#I'm forever delusional

[kyunniebuns]

What's the difference? Nothing

What does it make me? Even more delusional and insane

[batatart]

Something something about these two being close in this dimension feels so angsty and comforting to me

[incorrectfatui]

I noticed it kind of sucks when you only like about 11 of the over a hundred characters in a game

[thatstoomanysausages]

In the desert, in their final moments, they knew fighting was futile. It was going to end either way, it just depended on who was going to fight harder. The truth is that neither of them held back, they both fought and drained all the anger out of their bodies until their punches had transformed into stumbles backwards. Their bodies stopped moving, for a second considering if they could just survive alone together, maybe bury the bodies of friends and enemies, but the roaring goads of ghosts beyond the grave made them continue.

In that moment, they both knew who was going to win. It was obvious from the moment Scar had kneeled in front of Grian in the lake. The moment Scar took a hold of Grian's blade to rest it on his throat, they both knew who'd come out as victorious.

Scar's body burned, either from the sun or the countless eyes watching him, he couldn't tell. What he could tell, was that Grian was going to fight as hard as before, maybe harder, and that he himself was going to submit.

Deep inside, Grian knew this too, but he held the hope that Scar might fight as hard tightly in his palm, his fingers creating cage bars and holding him close to his heart, as close as he could before he could get consumed by the frantic beating of his soon to stop heart.

The fight continued and Grian realised his empty hope had fallen through his fingers like the sand that was going to haunt his subconscious till the day he died. Scar's own punches were weak and halfhearted. Grian's were full-force and desperate, desperate to get it all over with, nevermind the result.

Scar's eyes shone with acceptance when he felt a punch land on the side of his head, his vision spinning and his brain bleeding out so fast he felt like an egg had cracked atop his scalp. Grian's shone similarly, knowing the last hit would be the last.

"I'm sorry, Grian..." It was all wrong. Grian should've been the one to apologise first, the evidence standing right in front of his face solidified that idea.

With a broken sob and a voice that barely communicated the amount of apologies he wanted to yell out, he replied. "I'm so sorry, Scar... I'm so-"

He cut himself off with a lethal blow that sent Scar's body flying sickly to the ground. His nose gushed with blood and his eyes dulled in a way that Grian had been responsible for twice now. His stomach cramped and a gag tore through his throat, his mid-battle food regurgitating itself onto the ground, soaking into the sand to the roots. He crouched in front of the mess he'd made, in front of the body he'd killed. In front of the friend he'd lost. In front of the lover he'd murdered.

With a shake to his legs that sent him to the sand again, his hand almost landing in the vomit in front of him, he eventually managed to get up. He looked across the damage he'd done to the desert, seeing too little of the large crater he'd made, and too much of the man he'd killed.

His legs took him to the edge of the mountain, feeling too nauseous to continue staring at his mistakes, and sobbed again. His unsteady legs took a final bend to throw himself off of the cliff, the rocky sandstone below becoming a welcoming sight, one that felt like a hug from the one he missed the most.

[rakkuntoast]

something about how philever's dynamic changed as soon as q!forever started to get more involved with the theory bros and the federation means so much to me

tldr : decided to add a read more if you wanna see me rambling but it's just I love how Phil is just forever's emotional support bird where he can have slice of life moments and not experience the horrors (ignoring how the binary monster has beef with Phil)

their start with the silly bantering and q!forever trying to get q!Phil's attention and love by wooing him the most pathetic way possible, convincing other members q!Phil is in the wrong or just how people are vouching for him to get q!Phil

but then as soon as Tallulah's death happened q! Phil's perception on forever changed a lot, he already saw him as a, caring father and a good guy behind his obsession with him but seeing this man for once drop the facade and seem so broken changed the way he approaches q!forever.

while yeah they do their usual bantering q!Phil does seem to indulge forever in his antics from time to time to cheer him up, even going as far as praising him and holding him in such a high regard when he saw the flooding, or the egg hotel, or his work behind scenes.

and something about q!forever saying "now that the server has calmed down and there's no war, I can be happy again and annoy you" hit me so much. He probably doesn't notice it but q!Phil became his happy place, a safe haven he cannot reach unless he's done with the federation and the horrors. q!Phil isn't as involved on the lore, hell he misses most of it and I think it makes it better for their dynamic.

q!forever doesn't have to worry about the federation with q!Phil, he can for once put his guard down and enjoy some slice of life moment with him. I personally don't care if they don't get together platonically I think their relationship as it stands for now is more than enough

[a-gay-bloodmage]

"Against the Kitchen Floor" and Omri de Riva

At the urging of @queenofangrymoths, I have decided to post my song analysis of Will Wood's "Against the Kitchen Floor" as listened to through the lens of Omri de Riva, my dwarven Crow Rook.

