#I'll delete this later because it's not that. fucked up. if you consider that these very people decided that they needed

[hiimbloblos]

Everything that promotes LGBT will now be banned: a rainbow without a light blue stripe, all kinds of themed patches, badges on clothes, as well as parades, processions, rallies and themed parties.

For that - up to 12 years in prison.

Hi! What! Literal murder can get you 2 to 8 years in prison. Killing a man gives you less years! Hello! Can anybody fucking hear me!

Updating this post because. WELL. If anyone, ANYONE supports LGBTQIA in here. Even if they're the straightest people ever. THEY FALL UNDER THE SAME CATEGORY. LGBTQIA ALLIES ARE CONSIDERED EXTREMISTS TOO.

Moreover, everyone could get in trouble - even if the person isn't an activist or part of LGBTQ, but speaks out that LGBTQ people must have equal rights with everyone else.

You can get in trouble for a LGBTQ-symbolic repost from 10 years ago - if the policemen can capture it after Supreme Court's decision will take effect.

And another update: this "law" will only be valid after January 10, 2024

The court decision will come into force on January 10 of the following year - unless an appeal is filed.

[flowerandblood]

ONE YEAR OF FLOWER&BLOOD

✨🎉🌙✨🎉🌙✨🎉🌙✨🎉🌙✨🎉🌙✨🎉🌙

Exactly one year ago I posted my first chapter of the My Best Friend series. Nowadays I think it's something awful and I don't even try to edit it because I'd have to write everything from scratch, but I've left it for people who feel attached to the story. I remember getting about six likes and one comment on the first day and that huuuuge interest made me eager to create chapter 2 and then all the others.

I remember the excitement with which I waited and then replied to comments, not believing that people were actually waiting for the next chapter. At the time I was literally not following anyone, which was good because I wasn't comparing myself to anyone.

Eventually I felt I was ready to try writing other series and a few were successful enough that I decided to stay here permanently and create because it made me happy. Up to that point, everyone had been very kind to me and I started following more and more blogs, wanting to feel part of the fandom, to make friends with everyone. Now I know that was the biggest mistake I made.

Seeing things that didn't interest me, fanfic's whose way of writing couldn't draw me in, I felt frustrated, while at the same time fearing that if I stopped following someone, that person would see it as an affront. At the same time, The Impossible Choice, my biggest project until The Fall from the Heavens (which I'm currently editing and re-editing, while inserting on AO3), began to be written.

Just when I thought I had reached the pinnacle of my abilities (which wasn't true), I also started to clash with anonymous hate messages, probably the worst of which were those vilifying me and my husband, and those regarding my one-shot with Micheal Gavey. I know now that taking it personally and getting involved was my big mistake, and the fandom was shaken by drama that got out of hand.

I was a few steps away from deleting my blog at the time, but my husband talked me out of the idea (thankfully, as my stories aren't saved anywhere else − I'm only now moving them to AO3).

That's when I first realised that some people here I don't even like, and they probably don't like me. I wondered, why are we following each other then? Why are we pretending to have any courtesy? It was only later that I realised that to be considered someone's friend, you have to reblog their work and preferably agree with them even when they write hurtful things.

Since I've depleted my circle of those I follow to about 20 people, since I've blocked dozens of people and tags, there's been blissful silence (with the exceptions of when I write about behaviour in the fandom that I find toxic and someone accuses me of causing drama, but I'm used to it now). I've also never written happier than I do now.

Ideas come to me on their own, I don't feel uptight about what other big people will think of me, whether they reblog it, approve of it or not. I don't give a shit and life is beautiful! Although I can be emotionally unstable, I'm only 70 people short of crossing the next milestone of 3,000 followers, and that's BIG for me. It amuses me that I keep getting messages that someone is going to block me or stop following me, and you guys keep coming. It's gratifying.

I'm going to keep writing for you guys, and I'm sure during season two you'll also see my posts describing my impressions after the episodes in which I hope to involve my husband. I'll also keep you updated here on how I'm doing with my book I'm creating in my private life.

Apreciation

@ewanmitchellcrumbs

Ange. I know that sometimes I'm fucked up, but I want you to know that you've made this place so much more bearable for me that I can't imagine it without you. What I appreciate most about you is that you can talk and discuss, that you always try to understand the other side, that you are empathetic, warm and kind. I feel that, like friends in everyday life, we can also tell each other about things we disagree about, and there are not many people like that here.

On top of that, you are very talented and your stories are always a pleasure to read, even when they are short, you are able to build the plot and atmosphere perfectly, something I have always admired. Thank you for every kind word and understanding.

I still remember your first message to me via ask, referring to the fact that I didn't want to write a pairing with a mermaid because someone else was writing about it at the same time. My heart melted then, it was so nice!

@targaryenrealnessdarling

Liz, Queen of Angst! Your calmness and composure puts me in awe. You're disgustingly talented when it comes to writing and you have a super-sweet personality. When you started following me I began to squirm with delight, and when you started reblogging my stuff? My goodness!!!

@persephonerinyes

You've been engaging and reblogging my stories for as long as I can remember. Always involved, your thoughts make me smile. Thank you for being with me for so long!

@zenka96

You've been here with me since the dawn of time. You know that I love you. Your support from the very beginning really makes me feel like I have a friend here.

@huramuna

I am so proud of you! I remember your asks when I wrote Glass Cuts Deepest, your illustrations for me and your uncertainty about whether you should start writing yourself. I'm so happy for you and that you are so successful! You deserved it.

@black-dread & @aegonx

You are my favourite gif makers. Your work always leaves me in awe, you are amazing! I know how much work you put into it and somehow you make even the worst lit scenes look wonderful!

@summerposie; @0eessirk8; @melsunshine; @immyowndefender; @bellaisasleep; @kckt88; @thedamewithabook; @happinessinthebeing; @queenofshinigamis; @travelingmypassion; @mefools; @fan-goddess; @toodlesxcuddles; @ammo23; @troublesomesnitch; @mariahossain; @out-of-life; @apothe-roses; @heavenhatesme; @whitearemydarkestnight; @liv-cole; @blackswxnn; @echos-muses; @watercolorskyy; @at-a-rax-ia; @tssf-imagines; @snh96; @hiatuswhore; @exitpursuedbyavulcan; @darylandbethfanforever9; @the-dendrophile-bookdragon; @opheliaas-stuff @zaldritzosrose

Your comments and reblogs make me want to keep writing. You make me laugh, you comfort me and you support me. I know I'm definitely forgetting someone, but I want you to know that I love everyone who comments on my stories and there is nothing better for me than responding to your reactions and questions! I have known some of you for so many months that I truly consider you my good friends!

lottie-blue-star; aveatquevale-; aemondtargaryenwifey marvelescvpe; alphard-hydraes-blog; herejusttostan; li0nn3stuff; alexandrawho; vilmakamunen; angelinap09; theloveablestargirl; rose-blue-19; xxxkat3xxx; flosaureum; mandiiblanche; librawh0re; jasminecosmic99; ivvypg; rojocarnation; killmanduh; tokkiiidoll; wolfdressedinlace; angelofvivianne; nina2697; starwarsgirlsimmer1; katsucker; ipostwhtifeel; aemondsdelight; ilswemoon; tigrigri; pasta-rask; roselibrary; lystargs; gemini-mama; nikstrange; tempo-rary-fix; coffeeobsessedtrencher; gwuinivyre; dreamerbythewayx; diiickbrainn; mothmankit

And everyone else I missed and whose icons I would recognize from afar. I know that you have been with me for many months, often in silence or communicating anonymously. Your silent support and presence is something wonderful for me, knowing that you have been with me for so long and read all my posts!

Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!!!

[vladdyissues]

hey so instead of being so deep in brain fog i keep using au and headcanon interchangeably and only realize hours later, howsabout i actually drop them vlad mpreg headcanons without getting derailed into using them in a narrative

-vlad loves control over others, including in bed. this is not in question. and a fight that derails into sexytimes, who doesnt love that. but what makes him totally fucking unravel is being pampered and tenderly made love to. he has to trust someone a relatively high amount to even fantasize about it, much less SUGGEST it

-thing is, thanks to AGIT, we now know ghost powers are hugely emotion based, and, well... in the state of mind he'd be in, plus his desire for a family? 100% conception rate, will manifest anything needed to put a baby in him. not that he would know this going in, of course, who has he ever trusted like that (had to delete a shipping narrative derail here, we both know who)

-until he actually starts showing or can otherwise feel the baby in some way, it's mood swing o'clock, and unless he likes the person he's interacting with, it's always set to "i am subconsciously noticing my vulnerable state and i will be making that EVERYONE'S problem". if he likes them, it's only set to that half the time, and the rest of the time he's clingy as sin

-an agitated mood swing affects the world around him. AKA reverse Torrent of Terror time!

-once he can actually interact with the baby in even a small way, he will be overwhelmed with pink fuzzy "~baby~" feelings more and more, and just go full fucking domestic. full tradwife, to reference the post that actually dragged me to this blog in the first place

-once he starts showing, attempt to place him in a social setting at your own risk

-these feelings help make up for the last month or so, where both halves of him get drained prepping the baby for coming into existence and the baby brain is fucking real, as are flareups of ghost powers akin to fumbling early days

-why in fuck would he NOT breastfeed, i ask you

-vlad would not initially see himself as the kind of parental where he'd have more than one perfect kid who he raises to exacting standards (that the kid will of course meet). then he actually has one and wants at least six more like it and really there's so much of his mansion he's not using--

-bonus: if he had chosen to gestate a clone rather than tube-grow one, it would have patched over the missing transformation data no problem, but that just was not where his head was at when it all went down (and maybe some day I'll write the AU where he's yearning enough to consider it and gets dani out of it)

further bonus: of course danny is into pregnant vlad, because i am certain these assholes have the exact set of kinks to be each other's type for however the fuck long they'll live (potentially forever). like a soulmate AU type thing but for kinky weirdoes

[jorisjurgen]

World of Twelve dashboard simulator #2

👁️ katarynadance follow

Freaks may say i want to fuck antonio sadisski from the bontarian boufbowl Love Arrow team. I'm freaks. I mean im freaks. I mean im freaks.

