#I'm not my system is fucked and I need to go to the doctor
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Oh yeah I wrote the words again btw :)
Frank finally decides to open up about their feelings - to his best friend.
#innisart#welcome home#welcome home fanfic#frank frankly#julie joyful#maybe someday I'll feel good about this#right now I just feel anxious and sad#it's probably just PMS LMFOA I'm fine I'm fine#I'm not my system is fucked and I need to go to the doctor#but it's chill y'know#I'm a resilient wee fecker#I'm like a cockroach#which would mean Frank would like me :)#yay :)
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#Ruining the semi normal sleep schedule I'd managed 2 keep going for like a week cus of paranoia 😎#This is ofcthe one time I'm like Actually fucking sleepy#I shocked myself earlier n am in a spiral about the whole “even a semi small shock can fuck up ur heart hours or days later” thing#Which idk if thats unreasonable paranoia or like normal n smart#The internet is 50/50 on it lol#Mom says im being paranoid. Called a like phone nurse about it who said it'd be smart 2 get it checked just 2 be safe#But it's late and doesn't feel serious enough for the er?#Also the er is hell. U just sit there for Hours waiting n then get looked at for 5 minutes told n2 wait even more n then told 2 just go hom#So I am just kinda... existing.. until stuff opens n I can hopefully see a doctor about it or something:)#And cus I was already feeling kinda sick Before the shock I can't be sure if I actually have any symptoms of something worrying#AAAAND my anxiety about the whole thing is making me over analyze every heartbeat or muscle twitch#N tricking my brain into believing shit that's not real#I wanna nap so bad but my brain won't let meee#Ok ramble is done... I just needed 2 get this out of my system somewhere...#Can u believe I use 2 think I didn't have anxiety?? I was all Oh yeah I'm Super chill 😎 while sirens played in my head 24/7#rambles
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anyway. nothing is wrong with me because I made it all up :) of course :)
#vents !!?#what's the point in feeling anything if no one is gonna care or take it seriously#so I'm cured!#right??#that's the logic they're using#“if we stop giving him attention for his symptoms they'll go away”#they said 6 years ago#or like#15#but guess what!#symptoms are still here!#and worse now!#MAYBE#ignoring me every time I needed even the most BASIC of things is how I developed needy attention seeking egomaniac disorder#you fucking frauds#/nbh#I'm yelling at the psych system and also my doctor here
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There are literally 3 euros left on my bank account
#i should get tax refund and pay for my summer job this week i guess i'll survive#still stressful as hell though#i don't want to complain too much cause i know i'm privileged living in a country with a broad social security system#but it's also chaotic and bloated as fuck with a million different benefits and no one understanding how it works#my previous social security benefit ended in may so i had to apply for a new different one#but i needed a medical certificate for it and only had doctor's appointment last week#and getting the decision on that application takes time so meanwhile i applied for the last resort income support#but my application for that was rejected for unknown reasons and i complained about the decision but it's still in progress#so now i'm just waiting here with no money from anywhere whatsoever 🤷#bro what they expect me to do#go begging from the church? go shoplifting?#if this post is incoherent to you i feel the same#keanu.txt
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My life feels like one case of "Hey I reallyyyy should've taken this medical condition a lot more seriously when I was first diagnosed with it" after the next 🙃
#my digestive system is all fucked up#I didn't start taking IBS meds until like... this year 💀#even though they'd been prescribed to me for several years already#and now the waiting lists for doctors are ridiculous#even my usual 'doctor' is actually a nurse who is limited in what he can do to help me#the last time I ignored a medical issue I ended up needing an emergency surgery sooo... that was fun 🙃#now I'm finally trying to stay on top of my IBS but I feel so sick and unmotivated every day#I wouldn't be surprised if there's something else making me sick too#maybe the bacteria??#idk#the painsomnia is so bad every night#I don't know when and how it's finally going to stop hurting if ever#this is seriously the worst...
