#I’ve just opened my eyes I can’t provide commentary

[blamemma]

visacashapprb: you ain’t ready for this one 😮‍💨

[lithiumcreepblog]

Steve Harrington & Jonathan Byers’

The Great American Road Trip

Day 1. 07/21/1993. Chicago, IL to St. Louis, MO.

Day 1: Jonathan and I are on the Route 66. Finally. We have been planning this trip for a while, and we’re going from Chicago to Santa Monica the whole way through, then visiting Argyle. I’ve been wanting to go on a cross country road trip for a long time, so it’s great that we get to go now. We stopped by a vendor at the pier first and got some sunglasses for the road. Jonathan said I’m too obsessed with sunglasses. I don’t think so though. It’s not my fault I look incredibly cool in them. He looks really good in them too, not that he’ll ever admit it. He wouldn’t let me take a picture of him with two sunglasses on at the same time, but he looked pretty silly. We drove for a few hours to Springfield where we stopped for a quick lunch at a diner. Actually, Jonathan drove and I provided meaningful commentary the whole way. Jonathan also won’t stop filming everything he sees with his video camera… he’s making a film later of our trip. Robin told me I should keep a journal too, write down stuff I find interesting along the way. Which I saw a lot of. One of which is this big statue called The Gemini Giant in Wilmington. He had an astronaut helmet that looks more like a mask for welding, but it was pretty cool. My favorite stop of the day was the detour to the old brick road which is part of the original stretch of the Route. We’re already out of Illinois and made it to St. Louis even with all our stops. But it was already dark when we arrived so we’ll have to see the Arch tomorrow. I’m absolutely wiped because I took over the driving role after Springfield, but today was more fun than I even imagined.

“Do you really have to record everything?”

“Oh yes, this is very important. We’re capturing the essence of Americana… gorging yourself on a hamburger with bacon. Pure American decadence.”

“Give me that, I’m not being the only one with my mouth open on camera.”

“Alright, alright. Here you go, get a shot of our milkshakes together.”

“So, Jonathan. Tell the camera, how have I been as a road trip companion so far?”

“Hmm, very distracting.”

“What? I’m offended.”

“Don’t look at me like a kicked puppy, I mean it in a good way. I’ve just never seen you this lively or taken with anything, that’s all. This is about fulfilling your dream as much as it is about mine. It is like being a kid all over again, isn’t it? Going places we’ve never been before and seeing new things. It’s just hard to focus on the road when your eyes are lighting up beside me with every weird landmark we pass.”

“Nice save there, Jon. I am glad we get to do this together. It’s already some of the most fun I’ve had, and you are a great partner to go on a road trip with.”

“Likewise, Steve. I can’t believe we’ve never done this before.”

“And why don’t you give us something from that book of yours as parting words for anyone who might be seeing this?”

“I don’t think we’ll be showing this to anyone but sure… let’s see… okay, here. ‘What is that feeling when you’re driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing?—It’s the too-huge world vaulting us, and it’s good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.’”

“Alright… I think I understood what that means… now, back on the road!”

Steve & Jonathan listen to this on repeat for about 5 times before they both grow tired of it. Steve then wonders if there are any other songs about Route 66 to which Jonathan goes on a 15 minute long lecture about the origin of the song, from Nat King Cole to the other renditions. Steve listens with a fond smile as Jonathan becomes more animated behind the wheel, and plays the tape again just for the fun of it.

Souvenirs obtained: one fridge magnet that says Route 66 Illinois for Joyce, one miniature car to put on Steve’s shelf, one postcard set for the memories.

[shirefantasies]

hey hi hello!! i saw that these were open and i wanted to take part in them. new follower by the way (^_^) and happy 300 followers!!

im an introvert, usually very quiet and calm and rather hard to provoke at times. i'm easily irritated and lack patience with people who don't really think things through (though i grow warm over time as i grow tolerant in SOME cases). im very loyal and reliable as told by my friends and act similarly to a nagging aunt of sorts?? i'm rational and rather stubborn in the things i do but i relent depending on the severity of things. im also quite petty in certain cases.

i've been told it's easy to be around myself as a person, and people are really comfortable to be themselves in my presence. generally, i'm very blunt since i don't know how to phrase my words any better and some people (& even friends) at times, take the things that i say the wrong way without meaning to. i tend to get along with most people as long as they deal with the same mutual respect back.

i'm rather sarcastic and tend to tease a lot out of the fun of it. it's really easy to get me flustered, especially with flirts because the first thing i'd do is laugh and try to get out of there as soon as possible 😭 i think use both my words and actions equally since i (usually) follow up with what i say. i have tendencies to be a people watcher and observe people going about their day..

i wouldn't really consider myself the most passionate or enthusiastic person either but i really enjoy listening to those who have one. really makes me happy to see people enjoy the things they do. in a sense, i like when people have the things that i lack (energy, passion etc) i just love seeing it A TON. at times, i also have trouble in wording the things that i want to say so it ends up falling flat at times. so i wouldnt say im the most persuasive person either.

appearance wise, i'm about 5'4 and on the chubbier side of things. i have brown skin, really dark brown eyes and 4B black hair. i have small hands and lots of moles on my body but specifically i have 1 on each cheek. as for interests im really into anything that interests me since i get bored easily. most things that catch my attention are typology, videogames, music and gardening. im also learning to play the bass guitar as well. id prefer male interests from the hobbit, thank you!! hope that you have a good night/day!!

Thank you for joining the following! Hope it’s been a pleasant stay 💚 Hopefully I’ve found the right man dwarf for you when I say…

Fili!

One of your first conversations involves you rolling your eyes about having to show one of the older dwarves how to use something; Fili overhears and adds some sass and the rest is history. You’re quiet, he grants, but you provide the best commentary he’s heard beyond all the jokes with his little brother and it’s relaxing to sit by your side as you practice your instrument. Soon he begins making more normal conversation, asking things like what you want to do when this whole journey is over. You aren’t sure, you admit; you went on this quest because you were tired of simply watching life go by. “Then why not stay in the Lonely Mountain?” Fili asks. “Won’t be so lonely when we’re done with it, after all.” “What will your uncle think?” You arch a brow. “Don’t worry about him,” the golden-haired dwarf waves a hand, “I can handle him. Convince him denying outsiders is a bit elven of him, you know.” You can’t help giggling at that.

Soon you two are at each other’s sides more often, backing each other up in fights and moving in great sync. Your strikes build off his and vice versa, and he once convinces you to essentially let him toss you into the fray. You, him, and Kili are quite the menaces together! They always save you a seat between them at fireside, quips flying between you three. Kili holds you there so Fili can flirt with you, having learned you're quite a runner when you get flustered. Nice try, Fili thinks you're too cute like that!

Sometimes you get frustrated with each other, and interestingly enough it is over a shared trait- both of you are very self-sacrificing. Loyalty dominates, leading both of you to block thoughts of self out to save others and put yourselves in compromising situations and danger. The other confronts and sometimes things snap or blow up, but these are the moments when you realize how much you care about each other. Fili takes you in his arms and tells you he loves how stubborn and caring you are, but it would kill him if anything were to happen to you. It is during one of these arguments that you admit your feelings for each other, biting them out in the heat of the moment and effectively halting the argument in favor of battle by your lips instead.

He loves to cut off flustered words with a kiss to each cheek or a quick peck on your lips. Your small hands fit perfectly in his; he loves holding one between his or both to keep them warm! One of his favorite forms of affection with you, that as well as walking arm-in-arm. Fili absolutely adores your hair, too. Gorgeous curls he would be happy to learn how you care for and of course braid if you let him! At least once, so he can show the world you're his king/queen and no one else. "That's right," he adds the proud remark every time he says those words.

Your enjoyment of gardening intrigues the dwarf, who grew up with the pride of mining, jewelry-making, and chemistry in his people. Loving growing things is quite charming, bringing the prince to investigate what plants can stay underground as you move with him into your lovely mountain nook. He helps you dig up the freshest soil and buys you the most beautiful stoneware pots for your plants. Also insists on naming them, so have fun with that! It's just one of his habits, like the little jigs he does when you get playing your music. He's stubborn and silly and selfless and that is why you love him.

[mearcatsreturns]

Favorite 2022 Reads

Last year, I did one of these wrap-ups and enjoyed it, so I figured I’d do another! These books were ones I read for the first time this year (except the bonus, which I re-read this year and really resonated with me) that I enjoyed more than the rest. There’s some romance, some horror, some fantasy...and hey, let me know if you’ve read and enjoyed these, or if you have recommendations you think I’d like in 2023. These aren’t in order of enjoyment because I can’t be bothered to rank that intensely, but are arranged alphabetically by author’s last name. 

Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo

Friends. Buddies. Pals. This book right here. I really enjoyed LB’s YA fantasy books, so I figured I’d finally give this one a shot. And boy am I glad I did. I’ve realized that while I do read a ton of romance novels, the books that usually get me are urban fantasy. This one has horror, dark academia, and commentary on academic elitism and social privilege. Trigger warnings abound, but it’s worthwhile if it won’t mess you up too badly. I’ve already put in my preorder for the sequel, Hell Bent, which will be released in January. 

Legendborn by Tracy Deonn

An end-of-the-year surprise! During finals, I don’t let myself read any new books, but this one came in from the library and I didn’t want to risk not reading it. It was a trap...I was going to read it just during my commute, but I could not be stopped. This is a YA urban fantasy novel, but it’s impeccably researched and well-written. Arthuriana meets critiques of systemic racism and traumatic grief and hooooo, it’s good. I’m eagerly awaiting the second book in the series, which was released not long ago. 

Book Lovers by Emily Henry

Listen. Have you ever had the experience of reading a romance novel and then realizing you relate more to the “bad” woman that the male protag dumps so he can get with the sweet, gentle one who will just be the best and most supportive wifey ever? Or that you’ve been in that boat yourself? This book provides justice for all the ambitious women with rough edges that want to see themselves in a romance novel, without demanding that she sacrifice her ambitions and have 55 children (while still being sympathetic to other life paths). Bonus for publishing industry nonsense and complex sibling relationships. 

The Deal by Elle Kennedy

I thought this would be just a fun palate cleanser of a friends-to-lovers college story. And it is that, but it also ended up being so much more. Let’s talk the friends-to-lovers angle--I rarely read a book where I so thoroughly believe in the friendship between the characters before I see a hint of romance. It was so well done. Then, as for the other, it had one of the most realistic and compassionate treatments of how sexual assault can affect people even years later. It wasn’t solved and cured and tied up with a neat little bow, but it was hopeful nonetheless.

I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy

Ah, the complexities of grief and recovering from conservative subcultures. Loving your parents but knowing they aren’t doing right by you. Confronting exploitation and exploiring recovery. This memoir is a gut-punch, and it’s incredibly well-written. I can’t wait to see what Jennette does next, even if that’s dropping out of the public eye. 

Bonus Re-Read Fave: Fair Game by Patricia Briggs

I believe I read this for the first time last year, but this year was when it started hitting hard for me. In addition to being a fun urban fantasy novel (it’s book 3 in a series, so perhaps not the easiest to just open and dive into), but ooh boy does it hit. You know how The Deal is compassionate about dealing with sexual assault? Well, this book may take on a fae angle and deal with prejudice, but it’s about the catharsis of someone who loves a victim being willing to burn the world down for them, and I fucking love it. *chef’s kiss*

[scorchedhearth]

hiiiii emyr i was wondering if anyone has asked about the andy/booker fic (if you ask me, i will do it for you) yet <3 one of your tog fics that i read first and ive been rotating your commentary abt quynh/booker, andy/booker, and andy/quynh in my head for a while now :]

ur the first to ask about it!! booker/andy/quynh the triad from hell that lives inside my heart <3 i can make them all so much worse!

ask for my director's commentary of a fic

this fic!!! oh this fic. a big one for me, big reveal for many things i didn’t expect. i forgot how i got the idea, just that writing it sorta kinda pretty much gutted me <3 first time i properly wrote andy/booker after thinking about them for a few months as well as first time i wrote nb andy which was an eye-opening experience to me at the time. i wanted to try something softer, more subdued here, i tried to give the impression that this fic is told in quiet whispers if that makes sense, mostly because of the main topic here: grief

i keep it implicit but andy is grieving the death of their son here, i tried to draw parallels with andy and booker thru that idea, how they understand each other, and how they both deflect and avoid the topic with the same tricks (mirrored in the canon events we have, booker and andy are closer thanks to their misery, they’re stuck in a hole together). i needed a line about how booker sees the exact same unhealthy mechanisms in andy as he has himself, and calls it out and tries to make them talk it out because he knows what he’s doing doesn’t help himself but is hypocritical about it and doesn’t want that suffering for andy, just like andy despite and because of their old age refuses to pick the healthy choice and decide to stay stuck in the pain and suffer in it. the thesis of their ship to me is finding comfort in pain but going about it by cushioning the pit they’re in instead of helping each other out

i loved writing the first part before they bathe and how out of it andy is, they’re often so composed or in control of themselves that i enjoyed peeking at what happens when they crack under the pressure and crumbles. in contrast, it got me to write booker being competent, caring and providing for them, something he doesn’t get to do often around the other immortals, and what i think is a thesis of his character, something he’s missing now which explains in part why he’s so miserable: he’s a father who cannot be a father to anyone in his life anymore. i love tog immortals’ for how it allows u to play with relationships, and i like how booker can shift in and out of a fatherly behavior around andy here, how it brings him solace and soothes him too. that’s why there’s this almost desperate plea at the beginning of ‘let me take care of u’, booker needs this as much as andy does

and i think this must be one of the best sentences i’ve ever written: ‘He’s not good like them, he’s selfish, and scared, and terribly in love so he says the first thing that crosses his mind. “You’re good to me, Andy.” He says.’ im a fan of love that hurts, love that renders selfish, hozier’s ‘love as an act of violence against the world, i’m choosing this person over all of u’ and andy and booker, especially closer to the 21th where they’re both left adrift and struggling, embody that for me

and then there’s the physical intimacy, the nonsexual nudity, the complete trust they share together, how andy lets booker wash the blood off their hands and how they let him help and calm them down. that’s why i wanted to write this with bathing and hair washing, to pick this act that’s one of the most caring one can do, cleaning another person and rubbing their back and washing their hair for them, a sign of trust and intimacy and being family

there’s this stream of bitterness through the fic too, booker’s cynicism and multiple reminders that he doesn’t believe he’s happy but can’t bring himself to lie either (saying home without meaning it, not offering white lies like joe or nicky would do, not able to tell andy they’re ok or that it’s going to be alright) instead giving the only thing he can: factual assessment of the situation and himself (im here for u, whatever u get out of my presence by ur side)

and the last lines of dialogue! ‘it’s enough’ andy says because despite feeling pulled and broken from all sides by the world around them, the people they have around them are enough to make bearing this life worth it. i wanted to andy a version of andy that is tired already, but not yet exhausted by life like we see in canon where they do not want to keep fighting anymore, i wanted to showcase an andy that is worn down but still willing to bear pain and live, just weighed down not yet crushed by their long life

the title is a reference to booker's attitude here, all he wants is for andy to ask for his help, he's ready to give himself to them entirely, if only they were to ask for that. he's desperate to belong to them, and relishes in any drop of it he can get

[slayfk]

scroll to the bottom for resources and donation links. the table of contents/order of discussion in this post is my commentary > what you can do > resources (general > boone) > donation links.

since this has gotten some traction and many people seem to have relatives here i will go on to say. i attend appalachian state university and their response to this hurricane has been the worst behavior i’ve seen, and ive watched them rename our pride parade “spring fest” and get rid of our art expression tunnels by painting over all of it and filling them with cameras (one is back now). they did not allow anyone to evacuate in time by refusing to cancel classes before the hurricane hit. even then they didn’t even cancel our classes—they put them online AFTER 12PM on thursday, giving no one time to prepare for what was next. we only just found out YESTERDAY we don’t have school this week. we received radio silence aside from automatic emergency alerts all throughout the hurricane happening. it’s scary. appalachian state doesn’t care about its students.

how do i know this? last semester, wey hall, the art hall, was falling apart around its students and app didn’t care. my roommate was one of them. they made students work in classrooms of chipping lead paint and leaky, collapsing ceilings—they had students forced to work in a building without working water or proper ventilation that was an active construction zone just because they didn’t want to move the kilns and woodshop equipment. a concrete slab fell through the ceiling of an active classroom full of students and they DENIED IT EVER HAPPENED. will they care about the classroom damage from helene? will they care that their students are homeless and can’t find new homes due to the ongoing housing crisis they created by over-admitting students, over doubling the town’s population? how could they, when they allowed art students to work in potentially life threatening conditions while refusing to acknowledge their protests for weeks?

appalachian state university is one of the only places in boone right now with wifi. they have their own water and power separate from the rest of the town. they’ve opened up our convocation center/basketball stadium to the red cross and are providing meals at the dining halls, but they have not acknowledged the homelessness of so many people, they have not given us any idea of what is going to happen or what they’re going to do, or why they didn’t do more to prepare for this. we just don’t have school until friday and that’s all we know. boone is a ghost town and so many students are homeless . so many professors are trapped in their homes as they live further up the mountains and they can’t get out. it’s hell here and they didn’t even cancel our football game on friday until halfway through the day as the town was actively being destroyed by floodwaters. it’s bullshit and it’s insanity. our classrooms are full of water and we don’t know what’s going to happen.

it is likely that appalachian state couldn’t give us a response because they had to wait for the unc school system to decide what to do. the unc school system fucking hates appalachian state and only uses us for our mediocre football team and to increasingly stuff boone full of students despite there being no more room for them in our town. appalachian state has let thousands of people down despite having the town of boone by the balls and bullying our town into doing its will.

if you know someone in boone and are worried about them, let me know. i know the status of most places in the main town and i can reach out to try to figure out what i don’t as many of my friends remain in town. i am also a part of every single boone/appalachia community facebook group i possibly can be so that i can keep an eye on facebook posts regarding this.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

- if you are in boone or similar areas and have the ability to leave (roads are clear, you have a place to stay) LEAVE. towns are running on fumes and they need to preserve all they can for those who can’t leave. 421 is clear from boone eastward, so if you’re heading that way, you should be good (still be careful)

- SPREAD THE WORD. STAY TALKING ABOUT THIS. don’t let the government push appalachia under the rug yet again. repost pictures of the destruction, tell people’s stories. don’t let this fade away. repost tiktoks. repost tweets. reblog posts on tumblr. spread the word.

