#I've been inconsistently struggling with activity for over a year

[yeleltaan]

//Hey everyone! Just wanted to let you know that I'll be going on a short hiatus (roughly a week) to sort out a variety of stuff and get some rest from the platform.

I've been feeling negative lately when it comes to writing, and also not all that comfortable on the blog. On top of that this Spring break isn't much of a break for me between assignments and other personal matters, so I really need to be in a more focused headspace and not let stress get to me.

I won't be around in the dash and I'll likely miss most of what goes on, though if you tag me in something or send me a link I'll be sure to take a look. I'll also still respond to IM's on Tumblr and Discord so by all means feel free to message me for anything, be it plotting or some other kind of chatting!

That is all, I'll see you soon. Take care!

[askthefamous8]

Even if I haven't been very active lately, 9 years is still pretty significant- happy birthday to the blog!

So like Percy up there I'm gonna do so dome reflecting. This blog's where I've often done that for some reason, but here's the tl'dr for blog related stuff.

• I would like to keep drawing stuff but feeling generally unsure in myself, and I'm wondering if all the years of fandom harrassment have caught up with me • I have one big project in mind, I've been dipping my toe into what I'd need to do it. No spoilers but it was one of the first things I played around with this series, so do with that what you will • If I can keep myself drawing, I want to use more of the original source material since I'm struggling with original ideas. So stuff like redraws, hOpEfULlY even animatics, just like what originally got me so into trains yknow? Because that's fun and sparks joy. And that always goes down a treat with you guys so bonus • As always I appreciate you guys not coming after me for being so inconsistent

The rest of this is me doing what Percy's doing in the drawing and reflecting, as there is indeed much 2 think about. It's also a little sad and venty so, there's your warning there.

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Ok so obviously a busy year, we moved into our new house that we actually own, I spent most of the year planning our wedding, and then got married. Big stuff. Also! I came off antidepressants in the summer. I've been on them for...basically as long as this blog, 6 months after I started it I think. Which also means I'd been on antidepressants my entire adult life. Feels like a big deal and I guess I'm still adjusting.

Another big thing, but sad, is that my dog died about two weeks ago. If you follow me on twitter you'll have seen her but she did make an appearance here a few Halloweens ago

I got her when she was 13 and had her 8 years after that. So that's been difficult. Unrelated to that (probably), but I just feel...really mediocre. And before you point out the obvious, this has been present even before I came off antidepressants. But yeah just... mediocrity. In myself as a person, how I look, what I draw, my whole life really (barring my marriage thankfully). What have I achieved? I'm 26, I'm not working, I don't feel well, my art isn't good (I don't think so anyway- like yeah it's technically fine I guess but it's not, and has never been, very stand-out or impressive). And lately art doesn't bring me the same joy it once did, and I'm wondering if all the years of harrassment from this fandom (mostly the twitter side, tumblr's been pretty good to me) has finally caught up with me and put me off the whole thing. Or worse, that I just don't have as much of an interest in it anymore. I don't think I'll ever be like "ok yep I'm officially done with this blog" because I'm so stubborn but idk. I want to make things and be creative, I want to make more train art, but it doesn't feel the same. I don't know what's wrong. What do you listen to? What you want vs what you feel? I still enjoy train stuff, I love going to Awdry Ex every year. It's been like this for awhile. It's not even like I have a strong feeling of what I'd rather be doing as far as careers go. And even if I did, oh yeah I'm sure my two degrees in animation will be very relevant in another field (sarcasm). I feel adrift. My sails are open but there is just no wind. Planning my wedding gave me something to do and work on and just, feel useful but now that that's over I feel lost again. Losing my dog, who had become the center of my life because of how vulnerable she had become, hasn't helped.

On the more creative side of things, I also don't really know what to do with this blog's story either. The show's ended as far as most people are concerned, and I kiiinda wrote myself into a corner because once Thomas turns 18 he's going to leave for university, and that sets off this whole arc with James but basically the problem is it involves characters leaving and for some reason that feels like a no-no here. Don't get me started on the timeline lol. But Thomas works on a railway on Sodor, that's how it has to be...right? I guess I'm sort of at a crossroads of, ok do I want this to be close to the source material, and thus easily digestible to newcombers? Or do I want to make it more and more my thing and distanced from the source material? I doubt there's many new people coming since the series ended. And even then, there's a lot more humanization artists around now than when I started, so it's not like I'm filling a niche anymore. Just to be clear it's fine and also good that there's more humanization artists, variety is good, I just don't feel as "needed" anymore (which is 100% in my head and not an actual role that belongs to me or something). I started this blog when I was 17, so my interests and what I relate to have changed obviously. The character designs certainly have. It's never followed a super rigid story plan, but the core of it has always been the central cast doing things on Sodor. I however have always had a scene/project/animatic/whatEver in mind for when this 'series' would '''officially''' ''''end''''. But then what comes after that? I've always tried to run this blog like they are Real People that You interact with. But in real life there is no ending to the story, there's always more stuff to come. You get married, and it's wonderful, and then life goes on. The credits never roll. So maybe that's what I'm having trouble coping with...the progression of time. Ah, my old nemesis. I've always had trouble with letting go of things. There's nothing to say that I couldn't still draw stuff after the series "ends". I guess any story after Thomas leaves could be like... a sequel series or a spin off or something. Spin-off of a spin-off. Famous 8 All Grown Up. Famous 8 Qurter Life Crisis. Who knows. I certainly don't.

I've also been really into an original project unrelated to this but those don't get as much attention and while I'd like to do something with it one day, I don't feel very confident in being able to make that happen right now. But you know... as far my as art not being super spectacular goes... I think my individual talent has always been is my ideas, like the writing side of things. And then brought to life with my art, which normally isn't anything to write home about but is good enough to convey the idea and be not-awful to look at, lifts both of them beyond what they were individually. Maybe that's what I should focus on. Maybe that's wishful thinking.

