#I'm gonna go do something productive now
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Bear with me I'm about to go insane for a few paragraphs.
Actually scratch that I meant a lot of paragraphs, because this became so much longer than I intended.
A thing that Honkai Star Rail is utterly obsessed with doing is masking the involvement of Aeons in certain events or encounters with their own personal symbolic language. If you read a piece of text and it mentions amber or constructing walls, for example, you can be pretty confident that it's referencing Qilpoth. Similarly, mentions of flapping wings, multicolored material, or things smelling of fruit is likely in reference to Tayzzyronth.
The Swarm Disaster in particular is rife with this shit. You can drive yourself insane reading through Trailblaze Secrets trying to parse through whether this line is meant to refer to something, or if you've been staring for way too long and need to slow down. In particular you can drive yourself insane looking for references to Terminus the Finality.
Terminus in kind of annoying because they don't have an entry in the Data Bank, but they are referenced well enough that we know a decent cursory amount about them. The main facts being that they somehow exist and move backwards in time, they are currently asleep and murmur prophecies, and they have two factions: the Omen Vanguard and the Creed Exequy.
The symbols we can generally look out for when it comes to Finality are concepts of time moving backward, prophecies, and, of course, references to "finality."
And to add more context to what I'm about to say, I have to mention that the Finality is all over the Swarm Disaster (so is HooH the Equilibrium but I don't care about them right now). In one of the Trailblaze Secrets we learn than an Omen Vanguard managed to hear and decode part of the prophecy murmured by Terminus and tried to spread that prophecy to members of the genius Society, but all who learned of it were killed by Polka Kakamond along with the Omen Vanguard. And like, the same part has Finality prophesying Tayzzyronth's death, which maybe implies that this prophecy is what caused the whole Swarm Disaster in the first place. But I'm also not a great theorycrafter so take that with a massive grain of salt.
The point for this post being, Terminus is connected to Tazzyronth in terms of their possible role in the Swarm Disaster.
Why bring all of this up? Because I watched "the "Fables About the Stars" again.
This trailer is unique among the many Hoyo have put out because it's one of the best jumping off points we have to sorting out the different symbols and motifs used by the Aeons featured in it. One of whom is mentioned three separate times without being explicitly shown. And I bet you can guess who.
The final minute of the trailer, after the Harmony, we get a rush of lines and images about the unplayable Aeons that are likely important to HSR's story. The images and titles that flash by are, in order, Aha the Elation, Ouroboros the Voracity, Idrila the Beauty, Tayzzronth the Propagation, Mythus the Enigmata, HooH the Equilibrium, Fuli the Remembrance, and finally, Akivili the Trailblaze.
"But that's weird," you think. "Where are those mentions of the Finality you talked about?" And that, my fellow mentally ill friends, is where this gets fun for me. Because when you turn on closed captions for that video, almost each reference to an Aeon that Black Swan says is accompanied by another phrase in parenthesis. No other Aeon earlier in the video gets this, it's just the Aeons in that last minute.
Now, some of these are in reference to the Aeon that the line in Black Swan's poem is referring to. But others, in my opinion, are referring to one Aeon in particular.
Aha -
Ouroboros -
Tazzyronth -
Mythus -
The first reference to Finality I think appears is right after "the mariner's intemperance" with this line:
"End of All Things" seems pretty Finality-coded to me. Why they are referred to as "the infant" I can't tell you. maybe something to do with how they exist backwards in time. Much like the prophecy given on Tayzzronth, perhaps Finality's existence predates their birth. Another strange aspect of this line is it's transition into Idrila, who doesn't seem to get a reference at all. The glass shattering into their title might imply that they are "the mirror," something suported by the fact that one of The Beauty's factions is called the Mirror Holders, but I don't really know enough to be confident about that. Considering Idrila is one of the missing Aeons, we can maybe take this line as a hint that Finality also had a role in Idrila's disappearance.
The next reference I've already shown. Just after Idrila we have the line introducing the Propagation, and the phrase (as they enter the dream (Consciousness)." If my ramblings about the Swarm Disaster previously were coherent enough, you might have already connected the dots on this one. If Terminus was indeed responsible for Tayzzronth's ascent to Aeonhood, then this line can be ready fairly literally. To put it in less flowery words: "Listen to the Propagation as it spawns into existence."
The third reference is thus:
Now, "the shapeless prince" is a reference to HooH, of that I'm....mostly certain. And what makes me the most certain is the next phrase "Against the Current." The concept of "currents" being another fun little symbolic reference to Terminus.
