#I've never been too much of a poetry person or so i thought bc a lot of the poetry i studied at uni just didn't do much for me

[astrxealis]

sorry to ffxivlovepost always anyway Man the way the devs & game did so good in making an mc that is Basically a blank-slate for the players, and there's so many opportunities to make your oc However you like but. the game itself adds so much story and character to that blank-slate guy. amazing

[stargazingcarol]

And this is why the carriage scene in bridgerton is my favorite:

The fact that Colin says: "you cannot marry that man. He will leave you. And he is too particular" 'too particular' bc he eats only vegetables? Colin is a certified hater. There's nothing wrong with a person who's vegetarian and here is Colin bridgerton being a fucking hater. Just to have no more words to say on why pen cannot marry that man and just resolve with "and he is just not right for you pen."

Colin's "friends" said it themselves. There's practically nothing bad to say about lord debling. Except that he doesn't eat meat. That's the only particular thing about him. That he loves animals so much he won't eat them.

When Pen suggest that Colin might like her is a silly idea, she might laugh. Gosh my girl is so hurt after her love being one sided for 2 seasons...

Her soft "What?" After Colin says what if I had feelings for you. She never expected that. She obviously doesn't believe it.

And then Colin blurts the most romantic poetry I've heard in bridgerton yet. Telling her how he prefers sleeping because that's the only way he might seek her out. Don't even get me started. I swooned.

But Penelope STILL doesn't believe him. "do not say things you don't mean" this girl. This girl thinks he is JOKING. only way a person would think that is if they have been hurt in the past before from said one sided love. She has even been mocked by her mother in season 2: "Colin is no more your friend than I am catherine the great". No one thinks Colin might like Penelope. So why should she think differently? That he might actually like her? Not possible in her eyes. Not after everything.

"but Colin we are friends" the face he makes when she says this. He apologizes for thinking she might feel the same as he does.

But when she says that she would love to be more than friends. He eyes her with lust and love all the same. And he kisses her open mouthed. This man was fucking STARVED.

And and I KNOW pen has wanted to run her fingers through his hair since forever and the pleasured face he makes, makes the scene all the more better. His smug face before he kisses her...

The boob grab!!!!!! 🐝🐝🐝

And the silent permission to touch her where no one has ever touched her...

When the carriage finally stops and Colin makes the joke of the carriage driver it's so HIM. And it's so THEM. cause they make jokes and puns and they're both funny people and writers. WHAT ever...

The final small peck, not open mouthed anymore or frantic, just pure love. QUE VIVA EL AMOR!!!!

Colin holds her dress with the fingers that weren't inside her if y'all even care btw.

When he silently gets out of the carriage and pen calls out to him, looking scared, as if she still thinks this is all a joke. A dream. That he does not like her at all.

Until he asks her to come inside. To marry him. And then she's on cloud 9. That's all she ever wanted. To marry him. To marry Colin bridgerton. Her best friend.

He does NOT want to court her. He already is in love with her. He grew up with her. He KNOWS her. No need for courting in Colin's mind. He wants to MARRY her. Gosh.

Anyways I made real notes on my journal to gather my thoughts on this.

I've seen the carriage scene a bunch of times, bye.

[kimbapisnotsushi]

i started writing this back in the last week of december going on into january bc we had so many karasuno bdays back then so uhhh TECHNICALLY this is a late bday post honoring like four people LMAO but let's go!!

during kageyama's first birthday at karasuno he gets a mysterious series of texts from an unknown number that goes like > happy birthday > not that this means you're forgiven > just thought it was the right thing to do > i know it's your first since. well. you know > you don't have to text back or anything!!!! > fuck fuck fuck just pretend this never happened BYE

he brings up it up two years later when he, kindaichi, and kunimi are better friends and kindaichi buries his red face in his hands and screams and kageyama isn't sure why

kunimi pats him on the back and tells him not to worry about it

ennoshita has a playlist that is solely just like white noise and creaking sounds and generally just things that would make you shit your pants alone in the dark and when asked why he just goes "it's the only way i can feel anything inside"

tsukki will NEVER admit it but he ASPIRES to be the level of deadpan that ennoshita is

tanaka: "so . . . why do you like him again?" ennoshita, watching a video he recorded of futakuchi walking straight into a lamppost bc he was playing pokemon go: "he makes me laugh"

no joke i think ennoshita is a dateko celebrity bc everyone knows about the guy that futakuchi kenji pines over bc futakuchi kenji is just known in a million ways and maybe like 90% of them are Not Good

a third-year has futakuchi by the collar and they're like "all right PUNK get ready to have your lights punched out you'll be seeing stars when i'm done with you" and futakuchi just sighs longingly and goes "ennoshita has eyes like stars . . ."

daichi is that type of upperclassman who knows very single friend of his juniors' but not in like a cool older sibling way he does it in a cringefail modern parent kind of way

kogane used to be soooooo scared of him before finding out what a huge dork he is

actually kogane isn't scared of asahi bc he's so used to aone and asahi cries over it

(sorry for plugging in dateko so much i just genuinely think they have such a fun relationship with karasuno i ADORE it)

onagawa: "man idk how you do it" narita: "do what?" onagawa: "being the only normal person on your team"

yeah no narita is carrying the weight of the world as the only person with the brain cell on karasuno

sometimes it's ennoshita but he's been dead inside since first year so

suga tells the first years he knows martial arts but all he really did was go to one (1) judo club demonstration during his second year of middle school and somehow managed to flip the captain over by sheer luck and never tried again

for takeda's birthday everyone teams up to get him a really nice fountain pen, a classical poetry book, and a quality bottle of sake. for ukai's birthday tsukki leads a powerpoint presentation on why smoking is bad for you and that he really should stop, backed up with everyone else standing behind him with their arms crossed and nodding along

okay that and they also get him a really cute apron (embroidered with crows!!) for him to wear around the store and a bag of good coffee

kiyoko has all - and i mean ALL - the snacks from the local convenience store on a tier list and when the vbc asked how the fuck she managed to do that she just went "my track team was a lot weirder than you guys"

actually the reason why daichi asked kiyoko to be the manager wasn't because kiyoko was the only one with no club activities going on it was because she gave asahi a hair tie when nobody else would and asahi had been trying to befriend her since (and also return said hair tie) but was too nervous to make the first move

asahi: "noooooo daaaaaaaiiiichiiiiiiiiii i caaaaaaaan't i'm so awkward and embarrassing!!!!" daichi, with all the confidence of a fifteen-year-old constantly winging it: "it's okay, i've got this!"

yeah he's just as surprised as you are that it worked out

especially considering he pitched it to her like a used car salesman

kiyoko carries a lot of hair ties with her when she starts just for asahi and when he leaves the team she doesn't stop bc she tells suga, daichi, and the second-years, "he'll come back, just wait and see"

THEY WERE FRIENDS TOO!!!! THEY WERE FRIENDS TOO!! THEY WERE FRIE -

[lover-praxis]

quick thoughts on "grand unified theory of female pain" bc i promised myself to read critically and actually write down the thoughts i have about content i consume.

felt really seen by it. i am not a melodramatic person, but i am, and i always have been. my ex-boyfriend disdained me for crying over books we read in ap english lit. i spent a lot of high school crying over everything, every piece of media, often to the point where i'd make myself nauseous. i still do this, occasionally. i hurt, and i feel the hurt, and maybe i even revel in it.

on the flipside, i'm about to hit my 20s, and my therapist keeps having to remind me that i've been through a lot, so i should show myself some grace. i've stopped languishing in my wounds but overshot, to the point where i now refuse to process any trauma in the hopes of just being able to move on.

