#I'm simultaneously delighted and terrified

[suiana]

thinking about a yandere who was cursed by the gods (something similar to medusa), not because he did anything wrong, but because they found him too beautiful and too tempting.

what was once a god of a man was now but... still a handsome man, just with cursed eyes. with eyes that turn anyone into stone the second he gazes upon them. everyone who he once knew were now nothing more than mere statues, having glanced upon his beautiful eyes that now bring death.

he has chosen to live in solitude, away from everyon- well, not really. it's just that the once lively place he lived in.... wasn't so lively after all. i mean, they all turned into stone 💀

anyway, he shut everyone out because #1 they were all dead and #2 he didn't want to lose another person that he loved. what better way than to just... not interact with society and become a social hermit?

enter, you.

little ol' you who accidentally wandered into his place. he was flabbergasted and terrified. shit, he didn't want to kill an innocent person! so he tried to scare you away by making weird noises and blockign off your path while simultaneously not showing his eyes.

but wow, you just kept coming closer and closer!

"stay back! i'm warning you! you'll regret it!"

he tried to cover his eyes, tears threatening to spill from them as he absolutely majestiv form trembled on the spot. man, was he really about to take the life of another innocent person who didn't deserve to get turned into stone??

then you told him you were blind and he felt the fear leave his body as fast as it came.

from then on, the two of you chatted daily, talking about your different lives and such. it helped him regain a sense of... normalcy that he thought he'd forgotten. it was nice having you around.

so much so that he actually started to develop feelings for you. feelings that were so deep and obsessive that others would've probably ran away. not you though, never you. you were the only one to stay by his side despite his unusal predicament. perhaps the gods were sorry for playing such a cruel fate on him and decided to give him a blessing?

wrong.

"sweetheart! sweetheart! it's a miracle!"

your voice snaps him out of his daze, filling him with a giddy feeling that he's come to love and crave. oh you are just so delightful! he swears he could just lock you up to coddle you in hugs and kisses for the rest of his miserable little life!

"darling? what miracle?"

he pauses, feeling his heart drop into his stomach the second you enter his room without your usual glasses on. wait... what are you-

"i've regained my sight! bless the heavens above i-"

"no! no! no! don't look!"

but it was all for naught. you had already turned to stone.

"fuck! why did this happen?! no no no.... please wake up. please, you can't leave me too!"

the beautiful man sobs, cradling you in his arms as his salty tears fall onto your now stone cold cheeks. he cries and begs, voice growing softer and softer as the sun begins to set. how could the gods be so cruel? what had he done so wrong for them to subject him to such a fate? fine! take away his friends! take away his family! but why did they have to take you too?

"please come back...."

things were only made worse because today was the day when he'd finally decided to ask you to spend the rest of your lives together.

[earthsickwithoutyou]

He's lucky we love him unconditionally 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤣🤣😂 In all seriousness, I think some viewers are too quickly dismissing the show as repetitive and not deep enough. I mean, I could watch Mark do this on a 24 hr basis with very little variation, 😂 but even so, there are many layers going on with this last bit at the end of ep 3 (my favorite of 1-3 and the least liked by most viewers). There's a wildly insane, narcissistic, cruel and sadistic, yet weirdly earnest and almost innocent aspect of the killer's humor that I just love. Plus, and this is maybe the secret ingredient if you pay close attention: at his core, he's so fucking hurt (earnest) and bitter/resentful/vengeful (asshole) about being rejected by people he tries to befriend. So, he has turned the cycle of rejection into one he actively controls from start to finish. On the other hand, he can appear flatly emotionless and sociopathic in certain moments. But I'm not sure that's at the root of his evil or his personality. The point is, we may never fully know. He's not just a 1-2 repetition of "the quirky weirdo" turns into the "evil psycho," he's never ever just one or the other. "Josef," real name who-the-fuck-knows, is all of it, and he's addressing his delighted entertainment at his own killing at us. Who else is he bragging to? Obviously, himself as he watches the tapes again to relive his supposed glory/accomplishments, etc. But the tapes are also a documentation of his "work" which is his legacy. In a way, it's a much less over-the-top rendition of the themes seen in The Poughkeepsie Tapes (which I also like) and even Barbarian (a great movie). The twisted documentarian. He makes us complicit in a sense, but is understanding what he really wants? I think he'd want us to be impressed. He wants us to know he's not that nervous, babbling dork that he actually is, he's the big bad nightmare. What is fascinating to me about "Josef" / the killer is how he's simultaneously sincere and deceptive, despicable and yet relatable in his loneliness and awkwardness, hilarious and terrifying.

[meraki-yao]

Taylor did a Q&A on bilibili!!! (it's in English but only with Chinese subtitles)

[spacexseven]

Trying to find the post I originally saw it from would take too long and plus the person who made it didn't go into detail they just said "reader with a God ability" like I'm guessing an ability that makes you God or something? I'm not too sure but if you want you can try to make it into something

But I REALLY wanted to know how would Fyodor would react because you know the story with him and god

basically reader is a kind of (forgotten) god but i didnt go too much into it so feel free to imagine whatever you'd like ^^

cw: yandere character

sometimes it occurred to you that divinity, in a world of gifted people, was ultimately meaningless. after all, who would choose to believe in a god—a presence so unclear and foreign—when they had people with powers only gods could have? when there were people with powers that defied logic, powers that decimated cities, and powers that could change the fate of the one affected within moments, what did your divinity matter?

what could you do that some ability user out there couldn't?

despite knowing there wasn't anything you could offer to regular people, you liked to walk down their streets and watch them go on about their day. there was something captivating about their lives, something that resembled what you had lost a long time ago. though in this bleak part of yokohama, most of the people you saw seemed to be weighed down by regret.

once in a while, you'd see some spectacular show of power—paper turning into a weapon, accidental deaths that you knew were not supposed to happen, people on the brink of death brought back to life in perfect health—such things did not amaze you as much as they worried you. maybe that worry came from a place of inadequacy, knowing that your own powers, while typical for a divine being, was overall unimpressive compared to these wonderful and terrifying feats.

however, the worry and the shame did not compare to the delight that followed when talking to someone. you felt alone, isolated by the things you knew and had seen as compared to the mundane lives most people lived, yet you yearned for company. most people were too busy to talk to you when they saw you seated alone, and some were put off by the strange feeling that something about you was not exactly human, but there was always someone who'd approach you first, and those people were almost always the ones that stuck with you the longest. years ago, it was a man wearing a hat and holding a cane, and more recently, a woman with red hair.

and now, it was this man with dark hair and amethyst eyes.

the very moment fyodor uttered his first words to you, you could already tell that he was unlike anyone else you had talked to before. there was something about him that was simultaneously alluring and unsettling, something that glinted in his dark eyes that told you that he knew everything you were trying to hide. even the way he held your hand in his felt like he was trying to sense something from you. still, his expression did not change—calmness evident in his face when yours was definitely teeming with intrigue. it should have embarrassed you that a human was better than you at controlling his emotions.

but there was something unusual about fyodor—the way he carried himself, the contrast between his sharp gaze and sleepy smile, the words he spoke—you could already tell that he was someone destined for great destruction. (or maybe, he was destined to be the harbinger of destruction?) he spoke to you like you were an old friend, someone he had known all his life, not finding any unease in slipping into deep conversation. his voice was soft, but each word felt purposeful.

and then, he mentioned his belief in god.

