#I'M JUST HERE TO MAKE MYSELF LAUGH
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my toxic character trait is that I think I'm so fucking funny
#personal#hazbin hotel#alastor#lucifer magne#angel dust#my writing#writing snippets#chapter 3 is done at 4k words#haven't gotten far into chapter 2 yet tho WHOOPS haha who ever heard of writing things in order!!#also def gonna be 4 chapters now#I'M JUST HERE TO MAKE MYSELF LAUGH#and also have feelings
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I'm amused at how confused some people are at the idea of Puss being shipped with Death when Shrek is a series of movies that had a DONKEY canonically get together with a freaking DRAGON
#like if you don't like the ship that's valid#but the logistics should not be the sticking point here#if a dragon and a donkey can get freaky with it#and have babies?????? they have babiessssss??????#wolf and a cat? that's NOTHING#oof i make myself laugh#i think i'm personally just vibing about this ship#i will like or reblog cute ship fanart but at the same time#i am also 100% good with how it is in canon#i like the idea of puss happily going to greet death at the end of a long life#like meeting an old friend#lobo puss in boots#puss in boots#death in boots#pussdeath#deathpuss#puss x death#death x puss#no but why do y'all have so many ship names though my god#shrek#nah they're cute though#it sparks joy#puss in boots death
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for the recent ask game, i’m really curious about your take on 7 + 8 :P
for the choose violence ask game!
7. what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how the fandom acts about them?
i'll be so honest: Jason Todd. i know there's a lot of argument of "who has the worst fans" and i think that question is flawed and impossible to answer, but i will say Jason fans irked me so deeply. because i read mostly 90s era Batfam, i admittedly didn't have a lot of exposure to Jason for a while, expect for his New-52 runs i'd read years ago. and since i never liked him based on those runs, i could not understand *what* his fans liked about him, or where they got some of their headcanons/ideas from. i've never been more baffled. it ranges from "oh i don't agree but you do you, i guess?" to "what character are you talking about i am BAFFLED". and it soured me on Jason for so long that i actually hate read *most* of his pre-Flashpoint appearances just to understand what on earth people liked about him. and now i can say, i love him dearly, but i can also say, i still don't know what character his fans are talking about sometimes. and i hate the fanon version of Jason who feels almost, Deadpool-ified? with this self-aware slapstick humor but a sad soft interior but also sassy and will kill a man it's just. it feels very hollow to me and it has made me almost tempted to block his character tag more than once over the years bc sometimes certain takes make it difficult to even like him. i just have to tune it out or yell about it for hours.
8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about
i'm going to get particularly saucy with this one: that Dick Grayson has Eldest Daughter Syndrome. or more generally, that he was parentified. not a single ounce of Dick's backstory indicates him as being parentified. to be parentified you have to be a child taking care of other children either emotionally or physically because your parents are not fulfilling that role. and Dick was *never* a child at the time that another child was under Bruce's care. he has been an adult for the entirety he has known every other Batkid. and even then, the *only* one he was something you could akin to being a parent figure to was Damian, and Dick *chose* that. Dick was a grown-ass man in his late 20s who had the facilities and capacity to make the decision to be Damian's primary caretaker. he's never been parental toward any of the other Batkids, nor has Bruce ever forced upon him the role of having to raise them. did Bruce do a sort of questionable job with Dick? yeah. but i would argue Bruce did the best job with Dick of all the Batkids, and even if he was shitty with Dick, he couldn't parentify Dick bc there was no one for Dick to be parenting. and Dick wasn't parenting Bruce either. they just had a normal relationship of loving and caring for each other.
as for Eldest Daughter Syndrome i just.. i Do Not Like calling any male character "female coded" or "female rage coded" or "eldest daughter coded" because they're *not*. especially not in *this* medium. these are male characters, created by men, written by men 90% of the time, and written to be *male power fantasies*. nothing about Dick or Jason or any Batboy is female-coded bc they exist to be badass men. just because they show emotion and have complex relationships with Bruce doesn't make them suddenly women. Dick shows his anger in a very destructive, stereotypically "masculine" way. even if we strip it of gender, Dick doesn't exhibit most traits of Eldest Daughter Syndrome. he easily makes relationships with people his age, he has no issues telling Bruce no, he did not have caretaking responsibilities forced onto him by Bruce, he's not even really hyperindependent. Dick has a support system outside of the Bats, the fandom just ignores it. does Dick force caretaking responsibilities onto himself sometimes? can he be an overachiever? absolutely. but these are internal complexes that just come with making a character a superhero, it's a complex they all have. if i have to hear one more fan call him Eldest Daughter Syndrome-core or say he's a victim of parentification, i think I'll explode a little bit.
