#I've already been thinking I'm 23 for a few months now but I am still 22 for like 3 more weeks | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

andreafmn · 9 months ago

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Collision | Chapter 23

Word Count: 4.4K Warnings: medical procedures, death

Story Description: (Y/N) Uley is back home after being away for four years. Her life is at its first standstill and she is taking this time to find out who she is without school. But she never thought that coming back to the reservation would turn her whole life around. In the midst of secrets and mystery, a man crashes into (Y/N)’s and her life will never be the same.

A/N: goodness me, I know it's been forever since I've updated anything. I've been in a bit of a mental rut and nothing was coming to me, but I'm finishing up a couple of updates so I'll definitely be publishing a few things this week. Also, please don't hate me for updating the less loved Twilight fic. Speak is coming soon 🫣🫣 also also, new character 👀👀

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(Y/N) knew it had been too quiet for too long.

Well, not entirely quiet.

After the encounter with Laurent in the woods, his friend Victoria had shown up. The vampire had gone through hitchhikers in Forks like it was an all-you-can-eat buffet. It had the sheriff station in Forks and La Push on high alert. There were too many bodies and not enough explanations—at least none that could be known by the public.

The pack had already doubled their efforts during their patrols, doing all in their power to run the redhead out of their land while protecting the Swan duo in theirs. They had lost sleep and had been overworked for weeks. The vampire had bested them in every move, taunting the pack with her swift and calculated moves.

But the important thing was that Bella was safe, and she seemed to be getting better. At least for the past couple of weeks, she had been better. That’s what (Y/N) thought until she got a call one early March morning.

“What do you mean Bella knows about you?” (Y/N) said through gritted teeth. “And it happened a week ago? Why am I just finding out? I literally talked to her before spring break started.”

“It seems Jacob hinted to the stories she used to hear when she was a kid,” Sam sighed. “Gotta give it to the kid. He really found a workaround the rules. I was gonna tell you as soon as it happened, but you had your exams and everything, so no one wanted to worry you with it.”

“How did she take it? Is everyone okay?”

“Well, Jake and Paul had a little row because Bella blamed us for Jacob keeping his distance from her,” her brother chuckled. “And, well, Paul got a bit mouthy, and Bella ended up slapping him—at least, attempting to—which cause him to get angry and phase. Subsequently Jacob phased to protect her. They’re both fine now and Bella knows everything.”

“And no rules were broken I suppose,” (Y/N) sighed. “But Bella now knows about wolves and vampires and somehow is back in the center of all supernatural danger. Isn’t this all just great?”

“This is gonna sound harsh, but I prefer her being hunted than you, (Y/N),” Sam admitted. “I know we can protect you in our land, but this one is ruthless and relentless. I would hate for her to have your scent.”

“Well, she doesn’t, thankfully,” she said. “Don’t think she even had my description since you killed her friend. But I thought we were gonna be more proactive when sharing information now.”

“I know, but I wanted you to at least pass that test first,” he confessed. “Look at you now, on your first week as a student doctor.”

“I still can’t believe it’s happening,” (Y/N) exclaimed. “I don’t know what spirits are looking out for me, but it’s almost unbelievable that I’ve been able to do any of this. It takes months for Step 1 to be revised and for college credits to go through. But I’m knocking on wood that these miracles keep happening like this. Might just become the youngest doctor in Washington.”

“If there’s anyone who could do it, it had to be my genius sister.”

“Thanks for the flattery, it does me well in the mornings,” she chuckled. “But I do have to get into work soon. So, thank you for this new information. I will call Bella and see how she’s doing after my shift.”

“Alright, sounds good, Dr. Uley.”

“I like how that sounds,” she beamed. “I’ll see you after work. Bye, Sam.”

“Bye, Dr. Uley.”

When (Y/N) entered the hospital that morning, she believed it would be another routine day. A couple of flu cases, possibly some broken bones in the ER, maybe even a more pressing case. But she had not expected to see Harry Clearwater coming through the doors of the emergency room, Sue trailing close behind.

“(Y/N), I’m gonna need you on this one,” Dr. Mollins, the ER attending, called. “Let’s move the patient to Trauma 1. Talk to me.”

“We’ve got a man in his mid to late 50s showing signs of a severe myocardial infarction,” the paramedic said as he pushed the gurney into the building. “He went into cardiac arrest during transport, but we were able to regain sinus rhythm. He was administered two milligrams of epi.”

(Y/N) felt stuck in her spot, her limbs frozen as the familiar faces moved past her. She had seen her fair share of emergencies during her time at the hospital and her past internships. But seeing someone that she knew completely defenseless and unconscious shot ice through her veins.

“Dr. Uley!” Mollins called her again. “I need you here, now!”

“Yes, o-of course,” the young woman stammered as she felt her brain finally jumpstart. She sent Sue an apologetic smile as she walked through the curtain that separated Harry’s room from the rest of the beds. “I’m here.”

As soon as she slid the curtain behind her, (Y/N), Eden Mollins, and a nurse started to examine Harry. His blood was extracted, his pulse and his blood pressure were taken, his lungs were listened to, and his temperature was taken. All the while, the man remained unconscious, and (Y/N) prayed to whatever was out there that he at least opened his eyes.

Every second that passed, the girl’s breath hitched in her throat. All she could do was think back at the summers she would spend in the Clearwaters home, running around with Seth and Leah while Harry watched over them, how he and Billy would gather all the kids around the bonfire to tell them stories about the ancestors, how he watched over her and Sam when her father had decided to disappear from their lives.

“I wanna run an EKG and an Echo on the patient,” Eden instructed. “And call in a CT and a chest MRI. The patient is still unconscious, so…”

“Harry,” (Y/N) choked out. “His name is Harry.”

“Excuse me?”

“The patient’s name is Harry,” she restated. “Harry Clearwater.”

“Do you know the pa… Mr. Clearwater, Uley?”

“Yes, I do.”

“You have to tell me right now if that will impair your treatment of the patient today, Uley,” the doctor said. “I cannot have you freeze like you did.”

“Good,” he nodded. “He seems stable for now, so go out there and get some background from the wife. Can you do that?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Alright then.”

The doctor slid the curtains open to reveal a teary-eyed Sue. Once he was gone, (Y/N) allowed herself to throw her arms around the woman, wrapping her in a tight, warm hug as she whispered how sorry she was. “What happened, Sue?” she whispered. “What caused this? He seemed fine last week.”

“Oh gods, (Y/N), it was just too much for him,” the woman sniffled. “It was Leah. She phased.”

“W-what? Leah shifted into a wolf? How is that possible?”

“That’s not all. The second Harry was down, Seth phased too,” she added. “He said only boys turned into wolves, (Y/N). How could it be that Leah is one too?”

“I could not tell you, Sue,” (Y/N) breathed. “This is just as new to me as it is to you. But what could have triggered the change in Leah? I don’t get it. Thought there were normally signs.”

“Well, she had been acting out a lot recently, and her body started changing dramatically. I thought she was just being a normal moody teenager and that maybe she was going through a second puberty,” Sue sighed. “But this morning, we were arguing about how horrible her mood swings had been, and she just exploded. One second, my daughter was standing before us. And the next, there was a grey wolf breaking through our couch. The shock sent Harry down. His heart just couldn’t take it—you know he’s always had trouble with it. Then, Seth—poor thing—seeing his father go down got so anxious that he shifted too. I tried calling Sam after I called 911, but Emily told me he was out with his wolves chasing that leech out of the forest. “It was all so sudden, (Y/N),” the woman cried, taking (Y/N)’s offered hand. “She ran out the door with Seth behind and I couldn’t stop them. I had to get Harry to the hospital.”

