#I'm not ready for this for 2 reasons
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If this fool (endearing) doesn't get his fucking hands off my fucking son, I'm gonna fucking snap—
#I'm not ready for this for 2 reasons#1) megumi getting a first taste of a true awakened heavenly pact#2) I DON'T WANNNA SAY BYE TO MY HUSBAND AGAIN NOOOOOOOOOIIOOOO#i hate it here sm dawg fucking god 😭😭😭😭#𝑯𝒐𝒔𝒉𝒊 ˖⁺‧₊˚🎐˚₊‧⁺˖ 𝑫𝒊𝒂𝒓𝒚#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk s2#jujutsu kaisen season 2#megumi fushiguro#toji fushiguro#jjk spoilers#jjk s2 spoilers#jujutsu kaisen spoilers#jjk megumi#jjk toji
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SOOOOO excited to shave my head BRIMMING with excitement for it WAITING until i get back from my filipino family xmas because i wanna look even vaguely like my fam lmao but as soon as i'm home HELLO to my clippers and the peroxide that's been waiting in my cupboard and HELLO to all this buzzcut inspo
#loren talks#you may say loren. why do that when you'll be returning to an English Winter and to that i say wooly hats were invented for a reason#i spent almost 2 years having hair and i'm DONE#i want to go back to coming out of the shower and being like woop a bit of a towel dry and im READY to go#also realistically i'm just gonna do it solid pink but like i enjoy dreaming
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I'm not ready to shut up about Aveline and Carver--so, when you go see Aveline in Act 1, you can catch up with her a little bit and that's where this conversation can happen:
Aveline: "It's just one more change, though. The real end for me was Ostagar. What about you, Carver? You were there. Do you feel something similar?" Carver: No. Aveline: All right, then. Bit of a tit, your brother.
I wanted to see what she would say if Carver isn't in the party. Instead, she says this:
Aveline: Carver was there. I imagine he feels something similar. If he allows it.
......well, at least she didn't call him a tit?
#dragon age 2#da2#carver hawke#aveline vallen#she's slightly nicer to him when he's not there but she's still like 'maybe he feels something similar but probably pretends not to'#like i'm not gonna pretend that carver doesn't bottle any feelings--he doesn't openly talk about bethany a lot for a reason#but to suggest he pretends to be unfeeling about things like ostagar is incorrect like he CLEARLY feels a lot about it#because he associates the battle at ostagar with losing his home and sister to the darkspawn#after playing as a warrior hawke who is best friends with aveline i do have a little more insight into why she might think this about carve#when hawke is a warrior they were at ostagar. they share that traumatic experience with aveline and if they're friends#they discuss it in a way that i think aveline *wants* y'know? but with carver he doesn't respond the way she wants him to#so she gets frustrated since even if she tried to talk to hawke about it... hawke wasn't there. hawke doesnt KNOW what ostagar#was like but carver does... but it's like aveline is ready to assume the worst of carver a lot of the time?#like 'carver doesn't talk about it because he's a tit who pretends not to feel' is the vibe i get from this but aveline...#that's like calling you a tit because you don't want to openly discuss all your feelings about your dead husband#listen aveline and carver are so similar but they have such key differences like they both survived the horror of ostagar#and lost a loved one to darkspawn while fleeing lothering AND they both blame hawke for it to a degree#even though they both know that's not right and that it wasn't really hawke's fault#they're both stubborn warriors with daddy issues looking to find their place#and when it comes to flirting? well i don't think carver's as bad as aveline#but i played MotA i know all about 'you could tame its wild heart'#but the key differences come in how they the end the game y'know? especially if carver's on the friendship path as a warden#i still haven't made him a templar but something tells me he ends up more on the same road as aveline#vs when he's a grey warden and able to be away from kirkwall and find a place on his own#y'all i could write a whole essay on aveline and carver but i paused my game to write this so i should go back to that sksksk
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As much as I love reading feminist history, it's downright depressing to see just how cyclical women's liberation and patriarchal domination is: the moment women start shaking off the chains, men replace those chains using the same methods, their threats and acts of violence and their ridicule, every. single. time.
