#I'm literally always fucking tired and mentally drained

[vitiateoriginator]

I've been going thru a major creative block recently and I'm really depressed over it

[st-el-la-luna]

It's Not Enough: Captain John Price x Reader

(sorry for vanishing I am mentally unwell)

An injury leaves the Task Force's Captain unable to do all that he usually does. You're more than happy to help.

NSFW 18+

➔ gn!reader ("you"/"your" pronouns, described as "pretty" once), Price is readers boss, pillow fucking, desperate almost subby Price

unedited, written on mobile in Spanish class

part two

It wasn't fair to say that the mission went south. It's not like the Task Force failed it or anything. You guys secured the intel you needed and cleared the base no problem.

Except there was a problem. Your intel on the enemy operation had been spotty and it turns out the enemy was more prepared than you all had been lead to thought.

Sitting silently in the back of the truck you all quietly lick your wounds. Soap had been stabbed, "'tis just a scratch," he had announced before taking out three men with an improved explosive. (Ghost hit him for that one) (the Shakespeare reference. Not the bomb). Gaz and Ghost both were shot, the former in the knee and the latter, grazed on the neck by a bullet that very well could have killed him. You got a little too close to a grenade and now your ears are ringing and you're covered cuts and scrapes from the shrapnel, bits of metal still embedded in your skin.

Price got it the worst though. One of the enemy soldiers managed to sneak up on him. This hulking, unit of a man who made Ghost, Ghost, look like a gangly teen.

You always wondered how Ghost, being as big as he is, could move so quietly so quickly. This enemy soldier made you think that maybe you were just loud and slow.

Not a single person realized that the soldier was there until it was too late. He tackled Price, knocking the gun from his hands then threw him, literally threw him, like a doll, over the catwalk ledge.

Price was lucky though, in a sense, because he crashed to the ground close enough to you and Gaz that you could provide him cover.

He was unlucky, or maybe just stupid, because he tried to catch his fall. His fall from three stories up.

With his hands.

Never have you heard bones snap so loud.

You glance across the truck at him. He's breathing slowly and deliberately, self-soothing. His hands resting on his thighs, fingers twitching occasionally, but otherwise motionless.

"Hey, look on the bright side, Captain," you say with a crooked grin, blinking away the blood dripping from a gash above your eye. "At least you won't have to do any paperwork for a while."

"Won't be able to jack off either," Soap adds with a crow of laughter. "Poor lil John's gonnae be black and blue... Won't even be able to feel the pain in yer hands over the straining of your–"

"That'll do!" Ghost snaps, ever the one to keep Soap in line.

It's quiet for the rest of the way back to base. It's quiet as you all head to medical for treatment. You're all drained, happy with a job well done, but exhausted from, well, everything.

Tired and sore, you decide to forgo dinner in order to catch some extra sleep. You're walking through the halls when you pass by Price's office.

The door is cracked open, which is unusual, and a rhythmic sound tumbles out into the hallway. A blend between panting and grunting.

He groans out a frustrated, "Fucking... Ah... Fucking hell!"

"Captain?" You ask hesitantly, knocking on the door. You hear shuffling inside, the rustling of cloth, soft jingle of metal. "I, uh... Everything okay?"

"Everything's fine," he grits out, breathless and frustrated. "I'm just..." More rustling. "Fuck!"

"Can I come in?" You ask, already opening the door.

He doesn't say no. In fact, he doesn't say anything. Until you've got the door open and are left staring at the scene before you.

"I didn't want anyone seeing me like this..." He grumbles.

He's standing behind his desk, both hands and forearms in casts. He's struggling with a zip up hoodie, tangled in the fabric as he tries to put it on.

You fight back the urge to laugh and succeed. You fight back the urge to smile and fail. "Want some help with that, Captain?"

"Please."

This continues for the duration of his injury, him coming to you for help with tasks he can't do himself. For as long as he's in those casts, you're at his beck and call.

It's not uncommon for you to be called away from some mundane task to help the Captain with something equally mundane. But hey, at least you get to spend time with your Captain.

Your handsome, rugged, often flushed as of late, Captain.

You're captain whose casts you've wrapped before he can shower. Whose shirts you've helped put on. Whose hair you've brushed. Beard you've combed. Whose-

You keep having to tell yourself that this doesn't mean anything. The only reason he comes to you and no one else is because, well, he doesn't want anyone else seeing him like this.

So what if he blushes when you help secure his belt around his hips? Or when your fingers graze his neck as you button his collar. So what if once or twice while youve helped him dress your hand has brushed his cock (and oh, it's big), and it's jumped to attention. It's a natural reaction, really. Price never even mentions it. He's probably embarrassed. Ashamed. Nothing more to it.

But what if...?

No. You tell yourself sternly. Bad. That's your boss.

But...

He has been calling on you more. Has been standing closer. Leaning in when you speak. Burying his nose into your hair before you leave his room and inhaling through his nose, then shutting the door on you, leaving you a little dazed and more than a little confused in the hall.

Still. It doesn't mean anything. You've just never spent this much time with him. Maybe this is normal.

You're in the armory with Soap and Gaz when your phone goes off in your pocket. Price is calling.

"Captain?" You ask, holding the phone between your shoulder and ear as you continue to clean your rifle. "Everything okay?"

"I know I told you I wouldn't need anything until later, but I... I need your help," he says, his voice gruff and rumbling. "Now."

Soap mimes a blow job and Gaz snickers, shouldering him playfully.

"Could have called anyone, Captain," Soap calls out loud enough for Price to hear through the phone. "What is it you need help with that only our pretty little Corporal can do? Hmm?"

"Shut up, Soap," Price grumbles.

"Captain says to shut up, Johnny," you relay to Soap. He laughs.

"I need your help," Price repeats, his breath stuttering slightly.

"Alright," you say, setting the rifle down. "What with?"

"I'm..." his words are cut off by a groan and the sound of shuffling, followed by something clattering to the floor. "Fuck... I'm trying to..." He pauses, breathing heavy. "Tryna trim my beard and I.. Just get over here quick."

"Aye, sir. I'll be in your office soon."

"Not my office. My quarters."

You pause, holding the phone properly now. "I... Your quarters, Captain?"

Soap snickers, and thrusts his hips into the air a couple times. You flip him off.

"Yes," he says. "It's where I keep my products."

"Right, of course," you shake your head. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Good," he says, letting out a breathy sound through his nose. "I can't deal with this any longer..."

"Your beard has gotten scruffy," you muse.

"I... Just... Hurry." He hangs up.

"Getting out of work early again, huh?" Gaz asks with a grin. "Or should I say getting off work early?"

"Not you too," you whine, flipping the pair of them off as you leave the room.

You don't catch what Soap says, his words muffled by his accent and the closing door. Judging by the raucous laughter that breaks out when he's done, you figure that might be for the best.

You get to Price's room and knock, waiting a beat before turning the knob. "Hey, Captain, just a heads up, I've never actually trimmed a beard before but I–"

You stare at the scene before you with wide eyes, blood rushes to your cheeks as your jaw drops.

"Close the door," Price grunts, staring up at you from his place on the bed. On his knees, forearms braced against the mattress, his face red, jaw slack as he lets out rhythmic pants and groans.

You don't dwell on it. Instead, your attention is drawn to the clumsy, desperate movement of his hips as he ruts desperately against his pillow. His pillow which is covered in... Is that one of your workout shirts?

"I... Captain?!" You squeak in surprise, taking a slight step back.

"Soap was right," he grumbles, humping and grinding and moaning into the pillow. Into your shirt. Your shirt. This is happening. This is real. Price inhales deeply through his nose, his tongue lolling out. "Haven't... Haven't been able to... It's... I... It hurts, i... I thought this would... it worked before but i... It's not... not enough, I.. Help... Please."

Slowly, hesitantly, you shut and lock the door behind you. "Oh, so you've done this before?" You quirk a brow as you approach his bed. "Fucked into your pillow like a desperate whore thinking it was me?"

