#I've always been really curious about where the text even comes from because it seems like it was extracted from multiple places

[tetheredbysin]

Oh I'm sorry the link didn't work for you. I agree with your assessment of Nicos support that it's both sweet but also beneficial for Nico himself. It reminded me a bit of Kevins support of Mick a few years back. Well, It's a moot point now anyways.

The interviews are similar, I'll say. Here is basically what he says in the video:

"Obviously last weekend was a really strong case for him, where he showed that if he is confident and on top form, how strong he can be and what he can do. So I was really happy personally for him as well, because I think he has had a tough year, on some occasions and it was a nice fighting back from him, for sure.

I don't know I can't predict the future, I don't make decisions. What I can say is that I've enjoyed working with him now for two years, and we have a very healthy and good relationship. I think we have a lot of mutual respect for each other, and we are just kinda on the same frequency, and it's enjoyable."

Anyway some extra info if you don't already know. Kevin was just in the Viaplay debrief today, where he said that he was only sick Friday, but choose to not participate in the rest if the weekend, because he wanted the team to have the best chance for points and a sprint weekend is too tough to jump into on Saturday. But seeing the conditions and the rain he did regret the decision and apparently a few people from Haas also wrote to him that they would have liked for him to be there and that they needed him, including Nico.

This got long, I'm sorry.

okay first off, no need to apologize, I'm just as bad when it comes to sending long asks haha! love reading them.

the comment nico made about "being on the same frequency" is endlessly interesting to me, because I only ever hear people use that description about people they really, genuinely like. partners, best friends, stuff like that. so it makes me curious how nico sees kevin compared to his previous teammates. (let's be real, the man is smitten)

I hadn't watched the viaplay debrief yet but man that's tough to hear. obviously I applaud kev for thinking of what would be best for the team but it's also really disappointing to hear that he regretted choosing not to race, especially since he would've kinda been in the same boat with everyone since the conditions for quali/the race were so different to the rest of the weekend that everyone was kinda working it out as they went. but then again, there's a part of me that isn't too mad considering how tough the race seemed to be for haas (the car did not like those conditions). tough conditions are always a chance for a huge surprise, but it's also easy to see "could've beens" as the best case scenario and not the worst. at least he was safe. he has also said that while he prefers mixed conditions, he doesn't really love extreme wet, so perhaps it wasn't the biggest loss even though he regretted it.

that being said, now the only thing I can think about is nico texting kevin post-quali and post-race like "why were you not here, I needed my emotional support dane :("

ugh, they kill me.

[toskarin]

THE WAY OF ALL FLESH 《万人の途》

You need not hurry, We've got all the time in the world.

My memory has failed sadly of late.

He is violently pessimistic.

It is wildly unlikely.

There is all the difference in the world between the two.

make an unholy fuss about very little.

Dear me! What a sorry mess everything is in!

The painting is a rank imitation.

a gross mistake.

a crushing bore.

with no earthly reason.

be crass ignorance.

every trick in the book.

They have all the advantages in the world.

go native. go bust.

The proposal came one vote short of unanimous approval.

I can't reach the buttons on the back. Will you do them for me?

So many movies have had this plot that it has been done to death.

Things don't go so well in real life.

It will go hard with him if he is found out.

It makes no difference no matter which way the election goes.

some people still can go without paying taxes.

look full in the face.

The sun shone in our faces.

One and one makes one.

These make a pair.

make the passing mark.

The seal is missing on the document.

The lace on one of my shoes had god undone.

I wouldn't want to be quoted on this.

I'm not much on putting those things into words.

be short on imagination.

It seems he got mixed up on his instructions.

Who is going to take you up on your offer!

He erred grossly on that problem.

a toy balloon on a string.

a dog on a chain.

be a black mark.

He is the sort of man whose personal charm grows on you on acquaintance.

Wherever did you put?

It was a good joke, but fell flat on him.

The mood grew on me.

My mind was not on it.

be borne in on one.

Shame on you!

an experiment on animals.

It is too late to perform an operation on him.

You ought to be harder on him.

Acids act upon metals.

It is unfair on you.

His voice grates upon my ear.

The drinks are on me.

Do you know you are taking a great deal on yourself?

Don't tell on me.

She seems to have something on him.

play a neat trick on a person.

get die on a person.

They have nothing on us.

Age has begun to tell on me.

No use trying to pull such a trick on me.

be on trial.

He is unable to hold anything on his stomach.

The scene was on.

I lay awake thinking over it all last night.

I had to rack my brains over that problem.

She hesitated over her answer.

ride roughshod over the objection.

Don't pull that line on me.

pull a sanctimonious face.

He never pulls his rank.

We are running short of gas.

Time is running short on me.

One's devil's luck runs out.

Finally she ran out of patience.

The watch has run down.

let one's imagination run riot.

run short of topics for conversation.

That is not the way the world is run.

run a machine at a high voltage.

run a person on a lie detector.

leave a motor running.

He stands small chance against you.

Kids run a high temperature over nothing in particular and snap out of it.

investigate a matter to the ground.

criticize severely.

You are worn to a shadow.

boring to distraction.

It has been done to death.

The bag was filled to bursting with sugar.

What are you seeing?

They were killed to a man.

It is done to a turn.

There is another side to the coin.

There's not enough depth to the story.

There is more to it than that.

There was no jerk to his motions.

That is about all there is to it.

The words had an ironical ring.

Have you any clue to work on?

The brakes refused to work.

The machine was still in fine working order.

The plan worked remarkably well.

It is very well in theory, but will it work?

His reason ceased to work.

Flattery will not work with him

It might work and again it might not work

I'm afraid it won't work so well.

Our plan worked successful.

The trick won't work with him.

The handle doesn't work.

The warning seemed to work most effectively.

Her face worked fiercely.

The screw had worked loose.

work a spear through one's hands.

They will work you to death.

He worked on a smile that didn't quite come off.

There is no knowing how that will work itself out.

This problem will not work out.

The safe opened to the key.

a ticket to a movie.

exit to applause.

The medicine worked into the wounded skin.

Oh! I'm inside out!

You are unzipped.

No stopover on this ticket.

try to enter a country on an expired passport.

I'll come again when you are free.

The question is who will bell the cat.

The fact that he was sick was not very impressive to her.

You asked for it.

untie a tight knot.

The girl couldn't word her feelings well.

Does he really mean it? I wonder.

Let him do his worst.

a would-be kindness.

Did she agree with you?

Turn your face toward me.

I don't think I can do it,but I'll try.

What is true of them is equally true of you.

They trumped up a charge to put him in jail.

Think it over carefully before you decide.

What are you talking about?

He bothered me with stupid questions.

Can it really be mine?

Don't calculate on me helping you.

No one called my attention to it.

Watch when you talk about religion.

You have the advantage of me.

They shouted to the utmost of their strength.

She never gave utterance to her personal feelings.

There were very few passengers in the train.

How much use did you get out of the machine?

It's not us that tried to upset their plans.

There was a chasm yawning in front of us.

Let me see,where was I?

Where did the plan go wrong?

work out one's idea of one's role.

To live is to suffer.

This is playing with words.

know what you mean.

What do you see?

You ought to have been more careful.

You need not have come.

Who do you think you are?

I have no idea what the word means.

ARRIVE ON THE EDGE

YOU RECAPTURED KARNEL OF THE LOST ARTICLE

AND THE ORDER IS TOTALLY OVER.

[eroslove88]

"She only wanted to lie beside him"

Pairing: Yan. Kenma x Fem. Reader

Warnings: Stalking, kidnapping, bondage, noncon touching and noncon implied

Note: WOAH!!! I POST 2 TIMES IN A WEEK. WILD!!! Uhm yeah, this is a guilty pleasure fic.

Turning on your computer you feel a bit... dumb? It feels useless to even message him- but yet here you are. Kenma messaged you, and that's not out of the ordinary. Actually it's pretty normal, it's been normal for like 6-7 months.

You got close to him because he was in a server with a mutual friend. He goes to your high school and growing up the most you said to him was something about project years ago. Senior year- you thought that this would be the year where you'd come out of your shell but that never happened. Anxiety crashed that thought early on. When you got on a daily routine of texting Kenma you thought he'd actually want to befriend you, but that's not what happened. Long late night conversations and not a word said to each other in real life. It doesn't help that you two walk the same way home either...

Maybe you wouldn't have cared so much if you didn't have a small crush on him.

'hey did we hv hw' your computer gets a notification, Kenma. You sigh and type back, 'Yeah, the insert for this lesson.' you see that he's typing but he stops and doesn't respond until about 5 minutes later- despite being online. '👍' you couldn't help but roll your eyes and just sigh.

None the less he was an ok dude, he had offered to gift you things, games & chocolates- all of which you declined. You didn't want to feel materialistic and greedy.

'do you wanna play gungeon' you put your jacket on and replied quickly, 'Sorry, I'm going for a walk. I can play in an hour though!' you patiently waited and he replied quickly. 'k' huffing you closed your laptop, charging it before you left.

During the winter, the sun went down faster than usual. So around 7ish the streets were empty for walkers except for the occasional dog walkers.

The sound of quiet foot steps penetrated your mind. Snapping your head around you're faced with empty streets, probably paranoia you thought. You turned your music up walking down your usual route.

Even with the music playing you couldn't help but hear footsteps everywhere. You weren't so far from the park... just 3 more blocks.

The feeling of being watched burns your neck, you really should've turned around. Pounding footsteps come running towards you but you were too late. Your screams were demoted to tiny whimpers as you weakly try grasping the needle in your neck.

