#I'd be mad at myself if I didn't post something for today

[jamiepaige]

Constant Companions Closeup #5: CADMIUM COLORS

(also on bandcamp and spotify!)

Once again, welcome back to the Constant Companions Closeups - a series of in-depth dives into the songs off of my latest album, Constant Companions! Last time, I wrote a whole diatribe about my OCs while talking about I Wish That I Could Fall, and today, we're eating paint! Cadmium Colors featuring Soneji of Project Mikan!

Consider this a content warning: this post will discuss the pandemic, struggles with mental health, and suicidal ideation/attempts. I'm hoping it'll ultimately be uplifting, but the discussions at hand are incredibly heavy, and it wouldn't do this song right to be vague. Please be warned.

---

Let's talk about COVID.

At the beginning of 2020, I was in the midst of a long-term break from making music. It wasn't completely cold turkey, and I might not have even called it a break if you'd asked me at the time, but things were dire. I was still dealing with the burnout I'd sustained from the making of Autumn Every Day; I'd had my ego bruised by a live performance at a house party that went so hilariously bad it'd hurt even the most stoic performers (imagine watching an entire packed room of people clear out in 5 minutes flat from the already hyper-exposed vantage point of being on stage in front of them and knowing you single-handedly caused that lol); I had just moved across the country, and was preoccupied with trying to make ends meet as a 22 year old dealing with pure adulthood for the first time.

I was working a shitty minimum wage job at a discount clothing store I will not be naming, slogging through late-night shifts that wouldn't get me home until 3 am some nights. I had friends and roommates, but they were all just as overworked and exhausted and dealing with their own shit as me. I was mentally ill and unmedicated. Suicidal ideation was rearing its ugly head at my lowest moments.

Then, as I turned 23, a global pandemic shut the world down, my grandpa died with me being unable to attend his funeral, and I had a catastrophic mental breakdown that suddenly turned the voices in my head into a deafening cacophony of self-inflicted malice.

In hindsight, I think being 23 kinda just does that to you

---

Fast forward to 2021. I was back at my retail job with the pandemic raging in full force, my sense of self was held together with duct tape, positive self-talk essentially didn't exist for me, and I was the loneliest and lowest I had ever been. I was working the fewest hours I could get away with, and still, almost all spare time I had was taken up either by work or by my recovery from it.

This was around the time I got an email from Crypton, of all places - the people that make Hatsune Miku, for anyone uninformed. They wanted a remix of the song Happy Synthesizer for a Digital Stars compilation. I could not for the life of me tell you how I lucked into this or why they reached out to me of all people, but they did, and I was deathly determined to prove myself worthy of it.

This was August of 2021. I was staring down the barrel, languishing in what felt like only half of a life, fantasizing about death and trying to twist my thoughts into something that could at least keep me blearily shuffling forward another couple days. It was untenable.

(I'd also recently been diagnosed with OSDD 1b - this is a whole can of worms I can't really open until we talk about Breeze Blows, but it's important to at least mention that coping with this was a significant part of this turnaround.)

It's melodramatic, but I had only two options - make things again, or die.

I finished that remix within 24 hours of getting the stems, and I will gladly toot my own horn about it - it's really fucking good, in my opinion. Bittersweet ended up coming together in a mad dash over the next couple months as well. I was making music again.

Even though I was exponentially busier, things paradoxically got easier. I made the creative process a priority in my life, and not only did it give me an outlet for everything that had otherwise been eating away at my soul, but it struck a chord with other people who had been struggling as well. Things just... started getting brighter.

So I kept making music and living and yadda yadda blah blah here I am. This is all a lot of words and very personal stories of mental health struggles to say this:

One: The line between being an artist and being one of countless people forced to work jobs that go nowhere, that put their life at risk, that force them to strip parts of themselves away - it is a faint and transparent line built on circumstances of class and privilege and luck. Making Art and being an Artist aren't magical elevated states of existence, but something anyone is capable of if given the space to nurture their creativity. I believe the world should be a place where any person can do this.

Two: It's easy to convince yourself that art is meaningless in the face of the world at large. And yes, revolutions aren't fought by poetry and paintings, and people aren't fed through songs. But art is a source and a medium for connection; Art is how we find beauty in a disorganized and entropic world; Art is what we come home to and what words we write and pictures we paint and songs we sing to remind us that people matter to us and love is real and life is worth fucking living. Maybe that's corny and stupid, but it's true.

Three: So help me God, I will never work retail again in my entire life.

---

This is another song that is heavily inspired by artists like Prefab Sprout, Peter Gabriel, Kate Bush, and other artists of that ilk - very 80s, very flowery and sentimental lyricism, focused on telling a story. I greatly admire songs that aren't afraid to paint otherwise banal or ordinary scenes in abstract reverence!! I wanted the verses to contrast heavily with each other in that way, with verse one's relentless poeticisms (prosaic practice of depravity) and idioms turned on their head (suspending innocents above their disbelief) against verse two's incredibly straightforward depiction of a factory worker's circumstances.

The flowery language might have worked against me somewhat, though! I've seen a lot of folks that thought the ending was darker or much more defeatist than I intended, and while some of that is just inevitable with a work of art, I want to be clear.

Translator's note: this means "don't kill yourself, you idiot"!!

As you may have picked up from the previous post in this series, this song does heavily feature a leitmotif or two predominantly performed under pudgy pretenses. I'm not going to go on that whole novella-length spiel again, but rest assured knowing that this song, too, is one that makes me think about my OCs. Since it's something many people missed, however, I will take a moment to point out that this song quotes none other than Autumn Every Day off of my album of the same name!

Painting and visual art have been something of a reoccurring obsession of mine in my own art. I grew up around visual artists, have always been friends with many visual artists, and generally have a really intense love of it as a medium and a mode of expression. However, there's also always been a sense of... well, I don't want to call it jealousy, but it's jealousy. I've tried many times to start making visual art of my own, and I have made some things, but it's been a struggle, and I worry sometimes that my eye has permanently outstripped my ability.

However, in my quest to toss out grand expectations and simply have fun making art, I did recently pick up a cheap little drawing tablet! I'm excited to be a beginner at something artistic again...

Finally, I want to thank a couple people: Soneji of Project Mikan for the gorgeous, soaring saxophone solo; friend_xp for the mindboggling MV editing; and especially my good friend Que for the GORGEOUS painterly art that goes along with this song! Que's style was just perfect for this, and really tied the whole thing together immaculately!! There's no joke or deeper lore or anything I just fucking love Que's art go follow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And with that, I think this post is complete!! If you have anything else you wanna know about, ask away in the replies! Tomorrow will be Breeze Blows with Marcy Nabors and Marlow Jacobs!!!

MAKE ART AND BE GAY

[logansargeantsbabymom]

You're Dead To Me.

Lando Norris x Fem!Reader, Fem!Reader x Uncle

Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort

A/N: this is based off a situation that happened to me irl and everything the reader says is basically everything I want to say to this blood relative. (I'm hoping this is therapeutic for me) and as much as I want to I'm not using this relative's real name.

warnings: Cursing, deadbeat uncle, mentions of suicidal thoughts, mentions of attempted suicide, maybe mentions of mental abuse but idk.

NOT PROOF READ!! COULDN'T SEE THROUGH THE TEARS 🤪🤪

F1 Masterlist

Follow my instagram account (THATS STRICTLY FOR THIS BLOG) for updates on when i post and fun stuff like that!

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I stared at the text message on my phone. I know I shouldn't answer it but part of me wants to know why he's texting me, why now after all this time he reached out to me?

My uncle (if that's what you could even call him) texted me. Just a plain and simple message: "Can we meet for lunch and talk?" I should've just ignored him like he's done to me for the past 4 years but I like to think that I'm better than that.

"Babe, is something wrong?" Lando asked as he nudged the side of my arm

"Hmm?" was all I hummed while I finally pulled back from my phone

"You've been staring at your phone with a sad look for the past 5 minutes" Lando said as he placed a reassuring hand on top mine

Lando and I were currently having coffee by the kitchen Island in our house. Well I was drinking coffee, Lando was drinking tea.

"Yeah, Jace just texted me. Wants to know if I want to meet with him to have lunch today to 'talk' whatever that means." I said unsure of what emotion to feel right now

"Jace, as in your uncl-"

"DON'T call him my uncle." I snapped as I cut Lando off.

I honestly didn't mean to snap at him but he knows about all the things he's done to me, to my family. He knows that I'm ashamed he's my blood relative and sometimes I wish I never met him.

"Right, m'sorry" A pinch of regret and sadness laced his voice which made me feel even more mad

"No, fuck. M'sorry Lando, you just know how I feel about him and I guess hearing you call him my uncle kinda sent me over the edge." I could feel the lump in my throat and my eyes burn at just the thought of being in front of him.

After a few seconds the silence was broken as Lando started talking "I'll be with you, if you meet with him"

"Yeah, I think I'd like that." I mumbled as I roughly rubbed my face with my palms before picking up my phone and texting Jace back.

Me: 2pm, Holly's Diner. Don't be late and come ALONE. Jace:Thank you.

with a scoff and a sigh I placed my phone down. I had 2 hours before I had to meet Jace, let's just hope I can compose myself.

"Where are we meeting him at?" Lando said as he walked back over to the Island after placing both our mugs in the sink.

"Holly's, 2pm" I said, uncertainty lacing my voice

"Let's get ready then." Lando guided me to our shared room where we gathered all our clothes and thing we'd need for a shower before making our way to the bathroom.

--------

Lando and I have been waiting in this Diner for what felt like years before I finally looked at the time for what must've been the 7th time since we'd arrived. '1:58' just 3 more minutes and then he's late which gives me the green light to leave and avoid him for the rest of my life.

A ring of the bell above the door pulled me from a thought I wasn't aware I was deep into. Turning my head I'm met with a man who I didn't see as family, the man I saw was a total stranger. It didn't take long for him to spot me too, given that the diner wasn't big.

Once Jace got close enough, I watched as his arms opened as if indicating for a hug, which I quickly shut down with an awkward nod. Jace took the note and just sat in front of us.

"Who's this, I thought we were both coming alone?" Jace said gesturing towards Lando who sat in the booth right next to me

"I told you to come alone, I said nothing about me and this is my boyfriend Lando" I saw Jace reach a hand out to shake Lando's hand and as much as I wanted to pull Lando's hand away, I couldn't make his decisions for him.

Lando opted to quickly shake his hand before letting us talk

"So, why'd you want to talk?" I said coldly while playing the ice in my Dr Pepper, avoiding eye contact

"Right! I'm just trying to make amends with the family, you know how much I love you guys so much and I really want to be in your life again. I know I've been a bit distant with you guys, you especially and I want that all to change. I want to be a better Tio to you, I know it's gonna take time but I'm willing to allow as much time as you need, Valerie also wants to see you again." Hearing him say all of that almost made me to storm out. I felt the lump coming back in my throat and my eyes starting watering. There was no way I was getting through this little meeting without absolutely sobbing and throwing shit at him.