He whines, actually whines, and his hips falter for a second before speeding up. With each forward stroke of his hips you can catch a glimpse of his cock. Thick and red and painfully hard, dripping so much precum it looks like he's already cum before you got here. "Don't... Don't tease me, Corporal... Don't forget who's in charge here."

"Seems to me, Captain, that I'm the one in charge here," you hum, slowly kneeling on the bed. He looks up at you through his sweaty fringe, his breaths hot and wet when they fan against your skin. "I mean, you're the one who needs help, after all... You're the one whose job could be on the line... I doubt the higher ups would be thrilled to find you like this, all backed up and desperate for one of your soldiers?"

His eyelids flutter, he bites his lips muffling a growl that crescendos into a moan when you cradle his face. "Stop, I... I just... It hurts..."

"I'm sure it does," you hum sympathetically, running a hand through his hair. "Been too long, hasn't it?"

He keens and leans into your touch, drool dribbles from his lips. "I... Weeks, may, ah, maybe a month... Or longer... I-I need it... Please."

"Well, that just won't do," you tut, shaking your head in mock sympathy. You tighten your grip on his hair and he bows, arching his back like it's his job. "Just look at you, Captain..."

He whines and you shush him gently, hand sliding from his hair to cup his jaw and chin, forcing him to look up at you. "Don't worry, Captain... I plan to do a lot more than just stare..."

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Masterlist

[kaonarvna]

Going through so much right now. Barely have the capacity to do much of anything aside from work and take care of myself and my spouse.

Autistic burnout is truly a cruel mistress. As is having undiagnosed ADHD, knowing what your unmet needs are, and not having the means to access the support you require.

Big vent below. Workplace ableism. ADHD/AuDHD vent.

My spouse is quitting his job again. It happens every year. We've only just now realised "oh my god, it's the autism. It was always the autism" for why he keeps hopping.

He's leaving the current job because they're failing to give him what seems like the most basic accommodations (written instructions, scheduled meetings/literally any notice instead of impromptu "informal chats" in hallways with no record, basic empathy).

He's being told off for "speaking too loudly" and "speaking too enthusiastically" even though all he's talking about with his colleagues is work. They took away his office to turn it into a meeting room, forced him into the communal office space, and have now told him to stop talking to himself or his colleagues.

It's heartbreaking. It's been slowly creeping in for months and it's taken too long for us to realise "oh my god, you need a diagnosis, this is just fucking discrimination, you need formal accommodations and support".

So he's off on the sick now because his stress has become so severe that he just can't function. Before he got the sick note he'd come home and crash every day, and dreaded going to work. He role-played being a warhammer 40k servitor (lobotomised and obedient worker drone, basically) to help him get through the day of staying quiet and doing nothing but work. He'd come home and need so much sensory input and support. And he slept so much, and so poorly. He started to "fail the speech checks" (massively miss social cues and say the wrong thing) with colleagues at work, and came home embarrassed in ways he never was before. He's a very very social animal, and didn't think he had social difficulties, but now he's so worn down that he's realised he does.

He can't mask anymore. He's so tired.

And now that he got that sick note, and plans to leave, he's not dreading waking up each day nearly as much. He's still in the sensory sock every day, and he's still sad and overwhelmed, but he's feeling better.

We've started the process of getting him a diagnosis, but it's going to take months and months and months. We don't really have months. We're going to start applying for new jobs for him, and hopefully get him out of labs. You'd think a chemical laboratory would be the perfect place for an autistic man who loves STEM, but management has always made it unworkable for him. He's always slowly forced out.

And I can barely take care of him, between working full time and having EDS. And I've finally realised I desperately need that ADHD diagnosis, and I need meds. I haven't felt like a person in so long. I haven't felt like myself in years. I feel like this abstract creature inside this horrible prison, and the controls don't work anymore.

Every mental health professional I've seen has asked me, "Have you ever been assessed for ADHD? You've already adopted all the coping mechanisms and lifestyle changes I could recommend. I can't diagnose you, but yknow, think about it."

I've always suspected it. I know I'm autistic. All signs point to ADHD too.

I looked back on every stimulant I've put in my body, and realised that all of them made my brain emptier. They all gave me more control. I was always more able to make choices and act upon them. But I used to associate that with the pain relief (think kratom, nefopam, etc) not the stimulant.

So when I got my pain mostly under control, and I manage it now, I couldn't figure out why I still had so little control over myself.

It's the fucking ADHD.

How much time have I lost to being undiagnosed and unmedicated? How much of my life has slipped down the drain while I paced back and forth, or laid in place "stuck", or ping ponged from incomplete task to incomplete task until I crashed? How much more pleasure could I have experienced if my brain wasn't full of constant noise and thirty different versions of the same thought?

How much have I hurt myself by going "you're fine, you don't need meds" for so many years?

I don't know how long it's going to take to get diagnosed. I've started the process and now we just...wait. But all the evidence points to "yes", and that "meds will probably work and make a massive difference for your quality of life". I might get to be a person someday, or at least a more fulfilled creature.

[cr-noble-writes]

So its already looking like Christmas is going to be a massive bust this year for us. And honestly? I'm fine with that. I am okay with not being able to afford to spend a fuckton of money on presents for the kids, because for the most part, my kids don't actually care about how much things cost. They just think its cool to get stuff they like. And the reality is that we've spent enough of their lives struggling financially, that they understand that sometimes, we just don't have the money. Because while I do my best to make sure they know its never their fault or responsibility, I also don't lie to my kids about important things.

What's really bothering me about all this right now is how upset my mom is about it. (For those of you who don't already know this, I live with my mom for financial reasons, my mental health, and her physical health). And the reason she's so upset about it is because the reason we're struggling financially right now is because my brother, who is in prison, is a fucking hole in her pocket. Over the last year or so, she's literally drained her savings trying to keep this dumbass out of trouble, or get him out of one kind of trouble or another that he's gotten himself into. He asks her for money literally every time he calls. And she's afraid to tell him no because she's afraid that something terrible is going to happen to him if she doesn't give the money to whoever tf.

And I am just... so fed up and angry. Because I don't even know if I believe the bullshit he tells mom to get this money sent to people. And I try not to be frustrated with my mom because I get that she's just trying to protect her kid but like... when does it stop? When do you make him be responsible for his own bullshit? When do you stop breaking yourself financially, physically, and mentally for this? When do you remember that he's not the only fucking one of your kids that needs you?

When do I get to stop being worried that my brother is going to get himself killed in a maximum security prison and also that my mother is going to kill herself trying to keep him safe?

I know I don't typically talk about my personal bullshit on tumblr, but its 5:30 in the morning at the beginning of yet another holiday season that my brother is spending in jail. And my mom spent half of last night crying because she can't afford to buy Christmas presents for her grandkids.

I'm so tired of it. I am so, so tired of cleaning up other people's messes. I am so tired of always having to hold it together. I am so tired of constantly trying to figure out what to do while also knowing there's nothing I can do because I cannot control my brother and I cannot control my mother.

I am so fucking exhausted. I'm just so god damn tired.

Anyway. Sorry for the personal dump. And thanks for listening.

[kleoyeager78]

10 things I hate about you | 11

I sighed getting out of bed.

I had a major headache. I always got them when I was thinking too hard about something. I opened my nightstand to get an Advil and then got up to get ready for school.

Like normal I didn't go all out, I got on a simple outfit and started my walk for school.

It was very windy today for some reason, but I guess I can't be surprised because like everything else in Paradis the weather was unpredictable.

I made it to school, met up with Annie and we made our way to class.

I saw Eren when I walked into class but ignored him and put my head down.

"Cheer up buttercup, you aren't happy to see me?" Eren said as he sat in front of me.

"Eren leave her alone." Armin quickly came to his side to defend me.