#necrotic answerings#ask game#this is regarding canon specifically#if you write fanfic where the batkids are taken in younger#and thus dick is parentified that's valid to explore#but that doesn't make it canon#also here's a take i'll hide in the tags:#if someone has a pfp of wfa jason i. tend not to trust their opinion on jason todd.#i'm so sorry i just can't do it.#you can like wfa and enjoy it for what it is do not get me wrong#but using it as your basis for jason is going to make you wildly off the mark#of everyone i think wfa butchers jason the most#who is that man.#why is he there.#metas about jason from wfa perspectives are always missing the mark for me.#that's just my opnion so no one take it *too* seriously but like#man. i've got feelings#also i'm super passionate about the “female coded” thing#like there are women in comics. yk you can read about them. right-#still never getting over the post where someone was like “who do you think is more female rage coded jason or dick i can't decide omg”#and the notes were just people recommending comics with women in them. bout peed myself laughing.#i do think jason is interesting to view through a female lense and same with dick#but you have to understand that will always be fanon. not canon.
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seeing non-black people critique rick's portrayal of black characters is interesting sometimes. only like 30% of the critiques I see make any sense to me to be honest
#“rick made carter be an elvis presley fan that's fucked up!” is a real thing I just read#do you think black people can't enjoy elvis even though he appropriated black culture for personal gain#boy you would not like what I have to tell you about eminem. or kpop. or anything else bc black culture has been#appropriated by like everyone forever. are black people not allowed to enjoy iggy or ariana or billie or [the list goes on]#I myself am not biracial but I /mostly/ like carter and sadie (specifically carter who isn't white-passing) as black representation#the part where carter feels indignant that he has to hold himself to a higher standard because the world is harsher on black boys#did genuinely resonate with me when I first read that part as a child and it still does to this day#can we talk about how rick knows nothing about black hair instead#or how hazel is from the jim crow era and seems to not have one single thought about race in the modern era#or hazel's horror over the amazons keeping slaves but “no they're not slaves they just like it that way 🥰”#my problems with hazel are not at all about stereotypes I just don't buy her as an authentic portrayal of a black girl from the 1930s#don't get me started on beckendorf. does every black character need to die a violent horrible death rick#anyways this isn't intended to make anyone feel bad but we need more meaningful nuance in critiques beyond “hey that's a stereotype! bad!”#if you can't discern and communicate WHY it's bad then you're not saying anything of substance#is it a caricature? is it uninformed/underresearched? are all the characters from that group being represented in that way?#is the stereotype itself a degradation of that group? is it being played for laughs? is the character a one-dimensional stereotype?#what can we glean about the biases of the author/narrative and their worldview through their portrayal of certain groups in the text?#a big part of literary analysis and critique is not only pointing out The Thing. you need to also say something about The Thing#like if you have a black character say they like hiphop then sure it's a “stereotype”. but lots of black people do like hiphop#it's an important part of black american culture and portraying that in media isn't racist by default#and in fact lots of poc keep parts of themselves quiet for fear of being perceived as a “stereotype” when we shouldn't have to do that#BUT if you're doing it like jonah wizard was written in the 39 clues then that's where we've got a problem bc wtf was that rick#that was so racist oh my god I was like 11 years old reading that 😭 and then he had the white mc poke fun at him for being a gangster#and him being a “gangsta” was always played for laughs throughout the story#not being pro-rick here as I'm a big fan of critical riordan reading just being pro-thoughtful critiques because some of you guys actually#sound a wee bit ignorant when saying things like what was mentioned in the first tag#baye.txt#pjo hoo toa#rr crit#<- tagging that just for. well the tags basically
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ok fellas this post is really different from my other stuff so i'm putting it under the cut for people who don't care and also because i'm slightly embarrassed
ok so. is it unusual for a girl to want to have a deep voice and a flat chest and a more square face and also feel slightly jealous of men and want to sound like them and look like them
and also is it unusual to want to be all that, but also simultaneously not be very bothered very much by how you look right now or by being referred to with she/her except for sometimes when you think about it too much. because i usually don't think about it except for sometimes where i suddenly just get really sad about being a girl or i'll always have this faint feeling that i am just unhappy about it
and also is it unusual to try to ignore it and go about your life being unbothered by it even though deep down it does kinda bother you but you can't really. like. say anything to anyone because your family won't react well and neither will your friends because they'll think it's weird and uncomfortable. i feel afraid to ever feel this way because i know the people in my life won't react well to it
so like. genuine question please lmk wtf is goin on because i'm unsure if it's normal and i've felt like this for a long time and it's confusing me and i don't even know what i'm going to do with the information once i know i'm just sort of lost LMAO
