#I've been hallucinating and having meltdowns a lot

[lovethisfatcryptid]

I'm having a hard time being a person so I appreciate the people who keep talking to me even though I'm very sporadic with my replies 💜💜💜

[221bluescarf]

I watched a movie this week and I believed it was created to serve as a message to me personally

I don't know if any of you have seen Broken Diamonds but it's about a guy whose sister is woman with schizophrenia. My online support group recommended it as one of the better portrayals of schizophrenia in movies, so we watched it together. I agree, it was very good. It wasn't sensationalized and you never saw a hallucination or heard a voice. It was pretty much all from the perspective of the brother —or the care-taker if you will

But the movie made me sad because I saw myself. I've done some of the things she did and acted in some of the ways she did in the movie. Especially off meds. I'd say her schizophrenia is worse than mine but some would argue it's just that her symptoms are "louder" than mine. And for good reason. It wouldn't be any good for a movie if she did everything quietly. My meltdowns are loud but other than that I retreat into myself. I don't yell at people or anything. It is often very inward and hidden out of fear and suspicion and not letting them see my distress because I believe they're trying to psychologically torture me (or whatever other explanation I have that justifies the persecution) Of course you also can't compare yourself to something fictional. That being said, I still saw a lot of things in the movie that remind me of myself.

The problem is that it didn't take me long to accuse my support group of showing me this movie because it was a message for me. This movie was filmed specifically for me. It was made to tell me what I will become once I'm alone. It was made to tell me my parents will leave me/die and I'll be left to decline far beyond where I am now. My brother will resent me if he doesn't already. I'll be completely lost in myself and go off meds more frequently. I'll live in long-term care. I was so distraught at the message that my parents will soon be gone. I couldn't stop crying.

In the movie, I believe she's been triggered by grief. I will be too.

This movie, its actors, its director and producers...all of them did this to send a message to me. Sure the movie made money too, and a lot of people liked the movie. But the motive was me. It was all for me.

It took a few days for me to "snap out of it".

In the end, I do really like the movie and I recommend it. I realize that it wasn't made for me but it was probably made with people like me or their care-takers in mind.

[compassionatereminders]

Hey, so like. I'm autistic, and I believe you are as well, and I know you experience psychosis (? not sure about that wording, but y'know, hopefully fine ?) and I do Not and... I know that sometimes violence and aggression can be a thing that co-occurs and as someone who would lash out and had problems with loss of bodily control related to autism and meltdowns a lot as a child, I'm, like... I guess I've been wondering if people with psychosis... have those sorts of lapses, where you're not really in control for whatever reason. I've been specifically sort of wondering, because sometimes psychosis is shown in that way, like a loss of control and a lack of self-trust due to that, and that is similar to my experience with having meltdowns so I'm like... is this just a mistaken amalgamation of ideas, is there some shred of truth? And then say that the responses and reactions are similar, like in the brain and outwardly, then what is the difference and, not saying the distinction doesn't have merit, but if so, why are they categorized as seperate? I guess? Sorry.

That was a big info dump, wasn't it? I don't know much, but there are sometimes aspect of character that I relate to, and I've had some things like minor hallucinations, so sometimes I end up liking a character or something who has psychosis because... of things like aspects of neurosis they also have and... sort of like, the constancy of some background noise and... untoward thoughts that you want to go away and the overwhelm of that, sometimes expressed outwardly, but in my case, moreso when I was a kid because poor emotional regulation.

Though they get worse when I'm not doing great. Anyway. Like, I know media has inaccurate depictions obviously, and not all of it will be right or even appropriate, but I'm here to ask that because I got hyperfixated on an old favorite character of mine again and I started wondering. Like, I don't know the details of your experience, either, and how symptoms might manifest, or if it's different, and if it is, and you don't know, or this maybe bothers you, feel free to ignore me! I just had questions and I didn't know how to ask Google and then figured it's probably better to ask a person, anyway, then thought of you, so? Here I am.

Um. I'll try to TL;DR, just in case, and say that I was wondering, if the symptoms are similar, and they manifest in a way that may be otherwise indistinguishable, then why the distinction, like sometimes things like psychosis and neurosis can go hand in hand because our brains are Funky Little Guys with all sorts of tangled wires and whatnot, but. Yeah. Uh. Not doing well at that 'short and succinct' thing. I will stop here.

