#I'm feeling doubtful and invalid since I don't get this often- at all-

[independencies]

my brain just went: huh- maybe you aren't intrested in romance right now

I fucking- I never though this feeling would be mine- like- like- how??? this- this is what yall feel? Obviously not all but- this is new for me-

I think- I think I want to do something other than focus on being single- I think- I think I'm fine being single for once-

Sometimes it's frustrating being fluid- just yesterday I was all over that shit- now today it's like I've never felt it at all- like- I know I have- but my brain, in a matter of a day, has entirety forgotten what it felt like to feel that actively-

(and- obviously, like- it's more than just minimal not obsessed with or not intrested in- I'm bad with words- especially since I never even considered being aromantic, ever- only had thoughts about aceflux- but here I am-)

((also- if you've seen this elsewhere, from another account, I'm not stealing someone else's problem or whatever-, I just have two blogs- that's all))

[bobis-dead]

my brain just went: huh- maybe you aren't intrested in romance right now

I fucking- I never though this feeling would be mine- like- like- how??? this- this is what yall feel? Obviously not all but- this is new for me-

I think- I think I want to do something other than focus on being single- I think- I think I'm fine being single for once-

Sometimes it's frustrating being fluid- just yesterday I was all over that shit- now today it's like I've never felt it at all- like- I know I have- but my brain, in a matter of a day, has entirety forgotten what it felt like to feel that actively-

(and- obviously, like- it's more than just minimal not obsessed with or not intrested in- I'm bad with words- especially since I never even considered being aromantic ever- only had thoughts about aceflux- but here I am-)

[multiplicity-positivity]

Heya! I hope you're having a great day! I saw in your askbox guidelines that you're open to advice asks so I thought I'd drop by but please delete this if you're uncomfortable! I know this is a MASSIVE ask so I really will not be offended if you don't want to answer. Para in this context is meaning another character in my paracosm that I interact with instead of being. If anyone else sees this and wants to add their own opinions in the notes, please do!

I'm really struggling to figure out if I'm plural so I thought I'd get your opinion (/nf) given I've been using the resources off your blog for months LOL. I have a potential headmate who was originally a maladaptive daydreaming para. This para would be a fictive from a popular game. He follows the same archetype I've latched onto for paras since I was little & has told me he sees the other characters as similar to him when asked. I've been daydreaming since I was 4ish, he has been my para since I was 11. I'm currently 17. I'm going to bullet point real quick to stop it being an absolute wall of text! Reasons I have to believe he might be a headmate:

He often expresses different opinions to me or interest in different topics.

He seems to generally know almost all of what's going on/what has happened, but sometimes asks me to remind him or explain something (moreso for stuff several years back).

His voice sounds different in the internal monologue.

I think I've sensed him watching what I've been doing in the past & possibly felt him be triggered by stuff relating to his source.

One of the times he interacted unprompted was due to me being very negatively triggered.

He has gender dysphoria (see the bit below).

He's nothing like me identity wise. He's middle-aged and a cis guy and I'm fairly certain he has a different sexuality.

Reasons I doubt him:

He only speaks once prompted or once I think about him passively, excluding a couple of rare occasions. I very rarely hear from him unprompted at the moment unless I'm stressed.

He has never fronted fully. We might've switched once or twice in the past (though it was more co-fronting). It normally feels like the internal monologue switching to be his in the front & mine in the back. I'd say the terms non-possessive & monoconscious would be most fitting. I think us being able to switch on demand that early though feels wrong - though we can't always. Oh adding it here as it connects but not as a point against him: these 'switches' are sometimes accompanied by gender dysphoria, though I'm genderqueer anyway. His dysphoria is more for being male though (I actually realised I wasn't cis because of him abt 3 years back!).

I can talk to any fictional character I've engaged a lot with due to maladaptive daydreaming. I'm nervous I'm just daydreaming him tbh or forcing his responses bc sometimes he merges with my daydreaming and the lines blur.

I had a past episode where I thought I was a system a few years back but that was unrelated to him (though he was an 'alter' in that) and totally ungrounded in anything LOL.

As far as labels go, I think we might be median?? Perhaps OSDD but unlikely. I got a 35.7 on the dissociative experiences scale denoting OSDD but I got 21 on the MIID (though that felt heavily geared towards aggressive and/or childlike alters imo). I promise I'm not looking for a yes or no or a diagnosis or anything! Just any general opinions/pointers/advice you've got. It's good to hear the opinions of outsiders sometimes. Don't feel pressured to say yes either, I won't feel invalidated if you're like "urmm no that's definitely something else" because it very possibly is! If anyone else sees this and wants to add their own opinions in the notes, please do! This is all /nav /lh

hey, so we (and anyone else, really) can’t confirm or deny whether or not you’re plural. in the end, it’s going to be something you have to figure out or decide for yourself(ves). no one knows you better than you know yourself, after all, especially not people online.

plurality is an at-will label that anyone at all can use if they feel like it fits for them. it’s a label you can put on and take off at your own discretion as it works for you. if you feel plural, you’re welcome to call yourself plural, and you belong in the community just as you are. if you ever realize and decide that you’re not actually plural in the future, no harm done. it’s okay to question, and it’s okay to be wrong. it’s all a part of learning and growing as a person.

it is totally possible for someone with maladaptive daydreaming to consider the beings from their daydreams as headmates. in fact, paragenic as a term refers to systems whose plurality originated from madd or some other form of immersive daydreaming.

switching is not a requirement for plurality. our partner system is plural, and they do not switch at all. having imaginary friends or talking to characters in your mind doesn’t always have to be a plural experience, but it definitely could be. it all depends on your comfort level and how you and your potential headmates choose to identify. you very well could be a median system, if you feel like that label works for you.

as far as osdd goes, we will say that complex dissociative disorders (like did and osdd) do often arise from a history of repeated childhood trauma. these disorders form by helping children dissociate or disconnect from overwhelming stress or painful situations as a method of survival. it is absolutely possible to be plural or a system without a complex dissociative disorder, but it is not possible to develop a cdd without a history of repeated trauma in childhood.

if you suspect that you may have osdd, we can’t stress enough the importance of seeking outside help, preferably from a understanding, trauma-informed therapist or counselor. while we do believe it is possible and sometimes necessary for individuals to self-diagnose, healing from the complex trauma that accompanies dissociative disorders like osdd may require some form of outside guidance and/or support.

we’ll leave you with this post we have with resources for questioning systems. if you’ve been following us for a while, you’ve probably already seen it, but we’re sharing it anyway.

and of course, if anyone reads this who has advice for anon, you’re welcomed and encouraged to share :)

discovering and coming to terms with potential plurality can be a difficult, lengthy process. please don’t rush yourself on this journey, and give yourself space to breathe and process as you try to come to a conclusion about whether or not you’re a system (or a member of one). we’re always happy to help however we can if you have any more questions throughout this process and beyond. best of luck to you :)

[moptopper]

Talking about Paul's songs, do you think he made more songs for John or Linda in his career? I was discussing this with my brother, but we didn't come to a conclusion.

I'll be honest anon, I have no idea either!

For confirmed songs, Linda obviously takes the cake — there's a bunch of songs about her, from "Maybe I'm Amazed" to "She's My Baby" to "Calico Skies," and all the ones in between.

As far as John goes, I think there's only about 3 songs that are confirmed to be for him, specifically. ("Dear Friend," "Here Today," I'm giving half credit to both "Too Many People" and "Early Days" since they're both confirmed to be about John at least in part.)

Now I, like most of Beatles Tumblrdom, think that John plays a pretty big role in more songs than that. But I also think Linda shows up more than we know. It's probably easier to see John in Paul's work than Linda, because John was just so insanely famous. Linda was famous too, but I think it'd be difficult to find any people more publicly scrutinized and picked apart (and for such an extended period) than John, Paul, George, and Ringo. We also know a lot more drama about John and Paul's relationship, because they basically fell apart on the public stage. (That's some kafkaeque horror. Imagine the most devastating breakup of your life, which turns into a lawsuit from hell, and the whole world is watching you 💀) So we're ready to look for the emotional fallout from all of that in Paul's songs, in ways we might not be for his marriage, which was quite a bit more private.

I do suspect John has always been a major muse for Paul. And I mean that in an almost classical sense — I have a muse, myself, and while it's not someone I'm in love with or anything, they just spark imagination and it's hard to put my finger on exactly why. If that's the case for Paul, it makes perfect sense that John shows up in his work over and over again, and I don't think that invalidates his love for anyone else in his life, either... though it might be difficult for him to talk about lol. But unless Paul decides to get REALLY open to the public about his inner feelings, I doubt we'll ever know for sure how often John, or anyone he loves, crop up in his music!

[your-bigender-big-brother]

Hi big brother! i recently came out as a trans guy to my sister and her response was very supportive but i'm kind of scared bc i feel weird abt it. this happens every time i come out to someone who's known me a long time, i get this period of time where i think "augh what if i'm not really trans after all and ive just made a huge mistake coming out" and it usually does pass eventually but i never know how to deal with it, and theres always a part of me thats like "is this even a normal thing to feel when u come out? isnt coming out supposed to make me feel better? is the fact that its making me feel bad right now, even when im accepted, a sign that i'm not really the gender i came out as?"

i don't know what i wanted to get out of sending this ask i guess what i want to know is have you or any other trans ppl ever experienced this? i feel like i'm alone in feeling this way :S

When I first came out as "some kind of nonbinary" (which is exactly how I worded it), I definitely had that same feeling. I thought that maybe my nonbinary experience wasn't quite enough to call myself nonbinary, because I also still considered myself a man. It took me a while to settle into the label and feel valid in that choice.

Coming out isn't always what we expect it to be. Sometimes, there might be some hesitation or doubt. I think the feeling of "Maybe I'm faking it" comes from too many expectations, whether it's what we expect of ourselves or what others expect of us. When we say we're trans, it often feels like people expect us to fit the label in a very specific way or else we don't feel like we really are trans. And we can very easily fall into the idea that if other people think we're faking it, then we need to think we're faking it.

It could be that maybe you're in the very beginning stages of transitioning (if that's a goal for you) and maybe you don't feel like you're quite where you want to be on that journey, so it feels like you're coming out as someone who is still just getting started. At least, that's sort of what I felt when I first came out as trans. I thought that since I hadn't done any kind of name change or gotten on hormones, people might treat my coming out as a joke. it's especially true when we come out to people who have only ever known us one way, only to suddenly have to view us differently.

It could also be that you need to give it time to settle in and for people to start making changes in how they view you - a new name, new pronouns, different gendered terminology, or whatever else you would prefer to change. You only just came out, so people haven't had the time to refer to you in any new way.

Either way, doubting is normal. Feeling unsure or invalid is normal. These things always take time and I'm sure with time, you'll start to feel that relief you were looking for. - 💙💚

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw for pretty general abuse talk , gaslighting , self doubt (if I missed any tws I'm sorry in advance)

So, between the ages of 5-15, my mom was considerably abusive towards me in a number of ways, because of her own trauma and untreated mental illness. On top of that she was very absent from my life during everything else I went through, and was often the reason that other abusers would be let into my life.