#vent#ig???????????#it's not even funny (it's a little funny) how the only reason i've like. thought about this was because i am becoming#more and more jealous of actors in the musicals i watch#greaseball when i get you. when i get you#like i know it IS possible play as male characters in musicals or something as a girl if i ever wanted to#but the thing is i want to look like them and sound like them and i want to be masculine#this is me questioning my gender on my fucking cats the musical tumblr blog everybody point and laugh#might delete later depending on how embarrassed i get ARGH#I FEEL SHEEPISH#had this in my drafts for a long time but i'm caving in and posting it because i had a bad night last night thinking abt it#and i need to know. also i'm lying in bed having to get up and i don't wanna so i'm making excuses#anyway again. i'm embarrassed feel free to ignore this is so stupid#ok. being brave about this#i don't like being negative on here. idk if it's negative but it might come off that way and i don't want to be awkward#also idk how sharing it here will help. but i don't really know what else to go to#if nobody got me i know tumblr got me can i get an amen#keep adding tags to this like it's going to change anything. post the damn thing idiot#why am i adding so many tags like i'm hyping myself up in the mirror JUST POST IT
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DC LOOK AT ME
#It's funny how I find myself using this meme cyclically regarding DC and the Batfamily in particular#the first time I used it was 2019#about what was it?#that disastrous marriage to Selina?#Bruce beating his kids?#yet another death in the family?#Joker coming back to be a pain in the *ss?#Harley's annoying behavior?#the awful relationships between various family members in general?#or something else that I can't remember right now?#I have no idea#the fact is that for a few years now history has tended to repeat itself#there really are a lot of sadists working at DC#huh?#all this makes me laugh so much I can't stand it#I was honestly waiting for some other shit to happen just so I could post this nonsense here too#I'm sorry but I'm not sorry#he’s dead Jim#dc#dc comics#batman#sorry for my bad english
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???
Assigned male by tiktok user
#i genuinely laughed my ass off for a solid 10 minutes#can't even be mad because it's so funny and just stupid to me#i'm so confused what the thought process here was#i mean yeah it's assigning someone a gender based on your own assumptions and taking their autonomy of their own identity away#basically just found a progressive version of “you're a man because [way they look dress act etc]”#but the thing that kills me is that they used my pronouns to do that#something that is understood to be something put in place wholly by the individual themselves#i think it would be common sense to assume i'm aware what my pronouns are#and that if i use terms like wife of my own volition it isn't invalidating to my gender because i chose both of those ways to refer to me#“Your pronouns are he/him which means you're a husband!” made it sound like he/him pronouns are something objective i have to conform to#and not... words i deliberately picked myself?#what could they even have thought was happening here to think that would be a helpful sentiment?#yeah pronoun police is very common nowadays and people losing their shit at the idea of someones gender not aligning with their pronouns#realistically that's probably what happened here#but if i try to read genuine good intention into this it makes it so much funnier and ridiculous#tiktok#pronouns#gender nonconforming#nonbinary#non binary#genderqueer#multigender#multigender umbrella
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okay okay, like everyone else i am still not over the new saezuru chapter, however i noticed something that i can't unsee so tell me i'm not the only one seeing it
gorilla h a n d s
#idk im just here cry laughing to myself#i'm sorry doumeki but you make it too easy#saezuru tori wa habatakanai#twittering birds never fly
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i keep finding reminders of how i used to act/type a few years ago and i shrivel up. and die.
#i am so so so glad that i'm still on friendly terms with a lot of you guys because i am not a strong enough person#if i was interacting with someone like my past self i think i'd keep a long distance before gently closing the door#drags my hands down my face. the masking was so much. too much.#i stumbled across drawings from 2016 or so and a lot of it was based on memes my friend* at the time liked#which i vividly recall thinking 'this seems really weird. but i think it'll make them laugh!' which. in fairness. it did#but i'm just not & have never been the sort of person who is wholly comfortable acting like that anyway#it always felt off. but i'd lean into it because it's all i really knew people expected of me & i was scared of making a jarring change#which. in a sense. losing my ''best friend*'' & primary discord server at the time somewhat helped w that transition period#into. well. what i am today!#i like to think i'm still silly enough but in a more authentic way to myself & my own humor...#it feels a lot more real - the ways in which i put myself out there. i don't have the weight of feeling like i 'must' close myself off#i get to be open. whether it's here or among friends. i feel more genuine and - ironically - alive; for better and for worse i suppose#jestersvaguely#*the same person. not very good for a multitude of reasons + they were twice my age at the time#which isn't inherently a bad thing to be clear. but combined w a lot of behavior they facilitated + topics of conversation it's... well.#but i digress#i'm glad that things have improved - generally speaking :]
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I've been laughing at this for several minutes now
#jay: clearly totally different. harsh raspy scream#stupid ass joke but listen. I'm just here to make myself laugh#and I dont want to explain to my coworkers why I've been laughing at a corvid identification guide...