re: art. i haven't written any poetry since november. i've done some writing, some fanfic, some journaling. i've done a lot of work with choreography--fitting, since words seem to have failed me. fitting, too, that my last poem that i wrote and performed felt like a desperate cry for attention, that same feeling of look at my ribs, can you not see that i am struggling, that i am in so much pain? in the end, i don't think my pain was seen.

also, maybe another flipside, i've been saying i'm in my rom-com era this summer, and i mean it. i'm tired of being the girl you fuck but not the girl you date. i'm tired of "falling in love" with every boy but never really loving them. i like the fall; i struggle with the love, despite how much i want it. there's the wounds, in the way. my blood that i can't love, so how could anybody? that mental, emotional, physical, spiritual block.

so. finding a balance between acknowledging my pain and loving through it? there's a strategy i think i've developed, of feeding my pain to some beast inside of me, a thing i think of as separate but inextricably linked to who i am. last week, the homily went that if we, hasty humans, try to pull out the weeds that the devil has sown in our hearts, we will pull out the good wheat too, so we should wait for god to weed us, in his own time. in the meantime, then, what do i do with the beast?

in the meantime, listening to fiona apple and taylor swift and halsey and women who have been mocked for writing and making music about their wounds. if i can do that without shame, maybe i can start to learn to be unashamed of my own state of woundedness. i think that shame is the worst enemy of all.

[keyotos]

I wanted to start writing fan fictions of my own and stuff (mainly of hsr and some other fandoms) but I'm not sure where to start. Your my number one favourite writer on tumblr and I was just wondering if you had some words of advice on where and how to go about it :) If you don't want to, thats fine as well. Love your works so much!

OMG I'VE NEVER BEEN SOMEONES #1 FAV WRITER BEFORE WTF. THANK U SM???

for headcanon inspo/writer inspo in general, i would read a lot of romcom books. or watch a lot of romcoms. for me, inspo comes from songs/books/movies/tiktoks i interact with. inspo comes and it goes; don't worry if you don't have constant inspo for new content. just as long as it feels authentic and it's twisted in your own way, then it will be good.

pinterest and spotify are gonna be ur favorite apps. i use pinterest for layouts, aesthetics, cute poetry for inspo, etc. spotify also helps for inspo, for example if you listen to a song u like then u could possibly base a scenario/headcanon/etc off of that. and personally, when i listen to music that fits into a certain scene i'm writing, it really helps me encapsulate the emotions i want in that scene, which in turn makes my writing better (at least to me it does).

if you are writing headcanons/drabbles/etc, make sure it has an aesthetically pleasing layout. what i find that headcanons/drabbles that look more organized usually have more interaction because it looks more aesthetically pleasing and well-rounded. you may want to add colors (using graphics, borders, etc) so that it would appeal more to a reader than no color and blank layout.

be creative with your writing!! literally write whatever you want and i guarantee you at least one person is gonna like it and read that work for life. and don't be discouraged if your works don't get lots of notes the first time. the tumblr algorithm is messed up.

some other short notes

no need to have a masterlist so early. u may want to have at least 2 or 3 works published before u create a masterlist. masterlists don't have to be on the same level as van gogh on levels of creativity, so don't stress tm abt that.

if ur ever thinking abt letting ppl request, don't be too hard on urself if u can't finish them. at the end of the day, you are writing for urself. prioritize yourself.

take care of urself while writing. writing takes time and effort and brainpower (ugh), so if ur ever feeling burnt out, don't be so hard on yourself bc writing is hella work

don't compare yourself to other writers. your writing is your writing and it's so special because of that. ur writing is already so amazing bc YOU ARE THE ONE WRITING IT

to summarize all my thoughts

inspo from media

listen to music + use pinterest

make sure u have cute layout (for profile AND works)

write whatever tf u want. if other ppl don't appreciate it then it's their loss

don't be so hard on urself. remind urself that ur writing is incredible!!

[hollywoodsargeant]

10 on the weird writer questions? Also this poem https://poems.poetrysociety.org.uk/poems/fucking-in-cornwall/ made me think of boyish. Sort of :)

10. Has a piece of writing ever "haunted" you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

oh this question is wild but Yes and Yes. i'll answer the last bit first bc it feels important for context but to me a piece of writing that haunts me is like. i can't get it out of my head for a Long Time after being exposed to it the first time. i keep going back to it. sometimes i wish it would leave me alone. but it doesn't go away really just. anything that sticks with me to an almost uncomfortable degree

to which i say yes! i have definitely been haunted by pieces of writing and i am definitely actively being haunted by pieces of writing. first thing that comes to my mind is. my favorite poet of all time ever Michael Beard who the first time i heard his work i did literally hear it i heard him read his poems out loud and immediately knew i was never going to be normal ever again. nothing has ever ingrained itself into my brain the way his poetry did and i've heard a lot of poets read their work atp... like. bc i heard them out loud i didn't have records of them (and his stuff was really hard to find online) so just. months. Months of me being haunted by things i could not re-read until finally! i did find some of his stuff and helpfully compiled it into a gdoc for myself so i can continue the horrors at my own free will. i will drop some of the lines that haunted me/still haunt me/et cetera et cetera

"and I thought fragmentation of the self / meant easy to handle" (I have always wanted to be opaque)

"I wonder when I pull / out the poem I wrote to you / and recite its final words / I, too, blur / if they come to fruition / if they chisel away / this marbled image of you / until nothing" (I have always wanted to be opaque)

probably my favorite poem of all time it's the one that stuck with me the most after i heard it. Dead. the opening line is something about someone else's lip balm lingering in the spaces between your words and that is also. the second he read that one out loud i actually felt my brain turn over like a rotisserie chicken in my head

"dry fingers / not conditioned for such intimacy, such / lavish intimacy" (The Roots You Swear By)

"Please don’t ask me to take the cactus home / because then I will grow to witness / what these two hands can nourish, / press thumbs into spines, prove / that cactus and heart / are not so different / when it comes to where we put our love." (The Roots You Swear By)

ughhHhH. put a cactus in your heart. bye.

"Shape my body into a bowl and drink from the shallow collarbone / I leave for you." (Phiale)

"Think of the gestures that make us endless. / Speak, if you can. / Tell me how prayer is too small for this." (Phiale)

every day of my life tell me how prayer is too small for this rings somewhere in my head and every day i kill myself about it

"I wonder why you left yourself / on something rotted. / Your name, still etched into the middle post you thought / would fall into the water." (Re-parting Our Shapes)

"My heart is the moment the post finally falls. / The midpoint between the water and your name." (Re-parting Our Shapes)

yeah does that last one look familiar. Yeah. i love that poem so much the whole thing makes me insane. something about etching your name into rotted wooden posts in lakes and never being able to look at places the same in an after. fuck off my heart is the moment the post finally falls i am killing myself

and my own writing yeah. i used this metaphor both in heartstroke and in a very personal essay i wrote for a uni class but "warm the way a dead thing is in a blizzard" still haunts me. honestly that whole personal piece haunts me not even just for that metaphor but the whole essay is insane and in that i used the metaphor to describe the love i have for my father which is Wild but i stand by it. warm the way a dead thing is in a blizzard (something about by comparison and survival instincts and other crazy indescribable things)

and ohmygod thank you i read the poem and i do see what you mean... that and the idea that you read a poem and thought of something i wrote is making me a bit insane so thank you i really appreciate it <3

weird questions for writers

[troglobite]

alskjdf

just had a thought

in general i've only ever been rewarded socially for being biting and "mean" in order to be funny.

and that got to be too much and i felt TOO mean so i started pulling back

(i still do it if the person's not there and it's clearly a hyperbolic joke, bc it's still funny--and i'm careful to be targeting specific shitty things and not awful bigoted stereotypes, etc. like i might be comically mean but i'm not an asshole)

however what this has meant in practice is oddly like.

most people don't accept or reward or honor my sincerity? which is really frustrating.

