#I'll be honest it *is* difficult to feel sympathy for them

[thestenchofcheeseandregrets]

they've always wanted us separate and fighting each other. because they know what'll happen when we do come together. let this be the moment in history when we finally showed them we're not going to fight each other on their behalf anymore. let this be the moment in time that creates the future we've always hoped for future generations: a future where we put aside our differences and come together for a common good. let this be the start of true change in our society. when we all finally said enough. when real change in our institutions begin so that there is a future generation born into a better world. it won't be easy but it is possible and maybe for the first time ever, attainable.

Trump voters on tiktok are EXTREMELY mad about the following:

They just found out what tariffs are

They just found out what denaturalization is

They (particularly black and Hispanic trump voters) just found out that other trump voters are racist

Leftists and liberals don't want to be their friends (they are furious about this)

Leftists keep telling them they hope they get what they voted for (they are really mad about this too)

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

-the old king is dead, long live the king- (edited version)

I was thirteen years old when I ascended the throne. My memory of the most important day of my life--exceeded by only my birth--was nothing but a frenzied whirlwind of fanfare. It's difficult to describe the experience if you've never been in that position, but I'll do my best. I felt helpless, out of control, like a rider on a runaway horse; I could do nothing except cling on for dear life and pray for it to be over soon. One false move could end with me bleeding and lifeless on the palace steps. 

I had started the morning by vomiting discreetly behind the royal carriage, and my mouth still tasted sour. Eunuch Zhao, one of my long-time attendants who was not much older than I but already impossibly calm and worldly, had held onto my robes so they wouldn't get dirty. Afterwards, he rubbed my back and whispered raunchy jokes into my ear because he could see I was on the verge of tears.

The tears were not for the dead king, though I let them believe it was. Custom dictated I had to wear the mask of the filial son in the same way I wore the cumbersome long guan and the heavy, brocaded robes. My life had always been full of these flourishes that served no practical purpose, and I was used to it. I only dared to be honest in the privacy of my mind. I'm glad he's dead. I thought viciously whenever the roiling feelings in my heart threatened to break their banks. I don't care. I don't care. He had it coming. Does this make me heartless? Maybe so, but I'd rather be heartless than dishonest. The truth of the matter was that I had no sympathy for the lofty stranger they called my Father, always doling out judgement and criticism from on high--who had callously abandoned my mother and I in the middle of enemy territory all those years ago and only deigned to fetch me when it was convenient to him.

The arbitrary nature of filial piety had always rubbed me the wrong way. Why should I worship a man just because he sired me? Even dogs and pigs can do that much. If someone wanted my respect, they should have to earn it first. If the ancient kings of Zhou could lose their heavenly mandate through incompetence, then so could a father lose the love of his son. I would have been more saddened by the death of a single, hard-working farmer. A farmer would have at least contributed a single grain of wheat for my bowl, and that would still be miles more than Father ever did for me.

My tears were not for the dead king. I was mourning myself. Mourning the boy who had once been Ying Zheng, that dreamy little idiot who had been content to spend his days lost in his studies, chin on the windowsill, convinced that he was safe and unimportant. I knew I would inherit one day, but I had naively assumed it would be years down the line. After I had a chance to travel the world, marry, and finish my education. Never in a million years could I have guessed it would be like this, with the former king dead under murky circumstances, an overbearing regent who had skyrocketed in power, and myself thrust suddenly into the open without a single ally in my corner. 

With the pounding of the procession drums still echoing in my chest, I bowed in the four cardinal directions and lit the ceremonial ding, moving carefully to avoid knocking askew the guan, which was an unfamiliar weight on my head. The next thing I remember was climbing the stairs to the throne. An attendant supported me under each arm. Zhao Gao had been left behind at the foot of the steps, along with my carriage and the rest of my servants. These eunuchs were the Prime Minister's creatures; they looked docile now, but I knew they were as trustworthy as vipers. I can still remember the stern lecture Prime Minister Lu gave me at yesterday's rehearsal. The King is supposed to move ponderously as if weighed down by the affairs of the state. He must not rush. He must not trip. He must not stutter, or cry, or misbehave in any way. 

'Why not dress a lapdog in my regalia and call it a day?' I thought bitterly and felt more bitter still because I did not dare to voice these thoughts. Lu Buwei was the one who made my father heir back when he was nothing but a useless middle-ranked prince. Father was so grateful he promised to make Lu Buwei the prime minister when he became king. After that, a series of incredible coincidences happened. My Grandfather died just three days into his rule. My father died within three years. Now, it was my turn to sit on that unlucky throne.

I might be inexperienced, but I am not stupid. Grandfather was not old, and Father was not sickly. Life and death might be the domain of Heaven, but there was plenty that mortals could do to speed up the process. Nothing could be proven, of course, but one common thread runs through these events, and his name is Prime Minister-Regent. He benefited every step of the way, and now he will benefit more. Even a child can tell you that a thirteen-year-old king is easier to control than a thirty-year-old one. 

I sat trembling on the throne as hundreds of my father's ministers--now my ministers, if only in name--bowed and scraped, reciting in unison, "All hail the King of Qin! May His Majesty live ten thousand years!"

Construction for my mausoleum began on the same day.

notes:

someone left a ton of nice comments on my gao jianli fic so now im on a writing roll!

ying zheng's critique of the one-sided power dynamic of filial piety is a representation of his non-comformist mindset and willingness to break from tradition. his administration also did away with heritable titles and awarded positions based on proven competency.

he's still a semi-idealistic person at this stage. i want him to start high so we can watch him fall and see his values become corrupted.

im going to try to work the extracts i wrote about ying zheng's childhood + his dad's backstory into the Ode To Grief -verse. current plan is to just publish them in the order they were written, with some edits.

[weepyiskwew]

National Day for Truth and Reconciliation has always been something that doesn't sit right with me, but this year I find myself being especially bothered.

From the jump, Canada has decided to hold itself accountable for what it's done to us by giving itself the day off. Meanwhile Indigenous folks are forced to:

Perform our indigeneity and trauma for a largely non-Indigenous audience.

Be constantly reminded of our traumas - and non-Indigenous people's ignorance or performative sympathy - every time we open up our e-mails, social media, and more.

Provide support to our friends, family, and community to make up for the programs and services that are shut down.

Still do homework, go to school/work, pay rent and more on October 1st.

IRL I'm a counsellor, one of two specifically hired to serve a particular Indigenous population at a large institution that I don't feel safe enough to name. While this used to be a day of healing and community, this year I have noticed a significant shift in the way that my clients are experiencing this event. In the weeks leading up to this day, and likely the week after, many of my clients have come to me mid-breakdown and talked about how this day has become more painful, more burdensome, and more effort for them as it has continued.

I'll just be honest. I would have had the day off today. I probably should have kept that boundary but when another Indigenous person, not a counsellor, in my workplace asked me to provide counselling supports during an event on this day I felt like I couldn't say no. It was like pulling teeth to get my leaders to ask a second counsellor to work the event with me. I'm getting lieu time, but I think the second counsellor is not.

The event I'm providing counselling at today is for the general public, or in other words, for non-Indigenous people. My clients won't be there because they don't want to perform. My clients will be struggling and healing with their own families, communities and ceremonies on this day. I won't be with my own family because of this event, and I won't be working for my clients - who are also my community- because our services are closed.

So yes, it's my responsibility as an Indigenous person to learn how to say no to these things. Last year I had an Indigenous supervisor who fielded this request and helped me to maintain my boundaries. She retired and has been replaced by a non-indigenous person who doesn't have the contextual knowledge to understand the conflictual relationship Indigenous people have with the asks that come related to this day.

But, beyond my individual responsibility to protect myself and my clients - why is my institution holding this event in the first place? Why not host an event that actually benefits Indigenous clients and staff - or pay the extra stat pay to keep services open so Indigenous clients still have access to the things that help them through such a difficult day?

I'm tired and angry already and it isn't even 11:00am.

P.S.

For those who aren't aware there is a difference between the national holiday and "Orange Shirt Day" despite the Canadian government's effort to bulldoze over the one created by an Indigenous woman in favour of their white-washed day off.