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past 1.30am and i can't sleep... but like i'm thinking that i almost survived this year. almost made it. so close
#i know i make a post like this once a month or something lol but sometimes i think about the fact that i could just not be here rn#if things had gone a bit differently#and i can't say i'm doing great or anything like that but#i'm glad i survived despite things being hard and i'm glad i'm here trying to get better#i'm glad i got to laugh and cry and watch sports and listen to music and walk and eat pasta and work and write and sing offkey and swim#even when it hasn't felt good to be alive. i'm glad i was#i'm so glad i'm breathing. i hope i never take it for granted again. thank god the side effects of the shit i did to myself slowly wore off#thank god i'm here even if god has nothing to do with it for me#i just hope i won't just live but really be alive and really feel at peace with myself and with the world#and i hope i never want to end my life again. never. which is something i've thought before so i will not say i'll never sink that low#again. bc i can't know. but i hope that was the last time and my life will only get better and i hope i will be happy one day#i hope i get to know people. i hope i will be less lonely. i hope i hope i hope. which is the best thing i could do
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wish i could stop losing stuff irretrievably. some hardware error emptied out my recycle bin a couple days earlier. just to shit on a day i'd spent being genuinely happy about the art i create. i guess. i'm tired of compromises, sick of lying that "it wasn't that important anyway", and throwing up at "oh well, can't be helped".
and yet. and yet. despite every pain, both major and minor, the love is there. the love is still there. guess i've just somehow miraculously hit that point (or gone past it a long time ago) where every grievance beyond a certain amount hurts an unspeakable amount more than it should. and it stacks. probably went overboard a while back. don't know when.
still, i adore my project. still got someone in whose arms i feel safe. hope i'll get out someday. hope i'll get a win.
#i truly do believe that if i get the rest of my work back‚ the important bits#then everything else is gonna be all fine. negligible losses. one more pain on the road to victory.#i learned what digital corpses look like yesterday. zeroes where bs and 4s and Hs should be. it sits badly in my gut. it is difficult to#have hope.#and yet#and yet i will never lose mine until it's all truly over#i'm hoping for a win. it'll be the biggest win of my life at this point. everything else can go to hell at that point.#just give me the news‚ doc. give me the tiebreaker. tell me to live or to despair.#got things to live for beyond that one piece of art i've made. got a few of them‚ in fact.#yet a life without my art seems as bleak as they come. don't know what to look for beyond that. just let me win this one time.#seven years of constant pain is more than enough no matter how you slice it. if i'm not given closure here‚ for this one thing‚ then i'll#give it to myself. will be cruel. will be tough. think it holds less pain still.#but i don't want it. don't wanna think about it. crying as i write this. don't wanna face the music. hate how it hinges on that. are all#artists like this‚ or is it just me who is insane?#i've moved on with the help of my art. without my art‚ i can't move on. can't move on from the lack of moving on‚ either. just loss after#loss after loss. but maybe. maybe not. if i win‚ i'll just cuss out this pain i'm going through right now for the rest of my days and#eventually laugh about it. losses will become scars on living tissue. emphasize on l i v i n g tissue. living‚ as in can create‚ can#continue to love‚ can continue to adore and to help and to play and to smile and all sorts of things. can do all that good stuff that makes#a life worth livin'.#so. dunno if i'm transmitting. dunno if anyone's listening. but i'm hoping for contact.#logs#black blank blah-blah-blah
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experienced an autism loss today
#my friends made fun of me because i said i liked cats :(#we have a musical every year at our school and i said if they did cats next year i would want to join#and they laughed at me :(#even my friend who does the musical every single year laughed#sigh. sigh#i know it's pretty silly but. idk#i rarely share things about myself or my interests with my friends because they always make fun of me#so idk. i've learnt my lesson by trying to share with them!#i know i shouldn't really care what they think but. i'm sensitive 🤷♀️#sorry for being negative i'm always about the positive vibes here but i just wanted to get this out because it's been bothering me
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I was just about to type something about how occasionally I manage to find a "cool zone" of ego where nothing can make me feel really bad about myself, but I also have a realistic sense of my own importance/relevance/competence and an ability to laugh at my mistakes. I was going to frame this as a happy medium.
