#I've been in so much fucking physical pain

[prevailinghatred]

"Oh, fuck you." The words slip out before Megatron has enough presence of mind to stop himself, and they linger there in the silence between them like a physical wall.

He stared at him for a long moment then, spark racing and aching in its chamber as he turned over the Prime's pretty little confession. It's been a long time since he's felt this off-balance, so much so he'd devolved into cursing and less artful phrasing. Dropping the pretense of upper-caste affect that he'd so carefully cultivated all these years. But no amount of practice speaking, nor schooling of his manners, could have prepared him for a conversation like this; a subject he'd avoided for millennia, and felt certain the other would avoid too.

This is the most hurt he's ever been in front of Optimus, even more than the times he's been nearly offlined in front of him — in physical agony, bleeding out, staring death in the face. That pain hardly compared to this — the way his Spark felt ripped from him now, squeezed and pulled to its limits.

He roughly wiped a servo across his optics, feeling with dismay that the motion streaked lubricant — cold and traitorous — on his face. Letting the other know in unmistakable terms what he'd done.

"FUCK you," he repeated himself, sounding more sure now. He's practically snarling the words, with how much he means them.

" ' I'm sorry? ' That's all you have to say to me, to attempt to atone for the ten million years I've carried this burden of truth? This shame for — for thinking that I had. Violated you?? When you weren't yourself??"

He can't bring himself to say the word 'rape'. It's too sensitive a subject for him, and it's hard enough to say the word he'd chosen instead, knowing what was actually meant.

"When you didn't say that to me again after your heat... when you didn't reach for me again in another context... I thought you were ashamed of me. I thought I had taken something from you, that you weren't ready to give — least of all to me. I thought that I wasn't enough for you. That you were disgusted to recall how I had. Done that. To you. To recall how I had... taken advantage of you."

His vents are coming in short little gasps, no matter how hard he tried to wrest back his composure. It's hard to look him in the optic now, and he can only manage it for a few seconds before he has to wrest his gaze away, looking anywhere else. At the other's hand pressed to his spark. At his lips — or where they would be, if the Prime had his battlemask down. At his Autobot insignia. And back again.

It hurts to look at Optimus now, like he's a burning sun in the darkest night — beautiful and painful in the same breath.

He hung his helm.

"Why?" His voice is low. Ragged. "Why didn't you say it again? Why did we never interface again? Was it — were you ashamed of me? Did I take advantage of you? Please tell me, so I can finally lay this matter to rest, which has haunted me for so many years."

surprise  briefly  colors  his  field  &  widens  his  optics.     how ... how is it that megatron is unaware?     had orion not spelled it out plainly before all of this——?     had his actions not spoken of it?     orion hadn't  needed  to intervene when the senate had put its proverbial spotlight onto megatronus to hear him out,  but he had ... not out of pity or duty,  but out of  love.

his spark throbs.     a servo rises to cover the seam between his windshield panels,  digits pressing into the crysteel a little as if to distract himself from the ache behind them.

"  ... you ... did not know?  "

the prime shifts awkwardly on his pedes,  not daring to invade megatron's space now that he'd stepped back :   this surely must be overwhelming for him,  especially if it's overwhelming for optimus himself.     his spark is  racing  behind his chestplate,  rattling the matrix enough that he can tell the relic is uncomfortable.     part of him wonders if maybe it  should  be ... if not for basically taking over his life,  orion's  life,  but for ruining their chances at a future together.

... no.     that's not quite right,  is it?

"  i  did.     more than sol ever loved luna,  more than the stars ever loved the sky ... more than any mech had ever loved another,  megatronus.  "

& there is no shame in optimus' voice,  nothing to indicate that he has even an ounce of regret.     if anything there is a wistful sort of sorrow,  something that is more personal & targeted at his own traitorous self than at the former gladiator stood across from him :   the  fault  had  been  orion's  own.     he hadn't dared to reach for megatronus again after that passionate night,  too locked in his own helm by fear & doubt & the belief that,  perhaps,  it had all been a  mistake.     that megatronus had spiked him out of necessity due to his begging, that he would only be  a  distraction  for megatronus,  something to stand between him & the obvious need for change that he'd been so desperately seeking ... & orion hadn't been able to even think about becoming such a thing, not even after giving up his seals.

the onus for this all lies with him.     the truth of that settles,  bitter & acrid,  into his tanks,  churning like bad energon that threatens to come back up a few times.

