#I'm awake at 2am and making it everyone else's problem

[restinslices]

For how it seemed I should've stayed and let you be Run into my heart so carelessly That's the reason I'm afraid You're the thought that can't be tamed And I'm trying to be sane

[spywhitney]

Why I'm Not Buying New Tickets for the Sydcarmy Train (For Now Anyway)

So yesterday I re-watched S3 (aside from EP10. I didn't feel like watching Sydney having a panic attack again) so I can write this with a fresher perspective.

For a little context, S3 dropped at 2am Thursday for where I was and I couldn't get to sleep because A) I was so excited to watch it and B) It was more hot than usual so that kept me awake so I watched it all immediately.

My main stance is not that I don't necessarily doubt sydcarmy will happen, but rather I don't like the idea of it as much as I did before S3. Now, to my points:

Season 4 May Be the Last Season I believe it will be, or if we're lucky (???), an extra season. With how the story has gone thus far, and how the actors are being catapulted into the spotlight, I doubt there will be time for a satisfying sydcarmy ending.

Carmen Is No Longer Attractive as a Male Lead

The bear is a show of flawed characters that we can all connect, sympathise and root for in one way or another.

I had a hard time finding the Carmy from the previous seasons, or enough of the good traits that made him sympathetic enough for me to overlook his unsavoury ones. The yelling, ignoring, the disrespect, the arrogance, the abandonment, the neglect (and whatever else I haven't said) directed at Sydney (and everyone else, but she gets the worst of him the most often) doesn't make me want to see them kiss.

The first word that came to mind is gross. Could you imagine if a friend explained what Sydney has went through with Carmen then revealed they're getting into a romantic relationship with him? There's a certain ick factor that can't be undone completely by longing stares, chemistry and hundreds of analysis posts for me.

If being around your "soulmate" is leading to deteriorating health, it's not worth it. Smells too much like struggle love to me, and I'm not fond of the implications of that.

Dwindling Faith in the Execution of Sydney’s Character I held an expectation that S3 will be heavily focused on Sydney, but she was side-lined once again, and not for characters or arcs that I and a lot of viewers wanted to see. (Not to mention how this season was in general).

This season was mostly rising action and conflict, and with that we've seen Sydney at her lowest and have to wait to see if she will be victorious before the end (the word victory was first said by Sydney and one other person so far in the show, so I hope that's a good sign).

I don't want to sit through watching a black woman be a workhorse/emotional support/"work wife" to a white guy, or just anyone really. There was microscopic if non-existent reciprocity or at the bare minimum acknowledgement of what Sydney has done for everyone and the restaurant (and not just from Carmen).

Carmen Has to Change More Than Sydney Does His flaws far out weigh the severity of Sydney's. With S3, him not being okay is making Sydney not be okay, this is something I was concerned about in S2 with all the parallels, while some are sweet/romantic, others like the throwing up, the ticket machine and now the panic attacks, are too largely negative to be overlooked.

Saying that Sydney is becoming Carmen is not a stance I agree with (or want to believe), but for the show so far he's been giving her more problems, more stress and not enough care, respect, love to make up for it. Sydney has a flaw of not being vulnerable and expressing herself. It affects herself and her relationships with others, but not to the point where they're worse of. Carmen's flaws are negatively affecting Sydney's health, while despite her flaws, Sydney's strengths positively affect Carmen without fail. See where the problem is? Sydney has nothing to gain (and so far, has gained nothing substantial) from being around Carmen in any capacity, while Carmen has continued to benefit from her presence.

Again, it's kind of hard to root for them when romance involves people who compliment each other, make each other better. "You make me better at this." This is certainly true for Carmen, but Sydney? I don't see how this has been illustrated, or at most to a significant extend to where the negative aspects of their dynamic are out trumped. (Sidenote: At least Claire was getting lovingly touched and getting fucked by Carmen while Sydney was building up their dream restaurant alone. That's some nasty work.)

Sydney Deserves a Changed Carmen, Not a Struggling One Or a different love interest altogether. (Luca, where are you at? My condolences to the sydmarcus crowd, they really burned your ship in S2 then let it sink in S3.)

This connects to my very first point, but I don't think there will be enough time for Carmen to improve to be the man Sydney deserves. He also has yet to suffer the consequences for how he's treating Sydney. So far he has suffered at his own mind and trauma, but that's not enough for me. He has yet to pay his dues when it comes to Sydney, so the the idea that she will stay with him and The Bear and wait around for him to be and do better when she's been doing that three seasons straight doesn't sit right with me.

Like Sydney's gone through all that she's gone through (mostly due to Carmen) only for Carmen to be what she gets at the end? Eh, no thanks. (Especially if Sydney doesn't get loved up and taken care of by someone deserving, succeed professionally and win in general.)

Subtext, Glorious Subtext Last one. Whoop whoop! Being a sydcarmy has made watching this show so much better.

However, I can't be the only one who at times is getting tired of hyperfixating on subtext only for it to amount to nothing.

But, I have a few observations myself. I don't want Sydney to stay with Carmen/at the bear, I want her to leave. I have a feeling she won't but:

-In S3 EP5, when Sydney asked Carmen if he knew if Ever was special when he was there and I think he said he didn't, but Sydney said it was good he got to experience it.