“Oh, Sue, that’s just horrible,” the girl said. “I can’t believe that happened.”

“Tell me, (Y/N). Is it bad? Is Harry gonna be okay?”

(Y/N) took in a steadying breath as she braced herself to tell one of the people who had essentially raised her that her husband was not showing good signs. How could she speak those words when she didn’t want to believe them herself? “Look, Sue, I can’t lie to you. Things are not looking good,” she explained. “With his age, his pre-existing condition, and the severity of this episode, it’s still too early to tell. We need him to wake up in order to assess the situation fully. If not…”

“I know,” Sue interjected. “I just don’t know what I would do without him.”

“Okay, let’s not go there just yet, Sue,” (Y/N) stammered. “Why don’t you call someone to be with you while we run labs? I wouldn’t want you to be alone right now.”

“Don’t worry about me, (Y/N),” she softly smiled. “I already called Charlie and Billy. They’re on their way here already.”

“Good. I’m gonna go check on his labs. If you need anything or need me here, just let one of the nurses know and they’ll page me right back.”

“That’s alright, (Y/N). I know you’re busy.”

When she left the room, (Y/N) finally felt like she could breathe. But there was a nagging in the deepest corners of her head that was telling her that something bad was going to go down. Yet, she wanted to listen to the rational side of her brain. Harry was in the best place to receive treatment if another episode were to happen. She had to trust that they would be able to help him. She simply had to.

The girl busied herself with other patients’ labs and filing anything that kept her as far away from Harry’s results as possible. She couldn’t face another loss so quickly. Not yet. She wasn’t sure if her heart could take it.

During her short life, (Y/N) had faced too many grievances that had forced her to grow up too quickly. Her father had walked out of her life when she was too young, and she needed him the most, forcing her mother to spend too much time at work and too little time at home. Most of the time, it was only Sam and her at home dealing with their schoolwork and food. Then, right as they were learning how to be the dynamic duo, she was accepted at St. Agustine Prep, and she had to learn how to be by herself for the better part of four years. After, she met the man she thought would be her future, and he ripped her heart apart like it hadn’t been fragile to begin with. Sadness was simply a part of (Y/N)’s existence, but she didn’t think there was more she could take.

(Y/N) prayed quietly. She prayed harder than she ever had before in her life. She didn’t know to what exactly, but she prayed.

And yet, the universe rarely played things out in the way she wanted.

The young woman was on her way to greet Billy Black and Charlie Swan when a loud ringing alarm called her attention. It was the soundtrack of despair, the theme song of disappointment, and the last thing (Y/N) wanted to hear. Her legs started moving before she could think twice, setting off for Harry’s room. There, the flatlining sound filled her ears, mixed with Sue’s pleas for help as nurses pulled her aside to allow the doctors to work.

“The patient’s coding, Uley,” Eden called out. “Start compressions. This is your call.”

(Y/N) was already on Harry before Mollins had finished his sentence. Her full attention was on her counts, pressing on his chest like she had been taught to do. One, two, three, four, all the way to thirty before the nurse administered air pumps. Then again, and again.

“Push one milligram of epi,” (Y/N) called out, not stopping her compressions for another three minutes. “Check rhythm.”

As she removed her hands, the screen showed a red line once more, and that pesky sound filled the room again. “Still asystole,” Eden said. “Push another milligram and clear for defib.”

(Y/N) continued her work as sweat formed on her forehead. She pushed into the man’s chest at a steady pace, even when she felt her limbs wanted to give out. Her legs trembled under her, and her heart hammered loudly against her chest, but she couldn’t stop. Even after two defibrillations that yielded no results, the girl kept administering compressions.

“Uley, it’s time to call it,” Mollins whispered softly at the young doctor. “It’s been over thirty minutes.”

“No!” (Y/N) exclaimed. Beads of sweat were falling down her face and mixing with her tears, but she couldn’t bring herself to stop. Not for Harry. “I’ve gotta keep going!”

“(Y/N),” Eden called her, taking hold of her wrists and forcing her gaze to break from the man. “It’s time to call it.”

“I can’t,” she trembled as she fell onto the doctor. “He can’t…”

But the consistent sound of a flatline killed her words. That was it. Her first patient was gone, and it was someone she had looked up to like a father. Despite all of her efforts, he was gone, and there was nothing else she could do about it.

“Time of death: 1542,” the doctor called to the nurse before turning back to the crumbling girl. “You did everything you could, (Y/N). You did everything right.”

“But he’s gone,” she cried. “He’s gone, and I could’ve done more.”

“No. There was nothing at all that you could have done,” Eden said. "Unfortunately, this is part of the job. We can’t save them all, (Y/N), but you absolutely did everything you could have.”

“I know I can’t save them all, but I needed to save him.”

“Tell you what, I’m gonna break the news to the family right now,” the young man said. “You’re gonna take a second to compose yourself before you go out there, and I want you to take the rest of the day off to rest.”

“I shouldn’t…”

“I know that it’s unconventional, and most doctors would have said that you needed to get used to it,” he added. “But you need this, (Y/N). This case is too personal, and I know it’s gonna take a toll on you.”

“Okay,” she whimpered. “Thank you, Dr. Mollins.”

“I already told you, (Y/N). When we’re off a case, it’s Eden.”

The moment Eden left the room, the silence that filled it was worse than the beeping and the alarms. It was eerie and loaded, and it made (Y/N) feel like it would swallow her at any moment.

Yet, the only other presence there was Harry. His face was covered with a white sheet, shielding his body from everyone. And for that, she was thankful. (Y/N) couldn’t look at his face. She knew her mind would trick her into thinking that he was merely sleeping and that at any moment, he would wake up and say the most unfunny joke she had heard of, but she would have laughed anyway because it would have meant that he was alive.

“I’m so sorry, Harry,” she whispered to him. “I tried so hard. I hope you know that.”

“He does, honey.” Sue’s voice startled her. Tears stained the woman’s face, but her desperation was gone. She wrapped her arms around the younger girl, smoothing down her hair in a comforting manner. “He knows how hard you fought for him, (Y/N). It was just his time.”

“He was fine just last week,” she sobbed. “I can’t believe he’s just gone now.”

“As long as he is in our memories, he will never truly be gone,” the woman smiled sadly. “But he is with our spirits now, reunited with his ancestors.”

“Harry will never be forgotten that I can promise you, Sue.”

“He really loved you, (Y/N),” Sue mentioned. “He was always so amazed by everything that you were doing. He loved to boast about how far he knew you’d go to literally anyone who would listen. Deep down, he wanted Leah and Sam to work out so we’d be officially family.”

“I’m really gonna miss him, Sue. I wish I had spent more time with him these last few years. And now…”

“Oh, honey, no. Don’t do that,” the woman comforted. “Harry knew how busy you are, how busy you’ve always been. He was just so happy to know you were doing something you loved.”

“May his soul rest easy now,” the girl whimpered before placing a hand on Harry’s. “Until we meet again, Harry.”

(Y/N) excused herself from the room, allowing Sue to have one last moment with Harry. Outside, she acknowledged Charlie and Billy, giving them a sad smile before she disappeared into the doctor’s locker rooms. She couldn’t face another person who was close to Harry, not when she could still feel the beat of his heart under her hands.

