#I'm just very tired about being nice about it IRL because my friend is trying to get back into reading fantasy and I'm being supportive

[thexgrayxlady]

What I Read in July 2024

The Adventures of Amina Al-Sirafi by S.A. Chakraborty - 4.50/5.00

If you could synthesize a book in a lab, just for me, this would be very close to the end result.

This was a fun, swashbuckling adventure, staring a retired pirate and her middle-aged crew. I love how despite being older, the characters are all still hot messes and absolute menaces to society. Amina, despite trying to reform for her kid, is still an adventurer at heart and you feel how much she loves being back on the sea, getting into misadventures. I was having too much of a good time to take too many notes.

Also Raksh sucks so much. He's just the worst. I love him. I want him to keep trying to serve Amina magical divorce papers forever.

It's really just held back by its ties to her previous series, which is mainly a personal grievance because I'm finding interconnected universes, especially when they don't need to be there, increasingly uninteresting. The part on the Peri's island drags a lot and they take a lot of the tension out of the ending.

The book has a fun, Raiders-esque feel to it. The plot unfolds at a pretty fast pace and I never got tired of the hijinks the characters got into getting the band back together.

Voyage of the Basilisk by Marie Brennan - 3.00/5.00

I'm always weirdly disappointed by these books. Like, they're not unenjoyable, but I always feel like there isn't enough focus on the speculative biology of dragons. The pacing for this book is a lot better than the previous entries, it gets right to business on Isabella's voyage around the world to study dragons. It's very accessible and easy to read. When the dragons are on page, they're really interesting. I really liked the illustrations. Unfortunately, I'm just not terribly interested in the politics of this world.

Wicked Beauty by Katee Robert - 3.50/5.00

I gave Katee Robert another chance and I liked this so much better than Electric Idol. Wicked Beauty made for a fun and easy beach read. The characters are less annoying, except for Hermes and Dionysus, who are, yet again, just so irritating. I hated every second they were on page. Fortunately, there was not very much of them.

I really liked Helen, Achilles, and Patroclus. They had a fun dynamic between them. I appreciate that while they come to care about each other, they have incompatible goals at first and they eventually work to figure out how to make their relationship work. They're all messy bisexual assholes and I loved watching them being messy bisexual assholes.

The ratio of porn to plot was a lot better in this book. The plot is kind of dumb, but it's entertainingly dumb and, let's be honest, you're not reading this series for the plot. There are some things from the plot that I would have changed, one of them is genuine and the other is just a personal preference. I wish that Helen defeating Paris had been from her POV and had more time and weight dedicated to it. It felt like the author was rushing to the end here. I also wish there had been more drama around Patroclus' injuries in the second trial, but that's just my preference. Hiding injuries is my catnip. It was dangled in front of me and then jerked away. Like the football. Jail for Katee Robert. Jail for 1000 years!

Mistborn by Brandon Sanderson - 2.75/5.00

I see the appeal of these books. They do not appeal to me.

To it's credit, it is very accessible. Maybe a little too much so for my taste. I am, admittedly, a pretentious asshole. This could have been a fun book. At times, it is very close to being a very fun book. Unfortunately it settles for being the MCU of fantasy in both a complementary and a derogatory sense.

The language is very simple, to the point where the few times where complex vocabulary was used, it was somewhat jarring. I think I can count on one hand the number of times figurative language was used. Everything is very surface level, if it's what you're in the mood for, I could see it being very easy to turn your brain off and enjoy this and not have to worry too much about missing out on subtext.

That being said, everything is explained so often that you have to ask yourself if Sanderson thinks his readers are stupid. You just want to tell him that yeah, you got the point like three paragraphs ago, just get on with it. The over explanation of the, admittedly interesting, magic, the simple plot, and the beyond simple characters lead to the book feeling tensionless and bloated.

I actually like the magic system. When it wasn't being explained every other paragraph. Learning about Allomancy became very repetitive fast and I think at least half of it could have been kept in the appendix for a much tighter book. And because it was so overstated, I became kind of pedantic about it. The magic system doesn't even go as far as it could with its own logic. Why can they push and pull non-magnetic metals? Why is that road copper when it could be a much cooler magnetic metal? You could have a road made out of cobalt or neodymium or even nickel if you wanted something more mundane. Why is pewter the metal that makes you stronger when it's really soft and malleable in real life?

The world itself feels more like a themepark version of itself than an actual lived in world. I wouldn't care about this so much, but Sanderson gets so much praise for his worldbuilding and I do not get it. This is due at least in part to how flat and lifeless the characters are.

Vin is wildly inconsistent. She says over and over and over again that she doesn't trust people and she expects to betray her. Yet every time she encounters someone betraying someone else and she becomes surprised pikachu. Like, she should not need to have what noblemen do to Skaa women explained to her. She should not be shocked and appalled by it. She grew up with that threat constantly hanging over her head. She should not like or trust the nobility as much as she does, as quickly as she does. From the very beginning, she feels more like a sheltered noblewoman than a homeless orphan who makes a living by stealing.

I've very rarely encountered a character as annoying as Kelsier. You can practically see him tip his goddamn fedora and hear him say, "M'lady." I'm not sure a whole chapter goes by without one character or another extolling the virtues of the goddamn Mary Sue. He has one pretty good moment, when he returns to the Pits of Hathsin, and another when Sanderson has another all too brief flash of really good writing with Kelsier's death. The first is nearly immediately undercut when Kelsier single-handedly destroys the Pits in two pages and meets so little resistance in doing so that it feels like he could have done that whenever he wanted to. If he could so easily do this, why does the rest of the plan even need to happen?

Sazed's the best character and even then, he's still wish.com Alfred Pennyworth.

Because the main characters are so overpowered and the antagonists have very little presence on the page, plot has no tension. Everything just feels too easy for the characters. Everything more or less goes according to plan. And when it doesn't, it doesn't feel like they have to struggle to get things back on track. At the end, I had to ask myself what was the point of 2/3 of the book spent gathering the army when Vin and Kelsier were going to solo everything.

The tension is not helped by calling the oppressed underclass The Skaa.

The logbook bits at the start of the chapters are the most interesting part of the book because they're allowed to stand more or less on their own and they don't tell the reader everything that happens, then explain it in the narration, then have the characters discuss it again just to make sure that the reader knows what happened.

Admittedly, the last fifty pages are a blast, but you shouldn't have to slog through six hundred pages of repetitive, annoying, beige prose to get there. The Lord Ruler's entrance is really cool and creepy. What Vin does with the metal arrowheads is creative and frankly just nifty. Unfortunately, my copy had several misprinted pages right when it was getting good, so I couldn't really even enjoy that.

At the end of the day, it honestly feels like Sanderson would rather be writing manuals for a TTRPG than a novel.

Mirrored Heavens by Rebecca Roanhorse - 3.50/5.00

The cover is less criminally ugly than Fevered Star!

I want so badly to like this book more than I do. Unfortunately, it inherits too many problems from the previous book to land as effectively as it could. The author still has to scramble to move characters into place because of how much time the previous book wasted futzing around.

The whole Teek storyline feels rushed and I feel like Xiala should have gone through most of it in the previous book. If her mother, aunt, and the matrons were given more time to develop, then their massacre would have had more of an impact. The scene on the beach where she starts to Sing is really good and I wish that it had the impact it deserved. That being said, once it gets off of the Teek islands, watching her come into her powers is pretty cool and her storyline moves much more smoothly. Her reunion with Serapio is very cute and I love their relationship.

Naranpa's storyline ultimately feels superfluous and hastily tacked on as the conflict pivots away from the Crow God and the Sun God. At the end of the last book, I thought we would get at least something interesting happening at the Graveyard of the Gods and it just never happens. I feel like you could cleanly excise her parts from the book and very little would be lost. It's ultimately just so shallow and disconnected from everything else that it's hard to care.

None of Balem's flashbacks were needed and just leave the book feeling bloated. Frankly, I don't think that Balem's POV is needed to begin with. You could get just about everything you needed from that with some minor tweeks to Iktans.

Serapio's POV is easily one of the strongest. There's a scene with the man he thinks is is father that's so good. You get such a strong sense of his religious trauma and why he feels like his destiny is his only option. You really understand why he latches so strongly onto anybody who treats him like an actual human, like Okoa and Xiala.

Like. I loved the first book in this series. I love these characters. This is such an interesting world. I know it doesn't seem like it from this review, but I like this book. There's a lot of very good stuff in here. It's just held back too much by mistakes made in the previous entry and I wanted it to be better.