Thank you. Buh-bye.

Aggression and violence can occasionally be a result of psychosis, but it isn't a defining, inherent feature of psychosis just like it isn't a defining, inherent feature of being autistic

[icharchivist]

Oh ouch

That's pretty mean

Bad Final Fantasy

and keep in mind (spoilers from the main game)

that then Cloud forgot!! he forgot everything!! this whole thing was so traumatizing to him, having to watch his FRIEND who did everything to protect him, die in front of him, that he not only got amnesia, but also just replaced all the memories he had of Zack with himself playing Zack's role in his head. He was so fucked up by this he did became his living legacy like he wanted, just to an extreme where he forgoes his own identity while at it.

all while Aerith meets him and sees Cloud has Zack's sword with him and he sometimes behaves like Zack and like!! what!!!

Nothing beats going to Zack's parents house in the Original game with Aerith and Tifa and they see Cloud and they say "oh you're Soldier?? do you know Zack, our son, we haven't seen him in forever" and Cloud is like "mhm. never heard of this name. Weird because if he was in Soldier i probably should know him" and then the two girls leave the house and you have to find them again because Aerith has a meltdown over being reminded of her ex boyfriend who just disappeared one day, and Tifa has a meltdown because earlier in the game Cloud had recalled a story that happened to Zack and Tifa but described everything Zack did as what Cloud did, and Tifa therefore had been having lowkey of a meltdown thinking she imagined Zack up to that point because Cloud's memories is too vivid, only to run into Zack's parents and think "holy shit he fucking existed once what the fuck is going on"

all while Cloud Strife, paragon of Stable Mental Health, is like "idk what's going on you guys are good?"

and all of this is building up to a point where Sephiroth locks Cloud and Tifa into a hallucination from said time Tifa and Zack spent together and actually show them Zack and tells Cloud "this is what actually happened, it wasn't you, because you never actually existed." and Cloud, in full freak out at this point, turns to Tifa because SHE can tell Sephiroth is wrong right, SHE knows Cloud was there, right, like he remembers! .... and then she doesn't and she's just as freaked out and this is the last thing that breaks Cloud completely on the spot.

And then when Cloud finally remembers Zack he can go back to the labs they've been experimented on and he can see the messages Zack left for him in said lab to say he was going to protect him no matter what. and he did. And Cloud forgot. Zack did the ultimate sacrifice for Cloud and Cloud forgot!!

*burries face in hands* i've never recovered from this whole plotline man.

Like i legit got into the saga bc a friend made a bet with me that if i cried after she showed me a scene i'd have to play it, and i did smugly so bc back then i was brainwashed into thinking video games couldn't tell heartful stories, and then i cried my eyes out during this scene and she smiled to me and said "and then Cloud forgot!" and i've never been the same ever since.

so yeah it's a lot. it's really a lot. It changed my life and i've never been the same ever since, bad final fantasy but also *burries face in hands and screams*

thank you for listening

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

I feel free to be me without N I guess!?

I feel guilty about it but I'm happy.

I haven't had a meltdown since the night I was drinking vodka in Glasgow.

Basically I had a nightmare about N and I woke up panicking because I thought for a split second he was there. I instinctively feel like he will be there ready for me to tell him about my dream. Interpreting it.

I'm so glad we're friends but it does hurt because I feel like I neglected him as a partner a lot. My anxiety always got the better of me. I closed off from Sage.

I had constant meltdowns and anxiety.

I haven't had a meltdown for a week?

And I haven't called Samaritans since the night we had that conversation.

It's wild. I love him always of course.

Unconditional love and miss things a lot.

The other day I was crying on the bus thinking about all the small details I'd memorised about him. Freckles etc.

I've stopped deleting messages.

I've stopped deleting my dad from my life.

I introduced myself as non-binary to someone my dad knows today!

I am Sage. I am non-binary. Fluid

Poly. Soapy. Poetic. Romantic.

I am also Angie. I am a writer.

I am a bunny in some ways, I have ADHD social anxiety and trauma. Mistrust.

