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lostinwildflowers · 2 years ago

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The Aviator's Cowgirl

Jake "Hangman" Seresin x Reader

Summary: You and Jake go way back to his roots in Texas, with things ending in a rough manner. Now, he comes home to the farmer's daughter whose heart he swore he would never ride, or fly, off with.

Word Count: 4.0K

Warnings: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Harsh Language at times, Hangman was lowkey a dumb jerk, Cowboy!Hangman, probably inaccurate Navy timing and military jargon

A/N: I'm back with Part 2 of Cowboy Hangman!! He's not much of a cowboy in this, but I figured it shows you why he is the way he is. Let me know how you like it!-Birch<3

Part 1 - The Farmer's Daughter

*Ring* *Ring* *Ring*

"Hi! I'm not able to answer the phone right now or I don't have service. If you leave a message, I'll try to get back to you as soon as I can!"

Your voice sounds so cheerful, so happy in the message the blonde listened to, his phone pressed against his ear in a hope that you might pick up.

A harsh tone sounds out, and he opens his mouth to speak, but no words seem to come out. A sigh falls from his lips as he pulls the phone away from his head, clicking the "end call" button before pressing the screen to his forehead, his eyes fluttering closed.

Fuck. It was bad.

Jake knew things wouldn't be the same when he came home. He knew he would have been naive to think you'd be happy to see him after all this time.

But man, it hurt him more than he thought to see how you toughened after he left. To see that your eyes didn't hold the same soft, (colored) glow that they used to.

You looked worn, and Jake knew he was likely the reason behind the tired and cold look on your face. Oh, how he missed it when you shone like the sun, even on the iciest day, you were a beam of light.

Now? Now you had hardened your shell, shut the world out from your heart. The very one he had crushed and shattered when he left. And that's why he was back. To fix it.

"Another call from Jake?" your friend, Mary Anne, called out as she finished untacking her horse. You were standing in the doorway to the tack area, phone in hand.

You had watched Jake's name flash across your screen, the contact picture one you had taken up on Thraller's Ridge, your favorite place to watch the sunset. And rightfully so, it was a picture of Jake on Sandy, the sun casting his features in soft pinks and yellows.

You had just cracked a joke, and there was a laugh on his lips as he had turned to look at you, his Stetson just barely shadowing his face. It was such a genuine moment, it showed how domestic your relationship had been. How down-to-earth Jake had been.

A hiccup catches in your throat as you click your phone off, not wanting to see if he left a voicemail or not. You turn back to Mary Anne and shrug, "Nothing important."

Your friend swings past you, her saddle in tow as she sets it on a rack behind you. Then, Mary Anne turns on you, placing a hand on her hip and then she cocks her head.

"Y/n, just answer him. Hear him out. I know you still love him, he was your fiance for a reason," she tries, waving her hands at the end of her sentence.

You close your eyes and swallow thickly before stating, "Mary Anne, he left me. For 6 months. No warning. No reason. No calls or texts. It seemed pretty obvious he didn't want me anymore."

Your eyes flicker back open, but now Mary Anne is standing in front of you, a sad smile drawn across her lips. She places her hands on your shoulders and she replies, "So don't you think now is the chance to hear why?"

She leaves you with that, sliding back into the hallway to put her horse back out to pasture. You watch her go in silence, your heart aching at the thought of talking to Jake again.

Just as you take a step to check on your own horse, your phone buzzes.

Please, Y/n/n. I know I fucked up, and I have no right to ask this. But please hear me out, okay? You know where to find me. -J

Your eyes skim the text, tripping over themselves and having to go back and reread the message. Damn right you fucked up, you think to yourself as you pocket your phone.

But... maybe Mary Anne was right? You walk off and shake your head, trying to clear your thoughts. As you glance at your friend walking her horse out of the barn aisle, you catch sight of Sandy out in the pasture, her yellow face hanging just above the gate, looking at you.

You sigh and walk up to her, your boots scraping the ground as you approach your mare. She sneezes as you stop in front of her, and you can't help the smile that creeps onto your face.

"I know, girl," you mumble as you brush her forehead with your hands, "It sounds like a trap to me. I don't want to be heartbroken again." Sandy leans into your hand, closing her eyes and scratching against your fingers.

A chuckle falls from your lips as you love on her, but you freeze as a memory overtakes you.

"Are you sure about this?" Jake asks as he grabs the reins of Sandy, looking the mare up and down before glancing at you, "You know, I easily could have loaded up Blue and brought him over."

You wave your hand at him dismissively as you grab Henry's reins for yourself, "It's alright, babe. I want to watch someone ride her anyway." You gave him a sweet smile as you started walking down the barn aisle, patting Henry's brown neck as you move.

Jake just chuckles at you as you turn around, and he's not one to fight you on the matter of horses. He knew your mare was special to you, and that no one rode her except for you. He honestly felt honored that you were comfortable enough to allow to him ride her.

"Alright girl," he starts as he turns back to Sandy, "Let's go whoop your momma's ass, alright?" Sandy just snorts as Jake leads her after you, grinning wide as he watches your figure freeze and whip around.

Your features are covered in mock anger, with your mouth dropped open as you exclaim, "Excuse me?! I'll have you know, Henry is our local rodeo heading hall of fame-r!"

At that, your hands land on your hips sassily, and you glare playfully at the blonde cowboy as he walks up next to you. You hold his green gaze as he leans down and over you, filling up your space.

Jake leans down and smirks at you before he swats his rein toward your butt with a, "C'mon, cowgirl. Show me what you're made of."

A tear was sliding down your cheek before you could stop it, and you look down, brushing the tear away while you stepped back from Sandy. You glance back up at her and let out a pathetic laugh, trying to will the overwhelming sadness away.

"Oh, Sandy. What do I do?" you whisper, watching your mare take a few steps back before turning to join the other mares by the hay hut. As you follow her figure walking away, you know what you need to do.

You sigh and clench your fists as you walk back toward the barn, where Mary Anne is waiting. You walk past her, trying to keep your chin up, but she knows you better than that.

"Good luck, Y/n/n," she calls after you, "Try to keep a level head, okay?" You just wave your hand in acknowledgment as you continue on your way to your '71 Chevy Cheyenne Fleetside, the tan and white of the truck aged with time.

You slide into the single cab, resting your hands on the wheel. You pause for a moment, trying to steel your nerves before you reach down and start the ignition.

Pulling out of your driveway was the hardest part of heading to where you knew you'd find Jake. Turning left out of your home, the red dirt road that led you to Jake's farm was quiet.

There was no one in sight as you cruised down the backroad, driving down the hollers and up the hills that you knew like the back of your hand. You couldn't bring yourself to turn any music on, instead choosing to stew in your thoughts and what you would say to the man you loved.

Loved? Still love?

It was an ongoing battle in your mind. There was never anyone else, even after all this time. No thought of accepting a guy's flirty comment for dinner, not even going out for drinks with your girls.

It had been a lonely and hard 6 months full of heartbreak and work, There was no time to cope with Jake leaving, and there sure as hell wasn't time to find someone else.

That was the last thought you were left with as you pulled into the driveway of a large ranch you had spent countless hours at. There wasn't anyone around that you could see, which made your heart skip a beat in your chest.

You turn the key in your truck, the engine settling down as you glanced out around the front yard. A few chickens pecked the ground just outside of one of the shops, but the door was closed.

You pause for a moment, questioning if you were really going to follow through. You aren't given much of a choice when a set of fluffy ears pops up in your window, and you are greeted by the happy face of Nyla, the German Shepard.

A smile falls to your lips as you call out, "Down girl, easy, easy!" A few giggles follow suit, and you open to door, crouching on the ground to rub on the belly of the old dog.

Her tail wags happily as you scratch her belly and her ears, her whole body trying its best to wriggle like she used to as a pup. You can't help the wide smile on your face as Nyla jumps up and starts trying to lick your face, seemingly having missed you.

You can't stop the laughter as the dog lovingly assaults you, but they soon become silent at the deep call of, "Nyla! Nyla, come here!"

You freeze at the voice. It was one you knew all too well, one that you knew like the back of your hand. The dog leaves you alone, her tail dropping slightly as she trotted off to the edge of the front porch.

Standing on the top step on the wrap-around porch was Jake. All six feet of glory, donning a leather jacket and a ball cap, he looked good. Boots and jeans were his go to, and you can't help the way your mouth goes dry at the sight of him.

He leans down to pet her on the head as she stops and sits next to him, and you clear your throat as you push yourself up off the ground. I bet he saw that whole thing. Shit, you think to yourself as you avert your gaze from him.

The next thing you know, Jake is walking down the steps, heading straight for you. His boots make the gravel under him crunch, and you can't help the step you take back to lean against your truck.

Even the way he walks is different, you think as he strides toward you, It's... more calculated than it used to be. He doesn't walk like a cowboy now.

Jake stops a few feet in front of you, giving you plenty of space. Jade-colored orbs flash over your body, noting the flannel that covered your upper body, and the grey-felt hat that covered your (colored) hair.

"You came," he says. It's simple and to the point. There was no trace of emotion in his voice, but it was written all over his face. A slight curve to his lips, just the hint of a smile. Not a frown, but the smallest glimmer of hope simmering in his eyes.

You nod, unsure of what to say. You shuffle on your feet as you glance down at your boots, kicking a small rock and watching it roll away.

"I did," you whisper, your eyes making their own decision to look back at the tall blonde. Jake takes a step forward, his hand coming up toward your face, but you flinch and flatten against the door of your truck, your head turning away, eyes snapping shut.

You gasp under your breath, not even realizing how your body moved instinctively away from him. When you turn back to Jake, you see hurt written all over his features, and pain in his eyes.

His hand drops back to his side and clenches into a fist. He swallows thickly and says, "I-I'm sorry, Y/n/n-" "You don't have the right to call me that anymore," you snarl out.

This catches his attention, and he blinks at you slowly, another wave of pain rushing over his features. Yet he nods once and restarts, "Sorry. Can we- can we go inside and talk about this?"

You feel a wave of heat overtake you at the harshness of your words, and you remember what Mary Anne told you before you left, Try to keep a level head.

You clear your throat and shake your head, "I'd prefer if we stayed outside." Jake nods again and motions toward the small pond that was on the side of the driveway.

"The dock alright?" he asks as he takes a step back, and he watches you for any hesitation as you give him a nod and walk in front of him, your arms crossing over your chest.

The pond was one of your favorite places about Jake's farm. Many late nights he had brought you out here under the stars, casting a line for the small fish that lived in it.

Stolen kisses, borrowed jackets. It seemed like a lifetime ago, the thought hits you. Your feet pause at the end of the dock, and you find yourself sitting down, letting your feet dangle above the water.

Jake mirrors you, sitting on the other edge of the dock, leaving a foot or two of space between you and him. It's silent. The evening was upon you, and the sun just barely was setting over the distant mountain.

There were some chirps from the crickets in the grasses around the pond, but it wasn't quite summer, so things cooled off when the sun went down.

You fold your arms over your chest, and you glance at him, taking in his features now that you were close. Hardened eyes, firm features. He looked weathered, not like the lively and carefree Jake you knew.

"What happened?" you whisper, your voice just barely cutting above the breeze blowing through, your hair swirling around you underneath your hat.

Jake swallows thickly before speaking, his gaze rigid on the edge of the water. "I had to leave," he starts. His hand reaches for a small pile of rocks near the end post of the dock.

One rock at a time, he skips them across the surface of the water with practiced ease. It made you think of a memory, but you push it down as you try to focus on him at the moment.

"Why?"

It seemed to be the age-old question. Why did he leave? He should have been able to spit it out, to tell you the reason, but he felt ashamed at the reality of what your response would be.

He doesn't answer you for a second, his left hand coming to grip the wooden edge of the dock firmly. Jake's knuckles go white, and you can see him almost dissociate.

In a moment of bravery, you reach your right hand out, letting your fingers rest on his own. His gaze immediately snaps over to you, and when the light of the sun hits his eyes, you see it.

Tears. Tears gathered in his eyes, and he looked scared. Everything in your body screamed at you to stay back, get away, he'll only hurt you in the end.

But you knew Jake, and even if he changed, his core needs never did. You lean forward, and you pull him into your arms, into a hug. He stiffens under your touch, his arms going rigid as you hold him.

He curses himself for being so weak, so vulnerable in front of you, especially when you came here to hear him out, not comfort him.

"Sorry," he says again, and you pull back at the sound of his voice. Jake reaches up and brushes the tear out of his eye and he mutters, "You never should have to see me like this."

Your gaze softens and you reply, "And yet I promised you I'd stay by your side through everything." Jake looks at you, and he swears he could sob at the way you're looking at him.

You're still the same girl he fell in love with years ago, and with the way you're looking at him, he thinks you never stopped.

He takes a deep breath to ground himself before he starts, "I didn't leave because I didn't want to marry you, or because I didn't love you."

He looks deep into your eyes and whispers, "God, I loved you back then. I love you even more now." A wave of butterflies comes over you at his confession, but you stay silent, urging him to continue.

Jake looks back toward the edge of the water before he continues, "I was drafted. I was pulled to join the aviators of the Navy in California."

You still at his words, your mouth falling open as you blink in shock. Jake laughs icily as he watches a fish come up to the surface to catch a mosquito, and then continues, "I was going to be the whole way across the country, with people I'd never met, away from you for who knows how long."

You can feel your own tears burn in your eyes and you mumble, "Jake..." But he's not done and pushes, "I'd never wanted to be a pilot, Y/n. All I ever wanted to do was marry you, have a family and kids, and run my old man's farm."

His words and voice are intense, close to breaking, but he states, "I knew I could be gone for years. Killed overseas. I couldn't put you through that, so I had to become the best damn pilot they ever saw."

You can't stop the strangled gasp from leaving your lips, and you lunge forward, your body working faster than your mind. Tears stream from your eyes as you slap him, your palm making contact with his ever-so-slightly stubbly cheek.

His head recoils away, and his eyes shut as you whack him with you hands. "You asshole!" you yell, tears blurring your vision, you lean forward and crush him into a hug.

Jake didn't know how to respond, so he opted for one hand on your waist. His cheek was stinging from the impact of your slap, but he knew he deserved it.

