#I'm actually really sad about it because there is very little political engagement in my town in general

[greatspacedustbin]

Someone took down all the EU election posters in my town 😩😩😩. (well, only 4 out of 10+ possible parties were represented so far, but still)

Like.... what are you trying to achieve here? Don't want people to vote? Jealous that you didn't think of putting up a poster yourself? Hope that people won't vote for left and centre parties? Grow up.

[is-this-yuri]

i've been thinking about small talk recently.

i don't like small talk about the weather because, being homeless, the weather is a serious topic for me. it effects me more directly and intensely than other people who have climate controlled homes and workplaces. the way people talk about serious weather like blizzards and tropical storms is how i talk about rain and humidity. there's a disconnect there, and if i were to talk about the weather honestly during a bout of small talk, it could very easily be offputting to my conversation partner, which is counter to the point of small talk.

but that's because i'm homeless. i'm sure we all have personal hangups when it comes to small talk in some way. my example is just an extreme case.

here's the thing tho, i don't like small talk, but i engage in it anyway, because sometimes there can be nice moments where a real connection is made. especially with people i see regularly, like the service workers i interact with. there are people in my life who i know nothing about, not even their name, but at least i know they'll make a great sandwich for me, and i know they'll do their best because they recognize me and they appreciate that i'm nice to them. that's all there is to it.

it's a way to signal that i'm a safe person to talk to, not with the intent to continue into a friendship, but just to put them at ease when they see me, to remove the 'stranger/unknown/potentially scary' tag from over my head.

i saw a reply on a post that said small talk is basically like a dog wagging its tail to signal it's friendly. that can be a good analogy, but i would say it's more like when dogs sniff each others butts. maybe i don't want my butt sniffed today so i put my tail down and walk away. that's perfectly fine too. not everyone wants their butt sniffed.

i've learned that being fully honest and authentic during small talk with people you're not nessecarily going to be friends with isn't actually needed. i've learned not to really lie, but to give the bare minimum needed to get through the interaction. if they say 'i'm so glad it's finally raining, the plants really needed it' i wouldn't say 'actually i hate rain because i'm homeless.' i could just say 'eh, rain isnt my thing. good for the plants, though.'

it's important to be polite and considerate in public, and small talk is a very good skill to have and a lot less scary/difficult than some people make it out to be. granted, it took me 27 years to get to this point, but it's possible.

that said, i think some people make too big of a deal about small talk and connecting with strangers. it's just not that big of a deal. some people have bad days and go to the store with a scowl on their face and they ignore the cashier because they're just getting through the day. that's fine. it's fine if every day is like that for you (and as the cashier it's fine to think of them as a sad grumpypants, but not to be mean about it). maybe you just don't want your butt sniffed today for whatever reason. you're not causing physical harm to anyone by being a little grumpy or closed off, and simply not caring to make a connection of any kind with strangers is also fine. we don't all need to strive to be friendly all the time, but the benefits of it are there if we ever want them.

[whitehotharlots]

On one of the staggeringly large number of white lady academics who pretended to be not-white

In a sad attempt to keep up engagement, I've decided to post some things I wrote in personal correspondence over the last few years but never bothered to translate into full-fledge posts. Going through these emails, I was astounded at how much I've lost the ability to process the timeline of political events since COVID. Things that I would have sworn happened a couple of months ago actually happened 5 years ago; stuff that seems like ancient history was actually just from this past summer, etc. I think there's some value in recapitulating some of these events, give ourselves a chance to reflect on how much and how little things have evolved.

This piece was originally written in early 2021:

I'm not in STEM and I only pay as much attention to MeToo bullshit as I need to, so the MeTooSTEM movement and its drama passed me by. Basically, it was started or popularized by a lady neuroscientist named BethAnn McLaughlin. By early last year she began facing the type of predictable criticisms that inevitably wreck all leftist movements, regardless of legitimacy. Basically people agreed with her movement but were upset that she had too much of a leadership role, didn't center the correct voices, sometimes criticized people from more disadvantaged groups, etc. Here's a neat example, from the piece linked above:

Last month, McLaughlin tweeted angrily at Hontas Farmer, a transgender woman of color who teaches physics at the City Colleges of Chicago. In a thread about student–faculty relationships, Farmer noted that it would be “unenforceable to forbid relationships.” “Get off my time line with your pro-preying on students garbage,” McLaughlin responded. “Grown ups are talking. #STEMTrollAlert.”

While this lady seems like a vicious shithead, it's important to note that this type of behavior is common in woke discourses. It's the natural result of a morally certain culture is which all dissent is considered proof of evil. In this case, I happen to agree with the trans woman: while student-teacher relationships are gross, blanket bans are unenforceable and will most likely wind up harming the least empowered teachers. But this teacher's concerns were only allowed to stand because of her status as a trans woman--Laura Kipnis made the exact same argument several years ago, before the MeToo furor had really kicked off, and it nearly destroyed her career.

The point here is that no one is actually arguing for or against the merit or logic of certain positions; it's all jockeying over who is even allowed to have a position in the first place, and then demanding that everyone else defer to this person's position, which is automatically validated by their identity statuses.

Nothing in the Buzzfeed profile seems very damning or specific. I'm not a fan of MeToo, but we see here the same general hatred of strong leadership that seems to plague all left spaces. Arguments in regards to how funding should be spent and what actions should be prioritized--things that happen in literally any organization of more than a few people and can only be resolved by designating leadership--are presented in terms of bodies and spaces and centering voices and yada yada yada. Once again, it's not about the morality or efficacy of the actions taken by this organization. It's about whose identity imbues them with moral authority.

Buzzfeed seemed to have a particular hard on for this lady so they posted another piece in February of this year, documenting even more dysfunction in her movement. Again, she seems like a shithead and her movement's goals are usually not good, but the accusations against her were still vague, woke bullshit that amounted to people framing an organizational power struggle as a civil rights issue. And this is where things get interesting...

What does a white lady shithead do when she finds herself automatically unable to criticize people who fall above her on the hierarchy of oppression? Why, she pretends to be an indigenous lady shithead! She fabricated the existence of an ASU professor of Hopi descent who posted under the name of sciencing_bi. Sciencing_bi just so happened to agree with everything the white lady posted, and was fiercely protective of the white lady when she found herself getting attacked by non-white people.

But then, sadly, the made up Hopi professor succumbed to Lady Corona last week. Woke STEM twitter mourned her passing by angrily blaming ASU for their failure to protect employees of color. This caused ASU to release a statement saying that, uhh, no one has died and they have absolutely no idea what any of these lunatics are talking about.

Just--dear god. At what point does hubris give way and become delusion? How insulated must someone feel to believe that they can not only create but kill off a fictional persona whose primary utilitity is to brown-wash your own opinions?

These are the people who have become the morality police of the twenty twenties. These people are the ones who decide what you can or cannot say or believe. They are insane and and they are stupid, and they control our world.

[aeterna-auroral-avenger]

RG filmography movie suggestions 6/18

The Ides of March post-viewing commentary (recommended 2 times)

"Because that's what this comes down to, integrity. Who we are. Because how we project ourselves to the world matters. Dignity matters. Integrity matters. Our future depends on it."

I'll be honest, I knew very little about this movie, save for it had a really cool poster and it was about politics. And I honestly dreaded this one at first because I hate politics.

I mean I. Hate. Politics.

Don't get me wrong, I do my research and exercise my right and responsibility when it's time to hit the polls, but ugh. Outside of that time, politics do not exist in my world. Hence why I dreaded this one.

However...oh boy. Wow.

Sex, scandal, lies, and the decomposition of life and integrity for the sake of saving face and winning. For the sake of a career not going down the drain prematurely. Suspense and some really solid acting here. I was pleasantly surprised.

George Clooney directed, produced, and co-wrote the screenplay for this movie, and let's be real. There isn't anything I've seen George Clooney put his touch to that's been bad, and this fit into the mold. Throw a talent like Ryan in as your leading guy, and wow, you've got something.

And this was something.

Honestly, the ending really hit me the hardest.

Throughout the movie, I sympathized with Stephen Meyers (RG’s character) because while he did sign up to go into politics, he didn’t necessarily sign up for everything he ran into in all of this. But the ending was when I actually started to mourn for Stephen and how this whole thing played out.

Experiencing certain aspects of your worldview crumble before your very eyes and having to choose one bad choice over another bad choice just to keep your head above water sucks. And while on the outside it seems like he's ahead of the game at the end, when he hears someone he once admired speak so boldly about integrity after he and Stephen both pulled some unethical strings to stay ahead, you can see on Stephen's face how much he's lost.

While he’s contemplating all of this, how much he's actually lost, he's asked a question.

And we're left wondering what he said.

We know the story. We know what was planned to be said. But that sad look on his face just makes me wonder. I'm an optimist, and I'd know what I'd like to think. But I'm also a realist, and I heavily suspect I'd be wrong.

When you play politics, your hands get dirty and if you come clean, you have to pay for the washing.

Overall, this was a good movie. I was more engaged than I expected. It has a lot of great names in it too, and I thought this was written pretty well. Ryan, of course, knocked it out of the park. I was impressed.

I'll never watch this one again lol just because it's not my cup of tea. But if political drama is your thing, then go for it.

It's rated R for a reason, so if there are things that trigger you, I'd definitely recommend googling what topics it deals with because there's some tough stuff that could bother someone. Nothing gory or showing detail, but still. Take care of yourself and check first.