🌌 somethingquietplace

I wouldn't go that far, but NGL, I don't know how one might not develop an affinity for him... Very charming man! He might be the second greatest player after Khan.

Then again, my opinion on who the second greatest player is changes all the time, haha.

🌸 sadidaskickshoe follow

Ehh khan's been dead for centuries....! Let it go. I think he's cool, but thinking nobody will ever be better is crazy...

🌌 somethingquietplace

He developed most of the techniques still used to this day, just so you know. Visit a museum perhaps. It might be helpful?

🎃 sacriblo0ody follow

average khan fan showing how much criticism of his favourite misogynyst he can withstand.

🌌 somethingquietplace

And you're an average 16 year old child with Very Important Opinions trying to educate me nicely.

🧀 cheesefuckersupreme follow

Seeing somethingquietplace and sadidaskickshoe on the same post is kind of terrifying.

#worlds most toxic crossover? #20 callout posts gang real?

(1,582 notes)

🧀 cheesefuckersupreme follow

Guys they both blocked me ASFHFKDKGJSJ

Do i get a boufbowl fandom badge of honor now????? Did i make it in life?????

🦠 gorebludsac follow

I don't think it's a nice way to post, considering one of them is like neurodivergent and a minor, and the other is tumblr user somethingquietplace (diagnosis self explanatory)

🧀 cheesefuckersupreme follow

I'm sorry yeah i forgot that they're both diagnosed.

#ngl i feel bad kinda for both of them

(34 notes)

🌌 somethingquietplace

.

I hate adventuring with other people. Just being there and knowing I'll never be their friend. I want to say something, be in the conversation, but I never know what to say, and everyone already knows each other and

Well even when they don't yet know each other, obviously they'll prefer anyone else over me. They'll give up on trying to talk to me.

It's so weird... I hate everyone. Everyone has stupid interests and tastes. Just braindead things. Romance and fucking and fashion. And all of them have normal lives and normal families and once in a while they ask something about mine and I don't know what to say at all. And I want to be liked. Even if I have zero respect for anyone I want to like me. Is it weird?

I guess I'm just sad because I don't have that innate talent to pretend like I care about other people. Or maybe I wish someone actually liked me besides my family.

#delete later #...I really like this ''forbid others from reblogging a post'' function they added recently #When my dad dies I think I will finally kill myself I guess. #not osu #Honestly I can't tolerate anyone at my work. I hate them all and want them dead. #And I can't tolerate anyone close to my age. #They all insult me. Constantly. You know. #So the only people who like me are my family. #Its neverending. I can't take it anymore. #I think me only liking my family might be a self fulfilling prophecy but i don't care. #or so I think.

(2 notes)

🌸 sadidaskickshoe follow

people who post about their family issues on here are weird.... My brother isn't here but just the idea of him seeing anything on my phone makes me so scared to write anything!! 😵‍💫

#temp

(1 note)

🌌 somethingquietplace

I wish people would refrain from obvious vagueblogging about my deleted posts.

#delete later #not osu

(284 notes)

🌸 sadidaskickshoe

people who stalk other peoples blogs are so weird!! I think it's easier to follow one another. Because this is getting embarrassing for us both XD

🌌 somethingquietplace

Ok.

#Mostly I am following you because you said you liked Khan Karkass. #Even if you don't have good opinions (ones I agree with) on him.

(1243 notes)

🦠 gorebludsac follow

A second mad xelor explosive machine has hit the tumblr boufbowl fandom

#those.two.... are mutuals now. #i canrt stop laughing there are tears rolling down my face #remember when kickshoe told me in explicit detail how she wanted me to kill myself #or how quiet typed out whole 40 paragraphs of threats #and ended that post with ''youre wasting my time away from work'' as if hes not termianlly online too #this is historical for me and nobody else

(46 notes)

🪰 maldemal follow

She throw dice on my tabletop til i eacflipcity

🕳️ eviltreeman follow

Collect my Thirsty Branches

(459 notes)

🎭 syxxxxxaenika follow

Bruh someone tried to kill the prince again and missed. How the fuck does a fifth assassin in a row fail at killing the prince of brakmar!!!! I can't live in this stupid country anymore

🌸 sadidaskickshoe

Even if things suck i dont think killing royals is the answer..... 😰

(109 notes)

🌌 somethingquietplace

Was in a store recently. The prices were disgusting, and the worst of all, the Ministry of Moral Purity wants to propose a tax for being negative about the government... Are we in Brakmar now? Is this Brakmar we're in?

I have something very taxable to say but shall refrain.

🎭 syxxxxxaenika follow

Bontarians when something bontarian happens bontarianly in bonta: is this fucking brakmar

unlike you, I have the free speech to wish death on our royalty. I can say freely that I hope the prince of brakmar kills himself.

🌌 somethingquietplace

It's literally so easy to hate you even besides the holier than thou attitude... Your city has lava. Would a good place to live with good people have lava. Would a good place with good people have invented something called "the Brakmarian burial"?

🎭 syxxxxxaenika follow

You can't be saying that white-blue boy

#WHERE DID A RANDOM BONTARIAN LEARN A 500 YEAR OLD GANG TERM FOR BODY DISPOSAL?? #WHAT???

(24295 notes)

🪄 pantypervert69 follow

CALLOUT POST:

@/xellymelly has been selling re-bought goods from The Mad Xelor. Do NOT buy from her. Not only are they dangerous, they are also wildly past their expiration date. DO NOT USE ANYTHING YOU BOUGHT FROM HER. IT WILL KILL YOU.

🌌 somethingquietplace

If you have items made by The Mad Xelor, Kerubim Crepin from Bonta's Aux Tresors de Kerubim shop has a recycling program for all victims of this scam. He even gives out rewards for all the items you bring in.

I implore you to consider taking the things you bought to him, and making the world a safer place. (And "★bring some magic to your life★")

#not osu #I can personally vouch for this store's quality. It's very well known among some circles around here.

(4838 notes)

🚬 pigpigeazer follow

Everyone always jokes about the bad parts of classes but nobody ever talks about how generous the pandawa are, how honest iops are, how lively ecaflips are, and how empathetic sacriers are

🎃 sacriblo0ody follow

literally im always saying that!

🤖 athefogenesis follow

Except it always comes at the expense of mentioning that their religion makes them ignorant, addicts, or drives them to self harm?? We need to bully people who are hardcore about class tenets harder. You're destroying yourself for some all powerful reality-warping creature that doesnt give a shit about you

🤹 lancerclown420 follow

People like you give us atheist classes such a bad name. Everyone and everything in the world has a purpose, both those who follow a deity, and those who follow a primciple and

Actually they're a sufokian supremacist so nvmmmm

🧙 hupperschlongartor follow

THE NOTES ARE A FREE BLOCKLIST 💀

(637 notes)

🌌 somethingquietplace

.

#not osu #delete later #the thing is that. I never stopped hating him for ruining my life. #But the amount of hatred i feel ebbs and flows. Does it make sense? #This is stupid. So stupid... Like #oh nooo papycha... you neglected me as a child to the point of incurable mental diseases... #They would be better off if I was dead honestly #i need me and my dad to die. #I need everyone to die actually

(2 notes)

🦞 foggerfish follow

Apparently there's a big thing going on in demigod history community because Goultard (you know, the 4847372882843 or whatever year old son of Iop) undied again and was spotted somewhere around Astrubian border.

👽 cvt3-r41nb0w follow

MY WEDDING IS BACK ON NOBODY WILL HOLD ME BACK. He already married witches i can be the fourth

🗣️ thedarkwitchfromthatbook-is-gay follow

Isn't he gay

😈 osawhip666 follow

isn't he a mass murderer

🌌 somethingquietplace

Finally a reason to kill myself?

#I have to work with demigods a lot so... #Wish me luck in avoiding him like plague? #I had horrible experiences with him in the past #but talking about it would definitely lead someone to finding out who I am so... #I hope he kills himself and it sticks for once.

(447 notes)

🪐 8lunarcoeur8 follow

Heyyy

I wish people would stop rb'ing quiet's boufbowl gifsets considering the fact hes racist, misogynist, a freak, a bonta apologist (goes with the racism), has a fucking Maid, and likes some really weird things.

At least kickshoe has the excuse of being like a teen but this fucking guy is just something else.

🧙 hupperschlongartor follow

whatd he do? 🥺

🪐 8lunarcoeur8 follow

Says weird things about brakmar (x, x, x, x, x, x, x, and mooooore), is a freak (x, x), and a misogynist (x, x, x) (STOP STANNING KHAN KARKASS) also he's weird about huppermages and self described his class as an antihuppermage and even though it was like 200 years ago hes a wholeass immortal man and also is Still a weirdo about ecaflips.

(385 notes)

🌌 somethingquietplace

RE: the newest cancellation

I don't care about your feelings and I have nothing to apologize for.

#not osu

(1842 notes)

🦴 skellythievin follow

Not me honoring sram by stealing bones from the graveyard 😭

🦴 ougigou-woof-woof follow

LEGENDARY POST

#WHY DO I HAVE THE SAME PFP AS THE BONE STEALING SRAM

(59227 notes)

🌸 sadidaskickshoe

Yaaa antonio sadisski won as always!! They should put sadidas like him in the hall of heroes for our country ᕙ⁠ ⁠(⁠°⁠ ⁠~⁠ ⁠°⁠ ⁠~⁠)

👯 mirarynnnw follow

He sucks

🌸 sadidaskickshoe

Hi kill yourself :) /gen

#i was banned from using my phone but ill risk it all again to say that nobody will miss you!

