#I'm feeling lots of things about Susan right now and this has fucked me UP

[ghostlyerlkonig]

i'm doing @batmanisagatewaydrug 's 2025 book bingo and 9 books in feels like a decent 'let's check in on this' time, with thoughts and feelings.

The Magicians by Lev Grossman (2009) - Feels like it walked right out of 2009. I did not love any of the characters in this book, they are almost all major dickwads but I was enraptured by seeing what happened to them. 4.5/5.

The Magician King by Lev Grossman (2011) - I like the main cast now and care about them, granted half of the book was more interesting than the other due to prior book build up. 5/5.

The Magician's Land by Lev Grossman (2014) - Good conclusion to the trilogy. I still like and root for all the characters (except one). The ending felt A Little rushed but not in a bad way. 4/5.

The Bright Sword by Lev Grossman (2024) - I fuck with this book so hard. For a historical fiction that does not stray tooooo far from it while also making Arthurian magics real, it never once attempts to 'explain' certain factors that do not need explaining. Best handling of a trans character I've read from a cis author in a HF. I'm biased to Arthurian based works but man this was so good. I finished it a month ago and I'm still thinking about it. 5/5.

Bring Me The Head Of Susan Lomond: A High School Story by Connor B. (2025) - Great queer comic from an artist I like a lot. I read most of it out loud with voiced because I could hear them so clearly. 5/5.

I'm Afraid You've Got Dragons by Peter S. Beagle (2024) - Beagle has the most wonderful way of writing the silliest shit and making it fun and beautiful. Not a complicated read by any means but I enjoyed a return to his voice, especially since he's in his 80s and has been put through the fucking ringer over the last 20~ years. 4/5.

Between Two Fires by Christopher Buehlman (2012) - Made me think more than I wanted it to. Somehow the surprise queer character was treated better than I expected (and a little worse). I can't believe it had me rooting for a pope for a solid 5 pages. Made me pull my European History text book from high school out of my closet so I could figure out how many miles one guy traveled and how bad the Bubonic Plague was in the towns he would have passed. Leaves a lot to your own imagination to freak you out with your own visual interpretation of the Christian mythos' angels and demons. And perhaps the giant catfish in Chernobyl. 4.5/5.

Are You My Mother? A Comic Drama by Alison Bechdel (2012) - Psychology heavy. I've avoided reading it for a while due to how Fun Home makes me feel. Bechdel's illustrations are great as always. One review I read described it as "what happened to the ground after it is broken" and yeah. Rereading Fun Home before I started it didn't help the emotions beside parsing them better. 5/5.

Mood Machine: The Rise of Spotify and the Costs of the Perfect Playlist by Liz Pelly (2025) - Wild book. Feels like an exposé more than a business book. Spotify is so fucked up. I knew this. Now I know it with more detail. Not the most outsider approachable if you aren't aware of the history of how predatory the music business is, but the MOST important things are well explained and terms are easily google-able. It dropped some details in regard to specifically Gen Z artists as victims of this new mainstream system, but that's my only loud gripe. I've been rethinking the relationship with music I developed while living in a 13x13ft room for all of 2020-21 and how I've experienced a "returned to form" from that constant need of background to enjoying records and albums as they exist for listening and paying attention to over the last year, this book solidified that active return to me as a good choice. I love music and what it is without capitalism breathing down its neck. 4.75/5.

Other books read (that i'm not putting on the bingo): Lord of the Rings Trilogy, The Art of War of the Rohirrim, Fun Home, Tree and Leaf, and Bisclavret

Next up:

Dudes Rock: A Celebration of Queer Masculinity in Speculative Fiction edited by Romanus and Candra

My Father's Dragon by Ruth Stiles Gannett

Bury Your Gays by Chuck Tingle

All Down Darkness Wide: A Memoir by Seán Hewitt

The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster

Reclaiming the Heartland: Lesbian and Gay Voices from the Midwest by Karen L. Osborne & William J. Spurlin

Ma and Me A Memoir by Putsata Reang

[thesokovianaccords]

thinking today about the fact that Susan Pevensie was 27 when she returned from Narnia the first time and 21 when her siblings died. she never got to see them as the adults she'd known the first time around.

[woodsfae]

B5 s04e03 The Summoning previous episode - table of contents

OK. I saw a spoiler saying that Lyta blew up a planet with her mind. And now every episode I'm like "IS SHE GOING TO BLOW UP A PLANET NOW" and she hasn't done it. This episode title isn't exactly planet-explosion material to me. And also, planet-exploding sounds like season finale type of shit to me. But I'm getting very impatient for the planetary explosions.

Love Susan's new mission, but am worried that she's going to get picked off out there alone, like G'Kar. 

And she taught herself Minbari uh. To a degree. lol!! Assigned translator politely, but firmly. 

"Tell the crew: anyone who laughs answers to me personally."

I am personally impressed that Delenn and Marcus both contained themselves. 

Wow, G'Kar is not having a good time. Ooof. fuckin. Too tragic! Give G'Kar a few wins to balance out the entire lifetime of extreme shit. 

Delenn voiceover after the credits. They are leaning hard on recapping every character's whereabouts at the beginning of each episode. I am assuming they didn't want the audience to be too lost if they missed an episode or two as it aired? 

Zack Allen is feeling authoritative! Telling Delenn what must be done. An unfortunately for my dislike of him, he is right, and they ought to go look for G'Kar. 

Londo got a haircut, looks like. That crest is definitely shorter. I find Londo and his storyline to be sad and tired. 

Torturers are unionized on Centauri, lovely. 

And this is an excessively awful fate for anyone, let alone one of my long-term faves like G'Kar. 

Vir: Emperor Cartagia needs to be stopped, but I don't know about regicide. Cartagia: Tried to chop G'Kar's hands off, lol. Vir: Londo, you have my murder blessing.

Zack Allen vs a rogue faction of PsiCorps? A Shadows-collaborating wing? 

not-Kosh has robbed Lyta of all but one of her belongings! Did he even let her keep a change of clothes? Everyone's got such unique problems. Lyta's is that she's being terrorized by a god having a meltdown over realizing mortality is a thing that applies to themself.

introducing the one, the only, psipuppet!Garibaldi. He has had repeated interest in PsiCorps and has investigated them, has contacts in them. I wonder if that's going to help him resist or anything.

Dang Lyta. I don't remember seeing the gills before. not-Kosh is a dick. 

Partner: "Dark Garibaldi! Dark Kotch!"

His memory of B5 is imperfect. 

fuck off, Londo. 

G'Kar won't oblige their oppressors...and he doesn't let a single hitch hit his voice when speaking with Londo, either. Speaks volumes. 

"I hope she appreciates it," & "Me too, *glances at Susan*" is toooo funny. 

There is no end to the drama Cartagia is into. 

The torture is gratuitous. The way G'Kar's story and later writing is handled is definitely my most major gripe. I don't find it to be well done for a lot of reasons I might write an essay about one of these days.

I'm afraid I don't have any theories about who was able to override B5's security. Sheridan? And reveal his escape in a dramatic flashback later? 

lol, yes. And to disprove Delenn's naysayers so immediately and firmly. 

Protester: "Captain we thought you were dead." Sheridan: "I was. I'm better now." 

Sheridan's plotline on the other hand really tickles my fancy. His legend is fucking wild, and now he's bartered for his life with the eldest of the elder gods, and returned from the dead and promised Delenn he'd do it again. 

Lorien is there! On B5! lmfao. I guess when you've hung out with two gods, fought and killed other gods, it ain't no thing to have the elder god hanging out. 

Oh fuck, the Vorlons destroyed an entire planet and it's 4 million inhabitants in order to remove the Shadows and their influence. That is an extreme position and escalation. It kinda just makes sense to me that this is an ideological struggle between the Vorlons and Shadows. That's a lot of lower order races caught in a really big vice. 

And the League knows much less about Vorlons and their weaknesses than the Shadows and theirs. 

epic! It is continually impressive how much this sci-fi feels like high fantasy, and how correct and exciting it is for the main characters to create their own great deeds that rival the gods and all their powers. 

Also....I cannot believe I was excited about planets blowing up at the beginning of the episode. I didn't mean blow up planets like that!"

and another!

[mermaidsirennikita]

So the Susan Elizabeth Phillips book I'm listening to is It Had to Be You (because the only Chicago Stars book I've read is Nobody's Baby But Mine and it's football season so TIME 2 GO)

And though there are for sure some choices made that VERY much signal this is a 1994 novel (one wording in like, the first chapter, made my eyebrows shoot STRAIGHT UP) (though I'll also say that this book is super about Gay Rights, like our heroine Phoebe surrounds herself with gay men and donated a fuckton of money to AIDs-related charities, and to be clear her 1990s football coach hero is also v down with the gays~, I am blindly going with it)

I will also say that whenever I read an SEP book, I'm struck by several things I find so difficult to find in current contemporary romcoms...

A) legit humor

B) ... thoughtful writing ....

C) the couple just. FUCKING AROUND.

Like, Phoebe has a lot of trauma and hangups (she's also 33, which I love! And I suspect that her hero, Dan, is probably in his late thirties/early forties) but a big part of this book is her learning to be comfortable with sex, which happens with Dan, even though Dan is in fact completely unaware that this is what is going on and just thought that her being like "Can you pretend I'm a virgin" the first time they boned was roleplaying

(Dan: WHEN WILL SOMEONE FUCK ME IN A NON-ROLEPLAYING CONTEXT???)

But like... they have sex... and he doesn't realize what a big deal it was for her so he just sorta skedaddles... and she's pissed about it so they sort of simmer in mutual "it'll never happen again" resentment... until they sorta buddy-buddy because he realizes he was being a dick (don't worry, this is SEP, he WILL be a dick again) and then she pisses him off so much by being like YOOHOO BOYS I THINK PICTURING THE OTHER TEAM NAKED WILL HELP YOU WIN THE FOOZEBALL GAME and then it WORKS, so naturally he then confronts her in the airplane bathroom directly after and she calls him on his shit and dresses him down, only to realize during turbulence-related body-slamming that her berating him made him FULLY aroused, which leads to a partial airplane BJ (her first BJ) (Dan, who does not know this is her first BJ, mentally: she is "sweetly awkward" about this) and an airplane fingerbang (complete) (this poor football team is just asleep a few feet away)

And now! They're just sorta sitting in snarky, not-dating, sometimes fucking around limbo... all while this man is fully like "I WILL BE ASKING THAT SWEET NURSERY SCHOOL TEACHER OUT BECAUSE I THINK SHE'LL BE A GREAT MOM TO MY NONEXISTENT KIDS.... TOMORROW........................... AFTER I FUCK PHOEBE AGAIN.................."