- DONATE i’ll post donation links and mutual aid organizations below. please note that many won’t be able to receive electronic monetary donations due to the lack of service in the appalachias, so donating to organizations is a good thing because they can get those donations processed off site and convert to physical supplies. donating electronically is still SO helpful, but if you’re wanting to help IMMEDIATELY, donating to organizations that are on the ground is the way to go.

Please note that I am trying to find organizations all throughout affected areas, but I am more aware of those in NC, so that is likely what there will be more of. If you are aware of other organizations, funds, and resources in other places, please message me and I’ll update this post with more.

RESOURCES

These will be updated as I find more, so check back in every now and then to see what’s up.

GENERAL

The 211 hotline or 888-892-1162 calls the NC Search and Rescue Center.

Disaster Roaming has been made available for some cellphone users in Western NC.

Apply for FEMA if you or your property have been damaged by Helene!!!!!!!

Appalachian Classifieds Facebook Group (Good communication platform if you are in WNC and need help/community/guidance or are in WNC and wanting to help)

BOONE-SPECIFIC

ASU Helping Hand (Instagram Account with Resources to Help)

Appalachian State campus now has power and Wi-Fi.

Holmes Convocation Center is currently occupied by the Red Cross.

Roess Dining Hall (Central) has been opened to any who need free food.

DONATE/SUPPORT

These will be updated as I find more, so check back in every now and then to see what’s up. DO NOT DONATE TO APPALACHIAN STATE UNIVERSITY RIGHT NOW. They have opened donations but they do not need your money. They need to use the millions of dollars the state gives them for their mediocre football team to help the town they’ve helped destroy.

American Red Cross Hurricane Helene Relief Fund - The American Red Cross is currently operating out of the Holmes Convocation Center in Boone. They are sheltering both people and pets but have minimal food to offer. They have been handing out cases of water bottles on App State campus to anyone who needs it as well.

Fleet of Angels - A charity dedicated to the upkeep of horses during and following natural disasters and other emergencies. Advocated for by Redfeather Farm, NC as the best place to donate to help horses affected by Helene.

Mutual Aid Disaster Relief - A grassroots organization dedicated to community disaster relief and assistance. Their Venmo is MutualAidDisasterRelief as they are currently accepting donations.

Appalachian Medical Solidarity - A grassroots network of those involved in medical care dedicated to supporting communities during disasters in Appalachia, notably around Buncombe county. Their Venmo is AppMedSolid as they are currently accepting donations.

Samaritan’s Purse Disaster Relief* - This organization is homophobic. You do not have to donate to this organization if you are uncomfortable with that. However, I am still listing it because they have been taking big steps to help out with disaster recovery and it is worth considering. They are one of the major movements in Boone right now. Beggars can’t be choosers in this scenario and any help is necessary to recover from this disaster.

Hartford, TN Relief Fund - A fund to help out the town of Hartford, TN, which has been ravaged by the hurricane.

Ashe Really Cares - A community-run group that provides clothes, food, and other essentials to those who need it in Ashe county. They are currently accepting donations to help with hurricane relief.

Hospitality House Northwest NC - Hospitality House is a major site of relief for unhoused people in northwest NC.

Hunger and Health Coalition - An organization that works to provide food and medication to those who need it.

F.A.R.M. Café - A Café that has always served pay-what-you-can meals to the Boone area. They’ve stepped it up to help with hurricane recovery.

MANNA Foodbank - A foodbank in Asheville that was secured prior to the hurricane, meaning they retained their supplies.

BeLoved Asheville - An organization on the ground distributing a wide variety of supplies to those in Asheville. They are in need of food, bottled water, contractor-size trash bags, blankets, first aid supplies, feminine hygiene products, diapers and baby clothes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, paper towels, bleach, shovels, brooms, gloves, coolers, propane, cook stoves, flashlights, batteries, fans, dehumidifiers, and generators. Their Venmo is BeLoved-Asheville and their CashApp is $BeLovedAsheville and their Zelle is 828-412-2054 .

Help A Watauga County Family Rebuild - The Workman family had to be rescued by the fire department after their apartment was flooded. Both of their cars are not available—one totaled in a field and one still missing. They’re all safe staying with the Red Cross, but all they have is a single change of clothes.

Help Bavarian Village Residents Rebuild - Bavarian Village, a townhouse neighborhood, was flooded with over 3.5 feet of water. All of the residents have had to pack up their remaining items and leave, but they have been offered no alternative places to live or reimbursements of rent or funds. Hundreds of people, including many elderly and young families, have been displaced and now need urgent help.

WNC Regional Livestock Center - The WNCRLC is working to help farmers and their animals recover from the hurricane. They are also sheltering displaced animals—entire herds of cows have been washed away and need rescuing. By donating, you help them provide feed and care for them!! They have partnered with Yvonne Coburn with Civilian Disaster Response. Her contact is 828-216-4496.

Help An App State Student Rebuild After Losing Everything - Mya lost her car, apartment, everything inside both of those, Macbook, and more during the flood. This GoFundMe was set up by her family so that they can help support her while she is homeless.

Homeward Bound of Western North Carolina - An organization that works to help homeless people, especially near Asheville. They are working on providing clothes and shelter to those who need it.

Mountain Projects - This organization has helped disaster recovery a lot in the past. They have not been able to be contacted yet because their town, Waynesville, has been hit by flooding.

United Way of Buncombe and Ashe County - This organization is going to help out with disaster relief.

Help Two App State Students Rebuild - This GoFundMe is run by a friend of August and Cory who was with them when their home flooded as Hurricane Helene hit. The three of them were trapped in the upstairs part of their home for six hours and were nearly denied rescue. Now, they need to rebuild the lives they’ve lost.

Operation Airdrop - An organization that has helped Helene survivors in Florida using volunteers with aircraft as well as ground volunteers to deliver lifesaving supplies. They’re headed north to help out in Appalachia.

Help an Ashe County Family Rebuild After Hurricane - A family in Hot Springs, Ashe county lost their mobile home and their jobs due to Hurricane Helene. This GoFundMe will help them afford to keep going while they rebuild.

stay safe everyone, please give me more resources to edit this post with. thank you guys

posting here because this just doesn’t feel right to talk about in the horseimagebarn voice but this is extremely important to talk about.

my partner and i have returned to our hometown to stay with her family and my own has gotten a hotel here too (they moved to the town we currently live in after we did) so we are all safe and out of the thick of it

however there are tens of thousands of people who are not both in my own town and in the many surrounding it. appalachia will take an extremely long time to recover from this and there are more storms on the way. all i see on social media right now is people asking for shelter because their homes have been destroyed, or people asking for help searching for family members who are missing. hundreds of trees have fallen. hundreds of homes have flooded. roads are literally falling apart. preexisting sinkholes due to shitty pipes are opening up and consuming land. dams are on the verge of bursting and the only way to stop it is to release water so quickly it floods whole towns. all but one of our cell towers are down, so only people with at&t have service and the rest can’t contact anyone. over half the town still doesn’t have power. a major water supply issue occurred and the entire town is on a water boil order with no electricity to boil with. people are trapped in their homes and workplaces or out on the street because they have nowhere to go. law enforcement is blocking off roads but trapping people in the process. people have to be rescued by helicopter. our animal shelter has no water or power and boarding facilities have been flooded. entire villages like chimney rock nc are gone, and entire cities like asheville are cut off from the rest of the state and are completely inaccessible. ALL OF THE ROADS IN WESTERN NORTH CAROLINA ARE CLOSED. 400+ roads are closed because they are unsafe . that is INSANE!!!

when people say that climate change isn’t real, they don’t know what they’re talking about. climate change and its father capitalism are only going to continue to worsen lives in every way possible. i live in the mountains and our infrastructure is completely unprepared to handle hurricanes and it’s only going to get worse. it’s such a strange and eye-opening experience to live something like this when you think that it could never happen to you because that type of weather shouldn’t reach you in your environment. climate change doesn’t care where you live. it’s real.

western north carolina and the rest of the southeast that has been hit by helene need help. more people need to be talking about this so that the government DOES SOMETHING because the government historically fucking hates appalachia and it still does!!! the major state institution near me took DAYS to respond despite being the only place in town with power and wifi connection because they had to wait for the state to approve their response—they could have allowed thousands of people to evacuate days prior to the hurricane hitting us but they didn’t do anything before or after until it was too late!!! it’s bullshit!!! PLEASE get talking about this because something has to be done. climate change is going to continue happening and our mountains and the people in them are going to suffer immensely. hundreds if not thousands are now homeless. please talk about this look at the footage online of the wreckage and look how quickly our infrastructure crumbled. we need better. the people of appalachia deserve better.

i’ll get back to posting horses soon. but for now this is a lot. my friends are homeless and my family had to get off the mountain or be trapped there without power and water for days. we’re all safe but exhausted. i hope everyone who has been affected by this is staying safe. if you are in western nc, dm me. when i come back, if you’re in my area, im happy to bring supplies. stay safe everyone

[toimaker]

My hands are freezing and I’m wondering if I’m cutting off her circulation as I grip her slender fingers. The pure feminine energy between us is intoxicating; suffocating.

“I cannot wait to see her walk down the aisle.” She’s murmuring, eyes falling on nothing in particular as if she is trying to visually consume the entirety of the breathtaking church. I smile just watching her love the architecture.

“I can’t wait to watch his ever-stoic expression melt when he sees her walk down the aisle.” She’s turning to smile at me in the Cheshire way only she does, but as I meet her gaze with an equally wicked grin, her focus softens past me, expression abruptly morphing into something I cannot name. Before I can be sure she was ever looking at me, my gaze settles on the back of her head, turned away as quickly as it came. Her legs are crossed now, postured away from me, and for a brief second I wonder if I’ve managed not to hear the wedding beginning.

“Hello.”

And I know him instantly; no need to turn to face him. I wonder if he can see the raised hackles that appear under his gravelly tone as it snakes across the back of my bare shoulders. I’m making one last gritted-teeth prayer that he is not speaking to me, knowing full well he is, as my hand leaves my friend to tuck golden auburn waves behind my ear and give me a convenient peak towards him behind my raised arm.

Christmas, he’s taller than me sitting down after all.

No hiding my face now.

The thought shuttles through my mind as I lay my arm at my side, goosefleshed shoulder brushing the sleeve of his jacket. I’m not cold, I realize. I am afraid.

I’m turning to face him now, against my will I think. No going back now. It’s been an age since he said something to me, hasn’t it?

“Hello.”

It tastes like children’s medicine coming out of my mouth: too sweet and carrying something meant to be hidden. Does he know me?

He smiles the way he does - charismatic and charming, his eyes crinkling at the edges as if he is this genuinely happy often. He smiles the way he does, and I know in an instant he does not yet see me. A different time, a different place, a different girl with different hair in a different body - I pray sitting next to a different man.

Oh, he’s been saying something.

“-came in a bit late.”

He’s looking at me, quizzically, as if he is waiting for an answer to a question. Realizing my epiphany that he has not recognized me has left my mouth open, I shut it quickly and try to think of something less idiotic than “what?” to respond with.

“Sorry, forgive me - how rude. I’m Luke, by the way.”

I’m grateful for the reprieve his added commentary and confirmation of his oblivion provides me to regain my composure and settle into the role I’ve practiced for a year now.

“Luke, a strong Christian name. Forgive me, I didn’t hear what you said before. Too much excitement for us ladies to focus on much else.”

He tips his head to one side, eyes unsubtly passing over me.

“You’re American.”

I mirror the tilt of his head, bangs falling over my forehead.

“Was that a question?”

He shakes his head, telling me he thought I’d have been Swiss for some reason. I’m laughing at this, left hand reaching up to let the ends of my hair run between my fingers.

“With this complexion? Please.”

His eyes catch on my ring, and by the time I realize my mistake, it’s too late. Suddenly, my hand is ensnared in his. A noise I am ashamed of escapes my lips at the surprise of the abrupt contact, and his eyes jerk up to meet mine.

“Sorry, I-“

He lets go of my hand gingerly, a sheepish look crossing his face.

“Your ring caught my eye. I swear I’ve seen one just like it somewhere.”

I clasp my hands in my lap, laughing nervously.

“Perhaps you have. It was a gift.”

He’s embarrassed. I’m unsure I’ve ever seen him wear such an emotion before. He hasn’t matched the ring to its owner yet, clearly. I was right - he isn’t as smooth in person. He’s scratching the back of his thinning hair, trying to think of something to say.

“So you’re a friend of the bride then?”

I smile, and I can feel the warmth creeping across my skin at the thought that I’m finally in this room for this moment.

“You could say that.”

He looks inquisitive for a moment, and then his expression settles into something that inexplicably makes me nervous.

“What I said to you, when I first sat down - I asked you if you were waiting on a date.”

I’m laughing, and it’s loud. I can’t help it. I know he’ll take it as self-deprecating humor, and I know he’ll play it off as though he wanted to know if the seat was open, but I can’t help but heartily laugh at the simple fact that he is clearly, conspicuously trying to ascertain my availability. I settle into that same wicked grin as my gaze wanders the room, noting the many open seats next to other men or otherwise engaged women. He chose this seat on purpose.

He's positively grinning now; evilly, almost.

I find the thought that is running through my mind surprising and unfortunate. Why am I wishing he would not know me?

Or is it that I wish I did not know him?

Perhaps I don't. Not anymore. He certainly does not know me anymore, does he? I find the thought filling in an unexpectedly warm way. Perhaps we are just two people who have never met; and I don't just mean physically.

"I'll take that as a melodious no."

He's grinning, and I'm internally rolling my eyes, but somehow I find myself smiling with all of my teeth regardless. I glance to his right, noting the rest of our pew is full. Skin cool against the ornate wood, I lean back comfortably and gesture the length of the row.

"I suppose the fact that you are seated next to a significantly older man means one of two things."

His carefree crinkled expression snaps to attention, quizzically searching the devious sidelong grin l've offered him. I tip my head innocently to one side.

"Either you have also shown up stag, or I have severely misjudged you."

The corners of my lips struggle not to break into a loud open-mouthed smile, and I wonder for a brief moment if he will take offense. He surprises me with a laugh that matches the volume of my own, and it appears that he doesn't seem to mind when others are turning to look at him.

"You've caught me."

I’m smiling a wide, unpurposeful smile in spite of myself. I almost find myself regretting it when I open my mouth next.

“A handsome man such as yourself? Here alone? Surely you would have no trouble finding a young lady. There must have been some egregious mistake.”

Any trace of mirth disappears in an instant as his gaze suddenly meets the backs of his own hands, almost nervously busying them as he pulls at his cuffs, tugging them free of the sleeves of his jacket. Suddenly, the word I’ve just said rings in my ears as one I used for the behavior of a man I once knew. The egregious acts of a man-

“Perhaps there has.”

He interrupts the memory and I’m cemented back in the moment. A girl in a bar, as it were. Sitting next to a guy. I wonder who could have tortured a man capable of inflicting so much. I choose ignorant kindness anyway.

“Oh love, who hurt you?”

I’m surprised by the softness of my own tone. Hearing aids and all, I could barely hear my own delicate question. His brows knit together as his head, still dipped forward, turns to meet my eyes in a probing, searching way that sends a shiver down my spine. He’s silent for a long moment as the eye contact continues, and it is eventually him who breaks what had begun to feel like a competition to look back down at the trouser legs he’s now smoothing anxiously.

“It was the other way round, I reckon.”

I can feel the flesh around my chest retreat to reveal tendon and bone as the air leaves my body. I can see the regret radiating off his hunched figure. It’s tangible; genuine. I, myself, do not recognize my own voice now.

“Tell me.”

And suddenly he is. He’s telling me. He looks at me quizzically again, searching for something. And then he’s telling me. It’s simple. It’s short. It’s sweet. And I think I really believe him.

“It was not the finding that was difficult. It was the keeping. And, I am afraid, the egregious mistake was mine. Two, actually, all at once. It was too late by the time I had realized that I was-“

The word “wrong” is what leaves his mouth, and I’m instantly afraid that my expression is speaking louder than my words when I unexpectedly offer, “sorry” to finish his sentence instead. He gives me a sidelong glance, still searching for something in my eyes. Judgement, I think. Repulsion. That’s what he’s looking for.

He doesn’t find it.

“Yes.”

That’s all he says, and it’s soft and pained and he’s looking at me like I’m the first person he’s ever said this to. I’m aware now that I had not realized how desperately I had longed to hear him say those words. My vision begins to blur, and for a split second I think the excitement of the day has been too much, until I realize it’s tears.

“It’s quite a thing, to be more honest with a stranger than I have been with myself.”

“I am not a stranger.”

The words leave my mouth before I’ve thought better of them. Somehow, he takes it as a sympathetic offering of my humanity, and returns the kindness with a weak smile before returning his gaze to his lap. But the wedding is beginning, and I turn my attention to two of my favorite people in the world and towards a different fever dream than the one I’ve been in for the last ten minutes.

—————

There is a marked metallic click every few seconds, and the ceremony is drawing to a close. It takes me a few minutes of fussing with my hearing aid before I realize it isn’t coming from me. I catch his fingernails nervously snapping his cuff links. Once, twice, again before my hand instinctually closes around his. I’m wide-eyed staring at my own hand dwarfed by his until I see him softly smile gratuitously out of the corner of my eye.

Oh.

We’re standing now. Clapping. Watching two of the people I love most in the world walk out of this church as one. Everyone is clapping.

Everyone but us; one hand each engaged by the other.

Our row is dismissed and the pew empties, and I’m following behind my good friend until I’m tethered by my encapsulated fingers and cemented on the spot and suddenly afraid again. She’s turning back to glance at me, and I softly offer her a glance she reads in an instant.

I’ll catch up. Just go.

I softly sit back down, realizing I’d have forgotten my purse if he wasn’t still absentmindedly running his thumb over my fingers. We’re both silent for a time, and I can tell he’s lost somewhere far from here.

“I forgive you.”

I can hear my friend suck a breath of air in through her teeth halfway down the aisle of the nearly-empty church as she hears me say it.

It’s out of my mouth before I realize it has crossed my mind. Visceral, true, real. That’s brought him back, hasn’t it? He’s straightening up now, curious, concerned. His eyes are locked on mine. And with a deep sense of error and illness in the pit of my stomach, his eyes track a single tear down my heated face and I watch him pass between the ring, the hearing aids that subtly flash in the corner of his vision as I turn my broken gaze away from his, and I can feel the buzz in the air as my identity finally clicks.

