#I'm just trying to figure out what triggered it
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genderqueerdykes · 15 hours ago
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im feeling so stressed about transitioning under the new regime. i need to get my gender markers/passport/name changed legally but i am not on hrt and do NOT pass at all, so i feel unsafe with the correct docs. i have an appointment for hrt, but thats not for another month. by that time it will be too late to update my docs. ill be visibly trans with my birth gender/name which also makes me feel unsafe. i feel like im being forced to rush my transition or stay in the closet for the rest of my life. i do not have the confidence to be visibly trans as i live in an extremely red part of an extremely red state. i feel miserable and dont know what to do
remind urself its ok to be scared rn. it's very frightening. it's okay to feel unsafe rn. hopefully things don't pan out like that and you have to stay in the closet
we don't know what will happen for sure, n that's the scary part. we don't have control over the future, but we got control of the present and we can do what we can to influence the immediate future.
those laws n bills are still subject to the judicial processes of the house and senate and they can get strangled or killed there. trump isn't special, he thinks he is, but realistically, he still has to contend with them whether or not he wants to . he had to last time, this time will be no different. n u know what? if it is different? n he does put that shit into place asap? well guess what? everyone's calling for "revolution": nows ur chance babes, get started! gather! organize! resist! revolt!
for now what you gotta do is remind urself that it will never be illegal 2 be a trans person on the inside. u being trans, referring to urself as trans, acknowledging that ur trans will never be illegal and yes that IS something you can hold on to for dear life. it's a place to start. they can't take away who you are on the inside. start talking to other trans people and start building plans. look into queer resource centers in your area. look at colleges for these, though you may have some elsewhere. ask ur trans friends where they get their hrt.
going stealth or trying to pass for a cis man and/or woman doesn't mean u are not trans. a lot of trans people have to do this, and if u have to do it for safety, that is completely fine. that says nothing about ur actual gender. it sucks to do, but it doesn't change who u are on the inside, a lot of trans people have 2 do this
i hope things improve for u. i hope you're able to connect with some other queers in ur area and come up with some plans. do whatever u can to make sure that u can get hormones started if that's what u want. like chase it n don't let go. just do it. they can't take the hormone out of ur body. but they also can't magically know ur on hrt. this is just my stance. u can decide not to. but i say NOW is the time to pull the trigger.
get on hrt. do it. now before u literally fuckin can't.
hopefully not much changes if anything at all. i'm not impressed with Dumbass' speeches. he's a lot of hot air. he's about making an impression. but i'm not impressed by the bluff. best of luck. PLEASE remember to stick together right now. when things are stressful in the real world like this, we HAVE to band together. we have to figure out how to sort out THIS situation.
stop fighting with each other n realize that there is literally a way bigger threat n tryin 2 figure out if a stranger has a pussy or a dick. like cmon this shit is on a subatomic level of importance rn, u gotta have some priorities. snap out of it & focus.
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radvampqueer · 2 days ago
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Hello Mortals.
I am Wraith. I'm a xenosatanist alter in a generally pro-contact system (@positivedqncetime), and I'm also a vampire (vampid, sourcevampire, cisvampire) I consider myself overall old-RQ adjacent.
I use they/him pronouns and I'm unlabeled as far as sexuality and gender are concerned, I'm from too far back to understand the concept of gender and sexuality.*
I hold a lot of our anger and I'm also easily triggered, so be careful
* edited
I am...
Transharmful (transtorturer, transmurderer)
Transage (the body is older than when I was turned)
Transharmed (transbloodbag)
Transincest
Transorientation (I should be attracted to women)
Xenosatanist
Pro-contact
Anti-recovery
Also I'm just riddled with delusions, have fun trying to figure out just what kind of world I'm living in.
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ghwosty · 5 months ago
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when will these horrors (tummy upset) cease
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sad-wet-cat-hannibal · 2 days ago
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(Essay incoming so I'm adding a read more)
I think you've said some good stuff here, and I too get annoyed or even angered by people using the term in a way that I interpret as flippant; but I'd like to add that as someone who frequently described distressing books and films as "traumatising", it turned out that that word was rather apt - because my intense response was caused by my trauma being triggered by those very same things, too often in ways that felt like reliving it.
Here's the kicker. I didn't know I *had* any trauma. All I knew was that engaging with these works made me feel distressed and disturbed as if I were personally traumatised by these things. Like they were real. Like they damaged me. Just from reading them or seeing them. They'd haunt me for weeks, sometimes months, sometimes years. Sometimes they gave me weird symptoms I couldn't explain. So, naturally, I was hyper-avoidant as fuck.
That intense sensitivity and hyper-avoidance, combined with my ignorance to the fact that my psyche was not experiencing these things from an untraumatised position, meant I thought that "intensely distressing/traumatising" was just the normal effect these things had - except lots of other people seemed oblivious, and even delighted in the exact same works. Sometimes none more so than the kind of motherfuckers who actually like traumatising people.
So I figured, as incomprehensible as it seemed, everyone else had to be either too numbed out/oblivious/naïve to realise how awful this shit was, or were actually big fans of bad things happening in real life.
Because if to me it felt too real, capable of destroying my peace of mind for weeks, then surely to some extent that must be the same for everyone else, right? (Obviously not, but I was younger and working with what limited knowledge I had.) From that logic it's really easy to buy into censorship, into propaganda that claims that the symptoms of a society with a dysfunctional approach to life are often born of the media that echoes them, rather than the other way round. It's real to you. It's your only explanation. (You don't want to feel like this. You don't want anyone to feel like this. It's inhumane.)
What I'm trying to say is that not everyone knows they're traumatised. I think as many as those who do, do not. Perhaps far more. And for those people, the only time they are able to touch on the truth of their half-veiled iceberg is when they tell you that The Bridge to Terabithia "traumatised" them.