(Because mind you, when she was all "but you didn't come in this airplane bathroom" he was like "ohmigod her sweetly awkward unfinished BJ made me feel A Feeling, I've gotta put some distance between us by telling her that one day I'm going to just say 'Now' and regardless of where we are or what she's doing she needs to follow me to the closest broom closet and SPREAD'")

(to which Phoebe goes "oh actually that sounds amazing", so it did backfire)

There is no discussion of dating or their feelings! There is no rational discussion! They're just impetuously hooking up when they get horny! And sitting there snarking at the workplace (because MIND YOU, she OWNS THE FOOTBALL TEAM HE'S COACHING) while everyone on this football team probably considers whether or not this is becoming a hostile work environment! They're sort of semi-raising her teenage sister together at this point and there has been NO! DEFINING! THE RELATIONSHIP! NO! SENSE! ALL! FEELINGS! AND! FUCKING! AND! MESS!

Honestly??? It also just feels more like how a lot of relationships develop organically??? From situationships to "Oh wait, we're like... dating..." without a full-length discussion until it's already kinda happening?

Like, this is the vibe I want from a contemporary romance. Less rational robotic shit and more "local idiots stumble into love"

[oliviarose06]

Reincarnate Chapter One: Digging Up Regrets

It wasn't her fault. He wanted to help. He wanted to do it. Those were all things Taralynne had been told since Ricky's death. When the Reincarnates took over, everything fell apart. They took the forms of those they killed, according to everyone. Tara had no reason to worry about their origin, not until now. A lot of people, including Tara and her family, fled to this mansion Tara's grandfather owned since it was so big. Enough room for everyone that had fled there, a few people just had to share rooms. Thankfully, Ricky and Tara got their own room, until the Reincarnates got him. Now he's gone, and Tara is left to blame herself.

"Tara?" Her mother said, knocking on her bedroom door, "Can I come in?"

"Now's not the time, mom." Tara said with a roll of her eyes.

Susan, Tara's mother, always hated Ricky. Susan was an awful woman, who always tried to tell Tara 'Get over it!' and 'You're better off without him' when Tara says she misses him. Lately, though, Susan has been stooping to a new low; trying to set Tara up with a new man, just weeks after Ricky's drained corpse was found in the forest.

"Come on, Tara, just give Michael a chance, you'll realize you don't need Ricky with him around." Susan said, disregarding the sobbing coming from Tara's bedroom.

"Mom, I said not now! Go away!!" She shouted, and after a few seconds, her mother just came in and shut the door.

"Are you going mope around forever, Tara? He's gone, get over it and move on." Susan said bitterly.

"Yeah, I'll bet you're happy he's gone and I'm suffering because of it, aren't you, mom?" Tara sits up and sniffles.

"Oh, you know I'm not enjoying you mope around about a man that never deserved you to begin with, darling. I just want to get you out of this funk and back out there!" Susan said defensively.

"And you're only making it worse! Do me a favor and leave me alone!"

"Tara, I'm just-"

"Mom, LEAVE ME ALONE!" Tara shouted and slammed her head back down on her pillows.

After a few seconds, and with a huff, Susan left and slammed the door shut behind her. Taralynne was done waiting around for her life to get back on track. No amount of therapy or talking through her feelings could get the image of Ricky's lifeless, pale, and cold corpse out of her head. She wanted to see him alive and breathing one last time- she had to.

------------------------------------

Later that night, Tara was pacing around her bedroom and wondering to herself... Was this a good idea? Sure, it was probably a death with, but seeing him one last time, telling him she loved him and she missed him, it was better to her than no closure at all and being miserable until she either dies or is killed by a Reincarnate or a looter.

"Fuck it." She said to herself. She grabbed her cloak, threw it on, grabbed her lantern and lit it, then grabbed her shovel and walked over to the window while looking at the clock. 3:15 am.

Ricky was buried in the cemetery, where all the others that have died in the initial Reincarnate uprising were buried. All she had to do was get passed the guards patrolling the area and she could walk down the path to the cemetery.

She opened the window and set the lantern on the windowsill, then tossed the shovel out onto the dirt and climbed out. Tara then grabbed the lantern, closed the window, and began walking to the old path to the cemetery.

As she walked, she saw the guard was at the gates, dead asleep. His snores were enough to attract Reincarnates from all over the place, being they were so loud Tara swore she heard the gates rattling.

"Fucking useless." She whispered with a scoff and snuck right past him and out the mansion gates. With a sigh, she began walking down the foggy path and towards where she knew the cemetery was.

The woods were always foggy at night, and it made Taralynne uneasy when she looked out her bedroom window, but now that she was walking through it herself it was so much worse. The forest seemed to be alive, breathing and whispering around her, but she ignored the growing dread in her gut and pressed on. After a few minutes, she finally reached the entrance to the cemetery and stopped to take a deep breath. Not long now, Taralynne. She thought to herself, It'll all be over soon, one way or another.

She walked into the cemetery into the cemetery and looked at all the headstones, reading the names of people she once knew and was close to.

Vinny Mauro. Justin Morrow. Joshua Balz. Christopher Cerulli... Richard Olson. That was it, this was where he was. She froze when she read it and gently set her lantern down before dropping to her knees. It felt all too real, seeing a headstone with his name on it, a dark reminder that he was gone and away from her. She missed him, wanted him back, so that's why she was here. She stood up, wiped her tears, and started digging. All she could do while she dug was cry, sob and occasionally stop to whimper and silently beg something would go her way tonight. It took what felt like hours of digging and throwing dirt over her shoulder to hit something...and she froze again to process that fact that she may have very well hit his coffin. After a few seconds of thinking, Taralynne threw her shovel out of the grave and dropped to her knees again on the wooden box to start throwing dirt to the side. While she was mindlessly and frantically throwing dirt aside, she felt a painful snag and tear on her hand. "Ow, fuck!" She whispered, seeing she'd been cut by broken glass, which took a few seconds to register to her.

Broken glass. That means the window that was on Ricky's coffin was broken, and after moving the dirt away from that area with her uninjured hand...her fears were confirmed. The glass was broken, and Ricky was gone.

"What the..."

Taralynne didn't get to fully process when she the back of her cloak get grabbed and she was yanked out of the grave like a small child throwing a small plastic doll. She flew through the air before crashing onto the ground and rolling, slamming her back into a tree. It took her a few seconds to get her vision back, but when she did, she saw a figure standing over her. Once she was able, and began backing away fearfully, "Ricky...Ricky no." She whispered as she looked at him.

He looked nothing like the Ricky she knew. His skin was pale, the skin around his hauntingly blue eyes was black and his long black hair was a rats nest. The dress shirt he was wearing looked a little wrinkled and torn and his pants were covered in dirt. He was a Reincarnate now...her worst fears were becoming realities. He stalked after her as she tried to scoot away from him and he only laughed.

"What is it, little one? Afraid of me? It's me, Tara. Don't be afraid." He said, almost taunting her.

"No, no you're not him. You're not Ricky." She said as she used a tree to stand up despite the pain in her back.

"Come on~. You know me, look me in the eye and say that again, babydoll."

His eyes started glowing blue as he was speaking, and it was captivating Taralynne, making her want to do exactly what he was telling her to.

"I...you..." But she managed to resist, and looked away, "No, you're not him! My Ricky is dead."

"Then what are you doing here?" He asked, tilting his head and smirking smugly at her as he stalked towards her, "Came to bid your little boyfriend goodbye? It's too late for that, Taralynne. He's long gone, you want him back?"

She started sobbing against the tree. He was just taunting her. Using her love for Ricky to make her fearful and miserable. It was what Reincarnates were known for. They had taken one girl from the mansion using her biggest points of sadness and suffering against her, Taralynne couldn't be the next. "No..."

"No?" Ricky scoffed, "Oh, yes you do, Tara-doll."

She tensed at the nickname. Tara-doll was a name only Ricky used for her when he was alive, the fact that this Reincarnate Ricky remembered was frightening, to say the least. not wasting another second, she tried to start running, and Ricky quickly gave chase. She had to get away. The pain in her back was making it unbearable, but she was only thinking about surviving now.

She didn't get very far before Ricky tackles her to the ground. She screams and struggles, but it was all useless. He was much stronger now. This wasn't the playfighting they used to do, where Ricky would let her win- this was life or death. Ricky was able to easily overpower her and pin her arms down, then she saw his head dart down to her neck and felt a pain she'd never felt before. Tara screamed as loud as she could, but soon felt lightheaded and began to lose consciousness.

"Soon, Tara-doll." Was the last thing she heard before she fell into a deep sleep.

----------------------------

"Taralynne! Taralynne!"

She was being shaken awake by her older sister, Vicky, the next morning. She groaned and held her forehead as she sat up in her bedroom, in her pajamas and everything.

"Ugh, finally! I thought you were dead!" Vicky rolled her eyes, "Hurry up and get up, the chefs are making breakfast."

"Uh, yeah, right. I'll be right down." She said. Her ears were ringing with a migraine, she really didn't feel like hearing Vicky drone on and on right now.

"Hurry up." Vicky said as she left the room.

How am I alive? Tara thought. She'd been killed by Ricky, right. He bit her and drained her, didn't he? She got up out of bed and as soon as she was on her feet, the world began spinning and she was falling to the floor, holding her head in one hand and her trembling body weight with the other. What had he done to her? She felt awful! Tara got up and walked to the bathroom, pulling her shirt to the side, and revealing an infected looking bite mark. The puncture wounds were swollen and red and bruised, and the veins around the area the bite rested in looked black and grey, any color but blue. He had bitten her, but how was she not dead? He should've just killed her off right then and there, right? Unless...

"No," She said to herself, "No, not the alternative. There has to be a third option."

She was only telling herself that because she didn't want to believe he had infected her with something, she knew that. She knew all too well that she was a goner now. Soon, Tara-doll. The words echoed in her mind on repeat. What did he mean? She would be dead soon? She would also be a Reincarnate soon? Does this bite mean he's somehow laid a claim to her? What did any of this mean? Taralynne's mind was running a million miles a minute and she didn't know what to do, what to think, who to even tell, if anyone. Who could she tell about this? Everyone she could trust is dead now- Chris, Josh, Vinny, everyone in her old friend group was gone now, she truly had no one she could open up to about this that wouldn't go blabbing to anyone else. She only had herself right now, and she knew she was going to have to deal with that for the time being.

"Tara! Let's go!" Susan yelled from downstairs.

"Okay! Let me get dressed!" She called down to her mother.

Tara dressed herself into a turtleneck sweater and skinny jeans before heading downstairs where everyone else was already eating. She sat down at the very end of the table and looked down at the empty plate. She wasn't hungry, she felt awful, but if she didn't at least show her face people would catch onto the fact that something was wrong and find out she'd snuck to the cemetery the night prior. She had to keep appearances.

