#I'm just tired all the time and have zero motivation for anything

[nobodybetterlookatme]

I miss your writing and art 🙁 Are you planning on post more?

If it makes you feel any better, I miss it too lmao. I do plan on it, yeah, it's just a matter of finding the time and motivation to actually write or sit down and doodle something 😅

[tainted-heartz]

Hello, hi! I love your writing! Would you be okay with writing Wally with a reader who has a hard time taking care of themselves but tries to hide it so no one fusses over them? Forgetting to eat, drink, not getting enough sleep, not being motivated to shower, etc. and he notices and tries to help? Sorry if this is strange, I've just been struggling lately and he's a massive source of comfort at the moment.

| oh no this isn't strange at all anon! I understand the struggle of having a hard time taking care of yourself but I hope this brings you some comfort!<3 |

- wally notices before anyone else does most likely , your change in behavior is a big part to him. he cares for you so of course he'd notice your patterns and even your schedule.

- he confronts you about it in a very gentle way , it was one night where you hadn't touched a bit of the dinner he made you so he finally spoke up. “ dearest , you can tell me about anything you know? I'm always going to be here to help you if you need it. ” despite you denying it he knew how to help.

- his first small step is to make small meals for you throughout the day or somewhat stay on a schedule. he always knows your favorite foods and drinks. wally won't force you to drink or eat anything but does light encouragement for you to do so.

- if you end up staying up late he'll pull you to bed with zero questions asked. he just let's you hold him till you start getting drowsy or ends up letting you rest your head on his chest while he rubs circles onto your back in an attempt to make you tired.

- if he sees you don't take a shower on the days you say you do he does his gentle encouraging to pull you away from what you're doing. he offers to help you wash your hair if you take a bath instead(he's respectful and wouldn't do anything else besides help you wash your hair in the first place-). hell he even goes as far as to make it like a little spa day to make it more entertaining.

- he does just about everything to make sure you slowly gain your motivation back over time but yet again he won't rush you. he'll be slow with you.

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

Hi? Gosh how do I even start with this :'D

I know it's been ages since I've last popped up on here. I've been debating when to post this for a while, but I kept adding to my draft more and more and now it's the end of JULY omgg I felt so guilty disappearing with zero updates but then thought my birthday would be the best day to finally address this considering it'll feel less random? idk but Ive always celebrated my bday with you guys and I'd feel so bad answering your kind asks without me at least explaining why I was gone for months.

Truth be told, I was dealing with a lot of stuff irl. health issues and sudden declining grades that left me stumped and drained for months now- along with technical issues like having to replace some parts of my computer that took a while for me to find to even draw digitally, which I didn't have the time for anyway with how tired and weary I felt every day.

I'm frankly shaken up by a lot of shit rn and I don't know how to be active online with this burden on my chest- Especially as it's been a while since I've even looked at utmv related content and my motivation dwindled. I swear I'd hype myself up to post or reblog something- but I'd see just how much I've missed or the overwhelming amount of posts I'd need to go through and I'd feel so swamped with exhaustion and most importantly guilt, for not clearing the air up sooner to reassure you guys that I'm, y'know, alive, and not dead in a ditch somewhere. And I'd procrastinate cause typing it all out is hard and I'd give up halfway every time and it's just not fair to you all!

I thought I was handling it well when I started going out and socializing more, instead of staying cooped up at home on my computer all day. and in the first draft of this post I made months ago I was gonna detail some of the fun plans I had, for my life and for this blog :D but relaxing my strict study schedule and letting go a bit of my tight routine, thinking it was better than wringing myself dry to keep it up, backfired horribly, to say the least.

I know right?? so silly to be hung up on stupid shit like studies of all things! but this is a very important thing for me considering my career plans and the competitivity encouraged by everyone I'm surrounded by, the pressure of keeping up adding to my already stressful days. I had to fix myself up first and I couldn't handle the strain nor interact with people and thinking of jobs and exams sapped my energy so much it's frankly embarrassing. writing this feels so cheesy too and it frustrates me to know I could've come back a month earlier if it weren't for that, but I also know putting all of this into words then would just sound like incoherent venting (not that this is very different tbf) and I wasn't in the right headspace to address my absence, or anything really- I didn't want everyone to see me return when I couldn't muster up a genuinely positive message, let alone talk to anyone with a shadow of my usual cheer

I feel like a complete mess and It drives me up the wall how depressed I've gotten. I debated deleting this blog so many times 'cause the fear of disappointing my audience and my friends, for lack of a more fitting sentiment, made me feel even shittier. I'm constantly thinking if this wall of text is worth posting, or if it's better not to burden you all with all my sappy troubles as if it's the end of the world. Trust me, I'll be fine. I'm not trying to dramatize this situation, but I don't think I'm up to pretending I'm all sunshine and enthusiasm you're all accustomed to.

