#I'm not good at explaining things and unfortunately i can't record myself for like an hour explaining it while also drawing in real time 😭

[beast-feast]

Hey idk if you've answered this but what is your art process and what do you use for traditional and digital art?

Honestly I don't even know but at the same time I know the processes are very similar. I'll try and do my best HSNFKAH

Digitally I like to just Do Whatever Feels Good so it's a very "trust the process" kind of thing. Mainly when I draw digitally though I'll start with this.

Basically just making rough shapes and then the details on different layers while changing the opacity.

In the case of traditional it's a LOT more casual and I really don't have a good explanation for it? Basically skipping the rough detail layer and instead going to a sort of rough sketchy look (which is what I've been doing traditionally mostly these days.)

Digital linework is where I correct my mistakes (most of the time, if it's something Not Serious like this it'll be a lot looser looking!) And most of the time that's actually kind of where it ends lol, most of the digital stuff you see from me nowadays is only finished stuff I put effort into.

But when I finish lineart I tend to delete the sketch layer entirely so I don't mistake it for something else, and then color under the lineart layer.

And in this case I decided to give you a rough idea of how I do my shadows+highlights? I don't do it All The Time but I put them on separate layers and play with the layer settings !!! Genuinely cannot advise this enough it's really nice and fun to just see what looks best. In this case though I used a basic multiply layer for the shadows and then on a layer above it placed a few highlights where a general light source would be coming from.

Something I highly suggest is doing what feels right to you in the moment. If you're itching for something that you haven't drawn before, look at photos of what you want and then try and memorize as much of the look as you can! It's a neat little exercise for stylization I've found out, but it's also super useful for when you need references too. Don't ever be afraid of them.

Going back to trad. art though. When I'm not working with very quick sketches with pen/pencil it can come in two ways: clean pencil drawing or something made with pen+marker.

I use mainly Sharpies for colored traditional pieces, and my secret is that if you're limited on colors, LAYER IT ON!!! One shade of a green can give you a decent shadow!!! I use Micron pens for lineart and a white gel pen to sneak in a few little highlights here and there. On paper I don't put much emphasis on light and instead focus on the shadow part (mainly because it's hard for me to figure out a good lighter color for things HAHSHSJAH)

But genuinely whatever you do I don't think having a "style" is perfectly fine. It's a fluid thing that's ever-changing for some and if you fall under that category it doesn't mean that you're not skilled! Play around, have fun, generally just see what looks cool and cooler :)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for demanding a kid's mother compensate me for the expensive protective screen he ruined?

I (24F) used to work in a tutoring center with two classes, my class had around 8 kids, the other class had more because the tutor there is more experienced. I was having trouble managing my time and keeping up with all the classes the kids had. There was this one kid Mike (6M) who is a good kid but slightly mischievous, but I had a lot to say about his mother, I don't like her because she doesn't care. For example, the center closes at 6:30 and she's always like 1 hour late to pick him up, sometimes when I'm in a hurry to leave, I end up having to give him a ride myself because I can't just leave him alone and she doesn't pay me for the extra work. She even started to expect me to give her kid rides whenever she has plans, and never offers to pay. I could've been more strict with her but unfortunately I have social anxiety and have trouble asserting myself, but it's common sense to pay people for these sort of things.

Sometimes she even leaves for a trip OUTSIDE OF THE COUNTRY after she drops him off at the center (for her job- but it's her personal business and she could literally choose a different time or at least arrange for a pickup for her kid??)

Also Mike has two smartphones that he brings with him everyday and is very protective of them. I have no idea if both of them belong to him but that's irrelevant, the point is somehow he's allowed to carry two smartphones at the age of 6, I find it weird. And apparently the mother isn't even aware of it?! (As will be explained later)

It's been a minute so I don't remember what else I didn't like about this mother but there WERE other issues.

Anyway, the center was unofficial and there weren't any real guidelines for me to follow and I was new and very inexperienced so I often went to the other tutor (36F) for advice and copied her teaching style. For the poems and songs the children had to memorize, she suggested I use a recorded audio on my phone to help them with it instead of having to reread the entire thing for them over and over.

So I used this method a lot. At first I used to hold the phone for them and stay near them, but as time went to I started to trust them with my phone as I see how they handle it but I stay close to it. This continued for like a month and nothing happened to my phone. Sometimes when they are done and waiting for their rides I even let them play games on my mobile sometimes and yet nothing happened.

But one time there was a lot of homework so for Mike and another kid on the same grade I played the audio on loop and left the phone next to them, I warned them from messing with it and left to help another kid with her homework.

As I'm busy with this other kid go back to Mike and I find out he peeled the my phone's protective screen on purpose and he was laughing? Yes he's 6 but he knew exactly what he was doing. He often didn't let anyone touch his phones and often checks for damages and goes on rants about how handle a phone.

I went to the other tutor for advice and told me that was unacceptable and the mother should compensate me for it, so I decided to finally assert myself and immediately messaged her to tell her what her kid did and told her the screen costed me over 100$ (which is a lot of money in our currency) and my job was part time so my monthly salary was only about 660$ and it was the only job I had so obviously I couldn't afford it on my own.

She responded by telling me her a 6 year old doesn't understand the value of these things and it was my fault for lending him my mobile. I replied that I only allowed him to borrow my phone because I saw how he treated his two phones and listed several examples of how he handles them and takes good care of them and understands what damages them.

Her only response was: "Who said he has two phones?"

I was so done that was her only argument, but before I could reply she called management to complain about me demanding her money, they promised to resolve the issue and hung up to hear my side of the story.

My boss told me I was very bold to assume the mother would pay me, while the other tutor was on my side, and I learned in a private conversation with my boss that she wasn't a fan the other tutor's teaching methods.

Needless to say, I quit, for many reasons but this was a big factor so AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[funkymbtifiction]

Goblins of Discord Video Typing Review

I got curious about Goblins of Discord after watching some of their content and purchased a video typing from them. Here is my video submission, and here is their analysis. I stumped them a bit, but also amused them, both of which pleased me. They said I'm an excellent example of 6-1, if anyone is wondering about being one themselves....

I really liked their approach and how nice they were. The turnaround was fast (which I appreciate) and they typed me 6w7 1w2 3w4* sp/so with over an hour's worth of available analysis (and the disclaimer that my video was quite short -- because I edited out all the awkward moments, lol). I believe it's accurate. I had been leaning into 6-1 lately and seeing 1 in myself, but also felt the undeniable presence of double attachment fixes and wondering about 3, given how empty I feel when I am not being productive. But it wasn't until I recorded myself answering their questions that I saw how 3ish/competency-focused all of my answers were.

So, yeah. That's what I am pondering at the moment. I'll look into myself going forward and see if I spot 3w4-ness, but I suspect that would explain a lot of my competency/frustration angst. I can just about drive myself insane trying to be perfect/the best. And I agree that I am not as warm and supportive as a 2 fixer.

If you are on the fence about being typed by someone, I would say they are more accurate than others I could name and they cost less. They are not mean and do not force their opinions on you, but leave you to decide if it fits or not, so it is a pleasant experience (you will get lightly roasted a little, but it's all in good fun). It's also worth a lot to be able to watch them react to and discuss you and provide reasoning as to why they think you are what you are, instead of just sending you an answer. Maybe they know that a lot of their clients will be 6s for whom "it must make sense." ;)

Explains why I relate to Hermione and Nancy Wheeler and Mary Crawley. I always put logic and fixing it ahead of soothing and supporting, unfortunately.

*I lean 3w2 myself, even if I am task-oriented. It seems a better fit, but I think they got the tritype right and in the 24 hours since the video response, I've felt a lot of things click into place and make "sense" to me, both in hindsight and in terms of how I act "now" (and how I used to be). I feel just the right amount of shame and relief. ;) It also explains why I'm not like most ENFPs (they "can't finish things"), while still fitting that profile cognitively / being a last-minute genius.

[jasonisaacs]

Can I have some advice on how you make gifs?  I want to start making gifs, but I have no idea where to start.  What programs to use or how I can even get movies to turn into gifs when there are so many copyright laws trying to stop me.

ah i should clarify that i'm terrible at explaining things, and i'm still a beginner myself but i will do my best to give you some advice/tips that can help you get started!! or at least know where to start looking! i will admit that it does require a lot of patience and some knowledge of photo/video editing. it will seem complicated and overwhelming at first, but take it slow and do your best! (i had to put it under a read more as it got quite long!)

firstly, in terms of what program to use, it's entirely up to you and whichever ones you can get a hold of easily. 'photoshop' is the most popular choice, but i personally use a program called GIMP (GNU image manipulation program), it's free to download and it's basically just a copy of photoshop! the only problem is that a lot of people don't use gimp, so finding tutorials is really hard and photoshop has psds & better quality options. but again, it's entirely your choice! i believe there are a few websites/apps on your phone that can make gifs, but i don't think the quality is always good.

depending on which one you decide to use, just google 'how to make gifs tumblr' and there will be many posts to choose from! i would recommend this one if you're going to use photoshop as it is very detailed & includes other programs you'll need! if you decide to use gimp, unfortunately i can't find the link to the particular tutorial i originally used anymore :( but this tutorial is probably the closest i could find, although there's a few extra steps/plugins that i personally don't use.

secondly, you will need a program/app that lets you take screenshots, i personally use 'kmplayer' but some tutorials will offer you alternatives. i would recommend kmplayer because it also has a built in youtube downloader, and it's pretty safe! this photoshop tutorial shows how to take continuous screenshots for your gifs!

and lastly, getting a hold of footage is the one thing that i really struggle with too. there's different ways to do this but it all depends on your internet security and what you know about t*rrenting/p*rating. you can use a screen recorder to capture scenes though most services won't allow it. perhaps to get you started, i would suggest using download to mp4 websites to get hd clips from youtube, or try your best to find websites that have the movies/shows you want in good quality! i would only recommend using sites like that if you have really good internet security or a vpn. please be extremely careful!!

i hope that you find this helpful in some way!! i'm sorry that i couldn't offer more, but like i said, i am still a beginner myself! i wish you luck if you decide to give it a try! it's a lot of trial and error, but one day you'll figure it out and it'll be a piece of cake :D

[bpdstevenuniverse]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually too picky, or if that's what everyone made me believe.