You were freezing, your arms and legs were duct taped together. It was a pretty lazy job, but whatever kind of tape it was was pretty fucking strong. Your vision was blurred with tears and you whimper into your gag and curled into yourself seeming to have missed the boy sitting at the desk across the room.

It wasn't until you heard the creaking of the chair and light footsteps that you felt panic. Your eyes remained closed even when he was right by your face.

The bed dipped down, "Don't worry, I won't hurt you" a small crying noise comes out from your gag as you try to beg him to stay away. He shushed you coming closer but all you could do was shake your head and try to move away, "Hey, it's ok" he spoke to you like a stray kitten as he slowly approached your trembling body, "Sh... It's only me" you knew that. But that didn't stop you from squirming in his arm as you tried pushing him away. He tisked at your pitiful attempt, " 'm really sorry for not approaching you" he mumbles kissing your head. "I knew you were lonely..." he chuckles, "But that honestly made things even easier" he let's you go and stands up. "I've been waiting a while to do this you know" he pulls out a black box. He opened it and paused "I've always been curious to see how your pretty face would look with a full pussy" he pulls out 3 big dildos, "and ass" he smirks pulling out a condom. "2 v. 2?"

[trigun-manga-overhaul]

I've always been meaning to ask- It's generally known that Wolfwood has a Kansai dialect in the original Japanese, which you've chosen to localize in English, but what I'm curious about is: does Livio have any sort of dialect or accent in Japanese as well? It seems the way he speaks in your translation has a some of the same quirks as Wolfwood, so that really got me curious.

Hey there and thanks for the ask!

Yes, it is 100% clear in the Japanese text that Wolfwood speaks with a Kansai accent. I remember reading in an interview long ago that Nightow imagined this accent to be southern or very cowboy in English, but I do not have it on hand so I can't back it up. Either way, we decided to go with the southern twang for Wolfwood, to ensure that his distinct speech prevails.

Now, Livio is a very interesting one with his language, as it goes through a metamorphosis during the time he has in the manga. It changes a lot, and that goes hand in hand with his character arc.

The first very obvious change that happens to Livio's speech, is his move from very polite, controlled and submissive speech as we meet him. Obviously this reflects his position as a pawn to the Eye of Michael. The key factors in this are the lack of dialect and his usage of "私, Watashi" to refer to himself.

This changes as he becomes Razlo.

Razlo's speech is pretty distinct. No, he does not have a thick Kansai dialect like Wolfwood, but he does pronounce words in certain ways. His speech is the kind that Japanese people would describe as vulgar; low class, gang-like. Razlo is a punk in every sense of the word when it comes to how he talks, both in the pronouns used towards other character, always the most hostile ones you can pick, and always speaks in a disrespectful manner towards anyone who isn't Chapel. This is also where we see "俺, Ore" used towards himself, a pronoun considered rude, or very masculine, if not used casually with your close friends.

When Livio is finally freed from Chapel and the Eye of Michael, he transforms more into his true self. He begins to use "俺, Ore" towards himself, his speech becomes more casual, occasionally playful, but also with some force. This is where it gets interesting.

Livio's speech pattern is reminiscent of the Japanese masculine stereotype of the Kyushu Danji, the macho man, or as would be perceived in the West, a core picture of toxic masculinity. However, since this is Nightow we're talking about, the idea is turned on its head.

Livio, despite being portrayed as a big, muscly, tough guy in almost every way he can be, is instead called Crybaby Livio. His emotions are on the outside, he's gentle, loving, and polite towards women. He even tries to imitate Meryl's very proper speech when he meets her, wanting to be respectful. He is everything that a Kyushu Danji isn't, yet speaks a lot like such a person when it comes to the patterns of his speech.

On the topic of this trope; Wolfwood tries his hardest to be a person like that, a Kyushu Danji, and it causes him mostly suffering. Wolfwood is indeed a victim of toxic masculinity himself, which makes it very interesting how this behavior is portrayed in the series. One suffers because of it, another turns the whole trope on its head and gives us the opposite.

Just more of those tiny Nightow things that I personally very much appreciate, especially for its time.

The short answer:

Livio does not exactly have the same written dialect in the manga like Wolfwood, however his speech is supposed to be crude, and "low class", something the Japanese often connect with the Kansai dialect. So, we decided on the team to give Livio a similar dialect to Wolfwood.

[johaerys-writes]

Can I ask you about the scene with Priam?

Before this Achilles is not “sleeping,” bathing, eating, or drinking as part of his mourning process. We see him holding Patroclus’ body, a no-no as the body is “unclean.” (Also, he shaves his head, rolls in dirt, passes out in dirt, etc.) I have seen some takes about how this is part of Achilles’ mourning process for both Pat and himself and how this is him sort of losing the rest of his humanity. Then just-just prior to the Priam scene, Thetis goes to Achilles to tell him to give Priam Hector’s body. Achilles just gives in without any resistance. This is around line 130. She’s like, ‘baby you got to move on from this. Go have something to eat and fuck a woman’ (some of the phrasing here is curious, but it’s not exactly the focus of my question). I always thought this quick acceptance to see Priam was a sign of his deep depression and resignation to his fate.

But then in the scene with Priam he plays proper host. He’s eating and drinking. Then he (debatable imo) goes off to fuck Briseis. It’s like he is literally doing what his mother told him to do. So why the switch from rejecting human customs and needs to engaging in “normal” behavior? As you mentioned, these old stories function differently and don’t exactly have characters arcs with lessons learned. So like wtf is going on? What are we supposed to do with this information?

No disrespect here, but sometimes I think these reversal scenes (which happen multiple times) are just one of Homer’s co-authors/editors going off and doing their own thing and there’s really no hidden meaning at all.

Okay so first of all, I think the notion of Homer's "editors" tampering with the text is a fairly popular one in some circles, I have heard a few different versions of it and I'm not sure I agree or disagree. Most classicists whose work I've read so far, and who work predominantly with Homer, tend to take the Iliad and Odyssey at face value and to automatically assume that the works are the way Homer/whoever wrote them intended them to be. And this is the way I myself engage with the Homeric works, because I think once you go "oh that part here is nonsense, it has probably been changed by those nebulous editors" then you're so much more likely to pick and choose what you like and draw your own conclusions and I don’t think that's fair to the work and the extensive body of work dealing with that work. Ykwim? So let's just say that the Iliad as a whole, and the part you highlighted in particular, are in the fact the way the original epic is meant to be.

The last few books of the Iliad, in my opinion, are the breakdown of Achilles' character. In the beginning, despite his anger and resentment towards Agamemnon, we still see him put together and civil with everyone during the embassy scene, and then again when he speaks with Patroclus, arms him and sends him forth to fight. Then, after Patroclus dies, he loses the plot and goes on his rampage, where his grace, respect and courtesy even towards his enemies fly right out the window. Even after he kills Hector and drags him around, he finds no peace. He refuses to eat, drink or bathe and still yearns and cries for Patroclus. But then, after he sees Patroclus' shade at the beach, is where the second most important change comes about if you ask me; this is when Achilles seems to wholeheartedly accept his death. We have Patroclus' funeral, then the funeral games, where Achilles seems to once again find his nobility and grace, as well as showcase how adept he is at diplomacy and handling the other warchiefs' pettiness and arrogance. Even with Agamemnon he is generous and polite, not exhibiting any resentment towards him.

But there's something different about that scene compared to all the others imo: there is not much of the energy, fire and determination we would see earlier, even when he was grieving. He gives away so much of his treasure too; my friend Baejax and I have often talked about this scene and how it feels like Achilles is giving away his wealth because he has no need for it, since he'll be dying soon anyway. This is a man that has fully accepted that hard behind glory rides death, and that it will be coming swiftly for him.

And this is how I've always seen the meeting with Priam, tbh. For me personally, that scene has always been about grief, mortality and the cost of glory (which is the most important commodity in the Iliad universe) and a meditation on the suffering which unites mankind. Achilles talks about his homeland and the father he has left behind whom he will never again see, about the pain he has caused Priam and his people, about the gods and the ultimate lack of choice that humans have. Men must suffer, he says, and must make others suffer in a world without justice.

So for me it isn’t so much Achilles embracing again the human customs he had rejected, but instead fully acknowledging the reality of his position and resigning himself to it. I don't think that Achilles "plays" the host, so much as he extends his hospitality to Priam (which, again, very important ideal in the Iliad, it's where the Trojan war started in a way. With Paris violating the Achaean's hospitality and stealing Helen), acknowledges Priam's suffering, and acknowledges how instrumental he has been in said suffering. In that scene, killer and victim become one, and with the insight into each other’s condition comes compassion. And I think that's a powerful statement, and perhaps the most enduring in the Iliad. Soon after that, the Trojans bury Hector, which foreshadows and mirrors' Achilles' funeral as well. This "double funeral" completes the Iliad, and its overarching tragedy.

Now. The thing is that Achilles is a really divisive personality to begin with, and the scene with Priam even more so. He isn’t easy to categorise or analyse, and depending on the lens through which one sees his actions and behaviours, the interpretation could change greatly. Rachel Bespaloff in her commentary On the Iliad (which I absolutely loathe and want to tear in little pieces and burn LOL) says that "to rid himself of troublesome responsibility Achilles ducks behind fatality" during the Priam scene, and that his words to the old king are "scandalous behaviour". If you ask me, this take completely ignores Achilles' own suffering and rejects his role in the Iliad as the idealistic, honourable and rigid in his honour and beliefs young hero who almost completely loses his humanity BECAUSE of the ugliness and pettiness of war, because of that suffering, because of his own grief, because of injustice, because of bad leadership, because violence simply begets violence. And it also completely ignores the larger and overarching idea in the Iliad that death and glory, suffering and good fortune go hand in hand. And that this doesn't only apply to good and noble Priam and Hector, but also (you guessed it) to Achilles, in this final scene which is a moment of shared humanity between "enemies" and one of the most poignant in the epic.

