#I'm so fucking slow that I feel completely stagnant

[missshame]

Forever in my loser era

[wishmkr-jirachi]

...

[the-ace-with-spades]

slow down (you're doing fine) sequel unrevised snippet because I'm procrastinating on finishing slow down itself and having Mav&Brad feels

.

The light from the living room turned on — he was covered by the terrace curtains enough that it was merely a warm shade coming from the cracked door. He heard bare footsteps, and a shadow flickering through the heavy fabric, until a familiar figure showed up.

Mav closed the terrace behind himself, plopping on the sandy wooden panels, until he was sitting down on Bradley’s left. He looked at his hands, at the phone, at Jake still left on read on the screen — Bradley switched it off and put it under his thigh.

“Couldn’t sleep?” he asked. He rubbed his eyes but didn’t look that sleepy either — just a bit tired, in that long-drawn, frustrated way when one wanted to rest but couldn’t no matter how hard they tried.

Bradley shrugged. He probably could sleep, he’d slept after he had done and said far worse things than today. He didn’t want to, it was almost like a punishment, staying awake until he fixed the problem. Until he stopped running away. He couldn't make himself fix anything, staying stagnant as the ball of anxiety and the dread about the inevitable grew.

“Still thinking about Hangman?”

He didn’t answer and maybe it was an answer in itself — Mav gave him an affectionate sigh. 

“You remember that time when my deployment ran longer last minute? When you were about twelve.”

He gave him a glance — it was an out-of-nowhere question. “Yeah I was so upset that Ice took me flying the day after you were supposed to get back. In the Tomcat.”

It hadn’t been long after Ice came back from Bosnia. Bradley had been missing Mav so badly that he would cry himself to sleep whenever Ice wasn’t looking careful enough — he was still a bit messed up after his mom’s death and scared that one day, Ice’d have to tell him Mav wasn’t coming back.

Mav was supposed to be gone twelve weeks but last minute, Ice told him it’d take some more time before Mav’d come back, and it ended up closer to four months rather than three. Bradley had yelled at Ice’s face, then cried in his arms for about an hour, until he fell asleep, begging him to get Mav back to them.

“It didn't run over,” Mav said after a moment. His breathing was loud and Bradley saw him shake his head in the corner of his eye. He turned to face him and Mav’s eyes were already waiting at him, full of regret and fear, his mouth just slightly quirked. “I didn't know what I was doing, Bradley. Both my best friends were gone, I was never supposed to be a dad and here you were, completely dependable on me having my shit together, and then we were doing so well with Ice, and it was just so much—”

He hadn’t known. In his eyes, they always seemed to have a grip on everything, always seemed to have the answers to all of Bradley’s problems. They were the heroes of Bradley’s life.

“I knew I was going to fuck it up somehow, you and him, and I thought, better sooner than later, right.”

It was familiar — waiting on the other shoe to drop, and when he had been waiting and waiting and nothing fell on his head, removing himself from the situation before he got hit. Better to disappoint from the start than wait infinitely until they find you out for who you really were. Can’t be hurt if you never let them hurt yourself. Can’t hurt them if you’re not long enough for that with them.

That was a lie, no matter how hard he’d pretend to believe it — there was always someone hurt.

“So I didn't tell Ice anything and stayed in Virginia instead of taking a layover flight to California with everyone. Gave Merlin a letter to hand Ice when he met him at the airport and realized I was nowhere in sight.”

Bradley had always thought he was a coward, not facing Jake, just leaving in his absence when things became complicated, when they became too tied to each other. Maybe it was a family thing.

“I can't do it, please don't wait for me. Take care of Bradley. That's all it said.”

Mav creased his eyebrows, shook his head, almost like he was doing it at his past self.

Bradley didn’t know what to say.

“Took me almost three weeks to get back in my right mind. I showed up at home at two in the morning absolutely ready to beg him to forgive me and instead he told me to stay quiet so I wouldn't wake you up and then said I'd be doing laundry and the dishes for a month if I didn't go straight to sleep. Slept with me in the same bed the first night back, even."

Mav bit down on his lip, huffed, just a tiny, humorless sound, and looked at his hands — he was twirling his wedding ring around on his finger.

“I don't know how I could even think that I could ever live without you in my life, those three weeks. Both of you.”

That was the difference between the two of them. They might have both been cowards, running away from something great, that could turn bad at any moment — Mav came back.

Mav came back and Ice was already waiting for him, expecting him back. He faced the consequences and fixed everything, faced the option that he could fuck it all up at any moment and accepted the risks to gamble for something better and sweeter.

Mav kept on trying. Bradley’d only kept on running away his whole life.

He had been running so long that it didn’t feel like he could stop. Like he deserved to stop.

"So I could tell you that you deserve him but I know it's really hard to believe it, sometimes, and no amount of saying it will change your mind," Mav continued. "But it’s not about deserving him. He chose you, Bradley. He chose you, who are you to decide he’s wrong?”

Bradley—blinked. It was impossible to hear, to understand — he’d always thought it more as if Jake was sentenced to loving him. People didn’t choose their sentences.

They did choose to commit the crimes.

“It’s hard to believe you deserve it, but he chose you and he’ll keep choosing you,” Mav said and the wobbly note of familiarity made him felt dangerously seen. “So until you can believe it, you try your best to be the man he deserves to have, until you’re ready to believe it. You come back, how many times it doesn’t take—"

He bit down on his tongue, taking in a big, unhelpful gulp of air. His eyes were watering and he couldn’t stop it, the wetness itching in his nose even as he squeezed his eyes shut — Mav bumped their shoulders just as he sniffled stiffly.

"I think we should have talked about it more, show you more that we struggled too. We always tried to keep you out of the loop if we thought we could make it without you being affected and I always thought that it was just something parents were supposed to do," he said. "Maybe if we didn’t then you wouldn't feel like this now."

Bradley could only shake his head rapidly, because that wouldn't be true. His parents did his best with him, he had been doomed to turn up a little fucked up the minute his dad died, at least, if not the day his mom herself got orphaned and met Mav in the foster system. Maybe their family was just meant to turn up all bent out of shape.

[gatalentan]

I'm 32 years old now, sitting on a bench.

Inside me is a 20 year old sitting on a windowsill.

I developed myalgic encephalomyelitis (m.e. or "chronic fatigue syndrome") when I was around 14. It's post-viral, like long-covid, and has much of the same symptoms (though overwhelming fatigue from small actions and muscular pain, predominantly), in varying degrees from person to person. I don't know exactly when it happened. I had a lot of infections as a kid, it could have been any one of them.

What I do know is that it snowballed in a slow way that felt like my body was being dismantled bit by bit. Over time, I lost the ability to walk. And then stand. And then sit, until eventually I became almost completely bedbound, but certainly housebound, roombound. I was in pain all the time. I had a migraine all the time. I was sick all the time. 

In the gaps between, on the good days, where the symptoms were manageable, I could go to school, go to class, see friends, make bad choices, get bullied, finish my exams, normal teenage things, good and bad. But the good days became scanter and scanter, until by the tail end of my teens all I knew was my four walls and my bed.

I cannot express to you how being trapped in one room makes you into a fundamentally weird person. And I don't just mean psychologically, because, obviously, duh. But people talk about depression making you numb, and it does, but I was very literally numbed.

It was the sensory deprivation. The only time I left the house, my room, for about 4 years was for hospital appointments. I went weeks or months without feeling so much as a breeze, or even a draught from a door opening. No sun, no cold bite, no rain. Just the same dead air, absolutely stagnant, day in and day out, for years. It was like if you put a blindfold over my senses. The only real sensory input I had was the physical pain of my disability, whatever food I was given (shelf stable, room temperature, packaged), and whatever I listened to on my headphones. For years.

And I mean only too, because what the illness also did was fuck up my sleep. On a bad day, I'd sleep over 24 hours. My record was 32. And when I was awake, it was for maybe 5 hours at a push. When you sleep that much, statistically, I woke up to the rest of the house already asleep, the world outside asleep, for those five small hours, more often than not.

So for months, years, I was alone in a dark, silent room with dead air, lit by the only lamp I could reach from my bed, eating food left on a tray on the floor for me by my parents, in excruciating pain. I would sometimes go weeks without our clocks aligning. Just my own head, looping the same thoughts, because nothing happened, so nothing was new. Talking to no-one, seeing no-one, touching no-one, but knowing life was going on around me. 

My school friends were growing up, going to college, university, getting married, having children. I'd see their posts on Facebook, like I was looking through a window. I deleted my Facebook.

I was in suspended animation. 

I got sent to inpatient physio in my early 20s, for three months, five hours from home. I got specialised treatments. I learned to walk again. I could do things again. I could see people again. I could go outside again. I could live a mostly normal life. I got therapy. It helped.

But I was still in suspended animation.

I'm still in suspended animation.

I'm walking around, and living my life, but I'm still in that room.

I know that whenever I go walk the dog and it's cold or it's windy or it starts raining and I just start crying, and crying because I can feel.

For a lot of years, after being freed, I pressed everything down, refused to live, because everything was too new, too much. I developed depression that was worse than when I was locked up, because I was grieving what I'd lost. I'll always be grieving what I lost. But I have to live now, because she couldn't.

When I say I'm happy to be alive it sounds like a platitude. But I'm not talking about getting to experience life and opportunities, I mean on a very physical, fundamental, biological level, I am happy to be alive. 