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i have acquired a mystical and powerful ointment (hydrocortisone cream) from the village herbalist (rite aid) to assist with the curse set upon my bloodline from many generations ago (eczema)
#feel free to reblog#ironically this is the one thing i know the least about and it's the one i've known about for sure for the longest#never seen a doctor for it (everything online says you probably should) because my parents never took me#they told me that's what it was because that's what my dad had and it looked close enough#they also said i'd grow out of it like my dad did (just as he was growing back into it hmmmmm)#so i'm not like shocked that this is cropped up again i'm mostly like. annoyed? and sad.#i'm annoyed because like - they treated it so casually it was a non issue#get some anti-itch cream moisturize etc#and be quiet about it until it goes away#so it came back every now and then and i stopped telling them i was getting flare ups i'd just get into dad's cortizone and put some on#until it went away#there was never like a plan or a regimine in place for how to deal with it#dad's whole routine was preventative (lots and lots of baby oil) with the steroid cream you pick up at the pharmacy if there was a flare#and i didn't even know when he'd get a flare because it never got brought up - so i didn't know to look for patterns or anything#and now it's hitting me and has been for probably longer than i realized and i'm just like#*how do i take care of this???* *why is it not going away???*#and like yes i absolutely should also still see a doctor about it just to like. Fucking get shit in my records#jesus christ the realization that eczema isn't even probably in my medical records fucking hell#IT'S IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT'S AN IMMUNE RESPONSE AND DOCTORS PROBABLY NEED TO KNOW I'VE GOT A FUCKY IMMUNE SYSTEM IF THAT'S A THING#LIKE CHRIST IN HEAVEN MOM AND DAD A TRIP TO THE DOCTOR IS LIKE NORMAL FOR SMALL CHILDREN#FOR FUCKS SAKE WHY DID I NEVER SEE A DOCTOR AS A CHILD FUCKING MARY MOTHER OF GOD MA WHAT THE FUCK
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"was there a reason you didn't cancel this" honestly I thought I had so no there wasn't a reason but also if clients are going to have Your personal number and reach out to You about canceling (when they Should be reaching out via email per our cancelation policy) then You should be canceling the appt anyway imo. all the other trainers cancel their appointments AND add their appointments to the system 🤪
#noah.txt#also I do realize my annoyance is unwarranted but also I'm sosososo tired of this job#she's thinking about closing down for a month for renos and she's not going to pay anyone for that month#and she's not sure if she's going to set it up where we can file unemployment or if she's going to#make us be freelancers under the company name#also she booked an appt but didn't put it in the system and didnt Tell Me and someone put in a booking request for that day/time#and it's frustrating b/c the whole reason she wanted clients to be able to book via the online portal is to#make my job easier/more automated but it's not easier when I'm having to email 5 clients because she cant be fucked to learn the system#then I'm talking to a coworker about how my doctor said I need to get my stress down#and she has the AUDACITY to ask me if she's contributing to the stress#like... yeah you're like the primary stressor in my life because I got hired for an hourly position 2 years ago#yet you treat me like I'm a salary employee who is supposed to be on call#and yeah it's frustrating and stressful to feel like I can never fully relax b/c you might need something#and it's even more frustrating when the things she needs she'll call me about. I won't answer b/c I'm busy#then I'll call her back and she'll be like ''oh I looked for it after I got voicemail''#okay so you don't THINK to do a little investigating before calling me during my time off?#very funny to me that I've been in a therapy session talking about her and she will call me (I do not answer)#my job was not and is not to be a personal assistant yet that is the position I've been forced into#and quite frankly I do not get paid enough to deal with being a personal assistant to#an immature people pleasing 34 year old woman who lacks basic empathy and doesn't give a shit about her employees#like I wanted to like her! I want to like her! she's gay and Jewish! but she also stinks of white rich kid privilege#also she's having a baby with her wife and this is a baby she actively does not want and a baby they're having to fix their marriage#which is a very tough thing for me to watch from the sidelines#she also is always picking apart peoples appearances and shes also told me she would probably leave her wife if she grew her hair out#anyway there's a lot more on a personal and professional level but my break is over
