#I'm not going to waste the mental energy anymore

[violetlunette]

If anon had to name just one single concept that's damaged fandom culture more than any other, just one single concept that has caused so many of today's entitled fandoms like the Dabi fans, Toga fans, etc., it's "relatability". Most of us judge people based on their actions, but fandoms judge morality by Which Characters We Personally Relate To. Dabi fans relate to child abuse, so "only Dabi's pain counts". Toga fans relate to mental trauma, so "only Toga's pain counts". And so on and so forth.

I understand that it’s easier to sympathize with characters when you understand their pain and why they do the things they do, and why that understanding makes it easier to forgive. However, for me there are some things that I can’t--and won’t—forgive. I sympathize with these two and feel bad for their pain, but that doesn’t mean their crimes were okay or should be overlooked.

[onlyjaeyun]

𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐂𝐓𝐋𝐘 𝐁𝐔𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒 – 𝟓𝟏

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐈𝐅𝐓𝐘𝐎𝐍𝐄: 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞

↬ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐤 𝐉𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐱 𝐅𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐞 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

↬ 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬!𝐀𝐔, 𝐂𝐄𝐎!𝐉𝐚𝐲, 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐲!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

↬ 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 𝟒.𝟕𝐤

↬ 𝐜𝐰: 𝐃𝐃/𝐋𝐆 (𝐝𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐲 𝐝𝟎𝐦/𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥) 𝐝𝐲𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐜𝐬, 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐩𝐢𝐞, 𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐥 (𝐟.𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠), 𝐩𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐩𝐮𝐬𝐬𝐲 𝐬𝐩𝐚𝐧𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠

The buzzing of your phone on the nightstand wakes you up from your dreamless sleep and just as you're about to move around to turn your alarm off, you're reminded of the strong arm around your waist as it pulls you further into the warm chest pressed into your back.

It's only then that you remember how and who you fell asleep next to, a cheeky smile creeping up on your face as soon as the realisation hits you.

Jongseong is still in bed with you. On a weekday.

To your surprise, he's not only still in bed with you but seems to be peacefully asleep, something you're not quite used to when it comes to your hardworking boyfriend.

In the back of your mind you had hoped that he'd stay, especially after a night like yesterday's, yet for some reason you didn't allow yourself to indulge in those hopes, as you were too scared of them being empty yet again.

It doesn't take much longer for more images of the previoos nught to sneak into your head, but for the first time in your life you know you won't let them win no matter what.

You haven't fell asleep and woken up next to your boyfriend in weeks, there's no way you're going to let your anxiety and destructive brain take this away from you again.

There's so much to unpack about the whole situation about your brothers and the bodyguards, you know Jongseong will want to talk about, but you simply don't have the mental energy to waste on those men anymore. You've been fightem then alongside your mental demons for the past two decades and dor the first time in your life you just want to live a single day without thinking about them for once.

Of course this won't make them any less dangerous or threatening, but it will give you the temporary inner peace you need and mostly deserve.

So, determined to not waste any more of your energy on those stupid bastards, you let out a soft sigh and turn around in Jongseong's arms to bury your face in the crook of his warm neck, inhaling his sweet scent the way you did to fall asleep and enjoying every single second of this rare occasion.

Unfortunately you're very much aware of the fact that your second alarm is going to go off any second now as the both of you have to get ready for work.

"Jongie", you whisper against his soft skin and pull your head back to have a good look ag him, hating yourself and the universe for having to wake him up.

He hasn't slept longer than four hours ever since your trip to Jeju and you can't wait to basically kidnap him to a different city and just make sure that man finally gets the sleep him and his body need.

"Wake up, my love", you sigh and place a soft kiss on his chin, "we have to get ready for work."

The sweet sound of your voice gently pulls him into consciousness, something he has yet to get used to, especially after unintentionally depriving himself of it for so long. As your words slowly push their way through the sleepy fog in his head, Jongseong suddenly deicdes to adapt to a completely new routine just to wake up like this until his last day on this earth.

"We're both calling in sick", he suddenly grunts, his voixe deeper and raspier than usual, the sound so unfamiliar, it leaves you lightheaded and shoots a jolt of hot arousal right in between your legs.

"We can't just do that, pretty face", you say with a soft chuckle, hoping for the aching in your lower body to just disappear if you try to overplay it hard enough, "we have meetings and appointments with important clients today."

"Why not? I'm the CEO and owner of the company, they should be grateful I even considered giving them some of my precious time. They can wait a day or two."

Jay's words surprise you as much as they turn you on and you hate your body for betraying you like this. Today is probably just an exception yet you can't help but feel your hopes rising all the way to the sky.

You try to think of something to respond, but you're too mesmerized by the sight of a sleepy Park Jongseong. The way his hair is messily falling into his slightly flushed face, eyes hooded as they're getting used to the sunlight exposure, his pretty lips pushed into a cute little pout and his big hand gently caressing your back.

The longer you look at him, the more you fall in love with him and for a moment you forget whag the two of you were even talking about.

"Don't look at me like that, Baby or I'll make them wait a week or two", Jay teases softly, his hand now moving to your thigh as the other one remains underneath your waist, busy drawing random circles into your skin through the thin fabric of your camisole.

"Oh", you blurt when you realise how obviously you've been staring at him as embarrassment quickly takes over your body, "I'm sorry, Jongie, I didn't mean to. You just look really pretty when you wake up."

"My sweet little angel baby", Jay begins and pushes the bem of your camisole all the way up to your hips, exposing your bare thigh to his greedy touch so easily, "don't ever be sorry for eyefucking me with those pretty eyes. I fucking love seeing you so needy for me."

You're visible surprised at his response, forgetting that your boyfriend has always read your facial expressions as well as your bidy language quite easily and for some reason you can't help but feel even more embarrassed.

"What's going through that sweet head of yours, Baby? Why are you so hesitant?"

You nervously pull your bottom lip in between your teeth as a wave of shame overwhelms you, yet you can't really put a name on the reason behind it.

The past few weeks you've always been the one to initiate intimacy and after losing yourself in quite a few anxious thoughts the previous night, you can't help but let them win yet again.

You know Jongseong's been quite busy, nobody knows it as good as you do. However him not initiating anything these past few weeks has definitely made you feel anlot more insecure than you would like to admit, simply because it feels like he only does it for you and not because he actually wants it.

"I'm sorry for always being so needy", you whisper and bury your face in his neck, "I don't mean to push you so much."

Jongseong is flabbergasted, to say the least.

He's never expected this to be the reason for your change in demeaner and as the realisation hits him, he can't help but let okt a lighthearted chuckle.

"Oh, Baby", he sighs and reaches for your cheek to pull your face away from his neck and meet your glossy gaze, "do you really feel guilty for wanting me so often?"

"Yes", you don't hesitate with your response, too lost in the way he's looking at you with such sweetness and adoration, "you usually don't iniate intimacy and it made me realise that maybe you don't actually want me as often as I want you."

Yet again, Jongseong feels overwhelmed by your statement. Never in a million years could he have expected your thoughts to be as mean as this and as his eyes roam your soft face, his heart aches in his chest.

"And that's okay. I know I can be insatiable sometimes. I hope you know that doesn't mean I only want you for your body. You're so much more to me than sex, I just have a very high libido." Your voice is small and uncertain, filled with insecurity and self doubt, a sound so heartbreaking, Jongseong feels his chest tightening in despair.

"Come here, Baby", is the first thing your sleepy boyfriend replies before he pushes the blanket away from your bodies and guides you to straddle his lap.

You physically can't stop a tiny little gasp to leave your lips as you come in sudden contact with the hard bunge in Jong's boxer briefs, something you haven't felt this way in a lot longer than you thought.

It's not like the two of you hadn't fucked each other in the past few weeks, unfortunately there was never much time for any foreplay and it usually ended in a quickie which stilled your hunger for a few hours. Most of the time Jongseong made sure to have you fall apart on his fingers first followed by him doing just the right things with his cock to drive you into insanity. He also tried his best to give you just enough aftercare to help you regain your composure but you couldn't help but crave more. The lack of actual sensitivity in those moments was probably what resulted in your insatiable hunger for him and his touch.

Without missing a beat, you press your hands flat against his inked chest, caressing the soft skin and circling your hips without even realising it.

"My soft little angel girl", Jongseong sighs and starts kneading the soft flesh of your thighs in his hands, "I'm sorry for not talking to you about this more. Your silly little brain probably gave you such a hard time about this, didn't it?"

"Yes, Jongie", you sigh and look at him with needy, glossy eyes, a sight so pure, so beautiful, the young man has yet to get used to it's effects on his body.

"And is that the reason why you've been more hesitant about indulging in the whole Daddy thing lately, Baby?", he calmly responds as his eyes never once shift away from your face and where you feel like a kid being caught doing something they're not supposed to do, your boyfriend seems more than just amused by your responsive body language.

"I guess it is. But I promise I didn't do it intentionally."

"You're so fucking cute", is his instinctive response to your answer and with a soft sigh, you push your lips into a pout and let your hands find his on your thighs, absentmindedly playing with his pretty fingers to distract yourself from the feeling of embarrassment filling your veins.

"My Baby", Jay then begins, his voice slightly deeper as he notices the feeling of your wetness making its way through the thin fabric of your panties, "I know I haven't been the best boyfriend lately and I promise you to make up for every sinfle doubt and bad thought I've caused you."

You're about to interrupt his little apology and reassure him, but Jongseong doesn't let you. He's determined to say what he's been dying to for the past fourtyeight hours and no matter how badly you want him to believe that his behavior is somehow justified and okay, he knows it's not and that's why he won't allow you to intervene. Not this time.

Before your brain can even process it, you find yourself on your back, your boyfriend casually moving to lay in between your legs. Jay's face is as close to yours as physically possible and his nose gently nudges yours before he places the most delicate kiss on your parted lips.

"I haven't paid much attention to you and didn't make any efforts to actively include you into my daily routine outside of work and that wasn't okay. Yet, I hope you know that from now on that's going to change", with every single one of his words, Jay pushes you deeper into the mattress until you can practically feel his heart beating against your chest.

"No more early mornings to work out and as little long days as possible. It took me a bit but I finally realised that I am the boss and I do have the privilege to cancel and postpone appointments to make time for my girl. It won't always be like that and at times I'll be at work more than I'd like to be but at the end of the day I'm always going to try my best to come home to fall asleep with you. Not after you."

Jongseong doesn't give you enough time to actually process his sweet words as he pulls you into a hungry kiss and allows you to lose youdself in the sweet feeling of comfort and warmth it comes with.

Just as usual, Jay's kisses are slow and sensual. At first. But the harder he starts grinding his hard cock against your clothed cunt, the sloppier and needier they become. It doesn't take much time for your usually so composed boyfriend to grunt and moan into your mouth, loving the way you swallow every single one of his noises.

"And please don't ever be sorry for wanting me so often. Touching you, being intimate with you, being the one to pleasure you – and everything it comes with, is a privilege to me. Knowing you want me so much is what keeps me sane, Baby", Jay looks at you with soft eyes and just as usual, the expression in his gaze matches his words perfectly. It's like he makes sure you can physically see how honest he's being with you.

"I need it, angel girl", he suddenly grunts and buries his face in your neck, "Daddy needs you to need him, Baby. It's everything I've been daydreaming about for all my life. To be needed, wanted and loved by my person. By you. Please, don't take this away from me."

You're hearing his little pleas and his sweet, needy request, yet you're brain is already too fogged up by all the arousal rushing through your body as the tip of his clothed cock hits your sensitive clit with every single one of his precise thrusts.

"Louder, Baby", Jay suddenly commands, the urge to hear your moans and whimpers overwhelming him after the both of you had to keep quiet the last few times you've gotten intimate.

"Please, Daddy", your response comes quicker and more desperate than you expected it to, but you're simply too far gone already to care.

"What do you want, angel girl? Use those big girl words for Daddy, I know you can do it."

You start nodding like your life depends on it, your hands find home in his thick hair as Jongseong slowly kisses his way down your neck and to your cleavage, sucking the skin into his mouth every now and then right before his hands grab the hem of your camisole and pull it over your head in one swift motion.

"There she is, my perfect little angel", Jongseong sighs and comes to sit up on his knees right between your legs.

"Please, Daddy", you whimper yet again, reaching for his hands to get him to just somehow touch your needy cunt again.

You subconsciously wait dor him to scold you for not doing as you're told, however you definitely don't expect him to land a harsh spank on your clothed cunt. The stinging pain sends you into the sweetest haze of pleasure and with your head thrown back into the pillow, you struggle to build a single rational thought.

"Good girls use their words when they want something", Jay says sternly, his eyes hooded yet filled with such intense hunger, you feel your juices drip out of your clenching hole the longer you look at him.

"I need you to", you're still hesitant but quickly realise that there's no way Jong's going to give into your little insecurities now, so without wasting any more time, you blurt out the rest of your request.

"Eat my pussy", you dig your nails into his wrist as the pain of his tight grip on your inner thigh has your head spinning like crazy, "please, Daddy. I need you to eat my pussy, wanna cum all over your face."

"There you go, that's my good girl. Was that so hard, Baby?"

Jay can't help but feel amused by the sweet look of embarasin your eyes as you look at him, lips parted, hair messy, legs spread wide enough to put your drenched panties on full display for his hungry gaze.

"Don't tease me", you spit and roll your eyes in faux annoyance, followed by desperately trying to hide just how flustered you are because of the breathtakingly beautiful smirk grazing his plumps lips.

"Now, that was a mistake, pretty girl", Jay chuckles and lets his fingers graze your inner thigh right before he lands another hard spank on your sensitive pussy.

"You know I'll just tease you even more if you tell me not to."

"Daddy, please touch me. No more spanks. Need you to touch me."

For a moment you're genuinely surprised by your lack of hesitance but then again it makes sense as all your senses are captivated by Park Jongseong's sweet scent, his touche and his taste lingering on your tongue like a drug.

Jongseong doesn't say a single word until bends down to push his cheek against your inner thigh, dangerously glose to where you need him the most.

The fact you're still very much wearing your now ruined panties is definitely not helping with your impatience.

"Beg a little more, pretty girl", Jay teases and pulls the soaked fabric to the side only to blow cold air against your sensitive flesh.

"F-Fuck", you're quick to arch your back in hopes of getting him to finally do what you've asked for multiple times by now, only for Jay to pull away with another row of soft chuckles.

"Aww, look at my Baby. You're so needy, angel girl. Apparently too needy to use your manners for Daddy, hm?"