What he didn't understand was why you were hugging him.

After all this time, his dumb explanation and reasoning, and you were hugging him? A sob pushes through your lips, and Jake feels his heart splinter at the raw emotion in your cry.

He wraps his arms around you tightly, thinking to himself that you could punch him, slap him, kick him in a minute- but he'd try his damn best to comfort you right now.

"You asshole," you manage to choke out, "6 months of leaving me with nothing, just because you got drafted?" Jake closes his eyes and squeezes you tighter, trying to commit your body to his memory before you pulled away.

"Jake. Jake. Jay," you say, the desperation in your voice growing with each call of his name. You try to push him off of you, and he lets go of you a moment later.

Your hand comes up to cradle the cheek you slapped, the skin still red from the impact of your hand. You can tell he's unsure, and nervous about what you're going to say.

There's raw fear in his green eyes, and you knew in a minute you could crush him. But you couldn't do that.

You let your palm rest on his cheek, the other moving to push the baseball cap from his head, setting it on the dock behind you two. With one hand on his cheek, and the other at the base of his neck, you stare at the man in front of you.

Suddenly, it all makes sense. His larger, stronger physique. Training in the military, always working out to stay fit. The hardened look in his eye. Getting used to taking orders and following them without question. His shortened hair and clean-shaven face. The need to remain sharp-looking at all times when in uniform.

"Oh, Jake," you whisper, a tear streaming from your eye. Jake reaches up with his own hand, cupping your face and brushing the tear away gently.

"Why would you ever leave and not tell me you got drafted?" you ask, your voice open and vulnerable. He sighs in your hands, his free hand coming up to cover your own lithe fingers.

"I was afraid you wouldn't want me anymore, and I didn't think I could handle you saying that to my face. So I made the choice for you," he says slowly, "I know it was stupid, but," and he pauses.

He looks deep into your (colored) eyes and states, "But leaving while I knew you still loved me was a better option than having to leave and knowing you didn't."

A hiccup takes over you and you whisper, "Jake, I haven't stopped." He freezes at that, his grip tightening on your hand holding his face.

"Say it again."

A small smile creeps onto your lips and you whisper, "Jake, I still love you." Jake's features then begin to mirror your own, a watery smile coming across his mouth as he replies, "I still love you too. That's why I came to find you on the ranch a while back."

You just shake your head and mutter, "Stop with the excuses, okay?" Jake feels a pang of nerves run over him again, unsure of your next move.

"Well, cowboy, are you gonna kiss me or not?" The words barely leave your mouth before he captures your lips with his own.

He tastes just like you remember, sweet yet cool like the peppermint gum he would always chew. His mouth was warm against your own, wet from saliva and the shine of his tears.

It's a sweet and salty kiss, the tang of peppermint accompanied by the mix of salty tears from both of you. It was perfect.

Jake's mouth moves against yours in a practiced rhythm like he never left, his hand moving from grasping your own to moving to your back, dragging you into his lap.

Every movement was needy, grasping hands, clashing teeth. You accidentally bit his lip, his fingers might have gotten stuck in your hair when he pushed your hat off.

Everything about his movements screamed I missed you. I love you. Please tell me you're still mine. Your body was no different- I have always missed you. I loved you while you were gone. I'll always be yours.

Jake's the one to pull away and he whispers against your lips, "Please tell me there wasn't anyone else." You lean in and press a hard peck on his mouth and you mutter back, "It was only ever you, cowboy."

Tag list: @xxdragonwriterxx @tejxswini @mysterystarz @mortedeveles @vs-redemption @kal0psi-a @gin-no-g @starstruckkittensweets @kitacharm @shirari @animated-moon @mitzwinchester @elitparadox @yumeyooa @angels-main @anlian-aishang @notroosterbradshaw

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ericaportfolio · 10 months ago

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Disney's The Gremlins Over the Years

Chapter 1: Gremlins (Part 2)

This is Part 2 to Chapter 1. If you want to read Part 1 first, it's in the link below.

Due to the recent events with Epic Mickey Rebrushed, I thought of making a series of posts dedicated to Disney's infamous characters from the canceled WWII movie The Gremlins. The character designs of these guys have changed many times during the concept art process and over the years. Today, this is a collection of male Gremlin designs. The female Gremlins were called the Fifinellas, which I will get to them in the next post. For those discovering this, in summary, Disney was making WWII movies and shorts for the war effort. They were going to adapt Roald Dahl's first book about these guys, and several things like people getting tired of war movies and figuring out how to make the movie, which was canceled. I'm making these posts for fun and to help give artists ideas for their OCs and fanart. I would post some sample pictures and a minor breakdown in each post. I might miss some because there is so much, so this is just a handful of pictures and photos I collected over the years. We really need to make a Disney Gremlin's Wiki.

Anyways, let's jump into THE FUTURE!

Canceled Live Action/Animated Project (1992): Jumping forward into the future, Jerry Rees, director of The Brave Little Toaster, and Steve Leiva were trying to make a feature based on the original story with live action with animated gremlins like Who Framed Roger Rabbit. The illustrators for the project were Steve Moore and Frans Vischer. Again, GLAD they didn't we didn't get this style of the characters since they're far from the original designs. Here are two samples by Steve Moore.

Return of the Gremlins (2008): When Disney made those terrible DVD sequels, Dark Horse and Disney made a deal to reprint the original book, make merchandise, and release a three-part comic sequel in 2008. The first cartoonist was Dean Yeagle, but he could not finish, so DreamWorks artist Fabio Laguna came in to do the final issue. In this story, Old Pilot Gus's grandson, Young Gus, goes to Old Gus's home in Brittan to handle the property sale. But SURPRISE! It's inhabited by the Gremlins that Old Gus befriended during WWII. Chaos ensues...

Epic Mickey (2010): Now, the moment you've all been waiting for, the game that introduced most of us to Disney’s Gremlins. Here are the variants we remember split into two groups: 3D Gameplay and 2D Cutscenes. Going forward, some of these pictures are from the Epic Mickey Wiki.

3D Gameplay

2D Cutscenes

Epic Mickey Comic (2010): In the 64 page-long graphic novel, the only Gremlin character who appeared in the comic was Gremlin Gus.

Epic Mickey (2012): In the sequel, we get more variants of the Gremlins and a Gremlin Prescott redesign.

3D Gameplay

2D Cutscenes

Epic Mickey Comic (2012): Gremlin Gus was joined by Gremlin Prescott and Gremlin Jamface.

Donald Duck #18 Comic (2015 IDW): This is the crossover we have wanted since the Comic Cover. In a translated European Swedish comic of 'Rue Brittania!', Donald and Fethry get a new assignment: travel back in time to WWII and face the Gremlins to de-gremlin the airfield. Artists: Pencils and Ink by Flemming Andersen and Colors by Digikore Studios.

There's a lot more I could add, but we would be here all day. If this post gets popular enough, I will do more on the side before the game comes out. If there are changes to the Gremlins in the Reboot, I'll make a Part 3. Hope this post is a helpful source for old and new Gremlin and Epic Mickey fans alike!

#disney the gremlins #disney gremlins #epic mickey gremlins #gremlin gus #gremlin jamface #gremlin prescott #epic mickey #epic mickey 2 #fifinella #widget #part 2

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lumine-no-hikari · 6 months ago

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Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #194

I did A WHOLE LOT OF STUFF today. And I wish I could tell you all about it all at the same time simultaneously, but I don't live in a space where that's possible, so I guess I'll have to settle for starting at the beginning.

Actually, no. I'm going to start at the end. And then I'm going to move to the beginning! Here's a doodle I made today!

Please go easy on me; it's been a number of years since last I doodled with multiple media (or at all, really, with any kind of seriousness), and Sharpie isn't exactly the most forgiving medium...

Anyway! Back to the beginning! I cooked a food!!! This is broccoli, pan-fried in butter, with garlic powder, parmesan cheese, and the leftover goat cheese from that time when I made mashed taters when R visited my house!

...And here are a couple of the steak I cooked. Br was visiting, and she said she always wanted to try a tomahawk steak, so I got one and tried to figure out how to cook it!

This was super simple, actually. All you gotta do is stick it on some parchment paper on a cookie sheet, and stick it in the oven at 225 degrees F (or like 107 degrees C) for 30 minutes, take it out, flip it, and then stick it back in for another 30 minutes. Once that's done, you season it however you like on both sides (in this case, my classic mix of salt, pepper, paprika, and garlic powder), and then sear it on a griddle. Sometime while I was cooking, J went out to play laser tag. M wasn't hungry.

I also made bok choy, pan-fried in a little butter and chopped garlic:

You gotta be careful with bok choy; if you cook it for too long, it becomes terribly, horribly bitter.

But! I didn't cook it for too long! And so this is the plate of awesome deliciousness that resulted from all of this:

It all turned out really excellently. Br went back for a second helping of everything! I wish I could have given you a plate of this.

Br boiled water for tea for us, too. I got a new kind of vanilla rose tea that I think might be suitable to include along with your necklace. I got two tins so that I could test one and ensure that it is the same as the one that I am familiar with. It's the same brand, and they say it's the same flavor, it's just that this one comes in a nice tin instead of in a paper box.

The flavors are a little bit different. At first, I was displeased because I didn't expect that. But on further evaluation, I decided that I think I like the new one a little better. But I have to test them side-by-side to know for sure which one, if either, is superior.

Once Br and I were done eating, she suggested that we play a game in which we take turns doodling on a sketchbook page. Br is an amazing artist, and I haven't doodled with any kind of seriousness in a while, so when I was presented with the blank page, I felt pretty daunted. And especially when she reassured me that I could doodle whatever I like, my mind flooded with so many options that I got overwhelmed and didn't know what to pick.

So after a while, I thought, "Well I'm good at doodling eyeballs." Because Br had noted that my facial expression was very interesting as I tried contemplating things during my feelings of overwhelm. J keeps telling me that my eyes get like saucers sometimes, so I imagined that that's what I was doing (my face does things without my knowledge or consent, I guess...). So I decided to draw an eyeball, and before I knew it... well...

Whoops. Hahaha...

This one is done in a combination of mechanical pencil and Sharpie marker; I have a collection of different Sharpie colors because... I don't know why. They're pretty, I guess. I pulled out all the blues and also my metallic silver for it.

Here's a bigger picture of the doodle:

I doodled the eye first. And then I doodled the feather. Br doodled the abstract flowery squiggle in between; isn't it cool???

Here's a close-up of the feather. It's not the best-est, probably. I still kinda like it though:

Br got tired though, so we both decided to take a short nap. I had several very interesting dreams, and when I woke, I felt compelled to draw what I saw. But I am not going to show those images.

Instead, I will show you a couple pictures of the sky I took right before I took a nap with Br:

I'll also show you what I did with the eye doodle after I discovered that Br had brought her Nupastels:

Oh hey! We're back at the beginning of the letter! Hahahaha...

Hey, Sephiroth? Have you ever tried to doodle? If you have, what sorts of things do you like to draw? I tend to like doodling organic things, but some people like to doodle buildings, and some like to do abstract shapes, and others like to do geometric things, or landscapes, or any number of things. So... what would you draw? What sorts of things do you imagine?

Once J got back, he, Br, and I watched the Steven Universe movie, because Br had just gotten through the original animated series, and so the movie is up next. J and I have already seen it. I hope someday you'll get to see it; I think you'd find Spinel extremely relatable for a variety of reasons.

...Please try to get an ending like hers, okay?

youtube

You can find people who will treat you better. Not everyone is like the people who raised you. You can find some of those people who will treat you better, people who want you around, right here at my house. Pop by for a visit if you're ever in the neighborhood, okay? We can make you tasty snacks.

...I guess I'll end this one here. It's getting pretty late, and I wanna go to bed.

I love you. Please stay safe out there, okay? Because I'm gonna write again tomorrow, and you wouldn't wanna miss out on all my weird, delightful shenanigans, right? All the weird, delightful shenanigans that comes with living my version of an ordinary life. All the weird, delightful shenanigans that you can have, too, if you make choices that bring you there.

Your friend, Lumine

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sinning-23 · 2 years ago

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Socket Wrench: Chapt. 3

Sooooo this chapter ended up being kinda lengthy ngl. Im REALLY tryna build that tension between DK and the reader but also make it kinda awkward cause they just met but they can't help but like take jabs and flirt back and forth with each other cause they've gotten a bit comfortable with one another. ANYWHO, enjoy! Maybe 3-4 more chapters after this annnnd then it shall be COMPLETE lol.

ALSO, Chapter 2 found here

ok, I'm done fr. enjoy :D

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Chapter 3: Blow dice, Kiss tires

“So we ambush them at the end of this road?” You question making sure you got all the details right as Peach nods sternly.

The plan was to use the carts to try and get to Bowser before he even knew it and not only save Luigi but the Mushroom and Jungle Kingdoms from being attacked. If he was coming to the Princess he wasn't going to just stop there, he’d take over everything. The next step was to prepare, and quickly. Luckily, the garage wasn't too far, and based on what you’d learned from your last time being there, they could build their carts easily, and you'd be able to finish yours with that kind of tech.

“Let's make moves then.” You hum, leading the way to the garage, DK close behind.

There were a few things that needed to be addressed but you kept your mouth shut, trying not to think about how well this whole plan would play out. Worse comes to worse, you die here or even one of them gets hurt and the plan goes to shit. You sigh heavily, gaining even more of DK’s attention as if he wasn't burning holes into you every time he thought he could catch a glance at you while you walked.

“You look tense,” He begins, following you to your bike once the garage is opened, trying to get you to break your silence.

“I'm kind of freaking out, but it's fine.” You admit, trying to shake your nerves off as you place the tires onto the bike you crafted, the model and color of the rims contrasting nicely with the overall build.

“You're gonna be fine, just stick close to me, and no worries.”He offers, voice raised an octave

“With how you got your shit rocked earlier? I’ll take my chances.” You shoot back jokingly as he laughs sarcastically at the jab.

“Very funny.” He responds, watching you work in awe. You moved so quickly yet so precisely. He had hardly noticed you placing the final details before hopping on and revving it.