Reading more into the Swarm Disaster, you can also begin to see that HooH, alongside Ena the Order, is greatly involved in the Propagation's demise. Tayzzronth's appearance disrupted the equilibrium of the universe, and obviously that's HooH's whole shtick. So Terminus (who flows backwards in time) murmurs a prophecy that spawns Tayzzronth into existence, and HooH (Against the Current) participates in Tayzzronth's destruction. You see what I mean?
And that's. Really it. As a closing note, you know what else is fun? Outside of Idrila (maybe, neither I nor the other lore enthusiasts I follow have quite parsed that out), each Aeon mentioned in that last minute of the Fables About the Stars trailer has a role in the Swarm Disaster. Aha, of course, was one of the key players who was brought on by Ena and further recruited Akivili for help. Ouroboros was created because of the Swarm Disaster. Followers of the Enigmata are mentioned creating false histories of the disaster (this one is my personal theory). HooH as previously explained. And Fuli because of this one particular Trailblaze Secret which might have been about Akivili falling into IX and Fuli grabbing their memories before they were consumed, but honestly this post is long enough and I'll explain that one later if people are interested.
But uh, yeah. The Swarm Disaster has made me go a little nuts and so has the Finality.
#honkai star rail#rambling#this took *checks clock* 45 minutes for me to write#because I just kept watching through the trailer and reading wiki entries#I'm gonna go do something productive now#like touch grass or tell my family I love them
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My phone broke. Don't know what the hell happened to it, but it's saying that I have no SIM card n it when I very much do have a SIM card in my phone. It was working perfectly fine, and then I put it in my pocket to go upstairs and get my mom's laundry for her. When I got back downstairs, I sat back down, turned it on and it said NO SIM - EMERGENCY CALLS ONLY at the top. I've tried restarting it twice; removing, cleaning, and replacing the SIM card twice; turning on and off airplane mode twice; reset the network setting twice; basically everything but a factory reset, which is only a last resort under threat of death. (you think I exaggerate, but I have so many notes for my writing on that damn card, I will jump off the Golden Gate Bridge before I reset that phone without pulling the data from it) The last thing to try is turn it off for a bit and see if that helps. If not, then I'm stopping by AT&T tomorrow to get a new SIM card before work tomorrow
#i'm upset#i'm really pissed off#like royally pissed about this#could this have happened at a worse time? yes#it's horribly inconvenient and more frustrating than anything but i've literally done everything i can think of atm to fix this#idek what the fuck happened! it was fine one moment and broken the next#i have thrown it on the floor in frustration. mom picked it up so it's now on the arm of the couch#now i'm complaining to you all via my laptop#what's funny is that i was telling my mom about the ao3 writer's curse about 45 minutes ago#i'm gonna go do something else now#that something else probably won't be productive seeing as most of my story notes are on my damn phone
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i just rememberd adhd meds exist and now im upset because i could have that if it wasn't for that freakin neurologyst we went to see that told us it was impossible that i could have adhd because i have good grades in school. literally the ONLY question he asked me and immediately said it was impossible. we spent like 5 minutes there. he could've at least... explained something???? anything?????? and now i'd feel bad about asking my parents to see another neurologist because that costs a lot of money :((
#now im just unable to concentrate on anything and feeling very worthless#ok gonna start rambling here a bit#vent? ->#i'm just not good at anything except drawing. everything is hard and i don't think i'm capable of getting a job and contributing to society#in any way except drawing. my self worth is being held almost entirely by my ability to draw.#but i'm also incredibly slow and unproductive and it's so hard sitting down and starting a drawing and finishing that drawing#drawing is the thing that makes me feel alive and feel good about myself so when i can't draw i just feel really awful#i just wish i could concentrate and work and be productive man. why do i have so much stuff going on in my brain. why is everything so hard#sadge 😔😔#ok gonna try to draw i hope something cool comes out or i'm throwing my computer out the window and playing videogames#oh also another neurologist once told me depression can't be caused by school#i'm pretty sure it can but idk im not a doctor#what is up with these neurologists man#i know it's gonna get better tho. life might suck but i *am* a teenager and it's only gonna go up from here.#im still learning about myself and stuff. also no school next year that's gonna be awesome#don't wanna end on a sad note bc life is good actually#and i'm fucking amazing at drawing
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i've had such bad insomnia these last few weeks and honestly by this point i'm just embracing it lol. if im gonna be up til 3-4 AM i may as well get some work done or have some fun yk