[mlobsters]

supernatural s9e18 meta fiction (w. robbie thompson)

i'm trying to not be negative and expecting something bad but my mood took a massive nosedive a few hours ago so we'll see

whatever thin excuse this was to get jackles in a not-impressive-water-pressure shower

looks like one of my kids drawings in crayon. i did like the sound effects on it when it was pulsating though (watch with headphones so i think i can appreciate the foley etc a lot more than i would otherwise). still could not give two shits about angel politics

i know the set decorators must be having fun (and i sincerely appreciate that they've moved away from the weird campy dividers that were always ridiculously over the top) but tiny vintage fridge and vintage stove :p

all right the hackery command line interface to open an image attachment made me laugh, thanks show

he looks good! i like the hair (which is mostly lighting). guess we're just handwaving that he was dead. ahh it was fake and he's a trickster, tada. not complaining per se, just again...

i don't have the brain cells to try to factor in what the whole metatron meta fiction bullshit implications are

GABRIEL Yeah, but I got hurt in the fall, too, used most of my juice to get back into porn. (pause) That came out wrong. So did that.

that was awkwardly delivered. to go with the awkward line

GABRIEL Hey, what's up, shorties? Remember me, the guy who died for your sins? No, not the cat with the beard and sandals… the hot one.

jesus-free christianity but we'll occasionally vaguely acknowledge he exists

GABRIEL Bitch, please. You've been God more often than Dad has. CASTIEL Yeah. Look how that worked out.

made me laugh

CASTIEL Well, we need a leader. And I'm happy it's gonna be you.

cas, remember what we talked about. make good decisions!

metatron meta fiction bullshit revealed and

not feeling it.

GADREEL He told you that he has always felt that way, that he thinks you are just a scared little boy who's afraid to be on his own because daddy never loved him enough? And he is right, isn't he? Right to think you are a coward, a sad, clingy, needy... DEAN Keep it up! GADREEL Pathetic bottom-feeder who cannot even take care of himself, who would rather drag everyone through the mud than be alone, who would let everyone around him die!

been a minute since someone pushed these buttons but with the extra bite of sam's rejection and whatever we're deciding the mark does

while i'm super tired of angel politics, i'm glad they have a good actor for metatron. he's making his part of it engaging, at least

dean is not a happy camper. sam and cas though are getting along swimmingly

i don't think i've ever heard this version of the sun ain't gonna shine anymore?? frankie valli apparently. i like it. more popular version is by the walker brothers. AND the cher version was very memorably used in the x-files episode post-modern prometheus

and unrelated to anything but every time that song gets to the line "when you're without love" i keep expecting "i did it my way"

anyway, good use of the song! i've really enjoyed a handful of licensed music choices the past couple? seasons

looking rather.... ~demonic~

every time i see it written as cass, i smile. because that's how people say it! cas would be caz. that's my fandom bugbear :P

i don't, again, have the processing power to think about the implications of this. god/metatron is writing the outline but how it's played out in the details can vary? i thought.... something... made free will an actual thing. no fate but what we make. ugh, that was too long ago for me to remember right now

[catty-words]

"i think the disconnect comes from the way fandom uses words like 'racist' to build cases about how it's Objectively Wrong for anyone to like a certain character" YES omg people say it like its an essentialist part of a character, like they did something shitty?? well that means they are a literal devil spawn and if you like them you are TRASH!!! but like is actually mostly an action (like you said, a BEHAVIOR)???? that people CAN get better and do better??

"giving the time of day to people who aren't engaging sincerely with the text" this is a great definition of what so many people do, i will definitely snuggle with my kitty in my echo-chamber in guilty-free now, thanks

"forced me to sit with that disappointment for over a year." yeah, i supposed i would feel similarly had i watched one season at the time too. personally because besides devi lack of agency, ben is just so off. paxton was the highlight, besides nirmala and aneesa, that made the season worth it, but like... i feel like season 2 ben is just there to suffer from beginning to end, if at least he was less of a victim of devi's cheating and more of a cunt about it i wouldnt feel so sad, but like you said, its like he had no defects that season and i'm like 😭😭 wheres my little shit from season 1? i dont know if i would survive sitting with season 2 ben for a year tbh you are so strong and resilient babe

"you may already know that i'm writing a long-form follow-up with 'bitty spark' acting as the prologue since it sounds like you picked through my blog a bit" i actually didnt cuz i tend to avoid wip fics like the plague unless i'm close friends with the author cuz then if they abandon the work i can just ask where they planned to go with and satiate my curiosity aksjwkajai but now that i know its the continuation of my fave fic of yours i went through the whole tag and i'm like. DESPERATELY NEEDING IT. like you've been working on it for ages frr you poor thing :(( but simultaneously i'm like IF SHE DOESNT POST LIKE ASAP IM FLYING OUT THERE AND PULLING HER FEET AT NIGHT 😡😡

"thank you for fueling my vanity and for stopping by my askbox in the first place!" no thank you for answering my question it was eating me alive, i just wanted to contextualize and make sure you knew i wasnt like a ben apologist who see him as someone who cant do no wrong but when you had questions of your own i just had to answer them pakspksosk and i love to fuel people's vanity!!! you deserve to be vain, you are giving great stories for nothing besides the shits and giggles!!! i have a hard time interacting in tumblr bc of some dumb insecurities but i just really had to answer you, i thought you would just politely and objectively answer my question but instead you gave me an opportunity to sing you praises without all my tumblr-ity baggage so... thank YOU.

this is a great definition of what so many people do, i will definitely snuggle with my kitty in my echo-chamber in guilty-free now, thanks - perfect. give your kitty a kiss on their perfect little head for me.

yeah, i supposed i would feel similarly had i watched one season at the time too. - mm-hmm, and most people i'm friends with in the fandom have similarly been in it since the beginning, hence my curiosity about your own experience. i'll never know what it's like to take in the series as a whole, it very much is divided up into Eras for me, and it excited/excites me greatly to hear someone else's perspective on the shifting tone.

i feel like season 2 ben is just there to suffer from beginning to end, if at least he was less of a victim of devi's cheating and more of a cunt about it i wouldnt feel so sad, but like you said, its like he had no defects that season and i'm like 😭😭 wheres my little shit from season 1? - dkjsbg exactly!!! 'where's my little shit from season 1', SUCH an important question to be asking!!!

i don't know if you read 'start, acceleration' (my fic where ben teaches devi how to drive), but i was in a scramble to finish it before season 2 dropped and, in retrospect, it's so important that i did (literally posted it the night before) because i can't imagine trying to complete it with s2 ben's characterization in my head. i would have been Distraught.

i dont know if i would survive sitting with season 2 ben for a year tbh you are so strong and resilient babe - and like, thank you. i needed this. 😇

but now that i know its the continuation of my fave fic of yours i went through the whole tag and i'm like. DESPERATELY NEEDING IT. like you've been working on it for ages frr you poor thing :(( but simultaneously i'm like IF SHE DOESNT POST LIKE ASAP IM FLYING OUT THERE AND PULLING HER FEET AT NIGHT 😡😡 - motivation!!! this + plus us knowing the season 3 release date - i'm determined to be posting it by then. like, truly no one is more excited to be sharing this fic than me i've worked so hard on it and it is pretty epic tbh......

no thank you for answering my question it was eating me alive, i just wanted to contextualize and make sure you knew i wasnt like a ben apologist who see him as someone who cant do no wrong - definitely no worries there. clearly you have taste because you miss cunt ben when he's gone!! plus, i obviously love discussing this show, so. your ask was a gift.

you deserve to be vain, you are giving great stories for nothing besides the shits and giggles!!! - 😳🥰🥺 thank you

[blow-me-a-kis]

Why my weed person message me on Twitter asking me to aid them in some internet argument with their mutual??

Then when I politely said no because I don't know the dude theyre arguing with like that, let alone them or even what the debate they trying to engage me in is even about, they start going on about how its my responsibility as a Black Man??

And it felt so fucked up because they were acting like they were doing me a favor, asking me to think about how I can use my Power as Black man to Defend Black women, talking as if they were helping me, as if I had never thought about these things before?? I'm a Black trans man?? Like we haven't had any kind of conversations before this for them to jump to the conclusions they jumped to. All to emotionally manipulate me into helping them win a fucking internet argument.

Didn't even ask me how Im doing lol. Zero check in. Haven't spoken to me in months, they haven't ever messaged me just to see how Im doing. Hardly a friend! Just launches into asking me for help, and then made me the problem because Im not willing to get into it with a random I'm barely aware of??

Also why am I, a person you barely know, your only Black man ally? Maybe invest yourself in community a little less superficially?? The internet got ppl having fascinating audacity. Like, hi, Im a person, not a reserve for your random internet battles!

This is another afab Black trans person btw who should know very well that trans men don't just magically amass Power the day we become self aware of being men. I almost asked them what they were on, because the energy they came at me with was wild.

I've followed them online for years, been a fan of their youtube long before they were hooking me up with plant meds, so I'm honestly really confused and disappointed.

I was literally on a walk to collect myself after being misgendered and deadnamed by my family all day. Like, there's other shit going on in my life. Which they might have been aware of if they just checked in. It actually would have been really nice to be checked on by another Black trans person today.

Anywho. I told them to work on community care and blocked them. Sad to lose my weed connect, but I'm too broke to afford anything atm anyway lol

[archivalofsins]

sooooo a little birdie told me that you like long-form videos what are some of your favorites I am in desperate need for things to listen to as I draw

I love longform videos of all kind! Mostly because I need something playing in the background to slightly focus on while doing anything. If it's not videos it's music.

