#I'm having a hard time letting go
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ok i swear i'm not going to talk about my breakup forever but the thing that just keeps bothering me:
i know that not getting what you need in a relationship is a COMPLETELY valid reason to end it but also. i feel like having a very vulnerable moment where i opened up about my struggles with intimacy and being relieved that i didn't have to keep doing things i wasn't comfortable with, then being dumped a YEAR later because of my lack of intimacy. is something i should be allowed to be very hurt by???
#ramble#sorry i'm currently in a phase of 'of course this happened' and 'oh i deserve this because i didn't give him what he wanted'#like he knew i was grey ace since the start. and he let it go on for SO long after i said i might be vaguely aro as well#if that's a dealbreaker for you bc of your love language then FINE but NIP IT IN THE BUD#he said he put it off because he didn't want to hurt my feelings but it only hurt me MORE#like you're an adult. grow the fuck up and communicate like one#holding your negative feelings in hoping somebody notices you're hiding them is what TEENAGERS do#and also i told him VERBATIM: i didn't think anyone would ever love me because i'm not comfortable with xyz. and he just confirmed that#idk i still feel like i'm being selfish because how could i expect someone to be in a relationship with me when i can't give them anything#also tmi but it's not like we did NOTHING. we still held hands/cuddled/were close. he just didn't have his tongue down my throat anymore#so obviously i'm assuming by 'missing affection' he just meant sex and as an ace person that just fucking sucks#also oh my god i HATED how much he would imply we were going to have sex. i would have to keep SAYING 'i don't like doing this'#he always spoke like it was inevitably going to happen and it didn't click how GROSS i felt about it until recently#also ALSO not to go there but i never told him WHY i struggle with it (it's sensory issues)#and like. what if something had happened to me that made it hard for me and i just wasn't ready to tell him. and then he did this#again sorry to overshare this is still just a lot for me and i have no idea if i'm being unreasonable#if you're ace and in a relationship please let me know bc i'm starting to think it'll end this way every single time
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Never gonna live that down.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#lan jingyi#jin ling#Surprise comic for today because this was cut from the previous comic.#And I'm so close to finishing season 2! I want to post my final comics and celebrate!#I imagine they (the juniors) hold the stabbing incident over Jin Ling's head for years. Akin to a funny typo in the group chat.#The stabbing is his Grink. Every time JL and WWX are seen interacting someone makes a teasing remark.#“I'm going to go ask Wei Wuxian what he thinks about our night hunt plans.” “Okay! Don't stab him ^-^.”#I also imagine WWX eventually leaning into it. A little bit of teasing to let it be known that there are no hard feelings.#LWJ (the funniest guy ever) would bide his time. Waiting for it to die down.#Then launch devastating blow as he joins in with “Wei Ying is in the courtyard. Please refrain from stabbing him today.”#Modern AU juniors would be brutal with the group chat lore. The pinned messages is a hall of fame and a hall of shame.#Nothing is forgotten. Nothing is sacred.#And poor jin ling is too reactionary. He is the ideal target because he flusters in a funny way.#I (the punchline friend) know my role well. I have been at the epicenter of many memorable typos and on-going bits.#You have to embrace it. Reverse it on them. Wield it as your power. Edit your messages to INCLUDE the typo.#(Fellow punchlines; I would *love* to hear your stories. Your jestery burdens. Your infamous typos. This is a safe space.)
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As someone who lived in a home where it was not safe to be queer but their first love was their same-sex best friend, I really cannot emphasize the importance of characters like Charles Rowland enough. As someone who deals with shame from years of self-hate, repression, happy-masking, and being called a "Token ally" by even my queer friends while feeling wrong wrong wrong about it, and being the kind of person who just didn't "Look queer enough" or whatever the fuck arbitrary, exclusionist rhetoric people would casually hurl about, I just really can't believe we have a character like him.
He's complex and deeply scarred and I've never cared about a character like this before. I've never felt so "Seen." I can't wait to save this show because seeing him heal will be like a balm on my heart. His character arc is completely unique and handled with such care that it brings tears to my eyes.
That's all. I am just so deeply thankful for & emotional about Charles Rowland tonight.
#I'm not commenting on any of the Payneland panic because I stg if one more person treats his trauma and pain as a background story#that doesn't deserve screentime in favor of rushing him into ANY relationship so help me god I will lose my shit#Let him 'Figure the rest out' goddamnit! It's hard being an abused child out here! We do not feel like we deserve love okay? Let him realiz#he DOES deserve love. Edwin got a whole season to figure his shit out Charles deserves the same damn#No Charles Rowland hate in my house. No straight Charles 'lads lad' truthers I'm done with it!!! I won't be having it!#oh for the record I ship Payneland like a motherfucker. They are the ship of all time and very obviously endgame#anyway GO STREAM DEAD BOY DETECTIVES#save dead boy detectives#dead boy detectives#dbda#charles rowland#dbda netflix#the dead boy detectives#the dead boy detective agency
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Something I really like about timebomb is that Ekko actually knows what he's getting into.
I'm not really seeing it get talked about but in season 1 they mention that Ekko and the firelights help people addicted to shimmer get off it and lead more fulfilling lives within the community. I should probably rewatch the scene for the exact wording (might be misremembering tbh) but that comment implies A LOT.
First: Ekko's mission is helping people where he can, he would probably try and help Jinx even if he wasn't in love with her
Second: He has experience dealing with severe mental illness as that often goes hand in hand with drug abuse, namely depression/suicidal ideation like what Jinx was exhibiting
Third: He's probably mapped out best course of action FOR dealing with this and has already figured out his own limits/boundaries. Meaning he knew what he was getting into trying to talk Jinx out of suicide, and was thus more equipped to deal with the aftermath
Fourth: He's probably helped ex members of Silco's gang. The firelights seem to have a theme of healing and repairing and recovering, so they've probably also learned to forgive. If they're mission is to rebuild the lanes into a safe space, they can't exclude people they don't like, they have to make room for them. I think they fought Silco out of necessity, and I doubt Jinx would be the first person they help who's killed one of them.