[iwonderwh0]

This is a headcanons about an adult Emma, ​​somewhere around 20-24 years old, her attitude towards androids, and other things (also a little Caroline). I think that in the end, when Emma grows up, she will stop being so afraid of and hating them, but this does not mean that she will weaken her defenses in front of the android, Emma will be able to stay close to the androids and work on her trauma, but this was a necessary measure, because androids filled the world more, and they could be met at every step, and Emma was tired of living in eternal fear of them. Also, I imagine that if Emma works on her trauma, then Caroline will not be able to do this, she will also continue to hate androids, so they live together away from technology, but when Emma grows up, she prefers to live separately (I see Emma as an independent a person who wants to build her life on her own, and alone), but closer to her mother, because over time, Caroline has developed many chronic problems, so Emma does not decide to move to another place, but Caroline has a caregiver (not an android), so Emma It’s not so scary to leave your mother alone, after the tragedy, they became closer to each other than before, they began to value family ties more

Adult Emma talks normally with androids, but nothing more, she has some hostility towards them, but unlike her mother, Emma hides such feelings better, she still tenses up internally in front of them, and if she knows that at some meeting there will be androids, she takes a weapon with her just in case, she no longer wants to be defenseless like that day. Simply put, Emma can communicate normally with androids, but she will never have friends among them, so she mostly prefers to ignore them, and not talk to them unless necessary, for her, androids are not the same as people, they will never for her, if Emma sees on the news that some android was hurt/or killed, she won't feel sympathy she would feel if a person was hurt instead of the android. And yes, this will be short, but I will say what will happen if Emma sees PL600, well … she has learned how to quickly find reasons to leave (escape), and also mysteriously she will not interact with this android anymore, yes she almost got over her fear/hate of androids, but not for PL600, despite how many years have passed, Emma still thinks about he …

Emma's friendly and romantic relationships … turned out so, everyone Emma met loved and adored androids to one degree or another, if Emma found out about this, then no matter how good she had with this person, she stopped communicating with them, because she knew that sooner or later they would encounter her opinion about androids, so she tries to look for friends/partners with a similar worldview, she found herself a couple of friends who are also skeptical about androids, but she still can’t find one for herself romantic partner, so at the moment, Emma is not looking for partners, and is single. In the present day, Emma still struggles with her androphobic thoughts about androids, and goes to a therapist/psychotherapist, but Emma finds it difficult to live in a world where almost everyone believes that androids are white and furry creatures, but Emma and other victims of androids know what they are. It's not the same, although it's not better now, but Emma no longer has the harsh aggression towards androids that she had as a teenager (or she's just gotten better at controlling it)

That's all, I'll write more headcanons later, and yes, I would like to, let’s say, communicate face to face, but unfortunately my messages never reach people if I write from my account

To be honest I never thought of Emma that far in the future, but it was interesting to hear. I think public opinion heavily depends on how was revolution won, and depending on that there could potentially be a lot more people who hate and are scared of androids. But even in peaceful scenario I don't think that in 10 or so years so large a portion of people would be so sympathetic towards them.

You probably saw my headcanon about Caroline and Emma escaping to Canada, and I think it'd be something done even before November. It is unclear whether Canada would officially allow entrance to androids in coming years tho. Probably to some extent?

[fvitsk]

Why, when watching 'The Good, the Bad and the Ugly' do we feel that the money should go to Blondie?

I would like to note that this is an incredible post that prompts reflection (I will attach the link below). Every time I watched the movie "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" I felt sorry for Angel Eyes, but I couldn't understand why. And this post finally gave me the answer to that question and inspired me to think further.

I started pondering: "Okay, Angel Eyes was supposed to get the money. So why does the viewer, while watching the film, think that the money should go to Blondie?" I myself thought so during my first viewing. That's when I began to think and analyze the film.

In reality, the answer is very simple; I won't reveal anything new; these are just my thoughts. Here's what I'll say: the screenwriters brilliantly toy with the viewer's emotions, and they did an excellent job with their work. When working on the script, it's necessary to make the viewer empathize with the main character, establish a connection with them, and make the viewer care about them.

But what if the main character is also a bandit? Quite a scoundrel, in fact. How can you make the viewer sympathize and empathize with them? It's straightforward — make another character much worse! Make the main character appear better in comparison, so that all their actions seem like flowers compared to the "bad" character's actions.

That's exactly what they did with Angel Eyes. It was a brilliant decision to focus on Angel Eyes right from the start; he gets a whole 20 minutes dedicated to him. At first, we think that Angel Eyes is the main character (after all, we see him first, and for quite a while). But then something happens that immediately repels the viewer — Angel Eyes kills a family on a ranch, and his crowning moment is shooting a child! Then he even kills his employer, mocking him. Angel Eyes instantly becomes a villain in our eyes. Because he appears first on the screen, this idea sticks in our heads. Angel Eyes is presented in a terrible light right from the beginning, making the subsequent characters seem much better by comparison.

There's a screenwriting technique called "Save the Cat." It should be used in the first appearance of the character the viewer should consider the main hero and empathize with. It can be anything — a gesture, a word, etc., that fosters sympathy for the character. That's why it's called "Save the Cat." When we first meet Blondie, what happens? That's right — Blondie saves Tuco from other bounty hunters.

Throughout the film, the screenwriters skillfully continue to employ these techniques. We see Blondie observing Tuco's difficult and touching conversation with his brother. He realizes that Tuco is upset about it, so he responds positively to Tuco's lie (supposedly, he and his brother had a nice conversation), supports it with a friendly gesture, handing him his cigar. A small act of support, and Tuco's mood improves.

Next, we see Blondie putting a kitten into his hat and petting it. Bang! Right in our hearts. After all, only good guys pet cats, right?

Then we see him giving hope to a dying military officer and winking, essentially saying that his dream will come true soon. The damn bridge is going to blow up.

And then we see Blondie sympathizing with a fatally wounded soldier, covering him with his coat and giving him a final light for his cigarette. It's a touching scene because we mourn the young soldier's death along with Blondie.

One might think that many of these details could be removed from the film, but these are all clever screenwriting techniques that evoke sympathy and attachment to Blondie in the viewer. We believe that, despite being a bandit, he is more honest and positive compared to Angel Eyes or Tuco.

At the same time, we see Angel Eyes only in a negative light, portrayed as a cunning and vile villain. But what guarantees that Angel Eyes doesn't have the same sense of justice and empathy for others? We hardly know him, as the film only shows his bad side. On the other hand, what guarantees that Blondie doesn't commit equally despicable acts? Remember that Blondie kills more people throughout the film than Tuco and Angel Eyes combined. Blondie pulls the trigger without hesitation. The viewer can easily forget that all three of them are just ordinary Wild West bandits who don't differ much from each other.

Thanks to the complex screenplay and the way Blondie is portrayed, the viewer can easily justify his actions. For example, the killing of other bounty hunters or his cunning money-making schemes with other outlaws. When Blondie unquestionably kills other people, we think it's necessary because he's merely defending himself.

In "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" the screenplay is cleverly crafted to manipulate the viewer's emotions and feelings (as it should be). It functions perfectly, like a Swiss watch mechanism. I have watched "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" many times. All the while, I had a nagging feeling that something was off, but I still felt sorry for Angel Eyes, even though he's portrayed as a "bad guy." Now I understand.

Please share your thoughts on this; I would be happy to discuss it.

[distort-opia]

Hi! I know this is going to sound weird. Would you like to create something like a cheat sheet against attacks batjokes antis (co-authored or maybe it's more convenient for you to work alone)? I often see batjokes newcomers being bullied massively on any platform, especially if they are just getting acquainted with comics and can't navigate them like lightning. For example, they do not know that if you give an example of alternative universes, these batjokes relations are devalued and are not considered canon. They don't know what to say when an opponent says that Bruce has no feelings for the Joker (for example, the same understanding, some sympathy), except hatred and a desire to kill. I don't like conflicts, and often I can just block a person if he himself comes to me and tries to impose on me that my picture is wrong. But I see other people's desire to discuss, to defend what they like. Especially newcomers, because no one has sown a grain of doubt in them yet (and, to be honest, one of the reasons why I am writing to you is just the unwillingness for this spark of obsession with batjokes to go out in them). So I thought maybe this ship needs one collection of counterarguments? For example, the argument "batjokes is not a canon, because it has never been in the main wounds", the counterargument "a list of the main runs and a brief explanation of what is happening", Or, for example, the argument "saving the Joker is exclusively a code", the counterargument "examples with Bruce's desire to fix the Joker or just understanding him, the similarity of their destinies, sympathy." In general, the list here is large. I have been thinking about such a cheat sheet for a long time, but I am not a native speaker and often have problems with objectivity. For example, I often see arguments along the lines of "The Joker doesn't like Batman, flirting is to unsettle him." Will it be a counterargument that the Joker talks about loving Batman, even when no one is around, when there is no one to mislead (Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #106)? Or, for example, would it be an argument in defense of the fact that it's not about the code and Bruce needs the Joker vitally, a mention of the transmitter that was in the Joker's pocket and which only had to be searched for before resurrecting him (Legends of the Dark Knight #144-145). The Joker wasn't dying by Batman's hand. The code is not broken. At the same time, Bruce says that the only reason is that he had no choice, he had to find Ra's al Ghul, but in fact the choice was: to act like a detective and find clues, the same transmitter. In general, it is difficult. I love your analysis of comics. It seems to me that there is no more objective view of what is happening in the fandom, and if the cheat sheet came out from under whose hand, it would be from under yours. But I don't want to impose myself, after all, such a collection requires a lot of time and effort. So don't worry if you're not interested.

