#I'm sorry for the cry but I'm just so done with this shit
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DANCING WITH OUR HANDS TIED
pairing: max verstappen x singer reader
summary: the one where new rumors begin, secrets start to be revealed and they never stop loving each other
warning: online hate, mentions of cheating
a/n: after two months its finally here for you guys
face claim: sabrina carpenter (just had to because shes gorgeous)
f1 masterlist
main masterilst
series masterlist
landonorris has uploaded a story
seen by yourusername, exbsf and 4, 583, 586 others
yourusername lando as much as i appreciate you trying to do things right
yourusername the damage has already been done ive moved on
landonorris well i havent y/n
landonorris everything that happened is shit
landonorris you never did anything wrong and i let our four year relationship go to waste
landonorris both of us deserve better than that
yourusername i know
exbsf are you fucking kidding me lando
exbsf after all this bullshit your threatening me???
this user has been blocked
Things are heating up between Lando Norris and Ex Bsf after their sudden split
After Landos instagram story on Thursday ExBsf has since come to social media, talking about how she was blind sided by the break up and then further went to discuss how boundaries are important in a relationship and how allegedly Norris has been in contact with his ex girlfriend Y/n L/n and they have been seeing each other behind her back.
CLICK HERE TO READ MORE!
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y/nsprivate wtf is happening guys
thatoneartgirlalex KARMA IS WHATS HAPPENING
-> y/nsprivate FOR REAL THO
keekslikestospammmm BYE BYE BITCH
-> y/nsprivate KEEKS 😭
jimmyandsassysdad everything worked out just how it should've 🖤
-> y/nsprivate I LOVE YOU 🖤
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Y/n couldn't believe it, she just stared at her phone in shock. She had been scrolling absentmindedly through her phone when she saw it. The post. Everything had been coming to head for a while and she knew it, but to see the words written out in front of her? She didn't know what to do.
Exbsf had caused her so much pain and now? It seemed karma was catching up to her. It should've felt good. It should habe been validating. But instead, it was just old wounds reopening.
"Liefde?" Max's comforting voice rang out.
She didn't realise that Max had entered the room. His voice was soft, laced with concern. She gave him a small smile as he crouched infront of her, grabbing her hands to give them a kiss.
"Hey, whats wrong?" He murmured as he brushed a strand of her hair back.
She couldn't get the words out, instead she grabbed her phone and handed it to him. Max took one glance at the screen, his jaw tightening as he pieced it together.
“Y/n…” His voice softened even more as he put the phone down and turned his full attention to her. “It’s okay. I’m here.”
Tears blurred her vision, and before she could stop herself, they spilled over and she hid herself in her hands as they wrecked her body.
Her eyes met his, glassy and red rimmed. “I don’t know why I’m crying,” she whispered, her voice shaky. “I should feel relieved, but instead, it just… hurts. It’s like everything she did is coming back all at once.”
Max nodded, his gaze understanding. “Because you cared about her. You gave them a part of yourself, and they threw it away. That kind of hurt doesn’t just disappear, all I can do is promise you that I'm not going anywhere Mijn liefje.”
He pulled her close, holding her against his chest. He didn’t say anything more, just rested his chin on top of her head and rubbed gentle circles on her back. His steady heartbeat was a grounding rhythm, and slowly, the sobs subsided into quiet sniffles.
“Thank you,” she whispered, her voice muffled against his chest.
Max pulled back just enough to look at her, brushing a tear from her cheek with his thumb. “You don’t have to thank me. I’ll always be here, Y/n. No matter what.”
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exbsf cause I know that you'll never feel sorry
oliviarodrigo hey! so never use my song again 😃
-> exbsf get out of my insta weirdo
-> sabrinacarpenter LIV 😭
-> oliviarodrigo what?