I mean this in every aspect. Food, for instance, I tend to dislike certain textures, well done meat, pork, bitter/sour food (forgive my non-english ass) etc., and I especially hate beans. Because of that, I was often told I was too picky, that I "didn't like anything".

I hate that this image of me - "I don't like anything" - has been following me since I was a child. People make me feel like a spoiled brat. Nowadays, this is true to college and jobs. I've changed courses twice because I just couldn't find myself in any of them. Even the current one doesn't really fit me, but I can't drop out again or else I'll lose health insurance and my whole treatment.

As for jobs, I don't want to work on weekends. I want a significant salary, not necessarily with so many benefits; just money for public transport shall suffice. I hate design and office work, so I discard them as well. Oh, and I do NOT want to make video presentations. Unfortunately the most recent job applications are requiring this shit. I mean, this might be easier for some people, but for me? I hate recording myself. I would really much rather present myself in person. Idk how to explain this, but I've never been good at online interactions, they make me nervous. I really wish video presentations could be optional.

Anyway, the point is that I know if I tell people about all these choices, they're going to criticize me. My parents always throw in my face that "not everything will be PERFECT for you", "sometimes you have to do things you don't wanna do" and similar. They make me feel like I'm being picky because I have opinions. I have preferences and, most importantly, boundaries. Most of the things I mentioned above aren't because I'm spoiled or "lazy", it's because I have had experience before and it stressed me so much that I couldn't make it better, no matter how hard I tried.

But my parents don't believe it. Nobody believes it. They just nitpick me instead of like... understanding my boundaries. Understanding me. Or just trying to understand. Why is that hard?

[unlimitedhorsepower]

Can someone explain to me how do I analyse my writing to tell whether its cringe or funny (professional dx). I have a fic I was gonna post but then I was overtaken by "whoa, Gabriel. What are you fucking thinking" and I have no answers.

Ry/anyu/rike/ith fic locked behind the classic issue I have, the cringefail disease. This is the exact same thing that happened to a ry/anyu/ri fic I wrote over the holidays and I was like I'll post it after NYE and I still havent posted it.

History is repeating itself, only with Valentine's day fic.

One issue I have is that I keep writing similar things, because unfortunately when writing about the same characters they kind of react to similar things in a similar way and they keep having the same issues because they can't be fixed overnight. And I'm self-conscious about it since there's no coherent narrative (only in my head) so it may seem as if I'm repeating the same part of their hypothetical narrative arc over and over again like a broken record.

Do you see what I mean... Is my issue partially that I don't read a lot of fanfic myself. Is it welcomed to write about the same things again and again.

I just find that part fun and interesting. My other issue is that I love bad humour. I will include extremely convoluted sex jokes that need to be set up, AND the characters thinking about how they're not good enough to be loved in the same fic and I get so embarrassed about the tonal dissonance that I get nauseous in real life.

But your honour...my blorbo Yu/ri can't simply be comedic, he's experiencing mental anguish prior unknown to man. I can't include jokes without it being OOC (to me). Jokes can't come at the expense of the brain fungus... humour is only funny if it's IC.

I can't believe high art connoisseurs are gonna write thinkpieces comparing my fanfics while swirling wine in a glass and judging me repeating certain phrases I enjoy in different fics instead of writing in an innovative fashion where every descriptive part is unique and fresh

That's how I feel every time I finish writing anything. I have a lower standard for visual "art" because they're quicker to make but only god knows how many fics and pics I have that I've never posted anywhere

Rip to hundreds of thousands of words and tens of images sitting in my files. Help. Anyway here's a poll for you

I'm not making any negative options. Just scroll by faster!!!!

[a-dollshouse-of-dark-thoughts]

Endlessly looping around in my own thoughts today. So stream of consciousness post incoming.

There are things I want to say to people, but I know from experience that there's a strong possibility that they won't fully understand my intentions.

I've had a few people misinterpret compliments as flirting or an outright come on in the past.

There have been a couple of horrendous occasions when I didn't realise I was dating someone until they 'broke up' with me. People get really angry when they realise you didn't feel as much as they thought you did, even when they don't feel it either.

I'm wary of giving any kind of compliment now, and I know it can come across as rude when I don't know that people are looking for compliments or affirmation, but the line isn't clear to me. I don't know how to find the right level, so I stay quiet.

I want to shout and rave about someone's outfit or make up or bone structure or personality. But I don't know how that will be received and I don't trust my own judgement so I don't speak up at all.

I've been wrong so many times. I've misjudged people's intentions so many times. I've been used so many times.

I don't trust myself. I second guess my instincts. I ignore warning signs or doubt good things when I shouldn't.

I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for people to realise I'm not worth keeping around.

I identify as ACE, but that's not a simple label. There's so much nuance to it. I don't want a sexual or romantic relationship. I'm not immediately attracted to the physical. But that doesn't mean I don't know when people are objectively attractive. I definitely do. I'm much less likely to say it than an Allo person, because the risk of misinterpretation and having to explain myself is real and scary.

The closest I can get to explaining it is to compare it to appreciation of a sunset or a fluffy kitten. I want to be around beautiful people in the way I want to snuggle with a kitten or stare at a sunset and take pics of it. I'm not in love with the sunset or the kitten, but that doesn't make them any less appealing to me.

And in the same way that I want to snuggle the kitten and have it like me, I want to hug people and be around them all the time. In the same way I want to record the sunset, I want to capture memories of people and revisit them.

I'm aware that what I want is often childish. I'm now acutely aware that I've spent most of my life avoiding touch because the reactions I got as a child trained me not to get physically close to people. Unfortunately, now that I've looked at that and unpacked it, I'm finding it difficult to suppress the urge to grab someone's hand or hug them. I'm driving myself crazy craving the physical contact I've always been told I don't want, and when I do get it I shy away because I don't know how long to hold on and I don't want to annoy people by being too needy.

I am fully aware that I hyperfocus on people who make me feel safe, and I know from other peoples point of view that that can look like attraction or a crush. I know I can get annoying really quickly, and I know social norms mean most people won't tell me that they need me to bugger off for a while but I can come back later. I need to hear that I can come back later, or I won't know if I can, I really can't tell.

I've spent too much of my life trying to persuade people to like me and I've reached a point where I give up quickly. If you seem annoyed with me I'll walk away, and I won't try again. I've spent most of my life masking and trying to see the other persons point of view and make allowances for them and fit around them and now I don't have the spoons to deal with other peoples lack of spoons anymore.

I understand that I need to respect other people's boundaries, but I need to respect mine too. If that means I have to accept there is no point in trying to be friends with someone who's personal demons clash with mine then that's what I'll do. If that means I don't push when someone seems disinterested or persevere if they seem reserved then 99% of the time I'm just going to walk away. If they think that makes me rude, then I accept that they haven't figured out that not all ND people need the same things yet and I can't change that. Some people only want to see their own problems, they don't care how they affect others, I can't change that either. I will respect their boundaries, and do my whatever I can not to hurt or offend them. But ultimately I can only protect myself and my mental health by walking away. I won't feed my RSD anymore by hanging on to the hope that someone will like me if I try harder.

That's a recent and painful lesson. It doesn't matter whether I did something wrong or did nothing at all, some people just don't want to know and will always think the worst and see malicious intentions where there were none. I can't change them, but I can choose not to interact with them.

That doesn't mean I've stopped being a people pleaser, I'm always going to want to help, I'm always going to need a purpose. I'm always going to want to help if people ask for it. I'm probably going to apologise even when I know I did nothing objectively wrong. Being rejected will always be intensely painful, but the duration of the pain is significantly reduced if i walk away and stop trying to change peoples minds about me.

I know, intellectually, what other people mean when they talk about romantic love, I also know I don't feel it. I have strong emotions but not that one.

I could argue with myself for hours over whether that's AuDHD related or a separate thing. Is my Acespec-ness connected to my ND? I don't know, it just is what it is. Ultimately it doesn't matter why it is, it just is. An explanation won't change the effects.

In some respects I understand my psychology too well. I wonder if ignorance might be bliss sometimes.

I struggle with object permanence and, as a result of that, I worry constantly that if I don't remind other people that I exist they'll forget about me. I know that if I don't interact with people regularly 'out of sight, out of mind' will literally happen, so I make a nuisance of myself to people I care about. Partly because I don't want to lose any more people to my own distraction, but also because I'm very much aware that if I don't call people, no one will think to call me.

I know there's a level of childlike attachment to that that isn't 'normal' for someone of my age. Like a child calling out for a parent or carer repeatedly but not really wanting anything but acknowledgement when they have their attention. I can't change that about myself, but I can try to moderate it and restrict who I do it with.

I also know that I 'pebble' at people. As a child I did this literally, my grandparents once had an extensive collection of shells and shiny stones that I had given them.

I've learnt through years of bitter experience that this doesn't work on my mother. She won't remember who gave her things and she won't care unless it has some intrinsic value. Her concept of love is skewed and I can't change her, but I have, quite recently, come to realise that I can use her as a measure of what I shouldn't put up with.

She ingrained many and varied wrong beliefs in me as a child and I've had to let them go. It took too long to realise that sex is not the only valid form of physical contact, I don't need a relationship to be a complete person, I don't need to be lively to have fun, i dont need to 'tone it down', i dont sound like a strangled can when I sing, I dont hate brussel sprouts and carrots, I don't get travel sick on every journey (only if I'm hungry, which I always was because we weren't allowed to eat before travelling). She is not my only friend and I am not hers.

I've waffled around in my head all day today and got nothing done, I haven't solved anything, I haven't changed anything.

I'm still unemployed and I still need a purpose. I still find it incredibly hard to tell anyone I love them, or believe that anyone would really notice if I wasn't there.

I'm resigned to not being included in any invitations, and not being seen as fun. I can't make my face show what I'm feeling, it looks fake if I try. Watching other people have fun is fun. Making other people understand that I don't need to join in to enjoy myself is hard. People don't always understand that I have more spoons if I have a safe person around, and I don't have many of those. There are currently four or five people I'm comfortable and relaxed being around without other company, and only one that I trust enough to be my fully weird unmasking self with. I'm not related to any of them.