(12 notes)

[alicepao13]

Hudson and Rex S02E07

Took a break but we're back.

I like the episodes in the woods. I don't much care to go in the woods but I like watching them lol. The shots are really beautiful too.

That's a nice shot too lol. Although, what the actual hell is going on with... is that supposed to be water? Are these dust particles? What?

Note that there is no tattoo on his arm yet.

Rex: Why the fuck am I doing this, Charlie?

"Is this the dog I read about on the paper? The one who can find anything?" That's... not exactly what Rex does.

Parks and Recreation fans know.

They're already in love because I'd hit him with the trash bags.

I think Rex is leading the interrogation on this one.

Time for a hike!

Oh, Charlie. He's a city boy. And we also learn that he hates spiders. Sarah, on the other hand, was a Pathfinder which, aside from what the word implies, I have no idea what it entails.

Who made the executive decision for the shot to stay there for like ten seconds?

I believe Emmanuel Kabongo also guest starred in S6 in the superhero episode.

"They can't keep us here long. We're cops". Oh, they could very well keep you but who would want to?

Yay, Kendra! Finally.

"It's the 21st century, Charlie, you don't have to choose anymore". Words to live by.

Oh god, Sarah, that was so subtle.

Children, please. We're in the middle of an investigation.

The flirting continues in the lab. It's really a wonder they manage to solve so many cases when they are like this all the time.

The mug says MUGSHOT in it. Do you have any idea how long it took me to figure out that downstairs is a coffee shop? Also, how many precincts have a coffee shop in the ground floor? SJPD is living it up.

"That's right, I brought my dad this time and he's gonna kick your ass". Disregard the fact that they have like two years of age difference, whoever is the captain (or in charge) at a precinct immediately gets awarded with the "tired parent" title because they will be the person who will be holding the rest of them back from doing stupid shit.

"Are you posing?" "Google Earth. Always taking pics."

lol Charlie and Valentine fighting for who is the alpha team. I know who's ending up in jail, though.

Again, I would like a scene like this with Charlie and Sarah, please and thank you.

While Charlie was ultimately right, at some point there was no evidence to support his theory that Alia was innocent and not the culprit in all this. In other words, he was just being stubborn. Contrary to what many shows support, you can't lead an investigation based on your gut.

"You're the best cop I've ever known and I'm the best ranger you've ever known". Considering that you two don't exactly live in a metropolis, that's... insignificant.

Joe's "...otherwise it's not a nation worth protecting" line is good. I mean I don't want to write all of it but it's good.

That's a ferocious beast! So pretty, though.

Felt cute, might delete later.

Jesse asking Charlie to give his entire theory for Valentine being the culprit while Charlie is running and trying to catch his breath lol

Let Charlie have his angst moment! Don't inform him immediately that Rex is fine.

See, Valentine easily snuck up behind Best Cop.

I'm sure that Charlie and Kendra fucked after this episode, when Charlie went back to the woods to "check how the wolf was doing".

I love that Charlie doesn't want Sarah to realize how much of a total boor he is when it comes to art. Like she doesn't know! Don't worry, art knowledge is not your selling point.

Establishing "team as family". I actually like the subtlety of this one, I don't like it when in shows they keep saying it. Let it happen naturally.

I guess these are the best screenshots of these photos I've taken. 1080p, baby! I'll put these here as well since this has gotten too long once again.

[hesitantvampirealien]

i need to make a one time exception to what i said about no longer venting because this is directly related to the content i post here.

i really need to talk about my feelings regarding the mcr fandom... i seriously need to talk about this right now, or I'll just explode and end up doing something worse that I might regret later.

and before you read it, i must make it clear that I'm not holding anything back and in some moments i will unavoidably come across as mean and rude, but none of it is directed to a specific person, i don't make ANY descriptions of any particular person or blog that annoyed me, everything is entirely "/nbh" and my thoughts might, and probably will change after i finally just put all of this weight off my shoulders. I just need to unbottle this for a second. Don't take any of it to heart, reinforcing that i just... really need this out of me

Probably i won't even remember saying any of this, or I'll just delete it

>> /nbh <<

i wanna start off by saying that this is (mostly) unrelated to the ticket occurrence so you stay fucking quiet because i know your unloved pedant ass was gonna bring this shit up as if it was the main reason why I'm saying all of this. And no, this is - probably for your disappointment - not a text saying the 4 of them are awful people who should die like you were most probably hoping it was

i admit that I've considered leaving the MCR fandom for a while. I'm trying to gaslight myself into staying because it's the thing that saved me and i want to show my love for it, and i know that if i left I wouldn't have anyone to talk to about it.

Do you know how fucking shitty it feels to feel like you're the only person that doesn't absolutely despise something... while in the middle of the fandom for this same thing??

And for a while i wanted to feel like it was a loving and caring community. But if i was to allow myself to not lie to myself for one second. It fucking sucks here. And i know it's probably because, truth be told, this website is just mass produced suicide but nobody gives a shit, i end up hating more than half of the interactions i have, i hate that most of the people i talk to feel like they can't express their real thoughts out of fear of idk fucking being ostracized over stupid shit, i hate that everything becomes a weapon to be used against you, i hate that i try hard to be loving and yet all i get is more and more fuel to hate people, all while i get told that if i hate people I'm evil and a loser.

And to be honest, i think it's quite cruel for you to lie to me and tell me that you'd want me alive when you make sure to make me feel like being alive is a fucking punishment and enjoying the thing that made me want to stay alive is immoral

so i don't fucking know, call me some fucking apologist because I'm not out here saying G should've killed themself for doing shit like simply doing silly on-stage jokes with their brother or not being a perfectly stable and neurotypical conventional person writing cute fluffy stories or not being the person YOU wanted them to be i guess.

i think that's all. Hopefully that's all, i feel like i just puked out an entire week's meals saying this. Probably in like 5 minutes I'll feel better and no longer think about leaving. I just really needed to take this weight out of me, i wasn't being able to think properly anymore by continuing to bottle all of this up. Thank you for letting me talk about it, even if it goes against the thing i said I'd do, where I said i wouldn't vent anymore. This is still a one time thing though

[demodraws0606]

The very weird plays in Tsukasa and Rui's last event and how they can be analysed and the weird detail that links them together

I made a post about this before but it was poorly made (and also not really a theory or analysis it was just me having brainworms) so I deleted it and I want to actually make an analysis about it. Unfortunatly this also means this post will be long as fuck which can be a positive or a negative depending on how you view it.

Warning for mentions of suicide and drowning

So Tsukasa and Rui both have plays that are kind of the focus of the event, to the point where wxs literally stop to basically explain to us the plot of them (in world they're just talking about it but like it's clear it's also meant for us the viewers to understand the plays they're doing).

And these two plays are already very interesting and...well dark on their own but they have a extremely strange similarity that I don't believe is a coincidence (because that would be insane) and also just kinda shakes the foundation on how colorpalet write these sorts of topics in general.

First I want to preface this by saying that me analysing these plays isn't some kind of fool's herrand as colorpalet has explicitely hid backstory information, future lore hints and overall just little bits of character into WxS's plays more often than not. Of course some plays are more explicit than others.

A huge exemple of this, is the first arc ender where the play they do to save Phennyland is one that obviously is meant to parallel Emu's backstory with her grandpa. It also stands as Very early foreshadowing between the parallels of Emu's grandpa and Tsukasa that Emu sees in Admist a Dream.

So yeah, from a writing standpoint, makes sense you don't want the plays you spent a lot of words describing to the audience to be useless especially considering colorpalet has a limited amount of time to explore these stories.

I also want to get this as early as possible before I get possible criticism because I know how this fandom acts towards analysis that delve into darker topics. Don't try and respond with "colorpalet wouldn't write something like that" or "this is too dark for colorpalet". Not only because I'm not insinuating that they will actually go full dark mode and depict something graphic.

But also because this is something that is already IN the text, I'm not making up darker themes here, that is something that colorpalet chose to add in WonderlandXShowtime's event stories. I'm only bringing up how odd this is for colorpalet and how it could relate to the overall story.

I'll bring this up later because this specific criticism gets very silly once you delve deeper into it but I don't want to stall the analysis any longer.

So now with this out of the way, let's get into the plays.

This is the story of the first play showed in Tsukasa's event

Of course the first thing that stands out is how much darker this play is compared to well...almost anything colorpalet addresses in stories ? This definitely shocked when I first read it, there is no usage of "disappearing" and it Actually describes the method as to which the protagonist wants to end their life which the only thing close to that we see is Kanade hinting on wanting to starve herself. But I'm gonna get into how weird this is for colorpalet later.

Extremely dark topics aside you can easily draw parallels to this story to Nene and Rui specifically already. The story is vague enough that those parallels don't hold too much water (ahaha get it) BUT it's still something that I feel is important to point out nontheless.

Nene and Rui were both unsuccesful in their dreams before the main story. Nene having given up going on stage and Rui never being able to be a director being forced to use robots for his plays.

Both were pretty jaded and well "worn out" until they met Tsukasa and Emu which would be a stand in for the protagonist of this play going through various encounters with many people and deciding to live a little longer.

(The reason I don't compare this protagonist to Tsukasa and Emu here is because I don't think they fit as well. Tsukasa's issues wasn't being unsuccesful its more so him forgetting the reasons behind his dreams and Emu's situation while similar just doesn't feel like it fits this story in particular)

So yeah this story is pretty simple so there is not much to analyse or pick apart. I could go scene by scene but then I would be distracting from the main point I want to make so I'll just be using the simple descriptions of the overall story.