So....idk. Idk what I'm doing but I'm trying to be gentle on myself and just let myself continue to drift, to heal from this heavy loss, and then in the New Year I'll try and pick myself up. Then there will be no more big once-in-a-lifetime events coming up, no more just-moved-into-a-house-and-oh-no-there's-a-bunch-of-things-that-need-attention-NOW scenarios, and no more big holidays for awhile. I guess we'll see.

If you read all of this I am so sorry but also thank you for reading my ramblings. And thank you for being around, whether that's been for a few months or for several years, but especially if it's been several years

[gaviicreates]

Sunday Stitchin'

Today I wanted to do a check-in, since I am due in providing an update. It deserves to be more of a WIP Wednesday because I am deep in juggling all of my many projects. Except it's Sunday on my side of the planet, so...

The active WIP count is up to 6, with 2 projects in each of my three crafts.

Tunisian Crochet: 2 Knit: 2 Crochet: 2

Crochet has taken more of a backseat this week. I've got what I am calling my palate cleanser doily in off white. I tend to work on it whenever I am bored with the repetition in my other projects. Since each row is different, the doily works a bit like putting puzzle pieces together. The chevron scarf from my bingo is the other crochet project, and while I have worked on it some this week, I will admit I got annoyed at the weaving in of ends this last round. So even though I finished this section, I haven't been eager to rinse & repeat quite yet.

In the knit world, I've finally started to figure out the magic loop technique. I hadn't shared what I was learning it for - eventually I want to feel comfortable enough to attempt socks again, but for now I was working it with a fingerless mitts pattern with worsted weight yarn. My first pair of mitts I am so pleased with, and they were well worth the initial awkward struggle of magic loop. The variegation in the yarn was spiraling upward until I started increasing around the thumb, so in the end it does look jarringly inconsistent. I love them though. I immediately went out and bought yarn to start some more, as I decided this is going to be the holiday pattern this year. So my current knit projects are two more pairs of the same mitt pattern.

MVP of this week is Tunisian Crochet.

At my LYS knit night, I worked the chevron scarf in Tunisian Crochet which is going to be a gift around the holidays as well. This is the one I had to frog back 11 inches after missing a stitch I didn't notice until later. This past week, I finally worked it back up to where I was before the frogging, so this felt like a huge accomplishment. It currently can drape over my neck, but not wrap, so I still have a bit to go - and I personally like my scarves on the longer end. It's fingering weight, I think I've mentioned before, so by the end this will truly have been a labor of love.

Finally - and pretty spontaneously - yesterday I decided I was going to try to make the Aruba Tunic by Toni at TL Yarn Crafts in preparation for our beach vacation coming up. For clarity, I will be there this time next week, so I went ambitious with my deadline, but I also didn't have a lot of time to plan. The actual trip was also a fairly recent addition to the calendar. I figure, if I don't actually finish beforehand this isn't a bad idea for a vacation project while away.

I'm still going to give it a solid college try.

I drove over to JoAnn's, picked some colors, compared dye lots, repicked colors, and then repicked them again, triple checked dye lots, and I've been working on the first panel of the tunic all last night and today. As of this evening, I'm at row 23/26 of this panel, and then I will be halfway.

I am using the recommended Coboo for this project, and the colors I selected are Denim and Taupe.

[somewitchymusings]

End-of-year witchcraft in the Southern Hemisphere

I've been thinking a lot about how we do end-of-year witchy stuff during the summer. Many of the witchy creators I follow talk so much about winter being this great time to reflect on the year, with the Winter Solstice being this cosy, meditative time for reflection. They then speak to the welcoming of the sun during the solstice, allowing you to dream big for 2024 and set those goals and intentions which get brighter with the sun, etc, etc. Naturally, these kind of descriptions and energies aren't super helpful for me in the Southern Hemisphere. As such, I have been trying to cultivate my reflections and new-year dreamings to move with the unique weather.

I just celebrated the Summer Solstice/Litha. It was sunny, I said prayers to Helios, bought some sun flowers for my home, and did a big spring clean. I feel a big clean before harvest season/Lammas or the "height" of the hot summer makes most sense for my practice. It clears out space for the upcoming year and helps me ground before the busyness of Christmas.

Although that day happened to be sunny, as I write this post a great thunderstorm is rolling in. Living in Naarm/Melbourne (Australia), our weather is pretty inconsistent (yeah the: "melbourne has 6 seasons in 1 day!" comment is pretty true). The Wurrundjeri people and other Kulin nation peoples call this season Garrawang, Kangaroo-Apple Season. It is characterised by changing, thundering weather and long days with short nights. I honestly feel that this chaotic weather suits the "silly season," especially as a queer person when holidays are always that bit trickier. I'm no chaos magician, but I think it would make a lot of sense to harness that in a way that feels good to you. I think this energy is overlooked by trying to fit our experience of weather to the (Celtic, and frequently Americanised) Wheel of the Year - just because it is "summer" really doesn't mean it's all about sunshine magick. Especially in Australia where summers can be a brutal time for many crops.

For me, this shifting weather has been an opportunity to reflect on the previous year of 2023. Not just reminding myself of things I achieved, but things I didn't. Some goals can move into the new year, but many I came to realise were just unrealistic or didn't actually resonate with me and the things that make me happy. I have a tendensy to over-interlectualise my problems - trying to find reasons for not achieving or under-achieving. All of this is, of course, a whole bunch of capitalist brain-rot, but nevertheless the perfectionist in me struggles with the New Year. Instead, I try to reframe and witness that there is a lot that is entirely outside my control. I'll be writing out some of these things on paper, burning them, and blowing them out to the wind for the chaotic weather to take away - a symbolic reminder to go-with-the-flow and that the wheel keeps turning. I don't know about others, but The World and Temperance have been showing up in my readings pretty consistently.