[goron-king-darunia]

Eggtober 9th, 2024

"Comforting" Fried Egg on Toast with Chives. A partially traced study of This Photo by @alkaline-noodles

(Krita, Wet Circle and Soft Chalk default brushes, 15 colors, 45 minutes on and off.) Life still insists on being super mean to me, so it's been very hard to keep up with Eggtober. I'm going to try to do a few more today and catch up soon, but I have things on the 14th and 15th that might leave me too tired.

But to try to get me motivated to work on the eggs again, I decided to use one of the prettiest Egg photos that popped up this year. I did want to do a freehand reference but I sat on that for 3 days and nothing happened so I decided to trace the main elements from an adjusted photo to make it a little easier. Just an exercise to make the task of drawing right now seem less daunting. User @alkaline-noodles, as the originator of the photo I traced, has full permission to use this for any and all purposes since it's their egg. I just really liked the soft sage green and the nice plating and the wispy highlight on the yolk a whole lot. I would have drawn, or traced, the plate too if I thought I could manage it. The whole photo just... felt like being invited to sit and have tea and breakfast on the back deck with an old friend to talk about things. It's just a kind of soft everyday sort of comfort that I really need right now.

Not to glorify suffering, quite the opposite, but I genuinely hope I'm having the worst possible time in the world right now because that would mean that everyone else is doing at least a little better right now. That would make me happy. It's probably not true, but I really want to believe that everyone else out there is doing better. To everyone that's loving and supporting me right now, it means the world. I don't know when I'm going to feel okay again, and I want to choose to be happy for everyone's sakes, because I know a lot of my IRL friends look to me for comfort and happiness and understanding when they're going through shit. I've been characterized on a few separate occasions as the person with the ability to put difficult things into words to help express some of those wriggly feelings. I like to think that's comforting for others. That by being able to find words, I can help people reach others and that by finding the words, they know I understand. I don't know if I'll find the correct words for this personal hardship any time soon. But I feel you all loving me. And it helps. And I'll keep being here however long I need to be until I'm back to the person who finds words for others and who makes others smile. But until then, it would make me very happy to know that everyone else is smiling when I can't. Thank you all.

Tagging Egg King @quezify. There's a little sunshine every morning and a reason to get up and fight for it. Because there are big shiny eggs in the world. And I get to see them all October. So even during what's probably the lowest low I'm going to experience for a while, I'm still glad. Even if I'm going to be a sludge instead of a human being for a while, I'm alive, and I'm loved, and that's enough until the darkness passes. Stay safe, stay warm, and hug your loved ones. And keep sharing beautiful eggs during these trying times.

[autisticempathydaemon]

Hi Lexi! I saw your match ups and I'm curious who you'd match me up with, if you wouldn't mind?

•What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why?

• Okay, so I’ve listened to ‘Rule #34’ by Fish in a Birdcage over and over. The verse ‘You look so good, there on your knees/ Such a good girl knows how to please/ Look at me, look me in the eyes/ Forget yourself, surrender your mind/ Right now, you’re mine/ All mine/ Give in, you’re mine/ All mine (oh)’ I really have no real reason that comes to mind except that it scratches something in my brain.

•What is your Enneagram type?

•I'm an INFJ

•Do you love gargantuan Youtube video essays, and if so, which is your favorite and why?

•I do not, the closest I’d say I enjoy are the Redacted 101 videos

•Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend.

•I actually can’t remember much of my childhood. I think I used to have an imaginary friend but I can’t remember specifics

•What is your go-to way to fall asleep?

•listening to ASMR videos, usually Redacted

•If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why? (In tandem, if you have changed your name, why did you pick that one?)

• Hmmm that’s a good question. I actually like my name so I’ve never thought of changing it. I might go with Amitisia, it’s kinda cringe because it’s the name I gave to a main character of a story I never finished writing when I was a teenager.

•What is your favorite of Redacted’s audios, and why?

•Number one spot goes to “Your Incubus Confesses His Feelings (Again) While You Sleep”. It’s so soft and sweet and makes me feel so comforted when I’m having a bad day. I’ve listened to it a lot before I fall asleep.

Second place would go to “Falling For Your Yandere Childhood Friend”

•What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don’t get the hype for. (I won’t judge, I promise.)

•Hate to say it but Ollie, he’s so sweet and nice but I was just never interested? And it always seems like we get an Ollie video before something bad happens so maybe that has something to do with it?

•Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to.

•I tend to replay shows and movies I like a lot so there’s a bunch. I guess I’ll go with “Mulan” because it’s my all time favorite Disney movie.

•Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend?

•Oh, definitely Asher! Whenever I listen to his playlist I'm just like…You’re cute and chaotic but I’d rather have you as a wing-man.

•Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you’re tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I’m ready to sleep when I start talking about space.)

•So, irl I’m a very quiet person, so I get even more quiet when I’m tired. I guess if I picked something, it’d be something I’m currently trying to write?

•Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo.

•Nachos and cheese and root beer

•Tell me about your favorite playlist at the moment.

•I’ve currently been obsessed with the Epic the Musical playlist. I have to stop myself from singing it when I listen at work

•What’s your guilty pleasure media, and why?

•Reverse harem books, especially if it’s more of a poly situation than a multiple guys are with one girl. I was always frustrated with love triangles in books growing up, because…why can’t they all just be together. It was a pretty blaring flag that I was poly, now that I think about it.

•Extras

•My favorite color is purple. I love cats. I enjoy anime or animated shows/movies over live action. I collect pins, rocks/crystals, and stuffed animals. I hate certain food textures.

There are lots of cute details here to consider and prioritize when I was considering your match, but your being a writer won out. I can’t not pair a writer with Guy, you know?

Despite the same hobby/vocation, I love the small ways you contrast each other as well. Guy’s extroverted, bombastic nature would be such a cute foil to your introverted, quiet self. You’re a cat person; I imagine Guy as a dog person. These differences keep things interesting and balanced but not discordant, you know? I also think Guy is one of the redacted bois most likely to be poly/a romantic anarchist, so that’s another factor that would make y’all work so well. (He’d have similar feelings about love triangles, and a couple that bitches together stays together /hj /pos)

Guy would be such a charming boyfriend- not necessarily an easy one to an introvert but definitely a charming one. You two have writing sessions that are meant to be done quietly, in tandem, and they never are, always interrupted by Guy’s stream of consciousness and sidetracked thoughts spoken out loud. (Somehow, you still always get so much written. He’s very inspiring that way.) You two adopt both a cat and a dog that get along a lot better than anyone would expect. Guy always feels in his bones when you’re not having a great day and comes home with a new rock or pin for collection.

Song:

And that's because I wanna be your favorite boy/ I wanna be the one that makes your day/ The one you think about as you lie awake/ I can't wait to be your number one/ I'll be your biggest fan and you'll be mine

The song I picked for y’all isn’t necessarily one I think you’d both like per se, though it’s very catchy; I picked it because it’d make a good soundtrack to your love story. It makes me think of Guy falling in love with you, falling first, and being like “just you wait, I am going to win you over”, like he wants to be your favorite boy, your boyfriend, but best friend/roommate is a good start.

Runner-ups:

Huxley is a cute runner-up for you as an ambivert, but I especially love how often he’d bring you rocks and crystals for your collection, maybe even getting you a special shelf to display them on. Camelopardalis is your other runner-up, because he’s one loving partner away from falling in love with cats; he just needs someone to show him the way.

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[nikatyler]

Zeph 1.0 ✨

Surprise. I wanna archive my very first bg3 run over here also, because it's pain in the ass to revisit it on twitter. I didn't quite live tweet this one, but I tweeted it a bunch too. The usual applies, spoilers are inevitable*, do with that what you want, and as per usual, if you haven't played this game yet: Go. Play. It. NOW. 😡

*but also this one is wayyyy less spoilery than my livetweeting of later runs haha

So let's go back to the beginning, March 7. Little Nika had no idea she's about to unleash her greatest hyperfixation since her Winx Club days.