Inside the locker room, she allowed herself to break down. She crumpled to the floor, clutching at her chest as every emotion came barreling down on her. There was pain and turmoil, anger and disappointment. But most of all, it was the harrowing sadness that she had been carrying since she was a little girl that draped itself over her, swallowing her completely and dragging her into the darkness.

Until a voice pulled her out. “Hey, hey, Uley,” Eden called as he kneeled in front of her. “Come on, you need to breathe. Take a deep breath.”

“I-I-I c-can’t,” she stammered. Her breath got trapped in her chest, tightening her lungs and making them burn for oxygen.

“Yes, you can. Come on,” he encouraged. “Match my breaths, okay? Come on, in and out.”

Eden took deep breaths, exhaling after holding them for five seconds. His hands found hers, forcing her gaze to snap to his. He continued the breathing exercises until she was finally able to match his pace. Her body stopped shaking, and feeling started returning to her limbs as her sobs quieted down. As weakness took over her, (Y/N) crashed onto Eden’s chest, allowing him to wrap her in a warm and comforting hug.

It was an unexpected embrace that she was more than thankful for. Eden had come to the hospital three months after Carlisle had left to fill the hole left in the emergency department. When (Y/N) had entered and started her clinical rotations, he had been tasked with being her teacher in emergency medicine.

He had not taken to her quickly. From her work as a medical assistant, he had said she was far too young and too inexperienced to be in the hospital. Though he had eaten his words in a short amount of time, he still seemed to hold some sort of disdain for her. At least, that’s what she had thought until that very moment.

“Hey, there you go,” he cooed. “Just keep breathing, okay?”

“Gods,” (Y/N) croaked out. “I’m sorry. I know I should be okay with death, but this…”

“You don’t have to apologize, (Y/N). Never apologize for the emotions you’re feeling,” Eden reassured. “Especially not after losing someone close to you. That is something no one could ever fault you for.”

“Why are you being so nice to me all of a sudden?” the girl blurted. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, but it’s not a secret that you don’t really like me.”

“Why would you think that?” she asked, his tone hinting at being slightly offended. “I don’t think I’ve given any indication of that.”

“Come on, Eden. You’re always giving me dirty looks and have gotten mad at me at any turn this whole week. It’s not hard to decipher that you don’t really enjoy my presence at the hospital.”

“Oh god, no. That has nothing to do with you—at least not directly,” he quickly assured. "I think you’re a brilliant doctor, and I’m honestly so impressed that you’re here at your age. My attitude has more to do with the fact that my parents saw you working here a week after I finally got here, and they were on me because I could have been like you.”

“What, a terrified nineteen-year-old playing at being a doctor?”

“Christ, I didn’t think you’d heard that,” he grimaced. “That came from a really childish place. It’s just that my parents have always pushed me to be the best, much to my detriment. I had the ability to jump a few grades or do dual enrollment like you did, but I wanted the whole high school experience. So, even if I graduated at sixteen and finished my bachelor's in three years, I could have always done better. So, here I am at twenty-five and already an attending, but in comes a nineteen-year-old med student who somehow was able to skip two whole years of med school and had an almost perfect Step 1 score, and suddenly my achievements aren’t good enough anymore. I’m sorry I ever said that. I mean, I’m a grown-ass man caring what my parents think.”

“Don’t worry,” she smiled softly. “It just made me want to prove myself even more. I’m kind of used to people underestimating me.”

“Yeah, I quickly learned I shouldn’t have,” he chuckled. “You’re a great doctor, (Y/N), and a great person.”

“Well, thank you,” she beamed. "It honestly means a lot coming from you, especially now.”

“I can promise that was the first and last time I ever underestimate you,” Eden smiled brightly. “Now, you should go home. Your brother just came back.”

“Came back?”

“He arrived when you were down at the CT scan, but he left for an emergency,” the man responded. “He just came back a minute after you left the room.”

At the word emergency, (Y/N) jumped to her feet and ran toward the emergency room, new tears forming in the corners of her eyes. It was a word that held too much weight even before the entire picture was shown. After that morning, the girl could only expect the worst.

Her limbs carried her automatically, her brain not registering where she was going until she crashed into someone. “Is someone else hurt?” she managed to croak out. “Tell me what happened, Sam.”

“Hey, breathe, (Y/N),” her brother instructed as he wrapped his arms tightly around her. “No one’s hurt. Okay? It was just an accident.”

“That still doesn’t make things clearer. What accident?”

“Bella sort of jumped or slipped off a high cliff while we were running Victoria all the way up to the Canadian border,” he said. “I had been here for no more than ten minutes when Jared called me and said that Jake had gotten there just in time. She’s fine now. A bit shaken up and cold, but she’s at Billy’s house resting. You don’t have to worry, (Y/N). It’s been handled.”

“So, she almost drowned, and all she’s doing is sleeping it off?” (Y/N) exclaimed. “Why didn’t you bring her here? She needs to be checked out!”

“(Y/N), I need you to calm down, okay? She chose not to come, and you shouldn’t be worrying about this. You should be going home and resting, too.”

“But she’s…”

“You’re in no headspace to worry about other people, Bean,” Sam cooed as he smoothed down his sister’s hair. “Go home, kid. Rest up. We’ve got things from here.”

“But…”

“Go home, (Y/N),” Sue interjected, a kind smile softly stretching her face. “All that’s left here is legal mumbo jumbo. You’ve done everything you possibly can.”

“I just feel like I need to help in some way. Either here or with Bella. I just…”

“You can’t help anyone if you don’t take care of yourself, Bean,” her brother interrupted. “I promise we’ve got everything handled here, kid.”

After much insistence and a lot of back-and-forth, (Y/N) finally agreed to take her afternoon off and head back home. But loneliness was quick to follow as soon as she was by herself. It sank its claws into her throat and started a never-ending stream of tears that stained her cheeks. Helplessness gripped her chest, nagging at her mind and reminding her of all the things she couldn’t do.

Before she knew it, the afternoon had slowly shifted into night, and (Y/N)’s eyes had fluttered shut in the hospital parking lot. Now, with less weight in her heart and a tight knot in her neck, she sputtered her truck to life and started her trip back home, where she would most likely repeat the same process all over again.

When she got there, the house was eerily quiet, and the cold seeped into her bones as though winter was still scratching its way to the surface. But she knew why it felt that way, and she knew it would be like that for a long time.

Other than Sue, (Y/N) couldn’t get Seth and Leah out of her head. Not only had they been sprung into the supernatural world in such a dramatic way, but they had also lost their father and had not been able to say goodbye. She wondered if they were scared or angry, if a part of them felt guilty. She knew she did, and she couldn’t imagine how heavy it had to weigh on their own hearts and minds.

She was typing their house number when her house phone suddenly rang in her hand, startling her. “Hello?” she said through the phone.

“(Y/N), hi, it’s uh, Bella,” the Swan girl stammered in her usual fashion. “I heard about… I’m so sorry.”

“Thanks, Bella,” she smiled sadly, swallowing down the knot that threatened to close her throat. “Are you okay? Sam told me what happened this morning.”

“Yeah, I’m okay. It was just a horrible accident,” Bella answered quickly. “But I’m fine now. I was actually calling about something else.”

“Oh. Uh, what is it?”

“Do you think you could come over right after the funeral?”

“To your house?” (Y/N) questioned. “Why?”

“I think there’s someone you should see.”

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kaile-hultner · 5 months ago

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GoFundMe Update, 8/12/2024

Hey y'all! it's been about a week since the last GoFundMe update. We've hit a pretty predictable slow period in this fundraiser, a kind of doldrums, but I also got super busy over the last seven days, so it's all good there. So what's been going on in the past week?