The majority of my meltdowns I think came from my abandonment issues. My mum died when I was a kid. My Nana died last year. My books have been stagnant.

All the great grief was stopping me from reaching my creative and energetic side.

Losing everything teaches us to cherish what we have. Which circles back to N.

N is my Nakama, Nakama is Ohana.

Always.

I love his family, they are all good people.

I love the opportunity and experience his influence gave me. I am scared to look at the pictures because it hurts to remind myself that we had a lot of good things.

I took way too many pictures too.

Lots of pictures of cars for him.

Fucking sucks. I love cars now.

I want to get a female driving instructor to see if that helps my anxiety. After therapy?

ADHD medication but I don't trust it I guess? After the way I reacted to the high dose in America I'm skeptical. I don't like that my behaviour changed so erratically.

I hate that I have so many blanks in my memory.

One day we went to Hollywood.

For me it felt like we were in the restaurant for 20 minutes. But apparently we were there for 40 minutes. I can't remember.

In the car park I thought I was locked in.

I don't understand why it was suggested to me in that way when I was in what I thought was a safer place. I'm confused.

I love my best friend. I love all my friends.

I love my Nakama. N is Nakama ofc.

N didn't deserve to be treated that way and I hate that I reacted and overwhelmed him so much. Because he'd say it was fine and didn't talk about it I routinely accepted that maybe I was oversensitive.

That was the medication for how much it made me feel crazy, hallucinating, and delusional was supposed to help right?

There was little many variables as well.

Other things that I can say didn't help things to be honest. Nothing substantial can stop my emotional dysfunction in the moment unless I am left alone to process.

I need to write to process. Writing helps.

My friends make life better. N is my friend, I have faith that all will be ok. As long as I have my Nakama. All the people I love.

Everything is ok. I'm happy. I can do it.

[tavarillasgalen]

I have such bad experiences trying to get mental health treatment.

Like, medical treatment as a whole is WAY too expensive, but this is different. This is people charging you for appointments you cancelled well ahead of time, going back an adding on charging to past appointments and ergo sending your bank account into the red because they charged you without warning, you call them about it, they say it's an insurance thing, except... That's not how insurance works. It doesn't just take money from your account unless you have auto pay on, which I did not. And it has to send you statements with any adjustments or whatever, but that never happened. This has happened to me once before, and I'm concerned it will happen again because I made an appointment just by looking up providers on my insurance without checking reviews first... And the reviews were almost entirely complaints about that. So I cancelled the appointment immediately, but I still had to harrass them for a cancellation confirmation email. They sent it eventually, so now, at least, if they try to charge me, I have that documented proof. But I'm very concerned they're going to try to charge me hundreds of dollars even though I never filled out the registration forms and I cancelled the appointment almost 2 weeks in advance because... That is what people like that do.

I try therapy, and mention I have constant passive suicidal ideation, and the therapist acts like it's an emergency situation, even though I try to emphasize that like... It's Passive not Active. Another therapist tries to force me to do EMDR and will hear of nothing else. Another therapist doesn't believe me when I tell them about some of my traumas. Conversely, another therapist DID believe me... But then pressured me to report the person, even when I repeatedly said I didn't want to do that. The two therapists I actually liked were too expensive to see long term, especially when one of them moved further away.

I try meds and they say you may have to try a bunch before you find the right ones, but like... Some made me worse. Others made me physically ill. Others made me hallucinate. Others gave me horrific eczema. None of them made much of a difference, and definitely nowhere near enough of a difference to justify the side effects. I see yet another psychiatrist and he says to try this drug that is $1000 a month, which.... There's no way I can afford that.

And others still, even with a well-documented history, IN THEIR SYSTEM, which i know because I saw other doctors at the exact same place, claimed that my information wasn't in the system, badgered me about whether or not I REALLY had anxiety and was I SURE I had bipolar, did I have documented PROOF of that, and got angry at me for not being able to remember all the meds I'd been on off the top of my head, consistently claiming I had no records in the system and he couldnt get them from someone else, until I was sobbing in his office. And finally, in the most condescending way, he finally prescribed things I'd already been on and acted like I had a meltdown over nothing. When I KNEW he had access to my records, because i'd seen so many doctors at this place, and ones I'd said nothing of my medical history to asked me if I was still taking things I hadn't taken in years.

