#I’ve written a lot of scenes closer to the end but have no idea how to start the story or introduce characters

[darkandstormydolls]

I’ve kind of lost my writing mojo over the summer (I have still been thinking about my characters and considering things of course but I couldn’t seem to get anything written down), but this evening I was feeling like “eh I could write” and then say down for over an hour and wrote a good half (probably more honestly) pf a scene that has been languishing as a five word idea in my extremely rough outline for literally months

Thank you, writing fairies, for smiling upon me today

[polin-erospsyche]

I’ve been thinking a lot about how the society doesn’t really seem to react or gossip about how close Pen and Colin sometimes are. Some have said it’s because of how Pen is perceived in society and a spinster so no one in the ton thinks that an eligible Bridgerton man could be interested in her romantically. I believe it’s the contrary. And I think this commentary kinda supports this idea:

“All these rules are to keep the marriage mart churning. But once you have performed your function and found your match, you are free.”

“It’s an intriguing perspective that, one assumes, much of the ton shares. It also casts a new light on Colin and Penelope’s interactions thus far. From day one, they’ve always been a little (or a lot) closer than society allows. They think nothing of being unchaperoned alone, talking about highly personal things, or even physically touching. There’s a casual intimacy there, and it only becomes a “problem” when the ton begins scrutinizing them more closely. Symbolically, they are already on the level of an old married couple, with the freedom and intimacy it allows.” Amanda Prahl - Scene Breakdown: Colin and Penelope’s Dance in Bridgerton’s “Old Friends” (Marvelous Geeks Media)

Like yes, when they’ve been written about in LW then there’s gossip, or when Colin interrupts that dance then there’s scandal, but the rest of the time? Not really, no. Like the willow tree? The sweet stand? The repetitive dances they have throughout the season? The fuckin “come with me”? There’s talk at the end of season 2 sure but for how close they are most of the time this is nothing. This is just some teenage boys being immature and unkindly teasing Colin (it is basically what that is). My guess is that Pen and Colin have always been so close that the ton doesn’t really question it. Of course young girls still throw themselves at Colin because he is eligible and of good fortune and that’s the horrible game they’re all playing. Try to catch the biggest fish in the pond. But what strikes me for example is when Cressida says “Eros and Psyche battling it out”. She says it so nonchalantly. There’s not a hint of a question or surprise. She acts as if it’s obvious and there was no other plausible situation. And you can argue that she says it this cause she’s Cressida or that it advantages her because then Debling is available, but I think that in that moment she’s probably voicing what everyone else in the ton is thinking. That it’s a given. That there was probably always something unspoken between Pen and Colin, thus allowing them to act as they have with the freedom and intimacy it allows. The unspoken but well known fact that these two were always meant to be for each other

[erinwantstowrite]

I know you’ve probably answered this dozens of times (sorry) but how do you come up with ideas? I’ve been trying to get back into writing but I’m stumped

usually i go look at other media and ink about how i would put other characters into their situations. you can find a lot of AUs based on this, but there's also tropes from your favorite media that you might want to try writing.

for an AU: often times i see people draw conclusions about which characters would fit into an AU based on the character type (ex: a sunshine character acting like a sunshine character from another show), but i like to think about the situation the character is in. Say I want a Gravity Falls au for the Batfam. I could just shove the characters into the character types and it would be fun. Dipper and Tim are a lot alike with their smarts, I suppose. Or Ford and Bruce have a lot of similarities between each other.

or i could go a step beyond... Tim and Pacifica have similar backgrounds even if they don't have the same personality. Stan and Bruce are nothing like each other, but I can imagine Bruce waiting however long it takes to try and find someone he loves. I could combine these aspects into a fun au: Bruce Wayne lives in a mysterious manor in the woods. He's kind and the townspeople love him. He was raised by Alfred, a family friend, after his parents were killed in the woods. Bruce knows that his parents were killed because of the strange happenings in the town, and he follows his late father's journals while studying everything Gotham has to offer. Only, two of them are missing. Years later, his first adopted son Dick Grayson lives in the town and helps people who are afflicted by Gotham directly, and Bruce is searching for a young Jason Todd, his adopted son, who got lost in a portal. The local rich kid Timothy Drake found the one of the journals that Bruce hadn't found, and starts looking for monsters in the woods. Eventually, he and Bruce start working together.

Thus, I've expanded upon the AU with one simple shift in thinking!

for the tropes: let's use The Sea Beast as an example (wonder wonderful beautiful movie) (spoilers up ahead)

My favorite part was the growing parental relationship between the grumpy sailor Jacob and the young free spirit Maisie. Scenes where they grow closer and form an understanding of each other are fun, but I really liked the scene where Maisie brings up becoming family, and when she realizes that Jacob is turning her down, she grows upset and wishes for them to forget the entire conversation. That scene HURTS because Maisie lost her parents and thought she would find a family in the other Hunters. But she ended up learning that she could never be a Hunter since she doesn't have the heart for it. This is her last chance to find someone who might understand (at least, she believes it is) and Jacob basically implies it wouldn't work. But eventually Jacob figures out that he does want to be a parent for Maisie, and it's really sweet. I ended up wanting a scene like that in one of my fics, and now I've gotten it written into an outline. It won't be exact, but it helped me pull inspiration.

Basically: consume your media critically, think outside of boxes, and nurture your creativity. The more you understand what you're reading/watching, the easier it is to find ideas for your own story :) don't be afraid to push limits and see where it takes you

[wolfjackle-creates]

Ghost!Robin Part 4

Here's your next part of the Ghost!Robin fic for WIP Wednesday. I'm gonna start putting fic designation in the title field rather than WIP Wednesday because I think it makes it easier to read.

Also, everyone came out in numbers for last week's segment! Damn! Thank you and I'm glad so many of you are enjoying this little fic of mine. We'll probably get one more week of this before I go back to Bring Me Home, but it'll depend what I feel like. I want to rework some of what I have written next.

First, Previous

1.1k words + a 464 word Omake (cut scene)

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Tim asked more details on the specs of the PDA which Danny happily answered. The things he built with Tucker were always his favorite inventions.

“So are you in school to become an engineer or something?” asked Dick who’d gotten Damian calmed down and sitting. The boy had gotten his knife back and was spinning it in his hands. Bruce seemed to be fondly exacerbated by the scene. Robin had pulled out a ghostly weapon and was trying to copy Damian’s movements, though he wasn’t quite as adept.

Danny shook his head to Dick’s question. “Nah. Hard to get into engineering school when you fail high school.” Danny narrowed his eyes as Damian’s mouth opened, but Dick whispered in his ear again and the boy didn’t say anything.

“I ended up dropping out of high school and getting a GED,” said Tim. “It can work just as well.”

Robin was nodding along and pointing at himself, too. Had he died before he could complete his schooling, too?

“I’m sure. It’s just not a priority for me right now. I don’t need one for my job and I can’t become an astronaut because of my accident when I was fourteen.”

Dick was nodding, but Tim looked confused and asked, “Fourteen? I thought you had your accident when you were older?”

“Why would you think that?” Had he or Jazz made any reference to when his accident was? “No, it happened when I was fourteen. A few weeks before I started my freshman year of high school.

Before Tim could ask anything else, Steph called out from the other side of the room. “Did you say you wanted to be an astronaut? Totally awesome. What made you pick that?”

“I honestly don’t know why everyone doesn’t want to be astronauts! Space is so cool. We can learn so much about the universe by studying it in closer detail. And with how many aliens are now living at least part time on Earth, it only makes sense to explore and see what else might be out there.”

Bruce nodded at him. “I am sorry you aren’t able to become one.”

Danny just waved a hand in the air. “I came to terms with it a long time ago. And my current job is fine. Might not be what I would’ve chosen, but I’ve made it work for me.” Deciding he should change the subject before someone had the brilliant idea to ask more about his accident or job, he asked, “So what is for dinner, anyway? You’ve all talked about how amazing the food is, but what are we having?”

Someone tried to speak up, but Jason held up a hand. “I’m the one who helped Alfie cook. Demon-brat is vegetarian so we have a vegetarian curry. If you like meat, there’s a prime rib roast. Then a half dozen different sides—vegetables, rice, potatoes. Huge salad with all the fixings and a dozen different dressings to choose from. And dessert after.”

“Damn, that sounds amazing. I haven’t had a good home cooked meal in ages, so I’ve been looking forward to this.”

“Has your Grandpa been keeping you that busy?” asked Jazz.

“That, but also getting things in order to take this evening off. There’s just been a lot. I’m spending the night at yours, by the way.”

“I’d be offended if you didn’t.”

Danny knew he could rely on Jazz.

“Ooh, do you have any good stories about Jazz as a kid?” asked Jason.

Laughing, Danny said, “So many! But I don’t think we’ll be able to get to those tonight. I’ve a feeling you’ll be interested in other things by that point.” At his words, Robin grinned and pointed at himself. Danny gave him a slight nod to confirm that yes, they’d be talking about him.

Before Jason could ask for clarification, Alfred came in to announce dinner was ready.

Robin cheered and flew over to sit on Alfred’s shoulders, hand extended, to lead the way to the dinning room. Danny couldn’t hold back the chuckle and Jazz shot him a look which he ignored.

“There better be a place setting for you, Alfie!” called Jason as they followed.

“You made your opinion quite clear, Master Jason. And as I wish to meet your young lady and her brother as well, I have set myself a plate at the main table.”

Tim leaned over to whisper to Danny. “Alfred considers his role as butler very important. He rarely eats with the rest of us unless we join him in the kitchen.”

Danny nodded to show he understood, but had no idea how to actually reply to that. It seemed needlessly complicated.

Once they made it to the dining room, Danny grinned as Robin did a flip off of Alfred’s shoulders and landed sitting down on one of the place settings facing the associated chair. He bit his cheek to keep from laughing as Jason sat down at that same place. Jazz took a seat next to him and Danny sat to her other side. Dick ended up sitting next to him.

The scents of all the food wafting off the table made his mouth water and he closed his eyes just to breathe it in. “This smells amazing. Thanks Alfred. And Jason.”

Even Robin had moved to look over every dish, reaching out a hand to try and take something and sighing when he just phased through it.

Even Jazz looked a bit overwhelmed at the quantity of food. “This is so much effort. You didn’t have to do all this just for Danny and me.”

Bruce smiled at her. “It is so rare for all of us to be together for dinner so we make a spectacle of it any time it happens. And this is the first time Jason has ever brought anyone with him which makes it an even bigger event.”

Danny nudged her. “So, Jazz, what’s it like living with someone who can cook?”

Jason laughed. “Jazz isn’t allowed in the kitchen. You know, I caught her grabbing my chef’s knife before going into the fridge the other day!”

Danny furrowed his brow. “Of course she did. It’s a fridge.”

“Wait, is that a family trait? Why do you grab a knife to open the fridge? There’s gotta be a good story behind that.”

Before Danny could make the obvious statement regarding attacking food, Jazz elbowed him. “We’ll tell you later. It has to do with our parents and that’s a large topic and not one we should get into now.”

Before Danny could ask any questions about what the big deal was, Dick nudged him. “Which do you want—curry or beef?”

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Omake

Ignoring all of it, Danny shook his head and answered Dick. “Nah. Hard to get into college when you fail high school and are legally dead.”

Multiple people, including Jason, exclaimed at that statement and he looked to Jazz.

“Did Jazz not tell you about that? Our parents swear they saw my ghost and had me declared legally dead. I was missing at the time so the coroner agreed. Sighting the ghost of a missing person is all you need to confirm death in Amity.”

Under her breath, Jazz added, “You were only missing because they had you.”

Danny elbowed her and quietly chirped a Safe now.

Bruce was no longer smiling and was looking at Danny with narrowed eyes. “Your parents had you declared dead.”

“Yeah. It’s fine, though. I’ve an amazing doctor if I get into trouble. My grandfather is watching out for me. I’m financially stable. My partners are able to rent an apartment large enough for all three of us. I have other places to stay when I’m traveling. Honestly, it doesn’t impact my life all that much. Just means I’m not gonna go to college. And only reason I wanted to go to college was to be an astronaut, but my health makes that impossible.”

“Hn…” Bruce hummed.

And Danny had no idea what that meant, but Robin was now laughing, and Dick was exchanging grins with Tim, and Steph and Cass were whispering together. Damian was glaring at him even harder, blade hilt gripped in his hand. These people were strange.

Danny looked over at Jazz who shrugged. Jason was glaring at Bruce and said, “Don’t you dare.”

“Look, it’s really not a big deal. I know it’s kinda a messed up situation, but ghosts are generally treated really well in Amity. As well as any living human, at least. So long as you avoid the Guys in White and my parents that is. So outside of interactions with them, nothing has changed.”

“If you are ever in need of a place to stay or a meal or anything, you’ll have a room here,” offered Bruce.

Robin landed on Danny’s shoulders and was sending out happy-celebrate feelings. Steph handed Cass a few bills. Tim and Dick mimed giving each other fist bumps. Jason put his head in his hands and groaned. Duke was grinning at them all.

Damian half stood and said, “Father—!”

But Dick was at his side and pulling him back down to the couch with an arm around his shoulders, hand over his mouth, and whispering into his ear before he could do more than say the one word.

“Seriously, it’s not a big deal.” Trying to think of anyway to change the subject, he asked, “So what’s for dinner, anyway?”

And for the Tag List! (Which absolutely exploded this week. Holy shit.)

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Next

@addie-lover-of-stories, @justwannabecat, @gin2212, @amercurio, @regonold, @overtherose, @readerzj, @sjrose1216, @echoednonny, @deeterzz, @blu-lilac, @number-one-jew, @rowanaway-fromthisbs, @vythika96, @tired-yet-awaken, @themirrorghost, @all-mights-asscheeks, @darkhinauniverse, @blep-23, @phandomhyperfixationblog, @larkcoe1, @thegatorsgoose, @job-ross-the-second, @britcision, @lenacraft, @bubblemixer, @androgynouslordofescapism, @purefrickingspite, @leftmiraclechaos, @lizisipancardo, @starlight-sparks, @miraculousandmore, @gildedphoenix, @sometimesthingsfallapart, @letmesayfuxk, @phoenixcatch7, @skulld3mort-1fan, @abaowo, @dhampir-princess, @idkmrpianoman, @sarina-elais, @ballzfrog-blog, @undead-essence, @spookytragedyshark, @emeraldcorpral

The celebration post for 100 followers will be going out in another day or two! I've just had a really busy few weeks and didn't do as much writing as I was hoping for. But I hope to finish writing today and then I'll just take a few hours to edit.

[solsticelosthermind]

Bc you have so so many wips, do you have a favorite rn? Or one that haunts you the most?

Ooooh this is such a good question in that my initial answer was akin to a pterodactyl screech. All of them? The amount of effort I’m expending to not just start word-vomiting right now— scratch that, I need you to know that I had to talk myself out of making this post unbearably long by adding chunks of each wip. I’m chewing on the bars of my self-made enclosure. Ace, I adore you. I’m going to be unbearable for this ask I’m so sorry.

That being said, I’ll stick to SSKK since that’s what the other post became, which does narrow it down. Um. Slightly.

The brainrot today is focused on the self-cest aku thing because of a certain someone’s tag last night and the discovery that?? It’s?? Not even really a tag on ao3?? Except. I’m not so slowly turning that into porn with not only feelings but like, plot, so someone should save me from myself

Sad fic- thusly titled since I was not doing well when I threw that scene together, and I just. Need to fix it now. Except I made it worse the last time I went in there and now I’m that one drowning in my feels gif every time I open it.

Soul/mates and Ability share are probably on par with each other for how often I think about them, but Ability Share is much closer to actual writing while Soul/Mates is long stream of conscious run on sentence style outlining for a fic that’ll be so much longer than I originally intended. (Who’s surprised. No one.) Ability share began life as literally just a scene where Akutagawa’s injured and Atsushi forces him to take the tiger to heal, and then I went, “how the fuck would he do that actually,” and now it’s basically soulmates part 2. Soul/mates itself is. Well. Soulmates. Actual mates because tiger, possibly omegaverse, I haven’t decided. But most of the notes there are about how they could come to terms with it, develop as individuals and a partnership, and how Atsushi would ruin it mid-mission-going-sideways by screaming something horrendous and how Akutagawa shuts right the fuck down because he’s just. Kind of been waiting for it to blow up in his face. And how I want them to be able to share power by the end. is this literally the same fic twice? Maybe so. Two cakes meme goes here, except it’s just me, cackling maniacally, while being buried under 5000x wips

Touch is what I was toying with finishing next because it’s. Well. There’s a lot there, honestly, and the idea of exploring/developing intimacy tickles me. It’s literally just, “He’s never known a touch that doesn’t hurt. I can fix that,” while simultaneously ignoring that maybe you need something to touch that isn’t you doing the hurt for once. Which he? Yes. Everybody’s touch-starved. I love the initial snippet for this so much. Atsushi’s so tired and Akutagawa’s so weird but he’s still trying already and Dazai’s a little shit.

Tiger and his Hounds, though. That’s probably my baby, now that I’m thinking about it. I go back to that terribly regularly and just re-read what I’ve got written and scribble more notes for how I could progress. It’s a re-write. Ish? It’s. Oh how do I even?? The file is about 9k right now, but the only two scenes actually written are what if Atsushi stayed after Akutagawa collapsed post-Moby-Dick, and then Dazai and Atsushi running into a very pissed off Chuuya and Akutagawa. I want to work my way through the entire series, but kind of sideways? The opening scene is Atsushi at an unconscious Akutagawa’s side going, what changed? Why did he save me? And then deciding it doesn’t matter, but it does. And it does change things, because Atsushi’s looking at him differently. And then I want him to run into Akutagawa and Chuuya and dazai in situations between the big scenes. I want Chuuya to adopt him the same way I believe he did Akutagawa. I want Chuuya to be angry and Dazai to miss him. I want Akutagawa to be able to be seen. I want Atsushi to be the terrible little gremlin he is while also accidentally pulling all four of them out of the mud they’ve been drowning in through sheer force of will. I just. I love this. So much. My bullshit summary in this wip is: One sided enemies to frenemies to friends to lovers plus found family like woah. And it’s just—What if Atsushi realized everyone around him is also fucked up? What if he loved them anyway? What if. He realized he’s loved anyway? What if—what if I just posted a snippet because I do not have any self control at all.

The need to post the entire wip is strong y’all. I love this fic so much actually? how am I just realizing this.

“Hey, Ryuunosuke, how long d’you think before this one’s mine too?”

Atsushi scrunches his face up as whatever was brewing on Akutagawa’s face instantly wiped clean. He darts a glance at Dazai, and then focuses on Chuuya. “Preferably never. I am made to deal with the jinko entirely too often as it is.”

“And why, exactly, would the lad end up ‘yours’” Dazai asks with a brightness Atsushi could’ve pegged as fake even without his extra senses.

When Chuuya laughs this time, it’s an ugly sound. Akutagawa swears under his breath, which is all Atsushi needs to brace for whatever’s next.

“‘Cause he will,” Chuuya drawls. “That’s the fun part of your new stray being a kitten this time.”

Dazai matches his tone as he asks, “Oh?”

“See, dogs are loyal. Can’t help it, even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts. Takes a lot for a good dog to bite back. No matter how much you deserve it.” Chuuya’s smirk goes cruel as he put his back to the corner and watches Dazai watch him. A knee migrates up onto the bench, and Chuuya rests his elbow over it. He flicks his opposite hand at Atsushi.

“Cats, though? Cats ain’t built like that. They’re picky little shits. How long d’you think that shine in his eyes is going to last when you have to earn it? How long before your tiger boy decides to come run with the dogs you beat to shit and ditched? How long before you’re all alone again?”

Dazai opens his mouth, but Atsushi beats him to it. “I won’t,” he says quietly.

“That so?”

Atsushi curls his belt around his fingers as he meets Chuuya’s hard gaze. “I may not know why you’re so upset with him, but I know he’s trying to be different. That’s enough for me.”

Chuuya makes a face, wry and full of pity. “When he breaks you, kid, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Atsushi can’t help but huff a humorless laugh. “Can’t break what’s already broken.”

[amirazat]

Saw your post about the Avatar state vs Katara’s anger at Yon-Rha, it was so civilly handled and well written! I’m scrolling through your blog now, and see you mentioning that you got ideas for how KA could have been written differently. Care to share? I am starved for fan content where Aang gets actual character development instead of being either perfect or the devil.

Thanks so much for your ask!

I actually have a lot of ideas for re-writes and additional scenes to help bolster Aang’s character development and, relatedly, the development of Kataang. I’m happy to share more of them if people are interested, but I figure I should probably start with something (relatively) short easy to digest. I hope I deliver on your expectations!

Since I was on the topic of “The Southern Raiders”, let’s start there. I think there’s a lot of nuance in the way that Aang approaches his discussion with Katara that’s easy to miss (which I expand upon at length in I this post) and I would have loved to have seen a scene at the end of TSR where Aang actually talks to Katara about what happened, and they become closer as a result. In my opinion, this would have made their romance arc a lot better, since I think one of the biggest problems with the way Kataang works out in canon is that even though they get on well for most of the show, they seem to spend the last few episodes having unresolved fights… then they kiss.

I had three main goals when writing this scene

1. Allow Aang and Katara to reconcile after their fight, showing a healthier friendship and making it seem more natural when that friendship transitions to romance.

2. Flesh out Aang’s motivations in this episode, and allow him to reflect on his mistakes

3. Write Katara showing an interest in Aang in a context where the text indicates to us (part of) why she’s interested in him romantically. We hear a lot about why Katara loves Aang, and we see that she’s interested in him romantically, but these scenes don’t tend to coincide so it ends up being difficult to relate to Katara in the romance.

Here’s what I’ve got:

(Some lines are taken directly from the show because I wanted to keep things as consistent with canon as I could while keeping to my goals.)

Instead of having Katara talk to Aang and Zuko on the dock after they get back, we instead have Katara and Zuko reconcile with a “thank you” and their hug while they’re still alone. Later, when Zuko brings the others to Ember Island, Aang approaches Katara by herself on the dock, giving the two of them space to have their own reconciliation.

Aang approaches Katara on the dock, sitting down next to her.

Aang: Katara, Zuko told me what you did. Or what you didn’t do, I guess. Are you alright?

Katara: I’m getting there.

Aang: I want to be here if you need me. I know that forgiveness isn’t easy.

Katara, sharply: I didn’t forgive him. I will never forgive him.

Aang looks at Katara in surprise.

Aang, tentative: But you let him go? I thought you needed closure.

Katara, staring out over the water: I did. And when I saw him, I wanted to do it. I wanted to take out all my anger on him, but I couldn’t. I don’t know if it’s because I’m too weak to or because I’m strong enough not to.

Aang sort of wilts in on himself.

Aang: When I saw you that angry, all I could think about was how I acted after I lost Appa. I yelled at you all. I went after the sandbenders. I wanted to…

Aang takes a deep breath and refocuses.

Aang: I wasn’t strong enough to not take my anger out on those around me. I needed to forgive in order to move on. Like the monks taught me. If either of us is weak, it’s me.

Katara, turning towards Aang and placing a hand on his shoulder: Aang, no. You’re one of the strongest people I know. You lost your entire culture to the Fire Nation, but you’re still here, still loving life, and you’re doing everything you can to save the whole world. That’s amazing.

Aang blushes and looks at Katara shyly.

Aang: I think you’re pretty amazing, too.

Katara also blushes, and leans her shoulder slightly against Aang. We fade out as the two watch the sunset together.