Anyway. To conclude this tangent, no, I do not believe that Achilles simply does what his momma tells him to do, nor does he wine and dine Priam for the hell of it. I believe that this is the most depressed, resigned and desolate we see Achilles in the entire poem, a man simply awaiting his death with nothing really to look forward to in life, but who still retains his humanity and treats the people around him with the dignity and respect they deserve.

I hope this answered your question!

[cirilla-fiona-riannon]

Kicho's Birthday Story 2023

Translations may not always capture the exact nuances or tone of the original text. Expect grammatical errors.

This is just a rough translation.

As November began, the breath of the people passing by on the street started to cloud up.

Everyone was dressed in thick clothing, all in a hurry to reach their destinations.

Among them was Kicho, walking while flipping his white coat.

(If I recall correctly, the next business meeting is一hm?)

Child 1: "Hey, can you lend it to me now?"

Child 2: "No! Go away!"

I turned my gaze towards the bickering voices and saw two children fighting in front of a shop.

Child 1: "Hey, Dad, he's been hogging the toy since earlier."

Man: "Come on, you two have to play nicely. I bought that toy for both of you to share."

Child 2: "No way! This is mine."

With that, the older-looking child clutched the toy.

Listening to the lively exchange, the shopkeeper peeked out from the back of the store.

Shopkeeper: "Well, it seems that he really took a liking to it."

Man: "It's always like this. This kid is really possessive. I should've bought two from the beginning."

Shopkeeper: "Haha, thank you as always."

(I see. These kids are young, so it's hard for them to share something.)

(Possessiveness, huh?)

Subordinate 1: "Good work, Lord Kicho."

Kicho: "Yeah."

After returning to the trading post, my subordinate approached me and asked me about the planned business negotiation.

Subordinate 1: "May I ask you something?"

Kicho: "Sure. What is it?"

Subordinate 1: "I've been curious for a while now, but where did you buy the brush you're using?"

Kicho: "This one?"

I looked down at the brush in my hand.

The glossy brush handle was easy to grip, and the bristles absorbed the ink just right. It was clearly a high-quality item.

Kicho: "I didn't buy it myself. It was a gift from a business client."

Subordinate 1: "I see. You always have it with you, so I thought you really liked it."

Kicho: "Well, it's not like I'm particularly attached to it."

(If someone asks if I actually like it, that's not really the case.)

(I kept using it because the other party was pleased when they saw me using it.)

(Come to think of it, this guy mentioned quitting this job and returning to his hometown recently.)

(Then there's no need to continue using this one in particular.)

Kicho: "Do you like it?"

Subordinate 1: "Huh? Yes, it's a really nice brush."

Kicho: "I see. Then you can have it."

Subordinate 1: "Are you sure? Thank you so much!"

With an almost jumping-for-joy expression, the subordinate accepted the brush, bowed deeply, and left the room.

Subordinate 2: "Are you really sure about that, Lord Kicho?"

Kicho: "It's fine. It's not like I had a strong attachment to it."

Kicho: "He'll cherish it more than I would. If the brush becomes that person's master, then it's for the best."

Subordinate 2: "I see. With how happy he was, he'll probably treat it like a family heirloom."

Subordinate 2: "I don't think he would even allow anyone else to touch it."

Kicho: "Yeah."

(Now that I think about it, this is also somewhat akin to possessiveness.)

That night--

Kicho: "Is this the last one?"

I moved the documents I had just finished processing to the side of my desk and finished my tea.

After taking a deep breath, I looked around the room.

As the head of the trading post, my office was filled with personal stuff and items that had belonged to my predecessor.

(They are all easy to use, and I don't dislike any of them.)

(But if something breaks, I would throw it away, and if someone asks for them, I would give them away.)

(There's nothing that I must hold on to.)

(I suppose it's my way of doing things.)

Speaking of, I had never had the experience of being attached to something since I was young.

I didn't have any memories of being given something I could be attached to, either.

(I...)

Mai: "Kicho, are you still awake?"

Kicho: "Mai? What's wrong?"

Mai: "Sorry for coming at such a late hour. I saw the lights were on, so I thought you might still be awake."

Mai: "Do you have a moment? I want to show you something."

Kicho: "Sure. What is it?"

Mai: "Hehe, thank you. It's this."

Mai took out a delicate brooch that she seemed to have sewn with small beads.

It was in the shape of a butterfly and emitted a deep, beautiful green glow.

Mai: "I'm going to wear this on my dress at your upcoming birthday party."

Mai: "I initially planned to make a gift, but when I thought of you, this idea came to mind."

Kicho: "Me?"

Mai: "Because your name has the character for 'butterfly' in it."

Mai: "It became something special for me, so I wanted to wear it myself."

Mai: "It's weird. When I associate it with you in my mind, it suddenly feels very special, and the next moment, I want to make it mine."

Kicho: "Mai."

My heart beat a little faster at Mai's slightly embarrassed words.

Mai: "Sorry for saying something so possessive."

Mai: "Of course, I'm also thinking of a proper gift for you!"

Kicho: "Thank you. I appreciate all your feelings."

(That possessiveness...)

I quietly put away the joy that seeped into my heart and stood up.

Kicho: "By the way, you must be tired from working until late at night. How about some tea before going to sleep?"

Mai: "I'm so happy! Thank you."

Mai sat down with a smile, and I reached for the shelf to get a teacup.

At that moment, I saw her happy expression reflected through the cabinet door.

Her appearance, gazing at the newly finished butterfly brooch, was so adorable that the emotions that had just settled inside me welled up again.

(I see. So that's how it was.)

(I've had it for a long time.)

(I continued to immerse myself in this happiness that I couldn't recall for a moment.)

I have stronger possessiveness than anyone else.

And it is solely focused on one thing.

(Hm?)

Suddenly, our eyes met at the cabinet glass door.

Mai: "Is something wrong?"

Kicho: "Even though you're with me, you keep staring at that butterfly. It's making me jealous."

Mai: "Huh? Um..."

Kicho: "What is it?"

Mai: "It doesn't feel like jealousy."

Kicho: "Is that so? Then how do I act when I'm jealous?"

Mai: "That's..."

She thought for a moment, furrowing her eyebrows in a puzzled manner.

Mai: "I don't know."

Kicho: "I see."

(It seems like I've managed to keep it from showing too much.)

Kicho: "You don't need to look so worried. You'll understand it in time."

Kicho: "We'll be together for a long time, so you should be able to see through it eventually."

Mai: "O-Okay."

Kicho: "What's wrong? Why does your expression darken there?"

Mai: "Because I don't want to make you jealous enough for me to understand."

Mai: "I wouldn't like it if someone did the same thing to me, you see."

Kicho: "----!"

I turned to face Mai, taken aback by her words.

My chest tightened as I gazed at her with a somewhat melancholic expression.

Kicho: "You're right. I'd probably feel the same way."

Mai: "Nn."

With the teacup still in my hand, I leaned in and kissed her.

Just feeling her warmth directly on my lips, the possessiveness I had just become aware of grew stronger.

(Even though we're already in a relationship, I still want more.)

(What can I do?)

During a brief pause in our kiss, something gleamed in the corner of my eye.

(That’s it.)

On the day of my birthday, a modest celebration had been planned at Mai’s suggestion.

Mai: “Kicho, sorry to keep you waiting.”

Kicho: “No, my apologies. It’s not even the appointed time yet.”

Mai: “It’s okay. I’m glad we got a moment alone.”

Mai: “I wanted to see you in that suit, so I planned today’s celebration. I’m happy to have you all to myself, even if it’s just for a little while.”

Kicho: “I see. In that case, we share the same feelings.”

(She looks so beautiful today. I almost don’t want to show her to my subordinates and guests.)

Upon receiving my compliments, she smiled.

Mai: “Hehe. Do you remember? Not long ago, we stood here alone like this.”

Kicho: “Yeah, of course.”

(Back then, we weren’t lovers.)

(We were enemies一no, we were like distant beings who even hid that fact.)

When I faced Mai, the butterfly brooch on her chest shone.

It was something that hadn’t existed in our memories before, and it clearly indicated that our relationship had changed.

(Perhaps it’s a bit greedy to ask for more than this.)

Kicho: “I asked you to come early tonight because I wanted to give you something.”

Mai: “Eh?”

I presented the gift that I’d hidden on my back in front of Mai.

What was in my hand was a beautiful pair of shoes adorned with butterfly decorations.

Kicho: “Tonight, I’d like you to dance in these.”

Kneeling in front of my beautiful beloved, I took off her original shoes and replaced them with the ones I had held in my hands.

(Just as I thought. They look perfect on her.)

Mai: "Kicho, why did you give me this?"

Kicho: "You wanted to wear it, right?"

Mai: "But it's not even my birthday, yet I received this wonderful gift."

Kicho: "That's exactly why."

(You don't need to know yet. My feelings have no limits.)

The butterfly ornament on the tip of the shoes shone beautifully, concealing the boundless possessiveness that resided within.

(This butterfly will stay on her toes as she continues to walk to the place where my heart sways.)

(Just that alone fills my heart beyond measure.)

Kicho: "I wanted to give it to you because it's my birthday. Was it wrong?"

Mai: "No, not at all!"

Mai: "It's just that these shoes are so lovely that they raised the bar for the gift I had prepared for you."

Kicho: "Don't worry about it. Any gift from you will make me happy. You understand that, right?"