“Perfect.” You whisper out, jutting your head for him to come closer.

“Kiss 'em.” You chuckle, motioning towards the tires.

“What? Why?” He laughed back, trying to figure out where you were trying to go with this.

“For luck, it's like blowing dice right?” You question, revving the engine again.

“I need all the luck I can get pretty boy. So how about this, you kiss my tire and I’ll kiss yours. Deal?” You joke, seeing him shake his head as you hop off the bike, a flustered look on his face.

“I'm just messing with you, let me change and I'll be back to help with the rest of the karts.” You gulp, patting DK’s shoulder before heading off.

He shakes his head, making his way to his own kart. Kiss the tires? Weird request but you did ask nicely. Though, he was more reeling over you calling him ‘pretty boy’ more than anything.

—-----

Not much time had passed when you returned, a biking suit matching your motorcycle much like how the Princesses matched her own. Guess great minds thought alike.

“Looks nice, yeah? You should take a picture, it'll last longer.” You hum, catching DK eyeballing you a little bit longer than usual. He smirks at your statement, watching you fix your boots.

You pause for a moment, motioning for him to come closer, which he has absolutely no problem doing. Before he can even process what you were trying to do, your fingers are already adjusting his tie with a soft smile.

“Now we both look nice.” You hum, driving forward and leaving him somewhat slack-jawed

It was about time for you all to leave, the bike and karts aline revving to prepare for the battle ahead. You sigh, rolling your bike next to the Princess as she smiles back at you, happy to have another woman on the team. Girlbossing alone gets exhausting after a bit. You rev your bike and dart out, eager to get to where you needed to as Peach follows next to you.

You hadn’t been able to ride a kart on your own yet, but damn did it feel nice speeding on these foreign roads, the wind blowing your braids back, the ponytail you once had discarded for your usual down look. You were so caught up in your own head you hadn't noticed Peach trying to get your attention.

“So, did they make you duel too?” She jokes, keeping up the conversation. You giggle in response

“Fortunately for me no, I wouldn't have won that fight. DK seems to know what he's doing. I just proved myself by working on the karts. It was fairly simple to understand.” You explain, a prideful look splayed over your features.

“I see. Soooo, that's why you two are on good terms, or maybe?” She side-eyes you, smirking but you quickly shut it down.

“Oh stop! He just showed me around the kingdom and the garage…and we talked.” You explain, reminiscing over the eye contact and light touches. Hell, even the quick interaction from the garage. How stupid was that to ask him to ‘kiss the tires’ jesussssss.

“Wait no! Listen, he's a prince and I'm some random girl from Brooklyn. Besides I mean I'm sure he's got plenty of fans drooling over him. Honestly, I don't know how to feel, he's such a dork.” You giggle, trying not to steal a glance at him and failing. Looks like a quiet conversation with Mario surprisingly.

“Honestly, I wouldn't mind staying here with him. He may seem like a showoff, which is very true but he's a sweetheart under it all. I actually think he wants me to stay too.” You explain, that same hotness crawling up your spine and into your face.

It wasn't long before Mario drove up beside her, also striking up a conversation while you lean back and take his previous place next to DK. The silence seemed to drag on as you both looked at each other simultaneously, only to look away and clear your throat. There's definitely tension here, awkward, flirty, or otherwise and god was it suffocating.

“How's it riding?” He chokes out, trying to cover up his embarrassment.

“Oh, um it's perfect! I’ve never built my own bike before.” You giggle, adjusting the way you were sitting, catching his eyes again.

“I'd hope so, otherwise that kiss was for nothing.” He quips, avoiding your gaze with that stupid boyish grin.

He actually did it for you?

“You…really?” You sigh, heart beating out of your chest as your face feels as if it's gonna melt from how hot it is.

“Yeah, I figured why not. The fact that you suggested it was cute.” He admits, seeing you tuck your bottom lip between your teeth.

“Didn't think you’d take me seriously, I didn't even follow through with the deal.” You hum, finally gaining the courage to look at him

“I know, you can make it up to me later.” He chuckles, the statement laced with something suggestive.

You speed up, seeing the ramp come to an end, DK catching up behind you as you begin following down Rainbow Road. There wasn't much left to cover before you made it to your destination, and anxiety eats away at you. It wasn't hard for DK to tell so he sped up just to catch up to you, wanting to keep you from isolating yourself.

“The crease on your forehead is gonna be permanent if you keep looking like that.” DK jokes, poking the spot as you smile into the touch a bit, pulling away just before he could notice.

“I know, I know. Just nervous.” You admit, a heavy sigh filling the air.

“I get it. A lot has happened to you so far. Like I said, just stay close.” He hums, shooting you a smile you so desperately needed to see.

You giggle a bit, shaking your head.

“Hey, I got a question about that duel earlier.” You add, seeing his interest spike. He loves answering questions you had for him, and it seemed he was comfortable enough to ramble on and on about whatever the next topic led to. And you were happy to listen.

“You have a theme song? That's actually hilarious, but kinda cute.” You joke, as his face seems to flush and he clears his throat.

“I-I didn't think you were paying attention to that.” He admits, trying to avoid your teasing gaze.

“Ohhhh I paid quite a lot of attention to your showing off, saw you flex, kiss your muscles, pop your pecs, and thrust the air back to back…You’re quite the showoff aren't you?” You taunt, a laugh escaping your throat.

He’s cute when he’s embarrassed, hand gripping the wheel for dear life and he looks elsewhere.

“Ohhh don't get shy now. Your fans adored it, and I'll admit, watching you fight was pretty fun. You play dirty though.” You explain, noticing his once embarrassed expression warp into a flirty smile.

“First of all, I'm like, the most UN-SHY person you’ll ever meet. And second, you just admitted to liking the show, so I must be doing something right huh? I bet you liked me playing ‘dirty’ huh?” He bites back, watching you freeze up.

It was your turn to be shy now.

“Y-You… I never said-....shut up and drive boy.” You sputter, trying to hide the fact that you may or may not have exposed yourself. He laughs in response, shaking his head at how you could dish it out but not take it. Despite the moment being nice, something was wrong….If this Bowser was any kind of smart, he would have insight into your plan and come up with some kind of counterattack.

And sure enough, there was a brigade of soldiers from who you could only assume was Bowser. “It's an ambush!” Peach calls as you speed up on your bike, trying to figure out the best strategy.

The rest of the army speeds up as well and war ensues upon the road ahead, shells and banana peels flying from either end, anyone bound to get caught in the crossfire. You dodge a red shell, using one of the other koopas as a projectile, tossing the shell over your shoulder and passing one to the princess.

You managed to get separated from the main group, a gang of 4 hot on your tail as you try to lose them, slamming on your breaks as they speed past and you make a U-Turn, heading back to the group.

The sound of screeching tired and angry shouting fills your ears all before a loud boom shakes the road, making you lose balance off your bike and fall off. The blast was looser than you expected, the wave sending you backward and leaving your ears ringing. The world spins as you try to regain balance, a sense of panic taking over as you hear Peach call for Mario and sure enough falling into the water below, was Mario and DK.

Your feet move on their own, your books padding against the road as you try to dodge debris and dive in after them. DK was almost immediately knocked unconscious by a tire that had fallen, leaving you and Mario to swim after him to pull him back to the surface. You’re

gasping for air, trying to catch your breath as you choke on the salty ocean water.

“Find something to float on!” You cough out, grabbing onto whatever you could while DK chokes out the water he swallowed.

“You saved my life.” He huffs, more surprised that Mario did but grateful you helped as well.

"Yeah well, I won't tell anyone," Mario responds, hoping for a lil camaraderie.

"Good please don't," Gk responds, seeing you snicker and shake your head. The moment was unfortunately cut short as the three of you found yourselves scrambling to get away from an eel that was hellbent on swallowing you whole.

-Meanwhile-

Peach speeds down the remainder of the road to get back to her kingdom. The plan had obviously failed and as far she knew, you Mario, and DK were as good as gone. The Kong army had been captured and scooped away to be held as prisoners by Bowser. There was almost no time to evacuate the kingdom but she was quick and concise in her decision, rushing any of her citizens to safety before preparing to face Bowser alone.

The ground shook and trembled as his floating castle hovered overhead. It was now or never, if she could at least keep him occupied here and keep her subjects safe, she’d fight til the end. She was surrounded now with Toad by her side as she held her weapon defensively.

-at the bottom of the FUCKING ocean-

You're pacing now, trying to see if this eel had an exit. Hell if it wasn't gonna open from the front your best bet was the back, but after walking for so long you figured there was no use. Your head is pounding and your clothes are soaked. It's dark and cold and you're trying to figure out how this whole ordeal would be explained to your dad when you never came home.

You sigh heavily, holding your head in your hands, peeling off the soaked biking jacket, and dropping it beside DK’s busted kart. Pausing for a moment, hearing footsteps approach you and of course, DK decides you look like you need some company.

“How’re you holding up?” He asks, standing beside you as you sigh heavily and shake your head no.

“Why did you dive in after us? You could have gone with the princess to help her-”

“And leave you here to drown? Yeah right. I know it wasn't the smartest but it's like my body moved on its own.” You admit hands clenched at your sides.

“I guess I've grown a lot more attached to you than I thought.” You hum, seeing his eyes soften at your frantic state.

“Attached how?” He presses, hoping you'd be the first to confess the growing feelings in the pit of your stomach just so he could have a chance to confess and make it less awkward.

“I-...I don’t know, I just think we’ve grown closer as friends so far.” The word is bitter on your tongue and damn does your chest ache when his lips press in a line and he nods slowly. Ouch.

“Yeah, yeah totally me too.” He hisses out, rocking back and forth a bit to try and clear the tension.

“…”

“....”

“Any ideas? You huff out, forcing yourself to talk away from the situation despite feeling every bone in your body tell you not to.

Bits of swallowed Rainbow Road illuminate the area as Mario shakes his head, nothing coming to mind. Your hands shake as you pace again, Mario and DK’s eyes following your panicked state.

“Everything was going so well, I shouldn't have let you guys down there and separated from the group I-I could have done something.” You ramble, chest rising and falling quicker with every word you ramble.

“Hey, it's not your fault…IT'S HIS!” DK points, Making the Italian furrow his brows.

An argument was sure to ensue now, insults being thrown back and forth while you contemplate your existence. You tried to devise a plan but nothing was coming to mind. The sound of bickering was getting louder and it sure as hell wasn’t helping your situation.

“At least you’ll die without your father thinking you’re a joke.” DK huffs, looking more defeated than anything.

At the end of the day, he was probably acting how he did because he wanted his father's approval. You knew that feeling too well…Back home the only thing you wanted was for your dad to acknowledge how hard you work. You stopped eventually, realizing that you should be proud of yourself regardless of what he or others think. He settled for the same old 9-5 he hated and you followed your heart and dreams. If anything that was far more commendable.

“My dad thinks I'm a joke too,” Mario confirms, the air thick for a moment as DK breathes heavily going to speak again.

“Yeah well….YOUR DAD'S RIGHT!” He shoots back, making you pinch the bridge of your nose as they continue to bicker back and forth.

“ALRIGHT GIRLS.” You interrupt, scowl present as they take the hint to stop.

Arguing wasn't going to solve anything.

“We all have daddy issues, fantastic. Now can we figure out how to get out of here and prove them wrong?” You question, a brow raised as you look between the two of them.

“There has to be a way out...it's not rocket science.” You chuckle, realization hitting you.

“Wait wait….your kart. Follow me!” You interrupt, booking it to the discharged kart with one lone rocket looking like a glimmering beacon of hope. The three of you share a look.

Let's get this shit.

#donkey kong #seth rogan #super mario #super mario bros #super mario movie #super mario bros movie #donkey kong x reader #x reader #good lord #why did i write this #i know why #its that man seth rogans fault #i don't care he's hot #tension #flirting #mutual pinning?#for the love of god just kiss already #master escapeee plan #rocket science

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foster-the-moths · 1 year ago

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If you don't mind, could you give us a tutorial or brief explanation on how you render hair? /nf

YES!! unfortunately i got. very tired after making this so this is only one hair type :( was gonna go into all the different types of hair textures but. i will just have to do that later. also keep in mind i drew this in like. 7 minutes its just a simple guide to get out the basic steps

^i didn't put music in this so. listen to whatever u want while ur watching this (its 6 minutes 40 seconds). also its slightly sped up this isn't real speed

elaboration of each step under read more:

step 0: look at other hair tutorials/pictures of real hair to figure out how light reflects off of them. then completely disregard that and just make things up (this is the best artistic process trust me i do it every day)

step 1: just get out that basic shape. it doesnt have to be anything fancy,

step 2: just fill it in and adjust the shape as needed

step 3: figure out how the hair moves and flows, which parts go out more (highlights), which parts are closer to the head (shadows/base), etc. i highly recommend just looking at pictures of hair online, or taking pictures of your own hair. for coily/curly hair, you just kind of have to do this for each curl/coil. one thing to keep in mind the highlight is in the middle of the curl/coil and the shadows are on the edges (usually). i'll elaborate more on that once i have an actual video for it

step 4: just make it so the edges of the highlights transition a bit more smoothly into the base color. it just helps for later steps tbh. try not to over do it, don't want to completely get rid of the highlight, just soften it

step 5: add more highlights with thinner brush. this should be where the light would bounce off the hair the MOST. i think i forgot to say in the video uhhh add in some base value too. maybe a few shadows. mostly this step is for highlights tho.

step 6: idk what else to put here sorry. ngl just get silly with it

step 7: it is very important to do one stroke per area in this one. do not lift your pen off the screen/tablet/whatever until the little area youre working on is one smooth transparent shade, then move on to the next. idk if i'm explaining this right hopefully this makes sense.

step 8: complete opposite as step seven. make as many strokes as you feel it needs. not TOO many, just enough to get some texture and then some yk? i recommend making a copy of the layer youre working on before doing this so that if you mess something up you can always go back to square one.

also a lot of these steps apply to pretty much any hair type just. in a completely different shape with completely different rules. which is to say its exactly like this but it actually isn't like this at all. which is why i plan on making other videos some day (hopefully) also look up "hair texture chart" it will help you find the words you need to look up good refs

remember: always get silly with it. the only rule to to make things up and change your mind 400 times. bring a 'fuck it, we ball' mentality to your art program that the haters (your brain) really won't like. practice makes perfect and all that, do NOT expect to get something good first try, sometimes i still struggle with drawing hair in a way that i like and just scrap the whole thing. also i'm not kidding about those real hair reference pictures it helps so so much

hope this helped at least a little bit bc i am not good at explaining things 👍

#foster's art tag #asks #someday i will make refs for how i draw long/med length and straight/curly/coily hair but. todays not that day rip #edit: just realized a bit of text pops up in the middle of step 3 that is. not supposed to be there so i editted it out👍

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sylviegunpla · 6 months ago

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Gunpla: Completed Collection of Minis: Part 4: Gundam SEED

Next is the SEED Figures. These guys will have a lot of cockpit shots because i already finished off most of their models (though a couple of them were back before i was doing water slides, and just using the decal-stickers and dry-rubs that came with most non-ver-ka MGs)

PG Astray Red Frame: Lowe Gule

This was done before i had access to my magnifying binoculars. The panel lining was actually done with gundam panel line marker, over Mr. Super Clear Gloss. This kinda turned out well. However, his "brother" (the pilot figurine) wasn't so lucky: (under the cut)

This one i started panel lining, then messed up and erased, and it wound up not coming off right. So i just didn't bother and went ahead and finished it with a flat coat, no nuln oil for detailing or anything. BTW, the way i captured that backshot gives me an idea for what i could do with suit-less pilots.... but i'll leave that for another day. Anyway, i actually already water slide decaled his suit, so i could take pictures of him in the cockpit!