-> user1 HELP I LOVE YOU SO MUCH
user2 is that not y/ns sweater
user3 using livs song is WILD
landonorris has posted a story
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Y/n quietly hummed to herself and she took in the view infront of her. The sun was dipping low on the horizon, painting the ocean in hues of gold and pink as the yacht gently swayed on the calm waves. She took a sip of champagne, waiting patiently for Max as he had set up a picnic for them. The soft sound of the waves was the only noise around, making Y/n feel a kind of calm she had never felt before.
“Y/n,” Max’s voice called softly from behind her, and she turned to see him standing a few feet away, his hands tucked nervously into his pockets.
She smiled, tilting her head. “What’s with the serious face? You’re usually the calm one between us.”
He chuckled, running a hand through his hair. “Yeah, well, even I get nervous sometimes, come here.” He pulled her up and hugged her, swaying for a moment before pulling back. Before she could respond, he closed the gap between them, taking her hands in his. The warmth in his gaze was almost overwhelming, and her heart began to race.
“I’ve been thinking about this moment for a long time, and I know its soon but it feels so right,” he started, his thumbs gently brushing over her knuckles. “And no matter how much I planned it, I don’t think I could ever put into words how much you mean to me.”
“You’ve been my anchor, my safe place, and my biggest adventure all at once. Every day with you feels like a gift, Y/n. And I want that for the rest of my life.” He let go of one of her hands, reaching into his pocket to pull out a small navy velvet box. Slowly, he got down on one knee, opening it to reveal a ring, the diamond on it sparkling from the last light of the setting sun.
“Y/n, will you marry me?”
Tears filled her eyes as she covered her mouth with one hand, overwhelmed by the moment. The love in his voice, the sincerity in his eyes, it was everything she had ever dreamed of.
“Yes,” she whispered, her voice breaking. Then louder, with a laugh bubbling out, she repeated, “Yes!” She then leaned forward to embrace him in a hug, the pair kneeling as Maxs heart thumped.
Y/n leant to kiss him, Max meeting her halfway. Once they pulled back they heard a loud cheer.
Y/n spun around to see her four closest friends standing further away from them, Kika and Alex both crying, although Alex was comforting Charles at the same time.
“How did you?!” Y/n started, looking between Max and their friends.
Max shrugged with a sheepish smile. “I might’ve had a little help setting this up.”
Kika rushed over to hug Y/n, tears in her eyes. “We wouldn’t miss this moment for the world!”
Charles handed Max a champagne bottle, clapping him on the back. “About time, mate.”
Pierre grinned as he popped the first confetti popper. “We’ve been holding our breath in there for so long, but it was worth it!”
The night turned into an impromptu celebration, the five of them toasting under the stars. Y/n couldn’t stop smiling, her hand never leaving Max’s. And as she looked around at her friends, laughing and cheering for her and Max, she couldn’t imagine a more perfect beginning to the rest of their lives together.
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Y/n L/n is Back
After over a year of radio silence, popstar Y/n L/n has posted again, signaling a new album.
CLICK HERE TO READ MORE!
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yourusername LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO MV OUT NOW
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OMG ANOTHER POST?????
i feel like i need to feed you guys, i'll start working on the next part soon
also felt like this was a good length one for yous
anyways a question for you. my main focus is finishing this series and then i'll give you the charles series but would anyone be interested in a lando spinoss series/imagine. i feel like man deserves a break omg.
anyway lmk xx
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#f1 fluff#f1 series#f1 imagine#f1 fic#f1 fanfic#f1#f1 x reader#formula 1#max verstappen#f1 masterlist#max verstappen fic#max verstappen angst#max verstappen x reader#max verstappen imagine#max verstappen fluff#reputation series#repuation
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hii!! been loving your posts!! can i pls request suggestive prompts 2 and 30 for mingyu!! you are holding this entire app on your back rn! 🙌🙌🙌
hiiii! ahhh this is too kind, i'm gonna cry :(( thank you for requesting! 💜 hopefully you will like it!
suggestive prompt: 'can i sit in your lap?' - 'hold still.'
you grimace at the sheer amount of people around - going out on a friday night is never a good idea for someone who is not a fan of crowds, but birthday parties cannot be missed and soon you find yourself squeezed between all your friends and bunch of strangers, sweaty bodies pressed one to another.