"what does a god matter," you finally asked the question that had been plaguing you for all this time, "in a world of people that are treated as gods?"

he smiled at you then, like he had been expecting it, "that is simply a result of the follies of man. isn't it disgraceful that they think of themselves as gods?"

"but what can a god do for you that some ability user out there can't?"

"what i sought, what i received, was guidance," he whispered, "my eyes were opened to the truth, and i realized my purpose. ability users parade themselves as gifted, special, but they only bring misfortune."

your heart wavered then, for the man in front of you. you never believed that ability users were blessed, or whatever some groups liked to say. in some cases, it appeared to be more of a curse than a blessing. something unwanted. was he haunted by himself as well? before you could stop yourself, your next words leaped out of your mouth, revealing your identity and subsequently confirming his suspicions.

"if so, what does that make you?"

he smiled then, wider than before. the very sight sent chills down your spine, even though very little still scared you now. he straightened up, clasping your hands within his with a newly gained fervor, with more strength than he appeared to have.

"a sinner seeking repentance from you."

you exhaled sharply, but he wasn't finished, "i know now for sure that this is the right path, and under your guidance, i will deliver your judgment, and i will reinstate you to your former glory."

danger was easy to miss when it looked like fyodor dostoevsky, and it was too late for you now. realization dawned on you a moment too late, as tendrils of consciousness slipped away from you.

among the ghosts of yokohama, fyodor was the harbinger of great destruction. and his reign of terror would start with yours.

[leprosycock]

checking my notes. looking over what i have for this stream, stacking them together, nodding in my big news anchor suit and gigantic shoulder pads. sea said this was juiced pt. 2, similar to how i equated house flipper to the replacement stream. and i totally agree!!

every piece of jrma and Iudwig's relationship is told through smoke and mirrors, productions, lights, cameras, and costumes, both in front of and behind a screen. and we get to see little pieces of them in between them playing their roles, or at least what they imagine their roles to be. they definitely both seem to lose the plot at some point when they get too entangled in what the other must be thinking and how they, themselves, are perceived. or they just get too entangled in the presence of each other. and they're not voyeuristic about it either, they just don't/can't care who sees because they are each other's stage. they both create the rooms the other performs in.

feels really good to simultaneously return to a dynamic that we've been familiar with over the past year or so and see new glimpses of things that have changed. jrma is comfortable with Iudwig to the point where he can poke and prod at him, tell him to go fuck himself, tell him he sucks, he hates him, because jrma isn't so fucking terrified of him anymore. he doesn't need to shower lud with endless praise because they already both know how deeply jrma cares. they banter right from the beginning, even when the audience isn't quite supposed to be aware of who or what 985bot is, because they can't physically stop playing and batting kitten paws at each other.

even when they're supposed to be playing up that 985bot is, in fact, a computer and not a real guy, jeremy is not in there, lud can't help himself. and i think that thrill of false anonymity really excites him. "hold you down and kiss you", "how's that taste, fucker?", "i love this guy! i fucking love this guy!", acting out and flirting and calling him 'baby', just because he knows that he can. the entirety of this stream is them sticking their tongues out at each other and teasing each other like crazy just to see who'll crack first, if either of them will.

they actually both just crack when they see each other face to face again, when lud is drunk and jrma is so unbelievably, egotistically delighted to be seen on screen again ("i love chat" yeah i bet you do, freak), but also by lud. the little head pat that jrma gives lud, gentle and birdlike, very careful touches that barely last a second because he is dying to touch him and lud is dying to be touched. his voice gets sweeter and softer and kinder and he beams like he's in heaven when jrma puts the medal over his head. despite lud's penchant for 4d chess, he can't keep playing every single second of his life. he's just so happy to be adored. jrma is happy to adore.

the last time they were both this happy together on screen was almost a year ago, during the chessboxing stream, when they were one whole and united unit. lud didn't have to compete for jrma's attention this time and jrma didn't have to spend the whole stream worrying that lud didn't care about him. this stream was very clearly a big collaborative creative effort between the two of them, given jrma's theatrics and weird twist ending and the exact kind of fast-paced, low-stakes, casual, friendly tournament gaming that lud loves to organize and play, so we can only assume that offbrand is doing well. they seem to be closer than ever and it's heartwarming and it's thrilling and i couldn't be happier. i love my boys!!!! more than anything, i love my boys. i love my boys so much and so passionately and so tenderly and i'm so glad we've gotten them back. we are back in a big and enormous and fulfilling way

[lestweforget5]

Hi love Sunward I’ve climbed. It’s so good and I really wish that I found it when it was finished, because it’s so annoying having to wait! 😂 Love the idea of a Curt and Dickie live au and Johns perspective of Millie arriving at Stalag Luft! (I’ve got a bit of an head cannon that one of the 100th saw her fall, so they all really think she is dead). Also I cannot get the AU idea out of my head of Curt and Dickie surviving, making it back to England, and moving into more non combat roles because they refuse to leave the war without Millie. Would love to see there reaction to Millie’s return, her closeness to Bradys crew and the rest of the 100th and especially her and Brady.

Hello, Nonnie! Thank you so much for sending me these wonderful ideas. When I got up this morning and saw 2 asks in my Inbox, I was expecting questions from the emoji ask game I reblogged the other day, and as much as I love those ask games, I was especially delighted by what I received, and they made me go 🥺🥺. I'm pretty sure that both asks are from you, so hopefully I'm correct and not conflating 2 very nice Nonnies together.

I'm really glad you're enjoying Sunward I've Climbed, and as an avid consumer of other people's wonderful stories, I completely understand your reaction when you have to wait for the next chapter. And hopefully, you'll enjoy the upcoming stories in the wider Sunward Verse just as much.

I'm definitely going to geek out about your ideas at very great length, so everything else is beneath the cut.

And given the time, I'll answer the other ask tomorrow. I'm going to have lengthy thoughts about that, as well.

And please--🥺--I love these AU ideas of yours, so please share more if you're comfortable doing so. I think they're genius.

As to your headcanon:

The sheer angst potential of this brilliant headcanon of yours is extreme, and I love it. Given the battle of survival all the other ships were undergoing simultaneously and that I don't think that any other forts went down in the TV Show right where M'lle Zig Zig did, it would probably have to be one of her crew that sees Millie's chute get strafed and then the beginning of what they would probably assume was a long, quick, and terrifying fall into oblivion.

The question would be WHO precisely would have seen her chute get strafed, and WHO saw it happen would influence whether that was behind their belief (as Murph notes) that she'd died at Munster.

So Millie was third out of the plane AFTER Hafer (the radio operator) and Gangwer (the ball-turret gunner). There was a long enough delay with McCusker (who came forward from the tail and did not bail from his assigned hatch) and Petrohelos talking about what to do with Clanton's body that Hoerr and Hambone could have easily been the next two out of the plane.

Say for the sake of the story, it was Hoerr and Hambone who went out next and thus would have been closest to Millie when her chute got strafed. Hambone was already badly injured and had to get free of the escape hatch, too, so he might not have noticed.