"Please", you beg softly, tears of frustration pricking at the corners of your eyes and you tighten your grip on his thick hair, "please, Daddy. I've been waiting so long for this. Don't I deserve this?"

And that little rhetorical question is what has Jongseong halt his movements like he's jusg seen a ghost.

"Of course, princess", your boyfriend whispers with tiny bits of guilt gleaming in his sweet eyes, "of course you deserve this."

If your brain wasn't as clouded by the arousal, you would have had enough time to feel bad about using such strategies to get what you want but after barely remembering what his mouth feels like on you, you can't help but feel grateful it worked. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Before either one of you can get out another word, Jongseong finally licks a long strip over the length of your soaked cunt followed by shameleslly sucking your sensitive kiss into his mouth and teasing it with the tip of his tongue.

The suddenness of his actions knock every last breath out of your lungs and with a loud gasp you push your hips further into his face, back arched and head thrown back with the loudest moan of his name.

It doesn't take much for Jongseong to completely lose himself in the sweet taste of your juices as he laps up every single drop, filling the room with loud sucking and slurping noises as well as his muffled moans the second he pushes his tongue into your tight hole.

You can tell how hard he's trying to maintain his composure but every time your gaze meets his, you realisd how far gone he already is. Eyes hooded, cheeks flushed, half of his face coated in your wetness as he digs his bails knto your soft thighs to keep your legs firmly spread for his hungry mouthy.

With every skill flick of his tongue against your hardened clit, you feel yourself inching closer and closer to the edge, the taste of your sweet relief coating the entirety of your mouth and consuming your senses in the best way possible.

Not a single coherent sentence falls past your lips as the tension in your lower stomach increases and you feel yourself getting closer and closer.

"Do it, princess", Jay suddenly grunts and lifts his hand up to land a row of hard slaps against your overly sensitive pussy, the stinging pain sending your brain into overdrive and your eyes into the back of your head.

"I can feel it, you're so close. Come on, cum for Daddy, Baby. Make me proud. Claim me as yours. Cum all over my fucking face like rhe perfect princess you are."

And maybe it's the way his deep voice so close to your cunt sends vibration through your body or maybe it's the way his thumb has made it its mission to rub firm circles into your sensitive clit or maybe, just maybe it's the way he's tamking to you, but regardless of the reason, the coil kn your lower stomach still snaps as soon as your brain has processed his words.

Your high washes over you in several waves, pussy clenching down around nothing as Jay has long taken his fingers out of your tight hold to watch your juices drip out of you as you cum for him. It takes you a moment to realise that your sight has blurred and you feel your ears ringing from the intensity of your orgasm, something you've only ever experienced with Park Jongseong before and have yet to get used to.

You have absolutely no idea how much time goes by until your breathing finally goes back to normal and when your eyes meet the sighg of your boyfriend's habdsome face still firmly buried in your pussy, you nnow exactly why it took you as long as it did.

"Up here, Daddy", you pout and push your hand into his hair to grab a fistful of the thick strands and make him look at you, "can you fuck me now, please? I need to feel you fill me up with your cum so bad."

Jay smiles lazily, still quite drunk on the taste of your cum on his tongue as he's missed it a lot more than he expected. He hasn't had time to eat you out for who knows how long and it's when you look at him with big eyes and parted lips thag he decides to make it part of his new daily routine.

Not a day shall pass by where he doesn't eat rhe sweetest pussy he's ever had or he'll be dammed.

"Sorry, Baby", he sighs and absentmindedly pulls his boxer briefs down his thick thighs, revealing his painfully hard cock to your hungry eyes, "missed eating that pussy to much so i got a little dizzy. Don't think I'll last as long as usual so I might need some help."

You nervously start nibbling on your bottom lip as you wait for him to continue, the excitement bubbling and boiling in your loser tummy as your cunt clenches in response to the throbbing of his cock in his hand.

"Be a good girl for Daddy and rub that pretty clit for me, hm? Wanna cum with you this time but I'm so sensitive already. It's been so long since I've had you like this, Baby."

"Yes, Daddy, anything for you."

Your sweet words of affirmation elicit the sweetest moan from your boyfriend's throat and you attentively watch the way his hips halt their movements for a moment in response to you.

To your luck, Jay seems a lot more impatient than he claimed as he's quick to rub the tip of his sensitive cock against the wet flesh of your cunt, coating his whole length in your juices right before he lines himself up with your entrance.

"Look at Daddy, pretty girl", Jong grunts and pushes his tip inside of your tight hole just enough to reach for your free hand and intertwine your fingers with his, while his other one finds his way around your delicate throat.

"I love you", are the first tjing to leave his plump lips the second he pushes ghe first two inches of his thick cock into the tightness of your pussy, his eyes rolling into the back of his head as soon as you start clenching around him.

"Relax, angel girl. We still have a few more inches to. Daddy needs you to relax so it doesn't hurt, yeah? Be good for me, Baby."

You start nodding impatiently, almost instinctively rubbing firm circlers into your sensitive bundle of nerves the way your biyfriend did it just a few minutes ago, knowing exactly how you like it and how to get yourself to the edge as fast as possible again.

Your body slowly gets rid of the last bit of tension when Jongseong bends down to press his lips against your, not caring about how soft or sweet the kiss is, but rather focusing on the taste of your spit coating the muscle of his tongue.

By the time he finally bottoms out, you can feel your breath hitching in your throat, the feeling of being filled to the absolute brim overwhelming you just as usual.

"So fucking tight", Jay whimpers into your ear, not awake or sober enough to care about the way he sounds, "you're going to make me cum so hard, Baby. Fuck, I won't last l-long, I'm sorry."

"No, Daddy, don't be", you're quick to reassure your boyfriend, pulling on his hair and öoving your hips to meet his little thrusts, appreciative of the way he's still giving you time to adjust to his impressive size, "am close already, too. Wanna cum with you, please."

"Yeah, Baby? Gonna make a mess of Daddy's cock and cum all over me like the good girl you are, right? Go ahead then, angel girl", Jongseong's voice grows raspier, deeper and more hoarse as the pleasure and meed for relief overwhelms his whole body in the best way possible, "cum for me. Claim your man. Show me what only you get to do with my cock."

It's those exact words which push you over the edge headfirst the second time wighin just a few minutes. Jay always knows exactly what to say, he knows how possessive you are and how much yoj love claiming him. Hearing him confirm your thoughts and wants so casually never fails to leave yoj completely breathless.

And as your tight cunt starts spasmkng around his iverly sensitive cock, Jongseong quickly buries his face in your negk with a loud moan of your name right as he cums in three thick spurts and coats the soft walls of your cunt in several shades of white.

Nothing but your joined heavy breathing and the thrumming of your heartbeat in your throat fills your ears for a good five minutes, Jong's cock occasionally twitching inside of you before the sensitivity becomes too much for the both of you and he decides to pull out with a soft pout on his plump lips.

You allow yourself to devour the sight of his flushed skin, from his cheeks all the way down to his lean chest covered in the prettiest shade of pink, his messy hair falling into his face and reminding you both of his need of a haircut.

"Shower or some more sleep?" Jay mumbles softly againsg dour lips and pushes the few strands of hair away from your pretty face to get a better look at you.

"We have to go to work, Daddy", you reply instead and earn youeself another roll of his eyes.

"Your boss doesn't feel very well so he wants you to cancel all of his appointments for today. He said he needs to have some one on one time with his beautiful girlfriend or he'll actually die in agonising pain."

His exaggeration has you both burst into a fit of laughter and without even thinking of protesting any further, you just pull him into your chest and enjoy the feeling of his breathing against your neck as you both allow yourself to take a whole day off of your regular routine.

Being girlfriend and boyfriend for a whole day and nothing but that.

Just this once.

← 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 — 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 — 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭 →

(A/N: and here we are 🤪 i know you guys probably expected smth else after the prev chap was sp emptional but i missed writing smut for them so ive been thinking about it all day and wanted to give this to you guys as 1) a little thank you for all the love ln strictly business and 2) as a was to apologize for all the heart reak in future chapters!🤕 thank you so much for everything babies, i love you so much. feedback and reblogs are always appreciated!!!!💞🧸)

TAGLIST CLOSED: @soonigiri @xrr-s4sha @kwiwin @heelcvr @deobitifull @kpoprhia @doodlelibrary @abrazosolorcereza @certifiedmoa @sleeping-demons @heerinnie @ohmy-moonlightx @heeswif3y @hoonieluv @fakeuwus @jjaeyuns @cheybabey @ineedsomezzz @super-amberlynn @kshoshi @tinie03 @jseongies @mimikittysblog @primroselover @heebrry @jebetwo @donghyckl @07myonlylove @enhamysunshines @quemirasboboandapaya @lostwonderwall @seuomo @enhaz1 @teawithbucky @beomgyusonlywife @dammit-jjk @lhsvibez @azurez @boutyouwonu @finchyyy @ocyeanicc @jaylaxies @in-somnias-world @zerasari @spookyauthorspopmusictrash @capri-cuntz @fluerz @3amstarlight

[justnatoka]

Letting go

Poly! Lost Boys x GN! Reader

A/n: I'll be honest. With angst, I'm always afraid that it somehow turns out more melodramatic than serious. So writing this was a bit of a rollercoaster. It has been sitting in my drafts for a while, and every time I came back to it, I was feeling different about it. At first I liked it, then not so much, then even less, at some point having no idea if it will even turn into something that makes sense. In the end, somehow it still turned into a fic I actually like. That's just what the writing process is all about I guess.

Word count: 3k

Warning: angst, bittersweet (hopeful?) ending

Prompt: “I’ll survive. Somehow I always do.”

The sudden appearance of a threat from your past forces you to make a hard decision.

It was by pure chance that you caught his scent. He probably thought that the crowds and myriad smells of the boardwalk – the buttery aroma of popcorn, the sweetness of cotton candy, the salty ocean air and the sourness of human sweat – would mask his natural odor. And with good reason. It was the slightest change in wind direction that alerted you to his presence, a lucky coincidence that he couldn’t have anticipated. Had it not been for that, you probably wouldn’t have noticed him at all, not before it was too late. And there were too many instances of it almost being too late. He was a pro after all, he had surprised you before, and each time someone else paid the price. You wouldn’t let that happen this time.

“We need to leave.”

The casual chatter immediately died down around you, four pairs of eyes searching your face curiously. All they could find was grave seriousness with a hint of panic as you anxiously searched the crowd, looking for even just a glimpse of that familiar and dreaded figure.

“What’s the matter, sweetheart? Are you alright?” Dwayne’s gentle voice brought your attention back to them, their faces full of concern now as they noticed your quick and shallow breathing and shaking hands.

“No, I’m not. We need to go back to the cave. Right now.” Punctuating the last two words, you wasted no time, and headed for the bikes, quickly hopping onto David’s. Your urgent tone did the job as the boys followed close behind. David got on in front of you, your arms quickly wrapping themselves around him, seeking comfort and stability. But you knew you were rapidly losing both.

“We’ll talk about this when we get back.” His tone equaled yours in seriousness, and you felt your skin crawl with the uncomfortable anticipation of what was to come. But that was a matter for later, right now you just wanted to get as far away from here as possible. You couldn’t leave the boardwalk fast enough.

The ride back was tense. No cheers, no laughter this time, no enjoying the speed. They knew something was very wrong, your fear making them unnerved as well. You were stiff as a board behind David, always anticipating something to happen, your head whipping around in a blind search for some unseen danger. On one hand, you couldn’t wait to reach the safety of the cave, your home that you shared with your lovers for almost a decade. It has been so long. You genuinely thought you were finally safe, that you didn’t have to run anymore. And even though you wanted to get back as quickly as you could, the ride home also couldn’t be long enough. Because you knew what you had to do when you arrived. You tried to get yourself ready mentally, but felt like your world was falling apart around you too quickly. Before you knew it, you were slowing down.

After parking the bikes, you made your way down to the cave. Going at the front, you could feel their eyes on your back, you could feel the tension radiating off of David, the anxious energy coming from Paul.

As soon as your feet hit the cave floor, you headed for your nest, the place you shared with your boys. You tried not to think too much about how you have to rip yourself out of that intimate little safe haven as you started packing your stuff together.

“Whoa, whoa, slow down, sugar!” Marko’s sound of alarm alerted the others, and the next second a hand grabbed your arm, stopping your movements.

“What do you think you’re doing?” David’s eyes were swimming in emotions as you turned to look into them, confusion chased by a protective urge to eliminate the threat that had you so freaked out. And behind it all, even though he tried to hide it, you could see fear. He was scared that whatever was happening, it would change everything.

“Please let me go.” Your voice shook as you struggled to keep your composure. You didn’t want to break down, not if you really planned to go through with this.

“…are you leaving us? You’re not, right? Right?” There was hesitation in Paul’s voice and silent hoping on his face as he tried to cling to the smallest of chances that they were interpreting the situation wrong. But the moment you met his eyes, he saw the answer in them clear as day, and his expression crumbled, beautiful blue eyes already filling with tears as reality started to register to him. You knew then that your composure was out the window. Your lower lip began to tremble and you averted your gaze, not being able to look at him anymore.

“Why?” Marko’s fists were shaking as he spoke, not knowing what to do with the anger that was slowly boiling up inside him. He was angry at you, but more so at the nameless, faceless entity that caused your distress, forcing your hand to make this decision in the first place. In the back of his mind however, a small and ugly voice reared its head. His voice was a low rumble, thick with emotion as he asked, “Why are you doing this? You don’t love us anymore?”

You couldn’t hold yourself back. You dropped your bag on the floor and rushed over to him, enveloping him in a hug and cradling his head, burying your face in his neck as he desperately clung to you.

“Of course I still love you. I love all of you so much. Don’t you ever doubt that. That’s why I don’t have a choice.” Tears were stinging your eyes, but your voice was strong as you tried to reassure him with all your power, even though you knew you were breaking his heart. Even if it was the last thing you did for them, you had to make sure he understood how much they meant to you.

A hand landed on your shoulder, Dwayne’s voice resonating in your ear. “Please, talk to us. What’s wrong?”

You entangled yourself from Marko, but he was gripping your hand tightly as you turned around, fearing that you would disappear if he let go. You looked up at Dwayne, his eyes pleading with you to explain. He wanted to know the problem, so he can help you solve it, like he always did. Your gaze found Paul, then David, all of them waiting for an explanation. You knew you owed them that much.