#maddie meows#literally anything but tossing and turning while desperately willing myself to sleep!!!#it's also so close to the weekend now that it's like yayy no consequences#what's gonna happen to me?? i'll be tired??? i'm literally ALWAYS tired i have a chronic fatigue disorder!!!!!!!#if i wanna do something that turns me into slightly more of a shriveled husk than usual that is my prerogative#also i straight up do not want to go to the doctor for sleep meds lol#asking for new medication is such an undignified experience... i hate it dearly.#either melatonin will start working for me again or i'll just stop sleeping forever creepypasta style. i'd be so productive that way
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i'm gonna be honest i'm doing pretty bad rn. i'll live but somethings gonna snap sooner or later
#germ and disease paranoia mixed with emetophobia mixed with the state of the world#mixed with feeling bad abt feeling bad bc EVERYONE is living thru most of this stuff and is doing fine. they've got jobs and lives and stuff#meanwhile i'm holding on by a thread here.#snapping could be as small as shaving my head or as big as running thru the streets naked screaming i'm not entirely sure#another level of fear for me. what do i do at my breaking point. i've never been there before#but i'm walking on a tightrope rn#it just feels like i get like 5 days out of every month we're everything is okay. and the rest of it is just bad and fear#and i'm expected to use those 5 days to be productive but i have to use it to recharge#and it isn't even enough days to do that#i'm just tired in my head. the last time i wasn't was 5 years ago and that's hitting really hard#and that's an example of what i'm talking about! everyone lived thru covid and they're LIVING THEIR LIVES NOW. i should be able to too#i have no room to complain so many have it so much worse than me#i can't keep having breakdowns in bed at 2 in the morning. it's been on and off for 5 years#when are things gonna be ok again. get good without something else getting worse.#is it ever gonna be that way again? can it please be that way again?#i miss being 10 i miss my old house i miss my hometown i miss when things were simple#i had all these things to do i had friends and was every teachers favorite student and everything felt like it was gonna be alright#now it feels like nothings ever just gonna be ok. i think everything gonna just be wrong forever#i'm gonna go take a shower and try to clear my head i'll be back later#sassy speaks
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{-lays on the dash-}
Thinking about them™--
#{|ooc post|}#i said earlier that i was gonna try and be productive--#but~... now i'm just sitting here with thoughts about old muses lmao-- (and revisiting some short threads)#so~... writing may happen tonight-- or i may just heck off to do some other thing once i finish the trip down memory lane--#(and maybe go eat a lil something else--)
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TUMBLR DO NOT FUCKING LOG ME OUT WHILE I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF WRITING A POST
IF I'M FUCKING WRITING SOMETHING, THEN I'M CLEARLY STILL FUCKING HERE AND USING YOU
THIS IS THE SECOND TIME IT'S HAPPENED AND YOU PISS ME OFF A FUCK OF A LOT WITH IT
#my actual anger level right now... low#the amount of rage I'd want to have if there was something productive I could do with it; immeasurable#like I'm probably just gonna go to sleep in a bit; I'm not as upset as I felt like conveying here#but if tumblr as an allegorical concept was physically in front of me; I'd like to think I could muster the rage to rip it's head off#teach it to NOT FUCKING LOG ME OUT WHILE I'M MAKING A POST
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god it's so nice to be doing art again
#🔪.text#i know i keep saying this but#god.#it really really is#and i'm ENJOYING it#which i know i already rambled about that but#for a while art had become something that just felt like a chore#something i HAD to do#and a lot of times i would get frustrated#i'd spend forever on this one section and never feel satisfied#even when the art was good i would end up not liking it#not because i thought the art itself was bad#but because it didn't turn out the way i wanted it to or because it was so frustrating to do that i just couldn't enjoy the final product#i'm not feeling any of that now#i'm just feeling happiness and excitement#art is actually bringing me pleasure again. it's fun for me again#and tbh i'm feeling a little emotional about it#i am back to how my relationship with art used to be as a kid#it was Fun#i think i'm going to try to go to how i was back then and just draw whatever#not wait for some idea#just. hey i wanna draw this character. so i'm gonna draw them doing whatever#it doesn't matter. i'm just drawing them because i want to. there doesn't have to be any other purpose#i miss how often i used to draw and how i used to just draw random things#i want to go back to that.#because that is where i found joy in art#obviously i won't be drawing THAT much because of my wrists#but the point still stands that i want to draw more in general#i don't need to draw big pieces every time#i can just doodle them if i want to
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i finally got my adhd med dosage worked out and also for like the first time since upping the dosage actually managed to take it consistently long enough for it to actually kick in over the last few weeks and god damn. that shit is magic.