I put my head up and was face to face with Eren. Today I didn't feel like crying. I don't know why but I was just tired. Today I felt like I was a zombie just existing to exist with no other purpose and I don't think anyone could change that, not even Eren.

"Come on Armin we're just talking, right y/n?" Eren looked at Armin then back at me but I just put my head back down.

Eren was about to say something about how I was acting today but was soon stopped by Mr. Smith coming in the classroom and that Sasha girl shouting.

"Mr. Smith you forgot to put the partners on the board" Sasha said.

"I'm sorry Sasha. After you guys, I had five classes, so I did forget. But in order to simply assign you partners this morning, I did spend time yesterday writing all of your names on popsicle sticks. Mr. Smith stated with a small smile, but when he saw that the class wasn't interested, his expression returned to normal.

"I'll read them now," he said, mixing up the cup of popsicle sticks he had.

He pulled out two popsicle sticks and began to read the names off of them. "

"Connie and......Sasha" He read, making both Connie and Sasha get a big smile on their faces.

Lucky them, I thought to myself. I knew I wouldn't get a good partner because everyone in this class hated me except for Annie. But the chances of getting her were unlikely since, when has life ever been that good to me?

"Annie and..." Mr. Smith said, reaching for another stick. I crossed my fingers and hoped it'd be my name he called but of course, "Armin"

I mentally sighed when I heard I wasn't getting Annie but what I heard next was much worse. "Y/n and......Eren"

I literally slammed my head on the desk. I didn't even mean to; it was just a reflex but still.

It's been confirmed my life really is a circus and sadly for me I have to be the clown to entertain everyone. I mean come on it's crazy how everyone else gets the people they want, and I get Eren fucking Yeager. The guy who hates my whole existence.

After Mr. Smith said I would be partnered up with Eren I zoned out. I didn't care to hear anything anymore.

I didn't notice how long I had been zoned out until I felt a tap on my arm.

The tap came from Annie's side of my body, so I knew it was her. Eren wouldn't dare put his hands on me near Annie.

"We have to start working with our partners" she informed me and just as she did Eren turned his chair around and began staring at me like a hawk.

Armin also turned his chair around and flashed me and Annie smiles.

I sent him one back and then faced Eren. I thought I was okay working with him but as soon as my eyes met his I just felt drained.

I got up and walked to Mr. Smith's desk which made Eren confused so he watched my every movement.

"Hi Mr. Smith" I said when I approached his desk. He looked up at me and put down his stack of papers.

"Hello y/n, how can I help you?"

"Well, my stomach hurts really bad and I really need to go to the bathroom." I said with a frown while rubbing my stomach.

Mr. Smith reached for the bathroom pass and then handed it to me. "Here you go"

"Thank you, sir," I walked out of the classroom.

In truth I wasn't going to the bathroom, I was going to the library to rest. I was extremely tired and would much rather sleep than see Erens dumb face.

-

Erens Pov

It's been about 20 minutes and y/n still aren't back. It's not like I care but I am trying to pass this class and I can't really do that if I don't have a partner.

"Eren, can you come here for a second?" Mr. Smith asked, making me get out of my seat and walk over to him.

"Yes sir?"

"Y/n has been gone a long time. Can you go check on her? I'm a bit worried." He said scratching the back of his head.

"Uh sure sir. Where is she?"

"She's in the bathroom, Thank you"

I made my way out of the class and to the bathroom where y/n was supposed to be.

Since it was the girl's bathroom I couldn't just go in, so I knocked on the bathroom door but got no answer. "Y/n" I called but still no answer. "Is anyone in there?" I said but didn't get an answer. I decided to just walk in the bathroom to see if she was there, but she wasn't. All the stalls were empty.

I was about to walk out of the bathroom when I bumped into someone.

Historia.

"Eren" she beamed. "You must've gotten my message about meeting me here. I mean it was 20 minutes ago, but you came and that's all that matters." She smiled and hugged me.

I didn't know what the hell she was talking about. If I'm being honest, I've had her blocked for a week now so I definitely wouldn't have gotten her message.

"Ah no actually I'm looking for y/n" I said getting her off me.

"Oh," she said, trying to hide the dirty look that was trying so hard to reach her face. "Why would you do that?" she said with a smile, but I could tell she wasn't being genuine because her voice cracked.

"Mr. Smith asked me to" I said, rocking on my heels. The conversation was awkward.

I saw instant relief on her face when she saw I wasn't looking for y/n on my own freewill. "Do you think we can hang then?" She asked me and began to get a little touchier which let me know by "hang" she meant fuck.

"Oh no I'm actually trying to get back to class, maybe later though."

She sighed and gave me her best puppy dog eyes. "Please Eren, I need you." She whined.

Her begging did nothing but annoy me. I tried to keep my cool, but I could feel myself getting ready to tell her to fuck off. "I'm sorry but I really have to go."

I didn't even give her a chance to beg. I just left.

I didn't know where y/n was. For all I know she could be anywhere so I texted Armin and asked if he could ask Annie or something.

He told me that she was most likely in the library, so I headed there.

Sure, enough when I went into the library the first thing, I saw was a sleeping y/n.

I was going to go up to her and wake her up, but as I got closer, I changed my mind. I'm not sure why, but I didn't want to wake her. She appeared to be sleeping peacefully, and something told me she needed the rest.

On a normal day, this would have only made me want to mess with her even more, but something felt off. I really only messed with her to see if she would break, but today she just didn't feel breakable.

I didn't mean this in a way that suggested she was too happy for me to break through; rather, I meant that it seemed as though she had already been broken.

I decided to just sit and wait for her to get up.

-

Third person Pov

About 10 minutes later you finally decided to get up.

You extended your arms and glanced in front of you when you saw the brunette seated across from you looking at his phone.

You jumped a little startled from his presence.

"What are you doing here?" You spoke quietly because you were in a library and your voice was raspy from just waking up.

He put his phone back in his pocket before looking at you. "Great, you're finally awake." He gave you a smirk and flicked your forehead. "Mr. Smith was worried because you were gone for so long and wanted me to check up on you. He thought you had overdosed in the bathroom or something" Eren stated going back on his phone.

"Oh" was all you said. You started to get up ready to make your way back to class when Eren grabbed your arm.

"Where are you going?" He asked.

You looked at him like he was half stupid and then pulled your arm away. "I don't know Eren we are in a school, and I have class, I think you can put the pieces together"

Eren rolled his eyes. "Damn you're real sassy today" Eren grabbed your arm again but this time he pulled you down towards his face. "If you don't fix that attitude, I may have to fix it for you." He said with a flirtatious smirk on his face. He reached his other hand up to touch your face, but you instantly smacked it away.

You walked out of the library and sat on the ground next to the door.

It was still windy outside, but you didn't mind because you needed the breeze.

You were seriously considering skipping the rest of school, but then you remembered you'd have to deal with your dad when you got home, which you didn't want to do, so skipping wasn't an option.

You crossed your arms on top of your knees and put your head down. "When is this hell going to end?" You mumbled to yourself.

You sat there for a few seconds before you heard the library door open.

You put your head up a little to see who it was and of course it was Eren so you groaned and put your head back down.

"y/n we only have 15 more minutes of the first period so i'm going back to class do what you want." Eren said and then walked away.

You inwardly cursed yourself for sleeping for so long. You didn't even realize you'd slept for that long; you believed you just slept for 20 minutes. You stood up and began walking to class. However, you took a different path than Eren. You didn't want to walk with him and listen to his negative remarks.

Your route was slightly longer than Eren's, and by the time you arrived at class, he was already sitting in his chair.

Surprisingly Mr. Smith didn't seem upset about your disappearance and when you tried to go up to him to explain all he said was, "Eren already told me. I understand these things happen, don't worry about it." with a smile

It made you wonder what Eren had told him but then again, your headache had taken over all your thought process, so you nodded and headed to your seat.

