#I’ve heard the novels go more in depth to this but I wish it was in the game too

[kandyshoppe]

Something I wish twst to do is show trauma a bit better. And not just the OverBlotters! I want to see Ace and Deuce cover their necks whenever Riddle yells, I want to see Ruggie flinch whenever Leona’s hand gets too close, want to see Floyd and Jade watch Azul as he sleeps making sure he’s still breathing, I want Kalim to close his eyes whenever Jamil looks at him, I want Neige to carefully take a bite and wince at each movement, I want Idia to just hold Ortho so close, I want Lilia to flinch at each sound of thunder! I want to see them effected by what has happened to them and their friends.

[polyamorouspunk]

do you have any fantasy book recs that arent classics and also aren't like booktok shit?

Here’s a book tour of what’s on my shelf! I’ll go more in-depth on some of these books below as well as include books I don’t own but still fully support!

Savvy by Ingrid Law

If you know me at all you know that Savvy is my favorite book, enough that I literally named myself after it. Savvy is a great book and won many awards. There’s a 10-year edition out that you can buy now as well. Savvy is a great book as a stand-alone, but the other books in the series are pretty good too! Savvy is a great real-world fantasy coming-of-age in the most wild way possible. Basically a girl comes from a weird family who all get weird powers on their 13th birthday. Through a family tragedy, she ends up having to reveal her family’s secret to friends from church on a cross-state road trip where they meet colorful characters. Through her journey she learns what being a “teen” is like and decided to enforce boundaries for herself, which we totally support. This book is wholesome, and aimed for middle school readers who are transitioning from tweens to teens.

Pros:

Colorful characters

Just a really interesting story you’re going to find things in here you wouldn’t find in any other book. This really means the characters, and their lives. So much thought is put into these characters they’re so whacky they take on a life of their own

Very straight-forward. Since it’s a stand-alone book there’s no confusing overarching plot-line/story.

Great as a stand-alone or the rest of the series. If you like the book for what it is you can keep it to this book, but if you really like the characters and wish to see more of them, they all show up in the later books

Cons:

This is really made for a middle-school audience

There is a character who has a controversial name. She’s the main character in the third book but she’s a baby in this one. Honestly I this isn’t a con for me personally, I understand that books are the product of their time, and when I was 13 when this book came out I didn’t think there was anything wrong with her name, it’s only now as an adult that I’ve been online and seen concerns that people have raised about the name in general I understand this might be a con.

The Maze Runner by James Dashner

Who here hasn’t heard of The Maze Runner? I’m going to go through it anyway in case someone here hasn’t- and if you haven’t, then here’s my pitch: The Maze Runner, which only has a maze in some of the books but that’s okay, is a great post-apocalyptic book. If you liked The Hunger Games, you will like The Maze Runner. The Maze Runner starts in The Maze and the rest of the series details what happens outside of The Maze. I honestly can’t remember if I read the last book, I read up to The Death Cure at least. I only own the first book and that’s because I picked it up at a book sale. The last time I read this book I had My Chemical Romance’s Sleep playing, and it’s the only time I’ve ever been “scared” by a book other than reading Pet Semetary, so in terms of “scare” factor, this book is on par with Stephen King for me. As someone who really loves viral infection stories, this book has an added layer to it for me. This book borders on being horror, people die and they die horribly and I appreciate that in a teen book series.

Pros:

You can microdose on horror by reading these

These are such a classic they should be easy to find at any library

There are movies

Cons:

If you don’t like scary books maybe this isn’t for you

Your favorite character is dead

Female character isn’t the worst but some people had issue with her especially in the movies

There are movies

Battling Boy by Paul Pope

This is a graphic novel you’ve probably never heard of! I got this book advanced copy and it came with a t-shirt of the main character. This is a graphic novel about a petty god (?) boy who is supposed to take his father’s throne but his father (I think? It’s been a while) decides he’s a brat and banishes him until he learns some manners. If you like Marvel then this is a good graphic novel for you. I have literally no idea if there are more of these, I have no idea if the author has written anything else (I would assume he has), this book literally just dropped into my lap and I still have the shirt and the book and it really wasn’t bad at all.

Pros:

Graphic novel

Cons:

Pretty obscure

The Crowfield Curse by Pat Walsh

This is another book that magically fell in my lap! I’ve only read the first 2 books in this series, and the first was significantly better than the second. This book is set in Ye Old Fashioned Middle Ages times (castles, knights, stuff like that) and is a magic fantasy novel. It follows a younger boy who lives at basically a monastery and I’ll be honest I don’t remember what the plot is but he walks through the woods a lot to arrive at various destinations.

Pros:

He has the cutest little mythical creature (behind him on the cover) and it talks

He’s not the most interesting or relatable main character but he’s pretty chill

The monastery is a cool setting that I feel like isn’t visited a lot

I think there’s a cool cabin he visits too

The monsters (seen in the trees) are kind of cool

Cons:

Second book was a bit of a let-down

Aimed for middle school readers

The Tapestry by Henry H. Neff

This. Is. It. Everyone talks about wanting “good” H*rry P*tter replacements. Well here it is. The best H*rry P*tter replacement out there. I hate to diminish the series to only that, because there’s so much more to it. This book series, much like the one referenced, starts off pretty light-hearted and slowly gets darker and darker as the threat of the main villain becomes more and more real. This series has it all though. The story follows a boy who becomes a destined hero (think Percy Jackson) and his roommate who becomes a destined wizard (think H*rry P*tter) as they work together in a magic school where the teachers and staff are fighting this evil to try and overcome it.

Pros:

There is a gay ship waiting for you right there with Max (main character) and David (roommate)

David is just as important as Max in the story. David’s role is to support Max but at the same time he doesn’t take a back seat. He has his own missions and side-quests going on that the reader isn’t privy to until he tells Max about them

It’s not cannon probably but David is heavily aro/ace coded.

They. Have. Cute. Animals. Everyone at the school gets a “companion” mythical creature and Max’s is ADORABLE. You will fall in love with his little creature companion.

There’s a lot of Celtic references, so if you’re into that, this is a definite recommendation

Time-travel

Daring adventures outside the school in the “real-world” including some cool Day of the Dead stuff

Backstories on some characters/unlikely pairings that I really enjoy, as well as lore to the school

The villain is super charming. Like, Voldemort isn’t charming. He’s just a dick. This villain is charming and you almost end up liking him. Also, they don’t shy away from some dark stuff. There’s character deaths but there’s also a key body mutilation a character has to deal with (so, magical disability representation?)

Cons:

You will cry. Something happens and I’m not going to say what it is but it gets me every time and I cannot and will not forgive the author for it. You can’t just make me love something and then rip it away from me and expect me to be okay with it. Cruelty.

Indelible by Dawn Metcalf

Dawn Metcalf’s first book wasn’t anything I was really liked (but I own it!) but MAN she went OFF with this series. First of all, I just have to congratulate her on making a likable female main character. I love Joy, she’s great, she’s so relatable. Second off: polyamory rep! I love Inq, she’s such a great character, and all of her boyfriends supporting Joy as their like “sister-in-law” is wild. I love the dynamic between Joy and her dude-bro hoard. Also, I love the idea of having a human main character but the non-human main characters have the struggle of trying to decide who they are, and if they want to be human, because they don’t know who or what they are and their place in life. This series is 100% responsible for my poor dating choices because boy oh boy if you like sad emo boys this series is for you. Also I named one of my animals after the sad emo boy.

Pros:

Emo tattoo artist representation

Relatable main character. If my life got destroyed like hers did I would be pissed off too also yeah I would absolute fake-date an emo tattoo artist demon only to fall in love with him how could you not?

Literally sorry who doesn’t want to fuck a scalpel-wielding emo boy tattoo artist demon with black eyes and a sad pathetic nature but who gets murderous when anyone touches his precious human gf

The literally relationship anarchy that is Inq and her manwhore polycule also Inq’s relationship with Joy where she’s literally so fucking bisexual it’s insane

Actual good world-building

Cons:

Just that it’s more obscure so it might be harder to find

The Darkest Minds by Alexandra Bracken

I did not finish this series, after I got the first book before it was released for public sale I did hunt down some of the other books, at least the second one. This book is a post-apocalyptic dystopian book similar to The Hunger Games (I swear not every futuristic post-apocalyptic dystopian book is similar to the hunger games) where kids are enslaved in a type of prison and kind of like The X-Men their powers are rated by how “dangerous” they are. The book follows the main protagonist as she I think escapes the school either with some other kids or meets up with some other kids. She’s labeled as one of the more “dangerous” types, it goes by color and I believe hers is orange. Her and her companions are hunted down to be returned to their prison as they go on the run. The ending made me kind of sad (I’m not good with character breakups, I am not coping well with OFMD-) but the second book resolves it a little bit? Idk, I think I only read it like once or twice. and even then I only got to the second book. It wasn’t anything to write home about, as my mom says, but if you like the kind of Magneto storyline of him being in a… well, you know what I’m talking about… and you like the idea of that not being so real and having real-world events tied to them but the idea of a fictional prison that basically houses “mutants” who are dangerous, and you like YA romance, this book might be something you’d be interested in.

Pros:

Nice character dynamic with older girl and her younger girl companion

The special powers/post-apocalyptic type story honestly doesn’t really get old to me, even if the books themselves are mediocre

Hell yeah fuck the government

Cons:

If you don’t like that sweet, sweet YA romance taking up a good chunk of your stories this might not be the book series for you

Skulduggery Pleasant by Derek Landy

I read this series so much as a kid it’s insane. I own most of the books up to book 9, and I’ve read them all up to that. I’ve probably read this book at least 5 times. It never gets old. The series follows a girl who get dragged into the magical underground scene of London with a sarcastic talking skeleton detective. As the books go on you get the sense things are coming to a head, and a bigger, evil prophecy lurks over the adventures of each book, kind of like Percy Jackson.

Pros:

This series is hilarious. I’ve never read a series that’s as funny as this one. Every character is sarcastic and a twat in one way or another.

Valkyrie can be annoying, but you get the feeling that it’s because she’s growing up. She’s an amazing character overall, so even when she makes decisions that I, the reader, disagree with, I feel like it’s because she’s coming into her own person, and that I was that annoying at that age too.

There’s a LOT of these, and they are MASSIVE books. There’s not a lack of content here.

The relationship between Skulduggery and Valkyrie is written really well.

I wanted to be in this universe so badly growing up I wanted to be just like Tanith and Valkyrie and Skulduggery. They were formative characters for me who I aspired to be.

Cons:

I’m sorry. There’s a love triangle between the bad-boy sexy vampire and the polite and goofy fun-loving wholesome boy.

The books start to go off the rails in my opinion after book like 7ish. After book like 5 or 6 I feel like 7 is okay but not as good and then they go downhill from there. There’s more than the 9 I’ve read out, but I stopped reading after about book 9 just from growing out of reading/also feeling like they were going off the rails/I had to hunt down all these books and I own 7 of them which is a LOT especially when you’re like 15 and don’t have a job.

The queer rep is thrown in like book 7 or 8 and it’s literally like 1 sentence and it feels so shoehorned in and it’s like I could have lived perfectly fine with this character being straight like that would have been fine really you didn’t have to make her pansexual after the fact.

Stephanie being 12 when the book series started makes it hard for me to relate now that I’m 24 because I started reading it when I was probably like 11/12 and her growing up and doing more adult things was at times unrelatable to me as a kid (but I wanted to be her!!!) and now that I’m an adult it’s like oh wow she was a child and so was I and then she was “an adult” (15,16,17,18) but now I’m an adult and she’s still a child (15,16,17,18).

Septimus Heap by Angie Sage

If you like steampunk this book series is for you! It’s set in high fantasy, the time period is I guess kind of mideval? I mean they sleep on straw beds and have horse-drawn carriages so it’s certainly not like London circa 1920s or something. This book has trolls and dragons and all that magic shit. This book is cool if you like alchemy as well.

Pros:

This series only has 7 books because 7 is the important number in the series, meaning it didn’t have time to get bad. The books remain consistently decent.

The dragons and alchemy and all that stuff is cool!

Contains a friend group which is pretty neat. Some of them are probably autistic coded.

Did I mention the dragons

The town and cabin in the marshlands are cool fantasy settings, along with other locations in the story.

Cons:

I don’t really understand why some characters have names like Septimus and Beetle and other characters have names like Jenna and Marcia (also how to pronounce “Marcia” was a debate in my household for years and is probably the only thing I agreed with my dad on ever).

Jenna turned into a little bitch. I think she redeemed herself, and I support her joining a coven of witches, but she was just a dick for no reason and Beetle deserved better.

Legend by Marie Lu

This book series is so good, it’s a great little trilogy. The post-apocalyptic city-type setting is cool, it’s kind of starting to hit a little too close to home these days but 😅 the fact this is another book that deals with a mysterious virus and a shitty sketchy government is great and Day is the best character ever.

Pros:

Day. Best character ever.

Cool characters in The Resitance™️

Detailed. Very descriptive. Very easy to picture the characters and their outfits and the locations they’re in.

Dialect! The dialect in this book is amazing! Regional dialect among the poor vs the rich is a great concept to include. I used to say “cuz” way too much as a kid because I wanted to be like Day. Transgender moment.

A neat little triology. Not enough to go off the rails.

Cons:

Not one but two love triangles. Both are bad.

June? Sucks ass. My friends and I used to yell about how much we hated June.

The story that Day supposedly murdered Micah and June just refuses to believe him when he tells her he didn’t seems… unrealistic. Like idk maybe it’s me when I say “man if someone told me they had magic powers I would believe them instantly” or whatever but like her going back and forth on whether or not she believes him seems so wishy-washy. I get that the idea is she was raised in a cult and she is trying to break free of that cult and see the lies they told her (kind of like She-Ra?) but I feel like Adora picks up on that “oh my god I’ve been lied to this whole time! You ARE the good guys! A lot quicker than June. June drags her feet and it makes it annoying as a reader.

Also the revelation that Micah is [redacted] and June’s like I can’t believe he wouldn’t tell me 😭 like yeah girl you’re in a cult I probably wouldn’t have told you either. Sorry.

[itsawritblr]

How to write a fantastic pay-off.

I love The Blues.  My WIP novel involves The Blues.  So I love the flawed but still great and highly underrated 1986 movie Crossroads, starring Ralph Macchio and the late Joe Seneca.

One of the things I love and admire about it is how the screenplay sets up an excellent and thoroughly satisfying pay-off from the beginning.  Too few stories, in prose and in movies, know how to do this.  This is different than a Twist Ending.  This is when the story tells us something about the protagonist so we get to know him better, and this aspect of the protagonist is later crucial to the resolution of the story.  It’s not something pulled out suddenly to shock us and make us go “WHOA!”

In Crossroads, an elderly black man named Willie Brown recalls how, decades ago, he took Bluesman Robert Johnson’s advice and went to the crossroads to make a deal.

At the same time Eugene Martone is studying Classical Guitar at Julliard.  But his heart is with the Blues.  His instructor considers the Blues to be primitive and warns Eugene to stay away from it.  He can’t.  He switches back and forth between the two styles.

In a nutshell, Willie Brown convinces Eugene to help him return to the crossroads to break his deal with the Devil.  After several adventures in which Eugene grows as a musician and a person, they finally arrive.

Scratch challenges Eugene to a Cuttin’ Heads session with his star guitar player, Jack Butler.  If he can beat Jack, he and Willie go free.  If not, Scratch gets both their souls and drags them to Hell.

At first it seems the younger player can barely keep up with the man who’s sold his soul for his talent.  But then Eugene flips the outcome.