Now it comes down to what you like I tend to circle through

Commentary/Political Essayist YouTubers

D'Angelo Wallace Kat Black (not that long but I tend to listen to multiple in a row) Khadija Mbowe (videos of decent length ranging from 10-50) FD Signifier (most videos over an hour) Alexander Avila (most videos also over an hour) Foreign Man in a Foreign Land Elliot Sang (Has started doing readings of books on his other channel reading with elliot) Saji Sharma (On the shorter side but good to binge) sixteenleo Kennie JD HasanAbi (Literally there are long as hell videos. Piles on piles of vods all over YouTube not just posted by him but by fans that is just an endless amount of content that I haven't seen all of yet myself.)

Let's Players

Won (I've been watching his Class of '09 let's play which is good!) ManlyBadassHero (Haven't been that many long ones lately but has a pretty long backlog) MistaGG Vods (His regular channel is good as well Mista GG) Markiplier (Because of course like of course. Play In Space it's good.) Kubz Scouts (He's that dude. Content varies in length but his 60 Seconds let's plays tend to be long and there's a backlog.) 8-BitRyan (He has some long fucking videos.) RDCWorldGaming and RDC Live

Media Commentators/Reactors

La'Ron Readus (If you like dissections of media then this guy has a good few videos on it.) KhunShawn (Looking for a Milgram reactor well there's this guy!) Roartherapper (And this guy has Milgram reactions as well! If anyone want's more people to react to Milgram or make fan content engage with what we do have! That's a good place to start.) Quinton Reviews (Sadness that he focuses on Nickelodeon so I will never see a long in depth Fusion Fall video pain suffering sadness) Mike's Mic ( That unhinged recap of Pretty Little Liars that was on it ridiculous Scooby-Doo 2 yes please doing Lost now oh my god.) CJ The X (Has a decent backlog)

Long Shows to just have on in the background

Yellowjackets (A really good show but you can just not look at times and do something else) X-Men '97 while I'm talking about disney WandaVision half the time you do not have to be looking at that to know what's going on. Ridiculously long and also gets really stupid How To Get Away With Murder you'll stop paying attention eventually you'll feel yourself stop paying attention. There's also this show calledd Cleaning Up that Star and I were watching that literally takes very little attention to follow. I was dissociating at a points and was like mm hm yeah I still know what's going on. To really age myself there's Grimm which is like it also gets very convoluted.

Things I'm checking out today! One watcing Roar's reavtion to the end of trial notice- Two watching Teaching 9th Grade in a 93% Mormon Town (I'm really interested in teaching in general I was going to college to be a school psychologist so education is really important to me) and Hawk Tuah: From Harmless Meme to Right Wing Symbol because I just wanna know.

And while the dramatization of it may not be to everyone's tastes Rotten Mango covers some rather interesting events and the MissMangoButt channel has some good videos too!

Favorites of mine are hard to choose because I watch a lot. I really like the Readus Candyman video, the unhinged recap of Pretty Little Liars but I actually need to catch up on a lot off videos right now. Oh I also really liked the TikTok Gave Me Autism: The Politics of Self Diagnosis video too.

[sincelastsession]

The person that used to be my best friend and completely betrayed me and 2 other people one of which is dead now took 2 of my other friends on a pre-wedding vacation to Mexico and I'm having to see it on my social media and it makes me really upset.

Also I have just seen that 1 of my friends who already has 6 kids is pregnant again and I'm happy for her

And I see everybody's talking about all these good wonderful things that they're doing and it just makes me feel like shit I feel like shit when I see that other people are having normal lives and lives that are more fulfilling looking than mine and I know that that is some bullshit to think that way but it really does suck sometimes

I've also had to call the courtesy officer twice today about noise complaints from apartment 60 and I'm very fucking sick of them I'm going to start acting absolutely bad shit insane because I don't know what else to do to make these people fucking stop being so rude and loud and they're not the kind of people that you can just politely ask because they are ignorant and rude and combative in their language towards one another and I'm not going to even try

But I might do some witchcraft out on the balcony and be really weird and spooky because I'm just done being polite and quiet and nice

I'm finally eating no need to worry about that

I have to make myself go to bed soon so I can get up very early in the morning and try to enjoy myself at the farmer's market because I do need to get some groceries and I'm hoping that that might possibly be a little bit cheaper

I have read over my other entries and I am disturbed that I am talking in different tenses and I'm not sure if that is me or some other part of me and I would really like to do that testing whenever you get the time and I have the time

Not that I want that as a diagnosis anywhere but I want to know what's just going on with me I don't know if it's just purely from stress and this PTSD flair or what but it's bothering me

I'm also pretty fucking irritated that I can't get my files from my old therapist that did EMDR with me and I don't know what place I need to call in order to get A Copy of those files because I want them for myself even if you aren't going to use them

I have always felt behind everybody else and I've always felt held back by my family and I try to move forward and it doesn't feel like I'm allowed to and I feel guilt and shame and all these bad feelings for everything I do no matter what it is even if it's a good thing

I can't even count the amount of times I've done a good thing and didn't been yelled at about it it doesn't matter if it was like the most wonderful thing in the world or just a simple good thing I've gotten in trouble for that

I'm trying right now to get the cat that's getting attacked by the other 2 cats out of my dad's house and over here with me and to see if he is compatible with my 2 therapy cats and if he's not then I will just go to the pound and ask if I can foster him until I can find an adequate home for him.

It's really sad because he's a very beautiful sweet 11-year-old cat and I would love to just keep him and love on him and I don't know if I can

But he needs to be removed from the house over there it is no longer safe for him and he is the cat that is primarily pissing and shitting on the carpet because the other 2 cats bully him away from the litter boxes which is insane to me and my dad has not gotten him or the other cat's advocate litter boxes and kept them clean enough

So once again here I am stepping in to take care of something that somebody else can't do this cat is supposed to be my sister but she can't even take care of herself I don't even know how she's engaged when she can't even take care of yourself I know that I should be focusing on taking care of myself but I am actually pretty fucking worried about her and I can't even talk to her because she hasn't apologized to me nor has she reached out or anything she's just doing whatever she wants being a dumb 20 two-year-old and it just bothers me that I used to get screamed at and controlled and threatened And all this other shit used to happen to me at that age and she can just get away with whatever

And I don't understand that

I really do feel that the stress of everything going on in my life is eventually going to kill me instead of old age

I really would like to get it together and meet somebody and settle down and have a nice peaceful quiet life where no one ever hurts me or abuses me ever again and I'm financially stable

I would rather be rich as fuck and bored out of my mind then deal with anything I'm dealing with right now

And I know people like that and it drives me insane because it's like oh would you like to trade

And I know that other people have a hard time and I'm not trying to say that I have the worst time in the whole wide world but holy shit I do have a very hard time

I know that I'm very lucky to have a place to live and food to eat and other things in my life

But what's important to me is being understood and loved and cared about and cared for and it never feels like that and it never has not even when I was little

It always felt like okay well they are being nice to me and they care about me and then something bad would happen and I would get yelled at and it would be all my fault

So I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop I don't actually trust that anybody is actually going to help me because they always leave or give up

And it's not for lack of trying to help myself because I've been doing that for so long that I don't even know what I'm doing anymore

There is no manual about how to fit in with society and I don't feel like I should have to try to fit in but if I don't then I get treated badly

I wish I could move I wish I could leave and Go live in the woods somewhere where I don't have to really go anywhere but the little market or something like that

Like just get a dog bring my cat and live in solitude would be fantastic if I had the financial stability to do so but I have too many health problems and other things going on in my life where I can't run away and do that I would have to leave the solitude in the quiet and the peace

I mean I have tried to figure out how to solve everything since before I started therapy

I don't want to be on SSI never asked to be My parents could have gotten Cobra insurance and I could have continued to try to do my own business but my father at that time was trying to control every single thing that I did and My mother was too. I had a fucked up back at that point in my life and I was going through flare-ups of my auto immune disorders and my parents just pushed me into being in the welfare system and now I am trapped here relying on them for extra help because there's a broken system in the world.

I wish that I could have continued to try to make a legitimate business and do what I want to do back then instead of worrying to death about getting caught trying to do what I want to do under the table to make extra money

Because if I stop with SSII have 0 safety net to help me If I fuck up with whatever business I want to try

And trying to work with SS job office is a circle of hell Because none of the things that they have available are thingstead I would be happy and comfortableDoing.

And I don't want to be misunderstood like I'm giving excuses or red herrings or whatever the case.

I am speaking in the way that I am giving actual reasons not excuses for any of my behavior.