Letting out a shaky breath, you began to talk. “There’s a hunter after me.” The declaration made all of them tense up. “He’s been following me for decades, chasing me all across the country. After coming to Santa Carla, I’ve been on edge for months, waiting for him to show up, but he never did.” You breathed out a pathetic little laugh. ”Then I met you guys, and I finally let myself feel at ease. I really thought I managed to lose him this time. That’s why I freaked out when I caught his scent at the boardwalk earlier.” Your voice strengthened with newfound resolve, steeling yourself for what you have to do. ”I can’t stay here anymore. I can’t let you all get caught up in this mess.”

David was listening to you in silence, his face growing more serious with each word. You could feel him slowly closing in on himself.

“But we could help you. There’s five of us and just one of him. With all of us together we can kill the bastard,” Marko argued, ready to go and jump into battle at you’re slightest sign of approval. Paul was nodding vehemently in agreement.

“I’ve heard that before and it never ended well.”

“You don’t even want to try? Are you willing to just throw this away so easily?” Marko was getting agitated, basically yelling at this point.

“Don’t you understand? I can’t afford to try! You don’t think I had tried to fight before? Of course I did!” Your voice was also rising in volume, desperation filling your lungs. “I fought so hard, tried to save every other vampire who gave me shelter before. The only reason they got exposed was because I was there. If I wasn’t, they wouldn’t have gotten caught up in this, and then maybe they wouldn’t have-“

A sob escaped your throat, unable to finish the sentence. You felt two strong arms wrap themselves around you as you started to shake, guiding you to the couch before all strength left your legs. You curled in on yourself as you cried against Dwayne’s chest. Gentle hands were rubbing your shoulders, wiping the tears from your face, running through your hair in soothing caresses, and through the haze of your grief and overwhelming guilt you faintly registered Paul and Marko’ presence next to you.

“I can’t lose you too, I couldn’t live with myself,” you cried in their embrace, their tender attention only making the ache in your chest ten times worse. They were so good to you, even though you were causing them so much pain.

They sat with you, whispering words of reassurance, all the while battling with their own thoughts. They didn’t want to accept this outcome where you had to leave them, even if you did it to protect them. Your presence took up too much of their lives and their hearts to just let this go.

After your sobs quietened to sniffles and shaky breaths, David finally spoke up.

“We can’t change your mind, can we?” He sounded resigned. He already knew there was no turning back to the way things were, even if the others still tried to fight it.

“You can’t be serious!” Marko turned to him vehemently.

“Marko, stand down,” David barked, the frustration evident in his voice. “Our love has clearly made a decision. We can’t force them to stay if they want to leave so bad.”

Even though this was exactly what you wanted, you couldn’t help but flinch a bit at the edge in his voice. So this was it, you thought, he was shutting you out, closing his walls around himself. You tried to ignore the little sting you felt somewhere deep inside you when he didn’t even look at you as he said it.

Marko looked lost as he turned from David to Dwayne to you, searching for any small reason he can still cling to, but found none. And he finally deflated when Dwayne added, “It’s what’s best for them.”

The silence that followed felt heavy with grief and heartbreak, and although you knew it was the best thing you could do, you couldn’t stop the constant fall of tears silently rolling down your cheeks. You heard Paul sniffle behind you where he was resting his forehead against your shoulder, breathing in your scent for as long as he could. Marko was holding onto your hand again, his thumb rubbing your knuckles in a soothing motion. You weren’t sure if it was meant for you or for himself. Dwayne pressed a kiss against the crown of your head where it was still buried in his chest. You all needed a few moments to take in each other’s presence and just exist, allowing yourselves a fleeting semblance of peace before it all fell apart.

“However.” Your gaze wandered back to David, and the look in his eyes struck something deep within you. “We let you go on one condition,” he held up a finger, and you stiffened, sitting up straighter. “You have to promise to come back.”

There was no hesitation in his voice as he said it, his gaze holding onto yours the whole time. You felt the need to blink a few times.

“I can’t promise that,” you looked at him confused. “As long as he lives I can’t come back here. I can’t risk that.”

“Promise that you will come back,” he continued, unwavering. “Do what you have to do, find a way to kill him, then come back to us.”

The way his eyes softened at that last part made your stomach flip. At the small tug on your finger you turned to Marko, his gaze full of emotion.

“Promise?”

“I can’t,” you answered, your voice nothing more than a hoarse whisper. “There’s no guarantee I would even come back. I can’t make you wait for me for eternity in the hopes that nothing bad happened to me.”

“You won’t make us do anything,” Dwayne took over, brushing a strand of hair from your face. “You made a choice to leave, so we made a choice to wait for your return.”

You were stunned. You tried to argue with him, but in the end you just closed your mouth. They were ready to let you go, even though you might never come back, even though it was breaking their own hearts. They loved you with all they had and were still willing to let you go so you could protect them. Not just that, they were willing to wait for you.

At that moment you realized you couldn’t run anymore. You can’t just leave, find a new place for a few years to hide then go on when he inevitably showed up again. You couldn’t let this go, couldn’t let them go. You had to fight him. You had to fight him and you had to kill him. It was the only way to come back to your boys, to live in peace without fear. Because even though the souls of the dead had been eating you from guilt, these boys were still alive. And as long as they are, they will be ready to welcome you back with open arms.

You pulled together the crumbs of your hope and determination, and decided to try once again, just one last time. You nodded slowly, the whispered “I promise” hung heavy in the silence of the cave.

It didn’t take long to pack your belongings. You didn’t have much, and what you did have was mostly stuff they gifted to you: a stuffed bear Dwayne won you at a game stall on the boardwalk, a bracelet Marko stole for you off of a tourist’s wrist after you commented on how much you liked it, a mixtape made by Paul of both of your favourite artists, a necklace David gave you when you joined the pack. Your bag was filled with trinkets and memories of your shared life. It gave you something to cling onto even though the future was full of uncertainty.

You desperately wanted more time, just one more day to spend with them, but you knew you needed to move fast. The hunter was already in Santa Carla, he probably already knew you were here. You didn’t dare risk him finding out about the boys too.

They accompanied you to the mouth of the cave. Looking out over the ocean, you took a big gulp of the fresh air and let it out in a shaky breath. You didn’t dare think about how you will accomplish what you had to do, the reality of that weighing heavy in the back of your mind.

Turning around, you let your eyes wander over you lovers once more, knowing that it might be the last time you ever see them. David looked back at you with a serious, determined expression, and you decided to ignore how the shadows seemed deeper on his face than you’ve ever seen before. He knew he had to be strong right now for all of you, and you were forever grateful for it. If he had shown even an ounce of doubt, you were sure you would have crumbled, giving access to the fear gnawing at your mind.

You stepped up to him first to say goodbye. His gloved hand came to rest against your cheek, and you leaned into his touch.

“When you’re done-“

“If.”

“When you’re done,” David continued undeterred, “with what you have to do, we’ll be right here, waiting for your return.”

Tears stung your eyes, but all you felt was overwhelming love for him.

“I will come back,” you whispered against his lips as you leaned in for one last kiss.

Next was Dwayne, eyes full of sorrow. You cradled his face in your hands, pulling him down, so you can press a kiss to the frown between his brows. He let out a deep sigh as you did, and you rested your forehead against his, both of you drinking in each other’s presence before you inevitably had to pull away.

Paul, always smiling, always laughing Paul was quiet. You gently ran your fingers through the messy hair on the side of his head, prompting him to look up at you. The second your eyes met, his lip began to tremble, and you leaned in to pepper soft kisses against it. His hands fisted your jacket as he pulled you closer, his mouth desperate against yours. Your heart broke a little when you pulled back, pressing one last peck on his cheek.

Lastly, you turned to Marko, who was so ready to jump into a fight for you head first, and now looked like he had no idea what to do. Before you could make a move, he threw himself at you, squeezing you against him with all his might. You hugged him back, burying your face into his shoulder, and you felt him do the same, inhaling your scent, committing it to his memory. You ignored the slight shake of his hands when he eventually let you go, instead pressing a gentle kiss against his forehead.

“What are you going to do? All alone against him,” he asked, needing some kind of reassurance that you will be alright.

You looked back at him with sad eyes.

“I’ll survive. Somehow, I always do.” It was all you could answer. But for the first time in a long while, the thought didn’t fill you with dread. Instead, something akin to hope was starting to sprout in the back of your mind. It was still a dainty little thing, but you were determined to let it blossom.

Still, as you stepped out into the night, you felt your heart break a little.

Tags: @stinkydove @pandemoniavenus @000-colby @lunarwhitewolf7 @notalwaysa @binightowl @darlingnikkisixxxx @skrimblo-blumpkgo @swagfancroissantpizza2

Let me know if you want to be added to my taglist!

[libby-for-life]

Can you write a one-shot of Adam sick at the hotel, and I mean REALLY sick but he refuses to let that stop him? He's so used to powering through it all, Sera making him do things despite not feeling the best mentally because that was what he learned to do.

And finally Lucifer has had enough basically forces his ass to bed and takes care of him after he almost passes out.

I like this idea! Onwards! Hope you don't mind if I change a few things in this ask to make it flow better.

Adam felt horrible when he flopped on his bed with a tired sigh. Today's activities at the hotel had drained him for some reason and he was feeling more tired than usual. He didn't even have the energy to change out of his clothes and he fell asleep on top of his bed, shivering in the cold air.

That should have been his first clue that something was wrong. Hell wasn't cold.

The next day he woke up and realized it felt like his head was stuffed with cotton and then sowed back together. Adam just lied there for a second, blinking and shivering before he groaned at sat up. He didn't have time for this. Lucifer had made him agree to not skip any activities no matter what. He's not supposed to be making waves.

He tried to get up, but Adam felt so dizzy that he sat back down, breathing heavily. He had to get up. Now. Sera....Lucifer...

Adam forced himself back up and took a couple of breaths, trying to clear out the black spots dancing in his vision. He was Adam. He's got this. He just wished his body got with the program.

Breakfast was miserable. Charlie had made pancakes and on any normal day, he would have drooled at the sight of them (Adam knew he was lying to himself because he hardly ate anymore). Now they made Adam want to vomit. Both Alastor and Lucifer were watching him like a hawk. Well, more like Alastor was since Lucifer was busy complimenting his daughter's cooking.

"Don't be rude, Adam. Are you really going to waste Mrs. Charlie's hard worked pancakes?" Alastor said, knowing that would get Lucifer's attention. Adam barely recognized what that damn deer was doing, too busy forcing his head up and trying not to gasp for breath.

"You are not gonna waste Charlie's food," Lucifer said with a glare. "Dad, it's okay. He doesn't have to eat it." Charlie said, trying to placate everyone. Adam needed everyone to stop looking at him so, despite his stomach feeling like it was tearing itself apart, he forced a mouthful of the sugary stuff into his mouth and swallowed.

"Thank her."

"Dad."

"Now."

Adam let out a short breath and gave Charlie a short smile that usually got anyone who asked if he was okay up in Heaven off his back. "Thanks." Charlie smiled warmly while Lucifer finally turned away.

The rest of the day was no better. Adam was moving slower than usual and apparently that was making Lucifer think he was being lazy on purpose. Constantly on his back about being faster and stop trying to get out of work. Adam didn't have the energy to argue.

Everything came to a head when they were doing a trust fall. He tried to pay attention to what was going on but it was hard to hear everything through the ringing.

A smack to the back of his head made him swallow and look at Lucifer. "What is with you? I don't care that you're bored. Stop zoning out and go up on the stage already." Was it his turn already? Oh. Adam shuffled up the steps but a gentle hand grabbed his much bigger one.

"Adam? Are you okay? You're looking a little pale." She said and Adam forced another smile. "I'm fine. I am." Charlie didn't look like she believed him but let him go up.

Right, what was he supposed to do again? What kind of trust fall was this? What was he supposed to say? His head was swimming and multiple voices were ringing in his head and—and....oh. He was falling.

"ADAM!"

Blessed peace....

XxX

Lucifer watched Adam climb the stage and just...stand there. Zoning out again. "Adam! Don't just stand there!" Lucifer yelled, hoping that would make him move. Now that he was really looking at him, he looked incredibly pale, and he he was breathing heavily.

"Guess more out of shape than I realized," Vaggie mumbled and Lucifer couldn't help but tilt his head. No. That wasn't it. It...it almost looked like he was going to—

"Adam?" Charlie tried calling for him only for Adam to crumble to the floor in a heap. "ADAM!" Charlie yelled as she climbed the stage. Everyone was at different levels of shock.

"Shit! He's burning up!" Charlie yelled and that made Lucifer act. He jumped onto the stage and winced when he realized just how bad Adam looked. How...how did he not notice this? Pale gray, sweat collecting on his forehead, ragged breathing...he looked sick. Very sick.

No wonder he was slow today, Lucifer thought, and that only made him feel worse because he had been pretty harsh on Adam for being lazy when he was so clearly sick. Why the fuck did he not say anything?! Was he seriously this delusional about masculinity that he kept this a secret for—

"You better not skip any activities, Adam. I won't hesitate to kick you out if you miss one. For any reason."

Ah....maybe that was why. Now he felt immensely guilty. Adam was doing this, hurting himself because Lucifer didn't give him any other option.

"DAD!" Charlie yelled when Adam threw up the pancakes from this morning. Lucifer was quick to pick Adam up as Charlie led him back to his room.

Charlie tried to stay but Lucifer reminded her that he was going to strip him of his clothes and that he thought that Adam wouldn't appreciate anyone looking at him naked like this.

She immediately agreed and left him to Lucifer. He slowly stripped the man and tried not to stare at his body too hard. He...looked skinny. Too skinny. The baggy clothes helped hide it but he looked like he lost a lot of weight and not in a healthy way.

Was...was he starving himself?

"Wow, you certainly know how to put that food away! I'm quite impressed." Alasor's voice said and Lucifer had laughed while Adam gripped his fork tightly.

Lucifer didn't mean for Adam to take it to heart and the Devil felt even worse because he laughed at the jab. Clearly...it affected him.

He dressed Adam in his pajamas and tucked Adam in. He...he needed to make sure Adam stayed in bed. With no other choice, he sat in the chair beside Adam's bed and sighed. Hopefully...the first man didn't freak out too much with him here.

"Hu?" Adam mumbled making Lucifer flinch a bit. His eyes were glassy and the Devil noticed how he panted. "I'm...in bed?" He slurred. "Gotta...get up."

"Adam, please stay." Adam turned to him, his eyes not focusing on really anything. "I...I can't. Gotta get up....he'll be mad at me."