So sorry for worrying you all! I'll try to catch up, deliver some missed birthday gifts, and answer some asks while I'm at it! Again, I can't state how much I appreciate your support throughout the years. It's frankly a miracle I kept any of you around with how much I keep popping and leaving at random with no warning. I definitely can't promise for my stay to be without a hitch, and if you don't mind an inconsistent schedule you're free to stay of course, but I'm afraid I can't sustain the pace I had when I first started this blog. I'll keep posting art, but lower my activity in the fandom sphere to reduce the strain on my mental health. so fewer rants and walls of text, more art, and less stress overall. Love you all and thanks for waiting for this long <3

[moliathh]

This had been irking me so i have to say it. I know Hellsing is a horror media with a LOT of flashy action scene, however, it is unjust to see it as solely gore and fights. I've seen complaints about how adding a "romance" in will reduce the quality of the story as an "action horror". (specifically speaking is between Alucard and Integra because of course in the end of the day this is just ship war, not a serious discussion whatsoever) I would argue that Hellsing is never ONLY about the actions. Yall might have already noticed how Alucard is too OP, and it was not even because he got any tricks up his sleeves. He is simply invincible, his mechanism is just that hes a "deus ex machina". He did NAWT need to start out with zero and levelling up like your common action anime protagonist. It's not a first time a central character is overpowered in an unreasonable way. A way you could interpret this trope is that it was not about battles, not the physcial one, but the development in their characteristic, their thoughts and emotions and ideology all that stuffs. A classic example is Sir Gawain and The Green Knight (TGK), where all of their (physical) battles are nonsense and did not mean anything in terms of combat, they dont even fight each other, even the climax (the decapitation of TGK) was dismissed into a looney tunes moment. BECAUSE OF COURSE IT WAS NEVER ABOUT THE BATTLE NOR PHYSICAL DEVELOPMENT, it was the internal struggle and maturing in character. THAT is what's happening in Hellsing IF yall look pass the very flashy facade of gore scenes Hirano put up. READ BETWEEN THE LINES, because he's not gonna hand it out to you on a plate. If you want to see how each character developed you have to look closely at their reactions and dialogues, not how they fight.

SO, imo, it's reducing the quality and message of Hellsing to interpret it solely as an action horror media, not the other way around. AND MIND YOU, romance subplot and action horror can coexist. For what does the character fight? A higher ideal? Power? Fun? Love? All that is noteworthy to think about when you engage in a media display many fight scenes. DONT YOU WANNA KNOW WHY THEY FIGHT THAT HARD ???? and in this case it is VERY obvious that Alucard is motivated by Integra. LIKE it cant be more obvious

And I'm so tired of seeing "Alucard only listen to Integra because of the seal and shes a Hellsing". Bestie, he literally ripped Richard's hand off, we dont even know the extent of the seal, like how far? or can it REALLY control Alucard? Besides, if you have read The Dawn you would see what a damn lazy ass Alucard was, Arthur sent him on a mission and he didn't even bother to walk on his own and just sleep safe and sound in his coffin until he felt like waking up??? Compare that to his enthusiasm to beg Integra on four just for her order and even purposefully tick her off by asking about her enthusiasm for war, oh and did we collectively forget this

(This is the Dark Horse eng scan if i remember correctly? i might be mistaken idk)

Sure it could just be a mere parallel, "The woman he personally desired" might only means Mina Harker and not directly Integra herself, I see. But, why bother choosing this parallel, and RIGHT after this panel he went STRAIGHT to Integra to ask for her order.

You know how enthusiastic he is with a fight and everything was already laid before him, worthy enemies and all. Yet he would not act without her words? I did not see him needing permission before ripping Richard's hand off... Also the seal did NAWT ask him to do all this

There are more of his sickening and excessive display of obedience but i don't have time to pull the panels out yet, but we all know its there since Alucard's submissive attitude and Integra's bossy demeanour is one of their most appealing traits, I know, because it is literally one of the BIGGEST selling points and running joke of the fandom, funnyyyy how people always love to call Alucard a sub and use words such as "freaky" and "slutty" to call him as if he didn't reserved this treatment for ONLY Integra. Sure Integra is a demanding boss to even her enemies, and it works like wonder everytime, because she's Integra, she mastered Alucard, others are just piece of cake to her. But that's not the same case with Alucard. Major literally said "She is the only authority Alucard recognizes". And have Alucard extended the phrase "My master" and all the begging and insinuating jokes to anyone else? It's so convenient isnt it, to just take one specific trait of Alucard's personality and make it his entire character without considering to WHO he directed those innuendos to.

Oh and I haven't walk us to the final chapter yet, like the seal did NAWWWWWTTT asked him to call her "Countess" (or Count, depending on the translators) and literally he could accept his death becoming a paradox? Wasn't Alucard had been craving an end for a long while now? Why the need to return just because Integra asked him to??? Be serious for a moment here

Also a personal interpretation of mine that could be a stretch or just pure delulu is that, in the manga AND the anime adaptation, the last word Alucard said after goodbye is "Integra" (In both Japanese and English dub, the word order is exactly the same), not "Master" or "Integra HELLSING". The same goes when he addressed how he can kill without remorse but the decision is in her hand, he also said "I am a monster, now regarding you, Integra". To me that is an indicator for how he CARED for her not just because she's a Hellsing or his master but she's Integra, from the first of their meeting it was very clear, that Alucard wounded A HELLSING to protect Integra.

So... even non-romantically, you cannot deny that Alucard voluntarily worked for Integra. They DO care about each other a lot, even platonically, their bond is almost like soulmates with how well they trust and understand each other. I just don't like it when people keep side-stepping the depth of their relationship just because you don't like to ship them romantically. These are the canon informations you can't just seriously unironically say that there was nothing there.