Because if I've done something bad and I've recognized it and I couldn't process it then I will hold myself accountable for that and work on it

And other people don't do that

I'm learning more and more that other people just don't care

And it's really disheartening and it hurts and I don't know where I fit in

Like Travis is a good friend my partner is generally a good partner

I'm kind of upset that my partner wants me to find another partner Here and I'm kind of upset that my ex has 0 interest in me other than friendship since he has gotten Sober and that makes me sad given our history

And I don't really have anybody else I mean my ex doesn't even always reply or answer the phone when I call him to talk to him when he told me that I was his female best friend which was probably a load of drunken bullshit

And then Travis only has a limited amount of time to spend time with me and or listen to me or help me and I feel like I'm becoming a burden to him

And I make friends and I add them on Facebook but none of them ever really talked to me and I desperately need more friends but most people just use me

They use me and they treat me like a big dumb idiot

And I don't know if they're just taking advantage of me because I come off a certain way I really don't understand that

I do Miss A lot of social cues and I've been this way my entire life and it feels like everybody is just now noticing and there's no manual or way to figure out what it is that I need to know in that moment

I mean my father doesn't believe that any of my mental health issues are real I've already mentioned that and it bothers me

He uses that as part of a way to break me down

I mean he abused my mother so badly that She definitely has ptsd

And she was angry at me for the longest time because I watched him hurt her and I stood there frozen and I didn't know what to do because she kept screaming at me to call the police but I couldn't move I was just standing there and I couldn't move

And my father used to go get cigarettes or go drive around in his car and smoke cigarettes but I didn't know that I was just told that he was leaving and never coming back because of my bitch stupid fucking mother etc

And I would cry and scream and plead for him not to leave and I would stay awake until he came back home and once or twice he would leave for longer than just a couple hours sometimes he would leave for weeks

So it's safe to say that I have some pretty weird little abandonment issues from that

And when nobody believed that I was hurting really bad and my dad would help me put my socks and shoes on in the morning because I was having trouble and he thought I was being lazy and I would scream because it hurt really bad when he would touch my shins to put the socks on he would just slap my legs

If he got tired of pushing me in my wheelchair because I was too weak to do it myself he would just leave me sitting there and tell me I was lazy

And I would sit there and cry and my mom would be like tell me what the fuck is wrong with you and have to come get me if she was around

Or I would have to struggle really hard to get my wheelchair out of the grass or off the sidewalk or out of the middle of the carpet

And I don't know if you've read about juvenile dermatomire cities but it is a really rare condition and it is very aggressive and it is very painful Because your immune system is eating your muscles it's inflaming your blood vessels your fasha hurts your whole body hurts your joints hurt you become Unable to swallow correctly your heart gets weak it will kill you without treatment and it almost killed me and I'm pretty sure at 1 point I had a near death experience but it's not recorded

My parents used to fight with one another about who would stay with me at the hospital in front of me or they would just fight with 1 another in front of me at the hospital and I couldn't speak or do anything to make them stop

And my parents think that they deserve trophies for doing what any normal parent would do if their child was that sick

They took me to the Doctor and made sure I went to the hospital and made sure I got the correct care and took me to physical therapy of all kinds and tried everything they could that they were able to do just like any other parent and they think that they went above and beyond doing that

And that makes me so mad because they have no idea how badly I was suffering then and how badly I'm suffering from other autumn you and disorder troubles now

And now I am having to hear all about their medical problems and how much they hurt and how much trouble they're having and when I was young and hurting and asking for help I was ignored until I was almost dead

And they will tell you all sorts of stories about how that is bullshit

But I remember

I was there it was my body I remember all of how it felt just like it happened yesterday

I get flashbacks about all of it

And when I say flashbacks I'm talking like there's a movie playing in my head in my mind's eye while other things are going on in my life and I have to navigate through life while that is going on

And also my frustration about not being able to take adiral partially is because the Adderall tends to make that and all the mind chatter just stop And then in conjunction with the anxiety medicine it makes me feel like a normal person and I'm calm and I can do things and it's great

But now that I used medical marijuana for pain issues because I was not able to get up and down the stairs otherwise because my doctors were not giving me adequate pain treatment I can no longer be on the medicine that made me mentally function well

And it's very clear that I have a dopamine deficiency since I have been off of the adderall which I was not on very long and the dosage is very small that I was taking even though I was prescribed much more

And I wish that my old psychiatrist had not passed away because he was a very brilliant man and he knew what he was doing and he had me fixed and I was doing great

And now I feel like a useless piece of shit who can't do anything right and I feel like I am never going to do anything with my life or get anywhere with my life and I feel like all the insults and everything everybody has ever told me is correct

And I would love to have a Phoenix moment and disappear and then rise from the ashes and prove everyone wrong

But that shit Only happens in movies

I am so embarrassed about everything

The amount of shame and guilt and embarrassment etc things along the same vein that I carry around with me for just existing is ridiculousThe amount of shame and guilt and embarrassment etc things along the same vein that I carry around with me for just existing is ridiculous

My partner you know I have known them for going on 8 years now and they know me as much as they possibly can and they have seen the text messages and heard things and they truly think that I am just surrounded by crazy awful people and I agree with them

Like there words verbatim is maybe you would be doing better if you were not surrounded by fucking psychopaths

And it's like a dearest honey sweetie my love I don't know how to get away from the psychopaths quickly like everybody else could possibly do

And then he has problems of his own and you know he's in love with his other partner that he wishes he could marry and he loves me but I'm not the primary partner for him he's the primary partner for me and that is a big frustration with Paul amarie for me but I'm not strictly polyamorous and I understand and I don't hate him for his feelings and I don't feel jealous

I do get frustrated because it's like yes I would love to have a partner here I would love to not be judged and just loved on I would love to be understood and taken care of and to take care of someone else and to have a beautiful happy relationship

And I feel that I'm nowhere near that right now and I feel like I'm running out of time for that.

I'm not in a rush to have kids because I can't have any but I mean I feel like an old maid a complete fucking spinster and I don't want that life for myself.

I did not want to get married later on in life. But now I really don't have a choice because it's a bit late already.

And then the dating pool is just full of dudes that are abusive or have major psychological issues that are completely unresolved. Or alcoholic fuck boys that like to fuck 20-year-olds. And just fuck boys in general.

I just feel exhausted

It's all very exhausting it's all a lot to keep up with in my head and I wish I could unload a lot of it

I wish I could just unpack it and throw it away

It's great when a problem is resolved and the weight is off my shoulders but then I still feel the heaviness in the backpack and I know I need to remove more things because I'm still not going to get where I need to go with such a heavy weight on me

Sometimes I wish my parents had physically beaten me instead of screamed at me and done the psychological abuse torture along was hitting me I wish it would have just been physical

Because they started fucking with my head at such a young age

And if it had just been physical abuse then I would have gone to school at a young age and they would have seen the marks and they would have sent me to live with my grandparents were in foster care and I would be away from them

And you know they sent me to an expensive catholic school which made me feel profound guilt that I can never escape

And I would go to aftercare and my parents would completely forget to pick me up

They would always be fighting with one another about who needed to pick me up from school

1 day neither of them would answer the phone and I was left at aftercare with the one lady that decided to stay with me because you can't leave a little kid by themselves and she got mad and she asked if I knew how to get where I live from the school and I said yes and so I got in the car with her and she drove me home and dropped me off at my house and I don't know why that was never reported

But I remember her knocking on the door and my parents answering the door with me standing there being very confused because they thought I was just in my room playing being quiet and they thought that they had picked me up from school

So they laughed it off and were like oh I thought she had picked her up oh I thought he had picked her up she's just so quiet and she stays in her room all the time well yeah i stayed in my room all the time to avoid them fighting

And when we've tried to play family board games and stuff and my dad would start losing he would throw a tantrum and flip the board game or just walk away And quit

I mean there's so many instances of just abusive insane behavior and I remember all of it and it's just so much to remember but it's all there and it pops up new little things popup everyday that were just so fucking hurtful and traumatic for me

You know I wasn't planning to do a lot of journaling tonight or today or tomorrow I had planned to have a chill rest of the week and allow you to catch up on everything I had posted

So I hope you're one hell of a speed reader

I mean right now I'm just sitting in my bed trying to make myself eat the rest of the food that I made myself and looking at the state of my apartment and I don't even have the energy to cry anymore I'm just looking at the physical manifestation of my mental illnesses and I can't even figure out how to organize any of this

And that's weird because I can do organization and help other people but when it comes to me I don't even know where to start

I always had trouble keeping my room tidy and clean and I always got screamed out about it

I mean there was really never anything I did right growing up

I was always made to like try and fit in with the other kids and do activities that they did and I never wanted to do any of that I just did it to make my parents happy because I thought that's what they wanted I didn't know how anything was supposed to work I was a kid

And the more I think about it the more I understand that I didn't get bullied for being handicapped I got bullied because I was probably autistic and I did not fit in with the other kids because my brain did not work like theirs

I mean if you think about it a lot of the kids that get bullied in school are the autistic kids

And you have to remember I was in first grade I think in 1991

And back then kids just buoyed the fuck out of each other and there were no policies like we have today

I mean until Columbine happened and other tragic things happened we did not have any anti believing things set in place and when we did when I was still in school nobody followed it, just found other ways to get around it

I mean I'm still trying to calm down from earlier I ate my food I need to take my medicine and go to bed and I want to have a good day tomorrow and go to the farmer's market and get the groceries I and have fun and I don't know if I will

Also I'm extremely tired of calling the courtesy officer and office about issues with the people in apartment 60 I don't know what to do anymore

I cannot wear noise blocking headphones all fucking day I keep getting headaches for wearing them for a few hours

In fact I wore them to the metal festival to keep my ears from getting destroyed and my head hurts so damn bad the next day I can't even explain

I used to have a garden I used to plant plants during the summer and go outside and water them and go downstairs and swim laps and doubt healthier and happier and now it's just hell.

Going up and down the stairs is terribly painful.

My parents whine about it when they visit. They only think about themselves and how they don't want to see me because of the stairs

But what the fuck. I have to go up and down them with a wrecked back degenerative disc disease, very screwed up SI joints, bad hips, bad knees, a fucking fractured knee that was ignored and now has healed back wrong.