"Hey Tara." Someone said flirtatiously.

"Fuck~." She groaned, "Not now, Michael."

"Why not? Can't I talk to a pretty girl?" Michael tried flirting with her as he always did, "It's about time you got over that damn dead boyfriend of yours."

Those words really hurt Taralynne, and she sighed, "Don't say that. If you want a chance with me at all, you'll leave me alone and never mention Ricky again, understand?"

Michael scoffed, "Oh please, you and I both know you'll stay single forever if I don't woo you."

"Then maybe that's what I want. You should learn that no means no before I take these butter knives and one for each eye." She says, grabbing two butter knives off of the table.

"Jeez, okay." Michael rolls his eyes, "I'm just saying. Maybe give a charmer like me a chance, and I can make you forget all about-"

"Don't fucking say it, Michael." She said, loud enough to catch the attention of those at the table.

Embarrassed and rejected, Michael huffed and stood up, walking back to where he was sitting previously next to Susan while everyone's eyes darted between him and Taralynne. She didn't care though, oddly and unlike usual, she seemed glad people were looking, so he felt embarrassed. Maybe he'd back off at least a little bit.

-------------------------------

12:00 that afternoon

Taralynne was with Susan in the gardens picking flowers for the inside of the mansion. The smell of death outside can only seep inside for so long before people began loosing their minds, after all.

"You should stop rejecting, Michael, Taralynne. He's a good match for you." Susan said dryly, picking pink roses.

"I won't, mom. I won't stop rejecting him, nor will I ever be with him." Tara said, feeling oddly drawn to the red roses and kneeling down in front of them.

"And why not?"

"Because my heart was buried with the man who owned it." Tara said as she started picking the red roses. She was oddly feeling a lot more agitated by her mother's behavior than she normally would be- she'd been more agitated with everyone in the mansion than she normally would be. She didn't know why, but she figured Ricky's bite had something to do with it.

"Taralynne, grow up and get over the fact that Ricky is dead. No amount of moping is going to bring him back, and you need to move on." Susan said coldly, clearly no regard for Taralynne's feelings in the slightest.

"No, you need to grow up and accept that I'll never love another man like I loved him, and get over the fact that I'm never going to just date another man because I'm single now." Tara snapped.

"Taralynne Michelle, you will move on or I will make you!"

"Make me then!" She shouted, standing up and grabbing the garden sheers and pointing them at Susan, "Try and make me, and see how well it works out for you!"

Susan was stunned silent. Taralynne had never been violent like this, or done anything to suggest she was capable violence in any way shape or form, so seeing her daughter act this way was such a shock to Susan she ran away and back into the mansion. Tara felt oddly...satisfied that her mother had run away like that. It meant she was in charge for a moment, and that felt good. With a satisfied sigh, Tara went back to picking roses and smelling them as she put them in the basket.

Whatever Ricky's bite had done to her, she was hating it. The migraines, throwing up, dizzy spells, and she knew this was only the beginning. She knew there was more to come. Soon she'd understand what Ricky meant when he said...

Soon Tara-doll...

[roseofithaca]

Last Days

(Some entries from my oc Silver's "Book of Shadows" / diary, leading up to her death. The photo is of my actual doggo who passed away eight years ago. 🥺🥹).

'

24th June 2003

Confidence Spell

In a cleansed space, dress a small orange candle with oil and coat with mixed herbs, most notably rosemary, chamomile and lavender. State your intention before lighting the match. Sit and watch in a comfortable position while visualising the light glowing within yourself.

I did it.

I told them.

The spell worked, it gave me the courage to stand in front of them and finally come out. In hindsight I should have remembered to cast a ward of protection around myself for the aftermath. But Derek at the shop told me that focusing too much on protection magic can actually attract harmful energies. And, to be honest, a part of me wanted the drama. I wanted my family to give a shit, even if it was thrown in my face. Wow, gross imagery there, Silver.

I suppose it went better then some. Reading posts on some gay and lesbian forums, some folks have it a lot worse, especially over in America. This one girl's dad was a pastor (I think that's like a Vicar? We only ever called them that around my town). When she came out to him, he had her sent to some preachy conversion therapy camp and she ended up having to run away to live with her cousin, now her immediate family act like she's dead. Yikes. I didn't get it that bad.

My sister rolled her eyes and scoffed. "Sure you are. You're totally not just doing this for attention, like the witchy thing." And my brother was cringing like I'd tried to flash him or something. "How do you even know? You've not even had that many boyfriends!" Ugh! What the fuck?! What kind of older brother wants his sister to sleep around more than dudes until she "can be certain"? I've had enough experience as I need, bruv! Think he just feels weird now as I've probably ruined all that lesbian p*rn I know he's into after that time I used the computer after him and he forgot to delete his history.

And Mum? Well.

She cried. She didn't wail or scream or anything but if was kinda like the cry of a little kid who got told they weren't allowed to get some Pik n Mix at Woolies. I asked if she was angry and she just threw her hands up and said she was disappointed I wouldn't "at the least" give her grandkids. Then she stormed outside to smoke with my sister.

I felt so cold and numb afterwards. What did that even mean? How would being gay mean I can't be a mum? We've all watched Friends, we saw Ross' ex Carol be a mum, Susan was his adoptive mum, that could happen to me. Or I could adopt. Fuck, I want to be a mum, someday...way, way, way off. And anyway, she has a grandkid! I'm surprised my brother didn’t pipe up to remind her of that. It was just me and him left in the room and it was awkward as fuck. Bri and I have butted heads but I'm closer with him than Lisa, which is not saying much. Think my confession ruined whatever little sibling bond was there.

Shit, I wish Dad had been there. He'd have been cool with it. He'd have been so proud of me for being brave enough to tell them all and he'd have given me one of his epic bear hugs.

Except that's a lie.

According to Brian, anyway. When I mentioned Dad to him, he scoffed and said "You're joking, right? Dad was homophobic as shit. This the guy who refuses to watch Star Trek TNG because a 'poofta' was the Captain."

That hurt worse than any reaction the others had to my coming out. At first I hoped he was just saying it to get a rise out of me or just to be a dick. But the more I looked back through my hazy memories, I can recall those tiny little bigoted comments which as a kid you just don't care about. Because they didn't matter to me back then. All I cared about was that Dad was fun, that he spoiled me rotten, that he'd take me to McDonalds whenever I asked and to the cinema and Stone Henge.

I needed some air after that. Jess always provided an easy excuse to go for a walk around the fields to clear my head. While she bounded off after squirrels once I let her off lead, I sat under a tree and cried my fucking eyes out. Not for the reactions of those I got, but for the one I would never get.

Those breathing exercises Derek showed me helped a lot. The throbbing in my head died down a little. Chanting the names of the Goddess while I tried to focus on letting go of that useless worry over a dead parent's opinion of me.

It sounds awful but, given how many father-daughter relationships I've seen break down when girls reach their teens, maybe I was lucky to lose my dad as young as I was before he could truly disappoint me.

But either way, I did it. I'm now and out and proud gay (or bi, I'm not 100%, just definitely not straight) witch. Love me or leave me.

So mote it fucking be.

31st October 2003

And the fires shall burn, and the wheel of life shall turn, and the dead come back home on Samhain!

Happy Halloween!

As it's the Wiccan New Year, I guess I should make a resolution? I resolve to start living my damn life.

Ever since I dropped out of college, it's like I've been drifting through life. The few jobs I've had haven't gone anywhere and I just don't know what to do with myself. Actually, no, I fantasise about the life I want all the time.

A cottage in the woods. I wanna wake up and breathe in nature every morning. I want my own garden where I can grow fruit and veg and herbs for my spells. I want to be able to sit and read my fantasy books in the sunshine for hours in peace. Obviously Jess will come with me, I'm pretty much the only one who walks and takes care of her, she's my bestest girl. And I'll adopt three or five more dogs. Maybe a couple of chill cats. It would be so cool if I could tame a fox like that woman who was on This Morning the other days. Foxes are basically cats inside little dog shells, they're so cool. And I want a wife...I think. Part of me would be happy living alone with nature and pets but then I get this niggle of desire for someone to wake up with and appreciate all that beautiful stuff with me every day.

But that life is just not gonna happen unless I find a way to make a shit ton of money to move out of my town and set up somewhere in the West Country or Surrey or Kent etc. For now I'm trapped in this tiny shitty town in the arse-end of Essex with almost no bus routes. Driving lessons have all ended in disaster, fucking dyspraxia I'm blaming you.

Gods, please, if you're going to trap me anywhere for the rest of my existence can it at least be somewhere better than this?!

What few friends I had have all gone off to Uni or abroad. One girl even asked if I wanted to go to Australia with her but the idea of working in a bar gives me chest pains. Plus the spiders! Sorry, little dudes, I love and respect you but I can't help but get the creeps! I keep up with what they're doing on MySpace and MSN but a lot of it depresses me to realise how stagnant my life is. Not only am I trapped but I'm also lonely as shit.

LOL. Jess just rested her head on my knee as I wrote that and gave me the biggest saddest labradoodle eyes. Of course I'm not totally alone, I've got my bestest girl. And my deities. Enough to keep me sane.

Speaking of mental health, gotta remember to make an appointment with my GP about these headaches. Mum blames the incense and reckons I'm dehydrated. Says the woman who smokes like a chimney and needs a glass of wine a day to get through the week.

Doing my Samhain rite later but first gonna take Scarlet out trick or treating. Her little witchy costume is so cute! I know the whole hat and warty nose stereotype is offensive to Wiccan culture but OMG she is adorbubble with her little plastic cauldron! Can't believe she's nearly three, she's growing up so fast. Even if I never get to be the cottage core mum I dream of, I can be the awesome witchy aunt.

11th March 2004

A spell to attract friendship

Cleanse an empty bottle with incense. Fill with pink or white salt to protect from toxic relationships, cloves for friendship, cinnamon for happiness, lavender for calm, rose quartz and amethyst for healthy friendship, sugar for sweetness, a dandelion for loyalty, seal with yellow wax, carry in purse or pocket often - remember you need to leave your room to find those friends you seek.

I might have just discovered something really cool!

We're staying at my great uncle's house in Surrey for a couple of weeks to help him out while he's not well. Uncle Bob's always been a cool old dude, I wish he'd lived closer when I was growing up. Anyway he knows how into the supernatural I am and started telling me legends of this really old house literally just a twenty minute walk from where we're staying.

And when I say old I mean OLD. Like Henry VIII old, if not before that! He even has this book telling the history of it. Apparently the rich lady who lives there used to host tours but she's getting too old to do it now and has mostly become a recluse. There's all sorts of shit that went down in that house, some Tory prick who died in a sex scandal, ROFL, it was used for all sorts of soldier stuff during WWII, a bunch of rich folk whose names I still see dotted around the village lived there. Even before there was a house there were settlements were there were plague outbreaks and witch trials. Actual fucking WITCH TRIALS! I always wanted to visit Salem but screw it I got some history on my doorstep now.