"  ... no.     i would not go so far as to say that it is past tense,  megatron :   i would say that it is a thorn in my spark,  as the chance for us has long slipped from my digits.     i know that our time is past ...  "

there's a tugging from behind the heavy,  gilded weight that is the matrix of leadership.     his optics burn & sting,  but  primes  do  not  weep,  no matter the aching in their sparks or the pain in their frames ;   he recognizes that pull as  orion  pax,  the little archivist begging to see the mech that he'd dedicated so much of his life to.     but is it truly safe for him to let down his guard ...?

"  ——the  fault  is  mine,  megatron.     for that,  i cannot apologize to you enough.  "

[the-writing-mobster]

Because I constantly get hate for WDYW Chapter 49,

(I get it, it's polarizing) allow me to like,,, explain why I went with the plot point? I don't really owe anyone an explanation, and literally fuck any of my haters, they're ants, but I think my readers/people who actually like my writing would like to know the lore behind my choices.

So, context, in chapter 49, Frisk is drugged into obedience by Muffet and Muffet, being the money hungry cunt that she is, sells Frisk's body on the black market. It's a really uncomfortable concept, and when it happened it caused a lot of readers to drop the fic or rant at me in the comments, talk shit about my fic in private forums behind my back, or even imply a bunch of horrible things about me as a person lmao.

So why did I decide to go with this plot?

Well, for one, it all stems from two books: The Hunger Games, Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins and the Empress by S.J Kincaid.

In both of these books, there is a pivotal character who is drugged, manipulated and used for political gain by a dastardly authority figure. In The Empress, this plot point was ESPECIALLY devastating, because it completely changed and corrupted the character into a horrific shell of their old self to where they were actively antagonistic and irredeemable!

This plot device has intrigued and fascinated me ever since. Drugging a protagonist to make them wholly dependent on their abuser/villain, manipulating them, having them at rock bottom is, in my opinion, one of the worst things that can happen to a character... And seeing how the character can overcome it is the greatest triumph!

Ever since reading these books, this plot device has buzzed in the back of my mind and there is a part of me that always tries to recreate it, but I can never come close to perfecting it.

Either I always miss on the addiction part of the manipulation, or I can never commit truly to character corruption. Either way, the closest I've ever gotten to scratching this itch has been in WDYW part 3, but even then, I barely came close to getting it right.

My second reason for choosing the route; In WDYW, Frisk's whole arc is about having control over her own agency/autonomy/fate. What happens to her in Part 3 is the culmination of everything she's ran away from, fought against, and her greatest nightmare come to life. It was the lowest point I could bring her character, and make her face her past demons in a horrifically evil way. But my plan had obviously been that despite all of the torture she survives, that she not only survives but fucking WINS!

That was the whole point, but when I wrote it I was like,,, 17/18 😅, so there was definitely things I wasn't as graceful about.

With that said, would I change anything? Yes. If I could change anything I wrote about part 3, I would do a couple things:

1. Take out that obedience spell Muffet puts on Frisk. The reason I made that was because it was like a catch all spell to keep Frisk in Muffets clutches? But it was pretty OP and seemed like a hand wavey excuse to brush aside plot holes. I should've just simplified the spell to where she was simply tethered to Muffet's soul so Sans couldn't kill Muffet, or teleport Frisk away.

2. Frisk's "obedience" to Muffet should've been entirely addiction based, which would make the plot point of Frisk using determination to burn out her addiction in Part 4, and then eventually Determination becomes the addiction instead, (because overcoming addiction is really fucking hard actually and a constant struggle) a lot stronger.

3. I would probably be much more careful with my word choice in chapter 49. Some of it comes off as sexualization. Not my intention, but it was because I was writing in the creepy photographer's pov and he was objectifying her. In my head I was like, "surely people can read between the lines right???" (They can't. Only a select few fanfic readers have media literacy apparently)

So, TLDR, No chapter 49 was not some author's barely disguised fetish (that's honestly a really gross way to think about my writing and about me as a person) it was my genuine worst nightmare as a woman, and one of my favorite plot devices from two of my favorite books 😭 Please lay off me about chapter 49, and Part 3.

Last but not least... Some art is meant to disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed.

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[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

me stubbornly forcing myself to drink green tea and rest from my THIRD COLD THIS MONTH

[silvermoon424]

i'm so tired.

