#I've been taking so many shit for so long
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okay so once again, spoilers for arcane s1 and act 1 & 2 of s2
also nsfw theories ahead so you know, you’ve been warned (edit: okay so it’s not really nsfw cause i decided to save most of my theories for my fic)
also this is about to be a long fuckin post cause why tf not [there are many tangents]
so we’re breaking this down into characters / plots this time and i'm doing it fast so we'll see how coherent this ends up
lets start with mel / ambessa / black rose:
okay so we know that the black rose is either in search of or is the powerful child of ambessa, right? so if you combine the knowledge we have so far from s2 and the blood, sweat and tears music video (mv) we know the following:
ambessa fell in love once and had a child (one that the black rose is seemingly afraid of)
ambessa was pregnant on a battle field and was saved by a wolf (kindred? idk lol) however when she's transported[?] it appears to be similar to the pit that mel is transported to. in act 1 we watch a confrontation where amara says "i've come here to settle a debt [...] what you've stolen is more precious than any gold" this is also where we learn that the black rose (possibly) killed mel's brother
episode 6 ambessa lectures cait about her three core principles, she ends this lecture with an importance on sacrifice. in the mv we see young ambessa carrying a golden lamb (a symbol? a "sacrificial lamb"). i also believe the fact that it's gold to be of importance. the lamb is also seen in stone, being held by a child, to which ambessa sheds a tear (possibly because that's the deal she made)
mel's "armor" is gold, and seems to be an instinctual response that is now becoming something she can control? in the council room, you can see a circle of pristine condition within the destruction with jayce's seat at the center (mel saved him with her armor).
now my theory for mel's armor is that it's what the black rose is afraid of, what they gave to ambessa in return for a sacrifice [possibly mel herself]. i think she was born with it, cause you can see in a frame of the mv (towards the end) a gold flash moves across the skin of a fetus and when the fetus's eyes open they're gold
we also see the golden lamb be broken up and put into a "seed"? which could also be a reference to a god's seed for a child to be born and how it is presented to ambessa for her to take. when she graps it, a design appears to move along her skin and she dons the gold armor. after she makes the deal, she's transported back to the battle field with i think a now magical child [aka mel]
we also know that family is everything to ambessa, so she'd probably never give up a child, hence the debt unsettled
another theory is that the other character in gold armor in the mv is mel's father, a god[?] possibly. which would make mel a demi-god and explain her armor / abilities. this would also possibly explain why ambessa survived the warwick attack, after carrying a demi-god child she absorbed some of her abilites?
mel's brother is not the child they were looking for, but mel might be
mel seemingly knows how to escape the pit they put her in, almost instinctively
i do think this plot line won’t be fully completed and will continue in the next show
my theories on victor / ekko / jayce / heimerdinger:
victor isn't truly dead, he's gonna come back as more of a machine, possibly due to singed intervention. some sort of “rapture” shit happens with the followers when he’s brought back
jayce is fuckin out of his mind, who knows what that idealistic fuck up is up to [look, i'm sorry but your boy is essentially jinx but he got bailed out at every opportunity for a lesson and never learned] like i know he’s probably being controlled but seriously bro has fucked up many a times
ekko, my guy, please for the love of fucking everything i hold dear, turn back time and save isha and vander [i doubt vander is gonna get saved by him but i have other theories for him]
time slows at the end of ep6 after the explosion and i think ekko used his power [z-drive?] to turn back time. tbh i don't know much about how his power works so i'm just hoping the boy savior lives up to his name.
the gear[? spigot? idk] that victor carries around is probably the same one from s1 when jayce and victor first figure out how to turn on the arcane and pass the metal piece through the center of the arcane [it gets shinier].
that same gear, victor has kept as a souvenir of his partnership [gayyyyyy] with jayce. and when it rolls at the beginning of ep6 and the end, it acts differently (possibly because different timelines [please ekko])
i think ep7 will be about ekko and heimerdinger, starting off where we left, but with ekko trying to save his old family (including isha please)
heimerdinger, idk man he's gonna help ekko tho cause their dynamic is so good
oh yeah and mr.fuckup is going back to the council
theories on jinx / isha / sevika / vander:
jinx is gonna be seriously depressed guys, it's not gonna be good. i'm hoping ekko will save isha but if not, her will to live is 100% gone now, just after getting it back too. it's gonna be rough to watch. GIVE HER GLASSES BACK
if isha is dead [PLEASE DON'T BE] i think she'll be laid to rest in jinx's hideout. with jinx "burning it all down".
jinx will "use her explosive potential for good" and join the fight. she'll pull an isha and sacrifice herself to save her family [guys i really hope this doesn't happen, i love jinx so much and DO NOT want to see this]
vi and jinx fight together once again, but this time it’s jinx who protects vi [it’d be heartbreaking but what is arcane without it]
sevika, god i just hope we get her being sexy. with that poster? damn. also knowing her, her mechanical arm will probably once again get fucked.
vander is gonna reconstitute after the explosion (meaning isha's sacrifice was in vain which is... painful). he's gonna be captured by singed and ambessa and be turned full warwick, going full destructive mode.
AND FINALLY THE GIRLS WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR: CAIT AND VI
these lesbians are gonna fuck, just try to tell me they won't. i dare you. i think it'll happen ep8, and it better be good cause they've been practically edging us with caitvi.
okay so i have my own headcannons on how it should go but i'll save those for my fic. for now here's some plot points i hope they touch on:
it starts with the argument where vi says the fuckin ridiculous "she oinked poison in your ear and you just ate it" [side note: who tf wrote that 😂 ]
they start making out aggressively before caitlyn feels the scar on vi's abdomen and steps back (it gets really emotional and she apologizes [AS SHE SHOULD])
cait starts to get all gentle and loving, and while they're switches, cait tops first [fight me, deep down we all know it].
it's vi's first time [we know she's cocky but be for real, she's gonna immediately fold when caitlyn gets close. i mean have y'all seen how uncertain she is when cait gets close enough to kiss her? she never is the one who closes the distance]
caitlyn removes vi's wraps and we get a story behind it? either way please let her take them off all slow and gentle
cait calls vi "violet"
vi: "you even taste like a cupcake" cait: "shut up" [but british]
they both say "i love you"
also (this is in my fic so honorable mention but) i think cait should say to vi “i’m here. i’m right here” cause it’s a line from s1 and i think it’d be really sweet and comforting to vi
bonus: there's kinky shit involved (we all saw them in ep6, cause i mean COME ON), vi gives off "sit on my face" energy, caitlyn 100% should give vi the space to let go / take charge
okay so those are my theories / tangents. if you made it this far, thank you for indulging in my delusions. this shit has been fun and i don't want it to end. i'll be feral over this for awhile and might make some memes (and i'm working on my first ever fanfic [with help so it hopefully won't be absolute shit 😂 ] so i'll let y'all know when that gets posted.
good luck y'all, i got my tissues ready [ya know, just in case]. LESS THAN ONE HOUR LEFT
#arcane#arcane season 2 spoilers#arcane season 2#vi arcane#caitlyn kiramman#caitvi#ambessa medarda#mel medarda#ekko arcane#heimerdinger#victor arcane#vander arcane#jinx arcane#sevika arcane#isha arcane#jayce arcane
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I know this isn't the place to cry and whine but I just need to let out of my chest that I've been trapped for a while in a neverending chain of disappointments, and I feel like I can't take it anymore. But that's a lie, because everytime I think that, I can take another one.