#i have thoughts that i'm not quite ready to put into words yet#but patriarchy tries to convince us that we were absent from the development of society#and that men's inheritance of 'social progression' is men's inheritance alone - women don't have an inheritance#but that's untrue for two reasons:#(1) women were intrinsic to the development of society and our absence from any record says about male record-keeping than female presence#(2) we inherited a gender-specific tale of liberation from our foremothers that (white) men never had#women have been fighting the same battles for hundreds of years and no matter how hard patriarchy represses our narratives and histories#and they haven't come up with a way to force us to stop
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now i can see why it took them forever to finally have highschool frenemy out on table. it has everything, feels wise, that i've been looking for in a drama. but mostly: the frenemy chemistry among all casts is just ✨ but then. it's a p'fon directed show so no surprise here.
#april.txt#highschool frenemy#highschool frenemy the series#hsf#i thought i was too old for teenage feud but here i am ready to check for myself that it's a solid show#who knows this could actually make me watch school 2013#do i care it's (technically) not a bl. i don't.#i kinda wished for a homeschool season 2 for a reason i'm 1000% sure is different from the rest of the fandom but this will do i think.
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i'm seeing three times as many people bitching in the tag about the very idea that someone might not like this breed than i see people actually expressing unambiguous dislike for this breed
#the preemptive counter-bitchers are consistently orders of magnitude meaner and more uncharitable about it too#like i'm convinced at this point these people just have these counter-bitches ready to go on launch regardless of actual reception#it's starting to feel like they just fill out a generic “what moral failing can i accuse the potential idea of dislikers of” template#and post it as soon as the thing's out whether or not anyone actually complains much less the way they accuse people of#these people are getting to the point that even when it's about something i unambiguously *like* i still have to resist the urge#to comment “fr staff aren't gonna fuck you bro”#there's like 11 different posts all insisting that the only reason anyone could dislike the new breed is fatphobia#meanwhile i scrolled down the entire tag and found like 2. maybe 3 people that even mentioned it in the same post as disliking the breed#before anyone gets ideas i'm generally-neutral-to-appreciative of the attempt at moldbreaking on the breed#and am completely indifferent the weight of dragons. the only thing i care about is if the design is original and interesting#a vast majority of the dislike posts i've seen so far have been in the vein of “nah man this one's just not for me” or “too maggot”#or “i hoped for an eldritch horror”. and there's not that many of these dislike posts in general. especially compared to normal.#meanwhile the counter-bitching has all been like “YOU'RE ALL JUST GREEDY UNPLEASABLE ENTITLED WHINY BABY FATPHOBES DIE MAD”#it's like this every time and i feel like it takes less and less to get people going like this every time#it almost feels like they get angrier faster the *less* anyone actually complains in the first place#a behavior pattern i'm well versed in from experience with my mother#and they always seem to get angriest at the most mild polite complaint posters rather than any of the actually questionable ones#like they'll ignore someone spouting clear fatphobia to go fling bigotry accusations at someone who just said “eh i kinda hoped for scary”#they also consistently have a bad case of “fr players are a monolith who all ask for the same things”-brain#i don't know what it is that makes it so fr players are so insecure about liking anything that the possible existence of anyone who doesnt#makes them feel like they're being directly attacked#flight rising#i suspect it's downstream of a similar kind of “we know if we don't get what we want we lose our chance because the devs are fickle” thing#to the fundamental flaw that doomed the minecraft mob votes
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no promises anymoooooreeeee i'll appear online when i appear online 😭 every time i say "ooh i think life is almost done being overwhelming!" it. becomes even more overwhelming in the dumbest ways. all i can manage rn when i'm not stressing myself into a shut-down state is staring at the wall while listening to youtube essays + mindlessly crocheting.
i might queue up ppls art and fics w/o commentary in the tags... i want other ppl to see what all of my cool friends have made, but i genuinely can't think right now with this monstrous brain fog. i'm really sorry, just. yeah. maybe i'll think of some way to make it up later!!! once the dust has settled!!!! but until then i wuv u and miss u. smiles.