I see this time as very 9 of Wands vibes, like a message of push through: there's more goodness to come! (i.e. the wands court cards, and the harvest season/Lammas/the height of summer). But also, there will there be much change, and change is good (i.e. New Years, this thundering weather, how Autumn proceeds summer). Feels appropriate that the 10 of wands - a card of carrying too many burdens - proceeds this. We then get that lovely playful page of wands, keen to explore and create. End-of-year reflection, to me in the Southern Hemisphere, is not so much a cosy, introspective time; but instead a fiery, chaotic, energetic time. I have to actively cultivate calm moments, because everything else is shifting. And as everything shifts, I'm finding ways to go-with-the-flow and shift with it - honoring what I can't control.

[heath-is-wealth]

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[caatws]

Your comment about Gamora's death in comparison to Natasha has been on my mind lately too. I wasn't in love with how they initially handled it with Natasha, but I think eventually she got more closure than Gamora received in vol 3.

I don't know what direction they were going for but how do you have a prominent character in a team film die and only two other characters speak about it, worry over it and have any grief displayed. That's ludicrous to me. Even if you set the film a couple years later you can still have one or two emotional team conversations about it. You could have at least one more person struggling in a different way. The guardians being depicted as a family only makes the problem more obvious. Either everyone but Peter and Nebula are the worst family members ever or the writing sucks. When Gamora shows back up you would think there would be emotional fallout even years later. Only Peter seems to be aware or have any response besides Nebula who has been interacting with Gamora and maintaining their relationship. You would think this was a common every day occurrence for most of them.

The same issue effects Gamora's characterization and arc. Endgame showed her to be exactly like the Gamora from the first guardians movie if memory serves me right. We see she can be tough and harsh at times. But she can also show empathy, vulnerability and the will to do the right thing. Vol 3 acts as if none of this is part of her character anymore at first just because of living with the ravagers. I would buy that if not for the fact that there's no way everything that's made her who she is from years before would suddenly be gone and we already know from Kraglin and Yondu that ravagers don't lack the ability to care. You're telling me Gamora went from emotional and in tears about Thanos winning in the future during Endgame and wanting to stop him, to not wanting to even remotely help with the High Evolutionary at first in vol 3. That's so inconsistent it's like they forgot her characterization. Also Nebula was getting on Gamora for some of her actions as if she has room to talk. She wanted to blow up all of Zandar in the first movie and she was ready to leave people behind in vol 2. Did they forgot how Nebula behaved in previous films because pot meet kettle.

I haven't seen any of James Gunn's other films so I don't want to judge him too harshly but either he doesn't know how to write women in complex traumatic situations or he thought what he did was enough which is sad. He showed an afterlife in the film so couldn't he show Gamora at peace or have the Gamora who came to the future explore her feelings around it and bring closure that way.

i totally feel you anon. i've been a hater of natasha's ending this whole time as well, but now seeing how gamora's ending has been depicted (or rly a lack thereof lol) it's weirdly making me feel almost at peace with nat's death. bc it's like oh wow it could've been handled so much worse lol.

with nat my biggest problems were the fridging, her arc ending before she got to do more/have her own story, and her not getting a funeral with tony...truly just minor inconveniences now in comparison to what's happening over in gamora land lmfao

and yeah, i was honestly pretty surprised how much rougher around the edges this gamora seemed. like yeah the ravagers are pretty rough and tumble themselves but it caught me off-guard how much colder it seemed to make gamora, for lack of a better word i guess?? i don't doubt her being really harsh and terrifying in the past under thanos like nebula was saying, but yeah 2014!gamora is still the gamora who was like on the brink of betraying thanos. like even if this gamora hadn't gone through most of vol 1, she's still the gamora who already had one foot out the door so she could stop thanos bc she cared abt innocent lives, so it was a tad surprising to see her act so coldly toward the rest of the gotg or even rocket who was actively dying and would clearly be sorely missed by the others. like not super surprising or even super ooc to me, but just kinda surprising considering her appearance in endgame

like her cold shoulder toward peter i can get, bc it's clear that his baggage with original gamora is hurtful to her and i think that's more than fair. but since the narrative also establishes that peter is seemingly the only gotg character to even have this baggage at all, since the others don't even so much as mention missing or grieving original gamora, idk if she'd need to be such a hater toward them too lol.

and honestly i think her characterization would've made a lot more sense if the narrative had actually included the rest of the gotg's grief for original gamora and sorrow that this gamora isn't her. like, if not being the gamora this world expects her to be has been weighing down on gamora for years, i could see her rly becoming like this, cuz that's a whole lotta pressure she's never gonna live up to! that would be a great character conflict for her. but by erasing original gamora from the narrative outside of peter's grief, we can't even rly justify this gamora's behavior through this issue either

the only other gunn project i've watched is the suicide squad and i don't remember much of my thoughts on it besides generally enjoying it. but i think callie @starmora put it best yesterday when they said that gunn's always had favorites and gamora's never rly been one of them, especially compared to rocket, who gunn has been outspoken about seeing himself in most and being the hidden protagonist of sorts throughout the gotg franchise (to the point that even in the movie, lylla straight up tells rocket, "this story has been yours all along"), so it's unfortunately not surprising that gamora's arc has been...whatever this is. and like, idc that gunn's favorite is rocket bc that's fine and rocket's had a pretty solid story/arc (though i feel like there's something missing between iw when he lied abt being captain of the ship to impress thor to vol 3 where peter decides to make him captain, especially after rocket spent the entire film incapacitated), but it just sucks that it meant there wasn't much wiggle room to deal with the gamora situation

and also i 1000% agree - WE SHOULD'VE GOTTEN AN ORIGINAL GAMORA POST-END CREDIT SCENE!!!! i would've loved to see her like watching everyone dance to dog days are over or something from the afterlife and just kinda feeling satisfied with everything, despite the way things ended for her

[threeeyesstudio]

Adhd Artists Have Lists Of Forgotten Projects

You know you're an artist with ADHD when you have lists of neglected projects...