And then others still who put the blame on you. If you're anxious, that's stupid, just do it! If you get depressed, just get out in the sun, eat better, exercise! If you're manic, then well... You're just crazy. And like sure, those things can all help a bit, but they're not cures, not for a lot of people. It's not like people choose to have mental illnesses.

It just makes me furious. Sure, there are good mental health providers out there, I know. But I've been trying so hard to find treatment that works for me for nearly a decade, and while there were those two good (expensive!!) therapists and one good doctor who helped with meds but ultimately determined I needed more help than they could give me, it has been overwhelmingly negative. And then you try to talk about it, and people are so condescending. People of the "therapy works for everyone!" group try to tell you you just need to keep looking. People of the "mental illness is fake and attention-seeking, actually" group try to make you feel guilty for even having the problems that you do in the first place and that the only reason why you have them is because you are lazy or whatever.

Like, I manage pretty ok on my own, thankfully. I've had to learn how. But I feel so condescended to about treatment from all sides. And it's like, yes, I want to be better and all this but like... I've tried so fucking hard for so long and if anything, it's just wasted money and made things worse.

[3liza]

i already have brain damage and memory deficits from things other than sleep deprivation, no noticeable changes. no hallucinations either. i also don't experience much drug tolerance, I've been on the same dose of Adderall for about eight years with no changes in response.

i think people with chronic illness and various types of mental illness are at an extreme advantage for handling acute states of consciousness because we already have experience, tolerance, and a complete toolset for dealing with any of the problems that crop up. there's nothing about sleep deprivation that's different or worse than shit i have to deal with on a normal day, having done nothing to "deserve it". however i see a lot of fully able bodied neurotypical people have meltdowns when their blood sugar is a little low from not having lunch at the exact right time because they just don't have any experience making accomodations for different mental states.

edit: anyway what I'm trying to say is: skill issue

I've never really stress tested this before but it turns out you actually can just keep taking modafinil and skip sleeping (there was a lot going on). really curious how far you can push it honestly but that would not be a good home experiment

[fluffer5]

Reverse Summoning

Technically, this is my 7th Humans Are Space Orcs even though this is more of interdimensial summoning...

Anyways, more fun to think how terrifying we can be I guess...

So, I've seen one story prompt like this in the past but forgot where and who wrote it. This one would center more on the "what if we are summoned on a place kinda similar to Earth but seems more magical and is also stuck in the Renaissance or Medieval period?"

Cuz I've seen a post on TikTok saying "What if Earth had rings like Jupiter and other planets? What if those rings would be space rocks due to our close proximity to the sun? Our internet connection would go poof! and even if we have satellites, the transmission to Earth would buffer due to the magnetic disturbances possibly emitted by said space rocks".

Such is why I wrote this asking myself, what if humans are sorta classified into legendary creatures that could do a lot of things despite our weak looking bodies?

So, sorta like the usual isekai summoning but with the fact that they need to put certain "elements" to get the human familiar that they want though it doesn't translate well to our language, thus, they still get to have randomized humans qualities. Example: Earth, time, patience where they wanted someone as sturdy as the Earth, could manipulate time, and have patience for serving them equates to a farmer.

You get the gist of it lol.

Imagine this scenario… you are someone with an abnormal sleeping schedule due to a major project with an approaching deadline. You've been drinking caffeine and various energy drinks to the point that your stomach, liver, and kidneys would cry and curse you if they could speak. Your nerves are frazzled and your anxiety level is through the roof to the point that one wrong move could either send you through an enormous breakdown or a volcanic meltdown.

You were down to the last details of your project, the most crucial moment where you can finally end your torture and pass out on your bed for hours on end when suddenly, engravings appeared under your working area and a bright light was the last thing you saw as you cursed at the world for suddenly feeling faint (a side effect of the summoning) to the point that you felt as if you're hallucinating the bright engravings on your floor because ain't no way you have a shining marker anywhere near your table.

On the other side, a creature with humanoid features and chicken bird wings (nah, just kidding… the summoner have wings similar to a hummingbird) was feeling sweaty from the length of time it was taking for you to be summoned. Other people surrounding them was also waiting in anticipation.