And oh don't even get me started on the "But he is a vampire, the enemy of her family and he hates Hellsing because of Abraham something something stockholm syndrome something she's ace coded she's lesbian coded she swore to be a virgin until death she wouldnt throw it away for the enemy of her family etcera etcera" you're saying it as if ace people aren't allowed to date or have sex and you're saying it as if Alucard isn't canonically genderfluid. Why always view the ship as solely heteronormative while they were never conventional to begin with. And MIND YOU, i thought everyone love the enemies to lovers trope?? they were BARELY stockholm syndrome at all did we forget about the Bird of Hermes analogy as a metaphor for loyalty voluntarily given.

If you care so much about "monsters and humans are forbidden" and "they are not canon" maybe treat every ship with the same attitude since MOST of hellsing most popular ships fit into that exact two sentences above, maybe except Pip x Seras is canon, but they're also human x monster, so what now???? Just hate on a ship all you like, I hate ships too and I hate them because I don't like them, that's all, no need to do extra mental gymnastic to prove the ship is "wrong" or their shippers are "wrong".

[sunrisethoughts02]

Self-Care: No Energy Edition (Five Minutes or Less)

~ Play some frequencies. There's tons of frequency mixes on YouTube for almost anything -- depression, anxiety, motivation, self-love, grief. They usually work best in headphones and require almost zero energy. simply press play and lay back.

~ Go outside. This can be extremely difficult, I know; when I'm having a depressive episode, I tend to become a vampire. But seriously...just go outside, find some grass, and just lay there for as long as you want. listen to some music. listen to the birds. just be.

~ take a low-energy shower. Sit on the shower floor and just let the water pour over you. that's all you need to do. you'll feel so much better at the end.

~ Watch something wholesome. For me, this is Studio Ghibli movies (which you can often find free online.) something relaxing and reassuring.

~ tea. feel the warmth travel and spread through your whole body. if you don't have any tea bags (or are too tired to find them) just warm some water up. it's really about the sensation of warmth.

~ yin yoga. takes a little more energy to get started (and is longer than five minutes) but yin can be as gentle and soft as you'd like, and requires very, very little movement. the goal is to sit, motionless, in a specific pose for 3-5 minutes, letting gravity do the work. in this case, it's less about how difficult the pose is or how long the practice, and more about the intention to do something good for your body.

~ listen to comfort music. search 'comfort playlists' on YouTube; there's so many great options.

~ open a window near your bed/couch/chair. listen to the sounds. the world is with you and for you.

~ keep some facial wipes by your bed. when you wake up ( or literally any time) wipe off your face. feel the sensation and energy shift.

~ if you can buy an acupressure mat, do it! you can usually find a cheap one online, and all you have to do is lie on it. it helps increase circulation and energy.

it takes a lot of courage to show up for yourself, especially when you're struggling. I believe in you 💜💜💜

[benkyoutobentou]

31 Days of Productivity Reading: Days 14-20

お久しぶりですよね！Sorry for dropping off of the face of the earth(lings). Since I've been so terrible at keeping you all updated, this update will just be a general all around update rather than my typical before and after format. Plus it's the end of the day and I didn't write anything beforehand.

To address the elephant in the room first and foremost, yes I did have a day where I failed my reading goal. There was one day last week where I just had a ripping headache and just went to bed early, having read a grand total of zero pages for the day. And then I slept for like twelve hours. So yeah, it was kind of rough. As usual, the next day was a bit of a struggle because I always feel that twinge of disappointment just telling me that I've already failed, why keep trying? But I pushed through, because failing one day is loads better than just giving up altogether.

Most of the time, I've just been reading my 25 pages and just calling it a day, even if I mean to read more. A lot of that is because I've been reading right before bed (which also makes it less appealing to get out of bed or pull out my phone to write an update when I just want to sleep) and I feel like by the time I get to that goal, I'm tired enough to sleep.

I found the middle section of the book (reminder since I haven't mentioned the title [outside of my terrible joke] yet: I'm currently reading 地球星人 by Murata Sayaka, the English title is Earthlings) to be a bit slower, which is such a death sentence in Japanese for me, but it just started to pick up again and I'm really excited to continue on!

I also did notice that at this pace I will not complete my goal of finishing three novels this month, but I have a plan! The current plan is to try my best to finish 地球星人 this week (I'm just over halfway through), spend whatever is left of the week and the weekend finishing up 憎らしい彼 , and then see how much of 本を守ろうとする猫の話 I can power through in the last week of the month. I did have one more manga series that I wanted to get to before the month was over because it was another that's a completed series that I want to see if I want to continue collecting, but I probably won't get to it unless I end up finishing a novel early one day.

Just a bit more on finishing up 地球星人 , I did end up calculating my average reading speed and seeing how much I would have to read to complete it by the end of the week. I find that Murata has a relatively easier writing style so my reading speed is about three minutes per page. That's comparable to something like キノの旅 for me. With that speed, I have to read about forty pages per day to finish it by Friday, or around two hours per day. That is very doable if I manage my time correctly. Now that I can see that I'm over halfway through the book, though, I'm hoping to finish it before then. Being able to see that I'm in the finishing stretch of a book always gives me more motivation to read and finish it!