I'm feeling like. Proper shy about this game 💀 It's just a game these people are fake no need to feel shy you'll hurt no one's feelings dammit

(it's still installing btw, because apparently my internet hates me today of all days)

Still about 80 minutes to go 💀 my own stupid ass anxiety will kill me before that

(x)

nice

(x)

FIVE MINUTES UNTIL I LOSE THE LAST SHRED OF MY SANITY BESTIES

(x)

friends i'm too shy to click the play button

(x)

See this is why I have zero friends because I'm too intimidated to even open a game with people who DON'T ACTUALLY EXIST alright alright i'll go do it you know i want to and i know i want to but i'm gonna sit here blushing like a fool the entire time

I also need to yell before I do a new thing

I'm in

Being a complicated asexual means I have no ducking idea if I want it or not Eh we're going with it

Yes I suppose this will now be the live thread of my initial thoughts and shenanigans, welcome welcome, or use that cute little mute button if you don't care ✨

I can already tell I'll have only two facial expressions playing this game: 👁️👄👁️ and 👁️🫦👁️

That was some fucked up asmr right there in the beginning. 10/10

Fuck it whomst do we create now chat Do we do it Do I do that thing we talked about

I'm overwhelmed by the amount of ways I could go about this, I think I'll create a random character at first and then when I play some other time I'll bring my boi in when I know better what to do and how 🫣

Girl help I don't know what kind of character I want to play with

As someone who dropped out of university I kinda feel like I need to have this hair 💀

them need a name (idk why i said it like that but i'm keeping it my brain is mush ok)

aintnoway it's been 15 minutes and i still haven't picked a name, am i possibly overthinking this? does anyone get the vibe that i'm overthinking this because i certainly feel like there may be a chance that i'm overthinking this

BUT I AM HAVING FUN I PROMISE

I'm still playing I just have nothing to say, I'm learning, and I'm waiting to meet you know who

Here we go 😗

Had dinner irl and I feel like I should take a break but so far I'm loving this! I'm a bit dumb but eh we'll get there. Would love to try out the multiplayer at some point (but don't count on it, I say that now and then I'll be too anxious to play with you 💀)

(x)

I just realized my guy Zeph (they/them) looks like a yassified Ladislaus the Posthumous and idk what to do with that information

here's a slightly better look at my guy. do i need to say i'd die for them

(x)

babes the minecraft hole will be abandoned for another game i'm afraid

(x)

That little thingy that tells you the character approves will ruin my life. Pathological people-pleaser reporting for duty 🫡

(x)

Y'all weren't lying this game is addicting

(x)

i'm so fucking weak already he just lays there like that and i fgjklsdfsjkljdsf thoughts i will not handle this game well

(x)

i'm so schoolgirl with a crush coded at the moment it's so embarrassing

(x)

I haven't played bg3 since before lunch

Midnight and I still haven't played it's been like almost 12 hours at this point I'm completely normal abt this

I'm too tired but I want to play but it would be a bad idea but I mean I'm dumb at this game anyway so what's the harm but I don't want to mess up but ok bed first ig

(x)

did someone ask for homemade niche memes that only apply to me

(he would get it though)

wait that picture is even funnier than i intended for it to be bc like this happened canonically in the nsb legacy, he burned because i was too busy doing something else

(x)

I killed my character 💀 whoopsie it's reload time sorry bud

(x)

Teehee won a battle and knew what I was doing most of the time, maybe I'm getting better at this

I'll go put some lasagna in the oven and continue playing

(x)

Chanting "eat shit, eat shit, eat shit" in a very squeaky voice every time an enemy goes down

(x)

all too well you say?? wind in my hair i was there i remember it all too well?? did you leave your scarf at his sister's house???

(x)

lemme tell you how to make my simple bi ass happy

i'm bi first and people pleaser second. or vice versa. dunno

(x)

Oh yissss the bite scene here we go :3

(x)

oh don't you worry i will so be on my vigilante shit for you

(x)

Not to be weird again but this game is unlocking emotions I didn't know I had

(x)

You know how I thought I was getting better 💀 yeah nvm it's reload after reload today 💀

(x)

Oop I'm already on 14 hours 🫢

(x)

Okay I'm gonna play for just like five minutes and then go to bed If I'm still online at 2am you're allowed to yell at me

lord save me I said five minutes

I'm showing great restraint right now

(x)

Oh something is happening ohhh something is happening can my laptop catch up and stop lagging pls

(x)

You know it's gonna be so jover for me and I'm gonna be so beyond saving when I start putting together detailed information about my boi Zeph

(they/them btw, I call them boi or bud but in a nonbinary way)

Also can't decide what Zeph is short for. Was their deadname Joseph and they kept just half of it? Is their full first name Zephyros or something? What's their full full name? See it starts with little things like this but give me an hour and I'll have their full history 💀

(x)

Big spiders...big fucking spiders ;----;

(x)

hELLO

fuck that's not the best screenshot i could've taken 💀 I PANICKED OKAY

live nika reaction

Why do I get the feeling *everybody* wants to have fun with me

i didn't click it yet guys i'm 💀💀💀

so do i torture myself and leave it to tomorrow or do i go back in the game now? 👀

Fuck it let's go asexuality leaving my body as we speak

Oh boy

👁️👄👁️ gnight

(x)

My sibling: *sends me a picture of their blorbo* Me: THAT'S NEAT, ALSO I F🤭CKED MY BLORBO YESTERDAY

And yes, those are our first messages today. No "good morning, have a nice day", more like "so this fictional man dammit", straight to the point 😌

Asking the real questions (abt their blorbo)

(x)

Having an Annabeth Chase in Mark of Athena moment (and I don't mean that I'm doing something smart, I mean there's spiders)

FUCK YEAHHHHH WE WON (and almost died) (and in Zeph's case literally died) (but we're so back) (seriously though why do I always manage to kill just my character) (this was the worst battle I hate spiders I hate spiders so much)

I'm still shaking 😭

Having a real dummy day, besides the spider fight I'm not doing well 💀

nvm we got the pwetty book, it only took me like an hour to get here, it's fine😂

the blood, i like it 😌😏

(x)

Oop I've got over 24 hours in the game already 🤭

btw I don't think I ever told you, my savefile name is "girl help"

Also I just quickly hopped in again now but I didn't really do much, I'm too tired to think at this point, I'll probably go to bed soon. I thought I figured something but nah not really and then I accidentally crashed the game oops 💀 my bad

(x)

bi panic intensifies

(x)

Something about me forgetting there could be traps and letting Zeph run straight through them over and over again…no wonder they're always on the verge of death 😭🤣

(x)

um yeah i guess we weren't supposed to do that huh 💀

Don't worry, I reloaded 💀

(x)

I miss my boi Zeph I wish I could be playing rn

They are so getting a backstory and like actual development once I get more into the lore and everything, just watch. And then we'll come full circle and I'll create them in ts4

(x)

we are here

sorry not sorry but also occasionally i'm too self aware so i will be sorry but most of the time i will just not be sorry. sorry about that. but actually not sorry. sorry --

(x)

[the-trans-advice-blog]

Long Vent, apologies in advance (feel free to ignore this):

I'm a bit worried about whether I can transition (legally and medically) cause I live in south africa and I'm just scared the seemingly lack of formalized trans healthcare is gonna fuck stuff up for me, doesn't really help that I everyone I know and know of irl is cis, every single person besides me is cis. And my non-transphobic parents still don't believe that I'm not their little girl even after being out to them for about 2 years. And they're the most liberal family members i have, the rest are extremely conservative and transphobic. And I'm just fucking scared. For fucks sake I don't even have the guarantee of hearing or reading my name anywhere each day. Like atleast I've got a few friends who are extremely supportive of me (one of them continuesly telling me that she does not understand why anyone ever thinks I'm a girl cause I already pass as a cis guy lol) and it fucking sucks that my school is a conservative Christian school (not like america public schools can be religious here) where I was the second "girl" to have a short haircut in the entire school and it's a massive fucking school. Counting me atleast there's 4 people who have short "boy" hair and have to wear the girls' uniform. On that topic I fucking hate that I can't be out to teachers, the teachers regularly make horribly transohobic comments without being prompted to or even knowing about the one half-out trans kid (me). Like i hear shit like teachers saying they believe trans people are truly sick in the head and that they want kids to out their trans friends (luckily my friends are nice enough not to do that) and I hate the girl's uniform I gotta wear and I hate it all and I've still gotta deal with high school for 2 and ¾ years. And idk my mental health has been really bad lately and this all doesn't help, and i love being trans, I just want to atleast be tolerated for it amd have a bit more stable future planned in terms of transition. And I want my parents to fucking be able to help with that, they're wonderful parents otherwise sonjwnush I could just rely on them a little for some of this shit.

idk I'm just scared and tired and dysphoric and I feel very very alone

(On another note, I appreciate your blog a lot, you're cool)

I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this. Obviously there’s nothing I can say to make it magically better but I hope you do know there’s a huge community out there who’s happy to support you in whatever ways we can. I’m not sure how safe online spaces are for you if your family is conservative but you’ll always have a safe space here to talk about whatever you need to. I hope one day you can get out if you want to, or that something’s changes in the area you’re in. High school is the worst, especially being trans, but I know that you can get through it! I’m really happy you have some supportive friends, and if I were you I’d maybe try to make some online ones if you haven’t already just because it seems like the people around you won’t be very safe.

I wish you luck on your journey and I really hope things get better for you.