[venting in tags including familial manipulation and ableism. i. didn't mean to write all of that, thiss was originally going to be a main blog post but. aaaaaAAAAAA!!!!!
also no need for replies or anything, i'd turn them off for just the one post if i could kjsndkn, i just needed to get things out and go eep jsjndsfdn ok bye bye bye bye!!!!]
#goddd my family finds it sooooooo funny that i can't do basic tasks! it's soooo funny that i can't even think of a horror movie to watch#on halloween bc i genuinely can't remember a single one right now. it's soooo funny that i can't take cardboard boxes or#old furniture out of my room without help bc i've physically and mentally and emotionally burnt out for Months.#and me not being able to move shit out after two (2) days makes me a hoarder somehow. and ofc hoarding is a moral failing#and my mom has to give me a stern talking-to about hoarding things... that were. again. in my room for 2 days....#[tbc it isnt a moral failing no matter the reason. life is hard and things happen and it can be hard to get rid of things for Reasons.]#nevermind them making constant snide remarks about me using ugly 'mismatched' desk / storage furniture. bc it was free / cheap? no income??#AND!!!!! i have a couple of new diagnoses. which doesn't change much day to day but it does make my family making fun of me#even more dumbfounding. like. this explains a lot of really scary unexplained symptoms that constantly leave me#housebound for weeks but uhhh haha hehe hoho??? so silly so funny that i'm barely conscious for multiple weeks???#and you can see that i'm getting worse but that makes it funnier??? hmm!!!#also nevermind that i've told them the exact reason why i've been like this (read: them) but that ALSO makes it funnier somehow.#but i also can't say shit bc they're doing something ~nice~ for me (out of convenience + after almost a decade of 'don't get comfortable'#and 'don't decorate this room bc it isn't yours' and 'you need to be ready to move out by x date'#only for the date to arrive and them to pull the 'i never said that. and if i did say it i didn't mean it like that.#and if i did mean it like that i don't anymore.' card. + any big renovations are things they wanted anyway. hmmmm!!#and how i have to do all of the phys labor alone bc if i ask for help i get made fun of!!! and yelled at that i'm doing things Wrong#(hint: i'm following instructions to the letter but. my family knows better than those silly things!! ^^ ))#jfc i sure did rant. uh. yeah. things. are really weird and uncomfy and i feel thankful that i finally can have my own things on display#outside of closets and bins again after a decade?? but i'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop / them to tell me i owe them in#some way??? bc that's how it works. 'i'm doing a nice thing you didn't even ask me for so now you have to do whatever i tell you to.'#meanwhile i can't even maladaptive daydream my way through it bc my brain is soup right now. can't remember basic things abt#my interests bc i've been on negative battery / spoons for a couple of months straight and it's only getting worse.#OKAY TLDR i'm not in a state to do anything until everything irl gets settled. and i'm trying So Hard to get it all over with but there's#only so much i can do in a day before i completely shut down. i didn't even get into the insurance stuff i've been fighting too ughhhh.#so if i show up on here in short spurts -- hi! bye! hi!! i wuv and care u!!! hope youre well mwah mwah!!!!!!! i'll post what i can and then#disappear when i need to recharge. it is what it is. i need to try to sleep now... uh if this post disappears when i wake up.... yeah......#📌 [ my posts. ]#💭 [ my thoughts. ]#vent -
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Okay, got tickets for D20's Seattle show. So, that's done.
#sort of#i did try to get 2 extra tickets because#well for reasons i can't say actually#so erin you might say why would you buy tickets for the group#well i'm not ready to say why out loud yet sooooooooo#saying this is weird enough#but yeah couldn't buy 2 extra tickets when i'd already bought 4#so i'll try get get 2 extras on another round i guess#or maybe i'll have my brother buy them and give him the money#this is a complicated situation#anyway i really want to go but yeah
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very few 'parenting' things frustrate me more than parents who give their screaming kids an ipad, but I think "emotionally neglectful for 20 years and then wondering why their kid isn't thriving/adjusting to adulthood well, so they try to make up for it by being an overbearing helicopter parent" might take the cake.