and additionally, ppl seem to think that. if they're not sure of the tone or intention of something i said, they default to "beck is being condescending and mean to me" and like. what the fuck? why?

and i'm wondering if it has to do w ppl demanding and rewarding meanness from me, and then they just assume That's How I Am and it's like--i'm not?

the humor is the key part there. not the meanness. i've pulled back on the meanness. i say more NICE things abt my friends than i do mean things abt other ppl. and yet they still think i'm being shitty. idk.

brought to you by me remembering one time in my poetry class in grad school i wrote a scathing parody/critique/satire of a billy collins poem that i vehemently disagreed with and thought was incredibly pretentious

and everyone loved it. and then the (v accomplished and intelligent and capable and funny and many other great words) poetry prof later told me abt a separate poem i had written--one that was way too long, didn't have a solid poetic identity yet, and was abt my struggle w my relationship w my dad, my queerness/gender, and my mexican-american family and identity--that i should. write a similar parody/satire/critique poem. about my original draft.

and idk if he meant it that way or not but like--he basically told me to be scathingly biting and mean to myself about my own difficulties. and to make light of the things i was worried abt. bc that's what my parody/satire poem did.

like i wrote that mean poem because i hate billy collins' poem and thought he was WRONG. and we were SUPPOSED to write a poem in response to another one. and like. idk use literary devices in some particular way? idr.

and so in asking me to write a similar poem abt my very real and sensitive struggle w my identity and lived experience and feeling alienated in multiple directions, i was told to make light of and belittle that shit.

i've never known what to make of it, but remembering that is what sent me down this random thought spiral just now.

i have capacity for meanness. bc i was trained to have it as a defense mechanism growing up. i never bullied, my meanness was always in response to someone being shitty/bullying me, and it was basically only ever said in private, not AT someone. but being mean in a funny way also garnered me friends. until it didn't, i guess?

i just didn't like it and i outgrew it as a necessary coping/survival skill. so i shifted. and i THOUGHT i had shifted quite a lot over the years.

and yet ppl still automatically assume i'm being selfish, condescending, complaining abt them inconveniencing me, criticizing them, etc. even with NEUTRAL statements or questions.

and like on some level i guess that's their own problem, bc in at least some cases w some ppl, that's their own insecurity and presumably it has nothing to do w me, specifically, it's just that i'm the one who happened to say a thing and they took it whatever way bc that's their insecurity or issue or whatever.

but it does fucking suck and make me feel fucking AWFUL and question whether i'm a terrible person.

it's insane-making to say a neutral thing or ask a neutral question and have someone respond like you just insulted them and asked them to kill themselves in front of you. like, maybe i DID mean that horrible thing they read into it? am i being awful and cruel and i'm just not aware of it??? idfk man. surely their reading of it isn't BASELESS? could it be?

idk man it's like being gaslit all the time.

i've already been gaslit so i have trouble believing my own understanding of myself, and this continuing to happen just makes me less and less certain.

[lilyyx0]

(previous nonnie) !! first off, i relate so much to how you feel. it sucks so much to feel this way, like you're not pretty, not worthy of being loved and stuff like that. :(( but know that u are loveable !! just because you think that way of yourself, doesn't mean others think the same. your brain is just bein' mean to you. and it sucks sm to feel this way but know that you're not alone !! and hey, ain't your username "abby's pretty girl?" :3 u r pretty !! <33 and you seem so sweet !!!

for artists you mentioned, i've only listened to montell fish once or twice but definitely will listen to some more! i love billie eilish as well !! and 'm so excited for her next album hehe. i also like salvia plath. lana, i do like her music but like – born to die era !! < 33 🍒 never heard of saint avengeline but will def check them out !! :3

and i'll listen to the songs you mentioned !! hehe. personally, been obsessed with rizha's last ep. mostly "bella swan" !! also looove "mutt" by sophie meiers. :3

i will watch the semmelsweis movie ! never heard of it, but why not !! and you said you're interested in medicine? do you wanna work in that field? if so, that's so cool !! and if not, it's cool too. i like movies that involve medical procedures tho i don't know shit about medicine stuff haha. and those movies are so good ?? white chicks is one of my favs as well. my favorite movie 4ever will always be la la land tho. :(( also i need to watch the new mean girls.

also um. don't judge me. but i never actually watched a twilight movie 😭 and no harry Potter either (cause i don't like the world, but thats my opinion.) never watched glimore girls either. i need to watch arcane tho !! also. you're the first person i met who watched feel good <33 mwaaah !!!

i need to read the twisted series but first, need to read the two books on my tbr !! (truthfully yours by caden armstrong is my next read.) and do you have a favorite poetry book? or favorite poem? :))

ALSO TULIPS. mwaaaah !!! tulips for u !! 🌷🌷🌷💌 they're my favs too !! love them sm. they're so prettyyyy. <33 and from your name, i would've thought lilies were also your favorites haha. ;3

anyway !! sorry this is so long but i want you to know that i'll gladly listen to you ramble about your day or books anytime !! (tho m anonymous, cause im actually shy to text haaa >_<) btw, can i be 🌷 anon? :3 mwaah !!!! bisouuuus

I'm gonna cry, u r so fckin sweet:(

did you read the rolling stones article in which billie gave an interview? I was like OH LORD.

aww, I listened to "mutt" by sophie meiers, cute music, but still sad, it is really from a dog's vision? :( (ANYWAY, ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE SAME MUSIC? I HOPE SO, BC IF NOT.. THEN I'M A LITTLE EMBARRASSED)

I don't really know what I want to do, I'm really interested in medicine, but I'm too lazy to study (and too scared to fail).

if you watch the movie Semmelweis, I'd be interested in your opinion about it, so if you're interested, by all means write how you liked it!! <33

I've heard of la la land, but I've never seen it, but maybe I'll watch it!

everyone has their own opinion, it's totally fine if you don't like Harry Potter that much, everyone has different tastes <3

Arcane is so FCKIN AMAZING, I've watched it like four times, can't wait for season 2 omg I'm sooo excited!!! about feel good.. I loved it, Mae and George were so cute:(

omg let me know if you manage to read the book you want! <3 here are my favorite poetry books, and there are two more books that I forgot to mention, but they are about fashion:

(I wanted to buy them in English, but unfortunately I didn't think of ordering online😭)

fashion books:

TULIPS ARE THE BEST!!!🌷💕

I also like lilies, but their scent is too strong for me:/

IT'S COMPLETELY OKAY, I LIKE WHEN PEOPLE ARE TALKING TO ME, REALLY!! :)

thank you so much again, I'm glad that someone will listen to me ramble about some fandom stuff ^^ (don't worry, I'm also a shy people!)

Of coursee, you're my 🌷 anon from now on!

XOXO

[kyaruun]

Since when did the graphics suck they're literally so cute

This one is literally embedded in my mind like I ASSOCIATE this with you

It isssss literally so cute but your other graphics are also so cute wthhhhhhh

Buuut I can do some tutorials on things you wanna know that I can do? I've been wanting to make a tutorial for a while now actually

. Me too like I don't have a schedule and while I write on a "rotation", I spend so muxh time and energy on irl things that I don't get much time to write. I literally haven't gotten through my reqs from last August. Rip my 800 event from. Before then??? Cannot even keep track it's been like a year

My follow count is only that high bcs I wrote for haikyuu (in 2020 its peak) then I joined the genshin bus kinda early (?) Which is still huge and I wrote misc fics for whatever else, and it was also my edit blog??? And now I'm here shitposting so I got followers from like lots of places

The way yours is in the 700s and a loooot older than mine pls I'm also in the 700s in nazukisser.... insanity

Well personally i love your leo so I think that it should happen because you deserve it. And writing a series.... yes.... smaus are so fun I have domicile on nazukisser for reference if you want it and my fav smau ever is club stupid by tumblr user kodzuvii highly recommend I just become a redhead kita's cousin and tendou's best friend number 1 miracle girl and down bad for suna rintarou whenever I read it.