[nipplelick]

welcome to waycestblr... nice url, as carden already said. have any waycest thoughts you'd like to share with the class? -@waycesticles

oh holy shit i feel like im being initiated into a cult. its fucking awesome.

and boy. do i have thoughts.

i love when their dynamic is very tortured. like its unrequited, but its actually not. one of them has too many hangups to let themselves admit it.

me and a beloved friend are building a story where that happens! im not gonna go into detail bc i don't wanna spoil their fic, but there's also a bit of petekey involved, so there's elements of replacing what you really want with something else and insane jealousy and obsession. and UGH i could talk about our little au forever. im obsessed with it.

i just love the unhealthier side of things. one of my favorite little lines in a fanfic EVER is about the bros pushing down nausea when they're having sex for the first time. bc they KNOW its wrong and gross but they want each other so much. they just gotta push through it. its tragic and disgusting and SO romantic.

while the toxic stuff is great and fascinating and hot, i think the main reason i love this ship is because of the innate closeness they have. gee and mikey, just irl, are obviously uniquely close. i don't know many siblings who are like "being cooped up in a gross van with my sibling for weeks on end sounds doable, even enjoyable, bc we naturally like to be that close and spend that much time together". that shit is insane. and beautiful. and i'm very drawn to the idea of that connection, romantic/sexual or not.

but i gotta make it sexual bc i am a massive perv and they're both hot. and also gerard is clearly also some kind of perv. look at my fucking pfp. i don't have any reason to believe anything seriously incesty has actually happened, but i just know gerard has thought about it.

idk if that made much sense. i'm tired and i've mostly eaten candy all day so my brain isn't on 100% power. but yeah. those are the preliminary waycest thoughts. i have some other, smaller, more specific ones, but i'm gonna give those their own posts and spread them out. maybe try to make something out of em before i set em loose.

also. holy shit. youre waycesticles. bro your fics mean sm to me. ur a certified mircocelebrity bc i freaked out a lil bit when i read this.

thank you for the welcome! im excited to be here😈

[draculagerard]

unacceptable. i ADORE talking to you and seeing your on my dash/in my inbox

You're SOOO funny. like a broad range of humor imo. you're sometimes a silly goofy little guy, sometimes you're my friend teasing me (in a way that's never hurt my feelings!), sometimes you're a tired babysitter (cough, cough, randy's sticks). you get the beat that goes with humor and ur jokes always at the very least make me smile

you're SOOOOOO nice. not just to me. it makes me SOOOO happy to see you interact with other mutuals (or ur mutuals sometimes) because you're always super fun and sweet. and then when i'm in that seat i'm always super at eas because yeah this guy's not gonna like. be a dick :3. he's super nice actually! also this is like, normal and expected, but i feel like i can talk to you and change the subject when talking to you (which why is this important? it's just one of my insecurities and my irls aren't the best at letting me talk so that fact i feel alright with talking to you is rlly nice :3)

small mention that you're like super creative and skilled and you get colors and pacing and all that super well. ur art, ur amvs, hell ur theme rn are always BANGERS and i'm so happy to see them

i love when you ramble to me about any of your interests! even if you're telling me something that isn't particularity wild. maybe it's just be i adore listening in general but your way of talking (well, typing but. blah specifies don't matter) keeps my attention well and makes me happy to see you in my dms. and while i may bully you a bit for your interests they're always pretty uhmmmm enthralling? feels weird to use "interesting" to describe and interest because like yeah that's the point

as far as i know you're such a good person!!! not only because i like..agree w/ u about everything. but just bringing back the point of "sweet" with this but you just seem so kind!!! and very smart! i think you can be very media literate but also have fun with fanon and shit which i admire (i wonder why.......[looks at block list])

uhmm i don't mean to like. repeat myself but really the fact that i don't feel judged by you is fantastic. i rlly struggle with the idea that i'm annoying or like. "cringe" but like even if i didn't think you were like. also weird i think i still wouldn't feel judged uhm. in summary ur rlly nice and kind and funny and smart and i love seeing you on my dash and there's plenty of other things i can list if i gave myself more time to think but i've been ignoring the fact i'm hungry rn so cutting it short to eat. yadda yadda your great and i think you deserve a lot more in this world and so stop being mean to urself that's my friend that i'm fond of. blah. uhmm uhh derri already claimed kuromi so this is us

also other ppl are fond of u btw. i find it hard to believe that you don't make a lot of other people smile. also a tip!! try looking at yourself like you're not yourself y'know? i'm under the belief we're all always so mean to ourselves because it's easy to not feel guilty about it. but like if you were someone else and you called that person a friendless burden then you'd feel bad because nobody's a friendless burden y did you do that. y'know??????? also this is rambley because i'm hunger personified rn, bye bye :3

LOVE YOU HAZ…..

[that-crazy-australian]

About what happened to me? I'm feeling sleep deprived and very tired. So okay.

I grew up in a family that after I was no longer a child, would seperate. My parents cannot stand each other. And I have no idea why. Maybe it's because they had four kids together. Maybe they just realised that they no longer loved each other. Will I ever know the truth? I don't fucking know.

All I know are the feelings I felt in watching my own mother move out of the house before I did. Of the feelings I felt when my father started having someone over. Wouldn't say what she was, and denied everything. Later she moves in. My mum didn't do this. She actually adopted two puppies and got the place they planned to move into together when they retired. Only they didn't. She moved in and he got the house, and us.

I didn't have a traumatic past. I grew up as a normal child, or as normal as one can be I suppose. I had few friends as a child. This has not changed. Getting to know people irl is not always easy for me. I have trouble understanding people, and their motives.

Currently I have a small friend group, and a friend I hang out with independently. We actually caught up today and watched anime. It was nice.

The older I get, both the more and less I understand. About people. And about the world.

But life is never easy. I watched my attempts fail at everything I did. No matter what I did. I'm not a social butterfly, and I'm sometimes misunderstood, but I do try. I'm not perfect. The more I live, the more I learn.

I learnt the "joys" of job seeking. Of expectations. My parents bringing up grandchildren. In a world in which I'm struggling to establish myself for my future, they wanted me to put it aside, put aside my wants and dreams, my desires and everything.. to have a child.

This is something I NEVER want, and have never said I wanted. I don't want to be a parent. It was starting to bother me. I just want to be happy.

Watching my siblings succeed where I did not was not easy. I was being crushed by the weight of expectations of where I should be in life by now. I was crushed by never feeling good enough. Or of being enough.

I suffered one of the worst days in my life this year. I took my dog to the vet with my mum, and he was put down. His health had been slowly declining for a while, and it was one of the hardest things I've done. I went home and cried some more.

He would have been 17 in two months. I miss him so much. I was having a shitty day, and I thought about when I'd be home feeling sad, and I'd sit on the floor and cross my legs, and he'd sit in the gap and lick my face. And I realised I'd never see him again.

My dad got the box. I don't think we were ready.

I discovered online chat rooms, and witnessed several things. Met a bunch of people that parents DO warn their kids about. They all slowly disappeared. I never questioned where they went. Also met a revolving door of characters, some of whom I do still talk to.

I get told I "chose a side" by someone I ended up drifting away from. There's always the feeling that there's something happening in the background that I don't know about. This is proven when there is action in one of the servers I'm in, and several people get booted. I get told a few things later.

I find out that someone I thought was a friend was saying awful, nasty things behind my back. She didn't get booted from the server. Neither was the one actually bullying me. Felt like no one cared about me. I never felt important, or special. There was always an inner circle, and I was never a part of it.

I made new friends, started a Tumblr account. Joined a dnd group, and found things to do with my time.

I spent time with those I can. And of my remaining dog. Twice a month I go to a job employment place that does fuck all, and is exactly the same as the last. The people I talk to come and go.

Sometimes they suggest things to me. I need to get out more and meet people, one says. So I started volunteering on Tuesdays. This is the fourth place I've volunteered at. It's all the same.

The places are all the same too. I apply to jobs, go to my appointment and tell them I've applied for jobs. They ask if anything has changed and every time I tell them it hasn't.

I get told I'm doing everything right. I show up to appointments, I apply to jobs, I'm clearly taking this seriously. I've had things said to me that make me think other people they deal with aren't as easy to deal with as me. I go home. I wait two weeks and go back.

I'm told I have until the end of the year at the current place before either they get me a job, or I move to a new agency. It's all the same. The current one is agency number six. I have low expectations.

It's August now. I have four months, and then I'll move on to place number seven. And it'll be exactly the same. I wonder what the point is sometimes.

I'm alone in an empty house. I sleep alone, and I wake up alone. What day is it again? Oh. Time for my appointment.