“Julia?”

I don’t move. I don’t breathe. I don’t even blink back the rest of the tears that threaten to spill into reality. But he does not let go of my hand. His grip tightens, almost painfully as I feel the structure of the bones in my palm flex under his fingers.

“Please.”

I’ve practically hissed it, my hand tensing under his. He looks as if I’ve struck him. But he still does not release my hand; only relaxes his grip enough that my fingertips return to a fleshly color. There is a heavy silence in the room, and I can tell the door has not shut again to allow Anna an escape. She’s here. Waiting. Listening.

The room is empty but so, so full.

“You forgive me?”

I’m instantly covered in a thin layer of gooseflesh. The musculature of my legs invisibly poised to run, hidden by a river of skirt. The tendons in my arm noticeably flex to prepare to rip from his hand, and he notices.

He lets go.

His hand runs through his hair, pausing to grip firmly enough that it seems it ought to hurt. His eyes squeeze shut.

“You smell like roses.”

My mouth is open, and this time I don’t make an effort to close it or think of a more intelligent response.

“What?”

He laughs, and it’s high-pitched and incredulous at first, until it settles into something deeper that ends in a sigh.

“You told me once you always smelled like that. You really do.”

My mouth still hangs open, jaw twitching in a vain attempt to think of something, anything to say in such an absolutely absurd moment.

“I never thought you would forgive me.”

It’s barely more than a whisper, and it takes me a full minute of stunned silence to realize that he isn’t angry.

He’s amazed.

Relieved.

In an immense way that has changed his entire posture. He’s sitting back now, spine rounded forward with his hands upturned incredulously and resting in a defeated way on his akimbo limbs.

“I knew Anna wouldn’t fixate. I knew she would be alright. I heard she was engaged, and I thought someday I’d be able to reconcile; that she would forgive me. But you… what I said about-“

“I know.”

My voice breaks and I’m cursing myself as I look towards the stained glass, remembering the words he’d said that confirmed everything I’d ever been afraid of. I was never angry, I realize. It just broke my heart.

“No, Julia, I-“

“I know.”

I say it again, whipping around to face him so sharply the ends of my tear-dampened hair sting my bare shoulders. It’s his turn to look afraid.

“What I said-“

“I forgive you.”

It takes a full minute of stunned silence for the both of us to realize he is incredulous, and I am slowly realizing I believe what I’m saying.

“Look at you.”

His gaze unabashedly passes over me again. A sound leaves his open mouth as his hand gestures towards the body I still struggle to believe I’m now living in. I close my eyes, and he closes his mouth. He sighs, and looks at the ceiling.

“I thought…”

“God is good.”

It’s all I can think to say, and it comes out hushed and choked by how eviscerated I am at the thought that this has tortured him as much as I had once wished it would.

“All the time.”

It’s reflexive; leaves his mouth before he’s realized he’s saying it. But he smiles retroactively; peacefully. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen such a genuine, pretty emotion before.

He turns to look at me again. It’s long, and I cannot read the expression on his face. He looks tired; older. Evidential grief and trial are etched into the finer wrinkles of the complexion that I could never appreciate through the mirage of a camera lens.

“You were a god to me once.”

It’s my turn to twist my hands into my lap, fingers lost in the pickups of a dress I worked for months to fit into for his benefit.

“I am allayed to find you naught but a man.”

I risk a glance at him, and I can see that the subtext and doublespeak of what I’ve said is not lost on a fellow poet.

He drops his head back and rubs the back of his neck, his eyes closed as a soft smile settles across his tired features.

“Go in peace.”

Somehow it comes from me without a thought, and he looks truly exhausted as he meets my eyes and softly lingers there. I offer him the smallest of smiles - one that reaches my eyes and my heart in relation to him for the first time in a year and a half - as I move to stand. I hear the door gently close, and I know Anna believes me to have the situation well enough in hand that she can avoid her own charged moment with him. He stands as well, and the knowledge that we are soon to part is tangible.

I tip my head to one side and feel my hair fall across my forehead as I realize - blessedly, peacefully, after all this time and sleepless nights imagining all I would do - that there is nothing more to say.

He smiles the way he does - charismatic and charming, his eyes crinkling at the edges as if he is this genuinely happy often. He smiles the way he does, and I know in an instant he sees me. A small nod, and I am turning to leave him - physically, and oh-so-metaphorically. A different time, a different place, a different girl with different hair in a different body - and it turns out, standing in front of a different man after all.

the wistful wedding

tm

[addictedtojmanga]

Shoujo manga recommendations - otome game isekai

So, after 10+ years reading shoujo manga, I’ve read over 1k titles, admittedly, a reasonable amount is one-shot (or at least a collection of), but nonetheless, over time I had to expand my interests.

Lately, I’ve started reading the otome game isekai genre, and decided it’d be nice to share the ones I thought were best.

Most of them are pretty much the same, but the best ones usually have a twist, so...

! Warning: You’ll most likely want to beat up 1 or 2 characters from each one, but worry not, so do I and the other characters

1. Fiancée's Observation Log of the Self-proclaimed Villainess

Crown prince Cecil was so brilliant that everything in life was easy to the point of boring him, then one day, his fiancée Bertia suddenly said "Prince Cecil, I am a villainess!" Claiming that this world is the same as that of an "otome game" from her past life and that she is playing the role of the "villainess" in it, she aims to play her part well and have their engagement annulled. With that goal in mind, she sets about causing turmoil in Cecil's daily life.

This one definitely takes the gold for me. Super sweet and pretty funny.

2. My Next Life as a Villainess: All Routes Lead to Doom!

Most people would prefer being the protagonist of a world full of adventure, be it in a game or in another world. But, unfortunately, a certain girl is not so lucky. Regaining the memories of her past life, she realizes that she was reborn in the world of Fortune Lover—one of the games she used to play. Unfortunately, the character she was reincarnated into—Katarina Claes—is the game's main antagonist, who faces utter doom in every ending. Using her extensive knowledge of the game, she takes it upon herself to escape from the chains of this accursed destiny. However, this will not be an easy feat, especially since she needs to be cautious as to not set off death flags that may speed up the impending doom she is trying to avoid. Even so, to make a change that will affect the lives of everyone around her, she strives—not as the heroine—but as the villainess.

This one takes 2nd place! It has a different result than others, and the FL is great - everyone is, to be fair.

3. Of Course I’ll Claim Palimony

"I'll annul our engagement!" My fiancé suddenly declared?! Apparently he's in love with the recently transferred count's daughter and is planning on making me the villain in order to annul the engagement. Although I have no lingering attachments about the engagement, I do have to claim a hefty consolation fee don't I?

This is sooo good. The FL is spectacular and manages to stand out - even if just a bit - from the rest of the genre.

4. I’m a Villainous Daughter, so I’m going to keep the Last Boss

Avoid the BAD END! That's the goal of the villainess in this plot-twisting story!! She has been reborn into the world of an otome game as the villainess, Irene. Using her memories of her former life, she recognizes flags indicating she's en-route to the bad end, so she makes a plan to conquer the last boss (the evil king Claude), make him her lover, and see if she can open up a new route!

Pretty funny, and the FL is bold. Also, the ML is a bishounen.

It’s one of the few mangas from this genre that has been completely translated, and since it only has 13 chapters, it’s a good way to start out.

5. The Plain & Unnoticeable Me is No More

Elaine Lana Norris, who was born at the top of the aristocratic daughter, was declared abandoned by her second fiancé at the school's founding party. Lana, who has been made a villain daughter, is driven out of her home by a strict grandfather. But there is a secret in Lana that everyone doesn't know about?

I don’t want to give out any spoilers, however, it suffices to say that she accepts her role as the villainess.

Ok, I think these 5 are my favorite, but the ones below have been selected as well, so they’re still pretty good and worth reading.

6. The Villiainess Is Adored by the Crown Prince of the Neighboring Kingdom    

Tiararose was supposed to be disengaged and exiled from the country. “This was the Otome game I had played!” She realized on the day before the story’s ending??……. Shall I wait for the judgment? But, I did not do anything too cruel……. Thinking so, the ending continues. But, during the judgement??something that was not possible in the game happened. The neighboring crown prince courted the villainous daughter Tiararose.

ML: 10/10 FL: 8/10 (too insecure for my taste)

7. Endo and Kobayashi’s Live Commentary on the Villainess

She’s always putting on that grumpy face even though she’s not actually that upset! Oh, why can’t she just be honest with herself…!??? She is a tsundere, after all? When her embarrassment levels exceed a certain limit, she will explode into anger. However, the point that she’s suppressing under the surface is that she wouldn’t mind that sort of thing if it were in a less public place.? As Endo-kun passionately reacts to the antics of Lady Liselotte, the villainess of an otome game, Kobayashi-san provides a painstaking breakdown of her tsundere behaviour. Suddenly, one person could hear their voices; Liselotte’s fiancée, Prince Siegward. That is where this story begins.

8. I’m the Villainess, but the Capture Targets are too Abnormal  

The villainess, Mystia, remembered her past life on her 10th birthday and has unwittingly turned the characters in the otome game "Kyun Kyun Love School" into yanderes! In order to avoid becoming the love rival of the "heroine" who will lead her to her downfall, she starts making every effort to break off her engagement with her "prince-like classmate"! That’s was what supposed to happen...But, because of her kind personality, her favorability increased instead!

It’s still in its beginning stages, but seems pretty solid.    

9. Though I May Be a Villainess, I'll Show You I Can Obtain Happiness!  

A collection of one shots.

Great way to start out, it has quite a few options, so if you don’t like one, give another one a try!

10.  The Villainess, Cecilia Silvie, Doesn't Want to Die, So She Decided to Cross-dress!      

I was reincarnated into the body Cecilia Silvie, the villainess of an otome game. According to the plot, what awaits me in the normal route is either a slow, painful death or an instantaneous one... Essentially, every route leads to my demise. Then I'll change my fate! And that's why I decided to become a man. However, I made a mistake during a certain event, and the story began to head down an unexpected path...?

I haven’t seen any other like this, and if you like gender bender, this one’s for you!

11.  I’ll Become a Villainess That Will Go Down in History ― The More of a Villainess I Become, the More the Prince will Dote on Me

Alicia is the eldest daughter of the noble Williams family—a bloodline that excels in dark magic. Her jet-black hair and golden eyes command a powerful presence, but her most unique features are, without a doubt, her sharp tongue and malevolent nature. By all means, she is a villainess, but also a fictional character from an otome game!

12. I’m Not a Villainess!! Just Because I Can Control Darkness Doesn’t Mean I’m a Bad Person!

The novel The Saint Beloved by the Prince is set in the land of Lacia, where spirits control the elements, each of which is overseen by a "Spirit King." On rare occasions, these Spirit Kings may bless a single human, granting them immense magical control over their respective element. The heroine, Amelia Logan, and the villainess, Claudia Leitzya, are two sides of the same coin, blessed by the Light and Dark Spirit Kings respectively. However, while Amelia is beloved, Claudia is hated and rejected due to her dark skin, ebony locks, and aptitude for dark magic. After dying in modern-day Japan, Sakura is reborn as an infant Claudia. While difficult at first, Claudia tries to adjust to this new life, all the while accompanied by the Dark Spirit King Gerald. But even this task is far from easy; people fear her at first glance, no matter how she acts toward them. Still, Claudia is set on changing her fate from the novel, proving she is a good person and breaking free from the shackles of a "villainess."

13. Rebirth of the Villainess: The Life of Letizia after the Engagement Annulment      

For some reason, the duke's daughter, Letizia, was plotting to break her engagement with the prince. Her plan succeeded and the prince, none the wiser. But shortly after the engagement was terminated... The King collapsed! In that moment, she recalled her memories of her past life as a nurse and she fully utilised her knowledge & experience as a nurse, to save the King's life. Thinking she had achieved what she wanted, she thought she could finally relax, drinking her favourite beverage and leisurely spend her time, she instead somehow keeps getting involved in incident after incident. The slow and peaceful life is now nothing but a dream!? Lazy daughter, busy seeking freedom and laziness!

14. I Won't Become a Villainess. I'm Just a "Normal" Duke's Daughter!

A Japanese person reincarnated into an otome game chock full of death flags for the villainess, Rosalind. "I'm going to live an enjoyable life in this world!" Making full use of the game knowledge to avoid death flags, for some reason events keep happening one after another?! Contracting with spirits, helping her father (the prime minister) with his work using her modern day knowledge, taking a walk with the holy beast... and on top of all that, even starting up the heroine's event...? Will Rosalind be able to smash through every unknown death flag that comes her way...?! And will she be able to be fluffy lovey-dovey with the supporting beastkin character she liked from her previous life?!

Cute. Has beasts.

15. Milady Just Wants to Relax      

She worked herself to death in her past life, but then she was reborn in another world as the villainess Ronia! As expected, her engagement is broken and she's expelled from society, but now she takes that chance to live peacefully, and even opens a cafe with the help of her fairy comrades, which is becoming unexpectedly popular with beast-kin...?

Also cute. Also has beasts.

16. I Swear I Won’t Bother You Again!            

Violette, a proud and beautiful daughter of a duke, commits a crime out of jealousy towards her half-sister. Convicted, Violet faces her own heart with sincerity in a prison cell and regrets her sin. Then time rewinds to a turning point—to her first meeting with Maryjun one year ago. Violette makes a decision. She will not make mistakes this time. Without committing a crime and bothering anyone, she will live an ordinary, plain and inconspicuous life...! However, incidents contrary to Violette's expectations occur one after another...?!

17. I Became a Villain Daughter

On her 15th birthday, Hinase Kaede, a young girl who was working as a part-timer, perished in a traffic accident. Upon her death, a self-proclaimed “God” appeared, declaring that Kaede would be brought back to life. However, Kaede’s happiness was short-lived and her soul was thrown into Erika, the villainess of an otome game! In the original game, Erika became a saint candidate alongside the heroine, committed evil deeds over the course of the candidacy, and ultimately faced condemnation. Thus, Kaede decides that she will not get close to the main characters of the game so as to avoid the bad end, but yet——?

[colorisbyshe]

(1/2) I know you said no discourse, but this is something that I feel hasn’t been discussed at all, so it might provide a new perspective? I am a late, late bloomer, meaning that I am almost 30 and I’ve never gone beyond 2nd base lol and I wish I had a dollar for every single freak that tried to force the asexual label on me.

(2/2) I haven’t explored my sexuality (my gay, GAY sexuality) like I want to because of debilitating trauma and mental illness, not because I don’t have a libido. Yet these idiots are constantly on the prowl to convert people like they’re Jehova’s Witnesses. It pisses me off. Ace discourse ruined useful discussions about sexuality.

Okay, I’m gonna be annoying for a second and make this about the anime I just watched.

Samurai Flamenco has a gay lead and a bisexual loe interest. Spoilers for a 5+ year old anime but it ends in a gay proposal but they never kiss or have sex and they are both explicitly virgins despite being 20 and 24 years old. The tag for this show is full of ace and aro headcanons for them. Because these men aren’t openly sexual and they need time to figure their own feelings out, they must be ace or demiromantic.

The main character is 20 and is just learning what love but that’s because he’s demiromantic, not because... he’s a kid? And kids take a while to learn what love is.

And this has happened with almost every canon LGBT character I have ever seen. There is an article, still up to this day, calling Chiron from Moonlight asexual and saying reception to this film GAYWASHED him. Not even a tumblr post but an actual published article, with a professional editors note as an apology for using the term gaywashing.

I’m bringing these things up because I think headcanons and commentary on gay characters is a fairly decent scope to view people’s real views of LGBT people. And the real view is: LGBT people are sex obsessed and promiscuous as default (even LGBT children and teens) and to deviate from that requires a modifying term. It needs to be clarified through the lens of asexuality or aromanticism.

While it is pretty common knowledge that lots of LGBT people are late bloomers—you spend more time figuring yourself out, there’s often more trauma or internalized stuff to work through, and it’s just... harder for find a partner if you’re the only gay person you know—there is an excess of “If you are older then your mid teens and still a virgin or haven’t dated yet, you must be ace/aro.”

Because LGBT people are horny to them and there’s no reason good enough for LGBT people to NOT be horny unless there’s a mitigating factor like asexuality. It’s almost like they want LGBT people to be ace or aro because it purifies our desire and makes us palatable. We are more relatable if we are sexless and loveless.

Instead of having robust and diverse personal journeys with sex and love, that often mean going sexless and loveless for long stretches of time (as many humans do!), we are given the options of “sex crazed and other” and “ace and just like me.”

I really do think eagerness to label people ace and aro often is just incompatible with open LGBT and even feminist discussions of sex, love, self love, trauma, and other complicated factors. The hostility towards sexual disorders (which do exist and aren’t aphobic), the immediate need to suggest internalized homophobia is asexuality, the fact that they’ll pay lip service to “Yeah, we’re okay with labels being fluid, lots of ace-labeled people might realize they aren’t ace” and then get mad at the suggestion that some people aren’t ace, they’re just on anti depressants... they’ve flattened how human sexuality works in a way that makes productive conversation impossible and it’s just downhill from there for LGBT people.

I’ll say again: I have no issue with asexuality and aromanticism as labels in theory or even offering them up to people struggling but in practice there are so many bad actors or just poor understandings of how sexuality works, especially when other factors are included, that I just side eye the entire affair. They can’t even handle LGBT people + sexuality, let alone how complicated things get when you include race, gender, class, and other identities into how you view and approach sex and attraction.

I just don’t trust like that at this point. We are better off reiterating, “It’s okay to never want sex or romance and to have those boundaries respected but it’s also okay to analyze why you don’t want those things. It’s okay for your attitude to change, too.” That trumps every piece of rhetoric aces have ever propagated.

[doritoplayz-xi]

Sup. I uhhh… *SMOKE BOMB*

18:

“Could you pop on my stream?” Laynes text message flies into moss’s peripheral as he works.

The prince, despite his popularity, has a failure of a streaming career. You can’t expect that kind of popularity to transfer over.

“Fine.” Moss replies. They shove aside the stack of books and open their laptop.

Moss pings to join the voice call. Layne is playing a newer game on the market, so all they can really do is sit back and provide commentary.

It’s boring. Layne sucks at the game and he’s even worse at engaging. Moss has an eye on the stream and they’re pretty sure all the other viewers are from family or tabloids.

But they stick with Layne until he gives up.