'shit, sorry i am late, guys!' mingyu bursts into the circle, quickly going to give a hug to the birthday boy. he then instantly finds you, enveloping you in a big hug: 'hi, baby. sorry i couldn't pick you up. work is crazy.'
'it's okay,' you assure him, breathing normally for the first time during the night once he wraps his arms around you. 'glad you made it.'
'of course,' mingyu leans back and places gentle kiss on your cheek. 'i promised you i would.' he looks in your eyes, frowning. 'you okay so far?'
it's sweet and you want to reassure that you're fine but honestly, you're not. in hopes to avoid brushing strangers constantly and being more in his space, you whisper into his ear: 'can i sit in your lap?'
mingyu looks surprised but eagerly complies, pulling your back to his chest as soon as you're done. 'that's your place, baby,' he brushes his lips over your neck. 'you can always sit here, no permission needed.'
you ignore his words, blushing. thank god it's dark inside and no one notices; everyone is too busy with taking shots and celebrating birthday boy anyways. you slowly relax, feeling safe in mingyu's arms; soon you're enjoying the music and forget about uneasiness you felt before. you don't even notice that you're moving, managing to somehow move to the rhythm whilst sitting on mingyu's lap until he doesn't grip your hips with a low: 'hold still, pretty. you're making it a bit hard for me.'
understanding downs on you as he shifts and you feel the reason for his request, semi-hard. you bite your lap, unsure. part of you wants to continue teasing him but another part is eager for you two to leave. in the end it's not you who suggests that; mingyu lets you lean fully on him and whispers into ear, tracing swirly patterns on your thighs: 'i think if you and i leave right now no one will notice. everyone is drunk.' you shift to get more comfortable and he lowly groans: 'fucking- is that your way of agreeing?'
you blush, giggling quietly. 'sorry, it wasn't intentional, i swear.'
'i don't believe you.' mingyu places small kiss on your temple. 'let's go baby, please. hm?'
you glance at your surroundings and yeah, mingyu's right, no one would bat an eye if you two just left now; his idea seems to be appealing enough. you turn to him, catching his eyes - he's watching you with silent desperation, eyes hungry for more. 'yeah,' you breath out, noticing hitch in his breath. 'let's go home.'
a/n: request your own here! <3 - nini
#seventeen imagine#seventeen reaction#seventeen x reader#svt x reader#kim mingyu#seventeen mingyu#seventeen mingyu imagine#seventeen mingyu x reader#svt mingyu#svt mingyu x reader#svt mingyu imagine#kim mingyu imagine#kim mingyu x reader#seventeen prompt#kim mingyu fanfic
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When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out
#vent#its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything#i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just#im fucking tired ok#and I'm sorry im a bad friend#i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired#i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it#but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit#and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them#and they can lash out on me#i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not#last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend#it wasnt my fault#that friend ghosted me#im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too#but at the same time im too done to even really care#i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day
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I'm afraid it seems the only way to get my schoolwork done on time right now is to simply take an hour or two to Sit Down and Do It so I'm simply going to die instead
#the thought of having to just sit down and get shit done puts me genuinely on the verge of tears so I don't think it's going to get done 🧍#like I'm supposed to just sit down and put my full attention on something that's fairly boring for a couple hours?#genuinely not possible sorry. not happening#the thing with adhd is that sometimes things are so boring they make you cry#and sometimes you're a whole ass adult crying because you don't want to do your homework which is. embarrassing
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i don't think i'll ever get over how people treat kids that aren't good in school as worthless no matter what. "oh it can't be that bad" my guy idk how to tell you this but the last time i went to a normal high school the principal called me into his office to brag about how he failed me in all of my classes before the semester was even finished & i should quit while i'm ahead cuz i'm too stupid ("officially" diagnosed as such by a school counselor & a psychiatrist!!) to succeed. & this is considered normal