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bruh
#idk WHAT i did to deserve this bad karma but like. the universe really said 'fuck this girl in particular' oh my god#*deep breath*#so yesterday during our company holiday party i got the call that my mom was going to the hospital#i work an hour and a half away from home so by the time i was able to leave the party and come home it was super late#i liver in northern california which if you haven't heard the news is due for a BATSHIT INSANE CYCLONE STORM#so all the roads are fucking closed and everyone is freaking out#turns out my mom has pneumonia in her right lung and can't breathe but ON TOP of that there's some other weird shit going on#so they admitted her to stay overnight#but- here's the FUCKING KICKER#my mom was born with type 1 diabetes so she needs insulin to like. live.#but apparently the doctors REFUSED to let her change her insulin pump because THEY wanted to be in control of ministering insulin#in order to track the other thyroid levels that were off to begin with#but then someone fucked up and long story short they just. never ordered insulin overnight??#her blood sugar went SUPER HIGH#eventually they got her some insulin and she's fine but like. that's literal malpractice#so ANYWAY mom's in the hospital and like. even BEFORE the hospital and the storm my work has been KICKING MY ASS#i have 3 overdue projects and too much on my plate. i'm drowning.#now i have to take time off work to be with my mom and ALSO!!!#since my mom is now in the hospital i will also need to drive my sister to college which is 4 hours away#so now i'm missing work and driving 8 hours during the worst cyclone storm that has literally out-scaled the scaling system#oh and also we've been living in an airbnb for the last 4 months so LOL every single rain coat umbrella and rainboots i own are in storage#girl idk what to do but i'm SUFFERING
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"If you smoke weed every day you have an addi-"
Bitch fix the world. Bitch fix healthcare. Bitch fix something before judging from your porcelain personality.
#At first I was bothered because Jesus Christ I need this medicine in accordance to my doctor#then I just thought like...I have not. Made a single percentage progress through this medical system#not one#the furthest I've gotten is weed#Like bro#No shit people smoke every fuckin' day sometimes god damn#shit sucks and good luck getting ANY medication or actual fuckin doctor work done on you#you Never Will#never!#It's genuinely impossible to get any medication to help#they have made it all so fucking difficult to reach and the doctor's are weak and lazy as Fuck#so you Never make progress#I can go outside and get medicine from a gas station faster than the fuckin' medical system#I can find whatever fucking prescription guaranteed just going gas station to gas station#fuckin#go to the doctor's for 3 years?#Haha no#Here's some more sugarpills I'm sure this one will work#Clearly all you have is “Sad Teenager Syndrome” so here's some placebo#fucking hell#I feel shit I doubt most ever will and you're god damn lucky for it#Let People Exist or make life better#anything else is so sheltered as to be wholly ignorant#to judge those pains of those you elected to misjudge#fuck you#Before shrooms destroyed my brain I could and had quit cold turkey at random#I can't do that now. I'm dying and the literal second I get THC in my system. My whole body is no longer “tightened” into utter pain#the kind if you held a bucket for hours on end#whole fuckin body#don't get me started on my fuckin brain issues dawg it's impossible
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having a medical issue that dulls your ability to feel certain types of pain is only cool in fiction. in real life it just makes it extra hard to tell if you need to go to the doctor right now, or if you can just walk it off.