And with that, I'm off to read some more before bed.

[every-type-of-spo]

TW VENT POST:

I'm so lonely. I'm so so lonely. I hate summer. My boyfriend doesn't want to talk to me because I'm annoying and ugly, and my family doesn't like me because I'm always "bitchy". I'm too much but not enough at the same time.

I have no friends. Nothing. No one ever texts me first, I have to initiate everything. I've made almost zero friends at college. This being my first summer home. I just want to die, I think. To just run away from it all. Buy the first plane ticket I can away from America and just...I don't even know. I am so lazy but I have no motivation to anything. I'm so tired of doing nothing but I have no motivation to do anything.

At least, at the end of the day, I have Ana. She's my only friend.

I actually made it a rule for myself that I can't commit suicide until I'm underweight. Only a few more kg to go.

[rolandkaros]

I was reading what u commented on the break point cancellation post and I found so interesting what u were saying in regards to Drive to Survive, but u stopped because it was long (which never bothers me with tags btw) so I wanted to ask u, if u can, to expand on why u think Break Point failed, I think we might agree but I wanted to know where u stand 🥰

lmfaoo yeah i went over the tag limit 😭

what i was saying was essentially that break point is just not a good representation of the sport.

i mentioned this before but genuinely the match recaps that natasha does in the kasatkina zabiiako vlogs (now what the vlog but it's still kasatkina zabiiako in my mind) are better than the shit they did in break point. it seems like they were edited by someone who's never watched tennis before in their life, there's no sense of rhythm or momentum...which like, i understand it's hard to condense usually 2+ hours of tennis into just a few moments, but what they were rolling out was just not at all representative of what watching tennis is like. it's not even just that watching live is more enjoyable, it's that the break point recaps were actively unhelpful in the context of their episodes. it was more informative for me to listen to the players/coaches/commentators etc. talk about the match than watching those highlights bc of how bad they are.

on top of this, there isn't a lot of like...tennis specific conversation? i'll admit i didn't watch all of break point, maybe 5 or 6 episodes across the two seasons (i think only one of those was from season two bc. gross), so maybe i just missed all of it, but most of the time when they talked about the actual tennis, it was super basic stuff that even someone with very little technical knowledge (i.e. me) already knew. which like, if i'm watching a docuseries ABOUT TENNIS, i'd love to, you know, hear a bit...about tennis? there were some bits that they did include, mostly about tennis mentality (the curse episode) but the rest of anything they mentioned was very player specific, which is not really helpful if you're an inexperienced fan and want to know more about the sport as a whole.

(compare this to drive to survive, which can be dramatic and gimmicky, but actually helped me TONS to understand some of the basics of how the sport works, so i wasn't just thrown in for the first race not knowing what a soft tire vs a hard tire is.)

another thing i think i mentioned drive to survive has going for it (which i think i did mention in the tags) is that aside from all of the drama and seriousness, there's also a lot of fun silly bts bits they include, so even if you're not into the format, there is still a motivation for fans to tune in to see their favorite drivers messing around. break point had...some of that...but not enough imo to make it worth gritting through, and again, it's tough because there are just so many players to cover that the likelihood or your favorite player being included is just not that high.

basically, break point doesn't appeal to any audience. i'm not even sure what it's target audience is. experienced tennis fans (or even tennis fans such as myself who aren't experienced but have at least WATCHED live tennis) find it poorly produced and uninteresting. unexperienced tennis fans have little or nothing to gain from watching it. there just seems to be zero purpose for it to actually exist besides a sort of faux-behind-the-scenes docuseries for the sake of saying they have one about tennis.

but the thing that frustrates me is i think there could be an audience for it! like, i love docuseries formats, especially in sports! but break point just seemed to be so poorly thought out. and look, if you can't appeal to all audiences, that's fine! but chose a target audience and actually try to cater to them. and i think that's where netflix notoriously goes wrong time and time again, is they're just very out of touch with what their audiences want, and then proceed to whine that no one is interested and cancel everything when their shitty poorly thought out products do poorly (or even when good products do well). but like i said, i think if more care was put into the product, if they paid more attention, asked more questions, they could actually develop a show that more people would want to watch. but i think the way break point was set up, it was just never going to succeed like that.

TL;DR: drive to survive appeals to multiple audiences, with difference experience levels, with a little bit of something for everybody depending on a fan's watching preference. break point appeals to..........................?

and netflix doesn't seem to realize that sports fans generally want. uh. sports. to be shown accurately in a docuseries about. uh. sports.

[humberg]

Update.

Aaaah here we go. Hullo everyone, I'm not sure if any of you have noticed but I have been very absent the past week. Zero interactions, zero likes, zero reblogs, just zero interaction between both tumblr and discord.

I'm not usually one to talk about my struggles, especially regarding my mental health. I'm the type of person who closes myself off from the world, I will literally become a hermit and will refuse to acknowledge anything until the phase has passed. Unfortunately, it hasn't passed as of yet but I wanted to give an explanation or an update if you will on my absence. FYI I will be talking about very sensitive topics such as depression and suicide so please don't read ahead if you feel like you will be triggered by these. The last thing I want is to make you feel uncomfortable with something I want to get off my chest. So I've added a keep reading just to be safe.