#Like#it's cringy how melodramatic this all sounds#I'm aware of that#It's just#I've been taking so many shit for so long#and it took EVERYTHING in me to finally say#no#I'm sorry#but I can't do this anymore#and expected some push up#some fight#that they expressed their reasons of why they were making me go through this much stress#and they went like “oh okay no problem”#and it looks like good news#but they're not#because that means that it wasn't even necessary to put me through so much shit from the very beginning#and they did it anyway to take advantage of me until I couldn't take it anymore and#the worst of all#I had to say “thanks”#It was a 25 seconds phonecall and I had all this pent up energy#it took so much to gather the strength to say “no more” and for what#A 25 second phone call#and that's it.#Never knew I could feel so worthless in less than a minute#How fucking disappointing
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you're all tarted up and you don't look the same but it just gets worse [1] [2] [3] [4]
#this has been living in my brain for a while now#and i've listened to the clips so much and watched so many videos that now it all kinda sounds the same#but he gradually developed a growl on 'you're all' and it makes me giggle#he even got himself in the last one because it's so unhinged. you can hear his lil giggle afterwards 😭#notice how ALL the footage is late sias era when he really started leaning into hyping up the crowd and showboating a bit more.#there was a whole lotta pointing 🫵 and jumping off shit#i think it was also opening for the 'black keys' that the band had to work to 'win' the crowd over and he said he liked the challenge.#ANYWAYS. 'still take you home' will forever remain a banger#AND the transition from 'this house is a circus' into 'still take you home' will forever be a favourite#alex turner#arctic monkeys#sias era#arctic monkeys edit#still take you home#mine#daddy-long-legssss
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The entire post is getting kinda long, so I am gonna start using breakline
Whenever I come across anything Ikemoto produced, I get a very strong feeling that this guy desperately wants to do a spin-off series for JJBA, not Naruto: weird poses, bizarre clothing choices, etc etc. Only this man manages to forget that he is still doing a sequel to Naruto, so all of his artisric choices end up clashing with an already established setting and style + let's be honest this man has none of Araki's creativity and skill, so we end up with pure dogshit that belongs neither to Naruto nor to JJBA.
Sarada kind of encapsulates everything wrong with Ikemoto's design choices. I've actually come across a video discussing Boruto's clothing and there was a heated debate regarding whether clothing in Naruto was period accurate (Boruto fans were declaring that there is nothing weird about modern day clothing in Boruto, after all, Naruto wasn't keeping up with it in the first place). But the actual problem is the fact that Boruto's designs have none of the defining feature of Naruto's clothing - its utilitarianism. People in Naruto wear comfortable shit, they wear things in which they can fight, ranged fighters and assassins can show more skin, while close quarter fighters wear vests and other protective measures. Meanwhile Boruto characters have so much useless shit on their persons one might think they are on their way to a nightclub where a fashion party is taking place. Seriously, it's fucking ridiculous, me and my friends compared Kishimoto's and Ikemoto's designs for, I believe, Sakura and Sarada, and I shit you not Ikemoto's have like twice the items of clothing compared to Kishi's.
And I also believe that bizarrely revealing attires for young girls might also be something Ikemoto picks up from JJBA, however in Araki's case a 15 year old looks like a 25 year old + the characters act and look older than they are due to a pretty rigorous timeline that JJBA has and tries to stay true. Ikemoto, on the other hand, has this weird Bratz (is that the name of those dolls? no idea) like style that makes all of his characters look like 8 year olds which only exacerbates the issue.
I'm not gonna comment on any of Boruto's... "twists". Seriously, I like to keep myself away from that thing, I have no idea how Boruto fans manage to unironically say "BROOOO NOOOO IT'S GETTING SO GOOD, JUST GET THROUGH LIKE 80 CHAPTERS, THE FINAL TWIST IN PART ONE IS HYPE🥶🥶🥶🥶" and you look up and it's the single worst piece of shit you've ever had the misfortune to read.
Thanks for your compliments. Deidara has a lot of tiny things scattered around the canon material + for a secondary antagonist he got pretty lucky with the time the plot dedicates to him (which is, well, unsurprising, considering he's been the most popular Akatsuki member that doesn't have "Uchiha" in his name since his appearance at the beginning of Shippuden, so Kishi and Jump have to take that sweet sweet merch money), so a lot of pretty interesting thing about his past can be unearthed. And I don't think that's really strange that Hidan and Deidara, being children of the Third Shinobi World War, have similarities in their past. For all of its flashiness, Naruto does try (at least at certain points) to be an anti-war story, and unsurprisingly that many characters born during these large scale conflicts would share certain experiences regarding the horrors and losses they have suffered when they were young and most vulnarable.
I've seen a comment from @hidansbabygirl regarding timeline stuff, so decided to share some things that I have regarding Hidan and what is known of him on the timeline of the events in Naruto
However, the start of Hidan's life corresponds with some pretty major things going on in the shinobi world, so we actually need to start elsewhere to establish some important facts regarding that, so, with that said, let's take a look at...
Kannabi bridge mission.
Surprising, I know. But Kannabi is very important for establishing when did the Third Shinobi World War ended and, presumably, started. It'll be obvious why this is important a bit later, so let's get into it.
It's actually pretty easy to ascertain the end of the TSWW thanks to the greatest guy to ever greatest guy in history - Obito. Obito is 30 during the events of Shippuden (I believe that the wiki and, likely, the databooks say that he's 31, however having kids in Kakashi's generation have different ages is way too annoying to keep track of + Obito by himself has a lot of events that involve literal fucking timetraveling, so for the sake of my sanity, everyone in Kakashi's generation is 30 during Shippuden). Obito is 13 during the events of Kannabi bridge (as stated in his profile in second databook, I believe?), so we know that between his untimely demise and miraculous ressurection 17 years have passed.
and here's the finale of Kakashi Gaiden. the wording of this page pretty heavily implies that following the destruction of Kannabi bridge, the TSWW ended (considering how many events unrelated to it are going to follow in literally the next year alone, it better fucking did, otherwise Kishimoto is incredibly bad with numbers). So, we know for certain that the end of that particular war was 17 years before the events of Shippuden.
Now let's remember another major date that pops up here and there during Kakashi Gaiden - the failure and subsequent suicide of Kakashi's father, Hatake Sakumo, which took place 5 years before Kannabi. To recap - some sort of important mission, goal vs comrades, Sakumo chooses comrades, mission ends in a failure, everyone hates Sakumo, including the very same comrades, Sakumo kills himself. Now here's the thing - even if Sakumo was compared to Sannins, we know pretty much jackshit about when and where he did missions. We've obviously heard about this mission, and there is also a very interesting fact about him killing parents of another Akatsuki-member-to-be - Sasori. However, Sasori was a very young child when it happened (off Chiyo's memories), and Sasori himself fought and ditched Suna during TSWW, so Sakumo fighting against Suna would have taken place in the previous World War, which is the Second.
Anyway, what I am trying to say is - we know nothing of Sakumo's involvement in the TSWW, meaning that he became a legendary and respected figure before it. And we certainly know that there was some mission, he put his comrades' lives over the mission, mission failed, and everyone hated him. And doesn't that seem like a bit of a... overreaction? Considering that during the plot we see quite a few missions being failed and yet it doesn't lead to shinobi in charge of them to becoming pariahs and ending their lives. Unless, of course... the failure of that particular mission had some absolutely catastrophic consequences.
Here's the part that was purely theorized, however I love this theory a lot and I believe that it actually does an amazing job at explaining the events, so here it goes - Hatake Sakumo's mission that took place 5 years before the events of Kannabi bridge mission was the spark that set off the Third Shinobi World War.