NOW this one is a doozie, I didn't put the whole story that's described but I think compared to the last one this one is way more obvious as to what this could paralleling (or even foreshadowing if you want to be spicy).

I don't think this play is meant to be interpreted in only one way but the most obvious interpretation is the parallels to the disbandement arc. I think it particularly fits Rui in the disbandement considering how Katsuyuki is described but it can also work with Emurui in general as well.

Someone struggling meeting someone who brings joy in their life before they seemingly have to leave, said person being desperate for that not to happen.

I do think it's also meant to be a sort of double meaning here as if you have seen my cyberpunk deadboy analysis, the idea of someone leaving silently with the other trying to chase them down is something that just feels...idk intentional. But I don't have any evidence other than vibes here.

Now that I analysed these plays I want to get into the one common thread they have that is extremely baffling and concerning.

They both have the main character contemplating suicide by drowning.

Now you can be nitpicky and point out how the play in Rui's event doesn't explicitely say that this dude wants to drown himself but I just find it more likely mostly because of how this and the description of Katsuyuki's characters are phrased.

When Katsyuki is said to be "without the will to live"

THAT is a literal translation

Unfortunatly I'm not a japanese speaker so don't take my research with 100 pourcent certainty

However if you look at how this sentence is phrased in japanese, this translation is pretty much word for word

And also just what Hajime says doesn't feel like what someone would say to someone if they're just leaning to close to look at the ocean or just being reckless.

Anyways now that I've made my point that there is a 95 pourcent chance this is Heavily implying Katsuyuki was plannign on drowning himself the question is....

what the fuck ?

Now one time is already a big deal considering colorpalet's insitance on censoring explicit mentions of suicide and for it to be implied twice in the span of two events in a row ? And have it be specifically be by drowning both times ?????

I don't understand people just brushing this off because Colorpalet Actively chose to make the plays like this. These plays often take a large portion of the screentime, and I've showcased how they can hold story significance so such a blatant connection between them feels extremely intentional.

This is why complaints about expecting Colorpalet to get too dark and that it's unrealistic would be legitmatly silly because what's more unrealistic ?

That colorpalet has tackled this dark topic twice in a row to foreshadow or hint at possible topics that will be addressed in the future of WxS's story ? Weither it's through flashbacks or implications like 25ji OR even just symbolism.

Or that colorpalet just went and made the plays needlessly dark, for no reason ?????? Twice in a row with it being drowning both times ??????? With the same actor and both being the protagonist of the play ?????? Have those plays that take a lot of screentime being described just being completely devoid meaning ???????

I think I made my case about why the fandom's usual kneejerk reaction wouldn't make sense here, this isn't a "X character is secretly suicidal/depressed" situation.

Either way, I actually don't legitematly know what this could entail. This is clearly important enough that colorpalet is obviously shoving it in our faces but I do not know the meaning of it towards WxS's story just yet.

It could be hints at some of the members backstory (BTW by that I mean it could be hints at basically anything, it doesn't have to be explicitely 1/1 "they wanted to drown themselves") specifically Rui considering how suspicious they are at handling ms Rui but that is it's own can of wringling worms. But that could also be my fav character bias speaking tbf.

It could also just be meant to be some kind of like, message of colorpalet saying that they are willing to go darker with WxS's storyline if necessary. In a way showing that the gloves are off if they're not censoring dark topics that they usually censor.

Anyways I'm not delving further into it because otherwise i'd get into unhinged rants but honestly this subject just gives me so much brainworms because legit what the Fuck is colorpalet doing rn.

They are being so weird for literally no reason with WxS's story and I just have to sit back and watch them just drop weird shit out of nowhere.

Edit : One of my friends pointed out how one of them is a movie and one of them is a play and i realised I might've mixed those words up while writing this so yeah 😭

[loopingpyre]

Yeah, fair enough on the needing more detail point, I sort of wanted to test the waters to see if you'd even care first, cause I wasn't gonna waste time typing out a whole thing if the notion of JRPGs being fundamentally flawed didn't interest you and then you deleted my ask. So I guess I'll now oblige and explain in more detail.

I've been playing a few of the SMT games because my girlfriend really likes them and I, being a good girlfriend (trying to!) want to show that I care about her interests. Prior to this I've only really played Persona 3 and 5 and Yakuza 7. For this, I played Soul Hackers 2, and Devil Survivor 1 and 2 (1 to Yuzu's ending, and 2 to Ronaldo's ending), and about an hour of SMT V, which I found boring, and she, having played the whole game (I'm pretty sure) agrees with me that it's boring, so I decided to not keep playing it (for now at least)

My main issue with most all of these games comes mostly threefold: the amount of time and commitment they take, the difficulty and in particular the manner in which it is imposed, and the heavily formulaic nature of their plots. These are sort of holistic issues, I guess, so I can't really neatly divide them, but I'll try.

First of all: the time commitment. Playing both Devil Survivors to a single ending took me around thirty to forty hours each, going off of my save files. (I was playing the 3DS versions, mind, and listening to all the voice acting, which surely extended the time played.) I understand that it gets faster on NG+, and in itself, this isn't exactly the biggest of deals, because video games in general take a long time (it's the way it is really), but JRPGs just feel like they take way longer than the average video game and this issue compounds when one considers the latter two flaws I've observed.

So, secondarily: The difficulty, and the way it's imposed. Soul Hackers 2 obviously is not a hard game, and there's not that much variance in its content, and it's not the longest of these sorts of games, either, so I wouldn't say it's the greatest offender here (using that term feels wrong...), but with Devil Survivor 1, I felt this the most. About 80 percent of the way through the game, which I'd generally found to be quite unchallenging for the most part, I found myself suddenly struggling against Belial (the fire demon). During a grinding session in which I was trying to level myself up so that I could weather my way through this (to my annoyance, as I found the grinding incessantly tedious, more on that later), my girlfriend looked over my shoulder, and said "why do your stats look like that?"

You see, my stats, at the time, all four, magic, vitality, agility, and uh... What was the fourth one. Strength! Yeah, um they were *all* at exactly 17 (give or take 1.) I explained to her, rather calmly, that I had done this because I couldn't really choose which of the four stats I wanted more of, and thought it would be best if I made all of these numbers perfectly balanced and equal.

This is an approach I almost always take in most any video game that offers any form of upgrade or skill tree: I struggle with overchoice, can't choose a priority to go for, so every time I have resources with which to upgrade, I just upgrade whatever is most recently neglected such that I have a generally well-rounded skill set and can do a bit of everything.

She, an SMT veteran, immediately went like, "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO "

And explained to me that the way I was *supposed* to do this, was to specialize in one area or another, magic or strength or tanking damage with high health, or whatever. To which I said "HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT!" She insisted I should have just known it, I guess? Anyway, I considered this a grievous design flaw that irreparably impaired my enjoyment of the game. As I did not have an old save file with which to revert my statting decisions, and did not wanted to restart the entire game, nor did I want to grind the same fucking goddamned shibuya battle over and over and over and over and over again for god knows how many hours until I somehow corrected my stats

I opted to use my (hacked) 3DS to install an external cheat which inflated my protagonist's level to 99 with all four stats at their maximum of 40. I did this because I had decided I hated how this game was balanced and wanted to finish it and no longer waste my time. I felt pleased with this decision, because I was playing through the bad ending in which the cast brute forces their way out of the lockdown and ruining the world, while myself brute forcing my way out of the game and ruining the game balance. *ahem* I mean, fixing the game balance

My girlfriend said "I'm glad you had fun ruining one of my favorite games :(((" In response, I opined that Devil Survivor would have been better if it were a straightforward visual novel.

While Soul Hackers 2 does not have this specific issue, given that Ringo's stats are all mostly preset by the game and you can only mildly boost them here and there, I did instead take umbrage with the way that the later floors of the Soul Matrix dungeon were organized around teleporters which teleport you from one island of the floor to another, with no clear sense of rhyme or reason to their routing. I considered these teleporters to be arbitrary and stupid, as they were frustrating, and demanded that I have the capacity for rote memorization of the layout and teleporter placement of an entire dungeon whose corners broadly look all the damn same. I called these a blatantly egregious example of "fake difficulty".

She warned me never to touch several of the older SMT games.

I booted up Devil Survivor 2, with my girlfriend's advice about specialization in mind. I enjoyed the game a lot more than Devil Survivor 1, but, for the sake of mitigating gameplay frustration, I pirated the DLC. I quickly realized I would not enjoy the grinding, even with the reduction of grinding that the DLC enables, and cheated to have infinite money so I could have more fun with the game. I went for Ronaldo's ending, because he's sort of a leftist and his voice acting makes him sound like Knuckles the Echidna from Sonic the Hedgehog, and I thought siding with "communist Knuckles the Echidna" was a very funny image

Anyway, across all three of these experiences, I generally wondered, "do I like these? do I like their stories? do I like their gameplay?" and I feel like the answer is broadly sort of... yes, sometimes, but generally no?

I kinda just don't really understand the appeal of being railroaded into repetitive tasks for the sake of increasing numbers that then decide whether or not you win, rather than like, your actual skill, which is just down to pressing the same buttons over and over. I get that part of the appeal is the long-term strategy of building your party, and that's valid and all, but I tend to very quickly get frustrated with it because often times I fail to intuit the correct strategy ahead of time, and the solution turns out to be "rewind the clock back several hours!" and I don't want to do that and have to redo all the work I did up to that point, and then potentially have to rewind again if I do it wrong.

So, the appeal is supposed to be the strategy, I guess, which just takes a lot of dedication that I don't have in me, but if I dial that down to make it easier, then the game's reduced to pressing more buttons, and, just isn't really fun at all in the way it's supposed to be. And that all might be fine if the story was worth the effort, but... is it?