Hi! No worries, I don't mind the message. It's nice of you to want something like this for new fans so as to help them not lose their interest in the ship. Unfortunately, I really don't think I have the time to create an Excel sheet of the scale you're suggesting. I do intend to create a masterpost of the more common Batjokes questions I get and my meta, which are all based on comics. Perhaps that post could serve as help for those interested in backing up their canon arguments of Batjokes. I'll try to tag you when I get around to it.

However... [deep sigh] alright, I can't help elaborating a bit. I understand the feeling of indignation and the need to defend the ship when attacked, especially if you are new to it. And I imagine you're talking about platforms like Twitter and TikTok especially, where the kind of anti-Batjokes stance you're describing is a lot more rampant. But personally, I find the idea of fighting and arguing with these people utterly exhausting. No one needs to prove the basis of their ship with receipts, argue for its existence in comics in excruciating detail. Hell, shipping doesn't need canon support. Fandom is transformative, and this recent approach to shipping where people fight and argue over what's more "canon" is hard to understand, to me. Not to mention how nonsensical this morality-based approach to characters and shipping is.

Being in fandom is not supposed to be a fight. You're not supposed to come from what's likely a stressful real life and then stress some more arguing on the internet with strangers over a fictional ship and fictional characters. The vast majority of the time, these antis are quite young too-- teenagers deadset on hating on any kind of "toxic" or "problematic" ship. Presenting them with logical arguments based on canon isn't going to do much. I've seen it happen more than once; Batjokes fans bringing in real support to their arguments which then got willfully misunderstood or mocked, in the absence of a counterargument. Antis are not looking to be convinced, they're not looking to understand the ship they're attacking. They're looking to raise themselves in the eyes of other antis by virtue-signalling, and to get satisfaction from asserting their perceived moral superiority over others. These are wholly emotional goals, and the chance of bringing rational arguments to someone who's driven by this kind of motivation and changing their mind is small (and not worth the time and stress of putting yourself through it).

My opinion is that the best way to deal with these people is to block them and not engage. What they want is attention, and witnessing the distress of the fans they are attacking. Not giving them the platform and the attention they want is for the best. I'm not saying not to engage in any sort of debate or discussion about comics as long as it's polite and not ill-intentioned, I've done it myself and I quite like having talks of the sort. But it's right there in the name; antis literally define themselves by a thing they hate. Reason is clearly not what they're looking for.

Thank you so much for the kinds words, though! I'm glad you enjoy my analyses and my blog <3

[harpieisthecarpie]

talking to people about working at a library is so fun because I love informing others about their local resources (check and see if you can get an e-card on your local library system's website they often have a lot of awesome e-resources and you usually don't even have to go in-person to access them)

it is so fun until I get to the part about all the resources our libraries provide for people who are unhoused. Which I always end up doing because I work myself up into an excited ramble because I LOVE libraries.

[rant about people being prejudiced dicks about houselessness incoming, don't read more if it'll be a trigger or too upsetting]

And then 85% of the time this otherwise pleasant-seeming person opens their mouth and says some awful, ignorant, prejudiced bs about what it must be like "dealing" with "those people". Because all they know of houselessness is news report statistics and political victim-blaming and television dramas and glimpses of people they drive by on their way to work.

I barely know shit, I need to do much more reading and listening and learning, but just working in a place where people are allowed to settle and exist without their presence being considered 'loitering' helps me be a more empathetic person (I think). It also teaches me that I come from a very privileged position of never having worried about shelter or safety.

Because there's the studies and research and yada yada about people who live with houselessness and its effects but there's also just. Being around people who come from different backgrounds. Talking people through filling out frustrating online job applications. Asking people about their day and being able to help them with something seemingly small.

It's just people, man. At this point I don't know why I'm rambling but oh my god it's just people. We are all just people. Struggling with different burdens and understanding different truths. And

The city and the county and the state I live in are so blazingly hot. Terribly hot. A "people ending up in burn wards because they tripped and fell on asphalt" kind of hot. So with our resources the library system is able to do the bare minimum in the summer. Provide a safe, cool place during the day. Provide cold bottled water. Keeping some locations open as heat relief after hours.

I'll walk outside during the summer and run back 5 minutes later because the sun on my skin was so intense it hurt. My high school was multiple buildings on one site and kids would get heat stroke walking from algebra to history. Kids who had been living in this neighborhood for years.

People who don't have shelter from the sun show it on their skin, in their gait, in their voice. Whether because they work outside or don't feel safe staying at home or don't have anywhere to stay full stop.

So when people I'm rambling to express 'sympathy' for what it 'must be like' working where I work, it gets difficult not to shout at them.

I just want to point at the fucking door and say "Go stand outside for 30 minutes without sunscreen or shade and see if you can say that shit to my face when you come back in 10."

Usually I say a nice version of that instead, but the honest one is always the most tempting.

It isn't a hardship working at a place providing the bare minimum of support. It isn't a burden to be kind, or even just polite, to each patron. No one at my library is a hardship or a burden, except for the assholes (which are usually housed ppl btw) who try to be dicks.

[sweetmelopiano]

vent post

don't hunt down anyone, please

i know you won't be able to see this, so with that knowledge, i feel more comfortable with expressing my thoughts in this space. i'm finally lowering this to the ground and leaving this to rest.

your entire argument as to why we're the supposed villains in your story arc is bogus, i'll get that out of the way. my intent was never to guilt-trip you– my intent was to get my point across that your reckless behavior affected me and others negatively, but i suppose that my willingness to criticize you and your problematic actions is just a manipulation tactic, isn't it? do you truly believe i would intentionally use my pain as a weapon against you, after the years i've spent being as genuine and honest as i could be with you?

you claim that me wanting your "full attention" after i left a group chat due to a compromising situation is "double standards", but i believe you just wanted something to say that sounds right to your narrative. you just want an excuse to finally drop me and the rest of us in our little community, so you pulled something straight out of your pie hole and called it a day. out of everything you could have used, you weaponized my vulnerability and twisted it into me being some sort of hypocrite. the thing is, "buddy", context matters. i wanted communication with you because you were one of the people i wanted to hear from after what had transpired in that group chat. as i told you before, i thought you dropped me after that. because of your blatant selfishness, i assumed you would hate me for– you know– stepping away from a place that was already inducing an ungodly amount of stress. you left because i left for my reasons (in which you instigated), not because you were "panicking". not only was you claiming i had double standards ridiculous– it was a low blow for your character, and it tells me enough of how you perceive me.

lastly, your point of talking about others without them knowing would have been valid had you not willingly partook in such discussions. the people we openly spoke about were people we had problems with. plus, i WOULD be more open if i had better experiences with BEING open. not a lot of people can handle jabs at their character, believe it or not, and that includes you especially. i turn to others because i feel more comfortable with them than the person i have concerns with. people like you are why confrontations are difficult, and what you said to me before i cut you off completely further cements that. by the way, i have spoken my criticisms to the people you listed. you lied to one of them, and you blocked another one of them without even speaking to them directly as far as i know. get off your high horse and grow up.

to finish this off, i'm glad you're gone now. i will not let you back into my life, whether you actually acknowledge how much you've hurt us– especially me– or not. i'm not apologizing for anything; you don't deserve a "sorry" from me after all of this. after all, why accuse me of making you "walk on eggshells" when it was you that did the same to me? it is you that has double standards, yet you refuse to take accountability and instead blame me and my friends for you "not being yourself" when we just wanted you to be more considerate of us. it was you who would constantly put me on a pedestal, focus almost always on me in a conversation, try to silence me on multiple occasions in the past, and a plethora of other things.

you never saw us as your "brothers and sisters". you only saw us as an audience that you could garner sympathy from, and once we saw through your act, you lashed out and left. if you had the audacity to accuse us of being backstabbers with such ease, you were never our friend to begin with.

don't ever consider coming back. i will never forgive you.

[citromello]

In response to the following posts:

--

Hope this doesn't derail (if it does please tell me I'll delete it) but on top of that this person is also being very stupid about society and feminism. "men are not permitted to talk about their problems" and "men expect emotional labour from women instead of going to therapy" are in fact the exact same problem??? The problem is that society/the patriarchy tells men that they need to ahow strength etc and not talk about their feelings especially with other men or strangers. But since men are yknow, humans, this isn't really sustainable or possible so this burden gets privately put onto the few women they are close with, since women are expected to be helpful and nurturing. The solution to both of these things is to be open and honest about your feelings with all the people around you, and also foster an environment where men are not punished for doing this and taking it seriously. Like even if you only care about women, allowing men to be more public with problems does in fact solve the first problem this person mentioned, its almost like sexism is a complex network of human interactions or something. (to tie this back to trans people this person is calling trans people out on having uuuuuuh correct and helpful opinions about feminism? Oh no how dare you) -- not derailing at all, that’s literally the crux of the issue. ppl will acknowledge that the patriarchy expects men to be hyperindividualistic, stoic, emotionless machines, and acknowledge that that’s bad and toxic, but when men actually express how that toxicity makes them feel, people will turn right around and reinforce the idea that men must deal with their problems only on a private, individual basis, which is literally what the patriarchy tells men they need to do. trans men and mascs aren’t the only ppl talking abt this, bell hooks has written extremely eloquently about this as well.