And suddenly the way everyone acts makes a lot of sense. Sakumo chose to save his comrades and know all of them watch as their village and country submerges itself into another worldwide meatgrinder? Yeah, no fucking wonder they started hating him, they are also kind of responsible for shit going down. The village despised him? Yeah, alright, everyone now must prepare for another war with like 3 different Greater Nations and think of how their friends and relatives are going to die, of course they can't stand his guts. Sakumo watches his homeland being engulfed into the fires of war caused by his one decision that went against the rules of shinobi? Oh yeah, no wonder he takes his life, no one's honor ever recovers from setting off a literal World War. Young Kakashi wants nothing to do with his father's name and values, even of it's his only (once upon a time) living relative? I mean, your dad's the reason all the adults in the village are getting their mandatory wartime flashbacks to shit thay experienced back during the Second Shinobi World War and you and your classmates instead of having to catch cats somewhere in the village now have to catch boulders with their faces somewhere on the border between Land of Earth and Land of Grass, of course you're not gonna follow his steps in any capacity.
Anyway, you get the idea. Now that I've explained why I believe the beginning of TSWW is assossiated with Hatake Sakumo, we can see that the war lasted for about 5 years, which is pretty reasonable time for at least two generations to get completely fucked over, so this theory passes a sanity check. Thus, we can presume that TSWW started 22 years before the events of Shippuden.
And, as I am sure you are aware, 22 is a magical number for this post, because Hidan is exactly 22 years old in Shippuden
(while searching for info for this post, I've found the English translation of the databook, so here's a bit of it with the main stuff for Hidan)
Now, all of my previous yapping about the dates creates a pretty interesting picture: Akatsuki members can be separated into three clusters (Zetsu and Orochimaru don't count, didn't care + didn't ask + L bozo + asspull plot twists): grandpa Kakuzu as the outlier that literally predates the shinobi village system, the majority of Akatsuki aged 30-40 aka kids born during the Second Shinobi World War and later fucked up by the Third Shinobi World War, and the three kids of the Third Shinobi World War aka Hidan (22), Itachi (21) and Deidara (19). Who are. You know. Even if they never fought in that war, they are still clearly not okay.
So yeah, one certain thing: Hidan would have been born around the same time as the TSWW was beginning, and, considering that it lasted 5 years, he should, theoretically, be able to remember its last years (the ones that involved sending 13 year olds on the enemy territory on Konoha's side of the conflict, wonderful stuff).
Now we'll be switching to geography because, I mean, how bad could it be for wherever Hidan was born? The answer is - likely pretty fucking bad.
Here's another tidbit from the databook confirming that Hidan was born in Yugakure (the reason why I specifically checked for it was that I was unsure if he simply got his shinobi education(?) in Yugakure or he was actually born there, the first scenario makes things kind of more ambigious; and it is possible, Kushina is an example of someone born in Uzushio and trained in Konoha). Now let's look at the map and see where Yugakure is...
Goddamit it's right in between Land of Fire and Land of Lightining. Literally like the fastest way for either country's army to pass through to fuck up each other. Possibly for Blood Mist too, if they ever got the brightest idea to go fuck up Kumogakure via a land path.
And yes there's no doubt that Konoha and Kumo were fighting in that war (chapter 542)
Ay, Bee and Minato can only be young adults for TSWW + Minato explicitly states that neither Ay nor he are Kage yet, Minato becomes one after the end of the war, while Ay does after his father dies fighting a giant army (figure which village is geographically close to Kumo to pull this) for three days straight. All in all, Kumo and Konoha undoubtedly were against each other during the time Hidan would be learning how to talk and walk, so Yugakure would be stuck between the rock and the hard place.
Which, off the example of Amegakure (granted these poor fuckers are stuck between THREE Greater Nations, and whenever there's a big conflict going on Suna, Iwa and Konoha like to throw the title of "the biggest civilian casualties inflicter" between each other like it's hot potato, but nonetheless) being a small village in this position sucks major ass. Hidan would have been watching his home getting rolled over by Kumo and Konoha repeatedly all childhood, and I think it's pretty safe to say that it's heavily affected him and his hightened interest in all things violent.
And off the paragraph above, we see that Yugakure turned into a resort village after the war ended (this couldn't have happened before or during it, otherwise it raises a question of how the hell Hidan is a shinobi).
(And I love the phrase "all major wars disappeared from the world" - my brother in christ it's been literally just 17 years and everyone's at each others throats again, why is Kishimoto trying to desperately gaslight his readers into believing that it was all bad before but now everyone's in an era of peace, the world is literally in another mid-war period and the world is aware of what these times look like (already happened 2 times))
Ahem. Sorry for going off topic. Now, whether Yugakure stopped being a military center on its own volition due to economic reasons or someone pressured them into demilitarising (once again, there's a pretty big border between the Land of Hot Springs and Land of Fire, and Konoha's got this dude named Danzo who likes having his nose into bordering countries' business, hi again, Ame, and is the literal embodiment of paranoia, considering all of that, such a scenario is possible), the result is the same - Yugakure is now a peaceful village, Hidan is its shinobi who is likely traumatised from the events in TSWW, so he craves some pretty extreme forms of violence. It's kind of obvious why he got tangled with the cult of Jashin.
And then there's... nothing. Literally a blank period. There's no info on Hidan's education as the shinobi (the databook has ??? for this info), Yugakure has no ninja registration system unlike the major hidden villages, so nothing can be inferred off of that, there's some stuff said about cult of Jashin and Hidan being the first successfull immortality experiment, but there are no events corresponding to any of this in the manga or the databooks, so alas, we have no clues what was going on with him before his recruitment into Akatsuki, so let's go into this
Thankfully, there's a bit more on that. Hidan during the six day (jesus christ I really hope Pain, Konan and Obito are paying these guys for the overtime, wtf is that, being stuck with your coworkers for 144 hours) zoom call when they were sealing Isobu and Matatabi argues with Pain and says the following
(chapter 329)
(and yes if you are wondering "hey weren't Hidan and Kakuzu dead by the time Obito and Deidara caught Isobu?", this is one of the prime examples why I don't care for anything stated in the anime, because this is one of the things changed from the original: Isobu is shown to be caught before, I believe, Hidan and Kakuzu even make an appearance, the canon scene for Isobu capture starts with Isobu watching who the fuck woke him up, while Obito and Deidara are yapping as usual before Obito is off to get bullied by this one big turtle for the third fucking time in his life)
Obviously, we know that Tobi joined Akatsuki officially after Sasori's death, during Shippuden events, so Hidan's recruitment would be somewhere before that and literally everyone else in the organization. Konan, Zetsu, Pain were there from the start after Obito took over, Itachi joined 8 years ago (after the Uchiha massacre), I've explained why I believe Deidara was taken 7 years before Shippuden, but obviously it can be anywhere between 7 to 4 years, Kisame would have to be somewhere before Deidara, Sasori would have to be before Itachi (because he was Orochimaru's partner before Itachi came about), Kakuzu could have happened literally at any point after the takeover but before Hidan's joining. So, not much is conclusive here, except that at earliest it would have taken like 7 years before Shippuden.
HOWEVER! There's one scene that actually allows us to establish that Hidan would have been recruited during the timeskip between OG Naruto and Shippuden! And it's everyone's favorite "why the fuck is Deidara upside down on the ceiling" scene
First important thing about Akatsuki: Hidan's figure is very obvious, even during the zoom meetings, considering that he is oftentimes drawn with his scythe. As we can see, no scythe in sight.
But that's not the weirdest thing in this picture. I, as a very sane person, have Akatsuki members' heights saved up (rounded up mathematically), so let's take a look at them:
Kisame 195
Kakuzu 185
Obito 182
Itachi 178
Zetsu 177
Hidan 177
Pain 177
Nagato 176
Konan 169
Deidara 166
Sasori 164
Now, after seeing this data, do you see anything conflicting with it on the picture above?
...
...
Who the fuck is this guy? The guy who is TOWERING above Kisame, literally the tallest known member?