Over the last couple of months, I've been slowly adding to a list of all the places where I sell my work online. And I realized this list is kind of long, and I've neglected every single one of these. I honestly forgot they existed until I was reminded.

Etsy Shop

Creative Market Store

Spoonflower Store

A Shelf I Codesigned with CoFo

A Society6 Shop

And to add to that, these are just the places that are active RIGHT NOW and don't include all the online shops I have closed over the years. (I've had a Redbubble shop, a Fine Art America store, a StoreEnvy shop... and those are the ones I remember) Or the social media platforms I've given up on.

Being able to see this lack of consistency in myself is really frustrating, mostly because the underlying goal has stayed the same: To make art and to find a way to share it.

And when I think back on this, it’s always the same pattern. I’ll start something and be really excited about it. I think to myself "Ive finally figured it out! This is how Ill share my work with the world!" I’ll pour my whole heart into it. I may or may not have some success at it. But inevitably a point will come when I think I've either failed at it (like not making enough sales) or I hit a roadblock that makes it harder to work on it (like having to work a full-time job) and I feel completely dejected and hopeless and think "I will never be good at this!" and I close the shop, or stop posting about it, or otherwise give up. Some time will pass, and I will again have some free time and Ill do It all over again, but I won’t go back to build on what I've already done. No, no. I will do the harder thing and start something completely new. And repeat the whole thing again until another roadblock.

Even though I consistently want the same thing, I’ll pursue it inconsistently.

Even as I write this I feel frustration at myself. "Why couldn't I have just stuck to one thing!? I could be so much farther now!"

I'm in my late 30's and finally have a diagnosis and treatment for ADHD. I wish it had happened in my childhood. I wish I could have known why I struggled so much, even with the things that I love to do. And I wish I could have had some tools and support to make my goals more accessible. But there is nothing I can do about the past. I am glad to have this knowledge now.

Now I am able to step back a little and see that there is an underlying consistent goal, and that there is a way forward. I need to build a structure for myself to follow each creative interest as it comes. A place to gather everything together. I think this will be my website. Though I really don't know the specifics of how Ill do it.

Most importantly I want to stop thinking of each of those shops as individual failures, but instead see the underlying goal. And support myself in accomplishing it. I hope you do the same for yourself.

Do you have any long-term goals that you pursue in a haphazard manner? Share that with me.

[infiniteanalemma]

So, I said I'd do a NaNo 2023 retrospective on the things I've learned over the past month. Here this bad boy is. It took me a little longer than expected, because it's a long, long post. (Y'all know I can't help but write an essay for every little thing!) Admittedly, it's somewhat self-indulgent, but it (hopefully) has some useful information about writing strategies. As per my usual policy, under the cut so it doesn't clog anyone's dash.

Okay, so, to start ... I've been doing NaNoWriMo since 2016, but this is only my second time winning. I also won last year's NaNo, using the same project. I don't want to get too deep into what the project is, as I don't want to kill my forward movement by talking about it before I'm far enough along to get feedback. What I'll say is that it's a visual novel/game script, and I already had a pretty good chunk of content before I used it as my NaNo project.

I'll get more into why that is important later, but for now, I'll just say that I've been writing for a long time and have a long trail of unfinished projects stretched out behind me.

First, though, let me just start with some background information, to lay the foundation of some of both the problems and solutions I've discovered. If you don't care about the background stuff, and are just interested in potential strategies, look for the ** down below.

Okay, I can reasonably say that this November was a whole mess, as per usual. It seems like something insane happens to me every November, and this year was no exception in that regard. Even so, I managed to write every single day of the month except one, which was the day I wound up in the ER. Long story short, my doctor had me try out a new medicine this month and I had a bad reaction to it. (I'm fine, for the record. It took about a week to get out of my system, but I'm okay now.) That one day aside, I wrote every day and on most days, managed to write more than my necessary minimum.

Personally, I'm really proud of myself for pulling that off. As someone with Attention Deficit Disorder (inattentive variant, not hyperactive), it's remarkably difficult for me to form habits and stick with them. I have a huge problem with sticking to something every day, and there's a tendency for me to quit doing something completely if I miss even one day.

I'm also really bad about rewarding myself for success, and I don't get that natural hit of dopamine for finishing my tasks. (Thanks, brain!) This means that even when I succeed, it's hard for me to even appreciate it. Between that and my executive dysfunction, it's hard to stick to doing anything consistently for 30 days. I've had to figure out ways to make myself acknowledge and reward myself for reaching my goals, something I've struggled with for a long time.

Now, part of the problems I've had in the past with completing NaNo was that, in addition to having crazy things happen during November, I've never really had much support in my writing endeavors. I was surrounded by people who thought writing was a waste of time, and didn't understand (or, frankly, care to understand) why I wanted to do it.

As someone who both writes and creates visual art, it's hard to create when people discourage you from creating unless you're actively making money on it. Now, these people weren't trying to be malicious. On the contrary, they were trying to be helpful. They just see things like writing and art as fanciful and unnecessary, a distraction from real things that you should be doing instead. This seems to be a common problem for creatives. Believe me, I've tried relating it back to their hobbies and how they enjoy spending time on doing those things without financial compensation, but somehow my writing and art are different to them.

After a while, I quit trying to explain it to them and attempted to do all my work in (effectively) secret. Combine that with my other problems, and what you get is inconsistent output that lasts only as long as I could force myself to keep going only for myself. As you might imagine, that typically didn't work out well. If I gave up on a project, no one knew except for me, and no one cared except me. Hence, several dead projects and WIPs. It did not help to have other people encouraging me to stop writing and try it next year, only for the same thing to happen again that next year of telling me to quit and put it off again for another year.