(I know it "did" me.)
Telling them they're exaggerating, and misusing language that doesn't apply to them runs the very real risk of making it harder for them to treat their feelings with the consideration and weight they deserve, and enabling them to begin the process of unraveling their denial and tending their wounds. It runs the risk of reinforcing the (potentially forgotten or minimised) messaging they may have already received, during and after the trauma, that it doesn't matter. They're exaggerating. They're making things up. Other people have trauma, other people have it so much worse, other people suffer - but not you. Your account of your experience is unbelievable. Silly. You will not be seen or heard or understood, not by anyone else, and not by yourself...
Yet. Hopefully one day. But I think it often takes other people being willing to shine a light on the pain, and say, "Yeah, it's real. It's caused by things. You aren't alone and you aren't exaggerating."
I think the flippant watering down of the word is potentially very unhelpful too, but there's a section of society who want to push the narrative that the vast majority of people speaking seriously and from a place of relevant psycho-education about their trauma are just special snowflakes jumping on a trend. Maybe I shouldn't, but I feel wary of adding fuel to their fire by trying to gatekeep trauma. I don't know what the solution to these two conflicting uses of the word is, or if it's even possible to create a solution that doesn't simultaneously police the traumatised out of expressing their pain the only way they currently know how. Which would set back the whole thing of trying to help people... We get enough trauma olympics ingrained into everyone as it is.
Oh yeah!! Just remembered, Gabor Mate said in either his book from 2024 or an interview about it that he considers everyone to be traumatised, the question is simply one of degree (if I'm remembering correctly). So from that it may in fact be possible to argue that books and films can traumatise people, although perhaps not necessarily to the extent we might associate with PTSD or CPTSD.
I'm wondering if, as a society who cares about vulnerable people, we could stop saying "traumatize" when we truly mean "upset"?
I am sick of hearing sad books or movies "traumatize" their readers. I simply do not believe that happens. A traumatic experience might be adjacent to books (I have vivid memories of books I was reading around certain experiences and even how the contents of those books affected my processing of the experiences). But it's not caused by the book. And, y'know. The weather is Christofascist Censorship Attempts outside.
Meanwhile from the other side I continue to be surprised at just how badly people fail to understand trauma and traumatic experiences in general. Watering down the term isn't helping. Find other hyperbole to express that The Bridge to Terebithia gutted you, chewed on your heartstrings, and made you cry your first pair of contact lenses right out of your preteen eyes.
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hurglewurm · 8 months ago
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two nights ago: [vivid dream about having a panic attack, gasping and wheezing, heart pounding painfully, curled up on the kitchen floor shaking while my family has dinner in the other room]
last night: [vivid dream about apologizing to my friends that i'm depressed again, feeling weighted down by all of it, on the verge of collapsing because it's too heavy, darkness encroaching]
me irl: genuinely just chilling
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spectrum-core · 2 days ago
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Fuck
Well, I saw this coming from miles away becaude of course the gacha game will throw any semblance of artistic integrity through the window if they can make cheap fanservice, hence why I made the og post in advance, I didn't want to elaborate more on it when it happened because whatever, people were already dicks about me making the initial post anyway lol
But a guy began bugging me about how the comparison made sense, actually, and I felt the need to elaborate with a final point about why I feel the comparison absolutely misses the point of what full stop is and represents and everything that made them special to me.
Ok, so this guy has been analyzing limbus ids for a while and trying to figure out common themes among them, his conclusion for sinclair ids was, simply put, these are people who are either extremely good at what they do but cant fully see it or arent proud of it (blade lineage, cinq), or people who are slow and trailing behind compared to their peers while also having the potential to be absurdly good at their line of work if they were given the proper support (molar office).
According to him, stephan would be the second case, a guy who is very bad at what he does but could be amazing at it with the proper motivation. The issue is that… if you look at stephan and i mean you really look at him instead of forcing him in a haha funny meme fandom archetype or mold him into whatever can fit the power fantasy of the month that'd be a limbus character, he's really not that.
That's not to say stephan lacks any talent at all, his pessimist and cautious personality makes me imagine he is probably a great planner, coming up with escape plans or alternatives if the team gets cornered or overwhelmed in any non color-fixer-chasing-them-with-killing-intent situation, his physical strength is also there, and i think he'd be at least half decent at unarmed one on one combat because of it, and i feel he appreciates this and the people around him do as well, he has talents and they are in plain sight, and he makes full use of them when the situation requires him to.
But the thing is… everything from his dice ranges to his card names to his passive name are very clear in one thing: he's fucking terrible at aiming and firing a gun, the very thing he's supposed to do and excel at if he doesn't want to lose money. Maybe he's nearsighted, maybe he has astigmatism, maybe he pulls the trigger too fast before being sure he's even aiming at a target, maybe his anxiety is so bad he's shaking and sweating constantly and his fine motor skills are shit because of that, maybe even all of these at the same time.
And it's not just stephan who has this going on either, liwei's keypage wouldn't be talking about "this is what people normally think and what i know i'm supposed to want but i simply can't see the point of all of it" (<- this is autism coding if you're delusional like me but i digress) if he was a "proper fixer", tamaki wouldn't be losing her cool regularly every time stephan begins to complain if she was a "proper fixer", everyone here is notoriously bad at their job one way or another due to things that are quite directly part of who they are so there's no "actually stephan would be a shi section 1 fixer if he wore glasses" or "liwei could become a color if he got rid of his gun and started fighting with a sword instead" for any of them, not without them losing who they are in the way as opposed to the character growth that represents sinclair.