My sanity says that the obvious answer is Kishimoto didn't plan shit, the designs for Akatsuki members weren't finished by that point, so we get this weird shit in the chapters before Akatsuki got revealed. Unfortunately, my sanity does not work as an in-universe argument, so the alternative is that this is actually Kakuzu's partner before Hidan (one of the guys that got killed by him), which creates the following chain of events: Akatsuki have this meeting 3 years before Shippuden, Kakuzu kills this 2.5 meter tall dude, and then the HR department aka Pain, Konan and Obito find this one undying cultist and pair them up because goddammit Kakuzu we don't have time for this bullshit, we need to tailedbeastmaxx.
So, as a result, Hidan joined Akatsuki anywhere from 19 to 22 (and I don't remove 22 from the boundary unlike I did with Deidara because Hidan not knowing wtf Akatsuki's goal is in this particular meeting is pretty wild, considering that Isobu and Matatabi are the fourth and fifth Tailed Beast that they are sealing by this point - Deidara said during the Kazekage Rescue arc that before Gaara they already got two jinchuiki, so 2 + Shukaku = 3 before that meeting - and zero times did Hidan think about asking "hey Leader what the fuck are we cooking here")
And I think that's about all I've got in regards to timeline stuff for Hidan. 0-5 - watches the carnage of the Third Shinobi World War, the next like 15 years are in the fog of war, so we only know that he's got his shinobi education, got pissed at the village, joined a cult, obtained immortality, and then from 19 to 22 he is recruited into Akatsuki.
thanks for joining my Tobitalk for today
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A Scene for a Scene: Kieta Hatsukoi Episode 1 (2021, Japan) ♥ My Love Mix-Up! Episode 1 (2024, Thailand)
#kieta hatsukoi#my love mix up#my love mix up th#mlmuedit#boyslovesource#asianlgbtqdramas#my gifs#my edits#mine: kieta hatsukoi#mine: my love mix up#mine: kh4mlmu#i haven't been present enough to know who's watching or who'd be interested in being usertagged so#hope this finds its audience lmao#but anyway i've seen many people being like THE THAI ONE IS MOVING TOO FAST#when in fact it is not and in this <s>essay</s> gifset i will--#actually kh is 25 minutes per episode but the scenes somehow last twice as long#that has been my take away from giffing just this part#each gif in kh had to be cut from like 400-500 frames#whereas mlmu was usually around 200-300 max#anyway. here's this.#i'm only 2 scenes into it and i already regret starting this but alkdfjs i will get to CINDERELLA ok#hopefully they diverge soon bc holy shit thailand have 2 extra episodes and the eps are nearly 2 times as long wydddd#ignore the fug colouring on mlmu i'll fix it kadsjfasdhf lmao
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I used to like saying "gender is a social construct," but I stopped saying that because people didn't tend to react well - they thought that I was saying gender wasn't real, or didn't matter, or could be safely ignored without consequences. Which has always baffled me a bit as an interpretation, honestly, because many things are social constructs - like money, school, and the police - and they certainly have profound effects on your life whether or not you believe in them. And they sure don't go away if you ignore them.
Anyway. What I've taken to saying instead is, "gender is a cultural practice." This gives more of a sense of respect for the significance gender holds to many people. And it also opens the door to another couple layers of analysis.
Gender is cultural. It is not globally or historically homogeneous. It shifts over time, develops differently in different communities, and can be influenced by cross-cultural contact. Like many, many aspects of culture, the current status of gender is dramatically influenced by colonialism. Colonial gender norms are shaped by the hierarchical structure of imperialist society, and enforced onto colonized cultures as part of the project of imperial cultural hedgemony.
Gender is practiced. What constitutes a gender includes affects and behaviors, jobs or areas of work, skillsets, clothing, collective and individual practices of gender affiliation and affirmation. Any or all of these things, in any combination, depending on the gender, the culture, and the practitioner.
Gender encompasses shared cultural archetypes. These can include specific figures - gods and goddesses, mythic or fictional characters, etc - or they can be more abstract or general. The Wise Woman, Robin Hood, the Dyke, the Working Man, the Plucky Heroine, the Effete Gay Man, etc etc. The range of archetypes does not circumscribe a given gender, that is, they're not all there is to gender. But they provide frameworks and reference points by which people relate to gender. They may be guides for ways to inhabit or practice a gender. They may be stereotypes through which the gendered behavior of others is viewed.
Gender as a framework can be changed. Because it is created collectively, by shared acknowledgement and enforcement by members of society. Various movements have made significant shifts in how gender is structured at various times and places. The impact of these shifts has been widely variable - for example, depending on what city I'm in, even within my (fairly culturally homogeneous) home country, the way I am gendered and reacted to changes dramatically. Looping back to point one, we often speak of gender in very broad terms that obscure significant variability which exists on many scales.
Gender is structured recursively. This can be seen in the archetypes mentioned above, which range from extremely general (say, the Mother) to highly specific (the PTA Soccer Mom). Even people who claim to acknowledge only two genders will have many concepts of gendered-ways-of-being within each of them, which they may view and react to VERY differently.
Gender is experienced as an external cultural force. It cannot be opted out of, any more than living in a society can be opted out of. Regardless of the internal experience of gender, the external experience is also present. Operating within the shared cultural understanding of gender, one can aim to express a certain practice of gender - to make legible to other people how it is you interface with gender. This is always somewhat of a two-way process of communication. Other people may or may not perceive what you're going for - and they may or may not respect it. They may try to bring your expressed gender into alignment with a gender they know, or they might parcel you off into your own little box.
Gender is normative. Within the structure of the "cultural mainstream," there are allowable ways to practice gender. Any gendered behavior is considered relative to these standards. What behavior is allowed, rewarded, punished, or shunned is determined relative to what is gender normative for your perceived gender. Failure to have a clearly perceivable gender is also, generally, punished. So is having a perceivable gender which is in itself not normative.
Gender is taught by a combination of narratives, punishments, and encouragements. This teaching process is directed most strongly towards children but continues throughout adulthood. Practice of normatively-gendered behaviors and alignment with 'appropriate' archetypes is affirmed, encouraged, and rewarded. Likewise 'other'- gendered behavior and affinity to archetypes is scolded, punished, or shunned. This teaching process is inherently coercive, as social acceptance/rejection is a powerful force. However it can't be likened to programming, everyone experiences and reacts to it differently. Also, this process teaches the cultural roles and practices of both (normative) genders, even as it attempts to force conformity to only one.
Gender regulates access to certain levers of social power. This one is complicated by the fact that access to levers of social power is also affected by *many* other things, most notably race, class, and citizenship. I am not going to attempt to describe this in any general terms, I'm not equipped for that. I'll give a few examples to explain what I'm talking about though. (1) In a social situation, a man is able to imply authority, which is implicitly backed by his ability to intimidate by yelling, looming, or threatening physical violence. How much authority he is perceived to have in response to this display is a function of his race and class. It is also modified by how strongly he appears to conform to a masculine ideal. Whether or not he will receive social backlash for this behavior (as a separate consideration to how effective it will be) is again a function of race/class/other forms of social standing. (2) In a social situation, a woman is able to invoke moral judgment, and attempt to modify the behavior of others by shame. The strength of her perceived moral authority depends not just on her conformity to ideal womanhood, but especially on if she can invoke certain archetypes - such as an Innocent, a Mother, or better yet a Grandmother. Whether her moral authority is considered a relevant consideration to influence the behavior of others (vs whether she will be belittled or ignored) strongly depends on her relative social standing to those she is addressing, on basis of gender/race/class/other.
[Again, these examples are *not* meant to be exhaustive, nor to pass judgment on employing any social power in any situation. Only to illustrate what "gendered access to social power" might mean. And to illustrate that types of power are not uniform and may play out according to complex factors.]