To start with, as I mentioned last week I'm down to just one installment loan. This in itself has already made a massive difference just even in terms of how I'm feeling. It no longer feels like I'm being crushed by this massive weight on my shoulders or chest. I know I've mentioned this a lot, but it's such a weird feeling after experiencing the opposite for most of my adult life.

With that, things are already starting to change rapidly: my credit score has gone up 23 points in a week and a half, for example. I hate that this is even something we should have to pay attention to, but I can't help but feel relieved when number go up instead of down. The number of phone calls I'm getting per day, in the evenings, on the weekends - all the debt collection calls - has dropped dramatically. Now it's mostly just spam and companies trying to get me to take out more loans with them. I've experienced a burst of creative energy that has gotten me back in the game-playing-and-reviewing saddle - I just wrote a piece about "A Short Hike" as a donor request fulfillment exercise. (You can check that out here.) I was able to get through an entire weekend of work at my side-gig with no issues or delays—something I haven't been able to say for a few months. And when I finished that work? You'll never believe it, but I didn't feel stressed out or exhausted! I felt normal!

This doesn't automatically catapult me into 24/7 comfortable living, and now I really have to focus on the hard and dirty work of living within my means, building a budget and being an adult when it comes to daily choices, but I always knew that. This GFM has never been the magic bullet that would solve all of my problems - and I've never wanted it to be. However, it's helped assuage such a significant portion of my problems that I can focus on other things for once, and navigating that for the first time has been a pretty significant experience! This comes after months of having to transfer my paycheck from my bank to my Apple Pay account and a litany of other sketchy shit just to make sure it didn't all get swallowed up by various debt repayments and years of sometimes paying rent in parts instead of all at once. With most of that gone and cleared out, I no longer have to do all that! I don't feel like I'm constantly between a rock and a hard place, and that's… honestly pretty significant.

So what's next? Why am I still moving forward with the GFM towards $8000 and eventually $10000+?

Well, as I've said in prior updates, it's still pretty unbelievable that we reached $6500+ and I genuinely have no expectations about getting even a cent more. If nobody else donates, I think I would be pretty pleased with what this GFM was able to accomplish. But I don't think I'm totally out of the woods yet. Thanks to your help, I've upgraded from "basically completely underwater" to "balancing precariously on the edge of the dock," and there's a WORLD of difference between those two states. But that doesn't mean I don't ever again have to worry about the possibility of almost drowning.

Goal 4 would help me pay off my remaining installment loan, and with that close the book on that chapter of my life altogether. I've got these two annoying (paid monthly) loans in the background, but paying $40 and $78 a month respectively for them isn't really all that bad. It's not moving the needle the way these installment loans (paid every two weeks on my payday) were. I'd like to get rid of this final installment loan pretty quickly if possible. I'm currently just a bit under $1400 away from that goal, and I think it's pretty attainable.

Goal 5, $10,000, and Goal 6, $10,000+, are maybe my vaguest goals, so I want to flesh those out a bit. For those goals, I'm thinking of my long-term future more than anything immediate. If I can get anything past $8K, great! That will be money I put into a savings account and start adding to on my own. The reason I'm putting these goals at the end of this GFM is because in a little bit less than a year, I'm looking at the end of a pretty long arrangement I've had at the place I'm living, and the situation is that either rent is going to raise pretty significantly or (more likely) I'm going to be finding a new place to live. Having some money in savings is going to help me out with this in two ways: first, being able to pay a deposit on an apartment or absorb some of the cost of raised rent. Second, being able to put down a down payment on a car. My (smaller) worry is that, even with the radical erasure of my most immediate and crushing debts that this GFM has already afforded me, I may not have enough time to save this kind of money on my own, and/or that my credit score won't heal fast enough to qualify me for cheaper car payments, apartment deposits that aren't an arm and a leg, and so on. For context, I live in Oklahoma, which has a relatively cheap cost of living, but it's practically impossible to get around without a car as OKC's transit system is bootycheeks.

Finally (and least importantly), I promised when I set this GFM up that it would be the last time I asked for money from the Internet for this or any reason, outside of like a medical emergency. I set $10k up as a moonshot goal, something I didn't think it was possible to achieve - and yet here it is, barely $3400 away. If we make it to the end, that's gonna feel like a wild achievement! I'd finally be able to rest easy.

Here's a bad car metaphor I just thought of: you know how when you jump a car, you don't just plug up the jumper cables from one car to another and call it good when the car in need of jumping starts? You have to give it a little bit of extra juice in order for the car to restart its own charging capacity? That's kind of what this GFM is. I'm the car being jumped. The fundraiser is the other car revving its engine and giving me a bit of extra juice after I was able to start my own engine again.

See? told you it was bad.

Anyway, as always, I cannot thank those of you who have already donated enough. None of this would be possible if it wasn't for you, and my inbox is always open if you want to suggest cursed internet artifacts for me to look at. Someone suggested the entire series of Eyewitness children's science documentaries to me. I have no clue if I'll be able to find them. I've been vibing on the theme song for days tho. The only thing I would ask of you at this point is to share this GFM on social media, maybe link back to this update directly, and let's see if we can't find some extra wind for these sails to get us closer to that final goal. If you can't donate, please don't feel pressured to donate! Just reblogging it is more than enough help.

youtube

#crowdfunding #mutual aid #financial aid #Youtube

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shatcey · 24 days ago

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Hey!! So I know Jude just came out, but like… I NEED VICTOR NOW😭😭😭 I know it’s a few months away but when should we expect the first teaser about his route to come out? Like how long is it usually that they tease a route and start releasing previews before the actual main course of a character. I need Victor like I need air😭😭😂😂 I need him and I need all the answers finally!!!! Just let this man break finally; we deserve a kiss from him since forever agoooooo🥺🥺 Let’s not mention the sexy things this man can get up to🤪😂 it’s so so close now that he’s next but still so far away🥺🥺🥺

I understand you perfectly. I still can't get over Ally's route, and Jude's route is quite interesting (although I haven't finished it yet, I really like how it progressing)… thoughts about this man don't leave my mind. Oh, no, Ally, don't be mad… I love you more!!!!

So...

To answer your question, we need to find out at least approximately when this route can be released.

I looked at the table where @.reccyls collects the release dates of routes in Ike games. On March 19, Ellis route was released. But Jude's route appeared later than Alfons's route on the JP server, about a week later (November 14th and 22nd). If this tendency continues, then we can expect Vivi's route at the end of March.

Jude's route was hyped by the developers, so it cannot be considered as an example, but the summer posts on X/Twitter have already been deleted. So… I have only this. The trailer showed up about 3 weeks before the release of the route (October 28 and November 22).

Oh, I suddenly remembered… There are trailers for routes on the Cybird's official Youtube channel. Ellis' trailer was shown a month before the release of the route (February 21 and March 19). Roger's trailer is the same (June 21 and July 23). So this is normal for Cybird.

So I think we can expect Vivi's trailer somewhere in late February. But… This is a game development, something unexpected may happen, nothing is set in stone. Anyway we have a lot of time to speculate. And there is a lot to theorize about.

I'm thrilled just thinking about his Chronicles, which I believe will tell us how Vivi found the boys and what he thinks of them. The secrets of his past and his curse will be revealed. And not to mention that his cheerful behavior will gradually or suddenly disappear, showing us his true nature. I got goosebumps…

Actually, I've been thinking about posting this for a while… Why not now.

