#I'VE REALIZED IT WAS ALL TERRIBLE STUFF. SAID I REALIZED IT ON MY NEW ACCOUNT AND SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO ASSOCIATE WITH IT

[scoliosisgoblin]

just got someone asking to collaborate on a Rick x reader on wattpad. I thought it seemed pretty cute (wasn't gonna say yes though), quickly checked their account and it's all pedo and incest shit between Rick and the reader. wtf.

[egg-emperor]

I don't want to vent much here anymore aside from health update stuff but this ends on a positive note and might help some people so I'm dropping it on main

I've been noticing that a lot of people are very anti recovery in multiple ways and that anon seals it. like the people who have a problem with you and call you out for every little thing they can to have a reason to hate you never actually want you to improve and change for the better

they never want you to recover. they never want you to become a better person. they never want you to heal from harassment and pain they put you through. they don't even give you the chance to change and get better if they really do think you did something wrong

and they're like that when it comes to health as well as behavior, wishing people they hate won't recover from their health issues and deserve it just because they don't like them. as if good health and life is only deserved by those they like personally

their idea of "holding you accountable" for things they think is wrong is by turning everyone against you to try to leave you alone in shame and self loathing, or try to push you to suicide. they don't tell you what you did wrong or suggest how to improve other than backhanded condescending "you're horrible I hate you get therapy and touch grass" comments

because they don't want you to improve. all they want is a reason to hate you and get rid of you one way or other, so you're alone feeling terrible mentally and/or physically because it satisfies them and they get to keep hating and disguise it as morally correct and have everyone else hate you too

those people are not worth your time and stress. they don't want what's best for you. being hurt alone and isolated after people turn against you and try to hurt you, and fearing that continuing to post and trying to get to know more people will end up getting you hurt again, or that nobody will like you is no way to live. get out there do it anyway

and don't ever let them think you don't deserve to heal physically either. they pushed me to hurt myself and spiral into many self destructive behaviors where I was sabotaging myself and I kept letting my physical health get worse while feeling like I didn't deserve the help. I came to regret it and realized I deserved better. and so do you! call your doctor

I say this wholeheartedly instead of the condescending backhanded ways those people said to me while actually just contributing to the problem knowingly. you're not manipulative or selfish for acknowledging that you're hurting and expressing your pain and you deserve to get the help you need. I wish someone had said this to me instead of accusing me of just that

realizing this and thinking this way has helped me a lot. it wasn't thanks to them that I realized my mental health was getting worse and resulting in bad behavior when I was unstable last year and that I needed to make some changes, I noticed that on my own. all they did is push me to the breaking point. and I'm convinced that the stress contributed to my chronic pain worsening and my faints increasing lately too.

they act like they're trying to help when they tell you to get therapy and touch grass but then treat you like a criminal and tell people not to interact with you like you're dangerous. or they don't even try to disguise it as help like that anon and are honest about their intentions

but it was me who realized that I needed help and decided to pick myself up and fight to get better. their cruelty and pushing and pushing me until my mental and physical health got worse did the opposite of that and made me feel like I didn't even deserve the help for a while

but I decided on my own that it was time to make a change and I've improved mentally over time with a new more positive mindset that I'm trying to stick to. but then my physical health got worse and I finally starting seeing a doctor to try to find out what's going on

I will get better. they don't want me to believe I can but I've been getting better mentally as challenging as it can be at times and I hope that has been showing in my behavior. I have anger issues and I get stressed easily but I've been working on controlling that and have been feeling calmer and more at peace

my biggest issue right now is my physical health but I feel that my mental troubles causing anger and stress have contributed to the chronic pain increase and faints from being overwhelmed by it all. so it emphasizes to me that I need to be kinder to myself and not let anger and stress consume me

and now it turns out my hate anons are anti recovery in the physical health sense too. but I'm not going to let that stop me, I deserve to get better no matter how much I'm hated and told to die. those cruel words mean nothing to me anymore with my new more positive mindset. I know their intentions and I know I deserve to get better

now the more people try to make me feel bad about myself and work to isolate me so I feel trapped in it, and the more they tell me I shouldn't recover health wise and should die, the more I want to fight to keep thriving and proving that I'm stronger than that and that they can't bring me down!