Gender is not based in physical traits, but physical traits are ascribed gendered value. Earlier, I described gender as practiced, citing almost entirely things a person can do or change. And I firmly believe this is the core of gender as it exists culturally - and not just aspirationally. After the moment when a gender is "assigned" based on infant physical characteristics, they are raised into that gender regardless of the physical traits they go on to develop (in most circumstances, and unless/until they denounce that gender.) The range of physical traits like height, facial shape, body hair, ability to put on muscle mass - is distributed so that there is complete overlap between the range of possible traits for people assigned male and people assigned female. Much is made of slight trends in things that are "more common" for one binary sex or the other, but it's statistically quite minor once you get over selection bias. However, these traits are ascribed gendered connotations, often extremely strongly so. As such, the experience of presented and perceived gender is strongly effected by physical traits. The practice of gender therefore naturally expands to include modification of physical traits. Meanwhile, the social movements to change how gender is constructed can include pushing to decrease or change the gendered association of physical traits - although this does not seem to consistently be a priority.
Gender roles are related to the hypothetical ability to bear children, but more obliquely than is often claimed. It is popular to say that the types of work considered feminine derive from things it is possible to do while pregnant or tending small children. However, research on the broader span of human history does not hold this up. It may be true of the cultures that gave immediate rise to the colonial gender roles we are familiar with - secondary to the fact that childcare was designated as women's work. (Which it does not have to be, even a nursing infant doesn't need to be with the person who feeds it 24 hours a day.) More directly, gender roles have been influenced by structures of social control aiming for reproductive control. In the direct precursors of colonial society, attempts to track paternal lineage led to extreme degrees of social control over women, which we still see reflected in normative gender today. Many struggles for women's liberation have attempted to push back these forms of social control. It is my firm opinion that any attempt to re-emphasize childbearing as a touchstone of womanhood is frankly sick. We are at a time where solidarity in struggle for gender liberation, and for reproductive rights, is crucial. We need to cast off shackles of control in both fights. Trying to tie childbearing back to womanhood hobbles both fights and demeans us all.
Gender is baked deeply enough into our culture that it is unlikely to ever go away. Many people feel strongly about the practice of gender, in one way or another, and would not want it to. However we have the power to change how gender is structured and enforced. We can push open the doors of what is allowable, and reduce the pain of social punishment and isolation. We can dismantle another of the tools of colonial hedgemony and social control. We can change the culture!
#Gender theory#I have gotten so sick of seeing posts about gender dynamics that have no robust framework of what gender IS#so here's a fucking. manifesto. apparently.#I've spent so long chewing on these thoughts that some of this feels like. it must be obvious and not worth saying.#but apparently these are not perspectives that are really out in the conversation?#Most of this derives from a lot of conversations I've had in person. With people of varying gender experiences.#A particular shoutout to the young woman I met doing collaborative fish research with an indigenous nation#(which feels rude to name without asking so I won't)#who was really excited to talk gender with me because she'd read about nonbinary identity but I was the first nb person she'd met#And her perspective on the cultural construction of gender helped put so many things together for me.#I remember she described her tribe's construction of gender as having been put through a cookie cutter of colonial sexism#And how she knew it had been a whole nuanced construction but what remained was really. Sexist. In ways that frustrated her.#And yet she understood why people held on to it because how could you stand to loose what was left?#And how she wanted to see her tribe be able to move forward and overcome sexism while maintaining their traditional practices in new ways#As a living culture is able to.#Also many other trans people of many different experiences over the years.#And a handful of people who were involved in the various feminist movements of the past century when they had teeth#Which we need to have again.#I hate how toothless gender discourse has become.#We're all just gnawing at our infighting while the overall society goes wildly to shit#I was really trying to lay out descriptive theory here without getting into My Opinions but they got in there the last few bullet points#I might make some follow up posts with some of my slightly more sideways takes#But I did want to keep this one to. Things I feel really solidly on.
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I was at a "making friends" kind of social event just this past week and ended up having two subsequent conversations with different people that gave me an interesting reflection on my own reasons for writing without me even intending to make the conversation about it.
First conversation: The person talked about the feeling of awe from being at a music concert and how incredible it is that so many complete strangers can be united by a singular love of music. I related to it with regards to my own writing and how many people have read my stuff. Ended up telling this guy about some of the AO3 comments I've gotten from people to the effect of helping motivate them to live/just reflect on life in general. Somehow went into a tangent about a suicidal friend of mine who died when we were in high school, and me saying that maybe the reason I write so much about the things I do is because of the influence his death had on me. And the other person ended up asking me, 'So do you think it's like every time you write, you're doing it in his memory in a way?'
Subsequent conversation was with someone who was a psychologist for a day job, and I ended up telling them that I was kind of thinking of getting a degree in psychology/therapy one day because writing about mental health issues had gotten me so interested in the world of helping people heal themselves. But then I was also like, "Well, I don't know, it could be that I don't need to become a psychologist to help people with mental health. Maybe helping people by being a writer and telling stories is enough."
It was just a surprising, but topical realization for me to have talking to a bunch of strangers. For someone like me who's often preoccupied with doing and having knowledge and expertise, I often fall into the idea that you need to be directly involved in helping people to really be making a difference. I've literally had thoughts in my mind along the lines of "I'm so smart, hardworking, and dedicated when it comes to writing, but wouldn't it have been so much more of a net gain to the world if I'd decided to be this passionate about something like being a doctor or activist that actually helps people?" It's not like I truly regret being a writer (or ever will, because there's nothing else that I love so much), but in my bad moments I truly do sometimes think "Why does it make a difference if I entertain people or make them feel nicer for a while if it doesn't actually change anything in the world?" To quote one of my favorite Transformers fics of all time, "There was nothing that would have been more worthwhile, but that didn't rule out the possibility that the whole damn universe was wasting its time."
I guess the answer is that making someone feel better, even in a small way, is changing the world, even if it's just a few people, and even if it's just as simple as making someone's day better.
#squiggposting#deeply personal shit just bc i feel like it and have been brooding on the final topic of this post#(if me being a writer is a waste or not) for a while#idk man it's the internet which is great bc it means i reach so many more people than i would without it#but it also means i don't really see the impact i have unless i'm told or happen to find it#i feel a little bad sometimes. like i should be more grateful for what impact/acclaim/positive influence i do have#but a lot of days i just feel...numb about it? i don't want to say i'm taking it for granted or feel entitled to more#i also talked about this to one of those people: that i have a hard time feeling things sometimes#both in a clinical depression way and that sometimes i just can't summon the emotions i think i should be#idk man i think i'm just at a point in my life where my identity (and honestly health) is in too much flux#and i'm also so damn lonely that i keep overthinking things that i shouldn't#venting#it's just weird to me how i sometimes think i feel too much/too hard and sometimes i don't feel ENOUGH#i think it doesn't help that like my dayjob is something i only generally find interesting but find no fulfilment in#so like. writing is pretty much what i've got to make life feel like it means something#everything else feels like it's something i'm forcing myself to do or is part of some long term plan or is an obligation#or something i 'should be doing'. writing is the only thing that i do and i push myself in bc i love it#if that doesn't mean something then nothing in life means anything
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trying to look for a ttrpg group in spaces where I can't just go 'listen I want to play this shit in the tumblr fandom kind of model (gay subtext extremely welcome bordering on essential, mutual unhinged character psychoanalysis, we could create a novel of a backstory together to make this sadder, let's all play with our OC dolls together and also sometimes dice are rolled I guess)' and be readily understood and/or not be immediately side-eyed or denigrated for my inherent unavoidable tumblerinaness feels like such an annoying debuff to deal with on the quest. like I know my people exist out there but how do I express myself in the right way and wade through all the copious not-it (not for me) dynamics to find them!!!