-The only noteworthy Claire scene where she talks about the girl who fell into a glass table and laughed after the surgery, and Claire said she thinks the wounds didn't hurt yet. (And the scar on Carmen's hand. Is that from the pilot S1 episode when he grabbed the pan?)

-When it's revealed Terry is closing Ever, Richie presumes the reason is because she's depressed, but it's revealed she just didn't want to do it any more.

-The ever chef told Sydney if it wasn't for Terry closing he'd probably be there forever.

With these moments I like to think Sydney's arc is learning to move on, to not make "everything the thing". Carmen is the one who needs to stay at the bear, in one place and work on becoming himself with where he's at.

I may add onto this later, if you've read this far thank you, and I hope it was interesting. Links below are my rants on S3 and sydcarmy. Pretty sure you could decode the five stages of grief in them- I'm so dramatic lol.

This This And this

[notasweetnightingale]

It was 2am. How the hell was it already 2am? How the hell was it only 2am? Deziree should have been asleep at least 4 hours ago! Beauty sleep was a highly valued commodity when you could no longer afford Botox and the 111SKIN Celestial Black Diamond Eye Cream. Why wasn't she sleeping?!?!

Ah, that's right. She couldn't. Her stupid brain would not shut the fuck up. Every time she closed her eyes, something else reminded her of another something else, and another, and another, until her whole brain was very, very, very loud and oh-- were those tears?

The 111SKIN Celestial Black Diamond Eye Cream couldn't even save you from those. Not from the tears, or the necklace, or the kiss, or Charlotte La Bouff, or that other blonde, or--or-- Maybe she should dye her hair? Go Kardashian blonde or something. Oh my God, but the box dye! Ew! God, her life was so over!!

What would her mom say? Did it matter what mom would say? Eugh, of course it matter. It had been so long, and still, as ever, Deziree did not know who she was without mom's heavy stare and marked words.

She was basically a failure, if mom could call her something. All that practise to get a man, get money, have status, and here she was barely making her car payments and hung up on a no-name boy who was (at least in Deziree's eyes) interested in everyone and anyone. God forbid mom finds out about the buttons...

The truth was, despite her personal failings, she couldn't stop thinking about stupid Travis Montgomery in amongst how absolutely desperate she was to just fall asleep.

She couldn't help but think about that kiss, hidden beneath a dark veil in the corner of a party, or the necklace that was stuffed in a box at the back of a drawer. She couldn't help but think about the coffee, or the car ride, or... Anastasia puking in the back of said car. Ew! Way to ruin the moment again, Stas!

Deziree could only hope there wasn't another phone call to go pick her sister up tonight, because tiredness and driving wasn't a good combo, even if she could use someone's shoulder to cry on. She sure as shit wasn't going to wake up Ella at this hour.

It was 2am and Deziree was exhausted. She was hysterical. She was delirious okay?! Deziree did the unthinkable.

She picked up her phone, found his name, and hit record on what was only supposed to be a short, to the point voice note. "Hey, this is--"

Sniff.

"--This is gonna sound really stupid, but, like, um, do you remember that, uh, that one time that you came by to pick me up because Stas was a riot and you were like hey, anytime, no problem bestie? And there was coffee and you saw my-- nevermind! Not that point. The point is-- I don't know what the point is. The point is! That-- Look, I know it's like 3am and you're probably sleeping or off, I don't know, like making out with someone or fixing a car or something but I can't stop-- I can't-- I can't sleep."

Just enough pause for a deep inhale.

"I can't sleep and it's driving me nuts and I don't even know what I'm saying or why I'm even making this voice note or-- no. No, I do. You said if I needed you I should call you and... I know this isn't technically a call but..."

And an exhale.

"But if you're awake, I wouldn't mind..."

And thus, the voice note went on for a further 3 minutes, becoming no clearer as time went on.

Whoosh.

Turns out, holding your thumb on the record button for 5 minutes is quite tiring and... whoosh! The message sent the moment her too-tired finger was released.

Gasp.

The post-send clarity was a bit too real...

Oh no! Oh no, no, no! That wasn't supposed to send! Shit!! Shit, shit, shit, delete, delete, please del-- It's fine, he's not online! It's fine, this is-- wait-- he's online, why is he online?! Why is he online at 3 in the morning?! Deleeeeete!!

Deziree's heart-rate spiked well above safe levels when the read receipt lit up blue. The only thing she could possibly do was send another voice note to make it absolutely clear that he should not listen to the first voice note! (He'd seen it, she couldn't delete it yet. Then he'd know something was wrong!!)

"DON'T LISTEN TO THAT LAST MESSAGE IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO SEND IT WAS ACTUALLY AN ACCIDENTAL RECORDING AND IT'S NOT IMPORTANT!!!"

And another.

"You can just ignore it. Seriously! Everything is actually fine. Go back to sleep or fixing your car or whatever, just pretend you didn't even see anything. Bye! Goodnight! Fu--"

If her life wasn't already over, it certainly was now...