And theres all sorts of ghost stories! Some dude who tried to kill Queen Elizabeth I got his head chopped odd and rumour is his headless body can be seen wandering the grounds. There's this famous 'Grey Lady' ghost who falls out the window screaming in the middle of the night. Some freaky creature like a wannabe Bigfoot roaming the woods.

I gotta go there. Sounds like it's buzzing with untapped magical energy. Just looking at the photo of the building, I feel like it's calling to me.

Honestly one of the coolest bits of history was there was said to be a stone circle which the house now stands on. Don't think I can get myself in there, even if I ask the old posh woman really really nicely. But there should be enough power around the site for me to call to.

Screw it. I'm sick of trying to find my own coven to do shit like this. I did a quick scope of the place while walking Jess and it doesn't look like she has much in the way of security. There's not even that high a fence around the wood. I can jump over that easy enough.

Gotta take the opportunity while I'm here. Uncle Bob might be being moved into residential care so chances of us coming back to this part of the county is slim.

Still got those mushrooms Derek's nephew gave me. Been really hesitant about taking them, I don't like doing drugs more than a little bit of weed and even that ends up making me paranoid and thinking the world hates me.

But he swore that if I wanted to properly see the gods, they were the best tool.

So tonight, I'm gonna sneak out and make my way up there, set up an altar and ground myself. It's gonna be like taking a bubble bath in pure magick! I got all that history and ancient energy as well as the full moon. Helped bake some cakes for Uncle Bob earlier and gonna take a few crumbs of the leftovers as offerings. Pan especially has such a sweet tooth.

This is the night I'm gonna take my life into my hands and summon everything I want. Love, friendship, freedom, excitement....oh and mustn't forget healing for these stupid migraines.

Jess keeps staring at me from the foot of my bed, whimpering for attention. Maybe she wants to play fetch. Maybe she wants to come with me. Should I take her? Hekate likes dogs so she might appreciate her there. And I am going into the dark woods all on my own. A lot of scary stuff has happened to young girls and women on the news lately. But they were children, I'm twenty next year! If I take Jess with me and she starts barking, it might wake the Button lady or her neighbours.

No, babygirl, best you stay here. It's gonna be boring for you watching me do my ritual high as a kite while I tie you to a tree. Once I'm back I'll sneak you up some chicken from the fridge.

It can be our little secret. ;) and I'll do a spell to make sure my best girl has plenty more years of treats and belly rubs to come.

So mote it fucking be.

[phantomspren]

The absolutely fucking wild thing about media is how in many ways it resists the linearity of time.

Full disclosure, I'm a baby, I'm nineteen.

I do not limit my media consumption by when it was created.

I read a lot of classics, I read The Count of Monte Cristo (published from 1844-46 I think) this winter. That story has been in the world for 200 years. It's still wildly entertaining and millions of people continue to enjoy it and interpret it in new ways and inspire them to tell stories.

Don't even get me started on older stories! One of my favorite musicals is based on The Iliad and The Odyssey!

Shakespeare? You can't get through high school without reading some of his stuff. The 1996 Hamlet is one of my favorite movies ever. I've got a copy of the play from 1888.

I have totally normal relationships with these kinds of media.

But my brain gets really weird with media that was coming out from around the 70s to maybe 2010. (I was born in 2005.)

It almost can't accept that I wasn't alive/overly coherent when those things were coming out. They feel really recent compared to things like The Odyssey or Hamlet or The Count of Monte Cristo. But like. I know people who were alive and functioning adults in the 70s. So those feel way less separated from me, especially because a lot of that media is still well known. I'm listening to Queen right now, and I'm listening to Queen because of Good Omens, which was published in 1990, Good Omens also got me into Sandman which started coming out in 1989, and I just watched Return of the King today (2003). (Good Omens and Sandman are largely as active as they currently are due to the shows, which are fantastic and I'm really grateful the fandoms are still going strong.)

I know I'm nineteen. I feel like I'm nineteen. I know I was born in 2005, I'm very much an early 2000s kid. But at the same time my brain cannot wrap itself around the fact that I just wasn't alive when some of this stuff was coming out.

Beyond just knowing people who were alive at that time, I think there may be two other reasons I feel like this. One is that my mom is weird, and was kinda adverse to showing me more modern movies and TV shows when I was a kid, so up until I was maybe ten, I would primarily watch stuff like original Disney movies, Zoboomafoo (1999), Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood (1968), and Fraggle Rock (1983). So I was just kinda disconnected from more recent stuff. My mom would also regularly read books to my sister and I, and a lot of them were things that she read growing up, like Over Sea, Under Stone (1965) by Susan Cooper. So I really just had a weird perception of media. I wasn't allowed to watch Spongebob.

Another is that maybe almost every other thing I've gotten into the last five or ten years, I've gotten into while it's in the middle of it. Owl House? I started watching when season two was wrapping up and actively coming out. The Locked Tomb? Just read this last year, we still don't have a release date for the final book. Hollow Knight, still no Silksong release date. I got into Good Omens through the show, and season three is going to start filming in January. Brandon Sanderson has been putting out like ten billion books a year since I started reading his stuff in 2017. Most music I listen to is by small indie groups who are still putting music out. So I'm largely really used to being in the thick of things and experiencing it all.

On one hand I do feel like I missed out on so much.

Which I did.

But that's kinda how being human goes. (I also missed out on some really terrible things and I'm really grateful for that, though I'm definitely worried about the future.)

Maybe people will feel this way about tOH and tLT and GO and Silksong at some point a couple decades down the line.

On the other hand, it's. So fucking cool that these things are still around and easily accessible. I mean, everyone knows Queen for a reason. Sandman and Good Omens are getting TV adaptations now for a reason. A bunch of people at my job are listening to Tolkien while they work for a reason.

And it's so exciting just thinking about all the amazing things that have yet to be created.

This is secretly a post about why we should be able to physically own media so that things like this can still be easily accessible for years down the line, not subject to the whims of streaming companies. /hj (I've really been enjoying my access to my parents' fancy DVD player while I'm home for the summer. :p And this is making me grateful it is now nearly impossible to watch VHS tapes, I did not like those things.)

Okay thanks for coming to my really weird ted talk.

[genderqueerpond]

ok so heres a few thoughts

in reverse order. because I'm thinking backwards after finishing.

I REALLY THOUGHT THEY WERE ABOUT TO GET HIT BY A BUS RIGHT AT THE END THERE

the girl in the dance scene. in the yellow hat and lavender tights. Susan Foreman. To Me. this is based on absolutely nothing but vibes and my faceblind ass thinking they look alike, but I think it would be so fucking cool if she was. therefore since it harms nothing and there's no one to tell me otherwise, I have decided to incorporate this into my worldview forevermore <3

just when I said there was nothing dr who could do that I wouldn't forgive, they say something that could almost be taken as teasing a christianity-real worldbuilding, probably the one thing I couldn't forgive. had more than enough of that already. however we won't be entertaining this possibility any further. it was very vague, and they're clearly not doing that, I won't allow it.

I thought it would be ruby who'd get the chord right when the doctor failed. literally the song that's embedded in her subconscious probably **IS** that song? still think that would have been best but I guess I'll take the beatles

idk how I feel about doing a drag queen villain. i know I know and they're absolutely WONDERFUL but I just don't know. torn about this.

alright so like... we've skipped an entire season. the dynamic between ruby and the doctor is so much more familiar by episode 2, "you never run away"/"you always know what to do", and it's June or July but hard to keep track, meaning she's been traveling with the doctor while keeping in touch with her friends and family by phone for approximately six months now

ruby in the most 60's fit anyone from 2024 could possibly wear: "we're in the 60's, but what about my clothes?!"

I KNEW they were about to start playing the dw theme on piano and segue into the real thing and I still screamed when it happened. absolutely phenomenal

------

crying because you almost killed your monster baby..... good stuff. queer subtext

15 shaping up on track to be extremely Inconsistent and Hypocritical about killing monsters/villains or saving them. some may see this as bad characterization but really it's very The Doctor of him. always has been governed by whims on this

I really believe the entirety of Space Babies was manifested by Ruby's subconscious.

as in, none of that existed until she arrived, and then it did. because of her. it came out of her mind, beginning with the butterfly effect, to the orphan babies who never grew up. it all says a lot of compelling things about her as a person. she's secretly terrified of getting things wrong, the abandoned child part of her still feels much younger than she is.

oh boy this character is so new and I'm already writing meta for her this is great. also her limitless compassion is a great strength. top tier companion material, no wonder the doctor wanted her.

"the human race we survived." --- coming from the present day, this really is a time when that feels surprising huh. yeah

the way fifteen says "Gone!" to Ruby's question about Gallifrey. The tone of voice fucking killed me. "and I am so glad to be alive" --- yeah but its also like he's saying, meet me on this level, we are happy, we are doing happiness. do not challenge this. reminds me of eleven. by which I mean hoo boy

also I love him. easily on track to be my second favorite doctor in a few more episodes.

[feerz]

Watching Three Houses!!

Live blogging it! (And it got long)

I love Susan's dress so much

Sadie's little wave!

Dave Malloy, I love you so much every time you put instruments on stage

BIRCH TREES!!!! The birds section is so incredibly beautiful, one of my favourite parts

AND THE BIRCH TREES STAND LIKE GHOSTS

Pookie, my beloved. She's so cute

I FILLED THE HOUSE WITH MUSIC

I love her voice change for "and there's no one to tell me to turn it down"

I love them all dancing

"Have you ever fallen in love with someone by looking at their books?"

As someone who loves sorting his books, Susan is very relatable, and that part really scratches my brain

Honestly, I need a full list of all the references and symbolism for the Three Little Pigs

Octet reference!!

This show has great instrumentations/orchestration (? Idk which one it is). Ig like most malloysicals lol

"Fuck around and find out"

I love the crystal soul contemplation. Can't really have a malloysical without some contemplating about souls now can you?

This is so cringe, but every time I heat the "crazy? I'm crazy for feelings. " I think of that même "crazy? I was crazy once, etc"

Scary Pookie

Ohhh, I am Not Ready for the Berries and the Plums....

I was not ready.

"That's alright, Susan. After all, who says it's true" INSANE

THE WOOLF'S SWEATER!! Need it

Sadie, I love you so much. I'm very jealous of her flower suit

Beckett, what is wrong with you (affectionate)

The desert is such a fun song. AND THE HOUSE WAS FUCKING GREAT!! BIG BRASS BED!