SPOILERS

At Julliard, Eugene was condemned for mixing Blues riffs with his Mozart.  But it’s his Classical training that saves him.  He mixes Classical with his Blues.  He plays a piece influenced directly by Niccolo Paganini’s Caprice No. 5, which we heard him practicing earlier in the film.  To add irony, Paganini was known as “the Devil’s violinist,” hinted to have made a deal with the Devil.  Eugene plays music composed by a man who supposedly had a deal with Scratch in order to defeat a man who has a deal with Scratch.

Jack Butler obviously never learned Classical guitar.  The depth of his talent is only shredding Rock.  He’s unable to reproduce the Classical composition.  At last, he gives up.  Eugene and Willie win.

This is a perfect circle from the beginning, when Eugene was told to only stick to one genre, to Eugene’s love and practice in both musical styles saving he and his friend.  It’s not a Twist.  It makes absolute, almost inevitable sense, and is therefore very satisfying.

Twist Ending are more often than not for shock value, to make the reader or viewer gasp.  Sometimes there are enough hints so that we don’t feel the story pulled the surprise out of its ass, but it’s common to feel we were somehow not given enough info so that we could have guessed that this was coming.

Crossroads doesn’t spring it on us that Eugene knows how to play Paganini; we’ve known it all along.  We know he’s talented enough to switch from Blues to Classical.  It only makes sense that, when facing that he can’t shred like Butler, he falls back on what he can do, what we know he can do.  It’s not a shock, it’s a “Well fuck yeah, of course he can do that!”  And judging from what we see of cocky as shit Jack Butler, we immediately assess that he’s some guy who loves hard rock but probably never heard of Paganini.

I sure wish more stories would have endings like this.  Over the last 3 years I’ve read literal piles of novels, for adults and children, where the author writes a killer first chapter, stumbles in the middle, and falls on his or her face at the end.  It’s because writers listen too much to advice online, and in MFA writing classes, about how you must grab the reader by the throat in the first line of the first paragraph of the first page of the first chapter.  Hardly any instructor teaches, or knows how to teach, how to continue the plot to an end that makes the reader want to read or watch the story over and over.

A note about the Late Robert Judd as Scratch.  No one could have done the role better.  From Wikipedia, “’he's level-headed and all-business . . . it's a welcome respite from so many hammy portrayals by actors who feel the need to portray the Devil as some kind of unhinged lunatic.”

BTW, you can get a Eugene vs Jack Butler t-shirt. ;-)

[mgsapphire]

What’s in a name

As an avid literature reader, if there’s one quote I think that has been quoted so much it has lost its meaning, it’s this quote:

What’s in a name? That which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet.

We all know the Shakespearean quote, engraved in souvenir cups and tattooed on people’s back. And yet, with today’s closing scene of Doom at your Service, that’s the only quote I could think of, even if it’s not related at all to the plot.

But names are powerful. And it’s not the meaning we give to them, but the ways others call for it. As much as we wish to be entities separate of other people’s perception of ourselves, we need those perceptions for our existence.

I won’t go into the tree in the forest dilemma, but take it as me saying there’s no tree if no one heard it. 

If you’re aware of the context in which the quote Juliet uttered was, you may know that I’m dissecting this whole thing backwards. Juliet basically says, that if Romeo were to get rid of his name, he would still be Romeo, the Romeo she loves.

This part previously said forces me to divide this rant (essay sounds prettier, but is it?) in two parts, what Doom is, despite having no name, and who Tak Dong Kyung is because of her name.

Doom, life and death

For this part right here, I’m going to use my own posts as references, you can find them here in my blog, as poorly done gifs titled Every time Doom was described. Doom has no name, but he has many descriptions. God did me the favor of piling them up this episode, but I’m going to list some descriptions for you real quick:

You’re a butterfly.

I’m Evil.

I’m [...] the last. The end.

I’m just a button of doom. Everything about me leads to doom.

You’re winter, darkness and death.

None of these, out of context have necessarily good connotations. But today, God did a good job explaining why they were good. He exists for balance to exist. He is the balance to God’s creation. In mythologies and lore, there’s always a simultaneous creation of lightness and darkness. As if everything coexisted from the beginning. However, in Doom at your Service, darkness come after lightness, because lightness realized, we need shadows for a garden to rest.

For Doom, since he has no name, but that of darkness, evil and destruction, it is impossible for him to be loved. And in comes Tak Dong Kyung, the Juliet in this bizarre odyssey, who says, I’ve seen Doom so many times, I can’t distinguish between it and luck.

At some point in episodes 3 and 4, she even describes him at fate. This is something he’s dumbfounded about, for him, fate has always had a bad connotation. That’s why he said he was her fate, a bad one.

Even when she said he was winter, darkness and death, she meant those words as a compliment. It was Dong Kyung’s way of saying, you are needed and you are necessary, and what you do is beautiful.

For her, after doom, always comes luck, and so, for her, Doom is her lucky charm. The same way that for Juliet, Romeo is her beloved, even if she’s supposed to hate him.

Tak Dong Kyung and the ultimate power of calling out to someone

This part was the part that made me want to do this post. The montage of all the times people called out to her when she was feeling at her worst. The parts doom didn’t see in the trip God sent him to (expect a separate post about this). After every misfortune she had, Dong Kyung always had someone to remind her not everything was all that bad.

I was reminded of the stylistic decision of the Word of Honor script writer of having A Xu call out Wen KeXing’s full name. The writer once said that there was nothing more romantic than calling out the full name of the one you love and them answering back “why do you call my name so sweetly?”*. There’s a power in calling out to someone.

The way our name is called often tells us about other people’s intentions of approach. When our mother call us by our full names, it’s often to reprimand us, when someone our loved one calls out our name softly, it’s often with tender intentions. And when someone calls out for us in a crowd, it’s because they want us to notice them.

Tak Dong Kyung is often called out by her loved ones in that way. Doom calls out to her in that way, notice me, notice my silent devotion for you, notice the turmoil going on in my heart.

And here’s the funny thing, in Hanja, 동경 means longing**. It’s interesting how much thought the writers put into the characters.

Dong Kyung has always longed to not be abandoned, to live a better life, to be loved. And in turn, Doom longs to love her and to be loved by her.  So he calls out to her.

Dong Kyung says:

My life always consisted between the misfortune of the front page and the back page that cannot be flipped to, waiting for an answer. At the end, that person who will call me. That kind of answer.

For her, someone calling out to her is what pulls her out of her misery, her sadness. For her, the next page is always in company of another person.

And it’s the power our name conveys in the lips of others that left me in awe once again. It is sometimes the thing we need; someone calling out to us to pull us out of the darkness of our thoughts.

The following are addendums, not relevant to the post, per se:

*Word of Honor is a Chinese BL adaptation of Faraway Wanderers, a chinese web novel by Priest. Due to censorship, screenwriters often have to find loopholes to convey the true depth of the love between characters. Great YouTube channels that make analysis about c-dramas and Word of Honor in particular are AvenueX and Chinese star news. I honestly don't remember which of the two gave out that piece of information.

**Hanja refers to the incorporation of chinese meanings and characters in Korean language. This can be seen throughout the korean language, but it is specially relevant in the naming process.

[life-rewritten]

WE BEST LOVE  (Fighting Mr 2nd) DEYI and The Theme of Control and Power

You know that show that you know you can talk about forever and be obsessed with, although it seems pretty simple and not really that complicated to analyse and break down? Well, We Best Love (WBL) is precisely that in the most amazing way. I'm not shocked because I've always been a fan of the History Series, especially with this writer and how she creates her projects; it's not surprising that WBL happens to be the most comfortable show to lean into. It feels like entering a cheesy, cute, romantic novel. Yet, it still is the most angsty, passionate, drama-filled plot enough to make you want to run into the screen and comfort these comfort characters, scream at them when they're not making sense, and keep watching despite the pain when you feel like they've gone too far. And I kept quiet and watched season 1 of WBL. I was entranced and in love because it was so simple, but it felt perfect for me; it was a distraction, it made me smile, and it also made my heart quiver. I adored all the actors, and I also enjoyed how the storyline was told. It doesn't have to be so deep and full of clues, but there were facets to the characters, clear set rules in understanding their character roles, and small hints building in the last episode that all was not well and a lot was coming for our couple in the future. It broke my heart because season 1 was focused on the immaturity and naiveness of how we feel when we enter university for the first time; the excitement, but still innocence of hopefully finding someone to mesh with, and yet the dumbness/naivety that can distract us or slow us down before knowing who that person is. Season 1 was light, funny, and sweet because that's how our doe-eyed souls feel when we first enter college and get to discover who we are. Season 2, on the other hand, is focusing on maturity, actually dealing with our flaws, coping with the responsibilities and hardships of life, duty and obligation vs wants and need; the characters are older now, affected by the world's cruelties/situations and now have walls up higher than before. 

And in order to help us get that vibe, even more, our couple's relationship is put through the wringer, hearts torn, misunderstandings prolonged unfairly, and everyone broken just staying in a state of pining, longing and anger, anger, at what was lost to them; the innocence/fun of falling in love, the guise of being in control, and the joy of being free and dumb in love. It isn't a surprise to see our main character, Shide and Shu Yi, see their flaws fleshed out more in the open and actually increased and exposed for us, the audience, to watch and dislike. Shu Yi's short temper becomes even more exposed as he struggles to have control over his past and feelings for Shide once they reunite, and Shide's withdrawal of emotions also becomes even more strained and put on focus as he also realises what he has lost. Both of them enter this sick twisted, and tense need for control and power that their relationship becomes intense and full of passion hidden behind the anger and resentment. So I'm going to break down the idea of Control and Power with these twos relationship, a certain theme that has been there since season 1, and why now it's something both rivals are struggling to obtain to win, especially Shuyi, who is determined this time to not be Mr 2nd when it comes to Shide again. Hence the title Fighting Mr 2nd.

Misunderstandings and Miscommunications

Let's first focus on the miscommunication/ separation at hand. This exposed so much already about how these two felt about the power they hold over the other. Let's first look at what season 1 exposed; for Shide, Shuyi has always had control over him since the moment his young self told him that he would be a companion to him whenever he was lonely. Shide has desperately loved Shuyi and did everything possible to ensure he kept Shuyi's focus on him no matter what. The way he decided to do this was to put himself in a place more powerful than Shuyi; he put himself always ahead of Shuyi, ensuring he was always number one no matter what. This was how he controlled the situation; for him, as long as Shuyi noticed him, he was happy to continue hoping for a change and also making him react. In Shide's mind, he never wanted to force/ make Shuyi fall for him because he didn't think it was possible. He just wanted to be by his side (as a 'friend') until graduation was over.This shows me already some stuff about their relationship. How Shide perceives Shuyi; one, he didn't trust in Shuyi's love as being as strong as he was. He even says it to Shuyi on the bridge when they confessed to each other. For him, Shuyi was always the 'lucky' one; the one in control, the real winner because he had him in his palm of his hand. Shuyi was the one who made him whipped, the one he chased after secretly for 8 years or more. Shuyi has always been the one with the hold over him. Immediately they got together, Shide also tells Shouyi his confusion but the happiness that Shuyi is also feeling the same towards him.

Shide can't believe the switch in Shuyi's personality and actions for him; Shuyi still tried to play of Shide's grand confessions of love in the last episode, and Shide was okay as long as Shuyi kept paying attention to him. But in my head, it showed that Shide didn't think Shuyi's love was as unconditional, as strong, as uncontrollable as his. He didn't know he had any hold over Shuyi. He thought it was his constant love and chase that won Shuyi in the end, so what happens when he thinks he pushed Shuyi away? In Shide's perspective, he's the one who slacked behind and pushed Shuyi away by disappearing for 5 years, which fair enough makes sense; Shuyi has every right to be angry at being ghosted. But Shide blames himself and thinks it's because his show of love was weakened and slowed down that it caused Shuyi to retreat and walk away easily. Because he wasn't fighting anymore for their love, he lost Shuyi's attention. Again this suggests how fickle he believes Shuyi's feelings are and how still in his head he believes he's the one with the long-lasting love/feelings.

Shide's personality is someone who likes to be in control (like Shuyi but for different ways and reasons); he's kind of had to always be; ever since his dad died, he's had to try and make it his goal to become stronger and better to take care of his mum, and to ensure they live well. This is connected to the theme of Duty and Obligation in the show.  Even in Season 1, the reason he has to leave for America for a bit is to ensure his mum settles in nicely. Even after that, he's again the one responsible for ensuring whoever was sick in America was taken care of. It's because of his need to be responsible and be in control that Shuyi always feels distanced from him (mocked, misunderstood, and hurt). Shide is someone who likes to keep a calm demeanour. He likes to take things on by himself; he likes to not show when he's hurting or alone (apart from that one time as a kid where he broke down on Shuyi). In fact, it might be because Shuyi is the only one who did see him in his vulnerable state and gave him an aim to become stronger that made him cling on to his love for him and devote himself to his love for him. But in looking so in control of his emotions, Shuyi always saw Shide as someone who loved winning and making him feel like a fool. In season 1, he thought Shide did it on purpose to see him lose control and be a mess, and in season 2, he's resorted back to that thinking. Let's look at why?

No 1 for You (Shide’s pov)  vs Fighting Mr 2nd (Shuyi’s pov)

Shuyi did not also understand the proper depth of Shide's feelings. I guess we should have seen it coming that he didn't fully understand how deep they were, he had heard ideas from Shide's mother, he had heard grand declarations from Shide (after he was the one to pry it out of him), but he didn't actually trust it fully. I think because he didn't fully trust both their sexualities and identities when it came to their feelings. Like I said, we should have seen it coming when he admits he doesn't want to fall for a guy, but also it's because it's Shide he's okay with being in love. However, people complained about this because in BL, we're tired of the I love you, not boys trajectory always chosen. However, it was more than that. I think because of what's embedded in people's minds at a young age (due to society),  there might have also been, as a result of that,  hints of internalised homophobia (IH) with Shuyi. And that's why it made sense for him to wither and assume that Shide truly would be with someone else and be married and have kids. Because of IH, Shuyi may have automatically thought it made sense that Shide would move on, get married and have kids in America (hence as he said in episode 1,  he was disqualified by choice) because, in his head, he didn't understand Shide's love and devotion for him.

It also points to insecurity and fear that he might not be enough/the better option for Shide. One of his pet peeves was that he was always coming second to Shide, he was always being seen by himself as second best, and he probably also thought he had become the second-best option to Shide living a great 'fulfilled' life according to 'society' where he is married to a wife and has kids. This is why in the special episode, he also gives up easily and wishes him the best refusing to actually question why Shide would do this to him after all the stupid and grand promises he made a year ago before he left. Promises of marriage, promises of devotion, of being his family etc. Of course, this felt like Shuyi was thoroughly mocked and lowered because he had lost again to Shide by letting his heart trust him and wait for him. Now, in season 2, he's determined to not do that too. To not lose control of his heart ever again. To not fail to Shide in any way, shape or form ever again.

Shuyi; The Guise of Control

Shide is always acting on the surface like he's in control, causing Shuyi to always think he's more vulnerable and a fool, and it makes season 2 make more sense. Even if Shide says, he'll make Shuyi look at him again, how on earth is he meant to ever let that happen? He literally manipulated the situation in season 1 and got Shuyi's walls down only for him just to cheat on him, so how can Shuyi trust just his actions on the surface?

No matter how devoted Shide is looking, even at the end finally showing a hint of losing control under Shuyi's hold which Shuyi was not expecting because he thought Shide will always want to again be 'proper'.  And in the past, it was Shuyi who always pushed for skinship once they started dating; Shide always again acted like he hadn't been affected; this was discussed actually in that final episode. Even if on the surface Shide looked affected, Shuyi wouldn't trust that. Because Shide is always holding back whilst Shuyi always feels like a fool, never being able to control himself around him, never being able to control his emotions or have a poker face around him. From the first episode in season 1, Shuyi has always been uncontrollable when it came to Shide, whilst Shide always came out looking cool.