@but-theylovehim

[magpie-sherlock]

i live for life.

i live for the way the sun comes through my window in the morning, traveling through my suncatcher and spreading rainbows on all the things i put in here to make it finally, maybe feel like home.

i live for the little kid who laughs as she plays a game in karate, even though when she first started she was so shy she wouldn't even touch the punching bag i held out for her until the very end of class.

i live for my russian teacher, who knew me for five minutes and decided to dedicate her time to teaching a nervous teenager how to speak a foreign language.

i live for the boy i dated who complimented my legs while i was ranting about getting dress coded for wearing shorts on a day i was finally feeling confident, who's messing his life up somewhere far away now. i hope he turns out alright.

i live for the time my friend told me he's not even sure i exist, further adding evidence to the fact i might be some sort of cryptid or celestial being or something. you decide.

i live for the friends who drag me kicking and screaming into their friend groups, who are crazy and who show me so much love. i would do anything for them.

i live for my online friends, who saw me and thought i was cool. who tell me about their problems. i always listen, because dammit, these people deserve the best. i'll do anything for them too.

i live for the crows that always seem to follow me on my walks, for the birds i hear at 2am when i finally go to sleep. why the fuck are you still awake you lovely weirdos?

i live for the girl who tapped on my shoulder during lunch one day to compliment my dress, and when i turned around, said, "oh my gosh your eyes are so pretty." she was pretty too.

i live for the people who thought i was weird, who excluded me when i tried to make "normal" friends. for the people who judge me for my bullshit.

i live for the art i draw. for the art i see. for all the sketchbooks and wips and leetle doodles my friends have felt comfortable enough to show me. they're all beautiful. if someone gives me a drawing, i tape it to my wall. there are so many.

i live for the music i hear. every lyric sung. every note played. every single song i listen to and sing and obsess over. the earworms that drive me mad at all hours of the day.

i live for plants. those little fuckers grow everywhere. i wonder what would happen if we tried to plant one on mars. it would probably die, but fuck, it would try to grow. half the grass outside is dead right now. but there are flowers. dandelions. clovers. roses.

i live for animals. watching a dog chase its tail. watching a cat as it tries to catch a laser. a snake slithering across the arena while i'm trying to ride a horse. horses are majestic.

i live for people. everyone has a wonderful soul, and a wonderful brain, all encased in a fleshbag with other little bags inside of it. the human body is fucking crazy man. it all works together to make an individual. all 8 million people on this earth are their own individual. no-one is completely the same as someone else. isn't that crazy?!

i live for rocks. shiny ones, dull ones. geodes are pretty. i also like sliced rocks. diamonds are formed through millions of years of pressure and heat. emeralds are so pretty; they're the rarest.

i live for every single thing on this planet. every little thing that makes up one big thing. there are bad things. it hurts my heart. some days, i don't want to get up. but i'm alive. God decided i get to wake up today, so i'm going to do it. i'm going to get up and do something. even if that something is get some water, put on my flower crown, and sit back down. because there are so many things here, so many people. so many souls, constantly changing this world for the better. simply by being themselves.

I LIVE. FOR LIFE. FOR EVERYTHING.

[robotslenderman]

It's 2AM and I'm Awake so I'm making it everyone else's problem with a rant about radiology.

Specifically, my biggest pet peeve about this job, which is other radiology professionals who don't know the difference between a radiologist and a radiographer

I don't expect the average person to know the difference because of how similar the terms are, but people who have my specific job or something related - I ran into them all the time and they still didn't fucking know and it led to a lot of bullshit.

To be specific, a radioGRAPHER works with images (graph). Radiographers take Xrays and CTs and MRIs. Their job is essentially customer service so they're pretty down to earth. No matter how busy these guys are they're almost always polite.

Enter the radiologists.

These guys are the opposite. They literally work alone in a dark room like Gollum. I wouldn't be surprised if half of them were coked up given some of their workloads - some of them slam back studies like frat boys with shots. RadioLOGISTS (ology) studythe images and make diagnoses. Often the radiographer will spot a break or that something is off, but the radiologist is the one who ultimately is responsible for the formal diagnosis and the one who gets in trouble if something is missed.

The reason why it's important to know the difference is because three out of ten radiologists agree that the other seven in ten are batshit unhinged. I'm not exaggerating, roughly three out of ten radiologists are absolute sweethearts and the other seven are off the fucking planet, there is no in between and the extremes are generally EXTREME. They're complete fucking primadonnas. I've had radiologists refuse to do their jobs for the pettiest of bullshit. I've had radiologists fuck off in the middle of the day, brazenly announcing they're going to swim in the pool for a few hours, and face no consequences because there's a shortage and they can do whatever the fuck they want. I've had radiologists completely fail to turn up to their shifts with no consequences because again, they know they are irreplaceable. I worked with one guy I'm pretty sure had dementia who was being actively investigated and another dude who sounded drunk every time I talked to him. They get away with behaviour that would have any minimum wage worker fired in three seconds. SOME OF THEM HAVE MULTIPLE FULL TIME JOBS AND ARE ROLLING IN IT WHILE GETTING READY FOR THE INEVITABLE STROKE THEY'RE GONNA GIVE THEMSELVES.

Even the nicest radiologists hate being interrupted and even when it's your job to interrupt them, many are prone to tantrums if you interrupt them. My senior boss described managing them as akin to being a mother, but I think it's more accurate to say it is like nannying rich kids. You can discipline your own children. With rich kids, you can't - you have to trick them into doing what you want them to do because if they throw a tantrum you'll be the one disciplined.