#messed up my foot and i can't tell if it's something serious or just a 'stay off it as much as you can for a few days' type of issue#like do i go in and risk paying a doctor to just tell me to ice it and chill out#or do i risk leaving it alone but woops! it was actually serious and now i have permanent damage from walking on it all this time#i've got like weird nerve damage/issues that honestly just has doctors going 'huh that's weird'#and it might explain some of my stupidly high pain tolerance (but only certain types)#but it makes it really frustrating once i need to make the 'do i go to the doctor about this?' decision#like some things that would have people shrieking in intense pain are just like 'hmm i feel...a weird tingling. some kind of pressure maybe#but this actually doesn't help me at all because the whole 'Ahhhhh!!!' pain reaction is to get you to STOP the thing#big old 'danger! danger! hit the brakes you are about to incur serious damage! turn back now!'#except my stupid nervous system is the good old 'nah i think it was just the wind' idiot who dies first in the horror movie#but sometimes i'm like 'oh yeah this is definitely weird i should go to the doctor'#and then the doctor is like 'yeah you just twisted your ankle you'll be fine'#so all this does is fuck up my ability to tell how injured i really am#and they don't even know how i got this or if it's genetic or the result of an old injury or whatever#they just ran a bunch of tests and like gauged my response to pain stimulus#and concluded that yeah it's weird but not gonna kill me so bye#it's not like doctors are jumping to make me feel more pain#i'm not aware of anybody going 'hey doc i would like to feel more pain. i feel like i'm not feeling enough of that stuff'#just not a thing u can ask. also at this point i don't really want to feel it?#like ppl describe the types of pain i can't feel right as really bad so uh no thanks
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I think I may have dislocated my thumb at some point in the last few days- I don't remember it but my hand has felt pretty bad and there's a very? well. there's a big bruise and I just pressed on it and my whole thumb cramped up so bad
#at first I thought it was from the IV but it's focused around the base of my thumb#🙃#also the pressure cuff fucjinh broke blood cells in my bicep?? like there are lines where the creases were#oh and the back of my right hand is sooo bruised from the vein blowing#the hEDS is hEDS-ing#blegh. I also very possibly had an allergic reaction to a cookie last night and it took hours to fully leave my system#I think maybe I need to see an allergist because I Do Not know what I'm allergic to! and that's two medications I've reacted to!#and my body has shown me that it is perfectly happy to go into anaphylaxis and has almost killed me before#I need. to get. proper fucking medical care.#I need to have my EDS managed. I need to be treated and see specialists and just! I can't do this all on my own#I need a doctor who is willing to take the lead. who will look into my symptoms and tell me what specialists I should see#instead of just ordering a blood test and going “well it was fine”#I have had so many FUCKING blood tests in the last. 10 years. maybe 3 uterine ultrasounds. and one MRI#the ultrasounds and MRI I had to fucking beg for#this doctor im seeing for a meet and greet had better be half decent because I cannot continue doing this alone#it will very likely kill me or get me killed. I need. a medical professional.
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life update!!! I started vyvanse (though I'll have to stop when I run out it's not covered by my insurance lmaoooo, wonder what I'll be switching to XD)
so things are looking up for the snazums everywhere, I start school in like 2 months so that's exciting and now that I'm diagnosed with ADHD that should help me get supports and meds n shit to deal with my terrible education habits. (look lets just say i've switched my degree 3 times, fell into academic probation and took a year off school)
now i just need to get a job which should be in my future soon, like no way I just don't get one XD But I'm feeling good, which i hope that means the meds are working (praying that's why, and i'm not just in the up swing for the next couple weeks. or at least if i hit the down swing it's not like rock bottom it's like aw that sucks oh well keep chugging ya know?)
#snazum talks#the meds r supposed to help with focus and emotional regulation cause i'm very bad at that#also just tired of not being emotionally regulated#really hoping I just need to take 1 medication for everything cause exploring through the mental health system is tiring and sucks#can't believe it's taken me 6 years to get diagnosed and medicated#and it was a quick 2 visits to the doctor#tho tbf i could of gotten this a year ago if i didn't forget and loose my papers XD oops#now i just need to get back on testosterone and get in line for top surgery#and then graduate with a degree for film and move to bc or denver or smth and work for a film company#dream job would also be the camera man for the nucks or the avs or smth#or ig the oeg but um. i sort of hate them rn. sorry. actually not fucking sorry but ya know#ooo or utah hockey club. idk i like hockey#i just want to be able to make good money and afford to live and support my millions of hobbies that cost a lot of money#or i go and pursue my dreams of being a lawyer. their sort of dreams? parently I've got a nack for it and I like helping people#I'm just um. not a book person. i'm a terrible student XD
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David Tennant interview at the British LGBT Awards, June 2024 (x)
Int: You being an ally to the community isn't something new. You've been doing it, but recently you've obviously really stepped up for trans and non-binary people in a time that's so, so needed. What made you do that?
David: I don't know that I feel like I've done anything that I wouldn't just sort of be normally doing. I mean, it's for me it's just common sense that there's there should be any suggestion that people aren't allowed to live the life they want to live and and to be who they want to be with and to express themselves wholeheartedly. I mean, as long as you aren't hurting anybody else, everybody else just needs to fucking butt out. I don't really understand why...