He? Who—oh. Him. Lucifer. He's talking about the Devil being mad.

"Adam...I promise he won't be mad." Adam shook his head. "No...he will. I can't be...cough...I can't be kicked out....I can't be out there...not again..." Lucifer furrowed his eyebrows. He knew Adam had probably had it tough out there, why else would he subject himself to stay with people who hated him, but he didn't think Adam feared it that much...what happened?

"Sh..." Lucifer said, hesitantly putting a clawed hand on his chest and finally pushing him back. "I won't let....I won't let him kick you out." It was clear Adam didn't recognize him.

Adam whimpered. "Really?"

Lucifer nodded. "Yes....so please stay in bed." Adam still looked conflicted and the Devil knew he didn't have him convinced quite yet. "I'll stay with you." He offered.

Adam looked panicked. "No...he'll hurt you...I don't want him to hurt you!"

Lucifer felt his composure crumble. Did Adam think that Lucifer would hurt someone simply because they were friendly with each other? Is...is that how he viewed him?

It's not like you've done anything of late to give him a reason to not believe that.

"Don't worry. I'll be f-fine."

Adam didn't look convinced so Lucifer gently rubbed his forehead. "I promise. Just...stay, please."

Adam finally passed out from exhaustion making Lucifer finally slump in his chair. He....he didn't know what to think.

[lovebvni]

intuitive messages pac !!

THIS IS FROM 2023!! BE FOREWARNED

┈

│ᵒᵖᵉⁿⁱⁿᵍ ᵐᵉˢˢᵃᵍᵉ...

╰─────────────────

[ 🖊 ] created ⋮ 7.31.23

[  ] published ⋮  7.31.23

˚₊·͟͟͟͟͟͟͞͞͞͞͞͞➳❥ ꒰ ⌨ ✰ Arsyn   ⋆  ⁱˢ ᵗʸᵖⁱⁿᵍ··· ꒱ | ೃ࿔₊•

┊       ⋆     welcome to my blog !

┊     °

hello earthlings, its been a while since i've done a pac, mainly because of MANY personal issues - but thats not important. i thought for a while and went back to my old pac's and i found an older one i made and i remembered, my intuition is just as powerful as ever - so why do i need tarot cards now?

today i'm just going to have 10 messages/sentences the universe wants you to hear. they can be specific or general.  remember, take everything can be taken with a grain of salt, and your future can be changed. you are in control.

now please, find your inner peace, connect to your soul.

understand these messages were meant to find you, and see what is left for you.

inhale, exhale, and pick a pile

Pile 1 - Watching

confirmation :

procrastinating, pushing things off, turning the other cheek, tumblr, the colour purple (show or the actual colour), spacing out, spirits, double meaning, two faced, gemini, hidden meanings/words, red eyes (tired, puffy), burnt out, music, 'good night, sleep tight, don't let the demons fight.', the letter s, sharks, 'the grass is greener'.

side note : the month of august (summer in general) be significant for your shifting/spiritual journey.

Your messages

1. Why would you wait when you could just grab at it? It's right there. Don't let it rot.

2. "Hello? Are you there, listening? Listen to me. I'm here to help. I promise." (this could be an inner voice or a spirit guide)

3. Be your own boss. Keep going.

4. Pass on to the next step (Death to life)

5. You know what's there, talk to it. "I wont hurt you."

6. Listen, don't speak.

7. Let it go. Be like Elsa, don't let it bother you anymore.

8. Mind, Body and Soul. You're in harmony. Use it to your advantage.

9. Advise and criticize. And use the same techniques on yourself.

10. Peace and love. You deserve it. You know you do. And you will find it, soon.

Pile 2 - Renew

conformation :

saiki k, giving up, letting go, leaving things behind, mental overload, 'Jesus fucking Christ', jealous, letting go of that person, shadow work, yellow, outlook, aries, the moon, big lips, 333, the number 3.

Your messages

1. Bite down. Let it flow into your veins, your soul, your spirit. Its part of you now.

2. Is it a real worry, or just something from your past you don't want to let go of?

3. Jail. Time to rest. Now.

4. Eat and care for your physical body. You can't idolize shifting. You're not getting anywhere doing that.

5. Look in the mirror - no. Not at the past. At who you are now. Who you've become.

6. You have the balls. Go fucking do it.

7. Don't accept the truth from other people, find and make your own. That's what they see, not what you know.

8. Her claws. Her teeth. She's manipulating you. Let her go. Rip away from her. She's wasting your time, energy and draining your soul.

9. "I  DO love you. That doesn't mean I'll let you hurt yourself."

10. I am watching. Always. In your good times and bad. I'm here for you. Just ask for help.

Pile 3 - Love

confirmation :

wrist and elbow, jumpscares/ being scared, saturn, planets, fnaf, cycles, broken cycles, love watch, soulmate reuniting, mha (lmao bro idek at this point), drawing, heartache, feeling lonely, barbie, hip dips, trios.

1. Wake up from that dream and make it a reality, you know what you have to do, so go do it.

2. "Beg for my mercy." - This had a VERY sexual undertone... Obviously from a dominant partner or something

3. 'Hello again, my friend! What do you have to tell me now?"

4. You know that thing you asked for? Yeah. It's coming. Keep your eyes pealed (for some I heard it's even coming tomorrow!)

5. Sit in silence, you know what it is. You hear the voices.

6. Pack your bags and go.

7. Grab on, I'll lead you to where you need to be.

8. Don't chase what you're attracting, that will only lead to disaster. (A manifestation you wanted is coming, this is basically saying don't overwork and beat yourself up over it. It's coming and nothing will stop it.)

9. Nature is your friend. Go out and ground yourself. Lay in the grass, smell the rain.

10. If you want to learn, you need the knowledge. Search for what you want to find. You can see it. Ask around. You'll find it. Look, look, look, search, look look, search, find.

I hope this pac resonated for everyone! remember, this will find you when you need it, take what relates, leave what doesnt. remember you are in charge of your future.

i love you. new things are coming.

dont give up.

1111

[thearchercore]

why charles, ironically, is a good fit as a potential condender for a red bull seat and why red bull needs a driver like charles (an essay)

charles embodies the "red bull gives you wings" mentality and branding. red bull prides themselves with pushing limits, constant adrenaline rush of the sports they currently sponsor/participate in. just look at his recent instagram posts, he loves doing weird side quests for the adrenaline rush -- something ferrari does not particularly enjoy. for instance, he once tried skydiving (to quote @gaslightgirlsummer "he’s legally not allowed to do it anymore. he was actually legally not allowed to do it when he did it the first time around either"). when he got asked about it, he said "in case it went wrong, i would not be here to be told up".

max and checo, on the other hand, prefer only racing. they don't do anything extra during their prep or training. in fact, max prefers to train in the privacy of his own balcony. the both don't really resonate with the initial message red bull is trying to push, they only do so exclusively when racing.

red bull is in desparate need of keeping themselves interesting for potential sponsors and just in general, being in the public eye and remaining relavant. their main goal is to sell the drinks, after all. max recently had an interview with the TIME magazine, released around the vegas weekend, conducted around COTA, the interview highlighted that max's focus is on racing and the PR responsibilites pretty much drain his energy because they are part of the sport. it showcased that despite the results in racing, they need someone who's more interesting for sponsors/events to keep themselves in the spotlight, which max and checo don't really do. charles, on the other hand, attends these events quite smoothly.

recently, christian horner at the ferrari movie premiere:

Christian Horner says Ferrari would be ‘crazy’ not to keep hold of Charles Leclerc:

Horner on the contract extension rumours:

🗣️: “It’s totally natural, he’s a great driver. I’m sure they’ll want to keep hold of him and they’d be crazy if they didn’t.”

there's more but to align it with my previous charles PR rebrand post, it's truly fascinating to see charles and his PR team push the narrative of all his adrenaline side quests as of recent from his training (24 hour ski trip from italy to austria and back, or the sliding). i'm not saying that charles is going to red bull, i still believe he wants to give ferrari one more chance, but i am convinced charles has a solid back up plan if ferrari does not deliver again, and red bull keeps their door open in case charles wants to look for a team alternative in the future. don't forget contracts have mutliple exit clauses, and it would be stupid to think charles did not secure the ferrari contract with multiple to make sure he wouldn't waste his active racing years at a team that won't deliver and help him achieve the WDC title. don't forget what charles said - he's ready to leave ferrari if he does not believe in the project anymore.

"Whenever I don't believe in the project anymore, I'll have to go away. Because it’s in these kinds of situations that you don't get the best out of yourself, that you don't help the team as much as it needs to be helped."

and that's exactly what's happening. now it's up to ferrari to deliver on the said project.

[thelunarsystemwrites]

Lunar's mental health. An update.

TW: bad mental health, EDs, depression, s/h, personal stuff, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, vent, self hate, heavy topics.

Sorry I haven't been posting!!

An update on me.

...Hi, you might know me as Lunar, or, TheLunarSystemWrites! I'm just an artist on here, trying to do things I like.... right?

Well, unfortunately, real life doesn't really... care. It doesn't care if I have friends to talk to, art to make, things I like to do.

I've been exhausted, physically and mentally. I've been busy working a lot in our home. (Painting, building, packing, inside work, cooking, etc) and it's always stressful... we're starting to get a little tight on money.

I've spent majority of my time in my bed. I don't wanna face my family members, so I've hidden away. It's hard to get up every day, and try to find the will to take care of myself.

I also recently relapsed with Bulimia, a disorder that, essentially means I throw up whatever I eat. I've been purging since September 16th, 2022. But I had awhile where I only purged once a day or none, but I'm back at it with full force. So my body doesn't have any energy left. I've also now lost my periods do to it.

I don't sleep well. It's much easier to stay up all night than waste my only free time sleeping. So I have no energy from sleeping well unless I sleep a whole day away, which makes me groggy.

Self harm is also something bothering me too, I'm too tired to do it and yet I keep doing it. Wasting precious spoons on it, I literally can't be clean for a whole year this year, that dream is dead. But, I am a few days clean as I type!

Suicidal and intrusive thoughts have been.... pesky. But I can't just leave my friends, plus I have prizes to make.

But, I'm unmotivated. I can't seem to write or draw anything. All my art is looking... regressed, to me. Everything is repetitive.

I've hated myself now more than ever in my life, I'm in a pretty bad place and I hate how self aware I am.

SPEAKING of regression! I have like, regression block. My brain isn't working with me, isn't regressing unless Involuntary. So my main coping mechanism is.... out of order.

I've been angry at the world, really pissy and moody. Tired, hungry, sad, then happy but not much. Numbness is a huge factor, I'm feeling depressed.

Not to mention, there's drama everywhere I look. This creator gets bullied, that one turns out to be disgusting. People get doxxed over opinions... it's constantly anxiety that I'll be wrongly accused, ridiculed, or abandoned. It's terrifying that people will go at each other's throats. It's exhausting to deal with it and be dragged into drama with problematic people.

Every day has been the same for me for the past 3 years. I'm tired, bored, understimulation controls me.

My friends are my lifeline right now.

I feel uncomfortable in my own body all the time, unsatisfied with my art, everything is essentially falling apart in my life.

Depression, anxiety... not a good mix to wake up disoriented and anxious, then gave zero spoons throughout the day. I'm not in a good home situation right now.

So... I kinda just... haven't been posting, role-playing, answering DMs, answering asks, etc...

I'm burnt out.

I feel like I'm a walking corpse.

Useless even.

I don't feel like myself anymore, I barely have the energy to talk to friends, every little bad things sets me back. I just can't bring myself to really engage much anymore.

So... sorry. I'm sorry, if I wasted your time. Or if this isn't like what you wanted to hear. I'm just not okay anymore, April was the last good month I had this year. APRIL.

I just wanted to update you all, there's a lot of other stuff I didn't share because it's nit important. I swear I'll get to the prizes eventually, I just ain't up to it right now. Might not be for awhile, apologies in advance!!

Hope you guys can understand, I might or might not be back to doing art, who knows. But I'll definitely get things done before that if I ever stopped. It just doesn't bring me joy, I used to hope I'd make an AU people cares about, and I've barely achieved that ^^"

Hope you're all well!! Stay safe, take care!! Remember to hydrate and to try eating if you can, you're spectacular!!!

Daily clicks!! ^^

Previous pinned post.

[severinageto]

Thank you, Yoshi

(One shot for @flufftober )

(Word count: 5,822)

The keyboard echoed in Suguru's office with a mechanical, tedious rhythm, almost like an instrument in one of those repetitive songs. The words on the screen blurred together, and every time he reread them, they made even less sense. The damn PhD thesis that had been stuck in his head for years had to eventually become words, but without him realizing it, the deadline was coming at him like a tsunami, and every time he looked at a calendar, his chest tightened, his teeth clenched, and his back stiffened. Rarely had he ever felt this much pressure.

Sighing heavily, Suguru rested his elbow on the desk and ran a hand through his messy dark hair, pulling at it as if that would ease the pressure in his head. He had no idea if the clock on the wall showed four in the morning or six in the evening; he barely registered time anymore. All he felt was the constant weight on his shoulders and one nagging thought: "Hurry up, Geto Suguru."

Suddenly, the sound of his door being flung open made him jump.

"Suguru!"

Of course, it was him. The owner of that carefree, masculine voice was the only one who would dare interrupt him like that.

Suguru sighed and kept his eyes fixed on the screen. The looming deadline didn’t allow him to give in to the electrifying energy of that magnetic man. If he kept falling for Satoru’s distractions (like he had been for the last few months), he wouldn't become Geto Suguru PhD before turning forty, and that was far from the plan he’d laid out back when he became a sorcerer at the tender age of fifteen.

"Not now, Satoru..." he muttered, jaw clenched, trying to ignore the automatic desire that washed over him whenever his partner’s familiar scent hit him. "I'm not in the mood."

Gojo Satoru, bearer of the Six Eyes, user of the Limitless technique, head of the Gojo clan, and full-time professor of *whatever-is-needed-today* at the Tokyo Metropolitan Curse Technical School, wasn’t going to take that for an answer. He’d expected it, sure, but he was convinced he could change it. He strolled into the office with that confidence that could be as intimidating as it was annoying, and the smirk that drove Suguru crazy. Casually, he tossed a small stack of papers aside and perched on the desk. He pulled a candy from one of his pockets, unwrapped it, and started eating.

"That’s why I ditched my students to come see you," he said, not bothering to take the candy out of his mouth. "I don’t like you spending the night working."