WAAAA I can't wait to see your revamp !!! Thank you.. I always try to have some sort of match (character/color/style) all throughout!! If you need help/opinions/etc lmk!!!

Right like what happened . We were thriving. Then we boomed for a second and died. Like I see the nazuna x reader tag and ME AND KAZE ARE THE ONLY ONES like bruh? And my fics have been flopping tho it seems everyone's have been flopping too

Yeah the only thing keeping me tied down here is the server..... it's like my lifetime... come back we miss you

I MISS NURI TOO... bee has arknights now....I miss.... and runanananna....... ate swanee's writing.... SHE DOES THAT TO US TOO not that I hate it but she drops like a couple of lines in snippets and dips and I'm like *SCREEEECHES*

If you come back to my server we welcome you back we miss you :(((

I can only be grateful that some of us are left tho.... i7 is so dead and e7 LMFAO??? I was legit the only one it was so darned sad

THAT'S THE ONLY ONE I LIKE!! i love watching vids about journaling and that kind of thing and they make the cutest decorated polaroids so i wanted to do something like that but very cutesy themed,, spring made me think of picnics so gingham <3 i actually played around with a few similar concepts like polaroid + random stickers and i planned to make banners with that but uuuu there are so many characters,, can't keep my focus for too long. i think they came out cute but it's probably too late to use them </3

i always wonder about what do people use to edit their pics because i was born a ps girlie and i still don't know how to use ps properly oops making your themes look nice and cohesive,, those cute pinned etc etc people who edit icons and make them look super aesthetic

i think i never tried to promote my blog because followers don't feel like an integral part of the process for me. i just write what comes to mind and share it with the world: if people like it i'm absolutely delighted and if they don't well,, at the end of the day most of my writing has been fun for me ^^ like come on i've written things that are silly and self indulgent and they worked fine and i'm here like. wow

i have considered writing for more series but the thing is the media i like has a fandom of like. 2.5 people on the good days. so it really doesn't make too much sense to even try that <.< genshin fandom scares tf out of me so i'll keep my extra fluffy albedo thoughts to myself. the bazillion "childe being a dumbass in love" posts. kazuha writing poetry. oops. getting flashbacks to the time i almost made a hypmic blog but i stopped myself at the last second out of embarrassment

i'm torn on whether a) people just aren't interested in that kind of content anymore (no way) or b) people DO read our stuff, they simply don't interact. not even a like. the migration of people from other social media into tumblr,, like sorry but i've been here since 2016? and it gets worst for writers every day </3

i have an immense amount of cute enstars thoughts a day and i feel like if i can't share them i will combust (my best friend has to deal with me every day),, it's mostly cute romantic stuff with my favs and my ocs, for obv reasons so i'm like uuuu should i even tell this to someone it's just embarrassing. like only other enstarries could understand why i keep rotating this bunch of dorks around my brain and getting the biggest serotonin boost out of it ueeee

i kind of miss being in a server with other people. i've been feeling very lonely lately due to uni so i think that'd be good for my mental health but at the same time,, i don't want to go back to talking once in a blue moon you know? ooo to be an anxious mess every day of your life.... like i get nervous so easily and i know i'll make someone uncomfortable so i simply keep quiet or i don't know how to join conversations because my social skills are -1. i'm a bit of a mess TT

as a bonus for reading all of this, wips of some of the banners/wallpapers? i was working on the last time. rei was meant to be a light pink/purple ish kind of shade but i don't mind how these came out either ^^ i need to print the cgs as polaroids again

[v01d3nt1ty]

"Didn’t I tell you

you are a fish do not go to dry land

for I am the deep Sea." - rumi

(from GoOD Mornings with CurlyNikki)

oh to be able to express like rumi!

or to be spoken through. or however it works.

this hit me bc i am deeply connected to the ocean. my *happy memory* go-to is the beach, the pacific ocean, *my* ocean. my fav colors are like soft teals, pastel aquas and blues, deep ceruleans... so yeah i'm a mermaid but not like... not like the commercialized version that everyone buys into. if i die tragically, i want it to be by drowning in the ocean.

wtf was my point.

anyway it brought me into that sharp awareness of being. and it's like peace & love & comfort & oneness & vibing...

idk, it was cool.

i also really love language. i hate it, but i love it. i hate that we need it, it's so clunky and awkward. there are a lot of words to remember & what if you get them wrong or forget them or put them in the wrong order? (hello, autism. 👋) i used to write poetry, realized i sucked at it & stopped.* i've always been deeply interested in foreign language, even tho i do not have the attention span to learn any. (i took one yr of spanish and 3 of french tho, that was fun. tried to take german... studied japanese w a new-at-the-time friend who has been a friend for like 10yrs or more.) (also i really love.... intentionally arranged sound? & i love variety. so i basically just love the way languages *sound* even without the meaning. don't get me started on accents...)

but i think my deep appreciation for language comes from being neurodivergent, being frustrated at being misunderstood all the time. being afraid to speak up too much bc my thoughts didn't align w what i was taught. my instincts going exactly counter to what i was being told all the time. so i probably developed this desire to be able to correctly assemble and arrange the most appropriate words for any given situation. the right & wrong things... so much to remember.. omg so boring, so tedious.. no wonder i hate everything. er.

so. yeah. no one asked for my psychology, but there u go. i never told u to read this, it's ur own damn fault.

*so this is a memory story. there are two, actually.

the first is, when i was in 5th grade, so around 9 or 10, i wrote this poem & it got printed in The School Newspaper (!!! omg such a huge deal!) anyway, i had this memory, & vaguely remembered some of the words. then somewhere in my 20s, i found the paper & read it & i was *amazed.* it was phrased perfectly, didn't even rhyme, was pretty deep esp for a 10 yr old. i *cannot* remember exactly how it went, but if i posted it with no context, u wouldn't think it was by a little kid. idk how i *lost* how to do that. probably by trying to Be Good and follow rules.

the other is when i was in hs, probably a senior, probably 17. so i listened to a lot of 90's alternative & grunge, as one did back then. (98.5 KOME, i still remember 😂 i wonder if any of those tapes are still good?) so i wrote a poem that was probably heavily influenced by the lyrics of the time, smashing pumpkins, REM, nirvana... and i was v proud of it. idek why i thought showing it to my family was a good idea, but i did. & my grandma goes "this [part] doesn't make any sense. what does it mean?" and i'm like "it isn't supposed to mean anything..." anyway it crushed my lil soul and i had to Follow Rules again. bc how can i know how to People if i don't do things the way People do things?

oh wow that's sad. poor young me. *hugs lil me*

why do i share my trauma.

idfk. maybe so one day, even one person will feel less alone.

byeeeee

[ncityzen]

Lately I've been incapable of starting work until it's waaaaaaay too late so now it's past 2am and I've finished an article on catalan female poets and my brain is in full thinking mode

[omentranslates]

Notes of ways I notice Genshin characters using Japanese in the dub that I find interesting and stand out to me

Various characters that don't have enough notes for their own thread compilation edition

i did single character threads of this for Xiao, Albedo and Paimon

Kazuha

-he's just kinda quirky

-I don't watch many old movies but I know a LITTLE bit abt like stereotypical samurai stuff and also like older classical Japanese and I don't hear him use most of it, he's perfectly understandable in modern Japanese (disclaimer he does use SOME just not a lot, nothing you’d have to look up or anything)

-like he says かたじけない (katajikenai, it’s like samurai thank you basically) and uses ぬ for his verbs a lot but that’s Mostly it. And it comes out mostly in his longer quest dialogues, not as much in his like voice lines and stuff