For the past 2 years or so, I've been working on acknowledging this abuse, due to years and years of my family's gaslighting and belittling my feelings about it all. In August, I moved back in with my mom after a year and a half living with my dad and stepmom, due to her healing enough to see me as an equal, and the fact I became aware of my stepmom's abusive behavior and couldn't handle it anymore. Life has been better than ever for me since I moved back.

She's supportive, and way way way less overbearing and intense. Many members of my system have been able to kindle a relationship with her much like a mother and child SHOULD have, and it started getting really fucking hard to conceptualize that it ever wasn't this way. It's almost like my brain was just waiting for her to be stable enough to latch entirely onto the good, and bury the bad deep down within other alters. I don't know if this is a result of the gaslighting, but even all the processing I had done at my dad's feels non-existent, let alone the trauma itself I had been trying to process. Everything has just been fine forever, suddenly. Which would be great, if I wasnt still having cptsd symptoms, and wasn't still dealing with the disproportionately strong emotions of my alters. I'm just always stuck invalidating my own pain, due to our now relationship, and can't seem to find it in me to say she's an abusive person or would ever do that stuff to me. I'm always normalizing it so it doesn't feel like trauma anymore, too

I just can't seem to find a middle ground, where I'm able to listen to my alters when they say my mom in the past was abusive, and at the same time continue to forgive my mom in the present. I don't know if this is something I can do anything about without therapy, but it's immensely hindering any progress I'm making within my own system and with my (not specialized) therapist, so if you have any advice or just, consolation of normalcy, that would be great

- The Horizon

Hi The Horizon,

I'm sorry about what y'all have been through.

It can be hard to reconcile how to feel about our abusers, especially when they're someone we love or is supposed to protect us. It's normal and okay to have mixed feelings towards your mom.

I also just want to say that while your mom's trauma and undiagnosed mental illness may have influenced her abuse towards you, abuse is ultimately a choice one makes independent of other factors. The fact that trauma and mental illness don't necessarily make someone abusive goes to show that being abusive doesn't really have to do with either of those things. There is no excuse for abuse, and there's no excuse for being mistreated.

The gaslighting could definitely be a factor, and I think part of it may also be that she is your mom, and so part of you may be yearning for that affection so desperately as to try and dismiss the history of abuse. I think therapy can help you and your system work on figuring out how to reconcile the present situation with what has happened. Please know that however you feel about your mom is valid.

I think it's also worth considering the fact that you don't have to forgive your mom, and you can still heal and/or maintain a healthy relationship with her.

Please know that what happened is worth acknowledging, the pain and trauma y'all carry is worth acknowledging, and you are a valid survivor.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if y'all need anything.

-Bun

[boydepartment]

Hello again, it's sheep anon! (This is a super long message, whoops) I think you can tell from my messages that I've been struggling with my perfectionism and tying my self worth to my work. I'm infinitely harder on myself than anyone can possibly be, which has caused me a lot of grief. Despite what I write on here, I don't consider myself to be a sad person, it's just been a rough period in my life. I wrote that message when I was in a bad headspace, clearly, and while I haven't gotten over it entirely, it has gotten better. It's hard to have an objective viewpoint of a situation when you're in it, so thank you for giving me some perspective and advice. =)

You are so right that flaws makes us who we are. If I was a perfect person, then I'm pretty sure I would have never known you or sent that first message. I tend to not express my troubles because I invalidate my own emotions, but like you said, if we aren't taking chances on people, then we aren't really living life. I'm not a risk taker by any means, but I believe more in humanity than my doubts of it. Stays and skz have proven to me that over and over again that people can be kind and understanding in spite of the cruelty of the world. There's so much of life I could miss if I just pretended that I was perfect.

Recently, I watched a video that said that progress isn't a picture perfect journey, which I think is true in many ways. I used to think that once people went through the worst part of their lives, that things would just magically get better and would never fall again, mainly because of how media portrays heroes. The darkest hour for heroes are momentarily and are easily gotten rid of after they pull themselves out of it. Of course, reality is a bit disappointing that way, but I'm sure even if I fall again, I have faith in myself that I will pull myself back together again. You can't get rid of sheep anon that easily world! ᕦ⁠(⁠ò⁠_⁠ó⁠ˇ⁠)⁠ᕤ After all, I've already proven to myself by getting myself this far.

Anyways, to answer your question, I can't pick a bias for the life of me because I switch my choice every 5 seconds, but I tend to lend towards the Aussie line mainly because of their willingness to be open. I get incredibly emotional easily, so I tend to bottle my emotions up, so to see someone be so open made me feel like there was someone out there like me. I also relate to I.N a lot since I'm the youngest out of my siblings and I've felt Han's emotions in his lyrics on so many occasions. I think the best thing about skz is that I can see parts of myself in all of them and their relationship with each other. It's super clear that they have a strong bond. (I'm a little jealous actually.) I'm going to end it here so this doesn't continue for another 5k words. I hope you're feeling better, being sick while dealing with that time of the month is the pits. Virtual hugs for everyone!

＼⁠(⁠^⁠o⁠^⁠)⁠／

-🐑

Hi Sheepie!!! I am really glad my long response was good! I was a little worried there for a sec it was jumbled in my fever state lol! I honestly really love the way you add so much personality to your messages here. It makes me smile seeing the way you word things. I totally understand what you mean with the Aussie line. I really love them, I worry about Chan a lot though. It's always good to push yourself, I just wish he wouldn't do it so often, he could damage himself. But he is a grown adult so he can figure it out. Felix is just so sometimes I cant even describe him and I dont want this to be 80 years long. He is just so him, I love it. I.N is such a sweetheart, I love him and he always makes me laugh. I love his singing so much. I mainly relate to Leeknow, I know on tumblr I act very bubbly and happy but in real life I am really closed off and have my chosen people(which is starting to slim but I wont get into that). I am loud around them and I'd do anything for them. Plus I am a huge animal lover. OH I GET YOU HANS LYRICS KILL ME TOO, i love them!!! I do have to say though out of all of them, Changbin written songs feel like someone just stabbed me with a spork loll. I relate to his the most. IVE ALSO BEEN HAVING A WEIRD SEUNGMIN MOMENT RECENTLY??? He has been making me giggle a bit. Hyunjin has a really special place in my heart too, I love the way he sees the world. And how he views love. AS YOU CAN SEE IT IS HARD TO PICK A BIAS AND STICK TO IT FOR ME TOO

Thank you sheepie! I have been feeling a lot better recently and got back to writing my Felix story again :) I'd also be lying if I said I haven't already started hitting the weights again oops hehe. I HOPE YOU HAVE A FANTASTIC DAY MY DEAR! I HOPE THIS MESSAGE ISNT TOO SPRAWLED OUT! I wanted to reply before I hit the hay! I will be looking forward to your next message! I love hearing what you have to say!

OH PS!

Did you have any shows you were obsessed with growing up? I was a doodlebops kid lol

[tiger-moran]

Apparently this is because of some discord Q&A? I don't know.

But it's not only that I doubt this it's also one of those things that's kind of rubbing me the wrong way a little bit, firstly because I hate how often things that relate to a text itself are not actually in the text. I don't even mean just patreon stuff (though that also sucks, if actual counted-as-canonical fact content only gets put in the extras you have to pay for and the rest of us never even know about those things even though it's actually important to understanding the text) but as in the creators start putting stuff on social media as some sort of 'extension' of the text that's still treated like canonical fact but then if you don't have that social media you miss all of that (for instance people were going on about Moriarty on twitter a while back. But I don't use twitter so I can't see that, I miss out on all of that kind of thing, and it's fucking annoying honestly.

And secondly because of how vague what people are claiming does sound to me. So a few people are saying podcast!Sherlock is canonically queer, like it's complete fact now. OK, great, but what does that actually mean? I don't know what was said in the source for this or who said it, I'm going by other people's comments about this, but from how it sounds from reading their comments it is still incredibly vague. And for one thing if this is true but it is just left as him being 'vaguely queer' then I can so easily see how some people are just going to use that as a way to attack and invalidate queerness in general and deny that Sherlock is actually queer, or how some people are going use it to attack and invalidate asexual people in particular (because too many people still don't think asexuality is actually queer; I've seen that happen far too many times before even just in the Sherlock Holmes fandom - people act like queer only means gay and nothing else counts or matters).

And I also don't really see how Sherlock is actually canonically queer when it's (as far as I can tell) just a comment by someone (I still don't know who? One of the creators? I guess?) in a space loads of the listeners don't know about, don't care about and/or don't have access to. I'm sorry for sounding really cynical but it's so easy for an author or creator or whoever to say something is true on somewhere like facebook or twitter or their own blog or wherever to try to appease a part of the fandom or make themselves sound better or whatever reason they do it for but then never actually bother to put that in the text itself. And I also feel like if the creators actually truly cared about making Sherlock queer into absolute canonical fact they could have easily done that long ago, and they should have done it then. Like with Victor Trevor, they could have done something then; there were definite hints that something could have gone on previously between Sherlock and Victor that wasn't strictly platonic and they could easily have had Sherlock just casually mention that he's queer, he's gay, he's asexual, whatever, back then the same as Victor casually mentioned his sexuality. But they didn't. And they still haven't since then. Someone do correct me if there is way more to it than this that I don't know about (though if there is but this is still entirely on some site or whatever I don't have access to I'm still going to be annoyed about that) but… I'm just underwhelmed by what I'm hearing about this, and extremely cynical about it too. I'm glad, honestly, some people seem really happy about this and of course I'm not denying how profoundly important it can be for a creator or 'celebrity' or whoever to show any kind of support for queer people, but for me it just feels like… if that was true and that is the only 'confirmed queerness' we're getting by this point (and I mean it's well over 50 episodes now, this is not a brand new show any more)… it just feels underwhelming and kind of lip-servicey to me. Sorry.

I've seen a few people today saying Sherlock in Sherlock & Co is canonically queer but I'm like

[orangevtae]

Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy [S.Harrington x Henderson!Reader]

prev - next

Chapter 10: I Was Made For Lovin' You Babe

You don't know how much time you have been on the bus, deciding to look at the watch on your wrist, you scoffed, it has been an hour since you got inside of the reforced bus, looking out at window and you decided to take a seat on the bus floor.

Steve decided to seat by your side, sensing your nervoussness, your distressful state said to him that you weren't ready at all for another year on this madness "It looks like we can't have a normal year after the last, right?" he spoke up beside you.

"Absolutely, and to think that the closer i got to be a normal stupid teenager was Tina's party" you chuckled and got trapped on your thoughts

"What's going on inside that little head of yours, Henderson?" he asked concerned seeing you disassociate for a bit

"I'm a little bit mad, should've thrown away that thing when it could fit in Dustin's hand but...i wouldn't be capable to live with myself if i he ended up being disapointed on me" you said, voice nothing more like a whisper, so that Dustin couldn't hear

Steve looked between you and Dustin, that had been pacing back and forth a little behind you guys and he sighed, getting a little bit more closer, his shoulder touching yours now and the little contact made him feel like his hands got clammy and he cleaned them on his jeans, his stupid little crush on you it's no good, you barely talked to each other since last year and now in less than 48 hours he developed a fat crush on you and he hoped that it would dissipate as soon this all was over.

