#I’ve literally dreamt about them pretty much every night for the past month

[tecnestheim962]

gimme your worms your brain worms

I have thousands of those and all of them look like this

[galactic-magick]

Dreams: Echo x Reader

Request: Prompt 6, please. Y/N loves every time they dream, where they can see 'Him', but when they wake up, it's a nightmare to find him, because his face is at the bar they work at, 79s. Now, that'd be fine, but the issue is, his face is on 87% of the customers. The Clone Troopers. So they gave up. After order 66, the dreams get more concerning and they have to leave Coruscant, and takes a job on another planet as a singer for Cid's Parlour(or something like). Finally meets him. Clone of your choosing.

Prompt #6: Soulmate AU where you can see your soulmate in your dreams

Summary: Having a soulmate that looks like the entire clone army has its challenges, enough to make you lose hope. But the possibility of love for you resurfaces when a cyborg man and his strange crew enter your life.

Words: 1200+

Warnings: none

Author’s Notes: I thought Echo would go best with this prompt since for most of his life he looked exactly like the other clones, whereas the rest of The Bad Batch might be more uniquely recognizable. Hope you enjoy!

-

-

-

You sigh, finishing the dishes and restocking the shelves. Once again, you had a beautiful dream about your soulmate last night, but woke up with no more hope of meeting them than you had before.

For most people, the mental link through the dreamscape is no trouble at all. They get to see their soulmate long before they meet them, and then they can easily recognize them when they finally do.

But not you. No, you just hadto have a soulmate who had the same face as the Galactic Republic’s entire army.

Sure, it’s pretty cool that your soulmate is a clone soldier fighting for you and all the other citizens in the galaxy. It’s worrying sometimes, hearing about all the harsh battles they go through, but you’re proud of whoever he is nonetheless. You hope one day he’ll find his way to you safely, and you can live a life together after the war is over.

Until then, though, you’re stuck working a job at 79s, a bar on Coruscant where the majority of the customers are clones.

You enjoy your job, you really do. You like mixing all the drinks and bringing out the food, and all the soldiers are very kind. It just hurts a bit to constantly see the face of your soulmate, and not a single one recognizing you.

As much as you try to push the thought out of your mind, sometimes you wonder if he’s dead. It’s certainly not an irrational possibility. Maybe the visions of him you have in your dreams are figments of the past, nothing more than a memory. Maybe he’s long gone, and you’re better off giving up and moving on.

-

Several months later, your life is entirely different.

It feels like the galaxy changed overnight. One day you were working your job and everything was normal, the next you witnessed a squad of clones chase a Jedi into the bar and shoot him. You ran, not knowing what else to do, all you knew is you weren’t safe anymore.

You took the little spare money you had to book a transport to a planet you have an old friend living on, and that’s where you’ve been ever since.

“I just…I still don’t get it,” you shake your head as you watch the Empire’s latest recruitment ad on the Holoscreen.

“What’s there not to get? The war’s over,” your friend shrugs.

“So why does everything almost feel worse?”

“It’ll settle down eventually,” they say. “Hopefully,”

You know your friend was never in the midst of the war like you were, living in the center of the galaxy and hearing all the battle stories, but gosh do you wish you could convey to them that what you saw before you left was much more horrifying. Seeing the soldiers you trusted for years all of a sudden kill the Jedi you also trusted and looked up to, the soldiers who shared the face of the man you’re destined to love.

Supposedly the Jedi were not to be relied upon anymore, something about corruption or treason, but you’re not sure you believe that. Something was off about the situation, and something was definitelyoff about the clones. And why would the Empire be putting so much effort into hiring non-clone soldiers if everything was fine?

Despite your concerns though, you understand that life has to go on. Eventually you take a job as an entertainer at a local lounge and buy your own place. You meet all sorts of people and try to forget your past and troubles. You can’t even remember the last time you saw the face of a clone, so even thoughts of your soulmate have started to slip your mind.

One night, midway through singing one of your most popular songs, you notice a particularly strange group come in. They wear armor similar to the clones and troopers, but it’s painted black and red, and a little girl tags along beside them. You continue, but you keep your eye on them.

One of them is significantly taller, speaking in a loud, gruff voice. One of them takes his helmet off to reveal some tattoos and a full head of wavy hair, and one looks to be deep in thought, hunched over a screen.

And the last one was walking towards you.

As you finish your song and step off the stage for your break, he slowly approaches you, his face still hidden.

“Hi,” he says, in a voice you still recognize even after some time.

You smile politely, but stay on your guard. You have no idea if this is a clone that can be trusted.

“Sorry if I startled you,” he must’ve noticed you tense up, “I just wanted to tell you you’re very talented, and-“

He stops.

“Well, thank you very much,” you nod, trying to ease the silence. “No need to apologize, I was just surprised to see one of you around here,”

“Yeah. Things are really different now,” his head falls a bit, “Can we- can we talk somewhere?”

“Uh, yeah. Sure,” you smile, leading him to the back room. You doubt he’s dangerous, if he and his crew were really out to get you they probably would’ve kidnapped you by now or something. They certainly look like they could.

He takes a deep breath, and you sit down.

“I think you’re my soulmate,” he finally says.

Your heart skips a beat, “What?”

“No, no, I don’t think. I know,” he fumbles. “Seeing your face was the only thing that kept me going when I was close to death, I’ve memorized your features more than any battle plan I’ve ever drawn. It must be you,”

“Wow, I-“ you gasp. “Holy shit,”

You stand up and look into the visor of his helmet. You can’t see his eyes, but you’ve seen them a million times before in a way.

“But…” you squint. “You’re different than the others, aren’t you?”

“We’re not with the Empire,” he assures you. “We-“

“Hey,” you bring a hand up to his covered face. “You can explain everything to me later. I’m just glad we’re together now,” your fingers fall to the bottom of the helmet. “Can I see you?”

“There’s…something you should know first,” he grabs your wrist with his human hand. “I was captured by the Separatists during the war, they- they turned me into a machine. I might not look like what you’ve seen in your dreams,”

You glance down at his cyborg arm you vaguely noticed when you first saw him. You can’t tell if his legs are also cybernetic as well, but with how happy you are just to be with your soulmate right now, you don’t really care.

“I will love you no matter what,” you promise him.

He releases your wrist, and you gently remove his helmet.

He has a device wrapped around his head and ears, and scars patched with metal on the top of his head. But beneath the years of suffering plaguing him, he’s still the same familiar face you’ve dreamt of.

You run your thumbs across his cheeks, meeting his eyes with a smirk, “You really thought I wouldn’t still find you handsome?”

“Yeah,” he chuckles.

You close the gap between you, placing a soft kiss on his lips, “You’re literally everything I’ve ever dreamed of,”

He smiles, pulling you back and holding you close. He doesn’t have to say anything else for you to know everything’s going to be alright, as long as you’re together.

[amyscascadingtabs]

✨creator tag meme✨

i’ve been tagged in this by @feeisamarshmallow @dolston17 and @arnies-bitch and i love doing these every year (self love!) so, even though this year has been a year of far less fic-writing for me for various reasons... here goes ❤️

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

listed chronologically in terms of date published;

💫 i’ll walk through hell with you

i know i chose this one last year as well, BUT, i did write and publish the two-three last chapters of this in 2020 so i’m including it again. i’m so freaking proud of this one. it was an experience to write and i did SO much research and i had such fun with it. writing the two last chapters was such a high and i remember i wrote the sixth one in like three days where i just couldn’t stop. it was also the last fic i wrote and published with my original peraltiago kiddos leah and olivia santiago-peralta and it was lovely to get to say goodbye to them in style. plus the way i literally predicted trying.. my mind ❤️ (i do have a document of the similarities and how i worded it vs how the show did it... if any fan of this is curious)

a favourite quote: 

But what I was actually trying to say was…” Jake blushes, and she can tell there’s a moment of emotional sincerity coming. “I’m with you. I know that. I also know that as long as I’m with you, all the bad stuff is survivable, and all the good stuff is a million times better. And I’d rather have hard days with you, and Lee, and I guess soon whoever this is,” he holds his hand to her stomach through her sweater, “than good days with anyone else.”

“Me too,” she snivels, having to wipe the tears on her shirt sleeve because of course, this is making her cry. “How’d you get so wise all of a sudden?”

“Married you,” he shrugs. “And had kids. Also, I got hella old.”

💫 paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans

was this possibly the only fic i wrote this year that was (almost) baby-free? probably. i blame it on season 7. but yes; i wrote a fic about rosa dealing with her breakup from jocelyn and it was great fun and made me want to write even more rosa (which i did!). she’s just great, and writing her with amy is incredible. plus, i got such amazing guidance from @vernonfielding with this one which i think truly brought out the best in this story. 

a favourite quote: 

“I hate it,” Rosa mutters. “I didn’t get a fucking choice. I never knew how much of a difference that made.”

“Well, now you know. It sucks. But...” Amy leans her head to the side. “Maybe that’s a good thing, too?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“If it hurts, that means it mattered, right? If you miss something, then there was something to miss in the first place. It means you opened yourself up and built something of meaning with someone. I know that doesn’t make it easier -”

Rosa snorts. “No, it doesn’t.”

“But it might mean that something can matter again,” Amy says, fixing her eyes on Rosa’s. “Someday. Even if it feels impossible right now.”

💫 bracing for the winds i always summon

we all know i love some sweet amy content... this was one of the things i wrote early on in covid quarantine life, and it brings out a lot of memories. i do still consider going back and editing the last parts so they can fully agree with canon, but i’ve not had the energy quite yet. either way, i’m really proud of the way i wove canon and minor episode details into this one. we got such limited pregnant amy content and i wanted more! i’ve reread this one a ton of times, because it’s just.. satisfying to me. i answered a lot of my own questions in it. filling in the holes!!

a favourite quote:

She’s felt protective of this life since the day she found out about it, but it’s a great and positive change to be able to feel like she’s starting to know the child she’s protecting. She doesn’t know his name, although it keeps being debated, or what he looks like aside from the gray-and-white sonogram pictures, but she knows he’s most awake at night before they go to bed and that he moves like crazy to the sound of Jake humming renditions of his favorite Taylor Swift-tunes to him, and it feels like the most important information she’s ever known about someone.

Maybe she’s okay at making babies, Amy thinks. She’s wholly certain this child is too good for her, is still worried he’ll be taken away at a moment’s notice, but right now he’s here, and he’s making her want to try her best.

💫 (three times ‘cause) i’ve waited my whole life

i didn’t write very much this summer for several reasons, but what little motivation i had for writing, mostly went to this one. it was originally meant to be for father’s day and i published it in september, so i missed out slightly there, but i’m still really proud of it. writing jake and his feelings about fatherhood is something i’ve always enjoyed so much, and this was 13k words of doing just that. i’m proud of so much in this fic, and i’m really happy i actually finished it in the end. god i love jake and baby mac ❤️

a favourite quote:

Jake is amazed by how much better fatherhood has gotten with time. It was always the most amazing thing to ever happen to him, but it was so different when his son was a newborn. Mac was rarely awake for the first weeks, and when he was, he was either stuck to Amy for feeding or crying because he was overtired or needed his diaper changed. Jake always loved his son, but for the first month or so, he felt pretty useless around him. The daily attempts at bottle-feeding, and the precious times Mac fell asleep against his Jake’s chest as they walked around the apartment at night, had made up most of their bonding time together. It was still wonderful, and Jake can miss the time when Mac actually stayed where you put him, but in the end, it’s got nothing on what fatherhood is like at eight months in. Now, Mac interacts with them, laughing and smiling and trying to babble gibberish back at them when they talk to him. He’s always on the move, like he’s anxious to miss out on anything the world has to offer if he sits still for too long. Judging from the way he’s currently trying to use the tree next to them to get up to a standing position, Jake wonders how long they’ve got left until he’s walking. It’s clear that Mac has his own personality now, no longer just traces of it hidden in a newborn’s constant needs, and every day of fatherhood seems to bring a new adventure.

There had been a time when Jake wasn’t sure if he wanted this. Little did he know, it’s better than anything he could have dreamt.