#at least be consistent in your parenting style#ughhh#'oh no i neglected my kid for 20 years/was unstable (and still am!) and now they aren't thriving. surely it is the vieo gamez and not me'#i s2g if i break up with my partner their mother will be one of the reasons#the sucky thing is generational trauma hopefully gets distilled through each subsequent generation but it is the parents' job#to choose whether they are 1) financially ready and 2) emotionally ready to make that change and give their kids a better life#my grandpa grew up digging through trash for things to eat and decided when he had kids he would not be mean like his dad#and that they would have food on the table#my partner has literally said his mom 'just wanted a kid' and basically baby-trapped his dad#and she was like... in her mid-30s by this point#insane. insane. insane.#i understand baby fever and all that but at least make sure you are in a stable relationship first??#and also my partner's WHOLE FAMILY is like this#just... generation after generation of awful upbringings and kids rebelling and having kids too young and getting in bad relationships and#dealing with undiagnosed mental health disorders#maybe we should just break up at this point idk#delete later#i think i am freaking out because i got news about a possible health scare about one of my own family members so i'm spiraling#thanks for letting me vent. again#if my crap is too annoying PLEASE unfollow me#i don't keep a diary because i'm too immature to do that and thrive on others' validation and i am too broke for therapy#delete later maybe#i might keep this one up just so i can look back on it in a few weeks and be like 'girl u need meds' like hells yeah i do#a good thing that happened today is i avoided my urge to drink the half bottle of wine in the fridge#irish genes be gone from me today muahahaha
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perpetual chicken and egg question are you not writing fanfiction because you're depressed or are you depressed because you're not writing fanfiction. write fanfiction and find out today
#personal#liz loves writing#i think it's the former i think it's seasonal it's got to be seasonal!!!!!!!!#but i wrote 1k of envesseled yesterday and like#it wasn't even a good 1k if i'm being honest like it was a bad set of words#but i felt SO much better. i didn't even get mad when i got into bed to find my cat had puked on the bedspread#having to remake my entire bed when im ready to sleep normally turns me into number one grouch and i didnt care#slept well got up at a reasonable hour and everything#the effect is starting to wear off which means i need to write another 1000 words but I Dont Wanna. must be seasonal.#man remember when i was banging out 2 an 3 thousand every day easily? i miss that.#anyway maybe it's the weather here...it's been like 70+ for 3 days now thanks climate change
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I am so beyond ready to quit this job. Wednesday cannot come fast enough.
#to be fair it's bc school starts again in a few weeks#but idk. every day at this office feels like sandpaper on my skin. people always ask me shit i dont understand#and every case is so individual there's no set checklist to follow to troubleshoot#so most of the time I just grind my gears and get stuck#it'd busy more days than not.#and it was advertised to me as data entry only. client interactions was not what i signed up for.#it's all client interaction.#we're short staffed so nobody gets to take the back office and have a break.#when we weren't short staffed i was the new guy and only got 1 day in the back a week while everyone else got 2.#all my coworkers are conservative but talk like they're apolitical.#i thought it'd be fulfilling bc im helping people get benefits#but many are rude or impatient as any other service job. I'm constantly trying to direct people that don't want to listen#or explain the intricacies of something i barely understand.#and i don't want to lead people astray bc you have to start over if you blow a deadline.#but there's just nothing redeeming that i enjoy.#i hate customer service. i hate constantly asking questions. i like seldom few of my coworkers.#i can't be me at work.#and i don't care about the work itself anymore.#this job made me cry every day for weeks last month from sheer stress and overstimulation.#i almost cried myself sick several times.#the only reason I'm not there anymore is bc i dont fucking care anymore.#it took me 2 months to burn out. 2 months!#i was training for half of that!!#idk. everyone decided i was smart and could pick it up quickly so. even though everyone else got 4-6 weeks of shadowing#you can make do with 3 before you start doing stuff solo.#which feels unfair. i wasn't ready for it. and i resent the decision quite a bit.#plus it's been a nightmare for me in terms of external stressors and my generally deteriorating mental health. so.#all in all. i hate it here.#and i can't wait to turn in my notice so i can gtfo in 2 weeks#i am so tired. free me. let me go back to my music please
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I don't think just thinking about my work should cause me a panic attack bad enough to nearly make me faint.