"It's cute" he cleared his troath

"What?" you asked, lost

"How even with all that shit happening again, you are worried more about your brother and those shitheads than on yourself" he chuckled a bit at that, when he comes to think of it, you always worried more about the kids than the monsters.

"Oh, hmm...yeah, someone gotta worry about them. Even being shitty what happened last year, for some reason i got even more closer to Dustin and the party, we were already, i mean, but i guess that last year brought us even more together so..." You shrugged and Steve nodded, he understood, last year while Nancy and Jonathan were after the Demogorgon, you stood with the kids, was the first of the grown ups to meet Eleven because the boys trusted you on that, on helping them, you had been with them all those moments.

"I feel like it's my job to protect these little culprits, i know them since i arrived Hawkins, went from being their babysitter to be their friends, i couldn't be able to forgive myself if something happens to them. I was alone last year on this...how can i put it? Job? " you laughed "It really took a toll on me being alone taking care of them and be, at least once, the resonable adult: Don't do this, don't do that, what are you guys planning to do? blah blah blah" he laughed at the way you rolled your eyes and smiled "But hey, you're here now, i mean, could've been worse, so thank you"

"For what?" Steve frowned

"For believing Dusty and come to help when he asked, i have no idea of what the hell is that bouding you're building with him but i can see how important it's to him to have a male figure to look up at" you smiled up at him, a mischief glint making present on your eyes "Even with those stupid dating advises of yours"

"Hey! My dating advises are on spot!" he pretended to be offended

"C'mon Harrington! They suck!" you both laughed

"Well, they never failled, so that makes your argument invalid" he shrugged and smiled yet again at you, gosh he was smiling too much around you

"I highly doubt that!" You laughed along with him and when his lighter seemed more interesting, a small smile grazing his lips, not that you were busy looking at him for noticing that, he spoked again

"Why we didn't talked after everything? I mean, kept on touch beyond the waves at the hallways? Or even before that?" he asked you, he never knew why you guys often pretended to be normal after last year

"I don't know" you breathed in "Before all of this mess, i just thought you were an asshole, to be honest, i would look you on hallways with that stupid sunglasses of yours and just thought "Such a jerk, thinking he rule all this school, King Steve" " you emphasied, left out a chuckle while Steve hissed "And the fact that you always were with Tommy H. and Carol, they were so stupid, i don't know, you guys were the cool kids, everyone knew you guys, i don't think that, at the time, we would've be friends at all. No, you were the cool popular guy and i was the nerd at the biology class" you looked at him

"Wow, i know that i wasn't a good one to make a positive impression on high school, but i didn't thought that i really was an idiot" He knew, actually, after getting beated up by Jonathan Byers and tired of being used by Tommy and Carol, that never were his friends, after he just stood there watching them write "Nancy the slut Wheeler" on the theater, he knew that he was such an ass that would just let people make what they pleased with him and after all of that, he started to simply hate the "King Steve" title, it left a bitter taste on his mouth and everytime, he just wished that he could punch his past-self.

"Yeah, you were" you said after some time, getting him out of his thoughts "But you know, i was wrong about you, i think that before that you would rather die than to help Y/N Henderson and her kids friends on a life threathening situation but now? You didn't even thought twice about coming help, build up a plan and getting ready to hit some demogorgon babies, i was judgmental at first, a little bit skeptic even, but after last year, i started to think beyond that jerk that i thought i knew. And you want to know what?"

"What?" you laughed and locked eyes

You both got lost there, his puppy like eyes boring onto yours, curiosity sparkling on them while he waited for you, your eyes wandering to his eyes to that stupid fluffly hair of his and gave him a smile at looking at his eyes again.

"I like more this Steve Harrington, the true one" you said softly

"Yeah?" he asked surprised, voice more like a whisper

"Yeah" you said again

"And you wanna know what i think?" you nodded for him to continue "That if i hasn't been a jerk trough all high school, i would've been able to get to know you better, the quiet but funny girl on the biology class that never would let Tommy H. leave without a snarky comment when he bothered you, and i would like to get to know you much more better now, if you allow me, of course"

You pretended to be deep on deep thought at that and let out a lazy smile up at him before answering "Sure, of course, but i'm saying this in advance: being with me and get to know me means that you're gonna be with these shitheads too" you pointed to the kids on the back of the bus and Steve shrugged

"I think i can handle it as long as you're babysitting them with me" he said playfully

"You have a deal over there, Harrington" You and Steve started talking about college and he was surprised to know that you didn't wanted to go to college yet, you had no idea of what you wanted to do and wanted to at least get a job and be able to be a normal person that complains about bills and their job.

After a while, you haven't noticed, but Dustin stopped to walk back and forth and had caught half of your conversation and observed the both of you. He didn't know how you guys haven't noticed, but it was there, the eletricity that Steve has talked about, he noticed how Steve's eyes wandered a little on you face while smiling, how you were playing with your fingers while invested on the conversation (an act that you did when you were nervous) and just how you inclined to each other you were.

He wasn't grossed out by the idea but he was afraid that maybe Steve would break your heart just how Jordan did, and he didn't wanna to see you on that state again, he would've to have a conversation with Steve if he really was pretending to make a move on you if he ever came with terms with his situation with Nancy and he didn't notice that he has started pacing again.

"So you really fought one of those things before?" Max spoke after a long while and you turned back to her

"Yes" Dustin answered shortly

"And you are 100% sure that it wasn't a bear?" you understand how hard is to believe in this shit, the poor girl was just throwed on that mess.

"Shit, don't be an idiot okay? It wasn't a bear. Why are you here if you don't believe us? Just go home" Dustin hissed at her and your eyes widened

"Jeez, someone's cranky. What? Past your bedtime?" and she went up the stairs inside the bus to go up where Lucas was

"That's good, just show her you don't care" you hitted Steve's leg "what?!"

"I don't. Why are you winking Steve? Stop" Dustin huffed at the older

You sighed after Steve got flustered and gave a hard look to Dustin and he stacked, he didn't liked to be the one on that stare of yours "What?"

"That wasn't cool Dustin. We are already familiar with the situation and know what we are dealing with, but she was just throwed here, you can't blame her for doubting, ok? We all are on high alert and worried, but it isn't snapping at each other that we'll handle it, alright?" you said sternelly to him

"Alright" he lowered his head, a little bit ashamed

"Good" you got up on your feet and spaned your butt and thighs from any dirt that left and looked out of the window, Steve following right after "Anything Lucas?"

Just as you shouted, you heard a growl on the distance, damn this mouth of yours, you tried to look trough the fog but it was so dense that you had absolutely 0 visibility.

"Do you see it?" you asked Steve

"I don't see nothing" he replied while tryung to look out for Dart

"You guys seein him?" Dustin asked you both and you denied "Lucas, what's going on?"

"Hold on, i've got eyes" Lucas went silent for a instant "Ten O'clock! T-ten o'clock!"

Lucas stuttered and you frantically tried to look at where it was pointed

"There!" Steve says beside you and you follow his eye sight, spoting Dart

"What's he doing?" Dustin asked

"I don't know" you said softly

"He's not taking the bait, why is he not taking the bait?" a frustrated Steve asked looking for you to Dustin

"Maybe he's not hungry?" Dustin suggested

"Maybe he's sick of cow" You said and locked eyes with Steve when something clicked on your head at the end of the setence, you both had the same look and hurriedly run to the door.

"Steve? Y/N? What are you guys doing? Steve!" Dustin asked desperatly as you and Steve got your bats and he felt a shiver run down his spine as you guys reached the door "Y/N, wait!"

"Dusty, stay there with Max and Lucas" you told him

"But-" he tried to argument

"We gonna be okay, i'll be right back, just trust me, ok?" he looked to Steve that shrugged his shoulders

Steve knew that there wasn't a talk back with you and he knew you could take care of yourself and knew that you would rather do it if meant a chance for the kids to run away if there was a chance.

"Okay" Dustin replied, feeling defeated

"Here, just get ready" Steve throwed his lighter to Dustin

Your grip got tighter around the base of your bat and looked at Steve that was already on the door as you got closer to him and he studied your face a little "Stay close, yeah?"

"Alright" you nodded

After that, Steve opened the door and you guys step out of the bus, Dustin closing the door again after you were already out.

You took a deep breath as you and Steve started to take steps more closer to where Dart was, Steve started swinging his bat and whistling to get the Demogorgon attention, you in high alert behind him.

"Come on, buddy" Steve whistled again "Come on buddy, come on. Humans taste better than cat, i promise"

You heard some moviment on your right and turned to the side and then you heard the same on the left, your back to Steve as he still tried to get Dart's attention while your eyes landed in at least more three of them, or four, you didn't know, you felt the hair on your arms rise, a shiver running down your spine. You tried to get Dart on your trap and end up noticing that instead you had fallen on his.

You were in deep shit.

"Steve! Watch out!" Lucas screamed.

As if on clue by the moment Lucas shouted, you pulled Steve behind you by his jacket when other one of them jumped to him and you hit it full with your bat.

Steve felt as if everything frozened the moment you pulled his jacket and hit the monster that almost had eaten him and looked at you on his spot on the dirty floor, you looked absolutely badass and that took a breath out of him at your stance and concentration. "OH MY GOD! FOCUS!"

He got up again, his back to yours as you hitted monster after monster that was trying to get to you guys to be their next meal.

"Guys! They're coming closer!" Lucas shouted again and your breath got stuck on your throath

"How many are there?!" Steve shouted to you

"I have no idea! I lost count!" You said as you hit another one

"GET DOWN!" Steve shouted and as you did as he said, his spiked bat came in full contact with one that almost jumped on you and you realease a deep breath as it fell far from you.

"We trapped!" you anounced to him

"What should we do?!" he asked desperate

"I have no idea Steve!" you replied, voice full of concern

"Steve! Y/N! Get back right now!" You heard Dustin shout alongside with Lucas and Max on the bus door, and you felt as if your blood was boiling, adrenaline rushing in your veins, head turning everywhere as more of them arrived.

"Any idea Steve?!" you asked again before hitting at one that almost got your leg

"Yeah! Run!" he said while doing the same

"How we do that without one of those things surrounding us?!" you shouted as hit another one

"On three! We run on three!" he replied

"Ok! One!" you started to count

"Two!" Steve hitted another one that was on the middle of the path to get on the bus

"Three!" You said in unison and Steve griped your hand and tuck you by his side as you started to run towards the bus. You push Steve by the hand that he was holding before one of the demogorgons jumped, it's body hitting the ground where Steve was seconds ago, you rounded it and kept running to the bus, the kids on the bus making movements with their hands for you guys to move forwards, Steve hand on the small of your back as you pratically jumped on the bus stairs with him, his back hitting your front as Dustin quickly closed the door.