When you started approaching your seat Eren didn't notice you because he was turned around talking to Armin and Annie. While approaching your seat you overheard a bit of their conversation.

"Annie, how could you be friends with someone so selfish like that?" Eren said.

"You're one to talk." Annie said defending you like usual.

"Oh what's that supposed to mean? When i'm partners with someone I dont go running off just to fucking sleep."

"And you give her every reason to do so." Annie said.

Eren didn't say anything, he just remained looking upset.

"I mean, Eren, you can't be that upset. Perhaps if you weren't so cruel to y/n, she wouldn't have run away from you. plus, she appeared to have gone through a lot this morning, so maybe she couldn't deal with you." Armin said, attempting to see everything through.

"Whatever" Eren huffed. "I don't even know why I covered for that bitch."

"Who the hell are you-" Annies sentence was cut short as you finally got to your seat.

Everyone went silent but you just put your head down. This made Eren suck his teeth.

"Was 30 minutes not enough rest for you? What was the point of coming back if you were just going to sleep again" he groaned.

"Eren I wish you would shut up for at least 20 minutes" you said with your head still down and with a sleepy tone.

"Aww how cute. Sadly i'm not a genie so get your ass up." he retorted

You sighed and put your head up, knowing you wouldn't be able to sleep because he insisted on talking. "Yeager, what can I do for you?"

"Oh thank you so much y/n for being so sweet and finally collaborating. I don't know you can start by working on your side of the assignment, ''he said sarcastically.

"And what might that be?" you said genuinely confused. Annie had told you but of course you forgot.

Eren let out another sound showing he was aggravated. "If you would get off your ass and listen-" He took a deep breath to refrain from saying anything that might earn him a kick from Annie. "Ugh we are supposed to write ten things about our partners."

"That's simple, why didn't you just say that." you said confused on why he had trouble saying the simplest thing.

"Yeah, it is simple that's why you could have heard it for yourself. But anyways don't just put ten things on a piece of paper Mr. Smith wants it to be in a creative way. "

"Okay let's get sta-" you were about to start but the bell for next period cut your sentence short.

Eren groaned and sent you a death glare. "You gotta be shitting me." He whispered.

"Don't worry class these aren't do for a while, so you'll have plenty of time to finish" Mr. Smith shouted.

"Great." Eren stated. "y/n meet me Saturday at the park at 1 pm you better be there." He said getting his backpack and walking out the door with Armin and Mikasa.

You rolled your eyes and began packing your belongings for your next class. When you were finished, you went to find Annie, who was, of course, waiting for you by the door, so you went to her. "Hey, are you ready? " She asked.

"Yeah"

"All right, let's go." Annie began walking, and you followed, but you soon discovered she was walking in an entirely different way than our next class.

"Annie, this isn't the way to our next class."

"I know, we aren't going to it"

"Huh? Where are we going then?"

"Were skipping"

"What why?" you were getting scared and confused at this point. You and Annie might have stayed in the bathroom for like half a class but never did you guys skip.

"Because y/n you need rest. You're obviously tired and you can't get the rest you need here."

"No Annie I can't"

"I didn't ask," Annie stated firmly, letting you know she would drag you if she had to. But you definitely weren't letting her win this because you truly couldn't skip. You would be too scared to go home.

"Annie, you know I can't. My dad would be mad if I showed up at home at this time."

"Who said we were going to your house?"

"Where are we going then?"

"Mine. My dad isn't home and won't be for the next 3 days so you should be able to get some sleep before having to go home."

"Aww Ann-"

"Shut up"

you giggled at her being unaffectionate as always.

Our walk came to a stop, and you noticed that you had made it to the parking lot. you got in Annie's car and headed to her house.

Annie's house was nice; it was middle-class, like yours. You'd only been here twice before, so it's not like you hadn't seen it before, but you liked how neat Annie kept things. You wished you could keep your stuff as tidy, but Angie usually messed them up. But it's not like you gave a crap.

"Thanks again," you said, sitting on her bed.

"No problem, I know it's probably hard to get sleep since you have a lot on your plate at home."

You sighed. "Yeah"

"You're a busy woman y/n and I respect you for that so i'm not going to let you work yourself more than you have to"

You chuckled at Annies statement and put your head in your hands, hanging it low. "Annie I don't deserve someone like you" your voice cracked.

"Don't say such dumb things y/n"

"I mean it," you said as you lifted your head to gaze at her. She froze as she saw the tears streaming down your cheeks. "I've met a lot of people in my life, and none of them have ever believed in me, except you and Levi, and that's why disappointing you guys hurts the most."

"y/n what's wrong with you today? This seems like more than just a few missed hours of sleep"

Her worrying only made you cry harder "I'm so sorry Annie"

Annie didn't know what to do. She knew you were having a mental breakdown but this one was more serious than the usual ones. She immediately got you some tissues.

When she was handing them to you you pulled her shirt and hugged her while you sobbed. She didn't care for affection but she sensed you needed it and rubbed your back until you stopped sobbing.

"Now tell me what's the matter y/n"

You took a deep breath. "Where do I start, Annie."

You ended up telling her everything that happened yesterday from the time you got home to the time you woke up.

"I wouldn't take it personally, y/n," Annie remarked after you finished describing everything to her. "Angie is young, so she doesn't comprehend how bad your father is. And I'm very sure Violet's words from yesterday prompted her to say what she said. She was probably projecting her rage and trying to attack you where it hurt because Violet taught her that.

"You're right Annie."

"I know," she said, making you giggle.

"When are you ever wrong" you shook your head smiling.

"I can't recall." Annie pointed at her chin looking up at the ceiling.

You laughed. "What would I do without you?"

"You would go insane with your crazy mind," she stated.

"Hey" you looked over at her with your hand over your chest looking offended. "

I mean you're not wrong but ouch."

Annie giggled. Which made you smile on the inside.

Before the two of you realized it you were on top of Annie tickling her and she was beneath you squirming and giggling. How did you end up here? Who knows, all that mattered was the two of you were having fun.

"Say it" you shouted.

"Never" Annie said giggling while trying to get you off of her. You knew she was having fun and joking because if not she would have been kicked you off of her.

"Say it Annie." you started tickling her more.

"No y/n" she continued to giggle.

If someone saw the two of you they would think that you two were a bunch of goofballs but little did they know this was the rarest sight they would probably ever witness.

You tickled her even more and she finally cracked. "fine , fine i'll say it"

"Then say it"

"I can't if you're on top of me"

"Oh. you're right" you giggled and moved.

Annie seemed out of breath from all the giggling so she seemed like she was trying to speak, that is until she pushed you and ran.

You got up almost immediately and started chasing her. You chased her all over the house until she made it to the bathroom and locked the door. "Annie, you can't stay in there forever."

"Like hell I can't," she giggled.

You sat down next to the door and gained your breath. You didn't know how you were going to catch her but you knew you were. That's when you remembered there was a window in the bathroom. You weren't sure if it was open but you were sure going to find out.

You made your way outside and to the window. Surprisingly when you made your way outside you saw Annie escaping out the window.

You made sure she didn't see you and then when she came walking in your direction you waited until she was too close to run and jumped at her. You landed on top of her and made sure her head didn't hit the ground.

"You think you're getting away that easy, without saying it" you laughed.

You started tickling her again and of course she became a laughing mess under you.

"Damn I really can't get away from you." Annie said in between her laughs.

"Nope"

"Fine then i'll say it"

"Good and im not getting off you"

Annie sighed. "y/n is my favorite person in the world." Annie said defeated.

You began to kiss all around her face which made her laugh. "y/n I didn't agree to this the hell" she said but couldn't even keep a serious demeanor seeing how happy you were.

To her it was a relief to see you happy because today you truly were not being your normal self.

While you were pampering her face you noticed out of the corner of your eye something furry near her fence. It was a dog.

You stopped pampering her face. "Annie look" you said looking directly at the dog.

"He looks disgusted." Annie said.