#I feel like a weird kid in the playground trying to find someone who plays the same way as me all over again fhdksjfa#(and if/when I find them -- how the fuck to approach them)#turns out there are so many ways to play rpgs that do not appeal to me in the slightest#there are so many dimensions -- creative interpersonal gameplay-wise -- where you can severely not match with someone lmao#with half of the people I've come across it seems like it would be a struggle just to agree there should be a session 0 :')#but I know I KNOW this could be exactly my kind of fun with the right people it's a little maddening#(my group of friends when I was 12-13 was like... we were trying SO hard to play an rpg without having an rpg to play#some from first principles but with no guidelines to help us stuff#and it was one of my rare 'oh fuck. oh fuck yeah this could be it!!' social moments at that time lol. clearly something instinctive there)#I have been lurking around in a discord server on a more national/local level but I'm not gonna lie... a lot of The Good Old Boys shit#dominating the conversation there. I really don't think they mean to take all the oxygen out of the room for everyone else but uh#it's kind of just what happens. I have seen seen hour-long debates over definitions so esoteric and navel-gazing it would haunt your dreams#trying to wade through that to find the people who might vibe more with me seems... so exhausting and I don't know howww!!#the high masking autistic blues plays again
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not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go
(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)
#today's gone Badly and i'm upset but instead of venting abt it i'm gonna channel that energy into doing a bit of tag rambling abt Boothill#well. less abt Him and more abt uh. self-analyzing my anxiety surrounding contributing to fandoms. he's just today's catalyst#like. i know it's mostly a me thing. i'm hypersensitive to criticism and very conflict avoidant + socially anxious + perfectionistic etc.#so I'm the one that keeps myself from posting more stuff out of fear of being criticized or called-out for what i've made#bc inevitably Someone's gonna see it and think its OOC or a problematic take or they'll misread my intent. etc etc what have you#but like. that's inevitable. there's no way to communicate every single thing with all of the nuance required to avoid misunderstandings#and other times it's not a misunderstanding it's just a difference of opinions and that's Fine!! there's no accounting for personal taste#there's no accounting for several things actually. taste‚ bias‚ lore-knowledge‚ differing levels of chronic-online-ness‚ etc#so this isn't me complaining abt the state of fandom culture (although i do think. sometimes. ppl take shit a bit too seriously)#but anyways all of this is mostly just anxiety-fueled. it's not like i very often actually even receive negative feedback or anything#if anything ppl tend to tell me that i'm overthinking it and killing my own fun and worried that my stuff is more OOC than it is#which like. yeah. Yeah u right :) but that's just the way that i am! always losing the idgaf war i suppose#anyways what's Boothill got to do w this ur wondering. well. i've been thinking abt the quickly emerging concept that he's illiterate.#and it just. has me feeling a lot of ways. and watching ppl disagree over it has me feeling some Bad ways. bc it's def a loaded topic!#if you'll pardon the pun there. and i don't rlly have anything new to add other than that i'm conflicted abt it.#like yeah i saw the leaks days ago. of him mentioning 'not hitting the books' much as a child when we ask him why he sends voice messages#or voice Transcriptions ig. ykwim. and like. *braces for impact* ...i liked it? like. it doesn't feel right to call it endearing#i'm not trying to infantilize him. ok that's not the right word either but ugh. you know? what i mean?? who am i kidding even i don't know#it's not quite right to say that it feels like Representation either. but it's something close i guess#as a southern person myself who didn't receive a 'complete' education due to factors that weren't to do with my intelligence#the concept of seeing him as a capable force to be reckoned with and respected who also happens to have not received much formal education#i like that. i do. but there's so many issues w it at the same time. like. as i said‚ being southern myself has me Wary of the way Hoyo is-#writing him. as well as of the way that the fandom is taking the bits of his lore and running away w them. and i'm Very aware of how ppl-#will see a southern character and be All Too Eager to agree that they're lacking intelligence based on our Redneck™ stereotype#sigh. and before we even go too far with this. it's not even confirmed that hes completely illiterate. which is a valid criticism i've seen#there's Multiple reasons that could make him prefer voice to text. but regardless. i'm just worried that ppl will misconstrue my intentions#like. example: that edit i made the other day of him saying 'no thanks i can't read'. wasn't me playing into the stereotype of-#'haha dumb country boy can't read!' it was. in my eyes. something he'd say as a joke to make light of a potential insecurity#like. i think there's far more depth to Boothill's character if ppl could look past the surface. and i dont wanna contribute to the problem#but sometimes ppl Will have stereotypical traits and i wish the same could apply to characters as long as it's done Thoughtfully.
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they've come a long way
#i've been meaning to remake the original monster boyz post for sooo long#when i first made that edit they were essentially just dhes & kel in costume#like. i honestly didn't want to write any lore for the mbz for a long time#but the lore practically wrote itself#they sort of just naturally evolved into who they are now#& now that i have lore for them i have so many edits & story stuff i want to do with them that i literally cannot keep up#i have a literal list of shit i wanna make & do w them & i just do not have the time to do any of it!!#it's gonna take me all of next year to get through this list!!#they're like. genuinely my favorite lil guys#i'm glad i joined simblr bc i never would have made them otherwise#i never had any interest in apocalypse stories or even horror for that matter#i mean. i like horror movies but as far as writing goes i was always more of a slice of life kinda person#y'all have opened my eyes to the horrors#(in a good way)#n e way. i do plan on making a few lore/story related posts at some point#i have NOT forgotten about the boys' origin stories. i just don't have tiiiiime#rainyrambles
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me when i write a character who is prone to dooming themself and then they run off and doom themself. core traits are stubbornness and a willingness to disregard their own humanity gET BACK HERE IM NOT DONE WITH YOU
#rambling#surprisingly this is not about jakob.. im just really consistent about my favorite character archetypes 😭😭#WARNING THE NOTES ON THIS ARE REALLY LONG I STARTED RAMBLING#“ouhh i have a headache i'll just lie down and rotate my blorbos in no general direction for a while until it goes away” and then boom.#serious plot considerations. 2 questions answered 24million new questions raised. this is specifically Not what i asked for.#so now im sitting here STILL dizzy running mental calculations on how i can get this bitch out of peril without reworking everything#but they literally keep dying in every timeline 😭😭 every single plausible road leads to them running off and screwing themself over#“character who doesn't realize they want to live until it's way too late to look back” VS#“character who is forced to live and handle the things they never though they'd survive long enough to deal with” FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT.#fucking hell i have never had this much trouble writing a character as i have with them#they genuinely do just run off and do shit without my permission and then i have to pace for an hour or two wondering#“ok they wOULD do that. but should they. do i feel like i can confidently write that.”#im like constantly in this tug of war trying to get them to CHILL#but also they are absolutely my favorite character from the entire project. but like. FUCK GET BACK HERE#is death the most satisfying end to this arc? is someone who was Set on dying then NOT dying the most satisfying end to the arc?#how many bridges can you burn until you irreparably set yourself aflame too?#would ghost or revival plotline work?? would it make sense with the worldbuilding??#do i just Like Them enough to want them to not die?? where do i draw the line between personal bias and a good arc?#is death not feeling as impactful as survival solely because i've been writing for so long that it's lost the initial impact?#and other such plot considerations...#im gonna have such an easy time writing another character though 😭😭 because THAT character's dynamic in the second act#is to stare at character 1 and be like “why are you like this. i mean i know Why but can you chill. please.” and like damn bro me too#actually wait no i think kaey.a is the hardest character i've ever written i take it back#had to worry about his 20million facades AND his Actual feelings AND canon compliance. shit is hard#i still havent finished the k/aeya fic i started back when the chasm first released which is uhh. two years ago. oops.#i think i struggle writing emotionally repressed liars i think thats what this is 😭😭 anyways.#(voice of guy who has been obsessed with nonlinear narratives and tragedies for several years):#“is it too much to kill this character in a nonlinear exploration game with tragic elements”#like bitch what are you talking about 😭😭 YOU'RE the target audience here figure it out#sorry the notes on this are just my writing journal now apparently
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ngl i love the naruto fic trend of 'kakashi goes back in time and has to try to fix everything'
#it's so common but also 90% of those fics i've read have been SUPER good#i've seen so many different slight variations on this too#naruto#i really enjoy a hokage-era kakashi because he's the most put together and likely to actually fuck shit up and not worry as much about being#like. suspicious.#an early naruto kakashi might have more time being lost in his memories when surrounded by everyone he lost#i've seen ones where kakashi goes back alone. where he and obito both go. where some of the kids go with him#read one that killed me recently where a post-series hokage kakashi switches places entirely with his younger self#(though what his younger self is experiencing in the future is told entierly through him suddenly remembering things that never happened#as if they were long ago#and witnessing this altering of time and memory. kakashi in the past elects to not tell his team anything about the future#even when minato asks him directly#he takes it as torture and doesn't break.#i read one once where kakashi went back to his child body but the sharingan came with him#i've read one where in his attempt to fix things he gets himself kidnapped in rin's stead and becomes host to sanbi#i've never seen this trend be as common in any fandom as it is with naruto#i guess cause kakashi's past is a series of horrible events that. wouldn't you like the chance to fix them
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embracing the vampire autism i have going on apparently means combing through 500 vtm books and making notes on the lore and contradictions in the lore and potential implications and what was intended to be taken from some things vs things that actually make sense in context/with better research and sorting through what was included for mechanical gameplay vs worldbuilding reasons and combining all of this + the information intentionally left vague so i can form my own ideas into an amalgam of schrodingers canon with which to try to figure out what i personally tend to view as canon in-universe and then still figuring out how to insert the contradictory information/alternate interpretations in as like. character opinion/intentional misinformation/etc.