His relationship with Neve, Scheherazade de Riva (QoAM's Rook), his mother, Lucanis, Viago, and himself, all come together to form a perfectly wonderful mush of self-loathing.

Hope you enjoy!

Trigger warnings for: discussions of suicidal ideation, past sexual assault as a minor, minor self-harm, child abuse, and general murder and violence.

Omri de Riva “Against the Kitchen Floor” Analysis

I don’t owe you my heart And I don’t owe you my body But you should know that I’m sorry For being careless with you

Omri tries, very hard, to see himself as a person. But it doesn’t really work. Usually, he sees himself as a thing to be given up for Contracts. The concept of I don’t owe you my heart / body is something that he tries to tell himself, but the sentiment usually rings pretty hollow. Leaving the Crows and being a part of the Veilguard is a massive culture shift for him. Being on “equal” grounds with people is strange. Neve, especially, isn’t his master. He doesn’t owe her his heart and body. Despite this, he still feels responsibility for potentially damaging her. It isn’t his place to be in a relationship with her, as he thinks it will only end in disaster. Despite that, he still went for it. He, as I said in “Fledgling,” kind of operates generally on the idea of a Crow takes what he can get.

Lord knows I owe you more Than I’m pretty sure I ever could give anybody But I can’t pin down what normal people want from foreign objects Bottom shelf erotic products like me

Neve, along with Varric and Harding, essentially freed him from slavery, and they don’t even know it. He has no idea how to make it up to them, if that’s even possible. Especially without admitting to his status within the Crows as a slave, a fact that he does find shameful. He has no idea how to express this gratitude to “normal people” like Neve. Neve being a Shadow Dragon, a liberator of slaves from Tevinter, only further complicates things. The concept of being a bottom shelf erotic product is both a dig at his own self-worth and his height. He is an object to be used for the pleasure and satisfaction of others, and he’s literally so low, physically, that most people don’t even see him amongst the dirt of the floor. 

So, I could hold your hand, but keep you at arm’s length Or hang me from a branch too high to climb and shake Less rare than scarce, less diamond than rough Unlikely to be more than just the coal you fail to crush, and

He does really want a relationship with Neve, but he can’t allow himself to really pull her tight to him in any way other than physically. And, even then, it’s only when they’re alone. He sees their relationship as mutually physical, but romantically one-sided. He fully assumes that she’ll end up with Lucanis. And why wouldn’t she? He’s more attractive than Omri is, higher-ranking, and human. 

The idea of hang me from a branch too high to climb and shake is a reference to suicide for him, since he’s absolutely passively suicidal. While he won’t go out of his way to kill himself, he won’t consciously try too hard to stop his death from happening. Just put him somewhere to rot and nobody will ever come and get him. He’s felt this way for as long as he can remember. 

The idea of being less rare than scarce is interesting, because he is rare. He’s not only a dwarf, a race with a very low population, but he’s a dwarven Crow. Those aren’t common. However, he’s also a casteless dwarf and a slave. He’s not a diamond, he’s just the dirt around it, and no amount of molding or pressure will ever turn him into something beautiful. His entire life, people have attempted to crush him, and yet he’s still alive but not any prettier. He doesn’t know why. 

I swear, I’m really trying Get it together, [Omri], know and do better It just don’t come natural to me to think that you’d want me for mе I swear, I’m really trying Oh, I’m sorry, I promise, I’m doing my best I just haven’t learned how to be human as you are yet

Especially after meeting Sherry—when he was twenty-four and she was twelve—he really does want to be a good person. The problem is that he doesn’t think he’s capable of it. He was too broken by his path to becoming an assassin. He bought into the Crow propaganda, into Viago’s grooming, until Sherry shook him out of it by the virtue of just being an innocent little girl. He thinks that being non-human is a stain against him. He’ll never fit into society, which he sees as a significant hurdle to not only being accepted as good, but accepting himself as good. 