"He's like damn you homosexuals" you added making yourself and Annie laugh.

After that, you and Annie went to pet the dog, then returned inside, where you two lost track of time and napped, and the day ended there.

a/n - yesss y/n x Annie era lol jk but I love them. I missed yall! I'm sorry I haven't updated but my brain has been on E I literally couldn't put anything into words. But yeah. Did you like this chapter? Just wanted to let you know this side of Annie is extremely rare and you probably will barely see it again but slay I love yall so much.

[tenrose]

I gave up, the website is too shitty, literally nothing functions. Idk if the payment really failed or if those suckers are just not able to properly write 'it's sold out'

Now that I'm slightly annoyed...

I'm gonna rant.

First of all theaters can go fuck themselves if they are not able to provide proper services. The cinema I'm talking about in particular is not indie by the way, it's one of the biggest chains here (fuck you UGC) so the bare minimum they could do is provide with actual functional website so people can actually use it and make reservations. Don't even get me started on the price. 11,60€ for me to fucking go out and see people???? And we know seats aren't as good as they used to be in the past. Don't know about the snack prices, I bet it costs two kidneys.

That being said...

FUCK STREAMING PLATFORMS TOO OR EVEN ESPECIALLY

obviously I ain't paying for any. I won't pay for 10 different platforms, and especially not Amazon they can literally rot in hell. Don't even get me started on netflix. I used to pay sometimes back then. Honestly they had something. They used to do an actual effort and trying to show different stuff. They let creative direction to their writers. We wouldn't never have sense8 with today mentality tbh. Everything is just a reboot, a book adaptation emptied from its substance, a reboot, and book adaptation a reboot, a book a- you see the thing. I mean I shouldn't be bitching as pretty much never watch anything new for years so what do I know? I mean I would like to, but every time I watch a trailer, I'm tired just by watching it. Latest exemple I'm thinking about is the three body problem... Like having read the book just watching the trailer you could see the Americanism all over it... For a chinese book. And it's the problem with everything. I mean American TV shows have always be like this, maybe being younger I wasn't aware back then idk. But it feels so empty, so soulless? They can give me all the diversity they want, that doesn't change that it's still empty. And for TV shows (actually I'm talking more specifically about TV shows cause I'm not a big cinephile so I don't have the legitimacy to criticise) I know it's because of that stupid ass 8 episodes format. I've already talked about it. But it's literally draining the whole industry imo. Also writers clearly having little creative freedom since they have to make stuff that sells. But yeah, TV shows lasted physically and in memories because we were watching them slowly instead of this boulimie stuff we have now. Everything is like consume, forget, consume forget and pay shit ton of money.

And I'm thinking I am actually not built for this shit. I felt so burn out not being able to enjoy anything. So now I don't even try. I don't try new shows cause it's not worth it even when there's an actual good one. Because it's gonna be cancelled anyway. Who wants to emotionally invest in shows that get cancelled (I did so many time).

But when I do.

Be sure I will pirate the shit out of it. None of these industries deserve our money.

To finish on a positive note, if there's one thing I'm really happy for in the end. It's books. Sure the book industry is oversaturated too and there's ton of shit to criticise too (but I won't here). But it's so vast there are books everywhere for everyone, and even if tomorrow not a single book would be published (which I don't believe in), there are enough books for my entire life anyway. But yes books, even if formatted too (looking at us french snobs with our novel format), are like the only place writers can still let go of their creativity. Plus you can have cheap books (I'm starting to get there) and obviously free books thanks to libraries, and also you can pirate books too. Yes I pirate books too but tbh it doesn't even compensate how much I spend buying books so I'm not feeling guilty and I either pirate popular books or old books (if they are really old it's free anyway). But yes if you go out unlike me go buy books if you have money, to your local bookstore, or if you can't library is your way.

Reading is my anchor ⚓

[hellsbellschime]

So I'm really at the end of my rope, bitching and moaning under the cut

So for those of you who haven't been around since the stone age or just aren't in the know, my mom is bipolar. Her doctors in their infinite wisdom decided to test taking her off lithium, and shock of all shockers she is now manic as fuck. Like I just got an email from my landlords threatening possible eviction if her erratic behavior doesn't stop even though we haven't even been here for six months level manic.

So, given that she's literally mentally ill and is a selfish, manipulative, uncaring asshole even when she's medicated, she took my brand new car (it literally doesn't even have 1k miles on it yet) probably like 17 hours ago at this point (I have a time-stamped DM about it from like 13 hours ago), did something to damage it enough to need one of the tires replaced (and she says it's fine but somehow doubting it) EARLY YESTERDAY AFTERNOON and she still hasn't come home. I have called repeatedly, she has occasionally answered, and even giving her the biggest benefit of the doubt in the world it should have taken her about 20 minutes to get home when I called two hours ago.

Honestly my level of stress is just unreal, not only has she managed to abscond with and fuck up the most valuable thing I have ever owned in my life that is brand new and was a pretty huge thing for me to even get in the first place, but as you can imagine, this is not my first rodeo so the childhood trauma triggering is A LOT. And I just can't help but hate myself for not disengaging from this mess, deadass I moved to California as soon as I graduated from college specifically so this would not have to be my life anymore, and now here I am going through this same shit years later and never fully being able to enjoy my life and accomplishments because I have to wrangle a literal crazy person who has no one else.

It just sucks, I never asked for this, and unsurprisingly every other person in her life has tapped out over the years because it's too much and she's just too unkind for anyone to power through it for her so-called good times. She has said many times that she would have literally died at some point if it weren't for me, and while I obviously don't want her dead, that is an ENORMOUS amount of responsibility that I never asked for, and it is a responsibility that has drained a lot of good out of my life. I know everyone has to deal with shit, but having to deal with a mentally ill person who just takes and takes and takes and will tell you you're an asshole every time you try to genuinely help them just completely sucks the life out of you. At this point I wish she would just go off and live her dream crackhead life and leave me out of it, FFS we've been living in our new apartment for 5 months and she hasn't given me rent money once so at least I know I can do it on my own if necessary, and I'm just so fucking SPENT. For god's sake, I just called her again in the process of writing this damn post and she started yelling at me as if I'M the asshole in this scenario.

I just want to sit and cry and have the biggest pity party in the world and more than that I JUST WANT THIS FUCKING SHIT TO END and I want to feel like I can have a full life rather than trying to play cleanup crew for a person who treats me this way. I never dislike myself more than I do when I'm around her, and I hate that pity for someone who is frankly a complete asshole even on the best day has kept me trapped in a situation where I always feel like I'm my worst, saddest, meanest self. I'm just so fucking over it and don't want the responsibility of holding someone's life together when it feels like all I've done and dealt with since I was a kid. So all of you mfers better send all of your pity feels my way because literally no one on planet earth has a more difficult life than I do!

[ruckis--rookie]

Small rant below nothing too serious.

Ughh. I'm dragging sm ass today. I gotta go to DnD which is something that's felt more like a chore lately than anything with how things are being ran. I won't get into too many details but I had to take Gera out of the campaign because of the narrative. There hardly isn't ever a session where something doesnt go wrong either intentionally or unintentionally by the DM for the entire party. At least not anymore. She leaves fate up to the dice almost always and never fudges rolls which I super don't agree with, but I know its a preference so it won't change. But if it's getting to a point where, quote from me and another buddy, "it's making The Odyssey look like a cake walk", something needs to change.

I'm deeply interconnected with Gera, he became a fursona for a reason. He's the most sensitive, impulsive version of exaggerated and personafied. It got to a point where this adventure started out with him waking up excited to start the day to not wanting to even move out of bed out of sheer fear. A lot how I've become towards DnD to be honest.