These all might be a bit of a stretch but I think it really fits. Beyond that, it shows that Ekko can ACTUALLY help Jinx. As much as unconditional love can do, Ekko has the tools for Jinx's recovery and a path ready for her. He also probably knows that her "healthy" will look different from AU Powder's "healthy." On top of that, I expect he knows how to respect her even in the middle of psychotic breaks and won't agitate her already frail mental state
#if you would like to (respectfully) disagree with me I'll GLADLY talk with you. I can think of nothing but Arcane atm#timebomb#ekko arcane#putting it in the tags bc I want to let people agree with my timebomb takes without having to listen to my other ship opinions#uh on that note I have some Caitlyn and Vi opinions that go a bit hand in hand with this#but I think that in contrast Caitlyn and Vi are mutually self destructive#see neither of them seem to make the others mental health... better.#Vi is desperate and needs love wherever she can get it#and Caitlyn... I'm not sure. I have a hard time reading her but a lot of the vibes I get off her feel like she just likes having the power#over vi#I KNOW THAT'S A STRONG CLAIM#hear me out#Vi in her search for unconditional love does a lot of enabling#a good example is when Caitlyn arrests that henchman in episode 3(?)#Vi is VISIBLY uncomfortable with that and for good reason!#Caitlyn just locked someone up for life for... nothing?#kinda like Marcus did to her (yes Marcus was trying to protect her but I doubt that's how Vi sees it)#but Vi doesn't voice this or push Caitlyn on it#instead she asks Caitlyn not to change#not great communication on Vi's part#but also indicative of how little their values align#and how little Caitlyn actually considers Vi and her problems and history#Caitlyn doesn't help Vi heal and she turns on Vi the second Vi stops enabling her and letting Caitlyn do as she thinks is best#neither of them are ready to deal with the others problems or communicate well#again. willing to discuss this. my opinions are swayable.#I just personally found Caitlyn made the most sense and was most compelling when she was going down facist dictator path#sure she could be more but I don't think the show ever really transitioned her away from that#you can see it in the way she treats Maddy#hhhhhh I should go to bed rather than spill every last thought I've ever had
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Incorrect, the fact that Biden has dropped out and a candidate with history of supporting medicare for all and being more receptive to a ceasefire in the I/P conflict has made me go from "I cannot morally support the Democratic nominee" to "I am voting for the Democratic nominee despite the fact she isn't perfect in every respect." I'm really happy this played out. The Dems for the most part abandoned the old Obama platform and it feels like its possible an actual progressive agenda could come to pass in my lifetime.
Kamala 2024!
If you weren't going to vote Democratic in this election before Biden dropped out you're a dorkass loser who does not care about any of the issues you're yammering about here and also a fundamentally bad person, and I hope you get run over by a bus.
But you got one thing right in all of this gibberish, Kamala 2024.
#personal#answered#anonymous#i mean let's be clear here no president is gonna attempt to be progressive ever again within my lifetime#because joe biden tried to do like 25% of that and got ZERO fucking credit#he did so much on healthcare on reform on loans on so many social issues and for all his litany of failings on i/p#he has been distinctly harsher on netanyahu than a good chunk of dems and certainly the entire republican party#for the first time since i was four we are not involved in any wars as americans and that is thanks to joe biden#but the thing is that he gets no credit for any of it!#him pulling out of afghanistan caused his approvals to tank in a way that never recovered#and leftists gave him FUCK ALL for it#they gave him nothing they just continued whining that even tho he cancelled a bajillion in student loans#he didn't actually cancel a QUADRILLION dollars so both parties are the same and voting is the most arduous task known to man#no democrat who is running is going to forget that catering to leftist/progressive policies gets them zero leeway with those supporters#that it not only tanks numbers but you still get constant haranguing about it anyway#so they're not gonna do it#we are gonna get fuckall for at least a good fifty years#and anything we get will be utterly in SPITE of people like you anon it will happen in spite of everything you've done#mostly because of people like me and mine who understand that voting is the bare minimum#and that for the democratic process to work the way you want it to you need to participate and not pitch a fucking fit#like a four year old who was told they can't go to disney this weekend#like i know you ratfuckers are happy this played out because this is all a game to you and you don't actually care#but that's why i've got zero faith in you people and why i'm glad it's my kind of folks#actual die hard democrats who have always been hardliners for supporting democrats in every possible election#who are picking up the slack and donating to harris and supporting her agenda#which is the exact same as biden's because she's his vice president and they share they same platform#because that's what they were both running on! twice!#anyway fuck you please feel free to find a necktie and test how tall your doorframe is
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The Songbird
Yandere Adoptive Fae King Dad & Child Reader
Part One
King Solaris was in a foul mood, today marked three years since his youngest daughter left to go study with the Northern Sea Witch and he missed her terribly. While three years is not much long to a fae, for a father it seemed an eternity. His court was as it always was, laughter and screams, dancing and bleeding, the same faces, the same smells and he was bored of it all.
“Father,” said his eldest son, watching his father’s tail lash back and forth as he sat on his throne, “might I suggest that you might go for a walk? How long has it been since you’ve been in the crossroads? Surely better to patrol them then stay to stew in your restlessness?”
The King sighed heavily, his flame orange cape draped over the left side of the throne. “Your sister hasn’t written yet,” he said, eyes still on the writhing mass of his court in front of him. His hand moved from propping up his chin to covering his heart, “I should go and see her.”
“Father,” said the eldest son, struggling not to implore the sky herself, “She has not missed a single day of letters, we both know that it will come. Stop sitting like a house cat and find something to take your mind off it until it comes.”
The King sighed even more loudly because he knew his son was right, with a flick of his wrist his cape turned into an emerald green hunter’s jacket standing up. He turned to face his son, seeing the crowd in the reflection of his eyes. His son was taller than him now and it brought a great pride to him. “I leave you to watch til I return my son,” he said with a slight head bow.