Just a silly thought. Hehe… thinking about Vivi, I said "silly". I'm indeed silly if I think it's funny.

So...

I think Vivi's route will be very dark and depressingly sad. And Vivi himself will be completely different from what he usually is…

(crazy smile)

I can't wait for the March/April already!!! Jude came out later, so Vivi will be later as well...

I love silly Vivi, but I can't wait to see his dark, serious and lonely side as well. You know, there's a bond story called "The Other Side" where Vivi speaks very seriously, without his usual jokes and screams. He was afraid that Kate would be afraid of him. I just stared at him and drooled… He's so hot!

I'm desperately want this absolutely astoundingly stylishly beautiful man to myself!

Really? Him?

(blink-blink)

Maybe it's a power of black hair…

(tired exhale)

It doesn't concern me…

Hey! Don't just walk away! You should have been angry or jealous… Alfons!

You can say that to a stylishly beautiful man!

Well, excuse me! But he is… stylish and beautiful.

(deep in thought)

Am I digging my own grave again?

(smirk)

You are silly indeed.

dividers @.fanguro

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

🔝 𝕊𝕋𝔸ℝ𝕋 ℙ𝔸𝔾𝔼 🔝

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

#anon ask #answer #ikemen villians #ikemen villains #ikevil #victor #ikemen villains victor #ikemen victor #ikevil victor #calculations

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thingschangelikemonkeypants · 7 months ago

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Talking about gender identity for pride month.

6/23/24

Hey.

So, pride month is almost over and I haven't really done the thing yet where I sit down and analyze my identity as a queer person. Hell, I haven't done that since 2020, I've sort of been on autopilot since the pandemic. But today I went ahead and watched "I saw the tv glow" on my laptop as a little treat. Needless to say all the people on tiktok saying that it "absolutely wrecked" them were not exaggerating. Like, honestly, I got chills or whatever.

The first time I ever "came out" was when I was still in middle school (2014) in my family's old apartment. I told my mom that I liked girls, never really specifying if I was bi or a lesbian or anything. I had privately come out to my cousin and a couple close friends as bi, but it never felt right. It almost felt like saying that I liked guys alongside girls was justifying the queer aspect of my romantic attractions.

Eventually I decided not to lie about this part of me, so I told more people I was a lesbian, something my mother already assumed. And a few years later in 2020 (when i was 18) I told my dad I was gay, he took it well, and everything was okay. Except, it wasn't.

Over those fun years between 2014 and 2020, I had struggled so much with the person i saw in the mirror. I didn't know who I was no matter how hard I tried. I thought "who am I, like actually?". I shut out those thoughts with watching cartoons, drawing in my sketchbook, and blasting music on whatever pair of earbuds I could get my hands on. In my moments of weakness I tried to explain this to my mother, I would tell her I didn't like being a girl or "ugh, being a girl sucks" blah blah blah. None of it ever got through to her though, she just told me I was still figuring things out/that I was confused. Typical parent things to say, it isn't anything I'm bitter about, my mother was always supportive of the whole like girls thing. But she didn't know anything about all this gender stuff, and neither did I - I still don't.

Overall, I have been... unhappy. This lingering feeling of "something is... wrong, I just can't put my finger on it". It's awful not knowing, but I think deep down I always knew.

I don't feel like a girl, I don't feel like a guy - I feel like something different.

I learned about nonbinary people back in 2018, only I had the misfortune of learning about them through kalvin garrah, so I was convinced the gender identity was "cringe". Like what? It was a stupid thought.

After some time though, I really couldn't tell you exactly when and how, I started using they/them pronouns. At least, in my head and on my own. Some cousins used them for me, a friend as well but only sometimes. I put them on social media, my sister still isn't down with all that but that's OK. Even if none of my close friends or parents were okay with it I wouldn't really care, I'm tired of caring so much what other people think. I'm tired of caring about dumb shit like that, I want to care about me.

Happy pride month to all the other nonbinary people out there, I love you and I get you. I'm still so lost after hating myself for so long, so if you have any advice or experiences you want to share please do.

Thank you.

There is so much more that I want to say, but I'll leave it at this for now.

#pride month #gender identity #nonbinary #lore dump #lol #queer #coming out #help #lgbtqia #they/them

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shai-manahan · 2 years ago

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Hollowed Minds Progress Update 5/08/23

Hi! I know I failed at making a progress update last month, so first of all, apologies for that! Things have just been busy tbh and life has been too stressful that at some points I just couldn't write. It's why I've been a bit inactive here as well, and why I've been barely answering the asks I've been receiving.

I cannot report yet how many words I've written for the update so far because I haven't really taken a look at it myself, but I will do so at the end of the month if there's still no confirmed schedule by then. My eye health has just been very consistent at making my life harder as well until recently, and here's hoping I'll at least be able to function properly for a whole month🤞

Some things that will be in the next update:

For Chapter 2's Part 2:

Everything still goes as planned, except now both routes are expected to be fast-paced and action-oriented, though one is still more intense than the other.

This will be a massive one, not because of the word count but because of the variations that will play out. There won't be much issues in arranging the transitions to Chapter 3, so there's at least that, but your choices will matter a lot. So you might have to be careful with them.

One of the routes gets Alonzo actively involved, but please be assured that this doesn't mean you have to romance them. I actually encourage you all to check out both routes once they come because you'll gain more discoveries that way. 👀

Alonzo's route will be so memeworthy, I have to admit. Please try it.

There's an info dump in Chapter 2's Part 1 that I'm not really a fan of, so I'll be moving some of those to this part instead if needed.

For the overall IF:

Alex will now have a set skin tone if a lighter one is chosen for the Ripper. I will discuss this in detail soon, but I just wanted to emphasize that Alex and Ripper's mother are canonically PoC.

You will have options for your Ripper to wear contacts or glasses (or neither ofc).

You'll be able to bring a weapon with you in Chapter 2 depending on your choices so far.

You might remember a section of Chapter 1 where you can choose what your Ripper had been doing for the duration of the five months. I might reduce it to a few, just so I could have them properly recognized in the story.

There will be a couple of changes in the character descriptions in the game's stats page, with plans to make them shorter, too, for easier readability.

I will make sure you'll have saves at the end of this. So please don't be surprised if there'll be more page breaks in the future, as well as more choices (that are still as meaningful.)

In connection to above, I also plan to make the in-game descriptions snappier and easier to read while still maintaining the quality they should have. Your feedback will be very important for this, and this also applies to the beta testers (sorry I've been so silent. I swear I'll get back to you all soon lmao)

Not really too related here, but I also plan to be more consistent with my updates in the future. It's just that my irl schedule is still a huge mess, and it's very hard to be consistent when that happens.

Just a last piece of my mind. Some anons have been very aggressive with harassment the past few months, and I really have no interest for more drama right now. So if you have issues, if you think you can back your own words, send them through a DM or at least turn off anon so we could have a proper conversation.

It's honestly tiring. Being an Asian in this community can already be so tiring, so I am begging people to be mature and responsible with their words. After all, I've repeatedly said that you can always come to me with your concerns or whatever you have against me. As long as we can actually talk about it.

Anyway, that's all, and I hope the week will be good for everyone :) I have a few more things to post on Patreon tomorrow, so if you're a current patron, do look forward to that!

#hollowed minds series #interactive fiction #hollowed minds #wip #writing #hollowed minds book one #if wip #interactive novel #hollowed minds progress update #progress update #interactive game #if game #cyoa

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carsonian · 1 year ago

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November '23 SteveTony Fics Recap

This month was really rough. Not all the way through! There was just an undertone of rough over the whole affair with a few days verging into holy-fuck-this-is-rough territory. But! We still ball.