[payattentiontothescreen]

Bridgerton Rewatch S1E1 - Diamond of the First Water (Part 2)

Here's part 2 of the S1E1 Rewatch

Something I noticed is that Eloise has a lot of sympathy for Daphne when it comes to the whole Berbrooke thing. She tries to stay with Daphne when he’s the only one who calls on her. In general, they’re a lot closer here than they are once Berbrooke is out of the picture.

Thinking back on it and watching the show again, Pen is the only one who could have ever been Lady Whistledown. Given the derision and abuse she’s been through by the entire ton, especially her own mother, she’s a teenager who’s lashing out. She’s an afterthought to everyone except Colin and Eloise.

Speaking of Colin and Penelope, he has always thought highly of her. When he’s leaving the Featheringtons after calling on Marina, Pen is the only one he says goodbye to. He doesn’t even bid Marina farewell; it’s just Pen.

Daphne and Eloise have very similar views on their place in the world. Daphne does not like that marriage is her only option. She has just made her peace with it.

Lady Whistledown’s dig at Marina’s “pretty little slippered feet” was so obviously Pen, I don’t know how anyone thought it wasn’t her.

The Queen’s dismissal of Daphne is a good early indicator of how much she cares about LWD’s opinion.

I need more Violet/Lady Danbury scheming. They’re both so clever, the matchmaking worked wonders.

This next note says “Anthony shut the fuck up challenge.” Again, no idea what that’s in reference to but it’s applicable to any scene he’s in.

So they plant a Cressida/Colin dynamic really early on of her wanting to be with him. Not much on this here, I’m just looking forward to seeing how that plays out in season 3.

What drives me crazy is that Colin DOES NOT LET GO OF PEN’S HAND when the music stops. They aren’t dancing anymore but Colin is still holding Pen’s hand. Idiots in love at its finest.

Not gonna lie, those lights are sick.

Season 1 Anthony has 2 modes: pompous idiot or callous asshole. He manages to be both when he tells Daphne that he promised her to Berbrooke.

Quick Marina sidebar - first, I couldn’t imagine just having to bleed through on my period. That sounds like hell. Second, it would never happen but I would love if Marina slapped Lady F back. Full on “They Call Me Mr. Tibbs!” action.

Back to Daphne, we’re at the attempted assault scene. Something that I noticed this time around is that Berbrooke is pissed at Daphne because, to him, she thinks she’s better than him. The thing is, she is technically higher class than he is. He comes from a barony; she’s the daughter of a viscount. In a purely hierarchical sense, she is better than him. She comes from a better family. And I know that there’s the gender politics involved here but I’m choosing to ignore them because they are stupid.

I’ve watched this show several times. Daphne punching Berbrooke in the face will always be satisfying as fuck.

I’d like to take this bullet point to say that Simon is iconic. His dialogue is so well-written. Love it.

End of episode thoughts: This is a really well-done pilot. It marries romance, drama, and comedy amazingly. I’m looking forward to seeing what else I find on a closer inspection of the series.

Thanks for going on this journey with me. S1E2 will be up tomorrow? Maybe? It depends on how busy I am with grad school.

Have a great day!

[joshuahyslop]

BOOKS

The last 10 books I’ve read:

1. Death In Her Hands - Ottessa Moshfegh I really enjoyed this book. Previously I’d only ever read a collection of her short stories and they were incredibly dark and depressing. This one is more of a mystery. It feels a little bit like watching an A24 movie. I kind of wish the ending had gone a different way, but it was enjoyable and very well written.

2. Stoner - John Williams I’d read another book by Williams a while back and hadn’t been particularly blown away but this book was recommended to me by multiple people over the last few weeks and then I saw it as a “staff pick” at my local used bookstore, so I went for it. It’s a lovely book, but I’m not sure the description on the cover, “The best novel you’ve never read” was really accurate. Good book. Not great.

3. The Creative Act: A Way of Being - Rick Rubin I’m having a bit of a tough time with this one. I like Rick Rubins work. I’m not sure how to feel about the man himself. He has a bit of a cult following and he’s really taken on this sort of guru-like persona over the past few years. This book is full of some really helpful and insightful ideas and ways of looking at art and creativity in general. But I can’t help feel it’s a little self-indulgent. Each chapter is, at most, 5 pages long, usually less, and there are blank pages between each chapter. A lot of paper could’ve been saved with this one. Still, you can’t argue with Rubin’s track record and the breadcrumbs he’s scattering here are absolutely worth picking up - I just don’t think there needs to be quite as much space between them.

4. Yellowface - R. F. Kuang My wife read this for her bookclub and recommended I check it out. She read it in a day so I figured I could put my very tall stack of books to read on hold for a minute. I read it in two sittings. It’s a very quick and easy read but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a good book. It’s written by a woman of colour from a white woman’s perspective. I won’t give anything away but it was very well done. It’s part thriller, part comedy, part drama, all the while dealing with creative liberty, plagiarism, and racism. I really enjoyed this one.

5. American Buffalo - David Mamet Every once in a while I get really into reading plays. I think there’s always been a part of me that wanted to be an actor but I was always way too insecure. I love going to live theatre and I try to pay attention to the scene as much as I can - even if I’ll never take the stage. This is a great play. The whole thing takes place in one room. It’s gritty and funny and brutal. Although I’ve read a lot about him I’d never actually read a play by David Mamet. He’s not for everyone, but I loved it. If you’re into plays and have any to recommend, send them my way.

6. The Missionary Position - Christopher Hitchens This is a quick read but definitely a worthwhile one. For one thing, I love reading Hitchens for his incredible ability to wonderfully articulate himself. For another, I love reading Hitchens because, to him, there is nothing sacred. Despite having what seems like a rather provocative title, this is a very grim and sober look at the life of Mother Theresa. Hitchens noted several instances of seeming hypocrisy and political opportunism in her religious life and decided to take a closer look, judging her reputation by her actions and words and not the other way around. I grew up admiring Mother Theresa - even when her journals full of doubts were published, I was encouraged by my church to continue believing because, "Even Mother Theresa doubts!". It wasn't until I went to India and volunteered at The Missionaries of Charity that things began to unravel for me. There was little to no medical care being extended to these kids and several passed away in the few days I was there. It was heartbreaking and confusing and it took a long time for me to begin to understand it. This little book helped.

7. The Caretaker - Harold Pinter Another play. I've never read anything by Pinter before but I've heard his name many times. I didn't particularly enjoy reading this play. It's kind of confusing and pretty uneventful. But once I'd finished reading it I looked it up on YouTube and saw a young Colin Firth performing one of the monologues from it and it was amazing. I'll be keeping my eye out to see this one live.

8. The Love Poems - Harold Norse A short while ago I was consumed (and not for the first time) by Bukowski's poetry. I couldn't stop reading it. I bought book after book and would go home and immediately dive in. Somewhere in all my reading I noticed he'd mentioned Harold Norse as one of the best poets to ever live. Being a massive fan of Bukowski's I decided it would be wise to read what inspired someone who’s inspired me. I'm not really sure what I was expecting, and - to be fair, I've only read this one collection (which, I should mention was SO generously gifted to me by a friend after I posted that I was looking for some of Norse's work) and in it's very title it suggests romance, but it wasn't this. It's very sexual and very confusing. Harold Norse was an openly gay man at a time when it was not openly accepted to be so. For that reason I found his writing brave as it deals mainly with issues of homosexuality. But, overall, I wasn't moved in the same way as I've been while reading Bukowski's. I have another book of his (which was also a gift from the same friend) so, we’ll see.

9. Why Grow Up? - Susan Neiman A small book but a lengthy read. It's been a while since I've jumped into the world of Philosophy. It's one I've always felt drawn to but then almost immediately overwhelmed by whenever I've dipped my toe. This was no exception. It's an unflinching look at ageing physically, emotionally and mentally and societies/politics role in either encouraging or discouraging growth and maturity in these areas. I enjoyed it and now I've got lots to think about.

10. Dangling in the Tournefortia - Charles Bukowski What can I say? I wasn't even looking for another book of his poems, a friend gifted it to me and I dove straight in. This particular book was released in 1981. It's not my favourite era of Bukowski's. He's no longer down and out, he's no longer hungry. He's living well and has a bit of a name for himself. Still, there are gems here. He wrestles with those very issues, he still has words in his soul. It's inspiring but in a different way. I'm glad I read it and I'm thankful for the gift from my friend, but I'm also glad that this wasn't my introduction to his work. I don't think this would've hooked me the way his early work did.

more soon, -joshua

[aranarumei]

B, F, K?

thought abt going thru all of my fics and felt an intense bout of decision fatigue so I’ve decided to limit things to mostly a3, which I think is probably the more interesting way to answer, anyways. I ramble so this is a bit lengthy.

B: Any of your stories inspired by personal experience?

oh yeah. I am Not Immune to Projecting Sometimes. I know I just said I’d talk abt a3 but this bakugou-centric fic was just me drawing heavily on my personal experiences with like. complicated family dynamics and it seemed to go okay so. I’m pleased with it mostly bc i felt like the conclusion wasn’t very… wish fulfillment? which is nice sometimes, but not what i wanted. 

on the a3 side, the Specifics are rather different but dress for success was definitely inspired by conversations i’ve had about gender and presentation before... but the detail drawn most from real life was probably juza’s thoughts about his smile, particularly that he’s just a guy that. Doesn’t Smile. As a kid i was 100% the sort of like. Person who has never smiled ever to my classmates and that made me later in life believe that i was just like. Incapable of smiling properly. I smile lots nowadays tho :) 

F: Share a snippet from one of your favourite dialogue scenes you've written and explain why you're proud of it.

[LUKE] It’s not. Besides, when I wake up, won’t you be there? On the other end of sleep, and “ Good night,” is a “Good morning”. You don’t need to follow me into everything, as long as you know you’ll see me again. [S] “Good night” is a very strange greeting, then. [LUKE] Maybe so. More than a greeting, I think it feels like a promise. 

clockwork heart is. my favorite play. it may even be my favorite event. (tough competition w/ captain’s sky pirates + my master’s mesmerized by mystery for me. and nocturnality.) 

this snippet is really just. it's kind of barely a fic. the whole post is not that long. I had Lots Of Thoughts about how luke, at the end of a clockwork heart, says, “So it’s just good night for now.” it was, to me, just such a perfect encapsulation of the idea that this separation was temporary and not forever, even though they were both saying goodbye, so I wanted to write something that expanded on that idea a little. i think it's effective, seeing as how I get more emotional about the ending, now, and the script format forced me to pretty much rely on dialogue alone.

K: What's the angstiest idea you've ever come up with? 

this made me look at myself and be like… huh, i think i’ve decreased in angst as i’ve grown older. interesting.

anyways i think mine would be…  there’s this backstage for nocturnality (so like, spoilers for that) where azuma is transported into the world of nocturnality and like. meets with kota after the ending of the play. and he makes this comment about like. oh, I prefer tasuku to kota, after all. 

and it just like. I’ve never stopped thinking abt that. so I had the sketches of an idea where it’s like. azuma is dropped into that world only like… he Stays There for wayyyy longer than a couple of hours. and u get very fun stuff of like. kota projects his feelings about reo onto azuma and azuma kind of does the same, and the like… lines blur a little badly and they probably lash out at each other somewhat. and it’s a bit complicated, since at this point in time azuma and tasuku have grown closer but they still don’t know each other Perfectly. and he’s not even here but there’s a guy with his face who is Almost Like Him (and how well can you be sure you knew tasuku, too…) all while you’re also slowly losing your sense of self because like, in this world, “reo” is the real existence?  there was also gonna be some kind of drama with the vampire society I think… since azuma would actually be like Human and not. Turned Yet. 

anyways it never rly went anywhere bc it would have to be a lengthy multichap and i’ve got a slow track record with those. i need to finish at least One. these are all also just like… vague concepts that i hadn’t fleshed out into proper plot beats, so it requires a Lot of Work that i just. don’t want to do currently. but i think it could be like. really fun.

ask me about fics & stuff!

[lgcmanager]

FABULA MISSION 007

SCHEDULE TYPE: TRIMESTER ( PART 1 OUT OF 1 ) SCHEDULE RESTRICTIONS: cannot be paired with another trimester schedule, unless stated otherwise. for reference as to whether your muse is eligible for this event, please click over HERE.

on APRIL 3, PARK EUNSOOK gathered all of the girls together as she hands them the files for their upcoming schedules. while they aren’t as busy as the other groups, they still have a lot of filming and preparation to do before their comeback next month especially after the loss of one member.

FANSITE & BIRTHDAY

starting MAY, JIAE will be eligible to do OPEN EVENT 006 ( FANSITES ) and OPEN EVENT 007 ( BIRTHDAYS ). details about that can be found in their respective posts.

BULLET INQUIRY ( PART 2 )

“this is going to be a relatively short meeting, but one that is of importance to all of you.” EUNSOOK began the meeting before looking at her files to see the first topic, which is pertaining BULLET INQUIRY. “since MINJI and HAYOUNG are featured in BULLET INQUIRY, the staff thought it would be a good idea to promote the show a bit. so for you two, you will be given a chance to watch the first-two episodes and give your reaction. the video will more or less promote both the drama and fabula, so feel free to give input and thoughts about what you think might happen in the drama.” 

MINJI and HAYOUNG will be filming a two reaction videos ( one for episode 1 and the other for episode 2 ) and this will be posted on FABULA’s youtube channel. they will be watching and reacting to the episodes before it officially airs ( the reaction videos will be posted on APRIL 17 and 20 ). the girls will be doing the reactions together, but on the actual videos they will compile the best parts of the reaction and put it into two videos.

it is important to note that while there is a farewell party and vacation for the BULLET INQUIRY cast, unfortunately the two of them will not be able to attend those events due to their busy promotion schedules. furthermore, since ARIN has been dropped from the roleplay, she will still have her appearances on the drama but the announcement of her leaving the group will not be made until it’s closer to their comeback. the FABULA members are asked to not disclose such details until the company has publicly announced it ( and there will be no staff article about this on lgcmedia, it’s more for ic knowledge ).

‘BANANA DIVISION’ AUDITION

“i’ve been told by a fellow co-worker that there is going to be another acting project in the works. since some of the people in lgc agency will be busy in the next few months, they’ve suggested to me to extend this invitation to all of you. i’ve written some information about this audition for each of you in your files so you can review it whenever you have time.

for this audition, each of the FABULA members will each schedule an appointment with the staff member for the show ( if they agree to do this ). a few days before the audition, each individual is asked to brainstorm and create a character for a slice of life and workplace comedy show ( which will then be used for the actual audition ). once they arrive at the audition, there will be three people ( director, casting director, writer ). the CASTING DIRECTOR will be asking the individual to tell them in about ten minutes everything regarding the character the person has compiled thus far. 

by the end of the ten minutes, the DIRECTOR will then give the person one of the scenes mentioned below and the person must react to it by acting out the scene through their character’s lenses.

#1: your team is assigned to create a new packaging design for a banana box that is about to be released in the upcoming months. today is the day that you’re asked to present the design to the committee but the problem is that your teammate accidentally lost/deleted the file that would be used for your presentation to show the new design. how will your character deal with presenting the idea without any references or information at hand?

#2: your boss is on vacation for a week and you and a fellow co-worker are assigned to take care of some of their work while they’re gone. a few days in, you notice that the co-worker has been slacking on their work thinking that it would be fine to procrastinate on their tasks or that you could finish up the rest of their work instead. would you confront your co-worker and if so, how would you do it?

#3: as a team building activity, your boss and team decides to do some volunteer work and plant some bananas. while planting the bananas, you hear some gossip from the other employees about your boss and their wealthy status. do you listen in to the conversation or remind them to focus on the assigned task?

( IMPORTANT NOTE: as a reminder, while the scenarios mentioned above can be viewed more as serious real life situations, this is for a slice of life and workplace comedy show, so comedy is key here! also, you [ as the mun ] can choose which scenario is given to them, but ic wise the individual will have no idea about it beforehand. )

information regarding the possible roles that you could audition for along with the requirements will be with the CASTING CALL 013 ( ADDITIONAL INFORMATION ) post. for EUNHYE, HAYOUNG, MINJI, and YEJIN they can only audition for the GUEST ROLE ( if they meet the requirements ) while JIAE can audition for the SUPPORTING or GUEST role. depending on the success of the show, if the muse has time in their schedules, and completion of the requirements, they may make another appearance in the future season.

DREAM CONCERT

“FABULA has been invited to be one of the attendees for the dream concert. at the moment, there hasn’t been that many details disclosed so far but i’ve been told that this will be hosted in BUSAN. you will be joining another fellow lgc group, V&A. there will be several other artists attending too as well, so it’s quite a special event.” EUNSOOK smiled at the girls, feeling excited that they would get a chance to be in one of the biggest yearly concerts in korea.

details about this will be revealed later this month, so keep an eye on that!

YOUTUBE LIVESTREAMS

during the comeback season, the FABULA members will be split into pairs ( or solo ) and host a livestream to interact with the fans! listed below is the arrangement and what date they will be doing their livestream:

JUNG JIAE & LEE MINJI: MAY 17

MOON HAYOUNG & OH EUNHYE: MAY 25

LEE YEJIN: MAY 31

the livestreams will most likely start after all of the girls are done with their schedules for the day and happen inside their dorm rooms. the videos will last around 30-45 minutes, depending if they have any schedules the following day.

NEW MANAGER

the loud knock echoed throughout the room at an unexpected time, which caused EUNSOOK to interrupt the meeting. “hold on…” EUNSOOK walked towards the door and as she opened it, she spotted another woman who was then revealed to be another manager to add to the team. “this is SHIM JOOHEE, she’ll be joining us as another manager. as the legacy groups expand and become more popular, the company has been slowly bringing in additional managers to help the groups. in this case, they brought JOOHEE to the team because she’ll be a manager for a specific person…” both EUNSOOK and JOOHEE’s eyes slowly turn towards EUNHYE. 

JOOHEE smiled at the idol before revealing, “yes, i will be taking care of EUNHYE in the meantime. EUNSOOK and i were reviewing your schedule and believed that there would need to be an additional manager to help take care of your schedules, especially the radio shows…” she let out an airy chuckle, turning towards EUNSOOK who mostly stayed up late thanks to the leader’s radio show schedules.

“and that’s it for all of the news. now all of you should get back to what you were doing before.” EUNSOOK placed her hands on her hips as she watched each of the FABULA members leave one by one. when it was only EUNSOOK and JOOHEE left, JOOHEE handed EUNSOOK a small bag containing a handful of yogurt flavored gummy candies. “you-know-who told me to give that to you and say, ‘don’t overwork yourself. see you soon’. i guess you-know-who didn’t want to be teased by the others, especially by legacy’s tweedledee and tweedledum.” EUNSOOK laughed at the nickname the managers had for KYUHWAN and KYUWON before taking the bag. she responded as the two of them were about to leave the room, “thank you. i’ll send a message to you-know-who later.”

SCHEDULES

if you want a comprehensive list of all of the gigs that the group will be participating in during Q2 2023, you can refer to the Q2 2023 SCHEDULES post, which will be posted at a later time.

WRITING REQUIREMENTS

this will be split into two parts. to give the admin team enough time to work on banana division, you would need to do the following: 

BANANA DIVISION AUDITION (CHARACTER): write a 300+ word headcanon post where you describe the character that your muse would have proposed to the judges. the post MUST include the following questions/topics: name, personality, backstory, quirks, interests, how do they react under stress/pressure, and education background ( this doesn’t have to be detailed, but more so if they have a degree and if so, for what area of interest ). completing this will earn you +5 ACTING and +5 VARIETY ! 

BANANA DIVISION AUDITION (IMAGINARY SCENARIO): write a 300+ word solo regarding the audition. in the solo, it MUST include how the actor’s character reacts to one of the scenarios mentioned above ( and please add which scenario you picked ). completing this will earn you +8 POINTS TO DISTRIBUTE ANYWHERE and +4 NOTORIETY !

make sure you tag the above posts with the hashtag lgc:castingcall013. you have until MAY 13, 2023 at 11:59PM EDT to complete the banana division requirements and validate your points. please submit the following form ONCE on the points blog.

MUSE NAME ∙ CASTING CALL 013 - BANANA DIVISION AUDITION (CHARACTER): +5 acting, +5 variety [ LINK ]  – BANANA DIVISION AUDITION (IMAGINARY SCENARIO): +8 ( skill points distribution ), +4 notoriety [ LINK ]  - AUDITIONED FOR: [ main / lead / support / guest ]

and here are the remaining tasks for this mission:

BULLET INQUIRY REACTION: write a 4 replies (minimum 8 lines) with the other ( MINJI/HAYOUNG ) reacting to the first two episodes of bullet inquiry for +6 POINTS TO DISTRIBUTE ANYWHERE and +4 NOTORIETY !  ** only for MINJI and HAYOUNG **

COMEBACK PROMOTIONS: write a 300+ word solo or a 4 replies (minimum 8 lines) thread with another FABULA member regarding anything that they will be doing during q2 ( ex. dream concert, rehearsals and live performances for antifragile, fansigns, etc ). this task cannot overlap with the other ones mentioned above ( as in you cannot use the bullet inquiry reaction video for this ). the thread/solo has to be different. completing this task will earn you +8 POINTS TO DISTRIBUTE ANYWHERE and +4 NOTORIETY ! ** can be completed up to two times **

make sure to use the hashtag lgc:bulletinquiry for the reaction videos and lgc:fabulamission for the task. you have until JUNE 17, 2023 at 11:59PM EDT to complete the requirements and validate your points. please submit the following form ONCE on the points blog.

MUSE NAME ∙ FABULA MISSION 007 - BULLET INQUIRY REACTION: +6 ( skill points distribution ), +4 notoriety [ LINK ] ** only for MINJI and HAYOUNG ** - COMEBACK PROMOTIONS: +8 ( skill points distribution ), +4 notoriety [ LINK ] ** can be completed up to two times **

[unwrittenlibrary]

i’m begging for you (take my hand)

this fic has 18+ content! MINORS DO NOT INTERACT. this is for your safety and mine! please respect that. 

by continuing to read you are stating that you are over eighteen and understand this content is not meant for minors.

summary // bucky doesn’t do love, you love bucky. being friends with benefits makes sense, right? [bucky barnes x female!reader]

words // 19.0k (BUCKLE UP IT’S A LONG ONE)

warnings // modern!bucky, fwb! trope, brief love triangle (steve x reader x bucky), overall toxicity, cursing, daddy issues (bucky’s dad left), drinking, excessive use of nicknames (sweetheart/sweets/baby), oral sex (f! receiving), penetrative sex, unsafe sex (do not have unprotected sex!), spitting, thigh riding, bucky has a metal arm but it’s not explained why (it was a car accident & that is already known by reader)

notes // title from willow by taylor swift (this fic was originally titled heartbeat and inspired by childish gambino’s song of the same name) i just could not get modern bucky not knowing how to deal with feelings out of my head & it became this catastrophe [ive never written 18+ before so pls be gentle in your judgement of those scenes omg] happy reading! 

if you enjoy this, reblogs & replies are greatly appreciated (especially when pieces take this much work)

》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《

“To Bucky Barnes, my now forever lawyer.” You hold out your wine glass and he meets you halfway in a cheers. Bucky laughs brightly as you praise him. “And now my sugar daddy, since he makes an insane amount of money as senior associate.” 

The two of you are halfway through your second bottle of wine. “I’ve been a lawyer for four years. I’m just now becoming your go-to?” He holds a hand to his chest in faux hurt. 

You lean towards him as you laugh. “I needed to make sure you were a good lawyer. Get me off murder charges good.” It feels like the two of you have been scooting closer to each other all night. 