I get to stand by the water and watch the sea come in - I can hear it, smell it, taste it, see it, feel it. Being fully aware of your own sensory experiences and the absolute miracle they are is what I've been left with. It's hard for me to do things without full commitment, anymore, because everything is so much and I want to feel all of it. I take so many photos, all the time. If I go for a walk somewhere nice, it's like I almost can't take it all in at once. Like I'm Bruce Bogtrotter trying to eat that chocolate cake in Matilda. I want to experience it and hold onto it and remember it and take all of it in and lick the plate clean, too.

It's all the time, even in the small, everyday things. I don't look for it, it's just there. The rattle of a poorly maintained bus engine under my seat. The smell of bakery section at the supermarket. Hot toast with half melted butter sticking to my lips. The jingle of ice cubes on glass. Birds calling to each other. Other peoples' cigarette smoke on my clothes. The dog smacking his tail against my leg under the table. Making a joke and getting a laugh. 

You're always being touched, but until it was taken from me, I had no quantifiable concept of how much, how often, and how much I was missing. I just knew that it was missing.

I wasn't alive, I wasn't living, but now I am. 

I'm a 20 year old who painfully climbed up on the windowsill in the middle of the night to feel the breeze on her face for the first time in months, who is crying, and crying. 

I'm a 32 year old sitting on a bench under a tree in the rain and giving it to her.

[elenajournals]

Coming back for 2023!

I'm journaling again, with both words and art.

I let a lot of things go this year, for a lot of reasons. My author platform disappeared--no blog posts since March, a barely-there tumblr where I reblogged stuff in spurts but never promoted my work. I stopped reviewing books and posting to my booklr as well. (I am still reading, all the time, but I even stopped recording my books on Goodreads, which I had been using consistently since I found in 2015.)

A lot of times, when someone disappears from social media and come back, they cite depression, and given my history, I'm surprised to say--no, I wasn't depressed, I was busy with a new job, I was focusing my energy elsewhere, but also I was creatively stagnant in my writing and grappling with my lack of "success," and that damaged my motivation to do other creative things.

I needed the time off to figure out what I really wanted to get out of my creative practices, because the pipe dream of making money from it wasn't happening. (Y'all didn't see that part, because elenajournals was never trying to make even the slightest bit of money, this was the safe space where I could do whatever the fuck I wanted, be inspired by anything or nothing, and be answerable to no one. Those of you who found me randomly and followed me for pretty art journal pics would be forgiven for not even knowing I was an author, as I rarely self-promote here.)

But recently, a few things have changed. The one most relevant to this platform is that I found a (lightly used) guided transformation journal at a thrift store on Small Business Saturday during their half-off-everything sale. Sure, the first two pages of lessons, someone had already written in, but they gave up on the journey almost immediately, and I dearly love "used" things that have a history I can share in.

I've been writing in that journal every day since, and I'm not going to share those pages online. They're too personal, too intense in self-examination, and I'm simply not comfortable opening up publicly to that degree.

What the first three weeks of guidance have taught me, though, is that I have, for various reasons, completely cut myself off from anything spiritual, and that I need to make space for meditative practices in my life.

Hence, the return of art journaling. (Also slow stitching, which I may or may not talk about or chronicle here. Stitch journals are a thing, even a thing I've tried before, but I'm still figuring out if that's a good fit for me and if/how it would be practical to share here.)

Later today, I will finish the final spread in my Rose Journal, the found poetry one I started in 2017, and before this past week, hadn't worked on since January of 2021.

I picked that one to finish because it was the closest to done, it has small pages that I don't feel intimidated by (large blank spaces can feel so challenging sometimes!) and though I tried out many techniques and styles over the course of filling it, it was primarily a zentangle book and I felt comfortable returning to it with the goal of meditation-as-art, rather than Making Art to Maybe Impress Other People.

Over the next few days, I intend to photograph and post those pages, plus the usual finished-journal retrospective of my favorites. Also to talk about some of my journal-related goals and practices for next year.

Then it's going to be radio silence for a week, because holiday vacation with no laptop and limited time to be online. So yes, I will disappear again for a bit, if I haven't gotten enough done to queue. Though I'm sure I can find enough stuff from others to queue for inspiration, which was always half my blog (when it was active) anyway.

So that's the update. I know that I've said before that I'm coming back, and then little or nothing happens. That's why I waited until I actually had done some journaling before I said so, rather than feeling vaguely inspired, saying so, but not following through.

[oneslimybastard]

Pick A Pile Tarot Reading, Snail edition

Aka a shitpost general reading made for my own amusement and practice. Please do not take it seriously! (Unless you want to ofc, I'm not your dad)

First, choose an image which resonates with you out of these three. This is your Pile.

Pile 1 Pile 2 Pile 3

Now, scroll down to your pile's section, and get your reading. I'll be using Wyrmwood's Corrupted Tarot because it's the deck I have and I like how mean it is :)

Pile 1

King of Pentacles, The Lovers, Eight of Cups, Five of Wands, Two of Pentacles

Seems as though you've picked a Struggle Pile, now that's unfortunate!

You are currently very low on funds, potentially due to a breakup. You gave too much too soon, lost sight of your own boundaries and before you knew it they'd sucked you dry and taken the house and kids. Fuck. God damn it. How did this happen??

Well.

You are, admittedly, kind of a pushover. You fear conflict and confrontation to enough of a degree where you'd prefer to clench your teeth and stew rather than have the conversations you have to, and move forward. This has cost you momentum, and you are currently locked in place. All the stagnant energy within you is growing restless, and it's about to pop off.

Which... good! You probably need to learn how to pop off and assert yourself more. But be careful. Too drastic of a change too soon will lead to disharmony and instability. It is deeply frustrating, but weigh your options and remain patient, and realistic. If you feel tempted to wrangle yourself out of your situation by taking on five million gigs that you think you can handle — spoiler alert: you can't handle them. Stressing yourself out by overcompensating just leads to burnout, and the cycle deepens.

Baby steps, slow and methodical. You got this.

Pile 2

The Chariot, The Hierophant, The Devil, Eight of Pentacles, Death

This is the feral pile baby and I am here to report that your energies of apeshittery are peaking.

After having been ground into minced meat to your wits end by your job you have finally had enough. Enough! Enough!! You've broken from the path paved for you, and feel as though because of it your life has spun completely out of control. Figures of authority are mighty upset with you right now, but not half as upset as you are with them, and as you are struggling to reign your shattered present together into something more cohesive and secure, you might be tempted to fall back in line.

To repent, to crawl back and all fours and beg for forgiveness like pretty pretty pretty please oh I'm so sorry for causing a ruckus. There's a period of uncertainty ahead of you, but most of it is rooted within your mind, and it's up to you to be brave and conquer it.

You might have been drastic, but it was for a reason, was it not? Embrace what has been done, own it, and your life will finally take that turn you have been waiting for all this time.

Change is scary, but stagnation kills the soul. Pull the reigns, keep going, you're bound to end up somewhere, at least. Believe in your own agency, don't surrender it to devils of the past.

Pile 3

Eight of Cups, Strength, Ace of Wands, The Hanged Man, Four of Cups

Ah yes, the clenched pile, welcome. Aw geez, you tell yourself with a nasaly voice. Aw geez, Rick. Ages of being a professional doormat, to others, to yourself, has left you paranoid — and a bit aggressive. Your temper is bad and has been for a while, you're just sick and tired of feeling used and overworked with nothing given back in return. You know this is not sustainable but what else are you supposed to do!? Nothing seems straightforward and easy, every path in front of you is laced with thorns, but it's not like you can stay put, either! This sucks!!

But don't fret, a wave of inspiration and energy is coming your way. And a large one. Perhaps a bit larger than you are fit to handle in your wrung out wet towel state.

As tempting as it might be to sit down with your arms crossed and say Nuh-Uh, I urge you to not reject yourself and your potential just so an external force cannot do so first. A creative project held close and intimate and made for you and you alone, not for other people, can be the push you need to get out of this rut and start to live for yourself first and foremost. Love your craft, love your skills and what you can contribute, and don't let people leech of it like they have, or you'll just end up here again.

But even if you do... heck, you can always try again! Annoying as it might be. Keep focus. Sometimes all you gotta do is move forward.

And that's it! I hope they weren't accurate because these were some struggle piles LFMAO Sorry about the divorce pile 1 gang, kinda baller of you to flip your boss off pile 2, and good luck with the boundaries pile 3.