Suguru didn’t respond. He’d been sleeping in the school office to avoid wasting time going back and forth. He’d explained it to Satoru, and he’d sworn he understood and wouldn’t make a big deal out of it.

"And I don’t like these interruptions. You know that."

Gojo kicked his legs, like a mischievous kid, to hide his worry. When Suguru decided to chase his academic dreams, Satoru knew he'd see less of him and that his boyfriend’s intellectual side would kick in, but he never imagined a PhD would be this much work or involve something as barbaric as sleeping on the deputy director’s couch. Besides, the truth was he couldn’t enjoy his four hours of sleep without Suguru next to him. If he didn’t feel his rhythmic breathing, or catch his sweet scent, he just couldn’t relax.

He watched him. Those feline eyes were glued to the screen, his nose practically touching it, and his hands typing like stopping meant the end of the world. That couldn’t be good for his mental health. And Satoru needed Suguru’s mental health to be okay. He didn’t even want to think about seeing him slip back into a dark place.

"Hey, look at me, Suguru."

Geto glanced over, blinking excessively, partly to rest from the monitor's light and partly to emphasize his annoyance. He lit a cigarette and sighed again. He loved that sugar-proof man, but boy, did he know how to get under his skin.

"What are you trying to pull?" he asked.

Satoru answered with a cryptic smile. Geto rolled his eyes. He didn’t have the patience for his boyfriend’s childish games.

"I have stuff to do, Satoru. Wish my thesis would just write itself."

Satoru lifted his blindfold and stared at him for a few seconds. Suguru looked exhausted—dark circles under his eyes, dry skin, messy hair. "Stress is taking the best of my boyfriend," Satoru thought, "and I’m not gonna let it."

Suddenly, he scooped him up. Suguru was stunned for a few seconds until he realized what was happening. He started flailing his legs.

"Satoru, put me down!"

"Nope. You’re getting some air."

Suguru tried to wiggle free, but Gojo was faster.

"I have to write, you idiot!"

Satoru slung him over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes.

"Well, you’ll just have to wait, dumbass! I’m not asking, I’m telling you!"

If anyone had any doubt about how strong Gojo was, it probably vanished when they saw him running around campus, carrying a six-foot-tall martial artist who looked light as a feather and was screaming like a baby. The shouts of "Satoru, put me down, you massive idiot" and "I’ll never forgive you, you moron" echoed throughout the school, even drawing Yuuji, Megumi, and Nobara out of their curse class.

"What do you think’s going on?" Yuuji asked.

"Isn’t it obvious? Gojo-sensei’s kidnapping Geto-sensei to lock him up somewhere shady. I knew he was a yandere," Nobara said with disgust.

"Could be. He’s been whining about how he never has time anymore because of that whole PhD thesis thing," added Megumi, who had appeared behind Yuuji.

Itadori started laughing, and Nobara rolled her eyes.

"Where do you think he’s taking him? The basement? A storage closet? The abandoned cabin in the woods?" Kugisaki asked, eyeing Megumi.

"They’re probably headed to the roof of the main building," Fushiguro replied casually, staring at his phone. "They’ve got like a million ugly selfies up there."

Megumi wasn’t wrong. Satoru was heading with determination, ignoring Suguru’s complaints, toward his favorite spot. At first glance, it might not seem like much, but for him, that place held a special mysticism. The first time he stayed overnight at Tokyo’s school, unable to sleep after a long day of training, he had snuck up to the traditional rooftop to lie down and gaze at the stars. Breathing deeply and letting the night sky cover him, he realized that place had a calmness like no other, and from that moment, it became his personal sanctuary.

Until he met the one person he wanted to share his nocturnal sanctuary with. With Suguru, he discovered that not only the dark hours had that special charm he had first loved, but that peace also filled his soul at dawn, noon, mid-afternoon, and of course, during the orange sunsets.

Or maybe it was just sitting there, side by side with the person he loved.

Anyhow, the rooftop was a small piece of paradise that he had decided to share with who, to him, was the only angel that had fallen from heaven. That's why he had gone to great lengths to make it comfortable for both of them. After all, what was good for Satoru was good for Suguru. It couldn’t be any other way for two people who shared the same soul.

He was thinking about this when he noticed Suguru had stopped yelling. For his part, the curse manipulator had figured out what his boyfriend was up to. And, as tired and stressed as he was, he decided to let himself be pampered by his beloved two-meter albino. As soon as Satoru jumped onto the roof, Geto rested his head on his shoulder and hugged him, feeling tender.

With that strange mix of bluntness and awkwardness that defined him, Satoru set his boyfriend down on the ground. Smiling at him, he sat beside him.

“No one can stay mad at that smile,” Suguru thought.

“You always do whatever you want,” he muttered, his voice carrying a false toughness.

Satoru, without saying a word, leaned on his legs. He took off his blindfold and, playfully, started waving it in his face.

“Being grumpy doesn’t suit you like it does Megumi. You’re not 15 anymore.”

Suguru shook his head, pulling out a cigarette. He was right. Those years when his only responsibilities were the missions, his only problems not having the highest exam score, and his only interest holding the hand of the man next to him, were gone, never to return.

Before he could take his first drag, Satoru snatched the cigarette from his mouth and tossed it far away.

“Hey!”

“I can feel your cortisol levels. Cosplaying as a chimney isn’t helping.”

Suguru fixed his eyes on the horizon. The first colors of sunset were beginning to appear.

“It helps me calm down.”

“How about you calm down by putting something else in your mouth?”

Suguru blushed. Twelve years together and he still wasn’t used to his boyfriend’s direct ways.

He stroked his hair and kissed his forehead. He was there. Better to just go with it.

“Is that why you brought me up here? Sorry to disappoint, but I’m not putting anything of yours inside me in a place where Panda might easily find us.”

Gojo started laughing. He hadn’t brought him up there for that, but it didn’t hurt to hint at how much he wanted to feel Suguru’s mouth in his cock. It had been a couple of days without Suguru’s touch. He understood his reasons, but that didn’t make him miss it any less.

“You’ve done it before.”

Suguru let out a mischievous, embarrassed laugh. That was true.

“The last time must have been the night we graduated.”

Gojo sat up and looked him in the face. He smiled at what he saw in front of him. Even with the obvious signs of sleep deprivation, he was beautiful. He took a deep breath and kissed him on the cheek. He couldn’t believe that fortune had favored him so much as to gift him the love of such a creature, for so long. What had he done to deserve it?

“Suguru, do you realize how long we’ve been together?”

Geto kissed him softly on the lips. Yeah, he realized. He had been walking alongside the great Gojo Satoru since he was fifteen years old. Sometimes it was hard to grasp how much time that really was, and he couldn’t help but wonder how things would’ve been if he had broken up with him, as he’d considered during his darkest moments. Obviously different, but never better. When he saw the loving look in his eyes, he couldn’t help but smile. He didn’t regret spending half his life with the albino. In fact, lately, he’d been seriously thinking about spending the rest of it with him.

“Yes. It’ll be thirteen years this summer.”

Satoru’s eyes widened.

“What? No, no. This spring.”

“What are you talking about? Don’t you remember how hot it was on our first date?”

“You’re counting our relationship from our first date?!” he exclaimed, with exaggerated drama.

“Since when do you count it from?” Suguru asked, raising an eyebrow.

Satoru grinned, showing all his teeth, and gave him a shove.

“Well, from the day we met, you absolute idiot. Don't you remember?”

Suguru shoved him back.

“How could I forget, you absolute moron?”

April, 2005

Masamichi looked at the chaos that Yoshi, his sister’s hyperactive Kishu Ken, had caused in his office. He had only been taking care of him for an hour out of the three days he had promised, and he already felt on the verge of a breakdown. So when he heard his two students laughing in the hallway, the idea of handing over the puppy to them seemed pretty tempting.

“What? But we were about to leave!” Satoru exclaimed, while Shoko laughed, amused.

“Come on, Gojo. It’s not like we’ve got any hard classes tomorrow or anything,” said the sorceress, petting Yoshi.

Masamichi ignored his student’s hint and simply handed them the leash and the dog’s food.

“It’ll just be for a couple of hours. I’ve got something important to finish before tomorrow.”

With that, Yaga walked away from his students as fast as he could. He couldn’t stand Shoko’s ironic laughter and Satoru’s complaints.

“If these two are already making me age faster, I don’t even want to imagine how it’ll be with the one arriving tomorrow,” he muttered to himself as he left the academy.

Shoko waited until their teacher was out of sight and quickly handed the puppy to Satoru.

“I’m meeting Utahime, Gojo. You’re on dog-sitting duty.”

Satoru felt like he was about to explode with rage. That wasn’t fair. He had plans too. It was his last free afternoon before the first day of school, and of course, he intended to spend it with his best friend—the Nintendo Wii.

“You’re leaving me alone with this flea bag, you traitorous bitch?”

Shoko burst out laughing.

“I’d love to spend the afternoon with a nerd who calls me a traitorous bitch, but I’ve got other plans, Gojo,” she said, waving goodbye and tossing the dog food to Satoru.

Gojo stood in the hallway, dumbfounded, with the puppy in his arms. Never in his life had he taken care of another living creature. He had no idea what to do. He looked at the puppy, who started licking his face.

“Ugh, stop it, you idiot,” he said, pulling him off and putting him on the floor. “You’re kinda gross, you know that?”

Yoshi tilted his head, as if he couldn’t understand how someone could feel grossed out by something so cute. He barked, demanding attention.

Satoru looked at him in surprise, his eyes widening. Who did this furball think he was? The dog barked again, as if he could read his thoughts. Satoru glanced at the bag of food and shook it in front of him.

“Food? Yeah, well, go to hel—”

Before he could finish the sentence, little Yoshi had snatched the bag of food and, taking advantage of the fact that Gojo wasn’t holding his leash, bolted towards the exit, barking all the way. Satoru, shocked by the dog's audacity, took a few seconds to realize that the furball had escaped.

“You little son of a bitch!” he shouted as he began chasing after him.

Sure, Gojo Satoru was the strongest and his legs were probably a meter long each, but much to his annoyance, Kishu Kens were a hunting breed, known for their speed. Not only that, but Yoshi had a couple of paws and a few seconds’ head start.

Yoshi, in an obvious attempt to get away from the boring, stuck-up human, dashed towards one of the academy’s large courtyards. With his 35 km/h speed, he turned left, then right, and then sprinted straight toward one of the many koi-filled ponds that decorated the gardens. It’s not common for a dog to have an accident, but this particular one was so eager to escape from Satoru that he didn’t manage to stop in time. With a loud crash, he knocked someone into the pond, both puppy and person falling in with a splash.

Seconds after Yoshi’s high-speed disaster, Satoru appeared, panting. His breathing became even more labored when he saw a boy, broad-shouldered and about his age, who, despite being soaked from the muddy pond water, was laughing loudly while Yoshi playfully licked his face. The boy suddenly noticed Satoru’s presence and gave him a sweet look; not only were his sensual lips smiling, but his gaze was too, with feline, narrow eyes that held a mesmerizing violet color. He waved with his right hand, while his left stroked the mischievous puppy.

He was probably the most beautiful thing Satoru had ever seen.

“Uh… could you give me a hand?” the boy asked, motioning to stand up.

Satoru, startled by this strange feeling of admiration for someone of the same sex, didn’t respond. He just stood there, looking at him with a perfectly stupid expression.

The boy waited a few seconds for Satoru to help, but when he realized the guy in front of him might have some social issues, he decided to get up on his own. However, the task was complicated by the fact that the dog had his front paws resting on his lap.

“Well, if you won’t help me, the least you could do is take care of your furry friend,” he said, pulling Yoshi off him.

The boy got out of the pond and stood in front of Satoru. He let his hair down and shook it, letting a small strand fall over his left eye. Satoru stared at him intently, with only one word repeating in his mind, over and over.

“Bangs,” he said, unknowingly, out loud.

“What?”

Gojo blushed and looked away. Picking up the disobedient Yoshi in his arms, he said, “I asked who you are and what you’re doing here. You’re not a student. I don’t know you.”

The boy, also slightly blushing, leaned against the nearby willow tree.

“And how do you know everyone who comes to this school, huh?”

“Pfft. I’m Gojo Satoru. Of course I know everyone,” he said arrogantly, petting a reluctant Yoshi on the head. “And everyone knows me.”

The boy tied his hair back up and gave him a mischievous smile.

“Well, I’m Geto Suguru,” he said with a small bow, “and I don’t know you.”

Satoru took a deep breath and decided to act like he didn’t care, masking the rage he felt at this Suguru guy’s insolence.

“Doubt it,” he said, inspecting his nails. “But if you really don’t know who I am, what are you doing here, Geto Suguru?”

Suguru looked at the ground, searching for an answer. The truth was, few things had excited him as much in his short life as the prospect of starting his journey into the world of sorcery. Ever since Masamichi had found him and explained what his talent and power meant, he hadn’t stopped thinking about the institution he’d be part of for many years. That’s why, as soon as he arrived in Tokyo, he headed straight to the place, determined to see it, even though the official start was the next day.

Surprised at how easily he’d wandered onto the grounds, he began exploring, marveling at the traditional architecture and lush gardens. When he came across an old willow tree by a pond, he couldn’t resist standing there to smoke. That’s what he had been doing when Yoshi crashed into him, dragging him into the water. While he wasn’t embarrassed about that, he was a bit ashamed of the fact that he had been “illegally” smoking cigarettes in the garden of his future school.

He looked again at this Gojo Satoru. His white hair and exceptional height made him instantly unforgettable, at least to him. Or maybe it wasn’t those things, but his mysterious sunglasses and that soft yet masculine voice. Either way, he didn’t feel the need to make any excuses. For some strange reason, he felt comfortable around this arrogant guy.

He opened his mouth to reply, but instead, let out a loud sneeze. The dog mimicked him.

“Would you mind lending me a change of clothes, Gojo Satoru? And a bath for me and this little one would be nice,” he asked with his best smile, petting Yoshi’s head.

Satoru felt a strange tingle at the thought of Suguru bathing. He blinked several times, shaking away the impure thoughts, and as he took the puppy’s leash, he said,

“I’ll get you dry clothes, but only if I help with the bath.”

“What?”

Gojo turned bright red as he realized what he’d said.

“Help me! With Yoshi’s bath! His bath, not yours! Ah!” he exclaimed, pointing dramatically at the dog.