All of these games have very thin narratives which all more or less boil down to "humanity good" vs "humanity bad" vs "humanity bad but sometimes good so it's worth it (sometimes)" ideological conflicts that all end up with killing one or another divine or cosmic entity with omnipotence of one or another variety, and like, cool, I guess, is that worth 50-100 hours of effort? Is that something I'm invested enough in to throw myself into an entire series, hell, an entire genre, of games for? I'm not really sure that it is, to me, so. Weh?

Is that really all that there is to this entire game genre? Like, outside of indie games that mostly have their own issues (they're all very derivatively ripping off Mother 3 and/or Undertale and/or Chrono Trigger and not generally bringing a lot of new mechanical ideas, and even still they just kinda find their way back to the issue of the grind not being that fun most of the time)

And my girlfriend has just argued to most of this that maybe I just don't like the games, and I shouldn't force myself to like them, and she'd like to please stop rehashing this argument with me, and maybe she's right, maybe I just don't enjoy JRPGs, and that's okay, but uh...

I don't know. I want to try and see what she sees in them and find out if I can really care about them the way she does. She has a Jack Frost plushie that I sometimes play with, and it's cute, and I want to care about him more the way she does, not just because he's cute but because I've played these games and had fun and know who he is and definitely don't hate his stupid little face aaahh I love him so much

and I keep inventing fun little lore for Frosty the Jack Frost plushie (she calls him Frosty) about how he sells stuff he stole to the Black Market which is owned by Black Frost, and he's planning to kill King Frost and overthrow the Frost Monarchy, and all that, and she seems to find that cute even though she keeps contradicting it with lore and trivia from the games and I keep going "well I dunno *in the back of my mind: but maybe I want to know*" and like

I'm sorry if this seems like an insane unhinged rant but I just really love my girlfriend and I think it'd hurt a little to have to give up on something she really loves, even if I know, intellectually, that she loves me more, and that that won't change if I don't like SMT, and it's okay if I don't like them.

But I want to like them. I genuinely do. I don't know how to like them and I don't know how to tell her I want to like them and am not trying to start a fight with her over something she loves. I don't know. Am I missing something?

for the record I kind of like a lot of things Soul Hackers 2 does and I think I'd like it a lot more if it was finished but that's a can of worms I maybe shouldn't open....

Holy shit this is so much and thank you so much also for caring enough for my opinion because i have a whole lot to say here, and I adore these games.

Let's break it down point by point.

Belial is fairly challenging, the game is hard. And I think your girlfriend has done you a severe disservice. If she wanted you to min-max your stats in a certain direction, she should have told you about that straight up. I can understand her immediate reaction due to it being uncommon, but how is that your fault? The game is actually designed for it anyway.

You're given party members that focus on different niches, Yuzu and Midori and Keisuke can all perform powerful magic offensive roles, Atsuro is a strong tank, Kaido has powerful offensive stats, and you share a skill pool, so having a less specialised build is really only going to make it that much harder if you try to make your protag the main attacker, which some SMT vets seem to instinctively do in these games. Having a mix means you could play the healer, carry an extra element or phys attack or status condition to cripple a foe.

I personally would have leant towards a code that lets you boost levels faster, but I think her response to cheating was unreasonable. I think the game is balanced well even if you make an even spread but you're trying to have fun and try her thing. Kind of rude to you really, because sometimes you just need to cheat, these games are HARD. Remember that escort mission earlier on? Kind of needlessly tricky.

There's a reason that new versions of these releases have additional easy modes. In some of their PS2 game promotion, Atlus PR famously said 'we get off on your tears'. That mentality has somewhat changed since. Whilst some, like I, say that the difficulty is kind of part of the point, there's only so much you should have to put up with. I actively reccommend cheats in some games as a way to ease you in, when they are so challenging.

(Were you playing the DS version? The Yuzu ending certainly isnt a 'bad ending' on 3ds. The 8th day makes it one of my fave endings. Trying to complete every ending is a fool's endeavor in my opinion, and you should only lean towards what you think is best. Maybe look up an ending guide on the offchance the cool ending you want is hidden in some way so you never have to touch the game again unless you actually want to. The point is about you making Your Choice.)

Moving along, Ronnie my beloved. Love that guy, his route is easily the best. I love Soul Hackers 2 despite it's frustratingly flaws of 'they ripped half the game out and sold it as day 1 dlc' and 'the fucking soul matrix', and a lot of people just dismiss it out of hand based on early dungeon design and miss out on the way it deals with it's cast. Im so glad you can SEE IT.

Within many Shin Megami Tensei games, the stat grinding difficulty is the point insofar as you are fighting a world that is falling apart and wants you dead. And even so, you keep fighting and surviving. These titles can be rather samey as they go over their various aspects of humanity over and over, but thus can they really be made a representative of the JRPG genre? What about Pokemon, which is about adventuring and bonding with your creatures? SMT has a distinct theme they stick to that they repackage in different flavours. Fuck it, play old ones and cheat in them. Load up on macca and buy a gazillion healing items to cut down the grind and overall playtime.

I've noticed a distinct absence of the Persona games too? Which is strange given how they all differ from traditional smt in terms of theming.

My favourite RPGs are 'The World Ends With You' and 'The Caligula Effect 2'. Entirely different from SMT and dont focus on 'humanity' in that way at all and they absolutely aren't representative of more mainstream JRPGs.

(sidenote, what are your favourite RPGs out of curiosity? I can probably help you hunt down some specific titles that you would like more?)

I adore your Jack Frost lore. Why can't that work in canon? Little fairy friend SHOULD overthrow the frost monarchy!

(and that sort of stuff is encouraged in Atlus' other series Etrian Odyssey, which is a dungeon crawler where you make a team of customised guys (you can start anywhere).

I think the only thing you can really do is play more, but i dont think you should push yourself either or you could burn out and appreciate it less. I'm sorry that I don't have magical advice that will solve that conundrum.

Thank you so much for coming to me though, it means a lot and I hope this ramble does anything for you. Im trying to check on my phone that I covered everything in your post and Im so sorry if I missed anything (please point it out if so).

Best of luck?

[ant1quarian]

Mmm.

Slight vent/rant under the cut, more just so I can get my thoughts out lmao, rather than asking for anything specific

'Cause this is a positive blog, feel free to just ignore this lmao! I'm not explicitly wanting help or anything :D

Uh. CW: Talk about death, mentions of suicide (I'm not suicidal dw pat pat) and just. General life struggles.

( Likely gonna delete this later pfft )

Ahem. ough. I try to keep it happy on here, but y'know, sometimes I gotta ramble.

And ramble I shall!

,,, so to start this on a random note and address the content warnings:

I think about death. A lot. Not in a suicidal or homocidal way, just considering the ways I could die. Not exactly,,, intrusive thoughts, either?

Or whether the things I'm experiencing is me slowly getting wiped off of the census, or just my body being funky.

But specifically just... death itself. Is it nice? Comforting? Or is it cold? Frigid?

Or is it just the... end of everything. You're here and then you're recycled into the ecosystem.

I think I'm a bit too nonchalant about it. The thought of death. The thought of nothingness beyond the life I'm living.

I'll be honest- the thought of going to heaven or hell is nothing but... tiring, to me. Life beyond what I've already got? Again? For the rest of eternity?

Yeah nah, I'll pass.

I don't want to die, but when it comes for me, I won't protest.

This world isn't exactly great to live in, anyway.

A never-ending cycle of running and running on that hamster wheel, desperately trying to keep up with the others. Because if you get left behind it's incredibly difficult to crawl back onto that wheel when barely anyone's willing to step out to help you.

To me, life is rather... futile. A thing I'm willing to suffer through, but not... fun. Not entirely. Sure it has its moments but... it's not...

....

great. Heh.

,,,

Yeah. Life feels pretty futile to me, but I'll keep living.

Stars, does the future seem so far away- like I'm reaching into a vague fog, grasping for objects that I'm not sure whether are really there.

I'm...

Scared.

Of it.

The thought of having to constantly work in order to have enough money to sustain myself. The thought of debt- of owing someone something- and having to step out into the world by myself.

I know having friends helps- and so does family.

... but it's only really ever been me. Us. At the core of everything.

Heh.

It's... hard. And I am so tired. I am so fucking exhausted.

But I'll keep going. I'll keep living.

I've never been one to give up.

[hot-take-tournament]

HOT TAKE TOURNAMENT

PRE-PRELIMINARY #63

"Prev tags" should never have become a thing.

[JUSTIFICATION UNDER THE CUT]

Pre-preliminaries will be used to determine what qualifies as a hot take. Propaganda is encouraged!

Also, remember to reblog your favourite polls for exposure! (exposure like when you’re exposed to the fact that the KISS Scooby Doo crossover does actually exist, scarring you for life)

"Prev tags" is just annoying, inefficient, only works sometimes, and just dumb as fuck. Like, if someone tells you a funny story, and you wanna relay it to someone else, you're gonna be like "Hey, this person told me a funny story! I'm gonna relay it to you." You WOULDN'T go up to someone and be like "GO FIND THIS PERSON WHO TOLD ME A FUNNY STORY." Like, holy shit that's just dumb. The scavenger hunt aspect simply is not worth it. In my experience, it NEVER is worth it. It just puts me in a bad mood. Plus, what if it's a long post? You want people to have to scroll up and down and up and down just to get to those tags? Holy shit, no! That's just irritating!

And people like to claim 'Oh, prev tags is an INTEGRAL feature to the site!" NO IT IS NOT. It started popping up in 2021. The first time I remember seeing it, it was a text post, and everyone was going "prev" and the OP's tags were just a "spike trap" joke, where it told people to prev tags them. THAT IS THE ORIGIN. Prev tags isn't an ancient feature from the era of SuperWhoLock that we cannot leave behind- in fact, in posts FROM that era, people would copy-paste or screenshot tags and commonly be like "Why would you leave this in the tags?" Prev tags can't do that!! We steal tags here, sir! Posting someone else's tags in the body of the post has been part of the site's culture for AGES!