I still don’t know who you are I only know that I’m still lonely That morbid sort where even company can’t cure me And the more you reassure, the less I trust

Omri feels like he can never truly know another person. Not entirely. Especially not Neve. She’s too… above him. She’s too reserved, too smart. And it’s isolating. He assumes that Neve is able to connect far better with someone like Lucanis, someone who shares something closer to her social status. Omri has this deep-seeded sense of loneliness that will never go away. He’s never had a friend, he was only treated truly kindly once before meeting Sherry. And the more people reassure him that they like him, the less he trusts it. After all, Viago told Omri that he cared for him, that Omri was his First. And that was all just a lie to keep him wrapped around Viago’s finger. 

But still you gave me your heart I only gave you my body Honestly thought nobody’d want it, let alone notice it’s gone And so I left it home, but now, now, now, now

Omri, as Neve starts potentially falling for him, feels deeply guilty. He doesn’t think she deserves to be in a relationship with an empty husk of a man, someone who isn’t capable of, in his mind, actually loving someone back. He can give her his body, sure, but that’s always been the case for the last twenty years of his life. He’s never seen himself as desirable, so thinking that Neve desires him, genuinely, and isn’t just using him as an outlet frightens him. 

I keep a locket with a picture on the back of my head Oh, monkey-wrench my side view mirrors, ghost my friends I’ve lived more lives than enough, I haven’t died quite as much But I’m not a real person, just the shit you can’t make up, and

Omri is constantly watching over his shoulder. He’s paranoid that the Crows will come back to get him. He has to cut off all contact with people to keep them safe. Sherry is, potentially, only alive because he’s not around her any more, after all. He does think he’s lived more lives than enough, yet hasn’t died enough. He’s lived through being homeless as an infant, basically homeless in Kirkwall, being a groomed slave, being a slave that was aware of that grooming, being, essentially, a mourning father after the loss of Sherry, and then being Rook. He, somehow, has lived through all of this. He doesn’t think he should have. Again, he barely sees himself as a person, and the idea that he’s just the shit you can’t make up makes sense for someone constantly being berated for his “unbelievably stupid decisions” by Viago. 

I swear, I’m really trying I’m just as exposed if I take off my clothes When we make the closest thing to love that I’m capable of And I don’t know why you would care But I’m really trying Oh, I’m sorry, I promise, I’m doing my best I just haven’t learned how to be human as you are yet

He truly doesn’t think he’s capable of making love due to his awful sexual history. He doesn’t know what consensual sex looks or feels like. Making love is something that should be reserved for the people who are capable of having people fall in love with them and then returning that love. He doesn’t think that’s him. Again, he thinks being non-human is a stain against him. 

Did I really have any of that gravity? Maybe you’re quicksand Because I really couldn’t tell How deep my footprints went The vertex of my redemption arc The searching on that virgin heart I’m catatonic in your arms Crying, “How did I cause so much harm?”

He thinks that, by “leading Neve on,” he’s irreparably damaged her. By sleeping with her and playing into this romance, he’s tread all over her heart when he didn’t ever mean to leave a footprint. The idea of him having a virgin heart is mostly sarcastic, as he thinks that his old infatuation with Viago as a teenager has forever stained him, making him incapable of having that redemption arc. The use of catatonic, specifically, makes sense for Omri. He doesn’t cry. Instead, he just feels dead and hollow and full of regret for hurting the people he never meant to hurt. He really is a Crow. All he knows is how to harm people. 

