#I'm too old for this to spark another crisis but if this happened to me 10 years ago I'd be freaking out

[dampfoxes]

just tried to take somebody's smash or pass uquiz with 50 men in it and I was like "yeah I'm bisexual I'll take this" and then I was clicking pass 40 times in a row and it's like oh yeah I like women I forgot

[lore-gore]

@astral--horrorshow @krowsindulgences @parasolyaa @savannahwiththegreeneteyes

List of Ride The Cyclone cut songs and fan songs that I think would be cool to feature in the rp:

Tragic Fact except it's a Noel solo and the choir backs. Just him getting angry at having to haunt a dead end town. Also let's be honest Tragic Fact is such a Noel title.

My edited version of Play To Win. (Made to fit current Ocean and get rid of the ableism.) Basically Ocean is reflecting on her life and having a crisis.

Cookies cookies and some lemonade/Celebration. The choir finds some food and decides to throw a party. Someone worries about the food being likely expired while another answers that it doesn't matter because they're dead. Misha brings out alcohol, which could spark a conversation something like this:

Ocean: Is that alcohol?!?

Misha: What, it's a celebration!

Ocean: I thought that was a sacred tradition for birthdays?!?

Misha: Oh yeah, I lied to get you off my dick.

Ocean: What.

Misha: Well, exaggeration. In Ukraine it is normal to let a kid drink every once and a while with family. Usually at celebrations, like birthdays.

Ocean: How many other things have you lied about?!?

Misha: Oh, many things. You are very gullible.

Ocean: *Exaggerated shocked face.*

Ballad of Jane Doe Reprise. This would happen after Jane finds an old discarded newspaper with the choir's obituaries on it. Jane sees that she has none, and asks for some time to mourn herself since no one else did. This scene is probably what puts an end to the party.

The Ballad of Penny Lamb could be turned into a duet. Perhaps by the name Duet of Death? Anyways Ocean apologizes to Jane and expresses their regret that Jane wasn't able to come back and that she shouldn't have wasted time, to which Jane responds with how she couldn't have known, and that deep down she knew it was too good to be true because death is final. But Ocean says it isn't final because here they are. It would be split up like this:

Jane (Ocean backing)

So far it's been a life of the struggles

I survived

Ocean (Jane backing)

Of doing everything I can

So that I'm worthy of life again

Jane (Ocean backing)

Yet I float and spin around so lonely

Ocean (Jane backing)

Alone, for one wish

Not to love, again

For love is loss

And loss is pain

Jane (Ocean backing)

I weep and mourn

Where no one can see

Ocean (Jane backing)

Yes, the sunrise is the sign of another day

Jane (Ocean backing)

Of spinning round in the dream of life

Both

I wish you could spin around with me

Jane (Ocean backing)

If only for one day

Ocean pulls up Jane and they start dancing

Jane

(Descending high note as Ocean dips her.)

Ocean (Jane backing)

Why can't you return?

Return?

Turn with me, return!

They tenderly kiss

La La Love. Noel and Misha centered song. Maybe Noel sees the relationship blooming between Ocean and Jane and wishes that he could have that, to which Misha takes the opportunity to ask him out. Noel asks what about his fiance, and Misha tells him that him and Talia are polyamorous. The song is like a recalling of the song Talia, showing that Misha has room in his heart for both of them.

Space Age Batchelor Man 2018. The choir is bored and someone asks for Ricky to tell another one of their stories.

A World Inside. This song screams trans joy. Newly out Savannah asks Constance for advice. If I had footage of USC's Sugar Cloud it would have been perfect to make an edit to with this song. She had this gorgeous purple skirt covered with stuffed animals and a matching jacket and some of the choir members took the train and billowed it behind her, and then she got on the rollercoaster cart and ribbons were pulled out of the dress and they danced around her while making the cart spin.

Mentaly Insane. One of Misha's songs on his YouTube channel. Misha shouldn't even sing this, he should just play it on his phone. And then afterwards Ocean tells him it sucks. Might end up editing this song.

And of course these are just Ride The Cyclone songs! But any song you feel fits your character you can use!!! (Please share with me please please please.) I wanted to feature songs in the roleplay since it's a musical.

Had an idea that in the roleplay when someone does a solo they are able to sorta possess the other choir members, like before, except it's less strong and there's no Karnak giving them this power. Rather their emotions simply influence the choir, pulling them in. It's happens either on accident, as is the case when this first happens as well as Jane's song, or they willingly allow them to do it order to offer support. Like "let me be your vessel babygirl." Super short songs and group songs don't really have this effect. Except for obviously You Drop!, but they were all more of in a trance.

Speaking of You Drop!, I've mentioned this before but the og video got deleted. I ended up posting a few parts of a cover of the song to you and the creator responded!!!! She said he was doing a recover, and just needs to edit it. (I bet by the time I release my edited version, she will release his video.) I will reblog parasolyaa with the video once it releases along with a response from Jane. (Her laughing weirdly). Because might as well.

Also, to clear up any confusion, yes, you are allowed to go more than once. Sometimes characters will have convos with each other. I just said to put that you are going next in the comments so we don't reblog at the same time and can take our time to respond. Other than that it works like a normal roleplay. Add on when you feel your character should. (Even if it's just an action.)

Currently trying to keep the roleplay alive while everyone (including myself) is busy. Once winter break begins we should try to get back into the swing of things!!!

Edit: Seeing people outside of the roleplay liking this post, so I wanted to add a link to the rp!

Here's a link to the latest addition:

And the character sheets:

[browniefox]

2024 Fic Wrap-Up

Another year, which means another year of writing!

Most Popular (Kudos)

The Pines Paradox - Gravity Falls

Ford's research is interrupted by his estranged brother showing up on his doorstep with a kid who claims to be time traveller. Meanwhile in the present, Stan and Mabel try to figure out how to get Dipper back to the right time. There will be secrets revealed, old wounds readdressed, and above it all a one-eyed demon watches with interest. (Previously titled Twins Across Time)

Considering the Gravity Falls resurgance, hardly a surprise! Although it's been a second since I've updated this, I am actually really happy with it and how it's been turning out! It's a lot of fun to write, in no small part because of the love it gets from my sister haha.

Least Popular (Kudos)

And the World was a Graveyard - Trigun Stampede

Meryl notices Vash folding paper flowers. In time, he reveals what he does with them.

Like the last one, this isn't surprising other. I actually think I wrote this last year...? Zine pieces always perform worse once they're actually posted. That being said, though, I still find the concept of this one really cute and I'm glad it's finally out there so someone can read it, even if not many have haha.

Longest Fic

Death Does Not Us Part - FFVII Comp

In the Northern Crater, a year after Meteor with the world just barely beginning to recover, there's a shift in the flow of Mako, a call only certain individuals can hear, and the dead wake up. Angeal just wants to know what's happened since he died. Genesis has amends to make - if he can swallow his pride enough for it. Sephiroth thinks he wants to give destroying the world another go, this time with more support. And Zack mostly just wants to find out what happened to Cloud.

Another fic I want to continue sometime! I had a lot of fun writing this one - getting into the minds of all the Firsts can be a little tricky, but their dynamics are very interesting to mess around with. And of course, I had to shove Cait Sith in there somewhere haha. It's definitely the fic I put the most work into this year - Pines Paradox was more fun, while DDNUP was a bit more serious.

Shortest Fic

After the Rain - FFVII Crisis Core

Too late, Cissnei finds Zack's dead body.

If not for my Trigun fic, this also would've been my least popular fic. Hardly surprising. TBH, not totally satisfied with this one, but I do like that I wrote it. There were a few different ways I think I could've gone, but I liked the idea of Cissnei covering up Cloud's disappearance, just as a final act of good will to Zack.

Personal Favorite

A Spark in the Night - FFXVI

Elwin and Cid meet at the Remembrance Ceremony.

I always struggle with this category bc they're ALL my favorite, but I have to go with my niche ship of Elwin/Cid. In general this fic was a lot of fun to write, particularly exploring Elwin as a character and his thoughts on the bearer system and his sons and how thye play into that. Cid is also fun to write bc it's before a lot of his character development, so I get to plant the seeds of the man he'll become.

Honorable Mentions

I'd say sorry for putting so many fics in this category but it's my post so who gives a shit.

Encore - FFXVI - I write a lot of time travel fics, but this is probably one of my favs, in no small part due to it only being the 'fun' part. It was also a lot of fun to write how each of the dominants change from getting their memories of the future, and start to show how that's already changing the trajectory of the future. (Spectator's View, the companion is also really good. I love outsider POVS of time travel)

Singing the Sound (that You Found for Me) - FFVII - What if you were in a time loop but also weren't aware you were in a time loop at the same time. I love Cait and Reeve, and exploridni ghow the time loop doesn't totally affect Cait was a lot of fun, particularly in showing how the world around Cait changes and how his interactions with AVALANCHE change throughout the loops.

Cloud Watching - FFVII - Pretty high on the 'fics I really really need to update', focusing on how people react to Cloud's 'episodes'. A really fun character exploration, and I do have plans to continue it, but I always get caught up in a different project instead of work on it :P

Meeting Behind Enemy Lines - FFVII - OF COURSE I have to mention this fic! Tbh, I'd almost already want to rewrite, bc it's such a cool concept I don't think I quite did justice? In general, Reeve and Nanaki are in the same building for a long time, and writing them meeting before the events of FFVII is a lot of fun. I think they'd actually manage to get along all right, particularly Nanaki and Cait.

Those Trapped in the Tower - FFVII - Okay okay okay, last one I promise, but nobody write fics about Reeve and Chadley so I will! There's parallels between them and then between Chadley and Cait Sith, and I wish it was explored! Instead it seems like they're just giving Cait's plotline to Chadley whole-cloth :P.

[ggomos-maribat]

Fight for the Throne: Babysitting Bat

Part 5.5 of Heirs Apparent | AO3

Masterlist

By the time he reached the base, Bruce could feel fatigue seeping into his bones. He came upon a large sealed entrance located underground and dusted with sand and rocks. Tracking down the missing people had taken longer than he wanted, but he'd be damned if anything happened to any of his sons.

What remains unclear is that aside from Damian, Tim, Jason and Dick, there were others who had been taken by the League as well. Bruce had done a background check and . . . he was still not prepared to face the truth. The girl, Marinette, was like a reflection of Talia though bearing Martha Wayne's eyes. The boy, Danny, clearly resembled Damian but seemed different in many ways. From his quick research, he had found nothing too out of the ordinary about the two children though he had asked Barbara to find out more for him.

He attached a device to the door to analyze it. Considering that it was a League base, it would have countless entrances and exits, some more dangerous than others. It was a risky decision to go in alone but Cassandra and Duke had promised to fly over in case he needed backup, with Alfred helping out over comms.

He studied the screen. It was locked by a certain mechanism, not really needing a key but—

"Hey old man, are you gonna open up this thing or not?"

If Bruce were any less experienced, he would've jumped at the sudden presence beside him. He did a double take, not because it was a little girl who wore some hoodie and jeans, not because she was casually chewing gum outside a base of killers and not because his tech never picked up on her movements. No, Bruce had to look twice because this girl had a terrible resemblance to him.

How many children do I . . . he wondered tiredly.

I'm not even going to ask how. Really, he only had enough energy to save his sons (and possibly other biological children), not swirl into another existential crisis. Picking up his composure, he cleared his throat. "I . . . I am still analyzing how to open it up."

The girl stared up at him, unimpressed. "Huh."

More people. The moment Bruce's hairs stood on end, he flicked a Batarang behind him, expecting a handful of assassins. What he didn't expect is the Batarang to land on the dry ground, cleanly split into two.

He looked at the two newcomers: a short girl dressed in a crimson suit and a matching mask, with strange symbols around the getup, and a boy next to her seemingly wearing a suit made of teal scales. The girl had her sword held out in front of her, undoubtedly the culprit of the broken Batarang.

Heroes I've never seen before, Bruce thought.

"Whoa, that's so cool!" The little girl gawked. "She cut your weapon to bits, old man!"

Bruce could only grunt in response.

"Who are you?" The girl in red narrowed her eyes at them, her short-cut bob swaying the wind.

"That's Batman," the boy whispered beside him, "Gotham's hero. And that girl . . ."

"I'm Danielle!" The child supplied for them. "You can call me Ellie! I'm here to save my brother and sister."

A spark of recognition lit up in Bruce's head. He whirled around to face Ellie. "By any chance, are your brother and sister Daniel and Jasmine Fenton?"

Ellie blinked up at him, taking cautious steps backwards. "How did you know that?"

Better explain the situation quickly. "I've done some investigation. There were some persons of interest who disappeared after an accident in a bus heading to Gotham. I am here to rescue some . . . residents of the city who were kidnapped." He then turned to the pair of heroes. "I assume you are here for Ms. Dupain-Cheng, Mr. Agreste, Ms. Bourgeois and Ms. Kubdel?"

The girl stiffened but lowered her sword. "We are."

"Will you tell us who you might be? I don't believe you're in the Justice League's hero database."

The two looked at each other in a silent conversation. It was the blue-haired boy who replied to him, "Sorry, that information's classified. But you can call me Viperion and this is Ryuko."

"Their names are so cool," Ellie marveled, "Unlike 'Batman'."

Bruce decided to ignore that statement.

"Is this the entrance to the place then?" Ryuko eyed the old sealed door.

"Yes, it seems to open only by special means." Bruce tapped on his device again.

Ellie knocked on the crusty door before putting an ear up to it. "You're taking such a looong time," she told them. "I'll open it."

Before Bruce could register anything, the child phased through the door and a click reverberated as the entrance cracked open. Behind it was a beaming Ellie, who seemed to take enjoyment from their stunned expressions.

Bruce walked into the dim passageway slowly. He wanted to believe that the fact these children were here proved that they were more than capable to protect themselves, he really did. But something inside him was screaming that he was responsible for them now.

He remained at the back of the group, with Ellie skipping along in the lead and Viperion and Ryuko following close behind her. "Do you all know what this place is?"

"Nope," said Ellie, popping the 'p'. "I just got word from Sam and Tucker that Danny and Jazz were in trouble and they just tracked them down. Oh . . . well they did say I should wait for them before I go but I thought I'd get a headstart! They could be dissecting my brother in there!"

Bruce was going to wait to unpack all of that. He suspected that if he asked too many questions, Ellie would become wary of him.

"Why would they be dissecting your brother?" Ryuko asked. 

"Oh sorry, 'vivisect'." Ellie hummed. "That's what they called it."

"What?"

Ellie waved the thought off as if it needed no further explanation. Bruce was ready to tear is hair off.

Viperion shifted his lyre to his other hand (a strange choice for a weapon, it seemed). "Um, as for Ryuko and I . . . we only managed to track down their locations. We know that this place seems to have ties with—"

Ryuko elbowed the other hero before he could say anything more.

"Right." Viperion continued, "But aside from one fact, we don't know much. We just need to save the captives and return them to safety."

"This is the base of an organization called the League of Assassins," Bruce explained. "I do advise on proceeding with caution; all the enemies we encounter will have an intent to kill."

"Pfft you can't kill what's already dead!"

"Sorry?"

"Oops!" Ellie faced them with a sheepish smile. "Forget I said anything."

Again, Bruce was going to ignore that . . . for a while.

Ryuko tilted her head. "What do you mean by that?"

Ellie only smiled, imitating their words earlier with an exaggerated low tone. "That information's classified."

Bruce grazed the walls of the tunnel. Although the structure was rugged, it wasn't as old as the one in Nanda Parbat. He could only guess that it was a new base built after the death of Ra's al Ghul. Nonetheless, he kept his senses peeled for traps and danger.

"Do any of you have an idea why the League of Assassins might abduct Daniel and Marinette?" Bruce threw out the question, something that had been burning at the back of his mind.

"He prefers ‘Danny’." Ellie skipped over a rock. "I. . . I dunno. He has a lot of enemies and I don't keep track so . . ."

"We don't know either," Viperion replied quietly. The sudden tense air that surrounded him and Ryuko told Bruce that there was something more, as if they were desperate for answers themselves.