I don't think the work environment that produces that reaction should be considered a good one
#My manager overrided the scheduling system to give almost everyone who's off on Saturdays an early morning Saturday parade shift#Her reasoning is that “If you can't work Saturdays you shouldn't be working anywhere at all”#Which is bizarre for multiple reasons but also her boss is completely fine with us having Saturdays off#But he can't do anything about this because he's in Hawaii#Which also leads to other things that need to be unpacked such as how he can afford that while we're getting paid 10 an hour minus tips#But anyways I have a closing shift before Saturday which meaning I won't be home till around 12#And ive done some calculations based off of how long it takes me to get ready before and after a shift#And it seems like I'll only have about 5 hours of sleep max between the two shifts#Not to mention that the day after closing shifts I can barely walk due to the strain of the previous night#So that will heavily effect the morning shift#And on Saturday I also have another thing to go two 2 hours after I get off of work#I've asked twice if someone could cover my shift with no reply despite others being answered within seconds#I'm going to fucking die y'all
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Okay so Twinkle Kuuchuusen is AMAZING (as expected and I will try to gather my thoughts about it later), but THE SOLOS OH MY GOD THE SOLOS AND THE LYRICS I'M!!!
They both reference 2x2 a lot, and you can see their development so much from their previous solos! There's a big theme of acceptance and both and they're driving me crazy with it!
Hinata's '"street" being bathed in blue and how he accepts it as a part of himself before declaring he's going to light it up with colors because he'll love himself even more!!! The way he doesn't try to gloss over the negative but decides he'll stick to his positive worldview while taking everything in stride! How he knows now that no matter how far they drift their hearts will always reconnect!
And Yuta walking the line between two worlds confidently, not looking back into the shadow of days past and pushing ahead into the unknown! Going all out and no longer suppressing his feelings, engraving them into his heart and making bold decisions as himself! The way he connects their worldviews with their differing light, knowing someone will always be at his back no matter what!
If there was ever any doubt within me about the future of 2wink, I feel like these solos resolved it. They really have come to a temporary truce and peace with each other, they'll stay together while continuing to push and compete in their separate ways. These songs feel like letters to each other almost, about how they're able to move forward with their own worldviews without shame, but will always hold the other close. And even if they do come to that breaking point in the future, after the dust has settled, they'll still be there watching the night sky - in a much better place than where they started.
#i have so much i could say here on god#my breath literally caught when hinata sang “I'll love myself even more” like PLEASE DO YOU DESERVE SO MUCH I'M SO PROUD OF YOU#i am so pleased with the direction they took yutas in it captures his new personality and motivation with the way he still cares so well#2wink climax was amazing but it also scared and emotionally broke me so i am so happy that the solos are what i hoped#people debate !! era writing which is reasonable but god. !! era 2wink has NEVER missed honestly they did them so well#hinata and yuta being so underrated always baffles me bc my valkaloidp ass is always so ready to dissect and appreciate them#2-3rd fav unit they are so good i need the fandom to appreciate them more please#my ohshc manga hitachiin roots may be showing here but damn it a well-done codependency-breaking sibling arc will always get me#enstars#ensemble stars#ensemble stars music#enstars solos#2wink#hinata aoi#yuta aoi#yuuta aoi#raelyn rambles
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I went looking and couldn't find any record of me ever actually posting this on tumblr, oops, but a couple years back I wrote this thread on twitter about how Emmeryn's sacrifice absolutely is not supposed to teach Chrom (or Robin, for that matter) that "sacrifice is necessary" or anything like that and mmmm for reasons I am getting Upset about it again so asdfghjkl I'll actually share the Rant with my tumblr followers this time.