Hoerr, however, would have, I suspect. He was co-pilot, so he was probably scanning the skies, trying to count chutes like Brady was in the cockpit. Hoerr would know the standard order in which the crew was supposed to bail and from what exit, but there were irregularities with how the crew bailed that would have thrown off any guesswork of which of his crewmates was he watching die.

Hambone went out just before him; Solly, Brady, and Bucky all bailed after him, so with Clanton being dead, Hoerr could narrow it down very quickly to the enlisted (Petros, McCusker, Hafer, Gangwer, or Millie). But which one of them was it? If he could get a full chute count, he'd probably discount McCusker and maybe Petros, as well.

That leaves Hafer, Gangwer, and Millie. Gangwer was injured, and Hafer yelled over the radio that he was coming to help, and that probably, he might have thought, thrown off bailing order and who goes from what hatch. Moreover, normally, Millie would be first out of the bomb bay, but I could see him wondering if she might have delayed bailing to try to help.

“Eight-and-a-half,” Millie corrected, because she was tired and feeling a little ornery. “And like I’d stand bein’ left behind after what happened the last time my crew went up without me.” Tomorrow would be a month since Regensburg. One whole month. One long month. Sometimes she still thought she heard a snippet of Curt and Dickie’s voices in a crowd, saw a flash of their faces out of the corner of her eye. (She hadn’t touched gum in a month, even when one of the other girls had kindly offered her some. The last piece she had had, Dickie had given her.) “That wasn’t your fault, you know,” he said with a frown. “They‒”

So Hoerr could have concluded that it very well MIGHT HAVE been Millie's chute that he had witnessed being strafed and her resulting fall, but he could not have known for certain. But would he have said anything to Brady then? Hoerr knew how close the two of them were, and I could see him telling Brady out of full-disclosure, but I could also see him keeping this to himself because he doesn't know for sure, and then the news is like this festering secret inside him.

And, if he kept it to himself, maybe after Hambone arrives with news about Gangwer and NO news about Millie, Hoerr was working himself up to telling Brady, and then one afternoon, Millie arrives ...

I need to think about this headcanon of yours some more, but I very well might make it canon.

As to your AU idea:

That twist on Curt and Dickie surviving is fascinating and very plausible. I've already got some prison camp ideas for them, so I'm going with the other possibility: evasion.

I can't remember where Escape Kit went down in the show, whether it was in German-occupied territory or in Germany, and while the farther you get into occupied Europe, the harder evasion likely is, it's not impossible...

Especially with Dickie's injuries, it would probably be quite late in 1943, if not early 1944 before they returned to England. There were some evasion routes that would take escaping airmen down into Spain before they could be taken to England, but there was also an evasion route that crossed the English channel by boat. I'd have to check dates and maps to see what evasion route would be most likely for them in this scenario.

So according to Red Bowman's diary, Thorpe Abbotts knew Buck was alive by December of 1943, although they didn't know the same about Bucky by then as far as I know. It would have been like twice as long since Escape Kit had gone down, so Dennis and McKay, Curt's navigator and bombardier, would--I suspect--have appeared on the POW's list well before December, but with Curt and Dickie not on any lists, Thorpe Abbotts very well might have assumed them dead or MIA, which would only add to everyone's surprise when (A) they either show up on base one day fresh from debriefings in London or (B) Harding gets a call that they are down in London and the news spread around base.

I can't imagine Curt and Dickie's horror upon their return to Thorpe Abbotts to see the sea of unfamiliar faces (> replacement crews) and hear of the full losses sustained at Regensburg. And then to hear about Bremen and Munster on top of that, the sheer scale of losses from those two missions, YIKES. And to hear that not only Buck and Bucky went down, but that Millie went down, too--their favorite engineer and close friend--it's like 😱😭.

And depending upon when they got back to base, they might not have even known whether Millie was alive or not--and for Curt, whether Bucky was alive, as well. And that hurts. And then to hear from Kenny how hard she took their deaths and how she half-way blamed herself for what happened, wondering if things would have been different if she'd been with them, that really hurts. (Because I think Millie would have said many of the same things to Kenny later that she said to Brady in Algeria, which really makes her comments to Kenny about Our Baby "Do as I say, not as I do.")

And then even once Millie is known to be alive and at Stalag Luft III, it's not like Curt and Dickie could write to Millie. The situation would be even more impossible for them than for Kenny because they evaded capture by the Germans. It was slow, but Fonda could pass on news from Kenny in her own letters. It would probably be too dangerous to even mention Curt and Dickie by name.

I think Curt and Dickie would be relieved that she had another good crew to look out for her, but I can imagine Curt still being a bit proprietary over her. She's her own person and VERY capable at what she does, but still ... she's his engineer ... in the vein of what Curt shouts up to Brady in Stymie before Regensburg (“You’d better bring me my engineer back in one piece!”).

Curt and Dickie would also be absolutely horrified at what happened to her post-Munster and pre-Stalag Luft III. Even if she weren't their friend and their engineer, what was done to her was horrifying and wrong (and violated the Geneva Convention, I'd think) on so many levels. And given his personality, I could almost see Curt going red in the face, blowing smoke out his ears, and being like "Let me at 'em!"

I think Curt would be surprised by Millie's relationship with Brady but not disapproving, though I imagine there would be some vetting and an ... intense ... shovel talk involved. Sort of the overprotective big-brother vibe, especially since Curt was like 7.5 years older than her. Dickie--I think you could easily go either way on whether he has an inkling about Millie and Brady even as far back as the trip over from America in June 1943.

“Once she’s done dancing with Brady …” Dickie added mischievously. Talking with the two boys was like interacting with older brothers. One of them was always as happy to side with her to tease the other as they were to turn right back around and tease her if they had half a chance. Turnabout’s fair play, and what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, and all that.   “Now don’t go puttin’ it like that, Dickie,” Millie protested, infinitely glad that the three were just talking loudly enough to be heard over plane noises and not using the interphone. “Makes it sound like he’s sweet on me or I’m sweet on him or somethin’. He’s nice. He’s a gentleman, and his hands don’t wander, and we like talkin’ about music, and when we’re done dancin’, he buys me a coke, and that’s that. Nothin’ to write home ‘bout.” The last thing she wanted was any rumors starting about her friendship with a lieutenant. “I’m just teasing,” replied Dickie, slightly apologetically.

That would be the key passage for judging what Dickie knows. Is he teasing her just because? Or does he suspect something, gently tease her over that, and then back off when she doesn't respond how he might expect?

Regardless of whether he knew or not, Dickie probably leaves all the loud reactions to Curt, on whom he is generally a steadying influence, but he probably gives Brady his own shovel talk, and given what they say about the quiet ones, that might be the scarier of the two ... discussions.

[four-bastard-bustle]

Matt headcanon B ? :p

Headcanon A:  realistic

We all know his facade of superior hides a man who hates himself. We all know this. He's obsessed with himself either way but I just know that he berates himself constantly but also simultaneously goes "well if no one else is going to love me then I'll just have to love myself" and then he can't handle it when someone actually likes him and is kind to him. I'm not projecting, shut the fuck up

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

Member of an antiques club. The old people are just about the only people he can stand besides Tom. Of course he naturally respects his elders but also they can and will randomly tell the wildest fucking stories from their lives and Matt lives for that sort of drama. Being nosey about Brunhilde's divorce and the mysterious disappearance of her ex is the most delightful thing to him.