Bruce sighed inwardly. As for Damian, he could only come up with tentative answers, never certainties. He anticipated that there would one day that Talia would come and try to bring his son back to the League, but the existence of Danny and Marinette were two things that added more confusion into the mix. If the League wanted something from the three of them, he could at least assume they wouldn't try to harm them.

Ellie stopped on her tracks all of a sudden and put her fingers on her ear. Bruce noticed the earpiece hidden by her unruly hair—she was speaking to someone. "Oh hey! Tuck. Sam. So I'm here now . . . What? Nooo, of course not! No, I haven't, not yet. But you'll never guess who I met over here!"

As Ellie smiled smugly at her proclaimed discovery, Bruce listened silently, wishing he could find out what the whole conversation was.

"What?! You got Wulf to portal you here? And then he left?" A frown crossed her features. "Ancients, how are we gonna go back? I mean I can fly but not you both and not Jazz. Yeah, you’re right—even if Danny can portal us out we’re not sure what condition he’s in."

Her eyes met Bruce's and they instantly sparkled with an idea. "Wait, hold on. Yeah, I know this is in the middle of nowhere! Just wait a sec!"

After hearing her press a button on the earpiece, Bruce finally spoke. "Do your companions need assistance?"

"Yup! There aren't any natural portals nearby so it's pretty hard to come here." Ellie shrugged. Bruce withheld from asking what she meant by 'portals'. He could assume that this 'Sam' and 'Tucker' don't have the same abilities as Ellie does, hence the transportation problem. He also had a sneaking feeling that they weren't much older than the girl herself.

"The Batplane is nearby; I can direct it to them." He started tapping on a screen attached to his forearm. "They can help with our getaway. The autopilot function will do most of the work anyway. But they'll have to stay there —it'll be too dangerous to go in here if it's just the two of them."

"Whoa, you became like seven times cooler, old man." Ellie laughed. "Tucker will freak out!"

She reopened her comm and began relaying the information to Sam and Tucker. Meanwhile, Bruce caught Viperion's gaze, who seemed to be studying him whilst whispering inaudibly to Ryuko. The older hero rolled his shoulders, feeling strangely pinned under his penetrative stare.

"Yeah 'course I'm with him!" Ellie rolled her eyes. "I'll get Danny and Jazz, don't worry. Oh, and he says not to touch anything or he'll feed you to man-eating bats!"

Bruce is suddenly reminded of his children. A little of the chaotic behavior like Tim, brashness from Jason, Damian's ferocity and Dick's recklessness. Even Stephanie's loudness. It was terribly ironic how he himself shared the same eyes with her.

When Ellie finished her talk and led the group to continue walking, Bruce inched closer to the two suited heroes and asked them about their travel mode. He didn't recall seeing or detecting any vehicle nearby. Perhaps they can fly?

"We have our own means," Ryuko answered.

"We might take you up on that plane offer but it depends on . . ." Viperion cut himself off again. "It depends."

He gave them a single nod. Maybe if he met the Parisian captives, he'd get more information out of them.

After a few minutes of walking, they reached another blockade: a door it looked like. Ellie wasted no time turning intangible and going through it, but she returned almost immediately. "There's no way to open it from inside," she reported.

This door did look different from the first one, Bruce noted. Instead of rotting wood, it was a chunk of steel bolted into the rock. No handle, no lock, no knob, but there was a protrusion on the wall beside it that looked like a small keypad.

"Let me try." He shuffled towards the front and looked at the device. He connected it to his screen and saw that the lock was more complex than he thought, made up of foreign symbols and alphanumerics.

"Hn. There's too many combinations to consider. This will take too much time." His eyebrows furrowed. There must be a straightforward password of some sorts.

"Don't you have, like, a blaster?" Ellie tapped her knuckles on the metal.

". . .No."

"So how long would it take to brute force it?" Viperion asked.

"A hundred forty-six hours approximately." Bruce glanced back at them.

Ryuko seemed to have kept up with whatever was on her companion's mind. She shot him a scowl. "No. You're not doing that," she said firmly. "You're going to transform back."

Transform back? There is a limit to their forms? Bruce wondered.

"I can hide to recharge," said Viperion.

Still, the heroine was unconvinced. She shook her head. "I have an idea. Let me try."

"But you'll detransform too."

"I won't if I don't use all three."

Viperion surrendered, stepping back to let her carry out her plan. Ryuko moved forward, brought her sword, and mumbled some words under her breath. In a blink, she disappeared and a bolt of lightning pierced through the tunnel, attacking the steel door and searing a crack on the rock. She reappeared soon afterwards.

Yet the door didn't budge.

Bruce was pretty sure Ryuko hissed out a French curse.

She turned to Viperion again. "Maybe water . . ."

"Really?" He gave her an amused smile.

"Fine. Go ahead." Ryuko crossed her arms. "But do not overdo it. I'll watch your back when you detransform."

It was Viperion's turn this time; his movements were followed by a silent but eager-eyed Ellie. He turned the band on his wrist and tapped on the lock. With a beep and a hiss, the steel door slid to the side to grant them entry.

Bruce stared at him. "It was that fast for you?"

He shrugged nonchalantly. "Not really. Took me like five thousand one hundred forty tries. And that's already pretty lucky."

"Whaaat?" Ellie gawked, peering up at the keypad. "Do you have superspeed or something?"

He only responded with a cryptic smile.

Beeps began to sound from the same band he wore. "Um, I'll go back a bit so you don't see me," he told them. "But you three can go ahead and I'll catch up."

He jogged down the passage behind them, merging with the dark. Though Bruce was brimming with curiosity, the expression on Ryuko's face was enough to warn them that they shouldn't try to pry into it.

---

Bruce soon received an alert informing him that two passengers had boarded the Batplane. He connected to its comms and heard a voice testing the line: "Uhh, hello? Is this thing on?"

And another voice. "Tuck, are you sure you know what you're doing?"

His hunch was correct. They were kids. He was surrounded by children. Children who were supposed to save people from a literal assassin breeding ground.

"The line is open," he replied, "You are Sam and Tucker, correct?"

"Whazat?" Ellie turned her head upon hearing her friends' names.

Instead of speaking, Bruce switched the communicator to loudspeaker so the others could also hear.

"Oh. My. Ancients. That was Batman! Sam, did you hear him?" Tucker gasped.

The girl, Sam, sounded exasperated. "I know, I know."

Ellie leapt to Bruce's side, exclaiming. "I'm here too!"

Sam's tone softened. "Ellie? Is that you? Aren't you transformed? Your voice isn't . . . garbled."

Ellie blinked, seemingly remembering something. She must've read confusion on Bruce's face despite it being covered since she grinned sheepishly. "Normal tech can't pick up sounds from my . . . uuh, other form." She motioned on the earpiece she wore. "That reminds me, hey Tucker can you connect that thing to my Fenton phone?"

"I'd have to plug it in and make adjustments," said Tucker. "Do you—erm, mind Mr. Batman, sir?"

If it would make communication easier for them, then it shouldn't be a problem, Bruce decided. "I don't mind."

"Sweet." Ellie hopped to the front of the group again.

Ryuko cleared her throat. "Ellie, who are these people?"

"Sam and Tucker. Danny's friends but I guess they're my friends too." She didn't elaborate further. Bruce made a mental note to scour for more information about them.

Soon they reached another obstacle. The stony door had a wheel in its middle, sort of like one used to steer a ship. Ellie phased through again, and returned with a sullen look on her face. "It looks like a dead end," she relayed. "Only way is straight down. I would've fallen if I couldn't fly."

"But the way you came from seems like the most used entrance," Tucker's voice sounded from the screen. "You guys sure there aren't hidden passageways there?"

Bruce headed towards the door. If it was actually the only path, then the wheel must have some kind of use. He tentatively turned the wheel, just around ninety degrees to test it, then it spun back into place.

"Hey look, there's some kind of symbols on the handle," Ellie pointed out.

"Is it a puzzle?" Ryuko tilted her head.

"But if there's a dead end behind it, what's the point of unlocking the door?" Viperion said.

Bruce thought for a moment. Solving this 'puzzle' doesn't have to unlock the door. He checked his device that tracked their path so far. They needed to move straight north, where the center would be, but the winding path was taking them northeast. The wheel must be something that could 'steer' them to the right direction.

He tried turning it: clockwise until it hit a break at about a hundred eighty degrees. This time, the wheel didn't revert back. The ground started to shake, and the entire tunnel seemed to be moving to the side with them in it. He braced himself against the door until the motions stopped. It automatically opened to reveal a connecting path.

"Whoa." Ellie said, "How'd you know you were supposed to do that?"

"I'm a detective."

Tucker spoke again. "Of course he knows! He's Batman, Ellie!"

The girl put her arms behind her head as they walked. "I would've phased through everything if I were alone."

"Don't use your powers carelessly," Sam warned her. "It's dangerous."

"I know that!"

Batman wondered how many locked doors were left. They couldn't spend their time in the tunnels forever—who knows what the League was doing to the captives. Unfortunately, they couldn't enter too recklessly and catch attention. Bruce felt that they were going to be in the base for much longer than he predicted.

What met them next is not a door, nor a dead end but a three-way split of the path.

"Huh." Ellie paused. "That means we'll have to split up, right?"

Bruce peered at each passage, only to be faced by gnawing and ominous darkness. It was possible that there would only be one correct path and the rest were traps or dead ends. But it was also possible that all three were 'correct' and led to different places.

"We can split up," he began slowly, "But we should keep communications open just in case."

Ellie tapped on her 'Fenton phone'. "No problem for me."

The other two heroes had pulled out earpieces of their own from their weapons. "We can connect to your line," said Ryuko. "We'll just have to find it."

"Can you connect to me too?" Ellie watched with curious eyes as the two wore their own (likely magic-driven) comms.

"Of course."

After some final words (Bruce had to keep himself from giving too much advice), they parted ways and faded into the unknown.

---

Five minutes passed and Bruce realized that he was alone again. Perhaps having the others brought a sense of comfort to him, a reminder that they were on a rescue operation together. Now Bruce was somewhat more vulnerable, more untrusting of the shadows that could lurk around. He kept his breaths steady, telling himself that he was going to find his sons soon.

His eye caught a movement up ahead.

Bruce's hand flew to his waist, ready to draw a weapon anytime. He stilled, and waited until the shadow shifted, morphing into a woman with steely eyes and a cold smile directed towards him.

"Hello, Bruce."

"Nyssa." He whispered under his breath. 

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Taglist: @laurcad123

[semimedieval]

the beach part 8: much like early 10s hitmaker bruno mars, quartz does is gay

i'm eating the most crazy delicious leftovers maybe ever. my fan is on my window is open. i don't want to work but i maybe have another hour of little menial/argumentative tasks left in me before fullscale Weekend Indulgence. but this post isn't about any of that. this post is about quartz and spark going into town.

Last time we saw Quartz, she was in the middle of a plot significant/emotional development significant conversation with Rim for the second time, and casually fucked off from that conversation, also for the second time. It's funny how much the storyline ebb and flow of this roleplay depends on Who's Online – there's no point in having Quartz linger indefinitely next to Rim if it's Jack who's online, not Moopy. Or at least so the logic goes – but there is no reason not to creatively stretch these limitations, to have Obsidian talk to Spark, to have Lupus talk to Ky (as they haven't meaningfully done for ages, not since breaking up and getting back together. there's a lot to unpack there but god forbid actions have consequences!!!)

Anyway the good news is that 15 year old Katia was bare-minimum competent enough to fuse those two Quartz/Rim conversations into one – a conversation that comes before the dragon, which threw me off a little because my dominant memory of events is the one in 2.0. They also, of course, put a Compulsory Heterosexuality spin onto this classic line:

Quartz had put on a pair of shorts a few hours ago. "What's up, Spark?" she asked her friend. "Nothing much." she stood up. "I'm going back into town! Sound good?" "Sure, I'll come too. I need to get away...from all the people..." she paused, aware of how odd that sounded coming from her mouth. It was Obsidian who was the misanthrope. Not her. Definitely not her. "let's go!" she said, taking her hand.

I'll give my 2012 self this: the level of 'constantly having a gay crisis' that Quartz was written as in this roleplay, apparently completely by accident, is fucking incredible. Her dogged avoidance of Rim every time it seems like things are getting too intimate between them. Her gravitation towards Spark. These weird floating moments of sadness, to which young Katia does not assign a source – as a writer, they themself seem only partially aware of what the source even is, but they know the sadness is there. Everyone should read their own writing from when they were a clueless child. Nobody's writing should be clueless on purpose, but clueless writing is fascinating and revelatory.

We get a little bit of what passes in this RP for detailed worldbuilding, which is fun.

Even though it was night, the town was still active and alive. Quartz looked around. "It's so different from Goatville," she murmured. "Back home, everyone was asleep at this time. There were no posh shops, and any sweets you could buy were cheap. The food was different in general." Sadness touched her eyes at the memory of the fire.

It's interesting – the thought of Quartz as a very outgoing and vivid personality who finds herself growing more melancholic with age is a compelling one, but it's nonsense, structurally, to insist that that process is a product of the roleplay's events. The most traumatic events in Quartz's life happen in the narrative's prologue and in its first major venture in the outside world – Silva's death and what follows, then the Goatville fire. That conclusion is kind of evident from the way I'm writing Quartz in 3.0, and the root of that is reflected in the source material – it's not a progression from perky to melancholic, it's that those two modes of seeing the world are always present in Quartz. If anything, her journey in 3.0 is defined by her relationships to people and to magic, how those relationships change, the new fears and new opportunities that they open.

In any case, Spark is too busy coming up with ice cream-related heist ideas to entertain Quartz's new contemplative mode.

Spark walked into an ice-cream store. She put her hands on her hips in indignation. "How expensive!" Spark walked over to the counter and put on her sweet girl face. Quartz held back a giggle; Spark's angelic look was quite a sight to see. She herself turned her toes inward, looked up, and put her hands behind her back.

What follows is a pretty dumb scene where Spark flirts her way into a free ice cream, does not share any with Quartz, and declares that this approach for acquiring goods and services "Works every time!" Rim catches this on surveillance cameras, which is funny because Quartz and Spark did not really commit a crime – if anybody would be getting in trouble it would be the poor kid at the cash register.

Ice cream acquired, the two of them walk back from town, and Rim hits them with "I saw all of it!" What a weirdo. Quartz reacts to it with a Draco Rizlak level of aggressiveness / throws her best friend under the bus, so I guess she is written to have a crush on Rim now.

Spark started blushing. "Wh-what?" Quartz's eyes widened unnecessarily and she clenched her fists. "Spark has rather odd...methods," she said finally. "What?" she made a show of raising her hands in the air. "I'm broke!" He grinned. "Uhuh, lucky for you a few minutes of video feed was mysteriously deleted. You had almost three cameras pointing at you" Quartz blinked. "Thanks, I suppose." He shrugged. "It's fine, I just guessed you didn't want people to be watching the entire scene."

Then it's his turn to fuck off abruptly and bother Lorcan. I'm not going to recap that because I do not care about Lorcan, but I did giggle about this.

Spark nudged Quartz. "You have a crush on him or something?" (No one should hear that but Quartz XD) "Why would I?" Quartz said in a steely voice. Then seeing Spark's look of hurt, she smiled at her friend and said, "Sorry. Let's go do something. Or something. Else." Spark laughed. "I see how it is. What SHOULD we do?" "Mmm..." she sat down on the sand and hugged her knees. "I honestly have no idea."

I'm still in the Dragon RP School Of OC Romances With Internet Strangers, which is to say "even if you're interested in writing a subplot like that, you have to play it cool by reacting to the possibility with the most aggression possible." I don't think this is in character for Quartz, and that I handle it better (though stupider in other ways) in 2.0, where Quartz's answer is something more "Yes. No. I don't know!"

There is so much Bruno Mars on this playlist, by the way.