For me these are average people, with average talents which can only take them so far, in a world where most people in their line of work has superhuman skills, and to make matters worse they're focusing their strengths in the wrong things, these aren't the people who will wake up one day and awaken whatever specialest boy ever superpower project moon comes up with next time and become the strongest people who ever lived in the city. Even if they decided to drop everything suddenly and start with something else, there's absolutely nothing they'd excel at.
And that's precisely the thing, they won't just drop everything and suddenly do something they are better at, because the sunk cost fallacy is a fucking bitch when you're risking bankrupcy with every job you take, and that's why the full stop office is to me, the tragedy of people who invested too much and worked for too long in the wrong thing and now they don't have the resources, time or evergy to reinvent themselves anymore even if it'd be better for them in the long run.
I wanted to write a cool conclusion or something but i dont have the energy so just take this instead
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STEPHCLAIR IS BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD
Alternative title: a very angry (and tired) Full Stop fan's thesis.
ok, so me being the stephan/sinclair comparison's strongest hater is a bit i really like to lean into, but for the sake of keeping things semi-serious i will try to keep the actual essay content as free of me ranting my frustrations as humanly possible (which i mean commitement to the bit aside this will be hard bc it is frustrating to see people calling them both the same character, at best it shows a very surface level understanding of either character and at worst it shows just reducing them to cookie cutter meme fandom archetypes neither character actually fits into, so bear with me if i slip up and make unserious comments from time to time)
so before i start the actual essay let me say this: this essay doesnt even scratch the surface of how much i hate this comparison you guys cant even possibly fucking imagine ive been obssessed and i mean OBSSESSED with the full stop office since 2021 and im glad i wasnt in the limbus prerelease fanbase because if i had to see people comparing my beautiful boy and beloved best friend to a guy we had no info about other than "hes based of the guy from demian" i would have turned into the joker this is not even about saving my own mental health this is about sparing the entire pjm fandom of the monster i would have turned into
spoilers for ruina and limbus, universe terminology heavy and surface level references and interpretations of demian by herman hesse because imma keep it real with you guys the first and only time i read that book i was still in high school and i barely remember shit.
Table of contents:
Stephan - a summary
Sinclair - a summary 2.1. Emil Sinclair in Demian (1919) 2.2. Emil Sinclair in Limbus Company (2023)
Addressing common arguments
1.- Stephan - a summary
And of course I will start with Stephan, because I love him very much, just like Liwei he's one of my favorite pjm characters (yeah i like him more than your favorite popular character don't ask) so it's not surprising that i have A Lot to say about him, right?
And of course, I do.
As I said in the serrated duo post, a core part of my perception of the Full Stop office depends on the fact that they are poor. Mentions of money are common all across many factions in the game, yes, but the Full Stops are extremely constant about money, how taking a wrong turn means losing more than they can afford, how they can't afford to drop their weapons because they were too expensive, how even getting the permissions to be able to buy and wield these weapons was ridiculously expensive and so on. Of course, Stephan is the one talking about this the most (something I will elaborate on later), but Liwei and Tamaki also make a few ocassional mentions to it in their dialogue and keypages and considering this is a shared business it just makes sense that this is something that affects all of them.
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These are just some few of the callbacks to money that Stephan alone does in his dialogue, without focusing in keypage text or what Liwei and Tamaki have to say about it.
And idk man, at least to me the difference between social classes is an important aspect for their characterization, specially because of how constant the concern with money is for Stephan. From this point alone comparing them feels like erasing a core aspect of Stephan's characterization, a lot about Stephan (and the Full Stop office as a whole, let's be real here) starts making more sense once you read the office as lower-middle class (and I'm saying lower middle class because they can afford some place to live and their weapons, but to me these guys are the types who precisely because of their need to keep bullets at all times can't pay for water or electricity all the time and sometimes they simply can't afford food or if they do they can spend a week straight eating nothing but unsalted pasta).
Now, going back to Stephan being the most outward about his complaints with money, he is in general the most outward about all problems the office is facing, to the point in which he doesn't mind inconveniencing everyone else with his rants, being one of the few guests who interrupt Angela's introductory speech and getting into Tamaki's nerves (something he's well aware he's doing, as these two know each other) at least two times through the course of their pre-battle cutscene, even Roland comments after the reception on how he wishes he would always have been as open about his problems as Stephan was.
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However, it's worth nothing that he doesn't spend the entire cutscene crying about his miseries, and he only starts losing hope at three key moments: when they can't kill Eileen inmediately (making them waste more bullets than needed), when Argalia shows up (forcing them to retreat and making them fail their mission, meaning they won't get paid for this after they already lost a ton of money, as well as turning the situation into something much more dangerous than what they had signed up for) and once they enter the Library (an Urban Plague grade threat they have little to no information about, when him and Tamaki are almost out of bullets so Liwei is essentially the only fixer with some chance of putting up a fight and, you know, making it out alive).
Now, while it's true that Stephan is someone who dislikes danger, he isn't someone who isn't used to seeing gruesome events, his instinctive reaction to seeing a guy getting his head put into a meat grinder was cracking jokes and calling the concept of thought gears "a load of horseshit", which is something that falls in line with him being a somewhat experienced Fixer (sure, grade 5 isn't amazing but we can assume it's still either in the higher side of average or barely above average, and for someone specialized in firearms, which are far from the best weapon in the city, getting that high means he must have some experience and skill, right? more so considering he's been at this for 5 years at most) who has seen a fair share of horrid shit and can be unfazed by (most of) it as long as his own safety isn't on the line.