--

I have mixed feelings about this. I agree with you on many of your points: that men are unskilled at talking about feelings can be blamed on a culture that makes it so men didn't get as many opportunities to practice this skill, that being angry at men about it doesn't help the broader issue, and that how "this burden gets privately put onto the few women they are close with" is a difficult situation.

But, I think helping someone with a deeply personal issue that they are unskilled at handling is an act of love, and not an easy one. It's hard and awkward and often painful and aspirational. As a result, it makes sense to lean on people who are both more skilled than you at processing feelings and who care about you. It also makes sense to lean on someone who does this as a profession (therapists).

Leaning on random acquaintances, often other women, to help you process deep personal emotions, does not feel like it's the solution. It feels like a wrong-place-wrong-time mistake. I am happy and honored to sit with men close to me as they work through their struggles. I am less happy to do it with people I know only in passing.

This is one of the first date patterns I used to get. I meet up with a guy for the first time, we haven't talked much before. After like 10 minutes of small talk, he swings the conversation onto his unrelenting sense of alienation and loneliness, or some other difficulty. I think it's actually the correct move to resist turning the conversation into a sympathy and support session. Sometimes conversations are supposed to be something else.

Even if swinging to oversharing after a lifetime of undersharing is a very understandable mistake, I think that there is room to acknowledge that neither of these are good long term patterns. Finding the middle ground is not a problem exclusive to men, even if as a whole they might be worse at it. Everyone struggles with it sometimes. There is plenty of space between "no one else cares about your feelings" and "your feelings are everyone's problem". It's important to see that instead of "that's too much" and "that's too little" being conflicting advice, its advice that is working together to point to a middle ground.

[arbor-tristis]

Sorry but it IS poor media literacy. In shadows are falling, Murdoch is in extreme grief. His thoughts are not rational and he blames Julia which he would never have done. Just because he is the lead doesn't mean he is always right. That's actually a consistent theme in the show, from the start.

The whole point of his character is that he is a contradiction, a catholic but also a modern man of science. His catholic beliefs have made a lot of things difficult to swallow but because murdoch is at his core a man that values honesty, logic and justice, those beliefs often make him lean towards the more progressive side. This is true with Julia, with all the gay people he has ever come across in this show, and everything else.

When Julia reveals to him that she has had an abortion, he finds it difficult to forgive. He believes that it is wrong. But the show does a great job, because as the audience we KNOW it's Julia who's right. She explains it very well- she would never be where she was if she didn't have the abortion. It's a challenge to Murdoch's character to unlearn his Catholics beliefs and understand that abortion is often the only good choice women have. He learns this slowly, but regresses in his moment of grief during the miscarriage. This DOES NOT mean that at any point in this whole thing we are supposed to agree with him. We are supposed to feel bad for him, to have some sympathy. That's it.

Also with homosexuality- in like the very first (or second?) season, it comes up in a case. The resolution of the case is such that actually the gay people were not the murderers and that if people had just let people be, nobody would have died. He even lets a gay priest get away with being gay. He could have charged him. But even that early, Murdoch could feel that that would be wrong. He is not a bad person. He is just learning. Julia is once again a part of it, by opening his eyes to more progressive views.

Also I've said it once and got flamed but I'll say it again- the conversion therapy arc was actually very well done. Watts wanting conversion therapy actually makes a lot of sense given the trauma of internal and external homophobia. To all of you it might seem unimaginable but TRUST that even today, gay people try it, because they don't want to live with the trauma of being gay in this world. It's not always parents dragging people kicking and screaming - it's grown gay adults who just want to be "normal". Who are tired of hiding, of lying, of having limited options. It's very sad but it's entirely understandable. Now think of that, but in the literal Victorian/Edwardian times. Contextualise Watts' wishes in what he has just been through. What kind of future he believes he has. Be honest, would you not have considered conversion therapy? This is the EXACT argument Murdoch makes. He feels bad for Watts. He understands Watts' choice because he knows how helpless he feels. He doesn't think all gay people should do it or that gay people are bad, but he recognises that the world is not kind to them and there's very little he or anyone can do as an individual. It's a very sad reality but he's not really homophobic to think that and it's definitely not him being "pro conversion therapy". If you pay attention, even Julia seems to be sympathetic to Watts but because she is a doctor she tries to tell him that it doesn't actually work. But she STILL understands. Thats what a person with any empathy for someones suffering would do. The episode doesn't have a nice little happy ending and Llewellyn just accepts that he has to be gay because conversion therapy doesn't actually work. But why should it have an ending where everyone turns to the camera and says "conversion therapy is bad y'all" for you to take away the right message???? They didn't solve homophobia, they were just people doing the best they could.

I think you should ask yourself why you need it to be so black and white. Why does Murdoch have to be a good guy or "right" just because he is the lead, and just because he is right about some things, mostly detective work. Murdoch is a person. A talented, rare person- but he exists in history. Like it's not hard. This show actually does a great job of humanising Victorian people. They may have lived at a very different time, but so many of them, not just our main characters, act in progressive ways, out of love, out of a sense of justice. Even Brax does. They were people and they cared about other people. Like us. They would do anything to help them and love them the best way they could. They may not have gotten it 100% but that's fine, nobody does.

You are not the only one in this fandom that has expressed these beliefs, so it's not personal - but watching period dramas with so little sense of nuance is what is wrong. Even today people are complex. Please gain some sense of complexity in characters. It might improve your viewing experience.

If this is incredibly poor media literacy, shout at me and take away my media and English a levels but I'm rewatching shadows are falling and I genuinely cannot tell if the message is pro-choice or pro-life.

Cause on one hand you have murdoch. They've played his Catholic morality as being in the wrong before (I.e what lies buried and then in the future when he says watts should be allowed conversion) and as a whole the show doesn't shy away from the fact that victorians had different moral standards. And of course, if a character does something that does not mean that the author agrees with it or that the viewer should agree with it. But at the same time, he's the lead. Like we've been positioned to agree with him the whole episode for obvious reasons.

And then there's Julia who we are also supposed to sympathise with, arguably more. Her and Rebecca are arguing that abortion is alright and they're both 'good guys.'

I'd argue that in season 2, at least in my reading, we are supposed to view julia having an abortion as a fair reason for murdoch to break up with her. Idk this whole episode feels very murky. It's a great episode and I go back to it all the time, but murky none the less.

[tagapagsalaysay]

I am going to start by saying this. I am hurt. I am experiencing pain. I don't say this to make people feel pity or to garner sympathy from other people.

Also, in order not to scare any of you away: I wrote this through a positive lens. I wrote this for my benefit.

The reason I'm starting from this point is because I decided to recenter myself in trying to recover. I realized that I prioritized being logical to the point I was making myself feel worse. I made my emotional side seem more and more irrational, as I kept neglecting it and hoping it goes away. This overcomplicated more issues I had with myself until I realized that it grew bigger than me, and it posed a problem.

But today I realized something very important and I want to be clear about it. There is no point or exit from trying to apply logic and deduction to the most illogical, irrational set of events in my own history. There's never an objective side to a subjective problem no matter how much we try to make it impersonal. I realized that me scrambling to be honest wasn't about trying to be more open and honest to other people, but it is about being more open and honest to my own emotions that I refuse to acknowledge. The truth isn't about what caused all these blunders, the truth that matters at the moment is that I am hurt.

Emotions are subjective, messy, and are too cloudy to moralize. What matters is that it is an experience we go through as normal people. I don't excuse anything I've done with strong emotion, but I can't neglect how I feel when it is just my body trying to give me a message. So I'm going to talk about what I feel and try to explain why things made me feel a certain way. It doesn't mean it's right, and I have certainly harmed with my strong emotions, but the only way I could do this right is be open and honest about them. So I'm listing them all down below.

I do think I have issues with how I present myself, that I'm not open enough as a creator. But at the same time, I have every right to be private about whatever. I struggle with my own integrity, and whether or not I deserve this platform. But we're going to focus on how I feel about it and I'll just say I feel bad about it a lot. I try to not pay heed to it because no one is obligated to. But I also feel more harsh, negative emotions like hate, fear, anger, and the entire circus. I frame my critical stuff as hate to avoid seeming serious. I understand how people feel about it, and over the while I've mellowed out mostly to avoid backlash. In the end, yes, I have had to not express my own negative emotions in my space, but the only person I ended up hurting with this move is myself.