Lorcan, Rim, and Ky scale some cliffs, Ky expresses some extremely PE-class-experience vibe thoughts about liking individual exercises but not team sports, and then they explore some caves, one of which has bones in it, a fact that goes more or less unremarked after Lorcan notices it. Spark commits to building a sandcastle, and Quartz helps. It's pretty adorable.

"What's that?" Quartz asked curiously as she built turrets. "Main structure." she cleared out the inside and drew little windows on the sides. Quartz nodded, smiling. Picking up a sharp, pointy rock, she used it to carve a brick pattern into the sand. Spark made turrets higher up on the main bulding. She then made little sand people and carefully placed them inside. "Quartz! Give them light!" Grinning, Quartz, carefully inserted her hand into the castle and snapped her finges. Merry little lights became visible through Spark's windows, lighting up the night.

Then we break the boundaries of magic a little bit, committing to the bit if the bit is 'nonsense.' We even get some continuity with That Damn Squirrel.

Spark made a bridge. A mischievous glint appeared in her eyes. "How about you give the sand people light hearts?" Quartz's eyes widened. "Is that possible?" "Ky brought that squirrel back to life. Just give it a try!" She shrugged and touched the sand person. He waved up at her and blew a raspberry. "Haha! Cool!" One got up and walked around, taking the crown. Lupus walked up behind them. "Now you've got a proper castle. You need a coronation." Spark observed the tiny people."Looks like they're forming a kingdom." A king and Queen sat at the head of the castle, with servants running around. Lupus knelt down before the one with the crown. "I crown thee king," he said in a formal voice. The sand person looked up at him and straightened his crown, bowing. Quartz laughed.

I do not think I'm keeping this but 15-year-old me was right to spin it out into a labored metaphor, even though they fumbled the execution. It's asking to be a labored metaphor. Spark and Quartz and Lupus build a kingdom, with the rules and reference points they know structuring the way the kingdom looks. But in the end it cannot stay. Doomed to be washed away by the tide and the wind.

22 works less well as a throwback song. I have definitely heard that song in non-2013 contexts.

Crucially, Quartz and Spark walk alongside the beach. Quartz is still being written as if she is desperately in love with her best friend and close to opening those floodgates at all times, which is awesome.

Quartz took one last look at the castle, already bustling with activity. She then followed Spark. Spark walked along the beach, letting the water wash up on her bare feet. "Spark?" Quartz asked suddenly. "Hmmm?" she looked up at Quartz. "What is it?" "What's.... important to you?" she asked, looking down. "An odd question, that's for sure." "That's easy. My friends. Definitely. And you?" she asked. "Yeah, my friends, I suppose. And Obsidian. And, well. Light, in a way. Does that even make sense?"

I love Spark's confidence in contrast with Quartz's hesitation, and I love that, as the beach adventure progresses, the POV focus of 'who's the character with interiority, who's the accessory' shifts pretty neatly from Obsidian to Quartz. The problem with this, of course, is that they should both have interiority and that I miss hearing from Obsidian and to a lesser extent from Leander. The good news is that we get these iconic Quartz moments with Spark and Rim, which will set the stage for this character's stranglehold on my psyche.

Anyway, the two of them do the whole silly 'ah if only we were normal.... instead, we have, Powers....' thing that this roleplay loves to backtrack to when it doesn't have any better ideas.

"Yah. I mean, what would we be without the elements?" Spark gave a knowing look. "We'd be people. And with them we're Extranei. Outsiders." "Oh,god. Still stuck on that? We SAVE the people. That makes us heros. True, most of them fear us. HAve you ever....just....just..wanted to be normal?" ";No, not really. I was just saying. I don't really want much else... But I sort of miss the days when Silva was alive and I lived in Goatville. Sometimes." "What is the one thing you miss the most?" "I don't know," she shrugged, sitting down in the sand. "Anyway, it's fine."

that said, the narrative does go from there to somewhere pretty interesting: for what might be the actual first time, Quartz deigns to remember that Sylva was her friend too, that she misses the life she had even if she wouldn't trade it away. It's a belated but necessary character touchpoint, tangible evidence that I spent that whole summer teaching myself how to write with the unmatched power of Websites.

The bad news is that it doesn't go anywhere; the good news is that I take it into some productive, if still flawed, directions by the time that 2.0 rolls around. In this particular lull between moments of action and plot-moving, the outcomes are a lot more memorable and compelling than they were the first time, which is why almost nothing from the first time made it into 2.0 (2015–2016 Katia knew how to cut some stuff.) But the time for quiet contemplation has passed us by, because Augustine is back online for good. It's time to lose a surrogate sister and gain a future husband, Spark. Everyone else... do whatever.

[schmedterlingfreud]

Welp, I really think I'm in the middle of another good ol' burnout. It's been a long time since we saw each other, you and me, old champ.

This time, in addition to being painful, exhausting, it was also almost embarrassing, because I was about to have a crisis in the middle of my work shift. The worst and most difficult part of it went on for about an hour and a half -- two hours, maybe -- but that didn't stopped me and I continued to work. The scene is as pathetic to imagine as it was to play it in my shoes. My swollen and red eyes; tears held back between quivering eyelashes; patches of redness that gradually spread on the cheeks and the tip of my nose; the trembling of my lower lip; and the repeated sucking noise from my dripping nose.

But I didn't cry. Not even a tear runned down my cheek. I continued to work in the bubble of scorching heat being hold by the factory walls. Putting packages in the cartons, stacking the cartons, taking the pallet away -- all of this with the miserable face of someone who has just been scolded by the shift boss in the locker room bathrooms. Maybe it would have been better. I would have inspired more compassion.

I carried on. I carried on as always, despite the desire to grab my hair, to fall on my knees on the cracker-strewn floor, and to scream, even louder and louder than the commotion of the wrapping machines. “It's okay,” I kept telling myself, blowing slow and deep breaths through my mouth. "It's okay. Keep working, finish your eight hours, and then you can go home and vent as much as you want, even streaming a tears flood in your car during the road trip." And the idea was tempting, indeed. Just figuring it made me feel better. Getting into the car, leaning against the steering wheel squeezed in my hands, and screaming until feeling my head deflated, until all the horrible voices that gave me no peace were broken. "Pathetic, pathetic, lame, weak, failure, useless, you're just a failure…"

I held back tears out of pride and professionality -- we were still working, after all. But there was a moment in which I sincerely considered the idea of ​​grabbing one of my closest coworkers, one of those who I don't even like too much, and then falling into her arms, simply letting her hold me for a few minutes. Crying on her chest, sobbing until my throat hurts and my eyes melt. I was looking at her from afar, thinking, "Please, E., please, come here and hug me. Just for a little while, just for a minute, but come here and hold me, let me feel just a little bit of love." Obviously that didn't happen.

Then things got better. During the midnight break I was already began to feel better. Bad voices faded, my mind was calm but still fogged. A very typical situation: "You're not youself when you're hungry, here, have a Snickers." But the pain remained. And I know it will return, sparked by the smallest thing, the smallest thought, the simplest and harmless image.

Maybe I should take a break from writing, if I'm so distressed about it, but I don't want to. The thought of not writing makes me a thousand times more anxious than the thought of writing and getting a burnout from it.

I'm scared because I've already lived through a period like this, and I came out of it badly, broken and exhausted. I'm still broken and exhausted, despite everything I did to heal from it.

That time it was way worse, yes. That time I understood what it meant to burn myself out to the point of being consumed. Making writing an obsession, depriving myself of sleep or food in order to remain with my hands on the laptop keys and continue tapping and working, to the point of exhaustion, trembling and crying with fear at the idea that something could stop me from continuing. Being victim of that little voice that tells you: "If you stop now, no one will read you anymore. If you stop writing, if you don't spend every single minute of your free time writing, your failure will be your own fault. You don't want to have regrets, right? Do you know what will happen if you give the impression that you are slowing down? All your readers will disappear, no one will ever read what you write again, and all the efforts you have made so far will have been in vain."

Scary as Hell, right?

Needless to say, it didn't end well. I burned like a fucking match, and I'm still paying the consequences -- my permanent self-harm scars are there and will be with me for the rest of my life.

I'm scared because I feel like I did then, and the images that flash in my head are the ones that pushed me to those horrible actions years ago.

I even started taking Xanax again after years of abstinence, without telling anyone. I dip it from old supplies, in fact. I hope it hasn't expired. If it is, it's working anyway, so let's rejoice! It's not a good thing to have to rely on meds, tho. It's not a good thing to be unable to control your anxiety and obsessive thoughts after all this time.

I feel like it's the same, I still feel broken like I was that time, and yet I also feel different. I'm not in a depressive state, absolutely not. In fact, since I moved away from my old home, I feel much more lively and productive than before, both in terms of housework, leaving the house to go to work, and in terms of writing. I write a lot more, and I do it with more energy. Maybe this is exactly why I feel the burnout approaching. I'm giving it my all, I'm burning more than ever, with no one to feed me with more wood.

It's a recurring image that I also had in my past years, when I happened to stop and think about my most intense writing periods, when I used to sacrifice my body and soul for my stories, but without ever managing to achieve what I aspired to. I felt like an exploited and withered old cow. The agonized cries, the old and sore skin, the peeled hooves, the dried up udders yet red from the constant chafing marks. She is milked every day, without mercy, deprived of the last drop of milk, and forced to nibble only on a few tufts of dry grass, without being offered anything else.

What recognition did I hope -- and still hope -- to receive? I'm still wondering that.

It's no readers's fault if I don't feel fulfilled, at all. The real problem is that writing is my whole life. I have a "real" job, of course. I need a roof and a meal, and I don't lack these things. I chose a job that doesn't require passion or emotional involvement -- I work in a fucking factory, for fuck sake! -- because it allows me to concentrate all my mental energy on the only thing that gives me true happiness: writing.

I have no friends. My family is broken. I don't have a social life. I don't go out to have fun and I have nobody to go out and have fun. When I'm at work I think about what I'll write when I'm at home, and when I'm at home I use all the time I have to write and work on what I'll publish online. "You have to do it" the little voices tell me. "If you don't write until your soul is dry, then you can at least say you tried with all of your strenght."

I tried. I'm trying. Why then can't I be happy?

From this point of view I feel a bit like Joe, the main character of "Soul", the Pixar movie. He has dedicated his whole life to music. Music is the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks about when he goes to sleep. Having reached middle age, despite having sacrificed his entire life in the name of his passion, he still cannot feel satisfied. He suddenly realizes that he has never really lived. Then, finally taking the opportunity he has been chasing for all his life, he realizes: "Is that all? Now what?"

I'm starting to understand him more and more.

The satisfaction I got from my writing and my stories was never enough. There was never a moment when I found myself thinking, "This is what I wanted. This is the recognition I expected to receive. This is the satisfaction I hoped to feel all along." I don't want to feel this way. I feel so so so ungrateful, but still…

It happens to me many times, reading stories online, seeing authors write sentences like: "Wow! I didn't expect all this warmth from you readers! The success of the previous chapter was truly unexpected! When I started this story and this adventure, I never expected to receive all this support and all this enthusiasm." In the comments section, to testify to this, hundreds and hundreds of different users who are enthusiastic, showering them with kudos. So many readers the author doesn't have time to answer to all of them.

I used to be happy to read famous stories. They inspired me, involve me, gave me the desire to improve and to write like that. Now I only feel a rotten and terrible envy that makes my stomach burn and crawl.

The character I most associate with this feeling is Antonio Salieri. The character from the movie "Amadeus", not the real musician Antonio Salieri. For him too, like Joe from "Soul", music is everything. Salieri sacrifices everything to achieve the success he feels he deserves in the musical field. He even takes a vow of chastity. My everything for my success! There is nothing else in his life, nothing worth living, other than the pursuing of that dream. Then here comes Mozart, who takes music as a game, so naturally, without forgetting everything else in his life, and who still achieves more success than him. And poor Salieri ends his life in madness, forgotten, crushed under the weight of his mediocrity.

The point is, I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. I love writing so much. I love sharing my work and I hope readers will partecipate to my enthusiasm with me. When I see that this enthusiasm falls on deaf ears, like a stone in a well, I feel a part of me crumbling and collapsing with it.

Maybe I should just… stop setting expectations? I've been writing for as long as I can remember. I've been posting and sharing my work online for more than 13 years, and I feel like I've accomplished nothing, like there's something wrong with me.

I'm a shitty person. Not just to say so. It's just what I am. I am selfish, cold, closed in my solitude, not inclined to affection. Maybe that's why I don't have any friends, duh? Furthermore, I have a shitty job that offers no career opportunities -- but that's okay, I knew the deal, this is what I chose. The only shred of value I see in myself is what I pour into my writing. But this writing has no recognition. Does that mean I'm worthless in every way?

In all these years, I have crossed and spaced many genres, I have written shorter stories and longer stories, fan fiction and originals. No feedback has ever proportionally repaid all the work and effort I put behind my words.

Maybe I simply don't have the sparkle? Maybe I'm just a mediocre author? Maybe I have to resign myself that what I write will never appeal to a wide audience as much as I want it to?

At this point I feel obligated to mention one final storytelling comparison -- Mashiro and Takagi from "Bakuman".

Same old story already told with Joe and Salieri. All life and youth sacrificed in the name of one cause and one dream, in this case not music, but manga. To achieve success, they sweat, fight backlash after backlash, and even find themselves envious of other manga artists. Of Nizuma, the genius, who doesn't seem to make an effort to be the number one. But also of Hiramaru. Hiramaru hates his job, he hates working hard and he hates drawing manga, yet he succeeds. He does it well and is more successful than Mashiro and Takagi who instead spit tears and blood on every page they write and draw.

Their editor often warns them, faced with their desire to be successful: "Just deal with it: what you do well is not suitable for the bigger public, but only for a niche audience, so you will never be able to compare yourself to other authors like Nizuma who instead are able to capture much larger segments of the public. Put your heart at rest, continue to draw with your audience in mind, and be satisfied with it."

I'm not so presumptuous as to compare myself to truly talented authors like Mashiro and Takagi, of course not. Because at this point I'm thinking that my writing is just as bad that it doesn't even deserve a niche audience.

And I know that the situation is going to get worse from now on, for one simple fact. I'm getting old. The older I get, the more I distance myself from the fandom target, that is, a younger audience who will consequently be looking for thoughts and ideas that align with the minds of their generation. And that's okay. But for whom should I continue to write, then? Just for myself? Should I resign myself to the idea of ​​continuing to scream into the void for the rest of my life?

But what can I do about it? This problem may seem insignificant, yet my pain is real and it is consuming me as it has consumed me once before, devouring my thoughts, burning in the center of my head, and shattering every beat of my soul.

Now, I know that despite everything I will carry on. I will continue to write, despite the pain, and I will continue to look for my happiness, my fulfillment. Trying, in the meantime, not to return to "bad old habits" to vent the pain and frustration that would otherwise eat my brain away.

... fuck, I need a Xanax so bad, right now.

I wrote this text to vent, but I hope it can also help someone else. And please: don't take it as a whine or a complaint. I love my readers, even if they're few and even if sporadic or quiet. You are truly the only smiles of my days, the only thing that is worth continuing to sit down and type on the word document.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for pity. Maybe just a little… solidarity?

Do you writers (or artists!) also experience similar feelings? Do you also feel like your efforts are in vain? Do you also feel like you are constantly looking for approval that never comes? Have you also faced bad burnouts? Please, if you have any stories and experiences to share, I would be so happy to hear them. To support each other, perhaps. Or to have a little vent, to feel better and not so alone.

If you made it so far and if you read all of this: you rock! You're amazing. Please, have a candy, stay hydrate, and treat yourself well. 🍬

You deserve it. You are worth it.

[partially-closeted-kansan-gay]

Haircut Crisis

Well, I finally got a haircut. I've been growing it out for close to a year now, getting it trimmed every now and then, but letting it grow out as long as possible. Just the whole process, of how this haircut came about was so stupid.