All Dave Malloy knows is write beautifully about observing stars, and I EAT IT UP EVERY TIME

As someone who plays a lot of sims and acnh, this hits way too close to home

Props to the actors for when they have to act for the creechers (Pookie, Zippy, Shelob), especially for the voices they do

HURDY GURDY!! What a great instrument, Sadie's so right to be obsessed with it

Grandpa's speel about respecting wood and the instruments reminds me of how in Monk (Ghost Quartet) David plays the last piano in the world because the gods have decreed that we don't treat music as holy enough

They really captured the vibes of acnh villagers, got to love the jock villagers <3

Planking really does make your mind go blank, Zippy's right

NO SADIE, YOU'RE STILL ALIVE. YOU HAVE TO LIVE, YOU HAVE TO LIVE

Why would you give Zippy alcohol 😭😭

God, too soon destroyed me on my first listen

"The Kareoke Incident"

Smh the crowd judging Zippy for wanting a mental health day and setting boundaries

The Quarters thing never happened to me, but to be honest, it definitely feels like a thing that could've happened to me... Dave Malloy, get out of my brain

Man, the second house hits way too close to home

Is the Wolf song just for the album??

"Would you like a brick?" *doesn't wait for an answer, drops a brick on the table*

Yay I can't wait for Beckett and how Not Okay he is <3 (just like all of them lmao)

I love the beef between him and the Wolf

I've been listening a lot to New life, as a motivation sort of thing (ignore what happens right after)

They're all such losers <3 (him giggling about his bachelor pad)

The music in the third house really does make you feel like you're in a basement

The crowd (justifiably) laughing at how bad Beckett's living conditions are 😭

Love the Irish melodies so much

Every time Beckett is going crazy I get flashbacks to Little God (love you J D Mollison)

Love always leaves you is probably my favourite song atm

God the visitor just shatters my heart

CLOCHÁN TIME CLOCHÁN TIME

Susan and Backett doing the same gesture for tracing the tumour that ended up in me!

Godddd wolf dance!!!!!! Susan and Sadie dancing with him (Sadie running to hug him-), but Beckett hiding

I am so so normal about this musical.

"Three little pigs isn't about architecture you know"

Respect your demons. Respect your wolf. And call your sister. The three main lessons you need tbh

Ahhhh them blowing down the brick house from inside!!!!

Just noticed that Sadie has pigtails

I read on Genius that in later versions Beckett didn't put down his grandma's crystal on the table with the rest of the stuff and the implications of that are driving me crazy

Dave Malloy really knows how to finish off a musical in a way that leaves you satisfied and with hope and love for the world

He really delivered, it is so so good and I won't shut up about it for a while

[bisluthq]

Favourite tracks from TTPD and TTPDTA? If any?

I mean I really like most of the individual tracks actually, I just don't necessarily relate to them, which is why it's not my favourite (not that I relate to every song on evermore but a lot have such fun storylines that idk that I care but here like this is about emotions I just haven't personally really felt???) But idk I really like Fortnight, I really like TTPD itself actually (also like idk that I've felt that but fwiw that one dude DID leave an actual typewriter in my apartment so I guess that did happen to me but I was just not really broken up over it and more irritated about him needing to store his shit at my house lol but that's not a very poetic incident overall), I really like GAS (even though I'm not sure that's happened to me right like idk that I've masturbated to someone else lol but I do feel like I've liked other people while with someone else), I really like BDILH (although that sure as shit has not happened to me). I think the ones I relate to most are SLL (except all my exes move to London lmao, I don't have to leave London for them like that's where they all go - fucking bizarre actually to have so many of them move there but makes the song kinda more relatable lol), I love IHIH because I've soooo felt that way like "man, this fucking SUCKS BALLS, why am I doing this again?" with both romantic things and even friendships like this whole thing with 'Susan' that I've been talking about is kind of an IHIH situation. Down Bad not necessarily like the emotion but just the bit about "I'm down bad crying at the gym, everything comes out teenage petulance, fuck it if I can't have him" - I've had that with hers and hims alike lol where I'm just so frustrated that I can't like make them like me back as much as I like them. I also get into moods where I really relate to MBOBHFT because idk I think sometimes we all feel that way right like why do you appear to care so much but hurt me so much ykwim? Oh, I like The Black Dog like lyrically and just as a concept right. I also really like COSOSOM and I do feel as though I've felt that way too like that idea of the hologram of a past lover in your apartment and you know they're with some other person now and maybe that's for the best but you still feel like life sorta played you. I like imgonnagetyouback but I like Olivia R's version of that concept better lol. So look, I think I like the album as a whole and also the tracks on it? It's not that I have a problem with it. I think maybe some of the songs are just so specific to what happened to her (fair) that even though the emotions are still relatable it's kinda like... okay Taylor, I get it, Matty Healy fucked you over dude like I understand this is what happened to you, now can we move on to a new topic? But then I also feel like the songs not about that whole situation - so like The Albatross and Clara Bow and The Prophecy and the Travis songs and Cassandra are just not her strongest work. So the Matty/love triangle songs are the "better" songs but also not necessarily suuuuper relatable to me if that makes sense idk? I have complex feelings about this album.

[morganwrites12672]

Max Mayfield x Hendersom!Reader

Max Mayfield x Henderson!Reader

Summary; Max is dating Dustin's Older sister. It feels wrong, Dustin would be mad. Is it right? Y/N is a Senior. But she's just a freshman...But it was love. Something Max had never felt with Lucas.

"Im being serious. Most of the party has said they liked you," Max says as you both walk hand in hand to scoops ahoy.

You giggle, "What do you think they will do when they find out you got me?" Max laughs in response. You both walk up to the counter and ring the bell.

A girl with dirty blonde hair hair pops up from behind a window, "Harrington, your children are here,"

You hear Steve groan as he comes out front. He frowns like he was expecting someone else before smiling.

"Ahoy ladies," he says with sarcasm as you both giggle, "I assume you two are still secret?" He asks and max blushes.

"How the hell did you know?" You ask. Neither one of you had told anyone. At all. And you didn't plan on it. Liking the same gender in Hawkins, '80s.. was dangerous.

Steve puts his hands on his hips and sighs, "I'm not blind. You two," he points in between the two of you, "Have a vibe that says 'look at my girlfriend' and it's visible from the damn moon," you groan as Steve smiles.

"Girlfriend?" A voice from behind asks. Dustin was back from summer camp. You were completely fucked.

"Fuck you Harrington, " you say and look at dustin. You give him a small smile. And hold on your hand that is intertwined with maxs.

"Hold on, most of the other guys in the party think my older, did I mention older, sister is hot. And max, the only girl in the party, okay el, but still? How?" Your brother blurts.

"I'm gay Dustin," you say like it was obvious. His mouth hits the floor. He looks at you, and then max.

"That's why you don't watch the basketball practice," he says and then Dustin and Steve go into their stupid ritual greeting.

"And three years isn't much," Max says as a comfort. It wasn't, right? Your parents had at least a five year age gap. Susan was a lot younger then Neil.

"It's not, but it seems weird now," you say and walk away from the ice cream parlor with her. It would be weird when you would be in college and max would be a sophomore.

"I mean, you won't leave me for college girls?" Max asks. She was worried. You were about to turn 17, she was only 14. The fact that you had skipped a grade didn't help. You would be 18 in college, and she would be a sophomore.

"Max, no way in hell. I love you," you say. She must be worried. You wouldn't leave her for stupid college girls I'm a hundred years.

"Good, I love you to," she pauses like she wants to say something but won't, "You aren't worried about being in college and I will still have a while left in highschool?" She asks.

"Max, I'm not going to college for another year." You press a kiss to her lips and she smiles. She presses another kiss to your lips and you both keep walking.

It was pure heaven. You were dating the love of your life. Max, and she was happy. The only things you needed in life.

[gwaciechang]

Ocean Waves- Harringroveson Bingo 2022

Square: Knifeplay for @harringroveson-bingo

Rating: M

Ship(s): Eddie Munson/Billy Hargrove, past Billy Hargrove/original female character of color

Summary: Billy loses his temper at the best thing in his life, and tries to make it up the best way he knows how, by letting Eddie mark him as his. It doesn't go the way either of them expect. This fills the Knifeplay square of my bingo card.

Warnings: knifeplay (duh), dubcon (past and present, Billy doesn't like what's happening but thinks he has to agree to it or his partner will leave him), drug use (Billy goes to Eddie for painkillers when his father confiscates his), pretense during sex (Billy's previous partner lies to him about how she's marking his skin). If you think this needs any other warnings, please let me know. You can read this on AO3 here or below the cut.

Eddie was out of all of his painkillers, and today of all days. Neil had moved the painkillers the doctor prescribed him again, his physical therapist was out with a cold and the new guy didn't know what he was doing, and construction on the road meant Billy had to take a different--and bumpier--ride back to his house. He needs something, anything, to take the edge off the pain, and so he had gone to Eddie.

But Eddie had been out. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. Hell, Billy would've probably have felt better from just having his boyfriend hold him for a little while, but then Eddie had to go and offer him children's aspirin, like he was some sort of baby, like he felt pity for the fallen king of Hawkins High, and something in Billy had snapped. He'd lost so much in the "fire" at Starcourt, and while he knew he'd been lucky that his life wasn't one of them, he didn't want Eddie's respect to be one of them. So he had slapped the pills out of Eddie's hand, sneered, and told him that if this was all he had to offer, Billy didn't see why he shouldn't go to a flower garden to get what he wanted.

They used to call each other every night. For the last three weeks, it had been radio silence. He should've just sucked it up, taken the pain quietly, and left Eddie alone. This was all his fault. He runs a hand through his hair and lets it fall against the single patch of undamaged skin at his hip.

Well, not entirely undamaged.

He doesn't remember exactly what led up to his decision to buy a the smallest knife Mrs. Byers sold at her store, hand it to Rose, and tell her to carve her name on his hip. It probably had something to do with Neil making him cancel several dates in a row, and making her feel neglected. Whatever the reason, he remembers that it had mollified her to see her claim so obvious on his skin, enough that she was still driving him home from his appointments long after they had broken up. She'd put it a bit further back than he would've liked, to the point where he couldn't even see it in the mirror, but it ended up being a blessing, because it meant Eddie couldn't see it either if they fucked face to face, and honestly, it had hurt a lot less than he expected.

He hadn't felt like rotting hamburger meat back then. He has no doubts that it'll hurt more now, but it can't hurt worse than the gnawing emptiness that Eddie used to occupy. So he gets up, goes to the kitchen, and selects a knife he's never seen Susan use.

Rose raises an eyebrow when he walks out holding the knife. "I don't do that anymore," she says, opening his side of the door anyway.

"It's not for you," he grumbles. "You made that clear enough," he reaches forward and plucks a piece of green pompom ribbon out of her hair before he gets in the car.

"Did you two at least work out a safeword?" Rose asks when she gets in.