"Are you kidding? You called me here to makes amends? Do you know all the shit-"

"Hey! You know how I feel about curing." He had the nerve to cut me off

"NO! I'm talking! I gave you the floor interruption free so I want the floor interruption free!" I could feel my blood boil and if it warns for Lando right next to me I think I would've absolutely lost my shit already.

Jace just stared at me before slightly nodding his head gesturing me to continue

"Do you know all the SHIT you put me through?? All the shit you put my family thro-"

"They're my family too" oh you're fucking joking me right?

"You have one more time to interrupt me before I walk out and block you" I said sternly as I pointed my finger at the older man in front of me.

I know I should have respect for my elders but I only respect them when they respect me.

"Sir, please let her finish" Lando tried pleading with the man

"This doesn't concern you. I don't know why you're here." Oh NOW I'm fucking done

"Lando, let's go. We're leaving" I said as I started to make my way out of the booth

"No! Please, I'm sorry. We need to talk." Now he wants to listen to me. Unbefuckinglievable.

I felt Lando's hand on my wrist which caused me to look at him. His eyes saying 'just let him hear you out' which made me reluctantly give in and sit back down.

"One more disrespectful remark or interruption, I'm LEAVING"

"Sorry" Jace mumbled

"I don't care what kind of realization you came to that made you realized that you fucked up and wanted us back but its 5 years too late. Do you know how many things I've done in my life that I thought you would be proud of? I tried to call you when I got my permit and you declined the call, I thought you were busy so I waited a few hours before I called you back and you still didn't answer so I let it go. I also tried to call you when I got my license but you also didn't answer, I invited you to my National Honors Society induction ceremony and you didn't show, I invited you to my sweet 16 and you didn't come, I then invited you to my 18th birthday party and surprise surprise you didn't show. Against my better judgement, I invited you to my high school graduation and you told wela that you already had dinner plans and you 'couldn't' move it. Do you know how much each and every single one of those situations hurt me? How much I HATED still wanting your validation even though I knew you couldn't care less? That's only the tip of the iceberg after we moved to Pennsylvania, when we still lived in Florida and we all live together, do you know how much I HATED living there after Valerie and her 2 kids moved in? Valerie never liked me, she and her daughter ALWAYS blamed everything wrong on mean guess what? You NEVER stood up for me once. You punished me for my dirty room even though it wasn't my mess and after you realized that it was in fact Erica's mess and not mine, you never apologized to me. You didn't care for me, didn't love me and you even told me so. Remember that one day in the pool where you told me AND I QUOTE 'you don't get love because you're the middle child' then proceeded to get mad at me when I got upset, claiming that I 'couldn't take a joke'? Well I do because it's fucking drilled in my head. I bet you don't remember the time you punished me so hard for a DIFFERENT mess that Erica made that it really made me believe that you didn't love me and that you really didn't care whether I lived or died so I tried to kill myself that night? I bet you do because my mom absolutely reamed you a new asshole because of it. Yeah, that wasn't the only time I tried to kill myself because of you. I tried 4 separate times and at the time I was mad that God didn't let me die but now I'm kinda happy. I'm happy because I met the love of my life, I have a great job oh and remember my dad's oldest friend Luis? Yeah he took on the role of the uncle you were supposed to be to me and my siblings. Everything you were supposed to go to that you didn't, he went to. He made sure that we knew he loved us, he takes us to the movies, to amusement parks, pools, he's gone on family vacations with us and overall in the last 4 years he's been the 'play' uncle, he's the best uncle I could ever ask for. Oh and I know you just want to be in my life right now because I've had a pretty successful career working for the McLaren f1 team and my boyfriend is an f1 driver, but to give you my answer on whether I'll allow you to make amends with me, my answer is a big fat fucking no." I said as I threw the linen on the table before grabbing Lando's hand and got out of the booth before turning to face Jace one more time "Oh and you're dead to me" I said before Lando and I walked out of the diner.

I somehow didn't cry at all through my whole speech to Jace. I also knew that I wasn't going to be able to hold in all this anger and sadness anymore and soon I was going to breakdown.

--------

Miraculously, I somehow was able to make it home without crying too. It was only a 10 minute car ride but it consisted of concentrated breathing and occasionally looking up when I could feel the tears well in my waterline.

"Baby, are you okay?" Lando said as he closed and locked the front door.

The second those last three words came out his mouth, the wall I built up came crumbling down and so did I. I just fell to my knees and started sobbing into my palms, I haven't cried this hard since my dad confronted me and started crying about my suicide attempt. I quickly felt Lando wrap his arms around me before gently lifting me up and walking over to the couch before sitting down and placing me on his lap allowing me to sob into his chest, while whispering sweet nothings in my ear the whole time.

We stayed like this for about a good 10 minutes before I stopped crying, well I didn't necessarily stop crying but I wasn't a gasping mess like before.

One thing about Lando? He's one hell of a comforter and I love him dearly for that.

--------

Sorry for dropping this on you guys but I'm hoping this is therapeutic for me because it allows me to say what I want to say (even if I can't say it to his face)

this really isn't proof read, I literally cant stop crying rn.

taglist:

@luckyladycreator2 @itsmiamalfoy @jeffs77 @ilivbullyingjeongin @forevercaffeinated-lee @daemyratwst @gulphulp @callsignwidow @f1wintermoon13 @teenwolf01 @victoriassecret101 @hiireadstuff @formulaal @eddieharrington @kazza72584 @zabwlky1999 @dark-night-sky-99 @rougekiki @xoscar03 @jess-wither @bountychanti @dhanihamidi @Ggasly.p @tellybearryyyy

[mimi-is-so-horny]

okay, so... you know how sometimes a day starts lovely, and then it goes to shit? and sometimes, you feel like you've done this to yourself? actually, you have done it to yourself. anyway.

i made a point to wake up early today to make Sir and Anna breakfast and to write them a note thanking them for fucking me so well yesterday, and for being pretty much the best thing in my life right now. i felt very grateful and i know i'm very lucky. i think they appreciated that, too.

i blew the candles on my birthday cake naked on Sir's lap - i've been 25 for a couple of days, and i usually hate my birthdays, but Anna insisted we should do the whole birthday thing properly. Sir wrote me a birthday card that almost moved me to tears. He groped my tits as i blew my candles.

for context, i used to want to enter academia in combination to committing to a totally different career path. what i'm doing right now isn't even my Plan C, so of course, i feel a bit like a failure. i'd written a chapter in a book that discussed some recent developments in my field and placed them in a behavioural/institutional context - the book was published this year, and the complimentary copy they sent to authors arrived on my birthday. i should be happy, right? but i feel so defeated, and so dumb, and like this is the first and last good thing i got to do before giving up on my aspirations completely. sure, i'll still apply to enter a more commercial side of my field next year, but that's still just more "sustainable", financially, and more difficult than i thought it would be. all this effort for something i won't really value or enjoy, yuck. and what if i fail, again? anyway. Mimi's whiny ass.

so Sir asked me to read my chapter, and i said yes, sure. He wanted to "see how i think". why not, right?

He fucked me yesterday, and this morning, and at noon, and it felt so good. and now He came to my room, to tell me He read my chapter, and while i felt vulnerable i tried to look cool asking Him what He thought of it.

and He showered me in compliments, and asked me why am i here, and not at a Big Prestigious University™ doing research? i told Him that's why i tried, and the Big Prestigious University™ didn't do shit for Mimi in a post-covid job market where she had to care for her family and couldn't work Prestigious Unpaid Internships™. and still, with no network or real mentors that cared more about guiding me than fucking me, or plagiarising me (lol), my options narrowed. and He knew that, so why was He asking me? and then He asked more questions, and i got increasingly angry and i cried and told Him to leave my room, please. well, at least He did.

so now i have to go downstairs and apologise for lashing out at Him for essentially caring. that was just me projecting - how mad i am at myself for failing, and for giving up, and and for being too lazy to try again - on Him. but i also don't want to do that, because i can only taste how i'm not working in the city i want, and how the people i work for are surprised when i can introduce better corrections than them, and how i am a grown woman that is already bitter about not being where she wanted to be. how i pretend to have given up, when in reality i'm still kind of grieving the people i thought i could be, and realising it can always get worse. am i making myself into a victim: poor-me, poor-me? or am i entitled to my anger and sadness? i don't know, and Sir knows something sad happened to me without my consent, a long while ago - so what if He sees me as a victim, too? am i really that stupid and that passive? what if i'm wasting His time, too?

i don't think i use kink as a coping mechanism or as a distraction; i'm just happy it's an area of my life i'm currently getting exactly what i want, exactly in my own terms and limits - i've rarely gotten that much respect and reciprocity in "vanilla world" - be it work, or education, or friendships. but that fact also makes me sad. why can't i have some of the things i want, sometimes? why was it "Rejection Letter"+"Your Flatmate Lost Your Cat And Now Won't Help Or Speak To You"+"Your Supervisor Wants To Fuck You And He's Angry Now!"+"Your Family Is Asking For Money, Again!!!", and not, like, slightly better? it's hard to feel empowered now. that sad six-year-old is here again, and she wants good stuff i don't know how to give, because i'm out of fucking candy (or, y'know, drugs. because i don't do that shit anymore).

anyway, that will be a difficult conversation. and i feel sorry for Him, for having to deal with me.

well, that was a very self-centred ramble by a fairly self-centred person, so i'm sorry if you read this? but also it was your choice to do so, meh. drink water, wear sunscreen.

[heresthestorymorningglory]

To Touch and Be Touched

Summary: It's a double date

A/N: Happy December my dears! (This one's gonna be a long one so bear with me!)

Figured I'd share some Six since life is going to just get a little crazy the next couple of weeks with the holidays.

This has been a YEAR for me personally, and frankly I can't wait for it to come to a close, some of you know, but most of you don't...I lost my mom in March of this year to cancer. It was hard, unexpected, and the worst thing I've experienced in my life to date. That woman was my fucking rock, she was my best friend and there are so many things I wish I could tell her, and could have told her that I can't now.

The last year has been a fucking rollercoaster of emotions for me and I couldn't have gotten through without a handful of very very important special people. Take it from someone who wishes they would have done things differently; if you have something to say to someone you love, tell them. Don't have regrets.

That being said, I completely lost myself in my writing over the last 9 months and have never been more grateful or flattered by your unwavering support.

There were (and still are) days where the only thing that got me out of bed were these muses, be it Six, Logan or otherwise. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your love and support, it means the world to me.