-most of the places he sounds noticeably different in are when he's speaking like poetically

-Beidou was not kidding abt the flowers thing Kazuha speaks almost like a romantic poem is written like at least half the time (romantic as in like era of poetry)

-it’s kinda hard to tell what’s supposed to be fantasy poetry language and what’s supposed to be him being a samurai bc tbh it works for both in some cases, altho I’m confident in my interpretation

-uses せっしゃ (sessha) as his pronouns which is essentially the samurai pronoun

-when he says "gozaru" all the time he's literally just replacing the usual だ or である at the end of the sentence with archaism

-it's the non-formal ending of gozaimasu which is a word I'm sure a lot of people are familiar with, but like said how he uses it is not used in modern Japanese almost at all I can't think of any situations where you'd need it and I'd never come across it in other media before him. If the situation isn't formal enough for gozaimasu you just use the other two or nothing at all

-in other words he's just kinda quirky

-I've seen the Japanese community clown on him for this too, I personally find it endearing and the general consensus seems to be between that and like mildly funny

-has one of the most noticeable speaking styles in the game, like he Really stands out. The others you gotta listen for it or it’s only a few things every now and then that will encourage deeper analysis as a whole, but like every sentence Kazuha says is like “huh what’s the deal this guy”

Raiden Shogun

-she's always kinda stuck out for me bc she speaks really respectfully

-like it's not really strong full on keigo or anything just like regular polite Japanese you'd use with someone you don't know well

-but it stands out bc she's a god and the direct leader of her country and both of those positions do Not need to do that

-she never seems to grow closer with the traveler through her language (her character I think does but it doesn't reflect much in her speech)

-she even speaks politely like this to the Inazuman citizens during her like date story quest

-she speaks even less like a god than Venti does

-my personal interpretation of his is that she doesn't feel like an archon and still sees herself as serving her sister, so she still speaks as if she's in the presence of her superior

-supporting this, during her story quest 2 cutscene Makoto speaks very casual and feminine Japanese like they're very close but Ei continues to use longform polite Japanese even with her

-I don't think the English translation that I read really goes into the dynamic between the sisters in the same way that the Japanese really shines in like that. The Japanese version implies a whole world of respect and admiration for her sister that the English misses that she would consider herself not even to be in the same class

-It also suggests that Makoto may have been older than Ei, like they were twins obviously but the younger twin will still use honorifics/respectful words with the older twin depending on their relationship

-altho that's not nearly as important as Ei's relationship with Makoto and how she thought of her, I thought it bared mentioning bc it would be exceedingly uncommon for an older sibling to use that kind of language with their younger sibling no matter how much they respect them

-there is a certain trope regarding gods speaking formally bc they’re just that removed from humanity and I went more into detail in the notes about how different levels of Japanese can be used to express distance rather than respect, and I do want to emphasize that it doesn’t feel like Ei’s respect is directed towards the player or Inazuman citizens or anything like that

-it does make her sound spacey but it doesn’t feel to me personally like that’s the case because then I would expect her language to change with her story, but that’s just one interpretation so I’m just leaving all the information I can think of

-tbh a polite, long form desu and masu speaking girl who wants to be guided through the human world speaks to Quite A Few tropes in anime so

Shenhe

-I don't have Shenhe but while I was playing her story quest I msged a friend saying that she was "detached and vaguely polite" and that she sounded like she worked in the Tower of Fangs

-pretty sure I meant that as in her speech structure is similar to the like fantasy tone of the mountain adepti, but stripped of all the like boastful self-aggrandizing flair

-so it's close in tone to just standard Japanese while still being noticeably removed

-that's why I compared her to Xiao in his post they both talk like wizards

-she had the distinct impression that she's used to speaking to superiors, but she mostly speaks to people in her quest like she's talking down to them and they're noticeably lower than her socially

Xinyan

-considering how strong her accent is in the eng dub I was expecting Kansai dialect

-I was wrong though she speaks very standard

-I remember a little dialect coming out at the end of her sentences during Labyrinth Warriors but I went back over her voicelines and. No it's just not there

-she uses あたい (atai) as her pronouns, which is not very standard

-when I researched this it's apparently associated with girls' biker gangs it's like the punk rocker girl pronoun

-so yeah apparently Japanese has a punk girlboss pronoun, tho it's largely out of style now (unfortunately)

-she speaks with a rough masculine flair that I'm not used to hearing on female characters

-she doesn't completely talk like "one of the boys" tho. if it serves comparison, she's not even close to Paimon's level

-I think the non-committal direction matches her like scary but cute on the inside thing she's got going on

Yoimiya

-this is where all of Xinyan's accent went

-was literally bashed over the head with Kansaiben when I started her story quest

-she sounds like the teacher lady in white from twin star exorcists and I could listen to her talk all day

Ayato

-another character of supposedly super high status who speaks politely to the traveler for some reason

-definitely sounds spoiled even if he's polite abt it tho

-I find it amusing that he and his sister use the same pronouns

-when people started clowning on his English chest dialogue I was surprised bc his JP version just ranges from like politely curious to grudging approval, when I heard his like smug ass English dub it was. A departure

-I expected him to be more like smug and vaguely patronizing like Yae but tbh he's more like. Feigning innocence.

-does not speak formally to Thoma (Thoma does with him tho)

Zhongli

-speaks more modern Japanese than most of his wizard friends

-the content of his dialogue sounds really chill and relaxed but his manner of speaking is like surprisingly forceful

-talks the most like an actual god out of the 3 archons

-if he wasn't a god he would sound like kinda pushy, his dialogue is full of really commanding sentences (what constitutes a demand in Japanese is a little more broad than English, so he can sound really demanding in spoken Japanese without the English subtitles giving it away)

Gorou

-he just always takes me off guard bc he sounds just like Reki but talks nothing like him

-very meticulous pronunciation like idk he just annunciates every sound extremely clearly even tho he speaks really fast

-you can tell that for his personality archetype they just wrote "soldier"

Yae

-she shares some quirks of speech with the adepti and I think that's funny for lore reasons

-she talks like an old person, like not like an ancient being just like a grandma

Cloud Retainer

-speaks like an object

-I do not know how else to describe this

-but it's a very important object

Fun Genshin Japanese fact if you for some reason read this entire thing: the word they use for "adeptus" in Japanese is 仙人, which is listed in the dictionary as "immortal mountain wizard" and I laugh harder every time I think about this.

There are now extra notes abt the shogun puppet, Venti, Kaeya, Diluc and more Ayato in the reblogs

[brockachu]

👀 idk if you would rec said fics on main, cool if you don't want to. But would love to hear about them! - 💖

okie dokie, i got 2 asks about the 2 fics i'd read recently that had really impacted me & helped me with some emotional processing (sorry for the delay, took a bit for my brain to not be scared of the inbox) so please see below the cut

so, a warning first that i'm going to explain why these fic were so impactful to me, which will also delve into me loosely explaining some of my personal mental health issues & hang-ups. there shouldn't be anything trigger, but this is going to be Very personal. if that's uncomfortable, which i get, b/c y'all don't always need to know everything 'about the blogger', i'd suggest skimming for the links & bolded parts. also, these are spoiler free descriptions of the stories/themes.