💫 when all your heroes get tired (i’ll be something better yet)

last but not least, my second sleuth sisters fic of the year and second rosa fic too! i’ve thought about writing this since i watched lights out; i love writing rosa and amy so much and it’s always fun to write jake and amy from someone else’s perspective, especially as i think the choice by the show to have them keep their pregnancy private when everyone had already figured it out was so interesting. i love supportive rosa and i love the relationship she’s going to have with mac and i love her secretly loving babies. they’re so cute it’s fucked up!!!! anyway, yeah; i love writing rosa and this was such a fun challenge.

a favourite quote: 

There’s a tenderness even to the way she speaks to him, like love is packed into each word. Rosa thinks of the way Amy hid her pregnancy for months in fear that something would go wrong, and how scared she was that giving birth under less than ideal circumstances would somehow make her a bad mom. She doesn’t seem as scared anymore. Rather, there’s an air of quiet confidence over her when she’s holding him, and it’s moving to see.

“Slow down, McClane,” she whispers, thumb stroking over his cheek. “I know you’re hungry, but if you keep going like that, you’re going to puke, okay? We’ve been through this.”

“I’m proud of you,” the words spill out of Rosa, and Amy blinks.

“You’re proud of me?”

“Yeah, I’m proud of you.” A shy smile flutters across Amy’s lips. “But if you ever have another kid, I’m not going near you a month before you’re due, okay? I’ll transfer precincts or something. Never again.”

Amy laughs, but Rosa just stares at her, and she goes silent. “Got it. Cool. That’s fair.”

tags 2019/2018 ❤️

i’m tagging @johnny-and-dora, @letsperaltiago, @amydancepants-peralta, @b99peraltiago and @nessa007 to do some self love over any creations this year you're proud of ❤️❤️❤️

[calumance]

LA Devotee - Part XVII

Warnings: first half in angsty, second half is fluffy

Word Count: 3.4k

Summary: Emily is broken, and feels like she’s pushing Calum away. Calum is worried that Emily will never understand how real their relationship is. Meanwhile, Trevor calls up Emily for help with a surprise for Mikayla.

A/N: Thank you for being patient with me on this update, I took some much needed time off but now I am back so updates every Saturday!! 🥰🥰

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX | Part X | Part XI | Part XII | Part XIII | Part XIV | Part XV | Part XVI

Masterlist

        As much as I loved Mikayla, and respected her words and advise, I did not try to call Calum. The second I got home, I filled Duke’s bowl full of food then headed for the couch. As soon as I made it to the couch, I curled up in a ball and laid there, watching mindless TV until my eyes were so tired that I had to shut them. I rolled so I was facing the back of the couch and put my hands over my face, blocking any source of light. I thought about what Mikayla said, to not over think it. Laying here like this is overthinking it, maybe I should try to call him.

        I pushed myself away from the back of the couch and grabbed my phone. The picture of us on my background causing my leg to bounce in nervousness. My finger swiped across the screen to unlock it and I stared at Calum’s name. The dial tone sounded for a full minute before I was sent to his voicemail. My heart tightened and I closed my eyes after ending the call. I tossed my phone onto the coffee table and assumed the same position I had been in before. My eyes tightly shut, squeezing the tears from my eyes, my eyes stayed shut until I was lulled by the hurt into some sort of restless sleep.

        My phone made a hard buzzing noise against the coffee table jolting me awake. It only vibrated once, but it was enough to cause me to scramble towards my phone, falling off the couch in the process. After I grabbed my phone, I was highly disappointed to see that it was Trevor. Wait, why the hell was Trevor texting me? “Hey, sorry for texting you out of the blue, but you’re Mikayla’s best friend so call me when you get a second.” My eyebrows stitched together, and in absolute panic, I immediately called Trevor. “Hey, Emily. Thanks for calling me so soon.”

        “Is everything okay?” I blurted out, still sitting on the floor, because what was the point of standing up?

        “No, yeah, everything’s awesome. I’m going to propose to Mikayla.” My heart skipped and beat and I wanted to scream in excitement. Mikayla has always expressed to me how head over heels she is for Trevor, and they’ve been together for almost four years now. “I wanted you to help me plan it. I already have a ring, I just don’t know what else to do, surely she has told you something about her perfect proposal?”

        Oh, boy, has she. “She wants to be proposed to on the beach, at sunset. Venice beach, to be precise. She’s always dreamt of it being that she would be holding hands, walking along the shoreline with the guy- you- and talking about life. She told me that she would want her closest friends to be there, maybe for like a bonfire, or something. Of course, some drinks, music, you get what I’m saying.”

        “Yeah, yeah. Like that night we had right after you moved here. We were at the beach and you two got all drunk on wine coolers.” He sighed, with a soft chuckle.

        I chuckled back at the memory. “Yeah, like that, but about a hundred times more romantic.” My elbow rested on my knee as my fingers ran across my forehead. “When were you thinking of proposing?”

        “Soon? Maybe like Sunday? Could you help me invite all of her friends? I already breached the idea to her, and she was all for it. Will you keep the proposal part of it kind of hushed though? I’d rather have only you know.” His voice became quiet, as if he was afraid of someone hearing him.

        “Yeah, I’ll send out a mass invite in the morning. I’m so excited for you, Trevor.” He thanked me again and hung up. After I was sure the call had ended, I tossed my phone back onto the coffee table and laid back so I was pressed against the floor. I was happy for them, but I don’t know how I was supposed to have a happy face when the one person I want to talk to, won’t talk to me. I pushed the base of my palm into my eyes and groaned.

        I reached above me for my phone and held it above my face, careful not to drop it on myself. Again, I tried to call Calum, and again the call went to voicemail. Before I started to cry again, I called Michael. One hand holding the phone to my ear, the other hand covering my eyes, in hopes that it would stop me from crying. “Emily!” Michael’s voice was cheery, and there was a few explosions behind him, like he was playing a video game.

        “Hey, Michael. How are you doing?” My hand reminded over my eyes, and I swallowed down the sob in my throat.

        “It’s going great! What’s going on with you?” He mumbled a few words as he continued to play whatever game he was playing.

        My hand dropped from my face and my eyes narrowed at the sudden burst of light. “Not much, listen, Calum isn’t answering me, do you know if he’s okay?” Maybe he knew we were fighting, maybe he didn’t, either way, I left that part out.

        Whatever Michael was into suddenly paused, the other end of the phone suddenly became really quiet. “I don’t know, actually. The only time I’ve seen today him was for our performance, after that he went straight for his hotel room and hasn’t come out since. I’m actually kind of worried about him.” I squeezed my eyes shut, and replaced my hand over my eyes. “Do you think I should knock on his door?”

        “You’ve known him way longer than I have, Michael. Does he get like this a lot?” Michael hummed in response, but didn’t say much else. I sighed and licked my lips before continuing, “If you knock on his door, just don’t say anything about me calling.” Michael agreed and I hung up the phone. After a few minutes of laying on the floor, I sat up and started preparing the Facebook invite for Trevor and Mikayla’s party on Sunday.

        At this point of the night, I had completely lost track of what time it was, all I knew was that it was late. Duke was curled in a ball at my feet at the other end of the couch, soft snores escaping through his nose every so often. My arms tucked into my chest, the sleeves of my sweater pulled over my hands. The episode of The Office where Jim proposes to Pam playing on the TV. Just as Jim knelt down, my phone buzzed. Without taking my eyes off the TV, I reached forward and grabbed my phone, thinking Michael had gone and talked to Calum. I sat bolt upright when I saw Calum’s name on my screen. My fingers frantically swiped to unlock my phone and read his message. “Hey, sunshine. Are you still awake?”

        My eyes lifted to the TV just as Pam nodded to Jim and they embraced in a loving kiss. I looked back at my phone and typed back a simple “Yeah.” The three dots in the gray bubble showed up and I watched as they disappeared and his message showed up. “Can we talk?” My heart skipped a beat and I typed another simple “Yeah.”

        Within a minute, my phone was ringing, what was surprising was that it was a Face Time call. I propped my phone up on the coffee table, tapped the answer button, then pulled my arm back into my chest. When Calum came into view, the only light that was illuminating his face was the light of the TV. He ran his hand down his face then grinned. Just as he grinned, I looked away from the phone and back at the TV. He sighed and out of the corner of my eye, I could see him reach up and turn the lamp on. “I’m sorry, Emily. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did, I just wish you would realize how real this relationship is.”

        As much as I wanted to fight him, he had a point. Everything that has happened to me in the past month and a half has felt like a complete and utter dream. None of it has felt real, and maybe I was acting like it wasn’t real, but how was I supposed to act when the last real relationship I had wasn’t actually real? I closed my eyes and covered my face with my hands, hiding the tears that had started to fall. “I know I act tough, Calum, but my last relationship destroyed me. What I thought was real, ended up not being real, and our relationship has felt too good to be true since the second I laid my eyes on you. I’m sorry that I’m pushing you away.” Even though I covered my face, the sob that escaped my chest gave away the fact that I was crying, and I moved my hand to use my sleeve to dry under my eyes.

        “Sunshine, you’re not pushing me away. No matter what happens, I will be here. I’m not going anywhere, you are worth every crazy second. Please don’t cry.” He paused for a second and then took a deep breath before continuing, “Can I tell you something?” I nodded, still covering my face with my sleeved hand. “You are the are the light of my life. I was wrong to act the way I did, I was just angry that I couldn’t be there to protect you. That’s my job as a boyfriend, and I couldn’t do that. There was not a second that went by today that I did not think about you, and I tried everything I could to fly home and see you, but there just isn’t time until my next day off in a few days. I’ve just been on edge because I miss you so fucking bad.” He gritted his teeth on the last few words and my breath hitched.

        I brought my other hand to my face, “I miss you too.” The response was muffled by my hands and the tears. My chest heaved as I held in a sob, but then rolled over so my back was facing the camera.

        Calum sighed, “Emily, please look at me.” I mumbled a ‘no’ into the back of the couch and Calum sighed again. “What do you want me to do, Em?”

        My mind ran around in circles until I rolled over and grabbed my phone, surprising Calum. He leaned back and raised his eyebrows. “I want you to just bear with me. I want you to understand that having a perfect relationship has literally never happened to me. I am broken, and I am pretty certain that you are going to be the one to fix me, but it’s going to take time.” I used my sleeve to dry the tears off my face and I licked my lips, thinking of how I wanted to word my next thought. “I care about you very much. I want us to last for a long time, it’s just going to take a while for me to realize what a functional relationship looks like. Can you promise me that you’ll be patient with me and still continue to,” I licked my lips, “Care for me?”

        Calum grinned and looked down while nodding, “Of course, Emily. I’m not going anywhere, not any time soon.” I nodded and bit my lip. My eyes met the floor, we were silent for a minute, but Calum cleared his throat and started talking about his day. Which was nice, because I missed talking to him all day. By the end of the night, we were laughing and talking as if the past twenty-four hours never happened.

        On Sunday afternoon, I wore a black and white striped maxi skirt with a white tank top, a jean jacket and some sandals. As I was getting ready, I Face Timed Calum. “How do I look?” I asked as I stood in front of the floor length mirror in our shared bathroom.

        He eyebrows raised, his fingers running over his lips to hide a smirk. He looked over the top of his phone, then back to the phone. “You look absolutely ravishing, honey.” I blushed and turned the camera to the front facing one as I walked around the house to grab the rest of my things before walking out the front door. “What are you guys doing tonight, again?”

        I closed the door to my car and placed my phone in the holder which is suction cupped to the windshield. “I’ve told you, Trevor wanted to have a party with all of Mikayla’s closest friends, like this one time when she and I got all stupid drunk on the beach.” Calum hummed, knowing I was hiding something. “And, Trevor is proposing to Mikayla. I’m only telling you because you’re not here and blow the surprise.”

        His eyes widened and spread a wide toothy smile, “Hey! That’s awesome, they’ve been together for a while, right?” He looked over his phone again and nodded in response to the person in front of him.