One more thing before I get to the proper jargon; I discovered today, that the Nurse Series is officially 1 year old! (as of November 16th) that is absolutely WILD to me, this was supposed to be a one shot nurse fetish and this is officially part 14 (with more to come) It wouldn't be what it is without y'all <3 If I don't post beforehand, happy holidays to all of you and I'll see you on the flip side <3

PS: I know this time of year can be hard; if you need someone to talk to my inbox is (and always will be regardless of the time of year) open <3

Okay so, regular stuff....

A second bit of a collab with my darling doppelganger, she wrote the Lars x Becca bits because who knows Lars better? The answer is no one.

As always, this NSFW 18+ should be par for the course at this point. So like….?

My beautiful partner in crime, my enabler, my soul sister @ken-dom without whom this continuation would not have happened….I thank you for your continued support and love and will forever relish in the fact that I’ve dragged you over to the Six side ;)

This is indeed a continuation of what I’ve affectionately titled the Nurse Series, read previous parts  here.

This was meant to be a TWO part series and Six just refuses to rest so here we are.

Enjoy my loves! <3

Six came in through the back door, tray of coffees and breakfast in hand, he could hear you and Becca chatting in the kitchen. He stopped just short of the doorway, leaning against the wall, listening intently. 

“Last time I told Court he didn't have a choice, he tied me to a chair for two hours to prove a point. He'd put us both under an arm and Lars would follow him anywhere he was taking you”

Six scoffed softly hearing Becca laugh.  

You sighed loudly, “The man drives me fucking mad, Becks” your voice was muffled, you were leaning on the table. 

“He's just protecting you” she reasoned 

Six glanced over his shoulder as Lars came down the stairs 

“Morning -”

Six put his finger to his lips, setting the coffees and breakfast down on a small table in the hallway. 

Lars frowned “What are you -?” 

“Shhh” Six whispered as Lars came to stand behind him.

“It's exactly the point actually, he loves you, you idiot; of course he's going to fly in anywhere half cocked if it means protecting you” 

“And get himself killed in the process” you countered “He won't do much good to me dead”

“We shouldn't-” Lars wrang his hands, distressed 

“It's fine” Six whispered 

You sighed, you were worried, he could hear it. “What if it was Lars?” 

This caught Lars’ attention, and Six glanced back at him, half expecting him to dash into the kitchen and give them away. His cheeks were flushed deep red, but he didn't move. 

 “We wouldn't leave the bedroom” she muttered “If he was all possessive and shit…Honestly don't know how you function when Six is like that” 

“Got a dark side you're hiding there Lars?” Six smirked 

“Nnn-no” Lars whispered shaking his head 

“Sounds like you could be” he teased 

“We shouldn't be-” 

Lars moved to expose them and Six lurched forward, making a conscious effort to grab his sleeve and not his hand to keep him stationary. He had spent enough time here to notice Lars wore a lot of layers, he had meant to ask you about it, but sorted out that Lars didn't like to be touched, he actively avoided it as much as he could. Except with Becca, Lars touched Becca constantly and let her touch him. 

He could relate…. maybe he'd ask Lars about that himself later. 

“No, Lars” he whispered “Two minutes and we'll go out there…just…shhh”

Lars whined, but fell back

“Whatever works,” Becca laughed lightly. “So, have you forgiven him yet?” 

You sighed “He doesn't fucking deserve it, but yeah.”

Lars turned to look at Six with a huge grin on his face. “Told you so” 

“Sure sounded like he deserved it last night” she quipped. 

Six snorted with a laugh picking up the tray of coffees “Count to thirty before you follow”

***

Six perched himself on the empty stool next to you and fished a bagel out of the paper bag and placed it in front of you. 

“Eat” he ordered, setting your coffee next to your bagel. 

“You're not the-”

He cocked his head with a raised eyebrow and you pressed your lips together with a smile, dropping your gaze 

“Hmm?” he hummed questioningly leaning to look at you 

“Yes, Sir” you muttered, picking up half of the bagel and taking a small bite. 

He pulled the other coffees from the tray and handed Becca and Lars their drinks. 

Becca smirked taking the cup marked with a ‘B’ 

“So,” you cleared your throat “Becca and I thought we could all go bowling this afternoon?”

“I have to-” Six started and you cut him off shaking your head. 

“We're- going- bowling.” You repeated, turning to look at him. 

He scoffed with a snort and you sighed heavily sliding off your stool, grabbing the front of his t-shirt “Excuse us” you smiled at Lars and Becca, pulling him off his own stool and down the hallway 

“I love it when you get all authoritative” Court smirked as you pushed him against the banister. 

You rolled your eyes. “Babe, please” you sighed as he threaded his fingers together with yours and pulled you against him. 

You let out a heavy sigh through your nose and let yourself be pulled against his broad chest as he turned you around, pushing you against the banister. 

He pressed against you, his forehead leaned against yours. You cupped his cheek your eyes searching his face. 

“Please,” you whispered, “Will you just try to relax for one afternoon?”

He didn't say anything so you continued. 

“If Lloyd rears his ugly pedo mustache we'll deal with it, okay?”

He let out a heavy breath through his nose “You're barely back on your feet” he whispered, his thumb sliding gently over the yellowing bruise across your nose. 

You closed your eyes at his touch. “I'm fine, Court”

You wrapped your arms around his middle, kissing his jaw as he rested his head against yours. 

“I can't find him” he whispered into your hair “I can't risk putting all of you in danger”

“Lloyd isn't going to show up in a bowling alley, babe,” you sighed “Especially when he knows you're looking for him”

“That's what I thought about the hospital” he whispered 

You pulled back slightly looking him in the face. “What?”

He ran his tongue between his lips “The hospital that day,” he whispered “I thought you'd be safe…I didn't think he would-”

You bit down on your lip gently. “You knew he was there.”

It was a statement not a question. 

“No,” he shook his head “I knew he was in town; I didn't think he'd…” he trailed off, pulling you against him, pressing a kiss to the side of your head. 

You sighed against his chest, hugging him tighter. “It's okay, I'm okay” 

You rubbed your hands over his back and you felt him relax under your touch. 

“I promise,” you muttered against his shoulder “If Lloyd shows up, I'll get Becca and Lars out, okay?” 

He pulled back with a slow nod before pressing his lips to yours gently. 

“I told you before, I'm not going to hide from Lloyd Hansen the rest of my life, that hasn't changed” you spoke softly 

“I wish you would” he muttered “At least until I kill the bastard”

“So I can sit at home worried sick about you?” You questioned and he leaned his forehead back against yours. 

“You knew what you were signing up for when you agreed to marry me” 

“And you knew how stubborn I was when you asked” you smiled, arms slipping around his neck 

“It seems we're at an impasse, Mrs Gentry” he muttered, kissing you again, deeper this time, making you shiver before he pulled away. 

You sighed content against “Don't pull that Mrs Gentry shit with me”

“Why not?” He smiled coyly “Because it works?” He leaned to kiss a trail over your neck and along your jaw. 

You faltered, only briefly before pushing him back gently and shaking your head “No, no, not here; not now”

“After bowling then,” he said matter of fact before leaning next to your ear, his warm breath making yours catch in the back of your throat before he spoke. “I'll make you scream my name so loud the neighborhood will hear”

You gasped softly, but didn't speak. He didn't give you the opportunity. He was already two strides away, headed back toward the kitchen. Having left you flustered and flushed leaning against the banister for a few extra seconds before you collected yourself and followed. 

***

You gripped Court's hand tighter as you felt him go rigid as you walked toward your assigned lane, bowling shoes in your other hand; Lars and Becca walking hand in hand a few feet ahead. 

“Relax” you whispered 

He ignored you and you rolled your eyes with a heavy sigh. 

“At least pretend to have a good time. It's the least you can do after everything Becca and Lars have done for us” you snapped stalking ahead. 

You heard him sigh behind you but kept walking. You sat in a hard plastic chair and changed your shoes. 

Becca had caught your eye, sensing your shift in attitude. She sat next to you, leaving Lars to add your names to the screen as Six sat next to him, smart to leave you be. 

“What happened?” She muttered, swapping out her own shoes. 

You rolled your eyes with a shake of your head as you tied your shoe. “He's just….” You trailed off shaking your head harder with a huff. 

“Hey, you got him here” she whispered “Baby steps” 

Another heavy sigh through your nose as you clenched your jaw with pursed lips. You glanced up feeling his eyes on you from across the floor. 

You stared each other down, his blue eyes piercing through the dark ambiance of the bowling alley. A challenge, who would give up first…before you finally dropped your gaze. 

“Idiot” you muttered to yourself, bending to tie your other shoe. 

“They're rarely pretty and smart” she smirked before pulling herself from the chair. 

You snorted, watching as she slid a hand over Lars’ shoulder and down the front of his chest as she leaned to brush her lips against his cheek before walking toward the lane to take her turn. 

You watched silently as Court studied them like you'd seen him study so many things before. Sometimes you forgot where he came from, that he'd spent so long behind concrete walls and iron bars. He never talked about it, and you never asked, you hadn't had the heart to. 

Much like Lars, Court struggled with intimacy and touch. Sex he was good at, intimacy scared him…although he'd never admit it. 

You got up to take your turn, feeling Court's eyes burning into your back as you walked up the lane. 

You took your turn and pivoted on your heel as Court came to meet you at the ball return. 

“Are you going to be stubborn all day?” He questioned 

You glared at him “Funny, coming from you” 

You purposefully pushed against his shoulder as you walked around him and his fingers sank into the fleshiest part of your hip, stopping you. He leaned next to your ear, his voice thick with annoyance as he spoke. 

“You know it's not safe for us to be here”

“And you know Lloyd won't dare show his face”

“I don't” he growled through clenched teeth, fingers squeezing your hip tighter before he sighed, forcing himself to relax “I don't know that, and I cant-”

“We're not having this argument right now, Court, not here.” You cut him off, twisting out of his grip and taking your seat. 

***

As you anticipated the afternoon had gone off without a hitch and it had taken everything in you not to tell Court “I told you so” 

“So, what’s with Lars’ touch thing?”

Six tossed a strip of gum into his mouth and started chewing, waiting intently for your answer. 

“What do you mean?” you asked, settling beside him in bed.

“Well, he seems to touch Becca almost constantly. Can’t seem to manage without being attached to her — and hey,” Six slipped am around you and pulled you to rest against his bare chest, smirking when you slid your hand over his stomach, “I get it, more than anyone. But he dodged everyone else like they have the plague. Why?”

“Have you asked him?”

Six shook his head. “Didn’t wanna make him uncomfortable.”

“Alright,” you sighed, “But, look- just don’t tell him I told you, okay?”

Six held up his hands. “His secret’s safe with me.”

“Lars has this… thing. He’s always had it. If someone touches his skin with theirs, it burns him.”

“Jesus-”

“Well, his doctor found out about it and referred him to Becca for touch therapy-”

“Oh yeah,” Six drawled with a suggestive tone, “I can see where this is going.”