His son fully bowed his head, laurel green curls falling past sharp black horns, his hand over his heart, “Thank you for the honor father,” he said.
Solaris couldn’t stop a soft smile thinking of the same boy he brought home all those years ago. He reached out ruffling his sons hair, laughing at the slightly annoyed look his son gave as he stood up height again.
“See you soon father,” said Callan, a touch more dry than before. The King laughed again, turning and completely disappearing from the court.
It had been a while since he’d been in the cross-lands where human and fae territory overlapped. The human area changed from time to time, no one knew where the crossroads would be, and when that would change. When he reached the other side, he found it to be in he same place it had been about fifty years, he counted the years in a tree nearby. It was an early summer day where all the birds and insects were singing together but they knew well enough that the King was not in a fair mood and so went silent in respect.
The King stalked forward hands in his pockets as his mind wandered over the state of the forest, feeling how much closer the humans had settled nearby. He could smell them, even this far away and it irked him more with each passing second. It was odd for the boarder to stay for so long, usually half the time it had been here. He hadn’t cursed a town in quite a while. It might be a good way to bring back respect the humans seemed prone to do.
He was brought out of his thoughts by the sound of a thin reedy but full hearted singing. He clicked his tongue out loud, listening closer to realize it was a human whelp that was singing.
A child should know better than to be loud when the forest is silent. Where is it’s guardian to keep it safe? Or do the humans think we so weak to not show our teeth?
It was an easy task, show himself and play with them a bit, see if they were smarter than their parents. Maybe he’d turn them to a songbird since they seemed to love their voice. A lesson to neglectful parents about teaching your child to walk around the forest alone, as if they owned it.
He did admit that the child did have a rather sweet voice, and he had thoughts of shaping them something into more than just a simple songbird, maybe one that could also speak and mimic. Something he could put in a glass birdcage and listen to when he was bored.
The child was bent over in the dirt, singing some old folk song, hair loosely back dirty and sweaty. Who knows when they last had a bath, the King scoffed internally. Their clothes not much better much too big, covered in a thick layer of dirt. It all only strengthened his resolve to turn them to a songbird they would be treated much better than they were currently.
He stepped into the forest clearing, the air around them both growing thick and wild, a smell of hot summer grass hung like a cloud. The King watched motionless with a smile as the hunched figure froze in place, smart child to know when they were outmatched, no grand heroics or disrespect. The child lifted their face, and the King was oddly pleased, it was cleaner than their hair and he could that the child had spent most of their life facing towards the sun. Their eyes looked the same as a fawn caught in the sight line of a wolf, but their mouth was turned into a hesitant smile.
The King cocked his head to the side at the child’s smile, before he could say a word the child spoke.
“Hello,” they said, their voice soft with a slight tremor but a distinct note of hope, “what’s your name?”
With those simple four words, the Solaris knew that this was to be his third child. A neglected songbird, but with a quick wit and curiosity that spoke of greater things than their tiny village. He wanted to scoop them up, and tell of all the great things they would see and do. But this was not his first time bringing a child of his own. So he smiled as he knelt to be closer to the eye-line. of the child.
“You, songbird, may call me, Solaris, may I know what you to call you songbird?”
When the child’s face brightened, any hesitation was gone, this child was his and he couldn’t wait to bring them home.
#yandere oc#yandere oc x reader#yandere x you#platonic yandere#yandere x gn reader#yandere x reader#can be read as platonic or romantic#child reader#yandere adoptive dad#*drops this and runs*#heyyy guyys#my life has been kind of on fire but things seem to be slowly looking up#I can't promise what will be next will be anytime soon I've had a hard time writing but I'm going to keep trying#also I have no beta so please let me know if I misspelled or have a grammar error#you guys get to meet half of the sibling duo and will meet the other sooner than later#what do you think of our prince?#byeeeeeee
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One thing that I feel is really interesting and often forgotten about Essek is that fundamentally, his characterization has been from the start based upon his desperation for external perspectives and connection, which, along with much of his narrative and mechanical positioning, means that he actually has an extraordinary and almost (but not actually, as I'll show) counterintuitive capacity for both growth and trust.
(Buckle in. This is a long one.)
In particular, I would argue, knowing now that many places where the plot touches Ludinus have long been marked for connecting back into the current plot, that he was quite possibly built as a prime candidate for radicalization by the Ruby Vanguard. He felt isolated from his culture, he was desperate for other connection, and he was certainly of the type to believe he was too smart to be drawn into such a thing, given his initial belief that he could control the situation and the fallout. If things had gone any other way, he easily could've been on the other side by now.
As such, he has been hallmarked by being fairly open to suggestion, perhaps for this reason, but the thing about that kind of trait is that it is both how people are radicalized and deradicalized. This is certainly true of Essek, who experienced genuine kindness and quite frankly strangeness from the Nein and was able to move from the isolation the Assembly had engendered to meaningful and genuine connection, largely propelled by his own internal reflection. By the time Nein are aware of his crimes, he's already begun to express regret to an extent and, furthermore, doubt in the Assembly, including explicitly drawing a line against Ludinus, even in a position where he was on his own and probably quite vulnerable.
Similarly, when the Nein reach the Vurmas Outpost some weeks later, he has moved from regret for the position he's ended up carrying a heavy remorse. This makes sense! He's fairly introspective, seems used to spending a lot of time in his own head, and was left with plenty to mull over. It's not some kind of retcon for him to have progressed well past where the Nein left him; it just means he's an active participant in the world who has done his own work in the meantime.
This is another interesting aspect to him. I've talked about this a bit before but I cannot find the post so I'll recap here: antagonists in D&D have significantly more agency than allied NPCs. Antagonists are active forces, against which the party is meant to struggle; allies are meant to support the PCs, which means they tend to be more passive in both their actions and their character growth. Essek was both built as an antagonist, in a position that gives him significant agency, and also was then given significant opportunity to grow specifically to act as a narrative mirror for Caleb's arc. Even when he becomes a more traditional D&D ally, he still retains much of that, though he occupies a supporting role.