I'm 21 years old, and my parents(homophobes that they are) were pressuring me to get it cut, because it made me look "too much like I'm gay". To be fair, they don't know that I am. So on Monday when I finally gave in and did get it cut, I went to the person who always cuts it, and I was stressed, because I didn't want to do this, and they knew I didn't want to do it, but it was either they did it, or my mother did it with scissors.

I went without either of my parents, because if either of them came, they would end up trying to control the end result. Well, it turns out that it wouldn't matter in the end, because I was so stressed about having to this done in the first place, that I couldn't figure out what I wanted the end result to look like, so the stylist came up with something they thought would look nice. Me not being able to make a choice(really me repeating "I don't know" when asked what I wanted to do) sparked a whole conversation about controlling behavior, and whether or not I've seen the same thing happening between my parents and younger siblings(which I have). This, in turn, spun off into another conversation about what I needed(my response was the same), because they've made the decisions for me my entire life, being a traditional Christian family. That started what I classified as a sort of crisis in my mind, because other than being very flamboyantly gay when not in their sightline, I don't think I've had a single original thought outside of their control in my life, and I really don't know what to do.

[reyescarlos]

all through the night || a tarlos fic

❄️ @911giftexchange fic for @buckieys ❄️

happy holidays, sy! i'm wishing you a wonderful and prosperous new year. i hope this fic helps to usher in 2021 right!

word count: 5.2k || read on ao3

All through the night I'll be awake and I'll be with you All through the night This precious time when time is new

When Carlos envisioned winter in New York, his elaborate fantasies had somehow managed to eclipse the reality of what it might actually entail. He had enjoyed his brief stay, taking in the window displays along Fifth Avenue. It had long since been something he wanted to see for himself and the storefronts had more than delivered. But on the flipside of such a picturesque scene has come the downside of what heavy amounts of snow could mean.

It’s why he finds himself now planted in a too hard seat at JFK Airport, wondering how he’ll possibly fill his time now that his flight has been delayed until morning. Outside the blizzard rages on with no real end in sight and Carlos mulls over the merits of his decision to leave Texas in the New Year and make this city his home. This is a far cry from Austin. He’d once thought winter temperatures there could be bad but it’s been nothing compared to the arctic blast in the North.

He tries to keep busy with a book but his attention is split between the words before him and the cute guy across from him frantically digging inside his backpack, a phone teetering dangerously on his knee.

“God, where is that stupid thing,” the man mumbles to himself. “Come on charger, where are you?”

Carlos looks away, burying his head in his book to hide the smile that breaks out on his face. The guy is obviously peeved but Carlos can’t help but to find his muttering endearing. After another moment of fruitless searching on the stranger’s end, Carlos takes mercy on him.

“Here, you can borrow mine,” he says, unzipping his own backpack and fishing out his charger.

The man sighs in relief. “Thank you. I really appreciate it,” he replies, reaching over and taking the cord from Carlos.

He settles back and plugs it into the wall, the screen lighting up a moment later. Carlos smiles politely and gets back to reading, only to be interrupted.

“So, I take it you’re heading down to visit family before the new year comes, huh?” the stranger says.

Carlos looks up from his book, head tilting slightly. It hadn’t been expecting the man to strike up a conversation.

“Sorry, awkward small talk. I’ll let you get back to it,” he says, face scrunching as he gestures to the book in Carlos’ hands.

Carlos waves him off, bookmarking his page and closing it.

“No worries. We’re here all night so...plenty of time for that.” He licks his lips and drums his fingers against the front. “To answer your question though, no. Austin is actually my home so I’m just heading back.”

“Oh, cool. I’m going to see my dad. I thought he’d want to do the whole white Christmas, New York for the New Year thing but ever since he moved down to Austin last year, I think he’s gotten spoiled by the warmer weather.”

The man looks out of the window where the snow is swirling so heavily it’s hard to even see the sky or planes sitting idly on the tarmac.

“Guess I can’t exactly blame him.”

Carlos laughs. “It’s disgustingly cold here and all of that,” he says, gesturing to the storm, “doesn’t help. I don’t know how you guys manage.”

“You get used to it. I’ve only ever grown up with it so while I like to complain about the snow at times, I can’t picture this time of year without it. It’s been a few years since it’s been this bad though, I’ll admit.”

Carlos smiles a bit, looking out of the window briefly. “This is actually my first time experiencing snow. And the city was gracious enough to give me a blizzard to commemorate.”

The man smiles at this thoughtfully. He sits up, stretching his hand out across the aisle towards Carlos.

“I’m TK, by the way.”

Carlos touches his fingertips to his forehead before shaking TK’s hand.

“God, my mother would be so ashamed of my manners right now,” he laughs. “I’m Carlos. It’s nice to meet you.”

He lets go, his palm feeling extremely warm from TK’s touch. TK smiles at him, a slow grin that ultimately reveals his teeth. This man is very good looking, there’s no denying that. He’s got an easy way about him that makes Carlos feel comfortable in his presence as if they’re old friends catching up and not perfectly good strangers meeting for the first time.

TK’s phone buzzes, stealing his attention and Carlos is all too grateful for it. TK types something on the device for a few seconds before pausing.

“Sorry, excuse me for a second,” he says, putting his phone to his ear.

Carlos nods and gestures for him to go for it.

“Hey, Dad. I—,” TK starts out but stops short as his father speaks. “I bet it’s all over the news but I’m alright. Not looking forward to being stuck here overnight but,” he continues, his eyes landing on Carlos and away so quickly Carlos is sure he’s imagined it. “I guess there are worse ways to be trapped for a few hours.”

Carlos looks away then, cracking open his book again to keep himself occupied while TK chats with his father. He tries not to dwell heavily on TK’s look or what the implications of that glance could mean. It could’ve been a coincidence and nothing more. All the same, it doesn’t make his heart race any less to think that TK feels a spark too.

TK ends the call with a sigh, stretching out his legs before bouncing one of them. The gesture is distracting but endearing. For the second time, Carlos closes his book, this time putting it back into his bag for good as TK speaks to him again.

“Are you hungry? I could go for a bite.”

“I could eat,” Carlos says. He rises from his seat as TK does, both men dragging their carry-ons along with them.

They follow the winding path down from their gate, Carlos taking notice of all the fellow flyers now forced to wait out the storm. Some have taken to stretching out on the ground, laying on top of jackets like makeshift sleeping bags, others keeping busy with phones and tablets, hunched over in chairs.

Carlos isn’t looking forward to the uncomfortable sleep he’ll have tonight but as he looks over at TK, he wonders just how much rest he’ll actually manage to get. The guy is already proving himself to be a good way to pass the time and Carlos can’t say he wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to keep chatting with him.

As they approach the cluster of food stands, TK groans and it’s easy to see why. Many of the shops are already closed, no doubt the employees hurrying home before the worst of the storm kicked in. All that’s available now is Cinnabon but Carlos supposes that can suffice as dinner.

TK orders a hot chocolate and a classic roll while Carlos opts for a cold brew in addition to a roll as well. TK eyes the drink with raised brows.

“I’m fully committing to the cause of being awake until we board, apparently,” Carlos muses, pushing his straw through the lid and taking a sip. “Worth it.”

The two head to a nearby empty table, settling into their elevated seats before unloading their food. The scent coming off the baked goods is incredible and Carlos’ stomach suddenly feels desperate for a bite.

“So, Carlos, since we’ve nominated each other for the buddy system while we wait this storm out,” he jokes, “Why don’t you tell me more about yourself?”

Carlos drums his fingers on the tabletop as he tries to decide what to share.

“Well, you already know that Austin is where I’m from but the whole reason I’m even here now is because I’m going to be moving to New York soon. I’ll be transferring next month.”

TK’s brows raise. “Seriously? That’s awesome. Do you mind if I ask what you do?”

“I’m a police officer. I’ve been with the Austin Police Department for a few years but I’ve been considering leaving Texas for a little while now and I’ve been exploring my options. For some reason my mind kept coming back to the idea of New York and I figured I should just take the chance and see what happens.”

TK laughs and shakes his head. “Oh man, well, we have something in common, more or less. I’m with the NYFD myself.”

Carlos holds up a hand. “Wait, wait, wait. You’re a firefighter?” he laughs.

TK puffs out his chest jokingly and nods with a grin on his face. “That’s right. Ladder 252.”

Carlos does his best to push the image of TK in uniform from mind but the picture is an appealing one. He can see it so clearly, the way he’d look in suspenders, not to mention full gear. It’s almost unfair just how much hotter the man becomes as if Carlos hasn’t spent this whole time finding him attractive. He picks up his drink again for something to do with his hands, swirling the straw inside of the cup.

“Small world. Outside of my own little bubble, I can’t say I casually meet many people who are first responders. We seem to be a pretty special breed to get into this line of work.”

TK laughs. “I fell into this because of my dad. He’s been a firefighter for years. He, uh, actually was on site during 9/11. I always thought he was incredible but knowing the full scope of what he and so many others did that day and for people in times of crisis, big and small in general, it just made me want to be like him.”

Carlos frowns, unsure of what to even say or think. “Your dad’s a hero.”

“I like to think so.” TK draws in a breath, squaring his shoulders. “Anyway, now he’s kicking ass down in Texas so, even though I miss him as my captain, I know he’s doing great work with his crew down there.”

Curiosity gets the better of Carlos as he asks, “What station is he with?”

“The 126,” TK replies, taking a sip of his hot chocolate.

Carlos’ eyes widen. “Captain Owen Strand is your father?”

It makes sense the longer he looks at TK. Captain Strand is an attractive older guy and TK clearly got handed some solid genes. Still, it throws him for a loop to realize they have a legitimate connection to each other.

TK tilts his head to the side. “You know him? Shit, okay, wow, small world just got a whole hell of a lot smaller.”

“Unbelievable,” Carlos laughs in disbelief. “I don’t know him that well but we work together sometimes on calls. He’s amazing in the field and he’s really turned that station around.”

TK practically beams. “Guess this means we’ll be seeing each other again soon once we finally make it to Austin then.”

“Uh, yeah. I guess so. Assuming you don’t get sick of me before this night is through, that is.”

TK holds Carlos’ gaze for a moment and if it were anyone else, it would be unnerving but something in TK’s stare just sends a thrill through Carlos, excites him in a way no stranger has ever really gotten under his skin.

“I don’t see that happening,” he says plainly, as if this is an irrefutable fact and not something that’s truly subject to change.

Carlos doesn’t argue the point. He merely enjoys the next few hours, seeing just how easily TK’s theory pans out.

~*~*~

The contrast in weather between New York and Austin is one of the first things Carlos’ remarks on as he steps outside of Austin-Bergstrom. He’s never been more grateful for a forty degree afternoon. He’s kept Michelle updated about his new set time and he waits patiently outside of arrivals. Beside him now, TK types out a message on his phone before smiling over at him.

Carlos has had hours to get used to that look on TK’s face and yet he’s still brought up short. Last night and the early morning hours were spent talking to TK about everything imaginable, trading stories about crazy calls they’ve been on and even touching on personal things like their families. When they grew tired of talking, they watched movies on TK’s laptop, fighting off the urge to sleep for the mere sake of hanging out.

It isn’t rare for Carlos to become friendly with a person but this connection to TK feels different in a way he can’t quite parse.

By the time their flight boarded, Carlos knocked out for the entire length of the trip but it had been worth it in his eyes to stay up and take advantage of the uninterrupted time that stretched before him with TK. It was safe to say a bit of a crush had formed, as absurd as Carlos felt for it. TK was going to be in town for the next few days and that prospect was both thrilling and terrifying. If he could feel this close to TK in one night, there’s no telling what could happen in a few days.

Before he can get lost in that thought, Carlos sees Michelle as she pulls up to the curb, the trunk popping open.

“Are you good out here?”

“My dad’s coming in just a minute. I’ll be just fine,” TK muses as Carlos puts his carry-on inside and slams the trunk shut.

“Alright, well. You have my number now so text me whenever you’re free. I’ll show you a few places while you’re here.”

Carlos extends his hand but TK rolls his eyes jokingly and pulls him into a half hug instead.

“We’ve spent the night together, Carlos. I think we’re past handshakes now.”

Carlos’ face burns with TK’s wording but the man merely laughs.

“See you soon?”

Carlos just nods and finds the wherewithal to get inside of Michelle’s car. He waves after he buckles himself in, TK lifting a hand in response.

“Okay, who is that?” Michelle asks immediately, head turned to take in the sight of TK.

Carlos tips his head back against the seat. “You won’t believe the night I’ve had.”

~*~*~

Carlos has spent two days showing TK some of his favorite stomping grounds. TK relished in all that Austin had to offer and Carlos has been happy to see that their closeness from the unexpected overnight at the airport hadn’t been a fluke. If anything, these outings have only made Carlos feel closer to TK.

Michelle has been relentless in her teasing, finding it all too amusing that Carlos managed to cross paths with Captain Strand’s son of all people. She’d clung to his every word during the ride home from the airport as he filled her in on how he waited out the storm.

The 126 meets at their usual bar and Carlos is glad for this post-work gathering. It’s the perfect time to show TK what a real honky-tonk is like, further immersing him in the culture of the state his father now resides.

TK sits next to him at the table, the large group so packed in that his leg presses against Carlos’. It’s light but it’s enough to make the point of contact all Carlos can focus on even as everyone else at the table engages in conversations that overlap, laughing amongst themselves. He does his best to ignore it but it’s difficult not to take notice of each shift TK makes. Michelle keeps looking at him and Carlos, to the best of his abilities, avoids her gaze knowing that it’ll make it just that much more difficult to act as if he isn’t freaking out internally.

“I’m gonna get another. You want anything?” Carlos asks TK.

TK shakes his head. “No, I’m alright but thank you though.”

Carlos nods once and gets up, finding it much easier to breathe already now that he’s no longer sitting beside TK. Michelle catches his eye as he leaves from the table and he can hear her shoes as she follows behind him to the bar. She rests against the counter facing the room at large as Carlos gets the attention of the bartender and asks for another beer.

“You sure know how to pick them,” Michelle laughs at his side.

“Chelle,” he groans, shaking his head.

She merely laughs again, bumping her hip against his. “When did your life become a romantic comedy?”

“I must’ve missed the memo myself because this sure snuck up on me.”

The bartender sets a bottle down in front of him but Carlos doesn’t move. This little reprieve away from everyone but Michelle right now is welcome.

“I like him. He’s nice. Really cute too.”

“Oh, so you’ve noticed?” he deadpans, looking over his shoulder at TK.

He looks so at home here, hanging out and laughing with these people he’s, up until now, only known secondhand from his father’s work stories. TK is personable as ever, Carlos knows all too well. Had he not been swept away after one night in the man’s company?

“I think this is so great.”

“Funny, I think it’s the universe trying to mess with me.”

Michelle scoffs, finally turning to face the bar like him. “There are worse things in the world than a seemingly perfect guy practically falling into your lap. We should all be so lucky.”

Carlos casts the mental image aside, taking a sip of his drink. “The timing though. I can’t think about guys right now. I need to be figuring out my next set of moves for New York.”

“If those plans just so happen to include an attractive new friend…,” she trails off with a grin.

“I don’t know. I don’t want to screw this up because yeah, he is a new friend and we get along well, it’s a good feeling.”

“Do you like him?”

Carlos falters. “I barely even know the guy.”

“That’s not even remotely close to what I asked you.”

Carlos scratches at his forehead before letting out a sigh. “I do. Which hardly makes any sense at all. It’s only been a few days and yet I can’t stop thinking about him. That’s strange, isn’t it?”

Michelle shakes her head. “No, actually. I don’t think so. You guys had such a cute introduction to each other and you clearly hit it off. Some people just click and are meant to meet. The fact that you two had a connection to each other beforehand without even knowing it? I think there’s something to be said for that.”

“What, you think it’s fate or something?”

Michelle shrugs. “I wouldn’t rule it out. Your flight could have been a day earlier or even a few hours before his. On a plane filled with hundreds, you connected with him, Captain Strand’s son who just so happens to live in the city you’re about to move to. I think it’s worth seeing just how far it could go. If you ask me, you’ll wind up with a boyfriend in no time.”