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

He will never find acceptance in his blood family. His father will resent him for the rest of his life because his son got bitten by a stupid zombie and didn't get "blessed" by the curse like his ancestors were. It was going to be his sign of reacceptance into the royal family. And he fucked it up. He's a failure. When Matt was told this point blank by his father he, being an undead meat eater, had a strong urge to attack his father. This shocked him to his core. It was the first time he's ever had negative thoughts about his father. And they went straight from admiration to an urge to kill. It terrified Matt. His own mind terrified him. No matter how much Tom would eventually assure him that his dad would totally have deserved it, Matt will never find himself comfortable with the fact that he wanted to hurt his own flesh and blood so badly.

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

He's a mean bitch. I don't care how uwu sweet excitable and smiley hyperactive legacy made him and how much of that beyond keeps around, he's going to be the meanest most cynical little cunt on the planet forever in my eyes. They'll never take this from me

[sergeant-angels-trashcan]

I'm sorry you managed to hit me right at the peak of my cod ghost hyperfixation and now as a member of the 'put kate bishop in every fandom ever' club this is all I can think about. Kate 'hawkeye' bishop fucking up all their sharpshooter records. Kate giving them info about her weapon smuggling father. Kate attempting to assert dominance by jujitsu leg headlocking anyone and everyone she can during training. Using ghost as a brace for sniping cause he's an Unmoveable Object and also a Good Shield. Help Me.

I have been holding myself back SO SO MUCH with this but if the people ask for it!!!!

oh it got LONG we're doing a readmore

SO many good scenarios for them to meet here.

TF 141 asks for Hawkeye to assist on a mission

option 1: they ask for Hawkeye, expecting Clint, and get Kate. Gaz is delighted. Price is getting himself a drink. She's not great on the obstacle course but gets Ghost in an arm bar in about ten seconds. They take her to see how she shoots and they're all like 0.0. Gaz is DELIGHTED. Ghost is like 'sure hope this doesn't awaken anything in me'. It's already been awoken in Soap. She's theirs now. No take-backs

option 2: they ask for Hawkeye, get Clint, and are mad. They wanted Kate!!! How do they know about Kate? Well they wound up working with some outside forces a while back and Deadpool DOES NOT SHUT UP about his best friends Hawkeye and Better Hawkeye. 141 is actually kind of upset, they don't need another massive dude they were kind of looking forward to having someone smaller who could be hoisted into walls. Clint can't stop laughing

or maybe one of them knows her outside of the task force?

Ghost knows her through Deadpool. I'm sorry, I can't budge on this. GIANT MEN WHO LOVE KATE BISHOP. He wears the mask all the time around her, that's not a big deal. Ghost teaches her how to use a few different kinds of guns. She whines at him because ew guns. He whines back. They're having a great time. He shows her a few different ways to kill someone with a kitchen knife. Kate is simultaneously excited and disturbed.

Ghost doesn't mention that he knows her (why would he?) and when Price finds out they're getting a Hawkeye assigned to them, he knows, deep in his heart of hearts, that Ghost is going to HATE her. Price knows how Hawkeyes are. He knows that is not a kind of person that endears themself to Ghost. He has five different damage control plans laid out for each of them

Soap and Gaz have been arguing about who is going to show her around base etc. Ghost isn't even throwing his name into the ring (BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE'S GOING TO BE THE ONE SHE PICKS ANYWAY!!!!)it's a good thing he wears a mask all the time because because his smug expression is so insufferable someone would smack it off his face

141 is waiting to greet her on the tarmac (something that was HIGHLY ENCOURAGED so that they did not LOSE their Hawkeye immediately after landing. Hawkeyes know they're not supposed to do that but Hawkeyes gonna Hawkeye)

Kate clocks her Good Buddy Ghost, SCREECHES, runs pell mell at him, and jumps into a hug

to the rest of the task force it looks like she just tried to attack him

Ghost doesn't pin her or throw her or stab her or any of the other things that would be a typical Ghost response

he just gives her a gruff "watch the goods" as she comes dangerously close to kneeing him in the junk before hugging her back???

tf141.exe has stopped working

tucks her under his arm and says he'll show her around

Soap and Gaz are ??????!!???!?!???!? WAIT

they can't see Ghost's expression but they KNOW it's so smug they can FEEL it as he's like my hawkeye >:)

Ghost lets her climb all over him. Like he's standing arms crossed over his chest all intimidating and Ghost-like perfectly still as she climbs up his shoulders to pop open a drop ceiling tile

this has the unintended but hilarious side effect of making 95% of the people on base terrified of her. they don't know who she is, but she's easily half Ghost's size and she's not afraid of him even a little. obviously she's insane

sees him sans mask for the first time on base and walks into a wall because ummm that's a hottie, actually. lucky for her it happened by a security camera and Gaz text the video to her >:)

or ororor she meets Johnny while they're both on vacation (?) and they wind up disarming a bomb together. They are both just a tiiiiny bit disappointed because they like when things go boom :(

they get some sort of frozen treat afterwards in their very-inappropriate-for-diffusing-bombs apparel. Evening wear? Beach wear? Not sure.

Kate has a moment of "relationships with civilians never work friendships or otherwise" and dips not realizing that helping diffuse a bomb is NOT CIVILIAN BEHAVIOR KATHERINE

Johnny is NOT going to use questionably legal methods to find out who she is (besides the future Mrs Sergeant John MacTavish).

He's NOT.

yet

he tells people he met his wife on vacation

they disarmed a bomb together :D it was FATE

someone has to tell Johnny that's a weird thing for a rando to know how to do

maybe she's a spy or something so he SHOULD use slightly less than legal means to find her???

doesn't matter, the next day they get a team from the Avengers on base for some reason. Captain America (Sam Wilson) Black Widow (Yelena Belova) and Hawkeye (Kate Bishop) (also poor sam who gave him the most feral widow and hawkeye. who did that.)

not sure if he actually says "that's my wife!" but Kate does call him Bomb Boy :)))

as in that is what Yelena and Sam know him as.

"This is Bomb Boy, Kate Bishop? I did not expect him to...have a mohawk."

"Or be Scottish," Sam adds. Unhelpfully.

which, duh, guys! Those weren't the most important things about Bomb Boy. The most important things were knowledge of explosives and steady hands. And funny.

(ps I don't know if Kate and Soap are legit into one another or if Kate just picks up another work husband)

Kyle would be the one she meets most normally. Ish.