Shuyi always ended up in the most vulnerable shameful state (forgetfully hurting himself in reaction to Shide's presence, being the one distracted and bothered by skinship in the last episode whilst Shide studied, or even being exposed and screaming down a bridge, his love for Shide to make Shide come out and say how he feels). Shuyi always ended up being weakened and frustrated because Shide seemed like he had everything in order. Shuyi is now adamant he's lying or that Shuyi is still the one who's more in love with him (his biggest fear). For example, the slap he gives to Shide (exposed his lack of control of emotions around Shide) and yet Shide immediately tried to control the situation, making Shuyi again look like the irrational one and the most affected one. Also, as mentioned it Shuyi (in Shuyi's head), who proceeded to force/get Shide to confess. Because Shide was too focused on controlling his environment, avoiding the situation, holding back his feelings, whilst Shuyi's emotions always get the best of him and caused him to still lose in front of Shide. Basically letting Shide get his way all the time. And by doing that, it was Shuyi who ended up waiting for a year and then being 'cheated' on, being ghosted with his heart shattered.

The Fear of Weakness and Vulnerability

Other examples are Shide going to Shuyi's house and ignoring him in his own home (again, Shuyi can't even control his environment when it comes to Shide, everything he owns feels little because Shide seems to have a hold over him in everything), and proceeding to make him the fried rice. Even as the vice president who's meant to be in control and be in charge of letting go of people (which his father is pressuring him to do, he has no choice in the matter), Shide is the CEO (a higher position)  of the company and is adamant on convincing Shuyi to do no such thing. It's a big fear to Shuyi, which is why he's determined to ensure he does fire these people because if he doesn't, It means he's again coinciding underneath Shide's hold over him, over everything he has, including his heart.

The act of making fried rice in Shuyi's house as if nothing is going on, Shide ignoring his tantrums and outbursts does again what Shuyi hates, makes him feel stupid, weak and vulnerable. It makes him feel like he's losing again to Shide. This is why I think he really has no other option in his mind to win but to use emotions and feelings (what he can't control) as a weapon to capture Shide. By making Shide fall for him emotionally and then being the one to break his heart, that's how Shuyi thinks he'll finally be able to break down Shide's calm, façade that he's always in control, that's how he stops being Mr Second. Obviously, it's a stupid idea because Shuyi literally becomes weakened just by being in Shide's presence. To be anywhere intimate with him, he will only resort to his own emotions being, even more, harder to handle even if he tries to play it off as just attraction.

And for both of them, control is even harder physically with emotions because they've been 'starved' of each other's presence for 5 years, of each other's touch and connection. As shown in episode 1 of FMS, they're both in a state of pining, longing and waiting for one of them to give in. For 5 years, Shuyi was secretly fighting against the truth that he had been waiting for Shide to return even when he tried to focus all his energy and heart into hate and bitterness (to distract him from the pain of waiting). Shuyi never wanted to give up on hope, never wanted to let go of Shide, because it's out of his control to forget or move on. He couldn't do that even if he tried. This is why he also tries again to use a power play with a fake girlfriend that he couldn't remember the name for.  Every single sentence he said was how he compared himself to the girl he thought Shide cheated on him with. He was saying it to hurt Shide, but in the end, he was still exposing his own hurt and insecurity about why he thought Shide left him.

Shide; Control Vs Sacrifice

Meanwhile, the audience all know that, on the other hand, Shide is the one who has no control over the matter. No matter what he seems like on the surface/ in front of Shuyi, Shide is completely tired, weak and frustrated once he sees Shuyi again. It's frustrating because the only time he shows his emotions is once Shuyi isn't looking; he cries only after Shuyi has left, always holding his feelings and only letting it out when he's by himself. Although to Shuyi, it seems he's in control, being the CEO, being the one who disappeared for 5 years, being the one who is successful and influential, Shuyi couldn't be more opposite in his thoughts. Shide has no control over the CEO position; it's not a job he chose for himself, it's not what he wanted to do, he did it because of again his responsibility to his mother and family. Shide isn't the one who chose to disappear for 5 years in America; he again had no control over the situation because someone else was ill, and he had to be the one to help his family again become stable. And lastly, Shide isn't successful and as influential as he's sold his company to Shuyi's father, so he actually isn't in control of his position, of his life essentially. What Shuyi sees as control is unfortunate because it's actually Shide's sacrifice; he's had to lose what he actually wants to be in that position. All he's ever wanted is Shuyi. Ironic no?

Even in Season 1, when he seemed to be the one controlling the situation, he wasn't; he always did everything to get Shuyi, and for 8 years him being 'in control/winner' as Shuyi puts it wasn't him winning because he always didn't get Shuyi's heart before he confessed. And that's what's so heartbreaking about Shuyi's misunderstanding of Shide; when he first sees Shide in the past in his memories, he doesn't know the moment Shide fell for him; he just sees Shide winning over him, he doesn't even notice the first person who had control over the other was him, because he already took Shide's heart, trust and devotion. This is why Shide told him he was the lucky one; he was the one who was winning, who was always in control. Not Shide.

Love and It’s Hold and Power

And again, although Shide is the one he thinks he's second-best to. Shuyi has a lot of power over everyone else since he was young. He's been a spoilt, rich boy who's had control over his friends (in a positive way like they felt they had to watch him and babysit him), he's had control due to his father's power, and he's had control now over Shide just due to again his father's job and his heritage. And I think that's why he can't stand the fact that no matter what he does when he's with Shide, he loses all of that power; he's reduced to wanting to do something for someone, like in season 1, washing the dishes, being humble, exposing his feelings to Shide so loudly and vulnerably. Shide is the only person who makes him want to do all that, and he hates it. It's why when the employees in episode 1 call him again Shide's girlfriend (even though literally Shide bending down to tie his laces is an act of losing control and him being in control of him), it bothers him because it makes him look weak. He's the one flustered by the actions; his heart is shaken by the movement. What he sees about Shide vs what's genuinely being shown/exposed is so opposite, so of course, they're more prone to misunderstandings because they've always both seen the situation very differently.

So WBL has always been using this theme of Control vs Power with Shide and Shuyi. And how, because of love, both of them feel this lack of control over each other. Mostly from season 1, when Shide gets closer to Shuyi using the idea of rivalry to see who can win over each other, even though he gives in always to Shuyi on purpose. Shuyi's misunderstanding has always been an issue since episode 1, since even when Shide kissed him in the pool. This time around in season 2, we get to deal with the actual seriousness/reciprocation of what that misunderstanding and fear of lack of control can do to them. And how others can manipulate that (Shuyi's father probably). Either way, these twos relationship has become angst central because Shuyi really is fighting Mr second, he's determined this time not to lose to Shide no matter what and he's finally using like the last way he can possibly gain control over Shide. His body. The most vulnerable part of a person is exposed when they sleep with someone else; by getting Shide to even want to give in to him as he requested, he can expose everything about Shide, his weakness, his heart, his truths. Hence, it makes sense the relationship is using attraction and chemistry as a powerful tool for the storyline. Shuyi isn't going to be able to even go through with anything because he's just as vulnerable and weak with Shide as Shide is with him.

I love angst, and I love power plays and fight for control in rivals to lovers stories. I love misunderstandings and requited, but they don't know the trope. I just really enjoy WBL, and I'm so excited to see what happens next. Looks like Shide is finally going to lose that façade he has on the surface once he breaks down under the influence of alcohol; probably, poor boy has been suffering so much. And I think both of them will soon need to gain control over their situation together so they can defeat the obstacles that come in the form of Shuyi's father, society, company issues etc. So yeh, I'm loving this, and it's such a breath of fresh air. Friday is too far away, sigh.

[yoursecretmuse]

My Perception On No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai

🥀 This year has brought me many joys, that have left me with melancholy victories. I have been venturing out of my usual book genres and I've found a selection of well to do books that I simply cannot live without. How I've existed this far without them, I will never know. There are many different types of literature out there and of course I only focus on English and European Literature. Not because I'm bias  in some way. But I've always found American and European culture very interesting. Despite ignoring my very own culture. It had never occurred to me, that until now, I have never heard of Asian Literature. It's like an unknown phenomenon that no one speaks of. When I think back of my studies in school, I've never even heard of my teachers mentioning Asian writers at all. It was like they didn't exist or people found Asian culture not important enough to read about. Which is odd because in Asian countries they have liberties filled with European novel and American novels. Is it safe to say that Asian people find European and American culture interesting, though we do not share the same feelings toward them. Nevertheless, I stumbled upon Osamu Dazai after reading a mutual friends post about Vincent Van Gogh. It was a silly meme that consisted of Van Gogh and Osamu talking over their depression. Which is not something to joke about but I must confess I found it humorous. Through that humor, I decided to research Osamu and the rest is history. So, here is my thoughts on the exceptional book, No Longer Human. I want to give an in-depth review without giving the book away too much (if at all). But I must warn you that spoilers may become a possibility. No Longer Human is broken into three parts, including an introduction in the beginning by Donald Keene, as well as a Prologue & Epilogue by Osamu Dazai himself. So, to make things easier to understand, I'm going to review each part individually.

The Introduction Normally, I would skip this part of the book because at times it can be very boring and bland. But after reading The Sorrows of Young Werther by Johaan Wolfgang Von Goethe, I found it important to read book introductions because they can have valuable information about the writer. In this section, Donald Keene noted how under appreciated Asian writer are in literature. For some odd reason, American & Europeans cultures specifically seem to feel like we cannot learn anything from Asian culture. Perhaps it has something to do with our history with going to battle with certain Asian countries. Yet, that did not stop countries like Japan and China from filling their liberties with American & European literature. Which upsets me. Had it not been for Van Gogh, I would have missed out on an extremely talented writer. I'm not sure who is to blame for this but I find the idea of not representing Asian writers outside of manga is shameful and sad. There is more to their culture than just that. However, as a whole our world only views Asian people in a small and certain light, that barely gives them any kind of positive recognition outside of the obvious stereotypes. In short, I really urge everyone to take time and read the introduction and share your thoughts on Keene's and my views. What do you think and why is Asian literature so lost and underrepresented? Why do Asian writers rather be on the bottom of American top writing lists, than the top of Asian writer lists? It is very interesting.

🥀

The Prologue In this section, you learn of how Ōba Yōzō (aka Dazai himself) feels alienated and very much of a misfit. He tells you how all of his life he has worn a mask to hid his true sensitive and self destructive self. He harshly criticizes himself and informs you of how he feels about the nature of "humans" and how he never felt like one, thus making him believe that he is not. I like this part of the novel because I can relate to it in so many ways. Many things he explained and said is how I felt (and still very much feel) about myself. Not only of my appearance and state of being but also without people. We both share the same reflection on our confidence or lack there of as a child. I shared his thoughts on normality being ugly and being bland and not standing out is worse than being ugly or beautiful. He even goes on to explain that death has more of a soul or an expression than him. The ugly/void he felt as a child (as well as his whole life) has manifested into a visible void, that crept from his inner darkness and it carries a bland look. Which to me speaks volumes. 🥀

The First Notebook Unable to cope with the world around him, Ōba begins to become a jokester and class clown, in order to mask away the alienation that he feels. He engages in planned fails and acts as if he has no clue as to what he does. He tells us of his environment at home. His father always being gone on business and his mother he did not mention much. He speaks of his maids/servants mistreating him, but he never reported them because he sees it as pointless. We also learn he views a "human" as someone who is happy and hopeful. Perhaps, attractive in some way and could possibly have a great deal or comfortable amount of money. Which is strange because his family were quite wealthy and well known. He speaks of how he feels his life is a shame and the life of a "human" was not cut out for him. There is much more to be said here but I do not wish to spoil everything. I still want readers to get a wow factor from this book, without knowing every details and topic. 🥀

The Second Notebook A very key factor in this part is that Ōba is caught by another student named Takeichi who suspects and confronts him on faking his fall during "gym" class. This sends Ōba into a manic behavior and he somewhat becomes obsessed with Takeichi and fears that he will expose him for being a fraud. I found this interesting given Takeichi had no intention on exposing Ōba or telling anyone about his opinions on his stunts. Certain things happens and the two become somewhat of friends and Takeichi began to mention things to Ōba that were predicting and in a way life changing for Ōba. Ōba also finds an strong interest in art, which leads him to start painting. Ōba also becomes apart of a communist group and becomes a respectable member. Though, he does not share their same views and is only there because he views them as misfits. In this section, a young man now, Ōba meets someone by the name of Horiki. Horiki is also a college student but exposes Ōba into an unfortunate and dreadful life cycles, that pleasures and destroys him further. He also tries to commit suicide with a woman named Tsuneko, who dies but he does not. This even tears him apart and causes his family to the verge of disowning him. 🥀

The Third Notebook: Part One Ōba begans to have multiple affairs with different women, from different walks of life. He becomes a heavy drinker and is expelled from college. He becomes too focus on self destruction, he was not able to create or focus on his artwork. He tries to quite smoking and drinking. But struggles terribly. He marries a young girl, who tries to encourage him to stop drinking and for awhile it works. And for a moment Ōba is happy. The two both marry and move in together. 🥀

The Third Notebook: Part Two Working as a cartoon and sober, Ōba feels somber toward marriage life. He thinks of his wife as native and innocent. But he falls into bad habits once he is visited by an old friend named Horiki, who (with Ōba) witnesses Ōba's wife being sexually assaulted by an associate friend. Ōba begins to blame himself, as well as his wife and becomes manic and fills himself with alcohol and is committed into a mental hospital. After leaving his wife for another woman. This parts ends with him being brought to a home that his brother purchased for him and given the money he needed for living and personal interest. Ōba is left feeling empty and recounts his choices and views of hisself. 🥀

Epilogue We are then given the prospective of an outsider, who wanted to meet Ōba but fails. He then meets a friend of Ōba and she gives him the three notebooks. The man is intrigued by the notebooks and decides to publish them. We are left with a reflects of Ōba's friend telling us that he was a kind and gentle soul, who made everyone laugh and smile. 🥀

My Final Thoughts I believe this is one of the greatest books that I have read. I love the rawness of this book and I adore how the events were true. I feel that Osamu Dazai was a great writer and his death is very unfortunate. I find the way he told his life very interesting and beautiful and poetic. I wish I was able to meet him and praise him for being an amazing artist and writer. But the result would probably remain the same. There is so much that we can learn from Osamu and his life. His perception on life and people is very interesting and a very rare viewpoint on life. I highly suggest that everyone checkout this novel and spread the works of Asian Literature. Thanks For Listening. -𝓒

[gffa]

hello lumi! I just want to say that I absolutely adore your blog and you’re honestly one of the people that took me from casual Star Wars movie fan to someone more interested in legends and the extended canon. Just thank you for everything that you do, following you has been a delight. :)

I have kind of a large request so please don’t feel the need to respond if you don’t want to but you’re the person that came to mind when I first started looking into this. So basically I wanted to start going through all of the canon Star Wars media and books but looking at the lists of canon material, I realized there was lots of media that I’m interested in reading/playing that is not canon like the Knights of the Old Republic games or the Jedi Apprentice series. It just got me thinking about other really good Star Wars books or comics that I would be skipping over just going by canon content. So my question is this, for someone just dipping their toes into Legends, what are your recommendations for must-reads and where do they fit in the canon timeline? Again, no worries if you don’t want to answer, I know this can be a loaded question. Happy belated birthday and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day/night!!!