“Sweetheart, you know I’d be there to help you hide the body if you needed me to.” He leans towards you in a conspiratorial whisper. Your eyes move from his eyes to his lips before snapping back up. “Then get you off the charges.” He breathes out. 

You can feel his breath on your face. The scent of red wine hits your noise and you can see it staining his lips. You want to kiss him so desperately, but you just can’t make the first move. You don’t think you could handle that rejection. 

“I’m gonna kiss you.” He says quietly, his eyes scanning over your face for any sign of rejection. You swallow thickly before nodding. “Okay.” You whisper back before letting out a nervous giggle. 

Bucky’s hand comes up to rest against your cheek. Its coldness relieves some of the heat that’s risen to underneath your skin from his proximity and the wine you’ve consumed. 

Your eyes slide shut as he leans in. His nose nudging against yours before you feel his lips. You bring your hand up to rest on his chest. His lips are softer than you expected and taste like the wine they’re stained with. It’s everything you’ve dreamed of when dreaming of kissing Bucky. 

He pulls away and looks at you with half lidded eyes. “You’re so pretty.” He mumbles. You feel heat crawl up the back of your neck at the honesty in his tone. He presses a kiss against your jaw. Then your neck. Your head falls to the side to allow him better access. 

It’s easy to move into his lap when his hands grip at your hips. “Fuck.” Bucky moans as you grind down against him. You throw your head back in a moan as his lips trail down from your jaw to your neck. 

“Shit.” You say breathlessly as his hands run up and down your sides. Your hands drop down and begin to work on his jeans button and zipper. Bucky lets out a groan when they brush against his already hard dick. 

You stand from his lap and he pulls his jeans off while you move to unbutton your top. As you work on the shirt, Bucky’s hands reach out to undo your own jeans. When you’re standing in nothing but underwear in front of him, Bucky isn’t doing anything but staring. The heat in his eyes makes you feel flush and goes straight to your core. “Fuck. You’re gorgeous.” He says quietly.

You crawl back into his lip and Bucky’s hands find you again immediately. You rub against him and both of you moan at the slight relief it offers. Bucky’s hand drifts down between you two and he begins to rub over your clothed clit.

You grind down on his hand and let out a whine. “More. More. Please.” You whisper. Bucky laughs softly at you before slipping his hand into your underwear and running a finger over your slit. “Oh my god.” Your head falls to rest on his shoulder.

“That’s it. You look so good like this, sweetheart.” He murmurs into your hair. The praise makes you moan as you grind down against him again desperate for more.

You pull back to look at him, one of your hands tangled in the hair at the back of his head. In a breathless tone you say, “Fuck me.”

Bucky groans. “Oh shit.” His hips buck up against you. “Yeah. Okay.” He pushes you off of his lap gently and moves to pull his briefs off. You follow suit and pull your underwear off.

“Come here.” He groans as he pulls you back over his lap. You giggle as he presses a flurry of kisses across your chest. He holds a hand out in front of you, “Spit.” He orders.

You glance at him in shock before following the order. His eyes roll back as he watches you before he moves to use the spit to lube himself up. “Fuck me. Please.” You whisper to him as he teases your entrance.

“Don’t have to ask me twice.” Bucky slips into you and you both let out loud moans. “Fuck. Fuck. You feel so good.” His forehead rests against your chest as both of you relish in the feeling for a moment. After a few seconds of shaky breathing, you yank at his hair gently so he’s forced to look at you again. A smirk spreads across his face at the feeling and you smile down at him, “Gonna fuck me? Or are we just sit here?” You tease. 

Bucky’s hands grip your hips tightly and he steadies his feet on the ground. “Yeah, sweets. ‘M gonna fuck you.”

》•

Your eyes focus in on Wanda as she waves a hand in front of your face. You can feel your body grow hot at the memory of Bucky and you. “What’s on your mind? You’ve been zoning out all night.” She laughs softly.

“Bucky and I had sex last night.” You blurt out, unable to keep it to yourself any longer. You swallow tightly when Wanda’s eyes brighten in excitement before confusion takes over.

She watches your face, like she can tell something was wrong, and doesn’t move to do anything for a second. When she does speak, it’s hesitant. “You’ve liked him since we were in school. Is this good or bad?”

You frown. She was right, you had liked Bucky since he had come barreling into your life senior year of college with bright eyes, mischievous smiles and maybe too many issues to ever be in a real relationship. You had sat through his flings and tried to move on with you own, but every guy had ended up being jealous of Bucky or too boring compared to him.

“He doesn’t-” You suck in a deep breath. “He doesn’t want a relationship.” You say quietly. You take another sip of your wine when Wanda reaches over with pity filled eyes and grabs a hold of your hand.

She shakes her head like she doesn’t understand what you’ve just said to her. “What do... What do you mean?” 

You run your hands over your face in despair. “I don’t... We had like two bottles of wine and we hooked up.” You look up at her with tearful eyes. “When I woke up this morning, he went on about how he loved me and he didn’t want to hurt me.” 

Wanda’s watching you with wide eyes. “Start from the beginning. What did he say? Are you sure he said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship?” She’s shaking her head in disbelief. 

You take a deep breath before launching into the story. 

His bed is empty when you wake up. Your stomach sinks as you stare at his bedroom door left ajar. You can hear him in the kitchen talking, but you can’t quite make out what he’s saying. 

You take a deep breath before getting up. You had hoped he would sleep in with you. That cuddling in the morning would lead to confessions of hidden feelings. Your hopes diminished as you creeped down the hallway towards the kitchen. 

“No.” Bucky sounds anxious as he talks into the phone. “I’m telling you. I fucked up.” You step in the kitchen and he glances over his shoulder with wide eyes. “I’ve got to go. Bye.” He hangs up abruptly and turns to you with a tense smile. 

You give him a small smile in return. “Morning.” You tug at the hem of his t-shirt nervously as he stares at you. “We should-”

“I wanted to-” The two of you laugh awkwardly as you speak over one another. You hold your hand towards him. “You go first.” You move to sit at one of counter’s barstools. 

Bucky’s watching you with wary eyes and if his words to whoever was on that phone weren’t warning enough, this new demeanor around you certainly is. “You’re my best friend.” He comes to stand directly across from you. “And I care about you a lot. You’re one of the most important women in my life. I don’t want to ruin our relationship.” 

You nod slowly as he attempts to reject you kindly. If it weren’t so painful, you might laugh at how awkward he looks. “It’s not...” You trail off unsure of what to say. “Bucky, it’s not that serious. We’re fine.” You reach your hand across the counter palm up for him to take. 

His brows furrow. “You’re not mad at me?” He asks in confusion. “I thought-”

You shake your fingers and he smiles before holding your hand tightly in his. “It was consensual. With a guy I trust with my life. And it was great sex. I’m not mad at you.” You smile reassuringly. 

It’s not a lie. Not at all. Everything you said was true, you had just left out the part where you had been hoping for more. But you could get over this. A one time fling. You could survive it as long as you didn’t lose him. 

“You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that.” Bucky’s shoulders relax. The tension on his face transforms into a cocky smirk. “Great sex?” 

“That’s...” Wanda trails off as she digests your words. “Why didn’t you tell him how you feel?” She asks. 

You look at her with wide eyes. “What do you mean why didn’t I tell him? Should we start with me overhearing him telling someone how much he fucked up or his rejection for dummies speech?” You laugh sarcastically. 

Wanda gives you apologetic eyes. “How can you be sure he was talking to the person on the phone about you?” You scrunch your nose up at her and she sighs. “Okay, whatever. At least now you know he doesn’t want a relationship! You can move on and find someone with a bigger dick.” 

“Wanda!” You can’t help but laugh. You give her an appreciative smile before letting out a sigh.  “I don’t know... I guess I just always thought we’d end up together. It’s stupid.”

You trace your finger around the base of your wine glass. Wanda watches you for a moment before flagging down a waitress. She looks at you with a twinkle in her eye. “Can I get a round of tequila shots, please?” She asks. 

The waitress nods before walking away. “We’re going to get you drunk and make you forget all about Bucky Barnes.” 

You laugh softly. “Yes please.” 

》

Four glasses of wine and two rounds of shots leaves you struggling to get the key into your apartment door’s lock. 

“Fuck.” You mutter when you push too hard and the keys clatter against the floor. You sigh deeply before bending down to pick them. You lay one palm flat against your door in an attempt to steady your shaky feet as the other reaches for your keys. 

Then you’re falling forward and your shoulder hits the floor harshly. “Jesus, sweetheart. I thought you were some weirdo trying to break in.” You groan as you look up and see Bucky staring down at you with furrowed brows. 

He’s wearing nothing but sweatpants, his metal arm and abs on full display for you. You give him a dopey smile. “Hey, handsome.” 

He laughs loudly. It’s bright and contagious and makes you giggle as he bends down to lift you to your feet. “Missed you tonight.” He says softly as he wraps his arm around your waist.

You allow yourself to rest your bodyweight on him, knowing he’s strong enough to lead you to your room. His soft words leave you feeling like you’re floating. It’s like the night before had never happened. 

“Missed you too.” You whisper. Your words are slurred, not that you can change that, but you know he understands them. He presses a kiss to your head in response as he leads you down the hall and into a room. 

The room is spinning around you, but you know it’s Bucky’s from the blank walls and dark furniture. Bucky sits you down on the edge of his bed and your fingers immediately grip his comforter tightly. “Why’d you bring me here?” Your grip is the only thing that keeps you from falling backwards onto his bed. 

You try to focus your eyes on him, but he’s moving around the room too fast. From what you think is his dresser then his closet. “I’ve got to make sure you don’t choke on your own vomit tonight.” 

“‘M not gonna get sick.” You mumble as he comes to a stop in front of you. He holds out a pile of clothes to you. “I have my own clothes in my own room.” You stare up at him defiantly. 

You can see Bucky push his tongue against the inside of his cheek, a tell that he was getting a little annoyed. “C’mon sweets. Just put the clothes on and get in bed.” 

He’s still holding the clothes out in front of you. His earlier rejection running through your mind. “I’m not having sex with you tonight.” You blurt out. You would have never said the words sober, but you didn’t want him to think it would become a recurring thing. 

Bucky laughs awkwardly and drops the clothes on the bed beside you. “I’m not trying to have sex with you. I’m trying to take care of you and make sure you don’t die in your sleep.” 

Your eyes narrow, but you feel far too dizzy to actually get up and move to your room to prove a point. You lift your arms and look up at Bucky, “Help?” 

He smiles victoriously and reaches for the hem of your shirt. You can see his eyes trail over your bralette and feel your cheeks warm, but you blame that on the alcohol. 

“Do you want to sleep in this?” He whispers as his fingers trail over one of the straps. You shiver as one of his cold fingers presses into your skin and leaves goosebumps in its wake. 

You bite down on your lip, but nod your head. “I’ll be fine in it.” 

He nods and you raise your arms again as he slips one of his black t-shirts onto you. It’s soft and smells like him leaving you warm all over and suddenly tired. Your head falls so your chin is resting against your chest. 

Bucky kneels down in front of you. “Is it okay if I take your jeans off? So I can put sweatpants on you?” He moves his head so you’re forced to make eye contact with him as his hands come to rest on your stomach. He fiddles with your jean’s button, but doesn’t move to actually undo it yet. 

You nod softly before falling backwards onto the bed. Bucky’s hands move quickly as he unbuttons and unzips your jeans. There’s a sharp inhale once he gets your jeans off, but you ignore it.  

“Sweetheart.” You lift your hips when you feel his sweatpants get stuck underneath you. “Thank you.” He says quietly.  

“What did you do tonight?” You mumble as you move around his bed to crawl under the comforter. You wait until he’s situated beside you before pulling the blanket up to cover the bottom half of your face. 

He pulls the blanket down and holds out a wipe. “You complain when I let you fall asleep with the makeup.” 

Your eyes flicker to his in brief shock, unaware of how much he actually listened to you. “Than...Thank you.” You begin to wipe it across your face. It’s not your normal routine, but it was better than nothing. “Tell me about your night.” 

Bucky moves so he’s sitting against his headboard. “I just waited for you all night.” He shrugs. 

You drop the wipe onto the side table. “Shut up. What did you really do?” You shove gently at his shoulder. Bucky’s hand wraps around your wrist and he pulls you into him. 

He’s stronger when you’re sober, so your drunk body falls into his side easily and you wrap an arm around his waist. “I’m telling you the truth, sweets. I just waited all night for you.” He presses a kiss to your temple. 

You look up from his chest to find him looking down at you with soft eyes. He’s being kind and you’re sure all that he can think of is how happy he is that your friendship hasn’t been ruined. 

But all you can think about is how no matter how soft he is with you, he still doesn’t want to be with you. No matter how much he says he loves you and misses you, it’s not the sam way you mean it. It leaves a crack in your heart that you’re unsure will ever be healed. 

》•

She’s pretty. You think bitterly as you watch from across the room. 

Bucky’s firm had a party every few months for donors. Bucky hated them. He always complained that schmoozing wasn’t his specialty, law was, so you were usually dragged along as his plus one to “Keep me from dying of boredom, please.” 

You usually didn’t mind. Bucky flirted for money, you got to enjoy to open bar to cope with his non-existent feelings for you. Tonight felt even worse. 

You force yourself to look away and look back down at the drink in front of you. You’re glad Wanda isn’t there to look at you with the same pity filled eyes that you had been getting since revealing the details of your hook up, but you wish you had someone to turn to. 

“You look great in that dress.” Your head whips up at the familiar voice. Steve is smiling at you sweetly and you can tell he’s keeping his eyes respectfully on yours. “Definitely your color.” 

You laugh. You and Steve weren’t particularly close, he was a childhood friend and you were college. The two of you really only spent time together in groups or with Bucky there. “Thank you, Mr. Rogers.” You tease. 

“Please.” He throws his head back in an over dramatic groan. “Steve! So many people have called me Mr. Rogers tonight I’m going to fall into an identity crisis.” 

You give him an ill-suppressed smile. “Thank you, Steve.” He sits down in the barstool next to you and waves the bartender over. 

“Water for me and…” He glances at the empty glass in front of you, “another glass of wine for her?” His voice ends in a question and he smiles brightly when you nod. 

“I could be wrong, but aren’t you supposed to be flirting with rich women to fund your pro bono cases?” You run a finger around the base of your glass. 

Steve’s eyes trail from your manicured nails up to your teasing smile. He swallows and forces out a soft laugh. “I’m not too good at the flirting that’s uh-.” He looks over his shoulder before looking back at you with kind eyes. 

You ignore his insinuation. Ignore the idea of Bucky and Steve feeling pity for you over Bucky. “Everyone deserves a break.” 

The man in front of you gives you a relieved smile. “And what better way to take a break than talk to a pretty girl?” 

You smile sweetly. “You could get 100k easily with that charm.” Steve throws his head back in a laugh and his arm lands on the back of your seat when he leans back in. 

You find yourself leaning in too. He’s got a nice laugh and sweet personality. You can feel the warmth radiating off of him and it’s relaxing. 

For a moment, Bucky is forgotten as Steve gives you all his attention, the first person to do so all night.

》•

Bucky stops to stand next to Sam as he takes a sip of his drink. His eyes scan over the party in search of you. 

“Good for Steve.” Sam says into his glass before taking a sip of his drink. Bucky’s eyes cut to him in question. Sam nods in front of him and Bucky’s eyes settle on you at the bar. With Steve. 

“What do you mean good for Steve?” Bucky asks. He can’t take his eyes off of you as Steve slides a glass of wine towards you. 

Sam shrugs nonchalantly. “He’s had a crush on her since that Halloween party last year.” 

Bucky’s mind drifts to you in your skin tight superhero costume. He wasn’t blind, he had seen the guys who had come up to you and their eyes that had trailed after you. 

“He hasn’t said anything to me.” He feels a surge of pride at the fact that he can’t explain when he thinks of how at the end of the night, you had come home alone with him, content to sit on the couch and watch horror movies. “He’s not her type.” He adds on after a moment of silence. 

Bucky isn’t too confident in his words though. Steve seemed to be the perfect kind of guy for you. Kind, funny, made good money, and was always the guy who listened with open ears. Bucky just couldn’t fathom you with anybody that… He doesn’t know, but he knows Steve doesn’t feel right.

Sam snorts. “Yeah. Try telling you about wanting to take her out? He’d rather live.” Bucky watches as Steve leans in closer to whisper something into your ear. 

He feels rage surge through him, but forces himself to stay in his spot. “Not like we’re dating. He could have told me if he wanted to. Or made a move.” He wasn’t sure why he felt so angry about you and Steve. It wasn’t like you two were dating, he hadn’t lied to Sam.

Sam looks at Bucky like he’s grown two heads. “Come on, Buck. Not dating? You call her all these nicknames, never let other people flirt with her, always take her home.” 

“We live together.” Bucky defends weakly. His mind drifts to kissing you while wine drunk. He shakes his head. “Of course I take her home.” 

Sam looks a little bemused as he asks, “Are you two seriously not dating?” 

“Of course not! She’s my best friend.” He glances at Sam before looking back over at Steve. You’re leaning in too. It’s not like he was lying, the two of you weren’t dating. But he had brought you as his date tonight and he’ll be damned if Steve weasels his way into your heart. 

“I was just cur-“ Bucky shoves his empty glass into Sam’s hand before beginning to make his way through the crowd towards you. 

He can vaguely hear Sam shout a goodbye, but all he can focus on is getting your attention onto him and off of Steve. 

》

You feel him before you see him. His hand trailing up your back before landing on the spot where your neck meets your shoulder. His grip isn’t tight, but it makes you shiver. 

“What’s going on here?” His voice is a possessive drawl and you look up at him with a confused smile. 

You sit up straighter and Steve immediately pulls away. His blue eyes follow Bucky’s arm to his face and they narrow. “Just keeping her company. Noticed you were busy, so…” Steve trails off with a shrug.

Bucky’s grip on you tightens. “Well, I’m here now. You can go back to schmoozing.” He nods his head in the direction of the party, but Steve doesn’t budge. 

You’re extremely confused by Bucky’s sudden possessiveness over your attention and turn to him with an annoyed glare. “Actually, Steve was telling me about how that’s your specialty. He’s far too sweet to mindlessly flirt. ” 

You feel Steve’s shocked gaze on you, because he had definitely not said that, but you don’t look away from Bucky. His glare melts into a sickly sweet smile as he turns to look at his childhood friend. “That so?” 

Part of you feels bad for pushing Steve into the middle of whatever this tension was between you and Bucky. But you can’t ignore the pleasure that rushes through you as Bucky’s grip tightens and his attention focuses solely on you for the first time all night. 

Steve looks back and forth between you two before he stands from his seat. “It was nice seeing you.” He leans down and presses a kiss to your cheek before slapping a hand against Bucky’s back. “See you later, punk.”

You swallow as Bucky moves to take Steve’s now unoccupied seat. He orders a drink and you can only watch in shock as moves around so casually. When he finally looks back at you he just looks confused by your silence. 

“What’s up?” He asks with a smile. 

You roll your eyes at him. “What was that?” You gesture in the direction Steve had gone before looking at him with wide eyes. 

Bucky looks down at his drink and shrugs. “Didn’t want anyone bothering you.” 

“Anyone bothering me? That was Steve!” You laugh incredulously. “I know Steve. You know Steve. He was keeping me company.” You can’t wrap your head around his random behavior. 

Bucky shakes his head like you’re the one who’s being confusing and acting weird. “You just looked a little uncomfortable. I came to your rescue.” He gulps down the rest of his drink. 

“My rescue?” You shake your head at him. “Buck, it was Steve. Steve Rogers is one of the most polite men in New York.” 

Bucky shakes his head. “He likes you. Sam said he was definitely trying to make a move on you.” He immediately feels bad for blurting out Steve’s secret, but he just can’t let it go. 

You scrunch your face up in confusion before letting out a breath. “That’s not your secret to tell.” You grab your clutch and stand up quickly. “Why would that even matter anyways?” You look down at him now, he’s still sitting on the barstool. He won’t look up at you.

“Can we just go home?” He asks quietly as he taps his fingers against the bar counter. You bite down on your lip before finally nodding. “Fine.” He lets out a sigh before standing to follow you. 

You’re shocked when you feel his fingers slip in between yours as the two of you walk towards the elevators. Holding hands with Bucky wasn’t new, per say, you’d done it at bars to get out of creepy guys flirting with you, amusement parks so as to not lose one another, but this… This felt different, softer and more insecure. 

You swallow before squeezing his hand in return. You hear the relieved breath he lets out as the two of you stop in front of the closed elevator doors. 

He whispers your name with a tug of your hand. You turn to look at him as the two of you step into the empty elevator. “I didn’t… I didn’t mean to screw things up with Steve. I just… I don’t know.” 

Your heart breaks a little. You weren’t sure what you expected. Maybe an admission of jealousy, that Bucky realized he didn't want you with Steve or any other guy, he wanted you with him. But the words never came and you feel stupid for letting your hopes get the best of you.

You shrug. “It’s fine, Buck.” The elevator is slow in its descent. You almost groan when you see how high you are and the fifteen floors left to go down. “I don’t like Steve… I just… It was nice to have some company. You were busy all night.” 

You try to hide the emotion in your voice, but Bucky can hear it. He can see it too, written on your face as you try to keep your eyes on the descending numbers. 

Your words cause a wave of relief to crash over him. You didn’t like Steve. You didn’t like Steve. He felt bad for his friend, but not bad enough to stop his next move.

He tugs at your hand again. The elevator is almost all the way down if you could just ignore him for a few more seconds-

His lips are on yours before you even have a chance to think about why he’s pulling you towards him. You’re still with shock, your hands clasped between you two, as Bucky kisses you. 

You don’t kiss back, too stunned to. Bucky pulls back when the elevator finally dings and you try to rush out only to be stopped when you realize you’re still attached to Bucky’s hand. 

“What the fuck was that?” You hiss. “You can’t just… Just flip out about Steve flirting, tell me you’re not jealous and then kiss me!” You yell.

Bucky swallows thickly and glances around the empty lobby. “I… It…”

You stare at him with lifted brows waiting for an explanation. “You need to figure your shit out, Buck. I said I was fine if you wanted it to be a one time thing but I’m not here for you to yank around.” 

“I’m not trying to yank you around!” Bucky defends. “I just… What if it wasn’t just a one time thing?” He asks quietly, his voice almost a whisper. 

You want to cry. “Wh...What?” You ask with a shake of your head. 

“I feel like such a dick.” He admits taking a hesitant step closer to you. When you don’t move away, he places a hand on your cheek. “Stuff with work has been so stressful lately and… and I never have the time or energy to do anything. The other night, with you, was the most relaxed I’ve been in a while.” 

“What are you saying?” 

“I’ve been thinking of us helping each other out.” 

“Like a friends with benefits thing?” You blurt out when you realize where he was going with this. 

He nods. “I just… Got to thinking after you left that morning. It was great sex, best I’ve had in a while.” You swallow and your eyes dart away a little embarrassed. “And I know you and don’t have to worry about you giving me some disease. We live together and we wouldn’t have to go out or wait for some random hook up.” 

You can’t really wrap your head around his words. “But you don’t want… You don’t want to have a relationship?” 

“You know me.” He laughs tensely. “Not a relationship guy. I love you, you’re my best friend, but-“

“That’s good.” Your blurt, already regretting the words. “I mean, I love you, you’re my best friend too, you know? Neither of us really have time for one anyways and… Life is stressful.” 