        I glanced behind me to change lanes, and then looked back at Calum. He was still holding onto his phone, but he was wiring his in ear monitors, wrapping them around the top of his ears so they were just hanging. “Yeah,” I smiled at him. “About four years now, maybe longer than that. I can’t remember exactly how long she told me they’ve been together.” My eyes flicked between my phone and the road. Calum was shoving one of his monitors into his ear, “Do you need me to let you go?”

        He shook his head and frowned, “No, I still have a couple more minutes.” Out of the corner of my eye, I see him prop the phone against something and took a few steps back to take a drink from his water bottle and start doing his pre-performance routine.

        Just as he was called to the stage, I pulled into the parking lot by the beach. Trevor and Mikayla were already there, laying out the beach blanket next to the firepit that had already been set up. Calum and I bid each other goodbye and I grabbed my things to head to their spot. Before stepping into the sand I took my sandals off and lifted the bottom of my skirt. As I waded my way through the sand, a breeze blew my hair back and tickled my face. It was an absolutely beautiful afternoon, and all I could think about was how much better it would be if Calum were here with me. When I finally reached the blanket, Mikayla stood up and wrapped her arms around me. While her arms were around me Trevor smiled and nodded at me knowing that everything was going to be perfect.

        Everyone I had invited showed up within  ten minutes of me being there. Drinks were quickly passed around, and a speaker was brought out to play some music to keep everyone smiling and laughing. My heart skipped a beat when the song switched to a 5 Seconds of Summer song. As much as I loved the song, I couldn’t help but lower my eyes and wash back the rest of my drink. “Emily, do you want me to change the song? I know how much you’ve been missing him.” Mikayla asked, reaching for her phone.

        “No, no, it’s a fine. I like this song, and it’s nice to hear his voice.” I smiled as Trevor handed me another drink, twisting the cap off for me. “Thank you.” I held up my drink and threw my head back taking another large gulp.

        “When does he come back?” Our friend Sarah asked. She was leaning back, pressed against her boyfriend’s chest, his arms wrapped around her stomach.

        “He comes home for a break in a month. I was thinking about visiting him before then, though. We’ve just been so busy at work that I haven’t really found the right time.” I shrugged and Sarah nodded. “Anyway, I’m okay, he’s okay. Let’s go back to laughing and having a good time.” Everyone nodded and someone dropped a joke, causing the mood to lighten back up.

        Soon, the sun was starting to set and Trevor made eye contact with me. Mikayla was just the perfect amount of buzzed, her eyes were sparkling and I knew she was already having one of the best nights of her life. As I brought the bottle to my lips, I nodded. He nodded back at me, and whispered into Mikayla’s ear. She nodded and they both stood to walk towards the water. As they approached the sand, I stood and grabbed my phone. I followed behind them as they held hands and walked along the water line. Once Trevor stopped walking, I pulled out my phone and recorded. I got close enough that I could just barely hear them, but concentrated on videoing the moment. They held hands while Trevor spilled his heart, until he got down on one knee, pulling a small black velvet box from his pocket. Mikayla’s hands shot up and covered her mouth. I could hear her gasp and then she nodded vigorously. Trevor placed the ring on her finger then stood and hugged her, placing a long kiss to her lips.

        I stopped the recording and stood in my place until Mikayla caught sight of me and started running towards me. My arms stretched out as she jumped into my arms and hugged me tightly. My arms wrapped around her tightly and we held each other just for a moment. When she pulled away she showed me her ring. It was a rose gold ring with an oval diamond and a halo of diamonds that had the clasp holding the stone at the top to make the halo look like stars. As Trevor walked past me, I fist bumped him. Finally, my best friend was engaged, and I couldn’t be more happy for her.

        When I got home, I immediately fell into bed. The morning was going to come quickly, and waking up on Mondays was hard enough as it is. After finding the motivation, I pushed myself off the bed and put on a pair of shorts and an oversized t-shirt. As I was brushing my teeth, my phone began to ring. With my toothbrush still in my mouth, I walked back into the bedroom and grabbed my phone, answering Calum’s Face Time. He chuckled when he saw the toothbrush hanging out of my mouth. I smiled and propped my phone on the sink and held up my pointer finger. “Okay.” He said, his voice husky and low, making my bones shiver.

        Quickly, I finished brushing my teeth and grabbed my phone off the sink. “Sorry, I wasn’t expecting you to call. How was your show?” As I walked out of the bathroom, I switched the light off, walking my way towards the bed.

        “It was good,” He began and I crawled under the covers and switched on the bedside lamp. “How was your night? Did Mikayla say yes?” He raised his eyebrows and smiled, remembering that I had told him Trevor was proposing.

        A smile stretched across my face and I leaned my phone against the lamp on the nightstand. “Yeah, she did. I took a video do you want me to send it to you?”

        He raised and arm and let it rest against his forehead. “I’d love to see it. I’ll watch it tomorrow, though. I’m exhausted.” His eyes started to shut and I couldn’t help but smile.

        “That’s fine. Why don’t we both get some sleep and talk again tomorrow?” He nodded and then we bid each other a goodnight before the call ended. Before rolling over onto my side, I sent Calum the video. For the first night in a couple of days, I was able to fall asleep with a smile on my face.

************

Tag list: @notinthesameguey​ @thinkofmehlgh​ @limer-encia​ @another-lonely-heart​ @itsmytimetoodream​ @babyoria​

[bow-woahh]

Heal Me After Hurting chapter 2 DVD commentary ask?

Send me your favorite scene/chapter from one of my works and I’ll post a DVD commentary on it.

Heal me after hurting! it's been a while since I've revisited this so I'm excited to talk about it! It's crazy to think it was nearly a year ago when I wrote it. It genuinely feels like just yesterday.

Chapter 2 ("Sick of saying nothing back") is the chapter where Catra and Adora actually start to communicate their feelings about each other and past together (hence why it's pretty dialogue heavy).

Catra has obviously just woken up from a nightmare and is still feeling pretty out of it, so it makes sense she'd be a little less closed off as a defense mechanism. Plus after hours of not actually speaking to Adora, she actually really wants to.

"Catra? Hey...hey, babe— don't, don’t cry, what’s wrong?”

I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure Adora says babe at least once every chapter. Maybe just one and two. But yes, that was purposeful.

(“For many, closure is a good tool to put an end to lingering questions and thoughts in one's mind, for others, all it does is remind them of things you needn’t reminders of. Over due time, you’ll figure out whether you want that closure or not, or whether to move on and look towards the future.”)

It's so sad that S5 completely destroyed the Micah as Catra's father figure/advice giver character but hey I still love the idea of this dynamic and I stand by it with him as her therapist in this fic.

Also, closure is a very important theme in this chapter, as neither of them got that: Catra because she literally wasn't allowed to get any and by the time she was it was too late; Adora because although she did break up with Catra, it was over text and was the last thing she wanted to do. Lots of unresolved issues were left behind.

“You—” Catra stops herself, takes a breath, then tries again. "You just...disappeared out of my life, left."

There's an obvious reason as to why Adora left and completely cut her off (because of Catra's mental health and how she wasn't just a danger to herself but others too) but it's so unlike her that Catra wants to believe that there was some other reason, that is wasn't just because—in her eyes—that she wasn't good enough. And actually, she turns out to be kind of right.

“I wasn’t well,” she says, mouth dry and words meek. It comes out like an excuse, even though it’s anything but.

This is at the moment the closest Catra can get to an apology, because she knows what she did was wrong and has grown a lot since then, but it's still so hard to admit that, especially to the person the hurt the most.

"It's just, I just...I dreamt about—"

Adora scoots closer. "Everything that happened that night? Yeah, I, um…I do too sometimes. It must be worse for you though, especially because…” she hesitates, then says, “still– you're not supposed to use your voice, you need to fully recover, okay?"

She cares SO much like ❤️🥺

"I didn't know what to do, or say, what was allowed." Adora replies, still apprehensive.

Adora likes rules, and boundaries. Before, although their relationship was obviously still kind of convoluted, for all it's faults it worked. After the incident, even once Catra was leading a healthier life, Adora had no clue how to approach her, if she could approach her. All the boundaries once there were gone with new ones that were so blurry that there was no point in trying to cross them. It was as if they were strangers, which is something Adora wasn't equipped to deal with.

Adora also says before this: “Everyone said– they said to give you space. So you could recover. So...I listened.”

Because she didn't know what she could do, what the boundaries were, she followed the guidelines set for her by others, which may or may not have been the right thing to do.

“You still care,” Catra whispers, bringing her knees up to her chest, head starting to pound as she begins to regret the bold statement.

Despite everything, despite Adora taking care of her the whole day, it's only now that Catra realises (or let's herself acknowledge) that Adora does still care greatly for her. Adora is obviously amazed at how Catra can even imply otherwise, because Adora never stopped caring and she thought it was pretty obvious.

Closing the lingering distance – the lingering tension – between them, Catra moves to sit opposite Adora.

“Adora... I’m sorry. For everything. I wish that– I wish things were different. That I was different.”

This!! Line!! Okay first — the fact Catra said the same thing in S5...I'm a prophet. But also, this is so important because now, just like in the show, now that Catra's finally admitted to the person she hurt the most that she does feel remorse over her actions, she can move forward now. Obviously, the contexts are a little different but I'd say it mostly applies.

Maybe things were always destined to happen this way.

Listen Catradora are simply star crossed lovers, but only for a little while. I just feel like in every universe it only makes sense of they fall out/grow distant before coming back together. They get their happy ending, but it just takes a little while yknow?

"No, it wasn't right, I should have spoken to you sooner, instead of lurking in the background…" the colour seems to rush to her face at the statement, and Catra can't help but be curious about what she actually means.

I remember when I was outlining literally writing how Adora would like,, low-key stalk Catra to see how she was doing. Nothing like super creepy, maybe just sitting in one of lectures or watching her with Scorpia and Catra at a coffee shop that she just happened to go to as well. Completely coincidental.

Catra wants to say 'me too'. She wants to shout it out at the top of the lungs, because all throughout when she was recovering she thought of Adora, love or hate – or a mix of the two – she thought of her.

Obviously drawing from the show here. Like it was clear they never really stopped thinking about each other and the same can be said here. Catra could never quite get rid of Adora from her mind. Partially because of how much she cared and loved her but also because of the fact she'd had so little closure from Adora.

“I didn’t even have my phone. The old guy was pretty careful with who I talked to in the first month or so. But…” she halts, and can’t help but wrap the arms around herself tighter.

A little extra info that I never put in the fic because it just relevant — Catra has a dad in this, which is who she's referring to here. Also, if you couldn't tell from the few context clues here and there, Catra is also pretty rich too. She wasn't exactly spoilt when she was growing up because, for a while, her dad was married to SW (picture evil step mum) but by the time she was around 16, 17, she's out of the picture, because of an,, unfortunate accident. Shadow Weaver is either present or dead in all the fics I write, okay?

“[...]They all told me to cut all ties with you, so you’d be able to focus on yourself, so I could do the same, and what I had wanted to say wasn’t exactly what everyone else expected.”

[Adora taking about the message she sent to Catra] I imagine before Adora agonised over what to say to Catra for days, much to Glimmer and Bow's dismay that they ended up sitting down and helping her right the message that she actually sent, but she obviously hated it then wrote the message she actually wanted to send in her own, before being unable to send it and going with the other one.

“Catra, I’m here babe, talk to me,” Adora says

She said babe again?!? Damn I went to town lmao

“Don’t...don’t cry,” Adora says, unconvincingly and accompanied with a weak smile in an even weaker whisper of her own. That’s all it takes for the dam to crumble completely and overflow. When those tears finally pour down, her first sob sends shivers down her spine, and it quickly worsens from there.

Ouch...this scene hurts to read. I'm sure when I was writing it I was laughing manically at the pain I was going to inflict on you all but...damn. Like the way Catra is trying so hard to stay strong but as soon as she sees Adora distressed again she just breaks down. God how an I getting hurt by my own fic??