Hi!  Thank you for the birthday wishes!!  And for the very kind comments, I am deeply honored to have helped dragged you into this hellpit and also terribly sorry about it at the same time. 😂 I don’t mind giving Legends recs, as long as you know that my frame of reference with them isn’t as strong as my LF canon one is (and even that’s been waning as the books get less and less satisfying for me) so I’m not going to be able to give as wide of a recommendation set as you might hope. But I can give you some good places to start! - Revenge of the Sith by Matthew Stover is one of those books that set the standard for novelizing a movie and adding onto it, it takes an already great movie and just knocks it out of the park with all the depth it gives the story.  I’d also recommend Shatterpoint by him as well, though, I haven’t gotten terribly far into it yet, it’s Stover, so I’ll recommend it. - Wild Space by Karen Miller is a book that I can’t necessarily say is good, but that it’s still probably my favorite SW book ever just because it’s so incredibly quotable.  I have a lot of issues with it (it’s not great at Jedi philosophy, it doesn’t earn its ending, it feels like two separate books stitched together, etc.), but the sheer amount of HIGH DRAMA and how hilarious that is, as well as quotes I love to pull from it make for a scream of a read. - Yoda: Dark Rendezvous by Sean Stewart is probably the book that best captures the Jedi, as well as Yoda’s character and Dooku feelings, so I would highly recommend this one, too! -  I haven’t finished either Labyrinth of Evil or The Rise of Darth Vader by James Luceno, but I’ve liked everything I’ve read from him before, so I give these a cautious rec.  I’ve also heard good about The Cestus Deception and Darth Plagueis. - I think the Republic series of comics is pretty worth reading, though, sometimes it can get pretty wild.  If you have a strong stomach for dramatics, you may enjoy this one a lot! - If you want some more batshit, off the wall, lighthearted stuff, anything to do with the 2003 Clone Wars series are GREAT.  The animated series is just completely fucking bananas in the absolute best way and the comics are kids’ fair but they absolutely capture the chaotic energy of the show in a way that makes them SO MUCH FUN to read. - I go back and forth on the Jedi Apprentice/Jedi Quest series, like, I think you have to approach them knowing that you may well not be the target audience for them, as well as understand that the early ones were started around the time TPM first came out, so the prequel movies weren’t even finished by the time they were being written and it shows in a lot of the worldbuilding, as well as you can’t make sense of them as logical, so much as “what’s an exciting story for a kid to read?” imo.  But if you can go in with that mindset, there’s a lot you can really enjoy about the books, as long as you don’t let fandom ruin them for you.  XD (If anyone else has any recs, feel free to mention them, as mentioned, I’m not as deep into Legends as I was with the canon, so my recs are fairly bog-standard prequels-centric ones!)

[marzipanandminutiae]

American Tries German Christmas Treats

so back in December, a dear friend of mine who lives in Germany sent me a box of marzipan goodies

because, as my URL suggests, I adore marzipan

​international shipping being what it is right now, the package arrived yesterday. March 5, 2021. nice job, there, postal carriers! (I know, I know- it’s not their fault and they’re heroes for dealing with all the Current BS so well)

but since these are mass-produced dainties and thus 90% sugar/full of preservatives, they are still okay to eat. yay! and the flavored Marzipanbrot (marzipan bread, in English) is entirely new to me, I was keen to give it a try. so, for the amusement of my German readers and the enlightenment of my fellow non-Germans, here we go!

The Classic

OH MY GOD IT’S A RITTER SPORT SAUSAGE. this is the confectionery peak of my life to date.

perfect, everything, I’ve already eaten a solid quarter of it. 10/10

Pineapple-flavored

(”Ananas,” said every other European language. “PINEAPPLE,” said English. Go home, English; you are drunk.)

My brain had trouble processing all of these flavors together. So I’d get chocolate, then marzipan, then pineapple, then marzipan again, then more pineapple, then the chocolate, etc. instead of chocolate-pineapple-marzipan. Not unpleasant, just perhaps not the sensory experience the manufacturers were going for.

Wouldn’t have expected this flavor, either. Are pineapples very popular with chocolate in Europe? I mean, they’re delicious and global food importation is a Thing, so I guess they’re popular everywhere; we just don’t usually do tropical flavors in our chocolate here. Especially for Christmas. That’s more of a “fancy specialty chocolate shop” thing in the U.S, and it’s more associated with summer.

A novel surprise, and certainly multiple great flavors in the same place! 8/10

Rum-raisin

I’ve actually never had rum raisin anything, so this was very new to me. We do have it here, but it’s considered something of an old-fashioned flavor. It does get trotted out more around Christmastime, and it was really popular in ice cream when I was very little. Though I feel like I don’t see it around as much nowadays. (See also: the part of the 1995 Casper movie where Carrigan demands “a pint of Haagen-Dasz ice cream, rum raisin,” from room service.)

I liked the flavor! I feel like it was mostly raisin with just a hint of boozy depth to it. The chocolate worked really well with it, too. My one quibble was that it kind of overwhelmed the marzipan, save for a faint aftertaste of almond. But I don’t know if, in this sort of thing, the marzipan is meant to be more of a delivery system for the specialty flavor and not something you taste on its own.

Now I see what all the fuss was about! 8.5/10

Dark chocolate

I was surprised to see this one, since I know marzipan is almost always paired with dark chocolate. And for good reason- milk chocolate + marzipan would just be way too sweet, IMO. Might as well just eat the marzipan on its own.

I actually busted out Google Translate to make sure my non-German-speaker instincts were right re: the flavor, but yes, “zartbitter” really does mean “dark.” So I think this is what we might call “extra-dark” in America? Or we’d just put the percentage on there- my guess is ~80%.

I didn’t really taste the chocolate as much as with normal chocolate-covered marzipan. It was a bit like an aftertaste, a hint of bitterness to balance out the very sweet almond flavor. Like a slightly more sophisticated version of normal marzipan. And like I said, I love marzipan on its own, so this is a winner for me!

Yo dawg, I heard you like marzipan, so I added a slight contrasting flavor to your marzipan to make it taste even more marzipan-y. 9/10

They were all delicious, and I look forward to gobbling them up with wild abandon. Thank you so much, friend! Merry belated Christmas!

(I should add that a LOT of Americans really don’t like marzipan, and probably more than half of us have never even tried it. I’m attempting to get my housemates to accept its glory into their hearts. Wish me luck.)

[absent-angel]

Writing on the Wall

Chapter 29: Body and Soul

Fandom: Inuyasha

Summary: Inuyasha doesn’t believe in haunted houses—until he actually buys one. Figures. A story told in drabbles. [Ghost AU] [InuKag]

Read it on ff.net

AN: Hope you all enjoy this chapter (because I've been dying to get to it)! ;D

In other news! If you like my writing and enjoy paranormal romances, my original novel Everlong is now available in ebook and paperback on Amazon. :DDDDDDD

Word Count: 1519

Warnings: Inuyasha’s potty mouth and, uh, character death. Because, you know, ghost story.

Chapter 29: Body and Soul

Inuyasha goes back. He has to. Kaede’s words are phantoms in his ears, clamoring voices in his head demanding answers. He has to know the truth, and Kagome is the only one who can give it.

The first thing he sees when he opens the front door is the writing he had left, unread and forgotten, the night he ran away from her. She must have been rushing, because it takes him more than a minute to make out the shaky symbols.

‘Please. Let me show you. Please.’ The last word is underlined five times; as if the once wasn't enough.

“Show me?” he scoffs, but the sound is weak. It’s hard to hate her, and it’s exhausting trying to remind himself of why he should. At the foot of the stairs, the cat sits and watches him with luminescent eyes—it’s tail twitching against the tread. “What the fuck does that even mean?” he mutters.

There’s no warning. It’s like being submerged in water, only it’s colder than what should be possible—like he’s swimming through ice. The blood in his veins is freezing and sending shock waves through his entire body. He tries to hold his breath, but the scream rips through him, ice fills his lungs and he thinks he’s a dead man.

Then it's gone.

He can breathe again.

The shock of it pitches him forward, and he gulps the air down greedily and with a desperation he’s never known. Beneath his curling fingers are wooden planks he doesn't recognize, and when he calms his racing heart enough to look up, he almost wishes he didn't. There are walls all around him, a roof above him, and—in front of him—a well. Somehow he knows he is in the same well house that's locked and boarded on his property. The same one Kagome told him never to open.

The hairs on his neck rise, the once gasping breaths are now burning in his lungs as he holds it in, because there’s the sound of footsteps on the other side of the door and—

The door opens. With the adrenaline still stampeding through his chest, it takes him a moment to realize who he's seeing. Her face is fuller—younger—than in the photograph. The green and white school uniform is one he recognizes as belonging to the junior high a few blocks from the shrine.

Impossible. It’s so fucking impossible, but there she is—blue eyes scanning over him as if he doesn’t even exist—and part of him wonders if he’s dead.

Kagome shakes her head, tucking her hair behind an ear and speaking over her shoulder as she steps in. “Are you sure, Souta?”

A young boy peeks his head from around the door, eyes flitting across the room. He doesn’t share his sister’s striking eye color, but there are other similarities—the nose, the cheekbones. Even if Kagome had never shared his name, Inuyasha suspects he would recognize the relation between them. “I’m telling you! I heard something! It was creepy!”

She rolls her eyes with a brand of impatience that seems reserved for siblings. “It was probably just Buyo,” she grumbles, even as she checks the other side of the well. Inuyasha steps out of her way, heartbeat hammering in his ears as he stares. She’s close enough he could reach out and touch her, but he doesn’t dare try. “There’s nothing here.”

“Gramps says people used to call it the bone eaters well!” Souta whines, eyes fixed on the well in question anxiously. “What if there’re demons in there!”

“He also sells fake Shikon no Tama on keychains and tells people they're real,” she scoffs. “There’re no demons. Look, I'll show you.”

Something in Inuyasha’s stomach sours, churning until he feels legitimately nauseous. He thinks about all of Kagome’s warnings; of the words still carved, nail-deep, into the dirt outside the well house. Her fingers slip under the wooden edge of the lid, and a jolt of panic prompts him to step forward.

Don’t!

He says it, can feel the word rattle his lungs and fly off his tongue, but no sound comes. He tries to say her name, screams warnings into the air, but nothing works and he watches in silent horror as the lid lifts.

Kagome looks over her shoulder, equal parts fond and exasperated. “See? Just an old well.”

Souta edges closer. Inuyasha tries to remember how to breathe. “Are you sure,” the younger boy asks, peering over the edge and into the shadowed depths. “I was sure I heard something...”

Kagome shrugs, lowering the lid. “Maybe it was just a—ow!” The well lid slams onto the ancient stones; Kagome snatching her hand away and hissing under breath.

Inuyasha jerks forward. The words that leave him, soundless, are the same as her younger brother’s.

“Are you ok?!”

She nods, cringing, and opens her hand for inspection. There is a gash across her palm, blood dripping off her wrist and onto the floor. “Yeah, I must have caught a nail...” She groans, lower lip pouting as her fingers close over the wound. “I hope I don’t need a tetanus shot.”

Inuyasha can’t take his eyes off the beads of blood seeping between the floorboards; a feeling—dread, fear, and horror all rolled into one—chokes him. And then the floor is moving beneath his feet, and when he looks up, he’s staring at his kitchen—his old kitchen, only it’s clean and new. Beneath the ringing in his ears, he can hear an echoed chorus of off key voices behind him. He turns around.

There are fifteen candles in her cake and an honest smile on her face when she closes her eyes and makes a wish. Then she blows out the candles, her family laughing and clapping around her, and suddenly it’s like he’s watching through a skip reel on fast forward. It’s dizzying and it makes his stomach lurch, but he forces himself to watch as another seven birthdays pass before his eyes in a matter of seconds. Kagome’s face gets thinner, her brother gets taller, on her mother he sees the beginnings of gray hair sprouting from her temples, and her grandfather’s wrinkles become deeper and his skin more transparent.

Then she’s blowing out twenty-two candles, and everything goes dark. Inuyasha waits, pulse thrumming, for someone to turn on the lights, but it never comes. A groan of old iron hinges and Kagome is silhouetted in the doorway with the full moon illuminating her face, and Inuyasha understands.

They’re back at the well house.

She pauses at the threshold, head tilting as she listens, and suddenly he hears it too. There is a scratching noise coming from behind him. Inuyasha doesn’t need to look to know that it’s coming from the inside the well.

Kagome shakes her head; blind to the horror rattling his bones and deaf to the warnings springing from his lips. “Buyo, did you get yourself stuck in there again?”

She lifts the lid. Shadows climb up the wall, thick and poignant—like oil spilling over silk.

Things go black, and when light returns she is staring down at her body—throat slit and blood still pooling over the floor. Soaking into the pink carpet. In her hand is the knife responsible.

There’s blood everywhere. It coats her fingers like crimson gloves and there’re splatters of it on her face and the white summer dress she decided to wear for her birthday. It itches against her skin, and she stares with confusion at the bloody footprints leading from the stairs to her room—to her. When she looks, the bottoms of her feet are red.

Panic swells, choking.

Somehow she knows, even though she doesn't remember, but she tells herself that it can't be right. Her family—her—they can’t be dead. She would never—

Then her body, bloodied and battered, rises—a puppet on strings. The head lolls forward and then back, as a laugh shakes the thing’s shoulders. It meets her horrified stare, and its lips pull back into a red-stained smile.

Inuyasha feels his spirit jolt, his eyes snapping open and a ragged breath entering his lungs. It’s worse than waking from a nightmare. The image of bloodied teeth still cast phantoms over his eyes despite knowing that he’s back where he belongs. He screws his eyes shut, counts his shaky breaths and wills the trembling in his hands to stop already. Then he opens his eyes, and he has to remind himself to breathe all over again.

Instead of seeing an empty room, he sees her. He sees Kagome. Her hands are on either side of his face, fingers cold against his temple. There are tears rolling down her cheeks and dripping off her chin. His lips part around a question he can’t even begin to communicate. He’s too entranced that he can see her—that he can feel her.

“I woke up the demon in the well,” she whispers, face crumpling. “It’s my fault my family is dead. It's my fault I'm still here.”

[elpercotreviews]

Reviewing My Anime 10/10's *Relatively* Spoiler-Free

Note: What I rank a 10/10 is very specific and obviously very subjective to my own. Something can only be a 10/10 if I already consider it a 9/10 AND I must have rewatched it. I am someone who typically does not rewatch/reread anything, unless it's something I truly absolutely enjoy. With that being said, because of the requirements, I only have 4 animes that I rank 10/10, and tbh only one of those animes would get that ranking from the general anime audience. The rest are SO SO SO specific to my particular tastes that I would be absolutely stunned if someone also had the same four as me, because the requirement is so specific. Imma make another post eventually for my 9/10's because I think that list makes a lot more sense for a general anime audience lmaooo.

Soooo, in order of least personal to most personal (although obviously they're all personal to me lol) we have:

1. Psycho-Pass

Recommended for people who: are really into that dark dystopian future society vibes, are fans of Ghost in the Shell, like detective/crime stories

Okay, for a few people, this one actually probably makes some sense. At the moment, it has an 8.37 on myanimelist which means this anime is super well liked. I've watched this anime twice, first the original and then the second time I watched the director's cut (yes that exists lol). Overall, I'm a huge fan of the entire Psycho-Pass anime series as a whole. I've watched all three seasons, as well as two of the movies. I didn't watch any of the Sinners of the System ones cuz tbh I literally couldn't find an english sub of that anywhere, it just doesn't exist lol. I think it's okay cuz the ratings for the Sinners of the System trio of movies seems meh. I've actually watched Psycho-Pass the Movie like three/four times LMAO but that's simply cuz a movie is obviously much quicker to watch than an entire anime season. Like just objectively, the Psycho Pass series as a whole is very inconsistent in quality due to the fact that it's all original, so they do technically just make up everything as they go lol. Season two is all right (I think it gets more hate than it should), three is good but season one by far is the absolute best in the entire series. I'd argue the movie is technically my absolute favorite out of the whole IP, but I actually give the movie an 8/10. The movie, because of being obviously way shorter, simply does not have the deep controversial and philosophical lines of thought that season one has. It lacks that extra depth that would make me put it anything higher than an 8. The two main characters have good chemistry as a crime-fighting duo and the main villain's rivalry/relationship with the male lead is super compelling. The female lead is meant to be relatively naive/more on the innocent side which works with the plot as it allows the show to naturally explain and give more exposition as to the actual world and rules of Psycho-Pass without having it seem so ham-fisted or just throwing info to the audience.