#i'm sorry i'm sorry it's just then whenever i see anyone say that chrom didn't “learn his lesson” about sacrifice from emmeryn i freak out#it's such a common take too??? well okay idk if it's “common” or if i just keep running into a niche take but either way i've seen it a lot#i could also get into (i think i have before at some point) that when robin says “what is one life when weighed against millions?” it's...#it's actually a misquote of emmeryn's “you each have but one life and i do not wish it weighed against mine.”#and despite sounding similar it actually has a directly opposite meaning#emmeryn's saying her life is not more important than anyone else's but robin's saying that their life is less important than everyone else'#also robin does NOT in fact believe in sacrificing for the greater good. look at their supports with virion. and walhart too actually#when chrom tells aversa that one person's life means nothing in the shadow of millions he's basically parroting robin#except neither he nor robin believe that. that's what they say when they feel powerless. like when emmeryn was on that cliff#(also the game literally does call out the hypocrisy? aversa points out he didn't feel that way when his sister was on the line...#like... you're supposed to notice...)#anyway sorry for vagueblogging but do note that i've had this take for 2 years (and well... longer but it took me a while to write it out)#and dang it i have a certain blog BLOCKED but sometimes i go to my mutuals blogs directly and for some reason tumblr still shows me reblogs#anyway normally i would keep my mouth shut it's just that i already had this one ready to go from 2 years ago asdfghjkl
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........creachure
#cats#his eyes are always so big and weird he no longer looks like a cat anymore sometimes.. in a way...#it's hard to understand.. complicated vibes on this boy#his summer sprawl (laying flopped out on the floor weird because of the heat)#I AM still trying to get some costumes done and also post another poll advtnure so I can finally finish it lol#the weather this month has just been soooo.... There was the heat wave and then after like 2 days of coolenss where I was like 'ah! finally#I can be productiv!' but just as soon as I had recovered from the heat.. it got hot again ghhhh#currently sweating inside. I actually had to leave my doctors appointment early today because I was just so so warm from#sitting in the car and the fac tthat half the buildings still do not have their air up very high and etc. and I felt so nausous#and flushed and started to get back and stomach pains for some reason.. Which I guess is good in a way to further confirm to doctors that#I Have Something Wrong With Me lol (most normal people should not be this heat sensitive I think) but is also still a little stinky#because I still payed a copay for the fulla appointment time but cit it short by leaving 15minues early.. grrr#ANYWAY. It seems like recently it's just hot all the time but it will ocasionally tempt you with a cool day of reprieve BUT don't let your#guard down! because as soon as you start to think 'hey things are getting better! :0' the sun will be like NO actualy. scalding temperature#be upon ye..#Which of COURSE. I would rather have hot weather with little breaks in between than just constant hot weather. 100% definitely.#but it just always makes me sad because I get my hopes up lol.. JUST as I've recovered from the past heat and am So Ready To Start#On All My Things now That I'm Not As Sick And Hey Maybe It's Even Cool Enough To Do A Costume! .. my hopes are dashed#.. woe and so on and so forth. . Which I am stil managing to get a few things done but just.. not the things I really WANT to do (costumes.#sculptures. edit videos. etc. ).#anyway.. look at son.. If nothing else I still have lots of cat photos.. my sole productivity offerings to the internet online world
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today I learned that my nightmares can be cool inspiration for at least one horror game
Here's this morning's concept: an Escape Room Tower, where every floor is a new puzzle. It's gimmicky with haunted house vibes. But wait that's not all!
Your friends are mysteriously disappearing and coming back as horrifically disfigured monsters! now you have to finish the puzzles and survive in order to reach the top to get to the exit! oh and the gimmicky horror vibes become,, not gimmicky. that is real gore now.
#legit i woke up. laid there#and went “huh I'd watch someone play that”#i dont play horror games <3 i watch them (except fnaf)#but anyway yeah i thought id write it down a little#get the nightmare out of my system while having fun with the concept ya know?#and it worked! but i spent the last 2 hours conceptualizing this non existent game instead of trying to go back to sleep#fun fact! this hypothetical horror game has 17 endings!#i had waaay too much fun coming up with endings yall#oh lemme know if you want me to talk about this more! i plan to at least post the endings with or without context XD#there were four people (including me or whoever i was idk I'm rarely Me in dreams)#two of them were clowns???? for some reason???????#one of the clowns got yoinked 😔 then he tried to kill us (the other clown) on the next puzzle.#oh i should do achievements next...#no! not now. ive been up so long i actually need to start getting ready for my day out sigh#literally my alarm just went off lmao#typing out loud#Nightmare Horror Game Edition
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