Heart drumming on your ears and your breath fastly going in and out, matching Steve's which hand was still tightly gripped on yours and suddenly a sound was heard as one of the creatures tried to break the door to get inside which resulted in you and Steve to push it with your feet "Oh my fucking God!"

"Shit!" Steve cursed

"Hold that up Harrington!" you shouted to Steve above the kids shout

"What do you think i'm doing Henderson?!" he shouted back

"Are they rabbid or something?!" Max shouted

Steve let go of your hand and the spot he was to get something to block the door instead of being you guys, once he puts it there, he fastly helped you up and away from the bus door.

"They can't get in! They can't!" Lucas shouted as the creatures all around the bus were hitting against it in an attempt to get inside to get to you guys, your breath ragged and head turning to all sides, you saw Steve hit one of them with his spike bat at the try of getting inside. Dustin got to his walkie-talkie, trying to reach someone.

"Is anyone there? Mike? Will? God! Anyone!" he screamed as more of them made holes next to him "We're at the old junkyard and we gonna die!"

"Shut up Dustin!" you said to your brother as you hitted one that was trying to get to him.

He would have shouted back but you heard a loud sound come from above you guys, one of them had jumped on top of the bus, you got closer to where Max was, looking up at the open lead when it appeared above you and Max, that left out a loud scream and as you tried to hit it with your bat, the monster hitted it so hard that half of it was broken and landed on the other side of the bus "SHIT!"

"COME GET THIS!" Steve shouted as he got by your side ready to hit it as it screeched on your face but before either Steve could fully hit it or the monster could make a move, it totally stopped and looked away from you both, growled and then left.

You were so out of reaction that you didn't even noticed that the movements agains the bus stopped and silence made itself present.

"Hey, you ok?" Steve nudged your cheek with his finger, concerned look on his eyes

"Yes, what-what happened?" You turned from him and looked at the kids, that looked just as distraught as you were, Steve moved to the bus door taking out what was blocking it and opened, you quickly moved to him with the kids right on your calf.

"What happened?" Lucas repeated what you asked just seconds ago

"I don't know" Max answered, eyes lost at the landscape in front of you

"You guys scared them off?" Dustin asked, looking between you and Steve

"I don't think so buddy" you answered Dustin

"No way" Steve said "I think they're going somewhere"

He turned to you and you went inside of the bus, putting the strap of your backpack over your shoulder, you saw a lonely pipe next to the stair that lead to the top of the bus and picked it up, getting back to everyone gathered at the bus door, looking confused at you.

"Let's go" you said passing them on the stairs and hopping off the bus, puzzled looks at you and you lost patience "LET'S GO! NOW!"

You shouted, voice more strong and everyone rushed to get their things, scared at your outburst.

Taglist:  @mochminnie @marmol4d4 @starhastoomanyfandoms @ren-ni @xoxoloverb @nctma15 @realmoose @yeswhatever33

[avatar-anna]

Would you ever do h helping yn with postpartum

Or anything with depression or anxiety

i've decided that for some asks/requests i'm gonna do little bullet point blurbs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry is really upset that you're having such a hard time postpartum.

When you came home with the baby for the first time, you immediately went to your room, telling Harry you were tired. Understanding the toll pregnancy and giving birth took on your body, he's more than happy to spend some time with the little bub by himself. Except one afternoon turned into days, and days turned into weeks, and you still wanted nothing to do with the baby.

Harry didn't really know what to do. He knew of course that baby blues and postpartum depression existed, but he'd never experienced it before, and he was beginning to feel overwhelmed taking care of the baby all by himself.

So he called his mom because he doesn't know what else to do. You laid in bed, but you hardly slept, you rarely spent time with the baby since you came home from the hospital, and he often caught you crying by yourself in your bedroom. So his mum came and stayed in the guest room for about a week, and she was a great help to Harry, but her presence only seemed to push you away even more.

Then one night he wakes up to the sound of the little bub crying, but you weren't there. Curiously (and hopefully), Harry went to the nursery, only to find both you and the baby crying. You were holding the baby, but it was clear that the fact that you couldn't calm them down only frustrated you.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm a bad mom. I don't know what's wrong with me," you cried, trying to bounce the baby the way you were taught in your classes.

Harry's heart broke hearing that, and he knew then that it was time to seek help. You weren't getting better, and he was worried about the future. He came up behind you and held you to his chest, rubbing your arm gently as you and the bub continued to cry.

And since you were so exhausted, you just fell against him, inconsolable.

You and Harry stayed up late getting the baby back to sleep and talking about your next steps. He gently recommended therapy, and was surprised when you agreed immediately. "I need to be a good mom. I need to be good enough."

"You are good enough. How you're feeling isn't your fault, baby."

And you didn't quite believe him, but you would, and after lots of therapy and support from Harry and family and friends, you began to feel like yourself again. You felt guilty for leaving Harry to raise your baby for the first couple months, but he immediately reassured you that it was okay, that you couldn't control your condition.

And things worked out. You and Harry raised the little bub in a loving home and to the best of your ability, but when you and Harry started having talks about having another baby, you were nervous. Who was to say you wouldn't be depressed again? You didn't want to put yourself or Harry through that.

But Harry reassured you that no matter what both of you decided, Harry and your kids would love you and take care of you.

When the bub was three, you decided to start trying again, and you were confident in the fact that Harry would always be there for you and that you had the resources to aid you if you did start to feel depressed again. And eventually, you had another perfect little baby, but those familiar feelings of doubt and hopelessness and invalidation were nowhere to be found.

[girls-are-weird]

i posted this a little while ago on the discord server in regards to the conversation that's happening about simon's hispanic identity and how people who are not hispanic, including those from other marginalized communities, should write about it. since half the discourse is here on tumblr, i figured i might as well crosspost:

as i just woke up to all of this on like every social media platform and haven't caught up, i just want to say: no one has ever said you can't write simon as trans if you're not latino. as i said yesterday, everyone wants the representation for their own identity, and latino trans people deserve to be represented as well, so i encourage anyone who wants to write simon as trans to have a go.

the point that was made is that IF you do write him as trans, you can't just ignore the fact that he's latino, and how that would affect him differently. you don't have to write every story ABOUT him being latino, but an acknowledgment of that reality is the least that you can do. you can't pick and choose which parts of someone's identity you deal with just because it's easier. that is literally what erasure is. you have to do the work. sorry if that's hard to hear, and i know this is just fanfic and it's something we just do for fun and it's not that big of a deal, but if you truly want to be respectful of other people's life experiences, i think this is something you have to keep in mind.

i mentioned on tumblr yesterday that a good guide is to ask yourself: this thing i'm doing with the character, would their circumstances be different because he's latino (or whatever the character's background is, i'm not necessarily speaking specifically about simon but more as a general rule of thumb)? more often than not, the answer is yes, and ignoring that feels (to those of us who share that life experience) like erasure. and people don't really realize that, but that's why conversations like this are so important: to bring awareness.

so, hopefully we can see that this conversation isn't meant to bring anyone down or invalidate anyone's experience, but rather to make people think about what they're doing and how they can keep doing it without unwittingly hurting others.

as an additional note, i want to say: if you have any questions or any doubts, the best thing to do is ask. some of my fellow hispanic members of the fandom feel we shouldn't have to constantly explain things to non-latino people, and i don't disagree with that. for some of them, it is very emotionally taxing to talk about these things, or they may even find it annoying that they're expected to just educate people rather than people doing their own research. that's valid. please don't go to them expecting them to always explain things to you or absolve you of any wrongdoing. they will do so if they want to, but they are not obligated to it.

however, for myself, i LIKE explaining things to people. i would rather people come to me and ask, than have a go at it themselves and risk getting something wrong. so please, if you have any doubts or would like to try and make your writing more inclusive of the latino/hispanic PoV, feel free to ask me. my ask box and DMs are always open, i'm on twitter, i'm on discord. i do not speak for every hispanic/latino person out there-- we are not a monolith; some of them feel a lot stronger about certain issues than i do. and i can't promise you i will just tell you what you want to hear-- i will give you my honest opinion even if it's potentially upsetting. but i will try my hardest not to judge you, and i will give you the best input i can in the hopes that it will make you understand our perspective at least a little bit better. it says something to me when people at least try.

[rickgrimesdoingrickthings]

Indeed, Rick's nature was sweet and peaceful. However, just like peace had it's advantages, it also had its problems. Richard often avoided discussions and arguments, specially when it was about him. Defending others? Rick could become a hero. But himself? He often suffered quiet or tried diplomacy. Rick and Shane completed each other so perfectly. And he always supported him and listened to him- he never felt lonely, even when things weren't well at home. Rick was the quiet, calm type. Never seeked for friends, never did effort to fit a group- it was the opposite, often people appreciated Rick's actions and ended up approaching him. He liked friends and family, but he didn't have the need to be popular or the center of attention. He would be quiet and enjoy the company of others...and that would be good. Such a sweet introvert. Rarely Rick judged people- he needed to be quite pissed to do so and most times he wouldn't say.

Shane was the sun, the energy that had popped in his life. His energy and action did him well...inspired him...and honestly, Shane was so funny. So cool.

"You were never a problem to me, man."

Rick looked at Shane in the eyes, voice low but serious and firm.

"We all got our problems. You got yours but you got your qualities too. You're...you. It's what makes you...be you." Rick understood Shane's sense of invalidation. He always had to be tough...both of them never managed to work their emotions as they grew up- they just had each other to vent...since venting to Lori often didn't end so well.

Shane's words shook him a bit. Invincible. Shane always seemed invincible, body and mind. And to hear and realize how hurt his friend had been...all those years...so lonely. Adventures of love with different women turned into stories and jokes to tell, while actually deep down, Shane was hurt he kept failing to build...something. A stray big dog...it's what Shane seemed like now to Rick's eyes.

"I never...thought you felt that way, all those years. I never considered....simply leaving you out of nowhere. You were...you're my brother. You're my family. Never doubt it."

Rick's eyes were getting teary again. The sweet way Shane was looking after his wounds didn't help...it only made Rick get even softer. "You always seemed to be ahead...I..I always did my best to catch up...and most times I did catch up but..." He took a deep breath. "I was sleeping at that hospital. I didn't see all this...happen. You...you were out here seeing the world end- I...I'm trying to catch up...I'm really trying."

Finally he opened up, lowering his head, exhaling the tension on his chest.

"I know I'm...behind. And that to you I'm pretty much pathetic now. Damn I didn't even recover my weight yet." He shook his head. "I feel like I'm running...the fastest I can to reach you, but you're so far ahead...and you're walking so fast I can't...reach- but I'm trying...I'll slowly...I'l...adapt. Like you. I will. Just....please don't let me behind. I'll get there. I know you think I'm not made for this but I can adapt to this- I've already killed two people...three now." he sighed. "That ain't easy...it messes with your head." He softened more as Shane was done bandaging his hands.

"Yes...you're going to be a dad." Rick smiled a bit, glad to see the legit joy in Shane's eyes. But the whole situation though it hurt Rick so much. Even though he knew it was justified, all what happened betwee Lori and Shane, the emotion and fragility- it still hurt him. And since it was so difficult to channel the hate at Shane at the moment, he just pushed it against himself.