#''poor teachers!!'' yeah well at least they can fucking quit & go work somewhere else#''okay but times are different than when you went to school in the 1970's'' this was 2016 my guy. shut the fuck up#''well maybe you were a violent & severely misbehaving kid!'' i wasn't. i have ADHD & severe anxiety disorder & depression#my biggest crime was being too exhausted & dopamine deprived to do my homework#my dad talks about how he was treated in school & i'm like damn dude i went through the same exact shit#how is it that a majority of teachers & principals are still abusive power-tripping pieces of shit 60 years later#why haven't things changed#well actually the answer is simple & it's because they want disabled people to disappear#& if abled students that simply disagree with the way things are done get caught in the crossfire then that is acceptable#because anyone not fit to make billionaires a billion more dollars should just die!#anyways here are my original tags from that gravity falls post i just reblogged:#I know this is supposed to be an appreciation post but like. ''for being the ''dumb one'' he's surprisingly rational.'' seriously??#as ''the dumb'' but ''surprisingly rational'' one of my family this is THEE biggest misunderstanding & it drives me up the fucking wall#just because a person struggles in one area doesn't mean they're stupid & should be an irrational dumb dumb idiot baby holy fuckkk#sorry to OP but even when people try to ''appreciate'' stuff like this they can't help but throw in insults#simply because they genuinely believe that ''even though you're stupid you SURPRISINGLY act competent sometimes'' is a compliment#I'm less mad about this & more sad that this kind of shit is still so prevalent in 2024#both Stanley & Stanford are smart & competent & rational#they just show it in different ways & exceed in different (sometimes overlapping) subjects#this is normal for human beings but the big societal scam is that if you don't do it in the way Ford does then you're stupid & a failure#& being surprised that Stan is also smart & competent in his own ways is the biggest sing that you fucking fell for it dude#btw before i get @ ed for this. i WAS that kid#i was so much that kid the school actually diagnosed me with stupid & spiteful & i was told to quit while i was ahead (they failed me befor#obviously this is very personal for me but also i don't think people realize the language they use is on purpose & it's used specifically t#& it's still happening right now & that just. makes me wanna cry honestly#like why are people still surprised that people can specialize in something despite bad grades in school#you know. the thing we all know is literally rigged to either put you in jail or in a factory to make billionaires more money.#man sorry for the rant the original spirit of the post is super correct but like fuck HS grade-centric judging of people's entire character#Stan being able to defeat Bill is just not at all surprising if you were him or knew/know someone like him#or really paid any attention at all to the show while watching it
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saw you post 'listen before you go', thought you'd enjoy this:
oh...
#sterechats :)#going through It. and by It let's just say. the worst loss of my life lol#but I don't think anyone wants to hear how I ruined it again#and how badly I miss them#and if they'd give me one more chance I'd be the happiest person in the world#they put up with so much shit I should never have put them through#I can't blame them for leaving I just wish I could show them how much they mean to me#that behind all of my masks and my anger I cared about them more than anything#and I'm just so damn scared of being vulnerable because I've learned vulnerability is weakness#and even though that's wrong and I know it is it's less vulnerable to close myself off and respond with rage#than it is to actually confront my own emotions and realize that I'm not a robot#that I have feelings and they're usually really big and overwhelming for me#and I have to step back and process these things on my own because it's unfair to others#because I can't keep treating my friends like they're responsible for my emotions and at fault for them#because I need to actually communicate my needs instead of assuming people know them#because these same patterns are why I keep losing friends over and over again#and if I don't fix them I'm never going to be able to maintain a friendship#god. if they're ever going to read this I hope they know how much they mean to me#and how deeply and truly sorry I am for everything I've done#and how I never want to hurt them ever again#and I'm crying again. it feels like all I'm ever doing recently is crying#you know that saying 'you don't realize what you have until it's gone'? yeah.#for all the shit I talked I'd do anything to hear them tell me about their f1 drivers again#I miss them so much it's killing me it feels like#I just. I don't think they're coming back#no matter how much I tell myself they just need a few weeks or months#I think I really fucked it up this time and I don't want to admit it to myself#because I don't think I can mentally accept that they're gone forever most likely#I just want to hope that they'll give me that one last chance and I can prove myself#I just want to talk to them again and it hurts so much