Note that in their world, the longer the length of summoning, the higher the resistance force of the summoned being (yes, we can resist), and this means the greater the summon's capabilities are.

When the children (they look almost like us but due to their constant use of the leylines had certain additional features on their bodies, as featured with the chiken wings of the summoner) finally saw a body drop on top of the large summoning sigil.

They all held their breath as you gathered yourself from the disorientation.

They could see someone whose flesh isn't covered by scaled or hardened by muscles. No signs of any crystal either which is needed to harness the power of their leyline energy. To be honest, the summoned familiar looked as if its on the verge of death (looking zombified from the stress). They feel like you're about to keel over at any moment and instead of a summon, they'd have a corpse to clean up.

Of course, you, feeling delirious at the plethora of unique looking creatures, still sleep-deprived, and absolutely pissed off from suddenly being taken away from your work looked at them with bloodshot eyes and launched off a tirade of curse words that goes down to at least the 3rd generation of their family.

They know a few of our language given that they have attempted the same ritual over the past few years (though depending on the leyline used, time either goes too fast or too slow in our world, in other words it's more of a time travel hotspot).

They could understand words like "intestines" and "murder" and "deadline" and "kill" but the other words feel more different (the last summon that agreed to teach them was a pissed off Russian woman who was inwardly cackling as she incorporated a lot of random words that didn't match her place of origin as she's very happy to screw with people who are wasting her quiet time with her beloved wine).

The teacher though… the more he's looking at the translation orb in his hand, the more he feels the blood drain from his face.

They did summon someone important. Someone resilient and capable. Someone who's been able to go through harsh moments and still smile as they work through an entire cycle of hatred and cursing of their self, life, and world.

The greatest familiars usually come from what you call as "procrastinators".

Well, procrastinators are their own breed of legendary so it's not as if they're wrong.

Still, the summoning teacher felt like quitting that very moment when said summon brandished a sharpened pencil as you charged towards them shouting how you'll rip them limb from limb with a fudgin pencil if you have to.

Violence was one of the things in your mind and spite was the only thing left fueling your deranged soul as you chanted, "You messed with the wrong person, b!tch!" before diving forward at the squawking student who immediately casted defensive shields...

That shield did help deter you for a bit before you heaved, rounded them, and internalized all hate in your soul and stabbed the pointy end of your pencil at their mighty shield, laughing like a wild hyena as you watch the barrier crack open like your last piggy bank when you're left with no money in your pocket.

Their screams were glorious!

.

.

.

.

The school finally banned calling onto procrastinators until further containment considerations on their part after they sent home a crying, plucked humanoid hummingbird.

[trans-axolotl]

I saw you mention a while ago you use AAC for psychosis, can you explain more about that?

Hey anon! Sure.

So I generally speak verbally and although there are times I go into autistic burnout and lose speech, that has happened a lot less frequently as I've gotten older and made changes to my life to accommodate myself more. My main use of AAC is during psychotic episodes. When I have psychotic episodes, there are often times when even though I am able to verbally speak, I am not able to speak in a way that is understood. I will use the wrong words for things, talk incredibly quickly, say different things than what I mean, be unable to answer direct questions, speak using code words or strange phrases, talk to hallucinations instead of people who are there, and generally just have incomprehensible speech, even though it's verbal speech.

AAC helps me communicate my needs during those times because there are phrases and options to choose from, so I don't need to try to remember what words will make sense to other people. I have an AAC app with a crisis folder that I've customized to have the words and icons that make the most sense to me when I'm in a crisis. It's been a really helpful communication tool for me so that when I am in a crisis or experiencing distress, I have an easy way to communicate what's happening and what I need quickly, instead of getting more upset and frustrated when my support people can't understand what my verbal speech means.

This is what my crisis folder looks like:

[Image description: a screenshot of a vocabulary set from the app AVAZ. there are thirty icons with different colored backgrounds and symbols to represent the words. The words listed are self harm, psychosis, need, sad, distract, stim, manic, loud, angry, I can’t speak, flashback, scared, head, meltdown, I don’t know what I need, beat, upset, hug, I don’t know, feel, sensory overload, hide, don't touch me, help, I, hallucination, quiet, bugs, listen, and ceiling people. ]

Here’s an example of a sentence I used to communicate a while ago.