Billy rolls his eyes. "I don't need a safeword."

"Everybody needs a safeword."

"We didn't have a safeword."

Rose's knuckles are white on the steering wheel. "We should've had one. I shouldn't have let you use me as a tool to hurt yourself with."

Billy swallows the poisonous reply on his tongue in favor of, "You're right, and I'm sorry I treated you like one."

Rose's forehead thumps against the steering wheel, but only once, because she's a conscientious driver, always aware of what it would look like if the town's one Asian girl got into a car accident. "That's not what I meant," she says finally. "But you never did hear it when I said it. I hope you'll hear it from him," and then she's pulling up to Eddie's trailer, and that's that.

She leaves before he can chicken out, and then his options are to knock on the door or walk all the way back to his house. It's not really a question, because he owes Eddie Munson his pound of flesh, and he's here to deliver. He knocks.

Eddie's face hardens when he sees him, and Billy instinctively tries not to show how badly that hurt. Then he remembers that tonight is all about letting Eddie so how hurt he is. The idea makes him tense. It would make him sweat, too, if he were still capable of that over most of his chest. He takes a deep breath to prepare himself to relax, and when he opens his eyes again to meet Eddie's, they're alarmed.

Quickly, before he can lose his nerve, Billy holds out the knife.

Eddie doesn't take it, doesn't even look at it, just keeps staring at Billy with those stupid chocolate button eyes. God, he's going to make Billy say it, isn't he?

"There's nothing going on between me and Rose, and I want to prove it," he holds the knife out further. "I want you to, uh put your name on me, or whatever you want."

Eddie takes the knife then, but loosely, between two fingers. "Where?" he asks like he's asking how much sugar Billy wants in his lemonade.

"Wherever. Wherever you think will let everyone know that I'm yours, only yours. You," his voice falters. "You should know that, too," he mutters to the ground.

Eddie stares at him for a long time before he finally opens the door the rest of the way for Billy to walk inside.

The second he does, warmth covers him like a favorite blanket out of the dryer. Tension bleeds out of him the closer he gets to Eddie's room, until he collapses, completely boneless, on his stomach on Eddie's bed, because this is where he's meant to be. He belongs to Eddie, who will stake his claim tonight, a much bigger claim than Rose or Karen or any of the people he fucked to have a soft place to sleep that night ever could. Eddie will have the firm hand needed to show Billy his place.

He can't help but flinch when something cold hits his back, but it's just a faint breeze as Eddie pulls his shirt up to expose Billy's back. Billy curls his hands into fists as the knife trails down his back, just enough for him to feel, but not enough for the feeling to be pain.

Billy closes his eyes, and it's worse this way. Every time Eddie's hand stops to trace a mark, Billy braces himself. It makes the raw muscles in his chest scream. But Eddie knows, now, what Billy will let him do. He has to know, he has to know what it means when Billy bares his back like this after giving him a knife.

But baring his back means Eddie can see Rose's name, and Billy feels a burst of cold that has nothing to do with his exposed skin.

"You can carve it out, if you want," he lifts his head so his words aren't muffled by the pillow. He could probably gift it to her on his last day of physical therapy, proof that she doesn't have to care about him anymore.

"Carve what out?"

"The name."

"What name? There's just all these white spots that look like belt buckles, and this mark, I think it's ocean waves, by your hip."

You never did hear it when I said it.

"It's sort of cute, actually, but it's fading. Do you mind if I trace over it, instead of putting my name?"

Billy must answer in the affirmative, because the next thing he knows, there's a burning line on the back of his hip. It hurts more than he remembers, but it's over in a second, and Eddie leans down to kiss the mark he made. His lips burn hotter than the cuts, hotter than the alcohol he dabs over it.

"I like this better," Eddie declares, getting a fresh cotton ball, "branding you with ownership of your own happiness."

I hope you'll hear it from him.

"Draw flames next to it," Billy says before he realizes he's speaking.

Eddie frowns. "I'm not sure I have the skills to do that. Besides, why would-"

Billy sits up to look at him, and whatever expression is on his teary face makes Eddie shut up. "You're my happiness too."

Eddie sputters, looking between Billy and the knife. "Well," he says with more flippancy than his trembling fingers show, "maybe I will, but not with this," and he presses the handle of the knife back into Billy's hand. "Rick will probably let me borrow his tattoo gun if I ask really nicely, and buy some dilaudid off him."

Billy flushes. "You really don't have to-"

"I really do. I have to take care of my happiness, right?"

"Fuck," Billy leans forward into Eddie's chest, this time daring to take his arms with his hands and wrap them around his shoulders. "Then hold me, it'll be enough, do you hear me?"

Eddie's chuckle rumbles from his chest into Billy's. "I hear you."

[mermaidsirennikita]

How do you feel about third act breakups? And do you have any favorites books with them to recommend?

When done well, I love 'em. Personally, I don't read a romance because I want to read about people just falling in love and fuckin' around without any conflict. I want to read about people having to fight for their love. Sometimes, that means splitting for a minute.

I think the reason why people don't love third act breakups right now, if I'm being super blunt, is that a lot of people have a very limited reading range wherein they only read a narrow selection of books. And a lot of those books? Don't do it well. I do think it's more challenging for low stakes books, which a lot of contemporary romcoms inherently are, to pull off the third-act breakup. Doesn't mean it's impossible! But it can be difficult, because I think that we often identify more with the characters in those settings and can go "... really?"

I also think that there are authors who do them just to do them, and you do need a good REASON for the characters to break up. I don't think it always needs to be because of the internal failings of the characters. I think it can be for external reasons, too. But I personally find a good third-act breakup super satisfying, because I love the angst and I love the reunion.

Some books that have done third-act breakups I love:

Give Me More by Sara Cate. This is MMF, so it's really one party breaking up with the other two while they stay together. And I felt like this made sense, because the one who did the breaking up knew he had a lot of work to do. The other two didn't want him to leave, but he NEEDED to, and I feel like...if they hadn't broken up, it would've felt kind of ludicrous for them to just move on. I also like the third act breakup in Praise. Tbh, Sara Cate can be hit or miss for me and I do think that some third act breakups she'd done are meh, but those really worked for me.

New Camelot by Sierra Simone. Another MMF, and this breakup is one where the throuple get together at the end of book 1, breaks up at the end of book 2, and really spends a lot of time with one part of the trio very separate. And again, I think this was necessary. These three had such an angsty relationship, and the party that splits off was SO full of self-loathing and resentment, and it truly served the overarching plot of the story. If he had not left, it would've been like... okay, so he has ZERO sense of will, ZERO independence, and a SUPERHUMAN level of tolerance for some really negative emotions. Also, it was consistent with his history.

The Duke Gets Even by Joanna Shupe. I loooove this one. She was being consistent with her emotional issues she'd had since the start of the book; he wasn't being a doormat. It worked for both of them, and it worked for the plot. The Bride Goes Rogue also has an excellent third act breakup, because it's like--if she had not dumped his ass, she would've had zero self respect. He needed to be dumped.

Kiss an Angel by Susan Elizabeth Phillips has one of my favorite variations, which is "she just fucks off and doesn't tell him where she's going and he freaks the fuck out". And again, HE NEEDED TO BE DUMPED. IT WAS A THING THAT NEEDED TO HAPPEN. HE FUCKED UP.

Priest by Sierra Simone. A lot of people hate this third act breakup. I ask "literally how the fuck do you expect a book about a truly devout Catholic priest who struggles with his spirituality and his place in life and the Church falling in love with a woman and breaking his vows to NOT have a third act breakup", it made sense to me that she needed something that she wasn't getting from him and he frankly needed a minute to figure himself out.

Lothaire by Kresley Cole. One of the greatest TABs of all time. She literally almost kills him and then he spends several weeks bitching and moaning all by himself and smelling her panties and trying to kiss other women and not even being able to stomach it because SHE HAS RUINED HIM.

Hyacinth by S.M. LaViolette. I loved this one, because it made sense that Hyacinth, a neurodivergent character whose abuse has convinced her that she's incapable of love, would struggle to communicate her intentions to her hero, and he would get mad at that, and she wouldn't be able to deal and would fuck off. And then it means he can go find her again and grovel and learn how to make her comfortable by talking to people who love her!

The Earl Takes All by Lorraine Heath. Literally necessary to the plot that they break up for a minute! And the angst is DELICIOUS.

Mafia Madman by Mila Finelli. He needed to be broken up with, she needed to be away from him to affirm that she actually wanted to be with him. Also? Another one where he gets to sit there and be MISERABLE for a min.

A LOT of my favorite books have TABs, and I think that they can be deeply necessary to ensure that the book isn't just... boring.

[projectjasper]

Heyo!

I just had the biggest thought...

What if the bad buddy all along is Wai? I mean, it's in the title!! /jk

Okidokie, I have calmed a slight bit, and I have some thoughts.

Firstly, we are in the beginning of the six episode cycle again. Cause if you think about it, the very first episode had to set up a whole bunch of subtle things that seemed very here there and a little everywhere, and then went through the pacings of the next 5 eps until we reached the cognitive conclusion of Pat and Pran at the same level. Kinda like weaving the first row on a loom, gotta pickup all the strands until we have a complete picture. Hence why also, the credits of ep 6 ended on the bet, then we had the extra scene. So now, we have the same two characters pushing forward, without it feeling too much like a separate storyline.

Second. Inkpa. Yes. All the yes.

I have seen two different complaints about this episode, and I think I can at least explain them. Number one, that the two friend groups are no longer clawing at each other's throats. Considering that they are now sophmore/second years at university, and that they managed to complete the bus stop together, I am honestly glad that they have at least put the grudge on the back burner. I mean, it's most likely going to come back swinging, but for them all to display at least the maturity of growing and understanding that solving problems with fists very rarely wok out unless you are star-crossed destined rivals.

Number two. There was four, I repeat, FOUR product placements in this episode. Which by Thai standards is a lot in one. Granted , each one was at least intergrated into the storyline (Or placed upon a body wink wonk) rather well, but still. I reckon they are trying to at least get them done so that we don't have many in the episodes that are oncoming. We didn't have one really in the 5th ep (unless you count the pancake cafe or the condensed milk tube) and we know why. I don't think the further episodes which will deal with some stuff will have them in as much. I personally know that I don't exactly want to be sold a printer or the oishi drink while sobbing up a storm. (Maybe the nivea...maybe) The only one I could think that would fit would be the car, or Yamaha bike....which got me thinking...

What if they actually do a runner near the end of the show? They got to the beach or like an area with large rocks, then there is the scene where Pran's mum is all huffy in the Pat household lounge room, and the scene where they are both outside each other's houses, smiling at each other. Picture this if you will, something has happened to let the family's know they are together, and Pran just begs Pat to take him away. They drive, maybe out to the eco village or to somewhere else and spend the day with each other, fully believing that this is their last peace before facing what they have to, and then they decide to go home and face it, together? my heART!