I believe that this is especially true because of the nature of Caleb's arc, which I've already written on; the tl;dr of this post is that Caleb is both convinced that he is permanently ruined and also desperate to prove that change is possible. Essek is that proof, because he is simply the character in a position to do so. But this also means that his propensity for introspection and openness is accentuated! He has to do the legwork on his own, for the most part, because that's where he is in the meantime.
But he still ends the campaign necessarily constricted; he is under significant scrutiny, he's at risk from the Assembly, and he goes on the run fairly soon after the story ends. He spends most of the final arc anxious and paranoid, which is valid given the crushing reality of his situation. It would be very easy to extrapolate that seven years into this reality, he would be insular, closed off, and suspicious of strangers, even in spite of the lessons he's learned from the Nein and their long term exposure.
So seeing his openness and lightness now is surprising, but at the same time, given this combination of factors in his position in the narrative over time and his defining traits, it's not by any means unreasonable.
But one thing that I found so delightful is how much trust he exhibits, which is obviously a wild thing to say about Essek in particular, given much of what he learns is both earning and offering trust, which was something he says explicitly in 2x124 that he's never really experienced: "I've never really been trusted and so I did not trust." It makes up much of the progression of his relationship with Caleb, and the trust that he is offered by the Nein in walking off the ship is the impetus he needs to grow.
But I think it's easy to talk about trust when it comes to people who have proven themselves to you or to whom you've ingratiated yourself, and that's really the most we can say about Essek by the time he leaves the Blooming Grove. There is this sense in a lot of discussion of trust (not solely in this fandom) that it is only related to either naivete or love, but there's far more to it. Trust at its best is deliberate—cultivating an openness to the world at large is a great way to combat cynicism and beget connection instead. It allows a person to maintain curiosity and be open to experience, but it can be incredibly difficult to hold onto.
It is clear that the Essek we meet now is a very pointedly and intentionally trusting individual. He trusts Caleb and by extension Caleb's trust in Keyleth, as he shows up and picks up a group of strangers from a foreign military encampment and walks in without issue. He trusts the Hells to follow his lead moving through Zadash and to exhibit enough discretion so as to avoid bringing suspicion upon all of them. He trusts that Astrid will respond well to his entrance, but he also trusts himself and the Hells enough to execute a back-up plan in the case that she doesn't. In the end, he even trusts them enough to give them his name and identity.
He doesn't scan as someone who has spent half a dozen years living like a prey animal, afraid of any shadow he runs across in an alley, withdrawn into himself and an insular family, which would've been an easy route for him to take. He scans as someone who has learned the kind of trust borne of learned confidence and a trained eye for good will and kindness, which are crucial weapons one would need for staving off cynicism in his circumstances—as if he has survived thanks more to connection and kindness than paranoia and isolation. (If we want to be saccharine about it, he scans quite poignantly as a member of the Mighty Nein.)
So it is easy to imagine this trust and openness as a natural progression of his initial search for perspectives external to his own cultural knowledge. Though he makes those first connections with the Assembly to try to vindicate his personal hypotheses, he finds in them exposure to the deepest corruption among Exandrian mortals, which could've—and did, for a time—turned him further down that same dark path.
But it's also this same openness to exposure from the wider world that allows the Nein to influence him for the better, and in spite of the challenges he's certainly faced simply surviving over the past seven years, he seems to have held onto this openness enough to move through the world with self-assurance and a willingness to extend the kinds of trust and good will that he has been shown.
(I would be remiss not to mention that I was reminded about my thoughts on this by this lovely post from sky-scribbles and their use in the tags of 'light' to describe Essek's demeanor this episode, which is really such an apt word for it.)
#something something hope is a weapon hope is a discipline hope is a garden to cultivate!!!#HE'S SO GOOD HE IS TRULY EXEMPLAR OF THE WHOLE PHILOSOPHY OF THE NEIN AND I DO NOT THINK THAT'S AN ACCIDENT#truly just like. enormous proponent of letting trust and curiosity into your heart regardless of the horrors.#it's hard and it makes you more vulnerable and sometimes it hurts so so much but it will also save your fucking life!#cr spoilers#critical role#essek thelyss#cr meta#I was gonna apologize for the length but I'm not sorry. I'm also not sorry for being insane about him but he's so special to me.#head in my hands he's so GOOD HE'S BEST BOI! GUIDING LIGHT NORTH STAR!!! LOOK AT HIM!!!#also truly if i had two nickels for a span of time with no essek sightings where I wrote a lot of fic#with deliberate personal acknowledgment that I was writing some pretty maximal arcs for him in terms of character growth#and then end up getting essek for half an episode and having to go OH WE'RE GOING THAT FAR ACTUALLY. FUCKING INCREDIBLE.#yanno. two nickels. but good lord I am thriving that it's happened twice#augh this is ONE of the pieces I need to write this week. we're not gonna talk about it
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the fact that they've been blindly deceived
by those who preach, and pray and teach...
A Garashir thing I've been messing around with on and off for a while, featuring lyrics from the song 'Lion's Roar' by First Aid Kit! That song gives me such big post-war Cardassia Garashir feelings, they could trade off singing parts of it to each other and it would fit perfectly.