[image description: a screenshot of the same vocabulary set as the first image. This screenshot has several words selected in the speech bar, forming a sentence that says “ceiling people ceiling people upset scared hide”]

I hope this makes sense! I haven't really seen many people talking about using AAC for psychosis but I'm sure there's other people out there who use it in different ways. This is just how I use it.

Happy to answer more questions if anyone's curious!

[fictionkinfessions]

i absolutely miss tommy. i've been talking with tubbo, and we've been sharing mems and just talking about him, yet we haven't been able to find him- lately i've been thinking about him a lot- and if i miss him this much i can't even imagine how much bo misses him too. i remember him being afraid of the dark when he came back to life, him hanging out so much at bo's and i house, him tugging my tail gently (and hugging it too) whenever he needed comfort, or asking me to be with him in the night because my eyes glow, him and tubbo helping me avoid a meltdown whenever we listened to the musicbox and that song started playing (they always stopped it from playing to much once they realized), him swearing and yelling at me, but apologizing some minutes after (or hours lol), him talking about flowers and all the animals he loved, he just loved living- i remember when he came back, bo thought he was having an hallucination, he used to have a lot of them, but he turned to see me and saw how i was absolutely shocked and his first instinct was to run and hug you, after that we tried not to be so far away from you, after all you went through. i really, really miss you, we miss you tommy. -enderboy 👑

[luffysfakebeard]

Okay, so I've always wanted to read a fic where Isak learns about how schizophrenia runs in families, so he has a chance of developing the disorder later in life. So i just want him to freak out about and Even to be super sweet and comforting and help him calm down

Be Brave For You; 2.1k[AO3]

Even had noidea why Isak had gone white as a ghost and practically ran out of the café, but he was rushing after him anyway.  His shift had almost been over anyway; no onewas going to notice him leaving three minutes early.

He hoped.

“Isak, Isak,hey!” Even managed to catch Isak’s wrist and pull him back, but his face fellwhen he saw the state Isak was in.  Hischest was rising and falling faster than could possibly be comfortable, and hispanicked eyes were brimming with tears.

“Baby, whathappened?” Even pulled Isak closer to him until Isak’s back was pressed againsthis chest.  “Here, breathe with me.” Evenwhispered in Isak’s ear as he splayed a hand lightly over Isak’s chest.  He kept his breathing slow and steady andeven in Isak’s ear, feeling Isak’s heart hammering painfully under his hand.

It took a fewminutes, but slowly Isak’s breathing regulated and he slumped back againstEven.

“Let’s get youhome.” Even pressed a kiss to Isak’s cold tear-damp cheek and wrapped Isak’sjacket tighter around him before he started guiding Isak down the street.  Thankfully the café wasn’t that far from the flat and they made ithome soon enough.

It probablywould have been faster if Even had just scooped Isak up and carried him, but hecould tell that Isak was feeling embarrassed enough about having a panic attackso publicly.  He wasn’t going to add to that embarrassment by swooping inand carrying him bridal-style through the streets.

They didn’t sayanything as they walked, and when they crossed the threshold of their flat Isakseemed in a complete daze.  Takinginitiative, Even slowly got Isak out of his outdoor clothes and into thesoftest pyjamas they owned.  He threw theduvet back and Isak – showing the first signs of being present since they leftthe café – walked over to the bed and crumpled onto the mattress.

Even pulled theduvet over him and stroked his curls gently. He was just about to turn to go make Isak some tea when Isak covered hishand with his own.

“Don’t go.”Isak’s voice broke, which in turn broke Even’sheart.

“I was going tomake you some tea?  Warm you up a bit?”Even rubbed up and down Isak’s arm through the duvet to emphasise how cold Isakwas.

“Stay.” Isakshook his head.  He looked so exhausted;how could Even deny him anything whenhe looked like he’d just been put through a wringer?

“Okay, baby.”Even nodded.  He shed his uniformquickly, trading it for some warm sweats and a hoodie, and got into bed withIsak even though it was barely 1830.  Isakimmediately shuffled his worn out body closer to Even.  He tucked his head safely against Even’s neckand threw his leg over Even’s lap, giving himself good leverage to snuggle asclose as possible.  Once Isak got settled,Even wrapped an arm around Isak’s waist and used his free hand to slowly scrapethrough Isak’s hair in the way he liked.