#The upside to this is i actually really like combing through a bunch of information and sorting through it. in theory.#Lowkey kind of house of leaves/arg feeling#the downside of this is i am being So Autistic about it and it is going to take So Long and also#my desire to be Accurate and the fact that this encompasses so many times and places#means that i am going to want to do So Much only tangentially related researchhelp#and there's already So Many vtm/dark ages books even without getting into the other world of darkness stuff#which at this rate i am probably going to want to get at least somewhat into#because it can canonically intersect with/affect vampire shit at times#mypost#'embracing the vampire autism' i say. as if i havent been visibly careening toward this particular collision for A While#it first i was like. no this isnt the autism. at least not any more than usual. i've always Liked this#this is.... a normal amount of liking something. sure.#.....fuck.#and the issue is. i have. other things to be doing. but here we are.#and instead im like. that unhinged conspiracy board meme from always sunny but with vtm lore#attempting to sort all of it out coherently and borderline comprehensively#which is. kind of fitting for people trying to but together all the different lore and conspiracies in-universe tbh#and kind of reminds me of when i first started researching the occult as a younger teenager#with the like. mountains of information and different loosely interrelated subjects to sift through with various degrees of sketchiness#nostalgic. anyway
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... My parents really for real are leaving the uncleaned, rotten potato juice and other misc unknown juice infested, LITERALLY FRUIT FLY LARVAE INFESTED, cupboards, in the bathroom,
For like the 4th day starting today if I am counting right
Sure just don't let me shower sure just let me get paranoid over the larvae sure make me not trust the bathtub for like a week sure let the place get more infested sure let it stink up the whole place SURE LEAVE THE FUCKING BATHROOM UNUSABLE
#I was the one who found the cupboard btw#They fr left shit there for months#Never checked it#Bc I don't cook or stay in the kitchen a long time unless I'm actively seeking Being Alone and Not Food#I never checked#Whole place infested with fruit flies#Thousands so many#'haha guess it's summer gotta be the trash' mom says#Then I try finding the source myself on an already extremely low appetite#....... Yea let's just say I just had to comfort food it out again after my discovery. So bad.#I know they've had work but. Uhm. Today home all day. Are they seriously not gonna clean it unless I say#I'M NOT DOING IT I'LL THROW UP + IDK HOW TO DO IT DO I LOOK LIKE I'VE BEEN TAUGHT#TO CLEAN ANYTHING#We don't even have basic cleaning supplies.#They always leave gross buckets of gross?? UNKNOWN LIQUIDS#In there for DAYS#And I CANT TAKE A BATH JNLESS I ASK SOMEONE#FOR#DAYS#LEAST HYGIENIC FUCKING HOUSE JESUS CHRIST I GET TOLD MY ROOM IS GROSS AND DIRTY#BUT ITS THE CLEANEST PLACE IN THE HOUSEEEEEE#Would be better if WE DIDNT LOSE THE WHOLE VACUUM SOMEHOW#Where IS IT.#I can't with this house#Vent#Sorry I'm talking abt this situation a lot (@my friends)#Like Uhm I wanna shower. I haven't since my Transgender Werewolf Period began#No since BEFORE IT. I'm DISGUSTING. PLEASE. GET THE LARVAE INFESTED THING OUT OF HERE#AAHHHHHHHH#I'M WRITING THIS BC KM AVOIDING BRUSHING MY TEETH NEAR THIS THING.
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after surgery i'm buying myself pentiment goddamnit
#reasons to live#also new doctor who episodes#i've been wanting to play for soooo long but haven't really had the money to spend#so i'm using this as an excuse#trying to focus on all the fun/good/cool things that i can do after#seeing hozier later in the summer#watching the wild flowers come up in the backyard#this is hell but i will get through it and there WILL be an other side i will make sure of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#there's a chance we can get it done tomorrow if the doctor thinks it won't be super complicated#i hope we can cause the longer this goes the more we suffer#i just want it to be over#once i'm all healed i am going to smoke a cigarette and savor every fucking puff i haven't been able to smoke for over a k month now :/#another thing to look forward too#and i think i have a vinyl preordered???? am can never remember what other parts have bought#oh and i'm going to binge rewatch the hunger games (all of them) after surgery#been meaning to do that & im using this as an excuse to do nothing but watch movies all day#got some audiobooks downloaded that hopefully they'll let me listen to during (unless it's going to be loud (??) then i have music)#i'm taking my puppy stuffie husband got me when we had to live apart for a summer before we got married#puppy is so special to me#he goes everywhere with me#i love him so much#i would just hold him and cry and cry and cry when husband had to leave :((((#i am so scared#there's so many young parts too who are just i mean they are the ones holding a lot of this shit like i cant imagine what it's like for the#the little bit that leaks through to me is horrific and makes me want to fucking vomit#i'm worried for them#they're splitting bad :((( and i don't have any way to help#we're doing our tapping and tre and everything but idk how much that helps on the inside#idk man#it's all so much
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New dream diary.
This one was kind of odd in its tone. At times deathly serious, and others incredibly superficial. I dreamed that I was in a far future kind of setting where this game had kind of taken over the world at large for good and for ill. It existed in many forms: a miniature based war game, a trading card game, and mixed reality massively multiplayer online video game. I say mixed reality, not just as something that incorporates real world objects into itself, but as something that directly affects reality as well. It also conferred great powers on high level players. But I will get back to this in a bit.