Another point is... he dislikes danger and is always wary about money and expenses, to the point in which he enjoys checking his bank account (or at least he believes so, if we go for the theory of the artbook profiles being more a mix of what the characters perceive themseves as/would describe themselves as to others, which is a theory i go by, I see him as someone who's convinced he does that for fun instead as out of desperation), but this seems to be more a generalized feeling of impending doom at everything rather than something that can be traced back to a particular traumatic event (anything can be dangerous, anything can cost him money), dude's from the backstreets after all, he's seen shit and he's used to assuming the worst. How I see Stephan, he's a guy who already expects bad things to happen but once things go wrong he starts freaking out about how this time They're Screwed For Real, but he never really tricks himself into believing "maybe things will turn out just fine this time?" or who thinks "well, we've done this before, surely we can handle it again."
This is not very related to Stephan as a character in terms of personality but I think it's still an important point to make as it is particularly related to body mods, his physical condition and his body shape.
So we can easily say that Stephan is a strong dude, at least if compared to real world standards without the fancy and insane body mods we see people in the city have access to. He carries that huge rifle around with his bare hands, something that Tamaki doesn't do and that not even Stephan himself in earlier iterations of his dessign did, and his main talent (which based of my theories is something that can be assumed as "something he's proud enough of to consider it the thing he does best") is physical labor.
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Pictured, Tamaki's talksprite, carrying a rifle almost as long as she is tall with a strap supporting the weight on her shoulders, like a normal person.
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Also pictured, an earlier iteration of Stephan's dessign, carrying the same rifle his current version does, but also holding it with the help of a similar strap supporting the weight on his shoulders.
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And finally, Stephan's current dessign, holding that shit with his bare fucking hands in an exhibition of his brute animal strength, what the fuck is wrong with this man (affectionate)
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And Stephan's artbook profile, the important part here is his speciality being physical labor, not only he's strong but he aknowledges this.
However, I made a point about the Full Stop office being poor, right? Even Roland says that "giving a whole office augmentation procedures is cheaper than keeping a decent supply of bullets in stock" (not the exact phrasing).
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At least personally, I see this as Roland essentially saying "it would be cheaper (and more efficient) to get body mods for everyone in the office and buy another (cheaper) type of weaponry instead", but as things stand, the Full Stops can afford to either buy more ammunition and maintain their weapons, OR to get body mods, and since their whole deal is firearms... well, they can't really Stop investing in them, meaning they have no body mods At All and they got their grades purely out of their own physical strength.
Similarly, Stephan makes a similar point about how body augmentations are required for people to be able to run while carrying their weapons around (specifically talking about the rifles he and Tamaki use).
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And... you know, the whole point is that they couldn't run carrying their weapons because they were too heavy, Argalia mocked them for that, Liwei urged them to drop their weapons, something they refused to do because of the prices.
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Lastly on this point, while it's true that Ruina talksprites have a very bad case of Long Anime Legs (to the point in which how Roland's legs take about 2/3 of his height is a common joke), if we focus only on his head and torso, Stephan looks pretty Wide, and not only because he's wearing thick, fluffy and multilayered clothing, as other characters wearing similar clothing styles still look thinner than him.
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This is all to say: I don't think this guy is a twink, or thin at all. He's a prime example of the strongman build to me and this is yet another hill I'm willing to die on watch project moon turn him into a beanpole once he inevitably shows up in limbus and me turning into the first real world distortion as a consequence.
Finally, Stephan is very notoriously the most informal member of the office, not only being the only one who doesn't wear any sort of formal clothing fully prioritizing comfort and practicality over looks but also completely disregarding formalities with his attitude at work (again, he interrupts Angela's introductory monologue, and again, his first two lines when being introduced are him cracking jokes), being the only member of the office to swear on screen and using several informal expressions and metaphors through both the reception dialogue and his keypage story.
And for good measure, he's a compilation of Stephan being the creature he is.
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The literal introduction of the characters, also known as the moment in which Stephan became one of my favorite characters because he's Just Like Me Fr
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Very normal behavior for someone who hates blood and violence and isn't used to seeing it. This man is more than capable (and willing, assuming money is involved) to murder kill.
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Which, I mean, this attitude is very different from what we see from Sinclair.
2.- Sinclair, a summary
In retrospect I probably should have made this one first because I'm gonna be honest with you, Sinclair is one of the sinners I care about the least (I still like him and think he's pretty cool mind you I just don't vibe too much with most of the tropes making up the character) so what I have to say about him is less me grasping for straws and subtext because I don't care enough about him to be bothered with a super serious and in depth analysis like I did with Stephan and more things we can explicitly see about him in game and things that happen in the novel Demian.
And if I can have a small parenthesis here, people saying that one of my favorite pjm guys Ever is in any way similar to a guy who despite being pretty cool is just Not the type of character I fully vibe with... really, it gets annoying fast. Anyway back to the serious analysis now.
2.1- Emil Sinclair in Demian (1919)
To be able to understand Sinclair as he is depicted in Limbus Company, it is important to first be familiar with the source material of the original iteration of the character, that's it we're doing your high school homework by compiling several literary analysis of a symbolic psychological early 20th century autobiographical novel i hope you guys signed up for this (and if you didn't, though luck! i will do this anyway, I love literary analysis).
In the novel, young Emil finds himself torn between the worlds of light (which can be equated to the Garden of Eden, but it's more tangible meaning for our protagonist is his childhood home and family, a serene and well structure/organized space where he can be innocent, untainted by the evils of the outside world) and darkness (basically all the scary shit that goes on outside, where people do evil things for the sake of it), he finds himself tempted by the violence of the outside world, particularly through the actions of his classmate Franz Kromer, which eventually leads him to consider that due to being exposed to this tainted world of evil he no longer can return to the world of good and innocence.