Carlos mulls it over for a moment. He can admit he is in fact curious. It’s been a while since he’s felt this drawn to someone and with TK, it’s been as natural as breathing since they first met. The timing is less than ideal but it’s been so long since Carlos has felt this urge to get close to someone, since he’s felt safe enough to even open his mind and heart up to the possibility.

“Maybe you’re onto something.”

“One of these days you’ll learn to just accept my brilliance, no questions asked. But this will do for now.”

Carlos rolls his eyes but drapes an arm over her shoulder, pulling her into his side and kissing her temple.

“I’m going moments like this with you,” he says.

Michelle sighs and pats his back. “I will too but we still have time on the clock, right? Let’s not think about that now.”

Carlos sighs, knowing she’s right. It just feels as if these moments are slipping through his fingers, the new year and all its changes lurking just around the corner.

~*~*~

As customary, the Ryder house is the staple for parties among the team and New Year’s Eve is no different. Carlos has lost track of how many times he’s sat on their couch or been treated for Grace’s incredible home-cooking. It’s always been a source of comfort for him, being surrounded by these colleagues who have become an extended family to him.

This time next year, he’ll be in another time zone, familiarized with a new group of people. Carlos knows he’s jumping the gun. There’s no doubt in his mind that he’ll be able to visit back home and that this collection of people will still love him as they do now.

Carlos looks around the living room, taking stock: Marjan blowing into a noise maker in Mateo’s face and bursting into laughter, Paul shaking his head and dropping his face into his palm. Over by the kitchen he sees Grace and Judd swaying to the music playing as Captain Strand takes Michelle’s hand and begins dancing alongside the other couple. It warms Carlos’ heart and breaks it too, seeing this all for what will be the last time with this city being home.

Suddenly the room feels too small and he finds himself heading for the door, grabbing his jacket off of the coat rack. It’s cold out but Carlos remembers just how bitter the weather in New York was. This is nothing compared to that. And it’s this thought that twists at his heart a bit more, one more reminder of how much his life is set to change sooner than he thinks he’s ready for.

The new year is biting at his heels and time is just slipping by. Logically he knows that he shouldn’t be outside now, that he would be wise to savor these memories with his Austin crew while they’re here rather than lament later. But it all feels like too much and the last thing he wants is to let his pensive mood be a dark cloud over a celebratory and joyous time.

Carlos keeps walking until he reaches the park nearby the Ryder household. Naturally it’s abandoned as everyone is tucked away inside their homes either enjoying a quiet night in or throwing parties like the Ryders. Carlos draws in a breath and takes a seat on one of the swings, his fingers clutching on to the links. He quickly stands up the second he hears footsteps approaching, a figure walking towards him.

“It’s just me,” comes TK’s voice and sure enough the man’s features come into focus the closer he gets until he’s settling into the swing beside Carlos.

“I saw you take off. I just wanted to check that you were okay.”

Carlos smiles a bit. “I appreciate it. I’m okay. I’m just...thinking about a lot right now.”

TK sways on his swing, letting a comfortable silence fall between them before he speaks.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Carlos’ heart and thoughts feel so heavy now, such a contrast to how lighthearted and hopeful this holiday is meant to be. But TK looks at him with such genuine care that he finds himself almost desperate to unburden himself a bit.

“Sometimes I wish I could just stop time, you know? But hell, it’s New Year’s Eve. What more proof do I need that life is always moving forward?”

Carlos sighs and rocks slightly back and forth.

“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be a downer. You should head on back inside, have fun with the others.”

TK is silent beside him, long enough for Carlos to pull his gaze toward the other man. TK is eyeing him thoughtfully.

“You’re scared about what comes next. That’s totally normal. Moving away, starting a new life somewhere else, it’s a big step. A huge change.”

Carlos frowns as he nods. “I wish I could see the end, you know? I wish I could see if it’s all worth it, that I’m making the right choice.”

TK hums in thought. “Well, the best way out is through, right?”

“So you don’t think it’s a mistake to move out to New York?”

TK shrugs. “I don’t know you well enough to say one way or the other for sure. But no, I don’t think it is. I think the fact that you’re even considering it at all should tell you something about how you feel about where you are now.”

Carlos grows quiet, considering the man’s words. But TK isn’t done dishing out his opinion.

“You’ve got an amazing team here, there’s no denying that. It’s a real family, not to mention your actual family is here too. But—and mind you I’m super biased here— New York is an amazing place to be, to live. If you’re feeling restless in Austin, I think New York is the perfect alternative.”

Carlos laughs at this. “So, so biased,” he muses.

TK jokingly puffs up his chest. “Hey, it’s not my fault people have written songs about it and flock to it from all corners of the world,” he jokes. “And all of them, like you would, find home.”

A soft sigh escapes Carlos’ lips as he grips the chain link of the swing.

“That does actually sound pretty nice. I’d miss everyone here like crazy but maybe it’s time for something new? I don’t know. I keep waiting for something extraordinary to happen but nothing ever really changes around here. And there’s nothing wrong with that, of course. I just—“

“You’ve outgrown it,” TK says simply. “And there’s nothing wrong with that either.”

Carlos smiles at him and nods. “I suppose not, no.”

“At least you’ll come to the city knowing someone; you won’t be alone or completely starting from scratch.”

“You? You would take that on?”

TK rolls his eyes. “Of course me. You think I’d leave you high and dry? Damn, I know New Yorkers have a bit of a rep but jeez,” he teases.

Carlos laughs. “I only meant...you barely even know me. You don’t owe me anything.”

“Maybe so but I’d like to get to know you better. And if we’re gonna be calling the same city home, it’s kind of perfect. You get a new job, a new city, a new friend. Pretty sweet package, if you ask me.”

“You’ll be my tour guide then? You can take me to all the hot spots, Central Park and Times Square for starters.”

TK shakes his head in dismay. “God, Times Square,” he groans. “Hell on earth but sure, just for you I’d make the exception.”

“I’m honored,” Carlos says, placing a hand over his heart.

“As you should be. There aren’t many reasons I’d willingly go there so you should be patting yourself on the back right now.”

Carlos raises a brow. “But you’re thinking I’d be worth it?”

TK’s face grows serious. “In a lot of ways I’m thinking you would be, yes.”

Carlos' face flushes a bit and he looks away, down at his feet as he begins to kick out in earnest to start swinging.

Not for the first time since meeting TK he isn’t sure if there’s more to his words just below the surface, if he’s flirting or just being naturally charismatic. It shouldn’t matter either way, Carlos tells himself. Starting up a new relationship when so much in his life is already about to change doesn’t seem smart.

And yet it’s difficult to bear that in mind when he looks over and sees that TK is still watching him. The man smiles softly and follows Carlos' lead, swinging a bit.

In the distance Carlos can hear the rise in voices from houses where everyone is celebrating, just waiting to usher in the new year.

“One minute to go,” TK says, looking at the time on his watch and digging his feet into the ground to stop himself.

Carlos keeps going, breathing in the last dregs of this year before it’s gone with the tick of the clock. He looks up at the pinpricks of stars above, almost glistening in the clear sky. He closes his eyes, soaks in the moment, the last few seconds of this year winding down.

The New Years party goers can be heard shouting their countdown and beside him, TK joins in quietly as well.

10

9

8

7

Carlos opens his eyes once more and holds his breath as he upward, counting down the last few seconds in his head. This year is going, going...

3

2

1

Gone.

He exhales as shouts from the neighboring houses rent the air. He stops swinging then, digging his feet into the hard earth beneath him as he looks over at TK. Beside him the man’s face is flushed, the tip of his nose pink from the cold but his gaze is unrelenting as he leans forward.

Carlos’ body seems to move on its own accord, closing the distance between them as well. He doesn’t think about anything other than what TK’s lips will feel like and before he realizes it, he’s getting his answer.

It’s a chaste kiss, truly just a meeting of mouths in a gentle press but it warms Carlos from the center all the way through his entire body. TK’s lips are soft and warm despite the cold.

“Happy New Year, Carlos,” TK says softly.

Carlos doesn’t have the slightest clue of what the road ahead will look like exactly but it’s enough to know that in some capacity, TK is going to be a part of it. Be it as a friend or something more, it makes Carlos hopeful to see how life will unfold, what other surprises it may have in store.

Carlos stares at him for a moment and it seems as if TK and the whole world is holding its breath as they sit in silence together. This feeling in his chest is so unlike anything Carlos has experienced before. He likes to think things through, to anticipate at least three steps ahead but his future is such a blank slate that it’s truly anyone’s guess as to what will happen next. All he can do is control this present moment and as Carlos sees it, kissing TK is the only thing on his agenda for right now.

He leans in again and kisses the man once more, deeply this time, hand cradling the back of TK’s neck.

Maybe this is risky, maybe this will only complicate his life further when he settles in New York and has to figure out what this all means. But in this moment, that all feels like a lifetime away, a page from a chapter that hasn’t been written yet. There’s only the here and now with this beautiful man that fills him with possibilities.

[terrainofheartfelt]

⭐

Dan + Alison + the Miloverse

Mimsy dear friend, my fic writing hero, I know you don't know much about GG but ty for giving me a chance to ramble about a niche character who appears for 3 episodes and then is never seen again!

Alison Humphrey as a character is complicated, in the brief time we know her there's a whole world of interesting questions that open up.

Okay, so for context: the big narrative catalyst for the pilot of GG is the main character, Serena, returning to the UES of Manhattan after a year's absence, no one knows why she left, no one knows where she went, you can imagine. But the OTHER catalyst, less pronounced and less mired in salaciousness, is that of Alison Humphrey, who went away upstate "for the summer" to work on her art, leaving her husband, Rufus, and her two kids, Dan & Jenny, at home in Brooklyn.

and Serena's return sparks a connection between her and Dan, which causes Rufus & Serena's mother (who had a torrid love affair 20ish years ago) to reconnect and rekindle, by the middle of the first season, Alison has reappeared, retried her marriage, only for her and Rufus to decide that it just isn't working (bc she cheated with a guy upstate, and he's in love with his ex) WHEW. complicated. okay.

AND I should note: the ages of the parents, plus the narrow gap of time between Rufus and Lily (the ex)'s break-up and the ages of their kids, Rufus and Alison (and Lily) were very young parents, around 22 or 23 years old at the most. (this math comes from the fact that Dan & Serena share a half-sibling that is maximum 3 years older than they are, born when Lily was 19. gotta love those teen soap plot twists).

Dan makes no secret of his perfectly justifiable anger at his mother, so storywise, when she's only mentioned for what happens and what's said off-screen, it makes sense that they drift apart, and lots of fanon (very good fanon content, no shade intended), writes Alison off in a similar way - which is fair, because she fucked up and if Dan feels like he doesn't want to repair that damage, that is understandable, and I love reading work that digs into that too!

but me, I'm sort of an Alison Humphrey apologist, mainly for this very compelling speech she gives in the first episode she appears in, back in Brooklyn trying to reconcile with her husband. she says that when h was deep into his music career, touring and working all the time, she put her art and her work on hold to support him and raise their kids (we get the impression from the advice she gives and how she treats Dan & Jenny when they're all on-screen together that she was a very good mom, right until the moment she wasn't and left), and she says "my entire adult life has been about you." which FASCINATES me.

it's that compelling question that I think lots of women who were young adults in the 80s & 90s grapple with a decade and a half later, she had given all of herself over to marriage and motherhood, with no piece of herself left for herself, and when you're in it, in the business of raising kids, maybe you don't notice what's missing until their almost adults, with their own lives and personalities and dreams, and you're encouraging them but you're also thinking, "I didn't do this, or have this, fuck." admittedly, her method of handling it, running away, was not a good solution, but I think, ultimately, I get it.

this fic-verse, in which Dan keeps the baby his ex-fling has when they're 19, is not the first I've written in a Dan & Alison reconciliation chapter, but the added element of Dan being a young parent adds another dimension.

Alison was a good parent until she wasn't, and I think if one of her kids were in a real, genuine crisis, she would help in any way she can. She even does on the show in a sense, when Jenny decides that it's not healthy for her to live in NYC anymore, and chooses to finish out high school upstate living with her mom.

and, in the brief canon Milo arc, Rufus' initial reaction is...reticent, to say the least, so I think it would be interesting to have Alison react in contrast to that (we never hear on the show what she thinks of Milo's existence), of her digging in and deciding "if my kid is going to be a young parent too, then I have to help him not do the same fuckups I did." and it's a headcanon of mine that, being such a young parent, Alison dropped out of school and came back to it, so when Dan does the same, she would back him up in his choice. (while Rufus, who during Dan's pregnancy scares on the show - yes, plural - is adamant that Dan finish school and stay on track for his future. he also doubles down on Jenny finishing school too, so the hc is not that much off base).

I think it's Alison stepping up to help him when he's most desperate that - at the very least - starts the process of Dan trusting his mother again. And as time goes on, and his journey into parenthood continues, he would be more comfortable admitting certain vulnerabilities to Alison, the mother he's reconciled with, than Rufus, the perfect parent who Dan's not sure he can measure up to, which is why in let your heart be your guide, I put in this line:

It’s easier with his mom: to admit weakness, maybe because they both knew she’d already fucked up, Dan didn’t have to worry about how he came off with her. Dan knows his dad is supportive, and helps out as much as anybody else does, maybe more even, but with Rufus—it feels like if he blinks or flinches, he’s leaving himself open for an I told you so, rooted in how Rufus reacted when he first found out about Dan being a father, and choosing to stay one.

and I think them having a relationship is good for Dan, who forgets to prioritize himself wehn he's lost in the parenting bubble that exists when you have a child younger than 6 years in your care. his mom is one of the many people in this fic that insists that Dan make space for himself as a person outside of his identity of "Dad," and her experience makes him heed her when she speaks, as I put here:

“It is a good thing you’re doing,” Alison says, “going back to school, having Milo see you work towards a goal like that. Just as it’s good for you to have things for yourself. You still have your librarian yoga, right?”

Dan rolls his eyes playfully at the moniker, given because he’d started while he was still working at the NYPL, “Mondays and Thursdays. But with school being the way it is,” he shrugs, “I may drop it.”

“Don’t,” his mother pleads, leaning towards him over the table, “you may not think you need it, but you do.”

He looks at her then, really looks at her, and thinks that maybe he gets it, that his mom had completely given herself over for a decade and a half, with no corner of her life left over for herself, that maybe that’s why she freaked out on them eight years ago.

In a show rife with things that beg for Fix-It attention, Alison is one of those that I'm tempted to tackle in every big au. She's just one of Those Characters for me, and even those she only appears in one vignette of this au (for now...), a lot of thought went in to how she would appear, and what her relationship with Dan & Milo would look like. Milo calls her Nana. She loves it.

Fanfic Writers: Director’s Cut ask game

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. LV

It was a love story from the very beginning.

The Monster At Your Door

(10x04/10x09/10x10/10x11)

Hello my dear fandom! This is another meta from my Destiel Chronicles.

I want to say thank you to my friend @agusvedder , she made the gifs for this analysis, thank you girl!

And thanks to @destielle for editing this! 

This season doesn't have a lot of Destiel in it and was mostly Dean-centric.

So you will see me talking about how our hunter perceives himself as a monster.

Brothers and Sisters

In episode 10x04 ‘Paper Moon’ we saw Kate and her sister, two female werewolves, as mirrors of Sam and Dean.

Kate, the one who was trying to save her sister (Sam), and the little one Tasha, becoming a real monster (Dean).

After getting to know about Tasha and Kate's story, and Kate trying desperately to get her sister back, the Winchesters decide to help her. But there was a little piece of dialogue  between Sam and Dean that caught my attention…

SAM: Right, but how can you possibly blame Kate for fighting for her sister? We do it all the time.

DEAN: Well, yeah, and that's worked wonders for us.

The ultimate effort to save Dean Winchester at the end of the season will cause a huge cosmic consequence we all know: Amara. So, this quote here that could be read as very Winchester like is kind of a premonition of what is about to come next season.

And then, this scene… it points us at how Dean is really feeling inside.