Everything was working against him, everything was going wrong, and he sufficiently got to a point where he became numb and apathetic towards everything because the immense despair, fear, pain, anger, and raw emotion became to much for him. It got so bad that I had to make the jump from Lawful Evil to Chaotic Evil. He wants to get his way and he doesn't care how he gets it, even if it means hurting people. Hes going against his own lcode thats how bent out of shape he is. Granted it was a very loose code before but at least he still had SOME morality.

A lot of it has to do with the fact he's a character that literally cannot be left alone. Ruckis needed a break (for the same reason) and entrusted Gera in the care of the party leader since Gera loved (literally loved, past tense intentional) him. That was a mistake and Gera was left unchecked. Not just by him, but by everyone for the longest time. He got tired of it and decided he was done waiting for someone to rescue him. He'd make his own way. With the mental state he's in that's not a good thing.

The other main thing is the narrative constantly working against him. Remember how I mentioned the dice rolling before. Tip for any up and coming DMs. You're in charge of the narrative. If you have to curb it please fucking do so for the love of God. And I know this is a conscious choice that's being made because, thy quote "I think I like darker narratives because they're more realistic".... I dunno about you but when I play a game for escapism I don't much care for realism being in it. Another thing, to, the assumption that maybe the campaign might feel better because "Gera and Naga are leaving". The latter at least being temporary... but I'm sorry if the narrative took a nose dive for the worst and my character is responding rather appropriately??? They've also griped about that too, the way he's been acting to which I always mention is intentional and that if someone just talked to him that it'd be revealed. See where I mentioned he had been left unchecked. Literally left alone. That was *before*, now he just wants to be left alone by everyone other than Ruckis (who by the way came back enraged with how Gera had been mishandled). If I'm being honest it doesn't feel like I'm wanted there. They don't have the patience for someone who registers and processes things as slowly as I do. Our DM will default to our star player and then look completely drained or sigh when she gets to me. I've honestly stopped asking for help or stopped telling the DM things because the irate sighing I get in response to asking for help with refreshing me on something we haven't used in a while because information that isn't being used is most likely lost. I can't tell tell DM anything because I know if I do it'll more than likely be turned against me.

This is but a fraction of the issues. If I feel more need to scream into the void maybe I'll come back to it, but I just... we're so close to the end of the campaign and I like to see stories through. I hate unfinished stories. Not only that but I wanna kick the final big bad's ass with Kit because I asked for that as my birthday wish.

I brought Test in for a reason and it was to serve as a less empathetic, less driven by emotion character as back up. At the same time he's incredibly squishy and a wild card (literally) if he dies its whatever. I have another character idea on the back burner if Test goes down before the campaign is over, and that one gives even less of a shit about everything. He's just there doing a job. (Geno if crouchy and underpaid working with people he doesn't like tbh)

After this campaign I'm not sure how much more DnD I'll do. It sucks that this had to be my first DnD experience, because it's become quite a sore spot. I loved how it started but I hate what its become. Ya'll know how much I like Gera angst. Now I just want him to heal because the thought of Gera angst in current times makes me feel physically ill.

[bondsmagii]

the last anon about "psychopaths" is correct and reminded me of another thing: how everyone views people with Cluster B Personality Disorders (antisocial personality disorder(ASPD aka "sociopathy"), borderline personality disorder(BPD), histrionic personality disorder(HPD), and narcissistic personality disorder(NPD) like dogshit.

I have BPD (and some other shit that amplifies it), went through some godawful phases, and have been in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Radically Open Dialectical Behavioral Therapy(RODBT) but it can't prepare me for a hyper-specific instance where I don't know what to do, nothing ever can. When I google search something in regards to managing my BPD, I get shit like "every person with BPD will always drain you and do not befriend someone with BPD they will always manipulate you they're a yandere oooh aaah scary noooo" and I am so fucking tired. I know my disorder makes me a fucking awful person at times and I know, deep down, I am not an awful person but "people with BPD tend to see themselves as the victim" so I think I actually am an awful person in denial. That is not to say that I am immune to consequences or because I can't control it. I can control myself and everyone can. I am always responsible for my actions and any repercussions that follow.

But there's support for BPD. I know there's also support for HPD and even NPD, but ASPD is not much. one of my cluster Bitches in crime has ASPD, and every time I see someone throw the word "sociopath" around like it's the communal piss pot I get angry. I'm "hyper-empathetic/sympathetic" and hyper-emotional as a whole and I get angry because "that isn't even fucking true you incompetent troglodyte."

TLDR: dawg we just trynna fuckin live here, it isn't our fault we turned out this way. We're more than our disorder/diagnosis

(this is in reference to this ask, not the most recent, as I am a disgrace when it comes to answering asks in a timely manner.)

this is something that has long, long pissed me off. I mean I have been bitching about this for years, and I still get so mad about it. did you know that the subreddit for BPD bans people with BPD from subscribing or posting? it's literally just full of people bitching about their BPD partners/friends/family members and talking about how horrible and awful and irredeemable people with BPD are, and the language is very much like they believe these people are choosing to be that way. I don't deny that BPD can and does make people act in terrible ways, but the way I've seen people talk about it makes me think they see no difference between this and people without BPD who just choose to be abusive. fair enough if someone uses BPD as an excuse to never change, but everyone I have met with BPD has been very aware of it and working very hard to manage their symptoms. the fact that they can't even Google resources to help them without seeing absolutely disgraceful articles talking about them as though they're pet dogs to be trained is abhorrent. (I have literally seen articles talking about "how to deal with/manage your borderline" -- what absolutely disgusting language to use about human beings. this is a personality disorder, not a dog breed.)

honestly, all Cluster B disorders get an atrocious amount of shit. it's like I've always said: people are so full of support and love to talk the talk until somebody with a mental illness or a personality disorder acts "scary" or "bad," and then nobody's interested. it's the same bullshit behind everyone yelling about making mentally ill people "look bad" if you acknowledge that somebody who committed a crime was mentally ill. look at what happens if you point out that sane people don't commit mass shootings, lmao. people just cannot deal with the moral nuance of accepting that mentally ill people, or people with personality disorders, may be abusive or may be criminals, but they still deserve support. maybe if people didn't have such unexamined prejudices against criminals, they might not struggle with this so much -- but again, criminals deserve support and human rights until they commit a "really bad" crime like murder or rape, and then apparently they're monsters and animals and deserve to die. it's hypocrisy, baby. people do not like feeling uncomfortable and they don't like looking as though they "support" bad things -- and so you end up with bullshit like this. respecting the human rights of dangerously mentally ill people, or people with "scary" personality disorders, apparently means condoning bad behaviour. it's the most smooth-brained shit.

tl;dr if people stopped using their morality to make themselves look good and instead based it on principales that would make a better world for everyone, we probably wouldn't have this problem.

[schizochasm]

Sorry I'm less active.

Both on scrolling and posting.

My life is a shit show rn.

(cut cause this was supposed to be a small update, but ya Boi went off the rails as always. Lmao I'm so stable y'all!~"

Everything going on from the outside has got me so depressed and sick of life and hoping for anything.

And my mental health is so to shit it's (literally) insane.

I just wanna be in my bubble and do mothing.

But my brain fills nothing with hallucinations and terrible thoughts.

So I'm exhausting myself just by doing Anything.

And I can't do nothing.

So I'm very drained and sick of being me. And sick of life.

I'm gonna be posting weigh ins again start tomorrow or 2 days from now depending on how brave I am in the morning.

But I'm so tired...

So I'm not scrolling much or have the energy to post much.

Everything just feels so pointless and stupid.

I would km$, but since my younger brother died I don't have the heart to. I'm not selfish enough.

Seeing my friend react to their friend km$ing changed my view of it forever. Ren (the artist) recently further semented it.

But my brother dying is why I haven't. Even knowing what it does to the people I love, I would've. It's bad enough that I would've. I'm suffering horrors and being subjected to things you can't even imagine. While having to keep up a life.

But knowing my mom already lost a child too early, and my brother always said me and my younger brother are the only people he has empathy for... I just can't now...

Fuck you for dying!