I have hurt myself doing things that I've asked for help with for over 6 months with a "I don't want to talk about it, I'll get around to it" father.

I have gone above and beyond for every mothetfucker in my family when they have been sick hurting depressed etc.

It's like pulling teeth to get help from them

But my time doesn't matter because I don't have a job

It has to be on thier time.

You heard the audio about me having both parents over to help just get my laundry done which isn't hard to do. I just couldn't get down the stairs once I got up them from the injury and was a fall risk. It was maybe 2 loads of laundry. It was EASY to do. If I hadn't had a fucked up back I'd never had called for help.

I'm sure my dad told you he loves me. But you don't treat people you love the way he has treated me. Same with my mom.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I feel like I'm stuck in this loop where nothing changes but everyone's age.

People promise to change and never do.

I'm tired of being the one with the problems.

Why am I the one still in therapy?

Why am I basically shit on till I go?

Why don't they see their own therapists or go to anger management etc...

Why does it all fall on me?

I don't hate therapy. I just don't know what's left to learn.

I could go to school for it and have a degree but it's not what I want to do. I could probably teach honestly. I'd love to educate therapists on things that don't quite help certain cases. I do make suggestions and bitch yeah. I'm sure that's not something that you enjoy reading.

I think a mirror even a safety glass mirror in the room across from where you sit would be a great idea. Reason being is if you are seeing a patient that is reactivate to body and facial expressions then shouldn't you be aware of how you're coming across? Because I know that just in everyday life I personally don't understand when people get upset with me about those things...because I can't see how I'm acting.

Idk Joshua. I'm not trying to be an asshole and my intent is not to be rude or controlling

I need to go to bed.

[kota-corner]

I can't even read comments on social media this month. I'm already seeing so much hate. One person called the rainbow flag "the r-slur flag", some people have wished horrible things on lgbt people, people call us mentally ill or demons. I'm sick of it. I don't mean to be so negative but if I'm afraid to simply hold hands with my girlfriend in public right now or politely ask "Hey can you call me Kota cause my old name makes me wildly uncomfortable and for many reasons I don't use it anymore", there's a problem.

A little over a month ago, my campus got bomb threats for a drag story hour that was hosted in our library. The kids were not exposed to anything except someone who is "different" from them. All it teaches is them to be kind. It's not about converting kids- it's about teaching kids to be kind, and if they grow up and learn they are "different" in some way, it teaches them to accept themselves. The drag queen we had was wearing a PJ outfit, nothing sexual nor revealing. They wore some makeup and a wig that was barely noticeable. All the books that were read were about diversity and acceptance, nothing about sex, sex changes(one or two books had trans characters, because yes, trans kids do exist and they always have, but it was focused purely on acceptance and tolerance, plus things not even related to gender at all), or anything that could be considered grooming- side note some people REALLY need to actually learn what grooming means and that there are actual strategies and behaviors used with it. Teaching kids that people are different and that they can still be kind is not grooming, it's called raising decent human beings that won't grow up to be a bully or bigot. Their parents were also there the whole time, there was no physical contact between the reader and the kids, and literally every kid walked out with a smile on their face, the only thing they were scared of was the police sweeping the building because of some hateful people in this world who threatened the campus.

I just wish people treated us like human beings. That's all. We wouldn't need a whole month "about us" if we were just treated fairly and equally. I am not talking about the small amount of people trying to make "animesexual" into a sexuality or people who label five year olds as trans when they really may just being engaging in gender explorative/expansive play like nearly all kids do at a young age. I'm talking about the majority of us who genuinely are a part of an oppressed community- we wanna be able to hold hands with the ones we love, be called the name we want, openly be able to say who we are in love with, and not worried about being shamed, outcasted, disowned, and at worst, assaulted or even killed for it. We are going backwards in society and I'm afraid.

Please be kind. I am begging you. I've prayed to Jesus every night for weeks begging Him to still love me. No one deserves to be ridiculed the way the lgbt community is right now. Please see us for who we are- human. This isn't about sexuality or gender, just like it wasn't just about skin color, sex assigned at birth, country of origin, or religion. It's about fear, ignorance, and the dehumanization of those who don't fit the mold. Stop being afraid and start being kind.

Love,

A very sad pansexual and non-binary person who also happens to be Christian, a cat mom, a future social worker, and a fellow human being

[terrariumfiction]

Damage and the Desert of Masculinity

The question of representation and the politics of my work came up this week, and I've been reflecting on the male-centric perspective of the stories I have been choosing to tell. I'm uncomfortable about this post but want to write it - I'm sure lots of this will be poorly articulated but I hope you can see what I'm trying to think about.

Though I have questioned my gender identity in the past, I presently self-describe as a cisgendered man. I come from a privileged background and attended a private boys school. My personal experience growing up in such an environment was awful; I hated almost every moment of it and consider it to have been immeasurably harmful to my emotional development. I don't think I have ever really reflected on this aspect of my childhood in any capacity, let alone an academic one. Recently I was recommended this interview by Ash Sarkar with author Richard Beard.

I found this really eye-opening, and honestly pretty rattling. I didn't attend a boarding school for secondary, though I did board a couple nights a week at the prep school I went to. Because this was only a couple nights, I don't think it had the same effect on me at all. I actually remember boarding very fondly. But a lot of what is talked about here resonates with me very strongly and has made me very reflective. I cried when I watched this through for the first time.

A tutor from my BA once told me my work would be better if I dropped the "sad little boy thing". Richard Beard's book on the subject is called Sad Little Men.

Beard's hypothesis is that the way emotional coping mechanisms taught at private and boarding schools (arrogance, aggression, shielding of authentic self, emotional detachment) keep the boys that went to them in a perpetual state of little-boy-ness. He talks about the methods used to enact control over the schools' populations of boys - bodily humiliation, microscale exercises in compliance, etc. I am sure the severity of his examples has changed over time, but I did experience these things in different ways. We did not have to wear shorts without pants on, but we did have teachers checking whether we showered after sports. Similarly to him, the toilets had no locks and the showers had no doors or curtains at all.

What I witnessed even more strongly at private school was normalised racism, sexism, homophobia, and a culture of cruelty. We were taught cruelty, control and humiliation from our teachers and applied it to each other. For weaker boys, parroted bigotry was a reliable way of deflecting teasing. I was a weaker boy and I engaged in this, too. Wry humour became a kind of currency, and being cynical or sarcastic was a way of avoiding being perceived as weak. It breaks my heart to recognise some of these traits as still being a part of my character - sarcasm and cynicism.

Just to clarify here, I am not likening my experience to Beard's hypothesis 1to1, though I can connect similarities. I am reflecting on all the vile stuff I've fed back into the world, my mistakes and problematic parts. I am glad I'm at a point in my life where I can look back on that stuff without flinching.

Beard reflects on how many of our recent prime ministers attended boarding schools, and how their vandalisation politics and inability to appear to care are evidence of their childhood trauma. He connects the way they behave in parliament to the way they behaved in their elite dining clubs at university - destroying restaurants because they know themselves to be above consequences. I'm not interested in using this trauma as a way of excusing their behaviour; neither is Beard. I don't know if I have much sympathy for them, but I can recognise the smell of their hurt. It seems a uniquely British phenomena to go through something awful and to then inflict that awful thing on others simply because "that's how it's always been done".

Looking away from class privilege and more broadly at masculinity in general, similar things come to the surface. Many young men who grow up on the internet fall into damaging social circles and become infatuated with cultish role models. Recently the sex trafficker/life coach Andrew Tate has received a lot of media attention; the weirdo conservative faux-intellectual Jordan Peterson also. I've seen speculation that the slow decline of traditional patriarchal roles has left a lot of men feeling like they are not valued by society, and thus have turned to look for their own meaning. Cult leaders will always go after the lost and insecure. The weird mysticism of cults is also present here. The online community that calls themselves "incels" (involuntary celibates), so formed in order to share their experiences of sexual inadequacy and loneliness, have their own lore and lingo. 'Chads' are ultra-masculine alpha males who are irresistible to women, 'sigma men' are lone wolf types that exist outside of other social circles. It's all very strange and pseudo-science-y. These archetypes are even defined physically, in a twisted reinvention of phrenology. This video essay on the topic by ContraPoints is really good, but really fucking depressing and disturbing.

As with other internet groups, incels produce and circulate memes related to their ideas. The image below is a meme depicting 'giga Chad' - aka the most ultimate and desirable male. Imo the fact that their invented terms and memes are quite funny, or easy to repeat, only makes them more sinister. It's important to not forget that this group is largely responsible for many of the mass shootings we've seen around the world in recent years.

So, thinking about my work, and my male focus. Kings and Knights seem ripe archetypes to me to begin dissecting these sticky problems -- or, if not dissecting, at least giving them space to spar. The chapter I am adapting into a film concerns four knights journeying in aid of their king. Though it isn't discussed directly in this scene specifically, I have the knights in my fictional world training at an academy that's basically a boarding school. They are told that the Castle where they live is the entire world - that there is nothing outside of this. It's very much inspired by works like Kazuo Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go and Yorgos Lanthimos' film Dogtooth. The drama of my film revolves around their disagreements about this, and how they feel as they realise that there is more beyond them. For example, Sir Gavistrong, playfully modelled after the giga-chad (his physical prowess unsettles the others and makes each of them insecure), begins feeling distrustful towards his superiors, whereas Sir Renni Passage doubles down on his obedience. I have these four men doing a masculine stereotypical task - they're not saving a princess, sure, but they are sortof slaying a dragon... - but none of them can engage properly with the task itself, and instead spend the quest arguing with each other as a way of dealing with their own inadequacies. The ways in which they speak are very elaborate, almost Shakespearian. When I was at school there was this constant juxtaposition, between learning things like Shakespeare, and being relentlessly cruel to each other through language. I wanted that juxtaposition in the film - the more personal the insults get, the more removed and floral and theatrical the language becomes.