While I technically managed to write five fics this month, they're all 3k> each so I don't know if I'm too happy with the turnout. Total word count comes to only 10,521 words. Yeah :( Really not too happy about that buuuut it's alright! It's over now.

Now bring it back ➡️

"Got So Much Honey, the Bees Envy Me" | 1,891 words | G | 4 Nov

Tony takes a hit in a battle, and comes out of his surgery a little confused. Thankfully, his husband, Steve, is there to talk him through it.

First time I've gone back to it and I saw it's got 165 kudos! Wow! For a fic I really didn't give much thought and was intended to just, as I put in my author's note, "shake my hands loose", that's crazy! How lucky am I, ay?

"Just About Starving Tonight" | 3,080 words | M | 14 Nov

Tony is just trying to get through an evening of courting and dancing when Steve, the new Alpha in town, approaches him for a dance. Tony tries to turn him down, thinking the Alpha’s mistaken him for an Omega, but is taken aback when Steve assures him that Tony’s exactly who we wants to dance with. (A.K.A. a non-traditional A/B/O meet-cute.)

First foray into A/B/O since the series I did way back when, and I enjoyed it! Maybe I should write more.

"The More Things Seem to Change" | 2,123 words | T | 16 Nov

The prince comes to their base in the twilight hours of the night, asking to talk to Steve. Bucky already knows where this is going to lead. (A.K.A. Medieval-cyberpunk fusion AU where Tony is a prince, Steve is a gang leader, and they used to date.) Stony Bingo 2023 Round 2: "Historical"

"The More They Stay the Same" | 1,088 words | G | 21 Nov

Bucky was meant to take Tony back to the station twenty-five minutes back. (A.K.A. Medieval-cyberpunk fusion AU where Tony is a prince, Steve is a gang leader, and they're dating.)

These two drabbles came as a brainworm that just wouldn't leave me alone. Had I the time and energy this month, I could've churned out a 20k> fic but as it is, I think I've scratched the itch with these two ficlets.

"Hyperballad" | 2,339 words | T | 29 Nov

Steve's going through something. Tony tries to talk to him about it. (A.K.A. Established relationship, Depressed!Steve Rogers, Recovering Alcoholic!Tony Stark, and a decent amount of emotional hurt/comfort)

Very special one to me because it's got the shortest title of any fic I've written so far :D

Do check out the fics if you haven't yet had a chance to! I'm sorry that it's maybe not up to my usual 'standard' as far as complexity and duration of plot, characterisation or even just length. It's just not been a very good month for writing, unfortunately. I hope to have one or two decent fics out in December at the least! We'll see. Thank you for being here in the meantime!

#my fics #stevetony #fic writing #fic recap

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hollowmend · 1 year ago

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Counter-Side Dev Log #1 - 11/03/23

In an attempt to seem much more professional than I am, I've decided to give monthly dev logs a shot!

I'll keep individual projects sperate, so if you're here for Fetch Re;Quest stuff, keep an eye out for another post later this month.

Please bear with me as I figure out what the hell I'm doing 😂 And let me know if you like this kind of content, or if I should just stick to my random updates!

So anyways...

As a quick catch-up; Counter-Side is a kinetic BL sci-fi drama. It's about two men who live and work in a capitalistic hellscape- A mining facility on the barren, atmosphere-less planet of Ikarus.

But the story's not really about that. It's about two men who've been unlucky in relationships becoming friends and hanging out at a bar. It's a BL, so I think you see where this is going.

The Boys

Counter-Side has lots of fun (and not so fun) characters, but let's just focus on the two protagonists for now.

Transferred from his home facility to this one for mysterious reasons, Rae is the new Human Resources Manager for the software engineering department.

Rae is calm and collected... or so he'd like people to think. In truth, his inner thoughts are much more fiery than his reserved persona lets on. With a short temper and a protective streak, it's a constant struggle for Rae to keep his head down and his thoughts to himself.

Rae is not interested in dating at the moment, because as much as he hates to admit it, someone else still occupies that place in his heart.

His drink of choice is the gin and tonic 🍸

Stationed at the facility for military training, Rosco works as part of the mining crew by piloting a mech that houses an experimental sapient AI named MARC.

He may have only been here for half a year, but he already has a reputation; Everyone knows that Rosco, the hotshot playboy pilot, never turns down a date. Little do they know that rather than playing the field, Rosco is a hopeless romantic who simply doesn't want to miss an opportunity to find his one true love.

Currently in his longest running relationship, Rosco is determined to make things work and prove that he's not the flighty, promiscuous one-night-stand that everyone makes him out to be... no matter what he has to give up in the process.

Rosco's preferred drink is anything colorful and fruity 🍹

Chapter Select

And now on to the more technical aspects of the game!

Counter-Side is kinetic, which means there are not choices or multiple endings. It's a linear story told in three acts, but there is a bit of interactivity when it comes to how the chapters work.

(The UI is just a placeholder for now, if it wasn't obvious from Rosco's rather... colorful outfit.)

The story is told from both Rae and Rosco's perspectives, so after each act's linear opening, you'll get the option to choose what order to read things in, chapter by chapter. Once you reach the end of the act in one character's chapters, their option will be locked until you finish the other character's side.

Most chapters are completely unique scenes, but sometimes, Rae and Rosco are in the same place. These key moments are called Counter-Side chapters, and you get to experience them from both men's perspectives. The dialogue may be the same, but Rae and Rosco will have different narration and inner thoughts about what's happening, and they often start and/or end the scene apart.

Counter-Side chapters account for about 35% of the total number of chapters.

The Demo

We're currently working on a demo that will feature the entire first act- Over 50k words! It might be missing the final UI design and some cut-in art, but other than that it will be feature complete.

After that, we don't expect the full game will be more than a few months away.

The script for the game is about 3/4ths finished and we have the rest of it already outlined. The current word count clocks in at over 130k words 😭 It's gonna be a long one.

We haven't settled on a price yet, but the full game will not be free.

Wrapping Up & Discord

There's a lot more I could talk about, but I think this is getting pretty long already. I'll post again next month, but in the meantime, let me know if there's anything specific you want to know!

And if you're interested in a slow trickle of content instead of a monthly tidal wave, I post updates as they happen in my ✨ discord server ✨

#visual novel #counter-side #devlog #kinetic #yaoi #boys' love #hollowmend #sci fi

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zarvasace · 1 year ago

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PROGRESS POST

(10/4/23)

This is partly for accountability and partly just to get all this out of my head! This last month or two have felt so hectic, getting used to a new work and sleep schedule and all. I'm still not quite there.

If you're curious about what I've been working on and what my plans are in terms of writing and art for the rest of the year, read on. :)

I will say, though, that if you want more of a specific AU or story, the way to get it is by asking questions and leaving comments! Asks and comments remind me about things I'm doing and get me excited about them again! I have these plans, but I also am very good at chasing inspiration to unknown (and sometimes unimportant) corners!

By Fandom

Linked Universe Projects

I've been feeling less motivated to work on LU stuff, but I still plan on at least finishing what I have open, so you can look forward to some of that!

Writing

Disability AU—one small mobility trio fic in the works. A few vague ideas for doing backstory fics.

Council (1931 vampire AU)—this is still the "backburner to backburner" fic, but I do have some fun ideas. I just have been distracted with other things! I think this AU is a lot of fun and I'd love to do more with it. We'll have to see.