[chaosvents]

i hate election years living with my parents, man. the world is burning, the arctic is melting, the wealth gap is spreading, wages are stagnant, cost of living is skyrocketing, and rights are being taken away and regulated at the whim of old men with hearts full of hate. meanwhile i have to gently talk my mother through an explanation of why it's bad that donald trump said he'd be a dictator, but only on his first day. she also said if biden loses he will also incite an insurrection? and that idk what makes her think that but she also yelled at me for saying trump is a convicted criminal. "so is joe biden" not... not for attempting a coup in response to losing an election though. but she doesn't see the difference. granted my mom kind of revels in her stupidity, i don't really understand her. she's proud of not knowing things, but i'm very much the type of person who is trying to learn every minute of every day, i jokingly call it 'need to know everything disease' and it is a blessing and a curse. the curse is Knowing How Bad It Really Is, obviously. but the blessing is knowing wtf is going on with the world. but she's proud of not knowing anything i'm ever talking about. she's been married to my dad for almost 30 years and she jokes nonstop about how her eyes glaze over when he talks about his work (that he's been doing for 40 years). like... that's not the flex you think it is?

anyway. all rants end up with my mother because she's the root of most of my trauma. my point here is that i was telling her i was anxious about the election and she decided to spend a couple hours arguing. and her point just drives me nuts. basically, she's not voting out of protest ("i'll vote when i see a good option, im 55 and i never have"). no amount of gentle slow explaining can convince her why that's not the protest she thinks it is. her secondary point is that all politicians are vicious criminals who hate you. which, like, yeah, but she uses it as an excuse to play dumb. she's proud of not knowing literally anything at all about politics because the depth and breadth of her knowledge is "politics is boring and politicians are bad". like please. please. the anti-intellectualism is killing me. why do you hate learning.

and that's another thing she does that makes me insane! she's one of those "i make fun of you because i love you" people and bringing it up will just get you a fuckton more teasing. i've spent a decade begging her not to constantly make fun of and bully me because it makes me feel like im in school again. but every time i bring it up she asks "if i didnt tease you how would you know i love you?" as if i wouldn't feel so much more loved if she listened to me. anyway one of the things she teases me about is that i like to learn. i will bring up something cool i learned and she immediately bursts into laughter. i've asked her questions afterwards and she always answers like "i don't know, i wasn't really listening". i'll tell a story and she'll respond with something completely random in a way that shows she wasn't listening even a little bit. that happens especially when im excited and telling good news and she responds with "oh, it'll be okay, hopefully tomorrow is better". like???? okay not only were you not listening, you also see my excitement and joy and assume you need to comfort me? what the fuck is wrong with her.

my sister is a nurse and her and i talk about this all the time. my mom acts stoned constantly. she takes 30-60 seconds to respond to any question and her response is "...what?" at least 1/3 of the time. the rest of the time it's a toss-up whether her response will be a random sentence she pulled out of her ass, or something that has anything to do with the topic being discussed. she doesn't do drugs either! no weed, no pills, not even alcohol. i swear to god she's proud of being stupid and slow. like she's doing it on purpose. she never used to be like this. it makes me want to slap her. wake the fuck up! react to something! join a conversation! learn something about your kid or husband! fuck!

[cognitosclowns]

Hey! I'm a HUGE fan or your work, and I was wondering if I could have a request for how Andre, Brett, and Myc's s/o would comfort them? I am so soft for these men-

AWE ABSOLUTELY <333 AND THANK YOU FOR THE KIND WORDS OML

sfw!!!! brief mention of drugs, bad eating habits, lack of self care.

Myc

Overall super hard to tell when he's not doing well?

Not only because he keeps things very bottled up overall, but also he has,, no face. hm. MSNDMSNDSM

It definitely gets easier overtime!! His 'bulb' tends to be dimmer, you can hear a certain tension in his voice when he's worrying about smth.

His instant reaction is Ew What Are You Doing. Very twitch-dodge, flinching sorta reaction?

SIGH. he doesn't like getting. attached to people. Stop being endearing. Stop that put those puppydog eyes away you bastard

He isn't a fan of. usual kinds of doting? Sappy 'You Can Do It :)!!' platitudes feel super forced and plastic to him. Even if you mean it genuinely, it just doesn't really. hit.

in the same vein. ughhhhhh talking about his feelings SUCKS go AWAY he is not INTERESTED fuck OFF

Honestly?? Just sit with him?? Crack some jokes, provide distraction, give him contact. Not only is it super calming, but getting a stronger window into your head is. actually pretty nice.

He. likes your mind. He'd never admit it, but being able to see into your brain is super nice. He finds your thought patterns super soothing.

PLUS YOU CAN BE SUPER SAPPY AND BE A BRAT ABOUT IT. Pronounce this snarky bitch dead via psychic damage. Blast his ass with 1000 volts of Love Juice. Think any and all mushy, lovey thoughts. watch his bitch ass get too boggled to remember what he was angsting about.

yes he will make fun of you but. it's worth it he looks so much calmer after.

Brett

OH affirmation does so much and. tbh he needs a lot of it.

He's not the most. confident individual, he has a lot of stress built up in those bones msndsmd.

mmmMMMM. he feels bad for. expressing his emotions. He feels like expressing guilt or anxiety is manipulative, WHICH HE KNOWS IS SILLY, but him feeling silly about it doesn't help it go away?

He's getting better tho! Therapy is a gem, he starts to come to you directly to ask for comfort.

BEST OPTIONS?? The simplest things tbh.

Like reminding him to take some breaths while rubbing his shoulders. Little bits of affirmation, telling him that you love him and that you're proud of him.

AAA <333 also just like. Doing stuff with him. Getting him moving is super helpful!!

Go on a walk (or run) somewhere!! Go out to a park, just do smth to get him outta his own head!! Even just making dinner together, slow dancing in the kitchen while noodles boil!!

It's easy to get stagnant when he's feeling bad, and doing stuff with you is his favorite thing!!

<333 also yes kisses are an amazing option. Your lovely boyfriend lights up so much when he gets a kiss from you <33 brbrbrbr

Andre

yeah he's. not usually very subtle when he's anxious?

Again, he feels super bad asking for help with stuff. Uber-Christian and super repressed family woooooo.

and he doesn't wanna worry you or scare you away?? Like people already see him as The Drug Guy, he doesn't want you to start seeing him differently because he's started showing. yknow. Symptoms.

Honestly?? Best comfort is taking some stuff off his hands.

When he's stressed or in a bad place, it's super easy for him to completely forget to take care of himself.

It's not like he does it purposefully, it's just hard to remember to eat and sleep when he's high-strung.

Make him some food!! soups are <333 and cheap ramen is his favorite shit, he used to survive on that during uni and now it's super nostalgic. Also he's a bottomless pit so dw about making too much food MSNDMSND!!!

Hoist his scrawny ass over your shoulder and wrangle him into bed!! Give him chest and neck kisses, let him rest his head on your chest to hear your heartbeat!!

Remind this silly bitch that you don't care if he stims, or if his tics start up??

He'll 100% try to hide his hands/lay weirdly so you can't see em, just out of General Insecurity. So just. remind him that he's being silly, because you give not a single fuck about em smndsmd!!!

Also one that he never expects, but always seems to help?? Just. remind him it's temporary. Like he knows this song-and-dance, he's done it a thousand times before, he'll do it a thousand times again, and even if it sucks rn it's not unsurvivable.

ITS JUST VERY EASY FOR HIM TO. Lose focus on the past and future? So that reminder is super good <33 helps keep him grounded babey!!

MWA love these boys. Lmk if you had something else in mind!! And as always y'all can add on as you see fit, I love hearing ppl go feral with me MSNDMSD

[asstrolo]

𝕎𝕙𝕒𝕥'𝕤 𝕔𝕠𝕞��𝕟𝕘 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕠𝕟 𝔻𝕖𝕔𝕖𝕞𝕓𝕖𝕣/𝕊𝕒𝕘𝕚𝕥𝕥𝕒𝕣𝕚𝕦𝕤 𝕊𝕖𝕒𝕤𝕠𝕟? 🏹 (INTUITIVE READING)

(Yes this is a Taylor Swift themed PAC, argue with your mom)

Hii! I FINALLY have the December reading jesus christ i almost died to get this over before December. Okay, let me get you into s little adventure; this pick a card was supposed to be a message for the signs but i couldn't do it, so I decided to make an intuitive PAC because i just wasn't feeling the vibes of the signs, you get me? Anyways....

IMPORTANT: Please, please, while choosing a pile make sure you're not distracted or stressed, otherwise it won't resonate. This is an intuitive reading, so it's okay if it doesn't resonate with you, after all this is just for entertainment purposes!

DISCLAIMER: swiftie behavior

𝗣𝗜𝗟𝗘 𝟭 𝗣𝗜𝗟𝗘 𝟮

𝗣𝗜𝗟𝗘 𝟯 𝗣𝗜𝗟𝗘 𝟰

You got: “fuck the patriarchy” chainsaw 10% off on Target

For the people who chose PILE ONE, I notice tiredness and burnout, laziness and resignation. As I was making this pile i kept yawning and I felt really sleepy, you are not getting enough sleep, your vital force, usual upbeat or restlessness is worn out. You are going through a difficult period in your life, Scorpio season (November) was a little bit difficult for you to say the least, you went through a lot mentally and possibly physically, you are not sleeping well, or, even if you sleep eight hours a day your mind and body feel tired all the time. You aren't paying attention to your surroundings and your head is in the clouds, –or thinking of coming back to bed, honestly– possibly somebody in your close circle of friends or family, or even work, has been draining your energy greatly, this is not just something that has been occuring in November, it's something that has dragged on for months, even years. It could be a job or the environment you are in, or something related to your school or college, but if I'm being honest, i think this relates to a specific person, or a specific group of people. They have been taking and taking and never gave anything back. “This is the last time I'm asking you this, put my name at the top of your list” I'm hearing, could be a past romantic relationship? They never put you first or care to ask you about what you liked or wanted or felt when it was an inconvenience for them, you begged them to put you first but they never did. 