You slapped Six’s chest playfully. “No! Well- kind of. But, no, Court. Just let me finish.”

“Go ahead.” He resumed chewing his gum.

“So, he starts seeing Becca at the hospital. They go through the standard touch therapy stuff, but he doesn’t appear to need it. She can place a hand on his skin and keep it there for a whole minute, and - nothing!”

“Nothing? That’s a whole other problem.”

“Stop it, Court. So Becca contacts Lars’s doctor and asks why he’s been referred and if there was some sort of mistake. Both of them are baffled. Lars is baffled too. Is he cured all of a sudden?”

You push up to see Six’s reaction. You love this part of the story every time you ask Becca to tell you it but you’ve never told it to anyone else. Six raises his eyebrows as he waits for the big reveal.

“Turns out, his doctor is a psychiatrist too, and she figures it out pretty quickly.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. So Lars is comfortable being touched by… certain people. People he wants to be touched by. It’s rare, like it only happened with one or two other people before-”

“The sex doll?”

“Bianca.” you corrected him. “And yes. Turns out he just really liked Becca. Love at first sight, he calls it. But he didn’t even realise until he’d seen his own doctor again and she gently explored the possibility with him. So, he was referred to another doctor for the therapy, and the rest is history.”

“Is that what the kids call rizz? Does Lars have rizz in this story?”

You snort.

“Is he getting better?” Six goes on, more serious.

“Yeah. Slow progress, but yeah,” you nod, smiling.

“You know, I think I could benefit from a bit of this- what’s it called? Touch therapy?”

“Oh, why’s that?” you ask, eyes narrowing in suspicion.

Six takes your hand in his, kisses it delicately, and then guides it down over the sheets, pressing your palm to his huge erection.

You smiled, leaning into him, your fingers teasing over the soft cotton of the sheet pooled in his lap. His thumb reached dragging slowly over your bottom lip as his fingers hooked under your chin, pulling you closer, his lips moving slowly against yours before he pulled you into his lap. 

You straddled his middle, kissing along his jaw, his beard scratching against your cheek. He stuck his gum to the top of the nightstand and you pulled back with a frown “Court Gentry!”

His brow furrowed and he pouted “I'll deal with it after”

He reached around your back with both hands, squeezing your ass making you giggle as you caught yourself on his shoulders. 

You rocked your hips into his resting your forehead against his. “You're insatiable” you whispered and he groaned with approval. 

You lifted your hips and he shifted the sheet out from under you, exposing his hard shaft. You ease yourself back into his lap, you both groaned in unison as he eased himself inside. You wrapped your arms around his shoulders, pulling him to you as you rocked your hips into his. 

You sighed as his mouth latched on to your throat, skin pinching between his teeth, making you gasp and lean heavier against him. Your fingers threading through thick dirty blond as you leaned your head back, fingernails scraping over his scalp, making him moan against your throat. 

His hands slid up over your naked back, rough and calloused making your whole body shiver. You dropped your head forward taking his face in both hands, his blue eyes searched yours. Your thumbs stroked over his cheeks as your hips kept their slow rhythm, your frame wrapped in his massive arms. 

His lips parted and you took in a breath, biting gently on your bottom lip as his hands roamed over your body, warm against your skin. 

You dropped your hands to his shoulders as he took your face in his. 

“Tell me you love me” His voice was a breathy whisper as he pulled your face closer to his. 

Your eyes slipped closed as he brought your mouth to his, lips barely touching as you nodded slowly in his hands “I do” you breathed 

“Say it” His breath mingling with yours as you moaned softly, your fingers curling against his shoulders 

“I love you” you whispered and he closed the miniscule gap between you, his tongue tangled with yours as he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you against him as he bucked his hips, making you cry out into his mouth as his cock brushed the right spot inside you. 

Your fingernails dug into the muscle of his shoulders as he did it again, making you weak. He broke your kiss, and moaned deep and primal in the back of his throat in the crook of your neck as you breathed heavy, gasping with each thrust of his hips. 

“I-” you whined “Court- God- I'm-” 

You struggled to get the words out, 

The moan ripping from the back of your throat; his hand landing heavy over your mouth as you squeezed your eyes shut, plummeting into your bliss, muffled cries against his palm, a satisfied grunt against your neck sending shivers through your body, right down to your fingertips. 

***

You sighed against his chest, limbs tangled in sheets, wrapped around each other; your fingers dragging lazily over his heated skin. 

“What?” He asked, his voice vibrating through his chest, his own fingers dragging lazily up and down the length of your arm. 

When you didn't answer right away he squeezed you gently. “Tell me”

You sighed again, wetting your lips before you spoke. You hated that he could do that. 

“You need to slow down” you spoke quietly 

“I thought you liked fast and furious” he teased 

You adjusted to look at him better “I'm serious Court, you need to take a break or you're going to burn yourself out. You know Lloyd will resurface eventually, don't kill yourself looking for him”

The fingers ghosting across your arm stopped abruptly and he sighed “I'm not going to burn out” 

“You already are” your voice raising an octave as you sat up to catch him roll his eyes and his arm dropped to the bed. 

“What?” You asked, "You think I don't notice that you haven't been sleeping?” 

“I sleep” he sighed 

You scoffed “Please” 

“I sleep” he repeated 

“You're not!” You nearly shrieked “Have you looked at yourself?! You look like hell; and you don't think I feel you get out of bed in the middle of the night and not come back?!”

He didn't answer and you raised your eyebrows expectantly. 

“And I know you're not going for a run every morning” 

He dropped his gaze then and you watched his chest deflate. 

“What are you doing?” You asked, your voice dropping again. 

When he still didn't answer you continued 

“You're looking for him, aren't you?” You asked “You’re seeking him out”

“I'm not-”

“Don't you dare lie to me” you snapped “Not again”

You paused for a beat

“Have you?” 

He sighed and nodded “Yeah”

You scoffed and moved to climb out of bed before his hand closed around your wrist. 

“Don't” you snapped, pulling your wrist free, only to have both hands grab you by the waist. You caught yourself on his shoulder as he sat up on his knees. One hand moving to cup your face and you closed your eyes leaning into his touch before looking back at him. “Are you trying to get yourself killed?”

You couldn't help the tears welling in your eyes as his thumb stroked over your cheek. 

“If you don't want to be with me anymore just -”

“Woah, woah, what?” He frowned “Who said anything about-”

Tears slid down your cheeks as you shook your head as much as his hand would allow “Well, you keep going after Lloyd, and you know how dangerous he is”

“I want to keep you safe” he whispered 

“So if he kills you it'll be my fault” you said simply, crying harder 

“What?!” He was cupping your face in both hands “Absolutely not”

You hiccuped with a sob, crying harder, throwing your arms around his neck and pressing your face into his collarbone. 

He wrapped his arms around you, hugging you tightly, pressing a kiss into your hair, taking a deep deep breath through his nose as your body shook against him.

“It's okay,” he muttered closing his eyes, his hand rubbing over your bare back soothingly “I'm right here” 

You squeezed him tighter 

He held you against him until you started to relax before he pulled back to look at you, his hands moving back to hold your face. 

“Now, you listen to me,” he said sternly and you sniffed “I don't ever want to be without you. Do you hear me?”

You nodded slowly meeting his eyes and he continued 

“Nothing that happens to me because of Lloyd will ever be your fault, understand?”

“But-” you protested before he cut you off 

“Do you understand?” He repeated, squeezing your face gently between his hands 

“Yes” you whispered 

“Good” he kissed your forehead “Don’t want to be with you…” he muttered settling back into the sheets “Ludacris” 

You giggled softly settling back against his chest with a sigh

[respectthepetty]

Pit Babe Colors Ep. 8

I'm challenging myself with this show and seeing how good my color skills really are, so I'm doing my normal thing of watching it double-speed on mute, but now, the captions are off also. It's just colors and vibes here. Also, I know way more than I intended because of comments and reblogs on previous posts, so I'm in the know now.

Kim looking at Kenta's face right before the elevator closed is the only thing keeping me from losing it. If Kentana doesn't save Kimberly, what is the point of this?! What is the point of Kentana?!

Are y'all a couple now? Y'all are starting to color and outfit coordinate, and it feels very gay.

I don't know what to do with these two.

I'm pretty sure I'm just not seeing pink on Pete, which means he has connections to the red, and Way refuses to stay blue, so I'm sure he is still planning some corrupt red nonsense.

JUST BE BLUE! Just be in love with each other. Accept his love, Waymond!

I never thought I'd write this, but be like Jeffrey, Waymond. Turn blue. Commit to the blue. Fall in love!

Look at him! No matter what connection he has to the red, he is beating the allegations. Peter is a GOOD MAN! If Waymond doesn't fall in love with him, somebody else will. Guaranteed.

Not going to read too much into that red stripe at the top of the room, but this is a red's room. Is this Kimberly's?! Why is there so much blood?!

When you take people's superpowers, yet have no idea how to use the superpowers. Apparently, Babe without superpowers is still better than everyone else. At least Charles is no longer a lying blue.

I think Big Red knows something is different with Babe, and even though Jeffrey still has that damn red bag . . . IS THAT WAYMOND?! No, Waymond, no! Do NOT work with Big Red. You have Peter RIGHT THERE! Quit your bullshit, Waymond!

WTF, Kentana?! If I have to pick between you two, I pick Peter. No contest. Kimberly, Peter, and Alan above everyone else. Kentana, you better stop it! You are still on my shit list!

Hold up! Do you two know each other? Like biblically? What is this tension? What are these looks? Why does this feel very personal? I ain't mad at it, but Kentana still needs to save Kimberly!

Jeffrey, why would you go there in that red and blue flannel shirt?! That won't save you, buddy!

Kentana, the ONLY thing that will redeem you is saving Kimberly. I didn't like Jeffrey, but now he is matching with Alan, so they are in love, and you can't break Alan's heart! You are just fucking up left and right today, and I hope you get punched in the throat before this episode is over.

KIMBERLY IS DYING! And y'all are about to have sex in the blue after tending wounds which is pointless because you have superpowers that will heal you!!!!!! Y'all continue to amaze me by the lack of priorities. Save Kim Possible!

Why is this shot in the mirror? Why is there a barrier between you two? This is odd. More lies?

Who takes a shot like that?! A KILLER! Barbara, get it together! This isn't an episode of Dead Friend Forever, and you are no longer a red.

Everything about this scene is ridiculous. Charles in blue. SONIC in blue. North and Waymond in black. AND EVERYONE IS DRINKING RED SODA! This not looking good for the blues. Whatever they are talking about, the reds already won.