“You… You want to? Do the benefits thing?” Bucky looks like he can’t believe that you’re agreeing. Quite honestly, you can’t really believe the words coming out of your mouth either. 

Because you liked Bucky. You had for so long now it felt like it was a piece of you. You were sure you loved him. You were sure he didn’t feel the same way and this… This was a way to be with him, no matter how fucked up it may be. 

And life was stressful. A full time job with New York City rent and bills. You hated going out. You hate hook ups, they always left you disgruntled and disappointed. Bucky had… Bucky had been good. The best, probably. And it would be nice to have someone other than yourself every once in a while. 

“Yeah.” You whisper. “I… I want to. I’m kind of sick of my hand.” 

Bucky snorts then laughs and it immediately calms you down. He was still your Bucky. Just with the added bonus of sex. “Me too, sweets.” 

He presses a kiss to your forehead and pulls you into a hug. You suck in a deep breath. “I think you said something about going home.” You mumble into his suit jacket. 

“Yeah.” He whispers back, tilting your chin up to look up. He smirks down at you. “I did.” 

》

“Fuck. Fuck.” You moan as Bucky kisses down your chest. “Please, Buck.” You whimper when his right hand comes up and begins to play with your nipple. 

He doesn’t respond, his tongue flicking over your other nipple. You’re arching your back into him, it feels good, but you want more. His left hand is settled on your hip and you want it on you in a different way. 

You groan when he pulls away to look at you. “What do you want, sweetheart? You gotta tell me or I won’t be able to give it to you.” His tone is sweet, but he’s looking at you with blown pupils and a cocky smile. 

“Your fingers, Buck, please.” You try to lift your hips up a little, but his left hand keeps you pressed against his mattress. You look at him pleadingly when he still doesn’t move. “Please, James.” You murmur. 

You didn’t call him by his first name often, he had introduced himself as Bucky and you hadn’t even learned it until a few months later. Sometimes you pulled it out to tease him, but tonight… You wanted to see if it would push him. 

“Fuck.” He mutters, leaning over you and beginning to press a line of kisses down your stomach all the way to your pelvic bone. “Fuck, that’s hot. Say it again.” 

You throw your head back in a moan when his hand begins to rub you through your panties. “James. I need you to-“ 

“Gonna give you more than my fingers, sweets.” He hooks fingers in the waistband of your panties and yanks them down. “Finally gonna get a taste of you, if that’s okay.” He glances at you and you nod hastily.

“God. Yes, please.” Your eyes flutter shut as his hands force your thighs open. His grip on you is tight and harsh and makes your entire body tingle. 

“So pretty.” He murmurs just watching you. If you weren’t so turned on you would be embarrassed by his stare, but his words just make you even more desperate for him. He settles on his stomach, head between your thighs. He begins to bite and kiss his way up your inner thigh. “Been thinking about this since you let me fuck you, sweetheart.” He admits in a murmur before finally putting his mouth on you. “Thinking about how you taste.”

“Oh shit.” You moan, a combination of the pleasure of his tongue and his words giving you butterflies. “Yes. Fuck.” 

“Knew you’d taste good.” He moans, the words go straight to your core and he knows it. He knows what he’s doing. His hands gripping at your hips tightly, thumbs rubbing calming circles into your skin. He flicks his tongue over your sensitive spot and your back arches. “So good.” You murmur breathily. Your hands are clutching the bed sheets as you try to grind your hips up. 

Bucky pulls one hand away, it gives you a little more freedom to move but not much, and begins to tease you with a finger. 

“Yes. Please, your fingers.” You beg him. Bucky chuckles against you, sending hot breath and a small vibration straight to your core. It feels good, he’s good. 

He pulls away slightly and you whine. “Come on, sweets.” He urges, pushing his finger into you. You moan at the feeling. “What happened to calling me James? Said I liked it.” He adds another, your slick heat allowing them easily.

“James.” You look down at him with blown pupils. Bucky almost comes right there, his fingers inside of you, your chest heaving and you looking at him like that. “James. Please. Want your mouth on me again.” 

Now that you’ve started saying his name, it’s like you can’t stop. The name tumbles out of your mouth like a prayer. He rewards you for it though, his mouth is back on you, licking over you steadily, and you can feel the tension in your stomach the closer and closer you get. 

“So good.” Bucky murmurs into your skin. You moan out again. “Gonna come for me, sweetheart?” He pulls away to ask, his breath fanning across your skin. Your hips buck up towards him in desperation and Bucky groans. “Come on, sweets. Can you come for me? Please.” 

He curves his fingers and flicks his tongue over your already sensitive bud again and your back arches. “Fuck. Fuck.” You moan as your orgasm washes over you. Bucky works you through it and your legs are shaking by the time he pulls his mouth away to smile cheekily at you. 

“I like it when you call me James.” He whispers as he crawls up towards you. You roll you eyes with a tired smile. He fingers trace circles over you stomach. “You tired?”

You nod your head. Your eyes trail over his body, his hard dick making an obvious tent in his briefs. You smirk at him, your hand moving to trail down from his stomach to his dick. Bucky moans as your hand grips him. 

“Still want you to fuck me though.”

》•

Bucky thinks maybe the two of you should establish some ground rules. No dates, if you sleep with somebody else let the other know, use protection, don’t fall asleep together. 

But he can’t imagine the two of you not having your regular Sunday breakfasts together after his runs or forcing you out of his room when the two of you had shared beds long before this ever happened. 

So, he ignores it. He decides to enjoy your warmth in his bed and assumes you’re not seeing anybody else. It’s good. It works, even if his friends think he’s being an idiot. 

Steve is on one side while Sam is on his other and they’ve both been standing in silence now that Bucky has finished explaining what happened when the two of you left the party.

He feels bad when he sees Sam’s eyes flicker to Steve in confusion, but Steve’s face holds more pity than annoyance. It makes Bucky feel uncomfortable in his spot as he takes a sip of water.

“I don’t understand why you’re not calling her your girlfriend.” Steve finally says. 

Bucky rolls his shoulders with an annoyed sigh. “I just said. We’re both busy with work and friends, there’s no time for relationships. This works for the both of us. We don’t have to rely on shitty hookups and we trust each other.” 

Steve gives Bucky a look that screams you’re an idiot while Sam just laughs loudly. “You have to know how ridiculous that sounds, dude.” Sam slaps a hand against Bucky’s back. “You guys live together. You have all the time in the world to actually date each other. I thought you guys were dating each other with how you act. you’re having sex now and you still won’t call her your girlfriend?” He asks incredulously. 

“I...I don’t want a relationship. It leads to marriage and kids and fights.” Bucky shudders. “No thanks. This way I get great sex and my best friend.”

Steve sighs heavily. “She deserves better than that, Buck. You know that.” His voice is full of disappointment. The same tone Bucky has been getting for years when it came to his relationships. 

“Like you?” His tone is defensive and his words are meaner than they should be. Bucky knows all Steve wants is for his friends to be happy. “She’s a grown woman. She can decide who she wants to have sex with.” 

“Come on, Buck. You’re not an idiot. She’s had a crush on you for years.” Steve lets out an exasperated sigh. “This is a great way to drive her away and lose her for good.” 

“I’m not-”

“All,” Steve raises his voice to cut Bucky off, “I’m saying is she’ll figure out this isn’t what she wants and find someone who can give it to her. Then you’ll be left in the dust realizing what an idiot you were for letting your irrational fears talk you out of being with her.”

Bucky runs his tongue over his lips. “Who? Are you gonna steal her?” 

Steve rolls his eyes. “Will it be stealing when you’re the one who drives her away?”

》

His bed is empty when you wake up, but that’s no surprise, you knew Bucky ran Sunday mornings with the guys. You almost expect to feel more shame or pain over falling into this friends with benefits thing. But, you feel okay. Bucky was still your best friend. Just with mind-blowing sex. He didn’t kick you out at night and didn’t seem put off by you. 

Your phone vibrates somewhere in his room from the inside of your clutch. You groan and finally move to sit up. Bucky has picked your things up and folded everything into a neat pile on the top of his dresser. Your clutch is sitting on the top of the pile and you can see the vibrations of your phone shaking it slightly. 

You pick his shirt up from the floor and slide it on before reaching for your underwear underneath the clutch. 

When you pull your phone out you see a few missed calls from Wanda, one last night the one you’ve just missed. You crawl into Bucky’s bed again and call her back. 

“Hey!” You smile at Wanda’s voice. “I called you last night, but I forgot you had that lawyer thing.” You can imagine her nose scrunching up in disgust at the idea. 

You mess with a loose thread on the comforter. “Yeah. Buck dragged me along.” There’s silence on the other end. You sigh heavily. “Shit. Wanda. You’ll never guess what I did last night.” 

Your eyes take in the room. Bucky doesn’t have many decorations or knick knacks, but he has a couple pictures sitting on his nightstand. You move to his side of the bed and pick one of them up. 

“You go home together?” Wanda doesn’t need to guess, there’s a twinge of disappointment in her voice but all you can focus on is the sadness you hear. Like she’s just hurting for you at this point. 

You stare down at the photo in your hand. It’s from Bucky’s last birthday. “We live together.” You defect. The photo is the two of you sitting at your kitchen counter with two glasses of wine in front of you. The wine is red and you can faintly see it staining both of your lips. His arm is wrapped loosely around your waist and you’re pressing a kiss his cheek. The photo makes your heart ache. “You sleep in your room?” Wanda laughs. You drop the photo on the bed in front of you. “You’ve gotta tell him. Tell him how you feel, really.” She urges you. 

You’re shaking your head even though she can’t see you. “It’ll ruin everything.” You say quietly. Losing him would be worse than loving him like this. “We... We agreed on a benefits thing last night. I think it can work.” 

“That’s a great way to get hurt.” Wanda says. You glance at the other picture he has sitting on his nightstand. 

It’s a photo of him and Steve. The two of them are children standing with hands wrapped tightly around the straps of their backpacks and they’ve got bright smiles on their faces. You smile at the sight, both boys happy, carefree and full of life.

Bucky’s left arm is still flesh in the photograph. He doesn’t talk about the accident much, he had come out with one arm and a completely changed person. Sometimes you wonder if things would be different if it had never happened.

You hear the front door slam shut. “I’ve gotta go! I’ll talk to you later.” You hang up before Wanda can say anything else. You leave the picture frame sitting in the bed, moving quickly from Bucky’s room to your own. 

》•

Bucky’s bedroom door is open when he gets home, but you’re nowhere to be found. Your clothes still sit on his dresser and there’s a picture frame partially covered by his comforter that makes Bucky pause.

It’s his favorite picture of you two, wine stained lips and happiness radiating off of you. He wonders what had made you grab it and what had made you drop it. Steve’s words come to mind she’s had a crush on you for years. 

Bucky wasn’t an idiot. He had seen the nervous smiles and bright eyes in college, he had done everything he could to stay just friends with you and it had seemed to work. You had moved on. Boyfriends and flings had come and gone, your eyes had shifted into a caring stare and you stopped nervously fidgeting with your hands around him, so Bucky had assumed your crush went away. Even now there was nothing that really stood out as you liking him. It sounded like Steve was making assumptions to mess with Bucky’s head. And it was working.

He stares at the picture for another moment before placing it back on his nightstand. Bucky wasn’t afraid of relationships, Steve was wrong, he just hated how they ended. He wasn’t afraid of holding hands or expensive dates, he was afraid of the unavoidable hurt and falling out of love that would cause him to lose you.

He couldn’t lose you.

“Bucky?” Your voice jolts him from his thoughts and his head turns from the photo to you, standing in his doorway in nothing but his t-shirt and a pair shorts. “What should we order for lunch?”

Bucky lets out a deep breath before smiling up at you. “We should get some wraps from that cafe down the block.”

“That sounds good.” You smile. Your eyes move over him and Bucky has to look away. You’ve always been good at studying him and knowing if something was up. “Everything okay?”

Bucky shakes his head. “I’m just thinking.” He offers a tense smile that makes you step further into his room. Bucky’s eyes move from your bare feet up your legs to your face that’s watching him with concerned eyes.

“That can’t be good.” You tease as you take a seat next to him. You rest your head against his shoulder and Bucky feels a little calmer with you next to him. “What’s got you spacing out like that, Buck?” You ask gently.

“You’re not…” Bucky swallows thickly and looks down at his lap. “You’re not gonna leave me, right? This isn’t gonna fuck us up?”

He feels you tense against his side and begins to panic until your hand intwines with his. “Not if we promise not to let it fuck us up. You’re my best friend, Buck. I don’t wanna lose you either.”

“I promise.” Bucky squeezes your hand. “Do you?”

You squeeze his hand in return, but don’t say anything. Bucky takes the action as promise enough.

》•

Days turn into weeks which turn into months and suddenly it’s November, fall in New York becoming winter much sooner than expected. The cold bites at your cheeks and seeps into your bones. Bucky becomes your warmth despite the constant ache in your heart at what you really are to him. 

Bucky comes into your room or you sneak into his. You ignore the looks from your friends when you all go out and don’t heed to any of Wanda’s advice.

The lines are blurred to you, because it feels like you’re in a relationship. It’s almost like you’ve fallen into one naturally. It’s not just secret sex in the middle of the night. It’s all your normal things, reading together on Sundays and watching your favorite show together Saturday nights. Only now it’s started to include footsie and make-out sessions.

There are some nights the two of you go out, whether it to be to dinner or to see a new movie, and they feel like dates. Bucky never lets you pay and holds your hand in the theater.

You almost want to ask him Why. Why aren’t we official? Why can’t you call me your girlfriend? But you’re far too afraid. For every small gesture that feels like love, there are nights out with your friends where Bucky ignores your existence or awkward introductions to coworkers you run into at the movie theater. 

Life moves on though. Day by day. Even if feels like you’re on a train moving full steam ahead towards a wall and impact is inevitable. 

It’s nice to have a taste of what it could be like to have him. 

》•

It blows up on a Thursday night, at eight thirty-two pm, to be exact. 

Bucky didn’t feel like cooking, he was relieved when you had suggested going out to grab dinner, but now he just wishes the two of you had stayed home.

There’s a tense and awkward silence as the two of you walk home. You’re about ten feet in front of him and not talking at all, it honestly looks more like he’s some creep following you home at this point. If he weren’t so upset he would probably laugh at the scene. 

If Bucky had just kept his mouth shut.

“Oh my god.” You groan, slouching down in your seat and covering your face with your hands. “Fuck.”

Bucky looks between you and the entrance of the restaurant confused by your sudden annoyance. “What’s wrong?” He asks leaning towards you.

“I went to high school with that girl.” You whisper. “We were friends until I stole her boyfriend.” You roll your eyes.

Bucky chokes on his drink mid-sip. “You stole her boyfriend? Right on! I didn’t know you had that in you.” He laughs, completely shocked by the idea of a you in high school who steals guys when all he’s ever known is the sweet, loyal girl.

“I didn’t actually steal her boyfriend!” You hiss. Bucky notices the girl do a double take when her eyes catch on you. “He broke up with her and asked me to prom two weeks later so she assumed I stole him. She hated me and made the last few months of senior year absolute shit for me.” You explain slipping further into your seat before taking a heavy sip of wine.

“Incoming.” He chuckles as she makes a beeline for your table. You sit up ramrod straight when her hand lands on your shoulder and your name comes out in a fake giggle.

“Eliza.” Your smile is equally as fake as you stand up to offer her a quick hug. “How are you?” Bucky watches with amused eyes as Eliza launches into a story about her boyfriend, who’s watching the scene with bored eyes from across the restaurant.

He smiles awkwardly when the two of you turn to face him. “This is my boyfriend, Bucky.” You smile tightly at the woman and Bucky watches uncomfortably as she trails her eyes over him. “Really?” Eliza asks.

“Just friends, actually.” Bucky can’t stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth with an awkward laugh.

Your eyes narrow at him before they flicker away. Bucky watches in what feels like slow motion as your shoulders hunch in and you close yourself off, absolutely embarrassed as Eliza turns to you with a proud smirk. “Is that right?” Her tone is nasty and Bucky is filled with regret immediately, but there’s nothing he can do because you’re grabbing your purse and jacket and storming away.

Eliza smiles at him. “She’s always been one for the dramatics.” Bucky shakes his head as he pulls out some bills and leaves them on the table, moving the chase after you. “Thanks.” He says to the woman sarcastically as he pushes past her.

That had lead him here, trailing after you silently, as you fume from a distance. “Sweetheart, come on.” Bucky pleads. The words make you freeze and spin around to face him. 

Bucky stumbles backwards as you walk towards him with fury in your eyes and your finger pointed at him accusingly. “Don’t call me that.” 

“I’ve always called you sweetheart,” Bucky frowns. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I just-”

“You didn’t embarrass me, James.” Bucky flinches as you spit out his first name like it’s poison. “You humiliated me. Was it really that big a deal? That I introduced you as my boyfriend? Does the idea of dating me disgust you that much?” 

Bucky throws his hands out in front of him in a defensive gesture. “No! I just... We’re not dating. You know that!” He shakes his head. “I mean, dating you doesn’t disgust me... I just... You know?” 

You raise your eyebrows at him. “No. I don’t know.” You say coldly. “It’s not like we’re not dating. You have to see that.” 

“See what?” Bucky asks, completely exasperated. “We do everything we used to do and sometimes have sex.” 

“Oh my god!” Your laugh sounds manic as you pause and look up at the sky like you’re searching for an answer. “Have you ever thought that maybe we weren’t ever just friends, Bucky? That we didn’t act like normal best friends do?” You cross your arms and look back at him. 

Yes. Bucky thinks immediately. “No!” He swallows. “I’ve always seen you as my best friend! Never... Never...” He’s dug himself a deeper and deeper hole every time he’s opened his mouth, but this is the nail in his coffin. He says your name gently, but you’re already backing away, hurt all over your face. 

“I guess I read everything wrong then.” You say quietly. “These stupid dates and us falling asleep together at night. All the holding hands and cuddling, right?” Your voice is filled with wet emotion and Bucky is sure if it wasn’t so dark outside he would see tears brimming your eyes. “You do that with all your friends. I mean nothing.”

“That’s not what I said!” Bucky exclaims. “You know you’re one of the most important women in my life. Please. Don’t do this.” He pleads. 

“I’m done. Okay? This stupid benefits thing? These friend dates, Sunday mornings together, movies? Done with all of it.” You hiss. You suck in a deep breath, like you’re preparing to deliver the final blow. Bucky braces himself. “You wanna be just friends? I’ll do you one better, we can be just roommates. That way there’s no confusion.”

Bucky can only stand still, watching as you walk away. 

》

Wanda has a kind enough heart to not say I told you so, when you show on her doorstep with mascara running down your cheeks. She just pulls you inside by your arm and wraps her softest blanket around your shoulders. 

“What happened?” She places a cup of tea on her coffee table in front of you. You can vaguely hear Vision trying to move around in the kitchen as quietly as possible. There’s an unspoken question that lingers in the air. What did Bucky do?

You sniffle. “We ran into Eliza tonight.” Wanda’s eyes widen and you nod. “I… I introduced Bucky as my boyfriend. It just slipped out, but he totally panicked and corrected me right to her face. I was so humiliated, I bolted.”

Wanda takes the seat beside you on the couch. “That’s awful. I can’t believe that idiot,” she hisses the word, “couldn’t put aside his dumb fears for five seconds and just have your back.”

You rub your eyes harshly. “That’s not the worst part of the night. I think the worst part was when he reiterated we were just friends and that he’s never seen me as anything more than that.” 

Wanda’s mouth drops open in shock and you can even hear Vision murmur something along the lines of oh shit in the kitchen. 

“Good way to get hurt, huh?” You reiterate Wanda’s words from weeks ago and her face falls into a look a pity. “I’m so stupid. Why did I even agree to doing benefits with him?”

“We all do dumb things when we love someone.” She says soothingly as she rubs her hand across your back. “I know this hurts, but look at the silver lining. Now you can move on, for real. Bucky’s made his intentions clear and you can find someone better.” 

You look at her sadly. “What if there isn’t someone better?” You almost choke on your own breath as you talk through your tears. “What if no one makes me feel that way?”

Wanda shakes her head and reaches up to grip your chin between her fingertips. It forces you to look into her blazing eyes. “Bucky’s nothing more than a man with commitment issues. We’re in New York City, there are millions of them. And for every Bucky, there’s a…a…”

“Vision.” You offer up with a teasing smile. Wanda blushes, but nods. “There’s a Vision. And yours is out there, he was just waiting for Bucky to fuck up.” 

You let out a choke laugh. “Yeah…” You trail off. “Can I crash here? I don’t think I can-“

“-Of course.” Wanda cuts you off. “For as long as you need.”

》

Bucky doesn’t even want to go inside. He just stands outside his apartment door staring blankly at the lock. It doesn’t feel like home without you there. 

You haven’t been home in three days and if it weren’t for your instagram stories with Wanda and Vision, Bucky would think you were dead.

You haven’t reached out at all, he isn’t sure if you had come by the apartment to grab personal things and when he had asked the guys if they had heard from you, Steve had just given him an I told you this would happen lecture. 

Bucky feels like a fucking idiot. Bucky is a fucking idiot. He shoves his key into the lock with a sigh. 

“Bucky?” A voice calls out. It makes him freeze in the doorway. It’s your voice. He’s sure it is. Nobody else had a key to the apartment. You pop out of the kitchen with a smile. “It is you!”

Your demeanor has done a complete flip. There’s no harsh stare or fiery eyes, just smiles. It leaves his head spinning. For the past three days he’s been trying to figure out how to make things better and you’re…fine? 

“He…hey.” He pushes the word out. “Um. What are you doing here?” 

Your brows furrow. “I live here?” You laugh softly before turning back into the kitchen. Bucky follows you dumbly, completely awestruck by your sudden reappearance. 

“I thought… I thought you were mad at me?” He asks hesitantly. 

“I was. Now I’m not.” You shrug. You move around the kitchen easily, putting groceries away that Bucky hadn’t even noticed with his entire focus on you. 

He moves towards you. “Sweetheart-“

You interrupt him with your name and suddenly the fire is back in your eyes. Oh. This isn’t Bucky’s best friend coming back into his life. 

It’s his roommate coming back home. 

Just like you had promised. 

》•

Bucky tries to catch you some days. He’ll tilt his head in an attempt to force your eyes to meet his while you talk about nothing after he gets home from work. 

You always avoid them, terrified one look into the blue you’ve loved for so long and you’ll crumble at his feet. You chatter about nothing important, the weather outside and your neighbor upstairs who always stomps around at four in the morning. 

Bucky always listens intently and you begin to feel a little guilty for cutting him out completely. You just needed some time to get over him, then one day you could come home and watch Law and Order with him again and cook dinner together. 

But for now, you pretend he’s nothing more than a roommate and like you’re not desperately in love with him. 

It’ll work. It has to work. 

》

Your name is like honey coming from Steve’s lips. He’s got a kind smile on his face as he hands over your coffee. He had slipped behind you in line at the coffee shop with a sheepish hello.

“You didn’t have to do that.” You say softly as you take it from him. “I can pay for my own coffee.” You can see the ingredients scribbled onto the side of his paper cup and it makes you smile into your sip.

Steve Rogers had a sweet tooth. 

“Day off? Or just a break?” You hold the coffee shop door open for him to follow you out onto the street. Steve gives you a thankful smile. 

“Break. I’m heading back to the office now.” He takes a sip of his drink. There were two weeks left of November and the streets of New York were doing their annual flip. Christmas lights going up too early and gloomy skies overhead.

You walk beside him, one hand shoved into your pocket. “Mind if I walk with you? I’m off today and I am so bored just sitting around the apartment.” 