FOR THE MONTH OF DECEMBER, you will gain a lot of spiritual wisdom, you'll start treating yourself better and start asking for the things you want. Yes, you've been super stressed and tired, the word BURNOUT is strong here, the passion and motivation hasn't been there for a long time, you want movement and to do things but both your body and your heart are going at a slow, almost stagnant pace. I think you're a person who's always liked doing things and being in constant movement and having their mind occupied with new projects, you are the kind of people who like to have a lot of work to do, a workaholic, you just like doing things all the time. So, it's not like you to be this way, you want to be the old person you used to, but te you from 2020 and the you from 2021 are two completely people, they will never come to an agreement. What I think you should do is try to find the new you, trying to go back to the past is not going to do you any good. No matter how many playlists that take you back to the past you listen to, they won't heal you, they won't help you make peace with it. I see that you are trying to, maybe unlike what you used to do, feel all the hurt from the past to see if you'll heal that way. I get it, sometimes the only way forward is going back a few steps, but this is not the case. You have to move on, there is nothing in the past for you. You are becoming a new person, it will be way more noticeable in 2022, believe me, right now you are at the beginning steps, but one day you won't recognize the person you used to be. This is why I think Red era Taylor is the perfect for you; there's been a lot of hurt this year, but all that hurt will trigger endless transformations, needed transformations. I'll say it again, there is nothing in the past you can take with you, you will never be the person you used to be, to put this lightly, you are in the Create-A-Sim menu, honey you're still deciding the size of your ass. You are not quite there yet, the energy of December/Sagittarius season it's going to be one of learning to be patient, to be resilient, to be positive despite the blockages you'll face, specially in work or project related things, if you have a vision, be true to it and don't give up, be stubborn.  It's important that you keep learning about yourself too. Overall, and what it's been asked of you is to focus on yourself this month, to learn what is it that you like, what makes you comfortable, what's something you've always wanted to do, and do it just for you. Take back the energy others have been stealing from you. You have a special light.

YOU COULD HAVE THESE IN YOUR CHART: Aries sun, moon, rising, Sagittarius sun, moon, rising, Cancer in big 3, Capricorn 4H/7H, Sagittarius stellium or dominant. A lot of fire energy, Leo sun, moon and/or rising, Aquarius in 4H/7H, Gemini in 5H, Mercury in 5H/9H

EXTRA THINGS: Beware of those so-called friends, they are tricking you. You are pursuing something related to art, writing? You're a reader who enjoys rom-coms or fantasy books a lot, enemies to lovers trope? Self-starting business related to hands, tarot? Manicure? Drawing or painting and selling it on internet. I advice you to buy yourself some crystals, specifically for spiritual cleansing, prehnite crystal and green quartz could be perfect for you. Also black obsidian, but that one can be a little too intense lol.

SONG FOR YOU:

You got: How is he so hot and respectful?

For the people who chose PILE TWO, I think you have the caretaker personality, you looovee helping people and you love being available for people when they need you, you'd do anything for your friends and family, you are a very responsible person in your job, whatever it is that you're doing, and a lot of people depend on you even if they don't say it. You appear to be a happy-go-lucky person in front of everyone, the friend who's always cheerful and energetic, people love your vibes. Let's talk about Scorpio season, November was a very transformative month for you in terms of career and figuring out what is it exactly that you want to do with your life and if you could make more money, and how. Super focused on your academics too! College is important for you, and you haven't been paying attention to romance or even friends. There was some sort of information that you found out in November or month prior that, that left you in a catatonic kind of state, you didn't knew how to react to it, and that is not like you. Maybe you found out your ex already has a new partner while you were still trying to move on from them, and this triggered a lot of things in you, while on the surface you seem quiet and centered in your work, your mind was trying to understand the feelings and the thoughts that went through your head. In all honesty, up until this point your 2021 was pretty difficult to deal with, a lot of negative emotions and a lot of sadness was in you for days on end, but you still got things done and tried to be your best. You never told anybody how sad this made you feel.

FOR THE MONTH OF DECEMBER, there's light at the end of the tunnel! Finally, after eleven months in the dark, the light turns in your direction, a new love, yes, love, is coming in. It's rather quick and unexpected for you, who wanted nothing to do with any of that. Don't worry, this person is amazing, they will understand you and support you, but most importantly; they'll give you your space and they won't push you to talk about your emotions when you don't feel comfortable, which is something you'll appreciate a lot, since opening up it's a very difficult thing for you to do. “Honey, without all the exes, fights and flaws we wouldn't be standing here so proud” When you meet this person you'll realize what it is to love someone and it won't make you feel anxious like before. I'm also seeing that you already know this person, a close friend or coworker or someone you share classes with! You go out for walks together or do something related to physical activity together, you are used to each other's company and it doesn't feel weird when you are around this person. I understand why you got Lover era Taylor, your love life in December will raise from the death (lol) and touch the sky, literally. You will have a special someone with you that'll make you company, you will travel together! Omg, pile two I am so sorry to make this reading all about love when it's probably something you don't want to focus on, but it's just what it is. But let's get serious, this is a great opportunity being given to you, not only to connect with somebody who understands you but to, finally, deal with the you who likes romance and got out of a probably long and complicated relationship. This month is for you to reconnect with your own feelings and put the negative mindset aside, if you don't want anything to happen between you and this person, it won't. But you still have to work on how you deal and how you show your emotions, shutting in has never made you or your mental health any good, why are you still doing it? One last thing, I have the feeling this person is put in your life this way to teach you to not internalize or try to always find the logical side to your emotions, to just feel them. This person very much could be just like you, they have a hard time talking about their feelings and being vulnerable, but they will try for you. It's all up to you!

YOU COULD HAVE THESE IN YOUR CHART: Capricorn in big 3, Gemini Rising, 10H/11H/6H Venus, Leo Sun/Rising, Sagittarius 1H/7H, Scorpio 6H/1H, Virgo Venus, Aquarius in big 3, Saturnian Moon, Aquarius/Capricorn Venus, Libra in big 3, Virgo in big 3

EXTRA THINGS: The best student in class, somebody you knew from a long time before you started developing feelings for, work is related to health or healing people, goes to college and works at night, friends turned to lovers, likes jazz music, your person had a toxic ex, your family know them, you talk about them to your family and they do too, you could've been in a toxic relationship that went on for too long, plants lover, likes/sells bikes, fell in love in November, spends too much time together, one ambivert and an introvert, opposites, giving up on past relationships baggage to start a new one.

SONG FOR YOU:

You got: They think I did it but they just can't prove it *feminist laughter*

For the people who chose PILE THREE, the first thing I'm going to say is that there is something you are not saying, the cards jumped out as if you were inpatient to speak up, is there something that's bothering you and you want to talk about it? Maybe you are impatient for something to happen? However, I think I caught you in a moment of stillness, you are waiting for something, there is a decision you must make but you are postponing it because you don't know what to chose. This could be career wise, you've been given various options at different fields or you are thinking of change your career at university, or you want to try for a job that has to do with social media and selling things but you are unsure since you are new at this. Let's go through November, there was something, some sort of project that involved other people, that you were very excited to begin with and you maybe invested in it too? But these people were untrustworthy, they used you for their own gain, or were irresponsible, waiting for you to do all the hard work, you lost time and money and patience. I am also seeing that you are not to take any major risks in your life, why? You are cautious with people and with everything in general, you plan things beforehand, and yes, you can be a little bit impulsive sometimes, but its only because you are motivated, if something doesn't bring you joy and pleasure, what's the point? Let me be honest with you, you decided on something too quickly before and got really disappointed with how things turned out, or is usually how things go in your life. Since then you've been having a more negative mindset or being scared of choosing wrong, being cautious and smart is totally fine! But you can't let your fear of failure get in the way of you actually doing things

FOR THE MONTH OF DECEMBER, you should cater to your own vision and how you want things to unfold, maybe you let other people make the decisions for you, or that's how it's been lately. You are indecisive or unmoving, this Sagittarius season you should be more opportunist and take risks, this is going to seem mean, but get ahead of people! They have been asking you for your help and when they didn't need it anymore they'd discard you, maybe you should do the same to those people lol. Be a little more fierce, but also go with the flow of things. You will find that getting disappointed and failing is a part of life, those two things can't stop you from keep trying, like I said to pile one (maybe you should read that one too) be stubborn, be resilient and be dedicated. December will give you the opportunity to prove your own worth to other people, I see people don't have faith in you, or maybe you are a conformist, a submissive person that doesn't like fighting or confrontation, and they took advantage of that. Some people, probably your family, doesn't think you can amount to more than what they project onto you, what you showed them of you, nobody really knows you, they are so used to you conforming to others idea of you, they get surprised when you tell them about your dreams and your passions! “Yes, i got your letter, yes I'm doing better. I know that is over, i don't need your closure” Some of these people want to apologize to you just to save face, so they won't feel guilty about the way they treat you, and you don't seem to want to have anything to do with them, you know their hidden agenda. You are more than what people think of you, if it's your fear of being judge that makes it hard for you to achieve your goals, then it's something you are going to have to work on this December, accept that failure and disappointments are a normal part of your life. This is kind of strange but I feel like, for a few of you guys, you want to pursue a career in writing, specifically poetry? And you feel like you will be judged a lot by your family and friends because you are used to partake in the role of funny or calm friend, who's not takes serious almost never. People never ask you how you're doing, they throw their baggage at you, and use you as their therapist? If that's so then charge them for your wasted time lol. Buy something that'll help you motivate yourself to work for that goal, a journal, new pens, a sketchbook, a book, a vinyl of that one album that you use for inspiration. You are the artist of the family.