Here, the character of Demian acts as a guide, someone who helps Sinclair to trascend this binary perception of good vs evil and to see himself as someone worthy of happiness because him witnessing the world of evil didn't taint him as a person but rather merely showed him another face of the world, Demian here mentions the Mark of Cain as a symbol of mental strenght and freedom, considering that bearers of this mark are capable of making their own choices and should be able to go beyond their assigned roles, being able to embody aspects of both worlds. This is to say that Demian's view is less focused on good vs evil, instead taking a more order vs chaos approach (without giving an explicit moral character to either).
In the book, the symbol of a bird breaking out of the egg is frequently used to represent Emil's personal growth, the egg represents safety and innocence, but a bird must eventually leave the egg or it will die, and getting out of the egg is a process than can be seen as violent, as a bird must fight to get out of the egg, and getting out of the egg represents birth but also an irreversible change, it can be seen as breaking out of the world of light and getting permanently in the world of darkness since a broken shell can't be fixed, but it can also mean achieving the enlightment and personal balance to not feel permanently bound to a condition, place or state of being and therefore growing as a person by learning to see himself as a whole human instead of supressing his "evil side" by only forcing the "good side" to surface.
Max Demian is here to show this second meaning of growth/self improvement (while also explaining that Sinclair is permamently growing and must always keep this balance between all the parts conforming the whole being that is himself rather that trying to make parts of himself antagonize each other). This idea of personal growth being one of the core themes of the book.
2.2- Emil Sinclair in Limbus Company (2023)
With Sinclair's source media analyzed (at a very surface level, mind you), we now can start talking about the depiction of Sinclair in Limbus Company, how it parallels the book, why the book symbolism is important for this instance of Sinclair and so on.
When we are first introduced to Sinclair in the game he's clearly nervous, he doesn't know what he's supposed to do as he hasn't worked for a similar company before and he isn't used to the gruesome sight of the bus eating people, this does fit inmediately in the motif of a naive person with limited experience about the world (well, to be fair to him most people won't be seeing man-eating buses at a regular basis, but the average backstreets dweller would be familiar with equally violent situations).
With this said, despite Sinclair's obviously nervous behavior... he isn't really a pessimist like Stephan was, in fact, almost every chapter (counting cantos, intervallos and the short mini chapters such as the Dante's notes update episode) have at least one key moment with him trying to rationalize horrible stuff as something much less violent, or simply going "but I thought this thing didn't work like this..." when confronted with the more horrible realities in the city. He thought the G corp veterans were really going to let them pass without a fight, he thought the people being controlled by headhens were just actors wearing mascot costumes, he thought mermaids were the beautiful half-woman half-fish creatures he heard about in fairy tales, and there's more examples but I don't really feel like looking for The Entire Fucking Plot Because This Guy Is An Actual Protagonist Instead Of A Background Guy Like Stephan Was to make my point clearer than it already is. And it's only when he realizes that the real world doesn't fit his expectations that he panics.
Well, there is one exception to this pattern: his own canto. Here, he panics inmediately as soon as K corp's nest is mentioned and spends the first half of the chapter pleading to turn back while saying that they are going to get killed. So what is different here with the rest of the plot?
Obviously, the fact that is related to his very own very personal very specific trauma. That is to say, unlike Stephan who is wary of anything that can put him on danger or cost him more money than it should, Sinclair has a very specific traumatic event that makes him act Like That (sure, he gets scared and nervous outside that, but these are more normal "I'm unfamiliar with this and I don't fully know how to react, this is normal behavior in a human being" reactions than outright "I am Actually Terrified due to being reminded of an actual traumatic event, this reaction is a textbook definition of post-traumatic stress disorder").
HOWEVER, Sinclair being someone who's deeply traumatized and kind of a scaredy cat when it comes to violence and unfamiliar situations... it doesn't mean that he's incompetent or a bad fighter. Almost all of his identities are terrifyingly good fighters (at least in their lore), Los Mariachis fear jefe Sinclair, Cinq director Sinclair is someone most association members are terrified to duel even during training, Blade Lineage Sinclair is considered a talented killer (it's also worth noting that save maybe for the mariachi one, in none of these mirror worlds Sinclair is precisely happy of being recognized as "the guy who's very scary when he fights people", unlike Stephan who I don't think he particularly likes killing but has a more "as long as I get paid..." mentality about it), the only "not very good at this" Sinclair id I can think of is the molar boatworks id where he's more a mechanic than a fighter so he fears he's lagging behind in that aspect. Hell, even the Canon Timeline so to speak (which is to say: his base identity) has him carrying that huge halberd, going on a frenzy attacking some already mutilated inquisitor's corpse, piercing through Guido's armor and dealing a fatal blow that finally killed him for real. To compare, Stephan is good at physical work, but we don't know about his close combat capacities other than the fact that he dislikes it, for Sinclair however we know he's terrifyingly good at physical combat.
Now, I've seen a lot of people call Sinclair a twink and while it's one of these words that nobody agrees on what it means, let's give it the benefit of doubt and say "alright, for the duration of this analysis let's settle on a twink being a young looking (regardless of actual age), thin man with almost no facial/body hair".
Since Sinclair is a rich guy (not just Any Rich Guy though, we're talking of someone whose family had ties to a Wing, probably not some elite guy like Daniel or Hong Lu, but not a self perceived "mediocre" nest dweller like Samjo either), and pressumably not very experienced in combat in most mirror worlds (we know he has no prior experience in the base one where he joined Limbus, at least), let's say that he has enough body mods for him to be much stronger than he looks like despite being thin, he does look thin and young and much to my dissapointment he also has no facial hair, so yeah, under this very broad definition of the term he is a twink.