Oops, got a little carried away there.

moving on...

MG Strike Rouge + Ootori: Cagalli Yula Athha

This was THE first figure i tried nuln oil on. However, it turned out kinda messy, because it was a tutorial my friend was showing me. HOWEVER HOWEVER, i managed to recover it without too much work! I think she looks decent overall.

The pilot figurine was also finished with Nuln Oil, but after i knew what i was doing. I think she turned out a bit better.

Next, we're gonna go behind the scenes and see some of the movie magic i use to make it seem like these guys are in fully constructed models (I already tricked you with the post about the Hi-nu!)

Some basic shots showing the cockpit hatch structure.

And now you can't tell again that it's not complete!

The hatch is now closed. We move onto another pink gundam:

MG Infinite Justice: Athrun Zala

I finished him with only a little bit of panel liner, down the middle of his chest, and nuln oil on the face. A little blobby/messy but still achieves a decent effect from afar.

Here's the pilot figurine. No backshot because i pretty much left his back unfinished. You have to constantly change the thing holding the figure in order to paint certain sections and i was getting tired of trying to do the back.

His cockpit operates very simply, so i only have a few shots:

Yup, there he is. He's actually mostly fully built because i had to detach him from the sick ass plane he normally hangs from. Yes, the mecha suit i mean hangs from a plane. It's so sick, i'll have pictures in another post dedicates to this kit.

BONUS: So, for a while, i had this figurine that i THOUGHT was the pilot figurine for this kit. But then one day i opened up the cockpit hatch and saw the figurine. So who is this guy? what kit does he come from? I'm not even sure if it comes from a PG (1/60) or an MG (1/100), it seems closer in size to the PGs though. You can see i attempted to start painting it in Athrun Zala colors. I actually finished it but it looked so weird trying to force the sculpt to match the image. My friend thinks the sculpt looks like it could be a specific pilot outfit that Kira Yamato wears. It's equally likely it might be a Mu from a PG Sky Grasper. Can anyone positively identify the kit this figurine comes from? The few possibilities we think it might be are kits my friend used to have, but lost due to Moving Shenanigans. so we cannot confirm that those kits are missing pilots. ANyway, moving on, to the final figures:

2x RG Strike Freedom: Kira Yamato

Why do i have two of these guys? Because i have two of the kits! The Strike Freedom was the first RG I assembled, in 2020. In 2021, i got P-Bandai's "Titanium Finish" release of the exact same kit. Thus, i had two Kira Yamatos to paint. These both were painted in my first run of minis in Fall 2023, and they are the last of such minis to be shown off here! I did not panel line them, hell you can tell that getting the stripes on their tiny pilot suits was hard enough. They're very messy and have bad color separation. Honestly, i might try redoing one of them now that i have magnifying goggles. It would be worth it. And as a reminder, since these came with an RG, they are 1/144 scale, so a bit tinier than most of the others i've shown off (which are 1/60 or 1/100).

I believe that does it for Part 4. I just barely had enough image slots for all these pictures, but sadly not enough for some "gags" i wanted to do. there would have been 3 more images in the set of 6 pictures of Lowe Gule boarding the Astray Red Frame, but i had to cut them for extra space. To read part 5, Click This Link!

#gundam #gunpla #plamo #bandai #gundam seed #kira yamato #cagalli yula athha #athrun zala #lowe gule #astray red frame #infinite justice #strike rouge #MG #master grade #RG #Real grade #PG #perfect grade #mini painting

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fantasyinvader · 1 year ago

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I was planning on following up on my post from last night, examining how Edelgard's end card combines the Devil tarot, Baphomet and Napoleon to fully display what her character is after: namely rather than people coming to her of their own free will and becoming more like her as the devil tarot depicts, instead it's pointing to her using violence to force people to be like her. The fact there's an angel while Edelgard is holding a reversed version of the Hand of Justice, a symbol of God's blessing instwad imitating Baphomet while the angel has a different coloration than the one in Silver Snow's ending, makes it out that while Edelgard might be demonically themed she's making herself out to be divine. The fact Napoleon's pose was based on a lost statue of Zeus only furthers the idea of her having a god complex. It all screams the route was a path of conquest, from her stomping on the flags to the twin-headed eagle in the background.

And I don't think that Eagle is meant to be a jianjian. A jian is a bird where the males have one wing and eye on one side, the females on the other. It's supposed to be them being a pair, incomplete without their true love and with them able to fly. The problem is that we see that the Eagles have their wing on one side and a visible eye on the other. That's not a jianjian, that's just an ancient symbol for Empire. If that were a jianjian, it would only be able to see what was right in front of it, missing everything that goes on around it…which would be fitting for Flower, I admit. But it doesn't work as a symbol of love, which fits considering the route's intended name, Safflower, merely means attraction which was built upon in Hopes with Edelgard being instinctively drawn to Byleth being chalked up to their Crests (plus it also says you're trying to ensnare either a partner or good luck, calling to mind the devs wanting to "trick" players somehow and how they made Flower easier to access when test players couldn't). Plus the Devil Tarot would suggest going down the path would be Byleth giving into not just their attachment to Edelgard, but linking it with lust as well (as commentary on horny otaku perhaps?).

The combination of demonic imagery and an empire does suggest she's an AntiChrist figure, especially considering she's bearing a weapon marked with a Crest known as "The Beast" and persecutes the faithful of Fodlan. This lines up with Nemesis, having been said to persecute the people which pushed them to follow his example by killing and stealing in order to acquire power for themselves. The fact the antichrist was originally an emperor who persecuted early Christians, believed to be Nero, and the title was been used to describe Napoleon at the time works as well. The fact that the word nemesis can mean adversary, and Satan means The Adversary, could be at play here to. Not to mention the Agarthans and their war against the Goddess. It gives the impression that Edelgard is returning to the ways of Nemesis, who she believes is a champion of humanity but was also used by the Agarthans (with the evidence pointing to them presenting themselves as gods or at least holy). Combine this with the different colored angel in the picture, it could symbolize the Agarthans making Edelgard into the ruler of Fodlan in contrast to the more blueish angel championing Byleth.

So…yeah. Lot's of symbolism going on in that picture and all of it ties together to paint a darker image. I was planning on going over this in more depth, but it's been a hell of a day and I'm tired. I was also planning on talking about Martian Successor Nadesico and how it uses death of the author, but I'll leave that for tomorrow.

Conversely, I noticed on the Silver Snow ending the wheels of the cart Byleth is on have eight spokes, a symbol of the noble eightfold path that leads to enlightenment (which Byleth maintains in Snow).

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hazbean-hotel-imagines · 1 year ago

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Okay okay, its been a while since I requested a matchup so sorry if i forget something! I dont mind both helluva and hazbin, i like both <3

Online I go by Dead or just D, I am not comfortable with my irl name and am still trying to figure it out

My pronouns are they/she, I'm still trying to find the right label for what I'm into though. I like everybody to sum it up tho!

I'm an INFP-t

I really like cats (I've got six), the colors blue and black, skeletons, cards/dice (i have some cool jewelry with card symbols n stuff) drawing, reading/writing and watching cartoons.

I've got diagnosed with ADD/ADHD though I'm more tired than hyper, but if you get me talking about something im interested in I could talk your ear off

I try really hard to be consious of how other people feel so I tend to back up if I can tell someone isn't enjoying the conversation/what we're doing. I also really try hard to include others in what I'm currently blabbing about by asking them questions 'cause I know what it's like to not have a say in a convo.

In terms of my appearence, I'm afab, and I'm sadly well endowed, it causes me some back issues. But on the bright side they make good pillows for friends!!

I've got short blonde hair that i dye black and i tend to wear loose clothes that are a few sizes too big. I usually tend to wear all black non gendered clothes (I'm goth) and if i feel like getting dolled up I'll wear a dress and accessories!

I need glasses cause my long distance sight is shit 💀💀💀

In terms of humor? I like making dirty jokes or dark jokes. Like, my fave dark joke is "my grandfather told me i was too reliant on technology. So i called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support"

But yeah!! Thanks for taking the time to read this <3

Matchup

I pair you with…

~ Hi Dead! Omg so I had these done two days ago, then I looked up what a charcuterie board was out of curiosity… bro it was completely finished, I didn’t save it as a draft, and lost my progress because I. Wanted to look. At pictures of charcuterie boards. Anyway I like charcuterie boards 🤭

~ Okay! So Blitzo was first that came to mind when I read about you. Firstly, y’all give off the extrovert adopts introvert trope. Except, it’s more like vague kidnapping than adopting. One meeting and you’re friends for life, no exceptions.

~ Blitzo’s favourite quality in a partner is someone who enjoys his sense of humour. This is a little bit because of his past in the circus. He not only loved that you understand and laugh at his jokes, but when you add on to them!

~He’s awful at communicating. The way you listen and genuinely show an effort in gaging his mood and engagement really means a lot to him, he notices. Blitzo works really well with someone who is patient and good at communication, because he’s lacking in that department, and you help him learn.

I pair you with…

~ This is another extrovert adopts introvert, but much less extreme. Asmodeus is interested in you, and he finds excuses and ways to see you again. If he notices the same interest is reciprocated, he’ll slowly integrate himself into your life and become a constant.

~ Loves listening to people talk. Will let you talk his ear off about your interests, and will never lose focus. Is completely invested from start to finish. Will literally sit there smiling with his heads in his hands kicking his feet.

~ Additionally, he digs that you’re so attentive in conversations. Asmodeus has a tendency to let himself become a listener when he’s in romantic relationships, mostly because he just genuinely enjoys listening to his partners speak and is such an invested listener. It’s a welcome change of pace that you’re constantly ensuring it’s a back and forth conversation, and how conscious you are of his feelings and attention. He reciprocates these efforts tenfold.

~ Super domestic. Will watch cartoons with you in a blanket pile on the couch for hours. Favourite thing is to make unique charcuterie boards and start a show together. This prompted me to go and look at pictures of fucking cheese last time.

~ Can be content with just admiring you while you draw.

~ Loves your sense of humour. Especially loves when he says something dirty to flirt, and you clap back with something super dark. It always catches him off guard, and it takes a lot to leave him speechless. He adores it.

I pair you with…

~ Loves your aesthetic.

~ “Omg I have a goth partner” type beat.

~ Unsure the trope of you guys meeting, but I had ideas for your relationship dynamic. Cherri uses you to recharge her social battery. After a long day, all she wants to do is come home to you and just rest. She’ll definitely text often throughout the day, but when she comes home she always beelines to the couch to make a next of pillows and blankets so you can watch cartoons together.

~ The ultimate cat sitter. Immediately once she hears you have cats she’s at your place. Is she with you for you or the cats? No one knows. It’s you. Don’t be surprised if you come home one day, and she’s just… there, with your cats.

~ If she finds cool jewelry that reminds her of you she’ll send you a selfie holding it next to her head, with a “?” text following to see if you want it. Sometimes it’ll be from cool little shops, but sometimes you can see the wreckage of a turf war in the background and you know she’s just looting people.

~ You both have the same sense of humour, it’s like you guys mesh so well. I imagine conversations between you go so well, you’re super excitable and somehow always find something to talk about. Every day is exciting.

Alternate pairing…

Charlie

#hazbin hotel #hazbin #fandom #hazbin hotel cherri bomb #hazbin hotel matchup #hazbin cherri bomb #helluva boss #helluva boss pairing #hb asmodeus #helluva boss asmodeus #hb blitzo #helluva boss blitz #helluva boss blitzo #d #dead #dead anon

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glittergutts · 2 years ago

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I've been having a stressful morning. And I need to process my thoughts about preparing for treatment.

First we couldn't figure out the money to get all the stuff I need to take to treatment and I had a cry about feeling like I shouldn't even go. I didn't know all my vitamins and supplements had to be unopened until the other day and it cost a lot to buy all at once.

Figured it out with the last of our available credit and my supplements and stuff should be here tomorrow and Sunday just in time for me to leave Monday morning.

Loki is extra whiney today. Like he won't chill out and I want to yell because I do not understand what he wants. I wish he would lay down and let me rub him when I'm sad. He refuses to be comforting.

My anxiety started getting really bad when I was on the phone with my mom and she was slamming me with question after question. She's always like that but today I couldn't handle it. She's asking things I can't answer and reminding me how out of control even my best plan is.

So after awhile I took the anxiety pill and convinced myself to get out of bed. I found some pretzels that looked pretty plain and a Gatorade and even though I barely had any of either I feel uncomfortably full. I think all the days of skipping food has started to really hurt my body.