“Not at all!” Steve answers quickly. There’s a slight flush on his cheeks that you attribute to the wind nipping at both your cheeks. “I could use the company of someone other than corporate lawyers.” 

You laugh at his dramatic eye roll. “You know most of your friends work at that firm.” Steve gives you an unapologetic smile. “Two friends and I can admit they can both be dicks sometimes.” 

He looks at you like he knows something and you swallow, turning to look straight ahead of you. “I disagree.” You finally say after a moment. He looks down at you with furrowed eyebrows. “Sam is always a sweetheart.”

That startles a laugh out of Steve, who looks at you with a shine in his eyes. He shakes his head and looks down at the sidewalk in front of him. “You okay? I know that-“ 

“-I’m fine.” You cut him off. You look up at him with a half smile. “And we don’t have to talk about it. In fact, let’s not.” You force out a laugh and Steve nods slowly.

You end up walking the rest of the way in a comfortable silence. Steve has a reassuring presence, something you don’t think you’ve ever even realized until now. Warmth radiates off of his body and his eyes give everything he feels away. Steve is a good apple. At least that’s what your grandmother would say if she had met him.

“This is me.” Steve says softly as he slows to a stop outside the corporate building. If you look around you’ll notice every building near by looks almost exactly the same. “Thanks for walking with me.” He says softly with a nervous smile.

You smile back. “Thanks for buying me coffee.” You hold it up towards him as if to show him. “And for letting me tag along.”

Steve shakes his head. You’re sure he has to get back to work soon, you know their days are usually full and small breaks like this were just that - small. “You don’t have to thank me. I… I like hanging out with you. You’re cool.” He scrunches his nose up when he realizes what he’s just said but you giggle.

“Cool?” You ask with a teasing smile. Steve looks down at his feet with red dusting his cheeks. “I think you’re cool too.” The words are soft as you nudge his boot clad foot with yours.

Steve looks up with bright eyes. “Yeah?” You nod and he smiles to himself. “We should… We should hang out more.” He suggests hesitantly.

Your eyes widen as you look at him. Steve looks about two seconds away from being sick with nerves and it’s sweet. Completely and utterly tooth rottingly sweet that someone is this nervous around you. Your heart picks up at him wanting to hang out more.

“Like dates?” You question quietly. Steve turns a bright shade of right and you’re reminded of Bucky blurting his secret out weeks ago. “I would like that.” You don’t give him a chance to respond to your first question.

He smiles so bright that you’re blinded by it. “Yeah?” You nod with a small smile. “Yeah. Now go back to work!” You shove his shoulder lightly which makes him laugh. “You have my number.”

He’s nodding happily as he backs away. “I do! I’ll text you?”

“Please!” You laugh as he pushes through the glass doors backwards, almost running over a women. He smiles awkwardly at her before facing you once again. You wave as he disappears into the crowd of people. 

When he’s out of sight you let out a sigh. He was kind and incredibly endearing. Steve was a man every woman would be lucky to date. Why did you feel so guilty for flirting then? 

You know why. 

You ignore it.

》

Bucky watches with pursed lips from his spot by the front desk as you and Steve chat outside. He tries his best to read lips, but your both standing at an angle that makes it near impossible.

“You’re not creepy at all.” The voice makes him jump and he turns to look at Sam, leaning against the opposite side of the reception desk. Martha, the woman who runs the desk, looks between them in amusement. “Steve is some kind of psychic, huh?” He snorts.

Bucky turns his glare onto Sam. “It’s not my fault they’re out there for everyone to see.” He snaps before turning his eyes back on the scene in front of him.

Sam laughs loudly and Bucky watches his Steve embarrasses himself by running into a girl leaving the building. He would feel better about it, if he couldn’t see you smiling brightly at the man.

Bucky loves Steve, but he wants nothing more than to punch him in the face for not staying away from you. Even though Bucky is fully aware you’re both adults with minds of you own, he had never imagined Steve would actually sweep you off your feet.

When Steve makes his way towards Sam and Bucky, Sam has got a cheesy smile on his face and Bucky can do nothing but glare. “Got myself a date, boys.” He smacks a hand against Bucky’s back.

“It’s like… She was run right into my arms.” He smirks before making his way towards the elevator. Sam follows behind Steve with another loud laugh.

Bucky is left standing in the lobby alone. He watches your form retreat across the street and sighs. He had made a mess of things, huh?

》

You can’t get the dress to zip up all the way. You’ve tried a multitude of angles, from pulling the dress up and trying to reach it over your shoulder to almost breaking your arm at an awkward angle.

You sigh in defeat as you stand in front of your mirror. You can hear Bucky in his room across the hall, music playing a little too loud and his footsteps around the room. He’s got his cleaning playlist on, it forces a small smile to appear on your face.

You suck in a deep breath. Roommates helped each other with zippers. It was normal, Bucky could help you with a zipper.

“Bucky.” You knock softly on his door. There’s no answer, he probably can’t hear anything over the music. You knock harder. “Bucky?” The music stops and you suck in a nervous breath.

His door flies open and his eyes widen when he sees you standing in the half zipped dress. His eyes narrow. “What’s up?”

Your fingers fidget in front of your stomach as you look at him nervously. “Can you… Can you help me zip the rest of the way? I just can’t get it.” You admit sheepishly.

Bucky nods. “Turn around.” He orders softly and you do as he says. His fingers find the zipper stuck halfway up your back and your breath hitches. You think you hear his do the same as he begins to pull it up slowly.

It’s a tense silence as his hands rest on your back for a second too long. When he drops them back to his side, you turn to look at him. He shuts his eyes tightly and sighs. “Listen. About what happened-“

There’s a knock at your door that makes you step away. You look at Bucky apologetically. “I’m sorry. I’ve got to go.” You take a few stumbling steps away.

You feel his eyes on you as you move through the apartment and collect your purse and jacket. When you open the door, Steve is standing there with flowers and it makes you pause.

Bucky’s bedroom door slams shut when you pull the flowers into your own hand. His music starts playing again as you get them into water. You and Steve smile awkwardly at each other.

When Steve’s hand lands on your lower back to guide you out of the building, all you can think is Bucky’s hands there earlier, warmer and somehow softer, you try to ignore how wrong it feels.

You were moving on. It would get better.

》•

Bucky’s pathetic. That much he knows. Four drinks in and he’s missing you desperately. All he can think about is Steve’s hand on your back and how you look in that red dress.

Did you know it was Steve’s favorite color? Is that why you had worn it? He had seen the black lace of your bra underneath when zipping the dress for you, had you worn that on purpose too? 

He feels like he’s hit rock bottom. Like it can’t get worse than this. His best friend on a date with his other best friend who he wasn’t talking to anymore because he wanted a friends with benefits thing. 

I had other friends, he thinks. Friends who I could stand to lose. Why did I want her? Why did I do that?

Annoyingly enough, Steve’s voice is what answers him. You’re in love with her. The words make Bucky jolt up in his seat because, well, he’s never thought that before. He’s always known he loved you in a platonic sense and that he cared for you deeply, but being in love with you?

That can’t be it. Bucky didn’t really do being in love. He’s seen what that does to people. He saw what it did to his mother, heartbroken and left with two kids to raise on her own. He’s seen what heartbreak has done to Becca, who used to lock herself away in her room and spend hours crying over boys who weren’t worth it.

He snorts to himself, taking another sip of his drink. They say you can only go up from from rock bottom. Bucky thinks he’s got some kind of special ability to go lower though as he stares at his phone. 

He wants to text you and beg you to come home. He calls his mom instead. “Ma?” He asks quietly when she picks the phone up. “It’s Bucky.”

“I have caller ID. I know.” She lets out a laugh. “What’s up? You sound upset, my love.” She asks gently.

“I fucked up, Ma.” Bucky admits after a moment of silence. “I…” 

“What’s wrong? What happened?” She sounds panicked and Bucky immediately feels bad for worrying her. 

“No I mean, like, with Y/N. I fucked up with her.” He explains. His mother inhales sharply at the sound of his best friends name.

“What happened?” She asks softly, almost knowingly.

“We… I… I’m not meant for relationships? You know? Love? It always ends bad so I told her we could just be friends with some benefits.” He feels a little embarrassed sharing this with his mother, but he doesn’t have anybody else to turn to. “And I fucked it up. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.” Bucky can admit that he blurred the lines. That he didn’t treat you like just a friend, but when had he ever? You’d always been a little closer than normal friends. 

“Oh Bucky.” His mother murmurs, her tone isn’t disappointed, just sad. “I’m so sorry your father did this to you.” Bucky rubs a hand over his face. “Ma-“ 

“-No, Bucky. I’m sorry you didn’t get to see the value of romantic love. Of love that keeps you warm and love that makes your heart race.” She says quietly. 

“It always ends in heartbreak. I don’t need it.” He says defensively. It’s silent, Bucky listens to his mom breathe before finally whispering, “What if I’m like him? What if I ruin her life?” 

“Oh sweetheart, you’re nothing like him.” Her voice cracks. “You’re good. You’re a good man. You’re empathetic. You care deeply. You don’t have to be afraid of ending up like him, you’ve already proven you won’t.” 

“Doesn’t feel like that.” Bucky lets out a short laugh. “Feels like I already am.” 

“James Buchanan Barnes. I am not going to sit here and listen to you talk about yourself like this. You’re not like him because you see what you’ve done wrong. Because you feel remorse.” She says heatedly. “Your father never felt bad for what he did or who he hurt, that’s what makes you different. That’s what makes you better.” 

Bucky wipes hastily at the tears that he hadn’t realized were falling down his cheeks until now. Has he always been this much of a light weight? Full of emotion and regrets that are only amplified by his drunkenness. 

“I love that girl like she’s my own.” His mother’s voice brings him back. “So, what are you gonna do to fix this? I already bought her Christmas present.” 

Bucky laughs. His chest feels a little lighter. “Leave her alone.” He answers genuinely. He can almost see his mother’s mouth open in protest. “She’s on a date with Steve. I can’t ruin that for either of them.” 

There’s a sigh on the other end of the line. “You’re a good man, Bucky. Every good man makes mistakes. It’ll all work out.” She says vehemently. 

“I love you, ma. Thank you.” Bucky looks at the bottle in front of him. “I love you too. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” She asks gently. “Okay.” He nods as she hangs up. 

Her words help, but he’s still filled with guilt as he thinks of you. He had never wanted things to become this messed up with you. The last thing he wanted was for you to hate him.

Then why’d you do it? Bucky pulls at his hair. Since when was his subconscious so annoying? Was it the drinks? It’s your voice next. I mean nothing to you? 

“No. Shut up.” Bucky says to himself before standing up, his knee knocking against the coffee table painfully. He groans, but doesn’t stop moving. He feels like he’s going to be sick. He is going to be sick, he realizes as he forces the bathroom door open. 

He throws up. He’s not sure if it’s from the drinks or this overwhelming feeling of pure angst in his chest. A feeling that makes his lungs constrict and his heart ache.

He briefly wonders if this is heartbreak. And if it was, did that mean Steve was right? Bucky loved you?

He makes it back to the couch and starts a random movie in an attempt to stay up and wait for you. To talk or something. He was so, so sick of not talking to you.

But he falls asleep less than fifteen minutes later and he doesn’t hear you step into the apartment.

》•

“I had a really nice time tonight.” You say quietly. It’s almost midnight and you’re sure your neighbors wouldn’t appreciate you waking them up. “Thank you for taking me out.”

Steve stuffs his hands into his jacket pocket and gives you a grin. “Thanks for letting me take you out.”The two of you look at each other before breaking eye contact with awkward laughs. “We should do this again.”

You nod. “We should!” You lean up and press a kiss to his cheek before turning towards your door. “I’ll see you later, Steve.” You say softly before pushing the door open.

Steve gives you a short wave with a happy smile. “See you.” He begins to back away, down the hallway. “I’ll just.” He jabs a thumb over his shoulder before spinning around to walk straight.

You laugh silently to yourself as you finally step into your apartment and shut the door behind you. With your eyes shut tightly, you lean your back against the door and let out a sigh.

Your silence is disturbed by a groan and your eyes shoot open. Bucky’s laying on the couch, one arm hanging off and a bottle of whiskey sitting almost completely empty in front of him.

“Oh, Bucky.” You let out a sad sigh as you drop your purse and keys on the entryway table. His eyes are squeezed shut, you can tell he’s in a deep sleep.

When you stand in front of him, you push the stray hairs that are stuck to his sweaty forehead back. He’s flushed and you don’t know exactly how much he’s had to drink, but he was definitely drunk. You allow your nails to trace over his cheekbones and jawline in admiration.

You move away, suddenly aware of what you’re actually doing. You move quickly, picking up the empty glass and whiskey bottle and moving towards the kitchen. You leave the glass in the sink and stuff the bottle back into your drinks cabinet.

You think of just going back to your room, but you know you can’t leave Bucky shivering on the couch. You grab a clean glass and fill it with water before placing it on the coffee table in front of you. You pull out your travel Advil from your purse and sit it next to glass. His favorite blanket is draped over the back your lounge chair. You pull it off and drape it over him gently. Bucky snuffles then turns so his face is pressed into the couch.

You look down at Bucky again before leaving him in the room.

》

It’s like there’s a shift between you and Bucky after your date with Steve. You’re kinder and you seem to be more open with him again, while all Bucky wants to do is hide away in his room.

Every time you sit across from him in the living room or join him for dinner, he feels panic rise in him like vile and he ends up sitting tensely beside you.

Because you’re figuring your shit out. You want to be friends with Bucky again while Steve takes you out every weekend. It’s perfect. Going swimmingly, really.

Except, Bucky is falling apart. Every time you go out with Steve he makes himself sick thinking about what you’re doing. He’s stuck in this constant cycle of why does it hurt so much and you love her you love her you love her.

He just wants to scream so what? Even if he did love you, what did it matter? It’s not like it would change anything. You had never told him you loved him, you had only been angry because he had given you mixed signals. Now, you had moved on to someone easy, someone without commitment fears and who didn’t give you mixed signals.

So, even if he did love you, why would he say anything. Why would he ruin something good for you? He wanted to prove his mother right. He was better than his father, and he wouldn’t ruin something good for you. Not when he was the one who had driven you away. Sick sense of irony, the way this worked out.

》

You’re trying. You can tell Bucky is too. As you come further out of your shell again, he sticks to staunch boundaries and has ceased all of his old affectionate gestures. You know it makes sense and it’s for the best. Even if it does nothing but remind you of what you had grown used to with him before all this.

Besides, you couldn’t blame Bucky for not feeling the same way you did. Not when you had agreed to just benefits and not when you had never told him the truth. 

And Steve was sweet. Steve was gentle and kind and kissed you like you mattered. He held your hand in public and introduced you as his date when you ran into people he knew.

He was good. You cared for him, a lot, and you were desperate for it to work out. For it to work out with Steve and for it to work out with Bucky.

That’s how this night started. These thoughts and a plan. A stupid fucking plan for moving on. Drinks with everyone. Wanda, Vision, Sam, Steve… Bucky.

Bucky who was talking to a redhead at the bar. Bucky who you couldn’t stop staring at as he smiled and charmed her. Your fist tightened around your glass as you watch her nails inch towards his hand.

“Another round of drinks?” Sam’s voice pulls you from your stare. You shake your head to yourself and glance around table. Everybody’s glasses are empty except yours. “I’ll go!” You offer as you drain the last of your drink quickly.

You stand up before anybody at the table can question it. “I can help you.” Steve goes to stand, but you place a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Bucky’s up there. I’m sure he’ll help!” You give him a big smile, one that he answers with furrowed eyebrows. You don’t think much of it as you spin on your heel and make a beeline for the bar.

You don’t see the look Wanda shoots you or the glance Sam and Steve share. You stop right behind Bucky and lean on the counter as you order then you tap him on his shoulder.

He spins quickly. “What’s up? Everyone okay?” He asks, his eyes shifting between you and the table of your friends.

“Yeah!” You give him a small smile. “I was sent for drinks and I didn’t realize how many there were. Think you could help?”

He glances between you and the redhead, who’s giving you a kind smile as she waits. You smile in return before looking up at Bucky again. “Please?” You tack on with a pout.

Bucky laughs. “Yeah. Whatever.” He looks down at the woman again. “You wanna join us? Promise everyone is super cool.”

Your eyes widen as the drinks are placed in front of you. She wasn’t supposed to come. This was supposed to… You pause.

This was supposed to get him away from her. Back to your side.

“Yeah!” You give her a fake smile. “You should join us, we could always use more girls.” You chuckle as you lift three glasses.

Bucky grabs the other three before looking at the woman in question. She shrugs before grabbing her own glass to follow after you two.

You hand out the glasses before taking your seat beside Steve again. He arm comes up to rest behind your chair and you can’t shake the urge to push it off.

“Guys, this is Natasha.” Bucky gestures to the woman besides him before pulling a chair out for her. “Natasha. Wanda, Vision, Steve, Sam.” He points everyone out before finishing off with you. She smiles politely at all of you. You grind your teeth as he sits beside her.

The group seems to take a liking to her right away. She laughs at Sam’s jokes and compliments Wanda’s engagement ring. You’re burning with jealously as Bucky flirts in front of all of you.

It’s wholly irrational, a sober you would know that this jealously doesn’t really make sense. Three mixed drinks in though and it feels like Bucky is doing this to hurt you.

It feels like he’s showing you what he could never do with you. He never flirted with you in front of your friends or allowed his hand to inch towards yours on the table in front of them.

Bucky was secretly affectionate with you. It was tangled feet on Sunday mornings and cuddling Saturday nights. Sex in the middle of night and… heartbreak the next morning.

So his drifting hand and charming smile directed towards Natasha is suffocating you with insecurity. What did she have?

“I’m going home.” You stand abruptly when Bucky leans towards her with a laugh. Your shaky on your feet and Steve reaches a hand out to stabilize you. Everyone looks at you with confusion. “I… I don’t feel good.”

“I’ll walk you home.” Steve stands immediately.

You shake your head. “No!” When he freezes and looks at you with hurt eyes you smile tightly. “I mean, I’m going to take a Lyft. You stay here, have fun.”

“At least let me wait with you. So you’re not in the cold alone.” He insists and you nod slowly.

You really want to be alone, to wallow in this feeling, but Steve was nice and of course he wouldn’t let you go alone.

You watch Bucky for a moment, like you expect him to say something, to offer to come with you. Like he always did, but his attention shifts back to Natasha as Steve’s arm wraps around your waist.

It’s silent as he guides you out of the bar and tense as you order the Lyft. “Fifteen minutes.” You say softly.

Steve nods and looks around the almost empty street. You open your mouth to break the awkward silence, but he beats you to it.

“What happened between you and Bucky?” He asks quietly, his hands stuffed into his jacket pocket, and his teeth gnawing on his bottom lip.

You swallow thickly. “He didn’t tell you?” You ask instead of answering the question.

“He told me you guys had a friends with benefits thing going on. Then he told me you didn’t.” He doesn’t look angry, just sad as he stares down at you. “You know Bucky, he doesn’t share a lot.”

You look down at the sidewalk, your heel scuffing against it nervously. “I don’t know. I read things wrong, I guess. I… I thought we had a chance?” Your tone is questioning and you let out a laugh in a self-deprecating manner.

“You still love him?” You eyes shoot up to meet Steve’s. You open your mouth to say something, anything, to turn this conversation around but the door opening takes your attention off of the conversation.

It’s Bucky and Natasha, laughing softly with one another. You turn away quickly and feel the vomit rise in your throat. “I’m gonna be sick.” You murmur before throwing up all over Steve’s shoes. He grimaces and takes a step back as the couple turns around at the sound of you.

Bucky calls out your name. You can’t look up, instead you drop to the ground and sit on the sidewalk ledge.“Are you okay?” Bucky kneels down beside you as you cough.

“I’m fine. You can go. Go.” You urge, unable to look up at him. Bucky doesn’t budge though, his hand coming up to push back the hairs stuck to your forehead. “Bucky. Please.” You groan.

“I’ll walk her home.” Bucky says to Steve, ignoring your pleas. “The air will do her some good and the car moving will only make her feel worse.”

Steve looks between you two hesitantly. “I don’t know, I can take her.” You still feel nauseous, especially at the idea of Steve who you’re pretty sure just broke up with you wanting to keep you away from Bucky for your comfort.

When you look up, Natasha is standing behind Bucky with worried eyes. You feel tears gather in the corner of your eyes as they move to Bucky. He smiles gently, his hand still resting against your cheek. “Let me walk you home, sweets.”

The nickname makes your heart soar. Months of nothing but your first name and you feel like you’re floating at the sound of it. “Okay.” You nod, your hand coming up to rest on his. “Okay.” You pull out your phone to cancel the Lyft.

He helps you stand. “I’ll see you.” He says apologetically to Natasha. She doesn’t look upset, in fact she smiles at him like she knows something you two don’t. “I’ll let you know when we get home.” He says to Steve, who nods before following Natasha inside.

You feel flushed and hot all over. A horrible mixture of drinks, jealously and nausea settling in your stomach. It makes you horribly dizzy and you’re forced to lean against Bucky heavily for support.

“One step at a time, sweets.” Bucky says softly, his metal arm wrapped tightly around your waist.

》

“Almost there.” Bucky exhales a deep breath as he all but carries you towards the couch. He’d given up on getting you down the hall, you had pretty much become dead weight and getting you down the hall to the apartment had taken a lot out of Bucky. “Few more steps, sweets.”

Bucky’s cheeks are red and his entire body is warm. It’s been so long since he’s been this close to you and he can’t help but feel his heart grow as you latch onto him.

“Easy. Easy.” He murmurs as he sits you down gently on the couch. You mumble incoherently as you head lands on the back of the couch.

He pulls away from you and pulls his phone out. Sorry to leave you, maybe we can catch up another time?

Maybe. As friends, of course.

Bucky glances at you before looking back down at his phone, he begins to type but another message pops up quickly.

I saw the way you looked at her, I don’t think you’re looking for a girlfriend! It’s okay :)

Bucky leaves the phone sitting on the coffee table as he focuses his attention back on you. You open your eyes and look at him sadly. “What’s wrong with me?” You ask quietly.

“Nothing.” Bucky responds immediately, his hand reaching out for your cheek. The moan of relief you let out at the coolness of his metal appendage goes straight through Bucky. “Nothing is wrong with you.” He forces his voice to stay steady.

He takes a seat next to you on the couch and drops his hand back to his lap. While you stare at the carpeted floor, Bucky’s eyes trail over you. He takes in the skin tight pants and soft sweater. The way your legs look makes him swallow thickly. You were beautiful and Bucky loved you. 

The thought makes him pause, but it doesn’t scare him nearly as much as he thought it would. He did. He loved you. He knew looking at you now that the months of questioning it and then trying to make himself believe it was just as a friend as you dated Steve, was all in vain. He loved you. Maybe he had loved this whole time. 

You look up at him suddenly, like you can hear his thoughts, and Bucky is frozen in his spot. You move towards him slowly and he can’t do anything but watch. 

You crawl into his lap and Bucky’s hands immediately rest on your waist to hold you steady. “What… What’re doing?” He can’t hide the shock in his tone. He has to hold back a moan as your hands come up to run through his hair. You left yanks gently at the hair on the back of his head to force him to look up at you and Bucky is unable to stop the moan from slipping out then.

You smile down at him cheekily. “Want you to fuck me.” Your already slurred words are murmured, so Bucky almost doesn’t understand you. “It’s been so long, Buck.” You grind down and he chokes on his own spit, not expecting his night to end like this.