“What happened,baby?  One second you were there and thenyou were gone.” Even murmured, not wanting to speak any louder and burst thebubble they were in.

“Those girlswere talking.” Isak sounded so exhausted. Part of Even thought that maybe he should just let Isak sleep, but Isakhad genuinely scared him bolting like that.

“About…you?  About us?” Even hedged.  Isak just about managed to shake his head.

“No, no.  They were…doing homework, or something.” Isaksighed, sounding more and more tired with every word.

“Homework.”Even repeated.

“They weretalking ’bout…schizophrenia.” Isak mumbled, nuzzling against Even’s necksleepily.

“Oh, angel.” Itwas Even’s turn to sigh, dipping his head and kissing Isak’s forehead.  He watched as Isak’s eyes flutteredclosed.  “Your mum’s been doing reallywell lately, though.  That’s good, right?  We had that nice lunch the other week.” Evenrubbed Isak’s back comfortingly.

“Mhmm.” Isaknodded tiredly.  “Those girls…they weretalking about how- how it’s genetic.” Isak broke off to yawn, but Even couldn’thave felt less tired.

“Oh, Is…” Hewasn’t sure what to say.  He had a lot ofthoughts about it for sure; unfortunately they were getting all tangledtogether in one big mess in his head, which helped no one.

Isak took thepressure off his hands, though, by promptly falling asleep with his face inEven’s neck.

***

When Isak wokeup he felt like someone had attached a dozen concrete bricks to his body.  He felt heavy and groggy and all in all likecomplete shit.  He had no idea how longhe’d slept for, but the flat was dark around him.

Even was warmand solid and oh so reassuring under him, so Isak wiggled closer.

“You’re alive.”Even joked, his voice husky from lack of use. Damn if that voice didn’t do things to Isak.  If he didn’t feel like he’d been run over bya monster truck he might have rolled onto Even’s lap and kissed him senseless.

“Barely.” Isakgroaned.  His head was pounding and hischest ached and his eyes felt scratchy from the tears he’d most likely criedduring his delightful venture with public hyperventilating.

“I’m gonna makesome toasties and we’re going to talk.” Even promised.  Isak nodded in agreement, and a tired smilepulled at his lips when he felt Even dot kisses all over his face.  While Even disappeared to the kitchen andclattered around making toasties, Isak went to work on the tedious task ofraising his deadweight body into a sitting up position.

It took longerthan he will ever admit.

The main thingis that he was sat upright by the time Even came back with two cheese toastiesand a glass of water.  They sat closetogether, their knees brushing, and ate quietly.  Admittedly Isak felt better after he ate anddrained his entire glass of water, but he still wasn’t sure if he felt ready todelve back into the matter of his spectacular public meltdown.

He thinks hemight have started explaining it to Even before he fell asleep, but he isn’tsure.

“We don’t haveto talk about it if you don’t feel ready.” Even said, as if he could readIsak’s mind.  It was more likely that hecould read Isak’s body language, but the romantic in Isak liked to think thatEven could read his mind.

“No, it’ssomething we should talk about.” Isak shook his head.  He wished he could shake the heavy feelingfrom his heart too.

Even tookIsak’s hands in his, giving him his full attention.

“You know mymum’s schizophrenic.” Isak began.  Evennodded.  “She would see things and hearthings that weren’t there, and when it got really bad she’d accuse my dad oftrying to control her.  Like he wasinside her head or something.  She’dsleep for days, and when she woke up she’d be delirious.  She’d shout about whatever delusion she washaving, but she was always trying to warnus.” Isak’s voice cracked, but he was determined to keep going.

“It was sofucking hard to understand her, because her words came out wrong, y’know?  She’d be shouting and making all thesegestures but none of us could understand. She’d be shouting and screaming and crying, and me and dad just had totry to stop her hurting herself.” Isak wiped at his eyes roughly.