#garashir#star trek#star trek ds9#ds9#julian bashir#elim garak#I could have kept futzing with this for a long time yet but like... I'm letting it go I think the feeling is basically there#and that's mostly what I'm interested in haha. I'm so tired detail work just makes me cry I have to focus on capturing Feels#my art#alexander siddig is one of the most beautiful people who've ever lived and I swear to god it's SO HARD#to capture his likeness properly like... there's something so *specific* about his face that makes it so stunning#and it's so elusive to me when I try to put it into words or pin it to the page but it's self-evident when you look at him. maddening#me @ me: skill issue (mine that is)
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something something blood-soaked hands cradling your face something something
anyway here's the post btw
#what if post dp3 logan struggles to emotionally accept that wade Will Actually For Real Survive Anything#and one time they are fighting some random baddies#and they somehow get in a few shots straight to wade's cranium and he drops like a bag of slutty slutty potatoes#and logan goes full berserker trying to get to him#like he just massacres everyone in his way and wade still isnt getting up ohnoohnoohnonotagainohno#(healing factor or no a few direct shots to the brain stem/t box take a bit to recover from)#(no more than five minutes but it's an eternity to logan)#and his heart sinks to the very core of the earth as he kneels down next to wade's body#and his hands are shaking and soaked in blood and he can't seem to sheathe his claws in his dazed adrenalined state#he tries to peel back wade's mask and fear is just *pounding* through his system because in that moment#all he can see are the xmen dead in massive pools of blood#and that feeling of unreality is rushing over him like thiscantbehappeningthiscantbehappeningnotagainohgodnotagain#wade's still and unresponsive and there is so Much BLOOD (hard to tell how much is Wade's and how much is just on his hands)#and logan doesn't even realize he's crying until suddenly wade's eyes light up like a computer restarting#and he's smiling and gasping and joking immediately#“well howdy there hot stuff what did I miss?”#and then he clocks that logan is Not Okay#“... well gee willikers golly goddamn peanut 'twas only a flesh wound! no need to go all waterworks over lil ol me”#“you know it would take a helluva lot more than that to make me shuffle off this here mortal coil!”#“see all better I'm hunky dory peachy keen right as fucking rain”#“I mean cmon I can't have been out for more than five minutes so let's just go back to you being exasperated with my bullshit antics okay??#“...okay sugarboobs? snookums? babycakes?.... Logan?”#and they just sit there on the floor holding each other for a while#wade babbling and logan crying about everything he's lost and wondering distantly how he has come to care so much#about this blithering jokester in like barely a week#that the thought of losing him brought him crashing back to the worst memory of his extremely rough life#anyway that's enough tag mini fic lolol I'm having feelings about my own drawing I guess 😵#poolverine#deadpool and wolverine#poolverine art
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the curse of immortality (spoiler: Kiran is also on this picture 👍)
#Feh#feheroes#fire emblem heroes#Grima#Filling my angst art quota with this for a lifetime since I don't really normally draw angst#But this is something I've had on my mind for a really really long time as a scenario/thought#Grima is technically immortal while Kiran isn't and I'm sure this is something he has to think about at some point#Like sure he can bring people back from the dead but does that keep them young forever? Probably not. And if he brings them back as risen#Is it still the same person?#There's alot of thoughts I have about this so I had to channel them into this#Also honestly I just kinda really wanted to draw Grima be genuinely sad for once#There's really not alot of scenarios I can see him in where he would be openly sad but this? Yeah this would break him#I have this headcanon that if Kiran would ever pass away in the Fallen timeline or any really#he'd just keep carrying her skull with him because he has a hard time letting go#So yeah surprise Kiran cameo 💀#Back to my regular scheduled silly posting now
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I think the thing that, like, has me fully frothing at the mouth about the way the last of us transformed bill's story is how it flipped on its head what bill does in the narrative. in the game (at least in my interpretation), he is the epitome of the living vs. surviving dichotomy, an example on how you can do everything you can to survive as long as you can and be absofuckinglutely miserable and alone if you continue to shove down parts of yourself and keep everyone at arm's length. he's what joel could become if he's not careful.
and in the show, he's the opposite - he's the example of how you can change your ways in the worst circumstances, how letting someone in is actually the most powerful thing you can do, how surviving isn't enough, isn't worthwhile, if you don't have love, if you don't have something to live for. and where in the game he was a portent of joel's future if he continued down the path he was on, in the show he's a contrast of what joel already is. joel, who couldn't tell tess he loved her, joel who can be detached enough to dispose of the corpse of a child, joel who doesn't allow himself to mourn the death of his friends for more than a few seconds. bill of the game was that way, except he still helped joel and ellie out. joel of the tv show is where bill was, but he still gives ellie his jacket when its cold, his food when she's hungry.
and in doing all of that, and with knowing what's coming, the last of us has said "love will save you. it doesn't matter if its romantic love or familial love, no matter the people involved, love is the most natural thing we do, and if you try to push it away, it will be that that kills you."
#the last of us#tlou#the last of us spoilers#tlou spoilers#idk if this makes ANY sense#I'm having a hard time articulating my thoughts exactly#but just like#joel has SO much further to go to love ellie in the show than he does in the game#which is WILD bc he has so far to go in the game#and I looveeeeeeee that#I love that he is going to have to work so hard because THAT'S THE POINT#letting yourself love isn't easy but it IS worthwhile#lauren feels things
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ISAT & Dungeon Meshi swap!
#in stars and time#ISAT#Siffrin#Loop#Dungeon Meshi#Thistle#Mithrun#This is incredibly self indulgent art but I've been doing commissions for other people - I can have this treat.#Two series that have me in a death grip right now and boy did the realization of the parallels between these characters hit hard.#Siffrin and Thistle are the “Forgot what it was all for” duo. The “I'm scared to let it go (it must be let go)” duo.#Loop and Mithrun are [REDACTED] [GO CHECK OUT THESE SERIES SPOILER FREE]#God I have so much to say about the Loop and Mithrun parallels. I won't here because I refuse to spoil people on ISAT.#What I *will* say is that both these characters had a similar curve in my interest in them.#Which is “I was ambivalent until the near end - where they then shot up to become some of my favourite characters ever.”#We love characters with an incredible arc that reframes them so intensely that you the reader will never be the same after.#Anyways! (rotates both these crossovers in my head at a rapid orbit and gazes at them fondly).#This is my sandbox and I get to eat the sand!!!#I've got some MDZS/ISAT swap content coming soon as well. My sand eating knows no limits apparently.