I hope I can inspire others do the same because it's really a terrible place to be when people make you believe your existence is the problem and your behavior and mental health can't improve, or that you don't deserve good health and that the only solution is to be isolated or to die, it's not true. you can and you do.

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

Well, I'm finally manic. I've been stuck in a depressive episode for seven months. I couldn't write at all. I was so apathetic. The only thing I could do was complain on my blog about my boyfriend. Well good news guys. Life is looking up in alot of ways and there are some downs. The ups. My relationship is amazing. I stopped splitting on my boyfriend. He really is the best thing to ever happen to me. Even my sister finally said she wants to meet him because she's seen how much I've changed and grown up. Besides that bout of splitting on my boyfriend. Yes that still happened but the way I handled it was way different than how I would have in the past. I don't degrade him, call him names, yell at him. I'm not mean to him just because I've split on him. I'm distant as hell. I don't say things I don't mean anymore because I've lost so many people by doing that. I wrote on here. An anonymous blog. Also my work is improving. I'm taking it seriously. Going in 4-5 days a week. Working an actual shift. In just a week and a half of consistency I've made more in a week than I ever did in a month. It's awesome! In my new place I have a little fridge in my room and for the first time it has food in it. Paid for with my own money. My boyfriend has been helping me with alot of stuff cuz I was struggling financially. But now I'm good again! If I keep doing what I'm doing ill be perfectly fine when it comes to financial struggling. I made a new friend. She's the one helping me with all this. This whole move and meeting her triggered my manic episode and it's great. I feel amazing. Things feel good. It's been 2 weeks and I haven't fully unpacked until today. I started my period and took the day off. So I finally made my room my little home. It looks fucking awesome. I feel comfy here now. It feels like my space. The roommates are really awesome. They are a lesbian Trans couple. Some people would be weird about it but so far they are the best roommates I've ever had. I like it better living with women. Every man I've lived with after leaving my mom's house was a nightmare. I've moved seven times in two years. Every single place was terrible. Not the place, the roommates. So I'm glad to have good roommates now. Okay so now the bad news. My mom might have uterine cancer. I had an episode in the car on the way home after being told that news. Everything just hit me at once when I realized there might be a timer on my mom's life. Something I've kept myself awake at night thinking about. I've heard the prognosis is good but when I freaked I didn't know that. My life with my mom flashed before my eyes. In my head every memory was coming out and playing at once but I can see all of them. Every good thing, bad thing. Then I thought of the fact that our relationship is messed up and so much time has been wasted not being in her life. Then regret that I wasted that time over stupid shit, but it wasn't stupid shit. They were legit reasons to be angry with her. The things she's done wrong were wrong but I forgave her but a tiny percent of me wishes she would take accountability. Only now I can't want that because why would you want to make a dying person, your mom, feel any worse than they already do knowing they are dying. So I have to let it go. Stop expecting that long talk and just let go and be in the moment. Yet it hurts that I no longer can expect it. It's a mess I know. I don't know what to think about it.

[fox-glove]

Back home and a curious misery has made its way over me. The quick succession of events that were menial in all the right ways has me stuck here. I'm unchanging. My parents moved out of the house I had lived in my whole life three months after I moved into my university. I can't even remember all the particular emotions that would've felt familiar to me in my old room, my old house. The unhappiness is new in the sterile walls I've only become familiar with in a few years.

All the drinking seems so logical, a healthy response to an unhealthy series of emotions. I used to use alcohol as a social tool. It would allow me to be able to have uninhibited conversations with people I liked or that I wanted to like me. While in Ireland for the past few months, not being around anyone I'd want to look smooth for changed the way I drank. I did it the same way I had done it during the summer, just to pass the time. My roommate would make vague comments of wasting my own money on alcohol if I was going to lie in bed drunk every night. I did get her to promise me to buy me alcohol once we got back to the U.S. I knew deep down this feeling would find me eventually, even years before I had drank at my high school grad party three days before the ceremony. Drinking is all wrong in my hands. It's chosen me improperly and I can't stop. There's so many things I want to change. It's so hard to hate your family because there's not many options after that. They aren't the type of people you can just run through.