Carefully, cautiously even, she wipes a straggling tear from her cheek, and with her lips just slightly upturned, mismatched eyes piercing through sky blue ones, she whispers, “it’s okay now though? Isn’t it?”

This moment is. Everything. So far, a lot of this has been Adora comforting Catra, Adora literally looking after Catra, but this is finally Catra reciprocating that by comforting Adora back, by letting her know ‘I'm here for you too.’ Also the brief tension that this causes.. wonderful.

Catra can see, smell, is Adora, and her lips are right there, looking soft and alluring like they always have, like they'll be enough to dissipate all worries, cast away all her doubts. But she’s scared, scared for this to happen, because it’s all so soon, too sudden, and moments before they'd been crying, and what if she messes up, what if this gesture messes it up?

I loved finding out how I actually fooled people into thinking they were gonna kiss. I'm sorry. But I'm not. Most people actually said they were glad they didn't, which was very much the response I wanted, so I was pretty happy with it.

“I was kinda worried you'd never come around, or that we'd get close and one of us would shut down once the serious stuff was brought up. If I’m being honest, I nearly didn't come— when Scorpia asked.”

"I don't see why she asked or why you'd want to." Catra shrugs

Yes. Scorpia was 100% being a bit of a shit stirrer. She knew these two fools needed to talk to each other.

Casually, Adora let's out the next statement as if it were fact. “They weren't you.” she answers with a shrug.

At this point Adora has long accepted that there's no one like Catra. That there's no one who can replace her. What she was to her. Obviously she tried, but Catra was still there the whole time in her mine. Catra is just it for her and she knows that. So for her, admitting this is as easy as breathing because she's come to terms with it.

But she can't, she's too far behind, she's still processing, and she hates that, because Adora feels – is – a million miles ahead of her, and she wishes it could be easy, that she could be easy on herself, that she could let Adora hear what she wants, no, needs to hear…though she just isn't there yet.

I feel so bad for Catra here because she feels like she can't keep up with Adora's pace, how well she's handling this, but it's not even her fault, like, it's just harder for her to deal with it like :((

Catra never saw the need for it anyway– Adora already looks stunning without it. Expecting her brain to chide her for even thinking that, Catra is practically amazed when there’s no little voice in her head condemning her for thinking such a thing, for going back there.

Progress,, we like to see! Obviously, in the last chapter we see more of this as well, which is great.

Adora, who broke up with her. Adora, who was once her everything. Adora, the one she had hurt the most, was here; talking to her, accepting her, smiling at her, forgiving her.

Callback to chapter 1,, we love to see it lmao

Anyway I hope you enjoyed this! Sorry it took 59 years but to make up for it, chap 8 of bloom will be up in like 2, 3 days! (:

[lovemesomesurveys]

girl talk

GENERAL WOMANHOOD:

1. Do you like the color pink? Yeah, various shades of it.

2. How easily do you cry? I’m a crybaby.

3. What food do you eat the most of when you’re sad? Lately I’ve been eating a lot of Wingstop. That’s been my thing. I also like my bowl of ramen every night.

4. How often do you experience boob sweat? That has literally never happened to me as I have small boobs. <<< lol same.

5. What time of month is your time? I don’t have that anymore.

6. How moody are you when you are on your period? I got really bad PMS/PMDD and was extra sensitive and moody. I’m like that all the time now even without that.

7. Have you ever thought you were pregnant because your period was late? Nope. That was never a possibility.  8. Have you ever been on the pill? No. 9. Have you ever thought about having children someday? What is your current opinion? I don’t want to have kids. 10. Have you ever given birth? If not, would you ever want to? No. 11. How much do you like decorating for holidays? Christmas is the only one I really decorate for anymore and I go all out.  12. How good of a cook do you consider yourself? I can’t cook at all besides ramen.  13. What is your favorite thing to cook? ^^^ 14. Do you prefer cooking, baking, or both equally? I like making ramen. lol. That’s literally all I cook if you even want to count that cause it’s so easy. Besides that, anything I else I make is oven or microwavable. or a sandwich. 15. Can you sew? Nope. 16. How feminine do you consider yourself? How do you determine that? I mean, if it means makeup and dresses, then not very cause I haven’t worn makeup in over a year and it’s been a few years since I’ve worn a dress. I’m all about comfy casual. That doesn’t make me masculine, though. I’m curious what you think makes someone feminine or not. 17. Have you ever been told that you are too girly or feminine? No. 18. Do you consider yourself a feminist? I mean, I care about women’s rights and believe we should have equal opportunities and such as men and all that.  19. How do you define “girl power”? Uhh, I don’t know. A strong, confident woman.  20. How much of a neat freak are you? I used to be more of a neat freak, but I don’t have the energy or motivation anymore. My room isn’t a disaster, but it’s messier than I ever used to let it get. It’s just cluttered. I need to go through and get rid stuff, but blah. 21. How you ever wished you were born a male? No. 22. Breastfeeding or formula? Mothers should do what they feel is best and works for them and the baby. 23. What is your opinion of equal pay? I think payment should be individual but obviously not based on sex. <<< Yeah, like everyone can’t be paid the exact same. There’s other factors. But people doing the same job and putting in the same work should be paid the same. 24. What is one profession you think needs more women? I don’t care, I think everyone should just do what they’re interested in. <<< 25. Are you pro-life or pro-choice? 26. Have you ever experienced any sexism? If so, please explain. Not that I can think of. 27. Have you ever been called a blabbermouth or a chatterbox? I have my chatty moods now and then. 

28. What is one thing about women you think most men don’t know? I don’t know. 29. Is there anything you dislike about being a woman? Menstrual cycles sucked, but I don’t have those anymore. 30. Complete this phrase: I’m so glad I am a woman because ______. I just am. 

LIFE EXPERIENCES:

31. Did you ever play with Barbie dolls as a child? Yes. I was obsessed with Barbies, I played for hoursss.

32. Have you ever dotted lowercase Js and Is with hearts or smiley faces? Yeah, when I was younger I did sometimes.

33. Have you ever been a Girl Scout? Yes.

34. Have you ever been a ballerina? No.

35. Have you ever been a cheerleader? No.

36. Were you ever voted as homecoming or prom queen? Nope.

37. Have you ever hosted a sleepover? Yeah, with my cousins all the time as kids.

38. Do you belong to a sorority? Nope.

39. Have you ever kept a diary or a journal? Yeah. I had a physical one in middle school up to my sophomore year in high school and then I moved on to online journals. This is my journal now.

40. At what age did you get your first period? 13.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE:

41. What is the longest your hair has ever been? Would you ever grow it that long again? Down to my butt, which is how long it was until I cut a couple inches off recently. It was like that when I was a kid, too. Perhaps even a little longer.

42. Have you had a hairstyle above the eyebrows? Uhh, do you mean bangs? If so, yes. I had them until college and then I did the side swept thing for awhile.

43. What hairstyle do you wear the most? Pony tail, bun, or braid.

44. Have you ever died your hair? If so, how often? Countless times now. I first got highlights in middle school and did that for awhile before dyeing it black my sophomore year. I then went back to highlights until dyeing it red in 2015. I’ve been doing that ever since.

45. What is the heaviest you remember ever weighing? I think 90lbs.

46. How muscular are you? I’m not anymore. :/ I used to have toned arms, but I lost my muscle mass over these past few years due to health stuff and just not being active like I used to be.

47. Do you have any piercings anywhere besides your earlobes? Nope.

48. Do you have any tattoos? If you, where are they and what are they of? Nope.

49. Do you like wearing lipstick or lip gloss? If so, how often do you wear them? I haven’t in a long time.

50. How often do you paint your nails? It’s been a few years since the last time I painted them.

51. Have you ever worn any fake nails? Once. I got them done for my 8th grade promotion. 

52. Have you ever worn fake eyelashes? Yeah.

53. How often do you shave or wax your legs? I don’t have to shave my legs often. It’s never been an issue, like hair doesn’t really grow there.

54. How white are your teeth? I could use a Crest white strip or something.

55. Have you ever been told that you look like a certain celebrity? No.

56. How much do you look like your mother? I have a lot of her features, but a lot of my dad’s, too.

57. How much do you look like your father? ^^^^

58. What do you think is your best physical feature? I like dyeing my hair red. 

59. What do you think is your worst physical feature? Everything.

60. How good are you at communicating through facial expressions? I think my facial expressions give it away. It’s obvious when I’m annoyed or in discomfort.

FASHION STYLE: 61. What type of clothing do you own the most of? Leggings and graphic tees. 62. How big is your closet? Not big at all. 63. Have you ever looked through your closet and though “I have nothing to wear”? Ha, yeah. 64. What is your favorite fashion brand? The only brand I really care about and have a lot of is Adidas.  65. Do you wear skirts and dresses at all? If so, how often? I haven’t in years. 66. What is your dress size? Small. 67. What is the shortest length of skirts and dresses you are comfortable wearing? I like the length to go to my knees and I wear pantyhose/tights underneath. I’m very self-conscious about my legs.  68. How expensive was your prom dress? I think it was like $80. 69. What is the most expensive piece of clothing you currently own? My Adidas clothes. 70. Do you wear high heels or stilettos at all? If so, how often? No. 71. Have you ever worn high heels casually? Nope. 72. How often do you take an OOTD (outfit of the day) selfie? I only take a picture if I really like the shirt I’m wearing.  73. Have you ever worn the exact same outfit from head to toe more than once? Yeah, while at home. 74. How often do you wear a bra when out in public? I wear one whenever I go somewhere. 75. How often do you wear a bra when bumming it at home? I don’t.  76. When you get home from work, how soon does your bra typically come off? I don’t work, but when I get home from wherever I’ll likely just wait until bedtime. 77. Have you ever carried a spare bra with you in your purse? Nope. 78. Which are you more likely to go without: A bra or panties? Bra. 79. Does it matter to you if your bra and panties match or not? Nah. 80. What type of underwear do you typically wear? Hipster/hip huggers whatever you wanna call ‘em. 81. How much of your underwear is white? I don’t have any plain white pairs. 82. Have you ever carried a spare pair of underwear with you in your purse? No. 83. Do you like eyeshadow? I used to wear it sometimes back when I wore makeup regularly.  84. Do you like mascara? That’s a must when I wear makeup. 85. How much makeup do you typically wear? I haven’t worn any in over a year. 86. Have you every gone out in public without any makeup on? I do all the time. A few years ago I never would have done that. 87. How much jewelry do you typically wear? I was wearing earrings I got for Christmas for awhile, but I took them out a couple weeks ago cause my ears were irritated. 88. Is there any kind of jewelry you pretty much always wear? Just those earrings for awhile. Before that, it had been a few years. I used to have 3 rings I wore literally 24/7 for a long time until one day I took them off for some reason and never put them back on.  89. Do you carry a purse at all? I’ve been using a mini backpack. 90. Do you like tube and halter tops? No. 91. Do you like crop tops? No. 92. Are you comfortable showing off a little cleavage? This girl does not have cleavage lol.  <<<  93. One-piece swimsuits or bikinis? I don’t do swim suits. 94. Does it matter to you if your bikini top matches the bottom? I don’t wear them, but if I did yeah I would want them to match.

WEDDING CRAZE:

95. Have you ever been a bridesmaid? If so, how often? Nope.

96. Do you have any desires to get married? No.

97. For how long have you thought about your wedding? It’s not something I put much thought into at all. I’m not the type of person who has dreamt of their wedding day since they were a kid or anything. I honestly don’t see myself ever getting married.

98. How much of your wedding do you have planned out already?

99. Would you rather have a big or a small wedding?

100. Would you rather have a lot of bridesmaids or just a couple?

101. Would you rather have an indoor or an outdoor wedding? Does the same go for the reception?

DATING & RELATIONSHIPS:

102. What is your current relationship status? Single.

103. What is the longest relationship you’ve ever had? 3 years if you count the Joseph situation.

104. Do you consider yourself a hopeless romantic at all? No. I think I’ve just been hardened by life ha.

105. Are you a virgin? If not, which gender did you lose your virginity to? Yes.

106. What personality trait are you most attracted to? Just nice, caring, genuine, patient, understanding guys with a sense of humor. 