Also also, people are saying that Pran's parents are gonna come to the play and see them acting opposite each other too. 1) Play's probably gonna be over in like one or two episodes cause P'Aof ain't stretching out any shit over here, I don't think it's endgame material and 2) Neither family came to the Freshy contest, so I don't know if parents are gonna come to the play.

But out of every theory and prediction I thrown out there, like 2 were true. So *puts on red nose* what the heck do I know.

And to sum up characters: Pat is Thai Troy Bolton (best one), Pran may have a breakdown, Paa is a useless lesbian (affectionate), Ink is my lord and saviour, I rescend any theory on Wai right now he is but cardboard, I am still the student turning the tiny lazy-susan.

....*clown car honk*

Reliable Anon

heyyy, my loveliest reliable anon!! this is actually so fucking funny, because i was recently telling my friend that the series i'm obsessed with is called "bad buddy" and he was like "let me guess - it's about a bad buddy?" and i was like "you know what, actually no - neither of them are bad or bad buddies", but now i'm going to have to go back and tell him he was right (ugh) lkjglkdfjglkfdg

you are absolutely correct about the six-episode reset, we are definitely on a different plane of bb's existence now.

i do think that it makes sense for the friend groups not to fight as much, especially because i am pretty sure pat and pran would have had quite a few conversations with them during these months we've skipped, now that they have even more reasons to make sure their friends aren't constantly at each other's throats.

i agree that there has been just SO much product placement this episode - i think you're right though, the contracts are likely for a specific number of appearances throughout the drama's run, and they are trying to get them over with now, so we wouldn't be distracted by them during the more serious and angsty arc.

i really like the idea of them running away to be together one last time or something like that, but then deciding to fight for their love and just stick to each other no matter what. as usual - your words to p'aof's ears, dear.

i think your point about the play is good, but i was actually thinking of it being more along the lines of a parallel to the high school event. pran's parents weren't supposed to be there either - they just found out he was with pat, and showed up furious about it. that's what i think might happen here as well - they find out pran is working on a play pat is starring in, and it's high school all over again. i also think that the parents arc might start earlier than we think, so those two things go hand in hand. that's just a possibility though, of course - you could totally be right.

i also completely agree with and adore your summing up of the characters - as usual, you are correct.

[terrainofheartfelt]

"It's been more like a 'Choose Your Own Adventure'!" A Rufly Playlist

Finally, a use for my Dad(™) music taste! I threw in a few live recordings/rough sessions because that’s rock and roll, babey. YouTube link here

image sources: (x) (x) (x)

American Girl - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

If you think this isn’t a rufly song, then idk what to tell you.

And for one desperate moment there / He crept back in her memory / God, it's so painful when something that is so close / Is still so far out of reach

Light My Fire - The Doors

Making this playlist was fun because I got to imagine a lot of precanon Rufus/Lily, and how they came to be. And like, I can see Rufus covering a LOT of these, yk?

The time to hesitate is through / No time to wallow in the mire

Funny Feelin’ - Langhorne Slim

I can also see Rufus actually writing some of these. Like this one!

Well, I got my eye on you, baby / And I know I ain't the only one / But if you just say maybe / My lonely days would be done

Superstar - tswift

If you don’t project onto at least one tswift song can you even call it a ship playlist?

And I knew from the first note played / I'd be breaking all my rules to see you / You smile that beautiful smile and all the girls in the front row / Scream your name

Lay, Lady, Lay - Bob Dylan

Tour life vibes

His clothes are dirty but his, his hands are clean / And you’re the best thing that he’s ever seen

Fire - Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band

Your kisses they burn / But your heart stays cool

Fooled Around and Fell in Love - as performed by Morgan James

Because Lily Rhodes really did fuck around and find out.

Free, on my own is the way I used to be / Ah, but since I met you baby, love's got a hold on me

Don’t Let Me Down - The Beatles

Nothing says Lily & Rufus like a Beatles deep cut.

I'm in love for the first time / Don't you know it's gonna last

Shadows of the Night - Pat Benatar

80s rock vibes, babe!

You can cry tough baby, it's all right / You can let me down easy, but not tonight

She - as performed by She & Him

She may be the love that cannot hope to last / May come to me from shadows of the past

Can’t Buy Me Love - The Beatles

Tell me that you want the kind of things / That money just can't buy / I don't care too much for money / Money can't buy me love

Second Hand News - Fleetwood Mac

It’s breakup chapter time, y’all

I know there's nothing to say / Someone has taken my place

Hungry Heart - Bruce Springsteen

I met her in a Kingstown bar / We fell in love I knew it had to end / We took what we had and we ripped it apart / Now here I am down in Kingstown again

Piece of My Heart - as performed by Big Brother and the Holding Company

Have another little piece of my heart now, baby / Well, you know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good

Love Really Hurts Without You - Billy Ocean

In my head, this is the “Lily and her cavalcade of failed relationships post-Rufus” montage song

You walk like a dream and you make like you're queen of the action

Halls - Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness

This is the “Rufus touring post-Lily” montage song

Thought a broken heart could write a perfect song / And it did and I was right so now you're gone

Mulholland Drive - The Gaslight Anthem

Okay so we all know about the Dair & Rufly parallels, and this song nearly ended up on that playlist, but the vibe didn’t quite fit. And I think, in my heart of hearts, that this song (though probs more punk than Lincoln Hawk sounds) reads like Rufus could have written it. And there are lines that are so evocative of both Dair & Rufly like I still remember holding you, just out of sight of her - like! That’s Valentine’s day 2012 amirite??? And: But it scared you, love, to need someone, so you killed it all instead. And the imagery of Mulholland Drive with Lily being from LA...Anyways this song is one of my all time favorites.

Would you miss me if I was gone and all the simple things were lost? / Would you ever wait on me to say / Oh that I’d just die if you ever took your love away

Malibu 1922 - COIN

You're some old man's new trophy / Locked up in some house in New Jersey / Now money's not a problem / But 20 years it seems you've forgotten

How’s the World Treating You - Elvis Presley

Pilot Rufly vibes, but sad!

Every sweet thing that mattered / Has been broken in two / And I'm asking you, darling / How's the world treating you?

Even Cowgirls Get the Blues - The Gaslight Anthem

Pilot Rufly vibes, but sexy!

Can I get a witness, pretty baby? / I still love Tom Petty songs and drivin' old men crazy

It Ain’t Me Babe - Bob Dylan

“You made a choice to be Lily Bass, and we both need you to go do that.”

Go lightly from the ledge, babe / Go lightly on the ground / I’m not the one you want, babe / I will only let you down

Harvest Moon - Neil Young

It’s about the lovers to strangers to hostile acquaintances to friends to lovers again.

When we were strangers / I watched you from afar / When we were lovers / I loved you with all my heart

Home From Home - Roo Panes

“Well, it’s Thanksgiving, and I couldn’t think of another place that felt more like home.”

Because I'm starting to realise the question worth asking is, who? / I'm starting to realize the question worth answering is you

You Got Lucky - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

I mean. I mean they do fight a lot.

If you don't feel complete / If I don't take you all the way / Then go

Are We Free? - Mick Flannery and Susan O’Neill

I like how this whole song is a dialogue, but always comes together at the chorus

Are we free to understand / or bound to repeat again / all the wars of before?

The Bones feat. Hozier - Maren Morris

“The king and queen of reconciliation” - Dan Humphrey

No, it won't always go the way we planned it / But the wolves came and went and we're still standing

Songbird - Fleetwood Mac

They didn’t break up, what are you talking about?

And I love you, I love you, I love you / Like never before

Beginning to Feel the Years - Brandi Carlile

And I'm beginning to feel the years / But I'm going to be okay / As long as you're beside me--along the way

Call on Me - Big Brother and the Holding Company

Baby, when you're down and feel so blue / Well, no, you won't drown, honey, I'll be there too

Lily - Benjamin Gibbard

It was too perfect. I had no choice.

Lily is a big brass band who fills the air with song / Lily is a destination and she's where my arms belong

Hard Feelings - Brian Fallon

And the time used to stop in her hands / I could feel it go hesitant / When it rained in Manhattan / We took shelter in the spare room at the Grand

[swordofpevensie]

As I've seen it again, here are my favorite things about Prince Caspian (2008):

warnings: It is a very long post and I can't help but swear sometimes.

• How Caspian is confused all the time.

• Prefossor: “Don't use that until you really need to use it.”

Caspian: *Uses it the first time he is in danger.* Good job boy, good job.

• “Phyllis.” “SUSAN!” (Lucy does the same thing in tvodt *emotional voices*)

• That disappinted look in Susan's eyes when she sees Peter fighting, and they way she doesn't do anything to help him. Like girl they are beating your brother??

• Edmund comes and saves Peter by simply jumping on everyone who is trying to hurt Peter. We love a clever and quick boi™

• Lucy's little comfort to Peter. *sniffing*

• Peter's iconic hair, that rebel and sassy hair.

• “I'm not touching you!” “I'M NOT HOLDING YOUR HAND!”

• How happy they are at the beach and the way they finally can have pure fun. *more sniffing*

• Narnia is so beautiful in summer and Pevensies look so beautiful too.

• And for my own please, I'll mention how beautiful Peter looks when he is playing in the sea and walking among the ruins.

• The way Lucy holds Peter's hand to show him the way and THE TORCH SCENE GETS ME EVERYTIME.

• Everyone is like where the hell are we and Lucy is just enjoying her apple.

• And again for my own pleasure, I'll mention how beautiful Susan looks.

• “wHiCh cHeSs sEt?” “whOt?” We love a one confused king.

• That shot when they all stand in their places in the ruins and Peter says “Cair Paravel.” I'm like YES SIR I'M READY TO SACRIFICE MY WHOLE LIFE FOR YOU.

• I'm lowkey attracted to General Glozelle. (shameful sniffing)

• I like it that Edmund is the first one to figure out what might have happened to Cair Paravel. And our confused king is again like “whOt?”

• C'mon Peter is very committed to make a torch and it is SO CUTE. And Edmund watching him is so funny, he is like ‘I'm about to end this man's whole career.’

• I'll not tell my thoughts on the time Peter takes his sword. I'm trying to be a good. *choughs*

• Boom! “Drop him!” YOUR QUEEN IS BACK YOU IDIOTS! OOOH HOW I LOVE SUSAN.

• Peter jumping to the water and Lucy using his dagger to cut the ropes.

• “High King Peter, the Magnificent.” I mean if I were magnificent just like him, I'd tell it loud very frequently too.

• Edmund using sword... 10/10 His final pose 20/10. *chefs kiss and sniffing*

• “Or do I have to sit on your head again?” Narnians and humor? Count me in!