Fast forward to last year.

It was a bad year for me in a lot of respects, but somehow, I managed to win NaNo for the first time ever. How did I manage that? It was a combination of things, honestly, but I think it boils down to three main reasons: one, instead of a new project (like I'd tried in previous years), I started NaNo on a project I'd already been working on for quite a while, something which already had a decent chunk of words. (This is the game I mentioned before.) Two, I allowed myself to "cheat" my word count by including things that were related but not directly in the manuscript (working on background lore, codex entries, and such). And three, I told a small handful of others about it who weren't in my well-meaning-but-discouraging immediate circle.

I still did my writing largely "in secret," as I didn't confide in those few other people the idea of what I was doing, only that it was "a writing thing" and explained the concept of NaNo to them. Still, having others know I was trying to reach a word count and being supportive instead of critical did wonders for having me hold myself accountable for not skipping days. Maybe that seems like common sense, but I was so used to having to hide what I was doing or be met with concerned disapproval or condescending amusement at my "fancy" that it was a whole sort of whiplash to meet people who simply thought it was incredible that I could write so many words.

Plus, by allowing myself to "cheat," I did an end-run around my perfectionism, which tells me that if I don't do the task exactly right, I shouldn't even bother to do it at all. Perfectionism (at least for me) isn't just the enemy that tells me every word has to be perfect, but also that the way I do it also has to be perfect. I "cheated" a fair bit that November, and it was incredibly freeing.

This NaNo, I decided to springboard off of last year's revelations. If merely telling others helped me hold myself accountable for my days, this year I decided I would do at least one in-person write-in and meet with other NaNo-ers. (Is that the word? What do we even call ourselves? Oh, it's WriMos, isn't it? ... Honestly, that word doesn't look much better.) I also gave myself permission again to "cheat", and while I did end up doing it one time, I actually didn't really need to this go-round. Merely knowing that I could do it was enough that it took the pressure off for having to get it perfect.

But that wasn't enough. I decided I'd try to push myself even more this go around. (Yes, I know ... some of you can possibly feel the hubris rearing its head, the pride awaiting the fall. We're getting there.) I decided I'd try out a whole bunch of strategies I'd heard or considered, but not yet given a go.

This is where it becomes somewhat relevant that I'd recently been put on a new medication. Unbeknownst to me at the time, the medicine contained a fairly powerful stimulant that is commonly used for weight loss. (That's not why I was taking it, but that information is relevant for what comes next.)

For the first time in a long time, I was feeling good. I had more energy than I'd had in years, along with a brand new ability to focus. On one particular day in my first week, I knocked out over 3,000 words. I was pretty consistently hitting above par, racking up my word count. I was getting those words in, buddy. Things were going amazingly well. It was not to last, however.

Warning: medical stuff ahead, for those who'd like to skip it!

To its credit, the medicine worked. It accomplished what it was supposed to do, which was to help my body use the energy I had and not feel so lethargic, and increase my focus. Unfortunately, it also did some things it really didn't need to do to my body alongside that. I realized in short order that I was having side effects from the medicine, and quit taking it as soon as I realized. 

I am an inherently stubborn person when I want to be, though, so I suffered for three days before having someone take me to the ER. Even then, I didn't want to go because I had convinced myself there was nothing they were going to be able to do except tell me I had to wait for the medicine to work out of my system. I told myself I could sit and suffer at home just as well as I could sit and suffer at the ER. It took my doctor telling me to go before I reluctantly gave in.

It's a good thing I did, though, as among its other side effects, the medicine left me severely dehydrated even after the copious amounts of water I'd been drinking. My veins were so shriveled up that even one of the hospital's phlebotomists couldn't find a vein in my elbow or wrist to put my IV in, so they ended up sticking it in my bicep. I was partially correct that they couldn't do anything to get the medicine out of my system any faster, but they did make sure I was at least somewhat hydrated before they let me go.

Okay, hospital stuff over!

After I went home, my body had to crash out and recover. I had to go the rest of November without that extra pep, while also recovering from the side effects. That put me at a low, while trying to keep up writing. I'd built myself a nice little buffer at the beginning of the month, but my jaunt to the ER ate a decent-sized chunk out of it.

Here's where those strategies came into play. I'd discovered a few things I felt were helpful, but I'd been pumped full of energy when I started. Now that I was working from a deficit, the true effectiveness of those strategies would show themselves. Would they still work when I was struggling to accomplish anything, or was my ease at writing purely from the stimulant?

** Here's the list of strategies that ended up sticking with me through the month:

Music - I've tried writing with music before, but I always felt it was a distraction. However, this time around, I tried writing to video game soundtracks -- and this actually worked for me. I think part of the reason it worked for me is that most music in video games doesn't have lyrics, and I think lyrics are a large part of why other music distracts me. However, listening to classical or modern classical music didn't work well to me, either. I think what made the soundtracks work for me is that I largely used music from games that I've played: as a gamer, I've been essentially conditioned to focus on in-game tasks while those tracks play on loop. That translates into writing without becoming distracted. Notably, it doesn't work with video game tracks from games I haven't played. Familiarity seems key, at least for me. This might not work for everyone, but it might work for other gamers.

Writing Sprints - I've also tried these before, and they didn't seem to work in the past. However, I think what made them work this time is a combination of two things: shorter lengths, and consistent rewards. My ideal sprint time seems to be between 10 and 20 minutes. Longer sprints become tiresome, and my attention starts to drift. Shorter sprints make me feel pressured as I try to think what to write, which causes a sort of mini-writer's block. 10 to 20 minutes seems to be my golden mean; long enough to think without feeling the pressure of the countdown, short enough not to strain my focus. Then, regardless of words written, the sprint is followed by a break with a reward. My word counts during these little sprints tend to be somewhat small, usually between 50 to 200 words at a pop, but those add up. Anything that adds words to the count works.