[nyxyjenkin]

A realization of how unfair the world really is to girls. Things that would really and only hit hard once you've experienced something. Can't believe I had to go through this to truly understand the burden deeper and unfortunately relate to experiences of other girls.

One thing I really hate about being a girl is having to be cautious with your friends. Even if you're known to be a tomboy. Everywhere I go, I always have this feeling of people calling me a whore, and slut, a pick me girl. I had a group of friends who were mostly boys, we've been friends since 7th grade and since I started 11th grade. I genuinely felt safe with them and didn't think of them as any potential boyfriends or anything. They were my friends and I trusted them with my life. That was torn apart when I was then told they all had crushes on me.

It was all torn apart when I went with them to drink and I thought it was just a friendly catching up. And it was a friendly catch up. But then they started making hints.

Hints that they wanted to fuck me. Hints that they'd take any pussy to fuck with right now. Hints that they needed a woman's love right now.

They cuddled up against me, held my waist, and grinded on my ass while I went to drink water.

They said it would be light drinking.

They said they'd stop until they were just tipsy.

I bought light beer just to join in the fun. I didn't want to drink that much. I didn't want to take shots. They urged me, I accepted because they were friends.

They were friends.

They won't do anything to me.

I trusted them not to touch me.

So I tried to have fun. I tried telling myself that they wouldn't do that. So I smiled and tried to have fun. I even recorded it to show I was 'having fun'. I sent it to my friend, I told her not to tell my boyfriend because I told myself nothing bad was happening.

I told myself I was spending time with The Boiz. I told myself I wasn't uncomfortable. I told myself they were only hugging me because I was a good friend.

A friend who was open to all topics and never judged you. A friend to be there when you need it. My gender didn't matter. I was a friend.

The time to go home, I never felt more free. I grabbed my things and tried to leave immediately.

I texted my boyfriend. I lied to him earlier. Told him me and my friends were just hanging out.

God what would he think if he knew what they did. I loved my friends. So I lied again.

Even though I had a feeling he knew I went drinking. I lied. But brought out a small truth.

I texted him. I've never felt safer. Even though he wasn't with me then. I felt so safe.

Told him I was going home. Told him there was a surprise drinking party, told him some bits and pieces of what happened. Left out my feelings from earlier and told him I had 'fun'.

I left out the parts of where they kept touching me. Parts where they kept hinting of wanting to fuck me. To touch me. As they felt me up.

Then I told my boyfriend the bits and pieces. I told him I liked him, we couldn't say love to each other yet.

Should've known him not saying it back was a sign that he knew. And we said goodnight.

The next day. I see he unsent three messages he sent at 12 am. I was asleep then.

After a few hours, he said good morning to me. Never felt so happy being able to talk to him again. We talked and talked until he brought up a screen shot of the video I sent my friend. I knew he knew.

And I explained. I explained and explained. I should've just told him what they did. So now I tell him. He laughs.

He doesn't believe me. He doesn't believe that I didn't feel comfortable. He didn't believe that I wanted to go home earlier at some point.

He keeps pointing out the fact that they were all around me and the fact I was smiling through it all. Touching me. Points out that I seem to enjoy it.

My heart sunk.

As he kept sending and sending texts saying how I feel like I'm All I could hear was, "Whore. You're a whore"

Whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore.

I asked him if he thinks I enjoyed it. If he thinks that I enjoyed being felt up by them. I felt disgusted.

I disgust him don't I.

He doesn't trust my words. Of course he won't.

I feel so alone. Hurt and betrayed.

The friends who I thought were good people did that to me.

The person I love and trusted and felt safe the most with now seems like he doesn't want to do anything with me.

Why do girls have to go through shit like this???

Why us?

Why do we have to be sexualized?

Why are we the only ones seen as fuckable people?

Why do I have to be born a girl?

[the-lonelyshepherd]

Thank you for explaining the dog thing! I think that it's cool to learn, I love learning random things. My favorite thing to tell people is about the oldest cat (Creme Puff) and horse (Old Billy) in recorded history. Super autistic of me but I cannot help it...

'official airbud canon' has taken me out and I can't recover. how am I supposed to recover and go back to making dinner... If I ever actually have time, I'd love to take an earnest shot at a goofy or angsty little airlottie sketch.

I know little to nothing about Fallout and prep'd myself for the show by watching youtube videos and having my trans fem friends infodump to me. If you're someone with ZERO knowledge of fallout the show is, confusing! I love the show (ep 5 now!) so it was the good kind of losing it. I love love LOVE Lucy, and I see myself in her. (Girlfail autism.) I'm more than likely to look more into fallout and make my own version of a Yellowjackets au, and an one where Lucy actually gets to just, live in a vault and have a domestic life. -💀

YES OFC i have like pools of knowledge on random shit and nothing else so i like to talk about stuff i know when i can lmao

AIRLOTTIE SKETCH I WOULD BE SO OVERJOYED 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

no HONESTKY i love lucy fallout. i don’t know shit i don’t have any transfer friends to explain lore to me unfortunately. the worldbuilding seems so fun i love apocalypse stories but the ones that are lwk goofy ? even better

[evanvanness]

My contrarian ETF take

Everyone is excited about ETFs in cryptoland. People think BTC and then ETH ETFs will be approved.

Eth has run up about 33%

Our favorite memecoin has run up about 66%

I've given this take multiple places, so let me put it down on paper so you can make fun of me when I'm wrong. The odds say that I'm likely wrong.

Yet, I firmly declare myself more bearish than the consensus on ETFs. In all aspects.

I'm less convinced than everyone that a spot BTC ETF will be approved.

First, what did the appellate court actually say?

The SEC "failed to adequately explain" and had no "coherent explanation"

What is the law? Per the opinion:

All the SEC has to show is that their decision was not "arbitrary, capricious" and that they "explained the decision."

The Bloomberg reporters say the ETP is happening. They cite all the staff work that is being done, and the fact that the applications are being amended, and the fact that they're all being set for decision on the same day. These are all good fact patterns for an approval.

To be clear, the appellate court's decision is scathingly against the SEC. It's a black mark for Gensler. They set the bar as high as they possibly could. But the bar is not that high, because they can't "substitute [their] policy judgements" by law.

So if you were Gary Gensler and you wanted to reject the ETPs, you'd probably have to do lots of staff work to show that the rejection is not arbitrary and to explain why. In order to reject the ETFs, all you need is your vote, the other 2 Dem commissioners (the 2 Republican commissioners have long dissented) and a detailed explanation of how spot and futures ETFs are different.

The court is relatively handtied if Gensler goes this route.

---

Now to be clear, the way things often work in media is that the reporters are talking directly to people like Gensler or staff, whether off the record or at parties or at the bar at Old Ebbitt's (long a White House/Treasury*** staffer haunt)

So it's definitely possible that approval is a lock, especially since Gensler has long been clear that he favors Bitcoin.

People are acting like it's a lock. I agree chances are probably over 50%, but I don't think it's a lock.

2. It's already priced in.

Everyone is super convinced that the approval is coming. Price has run up a lot. Anecdotally, I know of plenty of people buying over the last couple months "to get in before the ETF" and momentum trading pre-approval.

3. Flows likely to disappoint

We already have futures ETFs for both BTC and ETH. The ETH futures ETFs went live about 3 months ago, and the flows were extremely underwhelming.

Who fundamentally needs a spot ETF to buy?

Sure there are reasons (tracking risk) why spot ETFs are better than futures ETF. Spot should track closer to the underlying. There's no contango or backwardation.

But almost everyone who wants BTC exposure at this point has it. "The institutions" have been around for cycles. Perhaps there are some retirement accounts from middle class Americans who will buy. But are those people rushing to buy?

The argument is basically that financial advisors can pitch it. Which may be true, but financial advisors' principal concern is keeping your business, not maximizing returns. Advocating for a hypervolatile asset is something that tends to get them in trouble, even if the return profile is positive, because most people do not want to see a big loss in any part of their portfolio.

It also seems possible to me that spot ETFs provide meaningful flows over the long-run but not in the short-run.

4. Loss of narrative

I've lost count of how many times over the last decade people have told me that they were buying "because the ETF is around the corner." Whenever I unfortunately end up at general crypto events, I always hear the memecoiners trying to FOMO new retail money into BTC using the ETF approval ("you're frontrunning the intstitutions!").

Look it's anecdotal, but ETFs have been heavily promoted for a long time, especially in the Bitcoin community. Most of these folks didn't sell when the ETF got rejected...because they knew it would come eventually.

My contention is this spot ETF is more valuable to BTC as "it's coming soon" than having actually come.

tldr: While probably likely, I am less convinced that ETF approval is guaranteed. Any decision is likely bearish for the market short-term.

***To be clear, the SEC is on the other side of town next to Union Station but the SEC is under Treasury, relatively speaking.

UPDATE 12/21: Took less than 24 hours to shoot holes in my bearishness that Gensler will continue blocking. The SEC had a conference call today where they apparently told people that the ETFs were going to get approved if they did them the way the SEC wants.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary64

11/14-15/2023

tuesday-wednesday

almost made cookies.

i've made the dough, though, so it's resting in the fridge for tomorrow. it will be better that way anyways i think. hopefully they will taste good.

otherwise, today i didn't record vocals but i did start work on a new thing, it should be done tomorrow i think, i just want to find a final sort of riff for it. or i guess just put it into midi, i think i wrote something good, but maybe i'd like to use that for another thing instead, who knows. i wouldn't mind a 20 second long pv song. the interview did also come out, but i have some problems, not with the interview, my friend kelly did a great job with that. just with like, how the pictures came out. i don't know why but i look so awful and it's made me spiral, since i'm so stupidly sensitive about that. it just makes me wonder if that's what people actually see when they look at me, if that's how i actually look, or if they really just have been edited terribly. i can't stand it, the pictures of myself i took that day, even the ones that aren't the most flattering, don't make me look that ugly.