“You gotta stop, sweets.” His grip on you waist tightens in an attempt to halt your movements. “You’re drunk. You don’t know what you’re doing.” He says, looking back up at you. 

Your hands rest on his shoulders and you shake your head. “I know I hated seeing you with her. I hate not having you. Please, I miss you.” You whisper pleadingly.

The words pain Bucky. “I miss you too, but you don’t want this.” He gently pushes you off of his lap and back onto the couch cushions beside him.

Your head falls to your hands while your elbows rest against your legs. “Why don’t you want me?” You look back up at him with wet eyes. Bucky freezes. Is that what you thought? That he didn’t want you? 

“Sweetheart, you have no idea how much I want you.” He admits, reaching out to pull your hands away from your face completely. You shake your head and pull yourself away from him. 

“If you wanted me you wouldn’t have flirted with her all night. In front of me. In front of our friends.” Bucky looks at you with wide eyes. How could you be upset with him over that when you had gone with Steve? When you had been dating Steve? 

“You’re with Steve.” He reminds you. “Am I supposed to not flirt with other people? You told me we were just roommates. We’re barely even friends!” He exclaims. 

“No! I told you that because you hurt me.” You wipe tears off of your cheeks. “You… You made me feel like I was something to you then told me I was just a fuck. I was hurt.” You explain. “God, you- I loved you so much and you just - just-“ 

“You love me?” Bucky cuts you off. He knows you’re drunk, but the words make his heart race. He feels his eyes soften as he stares at your form. 

The tears gathered in your eyes begin to fall down your cheeks as you shake your head hastily. “Loved you. I loved you. But you didn’t love me, so I moved on.”

Bucky didn’t know it was possible to physically feel your heart break, but here he was, his heart cracking painfully as you look away from him.

“I’m so tired.” You whisper. “Why could you flirt with her in front of all our friends? Why… Why was I a dirty secret?”

Bucky doesn’t know what to say to you. Doesn’t know how to explain to you that he wasn’t afraid of losing her the way he was you. He didn’t know her at all, he certainly didn’t know her the way he knew you.

“We should get you to bed.” Bucky stands abruptly. His hands come down to hold your arms gently as he helps you stand. “We can talk in the morning.”

You allow him to pull you up, it looks like you’ve given up on furthering the conversation. Bucky picks you up bridal style to carry you down the hall.

Your arms rest loosely around his neck. “Steve broke up with me.” You say as Bucky drops you onto your mattress. “He knows about us. He doesn’t want someone who… who…” You trail off before falling into a fit coughs.

“We’ll talk in the morning.” Bucky says softly, his fingers trailing over your cheeks. “I promise, sweetheart.” You already have a water bottle on your nightstand, so Bucky searches your vanity for Advil.

He leaves two pills beside the bottle. You’re already dozing off, your eyes fluttering shut, so Bucky leans down to press a kiss to your forehead. When he goes to pull back, your hand shoots out and wraps around his wrist. “Stay. Please.” You whisper.

Bucky hesitates for a second before nodding and sitting beside you on the bed as he pulls his shoes off. His heart races as he moves to lay beside you and he feels flushed as you curl into his side.

He allows himself to relax with you in his arms. It had been so long since you’ve been beside him like this and Bucky lets himself feel love as you do. 

Is this what he had been afraid of the entire time? 

》

You wake up hot, nauseous and with a pounding headache.

And something wrapped tightly around you. When you open your eyes fully, the first thing you see is a metal arm wrapped tightly around your waist. You groan when your eyes trail up and the sunlight streaming in from your window hits you.

A deeper groan is returned and it makes you freeze. You rack your brain for what happened last night, but all you could remember was getting sick outside the bar and Bucky taking you home. Had you said something? Had he?

You turn over in his arms and look up at him. His eyes are still closed and he’s letting out steady, soft breaths.

“Bucky.” You whisper, your hand coming up to rest against his chest. “Bucky, wake up.” You say a little louder.

His eyes snap open and immediately he pulls away from you. “Shit. Sorry. I’m sorry. You… You…” He sots up and rubs a hand over his face.

“I don’t… What happened? I just remember you walking me home.” You sit up slowly. You’re still wearing your leggings and the sweater from last night. You groan. “I’m sorry I took you away from…” He shakes his head. 

“It’s okay. I offered. You asked me to stay when I got you into bed, I’m sorry if you’re uncomfortable.” His apology is sincere and you suck in a deep breath.

“It’s okay. I don’t… You know I don’t mind falling asleep with you.” Neither of you move or say anything, just sit on opposite sides of your bed in awkward silence. “I-“

“I love you.” Bucky blurts effectively cutting you off. Your eyes widen and your pulse quickens as you stare at him. You had not been expecting that. “And… I’m sorry it took all of this. Not being friends, Steve, drinks, for me to realize, but I do. I think I’ve always loved you, I just… I didn’t know it.”

You shake your head as you try to process what he’s saying. “I don’t… I don’t understand. Where is this coming from?”

“I… Seeing you with Steve. I didn’t… It killed me inside.” Bucky admits.

“And you think that means you love me?” You spit out. “You said it yourself, Bucky Barnes doesn’t do relationships.” You shake your head. “You’re just jealous because you don’t have my attention anymore.”

“That’s not true.” Bucky says adamantly. He turns his body on the bed so it’s facing you. “It made me realize I love you. It made me realize my favorite time of the day is when I get to spend time with you. That our Sundays spent reading and Saturdays watching Law and Order were always better than bars or parties because I was with you. I… I want to do the relationship things with you. Holding hands, just sleeping together. Telling people you’re my girlfriend.”

You stare at him tearfully. “How do you know it’s love? That you didn’t just miss me?”

“I know what it’s like to miss you. This feeling? This warmth in my chest when you’re around and the ache there when you’re gone? That’s not missing you. I...” He pauses. “I love you. And It’s okay if you don’t feel the same anymore-“

“-Anymore?” You question. Your eyes squeeze shut as you headache gets worse. “Bucky, what-“

“You told me you loved me last night. You were drunk, I know, but-“

“Fuck.” You laugh to yourself as you take in everything he has said. Pieces of last night come flashing back to your mind. Crawling into Bucky’s lap, crying, admitting you had loved him. “Oh God.” You groan, rubbing your hands over your face.

“Bucky you don’t have to-“ You shake your head. “You don’t have to try and make this something it isn’t because you feel bad.”

“I’m not.” Bucky reaches a hand out to rest on your back. “What can I do to make you believe me?”

You look over at him. “Prove it.”

》

Steve meets him for coffee later that morning. You’re out with Wanda for Sunday brunch and Bucky is on his final stop of his apology tour. 

“Hey.” Steve looks up from his phone and smiles at Bucky. “Can I sit?” Bucky motions to the chair across from him and Steve nods.

Steve pushes a black coffee over to Bucky, whose nose scrunches up at the scent. Fair, Bucky thinks. “What’s up?” Steve asks quietly. “You missed our run this morning.”

Bucky looks down at the table. “I had some stuff to deal with. You know with-“ Bucky cuts himself when Steve nods. “Listen, I wanted to say I’m sorry. Shit was never supposed to get this messed up.”

Steve shrugs. “You tell her?” He gives Bucky a knowing smile. “That you love her?”

Bucky gives him a small smile in return. “I did. Yeah.” He taps his fingers against the table. “She’s got some, uh, trust issues with me. But it makes sense. We’re gonna take it slow.”

“I’m happy for you, Buck.” Steve admits after taking a sip of his drink. “I was never mad or angry with you. I always knew she still cared for you and I think I always knew it would never be anything serious.”

Bucky nods. “Thanks, Steve.” He looks down at his coffee with an appreciative smile.

“Besides,” Steve smirks, “Natasha is super cool. We exchanged numbers last night after she asked about what was going on between you two.”

》

Bucky invites you to spend Christmas with his family. You don’t even have to think about it before you say yes. Christmases with his family were always full of warmth and love; You absolutely loved it. 

You’re more excited to be here this year too, to celebrate with him in this way. As his girlfriend, you had heard him tell Rebecca over the phone when informing her of his plans to drive up to see them Christmas Eve. 

You had the perfect gift for him too, well, you have a few gifts for him. Most of them could wait for Christmas with his mom and sister, but there were two you were just desperate to see his reaction to.  

That’s why you slip out of his room in the early hours of the morning when the sky is still dark and everybody is asleep. 

That’s how Bucky wakes up, a small, wrapped box sitting on the nightstand and you nowhere to be found. Bucky eyes the box warily before looking around the rest of his bedroom. Your suitcase is unzipped and he can tell it’s be riffled through before being shoved back into the corner os his room.

His door is pushed open quietly. “Why are you up?” His voice makes you jump and spin so your back slams against the door. Bucky has to bite back a laugh as you take a couple deep, calming breaths. 

“I...I was going to wake you up.” You tip toe across the room and crawl into bed beside Bucky. You suck in a deep, nervous breath. While you and Bucky had been dating for the past few weeks, you had also been taking it slow. “For gifts.” 

Bucky’s eyebrows furrow as he sits up a little straighter in bed. “Gifts? It’s five in the morning, I promise Becca and my mom are in such deep sleep we couldn’t wake them if we tried.”

Kind of what I’m banking on, you think. “No. I mean.. Our gifts, for each other.” You explain in a soft voice, before reaching over to pick up the small box you had left sitting on the nightstand. “I didn’t want to give you this in front of your family and I don’t think I can wait.” You admit a little sheepishly. 

Bucky looks down at the box with a soft smile. “Just let me get one of your gifts.” He sits it down on the comforter before crawling out of the bed and moving to his suitcase. He picks up a small box, wrapped in the same gift paper his is because he had stolen your roll, and smiles up at you.

He hands it over and the two of you just stare at each other with bright, happy smiles before tearing into the wrapping paper at the same time. Your mouth drops open in shock when you open the box.

A bracelet is staring back at you. A silver band filled with charms that make you smile as you run your fingertips over each one. Your alma mater’s mascot. The Brooklyn Bridge. A bottle of wine. “Buck...” You trail off in awe. “This is beautiful.”

“Sweets.” He says the nickname gently and you look up to watch him pull the watch out of the box with a small smile. “This is...” He flips it over in his hand and his eyes widen when he notices the engraving on the back.

the best lovers start as friends.

“I love you.” He runs a finger of the engraved metal as you whisper softly, “I... I’ve loved you for so long, Buck, and having your love in return is unlike anything I could have imagined.” 

Bucky drops the watch on the bed between you as he reaches across to pull you into a bruising kiss. You drop your own gift onto the bed and reach up to rest a hand on his chest. 

“I love you.” Bucky pulls away to whisper the words. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” He punctuates each sentence with a kiss to your skin. You giggle softly as he moves towards you and his hand settles on your waist. 

“I have something else for you.” You pull away to remove the bracelet and watch from the bed. Bucky watches as you move so you’re on your knees with intrigued eyes. You smile coyly as you move to pull his shirt over your head. 

Bucky lets out a low moan as his eyes trail over your body, covered in dark green lace. “What’s this?” His fingers come up to trace over the lace and leave goosebumps in their wake. 

“Your second gift.” You murmur breathlessly as he fingers drift lower and lower. Bucky smirks as he leans towards you and presses a kiss to your neck, then across your collar bone until he’s trailing kisses down the valley of your breasts. 

He pulls away after a moment and looks up at you questioningly. “Are you sure?” 

You smile down at him and wrap your arms around his shoulders. “I wouldn’t have dropped this much money on lingerie if I wasn’t sure.” His arms wrap tightly around your waist as he pulls your body flush against his. 

“What did I do to deserve a gift like this?” He looks up at you with a bright smile. You run a hand through his hair. “Love me.” You answer genuinely. Red dusts Bucky’s cheeks at your words as you lean in to kiss him. 

You shift so you’re straddling Bucky’s lap. “Gonna fuck me?” You murmur in question against his lips. Bucky moans against you and his hips buck up involuntarily. His hand drops from your waist to your thigh and he trails his fingertips up. 

“You look so pretty, sweets.” He smirks up at you as his hand pushes the lace aside. He runs the tip of his index finger over your wet folds and you push down already wanting more from him. “Patience, sweetheart. Let me take you in. I wanna enjoy my gift.”

You moan as he begins to rub slowly against your clit. “Want you to ride my thigh first, sweets.” Bucky shifts you so your legs are straddled over his left thigh.

You moan as your clit rubs against his thigh. You pull at the waist band and his sweatpants and he helps you pull them off of his legs before situating your body back over him. “Fuck.” You let out a deep sigh as his hands land on your hips.

His eyes are dark and pupils blown as he stares at you above him. Bucky’s already hard, you can see his dick straining against his briefs. He doesn’t do more than lightly guide you by the hands on your hips, but his eyes watching you intently as you moan is enough to make your stomach twist in pleasure.

“Fuck, James.” He groans as his first name tumbles out of your mouth in a breathy moan. “You look so pretty on my thigh, sweetheart. I love watching you.”

He leans forward then, to press kisses across your breasts as you move back and forth against him. “Feels so good.” One of your hands twists in his hair and Bucky moans against your skin.

You move faster against him as you feel yourself get wetter. You moan his name like a mantra as Bucky’s hands grip you tighter and tighter.

Bucky’s hands force you to a stop. You whine at the lost of pleasure, but it’s not long before Bucky has you flipped so you’re laying on your back beneath him.

“Gonna fuck you, is that okay sweets?” He leans back to pull his shirt off and you nod hastily as your hands come up to pull at his briefs. It’s not long before you’re bare underneath him, the lace garments discarded to the floor of his bedroom.

“Gotta be quiet.” He runs his tip over you folds in a teasing manner that almost makes you moan out. Instinctively, your hips buck up with a quiet whine. His hand comes up to cover your mouth. “Don’t want Becca to hear. She’s just down the hall, sweets.”

It’s a warning and it makes heat spread through you. You’re not sure if it’s the idea that you could get caught in his childhood bedroom or the way Bucky’s voice deepens, but it makes you tired of waiting. “Please.” Your beg is muffled by his hand, but he hears it. He doesn’t wait any longer, he pushes himself all the way in and you both let out relieved moans at the feeling. “Fuck. Fuck. You always feel so good, baby.” 

Your back arches into his body as he begins fucking you at a slow pace. When he seems satisfied that you won’t make too much noise, his hand moves from your mouth he rests his forearm on the pillow beside your head. “James.” It’s a whispered moan that makes his hips stutter. “Faster. Please. I’ll be quiet.” You promise, your legs wrapping around him. Bucky leans down to press a bruising kiss to your lips as he fucks into you faster. You moan into his mouth as pleasure rushes through you. 

There’s something extremely intimate about the way he fucks into you, one hand holding onto your hip and another resting beside your head. It’s love, you realize when he pulls back to look at you with soft eyes. It does something to you, makes want rush through your veins and pulls the air from your lungs. “I love you.” You whisper into the space between you two, Bucky still pushing in and out of you. 

“I love you.” His eyes slide shut and his head falls to nuzzle into your neck. “You look at me like that again I’m not gonna last, sweets.” He press a gentle kiss to your neck before beginning to suck harshly. You’re sure there will be a mark there tomorrow that you’ll never live down, but you can’t bring yourself to care when his tongue runs over the mark and your stomach clenches in excitement. 

“Fuck. I’m so close, Bucky, please. I- I need-“ His hand is reaching between your bodies before you can spit the sentence out. His finger rubs against your clit as he quickens his pace. “Yes. Yes.” You moan, and you can immediately tell it’s too loud when Bucky freezes. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” You mutter, so close and desperate for him to resume his pace. 

“I know, I’m close too, but we can’t wake the house up.” You throw your head back and bite down hard enough to draw blood when he resumes his movements. He’s rubbing at your already sensitive clit and fucking you quickly, it’s all too much as your stomach tightens in pleasure. “Yeah. I can feel you, baby. Come for me, please. I need to feel you.” His tone is deep and possessive in your ear. 

When he slams into you hard, your orgasm washes over you. Your mouth opens in a moan that Bucky catches with a messy kiss. You can feel his hips stutter against you as he reaches his own high and releases into you. 

The two of you stay like that for a moment, just breathing with each other. “Merry Christmas.” You laugh softly as Bucky pulls out and moves to grab a towel from his desk chair. 

Bucky smiles as he comes to lay beside you again and wipes gently at your thighs.  He pulls the comforter up so it’s wrapped around both of you again and pulls you so your head rests against his chest. “Merry Christmas.” He whispers in return.

You glance out the window and find that it’s snowing again. You’ll probably be snowed in for the next few days, but you don’t really mind, not with Bucky here and in your arms the way you’ve always wanted. 

》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《

notes // this took weeks to finish and i truly hope whoever reads it through enjoys it! 

my writing is free & will remain free. if you enjoy it and you have the resources, consider donating to my ko-fi :)

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers LOST EDEN ー Ruki Dark [Epilogue]

CHAPTER MASTERLIST

ー The scene starts in the guest room at Eden

Ruki: ...

*Flip*

Yui: ( Ruki-kun is reading a book again. Nothing new there but...Shouldn’t he go to bed soon? )

( Still, I’d feel bad for interrupting him. He seems to be focused after all...I wonder what kind of book he’s reading? )

Ruki: ...Would you like to say something? 

Yui: Eh? 

Ruki: You tend to make that kind of expression whenever you have something to tell me. Am I wrong?

Yui: ...You know me well.

Ruki: I’ve learnt to read your expressions from spending so much time together. So, what’s wrong?

Yui: It isn’t necessarily something I need to say but...I was just wondering what kind of book you’re reading.

Ruki: One you would never understand.

Yui: ...Perhaps not. 

Ruki: I was only teasing you. No need to sulk. 

This is a poetry collection written by a French poet.

Yui: What’s written in there? 

Ruki: To put it simply, there are a lot of poems which center around the topic of immorality. 

According to this poet’s words, all humans are being manipulated by the Devil. 

Yui: D-Demons...?

Ruki: Exactly. He calls this Devil ‘Trismégiste’. (1)

I mean, it is not that much of a stretch, is it? Vampires do exist after all. 

I am sure that all living creatures on Earth have fallen captive to this Devil he speaks of. That is why they continue to commit deadly sins.

Yui: ...Deadly sins...

Ruki: It might also be the Devil’s fault...that I continue to keep you by my side like this.

Yui: ...It wasn’t what you wanted, was it?

( To keep Eve by his side despite not being Adam is a form of betrayal. That’s why it was never his true intention. )

( I’ve always been aware of that but knowing that Ruki-kun never wished for this outcome...makes me really sad. )

Ruki: ...I believe I phrased myself badly. Listen carefully, Yui. 

While it may have been the tempting whispers of the Devil at first. Still, right now the situation has completely changed. It is my own decision to not let you go. 

Yui: ...Thank god. 

Ruki: That should have been obvious by now, no? That’s why...I didn’t think you’d take my words so literally.

Yui: You always talk in riddles...There’s times where I can no longer tell your jokes from the truth.

Ruki: ...In that case, I shall tell you upfront.

ー Ruki steps closer

Ruki: I do not have the slightest intention of handing you over to someone else. ...You belong only to me, Yui.

Not even the Devil can have you...

*TIMESKIP*

ー A flashback ensues

Ruki: ...

( ...I can’t sleep. )

*Rustle* 

Ruki: ( I feel very much awake today...I suppose I should just get out of bed and read a bookーー )

*Rustle rustle*

Ruki: ( ...? There’s a lot of noise. Who could it be at this hour? )

Ruki’s Father: ーー Oi! Is anyone there!?

Ruki: ( Eh? ...Father? I thought he had left for the city for a meeting...? I’m pretty sure he isn’t supposed to be back until the day after tomorrow? )

( Did the meeting end earlier than he expected? ...Oh well. I suppose I’ll use the opportunity to go say hello to him. )

ー The scene shifts to the living room of Ruki’s old home

Ruki’s Father: Oi, I want booze...Bring me a bottle.

Servant: Not to be rude, Sir, but it appears that you have already had quite a bit to drink, so you probably shouldn’t...

Ruki’s Father: Silence! You’re going to talk back to me!? Just bring me a bottle already!

*CRASH*

Servant: ...My sincere apologies. I shall bring you some at once...!

ー The servant runs off

Ruki’s Father: Damnit, what a bunch of incompetent fools...!

Ruki’s Mother: Dear...Did something happen at work, perhaps...?

Ruki’s Father: This is more than a little something! Some random fucker I had never even heard of before showed up and got ahead of me!

That guy...He appeared out of nowhere a couple of days ago and has already become one of the president’s favorites...!

He whispered a couple of sweet words into the president’s ear and had me removed by the president himself! How am I supposed to stay positive under these circumstances!? 

Does he have any idea how hard I worked to be able to climb my way up as just a simple merchant!? Yet that guy had the nerve to...!

That filthy swindler...What kind of dirty trick did he use!?

*SHATTER*

Ruki’s Mother: ...D-Dear! You’ll wake up our son...!

Ruki’s Father: Shut up!

...Fufu...Ahaha! Can you believe this? From what I’ve heard, that guy has sold his soul to the Devil. 

No...I actually think he is the Devil himself.

Just you watch...I shall reveal his true intentions and show the president that he’s nothing but a dirty crook!

*THUD*

Ruki’s Father: I will become the President’s right-hand man! I won’t give up that position to anyone else! To nobody!!

Ruki’s Mother: D-Dear, please stop!

Ruki’s Father: Don’t get in my way!!

*SMACK*

Ruki’s Mother: ...!

Servant: Madam!

*Thud*

Servant: Please step back, Sir! I cannot believe you would harm your own wife...!

Ruki’s Father: Shut up! Don’t defy me!!

That swindler...The Devil...Trismégiste, I shall be the one to drive him out of this country!!

*Rustle* 

Ruki: ...Ugh...

ー A young Ruki runs away

Monologue

ーー Up until that point,

Father had always been a kind man in my eyes.

As his son, he had always spoiled me,

as I could not even recall one time he had ever scolded me.

That is exactly why ーー I was shaking in fear,

when I saw him rage that night.

For the first time in my life, I felt fear towards my Father,

as at the same time, I found myself thinking: ‘Who is that man?’

That man who stood there yelling with a glazed look in his eyes,

hurting my mother by raising his hand at herーー

It was almost like I was looking at the Devil himself. 

However, when I timidly sat down at the table the next morning,

the person who greeted me there,

was my usual, kind Father.

That is why I made myself believe. 

It must have all been a dream. 

And that who I saw ーー was not the Devil. 

ー Ruki wakes up from a dream in the guest room at Eden

*Rustle* 

Ruki: ...!

Haah...haah...

...What a horrible dream...

ー The scene shifts to the bathroom

Ruki: ( ...I thought I had stopped dreaming about the past. )

( It must be a bad joke to have such a dream at a time like this... )

...Trismégiste.

( I had forgotten about it up till now...No, I tried to ban it from my memories. )

Monologue

Father ーー My real Father,

he deeply despised a certain individual. 

A man who shared the same name,

as the Devil who appears in that poetry collection...Trismégiste. 

I wonder if he was actually called that? 

Or perhaps Father simply used it as an analogy,

to compare him to the Devil...?

I still do not know to this day.

However, back then,

I truly thought of my own Father as the Devil. 

Seeing him drown in his own desire, having lost sight of himself,

it was truly horrifying. 

Ruki: ( That dream...It feels almost like it’s trying to tell me something about myself. )

( If my Father was the Devil, then I also have that blood running through my veinsーー )

...!

*Thud*

*Shatter* 

Ruki: ...Ridiculous.

It is simply outrageous to assume that a Vampire is being possessed by the Devil...