This next bit is just going to be about the game. Full disclosure, I'll be discussing many details so please expect spoilers. It was very difficult to get through due to the most obvious of reasons. I'm not going to discuss my overall discussion of the game, but just parts in relation to my frame. I'm going to reiterate that I'm going to be subjective and will take it very personally, which I know is just very ironic but is important to why I'm not feeling well. I'm not going to justify why I interpret this and that as a personal message to me. It's simply just going to be an explanation for my emotions.

The main one is, I essentially feel like a huge fraud for saying I'm in it, because I'm not in it anymore. This was an expected outcome, but it hurt in different ways. Honestly, this isn't the first time I wasn't in the final version of something and I am not hurt about that. But what made me feel bad and specifically guilty is that I asked for compensation, and ended up never using it for obvious reasons. If we analyzed it with a logical lens for a moment, then you only really get a few hypotheticals. One is out of request of me wanting not to be associated, or that they simply can't stand my guts. Or, the best and most likely answer is that they simply don't care. This set of reasons is what happens when you try to rationalize a messy problem that can never be solved. There's no correct answer and you've boxed yourself in. To sound dramatic, the metaphor here is being thrown away like garbage, and now I don't have evidence or justification to say something happened to me. I felt very invalidated for having no reference point. I felt like I would not be heard out as a person again.

Which is honestly where the next bit comes in, where I have a little stupid Davey moment and interpret everything personally. I believed myself as the enemy. I was the bad guy of the story. I believed that every inconsequential quip about the worst type of gamer was deliberate retaliation to the damage I caused. At times, I would pay it no heed, but it is important to step back and say. I was irresponsible. No matter what the plausible deniability is, there is a bit of truth in everything that hurt. And I get it. I really do. I felt like I was the worst "fan" that possibly ever existed in the world. The evil was then defeated.

And finally, for anyone desperate to know. Where exactly was I supposed to be if nothing bad happened at all? An ending that highlighted the wonder of seeing outside the box. It could have been used for a message showing the importance of varied interpetations, perspectives, and emotions. Super ironic for me, not them. It could have been to enhance just how much unique perspectives mattered. But I understand that I am not welcome. I know that it was the most logical thing to do. These things can't just help but hurt a lot, no matter how much you frame it differently.

We must know this: They don't owe me anything as much as I don't owe them anything. I accept it. But I also have to admit and affirm what I feel if I want to move on the right way. We are not each other's enemies.

College is honestly just really exhausting. I'm not subjecting anyone to a 4 hour talk on how I sold my life to dusty old constitutional contracts. I'll just go ahead and say it's soul sucking, it's something I can't pause or avoid, and I tend to distract myself from it. I can't wait for the day it is over, so I can finally reevaluate my life and go for a career I actually care about, rather than just feeling bad about being a public servant. I felt bad about returning to normal, moving on with my life to revert back to being a boring student because it isn't comforting. I felt like I wasn't truly free prioritizing this. It was not motivating.

My health: For the past few months I also realized just how bad the effect of what I would assume was COVID at the start of the year. My recovery was short and took about only 2 months compared to people who were affected by it for so long. But it had noticable effects on my circulation and especially my heart, which was already exacerbated by my anxiety. It took me two gruelling months to get up and try to become normal again. I was mourning the loss of the past self, who was already physically weak. I felt like me being sick was a betrayal of other people, because family got frustrated at me for being paranoid and anxious about the virus. I got out mostly okay, but a lot of the stress from being sick and retaining a lot of permanent effects still get to me.

Where do I go from all this? Well, to make it up to myself I will try to be more honest about how I feel. I understand this might come as a shock to some people, but repression doesn't benefit me as much, and it certainly won't help other people. I don't believe in many of these explanations I laid out anymore. I don't believe any of you are out to get me, or are an enemy. I don't also mind if it changes your opinion of me. I don't want to force you to be subjected to knowing all this either, so it's your choice to process this or not. No hard feelings at all. I'm also not going to stop making my own work, nor will I try to sabotage my own spaces for having a platform. I don't think any of you would have stuck around if it were such a problem.

I say all these because, in part of feeling invalidated and essentially erased from that reality, I will try to understand my feelings with assertive and affirming communication. I don't have to justify these feelings with cold hard logic. I need to learn to sit with them like a normal person would, and acknowledge that they affect me now. My focus is on my response, no matter if it's good or bad. And then I try to help myself.

If you managed to reach this point, thanks for trying to understand. I should say, don't let my perspective cloud your judgment of the objective truth, but never neglect your emotions like me, lol. In the end, it should be up to you how you feel about me and everything else! Thank you for caring.

[manga-and-stuff]

Interview with the English and Japanese voice actors for Asuka from Neon Genesis Evangelion

TIFFANY GRANT

Some time in early 1998, Matt Greenfield encouraged me to write an essay defending Asuka from her critics. I did, and you can read it on my website. At that point, as I recall, about half Of the Eva TV series had been released on home video (two episodes per VHS about every other month for around $30).

Please keep in mind that I had only recently finished recording the TV series. There was as yet no English release of Death & Rebirth, End of Evangelion, Director's Cut Platinum Edition, and there most definitely were no proposed live-action or "Rebuild" films.

Back in 1998, I had not yet read any Of Sadamoto's manga. Having now read all Of it, I was very excited to be able to participate in this project. One especially impactful moment I experienced reading Sadamoto's books was Yuko Miyamura's own essay in volume 4, which touched me deeply. When we first met, I had her autograph it for me!

For this volume, Carl thought it might be interesting if I shared with you how my thoughts about Asuka have evolved over these many years. First, my perspective on Asuka was changed dramatically by working on EOE and even

more so by the Director's Cut footage. I said, "If these scenes had been in the TV show to begin with, people would've had a lot more sympathy for Asuka."

But the main thing that has happened since 1998 is that Neon Genesis Evangelion has become an international phenomenon. When I started recording this loud, assertive character that often swore in German, I knew I was having a great time with the role and that it was enjoyable for me as an actor. There was no way any of us could've known then what lay in store. Eva became a cult phenomenon.

The enormous popularity of Eva is, I fully understand, the primary reason I get invited to conventions around the world. In this way alone, my association with Asuka has forever altered my life.

But I also feel something deeper than the obvious frequent flyer miles is at work here. For several years, I actually denied that I was anything like Asuka—a period I refer to as my "l Am Not Spock" phase. I wrote "In Defense Of Asuka" during that time.

Once I fully embraced my "inner Asuka," I realized the many ways that I related to this complex, flawed character. In the past twelve years, I feel I have become even closer to Asuka emotionally.

I think Shinji behaves in the way that most of us actually would react, but I believe we all wish we were a little more like Asuka—speak your mind, consequences be damned!

I find that I don't just defend Asuka now. I actually admire her. I don't know how I'll feel in another twelve years, but if you don't like Asuka just a little bit, I have only one thing to say : What are you—Stupid?

YUKO MIYAMURA

To be honest, a long time ago, I used to hate Asuka and Evangelion.

If I were to comment using Asuka's words, I would hate, I hate, I hate EVERYBODY!"

As to why I felt this way, well, I think the best way to describe it is to say that it was close to the feeling of being bullied. If a person has been bullied, would they want to remember it? I don't think they would.

Acting the part of Asuka was lots of fun at first. However, as Asuka started to mentally break down, acting her become quite tough.

The part that I disliked the most was during the scene when Asuka finally understood the meaning of the A.T. field. Just when she was able to mentally become strong and confident again, she was attacked by the mass-produced units and brutalized. That time

In the film is really cool and there are lots of characters that I like in it. For Asuka on the other hand, it's the worst situation ever.

Furthermore, after that scene, she is strangled by Shinji with such apathy, and that's where the series ends. The mass-produced units, the Angels, their destiny; it just ends with all of them being defeated.

I closed the Asuka inside Of me deep within my heart. While she was inside there, I didn't really like to bring her out. Remembering my complex feelings for Asuka and Evangelion was quite hard for me, and I didn't like it.

This all changed when I first met and talked to Asuka's English voice actor, Tiffany.

Tiffany, as another person who acted as Asuka, was the only one who could understand the pain that I felt acting as Asuka. We both understood all the difficult emotions about

Asuka and her complex personality, and we talked about many things. After this, the feelings within me toward Asuka became more caring and understanding.

Even though at first I felt anger and dislike for Asuka, I now hold her close to my heart and I think of her like a daughter. Up until then Asuka had to deal with all the pain, sadness and sorrow by herself. Now it's different—I'm with her.

Today I'm a mother myself, and I'm raising my own daughter. The feelings I have for my child are similar to what I feel for Asuka. Even though it's different from my own real-life situation, Asuka is an important existence to me and I feel that I am able to accept her Into my life.

What destiny lies ahead for Asuka?

Furthermore, what choice will she make?

Whatever happens, I will accept everything about Asuka. I will cheer her on because I feel I am close to her. No matter what, I will defend Asuka.