look at the pics i took that i'm not super into:

and this last one is especially unflattering imo:

the pics in the interview are like, crazy, i don't know. i can't tell if i don't look like that or not but they feel like they make me look way more like, mannish, and give me way more shadow. is it just an hdr thing, are people's eyes just more forgiving than camera lenses, or do my selfies and these photos just not really capture the whole, like, issue, that is my face. they also make me look fat. that's one i can't explain at all. it's very weird. i literally feel like i look like a different person, and i go look in the mirror and try and see that and can't really. i dunno. i think the guy who took the pictures is like, maybe not great but has a good camera, so he's eligible for taking pictures for a low level thing like this. i can't believe though, that for some reason, this is the article that has the most views on this website. how disturbing. i don't like that people i know are looking at that, and saying, wow that's them (or whatever). it actually really bothers me. i'm sure this is going to be something i am dealing with for a couple weeks. unfortunately i can't talk to my girlfriend about this in any kind of constructive way (is there even a constructive way, though?). she blames herself for me doing the interview, which is wrong for a myriad of reasons, and she i guess feels guilty for getting people to see it, when as i've now seen it, i don't want anyone to see it, the pictures at least. they're literally so fucked up, and since i've either looked like that, or since i've been made to look like that, i don't know if i can trust mirrors or anything/ memories of what i look like (i already don't know if mirrors are trustworthy or not, honestly, the discrepancies between them and cameras wigs me out and i don't know if there's anything there that should actually be wigging me out), but i don't even know if i will ever know what i look like. i've talked about depending very much on outside perspective, having one that now says basically that i'm ugly, or feels like it communicates/presents that, is very troubling. it makes you want to give up, kind of.

give up has an obvious meaning, i think. i also can't post them here, the images, it'd make me freak to look at them more. but i'm leaving the tab open because i know i'm going to have to go check and check and check and make sure that it feels like it's because the images were edited badly and stuff.

whatever, though. i am gonna sleep soon. maybe tomorrow i'll understand better what the focal length did to my face and what makes me feel so ugly for no reason. maybe this will make me do something really good for vocals since i feel distantly hopeless for stupid reasons.

it's intolerable, the feeling that people look at it, and see me in that, it literally feels like out of my hands, i am not myself anymore, it's like a tulpa. i want to puke and cry, it's that bad, really.

listening to palatka right now is nice, for this at least.

anyway tomorrow i still have to export those songs i have re-done vox for, and other stuff. maybe i will write new lyrics for some of these songs that still have none, that would be good. and i guess i can do the song that has lyrics but no vox still. that should be fun. i just need to get everything started earlier tomorrow.

today i also mostly vc'd so it wasn't a waste of a day, not eaten wholly by misery, the vc and the music i did and guitar playing i did feels good. in the vc we just played a silly drawing game, which i was bad at mostly, at first i felt really really stupid, but the stupid feeling went away. i guess i was just too nervous at first i guess. i don't know why. social games like that make me feel like i need to perform or something.

i really wish i intuitively understood guitar stuff better, but i think i'm getting there, i just need to play more, the practice i'm doing i think is very good. playing hardcore feels like a really good thing for me, i dunno. i hope so. i really like it at least. learning the tricks these bands do is really fun for me, even if it's all really stupidly obvious. just ways to move power chords around and make them weird, and then all the crazy stuff with the half step up/down notes i can do, figuring ways to get all that together in a song is really fun. i'm looking forward to that tomorrow i suppose.

anyway, trying to think of more positives in my life so i don't feel like braining myself. obviously i can't, i love my girlfriend too much, i feel bad that she feels bad about this. it really has very little to do with her. she suggested the interview but i said yes, i showed up even though i knew a little before that a guy i wouldn't like was going to be there. i should have expected this too, but i really hoped i wouldn't look so ugly.

but whatever, i will be okay, i think, so,

byebye!!!!

[shadowofthehost]

"I'm not surprised, it's not easy to impress him and he has quite a chip on his shoulder about modern technology. Clearly more so now then before because of you. I tried showing him how to use my phone once but he seemed more to be humoring me then actually interested. He won't touch it, that's too much like agreeing with you so, he just dismisses it." Astor explained with a shrug, lifting his gaze with a slight grin.

Amused by the others words. "Well, that just sounds like a challenge." He snickered, shaking his head a bit as his grin widened.

"No, far too much work for little entertainment though luring out your maintenance crew is more enticing. Can't fix it if they're dead." He mused but waved his hand dismissively all the same, making it clear he was just joking.

"It's only boring when no one's around, Angel is always working and Alastor is Alastor and everyone else works for Alastor so, I spend more time on my own or out bothering people, sometimes like this or I find an imp to terrorize for an hour. Gets boring after a while so, I sleep to pass the time."

His ears stood up when he felt the claw scrape his skin, eyes dropping to the hand as he considered telling the other to find out for himself but he was quick to think better of that invitation and nodded instead, needing a second to find his voice again after the split second of wanting to feel what those claws were capable of.

"Uh..Yeah, It glows. The same blue as my eyes though I could change that, I'm just fond of blue. It's leftover shade abilities, the light inside me can roll through whatever colors Alastor is feeling that day so, I could be green, pink, red...I just prefer blue." From the moment he opened his eyes, he'd been in aw of the glow that came from it, not quite as ominous as the usual red that came from Alastor but just as terrifying in the right setting. He was fond of the color because Alastors eyes had become that color for just a moment, like a scar on his soul from making the shade a body of his own and Astor claimed that as his own.

"I considered myself a journalist when I first started too. More of a gossip rag then really anything important. Rumors and spun truths, things that I knew but I made them out to be something less harmful, silly things. I wasn't out to ruin reputations, just poke fun." He chuckled for a moment then sighed.

"Unfortunately, at the time I wasn't great at empathy and I was still upsetting people so, I gave it up for a bit. Been trying to get back into it but it's not really all that fun anymore. No one really wants to hear about the box of Alastor pics you have under your nightstand." He snickered, joking of course, he had no idea what was in Voxs bedroom, he had never been in there, figured it wasn't any of his business though the livingroom, kitchen and Vark had been free game.

He smiled then pointed to a dark corner in the other end of the livingroom. "You leave the doors open." He stated plainly as he finally let the others wrist go, his hand turning black and transparent as he spoke.

"Security doesn't do anything against the dark." He mused and with a wave of his hand it was back to normal. "It's how I see things, go unnoticed and get into places without setting things off. Hard to trip an alarm if I don't pass the sensors." He might have been a bit smug about that ability but he used it more often then not for the purpose of stealing snacks then anything else at this point.

"As for holy weapons, I'm immune but Alastor isn't so, if he goes, I go. Luckily he's been pretty good at keeping his head this long so, hopefully, he continues that track record." That was one thing Astor always worried about during extermination. He had witnessed two and though he had fun tossing the sinners stuck on the street to the exterminators, Astor didn't like to think about the possibility Alastor could be killed and take him with him.

"If I do need a hard reset for a limb though, that would be annoying. Thankfully I'd still have a body but it doesn't change the fact I'd have to go through the whole process of conserving energy in a smaller form and letting my body heal. It's just not ideal." He explained as if it was something Alastor had told him too many times that even saying it himself was irritating but he was quick to laugh even just a little.

“Alastor’s always thought that,” Vox still remembers their first meeting, 1956, his head had still been the large, wide and bulky, and more prone to losing his face signal. Before the Blue Light District even had blue lights, or been anything more than a few streets and the very, very early version of this building.

He’s not sure if Alastor has ever realized how instrumental he was to Vox’s rise to power. Century old Overlords and none of them were because twenty years earlier the Radio Demon came with carnage. The Vogitek tower is where it had all started, the TV and the 666 News, long before he was all the media in Hell. "He thought I was an awful upstart in a medium that would never catch on, not like his beloved radio."

He lifts an eye, "It's the heart of the entire city's power grid, rather than just my corner of it." The first time Valentino broke him screen the entire city went dark until he had replaced his screen. Now it can happen, and usually the city stays in, even if Val's corner goes dark, better control, and better awareness, but it's always humming in the back of his mind, all those people hooked into it, store fronts full of screens. Despite Alastor's derision, it had cottoned on. "It would have to be enough, and destroyed thoroughly enough, that the people I keep on staff for maintenance couldn't fix them quickly."

"Apt comparison. I suppose even in the city that never sleeps, theres always going to be boredom." He's isn't going to ask how that works. Innate knowledge? Convenience? He knows because Alastor does? The biology of Hell is baffling at best, in large part because it obeys no laws of consistency. He runs a blue-tipped claw gently across Astor's wrist, "Does it glow?" His subtle pleasure at their shared azure has not faded.

"I was a journalist first," he says, diploma is long, long gone, but it's true. He had been good at the math, it's not why he didn't pursue engineering further, it just... hadn't stood out, he hadn't had the creativity or the temperament for it. Granted, the journalism didn't last long, just long enough to get him a job with the television.

He twists his hand, so he's no longer touching Astor's wrist, and but he does eye the scar, different than the rest of his... skin? He laughs, and with the free arm, gestures around the apartment. "I couldn't stop you getting in even if I wanted to. You bypassed all the security measures. Promise, I don't plan on using it." He doesn't want to either, but it comforts him to understand if nothing else, the same curiosity of the kid that wanted to know how everything worked. "If would be you who is immune to holy weapons."

"Even if you did lose an arm, I have to wonder if it would grow back line the sinners do when they regenerate, permanent only until a reset." A sinners body can take a lot, more than Vox realized until he met Valentino, but even then, when 'death' comes, it all resets.

[fics-n-stuff]

Deep Breaths

For @inquistitorebony, see request here

Pairing: Kaz Brekker × Reader

Summary: Y/N's anxiety gets the best of them on a job, but thankfully Kaz knows how to handle it.

Word Count: 3.4k

Warnings: Panic attacks, brief violence, fake blood, explosions

A/N: Ahh I'm so sorry this took me so long to write!! I had writer's block and I thought I was getting out of my slump but then it just got so much worse again. I had to try so hard to get this finished and I genuinely can't tell if it's good or not, so I really hope you enjoy it 🤞🏽❤

You knew the plan. At least, you thought you knew the plan. You could never be sure with Kaz. Regardless, you were in place where he’d told you to be, weapons concealed in your outfit and Jesper at your side.

“This is crazy. You realise this is crazy, right?” You said, peering around the corner of the alley to get a view of the bridge and the crowds of locals and tourists alike.

“Everything we do is crazy.” Jesper replied with a smirk. “That’s what makes it fun.”

Sometimes you had to wonder how you ended up here, working for Kaz Brekker of all people. The answer to that question was that Jesper had dragged you into it, but then came the question of how the hell you and Jesper had become friends in the first place. That answer was more complicated.