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grabbing my period by the throat. leave me the fuck alone
#rambling#vent#i have been super extra uber emotional this cycle#and it's pissing me the fuck off.#i hate being that 'god sorry it's my period' person but AAAAAAAAAA#i'm so stressed and the littlest things piss me off and i'm just so miserable#i wanna go home but i have two more fucking hours here#and then i have to fill up my tires#and i'm tired and it's gonna be cold and i've never fucking done that before!!!#what if i do it wrong. what if i fuck it up and fuck up my car because i'm too dumb to put air in them#i just wanna cry so bad but i'm still at WOOOOORK and i'll be trapped here FOREVER#with these dumbass stupid confusing calls and angry customers#and shit idk how to do yet. blarg
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#I'm broken#I was already broken but now I feel like I can't do anything#Ive done too much#and now I'm just a piece of shit who won't apologize to anyone upfront#Just crying in the tags pathetically waiting for anything to happen#I can't do this#I can't help people no matter how hard I try and it makes me feel like I have absolutely no purpose here#and It's taking too much of a toll to fail#I should just go to sleep and forget about everything#but sleep is for people who care about themselves#I do care about myself#but I care in a way that I need revenge on her#I loathe her and everything she's done to the people that tried to love her#she's pathetic and ugly and I don't see how anyone even tried to befriend her in the first place#and I feel especially bad for the people who succeeded#because she turned into a clingy parasite for everyone who talked to her#She never even had the courage to start a conversation with people and made each and every one of them feel like this shitbag didn't care#She just hurts and hurts and hurts until she comes crawling back to apologize only for her to clam up all over again#she's selfish and rude and pathetic in every awful way and I wish people would learn that about her#I feel sorry for her and everything that becomes of her shitty actions#but she never FUCKING learns and it ends up hurting everyone that was sorry enough to pity her with conversation#I wish she would just suck it all up and try to be a good fucking person for ONCE in her FUCKING life in a way that didn't make people want#to fucking#off themself just because they TALKED to her and she rudely FUCKED OFF TO NOWHERE#because at the end of the day#I say to myself#at the end of the day she tries her fucking best#BUT NOBODY SEEMS TO FUCKING SEE THAT SHE IS CONSTANTLY FUCKING TREMBLING AT THE MERE *THOUGHT* OF HAVING TO LIVE AS HERSELF#and I feel so bad for her#I feel bad for me I guess
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actually going to throw the hugest fit over my parents making me do dishes. i am HAPPY to do dishes on assigned nights. it's FINE. i hate it so much but i'll get it done and if i'm having constant breakdowns over it then like. idk. maybe that's another issue that you should be looking into but it doesn't mean that i'm not up for doing the dishes. but now my mom wants to have the five of us just. do the dishes on a rotation? which is FUCKED cause i have SHIT to do! the fuck happens when i have dnd? or want to go out with a friend? or have class until late? literally worst fucking idea on earth i can do the fucking dishes but i have to be PREPARED for it. for instance don't make it so every other week i'll be fucking Doing something when it's my night to do the dishes
#so tired and lowkey pissed off about this i'm going to cry#my mom got rlly upset cause the dishes weren't getting done. fair.#my nights got Done most of the time and i volunteered to take on an extra night so idk. i think that should count for something.#but she got upset and said that she would just do dishes from now on#and then realized it was a lot of work and said she couldn't do it on her own and needed people to help#and then said 'we should do it this way!' and never actually implemented that way#like. just said it out loud. but then like. expected it to magically happen?#babe you can't just throw out a hypothetical and go 'alright! now that i have spoken it into existence it's going to happen'#fucking WHATEVER though. cause now it's going to be my fun little dishes night on friday when i have dnd.#first fuckin round of it.#and it's not even that i don't want to i CAN'T do the fucking dishes on friday cause i'm barely in the house!