Mai: "Yes."

I stood up and gently embraced her.

(I already have in my arms what I desire more than anything else.)

(This fact will never change in the future.)

Mai: "Kicho, happy birthday."

Mai: "I received something wonderful first, but I have prepared many things for you too."

Kicho: "Yeah, I look forward to it."

With a soft smile, I leaned in, and Mai reciprocated with a smile.

I lightly lowered my eyes, and she slowly closed her eyes and brought her face closer.

(I can assure you that this love has brought me happiness.)

(And from now on, you will continue to teach me happiness.)

Our lips touched, like the merging of our emotions, and our hearts began to melt.

(I've finally obtained the only thing that belongs to me alone.)

(I'll continue to love you and hold you in my arms forever.)

[dream-bee-baby]

MATCHUP EXCHANGE — HOTD & JJK

I am super excited to do this exchange thank you so much again and I can’t wait to see the results!

MISC: For HOTD, I would prefer to be matched with a male character and preferably the targaryens if that’s something you can do ofc :) and for JJK, I’m fine with anyone as long as they aren’t minors (this also goes for HOTD).

My name is Jaxrel! People mostly use “Jax” as a nickname for me which is perfectly fine! I go by many other names like Ian, Alex, Levi, etc. I go by he/him pronouns, i’m a (trans)male, and im bisexual with more of a male preference. I’m an aquarius. chaotic neutral/evil. choleric-sanguine, morally-grey. ENTP, extrovert (but also introverted as well). enneagram-4w3, and a Slyffindor. :D

PERSONALITY:

Σ੧(❛□❛✿) I'm very extroverted but I also have introvert traits as well. My personality is very unique but also a bit hard to describe. I'm very confident, straightforward and I have a sense of justice for myself (I have a urge to correct someone of faulty information), uses "big" words, good sense of humor, playful, entertaining, optimistic, mischievous, curious(l'm nosy and I love gossip/drama), I can be a rule breaker(sometimes don't mean to). l'm extremely independent, when comfortable I talk about a lot of stuff for hours, loud talker (I can also be really quiet to the point where no one around me can hear), emotions come off as sarcastic or silly due to autism). I’m also pretty monotone/nonchalant and blunt(unintentionally). As for my sense of humor I can be sometimes crude. l'm a very chill and intelligent person but some people would say I have some "repressed anger issues, get a reallyyy overractive Brain, tend to get deep and philosophical when I'm left on my own for to long, I can be verbally aggressive when prevoked. Usually when I meet people I come off as awkward and shy and sometimes even distant and cold but l'lI get comfortable with them soon enough. Usually at first I can come off as cold and calculative in demeanor but it can get mixed up for me being arrogant or detached from people around me. l'm always there for someone no matter what. I'm the dad friend. When I go out I always bring water bottles, first aid kit, chapsticks (pretty much anything you can think of). I have a lot of social awareness but i often intentionally act in a rash and unapologetic way because personally i do not care at all for social norms or rules. As l'm the dad friend (also the therapist friend too) l've been told give a lot of good advice and im also a very good listener too. I tend to take risks for my curiosity or if it’s for something I really have to know. Here’s more information about me

MISC:

(^з^)-☆ I've been diagnosed with a lot of disorders such as Autism, ADHD, Schizophrenia, BPD + etc, it's hard especially with my Autism, sadly a lot of these run in my family unfortunately and I gotten a lot of them, I'm prone to psychosis / delusions and sometimes it happens in episodes that can last for months. I also get really mad if people piss me off which goes for my repressed anger issues. I love texting with kaomojis and silly little emoticon thingies :D. I’ve been compared to Victor Nikiforov a lot because of how cheerful can be and from what I know I don't seem to understand -or even care about-conventional social norms. I also have that rock star charm. And as an extra I can always dazzle woman and men alike without a single glance). Clumsy (accidentally + sometimes purposely). Misuses slangs or common phases. Im able to pick up new skills relativity easy. I can sometimes point out the most oblivious things and sometimes miss so many details. Prone to be a bit directionless in life and prone to bad luck but try to find humor in most situations. I approach life to live a life of varied experiences, not take life too seriously, to not dwell on the past. I’m comfortable with confrontation and I don’t shy away from conflict (I often meet heated conflict with a snarky/condescending smile, a bit combative with authority and those who irritate me) but is generally easygoing, even-tempered, logical, intelligent (as I said previously…), not sentimental, does not hold onto regrets, good at self-reflection, generally does things out of self-interest but willingly helps others out occasionally. Affectionate with loved ones, very teasing(only if I know that they don’t mind), I wanna be a youtuber / twitch streamer who games a lot and reacts to vocaloid songs, true crime, etc… My lucky colors are all shades of yellow, gold and green. My lucky gems are moonstone, cats-eye, peral and any kind of white stone, my lucky bontanicals are elder, blackberrys, hops, juniper, linseed, grapes and all types of fruit juices.

KINS:

Σ੧(❛□❛✿) hiyori tomoe (enstars), yoosung kim (mystic messenger), jumin han (mystic messenger), hanako (tbhk), felix kranken (twf), albedo (genshin impact), shoya ishida (a silent voice), tom (eddsworld). eridan (homestuck), karkat (homestuck), shu itsuki (enstars), miyamura izumi (horimiya), michael afton (FNAF), william afton (FNAF), lolbit (FNAF), mangle (FNAF), natsume sakasaki (enstars), sora harukawa (enstars), urumi akamaki (alice in borderland), V (mystic messenger), hagumi kitazawa (bandori), argenti (honaki star rail), matsubara kanon (bandori), shinji ikari (neon genesis evangelion), kanade uryuu (platinum end), minami kotobuki (oshi no ko), lain iwakura (serial experiments lain), hajime hinata (danganronpa), k-angel (needy streamer overdose) and more.

KINS I RELATE TO THE MOST:

Σ੧(❛□❛✿) Victor Nikiforov (Yuri On Ice), Tei (Nameless), Cutthroat (Akudama Drive, Except the Bloodlust cutthroat has.), Gu Won (King The Land), Ranpo Edogawa (Bungo Stray Dogs), Dazai Osamu (Bungo Stray Dogs), Space Ishtar (Fate), Okita Souji (Fate), Langa Hasegawa (Sk8 The Infinity), Sherlock Holmes (TGAA), Suguru Niragi (Alice In Borderland), Mira Kano (Alice In Borderland), Aguni (Alice In Borderland), Shuntaro Chishiya (Alice In Borderland), Takeru Danma (Alice In Borderland), Zack (Final Fantasy 7), William James Moriarty (Moriarty The Patriot), Vash The Stampede (Trigun), Roy Mustang (Fullmetal Alchemist), Otonashi Yuzuru (Angel Beats), Karma Akabane (Assassination Classroom), Mafuyu Asahina (Project Sekai: Colorful Stage), Vanitas (Study Case of Vanitas), Zoe Hange (AOT), Shinoa Hiragi (Seraph of The End) + more

HOBBIES:

Σ੧(❛□❛✿) gaming, anthropology pathology, theology, zoology, music, dancing, filmmaking, art (drawing, painting, pottery, digital art, etc), learning different instruments/languages, cosplaying, skateboarding, tabletop RPG's, taking pictures of things that I think are pretty, collecting figurines/stuffed animals and puppetry, science/history, soccer(football)/volleyball/ basketball, skating and swimming, cooking/baking, art is definitely my main hobby I dedicate a lot of time to it, I can play 5 instruments which is the piano, cello, koto and bass/electric guitar, I know 6 languages and I'm learning more right now (which are hindi, german, thai, portuguese, cantonese and chinese if your interested).

HOBBIES MISC:

Σ੧(❛□❛✿) I love gaming a lot and I play a lot of survival horror games, role-playing games, visual novels, etc, spent a lot of my money on games for my nintendo, Ps5 and computer. I play too much on roblox and basically during my freetime when I'm not studying other things I like/OR for school I'm usually in my gaming seat playing away and eating junk food. The games I really enjoy playing is roblox, class of 09, needy streamer overdose, honaki impact 3rd, omori, any rhythm games, any horror games and etc… I also like writing and reading a lot, including with a studying new things with history, languages, etc. I love taking naps too and I also enjoy watching youtube (my favorite youtubers are flamingo, berleezy, kub scoutz, markiplier, benoftheweek, funkyfrogbait, etc). This also includes with me liking to watch movies as well, same goes for tv shows, animes, asian dramas, etc.. (I also tend to rewatch a lot but not too much; like watching the harry potter movies, any of the marvel movies, horror movies, etc). I've been told I'm a very good dancer! I do belly dancing and I also do hiphop dancing as well. I've been in a lot of sports for years now since I was little (thank you to my mother for forcing me :,D) and now I'm in so many! and l've won a lot of rewards and I've been to a couple championships all because of me.

LIKES:

Σ੧(❛□❛✿)Chocolate, Strawberries, Pizza, Iced Coffee and Boba Tea, Anime/ Manga, Music, Food, Winning in arguments online or irl, Reading, Cats, Sharks, Animals in general, Cold/or Rainy Weather, Shopping, Action or Romance movies, Kdrama(pretty much any asian dramas), Skincare + GWRM routines (I ENJOY doing those things, they make me feel so awake), Spicy & Sweet Food, Wax Candy, Chinese Takeout, Chicken(any kind of meat), Ramen.