Write about the things that happened to you. Write badly. Write without editing, and without ego. Put it all down on paper and breathe easier. Publish it. Burn it. Show a friend who you've never had the courage to tell using the spoken word. Do anything but put it back in a drawer where it will linger in the dark.

Let it out into the light.

[ekebolou]

The Substack is Live

Heya friends

So the substack now has the first five chapters of Kostas (starting here), all of Academy Days: Arrival (starting here), and one bit of personal rambling! Which I'll also just post below the cut.

I've decided I'll go back to my roots and publish Kostas serially, but wanted to give you enough of something to go on, so first five chapters are up. Maybe I'll get tired of it (I love/hate routine!) and go on a spree eventually, because there's 46 chapters, but for now I thought it might be nice to have some dependable material to look forward to each week.

Publishing serial-fashion also provides me a basis for pushing myself to write something about process each week, which is honestly probably good for my health. I used to do it a lot more, but it's felt sort of extraneous lately, so it'll be nice to share thoughts again (I say, petrified of sharing thoughts). No promises on quality.

Anyway, this'll be on the substack too, under Assorted Ramblings, because I'm not exactly sure how on-theme I'll be. In true old-school internet goblin fashion, I've just typed it the fuck up in the editor, no drafts no gods no masters, so expect whatever that means for style and comprehension.

I'll get all the side stories up and some of the other material like Tenor Group on there probably starting next week (it's controlled compulsion, right? Gotta space it out or I'll end up down a burnt-out rabbit hole). I'm trying to keep as non-annoying as possible, which means I'm hopeful there will be enough interest that it will be shared word of mouth, and those interested are welcome to subscribe, but hopefully won't be bothered with a million emails or anything. I can't vouch for substack itself, but I'm going to try to keep it to notifications of posts and that's it. I don't even know what else you would want to know about it.

Check below the cut for the sort of sample dumbassery you can expect from the Assorted Ramblings, including a brief story about what happened when I had my first irl friend read the manuscript! (it wasn't great)

Hello and welcome, I suppose, though there is a welcome page somewhere. This is an inaugural post in what I hope will be series of posts about, generally speaking, my writing, world building, and other, loosely-associated things.

These are generally off the cuff. But, honestly, so is most of this stuff - that’s part of what makes it fun. Needless to say, I wouldn’t take any of this as advice, exemplar, or dictum. I just like this stuff and my liking of stuff can sometimes have the air of method but it’s really just loosey-goosey, this is what happened here, not a place of honor stuff.

And speaking of advice, exemplar, and dictums…

The original title of the original file of the original story-that-would-become Kostas is titled ‘never finish’ (dot odt, I think… I can’t recall but it may have gone back to my WordPerfect days). It more or less, quite seriously, ‘came to me in a dream’, which doesn’t make it more valid or good - my dreams can be vivid shit - but did make it compelling, as it was so complete. Not the plot (fuck me, it’s never the plot), but the concept. The concept is essentially a bundle of tropes, so that makes sense, but still: very vivid, very compelling. Very much not what I wanted to write or what I was writing at the time or what I imagined myself being comfortable with writing in the future. But too much to not write it down so I did and thought maybe it would exorcise itself from my skull.

It did not.

And there was an inherent challenge in it that I should have realized would be too provoking to ignore.

Anyway, many permutations of it and life later, I thought, yeah, fuck it, let’s try to actually publish it. You wrote it, it’s novel length (absurdly over that, actually), let’s do it.

There’s a lot of writing advice out there, and a lot of publishing advice, and they’re two different things. And the thing about publishing is that you’re asking the carnies for tips on how to win the carnival games (Nothing against carnival folk or publishing people, both are lovely). Obviously my advice and perspective there isn’t useful, but I did come around to the idea that it wasn’t doing anything to actually build my skills in the ways I wanted them built and the prize was actually quite shit (fun shit? possibly! fun games? sometimes! Worth it? YMMV). Lots of things are like that.

One of the first things I did was get a friend to read the manuscript. My first venture out of the safely anonymized and largely self-selecting audience the stories had online, and an incredible risk, in my eyes. One I knew I had to be ready to take, for sure, but nonetheless.

If not the first sentence, then somewhere in the first paragraph or so, I used a perfectly cromulent word. I don’t remember what it was - it’s fallen out of the text since then, but some real Victorian doozy of a descriptor. A real word, natch, but a humdinger of English vocabulary. The suggestion to remove that word - which I resisted, it was the right word, you see - was the only thing my friend had to say. After that, my friend redirected to watching a piece of media they particularly enjoyed and had wanted to show me, and the meeting ended (as did any interest in that piece of media, an unfortunate side effect of how underwhelmingly terrible this first venture had gone).

In terms of writing critiques for the ages, this doesn’t even chart, but it did solidify something for me in the sea of crap (it’s not all crap) advice for writers I was swimming in at the moment.

The readers are either on board, or they’re not, and the sooner you can let them figure that out, the better. That’s what a whole chunk of writing advice out there is trying to get you to do. All this stuff about ‘no prologues’ (I have a prologue), ‘start in the middle of excitement, action’, ‘draw the reader in’ etc etc, is not because the advice works somehow, but because it gets people to that ‘on board or not’ question faster, and for the most part, the aim of published writing is to get people on board.

And, look, there’s a lot of good reasons to do that, and it can absolutely be good, productive, non-cynical advice. But if they’re not on board, fuck ‘em (that is very much not what the writing advice is leading you to).

That is, I realized, that this was the story. That didn’t mean it was some of kind pure muse-puke being fed to me baby-bird-like, or unchangeable - after all, the ‘right’ word did eventually fall out, though I think I held onto it for a bit out of sheer stubbornness, and the first chapter of Kostas is, indeed, a fine distillation of dropping readers in the middle of the action - but, you’ll also notice, that almost nothing like that happens again until the climax of the story.

There is totally a mass-market publishable version of this story in there, a version that might’ve kept my friend’s attention for more than a millisecond, but that wasn’t what I had done or what I was interested in doing with it. You can win a game of horseshoes in your backyard and fuck up the ringtoss at the fair. I was interested in using Kostas to learn about writing and get better at it. It was, essentially, a challenge to myself (had been, from the get-go, to write in a genre I was neither comfortable with nor writing in at the time, but which I had this idea for). What the first chapter (or prologue, actually, because there’s a prologue, y’all) had to do was not get the readers on board, but let them figure out if they could withstand the story for the long haul. Because it’s not a military action story, it’s melodrama in uniform. That perfectly cromulent word was perfectly cromulent. It didn’t make it to the final drafts because it wasn’t elegant.

I wrote the prologue after, read a bunch of self-serious horseshittery about ‘any submission with a prologue I throw in the trash’ and did what I was going to do anyway (and probably ended up in the trash!)

And all of this is in reflection of finally re-reading this thing for the first time in a few years and going ‘oh holy fuck, did you overdo this?’ I mean, damn. “Regret was a luxury of peace, and Cole knew they warred still” - who talks like that? Holy shit. “He did not carry the burden of preferring humility” - well, actually, that’s a good bit of characterization. There is no ‘blessed are the humble’ here.

Actually, no, I did write it that way on purpose.

That opening image, of the bloody leaves - it’s exaggerration. We’re not talking shell warfare here. People aren’t getting annihilated by artillery. It’s psychological. It’s the peak of a peak of absorbing, personal, ever-present violence. It’s how it feels, and has felt for so long it’s like nature, and this arrogant creature is of it, and it’s all coming headlong to an end, and like a cat overshooting its bowl he’s about to faceplant into a wall.

The audience needs to get really hard into it at the highest pitch and feel it abruptly end. And if you can’t withstand “the mist rising” and “ponderous leaves” and “Cole knew they warred still” you’re not going to like the story. Because the major emotional moments hinge on high melodrama, and you’ve got to at least be into it a little. So while hopefully there’s some narrative variety (there’s got to be, the fucker in interminably long), the first chapter puts on display the key kinds of things the reader will need to put up with to get into it. And maybe they won’t, and it’ll be a classic wallbanger (though for the sake of your digital devices, I hope not), but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Anyway, it’s also serial fiction - that’s why it’s so long - and not a novel, and maybe that’s what I’ll talk about next time, since I’ve opted to re-post it in that way to try to review the story’s best sides, so to speak. Or maybe I’ll just post a bunch of pictures of temperate broadleaf forest biomes and talk about trees. who knows.

[1d1195]

WHY IS HE LIKE THAT OMG THAT IS TORTURE😭 A girl can only have so much patience! Yes! That line about the Faks was everything! So subtle yet so perfect! Truly did not expect them to go to the hospital like that but it’s so them lol

Men are whiny! But yeah essentially i know what you mean lol 

I'm SO glad meeting up with your high school friend went well! And I hope the one you met up with Monday night went just as well!! Of course I will be sending the best vibes for you bestie when you're with your family because we all know family stuff is so 😭 BUT YES GET THOSE DEALS!! And I think Target has a 20% thing for teachers and students for this week! Is there any book(s) you're excited to read?