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If we do actually get a fitpac confession soon and Fit is the one to initiate it I will be so happy because it will represent one of my favourite aspects of their relationship; that Pac lets Fit call the shots.
Sure they've both been acting in denial for months, but it has always seemed as if Pac knew the situation they were in full well. That he wasn't actually hesitant about it, but was just matching Fit's energy about it so as to not push Fit too far too fast.
When Fit started calling them roommates, so did Pac, because if that was the label Fit was comfortable with then he'd use it. When Fit stopped denying every romantic implication extremely fervently, so too did Pac. It has always seemed like Pac only ever did the whole "oh no no we're just good friends and roommates :)" thing because that was the way Fit dealt with it and he didn't want to imply anything to the other islanders that would make Fit uncomfortable.
Pac has known that it would be a long time until Fit was ready. Pac understood that Fit had reservations. Pac knew he'd have to wait, and waited patiently for Fit everyday. He was more than happy to.
And if Fit confesses, that will finally be Pac's go ahead. Because no one needs to be told that the two of them like each other, least of all themselves. They already know. Pac has just been waiting for the green light. But when Fit says something like "I like you" it'll mean "it's finally time". "I want us to be in each other's lives" will mean "thank you for being so patient with me". "You matter a lot to me" will mean "sorry for taking a while". "I love you" will mean "you've waited long enough."
#fitpac#qsmp#idk I'm just so soft about the fact that pac took no time at all to realise that fit was going to have a hard time with this kind of#scenario and so let him set his own pace. and just followed whatever fit felt was right and comfortable
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you say machete has to be closeted then why's he always wearing them little heels
Maybe he thinks he's a tiny bit nicer looking in them.
#no in fact he's just a little ahead of the curve let me try to explain#again I'm not a historian I'm just sharing what I've read I might be misremembering stuff so don't quote me on this#high heels became extremely fashionable in the early 1600's probably just a few decades after Machete's time#and they were originally worn by men#because they were inspired by Persian riding boots#if your shoes had heels you'd have easier time keeping your feet in the stirrups (think of cowboy boots)#Europeans saw them thought they looked snazzy and they became wildly popular in noble circles fairly quickly#for some hundred years or so high heels were the epitome of class wealth power and status and they were essentially genderless#remember that concepts of masculinity and femininity are fluid and change over time#things that were seen as manly a few centuries ago may seem downright effeminate to a modern viewer#it's all matter of perspective neither is objectively more correct than the other#they started to separate into men's heels and women's heels around mid 1700's iirc but the changes weren't massive even then#and only truly went out of vogue when the French Revolution hit in 1789#and people all across the continent were suddenly put off by everything that reminded them#of the frivolousness and extravagance of royalty and aristicracy#so in his canon timeline I don't think people are looking at him and going “hmmm that's pretty gay”#because heels hadn't become gendered yet#maybe he likes how they accentuate his already tiny paws and make his legs look even longer than they are#he's interested in fashion or at least likes to dress nicely in high quality garments#he tries very hard to look his best despite never really feeling comfortable in his skin#he was a real shrimp as a kid and even though he eventually grew up to be a beanpole he might still find the extra height appealing#no one's going to look down on him ever again#I admit the way I draw them is a lot more modern than the true historical style at the time but not outrageously so#artistic freedom and all that in the end I'm not aiming for 100% accuracy#modern au Machete has no excuses though he's just a little bit fruity#if the guy feels empowered by wearing little clip cloppers let him#answered#anonymous#Machete
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how do u imagine natasha + sampo’s relationship?
I. Feel a little bad for leaving this in my inbox as long as I did, especially since I said in this post I could write a whole essay on them. But then when I tried to actually answer this, I realized ah shit, I can't really articulate what I think of them at all OTL
(so have a bajillion words of meta analysis of them instead fklajklasjf)
Just! Sampo is very mysterious figure, and we know so little of his background and his motivations! So it's really difficult to get a solid read on some of his relationships with other characters. Regardless, I do think that Natasha is perhaps the one he's closest with, and that she is the one person who knows him the most intimately in all of Belobog.
And a lot of it IS hard to pin down because of Sampo's slippery nature, but also because it's like. If you look at just Natasha's dialogues about Sampo, it doesn't really look like much. It only becomes more meaningful when compared to how everyone else talks about him.
Most other characters just comment on what Sampo does, as in his observable actions that are easy to see on the surface or from a distance.
Natasha is one of the very, very few that actually speaks to Sampo's personality or philosophy. Like she not only is able to describe a certain behavior of his, but she's able to explain the why behind it.
At least part of this is probably that they spend so much time together- Hook even comments on it during her companion quest.
And tbh I don't really think it needs more proof or anything with such a flat out statement like that, but this is actually further supported by the fact that Seele is the only other character in Belobog to sorta-kinda comment on Sampo's personality; if Sampo were hanging around the clinic with Natasha all day, Seele would probably be the person he would see second-most there. Of the dialogues posted further up in this post, Hook obviously sees him all the time, but it's not always in the clinic, and besides she's still very young...she wouldn't have the same read on him an adult would. Luka avoids the clinic whenever he can because he's worried about taking up Natasha's valuable time. And the Landau siblings aren't even present in Boulder Town until after the Stellaron is quieted.
Seele, on the other hand, is extremely loyal and devoted to Natasha, and seems to worry about her a lot. She doesn't have the same reservations as Luka, and it would feel right to see her in the clinic frequently, taking orders and missions and trying to make sure Natasha doesn't run herself in the ground. So it would make sense for her to see a lot of Sampo if he's always in there, too, enough that she would have things to say about his personality, whether she likes that or not haha.
Of course we know from Sampo's lines that it's not that he's sick, he's just reporting back to Natasha. Sampo not only smuggles in supplies across the border like what most people know him for, he's also Natasha's source of intel.