Anyway this is a long winded way of saying that the reason why radiology professionals not knowing the difference between radiologists and radiographers is because of the sheer fucking number of times I've had conversations that went basically like this:

Me: Hey receptionist, the images your radiographer sent us have problems, but these are a bit too complicated for me to relay to them through you. Could I have a word with them?

Receptionist who works in radiology and should know better: He's not available but I can put you through to the head radiologist?

Me, immediately getting a mental image of a coked up Gollum and getting flashbacks to the last time a radiologist bit my head off for daring to speak to them, except this one has a crown and is even crankier and even more unhinged because this the King Radiologist: WHY THS ALMIGHTY FUCK WOULD YOU PUT ME THROUGH THAT?!?

Receptionist: ????

This exchange is paraphrased, imagine me saying the same thing but in professional language and tone of voice.

Anyway. This inevitably ends up in a lot of confusion as they give me a heart attack and I try to talk them out of putting me through, but they're super confused and can't understand why I'd ring up and tell them to do something and freak out when they try to do it, until their inevitable confusion clues me into the fact that somehow this person made it into the radiology department without actually knowing what the difference between the two is, so I ask them what they think the "radiologist" does and it turns out that they're just trying to get me in touch with the head radiographer. It's even worse when I'm talking to a doctor because they should definitely know better.

Anyway. That's my rant for the day. Radiologists will drive you to drink.

They're definitely like kids though, in that they're little shits that will put you through the wringer but fuck if you don't develop some sort of Stockholm syndrome and start missing the fuckers when they're gone. At my current job one of the radiologists is even more unhinged than I'm used to (DM if you want to hear a story which would get you fired from literally any other job if you did it, but I don't want to doxx myself) and I'm genuinely sad that I won't have to wrangle the bastard even though I know he'd give me a god damn stroke from having to put up with his bullshit.

[bbybearcubbs]

How does someone manage to piss off someone else before that other person is even aware they're awake???

I just became aware of the world around me for 30 seconds max and you've already managed to make me wish my heart stopped while I was asleep. Because why are you mad at me for you having to iron your own son's school pants??? You're mad you have to iron it even though you gave yourself that task??? You said yourself that you'd handle the ironing of clothes since everyone else had other things to get ready for in the morning.

"That phone you love so much? You go loose it. Because you really pissing me off." EXCUSE YOU?!?

WHAT THE FUCK DOES MY PHONE HAVE TO DO WITH ANY-FUCKING-THING???

Idk if you haven't realized but when was the last time you could complain about the floors being dusty? When was the last time you could complain about the dishes being dirty? When was the last time you could complain about the stove being dirty (right after food was finished being made mind you) When was the last time you could complain about dirty clothes? Or the closest being a mess? Or not finding your shoes under the bed?

I'm stuck at home with the two youngest kids NOT EVEN BY CHOICE and I make it a point to try and keep the place and tidy and neat as possible for 24 hours EVERY DAY because YOU REFUSE to take me to go apply for jobs! I can't do that on my own because I don't have a fucking cent to my name and to get to town I need money because transport costs money!

Don't start ranting early in the mornings as if I haven't been doing shit the entire time I'm home! The only motherfucking thing I don't do is cook and it's only because #1 - I fucking can't and #2 - I'm scared I'll end up wasting ingredients if I tried cause we're broke as fuck, which is no ones fault but you and our moms, and I don't wanna waste anything.

You're recalling the ONE TIME I didn't do the dishes on time in the last month and 2 weeks and blaming it on a phone I didn't have until a week ago?!? You're upset because in the rush of constantly cleaning, dealing with screaming kids on behalf of my mother so she can rest after work and my own screaming mind that never shuts the fuck up, I didn't secure my brothers school pants? Okay yeah I could've hung it up but I didn't think of that, yk why? Cause I was thinking about the living room I needed to clean and the kitchen I needed to clean and the clothes I needed to wash

I forced myself into a sleep schedule so I can do things at a more convenient time for everyone else even though it fucking kills me to be doing anything during the damn day. I work better in the late hours but that's not convenient so I tried to fix the problem and you apparently don't see that. I was up doing chores at 1-2am because our pipe lines suck and we never get running water every day so I needed to refill everything in the house while I could. I also needed to wash as much clothes as possible before they water left. I went to bed at 3 in the fucking morning after having maintained a sleep schedule that has me knocked tf out by 12am.

I was a fucking MESS the next day but STILL managed to follow the fake routine I'd built up. Nothing I do is a routine. I have to actively make the decision to do all those things because adhd is a fucking bitch. And maybe I do rush some days to get back on my phone but that's because I have to play housewife as the oldest kid and haven't left my house beyond going to the shops in the neighborhood twice a week AT MOST. I'M LOOSING MY FUCKING MIND HERE YOU PRICK!!!

Why do I have to walk on eggshells in my own house around my own father because he's a narcissistic, selfish, dumbass??? I'm not supposed to make any mistakes at all??? Name five fucking things I did in the past month that you can consider a problem and I'll stfu.

[unhealthy-netflix-tings]

𝕻𝖗𝖔𝖒𝖕𝖙 𝕷𝖎𝖘𝖙

Request with a character from this list or a celeb.