We saw the movie “I USed To Be Funny” and “Sam” was the main character so she wasn’t 100% perfect BUT it really makes sense for the plot! It’s not an easy watch since it deals with sensitive topics but it’s not horrible lol Overall she wasn’t a horrible character lol I can only imagine having such shit representation of Sam/Samantha’s! It must be so tiring lol I cannot lie I have disliked Sam/Samanth’s in shows before and irl lol Like I love trash reality tv so Jersey Shore is one of my faves and there's a girl named Sam on there and ngl Im a hater lol

Anyways!! MOST PART TWO OMG SAM 😭 I was so hoping( me being delusional) that they would make up before they started college but alas I was wrong lol But once again I LOVE it for the plot! Idk where to start bestie because it was so good! I loved how long it was and it truly did NOT feel like it was too much! Loved getting to know some backstory for both of their characters! Knowing how both of them were so SAD and hollow without each other was just so hard to read only because it’s just so heartbreaking to see two soul mates being apart 😭 Especially that part with the two little kids like you were breaking ME! But them both saying that they are TAKEN?!😭 hello?!? Now that is so heartbreaking but kinda heartwarming at the same since they truly own each other's hearts😭 also loved that the MC has Addie! She truly needed her! And Carter is so sweet omg! But now…. dare I say I was so annoyed that yet again Lauren was even remotely near harry! And my man is seriously going out his way to see her?! Like i know he’s reaching because he wants to somewhat be close with the MC BUT IF HE ONLY KNEW THAT LAUREN PLANTED THAT EVIL SEED😭I truly wonder if he ever will find out lol BUT OMG I'M EXCITED TO SEE WHY IS HE BACK IN TOWN??? HOW DOES SHE FEEL SEEING HARRY AGAIN??! Many questions lol but you did so amazing Sam! It was so perfect! 

Sending all the love Sam! Hope the week is going so smoothly! Love you lots!-💜

Okay side note i forgot to mention that piece jump… bestie your mind is just amazing! Truly like that alone could is already so GOOD literal chills!!

----

I saw a post that said having a bf is like having a dumb son 💀 I'm just going to leave that there to resonate with everyone 😭 WE FINISHED THE SEASON THOUGH 🎉 I'm def not a S3 fan but I get what they were trying to do. It was a cool season but I feel like overall the pieces didn't perfectly fit together like in a overarching storyline. My bf and I discussed how many seasons we think it's going to be. I'm very much a proponent of don't ruin a show by doing more just because so I'm hoping that tbh it should only be 4. I think that would wrap up things nicely. But he thinks it'll be 5 (which I COULD let slide) or even 6 (which honestly I'll riot). I can't watch Carmy be a dumbass for three more seasons. So intriguing either way though. Very curious to see where it leads!

I had a great time with my friend on Monday as well! Still lowkey dreading the family stuff but trying to be positive. Gotta pack for a long weekend to stay with them. i feel like i bring my whole wardrobe when I visit in the summer because the weather is so unpredictable and I sweat through 20 outfits a day.

YES Target Circle is there for teachers between now and Aug 24. So I have to fill up my cart strategically and figure out what I need. Which means I need to go to my classroom and set stuff up so I can see what I need.

BOOKS. Lord, like all 20 I keep buying. I just got Kate Quinn's new novel. I'm fairly certain I've mentioned her 1000 times on here so I'm VERY excited to dive in on that. I also have The Lioness of Boston and tbh no idea what it's about but I'm a big fan of Boston. I was actually just thinking I have to update the book rec list I have because I thought of like three more books that I LOVED so much but I've let others borrowed them and I haven't gotten them back to look at on my shelf so I FORGOT completely. But I'm also looking to read this never ending pile I've accumulated. Even though I'm doing much better than I was at the beginning of the month I can't really get my brain to read still. But I'm supplementing by binging TV and writing hehehe

Hmm! I will probs give it a watch when it comes out on a streaming service hehehe. In def piqued my interest! Sammi on the Jersey Shore was throughout the first couple years of when I was in high school so it wasn't enjoyable 😭

Sad and hollow is a great way to describe them! I might steal that! Very glad it didn't feel too long! Like it wasn't dragging. I feel like sometimes i just add stuff that pops into my head and I never know if it's really going to enhance what I'm getting at (my bf reminded me of that for chapters in the personal writing workshop he's been giving me that there is no such thing as filler chapters 🙄) But anyway! You know I love to write about little kids and thought it would be a fun little analogy hehehe She did need Addie! And Carter! I almost didn't give her anybody and was just going to make her alone AF. But I changed my mind, I wanted her to have somebody. Harry's got a whole team with their friend group so she needed someone! Everyone who's been reading HATES Lauren so you're not alone. I just like to be dramatic. I hope he figures out she's a bitch 😅👀 Very glad you liked the Jump part too! I was a bit nervous about it being extra or whatever so I'm glad it was nice 😅😅

I think part 3 will answer all your questions! 💕😉 thank you so much for reading as always 💕 Hope you have a great rest of your week and a fun weekend planned!

xoxo

[dnalkaline]

ugh nobody actually has to read this i just feel like i need to type all my thoughts out somewhere or i'll explode.

I know like 9-12k$ isn't like impossible to get but it feels so daunting and i know barely anyone will reblog or donate to my GFM if i made one (as always happens for my medical shit. even for my pets) so idk what the fuck do even do about this. I'm trying not to be cynical about it but that's just been the running theme since. literally my entire life. i don't even know why i bother anymore

Honestly i have no hope for my future if that shit grows back and leaves me in the same amount of pain as someone going through labor multiple times a year AGAIN i think i will actually kill myself for real. im sick of this shit.

like this isn't even a dysphoria thing it's something that could ACTUALLY kill me through blood clots and nobody in my life IRL even fucking cares. My mom has enough money to just pay for a hysterectomy out of pocket for me without it being a huge deal to her and she just fucking won't and just keeps telling me to harass my insurance about it despite this being months of back-and-forth and i can already feel my endo symptoms growing back.

My insurance flat-out told me they'll only approve it if it keeps growing back and i have to go through surgery to remove it multiple times. This isn't even counting the fact I also have CYSTS that need to be removed because they're also causing pain and my insurance just... won't fucking approve it

The symptoms are already coming back after my most recent surgery and I'm still having periods despite the fact I'm POST-MENOPAUSE.

I don't understand why people keep preventing me from committing suicide just to not actually help me with the reasons why I keep trying to kill myself. it feels cruel. People say to reach out or whatever and then go radio silent. it feels so performative. I don't even mean that i expect my friends to give me money because i know everyone has problems but it feels like i keep being ignored and people make a point to not even reblog my help posts. It's always like the same 3 people getting in touch.

at this rate i hope i die. everyone keeps telling me it'll get better and i just have to go on but my entire life is me getting out of the frying pan and into the fire. Therapy hasn't been helping anymore because all the depression isn't like trauma shit it's just the poverty and the fact life keeps actively trying to get me killed by any means necessary all the time. I'm exhausted.

I'm tired of being the sick friend that's treated like the elephant in the room just because i can't fucking do anything and every inch of my life is just another walking trigger warning to people. I've become self conscious about needing to walk with mobility aids now because I feel like it's just another reminder of my fragility and inevitable demise to people.

I just don't fucking get it. i metaphorically break my back all the time to help other people with their shit but i barely get anything in return (except from the same few ppl i mentioned earlier and i am very grateful you guys are real friends). like. am i doing something wrong. am i just an unlikable person. i know people think i'm scary which i try to offset by being nice but i don't know if it's working.

I'm only alive right now because all of the fucking demon pacts and other spirit work i do causing me to avoid stuff and get more opportunities and I feel stupid about it because that's not even stuff that most people believe in and can't even be proven to be real.

i dont even know where im going with this im tired and i want to give up. fuck life. i actively despise life most of the time. I guess I just have to keep clinging to my blorbos i dont fucking know. whatveer.