Bringing back intel doesn't necessarily have to involve a lot of conversation though, especially because it would make more sense for Sampo to be turning in written reports. It decreases the chance of Natasha mishearing/misunderstanding something or having to rely on memory alone, neither of which are really things you probably want to be doing when bad intel can mean the difference between life and death in her circumstances. So I do really wonder what it is Sampo does in the clinic all day haha. Given that he's a big believer in the power of small talk bringing in big clients, it's entirely possible Sampo is just in there being chatty, happily making conversation and keeping Natasha company most of the time...which is kinda cute. He also really could just be talking shop, too, of course- Sampo does a lot of work for Natasha, and I don't think it'd be a stretch to assume she's his main client. There's probably a lot to discuss about supply quotas, incoming intel, scheduled drops, etc.
My favorite option, though, is actually based on one of Sampo's options from the main quest, where he says:
Because like! The way he says this, the way he specifies that this is his opinion, but no one seems to care what he thinks? And how he calls them stubborn in particular? It really sounds like Sampo has been trying to get Wildfire to operate in a different direction. And if you look up the exact definition of "artless," you get this
which very much fits Sampo, and how he does things. He has guile and deception down to an art form. Sampo goes on to call Wildfire "do-gooders," but then cautions the trailblazer not to underestimate them because of that- indicating that Sampo sees that type of philosophy as something naive, or at least just ineffective. Something that you would underestimate a person for.
And the person Sampo associates with the most in Wildfire, the one he's always seen with, the one who would hold the most sway to change the modus operandi of the organization is...Natasha.
So I wonder if Sampo has been trying, possibly for years now, to get Natasha to see what he thinks of as reason, and start playing dirty to survive. I wonder if that's what he spends so much time in the clinic for, is because he does care, and he wants her and the rest of them to live, and he has been trying to convince her to go with his way of doing things, but Natasha has been refusing him, refusing to compromise her morals.
Because we know from some readables and from the general Vibe, both up on the surface and down below, that things were getting pretty dire. Rivet Town has fallen. The Silvermane Guards are being whittled down and broken. The Fragmentum was right on everyone's doorstep, and I'm sure that if the Astral Express hadn't arrived- and that if Sampo hadn't set the stage so perfectly, if he hadn't played his part just so- then all of Belobog would have eventually been snuffed out. Sampo had to have known it was happening. He must have known the end was upon them.
He doesn't even have a stake in Belobog- he's not from here. He could, assumingly, call it quits and leave when shit got tough by whatever means got him there in the first place.
And I'm sure Sampo wants to save all of Belobog, but I think he's particularly endeared by Natasha. He famously phrases his view of Elation as "true happiness always entails the manifestation of the dignity of mankind." And like. Who else embodies that so much as her?
Maybe it is a little vague and up to interpretation, but I feel like Natasha is FULL of that kind of dignity. She has been doing this since before the blockade. She willingly chose to stay in the Underground where she could do the most good. She has seen so, so much death and you can see how it weighs on her; she's become bitter, and wary, and weary. She has it out for the Guards (understandable), and she openly taunts Gepard and goes right for his throat when he shows up in Boulder Town, ten years too late, trying to help with the Fragmentum.
Natasha even seems to have given up any belief she may have once had. She's completely lost faith in Qlipoth.
All of this, and yet she still chooses to be kind. She still chooses to help people. There is something immensely admirable in all of that.
And I feel like you can see how much Sampo admires her in just how often he thinks of her, especially when someone needs help. Sampo smokebombs everyone and needs to get them somewhere safe in the Underground? He takes them to Natasha. Svarog is about to fucking kill everyone? Go get Natasha. He finds the trailblazer passed out in an alleyway? He carries them to Natasha. The trailblazer is seeing weird shit out in the Fragmentum? Recommend they go get a check up. Specifically from Natasha.
It's a little silly, but I think you can also see some of this when Sampo is being melodramatic about being caught red-handed in the museum event. He echoes a very important sentiment to Natasha and Wildfire;
And the mission where this ideology was displayed strongest was titled, "To Rot or To Burn."
(Hell, in the dream sequence of Penacony- regardless of whether that dream bubble came from Sampo or Sparkle, it had to be informed by Sampo's tales of Belobog. Sparkle has never been there herself. And the kind trashcan that immediately helps you and sets you on the right path, that tries to rally everyone together, the only one with a name so clearly and obviously taken from someone Sampo knew in Belobog? Is Shatana- an anagram of Natasha. Even from a meta perspective, they have the same VA. No other trashcan there gets that treatment. None.)
I think they have the same goals, and even hold some of the same views. Natasha's are much more obvious, but still. Sampo says this about Belobog's circumstances:
And he says this as though it should be obvious common sense. That when things are rough, you share and make sure everyone has enough. I think they both share this belief, it's just that they disagree on how to go about making things even. Natasha believes in rallying people for the cause and giving as much of herself as she can to make up for whatever people lack. Sampo believes that if some dipshit with more money than what they need falls for his bullshit and he gets to spread it around? Well hey, that sounds like a whole lot of their own fault.
Natasha is definitely aware of this, and she has no problem threatening Sampo whenever she thinks he's stepping out of line.
She keeps him on a very short leash, which like. Yeah no that's valid fjkdlsajfdklj
Even so, the way she talks about him, like... Maybe it's just me, and my rose-colored glasses, but she doesn't seem to dislike him nearly as much as she could? She kind of just. Says these things as statements about him, without any real vitriol behind them. This is just kind of how he is. She even seems to have a sense of humor about it.
And again! She has so much more to say about him than almost any other character.
I'd like to think part of her...affection? of sorts? for him is simple camaraderie. Circumstances are dire. Past, present, and future are all bleak. Things like that deepen bonds with your foxhole buddies. Sampo is dependent on Natasha for work and pay and a place to get away from the Guards. Natasha is dependent on Sampo for food and medicine and life-saving supplies. They both heavily rely on each other in this harsh environment, and they have a really nice back-and-forth that I appreciate with how they help each other out by owing favors as payment.