Geto might have felt uncomfortable with that Freudian slip if it had come from anyone else, but from his future partner, it just made him feel an inexplicable fondness. He laughed, instinctively flirtatious, and started walking.

“After you, Gojo Satoru.”

***

Satoru leaned against the locker room doorframe, arms crossed, chewing one of his many strawberry-flavored gums furiously. He was inexplicably nervous. The only sound he could hear was the water falling with that distinct rhythm of a shower. But that wasn’t what was driving him crazy—it was those brief moments when he could hear the soft movements of Suguru’s body under the water. That image seemed more interesting than he’d ever dare admit.

He turned and walked toward the exit of the locker room. From the moment he saw Suguru’s rebellious lock of hair, he realized he hadn’t felt this way about anyone. Sure, it was true that his short sixteen years hadn’t been free of dates with girls or the occasional teenage crush, but to be left speechless? Nervous? Saying stupid things? That was new to him. And Gojo Satoru was anything but stupid. It was a simple matter of adding two and two—this Geto Suguru confused him. Despite knowing him for less than an hour, something about him immediately mesmerized him: Suguru was calm, yet didn’t put up with any nonsense, and definitely wouldn’t let himself be intimidated. That made him a challenge. And Satoru loved challenges, the first of which was to stop thinking about how, just a few meters away, that attractive boy was naked, water running down his body, with an expression of pleasure that only cleanliness can bring.

“What the hell is wrong with you, Satoru?” he muttered under his breath, glancing down at Yoshi, who was watching him from a comfortable spot at his feet.

“And what are you looking at?” he asked the puppy. The little dog wagged its tail and looked at him with a playful, curious expression, as if he knew exactly the sea of confused thoughts swirling around the albino’s mind.

Gojo snorted, letting the puppy’s cuteness win him over. He petted him and, making sure Suguru couldn’t hear, spoke to him as if he could understand.

“This idiot’s bangs have gotten in my head because of you, Yoshi.”

The dog barked and wagged its tail, which to Satoru was a sign that not only was he the strongest, but he could probably talk to animals too.

A few seconds later, he heard Suguru turn off the water. He sighed, imagining him stepping out of the shower. He felt really dumb. He was thinking about that when he saw him come out with a towel, his black hair wet, falling straight over his broad shoulders. Discreetly, and shielded by his dark glasses, he glanced at his body.

“He’s fucking perfect,” he thought, swallowing hard as he tried to tear his eyes away from his sculpted abs and strong pecs.

Suguru wasn’t dumb either, and being the owner of such a savage, enormous beauty, he knew what he stirred in others. Usually, the lascivious stares from people he had just met disgusted him, but from this peculiar albino, they filled him with a strange sense of pride. Smiling, and calmly as he wrung out his hair, he thanked him for letting him use the shower.

“Yeah… well… you asked and…” Satoru coughed, in an exaggerated and ridiculous attempt to seem nonchalant. “…there’s your clothes.”

Suguru, still with the towel wrapped around his sculpted body, arched an eyebrow at him.

“You mind?” he said, gesturing toward the towel.

Satoru felt extreme heat rush through his body. Grumbling things in a language that didn’t exist, he turned around.

“You look… different without mud in your hair,” he said, immediately regretting it.

Suguru laughed heartily as he buttoned the pants Satoru had lent him, which were especially tight around his rear.

“Thanks?” he said, trying not to sound too ironic. “I’m ready. It’s your furry friend’s turn,” he added.

Satoru turned back around, picking up Yoshi in his arms.

“He’s not mine. He belongs to some old idiot who… ah, never mind.”

“Either way, you don’t want him to keep smelling like a pond, do you?”

Satoru shook his head. The dog really did smell bad, and while he hated playing babysitter and had no desire to bathe him, the truth was, doing so meant more time with him. Surprised by his own thoughts, he waved his hands as if to shoo them away and headed to one of the tubs. He turned on the hot water and placed his hand under the stream to check the temperature.

Suguru watched him closely and crouched down beside him. Without understanding where the gesture came from, he also brought his hand to the stream of water. Inevitably, their fingers brushed for a second. Startled, Gojo pulled his hand away.

“I think it’s…” he began nervously.

“Yeah, I think it’s perfect,” Suguru interrupted, embarrassed.

They both looked in opposite directions, their cheeks flushed. Slowly, Suguru glanced at Satoru, only to find him looking back. They locked eyes for a few seconds, until Yoshi barked loudly.

“Okay, time for the real deal, Gojo. You hold him, I’ll soap him up.”

Satoru nodded and placed the playful puppy in the tub. Yoshi, clearly enjoying himself, wagged his tail energetically, splashing both sorcerers with water.

Suguru let out a small smile. The brushing of their hands was inevitable, and it made him feel a spark he didn’t know existed. He tried to focus on the puppy’s white fur, but it was impossible. The soft touch of Satoru’s hands was becoming irresistible; he was holding back the urge to just grab his hands in his own.

“You’re good with animals, Geto,” the albino suddenly said. Of course, he felt that tension too. Time to break the ice.

Suguru smiled.

“Well… I’ve always liked them. They don’t bother with unnecessary things. If they don’t like you, they let you know and…” his heart started racing as he locked eyes with Satoru, “…if they like you, they let you know that too.”

Gojo let out a nervous laugh, but covered it with his usual arrogance.

“Or maybe they just know how to ask for shelter and food.”

Suguru raised both eyebrows, surprised by the albino’s response. “So that’s his game,” he thought.

“Well, a relationship can start from something as simple as shelter and food,” Suguru said, brushing his hands against his again.

Satoru swallowed hard. He didn’t know what Suguru meant, but he was almost convinced he was flirting with him. Geto, for his part, started whistling nervously. He didn’t know what he had meant either or why he had started flirting like that.

Suddenly, Yoshi shook himself energetically, spraying water and soap over both sorcerers. They couldn’t help but laugh. The puppy’s gesture had helped break some of the obvious tension. Still laughing, Satoru turned to Suguru.

"Hey, can you help me take off my glasses? They're covered in foam, and I can't clean them while holding this flea-ridden thing."

Suguru nodded and carefully removed the glasses from Satoru's face. Seeing him without them, he stifled a gasp of admiration. Nothing had prepared him for those eyes. The albino looked at him, smiling, and Suguru nearly fell backwards. In that brief time next to him, he had noticed his extravagant attractiveness, but he had never imagined, in a million years, that just seeing him once without his mysterious glasses would make him fall head over heels.

Satoru laughed again when he noticed Suguru staring at him with his mouth open. He gave him a playful nudge with his shoulder.

"You seriously don’t know anything about Gojo Satoru and his Six Eyes?" he said, in a smug voice.

Embarrassed, Suguru shook his head. A few seconds later, he returned the nudge.

"Geto Suguru doesn’t care about people who talk in third person."

They both looked at each other and burst into synchronized laughter, while Yoshi kept shaking himself. Satoru continued to hold the puppy with one hand, and with the other, wiped some foam off Suguru's face. Geto, stunned by the gesture and the never-ending beauty of those eyes, smiled like a complete idiot, until he realized how much he was giving himself away.

He coughed discreetly and rubbed his hands together. Grabbing the towel Satoru had left next to him, he started drying him off.

"I think this guy’s clean. And he needs a walk."

Satoru wasn’t a shy person at all, but he had to muster all his strength to ask:

"Would you come with me?"

Suguru checked his watch. He had orders to present himself to the school board the day before starting and was already running late. He glanced at Satoru. Oh well. At that moment, he couldn’t resist those eyes. And he wouldn’t be able to for the rest of his life.

"Yeah... why not?" he replied, standing up.

***

The afternoon air was warm, though the soft breeze carried a freshness that indicated spring was in full bloom. In the distance, the cherry trees in the courtyard were starting to blossom, decorating the scene with their delicate pink petals swaying in the wind. Yoshi trotted happily in front of them, gently tugging on the leash Suguru held in his hand.

Satoru walked beside Suguru, their steps in sync as they crossed the school yard in silence. But it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. There was something about Suguru’s presence that calmed him, and at the same time, made him nervous. Who was this guy really? And more importantly: was he here to stay?

"So," Satoru began, breaking the silence with his usual carefree tone, "You’re here as a student, right? I mean, you were snooping around and you’re radiating cursed energy. Pretty strong, too. I’m guessing you already know that."

Suguru looked ahead, his gaze calm and his steps steady. He took a second to respond, as if carefully choosing his words.

"Yeah, seems that way. I’ll be here…" he glanced at Satoru from the corner of his eye, "... for a good while."

Satoru couldn’t help but smile, though he tried to hide it. The fact that Suguru was staying brought an unexpected relief. There was something about having him around that made him feel an emotion he didn’t quite understand yet, but it was there, present in every exchange, every glance.

"I’m glad," Satoru said, looking up at the sky now painted with a soft orange hue as the sun began to set. "I mean, it’s cool. I figured you’d stay anyway."

Suguru glanced at him sideways, a slight smile playing on his lips.

"Oh yeah? And why’s that?"

Satoru shrugged, pretending a nonchalance he didn’t feel.

"Call it intuition. Or maybe it’s just that I can’t picture you anywhere else."

Realizing what he’d said, he felt a slight warmth rise to his neck, but he kept his expression casual.

Suguru observed him silently for a moment longer, and though he didn’t say anything, Satoru could feel that his words had struck a chord. There was something between them, a tension in the air, but neither seemed willing to break the fragile balance they had.

Yoshi, oblivious to any tension, stopped to sniff the grass, and Satoru took the pause to look at the cherry trees around them. The petals were slowly falling to the ground, floating gracefully through the air. One of them, with almost poetic precision, gently landed on Suguru’s head, getting tangled in the dark strands of his hair.

Satoru smiled, amused by the sight, and without thinking too much about it, he stepped closer. He raised his hand and, with care, removed the petal from Suguru’s hair.

"You’ve got a guest," he said in a playful tone, holding the petal between his fingers before letting the wind take it away.

Suguru looked at him, surprised by the gesture, and for a second, the space between them seemed to shrink. The closeness of Satoru, the way his hand had moved with such care, caused a strange warmth to settle in Suguru’s chest. It was as if, suddenly, the air around them had grown heavier, like every small movement and every word carried a deeper meaning.

"Thanks," Suguru murmured, lowering his gaze slightly, something he didn’t usually do. Satoru, in his awkward but charming way, disarmed him in a way no one else could.

Satoru, aware of the tension but not wanting to break the moment, cleared his throat.

"No problem. Though, if you’re staying at the school, you’ll probably end up covered in petals all the time. It’s kinda a tradition." He smiled, trying to lighten the mood, though his blue eyes remained fixed on Suguru’s.

They started walking again, this time in silence, but the atmosphere had shifted. Each step they took brought them closer, not just physically, but in a deeper way, as if without needing words, they were both acknowledging something they couldn’t quite name yet. Yoshi ran ahead, happy to be outside, unaware of the little dance his caretakers were playing.

The sun kept sinking, and the sky had turned to shades of gold and pink, creating an almost surreal scene, perfect for the moment they were living. The shadows were lengthening, and as they walked, they both felt that time had slowed. The usual noise of the school had faded, and all that could be heard was the soft rustle of the leaves and Yoshi’s playful barks.

Satoru, gazing at the sunset, couldn’t help but feel like he could get used to this. To Suguru’s company, to the way his presence filled the silence without needing words. There was something warm about being by his side, something he hadn’t experienced before and didn’t want to let go of.

"It’s a nice place to stay," Suguru murmured suddenly, his eyes lost in the horizon as the sun finished setting behind the mountains. "I think I could get used to this."

Satoru glanced at him, a small smile playing on his lips.

"Yeah, me too. I mean, probably."

He wasn’t sure if Suguru was talking about the place or something else, but in that moment, it didn’t matter. They were both sharing something, something beyond words. The attraction they felt for each other was still there, present, but there was no rush to name it or act on it. They just wanted to enjoy the moment, the shared silence, and the quiet companionship they had started to build.

As the last ray of sunlight disappeared, Satoru sighed, feeling strangely at peace. Maybe, he thought, it wasn’t so bad to let himself go with what he felt. Maybe, with Suguru by his side, everything would start to make a new kind of sense.

And yet, nothing had made him realize he had just met his first love.

The one and only.

————————-

Art by https://x.com/C_WOLFxx1

[bigsnaff]

The Old Way

The Commander and Rytlock go on a little trip. It doesn't quite go as planned. Set between IBS and EoD. 1.5k words. CWs: injury, alcohol, descriptions of blood

"You ever been hunting the old way?"

Rytlock throws his shot back, and the whiskey burns his throat just about as much as the setting sun does his eyes. He leans back on his stool and gives her a look.

"Sure, few times." Just about every charr had, at least once or twice. Usually something reserved for the youngsters. Get that pent up energy burnt in a way that no morning drill ever could. "Been about a decade." He scratches behind a horn. "Or two." 

Strip off your plate armor and go running. Sink your fangs in. Bring back a fresh kill that your warband could fight over the best cuts of over a spit fire. Wasn't something he ever got too much into, really. Wasn't as much of a fan of gamey meat. But he knew Cyna was a different story.

She matches his position and leans back, her own drink long emptied, a look in her eyes. "Talked to a merchant yesterday. They made mention that some of the wild dolyak herds are finally migrating west of here. Wouldn't mind some help."

"Y'ever hunted dolyak?" Rytlock hums.

"No. You?"

"The wild ones? Big bastards. Meaner than the pack ones. Norn will take a whole party for just a couple of 'em. You aren't taking one down by yourself."

She grins, pointing between them. "No, but we can."

He has to laugh at that. "If you'd asked me ten years ago, maybe. But nah; I'm out for the count on crap like that anymore. Go ask Braham 'r something."

Braham was a sore spot, still. Rytlock wasn't even sure why he brought him up; the kid was still recovering. Physically. And mentally. They all were.

"I'm not asking Braham," Cyna says firmly, "I'm asking you."

He huffs. If one really needed the meat, then a gun or bow was just more efficient, plain and simple. But in this case, neither of them did. It wouldn't go to waste either way, sure, but Rytlock knew why she was ultimately asking. It was the same reason they were drinking together right now; more fun with company.

He swirls the contents of his fourth shot, looking down at the amber bubbles with a low, droning rumble in his chest. Not a good time to negotiate something like this. Mind addled.

He finally looks back up, catching Cyna's hard eyes. "And Reeva already said no?"

Her teeth grind a little as she looks away. Another sore spot. "Didn't ask. Won't ask."