YOU COULD HAVE THESE IN YOUR CHART: Sagittarius in 6H, Saturn in 4H/6H, Mars in 5H/11H, Water rising, Mercury/Mutable dominant, Pisces in big 3, 10H stellium, Jupiter in 12H/11H, Virgo Moon/Rising, Leo/Scorpio Mars, cardinal Mars, Water or Fire dominant

EXTRA THINGS: Paranoid personality, family gets too involved in your life, oversensitive, poetry lover, a friend betrayed you when money got in between, indie music lover, you fall asleep with ASMR or videos of thunderstorms, trouble falling asleep, you feel judged by your family, your guides protected you from deceitful people and sketchy partnerships in business, winter or autumn is your favorite season, likes watching cartoons but nobody knows? dresses up older than what they are, your birthday is on autumn or winter, small eyes? soft features

SONG FOR YOU:

You got: Vehicular manslaughter

For people who chose PILE FOUR, I see this as a collective reading, this will not only be talking about you but somebody else as well. Let me begin with you, you are a super ambitious person and like having commodities, likes having money and likes spending money on nice things. You aren't one to settle for less, even at your job, your life is your job! And there is nothing wrong with that, why? Because you like your job and you feel a connection with it, as i said, you won't do things that you don't enjoy and you went through a lot to find something you like doing every day, people might call you a high maintenance person, but that isn't true, you've been around people (especially family?) that conforms to the things life has given them and you simply do not want that for yourself, aiming for something better in life does not make you a high maintenance person or a narcissist.... However, you do tend to focus too much on money or how you're perceived by people. You focused a lot of time into growing your career and your finances, and it's been paying off, if it hasn't, December will definitely give you more money, but be careful of overspending on frivolous things you know you really don't need. Now, let's get to the second person on this reading, somebody you met, maybe this year but not likely, you guys already know each other and you have a very tumultuous relationship. Yes, I'm bringing them up, sorry in advance lol. You and this person kind of tried? To be something? But it just didn't work out, it was short-lived and the aftermath of this short relationship last until now, long after it ended, on both ends! “Let me remind you, this was what you wanted, you ended it, you were all I wanted, but not like this” I'm getting this one STRONG AF, one of you is pissed because the other left without trying, and they came back thinking they could mend things, but why didn't they stayed in the first place? And you guys simply cannot forget about each other, the thing here is that you two are too alike, in everything, in your views and likes and dislikes and sense of humor and even the music you both like is the same! You both have the same flaws as the other too, and this triggered so much for each other. Thanks to this relationship you two are completely different people, you wouldn't remember how you used to be before you met them, it was like living in autopilot before they entered your life, it's soooo weird lol, okay.

FOR THE MONTH OF DECEMBER, you are focused on self, something you've postponed for a very long time, your teen years were very difficult to deal with, could it be? You never got a lot of romantic attention as a teenager and that has marked you as an adult, making you question yourself if you are unlovable or unlikeable or people don't want to date you. You are neither of those things, you'd soon find out (thanks to this connection, maybe) that you were too special and unique for people around you, and you're probably going to say yeah right, but it is! You were always a very special person, people had a hard time understanding you or your energy, some people felt intimidated by your presence or uneasy, they just couldn't figure you out? Funny enough, this is what you felt when you met this person, you just couldn't figure them out and you are usually good at reading people, but this person was exasperating to say the least. Sagittarius season is not bringing a reconciliation with each other, because, let's be honest, not talking to somebody is not fighting, you two are dense!!! This makes me laugh, you take everything about this connection so serious but you never really fought? You have a hard time talking and communicating so maybe you pretend that nothing bad happened? It's very strange, you just can't seem to sit down and talk about your emotions, this relationship is not really toxic per say, it's just kind of immature, but I don't think, hopefully, that you guys ever treated each other bad, a lot of ghosting tho, and pretending that didn't hurt the other. Unbelievable. And I keep getting out of topic! December is another lesson you can learn through this past relationship, by trying to understand the other person, you start to understand yourself a lot better, this month is perfect for you to feel all your feelings and look back into this connection not as a loss, but as a learning opportunity, you have come so far! Yes, this person has marked you and changed you forever, sometimes in bad ways but sometimes in good ones, and you will start to understand why everything went down like it did, you clearly triggered something in them as well, in the future you two will be grateful of have crossed paths even if you didn't stayed together. One last thing, unrelated to this person; you have come far in a lot of aspects in your life this 2021, you have been worrying crazy about your finances and how your life is going, there has been some obstacles in reaching your desired goal, but you must keep going! You have a tendency of leaving things once it gets too difficult or isn't as funny as it once was, if you want this badly, you must keep working hard! It won't be done in one day. Also, let people help you, after all you're only human and you should've do everything on your own.

YOU COULD HAVE THESE IN YOUR CHART: Taurus sun/Venus, 7H stellium, Libra Venus/Rising, Venus dominant, Cardinal dominant, 8H stellium, Venusian moon, Aries in big 3, opposite Sun/Venus, Scorpio Mars, Mercury Rx, Gemini in big 3, Air/Earth Venus, Aquarius in big 3

EXTRA THINGS: home life was always messy and dysfunctional, miscommunication, breaking generational trauma, tw**fl**e connection, 2H/4H synastry, scared of intimacy, making playlists to cope with feelings, feeling misunderstood by everybody, “please let me go”, Victoria Pedretti fan?, one of you is older than the other, 4:44 text messages, 2019/2020, an ongoing cycle, clean, 8H/12H synastry, your friends dislike them, their friends dislike you, finally getting over it or solving their issues to be together

SONG FOR YOU:

That's it, folks 🙈🦋✨

[lepusrufus]

To bargain for immortality pt.3

As it turns out, poison did not kill her. Not by a long shot. Not if the numerous tests with different kinds of poisons were to be believed.

Nicole was currently bent over the sink placed in the corner of Miranda's lab, her assistant hovering behind her with a timer in hand. What was it this time? Hemlock? Belladonna?

She stopped caring when a new wave of blood carrying the replaced tissue from internal damage came rising in her esophagus. With a disgusting gag, it came splashing onto the white porcelain, now stained and coated in crimson multiple times over. She coughed, trying not to let any of the burning mixture remain stagnant in her throat, and focused on the feeling of her body healing itself. It felt, for lack of a better word, like static coursing through her nerves and organs. After that too was gone, and the only thing that remained was the nauseating coppery taste in her mouth, she raised a shaky hand, too tired to speak up.

"Seven minutes, thirty four seconds," Emma announced.

Mother Miranda noted it down, fingers typing quickly over the keyboard.

It was a miracle that Nicole was still able to stand, although leaning a good part of her body weight on the sink thankfully secured to the wall did help. She took a few deep breaths, doing her best to not sound too croaky when she spoke.

"Can I see the results once we're done?"

She could keep track of everything herself of course, but it got difficult when her body was fighting toxins meant to shut it down. And she'd be lying if she said that she wasn't dying of curiosity.

"It's none of your concern," Miranda replied coldly.

That got a scowl to appear on thin blood stained lips, partially hidden by her hunched position. "I stood here quietly while you shoved pill after pill made from every poisonous plant you could get your hands on down my throat. At least grant me the grace of knowing my own body's limitations."

Her reply was little more than a tongue click. She couldn't help a scoff when Miranda simply ignored her request and told her assistant to continue with the next test on their list. Emma picked up one of the numerous pill bottles lined on her employer's desk and came over to Nicole, who unceremoniously grabbed one pill and swallowed it before looking at the label. Cyanide.

Oh for fuck's sake.

Her body's reaction was immediate, heart starting to beat painfully quick while her head started to spin. It was nauseating, the ache seeming to flood her chest and going up her spine in a searing migraine. Not to mention the deep breaths that didn't seem deep enough, as air itself seemed choking, the oxygen not quite reaching where it should. Mild panic started to settle in when black splotches began to cloud her vision and the tingling sensation seemed to battle with the pain for dominance. Before she knew it, her shaky legs gave out under her and the white ceiling of the lab blurred out of focus.

---

She woke up with a start, the bluish lights a painful glare to her eyes. The sound of ticking stopped and Nicole realized it was Emma's timer. She looked down at herself, haphazardly placed on a bed and then at Miranda, typing down a result the ringing in her ears hadn't allowed her to hear. With a few shakes of her head to try and chase the fog in her brain, Nicole finally croaked out: "What the hell happened?"

"The cyanide was damaging cells and keeping them from taking in any oxygen at a slightly faster rate than those cells were getting replaced. Which caused you to lose consciousness."

Miranda's tone was just as cold and clinical as ever, but a slight smirk tugged at her lips when she continued, the excited scientists buried under the mask of a goddess showing a crumb of itself.

"Although I'm quite certain we solved the mystery behind the accelerated heart rate. All previous tests show that it takes no longer than a few minutes to recover, while this took over twenty five."

Nicole was still fighting some mild dizziness, but she put all the focus on Miranda's words.

"We'll have to rerun the tests under anesthesia, but for now it's safe to assume the healing slows down while unconscious."

She acknowledged the theory with an oh. She wasn't really capable of much conversation at the moment, but she let the thought be metaphorically chewed in her brain. That made sense. If healing was slower after passing out, then her body had a damn good reason to keep her awake, hence the unnaturally high heart rate.

A slow shuddring sigh was let out when Miranda asked her assistant to prepare the anesthetic, laying back down. At least she wouldn't be awake for this one.

It took around double the normal dose to finally get her unconscious. She kept her eyes glued to the needle embedded in her arm until her vision was starting to fail her, the surrounding room becoming nothing more than dark blurs and vague beeping sounds.

People do not dream under anesthesia.

Nicole knew that of course. But as the lab blurred into odd shapes and more or less familiar places, there wasn't really a better word to describe it. Perhaps a result, she would later muse, of her overactive brain, fighting for consciousness at any given moment as it now had an instinctual need to stay awake.

That need manifested itself in the vague image of one of the castle's hallways. It was in an old wing, not frequently used by many other than the cleaning staff. She was walking along the wall, using it to compensate for her wobbly legs, and looked around for something. What exactly, was beyond her comprehension at the moment, but that didn't stop her from stumbling inside each room on her path, looking around the bright and beautifully decorated space, only to exit and continue down the hallway.