—

Day 19:

“My memories are stored in the spot wheee my brain should be. Kinda like a video file of all my experiences.” Moss explains to the camera. They reach under the desk and pull out a large box.

“But storing them all in there’s a shit plan. So I make back ups when charging. Kinda like what a normal brain would do asleep!”

“I’ve got good ones, bad ones. All here.” Moss thumbs through the box, the units clacking together.

They pause and stare.

“This one’s unlabeled…” moss mutters to himself. “Well only one way to find out.”

The camera watches as moss slots the cartridge into the back of his head.

—

Moss wakes up. They start to walk downstairs, one sneakered foot in front of the other. Yelling can be heard in the distance.

Moss turns the corner and peeks out at the living room. They’re quite short, only coming up to the entryway table.

“-All I do for you! I keep that mistake alive!”

“Don’t you start! They wouldn’t be alive with out me, and if you hadn’t been so careless!”

“Well I’m sorry then! Sorry for giving you that damn kid you are sooo burdened with!”

“You take that back! Moss is a gift that you squander!”

Moss looks away from the living room and towards the front door. Little steps are taken until they’re staring up at the door.

A crash can be heard behind them and moss darts out the front door.

The street is quiet infront of moss. None of his neighbors are out. The robot kid takes tiny steps forward, hesitantly looking back at the two story house.

“I’ve got this. It’s- they just need to calm down.” Moss speaks out loud. His voice is more robotic and broken, like a busted text to speech.

Moss continues carefully exploring the street. They walk a familiar path to the near by park, feet trudging along the side roads.

The park is mostly empty, and it’s quite cloudy. Moss can see two people playing there.

A glowing lady and a brunette.

It feels wrong. Something is not right there and moss feels the need to turn around and run away.

As moss backs away they bump into someone.

Looking up he sees a man with green eyes everywhere.

“Hey kiddo.”

The man waves, his hand undefined.

“Where are your parents?”

Moss freezes up. “They’re coming.” He manages to squeak out.

The man’s face contorts into a smile, eyes joining as scleras shaping into teeth.

“Well, I can’t wait to meet them.”

Moss stares at the man. He starts to back away again slowly.

The man’s hand darts out to grab them, before a purple haze surrounds moss. The man retracts his hand with a his.

“You’re one of her brats.”

He glares before vanishing.

The next moments are a blur. Moss runs home as fast as his legs will go, not caring what waits at home.

-

Moss ejects the memory early. “… I need a pallet cleanser.” He mumbles.

Oc-tober prompt thing that I’m gonna be doing. +link to the TikTok w/ more stuff

More options here

[valdomarx]

Entry, Descent and Landing

Stargate Atlantis, McKay/Sheppard, time loop, 6k, rated M

Also on AO3

-

“The gate’s not working,” Rodney huffs, entering the mess with a scowl on his face. He's clearly personally offended by this turn of events.

“Eh, I’m sure you’ll fix it.” John currently has more pressing issues to consider, like whether he can reasonably have fruit loops for lunch or whether he should eat some vegetables like an adult.

He picks up the fruit loops.

“I’m serious!” Rodney is all fidgety, talking and waving his hands instead of eating, and that’s never a good sign. “There’s something very wrong with it, and I have no idea why.”

John raises an eyebrow. It’s not often that McKay admits there’s something he doesn’t understand. And without the gate, they are vulnerable.

Regretfully, he puts the fruit loops back. “Alright. Why don’t you show me what the problem is?”

-

The gate will accept an address, and it spins and dials as normal. But when it should open a wormhole with a whoosh and a ripple of blue light, it simply stops dead. The lights fade out and it shuts itself off.

Huh.

“It’s been like this since we tried to dial New Athos for a check in.” A frown creases Rodney’s forehead. “Hand me that scanner, will you?”

-

They spend the day poking and prodding at the gate and the control consoles - or, more accurately, Rodney pokes and John swings his legs off the side of the console and provides unhelpful but, he thinks, amusing commentary - but there’s nothing to indicate a problem. No fried circuits, no missing components, none of the usual error warnings which appear when the gate runs into a problem. It just… doesn’t work.

They work through the afternoon, and by the time eight p.m. rolls around John is ready to call it a night and start again tomorrow. But before he can suggest they get some dinner, the gate whirs to life and begins to dial.

“Did you do that?” he asks Rodney, but he already knows the answer is no by the look of confusion on Rodney’s face.

The gate spins as if to dial but it doesn’t connect. It merely sits there, illuminated but inactive, and then -

-

John wakes up in his quarters.

That’s weird. He’s disoriented, and woozy, and he feels a headache creeping at the back of his skull.

He shakes it off. He probably just needs some food. He heads to the mess and is sitting down to eat when -

“The gate’s not working,” Rodney huffs.

John squints at him. “Again?”

“What do you mean, again?” Rodney waves him aside impatiently. “There’s something very wrong with it, and I have no idea why.”

A cold chill settles at the bottom of John’s stomach. “I know, Rodney. We had this conversation yesterday.”

“What are you talking about? Of course we didn’t. The gate only stopped working today.”

-

Rodney insists that he has no memory of the gate breaking, and neither does anyone else they talk to. It's like the previous day has simply disappeared.

The more he insists that he remembers it, the more Rodney turns from dismissive to concerned, until he marches him down to see Carson and okay, that's not the worst idea under the circumstances.

Carson checks him over, determines he's physically fine, and tells him it's probably just déjà vu. But that can't be right. It was so real.

Rodney keeps shooting him these worried looks, and that's definitely not helping. So he brushes it off and suggests they get back to fixing the gate. It is, after all, still broken.

They spend another few hours on that, opening up the consoles in the gate room and looking for any faulty hardware. Soon enough it's dinner time, and he's going to suggest heading to the mess when the gate spins up again, and oh shit -

-

He wakes up in his quarters. He frantically scrambles for his watch and sees that it reads two p.m.

This is definitely not déjà vu.

He heads straight to the gate room. The gate techs are antsy.

"Sheppard, you're here, good." Rodney enters, a tablet tucked under one arm. “We've got a problem. The gate’s not working."

-

They try to fix the gate again, with no more success than the last two attempts. John keeps checking his watch.

Maybe it's different now. Maybe he's changed enough to stop the day repeating.

At exactly right p.m., his sunny, perhaps delusional, optimism is shattered.

The gate starts dialing.

-

He wakes up in his quarters.

He sends Rodney off to consult with Zelenka and takes matters into his own hands.

He tries everything he can think of to dial the gate - dialing different addresses, dialing it at different times, even removing and replacing the control crystal in his famed “turn it off and turn it on again” approach to computer repair - but nothing works.

He tries taking a puddle jumper and flying out to the mainland, and into space, and as far around the planet as he can get. No matter how far he travels, at exactly eight p.m. he resets and wakes up back in his quarters.

Six hours is simply not enough time to solve whatever the hell is going on here

He tries explaining his situation to Elizabeth, to Teyla and Ronon, to Lorne, to Carson. Even when people are willing to entertain the notion of a time loop, no one knows how to address the problem, let alone suggest a solution. At best, they seem to be humoring him. At worst, they seem to think it’s his apparently inevitable slide into paranoia.

After trying everyone on the base he has even a passing relationship with, he gives up telling anyone. They can’t help him.

-

He overrides the city’s power usage limits and tries to dial up Earth. The gate still won’t dial, and he overloads the ZPM, and the entire city is plunged into darkness.

-

He wakes up in his quarters.

He used to love it here, his own little corner of the strange place that is his home. Now it feels like a prison.

-

He tries to make contact with the Athosians, or with the Manarians, or even with the Genii. But without the gate, his radio transmissions will take years to reach them. He sits by the radio anyway, listening to the crackling static and waiting for a reply he knows will never come.

-

Maybe he's trapped in a virtual reality, or his mind is being probed by aliens. It wouldn't be the first time.

Maybe none of this is real.

-

He stands on one of the city’s most distant piers, staring out into the ocean. It’s quiet here, now he’s turned off his radio and tweaked the lifesigns detector so it can’t track him. He watches the waves, the same today as they were yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. He considers his options.

-

He puts a gun to his temple and counts down from five.

He wakes up in his quarters.

-

He bangs on the lab door and tries one more time to convince Rodney to help him.

“A time loop is not impossible,” he grits out. “It happened at the SGC.” He knows Rodney has read the file.

“That’s because there was an Ancient artifact involved.” Rodney sounds haughty. “Have you touched any strange Ancient artifacts recently, Colonel?”

John breathes between clenched teeth and shakes his head.

“So. Time just spontaneously started resetting itself, did it?”

“How should I know? All I know is that I have woken up in my quarters a hundred times by now, and every day at eight p.m. the loop resets itself.”

“Why are you the only one this is happening to?”

“I don’t know!” he yells. “I have no idea what terrible sin I’m being punished for here! I’ve made my share of mistakes in my life, but nothing that deserves this.”

Rodney stops moving and looks at him -- really looks.

“Jesus, Sheppard.” Rodney’s brow creases. “You’re not okay, are you?”

John slumps. He can’t summon the energy to deny it. “Not even remotely.”

For some reason, this seems to be what pushes Rodney into taking him seriously. He nods, once, sharply. “What can I do to help?”

He looks at his watch. It’s ten minutes to eight.

“Tell me a secret,” he says.

Rodney gives him a disdainful look. “What is this, a tween girls’ slumber party?”

He grits his teeth. “I spent the entire day trying to convince you what’s happening to me is real. I don’t have time to do that every loop. I need you to tell me something no one else knows, so next time I can convince you I’m not crazy or playing around and we can fix this.”

He sees Rodney’s mind working. He can tell he knows John is right and he’s considering options of what to tell him: details about his childhood, his research, his time here on Atlantis, and discarding each one. For all his faults, Rodney does not dissemble. His life is an open book, and for this to work John needs to know something truly private.

“Alright,” Rodney says eventually. He tilts his chin up and straightens his shoulders like he’s bracing himself for incoming fire. “When I was fifteen, there was a boy at school a couple of years older than me. His name was Mikey Haynes.”

-

“Have you touched any strange Ancient artifacts recently, Colonel?” Rodney asks with the same look of superiority he always has. “Because that’s the only way-”

“McKay,” he interrupts.

“- and why would you be the only one affected, that doesn’t make sense-”

“Rodney!”

Rodney stops. Something in the tone of his voice has broken through.

“I know about Mikey Haynes,” he says.

Rodney goes very pale and John can feel the anxiety radiating off him in waves.

“How do you know that name?” his voice is barely above a whisper.

“Because you told me, Rodney. In the last loop.”

For a few seconds Rodney stares at him, eyes wild and arms wrapped protectively around his chest. Eventually he gives one, sharp nod.

“Alright. You’re stuck in a time loop. What are we going to do about it?”

-

He has that conversation with Rodney every single loop. It is, without exception, the worst part of each one. Even feeling himself die wasn’t this awful.

-

He and Rodney have run every test they can think of. He’s been subjected to medical tests and genetic tests, they’ve scanned him for nanites and viruses and alien mind control, and they’ve turned up nothing. He is, by all accounts, completely healthy -- other than the fact he’s reliving the same six hours over and over and over and over.

“Maybe the problem isn’t with me,” he says. He chews over the idea and it seems plausible. “Maybe the problem is with the city.”

“What?”

“What if I’m not the one being looped through time? What if you are, and I’m the only one who’s aware of it?”

“So you’re sane and everyone else is crazy?”

“Yes.” He folds his arms over his chest. “Maybe my ATA gene gives me some protection against the effect, I don’t know.”

“Your magic genetics strike again.”

He ignores the griping. “If I’m right, the problem is even worse than I thought. The whole city, even the whole planet could be stuck in the loop. What’s happening to our allies while we’re stuck? How far have the Wraith advanced across this galaxy without us to keep them in check.”

Rodney swallows, the gravity of the situation finally hitting him.

“There must be a clue in the city sensors,” he says, pushing bits of drone aside to access the whiteboard in his lab. “If the reset is at the same time, there might be a preceding energy burst we can detect.”

“What good will that do?” John is too tired to think straight. “I know when the loop is going to reset.”

“Because if we know what type of energy it is, we can understand what’s causing it.”

John throws up his hands. Sure, why not. It's not like he's in a hurry or anything.

Rodney pokes through the sensor data, making little hmm noises which he finds unreasonably aggravating.

“See!” Rodney has his smuggest expression on, the one that simultaneously says I told you so and I know you find me charming. “Here, just before the gate failed to connect, there’s a small anomaly in the readings. It looks like… Interesting. It looks like ionizing radiation.”

“What does that mean?”

Rodney’s brow creases. “I’m not sure. There’s a spike of gamma and X-rays as the gate tries to connect. But I have no idea what the source is.”

John barely has time to let out a frustrated breath before the loop resets.

-

He hurries back to Rodney’s lab and points him to the sensor data.

“Interesting,” Rodney says again. “It looks like ionizing radiation.”

John exhales. “Yeah. You said that last time.”

-

He doesn’t need to eat, or sleep. His body resets with every loop. And yet, his mind has frayed. He hasn’t rested in so long, his thoughts are a jumbled mess.

He takes a loop off. He goes to the gym and spars with Ronon. His muscles are fresh but his strategy is a disaster; Ronon unsurprisingly wipes the floor with him. All the same, it feels good to stretch and move; to worry about avoiding a flying elbow instead of his sorry fate for a while.

Then he has dinner with Teyla. He doesn’t know how many loops it’s been since he ate, and even though he doesn’t need the sustenance he realizes he has been missing the sensory experience of it, and the camaraderie of a shared meal.

He tells Teyla about the time loop, casually, like it’s not a big deal, and she doesn’t seem convinced he’s telling the truth but she doesn’t dismiss the possibility out of hand either, and he loves her for that.

“If that were the case,” her head tilts to one side, thoughtful, “it would be a kind of opportunity, would it not?”

He squints. Nothing about this feels opportune.

“If time were to always reset itself, you could do anything you wish, without having to consider the consequences.” She shrugs. “Many have wished for such a chance.”

Huh. He never thought about it that way before.

-

Next loop, he steals a jumper and takes it for a joyride, zipping away from Atlantis and out into the solar system.

He pulls a reckless slingshot maneuver around the third planet out and is sent hurtling toward the star at the heart of the system, traveling so fast the jumper shakes and rattles even with the inertial dampeners. Elizabeth screams at him over the comms and he flips them off.

He approaches the sun at breakneck speed and the temperature in the cabin begins to rise. He swoops low into the sun’s corona, arcs of plasma leaping up around him, even more wild and ferocious than he expected. The sensors scream out warnings about hull temperature and radiation levels and he ignores them, absorbed in the way the jumper dives and banks.

He plunges closer, seeing the star’s surface bubble and erupt, then pulls up in a wild loop and swings down closer still: through the corona and into the chromosphere, the space around him transformed into wild hues of pink, shot through with filaments of white hot gas which snap and twist around him.

In the moment before the jumper is destroyed, as alarms blare and the air rushes out through cracks in the hull, his vision is filled with the surface of the sun. It is entrancing, covered in cells of red and orange and yellow, molten and changing and blindingly, blindingly bright.

-

He records a message for his father and uploads it to the queue to be sent back to Earth. “Dad,” he begins. “I want you to tell you something, something I’ve been meaning to say for a long time. From the very bottom of my heart: Go fuck yourself.”

He knows it’ll be heard by the gate techs, if not the entire expedition. That somehow makes it even more satisfying.

-

He finds Cadman.

“You’re an explosives expert, right?”

“Technically it’s high temperature and energetic materials technology,” she grins, “but close enough.”

“Awesome. Where do you keep the good stuff?”

She raises an eyebrow.

“You know. The really fun explosives they don’t let the field teams use.”

“Oh, that good stuff. Right this way.”

They spend an afternoon testing the structural integrity of the city’s farthest piers (not as good as you might think), seeing what happens when you strap C4 to a naquadah generator (an extremely large explosion), and enjoying the simple pleasures of tossing prototype grenades into the ocean (the water sprays rainbows across the sky as it is thrown miles into the air, and it falls on them like rain as they laugh).

Cadman barely needs any convincing.

-

He tells Lorne that he’s gay. Lorne doesn’t miss a beat.

“Yes, sir,” he says, entirely unperturbed. “I figured.”

-

He leaves a message for Nancy.

He tells her he’s sorry, that he knows he was a bad husband, that it wasn’t fair the way he treated her. He tells her that she deserved better, that he wishes her well, that he hopes she’s happy, and he means it.

He feels lighter the moment he's finished. He wonders why he never did this before the loop.

-

He’s struck by a genius idea, and he busts open a few locks and drags the ascension machine out of storage. Sure, it nearly killed Rodney, but maybe he’ll get lucky. Nothing to lose at this point, right?

The moment the light envelops him, he knows he’s made a terrible mistake.

Within minutes his skin is peeling away to reveal hard, blue scales beneath. The sunlight becomes unbearable. He turns the lights out and feels his way by sound instead.

He doesn’t remember much beyond that. There are only brief flashes in his mind: cold metal beneath his claws, horrified screams reverberating in a corridor, the effortlessness of scuttling up the side of a tower, the crunch of bones cracking between his mandibles.

-

He locks himself in his quarters for a few loops after that.

After a while his guilt is outweighed by his boredom. He picks up the guitar that has been primarily decorative thus far and learns to play Folsom Prison Blues.

Time keeps dragging on, indeed.

-

Eventually, as seems to be inevitable, he ends up coming back to Rodney.

"Sheppard." Rodney gives him a quick nod. "What can I do for you?"

There are a million answers to that question, and none of them are appropriate for work.

He considers the juxtaposition: Rodney's cool greeting with the way he's bouncing on the balls of his feet, all coiled excitement and nervousness. That's how Rodney often is around him, now he thinks about it.

Is it interest or intimidation? Fondness or annoyance? He's never been good at parsing emotions, and that's been a frequent source of frustration. Now it's particularly acute.

"You want some coffee?" Rodney offers, like an olive branch. "I'm sure we've got a clean mug around here somewhere."

John does not want coffee.

How many times has he thought about this? Too many to count. And how many more chances will he have?

What the hell, he thinks. Teyla was right. He'll never get a better opportunity than this.

He steps forward and puts a tentative hand around the back of Rodney's neck. He hears his breath catch. He rubs the soft hair there between his fingers, watches the blush rise on his cheeks. It's an enticing look.