KATE: But she can be saved!

DEAN: [blunt, but in despair] No. Tasha's in too deep. You don't ever come back from that, not ever.

How disturbingly painful it must be for Sam knowing his brother is losing faith in winning his battle against the mark.

There’s another interesting dialogue, now between the two sisters, where we can dissect the foreshadowing of Sam trying to get through to Dean in the last episode of this season.

KATE [pleading] T., I can help you get better.

TASHA [sneering evilly] Oh, I am better. And smarter and stronger… and awesome. I'm a freakin' superhero.

KATE Who kills innocent people? No, that's not you. You were a good kid.

So, Sam will try to save the innocent and good side of his brother, with all his power.

Because even if Dean perceives himself as a monster that can't be saved, Sam will always try to convince him otherwise. Just like Castiel…

You are a role model

Episode 10x09 ‘The Things We Left Behind’ is a beautiful episode that talks about GUILT. Not just Dean's guilt (we all know about that one, right?) But also Castiel's GUILT and his REGRETS.

Castiel visits Claire Novak, because he knows he hurt her a lot by possessing her father. So he tries to help her. But, because his PEOPLE TALKING SKILLS are ‘rusty’, he’s not able to communicate it the right way. So he helps her to escape instead.

In the middle of this episode we have this cute scene:

Dean watching TV, reflecting that innocent side I was talking about first, and Sam staring at him with sadness in his eyes, being worried about the mark. This situation points out their priorities.

Back to Castiel and Claire. There’s a very meaningful scene in which Cas talks about his experience as a human and what he has learned in that time…

CLAIRE: You’ve changed. The Castiel I met? He was crappy. Like super stuck-up and a dick and you just wanted to punch him in his stupid angel face.

CASTIEL: I don’t think I was THAT bad.

CLAIRE: You totally were. And now you’re just … I don’t know. Nicer. And kind of a doof. No offense.

CASTIEL: Yes, well, um… Before, I was very self-assured. I was convinced I was on this righteous path. Now I realize that there is no righteous path. It’s just people trying to do their best in a world where it’s far too easy to do your worst.

This is amazing because Castiel is shouting out the important insights he has gained from being a human. This is character development at it’s best. Cas is not the same Castiel that possessed Claire's dad. She says he is nicer. Castiel has changed, for good. But the guilt of taking her family away from this girl is eating him up inside.

And it’s the same thing that eats Dean up inside as well.

Dean sees an opportunity to stay alone with Castiel on kind of a date with him. Both of them sitting in front of their burgers. We know Cas doesn't have to eat. So the scene is very cute and comfy.

The question whether or not ketchup is a vegetable and Dean answering Hell yes is demonstrating that Claire and the hunter are very alike.

This date is also a chance to put back the dot on the I again. Because… remember Cas and his ‘female in the car’? Well… our hunter needed to reinforce his ownership over the angel. 

But mostly… the guilt needs to be put on the table:

DEAN: (...) All right, so spill. What’s with the family reunion?

CASTIEL: I don’t know. I’ve just been … thinking about people.

[Dean glances around, then switches their plates, taking Cas’ burger and setting his empty plate in front of Cas.]

Okay, pause here, sorry but this is extremely cute… and Dean looking around like an innocent kid, it’s such a beautiful scene that I adore.

CASTIEL: No problem. I’ve helped some, but I’ve … I’ve hurt some.

DEAN: So you’re having a midlife crisis.

CASTIEL: Well, I’m extremely old. I think I’m entitled.

It’s so amazing each time Castiel reminds us he is an ancient creature that decided to spend his days with us…

DEAN: Cas, listen to me. There’s some stuff you just got to let go. Okay? The people you let down, the ones you can’t save … You got to forget about them. For your own good.

CASTIEL: Is that what you do?

Okay, here Dean is sensing Cas is feeling guilty, a territory he knows very well, so he tries to help him and give him advice, an advice Dean doesn't follow himself. And Castiel knows that too well. Because he can read Dean Winchester like a book. And we all know he won't let go Charlie's death.

And then… this jewel…

Dean is not used to receiving compliments. But Castiel is always calling him nice things. Because Cas sees the good in him, he knows DEAN IS SPECIAL. So Dean, Cas’ TFW teacher, is a role model for him. Of course he is. 

Look at Dean's flustered face, he has to avoid Castiel's tender gaze because he is feeling awkward. It looks like a don't say things like that to me on our date, bro- face.

One of my fave scenes ever.

Let's go with another one…

As I said, Castiel reads Dean like a book. So he knows when Dean is lying. He just knows Dean is not feeling well. And again, Dean is… enraptured by this. By how well Cas knows him. Look at his face… if I was telepath, which I'm not (yet) I would say, Dean ponders whether kissing him or not in that moment. It’s like… stop flirting with me or I will kiss you, bro. He even checks out Cas and stares at his lips. Gah!

Then, coming back to reality… Dean needs to know if Cas will kill him bc he is terrified of becoming a monster again:

DEAN: If I do go dark side, you got to take me out.

CASTIEL: What do you mean?

DEAN: Knife me. Smite me. Throw me into the freakin’ sun, whatever. And don’t let Sam get in the way, because he’ll try. I can’t go down that road again, man. I can’t be that thing again.

Dean is asking something impossible for Cas to do. As we will find out in one of the last episodes from this season. Castiel would never hurt Dean, even if he goes dark side.

Two Faces

After Dean is losing control, turning into the monster he was so afraid of becoming, killing Randy and those gangsters… nothing will be the same anymore. This bloody scene is a premonition of the end of this season, when Dean will eliminate the whole Stein family.

Episode 10x10 starts with this image:

Cracks in the mirror which are reflecting how Dean is feeling inside: broken.

This is an episode where light and shadow play a big role in the visual narrative, we can see Dean's face divide in one half lit and the other half drowned in shadows. Those halfs represent his two faces, his inner fight between ‘our’ Dean and the monster brought by the mark.

This episode was directed by Misha, so when we see Cas telling Dean he’ll be sending emojis… that wasn't OOC, that was just Misha 🤣🤣🤣🤣.

Now, the important part of this episode is Claire trying to convince Dean to come by saying: ‘Castiel seemed to trust you, a lot’.

That was the signal for Dean. You drop Cas’ name, count Dean in!

But now let's jump to episode 10x11 because the game of the two faces is represented here again in the form of two Charlies, a good and an evil one. They are a metaphor for the way Dean feels inside, in fact the whole episode is a mirror of it.

The parallel between Dark!Charlie and Dean is blatant, because Dark!Charlie is seeking for revenge, just like Dean will after Charlie's death.

Charlie had to release her darkness to win a war, the same thing will happen to Dean. In order to win the war against a whole family (Stein) he will have to release the monster inside of him. At the end of the episode Dean and Dark!Charlie are having a fight, a fight between good friends as a foreshadowing of the Destiel fight in episode 10x22.

To conclude:

The monster inside Dean is on the threshold of being released. The episodes we were talking about showed us a lot of examples, mirrors of and parallels to that.

The symbolisms of two faces and broken mirrors were very interesting.

The synergy of light and darkness is also a foreshadowing for the next season with the appearance of God (light) and Amara (darkness).

The Destiel burger date was too cute, and Dean not knowing how to react to Castiel's compliments was even cuter. To Cas Dean will always be special and a role model, that's why he will be incapable of harming Dean in any way.

Hope you like this chronicle, see you in the next one!

Tagging @metafest @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weirddorkylittlediana @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @foxyroxe-art @authorsararayne @anonymoustitans @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @wildligia @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-is--endgame @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @tenshilover20 @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica @isthisdestiel @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @horsez2 @qanelyytha @imjustkipping

If you want to be added or removed from this list just let me know.

If you want to read the previous metas From season 10, these are the links...

LI, LII, LIII and LIV

Buenos Aires March 31 2020 10:03 PM

[rolaplayor101]

Prime 6

A scar the shape of New Jersey.

Prime chapter 6 under the cut. This is a lot longer than the others!

   "Four Ben's, haha," Rex laughs, eyes wide, hands on his face and sitting on the backs of his legs. "Hahaha.."

   Ben 05 looks at Ben 16, pointing his thumb at the robot boy having an existential crisis in the front yard of their nicer-looking cabin. 

   Ben 16 shrugs. 

   Ben Prime has Ben 12 in the kitchen, having brought the loudmouth inside before he could start blabbing. 12 had recognized him instantly, on the cusp of calling him by his real name with all the other Ben's and Argit, for some reason, all around them. Ben hadn't remembered meeting him until he'd seen him again. Another thing Professor Paradox had never explained. The same went for 12, it seems, because when they were alone he went over all he remembered from the brain switch months ago with Eon. 

   "Yeah, you can't tell anyone about that," Ben says. 

   "Why not?" 12 asks, a little too loudly. 

   Shhh!!" He glances at the door. "Look, stuff is happening- ah! I don't know what it is." 12 closes his mouth. "But it's about to go down any day now. And when it goes down, we need as many people focused and just as normal as they were before. They can't return to their normality if they know about us." He moves his finger between him and 12. 

   "Yeah, okay, so, uh," he doesn't look very convinced with his finger up his nose. "Where are we? And who's that guy with the mullet?"

    "I'll explain it later."

---

   "So I'm guessing that you're all different universe versions of Ben."  Rex is standing in front of the ten year olds with his hands on his hips and a smile on his face, having finally calmed down. "You guys could make a band or something."

   "A band-?" 12's enthusiasm is quickly interrupted. 

   "You mean I've been in a different universe this whole time?" 16 exclaims, mind racing. "So that's why I haven't been able to find Gwen and Grandpa Max!"

   "Alt universe me's," 05 chuckles. "Awesome."

   "So how do we get back?" 12 asks, green eyes wide with no pupils. It's kinda freaking Rex out. Reminds him of someone. 

   "Am I a Ben?" Argit's soft, high-pitched voice speaks up for the first time this evening. 

   This sparks a ear-piercing cacophony of young Ben's talking over each other, with bits of an apologetic baby Argit mixed in. Rex eyes all of them and sighs. 

   A pat on his shoulder turns his head to Ben Prime, who's bandana and hood is back up. The oldest Ben speaks up. "Hey, hey!"

   They all quiet down, staring wide eyed at the mysterious hooded man. 

   A silence falls over them for a few seconds, until Argit disrupts with a quiet, "Are you two both Bens?"

   Prime doesn't answer. Rex jumps in. "We're working on a way to get you back, okay? We have an idea." Rex takes his jacket from Prime's raised arm. 

   "Yeah? And that is?" 16 asks, still a little bitter about having just found this out. 

    Rex slides one arm through his jacket, and then the other. "There's an item," he grunts. "I gotta go search for tonight. You all will be staying with-" he pauses. "Prime." He nods at him. They all look to the hooded man. 

   "What item?" 12 asks. 

   "It's called a Chronosapien time bomb." Prime says. The voice startles 05 and Argit. 12 feels like he's being stared at directly. "With any luck, it'll get you guys sent back to where you belong." 

   Ben Prime hands Rex a backpack, which he quickly looks through and then puts on. "You'll spend the night here. I'll be back in the morning."

   05 crosses his arms. "And who are you, exactly?"

   Rex grins, thick black eyebrows raised. "I'm Rex. Prime's partner in good and boyfriend."

   05 makes a face, 12's jaw drops, and Prime shakes his head, bringing a hand to his temple. 

   Rex gives Prime a kiss on top of his hood and begins walking off. 

   16 calls after him. "You didn't really answer the question!" He sighs and walks up beside Prime, turning to face the group. "I know they seem suspicious but they're cool. I promise."

   The Ben's nod as Argit takes hold of 12's hand. 12 drops it like a pancake, brows furrowed and lips tight. 

---

   Hours pass. It's dark outside and Prime is in his room while all the Ben's are in the living room, except one pacing between it and the kitchen. Argit is asleep, cuddled up in the sofa chair. 

   "How did he even get here?" 12 nods to the alien, mumbling to himself. He's sitting on the edge of the couch, 16 sitting beside him. 

   05 is pacing through the entrance to the kitchen, eyes on the ground, hand on his chin. "We could just leave if we wanted too. They aren't here to stop us."

   "Why would we do that? There's nowhere to go! Believe me, I've tried." 16 pats the couch arm absentmindedly. "They're nice people."

   05 points at him. "Gwen explained something like this to me before! It's called.. Sherlock disease?"

   12 corrects him. 'Stockholm syndrome."

   "That too."

   12 stops listening to himself, instead focusing on his thoughts. Boyfriend? But Prime's me, right? So does that mean I'm gonna be gay in the future?

   05 is thinking to himself too. I know that guy's voice. I just can't put a finger on it. Who is he? A bad guy I fought once? A friend of Max's? An alien? No, he looked human. Maybe he's a Sludgepuppy. 

   His thoughts are interrupted by a clicking sound. 16 is messing with his Omnitrix, twisting the face, looking at each alien. 05's hasn't been working at all since he got here. "How come yours works?"

   16 looks up. "Huh?"

   "Your Omnitrix!"

   "Oh." He looks down at it. "I dunno. Yours doesn't?" 

   12 sits up, now examining his own Omnitrix. "Mine's off, too." 

   "Huh." 16 said. "Think it's a universe thing?"

   "No, cause mine worked the last time-" Wait. Realization hits 05 with a frying pan. 

   The other Ben's go silent for a few seconds. 16 speaks up. "Last time?"

   16 rushes for the back room. "I gotta go." He knocks hard on Prime's door. "Gotta ask him something."

---

   "You're me!"

   Crap. 

   05 moves closer, getting in his face. Ben moves back, hands up in defense. "Remember? From the ship?"

   The ship. Back when the team and him were looking for the forge of creation. Ben had completely forgotten about that. Had completely forgotten about a lot of things when he came here. He hadn't remembered the name of the Chronosapien time bomb until that morning, but he'd remembered its existence. 

   "How did I forget that…?" 05 says under his breath. "Anyway," he brings his attention back to Ben. "What's going on? What happened to you? You going goth or something?"

   Ben takes off his hood and pulls down the bandana over his face. "A disguise happened to me. And it's called grunge streetwear."

   05 furrowed his eyebrows and screwed up his face at him, walking further into the already small room. The bed had a white, flowery duvet and was set against the middle of the wall with a bedside table on its left with a lamp on it. There was a closet on the wall to the right of the bed, brown and closed with slits to look through. Most of the clothes inside were black, with orange, red, and some dark colors mixed in. 

   "You've been hanging out with Kevin too much." 05 says, sitting on the bed. 

   "Not lately, no."

   "What, you break up or something? Traded him in for the mullet guy?" 

   Ben rolls his eyes and glares down at him. "Was I always this stuck up?"

   05 shrugs. 

   "No, Kevin is just a good friend. Always has been. As far as I know, he's still with Gwen right now while she gets her degree." He answers. "What else ya wanna know?"

   05 looks him up and down. 

---

   Villains don't come out at night. Rex didn't understand why. It was the perfect time to strike. There's no way any strays didn't know where they lived by now. All the ones they had locked up could be let out or escape at any time, and Rex was expecting new guys to come through along with 05, 12, and Argit. 

   Argit. So weird. He'd only met the frenemy once, but Ben had told him all about him. He seemed to be a very minor presence in Ben's life, so it was a mystery why he was here with them. Maybe because he's technically a villain? But then why is he a child? And why wouldn't that bring Kevin with? They worked together, right?

   The forest is quiet. No frogs, no crickets. No owls. Just the scent of dew burning his nose and the never-ending fog that was just light enough to see through. The air is cool, freezing his ears numb. Rex's hands are in his sewed-on bi flag pockets as his light-up, camouflage, white, grey, blue, and black shoes snap a twig under his feet every two seconds. He doesn't have to worry about anyone attacking him at this time of night, so he's free to break as much forestry as he wants.  

   He finds a cave he's never seen before in all of his time here. White smoke is streaming out of it like a fog machine. If that's not an invitation, Rex has no idea what is. 