The Marvelous Misadventures of Wind and His Merry Band of Maybe-Human Misfits—chapter 7 (out of 9 or so) is in progress. I have it all outlined out, and it's fun to work on, but I have (again) been distracted! This is, I hope, going to be my main December project. It'd be nice to finish before it turns 2 years old next summer. Oops.

I have several other WIPs that aren't very exciting and probably won't see daylight, but they're there if I feel like them

Art

Coloring book—I'm part of the coloring book project! :) I have already finished 1/2 drawings, and they went so well, I'm considering doing more.

Shatterproof manga page—still on my radar! I'm doing the end scene from dazzling diamond danger, and my ambition keeps outgrowing my time.

Four Swords Projects

Writing

Fairytale AU—man I've started this Vidow BatB fic literally five times. I have an almost-complete draft sitting at like... 20k?? iirc, but I kind of hate a lot of it. I also like a lot of it. It's a bit difficult for me to work on rewriting something in that situation. Anyway. Another December thing probably.

Fright Fight—I have ideas for every week, but am currently unsure if I want to draw or write for them. Most of my October will be focused on filling these prompts!

Vampire Lords AU—I have strange as severe is this my fate open right now, with a fair amount of material... it just needs to be edited a bit. I do want to keep working on that, I've just... well. Distraction. A common theme. XD I might be feeling another little bite fic coming on, too.

Art

Fright Fight—see above

Fright Fight part 2—I have a few side things to do for this, like making graphics that I haven't quite finished yet. They shouldn't take long, I just gotta do em!

Non-Fandom

Stickers—I am in the process of drawing some stickers! Yay! These are for my work, but also just for me. I want some Halloween stickers. This is a backburner project.

Nanowrimo project—I need to spend some time figuring out a few things to really get going on my princess-verse. I'm going to be doing Nanolympics this year, so hopefully some of their preptober stuff will help!

Hearts Linked Together—my super-cool Linkverse. XD I love my dumb timeline, and all the characters, they're just filler drawings that I haven't had time to continue.

Secret Zelda project—I really really need to do this! I can't say much right now, but it involves a fair amount of work, both writing and art. I think I haven't gotten very far on it yet because I'm intimidated. Stop that.

Zine edits—I worked really really hard on an art piece for a LoZ zine coming up! This week is critique, and I anticipate a few edits later.

By Month

Facebook posts—a lady I know wants to commission pretty quote images to post on her Facebook. I need to reply to her text. And do them.

September

I primarily worked on the fic Blood-Sucker's Guide to High School. I also worked on and submitted one fic and one piece of art to two different zines, which I hope you'll see soon.

October

If you care, you may have noticed I'm not doing Whumptober this year! Part of this is because I'm a bit burned out from the above, and part of it is that the prompts just didn't seem very inspiring to me this year. Maybe that's just my mindset. I haven't been in a very whumpy mood.

I'm planning on filling weekly prompts for @fsfrightfight this month and maybe chipping away at some other fics, in addition to one more zine contribution. I'm also going to be planning for November and doing some scattered art work here and there.

November

NaNoWriMo! I considered skipping this... but I'm feeling really inspired and motivated to do it, especially with October as a break. I'm going to write some original work, and that will be the focus of my November. I'll likely get some other art done, too.

December

I hope to dedicate this month to finishing things up from this year! That means working on "backburner" projects.

#i speak from the coffin

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si-cucumber · 1 year ago

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Mazz's Top 5 Shows (as of 8/23)

So I’ve been debating on letting my inner theater geek out on here for a while, but I also realize that....this is my blog so I can talk about whatever the hell I want to talk about.

If somehow you didn’t know already, I am and always have been a theater kid. I’ve been lucky enough to have seen tons of live theater in my day, whether it’s community, national tours, or in New York. And now that my current touring season is over, and I continue to gush over the amazing shows I’ve seen the past few months, I think it’s time for me to officially update my Top 5 Show list.

5.) Six (US Tour)

So fun fact, I just saw this for the first time yesterday. I've been a fan of Six since it opened in the West End and waited super patiently for it to tour. It was entirely electric, the crowd was beyond into it, and the vocal talent was so stunning that I instantly bought tickets to see it again. That has never happened to me before. I was incredibly blown away and look forward to seeing it again next weekend lmao

4.) Next To Normal (Broadway, 2010)

This was my very first Broadway show on my first trip to New York. This was baby's first online fandom. Back in the day, my friends and I ruled the n2n category on FFnet. It was my first experience with fanfiction and fandom and it was fantastic. This show was everything angsty, teenage Mazz needed at the time. Being able to see the original cast and it being my first real Broadway show, it will always hold a special place in my heart!

3.) Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2023 Revival)

I saw this back in June when I went to New York last! Actually, the whole reason for my trip was just to see this, especially since I missed out on Josh Groban in Great Comet. The most star-studded cast I've ever seen, tons of heavy-hitters. Sweeney Todd was a favorite of teenage Mazz and his theater friends. We'd spend our weekends in my friend's basement performing "A Little Priest" to the best of our ability. Even though I know this show inside and out, I was still on the edge of my seat by the end. Annaleigh Ashford was the stand-out for me. She was robbed of that Tony.

2.) Beetlejuice (National Tour)

I saw this back in January with one of my best friends. I've loved this show since it debuted ages ago, and was probably the best show I saw this touring season! The absolute funniest show I've ever seen. Like, we were laughing so loud and hard I'm pretty sure we were annoying the people around us lmao. But nonetheless, it was an excellent production and I left dying to see it again (no...pun intended).

1.) Some Like It Hot (Broadway 2023)

I will never ever ever stop talking about this show. Hands down, best show I have ever seen. The amount of joy i felt for hours after seeing this was incredible. I was so lucky to see this during pride month, so I have a pride version of the playbill, which is so so special to me. It was so refreshing to see a classic, jazz musical again and the choreography? Insane. Like jaw dropping insane. The final chase sequence blew my mind.

But what struck me the most was seeing a queer actor onstage playing a canonically trans character. A character who was done so well and felt so organic. I saw this at the point in my transition where I really started presenting and dressing masculinely. I was the little awkward trans guy from Ohio, alone in the big city, sat at the front of the mezzanine hearing the crowd cheer for Daphne. After months of feeling dread about the state of this country and the fear of being outwardly trans, this was just...the perfect thing at the perfect time. The amount of gender euphoria I felt was incredible, it was so moving to me. It will always hold a special place in my heart and that is why it's my number one.

So that is my current list! Will it change? Probably at some point lmao. My next season starts in October, and I look forward to seeing what awaits me next.

#long post #musical theatre #broadway #Six #next to normal #sweeney todd #beetlejuice #some like it hot #Mazz the Theater Kid

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amethystina · 2 years ago

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Hello, for the questions for fic writers :

23. What’s a trope, AU, or concept you’ve never written, but would like to?

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!

50. Answer any question of your choice, or talk about anything you want to talk about!

<3 <3 <3

23. What’s a trope, AU, or concept you’ve never written, but would like to?

Since this question was listed twice I'll just go ahead and give two concepts/AUs!

The first is a Soulmate AU. I've always liked the concept but haven't really found an idea that I like enough to actually want to write it. I'm so busy and have so many other projects going on that I don't really have time to go searching for fic ideas. Instead, my brain has to present a fully formed idea and basically pitch it to me before I'm willing to even consider writing it. And since Soulmate AUs haven't really been high on my list of priorities, that hasn't happened yet. I guess my brain has been busy plotting other fics instead?