[shima-draws]

My doctor: Hey yeah that's not normal I don't think it's an issue with your hip

Me: Oh?

My doctor: It's an issue with your spine

Me: OH

[burinazar]

while this is a useless thought, it is annoying to me that i've been studying japanese for two years and not, like, ten or twenty. because it really would have made a lot of sense for me to start learning japanese much, much earlier. like, to take it in high school, instead of spanish, since our school did have japanese classes available. it really would have made so much sense!

why didn't i do that???? i already had acquired interest in medias and hobbies that (especially at the time) there wasn't as much info in english on, like even then i was interested titles and hobbies that didn't have a ton of fandom in english

however, i had not acquired sentience, or something, so i didn't.

("i had not acquired sentience" is my funny way to observe how many times i can look back at my life and go "why did i do/not do that? what was i thinking? actually i remember the answer, i wasn't thinking")

yeah yeah, i know, "the best time to do it was ten years ago, the second best time is now", yeah, i am doing it now, but the 'Was I Not Sentient???' thing also legitimately bothers me because i don't know if i've learned my lesson and Become Sentient yet. what will i at forty years old be looking back at my current self wishing i had Been Sentient enough to think to do???

[squeakadeeks]

moodboard for this past week ❤️

[egg-emperor]

so gonna be real I barely do life updates here anymore but I've got some bullshit coming up in my personal life that's not looking good. I said I was working on finding out what's wrong with my health from doctors and getting help for a bunch of stuff in my life in general and getting a support system and stuff and I was and it was going well and things were looking up

but now I've been forcefully inducted into some programme thing to push me into doing something I'm physically incapable of doing with my disability but it's apparently mandatory or I'll lose some of the support. I don't know why they decided I can when they know of my issues (and they haven't even recieved the form where they're supposed to be checking for my capability yet so wtf) but apparently there's no way for me to opt out and it's going to last for a year at least

and I've seen a lot of negative things about this program when I wasn't even seeking bad reviews, the majority is negative. so my life might be about to go to shit for a while and I'm already feeling miserable and it hasn't even started yet lol. this may genuinely badly affect my mental and physical health which I've been working so hard to deal with lately so it's very upsetting and stressful

I hope it's not going to take up all my time and I can still be as active as I want to be here because it's one of the things that actually brings some brightness to my life. I also hope all the stress it's going to put me through doesn't affect my behavior here and seep into what I do but I'll try my hardest not to let that happen because my blog is one of the very few positive things in my life atm

best case scenario is they realize I can't do this and take me off it but it's not looking good. that would be more likely in a perfect world where people could take invisible (well mostly invisible for me) disabilities seriously. because I'm not even that hopeful about the doctor stuff at this point, maybe it's just because it's taking so damn long for the referrals I need for them to check me out in the areas needed but I don't know if they'll even find out what's up with my chronic pain and or if I'll get a diagnosis

so yeah I think I'm actually just screwed and life is about to become even more painful and exhausting for me than it already is and a hell of a lot more stressful as a result but maybe if it leads to my health worsening like fainting in front of people again it'll be enough for them to see that this was a bad idea haha. I mean first of all my first meeting about this has been booked for me the day I'm literally taking an 24 hour ECG test because they won't even let the doctors try to finally find out what's wrong with me before pushing me to do this ffs

[aro-culture-is]

quick note - this blog is gonna be sparse again for at least this week. trying new medications and tbh initial side effects are not super pleasant + actual effects build up. as a result: currently as if unmedicated for mental health, with anxiety+ side effect, extra fatigue, dizziness, and fatigue. it's uh, sure something.

totally recognize that most of y'all know we're absent at times due to health things, just wanted to give a heads up that this one is at least anticipated.

[halogalopaghost]

[psikind]

girl help the disability is disabling me

[mypeggableromance]

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[tittyinfinity]

smoking a sativa strain while drinking my coffee for a special feeling I like to call AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[halo--hall]

can't decide if the headache i have had for days is a gum thing or a sinus thing or both but it's pairing really well with the shoulder pain i've had for weeks lmao. mystery chronic illness is awesome

[upperranktwo]

It's 6:30 and I haven't slept at all, from what I recall, I've almost been awake for 24 hours. I can't keep doing this (have been like this for years) I need to see a doctor about my unhealthy sleeping at some point lmao (will not see a doctor)

[non-un-topo]

Seems like I'm having another pain flare-up, this time so much worse than the last :(