• Caspian's accent... YES SIR.

• “I'm Prince Caspian... The tenth.” and “High King Peter, The Magnificent.” are cousins and you can't tell me otherwise.

• “Running away.” Oh just come into my arms you sad and broken boi. *too many sniffings*

• Proffesor inside: Eheheh they are back. You are a dead man now Miraz.

• That underwater shot... 10/10. Peter paddling... 10/10. All of them sitting in silent, sadly... Okay this one hurts A LOT.

• “We didn't mean to leave you know.” *no more sniffing i'm crying*

• Lucy greeting and trusting in a bear is me vs. life. Susan saying a bear to stay away from Lucy is me vs. life again.

• Peter helping Lucy to stand up and her hugging Peter for comfort.

• And that bear scene is very clever to me. It shows that those bad times have an effect on everyone. How even Narnians, kind, gentle, happy Narnians turned into wild creatures because of bad times. Also Susan not killing the bear immediately shows how gentle she is and she always gives a chance.

• “I can hear you.” We love a done™ prince. And him asking questions about Narnia is so cute!

• That zoom to Caspian's face is kiLLING ME.

• AND REEPICHEEP I'd kill and die for him unless he kills and dies for me first.

• CENTAURS ARE BACK!!! Oh I love them so much.

• “You can't carry a map in your heads.” “That's because we have something in them.” LUCY DIDN'T STUTTER.

• “i'M nOt lOst.” My baby tries so hard I love him bye.

• “OH SHUT UP!” is one of my favorite Peter lines. Also he is very sassy and why is no one talking about it?? (I'll talk about it later btw, eheh)

• IF SOMEONE BELIEVED AND LISTENED TO LUCY THE FIRST TIME SHE SPEAKS, THINGS WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER AND EASIER FOR ASLAN'S SAKE.

• And Edmund supporting Lucy? We love a supportive and cute brother.

• Caspian is so brave and the speech he gives... *CHEFS KISS* I mean I would fight and die for him too. And when Narnians believe in him, I cry even more. (++Ben Barnes' voice in that accent... Gets me every freaking time).

• The look in Peter's face when he sees the making of the bridge. He is like “Not my kingdom, you bitches!”

• The conversaion between Lucy and Susan... I hate to think their struggles, adjusting to Narnia, adjusting to England.

• Lucy telling a tree to wake up is me vs. life, again.

• The way Peter just comes and hides her out of nowhere... WE LOVE A PROTECTIVE BROTHER.

• When Caspian and Peter fights... Okay, for your safety I'll shut up but the way Peter is ready to hit him with a rock is both funny and shows how a quick and smart fighter he is.

• “PETAH!” Okay Susan, we get it honey.

• “Well if you like, we can come back in a few years.” LIKE WHY IS NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT HIS SASS??

• “You were right to fear the woods.” IS. EXCELLENT.

• Caspian and Peter walking in the front and talking casually. My heart goes *butterlifes* *looove*

• When the papa centaur rises baby centaur's sword... *a loud sniff* .

• I love that there are pictures of Pevensies and Golden Age on the walls. It makes me feel so majestic.

• Caspian: *dramatically lights fire*

• They are looking at The Stone Table and Caspian in the back is like look at the mess you made.

• When Peter and Caspian talk at the same time.

• “There is always a first time.” THAT. SASS. AND CONFIDENCE.

• “We could collect nuts!” “Yes, and throw them at Telmarines!” Reepicheep... Love you babe.

• Okay the whole castle stuff is so freaking cool until the last minutes. Like Edmund and his torch, Susan and THE WAY HE KILLS A MAN BY THROWING AN ARROW.

• But... Caspian babe, kill your bastard uncle anyways.

• And it just should be said: I love how Narnians are always ready to sacrifice themselves because freedom is much more important than their lives. They are not afraid of death as long as it means to get freedom back.

• That poor cat... I don't know what to say.

• You are attacking a castle and your baby Caspian just casually knocks the window.

• Professor doing his best to help Caspian escape and then seeing him back in the castle again... I mean a disappointment level I can relate.

• I wish I could be woken up at night by Caspian, with a sword on my throat? Depends on my mood.

• Miraz being so done is a mood.

• They all are in Miraz's bedroom like:

• Edmund literally headbutts a man wearing a metal helmet. I am speechless.

• You don't have sword? Don't worry you have a torch... just don't break it.

• Reepicheep and his friends pushing that thing makes me cry and scream.

• “Who exactly are you doing this for Peter?” THE LOOK ON PETER'S FACE.

• When Peter screams “FOR NARNIA!”

• My Queen Susan throwing an arrow to man and killing him despite his armour. I. LOVE. ONE. POWERFUL. QUEEN.

• Sometimes I wish I was an minatour.

• Edmund kicking that dude's head by sliding. A simple and powerful move.

• OKAY SO MIRAZ PUSHING THIS MINATOUR IS VERY PERSONAL TO ME. AND I AM VERY PISSED OF.

• And that minatour holding the door. I love you, you strong and scary baby. And I always will.

• When Edmund casually jumps back, I hear Blow Your Mind by Dua Lipa playing.

• That moment when other Narnians are trapped inside and Peter and Susan watch them... MY BABY PETER HAVE HAD ENOUGH PLEASE LET HIM REST. And Edmund seeing the dead bodies...

• That agressive “HEY!” from Caspian and the way Peter and him just scream at each other, idk what to say but it is sort of funny.

• When mama centaur cries, you know I'm dead on the floor.

• King Miraz getting on his throne... Sassy and majestic af. He is a psycho but you know he has taste.

• “What do you want? Congratulations?” Okay Caspian put that sarcasm down babe.

• When my mom watched the scene where The White Witch sort of comes back for the first time, she was like “Not that bitch witch again.”

• The way Peter pushes Caspian is skcjskfsj MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY

• And Edmund killing the wolfish thing is so cool, he is a very talented warrior. Also him stabbing Jadis, he gives like zero fucks.

• And when the ice is broken, they see Aslan on the wall and it is such a strong scene!!

• Can someone please explain me why Miraz and his men wear those freaking helmets?

• “And she won't be alone.” WE. LOVE. ONE. SUPPORTIVE. AND PROTECTIVE. SISTER.

• No, Caspian you may not, no matter how hot you say Miraz.

• Edmund in Miraz's place... Just perfect. That sass, that confidence, that intelligence. THAT look on his face.

• “Your brother's sword is sharper than his pen.” It is an adage in Turkish btw: “A pen is sharper than a sword.”

• “Or hooves.” Lucy, was that joke really necessary honey?

• THE LOVE OF MY LOVE AND MY ONE TRUE LOVE PETER SAYING “WELL, FEEL FREE.” AND “JUST. ONE.” WITH A BRAVE LOOK ON HIS FACE IS THE CAUSE OF MY DEATH.

• Queen Susan standing on her own, holding her bow to hunt men... YES. QUEEN.

• Proud brother™ Edmund.

• The way Peter snarls at Miraz. I mean I WOULD SURRENDER TO HIM.

• AND MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION FOR PRAISING WILLIAM'S ACTING? He fights amazing and his expressions are both beautiful and real. He makes you feel what Peter feels. I just love the way he portrays Peter.

• “Keep smiling.” King Edmund just knows things.

• And the way he just doesn't listen Peter and fixes his arm... 10/10

• When he hits Miraz's wound. He is a smart fighter, and I'll not even bring up how he stabs Miraz.

• “It's not mine to take.” Me inside: *MINE IS YOURS TO TAKE.*

• Caspian just stop screaming and kill this bitch for Aslan's sake.

• “Not one like you.” WITH TEARS ON HIS BEAUTIFUL BLACK EYES. I HATE HIM SOMETIMES.

• Although I hate that they have to fight again, what the Lord did was really smart, I have to admit.

• Have I told you that I hate that ball-throwing-machines?

• Queen Susan telling archers to get ready and Prince Caspian telling “Narnians, attack!” while riding his horse. ALSO WHAT THEY DID WAS SO CLEVER. PETER COUNTING WITH THAT BRAVE FACE.

• My baby Peter fighting again. And Caspian coming out of the underground. *CHEFS KISSES*

• KING EDMUND RIDING A HORSE AND ARROWING PEOPLE?? MORE CHEFS KISSES.

• Reepicheep's tiny armour OMG

• I HATE THAT BALL-THROWING-MACHINES.

• When they all run again (Not to mention Peter has to attack and fight like for like the hundredth time) THEY LOOK FREAKING GOOD AND MAJESTIC AND KING EDMUND CUTTING MEN IS PER.FECT.

• I AM IN STRONG NEED OF HUGHING AN ASLAN.

• THE TREES ARE COMING BACK HELL FREAKING YESSS!!!

• Queen Susan killing with this bows and arrow is just perfect. I love her. Like so much.

• Ooh there is shield wall? Don't worry Narnians will jump on it.

• Peter proudly saying “Lucy,” and looking at Caspian like “Hehe did you expect that?”

• And my baby yells “For Aslan!” and goes to fight. AGAIN.

• Lucy and her dagger? FREAKING DANGEROUS. RUN AWAY.

• Welcome water grandpa, you are very cute!!!

• Aslan is like hehe this is my friend. He is very proud of his friend.

• The guilt on their faces when they see Aslan is so cute.

• “All of you.” SHUT UP YOU MADE ME CRY AGAIN.

• OH AND REEPICHEEP. PLEASE I LOVE HIM SOOO MUCH. HE'S HAD ENOUGH.

• Aslan calling him “Small one.” awWWW

• “Do you see him now?” QUEEN LUCY NEVER STUTTERS.

• Okay but the way they all look perfect during the parade. Caspian's crown and Susan's dress are my favs.

• AND THAT LOOK ON SUSAN'S FACE. IT KILLS ME.

• What the hell is Caspian wearing when Telmars go back?

• There is a talking lion in front of them and Telmarines still are amazed by a turning tree.

• Peter looks so good in blue and him giving his sword to Caspian is awwww again.

• Peter and Susan are the ones who'll not come back again and they both wear blue while Lucy and Ed wears green.

• Peter shaking hands with the centaur is an another awwww.

• The kiss makes me feel weird but I'm alright with that.

• “I'm 1300 years older than you.” is CUTE TO ME.

• Peter's proud brother smile. 10/10

• The way Lucy looks back at Aslan breaks my heart.

• THE ENDING KILLS ME. DESTROYS ME. VANISHES MY EXISTENCE. THAT LION ROAR. THAT SONG. OH HOW I LOVE THIS MOVIE AND NARNIA MOVIES... I AM CRYING AGAIN.

oooh okay, thank you for sharing this emotional roller-coaster with me. i hope you enjoy it.

love, andrea.♡