Either it's totally boring civilian like they meet online and then Kate has to go to the UK to meet up with tf141 so that's a great time to meet up with her good buddy Kyle who is also in the UK!

so either he's not there with the tf when she gets on base and she's like oh!!! my dear friend Kyle is also in the military!! Maybe you know him. His name is Kyle, he goes by Gaz sometimes?

and the task force is buffering because GAZ HAS SAID NOTHING ABOUT SORT OF DATING AN AVENGER

Soap records their entire meeting. it's so cute.

that or they don't figure it out until they're at the restaurant literally sitting next to each other waiting for their dates when Kate notices he has some violets because "purple is my friend's favorite color" and Kate's like purple is MY favorite color!!! then they hug and it's super cuteeee

or

they meet through Sam. He and Riley bumped into tf141 one and saved their asses a while back

when he became Captain America, Sam reached out to Gaz

so anyway Gaz is at some party Sam invited him to and look, he can't say no to the Black Captain America. He just can't.

but he's jet-lagged and he doesn't really know anyone so he's sitting outside recharging his social battery and enjoying the night breeze when all of the sudden a purple blur races around the corner and vaults over the bench he's sitting on into some shrubs

that's pretty weird, he thinks. but also, usamericans

a minute or two later, an older man comes around the same corner. he looks familiar but kyle can't place him

"did you see a woman in a purple dress run by here?"

"can't say that I have."

the man swears and continues on his way.

Kyle waits a minute. "He's gone, love."

the woman pops up. She has twigs in her hair. "thank you so much, I hate that guy. He's such a creep."

he helps her remove shrubbery from her hair and they chat about the party and their respective teams and everything and nothing

at the end of the night he kisses her hand and FORGETS TO ASK HER FOR HER NAME

he's kicking himself for weeks.

is that something he can ask Captain America about? Does he know Captain America well enough to ask for his friend's number???

thankfully Captain America is coming to base to help the 141 out with something

Gaz is elbowing Soap in the ribs because that's her??? the woman with Captain America is HER, THE girl

"That's fuckin' Hawkeye, mate!!"

Ghost being an Immoveable Object and Shield while covering his face all the time is going to get me back on my dinkate bullshit OOPS

kate refuses to understand chain of command or rank. she literally fears no god or man. she'll listen to Price or Ghost because she's nice. if someone outside of the 141 tries to pull rank on her she's just like no thanks (: well SURELY she listens to Captain America! and she laughs. someone gets the bright idea to call Steve Rogers himself because SURELY she has actually followed orders from him and he laughs so hard he cries

i think that derek is SUCH an embarrassment to kate. he does crime and he's not even good at it. i also like to think that every few years he does try to have her and Clint killed, just to see if it'll take this time. now, anyone who knows Deadpool knows better than to take that contract, but the pay is good. anyway i just want the task force to be there when someone DOES try to kill Kate and their responses when they find out it's her DAD trying to do it. obviously Ghost is ready to kill him, but i think Price is the dark horse here with how fucking angry this makes him. like he's asking "is derek a scotch man? whiskey?" and then a week later derek bishop is mysteriously on life support. the last thing he was seen doing was having a nightcap

ughghughg tf141 catching wind of a prolific assassin picking up the Bishop contract, and they've been trying to catch this guy for years, so they go undercover as her neighbors. They think she's a regular civilian meanwhile Kate is like "beefy and attractive men who are always trying to be helpful to me...suspicious". She then proceeds to bug their apartment or trailer--which they find, of course, only they think that it's the assassin or foreign operative and NOT the woman they are stalking using as bait protecting

it's incredibly jarring to them the first time they see her in action in the field. They've trained with her, the fact she's assigned to them at all is telling, but they still kind of see her as a goofy carry on or something--until the guys walk into an ambush. Kate's nearby but not with them because they didn't think they'd need her for this (which is not how this is supposed to work!!! but they're still struggling with how best to utilize her). point is, the guys are all probably going to make it out okay, but it's going to be loud and it's going to be messy and those things will probably fuck up the rest of the mission.

anyway they're getting ready to fight their way out when Ghost realizes that one of the snipers he's been keeping an eye on...isn't there anymore. then the other sniper, suddenly no longer visible. suddenly three of the men advancing on them have arrows sticking out of their necks, and then Hawkeye is dropping from a roof taking out the last three with mostly her thighs. there's silence while hawkeye catches her breath and every man of the 141 goes ah! i get it now! she's terrifying!

everyone on base thinks she's their yappy little chihuahua but the boys think she's more like a sand cat--looks so cute and smol but will rip your face off as soon as look at you. someone talks shit about the 141 one time in Kate's hearing. after that, she became the 141's scary dog privilege.

anyway please say more to me. share thoughts. i'm insane about this

[dangerously-human]

3, 26, 50 for the writer ask game :)

Thank you for your patience, I know I took forever to answer all of these but this one took even longer because I decided to indulge myself with ALL the details and that was a time-consuming genuine delight. 😅

3. What are some tropes or details that you think are very characteristic of your fics?

I am a big fan of playing with metaphor and challenging myself with defined structure. Years ago, I wrote a Continuum fic (Still Here) with POV from every character in the story, with the swaps happening in a sort of chain based on who the characters interacted with - Dillon talks to Carlos, then we're in Carlos's POV until he thinks about Garza, then we're with Garza until she picks a fight with Emily, and so on - all looking at the same theme of how Kiera returning to her time left a hole that deeply affects everyone she left behind. Love giving myself a theme to work around, like chapters in developing relationship fic each based on a color of the rainbow. As is probably quite apparent, I enjoy writing "five times/things" fics and drabbles, and combining the two. Sometimes I go a step further and do the variations on a theme thing for five interconnected drabbles, like the Sparky five senses series. I like giving myself a challenge with fanfiction so it still feels like I'm growing my writing skills, even though a lot of things come easier than with original works.

26. Would you rather write a fic that had no dialogue or one that was only dialogue?

Easy, I write fics sans dialogue all the time. I do really enjoy dialogue and I think I've improved my ability to write it a lot, but introspection is still where I thrive.

50. Answer any question of your choice, or talk about anything you want to talk about!

Oh goodie, love this question! I'm going to answer 29: What songs would be (or are) on a playlist for [Here's a Safe Place to Lay Your Heart Down]? Explain your choices if you want!

I never used to be the kind of writer who had separate playlists for individual projects (outside of the occasional original work), just one massive playlist for the fandom. It's been a fun way to focus on some of the more effort-heavy, long-term WIPs! Here's the one for the ring fic:

The Graduate - The Arcadian Wild: The bittersweetness of growing up and your perspective shifting so you see the world as it truly is, for better and worse simultaneously. "When you were younger, you dreamed of being tall, but you discovered growing up just leaves you feeling small" / "Failing is fruitful, so long as we do not forget to move" / "We are wandering through the wild, we are wondering when not if we'll reach the other side... When we were ever alone? Together we'll make our way home"

Anomaly - Angels & Airwaves: Lockwood crush angst! "I never wanted to say how much I liked you, I never wanted to be one of your sad discoveries" - not feeling worthy of Lucy

Dark Mirage - Matthew Parker, HIDDEN EYES: Lockwood struggling and Lucy feeling helpless. "I don't possess the power to drive off the darkness that's haunting you, I pray the truth gets louder" - Felt fitting for the wallowing portions of this fic, considering Lockwood vastly overestimates his negative effect on Lucy. Also like... this level of angst is exactly what Lockwood is terrified of inflicting on Lucy, it's not actually like this but he's worried it could be if he's not constantly on high alert (which is what Lucy tells him she's willing to do if he ever needs it)