"Maybe if I was a better father, a better husband- maybe it wouldn't have happened."

He shrugged, sadly, but also happy for Shane. He knew looking after the baby would approach Lori and Shane even more. It was a fact and it made Rick so insecure. Even if he chested Shane and became better than him at everything or even if Shane promised to never approach Lori again...he knew for a fact the baby would unite Shane and Lori again. Even if a romance didn't take place, it would be such an intimate bond with HIS wife.

Rick took a deep breath and rubbed his eyes. Carl too had bonded so much with Shane- the gazes, the hugs...it was so obvious his friend had become a new father figure.

"In the end what matters is...that everyone survives. That Lori and the baby and Carl survive." Rick nodded, doing so much effort to put it aside, to try to push away all that story of Lori and Shane being together- "What happened doesn't matter anymore. Now we need to focus just on surviving..like you said. No fights, no memories, no morals...just...focus on survival." Rick affirmed, trying to force himself to leave all that issue behind. But he broke. He broke and cried- pressing a hand against one of his eyes, trying to contain the sobbing. Rick just kept sitting there, crying, as silently as he could. "It's a....new start...now." Voice so shaky and weak in trauma.

Fuck. Fuck the whole situation. He hated all of it. And he felt awful for feeling that way- he felt so inferior.

Covered in blood....

Rick looked at his arm, touched his forehead. Yeah. Randall's blood was all over him- he had practically exploded due to the shot.

"Right...I better get this cleaned up...and I don't want to wake up the others." Even though the shot was loud and probably could be heard from the farm, most people were sleeping.

@deputygonebye

Finally, they had talked about it. The core of Rick's anger- Lori and Shane. Finally, the matter had been treated, in private, with both of them calm. It was hurting- all the punches, all the hits he had received from Shane- damn, he was so strong. Rick also knew that if his friend really had meant to kill him, he would be dead. No in between. Shane hadn't actually tried to murder him, he knew- he thought so. That man could be brute when he wanted- he was aware Shane could have snapped his neck with ease if he truly wanted him dead- this is why he came back for him, this is why he still trusted and counted on his brother. As he watched Shane across the fire, as he saw his best friend hurt like that...it finally started to him him, all the damage, all the emotional pain Shane went through. There were no distractions now, it was just the night, the fire, Rick and Shane and nothing else, the silence of the night with the calm forms of life. Richard remained silent all the time, giving Shane space, mental space to work his thoughts and speak. As he watched him, he observed the wounds on his rough body- had Rick actually done that? Manged to hurt Shane? It seemed unreal. The difference between their strength always had been so....crazy. To think Rick had exploded and decided to punch his friend- he was aware he was the one who had started it. He was aware he was the one who had exploded. After a deep breath, Rick facepalmed- He had pushed Shane. Pushed him a lot. Kept provoking him, despite knowing his brother had been holding back- holding back a lot, even when he had won their fight, he had just let Rick there, on the floor- not stomped him, not punched him to death, not twisted his neck. It happened twice. And even so, Rick stood and tried to attack Shane again. He felt foolish now- but he really, he really didn't want Randall to get killed like that- Rick needed time to think, and when they got back to the farm, he had decided- but he...he felt he hadn't the guts to do it- to execute- and when he had build up some courage, Carl was right there, watching. He couldn't let his son see him execute someone in cold blood-

His eyes looked golden as the fire reflected the warm light, both hands together, covering his busted lips, he watched his friend. Slowly his eyes filled with sadness and moved down, palms rubbing slowly as he tried to relieve anxiety. Then, his blur orbs got glossy. "You and Lori...I..." His voice was low. Indeed....Shane had gone through hell...being the force of survival alone, saving his family, without any support but Lori. And Lori...also alone, thinking her husband was dead. "It's...it's okay. It's okay that it happened." It's okay." That bomb, that core, that seed of hate against Shane- that cancer inside Rick's soul had finally started to dissolve. Until then, despite understanding logically what had happened Between Shane and Lori, his heart hadn't accepted it- his feelings hadn't accepted it- and that had been poisoning his soul since he started to suspect it, since he found out. "When I figured it out...and I figured out pretty quickly...I...I kept wondering until when you two would keep hiding it from me. Until when you would keep lying." Rick confessed. "I'm not..." He took a deep breath. "I'm not dealing so well with it." Richard looked Shane in the eyes and nodded. "But I will. I just need time. Okay?" His voice was different. All the hostility he had been building against Shane, all that hate, all that secret anger, all of that had been disarmed. That reaction, that defensive attitude was gone from Rick's eyes. Now they just looked sad and tired. "Yes. We're good." His voice was a lot softer, near a breaking point actually. "I also hate what happened to us." There was so much nostalgia in his eyes, looking his brother with such delicate stare. "Remember that time...well, of course you remember- there was that asshole...that had some problem with me at the academy- I still don't know why that guy hated me so much- he was always messing around. I remember that time he slapped me in the face, soon after lunch- I remember how you stepped in and just...punched him and shoved that asshole through the window, as if he were nothing- he fell right into that huge water puddle, got soaked..." Rick smiled softly. "It was...it was so awesome. I thought...'Shane is so strong, to lift that guy as if he were nothing...he was bigger than me'- I couldn't forget even if I wanted. And then, another day, that same guy cornered me, came at me, to hurt me for real- he had tried to choke me, busted my lips...he was assaulting in such aggressive way- but I knew you were keeping an eye- this is why I wasn't afraid." Rick nodded as he watched the fire. "You were for real that time. With one punch...just one...and the guy was down. Blacked out. Blacked out for good." He looked at Shane again. "That was...when you got serious. You could have killed him. Maybe if you wanted, he would be dead." Rick shrugged. "When you fought me earlier...that wasn't you being serious." He looked down in shame, curling a little bit, licking his lips, then spreading his jaw to relieve the tension of clenching it so much. "I was an idiot. I know." Rick muttered. "I'm sorry for that. I truly am. But I do think I can...I think we can keep them safe. And it doesn't have to be just me." His eyes were getting glossy again. "We'll kill him. We'll kill Randall." Rick said, in tone of defeat. "I was going to...wait. Wait for tomorrow, but..." He shook his head. "Dale is dead. If...if we had just solved it...if I hadn't brought all this discussion to the group, if we had just DONE it- he would still be here. His death is on me. And I couldn't even finish him." A tear rolled down Rick's cheek. "Dale's gone, man. Dale's gone because of me."

Talking to Shane made him see. Made him realize. Shane wasn't insane. He just could see things Rick still couldn't. Dale had been naive and his destiny had been clear. "Shane...I forgive you." He muttered. His eyes were already different. No more egotistical pride, no more spikes pointed to Shane. "I just need some time to heal it....but...it's okay. It will be okay." The man seemed to be crying, silently. He stood, walked away to the barn. A dry gunshot resonated through the night. It was fast. Quickly executed. Rick didn't even think- he kept his feelings and thoughts out of it- he did it to show Shane he would follow his part of the promise. They both had agreed young man had to die- Daryl agreed, the others agreed- the only one who voted for mercy now was dead. There was no pointing arguing anymore.

Richard came back, covered in blood- shirt and face and neck and chest stained with the red liquor, still dripping, still running down over his skin down to his chest and stomach- after blowing Randall's head up with his Magnum- such explosive, violent gun- with one of the greatest recoils, such violent shot- just like Rick, a thin form capable of lethal explosions. But now, he was calm. All hate and anger replaced by guild and sadness, but also decision. Grimes felt he didn't have to keep proving he was a leader anymore- he just had to get things done. And he had. It would be with Shane from then on. If he had told about Lori's pregnancy before- if Lori had told them before, he was sure Shane wouldn't have exploded the way he did- same with Glenn, if he had told about the barn earlier, if they had managed to talk properly, Shane probably wouldn't have exploded the way he did. Rick was starting to understand. He had seen the type of man Randall was, trying to persuade Carl, smashing that walker with pleasure in his eyes- the brutality- the fun in violence, such great red flags. He couldn't keep fooling himself, pretending he hadn't notice, that he hadn't seen it. Not anymore. His chest was shaking, his eyes seemed a bit shocked, he blinked slowly, deep breaths. He took a small roll of bandages from his pocket, moved closer to Shane, sitting by his side, taking his wounded fists gently, wrapping the bandages around his hand and knuckles, head low, regretful tears dripping on the bandages from time to time. That hate was gone. The sadness and fear though, they had stayed. "You...you're going to be a dad, man... congratulations." Rick smiled sadly as he kept his eyes on Shane's hands as he treated the wounds. He wouldn't steal the kid from Shane. It would be low and unfair. It would be so unfair. It was his- Shane had a word in it- All of them would have to sit down and talk- Rick, Shane, Lori. They would have to stop hiding things from each other-trying to steal each other's rights from the truth. They had to be fair and decide things together from now on- it was complicated, so complicated, but it had to be dealt with. "We'll take care of them. We will. We will do this together. We'll survive. Above anyone else, we have each other. You're my best friend, always been. Always will be." Rick's voice was a bit shaky, he was broken, but healing. The devotion he had in his actions, in his eyes, that wouldn't change.

@deputygonebye

[shiftingxsparkles]

hi hiiiii... I need like a harsh shifting motivation because I feel like I've been having some sort of shifting block lately and I'm a little uninspired because of it.

Sooooo....