But I don't want my work to be nihilistic acknowledging of problems. That kind of reportage is important to me, to an extent. I'm drawing on these things, thoughts, and personal experiences because I feel I can utilise them authentically. I want to humanise them and then annihilate them. But I feel this isn't enough on its own, or really anything special at all. Antiheroes are popular in contemporary fiction. Damaged men who seek forgiveness are pretty much the default protagonist. In a way, who fucking cares?

I don't know. Me I guess. I do care and I want to resist at all costs the don't-care-attitude I had forced into me, because it's not all I am.

And I wonder if representing masculinity as a desert, completely barren of hopeful buds, only serves to further wall off the ways in which it damages men and women. I want to resist not caring, and I want to resist being cynical, being doom-and-gloomy, being self deprecating and detached, because they are all my symptoms. The good thing about art as opposed to.. not-art.... is that in art you don't really have to be doing just one thing or the other. I hope my work, coming from a place of contemplation of these things, doesn't simply recreate the bad at expense of squashing the good.

In the video on incels, Contrapoints talks about how she can't identify any positive masculine traits or examples of positive masculine role models. What would a non-toxic masculinity look like?

When I think about this I imagine myself as a child. I was a soft boy - quiet and polite and curious. These are just generalised positive traits... generosity, thoughtfulness... but why can't they be the foundation for a positive masculinity?

I hope, in my film, the other characters can take on these qualities, and in their masculine wilderness, stand for something stronger than the peacock bickering of the macho men. Sir Lardon represents a softer kind of masculinity, an earnestness and intimacy. He is enchanted by what he sees and open to new things. He cares for animals, has experience caring, and on return to the Castle is the only member of the party still energised about their mission. Indeed, beyond the scope of this film, Sir Lardon becomes the central figure of the book, entirely down to his caring. Though the party of knights comes undone by their exposure to the outside world, they do each come to realisations, and I hope in the film the viewer can see these seeds of positive personal growth being planted.

Of course, masculinity does not exist in a vacuum, and by neglecting to include female characters in this film, I am reducing the scope of my dissection of the topic, and perhaps ignoring the ways in which masculinity can be most harmful. The island-ification of men hurts women more than it hurts men themselves. However, I feel this narrow, echo chamber representation is more true to my own personal experience, maturing and coming to personal realisations within a stinky all-male context, nurturing at all costs the soft self at the centre in world of spikes.

[skullshadowdragon]

Snippet of an upcoming Bakukami fic I'm writing. Tell me your thoughts

A/N: This is a work in progress and definitely needs a few changes. I'm posting it here to ask if I should continue and finish this. It's such a dumb idea but I just wanted some feedback.

Denki didn't really have the best luck in his dating life. Out of all his friends, he had the worst luck.

Now, he didn't have no experience, just very little and even that wasn't a lot. He had gone on a few dates with people here and there but he had come to realise that he preferred befriending the person he was dating before actually dating them.

Because of that he had very little luck in dating. He's had his fair share of crushes. More than a few cause he can't help but crush on anyone that he thinks is cool.

But he really thought that this would be the one. He thought that he would finally land a partner.

Denki had befriended Shinsou back in their first year and started flirting with him at the beginning of second year. Towards the middle off second year, he had asked out Shinsou on a date.

By then he had gone on a couple of dates. He had gone with friends, who he asked out and they politely went on one or two dates with him. He almost got a record of how many classmates he dated because he dated a good couple of them.

Even managed to get some dates from students in other classes. But they usually never got past the first date. So he was confident that he could get past 3 dates with Shinsou, maybe even start actually dating him.

And he did. He had gone on two dates with Shinsou. And everything was going good with them. Until, it kinda hadn't.

To Denki, there wasn't anything that went wrong. He just assumed that Shinsou stopped liking being around Denki because he wouldn't be sitting in the common room staring at his phone at the text Shinsou had sent him.

Shinsou: I won't be able to make it to the date today. Got caught up in something Shinsou: We can reschedule for another day if you want?

Denki sighed and put his phone down upside down. He knew that Shinsou lost interest. That's how most of his dates had gone if they didn't want to go on another. That or they were nice enough to tell him they weren't interested in more.

Which really sucked for Denki because he had already booked a restaurant in advance for this and even got dressed a little early in excitement.

He was so excited because he was gonna ask Shinsou to officially date him after the date and hoped it would go good.

"Hey Denks, another failed date?" Sero asked, hoping over the couch to sit with his friend.

"Yeah, you could say that." Denki said, turning to look at his friend.

"Did Shinsou turn you down? You look sad while dressed up so I can't assume much." Denki sometimes wish that he didn't confide in Sero as much as he did because of course he would know that it was Shinsou related.

"Yeah. I don't think he's interested in me." Denki said as he showed Sero the message he got.

"Oh, shoot man. I'm sorry about that." Sero said, giving Denki a side hug who smiled a little and leaned into it.

"Eh, its fine. I feel like I set myself up for failure." Sero punched Denki lightly at that statement.

"Nah. I think everyone is an idiot for not wanting to date you." Sero stated confidently and Denki laughed lightly at that.

"Does that include you too? Considering you didn't want to date me cause you like our resident powerhouse." Denki mentioned.

"Yep, even me. Speaking of, I told Midoriya that we'd do some homework together so I gotta head up now." Sero said as he got up.

"Uh huh, I see how it is. You're just gonna ditch me and leave me to wallow in my self pity." Denki teased and Sero laughed while heading to the kitchen.

"Yeah, you can tell me all about the self pity later. I have a study date to get to." Sero said, heading to the elevators with a few snacks in his arm and Denki sighed lightly.

He decided to hang out in the common room instead of doing anything else, just kind of scrolling on his phone as he sat there. People came and went, some greeting him but none really engaging in conversation with him.

"Fuckin Sparky. What're you doing in the fucking common room all dressed up?" Bakugou asked as he entered the common room.

"Was supposed to go on a date with Shinsou. He cancelled ten minutes ago so now I have nothing to do. I had a reservation at a restuaraunt but I think I gotta cancel." Denki casually said, half looking up at Bakugou.

"When's the reservation for?" Bakugou asked and Denki looked up at Bakugu fully.

"Uh, it's in like 30 to 40 minutes I think." Denki remembered and Bakugou nodded.

"Noted." Bakugou said as he went to the elevators. Denki shrugged it off and grabbed his charger, plugging it into his phone.

He put the other end in his mouth and lightly let out volts enough to charge his phone. He kept scrolling through tiktok and instagram before he got bored and put his phone down, looking up at the cieling again.

Denki didn't know how much time had passed, he was pretty sure a good bit did, but he was startled by Bakugou's face appearing over him.

"Come on." Bakugou stated and Denki sat up, confused. Luckily Bakugou had backed up by then and they didn't knock heads but they were very close to.

"What do you mean come on? I don't remember making plans." Denki stated and Bakugou gruffed a little.

"No, but you have a stupid fucking reservation at a place that I fucking know you like because you've talked about it a good couple of times. So to not let it go to fucking waste, I'll go with you if none of these shitty extras are going to." Bakugou said and this confused Denki more.

"It's fine dude. I was gonna cancel it and I don't care that much." Denki said as he got up.

"Fuck that. You've been talking about this all fucking week. If some stupid extra ain't going to go with you, then I will. I don't give a shit. Now get your shoes on and let's go. We gotta go to Aizawa for permission to go off-campus." Bakugou said and Denki smiled slightly.

Well, he had nothing to lose so he might as well go with a friend. At least he can say he got to go on a half-date with Bakugou. Denki put his shoes on and made his way to the door with Bakugou.

They made their way to the teacher's building and asked Aizawa to go off campus for a bit, giving the address to Aizawa just in case anything happened. This was more of a formality as they were more than capable of taking care of themselves, but it was for emergencies sake.

"I still don't know why you decided to come with me. I could have cancelled." Denki stated and Bakugou huffed.

"Because if that mindfucker is going to stand you up, then you deserve to actually have some sort of a good night. It aint fucking fair for you to plan all this and get basically ditched last minute." Bakugou explained and Denki laughed lightly.

"I didn't know you cared." Denki teased and Bakugou huffed.

"Of fucking course I do. You guys decided to attatch yourselves to me last year and now we are, unfortunately, friends. Im fucking stuck with you idiots." Bakugou stated and Denki smiled lightly.

"Well it's nice to hear that you actually think of me as a friend." Denki said as they got to the restuarant.

Denki and Bakugou went up to the host, Denki giving his name for his reservation and being led to a booth where they sat across from each other.

"Sorry, this was more reserved with a date in mind. If it makes you uncomfortable we can leave and go somewhere else." Denki apologised and Bakugou rolled his eyes.

"It's fucking fine. I know what it was reserved for and you have nothing to apologise for. I fucking decided to come with you instead so I don't care." Bakugou said as they looked over their menus.

"Oh, I think you should get this. It's got a good amount of spice and I know you like spice. Plus you can always ask for it to be extra spicy." Denki said, pointing at a menu item, showing it to Bakugou.