However if you start adding personality archetypes to the definition he stops being one almost inmediately, as we've been shown time after time that his "submissive" attitude is mostly a result of him not knowing too well how to impose himself and just going along with what the rest say or do, but he's starting to grow tired of that ever since Hell's Chicken (even if he clearly still isn't great at that), as it should be more than obvious for anyone who even just googled "demian herman hesse literary analysis", Sinclair is undergoing a lot of changes even now, and the game is doing a good job at portraying that.
Honestly I also think he'd be hotter with a sleeper build but really, I don't care enough about him to argue about that.
And for the last point, precisely due to his upbringing as a rich guy AND his traumatic experience with Kromer, Sinclair is not only a very polite and mild mannered guy (again, unlike resident creature Stephan), but also he tries to take as little space as possible, both literally and metaphorically, as Dante notices near the end of canto 3 when they finally comment on how Sinclair never talks about his own problems until it's too late because he doesn't want to bother the others as they probably have it worse (again, unlike Stephan "i don't mind loweing team morale and making everyone in the room uncomfortable as long as i get to vent" Full Stop office).
3.- Adressing common arguments
Alright, now that I talked about each character, let's see some of the most common arguments I've seen people use to compare them.
"They look the same!" No, they don't. The only thing they have in common is being blonde but even their hairstyles are different with Sinclair having a simple bowl-ish cut with slightly wavy hair and Stephan having curlier hair (not to mention the whole point I made about body types because I'm the sort of lunatic who cares about that stuff). I won't even bother with this argument.
"They have the same personalities!" Again, they don't. Stephan is very cynical with a lot of his attitude being clearly derivated from him coming from a poor background and having stayed there his whole life, he also doesn't care about his cynism getting in the way and bothering everyone else. On the other hand, Sinclair is someone who could almost be described as naive due to having lived a sheltered childhood and only having his experiences with Kromer and his time at Limbus as moments of realizing that the rest of the world is Not Like His Childhood House, still believing that the world is a binary of good vs evil and expecting things to turn out fine or be much better than they actually are, just to be hit with the reality of the city Not being a nice place where people are nice and polite and not trying to kill him, this is not to say he doesn't have his own issues but even Dante notices during his Canto that Sinclair makes a point to avoid bothering everyone else with his personal problems, keeping them to himself even if that makes things worse on the long run.
"Both are opposed and harmed by a lunatic!" This is an argument I've seen a lot and is incredibly filmsy at best, half of the city's population are lunatics and the other half are people who got opposed by them some way or another. Will you say that Ishmael and the rest of the Pequod crew can be compared to the Full Stop office (or really, even mention the other Full Stop fixers instead of just focusing on Stephan because he happens to be blonde and can be compared to Sinclair) because of their situations with Ahab? Or the W Corp crew who got their train targetted by Jae-heon and Elena (or, you know, the train passengers who were turned into Love townspeople or puppets)? What about the Vermillion Cross who got killed by the Reverb Ensemble? Or the Cane office fixers? or the Zwei association section 6 who got beaten to death by Gyeong-mi just because he felt like doing so? Or the Liu association section 1 who had to deal with Argalia taking Philip away? Or the Kurokumo clan members when they were attacked by Tanya? You aren't comparing them to either Stephan or Sinclair, right? Not to mention that in her weird and fucked up perception of things, Kromer was less opposed to Sinclair as she was trying to lead him to join her and her cause, even the last things she says before getting killed are her calling him to follow her.
"Both are compared to birds!" Oh, right, because I forgot that a very directed symbolic comparison to a baby bird breaking out of it's shell as a symbol of rebirth, learning about the nuances of the world and self improvement/liberation that is consistently used in the source material Sinclair comes from is exactly the same as one (1) throwaway line the big bad guy uses to mock not only Stephan but the whole Full Stop gang, right. And if you want to say "but Tamaki compares him to a bird once too", yeah she calls him a parrot because he keeps repeating the same complaints over and over, it's still not the same as a consistent metaphor.
"Both are sad blonde twinks! They're essentially the same guy." Sad? Yeah, everyone in the city is sad but their ways to be sad are polar opposites, and neither of them is the pure cinnamon roll uwu crybaby archetype people tend to lump both into, Stephan was merely having a bad day and people decided to make that his whole personality (when honestly we get more insight on his actual personality before Argalia shows up, when he's making sarcastic remarks and getting impatient because they weren't starting killing people fast enough) but he's still perfectly capable (and willing) to murder people, and Sinclair is just... someone who lacks experience about the real world and how it works and has a tendency to get nervous because of this, but he can adapt quickly to situations once he understands them. Blonde? Yeah, but I guess if that's a point to draw a comparison then we should also compare them to Don Quixote, the Tiphereths, Lenny, Yun, Lulu, Olga, every single npc, librarian, and agent who comes with blonde hair from the generator... Twinks? Stephan absolutely isn't one, Sinclair depends on how you define twink as nobody seems to get to an agreement with that, if you define it as merely "young looking thin man with almost no visible body hair" then yeah he is one, but if you go for any more specific definition than that he stops fitting into the definition almost instantly.