2. Violet Evergarden

Recommended for people who: cry to sad movies, like gorgeous animation, are very empathetic, like vignette-esque storytelling

All right if you even remotely consider yourself an avid anime fan, then this anime is probably also somewhere on your 10/10 list or at least an anime you consider to be "very good." That is, unless you are that very vocal minority who simply really just REALLY do not like this anime for some god forsaken reason. However, in my honest opinion, I think an anime like this just really doesn't sit well with ... how do I put this blunty ... people who do not give a fuck about other people or anyone else's feelings but their own. Basically, IF YOU ARE SELFISH, A NARCISSIST, EGOTISTICAL, OR ANY SORT OF COMBO OF THOSE THREE, YOU WILL NOT LIKE THIS ANIME. And if you do, you probably don't think you're any of those things. Because of the anime's very premise, I find it very difficult to see a very self-centered/heartless person particularly enjoying this anime. The whole premise of this anime is that the main character who, because of her upbringing, doesn't understand feelings/emotions, especially the concept of love, grows as a human and slowly begins to learn what love is. The show does this by showing multiple sets of characters meant to represent different types of love (romantic, familial, platonic, etc). The vocal minority of people I've seen give Violet Evergarden bad ratings all typically argue that although beautiful, the anime doesn't have any substance/doesn't really mean anything. If that's honestly all you got after watching the entire show, then you deadass just don't get it, and you probably will never ever get it. If you've seen or heard of Vivy: Fluorite Eye's Song, than just know that these two animes are VERY very similar in vibe despite being technically different genres. However, I personally found the themes and concepts in Vivy are done much more masterfully in Violet Evergarden which I think is due to Vivy's heavier focus on a story-driven overarching plot/action as opposed to Violet Evergarden's focus more on emotional impact/an episodic format. I've watched the entire series and I've rewatched the main show twice. TBH you can probably skip the gaiden movie AKA the one set at the girl's academy it was highkey pointless. Compared to the opera episode they added as a "special", the gaiden movie was still good but I wish resources were dedicated to something that actually added to the story. ALSO YES I KNOW ITS A GAIDEN AKA A SIDE STORY AKA FILLER SO YES NO DUH IT DIDNT ADD ANYTHING, BUT STILL. As for the main show, I think I cried for three episodes (the one about the playwright/author I forgot lol, the mother and daughter, and the soldier). On my rewatch, I didn't cry but I still deeply cared for and related to the characters. Violet Evergarden is a beautiful anime with a beautiful story.

3. ACCA: 13-ku Kansatsu Ka

Recommended for people who: like bread and bakeries, don't mind a very chill and slow-paced story, like stories about political intrigue and hidden agendas

Based on a relatively short manga, ACCA: 13 follows the main character Jean Otus as he performs his job of auditing the 13 districts of his country Dowa, while rumors and politics brew in the background that threaten to entangle Jean into a complicated plot. To be honest, I think properly reviewing this anime is impossible for me, because I just can't really explain the vibes of this anime besides "chill" and "intriguing." I think trying to explain anything more than the basic premise I just wrote would spoil a lot of what ACCA is, because it's plot is actually relatively quite simple and straightforward. Compared to Psycho-Pass which has a relatively good cult following, and Violet Evergarden which is universally praised, ACCA is an anime that I've yet to personally meet anyone who has ever even heard of it LMAOO. And almost everyone I know watches anime, so that's saying something oof. ACCA is made by Madhouse, which if you don't know, is a super well known anime studio, producing big hits such as Death Note, Hunter x Hunter, One Punch Man, etc. That's why I'm surprised that ACCA has flown just SO under the radar, but that may be due to the overalls nature of the anime itself. ACCA is an anime where all the characters hold their card close and no one seems to really share their real thoughts. One main criticism the anime has is the lack of deeper connections to characters and that for a main character, Jean Otus is very bland. To be honest, I think that's a very fair criticism and I can understand why this would prevent people from rating this anime higher than an 8 or 7. Due to the very nature of the anime and its plot, I do agree that there is a huge cast of colorful characters that we unfortunately don't really get to know more about. To be honest though, I don't mind this because I feel that's honestly quite realistic, especially factoring in Jean's job. All these places he's going and all these people he's meeting, it's literally just his job. He's not on vacation, these people aren't his friends, so the anime has no real reason to dwell much longer on places past its specific episode. Just like in real life, you encounter so many people and go past so many places that you probably won't ever see again. So for me personally, I didn't mind that the anime didn't explicitly show much about the backstories or lives of the cast, save for the very main characters (as their backstories were plot relevant). I think as viewers of not simply an anime, but a whole other world, I think it should be satisfactory to inherently understand that these are whole "people" who have entire lives that we are not exactly privy to. So although admittedly our understanding of many of the characters was all around quite shallow, I think that works for the scope of the anime, which was relatively simple and focused on just Jean living his life and the political plot stirring in the background until it was brought forward in the second half of the anime. Also I love Jean Otus. I actually completely absolutely adore him. He is literally my profile pic for myanimelist LMAO. I think calling him "bland" is fair from other people's perspectives, especially as the supposed main character of an ANIME, but I feel that if ACCA was in a different format like a novel, I think his personality would have been less criticized. Like I said, I love him soo much. I don't find him bland at all, but actually very interesting and highkey attractive LOL (if only he'd quit smoking but it's part of his charm 😞). Yes for an anime "protagonist," he is quite underwhelming especially compared to others, but I think that makes him very charming!!! Like all he wants to do is just chill, vibe, and do his job lmaooo. I think as a person, he’s very charismatic, and in the world of ACCA the rest of the characters see that as well. Because like, if he really were such a bland person, why would so many people like him and actually trust him lol? As for why it’s technically my favorite anime of all time (my ultimate one is a movie), I can’t give super detailed reasons why to be honest. I just really like the overall vibes of the anime itself, and I think the anime is just super unique and original. I’ve watched a ton of anime over the years, but I’ve genuinely seen nothing like ACCA in the slightest. I mean, just look at the recommended animes on the myanimelist. The recommended animes are all stuff I’ve also personally really liked (like fugou keiji unlimited and the great pretender) but yeah there’s just truly nothing that’s close to what ACCA is, and because of that, it reminds my absolute favorite anime show. I’ve seen the dub and the sub, even though I am a vehement dub hater lmaooo (except for very few circumstances, and this also applies to all non-English media, not just anime). There was only one thing in the entire show that slightly confused me/ seemed slightly unbelievable and I won’t spoil but it had something to do with the overall timeline of some events, but it doesn’t detract from the story at all. Oh and the art style! I really love the art style of the anime. It stays pretty true to the manga, but is also just an overall kind of art style I really like. I really enjoy the more like 2d/flat/drawn art style versus really clean and really detailed stuff, and I’m typically not a big fan of very obvious use of CGI (unless done tastefully like in Demon Slayer). All the backgrounds in ACCA have this painted/drawn style and the anime itself has this like muted(?) filter over it that makes the anime seem like someone’s drawings just put up on display in a way that’s really refreshing and nice. I highly recommend this story for anyone who wants a breath of fresh air and to get away from the typical action-packed high energy of big name anime.

4. From Up on Poppy Hill

Imma make a whole separate post JUST for this movie so I can explain why I love this movie so so much. And honestly, Imma need a whole separate post in the first place to address the elephant in the room when it comes to this movie (if you’ve seen it, then you know what I’m talking about). And if you’ve haven’t seen the movie, maybe you’ve heard about one of its controversial themes. I’m not gonna say what it is, cuz I KNOW it’ll be super off-putting for a lot of people, but please omg just hear me out. I just love this movie so so much. I’ve seen it like 7 times and counting. I have it downloaded on my computer and on a flash drive. I’ve watched the sub AND the dub however I’ve stopped watching the dub because it makes me sad every time I hear Shun’s voice actor ;-; This movie is legit an honest-to-god comfort movie for me that I could watch over and over and I’ll fall in love with it again each and every time. And once again IMMA MAKE A WHOLE SEPARATE POST BECAUSE I SWEAR PEOPLE ARE GONNA BE LIKE “Yo ain’t this the movie with the -----” and it’s like PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN. The vibes of this movie, the themes it addresses (yes even THAT theme), the music, the art, the characters, is perfectly presented in a way that I will never stop watching this movie. The only other film that has come close to the amount of times I’ve watched From Up on Poppy Hill would be Legally Blonde lmaooooo. 

[lucywritesreid]

Our own little island

Thank you for all the feedback from my last fic :3 I really don’t have any explanation for this other than....yeah...Spencer during lockdown haha.

Summary: Spencer and Y/N Have been living in their own private bubble during lockdown. YN has discovered a game and initially Spencer shows no interest...

There wasn’t much to say about the last few months other than they had been… weird. Weird on a global scale. You almost couldn’t believe how quickly everything went from normal to complete lockdown and watching the news every night had set you into complete panic mode. Both you and your highly germ-phobic boyfriend were more than happy to comply with the necessary restrictions. Spencer’s rational and calm mindset kept you both prepared and he did everything possible to reduce your anxiety. You would be forever grateful to have him by your side at such a horrible time.

For you the hardest adjustment was not seeing your work friends every day. It was odd to not spend every waking moment surrounded by all the people you loved the most. You didn’t realise just how much you would miss them despite seeing them all the time anyway. Friday night became the highlight. Your team, set up by Garcia, started a weekly quiz whereby everyone joined a Zoom call and one member was chosen to deliver a set of questions. Granted, it took Rossi a few failed attempts to be both seen and heard on camera, but you had all got it working in the end. Garcia’s quiz was based on cute, fluffy cartoon characters, Rossi delivered a mastermind style quiz all about the ratpack, Hotch surprised everyone with an in depth quiz about the employees of the FBI (where you realised he knew way more about personal lives of his colleagues) and you did pop culture through the ages. You had warned Spencer that ‘the history of the atom’ wasn’t in keeping with the Friday night spirit, and despite being met by many groans, he ended up presenting a fun and engaging quiz where losers had to take a shot for every question wrong. No surprise that he was the only one still standing by the end.

 The truth was that despite all the chaos and uncertainty, you realised that you were lucky to have so much time spent with the man you loved. Sure, you worked together, but that was as professional as you both could manage. Stolen kisses at the back of the jet and shoulder squeezes were as close as you could get whilst working. But at home, you both had free reign of each other. You were both night owls, sleeping through most of the sunshine. You spent your evenings playing chess, re-watching old horror movies and having a lot of sex. You were sure that you were keeping your local Thai restaurant in business, living mainly off that and tubs of ice cream. It was almost therapeutic spending your time lounging around in your comfortable clothes. Hours would pass while you both sat reading in silence (you, a few chapters, Spencer, a novel or three…), his arm slowly brushing the inside of your leg as you read. On the more anxious nights, Spencer would do absolutely anything to calm you down, making sure you were okay. He’d perform Shakespeare, teach you how to cheat cards, read to you in different languages and even let you braid the ends of his hair.

 You were very sure you were going to marry Spencer Reid.

 There was one of your hobbies that he didn’t quite understand. In the first few weeks at home, you had invested in a Nintendo Switch, mainly from the push of Garcia but you had been eyeing it up since it first came out. You spent many nights on animal crossing visiting Garcia and her magic candy land island. It was one way to experience the outside world without actually being there. There was something wholly therapeutic about going fishing, planting flowers and giving gifts to your wonderful animal villagers.

 Spencer, of course, didn’t really understand the appeal. Despite having the most wonderful brain you’d ever met, he seemed to have a block when it came to technology. He never discouraged you playing, but always looked over your shoulder with a furrowed brow whenever he saw you.

 “See that, y/n, there’s no way all those fossils would be in such close proximity to one another in such a small area.” He commented on more than one occasion. “What use is archaeology when they are just there on the ground for you to see?”

 “Spence, it’s a fictional world, I really don’t think they took into account geographical locations of fossils…” you couldn’t help but laugh whenever you spoke about it.

 “Don’t even get me started on the physical anatomy of these animals! How disproportioned they are from the real thing! And the colours, y/n! Have you ever met a purple tiger before?”

 You knew that he meant no harm from his remarks and was probably getting enjoyment out of it. So you’d shrug, offer him a turn and wait for some comment about how he was going to read an FBI report from 1987 again, and open your switch back up once he was distracted.

 One night, you had stayed up late to make wishes on your island. You really needed the star fragments to craft your new DIY recipes and had spent hours posed in position, ready to make a wish. You hadn’t realised that you were falling asleep and your switch was falling out of your hand, until…

 “YES! YES! Take that you stupid arachnid!” you heard a shout.

 Waking up and looking to your left, you blinked in amazement to see Spencer sat with your switch gripped between his fingers.

 “Spence? What are you doing? Are you okay?!” Many sleepless nights and bad dreams had left you very susceptible to fear when you heard shouting.

 He looked over to you and his cheeks flushed. “Oh, y/n, honey I didn’t mean to wake you I’m sorry! It’s just you fell asleep with your game in your hand, I went to turn it off and ended up talking about the stars with this wonderful little owl… She just tells you all these facts. And they are accurate, too! I even wished upon a star.”

 “That’s Celeste.” You commented, and yawned. “Spence, what time is it?”

 He squinted at the screen before replying, “4am.”

 You laughed. “And how long have you been playing animal crossing?”

 His focus went back to the screen but he carried on talking to you. “Oh, a few hours now! I’ve just caught a tarantula, the stupid son of a bitch bit me before! Did you know they could bite you in the game? I was just running around trying to get my bearings and it ran up behind me and bit me. But I showed it who’s boss. And hey! It turns out I was wrong about the fossils, in a sense..”

 You raised one eyebrow, “Dr Reid, wrong?”

 “Well, not wrong exactly. It’s still highly unlikely that they would be so close together, so close to houses, and be found in just one dig. But I took one to the museum after I dug it up and was really surprised. I hadn’t realised how accurate the information provided was about these fossils! And the details in the display, too! You’ve got yourself rather an impressive collection, y/n.”

“Mhmm.” Tiredness was setting in but listening to Spencer talk about your game was more than entertaining. You sat up slowly, leaned across and rested your head on his shoulder. “What else have you been up to?”

 “Well I recalculated the position of some of your flowers to maximise chances of getting hybrids. I know purple is your favourite colour so I looked into the best way to get purple flowers!” Spencer was speaking in that quick, animated tone that told you he was really into something. “I even researched the quickest and most beneficial ways of befriending your villagers to maximise the gifts that they give you. I spent a lot of time talking to the Raymond character.”

 “Raymond reminds me of you, y’know. Dapper, sophisticated, looks great in glasses…” you replied, nudging his shoulder with your forehead. “How did you find out all of this?”

 “Well, I read the whole Nookipedia website and that gave me a pretty good idea.” He turned to you and grinned. Of course, the genius had become the master of your favourite game in a matter of hours. “You can test me on any of the villagers’ names and personality types.”

 You looked down and saw piles of notepaper, all scribbled on, splayed out across the bed. You picked one up entitled ‘terraforming.’ Instead of trying to decipher Spencer’s handwriting, you decided to ask him about it. “Spence… what’s all this paper? What are these drawings?” You tilted your head and the paper simultaneously to try and get a better understanding of his scribbles.

 “Oh! I’ve been looking into reshaping your island. I came up with a few designs I thought you might like. My personal favourite is the honeybee, cos I know they are your favourite, so I calculated how we can use the terraforming tool to turn your island into a bee. Garcia would be so jealous and…” he trailed off.