    The first step inside is a question. The second is an exclamation. The third, relief. It seems a lot warmer inside than it is out, and if it wasn't for that Rex would have left. He was definitely getting somewhere here. He was out of options everywhere else. 

   It's dank. Smells of rats and musk, like the Providence laundry room. He does not miss that smell. It's dark, so he puts on his trademarked goggles. 

   Bringing it back to the classics. 

   There's stalactites on the ceiling, dripping water from who knows where the deeper he walks in. There's sounds, but he's not sure if those are regular cave sounds or something he should be afraid of. Were there bats? Do all caves have bats? 

   It gets muddier too. He has to plant his feet in certain ways to make sure he doesn't slip. The fog leads him through narrow tunnels, ensuring he doesn't get lost. At one point he stops to take a snack break. It's been four hours since he's left the cabin and he's already starting to feel homesick. But he gets up anyway and continues caving. 

   Until he sees a light, right there in the distance. He almost cries in joy, leaves a message on his communicator, knowing Ben would be asleep by now. He runs toward it, water splashing beneath his feet, and stops when he hears something. 

   Footsteps. Stomping. It stops. He looks behind him. Nothing. Turns back around. He keeps walking, then the sound again, copying his footsteps. He stops. It stops. He changes the setting on his goggles by pressing the button on the side of it and sees them. Heat signatures. All around him. Three of them. 

   Eon's groupies. Rex mentally sighs, takes them by surprise and knocks them out quietly, one by one. Slams one head into another, instantly KO-ing them. The last is a bit trickier, but a good punch to the temple with a smack hand gets it done. He continues on his way, quieter now. He really wishes his cloaked spy uniform had come with him to this world. Would really be useful about now. 

   He reaches the end of the tunnel where the light is coming from and peeks around the entrance to a pit. If he had moved any farther, he would have fallen at least fifty feet. The cavern below is empty but for a strange, golden machine in the back, the light blue glow surrounding it, and the fog. The light illuminates the whole cavern. He seems to be alone, but he knows that can't be true.

   He places his bag on the floor and turns to peek out of the tunnel for a closer look, but his hand and forehead knock against something. A blue wave travels up the tunnel exit as well as a boing sound. 

   A barrier, he sighs, knocking his head against the invisible obstruction again. Of course. 

   He'd need Ben. As always. 

   There's no heat signature but for the Chronosapien time bomb in the cavern, but when he turns around, he finds a great many of them. Too many to count before he's attacked. 

   More of Eon's servants, more alt-universe Ben's, swoop around him. Twelve, twenty. Rex is ambushed to the ground, struggling beneath their weight. A especially hard punch hits his ribs and for a second he can't breathe. Another hit, like a stab in his abdomen, shocks him into action. He builds his funchucks, gets them off, and then makes a whip and slashes them further away. One comes up behind him but Rex is too quick. The blast caster grabs the servant and slams him against the barrier, then turns and throws him at the group. Three fall down. 

   He's being run at. He breathes harshly, changing the blast caster into large blue axes, one on each arm. Under him, he builds his sky slyder, now hovering above the ground, and races through the opening where the four are struggling to stand. He's panting, hair blown back by the air slapping his face. He swings at any no-named enemy that crosses his path, knowing that he's being followed. Good. He can finish them off in a more open place. He just needs to get somewhere in this cave. All he fears is that he'll lose the fog leading him to the way out. 

   He slides into a opening in the tunnel with two directions, one leading outside, the other somewhere unknown. He knows how long it'll take to reach the forest, but the other path beside the one he'd just came out of could lead to a open space quicker. He takes the latter option, making a smooth u-turn. 

   Either he finds a battleground or he loses them, either is fine with Rex. 

   But they're teleporters, so he's found rather quickly. They're in smaller packs like this, though, so Rex handles them swiftly. He has no idea how many more there are, but he's starting to think he can't fight them all himself. After finishing off another pack, he takes a break. It's only then that he realizes that he left his bag in the previous tunnel and it's probably been ransacked by now. 

   He curses. He'll have to leave the cave as soon as possible then. He needs water, and bandages, this time. But he has to find the fog first. It's not too far from where he is now. The tunnel was a straight ride with no twists or turns. He turned his legs into the rexcycle and heads back for the u-turn. 

   There's a loud boom and the sound of a crash somewhere in the cave, and Rex's blood turns cold. The cave entrance..!

   He rushes out of the tunnel right into the foggy one leading out, and it takes a long ride until he finally gets to the widening part of the cave tunnels. He hasn't seen anyone in awhile, but when he gets to the cave entrance, or lack thereof, he sees why. There's about, Rex scans heat signatures, about forty? Maybe? servants standing in the way of him and a bomb site. He can't see them clearly. All the red and yellow mix together with these goggles. He has no idea how many are in one place, if one punch landed on the same guy or another. 

   He fights, and when that doesn't work, he plans. An idea is quick to pop into his brain and without really thinking, he creates a rocket launcher, snaps some boulders into its mouth, and shoots at the walls. The whole place shakes, and some stalactites fall and, Rex assumes (since he's definitely not looking), hits a few foes. He does it again, and again, and he hopes the whole place doesn't come down on him too. His block party shield saves him from being skewered and when he thinks it's safe for him to move, he punches the rocks blocking the cave exit until they fall. His fists give out and break into pieces, revealing his real olive-toned hands. 

   He takes in very deep breaths as he climbs out, leaving Eon's servants to their own devices. They all seemed to have run away, but he couldn't have been sure. He falls to his knees once he reaches the end of the mound of rocks. The dirt and grass under his knees feels heavenly, and he's close to passing out. But he doesn't. He lifts his goggles onto his forehead, stands to his feet, and uses the last of his powers to build his hoverboard and head towards home. 

   ---

   There's a ashy smell, like charcoal, Ben smells in his sleep. Someone's calling his name. Whispering. Yelling. Both. He cracks an eye open. It almost physically pains him to peel back his eyelid. His vision is blurry, but another call of his name has him turning around. 

   His heart stops and he startles, cussing under his breath and turning back around in the bed. "Rex, oh my gosh…" He groans sleepily, hearing the man laugh behind him and set the peacock decoration on the ground or against the closet or something. 

   "Couldn't resist." Rex slides in behind him. 

   "Ew, no, you're sweaty and you stink." 

   "Wha- I never hesitate to hug you when you're in your sweaty and stinky alien phases…!"

   "Did you find anything?"

   There's a silence. Rex's tracing the New Jersey-shaped scar on his lower back. He says, voice soft, "Let's just..wait until the morning, ok?"

   Ben nods, mind already dazing off. Rex cuddles closer, wrapping his arms around him, and a warmth presses against Ben's back. Both of their breaths even out, and soon the two heroes fall asleep. 

[morgemuffel]

MALEC. ➰ PROS & CONS TO MARRY YOU. (STAY WITH ME)

This story takes place between episode 3Bx16 & 3B17. Why does Alec suddenly thinks about getting married?

-> Alec creates a pro and contra list about whether he should propose to magnus or if it is too early etc. He confronts himself with his thoughts and fears, which had never been expressed loudly before. *(Part 3 of my series: our heart beats like one)

My vision is blurred and everything around me happens like in slow motion. I'm standing there like a fool and don't have the strength to move. My heart contracts as if it were crushed in someone's fist. The air is thin and Izzy had called Catarina Loss to help, when she heard my cries for help. I'm so mad at myself. "Magnus, Magnus, can you here me?" is the only thing I can say. Why didn't I see it coming? I'm still standing there as if rooted to the ground, too shocked to do anything meaningful. "Please, I'm right here" I continue talking, in the hope that he at least hears my voice. I had given Magnus a heart rhythm massage until Cat finally arrived after a felt eternity. Cat now kneels next to Magnus on the floor and holds her hands over his right clavicle and left chest muscle. Stand back" she commands. A blue cloud flows out of her palms, enveloping his lifeless body, and once again an electric shock of several thousand volts shot through his chest area to reactivate his heartbeat. "Come on, Magnus. Hang in there" Catarina screamed in panic as still nothing happened. "Catarina is he going to be all right?" I ask anxiously. Another electric shock. But Magnus, whose body had just shrugged like wild before, lay there now only calm and motionless. "I...I...Alec he's gone..." Cat sobs and looks at me in disbelief. I see the tears rolling over her blue face. I know that she has done everything in her power, because she doesn't even have the strength to maintain her glamour. I feel pure fear crawling up inside of me. No. No he can't be dead, he simply just can't be dead! I don't know how, but somehow my body starts moving again and I stumble uncoordinated and fall on the floor next to Magnus. Stay with me is the only thought that constantly wanders through my head and throbs like my own heartbeat in my head. I form my right hand into a ball and place the left hand over it to start another heart rhythm massage. I feel Cat's pitiful look on me, but she says nothing. I won't give up on him. Press twice per second, I know how it works, every shadowhunter knows the required frequency, but the longer I press the more the fear is taking over me and the more irregular my rhythm becomes. I repeat: "stay with me Magnus" to the beat of my pressure movement. I can't lose you, I just can't. "Stay with me Magnus" I taste something salty wet in my mouth and realize that it is my tears that flow over my face and is taking my sight. But I can't wipe them away. I don't have time to release my hands from Magnus. "Stay with me Magnus! I don't have to see anything to know that I can't stop, that I won't stop. "Stay with me Magnus!" I drift off and my body... Oh God as if I were in free fall... No. No. No. The darkness surrounds me and I am lost in nothing. My thoughts echo through the dark void. Our hearts beat like one and if his stop beating, mine dies with him. Magnus is dead.

Alec opens his eyes disorientated, he is bathed in sweat and his heart races as fast as it threatens to jump out of his chest. He looks around in fear and searched for Magnus. He is alive, it was all just a nightmare! At least the part about his death. Alec's subconscious had probably played a trick on him with his greatest fear. The fear of losing Magnus. How could this happen? Why had he not noticed the signs? Or had he noticed them and simply ignored them...? Alec is sitting on a very uncomfortable plastic chair, in the New York Institute in the Medic department, watching Magnus. His chest lifts and lowers gently to the beeping sound of the ECG device. His breathing is flat and slow but he is breathing. It is so unusual to see him uncombed and without make-up. In the blue coat he seemed almost inconspicuous and very vulnerable. Alec has been sitting on this chair for hours, he must have fallen asleep, he thinks, rubbing the palms of his hands against his face. He closes his eyes and the pictures reappear before his inner eye. With a shake of his head he tries to shake the pictures away. Yes, it was close but they had made it and Cat had set up everything right here to watch Magnus non-stop. A cold shiver ran down Alec's back as he tried to interpret his dream, it had felt so real. And he believed he knew what the message was behind it. He had to apologize to Magnus. Alec had a guilty conscience because he should have known how tortured his boyfriend really was. 

Alec interlaced his fingers and began to speak slowly: "Magnus, I... I don't know if you can here me. But this is my fault. I was selfish. When you first lost your powers and you said you were okay with it, I...I didn't think twice. I guess I was just so happy that maybe we could... grow old together." He took a break to breathe deeply. It was the first time he said it out loud. He was ashamed of that thought. He had asked himself several times whether he was a bad boyfriend because of that. He had talked to Underhill about this topic. But to say it out loud, to hear his voice, brought him the knowledge and thus the answer to his question. It had hurt him when Magnus had accepted Lorenzo's magic without talking to him about it. But Magnus magic was a part of him and he didn't have the right to begrudge him that. And he knew one thing for sure. To see Magnus happy was the only thing that really mattered. Alec's heart got heavier at this thought and he started rubbing his thumb over his ankles nervously. He tended to exert so much pressure on that movement that it almost hurt. But the pain there eased the pain in his heart. He sniffed before continuing: "I guess I just didn't realize, how deep down, how much you were suffering. Magnus, I love you. He reached for Magnus' hand, near the tears and his voice was now full of despair: "More than anyone in the world and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." He heard the sliding door open and quickly wiped away the one tear that had made it over his cheeks. "May I come in" Cat asked gently. "Yeah" Alec replied and stood up with a deep sigh to talk to Cat about Magnus' condition. "Did you manage to make contact with the people at the Spiral Labyrinth" he asked full of hope. She nodded, "yes, I shared the test results, an he agreed. Magnus' body is rejecting Lorenzo's magic. "Rejecting? What do you mean?" Alec asked and folded his arms in front of his chest. "Think of it like a failing organ transplant. Each time Magnus performs a spell it puts a tremendous strain on his body. He got lucky this time. He will regain consciousness . But if he uses magic again, even for something small, he might not survive," she explained to Alec in a haunting tone. "Why can't you just fix him? Why can't you just take Lorenzo's magic out?" Alec asks in surprise. "I wish I could. The only one who can reverse the transfer is the person who gave it to him" she explains. "Lorenzo did this on purpose," Alec hummed furiously. "Alec, there's no way he could have planned it. With magic transfusions, there's always this possibility." Cat tried to protect Lorenzo. But Alec disagreed. "No he knew how desperate Magnus was. He took advantage of him. I'm not gonna let this son of a bitch get away with it." he hissed upset and tried to squeeze past Cat. But Catarina grabbed him by the arm and held him tight when she said: "You need to settle down. What's the shadowhunter saying? - Emotions cloud judgment? - You loose your temper with Lorenzo, he'll have less incentive to help. Like it or not, Lorenzo Rey is Magnus only hope" she made clear to him.

On his way to Lorenzo's loft, Alec shook his head in disbelief. Had he really just thought that? He corrected the sentence in his mind. Magnus' Loft. He was on his way to Magnus' loft in Brooklyn that was stolen by this mucous guy Lorenzo Rey. Magnus hasn't woken up yet, so Alec had decided to ask Lorenzo to take back the magic he had given him. He was almost certain that this would also be Magnus' wish. Magnus' near death had shown Alec how precious time is. And he knew that he wanted to spend all his time also if only 10 years or even 60 years,  with Magnus at his side. Nothing was more precious than the time with him. When Magnus agreed to his suggestion to move in together, Alec was the happiest person ever. There was only something that could make him happier. To make Magnus his forever. Put a ring on his finger and call him his husband. There were many reasons for this, but he also knew that there were some contras. He started to write a pro and contra list in his head:

   PRO:  

- It was a promise for eternity, a promise to be at his side forever

   CONS:  

- Magnus had just suffered some losses, his status symbol as High Warlock of Brooklyn was taken away from him and his loft, his home, was taken from him. These losses sparked a kind of identity crisis in him

I remember what it was like before Magnus. The time of uncertainty, fear and my own identity crisis. It was like my whole life was a lie, I was living a lie. It was before Jace, I had always known it. I'm not saying that I am different but in the eyes of others I am. All of us who don't fit into the over century formed norm are considered different. Growing up in a society that fears everything and everyone just because they don't understand it or know it differently and respond with hate is sad. The hate and fear that was directed against other races or against the preference of sexuality frightened me. I was afraid of this hate and took the safe side. The don't ask don't tell side of the shadowhunter culture. I preferred to be angry and unhappy than to deal with these feelings. On some days I feel ashamed not to have been brave enough before Magnus came into my life. To simply ignore the prejudices and discriminations and to stand by myself. But for shadowhunter - family, honour and tradition are written in capital letters. At least that's what they believe. And I certainly didn't want to be the first Shadowhunter in my family to destroy this supposed honor. Family is everything to me. Grown up in the institute under the enormous pressure of the council and my parents. I always did everything for my parents and for the council. My fater drilled in to me that I was never good enough. I always thought it was me, because they felt who I really was and wanted to suppress it. So I did the same and ignored my feelings. I was impure with myself and carried this anger inside me for years. I couldn't define exactly where it came from but I was always angry at everything and everyone. Not knowing who you are and not knowing where you belong is terrible. By the angel I'm so happy that I met Magnus.

"Maybe you should start living for yourself. Do what's in your heart" he had told me back then. I thought I would never be allwed, or to even find somoen to marry out of love and the only thing I could hope for would be a solid partnership with a woman. But here I am, in a happy relationship with the man I love above everything else. I will do everything in my power to lead him back to his identity as he helped me. So pack up your hatred and discrimination. I alone decide how my life goes on.