Slowly, carefully, he leans in and kisses him, uncertain even though he knows the loop will reset, because this is bigger than some silly irresponsible behavior; this is him putting his heart in Rodney's fidgety hands and hoping against hope it won't be crushed.

For a moment Rodney freezes, and John is already formulating frantic apologies when Rodney mouths, "Oh god, finally," against his lips and wraps his arms around his shoulders, yanking him closer and kissing him hot and hard.

It's easy as anything to slip his hands under Rodney's thighs and to lift him onto the workbench, even while Rodney attempts to distract him by unbuttoning his shirt and biting a line along his collar bone.

-

He fucks Rodney over the bench in his lab, and next time on a balcony overlooking the city, and after that on Elizabeth’s desk. He learns every inch of his body; the soft plump of his thighs, the way he likes to be jerked off nice and slow, the sensitive patch of skin behind his ear.

For loops and loops, he does nothing else. Rodney never turns him down, not once. No matter where he is or what he’s doing, he’ll drop everything to be with him, and John has no idea what to make of that.

(Yes he does, but it's too big and too terrifying to look at directly, so he puts it aside.

It can wait. He has nothing but time.)

The first time he gets Rodney to fuck him, he bursts into fat, ugly tears afterwards and Rodney wraps a blanket around him and pets his hair. They stay like that for hours, Rodney holding him and for once not speaking, letting the waves of need and desperation and loneliness ebb and flow as they will, giving the simple comfort of his presence.

Sometimes he tells him about the loop, sometimes not. It doesn’t seem to make much difference to Rodney. Even when he explains nothing, just walks up to him and kisses him, Rodney kisses him back just as hungrily as ever.

And when they’re not fucking, they’re talking. He learns that Rodney has always wanted to learn to paint. He misses his cat (no, really. It’s not funny.) The one person on the base he is most afraid of is Elizabeth, because he secretly suspects she might be smarter than he is.

John tells him about why he doesn’t talk to his family, and about how out of place he always felt in the military. That he likes turkey sandwiches because they’re what his college roommate made for him when he first left home and had to learn to get by on not much money.

Each day, he learns more about Rodney and shares more about himself. And then the loop resets, and he has to walk into the lab and see Rodney regard him coolly and say, “Sheppard,” like that’s all they are to each other.

He misses him, and that sounds insane because he's spent practically every waking hour with the man for what must have been weeks. But he is moving forward and Rodney is staying still. Every time the loop resets, they drift further apart.

-

He stops sleeping with Rodney.

-

He gets back to work.

He pulls up the city sensor data and brings it to the lab.

“Here, look. You said before there was a radiation spike.”

Rodney drums his fingers against the tablet. “Yeah, there is. And it looks,” he squints, “sort of familiar.”

“What could cause that?”

“A million things. Radioactive materials. Black holes. Coronal mass ejections. Lightning, if there’s enough of it.”

“Wait, wait wait.” Something important scratches at his mind. “Coronal mass ejections, as in, from stars?”

“Yes. The magnetic fields inside a star shift as material moves in its interior, and when a prominence is formed and collapsed, the star releases a burst of plasma.”

He snaps his fingers. “That’s it! The sun in this solar system, we know it’s periodically unstable, right? And it’s even more active than usual right now.”

“How can you possibly know that?”

He thinks of the arcs of plasma he saw as he dove the jumper into the sun’s corona and decides against trying to explain that. “It’s not important. But we know the stargate has sent Earth teams through time when the wormhole passed too close to a coronal mass ejection, right? What if our stargate had the same problem?”

“That might send whoever was traveling through the gate through time, but it wouldn’t make time loop.” A light flickers in Rodney’s eyes. “Oh! Oh! Unless that’s why the gate failed. It tried to send an outgoing wormhole at the exact moment that the sun’s activity peaked. When the wormhole hit the coronal mass ejection, it bounced back to its origin, carrying its energy with it. And that would mean…” He taps frantically at his tablet. “Right! That spike of radiation is the effect of the outgoing and incoming wormholes colliding, forming a resonance wave. All that energy is forming ripples which must be throwing us through spacetime.”

“Great! So can you fix it?”

Rodney blinks. “I’m not even sure I can model what’s happening, let alone fix it. The mathematical equations alone will be weeks of work.”

“We don’t have weeks, Rodney. We have -” he checks his watch, “- just over half an hour before the loop resets and we lose everything.”

Despair starts crawling up his spine, but he shouldn’t have underestimated the sheer stubbornness of Rodney McKay.

“Well then.” Rodney sits him down and shoves a notebook and pen into his hands. “Looks like you’re going to have to learn some math and help me to remember.”

-

This is his routine now: Wake up in his quarters, run to the lab, talk Rodney through the problem as fast as he can, get lectured on astrophysics and mathematical modelling until he feels like his head is going to explode, repeat.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

-

He gets the basics down quickly but there are still pages and pages of math for them to solve, and nowhere close to enough time to figure it out in one loop. So he learns, and remembers, and does his best to save himself.

Rodney explains it well when he’s not being a jerk, and John starts to understand why he likes this work.

He hasn’t done this much math since college, and it’s not as awful as he remembers. There’s a kind of beauty to it, actually, a balance of all the relevant variables quantified and described, their relationships mapped into symbols and equations, the logically clarity of a necessarily true fact.

“See, this variable here, this represents the duration of the outgoing wormhole.” Rodney taps the whiteboard. John stares at the way his hands dance over the numbers. “And this one here, this is the distance between Lantea and its sun...”

Each loop, he learns a little more. Eventually, he understands the equations Rodney has been scribbling for the past god knows how many loops.

Now they just need to actually figure out how to solve them.

-

“That equation is wrong.”

“What? No it isn’t. I worked that out myself.” Rodney is glaring at him like he insulted his mother.

“I’m telling you, Rodney. Look.” John uses the cuff of his shirt to wipe out a corner of the equations scribbled on the whiteboard. “This is assuming we’re still operating in base 10, but we know the gate operating system is partially in base 16.” He adds in the corrected figures as he goes. “So we need to convert it to polynomial here and here before we can compare the output to the data from our solar radiation readings, then we can figure out the coronal mass ejection’s effects on both the gate and our computers simultaneously and allow for the difference.”

Rodney is squinting at the whiteboard. “That’s… Huh. That might actually be right.” He steps closer, running his fingers beneath the figures John has changed. Then he wheels and rounds on John.

“You,” he says, pointing a finger at John’s chest. “You are a genius.”

And then he’s grabbing John’s shirt and hauling him close and kissing him, wild and messy and with great enthusiasm.

And John had told himself he wasn’t going to do this any more but this is different, Rodney had kissed him this time, and with the way Rodney’s hands are scrabbling at every piece of skin he can reach he doesn’t think he could stop himself anyway.

Afterwards, once they’ve wasted far too much of this loop to get any productive work done, John tells Rodney about all the times that they’ve done this before, and that this is the first time Rodney has been the one to instigate it.

Rodney shrugs. “What can I say? A man who knows his math really gets me going.”

John hides a smile. “You only want me for my brain, huh?”

“Yes,” Rodney says, like that’s obvious. He breaks into a grin and runs a hand through John’s hair. “And the hair, of course. That’s very important.”

“Mmhmm.” John stretches lazily across the sofa in the corner of the lab. “And the rest of me?”

Rodney gives him a sly look. “I guess that’s alright too.”

And then Rodney is giggling as John wrestles him to the sofa as well, and he’s all flying elbows and poking fingers until John gets him pinned beneath him, both of them sweaty and out of breath from laughter.

Oh, thinks John. So this is what happiness feels like. He’d almost forgotten.

-

The loop is about to end, though this one feels different.

They're lying squashed together on the too-small sofa, inelegantly draped around each other, when Rodney takes his hand. “You have to tell me,” he says. “We’re about to reset, and once we've fixed this and I've forgotten again, you have to tell me how you feel.”

His gut churns. It’s so much simpler to be together when he doesn’t have to think about the consequences.

“Promise me,” Rodney says. “It’s not fair that I should finally get what I’ve wanted for so long, and not be able to remember it.”

He thinks about how he feels each time Rodney is reset: the loss, the ache of it. He tries to imagine what it would be like to have those experiences erased entirely.

“Okay.” He squeezes Rodney’s hand. “I promise.”

-

“That’s it!” Rodney beams at the whiteboard, covered from top to bottom in dense equations. “I can’t believe we got that done so fast.”

John lets out a sound that might be considered a laugh.

“Ah.” Rodney looks at him sideways. “You’ve been working on this for a while, huh?”

“You could say that, yeah.”

“Well, good news. Now we’ve got the wormhole modeled, we can feed this data into the dialing device and reset the gate manually.”

“And that will stop the loop?”

“I sure as hell hope so, because it’s the only idea I’ve got.”

“Terrific.”

-

John makes a conscious effort to stop his leg from bouncing anxiously as Rodney loads up their data into the dialing device.

He checks his watch. It’s three minutes to eight.

This is going to work. Right? This has to work. He’s put everything he has into this fix and he honestly doesn’t know if he can cope with looping one single time more.

(He’s thought that so many times before. And yet, here he is, still, willing or not.)

“We need to get the timing just right,” Rodney informs the gate techs. He’s taken over the gate room and thankfully the entire base has learned not to get in McKay’s way when he has that steely look in his eye. “We need to engage the program at exactly the moment the incoming wormhole is set to arrive.”

Two minutes to eight. Adrenaline surges, and he wants to run or to fight, but there’s nothing he can do except watch the furrow in Rodney’s brow and the agitated tapping of his fingers against the Ancient keypad.

“Alright, Chuck, ready on my command.”

Rodney’s got this, he tells himself. They’ve got this.

One minute to eight.

“Now!” Chuck sits up straighter, focused on the instruments in front of him. Rodney taps at the keypad, attention narrowed down to the rapidly scrolling code on his screen.

The lights flicker, spluttering overhead and casting the gate room in an eerie disjointed light. The gate starts to rotate, the screeching noise louder than usual, the illuminated symbols seeming to glow more brightly.

There is a moment of absolute stillness, and then -

The whoosh of the outgoing wormhole connecting is the most beautiful sound he's ever heard. He can get out, he can be free, he can live. He doesn't have to be alone any more.

Blood rushes to his head in great waves and makes him dizzy, like this might all be an illusion, like it might disappear at any moment.

He checks his watch. It's two minutes past eight.

He lets out a hysterical peal of laughter, staggers away from the gate controls, and passes out.

-

He wakes up not in his quarters. The antiseptic smell of the infirmary is the sweetest breath of fresh air.

Elizabeth insists he needs medical supervision, but there's no chance of keeping a hoard of curious scientists away from an oddity like the man who looped through time. So he's in an infirmary bed being gently grilled about the experience by Zelenka, who has apparently been elected their representative.

Elizabeth does her best to project an air of calm as she asks, "Is there any way to know how long we were looping for?"

Zelenka pushes his glasses up on the bridge of nose. "It is hard to say for certain, but extrapolating the current season based on the length of the days, we must have lost around six months."

"Six months?" Elizabeth turns to him, aghast. "John, I can't even imagine."

She means well, but he can't handle pity right now. He plays it off casually, with a wink and a smile. "Trust me, you don't want to." He swings his legs off the side of the bed and calls out to Carson. "Doc, I'm good to leave, right? Pretty sure I'm healthy as a horse, and I've given the research team plenty of material to work with."

Carson looks him over, takes in the weary lines of his shoulders, and eventually nods. He always was perceptive. "Aye, alright. But stop back in tomorrow for a checkup."

"Sure thing. Now if you'll all excuse me, I'm looking forward to a well deserved night off."

-

He is looking forward to a night off, but the very last place he wants to wake up tomorrow is in his quarters. He'd sooner sleep on one of the piers, or in the locker room, or on a hive ship. Anywhere but there.

But there's another option. Or at least, there might be. So he finds himself fidgeting outside Rodney's door.

The door opens while he's pacing back and forth in the corridor.

"Sheppard?' Rodney blinks at him. "I was just on my way to find you. Earlier you seemed… so I thought… well, this must have been hard for you. What are you doing in the hallway?"

He doesn't have an answer for that. Instead he considers.

Rodney's hair is mussed, the way it gets when he's been deep in thought and running his hands through it. His fingertips are pinching together, a hum of low-grade anxiety that surrounds him whenever he has to confront emotional situations. He's wearing an old grey hoodie, one of his favorites because it's soft, even though he thinks it makes him look dumpy (it doesn't. Or maybe it does, but it doesn't matter, because it's comfortable and warm and it smells like Rodney. John knows because he's stolen it tens of times. It's one of his favorites as well.)

John knows him, knows every part of him, and he's so close he could reach out and touch him, but he's a million miles away as well.

"... John? Do you want to come in?" Rodney's face pinches into a concerned frown. "We don't have to talk, if you'd rather not."

He could walk away. Turn on his heel and leave, never mention any of this, let the whole incident fade into obscurity. But he's so close to having what he wants: something new, something familiar, something beautiful.

He takes a breath. Here is his chance. Now or never.

"Actually, I think we should talk." He lets himself smile at the precious memory, one perfect moment crystallized like a diamond from months of crushing pressure. "I made a promise."

[absurdthirst]

I know that your requests are closed, so whenever they are open again I would appreciate some HC’s about how the guys would comfort you after a really dark day at work. Today is the last day of my work week, and I’ve had to deal with some really troubling, dark stuff, so I would love to just have a mental hug from any or all of the guys.

Comforting You After A Bad Day:

Javier: Sex. It’s his go to answer for everything. But since you aren’t like him and can’t fuck away the stress, he opts for listening. Cracking open a bottle of whiskey and pouring out a drink or five for you while he listens to you rant. His arms come around you and his voice is deep and soothing as he tells you that it’s going to be okay. That you will make it through it. Comforting coming from a man who has survived the things he has. 

Ezra: While most would think that Ezra is a motor mouth who doesn’t shut up, he has a most keen ear. He could tell from your tone that something bothered you. Waiting until you were mellow enough to speak on it, those arresting eyes were focused on you completely while you poor your heart out. He may only have one arm to hold you with, but the warmth and security of his body soothes you while he embraces you. Reassuring you that he is here for you. 

Mando: He is silent while he listens to you. His body language stiff and attentive. Until you, he didn’t really do much physical comfort. However, now he has no issue on engaging the autopilot on the Crest, and pulling you down into the cargo hold of the ship. He makes you some broth and pulls you onto his lap while he hugs you to him. Sometimes beskar can be comfortable.

Catfish: Oh he knows those dark days and how much better it can be if someone were to have held him. So that is exactly what he is going to do for you. He orders some takeout and drags you over to the sofa and pulls you down on top of him. Your head nestled on his shoulder, he has his arms tight around you and his legs intertwine with yours. “Tell me what’s wrong baby.” He says as he lays there with you, one hand moving to rub your back as he waits for you to talk to him.

Tovar: Point out who to kill. Or if you need, he can give you the best methods on how to kill a man if you would rather do it yourself. He will provide the weapons.

Whiskey: Another one that is great at comfort. He’s less likely to try to drown your bad day in liquor, instead he’s the type to start a fire if the weather is cold or take you out onto he front porch swing if it’s a nice night. His arm is slung around your shoulder, your head tucked into his as he pushes the swing with his foot. “Talk to me darlin’. Tell Jack what’s made my sugar plum so gloomy.” 

Max Phillips: Point out who he needs to eat. Don’t worry, he’ll make sure they suffer.

Marcus: Oh this man. A hot bubble back and a bottle of wine. You can lean back against him while his thumbs work their magic, rubbing away the stress from your shoulders and neck. He’s never pushy, just listens as you pour out your troubles to him. Offering you commentary when you ask for it and generally just being the best and making you feel like you can face another day like today as long as he has your back. 

Oberyn: Everyone has bad days, he knows that. He’s seen plenty of dark days himself. He knows what you need. You need a night spent in bed with your lovers. The servants are dismissed, the extra bodies are removed from your bed as you are sandwiched between Ellaria and Oberyn as they coo and pet you, feeding you berries and nuts while you bask in their attention. 

MasterList

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[ninbayphua-moyan]

Moonlit Sparrow Through Parted Clouds

Thunderous grey clouds hung heavy in the sky as I made my way towards the lecture hall. My body ached with a bone-deep exhaustion and each leaden step I took felt heavier than the last. I stopped, wanting to turn back, but time and time again, my body refused to obey as my legs carried me towards my destination.

          Half an hour later, I found myself standing outside the empty lecture hall despite the countless hesitations along the way. Sighing, I sank to the floor and closed my eyes, too tired to remain upright. That’s what university does to you. It sucks out your soul, your passion, and your youth, leaving nothing behind but an empty husk of a human being.

           A familiar voice calling my name pricked my hazy, sleep deprived brain and I cracked open my heavy eyelids. My facial muscles moved like clockwork, automatically forming a smile to greet my friend.

           “You look like a corpse!” Chu Ying exclaimed worriedly at the sight of the heavy dark circles beneath my vacant eyes.

           “Haven’t been getting much sleep this week…” I replied with a nonchalant shrug as I quickly scrunched up my eyes until they turned into little crescents of laughter, “assignments due soon.”

           Seemingly convinced by my explanation, she gave me a look of sympathetic encouragement and left. The second no one was looking, I let the smile fall. Amazing what a simple smile could conceal. You could probably murder someone, smile, plead innocent and everyone would believe you. Sighing softly under my breath, I grabbed my bag and joined the gathering crowd of students as they trickled into the dimly lit lecture theatre.

           My laptop sat quietly on the desk, an empty word document laid open on its illuminated screen as the lecturer’s monotonous voiced droned on and on in the background. I should have been taking down notes but my mind was too preoccupied with my issues with the Undergraduate Office to focus on what the lecturer was saying.

           A rhythmic vibration drew my attention towards the phone sitting on my lap. Glancing at the pop-up notification, a wave of anxiety and hope surged through my body as I registered who the sender was – the Undergraduate‘s Office. Quickly, I pulled up the email and immediately felt my heart sinking after reading the first line.

          All seminar groups are full and we cannot move students.

          Lies.

          Another notification, this time, from my personal tutor.

          It’s only week 3, relax.

          Disappointment. Betrayal. Frustration. Anger. I clenched my trembling hands into fists as the tsunami of emotions threatened to explode and spill out of my shaking body. Half of me wanted to storm over to the Undergraduate’s office and let loose the unbridled rage coursing through my veins at the unfair treatment. The other half of me wanted to lash out at my tutor’s condescending advice. My body trembled at the barely, ever so barely contained anger.