MUSIC:

Σ੧(❛□❛✿) I LOVE music a lot. I'm a k/jpop stan, I listen to metal/rock a lot, I listen to vkei and vocaloid a lot too, this is also another genre I enjoy listening to but idk what to call it but it's similar to 6arelyhuman, Odetari, Kets4eki, etc (I make similar music to them and I’m a small vocaloid producer), I also listen to a lot of indie pop, rap music and scene music. I've been a really big lemon demon fan and I really like listening to any sad music too.

LOVE LANGUAGES:

Σ੧(❛□❛✿)Gift-Giving, Physical Touch, Quality time. You wouldn’t know how much I enjoy it when someone gifts me something I love/like a LOT, for example like getting me cherry pepsis, energy, arizona tea, etc and anything food/drink related or even giving me plushies, chocolate strawberries or even a sanrio plushie bouquet I’ll be over the moon and it makes me feel like I’m loved. I’m pretty clingy when I’m not doing anything ngl, I love physical touch as much as I love receiving gifts, I love hugging my beloveds close to me and lay my head on their shoulder, I’ll also listen to my partner and everything! They’ll get whatever they want from me since I would throw my money to get them what they want and I’ll just be there for them. I love going out whenever I can, I love aquariums a lot and o would love to have those kind of dates, I enjoy shopping too, like for clothes, merch, books, etc, I’ll probably spend my entire life’s savings on those things.

APPEARANCE:

Σ੧(❛□❛✿) l'm pretty tall l'm 5'9 right now and l'm on the very skinny side / very slender. I'm half Polish and half West Asian (Iraqi). People usually get confused and a lot I get questions if I'm from Hawaii, Brazil or Mexico (even though I’m not from either of those country’s I’m happy that people think that), I have dyed black hair. My hair is pretty short (but a little long only going down my neck a few inches) but I get a lot of compliments for it. When I get out of bed from sleeping my hair is always looking like a mess (psst I also have bangs too. Ive been told I look both masculine and feminine). I’ve also been told that I look a lot like those hot webtoon characters. I have piercings (one in (?) my nose, two on the bottom of my lips, and a couple more on both of my ears). I want a tattoo so bad, If I ever get one it would be on the side of my belly and it would be a spider tattoo. I have a dimple on my chin and I have hazel almond eyes.

AESTHETIC/CLOTHING STYLE:

Ok so this is definitely what makes me unique to people other than my personality, my fashion extends to gyaruo (hime gal, himekaji, agejo, rokku, manba, banba, kogal, tsuyome, and kigurumi), goth (trad goth, romantic goth, mall goth, cyber goth, and victorian goth), scenemo/emo (ofc), & Y2K, shoujo, jirai kei, vkei, ouji and lolita, suits (+ MORE). I only wear all these outfits in a more masculine way on so many days, but I sometimes wear some feminine as well (usually going for gyaru, scenemo, lolita, jiari kei, etc, especially hime gyaru omfg). I usually wear these fashion outfits whenever I’m in school, when i'm out somewhere, during my job, or just to look cool. Whenever I'm not in my crazy outfits I'm usually dressed in my "IDGAF" outfits by that I mean are like pj pants and a black shirt, usually I look like I'm alternative whenever I'm not dressed, I wear a lot of jeans, sweatshirts, etc.

HOTD INFO:

Σ੧(❛□❛✿) I’m definitely from a royal family (I think House Martell would be perfect for me). I would also come from a different house (this is a made-up house but I feel like it would be perfect to add in here) and that other house is also very powerful as much as the other royal houses, it’s located in a very dark/gloomy place and it’s away from the villages and it’s castle is more gothic looking and large, with this I would be from two different royal houses. Even though I wouldn’t have so much Targaryen blood in me I was able to claim one of the most powerful dragons known. I would be a really good political person and can possibly win for either side or somehow keep peace with them while they’ll get whatever they want, it would be simple for me. I would totally wear a lot of ouji / vkei in this universe as well, I’d be called a dark prince due to how much gothic-looking clothes I would wear for sure, but I would also have the cutest wardrobe ever too, since I wear a lot of pink as well I would have the best dresses too, just I wouldn’t wear them so often. I also think that I would be king material as well… honestly I would make a really good king if I think about it. Though, in this universe I think I would be more manipulative and cruel (but at the bare minimum + it’s only towards naïve strangers). I’d definitely be many things while being royal (historian, philosopher, poet, writer, counsellor AND adviser).

Thank you so much again! I cant wait :)

House of the Dragon:

I ship you with Aemon Targaryen! I wasn't even done reading your info before I paired you two together. I think Aemond is the perfect balance of dangerous and stable for you

Aemond would definitely wait awhile before introducing you to Vhagar, but the two of you would get along well. She's a war dragon and incredibly ancient, so ultimately Vhagar is going to do what she wants. She also sees these traits in you, she would trust you to respect her and her wisdom. You and Aemond would ride around whenever you were both available. Maybe even setting some things on fire for funsies

You help bring Aemond out of his shell, encourage him to live a little. Since he's hesitant to show vulnerability around his family, especially his brother, the two of you alone is when he really shines. Spending time trading knowledge and books in the library, he would love to see you out in the gardens painting. You would even be able to capture Vhagar's beauty and you two would bond one on one

I think Aemond would love to learn some of the languages you know as well. Obviously he speaks both english and high valyrian, you wouldn't even have to ask. He'd just start speaking to you in another language just to make sure you feel seen. He'd also totally make sure you had all the instruments you could ever want in the house. If anyone was ever caught complaining about the noise, he'd instantly hurt them

When Aemond cares and is dedicated about something, he has the patience despite feeling confused. I think sometimes you would baffle him, both with your contrasting personality traits and with your mental health struggles (obviously this isn't exactly things they would regard back then). But I think Aemond would really be willing to support you the best he can. If you ever suffered a long episode he would make sure important things were around you (food, water, comfort items, etc). I think he would remain quiet, not knowing what to say, but he'd never leave your side. He'd read to you and tell you all about his family drama

I don't think Aemond is one for heavily fancy things, but he'd get you anything you wanted. It would perhaps find it strange you like children's toys (that's how he would regard plushies and such), and he wouldn't want them on the bed but he'd make sure you were stacked. Commissioning people to create plushies or toys of Vhagar, your personal dragon, etc. He'd encourage you to express yourself however you want, if his family had a problem with it they'd have to take it up with his dragon

He isn't good with words but he still makes things incredibly intimate. Lighting candles/incense of your favorite scents, visiting your home as often as you'd like, lightly playing with your hair or caressing the skin his hand was on/around. He would feel respected and comforted by you. Being both gentle and caring but honest with him. You'd be partners in crime, balancing both cruelty and deciding it's not worth your energy. The two of you are always learning how to better understand, read, and support each other. Creating an eternally engaging and loving relationship

Jujustu Kaisen:

I ship you with Takuma Ino! He's not super popular, but I had a good feeling about the two of you together

Ino carries immense respect for those more experienced around him, as seen with Nanami. He did not want to advance to level 1 without Nanami's approval. He's very upbeat, dedicated, and loving.

Depending on who he is around, Ino has the complexity to be more fun and youthful or be more quiet and responsible. I think this is also a good match for you. Ino is able to make things very fun and loving, even in serious situations. I think (and I could be wrong) it would help you feel grounded. Having someone who is both caring but casual can help things feel more calming

I think the only potential conflict is he's very ethical, he thinks things should be done the best way possible. But unfortunately, not everything can be done without bloodshed. You would definitely tell him the upfront truth of what needs to be done, which also helps him remain safe. He finds a way to keep innocent people safe, but you can do the more dirty work to make sure that the threat is properly exterminated and his life isn't in any additional danger

He strikes me as someone with many hobbies, perhaps he jumps from project to project. The two of you would definitely bond over your unique and many interests. Ino would have lots of different training equipment scattered around with your instruments, maybe even timing his breathing or movements to the pace of your playing

Ino struggles with some self confidence and I think you're perfect for him in that sense. You're sure of yourself, your taste, and how much you care for him. It would help him gain confidence in himself and avoid insecurity in your relationship. He loves to see your different styles, although he is very simple and minimalist he loves seeing you happy and confident

He'd help you dye your hair, maybe help do diy piercings or pay for your new ones. He'd help clean up and care for you if you were ever struggling. I don't think he experiments with his own fashion, but I think he'd be willing to do some subtle matching emo looks as he wears all black. I think you two are very sunshine and moon pairing. He'd love kissing your chin dimple and would make you breakfast. He'd buy a fancy coffee machine and get all the flavor syrups you'd ever want. He'd make you drinks whenever you wanted, in the mornings while he brewed your coffee he'd move your bangs and hair back into place after it got messed up while sleeping

[ninja-muse]

2023 Reading Wrap-up

I feel like this year was pretty average in terms of my reading. Some great books, some awful books, a lot of books in the middle. And while I feel as if I kept hitting slumps, I don’t think my stats really reflect that. I kept reading and even though I didn’t hit my goal of 140 books, that’s more because I read more thick and dense books, spent more time writing, and am one year further from the direness of 2020 and 2021.

This also seems to have been the year of T. Kingfisher for me (and also Ursula Vernon). I read several of her horror novels, as well as Digger and a bunch of the ebooks she makes free for patrons, which are really easy go-tos when you want something light and right now. I was kind of surprised when I realized she was my top author because usually that’s Seanan McGuire.

And I read more ebooks in general, because why should I wait for two months for the library to get a physical book in circulation when I can wait two weeks for it to come in on Libby? I’m still trying to reserve Libby use for lighter, faster, less involved books, because I tend to end up skimming a little more and there’s something about physical paper that helps me retain info better when the text is dense.