In-person writing events - I'm an extreme introvert, so I don't think I could do a daily or even weekly meet-up, at least not consistently. That said, I do think this helped motivate me. Sometimes it's a struggle for me to socialize, so an in-person event was an excuse to get out of the house and be around people. At the same time, the goal wasn't to have to interact, but for each of us to focus on our writing -- a "social" event, but one where each of us doing our own thing. Plus, everyone at our write-in was very nice, and also pretty small-scale. It might have been a whole different story if I'd shown up and there were a hundred people there. Ours ranged from three to about seven people. Small, low-key, informal -- and with snacks! That worked for me tremendously well.

4thewords - Now, I'm 100% committed to this one yet, as I didn't start it until over halfway through November, but so far, it seems to be working pretty well. I actually found this one in NaNo's resources. Basically, it's a RPG-like "game" where you fight monsters by doing timed writing sprints. I actually wrote this post in 4thewords. You can line up a row of monsters of your choice to "fight" in an uninterrupted stream. As of typing this right now, I'm "battling" a monster called a Kai, which has a 75 word count with a 10 minute timer. Different monsters have different word counts and time limits. As soon as you defeat a monster, it goes on to the next one in your queue until you've reached the end of the total word count. When you win, you get experience and items, which can be used for future battles and/or to customize your in-game avatar. I haven't delved deep into the more gamey aspects yet. There's in-game story lore, quests to complete, and different locations to visit. It also counts your daily writing streak, but only gives you credit for your streak if you've written at least 444 words. I know there are other timed sprint apps out there, but this one does have a whole host of features, all of which are optional. You aren't in any way punished if you break your streak, for example, and there are in-game items you can use to "repair" a broken streak if that's something that bothers you. I don't know for sure that it's something I'll stick with long term, but it does seem to be working for the moment. It is paid, though. There's a 30 day free trial, which I'm still in, and a $4 monthly membership.

Small Rewards - As I mentioned above in Writing Sprints, I made sure to reward myself for meeting my goals, whether it was reaching my daily word count or finishing a sprint. I'm bad about not keeping track of my successes, let alone reward myself for them. As a side effect, it can be hard to see the progress I make. For me, it's easy to only look at the big goals and try to come up with a reward that matches that, but that has historically never worked for me. Forcing myself to stop and acknowledge small successes has been very helpful. I've experimented with a few different types of reward. The small, consistent rewards seem to work better -- giving myself a short dose of social media/discord time for finishing a sprint, looking at video game stuff (new games I'd like to try, game mods, etc.), a little snack for hitting a thousand words. I'm trying to be careful about using food as a reward, especially sweets, because that can be a bad habit to get into. Still, it does seem work pretty well.

"Cheats" - Last year's NaNo, I gave myself permission to cheat a little, and as I said, that helped take a lot of that perfectionism pressure off. So this year, I decided to sort of bake that into my writing strategy. It doesn't have to be perfect. I know that. I've heard so many writing advice gurus talk again and again about "shitty first drafts" and I acknowledge what they say makes sense. (For everyone except me, my brain says.) My "cheats" are really just another way of doing that. I made liberal use of my *Unfinished* tag, allowing myself to skip over things that I just didn't feel like writing and move on. I gave myself permission to leave things "ugly" and repetitive. I allowed myself to just strike out things I was no longer happy with and rewrite it, while still letting that old stuff count as words written. (After all, I did write it. Why shouldn't I give myself credit for it and let it go toward my word count?) Sure, this made my manuscript look ugly, but by doing that intentionally, I managed to sort of shut down the part of my brain that criticizes me for not being "good" enough. I did it on purpose, brain. It's supposed to look that way, so shut it and let me get back to work. And it did.

There are a few other things I'm still on the fence about. I'll keep giving those a try and see how it works for me. In the meanwhile, here's some things that didn't work for me (and why they didn't work for me), but others may find useful:

Scrivener - Wait! Don't pick up your pitchfork just yet! I love Scrivener, and I use it all the time. It's super helpful for me, but -- and here's the key part -- not for writing in. It's a great little tool for planning, background lore, keeping track of important details ... just not so great for me at being a manuscript. If you're on the fence about buying it, I do recommend it. It's got a bunch of useful features, and it makes for a great story bible. But as both a "traditional" story writer and a budding game dev, I don't recommend it as a word processor.

Music - I mentioned music in my strategies that worked, but I'm also putting it here, because I tried new musical things that didn't work, too. I already mentioned lyrics and unfamiliar instrumentals in the previous bit, but another thing I noticed didn't work well for me were instrumental covers of popular songs. I found them in a lot of "study focus" type playlists and gave it a go. While I do find some of them pretty relaxing to listen to, I think the main reason they didn't work for me is that I recognized the songs and still wound up "singing along" with where I knew the lyrics were supposed to be. Apparently, my brain latches on to that familiarity and becomes distracted in the same way songs with lyrics distract me. If you have a similar brand of neuro-spiciness, this may not be the way to go for you either.

Ambient Chaos and white noise generators - Ambient Chaos is such a cool app, and I really wish it had worked for me. To give a little explanation, it's basically a sound mixer for random background noises, each with its own volume slider. Some are ones you might expect, like rain, waves or a coffee shop. Some are weird: beehive, zombie invasion, nuclear siren, alien ship. Others seem pretty counterproductive, like couple arguing, fireworks, marching band or construction site. Still, you can mix and match as you like, and some combinations are actually pretty pleasing to listen to. Like the study focus music, I found both Ambient Chaos and some white noise videos very relaxing, but on this one I'm not entirely sure why it didn't work for me. Maybe it's because I don't really like repetitive noise, but it wound up making me blank out when I was trying to think about what to write next. I guess white noise fills up the space in my brain? Who knows. Sometimes the brain just says no.