[sehunniepotwrites]

my goodness 🥹 U HAVENT FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME 🥹🥹🥹 i feel so loved rn <3 but OMG why do all your ideas sound so INTERESTING 🤩🤩🤩 i can't wait to read them all it has been such a long time since i've read nice pieces (but partially also because i don't even know where or who is even writing on here anym :/ ) BUT I RLY CANT WAIT for the jae one 😊😊😊 there's a reason why im peach afterall hehehehe <3

oh my you graduated!!! 🤡 how much have i missed in your life seriously :/ but your job sounds rly exciting!! im glad that you're doing whatchu wanna do please make sure that as much as it gets tiring, u r still taking care of urself and finding ways to stay positive!! 😊 ouhie and don't stress over writing too much! i'm sure everyone doesn't mind waiting at all so no stress!! hehehehe wb life outside of work!! have u been spending good time w your friends and family too?

my LIFE has been constantly changing hehehe i think the last time i updated u was before i even went to university and now im already in my third year of university 🥹🥹🥹 time rly rly flies 🫣 im SOOOO busy and it's SOOOOO tiring but im just trying to take it easy and to handle everything that comes my way step by step. well the only thing that is extremely tough for me now and is rly taking a huge toll on me is my LDR :/ (yes i somehow found a male peach while i was gone jdienfkenfj) but well male peach is on exchange and rn i have managed to pull through half of it, and in dec everything will be back to normal!! its just rly tiring because of the time diff between us and just generally because of my insecurities and the unfortunate circumstances of male peach's exchange that all the other hoomans on exchange w male peach r females 🤡 but ILL TELL U SLOWLY ABOUT ALL THESE <3

love, 🍑 that misses u loads!!

AH YES I GRADUATED <333 I HAVE A MASTER'S DEGREE NOW!!! today was really rough so seeing your msg really brightened up my day. trying to stay pos through all the struggles, man.

i've gotten a bit of my social life back after graduation so that's great. did lots of traveling--i met smoll-tangerine (queenie) and ppangjae (alex) over the summer hehehe!!! besties finally meeting irl!!! going out and grabbing drinks and singing karaoke with my friends is always a great time. but istg, some of the situations in my life are like a fanfic, bro i can't believe these things actually happened. even queenie and alex were like nik, wtf!!!!! and guess WHAT? imma write stories based on those experiences too!

i'd LOVE to hear more about how you've been!! omg third year already?? time really flies, huh! and yay male peach!!! ldr's are rough, i had some experience with that, so i get you there.

and as for fics, all my ideas are so fleshed out in my mind, i really wish i could put the image in my head into my docs!!! and since you're my lil peach, here's a bit of my jae ideas for you:

drowning in your love

GENRE. childhood best friends to enemies to lovers, college!au, swimmer!au PAIRING. (long distance) swimmer!jaehyun x (sprinter) swimmer!reader PREVIEW. Jeong Jaehyun has always known how to swim, in fact, he excelled at it—the sport was a part of his very soul. But for once in his life, he wanted to experience what it was like to drown. To succumb to the feeling of being overwhelmed. Of battling bated breath.  And it was all because of you. Jaehyun realized that he was completely infatuated with every fiber of your being. Winning gold at a meet, being observed by recruiters didn’t even compare to the amount of happiness he felt whenever he was near you.  The boy wanted nothing more than to drown in your essence, your whole being. Even more so, Jeong Jaehyun simply wanted to drown in your love.

hits different

SYNOPSIS. Many people have heard of the saying, “always the bridesmaid, never the bride.” This particular saying, more than others, has always applied to you. You believe love exists for others and that it will never be in the cards for you. You’ve experienced your one true love so early on in your life and lost it,  you don’t think you can ever love again. Unfortunate and sad as it seems, you’ve accepted the role of the bridesmaid with your entire heart so why not capitalize it? You are now one of the hottest (and secretive) commodities in the wedding scene–a bridesmaid for hire–and you are thriving in your growing business. But what if your latest gig leads you back to the love that you lost? Will assisting in the wedding planning be as easy as a summer’s breeze or as harsh as a winter storm? Will seeing him again in a different light hit differently as the last time you saw him or will it bring back all the memories of your biggest heartbreak? PAIRING. Rich Boy!Jaehyun x Poor Girl!Y/ NGENRE. Exes-to-Lovers!AU | Wedding! AU | Bridesmaid-for-Hire!AU | Arranged Marriage!AU

[mental-health-advice]

I know how to make friends, that feels easy enough. I don't overly have a hard time getting people to like me and I think that's just because I try my best to be extremely nice, so then people don't have a reason to dislike me. But becoming close to friends feel hard. All my life I've been in friend groups where everyone had a certain person or a certain few people they drift towards and I have never really been that for someone and I know it shouldn't suck but it does. I've had four friends I've kind of had that with but one lasted only for a few months and even then I feel like I didn't matter overly much to them. Another one did last for about a year which was great, but then we ended up at different schools. And the other two are online friends which counts, but it always feels different, and one of them I don't talk to anymore. And maybe that's just how friendships are meant to be, but it always feels different and feels so hard to properly connect with friends. In my current friendship group, everyone has a certain person they're especially close with, or maybe two people, and they have people they talk to all the time or hang out with often, but I can never manage to have that. I know they love me and find me fun but it just feels like that if I stopped being friends with them for whatever reason, it wouldn't actually affect their lives overly much. And I always feel like people only like me because I'm nice, like there's never anything else about me that is overly special or worth liking. And talking to them is so hard, because I don't know what to talk about with people. In groups it's fine because I can eifher listen or bounce off of multiple people but one on one is too hard and I'm always left stressing out over what to say. And I do try to message people occasionally but they either A. Don't read the message for a long time or B. They do and then our conversation is very short because I don't know what to talk to them about. The only person I can actually talk to is one of my online friends. They're easy to talk to, nobody else is. But then sometimes I feel bad because I don't want to talk to them despite them being my best friend. And even if I can talk to them, I still just wish I had someone like that irl too. This is more of a rant than anything, so I'm sorry about that. I guess I'm just tired of not being able to have a proper, strong friendship with people. Idk what you'd respond to this with since it isn't really a question so feel free to not reply if you'd like! Thank you for taking the time to read this <3

Hey there,

It can be so hard at times to have a closer friendship to someone in a wider friendship group. It can also feel horrible when others seem to have that with one person to turn to or hang out with and we don’t. I know that I have felt this in the past when I too never felt able to find that one person in the friendship group that I could really turn too so I know how it can feel.

One thing that I did find helpful though was reminding myself that despite me not being close to a certain person within the friendship group, that I did have friends as a whole and even though I felt left out in a sense at least I had friends when others may not have been so lucky. I know that this didn’t always fill that void of feeling left out, but somehow just having friends then made me feel just that little bit less alone if that makes sense? That despite not having that one person when others did, I did have a group of friends and so had a choice of many friends I could confide in when I needed to share something with someone. So I guess what I am trying to say, is if it would be helpful for you to look at the situation a little differently instead of seeing everyone having that one person when you don’t. I think that it’s also really important to know that everyone at times finds it difficult to know what to say to others, but sometimes you just have to follow you gut and say whatever comes to mind (as long as it’s not hurtful to another) and just say what’s on your mind.

You mentioned that sometimes when you message someone within your friendship group that at times problems arise with them either taking a long time to reply or the conversation not really going anywhere. In situations like this, could you remind yourself that sometimes this happens to others, not just you, and this is normal. So try not to single yourself out if you can. Try to remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with you and that it’s OK if you don’t have that one person you feel closest too, this will happen from time to time but it doesn’t mean that it will always be that way with other friendships that you may have and form in the future.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[microwaving-tesilid-argente]

OH I LOVE THIS SONG....

i'm guessing Jiwa yang Bersedih is the name and Ghea Indrawari is the songwriter/singer. It's so comforting!!! Everything I wish Tesilid gets to hear and to internalise. He's just human fr!! How can he be expected to keep going as he had to for long without becoming so messed up and sick of everything and like. waves a hand and everything he is now. And the way he really does still have to pretend to be perfect fr. The "there is something that they don't understand" line oh yeah for sure no one else understands what Tesilid has been through 😭 it's Very Very him.

As for Ailette feeling like the singer but also a little not really, I think it's bc this song is rly soft and calming and directly addresses his wounds and experiences, but Ailette is 1) very high-energy and even loves to tease him and 2) at this point she's still very deliberately trying not to reopen old wounds for him and to simply provide him a better life this time around. but oh boy. whenever the bandaid does get torn off. maybe we'll get some of that then? 😊 (i am coping, i am sure we'll get even more devastated than we already are when we see ailette have to come to terms w how she is much more powerless to helping him than she expected. kimi no kamisama naritai vibes maybe.)