Not many people know this about me, but I am the type of individual who will hide all my feelings and self-doubts from the public eye, it's just something my brain has accustomed itself to as I don't want to be a bother to anyone.

Due to this, I have a habit of letting it fester and grow to a toxic level up to where I reach breaking point. I admit that has happened to me recently, I had been neglecting the signs. Work has been an ongoing struggle in itself with my mental health and anxiety which is forever ongoing, there is also the recent random drama that appears in blips within the community that has been a major red flag for me to avoid. And I will admit that I honestly burnt myself out making that pose mod, to the point that I have not opened Cyberpunk since I completed it several weeks ago.

I became a danger to myself, and as a result without warning, I woke up one morning with a sense of no belonging, a loss of hope and motivation for my future, the dread of having to get through the working day, and zero enthusiasm to do anything or get out of bed. Depression is nothing new for me, but this was the first time that I truly felt like it just wasn't worth it anymore. Have I had multiple suicidal thoughts to find peace? Yes, I have. Have I or will I ever act upon these thoughts? No, I haven't and never will. I myself have had first-hand experience of what it is like losing someone to suicide and I would not wish that upon anyone. To reassure you all, I am perfectly safe, I have very supportive family and friends close at hand and I am receiving help on the matter. I just felt that I needed to let you all know, as this is a big part of my life and I don't want to hide it anymore as I realise it is just unhealthy.

I don't want to seem like I am attention-seeking, far from it. Mental health is such a delicate subject and not everyone will agree and see it eye to eye. If you find this update of me sharing my biggest personal insecurity looking for attention? Fine, as long as it gives you the accomplishment of being a better person than I am. I'm just too tired of facing this alone.

I also want to say that I am very, very sorry. I have been absent for over a week and each day I have felt the guilt of not interacting with the tags I have received or giving all your content the love it deserves. I have also been very much absent on Discord, The server is always beaming with life and banter but I just couldn't find myself to face it, not just yet. I feel it is going to take time for me to get better and make sense of it all, I may still be absent from tumblr for a while but do know that I love you all very much and I do miss you. This is just one of those things that cannot be rushed.

<3

[thesealfriend]

it's wild how having a complicated mental illness makes Regular Depression Symptoms feel like being well, or at least well enough to get on with life

Like many people have said much more eloquently than me how it's important to remember that clinical depression can be just as severe as some of the more "intense"/less common/more stigmatised conditions, but at the same time the symptoms are so much more simple (simplicity not to be confused with ease, like lifting 100kg is simple in that all u gotta do is grab and pull, but that doesn't mean it's not extremely taxing) that it's very easy to trick myself into going "I'm not having flashbacks or panic attacks or dealing with Constant Nausea, so I should be just dealing with it and doing things, I shouldn't be this tired given I'm not up all night panicking and crying" while completely ignoring the fact that I just generally felt low and/or nothing, had zero motivation or energy, and was eating and sleeping as chaotically as I did while balancing unmedicated ADHD with studying full time.

And now I'm finally pulling myself out of it and just Generally Doing Things is so much easier I'm just like. Ah. Yes. Mental Illness 101: being depressed makes things hard, and I shouldn't beat myself up about it & instead just be glad it's easing off. And this is despite knowing that December is the Mental Illness Month, so of course I'm gonna be experiencing Problems. But like I say, given they're not the Aforementioned Trauma Problems, they just didn't register as being real?

Idk where I was going with this except it's a lot easier to feel like you're faking it while it's happening, because your perception of feeling normal is skewed, but then experiencing normal again makes it obvious in hindsight and it's honestly kinda reassuring? Like Yeah, That Was Real, I didn't do anything wrong to feel like that it just happened and now it isn't any more! Yay!

[captain-mj]

Heya, I love your writing! It’s the good shit.

Talking about good shit, you have dragged me into price x graves hell. It’s cozy here, so I‘m not complaining, but your recent angst headcanons for them made me crave more.

If you have the time/motivation for it, would you be up for expanding on those? It can take any form, really. More headcanons or maybe a short drabble about an instance where Price couldn’t trust Graves' word, but it came out he was being truthful (or anything about any of the previous headcanons rly (the food as apology hit different ngl), I just need angst rn).