107. Have you ever been on a blind date? No. I have no interest in that.

108. Has anyone you know ever tried to set you up on a date? I had a friend who always wanted to do that.

109. Do you use any dating apps? If so, have they ever worked out for you? Nope.

110. Do you kiss on the first date? If it felt right.

111. How often do guys hit on you? It’s been years since that has happened and even when it did, it wasn’t often. 

112. Have women ever hit on you? A friend I had always got flirty when she was drunk. 

114. Have you ever kissed another woman while sober? If so, did you like it? No. I’ve done that while drunk either.

115. Have you ever dated another woman? No.

116. After how long of dating do you typically consider a relationship to be serious? There’s more factors than that.

117. Would you rather your lover give you chocolate, flowers, both, or something else? Something else, honestly. Like coffee.

118. Are you friends with any of your exes? Not anymore.

119. Is sex before marriage wrong? That’s a personal choice. Do what feels right to you.

ENTERTAINMENT: 120. What celebrity do you most admire and why? There aren’t any I admire specifically, I just like keeping up with the celebrity gossip and entertainment. It’s entertaining and a distraction from my own life. 121. Do you like romantic comedies? Do you have any favorites? I’m a sucker for romantic comedies. 122. Do you have a favorite romantic movie? I have several. 123. Who is your favorite Disney princess? Ariel.

124. What is your favorite Disney song? “In a World of My Own” from Alice in Wonderland, “Part of Your World” from Little Mermaid, “You’ve Got a Friend in Me”  from Toy Story, “Hakuna Matata” from Lion King, “Bare Necessities”  from The Jungle Book, “Winnie the Pooh” from Winnie the Pooh... that’s just to name a few, there’s several others. Disney songs are catchy. 125. Do you watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette? Nah, I never got into that. I can’t believe they’re on their 16th season now. 126. Have you ever watched Sex & The City? I’ve seen parts of it here and there. I never got into it.  127. Have you ever watched any shows such as Project Runway or America’s Next Top Model? I used to watch America’s Next Top Model. Even the last 2 recent seasons. I’d watch it again if they brought it back. 128. Do you like watching any beauty pageants such as Miss America? No. 129. Do you like watching the red carpet arrivals before award ceremonies? Not usually. Sometimes I will. 130. Beyonce or Taylor Swift? Beyonce. 131. Oprah Winfrey or Ellen DeGeneres? I like both.

A PILE OF RANDOMNESS: 132. Are you named after anyone? Nope. 133. How many male friends do you have? I don’t have any friends. 134. Have you ever been considered the mother of your group of friends? Yes. 135. Have you ever called your friend friends your ‘girlfriends’? No. 136. Have you ever called a non-lover a term such as honey, babe, dear, or darling? Jokingly, yeah. 137. How many items do you own that are of a floral print design? I think I only have a few. 138. Have you ever scoffed at something because you thought it wasn’t feminine enough? No? 139. How healthy do you eat? I don’t. 140. What is your preferred way to carry a purse: Clutched in your hand, on your elbow, or on your shoulder? On my shoulder. 141. Besides you phone, money, wallet, and keys, name five things you always have with you in your purse. Hand sanitizer, mini hair brush, chapstick, medicine, and maybe a water bottle.

142. Have you ever lost anything inside your purse? It seemed that way a lot in my bigger purses. I always had to dig around for everything. 143. Have you ever used your bra or your cleavage as a purse or a pocket? No. 144. Do you consider shopping a sport No lol. Especially not when you do it from home in bed like I do. There’s nothing active about that, ha. 145. Do you shop more in physical walk-in stores or online? Online. 146. What is the most amount of money you remember ever spending in one single shopping trip? The most was when I got my first MacBook.  147. How often do you have a girls’ night out? I don’t anymore. I used to sometimes when I had friends and social life.

148. Do you prefer coffee or tea? Coffee, always. 149. How polite do you consider yourself? I think I’m pretty polite. 150. Can you do the splits? Nope. 151. Do you like doing any yoga? No. 152. Have you ever been told that you have cute handwriting? No. My handwriting is shit. 153. How well can you write in cursive? My cursive is awful. 154. Have you ever successfully been on a diet? No. 155. Do you currently or have you ever belonged to a book club? Well, I’ve done a few online Bible study groups.  156. Have you ever talked yourself out of a driving ticked by using your looks? I don’t drive so I’ve never been pulled over. That wouldn’t work, though. I’m ugly and I don’t have the personality or confidence either. 157. Have you ever drunk a non-alcoholic beverage from a wine glass? Yeah, like apple cider. Especially when I was a kid to be “cool” haha. 158. Do you prefer showers or baths? Showers. I haven’t taken a bath since I was a kid. 159. Have you ever snorted while laughing? Yeah. 160. How strict are you about manners? I think they’re important.

[dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt]

Take 2... ODD NUMBERS

Em you absolute MADWOMAN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THANK YOU X’D X’D

THIS IS GONNA BE ALL THE ODD NUMBERS FROM THIS POST (feel free to still send even ones in pFFFFffffFFFt) so I’m putting it under the cut!! Gonna be looong!! If you wanna learn random stuff about The Matt, click read more. :P

1.if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?

Read: Bird by Crystal Chan. Watch: Sense8. Listen to: this song.

3.three songs that you connect with right now.

this - this - this

5.have you taken someones virginity?

Nope. Not… yet? XD

7.if you could, would you take back your last kiss?

Haven’t had a proper one yet, unfortunately.

9.what was the last concert you saw?

Never been to one, too much noise and flashing lights and people = complete sensory overload and panic attack. Cinemas are bad enough. XD BUT I would be pretty tempted to see Coldplay live!!

11.do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

Sweet Cheesus yes please.

13.a song you’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex?

this :D jk jk if it was somebody I rlly cared about it would be my favourite song probably

15.do you want to have kids? How many?

*hYsTeRiCaL lAuGhTeR* buddy I can barely take care of my own impulsive ass let alone a kid. But I’m never one to say never, so… I really don’t know. I’m not gonna be the one getting knocked up though, so adoption or… something else, depending on my eventual partner’s gender.

17.do you miss anyone from your past?

Yes. The two people I really miss though were slowly killing me so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ better off!!

19.have you ever broken someone’s heart?

I sure hope not! D:

21.have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

1) Haven’t had one yet :’) 2) I really really hope I never make them cry, I’ll never intend to. D’:

23.favourite weather?

A nice, cloudy, kinda chilly day with steady rain.

25.do you wanna get married?

Honestly I really don’t mind either way so it’ll depend 100% on my partner. If they want to, sure!! If they don’t, I won’t care. I do have this thing though where I tend to pass out if I stand still for a long amount of time so that’ll be… interesting. X’D my only thing will be that I want the ring bearer to be either dressed up as a Hobbit or to be a v good dog so those are my only conditions to marriage 😂😂😂

27.what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

Frodo reaction memes. X’D

29.what’s your favorite pasta dish?

Ravioli is pretty hecking good! I’m getting back into pasta recently, I never used to like it bc we used to have gluten pasta and it made me feel sick. But now I can find out which pastas I like!!! :’DDDDD

31.what’s your favorite eye color?

Blue eyes are stunning. It’s funny, my Mum has blue eyes and I’m so bitter that I didn’t inherit them. :((( But rlly all eye colours can be super pretty!!

33.are you a morning person?

Yes in the fact that I LOVE mornings. I can be grumpy first thing sometimes when I’m still half asleep but I get really happy and energetic from overtiredness lmao quickly!! :DDDD

35.what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

My boots. I’ve had them forever and I don’t own any other shoes, apart from some runners that are still practically brand new bc I never wear them. XD

37.tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

Okay so normally when I’m awake at 3AM it’s one of 3 scenarios: 1) I got fixated on something and don’t know how much time has passed, or 2) my insomnia has flared up yet again and I am this close to having a mental breakdown because I’m so tired, or 3) I got overtired and now act pretty much drunk and have too much energy to go to sleep. One time I sent Enna three separate rambly stupid asks about her OCs and I was so tired that the next morning I remembered I sent them but I couldn’t remember anything I said. She was super sweet about it. The end. X’D

39.who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

My Dad. We both love the stars. We were also talking about Pokemon and DND. XD

41.do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

I don’t particularly like it, I prefer just downloading songs now. Mainly because I don’t like a lot of songs from the same band and buying a whole CD or record just for ONE song that I like on it is… meh. XD The last one I bought was an Ed Sheeran CD and it was for my mum.

43.what are your favorite memes of the year so far

I haven’t found any yet that really grab me, we’ll see. X’D

45.what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

I got my Dad a One Direction calendar once. We both hated One Direction. (When the cashier gave 12-year-old me that kind of ‘stupid teenaged girl in love with a boy band’ look I stared right back at her and told her with a straight face we were going to light it on fire. I’ve never seen anyone look so pleasantly surprised in my entire life.) My Dad loooved it. X’DI asked my Dad for a toothpick a week before my birthday once and he didn’t have one. Guess what my “present” was that year. Guess. XD

47.describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

V tol and thoughtful and pretty and talented and nice and spams me and sends me pics of cute dogs occasionally. 11/10 good fren, would befren again. :’)

49.is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

Yup. Should be writing 2 things and maybe doing something else but idk if I should do the thing or not so. Procrastination it is. :))))

51.what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

Any mutual of mine who just sends me nice messages or asks me stuff warms my heart so much. And anyone who has ever shown interest in my OCs has my eternal gratitude, if y’all ever need a kidney you caN HAVE MINE.

53.what’s some of your favorite album art?

Literally anything Coldplay has ever had ever.

55.do you like concept albums? which ones?

They sound pretty cool but I don’t think I have any favourites…?? Idk.

57.list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

This one (This one. This one.

59.what do you do when you’re sad?

Isolate myself + throw love at my online friends so hopefully they don’t feel like I do. Also drink warm drinks and reading and spending time with my pets bc they always help.

61.what was the best (non-romantic) night you’ve had?

I read this as sex thing wooPS. X’D Best non-romantic night I’ve ever had.. hmm… the night we got our German Shepherd. It was Good Friday. We’d finally gotten our puppy. We stayed up super late watching her toddle around and fall asleep on us. One of my absolute favourite memories. :’D

63.what’s the best piece of advice you ever received?

“You will only find your special someone when you are perfectly happy with the idea of being single forever. You can only be in a comfortable and loving relationship with somebody else when you are in a comfortable and loving relationship with yourself.”

65.what’s your secret dream?

Be in a Marvel movie one day. ^-^” oof

67.three songs that remind you of the person who sends this one

The only things that come to mind are P!nk songs ASDFGHJKL XD

69.three last songs you listened to

Pffft the songs I put on this thing X’D

71.have you ever had a friends with benefits?

Nope but I’d be open to the idea! (i may even have plans with one fren lmao)

73.Is there anyone you would die for?

My family (friends included), my pets, what’s right: if the world could be magically fixed but I had to die I’d do it on the spot.

75.do you give out second chances too easily?

I used to. But then I used up all my second chances on people who didn’t deserve them. Normally if somebody really seriously hurts me, I give them one more chance and make it very clear for them to please not do that particular thing again. Everyone makes mistakes, I get that. But if they do that exact same thing again, I’m normally gone. I’m done with waiting around and getting hurt over and over just to “be a good friend.” That’s not being a friend, that’s being a doormat/punching bag.

77.is this year the best year of your life?

So far, nope. We’ll see though!!! :DDDDD

79.who/what was your last dream about?