Taxi Cab - Twenty One Pilots: Ooh, this one hits hard on so many Lockwood & Co levels. "I wanna fall inside your ghost and fill up every hole inside my mind, and I want everyone to know that I am half a soul divided" is just such a good way to showcase Lockwood's growth, from the soul divided being between life and death to being part of a whole (with Lucy). The repetition of "don't be afraid" throughout a lyrical story that is so Lockwood all over just. Argh, it's very very hard for me to put this one into words. Like how the "don't be afraid" could at first be giving up but then it's a promise not to. And it gets at the same idea as the books do with Lockwood as both Christ figure and the one saved ("and then I asked them, am I alive and well or am I dreaming dead? And then one turned around to say, we're driving toward the morning sun, where all your blood is washed away and all you did will be undone"). There's a lot of imagery here I associate with the Other Side and the return, and so I connect it with Lockwood sort of dying and, upon symbolic resurrection, choosing a new life that involves opening himself up to Lucy... Ugh, yeah, this one's harder to explain, it just means a LOT to me

Hot Tea - half•alive: Obsessed with this as Lockwood being pathetically in love, tbh ("Wanna be here ar your door 12am and sleeping on your porch until you get in, looking into your eyes endlessly, crawling into your lap desperately"), and "can't afford to lose you any longer" fits very well for the canon era chapter, but also just the warmth of belonging to each other ("Hold you in my hands like hot tea, knowing I'm safe 'cause you want me")? That is always the Locklyle vibe I'm going for, but especially in this fic. Also the line "sip you through my front teeth" makes me think of Lockwood and his blue whale thing, hahaha

Spiders - Bear's Den: I will eventually come back to write the spiders symbolism kidfic that slots in later in this series, which is the only reason I did not end up using these lyrics for this fic despite it fitting the vibe so well. (Love, I'm Trying had at least three WIPs competing to use it as a title for a while there.) But, yeah, the whole thing with spiders as indicative of a haunting lends extra power to this one in an L&Co context, with lines like "I can't take back all the hurt I've caused, everything I love I have somehow lost, it's four in the morning abd the spiders are crawling in my mind, replaying pictures of all I can't undo, love, I'm trying, but I can't oull myself when the darkness comes" - and that being when Lockwood has to learn to go to Lucy, because that's what they do for each other, they pull each other out when they can't do it alone

Rain Clouds - The Arcadian Wild: The growth! While usually I associate this song more with Lucy, it does still work for Lockwood and the guilt he carries, moving from "I'm being shadowed by my past, reminding me of what I was and what I could become" to a sort of conversation of "I need someone to be my guide, listen to my voice, close your frightened eyes, hide behind my love for you, fear's only a choice, one that we all must make someday"

BREAKFAST - half•alive: Chosen as the title source for good reason; this song is all about vulnerability and the mortifying ordeal of being known, and practicing embracing the safety of leaving your heart in someone else's hands - starting out feeling reluctant and even panicky at the idea of openness ("I fled to the walls, yeah, be sure I'm surrounded, where no one can find me") to fighting your instincts and opening up no matter how hard it is, and being met with the reassurance of being seen and loved in all your complexity ("say you're open through tears and trembling, it's a major step, it's okay to fret, here's a safe place to lay your heart down"), and the reminder that messing up doesn't mean you've broken the relationship irreparably ("it's a second chance, it won't be your last"), which is a message Lockwood really needs to hear from Lucy in this fic, as they repeat old patterns with new endings

Lifeline - Angels & Airwaves: The forgiveness and gentleness Lucy offers Lockwood - "We all make mistakes, here's your lifeline"

Your Burden is Mine - Sarah Sparks, Kenny Komatsu: The doing life together part, a reminder that it's pride that intereferes with letting love in - "Don't spare me from anything, your burden is mine" / "Careful, my brother, there on your own, for it is a fool who suffers alone, there's none self-sufficient, only those who try, so swallow your pride, your burden is mine"

TrusT - half•alive: Ooh, this song absolutely messes me up re: redemption, and also unchanging adoration/stability even in the midst of conflict. Lockwood needs to hear it from a romantic relationship perspective ("rest and know the love you hold won't be taken back, no, how sweet the taste of certainty, the gift you gave is safe with me"), but it hits hard for me from a Christian theology perspective - and isn't that just the surprise theme of this fic, the ways marriage is meant as an echo of Christ's love for his bride, the Church. Also fits really well for this in-between space they find themselves in as they have an answer for the Problem yet are still working on the solution ("the tug of war in the now-not-yet... can you tell me why I feel this way? I have faith that the world I'm in will be redeemed again, but there's a weight that I can't explain, so tell me why I feel this way"), which I think is a tension in the background of most of my work in this particular series

The Kitchen - Tow'rs: For the imagery of dancing together in the kitchen as a way of making amends after a fight - "You made me dance in the kitchen with you, if I was the night then you were the moon"

What Home Feels Like - The Afters: Gosh this song is so CUTE, and that is the Locklyle vibe! Just the idea of finding home and belonging with the person you love - "There is no place I'd rather be for the first time in my life, I know what home feels like" / "No, I never wanna leave, 'cause I've found where I belong, this is what home feels like"

Let's Get Married - Bleachers: This is THE love post-trauma song, and fits the warmth of 35 Portland Row so well along with Lucy and Lockwood promising to make it work even when it's crazy hard, because they recognize where they're a little broken but they also believe building a life together is worth it

[periwinckles]

The Train Back to twelve - Chapter 18

(This is mainly a Thelly fic but I know some of you only want to read the Everlark bits. That is why I'm uploading the everlark chapters simultaneously to another work as well, to those of you that want to be saved from the Thelly drama. Enjoy.)

Week 10 - Katniss

When I wake up, the bed is empty beside me, and I sit up with a jolt. I'm always scared when I wake up and I don't see him right away, but the noise coming from the kitchen is enough reassurance.

He can't help himself from getting up early, and he beats me to it most of the time, but I'm still terrified every single time I wake up and he's not there. Of course I don't tell him this. He has enough burdens to carry and baking for the district is one of the few things that keeps him going.

When I reach the kitchen, I lean into one of the cabinets and silently observe him. He has his back turned to me, several loaves of bread already set aside on the counter, and several more inside the oven. He's still working on something, but it's not bread. I know his kneading movements by heart and that's not what he's doing right now.

The oven dings and when he opens it the familiar scent makes my mouth water.

"You made cheese buns?"

He's startled by my voice but quickly turns to a smile.

"Good morning! Did you sleep well?"

When I reach the counter I notice he has a tray set up, with a handful of berries I collected yesterday and some scrambled eggs sprinkled with rosemary. The plate is decorated with mustard flowers that he must have foraged close to Haymitch's backyard.

"The flowers are edible, I double checked your father's book. I know how particular you are with frivolous things." He tells me with a shy glance. Old Peeta would have smirked at this, maybe even given me a flirty wink. I need him to be back at his old self and sometimes I dare myself to believe he has. I told Dr Aurelius this the last time I talked to him and all he asked me was “Does it really matter if he never goes back to his old self? Are you going back to your old self?”

I guess not. But we still have this. Peeta making me cheese buns, like he used to.

"Is this for me? " I ask, but the answer is so obvious he doesn't bother to say it.

He finishes pouring the batter he was working with into a pan and placing it inside the oven.

"Is that a cake?" I ask curious as I try to catch a glimpse at the oven door.