D/Number for dialogue prompt

A/Number for action/scene prompt

Dialogue:

"What did you do?"

"Who did you do?"

"Who was it?"

"You look...stunning."

"You could've died."

“I hate to say I told you so, but...” “That’s a lie.”

“Is that a hint of jealousy I detect?”

“You weren’t supposed to hear that” “God gave me ears for a reason.” "And he gave me a foot but you don't see me kicking people."

“Have you slept at all this week?”

"I’m just lonely today, I guess.”

“I don’t remember asking for your opinion.”

“You don’t want to hear what I really think.”

“Just forget it, never mind.”

“This is definitely not what it looks like.”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“Shush, we’ll get caught,”

“We’re not just friends and you fucking know it.”

“Please don’t cry. I can’t stand to see you cry.”

“Stay with me.”

“Walk out that door and we’re through.”

“Well? Yell, scream, say something. Anything.”

“I can’t breathe.”

“I hate how much I can’t hate you.”

“Why are you so jealous?”

*Dramatic gasp* "Is the great ____ ____ actually jealous?

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“You make me feel.. you make me feel. And I hate it.”

“If we get caught, I’m blaming you.” “Lovely.”

“You’re burning up.”

“Go back to bed.”

“Oh God, I need a drink.”

“You’re gonna have to pay for that.”

“Please tell me that’s paint.”

“Could I get some more _____?”

“How about we put down the guns and have a nice conversation for once, eh?”

“Words can’t describe how much I want to be with you.”

“We may have a problem.” “You’re bleeding.” “That’s the problem.”

“It’s okay, you’re safe now.”

“Can you walk?”

“People are staring.” “Let them.”

"Don’t lie.”

“Stay with me, please.”

“I’m going to take care of you, okay?”

“Talk to me. Please. I need you to talk to me.”

“Don’t touch me.”

“I don’t want to see you ever again.” “You don’t mean that.” “I think I do this time.”

“Do you trust me?” “Always.”

“Stay awake!”

“Do you like that?”

“I need you.”

"I don’t care about her/him. I care about you.”

“You went too far this time,”

"In this world, the only people who can stay together are Sonny and Cher." "They broke up in the seventies." "Not in my mind, they didn't."

"Try it and see what happens."

"I wouldn't sit on my lap in that outfit."

"Y'know I'm attracted to you." "My foot is attracted to your ass."

"I think I love them." "Yeah, no shit."

Actions

My ex showed up to this party/bar help me make them jealous

We hate each other but (authority figure) put us together to do this thing and have you always looked that attractive?

You ended up being my sparring partner and now you're on top of me and I don' want you to move.

We accidentally pissed the wrong people off and you pulled me into this alley/closet and you're very close rn

We're staying somewhere together and oh no there's only one bed.

Our ____ is making us go to this event together and damn you look amazing

We bumped into each other and got angry but why are you now at this party?

We're neighbours with a connecting wall and I thought you were doing something else but why are you jumping on your bed?

Someone framed me and no one trusts me until a bullet goes through me and that's a lot of blood.

I’m dying and I’m confessing my love for you

Kissing in the rain and getting soaked before running inside laughing

I fell asleep on your lap and did you braid my hair?

One of us confessed our feelings angrily and we’re about to kiss but we get interrupted

We're not supposed to be together but if we keep hiding, someone's gonna realise.

You're sadly my last option so go to this wedding so my family stops trying to force me with someone

You’re in a coma and I confess all my feelings only for you to wake up

Our mutual decided their sick of us arguing and when they locked us in a room together this wasn't supposed to happen

You’re my new bodyguard and you’re cute.

You’re my ex but I think I still have feelings for you

We were just cuddling but you said you love me and now Idk what to say

Help me I’m being hit on at a bar please be my fake boyfriend for a second

We literally ran into each other

You’re leaving for something dangerous and I can’t help but kiss you

We were supposed to paint the house but I just splashed green paint on you and you're not impressed.

Everyone thinks I should stay away from you because you’re dangerous but I just saw you do something cute

Spin the bottle

Friends with benefits and both people catching feelings.

We’re dating and I didn’t know you were a mobster/biker

Everyone thinks we’re already dating, but we’re just best friends- oh wait

I'm gonna save you from the shitshow date you're having with no ulterior motive whatsoe- wait

Taking care of the other when sick or injured

I’m your new neighbour and I got locked out, help!

You took a bullet for me

Argument leading to kissing/sex

I called you at 2am because I need you

You caught me doing something dangerous and flipped out

I’m scared but won’t admit it so you take my hand

[bettsfic]

hey betts, i was just wondering (based on a recent reply), have you always needed more than 10 hrs sleep to feel rested? just bc i've realised recently i'm a "long sleeper" (i'm p sure its not vitamin deficiency) and my 9-5 is ruining my life lol and would like to commiserate with others like me :P sorry for the weird/possibly invasive question, feel free to ignore

oh goodness, yes i will absolutely commiserate with you. unfortunately i don’t have a solid answer for myself because i’m still figuring it all out. in 2014 i was diagnosed with “hypersomnia” (which i call narcolepsy because everyone knows what narcolepsy is and the symptoms are virtually the same), which, to quote my doctor, meant, “you’re just a really sleepy person.”