 “What’s the matter?”

 He looked back at you with big puppy dog eyes. He chewed on his bottom lip a little before he spoke. “I’ve gone too far, haven’t I? This was your game, your private space, I never meant to take over. You really have done a great job…”

 All you could do was laugh. You leaned over and planted a reassuring kiss on his cheek. “Honestly? I’m really happy that you’re into this now. It means I can talk to you about it. Just you wait until you see Garcia’s island!”

“Really, you’re not mad at me?”

“It would be impossible to be mad at you, Spence. Maybe we’ll set up your own character now.”

And with that, you kissed him again, nuzzling into the comfort of his arm. “Show me what else you’ve been doing…”

[rosyk]

Deja vu

pairing: bang chan x reader, (a bit of han jisung x reader)

genre: heavy angst, passion, romance, one-sided love, bestfriends, long distance relationship

warnings: light curses, death, depression, mentions of alcohol and drugs, family problems, mentions of forced sexual activity, insecurities, anxiety, etc. (Its quite detailed in the first part and could trigger some people in these type and if you are one of them, I advice you not to read. It can really be uncomfortable on the first part)

word count: 11.5k

inspiration: Before We Knew It ch. 36-38 (webtoon), White Flowers- Olivia Rodrigo (unreleased song)

a/n: This is the least fic I loved but I had to continue it to start a new one and i won’t ever write things as long as this (it’s hard) lol. I don’t know who’ll ever read this long and cringey story but I hope it’s worth your time (?)

1

  If I were to describe a man I’d love to marry someday, it would be someone tall, doesn’t openly show their true feelings towards me, and leads me in life. However, you were the exact opposite of it.

I didn’t even know when and why I fell in love with you. Was it at first sight? No. Was it because someone told me about my indistinguishable feelings for you? No. It was like how love was portrayed in novels and books. I just knew it. Instead of leading my life, you made me, myself, want to lead and search for my future. After you happily talked about your passion for music, you made me feel as if you were the right one. It made me think, “Maybe I do want to be with him until the end of life”. I believe something great would occur and I want to be there when that happens. When the music he produces, raps he created, genres he invented, and when his voice reaches the world, I want to be on his side and be proud I was able to witness all of that. You were everything in times I was the “nothing”.

I truly wished to be a singer right from the start. My dream was unaccepted by my family because the job isn’t as stable as it seems. I had to study medicine since then. Therefore seeing you was like seeing how I could’ve been. I stopped my passion but you made me pursue the unpursued, break off the imaginary limits I had created in my mind. I developed a fear of having to try again. I never sang after years and tried to let go of my past. But you? You lifted me away from the cage of darkness I trapped myself in. My anxiety was too deep to the point I was afraid of people, nightmares, thoughts, happiness, living, being alone, home, and simply just everything.

Even I was scared of myself.

  Then I knew this is the worst a person could be. It isn’t when someone takes drugs, drinks alcohol, or flees away from home. It is when he or she no longer wants to take a step forward. I was frightened by the idea of love but also the idea of being alone. I was terrified to open up when the people closest to me never understood but was scared when I keep everything to myself too much up until I’m tired. I feared death the most, how much more if I was living? I remember cutting myself in bed when I overheard my parents fighting because of my presence. I was shaking, desperately trying to suppress my weeping. Was I sad because I didn’t have good childhood memories I could reminisce? Or was I happy for myself because that was the bravest thing I did? I was too young to understand what I truly felt but I didn’t regret a single thing.

I know the difference between wrong and right but why can’t I tell when it comes to situations that involve me? Is it wrong to think it would’ve been best if I was sleeping forever, in a depth of endless time even though I know I should live for a purpose I couldn’t find or for people who don’t care? But is it also right to live and hope miserably someone out there would find and help me even though it means staying and coping with the pain? Whenever I make a decision, I could hear trapped voices rambling in my head, time ticking as fast as my heartbeat, my soul pressuring me, and my mind that creates negative scenarios which cause me to step back before even having the chance to run. In general, I’ve had to overthink my overthinking.

I also have the habit of blaming myself. As deeper as it goes, it became my lifestyle then. I blamed myself for playing the victim as if I was the only one hurting amidst the world. I blamed myself for crying when I had no right because I gave people terrible occurrences.  I blamed myself for the inability to be brave and commit what I feared the most. I also blamed myself for silently not crying loud enough to the point that my facade turned out stronger.

Looking back, I was a total mess in which I couldn’t even call myself human. My only best friends were the mirror and my own shadow. I was 10 so I appreciated how the mirror felt the same feelings as mine. It doesn’t laugh when I cry even though the creatures surrounding me do. But for the same reason, I hated it. It reflects my despair, how horrible I looked causing me to despise it the most. My shadow on the other hand makes me feel I’m not alone at the end of the day. But I also despised it the moment my mom locked me up in my room, isolating me in darkness to forget all the traumas I had given her. Because even the shadow disappears in my darkest hours. And just like friends, it all just ended. I no longer want to feel love if love was meant to hurt.

  Years of living in hell passed by, until you came.

“You okay?”

  I was crying at the staircase in the nearest tunnel found at school. I was a 16-year-old who tried to break away from my dad’s drunken behavior. Running away was another brave thing I did but it was because the thought of him doing me was scary enough.

It was embarrassing to let you see me like this but surprise was the first reaction I had. No one ever dared to approach me because of my low status and the suspicious silence that I give. Questions filled my head as to why you bothered talking to me. Were the rumors unbelievable enough?

“I am new here but I haven’t seen you a lot in school. Are you the same as I am?”

So he’s a transferee. Honestly speaking, I was discouraged. It’s clear that he would slowly stop approaching me as soon as he knew the rumors. You introduced yourself and asked for my name. I gave you a silent treatment causing you to face my direction. We stared at each other for minutes. You finally gave up and sat beside me as I turned my gaze back at the people playing in the park, sighing heavily.

“Would you like to hear my life?” You look at me, expecting something. I turned back at you, both eyebrows raised. You showed your smile, with those little cute dimples on each side to get away from the awkward atmosphere. Trust me when I tell you that was the brightest thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life. Maybe you did show me the colors I didn’t know I needed in my life.

“Oh… I guess you don’t then? I mean why would you be interested right?” You laughed yourself off but as usual, expected some remarks from me. My eyes panicked as I shook my head quickly from side to side. My eyebrows creased as I bit my lip, hoping you understood what I meant.

“So you do want to hear it?” I shook my head up and down as an approval of your question. Unnoticeably, it was the first time I felt eager especially when it comes to humans.

“Isn’t it annoying though?” I got the hint you wanted to tease me considering your giggles but I was too caught up in assumptions that you wouldn’t continue your storytelling. Thus, I did the same thing, turning my head from side to side, trying to convince you that I desperately want to know what happens in the lives of some.

“Cute” you mumbled to yourself but I was able to hear the word that came out from you. You patted my head casually as you started to talk about your life. I grew slightly embarrassed, curling myself, holding my knees, and acted as if I didn’t hear anything.

You were transparently open in talking to the point that I finally knew what “precious” actually meant. Although it was for a moment I knew it would stop soon, you definitely saved me from all I felt.

There I knew how our lives were exact opposites. If I felt everything, the happiness, and sadness, contrasting feelings I couldn’t comprehend, you on the other hand felt nothing. As soon as your dearest brother got into an accident, you didn’t know what to do. If I had abusive and malicious parents, you had no one to be with. I couldn’t even imagine what would happen If I lived your life.

I knew I was bad for thinking of such a way but I took advantage of your life. It made me feel relieved that there were people who faced the worst monsters than I have inside me. It made me look at the positive side of mines.

Much especially when I didn’t expect it would be you. My first impression of you was this carefree pure guy who had no problems in living his life. Little did I know, you were waking up feeling nothing, smiling with no joy, cries without letting out the pain, and laughs despite the numbness and burden that weighs in your heart. I guess we can’t judge people by the way they appear. We never know how much tears they’ve shed every night.

You summarized and wrapped things up. You asked for my name one last time before leaving. But there I was, hung my head low and sniffles could be heard. You looked in confusion as I tried to cover my face. A surprise was evident in your reaction and it was obvious due to your stuttering. You tried to ask what happened but instead hugged me unconsciously.

That was the first time I’ve ever felt warmth. I was born a mistake so even my parents couldn’t give me this kind of comfort. I cried worse as I had thought of it. The idea of a stranger giving me a better meaning of how home felt like than a family does, who wouldn’t tear up after that?

I don’t want to be ahead of time. But hope filled my mind. Maybe I could find more people like him. Maybe someone out there could notice my emotions. Maybe someone could act as my light. Maybe someone does care about my wellbeing. Out of a huge percentage of people living on Earth, there should be one who could at least meet and save me right? I know I settled in all “maybes” but it was much better than having none.

2

  Recalling the series of events, I was a total problem. Yet you were always there for me no matter how heavy of a burden I am. You were the one who believed in me when I couldn’t, picked me up when I was drowning in a wave of traumas and worries, and lightened my deep void. You were my first and swore you’ll be my last, who broke my past and created my unknown beginning. I hated risks but whenever you are involved, I for sure know it is worth it no matter how many needles it may pain me. It had been years before noticing how much you mean to me I may be late, but would never get tired of this. I will listen and enjoy our memories until the end. You will, for eternal love, be my last song in my only playlist.

Although it’s true we never believed in love since the beginning. But all we do know is that we’d like to spend our whole lives together. It’s as if we were bound by the heavens to meet and help one another. With all that’s happening, I would like to assume that this is love people were talking about. Who knew it could be this powerful to change someone?

  [CHAN’S POV]

  And what happened to the “messy innocent girl who was stained by reality?” She became an unrecognizable teen, as pure as ever. In the past, I wasn’t able to feel the emotions most do but look at me now, smiling every time I see you do. Even though I’ve never felt heavy feelings, these light ones are taking a toll on me whenever you call my name.

We had arguments but never had any misunderstandings. This is all because no matter what I say, you are always by my side. I could tell you day by day how much you mean the world to me, my downfalls, and everything unnecessary but you’d still listen to it with no regrets.

Right now, we’re meeting up for a “little date” as you mentioned. I was going to decline because there had been many requirements in class but you seemed too interested that I didn’t want to break it to you.

I was wearing my usual hoodie sweater with baggy pants and ordered for both of us. After all, you would always choose chocolate whipped shakes over anything. You seemed to take too long so I decided to work on some demands given. I turned on my laptop and opened the application as I placed the headphones on my ear, silencing the noise in my surroundings.

Now all I can hear is my heartbeat pounding and swallowing as my throat started to dry. The loading symbol appeared on my screen and I hoped it would stay like that forever. I hoped it would crash and tried to find more excuses for me not to use it.

I was consistently looking at the time shown on the panel below the main screen. The blue circular sign still turns and turns as I see it from my peripheral vision. 3:31, 3:32, 3:33, the minutes kept moving and hands that are now shaking because I assumed this would be the worst nightmare that could happen. But no, cause “worst nightmare” is an understatement when we are referring to this. It would’ve been better as a nightmare because I could wake up from this traumatic moment. I was focused on my screen that I hadn’t noticed the calling in my front.

“Channie?... Chris?.... Christopher?... Mr.Bang Chan?.. Chan!”

  [Y/N’S POV]

  He finally noticed me as soon as I tapped on his shoulders. He flinched and looked at me in horror. It creeped me out but it took seconds before he could pull his eyes away from mine. He bit his lips and I noticed him covering his hands. The staff called out a number which I believe was from our table considering the way he closed his laptop.

“I’m getting that” You forced a little smile as you made way to the counter

I smiled at the thought of our “date” but seeing you sweating and nervously fidgeting your fingers to avoid them from shaking bothers me. Did something happen before you came? Why was he that nervous? Thoughts bombarded my mind, but you coming back with my favorite drink and snacks, looking all-smiley, tells me as if you noticed my discomfort so you tried cheering me up. You sat down in front of me and got rid of your problems. As usual, this guy notices even the littlest gestures I make.

“Did you wait too long?” I asked you with enthusiasm because our little date has now started. The idea non-stop makes my whole day

“No, I just arrived before you did.” You respond with a genuine smile despite the clear lie you just gave. You stroked my hair as you looked at me lovingly

“Oh, I just passed by that bakery we talked about a year ago…..” I started chatting about our fond memories that remain vivid in my head.

It took several hours of talking and enjoying our time together. We also watched that Philippine movie starring two exes who broke up and lived in one house, but being an emotional wreck, it took 30 mins of you trying to comfort me as I cry ugly. Of course, you didn’t miss an opportunity to laugh at me and even took a video. Teasing me and showing my picture as your wallpaper, made me playfully angry.

We also enjoyed visiting the same tunnel where we met. The nostalgia is present. The moon is shining and I can’t help but smile looking at you.

  [CHANS POV]

  You look beautiful under the moon if I must say. I wanted to show the magnificent view because it reminds me of you whenever I see it up above. You were my only light when my days in the past were too dark.

We continued strolling around, counting the streetlights that passed by and talked about a lot of things. Until you decided to speak up-

“About…. the thing that happened earlier?” You looked up to me, but your eyes soon started moving away from mines. You were held on with the anxiety of trying to speak up whenever it had come to my personal life. I don’t know whether it was the trauma you’ve stumbled upon when you asked about my father or it’s just due to your manners. Nonetheless, if it was indeed your trauma, I’ve felt guilty about it and wanted to reassure you I won’t hurt you ever again. “But if you don’t want to talk about it-“ I cut your sentence off.

“My father was a musician..” your eyes shined with glee in my response

“That’s cool!” You exclaimed but it soon faded into a frown after hearing me sigh. Tilting your head, you tried to calculate everything that’s wrong with it. I nervously fidgeted with my hands and knuckles, contemplating a decision that could change and even affect both of us.

“Everything’s wrong... He was into it, music took his mindset and life” I faced my head sideways and gulped without looking at your eye. The trauma, I’m finally telling my pent-up feelings after a lifetime keeping it to myself.

“He was so into composing music and started to forget about the reason he had started to do it. And by that-“ you cut off my sentence and started to nod a few times, pressing your lips together. You pointed your shaky finger at me and spoke softly.

“I think I know where this is going.” You looked at me in disbelief but all I could do is look at you with concern and guilt, asking for forgiveness. “Is this why you didn’t want to love again even after all these years?” Your eyes that shined stars a moment ago, turned into sun at night. It wasn’t raging darkness, but plain agony.

“Can you blame me? I know I love music, I’ve told you that on repeat for years. Is love what I need when that was the cause of everything?”

You didn’t take one glance at me and started walking faster. You were trying to leave me behind but I was quick to grab your hand.

“Please, let’s not act like this. It’s starting to get..” I was trying to think of a less harsh word because things get complicated day by day. And here I thought this date would be an exception. “Childish. Okay? I don’t get why you’re so out of place and it’s like-“

“So now I’m the one getting childish here?” You turned around and faced me, finally. Though it wasn’t any relieving as I expected. You were having tears stuck in your eyes, ready to fall at anytime yet you don’t want to cry in front of me. Are we going to keep this up? I was about to talk but no words came out of me. Until you decided to continue your sentence.

“You knew about this all the time, right? You knew how I was starting to fall for you and yet you continued our relationship without feeling love?” You bit your lips as your eyebrows creased. Trying to push me away, but all I could do was hold you tighter. “I know how trauma feels like. I’ve been there, we’ve been there. But you could’ve told me sooner at least so I’m not the only one looking like a whole fucking fool here, Christopher.” You tried to get away from my hold and yes, you did. Though as I tried to grab your hand once again, you took a step backward and placed your hands up in the air as a sign of surrender. “Call me sensitive but for God’s sake! How could you get me all wrapped up in your finger for the past years and call it something that isn’t attachment nor love? What was I to you then?” It took seconds for me to get the gist of what you’re trying to say and I did understand but I couldn’t answer that simple question.