Shifting is real, right???? Promise???? 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 It's not an inside joke that we're just totally invested in, right???? 😭

(LONG POST AHEAD WITH RANTING BEWARE)

HEY LOVE i am very glad you decided to reach out and send this message and i hope i will be able to help you at least a little bit

however i do want to mention that it is very possible no matter what i say or however way i try to tell you that shifting isn't an inside joke but quite possibly a true and real thing you can experience - there is a high chance you will still continue to have doubts. i don't think it is humanly possible to not have doubts about something until you experience it/see it yourself (or maybe hear it from a very very trusted source) especially if you are a very skeptical person in general or one who overthinks and questions everything. another thing in relation to that is - i have not shifted myself so more or less i am kind of in the same state as you - i don't necessarily know what and who to believe and what to disregard

HOWEVER!!!! one thing that kind of had made me so into reality shifting (besides the fact that it's super fun and a very cool concept lmao) is that i have not once seen a good argument that supports the theory that shifting is fake (ofc i can be corrected at any point here) but well okay so let's see what arguments we come across the most;

shifting is fake/impossible. - okay why? silence…nope thats it. thats their whole argument and when you ask them to explain further they don't have anything meaningful to say or back it up with. -10/10

you are delusional - which makes no sense? when you compare reality shifting from people who claim to have experience it and then compare it to the delusions of people who actually suffer from different mental disorders that have delusion as a symptom you find both of them to be completely irrelevant and different things. people who are genuienly delusional have a very distinct thought and speech patterns that are not present with people who claim to have reality shifted. plus i think it is quite a rare condition and i doubt it will be seen as often as it is so this argument is also quite invalid. (also delusional disorder, schizophrenia, DID, maladaptive daydreaming etc etc have literally nothing in common with shifting so whoever says that STFU lmao) (let's not even go to the point where they use it as an insult and in turn insult mentally ill people who without their shit already suffer enough) 1/10

you are lying - now this is the only one that kind of could make sense since people lie a lot and have indeed lied about shifting - i remember this girl on tiktok that said her body left her DR when she shifted back and i was like gorl💀 it is quite obvious when someone is lying tbh however yes there is a possibility that quite a lot of people are lying but lets get this to the next level why do people usually lie? they usually lie to get some form of recognition or attention right? sometimes people lie to protect themselves however lying about something like shifting so publicly is definitely not about that. okay so let's assume that it is for recognition for a following maybe, maybe to be a part of a community etc etc - okay so where does that leave all the countless other stories of people who also shared their stories without getting any sort of recognition - who for example send many anon messages confirming they have shifted or who post on discord let's say, amino, reddit - yes you can say they are still lying, still hoping to get something out of it but cmon every single one - like not every single person would do something like that? it just doesn't fit right?? it doesn't make sense. however still this is one of my biggest doubts because i just cannot be sure 5/10

it's lucid dreaming - my favourite one. THE STUPIDEST ONE. (besides the one with no argument lol) firST OF ALL!!! lucid dreaming as realistic as it can get is fucking dreaming - dreams are blurry, hazy, they make no logical sense (hence why you usually have 365 fingers) dreams last usually up to an hour and i think the maximum a dream can last is 2 hours. (which not all of it you are going to be lucid and conscious) how are people supposedly dreaming for days and weeks at a time? absolutely stupid comment also lucid dreaming used to be considered fake and delusional :) sooo…waddup with that -1/10

OKAY so we can come to the conclusion with this that there is currently more stuff in support of shifting than against it. so we can at least keep and open mind and entertain the idea right? okay now.. how do you keep yourself motivated and inspired and get yourself rid of that block…okay so i was super unmotivated a month or so ago - i didnt really feel my old dr i was starting to get bored of nothing happening… soo maybe what you need to do is change things up a bit? start a new show, book,movie and create a new dr, or even create a new world yourself - something you have always wanted to see or experience or even a person you have always wanted to be - start focusing on that creating a script, playlists, pinterest boards, drawings, edits even whatever you want and inspires you. start reading/watching other people's stories on reddit, discord, amino, tiktok. maybe potentially find a friend (unless you are asocial like me lol) to share it with. or maybe if nothing works just give yourself a break maybe that is what you need - shifting is never going to go away after all even if you are 80 it is still going to be there for you to experience and have fun with. there is really no rush and it is completely okay to be burnt out

even if you keep having doubts i suggest you keep trying (at the end of the day if anything trying to shift can be quite a healthy habbit - i mean cmon meditating is extremely beneficial for you, sleeping well, positive affirmations - the process itself is good for you) - as long as you keep an open mind and by that i mean keeping it mind that it might not be true and still being okay with that - there is absolutely nothing wrong with trying and trying and trying. (why im saying the "you should be okay with it not being real" is because i dont want you being dependent on shifting, or your happiness being dependent on it - remember that idealizing things be it people, places, memories - is never a good idea and it never ends well and is never what you thought it would be - (like for example you shift for someone and they turn out to be a horrible person yk?)) (if you are in a bad living situation and you find this the only way you can escape things get very complicated and though i understand i do not feel qualified or knowledgable enough to help)

also one of the things that always motivates me (maybe because i can be SLIGHTLY narcissistic) is if there is even the slightest possibility that you are literally going to experience one of the most exciting and weird things known that quite a few people experience then sign me up honestly idc fjdsfds

OKAY SORRY FOR THE LONG POST as an end i want to say i wish you the best, i hope you are taking care of yourself (and anyone who reads this as well) and i truly hope you shift very very soon !!! and trust me whenever i do i will tell you if its real or not <3

[alchemania]

Barbara, and Bennett: Toxic Positivity (and how they each exude it)

While it's easy to spot negative toxic behavior, toxic positivity can be harder to recognize and pin down. In this blog, I am going to analyze 2 characters in Genshin and explain just how they show traits of toxic positivity. (I originally was going to include Jean, but I already covered her in an earlier blog so it'd just be redundant)

Barbara Page

Barbara is all smiles and sunshine, trying her best to ensure that everyone is happy. However; she does this to an unhealthy degree and often does not prioritize her emotional wellbeing.

#1: Forcing herself to always be happy.

Barbara's story lines state that she "only allows herself to be depressed for 30 seconds" and that after that, she basically puts on a smile; regardless of what she's actually feeling. She often talks about how good everyone is to her, and I honestly believe that Barbara invalidates her own depression because in her eyes; she has a good life and there's no "reason" for her to be sad, plus if she was sad then everyone else would feel down. She hasn't experienced anything traumatic, so how can she have the right to be depressed? But the thing is, she has: her parents divorced when she was young; and Barbara grew up apart from Jean, leading to a lack of a relationship between the two. While the divorce, based on Jean's story lines, did not seem to have a lot of negativity around it (from what I can tell Simon and Frederica actually split on amiable terms, they just fell out of love with each other), it still affected Barbara in a negative way and no doubt she is hurting from it but she's not acknowledging her pain. All trauma is not the same, this is true. But all trauma IS valid; just because someone is hurting less doesn't mean they're NOT hurting and Barbara needs to understand that her pain is valid and give herself time to process it.

#2: Lack of emotional boundaries

If there's anything that Jean and Barbara have in common besides both being healers, it's that they're absolutely terrible at saying no. In Barbara's hangout, she feels guilty for avoiding Albert and wanting to be left alone despite being emotionally exhausted and even wants to apologise, despite doing nothing wrong. Later on when her fans ask for autographs; she agrees, despite being off the clock and trying to take a break: Aether has to step in personally to get people to go away, and not only that; he has to lie through his teeth in order to do so. If you tell the NPCs the truth ("Barbara is currently on leave, please don't disturb her",) they'll reply "Oh she's on leave? Perfect time to ask for an autograph!" They don't care about her feelings; all they care about is what she can do for them and the worst part is that Barbara lets them treat her like this. It's so bad that the Knights have to constantly step in and rescue her because folks can't get it in their heads that off the clock =/= available; and Barbara feels like if she can help other people that she needs to; to the detriment of her own needs. She seems to think it's selfish to put herself first; but looking out for yourself emotionally is anything but. It's okay to say no, it's okay to tell people you're not available. Just because you're free doesn't mean you're up to engage and there's nothing wrong with that. But like Sister Victoria says herself; Barbara is too nice. She gives and gives and gives and expects nothing in return, and people take advantage of that.

#3: Undermining herself through constant praise of others

In her hangout, she tells you that besides singing and healing, she doesn't have anything worthwhile about her, and then goes on about how amazing you are, Jean as well. Barbara doesn't acknowledge her positive traits, and then when she vents to you she apologizes for doing so, since you were supposed to be hanging out and having fun. She puts a lot of her worth in comparison to what other people can DO, and not actual character. Barbara is a lovely person: she's sweet and kind and loving, but because she doesn't see herself as physically strong or powerful, she doesn't think she's worth a lot.

Bennett

My GOD, Bennett is like the EPITOME of toxic positivity.

1. Allows others to mistreat him and take out their feelings on him because he feels it's his fault they're suffering (essentially, a martyr complex)

Bennett's hangout is a prime example of this where when Royce got angry, Bennett simply let him yell until you step in. Due to his almost perpetual bad luck, he feels that he's responsible for the misfortune of the people around him and since he can't physically do anything about it, he attempts to "atone" by letting himself be emotionally assaulted.

He also puts himself in physical danger to keep other people safe (he figures since he's already unlucky, might as well suffer a little more if it means everybody else is okay, right?), and accepts abandonment as the norm since he's a liability. Bennett does not value his wellbeing whatsoever due to constantly being in danger and he seems to be of the mentality "If I'm going to die, at least let me die protecting everybody" and that immensely upsets me that a KID, who's probably no older than 17, is already considering his mortality.

#2: Not allowing himself to process negative emotion

Just like Barbara, Bennett constantly forces himself to always keep a smile on, only in his case it's more to keep himself from getting overwhelmed about his situation. It's heavily implied in his story that Bennett is afraid that he could die any day (and I don't blame him) and so he lives hard and fast because he feels he doesn't have a lot of time. He's cheated death MULTIPLE times (he almost died as a baby, and he almost died prior to receiving his Vision), and Bennett more than likely feels that one day, he's not going to get lucky enough to escape again; and he'll actually die. His life is an entire string of misfortune and unlike Barbara and her parents divorce, Bennett is aware of this trauma: he simply chooses to take it in stride and forces himself to stay upbeat. Which is just as bad as letting negative emotion completely overwhelm him, it's literally just the other ditch.

Bennett also seems very sad about the fact that his team abandoned him but he doesn't let himself process that either (if you respond angrily to the revelation that his teammates left he'll jump to defend them and insist "they had their reasons"- and that may be true, but that doesn't invalidate the trauma and sadness of being left behind because of something you literally cannot control). Similar to Diluc, Bennett is sort of an Atlas of his own right, but instead of carrying all of Mondstat on his shoulders he's shouldering his emotional wellbeing: he refuses to vent to anyone and bottles everything up because he doesn't want to be a burden; but in doing so he's only hurting himself in the long run.

(Thank God for Razor though it seems like he might be hanging around for the long haul and that makes me immensely happy. I could cry. Please don't let anything bad happen to him and Bennett they deserve friendship)

I'm going to go off the beaten path a bit here but, to all you guys reading this; please remember that:

1. Your trauma is valid, regardless of how "lesser" you think it might be.

2. You are not obligated to give yourself emotionally to other people if you are not up to it. You cannot give what you do not have, and if you're not 100% emotionally wise, you really shouldn't be taking on any more negative energy. It's not selfish to take care of yourself. If people can't respect that then they're not worth your time. Set emotional boundaries and don't budge for anyone. The people who are meant to stay will honor your boundaries.

3. It's okay to be sad! And it's okay to be sad and have no idea why. It doesn't matter if you have a 'good life,' depression doesn't care who you are or where you are on your walk of life and sometimes it hits like a truck. Your sadness is valid and don't be afraid to take the time you need to acknowledge and process your negative emotions.

Please take care of yourselves, friends; and be safe.