#im on the non-stimulant version bc the stimulant ones were too up-and-down for me#so they kinda act like how ssri meds do in terms of slow buildup#but now that I'm there its!!! insane!!!#I've been falling asleep just when I'm tired which I just am totally unable to do normally#I woke up before my alarm today and was like maybe I'll take a shower!! in the MORNING! as soon as I woke up!!!!#and left on time for my appointment w time to spare - then instead of going home after having accomplished the one (1) task for the day#i voluntarily just went and did MORE things. like. for FUN. and didnt have to force myself and be like 'you'll enjoy it once you're there'#then I finished doing fun things at the river with the dog and was like. yknow what? I'm gonna be productive and work on the car.#and I DID. then hung out and socialized and watched a movie after?#at this point this is 4 WHOLE THINGS in one day????? and it wasnt prescheduled and I did it all because I just felt like it#I am fucking astounded. I am going to do everything possible to make sure I don't fall off meds again bc like. this shit is lifechanging#as long as I'm not physically too tired I'm actually looking forward to doing more tomorrow too#like. god damn. not having to force myself to do things that logically I know I enjoy and just being able to DO them is insane#I'm gonna go to the weekly farmers market next week and pick up veggies. and then make something with them.#⭐✨magic✨⭐
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i need more piercings
#or earrings#it's a guilty pleasure at this point lmfao#i'm finally like. this year doin things for myself#okay that sounds different than what i mean#i mean like. realizing OH i can do that and then just do it#ie like work on health or like GET actual working hair products#this counts piercings and hair dye which is why im going bonkers with it#uhmmm i was gonna sa#oh right#working on writing! that's something i can do now! i can do that! the thing i enjoy!#it took TWO hours for me to begin TO write earlier today#and i did!#i do this thing with writing where i word vomit the like. script version of things#so i did 2k of that! for a comm#then i did 3k of that for a fic!#then my vn! i added lil details! im hopefully gonna organize the story more soon#well. blog i mean. well. both i suppose at this point
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practicality vs the opportunity to show love for my friends FIGHT
#bought a bunch of flowers at the supermarket to give to my friends in the play tonight#im gonna dress up slightly too im just so excited i want to respect and recognize the work put into this production as much as i can#i wanna invite the people i'm going with over before for food or something but i dont think they would want to idk#like i overthought it and now im afraid that im doing too much#but like i dont get this opportunity very often!! im going to see the play on opening night and i want it to feel special#txt#i too think that flowers are kinda frivolous but like they're also very special!!! and they're practical in that getting a bunch#and splitting it is a relatively cheap and extremely easy way to show appreciation#also who doesnt love holding flowers after a performance
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![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/0ed6cdabe0f7e013107e74021af20d95/b7fd3d0d6973e5a1-89/s540x810/9ed70aa1795ff3a69377325425701dd615abc08b.jpg)
everything is shit i feel like shit, hatred in my heart and soul
#sorry to vent but also i'm gonna do a vent fuck you#i've been feeling so blehhh this past week#and like. yesterday afternoon and today i felt like things were getting better#and the something like. rlly minor happened and like. it's entirely thrown me off again and i hate it!!#i don't know. *how* to make things better cos it's almost entirely like my mental state fucking up#rather than like. actual events i can focus on#i've just been so. ://////////////////#and like. yes there was probably an event that kind of. made things worse#but it shouldn't have been that big of a deal#also i'm so fucking tired all the time!! if you know me you know i don't get up past like 11 each morning#so i'm fucking getting enough sleep. why am i like this#i just. feel like shit. even going on fun little walks isnt helping anymore#i dunno. like i said things were getting a bit better. i finally managed to get myself to go to the gym which i hadn't for over a week#that helped a bit. and work acc went well today and yesterday#i'm just. ehhh i hate that something so minor can throw off again and now i hate everything and i want to scream#sorry as well that ik i'm leaving a few people hanging when it comes to replying to messages#i'll try to get round to it just like. no energy. feel like shit. you know#just. i hate that i'm feeling like this i want to be productive i want to do stuff cos ik that's gonna help#and i actually was starting to build up good habits but it's just all fallen down recently :((#i dunno. maybe i've got fucking reverse seasonal depression or something (not actually this is called a joke)#cos my winter was rlly good#or that's just. the way of life. if things are good for a while they then have to be bad again for balance#which i understand but don't like >:((#anyways. yh. shit sucks. i hate that i am being like this. screaming crying throwing up etc.#bear with me a while till i can find my feet again#marchibald's
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*litterally anything happens* auuuRGHHHGHH I NEED TO EXPLODE
#pan.txt#i think i might be too autistic to do stuff on my days off even fun things are making me feel worn out#and every interaction with anyone is pissing me off lmao#i'm trying to like. get a bit more comfortable with the feeling of being a Bit tired and wound up#bc i've been prioritising comfort over everything for years now#and if i'm gonna go and do this masters. i need to make peace with the fact i'm going to be wacked out#and i'm still gonna have to Work and Do Chores whilst i feel like that#but idk. it's not too bad!!#i'm gonna try to do something productive in the evening bc i crashed out last night