Int: ...it's controversial.
David: Yeah, there is and the thing... the thing, if there's something that's particularly sobering and depressing, it's that certain debates are being weaponized by certain elements of the political class, often for no... it seems it's not ideological so much as opportunistic. And I just think that's pretty disgusting, really.
Int: I couldn't agree more. What message would you like to send out to trans youth?
David: Please don't feel like you're not loved and that you're not accepted and that you're not... you know, most people in the world are good and kind and just want you to be able to be who you are. Most people in the world don't really care. I mean... you know what I mean?
Int: We're all narcissistic.
David: Exactly. Everyone's so self obsessed that really, the sort of noise that comes from a certain area of the press and of the political class is... it's a minority. It really is. And please don't let that make you feel diminished or dissuaded or discouraged, because, you know, you just... you have to be allowed to be yourself, and you are, and you are yourself and you must thrive and flourish, and we're all here for it.
Int: Amazing. I think, yeah, it's so important .I think sometimes it feels like there's so many people, but it is a minority. It's such a minority.
David: It's a tiny bunch of little whinging fuckers that are on the wrong side of history and they'll all go away soon.
Int: Like what happened with gay people 20 years ago.
David: When I was a kid, when I was a kid, exactly. You know, I was at school when Clause 28 came in and it all felt like being gay was something to be terrified of. And gay men in particular were demonised as paedophiles and now that just feels historic and ludicrous and, I mean, I don't see all those... all those battles aren't won, but we're in a very, very different place. And I feel like.I feel like history is on a progressive trajectory and it might get knocked sideways now and again by people for all sorts of reasons, which are often quite selfish and quite, as I say, not coming from a place of any sort of genuine belief system, but other than a place of opportunism. And that's something that we... I hope that in 20 years time, we're talking about, you know, these culture wars as something of the past.
Int: I believe we will. I'm a huge Doctor Who fan, so.
David: Oh, good, me too!
Int: You are my Doctor.
David: Oh, thank you very much.
Int: But recently, obviously, you came back for the 60th anniversary and you got to work with Yasmin Finney.
David: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Int: What was it like working with her?
David: Oh, she's brilliant. She's fantastic. Yeah. And she's in the show again now, she's back in it, so that's fantastic to see. She's lovely, talented, cool as a cucumber, articulate, brilliant. I learned a lot from her as an actor and also as someone who, you know, who's become a sort of de facto activist just because of who she is and where she is, and she becomes a sort of symbol of hope, and she's wonderful.
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The longer it takes for my doctors to prescribe me anything other than metoprolol the more powerful my rage and fury becomes.
#its been 4 years#the cardiologist tells me its anxiety#today was my 4th consult with psychiatry and i've been told for the 3rd time that my anxiety is so well managed they#wouldn't even put me in a criteria of having anxiety#its been 5 years of no answers docs i'm gonna need a very very good reason for why my local medical team#decided it was okay to ship me off hours away just for that doctor to tell me I should've been getting help locally#its been 5 years guys cant anybody actually look at my case with any competence outside of the blood work comes back as sorta normal so you#must be fine#dawg I can't sit or stand anymore dog I am not fine#please just try any other medicine than the 5mg of metoprolol i'm taking which is just to keep me from passing out when I sit up dawg#dawg#medical team dawg#medical homies#i'm going to go insane#if I do get treatment that lets me sit or stand longer stronger and better they'll regret ever healing me because god damn it i'm#going to use my extra energy to sue or fight the fucking local medical system#don't tell them tho because I still want to be treated at a local medical center without being killed by insurance psy ops#I know the medical system isn't just failing me#its failing you too
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I was gonna comment this under a youtube short abt a specific stim (tapping your ears) that reminded me of something from my childhood but I realized I was on youtube and decided I won't risk being emotionally open on that hellhole so I'm posting it here instead
Anyways the video reminded me of when i was in elementary school back when i still lived in Puerto Rico. i got so overwhelmed in one of my classes because all the other kids were being deafeningly loud and i couldn't keep up with the notes (had written two whole whiteboards worth of notes and the teacher was erasing one of the boards to write more)(notes were all fully handwritten, no guided notes packets or anything)(was always made to write ALL OF IT, no shorthands) and then the teacher started using a goddamn WHISTLE to get the kids' attention and shut them up (didn't work, just made more noise which made me more overwhelmed). i burst into tears and started tapping my ears almost unconsciously to try and mitigate the noise since just covering them wasn't enough somehow.