Something. Something ugh.

Nicole tried not to lean on the wall too much when she got to the golden frame of a painting, not wanting to risk damaging it. Slowly walking around, she threw a glance at the canvas when she was fully in front of it. She frowned.

It was the familiar portrait of all three sisters, dressed in period appropriate clothing and hair up into small curls. Their eyes, painted in such a way that they seemed to follow any onlookers around, greeted her with soft expressions. Some details seemed different though. They were small, and it took a bit of effort to notice how the brushstrokes seemed to have shifted ever so slightly in places. A familiar rose tattoo was present, albeit quite faint, on each of their foreheads, and their features seemed a little less soft and more akin to how Alcina would paint them. Nicole stopped to look at Cassandra's hand for a little longer, as if something was supposed to have changed there too. But before she had time to dwell on that, the realization that the painting should not be there dawned on her. Why would Alcina move it? And to a near abandoned wing of the castle no less. If she remembered correctly, that portrait had been at the main entrance for decades.

Nevermind that, she could just ask Alcina herself if they crossed paths. She kept walking down the hallway, trying to ignore the nagging feeling at the back of her mind that something was off. Off, like the slightly misplaced furniture, or the lack of certain decorations, or antique objects that she knew for a fact were on display on a completely different wing. No, Nicole kept looking through every room she came across, in search of something her foggy mind couldn't quite grasp the memory of.

She finally reached one of the more populated areas, and although still not fully able to grasp her surroundings and walk around without any support, a shiver still ran down her spine. The off-putting feeling turned to dread with the realization that she was completely alone. No maid or other staff member has crossed paths with her in what felt like an eternity. No sound could be heard aside from her own breathing and a faint beeping coming from outside. At that moment, Nicole longed for the sound of giggling or the shuffling of a broom, hell even the sound of lycans howling outside. Anything.

By that point, shuffling against the wall felt more of a psychological need than a physical one. There was a fear that accompanied anyone when you found yourself in a place that seemed so unlike its normal self, and Nicole tried to make herself smaller than she already was in the eventuality that something would pounce out from the silence and tear her to shreds.

She found herself traversing another corridor littered with numerous doors to guest bedrooms or simply storage rooms. Each was opened one by one, whatever laid behind it inspected, and then shut again. Rinse and repeat. Repeat until Nicole found herself in front of an oddly familiar door. It had nothing special, the crest and color exactly the same as the ones she had left behind, but its position seemed to tug at her memories.

The door was pushed open, a slight creak accompanying the movement, and Nicole found herself in a well lit office. It was obviously a rarely used one, the shelves only holding a small number of oddly organized files and boxes, while the chair was tucked under a large desk. The plush carpet underfoot caught her attention, beautiful black, white and golden motifs waved around each other in an intricate pattern. She walked across it, up to the desk and crouched down to run her fingers on the old worn wood of small drawers. The iron handles used to open them seemed to be gone from all but the topmost one, which she opened slowly.

Oh.

The drawer was empty save for two familiar objects, a pair of matching rings with minuscule branches in flower engraved on them. She picked them both up but almost dropped them back when a set of hurried footsteps sliced through the dead silence just outside the room.

There was no time to scramble for a hiding spot, especially not with how her head started to spin the moment she stood up again. All she could do was put the hand that wasn't holding the rings on the desk to support herself and watch as the door swung open.

A sigh of relief flew past cracked lips at the sight of confused golden eyes framed by dark locks of hair. Cassandra was standing at the entrance, head cocked slightly to the side.

"Did you lose it again?"

There was a hint of annoyance in her tone, but it was mostly drowned out by an amused chuckle as she walked up to her.

"No, I-..." Did I? "I'm sorry."

Cassandra simply took one of the bands and wordlessly slid it on Nicole's ring finger, gesture that was imitated in turn.

"Why are they here?" Nicole's question was barely a whisper, either due to the dizziness she felt or the cemetery-like silence that almost demanded not to be disturbed. "I know I instructed the staff to bring mine to my room if they find it."

"Oh it wasn't any of the staff members," Cassandra replied matter of factly, even waving a hand to dismiss the apparently absurd idea.

"Then who?"

"I don't know."

Nicole frowned. She pinched the bridge of her nose trying to chase away the eerie feeling that seemed to have made its roots deep inside her mind. Cassandra's voice seemed off, and that beeping from earlier seemed to close in ever so slightly.

"Why here?" She repeated.

Her wife only shrugged and looked around the room, taking her time with the reply.

"Isn't this where we first saw each other?"

Right. That's why the office was so familiar. The memory of Lady Dimitrescu, so beyond intimidating at the time, sitting in the chair and interviewing her for a maid's position came flooding her foggy brain. Then the giggles and the rather dramatic entry and the small bickering.

"Are you waking up?"

If Cassandra wasn't so close to her, she would've thought a third person had spoken. Her wife's voice seemed off before, but now it didn't even sound like her own. Familiar, yes, but the regal icy tone belonged to someone else.

Nicole tried to instinctively put some space between them, only for Cassandra's expression to twist with concern, furrowed brows over soft golden, always so uncharacteristically soft when pointed at her. Cassandra opened her mouth to speak again, but the beeping came in louder, almost as if making its way from her throat with the sole purpose of attempting to bust her eardrums.

The room seemed to rapidly bleed out of focus, details replaced by black dots and blurry lines. Cassandra's shape slowly morphed, her beautiful black dress leaving way to a plain lab coat and golden eyes turning into icy green, ever calculating and scrutinizing. Incessant beeps from the cardiac monitor brought her back to consciousness more rudely than she would've liked.

Nicole shook her head slightly, trying to chase away the last effects of anesthesia. Her body seemed eager to oblige, quickly trying to wake up and be back on her feet. Not that she had any intention of actually getting up, but soon enough, she was looking around the space and all the pristine equipment held within. Emma was busy arranging vials and pill bottles inside a cabinet while Miranda was by the bed typing away, nails annoyingly loud on the keyboard. She shook her head once again, and looked to the opposite wall, where a clock was ticking. It was almost 11 p.m. and Nicole let out a soft groan thinking about how she'd been under anesthesia for about three hours and how her family was probably waiting for her to get back.

She laid her head on the uncomfortable pillow while waiting for the goddess wannabe to be done with her observations on her current lab rat, which meant Nicole, and finally dismiss her.

It took a moment to realize that Miranda had turned towards her and pushed her laptop close to the side of the desk, screen facing Nicole. After receiving a confused look, the woman rolled her eyes as if she were a teacher explaining basic maths for the hundredth time.

"You wanted to see the results."

Nicole's confused expression did not change, though now it was more directed towards the suspicious willingness to give what she asked for. Nonetheless she scooted to the side of the bed, letting her legs dangle over the edge, and she narrowed her eyes at the file on the screen.

---

Date: 23rd April 2012

Subject: Nicole [REDACTED] Dimitrescu

Mutation experiments - 2 (Regeneration - 2)

Resistance and healing time to various poisonous plants (in the form of highly concentrated pills or injectable) and other toxins. First number refers to the healing time while conscious and the second while unconscious.

Belladonna (Atropa belladonna) - 2'13" // 6'30"

Rosary pea (Abrus precatorius) - 2'20" // 7'02"

Crowbane (Cicuta virosa) - 2'40" // 7'12"

Wolfsbane (Aconitum lycoctonum) - 3'30" // 8'11"

Hemlock (Conium maculatum) - 3'18" // 8'28"

Oleander (Nerium oleander) - 3'55" // 10'17"

Ricin (Ricinus communis) - 5'58" // 16'19"

Arsenic, 100mg - 7'34" // 21'38"

Cyanide, 50mg - / // 26'53"

[canimal]

I wanted to write a time travel fanfic and about Evan Rosier/Hermione Granger as a main pairing but... I'm stuck. I didn't choose the most redeemable character (Rosier was killed by Moody after a magical fight) and it's complicated bc how Hermione can fall in love with someone like Evan no matter how charming and smart he is ? How did you deal with that (Hermione, Death Eater and their ideology) ? All I can see is something like Jaime/Brienne (GoT) and a very slow burn. But it still feel wrong.

(Please bear with me as this is going to be a super long response.  I’ll put it underneath the cut so those who want to read it can read it and those who want to scroll past it can do so quickly.)

To be perfectly honest, if a story feels “wrong”, you shouldn’t be writing it.  Trying to force something that you don’t feel comfortable writing and don't fully believe in will not only make for a story that feels forced and unnatural to the reader, but it will also become a story that you will not enjoy writing.  (Never forget that this is our hobby, not our job.). Eventually, you would likely hit a wall where the story was unable to progress further and you’d be stuck.  Lots of writers try to write a story with certain elements or pairings that are “trendy” and end up stuck because they forced a story.  Writing should flow fairly smoothly.  I’m not saying that writers should never stumble or feel blocked, but I am saying that if you’re not allowing a story to remain organic and grow naturally, you will find you quality and likely your own enthusiasm and enjoyment in writing the story suffer.

Why do you want to write a story with Evan Rosier?  Is it because you find his character fascinating or you want to uncover more about him?  Or is it because he’s not a character that’s written about a lot and you’re hoping to stand out in a growing sea of Death Eater stories?  

I promise I’m not trying to be rude or condescending, even if it seems like it.  This is an honest question.  If your answer is on the first couple, awesome.  Go for it.  