I got the okay to bring ensure drinks to treatment but I'm not even sure if I like them I just have to have the calories in a drink (because i cant fucking eat 360 calories at once) so I can take my latuda and I normally drink a Chai protein thing at home. I'm going to ask Chris to bring home a few flavors I can try so I can figure out which type to buy.

The food at treatment is close to nothing. They do cook dinners but it's always meat or something I don't eat so I have to fend for myself the whole stay. Once I lived off orange cups and plain Oatmeal for 12 days. I was so happy to eat again when I discharged.

I hope it's better this time I wish I was allowed to just bring my own food but I understand why they don't allow that.

I need to wash all my laundry today so I can figure out what clothes I'm bringing and get my bag ready. I'm waiting on a night gown from Amazon. I don't want to sleep in a big tee shirt there like I do at home because it doesn't feel safe and private to be pantsless. I bought a nice pair of sleep shorts when I went a few years ago and I'm going to bring those again and I think having 2 sleep outfits should be fine as long a I don't have sweat nightmares. They have laundry there if I do need to wash anything.

Also because of covid the rooms aren't shared anymore so I have the privacy to use the bathroom or change or sleep in my room whenever I want to. Hell I can take a shower at 3 am and nobody would stop me. Although I'll be trying to sleep and behave like the functional person I want to be. It's just a relieving idea to have some space and freedom.

I'm desperately hoping having the time to focus on my needs and health will let me leave a little better of a person or at be able to take better care of myself and family. I'm tired of letting myself down.

I found some nice skincare things in mini containers I can bring with that will make shower time a little more enjoyable. I have some fidget toys in a bag and some art supplies with a folder that has paper and coloring sheets inside. I'm going to bring my comfort pillow and my favorite squishmallow plushies. I just need to take a few pictures of my family and I feel like I tried my best to bring comfort with me. I got to order aromatherapy balm sticks because I can't have essential oils and I don't see why I couldn't have these so I feel good about my supply of comfort things.

I used to take so much klonapins and do normal stuff like safely drive my car but I feel heavily medicated this time like I need to lay down. At least I'm not having a panic attack and I had some food.

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koolades-thoughts · 2 months ago

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it's oc time

ok like i promised (threated /j lol) i am here to talk all about my silliest ocs (my silly solenne) i'd intended to do my mc too but got tired lol. she will get her own post

first, meet solenne and her familiar, a crow named vidal. it took me a while to decide on names. solenne means sunlight, and vidal means life! both are names with spanish origins which i loved, and they also have synonymous meanings! their more casual names are cinnamon and i'm scared lol

now, important to know. there are two versions of solenne. the first version is the normal iteration of her. just a cute gal with a silly backstory that i will get into, and the spellbound secrets version of her. if you read my story spellbound secrets don't keep reading unless you don't care lol.

first! normal version. she started out as just a witch, but after a potion mishap, she gets demon features (horns and a tail) and moves to hell/the devildom. vidal started off as a normal crow that liked to hang out, but he drank some of the spilled potion that transformed her, and changed him. solenne is still trying to figure out the extent of what it did to him, but the only major thing she's been able to learn is that his life span was greatly extended like her own.

ok so, normal version obey me lore. solenne and solomon are close friends. two immortal yet silly magic wielders? come on it's asking to be written. i also like to think initially vidal was one of mammon's crows that he'd sent to keep an eye on her because he had a crush on her! vidal's loyalty and love for her stems from mammon's feelings about her. she was the first witch not to extort and blackmail him. when she was just a normal witch, she was nice to him and it was history from there. after the accident, he stopped hearing from the crow, so he came to check up on them. he learned about her situation, and helped her make the move to the devildom. may have to write some solenne and mammon content

alright these are the spellbound spoilers upcoming. this version was tailored specifically for my fanfic. i won't say too much regarding the story though if you're still interested. so, she started as just a normal witch. when she meets solomon, she's in need of a new mentor, so he takes her under his wing. eventually, they started dating, and even though it put a target on her back, she was happy. when solomon starts acting squirrelly, she thinks he's going to propose, so she makes a potion she knows he'll like the night he says he wants to talk about something important. he tells her he wants to break up because she's mortal and he's not, and he has lost someone he loves too many times to see it happen again. she tries to beg him to stay and that they can work through it, but solomon refuses. when she keeps begging, he accidently sends a wave of magic her way, imbuing the potion with his magic and spilling it all over her at the same time. her transformation happens over time. vidal happened to drink the spilled potion, leading to their friendship. eventually, she moves to the devildom in an attempt to start fresh and grow acclimated to her new life. so far, that's most of what i have and the rest would be getting into spoiler territory

besides the pictures i'm going to attach, i'm also going to talk a little about what she looks like since i can't draw. before her transformation, she had black hair. After her transformation, she got horns, a tail with a heart at the end, and she became a blonde lol. i am not an artist so keep this in mind, but i drew my vision of her horns.

These aren’t up to date anymore, but see here for an older version of her plus what I based solenne off of

general fun facts about her!

vidal likes to sit in her hat when she's not wearing it

despite all of the heart motifs in her tail and horns, stars are actually her favorite shape, hence her hat, which was a gift from her late master

loves incense, specifically jasmine and gardenia

pink is her favorite color!

i'll probably talk more about her later but i'm super tired right now. who knew oc info dumping was this hard of work

#my oc: solenne #obey me

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frogsandfries · 6 months ago

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I really hit the ground running this morning: I guess we should've tried earlier, but as a last ditch effort, I put the dying sapling apple trees and plum tree out on the lawn. I figured, there were some plants my sister left for dead outside and they're thriving. Perhaps we could accomplish a bit of a repeat performance. If not, we'll just have to get some apple trees next spring and plant them immediately.

The soil here is really clay-y. I'm not sure if it's from all the rain. I've touched a lot of Wisconsin dirt, and this is the most clay-like. But it's also rained the most this year that it has for a long, long time.

I have to mow the lawn over the next few days. My sister bought the push mower for her pleasure, now it gets to be my torture until her leg heals up enough.

I bought some carbon transfer paper. I decided, instead of trying to risk printing on my colored pencil paper, I'll try printing on my shitty printer paper, and transfer it. This better be worth it for all this effort.

I don't know if I mentioned, but yesterday, my sister insisted that we go to the farmer's market. By the time we got there, it was already at peak traffic, but it had been such a struggle for her to get the block or so up the hill, so I got the blueberries she wanted. They are in the freezer for now. I'm reserving my dance-card-for-chores for mowing the lawn this week. It's an absolute monster of a lawn, and I have to use the push mower.

Anyway, while they were there, there was this LGBT person with stickers and a table. My dad got info on where to get a trans flag in town, so we went over there. I grabbed a graphic novel, sent a picture of one of the sections to a friend who I thought would vibe with it. I think there were like some local/homebrew/zine games there.

We got Sonic! It was, okay, don't judge me, it was kind of grounding to have some of their pretzels. Living in Wisconsin again has been hard for my brain to accept.

Anyway, dad brought the rabbits downstairs.

They brought themselves upstairs. I didn't fucking know rabbits could fucking climb stairs. So I brought them downstairs and swept aaaaaaallllllllllllllllll their shit from just the one room they shat'd in. Sooooo muuuuuucccchhh shit. Might as well get a horse instead.

Today has mostly just been for relaxing and recharging, so I've been hanging out downstairs with my sister, except the part where she took a nap, so I went to chill with my tablet on my bed, rolled over and it was six in the evening.

I might have to start consuming caffeine again. My sister being out of commission at the moment is really forcing me to face all my limitations head-on. I simply cannot do this job full-time, on the schedule I'm on, and do everything else. This house is absolutely gargantuan. Two floors. The kitchen is basically two rooms. There's a dining room, basically three living rooms. Two bathrooms, one on each floor. A master bedroom that's two rooms with a door between, a laundry room, an extra bedroom I'm using for my office right now, and my room.

We're having cleaners come tomorrow, thank gaawwwddddd. It'll be such a relief to have a clean slate. It's such a tragedy that I really have to go to work tomorrow already. Whenever my sister goes on her vacation, I am taking PTO and not-P-TO. I desperately need to find a new job. I'm keeping this job by getting mildly high most shifts and doing some creative project while I'm at work and it is not healthy.

Anyway, I have a ton of media I want to add to my personal library: Steven Universe, Star Trek, Wolf Children and Magus Bride. I want to finish collecting Saga. And I want to finish collecting my own graphic novel.

I'm just so fucking tired.

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cherokeegal1975 · 1 year ago

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The Grey, WIP: 7/7/23

Well, I wish I had realized yesterday that by painting the base coats of the wings and then just fading out the references over the top of them, I could have saved myself some time and trouble. Now all I have to do is erase around the white wing and it'll be mostly done...save for some highlights I might want to put in.

This was a single image, then a doubled one because my graphics program has a tendency to merge all layers prematurely once in a while. A glitch that I'm not at happy about. I was just able to remove the bulk of the reference picture today. Look so much better without it there.

I was going to do a half gold and half silver halo, but with all that black and white, there's need for more splashes of color. So, the halo will be solid gold and have red jewels set into it. The flames will also add some color as well as the lady's skin. A nice brown. Her hair will be black.

References for the bits I need to see are still there, just invisible at the moment. Except for the frame design. I'm doing my best to eliminate anything I copied from online as fast as possible. Except for the wings of course. I need those.

I will lighten the hue of the cloak; I usually start dark and work lighter then darker again in spots as I go along. I even have brushes that will do fabric textures. I think I might try that. In spite of the need for more color, I still insist that the cloak be grey. Maybe I can add some patterning or something. I'll think about it.

Anyway, I never meant this drawing to look like a playing card. In fact, the main elements of the drawing just showed up randomly in my head when I wasn't really thinking of anything particular. But I liked what I saw, so I'm drawing it.

Yes, I know I'm cheating a lot. This is because sometimes I have trouble translating what's in my mind onto canvas. I can draw the human figure but haven't had a lot of practice at it. Nor do I have a lot of practice drawing clothing. It was just easier to find what I needed online to help me out this time. I don't know who all the artists are who put out all these free resources for me to use. Though angelic figures are common, I can say with confidence that this idea is uniquely mine. Just for the fun of it I did a general search image for a moment and found lots of angels, but nothing exactly like mine. So, there's that.

I can and to draw freehand. I'd do it more often than I have been lately if I had more time. My time off is sporadic at best/worst. Given the choice, I'd spend more time doing everything in my head. Taking a few hours a day just to draw. I can do a solid three hour session of drawing before my brain gets tired and I have to take a break. I rarely get that time lately.

Ugh. This is devolving into a bitch session. I won't do that here. Anyway, when this is completed, people who are into games like Dungeons and Dragons or similar games may use this character as part of your game. Just ask me first because I want to know about it. Give me credit for the design. No, you may not sell it. I need the profits far worse than you do.

I came to think of The Grey as a kind of judge for contests and legal issues...and maybe other things. She knows there's more than one facet to every story, there isn't just pure evil and pure good. There's always those shades of grey. And she's an excellent and fair judge. A living personification of justice and a powerful force for the good side. My mind had to work on this for a while as I drew her "card." Because originally, she had no story, no meaning. I'm still inviting people to have an open interpretation of her character however.

I can also see this as a big poster over someone's bed simply because it looks cool. It would be a nice decoration, especially if it turns out as nice as I want it to.

I'd appreciate it if no one used my idea until it was completed. I might make some changes along the way that I won't know about until I get there. Not that I think anyone will really. Every offer of free resources I put out gets ignored. I don't know why.

I will also post this on Redbubble when it's done and send a link. I can't seem to completely let my optimism go even though I'm aware that no one wants to buy my artwork. I don't know why.

#cherokeegal1975 #digital art #wip #work in progreess #original character #original D&D character #free resouce

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emperor-starscream · 2 years ago

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SLAYYY I haven't posted anything at all in awhile SO! I'm gonna info dump about Starscream and my personal like story for him that I have planned out

This is more like a mixture of different concepts and continuities of Starscream and how I personally see him!!!

If you have any other questions about my Starscream my ask box is open :D

TW: after the pictures there WILL be mentions of @bus3 so if you don't wanna know about his like backstory and stuff like that please don't read that section!

First up, his full appearance! Yes it may seem a bit wonky how I colored it BUT it was all intentional, I'll explain in a second why I gave him the different colored optics BUT. his shoulder pad thingies are a reference to coronation Starscream where he has the purple shoulder pads. Originally I was going to make the pads PURPLE but I changed on that idea since it would add too many colors to Starscream's already colorful appearance.

I gave him a heart on his little forehead thingy because I thought It would be cool if that could represent the Decepticon logo type deal

I mixed IDW TAAO Starscream with a tiny bit of armada screamer, again, I thought it'd be cool. His hands are also build like TFP Starscream's, he's got CLAWS

At first they were like simple little kitty paws but then they EVOLVED and so now he's got that TFP drip

IM ALSO GOING TO EXPLAIN HIS EYES, his eyes are like that cause 1 I thought they were cool and 2 in some IDW comics I saw that he had yellow eyes kind of like some versions of Optimus or Soundwave, I thought it'd be cool to make a yellow/gold eye type deal and then the other eye red because it's also cool and 3 I'm indecisive.

Next up is Starscream facts before I go on to explain his short backstory

So like he is trans FTM, I have an unfinished design for that aswell

He's a lot more empathetic than usual screamers

Kinda like armada Starscream where he was friends with Alexis

He is polyamorous :)

And also has anger issues he's trying to work on

After the war he also became emperor because I love that he rules over a planet

He still sucks at it and makes horrible decisions, he's still selfish and shit like that lol

Starscream has a link to his trine(skywarp and Thundercracker) through his spark which is swaggy

So again TW for @bus3 and stuff like that. Nothing sexual though /srs

Megatron had convinced Starscream to join the Decepticons because Starscream was leader of the air command on Cybertron, who also studied Science and a bit of history. And also star joined the cons because he was tired of being treated like he was just some tool. Megatron was like a father figure to Starscream at first. After some time Starscream started realizing how many holes Megatron's leadership, Starscream's respect for the bot started fading as he started snapping and acting more arrogant n shi towards Megatron which lead to Megatron beating the spark out of Starscream more and more often, leaving him absolutely BEAT UP and so like it started becoming worse, Megatron started mentally manipulating his second in command, emotionally aswell, this lead Starscream to fear Megatron, to the point that Starscream having his negative thoughts like anxiety etc basically calling those thoughts "Megatron's voice". When Megatron almost died Starscream still brought Megatron to safety.