I was always supposed to go 1st...

I just can't do that to my family...

It's the only time I'm mad at my brother for dying. When I have to keep living because of it.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, so first of all I would say this is actually kind of urgent because it's really distressing me and I have nowhere else to go to and no one who can help me, but I wouldn't classify it as an emergency or crisis situation. I've just been having a very difficult time dealing with this, it's extremely disruptive and general advice like "Name 5 things you can see" or "Just do yoga" isn't cutting it right now, my job is at risk, and I feel like if things don't improve then I might have a breakdown.

Trigger Warning: Binge eating, weight mentions, chronically ill mom, verbal abuse

Looking for: Advice for my specific situation

Currently cannot access therapy, nor do I have access to caregivers/nurses or family members who can help me.

My mom is permanently bed-ridden. She has binge eating episodes but doesn't want to get help. She is overweight but the problem doesn't have to do with her weight so much as the mental impacts it has on her, like feeling of a loss of control during binge episodes, getting into dramatic moods during binging, and it's almost like a drug (she'll be going through a 'high' during the binge and then once it's over with she goes back to being unhappy and taking things out on people). When other people criticize her, she automatically thinks what they are criticizing is her weight rather than the mental aspect and how wildly she behaves, and she'll say things like "They shouldn't talk about me when they weigh even more than I do!"

Because my mom cannot get out of bed, I'm the one who has to cook everything for her. She starts asking for strange foods (like wanting me to cook things for her that aren't usual for us to eat, or that I've never prepared before). And she'll start adding on more and more details, so I can't really 'meal prep' because it always ends up becoming unpredictable. For example, today, first she wanted me to make her meat with rice as a side dish, which I'd consider a normal/simple meal. But then she kept adding on more instructions and by the end of everything it turned into a total different meal that I had to cook 5 additional things in order to complete. She comes up with the instructions spontaneously ("Oh, I want you to make this other food and then add it to the dish, too!") so it interrupts the cooking process and a lot of time also gets wasted reheating food since (quote from her) "I need to have my food very hot."

Afterwards, she will ask for an equally complicated dessert, have me make hot drinks for her, sometimes bring her more food, and literally keep eating and eating for HOURS, until she gets bored of it. And she's even admitted herself that she "does it out of gluttony" so she's not even hungry anymore at that point and admits it but she doesn't care that she is making me go through a lot of work just to appease her.

Now. The problem is that I have a job where I have to concentrate in front of the computer... and it feels extremely impossible to concentrate in front of the computer for long periods of time when shit like this keeps going on constantly. I had a friend suggest setting boundaries with my mom, but clearly my friend does NOT know what my mom is like (my mom doesn't give a fuck basically because she thinks everything needs to revolve around her). Also, I am chronically ill myself both physically and mentally, so often times, I'll be feeling completely drained. My mom is verbally abusive and says "My food takes no time to make, you just don't want to work and then blame everything on me, you are so ungrateful and useless." and constantly mocks me for supposedly not doing enough for her even though I don't know how many other people would spend hours every single day making ridiculous foods their mom starts craving on a whim. I am fucking tired to death, I am sorry but I just feel like I am reaching my limit with this. Like I woke up so motivated to work today and now it's all gone to shit because I'm TIRED and my mom doesn't even appreciate what I do, she gets pissed off at me for not looking happier while helping her, she thinks my job is stupid anyway, and God I'm just sick of all this.

Anon with the binge-eating bed-ridden mom again. Want to add an update. TW self harm. So last night I thought my mom was asleep and I ate something, which turned out to be like the greatest sin I could have committed and threw her into a rage. She got mad at me because I ate without telling her (whenever I eat or drink something, the "house rule" is to always offer my food/drink to her, which I would've done as normal except I thought she was asleep and didn't want to wake her up). She began screaming at me, and when I said "I didn't know you were awake, can I bring you food?" she refused it. But even though she didn't want the food she kept bringing me down while I was eating, to the point I felt so sick I couldn't finish my food. I know you might suggest "Go eat in another room" but I share a room with my mom in order to help her, and I really didn't think it would blow into a big deal because like I said I was sure she was asleep. I may try to avoid her while eating my own meals from now on even when I think she's asleep but yeah at the time I just didn't think of it because I would've never guessed this was coming. Because of all the guilt-tripping and feeling like a shitty person, I self harmed before I fell asleep. (And also today because of the next thing I'm going to describe) Thought my mom might be over it today, but actually she was even angrier than before, she was still screaming at me, telling me I'm trying to imitate girls who disrespect their moms because I think it's cool/trendy to act disrespectful and that eating my without offering it to her was a sign of disrespect to her (EVEN THOUGH LIKE I KEEP FUCKING SAYING, I WOULD HAVE OFFERED IF I THOUGHT SHE WAS AWAKE). And then after yelling at me, she jumped straight into making me cook things for her to binge eat again, and I still haven't been able to get the work for my job done, which is due very soon. It's not getting better for me.

Hi anon,

I'm genuinely sorry to hear about the situation you're in. It sounds super controlling and exhausting to live with. It's incredibly frustrating to hear about the way your mom treats you. It's normal not to offer food to people and it doesn't make you disrespectful. It sounds like she puts such incredibly high expectations on you that it's costing your mental and physical health, and it sounds like it's also starting to encroach on your job responsibilities as well.

Perhaps this is something you've considered, but is there anyone else you could stay with? It sounds like this environment is extremely toxic and taking a toll on your mental health. I know you said you don't classify this as an emergency or crisis situation, but for the sake of your health it is worth thinking of it that way. It may be worth involving the authorities here. I'm not usually so straightforward but you cannot afford to live like this. Here is a list of international crisis resources, ranging from suicide to domestic violence and child abuse.

If anyone has any suggestions or insight, I strongly recommend sharing your input here. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[i-jxta]

June 22, 2023 | Thursday | 10:54PM

It's here again. The empty feeling. But this time it's because of something different. I don't know what I am doing. I'm not doing anything I like to do and I ask myself "why aren't you then? Why don't you just do what you'd like to do?". In my head it's can't be that simple. I want a career, but I don't know in what. I do know, but I am not mentally well enough and I am not in an environment where I can create freely. I hate where I'm at. I don't wanna be in the house I live and I don't wanna be at the job I work. Yet, I can't move. I can't leave my house right now, I have no fucking money. I can't leave the job I have right now because I don't have another fucking job lined up for me. I know a lot of what I don't want and yet everything I don't want is exactly what I have. I am living such an unfulfilling life, every day is the same fucking thing. I can't stand it anymore. Every one always tells you to have hope for the future, that I'll figure it out. But the present is so intolerable and it's been that way since I've been born. I am tired. Despite my difficulty with my disorder, I've managed to get my bachelor's degree, hold a job for as long as I wanted too, maintain some friendships, get certificates in different things, and a bunch of other shit. I feel so defeated even though I've made it through so many traumatic and exhausting situations. Every thing I want feels just out of reach. Whenever I daydream or dream of the life I want, I feel like I am being taunted and laughed at. By who? I don't know but I have all these dreams and wishes and I can get so into my head that once it's over and I realize where I am actually at. It's crushing. It's depressing and sad. I have nothing going on for me now.

Now that I've graduated, everyone is waiting on my next move. My friends, my family, even my managers ask me what am I going to do next. I don't know. School lifted that pressure off of me for a while because I'd just reply "I am studying right now" and that was it. But I don't have that cushion to lay on anymore. This feeling is nauseating, intense and draining. I have nothing inside of my chest, I don't feel like anything. I feel like a vessel that only carries emotion. I can only hold it together for so long and today I am crumbling. Judging by how frequently I post it seems to be a month long cycle. I'll be fine for the first half of the month and after that I slowly spiral downwards.