#i'll be home on friday after work for fifteen minutes tops!#so. going to complain. literally some of us have schedules that take up the nighttime.#sorry that neither of my little siblings hang out with people or have regular social engagements or work late or have class late.#but unfortunately i'm literally doing shit. and i need to incorporate things into my schedule or it's gonna fuck all my shit up#and then people will be angry with me for not getting the dishes done. so. again. fuck me i guess#it'll be fine i'll talk to her i just. ugh. the world if mothers just fucking talked about what they wanted and needed to happen#she proposed that Multiple weeks ago and just now i heard her in the kitchen going 'i thought we were doing this...'#bitch since WHEN??? SINCE WHEN??? YOU HAVEN'T BROUGHT IT UP IN A FULL WEEK AT LEAST#throwing my fucking laptop against the wall i'm so fucking tired i just want to sleep#valentine notes
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Shitstorm of a day
#Person I was working with today broke down and cried#I broke down and cried#I'm just so pissed and disappointed#Ppl act like we're not giving our all and hold things against us that they have no right to#We can't help that our backgrounds are just different#And we're in this program to make up for our shortcomings of not having direct plant experience#Like we are here for a reason it's not just for shits and giggles#And the me that goes into these plants is a different me than the one at home#Because I am going into a place with the intent to do work and absorb as much information as possible#So I'm sorry if I don't ask you about your home life when I'm being paid to learn the process and how plants differ#I'm trying to do my job and most of that is ask questions about the process and how things are done#I'm not here to unnecessarily take up your time and shoot the breeze with everybody#I tell myself that otheelr ppls opinion of me doesn't matter but have I been failing this whole time#Do most ppl think I'm too shy to do any job in the future properly#I'm not always this quite but I just don't like spending my time unproductively#I was told that this was the time to sell myself and show the plat a that I mean business#But has it all been for naught? Are they just taking this 2d impression of me and writing me off?#I fuckin can't right now#Can't believe I'm crying over this after I promised myself to do better by myself and say fuck em if other ppl don't like me#I just don't have the strength to deal with this rn
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Trying my hardest not to be anxious and sad about things that have already happened and that I can't do anything about now. But How
#woes of emily#work shit. which wasn't entirely my fault but was my fault enough and :(#like. if a customer is mad at me i dont care but when a colleague is it makes me sad and anxious and i hate it#and just. the way she dealt with me was bad idk#like she was like. i wouldn't have done that. you shouldn't do that. you should have noticed that#if you'd said i would have helped#like I'm still so new if im doing something wrong just tell me!! just step in!! just help#like now i can't even defend myself#and now I'm worried even though its probably fine#like either in a month i will have forgotten all about it#or. it'll be a big thing and I'll be fired from my job so <3#maybe not actually fired but. it could be bad#but also. more likely. literally it will be fine forever idk :/#it's just been a long week and I've felt like crying all afternoon#and i met up with my friend which was nice but now I'm two stupidly expensive cocktails deep#also also. i got a text saying that basically I'm no longer going to be registered with a gp practice#but thinking about doctor/medical stuff literally makes me want to kms sooooooooooooooo. not helping#sorry. feeling emotions and they're going here#need sleep. more than anything
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Help I have so many song inspired fanfic of Kavehtham in my mind
#Kavehtham#they haunt me#LITERALLY#i had exams today AND THEY WERE IN MY HEAD THE WHOLE TIME#listening to music while doing revision? they're there#it's like every single song i listen to makes me go#holy shit this is so Kavehtham#i couldn't FOCUS#are they all angst? yes#i am sorry but it is yes#i love angst despite the emotional damage it gives me until I'm crying my heart out#anyways i might write it....at some point#either i wait for my exams to be done cause my last paper is on monday AND IT'S ADDMATHS#cries#or I'll just give in to the temptation and write them later#for now i will sleep bcs man am i tired from the exams and the blorbos living rent free in my head