"Right." He places a hand down on the table and leaves behind a few silver, sliding his remaining shot Cyna's way. She gives him a side-eye before her fingers wrap around it.

“So,” she brings the glass up to her lips, “what is it, Tribune?”

“Why the hell not.” Not like she hasn't pulled him into considerably worse. He'd even ask Crecia to come along if he knew she was so inclined. It was more of a warband activity, anyway. But he already knew what her answer would be, so he'd save it. “When were you planning on it?”

She flashes him a toothy smile. “Couple days from now. I can hold back longer if you need.”

“Nah, that sounds good. Was getting too stuffy here, anyhow.” He'd have to sharpen his claws. Maybe do some stretches; wasn't too fond of throwing his back out again. 

But yeah, it was time to get out of Grothmar.

------------

She'd been kicked in the head. If she wasn't charr, she wouldn't be here anymore. 

As it stood, charr had very hard skulls. Had to. Headbutting was practically a sport among them. But a kick from a yak was still a different story. Cyna looked like she'd been in something a little worse than just a fistfight. The red drained down her face and into her ashy fur, speckling the snow beneath. By the time Rytlock helped her shamble to their makeshift camp, the bleeding had only just started to wane.

“Taste copper…” she croons as she looks around aimlessly, like she didn't realize her nostrils were faucets for the blood. Rytlock takes her snout in a hand and looks her in the eyes. She just laughs and pats his arm. “Rytlock. Your fur.”

“Shut up.” A growl drones from his throat as he shoves her back — not harshly, but enough that she almost tips on her already unsteady feet. She has a concussion. He didn't really even need to look to figure that out. “You idiot. I told you to leave that one.”

Her lips slide back to reveal more red as she gives a wide grin. “Wuz the biggest meat.”

The adrenaline and bleariness would wear off soon and she'd be a real hydra to deal with, so he'd just take her ramblings for now and give her the lecture later. As if it would do much. She had an elaborate history of instances like this before they'd even met — back when Rytlock was given more than a few reports regarding a certain soldier under his command that had a penchant for ignoring orders and almost always suffering some sort of bloody consequence for it, in the most literal sense. 

He thought it was a good riddance when she and the rest of her warband fled from Blood to Ash. Until Duke Barradin.

Cyna absently hums an old marching melody as her tail thrashes to the rhythm in the snow. Rytlock finds himself humming along as he grabs his pack and pulls out Sohothin, poking it into the embers of their nearly-spent campfire. 

“No weapons, no nothing — just fangs and claws,” Cyna had insisted before their outing. That was just for the hunt. But Rytlock would sooner shave his fur than go this far into the Shiverpeaks without some kind of weapon. Not for the dolyaks, but anything else that lurked around the corner. Icebrood still haunted the territory, even if their puppetmaster was now nothing more than spikes of ice spraying across Anvil Rock. 

Soon, the campfire crackled anew but still hungered for fuel. He sheathes Sohothin at his belt and sits back, looking over toward Cyna again, who had the wit about her to shovel some snow up to her snout — the chill evidently numbing some of whatever pain must be becoming more apparent. Her bloodshot eyes screw shut with the pressure of her hand and a quiet hiss weaves through her teeth. He lets a chuckle escape him. Just the small one that he won't feel too bad for, because he knows that this entire trip won't amount to much of a lesson anyway after they head back — at least until Dokks catches sight of the new crook in their commander's nose.

Rytlock sighs and pulls his pack to his feet. “Y’hungry?” he asks. She doesn't give any indication that she heard him as he rifles through his cargo and pulls out some jerky. His stomach growls, but only because his mind wanders back to the dolyak and whatever fresh meat they could've been roasting over the fire right now instead of the plain and dried strips he's chewing. 

Maybe he'd try fishing instead. 

He could count on one hand the amount of times he'd gone fishing in his life and actually caught anything. But it couldn't go any worse than this.

After adequately nursing her nose, Cyna soon turns to him. “Do you have any—”

“No.”

“The hell was I going to say?” she growls, though the noise sounds less intimidating through her injury. He continues chewing and doesn’t look at her gnarly features. Hopefully the snow will keep the swelling down enough for them to actually do something about it soon.

“I’m not giving you any damn booze.”

“So you did bring some.”

Rytlock gives her a plain look. “You gonna fight me for it?”

She huffs and whips her head away from him like a cub. The quick action must’ve smarted because she hisses again and her hand comes up to her temple. He actually would give her some alcohol to pacify the pain, but he wasn’t about to let her pair that with a concussion of all things. The snow would have to do for now. He takes another bite of jerky and tosses a piece to Cyna, who just gives a grunt of thanks in lieu of anything else.

It didn’t feel like it did when he was younger, when it was only ever for the rush. When your claws dig into the dirt and you put all your weight behind that leap. Your teeth sink in for the death strike and blood rushes to meet your tongue. He didn’t get as far as that last step but it didn’t really matter to him anyway — because maybe that’s what living at the helm of apocalyptic scenarios innumerable will do to you. It all tastes like ash.

Or maybe the remaining embers were all but spent at Anvil Rock.

With a groan Rytlock gets to his feet, feeling his age. He thinks he’d be content to laze here in front of the flickering flame for another hour listening to Cyna mope and complain, but the fire needs fuel. 

[queen-rainy-love]

*cracks knuckles* Okay, @nightmyst14-blog . I see how it is. Get ready for pain. I was planning a bittersweet short story with Papa Shadow Milk meeting newborn Pure Vanilla. But then you did what you did... So we all must suffer. (Also, I missed the Shadow Milk plushie again!)

Warning: This short story will contain death and a slight mental breakdown.

*The scene is set years after the four kingdoms were founded. The Beasts were sealed away by the Silver Tree. Shadow Milk floated around the void prison annoyed. After being imprisoned, he found many ways to keep a watch on the world: possession, spirit walking, talking through a board, etc., etc. But today...he was looking through his least favorite way: a mirror.*

Shadow Milk: Ugh! So bored! What's going on today? *taps on a mirror, revealing a bedroom filled with flowers from floor to ceiling.* Huh? What is this? It looks like that silly kingdom Nilly made. But why? Nothing new is going on. *tries to look around* Who's room is this anyway?

*A door opens up and Pure Vanilla and White Lily walk in, each with a worried expression. Shadow Milk leaned closer to the mirror portal.*

Shadow Milk: Hmm. Must be Nilly and his main star's room. Too bad they can't hear me from the mirror. It would have been a fun conversation to have.

Pure Vanilla: Mama, how are you feeling today?

Shadow Milk: *eyes widen* French Vanilla? This is her room? Where is she?

French Vanilla: *weakly* I will...not lie. I'm not...feeling well. *Breathes slowly* I don't...think...

White Lily: Please, Lady French Vanilla Cookie. Don't push yourself. *gently tucks her in.* The others are coming up here with the herbs. It won't take long.

Shadow Milk: What is going on?! Where is she?! *starts tapping on smaller mirrors to change angles* Where is French Vanilla?!

*As he tries to figure it out, he can barely hear Pure Vanilla and French Vanilla talking. He only heard bits and pieces of their conversation: French Vanilla's health and the new kingdom. But he didn't care about that! He needed to see his lover!*

Shadow Milk: No! No! No! Where is she?! *touches a mirror to reveal an angle where he could see the bed.* Finally! Now I can...can... *Eyes widen*

*Sitting right on the bed was an older version of his beloved. French Vanilla's hair was grayer than the last time he saw her and her eyes didn't have the spark anymore...but it is her. His true love.*

Shadow Milk: French Vanilla...French Vanilla! *starts to pound on the mirror* My love! I'm here! Please look at me!

Pure Vanilla: Mama, please. You need to rest. As soon as Cream, Sugar, and Custard come in with those Energy Potions, you'll be fine.

French Vanilla: Nilla, Lily, please. We all...know that it won't be long...until my expiration.

Shadow Milk: Expir-No. No! No no no no no no! French Vanilla!!! *Starts pounding on the mirror* My love!

Pure Vanilla: Mama...

French Vanilla: I am happy to...see you and your siblings being safe and happy...But it saddens me...that I will not...see our family grow...*coughs violently*

Pure Vanilla: Mama! *rushes to her*

Shadow Milk: My love!! No! *Bangs harder*

White Lily: *looks toward the door* Guards! Get the others here! Now!

Guards: *outside the door* Yes Lady White Lily Cookie!

*Footsteps could be heard but Shadow Milk didn't care. He wanted to be by her side! He had to be by her side! Shadow Milk kept pounding on the mirror to the point his hands were on the verge of crumbling.*

French Vanilla: *regains her breath* I...regret what happened to...your father...

Pure Vanilla: *confused* What? What about father?

French Vanilla: Your father...was once a...wonderful Cookie. I...wish that I...was able to...keep him from...straying...from the light. *takes in a strained breath* I...I...

Pure Vanilla: Don't speak. You'll waste your remaining life powder. Once you get the Energy Potion-

French Vanilla: *shakes her head weakly* No. It'll be...my time soon.

Shadow Milk: No! My love! French Vanilla! *tears start to form* Please! Look at me!

White Lily: Please, Lady French Vanilla Cookie. *gently places her hand on top of French Vanilla's hand* We need the Mother of the Vanilla Kingdom.

French Vanilla: *weakly smile* And you will. *Removes her hand from underneath White Lily's and weakly moves it to her stomach.* A mother...knows...

*Before anyone could say anything, French Vanilla starts coughing violently again. White Lily and Pure Vanilla start healing her with spells. However, Shadow Milk knew it was fruitless. If it was that easy, she would have been healed already. He could feel his prison start to shrink. He was going to lose her... permanently this time.*

Shadow Milk: French Vanilla!!!!

*As if she could hear him, French Vanilla looked over at the vase sitting right next to her bed. She stared right at it and slowly reaches it. Shadow Milk knew why. He placed his hand where hers was and could feel the tears falling. He should be there. Right next to her! He should be there!*

Pure Vanilla: Mama!

*Shadow Milk looked up to see the life powder leaving French Vanilla's eyes. He starts to panic.*

Shadow Milk: No! My love!

Pure Vanilla: Mama!

Shadow Milk: Don't go! Don't go! My love!

White Lily: Where are they?!

Shadow Milk: FRENCH VANILLA!!!!

*Shadow Milk felt his heart break as her eyes became dull and her body became stale. Everything went silent. He didn't hear his son crying or his other children finally entering the room or that little fairy Cookie comforting his heir. But none of that matters. Everything...just...feels...*

Shadow Milk: *tears falling down* No. French Vanilla...why didn't you take my offer? You...you could have lived forever...You could have been like me...I could have made you immortal like me! If only First Cream and those stupid witches hadn't turned you against me! ... *a smile slowly forms as the tears still fall* Heh...hehheheheheheh....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT'S RIGHT!! IT WAS THEIR FAULT!! THEY DID ALL TO US!! TO OUR FAMILY!!! Well then...I'll wrap their "perfect" world in deceit and make the world my stage. Don't worry my love! ...We'll have our perfect family again. Even if I have to break a few puppets to do it.

[bianczsx]

It happened 'once, and it was triggered the second time. — I reached my limit.

The amount of anxiety i received in just two weeks. the feeling of anxiousness everytime i have to do something. the next day after i cried my sht out i was so scared to go to work, i don't wanna see people. i was so scared of people. I talked to people with my hands shaking. i feel sorry that my eyes looks that way, everything just hurts that time. yung takot ko ngayon everytime i have to go out sa office. — Grabeee, i'm experiencing those shts again, and ayoko dumating sa point na words have to ruined me again. I have to make my heart and my mind strong.

Mahirap siya guys. hindi siya joke. hindi siya ka-OAhan lang. Masayahin akong tao pero naiiyak ako pag feeling ko natatapakan yung worth ko as a person. Mahirap siya that i have to earn my confidence again. you know the amount of years, and the strength it took me to allow myself to work with this huge amount of people. My papa is so aware of my mental state the time I allow myself to deal work with construction. He was so aware of my mental health that he don't even want me to work in construct field. pero syempre, matigas ulo ko i still wanna explore things. kasi hello, kahit vonak vonak ako, i still wanna see the light sa field na natapos ko... slowly. going back, he even told me "pag di na kaya, umuwi kana lang kasi okay lang sa amin." kaya i really hate when someone raise their sht on me, kasi my papa himself didn't do that sa akin.

It's hard to make yourself strong, if you've been through a lot of defeats in life. tipong you have this line in your heart na "bumagsak na nga ako sa boards, parang nawawalan pa ako ng morale na tumuloy sa field na natapos ko" yknow, it's hard. mahirap siya i-take na you have to cope up with it strong agad agad. bc there was a wound in your heart that questioned your worth and capability. mahirap magpakita ng confidence sa harap ng tao. tipong you know in your heart that you have more, pero you choose to keep it nalang.

I realized, minsan it's more kind of tiring to deal with people than dealing with the work itself. idk, if it is just me, or maybe it was just the "introvert" side of me na everytime i feel like it's no longer serves me, or if i feel like i'm gonna waste my energy lang then it's a nah. Wala lang, the moment that there's a lot of words that mocks me where all i did that time was to be kind, understand & to show up. Like wala lang. I know where and whom to fit mysef this time.

I know if you're pure and if you're just a sht. kaya, i'm being careful of people. i'm trying my best to choose people whom i allow myself to be with me with my "yay" and "nyay".

let's do it gently even just this time; the past two weeks almost killed the soul out of me. i hope life would allow me to breathe even just for awhile. 🍃

that night, where i no longer wanna go to work the next day bc i was so tired mentally, pero syempre i still show up the next day kahit i was so scared to exist already. but there are still people who still sees my worth. there's still a room of peace sa work. so, i owe them so much i swear.

I don't wanna let myself get dwell on this from the bottom of my heart. as much as i don't wanna listen to people's words there will always be a part of me that hurts, and don't wanna talk to people anymore. but I swear, I will never look at those people the same anymore. If you lose my respect, you gonna lose it 'till the end.