I think it was about Shameless?? I heard there was a trans character so I watched just those clips and I think I dreamt about it. X’D

Thank you so much for asking, Em!! ^____^

[theratprince]

idk why i’m so melodramatic

i guess i’m kinda just facing the inevitable? like i guess it hit me last night that i was just falling back on old shitty patterns and i had completely lost control of myself but god. i really tried. i really tried not to be so fucking nuts but honestly? it’s been a long time of being single after an even longer time of making myself miserable just so i wasn’t single. and like, i guess i should just accept that people are going to say whatever they want just so they can get sex. like i don’t get it. like i was totally all for just fucking and that’s what i signed up for and that’s all i needed. and i just really fucking hate that everything was fine until they started saying shit that was way too sweet and i don’t know why i’m such a fucking humongous idiot.

love is actually the worst, most useless emotion. i felt pretty dead inside and i went around just dissociating constantly. and then for a second i felt something and i finally felt okay, and honestly i am trying so hard just to be fine on my own but i just feel like my life is constantly falling apart. i fucking hate my job. i don’t know if i actually have fun anymore. my parents are losing the house. i feel overwhelmed by everything. i’m really depressed. i’m so passive and directionless that i don’t know how to function without someone giving me constant validation. what’s the point?

the next time someone says they love me i’m going to laugh in their fucking face.

i’ve been dying to go to ireland for over a year now. i was just like fuck it i’m going to go travel because i never do anything for myself because i never know what i fucking want and right now i just want to be somewhere else. i’ve never really been the kind of person to pick a direction and, by some miracle, i have held on to this plan for the longest i’ve ever thought of doing anything. and so i’m just praying that it’s actually meaningful, and that i’m not just wasting my time doing something that i hope will make me happy.

and it’s literally the day before my trip -- this trip that has kept me trudging through my miserable existence for so long -- and i’m having a meltdown just because of some fucking person that i can’t even get angry at for being another shitty dude because they’re not a dude so like what criteria can i even use anymore? why do people only ever seem to want to use me?

the last time i traveled anywhere exciting, i was going through a really stupid break up and i let it affect the good time i should have been having and WOW it would be really nice if i could muster up some trademark Libra apathy right now. I should be fucking excited. I should be happy right now, and I’m not and I’m pissed.

So this is my attempt to unpack things and get on a more rational track of thinking. Because the more i try to tamp it down, the more out of control it gets.

I’m angry for a lot of reasons. I’m angry because I feel disappointed. But I am expecting things that I was never promised, and I have to accept that. I let someone get my hopes up and I can only assume it’s because I haven’t been honest with myself in the first place. A long time ago I asked the universe to let me find true love because I have been poisoned by Disney but it’s a dream that I never let go of no matter how angry of a feminist I was or as independent as I forced myself to be. I wanted to fall in love, and it consumed me. I had this dream that I’d somehow find it if I left Kentucky, and I postponed leaving for a long time.

So I got to a point where I was okay. I was depressed a lot, but I had a vacation to look forward to. I had a huge breakdown back in February because I felt so utterly trapped in my situation, so I said fuck it and booked a trip because life will just have to figure out how to go on without me. I still mostly felt nothing, and I felt lonely, and I wished really hard that I could give a shit about something. I worked on trusting people a little more, and tried to trust myself to receive affection. I asked for a reminder of how it felt to be sexual again, how to touch another person, and promised myself that I’d remain in control and wouldn’t let it hold me back. LMAO

So, I guess I find some comfort in knowing that I got what I wanted. And I mostly didn’t lose control. I’m not self harming. I’m in control of my behavior. As much as I hope that this is a sign that I can have some sort of affect on my reality, it seems unfair for some reason. Like, loads of people never “find love” or they do find it and then it ends because it always ends. Life is shitty and then you die. To hope for anything more is selfish.

So that’s where I’m at. Just... being melodramatic.

There’s not even really anything to be upset about. I’ve literally been going back and forth every other day because I can’t deal with having something good. Maybe that’s my problem.

When I was a kid, there were days when my dad would randomly buy me gifts or give me money or praise me for no reason, and then the next day or even the next hour he would turn on a dime. He called me fat and lazy a lot. He would threaten to hide his money so that me and my mom couldn’t buy food. He was under a lot of pressure and worked constantly, and he took his anger out on me because I couldn’t leave.

My first boyfriend lived four hours away in Ohio. I could only see him once a month, but we talked on the phone all the time. He would get jealous of all of my friends, even girls. When I confided that I thought I was bisexual, he was dismissive. He told me he’d hit me if I cheated on him. One time, he dreamt that he walked in on me fucking some rando, and that he shot me. We broke up for a short time, and I had sex with a guy friend, which I told him about at some point when we got back together. In response, he  said a lot of hurtful things and cut off contact completely.

My second boyfriend was twenty-four when I was seventeen. He was interested in someone who could be a full-time slave, and coerced me into trying more than just BDSM. He would constantly compare me to other people. He made me talk about him fucking other people when we were fucking. He tried to coerce me into having a threesome with some ex-girlfriend of his. He would call me stupid and spoiled, and he constantly made me feel like I was nothing. I let him fuck me in a janitor’s closet at the hotel where he worked. I didn’t enjoy it.

My third boyfriend was as passive as my exes were abusive. He was kind, and he did anything I asked him to, but I’m not sure if he cared about me. He never defended me when his friends put me down. When I confided to him about being trans, he skirted around the issue and wouldn’t call me Nolan.

I cheated on him with the person who ended up my fourth boyfriend. He had gay parents and appreciated me no matter how I identified. I don’t know why I broke up with him. Self-sabotage maybe. I still think about him a lot. I don’t know if I was always happy, but I think for the most part I was. I think he deserved better than me.

There was a stretch of time where I fucked a lot of random people. I met them through other friends, or on dating apps. I didn’t enjoy it. I don’t know why I made the effort.

At one point, I dated this married couple. I even babysat their two-year-old once. I think the wife really loved me. I think I loved her too, but as we can see I have a history of not actually believing that people are capable of finding me important. The husband was just trying to get as much pussy as he could. He made a big show of supporting my trans-ness, but when I was blowing him he didn’t think of me that way. He was one of many men who tried to coerce me into participating in orgies. I think I enjoyed it some of the time, but it was abundantly clear that I did not matter to him.

I had another relationship with this trans girl and I think it was one of the few normal relationships I’ve had. I don’t think I was very good to her, but at least we’re still friends.

I’ve already visited this part of myself. I’ve revisited it a lot. I have tried to work past it. I’ve tried to get away from it. It feels like I can’t escape it, and I think perhaps being in the same place that I’ve always been has contributed to this. I’m sleeping in the same room where my dad has yelled at me, where I’ve cried my way through break ups, where I laid awake and wondered if I’d ever actually matter to anyone.

I dunno why I do this to myself. I don’t know why I do this to anyone else.

I guess it’s just particularly disheartening because I thought that I’d done a really great job of moving past it. I used to think I couldn’t survive being single for a year, let alone two. Also a month ago I thought “Wouldn’t it be nice to literally feel anything at all?” and WOW am I eating my words.

I’m really just feeling way too much and I hate it, and I wish I could say I’m hopeful for the future but like... just, fuck it all. I keep waiting for things to change and they just never fucking do. I wish I could blame my completely shit feelings on being hungry or tired or stressed but like? I’ve taken my T-shot, I’m hydrated, I still felt like steaming shit after I had something to eat. I’m literally about to take a trip that I’ve been anticipating for a really heckin’ long time but instead of being overcome with joy, I can’t stop crying?

What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I let this happen? Why is it like every time I try to stop this from happening, I’m just like “lol it can’t be helped” and let it fucking take over my life?

I guess....... what I’m really trying to say..... is that if I get back from this trip and I don’t have some semblance of clarity and a better sense of direction that I’ll be fucking pissed. Best case scenario: My gut was right all along and I do somehow find true love. Like, trying to be realistic has literally never helped me before so why start now? Yeah, maybe in two weeks time I somehow meet someone or have some magical experience that changes the course of my life forever. Or maybe the universe is chaos and I’ll be forced to live out my existence in this flesh prison until I am suddenly and painfully no longer able to perceive anything at all. Maybe the plane will crash and it will be very tragic but ultimately irrelevant to the grander scheme of things.

Whatever happens, I just hope I never fucking feel this way again because I’m so god damn sick of it.

AND FURTHERMORE I just want to say that I think it’s completely unfair that Chris could be so completely everything I want and to literally read my mind and to look at me with their stupid fucking googly eyes like they actually give a shit lmao who the fuck decided this? i want my god damn money back. love is bullshit the end

[trillian8]

Groundhog Day Fan Week, pt.8

Day 8--Life After the Loop

“I’m Back”

Phil dreamt of this day for so long. He first thought of it when he was a different man, an empty shell of snark and bravado in a tiny van barreling up a northbound highway. He screamed it in the face of all the quack doctors that tried to “help” him. He saw it every night in his head before the alarm clock ripped another hole in his psyche. Lastly, as a fleeting thought quickly disposed of at the wish of the first person who ever really mattered to him. The day had finally come. . . . .Phil Connors was going home.

This is where all the stories end, the hero goes on a fantastical journey of self discovery and then goes home. But how do you do that? After experiencing such profound change and unexplainable phenomenon, what do you do? How do you go back to a life that doesn’t recognize you anymore? Phil has experienced the whole gambit of the human condition in “one day”, but knows he has so much real work left to go.

All of this swirls around in his head as the small town literally becomes smaller and smaller in the rear view mirror of the van. Larry is quietly drumming his fingers against the wheel as he drives. Rita is in the seat behind him getting her production notes in order. Both are blissfully unaware that Phil is having a massive existential crisis verging on anxiety attack. Admittedly, he is a little annoyed that they haven’t noticed, and then he feels like an ass for thinking that and starts his “I’m never gonna be able to keep this up” shame spiral. 20 minutes into the real world and he’s already freaking out.

It’s a good thing that he still has a good hour or so to go before he’s around any other people. An hour or so more thinking time, which he supposes could swing either way on the “healthy/not healthy for my sanity” scale. He wasn’t naive, he knew sitting on that park bench with Rita’s head resting on his shoulder that all of this mess was coming. But, when you’re faced with dwelling on how to confront the world now that you’ve have been so changed or debating with the most wonderful and simultaneously annoyingly stubborn person you have ever met whether or not she could get every person in town to give her a high-five (he lost that argument, and $20, but gained a make-out session behind the clocktower, so it evened out), well . . .it’s not really a contest.

Of course that’s gonna be one of the first things to go, being so casual with Rita. They talked, obviously, about how much fun they had these past few days and how they really want to make an effort to make this work. But back at the station there’s more rules, more expectations on how they need to be and he just knows this is going to lead to ruin. I mean, he can’t even think of where her office even is in the building, let alone who it is that she usually spent her time with there. She mentioned in one of the loops that people warned her about him, I’m sure they’re going to be thrilled when they walk in hand in hand (Not to mention the fire-lit hoops HR is going to put them through). No one there is going to understand what the hell she is thinking being with a guy “like him”, he barely does.

God the station, that’s a whole can of worms by itself without the Rita element. 10 years of arrogance and general assholery isn’t going to get swept under the rug with a smiley  “Hi, how are you today!” and buying everyone coffee. Phil never gave anyone behind the camera the time of day and saw the on camera talent as rivals that needed to be schmoozed or crushed. He always presented himself as popular and in control, but he understands now that probably the only part anyone could stand about him was that he knew how to throw a great party. No one is just going to forget or care that he can do all sorts of incredible things now (In fact he’s pretty sure that it’ll piss the research team right the hell off).

And he’s not even going to unlock the Pandora's Box of his brain that is relations with his family

Sweet Chocolate Christ he’s so Fucked!

Well and truly out of his depth . . .he might as well sell his place and just move to Punxsutawney full time, become the weird old hermit man that dishes out life lessons to the local children and does some strange hobby like whittling till he dies.

He could pull that off . . . maybe . . .for a month

“Phil?”

“Oh, hey Rita, what’s up?” Nice nonchalant delivery dumb-ass

“You look miles away there, are you okay?”