Because now that I think of it, was I awful to hesitate who you were in my life? Was those years nothing for me then? I want to protect you until the end and I wanted to see you happy but I’m pretty sure I felt this for some of my friends as well. Did I just get into a relationship whilst thinking of my significant other as a friend? Is it called using someone? Taking advantage to make my life better? I know what’s right and what’s wrong. But I don’t know which is which. Getting into a relationship is a risky choice and I don’t want to hurt anybody in between. Because I know that’s what’s wrong. Using others for my need of affection and love is wrong as well. But is this exactly what I’m doing? I don’t know...As things grow, it just gets complicated to the point that I couldn’t even comprehend situations.

“I thought so” you continued, and those words crushed my heart. I didn’t notice the time we’ve been arguing, though technically it’s just you who was able to speak, that we’ve already reached your house. You opened the tiny gate in front of your house and I know what’s going to happen sooner later.

“Maybe, you need time to think about it alright? I don’t think I can keep up with a relationship like this if it’s too one-sided. But don’t worry I’ll wait. Even though what I want may not come,” you chuckled but the sigh was still evident. “I’ll wait for you.” You smiled, but it isn’t the one you’ve always shown me. I was the reason for your happiness but also the reason for your pain. How tragic must have been that sound.

You went your way to the door and closed it. I knew you were crying as I heard little sniffles but never looked my way. Closing the door, that was the last time I had ever seen you. With no goodbye kisses and hugs, you left feeling the ache you didn’t deserve.

3

[YOUR POV]

  It was supposed to be “taking a break”, but considering this, I should’ve accepted it as a break-up. You never took time texting me after the whole 4 months. I guess I was no one in your life. But even though I was still hurt, I regretted spatting out things as if it was your fault. You always get guilty over things and I know it was all just because you had a hard time reciprocating your feelings because of the lack of love you’ve felt. I should’ve understood that part but being the sensitive me, I was unmindful. I’ve also never seen you walk past the corridors nowadays, so it’s basically been also the same 4 months of actually not seeing you as well. You really bothered trying to get out of my life.

I groaned as I sat up in the bed. It was around 8:30 and I’m like 1 hour and 30 mins late? Not that I’m bothered by it since I’ve gotten used to it. It’s not like our teacher is there by the time I arrive.

  -SCHOOL-

  “Outside, now” was the first and last thing I’ve heard as I entered my classroom. And here I thought the teacher wasn’t present. Not only did I embarrass myself in front of my classmates, but I’d also have to stand holding a chair, outside the classroom for lower and higher-ups students to see. Awful, and my reputation is broken. Well, not that I had any significant reputation in the first place but come on, you know how hard it was to see students bickering while looking at you.

I heard the door click open and I hoped it was the teacher who finally would let me in. It turned out to be another classmate of mines which I thought was unnecessary. But as I looked back up and noticed his eyes, a sense of familiarity came unto me.

“Han?” My eyes widened at the sight in front of me. I’m not expecting people to be perfect but our class president was the last person I expected to be scolded by our teacher. “Weren’t you inside the classroom way before me?”

“I cursed.” The guy spoke shortly and lifted the chair just like the same punishment I’ve been doing. I blinked my eyes twice but understood nothing.

“Pardon?” I replied in a high tone as if I was questioning what he was trying to say. Cursed? Is he out of his mind, trying to curse in front of the teacher? Besides, he had always been this quiet kid, but girls still tend to simp over. The latter though is out of my knowledge.

“What did you say?” I leaned in as you jolted quite a bit. Reacting to the sudden flinch, I assumed it was bold of me to do so and it scared you. But looking straight at you, pink tints were found on the side of the cheeks. It was light and definitely cute.

“F-fuck” he faced me with eyebrows creased and hesitated in replying. It was so short and awkward whenever he’d say it or maybe it’s also due to his stuttering. The thought was so out of the place and even I, who is quite free doesn’t curse in front of the teacher for no reason so why would someone who tries to stay low, would curse? But the way you told me the “forbidden” word made me laugh out loud.

“You’re funny, Mr. class president” I replied after a silent 2 minutes and laughed while hitting him lightly. Little amounts of liquids were falling down my deep brown eyes as I tried to regain my breathing. He’s awkward and that’s what makes it funny. I like him.

I wiped off my tears and stared at you. My laughs slowly died down after seeing your confusing expression. I don’t know whether your eyes held a safe haven or a place I was indulged in and forgot about the point that everything was complicated in between. Whether staring at you was comfortable or confusing. All I know is that I was distracted by the genuine smile you gave. It was little but I knew it was a smile after seeing cute dimples on the side of your lips. Now that I think of it, I haven’t ever seen the president smile.

You noticed my pause and coughed, trying to clear out the tension. The usual demeanor was back. Was everything just an illusion then?

“Anyways, I don’t know about you but I’m gonna have to go. Don’t want stay here standing when time’s already up” you lazily said as you pressed your lips together, leaving me speechless all alone. Raising your hand, you waved back at me while walking away and didn’t even take time to look back.

That was weird. Or was I the only one weird? True, I’ve never seen him around that much but I’ve painted the guy as someone responsible considering the works he finished even after given such a small time. He was indeed open-minded but wasn’t out-spoken or friendly. Work is work and he has to make sure he aces his tests for his reputation to not tarnish even one bit, that’s all that matters to him. He was never used to smiling so he doesn’t do it as much, at least that’s what I’ve heard. I’m guessing it must be my imagination.

  /LUNCHTIME/

  Guess what? It’s already lunchtime and I haven’t learned a single bit of information from my teacher’s discussion. Shrugging all my homework, projects, quizzes, oral recitations, and performances that are all due this afternoon, I walked out of the classroom.

But before I did so, I found a familiar guy in my peripheral vision. Trying to confirm whether it was him, I turned and called his name out.

“Mr. president?”

The same awkward and serious guy turned around, raising his right brow. You were confused at first about who would call you with no respect, but hummed in surprise as a response.

“It’s Han for you... and for everyone” trying to continue the work you’ve been doing for our school camp which is totally several months later. What’s the rush?

“Drop the formalities! Besides, I like Mr. president way better.” I smiled and tilted my head then flipped my hair. I was a whole smug for thinking my naming sense was the best thing about me.

“Like, like?”

The same vibe always comes up whenever I’m talking to you and I don’t know why. How is it so hard to interact with smart ones? I feel like their language is different and I couldn’t even comprehend what this guy is trying to say.

“like?”

“You like mr. president. That’s what you said”

And that’s how it struck me. Looking back on everything, it seems pretty weird. (I like Mr. President way better) rings all throughout my head. I know he’s been surrounded by girls who have a crush on him but surely he doesn’t think of this as a low-key confession, right?

Please, I didn’t deserve any of this awkward tension. I did walk up to him first but blame my curiosity for wondering what he’s doing in his free time, does he always go to the library whenever, or what do the lifestyle elites like him actually have? Maybe, I did just want a friend but who knew it would be this complicated. Wrong choice.

“The names you provide for people are so dull” you faked a yawn to show how uninterested you are.

I laughed out and tried to hide the embarrassment I’ve felt inside. He meant the name of course! What was I thinking? He quickly got up and proceeded to leave the classroom as if he understood what I wanted to do. He catches up with things fast if I must say. But the feeling didn’t subside in me and I tried to cover up my face with my hands as soon as he left. Heaving a deep sigh, I reassured myself and followed him.

  -CAFETERIA-

  “This is all they’ve got?”

It’s been a second we’ve entered the school cafeteria and yet this elite beside me was already complaining. We sat down on the white benches and I was also relieved the cafeteria doesn’t have many students since our class ended earlier than the desired time.

“You’ll get used to it. Besides, what do you commonly eat for lunch? This is good.” I replied and waited for a response that never came back. I’m thinking it was a wall I’m talking to. You ate the soup and showed a face of disgust. Of course, I don’t give up.

“Do you have different cafeterias?” “Or do you eat in your respective rooms?” “Do you actually eat? cause you looked really busy with the requirements.” “Being a class president is that hard huh? I don’t think I’ve seen anyone as hard-working as you even if they have high titles.” “You know if I was the class-“

“Why do you ask so many questions? Geez” you swept your hair and sighed. You felt tired talking to someone as chatty as me but all I could do is playfully pout and raise both my eyebrows up. Shrugging, I respond.

“Why not?”

You glared at me but I wasn’t taken aback by it so you decided to reply, finally. “The real question is, why?” you tried to peacefully eat and finished it quickly so you could go to the library, I suppose. It was going smoothly until my small brain with low grammar or structure skills decided to pop up the least moment I wanted it to.

  “Because I’m interested in you.”

  Choking was all I could hear after I simply stated. Panicking, I gave you my water unknowingly and you drank it. I patted your back and stroked it gently.

“You okay?” I tried to calm you down but your face seemed to ask me whether you were okay even after everything was obvious.

“You mean you’d like to know about my lifestyle?” You analyzed my reaction as I tilted my head. I mean isn’t that clear? Your eyes seemed like you got the hang of me again and scoffed, rolling your eyes. Wow! Now, what’s up with this attitude?

“It’s common. Just some random New York steak.” My eyes widened and my ears couldn’t believe what they’re hearing. That’s common? Gosh, even my monthly allowance couldn’t afford to buy a whole steak, what more if it was specifically in New York? And the way he didn’t bother to flex about his lunchtime food and acts as if it’s unimportant.

“Enough about me, how about you?” I believe you were trying to ask for the sake of the conversation but it excites me anyway. I mean, an elite asking me about my life? It boosts my pride, internally laughing as I thought of the idea.

“What do you want to know about me?” Grinning, I eagerly waited for the question. How blessed I am to have an upper-class student to not just interact, but ask about me as well.

“What happened between you and Bang Chan?”

I’m taking it all back. I don’t want to hear any questions. I was wrong. By Bang Chan, I knew straight away he was referring to Chris. The mentioned ex became an elite, or so I heard. I don’t know how, why, or when but that’s the only reason possible for him to know there was a thing between us. But unlike me, Mr. President wants to make sure of everything and not just the rumors he had heard.

“No.” I simply stated and continued to eat.

“Why not?”

“I should be the one asking you why”

“Because I’m interested in you”

I paused and was slightly surprised by the sudden declaration. Okay, my way of telling him made me look crazy. I looked up to him and saw a pair of teasing eyes. This is who mr. president is? Now it was my time to roll my eyes and I knew at that moment I had no escape.

“Exes. We’re exes.” I expected a startled expression from you but your lips curled downwards as if you expected it. How was it hard to read this guy’s mind though he immediately catches up on everything I’m feeling?

Days passed by and as usual, I was the one annoying you. At that very time, we became close because I knew you were a comfortable place for me to be in. You don’t judge unlike what others do each time I open up my problems especially when it comes to my relationship with an elite and Christopher, out of all. For sure, you were the right choice of friend I never knew I needed to rely on.

4

[YOUR JOURNAL]

  Just a few days passed by and I hear lots of students whispering. What’s the occasion? I don’t even know myself yet I’ve brought a ring that matches mine. I’m naive but I always trust my instincts no matter what. As I try to recall the date and puts everything together in one piece from all the clues I’ve gotten.

A familiar man appeared in my sight. But he wasn’t mr. president. He was looking at me and I continued to look at those deep brown eyes I’ve longed to see after a long time. Was I prepared? No. Did I want to see him? I’m not sure so myself. But did I actually like that view? Indeed. My very first heartbreak or hiatus came back after months and to see he felt the same way I did. Did the moment I waited for all of my life would finally happen?

Each step you take, the more my anxiety rushes through me. I felt the shivers either because I was scared or it was the tears I’ve forced to stop from rolling down my cheeks. Or simply both, ignoring the fact that I was hurt yet I did want to see you after all. I wanted to walk away, but if I did then I’m making the same mistake twice. Therefore I stood still silent and only my heartbeat is the loudest out of all.

Closing my eyes, I expected strong grips around my wrist which marks it deep red because anger was the only thing present in the space between us. I didn’t take consideration of the things you’ve gone through but instead became selfish just because I’ve moved on from the past. I did tell you I would wait for you forever but all I gave you was the pressure of making you choose decisions at times you were having a hard time. Just because you made me learn the definition of love, doesn’t mean I could anticipate that you felt the same thing.

Quite on the contrary, I’ve felt warmth and comfort. The grip was truly strong, strong enough to hurt me emotionally and not physically unlike what I expected. The grip I’ve felt was hanging around me, a hug was given to me even when I didn’t deserve this.

“I’m sorry” that was what I’ve heard in the muffled and low volume of voice the man had spoken because he was on the verge of tears. I was supposed to be the one asking for an apology, yet this guy took it to heart once again. Typical Christopher.

“I missed you. I’ve realized I can’t do things without you. It’s been hard..” Your sentence cut the uncertainty I’ve felt. It came, he came. I cried my heart out after not breathing for a second. It would finally work out, after months of trying to ask for support from other people, you entered my life once again. And better? You loved me.

It was your graduation, and I’m glad to be there just like what we dreamed it to be. You may have left, but our romance never stopped.

Cliché right? Of course, that never happens in reality. What happens, is the point that we argue every day because of the long-distance relationship that serves as an obstacle in us. We don’t even know whose mistake it is but considering you, you’ve always been the one who let your pride down and ask for forgiveness. There are times it’s also been me because I realized that this guy doesn’t deserve more burdens in his life. Support is everything I could give.

“Everything working out?” I was astounded by the call Hanji decided to initiate first. He’s always been there for me when I had it rough. He cares for me though he doesn’t show it as much.

“I don’t know. I’ve rarely been receiving texts but he made sure to call me anytime soon. We’ve both been fighting against this. Thanks by the way” You sighed after I finished my sentence. I hoped my exhaustion wasn’t able to reach you but you knew straight away.

“What do you see in him? He is talented and ideal but do you think you both match up?“

It was good he called but hitting it directly at me and doubts our relationship? That’s what triggered and ticked me off. “I told you not to talk about this.” I firmly uttered.

“He doesn’t get the way you act, talk or even feel”

“I’m sorry? What do you mean by that?” It’s rare to see us quarrel because you didn’t want to reach that point and yet it’s you trying to get all complicated once again. Here I thought I got the hang of how you think. “He understands me more than anyone.”

“If he does then why didn’t he call by then?”

“He was busy. I repeated that to you more than thrice throughout the whole call. But if he wasn’t busy then he’d take a grasp of everything.”

“Was he? Because the last time I knew you had a rough day, crying all alone, he didn’t. The time I knew I had to cheer you up, he didn’t. The time I knew I needed to reassure you that no one’s ever going to leave you but stay by your side, even though you didn’t realize about it, he didn’t.”

3 seconds passed by before my voice was heard in the line.

“What does that have to do with all these?”

“I understand you but the guy you wanted to be with, doesn’t”

That was it, the final blow. Both were concerning, the whole sentence is. Starting from the conclusion you understood me up until the thought of me wanting a guy who doesn’t pick me up the way I assume couples needed. We had a relationship with Chris, but was it called a relationship with lots of things in between?

“I’m sorry. Slipped out. I was just irritated.” It was a first for you to apologize but my mind wandered to the part where you compared yourself to Christopher.

“What do you mean by you understanding me when he doesn’t?”

“I mean... If I did understand you, then I’m pretty sure a lot more boys out there would be a better match and would recognize your desire. They would be able to take care of you. You know I’m just.. worried.”

If it was the usual vibe, I would’ve laughed at that lame excuse. But thinking back, it’s hard for me to perceive the way you feel about me. I’ve heard rumors but ended up being nonchalant about it because mr. president having feelings? I chose to believe it wasn’t real especially when I’m already facing a hard time.