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, not that I would know." I hear Magnus' voice in my head.. We'll find out, my darling, we'll find out.

Alec circled the two reasons and tried to look at them from every angle. He was a man of tradition and honour and he always knew he wanted to get married one day. He just never would have thought that this wish could actually become reality with someone he loved with all his heart. But here he was and his boyfriend was Magnus Bane. He knew he would never love anyone as much as he loved Magnus. He also knew that a marriage is about being together for the rest of your life and that this same - a life long - was a different view for Magnus before. Magnus was no longer immortal and to ask for his hand now would painfully remind him of this loss. Alec wondered if it wouldn't be possible to ask Asmodeus to give Magnus back his real magic and thus his birthright, his immortality. What would be the price? For sure one that Alec can't pay at all. He sighed and began to walk faster. There was also the housing situation, he was at least able to fix. Cat had told him that Magnus had asked her for a real estate agent. But Magnus was in the infirmary and couldn't make it to that appointment today and Alec wouldn't leave his side for a house visit. The apartment could wait, but he was looking forward to starting this new phase of his life with Magnus. So it was 1 to 1 when he stood in front of the door of the loft and was about to knock, when it swung open and Mozart's symphony came towards him.

Lorenzo had already expected him, charming isn't? It's one of Mozart's lesser-known works, but certainly one of my favorites. You should have seen the look on Wolfgang's face when I told him what I really thought about his Mass in C minor," he bluffed to Alec. But Alec didn't have time for this small talk, they both knew that they would never be friends in this and possibly in any other life. "We need to talk" Alec said and tried to make his voice sound as calm and controlled as possible. "Hang on. This is the best part." He just wanted to provoke Alec, no they wouldn't even be friends in another dimension. Alec switched off the music to show him the urgency of his visit. "What can I do for you, Mr. Lightwood? he asks and takes a sip from his martini. "Magnus has fallen ill as a result of the magic you gave him" Alec told him. "I did warn your boyfriend of the risks involved. He assured me he could handle it" Lorenzo replied visibly unmoved. When he poured himself a second drink. "Well he can't. And I would appreciate if you would take the magic back." Alec said in a thoughtful tone. "Yes, I'm sure you would appreciate that. But he brought this upon himself. Not my fault the pompous old warlock falls by his own hubris." Lorenzo was amused by Magnus' pain and Alec knew that he had no intention of helping them. But why? "Why? Why do you hate him so much? he asked without understanding. "It's simple. All my life, I've had to sit by and watch while the world lavished praise on Magnus Bane. The prodigy. The High Warlock who could do no wrong." Lorenzo said bitterly. So that's it Alec thought, he was insecure and jealous. "Green isn't becoming on you, Lorenzo," he simply stated. "You have no idea how hard I've had to work for everything that I have" he hissed and put his glass down. Before he continued. "That man was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. His celebrity is not based on talent. It's nepotism. Alec felt the rage crawling up in him and with each of Lorenzo's words it was harder to suppress them. "Lorenzo, you're right about one thing. Magnus is beloved. And when word gets out that you wouldn't help him, purely out of jealousy, how would you think the other warlocks are gonna feel?" Alec said as he walked up to Lorenzo to underline the threat in his voice. But Lorenzo remained unimpressed and said: "I guess we'll find out, won't we?" The fuse in Alec's head blew, how could this cockroach even dare. He would have loved to go for Lorenzo. "You bastard. I swear, I will..." But Lorenzo interrupted him annoyed. "You'll what? he asked unimpressed and shot Alec with a clenched load of his magic towards the exit. "I believe we're done here. You can show yourself out." Alec knew that his last visit by Lorenzo was also part of Lorenzo's rage against Magnus. Anger, anger didn't get him any further, he had to convince Lorenzo at all costs. Magnus' life was at stake and he would beg on his knees if he had to.

"You've never been in love, have you?" Alec asked desperately. Lorenzo must have loved someone at least once in all those years. Alec had to remind him. "I'm over 300 years old. Of course I have. More times than I care to admit" Lorenzo said cool. Alec saw his chance and slowly walked towards Lorenzo again. "Well, for me, it's only one. Magnus," he said and looked at Lorenzo as he went on. "He is my world. And if he dies..." Alec sobbed, who now found it hard to keep his feelings under control. He didn't care if Lorenzo saw him that way, saw him the Head of the New York Institute so vulnerable. He didn't care if he ridiculed himself and he didn't care that he just revealed his greatest weakness. Alec raised his hand to a defensive position when he said, "Look, Lorenzo, he's no threat to you. Okay? He doesn't have his powers." His eyes filled with water and a tear ran down his face as he begged Lorenzo. "Just please... Please help him"

Alec left the loft with Lorenzo's word to help Magnus. A cool breeze blew in his face and dried his last tears. The heated conversation had given him two more points on his imaginary list. To show oneself so vulnerable to someone and to reveal oneself. Showing oneself as one in front of two different worlds, a unity that nothing and nobody could destroy.

   PRO:  

- Start a family, after all, there are many other options these days

   CONS:  

- The Clave doesn't like to see Shadowhunters and Downworlders getting married. It's not forbidden, but since The Clave is mainly interested in making more shadowhunters, it's a bit frowned upon to marry a warlock or a vampire, because they can't have children.

Even though deep inside I always knew that I was gay, I had always imagined a family with children. I could have imagined them with Lydia too, even though the thought of having sex with her made me freak out a little. Lydia is great but still a woman. Maybe the Clave would agree to an adoption for a Shadowhunter or a Downworlder baby? The Mundane couples have to be married as far as I know if they want to adopt... Would an adopted child even like me? With Madzie it's always wonderful and children love Magnus anyway. But maybe Madzie was a exception. Well they'll like at least one of us. So the biggest problem would be the Clave. For whom I'm already a thorn in their eyes, the gay head of the New York Institute, who is in a relationship with a Downworlder. So what, fuck that point. I really hope that Magnus also wants children. I think he's born to be a dad. He has so much patience and love to give. He has travelled so many countries and lived through so many decades, he would certainly have great good night stories. Him and I as parents, who could teach our children love and tolerance. To pass on our views and values and to show the world that there is another way. That diffrent doesn't mean weird or wrong, but that the world view is outdated and wrong. And it's on us to start change that.

The Clave always had such weird rules. In the past, Alec wouldn't have noticed the inconsistencies. He obeyed orders blindly without questioning them. But now, why did they make rules they disapproved anyway? And have they ever thought that two same-sex shadowhunters and downworlder would want to get married? Because Alec didn't know if that was possible at all. But he knew something else, no matter how, he and Magnus would one day start a family together. Alec had never asked Magnus if he wanted to have children, but somehow it was a logical step, wasn't it? Or was Alec once again too far with his thoughts and wishes? He was walking past a playground and saw all the Mundane mothers playing with their toddlers. A dream he had dreamed so many times, before meeting Magnus. Changing his children's nappies, teaching them to walk and fight and attending their first shadowhunter rune ceremony. All those things, those kitschy things he had wished for were not graspable before Magnus, but now. Now he suddenly had the chance to make all his dreams become real, with the man of his dreams. And before any of this could come true, Magnus had to wake up. He increased his pace again because he wanted to be the first thing for Magnus to see when he opened his eyes.

Alec was sitting on the uncomfortable chair in the institute again, his butt was slowly strating to hurt but he didn't care. He saw Magnus' eyelashes start to twitch. "Magnus, can you hear me" Alec asks. Magnus blinks and slowly opens his eyes. "There you are. Hey," Alec said pleased. Magnus is still a little confused and Alec gently turns his head with his two fingers in his direction. Magnus chuckles when he sees Alec. "There you are" Magnus repeats and pats gently and awkwardly Alec's cheeks. "Yeah" Alec replies smiling. "What happened?" Magnus asked, still slightly dazed. Alec tried to explain it to him as simple and gently as possible. "Oh, well you got very sick. But everything's gonna be okay." Magnus tried to sit up and Alec got up quickly to help him. Just hold on. Here, let me get that for you." Alec said lovingly. Magnus tried to play the whole situation down again when he joked: "Oh I could get used to this type of treatment. Oh but definitely not to this wardrobe." Alec realized that Magnus wasn't aware of how serious the whole thing was. "Right. Let me get you a change of clothes" he said and wanted to get going. "No, no need" Magnus said and raised his hand to use his magic. "No!" Alec screamed full of panic and healed Magnus' hand so that he couldn't use his magic. "Alexander, what..." Magnus began irritated as his gaze wandered to the door and he noticed Lorenzo. "What's he doing here?" he asked even more astonished. Alec took a deep breath to explain everything to Magnus: "Using Lorenzo's magic is what got you sick. Catarina says that if you use the magic again, even a little bit, it could go horribly wrong. The only way for you to get better is for Lorenzo to take the magic away." He looked away at Magnus and hoped to see an understanding for all this in his eyes but Magnus only replied: "Oh. No, Caterina's just being overly cautious. Trust me, I feel fine." Alec should have known it. Of course, Magnus wasn't aware of how narrowly he escaped death. He had to tell him everything. "No. can we just get a minute, please?" he said and looked at Lorenzo, who had only observed the whole situation pitifully. "No! I'm not getting rid of my magic. Magnus screamed angrily. Why was he so stubborn? Alec had to make him understand how dangerous it was to leave the magic in his body. He didn't want his nightmare to suddenly become reality.

Magnus got up angrily and went for his clothes himself, he stood demonstratively with his back to Alec. But Alec just stood quietly next to him and waited until he had dressed before telling him exactly what had happened. He wasn't sure if Magnus was just pretending he didn't realize how dangerous this magic was for him. "Magnus, you stopped breathing." Alec began. "Your heart stopped. I thought you were gone." Magnus's anger vanished slowly. He hadn't know it had been so bad. "I'm so sorry for scaring you. I was clearly adjusting to Lorenzo's magic and I must have overextended myself." He turned to Alec with a smile to show him he was serious: "I promise, I'll be more careful from now on," he said before returning his attention to his shirt. "It doesn't matter how careful you are. As long as you have Lorenzo's magic, you'll be living with an axe over your head" Alec contradicted. What was wrong with Magnus? "Oh, could you stop being so morbid?" Magnus said when he turned back to Alec. The two men clearly talked past each other. "Look, I know how important magic is to you, but is it really worth dying for it?" Alec tried again. But Magnus didn't answer. "Magnus, answer me." Alec asked again with insistence and full of fear of the answer. Magnus said "Maybe" without turning around and Alec was stunned. "How can you even say that? Alec asked. Magnus now looked at him again and Alec saw the anger, the self-hatred and the fear in his eyes when he said: "I'm nothing without my magic. "You fell in love with Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn. Can you honestly say you don't feel differently about me?

Look at me! Can you honestly say you like this?" he asked in disbelief and disgust as he pointed to his body. Alec was slowly getting desperate, he had to convince Magnus that he loved him even without his magic. "Yes. Your powers were incredible, but that's not why I felt in love with you. I..I..fell in love with you because you're wise a..and you're generous and you're brave and you're incredible" Alec stammered. The feelings overcame him, why couldn't Magnus see it? Why didn't he see how unbelievable he was? Alec continued: "I just... When you walk into a room, there's a spark in you, magic or not, th..tha..that lights up everything and everyone around you. "A..aaa..and... Hey!" he grabbed Magnus by the arm who was about to turn away. Alec didn't know what to say anymore. He only knew one thing he couldn't live without Magnus! When Magnus looked at him again Alec said desperately the last thing he still knew: "I won't lose you. I can't." The room was tense and they just looked at each other. And finally Alec saw it in Magnus' eyes. He got through to Magnus.

When Lorenzo left the room after the withdrawal of the magic, of course not without clarifying that he would keep the loft. Alec noted down his last two pros and cons.

   PRO:  

- I love him

   CONS:  

- Magnus would rather die than live without his magic

The last two reasons he noted down were the ones that weighed most heavily on him. So he sorted the list in his head again and prioritized these last two reasons. He loved Magnus more than anything else there was no doubt. But Magnus wasn't sure if he could live on without his magic or if he wanted to. Alec hears the echo of his words in his head, again and again: "I am nothing without my magic."

Yet I don't understand it. I thought I understood it, how dependent Magnus is on his magic. That I understand his pain. But I'm not a warlock and no matter how hard I try I will never fully understand what Magnus is going through. I keep trying to compare it with the Parabatai bond of me and Jace. If Jace died in a fight, I would feel incomplete and like a stanger a nobody without this bond. A part of me would die and be lost forever. And yet I would never prefer my own death than a life with Magnus. At least I hoped that this thought was true.

This thought ignited the little hope he needed. The hope that Magnus didn't mean it as seriously as he had said it before. That deep down inside his love for Alec was stronger. So it was 3 to 3, equal. No matter how often he went through the list he came to a single decision.

   PRO:  

   - I love him  

   - It was a promise for eternity, a promise to be at his side forever  

   Start a family, after all, there are many other options these days  

   CONS:  

   - Magnus would rather die than live without his magic  

   - Magnus had just suffered some losses, his status symbol as High Warlock of Brooklyn was taken away from him and his loft, his home, was taken from him. These losses sparked a kind of identity crisis in him  

   - The Clave doesn't like to see Shadowhunters and Downworlders getting married. It's not forbidden, but since The Clave is mainly interested in making more shadowhunters, it's a bit frowned upon to marry a warlock or a vampire, because they can't have children 

It didn't matter what was on the contra side of his list, as long as his love for Magnus was at the top of the pro side. He loved Magnus and that outdid all other reasons."I have everything I need, right here." Magnus had said it aptly. And this one reason was the most important one. And therefore he, Alexander Gideon Lightwood would ask Magnus Bane to marry him.

Alec looked through the window of the small library his mother had bought and took a deep breath. On the way there two pros and contras came to his mind. He didn't put them on the list because his decision had already been made but they were still haunting around in his head.

    PRO:  

- He'd have my last name, Magnus Lightwood-Bane

   CONS:  

- He could say no, and I would completely embarrass myself

I think everyone is a bit afraid of this scenario when planning a proposal. Even though I know that Magnus loves me, there is a risk that he will reject my proposal. It could be one of my reasons on the contra column or a completely different one and I think I wouldn't only be sad but it would also be really embarrassing for me. Embarrassing because I'm so impatient, but who doesn't dare doesn't win. And therefore I won't initiate everybody in what I intend to do and try to plan the whole thing in a small scale if not even alone. Hiding it from Jace will probably be the hardest, as he will feel my nervousness for sure, so if he asks me I'll just tell him. Maybe for once he even has a good tip for me. Or could tell me if Alec Bane sounds silly?

Alec opens the door and enters the book store. "Hi" he said and walks to greet his mother. Maryse turns to him and smiles as she greets him: "Alec. What a nice surprise! The two embrace and Alec looks around as he says, "I thought I'd actually stop by and see the place." "Im proud of you." Most of the shelves were already dusty and the books had been rearranged. "Thanks. It's really coming together, isn't it? Maryse said radiantly. Alec was a bit nervous and answered with a question. "There's actually something I wanted to talk to you about." he burst out. Maryse looked at him uncertainly and tried to interpret his face. "What is it?" she asked, worried. The two sat down when Alec began to tell her: "Uhm..Magnus had a little health scare." Maryse was shocked but Alec spoke quickly. "He's okay, everything's fine, but when it happened, it made me realize how much he means to me, and I.. I.. can't live without him." This sentence made his mother overjoyed. She was so happy that her son found someone who loved him heart and soul just as much as he loved him. What could make a mother happier? "That's what love is" she said with a smile. Alec chuckles. "I'm so happy you two found each other." she said. "Me too." Alec said sheepishly. The question burned on his tongue as he slowly began.

"And I need the family ring." he said and looked at her insistently. Maryse stared back not sure if her son really intended what she was thinking he was intended to say. "I'm gonna ask Magnus to marry me." Alec said after a break and Maryse chuchles overwhelmed. Yes she had thought right. She couldn't believe it and jumped up to pull her son into an intimate embrace. Her son is actually getting married!