Another aspect of this dream was that I was in a polyamorous relationship in a sort of hub and spoke system. Myself and a few other people were romantically involved with this one woman, but weren't really involved with each other. And for whatever reason, the polycule all lived together, except for the woman we were all romantically tied to. Some of them I got along with great, and we were good friends, but this one guy I did not much like at all and we pointedly tried to spend as little time around each other as possible. This is borne out at one point by this guy talking up how much time they are going to spend together the next time she visits, and I take him at his word. But when she arrives, she specifically wants to be with me.
This is awkward for a number of reasons, not all of them interpersonal. I had been prepping for a day to myself, playing a single player version of the card game which was offline but could still record progress and would update my associated stats upon the next time I logged in. I also had not fully bathed, and this is where the dream took a very tonally strange tangent. Instead of bathing at home like would be the sane thing to do, I instead find out about a fully automated robotic bathhouse in India, and opt to use it instead. Doing so involves me fully teleporting myself to the complete other side of the world, which I do as a lark. But in doing so, I forget to bring my shampoo, so my hair is still a greasy mess. And again, instead of just doing it at home, I feel the need to make the trip once more.
Unsurprisingly, one of the things our shared romantic interest wanted to do together was have sex. But in thinking I was not going to be partaking today, I gratified myself shortly before she arrived. Which the dude who lied about her being with him today (sorry that I don't have names here, my dream did not provide any so I have to describe everyone in terms of my relationship to them) makes fun of me for doing. Which, in addition to being shitty by itself, he implies that by doing so I am unworthy to be in a relationship with her because of it. For her part, she does not seem to pay this any mind. She is actually quite interested in the details, because she finds the idea of me touching myself to the idea of her very hot. From here the narrative starts to pull away, as for whatever reason my dreams will often be sexually charged but they almost never actually feature any explicit sexual content.
The narrative then takes on a more limited-omniscient perspective, showcasing the shared goings-on of the other members of the polycule as I am away with our shared love. Specifically, it starts with one of the people I am friends with investigating a recent, and hugely influential moment that happened in the MMO part of this game. It was a group activity that involved trying to stop the latest attack from the antagonist faction, which went about as bad as it could have. All of us had different roles and skill sets, which we had tried to apply as best we could to minimize the impact of this event. I will spare the unimportant details, but the long and short of it is the my role was the intelligence gatherer, and I found out what the object of this enemy incursion was. Despite being about a large scale attack across many parts of the in-game space, the main objective for them was a bomb, planted in a playground at a school. I tried to warn people of this, saying "Its a bomb, in the mirror in the playground." But for whatever reason my messages were becoming garbled and what people heard was "In the mirror underground" and no one could make sense of it, so they took it as being spam.
While the thing with the bomb was happening, the guy who was determined to undermine me was dealing with his own problems. He had proper heard my warning and had been trying to make his way to the school to either disarm it or evacuate. Unfortunately, he had run afoul of the bunch of extremely dangerous high-level enemy monsters. They were the weird giant worm-like things that could move shockingly fast, and had minor reality warping powers. Specifically, they had the ability to redirect kinetic weapons fire elsewhere, which was a big problem because that was the main way this dude engaged in combat. The last time he had fought these things, they redirected his bullets into another member of the polycule, and killed them. Vowing to not let that happen again, he instead tries to escape, but it proves very difficult as he has become surrounded. The one merciful thing about these worm enemies is that while they have incredible hearing and absurd reaction speed, they are completely blind. So while he can't find his way free or fight out, as long as he stays calm he isn't in much danger himself.
Eventually though, the time to stop the attack passes and the bomb does end up going off. It is discovered in the aftermath that the reason the placement went undetected was because the explosive being used is a new, novel compound that does not read as an explosive. It is functionally an inert mud in basically all circumstances, but once the catalyst is introduce it becomes a hyper-powerful energetic explosive. To the point that all it took to blow up this whole school was something about the size of a tennis ball. And the very weird thing is, the catalyst is blood. Any kind will work.
Also in the ongoing investigation, there is a secondary site where no lives were lost but has fairly significant structural damage. In winding back the game state to see how bad it actually is, he sees that a player was present at the time of the event. It turns out to be the guy who was trapped by the worms. It seems in his frustration at having not been able to stop the explosion, in the ensuing chaos after he went on a destructive rampage in a place where there were no people present and then used the editing powers granted to high-level players to make it look like it was done by the opposing faction.
When my time alone with my paramour comes to an end, my friend quietly confronts me with the information that the other guys was responsible for the secondary destruction. We are keeping it on the down low not because we place any blame on him, but because we see that this event has enormously effected him and that we want to try and help him work through what he's going through. So we opt to try and organize a group activity for the whole polycule.
While that is happening, the subject of all our affection tries to make good with the dude who is clearly Going Through It and low-key making it everyone's problem. She tries assisting him with other aspects of the game like the TCG and the miniature, but at every juncture, he brushes her off and intimates that he is better off alone. Which obviously is very upsetting to her.
In the meantime however, we have finished our planning for the group excursion. We opt for something simple in just taking a walking tour of an area downtown and sampling the food and drink available at the best places there. As we are are out and about, an incident occurs. In a shared roadway, a dude in a pickup truck doesn't stop for us, and I end up doing pretty intense damage to it to stop it before it hits anyone. In trying to fix up his truck in the aftermath, I end up kind of ham-fistedly apply the high-level editing powers that I have only recently been given access to. I try to restore the surface of the hood of the truck back to what it was, but end up incorporating the surface of the road and the dirt beneath into it's appearance. While my friend shows me more direct ways of utilizing the powers to more useful ends, the troubled guy goes to check on the driver.
It's at this point that this take a turn for the worse. The driver is fully unconscious, which is odd because the truck had been moving very slowly at the time of the accident. In checking his face against records, it turns out that this guys is a known collaborator with the enemy faction and is wanted by the authorities. As this is happening we have opened the hood to see if there was any damage to the engine that we can repair. And we find...nothing. No engine, no battery, nothing that would allow this car to move under it's own power. Just ruptured containers and what looks for all the world like clay soil. We quickly realize that this car was being used to smuggle whatever this substance is, and by hiding it in the engine bay and impelling it through unseen means, cursory searches wouldn't find it. Some kid grabs a chunk of it, and before anyone can stop him, all hell breaks loose.
In handling it and tossing it to himself, it hits a mosquito and it becomes abundantly clear what this stuff is. it explodes with a incredible report, and the whole scene erupts in incredible carnage. Because of how crowded this place had been, the viscera keeps reigniting it, all while the shock of the explosions push the remaining amounts of the stuff all over the place. It has a terrible cascading effect where is seems that there is no safe place to be. Even those off street level in the buildings above are succumbing to secondary and tertiary explosions. I am able to survive the initial blast and try to corral people to stem the tide of violence, but nothing seems to be working. While all this mayhem is going on, I see my love trying to save someone who has broken off from the group. And I see in excruciating detail as a rogue piece of debris catches her in the head and immediately and soundlessly kills her.
At this point I wake up.
#subconscious conversation#long post#I really wish I had an idea why so many of my dreams take on this long-form narrative affect#it would probably be easier to parse as to what my brain was trying to recontextualize if stuff was in smaller more manageable chunks#Like I can get a lot of what my brain is relating to in most circumstances#but in trying to get the correct context I have to also extract a bunch of other ancillary shit or I might miss losing something important#But I can definitely see some aspects of my real life in this#The feeling of powerlessness in trying to fix problems#The inherent complications of trying to maintain an ethical polyamorous relationship#The misapplication of strength or skills that can serve to make problems far worse#and the inherent anxiety that comes with that#This dream was A LOT#not just in terms of violent content#but just in calling out a lot of stuff I've been not so quietly worrying about for a long while#and as is frequently the case recognizing all this shit does precisely fuck all in actually providing solutions
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