So Starscream kept being loyal to Megatron, slowly planning his downfall, Megatron knew about this, knowing Starscream isn't trustworthy. Then other Decepticons like shockwave and Soundwave would degrade him or make fun of him aswell. This made Starscream have cool little trust issues. When Starscream reunited with Jetfire he was finally relieved at the fact someone didn't treat him like literal trash- BUT! since all of Starscream's trauma he was kind of aggressive towards Jetfire, which resulted in Jetfire leaving to join the Autobots which made Starscream have abandonment issues aswell.

It's all janky and shit but if you have any questions I'm happy to answer :D

#fanart #digital art #starscream #starscream fanart #transformers #art #jetfire #idw transformers #g1 starscream #transformers g1

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dont-call-me-baby-posts · 3 years ago

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Blacking Out and Breaking Hearts - Chapter 27

Blacking Out and Breaking Hearts - Masterlist

Word Count: 8ish k

Warnings: OKAY YALL LISTEN. THIS CHAPTER TALKS MORE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED W CHRISTIAN AND IT GETS KIND OF HEAVY SO PLEASE SKIP THIS ONE IF THAT IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU. THE NEXT ONE WILL BE OUT TOMORROW, SO PLEASE HOLD OFF IF YOU'RE NOT COMFORTABLE READING ABOUT THAT.

Summary: You are a successful musician, trying to navigate the world of stardom along with your complicated feelings for your best friend, Harry.

Alternatively: The one with the flashbacks.

A/N: Hey besties. The plan is to have a few back to back chapters the next few days as long as everything goes to plan. As always- please lmk what you think. xx

Song Inspo for this chapter:

Last First Kiss by One Direction

I'll Still Have Me by Cyn.

Chapter 27

I broke my back 'cause

I knew you would too.

I'd run in circles-

I know you did too.

Maybe in another life,

Everything worked out alright

And things that made this harder passed us by.

But there's no bad dream to wake up from,

Know I got it bad when it's the morning

And you're all that's on my mind

If I don't have you,

At least I'll still have me.

And if I don't have you…

At least I'll still have me.

I never thought twice

'Cause you were my number one

I put you first 'cause

You were my only thought

No more calling out my name,

No more whispers at the party,

Now my secrets only stay with me.

Everybody knows I'm upset.

They don't even have to ask it.

They know I believed in us last week.

There's no reason to speak badly,

We just reached our end.

I will see you in parts of me,

In who I was back then.

If I don't have you,

At least I'll still have me.

And if I don't have you…

At least I'll still have me, me, me.

///

Tail end of August, 2018.

A little over One Year Ago.

Rose-colored glasses didn’t even begin to cover it.

“When do I get to see you again?” Harry asked through the phone. Your cheeks lit up hot pink, the question illuminating the space around you so that every detail was seared into your memory. (More than a year later you would remember this moment down to the last blade of perfectly trimmed grass). You sat on Bethany’s back porch and you were homesick and scared and more than anything, tired. You were in LA, a city that had no charm to you and was too big and too noisy. You had two entire weeks off of tour, which meant that you were free from the shackles of that painstaking routine just long enough to catch up on sleep before jumping right back in.

Bethany had you stay with her this time around, deciding it would make more sense than staying in a hotel. You weren’t opposed, swearing to everyone that by this time next year you would have your own house in the City of Angels (which meant you had to save some money). So, a free place to crash wasn’t something you considered passing up.

An entire month had gone by since you’d first met Harry, and he was so much better than they said.

After your lunch out with him, you figured you might never hear from him again. And that was fine. You saved the paparazzi pictures of you together on your phone, your own private reminder that he was real and it happened and that was you under his arm. You were a hypocrite in that way, always hating having your privacy invaded like that but unable to stop yourself from scrolling through the photos in the back of your tour bus for days after you’d left LA. You looked short next to him. There was one photo, Harry leaning down into your ear, and you knew what he was whispering and no one else in the entire world did. No one. There wasn’t another soul on Earth who could look at that picture and know what was happening. It was something between the two of you, something small and inconsequential but also life-altering and special and private. It was yours. He probably didn’t even remember what he’d said. But you did. You set the picture as your home screen on your phone.

Harry texted you here or there, asking you about your day or what you were doing or if you were resting enough between performances. He texted you knock knock jokes. He sent you screenshots of memes he saw that he said reminded him of you. Eventually the texts turned into phone calls, and the phone calls into long and pointless conversations. Which brought you back here, to this moment.

“When do I get to see you again?”

“When are you free?” You responded.

And so it began. And before you could even notice it happening, all of the infatuation and anonymous longing you’d felt for him faded away into something you’d never be able to shake. You were head over heels, his words and his face and the memory of his hands on your arm sticking to you everywhere like tree sap, clinging to your skin no matter how hard you tried to wash it away. You were caught in his web, unable to think of anything or anyone else. You knew even then that nothing would ever be the same for you.

So, no. Rose-colored glasses didn’t even begin to cover it.

///

September, 2018

“You know, there’s something about you.”

You turned to face Harry next to you from the passenger’s side, unsticking your thighs from the seat. You smiled, the same shy, stupid smile you always did when you were with him. He looked away from the road for a minute, long enough to throw you a crooked grin. He was dazzling. The sun shone on him the way it only ever did in September, making his hair shine amber and caramel and bronze.

“What do you mean?” You asked, looking away so that you could force the smile off your face. You watched the white lines painted on the road move past you both. Harry spoke to you like everything he said was a secret, like he was confiding in you the things that no one else would ever know. Only you, and him, and the hills that waved alongside you. You were driving away from the sunset with no particular destination in mind, racing the sun as it was falling.

“Dunno.” He said. He couldn’t explain any further than that. “There’s just something about you. It feels different being around you.”

“Different in a good way?”

“A really good way.”

You pressed your forehead against the window. The glass wasn’t cool, instead warming your skin as what was left of the sun bored through it.

“You know how sometimes it just feels…” Harry paused, itching the tip of his nose. “Sometimes it just feels like you’re not even yourself. It’s like I don’t even know who I am sometimes.”

“I know what you mean.” You answered.

You felt yourself tense. You and Harry had grown close since you’d met not too long ago, but you weren’t sure what to do in moments like this. Moments where he spoke seriously to you about the things that were on his mind. It made you want to open up to him, too, but you couldn't bring yourself to. You were afraid that once you did you would scare him away and you'd never see him again. And you couldn't imagine a world that didn't have him in it.

But it felt good to be that person he confided in, and you wondered if he ever had these conversations with anyone else. Did he save all those things that kept him up at night for your ears only? He smiled, noticing your discomfort.

“Sorry.” He said, chuckling to himself. His knuckles turned white, his hands tightening around the leather of the steering wheel. “I just mean that it doesn’t feel like that with you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nothin’.”

“What did you say?”

“I just like how it feels with you.”

You couldn’t help the goofy laugh this time, coming out to take up all the space in the small car around you. You chanced a glance in his direction, Harry’s eyes still trained on the road ahead of him but a shy smile visible in his profile.

“Was that weird to say?” He asked. You opened your mouth to speak, to tell him no, no, no. It wasn’t weird. You wanted to hear him say it again to you. You wanted it in writing. You wanted him to say it again and again until the words started to sound funny. You could only giggle, still not used to the way it felt to be in his presence. Everything was a daydream. The sunset around you painted everything light pink. It was a rose-tinted evening.

Harry laughed along with you, scoffing at you for your lack of response. “Forget I said it!” He squeaked. You both only laughed harder.

“No!” You were able to shout out eventually, wiping the tears out of the corner of your eyes. “No. It wasn’t weird. I feel the same way.”

“You always laugh when you’re nervous.” Harry pointed out.

“Sorry.”

“No, I like it.”

Harry’s hand reached over, tucking the hair tickling your cheek behind your ear.

///

Early December, 2018

One Year Ago

You and Harry had tucked yourself away upstairs like an old box of hand-me-down clothes. You stayed there so long that you forgot there were even other people in the house, the noises of the party below you not nearly enough of a distraction to tear your attention away from the way Harry looked tonight.

You were so in love with him.

You were infatuated and silly and soft for him and all of the other things that you never wanted to be for a man. You tried not to be, but it was impossible. Especially when he looked at you the way he was right now, like you were the only person alive that he had any interest in talking to.

You hadn’t seen Harry in a month or two, strictly because of a conflict of your busy schedules, and you had been literally counting down the days for this moment right here for weeks now. It was better than you dreamed, seeing him again. (And you had dreamt about it). Being in the same room as him somehow made you feel peaceful and nervous and dizzy and calm and everything else all at one time. It was overwhelming in the best possible way. Seeing him now made your fingers tremble when you tried to pluck at the guitar he’d set in your lap.

“It’s not much yet, but I feel pretty good about it so far.” You told him, cheeks burning with all the adoration and embarrassment like that of some giddy school-girl crush. He was laid out on his stomach, head propped up on his hands. He just nodded, giving you a reassuring smile the way he always did. You didn’t want to play anything for him, let alone sing, but he had insisted on it. “You have such a nice voice.” He’d hummed, eyes closed. You were only telling him a story about tour, about how you had seen one girl pass out right in the front row. You furrowed your eyebrows. “What are you talking about?” You’d asked him, laughing but only to cover the fact that you were stumbling over your words.

“I just like listening to you talk, s’all.” He explained. You both were sitting on the floor of his bedroom, the lamp on his night stand making it so every surface in the room looked warm and freshly baked. You were facing each other in a criss-cross, his knees nearly touching yours every time he bent over in a laugh. He made you feel like you were actually funny, always giggling at the things you said even when you weren’t trying to make a joke.

You hadn’t known what to say to that, so you just squeaked out a “Thanks?” before continuing in your story. Once you were done Harry leaned forward again, this time his knees fully pressing into yours.

“Will you sing for me?” He asked you. Instantly you started blushing, thanking the low light of his bedroom for doing what it could to hide that fact. You had tried for a while now to forget about the crush you’d had on Harry since you were a preteen, and it worked for the most part. But nights like this, nights when he snuck you away at his own party and whispered to you about all the gossip he’d heard recently and asked you to sing to him in that voice… It was impossible to ignore it.

“Noooooo…” You told him, shaking your head quickly. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I’m shy!”

“I’ve been to like three of your shows! I’ve heard you sing before!”

“That’s different…”

He rolled his eyes, leaning away so that his knees pulled away from yours. You could still feel, even just through his knees caps that had barely kissed yours, his body heat seeping into you. It made your heart flutter and your eyes will to close, just so you could enjoy it.

“Well, I like it when you sing.” He huffed, pulling his knees up to his chest now. “And anyway, I think you’re cute when you’re shy. So it won’t bother me at all.”

“I’m gonna mess up.” You further reasoned, leaning back onto the palms of your clammy hands. You could see headlights flashing through his bedroom window on your right, probably people leaving. The soft light lit up Harry's profile, making him look like some kind of angel on Earth. You hadn’t even realized how much time had passed since you’d both come up here but you guessed it had been long enough now that people were starting to head home for the night. Tires crunched outside like white noise. Harry had missed almost the entire party, upstairs here with you.

You couldn’t even really feel bad for taking up so much of his time, because he was sitting here in front of you looking the way he did and calling you cute. He always did that, but you knew he didn’t mean anything by it. He called Logan’s new clothes “cute”, too, when she’d show off a new outfit. He called your handwriting “cute” when he’d snuck a glance into one of your songwriting journals. He always said stuff like that, but only because he was trying to be nice. That didn't make it tingle any less, though.

“You mean to say you can sing for thousands of people every night but you can’t sing for me? There’s not even anyone else here!” Harry begged, throwing his hands around in his debate. “Just one song and then I’ll leave you alone about it.”

“It’s different singing for you.” You admitted, cheeks pained by how hard you were blushing.

“Why?”

“Because I get nervous around you.”

“Why would I make you nervous, Y/N?”

You knew why, but you couldn’t say that. Because he was him. Because you were totally knee-deep in love with him and he had no idea. Because he said your name that way he did.

You just shook your head, not wanting to answer. He raised an eyebrow which forced you to grumble a short “Because!”, which did very little to satisfy him. He leaned forward, gesturing for you to give him your hand. You did so without hesitating, discreetly wiping your sweaty palm on the carpet behind you. He held you by your fingers in the way you do when you’re about to kiss someone’s knuckles.

“Why would I make you nervous?” He asked again. For the foggiest second it seemed like he knew why, and just wanted to hear you say it. But that was insane and you knew it. You were imagining things, pining after him so badly that you were looking for any and all indications that he might actually feel the same way. You knew he didn’t, but it still crossed your lovestruck mind.

“Because you’e Harry Fucking Styles, that’s why.” You decided on saying, knowing how much he hated it when you called him that. You got the reaction you wanted out of him, a low, rattling groan coming straight through his chest as he threw his head back in exasperation. He pinched his eyes closed as he dropped your hand, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I wish you would stop calling me that already.” He pouted, crossing his arms over his chest. “You’re one of my best friends and it makes me feel weird when you say that. It’s just me, okay? Just Harry, without the rest.”

But that was exactly the problem. He was just Harry. He was Harry, who let you paint his toenails pink when he sat backstage with you before your show in Memphis. He was just Harry, who ordered you your favorite drink at restaurants without even having to ask what you wanted. He was Harry, who every once in a while would touch your arm or your hand or your waist in passing and make your entire body heat up. He was Harry, who made you want to turn yourself completely inside out and back again whenever he made eye contact with you. That was the problem.

“Okay, fine.” You moaned, pulling at the bags under your eyes as you ran your now unheld hands down your face. “But just one!”