“That’sgenetic, Even.  Research shows thatyou’re more likely to develop psychosis if one of your parents has it.  They thinkthere might be a gene that makes you more susceptible to it.  For some people it doesn’t even manifestuntil they’re in their thirties;there’s still a chance it could happen to me.” Isak was shaking now, soviolently that his hand actually jerked out of Even’s grip.

“I’ll be therethe whole time, Isak.” Even pulled him closer, cupping Isak’s face easily inhis hands.  “Is, look at me.” Even heldIsak’s face until Isak finally brought his gaze up from his lap and showed Evenhis teary hazel eyes.

“If you do havethe gene, if it turns out you do have schizophrenia like your mum, we can dealwith it together.  It isn’t going to belike your mum, who was alone.  I know shehad you, but you were just a kid.  Yourdad could have done more; for your mum andfor you.  There are people out therewho are trained to help us, Isak.  Peoplewho train for years to work withmentally ill people and help us.” Even sounded so sure, so confident, that they could handle it together.

“This is such adick question, but…have you ever been on the other side of having an episode?”Isak cringed at his own wording.  Evenwinced as well.

“No, but I knowhow it feels to feel completely out of control of your brain.” Even replied.

“I know youdo.” Isak played with Even’s fingers nervously. “This would be different though.” Isak swallowed.  “I’d be- be seeing things that weren’tthere.  I might hear voices.  I might even get violent.” Isak couldn’t evenlook Even in the face as he said it.

“You’re not aviolent person, Is.  Not for the mostpart.  A diagnosis won’t change that.”Even squeezed his hands reassuringly.

“No, buthallucinations might!  Delusions might!” Isak wrenched himselfaway from Even in frustration.  Whycouldn’t Even understand?

“Have you everwatched someone you love scream at things you can’t see?  Or claw at their ears to try to get thevoices out of their brain?  Have you everlistened to someone you love cry and cry and cry because of something you can’t do anything about because it isn’t real outside of their head?  Have you ever had to restrain someone whilethey try to fight something that isn’t there? Or tried to calm them down and tell them that it isn’t real, even thoughthey’re so fucking afraid?” Isak’schest was heaving and he could feel the tears stinging in his eyes again.

“I can’t- Ican’t- I-” Isak’s words stuttered with his breathing, and Even was right there.  He positioned himself in front of Isak andpulled Isak’s hand up to his chest and counted slow and even until Isak couldbreathe again.

“I- I can’t dothat to you.” Isak choked, the tears trickling down his cheeks.  “I’ve been there, I was there for so long, I can’t make you watch me losemy mind.” Isak shook his head frantically. He could viscerally remember how afraid he had been during each andevery bad episode his mother had had.  Hecouldn’t justify inflicting that upon anyone else.

Especially notEven.

“You watch melose my mind all the time, Is.” Even pointed out.  “You think it’s easy for me, knowing thatyou’re still level when I’m high as a kite or crashed out?  Or that more often than not it’s you and myparents picking up the pieces?”

Isak shook hishead mutely.  He couldn’t even rememberwhat point he had been trying to make. He felt so deflated now.

“You alreadyknow that, though.” Even frowned at him like he was a puzzle that needed to beput together.  “What is it you’re reallyworried about, Is?”

Fuck.

How did Evenknow him so fucking well?

“She was soafraid.” Isak’s heart clenched painfully at the memories.  “I spent so long being afraid; I’ve only juststarted getting over it.  I don’t want tobe scared again.” And then he was crying.

Real, painfulsobs that felt like they were being pulled from the depths of his soul orwrenched out of his bones.

He felt like hewas going to shake apart.  It hurt tobreathe.

And then therewas Even.

Warm, solid,dependable Even wrapping his arms around Isak and letting Isak sob into hisshoulder.  Even’s hand felt so steadywhere it was cupping the back of Isak’s head, and Isak wished desperately thatthat would be enough to keep his mind from falling apart.

“Being afraidof being afraid, very Harry Potter of you.” Even teased gently as he rockedIsak slowly from side to side, like an infant needing to be soothed.

It just madeIsak cry harder.

“It’s okay tobe scared, Isak.” Even whispered into his hair. “I’ll be brave for you if the monsters come.” He promised.

It wasn’t much,but it was enough for Isak.

To know thatEven would still be there if he crumbled was more than enough.