Hope you have an amazing day! :D

The food apology has not left my brain, so here you go! Included a couple of my headcanons here

~~~~

Graves was staring a hole into him. "So you don't trust me?"

"Look, it's not that."

"No. It is that. It's good fucking intel, Price. Makarov will be there tomorrow. I have a few people who work there and..." Graves trailed off, just staring at him. He looked hurt and Price didn't get why.

"Graves. You can't tell me who the source is and... you know what happened in Mexico. I can't tell my team this intel on your word alone." Price was tired of this conversation. It felt like they had some version of it every week. He waited for Graves to do what he normally does, get angry. Maybe raise his voice a little before just giving up because he knew Price wouldn't budge.

Not this time. Graves quietly pulled on his coat, not looking at Price this time. Price frowned and went to touch his shoulder but Graves pulled back.

"I get it. I understand I... I messed up in Mexico. Really badly. Did things I'm not proud of. But you said you forgave me." He looked up at him. "If it really was just your team you're worried about, I'd accept it. But this isn't about your team. You just... don't trust me at all. You don't trust me with anything." Graves didn't look angry. "I'm going to head out for a bit. Want to grab some stuff for tonight."

Price sighed. "I'm sorry."

Graves looked up at him before shrugging and leaving.

Price went to his office as normal. They were all on base, plus Alex which was nice. He was American so a lot of them used him as a translator for Graves because asking that man to explain himself usually just made them more confused. Graves had laughed when he found out, saying he was glad someone spoke both their languages.

Price shouldn't have brought up Mexico. He sighed, watching Soap and Ghost continued their conversation about the map and best plans of execution. The map they were talking about was where Makarov had been seen lately. It made zero sense on its own, just a confusing set of points that looked painfully random.

Graves came in and paused. Most of his team had gravitated towards his office so there was quite a few people in his way.

"Ghost." Graves handed him a bowl. "Hand that to Price. Your stupid British stores are annoying, had to travel across your entire goddamn country." Ghost did as told, setting the food in front of Price.

Ghost looked up. "How the fuck did you make gumbo here?"

"How the fuck do you know what gumbo is?"

"I was stuck in Texas a while, don't want to talk about it, do you have more? Is it good? I'll pay?"

Soap hit him lightly, trying not to laugh.

Price was still stuck on what gumbo was.

"Well, I had to make a few substitutions and the base kitchen was missing some things, but you make do. There's plenty if you guys want some."

Alex and Ghost were gone.

Price frowned. "Why did you bring me food? You usually just wait for me to not be busy."

Graves blushed the smallest bit. "Look, it just got done cooking so eat it or don't." He crossed his arms.

Price quickly tried a bite, not wanting to be on Graves's bad side anymore than he already was. It was spicier than he was expecting, but good. Really good.

Gaz stole the spoon from his hand to try it. He got up. "I'll be right back."

Soap looked at Graves. "Ya didn't poison it did you?"

"I wouldn't waste the food on you guys. Would've just made fucking beans on toast." Graves glared at him. Soap nodded and noticing he was alone with them, quickly left.

"I hope you like it." Graves looked shy, not looking at him anymore. "Felt kinda homesick. Knew some of your crew had experience with the South and thought it would be nice."

Price got up and pulled him over, kissing him softly. He felt Graves stiffen before melting. They wrapped their arms around each other and stayed still for a minute. Price squeezed him before hearing his phone buzz. He pulled away to check it and saw that Makarov had been seen. Exactly where Graves said he would.

Graves looked at his phone and he could feel him biting his tongue to not say 'I told you so'.

"I'm sorry..."

"It's okay." Graves didn't have any inflection in his voice. "Do you guys have time?"

"We'll attempt. Do you want to come?"

Graves looked excited. "Yes. I'd love to come."

Price squeezed him a little tighter. Neither knew how to apologize. It seemed to work just fine for today.

[pinkboxess]

ruminations on fanfiction

I have been all happy today because of all the requests I got, so I'm thinking about all the reasons I love fanfic, and all the happiness it brings to my life, yada yada yada.

So, I majored in English, and for the first half or so of my undergrad, I planned to go into the publishing field. (This will be relevant, I promise.) I wrote things that I submitted places and tried to get published. Some of them were accepted and some of them were rejected. I took editing classes and volunteered as an editor for my school's literary journal.

And I didn't like it.

I realized after a little bit that the more "advanced" I got into that field and that world, the more I disliked it. It wasn't what I was best at, either. I never really got the hang of making good editing decisions (as in, deciding whether to accept or reject a submission). Trying to cater my own writing towards what publishers wanted was also less than enjoyable.

I love, love writing, so it's not that I regretted my major or lost the passion or anything. But I like writing the most when it's not going to be evaluated. Either when that's my own writing being evaluated by a publisher, or me as the editor evaluating someone else's work. Those are important jobs that I don't want to dismiss as inherently immoral or something like that-- if you're an editor, that's awesome. But it just wasn't for me. I always liked people's pieces too much or not enough, depending on whether it spoke to me, personally. It was too hard to be objective. I didn't really like trying to be objective.

So I don't write stuff to send to publishers anymore. For one thing, I'm in grad school now in a different field, and for another, I just really don't enjoy myself as much when I'm writing a piece that makes my brain go into that mode of "this has to be good" in a literary sense of the word good. At some point in my life I might like to go back to that kind of writing. But for right now, it's just not enjoyable, and since writing is a hobby for me, I don't make myself try to sit down and write something that I'm not excited about.

But I write loads and loads of fanfiction because fanfiction is so freeing. It's the epitome of self-indulgence. It's like this giant playground where I can write about vulnerable concepts like sexual desire and body image and aging and relationships. I mean, personally, I don't see myself writing sex scenes in anything except fanfiction, especially ones so detailed and intended for enjoyment.