It has been about ten years since the time when the other Units took Asuka and Shinji and tried to strangle her. Now, a new Evangelion has begun!

In the new movies, the once-complex Asuka is now happier. I'm excited to see how Asuka stands and faces her destiny in the new movies, compared to Asuka's fate from ten years ago of being defeated.

If I were to say a comment in the new movie in Asuka's words, it would be: "You hurt my pride... I'LL GIVE IT BACK TO YOU TEN TIMES WORSE." I like this confident side of Asuka.

Whatever becomes of Asuka in the world of Eva, I will always love Asuka the most!

Source: Neon Genesis Evangelion | Shin Seiki Evangerion | 新世紀エヴァンゲリオン

by Yoshiyuki Sadamoto

[ravusnightblossom]

what health issues make it so you can't write? i really don't understand that. not trying to sound rude just curious.

ooc;  Well... um... I've had this sitting in my inbox a while (likely since that update where it enabled anons,) mostly because I wasn't sure what the best way to answer this would be. I didn’t want to just delete it, because it actually does somewhat hinder my activity, from time to time. It was a very odd question, to be honest... I don’t even know what sparked it???

First things first, I want to point out that asking someone this question is illegal in the US. It is a direct HIPAA violation of requesting someone to release their medical records. If they wish to discuss it, that's up to them, but you really can’t just ask someone this, blatantly. Fortunately, I don't really give a damn if it's just a casual curiousity, but someone else might.

Anyhow, I’ll slap this all behind a ‘read more’ since it does contain some heavy content.

Multiple Sclerosis: First and foremost, this is the most critical one. While mine is recurring/remissive, some days it still flares up. Sometimes my limbs will literally go numb for hours at a time. Sometimes I'll lose vision in one eye. Or my back will begin spasming. On top of that, there are days where it outright will send me into a full-blown seizure. I actually have a service dog to help monitor those bad days. Thankfully, the seizure days are becoming more and more rare. When my MS is in the 'recurring' stage, they occasionally will put me on flash doses of Chemotherapy to push it back into remission, and Chemo is exhausting.

Degenerative Disc Disease & three bulging discs in my back: There are days when I literally cannot sit upright, otherwise, it hurts so badly. I've had injections, rhizotomies, all sorts of procedures, but little success in alleviating this at all.

Fibromyalgia: This is one I've had my entire life and I'm rather used to balancing and juggling it, but sometimes it definitely gives me that good ol' "Fibro fog" where my head just feels groggy, foggy, and fuzzy, making concentrations very difficult. Sometimes it will also make it feel like my blood is literally boiling beneath my skin, and if I need to explain why that complicates writing, well... yeah.

Myalgic Encephalomyelitis: This one is probably the second-most bothersome on the whole list. The more lax term for this is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Basically, I am always physically and mentally exhausted, no matter how much sleep I get. No matter how many vitamins I intake, how much coffee I drink, sugar I eat, I still am tired. I could fall asleep while sitting in my chair in a matter of moments. Some days my eyelids feel so heavy that it's infuriatingly difficult to even keep them open.

Sjögren’s syndrome: I’ve had this one for years. It’s part of why I had so many dental issues in my life. It also is the root of plenty of fatigue and musculoskeletal pain.

Anxiety & Depression: I'm pretty sure I don't need to elaborate much on this one and all the mental struggles that come along with it, from Imposter Syndrome to self loathing. Those definitely impair someone's ability to write consistently. 

On top of the above myriad of conditions, there’s the plethora of medications I’m on. Most I’m fairly well adapted to, aside from the morphine, three times a day. It makes me a bit groggy, but it at least makes it so I can function and even walk up stairs. 

Honestly, sometimes I feel like a hypochondriac when it comes to explaining all this crap. Like, no, really, it’s legit. It is what it is, though, and I just deal with it! I don’t want sympathy from anyone, but understanding and patience is always appreciated. ♥  

[teresa-of-ficwill]

In the name of love (Geraskier)

Summary: Jaskier did not remember where but one day he heard a proverb that said something like "if you fall in love with a witcher - you will die." Then he considered it utter stupidity but now... It turned out that it was not just a proverb.

Or the story of why witchers don't fall in love.

The count begins

Jaskier couldn’t say when it started exactly. When Geralt became not just a fellow traveler; not just a source of inspiration; and not just his main income but someone who mattered. Mattered a lot. Julian couldn’t remember, no matter how hard he tried, when exactly he began to be torn between the choice: to write a ballad about the exploits of the witcher or a love song to him. Jaskier was careful, of course. Singing about the love of an abstract girl for a very specific witcher is not so difficult, so he used this light image without a twinge of conscience.

In fact, Julian was not timid in matters of the heart but in the situation, with Geralt, he preferred to kept silent. Jaskier understood perfectly well that the witcher didn’t look like a person who needed a relationship. No, of course, Jaskier didn't need it either. But it was before… before he fell in love with Geralt.

Julian had plenty of sex in his life: he was in demand not only among women but also among men of different ages and wealth but just having sex gets boring with time. It happens sometimes. You fall in love and suddenly you want something more than an affair for one night or a few weeks. You want kisses, hugs, warm words, and confidence that the person you love will be by your side no matter what.

Jaskier wanted all this. At first, these desires were unconscious and sometimes slipped into his mind but they could be ignored. Well… no more. He was in love. He was in love so much that when Geralt once again opened the doors of the house of tolerance, Jaskier felt all the shades of such inappropriate jealousy. He could follow the witcher and take a girl or boy for the night in order to somehow distract himself, but Julian didn’t want to. He didn't want just sex anymore. He wanted love. And who would have thought that this would be the greatest tragedy of his life?

“I love you,” without any prefaces, without an introduction and even without a hint of logic Jaskier said when they once again spend the night in the forest. He had no idea why he was doing this because only recently he vowed to be silent about his feelings forever. But Jaskier, to be honest, has never been a consistent person. He kept his promises and vows but not in front of himself. He was always careful but only if it was not about Geralt. In general, if you think about it, he was a rather controversial person.

The witcher looked up from the fire and raised an eyebrow, apparently expecting a continuation but there wasn’t any. Because the only thing Jaskier was capable of now was to maintain silence and somehow keep the violently beating heart in his chest.

“Repeat,” Geralt said and his voice sounded rougher than it should. Julian twitched his head slightly.

“I love you,” he repeated and silence hung up in the air again. For the first time in his life, he had nothing more to say. And this, perhaps, said a lot.

Previously, it wasn’t difficult for him to talk about his love for a certain lady for hours, just to drag her into bed, but when it came to Geralt Jaskier simply had no words. Not a single sensible thought in his head, except for the one that he had already said, but in it was all the sincerity of his bardic soul which he spent in vain in his youth. It contained all his feelings, all his jealousy, all the despair that was inside him.

He gave himself up completely, without a trace, by just one simple phrase which was customary to underestimate. He allowed the hellfire to get into the forest of his soul and burn it to the ground, not missing a single tree. He opened up in some desperate hopelessness to a man whose silence was hurting more and more with every passing second. Like a red-hot knife between his ribs but Jaskier liked the pain too much to pull it out.

“Do not waste words.”

“I have no more words.”

There was a strange tingling sensation in his wrist but Jaskier was too busy with a fire in his forest to notice. Geralt looked at him without taking his eyes off as if he was looking for something. Studying him. As if looking for a catch where it cannot be by definition. As if waiting for a pod from someone who was not capable of it.

“I'll hurt you.”

“I'm already hurting.”

Julian used to like this feeling but now it was too serious to enjoy. Now it was like a punishment, a load, a fragment of an accidentally broken mirror stuck in his heart. Everything was changing so quickly that even Jaskier couldn’t keep track of it. When did sympathy turn into love? When did it happen? When did it start to hurt? He didn’t understand. All his consciousness was enveloped in a haze, as if in delirium. As if he was dying. Does love feel like this?

He remembered deciding that he wanted a relationship, that he wanted to be happy. So, at what point in time did it start to hurt? It hurt without reciprocity and Geralt was like treatment. A medicine that wasn’t available to him.

“It’s already started, huh?” asked the witcher in such a tone as if he were signing a death warrant for Julian.

Jaskier scratched his wrist. He didn't know what Geralt was talking about but whatever it was it had already begun. His brain was in a fog, the feelings hurt, he needed treatment.

Julian missed the moment when the witcher walked around the fire and sat down next to him.

“It’s my fault,” the man said, taking Jaskier’s hands in his. “If I had not loved you, this wouldn’t have happened to you,” Geralt rolled up the sleeve on the bard's left hand. He looked down. Dark blue, swollen veins covered his wrist, lightly touching his palm, and climbed further up the arm. They took up a little, only a third of the forearm but the bard understood that it would be getting only worse. He couldn’t know for sure but he guessed with some tenth sense. It would only get worse from now on.