I was thinking about the CSH song "Will You Please Pass The Milk Please." I couldn't remember the title of the song till my best friend who showed it to me reminded me of it. The song which is another example of a music-esque monologue with this sort of vignette into his relationship with his father We imagine people must act egregiously to be hated. You can harbor negative feelings after living with action after actions levied against you. I'm gonna go out and say that I don't think hate should always have such lofty criteria. I don't even live up to that in my own life but those are my principles. Can I never be angry at my father because I believe that he is intelligent, cares, and provides? Why must I let my negative thoughts about him also live in conflict with my head's conditions? It's like this self indulgent need to manufacture tension, when I can really just let go. The hate can live with everything else, even take precedent over affection. Any struggle's all me. I don't have to just love everything.

Yesterday after I had gotten into an argument with my dad and left the house, my mom asked me to buy chicken broth. The type of arguments we get into usually aren't too personal. I think personal conversation is something he's unwilling to engage in.. He won't ask meMy friend who was driving me around didn't need to go to the store and by the time I asked, they were all closed. When I came back home and told my mother I hadn't gotten it, she said to me, "Ava, it seems like the only person you think about is yourself." Being that ticked over chicken broth was a bit ridiculous, honestly. I thought about the vodka bottles in our pantry I had all filled with water in three months, the bottle of wine I stole from her and chugged until I realized it was only 9%, the dozens of bottles of vodka and wine deteriorating in an Irish landfill out there. I wish she could know, I could shove it in her face or something. Everything is just so meaningless that even a big dramatic occasion would't seek to satisfy what I'm looking for. I don't feel like I can really feel anything as much as I want to. I'd feel anything, even the really low terrible stuff. It's all water to me, neither here nor there in importance. Cold, stiff, and all the same.

If this seems weird or you know who I am, this is all really elaborate method acting and is not real and you may think the artwork of this account looks like mine but it really isn't I stole it from someone and this is not me. Look at my artwork if you don't know me, follow this account no matter what a maladjusted idiot I am! I'm fun! I like things! look at my music taste ooooh!!!! Also I always use #diary and that's causing people who are pro-ana showing up in my for you. the first thing my mother said to me when I got to see her after re-entering the country was I've lost a nice amount of weight. This comment has driven me insane so pro-anas be gone and get wrecked, ya know. I think I will hate myself for writing this but I do not care. I'll draw dogs for everyone, all you sick fucks who keep liking just two of my posts, love you all. Writing as a fun little pastime over my winter break to a 99.999999999999% anonymous group I think is just self indulgent enough to keep it fine. No one's reverse image searching my work anyway. Might Just start doing stuff just for Tumblr too.

[olderthannetfic]

Sorry for the borderline traumadumping but I've been so fed up recently seeing posts from people who are supposedly proship ...But don't support people who like RPS/RPF. I got harassed and suibated really terribly for years and across multiple accounts for posting my RPF works of a small Youtuber fandom. The people who harassed me still once in a while make posts mentioning me, saying how happy they are that they forced me to delete, and how proud they all are of chasing off someone so disgusting, and how they hope I've not only deleted my accounts, but also died. I haven't drawn or written anything substantial in the years since then because it feels like everything I make is horrible. Even if I do create something, I cant post it because I'm terrified someone will recognize my art or writing style. These people cyberstalked me and my friends, raided our Discord, pretended to be friendly with us to get screencaps for a completely false, out of context callout, and have ruined my ability to trust anyone online. I haven't talked to anyone new or made any new friends because I'm terrified its going to be one of them just trying to find my new accounts. I live in constant fear and paranoia of one of them randomly deciding to find me again. I have been hospitalized for suicidal ideation compounded by the trauma of their harassment. I can't see the names of the Youtubers involved without feeling physically ill, lightheaded, and nearing an anxiety attack. I don't understand how anyone could do this to another person and think they're still the good guys. I'm shaking as I type up this ask, recalling all the horrible things they said to me, but antis will never realize that they are the ones who are in the wrong, so proshippers need to step up and support each other. If you're proship but you are anti-RPF, this is what you are enabling, all over shipping stuff that the youtubers involved never even knew existed. To everyone on Tumblr, PLEASE support your fellow proshippers who like RPF, even if you think it's yucky and weird.

--

I don't understand how anyone could do this to another person and think they're still the good guys.

Because monsters are still regular humans, and villains all think they're the hero of the story.