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so the thing is that i do believe if you create a degree that is designed in such a way that students don’t ever do ONE (1) single essay in the entire Four Years it lasts* then it is deranged and insane to be like oh i see you’re about to graduate. you need to write a 40 page long thesis worth FIFTEEEN CREDITS btw and no one is going to help you or guide you in any way (ANY WAY!!! WHATSOEVER!!!!!) LET ALONE your thesis supervisor. good luck lol. also you need to orally present it to a group of 3 professors and if they don’t like it you will not graduate. byee
#* i don't mind that. i hate essays. but#.txt#sorry i feel insane thinking about my thesis and how badly its looking because um im stupid and picked a topic that barely has any info <3#thats def my fault but also OHGRGRHGRGR IM KILLING MYSELF!!!! IM KILLING IM BITING HOW DO I DO THIS SHIT????#I HAVENT EMAILED MY SUPERVISOR IN A MONTH BECAUSE IM STRESSING ABOUT EXAMS BUT I ALSO HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW HER!!!!!!!!#no offense but i stressed out about this way before i even finished high school and i was right for it#without being conceited i have very good grades so far but i am genuinely like. this might be what gets me lmao#anyway time to have a good little cry and then see people for the first time in like a week#i literally cannot stress how much we have not done one single essay or presentation in our whole degree#OR LIKE ANY RESEARCH WORK?#ITS JUST CRAZY ITS CRAZY BEHAVIOR#okay I'm normal I'm ormal
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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the struggles of today proved to me that i might indeed be a little mentally unwell
#not enough to go to therapy but at least now i know what i should work on#correct me if i'm wrong but most people probably don't start to feel suicidal if there's like. a problem at work#i've been asked to support the back office and help with managing cases which is okay i guess. but i'm not a support team person so#i don't know how to do a lot of things despite using the learning resources provided by the workplace#and this one case i'm handling was rather easy on the surface. no info in sys so parcel can't move forward. ask origin to release data. eas#but then origin says that they can't because they get an error message when putting in receiver's acc number. ruh roh#if origin can't release data no one can. i've asked them to handle it with IT but had no response. in the meantime the other involved CS#started getting involved and now a production in a factory is stopped. and i know it's not my fault but i could've done better#acted faster. thought smarter. and i hate this kind of responsibility. and that i care too much#i've cried so much today i'm so tired. from the stress of this task i've been given and because of the IT issues popping in all the time no#i logged into work 45 minutes late because the VPN i've been using shit itself and i had to get a backup one#i should've gotten it installed ages ago but nooo let's do that laterrrrr you definitely won't regret that#i hate having to put up with this bitch (me) .#another thing is. it's currently summer vacation season so i'll have to brace myself for more support work to come. it's probably gonna go#just as bad if not worse. i'm so not cut out for this. i'll have to ask my boss if he can move me to a different service#so i can have an excuse like sorry i can't help i'm no longer associated with tnt~#but that's gonna have to wait until he;s back from his vacation in august . oh well#also all this stress might result in me getting something akin to an ED#my stress response other than crying and shaking is not feeling hunger. i ate something substantial at 5pm and had breakfast at 6am#between that i had two small pieces of candy and water#i'm already bad at feeding myself or at the very least eating nutritious food . this could make me worse#“oh but kav everyone makes mistakes and it's important to learn from them! keep fighting!” bitch i don't want to i didn't sign up for this#if i wanted to work for Support Team i'd have applied there. i did not wish to get involved with them and their work#sorry i needed to get this out of my system. i'll probably complain to some irls too but i might be able to do that without crying now#laments#<- i think this is going to be my vent tag
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listen ok so i made some good jokes yesterday about Lestat having an onlyfans but i am back today with a new essay and this one is entitled
Why The Invention Of Social Media Is Going to Permanently Save Loustat's Fucking Marriage
come on this journey with me.
ok so on one hand we have Louis, who does not like to leave the house except when he absolutely fucking has to and even then he resents it. my man wants to be at home with a book 100% of the time and he's so fucking valid for that. When he leaves the house, bad things happen to him. He has learned this and honestly i can't fault his evidence. it sucks out there. it truly incredibly sucks out there.