The university of Ketterdam was where your parents had sent you to keep you out of trouble, to get an education so that you could do something useful and conventional with your life. Unfortunately for them, you only succeeded in getting yourself into trouble. Jesper had been the root of that. He was the one who had encouraged you to join him and a group of students on that first night out in East Stave.

You’d managed to stay in university longer than him, but the pull of adventure that the Barrel offered eventually got the better of you. When Jesper fell in deep with the gambling halls and turned to Kaz and the Dregs, you had followed after him for no reason other than the thrill. Which was strange, considering the immense anxiety that you carried through life.

Jesper had questioned it at the time, and sometimes continued to question you on it, but you couldn’t explain it to him. The type of thrill that your exploits with the Dregs provided wasn’t the type that triggered your anxiety, generally speaking. Talking to people was your weak point, fighting or stealing from them was usually fine.

Kaz had been skeptical about you at first, but Jesper was adamant that he should bring you onboard. It wasn’t long before he came to see that you certainly had your uses and you worked in a team, especially with Jesper at your side. He never mentioned your anxiety, but nothing slipped past Kaz. He definitely knew even before he had witnessed the full effect of it, and you had noticed long ago how he tended to keep you off of jobs that might cause you to panic.

“I see the signal from Nina.” Jesper said, eyes on a flash of light coming from a window up the street. “Get ready.”

“Born ready.” You smirked.

“I’ve been rubbing off on you. I’m not sure I like what I’ve created.” He commented, and you rolled your eyes.

“Distraction time, Jes.” You said, bursting a capsule of fake blood between your teeth and slamming another one against you chest before stumbling out of the alleyway. Your nice, white shirt now had a fresh red stain, blood running down you chin, and you looked just like a well-to-do tourist who had run into the wrong crowd.

“Help!” You heard Jesper shout in Zemini right behind you, and eyes began to turn in your direction. “We’ve been attacked!”

“Somebody get help!” You followed up in a fake Zemini accent, which Jesper had earlier remarked upon as being scarily accurate. It was right then that the stadwatch patrol that you had been sent out to distract in the first place rounded the corner. “Guards! Help!”

The stadwatch turned to the source of the commotion, and rushed immediately over to you. That was something that they wouldn’t do if you were dressed in your regular Barrel attire.

“In Ghezen's name, what happened?” One of them exclaimed. Jesper began rambling in Zemini, doing a very good job of acting frantic with his hand on the tailored bruises around his eye and over his cheek. You caught a glimpse of Kaz emerging out of the next street down, completely unnoticed thanks to your distraction.

“Do you speak Kerch?” A guard asked you after being unable to get anything helpful out of Jesper.

“Yes, yes I speak Kerch.” You answered, straining your voice as if you were in pain. “They came out of nowhere, attacked us and stole our things.”

The guard reached out to move your shirt, and you let out a scream of pain to deter him. It worked and he jumped back, eyes wide and afraid.

“We need to get you to a medik.” He said quickly, and you nodded. You turned to Jesper and recited the Zemini sentence that you had practiced all morning, just incase an onlooker happened to actually be Zemini.

“Give me some help, I can't walk like this.” You said. He nodded, shaking his arm out of the grip of the other stadwatch guard and reaching out to pick you up. Practically effortless with all that farmer’s strength.

“Alright, follow us.” The guard said, but as he took the first step there was a deafening bang and a huge plume of smoke from the street around the corner.

Perfect timing, Wylan.

Panic overtook the street, the stadwatch guards turning their attention from you to the smoke rising over the buildings. They started shouting to the people around, trying to keep them calm.

Another blast sounded, and now people were running. Jesper set you down, and you patted over the pistol concealed in your jacket just in case.

“Let’s get moving.” Jesper said, as quietly as he could for you to still hear him over the commotion. You nodded, your heart beating fast as people stormed past you. You didn’t like big crowds, and there were more people here than it had initially appeared. There was a handkerchief in your pocket, and you took it out and wiped the fake blood off of your face.

The two of you began following the flow of the crowd, when suddenly there was a flash of light and a cloud of dust flew towards you as another blast went off up ahead.

That wasn’t part of the plan.

Your heart jumped and your breathing immediately quickened as the people who had been running that way now pressed back towards you. Jesper grabbed your arm, seeing the panic that was beginning to fill your eyes. The explosions weren’t creating any damage, just a loud bang and a lot of smoke, but these people didn’t know that and they wanted to get as far from them as possible as fast as possible.

“We’ll go around.” Jesper said, tugging on your arm to pull you after him as he made a beeline for the nearest alleyway.

Your heart was pounding in your ears as you let Jesper drag you through the alley onto the next street across, which was just as crowded with panicked people. He pulled you along behind him as he wove through the crowd towards the rendezvous point, your mind spinning and your chest tight. You didn’t even realise that you were there until he pushed you back against a wall and moved you to sit down on the ground.

“Hey, Y/N, look at me.” He said, a firm hand on your shoulder. “Deep breaths, okay?” He turned to look over his shoulder at Kaz and Wylan. “What happened? Why was there a third explosion?”

“Things didn’t go exactly according to plan.” Kaz replied. “We had to prolong the distraction to get away.”

“I always keep extra equipment on me; I gave it to Inej and told her to set it off further up from the bridge if we ran into trouble. It was the best option we had.” Wylan added.

“Right, well, tell that to Y/N's anxiety.” Jesper huffed.

“Jesper, you and Wylan have to keep going.” Kaz said.

“What? Look at Y/N, I’m not leaving-"

“Now, Jesper, or all of this has been for nothing.”

“But Y/N was supposed to come with us.” Wylan fretted.

“You’ll make it work. Now go, I’ll deal with Y/N.”

“This is my best friend, Kaz.” Jesper said, leaving your side to approach Kaz, practically squaring up to him. “This isn’t a problem you can solve with planning and scheming, this is a serious human issue and you don’t have a great record with those.”

“I have it handled, Jesper.” Kaz responded firmly.

“Go, Jesper.” You spoke up, elbows rested on drawn up knees, your chest rising and falling heavily. You nodded. “I’ll be fine.” He looked at you, concern on his face, but eventually sighed and nodded back.

“Alright.” He said, stepping back over and lightly patting your head comfortingly. “Come on, merchling.”

Jesper and Wylan moved on to the next step of the plan, leaving you and Kaz alone. He took a seat on the floor against the wall opposite you in the small space, his bad leg outstretched in front of him and his cane resting across his lap. You looked at him, the edges of your vision still blurry.

“I apologise for not warning you ahead of time.” He said after a moment. “I should have accounted for the fact that such a surprise would have a negative impact on you.”

Kaz was generally cold – unaffectionate and pragmatic – but you had a suspicion that he’d always secretly had a soft spot for you. He was considerate of your feelings; he was even almost nice to you when nobody else was around. You quite liked the Kaz that you got to see. It was different to the Kaz that Jesper always complained about.

“What could have possibly given the impression that I was impacted negatively?” You managed to joke, but you choked on your laugh as your body desperately tried to fill your lungs.

“Hey, look at me.” Kaz said before you could start hyperventilating again. “Put your knees down, open up your chest.” You complied, and your body thanked you for the action as some of the strain in your chest alleviated.

“Sometimes I wonder why the hell I put myself in these situations.” You panted.

“I did warn you against it, but you seemed determined to follow in Jesper's footsteps.” He replied. “You’ve made a pretty good go of it regardless. Hold your breath for a second, you’re still breathing too fast.”

You followed the instruction, drawing a deep breath and holding it in your chest for a few seconds, and when you let it out your breathing was slower.

“This is stupid.” You muttered. “I should be over this by now, it’s pathetic.”

“No it’s not.” Kaz said plainly. “It’s something you’ve experienced for a long time, it’s not just going to go away.”

“No one else let’s their problems get in the way on a job.”

“That’s not true, it just happens differently. You still have some fake blood on your face by the way.” It would be dry by now, no point trying to wipe it off with a handkerchief, so you simply shrugged.

“What does that mean, ‘it happens differently’?”

“If you pay close attention you’ll notice.” He answered vaguely. “Though, I know you’re very aware of the hurdle that the gambling halls pose to Jesper. That’s caused some trouble on jobs in the past.” You chuckled lightly, nodding in agreement.

You sat in silence for a while, focused on evening out your breathing. Kaz wasn’t good at dealing with emotions so you would expect that he wouldn’t be very good at dealing with your panic attacks, but actually his straightforward approach was pretty effective. Maybe his voice was just so commanding that even your anxiety couldn’t help but do what he said.

Generally, Kaz acted like the panic attack wasn’t happening. Just like today, other than to give you an instruction to calm you down he would just talk to you like he normally would. It was usually helpful, a good distraction or something like that.

There was one time, however, that Kaz had been more worried about you than you had thought was possible. It hadn’t been on a job, just a normal night at the Crow Club. You had been trying to drag Jesper away from the cards table when a fight had broken out. Being a member of the Dregs, and so technically a sort-of employee of the gambling hall, you had stepped in to try and break it up.

You weren’t intimidated by the fact that one of the men was at least twice your size, you had held your own against that before, and knowing that there was security that would step in soon had you assured that all would be fine. But when you placed a hand on one of the men’s shoulder – not the big guy, one of the other men in the fight – to try and stop him from going towards the man he had decided was his enemy, he had turned on you with such speed that you had no chance to defend yourself before his hand closed around your neck.

Your memory was a little spotty from that point on. You remembered being slammed against a wall, maybe even lifted off the ground. Jesper drew his gun, and you’re sure that if shooting customers wasn’t so frowned upon that he wouldn’t have hesitated to fire.

It didn’t last long. His outburst had effectively ended the fight that had been taking place and turned the attention of every assisting party to you. The man holding you had been taken down by a few swift hits from the hulking Dregs member that Kaz liked to have as security, and by that point Dirtyhands himself had been drawn out of his little office in the back by the commotion.

To hear Jesper tell it, it was like your body hadn’t realised that your airway was no longer being compressed and you just weren’t really breathing. Kaz had instructed Jesper and the security guard to get you up and into the back office before demanding an explanation from the person closest to him.

You didn’t see Kaz break the man’s hand with his cane, but you remember hearing the scream.