Now, stats! Yearly total: 128, excluding rereads and picture books Queer books: 44 (34%) Authors of colour: 15 (11.7%) Books by women: 74.5 (58%) Authors outside the binary: 7.5 (5.8%) Canadian authors: 14 (10.9%) Off the TBR shelves: 39 (30.4%) Books hauled: 41 ARCs acquired: 57 ARCs unhauled: 60 DNFs: 9 Rereads: 3 Picture Books: 6

If you look at last year’s stats and the year before’s, I’m pretty much holding steady in terms of my diverse reading—a little more than a third queer, about 60% female and 10% Canadian, around 6% gender-diverse authors. I’m way down on authors of colour though, and I didn’t hit my stretch goal of 20 Canadians, so those are things I’ll have to pay attention to in the year to come. It would be nice if I could manage more queer books too, but that’s not something I’m going to try for quite as much.

Two of my reading goals for the year were to read more books from my TBR than I acquired, and to keep my ARC levels about even. Seems like I pretty much hit them! I expect that 2024 will see fewer book acquisitions because a lot of my 2023 haul was bookstore visits with my dad and we’ve now hit pretty much every store in the city. I was honestly kind of surprised that my ARC problem stands where it does. I was so sure that I was going to have at least 10 more incoming books than outgoing. Go me! My spring ARC purge really, really helped.

I did all right on the rest of my reading goals. All but one book read (The Great Cat Massacre), which was the real point of the list! I only managed to finish one StoryGraph challenge, if you don’t count my pages goal, and as always I failed to read as many classics as I wanted. I’m starting to suspect I’m not a classics person, despite my interest in history and historical fiction. If anyone has classics recs for me, let me know?

To be completely honest, though, I'm not sure I'm going to continue posting to Tumblr. I pretty much stopped updating my feed in the summer and I've felt more relaxed, both in terms of Things To Do Each Day but also in terms of my reading. When I was more active on here, I felt pressured to read diversely at all times and though I try to have a healthy spread of perspectives, I know that I generally don't and am therefore a bad person by Tumblr standards. I am curious what my mutuals have been getting up to this year so please, sound off! And let me know if you do want to see reviews and wrap-ups continue here.

(Friendly reminder that I'm ninjamuse on Storygraph and LibraryThing, if you'd like to follow me there.)

And if anyone’s interested, here are the rest of my year’s highlights:

Top Five Fiction (not ranked)

The Hollow Places - T. Kingfisher

Menewood - Nicola Griffith

Bookshops and Bonedust - Travis Baldree

A Half-Built Garden - Ruthanna Emrys

The Adventures of Amina Al-Sirafi - Shannon Chakraborty

Top Five Non-Fiction (not ranked)

Magisteria - Nicholas Spencer

Diary of a Misfit - Casey Parks

Evidence of Things Seen - Sarah Weinman, editor

Lay Them to Rest - Laurah Norton

Like Every Form of Love - Padma Viswanathan

Most Impressed By:

Shubeik Lubeik - Deena Mohamed

Diary of a Misfit - Casey Parks

The Hands of the Emperor by Victoria Goddard

A Half-Built Garden - Ruthanna Emrys

Most Disappointing:

Tortilla Flat - John Steinbeck

British Columbiana - Josie Teed

A Killing in Costumes - Zac Bissonette

Tauhou - Kōtuku Titihuia Nuttall

Longest Book: The Hands of the Emperor - Victoria Goddard

Best queer book: Diary of a Misfit - Casey Parks

Did I beat 2022? No. Did I beat my Best Year Ever? No. That would be 2021. Did I read more classics? Not even close. Did I read more Canadians? No. I held about steady. Did I whittle my TBR shelves down any? No. Was it a good reading year? Probably about average?

Breakdowns by month:

January February March April May June July August September October November December

[markiafc]

curiously and politely paging @fancifulpurposelesslovely to ask about summer sons thoughts, if that's okay!

in particular, the andrew/sam power dynamic + what that means for their relationship post-canon, because i think we both picked up on the same undertones in the text but came to different interpretations. and i'm just intrigued to poke more at your take and hear more about it.

on my end, the baseline of it is, i think andrew's passiveness and his over-reliance on a second party to act as his lighthouse is present throughout the events of the book. he expresses this desire explicitly and implicitly, to be owned, leashed, and led. and i've always seen it as a result of trauma more than anything else, relating to the cavern and therefore to eddie as well. i often think andrew's arc is about many things, but one of the top things is that he's learning to be a real boy. instead of being half a human being, living only a small portion of personhood. the way he was after the cavern and early on in the book.

i think there's andrew grows a lot throughout and comes into his own; the eddie/andrew relationship feels like it is hardcore bdsm-coded but for two boys who don't know anything and they're just kids thrust into this dynamic to cope, and even eddie seems to become miserable and burdened by having to carry andrew through life. it feels like to me he really did want that space away from andrew. he really wanted to have a world, a time with things he forged in nashville just for himself, albeit temporarily. the cavern is this thing that forced them both into this shape and they never got the help to learn another way of being, no matter how miserable it made them amidst the intimacy and love.

and the story is, to me, andrew slowly expanding his horizons, unearthing parts of himself and his life that he had been cut off from, and finally getting a feel for who he really is, a complete andrew blur. he discovers and accesses his sexuality for the first time, both sexual sensibilities and his sex drive. and unlike with eddie, he lets himself engage with his agency as a human being; he breaks into a whole new world through sam, and finds that he's able to have a different kind of dynamic with him, finds that he can grasp at his anger and annoyance at being ordered around and act on it. theres no need to make himself do what sam wants just because sam wants it, and he feels comfortable delivering a rejection. ("i'm not your bitch so tell him yourself.")

the cavern stunted him as a person and eddie too, and there's a throughline there about overlooked childhood trauma. especially for male queer victims in a suburban setting, already expected to be social and sexually active with women and drug-using.

character arc-wise, and mostly centering andrew blur, i've always thought he would outgrow the heavily codependent dynamic he had with eddie, where his primary role in life was to act as eddie's right hand man of sorts, everything eddie wants eddie gets, and andrew blur exists to provide a personal service to eddie fulton. hobbies, academics, careers, relationships, every sector of his life he has developed not for himself but in devotion of someone else. someone he was forced to become metaphorical bride to at 12.

post-canon, after andrew's matured and come into his own, i imagine he can bring these new parts of himself into the relationship with sam, things he never had with eddie. and it would be different, something straying further from bdsm dynamics.

and this got real long, but i'm curious because i feel like you know more about the bdsm side of things better than i do. and my own is pretty rudimentary, so andrew never struck me as someone who is submissive and enjoys it.

this is not to say sam/andrew don't have those vibes, they soo do, andrew/eddie were 10000% like that in practice, and andrew definitely has the submissive markers. though to me, he embodied that role, developed those traits and lived that life with eddie due do a unique set of traumatic circumstance.

so, no hate or judgement, i just wanted to share and wanted to hear more about this book. especially from a different perspective, when i feel like we both did read the same book and saw the same things. i'm more than happy to trade takes.

open invitation to talk about this book and the andrew/sam power dynamics, basically!

[summitclan-chronicles]

Hello!! I hope you're having a good day :) I just have a couple questions about things since these are very new systems to me! Firstly, would you be able to share any more details about being assigned an age range based on experience? Mostly I'm curious on what the age ranges are / mean (for example, are senior characters retirees or are they just older warriors?) I'm also wondering if there's any flexibility with that - for example two characters that would fit great as littermates but one person was assigned the warrior age range and one was assigned senior...! I know you said these are large ranges but I'd love to know more about them, almost every rp I've been in before involved making characters prior to joining the server so I'm super curious.

Also, this might be looking way too far into the future haha, but how do kits functioning as adopts work in the event that someone isn't able to remain in the server? Like, would people be able to keep the designs they're given or are they only to be used in the server since they have traits based on their parents. And would their be an option for former members to let their characters be adopted by new members or members without characters if they don't see their story ending just yet?

Apologies for the wall of text!! I'm super curious about these systems especially since it seems like you've put a lot of thought into them! Excited to see where this rp goes :)

Hi there! I am, and I hope you are too!!

First, age ranges:

Youngans are cats between 2 and 18 months of age. (this covers summitclan's equivalent to kittens and apprentices)

Warriors are between 18 months and 6 years of age.

Seniors are between 6 and 12 years of age. (for now, 12 is as old as you can make your character!)

Regarding the littermates question, I think we were on the same wavelength because I spent an entire Target trip obsessively thinking about this hoping someone would ask about it. AND THEN THIS HAPPENED!

The age ranges given to players are loose - if two cats in side-by-side age ranges (youngan/warrior or warrior/senior) are compatible as littermates, you can totally doink down or up a peg to unite them. But youngans & seniors can't swap for each other! And if the age you made your character needs to be adjusted for that to happen, just let me know so I'm aware of the change! (and as a reminder, everything is open for editing until the character's first post!)

Seniors are defined as cats that are old enough to be  considered wise and experienced; this can be a perception ranging from a well loved uncle/teacher to the village grandmother. They aren't really considered retirees until 9 years, but if they're doing the Creme Puff thing they don't always have to. Between 6 and 9, they're mostly looked to as secondary mentors, pools of field-wisdom and folks to come to when you need advice.

Life in the mountain is as full of love as it is brutally hard at times, and by 9 years cats are pretty worn down. But they spend their golden seasons being celebrated and served by the younger cats, and advising those they are surrounded by.

And hey, looking into the future makes the now more secure! I love far-flung questions! I actually answered a similar question just now, but repetition is key --

As long as a cat is active in Summitclan's canon, they need to have their canon design in depictions considered canon. But once they die or leave permanently? It's free real estate. Do what you like, change whatever! Or you can keep everything the same and mould them to the roleplay they join next. They're your kitty!