Not to mention- prev tags has really bad archival issues. Say you're on a post, and there's something in the tags you consider a great addition, so you go "prev" along with the rest of your tags for posts like these. A month later, the person you "prev"d has deactivated for whatever reason, or maybe they've deleted the post. Those tags are gone. They are just GONE. You can't get them back, you can't view them again, the tags are completely gone. Meanwhile, screenshotting or copy-pasting the tags preserves them.

(This is, to a lesser extent, worse for me, since I have ADHD, which negatively impacts my memory. So no, I do not automatically remember my hilarious tags.)

Many people like to claim "Oh, that's not the point of it, prev tags is for privately telling the person who left the tags you appreciate them!" Which, first of all if they don't like prev tags, that'll just tick them off. But second of all... If you wanna tell them you liked their tags, message them??? A friendship of mine started and persists because my friend messages me posts I've tagged like "Good tags" or smth like that. That would not have happened if I'd just been "prev tags"d.

And if anything, prev tags decreases communication between us. That friend of mine and I have commonly had conversations about those tags, since they're most often related to blorbos. And our friendship is stronger because of that! If they'd just been like "prev" that wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't have had all those great conversations. I wouldn't have that friend. I know, messaging people scary, but I highly doubt people are gonna find being messaged about how awesome their tags were irritating. Please, just actually talk to EACH OTHER instead of talking in the tags! Subject yourself to the mortifying ideal of being known, it will reward you!

I'll die on this fucking hill. Out of any hill, I will die here.

[omgkalyppso]

I posted this before but deleted it both because I was embarrassed and because I was worried I'd severely fucked up Astarion's age for the nth time, originally referenced from This Post. But I've seen many more analyses and I think it's right. I think it is. Anyway!

EDIT: I DID GET HIS AGE WRONG because that is the post I meant to reference. But I'm not fixing it. 232.

I was tagged by @luinen-bluewater to complete this far simpler ship meme: otp, ot3/4.

Here is the template I actually used: ot3. Here's the otp version.

I'll tag a few people to complete any of the templates referenced: Luinen, @the-eldritch-it-gay, @vlwv, @tadpole-apocalypse, @boghermit, @lemonbronze, @littleplasticrat and YOU.

I'll put the above image chopped up below the cut so it's easier viewing for the curious. And I'll ramble a bit more (bg3 spoilers, discussion of vampirism and character deaths).

In my headcanons, Astarion neither remains a spawn nor becomes the Vampire Ascendant, he becomes a vampire, and some hundreds of years later he turns Étoile to a vampire as well (this post / these headcanons need reviewing after the epilogue changes with the Crown, but we'll see).

With this in mind, I was thinking of Halsin being the longest of their lovers and how Étoile could possibly handle his death:

Étoile and Astarion occupied on some adventure / business or other, and when they return, an unaffected or perhaps impatient messenger has come to deliver news of Halsin's death. And it is so long after the others of their relevant, initial, adventuring party has passed (or maybe not. Lae'zel is a wild card (no aging on the astral plane)). Still, i can imagine one of them snapping. I think it's more interesting if it's Étoile, saying aloud that the messenger is mistaken, that surely the message is that Halsin's ill and is calling to see them a final time — Astarion's near shouting in embarrassment and worry, telling the messenger to go, calling Étoile's name, grabbing their arm until Étoile says loudly that they heard them. They heard what they said. And also sends the poor messenger away.

But then I started considering an alternative which I felt was ooc for Halsin from the base game but which I think is more possible / within the scope of his character after the addition of the epilogue. Reminder that Étoile is a paladin of the neutral evil goddess Auril, started bg3 as neutral good but whom I consider neutral evil, and is an Oathbreaker by the end of their adventure:

Halsin at like 820 or older, life expectancy 700-1000, veering wildly between peace with the natural order of things and intense discomfort with things that feel unfinished, the way they always do. And sometime with Étoile leaned against his chest he speaks of Silvanus, the Oakfather, of children and elders in all families of creatures have come and gone, of how his druidic order has changed more slowly than a tree spreads its roots, and how never in all that time did Étoile ask him to abandon his god and his (god's) comfort for the sake of vampirism and eternity. Fondly, expecting Halsin to imagine it an irritation after his speech, Étoile recalls that Astarion did, three hundred or so years ago. Étoile points out that they know the comfort they found in their worship, and they would never have sought to steal that from him (Halsin). To be a vampire is unnatural, lost to his Oakfather. Halsin points out that he has felt that Étoile has wanted to ask before, even if it has always remained unsaid, in the emptiness in their chest (lack of heartbeat), in the slant of their mouth when his (Halsin's) movement is broken with age, in how they've (Étoile has) breathed in his silver hair the more it's overcome him, something that felt respectful once, but now he's past where his end should have been, and the temptation of rekindling old strengths, the hope of another thousand years, through vampirism, shames him (Halsin) greatly. The selfishness of an old mind. Why wouldn't it have felt like a possibility a hundred years ago, two hundred, more? How could he dare to think of continuing a protection of his forest, of caring for his kin, if he lost all connection to them, and even fears what makes them the same in their morality so much that he would dare forsake it. If he was going to lose his faith, why wouldn't he have done so when he was younger and different, except that he was stronger then, in body and in mind. And yet what difference would there be, feasting upon the wild in the woods? And Étoile would be blunt about the differences, and about how there are even laws now, that they helped put in place. "They" could punish them both greatly for this, but the transformation itself would be their shared shame. He could be their first spawn, and perhaps their only, but if he wanted this now — that it was no corruption of age, just a changed heart. And they would happily accept him into their home if all beasts and men turned from him as a decree from his Oakfather -- but he would have to be sure, because the fallout could be immeasurable. Étoile would try to do it permissably, but they would turn Halsin in secret, if need be. And what if "they" were like. fucking no???? and to ensure you don't do this thing we're going to keep you sealed, either in an area or in a fucking coffin until your druid has passed. (Astarion would lose his fucking mind.)

Abbreviated:

Halsin: what if i've lived long enough to see myself become the villain. Étoile: well my ship has sailed, and you know, if i meet you in hell then it's not hell

I think though that Halsin's village would have warm, clean shelters under the ground, just below the surface as if to shelter from storms, but well-used and familiar to vampires after years of shared knowledge and resources. They'd be glad to claim him.

OH! And Étoile's birthday is Oct 20th (their date of creation during early access was Oct 20 2020), I gave Astarion Sept 22nd (first day of autumn), and Halsin May 13th (he seems like a Taurus and I figured he'd be worn and irksome about having a birthday that often falls on a day associated with bad luck (Friday the 13th)).

[lil-melody-moon]

Since you were so kind to start the weekend asking session™️ I wanted to ask you a similar question: How did you realize that writing was a passion of yours? And since when? Are you considering your recent activity a good period or a bad period for your creativity?

Kissies❤️❤️❤️❤️🐥

Hehe, I kind if forgot about it, but shhhh 😂

Oh I didn't realize writing is my passion until recently. I've always treated is as one of many hobbies of mine, playing video games always taking over it, but now that I'm trying to quit gaming, focus on books and studies more, I find myself enjoying writing more than ever.

The "His Sweet Candy" story being the proof of that. The last time I was this happy about writing was back when I was writing on Quotev from 2015 to 2022 I think. There are works from 2015 to 2017 there are the ones I've enjoyed writing.

From 2017 up until 2023 writing felt like a chore that I had to do, rather than something I wanted to do. There is a gap in publishing from 2022 to 2023 for a reason. I had to gather myself and finally grow the fuck up. Those years are also very messy, but I'll not dwell on that, it's in the past. I will put a link to my quotev account later if you want to check how different I was those years ago - I hope you won't get a heart attack, this is the time I was mostly lost in fiction (stories from 2017 and foreword). Yugioh stories are not from this time period, the letter are.

But that wasn't when I started writing. I think my first written work I did was at the age of 8. It was a tiny story about a rabbit (I think it was about the one from "Winnie the Pooh"). What kicked in the writing tho was not that. I actually have a story with writing because 8 years old me saw the death of her favorite character in tv and tiny me so wanted to change the ending that she swore she'll learn writing and change that and I actually did that, but deleted the once written work in 2022. This like crossed the line in my writing and made it more mature, so as it is now.

The period of writing I'm in now feels just like the time of writing I had at the beginning. No rush, no pressure, I write what I want, it's great 💜 And I've gained the courage to write more explicit stuff - thank you, Anja 💜 - and also I've found the happiness in writing something for someone. The joy I see after they read it is something I can die for!

Sending much much love 💜

[hypocriticaltypwriter]

(Mikey inspired me so here we go: more Mikayla info for ya)

She has little to no vocal training for her voice (Jason Patric already has a sexy voice. Why the hell would I want to alter perfection??). She speaks a bit softer, but since she's a bit more reserved, nobody notices the difference. I once read a post about a trans woman getting compliments from a man for her deeper voice. He found it far more attractive that lighter, babyish voices. That's Mikayla. Also considering it's the 80s and everyone in their mother smokes, she can blend in more since more people have a bit of a rasp to their voices.

Speaking of the 80s! If we're going by period accuracy, then in 1987 she identifies as "transsexual". It isn't until the modern world comes into play where she alters her vocabulary to "transgender".

Loves being girly but fucking HATES sitting like a girl. She cannot believe how uncomfortable it is to sit with her legs crossed and tucked. You can pry the man spread from her cold, dead hands. Lucy constantly scolds her to not sit "frog-legged".

Whenever she needs to work out for gym or cheer practice she puts some Cyndi Lauper, Madonna, or Whitney Houston on her cassette player. She's definitely apart of the 80s aerobics movement. Jane Fonda ain't got nothing on Mikayla.