In conclusion: if I see anyone else comparing them I'll start blocking people liberally bc I'm sick of seeing that shit (I do that already tbh but just so you know), now scram
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thevioletcaptain · 5 months ago
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#so one half of the couple i'm house/dogsitting for had an unexpected medical emergency on their trip#which -- i won't go into details but it culminated in a pretty serious diagnosis and emergency major surgery#and now they're coming home today after getting medevac transport back to california#and have asked me to stay here for a few more days while they settle in#as the one who had the emergency needs 24/7 care during recovery but is being released from hospital to recover at home#and they need someone to basically keep looking after the dog/keep her from getting in the way while they figure out what care he needs#anyway i agreed to stay a few days like they asked#which means i'm trying to finish my coursework before they get back later this afternoon but man my focus levels are LOW#and honestly they have been for several days at this point because once again it seems that waiting to hear about medical stuff has become#somewhat of a panic response trigger for me since the extended nightmare of february this year with my dad#and mostly i've been able to compartmentalize but the energy that takes has truly wiped me out#to the point that i'm genuinely shocked it hasn't set off a fibro flare up (touch wood)#also i really don't know this couple very well at all -- they're mostly friends of my parents-in-law#i've looked after their dog for them several times over the past couple of years#but obviously that's been while they aren't home#and i've only had fairly brief interactions with them#so i do feel a bit awkward about being here while they're going through something so serious and personal#but they're nice people and they need the help and i'm able to provide it so i'm gonna push past that#anyway just a tag post venting thing
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naylor · 8 months ago
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okay, blanket advice: if you're not sure if all of your friends drink or some of them don't for whatever reason, please disclose with them if you cook or bake with alcohol. it's fucked up finding out you might have compromised your sobriety when you already ate half the plate, and it honestly feels like a betrayal of trust.
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ame-to-ame · 7 months ago
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there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them
#double meaning on that but. yeah.#it's like. i haven't touched the imaging software i use for an entire year. soldering iron in decades. pick it right back up. to my surpris#muscle memory is crazy#i don't draw for months and pick up right where i was with a few sketches bc the work you put in stays even when you don't actively practic#when it's something you've practiced weekly and daily it sticks with you and ig that's good#but then it's like. the horrors. that haunt you. yk? what if a part of me will always save a soft spot for my ex. what then.#what if I'm fine now and I'm doing okay and i don't miss it and I think i'm okay moving forward and i see her and suddenly I'm on the floor#what if some part of me that was in love never really went away what if i haven't managed to kill all of it yet#bc i genuinely would not know what to do. i. i don't want to admit it but one of my worst fears is liking someone who doesn't like you back#and what's even more horrifying is if it's obvious. if everyone can tell. and usually I'm good at hiding it! (not really) but it's just. id#it's shame in liking someone who you tell yourself you don't want to like and you know you shouldn't. and not having control over it.#hoping praying that either she does something that turns the little switch in my head that sends her into the unforgivable category#or that i become straight. or that i become straight. mhm. yep. or ig the other option is i get a crush on someone new but like. mm.#i kinda have gotten w every person I've had a crush on since hs and i kinda don't think im ready for another rs so soon.#the baggage i just got is. hm. idk i kinda don't wanna unpack it. it's something that can easily be done if i had the missing pieces but.#i don't think I'm ever gonna get them. so. instead I'm gonna take. maybe another 3 months or 5 months or a year or a few. to just. slowly.#idek. it's just triggering old things. bringing me back to when i was 14. i never really got closure from that either. it took me 3 years.#I'm sure this time it'll go away faster but idk experiencing it a second time has a different feel to it. idk. it's weird.#it's like. idk. it's like you're watching it happen and you're not even there anymore. idk. i really don't know.#oh. I've been dissociating.#idk maybe it's for the best i really don't know i really don't know and everyone says i have to do what's best for myself but idk what is#my life is on track things are moving forward I'm doing better and healing but i can't escape the feeling of dread#something is going to catch up with me sooner or later and idk what it is idk at what intensity and idk if i will be ready for it#but anyway. when you love someone intentionally every day for a while. when does it go away? will it go away?#or will i have to live haunted by ppl who are alive but changed. so practically dead w/o the opportunity to mourn. for the rest of my life?#like i don't think i get it. loving this person was like. cooking and eating. intentional. ingrained into everyday life. effortful.#what if my mind does forget but my body still remembers. what then. what if it's like searching for sth you don't remember having anymore#ig I'm just trying to figure out how much to forget these days. how much won't hurt if it all comes back to haunt me#delete later
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saintcarrionn · 7 months ago
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why do men
#UGHHHHHHH. trying to sort out room allocations for my uni house next year and. hang on i need to set the scene#firstly there's 5 of us. secondly - and crucially - in that 5 there's only one guy. we'll refer to him as housemate M#now this guy is like a little brother to me. i love him. he's great. our sports club thinks we're either cousins or dating. great guy#apart from one tiny issue: he's got mad only child syndrome despite in fact having an older sister#so he doesn't want to share. he doesn't want to compromise. he especially doesn't want to take one for the team and have the small room#that no one wants bc it's small and doesn't have a mirror. this is where the guy thing comes in bc the rest of us are all girls#and we each Need Mirrors. we also just Have More Stuff. and not to be a misandrist but he's a man how much space does he really need#so this is already a problem bc we've taken months to even get to the point where we're actually figuring this out#and now!!!!!! housemate M is being obstreperous!!!!!!! he refuses to take said small room!!! he wants a big one!!!#he's forcing housemate Z to give up the room she originally wanted and making her take the small room!! he's being a dick!!#and i HATE THIS bc i KNOW what's going to happen#I'M going to have to take one for the team and take this miniscule room that won't fit my stuff and will doubtless trigger my claustrophobi#just so HE can be comfortable!!!#this is making me so mad. this is making housemate Z so mad. why are men like this. he's not even 19 yet get a GRIPPPP#BECAUSE ALSO!!!!! housemates M and H did JACK FUCKING SHIT for this house. they contributed ZERO to this whole process#me and Z and J did EVERYTHINGGG. so why are me and Z now being forced to compromise??????#I HATE LIVING WITH OTHER PEOPLE. SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD#uni life#<- if it doesn't KILL ME FIRST#2nd year
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moe-broey · 8 months ago
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Ohhhhhhh. Okay.