the results of my sleep test were intense. it was an 8 hour daytime test in which i took five 20-minute naps over the course of the day, and they measured how quickly i hit REM sleep. a normal person should not be able to hit REM during the day in twenty minutes. not only did i hit REM every single time, in the third nap, which was well past noon, i hit REM in 11 seconds. i also cheated on the test and took illegal naps between scheduled ones. 

but hypersomnia never really felt right to me. the diagnosis got me where i needed to be, which was working from home 10am - 7pm, but i knew there was something else wrong. i spent 2014 experimenting with my energy levels and fixing my disordered sleep. prior to my diagnosis, i slept from 2am - 6am and 5pm - 8pm. on the weekends i slept midnight - noon or 1pm. it was horrible. my doctor told me i had poor sleep hygiene, but offered no treatment or assistance to rectify it. 

what happened was that over time i realized i had been existing in an extreme sleep deficit. since i was 6 years old, i remember being ungodly tired. i knew i had a problem when a coworker told me, “you should want to be awake,” and it was like sirens going off. i had never, in nearly 20 years, wanted to be awake. if you had asked me at any point “if you could do anything right now, what would you be doing?” i would always, always want to be sleeping. 

i slept 10 to 11 hours almost every night for six months-ish, and sometimes napped during the day. i felt like i’d been making up for all the hours of sleep i’d missed my entire life. eventually it kind of fixed itself. i slept 6.5 to 8 hours a night, felt tired naturally, woke up naturally, and didn’t get tired during the day (most of the time). i became acutely aware of the dips in energy i had throughout the day (4pm - 5pm has always been hard for me).

but then in 2017 i was diagnosed with PTSD, and that shined a new light on the sleep disorder, which i see now as a symptom of something much bigger. the amount of fear or anxiety i face in a day is directly correlated to the number of hours i need to sleep. so with a new job, i’ve needed much more sleep than usual, until my body stops being in this weird survival mode. (one of the worst triggers for me is feeling trapped, so i always drive myself everywhere i go in case i need to nap in my car or run away)

mostly the task has been listening to myself all the time. when monkey brain says to sleep, i do, even if human brain says “it’s 2pm!! wake!!” but it’s very hard to listen to your monkey brain when you’re living in a world where everyone tells you your tiredness/fatigue is laziness and you just need to get up and go for a walk. 

[phys-psy-disabled]

These won't work for everyone because everyone is different, but as someone with ADHD, autism, anxiety, depression, and C-PTSD, I've had consistent sleep problems since I was about 16. And the biggest things that have helped me are:

1. Using blue-light filters on my phone and computer that turn on automatically in the evening.

2. Taking ADHD meds, which give me enough dopamine during the day that my brain is not still craving it as much at night. That's something my ADHD doctor told me causes sleep problems for many people with ADHD, because when our brains don't produce enough during the day, we don't get the normal decrease in the evening that's supposed to help signal the brain that it's time to sleep.

3. Only using bedding and wearing clothes that "feel right" for sleeping. I just realized how much this affects me less than a year ago, but some of my worst insomnia happens when my sheets or my pajamas are uncomfortable to me, and I can't just relax and "check out" mentally because the sensations keep me awake. For me, I'm most comfortable sleeping in fitted exercise pants and with sheets that are not "silky," and because my feet get very cold, I have to wear crew socks that cover a little ways above the ankle so there's not a gap between them and my pants as I move around. These are just examples of the type of thing to consider, because until recently I didn't notice how much these bothered me because I thought they "shouldn't." But "shouldn't" never helped me fall asleep!

4. I take an antidepressant and a vitamin supplement that make me sleepy about 30 minutes after I take them, and that lasts about 30 minutes before it goes away. So I take them both right before I'm ready to go to bed, and that gives me a little time to relax and read or something until the sleepiness kicks in, and then I can usually fall asleep within the next 30 minutes while it lasts. It doesn't make me so sleepy that I have to fall asleep, but if I've wound down and done everything else to be prepared for sleep, it adds enough of an edge to make me want to sleep most of the time. This is another thing where the specifics won't apply to everyone. But if melatonin supplements or "stronger" medications won't work for you for any reason (which they don't for me), you can sometimes find little workarounds that give you just enough of a "sleepy" boost to do the job. It took some trial and error for me to figure out how to use the mild side effects of my necessary meds and supplements to my advantage, but it also saves me the complication of adding a whole new medication or supplement with its own side effects.

Having dealt with insomnia and a delayed body clock for years, I can say that there's probably no fool-proof way to never ever experience sleep problems again. But there are often ways to reduce how much or how often you experience them. And being able to get to sleep between midnight and 2am instead of between 5am and 8am, or only having one week of bad nights per month instead of three weeks per month, is still a huge improvement that makes a difference. Don't hold it against yourself for not having a "normal" sleep schedule; it's my opinion that any night you can get a decent amount of sleep is a good night. :)

Hi. I'm turning anon because frankly, I'm a bit afraid to admit publicly I have a problem. But do you have any tips for fixing my sleep habits? I've been sleeping from 8am-noon, and I don't like it. -rose without a thorn anon

Nah I mean the only reason I sleep is because I always take antipsychotics at 9PM. Before that my sleep schedule was shit too. So the only suggestion I got is antipsychotics and I know that isn't exactly an option for everyone