Julian had a poor understanding of what was happening because his head began to ache. Any thoughts caused pain and consciousness floated away, not allowing him to focus on anything.

“Will I die?”

“I'm sorry.”

Jaskier wanted to say that he was sorry too but thinking was so damn hard. For some reason, death didn’t frighten him. He felt like on drugs, everything around him seemed unimportant. Everything except Geralt.

“When?”

“When the poison reached the heart.”

Julian nodded but he didn't understand much. He should have had a dozen of questions but there was not a single one in his head. He felt bad. He couldn’t think.

“It hurts,” Buttercup whispered, feeling tears streaming down his cheeks. He didn’t cry. Well… he didn’t want to. His consciousness was too cloudy to control his body.

“Let me help,” Geralt asked and the bard nodded, not understanding what he was agreeing to at all but now it didn't matter. Nothing else was important except the witcher sitting near him.

The man leaned forward, their lips met and Julian took a truly deep breath for the first time in an unknown amount of time. His head cleared slightly when he answered, tangling his fingers in Geralt's hair. The witcher growled and pulled him closer, wrapping his strong arms around him. He kissed roughly as if the man was angry with him but Jaskier knew he wasn’t. The pain in the head dulled and the body begged for more. A lot more. The bard wanted Geralt inside; as deep as possible; as close as their bodies would allow.

The witcher ripped off the bard's clothes without worrying about its integrity. It was pretty cool outside but Jaskier didn't feel - Jaskier was in a fever. The pain that seized his whole body went away with each new kiss, with each new mark, with each new breath that they shared.

Geralt prepared him quickly, took roughly but, for the bard, this felt like the best sensations in the world. The pain was replaced by pleasure and there was just as much of it as there was pain before. Julian moaned as loudly as he could, cut off his voice, scratched the witcher's back, and seemed to be going crazy. Everything was on fire inside but it was a good fire. The fire that warmed, not the fire that burned.

Conscious returned almost completely when Jaskier came. Geralt made a couple of deep thrusts and came next, pressing their lips together. The world was no longer shrouded in a haze but consciousness was still floating somewhere, allowing fatigue to take over. The bard remembered how the witcher hugged him and covered them both with a blanket so that they do not freeze at night, and then there was a blissful emptiness.

To be continued

💜💜💜

You also can leave your kudos here: Fic

You can see more of my works here 😉: Twitter and ao3

[pod95]

Pairing: Finn Balor X OFC (Ciara)

Word Count: 1981

Warnings: Mature to explicit as the story goes on.

Description: After moving to the USA from England to start her career as an NXT superstar, Ciara gets to meet her long time crush, NXT champion Finn Balor. It's clear the pair have chemistry, but when tensions start to rise, will they find they want more than a no strings attached relationship?

So this is the first piece of fanfic I have written literally ever. I will be posting them here periodically, but I already have 6 chapters out on my Wattpad, AO3 and FanFiction pages.

This series will involve romance, drama and (although it will take a little while) some smutt too. Hope you enjoy it! 😊

Chapter 5: Prince Charming

I had a quick shower in my locker room before heading out to the car park, where Fergal was coolly leaning against his car. I was feeling kind of nervous. Up to now every time I'd seen Fergal it was down to pure coincidence. Now we were very intentionally going out for food together.

"Ready to go?" he smiled as I approached his car. I nodded sheepishly in response. "Good. We'll swing by your place so you can drop of your stuff and change if you want."

"That would be great, thanks!" I threw my gym bag into the trunk and climbed into the passenger seat. Fergal turned the radio on low and pulled out of the car park.

"So can you drive back in England?" he asked me.

"To be honest no, I never got my licence"

"Really? How come?" I hesitated for a moment before answering. The truth was simple: I could never afford to. But the reason why was something I wanted to run so far away from that I'd never think about it again.

"Well... I grew up in a poor area and money was tight for a lot of my life. I guess I just... Never got around to it," I lied, before lowering my head in embarrassment.

"Ya know," he piped up eventually, clearly noticing my discomfort, "I didn't learn to drive until I joined NXT. Dusty actually taught me" he admitted, with a hint of sadness.

"You must have some great memories with him"

"Oh I could tell you some stories, " he smiled at me before turning his attention back to the road.

The journey was filled with laughter as Fergal recounted his driving lessons, and soon enough we were pulling up outside my apartment.

"Right, won't be a minute"

I jumped out of the car, rushed inside and dumped my gym stuff in the washer. Knowing that this wasn't a date took a lot of the pressure off of choosing an outfit. I kept reminding myself that this was just a casual meal between work colleagues and not to overthink it. I returned to the car in a nice top and some jeans.

"So where are we going?" I asked.

"Well there's a nice sushi place near here, or we could get pizza-"

"I LOVE sushi!" I interrupted loudly before catching myself "I mean... Sushi sounds great, please"

"Sushi it is!" Fergal giggled, and pulled away from the pavement.

* * * *

As we entered the restaurant, the host greeted Fergal with a warm, familiar smile.

"Mr Devitt! Your usual seat I presume?" he asked, eyeing me before giving Finn a knowing look. It was obvious the host was not surprised to see Fergal here with a new face.

"Yes please, if it's available"

"Of course! Right this way sir. And might I say, your lady friend looks ravishing this evening" he flashed me a charming smile.

"This is Ciara, she's a new superstar. She worked her ass off today so I'm treating her," Fergal flashed that gorgeous smile again, but his quickness to correct the hosts mistake had me a little disappointed.

"Ah, my mistake sir! I assumed... No matter. Can I get you anything to drink?"

"Just a soda, please"

We took our seats in a quiet corner of the restaurant.

"Same for me, thanks" I nodded.

"Right away," he nodded and left the two of us alone.

Our table was next to a large window looking out across a small stretch of beach. Not one of the many that were overpopulated with tourists, but a quiet, peaceful piece of heaven. As the sun started to set, its light was dancing across the surface of the ocean. It was a beautiful sight. I could see why this was Fergals usual table, though I couldn't help but wonder how many women he'd brought here, charming them with the view.

"So, what looks good?" Fergal opened the menu and glanced over the pages.

"Honestly, all of it..."

"I usually just get a sushi platter to share and then order some ramen or a bento box for myself."

"That sounds perfect," I closed my menu and set it down, relieved that he'd taken the lead before I said something stupid. Fergal called a waiter over to give him our order before turning his attention back to me.

"So how did you get into wrestling?"

"My mum is a huge fan, we used to watch it together. She's basically in love with Brett Hart" I giggled.

"She must be incredibly proud," he smiled. I nodded in response, trying to hold back some tears that had started to form. Noticing my sadness, his tone softened, "I know it's hard, moving away from family, friends, boyfriend..."

"Oh, I'm single so that's not an issue but... Yeah, I miss them a lot."

It could have been my hopeful imagination, but the look in his eyes seemed to shift slightly from sympathy to devilish triumph.

"Really? That's interesting..."

"How so?" I asked, playfully.

"Well..." he hesitated before leaning in slightly closer to me. He squinted his eyes in thought, as if he were trying to solve a difficult puzzle. "You're beautiful, so I doubt you're short on options. You don't have any annoying habits that I've seen, but honestly you're attractive enough that most guys won't care-"

"And what if I'm only interested in women?" I teased, enjoying watching his attempts at analysing me. He chuckled cockily and licked his bottom lip.

"Well in that case, all that flirting you did last night wouldn't make much sense would it?"

"I... Suppose not..." I mumbled, my cheeks beginning to feel hot once again.

Every interaction between Fergal and I felt like a game of Tennis, passing flirtatious remarks and enticing glances between us until one of us (usually me) was left feeling embarrassed.

"So that means, you're choosing to be single. Why is that?" he leaned back in his chair and folded his arms, satisfied with his theory.

"I'm just not looking for anything serious now. My career comes first."

"That's smart," he nodded in approval.

We were interrupted by a waiter bringing our food to the table. Everything looked and smelled amazing.

"I just got out of something semi-serious so, I'm focusing on my career too."

I popped a Maki roll into my mouth to hide my surprise. He didn't look like he was lying to me, but Saraya had mentioned last night that he was seeing someone. Maybe she was just taking a dig at him. There was a lot of hostility there after all.

Ugh... Thinking about last night was giving me flashbacks of my piss poor attempt at being alluring. I shuddered the thought out of my mind.

"You ok?"

"Yeah just, kind of embarrassed about last night," I confessed. "I don't normally flirt with complete strangers."

"I could tell, you were really bad at it. Do you always get like that when you're drunk or are ya just that attracted to me?" Fergal laughed, doing nothing to calm my already crimson face.

"I'm always like that, sorry to disappoint. But I did want to thank you for not taking advantage, and for making sure I got home safe. It was really kind of you..."

"Wow. No wonder you're single. You really need to get higher standards for men love. If not trying to sleep with you when you're drunk is your idea of kind, you're gonna be dating a lot of assholes."