Have a good day. 💗

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

I discovered your blog through the 1D relationships post (which I loved, and feel is 100% spot on somehow, even though I have no basis to confirm this). ♥️ I feel like these past few weeks have been tough in terms of stunts and now Billy Porter’s comments (which are 100% justified, of course). I’m just wondering what is going to happen with My Policeman promo — I feel like all signs since forever (or at least since 2010) as well as his own signaling point to H being queer. But lately I’m wondering, am I a clown? Are we all? Is there a chance we’ve all misunderstood or maybe he experimented at one point but not anymore and he secretly is straight? As a queer person, my own inability to always understand his closet frustrates me. If he is straight, it would be devastating—because you can certainly wave flags and and be the best ally there is as a global artist, but if he’s straight, I wish he’d just say he’s an ally. My partner thinks there’s no way he’d ever confirm that he’s straight now due to the backlash and confirmation of “queerbaiting” (and I get that humans can’t queerbait, but HS ™️ is also a brand). I get not wanting to come out as queer due to his fan base, but at a certain point, isn’t he choosing profit over being who he is? I just can’t decide if his “Who cares? I just think sexuality is something that’s fun” mean that he can’t say he’s queer and doesn’t want to lie about it OR he’s straight and just trying to be vague because why should it matter (if he’s straight)? (I feel like this is a mess of thoughts, sorry! I just find myself wanting to believe in his queerness and doubting.)

Lovely to hear from you anon - and I'm glad you enjoyed that post -I really enjoyed writing about how I imagined their relationship.

I'm sorry you've had a rough week anon. Fandom can hit us emotionally in all sorts of ways - and I am going to push back a little bit against some of the assumptions I see in what's here - but I want to be clear that that's not pushing back against any of the the things that you're feeling. I think that the messy feelings that come with fandom are mostly about us - and often it allows space for things we're maybe not able to feel directly. But I do think it's useful to push back against some of the framing around those feelings. (To give an example which is common in fandom that you are not showing anon. Lots of people who feel upset and angry when Harry pretends to date someone deal with those feelings by spewing misogynist bile at the person he's pretending to date for months. The feeling is not hte problem - the stories they're telling to avoid really dealing with their feelings are).

So my first question is - why would it be devastating if Harry Styles was straight? And I don't mean that in a snarky way - I genuinely think it's worth articulating. Fandom puts a lot of emphasis on being right, and treats the idea that we might be wrong in the story we tell about a celebrity as invalidating in some way. But it's totally OK to tell stories about a celebrity that turn out to be wrong - I once loved Joss Whedon.

To get really specific about that example - things Joss Whedon wrote about misogyny and power and survival really spoke to me and helped me get through really difficult times. When I discovered that he was in fact a misogynist who used his power to make women's lives worse, I told myself that everything that I had gotten out of his art was valid and important. I have never gone back to his art (except in one very weird night sort of by accident, just before the pandemic), but I'm very greatful for everything that I got out of it. And Joss Whedon was abusive to his wife, and sexually harassed women in his employment. That's much worse than Harry just not being hte person you thought he was.

I don't think that things you see in art, or even in the performance of celebrity, need to be intentional to be interesting, meaningful or valid. If Harry's straight that doesn't undo anything you've seen or felt.

**********

You say that you don't fully understand Harry's closet - can I suggest what that probably means is that you're telling a story about him that doesn't entirely fit with what you're seeing? What are you expecting to understand that you don't?

Reading this, I thought about My Policeman. We see the lead up to Tom and Marion getting married from Patrick's point of view. There's a scene where Tom told Patrick that he was called into his boss's office and asked when he's going to get married, told that single men often don't do well in the police force. When Patrick met Marion he thinks:

The truth is I'm a little afraid that her red hair and assured manner have turned his head. That she can offer him something I cannot. Security, for a start, Respectability (she has that in spades, although she may not be aware of it). And perhaps a promotion.

Then, a few days, later Patrick left work and went to Tom's police box. Tom said that he was supposed to be working and Patrick said he was too 'That's complete different. You can break the rules. I can't' As he said this, he hung his head a little, like a sulky boy' Then, as Patrick started undressing Tom this follows:

Then he took my fingers from his lips and, pressing them against his groin, he asked, 'Can you share?'

'Share?'

'Can you share me?'

I felt him harden, and I nodded. 'If that's what it takes. Yes. I can share.'

And then I was on my knees before him.

That scene took my breath away, because of how similar Tom is to how I imagine Harry. Harry wants it all. And his all isn't security, respectability and perhaps a promotion, as well as his man. His all is arenas full of people, and a movie career, and expressing some parts of his identity, and his man. And why shouldn't he? He knows the dangers. He's chosen to play someone whose attempt to have everything ended in huge amounts of pain.

The most insightful thing ever written about 1D comes from Karl Marx, when he said (I'm paraphrasing): Harry Styles makes his own history, but not in circumstances of his own choosing.

I'm also wondering what's going to happen with My Policeman promo. Harry must have known when he took this role that it would be challenging to maintain his current level of ambiguity while promoting it. He knows that some people see him as a straight man and will have opinions about him taking this role. But he did it anyway, because he wanted to tell this story of a gay man who wanted to have respectability and his lover. I cannot wait to see how he plays Tom. I also cannot wait to see how he makes his own history while promoting this movie, under these circumstances he did not choose.

There are many ways of understanding and relating to Harry - and you need to find what works for you. But I do find it useful, while following artists who I think are closeted, to be interested in how they navigate their closet, rather than upset and repulsed by it.

[downwiththemutantnjnjaturtles]

We Met Within This Screen [chapt. 6]

[Donnie x reader]

sfw, chapter 5 here

Come on, save it, save it, Donnie chanted to himself later that night, at home and tucked away in his room trying to figure out how to neutralize the situation. He paced along his bed back and forth, phone in hand as he wracked his brain thinking about how he'd get her to let it go. He could tell her that she was...overtired? Go the stereotypical route and say it was just her eyes playing tricks on her? Try to play it off as human teenagers messing around on the roof?

She'd gone to bed already. He hated that he couldn't pursue the subject until morning, her morning, but by then, he'd be tired. When she woke, he slept. But he needed to get it resolved as quickly as possible, so he reckoned it was time to pull an all nighter. Luckily, that wasn't anything he wasn't used to.

He figured he'd get the preliminaries out of the way so he could get right to it when she eventually texted back.

"Good morning

I know you're not awake yet but I figured I'd get an early start today.

I want to know, what exactly did you see last night?"

He shut his phone off and set it down on the bed, fingers rubbing his temples. Depending on her answer, this would either be difficult, or near impossible.

The rest of his time was spent just waiting around for her to finally wake up, dodging all his brothers and trying to occupy himself with something. He was fiddling with the radio he kept on the floor next to his bed when his phone notified him of a message. Turning the volume up, some old-school rock played softly. He didn't always keep music on when he worked, which was what he was doing felt like, but something needed to fill the silence. It also made it feel more casual to have the radio on, for both himself and for whoever might stop by his room.

"Good morning to you too

That was...sudden??"

How nice it was to read those words coming from someone who wasn't his family. Not that they said it like that often anyway, but the small gesture hit differently.

"I'm just really curious about what you said you saw."

Curious? Not quite. More like dying to know, and not because he fancied himself some cryptid hunting.

"That's fair I guess

But don't laugh, ok?"

"I'd never, [y/n]"

"Well

Okay

They were big

But no like not the overweight kinf, not even just 'tall guy' kind of big

kind*

You know?"

Yeah, I aware. I'm 6'8" and have a giant shell on my back.

"They?"

He was hoping she'd only seen one of them. Maybe it would have been easier, but, of course, that wasn't the case.

"I think there were two

Idk it just looked really weird, it was dark but the silhouette from the light made them look bulky, I don't know what it was"

Lips pursed tight, he looked up from his phone, and all of a sudden that music in the background was suffocating. He quickly reached over and shut it off. He needed to be able to divert all of his attention to one thing. Except, even though he should have been spazzing over her spotting them (even if just for a split second), a concern crept up in the back of his mind that made him scoff at himself. The need to know was too great.

His eyes fell on his scaled, three-fingered hand as he typed.

"Did it scare you?"

Perhaps it wasn't what he should have been focusing on. But he was. He knew she hadn't seen much, but what if she quipped that it was frightening, or gross, or…?

"I don't know, Bo

I guess it was kind of freaky

Uh, do you actually believe me? That I saw something?"

"'Freaky?'" he repeated to himself in a whisper, brow ridge furrowed. What was I expecting?

He had to shake himself of whatever was going on in his head at the moment, because there were more pressing matters at hand. Like what he was going to answer her question with. Theoretically, he could go two routes; one, invalidate the experience and try to walk on the line of telling her that it was not real without making her feel crazy. And then probably get mad at him. Or two, go along with it, if he didn't have the heart to do that to her. The answer was already here; he let out a deep sigh. Two, it is.

Nothing could make him want to make her feel that way, even if it meant he'd have to put in a little extra effort in fixing his mistake.

"I wouldn't doubt your judgement, [y/n]."

"Thanks

That makes me feel a lot better

You're a really good guy, Bo :)"

Freezing, he sat and stared at the screen before slowly taking the phone away from his face, lips moving, but no sound coming out. He had no idea what to say; all he could focus on was the fact that the girl he undeniably liked thought he was a good guy. And that, presumably, it meant she might have liked him as well. Big on the "might", he realized as the logical part of his mind took over once again. Regardless, he licked his lips and got to preparing a worthy response. He didn't want to come off as flustered as he felt. Donnie was aware he was not particularly suave—he took solace in the fact that she couldn't see his face or hear his voice. He contemplated on acting a bit more "cool guy" than he actually was, but wanted her to like him for him, not a facade. Which was a major contradiction to all that he had done up to that point, but the least he could do was be the person he was on the inside!

"You there?"

"Sorry, I got distracted…

You really think so?"

"That I think you're a great guy?"

"Well...yes."

"Totally. 100%"

His heart was going, he was stammering to himself, and a new feeling enveloped him. He was no stranger to the different emotions; he'd gotten familiar with many of them. Because though he didn't always show it, he had a lot of feelings. These, he felt most viscerally. But he had to get back on track. If he could push last night's incident under the rug, all would be well. More well than it already was, considering.

"Thank you, [y/n]

To be honest, I've never had a friend like you

So, do you want to talk more about what you saw? I know I'm switching tracks quickly, it's just very….interesting."

It was a jarring and awkward subject change, he knew that, but he desperately wanted to get it out of the way. The sooner, the better.

"I suppose

You seem pretty interested in it"

Maybe she wasn't hanging onto the experience like he'd thought she would. There were so many tales of people seeing inexplicable things and becoming enraptured by the experience that he guessed he should only expect the worst, but it appeared that she was not so obsessed. Crisis averted?

"Not too much, I was just wondering

We can forget about it."

"Oh, I'm not going to forget about it, Bo"

There it is, he thought, not surprised.

After thirty minutes of attempting to throw her off without coming off as suspicious himself, he had to take a breather, reorganize his mind. Only to come back and find that she had to go take care of things, and that she'd talk to him later. He'd done as much fixing as he could; at that point, it was as good as it was going to get. The thought of being looked for by his unknowing friend loomed about in the coming weeks as they did their patrols, when they would pass by her residence, and the times that he snuck off to stop by himself. Sometimes accompanied by Mikey, but he tried to keep it as solitary as possible. Soon, watching her on her balcony from that roof became part of his routine. He vaguely thought sometimes that watching her like that could be considered creepy, but that ship had already sailed.