I’m down, pounding my head against the kitchen floor Apologizing for my life and ever entering yours Don’t say “I’m sorry, but this can’t go on” I know you’ve got scars of your own But hide my knives before you go I’ll either live or die alone

The idea of pounding my head against the kitchen floor checks for him. He’s far more inclined to enact physical violence on himself when he’s upset, as that’s simply what he’s used to. He was not only hit by his masters in the Crows, but by his mother when he was young. Apologizing for my life makes perfect sense, as he’s always been trained from birth to see himself as a curse upon others. His gender literally caused his former noble of a mother to be thrown out of Orzammar. Neve’s romance involves her not wanting to commit because she’s afraid of intimacy, and Omri almost resents that she is the one to voice it when, in his mind, she’s a million times more capable of being in love than he is. He knows there’s something that’s causing her to hold back, but he doesn’t know what. He knows for a fact, however, that he’ll try to keep her as long as he can, even if that means hiding [his] knives, aka, the reality of what it means for him to be a Crow. 

I swear, I will die trying I’m still in the process, but I’m making progress I promise, I honestly wanna prove improvement’s possible I swear, I’m so fucking sorry I’m not a good person, I’m barely a person at all But someday I’ll be perfect, and I’ll make up for it all

Omri is very, very willing to throw his life away for the sake of those he cares about. It’s not a large number of people, but it’s deeply significant to him. He wants, so badly, to be a good person, but he doesn’t think it’s possible. I’m not a good person, I’m barely a person at all is what would go through his head every time Sherry tried to insist that he’s good. He never believed it. It’s sunk in so deeply that, even if every member of the Veilguard thinks that he’s good, it’s not enough. Maybe, one day, but… not yet. But maybe, once he’s good, it will make up for the fact that he’s a filthy murderer. 

And write a fucking song about it ‘Cause it has to be all about [Omri’s] fucking drama Goddamn it! Sorry Fuck, I’m sorry

Omri, after thinking about all of this, just… hates himself for it. He’s survived by making himself the center of attention in order to distract from what he’s really doing. Playing the part of an opera-loving clown to hide his intellect and planning. And yet, despite this tactic literally keeping him alive, whenever it comes to bringing attention to himself for a non-murderous reason, he feels completely undeserving of that spotlight and attention. Especially if it brings sympathy along with it. He doesn’t deserve to be regarded as a person, and his problems are not worthy of being taken seriously. He feels selfish. 

[loumauve]

Sable pic spam bc I'm ridiculously attached to this buggy game

[honeyflower-bellybower]

physically I'm here but mentally I'm still at that point in atyd where Remus sleeps with a random woman despite being gay and it's made no mention to Sirius but she had black hair and thin wrists and could dance well and

[danthropologie]

I can’t tell why the vibes are rancid tbh kinda sounds like Ricbull is…possibly happening? Daniel’s comments seemed more positive than negative but everyone everywhere is screaming “oh he’s done!!! Even max said so!!!”

no i know i was literally just saying this!!! the vibes are SO fucking rancid and i don't know exactly why either. very well could just be a 'darkest before dawn' situation with everyone getting their shitty ass hot takes out before whatever announcement is to come. could be something to do with the way silly season has dragged on for sooooo long this year because it started earlier than ever. could be that, for whatever reason, tons of people have just randomly decided they hate daniel now so they'll take any opportunity to shit on him, even if it's clearly dumb and fake and stupid.

whatever the case may be, i'm fucking TIRED and i'm just prayyyyyingggggg that the announcement comes early next week so we can just be done with the speculation and the questions and the bullshit and move on cause i don't know much more of this i can take 😭

[usakkhae]

"It's not cannon" Oh yeah? Then what is this?

[paimonial-rage]

My favorite works in no particular order:

Tipsy Tales (Anemo Boys)

Symbiosis (Ayato)

What Destiny Has Brought (Fischl)

Hello How Are You (Gorou)

Follow the Wind II (Kazuha)

Of the Same Coin (Mika)

Songs of the Wind (Venti)

Nothing Lasts Forever (Yae Miko)

Sharing a Drink They Call Loneliness (Zhongli)

Of Hopes and Prayers (Zhongli)

[axailslink]

Oh the way I need Riri to call me "mama" "mamas" or "ma" I'm craving it

[onlyasimp4nobody]

HI HI! Send into inbox trick!! for.. a trick (doodle) or treat!! for a.. treat (also doodle)

[bearsbeetsbeskar]

lots of ppl are happy about the mando movie but I am over here like:

[ofbetterbodies]

.

[dykethang]

one of my worst traits is that i believe fully that if i just think about it really hard i could make myself not bipolar. sheer force of will