Once it was just you, Kaz and Jesper in the office, Kaz’s demeanor changed instantly. Not that you were really cognizant enough to notice right away, but Jesper wouldn’t shut up about it for a little while. What had seemed, while out on the floor of the gambling hall, just to be a Barrel boss squashing a disruption to his business and doling out payback on behalf of a friend turned into seething rage, which in turn became a constant look of concern as he intently watched Jesper coax you to start breathing properly.

Jesper had business to attend to later that night, so after a while it was just you and Kaz sat in the office. He fetched you a glass of water and sat with you until you were feeling better, never taking his eyes off of you. You had told him about your anxiety, but until then he had never seen it in full effect.

Since that day he had been more in tune with that part of you, learning how to tell when you were having a bad day and remembering what kinds if things made you panic. If he caught you when your anxiety was spiking he would stay and just talk to you. It was nice of him.

“Sit up straight.” Kaz said, and you were snapped out of your thoughts when you felt the tip of his cane pressing gently against your shoulder. You realised how far you had curled in on yourself and leaned back against the wall. Kaz had drilled it into your head that opening up your posture would help you breathe better, but sometimes you needed reminding anyway. “How are feeling?”

“Better.” You mumbled with a slight nod.

“How are the edges of your vision? Still fuzzy?”

“A tiny bit.” You answered, trying not to smile at the fact that he remembered how your vision went fuzzy when you had a panic attack. “If I ask you a question, will you answer me honestly?”

“Sure.”

“Why do you bother with me?” The question had been weighing on your mind for a long time, but in the past few weeks it had felt like it had been pressing for you to actually ask. You thought that Kaz liked you, but at the same you couldn’t think of a reason for that to be true.

“What do you mean by that?” Kaz asked, his head tilting a minuscule amount and his brow furrowing ever so slightly in curiosity.

“I mean, why do you keep me around? Why do you bring me on jobs? Why do you bother learning how to take care of me? Maybe at first it was for Jesper's sake but surely that can’t be the case now, so why?”

Kaz watched you for a moment, folded his hands in his lap and cleared his throat.

“You’re a valuable member of the team.” He answered matter-of-factly. “You work well with others, you’re a fast learner, you seem to genuinely enjoy being a member of the Dregs most of the time. As for why I’ve learned to take care of you, well, what kind of a leader would I be if I didn’t? You know me, I like to know everything that there possibly is to know when it comes to my business and my team.”

“Right.” You nodded. “That makes sense.”

“You don’t like that answer.”

“What?”

“I know you well enough to know what your face does when you’re unhappy.”

“I’m not unhappy.”

“Don’t lie to me, Y/N. What is it that you wanted me to say?” His question made you feel suddenly quite embarrassed, and you averted you eyes with a shrug.

“I don’t know, I guess I just thought that maybe you actually liked me. You know, as a friend.” You mumbled. You glanced back at Kaz long enough to see the corner of his mouth twitch upwards.

“If I told you that I liked you, would it make you feel better?” He asked. He wasn’t being sarcastic or mocking you, but you still became even more embarrassed.

“Forget about it, it doesn’t matter. I’m feeling much better now so we should probably start moving-"

“Y/N.” Kaz interrupted, and you froze mid-motion of standing up. “I do like you, but I don’t have friends.”

He moved to stand up, and you finished getting to your feet. You watched him use his cane as leverage to get up off the floor, and if it had been anyone else but Kaz you would have offered a hand to help him up.

“You do too have friends.” You replied with a tiny smile. “You, Jesper and Inej are a trio of best friends if I’ve ever seen one.”

“I thought Jesper was your best friend.”

“People can have more than one best friend, Kaz.”

“The more friends you have, the more leverage your enemies have against you. That’s why I don’t have any.” He stated, taking the first step. You assumed that you would be heading to where he was supposed to meet Nina and Matthias. He was late – just how late you weren’t sure, the passage of time alluded you during panic attacks – but they probably weren’t all too worried.

“I think you just tell yourself that we’re not your friends so that you feel better about having a weak spot.” You said, teasing slightly. “Do you like me as much as you like Jesper?”

“I like you more than Jesper. You’re less of a thorn in my side.”

“Aw, Kaz! That’s so sweet.” You smiled. He scoffed.

“I take it you’re feeling better?”

“Yeah, I’m good.”

“Good.”

“Can I ask you one more question?” You inquired, and Kaz sighed before humming an agreement. “Do you maybe like me for a different reason than that I’m less annoying than Jesper?”

There was a beat of silence, and Kaz inhaled.

“I enjoy having you around.” He answered vaguely, but you could see in his eyes in the sidelong look that he gave you that it was deeper than that. You smiled, satisfied and not needing to push.

“Good. Me too.” You muttered, and the two of you continued walking, side by side.

[stayarmytinyzenmoa-l]

Prominence [WCh. 2.2]

Social Media AU ; Idol AU ; Added Unit AU CW/TW: Language Genre: Comedy, Romance Pairing: NCT x Idol!Reader, Seonghwa x Reader Y/N Pronouns: Female (She/Her) Word Count: 3.6K

(2/80) [First] | [Previous] | [Next] [NCT Masterlist] | [Other Groups Masterlist] | [Prominence S1 Masterlist] | [Prominence S2 Masterlist]

Notes: Didn't think I'd get to this guy so soon, did you? Also the [Prominence poll] is still up if you're curious hehe Disclaimer: Please remember that this is an AU and a work of fiction, obviously the idols mentioned/written about in this story would never partake in these actions. The idols mentioned in this work are meant to be seen more as face claims rather than the actual idols themselves.

Feedback is greatly appreciated!! Thank you for reading!

Today is January 12. It's January 12 and Seonghwa only has today to make things right with you before he leaves.

"Seonghwa, are you listening?" His manager says with a curt voice. "You need to figure out what's going on with you and (Y/N) now. The company's been on my ass about you two. The PR team needs to know because rumors are already spreading. We either confirm your breakup or we post something to deny it."

"I know, I just..."

"It's hard, I understand. Dating's a messed up thing, I get it, but listen. You're both idols, you need to be transparent about this if you want to avoid a scandal or some blown up rumors about how you cheated on her or she cheated on you, do you know what I mean? You fix this now so both you and her can avoid the headache that can come from this," his manager's words, although stern, held some sympathy in them.

"How do I even do that? Does she even want to see me? She blocked me back." Who knew that when he finally opened his messages after unblocking you, and seeing the masses of texts that had piled up from you over the past three days, he would instead see something that absolutely destroyed him. And to make the whole situation worse, he couldn't contact you at all. You weren't picking up his calls or answering his texts, it was like you had a whole new number altogether. All of his messages didn't even go through, all of the explanations and the pleas, as he scrolled through them even he thought they looked pathetic.

"Well, do what you two did best. Communicate," his manager ended the conversation by walking out first.

Communicate. Right. You were both so good at that until this point but... those recordings that Juliet had. He wanted to tell you about them first at least. He needed to come clean to you about that. But how could he do that if you blocked him?!

And he didn't blame you, he couldn't.

After all, he blocked you first.

But now? He's going to set things right with you, he had to. It was the least he could do for you. And if you didn't accept his apology? So be it, that's your choice and he understands that. But if you gave him a second chance? Even better. He just didn't want things to end with you on as horrible a note as it seemed. If only he didn't take Juliet on that offer, he should've thought it through first, no... He should've told you first. He should've explained everything to you before going through with everything.

But he didn't.

~

The first thing Seonghwa did was walk into the Police Station.

"Hello, how can we help you?" The woman at the front desk asked, but once she looked up a small gasp left her mouth. "Oh, oh my, you're-"

"Park Seonghwa, hello there," he nods his head with a smile. "Is there any way I can get an officer to escort me to a restaurant tonight?"

"I'm sorry?"

"I have reason to suspect someone's unlawfully stalking myself and my partner," Seonghwa says. "And I'd like for that to end tonight."

"I, uh, I'll see what I can do, I suppose. Has this person done anything to you specifically? Unless there's proof of physical assault or property damages, we can't do much about a stalker, unfortunately," she scrambles to grab the phone regardless. But, with her phone against her ear, Seonghwa only nodded.

"I don't have the proof on me, but if she did something in front of an officer that's arrest-worthy, would that count?"

"Um... I suppose it would, but it would be incredibly hard to have one of our officers follow you for the night," she shakes her head, still waiting for the call to connect. "But we'll see what we can do. Do you have any names or locations?"

"Yes. First name Juliet and Family name Park. Location will be the Silver Spoon across the ways from the SM Ent. building."

"Juliet? That's a Western name, no? Does she have a-"

"Not to my knowledge, no," Seonghwa looks at the time. "I'm sorry, I really have to go. I need to end this quickly so I can go back and apologize to someone."

"Oh! Okay, like I said, I'll see what we can do, Mr. Park," the receptionist tries to call again.

"Thank you, again I'm sorry for not following proper procedure on this whole thing, it's just an emergency and, you know..."

"It's quite alright, we get a lot of these from other idols as well so we're well equipped," she says.

"Thank you, thank you, and happy new year's!" Seonghwa smiles and is quick to rush out of the station. Okay, even if he couldn't get Juliet detained tonight, at least they could set up a full-on investigation if anything. Maybe. He didn't actually know how this stuff worked and he didn't have much time to research it.

Step one, end things with Juliet. Step two, apologize to you.

Easier said than done, granted.

When he arrived at that restaurant, the one right next to your aunt's, he wasn't surprised to see Juliet sitting there already. With her phone on the table and her head nestled on top of the back of her hands, he could tell that she's been waiting. He didn't grace her with formalities as he sat down and placed the two items on the table. The waiter, meanwhile, stood next to their table and filled his glass with what looked to be white wine, then he was gone as fast as he arrived. Her eyes shifted down to the velvet box and then to him.

"That for her?" She asks as she takes the box in her hands and opens it. Seonghwa had to hold himself back right then and there to take it back. He couldn't do anything that could make this situation even worse than it already was. She takes the ring out. "Last I checked, (Y/N) wasn't one for diamonds."

"Luckily for me, your opinion means nothing."

"Ouch," she takes the ring out and slips it onto her own finger. "Would you look at that? A perfect fit."