"Big" Rewards - This is probably going to seem counterintuitive, but in addition to smaller rewards for meeting smaller goals, I tried to give myself bigger rewards for bigger accomplishments. Going out to dinner for writing a certain number of days in a row, buying something I didn't really need but wanted as a treat, that sort of thing. And while I really enjoyed those things, I don't feel like they did much to actually motivate me. Again, this may be the Attention Deficit problem rearing its ugly head once more, but my sense is that those things aren't immediate enough to trigger that reward "conditioning". The smaller rewards were things I could do right away -- immediate gratification. The bigger things took a little more time to set up, and in that time, the effect was lost on me. I still knew why I did it, but that didn't make me want to do it again to any appreciable degree. It didn't hurt, mind you. It just wasn't effective. My motivation level was the same as it had been before the reward, and the monetary cost wasn't really worth it to be a viable system to continue using to motivate myself.

As always, I don't think any of the strategies that didn't work are actually bad, for what it's worth. They just didn't work for me.

If there's anything I've learned in my now years of writing, it's that writing isn't so different from the other skills we have to hone with time. When we first start out, we try all kinds of things, hoping there's some magic method or tool that will make everything work. Unfortunately, the one and only method that works above all others is doing the thing, repeatedly. Everything else is just polishing and refining that. In one way, that sucks because it never really feels much easier. In another, it's sort of reassuring that, if you keep at it, you will get better.

Anyway, this is probably long enough. It's late here, and I'm tired. This post was as much for my own benefit as anyone else, as it helps me to write things out so I can really examine it, but I do hope it proves helpful to someone out there.

[perimint]

Video Games I've Played Recently

In between my seasonal work and the holidays I've been playing a lot of games and I want to put my thoughts on them somewhere

Cyberpunk 2077 I had absolutely no idea why this game was as hyped up as it was, so I went in with next to 0 expectations after waiting about a year since its initial release.

Cyberpunk is a very good game. Every approach you can take to building your character feels viable, the story is interesting (if a little bit inconsistent in its pacing), and actually sitting down and playing the game feels excellent. The only thing I found subpar are the driving controls, which end up with your vehicle slip-sliding all over the road.

I assume that most of the major bugs and glitches have been fixed since I didn't encounter anything that completely ruined the game. Some weirdness with character models and mission objectives happened to me, but those aren't huge problems.

Five Nights at Freddy's: Security Breach

If this game had gotten some more development time, it would be pretty good. As it stands now though, it's a buggy mess that runs poorly (even after a couple of patches) and its filesize is bloated beyond belief (80 gb for a linear game is mortifying).

Inherent to it being a horror game is being sent back to the last checkpoint when you die, and the save stations being few and far between. I didn't end up finishing the game because of this. Playing the same part over and over is tiring.

Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy

This one was a huge surprise. The earlier Avengers game from Crystal Dynamics/Square Enix was a disappointment to say the least, and I didn't have high hopes for this game either. Still, the Steam reviews are Overwhelmingly Positive, and after playing the game it's easy to see why.

Taking heavy influence from the movies of the past few years, the Guardians game keeps up a familiar team of characters and puts them in a truly engaging story punctuated by a soundtrack of classic songs that most people will be familiar with.

You only directly control Star-Lord during the game but can activate abilities that the other Guardians have in order to progress and battle enemies. In addition, Star-Lord has his own set of abilities which lend themselves nicely to making the player feel powerful without having any real superpowers.

Even if you aren't a fan of the Marvel movies or superheroes in general, if you enjoy fun games with memorable characters and stories, play this game at the first chance you get.

Forza Horizon 5

Horizon 5 is a bit of a mixed bag. It is essentially Horizon 4 with a fresh coat of paint and an impressive new map. Early issues with crashes and graphical issues are mostly taken care of, but a lot of other bugs and glitches still exist. As well, Playground Games seemingly didn't learn from player feedback from Horizon 4, as most of the "dirt" races still take place primarily on pavement and there aren't any proper race tracks like there were in the Lego DLC for 4.

If you enjoy mildly realistic racing games you'll likely find enjoyment here.

Life is Strange: True Colors

This is the big one. It's been a long while since I've finished a game and had it hang around in my head afterwards. I can look back at Guardians of the Galaxy or Cyberpunk and say "yeah, those were fun" but neither of them hit me in quite the same way as this game.

The story is excellent, which is good since it's the primary (and dare I say only) focus of the game. Learning about the characters and their struggles while pursuing the main mystery of the game is interesting, and by the time you're nearing the end, you're attached to the characters and want to see more of them.

It does fall victim to the Telltale-esque structure of having 5 chapters, similar to earlier entries in the series. I could easily see this game having an extra chapter or two just to slow things down a touch, but the pandemic probably prevented any big changes in development from happening.

[agwitow]

#19? As an aspiring writer for the better part of 5-7 years, I've scrapped an unbelievable amount of stories(that with a better writer could stand a chance) due to my inability to stay motivated, or even come up with proper ideas.

Hey @timid-izzy, thanks for the question!

Sorry that it’s taken me a couple of days to answer this. I’ve been away (am still away, tbh) from home, so it has been a little difficult to find a moment to sit down and answer this.

Okay, so, you want to know how I keep myself motivated.

Whoo boy…

Motivation is definitely something I struggle with. Before I get into my personal tricks, I’m going to list some of the things that interfere with it.

Depression and anxiety 

Chronic illness and fatigue 

Emotionally draining and stressful job

4-8+ hours per week volunteer commitment 

Family obligations 

The need/desire to read, play video games, and/or watch TV

Okay, now I bet you’re wondering why I listed those. What does it matter that I do volunteer work, or have a stressful job?