the first fic is peace will come (no other homeland but you). it's r graves/d hamiltion, rated E, 60k. when it came out was about when my mental health started really going wild (i hit a small manic episode, which resulted in me over-consuming a lot of media + going on that insane run where i made a fancam almost every day for like 3 weeks + really got over-invested/involved in social media). it took me about 2 weeks to read, with my attention span + the fact i never really read one long fic (anything over 10k) at a time b/c i jump between fic or watching things or reading outside of fic (mainly news & op-eds, which i'm now cutting back on for my own mental health tbh; trying to get back into novels or poetry, if anyone has recs). this fic deals a lot with grief, mainly from the perspective of a character supporting someone in grief, but also touches on handling indirect/negligent trauma & learning how to care for yourself by way of allowing others to care for you. but more than the direct things intended in the plot & character development, i think what hit me with this one is the way affection is treated. affection in this story is communication, rather than a prize or a balm or a consequence. affection is treated as a fact and something that happens just because, not as a result or a drive for anything. in counterpoint to the themes of grief and trauma, i found the presence of affection really soothing but also just deeply emotionally impactful. i didn't have an affectionate upbringing & i was also bullied for significant amounts of my childhood (a lot of this ties to my ethnic & racial background, as a viet american child of refugees; i mention this only bc i know it comes up with fleeting regularity on my blog) -- in many ways, i relate a lot to ryan in this story. but also, grief has been something i've carried through a lot of my life (being the child of refugees means death has always been the unspoken companion to all my family's stories; deaths have been marking points in my life from birth and i mean that literally. i can't explain the context of my birth without several deaths being explained too). this story didn't have a lot of specifics that correlated with me, unlike my second rec, but this fic really gets to emotions in a way that i could feel and that i really needed to feel. in case it isn't obvious, i'm very much in the camp of 'sob it out' and 'let this express your feelings for you'. so, if you want a nice slow but steady story that will really let you drag out some feelings about grief & negligence & affection, i'd recommend this one a lot. also because, ultimately, the love in this story is so gentle and beautiful and touching. (side note: i read this Long before i realized i have a mini-crush on actual dougie + i have a strong sense of separation between fic-persona & hockey-persona, which i also have compartmentalized realizing that neither have Anything to do with the real ppl that players are. i get that doesn't make sense or work for everyone, but i thought it would be worth noting.)

and the second fic is: Who Are We to Blame Ourselves for Moving On (To Become Someone). it's currently incomplete, but marked for one more chapter until completion; j eichel/c mcdavid, rated E, 145k. i started reading this one maybe a couple days after i had finished peace will come, which was me inadvertently choosing to roundhouse kick myself with emotional processing in the face for like a solid month. while it's over twice as long as peace will come, it took me roughly the same amount of time, give a couple days, to finish to where it is now. at the time i started it was when my seasonal depression flipped into a downswing and i started pulling back on 'productivity' w/ making things (fancams, edits, sewing projects, baking, cooking, etc). i'm guessing that my reading pace was a little faster because i couldn't get my brain to do anything else anyway. but also, it just hooked me. from the outside, this fic is a pretty standard fake dating premise that just seems kinda goofy and fun. and i love a fake dating fic. and i lowkey really love the mceichel narrative (surprise surprise the bleed through from my actual unfortunate affection for jack ultimate bitch eichel). this one surprises you, or at least it surprised me. it deals explicitly with coming out and the ways it's a process and continuous and never the same, even experiencing as one person, much less sharing it with someone else; tho it's not about mceichel coming out to the public. it's about coming out on a very personal level, which is really, really relateable. but in handling the extremely nebulous landmine topic of coming out, it also weaves in & juggles themes of personal identity (how can an identity be freeing, how can it be heavy, how do you end up trapping yourself in it, how do you let yourself out) and having a sense of responsibility much larger than yourself. so the thing about me is that i grew up as 'the perfect eldest daughter/child' -- i am the most fluent in viet out of all my siblings, ergo my job has always been to be communicator & interpreter between my parents & my siblings. (it's not that my parents don't/can't speak english. it's that they aren't confident in it and code switch constantly. also even when they are speaking only english, they still have always asked me to carry the message on to my siblings in a palatable/understanding manner. and because i've done it my whole life, before i even realized that was what i was doing, i never learned to say no. so my parents have never learned to communicate effectively with my siblings & my siblings have never learned how to communicate effectively with my parents.) i make sure that everyone knows 'what's going on', whether that's event planning or news or anything else. i was also a 'gifted kid' -- made straight a's all through grade school, went to a prep high school with full scholarship, first kid on both maternal & paternal sides to go to a 4-year private university out of state also with scholarship, was wait-listed for duke & accepted to notre dame (i went to another school that some old followers will know but that i no longer mention for privacy, esp on my hockey blog b/c that relates to how i'm like 1-2 degrees separated from the nhl), won writing prizes, etc etc. if any of y'all have watched the disney film encanto, up until age 20 i was basically isabela -- i was Perfect, i was Everything my parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles/peers/teachers/advisors/bosses/Everyone wanted me to be. and i hated myself, deeply (sometimes, i still do, but i'm aware of it and working on it, always). and eventually i hit such extreme burnout that one of my academic advisors basically had to force me to go on medical leave. y'all may wonder why i went on this tangent about myself -- it's because this fic Hit Me in Every Single One of These Little Spots. the way it hits these beats are not the same as my experiences, but the similarity is there in a way that made it impossible for me not to take multiple sob breaks while reading, especially in the second chapter (ie the more eichs-centric chapter).

like, look, i would almost never recommend an unfinished fic. i also would never bookmark an unfinished fic. except, for this one i am recommending it and for this one i have already bookmarked it. and even if it Never gets completed, i imagine i'll re-read it at least a couple times a year, because it has let me feel a lot of things that i thought i had long come to terms with or at least could pack away, but that i apparently still need re-processing from time to time. also, finishing it got me to kickstart making some tough decisions in my life. idk if i'll ever go into detail about that on here, but that's an aside. so, if you are ready to kick your own repression's ass and okay with maybe ugly crying about it multiple times, i really recommend who are we to blame ourselves for moving on.

okay, so that's my long rambling done. if y'all ever wanna ask more about fic, i'm actually cool with getting asks or even dm's, but i'm not super active the community. who knows, tho, i could end up being semi-involved again. i actually did used to write somewhat regularly. my ao3 is here (all my bookmarks are private ftr, just b/c i prefer it that way).

[colour-outside-the-liness]

Hi Colour! How are you doing today? I don't know about doing meaningful things with my life, feel like I've just been surviving this entire time lol. However I am trying to figure it out and working on building the life I want to live and hopefully I will be able contribute to this world in some way.

I don't think I've ever played a game of trivial pursuit. Have never been to a pub either, not like the ones you have in the UK anyway. Just been to very dirty bars where me and my friends used to drink as much as we could afford, shared questionable food that could potentially make us sick the next day and there were no quizzes or games really haha. So your exp sounds way more fun! 😂

I'm glad you're giving the song a chance! Only Spotify knows how many times I've listened to it lol. I reckon Hozier's going to be my artist of the year for 2021. I love attributing works of art to Dani x Jamie, have a whole ass Pinterest board full with images of paintings, poetry, music and anything that I think relates to them really (yeah I know, I have a problem).

I love everything you've said about how Dani, Viola and the lady in the lake are alike, I hadn't really thought about their similarities before, but everything you've said makes perfect sense. I always saw Viola as a narcissist, even her drive to protect her child felt selfish in a way, don't know if you know what I mean. And when she fades away and becomes the lady she's just pure (almost animalistic) instinct while on auto pilot, bc she only remembers rage and abandonment, she takes anything on her path aggressively unless they're a child. So what she sees in Dani is not processed logically, right? It's pure instinct and emotions, so what she recognizes in her when Dani invites her in is the desperate need to protect this child, so she sees her as deserving. Perhaps she also saw in Dani and opportunity to escape this nightmare. Despite all her faults she didn't deserve what happened to her either.