--

Yes. Fans who dislike bullying and censorship need to take a firm stance on this. I don't care about the term 'proship'. It's full of idiots. What I care about is full and unreserved:

Don't like, don't read

Your kink is not my kink, and that's okay

Ship and let ship

[retphienix]

It's been 6 years :)

On March 30th, 2015 I decided I wanted a gaming side blog. (so we're early, but shush, it's the month for me)

I didn't know what I'd use it for exactly, but I had ideas- something I always have even if most of them only get as far as daydreamin' or writing out before closing them :P

For proof on the lack of direction the blog initially had- the March 30th date is the anniversary of my first post, an in-depth and lengthy review of Dragon Warrior Monsters for the GBC.

If you know the blog then you know "Extremely long and in-depth reviews" aren't the norm around here. As a matter of fact, that first post is the ONLY one I've done!

The closest I've come to ever repeating that would be the (word of the day) Directionless video I put out on Hades to get a grip on the concept of making videos, but that wasn't nearly as much of a 'review' as that first post is.

Tangent, definitely planning on trying my hand at videos some more for the foreseeable future. Probably not gonna use the tagline Full Impressions that I tossed as a whim for the Hades video but yeah- I'm excited to try my hand at a few videos :) tangent over.

It didn't take me long to come up with what I'd like to do for the blog though :)

A few months later I liveblogged a challenge run of FFT where I used only Ramza- a solo run. - Which maybe only happened because I tried a nuzlocke run a year prior on my main account-

(Nuzlocke | FFT challenge run)

Thanks to that haphazard liveblog experiment I started to realize a couple things which became the primary motivators behind this blog.

1) I LOVE sharing experiences. No brainer, I'm sure, but being able to share my experiences, and compare them with others' experiences, and just that mutual sharing is uplifting and feels good to do.

2) Liveblogging is an EXCEPTIONAL motivator to buckle down and play all those games I said I'd play (cue everyone laughing because I'm still way behind and have an immeasurable backlog).

But I mean that, on both respects. I have plenty of motivators toward the blog today, but if I were to be concise it's pretty much "It's easier to beat games if I liveblog them- otherwise I get distracted and play other games" and "I love sharing experiences and thoughts with people about my favorite thing- games."

Since 2015 I've tackled around 70 games as full playthroughs, and an untold ton as one offs or just to ramble about for a bit.

I've had a lot of highlights over the years, and I don't talk much about it as an overall experience so I thought for the anniversary I'd try to do just that. Not everything- I can't say I have photographic memory that would bring all of it up without prompting after all :P But whatever comes to mind as I browse some of my old stuff- as well as some thoughts on what I'd like to see in the future.

It's gonna be a bit self-centric I assume as I type this preamble to it, so let me say outright that this blog wouldn't be half of what it is without all the people who've given it the time of day over the years.

From recommending games they love or appreciate, to comparing thoughts, to offering kind words for analysis I've done over the years, to pointing out when I'm dumb and misread a situation :P- to, yes, even the people who decided "Fuck this guy's ramble" and deleted my captions before reblogging my gifs way back during Hamtaro (Of COURSE I remember that! It's amusing lol).

This is better because of others, because of the interactions and the people I've gotten the chance to chat with or befriend. It's just a liveblog more or less, my own little bit of fun I toss out for myself if for anyone- so seeing others enjoy this or that from the work I put into sharing my experiences or thoughts is always a joy in itself :)

Anyway, onto selfishly rambling about some tidbits of the past :)

Also sorry but no, opted to not shove a ton of photos in, it does have a handful of links to old posts though :P

This'll be disorganized as heck as I'll add to it over time before I feel it's worth posting (or the tumblr post editor becomes a hassle and more or less forces me to).

First~

FFT Solo Ramza Challenge: Considering it was roughly the first thing this blog has done, it's also something that's stuck in my head a lot more clearly than most of the other stuff I've done to be honest lol.

In truth, this is partially because FFT is my favorite game, bar none. But it's also because the whole experience was pretty new to me. Prior to it I had really only done one self-imposed-challenge that wasn't requested by the game in some manner and that was a nuzlocke run of Blue version.

So adding a challenge to my favorite game was a fantastic experience!

Notes I just wanted to say today about that run: If anyone enjoys FFT I honestly recommend giving it a shot for the unique story it lends itself to. I do recommend skipping the rules until after the second battle but that's up to YOU to decide.