"Take it off," Seonghwa's glance narrowed and Juliet just shrugged. Seonghwa rolled his eyes and then he caught it. Maybe it was just him, just him seeing things at the corner of his eyes, but, for a brief moment, he could've sworn that he saw you standing outside. But that was impossible, no, you should be at Doyoung's party right now, no? That's what Yeseul had told him at least. But he couldn't shake off that feeling. When Juliet slipped the ring off and placed it back in the box, she placed it in the middle of the table again. "Leave us alone. I've already reported you to the authorities and it's only a matter of time before an open investigation starts on you."

"That's if they find proof," she scoffs. Seonghwa glances down at his phone. He opens his messages and, immediately, his blood ran cold. He looked at the message sent that morning, one he had written in such a state of distraught that he didn't realize how horrible it sounded. And what made it worst? The person he sent it to. He stood up in a flash, his seat knocking behind him and before Juliet could say anything Seonghwa grabbed the velvet box and rushed out of the restaurant, he looked both ways before running toward the company building, and that's when he saw you.

Yangyang was holding you close to him, and the two made eye contact. Yangyang only shook his head and Seonghwa understood. He understood but he couldn't find it in himself to leave. Then, as the fireworks lit up the sky and you pulled away, Seonghwa saw it. You were so enamored with the night sky that you couldn't even tell how lovestruck the boy next to you was. Again, Yangyang looked to Seonghwa and he knew.

He screwed up big time. He doesn't even know if he could fix this. And when you looked at Yangyang? Seonghwa felt his heart break. What did he do? Then, you were gone. Seonghwa looked at his phone again. There was no fixing this, it was over for both of you.

It was over.

~

Fuck it, he only had today before their world tour started, he had to make things right with you now. He was about to head out of the company building before he was interrupted.

"No way! Park Seonghwa!" A familiar voice prompted the idol to turn his head around and an old school friend of his waved his hand at such a fast speed that he could barely see it. Great, of course now that he's in a rush he had to be stopped.

"Oh! Kyungjae!" Seonghwa rose his hand in greeting and his previous junior finally caught up to him. No one knew yet. No one knew, and he had to keep up images. Plus, Kyungjae was a good friend of his way back when and to see him now was shocking. Talk about a small world, he didn't think he'd run into anyone from his school days but looks like he was wrong.

"Holy, wow, it's been forever, you look great! I almost didn't recognize you, hyung," he smiles and holds his hand up. Seonghwa high fives it and Kyungjae smiles. Last he saw the younger man was when he couldn't even look at a girl before becoming a nervous wreck, but looks like he really improved on his appearances. He held himself more confidently, that much was certain. If Seonghwa wasn't in such a rush, he would've genuinely taken his Junior out for lunch to get caught up.

"It has been a while, speaking of, why are you here? If you don't mind me asking! It's nice to see you too, I'm just wondering why you're at the company specifically," Seonghwa blinks, trying his best to stay polite despite the rush he was in. He glances at the time on his watch while he waits for Kyungjae to answer.

"Oh! I applied for a staff position here," he says.

"Did you? That's wonderful, you got a callback?"

"I did!"

"I guess that means you're going on tour with us, right?"

"Oh, no. I'm here to decline it."

"... Huh?!"

"I got offered a better position at a different company, so I'm here to rescind my application," Kyungjae rubs the back of his head awkwardly. "Well, you look like you're in a rush, so I'll talk to you later! Good luck on your tour, hyung!" Kyungjae walked off first and Seonghwa waved goodbye, continuing on his way to the NCT dorms.

The ride couldn't have been any longer, and he was practically flying on his feet when he dashed into the dorm building, nodding his head towards the security guard as he jumped into the elevator and pressed the button for the highest floor. He could feel his heart thrum in his chest as the floors ascended and, finally, they stopped. The doors opened and Seonghwa stepped out, his hand hovering over the front door. He knocked on it harshly, when there was no response, he did it again. Still, nothing. Right as he was about to knock once more, it opened and Johnny glared at him.

"Nope. No way. Out. Leave. You're not welcome here anymore," Johnny shook his head and pointed toward the elevator.

"I just need to talk to her."

"Nope. You had days to do it and you sat on your ass while she locked herself in her room, and now you have the audacity to show up here and-" Seonghwa pushed past Johnny and started to make his way toward the ANiMA side and Jeno sighed on the couch. He stood up and blocked Seonghwa's way.

"Drop it, Seonghwa. It's not worth it," Jeno held his hand up. "You can't expect to just barge in here and get what you want," he says. "Leave before you make a scene, okay? Just be glad it's only me and Johnny here and not Jihyun or Yuta," he tried to bargain.

"I only have today, I have to talk to her," Seonghwa insists. Jeno had worry in his eyes as he looks to Johnny. Then, the door opened behind Jeno and Mars bounded out.

"Johnny, can you watch Mars for me while I go with-" You stopped talking as soon as you saw him.

And, just like that, Seonghwa felt his heart break all over again. And, maybe he was just imagining it, but he could see it in your eyes too. Just one look substituted a whole conversation, and the weight of everything he'd done to this point just seemed all the more heavier. Suddenly, Mars bit Seonghwa, as if to reprimand him for hurting you so much and Seonghwa, as much as he wanted to apologize, knew that a dog couldn’t understand the situation at all. Yet Mars seemed to growl at him as if he truly knew the gravity of it all.

"What the...? Mars, down!" Seonghwa commands. Mars only responded by biting down harder and Seonghwa tugged his hand out of his jaw and shook the pain off.

"Mars!" You stepped into the room and called him back to your side. "Why would you do that? No biting," you scolded him and, althought Mars whimpered for a moment, he turned and stood protectively in front of you. Seonghwa took a step towards you and Mars barked, snarling at the person who was once his father. The door opposite opened and Yangyang walked out.

"(Y/N), turns out we're not actually allowed to leave the dorms so, uh, change of plans, I hope you like Jenga," Yangyang spoke aimlessly until Mars dashed from his spot to him, nudging Yangyang toward the scene.

"Yeah, that's fine... I'm going back inside," you were quick to retreat back into the ANiMA side and just as Seonghwa made a move to follow you, Jeno placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Want to see how that one ends?" He quirks an eyebrow and Johnny opens the front door again.

"Just, uh, just go, Seonghwa," Yangyang pets Mars and the dog growls in Seonghwa's direction. "You're making it worse."

"I just need to explain what happened, I know it's late, but she deserves to know-"

"To know why you've been cheating on her?!" Yangyang shouts. At this, even Johnny was shocked. It was a rare sight to see Yangyang raise his voice at all.

"Cheating? (Y/N) didn't tell us about that one," Jeno stepped back, standing with shoulders squared and glance narrowed.

"What?! I would never... What are you talking about? How dare you accuse me-"

"Oh, if that was a misunderstanding, then what about treating her like a fucking object? You can have her? Have? Are you kidding me?" Yangyang threw his hands out in exaggerated movements. Now Johnny was leaning against the wall, not out of amusement, but in some way to seemingly hold back. "And now you barge in here trying to act like a goody-two-shoes boyfriend expecting her to just listen to you after the stunt you pulled on New Year's? And not only that, you think you can just act like everything's okay after blocking her for no reason when you're the one who broke up with her over a damn phone call?" Yangyang snapped. "No. Fuck that. Get out of here," Yangyang points toward the door and Seonghwa stood at a loss for words. "Clearly, she doesn't want to talk to you right now. I don't know what you did to deserve her in the first place but after you treated her like that you just stooped to the lowest of the low-" Yangyang stopped talking once his phone started ringing in his back pocket. He took it out and read the contact name. It just took a glance from Seonghwa to know it was you. Yangyang glared at him before answering it. "Yeah?" His voice was noticeably quieter. "But- What do you mean drop it? No! What the hell? He treated you like shit why would I... fine! Okay, fine..." he hands Seonghwa his phone.

"(Y/N)," Seonghwa said your name as soon as the phone was against his ear. "Let me explain, please. What you saw at that restaurant isn't what you think, let's talk. You and I, please. Alone," he glanced at the three people in the main room.

"I don't want to." The waver in your voice broke him.

"It's all one big misunderstanding. Just let me in so I can explain-"

"I don't know if I can even trust you anymore, Seonghwa. What more secrets are you keeping from me, huh? How long have you two known each other?"

"I don't think 'known' is the right word to use."

"Well, I don't care, I don't care about you anymore. You just go and be happy with fucking Juliet and her pretty diamond ring and go live the best life you can because I don't want anything to do with it!" He could hear your shout from the other side of the door. If his heart could break any more than it already was, then that certainly did the trick. And the worst part? He couldn't blame you, at all. "You're horrible. Horrible. I trusted you with everything and you didn't trust me at all. I don't want to talk to you or see you right now. Just leave. Please."

"(Y/N). It's a big misunderstanding, the ring wasn't meant for that..."

"Just go!" Again, your shout was clear from the other side of the door and, when Mars growled at him again, Seonghwa knew he only had one option. "Just... go, okay? You're making this harder than it already is."

"But it doesn't have to be."

"Just go on your tour, or whatever. I know that's why you're here, you couldn't do a tour knowing that you fucked up so now you're here for yourself. Either that or the company forced you to come here yourself, you didn't make that choice, I know that. We're done. I can't be in this relationship if you're not going to trust me, and I can't go into this relationship if I can't trust you. Okay? Just... go, please."

"We can-"

"We can't! And even if we could, I don't want to right now. I don't have the time to worry about this and I don't have the patience anymore. You hurt me beyond words and I still can't believe you did it and nothing you say can change the fact that it happened. So go. Go while I'm still being nice."

"(Y/N)."

"Don't." You hung up the phone and Seonghwa put it down on the coffee table. If it wasn't your final words that got him to leave, it was the glares from the others in the room that prompted him to turn around and make his way back to the door, and it was Johnny to shut it behind him with a clear "And stay out!"

There really was no fixing this, was there? And the missed calls from Hongjoong were enough to prove the severity of this situation. With one last glance back at the door, he stepped back into the elevator. He knocked his head against the back of it and he answered his phone.

"Where are you? We've been looking all over for you!" Hongjoong's voice was frantic.

"It's over, Hongjoong. For good," was all Seonghwa could say. "There's no hope, she won't even listen to me."