I knew he was right, but considering my last relationship, honestly at this stage I'd say almost anything was an improvement.

We continued eating and laughing until finally the bill came. I reached into my bag to get my purse out.

"Woah, what are ya doing? I said this was my treat." Fergal insisted, reaching into his back pocket.

"At least let me pay for half of it"

"Absolutely not."

"You are fighting a losing battle here miss. Mr Devitt is a gentleman after all," the host chimed in, leaving me with no choice but to concede. We thanked him for the meal and said our goodbyes.

It was only when we got outside and it was pitch black I realised how long we'd been here for. Time really felt like nothing when I was spending it with Fergal. The journey home was made in a comfortable silence, both of us stuffed from dinner as I hummed along to the radio, and before I knew it we were pulling up outside of my apartment.

"Here, it's dark. I'll walk you to your door," Fergal switched off the engine and got out of the car.

"Thanks again for tonight. It was nice getting to hang out. Made me feel a little less lonely being here," I reached into my purse to grab my keys.

"No problem, I know what it's like moving to a new country. If you ever need anyone to just hang out with, let me know," he suggested.

"And next time I will definitely pay!"

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that." he beamed.

In the moonlight he looked more gorgeous than I could ever imagine, and I couldn't stop my gaze from wandering. They travelled from the pale blue pools of his eyes, to that intoxicating smile, to the perfect contours of his chest, all the way down to-

"Ahem, my eyes are up here," he smiled cheekily, clearly very pleased with himself that yet again he'd caught me checking him out.

"I was just-"

"No need to be embarrassed love. I take it as a compliment. I actually find it really cute you can't keep your eyes off of me. Besides..." he took a step closer to me and placed a tender hand on my cheek, "You're not the only one who's thought about it."

"Th.. Thought about... What?" I stammered, feeling a pleasant tingling at his touch.

"Oh, you KNOW what" he brushed a strand of hair behind my ear.

"I don't..."

He pushed me gently against the wall and held me there, one hand still caressing my cheek, the other pinning my hands above my head.

"So... You haven't thought about me ripping your clothes off and throwing you onto the bed. You've not thought about how it would feel, me kissing every inch of your body," he moved his face closer to mine until our lips were mere inches apart. His eyes were staring intensely into mine, and the feeling of his breath on my skin made my heart beat faster.

"And you've never imagined how, when you can't take any more, I'd make you feel more pleasure than you've ever felt before."

I ran my tongue along my bottom lip in anticipation. Anticipation for a kiss that never came. A let out a small whine as he pulled his face away and released me from his hold. Hearing this he smirked.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," he sighed, looking very frustrated with himself. "Look, you're sweet... But I don't do sweet. Okay? I do broken and desperate and fucked up. It's just easier that way. Good girls always think they can fix me, and then treat me like I'm the bad guy when they get their heart broken in the process. If you know what's good for ya, you won't cross that line. I'm not your Prince Charming, love."

He walked back to his car, leaving me alone at my doorstep, confused and disappointed as he drove off into the night. I shut the front door behind me and threw myself onto the sofa in frustration. Damn, having him that close to me, talking about the things he was had gotten me all worked up. I needed to get that out of my system before the next time I saw him, otherwise I might just have to show him how wrong he was to call me a good girl.

[ikenugs]

I saw you were taking asks! I was wondering if you could do like Beach Headcannons for the After L!Fe Reapers? Since 20 is a lot, I'll just name 5 characters for now. Cyrille, Aitachi, Kirr, Verine, and Nine. Love youu~~~💕💕🥰🥰

Of course, but I want to do all 20 of them, just I'll do it in parts so I can have a break in between them. Also love you too @yourfriendlyneighborhoodninja8 🥰🥰🥰

Beach Fun times w/ The Reapers Part 1.

Verine

So this sickly little bean is quite weak, especially to the sunlight and heat, so he just lays on a towel under an umbrella quite a ways away from the water

Cause if he went in the water, being like a fragile feather, he would probably float lol. Definitely be swept away by the current

Though he would probably benefit from the vitamin D lmao

He kinda just relaxes with Sian (secretly composing music), who hums a rhythm that softly lulls him to sleep

Let's be honest here, even after spending hours out on the beach, despite laying under an umbrella, there's no way he would get tan. He just always has this pale greenish tint that even the sun itself can't fix

Quincy kept pestering him about sunscreen, they bicker quite a lot but Verine is just the kind of person even a devil couldn't help but feel sympathy for. Despite Quincy claiming that, "I am not worried, I just simply don't want to stare at whatever monstrosity red and green combination his face would turn from a sunburn, when I wake tomorrow morning, " We all know he's just a worried sweetie and does care

Nine could catch the wistful stares of Verine as he gazed at everyone, it was impossible to ease the longing in his heart. I mean, how could he not wish to be like everyone else? To be able to do the things they all took for granted....

Ghilley with his silent footsteps scared the poor babies out of their wits

Aitachi

You see, the thing about Aitachi, is that he explicitly states that he fears water, swimming, and seafood, so this boi is gonna have a difficult time

He automatically just REFUSED to go near the sea, it scared the poor child so bad he stayed WAY far back from the shoreline.

One thing he did enjoy doing was building various different sand castles, which he did with his buddy Kirr. They had kinda formed a kinship because of their similar backgrounds. They had fun building fortresses with the sand and even brought a lobster over to defend his masterpiece

A little way through he felt that he was keeping Kirr from playing in the water and as a sorry brought him over to a small patch of grass and flowers. He taught him how to make a bead/plant weaved decoration that was a traditional piece his tribe made for hair, to put in Kirr's braid.

Kirr totally had an uwu moment for the precious child Ghilley sat watching everything behind the scenes with his familiar smile "so cute,"

Kirr

Built mini empires in the sand with Aitachi, and really had no intention of getting in the water anyways.

As, as a huntsman he never really learned to enjoy the water. Since he lived in the freezing snowy mountains, he avoided water as much as possible as that meant a guaranteed death, by hypothermia.

Ok, ok, hear me out. So, Kirr rounding up all of the crabs, clams, and lobsters to protect them from the others that wanted to eat them (others = Ethan) for dinner, to capture them. So, he just owns his own colony of marine life.

He WILL fight you you if you even try to come near his sweet animals with I'll intent, he'll straight SLAY you

HIS OWN CRAB CULT, TELL ME THAT'S SOMETHING HE WOULDN'T DO

Btw he really hates seafood (not as much as Aitachi though, that boi straight slaps seafood out of your hands if you eat it around him, Verine learned that the hard way ;;) but his kind innocent heart makes him wanna protecc them.

They're friends not food, he's just a pure and soft baby

HIS OWN SEAFOOD COLONY I CAN'T JSJSN

He wore the beads Aitachi made him WITH PRIDE, he didn't take it off until he HAD to, and that was when he took a shower. He still keeps it in his wardrobe.

Nine

This mans has a loner soul, so he would take a peaceful stroll along the shoreline, basking in his own solitude

He really enjoyed the breath taking views the beach portrayed, the way the baby blue of the sky merged with the dark ocean waves.

Along his walk he stopped to collect the crystalline sea shells on the sand, he would keep a few for memories sake, but give the majority of them to the Manager as a gift.

Another one of his favorite things to do is people watch, he observed the others playfully enjoying their time. He noticed that the activities they chose to spend their time doing reflected their personalities

Whenever anyone complained about over heating, Nine would just mysteriously appear armed and ready with his fan what a queen he's just straight up a portable ac

Also partook in the meditation session held by the farmer boi Jamie, probably one of his favorite parts

Warning: You might ACTUALLY learn things from Cyrille's hahah, feel free to skip his. But tbh I learned more researching for this headcannon then I learned in all my years of science class lol.

Cyrille

Cyrille wandered off shortly after they arrived, he noticed a form of algae growing on the waters surface, and "captured it" in one of the petri dishes he always has on hand.

He observed it closely to find the similarities between the algae and bacteria, his specialty.

Let's check in to see a sample of what he's mumbling to himself!

"Frankly speaking, they both appear in water, though algae appears exclusively in marine environments, whilst bacteria can grow in just about anywhere" (Bacteria he's talking about is oxygenic photosynthetic bacteria :)))

"Both do go through the process of photosynthesis, despite that neither are truly plants, as bacteria and algae are both only one-celled prokaryotic organisms, meaning the unicellular beings don't contain the necessary organelle to completely function as a.... --"

We don't know what he's studying either 😅😅 We need it in stupid terms lol. Maybe now he's stopped.......??

"Another key difference is that algae is the base of a food chain, while bacteria completes a food chain (decomposing) --"

Never mind......let's just leave his intelligent studies to himself. He finds these studies much more fun than swimming anyways.

I realize now that maybe I should have done the reapers in their teams, but it's too late now. But Aitachi and Kirr make such a good pair.