And don't get me wrong, Jamie is so, so strong and solid and she is my favorite mostly bc I identify with her personality more than Dani's. But we know Jamie is all that even before we learn her story, and I feel like it is expected that she'll be the strong and brave one bc she's had to be that her entire life albeit unwillingly. But Dani? We expect her to break at any given point, I mean she is reaching her limit after all that's happened, with all the weight she's carrying. I remember thinking "Jesus, this girl needs help" when I first watched the show hahaha. But she fights every damn time, she doesn't run away and that's why I find her so fascinating. That's why I thought this song was so fitting. Even if Dani would never see herself that way. But it's Jamie's perspective (and fire signs tend to exaggerate everything 😂) so it feels fitting that she thinks so highly of her baby haha. Ugh I just wanted them to stay together forever. 🥺

Omg yes! I love how you refined this idea, good thing you're a writer and I'm not hahaha. And yeah I'm absolutely here for sapphics with weapons like holy shit imagine Jamie fighting with a sword? 🤤 I'm weak. Hahaha would be cool to see them in a pirate AU too! Maybe someone's already done it? Idk. But aaaah I want to see them in every possible universe hahaha. Makes me want to get back into drawing too. 😩

Aww you two sound like you have a lovely bond going on. Your niece sounds like the coolest! I started out drawing anime too when I was a kid and ended up doing graphic design for a living! How did learning how to draw anime style go for you today?

Hey I'm doing great thank you I hope you are too? I know that feeling because I feel like that's how I have made it to 27 just surviving (barely) and taking things one day at a time to get me to this point and hopefully I can contribute in some way even it its just a small way... so I totally get that feeling but I am sure you contribute so much without you even realising it!! Oh it's great but depending on how competitive the people you're playing with are it can get pretty heated... I've been in some heated games of it before because people just refuse to believe I know the answers to some of the questions and they think I've been cheating and have all but demanded I have another question asked instead of the one I got right... and pub quizzes can be fun again depending on the team you're in and how seriously you wanna take it I have been in teams where its been a serious thing and we have all desperately wanted to win and then I've been in teams and we've just had fun with it... all the pubs I go in are dirty bars too but sometimes they have pub quizzes... I have had many nights where I have drank what I can afford... one night me on my roommate went over board though and we ended up spending ALL our money even our taxi fair and we had to walk home in the dark along country roads with hardly any lights to guide us... because of how drunk we were it too us around 3-4 hours and I fell over a road sign and ended up in a ditch... I've had a lot of fun experiences but some really stupid ones as well... your experiences sound great though!! I would love that!! I listened to the song and I loved it so much!! I don't even wanna know what my most listened to artist will be this year... my money is on it being the Six musical soundtrack... probably All You Wanna Do from that musical I'll be surprised if it's anything else. I would love for it to be someone like Hozier, but ever since I have done my Spotify wrapped thing it's always been a musical of some kind that's been my number 1 song / artist haha I love doing the same thing. If I can make something fit Dani x Jamie I will like it doesn't even matter what it is haha... I don't think you have a problem I think that sounds so cool!! I have nothing like that. I just have a head full of random ideas screaming to be let out I agree Viola is definitely selfish and narcissistic and everything she did came from a place of anger and rage over the things that happened to her she fell in love and got married and had a child and saw her sister try and take that from her while she was ill and in the end her sister killed her. Like yeah, I do feel sorry for Perdita with the way she was treated but I do think everything Viola did was out of frustration over what was happening to her. Like you said she acts on auto pilot and only knows rage until it comes to children- because all she knows is she is looking for a child so when she saw Dani so selfless sacrifice herself for a child she saw a little bit of herself in Dani she knows Dani is a good person and she can relate to that protective streak and I think she did see Dani as deserving I definitely agree with everything you've said here. Viola might have had faults and flaws and who doesn't? But I definitely think she had it rough and did deserve better than she was given. I agree, you can tell looking at Jamie that she is strong and brave while Dani comes off as the exact opposite. But I think you see fully how brave they both are when Dani sacrifices herself for Flora and when Jamie offers to keep Dani company and loves her despite knowing she won't be able to love her forever. I love Jamie but definitely relate to Dani's personality more, there are a lot of things Dani does that I see myself in her because I have done those types of things myself and the whole beast in the jungle speech resonates with me so much and every time I watch the last episode and hear that speech I am a crying mess from that point on. It's funny that you thought that about Dani when you first watched it, because me and my sisters got my mum to

watch it and she said the same thing about Dani "she needs help" but then once told me she liked Dani because she reminded her of me that was an interesting conversation to be a part of "Dani needs help... but I like her she's like you." I was like "Thanks?" I agree this song is definitely more how Jamie would see Dani, I think Dani just has a very blasé view of herself, like I don't think she's self conscious or self deprecating in anyway but I think she sort of walks around like "this is me and this is just how I am" where as Jamie just sees Dani for how brave and strong and amazing she is- maybe even if as a fire sign she exaggerates a little bit haha Jamie just thinks Dani is the most amazing person in the world and I just know that Dani saw her the same way!! I really wanted them to be together forever... I am never going to emotionally recover from Bly Manor. Your idea was incredible and I think it would be a great story to read honestly that's the type of thing I live for!! OMG Jamie with a sword is just 🤤 🥵 I am all for sapphics and weapons of any kind!! There's this pirate AU which is absolutely amazing!! I don't know if you've read it or not but iamalekza writes some really great fics!! https://archiveofourown.org/works/28631598/chapters/70179306 ^^ Pirate AU I really wish I could draw I would love to be able to draw scenes from fics I have read and even ones I have written but I just don't have the skill set for that!! I would love to see other fan arts though I think drawing is such an incredible talent to have and I am in awe of anyone that can do it!! Me and my niece have a great bond, she's like a little mini me (despite almost being as tall as me). She is honestly such a cool kid I have a hell of a lot of fun with her- I'm looking after her again tomorrow and I have no idea what we're gonna do but we will figure something out... she's such a good drawer she's only just started doing it at the beginning of the year and she's really progressed with it... I however have not so I am definitely gonna need more practice. That's so cool that you started out doing anime drawing and then ended up going into a career in graphic design. Again that's a talent that I am just in awe of because it's just something I have never been able to do!!

[billdenbrough]

i'm going through some rough stuff atm and i've been feeling pretty bad for a while, but the shark puppy au made me smile for the first time in days. thank you so much, to you and to all of the people contributing to it. you made someone's day a lot more bearable

first off, i’m so sorry you’ve been having a hard time recently! i feel that a lil deeply, rip, but i’m sending you all the vibes and care i can, and i really hope things shift for you, because that’s an awful way to feel, but i am so, so happy that anything we did or said today/last night made anything a little easier for you 💕it’s nearly 3am and i have work again in the morning (fucking rip) but i thought i’d put some more shark puppy stuff out there in the hopes it might make tomorrow a little easier for you too!

so this morning before work i answered an ask abt shark puppy and was talking in the tags abt patstanlon (essentially just. thinking abt how to execute it)

and so tonight once i was finally home from work i was talking to a few of the others abt it and @benverlesbians brought up patty’s BA and also how in the book she says bill isn’t a real writer bc he’s a novelist (tangent but i just went back to read the start of that chapter and a, ouch, but b, “Stanley drove a Mercedes diesel—teasing him, she called it Sedanley” this will never not make my heart yell) and that led jem to the conclusion that patty thinks real writing is either non-fiction or non-prose, i.e., journalist or poet

we settled on journalist for her career, but she has a background in poetry from college