[den-xerw-giati-uparxw]

I'm in love

It was 9am and Dan was just staring at his bedroom's ceiling. He wasn't thinking of something specific, million thought were drilling his mind trying to make him go crazy at least for a bit today. He didn't want to, but he was certain that today wasn't going to be a good day for him. He had a feeling that he might do something so stupid or accidentally reveal his love to his best friend Phil and destroy their relationship. 4 days ago they were in America doing their first live show called "The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire" and now they are back in London. Dan took a deep breath and shook his head, he then realised that it was 9am.he got off bed and opened his bedroom's window and when he wore a black plain t-shirt and a pair of jeans and opened his door He went to the kitchen and saw Phil trying to figure out what to eat for breakfast " good morning Dan"said and smiled at him "Oh Good morning to you too Phil" Dan replied " *pause*Are you okay ? You seem like you didn't sleep at all." Said Phil, it was true Dan had barely gotten any sleep the previous night. His mind couldn't 'shut up', he hated when that happen "Yeah I am , I'm just still a little bit tired that's all" said and smiled at Phil "Okay then...what do you want to eat for breakfast?" "Its okay I'll make it on my own, but thanks anyway" "Okay , I'm going to make a cup of coffee and eat a cupcake" said Phil "Well I dont know if I want to eat breakfast ,to be honest I fell like my stomach is going to explode, if I eat something "  said Dan "Yeah but you have to eat something. Last time you ate properly  was 2 days ago when we were having breakfast. You're last proper meal was breakfast and we're eating breakfast now." Said Phil cautious about his friends body's and mental health. "Jeez Phil your not my mother and I'm not a little boy but, okay calm down I'm gonna eat a Apple and brink a cup of coffee." Said Dan and felt bad and strange about what he just said he didn't expect of Phil to react like that "L-look I'm sorry Dan, it's just I care about you and I'm worried. If you don't want to eat don't eat. You're right it's none of my business...either you it or not it would be the same for me." Lied Phil, of course and it was his business, he loved Dan and he wanted him to be healthy ,so even though they would never be together they could be happy and live their lives as friends. "No I'm sorry..." Then both Dan and Phil sat down and ate their breakfast without talking at all. 15 minutes later they finished and Phil washed the two cups. Dan was about to left the room when Phil spoke "Wait Dan, fans have uploaded vlogs when they were on our live show. Do you want to sit and watch their reaction with me?" "Emh...sure? Why not?" "Okay" They then took two small bottles of water and went to their recording room "So we'll watch some vlogs and then record a gameplay or edit something?" Asked Phil "I don't really know to be honest...I don't know if I want to record a gameplay right now." "Okay we'll just edit for half an hour and when we'll just binge watch a anime" said  Phil and smiled at the youngest man "Yeah I think that would be nice" Dan mumbled And so they did, but instead of editing for hald an hour or so they started editing a gameplay from the start ,it took them 4 whole hours and since today they had to upload a video they watched it for 2 or 3 time to be sure it's perfect and the uploaded it into their gaming channel. Dan really enjoyed doing things with Phil but he lately felt like he wasn't enough, he felt like Phil was 'taking care' of him because that was the 'right' thing to do and he actually felt like he was only an obstacle in Phil's life. I mean come one, would Phil even believe him if he said that he was in love with him? No! Their fans forced the ship right into their faces way  too much and Dan was certain that Phil would never believe him. [...] Now it's about 10pm and they just finished watching 2 season of an anime they found the other day "Wow we watched anime for 3 straight hours."said Dan and looked around to focus on something else despite the laptop screen on his lap "Yeah and the and anime  was so great and funny" said Phil and stood up and turned on the  lights "Yeah it was." Admitted Dan "Phil....stop with the light " he said and they both started laughing "Okay so do you want something to eat?" Asked Phil and closed the laptops screen "Not really, I just want to go to sleep. I don't know why I just feel really exhausted for some reason today and I've done nothing" "Okay and I can understand we all have our good and bad days, our ups and downs don't worry and go get some sleep. I'll probably do the same" said Phil and smiled at Dan "Okay that was sweet and cheesy at the same time but thanks. I  really appreciate it" said Dan and smiled back at Phil warmly and went to his bedroom , closed the door behind him and just lied in bed. Phil was really confused, he couldn't really understand his best friend's behaviour but he didn't want Dan to feel more weird and uncomfortable. It was true everyone had their ups and downs but Dan had them too many times. Yeah he had existential crisis but this wasn't Phil's problem, his problem was that Dan had these crisis say too many times per week and he was worried for him. Phil finally made himself fall asleep around 3am. [...] When Dan opened his eyes and saw the alarm clock by the side of his bed it was 7am in the morning. He stood up and walked to the closet. Put on some clothes took his jacket and phone and then silently made his way to the doorway. He felt really bad that he was about to attempt to run away from his apartment and from Phil but he felt even more uncomfortable when Phil was around and when he was trying to take care of him because he pittied him. So he did it , he unlocked the flat's door and c left the house  without saying anytning or without letting a note for Phil and then he left the whole building. It was really early in the morning for him to wake up or to even go outside but he knew that Phil usually wakes up around 9am so it would be easier. As always the weather was bitter, what did he except? It was 7am and he loves in London. "God it's chilling...I should have brought somethingelse with me" For over three hours he did