But it's really like you're writing in this separate little safe bubble where you can do anything you want. The only feedback you receive is positive (I mean, just personally, I've never received a hate comment, so I can say that.) You can write works that are as short or as long as you want. You can post every day or once a month. You can always write the exact same trope, or you can do something totally new every time. And whatever you write, there will probably be an audience for it.

It's writing just purely for the sake of enjoyment. You're not trying to be good. You're not trying to pen a masterpiece. You're not submitting it for approval-- instead, you're posting it to be enjoyed freely, with zero barrier to entry. And that's what prevents me from losing motivation. I don't get tired of it, because it's always fun, and if anything about it isn't fun, I just don't do that.

I am so glad I've found some people in one of the corners of the internet who read my fics <3 it's such a fun hobby and distraction and escape and therapy substitute. Thank you for feeding my hyperfixation/special interest/obsession.

[books-and-catears]

hot take?? maybe??? but the fanfics CARRYYYY this fandom, i was one of those fans who got so invested in the fandom before i even played the game properly and let me tell you i wasn't disappointed per se but the game lacks so much that its not even funny anymore 😭😭

Honestly I think most of the fandom would agree with you. The game gives us just enough tid bits of information and canon to keep us guessing and going off with our own assumptions. And I swear so many of the fanfictions and headcanons I've read here are so amazing, it could legit pass as canon.

Spoilers ahead >>

I'm glad that certain characters did get progression. We do see Solomon become more warm and open, his loneliness slowly being replaced and Simeon lose his angel status, becoming more rebelious against the laws of Celestial realm and pursue his individual happiness. We even see Luke slowly learn to like demons because of Barbatos.

And of course, a whole new side of Lucifer when he lost his memory in the second season and Beel's whole arc about his motivations in season three.

I'm glad we also do see more complex sides to them in the card stories but it barely reflects in the main storyline.

So I can't fault the game entirely.

The game caters to a huge range of ages, so I absolutely understand if they want to keep things from getting too dark for the younger fans or people who like to play for comfort.

But it's just certain tropes are getting so tiring.

For example, Satan's anger toward Lucifer being one of his defining features and constituting one of the arcs in each godamn season. Like I understand these things take time but seriously, Satan just keeps getting better and then regressing again.

Or like Mammon still constantly being bullied by his brothers with zero progression on them getting better or Mammon standing up for himself. Even Asmo had this whole arc about learning that his talents and creativity are more important than his looks but is there any change? None.

And yes Belphie's whole villain arc is never brought up nor altered. And it still fills me up with so much rage.

And notice the love meters in the game? Usually in games that is what helps you choose a route right? Now I get it, this is a harem game and we have to involve everyone. Cool understood.

But I just wish maybe the love meters sort of helped determine the which characters you get to interact with more.

To be more elaborate, in certain games the choices you make depending on dialogue sort of alters the way the character views you. Based on that you may or may not get more interactions with that character.

I know it's a lot to ask for, so obviously I'm not trying to be demanding or anything. Just wishful thinking is all. Idk really but I'm up for discussion if anyone wants.

[otomiyaa]

Questions & Answers

Hi hi, finally some time to write this! Due to recent events I've been getting some questions from various people and I also have some questions for you guys so I'll try to do this in 1 post 😸

My answers:

Are you really not planning to write fics anymore?

That's the plan *nodnod*, but you know me. There's always a 'but' and a clown mask ready in my storage to put on if I happen to go against my own words. But the intention is to stop posting fics here, I'm too tired of it now lol. I might post a fic or two on AO3 once in a while, maybe write a collab with Mia if I feel like it. It's just... how do I say it.. my motivation to write more fics basically got washed down the drain together with blog #1. Let us see for how long that motivation swims in the sewers...

Can you reupload [fic name]?

If it's on my AO3, I won't. If it's not, hmm.... I probably also won't. But! It depends on the fic. Always feel free to ask, but please don't get angry when I say no! ^^ For now I have an exception: commissions. More about this down below in my question to you guys.

Why won't you try to get your old blog back?

It would require filing an objection against the copyright claims against me with all the legal risks, submitting my personal info from home address to name, and consenting to USA legal law stuffs bluhblahblah... :") For me too much of a hassle. I don't think my blog is worth it. Even if I don't know the exact details, I'm sure they're not wrong. Whether it's fair or not, most fandom stuff has copyright issues in the end, so I can't protest against the claims with 100% certainty it won't get me in real trouble. More info about this soon in another post!

My questions:

👇 only for those interested, feel free to comment, send ask or DM if you have can help :)

Do you have reblogs of my old posts?

To everyone who has some posts left on their blog that were mine, whether it's a headcanon, fic (still accessible one, so not a broken 'keep reading'- link), manga or anime scene, ask game, gif set or translation, if it's not too much trouble could you maybe comment on that post and @ me? Or... send me a link or smth in DM? Doesn't need to be every single trivial post. Maybe just the ones you liked most, or something... idk. I just might want to re-share a couple of posts here and it's so hard finding reblogs of my anonface-blog through search functions and stuff. Any help will be greatly appreciated!

P.S. I also found a lot of old posts, or posts that I liked (such as tickle art etc.) in the archives of @ticklygiggles, @ticklishdreams, @infrequent-creator - I hope you guys won't mind me making use of this (also thank you for the awesome support through the years afihs;ogojjoihgjn)!