I feel like nobody hears me. I can talk and talk about how I feel and I feel like people just throw solutions at me. Nobody is there to listen, they want to fix everything for me but I can't be fixed by anyone else. My suffering is not the same, I am ill. I am have a disordered brain. It's the same for me as it is for anyone else who doesn't have BPD. I have to literally take medicine to regulate how I feel, to keep me stable to some extent. I don't have a normal brain and yet even the people closest to me treat me like I do. I can't explain the emptiness in my chest. How hallow and intense it is. It feels deep like it goes beyond my body. The void inside me feels like a blackhole in space. Nobody will ever understand how much I truly suffer.

[thesirensaresingingyourname]

You can tell me what you're feelings are, I'll listen, I care

I'm so tired. Emotionally, physically, mentally. Just so tired. Living in constant fear of do I have cancer, do I not have cancer. What's wrong with me, to what extent is it wrong, oh nothing's wrong it's all in my head, no one fucking knows anything. And then they all just ignore my pain. The pain that is draining me.

There's pain in my back, my tummy, my chest. There's pressure everywhere. My nerves constantly feel as if they are on fire. I always feel like I need to either throw up or use the bathroom.

And then my mental health is fucking dragging. Everyone around me has gotten so tired of me telling them im in pain. So I'm keeping everything in, which literally translates to EVERYTHING, so I'm even more exhausted. It's all just too much. I just don't know what to do anymore. I honestly just want to do whatever to stop this

[c0rpseductor]

i am so sick of my fucking brain. i am so sick of my fucking Self. oh my god.

obviously the stuff i saw earlier made me enraged and really miserable; i was genuinely so mad i felt sick and dizzy. now i just feel really drained and frustrated and somehow that's led me to obsessing over how because self-dx is risky and bad i CLEARLY don't have any of the problems i think i do and none of the things i think happened are anything more than highly complex delusions and i'm an IDIOT and any doctor i try to see will laugh me out of their office.

and like, i know at this point that it's really unlikely, because i'm at the point where i will have people like "i have literally spoken to your alters, i can absolutely confirm that was not like you" and i will be like "but what if, like, i did it on purpose and then forgot about it or something"

it's just so tiring. i hate how every time i freak out over this exact thing i just want it to go away so badly that i have no confidence in myself. i genuinely am like so consumed by terror that everything i remember isn't real that i just like...refuse to even treat my responses as though they're justified and just sink further into flashbacks or panicking or whatever because "why am i freaking out why do i feel sick that was imaginary and it never happened so this makes no sense"

i want to just forget about all of this nonsense and go back to before. apparently i was not doing any better mentally back then either, but i don't remember all too well. i just know i would prefer not to believe that these things happened and back then whenever i thought about it it was SO easy to dismiss as overreactions or whatever. now i always get terrified over how floridly psychotic i'd have to be to have things that completely resemble normal memories not just to myself but OTHER PEOPLE and seem indistinguishable from normal reality but never happened. that would be like, if i couldn't trust any of my perceptions of anything AT ALL i would rather not be alive than spend the rest of my life wondering just who in my life might secretly be some kind of extremely convincing and plausible hallucination. i used to worry about it in middle school, like that everyone on earth except for me was actually dead and i was hallucinating everyone and if i figured it out i would snap back to lucidity and be alone and it was so scary, and the new version of that for me is "what if you developed an extremely plausible-sounding and convincing set of delusions and hallucinations resembling memories and PTSD flashbacks that in conjunction with your legitimate memories make it SEEM like you were sexually abused by your parents but ACTUALLY you are crazy and went around making shit up."

like. What if i woke up and forgot about all this tomorrow and went about my merry way and never once had a moment's thought about "what if i have DID" or "i was sexually abused" ever again? it would rule. it ruled when i did not think that had ever happened to me and i would prefer to go back to that even if the tradeoff was that i was drinking and cutting all the goddamn time. that is genuinely preferable to me.

[sappho-favourite-pupil]

Okay, allow me to elaborate.

It's the night after our wedding day, we've just arrived in our hotel room. My wife went right to the bathroom and locked herself in it, while i was too tired to even gather the necessary strength to take my fancy suit off of me. I just sat on our soft king sized bed, closing my eyes and trying to recover from the intense emotions of the day. I've never wanted to get married, i wasn't interested in it, i was, in fact, pretty much against the idea of marriage itself. But i wanted to make her happy, and she wanted me to marry her, so that's what i did.

I was still glancing at the golden ring sitting around my finger, when i heard the bathroom's door opening. She had taken off her elegant dress, and was standing barefoot on the marble floor now, wrapped in a set of red lingerie like the most delicious of gifts. I gasped loudly, and she smiled. "Amore, i'm too tired for- i'm serious" i said. Seeing her like that made me want to do unholy things to her, even more than the usual, but i was really tired. Both physically exhausted and mentally drained. She shrugged her bare shoulders, and came sitting on my lap, her feet lightly thicking on the floor. "I'm sorry you're tired" and she intertwined her fingers with mine, scooping a bit closer to me and laying her head on my shoulder "You're 100% sure you're too tired tho?" and bat her brown eyes up at me.

"It's not that i don't want to" and my sight was captured for a brief second by the way that red silk made her tits look "I really do, but i'm so tired i could literally day on the spot. Maybe we should postpone- i mean, we've got plenty of time-" but she moved again in my lap, pretending to be trying to find a more comfortable position, and the words died in my mouth. When i looked down at her she was smiling again, and that smile was the sweet smile i was used to, her eyes glowing. The thing i loved more in the whole world.

"So what you're telling me" she caressed my cheek with the back of her soft hand "What you're telling me is that you're not willing to please your wife? Is that it?" but she didn't wait for an answer, and started to slowly unbotton my jacket to take it off "Well, you can always stop me if you're really that tired, amore mio. Choice is yours" her beautiful painted nails were opening my shirt's bottons now, her fingers moving with an ease that can only be the result of habit "Come on, say something...you want me to stop?".

It was pretty unlikely i could have managed to get anything out of my mouth, and she knew that, and that's exactly why she was smiling like a woman who was aware she was about to get what she wanted. She came a bit closer to kiss my neck, and then my right shoulder, while starting to grind in my lap. I threw my head back, groaning. The pink lipstick stain she left on my skin made me fucking feral, more than anything else she was doing to me, perhaps.

I glared once again at the beautiful body caressed by the silk of her lingerie, trying to control my breath, laboured with lust "Take it off" i whispered into her ear eventually, after moving her hair to the side "It's so pretty, i don't want to risk ruining it just yet".

[This is about lesbian sex - men and minors fuck off]

I'm kinda thinking about fucking her in a white wedding dress and i'm not normal about it. I've tried, but i swear i cannot be normal about it.

[bpdstevenuniverse]

i have lost count of how many automated internship/job e-mails i got that rejected me, basically saying i'm not good enough for any kind of job. these e-mails always say the same thing. "we're not choosing you bc other candidates are BETTER than you, but don't be sad!!! you'll get more opportunities!". except i've been getting this same answer for probably half a decade at this point. and not even internships or jobs that require zero experience at all accept me.

i'm worthless to this system. it keeps telling me i need an insane amount of knowledge to be worthy. knowledge i'll never truly acquire because of money and mental illness. so i get rejected again and again. this is not motivating. it won't motivate me to learn the entire microsoft office pack or the entire adobe pack, no matter how "easy" it might sound.

and like, i already have college to worry about. thousands of assignments, pointless classes, boring exposition, and THEN they also require you to go to museums or concerts for extra hours, bc you won't fucking GRADUATE if you don't have enough extra hours.

none of this is FUCKING MOTIVATING! i'm tired of everyone shoving down my throat that i'm "lazy" and i don't try hard enough. literally everything is fucking pointless. even if i get a goddamn diploma, i know i'm not gonna get a single fucking job, not even a fucking internship. i know that. and even my classmates who do have jobs, they feel absolutely drained.

all of this is pointless! why do i have to try so hard? why do the expectations only become more unrealistic? why do we fucking accept it?