nothing but walking around like he was a lost tourist that couldn't  go to Big Ben even if they could see it was like 4-5miles away. Then he just sat to a bunch to a park and just started listening to music. It's was 10am and Phil had just woke up . . He went to the kitchen and made a cup of coffee, then he cleaned the mess he made with the sugar and went to the lounge and just started scrolling down his social media and then the YouTube comments on his channel and their gaming channel. At first Phil didn't find it weird that Dan hadn't walked out of his bedroom because it was 10am and then 11am. He started worrying when it was around 2pm and Dan wasn't awake or showing and signs of being alive. He went outside Dan's door and knocked "Dan? Are you alright? *pause* are you sleeping? *sigh* it's almost 2pm , look I know yesterday was a bad way for you and I totally understand really but you have to live with  some seemingly unbearable things just like I have to do the same" said Phil and a sad expression replaced his happy one. "Okay I'm sorry but I'm coming in" said and opened the door to see an empty room, Dan wasn't anywhere. Phil rushed out of Dan's bedroom and went to the lounge, he picked his phone up and rang Dan's number. Dan didn't pick up the phone instead he rejected Phil's call "Come on Dan....where the hell are you?" Said Phil and say on the sofa Dan put his on mute and put in on his jacket pocket and started walking down the road without knowing where exactly to go Fastforword to 3 hour later when Phil is still in the apartment totally freaking out "I've called Dan 6 times, I've left him quite a lot of messages ( they were 20) okay I get that this might annoy him but why isn't he answering to his phone? It's not like he said he'd be off or something like that. He just disappeared without letting me know with at least a sticky note" said Phil kinda desperate. Dan felt really bad that he hadn't answer to any of Phil's calls or messages 6 hours later. *voice message* "Hey Dan, its 11pm and look I'm sorry if I did something  yesterday or in general, you know that I don't think too much when I do things around you. I'm sorry if I'm annoying you right now.....*pause* but you know what? No I'm not sorry at all. I care about you Dan, more than you think I do and if you don't want to talk to me just send a message or something. If you hate me just let me know okay? So I can know that your alive, I won't get over it easily but it would be nice to know why you run off without saying anything" Dan wanted to call Phil and let him know that he was alright but he thought that Phil would be extremely angry with him. It was 2am when he continued to walk and walk but this time he knew exactly where to go, back to the apartment and face an angry Phil that will scream at him. It took him an hour and a half to get back to their building. He took the elevator and opened the apartment door slowly. He silently made his way to the 3rd floor and saw the lounge's door open, we stepped inside and what he saw was Phil covered with a blanket and laying down on the sofa and staring at the celieng without any specific expression. "Hey....." Dan whispered at looked down "Oh my god you're alive! Thanks God. Dan!" Said Phil  Dan's voice put him back to reality because it was what he expected to hear for the last 7 hours "Phil I'm so so sorry..." said Dan because he couldn't think of anything else to say "look I know yesterday was a bad way for you and I totally understand really "Phil couldn't finish his sentence because he  started to tear down "Phil don't cry please, this is all my fault, I know and I feel awful aboit it. My mind want blank and I didn't know what else to do. But I really Am sorry I did something like that"said Dan and sat on the sofa right next to Phil. He really didn't know what to say, he knew it was entirely his fault that Phil was crying, it was his fault that he let his mind take over him, he was the one that wasn't answering his phone calls , he was the one that run away for 14 hours and made Phil feel sick,extremely worried and helpless. But after all he always was a disappointment and he would always be one. " *sniff*Dan, I care about you, more than you think I do but if you really hate me that much you can just say it. We said from the start that we would be honest when something bother us, of course you wouldn't tell me all your secrets and I wouldn't tell you all mine but if you hate me please tell me that right into my face" said Phil and wipped his tears "Phil, are you serious of course and I don't hate you. How would I hate my *pause* best friend?" ""Dan, you have to live with  some seemingly unbearable things just like I have to do the same. Okay? It might seem that you can't do it but eventually you'll learn how to live with him-it. Now I know I will sound like a parent but you have to face your problems and fear and not run away from them"said Phil and looked Dan right into the eyes "What do you mean "just like I have to do the same"?..." "Well uhm.... I wnat to say something actually..." said Phil and started looking around "I want to say something to you too..." said Dan and Phil stopped looking around "Do you want to say it together?" Asked Phil trying to make the atmosphere less awkward "Actually no...I don't think we want to say the same...can I start at least?" Said Dan "Sure" replied Phil and he would feel his heart because he didn't know what Can was about to say "Phil Lester we are friends for over 7 years now and I don't know how to thank you enough for being by my side to every stupid existential crisis I had in the past, I can't thank you enough for the moment that you made me laugh, I can't thank you enough for the joy that your bringing into my life by simply talking to me about games or anime everyday, I chat thank you enough for just listening me to me rant and mumbling all day" said Dan and a tiny laughter escaped his lips "Well I do t know what to say. Just thanks for being my friend, thanks for never letting me down,thanks for never stop believing in me and thanks for never turning your back on me" D&P:I'm in love with you When these small but really powerful words escaped their lips and immediately just hugged and smiled at one another "Thanks for everything Phil" "Thanks for everything Dan" ~THE END~