It is only humans such as my Father...who can fall victim to the Devil known as Trismégiste... 

ー The scene shifts to the entrance hall

Ruki: ( ...I have to stop the bleeding. If Yui sees my hand, she’ll make a fuss againーー )

ー Yuma walks up to him

Yuma: Oh, Ruki. Whatcha doin’ here this late at night?

Ruki: Yuma...What are you doing here then?

Yuma: I was havin’ trouble fallin’ asleep so I figured I’d get some exercise...Wait, what the fuck happened to yer hand!?

Ruki: This is...nothing.

Yuma: Haah? 

...Look, if ya really think that it’s nothin’ when there’s blood gushin’ out like crazy, then you’re seriously bonkers.

Ruki: ...Good point. I must have surely gone crazy right now.

Yuma: ...Oi. Don’t put so much pressure on yerself, mate. It’s a bad habit of yers.

Ruki: What are you trying to say? 

Yuma: The Adam thing is weighin’ heavy on yer mind, isn’t it?

Ruki: ...Did she tell you?

Yuma: I don’t need to ask anyone to figure that one out. How long do ya think we’ve been bros for?

Knowin’ ya, I bet you’re frettin’ ‘bout it? 

Ruki: ...Whatever goes on inside my head is none of your business. Leave me alone.

Yuma: Aah? No need to act like that when I’m worried ‘bout ya, right?

Ruki: I don’t remember ever asking for your concern. If you understand that, then mind your own business. Do not make me repeat myself. 

Yuma: ...Listen mate, then maybe ya shouldn’t act in a way that’ll make us worried ‘bout ya?

Even right now ya look like a hot mess! Maybe you should take a good look in the mirror first before ya spout that sorta cocky bullshit!

Ruki: ...

ー Ruki grabs hold of his collar

*Rustle*

Ruki: Remember, you’re the younger brother here, so don’t speak like you know me!

Yuma: Che...Ya stubborn blockhead! Do I need to punch ya first before you’ll actually snap back to reality!? 

Ruki: Punch me then!

ー Kou and Azusa walk up to them

Kou: Geez~ ...It’s the middle of the night, can’t you pipe down a liーー Wait, what are you two doing!?

Azusa: An argument...?

Kou: Hey, Yuma-kun! I don’t know what happened, but let go of him!

Yuma: Shut up! Ya guys back off! Words just don’t work on this fool over here!

Ruki: Excuse me...!? 

Azusa: Yuma, calm down...! You too, Ruki, why are you so upset...?

Kou: Exactly! I’m not so much surprised about Yuma-kun but this isn’t like you, Ruki-kun!?

Ruki: ...!

Yuma: There’s no talkin’ to him! With guys like him ya need to...!

*THUD*

Ruki: Guh...!

ー Ruki collapses

*Thud*

Azusa: Ruki!

Yuma: They just don’t understand unless ya give ‘em a good ol’ beatin’! Isn’t that so, Ruki!?

Ruki: Yuma, youーー ...!

*SCENE SHIFT*

Yui: ( Ruki-kun...He wasn’t there when I woke up. I wonder where he ran off to? )

( Also, there seems to be a commotion going on up ahead...? I wonder if somebody else is also awake? )

Kou: Cut it out already, you two!!

Yui: ( Was that...Kou-kun just now? )

Ruki: Stay out of it, Kou!

Yui: ( Ruki-kun as well!? Don’t tell me they’re fighting over something...!? )

ー Yui runs up to them

Yui: You guys!? What are you doing...!? 

Ruki: Oh...

Yui: Ruki-kun!? You’re bleeding from your mouth...! And your hand is covered in blood as well!? What on earth happened...!? 

Ruki: ...This is nothing for you to worry abouーー

Yuma: There ya go again! Seems like ya could still use a couple more punches!

Yui: You punched him...!? 

Yuma: Yeah, exactly! Got a problem with that, huh!? 

That fool over there was frettin’ by himself while tryin’ to act like nothin’s wrong so I gave him a reality check!

Kou: Oh come on, Yuma-kun! Calm down already!

Ruki: ...

...You can take it however you want. 

But I was just doing what I always do. Then he started to insult me.That’s all.

Yuma: Ruki, you bastard...!

Ruki: ...I’ve had enough. 

*Rustle*

Yuma: Wait! You’re runnin’ away now!? ...Why don’t you get it!?

Ruki: ...Unlike you, I’ve got more than just one brain cell.

ー Ruki walks away

Yui: Ruki-kun!

Yuma: ...Fuck! Just leave that idiot be!

Yui: ( Why...? I can’t believe they would get in such an argument when they’ve always been so close...! )

Wait, Ruki-kun!

ー Yui runs after him

Yuma: ...That stupid big bro of mine...

*SCENE SHIFT*

Yui: Ruki-kun! Hey, hold up!

Please, talk to me. What exactly happened...!? 

Ruki: Didn’t I just tell you? It isn’t anything serious. 

Yui: Don’t say that! You must have had a proper reason to get into such a big fight, right!?

Ruki: ...Why do you think that?

Yui: Why, you ask...? I mean, because it’s nothing like you.

Ruki: ...So even you are saying the same thing now.

Yui: Eh...?

ー Ruki walks away again

Yui: ...I said wait! Where are you going!? 

Ruki: ...

ーー The Sakamaki Castle. 

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

Translation notes

(1) The French poet Ruki refers to here is Charles Baudelaire who is famous for works such as ‘Fleurs du Mal’. 

[miiracleboys]

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[ssadumba55]

Love Finds A Way (Ian Malcolm X Reader)

Request: Hello!! I love your Ian malcolm x reader so far and I was just wondering if you could do another one (either set in the first or second movie) where ian and the reader get separated and it freaks Ian out until they find each other again and ian decides to confess his feelings maybe? Thanks!

A/N: Let's go! I've never written anything set in the first movie but that movie moves a lot faster so forgive me cutting through to get to the good bits. I spared you every dinosaur chase scene, you're welcome. Enjoy!

This trip was a mistake, you realized that now covered in mud and sitting in a tree.

Come along, Ian had suggested, it’ll be fun. It wasn’t fun now, you’d be sure to remind him of that… if you ever saw him again. Even though you had wanted to stay behind with Ian, Alan had convinced you to join him and the kids.

Now, the other three were getting some shuteye. How they could sleep with all of this around them, you would never know. You watched the Brachiosaurs eat from the safety of your vantage point. All the joy and wonder you had felt earlier on the tour was now gone, replaced with a feeling of dread deep in the pit of your stomach.

There was no way you were getting out of this alive, even with the help of the amazing Dr. Alan Grant. You had never been a fearless fighter or particularly intelligent.

“You’re still awake?” Dr. Grant asked softly. You had thought he was asleep but it appeared he’d just been resting eyes. He didn’t even look like the man you’d met earlier that day, each of his arms wrapped around one of the children he had despised.

You shrugged your shoulders. “I’m worried about Dr. Malcolm, that’s all.”

It was a fair worry, he was your friend and mentor. The two of you had spent a lot of time together both in the workplace and out. You liked to think there was an inseparable bond between the two of you, something that rarely anyone else had. No matter how many wives or girlfriends he went through, what was between you both would never change.

“He’s fine. As long as he stays still, even if the T. Rex circles back, he’ll live.”

Realistically, you knew he was right but still. Nobody but the four of you knew where he was and you had no idea how to get to the others. Worst vacation ever, Ian owed you one if the two of you got off this stinking island alive.

Meanwhile, Dr. Ian Malcolm was in a panic himself. His leg was in pain, but it was dull compared to his worry for you. Now that he wasn’t being chased by a giant meat eating dinosaur, he could think properly and he had noticed your absence.

There were two options; you were laying out there dead somewhere (which he hated to think about, that couldn’t be the one) or you were wherever Dr. Grant and Hammond’s grandchildren were.

“We should be out there looking for them,” he tried to shift but his leg was in worse shape than he thought. Ellie hurried forward, scolding him for moving and putting himself in pain. She was obviously worried for Alan as well, they had issues, the two of them.

Was being in love with a workplace friend a common occurrence because it seemed like they were in the exact same department and- Oh god, if you and Alan died they would never get to tell them. More importantly he would never get to tell you.

At some point, Gennaro and Ellie leave to go look for Arnold, leaving him and Hammond to guide them to where they needed to go. He tried to keep his head in the game as much as possible, his survival and the others depended on it but he was too worried about you.

This had to be some sick twisted joke the universe had decided to play on him, he didn’t tell the one he loved he loved them when he had the chance, he fooled around with so many people... and this was his sick and twisted comeuppance.

He supposed if that was what was going on he deserved it, but damn it if he didn’t wish his leg was better so he could be out there looking for you.

How many adults did it take to hold a door shut against one Velociraptor? Apparently, three. You, Alan and Ellie leaned against the door, trying your best to keep it shut while Lex and Tim figured out the computer system.

“This is where we die,” you muttered under your breath as Ellie tried desperately to reach for the shotgun that was just out of her grasp.

“You did it!” Tim shouted and just like that the locks were on the doors.

The relief was short lived, but such is life when you’re on a dinosaur infested island. The five of you escaped through the vents, making your way back to the main entrance of the visitors building. It was a race against time (and Velociraptors), but in the end, you all made it safely back to the ground and the T. Rex took care of the raptors.

“Come on,” Alan ushered the kids, you and Ellie out the front door. You felt like you were going to pass out just from the adrenaline. Hammond and Ian were waiting outside in the jeep but you couldn’t bring yourself to say anything to either of them as you climbed in. Alan said something but you leaned back in the jeep seat, releasing a breath you didn’t even know you’d been holding.

You weren’t home safe yet but it sure felt like it.

After that, everything was a blur. The helicopter ride home was silent, everyone contemplating everything they had just witnessed on the island. For once, even the great Ian Malcolm had nothing to say.

You leaned against him and he let you, clearly just as happy as you were to be in the same vicinity once again.

Upon landing in Costa Rica, the group went their separate ways. Hammond went off with his grandchildren, Ellie needed medical care and Alan went with her, Ian needed his own care so you went with him. You wondered if you’d ever get to see those people again. It was a strange thing to bond over, but you felt like you were all that much closer now that you’d been through this together.

Ian was out for a while so you pulled up a chair and slept beside the hospital bed.

“(Y/n)?” You awoke to someone saying your name, visions of giant lizard monsters danced in your vision for a few moments longer as you blinked awake.

You would surely be having nightmares of that for a long time.

Ian was awake, he had shifted himself into a sitting position, his hand on yours. You met his eyes, there was a lot that needed to be said. You wanted to tell him everything that had happened, with Alan and the kids and the raptors and-

You hugged him instead, it was strange, even though the two of you were fairly close, neither of you had ever been huge fans of physical contact.

He hugged you back though.

“That was the worst vacation ever…” You whispered, pulling away slightly to look into his eyes.

He chuckled. “Next time you can pick, no more dinosaur islands. I promise.”

You suddenly became aware of the very little space between the two of you. This was the closest the two of you had ever been in a non joking manner. It felt like being separated from each other on a dinosaur infested island had changed something in your dynamic, though you weren’t sure what it was. The smile on his face faded slightly and he reached up, closing the distance between the two of you, hand gently pressed to your cheek.

That’s what it was. The dynamic between you two had DEFINITELY changed.

“I’ve, uh, always wanted to do that.” He sounded slightly guilty, pulling away.

There were butterflies in your stomach and somehow the world seemed to be spinning. You laughed nervously, something about experiencing this so soon after a near death experience was hilarious to you.

"Funnily enough, me too," you admit, pressing your forehead to his. It's really too soon to know what this really means or if this is all just a crazy reaction to being separated and not able to see each other but you don't even care.

You could put a label on it later, he would agree. For now the two of you had each other and you were never letting go. And if Ian asked you to sleep with him later that night and if the two of you awoke each other from nightmares screaming only to comfort each other, nobody else needed to know.

You'd always had a special bond. This just made it stronger.

[beauty-and-passion]

I am pissed.

Let me rephrase that: I am euphorically pissed.

I had my pretty little plan: I wanted to write the analysis for CLBG and I actually started. I was so happy to write about my favourite episode! I still want to do it, because there are a lot of interesting things to talk about, like the details, the body language, the words, the plot and so on.

And after that, I would’ve started the next analysis. And the one after that. I am closer and closer to the end of this mini-series and, like every time I get close to the conclusion of a project, I also get a lot more energies.

Also because this mini series will end (for now, at least) with a big post about season three and I need some time to plan that. So I wanted to close the analyses of the past episodes to focus on that too.

After that, I have other projects outside Sanders Sides I want to talk about. I have something written already, but I am also leaving something new on the side to properly talk about it.

Oh and let's not forget the fanfiction I am planning. This one required A LOT of research and by “a lot” I mean it. It is very challenging, more challenging than anything else I’ve tried until now. And I have to be extra careful about what I write and how I write it, in order to sound realistic.

But it is also fun, because there will be Janus and Remus, my beloved chaotic besties. I want to write Remus being a creepy idiot, I want to show Janus’ affection towards Thomas, I want to write Thomas dealing with them and vice versa. There is a lot I want to write, but I need an outline first and I still haven’t written it because, you know, analyses first.

So I had my plans and my ideas and the will to do everything.

But then Mr. Sanders looked at all my careful planning and said "Mmmh, you know what? That sounds like the perfect moment to drop a new video with so much moceit and so much aesthetic to fill a continent".

I always said that, one day, I was going to write a moceit. I just need a good idea, I said. I just need something that helps me organize everything and, most importantly, to keep it short. This couple has too much to offer and I can't write an endless story. I need a plan, before writing.

Then this video came out and a simple image popped in my mind. Not a story, not a plot, just an image.

Very nice, I thought, just enjoying it. Very nice, my brain thought, while working and building stuff around it.

Moral of the story: I got my idea. And I wrote 11 pages in three days. Of the story? No, silly, of the outline. I wrote 11 GODDAMN PAGES just about the outline. And they would’ve been even more, if I wrote the entire dialogues I summarized.

Just to give you an idea: there’s a part I summarized as “they talk about Anxiety leaving the dark sides”. Not exactly a theme you can solve in a couple lines of dialogue (in fact, it will take an entire scene).

It’s going to be long. And by “long” I mean that there are going to be three parts and each part will probably have at least two chapters. I need them not only because of how long this thing is going to be, but also because I want to use both Janus’ and Patton’s pov and alternating them between chapters seems like the best solution.

Also, there are some scenes I specifically imagined with one of their povs, so I really need them to alternate.

And I am absolutely, completely captivated by this. I want to write this and lose my mind, trying to make every word sound perfect. I want to show exactly what I see and to give them the romantic development they deserve. I want to explore their relationship and to make it sound realistic. I want to talk about trust and love and passion and trust again.

So if you were hoping for other fanfictions, blame Mr. Sanders. If you were hoping for more analyses, still blame Mr. Sanders. Now I have to write my moceit and I will do it, because this idea is eating my brain and I have to put it down on (virtual) paper.

I apologize in advance for the future lacks of updates. However, if you want, I can still give you completely out of context details about this, just for the sake of you asking yourself wtf am I even writing.

[sleeping-on-cracking-ice]

Hello, my request is for Niragi ✨ Y/N was popular in high school and always protect him when he was bully. When they saw each other in Bordeland, she saw how much he changed and keep her distance from him (which he hates), and she have an attitude that make one of the militants wants to attack her but Niragi protect her like she did with him bc he would never admit her but she's his only weakness

Yessss I’ve actually been wanting to write something for Niragi that sounds very similar so I’m glad you requested this! Thanks so much! 💕

You’re Everything You Once Hated | Suguru Niragi

PART 1 | PART 2

{Alice In Borderland Masterlist}

Character(s): Niragi (ft. The guys that bullied Niragi, Ann, Hatter, OC’s)

Summary: You and Niragi were best friends in high school. When you arrive in the Borderlands, you notice he’s not the person he used to be, causing you to avoid him. But unfortunately, he’s not happy about it.

Warnings: swearing, bullying, smoking, drinking, violence, threatening, bullet wounds, implications of sexual assault

Word Count: 7.1k

*reader is female

Niragi gif credit

4 Years Earlier…

The young boy grunted out in pain, having been hit with another rock right between his eyes. This one managed to crack his glasses, making his vision go all distorted.

His classmates around him roared with laughter. His heart filled with both anger and sorrow, wanting nothing more than to dissolve into the wind and out of his current situation.

“Aww, little Niragi has become quiet. Where’s those sarcastic remarks from earlier, they seemed to have left you,” his attacker mocked, adding a mean tone to his voice.

Just the usual. ‘Maybe they might end their target practice with me earlier today,’ he hoped.

He had grown used to it. He now expected to be dragged under the bridge each day on his way home from high school, being pushed around and roughed up. It’s not like he could’ve defended himself anyway. It was six guys against one, he never had a chance.

A short jab to the back of his neck broke him out of his thoughts. He groaned and doubled over, feeling as he was going to throw up. “Come on Niragi, fight back! It’s no fun when you just stand there,” the blonde student complained, striding over to the weakened boy. He gave him a quick kick to his side, making him fall on his hip harshly.

“Fuck off,” Niragi groaned under his breath, half hoping his tormentor didn’t hear it. But unfortunately, the small remark reached his ears.

“What was that? Did you just try to defend yourself? You’re going to have to use a lot more than just a few words you fucking loner,” the boy poked, giving Niragi another harsh kick to his stomach, making him become winded and choke on air.

He laid there taking their harsh words and hearing their mocking laughter ring in his ears. What did he ever do to deserve that?

“Hey Haru!”

The blonde turned his attention from his target to the direction of the voice that called his name. There you stood, by yourself with no one else. You obviously didn’t think the situation through before throwing yourself into it. You remained near the stairs that led down to below the bridge, holding something behind your back, but Haru seemed to not notice it.

Your heart skipped a beat when the group of high school boys all locked eyes with you, confused about what you were doing interrupting them.

“The fuck do you want Y/N?” the blonde, Haru, asked you in an annoyed tone.

You gulped before answering him, trying to sound as threatening as you could without your voice cracking. “Let him go! He’s done nothing to you, why are you giving him a hard time?” you spat at him, taking a few brave steps closer to the scene in front of you.

Niragi slightly lifted himself off the ground to look over at you. He recognized you from his social studies class. You both sat together at the back, and he always thought you were too nice for your own good.

Niragi sat up and shook his head, trying to warn you to stop what you were doing. He didn’t want to drag you into his own problems. He would’ve felt awful if you happened to get hurt while trying to help him.

Haru rolled his eyes and groaned at you. “Why are you getting involved? This is none of your business,” he retorted, walking closer to you with the baseball bat in hand. You watched with fearful eyes as he swung the bat around, obviously to threaten you.

Your heart quickened and you felt it pound against your ribcage dramatically. As Haru got closer and closer, you stood your ground bravely, still holding your hand behind your back to hide your weapon from him. You weren’t stupid enough to get yourself involved without having some kind of way to defend yourself.

“Well? Are you going to answer me or just stand and shake like the pathetic girl you are?” Haru tormented, a confident smirk growing across his face.

His comment made your blood boil. “Do you have a saviour complex or something? Why did you think you could help this son of a bitch?” he pressed, gesturing towards Niragi who was slowly rising to his feet with a worried expression on his face.

That was it. He was getting far too close to you for your own liking, so you decided that comment was the final straw. You rushed towards him and pulled out the large can of pepper spray from behind your back, aiming directly at his smug face.

He cried out in pain the moment the spray hit his eyes, dropping the baseball bat and covering his face with his hands. He tried desperately to rub the stinging liquid out of his eye with his school blazer sleeves, but it wasn’t worth the effort as it only made it worse.

You moved quickly and picked up the bat that he dropped, running past him towards the other boys that were still gathered around Niragi. They all held shocked expressions on their faces.

“You want some too?” you bluntly asked, thrusting the pepper spray towards them. They all flinched and stumbled to get away. You smiled, feeling empowered.

Haru and the others ran, thinking that beating up Niragi wasn’t worth being blinded for.

You turned towards the bloodied boy standing against the wall looking at you in shock. You glanced at him, giving him a friendly smile. He returned it.

After that, you two became inseparable for the rest of your high school days, spending every waking moment together. With your tough attitude and Niragi’s shy demeanour, you were a strange friendship to have been made. You thought you would always stay together, until one day Niragi went missing.

You never guessed where he may have ended up, until you were sent there yourself a few years later.

*************

You breathed in a huge gulp of oxygen as the black bag was harshly pulled off your head. You tried to wiggle your hands to shield your eyes from the blinding sunlight seeping through the windows but struggled as you saw that your hands were tied to the armrests on either side of you. You groaned in frustration.

As the curtains closed so you could see probably, you saw a young woman with short black hair dressed in blue shorts and a white button up that was tied at the waist. “Sorry,” she began. “I forgot to close that before removing the bag.”

You looked around at your surroundings. You noticed that there were several more people in the room. The room was large, stretching down further until it came to a stop at the end where a large wall stood, conveying a huge spray painting across it that consisted of every card from a deck of cards. Some were crossed out, while a few number cards and all face cards remained untouched.

You whipped your head around, feeling restless from the number of eyes staring at you. You don’t remember how you got into this situation. All you remember is walking to a large light in the distance from your position on a bridge, being curious as to how it seemed to be the only building with electricity. Before you knew it, someone had grabbed you by the shoulders and shoved something over your head, making your vision go black and suddenly passing out.

You moaned in pain as you felt the back of your head throbbed, probably from when they punched you to knock you out.

“What’s going on?” you asked, struggling in your restraints more, trying to break free. An older man with glasses scolded you. “Stay still, Hatter will be here soon.”

Just as he promised, two large doors on your left burst open, revealing a man with a long decorative robe and dark glasses on. He had two other men beside him, both holding revolver guns.

“Ah! A newcomer!” he exclaimed excitedly, taking a big sip from his drink.

You froze, watching as he strides into the room further, making himself comfortable on a table in the centre of the room.

“A few of my militants tell me they found you sneaking around nearby The Beach,” he accused, pointing his finger at you.

You stared at him; confusion written all over your face. Militants? The Beach? What was he talking about?

After you didn’t answer him for a moment, he let out a big sigh and jumped off the table onto his feet, beginning to talk himself.

He explained the current situation to you. About how the dynamic at The Beach worked, and that considering the number of high-level cards you had on your person, you seemed to be the perfect candidate to add to the ranks of everyone there.

“And remember, death to the traitors,” he said, spite filling his tone. He had listed off the three main rules to you, each one adding more dread for you.

“Okay, all good. But I just want to say. If you want people to help you collect cards, kidnapping them isn’t the best idea. If it hasn’t hit you yet, that would make people want to help you less,” you smartly said, trying to stop your lips pulling up into a smirk.

All the heads in the room turned to Hatter. No one has ever questioned his motives to his face before, especially a newcomer.

Except, he didn’t get angry like everyone expected. Instead, he chuckled and held his drink out towards you. “Cheers to that, I guess. Have fun!”

************

The Beach was a lot more crowded than you expected. Your eyes almost popped out of your head when you walked down to the bottom floor to the pool. People were everywhere; dancing, swimming, drinking, talking, smoking. It honestly couldn’t have been more chaotic than it already was.

You spent most of the remainder of the day becoming familiar with the layout of the hotel. You found the room that you had been assigned to. You managed to score a room that was a little above average. Hatter decided to give you the benefit of the doubt and gift you a higher number due to your high number cards. He thought it was only fair.