That was when he flipped himself around onto this stomach, eyes looking up at you as if he was seeing stars for the first time. Your bones felt hollow and light, and you wanted him so badly to reach out and touch you again just so you wouldn’t float away. Your day-dream head was filled with all of the little things you liked so much about Harry, and you worried genuinely as you looked at him that you might lift off of the ground and bump your brain into the ceiling.

You fiddled with the strings, plucking random notes here and there before subconsciously stumbling across an old, familiar melody. It must have been locked somewhere in your brain and dragged out by sitting here with him. You tried not to smirk at yourself, knowing Harry wanted you to sing one of the songs he always bugged you about that you scribbled into the off-yellow pages of your notebook. You couldn’t let him pull them out of you that easily, though.

“It’s not much yet, but I feel pretty good about it so far.” You said, taking a deep breath in as if you were nervous. (You were nervous, but not because you were singing some song no one had ever heard before). You started strumming, noticing right away when Harry’s brows scrunched with recognition.

“Baby I, I wanna know

What you think when you’re alone.

Is it me, yeah?

Are you thinking of me, yeah?”

Harry, who had been propped up on his hands in childlike excitement, rolled over onto his back as soon as the first line came out of your mouth. He kicked his feet in a tantrum, but you acted as if you didn’t notice. (It was funny, because in some weird way, that night had been the first time you would ever call Harry “baby”. If you counted that…)

“We’ve been friends,

Now for a while.

Wanna know that when you smile,

Is it me, yeah?

Are you thinking of me, yeah?”

Harry’s hands flopped onto the ground, his chin tipping towards the ceiling so that he could barely see you through his brows.

“You’re teasing me.” He moped, though you could see a small lop-sided grin forming across his face. But how could you not tease him right now, especially when it made him smile like that? Singing one of his old One Direction songs to him was something you had always wanted to do but never had the chance to, and the opportunity was simply too good to pass up. “Last First Kiss” just so happened to be the first song that came to mind, for some weird reason…

“Girl what would you do?

Would you wanna stay?

If I were to sayyyyy….”

Harry rolled his eyes, shaking his head at you. You got to the chorus, triumphantly strumming the chords you had ingrained in your very bones since adolescence. Harry gave up on being grumpy, realizing he wouldn’t be getting what he wanted today, letting his eyes fall shut as he started singing with you.

You weren’t sure why, but he looked so different when his eyes were closed. Maybe it was because you had the chance to appreciate all the other parts of his face when you weren’t so distracted by his gaze. You watched him sing a song he had probably long forgotten, his eye brows pinching and his mouth opening sideways the way it always did when he really sang with his chest. He almost looked like he was remembering something, something he hadn’t thought about in a long, long time.

Eventually you stopped singing without realizing it, letting Harry take it away like only he could.

“And if yoooou

only kneeeeew…”

Once the chorus was over you stopped strumming, setting the guitar down next to Harry laid out on the floor. His legs were bent at just the right angle so that the headlights outside flashed just the tops of his knees.

“So what do you think?” You asked him then, a teasing smile on your face. “Do you think it should go on my new album? I worked really hard on that one.”

“It’s decent, I guess.” He smirked, “Sounds kind of familiar, though.”

“Sampled some of it from this old band…” You carried on, crossing your arms. “They’re, like, super underground though, so you’ve probably never heard of them.”

Harry let out a soft chuckle, the sound like an earthquake that was threatening to bring your entire foundations to its knees. He flipped himself back over onto his stomach, moving himself even closer to you in the process surely without meaning to. He looked up at you, his hands flat on the floor as he propped himself up on his elbows.

“What made you think to play that song?” He asked, his face soft and expectant. His eyes blinked up at you. It wasn’t exactly the reaction you were going for so you just shrugged your shoulders.

“Dunno.” You croaked, heartbeat tightening your throat. His fingertips were barely touching your criss-crossed leg, but that didn’t seem intentional. Even still, it made you want to take flight and sail away. “I just thought of it, I guess.”

He just stared at you for a second, looking back and forth between both of your irises as if he wanted to say something else.

“I haven’t listened to that one in a long time…” He finally breathed, his throat bobbing as he swallowed. It was almost like he was steering you somewhere else with this line of questioning, but you weren’t sure where to follow it.

“It was the first song I ever learned to play on the guitar.” You admitted, Harry finally cracking a smile then.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I watched this girl on Youtube play it like a million times. I practiced it every day after school until my mom made me stop.” You shared, feeling that same release of tension you always did when you shared something about yourself with Harry. You had always been so worried to do that before, but now it seemed easy. Whenever you did, he gave you this wide, starry-eyed gaze like he really cared about what you had to say. He was doing in right now, actually.

“That’s adorable.” He said through a smirk. You could tell he wanted to tease you about it, but he stopped himself. “What’s your mom got against good music?”

You lit up, a giggle traveling up your spine and making your nose wrinkle. “Nothing! She loves One Direction. She’s probably your biggest fan.”

It was embarrassing, but it was true. She knew just as much about Harry as you did, always buying you any magazine she saw on her weekly trips to Target that had their faces on them just because she knew it would make you smile.

“I think she just got tired of listening to the same song every night. And I wasn’t very good at it, either, so that didn’t help” You added with a grin. Harry shook his head.

“I wish I could’ve heard you sing it then.” He smiled.

You snickered at that, shaking your head. “No, I promise you don’t. Even my mom didn’t like it and she’s supposed to like everything I do. Think I ruined the song for her.”

“You might have ruined it for me, too.” Harry sighed, moving to sit up again to resume your previous positions. “But in a good way.”

You smiled, even if you weren’t sure what he meant by that. Probably that now he would always listen to it and remember you poking fun at him, not that it sounded like he listened to it very often. You weren’t sure what else he could have been implying.

“You know my mom cried when Zayn left the band.” You carried on, wanting to keep the conversation going so Harry didn’t have a chance to gauge your shaken-up reactions to what he was saying. “I came home from school and told her the news and she was so upset my dad had to send her upstairs to go calm down.”

You left out the detail that you cried that day, too, walking out of your science class.

“She sounds like someone I would like to meet.” Harry laughed. “She seems lovely.”

“You’d like her, I think.” You smiled, imagining a scenario where Harry would actually come home to meet you parents. Not that he ever would. Still, you wondered if he would like them. You knew your mom would embarrass you somehow, and you couldn’t even imagine Harry’s reaction to walking into your old bedroom and finding his face still plastered across your walls. “She’d be over the moon about it.” You told him, meaning it so genuinely.

You couldn’t wait to go home and call her, just to tell her about this conversation. “All the hours of practice finally paid off,” you imagined saying to her about the song you’d sang just now that she’d been forced to listen to for hours on end. “And Harry Styles thinks you sound lovely.”

“I’m sure I would.” Harry agreed. “I look forward to it.”

The door swung open, drowning out all of the butterflies and heated cheeks and heart palpitations that had filled the space around you. Logan was standing there, hair frizzing and eyes wide. She was practically panting, an open-mouth smile on her face.

“Best. Party. Ever!” She exclaimed, rushing into the room with sloppy feet. She plopped herself down, kicking out her legs to form a literal boundary in the space between you and Harry. “You guys missed everything!”

She collapsed back onto the floor, arms outstretched to her sides as if she was sacrificing herself to the intensity of the night. LA suited her well. Harry smiled at her appreciatively but threw one glance over to you that held something unspoken in it as Logan recounted the evening’s events in great detail.

“What were you guys even doing up here, anyway?” She suddenly questioned, you and Harry literally not getting a word in edgewise since she’d barged into your moment. “Hm?” She raised both her eyebrows in suggestion toward you, making no effort to hide the gesture from Harry. He let out a little, boyish giggle.

“She was singing!” Harry answered for you, pointing to the guitar still on the floor.

Logan stuck out her lower lip. “Oh.” She huffed, unimpressed. "Sounds boring."

///

December 9, 2019.

Two days after Margot’s party.

Harry was spotted walking around downtown, his hands shoved into his pockets with his chin shoved down into his chest to avoid the camera’s lens. He was wearing a black baseball hat and track pants, bundled up in a puffy yellow coat.

You hadn’t seen the pictures on purpose, you swear. You hadn’t allowed yourself to search his name in that inviting little bar at the top of the screen, stopping yourself every time you opened Twitter as it had become somewhat of a habit.

This time, you just happened to see the pictures by some rotten stroke of bad luck. It was your choice, though, that you stopped to look at them.

The past two days had been spent primarily in bed or at Bethany’s office. You woke up, went to work, and then came back and sat in the same space. Your bedside table was stacked with dirty dishes and a pack of Logan’s cigarettes you’d taken to smoking the last few days just to give you something to do. If you could just go to Anders’s house then at least you would have something to rearrange or organize or clean. Cleaning your own house just didn’t hit the same, and you couldn’t bring yourself to do it anyway once your bed had set its sights on you.

You scrolled through the pictures, brain and body numb as you took in what you had seen a million times in a million different ways. The same cheekbones. The same chin. The same ears.

You zoomed in and out around different features. You looked into the background, trying to figure out what store he was coming out of or what restaurant he was on his way to. You looked at the seams of his jacket, even. You looked at what little you could see of his face.

The last picture was the only one where you could see his entire face clearly. He was looking up at something, his eyebrows furrowed with his mouth opened in a half-formed word. You could see his little bunny rabbit teeth. You wondered who he was talking to…

You zoomed in on all the details. The creases on the back of his fingers. The hairs that stuck out and flipped over the edge of his hat, just above his temple. And it was as you were staring at this particular photo that you spotted the phone in his hand, screen lit up either by notification or maybe an accidental touch.

You zoomed in, recognizing the moment immediately that was immortalized via his lock screen. You knew that picture. It wasn’t that long ago that the photo had been taken, but it felt like ages and decades and miles and galaxies had passed since then. It was that day you’d spent in bed all morning and into the afternoon and into the next day, wrapped up in comforters and talking about everything and nothing. You talked about planting flowers. About running away.

It was the morning he said he wanted to marry you. The morning you talked about the farm.

It was you, sat up amongst the crisp white of your comforter, wrinkles memorized into the fabric from hours and hours of doing nothing but laying around. You had thrown on one of Harry’s shirts because you’d gotten cold…

You knew the picture because he showed it to you after he’d taken it. You pulled the shirt over your head, one eye squinted half shut and hair sticking up at every angle around your sleepy, love drunk head. You had a half grin on your face when he’d surprised you by taking that picture. He’d flipped his phone around, giggling proudly. You grumbled to him, something about not taking a picture when you hadn’t showered yet, but he didn’t care.

“Jus’ want to remember this.” He’d told you, mouth forming a half-baked, tired grin.

“I’d rather you forget.” You groaned back at him, tossing a pillow into his shoulder. “Delete it.”

“If you insist.” He sighed. He threw his phone down onto the bed, leaning forward so that his hands cupped your cheeks. “You seem kind of grumpy for someone who just had sex twice.”

You blushed, trying not to smile.

“I’m not grumpy…” You swore, your words cut off when Harry’s lips melted against yours. It was lazy and it was soft and it was beautiful. You didn’t remember why you were in a bad mood, maybe because you were thinking about leaving Harry to go on tour, but nonetheless all the grumpiness went away once he was on you again. You remembered it so clearly, every detail and sound of fabric rubbing against fabric as you fell into the bed with Harry tucked between your patted legs.

“Forever, sunflower.” Harry moaned against you, repeating what he’d sworn to you just that morning. You didn’t respond, wrapping your arms tighter around the back of his neck. “No matter what.”

You blinked hard, forcing yourself back into the present moment. In the same bed. The same sheets. The same amount of sunlight seeping in.

It was that picture of you, from that morning, set as his lock screen. No one else would be able to tell, probably, it just looked like any other girl. But you knew it was you.

You closed your phone, laying onto your back because you weren’t even going to try to stop the tears anymore. You surrendered to them as fully as you had surrendered to him once upon a time. Some amount of time passed before it stopped and you rolled onto your side as if nothing had even happened at all, cheek against moist pillow case.

Cry, roll over, sleep, cry again, look at your phone. You didn’t know what to do with yourself anymore. You could force yourself to eat, but you weren’t hungry. You could go take a shower, but that seemed like a lot of effort. All there was to do was scroll through Instagram to watch everyone’s lives unfurl into perfect scenarios that seemed so much better than yours. All there was to do was scroll or sleep or cry or masturbate, and even that seemed like too much work. You’d just end up thinking about him if you tried to do that, anyway.

You gave up, realizing the day had come and gone just like the last one and every day before that. Oh well. You flipped onto your stomach and closed your eyes, face smushed into the mattress so hard your nose hurt. If you could just make yourself fall asleep again you could finally take a break for a few hours and try again tomorrow. Tomorrow you would feel better. You’d even take a shower.

///

You stood on a front porch, a soft orange glow over your head. It looked familiar, but you couldn’t place it. You looked down at your feet, watching them literally melt into the concrete of the front step. You tried to lift them, but you couldn’t.

Someone came out to stand in front of you. You didn’t feel scared, you felt… peaceful. You looked up to find Harry looking down at you smiling the way he always did.

“Where have you been?” You asked him, though you didn’t know why. He put his hands on your face, brushing your eyelids and cheekbones and nose. Soft touches everywhere.

“I was waiting for you.” He answered calmly. You tried to reach out and touch him, only to realize your hands were melted into the brick wall behind you the same way your feet were.

Harry leaned into you, placing a soft kiss onto your upper lip. You smiled against him. Finally, you thought.

He kissed you deeper, but it didn’t taste like him. You tasted… cigarettes? You opened your eyes, pulling up to look at Harry in front of you.

But it was him. In horror, you realized it was Christian you were kissing. You tried to scream but you had no voice. Christian noticed your fear even through your silence.

“I’ve been waiting for you.”

He kissed you again, and you couldn’t stop it. This had happened before, you could sense that strange feeling of deja-vu. You tried to push him away but now your entire back was fused to the wall of the house you were in front of. His house.

You kept trying to speak, but nothing came out. It happened exactly like it had before, his hand gripping your face harshly when you tried to look away.

But this time he moved his grip to your sides, moving his hands into your shirt. His hands lifted the fabric, molding to your skin. He gripped your stomach, your hips, your breasts. You couldn’t stop him.