In general, I just wanna tell everyone — please don't be the reason why someone is scared to show up in life already. the world has been so cruel; some people needs light and peace. I hope we're able to gently give light and love to people bc some of them needs it.

xx, bia

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

I honestly feel lost. My long distance bf dumped me after almost a year over text because "he couldn't figure out what to do or say" anymore to fix us, never tried to work with me to fix us. He did it over text, never looked at my message, nothing. Just cut off contact after saying he needed a break for two weeks after being with me in person for two weeks. I'm writing my Master's thesis, my supervisor has been no support. My friends aren't either. They ask me for help, I help, they ignore my requests. One of thrm called me yesterday crying because she has to submit today and was freaking out over a non existent problem in her essay. I tried to calm her and explain how it's not a problem. She asked me to go to her place, I did. A strike is happening here right now, took me one hour and 10 minutes. She said she'll keep me for a long time, I said no, I'm leaving at 8pm. Then she asked if she could come to my place the next day (today). I said sure. Then suddenly she switches up and says no, she'll just sray over. I said no, not happening. I repeated this multiple times and she kept coming with "but see how happy this makes me? I stopped crying? Do you want to take this from me?" for 20 minutes. I gave in. I felt bad. On the way to my place she kept saying "I know you hate having pekple over but you have to take this because I need to submit and your presence helps". We get to my place, I prepare all, we go to sleep. In the morning, she wakes up and says she wants to work (I prefer the couch so I'm sleeping in tbe living room). It's 6:30 at this point. She asks whether I can just go to bed (where she slept, I'm not sleeping there until sheets are changed and washed). I say no I'll just get up. She asks me to make her breakfast so she doesn't waste time. I simply put them in the toaster and tell her to do the rest. And then from yesterday until today, it's constantly reassuring her that she's doing something right or wrong, constantly hearing what she has to say about her work that I know absolutely nothing about. If I ask something or express concern for my stuff? Nah. Who cares. I feel used. By my ex (he didn't like that I was firm after he had an idealized image of me in his head kf me doing whatever he wants) and by my friends. It's a constant cycle. If I set firm boundaries, I'm a bad person and mean and it doesn't matter how good of a carpet I was before. If I set boundaries, people leave all the damn time, whether I do it at the beginning of a friendship or not. My one best friend is doing so badly physically that she can't even text me back to tell me she's cancelling plans. I have nothing, no one. My therapist keeps saying how she doesn't know how to help me if I don't have resources or a stable environment I can lean on. I feel hopeless. My thesis is due in 2 weeks (after an extension) and I have done absolutely nothing. I can't be bothered. There's no point to it.

The thing is, while you are absolutely right that if you try to establish boundaries, toxic people will be upset about it and punish you, this doesn't actually mean that it's beneficial to neglect your own needs and boundaries in order to keep toxic people around.

Because the more time you spend trying to satisfy and placate toxic people at the expense of your own needs, boundaries and mental health, the less time, space and energy you'll have to meet and invest in people who would actually return your efforts. Making the "everyone just takes and takes and never offers me anything in return" experience a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Distancing yourself from toxic people before you've made any real supportive relationships is really scary, but it is a necessary part of actually making healthy connections. Because you won't make any real friends through giving your all to maintaining toxic relationships which don't offer you anything worthwhile in return.

[sh3nne]

In My Arms Tonight. Ft Childe

It's been a long day, so naturally, all you want is to get home and cuddle with your husband.

NOTE: reader is male and taller than childe, pure fluff, non-sexual nudity, childe worships the ground reader walks on.

☆

Wow.

Maybe it's time to look for another job.

Don't get it wrong, you love your job, and seeing Qiqi is always an added bonus, but sometimes your job at Bubu Pharmacy gets a bit taxing. Mentally and physically.

You sigh for what feels like the umpteenth time and pull your keys out of your pocket. You wonder what Childe made for dinner, maybe soup, if you're lucky.

Opening the door with a click, you step inside and are met with the smell of spices and chicken. You smile to yourself, and toe off your shoes. Childe, having heard you come home, came to greet you, wiping his hands on a dishcloth before tossing it somewhere to free his hands to hug you.

You stumble back from the impact, but hug Ajax back, nuzzling your head into his shoulder. The scent of salt water and oranges entering your nose. "Hello love." You mutter quietly.

Childe pulls back and presses a kiss onto your cheek, noticing your posture, which was slumped from exhaustion, he takes your hands and drags you to the couch.

Seating you down, he kisses your forehead. "Rough day?" He asks. You nod, too tired to say anything. Childe hums, and kisses you softly. You close your eyes at the warmth bubbling in your chest, sighing in contentment.

Pulling away, Childe silently helps you unbutton your overcoat and unties your hair. "I'll be back," He gets up with your overcoat and hair tie, "I'll get you some soup." He says before flashing you a grin and disappearing into the bedroom, most probably to put the clothes in for a wash.

You rest your head on the cushions, closing your eyes. You're thankful for Childe, thankful that he takes care of you when you don't have the energy to. You were sure that if he wasn't home, you'd just plop down on your bed and sleep, work clothes and all. Not that it hasn't happened before.

Hearing the clink of a bowl being set down on the table, you crack open your eyes to see Childe holding a spoon full of soup to your face. "Ajax, I can feed myself." Your face warms at the gesture, Childe shrugs and replies, "I know you can, I'm still feeding you." He says, nudging the spoon closer to your mouth.

Smiling at your partners persistence, you open your mouth and accept the spoon of soup. Flavour and warmth envelopes your mouth, and you chew slowly, the heat slowly relaxing your muscles.

Childe feeds you a few more spoons before you shake your head, saying you don't want anymore. "That's alright," He sets the spoon in the bowl, "I've got the rest." Childe takes your hands again, and pulls you up from your place on the couch. Your body protests in exhaustion, and you groan, pushing all your body weight on Ajax.

Being used to this, Childe simply adjusts your weight and brings you to the bathroom, tugging off his shirt and pants, he's left in his boxers. Unbuttoning your shirt, he slips it off your shoulders and onto the floor. Before he can help with your pants, you grab his hands and pull him in for a kiss.

You're so, so thankful to have someone like Ajax. Sure, you don't know how to tell him that, but you can show it to him. Pulling away for oxygen, you both waste no time in going for another. This wasn't those passionate, heat-filled kisses you shared in bed. This was soft, filled with care and patience.

You pull away, leaning into Childes hand on your cheek, his skin cold compared to the rising heat in your face. "You look like a tomato." He chuckles, you smile back, and nod further into his hand.

Helping you off with the rest of your clothes, Childe helps you step into the hot bath he'd prepared before, making sure you keep your balance.

Sitting inside, you sigh in bliss. The warm water getting to your muscles and cramps, you feel Childe nudge himself behind you, and you pull yourself ahead to give him space. Resting against his chest, you close your eyes, the sound of Ajax's heartbeat lulling you to sleep.

Grabbing a bottle of shampoo and the shower head, Childe wets your hair, making sure not to get any on your face. Squeezing shampoo onto his hand, he rubs it together in his palms before beginning to wash your hair.

You let out a hum when he scratches a particular spot. And Childe instructs you to keep your eyes closed as he washes off the soap in your hair. Turning you around so you face him, he takes care of your body next, making sure every inch is covered with soap and washed before pulling you out of the oversized tub.

Wrapping you in a towel and seating you onto the bed, he opens your shared cupboard and looks through for your matching pair of pyjamas.

You watch him with appreciation, and wonder how you got so lucky to end up with this Fatui Boy. Pulling out two pairs of heart-printed pyjamas, one blue and the other pink, along with two pairs of boxers, Childe helps you get ready for bed.

Lying on the bed next to you, you pull Ajax close, nuzzling your head into his chest. "Ajax?" He hums, "Thank you for pampering me." You feel his heartbeat quicken, and his arms tighten around you. "You always take care of me," He says, stroking your spine. "Whether it's after a mission or if I'm hurt, it's my turn to care for you."

He pulls you closer, one of his hands climbing up your neck to massage your head. "Love you, Ajax." He presses a kiss to your forehead. "Love you too, [Name]."

[cookinguptales]

ooooh love that 4 am chronic illness venting

sometimes I think the worst part about having a chronic illness is accepting that, in many ways, it will never be as good as it is now. I can be in awful pain, I can be exhausted, I can be barely functional at work and I still know things are only going to get worse. like. god. if I'm this bad at 34 how the fuck am I going to be when I'm 50?

I couldn't even get through one film festival. my hormones have been acting up since I got back to Philly, probably brought on by all the travel and stress about work, and I spent a solid two weeks with my ribs and hips dislocating and the first three days at the festival were just me being in so much pain that I would go to the restroom and cry between movies.

that's what having a good time apparently looks like these days!

and then my ribs start calming down just in time for a heat wave. 85 degrees. god knows I can't go out in that anymore, because this body can't do fucking anything right. okay, fine, whatever. then my period finally comes a week early, seems about par for the course with whatever the fuck is going on this month, and the endometriosis is so bad that I could barely get out of bed yesterday, much less make it to center city.

so in the end, I have so far made it to 4 of the 10 days of the festival, and I don't have much hope about the last two. I have to come to terms with the fact, now, that maybe I can't even handle film festivals anymore. I can't handle going into the city and sitting in a dark room for a week now???

I feel like I've wasted all this money on something I was really excited about, because I used to really love going to the film festival. but have we devolved to the point where I can't even do this anymore?

like I know that this month is irregular, for several reasons, but I can never depend on a month to be regular anymore! I can't plan a trip three months in advance because I don't even know how I'm going to be three days in advance anymore! do I just give up on making plans in the future? do I give up on looking forward to fucking anything anymore?

and I know that the mood swings are part and parcel of having pmdd (I had ~three~ panic attacks yesterday) but also like. god. at a certain point how can you handle balancing work and trying to have fun while your rib is literally sticking out of your fucking back. you can feel it! when you touch! my back!

and at what point does a mental breakdown become inevitable, dealing with that kind of pain? when you're also dealing with about five different work deadlines and you still want to make art but you have no time for it and when you finally have time, nothing you write is any good.

all that and I'm supposed to have fun, too? I feel like every time I carve out the least little bit of fun for myself this october, the month I am supposed to enjoy the most, I spend the next three days paying for it.

I feel like I just. I'm at the point now where I physically cannot leave the house ten days in a row anymore. I can barely handle three days in a row. I'm not even doing anything. I'm just sitting there, but apparently the act of taking a bus to a building and sitting in that building is too much for me now.

I know I've been kind of irritating to be around for the past few weeks, but I am just exhausted. and today I'm finally clearing the joint pain, I'm finally clearing the nausea and inability to eat (which of course makes me sicker), and I'm just. I'm so fucking tired. I can't even enjoy not being in (as much) pain for a few days.

and of course trying to scrape all this together, I haven't been able to clean the house, so it looks like shit and I feel like shit about that, too.

I don't know. some days when you have an incurable illness that you know is just going to get worse over time it's just. I don't know. it's hard to have any hope at all. I feel like I'm going to die alone in a filthy house because I don't have the energy to be a real person anymore.

like I go visit my parents and I'm always so glad to get home because I love them but I also need my space but there's always that realization that like. oh right, living alone is really fucking hard. some days I can barely even feed myself. I feel so useless.

I know that withdrawing from my friends is probably the opposite of what I should be doing right now, but it's also. I don't know, sometimes I feel almost ashamed to let them see me when I can't even pretend that I have my life together. like usually I can at least pretend that my body isn't weighing me down too much. letting people see me when it's very, very clear that I am hanging on by a thread feels far too vulnerable.

I guess some piece of me feels like if I let people see the awful underbelly of what it's like to actually be disabled, they'll be disgusted with me. like. sometimes disability is just we have to walk a little more slowly at the museum or I can only eat certain foods when we go out or I get way too chatty because I'm exhausted and I lose my filter when I'm exhausted. but sometimes disability is not showering for a week and a living room that's covered in garbage and unpacked suitcases and sitting in your bed and crying for hours. like. there's nothing glamorous about it.

I feel like I have to work so hard and pretend so much to even reach "tolerable" to other people but I'm not even tolerable to myself right now. even on my best days, when I can go out and hang out with people and pretend that I'm okay, I know that I will be going home to a messy house that I will never invite people to because it's embarrassing to admit that I live like that, not because I want to, but because I have to.

but I can't even do that anymore, I can't even go out for a few hours and pretend that I'm normal and well-adjusted and not at all a burden to my friends and my family and my community.

I don't know. I don't know. I'll be okay. I always end up okay. but I feel like having a chronic illness means mourning a thousand different opportunities you had to give up because you were home puking or whatever, and right now I'm mourning a film festival.

or at least the me that could go to film festivals.

[forsoobado137]

HIATUS

Hey guys I'm going to take a break. I'm really sorry but I'm just too physically and mentally drained to get out of bed anymore. I'm not in a good headspace, and drawing and writing has become a big challenge.

It makes me really sad, especially the drawing part. I'm worried about having rhumatoid arthritis since my mother had it. I feel like i'm wasting time by not drawing before it's too late, but I honestly don't have the energy/motivation to do anything I love anymore.

I hope that I'll feel better soon and return to making posts, but I might just stick to reblogging or something.

[breelandwalker]

Going to preface this by saying that this is something that has helped ME, MYSELF, AS A SINGULAR PERSON, and is not meant to be a blanket recommendation or a broader truth or any kind of medical advice. I am also not looking for advice of any kind.

I have a hard time finding the mental and physical spoons to exercise. I have a day job that requires me to be sedentary, a side hustle that requires a lot of mental energy, and way too much housework and home repair stuff to deal with. All this plus ADHD. Between the battle with executive dysfunction and the energy needed to get through all my Have-To's, adding one more thing to my weekly routine or making time to go to the gym is just not an option.

But at the same time, I've got 40,000 miles on this chassis and a history of health problems in the family, so I need to be taking care of myself.

So what I've started doing is adding little bodyweight exercises to my day while I'm at work. If I'm sitting, it's arm circles or leg raises a few times an hour. If I get up for something, it's squats or wall presses. If it's lunchtime, it's a lap around the building. All stuff that gets me moving, engages muscles that aren't getting used enough, and can be done quickly more or less anywhere.

I've managed to turn this into a habit using an app, alongside reducing the sodium in my diet and eating more fruit, and I'm starting to feel less tired and more limber. I still have trouble with fatigue sometimes, but this routine change does seem to be sticking, which is a big win for me. Plus I don't have to waste money on gym fees and then feel bad when I'm too tired to actually go and use the equipment.

It's no picnic hitting your forties and realizing you have to start paying serious attention to all your bits and bobs because the warranty is DEFINITELY expired by now and you can't just ignore your blood pressure anymore, especially because three bouts of COVID have done a number on your heart and lungs. While I'm not going to turn into a fitness model or pick up jogging anytime soon, it sure was nice to go to a LARP event and not feel winded after combat.

Turning 40 ain't easy. But it damn sure beats the alternative.