Barbara continues to be touchy-feely with Waymond. Why can't he just let Waymond brood in peace? Barbara knows Waymond loves him, yet gives Waymond no space. Go tend to your boyfriend's fake injuries, Barbara! Waymond is working with Big Red and not falling in love with Peter, yet you have me feeling bad for him, Barbara. I should hate Waymond! BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE YOU WON'T LEAVE HIM BE!

These two have to be sleeping together. Cooking Crush had the Chicken Bite product placement too and Prem and Ten definitely want each other in that show, so North and Sonic have to want each other too, yes? Yes. Now why are they watching Whiny Winifred while flirting IN THE BLUE?! They finally are both wearing blue at the same time. Thank, Baby Jesus.

I was worried seeing Waymond in the red doorway, but he has Charles and Barbara. But they aren't saving Kimberly. Why does nobody care about Kimberly?!

The kid is blue. Is he the insider informant? He is a child!

Why are there so many red kids in the world? Big Red, why do you need an army?! Overthrow your shitty kidnappers with your superpowers, kids! REVOLT! Sí se puede

KIMBERLY!

North and Sonic are going to save Kimberly! They are finally in the blue and saving my favorite red! I never doubted them!

WHAT THE FUCK?! THEY DIDN'T SAVE KIMBERLY?!

Southwest Airlines and Vegas' Hedgehog did NOT save Kimberly! Kentana watched as Kimberly got taken, then had the audacity to have chemistry with Peter. Jeffrey walked right into the reds like that was gonna save him instead of saving Kimberly! Whiny Winifred kicked Kimberly. Waymond is working with Big Red and not saving Kimberly. Charles and Barbara CANNOT prioritize and are talking to a blue kid and giggling at each other instead of rescuing Kimberly.

AND BARBARA IS FIGHTING PETER NEXT WEEK!

These men need to get their shit together! The ONLY things that needed to happened this episode were 1) SAVE KIMBERLY and 2) ACCEPT PETER'S LOVE! Neither happened. Honestly, Kentana and Waymond could die and leave Kimberly and Peter to be the power couple of Alan's company. They both wear too much black, and unlike Barbara, they aren't the title character, so either commit to the blue Waymond or Kentana, or else I'm gonna start thinking y'all are disposable.

[valleeslunaires]

𝐢 𝐟𝐚𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞'𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐲

this isn't how i planned to tell my weekend (or how i thought i had planned nor the post i had written initially) but as taylor says "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail". Well, let's start with the context!

gp (grand-prix) of são paulo, formula one, november 3rd! it's been 2 months i've been going crazy over this gp but only with 2 weeks for it to happen i decided to take action on what i've learned on the loa! I did pinterest boards, i told to people i'd be going, i imagined it happening, i wrote down what i wanted, subliminals… and it failed. I didn't go. But there is a why and I KNOW this why!

What i've been talking here a lot: STATE! This is what really matters and this is the reason i failed and i recognize that! Even doing all the "right steps", my state wasn't the "right one"! I closed my eyes and felt like i was in the circuit watching the race, getting autographs from my favorite driver… but when i came back to the 3D, i made mistakes! I questioned the loa, i looked for proof in the 3D letting clear the 4D wasn't enough for me, i started doing backups… what i'd say to people if i failed, what i'd do if i failed, how sad i'd be… my state was of accomplished only for a few moments, but most of the time i was in the state of wishing!

I did the mistake i've talked about here on the last post (to show you i'm human too as you all)… well, this also shows a proof about the loa! I thought i'd fail and i DID fail!

Because no matter how many methods you do, how many hours you spent living in the 4D if when you come back to the 3D you can't keep that fulfilled state! The answer is in the 4D, not the 3D!! This is the proof! That's why i've said y'all need to work on your state of mind, it really matters!

My back and forth between the state of missing and the state of accomplishment brought me where i am right now… frustrated that i didn't get to watch the race there in the circuit, ashamed of telling people i actually didn't go, angry at myself for not keeping my word and following my own advice and worst of all… even more ashamed and mad cuz my mom will be throwing this on my face for a long time!

I'm bringing this cuz i know there are a lot of people like me, frustrated with their failed assumptions and asking themselves what they did wrong… i can't tell cuz i dunno you or your life or your methods but maybe you can be facing the same issue as me! We think we're doing everything fine just because we're using one million methods but in the end methods don't manifest, you do! All the million methods just to still be in the state of wishing!

And yeah i can revise what happened but also i wanted to bring this out cuz as i said i'm not the only one facing this type of issues and i believe this might be an issue a lot of you guys face!

My message today is: work on your state. Focus on it when manifesting something, make sure you keep yourself in it! Focus on your state, focus on the 4D, don't look for proof in the mirror/3D!

Don't make backups, you don't need backups!

(sorry if i couldn't explain well or if there is any spelling mistake! i'm writing this at 2am and awake by energy drink)

[cevansbrat0007]

Real Talk.

Warning: the following post contains mature themes and references to drug overdose, death, and Fentanyl.

For the record, what I'm about to say in regards to NARCAN has nothing to do with me standing on a soapbox. Instead, I'm asking that people do what they can to educate themselves on the importance and necessity of this life-saving drug.

And I'll start by telling you a story:

This morning, I went to check on my roommate who lives on the floor above me. She had asked me to make sure she didn't sleep through her many alarms like she always did so that she could make it to work on time. She's a server at a steakhouse chain - and a damn good one at that.

She's also my friend. A friend who, just like myself, is nearly nine months sober.

Except this morning when I knocked on her door, she didn't answer. And when I opened the door and peeked in her room she appeared to be fast asleep. But she was half naked, and the fan she had borrowed from me the night before was set to full blast. Even though it was cold outside.

Her room was like an ice box. And she was so pale. And no matter how loud I said her name, she wouldn't open her eyes and look at me.

She wouldn't wake up.

So I poked her in the shoulder. I shook her. I yelled her name. And then I realized her lips were blue. Her body was stiff. And she was cold to the touch.

The only sound she could make was that of a low, almost eerie groan. If I'm being honest, it's a sound that I'd never quite heard before. And I don't want to ever hear it again.

What I would come to realize seconds later was that my friend had overdosed on Fentanyl. Possibly a few hours earlier. Which meant she was fucking dying.

I panicked, of course. Because I'm an alcoholic. I've never touched Heroin, let alone witnessed an overdose. I know what to do if someone was suffering from, say, alcohol poisoning...but this...this was brand new territory.

Because with Fentanyl, seconds fucking matter.

I sprinted to wake up another girl. Seconds later we were back with our friend where our worst fear was absolutely confirmed.

Fentanyl Overdose.

I'd never fucking seen this. Never. But we didn't have time to fall apart because from there we dashed down the stairs. She went straight for the NARCAN and I went for my phone to call 911.

Less than a minute later, she and I were back in our friend's room to administer the NARCAN, only for us to realize that she wasn't breathing anymore.

By this point, another one of my housemates had joined us as well. And the others were soon to follow. While I was on the phone relaying instructions from the dispatcher on how to revive our friend, the others were moving her limp body to the floor.

They were doing chest compressions. Two were racing to find more NARCAN stashed in someone's glove compartment. And then another was directing EMS on where to go in the house.

It was a team effort to make sure this girl fucking lived. We could yell at her for this tomorrow. But for now, all we cared about was her living today.

I had never been through this. But as much as I hate to say this, today I was grateful that there were others in the house who had been through this before. For those who knew how to administer NARCAN.

In total, we administered something like 28 milligrams to bring her back. Which is a lot. A cop may have mumbled out something about us not waiting long enough in between doses to see if we'd given her enough before administering another. But he can go kick rocks.

Because we did the best we could all while running on straight adrenaline and doing everything we could to save someone while not falling apart in the process.

In the end, what matters is that she woke up. She was in pain. And very ill. And has since been admitted to the hospital.

Now the rest of us are left to deal with the tears and the adrenaline comedown, along with the guilt of all the signs we may or may not have missed. And that is really fucking shitty. I am so mad at my friend.

But at the same time, I love her so damn much. And I'm grateful that I will hopefully have the opportunity to share all these feelings with her one day soon.

She was fucking lucky. And so were we.

I'm grateful we found her in-time - because the paramedics made it very clear that we cut it real close. I'm grateful I live with people who found it in them to unite to save someone's life.

I'm grateful for NARCAN.

And beyond that, I'm grateful that I now know what to do with it. I never completely comprehended the weight of its importance until today. I didn't quite understand why my friend kept a stash of it in her glove compartment when she had no intentions of getting high anymore.

But today that stash saved her life. I'm begging you, if you have a loved one who suffers from this disease, please consider keeping this life-saving drug within reach.

Read up about it. Talk about it. Even if it makes you uncomfortable. Even if you can't fathom why someone would think of or want to use. Even if the idea of having to use it scares you.

I'm sure if it ever came down to it, you would rather have it and not need it than need it and not have it. Wouldn't you?

I've come to learn that many people who relapse, even after months of serious sobriety, don't plan it. It just happens. Impulsivity is a deadly part of this disease. One lapse in judgement - just one - could very well mean death.

It's really that serious.

Because with this disease, you're always guaranteed another relapse. But you're never guaranteed another recovery.

Thanks to NARCAN, my friend will have another shot.

That's all I've got for now, guys and gals. I'd be lying if I said we weren't all emotional wrecks over here. But it's all gonna be okay.

And finally, but most importantly: if you're struggling with anything, be it addiction or mental health, there is no shame in asking for help. Not now. Not ever. We're all human. We all need love.

We all deserve support to overcome our darkest of days.

Love, Britt

[liketwoswansinbalance]

A continuation of this post.

⸻

[One day, Rafal's students upload a video that doesn't conform with his usual content, and it causes his viewers to start turning out conspiracies. Rafal had left his phone unattended in a classroom one day, and Marialena got ahold of it. She is the ringleader in maintaining the online presence he doesn't know about, and she curates all of "his" content.]

[A shaking phone camera turns on and starts recording a red speck perched on a branch. The sound quality is poor and it sounds like Rafal is filming inside a wind turbine. The camera zooms in and focuses on a bird, and Rafal's voice is heard as the camera stabilizes.]

Rafal: Log, the second, overcast Tuesday, four hours in, stationed outside the mortuary, sighting #1 of the elusive scarlet tanager. She's a beaut, isn't she?

[Then comes the sound of heels clacking on pavement, and a second voice chimes in.]

Unknown speaker: Who's a "beaut" that isn't me? Why are you wearing that welding mask? And what are you doing behind that shrub, Rafal? You told me you were taking a stop at the mortuary, and said you'd drive us to Rhian's luncheon.

Rafal: [groans] Quiet. Just wait a little longer and I promise I'll get you a new set of earrings. I'm trying to get it on film!

Unknown speaker: That bird? I've been waiting four hours in your car, you know, thinking that all along you were checking the thermostat, so your new "acquisition" would be properly refrigerated, and now, I step out of the car to powder my nose only to find you out here! Doing God knows what in that contraption!