“Me . . .I’m fine”

Let’s do this

*Yea! This is officially the first full fanfic I’ve ever written. This started out like all of the other long-summery posts I had been doing for this week, but I figured since this is a special day, I should try to finish this thought (I might even write more to it, like what actually happens when Phil gets home as opposed to this just being in his head). This has been a wonderful week and I know that this fandom is only going to get stronger from here

[spraceaesthetic]

literally all for the crush ask game u deserve it

I frickin asked for this I guess uh here we go 😂1- Do they drink coffee?- aye but it goes to her head and she blurts whatever weird stuff comes to her mind and she mutters “did I just say that?” a lot2- are they left or right handed?- I’m pretty sure right?3- how do they do their hair?- she has a lot of really curly hair so mostly a pony tail and she plays with it a lot it’s cute4- what’s their favorite animal?- idk but she has a pretty cute dog5- what is their relationship status?- single(!)6- what is their favorite band/singer?- her favorite musical is come from away7- are they a cat person or dog person?- dog8-what does their laugh sound like?- either low bubbles or high cackles with tears in her eyes9- do they know multiple languages? Which?- she’s in Spanish 2 and also knows this language that I’m blanking on the name but it’s a blend of a couple?? 10- how old are they? How old are you?- she’s 14.5 (she says this) and I’m 1511- one word that describes them- sunshine12- do they have any pets?- doggo!13- what is their favorite tv show?- idk we mostly talk about musicals, ik she likes doctor who though14- what is their favorite movie?- same thing as above15- what car do they drive?- she’s 14.5 and can’t learn yet16- what ethnicity/nationality are they- ik her mom is Spanish but there’s a lot of different ethnicities and cultures in her family so idk what she would consider herself17- where did you first meet them?- in rehearsal18- what was your first meeting like?- We started casually talking in the hall waiting for rehearsal to start, but we didn’t really start like talking a lot until we went to a show with a few other cast members and sat across from each other at dinner19- what is their zodiac sign? Are you compatible?- she’s a Leo and I’m a Scorpio, so somewhat compatible but depends on the individuals20- what month is their birthday?- presumably July or august since she’s a Leo lol21- what is your favorite outfit on them?- I love the suit she wears for our show, but she also has a cool sweatshirt with paper cranes on it that I like22- are they a good texter?- yes, she sends me cheese puns23- your favorite feature about their appearance?- her eyes are so sparkly and deep ahhh24- your favorite thing about their personality?- she’s charismatic and intense, great at making everyone feel comfortable in her presence 25- do they make you laugh- yEs?! Sometimes I start laughing so hard I’m crying and she calls me adorable I’m d e c e a s e d26- do you make them laugh?- somehow, but mostly bc I’m laughing and my laugh makes her laugh27- are they a good hugger?- we’ve only like half hugged before, we mostly do those weird high fives when we walk past each other backstage where you grab their hand and slowly let go as you continue on your way28- what is your favorite “flaw” that they have?- she recycles puns all the time and thinks I won’t call her out, dabs too much29- are they nice to strangers?- sO NICE30- what is the funniest thing they have ever said?- “James can wear whatever bra he wants” on wearing a hot pink bra under her costume bc the vest covers it up perfectly31- saddest?- N/A32- weirdest?- muttering to herself in the mirror about a certain song lyric that doesn’t make sense and referring to herself in third person while fixing her hair 33- cutest?- “do you come here often?” When she was trying to ask if I did many shows at the theatre, but we were in a restaurant so odd wording XD34- ever dreamt about them? What happened?- not sure I just remember she was there and she was wearing yellow and I told her she looked lovely in yellow35- how tall are they? How tall are you?- I’m not sure, I’m 5'5" but she’s only slightly shorter than me so maybe 5'4"?36- do they have a booty?- a lil 😝37- what are their hobbies?- theatre, but it’s more of a profession i guess?38- what are their talents?- she’s a theatre triple threat, but I love her singing the most. 39- what would your dream date be with them?- going to see a show, I’ve also always wanted someone who would go to an aquarium with me40- does anyone know about your crush?- like all my friends at school bc i never shut up. In the cast only my wing girl knows41- what do you guys have in common?- love of theatre and puns, and we have the same type of humor. 42- do they go to the gym?- she dances a lot so yeah ish43- do they go by their given name?- yes44-what is their favorite color?- goood question?45- how far apart do you live?- only a bit, we don’t go to the same high school but since we’re at the same theatre a lot it’d have to be fairly close46- what song reminds you of them?- the songs from our show, especially her solos. 47- do they listen to a lot of music?- indeed48- what do they smell like?- comforting, soft49- if they were in a book how would the writer describe them?- made of sunshine and light with a sparkle in her eyes, a bounce in her step and a confident, smooth voice that made people inextricably drawn towards her. 50- how often do you see them?- since we’ve had tech week it’s been every day, but now I don’t see her until weekends and I’ll see her less after we close 😫51- the last text/message they sent you- I was sad so I asked for a pun and she replied with “sorry I don’t have any, I stink. Wait, do you want to hear the one about my socks? Oh wait, that stinks too”52- the last thing they said to you in public- difficult? Probably break a leg after our convo before our show. 53- what is the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you in front of them?- I regularly make a fool of myself but one time she and my friend fuckin roasted me bc I have a terrible sense of direction and got lost in a space that’s essentially a box54- do they have any tattoos or piercings?- just ear lobe piercings I think55- what color are their eyes?- brown 56- what is their clothing style?- casual and comfortable, lots of graphic tees and leggings57- what is one thing that makes them special?- her intensity in everything she does58- will you tell your crush your feelings?- I hope to by closing night at the latest??59- how long did you know them before you started falling for them?- not very long lol. Our first conversation hadn’t really happened but I couldn’t stop staring at her, that’s a little creepy sounding but uh yeah60- was there a defining moment when you knew you liked them?- I was bored and looking around during notes, she was playing with her hair and sitting in a sunbeam and I was thinking about how talented she was when I realized “oh shit I like this fucker”

[brianjameson]

So today was an amazing day sort of a moment of realization for me.

Lets start by saying Sunday was a shitty day.

I was driving up to Red Rock because I wanted to take my nephew to go see the mountains. He’s young and a kid so he has a tendency to play video games all day and watch television and never really gets out. I figured I’d take him to go to the mountains and just really take in the beauty that’s around him and outside of home and video games.

On the way to Red Rock there were a couple of cars in front of me and it was beyond windy so there was a ton of shit flying around everywhere. I didn’t think the weather was too bad until I got up there and it was raining and sort of snowing because of how cold it was. Something was in the road and I had seen people drive past it but I couldn’t tell if they were running over it so I run over what I think was a post that keeps the fences up and my tire just fucking POPS! immediately my low tire signal came on and I had to pull over on the side of the road. The minute I hit the pole I just knew my tire was done and my nephew was like yeah I think your tire popped.. But he said it in such a calm way where it was almost concerning that something could of possibly happened to us with all that wind and thank god I wasn’t going fast or anything.

I step out of my car to look and sure enough my tire is legit RUINED. So popped beyond belief or repair and even the wheel was dented. I wanted to cry. Only thing I could think about was how much money I was going to have to spend that I don’t have right now on things like this.. I sat there for a moment and just asked God like WHYYY, why me. Meanwhile my nephew is sitting beside me completely calm to where I was just looking like him like, are you serious? This isn’t concerning to you? lol

I know he’s a kid but as a kid I would of been so mortified and scared and my first thought would of been “how are we getting home?!” but he was just so calm and just straight up talking my ear off about random things while I couldn’t even keep my thoughts straight because of everything running through my mind lol.

I end up calling Nick and telling him what had happened so he was over in about 25 min to help change my tire to my spare. During our wait I stepped out and just figured well, there ain’t shit I can do and I’m gonna have to spend whatever I have on a new tire next week and that’s fine. I just felt like if my nephew wasn’t even worried then he probably feels like things like that get fixed anyways and that’s very much so his attitude towards things. So I took his advice on how he was feeling towards the situation and said screw it, I came up here to take photos and show him around and that’s what I’m going to do. Things like this happen to just about everyone and maybe it was just my turn.

So I took a couple of selfies and took some photos of him and of the mountain. The mountain was gorgeous, it was so overcast that the sun coming through just gave it a beautiful glow.

I ended up taking him back to the house and we just watched TV and hung out. It was good alone to just see him.

The moral of the story that day was to just be happy even in the most shitty of circumstances. It’s something I’ve never really enjoyed doing because it takes me a minute to really gather my thoughts but having my nephew with me that day actually helped me calm down and really hear myself think and to just enjoy what was around me which was the beautiful overcast weather and great big mountains.

So this week so far has been going just absolutely amazing. To start, I passed my state board exam and received my Cosmo license!!!!

HUGE accomplishment for me, truly. It’s something I’ve dreamt of since I was about 15 years old. I cried, I laughed I called my mom and it sounded like she even wanted to cry lol. It’s been a struggle but at the end of every tunnel I felt I was in, I ALWAYS saw a light. It’s the biggest joy, feeling like I did something I sought out to do years ago and managed to get this far and to be able to call myself a Cosmetologist now? Just wow. I’m proud of myself and proud of just how hard I pushed myself in school and the amount of support I received from friends and family during this time was just incredible.

It all happened so quick too! I scheduled my appointment a week before my test. I scheduled my appointment with the lady who I was renting my kit from the day before my test so I literally had no time to study for my practical so I just blew through it with Nick for 5-6 hours. I prayed to God most of the night to just not let me fail lol. I seriously would wake up revising the steps on how to remove everything from my kit when at the practical. I ran off of about 3-4 hours of sleep so I was rattled when I took it. But I made it! :)

Today I had so much to do. Since I screwed my tire up I went to Discount Tire to get a new one. I spent way less than I thought I’d have to spend so that was a delight and luckily they were able to bend my wheels rim back into place! Meaning I didn’t need to spend on anything else other than a tire. During this time I received a phone call from an agent telling me I would be getting health coverage which made me happy too! I’m 26 now so I’m no longer on my mothers insurance plan and needed to get my own. I get home and then receive an incredible text that I’ll share to come, can’t speak to soon on it. But it was a good one! I was feeling fucking good dude. So I wanted to keep the mood going so I went to go get my oil changed and a well needed car wash. My air filter was just done for and my car was so dirty and hasn’t been washed in MONTHS. After I got all of that square out of the way I decided to take my camera and go take photos at Red Rock. I really wanted to get a good picture of the sunset but it was a little too bright to really get a good picture of the sky but I got some pretty good photos. I was up there for about an hour n a half and it felt like 30 min.

I have an obsession for the outdoor and for mountains especially. I get lost just looking at them. Maybe it’s because they’re such huge structures of nature? Sometimes I feel like I can even see images on the mountains. Like this

Almost looks like an Indian face with the top of the mountain being the red paint Indians would put on.

Red Rock especially captivates me because it was land to different Indian tribes many many years ago and every time I look at it I almost see where it could of been home to Indians. If you’re interested on reading the history behind it just CLICK THIS LINK

But I just wanted to go up there and really appreciate everything great that happened today. It’s been a struggle lately and I’ve needed some real good news and joy in my life so whenever I feel good or need a pick me up I just go to the mountains.

I sat there and just felt so thankful for everything as of the past year up until now and all the accomplishments I’ve made. I know I always talk about being happy and optimistic and just to always do everything with a smile but there’s just been so much going on that I always find the light in every bad situation. To feel HAPPY because of the amount of good news I received today without having to try to be happy or trying to find the light in a bad situation, just really made my day. It’s what I’ve needed. I have more exciting news and a much longer blog about some things I want to open up about in detail.

Feel free to check out my photos from today! I’ll post some here and some on my website.

http://www.brianjamesonphotos.com

I hope you all enjoy. <3

Hidden Blessings So today was an amazing day sort of a moment of realization for me. Lets start by saying Sunday was a shitty day.

[jcmacri]

The Debate I Never Thought I’d Have

That’s it?

I’m assuming it was a Friday night, just because for most of my life, those were my dad’s days with me. Picked me up from school Friday afternoon, dropped me back off at mom’s Saturday for dinner. In between, there was basketball. From November to June, always basketball, starting in the Fall of 1992, the first time a kid who never wanted so much as to play catch in the front yard showed interest in sports of any kind. The local baseball and football teams were terrible, but something about this team in the orange and blue did it for me. It was the beginning of the most painful love affair I’d ever have. In the early days, that pain was mostly due to one man.