... But something I didn't mention in the last one (see why I encourage repetition? Even I need it!) is that if you're doodling something noncanon you can be as bonkers as you like. This is how I was sketching Arrowseeker for one of the ads:

About adopting characters... that's difficult to say, because anyone that knows the character particularly well would already have characters of their own. Anyone without a character would be a newcomer and not know them very well.

But I don't want to give that answer prematurely. I'm going to wait until it happens, and discuss it with the people involved!

NO PROBLEM on walls of text!! I love talking about Summitclan and what it entails! I love that people are interested, it makes my heart full of happy!!!

[aghhtdraws]

Are you still in the jade armor fandom? :0/gen

Hello! Sorry for replying to this so late!

Basically, the "fandom" as such or fanbase has been so small online, that to me I was not sure it existed even xD But yes! I am still a Jade fan :D Jade Armor is the best cartoon! It's not even that old to me, I just started watching it in the spring of 2023, when it started airing here again. So I've been a fan for just a year or so since march!

I'm curious where this question comes from!

Would be nice if there were more fans online, but honestly, I have always thought that maybe that's a monkey's paw wish - and that really, it's a bit nice exchange of fate in a way - that it seems that while the online fandom is small, perhaps the show has many offline fans, people actually watching it across multiple channels! (since it's available both on big channels like RTL, but also online in their online versions, maybe it just has many viewers from there)

and it's a fun show with a very cool style and premise, so I'm happy if it has fans at all, whether I actually see them online or not. So I haven't been very active in fandom spaces myself, mostly posting fanart online, because I just don't have time + energy as much for some fandom stuff anymore I guess xD

bc there's so few fancontent online, I really appreciate that the official jade armor insta has so much info and posts about it.

I've seen a lot of shows go under after it's been decided they're not profitable, or similarly, many fandoms sorta dwindle and become smaller after the show has been cancelled, so... it's nice to know that, if a 2nd season really has been put into production (as we've seen announced online), that the shareholders behind the show are willing to fund the studio to make another season. I'm really curious to see where they could be going with the story and characters, since the world and relationships they've shown feel really well-built, like they're real and there's history there. So I'm just happy to see if it will really be aired and that the team has put as much care and effort in as in the first season. I really like the show!

I might put up more fanart, since I've been doing sketches recently, but have been thinking of posting more fanfic too. The show should have at least one fanfic on AO3 (by me), but havent had time to finish more. I'm curious to see more but not really as sad about it since the fandom itself is still very new!

One thing I'd maybe like to personally change is like, make a small wikipedia for it? not on the current main fanwiki site, but just a small one for reference? and another thing is... the tvtropes page? TVtropes in general has so much misinfo sometimes since no one is obligated to keep refs and it's based on "fandom memory" haha... but it's so weird to me how much of the text there is ppl comparing Jade Armor to Miraculous, even tho they are such different shows after the first glance xD Seriously! you can make normal comparisons without letting ppl know how much you hate the other show xD

it's a similar situation to earlier fanbases like ppl comparing Winx vs WITCH, Jake Long vs Juniper Lee, The Book of Life vs Coco... it's as if online cartoon fans apparently just have nothing better to do than make their shows fight xD

lol sorry for the wall of text i've just been thinking abt this show a lot already and this is my way of answering your question I guess xD

Fingers crossed that the show has a build-up of fans, both offline and online!

[agentnatesewell]

hey there! generally speaking I'd come off anon for this but it's been a while since I've properly been on tumblr and I'm too lazy to recover my login info lol. but anyway, I just wanted to say that I really enjoy your blog and it's always a pleasure to read your thoughts and theories about N, as a fellow N mancer! hence why I'm sending you this ask, I haven't seen anyone bring this up yet so I'd love to know your thoughts!

but to get to the actual point of the ask, I've been replaying the N route in book 3 and exploring different choices and picked up on something interesting, I think. 👀 so when you're on the "no one learnt about the supernatural" branch, if you're sober when you come back to the warehouse, you can kiss N. and it really piqued my attention because the text describes the kiss as tasting metallic, which I feel was definitely an intentional choice of words. especially because from what I've noticed, Mishka generally doesn't often include descriptions of how the detective's LI "tastes" when describing kiss scenes and usually the descriptions focus on other sensations and emotions. in addition to this, the other aspect that really made me go hmm here is also the fact that if you ask N what they've been doing while waiting for the detective to come back, they ofc deflect the question and turn on the charm/suaveness and say something along the lines of "even a vampire has to have secrets".

so both of these little things combined really makes me wonder wtf they were doing?? now of course I'm not trying to jump to any nefarious or malicious conclusions or anything like that lol. but it's still definitely something to think about. like idk I wonder if they were drinking blood or doing something with blood?? it could be nothing ofc but I just can't seem to let go of the description of the metallic tasting kiss, it's been on my mind since I read that scene and it definitely feels like a very purposeful hint for something, I just don't know what. now I feel mildly unsettled lol, who knows what N route, X tier related angst Mishka has in store for us!! but idk maybe I'm also just focusing on it too much and overthinking stuff haha.

Hello friend!! If you ever do log in, please drop me a message! Thank you so much for being so lovely and nice! So happy you like the blog - crying about N is seriously one of my favorite things to do.

Going to put my answer being a cut since it’s long + spoilers

It’s so cool that upon replaying and trying the routes, that there are all of these pieces that really start coming together to create this multifaceted story. I’ve only done the Verda dinner with N, Tina dinner with A, and Verda/Tina with F (so, will be a similar scene to what you got! Curious how it’ll go with F). Luckily, a friend had sent me some screenshots of your detective comes home drunk so I do have some context!

I like where you’re going with this, I do the same thing - look at anything for a clue to what their tier x power is. And definitely see where you’re going here!

It seems to me that the detective caught N post-meal (and maybe slipping a bit, blood tastes differently to them, like something pleasant vs the more metallic taste the detective tasted). And N’s kiss was described in the beginning of the book but you’re so right, the way the kisses taste isn’t necessarily a feature of the scene. So, I think you’re also right that it’s deliberate - that usually N tastes like nectar but in this scene, they taste metallic.

With N’s whole … discomfort of being seen/known as a vampire, their wish for humanity and to be seen as human, I can see how maybe they’d not want to being up that their dinner was actually what is necessary to sustain them - their half ration of blood (they were hungry!). Now, we did have the breakfast scene but I’ve never noticed how N drank their blood (tell me where I’m missing it though! Just haven’t seen it!) … F is made to put it in a glass, A in the wine glass, M out of the pouch, but N? Idk!

And I think it pulled into their whole conversation about being a mystery and having their secrets (if you got that in your version!) … something they’re just not ready to fully commit to and share with the detective YET. Which is a parallel to speaking with Verda and Tina about it at dinner time. Since they were asked, and they were willing to answer the really uncomfortable questions to help the detective and their friend.

All such good thoughts!! Thank you so much for sharing them with me! It was really fun to think about. Let me know or you have anymore things to discuss! Hope you’re having a great day!

[calmlythrilling]

GET TO KNOW ME MEME

Name: Prinny, or on a very select few gaming platforms, Ele Pronouns: She/he/they Sexuality: I prefer to not label it Single/Taken: Taken, I think it's been 5 years? (i'm horrible with time)

THREE FACTS

- I technically made one singular game sprite for a pokemon fangame when I was in highschool. - I really like ciphers. I blame Gravity Falls, genuinely. The one cipher I've never seem to get right is Affine. It uses two different algebraic equations and it frustrates me to no end that I was in advanced math classes but never could properly understand how to use those equations. Every now and again I try again anyway to understand. Affine's my mortal enemy and I will defeat her one day. - I own like thirty different Olaf related Things. As in the Frozen snowman, yes. My favorite is this off putting garden gnome you could only nab at Kmart. Here's a picture of one if you're curious on what it looks like. I love talking about him.

EXPERIENCE

HOW LONG - Since out of the womb. I'm...almost not kidding, preschool age I did a lot of "playing pretend" and it was usually as pokemon with this one other pokemon obsessed kid, and at the time I was really obsessed with Chatot. Otherwise, my brother really liked starting up larp sessions with his nerf toys well into 7th grade I want to guess. For text based roleplay I'd have to guess when I was about 10 or so - parents gave me early access to facebook and at that time undertale was really popular.

WHAT PLATFORMS - Facebook was my first one, and then after that was either deviantart or minecraft - I don't really recall. After that I went to discord for rps and eventually twitter, and now I write on here!

BEST EXPERIENCE - Discord was really good functions wise if that makes sense(the organization you can put into it seperate chatrooms themed roleplays stuff like that) but I think I met the wrong group of people - they had it drilled into me for a WHILE that writing characters from canons was the equivalent of stealing someone else's stuff and you deserved to be bashed for doing such. You could only ever write and make ocs. If you wanted to write a canon character they endorsed just using the guy as a faceclaim and using a different name though! Twitter was where I have met my current friend group, and that has to count for something I think. Tumblr's has been the best in terms of people though.

MUSE TYPE

FEMALE OR MALE - Males. I guess my favorite types of characters tend to be men? As a kid I always loved the neurodivergent coded nerds or those that said they just say they were inventors, scientists, journalists, etc, or those labelled as evil/villains. The media I watch typically have these guys be men.

FLUFF, ANGST, OR SMUT - if anyone comes to me anymore about writing smut i think I'd just block them on the spot. I think otherwise I tend to write angst over fluff - even though writing angst can make me worry more over not writing properly, if that makes sense.