"This is your favourite restaurant so I'm fucking trusting you." Bakugou, seeming settled on Denki's recommendation. Denki beamed that Bakugou trusted him with the recommendation and settled on his option.

The waiter soon approached them and they both gave their orders. Once the waiter left, they fell into a silence. But Denki didn't want to just sit there in silence.

"Didn't you come back from training when you saw me in the common room?" Denki questioned and Bakugou nodded.

"Yeah. Saw you fucking pouting or whatever in the common room so I came to see what happened." Bakugou said and Denki furrowed his eyebrows.

"So, you went and had a shower and got changed in all of like, twenty minutes. Just because I was sulking?" Denki asked.

"Yeah. It wasn't fucking hard." Bakugou said.

"I can't believe you even got dressed up for it. Man you didn't have to do this." Denki said and Bakugou lifted an eyebrow.

"Yeah, it was fucking necessary. If you were gonna be dressed up then I'm gonna look 10x better." Bakugou said.

Denki laughed and they fell into silence.

"Do you really think that I don't think of you as my friend?" Bakugou asked.

"Huh. What brought this up?" Denki asked.

"Earlier. You fucking said something like you thought it was nice that I finally thought of you as a friend." Bakugou recalled and Denki stared at Bakugou in thought for a second before recalling their small conversation on the walk.

"Oh, yeah. Well, it's not that I don't think of you as a friend. It's that sometimes that you are a little hard to read so between all the insults and angry words, I can't really identify the line between friends and classmates." Denki explained and Bakugou huffed.

"Of course we're fucking friends. Don't doubt me for a second." Bakugou declared and Denki laughed.

"Okay, I won't doubt it again." Denki said between a few giggles.

"Did you do your homework?" Bakugou asked, which caused Denki to pause. He laughed sheepishly at that and Bakugou rolled his eyes, knowing the answer.

"Look, I got way to excited for this and then decided to do it later after the date so I didn't lose my excitement. I realise it's a stupid thing to do but I thought it was a good idea at the time. I promise I'll do it when I get back." Denki rambled and Bakugou sighed.

[utilitycaster]

Fjorester for the ship thing?

when I started shipping it if I did: sort of like Beauyasha the groundwork was kind of already there at the very beginning, so I guess it would be better to say when I stopped shipping things that conflicted with it, which would probably be just pre-hiatus and then cemented pretty quickly during Rumblecusp.

my thoughts: I sort of just combined this with "what makes me happy about them.

What makes me happy about them: So much, I feel like I'm being repetitive from the Beauyasha thing but the vulnerability applies here; I truly love the "we have remarkably similar flaws that have been getting in the way of each other but we are going to work on this TOGETHER." I like how actually in contrast to Beauyasha, who were often quite serious but then had a really fun and playful date, (and Caleb/Essek who have similar vibes as Beauyasha for that), Fjord and Jester, while they had some incredibly serious conversations, were often extremely playful with each other and the scene in which they first get together stands out for how serious it is. I also love that their story continues with them still adventuring - I think part of why I was like "no, the story can't end NOW" is because it felt like they especially were not done with adventuring, and you know what? They weren't!

What makes me sad about them: Again, not much? Like, for all the CR ships the only one that has anything particularly sad is, like, Vaxleth.

things done in fanfic that annoys me: the nice thing about shipping things that are slightly less popular is usually the average quality is pretty high and also again I read fanfic from like. only a small handful of people.

things I look for in fanfic: Both of them have really hard voices to lock onto, so getting that right is pretty important.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Honestly no one that we met. I mean I'm sure they'd find other people but also they are both So Much that it would take a while. Definitely someone else from the coast.

My happily ever after for them: I think they spend a few years at sea and then settle down in Nicodranas to have a child, and then get heavily involved in Coast politics.

who is the big spoon/little spoon: As with Beau and Yasha, despite the height differential I think it's a toss-up.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity: When they're in port they absolutely engage in some degree of wedding crashing but they also bring gifts for the couple and are both able to disguise themselves so like. No one picks up on it or if they do they're like "well, it's fine, you were delightful guests."

[yazthebookish]

Yaz gotta tell you I am living for your page! You make my English major heart soar with this empirical textual evidence driven discourse on your page, and also being hilarious and witty at the same time! Slaaaaay 💅

I really want to pick your brain and I hope you respond because I genuinely am really interested to hear your take. I have read almost all your masterlist but please forgive me if you’ve already answered this. I want to chat about this Lucien/Elain/Azriel situation. Personally I’m team consensual happiness and would be happy with either ship, or even dare I say a throuple, if it’s written and makes sense with the narrative. I see compelling textual evidence that there has been an attraction (I’m not going to say bond because I’m NOT saying mating bond) between Azriel and Elain since the first time they met. I also feel like there is a lot of interesting “trope paths” that relationship could go through- choice vs destiny, forbidden love etc. I also feel there is some compelling evidence of Gwynriel or at the very least Elriel not being endgame. I see less evidence of attraction between Elain and Lucien on the page, but do see compelling evidence of her feelings changing towards him which could definitely signal a clear path for something to develop. There’s great room for tropes of a regency era vibe of arranged marriage to lovers that would make my Classics heart happy. I also think there is a lot of language around Elain that foreshadows them, or at least speaks to their similar aesthetic of daylight, sunshine, color, nature etc. I do also feel like there is some crumbs that could point to Lucien and something with Vassa and Jurien (which ultimately could just be friendship). I’m happy to talk specific quotes with you if you want but I didn’t want this to be longer than it already is lol. Okay so what I struggle with is how these different potential relationships could be resolved. In the instance of Elriel, it is a little more clear that she would reject the bond to be with him and he with Vassa (a very interesting thing that while bond rejection is foreshadowed, she has not done it yet which signals to me it will be important in some capacity) and/or Azriel would duel Lucien (which I really hope would not happen just makes me sad if it’s not a “mutual dumping” as it were) My question is how do you imagine she will resolve Elain’s interest in Azriel and his in her? I am NOT citing my difficulty answering this question as evidence at all! I’m genuinely curious to see the path you think the narrative would take. Okay very curious and hoping you respond! Love your writing again ❤️

Awwww thank you I'm so flattered!😂🤍

And you're on the RIGHT TEAM! Honestly I envy you haha! This ship war is insane😅

Well... let's get to it!

• I disagree that there has been an attraction between Elain and Azriel when they met for the first time. Elain was engaged to Graysen and Azriel was in love with Mor. They were polite with one another but there was definitely no romantic coding there. Nesta and Cassian however😂...

• I think Elain wouldn't find it hard to move on from Azriel, we don't even know what she actually feels for him no? Is it attraction, is it infatuation? Is she rebounding? We don't know. It's definitely not love I'm not convinced someone would fall in love with someone they barely say more than two words to each other. That's not how SJM writes her couples and you'd notice that if you read all of her books and noticed the pattern with her endgame couples.

• I think Elain would put a distance between her and Azriel once she sees his dark side or the his rage since she didn't witness that yet. Mor did and it kept her shaking in her seat. Azriel is similar to Nesta in some ways and Elain couldn't even understand the depth of Nesta's rage and despair. Once she sees him explode she will be like "yeah... I'm taking a step back" because she only saw the best side of Azriel without his flaws yet. I'm pretty sure she would have been pissed if she heard him asking the IC that Elain should not scry even though she announced in front of everyone that she wanted to.

• I don't think a mate rejection will happen with any of the main couples. If SJM wanted to pull it off she would've done so earlier. It's only one scene we don't need an entire book for it to happen. We will either see it with Eris and Mor since there are little hints they might be mates or we might explore it through Helion and Lady of Autumn since they are 100% mates and I think Lady of Aufumn eventually had to reject the bond in order to protect Lucien and her other children from Beron. This is why Helion takes a lot of lovers to his bed, to mend his broken heart because a mate rejection drives the male insane. It doesn't make sense for example, have Elain reject the bond in an Elr*el book and then Lucien moves on with Vassa and they get their HEA. It doesn't make sense for the last book to even be Lucien/Vassa because Vassa once she gets back to Koschei will be in her Firebird form at all times and there is no multipov because each book is about a couple.

• I think Elain and Azriel won't work out. They have idealized images of each other and once those break they'll realize how unfit they are. Elain is used to being coddled and protected and Azriel would happily do that for her and Elain is a people pleaser and usually appeases everyone. They both halt each other's growth because there isn't a balanced dynamic between them. We don't see them challenge each other like the other couples. It's very bland if I may say.

• Sorry but Lucien and Vassa make no sense to me. Their interactions are platonic and friendly from what we've seen so far and we barely saw anything? Vassa had very little scenes. There is an unbalanced and unfit dynamic there. He is High Fae, she is a human queen. He is immortal, she is mortal. She will go back to the continent, I doubt he would leave Prythian. Alright, they live happily after and then Vassa dies of old age, that leaves Lucien with who? His mortal descendants or the humans there who despise the Fae? Do you know what's a better dynamic? A Queen and a general who also comes off as kingly. You had one important scene where Vassa speaks of going back to Koschei and Lucien is giving her a pained reaction whir Jurian's face was unreadable? Why would Jurian hide his emotions at the mention of that? Unless there is more to his emotions that he doesn't want others to read into.