You were sitting at a table nearby the bar. The sun had gone down but the party continued on through the chilly night air. You shivered, not being used to being dressed in a bathing suit twenty-four seven. You were annoyed that you weren’t even allowed to wear some sweatpants to bring you some kind of warmth. You guessed you would just have to grow used to feeling the cold on your skin.

The warm beverage slipped down your throat, bringing you at least a little bit of comfort. You had made yourself a coffee inside, not in the mood for alcohol just yet. You honestly didn’t like drinking without having anyone you trusted around you, just in case something was to happen.

You looked around the area, taking in everyone’s faces to see if anyone appeared friendly enough to be nice to you. You needed to make some allies before the next game, otherwise you would be the first they would sacrifice.

As you scanned the crowd, your gaze landed on a particular male, who was sitting in a more done up booth nearby the pool. He was wearing a black and white checkered shirt with black skinny jeans. He had several piercings in his face, making him seem more threatening.

You squinted your eyes. Why did he look so familiar? You swore you’ve seen him before.

You kept your gaze locked on him, watching as he communicated with the people sitting near him. You noticed that a huge sniper rifle was tucked behind him. He must have been a high-ranking militant, being able to carry a weapon like that around.

He suddenly flung his head back and let out a roar of laughter at something the guy next to him had said. You froze in your spot.

You could recognize that laugh anywhere. That loud, obnoxious laugh that used to come from your old friend Niragi from high school. Your best friend that randomly disappeared.

You blinked a few times before looking back at him. His facial features did match and the way he smiled seemed way too familiar to not be him.

How could he be here? Is this where he disappeared to a couple of years ago?

Your heart filled with joy and a wide grinned grew on your face. That had to be Niragi! Who else would it be?

You quickly stood to your feet, almost tripping on your chair in the process and began making your way towards his position.

Although, as you did so, another man approached him from behind, leaning over the seat and tapping his shoulder. Niragi turned with an angered scowl on his face, but it turned to a smirk once he heard what the man had to tell him.

You stopped in your tracks and watched as he leaped over the backrest of the couch suddenly, following the man with his rifle slung over his shoulders. They were headed to the door that led inside, so you quickly followed, wanting to reunite with your old friend from so long ago.

“Niragi!” you yelled out happily, trying to get his attention. A few heads turned at your voice around you, but he didn’t manage to hear you over the sound of the music blaring through the speakers.

“Niragi!” you tried again, but this time you were blocked by a few people in your way. A small crowd gathered in front of you, not noticing you trying to get past.

Niragi turned his head at the mention of his name but couldn’t see anyone calling his attention. He shrugged it off and kept following the man. He had told him that a young guy was causing some trouble inside one of the halls, so he was going to take care of it.

As you finally managed to force yourself through the small crowd that interrupted your path, you saw the Niragi and the man had already made it inside. You ran straight after them. You were feeling ecstatic, ready to throw your arms around him and give him the biggest hug ever to make up for all the days you’ve been apart.

As you quickly made your way inside, you caught a glance of his checkered shirt turning the corner a bit ahead of you. You moved your legs as quick as you could, trying to catch up.

You turned the corner, about to yell out to him again, but your voice got caught in your throat when the sight in front of you met your eyes.

“You really thought you could get away with this?!”

Niragi had a young boy pinned to the ground, pressing his boot against his upper back and shoving the barrel of his rifle against his skull violently. The boy below him was crying and begging for his mercy.

You had a small flashback to high school, when you saw Niragi’s main bully Haru shoving a baseball bat against the back of his head, him lying on the ground battered and bloodied.

It was the exact same scene. Only this time, Niragi was the tormentor himself.

“Niragi, I’m sorry! It won’t happen again!” he cried desperately, clawing at the floor trying to get away.

Niragi lifted his other boot and stamped it down roughly onto the boy’s hand. You covered your mouth as you heard a few bones crack.

He leaned down closer to the boy’s face and lifted his head up his hair, making him whimper in pain. “If I ever see you stealing from one of the executives again, this rifle will go down your throat and I won’t hesitate to blow the back of your skull out,” he hissed, sticking out his tongue and revealing the ball piercing he had.

The boy nodded, leaning away from Niragi as best as he could.

The man who led Niragi to the scene tapped him on the shoulder. “Alright that’s enough. You don’t want to give him PTSD,” he said calmly.

Niragi let out an annoyed groan. “But I was just getting started with him!” he whined, letting the boy out from under his boot and watching as he scuttled away like a bug.

You couldn’t move. You stayed put as the boy pushed past you, accidentally smacking into your shoulder in the process. Your eyes remained wide, staring at the tall man with fear written across your face.

This was not the Niragi you knew. It was not the Niragi you defended from those bullies. This was not the Niragi that used to be your closest friend, possessing a shy and timid personality. No, that Niragi was dead now. This was a devil standing in front of you. Nothing but a violent jerk that struck fear in anyone that he came across. What happened to him?

Unfortunately, you took a little too long to gather your thoughts and before you knew it, a rough grip was on your shoulders shaking you out of your daydream. You flinched in a panic as you saw Niragi’s angered face appear in front of yours.

“What are you looking at? You want some too?” he growled, shoving the barrel of his gun against your temple. You froze, staring into his dark, evil eyes, not knowing what to do.

You watched in confusion as his hard and angry facial features softened, rage turning into surprise, and even concern.

“Oh my god,” he whispered, taking his hands off your shoulders and backing a way a bit in shock. You kept your eyes on him. You wanted nothing but for him to recognize you a few minutes before, but now you weren’t so sure.

“Y/N?!” he exclaimed suddenly, causing you to jump as his tone. A large smile grew on his face, only you viewed it as nothing but sinister and evil.

“Oh my god Y/N! Since when did you get here?!” he asked excitedly. He quickly moved towards you again and held his arms out to give you a hug, but you backed away and shook your head, making him frown.

“What’s wrong? Don’t you recognize me? It’s me! Niragi! Your best friend!”

You shook your head again, trying to get the message across that you didn’t want him near you. “Sorry Niragi,” you mumbled, trying hard to keep your tears in.

You quickly darted around the corner, making your way to the staircase to run to your room. You felt overwhelmed. After everything that happened today, finding out that your closest friend was now a murderer was the last thing you needed.

Your stomach dropped as you heard heavy footsteps following closely behind you.

“Wait Y/N! Please let me explain!” he tried to stop you, but you weren’t going to give him any time after that performance with the young boy.

“Piss off Niragi!” you yelled, climbing the stairs as fast as you could, trying to get away from him.

You turned onto the floor that your room was located on, sprinting down the hallway. You glanced back over your shoulder to see that Niragi wasn’t that far behind you. He had dropped his rifle, now trying to catch up to you empty handed.

You quickly busted through your door and immediately pressed your entire body weight on it. You silently cursed Hatter for not letting you have locks.

You heard him arrive in front of it, immediately trying to open it, but you stood your ground. He may have been tall, but there was nothing but skin and bones on him. He had no muscles to help him push through.

You held the door shut with your leg and reached for a chair to put against the handle so we wouldn’t be able to open it. You managed to secure it underneath the handle and stood back, watching as Niragi tried to open it again, but failing.

“Y/N please just let me in! Let me explain! I didn’t mean for you to see that!” he cried. You almost felt guilty, hearing as he started tearing up behind the door while still attempting to let himself in.

“Please Y/N! Let me in! I missed you!”

You covered your ears with your hands. You didn’t want to listen to his pleas, it would do nothing but make you feel bad for him.

That wasn’t Niragi outside your door, that was a cold-blooded killer that you wanted nothing to do with.

**************

The next few days you spend on alert around The Beach, looking around every corner for Niragi. As much as you’ve missed him the past few years, that event that occurred with the young boy obviously showed that he was no longer the nice and caring friend that you used to have. If anything, he now has become what he hated most in his high school days, a selfish and careless bully.

Who wants to be associated with someone like that? Not you.

Although even though you managed to avoid him in person, his name was brought up wherever you went. A few people would approach you during the day and warn you that Niragi was looking for you. It only would make your anxiety spike, causing you to scatter off to a more secluded place somewhere at The Beach. Most of the time you would hide in your room, but on the few occasions you climbed to the roof or hung around Alice and Usagi (who you had befriended), you managed to keep away from the psychopath.

One day, you were sitting out on one of the tables out by the pool. It was still quite early in the morning, so there wasn’t a lot of people around. The air was quite nippy, making you shiver against the cold breeze. You rubbed your arms up and down, trying to warm yourself up. Unfortunately, you hadn’t grown used to the ‘always wear bathers’ policy yet.

You felt a gentle hand lay itself on your shoulder, making your eyes widen and your head whip around to yell at whoever had dared to touch you, but you held in your harsh remark when your eyes met with Niragi’s.

“Finally! I found you!” he exclaimed, a sickening smile spreading across his face. You leant away from his touch, scooting your butt along the seat of the table, trying to make distance between the two of you.

Niragi obviously didn’t like this.

“Why are you avoiding me like I’m some kind of disease? I just want to talk to you! I haven’t seen you in years!” he said annoyed, taking a seat at the table.

You eyed his sniper rifle closely, watching as he placed it down on the table in front of him. You felt somewhat relieved that the barrel was pointing away from you. Who knew when he would decide to use that vicious weapon against you?

You blinked, not daring to say anything. You wanted to get out of the situation as soon as possible. It was unbearably uncomfortable.

“Sorry Niragi, I have to go,” you stated, standing up out of your seat and moving to turn away.

Niragi gripped the back of your hoodie and pulled you so you sat down again, making you yelp in surprise. “No, you don’t. Stop avoiding me,” he growled, placing an arm around your shoulders and pulling you closer to him.

You closed your eyes tightly in discomfort. You swore you were so close you could hear his heart beating. With a short shove to the side, you got out of his grip and stood up again.

“No, I do. I’m sorry but I really don’t want to talk to you,” you bluntly said, becoming agitated from his insistent behaviour. Why did he think he could just tell you what to do?

He frowned, standing up as well. “Fine then, I’ll just come too. I don’t care if you don’t want to talk to me. You don’t get a choice.”

You rolled your eyes and quickly started walking away from him, hoping to at least get a head-start to stay away from him. You heard him jog up to you as you kept walking, seeing his shadow appear right next to you.

You became more and more anxious the longer he followed you. He started to get a little too comfortable in his movements, even having the audacity to touch your hair and comment on how much it’s grown.

It got to a point where you had walked all the way to the lobby about three times, realizing that he wasn’t even focusing on where you were going. You turned around just as he was reaching to grab your hand, looking him in the eye with anger written all over your face.

“Can you not take a hint?! Leave me the fuck alone!” you yelled, watching as his face contorted into shock at your tone.

“I don’t want to have anything to do with you Niragi! You’re fucking insane and sadistic! Has it not occurred to you that you’ve literally become the soul thing that you hated in high school?!” you sassed, anger ripping from your words and smacking him in the face.

The few people in the lobby turned their heads at the sound of your arguing, being curious due to not seeing anyone ever dare to yell such vulgar words towards Niragi.

He tucked his hand into his jeans pocket and readjusted the rifle on his shoulder, almost looking bored. “Yeah? And what would that be?” he asked, licking his bottom lip while staring at your menacingly.

You cringed as his movements. “A fucking asshole! A little bitch that preys on those weaker than him just so he can project his own hatred for himself onto them! You’re pathetic Niragi, and it’s a real shame that no one has in this shithole has told you so. Because no one knows you like I know you, and I know that on the inside, you hate yourself more than anyone could ever hate you.”

You took in a deep breath, regaining your strength. You suddenly saw the irony in your words. You accused Niragi of projecting his anger onto others when you just did it yourself.

Niragi rolled his eyes, bringing his rifle down off his shoulder and fiddling with the bullet canister. You felt your heart stop from his actions, being afraid that he was going to use it on you.

“Don’t act like you don’t miss me Y/N,” he laughed, glancing his eyes back up to you.

You grunted in annoyance. “Just leave me alone, please,” you begged, turning around and leaving Niragi to the peeping eyes still staring at you both.

He turned his head to everyone in the lobby. As he did so, everyone turned back to what they were doing, being afraid of being caught staring and yelled at by him.

“That’s right. Mind your own business,” he shouted out across the lobby to make sure everyone heard.

He watched you as you walked away, eventually turning the corner to go search for Alice and Usagi. At least they would give you some kind of security after what just happened.

He chuckled to himself, sticking his pierced tongue out and running it across his lips once again. “Just you wait Y/N, you’ll come running back to me soon enough. You can only keep that tough façade up for so long. Just wait until people find out that you’re all bark and no bite.”

************

You stumbled your way to the entrance of the hotel, head throbbing in pain and legs aching from the muscle strain you’ve put on them. You had arrived back from your game, being the only one that managed to survive. You didn’t feel well, both physically and emotionally, so you were planning on slipping into a coma for a few days to sleep off the pain that you were feeling at that moment.

It felt like a huge effort to even lift your feet. You didn’t feel like talking to anyone, so you weren’t even thinking of checking in on Alice or Usagi. You said to yourself you would look for them tomorrow. You were in too much of a bad mood to engage in conversation. You’d probably end up snapping at them, which wouldn’t be fair on them since they just completed a harsh game themselves.

As you were just about to enter through the large glass doors before a young militant woman with short blonde hair pushed through before you even had the chance. She managed to even knock your shoulder during the process, making you hiss in pain.

She looked you up and down with a disgusted expression on her face. “Watch where you’re going,” she spat before continuing walking inside.

You rolled your eyes. “Bitch,” you mumbled under your breath.

Her head quickly whipped around to meet your eye, an angered scowl on her face. “Excuse me?” she said in disbelief.

Your words got stuck in your throat. She wasn’t meant to have heard that. “I-I…”

“I-I..” she mocked you. You felt your adrenaline skyrocket. You’ve heard of this girl; she doesn’t take things lightly.

“Look I’m sorry, it just slipped out I promise,” you stammered out, putting your hands up in a surrender. You weren’t in the mood for dealing with her shit, you were grumpy and tired. You hoped she would let you off with just a warning.

But she had different plans.

She grabbed you by the back of your hoodie, dragging you outside again and brought you over to a small alleyway that ran along the side of the hotel. You struggled in her grip and protested the whole way.

Although, you stopped fighting against her when she shoved you against a brick wall and pulled a revolver out of her jacket pocket, pushing it underneath your chin. You froze and looked at her with pleading eyes, begging for her to have mercy.

“You’ve messed with the wrong person you bitch,” she growled, giving you a quick jab to the ribs. You yelped in pain, clutching your side. It hurt ten times more, considering you’ve already faced a horrific game that same night.

“I’m sorry!” you cried, feeling tears welling up in your eye sockets.

She scoffed and smirked at you. “Wow, all bark and no bite huh?” she teased, throwing a kick to your shin, making you cry harder.

Her words angered you, making you see red for a short moment. You forgot about the revolver against your chin and gave her a quick punch to the jaw, making her head whip sideways.

She groaned, clutching her face and slowly turned back to you. You felt yourself fill with regret when you saw the look on her face. She looked like she was ready to kill you.

“Is that how you want it? Fine, have a hole in your foot. Maybe it’ll manage to get you and your attitude killed off in the next game,” she snarled.

Your stomach dropped at her words. Before you could even protest, she pulled away and aimed the gun towards the ground and blew a quick bullet in the top of your foot.

You cried out, kneeling and grasping your foot in your hands in pain, biting your tongue so you didn’t scream too loud. The pain of the bullet seeped from your foot and up your leg, spreading across your body.

The militant girl stood above you, laughing at your pathetic body lying on the ground. Your screams of pain brought her pleasure.

“Didn’t think this would happen when you bad mouthed me, didn’t you?!” she laughed, leaning down and pushing the gun against your head to threaten you more.

Another gunshot rang in your ears. For a moment you thought it was her and that she had put a bullet through your head, killing you. But then you heard a cry and saw the girl fall in the ground holding your shin with her head thrown back in a silent scream.

You were about to attempt to stand up to take this opportunity to run, but quickly jumped back down to the ground when another loud gunshot filled the air. You heard the bullet colliding with flesh as the girl flinched violently and cried out again.

You heard a menacing male laugh fill the air, and you glanced down the alleyway to see where it came from.

There stood Niragi, holding his sniper rifle out towards you both with smoke protruding from the barrel of it. A psychotic grin was painted across his face and you swore you saw his eyes shine red.

“Why are you giving my poor love a hard time?! Maybe think twice before you put a bullet through my property,” he exclaimed, chucking and walking up to the girl giving her a harsh kick to the ribs.

You felt like you were about to throw up and hearing some of her ribs crack from the collision of her chest to his boot did not help your nausea.

You rubbed your eyes and pressed your forehead against the ground. You wanted to wake up, like this was all some bad dream. Before you knew it, you were silently sobbing on the floor, tears rolling out of your eyes and down your cheeks.

You felt two arms wrap around you, lifting you off the cold stone floor and into a warm chest. You winced and whined as the bullet wound in your foot shot a searing pain through your leg. Niragi shushed you quietly.

“Shh, it’s okay. I’ve got you,” he whispered, placing his cheek on top of your head.

His behaviour was giving you whiplash. One second ago he was acting like a maniac, shooting holes through a young girl, but now he was carrying you by under your knees and your shoulders, your head tucked into his neck.

You were exhausted, your body not even listening to you. You tried to move your leg to force yourself out of his grip but didn’t even have the strength to lift it. Your head was throbbing, and you could’ve passed out easily in his arms, but forced yourself to stay awake.

As Niragi walked past the lobby to get to the medical room, he attracted a few worried faces. Some even stood up to walk over and ask if you were okay. Everyone was terrified he had bad intentions with you, knowing how he was.

He ignored the few that approached both of you, rushing down the hall to escape them. He had to get there quickly so Ann could treat your bullet wound.

When he arrived, he pushed through the door harshly and called out to Ann with a worried tone. She stopped what she was doing and turned to the door to see Niragi holding you close to him protectively, blood dripping into the ground from your shoe.

“Shit, bring her here.” She gestured towards an empty table in the middle of the room. Niragi rushed over and placed you gently on the metal table, letting you lean your upper body against him.

Ann brought over some large tweezers, a cloth, disinfectant and a bandage. You flinched at the sight of the tweezers, moving to get away from her. “No, no!” you begged, trying to crawl up the table to get away, but Niragi grabbed your waist and pinned you against his chest.

“We have to get the bullet out Y/N, we can’t just leave it in there!” he argued, brushing your hair out of your face to calm you down.

You struggled against his grip as Ann held down your foot and carefully removed your shoe and sock. You looked down and saw a small hole in the top of your foot. How could such a small injury cause so much pain?

“Alright Niragi, keep her still. This is going to hurt,” Ann said shallowly, picking up the tweezers to try and remove the bullet.

“Yep.” You felt his grip on you tighten and he tucked his chin on your head. “Please just keep still Y/N, I’m here. It’s okay,” he cooed. His reassuring words didn’t do much to ease your anxiety.

Niragi turned your face so you were nuzzled into his chest. He knew that making you watch Ann take the bullet would do nothing but freak you out more, so he wanted to protect you from the sight.

You felt fine until the pain in your foot suddenly skyrocketed, making you let out a piercing scream. You bit your tongue to try and quieten yourself, but it didn’t do much.

Niragi frowned as he suddenly felt you go limp against him. He looked down at your face to see you had passed out, eyes shut tight and letting out soft breaths.

He smiled and brushed his fingers across your face. “So cute,” he mumbled.

“Well, that’s better. Maybe if we just knocked her out with a quick jab to the head, it would’ve saved us the headache of trying to keep her down,” Ann stated bluntly, causing Niragi to laugh.

“You know how this happened?” she asked him, raising her eyebrows.

“A bitch shot her just outside the hotel,” he said with an angry tone.

Ann didn’t seem surprised. Events like that occurred a lot. She had removed a lot of bullets the time she had been there.

“What happened to the girl? Did she run when she saw you?”

“I didn’t give her the chance to. She copped two bullets into her body for doing that to Y/N.”

“Did you think maybe Y/N was the one giving her a hard time?”

“Doesn’t matter. I only saw her shoot the bullet, nothing else.”

“Fair enough.”

***********

You cracked your eyes open to a room that most definitely wasn’t your own. You groaned and sat up, wincing when the pain in your foot shot through your leg. Memories of yesterday filled your head. “I must have passed out in the medical room,” you said to yourself.

You scanned the room. It was much bigger than yours. The bed you were in was three times the size of yours, and this room even had a huge balcony. As you looked around more, you noticed that a bag of your stuff was placed near the closet.

You frowned. Why was your stuff from your room here?

Suddenly the door opened to reveal Niragi, walking in with a plate of a bread roll and a bottle of water. He saw you awake and smiled.

“Aw little mouse is awake. How’s your foot?” he purred.

You cringed at the pet name. “What’s it to you, dickhead,” you growled, getting out of the bed and standing up. You were wearing the same clothes that you wore to the game yesterday, minus the shoes and the jacket.

Niragi smirked and placed the food on a small table in the centre of the room. “Have you forgotten who saved your pathetic ass yesterday?” he asked, approaching you. “And also, don’t stand on that foot. It’s injured, you have to rest it.” He pushed on your shoulder lightly to make you sit on the bed again. He sat himself next to you and leaned towards your face.

You moved away from his face, hating how close he was to you. “Yeah, but how did you know I even needed help? And don’t tell me you were just going on a short stroll through the alleyway at eleven at night,” you said, scooting up the bed and leaning your back against the wooden bedhead.

Niragi chuckled. “What if I was? Are you accusing me of stalking?” he suggested.

You shook your head. “Why is my stuff here,” you asked, changing the subject.

Niragi glanced over at the bag full of your stuff on the ground near the closet. He turned back to you with a smile on his face. “Oh yeah! I forgot to say, you’re moving in with me,” he said excitedly.

You felt your stomach drop. “What? I didn’t agree to this.” You swung your legs over the side of the bed and attempted to stand again. You could only place pressure on one foot, so you stood on one leg.

“Oh, baby. I don’t care if you don’t want to. You’re in here with me now, whether you like it or not,” he growled, reaching out towards you waiting for you to place your hand in his.

You stared at him, trying to see if he was joking or not. But from the serious look on his face, you didn’t think he was.

“I’m not staying in here with you. You’re a fucking psycho.”

You attempted to limp over to the door, wanting to escape Niragi as soon as possible. But you didn’t expect him to be so insistent on you staying.

A sudden arm around your waist spun your around and Niragi pinned you against the door, his face far too close to yours for it to be comfortable. “Did you not just hear me? You don’t get a choice love. You’re stuck with me,” he rasped into your face with a scary smile across his.

Your breath hitched and you turned your head away as he moved his face closer, trying to force his lips against yours. You felt helpless.

“Niragi please. Let me go, I’m sorry if I ever angered you,” you begged, pushing on his chest, but he wouldn’t budge. “I promise if you let me go, we can go back to how we were in high school.” You were trying to do anything that would get him off you. Your heart was racing, and you were becoming more frightened by the second.

Niragi licked a long and slow stripe from your collar bone to the back of your ear. You cringed and sobbed at the feeling of his tongue and saliva on your skin. “Maybe I don’t want it like it was back then. Maybe I want more Y/N,” he whispered.

He tucked his face into your neck and nipped at your skin. He had your arms pinned either side of you and his leg was holding your good foot against the door. You couldn’t do anything to defend yourself.

“What have you become Niragi,” you sobbed after a short moment.

Niragi removed himself from your neck, leaning back to look at you. You stared into his eyes, seeing the same dark and beautiful orbs that used to make your heart race with love in high school, only now, they made your heart race with fear.

“I’ve become the real me Y/N, and you’re going to love me, whether you want to or not.”