But, if you’re hoping writing about him will get you instant recognition and a large number of followers on your story immediately, I’m sorry to tell you that that probably won’t happen.  Most readers don’t want to take a chance on unknown characters.  They just don’t.  I’ve mentioned this many times, but when I first started writing Thorfinn Rowle as more than just a one-dimensional bad guy in the background in first, The Dark Mage’s Captive and then Parolee and His Princess, I frequently got PMs and reviews asking me who the fuck Thorfinn Rowle even was and that I might actually get more people to read my stories if I didn’t write such weird pairings. 🙄 (Let’s not forget the troll who commented “This should’ve been a Dramione” on literally every single chapter at least twice.  Sigh.) So it’s both amusing and incredibly frustrating to have readers in the fandom announce that Thormione is their OTP when most of them wouldn’t have given my stories the time of day when I was writing them and they were the ONLY Thorfinn stories in existence on FFN for certain and probably everywhere else.  Because so few people were interested in reading a story with Thorfinn as the main love interest when I was actually writing Parolee and His Princess, if I was only writing the story in an attempt to stand out and not because that was the story I wanted to write, then I likely would’ve gotten frustrated and quit before I ever finished.

So, if you’re serious about writing an Evan Rosier story because it’s what you want to write, I wish you the best of luck.  It’s always challenging to write a character with little to no background info in canon.  Challenging can also be a great deal of fun.  If we never challenge ourselves as writers, we won’t ever get any better.  Writers must be willing to learn and try new things if they want to get better.  Practice is crucial.  Too many writers (professional and otherwise) get to a place where they don’t believe they need to improve and their writing gets stagnant.  It’s sad.

Now to your question about how or why Hermione might fall in love with someone with such a different and dangerous ideology... there are many different ways this can be tackled.  I must stress thought that you make sure the decision you make makes sense within your story.  Don’t try to force something.  Let it grow naturally.

First of all, I don’t believe anyone is unredeemable.  (Or irredeemable. Same meaning, right?) Perhaps it’s because of my own personal faith and religious beliefs, but I don’t believe anyone is wholly evil or wholly good.  Yes, even in this hyper-partisan world we now live in, I don’t believe that anyone (even those who might disagree with me) are pure evil.  This has actually gotten me a lot of grief from angry trolls and super sensitive former readers alike.  I’ve been accused of being an “apologist” for all manner of depravity including, but not limited to, rape, violence, murder, racism, all the bad things ever, etc. simply because I believe that no is unredeemable... irredeemable.  Ugh, whatever.  You know what I mean.  

Everyone has good qualities in them, even those who appear to be nothing but evil.  Far fewer good qualities than most certainly, but still there.  I’m also a firm believer that people, even really bad people, can have an existential change of heart and want to be a better person.  Many just have to be given the opportunity to change.  Of course, I don’t believe that they shouldn’t be punished for their crimes or they should be excused just because there’s something good about them.  I’ll never understand why I’ve been accused of being an apologist.  🙄 Some people are truly exhausting.

For every story about a Death Eater falling for Hermione, there’s a different explanation.  If you’ve ready any, you’re probably already familiar.  Because I try very hard to make every story I write unique from the others I’ve already written, I’ve mixed it up.  Antonin only joined for knowledge and power without realizing until too late what was really happening.  Rodolphus was pressured by his wife in one and his grief and depression made him fall further in than he meant to.  Sometimes the Death Eater was pressured by family to follow in their footsteps; others by their peers.  There are countless reasons why people join these kinds of groups.  Disillusionment, looking for a place to belong... you really could make it anything.  I’ve known people who were drawn in and brainwashed by cults because they were desperate for purpose, for belonging, for a feeling like their life actually mattered.  It can be super easy to get sucked into a cult and takes years to get out... if you can.

JKR wrote the Death Eaters as being simply bad for bad’s sake.  They’re almost all one-dimensional.  No person is actually one-dimensional.  They have hopes and fears and dreams just like everyone else.  Maybe they thought they believed in the sort of pro-Pureblood world that Voldemort imagined, but once they got in they were in over their head.  Reality rarely meets our expectations.  People grow and change.  Even my own beliefs have changed as I’ve grown older.  What I used to think was important no longer is and there are issues I have done a complete 180 on as I’ve grown up and begun to live in what I call “grownup reality”.  (Life is much different for me than it was even when I was just in my twenties and how I see the world has changed drastically in some instances.). So if experience and time has been able to shape and change my beliefs and even my values to a minute degree, why could the same not be said for a Death Eater who discovered all was not as it seemed when they were recruited?

It’s also important to remember that no one thinks, acts, or believes like everyone in their set group one hundred percent of the time.  Each individual has their own thoughts and beliefs.  Maybe they joined because they hated Muggles, but then they realized they were wrong to do so.  Maybe their family pressured them to join but they didn’t agree.  Maybe they were afraid to die so they joined.  I know a lovely man whose father died in World War II fighting for the Nazis - not because he was an admirer of Hitler and believed in everything dreadful and evil the Nazi party believed in.  No, his father was conscripted into the German Army and fought because he would’ve been arrested in the best case scenario and executed in the worst.  His young wife and their two small children could’ve also been in danger had he refused.  It’s a terribly sad story.  And hardly the only one.  That’s just one example.  History has countless other incidents all over the world when scared people fought and fell in line with a terrible leader because they had no other choice. Or at least it seemed like they had no other choice.  Not everyone is strong and brave enough to stand up to injustice and evil when their lives are on the lines.  Humans by our very nature can be quite cowardly at times.

It’s possible that a person who has done evil deeds or believed just absolutely atrocious things could want to change and be a better person.  Though it wouldn’t be easy, someone like Hermione could choose to forgive them for their past.  Especially if they’re truly remorseful.

Of course, it’s also unfortunately true that there are sometimes relationships that are just absolutely toxic.  Love can make idiots of us all.  How many women (and men to an extent though not nearly as often) see the potential in a man and want to change them into something good and perfect?  It happens so often it’s a cliche.  Woman falls in love with bad boy.  Wants to change him.  Stays with him with hopes and dreams that he’ll stop being so awful.  Is disappointed over and over again.  Have you ever known someone who fell in love with a truly terrible person and even though their relationship wasn’t healthy whatsoever never seemed to quit them?  Kept going back for more even when everyone told them it was a terrible idea?  I’m pretty sure you have.  You might’ve even been in one of those relationships yourself.  I know I was.  No, he might not have been a murderous minion of a madman, but he certainly had his terrible qualities that I thought I could help him get past.  Tale as old as time.  

I could go on and on and on about reasons why Hermione might fall in love with a completely unsuitable man who might even wish her dead, but there’s no reason.  It could be for a thousand reasons.  And don’t forget, Hermione isn’t exactly some innocent paragon of virtue herself.  She’s pretty dark even in canon.  Trapping a lady in a jar?  Cursing a girl’s face possibly permanently?  Leading another witch into a forest knowing there are centaurs in there who are dangerous?  And those are just the things that unobservant Harry noticed!  Who knows what she was doing off-stage?  She has her own darkness and her own demons to fight.  She’s not perfect nor is she some pure angelic creature who only uses light magic for good.  Nah, she’s pretty twisted at times. (On a side note - Please don’t try to write her as being all-powerful, perfect, and never do anything the least bit bad.  That’s not her character at all.  It bothers me to see her written as some sort of pearl-clutching virgin who has never done anything bad in her entire life.  That’s NOT the Hermione I read in the books.)

You just have to find the right motivation in your own story.  If you’re not forcing the story and allowing it to develop naturally, you’ll figure it out.  If you’re forcing it, I’m afraid you’re going to stay stuck.

I hope this can be so some help!  Sorry I’m rambled on and on and on.

[brimbrimbrimbrim]

Hello! I just want to say I absolutely love your writing and your work and I am so glad I found your blog! I wanted to see if I could request like a mini fic if at all possible because you are honestly one of the few people who manage to capture Wrenche's personality perfectly? I'm having a lot of issues with depression today and it's particularly bad and I was wondering what a goofy adorable Wrench might do to try and cheer someone up?

Anon, I’m sorry to hear you’re having a rough patch. I’m glad I can provide something nice for you to read in the hopes it makes you feel a bit better. Thank you for your wonderful compliments! I have a larger Wrench fic in the works, but hopefully, this will work for now.

I have also posted this on AO3 for an easier read. LINK

Something was up. You only know that because the garage has been quiet for the past hour. At first, you hadn’t realized what that tickle in the back of your head had been, but you realize now that it’s the lack of power tools and robotic sounding ‘fucks’ coming from Wrench’s ‘special’ corner that troubles you. When that particular black cloud decided to hang over your head - which happened at random, lasting however long it wanted - you rarely paid much attention to the outside world. The fact that Wrench’s garage is dead silent, and that you noticed it at all, could only mean he’d stepped out when you weren’t looking or… more realistically, that a bomb was about to go off.

From behind your shoulder, you peer across the bright, dusty expanse of the hangar, spotting Josh’s green hooded-back, researching HaDoCk’s latest batch of emails in his own quiet way. You blink with a slow measure of bleakness, exhaling darkly against the blanket you had draped over your head for the past twenty-four hours. Saftey; you think morosely. The scratchy weight of the fabric doesn’t really help, but you feel a little less like falling into the floor with it blocking out the world around you.

Same principle as hiding under the blankets to escape the monster when you were a kid. The monster was gonna eat you if it wanted, and even as a kid you knew that, but you still hid under the covers anyway. Looking out across the messy garage, you realize why you were more able to keep your chin up in this corner than if you’d been camped out on the hood of the old caddy - the place was pure chaos. Like a grenade went off in here, you think, frowning.