"Yeah. Hum. Thom and Delly are coming for dinner tonight and I thought… Do you remember how last week he said he never tasted a birthday cake? I thought about making one for dessert today."

I smile at his thoughtfulness, and I am sure Delly will be delighted at his attempts to make Thom feel welcomed. This is just another thing that is so like old Peeta that it makes me hope again.

"So we're having birthday cake on a regular Friday?"

"That's the point of surviving isn't it? Enjoying life?" He asks me and we stay silent for a while. There are so many people who will never taste life again but I suppose he is right. That’s what surviving is all about isn’t it? Living?

"That cake is huge, I don't think the four of us can eat all of that." I tell him as he carefully places the cheese buns on the breakfast tray.

"Haymitch is coming too, he's been dying to have a chess match with Thom. And I thought they could take all the leftover cake back for the kids in camp. "

Peeta picks up the breakfast tray and then looks around unsure of himself.

"Well, you're out of bed now, so I guess the tray is useless…huh… do you want to…" He gestures to the kitchen table but an idea pops into my mind. He tried to do something special for me today and I don't want it to go to waste.

"Why don't we eat outside on the porch? It's nice today, and we'll get a bit of early morning sunlight."

The smile he gives me is so heartwarming that it's almost like I made him breakfast myself.

Peeta's house is the last one in Victor's village, and being on a high point means we get a full view of the forest. We watch it come to life as we savor each bite of our food.

"What day is it today?" I ask him. "I thought it was Thursday."

"It is." He tells me, popping a blueberry in his mouth.

That's strange, Delly and Thom usually come on Fridays. I ask him about it but he shrugs his shoulders in confusion as well.

"I don't know, I guess something must have come up and they can't make it tomorrow."

The wind picks up a bit, but other than that it's a beautiful spring day. Wildflowers are beginning to bloom everywhere. These were my mom’s favorite days as I would be able to gather most of her medicinal plants around this time of year.

"So what are your plans for the rest of the day? From the looks of it you already baked everything you needed to."

He looks at me with a smile and nods.

"Yeah, I was up early and I thought I might as well get that out of the way. I have to help for a bit, at the construction site this afternoon. Thom wants my help to draw some changes on the capitol’s blueprints for the buildings. Other than that, I'm free. "

Peeta has been back for more than a month now. We have breakfast and dinner together and we spend the nights together in the same bed, sometimes clinging to each other like the other’s arms was the only thing keeping us tethered to the world. But we never spend time together during the day.

"Do you want to come to the woods with me?" I ask him before I back down.

"For real?"

"Yeah, I don't have to hunt today, yesterday's spoil was big enough. I might still catch something for Sae, but you won't be a bother. We can bring the memory book and work on it for a bit, in the forest."

Read the rest on AO3

The train back to twelve

or

What would I do without you? (selected Everlark scenes from The train back to twelve)

[yupuffin]

Another observation for the book of "differences between my experiences in Genshin Impact and Star Rail that are neither complaints nor value judgments -- they're just interesting to note."

This is probably applies for most or all of the characters, but I'm speaking mostly about the men since I'm just a tad fruity 🏳️‍🌈✨

Genshin characters are generally really likable. A major factor of my attraction to a fictional man is how trustworthy I feel that he is, and I've found, with Genshin, that this rarely or never becomes a point of contention; a lot of them have aspects to their personality and/or story that are redeeming, ingratiating, and/or really just plain appealing.

That's how I ended up in love with eleven (and counting) Genshin men, which is absolutely unprecedented for me in any given franchise/piece of media.

Again, not a complaint.

Then there's Star Rail... I don't know very many of the characters, but I feel like, for the ones I do know, I HAVE OPINIONS ON THEM.

Kafka is terrifying and makes me want to run in the other direction. Blade is terrifying and makes me want to run in the other direction. Arlan is my son I must protect at all costs. Luka's my weird baby (meaning a few years younger than me) cousin with the robot arm that he wants to mod rockets into or something?? which is strangely wholesome. (Also accurate to the observation that amputees are the funniest people on the planet. You take EVERYONE with one arm only if you only have one arm to begin with!) Dr. Ratio is the insufferable, presumptuous jerk everyone thought Alhaitham was, so I can't call him delightful, per se, but he's so eccentric that he's very funny to observe regardless. (And whenever he's on my team, my siblings listening in comment on how mean he sounds. 😂)

As people, I don't like them, but I enjoy them as characters just because my opinions on them are so strong. 🤣

Again, still not a complaint.

But also, like. Someone on another platform observed that this is probably because Genshin has a target audience of "basically everyone," meanwhile Star Rail's is more niche. All the guys in Star Rail are so HOT. Dr. Ratio as a person bothers me but he's so physically attractive that I'd still let him kiss me breathless (at least once, just for the experience). This is as unprecedented as me having crushes on eleven guys from the same media simultaneously. 🤣

Don't even get me started on Dan Heng. I don't think I've ever been so attracted to a man 😶 ("Just a tad fruity" was an understatement made for dramatic effect.)

[fictionkinfessions]

Ah… Truthfully, I never actually expected any responses nor recognition to my confession. Not saying this is a bad thing! It's a pleasant surprise, but goodness, what a source to be from. The fact that we're out here really is simultaneously relieving yet saddening. I wouldn't wish what we've gone through upon anyone.

@ the Italy from /720765951338037248/… Hello, it's very nice to meet you! Being from both Hetaoni and the 13.5 Creepypasta (which is what I assume you are referring to, I apologize if I am wrong) must be terribly rough, to say the least. I'm sorry you've had to bear such terrifying events.

…And, like you, I've also witnessed some horrors in my own youth (and unfortunately still continue to). I'm glad you seem to have been faring decently though. I'm managing as best as I can too, and have actually caught myself jokingly comparing some of the horrors from my Hetaoni canon to the ones in this current life, haha.

Though, I think since we've been given the chance to be a little silly this time around, we should take it. I may compose myself quite seriously in this shift, but outside of it I overall consider myself a person full of whimsy and delightful horror ^^

///

@ the Italy from /720769835534073856/… Hello, it's very nice to meet you too! I don't know about you, but I've only recently kinfirmed having this canon. It has been about a week or two at most, which isn't that long, but the dread and loneliness has been eating me up. It's quite a miserable feeling.

If you've been dealing with this for far longer (which is what seems like is the case, based on how you worded your message), then I'm sorry. But you certainly aren't alone. You never have been, even if it felt like such. Not back then, and not now.

Italy/Feliciano, you were tough and resilient, through and through. I've no doubt you've inherited that strength into this world as well. This goes for both of you, and all the other instances of Italy/Feli out there, whether from Hetaoni or not. I don't care what anyone else says, and I'm quite stubborn, so nothing will really change my mind on this.

I wish both of you well, and once again, please take care of yourselves. I'm doing my best in that regard, I promise. 🤍 I will also do my best in getting back to any other responses I receive (from either of you or anyone else).

Shaking both your hands and hoping you both have a wonderful day/night.

-- 🌸 Kiku Honda (Hetaoni)

(I do actually see myself submitting more of my kin-related thoughts and feelings here. It is extremely nice to see sourcemates, even if it's behind a wall of anonymity.)

(…Also, I duly apologize for the length of this text.)