And the other part, I'd like to think actually IS because she knows him very well- maybe not things like his past, but she knows some of his personality and beliefs, and finds them agreeable enough. She even has the audacity to call him a poor liar at one point- Sampo! Of all people! Known by someone well enough to be caught out as a poor liar! He's either intentionally leading her on and letting her think she's caught him, or Natasha just really is that good. Neither would surprise me tbh
I think Natasha is also just uniquely prepared to understand Sampo, and is able to see his better sides without letting her judgement be clouded by his slimy manner. She's able to appreciate that his actions ARE extremely helpful, regardless of how he does them.
Even as she acknowledges that he isn't always trustworthy, she does still choose to rely on him and give him chances. She was pleasantly surprised by him here, but she still chose to trust him with this in the first place. She never treats him harshly, and she never seems to bear any kind of grudge with him.
But my favorite example of Natasha being able to understand Sampo? My favorite is this. This one little throwaway line, that didn't even involve him, wasn't even about him. I feel like Natasha is capable of knowing and understanding Sampo on a deeper level than most people can, solely because of this.
She gets it.
(As a fun bonus: In the current trashcan event, there's a simple mechanic where you get one trial character for the initial battle. Then, for the harder stage, you get that same trial character, plus a couple of extras. This is true for every Proof- except for Sampo's. In his harder stage, you use Asta, Black Swan, and Luocha. But in his initial stage, in an event all about friendship and relationships...)
#honkai star rail#hsr#sampotasha#sampo koski#natasha harrower#hsr sampo#hsr natasha#I don't particularly see them as lovers...but given it's all about their relationship in canon I think it's ok to tag as ship yeah?#if any shippers would like to use this as fuel it would make me so so happy haha#I think their relationship is very difficult to pin down but like. there certainly is. something there.#Maybe...saying I see them as an artist and his muse is most correct?#I'm very sleepy rn and it's past my bedtime. I stayed up late to write this but I don't wanna pick it apart later so let's go!#Off with you! Post now!#I don't think I could articulate in any more if I tried anyway. they make my brain whir but it's like. a wordless whir.#I have a hard time putting words to them fjdkslajfkl#so yeah we'll go with that. an artist and his muse#I hope its. at least somewhat understandable orz#Sorry to the anon that asked this like months ago. I hope you see it somehow.#answer#anon
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I feel like if Dipper were ever reincarnated as a demon, he wouldn't fit in super well with the others. Yes, he's been raised to vie for power and step on everyone in his way using whatever means is necessary - it's the same toxic bizz as when he was a human, appealing to gender norms. He's tougher, scarier, more powerful (than ordinary humans, that is), but when it comes to asserting control - being Evil - he doesn't have it in him. Given enough time, I think he'd grow pretty vocal about leaving living things alone. NOT torturing organisms for the hell of it, or stealing people's souls, or conquering planets. Sure, he's a demon. That's no excuse to be a MONSTER.
It's a VERY unpopular opinion amongst neighboring demons, and rumor spreads fast about the Goody Two-Shoed Activist imp raining on everyone's blood-splattered parade, so much so that it makes it to Bill, who's immediately intrigued. Call it intuition, but only one soul's capable of overriding goddamn demon nature for some preachy bullshit about "Doing Good." Lucky for him, demons occupy the same plane of existence, so all it really takes to verify the guy is a snap of his fingers, and POOF! He's floating right next to him. Sure enough, Dipper's fashioned himself a new and improved demonic form, and it is lovely!
No one likes Dipper's kumbaya "Can't We All Just Get Along" ideology, but Bill's almost instantly smitten with the guy, whoever he is, so he's gotta be at least somewhat powerful. Demons take notice when the all-powerful Bill Cipher starts lending his time (and magic?) to some low-leveler like Dipper. Is he being blackmailed? Are they working together? No. Not possible. Bill doesn't "work" with anyone, save for whatever human catches his eye every few decades. Doesn't look to be doing him any benefit, either. The opposite, even. Lending power to a saint like Dipper only makes it harder to cause chaos, after all. Why would he actively go against his OWN best interest to cater some imp's? It's almost like he's. He's.
A henchmen.
(Bill's also 30% more affectionate the first month they reunite, because he still can't believe that his adorable little human husband came back as the same SPECIES as him! He'd never complain over having a sweet human to squeeze, but one with teeth and claws and cute pointy ears doesn't hurt).
#answers#I can't help but picture demon dipper starting out all like#I'm Bad 😡 I'm Mean 😡 I'm Evil As Heck!! 😡#And still having a HUGE hatred for things that are Unfair or Unjust. One time he saved a kitten from a tree and got embarrassed about it#Eventually he just has to give into his nature and speak up about all the BULLSHIT he sees going on around him#Sorry Dippin' Dots even the society that 'raised' you can't prevent you from your do-gooder ways#Don't worry Bill loves you for the stupid idiot you are#Everyone is completely BAFFLED by Bill acting like a friggin' henchman though#I bet they don't even peg it as romantic interest at first. Dipper sure doesn't#He's thinking this is some Grand Scheme to convince him back into the evil fold#And to be fair Bill's very tempting in that respect. But not leaning as hard into it as he *could* be#Maybe he thinks Bill's trying to 'mentor' him for something. Seems like the kind of thing Bill would imply and let Dipper fill in the gaps#They're technically not the same SPECIES since Dipper's probably some human-shaped 'demon'#And Bill's originally from a two-dimensional weird universe. Technically speaking he's His Own Thing#Aside from whatever refugees escaped that plane. If any.#Demon covers a LOT of different beings that don't have much or any genetics in common#But you KNOW Bill's thrilled as hell that Dipper's Slightly More Immortal than usual!! This one's gonna last a WHILE#*slams fist on table* Give Dipper A Tail With A Tuft That Bill Can Pull To Be Annoying#Final thought: In this incarnation Bill might have been wondering where the hell Dipper got to since there's no human around#Given a long enough time he might even wonder if he was LOST#So you know that when Dipper reemerges on the scene everyone else was dealing with a VERY unhappy Bill Cipher for QUITE a while
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