My first post on the subject is me complaining about spending 4 hours grinding out the second fight and, despite hyperbole being my natural state, that was NOT hyperbole.

It DID take 60~ restarts to beat. It DID take 4 hours. The reason is that that 2nd battle is RNG as HECK, you HAVE to have Delita do some meaningful actions, you HAVE to have the enemies miss and make poor plays, you damn near HAVE to crit a few instances to save yourself from taking too much damage.

It's a numbers game to the extreme, so I wouldn't fault anyone for 'cheating' and skipping the 2nd fight for the ruleset lol.

The memory that stands out the most for that run is actually isolated in a post in which Ramza (Purrick in this run) talks like a total badass as just ONE DUDE running into a room full of enemies. I just think on that as a great encapsulated view of what it was like. The run started off face grindingly difficult, but because FFT is a game that offers so much freedom to the player it was extremely easy to 'break' the game into making Purrick overpowered as hell.

That's something I love about some tactical RPGs, I love having the ability to play smart so that I can play stupid later on, and breaking the game into making him one shot god is certainly a good payoff for playing smart early on :P

RetQuick: I miss RetQuick, it was primarily a short experiment I did in 2015 where I'd play a game for a short span of time (REALLY short, like 10-20 minutes) and record that for the purpose of making gifs and saying a short piece on what I thought.

It's one of those formats where the purpose was pretty shallow- but had a reason. I wanted to try making some gifs with some tools that existed online, so I made an excuse to do just that.

I also wanted to play a TON of games, usually through emulation on my sister's PSP, and this let me do that.

These two minor goals came together and so I spent a while making RetQuicks which were honestly more fun to make than they had any right to be. I mean the gifs were tedious but the playing? The thought sharing? The end product ocassionally having more appeal than just a photoset? It was fun.

I'm thinking whenever I have trouble picking a game for the blog I'll revisit the format... sorta.

I already reused it for a short stint to show clips I had no plan on expanding into a playthrough, but that died as well as it was too similar to Tidbits posts (another tag I no longer really use).

My thought is to rebrand retquick as something of a tryout for what game comes next. Play a handful of my backlog games for an hour or so each and say some thoughts before saying which one I'll continue as the main game for that period of time.

Old Tag Stuff: One of those things that only sticks to me since I made the decisions but it's always funny for me to look back on my old posts because I was apprehensive as hell toward making my posts visible. The reason my early playthroughs on the My-Tags page are variants of Ret instead of just "The name of the game so people can find this post" is because I felt like a liveblog would just spam the tag to hell-

Something I don't remotely feel bad for doing anymore.

So I avoided getting any sort of spotlight for quite a while on the blog for little reason.

Why Retphienix?: This is just a dumb thought I wanted to share and I'm sure I've said before.

It stands for retro!

Yeah!

Ain't that dumb and also not a real shorthand? lol

I think I have some sort of deer in headlights anxiety towards naming things, I mean do you think I think Full Impressions is a good summation for a video? I don't. But perhaps that's overshadowed by the other inexperiences and anxiety driven decisions that had- doesn't matter.

Retphienix is Retphienix because I sat there in 2015 and thought "Well... what do I name an alt account?"

My main is Redphienix, which yes, is ALSO a terrible name AND is misspelled. But it's that because of sentimental reasons. As a kid I misspelled Redphoenix when making my gamertag (I knew how to spell Phoenix back then as well, I was too excited about xbox live and misspelled it) and it's become something of a sentimental misspelling.

So I wanted to make a mix on that for my game blog, but I had no idea what. In the end I thought "RetroPhienix? I don't know. Retphienix is closer to Redphienix. I'll do that" and so it was done.

And just like how Redphienix is both bad and misspelled but exists because of sentimental reasons- Retphienix has acquired the same 'flavor' in my eye lol.

Aspirations for the blog: I have no immediate ramp up plans or road map or whatever, and in truth I'll be happy if the blog stays just as it is forever- up until tumblr ends- I cry over lost posts- and I reopen it on another platform.

But I do have blurry half-considered daydreams that I'd like to see happen for the blog through some hard work or shifts on my part.