Rafal: I didn't want to get a sunburn and this mask was the only thing available to cover up with. The electrician must've left it last time he came around to check the lighting in the vaults.

Unknown speaker: You should've listened to me when I told you to buy a sunhat from this season's catalogue, darling.

Rafal: Please just stop talking so loudly—we can discuss this after I get my recording.

[The bird flies offscreen in that instant.]

Rafal: Shoot. Look what you did.

Unknown speaker: Hmpth, well, your neck looks as red as the silly bird of yours.

Rafal: For the last time! It's not silly! If I'd gotten useable film without all your wittering on, I could've sold it to the natural history museum.

Unknown speaker: Goodness me, if you keep pursuing hobbies like these you might as well be a fossil yourself.

Rafal: It's gone. I've lost it.

Unknown speaker: Oh, boo-hoo. Can we leave now?

Rafal: No. There's a nest. It might return.

Unknown speaker: Rhian will be mad if we're late.

Rafal: The luncheon won't start 'til we're there. Rhian always waits for me.

Unknown speaker: Fine. Be like that. Marry your rare bird instead of me.

Rafal: I never said I wanted to marry it!

Unknown speaker: Well you're spending more time with it than at your own wedding shower!

Rafal: Wait. That's today?

Unknown speaker: Yes.

Rafal: ...so that's why you told me to wear a suit.

Unknown speaker: And you've mucked it up with-with dirt and worms, and, and—what is that? EEG gel?

Rafal: Liquified organs and vitreous fluids. An eyeball burst on me.

Unknown speaker: Oh, eww. We can't go one day without you soiling something, can we? At least it's not blood this time.

[There's a shuffling sound and the phone falls to the ground, screen going dark.]

Rafal: That's it. I quit.

Unknown speaker: Oh, no. Are you sure?

Rafal: Sure. Let's be fashionably late to the luncheon and give my brother a heart attack.

Unknown speaker: Finally. Remember, you're a host this time. Try to socialize with our guests.

[There's a scraping sound.]

Unknown speaker: And, you're not bringing that tripod on my watch. There won't be any birds indoors.

Rafal: What should I do with it then?

Unknown speaker: On second thought, you could use it to film the guests.

Rafal: Would it get me out of greeting duty?

Unknown speaker: Might as well do it myself—you look too slovenly to do it now.

Rafal: Deal.

Unknown speaker: Lovely. I'd kiss you if you weren't disgusting. Oh! Look at that—your phone's still filming.

Rafal: Hell. Is it—

[The recording clicks off.]

[ro994art]

Minireviews of the Bluey Minisodes

Hello everyone! Here's another one of those rare text posts from me.

As most of you may know, I'm a Bluey fan. And as all Bluey fans know, today a new batch of Bluey shorts premiered on Disney+, also known as Minisodes (or previously "Bonus Bits").

And while most fans had likely already watched these minisodes, given how they came out nearly a month before in Australia, I myself chose to wait until they were available on Disney+ to watch them, in order to save myself the hassle of looking for them online. Call me lazy if you want, but I often find it trickier than it sounds like. 😅 Especially considering how quickly those tend to get taken down.

But I digress. I was going to do this on Twitter originally, but I thought it'd be more fun and easier to express myself without a character limit here. So, since no one asked for my opinion, I'm going to give it anyways! xD

⚠️ Spoilers ahead, of course.

Here are my brief(-ish) thoughts on each of the new 7 shorts that were released.

🍔 Burger Dog

I have a soft spot for any Bluey short or episode that shows the characters dancing, particularly if they showcase new dancesteps that hadn't been shown before and that isn't flossing. I just find it really adorable and well-animated, so I enjoyed this one.

Maybe this is coming from the perspective of a non-parent, and if I ever have kids I'll have a totally different opinion, but I personally didn't find the song THAT annoying xD At least not for a first time listening to it. If it were the 15th time they'd had it on, I'd understand Bandit's position, but if it really was the first time he heard it, I would've at least let Bluey and Bingo finish the song if I were him. But again, that's just me, and it's not like what Bandit did was anything too terrible, nor am I mad at him for it. Just giving my opinion here. 😅

Oh, and the ending made me chuckle. Clever girl, Bingo. 😉😂

🤖 Bingo 3000

Not really much to say about this one, other than it was cute xD It reminded me a lot of "Daddy Robot", but with the roles reversed. Honestly, the final scene of Chili calling Bingo 3000 with her arriving super slowly because her legs are still stuck and Bandit's all "Don't get me started" was my favorite part. 😝 Overall, it was fine.

🚚 Muffin Unboxing

DEFINITELY my favorite out of this batch xD Muffin may not be my favorite character, but she is definitely the most entertaining one, and I always love seeing her show up because you just KNOW some hilarious chaos is about to ensue. 🤣

What can I say? This minisode was classic Muffin from beginning to end. Her having a toy review channel just makes too much sense and I never knew I needed it until now xD Something else I loved about this one was seeing Stripe's poor video editing skills once again, with him leaving in parts of the recording that were definitely meant to remain on the cutting floor. 😂 Very "Bumpy and the Wise Old Wolfhound," which is amongst my favorite episodes, so you know I loved seeing it.

And of course, I can't stop mentioning and appreciating Socks, my favorite, getting a cute little cameo at the end, and getting at least one line! AAAH! She's always so cute, I love Rock-Socks, you do you babygirl :'3 (And the ending was hilarious of course xD Again, classic Muffin)

I want to petition Ludo Studio to make a "Muffin's Toys" shorts series where we see Muffin parodying various types of YouTube Kids videos. Like, imagine Muffin doing challenges or a DIY? I feel like we need that. At least I do. 😜

📄 Letter

I liked this one quite a lot as well. Always love seeing tidbits of the parents' childhoods. And even though this wasn't on the same levels as "Fairytale" or "Dragon" when it comes to flashbacks or revelations, it was still pretty sweet to watch.

Little Bandit's spellings made me chuckle xD I also weirdly like how it was revealed that he used to have a bird, mostly because it reminded me of a few pet birds my grandma had when I was little. I got a bit worried that Chris was going to get sad or offended about Bandit's comment on her cooking, but glad she took it with humor. 😜

I know Bandit never really liked his artstyle, but honestly, I find it kind of charming and cute. And pretty good for a five-year-old. 😉

🍴 Hungry

Another one that was just okay for me, personally. I mean, Bandit playing like this with the girls and making them laugh is always adorable to watch. And the dad jokes were strong with this one. A lot of people are probably not going to like the gross humor, but eh, it honestly doesn't bother me.

So yeah, this was classic Bandit. I think that's all I have to say. 😅

🐷 Three Pigs

Since "Cinderella" was one of my favorites of the original batch of Bonus Bits, I had high hopes for this one. And well, I won't say that I was disappointed, because I wasn't really. I just didn't enjoy it as much as "Cinderella", mostly because this one felt a LOT more fast-paced, and I was having a hard time keeping up with Bandit's story at one point. Mmmh, is the duration of this shorter than "Cinderella"? I'll have to check it out, but I don't think it is, which makes the fact that it felt so much more fast-paced kind of interesting. 😅 Maybe he just spoke more, I guess.

It was still pretty fun. Bandit naming two pigs after the girls was cute, and sending the other one away to make things easier for himself was really funny. 😝 I wish I had his improv skills, not gonna lie. 😅 As a little side-note, I'm a bit surprised Disney didn't change or omit the "It's against my religion" line.

But yeah. Didn't like it as much as I would've liked, but still a good time.

🍃 Animals

I think this might be my second favorite out of these new shorts. Keep in mind that I was raised by a single mother, so as much as I love Bandit, I'm always going to have a soft spot for episodes that focus on Chilli hanging out with the girls in some way. 🥹

I don't know, I just found the game really cute for some reason. 🧡 It's so simple, and pretty much just an excuse to tickle Bingo in different ways, but I like how creative they got for each animal's walk. And from a character design standpoint, it made a lot of sense to make Bingo's back a "field". Like, for some reason, that made me chuckle, I don't know xD These dogs are so cubical, it felt logical, LOL.

Chilli's games have always been lot more, well, chill than Bandit's xD But I've always been a calm kid, and once again, they remind me of things my own mom and I used to play, so they resonate with me. Despite the surprising ending, this minisode was just very sweet. 😊

Final thoughts:

Even though there wasn't really anything that extraordinary about these minisodes, one must keep in mind that they're not really meant to be compared to the regular Bluey episodes, which themselves have set a pretty high standard. These are just bite-sized, mostly slice-of-life little adventures to keep us interested in these characters in-between seasons. I've always been a lover of simple slice-of-life stories when characters I love are involved, and I love these characters a great deal, so I'll always like seeing them in any capacity, especially in official productions.

I do wish we could get a few shorts of other secondary characters such as Bluey's school friends, Bingo's school friends, the neighbors, or even Rad and Frisky. But I do think more of these are coming, especially considering that some of the stills that have been released as promos (such as Chilli measuring the girls or them arriving at Nana's house and Grandpa Bob being there) didn't appear in any of these. So I have no doubt we'll be getting more minisode batches soon, and hopefully, other characters will make appearances similarly to how they did in the first Bonus Bits.

Any Bluey content is always a win for me, so I'm happy we got these. 💙

[soahbee]

I Update one I

Hiii girls!! I'm here with a little update! Let me start by saying that I feel like I'm in a romance / drama novel or something that I'm going to have a difficult time getting out of if this continues. lol

We agreed that we would meet at the center bc he had business there and it didn't really matter to me bc anyway I almost had a heart attack twice while sitting on the bus. :):) I tried to dress nicely, although to be honest my ass almost froze in a skirt, because it was extremely cold today, but you have to do everything to be memorable, u know hihi…

I wrote to him that I was about to be there, and then he sent me the address of which cafe he was waiting in front of, which was actually a few steps away from the center. and oh my goodness girls…when I saw him uhh he was wearing an elegant gray jacket and he was smoking. I couldn't believe that this particular person was waiting for me. Anyway, I rushed over to him quickly, clutching my little gift in my hand, and when he looked at me, I waved at him, and he smiled at me and put out his cigarette. I honestly didn't know how to say hello, bc now we met outside of school and I was very embarrassed. >< But thank God I didn't put myself in an awkward position bc he immediately asked how my journey was and I said that the bus wasn't far, so it was quite good, then I asked what this place was, while I looked into the cute little cafe, which I hadn't been to before.