(thoughts/revelations about bride alt Sharena jumpscare)
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pierswife · 9 months ago
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Work doodles ft. "Hey look it me, you want a peek into the good ol mental--" /funny
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visdiefje · 1 year ago
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Man I can't wait until I can recover alone for a while
#I was alone in my apartment today and put together a standing clotheshanger shoerack combo#and it was actually so nice to do stuff and NOT receive verbal feedback I didn't ask for#I actually HATE when I start to do things wrong and immediately there's an audible no no no#it makes me feel like I Have to be on top of things and do them right immediately so everyone can be silent to me about it#trying to navigate life without triggering an unskippable cutscene as it were#if I do it on my own I will find out I'm going about it the wrong way soon enough#and I'll correct it#no nitpicking needed just using my time and brain to find a solution#it makes me feel so much better about myself#I'm already starting to see why I've always felt so incapable and inadequate. I can tell I really need this#I'm really curious what else I can do now that I'm allowed to figure it out in silence#more than ever reaffirmed that auditory is my quickest sense to wear me out/overstimulate#which is why reveiving verbal feedback I have to interpret makes me want to fly into a rage sometimes#because I NEVER get enough time to figure it out. they see me not change my course of action immediately and they take it out of my hands#it feels so. crowded and like nothing is in my control#give me time. give me space to breathe. let me make a mistake and understand firsthand why it's a mistake#please please please stop narrating everything to me. please. can we be quiet for a while.#you can sit with me but please don't tell me anything.#bien rambles
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thethingything · 1 year ago
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so we've been looking into a bunch of stuff about ciprofloxacin and first of all we should absolutely not have been prescribed it. we have like 4 or 5 different contraindications.
second of all we were told we'd had it before and been fine but I can't actually find it on our medical records because I'm pretty sure the doctor said it was what we took in 2017 but our records say we were given something different. in that case I guess our medical issues suddenly getting really bad out of nowhere wasn't due to being floxed, but they definitely got worse after we got floxed in 2019.
third of all there are so fucking many stories of people taking it and experiencing severe, permanent side effects. like it'd be one thing if these were really rare effects or whatever but this medication is notorious for it and there have been lawsuits over it
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#on the one hand the idea that our illnesses weren't initially triggered by a medication feels like a relief#because it feels less like it could have been avoided and if it was avoidable that'd probably feel a lot worse#but on the other hand I'm now really confused about the doctor telling us we'd taken it before and been fine#because there's no fucking trace of us having taken it before and we really shouldn't have been prescribed it#god this is a nightmare to navigate and like it sucks because we already knew it fucked us up when we took it in 2019#but I think our amnesia did its thing and blocked it out to an extent so now we just kind of go ''oh yeah that's the med we refuse to take'#without really thinking about what it did to us but realising why it had those effects is kind of making it sink in#and I do not like that I'm once again having to figure out just how badly a medication fucked us up#while also dealing with trying to figure out if the doctor lied to us about being prescribed it before#because for the last 5 years we've been working under the assumption that it's what we took in 2017 but apparently not#and I feel kinda ridiculous because I ranted about it to our mum earlier and was like ''hey so this might have fucked us up''#but no because by the sounds of it we never actually took it until 2019 so now I'm gonna have to explain that#and explain that the doctor probably just fucking told us we were fine with a drug we'd never actually been given before
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wandaluvstacos · 1 year ago
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my ill advised midnight post is that the asexual community's obsession with calling everyone valid is annoying. I thought we moved on from that in 2015 but I guess not. i don't need anyone's affirmation for being myself, I am myself whether or not anyone on the internet thinks it's cool or not.
What I'd actually like is to find descriptions of experiences that are like mine, but all I find under certain tags are "if you are *insert particular identity* then that's valid!" like... thanks, that's not actually what I need, what I need is specific people with specific experiences to express their frustration with the shit that frustrates me too. I don't need my head patted like I'm a child. Even if you thought I wasn't valid, I would still exist and still have to deal with the world.
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loumauve · 2 years ago
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#running face first straight into every single rejection sensitive wall atm and it's so frustrating#like. can we just not do this rn brain? I'm too tired to deal with this on top of everything else#all it does is make me alienate myself from people I care about and make me feel like shit afterwards#and it doesn't fix any of the underlying issues either. (like. I've been upset about ppl not doing what I do)#(as in read all of my fic like I try to read all my friends' fic usually. but like.. not everyone can and not everyone wants to)#(but it's one of those irrational things of 'if they cared about me wouldn't they also try' even tho that's not a fair ask)#(and like.. most people don't read random fic for fandoms they're not even in so this is entirely stupid to be upset about)#(but here we are anyway)#just.. me. raw to the very nerve and too tired to fix anything that might help alleviate it#I just want to feel normal again. and like I have control over my emotional state#but between 'dude fucked up bc of his borderline being triggered by grief and letting out all his frustrations on me for weeks'#and 'other dude grieving but not processing and not even taking a break to figure out where he's at emotionally..#..therefore dropping all of his unprocessed baggage and his part of the group work right on top of me' I'm just having a heck of a month#and idk. it would have been nice to talk to sb about my fic even if it's older now and not the best perhaps#(doesn't help when everybody you know writes really great fic and you're just outside the door scribbling some ideas into the sand)#idk. usually I do better in disconnecting self-worth and accomplishments and stop myself before the comparisons with others start#but rn it's all too much and I'm drained and exhausted and nothing feels good or helps much at all.#anyway.#it is what is I guess. and what it is is fucked and I doubt it's gonna change anytime soon.#that's not me being unrealistic or depression talking. it's based on how things have progressed thus far#there's another year and a half of this kind of stress which will likely get worse when our group grows from 18 to 31 in October#and then I'd have to start working proper again which I haven't in over two years bc of all the rehabilitation I've been going through#and it's terrifying and I'm already exhausted and worn down and worn out and I just don't know how normal is ever gonna be my life again
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