One is something I'm already doing kinda, hence my embarrassing means of bringing it up a lot lately. Videos- I want those. I wanna make some looks back on series people don't talk about that I enjoy, I want to make videos sharing my thoughts on games I beat for the blog (like what full impressions kinda was, but I don't think they'll have a unified name from here on out). Maybe retrospectives, but mostly when I think of making a video tied to retphienix or me in general it's me looking at a game that said something to me, and saying it louder with my own interpretations on it.

You know the kind, videos where they talk about a video game but not the whole thing- just a singular message they really heard loud and clear from it intentionally or not. I dig those and I know I end a lot of games having plenty to say that could be directed into such a format.

We'll see.

And I'm along for the ride on that one as well- currently I'm keeping my eyes on whatever is directly next, which happens to be "I plan on playing Omori, if it clicks as something to talk about I would like to take a shot at that in a video too!"

The other is that I'd like to build a small community. Wouldn't know the first thing on doing that in a modern sense, but just a little online friend group to chat with and play games together. Something that could open up multiplayer and coop experiences being better shared on the blog and would just in general expand my gaming to what it used to be back on the 360 when I had a large group to play with.

Since the 360 era ended I've pretty much closed off- stopped playing competitive games due to lack of interest- and slowed down to playing all games either solo, with randoms (and no mic usually), or with my cousin. It's a rare instance when I play with some good people like @gamesception or another friend of mine, John.

When I diverted from playing competitive games nonstop toward other genres I didn't intend to also cut out all my online gaming buds, it just kinda happened, and I never really put any effort into rectifying that.

So more or less I'd like to one day sit down and work on a discord server, and then buck up and put the leg work in to make some gamin' buds again, but that's such a vague concept anymore.

Sounds all sad and what not but it's more ambivalent, I made decisions that

changed how gaming worked for me after the 360 and this is just where it landed for better and worse- I'd just like to see if I can make it a little better :P

General things I think when I think retphienix: Honestly? I think of how much fun I've had over the years and how thankful I am to have had an outlet that encouraged me to explore more of the medium.

I REALLY love games. I went to college for games, I've written LEAGUES about games, I've played countless games, my childhood was games, my adult life is games- games games games yada yada yada.

So when I think of retphienix I think of how without it I probably wouldn't have explored a lot of the corners of gaming that I have.

I genuinely, and I mean this, might not have sat down and beaten FF7 for myself and would have considered the amount I played as a kid to be enough.

I might not have played Chrono Trigger yet, and I KNOW I wouldn't have played Chrono Cross, and I'm happy as hell to have played both of those. CT was a mind blowing moment for me that showed me just how good an RPG can be, and CC gave me miles to think of in terms of innovating an RPG and how beholden to the narrative a sequel should be (I don't feel CC should have been chrono at all lol).

I DEFINITELY wouldn't have given New Vegas another chance. And I know I'm a sourpuss on NV, I've been that way since I maxed my achievements on the 360 for it, but replaying it really did reveal to me how exceedingly negative I was being.

My memories had become "It's brown and a boring location >:(" and "The factions all suck and it doesn't do anything with the idea of bad factions >:(" and became "It's... a little brown guys, not a big fan of the area" and "They didn't do enough with exploring the gray factions" while adding "Wait. This is pretty damn fun. And 90% of the additions are stellar. And I forgot about Dead Money, my favorite dlc in any game ever with a story that tears at my heart every time I think of it, NV good actually?"

Faxanadu would have remained a cool game I saw on SSFF and not a game I played to the end and fell in love with the aesthetic feel it has!

Also that's a game I cheated like crazy on lol, I would do it again! Save state scumming games meant to be rudely difficult is only fair :P

I probably would have never sat down to play through Windwaker which was such a positive and uplifting experience that I now get the most relaxed and warm feeling in my heart when I see those blue waves.

There's so many experiences I would have left on the table in favor of like... putting more hours into a live service title or something.

Maybe, and no offense to my cousin or anyone else playing it, but maybe I'd be no-lifing World of Warcraft nonstop just stagnating my interest toward the skinner box mechanics of an MMO?

Some offense, actually but lightheartedly lol.