That’s all? That’s not that crazy.

I don’t remember why my half-brother was in from the city, but on this particular Friday, it gave me, him and our dad a chance to watch the Knicks play their rivals, the Chicago Bulls. I knew very little about basketball or the men who played it, so when my brother told me there was this guy on the Bulls that could literally fly, my ears perked up. “His name is Michael Jordan. You have to see him…he jumps with the ball, and then hangs in mid-air. It’s unbelievable.” I was pretty naïve, even for a nine-year old, so when my brother told me that the dude could fly, I was expecting some serious comic-book level shit. And then we watched the game, and, well…

Hs’s not flying…I mean, he jumps really high…but it doesn’t look like he’s that much better than everyone else around him. Is it time for TGIF?

Like I said, I wasn’t the worldliest kid. Over the next five years, my impression of the man I first witnessed that Friday night would change considerably. Like many others between the ages of 30 and 40, I came to regard Michael Jordan with something of a God-like reverence. Debating his place in the hierarchy of NBA history with someone close to my age is only slightly less fruitful than trying to convince a staunch Republican or Democrat to switch their party allegiance. There is no argument. There is the view that Michael Jordan is the best basketball player of all time, and then there is being wrong and stupid. There is no in between.

Figuring out the reasons why are both incredibly simple and incredibly complex. On one hand, there is a symmetry to his accomplishments: six championship battles, six rings, six Finals MVP’s, two three-peats, zero losses. A person who was dropped onto this earth from another dimension could sit and listen to a merits-based Jordan argument and walk away convinced in under a minute. There’s not much to it.

On the other hand, for those who grew up watching him, understanding the true measure of Michael’s greatness is to understand why The Godfather is considered the greatest movie ever made by anyone raised in an Italian American household or why New York City is a place without parallel to anyone who lives there. If you watched him, and experienced that sensation of “he’s not going to lose…he’s never going to lose…he can’t ever lose” - a premonition that never failed - then you know the feeling.

Well, it did fail. Once. To Orlando, in 1995, in a moment history remembers merely as footnote to Jordan’s dominance. Oddly enough, the way that loss ended up fueling his undying dedication to dominating everyone and everything he encountered from then on has rendered it another notch on his belt, not a knock on his legacy.

The other part of the narrative that gets swept under the rug is the Washington era, which I experienced as a 19 and 20-year-old, and in some ways is still my most vivid memory of him. Most choose to ignore those years, but I embrace them, not despite of their imperfection, but because of it. A 40-year-old man who had no business being anywhere near a basketball court could still, on any given night, be the best player on the floor. I was in attendance on one of those nights, his last as a visiting player at MSG. He scored 25 points in the first half, cut his chin diving on the floor for a loose ball, and the Wizards lost a game they needed to win to keep any remote playoff hopes still alive. To this day, it’s the only time I’ve ever rooted against the Knicks.

He would hang up the sneakers that bore his name once and for all a few weeks later, two months before a precocious kid from Akron landed with the franchise that Jordan tortured perhaps more than any other. Now, fifteen years into a career that is unparalleled in sports history for its combination of length and level of dominance, LeBron James finds himself in a similar position to Jordan on that final afternoon at the Garden. 

Much like Mike, James has no business being where he is right now. The Cavs, to put it politely, are not good. They just emerged victorious in a Game Seven in an arena that has historically been the toughest place to win one of those. Jeff Green, playing on a minimum contract that was (correctly) lambasted by the NBA illuminati the moment it was signed, was Cleveland’s second best player. Tristan Thompson, who might very well be playing on a minimum contract himself right now if it weren’t for James, was probably the third. The rest of the Cavs combined to go 7-of-24. Ty Lue, who stated last week that he didn’t put his best shooter in a game because he was waiting for a particular substitution from Boston, is the coach. It’s as far a cry from Riles and Spo and Wade and Bosh as you can get.

And yet here he is. Through what can only be described as sheer force of will, the Cavs will play in a fourth consecutive Finals, the eighth straight for James. The Knicks have not won eight playoff games since James has been in the league, so LeBron haters can forgive me for being the slightest bit in awe of his most recent accomplishment.

It has, of course, ramped up another round of debates, this time at levels not previously heard. The conversations have been getting gradually louder ever since Cleveland dethroned Golden State two years ago, and they have now reached a fever pitch. It seems, for the first time, that there is a place in the Venn diagram - ever so small - where previously staunch Jordan stans are willing to, at the very least, listen to opposing viewpoints.

That, in and of itself, is miraculous. It also isn’t going to make the debate go away any time soon. The Godfather is still The Godfather, New York is still New York, and Michael Jordan is still Michael Jordan to all who were lucky enough to watch him in real time. I’m one of those people, and for LeBron’s entire career, I’ve never been willing to budge on my stance regarding Jordan’s place atop the pantheon, not even a little. If I ever came close, LeBron’s performance in the 2011 Finals versus the Dallas Mavericks sent back the tide. LeBron scored eight points on 11 shots in Game Four. The Heat lost by three, and then went down with something resembling a whimper in games five and six. Game, set, match.

That series ended with LeBron, a petulant pre-teen in the body of a man, at the podium reminding everyone how shitty their lives were and reaching perhaps the lowest point that anyone who’s ever actively held the title of “Greatest Player of his Generation” has ever sunk to. Since that night, all James has done is dominate his sport unlike anyone before him ever dreamt of doing. The numbers don’t lie:

LeBron, 2011 to 2018, age 27 to 33: 26.5 points, 7.7 rebounds, 7.4 assists, 1.5 steals, 0.7 blocks, 36 percent from deep on 4.0 attempts per game, .615 true shooting, 31.2 percent usage, 37.1 minutes per game, 42 games missed, 143 playoff games, seven Finals, three rings, three Finals MVP’s, two MVP’s, seven All-NBA First Teams.

Michael Jordan’s age 27 to 33 seasons, years 1990 to 1996: 30.7 points, 6.3 rebounds, 5.1 assists, 2.3 steals, 0.8 blocks, 37 percent from deep on 2.4 attempts, .575 true shooting, 33.2 usage, 38.2 minutes, 153 games missed, 105 playoff games, five Finals, five rings, five Finals MVP’s, three MVP’s, five All-NBA First Teams. 

Pretty close. If you add up the last five categories for each player – Finals, rings, MVP’s, Finals MVP’s and All-NBA First Team selections – its 22 for LeBron, 23 for Michael. If you throw in the preceding years, it’s James 31, MJ 29.

Here’s the point: if you’re planting a flag for the kid from Wilmington, the numbers are no longer a safe haven…but again, to Jordan’s staunchest supporters, those numbers were never the crux of the argument. No one gives a shit how many Oscars Godfather won. The numbers in an MJ argument have always been background noise. The memory of Michael and what he did -  the sheer inevitability of the result and the brute force with which he made it come to pass - has always been the trump card.

Until now. On the Lowe Post this week, Kevin Pelton wondered aloud, “How much can one man do?” We’ve seen the answer over these last six weeks. Never before has one player done so much for a team, and not in a Russell Westbrook, late-career Kobe, or yes, early-career Jordan kind of way. LeBron has extracted every ounce of what he can from this rag tag bunch, and every time that well runs dry, he dips back into his reserves and finds another pocket of energy. 

The difference between this postseason and 2007 is that those energy reserves are no longer endless. The gas light can go on, and it has, repeatedly. It’s as if he’s calculated, not only within games but over the course of entire series, when and how he needs to spend those precious last few pennies in the account so that he can still make rent. As he lay on the floor following his Game Seven win in Boston, it’s clear that he had been living on ramen noodles and saltine crackers for a few days just to make it past the finish line. 

Jordan needed to do this once, in the flu game (or the hangover game, depending on which story you believe). It is perhaps the moment that defines him more than any other. James has, in a way, had the equivalent of his own flu game since the playoffs began, and he is still standing.  

It has become clear that the man who cowered under the lights in Dallas is gone. The force of nature that has replaced him is in command of every faculty of the game, more so than anyone who has come before him. The most physically superior specimen in sports since Jim Brown has finally put it all together… 

..and yet, in roughly a week from now, in all likelihood, this man will have as many losses in NBA Finals as the man he is chasing has wins. It feels as inevitable as Jordan’s victories once were – the inevitability that defined him in my eyes and the eyes of so many others - and that, more than anything, is the hump some people can’t get over. 

Is it fair? Who’s to say. What’s undeniable is that the 35-year-old man I am is trying to reconcile what I’m seeing with what the 15-year-old boy in me refuses to let go. The answers that were once clear are no longer so. That, in and of itself, is a place I never thought I’d get to.

[seriouslysoulsearching-blog]

Been a while!

It’s been over 2 weeks since I last posted anything on here so I’ll try to write what’s been going on to the best of my capability.

As of today, I’m feeling good about myself. I haven’t focused on my body, haven’t critized myself in the mirror, or felt crummy about the way I look. I’m grateful to have four limbs that work, a smart brain, eyes that can see. After working a few shifts, I am grateful for my body to keep me going for 12+ hours, taking care of people. Also, I’ve been so active and busy that I don’t really even care what I eat because I know it’s all balancing out. What I’m putting in is getting put out and probably then some. I’ve been making sure to pack healthier snacks with not so healthier foods to balance it out. Since I’ve broken free of controlling what I’ve eaten (which has successfully been 6+ months) I’ve sort of been enjoying all the foods I once thought were “junky”. For example, I’ve been going through a boxed mac and cheese phase since the early summer. It just recently ended but I’ve moved on to cosmic brownies. The most amazing thing is that since I stopped controlling, my body is at ease and accepting of what I feed it! Even if it’s loads of cookies, chocolate, ice cream, donuts. My sweet tooth is in heaven, my dentist isn’t gonna be too pleased though.

My therapist and I spoke about writing a list of things I like about myself and to do it while I’m feeling good so when I’m not I can look back and read it...so here we go: -i like the color of my hair. it’s natural color is so beautiful--it’s a dark blonde with tones of copper and brighter highlights. i’ve had hairdressers compliment me and tell me how people pay a lot to get my hair color -i like my naturally thick, beautifully shaped eyebrows -i like my big beautiful blue eye. which are green toward the pupil -i like my straight teeth and pretty smile -i like my freckles which mostly like to come out during summer but the ones that stay during winter are nice too--specifically the one of my lining of my eye -i like my personality: caring, loving, sarcastic, sassy, sweet, witty, funny -i like my height -i like that i’m not afraid to look someone in the eye and talk to them without being uncomfortable -i like how my butt and legs get fuller before anything else

That’s about it for now. I worked last night and only slept for a few hours so I’m not totally gonna think as straight as I normally would.

I’m also feeling good about myself because I’m doing really well so far with training. This is my second week of work. I just worked my 5th day last night. I think I may just make another post about this because it’s probably going to be lengthy and I wasn’t anticipating writing so much about body image and self esteem but I’m letting my brain flow right now.

But before I write about work, I did want to briefly update how I’m dealing with heartache and this whole break up. There were a few nights this past week tgar I was dreaming about my ex. There were two back to back nights that I dreamt about him and when I woke up that second morning, I couldn’t help but feel a little sad. I was sad about what I was dreaming about. I was sad and frustrated that he and I have unfinished business and that unfinished business is literally haunting me in my dreams. It upsets me that he and I couldn’t have a conversation about why I broke up with him. He was impossible to explain things to, it was impossible for him to see my perspective and for him to validate any of my feelings. I had to block him in all aspects of my life otherwise it would’ve have been an endless loop of me trying to explain myself. I wish we had a better ending, it’s doesn’t sit well with me that he didn’t understand me and that I was misunderstood. He probably will never understand. So after being frustrated that morning, I did cry and let it hang over my head while I got ready for work, but as soon as I was on the floor, all the thoughts looming in my head went away. We had a really busy night on Tuesday. 

Starting work has been a huge distraction and platform for me to really start moving on. I’m learning so much every shift. I am constantly doing something. It’s been really good for me. Especially because I’m doing well. I KNOW this is what I’m meant to be doing.