Did you have a commission that was on my blog and do you prefer if this is reposted or not?

Some people 'bought' fics back when I had a shady kofi shop running and those fics were posted both on my AO3 and Tumblr (+ were sent in PDF format if requested). No matter how much you paid for the fic, part of the deal was that it would be posted on Tumblr so if by any chance you lost a commissioned fic and wish for me to repost this here on the new blog, please let me know...:3

Anything else? 👀

Well... With the loss of my account there were more things that went lost than just my fics, such as asks that were still in my inbox, DMs, personal stories and more. I did not back up anything and have zero overview and my memory is shit. If I am forgetting something, if you once sent me something and it's now gone (and you still have it), or if there's anything else I am missing smh, please let me know.

However please note that I am not planning to turn this blog into a copy of my previous one. If you submitted a fic to my old blog, I won't repost it here sadly (I hope you saved it). But if you posted an irl tickle story (I'll still accept these), a headcanon for your fav character or pairing or something else, I'll gladly accept it even if it's a copy of what you once sent to my old blog! With that said, I'll go back to finishing that second-to-last tickletober fic of mine... after I eat dinner. muhahah.

[fonulyn]

what sort if things do you want to talk abt with people/what would make you feel better?

I mean, in an actual utopia? :'D I'd love it if people were excited for what I'm working on. if they'd ask about the fics in progress, kick my butt when I can't get shit done, and push me into doing more. maybe even give feedback already during the process! i know it's too much to ask for, especially when so rarely even finished fics get excitement or feedback, but it's what a Dream World would look like lol.

ideally I'd love it if I had some friends who I could actually brainstorm with and talk about the stuff I'm stuck on or trying to otherwise flesh out. my dog does listen but rarely has any suggestions I can take :'D I know I got spoiled because earlier (like …two years ago lol) I had someone who was always excited to talk about the ideas and brainstorm with me, and who kicked my ass into gear if I was dragging my feet, and I got used to it and now that i'm supposed to just figure everything out alone I have zero motivation to actually do it. the kind of instant feedback I got then was the best motivator ever. now? eh.

and I'd love it if my feeble attempts at trying to talk about wips wasn't just brushed off. if i post on tumblr about something it's most of the time ignored. i've tried to talk to multiple people, and in return i get either the "you'll figure it out eventually" or a complete topic change immediately. no follow-up questions, no excitement, no nothing.

and I'd love it if people didn't go "oh I can help brainstorm that!" and then not even bother to read it. go "I'm gonna comment on that soon!" and never do it. empty promises do nothing but get hopes up and end up in crushing disappointment.

I know people are busy, people have their lives and shit happens but like. it's easy to not make promises you can't (or have no intention to) keep, imo.

and idk in the Olden Days I had multiple people to chat general fandom with, and it in turn sparked fic ideas, and excitement, but now that doesn't really exist either.

just to be clear I'm not expecting anyone to be at my beck and call 24/7 all the time :'D god no :'D but it's so friggin' disheartening when I get a new idea, am all excited about it, and then deflate when I know I don't really have anyone to hype me up about it. so then i won't do it. or then i write like two sentences a day maximum and never get shit done. and every damn day i'm getting closer to just quitting for good. i really really don't wanna abandon my to-write-list and leave shit unfinished but it's starting to look like the only viable option left.

idek. I'm tired. i know it's just a pipe dream and i'll just keep struggling until i fade away from fandom and no one notices lol but yeah.

(it is really nice to just chat about anything with people too, tho, so a shoutout to those who did reach out and who i've been occasionally chatting with :3 it is appreciated!)

[binarybitex]

monday, 04/08/2024

below the cut: updates on Heart Hollow, a snippet from today's writing, as well as a little peek into my busy body kind of day :-)

genuinely such a productive day. I slept for like 14 hours, had some wacky dreams, and woke up feeling completely revitalized !!

I wanted to get some writing done this morning but ahhh kinda stressed out. this week I have a lot of responsibilities to tend to. so I decided to just get a bunch of chores done and brainstorm out loud to myself as I tidied up. and wow what a motivation tactic! I have so much fun just spit balling while doing mindless tasks like cleaning that I just... kept cleaning!

I went to the grocery store too, and made chocolate chip cookies for me and my partner. took a shower to wash off all the cleaning chemicals I felt lingering on my skin. yucky. thinking about it, all I had to eat today was a coke zero and a chocolate chip cookies. no wonder my stomach hurts lmao

I wrote down some of the ideas I've had over the weekend. I'm reworking the structures of books 2 and 3. it's hard not to get too ahead of myself... I still have a first book to finish!! ahhh.... I just think book 2 is going to be a lot of fun to write. I just love writing romance so much.

around sundown I decided to actually sit down and open up Heart Hollow. the past week or so I've been aching to rework what I have for chapter 10. like I've been saying, this chapter has been killing me for months. I think I finally got it down though.... I really needed to consider what lewis was feeling after certain events in the upcoming chapter Boss Babysitter. (so hard to talk about it without spoiling !!)

i wrote until a quarter till midnight and now I'm finally laying down in bed ..... had to force myself bc my document was starting to look like a jumbled mess to my tired eyes lmao... oh and I guess bc I have time sensitive responsibilities tomorrow too.... whatever tho 🙄 lol

and, from today's writing burst, a little snippet. the only snippet I could share that doesn't flat out spoil anything aaagghh.......

eeeeek I can't wait for boss babysitters release. I know I keep saying that I JUST want to be prepared before I send it out into the world. id like to have more writing on deck so I don't leave y'all hanging on ANOTHER cliff hanger for months ...... sorry about that btw. I know the mirror break is a fat fucking ball to drop and leave off on..... lmao 💀