It was Wrench’s garage after all. Maybe a grenade had gone off at some point.

Fuck it… you think, twisting back towards your computer screen with a loud, metal screech. You don’t startle, just wheeze at the animated sight before you - spikes, leather and mischief. There, sitting cross-legged on the desk is Wrench; emotes of double carets staring at you and one of those party crackers in his hands.

Please… no….

“Congratulations!” He exclaims, pushing on the plunger, showering you in confetti and cheap paper streamers. For a second, emotion flickers in your chest, but it’s definitely not the type meant to be in response to party favors. In a deep, mocking announcer voice, he continues, “What has she won Jimmy?! What’s that? Is it - it’s a neeeewwww… no, it’s not new, but it is handsome if not a little rough around the edges.”

Wrench gives you a tilde-caret wink as the last of the party fodder drifts down around you. Your heart flutters just enough to tell you you’re not completely dead inside, but your lips just don’t care to twitch, let alone smile. Poised there, on your desk, Wrench leans forward as if waiting for the laughter you must surely be about to rip.

With a heavy breath, you blink and part your lips, demanding, “What?”

Even to you, the question sounds dead. Not even your prescribed medication, meant for moments like this, have helped any. If Wrench wants some attention, then he’s better off finding it anywhere but here. You’ll only disappoint him and that, you’ve come to realize, is not something you want to do. Wrench won’t help, just like the pills haven’t helped and if anything, his little attempt at cheering you up just annoys you.

In all honesty, these past few days of feeling empty nearly allows you some perverse enjoyment in being frustrated by him. It’s something at least, though it sucks about as much as that raw, hungry sensation in your core.

Wrench clears his throat, double carets flattening out into underscores before he - inelegantly - reaches forward to sweep the confetti and crap off your blanket-covered shoulders. You side-eye his hand, watching the bones and veins flutter underneath his incognito dude tattoo.

“Well, I’ve done all I can. Time to take you out to pasture,” he tells you, voice chipper but hesitant as he flicks a bit of paper off the top of your head. Double x’s pop up and with a short huff of laughter, he kicks a foot up on the edge of the desk, throwing an arm over his knee before finishing with, “I bought a dozen donuts as a backup plan, you know… in case I had to raise this situation to a DEFCON two.”

As if to clarify he adds, “I’m not going to put you down… just FYI.”

Most of that passes through one ear and out the other. A voice in the back of your head whispers that whatever Wrench is doing is meant to make you feel better, but it’s not worth it. You sigh, billow out your blanket of shiny crap, rearrange it over your forehead and huddle back into code-compiling mode.

Left without a response Wrench twitches, shifting on the desk; legs collapsing over the edge. His ankles swing back and forth. He hums off-key, eventually whistling something that sounds like ‘It’s a Small World’  until you send a pointed glare his way.

Instead of leaving you alone to wallow in misery, his mask blinks double carets, “I know what you need!”

In a short second - so fast the computer screen shakes - he’s off the desk and darting away like a fucking felon, but he’s gone and that deflated part of you that was trying to be social sighs in relief, settling back into a dark pit; making itself scarce once again. Some part of you appreciates the effort, but a greater part of you doesn’t care at all about Wrench trying to ‘cheer’ you up.

He comes back five minutes later with a cardboard box in his hands. You watch with half-lidded eyes as he crawls up over the desk, knocking over a speaker.

“Oo, sorry,” Wrench mumbles, sounding… a little cute, but mostly you exhale, realizing he doesn’t sound like much of anything. He leaves black scuff marks as he skids up, standing on the desk with only a slight wobble. Your fingers pause, hovering over the shift key as he steps over the screen, legs spread with one foot on either side of the keyboard. Gently, Wrench lowers the cardboard box over the monitor with double zero’s and x’s flipping back and forth over his mask.

You blink slowly, watching him crouch behind the monitor, knees on either side of the cardboard box that happily reads, ‘SuNshiNE & PiZZa.’

“My treat, but if we don’t get pineapple on half, I’ll leave your ass at the Pier.”

It takes a lot of effort, but you manage a weak, “…not hungry.”

If you were capable of feeling any worse, you’d feel shitty for the dejected way Wrench plucks his custom made monitor cover off the screen, shuffles his way off your desk and accidentally kicks over the speaker for a second time, before hopping out of sight.

Two more times he shows up - once with a dirty apron on, holding a car jack like a dog while spouting off hammed up lines from ‘Silence of the Lambs.’ The second attempt at cheering you up ends with fire. You’re not sure how he manages to set the cement floor on fire, but it’s only sorta, not really amusing to watch him out the corner of your eye as he stomps out flames with ‘Come Sail Away’ on full blast behind him.

After the smell of burning rubber fades away and the garage is silent once again, you decide it’s safe to say Wrench has finally given up.

For ten solid minutes, you’re left alone… or maybe the time on the computer is off, and it’s been four hours. It feels like it’s been forever when the reassuring keys under your fingers rip away - someone is dragging you by the back of your chair. The computer screen grows smaller and smaller and stagnant air ripples the edges of your safety blanket. Without reason, a blush rushes into your cheeks as Wrench’s mask slips close against the back of your neck. You can hear his static-laced breath beyond the thick blanket as he drags you and your chair across the garage.

Fingers white on the armrest and knees tucked up; you hold on with muted surprise as Wrench spins you around. Your world swirls like a bad drunken night for a few seconds before he halts your chair; your body jerking at the sudden stop.

Laid out in front of you is his table saw, cleared of all the metal dust and plastic chips. For a moment it almost looks like he’s scrubbed it down, but you blink at the telltale smudge of oil and feel your eyebrows pinch.

“Voila! Welcome to Casa de Wrench,” the forced French accent doesn’t work when filtered through his mask. He sounds like if HAL and Mario had a baby… wait Mario was Italian… ugh, you can feel your brain literally sigh as a tattooed hand, sporting rubber black bracelets, starts waving across the ‘spread.’

“We’ve got these round things with sugar. These - these are… also round, but! - these are fitted with the choicest of dulce and sprinkles. Just imagine the poor unicorn that had to cry those things out for you.”

It’s nice - it really is but-

“I also got you a black coffee with two sugars and a shot of battery acid,” he rants off, so quick and… awkward that it actually throws you for a loop. With a curious expression, you peer up at him past the drape of the simple checker-print blanket and find him looking down at you with running ellipsis.

Say something; you’re more apt mind whispers.

With a frown, you look back at the mess of donuts - most of them crushed as if Wrench had accidentally sat on the box at some point - and the extra large paper cup of coffee.

There’s a little plastic seal sitting off to the side… you note that it’s been placed further away as if Wrench hadn’t wanted to make the little extra addition as obvious as the donuts and coffee.

Coffee and donuts were easy to pass off as a friend looking out for another friend, but a little trinket like that? With a careful hand, you reach out, crossing the spectacle of sugar and caffeine to pluck up the plastic seal. It’s cheap - one of the gimmicky things those t-shirt vendors by the waterfronts sell to tourists, but… it tickles your chest; makes you feel just a little bit lighter, and while you can just barely hear Wrench mumble excuses for the gift, your lips twitch upwards.

Beside you, Wrench goes quiet.

For the first time today, you slip the weight of your blanket off your head and smile. The gesture doesn’t even feel forced - it doesn’t hurt to make, and the soft sound of Wrench’s exhale only makes the faint smile curl further. There’s still a pit in your stomach - a heaviness weighing you down, but it doesn’t feel as dark. Even the world seems a little less gray and pallid.

When you turn towards him, he’s leaning back with two thumbs up, swaying them to and fro in a silent question. Better or worse?

“…better,” you whisper, eyes crinkling with a little wave of contentment.

Your weak response literally causes Wrench to jump for joy, arms in the air, releasing a loud ‘whoop’ of noise.

“Fucking awesome!” he shouts, turning at the waist just to throw a finger at Josh across the garage, who’s staring blankly at the two of you, “Fucking told you I had the magic touch.”

“I,” Wrench inhales dramatically, “am The Whisperer.”

“Usually that term is meant to follow a noun, also acting as an adjective-” Josh interjects.

Beside you, Wrench’s mask drops into underscores, followed by inward arrows of frustration, “Oh my god, shut’the’fuck’up. It’s an overall term.”

To demonstrate said ‘overall’ term, Wrench caresses the air into a circle, spiked shoulders hunched forward. It’s serious and yet not - much like Wrench’s personality is. He’s always full of piss and vinegar - rainbows and dynamite. It’s infectious.

An amused sound trickles into your ears as Wrench mimes his ‘overall term’ while Josh grimaces. It isn’t until Wrench is looking at you with question marks and Josh is staring wide-eyed that you realized you’d laughed. Giggles bubble up under your oversized hoodie, and they only rise into fits of laughter as Wrench’s fist pumps the air, whispering about how majestic he is.

By the time your throat is raw - breathless with laughter - it feels like all that black tar settled in your gut is gone. You shift in your chair, smiling, feeling ten times lighter with the little toy seal gripped in your hands. Colors come back - the world brimming with crisp edges and glitter. The tuned down thrashcore in the corner filters into your ears and as if on cue, your stomach grumbles.

When was the last time you’d eaten? Yesterday morning, maybe.

Only slightly oblivious to Wrench watching you eat - hiding the heart emotes under his hoodie - you take a sip of perfect, hot coffee and ready your tongue for a round hollow disk of deliciousness.

Wrench, you decide, is a fucking national treasure.