He said that this is one of his favorite cafes in the center, it's small but not crowded and the cakes are very delicious. So we went in and the whole place was really so cozy, I could still feel the Christmas spirit. The seats were in such a separated u-shape / or in a semi-circular shape (I hope you understand) with a round table, so when I sat down I actually realized that R was quite close to me, bc we were not sitting opposite each other. (adjsweferg)

I tried to hide the fact that I was embarrassed in front of him and immediately started looking at the menu, while he started to tell me so cutely that he was very tired these few days, bc he also had to correct the exam assignments while he was with his family. I also told him that it's not easy to be a teacher, and then I conspicuously shut my mouth. I saw him wear black turtleneck top and OMG his muscles looked really good in him and I think he noticed that I looked at him bc he just grinned at me and asked what was wrong and I just laughed and said that it was nothing. But AHH GIRLS it really looked like I was staring him flirty … my face must have been as red as a tomato LOL kill me

I quickly asked what he would recommend and while we chose cakes and coffee we started talking. He asked me how my Christmas was and while I was telling the story, I noticed several times that he was paying so much attention to me… sometimes I didn't even know what I was saying, bc he was simply mesmerizing me with his eyes. Meanwhile, he was relaxed all the time, as if it was such a natural thing that we meet and you know… this is not fair bc ah I WAS DYING LOL HOW WAS U SO CALM??

Then we got our order, I asked for caramel coffee + apple pie and he asked for plain black coffee + cheese cake. Everything was very delicious and I told him this pie was also very delicious and then I asked how his cheesecake was and he replied: "Its good, would you like to taste it?" (EXCUSEMEEEEE) and me was like a little girl who dont know what to do but i said

"may I taste it?

then he gave me a small piece of it and it was really good, but I don't know what was better, the cake or the fact that it was his cake..😳

and don't get mad girls, but I have to stop updating here, bc honestly a lot happened today, I'm really exhausted and I'm about to fall asleep.😭😭 But I thought I'd give you a quick update and I promise I'll continue tomorrow in another post!!! <3333

[officeobject]

I know it's a bad thing, but I tried to get into my addiction, just to fall asleep, and it didn't work, because it doesn't always work, and is a bad thing regardless, and then in the middle of everything, I got some painful reminder (okay, basically, some person who ALLEGEDLY forgets to text people even though I'M typically the one having to text who I've therefore had the last text being sent, weeks ago, and who still posts online and stuff - like, basically, such a person, tagged me and some others, in some Picrew/tagging game or whatever, and yeah, I wanna "give him a piece of my mind", and yeah I think that's unfair - me thinking I got tagged because of an actual reason, only for him to even THINK about me, weeks later, due to some tagging game that he EVEN TAGGED OTHERS IN ON TOP OF THAT), but like, am I REALLY, in a good enough state to handle it? Like, even just copy-pasting the warning that one shouldn't interact with me too much until January 6 due to me not having the usual person I cling to? Like, sure, I was doing fine - good, actually - plenty of stuff in life, just like I wanted - but I still had some looming feeling (probably just because everyone is acting different due to Christmas, and my autistic brain can't handle change), and I don't HAVE that person, to fall back on, and THAT, already made me feel like crap, and I guess I've kinda made an association, because I fell back, soon before and after, and I DID wanna sleep because Christmas, but ended up failing so much, and normally I'd just get addicted - like, feeling like crap about myself? Addiction! Not wanting to deal with big bad emotions? Addiction! Sleeping issues? Addiction! But the addiction made it worse, so do remember that, if you're a fellow addict. I shouldn't blame myself too much. Oh and also, teens/young adults hurt me so much and so often, and, for example, in THAT way or SIMILAR ways, they ALSO hurt me - but can I REALLY, even tell him ANYTHING? Privately or in a reblog? Get mad, or just dismiss? Scream, or copy-paste my intro's warning? Begin talking again like I used to, or passive-aggressively ask him what's with him?

Well, I'm deciding to not fall back into my addiction AGAIN ... HOPEFULLY ... well yeah, actually, I'm not gonna start again (it's such a hassle anyway)! I might listen to a song, or vent to Ethan or something, but otherwise, I'll go sleep (as I genuinely should), and I'm making this post to vent, and to let y'all know, though Lord knows if y'all read my NORMAL posts - because, like, I ASSUME I'm alone otherwise, but technically, I only KNOW I'm not alone, proof-wise, via the polls.

Anyways, I don't know what exactly it should be ABOUT, but I can finish this off (oh and also Deco My Tree is soon done or something - like, leave a message while you can), sooooo:

For the last poll (which I forgot to say I chose "other/multiple" at), I chose "other/multiple", and for this one, that too, but my addiction is one commenced in private, so yes, it involves a fake persona and stuff (in case you didn't already know).

Just fyi, you COULD, just look at (most of) these polls, and remind yourself that you ain't alone or something - not even about wanting to recover or wanting ME to recover, or wanting YOURSELF to recover - anyways, I'm thinking I'll just not reply to him anyway - I can't, can I? And it'd be self-care not to - and come on, I know what happened the LAST times - and like, it's really TOUGH, not to, but like, what state am I in?!

By the way, today I was busy playing the Sims 4 that I just installed, getting tired, reading a book, and whatever else. Also, I'm thinking the "posic culture is" thing, could also be a "furry culture is" thing, and NO I don't know which Xanderverse characters I'm gonna choose for it, and yeah there's no "furry culture is" blog, and I'm not sure if the person who chose "I'll make it" in regards to the POSIC blog, meant they're gonna make it, or that feck it I should, because holy shit I for some reason am NOT good at phrasing things at these polls, sometimes - like, it alternated between who "I" am, from even the TITLE! Well anyways, yeah, that's all!

[lover-of-mine]

Your last post is funny bc just TODAY I watched that season finally. I’m literally 2 episodes into season 5 right now. As someone who just watched that for the first time (and hadn’t noticed it WAS the season finally when I started watching it) I was losing my goddamn MIND watching those episodes. Just constantly 😯😯😯. I began watching 911 when I started seeing posts circulating about Buck being bi. At the time I had no idea who he was other than the occasional gif set but it made me intrigued and I have been HOOKED. Literally trying to get through as many episodes as possible so I can watch the episodes live. Questions for you (since I have no one else to talk to about the show); when did you start watching? Have you had any predictions while watching the show that didn’t/ did come true? Like for me when I watched season 1 and Abby went to the fire department for the first time I SWORE up and down that her and Bobby were meant to be endgame (was clearly wrong lol). But also after Chris got stuck in the Tsunami I called it that something would happy to Harry later on (just a feeling that no one was safe lol, not even the kids). I’m just so curious to see what the fandom theories have been over time lol since I missed out on it!

Yeah, no, watching suspicion/survivors for the first time is WILD. Like, imma be honest and bit oversharing, I watched the show for the first time in a depressive episode, so I watched everything up to 5x10 in like, 6 days according to the posts I made on Tumblr about it, so I didn't realize theorize about anything, I was just hitting next episode like my life depended on it. But I didn't know anything about the show, like, at all, I had just watched 911 lone star in a weekend because it was on the tv and there were only like, 20 episodes of it out it at the time and a network in my country was just showing all of them on a loop, and I opened the Disney app fully intending to rewatch grey's anatomy, and 911 was the first show on my recommended to you list, and I had liked lone star enough, and was like sure why not. And I legit couldn't stop watching. All of this happened the week before 5x11 aired on the us, so 5x11 was the first episode I watched like "live" (the first episode I actually watched live was 5x16) but I watched it in the same week, I think I finished on a Tuesday? And the episode aired on Monday. I can't really give you any theories I have witnessed so far because they would be spoilers tho, but if you wanna come back once you catch up we can talk about some of the madness that goes around here. But I had the same thing happen to me, I didn't realize it was the season finale, and I didn't know anything about the show, so I had no idea what was happening, and I thought I had learned my lesson with the tsunami arc, because I watched 3x01 at like 3 am fully saying this is the last episode I will watch and then I'm gonna go to bed, and then the tsunami hit, and I was like well fuck and then Chris fell in the water and next thing I know is 5 am and Eddie is making me cry at the end there. But I saw the 13 and didn't realize the season only had 14 episodes and then everything kept happening. I seriously cannot imagine what it was like to be forced to wait a week between those 2 episodes it was SO CRAZY. When Eddie got shot I legit froze. Watching that for the first time not knowing it's coming is SOMETHING. I do remember thinking that they were gonna kill Shannon but I didn't expect to be right, I also remember clocking that Jason was Doug pretty fast. Something funny tho, I remember posting that meme that's like "I've had blank for 1 day and a half but if anything happened to him I'd kill everyone in this room and myself" with Buck and I waited until I had been watching for a day and a half, that means I posted it while watching the season 2 finale. I hit post and the truck blew up and I legit went like ????????? and that is still the most ironic thing that ever happened to me while posting about 911 kspskspkspakapkapa (here's the post, I actually came back to edit the tags because I was in shock lol) and I laugh every time I remember that lol but I'm glad you're enjoying the show, you can come back to talk to me about it any time!;

[leggyre]

hi all! sorry, this is going to be a bit of a sad post.

I just want to share that Nano passed away today. He was a very old bun at 9 years old and we just couldn't keep it up with his increasingly difficult health issues.

As of right now, I'm not asking for consolation or any words of comfort. It's the first time I'm dealing with a loss of this scale, of something I've loved so dearly for so long, that I'll never get back.

I'm still coming to terms about how I feel about it. There were so many times I felt like meeting him was fate. And to be honest, I still do. I set out to adopt a classic white bunny(because honestly that's the only color I had ever seen in the place before) but between all the sleepy or hungry babies there was a little black mischievous boy hoping around and approaching people who gave my finger little kisses and I just couldn't leave him there. We didn't have any boxes or cages to carry him in so he got to pee on my lap on the way home lol

The first time he licked me after that day, something I thought would take ages to happen after lengthy Bunny Research(tm) telling me so, was maybe within a few days or a week, but what made the moment as special as it was for me was the fact I was sitting on the ground, having a breakdown, crying my eyes out. I have a really hard time using the word love to others because I'm never sure of my feelings and I don't want to say it without meaning, but from then on I had never been so sure about how much I loved him.

I have a lot of other stories like that. He helped me learn a lot about myself. He gave me company at my worst. I missed him so much when I had to stop allowing him on the bed to take a nap with me because one day he just decided peeing there was okay. I laid down on the floor on the most uncomfortable positions for the longest time because he had fallen asleep in my arms. I did that this morning, after I was told he might not make it when we went to see the vet today. It didn't even feel like anything was wrong, really. I kinda thought maybe we shouldn't go and I could keep doing that tomorrow. And the day after. And the next. But every time he woke up and shuffled around it was so easy for me to tell he was uncomfortable, trying to find a way to lay down in a way that would ease the pain. He didn't look any different to most people, but I memorized every single kind of motion he ever did.