PLOT OR MEMES - memes. 100%. I can plot if needed but once that's been done I find myself having a lot of anxiety about "doing it right" and it's worse with plotted dynamics - I think I rush them because I know the end goal is X thing. With memes I find myself a lot less worried - I go with the flow and just writing on instinct and find myself more focused on getting the reply done and what could happen in the future - maybe this, or this, or this.

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES - I find myself writing longer replies whether I want to or not. For others, though, I just want a length I can respond to - I never really want people to both trying to match my length.

BEST TIME TO WRITE - I'm at my computer and phone a lot, so I think I'm pretty flexible? It's moreso however the day goes for me, if I end up sick or if my mood is really low or if I'm just mentally exhausted. So I can't really say for certain. I do have more struggles when it's winter though - seasonal depression issues - so hopefully when summer comes about it won't be so severe.

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSES? - Half of the time I don't like answering this - I don't like being told I'm just like my villain muses, my anxiety tries enough to convince me I'm a terrible person when I'm likely not, so for mental sanity I will be saying no in regards to those people. There's my other half of muses though that are like Stanford or Zane, that I'm a lot more comfortable with saying yes I am like them, even if just a little bit.

[snarlesofthesewers]

how'd snarles and snatcher get feels for eachother? Curious.

excuse my bad writing and wall of text (also things in this are definitely subject to change as im still working things out) first i wanna say this all takes place after hat kid enters the sewers, escapes, completes the rest of snatchers contracts, defeats him again as I've mentioned before snarles absolutely despised snatcher but also found amusement and pleasure out of annoying him snarles would go out of their way just to get snatchers attention by triggering his traps and picking fights with him whenever possible but as snarles continued to do this they started to become rather attached to his company at some point snarles would instead start leaving "gifts" like dead animals and flowers at his doorstep snatcher thought it was strange but accepted it anyways because the things snarles kept bringing were ingredients commonly used in his potions i should also mention that the only reason he knew snarles was the one leaving all these things at his house because once while snatcher was brewing potions he ended up seeing snarles spying on him from atop a tree branch. anyways yea occurrences like this became a lot more common until they isolated themselves for about a week and snatcher who had just been getting used to snarles's routine gifts and random pestering started to miss him i mean its not like he had anyone other then his minions to keep him company in that old forest right? and sure the minions were nice and all but he had a harder time really connecting with them since they only really ever followed his orders and did his chores so snatcher ended up wandering around the forest hoping he would catch snarles but of course nobody was there just the dwellers and subconites and the occasional crow but not so much as a sign of snarles they seemed to have just poofed out of existence but as much as snatcher wanted to go on looking for them he had to get back to work its not like those souls are gonna steal themselves right? but then snarles just kind of showed up again like nothing had happened except they began acting very differently instead of the usual insults and trying to claw snatcher to double death they began complimenting his looks and attempting to get uncomfortably close whenever he spoke eyes always locked staring hungrily whenever he was visible snatcher obviously weirded out by the sudden behavioral change in snarles started to actually try and talk to them after basically just trying to ignore him pretending he wasnt there snatcher started by asking questions usually relating to where the hell snarles even came from those were always met with silence and a smug grin then snatcher tried to ask about what snarles was even doing this time he was met with a response with snarles saying something along the lines of "isn't it obvious? I'm toying with you.. messing with you... you intrigue me... you're quite cute when you're angry I cannot resist" "oh and before you even ask me why how about you tell me something. do you ever feel lonely living alone in these woods? do you ever just feel starved? I want you eviscerated and yet here I find myself coming back to you because of that soul crushing emptiness"

i forgot the other half of what i was gonna write but at some point snarles just kind of started showing up at snatchers house and would be asleep in his chair when snatcher returns from whaever the heck he was doing and he tried to get rid of snarles at first but then just kind of accepted that he would keep coming back and that he kind of enjoyed having company and yea then they started bonding and snarles's crush worsened and was no longer easily hidden but yea I still need to figure out a whole lot of shit as you can probably tell

[decoysouled]

unprompted asks // accepting // @mmriesoftvat Diluc doesn't always go to the library inside the knight's headquarters, since he wants to minimize contact with them as much as possible. However, there are things he can do in there, such as trying to find certain texts, avoiding eye contact with Lisa, and making sure no one talks to him. This time, the library is mostly empty. Diluc would be grateful for the privacy to read at his own pace, save for Caelus lurking in the library as well. Diluc's first reaction is to roll his eyes, his second, to walk over and sit by the other man. At least Caelus doesn't annoy him too much. "I take it you're seeking solitude as well?" Diluc asks. "Or are you doing anything with the knights?"

THERE WAS A NEED TO LEARN IMBUED WITHIN HIM — one that he could not seem to quell no matter how hard he tried; investigating items around the city & outside of it had never sated his sense of curiosity & he had turned to books long ago, ravenously consuming any & all knowledge he could. Perhaps his own lack of memories had contributed to this, the day he had arrived in Mondstadt marking the beginning of his obsession with learning all that he could.

( they had walked toward the city with no memories aside from their name & nothing but the clothes on their back & a dendro vision on their hip. they wonder, sometimes, what they did to gain the favour of the gods. two years later, they are no closer to an answer. )

Within that time, he would be the first to admit that Diluc Ragnvindr was an elusive presence — if only because they did not frequent the same places, considering Caelus' tendency to remain at the library or roam the wilderness searching for various plants & the like, if only to study them in an attempt to understand more about the world around him. It is unexpected, really, to see him at the library, considering Caelus is well aware ( as are most people ) that the other does not exactly associate with the knights.

Although, he can't exactly blame him for that.

Nonetheless, there must be some reason that Diluc has approached him aside from the fact they both seem to be in the same place. ❝Solitude isn't what I tend to seek out.❞ Caelus replies, shaking his head in response to the question asked. ❝I'm curious as to why you're here, though. I'd have thought it'd take someone's convincing to get you to come here.❞ He wastes not a moment in his questioning of the other, albeit it is less overt than he might usually be.

Caelus is well-versed in his knowledge of social skills & he is aware that it isn't the best idea to back someone into a corner in his attempts to know everything, no matter how tempting it might be.

❝I'm just here to read. There are so many things I don't know still & going through the books is the closest I can get to figuring that out. Aside from travelling, at least.❞ & he has little desire to journey across Teyvat at the moment, his sense of wanderlust depleted by his own frustrations at his uncertain identity — he doesn't know where he would even begin to search for his past & it is for the best, in the end, to focus on his future rather than remnants of what could have been.

❝I'd be outside to learn instead, but I've been told rummaging through boxes, barrels & pretty much anything that can have something inside is unnerving for the general public.❞ Caelus' voice carries no real care for that, as if his actions should be normal by societal standards rather than a cause for concern. Nonetheless, it would be best to avoid getting in trouble for now by ending up classed as a public nuisance.

❝I don't see why it matters all too much. Someone's going to go through them eventually anyway. Why do they care that it's me & not someone else?❞

[heartfucksmouth]

not to sound like a broken record cliché, but motherhood is truly the most difficult and beautiful thing I've ever experienced.

I'm constantly fascinated by my child, I can't get enough of kissing his face and head and smelling his scent, holding his tiny hands or massaging his little toes. I'm in love with his bright curious eyes and the glimpse of a smile passing over his face.

and I'm also overwhelmed and frustrated when he cries for hours and won't sleep for more than 20 minutes all night. I'm terrified when he suddenly spits up so much formula it comes out his nose and he can't breathe for the longest 10 seconds of my life. I'm anxious when he isn't near me, and I get waves of distrust washing over me whenever someone else is caring for him so I can sleep. I have moments where I question what I've done, whether I've ruined my life - or his, I search my mind for ways of escaping and I scare myself with scenarios of grandparents taking custody of him bc I'm unfit. I make myself cry picturing Myles trying to raise him by himself without me.

6 weeks post partum. 1 month and 11 days. I'm finally asking for my meds to be adjusted bc I feel I'm barreling head first into PPD/PPA and my high blood pressure is back. I just got a new therapist that also is a parent by my request, and she called me today bc she wanted to check on me. my mom has been here most days to let me catch up on sleep, but she talks about her life and freezes when I have moments of anxiety and actually look to her supposed parenting experience for comfort and help. it wounds me deep. and myles mom takes Aidan for hours at a time, so I can sleep or shower or eat dinner with myles, but its not always to my liking because I fear she'll hold it over our heads someday - or she secretly thinks we're incapable of being parents. I get help with Aidan every day (while others do it all by themselves) and yet I feel so alone and like no one will come to my rescue when i need it. all the offers of help during my pregnancy seem to have disappeared. I wish friends would offer to come instead of the mothers I have relationship issues with. but then... who are my friends, really? my therapist says how I'm lucky I have all this support but it feels like a gut punch and I need to tell her next time that I don't feel like I have support at all. when I go into panic attacks, I message multiple people reaching out, asking for encouragement, for validation from other parents. but I don't have anyone checking in on me or offering to get together or even offering to help in a physically present way. besides my damn mom. my therapist and psych nurse are like "I'm always here for you, reach out" but they don't mean "text me at 3am if you're having a hard time" - they mean "call my extension and leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can"

the pendulum of my emotions is swinging so wildly and I just want some balance. I keep getting told everything I'm experiencing is normal, but if that's the case, there's something very fucking wrong with the way we treat motherhood, pregnancy, all of it (and there is).

I hope a med adjustment will help me, and I'm trying to reach out and build a village of my own. everyone talks about mental health, and recently PPD etc but everyone is burnt out and dealing with their own overwhelm and everyone is a breath away from a crisis. it all just feels crazy. I want to feel hopeful again. I want to feel like the world isn't on fire.