the problem is that sometimes he is married to lestat, who starts clawing at the walls if people aren't paying attention to him for 12 consecutive seconds, and being Out Of The House is the best place for him to go foraging for People To Pay Attention To Him. my man once had a rock star career the way that some people get addicted to meth brewed in a trashcan in someone's garage. Louis, through no fault of his own, is simply not capable of filling this psychological need no matter how hard he tries, except he should not even HAVE to try like that, because no one can do it, because Lestat is fucked up and like wasn't hugged enough as a child or something
this imbalance in their relationship is the core source of all their marital problems since day 1: THIS man's idea of a good time is chilling on the sofa in silence and maybe staring contemplatively at the wall for a while, and THIS man starts self-destructing at a truly astonishing rate if no one is making eye contact with him. If you make Louis go outside and socialize with people, he's miserable and sulking and whining about "are we done can we go home". If you make Lestat sit in silence in a chair for five minutes he starts crying and claiming that No One Has Ever Loved Him, Ever, Ever, And No One Understands Him, And He Hates Everyone In This House and He Is Being Actively Neglected And Cruelly Mistreated Right Now And No One Even Bothers To Feel Sorry For Him, This Is BASICALLY Domestic Violence Against Him Personally, If Only Anyone Knew About The Quiet Hidden Tragedies Of An Unhappy Marriage, and then he breaks some furniture and a window and isn't seen again for six weeks and comes back like "you will not believe what just happened, i [checks notes] met Merlin and also a dragon who gave me three wishes, brb i'm going to write another book about it :))))"
all you fucking have to do to fix their problems is to hand Lestat a cellphone and say the words "do you know about social media? you can say whatever shit you want and there's always someone awake in some time zone to talk to you." Suddenly Lestat is now very interested in sitting quietly on the couch, Lounging Alluringly and posting thirst traps on instagram and finally getting emotional fulfillment from all the likes and comments of "omg???? omg this is the hottest man alive". he does not have to leave the house anymore to get his attention meth. His yawning abyss of neediness is being fulfilled by having parasocial relationships with millions of strangers online who all think he's sexy and don't have to experience how fucking awful he is up close. he can flirt pointlessly with 200 people at once which is FINALLY ENOUGH FLIRTATIONS FOR HIM TO SATISFACTORILY JUGGLE
Meanwhile Louis is 3 feet away, vaguely reflecting to himself that HE is feeling all emotionally fulfilled because they're spending this great Quality Time together in perfect silence while he reads his book and Lestat plays on his cellular telephone and only OCCASIONALLY giggles to himself or says "louis which of these photos do you think is sexier, the one with four buttons undone or the one with five buttons undone" Louis is feeling like his Opinion is being Valued, Louis feels like he is being Consulted on Matters that are Important To Lestat. He has opinions about the photographs. It is not that much trouble to be interrupted from staring philosophically at the wall to spend five seconds looking at a photograph and then saying "that one". Finally he is experiencing Cozy Domesticity. he is so horny about it. lestat is surprised and bewildered about the sudden sharp increase in the amount of sex he is now getting but before he can make any vaguely mean comments about it (bc he's confused and vaguely defensive and worried that it's going to stop out of nowhere and he doesn't know any other interpersonal skills for expressing a thought) his phone pings about how he's just broken 5 million followers on instagram and he totally forgets to even mention the sex thing, which means that he continues getting the sex instead of inciting an argument about the sex and going through his 800th divorce from Louis
all their friends are extremely confused when a whole month, and then six months, and then a year goes by without another Loud Divorce happening and no one crashing through their front door like "I HAVE TO SLEEP IN YOUR GUEST COFFIN FOR THE NEXT MONTH, HE IS INTOLERABLE". They are worried. they are concerned. what is going on over there. are they both dead. no, they can't both be dead, Lestat just posted another tiktok of him sucking on his own fingers, which he would not be doing if Louis were dead. there is an ecosystem collapse happening in the groupchat and it's because the main Drama Vectors have been neutralized
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