For the third time in the last month he was there yet again, on the same roof, watching the same balcony, watching the same girl. Sometimes they texted, sometimes they didn't. The times he wasn't talking to her as he sat there were the times he daringly crossed the threshold onto the fire escape. There were only a few instances of that. But did he still feel out of his mind doing so? Yes. The window only looked into part of the living room and kitchen, but he felt scandalous to do it. Most of his time there was spent only with his shell against the wall next to the window, just out of sight. He could always hear her faint but noticeable footsteps coming and could easily vault the railing and climb up or drop down. She couldn't get past his keen hearing unless she knew to tread lightly.

Mikey was with him once again, this time out to look for scrap rather than patrol. He'd been buddied up with his younger brother more often ever since their talk that night in Donnie's room. They only stopped by because they were already out and had a viable excuse.

"Does she know about us? Like, me, Leo, Raph..." rambled Mikey, curious, as he practiced one of his new moves with his skateboard. He kicked up onto the ledge of the roof and skidded before hopping off, tucking the board under his arm. "You guys have been together like, what, two months? And she doesn't even know your name."

Fiddling with the strap reaching around his shoulder, Donnie replied matter-of-factly to hide the embarrassment that was ailing him at the thought, "Okay, for starters, we're not 'together'. And secondly, she hasn't mentioned voice chatting in a while."

"And?" He got back on his board, zooming by Donnie.

"My name? It just hasn't come up," Donnie shrugged.

"Call her, then!" Mikey smiled, still preoccupied with his board and trying out his new tricks. Donnie gave a light scoff and shook his head. His brother passed behind him where he sat leaned against the water tower.

"I don't want to just call her out of nowhere, Mikey, she might be asleep."

He also didn't want his brother there when he did.

"You gotta not be so shy!...oh, look, in the window. Right there. See? She's up," he quipped with a small smirk. The curtain was drawn, but the light had turned on at some point, and they could see her silhouette moving past. Donnie looked over his shoulder to say something but felt a hand slip into his pocket on the other side, stealing his phone right off of him. He was fast, but Mikey was faster in jumping into his board and gliding all the way to the other side of the roof with the fussy turtle hot on his trail.

"Mikey, quit it!" Donnie barked, lunging toward him for the phone.

"You'll thank me later!"

The two wrestled for the phone, Mikey holding it just out of reach as he tried to navigate the screen without dropping it.

"Come on," grunted Donnie as the tussle led them near the edge, where Mikey held it precariously over the alley below. His glasses were jostled off his face when a stray hand bumped them, causing them to fall amongst their feet. Squinting, he partially knelt down and searched for the pair while still looking at his brother and his phone, trying to stretch his arm long enough to snatch it. "Really?" he groaned, "just give me the phone!"

Donnie slung out his staff and used the other end to whack his wrist from underneath just as he pulled away from the edge, losing his grip on the phone. Mikey tried to catch it but it bounced off his hand, going right over the side of the roof and plummeting down into the alley.

Mikey froze. Donnie finally found his glasses.

Laughing nervously, Mikey turned back to him, "Whoops…"

When he didn't immediately find the phone on the ground, Donnie knew what happened. He looked over the edge, and there it was, sitting on the pavement in the alleyway. The building wasn't incredibly tall, but enough to do some major damage. He'd have to switch for one of his spares if he didn't want to deal with a busted-up screen.

"I don't need your 'help', Mikey, so leave it alone next time," Donnie said and gave him a narrow-eyed look, huffing as he leaped down to retrieve it.

Mikey may have been insistent, but he knew then it was time to stop. All he wanted to do was help. For his shy, flakey brother to come out of his shell (no pun intended). Donnie, at that time, had the biggest shot out of all of them for something unique and good. He hadn't yet worked out the logistics of how to bridge the gap between the two, but it was a calling of his to help him along.

Donnie watched for people from behind a corner before creeping out to get the phone, which was face down on the concrete. No doubt cracked to all hell if not completely shattered, though it did have a case.

But as he got closer, he heard a voice. From the phone.

He picked up the phone timidly and shot a glance up at the roof, where Mikey was peeking over the edge in apprehension. Without a word, Donnie activated the taser in his staff, pointing it at his brother and zapping it briefly. He flinched and retreated out of sight.

"Hello?"

"Hello? Bo?" she asked again, tone riddled with confusion. "What was that?"

"Uh, yes—hol—hold on, please," stammered out donnie, flying around the corner and pressing flat against the wall as a group of laughing people passed by the alley. "Just one second," he said nervously. Above him, Mikey was rapidly motioning for him to get up there, eyes wide and body trying to stay low. Baffled, Donnie gestured back at him, mouthing at him to keep his pants on for one more minute while he made his way up.

"Hey, what's going on there?" she inquired, concerned.

A street cat abruptly skittered out from between his legs from the dumpster he stood next to, and he had to stifle a startled yelp. He hopped up onto the nearest fire escape, trying to control his breathing. "Hey, hello…[y/n]," he half-chuckled, distracted by working up the building one-armed as he kept as quiet as possible.

"What was all that? And who's 'Mikey'?"

There was suddenly a shout—Mikey's shout—and his stomach did a jump. He sputtered as fast as he could, "I'm sorry [y/n] but this really isn't a good time, and I mean it really isn't," he pulled himself up onto the roof, and there was Mikey, fending off men clad in black, "so I have to go, but—"

"Don, dude! I need help over here!" cried his brother, sliding out of the way as a sword was jabbed towards him. He countered with a harsh uppercut to the man's chin, sending him stumbling backwards. The blade fell to the concrete with a clank.

"'Don'? Bo, what the hell?! Who is with you? And—"

Donnie jumped into the battle, a mix of nine or ten armed men with swords other weapons, and Mikey trying to stave them off, swinging his chucks with nothing short of reckless abandon. But he still didn't hit himself with them.

Ending the call, he secured the phone in his pocket. He wailed the guy closest to him in the side of the head with the heavy staff, then kicked him in the chest. The man fell to the blow, and Mikey ducked underneath the length of Donnie's weapon just in time as the two came together. Stray bullets flew past them, some colliding with their shells as they spun around for protection.

"How was it?!" Mikey yelled over the clamor, breathless. Donnie sidestepped from the rapid hit he sent towards the human to his left.

"What are you talking about?!" Donnie loudly questioned, flummoxed of what could have been going on in his brain during a fight. "We're kind of in the middle of something here!"

"Your phone call!"

"Yeah, the hell's the talkin' about, Don?" a gruff voice cut through the jumble.

Both of the boys whirled around to see their older brothers there, weapons drawn.

"Oh, right. As soon as I saw those bad guys coming, I let them know," said Mikey casually to Donnie, throwing his fist into the face of the man coming up behind him. "You know, standard biz."

With the rest of the team there, the fight was over twice as fast. Some groaning in pain and some unconscious bodies littering the area, along with their weapons. Leo finished the last one and sheathed his swords, eyes on their tallest brother while Raph kept watch around them. Donnie swallowed as Leo approached him.

"Don, you said you were going out for scrap metal," Leo stated.

In the background, Mikey grabbed his skateboard and was going to try to kickflip over one of the knocked out guys, but Raph yanked the board from him, growling. He checked all of the men to make sure they were down and would stay down.

"We were...just on our way back?" Donnie answered. Nearby, there was a small pile of scrap he'd collected, though definitely not enough to justify being out that long.

"So you stopped at your friend's place?" Leo deadpanned, crossing his arms. "Didn't you think that this could get her in trouble, too? Her apartment's right there, dude!"

Mikey budded in and corrected him, "Ah, we stopped by [y/n]'s. And nah! It's all good."

Donnie's face twitched. "Of course I thought about it! That's why I've only come here three times since, and only thirty minute intervals!" he bit back, throwing his hands up. The rest of his brothers all looked at him and his specificity. "I'm not naive, Leo."

The leader pushed past the both of them, signalling that it was time to leave, and they followed. Not before Donnie got what little metal he had collected and put away his staff, tucking the stuff under his arm. Raph joined alongside Donnie as they ran. "What's with all the secret' stuff, Don? First, ya hide it to begin with, then, ya make out like you were done, and now you get jumped by Foot guys by her place when you shoulda been gettin' scrap!" he said. "How were we supposed to cover for ya if you're lyin' even after we let you off?"

"Technically, I did get some!" Donnie remarked. He held up a piece of the scrap for him to see, and Raph snorted. "But..."

Well, his question would be a little harder to answer.

Next block was the nearest manhole, where each turtle swiftly jumped in, knowing by heart (and years of wandering) most of the sewers and the way back home. In some tunnels was Mikey's telltale graffiti, but it was scattered throughout the place enough to not be a giant arrow to their hideout. In the last portion of the run was the tunnel they always slid down, and once they were actually home, Donnie knew what was coming. Master Splinter was already waiting for them by the time they arrived.

"Uh-oh," Mikey said upon seeing him, sinking behind his brothers. Raph pushed him back up front.

Dropping the scrap in his arms, Donnie squeaked, "That's not good." He quietly cursed how high pitched his voice became when he was nervous.

"Yeah…" Leo cleared his throat, looking down at his hands clasped in front of him. The situation had an awkward tension for everyone in it, save for Raph, who was immune to it by then and Splinter himself. "We took care of the soldiers," he added more seriously. "Got out of there before too much attention was drawn.

"The police may be able to handle them from here, but it will not make a dent in the Shredder's forces," explained Splinter, grave as he paced along the line of brothers. "He owns the city. Until I say so, there will be no venturing to the surface. You are all lucky to be unharmed."

"That ain't it," Raph piped up. "But they'll be bringin' the big guns, next time."

"Oh, I am well aware."

"Um...of which thing?" the nervous turtle questioned, exchanging glances to Raph and then Mikey.

Splinter raised his brows knowingly, and that was all it took for Donnie. The floodgates of his signature anxious chatter opened. He grabbed the edge of Mikey's shell and pulled him over into the spotlight with him, "I met someone over an online game and we started texting after a few weeks, and—and Leo found out and I said I would stop, but we never told you," he gestured toward their brother in blue, who refused to make eye contact, "so I told her that it was through and then Mikey somehow convinced me to go back on it," he sucked in a breath, and Mikey grinned uncomfortably, "and then we started talking again and I don't know why, but I went back there to her apartment building and it was just…stupid."

There was a cumbrous pause. Donnie was stiff as a board, Mikey couldn't look at any one thing too long, Leo stood in his polite but awkward stance, and Raph started to whistle.

As poised as ever, Splinter spoke. "I know."

All four pairs of eyes shot to their father.

"What?"

"Uh..."

"Huh?"

"Wait."

They expressed their collective confusion at the same time, and Splinter chuckled. Donnie wanted nothing more than to be able to retreat into his shell, but that was physically impossible. "Nothing gets past me, especially not you and your nervous habits, Donatello. You are scratching that spot on your neck again, son."

Flinching, Donnie pulled his hand away. He'd be damned; Splinter was right.

But unbeknownst to them, there had been spectator of their fight on the roof that night.

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shh do not think too deeply about this my children

a/n: haha plot device go brrrr

i need to finish this cursed fanfiction