          Sixteen thousand pounds. That would be eighty-four thousand two hundred and seventy-nine ringgit each year in school fees. Fees which didn’t even include the amount I needed to spend in order to buy the books required for the modules. Sixteen thousand pounds per year just to get an education, an education that I wasn’t even getting at this point and her advice for me was to relax? How could I when my parents worked their entire youth away, saving every cent just so they could send me, all the way to Britain to get a proper education! Did they even know what the stakes of sending me abroad to study was?!

          My father’s average yearly income is twenty-four thousand ringgits, barely twenty-eight percent of my yearly school fees. Was it that unreasonable to want to be in a class that will allow me to learn and improve after paying for that much money out of my parents’ own pocket?! Why would anyone in their right mind come half way across the globe, paying that ridiculous amount of money, and being so far away from family and home for years, just to fool around? If that had been my intention, I wouldn’t even have bothered going to university in the first place, let alone coming all the way to Cardiff!

          University will be fun they said. You’ll meet open-minded people passionate about learning they said. Hah! That’s the biggest misconception if there ever was one. First of all, the university doesn’t care about whether you actually learn anything so long as you're paying the fees. The majority of lecturers or seminar leaders will only do the most minimal amount of work required and by that, I mean three hundred words of prose only per weekly assignment. What kind of creative work could anyone produce under three hundred words? In prose! Some don’t even bother with critical commentary which is just as essential as the creative pieces. Not only does the lack of practice in writing critical commentaries and limited word count for the creative pieces inhibit students from developing any work of significance, it also underprepares students for the three-thousand-word portfolio due at the end of the semester.

          Secondly, British universities are also especially discriminatory towards outsiders or people of colour, often treating minorities and international students with hostility or disregard. I’ve experienced this discrimination first hand upon requesting a seminar change. Despite having emailed the Undergraduate Office at the same time with the exact same reasons, I was denied the change whilst my British classmate was immediately allowed to swap seminars. The office even went so far as to lie about the class being full even though I was told by the professor leading that very seminar that it wasn’t. So much for the integrity of the institution.

          At the end of the day, international students are nothing but cash cows to British universities.[1] Not only do they have to pay double of what British students pay in terms of fees, they also have to deal with the discriminations that come alongside being an outsider. I understood that in this day and age, education was a business, and that the university itself was, essentially, a business, but doesn’t actual passion for learning still count for something? Or was I wrong in believing in that as well? Oh, so naïve, so very naïve!

          Old memories started to surface amongst the turmoil of emotions. My father and his worn-out clothes, refusing each time to buy new ones for himself just to save a little more money. My mother mending them as best she could whilst we slept, never once complaining. Images of my father’s prematurely greying hair and bloodshot eyes as he worked his health away to provide for his children’s future. My mother’s back bent low, labouring away at some project or another in order to make ends meet. Yet, they never once showed us how tired or how tough things were. There was always enough food on the table and they always had a smile on their faces around us. Sometimes, I noticed that they would eat a lot less than usual but whenever I asked, they merely joked and said they were trying to lose weight. They could have enjoyed their youth, their honeymoon, but they decided to save it all, sacrificing their health and comfort just to ensure mine by sending me here.

          I remember the times where they would secretly check their wallets whenever I begged them to buy me a book. Oh, how those very books painted and fuelled my illusions of Britain’s perfection. If only I had known the reality of it all before applying to study here. But it’s too late for regrets now.

          A sharp stinging pricked the back of my eyes, tears threatening to fall as my body shook with suppressed, uncontrollable rage. Maybe if I was a little braver…maybe if I fought a little harder…maybe if I confronted them a bit more…maybe…maybe…maybe…

          Then as quickly as they appeared, the tsunami of emotions faded away, leaving behind an empty husk. My clenched fists loosen and fell limply at my sides as a quiet, bitter laugh escaped my lips. Nothing was going to change. No matter how hard I fought, the end results will remain the same so what’s the point of even trying in the first place?

          As the cold hard reality of the situation finally presented itself, I slumped against the chair, my empty laptop screen staring blankly back at me. Resignation dragged me deeper and deeper into the murky depths of my mind. I was drowning. No one knew and no one cared. But that’s fine. The ending remains the same regardless. Always the same…

          The sound of rustling papers and loud chatter momentarily draws me out of the murky waters. Realising that the lecture had ended, I gathered my things and shuffled towards the exit, my mind returning once more to the depths of the void. Outside, the rain was pouring. I plodded down the streets drenched to the bone as my legs moved mechanically towards my flat. A stifling numbness engulfed my mind as I trudged on in silence, the howling wind battering my shivering, rain-soaked body from all sides. Rounding the corner, I pulled out a key-card and entered the cramped grey flat. Out of sheer habit, I grabbed the letters from my letterbox and stuffed them into my coat pocket before heading upstairs.

           Entering the dingy room, I dropped my backpack on the bed and sank to the floor. Hugging my knees to my chest, I stared vacantly at the bleak wall. My phone rang insistently in my pocket but I didn’t answer, too tired to move. The crushing weight on my lungs forced out whatever little oxygen I managed to draw, making each breath a struggle. The clamouring voices in my mind grew louder and louder, growing in intensity yet forcefully contained, like built-up pressure without release on the brink of implosion.

You’re useless

          I’m…not…

You can’t even stand up for yourself or fight for what you believe is right

          Yes I can! And I’m trying! I’ve –

You’re a disappointment to your parents and your family

          I’m not! I swear! I –

You’ll never amount up to anything

          That’s not true! I –

You’re pathetic

          No –

Nothing but a Failure

          Stop saying –

Human garbage

          Please! Just –

Waste of space

           “SHUT UP!”

           Silence. Nothing but the sound of my ragged breathing in the darkness.

The world would be better off without you

          I don’t know how long I had stayed there on the floor but by the time I came around, my dripping wet clothes were nearly dry. The chaotic calamity within had finally died down and I was filled with an eerie calmness. A deafening silence blanketed the air, pierced only by the hypnotic rumbling of trains across tracks. Ah yes…the railway…my ticket to solving everything…just two blocks away…and it’ll all be over…permanently…

          Forcing my lethargic limbs to move, I wobbled onto my feet and stumbled towards the door. A tiny parcel fell out of my pocket and the handwriting on it made me paused. It was my mother’s. Even under the dimness of the moonlight trickling in, there was no mistaking that immaculately cursive hand.

          Letting go of the door handle, I kneeled down to pick up the neatly wrapped package. Then, slowly, as if afraid it would fall apart at the slightest touch, I began unwrapping the parcel. Upon opening the box, tears welled at the corner of my eyes. Six little cylindrical bundles of haw flakes were carefully packed within, each attached to a tightly rolled up strip of paper. Gently untying the scrolls from the sweets, I began reading them one at a time.

          Jie![2] I got you your favourite sweets! Wanted to buy you more of them but Ma said there wasn’t enough space in the box. Don’t worry, I’ll send you a big box of them once I’ve saved up enough money.

– Di[3]

          My heart ached as I thought about how much it must have costed for them to ship the parcel all the way from Penang to Britain. And with the little amount of pocket money…it must have taken Di-Di months of saving to be able to afford buying that one bundle of sweets…

          Jie, just because you’re the oldest doesn’t mean you have to hold everything in on your own y’know? It’s okay to rely on others a bit more from time to time. Enjoy the sweets you idiot, you’re crazy about those haw flakes. No idea why you like them either, they aren’t even that nice.

– Mei[4]

          Tears pricked the back of my eyes as my sister’s grumpy voice echoed in my ears. I could even see the disbelieving eye roll at my odd preferences in sweets after the last sentence. How I’ve missed our senseless squabbles and late-night chats….

          A-Yun, being an international student in the UK isn’t always the easiest thing, especially when you’re a minority there. You’ve already taken the necessary steps and have done all you can in that situation. Remember, it’s the end result and not the process that defines a victory. Remember what Sun Tzu mentioned in The Art of War? ‘The most important rule to victory is to know when to pick your fights and how to fight it’. Not all battles need to be fought to win the war. Never forget our family values and never lose sight of your goal. Don’t worry about finances, let me handle that. Just focus on your studies and aim for that first-class honours. The best revenge is to succeed despite their efforts to stop you. Continue to work hard and don’t give up. Know that regardless of the outcome, your Ma and I are proud of you and that we love you very, very much.

– Ba[5]

           A sob catches at the back of my throat as tears flowed freely down my cheeks. Acute pangs of longing weighed heavily on my chest, making it hard to breathe.

          A-Yun[6] ah, if it ever becomes too much to bear at Cardiff, come home. Ma will make you your favourite dishes. I know you want to do well but don’t overwork yourself. Remember to get enough rest and try to change your bad habit of skipping meals. Two boiled eggs alone don’t count as a proper meal either!

– Ma[7]           

          A sheepish giggle escaped my lips despite the tears, Ma’s exasperated voice ringing in my ears. I could almost picture the look of indignation on her face as she judges my terrible meal choices before proceeding to fill my bowl with steamy boiled dumplings.

          Ah…Ma’s famous boiled dumplings…the saltiness of minced pork marinated with soy sauce and sesame oil…the refreshing sweetness of spring onions and carrots contrasting the pork’s saltiness…flecks of finely chopped hei-mu-er adding a chewy texture to the tender meat whilst thin sheets of delicately wrapped dough encapsulated it all…the slight bitterness of the herbal broth complementing the savoury dumplings…[8] My stomach growled in protest as I smiled fondly at the memory.

          Wiping away the remaining tears, I unrolled the last strip of paper. Elegant brushstrokes painted familiar characters in horizontal lines. A wave of nostalgia washed over me as I recalled sitting on A-Gong’s [9] lap in the garden as kid, watching him practice calligraphy. I remembered how he used to read his poems aloud as I gaze at his hands guiding the bamboo brush across the ivory sheet, entranced by its flowing movements. Each word written was like a piece of art, each stroke of ink painting a meaning of its own.

Tranquil night’s darkness, the moon shines bright, From the mud the lotus rises, its petals pure despite. Vermillion red blossom like wildly raging flames; Elegant, virtuous, delicate, yet exquisitely untamed. The wise once said that adversity yields flair, An upright heart, oblique shadows don’t scare. Dripping water with time wears the stubborn stone, Sturdy wood too can be cut with rope saws alone! [10]

          A strange tranquility wrapped itself around me as I read the poem, A-Gong’s calm and mellow voice resonating in my ears. It was almost as if he was standing right before me with the usual toothless smile and twinkling eyes on his wizen face. Tenderly cradling the small box of sweets, a faint smile graced my lips. Their vermillion red and gold wrappings shone with a certain warmth under the soft light of the moon. Gently unwrapping one of the thumb-size bundles with shaking hands, I popped a disk-like piece into my mouth.         

          Immediately, a wave of warmth spread throughout my cold and hollowed body, almost as if it was infused with the life-giving heat of home. The familiar tart sweetness of the hawthorn berries cleared the heavy fog that clouded my mind and for the first time in a long while, I felt energy slowly seeping back into my worn-out soul, reigniting the snuffed-out fire within. Strange how something so small, barely the size of my thumb, could bring so much comfort and hope. That night, the moon shone a little brighter than usual, and the normally barren sky seemed to be exploding with billions of twinkling stars.

NOTES

[1] Alina Schartner & Yoonjoo Cho, ‘“Empty signifiers” and “dreamy ideals”: perceptions of the “international university” among higher education students and staff at a British university’, Higher Education, 74 (2017), 455-472

[2] ‘Jie’ means older sister in Chinese

[3] 'Di’ means younger brother in Chinese

[4] 'Mei’ means younger sister in Chinese

[5] ‘Ba’ means father in Chinese

[6] ‘Yun’ is written as ‘云’ meaning ‘cloud’

[7] 'Ma’ means mother in Chinese

[8] Hei-mu-er is the Mandarin term for black cloud ear fungus, a type of mushroom often used in Chinese cuisines.

[9] ‘A-Gong’ means grandfather in Chinese (specifically, the Hainanese pronounciation)

[10] This is a self written and self translated poem I wrote. The original Chinese version can be found here.

[11] ‘Moonlit Sparrow Through Parted Clouds’ is a play on 守得云开见月明 meaning the moon will shine brightly again when the clouds part, and 麻雀虽小五脏俱全 meaning though a sparrow is small, it has all the vital organs.

Author's Notes:

So this is one of my earlier prose pieces from uni (all the way back from first year lol). I don’t usually post prose? Not prose of this length at least. Anyways, I thought I’d take the leap and try posting them online now since I decided to start doing that for my poetry pieces? The rest of my prose pieces throughout uni somehow ended up becoming interlinked with several recurring characters though there are some inconsistencies since they were initially intended as stand-alone pieces rather than a series of somewhat loosely linked short stories. I’ll be posting them in story timeline sequence (or at least as closely to a sequence as I can since I didn’t exactly plan out the timeline of these pieces either) rather than in the sequence it was written in so there might be a slight fluctuation in writing style cuz they do kinda change over the years? Anyways, I hope you enjoyed reading Part 1~ 

Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 

Since exams are over and graded and I've officially graduated, I can finally post my work online without having to worry about Turnitin picking it up as plagiarism because apparently you aren't allowed to plagiarise yourself according to university which is absolutely ridiculous but I'm not the one making the rules here so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also, please don't reupload my works without permission.

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

a poem for small things

by Admin 1 & 2

The time has come, the first proper post for this segment we’ve settled on calling a poem for small things, a nod toward BWL and its Korean title. Like we said in our call for submission post, this is supposed to be something like a place full of positivity for vminnies (and perhaps the occasional namjinist) where you (and us) can share whatever we’d like in connection to vmin, both as vmin and as Jimin and Tae the individuals, and have something to raise our mood and also strengthen our vminnie confidence. We’ve gotten several wonderful submissions and quickly realized that for this first post the theme is mostly how I became a vminnie, even if three submissions talk more about vmin moments they enjoy instead.

I think it’s a really interesting theme, especially since everyone’s story is different, and everyone seems to find something else about vmin that captured their attention and hearts so sharing these memories and experiences is a great way to start off this segment. We’ve said it many times before, though I don’t think you can say it enough times, but this bond that Jimin and Tae share is truly special and so one of a kind, it’s wonderful to see how we all relate to and resonate with it in our own way and find something in it that makes us fall in love with their loves, regardless if we see it as platonic or romantic love. Love is love after all. 95z is love.

For the order of these submissions, we’ll simply go in the order in which we’ve received them. Most of them came from anons, which is more than okay. We’ve also opened the possibility of submitting posts for those who would like to submit wordier posts/asks, should we do another edition of this. It all depends on how much you’ll enjoy it and if you’ll come through with more submissions that could be gathered for future posts.

Anyway, enough talking from our side, let’s dive into these submissions below the cut, shall we? Like we said in the original post (and demonstrated in the preview post), we’ll add some of our commentary and observations along the way, too.

From anon: This is going to be long winded story but Vmin is like a Serendipity to me. I've heard of BTS mainly from my hubby when he complains that times sq is packed because of BTS (when they’re in town and doing their rounds of morning shows). I knew they were very popular but it was a great surprise that i discovered them after watching ILand during lockdown. Their songs were great and i started playing their classics like Fire, DNA Fake Love etc. Then they did an appearance in the show...

I love how you heard about BTS because of your husband and Time Square being packed, this is honestly the most original and unique version of how I’ve come across BTS I’ve read over the years. Amazing!

I was drawn to Taehyung's beauty during their appearance in Iland. And my first Vmin ? moment was when Tae commented about being handsome and attractive are 2 things and being attractive weighs more - along those lines... then JM made a comment that its unfair that he's both and Tae was like Im talking about you... I went like ok he thinks JM is attractive- theyre good friends.... then Jimin did the FakeLove choreo and the camera focused on Tae and he had this wide smile...The Iland Tae/Jimin clips made me do a double take but I dismissed it since it was just only a few seconds worth of screen time but still...

I-Land vmin was really something else in both episodes. 

Fun fact: I-Land was the first Korean survival show I’ve ever watched, mostly because it had something to do with BH and since it was streamed online with subs in real time. Unfortunately, my faves—Daniel and Taki—didn’t make it into ENHYPEN, though I’m happy that Taki will be in a future Japanese BH group.

But, going back to vmin, that moment with Jimin dancing FAKE LOVE and Tae looking at him with that boxy smile as though Jimin hung the stars in the sky? I melted, even if it was just one of those brief moments, yet still it’s so cute! And it was all over sns being shared by vminnies and non-vminnies alike. What a great time that was.

Then VMAs Dynamite perf happened- both Vmin looking good. I saw a lot of their promos especially the Jimmy Fallon interviews... and I noticed in hindsight how JF was so careful when referring to Jimin ... Since Tae was my first bias, I searched YT for Tae related content eventually saw in my YT feed Vmin moments. Theres a lot of Vmin content in YT or maybe the T*ek*ok ones didnt really register as extraordinary to me. But defo the Vmin moments were extraordinary to me,,,the BV4 sleeping together, kitchen role play & BV3 JM excited to see Tae and them holding hands and then Tae crying and then Tae's busking with Jimin cheering him on were all amazing to see. Up to this day this specific YT vid stood out to me first 

I actually went to check what video this is, and also looked at the comments where my favorite was this one: The staff member went straight to Jimin to tell him V was crying. That's all you need to know. They’re not wrong with that one, are they? That is pretty telling. BV3 vmin were a work of wonder, truly. Jimin watching Tae sing that Sam Smith song during the dinner in the sky looking all soft and endlessly fond?

Jimin encouraging Tae to busk and gently petting his hair was just such a pure moment and showed how much Jimin appreciates Tae and the talent he has, how in moments when Tae might brush aside wanting to do something, is a little hesitant and unsure, Jimin will stand up for him and give him strength/encouragement, which reminds me of Tae’s vlive in April 2020 and the fact that Jimin had told him that he wants to be his source of strength. Beautiful. And it shows that it wasn’t just pretty yet empty words, but something he truly meant. They both do.

Then i came across vid trans of Friends & cried first time hearing it especially when it got to the part "One day when the cheer dies down, stay hey.." It felt raw and honest to me. Then there's MOT:E concert and that part in Dynamite where they bumped their heads seemed bizaare to me - i was like were they fighting? because JM looked really fierce(or maybe emotional) then i saw the close up. i couldnt remember the exact moment I became a Vminie but it made quarantine easier...