• Lucien and Elain are the first mated couple that aren't in love and this is new. They're like a couple stuck in an arranged marriage they do not want. As you said, they give off major regency vibes. They'll have to work around the bond and figure out their true feelings for each other. I think not only Elain is conflicted by the bond but also Lucien. Elain thought she would end up as Graysen's wife while Lucien believed for years that Jesminda is his mate that he lost. They're kind of in the same place. But Elain experienced the trauma of turning into Fae, Lucien wants to get to know her more while respecting her space. I think once Lucien and Elain set aside the issues between them, they'll have a great appeal. We didn't even get to see their dynamic yet and how they are around each other as they truly are to know whether they'll work out or not. Unlike Azriel, Lucien doesn't have a temper and isn't a fan of violence which is something appealing for Elain. SJM did say there will be tension, growth and healing for Elucien together. We're at tension now.

• As for Azriel's feelings for Elain, I think he needs to deal with his feelings for Mor first. We never got closure and I'm pretty sure that we will likely get it so Azriel and Mor can move on. I think throughout Azriel's healing journey we will have a deeper understanding of emotional turmoil. His reasonings for wanting Elain stem from despair, loneliness and the desire to have a mate. He latched on to Mor because he was waiting for a mating bond to snap. He saw two of his brothers mated to two sisters and the third one happens to be mated to another. He thinks fate is being unfair when fate has another mate in store for him. I don't think his feelings for Elain run as deep as some make it out to be. He was in love with Mor for 500 years! Azriel doesn't even know what true love is yet. I think once he explores what love actually is he'll be able to distinguish what he actually felt for each of them. His chapter literally ended with him thinking of Gwyn's smile and keeping that image in his chest even though earlier he wasnt all that happy because of what went down with Elain and Rhys.

I hope this answers your question and thank you for your kind words❤️

[cloudraker]

hi!!! is it ok if i request a platonic tfp matchup? :D take your time ofc!!! i like both sides so i dont mind which u pick!

i'm a minor, pudgy and a little bit on the shorter side, but also very strong!! >:-) i am very unsure of my gender rn but usually i do like to present myself in a feminine way!

i would describe myself as optimistic, cheerful, simple-minded and pretty silly! i do like to have fun and explore cool places, and despite being very shy and awkward around new people, i want to socialize and make new friends!! usually im rather quiet and prefer to listen and observe. im not very good at talking because it makes me nervous so i appreciate when people are ok with that and dont expect me to engage in conversation :^] i like people that are talkative and loud that dont mind if im just looking at them n listening. but!! i also like quiet people that i can just chill and do fun stuff with in silence, like draw or watch the clouds!! unfortunately, i am a big people pleaser and the mere thought of someone disliking me makes me very sad, so i sometimes get into uncomfy situations just because i couldnt say no. also i really dont like when people yell at me– it sounds like a pointless information but i dunno its . important to me i guess. i cry easily

i really like cute and happy things but i love scary things too >:) horror movies are my favorite and im really interested in dark and supernatural cases!! im a little desensitised to gore and irl disasters but paradoxically im very skittish and jumpy. im also kinda stupid and naive so i believe every silly little thing

i like to draw, paint, sew (i make plushies!!), play the piano, collect pretty shiny things and give them to my friends as gifts! i am a very curious person, and when i find something cool (like a leaf, rock, shell, etc) i pick it up right away and show it off!! i also like to (gently!!) pick up tiny bugs and caterpillars and show them to others, cause i love insects a lot :-) i try my best to be always kind and polite to everyone, including all the cool creatures of this planet! i rarely get angry or show dislike to anyone and most of the time i go by the "treat everyone nicely because u dont know what they went through" thing. HOWEVER i do like to joke about fighting god, world domination, etc though it's all in good fun. i find it amusing when people actually believe i could be a threat to them x)

so yea. im just a silly little dude!! ty for reading all of this and i hope u have a wonderful day/night!! i love all of ur works sm! ^_^

💐 <- flowers for u !!!!

Ahh thank you so much for the flowers!! Sorry for the wait, I hope this is okay <3

I match you with...

Smokescreen!

continued below the cut :)

The two of you have similar personalities, so you two get along easily! Even if you’re shy at the start, that won’t be a problem, he’s got you covered! He can easily do all the talking at the start, firing of questions and asking you about yourself while also talking about himself in ways that are probably bragging, but he’s so excited it’s hard to care

If you’re ever in a mood where you don’t wanna do a lot of talking, he’s easily able to fill the silence with stories or idle chatter

He's always down to explore new places with you when he's not on a mission or patrol duty,

While you have trouble saying no to others, he certainly doesn’t if it’s on your behalf and he rarely, if ever, will hesitate to step in if somebody is obviously asking something of you that’s making you uncomfortable

He thinks it’s super cool that you can do all of these artsy things, and he’d be ecstatic if you showed him anything you made! The finer points may be lost on him, but he still appreciates art when he sees it, his time as a guard in the Iacon Hall of Records taught him that the finer arts are nothing to scoff at 

He’s happy to pose if you ever need a reference, and brings back anything cool he finds while he’s out if he thinks it’s something you’d find inspiration in 

If you give him a cool rock, he’d be a little confused, but if you explain that it’s something you do with your friends, he’d be really touched! You like him enough to give him a gift, and he’s determined to reciprocate. Whatever he gives you is gonna be something meaningful, maybe not something grand or expensive, but something you can look at and smile

He’s always down for a movie night! Oh, you picked out a horror movie? Of course he isn’t scared! He’s just shifting closer to make sure YOU don’t get scared! yeah, that’s it...

[atlantis-scribe]

Okay I really do love Atlantis, but the amount that some people woobify Rodney actually drives me crazy. And I actually love Rodney as a character but like my boy's an asshole sometimes!! like he's not a perpetual victim, let him be wrong about stuff and grow and improve as a person!! (also the recurring theme of having random women in his life be abusive for... no textual reason?? is a little sus) like I'm getting to the point where I can hardly (1/2)

(2/2) enjoy hurt/comfort with Rodney bc I'm so wary of this... which just makes me sad 😭 Really sorry for ranting in your inbox you are my fave Atlantis blog and I like your take on Rondey

hello there!

please don’t apologize for ranting. my inbox is always open to rants. they’re encouraged, even! (long as I get to rant back lol)

and my oh my is this one of the topics that also get me going, particularly because 1) Rodney is also my favorite character, 2) I, too, see this woobification tendency, and 3) it’s complicated af & touches on several running themes not just in Stargate but in almost all fandoms.

• the Rodney Woobification is ancient practice. the SGA (specifically McShep) fan community has been around for a while now, and the Stargate fandom as a whole is even the birthplace of many established tropes that people still use to this day (Daniel Whump, anyone?). I understand the appeal. hell, I love angst and hurt & comfort for reasons almost exactly the same as other people who woobify characters love to do their thing. I don’t always comment on it (I don’t wanna be That Dick raining on other people’s parades) because it’s a slippery slope that so often leads to outright gatekeeping. there’s really just a fine line between being critical of fic characterization — being ‘true’ to the source material — and having fun with fannish works (specifically, using art as an outlet to do the most bizarre things polite society would ostracize you for)

• that being said, I am also not a big fan of woobie!Rodney. there’s a reason why I had such a visceral reaction to the Post-Trinity Phenomenon & the Lemon Chicken trope.

you have to understand, I came into the fandom a little over two years ago. about a decade too late, really. all the stories have been written, the takes taken, and the discourse over & done with. it’s pretty lonely, but the fun is in trying to sift thru what the OG fans left behind. so to stumble upon such a treasure trove of fics with the same running theme and have such a fierce ‘Nope!’ reaction was pretty memorable. I love Trinity because the Rodney in that episode was allowed to be his most obnoxious, his most arrogant, his most unlikable, but still remain layered & nuanced & complex, and that’s pretty damn good writing there. I saw the ‘asshole’ label when I bought it, after all. I certainly don’t want it erased or buried under a rug. I want it explored.

• canon writing is a-whole-nother problem altogether. it’s hard to justify exactly what makes Rodney (& Sheppard & Weir & everyone else) genuine or true to form, because —  let’s be honest — SGA is not a prime example of stellar TV writing and/or storytelling. it’s addictive as all hell, but it’s severely flawed, and that includes how it handled consistency in characterization. this brings us back to the dangers of gatekeeping and yelling at other people for how they write (however beloved) ‘public domain’ fictional characters.

• what I want to advocate now in terms of woobie!Rodney is for other fans to maybe examine why they like Rodney. is it because we are all just weak for white, asshole geniuses who are shippable with other white (often same gender, often male) assholes? if that’s the case, and you want to continue making your content, go ahead. it’s frankly a pretty boring reason, but we’re all boring nerds here. some more than others. just, you know, tag properly & don’t be rude to other fans who may have different reasons.

me? I love Rodney because yes, he’s a white asshole genius (that archetype is like crack for real) but portrayed so wonderfully by a very talented actor that it left me with a nuanced character whose gaps I can fill with attributes I want to analyze as a lifelong fan of the human condition who occasionally writes fics for popular media. woobifying him would be a disservice to how I see him & the things I love about him, which would then render me unable to enjoy the Rodney I ‘stan’. that would defeat the entire purpose of why I engage with the fandom, because at the end of the day, I’m here to have fun.

• so no matter how much I (and you as well, I suspect, my dear anon) would want to police this practice, it just isn’t our place. the best (and the right) thing for us to do is curate our fandom experience and create the content we actually want to consume. who knows, we may just convince / inspire enough people so there’d be more of the same kind of things we enjoy out there :)

- kit