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the struggles of today proved to me that i might indeed be a little mentally unwell
#not enough to go to therapy but at least now i know what i should work on#correct me if i'm wrong but most people probably don't start to feel suicidal if there's like. a problem at work#i've been asked to support the back office and help with managing cases which is okay i guess. but i'm not a support team person so#i don't know how to do a lot of things despite using the learning resources provided by the workplace#and this one case i'm handling was rather easy on the surface. no info in sys so parcel can't move forward. ask origin to release data. eas#but then origin says that they can't because they get an error message when putting in receiver's acc number. ruh roh#if origin can't release data no one can. i've asked them to handle it with IT but had no response. in the meantime the other involved CS#started getting involved and now a production in a factory is stopped. and i know it's not my fault but i could've done better#acted faster. thought smarter. and i hate this kind of responsibility. and that i care too much#i've cried so much today i'm so tired. from the stress of this task i've been given and because of the IT issues popping in all the time no#i logged into work 45 minutes late because the VPN i've been using shit itself and i had to get a backup one#i should've gotten it installed ages ago but nooo let's do that laterrrrr you definitely won't regret that#i hate having to put up with this bitch (me) .#another thing is. it's currently summer vacation season so i'll have to brace myself for more support work to come. it's probably gonna go#just as bad if not worse. i'm so not cut out for this. i'll have to ask my boss if he can move me to a different service#so i can have an excuse like sorry i can't help i'm no longer associated with tnt~#but that's gonna have to wait until he;s back from his vacation in august . oh well#also all this stress might result in me getting something akin to an ED#my stress response other than crying and shaking is not feeling hunger. i ate something substantial at 5pm and had breakfast at 6am#between that i had two small pieces of candy and water#i'm already bad at feeding myself or at the very least eating nutritious food . this could make me worse#“oh but kav everyone makes mistakes and it's important to learn from them! keep fighting!” bitch i don't want to i didn't sign up for this#if i wanted to work for Support Team i'd have applied there. i did not wish to get involved with them and their work#sorry i needed to get this out of my system. i'll probably complain to some irls too but i might be able to do that without crying now#laments#<- i think this is going to be my vent tag
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bro i've like completely run out of steam on applying for jobs LOL
#apparently need my mom to yell at me again :| worked last time ig lmfao#it's ........ my bday week ig so i'm ... taking .... a break ..... 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀#no literally i spent the weekend doing fun stuff bc weekend#yesterday didn't do ANYTHING today didn't do ANYTHING#not gonna do anything tmrw LOL#next week im going home aka not gonna do anything / going on a trip even tho it's not rly a trip i want to go on lmao#but still not gonna be productive applying for jobs#i have one with a deadline for like the 12th or something i should at least do that 😭😭😭😭#i did so well getting ahead on some of my application deadlines#like i'm waiting to hear back from jobs and i like have to remind myself the deadline was like the 15th#and the posting said they were gonna wait to review the applications LOL#but now they're coming up again and i don't wanna do it :|#i'll do some of my current research job so i feel productive and make some money LOL#i also have to email that research professor if i can stay on the team next yr / like do more or smth#but also she has covid or smth so i feel bad bothering her 😀#but i'll probably try to do that this week too 😭😭#ugh anyway lemme actually do some work then LOL just not job applying work 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀#jeanne talks
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no feeling quite like wanting to do something but knowing your disability means you can't
#oh and it's july now#as of a couple hours ago#whoooops. . .#hey here's some honest disability life for ya xd#I was gonna say desperately wanting but idk if it's quite that much#it's just a really good opportunity#and the same day as finding out someone I saw in a local awards show was a finalist in a national one xd#can't do that because I'm not rich enough for fancy life long private lessons and the local programs dislike my school#can't do the other opportunity because my body couldn't take it#probably can't get into a good program if I go performing arts and probably can't get a job even if I do because it's a killer market and#previously mentioned disability#plus I'll feel guilty for not pursuing something medical to help others with my disability#sighh#I know some of these are dumb worries that will work out eventually but I am so tired todag#I need to get this stuff done but I also can't handle thinking about it xd yay#vent#anyway#I should sleep#but my 4 hours of naps today aren't vibing with that#and if I do something productive like shower it'll wake people up and then I just have to be ridiculed for my awful life skills again#yay#I promise I'll be okay it's just rough xd
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