This, I’ve noticed, seems to be a recurring theme among quarantine ARMY and vminnies, the fact that becoming ARMY and vminnies made it easier, and it fits with what we’ve been saying about BTS for years: they will find you when you’ll need them most. And in these trying and uncertain times, it’s certainly proven true once again.

Thank you of much for your submission and sharing your story with us, and I’m glad they could make quarantine a little easier for you.

From anon: I've been following BTS on and off since BST, but only really consider myself a true fan late 2019. I can't recall having a bias at first, but I was captivated by Jimin's everything when I binge-watched all their content. I must admit, my first OTP is T*e/k*ok, where I fell down the route of considering Jimin 'an interfering 3rd party' in their relationship, and it shamed me. Since then I've been cycling through Jimin ships, namely yo*n/m*n, j*n/m*n, m*ni/m*ni, and I even thought that j*/k*ok was real at some point. Strangely, Vmin never struck me as something extraordinary. I don't want to blame anyone, but Vmin caught my eye after I watched official BTS content without filter (presumed bias/judgement) all in their glory. I realized that while other ships may go up-and-down as in one day there's a frenzy and another day quiet af, Vmin has been and is still going constant. That's what makes me love Vmin, and for the first time in my fandom life, I have no qualms about whether they are real or not. Their bond, whatever it is, is already precious and something to be cherished forever. Thank you for providing us vminies a special corner to speak up about our experience 💜

You’re very welcome! I hope you’ll like how this turned out as well. Thank you for sharing your story with us and personally I find it fascinating how, despite Jimin being the one who captivated you most at first, you still fell into the “he’s an interference for my ship” trap that’s quite popular with that particular ship. I’m glad though that that never ruined your love for Jimin. It’s also really interesting for me how you went through different Jimin ships yet it took you the longest time to notice vmin. I feel like, because vmin and vminnies are more “low key” than the other bigger and louder ships, as well as Tae and Jimin simply being quieter in their interactions (not always but you get the point) as compared to, for example, Jimin’s interactions with Hobi, Jungkook, or even Namjoon, it takes people a while to really notice them.

This is my favorite part of what you wrote, and I think it’s a great way to describe vmin in general and what makes them different from other ships in the grand scheme of things: I realized that while other ships may go up-and-down as in one day there's a frenzy and another day quiet af, Vmin has been and is still going constant.

From vminot7: So i fell into BTS hole after watching blood sweat and tears mv casually on youtube. Jimin immediately stole my attention with his unique voice, graceful moves and handsome features even though i didn’t know their names at that time. I watched more MVs and jimin continued to hold my attention but i was also extremely drawn to taehyung's voice and facial expressions. So i started looking for more content such as RUN BTS and other compilations and realized my love for all 7 of them. I also noticed how jimin always had a soft spot for taehyung and was curious about their dynamics. I started looking at more of vmin content and i was really surprised to see how in the early days they were nowhere near as soft with each other as they are now. I think they have a unique bond and i have never come across anything quite similar. Now vmin are both my biases and my bias wrecker is hoseok.

I admire jimin for being a hardworking, passionate perfectionist but also a caring soul who is always ready to offer love and comfort to people in need. I love taehyung for how he looks at the world in his unique ways and how he has a childlike awe for things and how he is so passionate over the things he loves. The thing i love about vmin together is how they are so different yet work so hard on their relationship when it would be easier to just not try that hard.

Ah, another mention of the queen that is Blood, Sweat and Tears. The MV truly is such a masterpiece so I’m not surprised that it caught your attention, and especially Jimin since he was…something else in that MV, or like Tae said, his eyes were temptation (this boy, I swear). Since you mentioned how in the first years they were nowhere near as soft with each other as they are now, I think watching their dynamic and relationship change and evolve over time showcases the one thing I think a lot of people (as well as movies and TV shows) forget or gloss over, despite it being so incredibly important: in order to make a relationship of any kind work, especially in order for it to grow as deep and strong as the one between all members and especially vmin, you need to put in the emotional work to make that happen. You have to make an effort, have to learn to understand the other person and teach them to understand you as well, learn to appreciate and love their little quirks and how to accept others. And it’s so clear that that’s what vmin did, continue to do, and it more than paid off in the long run. I’m glad you highlighted that in general but also as something you love about them.

While the overall bond between the members is a class of its own, I think especially what vmin have achieved is a whole masterclass in relationships and fostering strong ones, in and of itself. There is a lot I think we can learn from them and I’m so happy that people recognize how special they are.

Thank you so much for your submission!

From anon: There’s this small moments in Dear Class of 2020 that i just adore! I’ve watched it at least 20 times this past month

It starts with “Spring Day”- tae and jimin laugh and look at each other and it’s just so sweet!

Also, maybe it’s my delusional mind but after tae’s and jin’s small and adorable moment- it seemed that jimin did the same with junkook right after maybe out of i duuno if jealousy but like “pay attention to me too” kinda way- dont know really and maybe it’s me being extra🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree partially, in that Jimin watched Tae’s and Seokjin’s adorable moment, obviously must’ve thought of it as cute just like we did, and thought he could do the same with JK. I don’t think it had anything to do with jealousy, especially if we work off of the idea that vmin are a thing, but also because it’s a performance and these things primarily serve the purpose of being cute and entertaining use, in other words, it’s fanservice (which isn’t the evil word some portray it as). Also, within that same performance, Tae and Jimin actually sang some of the lyrics toward each other, therefore they, too, had a cute moment they shared with big smiles and everything, just like you mentioned.

But we’ve gotten to see much more of Tae’s friendship with Seokjin in 2020, and especially the second half, so it was really sweet to see them interact during that song. Their friendship and dynamic is really a beautiful one, just like JKs bond with Seokjin, which I feel we’ve also gotten to see more of in recent months. Part of me (and that part can very well be wrong) feels that perhaps once the members caught on to Seokjin feeling the way he said he did/does, they decided to give him an extra dose of love and affection, off camera but also on where we can see it. That isn’t to say that they didn’t show him any of that before, but maybe they increased the intensity a little, a reminder that Seokjin truly is loved, that he deserves all of this, that it’s just his imposter syndrome (or at least what sounds like it) lying to him.

I’m still so touched and moved by the fact that he trusted us enough to share his feelings with us, to gift us Abyss and how it came to be, and that Bang PD was on his side and coaxed him into pouring his feelings into music, even if it would be “bad”, that the fear of it potentially being “bad” shouldn’t hold him back (and Namjoon helping in even if just a tiny bit with the lyrics). It was one of those times where I feel like we were all reminded that regardless of our opinions of BH and their doings, the members are surrounded by kind people who have their best interest in mind. After all what’s good for Bangtan is also good for the company, a win-win for everyone.

…wow, okay, I kind of went off on a tangent, I’m sorry…

Either way , then we have “Mikrokosmos” where we have a sweet moment at their part and towards the end where they switch mic and hear each other

I love this performance overall and especially “spring day”- jin’s and j-hope’s lovely voices and of course tae’s!! This song fits them so well and all the members of course

Well this is my rent , i love your blog and always wait for another post! Also i love the new idea and look forward to it!

Thank you so much for your submission and for bringing up their Dear Class 2020 performance. It was a truly magical one, and after reading this the first time, I did go and watch it again. To this day I’d still very much like to know how and when and why the mic switch between vmin happened, and I kind of hope that we might get a Bangtan B*mb or EPISODE about this eventually and it might shine some light on that question. Overall it was one of my favorite performances on 2020.

From Sky: While I enjoy cute, physical moments with VMIN, I really do value how emotionally attached they are to each other. For example (I don’t know if it fits as vmin moment but), I love how Jimin asked V to take the Promise cover photo, and how he ended up putting V’s name for credits on the cover. (Special Thanks to V, Best Photographer) This really shows a lot. Coz he can easily choose any Bighit photographer to take it. He could have chosen JK because we know how he takes good pics and vids too (and also apparently alot of people say that vmin had a falling out and that Jimin and JK were much more closer, lol). Or he could’ve asked Suga too bec he’s into cameras too. But he didn’t. He chose V, and chose to shout it out to the world how thankful he is for V’s help. RM co-wrote Promise, and maybe had offered more help in this project, but he didn’t put it in the cover. I’m not saying Jimin is ungrateful for not crediting RM in the cover. The difference is that he and RM had a vlive regarding the making of this song, a lot of people already know RM’s participation, he was officially credited as co-writer and Jimin really showed how thankful he is to RM. But no one knows of V’s participation (except for a snippet in that Run ep), so Jimin felt the need to tell it to everyone. I’m sure it’s not only the photos, I think he wanted to acknowledge how V helped him through the process, whether directly or indirectly. Also, remember this is Jimin’s first non-album solo single. By putting V’s name in it, he is sharing this very special song with his soulmate. How endearing it is! V also included Jimin in his first full English song. He used the two bears given by Jimin as Winter Bear’s cover photo and he included the photo Jimin took (sleeping V in the plane) in the MV. Like, seriously, they are trying to consciously imprint each other in their life’s milestones, openly or subtly. I’m crying. 😭

This was lovely, and yes, Jimin could’ve asked whoever to take those pictures, could’ve chosen any other ones, and yet he wanted Tae to be the one to take them, wanted those specific ones as covers. It’s very sweet and creates this subtle connection between Jimin, the song, and Tae. Sure, it isn’t the first time a picture Tae took is the cover for a SoundCloud song (the picture of JK on the 2U cover was also taken by Tae if I remember correctly), but it’s the fact that Promise is Jimin’s first non-BTS song, his first solo release, that makes it that much more special. Even more so when you think about how meaningful that song is to Jimin, and by having Tae as cover picture photographer, he’s in a way forever attached memory wise to that song as well, right?

The same also goes with Winter Bear and the two ceramic bears. Remember how excited Tae looked when I kinda spoiled that gift being a thing happening in an upcoming RUN episode during Jimin’s vlive during the summer 2019? Adorable. It’s also curious how though the title is singular—winter bear not winter bears—there’s two ceramic bears. One for Tae, one for Jimin? Maybe, or maybe I’m reading too much into it. Either way, it’s really cute, and it was a very thoughtful gift, even more when we think about just how much Jimin loves that song.

From anon: Love this idea it's super cute!! 1st thing that came to my mind is a rather simple moment, jimin bopping taehyung's nose and making a lil game out of it

Taehyung asking for more and that dazed smile 🥺 he had the same expression in that concert when jimin placed his face just above him, tae's smile afterward... it was so pure u could almost read "love" in his eyes lol

What a lovely note to end this post at, thank you for that. I don’t know what got into them during that photoshoot for Season’s Greetings 2020 but this was so disarmingly adorable. I remember when that moment appeared all over every sns and everyone just melted, myself included. Their smiles, the cute clothes, Tae’s head on Jimin’s chest, the softness and innocence of it, just all of it. It truly was so pure and like this sweet visualization of ‘love’.

And with that, we’ve reached the end. Did you like this? I had a great time reading your submissions and adding my little comments to them. If you’d like for us to continue this, same rules as last time, send in a submission marked with “VMC” and once we’ll have enough of them gathered, we’ll do this again, if you’re interested in more, that is. Send in whatever positive vmin you have, a thought, a moment, a memory, whatever you’d like.

Thank you once again to everyone who participated! :)

[destielshippingnews]

Edvard's Supernatural Rewatch & Review: 1x04 Phantom Traveler

In this week’s analysis, I’ll be discussing the unfortunate introduction of Abrahamic mythology, the lamentable gender politics of Dean in his nightwear, and magic languages.

Supernatural’s fourth offering, 1x04 Phantom Traveler, (not a misspelling, 'traveller' is spelt like that in America) is a solid episode. It’s not fantastic, and Supernatural certainly has better to offer, but it’s still an entertaining watch which introduces demons into the Supernatural universe and continues developing Dean and Sam’s characters, making them more distinct.

It is also the first episode Robert Singer directed for Supernatural. I didn’t see much to particularly comment on in the direction for this episode (my two years of Media Studies were not wasted on me at all), but one interesting choice, however, is the tracking shot of Dean’s sleeping form straight after the title card. EscapingPurgatory podcast had a shrewd postulation: the intended audience was heterosexual educated men between the ages of roughly 15 and 39, but a lot of them would be watching with their girlfriends and wives etc, and Dean is the brother who’s available at the moment.

Returning to the plot of the show, the script does itself a major disservice as early as the cold open. This episode was broadcast in America four years after 9/11 (almost four and a half in Britain) and was right in the middle of the decades-long and still ongoing war on drugs. The atmosphere surrounding airfare has changed fundamentally. The air hostess clearly saw the man’s black eyes and was affected by it, and should have alerted somebody on the plane to her worries, because she would have thought he was on drugs of some variety at the very least, and possibly smuggling drugs on the plane. However, for the purposes of the plot she does not act on her misgivings, but simply gasps and goes about her day.

This raises the question of why the demon revealed its presence like that. Demons are usually incredibly stupid on Supernatural, but this level of dumb is difficult for me to believe. The air hostess could have very easily had the man thrown off the aeroplane, and then its plan would be scuppered. The most likely reason was to show the audience that the man was possessed, but the audience was going to find that out in about a minute’s time anyway, so why reveal it there? It breaks the fourth wall in a bad way.

Whilst on the aeroplane and the demon’s plan, the episode never makes the demon’s motivations explicit. Sure, Sam claims that demons like death and destruction for their own sake, but this doesn’t fit well with how demons behave later in the show. They are, forsooth, as thick as poo, but they usually have higher ups telling them what to do. Was the demon’s repeated downing of aeroplanes part of a higher up’s plan?

Before I go on, it’s worthwhile mentioning that this episode is the first one to introduce the idea of an actual Abrahamic Hell in the Supernatural universe. It’s not the only genre show of its kind to have included something like this, with Charmed having the Underworld where the Source of All Evil resided, and Buffy having various Hell dimensions, but those two examples weren’t Hell as depicted in the Bible.

Joss Whedon specifically avoided the idea of a Hell and employed dimensions ruled by demons and demon gods rather than Archangel Lucifer. Charmed used the Underworld as an equivalent of Hell, but it was not a place of punishment for human souls. While Charmed is definitely my least favourite fantasy/horror/sci-fi genre show (Prue notwithstanding), I appreciated that it took a step away from Abrahamic mythology. Buffy/Angel were even better, having their own mythology that had precious little to do with Middle Eastern religions and more to do with Dunsany, Lovecraft or sometimes even Tolkien.

Kripke, however, took the lazy route with Abrahamic, specifically Christian, mythology, a choice which I believe was to the show’s detriment. It’s supposed to be a show about American folklore and urban legends, but that stuff eventually gets thrown under the bus. Forget Native Americans, screw the Americanised versions of Scandiwegian lore, screw the Old West and the Gold Rush and all the tales revolving around America’s history. And Canada? Pfft. What even is Canada? And don’t even think about Mexico. Let’s just have yet more desert myths from 2-3000 years ago.

My distaste aside, this universe has a Hell (and a Heaven), and demons are made by torturing humans until all humanity is gone from them, or by letting the humans off the torture rack if they agree to become the torturers.

Knowing this, two possibilities come to mind. One is that this demon is repeating its own human death for some reason, and another is that it kills people and drags their souls to Hell to make more demons.

Repeating its own death is entirely speculative, but this episode mixes up demons with traits later associated with ghosts and death echoes. Never again is an EMF reader used to detect demonic activity, and unless I’ve forgotten a certain example, demons aren’t shown to act as specifically as this again.

The second option, that of dragging souls to Hell, doesn’t seem likely as it’s made clear that demon deals or trades are required in order for Hell to get its claws on human souls, at least in usual circumstances. There’s nothing saying that demons can’t just decide to drag certain souls to Hell, and there is an implication at the end of this episode that this might actually be the case, but it’s a stretch. If this were the case, however, it would give the demon a real motive and make the episode less of a stand-alone bit of fun with overt X-Files vibes.

Sticking with Hell events on the aeroplane for now, let’s skip to the end and the exorcism. Whilst trying to exorcise the demon, it tells Sam that Jessica is burning in Hell. Dean tries to reassure Sam by saying that demons read minds and that it was trying to get to him, but demons can only know the minds of people they possess. This then leaves three options: the demon was lying and Jess is in Heaven, it was telling the truth and Jess is in Hell, or the demon was just trying to get to Sam, but unbeknownst to him Jess actually was in Hell.

Technically speaking, Jess shouldn’t be in Hell. She didn’t make a deal (that we know of) and it’s established later in the show that most people go to Heaven anyway. But Kevin didn’t, neither did Eileen or Bobby. Mary did, even though she made a deal with Azazel, and she died under the same circumstances as Jess. As Jess is never mentioned as being in Hell by another demon in the show, and as Dean, Sam and Cas eventually visit Hell and find nothing of her there, we can assume Jessica went to Heaven.

The exorcism in this episode is strange compared to exorcisms in the rest of the show. The Doyle (external to the text) explanation is clearly that the writers didn’t know exactly how they wanted things to work yet, but the Watson (within the text) explanation could be that they used a different exorcism ritual. Later in the show, there is no intermediate stage between being expelled from the host body and being banished to Hell: they just go directly down. This version, though, forces the demon to manifest and thereby makes it much stronger and more dangerous. I personally think the version in this episode makes the demons more of a threat because it’s harder to exorcise them, but I can see why it became streamlined later in the show.

The fact the demon possessed the aeroplane, however, raises the question of why it didn’t do so in the first place. Maybe it’s more fun to possess a human first.

Speaking of the ritual, Jared tells us on the commentary that he had to have a Latin teacher from a local university instruct him in Ecclesiastical Latin because he learnt Classical Latin at school. As a language person, I’m left wondering why. It’s the same language, just pronounced differently. Does the spell need to be pronounced in a certain way in order to work? If so, would the Ancient Romans have been completely incapable of expelling demons with their own language? Would they have had to rely on Greek, Etruscan, Gaulish or Sumerian for the rituals? It’s just completely unnecessary, especially as we later see Rowena casting spells in Scottish Gaelic, Irish witches casting spells in Irish, Celtic ‛demons’ performing rituals in Gaulish…

At least the university teacher got a little bit of extra money, I suppose.

Sticking with the aeroplane a little bit longer, Dean’s fear of flying is a welcome expansion to his character, though it was clearly included with the intent of making fun of him. It could easily have been played as such, but Jensen’s comments on the commentary indicate he saw it as an opportunity to provide more depth to Dean, as his connection with Lucas through their shared childhood trauma did in 1x03 Dead in the Water. In these two episodes, Jensen begins taking Dean away from the writers and making him his own: he was supposed to be the sidekick, but Jensen said nope.