[kindafooey]

God I just. I love Käärijä and his vibes so much because there's so much like. Simultaneously aggressive and delightful and crazy and sweet. Almost machismo kind of turbo-masculinity and this flirty and fun and shameless femininity about the man all at the same time. He's short and harmless-looking and he roars into the mic while seducing the camera and it's just. It's INSANE and gnc and terrifying and beautiful and so so so much fun it's like his vibes are everything I've ever wanted my own vibes to be. I'm losing my mind

[thehatishere]

Found you 👀

I'm somehow simultaneously delighted and also terrified! 😂👀

[split-regardless]

the heartbreak and sadness is soul crushing but I find comfort in the chaos in a fucked up way. This is completely out of my control but free falling is more exhilarating than terrifying. Maybe I'm just a masochist, idk lol.

The best part of living this unstable life is that I know how to take care of myself while free falling. I'm an idiot and blow up every relationship one way or another and so yes, I do come here often.

it gets easier. the black keys "brothers" album, the urge to run the distance of canyon view twice, my desire for bananas, standing on my own two feet, starting that stupid book I've been wanting to write for 10 years, revisiting old photos I need to edit, picking up a camera. screaming out my car window singing my favorite songs. begging on the porch of my friends like an old ex to hang out.

> NOT PLAYING LEAGUE OF LEGENDS BECAYSE I SWEAR TO GOD !!!!!!!

< it's reinstalled

> FUCK !!!!!!!!

I feel like free falling comes with the misconception that you have to do it alone. First things first, external support is necessary. I am reaching out to friends, family & my medical care teams. Secondly, I'm not alone here up in the sky. I still consider myself plural and I have me and I cannot be more delighted to see my own reflection. To hold my own hand. This is the first time the reflection is crystal clear. This is the first time I see the person behind the hand pulling me out of this hole, and it's me.

Fuck. Yeah.

Being chucked out of the plane was the best thing that could have happened to me right now.

I've already "lost it all" in the past, and that's comforting. The world isn't over and I've already proven to myself that nothing can keep me down. I always get back up, and I already feel the ground beneath my feet.

I'm hot, I'm funny, I'm cool and most importantly I'm strong enough to move mountains with my pinky finger.

yeah, externally looking at this is - it looks like it's the worst that my life has ever been. Going through TWO relationship breakups simultaneously is complicated and I've really made a mess of it all.

The BPD and aggressive alters (∅) have been out of control. ∅ tried to take my "despite everything, it's still you" motto and turn it onto me. I'm the center of all the chaos in my life. I know I'm the common denominator. ∅ told me I'm a liability to everyone I've ever loved, and that I will never change. Looking at the evidence, it's hard to believe that things will change and that I'm not the worst person to ever exist. I really and truly didn't see a way out (because I believed that nothing is going to ever change) and I had a plan to kill myself.

I was on my knees at (what I believed to be) the end of the line because of how irreparably broken I've felt my entire life and how right I feel in that.

Realizing seeds aren't chains and detaching my worth on what could be is the only thing that saved my life.

A chain while free falling has you plummeting to your death. A seed while you're falling does ,,, well ,,, nothing. A seed doesn't require energy or attention and it's not something you should prioritize about while falling like this. It's not heavy. This is exactly how it should be. If it's me or this stupid fucking seed, I'm picking me.

this is one of the shittiest things that I've gone through emotionally, but the universe is looking me in the eyes and saying "trust me". It's just me and the universe in these free falling moments and so I just have to agree enthusiastically. Fuck it, right? Falling like this restores faith in myself because nobody's going to catch me.

Do you know how many times it was up to me to stop my falling?

Every single time.

This restored conference in myself made me realize that the fall is an illusion in itself. I've spent my entire life holding onto and cultivating thousands of these seeds (even seeds I'm not even fully aware of) and letting them determine my worth or who I should be. I've lost touch with the millions of plants in my garden.

This garden doesn't only represent my connections with others. It represents my creative ideas. It represents everything I've been and everything I want to be. I am just the big plant in the middle. If I let fear and hate grow, I've seen it only plague other plants. If I focus on 1 seed, I lose touch with the rest. It's a balancing act.

Rubbing my eyes reveals the entrance to this garden during the fall I'm going through right now. I'm at the entrance of my garden, feeling ashamed that "I lost it all" again. I feel a lot of pressure when I think about the needs of this garden, and feel worthless of what I have to offer to this garden - because only thing that I brought with me is myself.

My garden is rejoiced because this is more than I've ever brought to the entrance before. They're proud. They're telling me that I'm silly because it's never been about what I can provide. It's out of true belief in me.

I can't help but laugh and cry like a maniac because this collective garden is saying "welcome home" when I thought I had nothing. This is where my hope and worth should be. Not seeds, not chains. Not the expectations that the only thing I'm good for is what I have to provide.

This is something I am capable of, and I can do anything I put my mind to - to include being good.

I can feel the gravity underneath my feet and the magic coming out of my fingertips and for the first time, it's for nobody but myself.

Despite everything, it's still me.

And that's a good thing.

[televinita]

I forgot to mention this! We went to the zoo last week, and despite planning so wrong we only had 3 hours, the following delightful things happened:

-The lynx was sitting on a rock ledge closer to the window than he's ever been. Got to see his lovely murder mittens in detail.

-One of the mountain lions was strolling back and forth right next to the glass, so I got to be as close to one of these cats as is humanly possible without a death wish. The other was at the top of the rock ledge staring down at us, also as close as you can be to a sight that is amazing and would be hella terrifying without a barrier.

-One of the giant grizzly bears started casually strolling toward us, which is a sight so simultaneously cool/terrifying even with the glass I cannot convey it. He then got into the pool (which is right up against the glass), submerged himself up to the neck and proceeded to do an impromptu performance, splashing about and at one point going to the shallow end and rolling over, sticking his great big back feet up in the air.

-For added effect - since this was officially the "Russia's Grizzly Coast" exhibit - a man with a full-on Russian accent was also viewing the exhibit (he chuckled to a kid nearby that the bear was "taking his bath before supper.")

-Less terrifying but still cool, a pair of wolverines were chasing each other pell-mell through their exhibit.

-Also I got to pet one (1) goat in the farm area. Worth it.

-There was a Jurassic-Park-level chorus of honk-calling going on in one of the tropical bird cages, and I'm not sure who all joined in but the hornbill at the top of the cage, beak pointed straight up in the air, was definitely an instigator, and kept bugling on and off for about ten minutes straight. (sample audio so you too can experience it!)

-Our main impetus in going was to check out the new "treetop trail" aka elevated walking platform, following the course the monorail used to take. Not as cool as the monorail, tbh, and whatever material they use for the flooring must conduct static electricity like whoa, because every time I touched one of the railings I got zapped and it hurt. We didn't see many animals from it, and the few we did would have been better served by taking the regular path to get closer. BUT. Its main benefit is being a really pretty path and level path through a lot of wooded areas (fall after the bugs mostly die is DEFINITELY the right time to go), as well as crossing over a big pond, and getting to enjoy the landscape over a lot of staff-only areas that were previously unseen.

Plus, we managed to pick possibly the last day of the year where the high was in the seventies, a.k.a. perfect weather, and infinitely less crowded than trying to go in the summer.