Her favorite movie is The Goonies because she thinks both Andie and Brand are attractive (totally not putting my own preferences on her or anything 👀💦)

Nearly cried the first time her girl friends offered to head to the restroom with her. She had no idea girls were so close and considerate.

Biggest regret she has is not punching the living hell out of her father before Lucy packed her and Sam up for their move.

Instead of picking up trash on the beach for work like in the movie (because the deleted scene only has them picking men to do the work) she tries out a few shifts at a local seafood restaurant to make some money.....before she keeps oversleeping due to the vampirism she gets later lol

Girlie just had naturally flawless skin. All her cheerleader friends have a ten step routine and Mikayla just shocks them with a simple wash and drugstore moisturizer combo. I think she gets it from Lucy.

Mikayla is literally the woman I want to be and more YOURE TELLIJG ME JUST SLATHERS ON SOME DRUGSTORE MOISTURIZER AND SHE LOOKS THAT GORGEOUS??? I'm not sure if I'm in love or jealous

I feel like if she ever gave anyone a compilent [me please me please m-] with her voice they're KNEES BUCKLING AND FALLING TO THE FLOOR

Theyre gonna have to lock me up before I start going crazy you guys I'll explode

[humanmorph]

post about PAL 41. yeah you know which bit. (I deleted this post by accident and had to entirely rewrite it and I am JUST posting it now. might change some stuff later if need be)

First of all "No, you dont get it Dre. I want you to FAIL" bitch me toooooooo

The Future reveal was extremely good. what a strong visual. after everything else that happened, it's still this that lingers with me... God... And at least to me a complete surprise. It's really great as a parallel to the other side of the game with the Axiom as a being unlike (but not entirely) Divines, precisely because they've excised humans/synthetics from their creation and being... and Future is not that and can't be that but it is able to wield itself, no Elect necessary. (In a different post I once said I wasn't sure if that had ever happened before, and I completely forgot about Liberty&Discovery. I did not this time.) There's a lot of different things going on with Divines this season, and some spanning back from PARTIZAN too - I think it's impressive that nontheless it all coheres. I already saw someone put this in a way I really liked, maybe I'll try to find that post again later.

I have thoughts about Figure going back to/from their introduction in PARTIZAN, but it all feels a little pointless. The crux of it is that I would've found the character/their arc more interesting played in a slightly different way, and Dre didn't want to do that, or they would've. Usual disclaimer it's their character etc. and I do see why this is the way it is and how it fits together... I have a whole bit about it in my notes app somewhere I don't feel like dropping in here, but in the end they're just not my favourite PC. Which feels kind of mean(?) to say when they just died, but it does color how I feel about this...? It's not like I'm particulary sad, and I'm also not happy about it. Kind of grimly saying Hrm!, I guess. And I did really love their bonds to other player characters. Back in PZN too, I really liked some of the conversations with Kalar expecially, and in PAL the Cori-Figure relationship was an absolute standout, and I liked them asserting themself more generally post-Perennial too... And then throughout this season they've also always been intrisically connected to NPCs I either really really loved or found super compelling. And then they blew up I am excited about Cori getting to deal with Yet More Grief! Expecially considering their gravity clocks - she's aware that they saw her as someone to take care of, vaguely parental, and the clock is about that being somewhat frustrating to her. But she's also clearly glad that they care about her, and she does love them too, so... Well. I think it'll be awesome : ) Kind of wondering what Clem is up to but also she's not really on my radar currently. 👍 And Gur. Oooooh Gur is So Fucked. Completely even Beyond being fucked. It's grim. Everytime I thought it couldn't get worse for him, he's really been through the wringer, huh?, it does. it does get worse.

Well with all that. I'm still not sure how I feel about this as an end to Figure's arc. It's sudden, it's senseless, it's cruel... And it does hit REALLY well as a moment/scene, because Friends at the Table knows how to do the damn thing (the song really got me. The way it stops suddenly), I just don't know how I'll look back on it going forward. & It's the same for Gur (moreso, even) in that it's not like I can't see how this is extremely compelling & the way it works. The way they are working at it and how it frames both characters' whole arc and past decisions... It's just that I also am unhappy about it. Emotionally. I generally think it's worth it to think about why that might be and after mulling it over it's pretty simple: this is very bleak and I'm not able to enjoy that right now. I'm happy (well.) to leave it at that for now. And it really does depend on future developments too. I felt a similar way (not quite the same) about Valences death - and I do occasionally wonder about a shape of the story with them (and hell, Chrysanth) in it - but there was a lot of things I really loved that came out of their death, be it character developments or world changes, that in the end, I do quite like it. What doesn't really hit for me is. Or rather... I feel strange about "small wheels are breaking". Deeply sad to me in a way I can't quite say how yet. Maybe I've misunderstood "the Wheel breaks" this whole time, which like, that's on me, but I'm not sure where to go with it. Waiting & curious about "knock-on effects" for now. Perennial.... : (

And gurrrrrrrrr. fuck meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee he absolutely cannot catch a break ever in his life/death. oooooohhhh my goodddddddd I do commend Keith for trying. I really do. The moment he was like "Where is real Gur?" I had the tiniest bit of hope. Like yeah PLEASE let Keith do some fucking bullshit. Need that rn. Alas. The dice

Like the world if Eclectic hadn't failed that roll...... fuck the dice for realllllll... [COUNTER/WEIGHT SPOILERS. still about PALISADE though] I JUST listened to Mako grab that damn thing in the C/W finale. A WEEK ago I did that. Oh it's just so cool to put next to each other, both Future itself but also the act of taking it (or failing to do so. And also of course Gur, who himself stole Future) and the way it then so completely shaped itself/it's presence/powers after who carried. That's why it's Zeal for Mako and Ambition for Orth (which I was thinking about the other day when I was looking at the fatt.wiki page... it's titled Zeal and that's literally just the case because Mako grabbed it first. If Aria had gotten it like she was supposed to by winning the auction we would probably not know about that other stuff!). There's even a fun way Future's change is reflected in the mechanics: because they were playing Firebrands there literally wasn't a roll to take it. There was no failure, because it would/could not do anything but be wielded. [C/W SPOILERS end.] Though it's interesting to think about that Future isn't a name given by themself either, though they might've genuinely adopted it. It's the Principality's. I've always loved this bit about Motion from PZN 33:

AUSTIN: [...] These things that we call Divines, whether we think of them as our weapons, or our highways, or our saints or gods or mirrors: they aren't ours at all. No matter how well we shop for names to place on their frames, our words are just ill fitting costumes.

But I don't know!!! I wish they'd gotten to talk to it!! It's so interesting to me the way Austin talked about the Ring (since Keith referenced LOTR) being tired of being worn, the Ring wearing itself. Again, extremely cool to me! Also that it's way to... protect itself (? Eclectic took a peril from Divine Blast & Figure. yeap) is still about the thing they detached itself from, which is what do YOU envision. What could YOU do with me.

I did really like the power of the Divine Opposition going through Eclectic causing an earthquake "it's like a rage boiling up in you, maybe". That was sick as fuck. And I really am so curious about Delegates relationship to Divines... I've said this before... I think it's very interesting that Eclectic doesn't fw it, but what do other Delegates think? How do they feel about weaving magic? Do they know to what extend they even have that power? Keith said Eclectic had never weaved magic before, which isn't true, he did, to get into a bathroom after stalking a random stranger (Connadine) (this is still extremely funny.), but in a sense that really is a very mundane way to use divine magic. And to have this literally seismic event happen because of the power coming from a part of himself that he already doesn't connect with, but DID reach out to in a critical moment in opposition to himself, and he didn't have any control over it at all? That's cool to me!!! I don't really have a neat point to make here, I just really want more about Delegates. It somewhat depends on Eclectic making it to next season or not, since I'm guessing the focus will shift away from Palisade as a place. But I just don't want them as a group to vanish from view, whether we have a player character representing them or not (......... Branched............ If you're out there.................. Call me.........).

Last thing but when the computer smell was mentioned I immediately thought of the Afflictions. Was this just because the other scene prominently featuring a smell ("AUSTIN: But it smells like Valence here. ALI: Shut the fuck up. What are you talking about?") had one of those in it? Yes absolutely. It's also a little wishful thinking, because I like them a lot.

[azems-familiar]

🥤🐇🦷🍅 for the writer ask? :O

🥤 ⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love

i'll do ffxiv for this since that's the fandom we share. this is a pretty popular emetraha fic but i'm obsessed with how it's written. i also have to, obviously, highlight @thewitchofelpis for their DELIGHTFUL hythazemet and hythwolemet!

🐇 ⇢ do you prefer writing original characters, reader inserts, or a mix of both? 

i know reader inserts are all the rage for some people (and i respect that) but i hate reading them and i will never write them, lol. ocs on the other hand....sometimes i wish the oc printer in my brain would turn off. what am i supposed to do with all these guys. they're not even paying rent.

🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on

so this isn't a trick i use anymore, because i've mostly outgrown the need for it, but when i was a new writer doing nanowrimo for the first time (an event which focuses on word count/quantity over quality/get the novel written so you can edit it later) (as a side note i no longer endorse them given everything that's happened but the event was an important part of my life for multiple years so there's that), something i really struggled with was constantly writing and erasing things. some advice i was given was if i found a sentence or a paragraph or a scene or whatever didn't work, instead of deleting it, turn the text red (or another color), leave it there, and move on. you could probably also cut it out and stick it on another doc, if you preferred doing that. but that let me write without fear of deleting everything, or fear of fucking it up, because i had that stress-free option, and sometimes i could come back to those bits and pieces and use them for something else. even if i didn't, those were still words i wrote to be proud of and worth keeping around because i wrote them!