And it's funny to think that he knew me the same way. He knew exactly what me shutting off the computer sounded like and that it was the perfect time to beg for snacks and attention. He knew when I was hiding something for him. He knew exactly where I walked so he could leave the god damned piss traps in the way when he was mad at me. He knew that if he kept poking his nose out the fence long enough I'd come back eventually to pet him more even if I had already walked all the way to my bed and laid down. And he knew that he could come to me for comfort whenever he felt scared or in pain. He trusted me so much and that meant the world to me.

Just to add one weird, maybe funny thing that's gonna keep me pondering forever; one day, years ago, I wished that I could be the one to take any pain he'd ever feel. Since then, I kind of took note that we'd have our sickest days together, and often in similar ways. It's most likely confirmation bias, but I do like to think I did manage to take some of his pain from him.

Well. My plan was just to share the news and go on with my day. Think about stuff. Couldn't keep from writing this much, though, so I just decided to let it all out anyway.

Again, I don't want any comfort. I will always love him, the things he taught me, and the memories I'm blessed with. I will be okay.

I want the thought of him to keep bringing joy into my life, because that's the thing he's always been the best at. The second best was destroying specifically videogame related cables.

heres some shenanigans to brighten up the mood :]

and here's a cute pic from years ago as well 🐇💞

[princessstarryahri]

Grieving the Living

Today I went no contact with my own mother. I don't know if Tumblr is the right place to post this but I just need to get it off my chest. To make it clear, I LOVE my mother. No matter how much she's hurt me, in spite of the trauma she caused me, even when she put everyone else before me, I still love her.

She had me too young and maybe she never should've had a child. I'm her only one, but I'm a girl and she's always wanted a boy (she told me that). From birth I was different and maybe a handful. I've always been a crier and in my family that's a weakness. I was always told I'm too sensitive and I needed to be stronger. I needed to be better... I tried, I really did, just so they'd love me. But I never could meet their expectations, only fall short. My lofty dreams were degraded and crushed so I'd keep my feet firmly planted on the ground... She was just trying to protect me right? Her philosophy was that the world is cruel so you have to be prepared for that, there's no safe place out there so there's no safe haven at home.

I never felt safe, or comforted, or loved. But she loved me, all mothers love their kids right? I just don't think she ever truly liked me. She always pointed out my faults and failures. She would mention some achievements but those were far and few between. I always felt like a failure. Of course I became a people pleaser and searched for escape. I fell into the wrong crowd and did some drugs, drank, partied, and that led to me being raped. I was 15 or 16 when it happened the first time. I was a virgin then... She had an opportunity to protect me, to stop it from happening but because she was mad at me, she just yelled at me. The guy had given me some drug that did something to me, I don't know what it was but I was terrified. He kept calling and texting until I did what he wanted. I needed her to help me but she just yelled and sent me to my room...

When I finally told her what happened she called me a liar. So I dealt with it alone. I was hurt, scared, and confused. So I sunk more into drugs and alcohol to numb the heavy emotional burden. The second time it happened I was with someone I thought I could trust. I was an adult then...

I learned not trust anyone and put my walls up. She wasn't there to help pick me up, or comfort me. I hid it from her. I hid everything from her. She always told me I could go to her but when I tried I only walked away with more emotional turmoil and lower view of myself. I contemplated suicide many times and even tried to take my life three times, just to escape her. Each attempt failed and I pushed forward.

My last relationship was a domestic violence situation that I became stuck in for three years... I couldn't tell her for fear of being further put down. He took what little of me there was and I couldn't face her, even though I needed her so much. Eventually by some miracle she helped me that once and I will always be grateful for that. But once I was in the healing stage and back in therapy, I realized a lot of my childhood was not normal. I pulled away again but whenever she needed to talk and vent I was there. Like always I tried to help since she is not emotionally intelligent. She's a person who thinks emotions are weak, so now that she can't run from them anymore she suffers. I wanted to help because I was always in tune with mine and I see it's not a weakness but a strength. But in her eyes I am a terrible daughter because I should have been calling regularly. I should be the one making the most effort and doing what she expects.

Because I suffered from mental illness as a child, I should be making up for it because I was a bad child. It's my fault our relationship is strained, because I was a bad child. It was my fault I was raped because I was a bad child who didn't listen and heed her warnings. It's all my fault because I was a worthless child.

Now, I know this is the best thing because she hurts me so much but still I'm crying because this breaks my heart. I love my mother but she will never love me the way I need to be loved. I have to leave her behind and live my life, move forward. I am Free at last but I grieve for the living. It does feel like she died. Everything will be alright, however tonight I just want to cry and sob and hurt.

Sorry for the personal post, I know that's not why you come to my blog. Regularly scheduled Eren posting will resume tomorrow.

Pictures of my comfort characters just because I need them right now.

[norellenilia]

Damn, I remember the first time I watched FMA 03, when I was 16 or 17, I stayed up until 1 am to finish it, and today, watching episodes 38 through 42 turned me into such an emotional mess that I have to take a break lmao what happened??? My own emotional traumas, that's what happened

I'm feeling so many things again

In episode 38, when Ed and Al are fighting, Al drenches Ed in water and he says "it's going to rain!!!" and I'm like haha no don't try to pull a Mustang on me I know this episode won't make me cry and GUESS WHAT the flashback with Trisha convincing Ed to go and find Al so they can talk things out and Al looking so happy that Ed isn't upset with him anymore it's so cute I CRIED

I need -- no, I DEMAND a spin-off series where Winry and Scziezka solve murder mysteries together (I'd love to write it myself but I know I'm not nearly good enough at coming up with mystery stories lol), they're adorable I'm so happy they totally get together post CoS

Martel's death hits SO MUCH HARDER than I remembered holy shit, she and Al actually got close, we see more of her, her death is so horrific and hearing sweet sweet baby boy Alphonse cry just BROKE MY HEART I never wanted to hug an armor so badly

Scar's brother's last moments, the way he looks so terrified and desperate to protect his little brother from Kimblee and Scar being so devastated when he dies I just-- *clenches fist*

Sloth using Ed's PTSD against him that's so UNFAIR; also I was thinking that I was a bit disappointed that this anime did not include the nightmare that Ed has at some point in the manga where he sees his mom saying "why didn't you make me right" etc but this is it, this is this scene, and it's worse because he's hearing it for real, he is very much awake, he has the real voice of his mom in his ears and she's saying this to him and I'm-- *clenches fist harder*

Rose's story, I'm still so mad, she deserves all the happiness in the world

Speaking of Rose, it's so funny how the moment Al is like "I wonder how Rose is doing" the show just full on goes "Ed/Rose shipper" mode lmao, with Ed blushing while pretending not to remember her, him being so awkward when he speaks to her just before they go on their separate ways and her son just smiling and giggling when he speaks (first time we see the baby laugh, he had only been crying up until then) :') To be honest it feels a bit out of the blue to me but idk

Dante sporting Lyra's white ass in the town of brown people and speaking as if she was part of them just because she's following Rose around to manipulate her is incredibly cringe, but then again, it's Dante, she's the villain and we're already supposed to know something is up with "Lyra". But still.

Very random but Al pulling objects from or putting objects inside his armor from behind the cloth always looks very awkward lol

I used to never really care about Scar but I have learned the errors of my way as I now realize he is actually one of the best characters in this goddamn series, even with the orb of knowledge and the three arm losses, and Mangahood!Scar being much more villainized and ending up working with the military will never come even CLOSE to 03!Scar using his last bit of strength to save Alphonse to honor his love for his lost brother and take his ultimate revenge on those who murdered his people in the goal of protecting oppressed people, all of this while an epic music is playing (honestly it even feels like Ed is made to be seen as an obstacle as he tries to prevent the soldiers from entering Liore lol)

Sorry but Wrath is annoying as hell, I know that I'll probably have a different opinion if I rewatch CoS after that, but for now I hate him

We're finally entering the "Rewrite" era of the show and I had forgotten how much it rocks (Ed's hair animation at the beginning fhjkfhkdhjk)

I only have 9 episodes left but between Lust and Sloth in the upcoming episodes I'm not even sure I'll be able to watch it all in one go lol. Still excited to see more of Winry and Scziezka and remembering how much Hohenheim is absolutely useless in this x)

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

I think I realized what an impossible task I have at my job to accomplish, and how the teachers view the library staff as a parasite.

Some of it is my fault.

But in retrospect, it's as if I sneezed loudly at a wrong moment, and now the Staff there treat me like a batman tier war criminal, and it's entirely unfair.

Example and dumb rambles of Teacher staff drama under the cut cus I'm fed up and just making this Tumblr post to vent if anything.

Today, there was a buffet potluck for Teacher staff. So I asked if I could have some. They said yes. But once I had food, they were upset I was eating "teacher staff" food and it wasn't for Library Staff.

They even sent the Elementary Guidance Councilor to tell me this. And they spoke in the same voice that they use for five year olds having a disagreement.

But this wasn't a disagreement, more of a misunderstanding.

I mean, did they think I'd eat the whole potluck? Did they want me to contribute?

I gladly would have. Heck, I could have given the parent teacher association money if that's what this was about.

I know why they treat me this way. It's because I took a few small foods from the PTO breakroom in the past without paying for them. Planning to pay back once I got my paycheck. (I'm not the only one to do this. The few teachers who I am friendly with do this all the time and assured me it was fine.)

This was over five months ago and I have since payed back the money, apologized for my mistake and misunderstanding, and have been trying to move on. As my job revolves around having good working relationship with the staff there.

So I will admit fault for my slip ups of work related hunger and poverty.

I can take responsibility for my actions, and I have sense been trying to build my relationships up since.

What I didn't appreciate was that they told me I was allowed to potluck functions, something I double checked and asked about, and made sure it was absolutely okay for me to have this food, which they said alright, then got mad when I took a small amount of food, locked me out of the breakroom, despite me having a key, and treated me like a war criminal or a Snorlax that'll eat the whole damn potluck.

Not to mention, my boss also wants me to "come up with something" to organize the library in a new way.

When they admitted personally that they don't know what they want.

So I don't know what to research.

But since I'm on probation on yet another job, I will get fired if I don't find or come up with something they want by the end of the month.

The task is impossible.

Partially self inflicted. I know I did some of this myself. But I don't think it's all self inflicted. I think it's also part of the Teacher Staff being very catty and clichey and just treating the library staff like unwanted parasites or outsiders.

And I don't think I deserve a lot of the isolation that they put me though. (I either have a choice of eating in the hallway where the library is located or a broom closet these days. And yes, the superintendent was the one who made this "compromise" so their food doesn't get "stolen" Granted, the custodians can't use the breakroom now either.... But the substitutes can.)

Either I'll quit or be fired by the end of the year.

I think I'm too autistic to have a job where building relationships and have everyone like you be part of my job description.

I feel I'm too autistic for a job anymore in general.

Anyway, long story short:

Me: oh cool. Nice food. Can I have some?

Them: sure.

Me: (eating) them: no, no. Bad girl. That's teacher food.