This has happened before, too. It was a memory. He kept kissing you even though you didn’t move your lips along with his. He pressed his hips into you and you could feel all of him against you. He continued palming your breasts and you swore this had happened before.

Finally you ripped your hands from the bricks behind you, shoving them hard against his chest. He barely flinched.

“Harry!” You screamed. You tried to look around but everything beyond the gray front step was pitch black. “Harry!”

No one came.

“Please, Christian. You’re scaring me.” You whined. He took a step back, leaning on the wall opposite you.

“Why, Sunflower? You asked for this.”

///

You shot up in bed, a cold sweat encompassing your body. You threw the covers off, as if worried there were still hands on you somewhere. You panted breathlessly, rubbing your sleepy eyes. Your head was pounding.

What the actual fuck was that?

You collapsed back onto the pillow behind you, gasping for breath. It wasn’t real. You were fine.

But it was all too familiar. It was like you were remembering something. You wired your eyes shut.

“Stop it.” You said out loud, only for you and your ceiling to hear. “No, stop it.”

It wasn’t just a dream. It was real. It happened. It was real.

Wait. Stop. It was only a kiss, that was it. He kissed you and you pushed him away. You’re mind was playing tricks on you. But you could see it so clearly now, you were remembering everything. His hands on you, his hips pressing into yours. The air was cold on your stomach, because your shirt was lifted a little in the front.

“Stop it!” You spoke again, gasping for air. You rubbed your eyes. That part didn’t happen.

But it did, didn’t it? He kissed you and then… and then..

You played back the sequence of events, trying to take in steady breaths through your nose. You remembered him kissing you, you turning your head to get away…

Christian grabbed your face, turning your chin back to him and kissing you again. You regained control over your body, pushing him hard. He stumbled away, barely able to keep from falling to the ground.

That was it.

But it wasn't, was it? You thought harder.

Christian grabbed your face, turning your chin back to him and kissing you again. You regained control over your body, pushing him hard…

No, something happened before that. You knew it did.

Christian grabbed your face, turning your chin back to him and kissing you again.

And you froze, didn’t you? You froze when he grabbed you like that, and you let him kiss you. You let it happen.

And you didn’t pull away. He released his grip on your face, because you didn’t stop him this time, and he moved his hands to your sides. He touched your stomach under your shirt. The air was cold…

His hands moved up your shirt. They started paying at your chest, your back, your ass. And he was still kissing you. He pressed his hips into yours. He was hard against you.

You regained control over your body, pushing him hard. He stumbled away, barely able to keep from falling to the ground.

“What the FUCK?” He yelled.

Oh god. Oh god. No. No, this wasn’t happening. Everything started swirling around your head, faster and faster and faster. Like flashes of light, moving so quickly they eventually made one moving picture.

“I might try it again with her now that she’s good and drunk… all alone with nowhere to go.”

Oh god.

You fumbled for your phone, the light blasting you right in your eyes. You pulled up Safari.

Christian and Y/N, you typed.

Nothing.

Christian and Y/N kiss.

Nothing.

You closed your eyes, trying to think clearly. Bethany and Tom had the images scrubbed from the internet, you’d never find them. You pulled up the contact on your phone before you could stop it, knowing what you had to do.

“Hello?” You heard a sleepy voice. You tried to speak but couldn’t. You took a deep breath, forcing your eyes closed.

“The pictures.” You managed to choke out. “Do you have the pictures?”

There was a silence.

“What pictures, peach?” Bethany answered finally. She yawned loudly in your ear.

“Of me and Christian. You and T-Tom, you scrubbed them didn’t you? You guys still have the pictures somewhere, right?”

You thought you were having a heart attack. Your chest felt so tight you honestly felt scared, like you were about to die.

“I’m sure we have them somewhere, sweet pea. Why do you ask?”

She didn’t seem mad that you woke her up. That was good. You swallowed.

“I need them. P-Please, I need you to find them and send them t-to me. Please.”

She was quiet.

“I don’t understand why I should do that.”

“I need them, Bethany. Now, please.”

You were desperate, so much so that your voice was shaking. Your entire body was shaking, actually.

“I’ll be in the office tomorrow-“

“Bethany I need them now.”

You were sobbing now, harder than you could remember crying in a long time. You choked and sputtered and continued begging, Bethany whispering gently in an attempt to calm you.

“Hey, hey… it’s alright.” She hushed you. “I’ll find them, okay? Give me ten minutes.”

You nodded, not thinking clearly enough to realize she couldn’t see you. Once she hung up you sat up in your bed waiting. You were almost screaming, you were crying so hard.

Logan came tumbling in, flipping on the lights. Her hair was like a halo around her head as you looked at her with wide eyes. She was panicking, jumping into the covers quickly and pressing you into her chest.

“What’s going on?” She gasped, stroking your sweaty hair. You could hear her heart pounding in her chest, you must have scared her. You couldn’t speak, so she just kept making shushing sounds against your hair.

“Is it Harry?” She asked, not pulling away. You shook your head. Not Harry. Harry was safe. Harry was always safe.

“Ch-Christian.” You coughed against her.

“What are you talking about?” You prodded, finally releasing you enough to hold you out in front of her. Her eyes scanned your face. “Please just tell me what happened?”

You shook your head, forcing your eyes shut. Your phone suddenly dinged and you snatched it quickly, the movement making Logan jump in surprise. You unlocked your phone, opening up the pictures. The images filled your screen as you scrolled through them.

“What are you doing?” Logan continued, sounding increasingly more afraid as time went on. You didn’t answer, scrolling to a picture that caught your eye. They were small, and grainy. They were barely visible as it was, but still you zoomed in as far as you could.

“Look!” You said, turning the grainy image around to Logan. “My stomach! You can see it, look!”

She squinted at the screen, then back at you. It was hard to tell with the angle, but it was there. A sliver of your abdomen showing, your shirt lifted in the front. No one would have noticed it if they weren’t looking for it.

“I don’t know what-“ Logan began, confused still.

“My shirt!” You yelled, letting out a heartbroken sob. “My shirt!”

She looked again then locked the phone and set it down. You didn’t fight her, you’d seen enough already. She held you back to her chest.

“My shirt…” You continued blubbering into her. “His hands were in my shirt. He was touching me…”

She shook her head.

“It’s okay. It’s okay.” She tried promising, but it was empty. It wasn’t okay.

“It’s my fault.” You whimpered, your lips feeling numb. Your whole body felt numb. “I let him, it was my fault.. I-I didn’t stop him.”

She kept talking, but you couldn’t hear her. You just shook violently in her hold.

“Do you want me to call Harry?” She asked. She didn’t know what to do, you weren’t calming down. She must have been resorting to desperate measures if she’d ask you that. “Hey, do you want me to call him?”

“No!” You managed to shout, pulling away so you could see her eyes. You needed her to listen. “No! He can’t know about this, he can’t.”

“Y/N, you know he’ll come if I ask him…”

“He can’t know!” You yelled again. She nodded, looking small and afraid. Her bottom lip started to quiver. She wrapped you up again, laying down so that she was holding you against her chest. She stroked the top of your head, whispering soft things to you. You thought you heard her start to sing, but you couldn’t really tell.

You wanted to throw up. You cried so hard it nearly made you gag, air barely makings its way into your lungs. You wanted to claw at your skin, to tear it away in chunks until it all came off. You felt dirty.

You let him do it. He kissed you and you didn't want him to but for some reason you just... froze. You let him kiss you, and then touch you. You let him press his hips into yours. And he was hard.

Harry could never know about this. The one thing that had caused him so much guilt- it was your fault. You let Christian do that to you, and you threw it back in Harry’s face. He could never know.

It was your fault.

///

Sounds of cars driving by. Sounds of the wind in the trees. Sound of Logan playing Christmas music while she made another batch of cookies you wouldn’t eat. Sound of your phone ringing.

Smoking cigarettes was a little too easy now. Who knew it would only take a few days for it to become such an easy habit? Logan didn’t seem to mind that you’d blown through most of her stash, and if she did she didn’t say anything.

Feeling of cold air on your left cheek. Feeling of thick fuzzy socks and that same pink throw blanket thrown over your shoulders. Feeling of the soft outdoor couch underneath you.

Logan had tried to talk to you about what happened a few times the last few days, but you weren’t in the mood. In fact, you hardly spoke at all unless it was declining another baked good she’d brought up to your room. Bethany must have known something was up with you after the other night because even she left you alone.

Taste of nicotine. Taste of toothpaste still in the back of your throat. Taste of things you wanted to say and couldn’t. Taste of shame.

Everything was strangely calm now. It was quiet. All of the things you were feeling kept coming in waves and the tide was pulled away from your shore for now. You didn’t feel anything at all. It was like you were tapped out completely. On the bright side, you weren’t thinking about Harry. You weren’t thinking about anything at all.

Scent of cigarette smoke. Scent of brownies or cookies or maybe muffins inside. Scent of December. Scent of missing home. Scent of the shampoo you couldn’t use anymore, still somehow clinging to your unwashed hair.

You looked around, having gone through all of the other senses. Smell, taste, hearing, touch. It was supposed to make you feel better when you were anxious to list all of those things, to “ground yourself”. It hadn’t done what it was supposed to yet, but you still had one sense left to try out.

You could see the concrete of your back porch. You pinched your eyes shut looking down at it, worried that if you focused too hard on it the cement might swallow you whole the way it had been almost every night while you slept. You tried again, looking out in the distance this time.

You saw trees, leaves rustling so that they looked like tiny pixels flickering on and off. You looked at the sky, how the sun was just starting to set and turn everything that same shape of light pink. It was a rose-tinted evening. You saw one singular bird in the distance.

You roll the end of your finished cigarette between your pointer and thumb, flicking it off to the side. You padded across the small space without looking at your feet to avoid the concrete and slid in like a ghost through the back door. Logan had her hair down in long, golden braids.

“Your hair’s getting so long. It looks so pretty.” You commented, going to sit on a stool seated next to the kitchen island. She smiled but she still just looked sorry for you, oven mitts on her hands as she playfully flicked the braids over her shoulders.

“Oh, me?” She sung, doing a little twirl. You laughed because you knew you were supposed to and leaned onto the counter so that your cheek rested in your bent arm. “I made you snickerdoodles.”

“I’m okay.” You declined.

“But they’re shaped like Christmas trees.”

“I’m really okay, thank you though.”

She sighed, throwing the mitts over to the side with enough force that they almost slid into the cluttered kitchen sink. She crossed her arms.

“I am going to say this to you as a friend. Because I love you.” She began, turning her chin up to the ceiling ever so slightly. She breathed harshly through her nose a few times before blowing the air out of her mouth. “I know that this is a lot to handle right now, and I know that I have no idea what this feels like for you. But if you don’t eat one of these fucking cookies then I’m calling Bethany and your mom and Harry and telling all of them that you’re starving yourself.”

“Logan, stop it-“

“Eat a fucking cookie!” Logan screamed. You jumped, instinctively pushing yourself off of the counter to sit upright again. Logan’s chest heaved up and down, a shaking finger gesturing to the pan on the oven. She started crying no matter how much she tried not to, her body shaking as she tried to be stern with you.

There was nothing else Logan could do to help you right now and she knew that. All she could do was put on Christmas music and put braids in her hair and bake sweet things and try to get you to fucking eat something.

You nodded, standing up and walking over to the tray. You picked up one of the trees that was particularly well tree-shaped, taking one big bite. You smiled at her, because you knew you should, Logan wiping her eyes with the back of her bent wrist. You finished that cookie and then another one, just to make her happy.

///

Harry Styles Tells All: Fine Line, Having Sex, and Being Sad

Article By Chance Carter. December 10, 2019.

Carter: So what can you tell us about the album? It’s only a few days out now, I’m sure you’re pretty excited.

Styles: I am, I am. For sure. Um, yeah. The album is something I’m really proud of and I’ve been looking forward to having everyone hear it for a long time now.

Carter: So what can you tell us about it so far? From what we’ve heard, it seems to be a bit of a breakup album. Would you say so?

Styles: Erm, no. Not really. I mean, I think we all write from personal experience, so obviously I’m going to talk about the things I’ve been through. But I wouldn’t call it a break up album, no.

Carter: Well is that something you’ve gone through recently? A breakup?

Styles pauses, contemplation set on his face.

Styles: No. Not recently.

Carter: Allow me to ask about Y/N, then, because there’s been a lot of speculation about the two of you in recent months. Care to set the record straight?

Styles: Set it straight about what, exactly?

Carter: About the two of you. Were you a couple?

Styles shakes his head, eyes angling down to his lap for a split second before recovering.

Styles: No, we weren’t.

Carter: I see. There just seems to be a lot of conversation surrounding your friendship. Fans think she wrote her song “Carnival” about you, have you heard that?

Styles: I have, yeah. (He clears his throat, scratching the tip of his nose.) But I can’t be the one to say if there’s any truth to that. She’s an amazing songwriter and I… uh, I admire her immensely. If she was going to write a song about me I’m sure it would be incredible. But we were never a couple, so it wouldn’t really make sense for that song to be about me. (He pauses again, shrugging his shoulders. His face flashes with a rehearsed, superstar smile.) Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, though. It’s an incredible song. But we’re only friends.

Carter: Feels like the two of you have been saying that for quite a while now, haven’t you?

Styles: A long time. Yeah.

Carter: And there’s no chance that she might have feelings for you that you don't know about? You are Harry Styles, after all, I’m sure you have no short supply of admirers.

Styles: I’m not going to speak on her in that way. She is a human being. (Harry shakes his head, visibly upset by the question.) Y/N is lovely and she is talented and smart and she is really, really kind. Whoever she is writing her songs about would be lucky to know her. Anyone would be lucky to know her. (Out of the collar of Styles’ shirt falls a thin, silver necklace. His hands come up as he continues to speak, ringed fingers tracing along the flower-shaped pendant.) But I’m not going to entertain whatever you’re implying the same way we haven’t entertained anyone else’s implications. She could, I’m sure, provide a wonderful interview for you and she could share as much insight into her album as she’s comfortable with. It isn’t my place to do that.

Carter: I understand what you mean. What else can you tell us about the album, then?

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