I still do it sometimes when there's too much noise but like. In a less noticeable way i guess? Just kinda rub my ear which gets a similar effect to tapping it. Bc i know it's weird and i was already the weird kid by then so like i can't be More Weird. Y'know. So most of the time i just endure loud noise and try not to get super pissed off or cry instead.
Anyways i'm not saying i'm for real neurodivergent but i am saying that my parents should've done something about my very obvious issues way earlier on instead of just chalking it up to me being "shy" or "sensitive" or "a perfectionist" or whatever the fuck. Bc this incident among other things that happened before and after it were literally big flashing signs that i was Not Normal. But noooo instead they had to leave current me with emotional regulation issues constantly wondering what the fuck is wrong with me
#ramblings#the vibes are not good rn#i can't sleep and i want to tear something apart with my nails and teeth like a wild animal#neg#i will say part of it was the pr education system being absolute shit#had multiple teachers who were not at all qualified for the job and a bunch of bullshit assignments and stuff#but like. this was the worst manifestation of the noise sensitivity i'd always shown#i was ALWAYS overwhelmed by loud music and crowded places with lots of noise#and like. my mom took me to a doctor for it after this particular incident#but didn't look deeper into like anything else. and still really hasn't tbh#it was chalked up to a hearing issue and nothing else#god i'm. so fucking tired#i need to go to bed
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damn i actually had a pretty good streak there of not having bad insomnia days. that's pretty impressive for me like i haven't really had one since early January
#usually i get them like. maybe once a week#i think it's partially my new meds?#got some meds for anxiety and oh my GOD i finally have something that WORKS instead of fucking lexapro AGAIN#literally all my doctors would go LEXAPRO!! even though it's never fuckin worked for me#BUT I'm on remeron now and it's WORKING#and i made sure to make my Scheduled Pill Time as something i could almost never miss (my mom getting home from work)#bc it's around the same time every day within a half hour range and since i have an outside reminder it helps me actually form a habit#i cannot form habits without outside help it's just. nearly impossible for me#and the meds do make me kind of tired but not enough that I'm fucking constantly sleeping like when i was on seroquel#i can actually fucking THINK through this tired it doesn't just completely take me out 100% of the time#I'm just Slightly Sleepy instead of a zombie#and it helps remind me that I'm tired bc usually i don't notice any physical feelings#(is there a word for that??????? i tried googling but it constantly gave me alexythemia which is not feeling EMOTION)#(when this is like. i can't feel tired or hungry or pain sometimes. or at least i lose the ability to be aware that I'm feeling it)#but anyway the new meds make me just tired enough to remember i need sleep#and i mean. i am sleeping slightly early but 8:30 isn't that bad i don't think#at least i have time to. you know. do stuff between the hours of 5-8 (the only hours my mom is home + stores is open)#and tbh staying up alone all night isn't. the best. for my mental health#i don't handle being alone well. and Pulse is being a dick about system barriers :P (/lh we know why it's needed rn)#we have. a deep deep fear of isolation. like not just being alone but Not Being Able To Call For Help At All#at least with phone/computer we have One outlet for help with emergency services so that helps slightly#we worry a lot about. what would happen. if we had a medical emergency. and nobody knew bc i couldn't contact anyone#mostly. the fear of Something Bad happening and not being found until hours or days later#i like being awake during the day tho bc theres Way More Options for help#and like the fear of Not Being Found doesn't go away like. ever#but at least when people are awake and around its lessened a lot#the fear increases exponentially with each possible second added to the wait time#so knowing that it's just One hour until mom is home and can check on me is a lot better than Nobody's Awake For 5 More Hours#(and my mom is deaf too so i can't just like. scream for help to wake her up)#(not that i can physically scream at all anyway my voice just cannot handle that anymore)
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