"Geez, I don't blame her."

"Hongjoong!"

"What? Want me to lie? (Y/N) isn't someone to just bend over and accept apologies, you know that better than I do. If what I heard from Saeron is right, then she's more than just heartbroken, she's betrayed."

"What did Saeron tell you?"

"She said she saw you give a ring to Juliet. What was that?"

"What? I didn't give Juliet anything..." Seonghwa's voice trailed when he realized what Hongjoong meant by it. "Oh my god, she saw that?"

"Apparently. Hyung, just come back for now. We'll deal with this after the tour when you've both had some time off to think about things," Hongjoong says.

"Yeah, I'm on my way back now," Seonghwa says as the elevator slides open. "Hongjoong, give me an hour."

"No! Absolutely not! Come back here, you're going to make the situation worse!"

"Sir, we've just gotten notice to not allow you in the building anymore," the security guard stands in front of Seonghwa and he takes a deep breath.

"Of course you did, don't worry, I'm on my way out," he hangs up the phone and walks out of the dorm building.

He's going to fix this, he has to, somehow... once he comes back from his tour, he will. His phone rang again, only this time, it wasn't someone as kindly as Hongjoong.

"Hello?" He answered it.

"Seonghwa, the company's hard-pressing this, they want it resolved before take off. Did you and (Y/N) talk it out?" His manager's voice was frantic.

"Not really, no."

"What do you mean?"

"We're through. I don't think we'll be getting back together any time soon, either."

"I'm so sorry, Seonghwa. Do you want to announce it yourself?"

"I..." he did. "I can't."

"I understand, I'll tell the company." His manager hung up. Not even five minutes later, the group chat was blowing up. He didn't have to read the messages to know that it had been done. The fact that it happened so quickly just told him that the company had just been waiting on his go-ahead, who knew how long they had the article in their drafts until he finally admitted it to himself.

Seonghwa's phone was in his hands as he scrolled through all the replies and quote retweets on the [official post]. Official. Right. It's over and done with for real now. The company had told him to either figure it out with you or announce the breakup before their tour started and, well, here he was, reading his company's statement on the whole thing. He couldn't even do it himself, part of him still felt like the whole thing was simply just a horrid nightmare. A nightmare, that's what this all was.

General Tag List: @vickylamore @chxngyunie @sehunnies-hunnie96 @yangsrose @bat-shark-repellant @cloudreads @raeincitizen @here-aeth @lune1897 @gaiyofanfiction @jaeminsespresso @umbralhelwolf @morningsunandnightsky

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[yourhealthislow]

It shouldn't have been so difficult right? Hellos were the same as goodbyes, and good morning and goodnight all meant the same to me. Nothing but empty pleasantries. However, lately these words scratch at me, knawing at my subconscious and threatening to swallow me whole.

But they're just words.

Right?

Its all that rotten Sparrow's fault. Ever since he showed up I can't help but feel different, and it is certainly not a good different.

I have never, in all my years, met a man so intent on getting under my skin; a presence so insistent it demands my attention and my answers. He's so... Infuriating seems too meager a word to describe this, unfortunately.

Bit by bit he's chipped at my edges, my walls. Bit by bit he's begun to crack my very foundations, and I fear he will cause me to collapse. I cannot allow that.

Yet...

A part of me wants him to.

Part of me craves this collapse; utter destruction and the elevation of pressure to maintain this... This. There's no proper description of what I have become, there's only... This.

It has been a very, very long time since I've felt a desire outside of wealth or my bedroom, and it is quite disconcerting. I cannot wrap my head around it, either.

Every simple touch he gives drives me closer to madness. A pat on the back that's a bit too hard because of his strength. A little squish of my face as he excitedly taps his feet like a child over a puppy. A soothing hand on my shoulder... Its only grown more frequent since he purchased my old house, the bastard.

He must have found my old journal...

I knew I should have burned that thing when I had a chance... But...

I couldn't.

A partial record of my ancient sins and long forgotten history...

I still wonder how the Hero known as Druid would have reacted to everything... Druid had seen Oakvale burn in his youth, lost everything in a night... I bet I would be dead if he had been around that night.

But that damnable journal must be why Sparrow has been so touchy feely towards me. That doesn't, however, explain why the other two are so different to me now.

Those two are far more likely to mock me or ignore me because of that thing.

However, Hammer has given me meals lately, albeit grumpily. Garth has healed me, unprompted, after particularly nasty fights. They seem... Kinder towards me, I suppose? I'm unsure if I should be happy or what.

-----------

I broke...

He did it.

He fucking did it!

Sparrow irreversibly cracked my foundations, shook my core, and destroyed every barrier I had put up, knowingly or not.

And I'm not proud to admit this...

I cried.

I cried like a damned baby and I am ashamed that Garth and Hammer saw it.

And all it took was a fucking hug.

A hug!!

I cannot meet any of their eyes, but they don't exactly expect me to I guess. However, Hammer is quieter with me, Garth is more touchy (I presume he has no idea what to say to me), and Sparrow will not leave my side.

And despite my shame and frustration... I feel safe. I feel almost better in a way. Strange...

I never truly knew I was feeling so badly. I suppose I hid it from myself as well as I hid it from others? Who knew grief could hit you so hard?

Honestly, it felt like a troll had hit me square in the chest. An unyielding, sharp and blunt pain that only fades after hours.

Or was it even grief? Perhaps it was guilt, though that is unlik-.

No...

That's false...

Its not unlikely, its most likely... Guilt for that night so very long ago. /Her/ voice still rings out loudest amongst all of them. Its Her voice I hear in my dreams.

Yet...

And yet.

These three... This band of mismatched idiots are of far more comfort than any lover, drink, or guilty pleasure. I honestly appreciate it....

But they don't have to know that.

[alpine-sitte]

@limelocked That's pretty much exactly what I was trying to express in my post. When people talk about magic here on tumblr (only place where I am able to interact with other pagans currently until I finally manage to locate even a single other pagan in my area or even state), they seem to have this very specific idea of a system with hard rules and specific applications that are removed from ordinary everyday life.

And that's what kinda bothers me about the whole thing? Why is it being decoupled from the routines of daily life and daily experiences of living? And are there "facts" that people simply take for granted because they're being repeated by everyone or is there actual historical evidence? And even if there is, especially if you have written records, who is the author of those records and what is their biases/privileges/personal experiences/intentions of writing down these records? Do they apply to my life? Are we ignoring oral and cultural traditions that are still alive and well after surviving forced christianization of our home and people, in favor of trying to vaguely emulate something that someone wrote down somewhere?

I think it unfairly tints the modern pagans' perception of daily life and practice as a pagan towards what was written down, while all the other aspects are ignored or forgotten about. I understand that it can be very difficult depending on where you live to experience and discover surviving examples of folk religion and folk magic/traditions/practices, but it seems like many pagans nowadays (especially those converting from Christian beliefs, with the US American flavors of Christianity being especially prone to this, seemingly) feel a strange empty void in their spirituality and can't figure out how to fill it.

Well, I have the very bold theory that focusing even more on deity worship and emulating rituals that someone else came up with won't fill this hole. It's the absence of the religious practices and traditions of the common folk's daily lives that left behind this hole, in my opinion. (There's been people much more eloquent than me with more in-depth knowledge about Christianity explaining this phenomenon, I'll edit in the link to that post here after I found it again. It's a really good read and can be eye-opening for some.) The animism, the crafts, sense of community, and enrichment of our daily lives is falling by the wayside. And it's something people feel but struggle to really comprehend, I think, if they've grown up in a very rigidly orthodox system. It's easy to say that you see the pagan world as something whole, and the pagan practice as something that is involved in every aspect of your life by default, but it's another thing to really understand it and actually put the theory into practice.

So basically, there's really no need to go out of one's way to conduct elaborate magic rituals if you're not trying to do something very specific and sophisticated with it. A little casual magic can be involved in everything you do. But then again I don't consider myself asatru or any of the nordic pagan groups really, since as my blog's url already suggests I'm trying to carve out some distinction and niche for the unfortunately very universally ignored (but admittedly elusive) alpine paganism. That's where I find it difficult to have a proper unbiased discussion with nordic pagans about this topic, since I'm not able to tell with confidence whether this is just how nordic pagans Are and comparing it to alpine paganism is pointless in these major aspects especially...or if this is something that does actually exist as different schools of thought (so to speak) in nordic pagan circles as well. These two are not completely different types of spirituality, at least that's the impression I was getting from my first interactions here, but I also don't have enough alpine pagans (or people from similar groups in the geographical middle Europe) that I can ask for their opinions and discuss this with.

It's overall a weird situation to be in, and feels like a rather fine line to walk without either generalizing too much or getting too granular.

I really don't know if I'm even talking about the same thing as other people here on tumblr when I talk about magic, cause when I think of it, I think mostly of "folk magic". The magic of everyday cultural traditions, the stuff that is often branded "superstition".

I don't know what makes people think that you need any special preparation or education or training in order to do all this stuff. There's nothing secret about it, and nothing complicated. And unless you engage in behaviors that physically/mentally harm you, I don't see what dangers could possibly be involved.

But also I think people overcomplicate the whole thing. You don't need any sort of special tools. You don't need to spend money on any of this. Literally all you need is the knowledge of what you're trying to achieve and a clear idea of what you are trying to practice. And please, let's stop acting like "trivial" activities are excluded from this. The same goes for what you desire to achieve with these activities. Nothing is too trivial of a need/desire. You are hoping for the bus to arrive on time tomorrow? That's a perfectly fine thing to want out of whatever you're about to practice!

I think as a whole, the pagan community needs to get their heads out of the clouds a bit and ground themselves and their practices. As cliche as it sounds, y'all need to touch more grass again. It's a hands-on spirituality, after all.

And genuinely, the gatekeeping and mystification of it all has to stop. There's no secrets, no exclusivity, no sacrilege, no entry barriers in paganism, no scholars, and no knowledge is off-limits.

It's the religion of the common folk. You do not need to read any books about it, you don't need anyone to interpret for you, or follow anyone's directions on how to practice this or that. And if you feel like there's nothing tangible about your paganism, if you find yourself having to believe in things rather than simply experiencing them.... it's time to ask yourself who indoctrinated you with such ideas.