@benverlesbians: “patty and mike are like “we both got BAs in english and we are both perfect human beings” and they are correct”

anyway this interview takes place after the Scathing Review from the Conservative Magazine (after richie’s bi ass jeans)

jem posited that bev’s rly protective of the band (and herself, ofc herself, and why wouldn’t she be) and tends to like, vet the interviewers pretty hard, bc she has to be sure she can trust them with their words and their image

and then we were thinking abt how that’s interesting bc like. patty probably isn’t super overt on social media (certainly not just showing her whole self on there, miss ‘wouldn’t admit to thinking richard dawson’s watch chain was sexy if wild horses tried to drag it out of her’), which is like. frustrating for bev’s purposes, but also… kinda relatable? and bev can respect it, on an intellectual and empathetic level, even if it’s annoying that it runs counter to her purposes (but there’s also—-part of bev thinks maybe, someone who can be private with themselves can have some integrity with others, but then there’s another part of her, those self-preservation instincts honed from years of not being able to trust… men specifically, but it’s made all trust harder now, and that part is wary, hard-pressed to give people the benefit of the doubt, not when it comes to her and her friends)

jemma: “bev is like “why don’t you have instagram” and patty’s like “this isnt you interviewing me, this is me interviewing you. please pass the maple syrup, my pancakes are dry as fuck"”

(it starts at a kitschy diner (jem’s idea) bc like, well, there are seven of them. like. that’s too many. but they’re probs not all at the diner, maybe just bev, stan, mike & eddie (deliberate choices from bev, given how she couldn’t find too much on patty—-some good testimonials that convinced her to give the interview anyway, even if patty works for a buzzfeet analogue, bev has less personal hang-ups with them than stan does, even though she loyally disavows them with him—-and she trusts stan and mike to hold their own, and while eddie can be a wild card (it’s not wild, she thinks, not really, because it doesn’t come out of nowhere. it’s just that he’s brave and good and loyal and principled, like he’d have her back, have all of their backs, and wouldn’t let anything slide he wasn’t okay with), she’d rather have that inability to back down at her side when their words and image are on the line than some of the impulsive nonsense richie and bill pull, and ben has a tendency to be too earnest, too quick, and if bev wants to be careful, be sure, before exposing ben’s heart and sentiment and big fucking eyes to that, well, sue her) but then patty is interviewing them, and she’s thoughtful, questioning without being probing, framing things in interesting ways that keeps them talking, keeps them interested, and bev’s already halfway to inviting patty back to the clubhouse (their studio) where the others are when stan, like, references some swedish poet whose translated works he was reading when he and mike wrote one of their songs, and patty, like, gets it? and works tomas tranströmer into her next question, and stan’s expression is just. and he glances at mike, and mike grins (bev doesn’t even know why stan bothered. mike’s clearly thought well of patty the entire time), and stan cocks an eyebrow at bev, and she almost can’t believe it, bc since when does stan ever want to allow interviewers more access? but it’s stan, and he never asks, and so of course she turns to patty, and asks: “got a couple more hours?”)

@chaoticbisexualalien: “pre-meeting stan journalist!pat on twitter giving their album a four-star review but singling him out as exceptional and then a bitter fan is like "oh did he eat you out for that review” and she’s like “I would have given them five stars for that"”

@striffyisme: “omg,,,, the fans start calling her Petty Patty for her excellent clap backs”

britt: “stan sees it and doesn’t get involved directly because he doesn’t want to fan the flames but he admires her from afar and then later on he finds out that she’s interviewing the band and he’s like ”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!“ inside”

alex: “stan, instantly in love and adoring from afar, patty falling for him as she gets to know him, everyone outside the band thinking it was the other way around lmao”

which, yeah, bc when the others catch on, they realise… patty working for a b/zzfeet analogue isn’t a speed bump for patstanlon to overcome, but rather just something stan was holding onto as like, a reminder to himself that ‘objectively she’s not perfect, and the only perfect person in this world is probably mike hanlon, be quiet rich’ but he’s wrong! she’s perfect too! he knows two perfect people! and by the time she’s gotten a job offer for her frankly thoroughly fucking excellent article abt shark puppy and has quit her job at the buzzfeet analogue, he’s pretty much forgotten about that hang-up until she’s like, “god i’m glad i have an actual adult workplace now” and mike laughs and stan feels his heart grow three sizes in his chest

@dykeeddie: “Okay I’m just gonna say it if she’s working at a b*zzfeed analogue for any period of timeShark Puppy Styles Me For A Week… there are 7 of them it’s the only way”

anyway the article is fucking bomb, everyone stan patty blum, and it blows the conservative scathing review sky high into a void of irrelevance

(at the clubhouse, patty makes such an expression at one of bill’s lyrics that richie actually chokes on his coke from laughter)

[shapeofbones]

02/04/22

so i've decided to start a stress free blog for thoughts, rants, projects, updates etc.

i've tried to start a blog for a long time but i've never succeeded bc i either made it so formal to the point where it was like writing personal essays, or i just ghosted it.

anyways i'm a high school junior and i'm pretty busy so this might become a monthly thing. i'm quite disorganized so i have thoughts scribbled all over the place (notion, notebooks, docs, discord) and i'm just adding to that collection.

but this is a stress-free environment so...!!

updates for 2022 so far

january 9-15: attended youngarts week! so phenomenal and i've talked a lot about this elsewhere so i'm not gonna ramble again. but definitely such a valuable community and place to grow. thank you nicole for giving me so much inspiration. <3 yay poetry i guess?!?! always thinking about wildness and radical suggestions too. ngl i felt intimidated by everyone's energy as an introvert but i met ppl who would randomly text me about kdramas and game pigeon so I LOVE UUU! started a skincare routine too, discreetly.

mid jan: caught up with school work mostly, spent lots of time studying for compsci... i need an A in that class... but i oddly have lots of free time to watch kdramas and play games? i've developed an unusual (but not suprising) addiction to candy crush and this water filtering game.

late jan: went to the cardiologist and luckily my heart isn't too bad but my blood cholesterol levels are abnormally high. gonna cry. watched true beauty like 3 more times and i fall in love with eunwoo every single time, smiling like a crazed gal. astro's songs are actually really good and i've been obsessed with eVeRy song for this entire month.

early feb: still not very busy, and that gives me chills because i feel like i should be dying at this point. told mr v that ap lang was the easiest (least time consuming) english class so far and he was shocked. finished our beloeved summer and started all of us are dead. i thought i'd hate zombie movies (first one and counting!) but i actually really like this one. i am trying to eat less sugar and it worked until today (feb 4) when i ate 6 girl scout cookies. birthday coming soon! means i'm 18 and will get a paypal account.

writing news so far: lynne thompson called! i'm working on publishing my chapbook manuscript and miye's doing the cover art yay!!! also wrote 2 poems, one's a ghazal. talking about brokenness and form with nicole. ran lumiere's contest and received 1500+ pieces. also wrote half of a flash fiction piece. did an interview about writing and youngarts with elyse! i also started thinking about future collection ideas (apologies, motion, abundance), and i'm really fascinated by the intersection between antithetical things (abundance vs. absence, endings vs. beginnings, loss vs. reunion, motion vs. static, wholness vs. brokenness) and how they complement each other more than repel.

random thoughts: gotta start studying for aps sometime soon // still thinking about crying in h mart, and crying // i should watch train to busan soon // my parents and sis are so obnoxiously noisy i can't bear it anymore... gives me chest pain // starting to like mitski more! // why am i so bad at reading? // eunwoo is so sexy and his voice/face is calming. calm polar bear vibes. // i feel like i'm gender fluid... really contemplating this these days.

looking forward:

i want to write a collection of poems as a personal project. not for publication though.

i want to go exploring around LA, especially korean-american imprints in this city like koreatown. wanna go out with some friends, old and new. like my band friends and maybe multi friends. learn and experience culture!

i wanna live a youtuber lifestyle (think minimalism, vegetarian, fashion revamping, makeup) but i think i'll save this till end of college apps next year.

gotta really make an ap study plan. there's 3 months left.

i'm getting $3,000 from youngarts and i want to use that well. really wanna travel but i don't think that's possible with covid. i'd buy lots of fashion items but also it seems like a waste.