🍅 ⇢ give yourself some constructive criticism on your own writing

i'm not going to answer this one, and here's why: i struggle deeply with self-image and one of my worst issues that i'm constantly working on is my own tendency to consider everything i write bad, to not see the positive elements in it, and to need to be talked out of erasing whole swathes of story when i'm not happy with them. (you see why the above tip was helpful for me when i was younger.) while concrit is an incredibly useful thing, it's something i only personally engage in in specific mindsets, and the constant critical urge is something i'm attempting to train out of myself - and so since i already read my own writing through a heavily critical lens, this is something i'm not going to encourage in myself further!

[geneticallymodifiedidiot]

funny stupid sad angry post

uh so the poll said yes

so here goes? i've got no idea how to do this

tw: vent, self-sabotage, sh/cutting, eating disorder(?)/calorie counting, suicide ideation

please for the love of god if any of these trigger you in any way don't read this through. i'm not worth making your triggers worse. don't do that to yourself.

this is a really long fucking post. we'll see if i end up deleting it. if people just tell me that my problems aren't that bad (which is totally possible) then i'll delete it. no harm done.

let the brain dump begin

why am i doing this? it's not like i'd let myself accept help if anyone decided to try

uh idk it feels like i'm not doing enough

i'm not good enough for my friends, my school performance isn't good enough, i'm not doing enough to help other in general, i'm not doing enough to maintain relationships with my family and other people close to me, my "skills" aren't good enough, my problem aren't good enough to be considered problems, a lot of stuff like that

like the friend thing is like i feel like my friends are way better at being supportive and helping each other than i am, i'm trying my best but i can't seem to do enough because we're all just sad and i feel like i can't help

i constantly want to tell my friends "hey, you guys know that if i'm not a good enough friend, you can leave/stop being my friend and i won't get mad, right?" but i don't because i'm worried they actually might.

i went on a really long trip overseas this past summer and spent some time with family and i feel like i was a terrible person the whole time because my egg had cracked like a solid two weeks beforehand and i hated the idea of having to exist as two people at once bc my family has not exactly presented themselves as the most trans-friendly people but they also haven't made it so it's obviously a bad idea to come out to them. just a collection of offhand comments and unclear/lack of messaging around trans people has made it so i feel like it would be a bad idea, but if i'm wrong, then these people deserve better from me and not for me to hide myself from them.

the most unclear part of this for me is my mom, because like she's not the best but it's not obvious to me if she's actually bad. like i've seen a lot of things especially on this site about how trauma and abuse are overused terms but i don't know what qualifies. whenever i see examples i seem to fall in a middle ground between them. like it's mostly mental. she doesn't hit me (although idk i feel like i might remember some stuff from very long ago and there's one major event that i'm not going to get into) but there's just some things. like when i tried to come out as aroace, she never explicitly rejected that, but she also didn't... say anything. both times. and also when i first told her that i thought i might have adhd, she said something along the lines of "oh yeah, when you were young the doctor said you had some adhd tendencies, but we're not going to get you diagnosed because i don't want you to use it as an excuse." which, i guess, but something doesn't seem right about that.

but she's not explicitly terrible either, like i have stuff. she lets me leave the house pretty often. she's not super uptight about grades as long as i don't miss assignments. idk, it's super confusing. it's not entirely her fault either, she's an immigrant and english is her second language. there's a big age gap between us (40 years) its probably hard for her to raise a child, especially one as horrifically difficult to deal with as me. one time she said she hated me, but she apologized later and said she misspoke. which is fair i guess, she was under stress at the time. if i was her, id probably hate me too. idk i feel bad for saying i miss my dad (he died 5 years ago) my mom's trying her best and she got the bad luck of getting a child that is much more difficult than she bargained for. god im a terrible child lol.

oh, on the adhd thing- i feel like i exhibit symptoms for adhd pretty recognizably (although im not diagnosed, so its technically possible that i don't and i just need to try a little bit harder) but also i feel like i exhibit some signs of autism. but again. what. the heck. qualifies. i don't like drums (especially snare drums, which are RIGHT BEHIND ME IN BAND WHY-) and im bad with convoluted noise in general. but also like, i don't exhibit this all the time. sometimes i won't even notice drums all that much. sometimes i realize lights are way too bright like five minutes after being around them. i get hyperfixations, but im pretty sure that could just be the adhd thing. im bad at talking to people but again, i could just be bad. i scored 150 on the RAADS-R test, but that's not a diagnosis. idk. hah.

i'm outright just a negative person to be around, i can't think of a single person that is better off because i'm in their life. they either have to deal with all of my problems or i just end up not talking to them as much as a good friend should.

also i feel like my "skills" are really bad to the point that i can barely call them skills. in band, on my first instrument (euphonium) i'm first chair in the symphonic/advanced/audition band (somehow) but there's this one interval in a solo that i cannot nail down. and its annoying. in marching band its even worse, im on sousaphone which some would say is the most important instrument, but the director tells us to play louder all the freaking time (there's only 7 sousaphones and the band is like 200 people). my rank tells me im playing well but like. aaa. i could be playing better. last years rank leader was so ridiculously loud and i don't think i can match him.

other "skill" is cooking. some people might have seen the attempt at bread that i made. and the interior is just a mass of gluten. like. come on, i can do better than that. and then i also made like a chili dish to go with the bread, and the recipe called for too many beans. i should've recognized it, but no. there are too many beans. im annoyed. my mom doesn't like to eat beans that much so i feel like i failed her too. which, lovely.

ehhhh yeah i can talk about dysphoria here too. why not. idk one thing that made me spiral a bit was one of the people im not out to in marching band said "deadname you should get a buzz cut again it looked good" (i had a buzz cut for much of my childhood because long hair felt too hot) and fucking- i look better with a buzz cut than with long hair?! fucking murder me! oh my god! should i even transition as an adult at this point, i'd probably look even worse than i do now! am i just goddamn destined to be unhappy with my appearance?! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

ok tw for sh for this next part

so all this manifested in a cutting habit (yippee) which is. mildly terrifying. but also i feel like this problem is also inferior because they aren't all that deep. like i see things about sh support that are like "here's how you know you hit an artery" and im like well. that's not been a problem insofar. maybe im being dramatic about this.

i don't even know why i do it. i don't feel particularly better when i do it. i guess i could be like adrenaline doping but that's not that big of a thing. it doesn't make me like special or worse than other people, cutting isn't that uncommon from what i've seen. 52% of trans girls reported self-injury over the past year (per the trevor project)

the annoying this is even when i see a way out i don't take it. when i first started i was using a partially rusted razor which i completely recognized as dangerous but like. i have my shots (thanks mom.) so that happened for a while until the rust got to the point where the blade was dull. yeah, that's the reason i stopped using a rusty knife: not because of the rust and the tetanus risk, but because the blade was getting dull. that's fucking pathetic.

so instead of stopping like a normal fucking person i (still cannot believe i did this) went on amazon and bought a $10 pocketknife. and now that's just on my person. i could've stopped, i had an out, but i spent money on a different knife. s t u p i d.

tw suicide ideation

oh, something else horrifying? the thoughts i had regarding sh like... two months prior to starting are. shockingly similar to the thoughts i have regarding suicide. (i don't think i'm going to commit suicide, that's a bit more commitment that a few scars on my forearm and thighs). but i mean like, i like to sleep. maybe this wouldn't be too different. people wouldn't have to worry about me anymore.

and don't tell me i "matter," i'm perfectly aware of the 143.8lbs of matter i take up in this universe i take up and how much of a waste it is. possible eating disorder tw for the next part.

okay like. im weird with food. what the hell counts as an eating disorder. im not underweight, (i know this is not an end-all be-all by any stretch of a hyperflexible imagination, but my bmi's 19.0. that's technically in the healthy range). i'm skinnier than i was 18 months ago. but like. i'm not wasting away. i just have a calorie-counting habit that is. annoying. along with a general fear of gaining weight. sometimes i'll eat what i feel is too much and i have an urge to make myself vomit (i've never done that before, but i have a general idea) but the thing that stops me is the vivid image of my esophagus dissolving. which i guess is good.

why? i don't know. that's a theme here, isn't it. i don't know why im the stupid ridiculous way that i am, which probably means im bullshitting everything. but i don't know. it's like all my issues are on the borderline of "okay you need actual help" and "eh, you'll probably be fine. just push through it." which again probably suggests that im actually fine and being ridiculous about everything. i'm not the only person in this world who has dysphoria. im not the only person whos unsure about coming out to their family. im not the only person who engages in self-injury. im not the only person who has suicidative thoughts from time to time. i have what most people would call a good life. im physically able-bodied, lean, fit into the school system, have a parent, i live near a school, and im not under threat of dying by someone else's hand. these are all advantages that tons of people probably wish they had. why do i complain so much. im so ready for this post to get a response of "this is nothing, just deal with it. good god." and that's fair.

idk, i guess im tired. im tired of avoiding the mirror constantly, tired of keeping a running track of the amount of energy ive consumed in the past 24 hours, tired of doing the same thing each day with no real end in sight, tired of feeling like i need to push myself harder, tired of seeing an arm covered in scars when i reach over myself to turn off the light each night when i go to sleep, tired of going to sleep and sometimes wishing i wouldn't wake up.

do i even deserve anything. do i deserve friends. do i deserve to be happy. do i deserve to get the things i want. do i deserve a good life. do i deserve to transition if i want to. do i deserve help. do i deserve to take up societies resources, whether that be food, water, medical care, or therapy.

do i deserve to live?

if you read this far, uh. im sorry. this probably took a long time that could be better dedicated to something more important than a random teenager on the internet. but here we are.

if you want to say something 1. probably don't. my brain has found a way to basically not let me accept help but if you want to try, that's your prerogative. 2. if you want to say something but don't know what to say, that's fine. i know the feeling and what the hell do you say to whatever this post is anyway.