In making Dean afraid of flying, but having him so insistent upon flying in spite of it, The Show perhaps did itself a bit of a disservice in its mission of making Sam The Hero and Dean The Sidekick. Dean was terrified, but flew anyway. That is bravery, and it’s what the audience wants to see in a hero.

Sam, however, does not miss an opportunity to make me dislike him (you knew this was coming at some point, don’t look surprised). Not only is he incredibly unappreciative and derisive of Dean’s talents, such as making his own EMF from an old Walkman, but he was also derisive of Dean’s fear of flying.

Sorry, let me reword that. Derisive of Dean for being scared of flying. It’s perfectly rational to be afraid of being in a giant metal bird suspended miles above the ground, but Dean agreed to it anyway in order to save people. And Sam treats him like a child because he’s scared of take-off and turbulence. Dean’s fear is a rational one, something that a person who hasn’t been sheltered from reality would have. Sam’s greatest fear, however, is…

Clowns.

I get it, they’re brothers, and siblings are supposed to rib on each other like this (the siblings I still talk to aren’t like this with me or each other, so I find it difficult to relate to Dean and Sam’s relationship) but it makes Sam come across as an utter cunny-hole. If somebody is clearly terrified of something and on the edge of a panic attack, you don’t sneer and mock, and then demand he calm down. Sure, Dean needed to calm down and Sam was the only one who could do it, but talking to him like a child just reveals how little Sam knows of taking care of other people. He’s the pampered younger brother, and it really shows.

He also shows a lack of judgement when roughly putting a hand on Dean’s shoulder while he was distracted. Dean’s essentially a war child (and suffers C-PTSD) and you just shouldn’t do things like this to somebody like that. That’s how you trigger panic attacks or flashbacks. Ask a veteran, I’m sure s/he’ll agree.

Aside from that, the middle-aged man on the aeroplane winked at Dean – winked – when Dean was walking down the aisle with his EMF reader. A man winking at a man has sexual overtones nowadays, and has done for a long time. How many men wink at a built guy standing over them like that unless they’re sure they won’t be punched in the face? Dean had his EMF reader out at that moment, but he was simultaneously on somebody else’s radar. Something about Dean set sexual bells ringing in cameo middle-aged man’s head. Regarding Sam, there’s two important moments for him in this episode (Jess aside): when he discovers John talked about and praised him in his absence, and when he exorcises the demon. It’s made clear in a few episodes’ time that Sam never felt like he fit in with his family, and that he believed John was disappointed in him. Exactly how he came to this conclusion is uncertain, since John doted on Sam and afforded him liberties he never would have allowed Dean, but it’s clear their relationship is difficult. Going away to university was Sam’s attempt to run away from the dysfunctional family he felt an outsider in and to escape John (and Dean): that he apparently didn’t speak to either John or Dean during his time there says a lot.

He finds out, however, that John praised him, undermining somewhat Sam’s belief that John regarded him as a disappointment. Episode 1x05 Bloody Mary provides another moment of character growth for Sam that subtly changes the way he perceives himself, but all in due course.

Praise from parents is important for children, and it really shouldn’t be hard for parents to tell their children they’re proud of them, even if they don’t say it in as many words. In spite of his difficult relationship with John, Sam gets that by proxy in this episode (whilst Dean’s happily checking out all the men in the hangar) and it changes the way he sees himself and John, even if only slightly.

The other moment – discussed above – is his exorcism of the demon. I don’t mince my words about disliking Sam, but even I can see he had potential. He’s the weird kid who wanted a normal life, but because of cursed blood had that hope denied him. Series 4 shows us the beginning of what Sam could have turned into when his blood magic arc truly kicks off, and it could have been a riveting plotline if written and handled well. Think for example of Willow in Buffy and the journey she went on with her magic powers: there was real darkness in there, and a gargantuan struggle to overcome it and become stronger.

This exorcism reminds me of Willow’s first steps at witchcraft in 2x22 when she casts the spell to restore a certain character’s soul and we see the potential for true strength as she performs the spell with ease. This exorcism of Sam’s should have been something similar, and his demonic powers should not have been completely removed and forgotten about in 8x23. He could have been Supernatural’s answer to Willow, and the Dark!Sam arc in series 3-7 could have been the first in his descent into darkness and his fight back out to take control of his own powers and become the opposite of what Azazel wanted him to be.

But – and not for the last time – three words come to mind. Such potential, Supernatural.

You might remember I mentioned the tracking shot of Dean (and neglected to mention the revealing shot of his thighs and underwear). Paula R. Stiles’ suggestion that the fact the writers and director for this episode were men doesn’t cheapen it is one I don’t understand. Jensen is in my 100% objective and unbiased opinion one of the finest men alive, but exploiting that in order to draw in an audience does cheapen the show.

To be fair, Supernatural is hardly high culture and commercial television is about revenue, but things like that break the illusion of artistic integrity, just like not making Dean explicitly bisexual does because that’d scare away too much of the audience. If having scantily-clad women in a show or film is there for the male gaze and drawing in money, then so too are Dean’s thighs and buttocks, similarly cheapening the show. If the male gaze objectifies women, stripping them of their power and subjecting them to male desires, then the female gaze objectifies and strips men of any power they might have and subjects them to female desires.

If it’s bad for the gander, it should also be bad for the goose.

Neither do I think it matters one bit that the writer and director are men, or am I supposed to believe a woman has never encouraged or coerced another woman to flash a bit of boob in order to get men to empty their pockets? Claiming that presenting a person as an object of possible sexual attraction turns him into an ‛object’ is strange, and that claim’s only ever made when women are being presented for men’s enjoyment.

But let’s stick to Supernatural because I have work in the morning. To be honest, I never notice if a woman on screen is being subjected to a ‛male’ gaze because I have no sexual or romantic interest in women whatsoever: if a woman is supposed to be portrayed as appealing to men’s eyes, it’ll usually go straight over my head because it just doesn’t register as having anything to do with sex. Interesting, however, is that this begins the trend of treating Dean in certain ways that women are usually treated, or associating him with ‛feminine’ traits.

Some people go overboard with for example Dean’s association with and likeness to Mary, his taking on the parental (maternal?) role in Sam’s upbringing, his knack with children etc, and use it as evidence to suggest that any traditionally masculine behaviour – or masculine behaviour at all – from Dean is a performance to keep up an act so that he can hide how feminine he really is.

My take on this is quite different than the condescending viewpoint that a man behaving like a man is performing and pretending. Dean’s ‛feminine’ traits are not his ‛true’ self in opposition to his feigned masculine behaviour. There is absolutely no contradiction between Dean exhibiting ‛feminine’ traits such as being good with children, cooking, or trying his hardest to fill the role Mary would have filled, and being a masculine man who identifies very strongly with being male.

I do think it’s fascinating, though, and the complexity and depth of Dean as a male character is one of the reasons he is one of my favourite characters. We rarely get to see men who are very manly and also incredibly loving, loyal and paternal and who exhibit a normal range of human behaviours and interests, including ‛masculine’ and ‛feminine’. That’s what normal men are like, something television and film seem to have forgotten.

Regarding Dean in bed, note that he is a stomach sleeper (sleeping on your stomach keeps your tummy safe), and this is consistent throughout all fifteen years of the show. However, this early in the show he takes his trousers, outer shirts and shoes off, in contrast to sleeping fully dressed as he begins doing sometime rather soon. He’s alert and cautious this early in the show, but not yet quite so worn down that he can’t be bothered to get ready for bed.

Note also that both brothers have sleeping problems here. Dean knew Sam was still up at 3am, meaning Dean likely slept for less than three hours, having been woken up by Sam at 5:45.

The end of the episode presents the brothers with something to be hopeful about. John has a new mobile phone number, the first evidence they’ve had so far that he is very probably still alive. It’s not much to go on, and John does not answer Dean and Sam’s call, but it’s something the boys can latch on to and keep them searching for John. Whether or not they should be searching for John is another question altogether, though, but at least it got the plot going in 1x01.,

Phantom Traveler is a strong but flawed episode which builds on last week’s expansion of Dean’s character and role, as well as introducing demons and Hell into the lore. The cut scene where Dean has to remove all his concealed weapons before going into the airport really should have been kept in because it says a lot about his character, as does his sleeping with a blade under his pillow, but other than that, I’m happy to leave this episode now on a positive note.

[bywhatilove]

“The Friend Trap” Chapter Five

“Actually,” Fabian began as he stood up, “I’ll go talk to her.”

Before either Eddie or KT could interject by reminding him of the headspace Nina was in at the moment and that maybe it would be best to send either of them out there, he was out the door.

“Oh boy,” KT gulped as she laid her head onto her palms. “Why did I let you talk me into this?”

Eddie’s eyes widened with shock. “Me? Talk you into this? K.T, may I care to remind you that this was all your idea!”

“I was hoping you would forget about that…” she muttered under her breath. “We are screwed, Eddie. Nina is never going to forgive me for keeping all of this a secret from her. Fabian is going to be pissed at you for ambushing him.”

“Oh my god. Would you relax?” Eddie leaned back into his chair like he did not have a care in the world. “Nina and Fabian will thank us for this one day. Probably not today…. but someday.”

“Yeah. Okay. Sure.” KT stated out loud, mostly for her own benefit. She gestured towards an empty spot by the window, which would give the two a front seat for the Nina and Fabian reunite show. “I guess we should give them their privacy.”

Eddie nodded his head in agreement. Yet, not even a moment later, the two found themselves racing for the empty chair that would provide them with the best view.

“No fair!” K.T whisper-screamed as Eddie pounced down onto it first.

“As Nina’s Osarian and sworn protector, Fabian’s roommate and best friend AND the one who has known them longer, I think that I rightfully deserve the front row seat for their reunion.” Eddie replied as his eyes took focus on two of his best friends.

K.T rolled her eyes, but all of those were factual statements, and, well, you can’t argue with the facts. So, she begrudgingly took the seat behind him and strained her neck to get a view of what was going on.

Outside, Nina and Fabian had their backs turned away from the coffee shop facing towards the street, which meant that all KT and Eddie could see was their backside as Nina sat on a bench and Fabian stood behind her.

“Oh what I would give to be a fly on that bench,” K.T blurted.

“That’s a good sign,” Eddie noted as the pair watched as Fabian took the empty seat beside Nina.

A few moments of silence passed, with only the occasional hand gesture or body movement to understand what was being said. But that didn’t stop Eddie from providing his own commentary.

“Right now they are both professing their undying, unconditional love for their other. Nina is apologizing for leaving the way she did. Fabian is accepting it. They are making an oath to never break up again. Next, they are going to come in here holding hands being all adorable again and live happily ever after.”

K.T snickered. “Is that your osarian senses tingling or just your own Eddie Miller instincts.”

“That is just common sense,” he replied straight faced. “They are Nina and Fabian. They have survived much, much worse than this.”

Suddenly, Fabian stood up from the bench. He began walking back towards the shop before he stopped in his tracks. K.T and Eddie watched him tell Nina something without even allowing a glance back in her direction. His face was stone cold, nothing like the shy smile K.T and Eddie knew and loved. Whatever he said (K.T and Eddie had never wished they could read lips more than in this moment), must have delivered a final punch to Nina. She let her elbows fall onto her knees and her head collapsed into her palms.

“Hate to break it to you bud, but I think common sense failed ya.” K.T declared unwillingly.

“Go, go, go,” Eddie ushered K.T back away from the window and to their original table. The two barely made it back as the door opened and Fabian entered the room- looking absolutely pissed.

“I’m heading out,” he grunted, “going for a walk. I just need to clear my head. Text me your address, K.T, and I’ll be there later this evening.” He started to walk away towards the back door to ensure he wouldn’t have an awkward encounter with Nina on the way out. Just before he walked through the door, he turned his head almost as if he was about to say something more. Yet, he decided against it and left with a simple shake of the head.

K.T and Eddie glanced at one another.

“Well, with all considering, that wasn’t too bad.” K.T shrugged. The two had accepted a much worse blow up from their meddling. It wouldn’t have shocked them too much if Nina or Fabian refused to speak to them for a couple days. Or if Fabian had bought a ticket straight back to England on the earliest flight available. Or if Nina decided to escape the city by taking a spontaneous trip to see her gran.

Eddie gently shook his head. “Don’t get too relieved. Fabian has always been the more level headed and calm of those two. I love Nina, but she is known for acting impulsively and not the most level headed. It’s usually because of her love for her friends and determination to keep them safe, even if that means she has to brave all of problems on her own. Hence her leaving without a trace senior year….I’m rambling, aren’t I?”

K.T nodded her head. “You do that when you get nervous.”

An uncomfortable silence fell over the two as they sat and waited for the tidal wave that could be Nina Martin’s anger. They didn’t have to wait long, though, as Nina soon entered back into the shop. She didn’t look mad… but rather just upset. And somehow, that was all the much worse. Her eyes gave away that tears had recently escaped them and her red tinted face was proof of her distress.

“I’m just gonna head back to the apartment,” she gestured back towards the door. “I guess I’ll see you guys tonight.”

Neither K.T or Eddie had the chance to respond before she was out the door.

“She wasn’t mad at us, which is a lot better than I expected.” K.T began to nervously play with her nails.

Eddie let out a deep sigh before responding. “No, she wasn’t. But she looked so…”

“Broken.” K.T interjected.

“Yeah. They both did. Which honestly makes me feel a lot worse than I would have if they came back here guns-a-blazing and screaming at us.”

“What do you think is going to happen between the two of them? And I don’t want any of your fairytale happy ending b.s.”

Eddie took a moment to sit with this. He did want to give her his honest answer. “Honestly? I’ve heard stories from Amber and Patricia about infamous Fabian and Nina fights. Apparently they can be brutal sometimes. Yet, what neither realizes is that they are usually fighting over the same thing. Nina wants to keep Fabian safe by keeping him far away from any of her chosen one craziness and Fabian wants to keep Nina safe by being right by her side every time something happens. So eventually they erupt into some huge massive argument because they are both so darn stubborn. I mean...that is what this is all about, right?”

K.T looked puzzled like she wasn't quite following.

“Oh, yeah, I forget, I have known them longer and do know them better.” Eddie playfully nudged K.T with his shoulder before continuing. “Fabian is mad at Nina for leaving like she did and she left like she did because she was trying to protect Fabian and the rest of us. Obviously, it didn’t work because she didn’t take into account that egyptain gods and curses love to torture us with or without Nina around. So we just have to make both of them see that they were trying to achieve the same thing and ba-bang. They’re back together!”

“You make that sound a lot easier than it is going to be…” K.T huffed.

Eddie flicked his hand jokingly. “Pfff, no way Rush. My osarian senses are ah tingling and I can promise that everything is going to work out. Nina and Fabian are obviously meant for one another. Anyone can see it. Well, anyone but themselves that is.”

“Like you and Patricia are meant for one another?” She winked at Eddie. “How are you two, actually? With all the Fabian and Nina drama, I completely forgot to ask.”

“Amazing. I mean, long distance sucks butt. But, her university is only two hours drive from mine and Fabian’s. We’ll make it work. I know we will.” Eddie suddenly became fidgety, like he was nervous to say what came next. “She’s the one, ya know? I can’t see myself with anyone else.”

K.T responded by looking at him with adoration and a hint of something else. Something Eddie couldn’t put his finger one. “What is it?”

“Oh...it’s nothing,” K.T gently shook his head. “It’s just that, who knew Anubis House was such a place for matchmaking. You and Patricia. Nina and Fabian. Heck, even Willow and Alfie are still going strong. Sometimes I just feel like I missed out, that’s all.”

Eddie playfully hit her on the shoulder. “Hey now, I don’t want to hear any of that self-deprecation. You are a total catch, K.T Rush, and you are going to make one very, very lucky girl extremely happy one day.”

K.T jokingly rolled her eyes, but Eddie continued speaking. “Now, where is that tacky tourist New York City experience I was promised? I didn’t fly all the way here just to sit in a coffee shop all day and worry over Fabian and Nina. Let's go!” He grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the door. Eddie Miller was promised a tour of NYC, and a tour of it he shall receive.

A couple hours later, hours full of buying extremely tacky NYC decor from touristy shops, taking even more tacky selfies from NYC tourist staples and plenty of food pit stops. K.T and Eddie's phones dinged simultaneously. It was a text from Nina.

"Could y'all come back to the apartment? We need to talk."

"Oh boy," K.T breathed.

"Oh, boy, indeed," Eddie agreed. "Be there in 15." He responded to Nina's text as the two made their way towards the newest Subway stop and made their way back to K.T and Nina's apartment.

--------

When the two walked in, Nina was sitting on the couch.

"Nins, hey there girl!" K.T called out nervously, trying desperately to hide her nerves and caution the blow.

Nina turned her head and her expression was all but the smiling girl K.T had grown to love. "K.T...Eddie...."

"We can explain," Eddie began.

"I'm all ears," Nina gestured to the open seats beside her. Eddie and K.T sat beside her, looking like a couple deers who were caught in headlights. As much as they loved Nina, she could be pretty terrifying. Even without her ability to call on the Egyptian Gods whenever she pleased, an unhappy Nina Martin was a Nina you wanted to steer clear from.

“Where do we start? Why don't you go ahead, Eddie?" K.T shot her glance over towards the boy sitting next to her. "After all, what were you saying earlier, you have known Nina and Fabian the longest and you do know them better..as her osarian and all that fun stuff."

Eddie grimaced at the way K.T used his previous words against him like a weapon. "Yeah...where do we start?"

Nina interrupted him before he had the chance to begin, though. "How about how the two of you know one another? And what happened senior year?”

Eddie and K.T chuckled nervously. “That’s a really funny story, actually,” Eddie began.

“Eddie,” Nina pleaded, “I stayed away to try and protect you all from any more curses and danger craziness. You said something about a great evil? And, K.T, you know about Sibuna?”

No longer did Nina sound angry about Eddie and K.T messing around in her relationship with her and Fabian’s relationship nor was she sad about what Fabian had told her, but rather she sounded like a friend who was desperate to protect those whom she loved. So, K.T and Eddie told her everything. They told her of keys and visions, of crypts and frozen men, of secret sisters, of sinners and tricks and, as they told her, Nina’s heart broke with every word.