Well, because everyone has a list like this of things that sap their motivation. It’s normal, and even if it’s frustrating, you shouldn’t berate yourself because there are health, or life, or other things taking their pound of flesh out of your writing. In my experience, the only times I’ve been able to dedicate a specific amount of time every day (like so much writing advice says you should) is when I’ve been off work (and on worker’s comp) due to injuries. Otherwise, I fit it in where I can.Sometimes I go weeks without writing a single word (or doing any other writing activity). But mostly I try to do roughly 30 minutes every other day. If i can do more frequently, or longer, then great!

Some people find things like #365k365day help keep them accountable. Personally, I find they just make me feel guilty about how inconsistent my writing habits are. Others like to use things like the Writometer app, or Forest, or any number of different productivity apps. Some people are able to set themselves deadlines and use that to motivate themselves. If any of those work for you, then awesome! If not, no worries. 

Right, okay, so how do I motivate myself?

There are a couple of different things I do.

Talk to people about my work. It either makes me excited to get back to it, or makes me feel guilty that I haven’t written much lately (and thus prompts me to get some work done)

Reading. When I enjoy a book, it makes me want to write. Also, sometimes reading over some of my old work can inspire the same things.

Work on something story adjacent. World building (my favourite), cover design, research, designing swag, etc. While these can be sources of procrastination, they can also help refuel the motivation tank when its empty

And when all else fails, I just sit down and stare at that stupid blinking cursor until I write something. Anything. There have been days where I literally only write 30-some words. But I generally find that the writing days following are more productive. And even if they’re not, at least I added 30-some words (which is infinitely better than zero words).

Motivation is a tricky beast, and the more I write, the more I find that determination and stubbornness serve me better. Especially given how rarely I actually feel motivated of late.

Hope that helps you find a new way or two to deal with any motivation issues you’re having!

As for the second issue you mentioned--not feeling like you can come up with good ideas...Well...what is and isn’t ‘good’ is entirely subjective. So my only advice in that regard is to just ignore whether you think an idea is good or not. Write it anyway. Make the decision after you’ve finished, whether or not it’s worth refining. Until then, just keep writing, and improving, and growing as a writer.

Thanks for asking, and best if luck with your stories :)

[decklandsseeds]

Hypochondria

Hi. My name is Dixie and I'm a hypochondriac.

Things haven't always been that bad with hypochondria, but it's gotten so much worse in the past year. I convinced myself I was pregnant, because the birth control I use tricks the body into thinking so. I've had several pregnancy tests that all came up negative, but between the constant worry and other mental disorders, it caused me to develop anorexia. Now that I'm no longer fixated on being pregnant, I'm convinced I have diabetes. However, I have been tested for that, too and it also came out negative. Yes, I've checked my thyroid, white blood cell count, STD'S (STI's? You get the gist), and a multitude of other things. Everything has come out normal (good job body!). Even though I've been tested, my bad eating habits and lack of sanity has triggered anxiety attacks during puking episodes after drinking very little alcohol. It's caused me to pretty much cut sugar out of my diet and eat an unbalanced diet out of fear and denial. I use the word denial for lack of a better one. I'm aware I have hypochondria, so I have to try to convince my subconscious/over active mind that I DON'T have diabetes while it's telling me I DO. Because of this unfortunate game of chasing my own tail, the sensation of denial over having such a serious condition, has technically made me more susceptible.

If you don't know anything about type two diabetes:

Your pancreas naturally produces insulin to process sugars (glucose to be specific). If there is a major inconsistency in your sugar intake on a day to day basis over a long period of time, your body confuses or overwhelms itself to the point of no longer producing the proper amount. A common misconception of diabetes is that it only happens to people who are overweight. This is not true. Anyone who has bad eating habits, an inconsistency of sugar in take, or even a history of type two diabetes in the family (my aunt and grandmother on my mother's side and my grandfather on my father's) is at risk. However, even if you're a hypochondriac like me, you don't have any need to worry (hopefully- please go to the doctor if you feel like you might have it, it's better to be safe than sorry no matter how paranoid you are). It's actually really hard to get type two, because of how resilient the body is to changing conditions. We weren't always well fed American's with the highest obesity rates in the world and our bodies are very much aware of that.

This also brings me to another struggle of being a hypochondriac. I love the medical field and even considered becoming a doctor or EMT for quite some time. I know a lot about how the body works and I also know a lot about diseases, disorders, illnesses, etc. Meaning I can dig myself as deep of a hole as I could possibly make out of pure knowledge. People who are able to go about their lives without worrying they're dying, or could go into diabetic shock if they drink too much soda (ridiculous, right?) are usually also joyfully unaware of statistics and probabilities. Yes, there might only have been a total of 4 people in the United States who contacted Ebola during the most recent out break, but that's still 4 people. Instead of being okay with the fact that there are millions of people who live in the same country, I'm fixated on there being a number higher than 1 out of 350 million and therefore worry about becoming number 5.

So why am I making this long post out of something that only effects about 200,000 Americans a year? Because I'm one of 200,000 and I know there are others on here going through the same thing. If I'm able to make a post about something that makes my every day life harder and have someone relate and know they're not alone, it makes me feel better about what I'm going through. Anyone reading this also needs to remember that this is my journey and everyone experiences things differently. I suggest going to the doctor about once every 3-6 months, or when whatever it is you're fixated on causes an actual health concern. On top of going to the doctor, going to a therapist could in fact be very beneficial. I have chosen the route of self help, though It's soooooooo much harder than talking to a professional, but it has made me a lot more aware of myself mentally and physically than it has before. My hypochodria has been part of my life for a long time and choosing not to go to a professional about it has caused the healing process to go through major ups and downs.

If you made it this far, thank you, it means a lot to me. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask. If you are going through any sort of mental health concern, I'm always a shoulder to vent to or cry on. However, I will always suggest going to a professional. I've been to them in the past and it wasn't right for me, but that's a story for another time.

Have a wonderful day