(Well, aside from that The Devil Judge Soulmate AU I suddenly came up with and am very intrigued by. So maybe? Who knows?)

The second is a Vampire AU. I cannot believe I've never written a Vampire AU. That's not to say that I'm necessarily obsessed with vampires (I like them a normal amount) it just surprises me that I've never written one. So that I definitely want to do at some point!

(And, unlike the Soulmate AU, my brain has actually tried to present me with a number of ideas for Vampire AUs (the latest one being a The Devil Judge fic, predictably) but I've kept myself at bay for now because I already have too many fics to write. Woe is me.)

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!

The sequel to Gravitational Pull? Though "currently working on" might be slightly misleading in this case. I wrote 840 words two months back and have been staring blankly at the document ever since x'D I think I just need to sit down and force myself past that first hurdle because I know exactly what's going to happen, I just need to write it down. But yeah, here's an excerpt:

Ga On tried his best not to look at Yo Han.

The tension lay thick inside the car, the silence pushing against Ga On's eardrums. Judge Oh, who sat in the back, probably assumed it was because of the crisis at hand — apprehension at the thought of what lay ahead of them — but that was only partially true. Ga On was also struggling with an insistent, nerve-wracking hum of concern, making his spine stiff and throat tight.

Yo Han shouldn't be here. He was still injured — only just over a day had passed since he got shot.

No matter how grave the situation was, Yo Han should be at home, resting, not driving them to an area of Seoul that was quickly becoming as chaotic as an active war zone.

Ga On gritted his teeth — until his jaw began hurting from the strain — and looked down at his hands. They were tightly clenched in his lap, his thumb rubbing restlessly over the other. Perhaps Ga On was being too selfish, but he didn't want Yo Han to put himself in danger like this — not when he wasn't at his best. Ga On could admit that Yo Han hid it well but, since Ga On knew where to look, he could see the subtle delay in Yo Han's movements and how he held himself slightly more rigidly than usual.

Yo Han was still in pain.

He still had a hole in his stomach but pretended that he didn't.

And Ga On had to play along, since Kang Yo Han couldn't show any weakness. The people around them could know that the chief judge was injured. The fact that their opponents did was already bad enough — and was probably why they chose now to try and overthrow him. They didn't think Yo Han would be able to fight back as fiercely — with as much precision — as he normally would.

They were expecting an easy victory.

But, even injured, Yo Han was a force to be reckoned with and, as always, would do whatever it took to win.

50. Answer any question of your choice, or talk about anything you want to talk about!

Possibly TMI incoming and TW for bullying and verbal abuse.

I think I'll take this opportunity to say how happy I am that I started writing fanfics. Which is extra hilarious when you consider the fact that it started with a thought as basic as: "I want to write at least one before I die." And then, ten years later, here we are. And I'm in no way exaggerating when I say that it changed my life.

One concrete example is that had I never written Autonomy, I would never have met the people who finally told me I was a good person — after hearing the exact opposite for over two years. To make a very long story short, there were several people in my life at the time who, when in pain, took it out on me, often by projecting. They told me how selfish, self-centred, and unsupportive I was. That I lacked empathy and always put myself first. That I was arrogant and a bully, who belittled everyone I spoke to and thought way too highly of myself, my intelligence, and my worth. And, well, I believed them.

Because I can be very firm and dominant, especially in person. So it's very likely that I might (unknowingly) assert myself too much. And since this abuse only happened in private, none of my other friends or family knew about it. This narrative of me being a terrible person was, for about two years, the only thing I heard. Because, to all my other friends, I was so stable and confident — how could I possibly be doubting myself? And why should they remind me that I was a good person since, surely, I knew that?

Except no — I didn't. Because I only heard the opposite. For years.

Until, suddenly one day, I got a DM on Tumblr asking me if I wanted to join a Discord server because they'd read one of my Winteriron fics and loved it. And so I did. Despite being scared to death because oh no, now these people who really like my fic are going to find out I'm a terrible person and they're never going to want to read anything I've written ever again.

But, to my absolute surprise, the opposite happened.

The people on this server LOVED me. They genuinely seemed to enjoy my company. And I quickly earned the nickname Steve (it was a Marvel server — I promise it made complete sense to us at the time) because I kept everyone in line and, apparently, was always ready to throw hands for a good cause.

I even had my own gif! The command was !amy and was used when someone was misbehaving to signal "You're on thin fucking ice, buddy."

Sometimes, I'd even wake up to find that the gif had been used in my absence, when other members on the server had basically gone: "Oh man, Amy's going to be soooo disappointed in you when she gets back RIP it was nice knowing you."

And rarely have I been so confused. Or felt so much like a liar.

Because that's what I thought I was doing. I thought I was lying to these people about who I actually was. That I was somehow able to masquerade as a Good Person all while actually being a despicable, selfish monster behind the scenes who hurt every single person I came into contact with.

And, eventually, I cracked. Not in a very visible way to most people, but enough to ask my most trusted friends on that server if I was a bad person. And I was unanimously met with a VERY confused: "What? Why do you ask? You, of all people?"

Because, according to them, not only was I the one who kept everyone in line, but also one of the kindest, most considerate people on that server. I was the conscience. The voice of reason. The one who always listened. The one who always knew exactly what to say when people were hurting. The one who made sure to de-escalate a situation before it could turn into something dangerous or hurtful.

And that changed my life.

Because, all of a sudden, I had a completely different narrative that competed with the one I'd heard for two years. In a matter of days, my world was turned upside down. We're talking a full-blown existential crisis. Because everything I thought I knew about myself was suddenly called into question and I had to figure out where I ended and the lies I had been told by other people began. It was a painful, gruelling, and utterly exhausting process but well worth it for how much it helped my mental health and self-image.

All because of a fanfic. Kind of amazing, isn't it?

The point I'm trying to make is that you'll never know in what place or what shape you might find the support and stability you need to have the kind of epiphany that I did. Perhaps it starts with a gigantic Space AU you wrote because it sounded fun, followed by an invitation to a whacky Discord server? Who knows?

And that's why I still write. And why I still post. And why I try to reply to every comment and ask if I can.

Because I know there are people like the old me out there. People who aren't seen or heard in the way they deserve. And maybe I won't be able to give them that with my limited reach, but I can at least try. I can write stories they relate to, stories that give them solace, stories that make them realise things about themselves, that make them question the abuse they've been submitted to, without even knowing it. That makes them see. That makes them want to forgive themselves and love themselves. That can help them find community and like-minded people.

If my writing can offer comfort, safety, and a feeling of belonging, then it's all worth it.

If I can help one person in the way those people on that server helped me, then it's worth it.

And that's why I'll always be grateful for deciding to write fanfics. Not just because of how it's helped me, but because it's given me the opportunity to help and bring people together.

It's never "just" a fanfic.

So, if you've ever read one of my works, I'm so grateful for your time and attention. And I hope I was able to make you smile or, perhaps, made you feel a little less lonely, even just for a short while.

I appreciate you and wish you all the best. Take care 💜

Questions for fic writers

#Amethystina Does Ask Memes #Anonymous #Well #That went to places I didn't plan #I guess I'm a little sentimental or something xD #But genuinely #Find your people #Find your support #It doesn't matter if it's through fanfics #Or music #Or knitting #Just whatever #Find the people who will help and treasure you #It will do wonders #Also brief sidenote:#No my name is not actually Amy xD #It's just the shortened form of Amethystina and it caught on #So to many I'm known as Amy

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