But beyond the entire games I've played for the blog, when I think retphienix I picture all the time making gifs, all those games I played on the PSP for short stints, buying a retron 5 to add to what I could explore and being stoked when they shipped a freebie box of old controllers to go with it, getting angry at the retron for being a Piece Of Shit lol, crying at the end of damn near every game with an emotional story because I'm a big emotional mess of a person who finds investing and crying at a story way too easy thanks to empathy pulls, oh!-

Getting excited whenever I found that I had a "*controversial*" opinion that no one would care about lol. Like the one that comes to mind is that I thoroughly believe that Dragon Ball Z II: Gekishin Freeza!! for the NES is WAY better than the fandom recognized and appreciated sequel/remake Dragon Ball Z: Legend of the Super Saiyan!

How many people do you hear talking about either game, let alone saying the NES game that is roughly half of the SNES remake is the better one :P But I stand by that! The SNES one is a remake of DBZ1 and 2 for the NES but it loses all the charm and some of the fun of the NES ones by being a lackluster SNES game!

lol

I admitted wholeheartedly that this post would be a lit-

little directionless (gotta love the new tumblr poster making me break sentences like that), but to sum things up.

It's been 6 years. It's been an untold amount of work to be honest- liveblogging a game, at least for me, hasn't been the easiest thing. It's a lot of thinking out my thoughts (heh), it's a lot of learning tools to make the capturing process possible, it's a lot of experimenting, it's a lot of writing and editing, and, well, sometimes it's just tough.

I mean I went to school for coding, not video editing, not writing, not image processing, not this or that- but this hobby has introduced a lot of things even if only at a VERY base level (I admit fully to using online alternatives to make gifs for instance).

I learned a lot about, well, a lot of things in order to use this blog to learn more about games- and all that work has become part of why I've loved all 6 years of this blog.

6 years of gaming, work, and you all- and it's been worth the investment :) Here's to many more and all of you whether you stumble upon this post or not- literally anyone who's interacted in these 6 years, thank you, and anyone who hasn't I offer you well wishes as well.

<3

[sschmendrick]

Just going to rant for a little, if you want to stick around.

For a little bit of context, we have to do a self-portrait video in english for monday morning. It should be between 1 and 3 minutes and while I'm still wondering what I should say I was sort of singing/raping aloud a few songs that I like and the more I try to get the lyrics right the more I realize that I speak a very bad english. As in I don't think it's intelligible. I try to take into account all the critics english-speaking people have of french people's pronunciation but it gives my speech a weird pace, it's all broken and sloppy. And I know that it is stupid to think that I can manage to sing (let alone rap) in a foreign language, however I can't stop thinking about how I really appreciate this language and I can't even use. I mean the few times I've spoken with english-speaking people they didn't understand what I said or I had to repeat a few times and try other words and just embarrass myself until they would understand. I can't have a full conversation. I can't speak. And I guess you could always say that, well...since I'm french it's natural that I have an accent but I don't want to give into the terrible french accent that people like to imitate. I want to speak this language it's supposed to be spoken, with the right pronunciation. And when I hear other people speak in english with accent, even strong accent, they have a sort of confidence I do not possess. Their words flow no matter what. Anyway it's just pushing a little more weight on my shoulders and I can't not obsess over it because well it's everywhere.

It's a crescendo of thoughts. I think I just have to work on it and repeat it again and again but the more I repeat it the more my pronunciation changes and it's all over the place, and I'm mixing up obvious stuff and it's horrible to hear. So I keep trying and it doesn't work. So my motivation begin to falter. I keep hearing all my mistakes and they are the same from a few years ago, I didn't improve. And then I wonder why, why do I keep trying ? From my experience people don't understand me anyway, and what is the point ? It's not like I'm ever going to speak with a english speaking person, or anyone that doesn't speak french it seems. I'm not going to study abroad with covid still going strong and even I'm never going to work abroad because why would anyone employ someone from abroad when they have someone that can do the same job in their own country.

And it's the same with music. When my thought started to derail I went "maybe I should play music with some people, it will distract me and I get to not be alone" but I'm not good enough to play with people and for it to be enjoyable and not just the exact same thought process but with my ability of playing music rather than speaking english. And also I don't know anyone who would play with me and my classmates were really cold to the idea when I presented it to them.

Anyway, some news : the painting is really starting to look good, but it didn't have the desired effect. Instead of distracting my mind, it's giving more space to my thoughts, and this kind of stuff happens so...wasn't my best idea.

I guess it is one of my dumb thoughts.