But i think the lyrics really do suit how she feels about him. the "come over here, rest your head for a bit". Her setting up a house for him to recuperate in. Taking on major roles in dungeons because she feels he must already be tired enough doing things on his own. "Bring your wounds to me, let me heal them" she has literally said "i became a healer to heal you" so many times!!!!!! it's her.

also genuinely i'm glad this song gets added to the playlist bc there's a little too much angst in the playlist rn LOL ((just like how the story feels after you read [spoiler] 💀))

i didn't even notice the fever part of Flos lol, it's pretty funny how even that detail matches up!

also I laughed at the way it was It's You's "you are the right time at the right moment" line for the both of us. that line hit me over the head and i immediately added the song to the playlist. Also you singlehandedly contributed like 2 of the 3 happy songs in this playlist tysm

AND WOW im so happy about the moment w your irl friend too!!! what a moment HAHAHAHA i looove this story sm i also keep preaching about it to my friends who read manhwa. i'm glad we're discovering fans closer than we imagine them to be, the tumblr tag may be quiet but it's nice to see the webtoon being loved!! and handshakes your friend you have good taste 🤝🤝

do yall have songs that remind you of s-class heroine. so far i can only think of:

1/6 - out of gravity - by noa

Show Me What I'm Looking For by Carolina Liar

Theatre by Nanou feat. 25ji

To Be Me by Kamikita Ken

Edit: Here a youtube playlist link too.

Additional thoughts:

1/6 - out of gravity - for the wholesome "i want to do anything to lessen your burdens just a little" vibes. but unlike in the song, I think Ailette can actually solve Tesilid's problems, she's just girlboss that way.

Show Me What I'm Looking For - the only line I feel rly doesn't mesh well is the "I've learned to love abuse" line because Tesilid always continued to hate what he goes through

Theatre is suchhhh a tesilid song though. The "can that someone out there hear me?", the "god, is this the price I must pay?", and all the lines about being suffocated by the role you've been playing

[kuleo26]

Hi! I love your headcanons, keep up with the good work hehe <3 if you are ok with it I'd like to request some separate hcs of Kuramochi (my fave!!!), Narumiya and Kawakami (he is TOO underrated imo!) being best/close friends with the female reader. It can be how did they met, how they spend their time together, how they support eachother in everyday life ... the choice is yours! I know it might sound weird since everyone (me included lmao) dreams of being the s/o of our beloved daya boys, but I think that they would make amazing friends irl and that's why I'm making this request :D love ya!

AAAA SOMEONE WHO APPRECIATES KAWAKAMI !! how does it feel to have the superior taste?? dw you totally makes sense, i mean it would be a dream to be friends with the daiya boys. and thank you sm for requesting <3

the shenanigans of best friends

including: kuramochi youichi, narumiya mei, kawakami norifumi

kuramochi youichi

you guys are the type of friends that no one knows if you're dating or not

very physically affectionate

as in like wrestling each other until one taps out

but he's very observant

due to being so close, he can easily tell your change in moods, even if you try to hide it

would always ask how you are and daily things you did

but then again when are y'all not together

you, being a nice friend, would make a bento for him on days he has a game

he would cherish it but the other boys would end up eating it

so then you start making bentos for entire first string LMAO

you join in on their video game nights

and proceed to beat every single one of them

except just dance

because kuramochi always beats you on that

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

narumiya mei

the two pretty best friends

at first, he hated you

because you stole all his fangirls

during your first year in middle school, he had shamed you because you were on the baseball team

but then you hit off of him during a practice game and all of a sudden he had respect for you

after getting to know you he figured out you guys had a lot in common

you eventually quit baseball at the end of middle school

but then mei dragged your ass to inashiro to be their team manager

you were apart of his 'recruitment circle'

and you were also the one he complained to about miyuki not joining them

in high school, you were almost like his caretaker

helping him study, making sure he eats, etc.

you were the one who pulled him out of his slump after they lost at koshien

by slapping him and yelling at him to snap out of it

he figured out you were right

(but was also very scared because he's never seen you mad before)

from that moment he decided to never anger you

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

kawakami norifumi

aaaa he's baby <333

you guys were neighbors and grew up together

you were always his number one fan

when he told you he wanted to go to seido, you were ecstatic

because they were one of the schools who had given you an academic scholarship

after experiencing your first year together, you guys started having weekly venting sessions

you had noticed how stressed he became, worrying about how he could help the team

but he also noticed that you had become stressed as well, trying to keep your high rank and scholarship

sometimes, you'd work out together

like running and stuff

but it would never last long

one time, you guys ran to a nearby park

and you guys were supposed to have a nice jog through and then go back to campus

but you ended up falling asleep on a park bench

even funnier, he was tired too so he ended up falling asleep

and then you guys sprinted back to campus after realizing that it was almost curfew lol

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

[witchthewriter]

hey love! if you’re still taking them, i’d love to send in my ship request for a male stranger things, marvel, and Harry Potter character! (she/her), i’m a sag sun, scorpio rising,aries moon and i am an ENFJ! I around 5 feet tall, tanned with freckles, I have amber eyes a and full lips (my favorite feature on myself) and long light brown hair. I speak 4 languages! I have a major green thumb, and I have a talent for cooking and baking, and I do it often! I love sharing my creations with friends and family. I’m a very passive person, and I keep a small social circle. I work in a small french boutique and am currently in university studying geography. I love to hike, camp, and backpack and I do it often. I am a cat person, I love a good game of scrabble, I love the rain and cold weather so much, and I would love nothing more than a rainy day in, with a book and a cup of tea! thanks love!

Want one? Here be the rules 🦋

Thank you so much for participating my love! You literally sound so wonderful, I wish we were friends irl <3

What each ship has in common:

⋆ Responsible ⋆ Kind-hearted ⋆ Loyal ⋆ Admirable ⋆ Fair

𝐒𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬

𝐷𝑒𝑠𝑐𝑟𝑖𝑝𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛

Right off the bat I ship you with Steve Harrington dude. Like you are THE perfect girl for him. I think I ship you the most with Steve out of everyone. He would love that you're into baking/cooking but also georgraphy because he's really bad with directions

𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠

・Picking you up in his car but also going to knock at your front door. If you try to open the car door by yourself he will literally make you close it, just so he can.

・He would take you on such cute ass dates man. Like he's just been waiting for the right person to come along so he can spoil them.

・Meeting his family and feeling even more close to Steve. You didn't realise how much they aren't there for him

・Being such good friends with Robin, like literally. Sometimes Steve gets jealous and then you both tease him. And then tackle him to the ground in a group hug.

・Being the Hawkin's group designated new parent... you love 'em but whew they stress you tf out

𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐯𝐞𝐥

𝐷𝑒𝑠𝑐𝑟𝑖𝑝𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛

I ship you with Sam Wilson! Captain America himself! I think his vibrant and boisterous personality would be balanced well with your mellow and peaceful one.

𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠

・Meeting his family; it was nerve-wrecking the first time. But they were wonderful people, and now good friends... well, good family.

・Cooking you the BEST homemade meal you had ever had. He's literally such a good cook

・You would definitely be worried when he went on missions. You told Bucky that if anything happened to him you would lose it.

"I'll look after him y/n. Don't worry."

"Ha! Sure you will," Sam laughed, wrapping an arm around your shoulder.

・Moving in with him, and his place is literally so nice. You bring all your plants and he absolutely loves it

・Each week you bake a cake, or cookies or muffins. He's so excited the night before and does a little bake-dance

𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐏𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫

𝐷𝑒𝑠𝑐𝑟𝑖𝑝𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛

I ship you with Remus Lupin! (Joseph Quinn is my new fancast for him). He would love to sit with you, tea on the table and a book in hand. You perched between his legs, back against his chest.

𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠

・Meeting at Hogwarts - you were both in the library, searching for a particular version of a charms book. He had grabbed it first, not realising you were reaching for the same one.

"Oh, I apologise. Were you looking for this?" He automatically moved to give it to you, his eyes looking into your own. You realised that they were tired.

"No no, you can have it. I'm sure there'll be another copy around here somewhere," you smiled.

"How about we share?" His kind smile a lovely sight.

・Being Remus' safe place/person. He knows he can come to you with any problem

・You found out he was a werewolf by accident. You went looking for him at night, knowing he wasn't in the common room and you hadn't seen him go up to bed.

You were worried. Frantic, you grabbed your broom and marched out of the common room. You were determined to find him.

It wasn't until you had heard the screams from the womping willow that a sick feeling had turned to oil in your stomach.

Following the horrific noises, you found the boys transforming from animal to human.

"What is going on?" You gasped, eyes flicking between the four boys' forms.

"Y/N? Y/N, What are you doing here?" Peter nearly yelled. Remus was lying on the ground, shaking. James and Sirius were draping a blanket over his naked body.

"I-I came looking for Remus. I was worried." The others turned to see you, their eyes going wide.

・They had explained everything. Because really, you did live in a magical world. Anything mysterious or weird could usually be explained by ... well ... magic.

・Tracing Remus' scars and kissing each one

・Gently moving their hair from his face

・Kissing his nose