Then I realized that actually, being insecure and prone to feeling bad about myself also tends to make me a lot more prone to bouts of arrogance or grandiosity or not being able to laugh at (or own up to) my mistakes because they feel like a super big deal, humiliating and potentially life or relationship or "career" ruining. Just as outsize feelings of "I'm the worst person in the world" and "everything's always my fault" are self-obsession and grandiosity in disguise, I think a lot of problems we often attribute to people thinking too highly of themselves or being too confident/secure in their abilities and ideas are actually, or at least can be, insecurity and self-hatred in disguise.
I dunno, man. Liking yourself and valuing yourself and seeing yourself as a lovable person is good. I don't think there's actually much, if any, danger that you'll accidentally like yourself too much and thereby cause problems. I think the more you like yourself, the easier it is to be considerate towards other people and act in accordance with what you value and not freak out every time you make a mistake or discover you were wrong about something or get told to change some of your behavior.
#a lot of my life is spent sort of swinging between the poles of 'i'm so great and everyone loves me' and 'i'm literally the worst person'#more and more i feel like i've cracked it#and the secret is that the first state isn't actually feeling good about MYSELF#it's feeling good about ways others respond to me and/or things i've achieved#and telling myself 'this makes up for my inherent inferiority as a human being this Proves I'm Good'#what i'm talking about here is rather a sense of 'i'm basically fine i'm a decent person with some flaws who is ultimately well-meaning#and quite likable. and i can just chill and laugh about the stupid shit i sometimes do'
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my co-worker seeing this family walk up to the door with the son who wanted his hair like mine and his moms did it for him: your biggest fans are coming iiiiiin
me: oh my god. please.
the one mom two seconds later: OUR FAVORITE HAIRDRESSER IN THE WORLD IS HEEEEEERE OH MY GOD YOU'RE A MIRACLE WORKER THE ADVICE YOU GAVE US LAST TIME WORKED PERFECTLYYYY
me: ok nvm
#last time they were in i gave her like a comically large blank receipt with instructions on it on how to make it itch less for him#while it processed bc sensory issues#i guess it worked idk lmfao#not patting myself on the back here just laughing#i'm not getting a clientele exactly at this place but the handful of people who like me REALLY LIKE ME#and im like idk im too socially awkward for this
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In these days i realized i like art and writing and creating and shopping and taking walks and talking to people and cleaning and helping and studying and doing things but i'm just. too stressed, tired and burned out to do them. How great!
#i am losing my sanity day by day#drowning myself in the nearby lake seems better and better every day#why am i even writing this i have literally no mutuals or even people who'd care about#don't mind me crying myself to sleep haha#ooooh look at this pathetic baby. sitting in their little bed crying stupid tears. i should at least get tissues now while my crying isn't#fuck history fuck school and fuck me i quess#am i gonna start treating this as an actual blog and make a sideblog for reblogs? who knows! certainly not me; stay tuned for the story!#i'm gonna go and just let it all out into a pillow#vent ig#my mom is blasting holiday music in the other room lol#nice to have a whatever the fuck im having while “jingle bells” plays#at least i'm not hearing mariah carey ig#anyway i've probably hadn't been taking care of myself lately it has been worse despite me promoting it to everyone who needs#when i vented last time and it wasn't taken seriously so woop#anyway imma go try to calm myself and back to my notes i go#please gods what did i do to deserve thi s shit. fuck you#i hate it here i really do. i hate when these people talk to me i hate them. i at least can be sorta accquaitances with one but they just.#all stare and laugh? i actually can't. like i'm some fucking clown and laughing stock. just kill me at this point. i have been enduring this#for YEARS and suddenly i'm being a little bitch about it?? what the fuck. why am i so mushy all of a sudden. being shown an ounce of respect#and care made me expect it more? fuck#i'm just setting myself up for failure. i am just a giant loser and failure of a person.#everything seems so fucking hard. and pointless. i am tearing my rotten little heart apart with this. i am once again grieving things#long ago and things i never had. my everything has to be pleasing to an outsider#my value is my suffering. am i breaking enough? is this beautiful to look at#at my self destruction? i hate myself. i treat others so cruelly. i am a horrible fucking person.#my problems are not their burden - i forced it on them. wept like a baby because she left me. and what happened in the end? my paranoia got#to me. i left them. i fucking. i fid the thing i was afraid of being done to me.#this is showing so many issues.#so many things wrong with me. i shouldn't even be alive by this point - i wasn't supposed to survive past 12#i am being forced to do this every day. someone please just end my fu king suffering
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