“good night.” You continued after the short silence. It was now you who was starting to get exhausted. You cut off the line quickly before I could even reply. Was the relationship between me and Chris wasn’t able to follow up fate? How innocent of me to think that true love comes so easily.

5

  Days turned to months and I lost count of the weeks Chris has been gone by my side. He had never failed to text compared in the past, but I still yearned for his affection.

He seemed excited on the phone today and unknowingly called me 5 times and now a 6-

“Christopher, aren’t you busy?” I giggled as I heard him laugh. It made my day and filled up the void in me that was created because of the thought he isn’t able to be with me on my graduation day.

“I have duties... as your boyfriend” I playfully rolled my eyes without expecting a turn of events.

It was my final day in school and to think that I have to spend it alone because I had no friends, awful. Chris made my day though, so I wanted to enjoy it to the fullest. But the feeling of not seeing Hanji anymore still lingered in my mind. It was harsh but I had to accept it. We didn’t talk that much but undoubtedly, he was a good friend in times I need him.

Whilst looking around the stalls in the halls, I found him. He was talking to a guy seemingly the same age as ours and he looked so happy. But as his eyes met mines, was it just me, or did it die down? Maybe he doesn’t want to see me after all? His eyes traveled back to the sushi he ordered but sighed as I ran up to him.

“Mr. president?” The happy and annoying tone of calling him wasn’t present anymore. It was gloomy, hesitating if I should bother his hours or time. “Did I do something?”  What happened to our closure? it flees away.

I saw you in the process of trying to smile a little and just hummed to let me know nothing’s wrong. But everything is. You ignored me and walked up to the classroom. I followed you, as I always do. I decided to speak up but you cut me off.

“I’m sorry if I did-“

  “Are you still interested in me?”

  You turned around and confronted my small figure. It hurts the way you try to smile in front of me but failed to do so. Usually, you always made me believe what you wanted me to. You’d say you’re fine, you’re happy, you’re not exhausted, but right now? I’m not buying it. I may not be able to read you that much, but you seemed too tired to the point that your magic of convincing me didn’t work.

“Interested..?”

“You said you were interested in how elite ones live. Now that you got the answer and your boyfriend is one, what am I there for?”

“You were there for me-“

  “when he couldn’t be there”

  You were being on and off, getting more complicated as time passes by. You don’t go straight to the point but instead, run circles until I have a hard time contemplating whether I’m the wrong one.

“What are you trying to imply?” I questioned

“I don’t need a quote that says don’t expect something in return”

“Return? After everything, we’ve been through? Our friendship? Was it all just nothing? How doesn’t that benefit you?”

“Because the more I give you your need, why do I have to receive pain instead?” Your voice was shaky and I can see you biting your lip, trying to suppress yourself from falling and breaking. “You wanted to know me because you were curious about my life. Now that you know of it, what do you want from me?”

“What do you mean what do I want? I want nothing from you. The bond that we’re tied in is enough for “

“Then who am I to you?”

“I told you, a friend.”

“My purpose in your life?”

“Lifting me up whenever I feel....down”

“So did you recognize how that sound like to you?”

Among both of us, I broke down first. Why am I being the one treated like the villain in this story taking advantage of people around me? Why am I the perceived the evil being in our friendship? Why does he want to make me feel guilty? I didn’t even know what the problem is yet, but I was already the bad one here. Call me clueless, but I couldn’t be blamed for something I don’t even know about. Quiet sobs filled in the silence and I could feel your sympathy filling the empty room.

“If ever..” in a low volume, you decided to speak “Why do you want to spend more time with me?” I looked up to you and wiped away all my tears if that’s possible.

A reason, that’s all I need to prove but no suggestions came up to my mind. Recollecting tragedies, was I the one who didn’t bother calling you when you didn’t do the same to me? Why didn’t I? You didn’t even pass my mind one single time in the past days. So why didn’t that happen? I appreciated him but when did things gradually just..stop?

Tears fell down yours as well but you didn’t want me to look at you in the eye. “You were supposed to say for more memories, you know? Like because I actually made you happy so you wanted me to appreciate our moments. Believe it or not, that’s what they say” you laughed to lift the air but I was still left dumbfounded after everything. How terrible of me, that thought echoes repeatedly.

Hours passed by and I wasn’t feeling it. The sun turned gloomy, the loud cheer of students turned to noise, the sky turned monochrome and the atmosphere turned dull. All I could do was ask Chris regarding it. All he could say is that he appreciated how Hanji backed off and didn’t want to complicate things more by telling me. Understanding none of it, what does he mean by didn’t want to complicate things more when our quarrel was? Wow, I really am this hopeless. Slow and unaware.

I was lost in thought that I late realized how I could hear vehicles in Chris as he was on call. Was he lying then? He mentioned he was staying in but why are there noises and people chattering? I was baffled hearing one of the familiar voices behind. One seemed to be the same as my classmate.

“Where are you? I thought you said you were in your home?”

  “I am home.”

  Clichè as it seemed, It all felt like a slow-motion in a fast-paced sequence of events. Firstly you were just talking to me but at the next second, you were personally doing it.

Holding your phone, I finally found the guy I’ve seen and lost on the same day in the past. But now? He’s here. Promising me that he won’t leave ever again. I knew I could trust these words no matter how repetitive they're going to be. Once you tell me it, I just know you’d be by my side no matter what until the end of the world.

You were looking the same as I remembered in the past and it’s played out like deja vu. You walking up to me and giving me a whole hug of comfort, as I cried in your arms.

“How about your-“

“I don’t want you to worry about it. I’ve chosen myself, with no additional pressure, to live with you.” You stroked my hair and patted my back.

“Live with me?”

“Don’t you want to?” I was delighted and surprised by the sudden decision. I wasn’t given enough time to think about it, not that I needed time anyway. I would always choose you over anything else.

It was the event and yes, I graduated with my boyfriend cheering me on and allowed me to soar high and fly, to start a new beginning.

6

[HAN POV]

  It was good seeing you happy. Even if it was Bang Chan, I’m sure he is the only man that can make you smile like that.

But indeed, I was hurt. I was a book you wanted to read but as soon as you got ahold of the main idea, everything starts to get boring. Usually, you would never fail to not make me annoyed each day because as you always say, I cross your mind every time. When you were indulged in your relationship, I was forgotten.

It was all my mistake and you don’t have to feel guilty about it. I may not have any expectations of you loving me, but I had hopes and that’s what made me receive pain. If I hadn’t hoped you would be with me, hoping you forgot about him, hoped you could see I am just here waiting, hoped you could realize I can treat you better, then both of us wouldn’t get hurt. It’s my fault and I’m held accountable to live in regrets.

But even for a split second, I am happy that I am capable of distracting your worries and making your day better. I wasn’t thinking well in the argument a while ago but I did get the benefit. Seeing you happy, makes me happy. So letting you go is the best choice for both of us to receive joy. Scratch that, I don’t have the right to tell you I would let you go.

  Because I never stood a chance did I?

7

[YOUR JOURNAL]

  After graduating, I moved in with Christopher. He let me listen to some of the tracks he had created to stop me from bothering him all day.

The music he had composed was nothing personal and was based on people from different perspectives. I had never felt the same experience as well but something about the way he writes and produces brought me to tears. The pain and emptiness inside were well shown in the midst of harmonies. He was also a genius writer with well-structured sentences and livens up feelings in the words to make the listener feel as if he or she was the one narrating it. His father is a musician, but to think he would be able to express that much in songs just shows how deeply connected he is with music. He wasn’t motivated because he tries to stop himself from being like his father but it was a pity for him to stop something he is incredibly good at.

“You’re really something Christopher! Do you know that?” I hugged him from behind and heard his little laughs. “I think I’ve fallen for you all over again. But honestly, I knew you’d write and produce this good” I wore on a smug look as he asked while giggling because of the face I’m giving.

“How?”

“How about calling it an intuition from an expert music lover?” You playfully rolled your eyes in my response because you expected something more detailed. You urged me to explain it to you so you’d knew my opinion about the music and so I did.

“Your words are beautiful that it makes me believe anything you’ll say, Christopher” I smiled and kissed your cheek. I rested my head near your neck as we were sat on the bed, facing each other.

It was true. You made me feel different feelings and opened up a new perspective to move on from my past. You influenced me a variety of changing thoughts. I don’t like the idea of losing myself to someone because it forgets the real me. I don’t like the concept of being crazy in love with people because it doesn’t feel sweet somehow whenever the risk of it being one-sided and unable to move on is present. Not realizing that whenever the talk comes about you, it feels heavenly. I don’t know who I would be if I wasn’t yours but it all feels enchanting. Although you made me insecure, at the same time you made me laugh throughout the day. You were a gold rush. Perfect and gentle, to think that someone like me got you is like winning once in my entire life. Luck is rare but fate was there. By fate, it turned out you were destined to meet me and get me out of the hell hole, no one tried to do. By fate, it means I will love you and will forever do. By fate, we’ll stand strong and fight the cracks alongside our journey.

8

[CHRIS POV]

  You wouldn’t take a no for an answer when I was asked to create more songs. A single shed of tear from listening to my music encouraged you to push more song requests unto me. Make-me-a-song was all I could remember hearing from you.

I remember you publishing one of my songs and I was accepted by it. You were jumping up and down as I was worried about its outcome. I was starting to get known, that was also the beginning of how the unforgivable musician started to forget about the important ones in his life. It was as if the result would be dragging my only light into my darkness. I don’t want to be a musician and yet, here I am composing more songs even if I knew what was coming soon.

I’ve started with light romance that I think you’ll enjoy but seeing you look so happy with just a simple work of mine, gave me that motivation I least wanted to have. And like a recorded cd, everything was played the exact same way in different men. I hated it but it was truly like father, like son.

I continued to write songs with deeper ones but as I got the recognition all the more, I produced as if I was possessed. I was indulged in the way words can be conveyed differently and ideas, stories, and theories were constantly overflowing my mind. I was wrapped up in music and I hated myself for it. Even though I despised the process, I couldn’t help but continuously write. All of my pent-up feelings in the past years were expressed in my songs, making me create heavy tracks and don’t run out of stories to tell. The man I’ve been hiding and was traumatized from came back and it’s as if he mocks me that we are on the same page after all. I felt myself sinking and sinking despite you telling me that I am not like my father because I made you feel the definition of love. I was trapped in a room with no escape that relates whenever I had started making music, I couldn’t get out of it. I wasn’t forced but this drive is what makes me continue because I feel like I’m creating a new genre that makes people deeply appreciate and maybe understand what I’ve been going through.

4 years came by but it felt like days in my studio.

“Chris, are you sure you’re fine? Get enough rest okay?” the young girl called me but I was busy finalizing the song.

“Yes, thank you,” I replied shortly after your question. I wasn’t paying much attention so I didn’t know the accurate response for it.

“Anyways, what’s that ab-“

“I’m working on music that’s going to be showcased and submitted to the famous JYP company later. It is really important so I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t distract me by asking so many questions. Come by later, we’ll talk about it then.” I looked at my watch on my right arm and noticed how I still got a few hours left before attending the ceremony. The albums will be released soon after but I have to submit another title track.

I was busy with all the scheduled dates and songs that I hadn’t realized

  she wasn’t smiling anymore.

  “Mr. Bang Chan?” hours came by and truly the CEO came. We have a friendly bond and he gives me advice so it’s casual for him to call on me. I hurried up to the door and went to the car.

“Why didn’t you invite her to the big event?” The CEO of the company asked me to start up a conversation. He crossed his hands and tapped his fingers as if he thought of something so deep and significant because he was getting impatient.

“It’s a big hassle. She isn’t good and comfortable in interacting with people she doesn’t know” I simply stated and smiled for respect.

“I don’t interfere or meddle in the personal affairs or lives of others but I hope you aren’t neglecting her because of this, are you?”

“She will understand” I looked up to the car window and stared at the illuminating lights from buildings. I know you took a lot of time waiting for me, but please don’t give up and let me finish this song about you. By then, our Disney-like dreams would finally come true and I swear I’ll make you even happier.

  I held a box of ring in my pocket. I’ll make you happy, just hang a bit in there okay?

9

[YOUR POV]

  The CEO told me about the new album he’s been working on. It was about his first love. It would be no other than me, right?

I went up to his room and read the paper scattered alongside his desk. There were lots but I decided to read the one that I assumed was already done. It was near the porch and I understood how he wanted to compose in front of the moon.

  The moon shone brightly that night

 but I realized that wasn’t my source of light

You look lovely

as the smiles you beamed lasted an eternity

I was persuaded and lost in thought

unknowingly, my heart was caught

Because even under the moon, you’ve shone the brightest

and cleared my problems at most

Even under where light lies,

 I was indulged deep in your eyes

Even when it illuminates through the void,

a different view is what I’ve enjoyed

Because even if their minds were fixated on the scene,

looking at you felt more serene

  I stopped reading the paper and placed it back on the desk.

  “That can’t be me..” I thought.

  Starting from the mentioned smiles, how could that be me? You stated you enjoyed looking at me, but I felt like I was invisible whenever you compose songs. Did you make songs while thinking of me? I don’t think so. You should’ve known that you were dragging me along with your darkest nights. I wasn’t even your light anymore, it died down. I was overshadowed by your passion or the one you’re talking about in this script. Can I still make you happy? No. Am I still happy? No. The whole lyrics proves how you didn’t even take a single glance at me right now. Because if you did care, you would've known I changed because you did. I changed because the person I was relying upon, didn’t find motivation in me. We started together but it lost while it progresses just like how you started music because of me but lost my figure in your sight along the way. It was reality, I was being forgotten. When I was alone crying, where were you? I know you don’t understand me quite well but I was the whole climate. I changed for seasons unlike in the past where it was mild swings. Because you know what hurts the most? Not the fact that I waited and kept waiting as I am already used to that and no matter how many years it may take, I’ll always wait for you. But it’s all because everything went back. You picked me up from the trauma and showed how love is but it’s as if my past resurfaced from the waters and told me how tragedies would always stay the same. That I would always end up this way no matter who I’m faced to. I felt guilty for slightly regretting that I praised your songs. Indeed you were meant to be connected with music and it’s your passion. I’m happy that I was able to show it to you but wouldn’t these happen if I didn’t start it all? I was wrong. I thought it made you happy but no. None of these made us happy. Your pieces of music weren’t to blame, I shouldn’t be blamed and neither were you. Where did everything go wrong? I don’t know, it just started to fall off. These lyrics were deeply engraved in my mind. You seemed so in love when I wasn’t able to show you what love is. If it was a person, she must’ve been so kind and understanding. She must’ve been someone who understood your secrets and feelings. And me? I couldn’t still get to you. I’m confused about what’s best for you or what you wanted all along. I don’t recognize the woman you’re writing about. Either it was the past me or someone new. Chris,

  who is it that you’re in love with?

  Cold air rushed through my skin as I closed my eyes and inhaled the scent of calm air. It wasn’t possible but it was enough to make me feel calm. I still appreciated our moments but I feel like I can’t wait anymore, Chris. It’s not because I’m tired but because I feel like you’ll be better without me. I hate the idea of me regretting I showed you your passion. I’ll be nothing but a whole burden. You’ll meet someone better who recognizes your life and by then she’ll be a brave one who can communicate with you. You’ll find someone new, or you already did. If anything, happiness is all I need in the end, at least at the ends of the world. It did happen. I was happy because the next thing I’ll do will be the bravest thing I had ever done after all my cowardly decisions in life, and it’s all because of you.

I stood up at the top of the porch and imagined a vivid scenery. It was you kneeling down to someone new. She did accept it and you were celebrating. Tears ran down my cheeks but was I smiling? Yes, it was indeed happiness seeing you take a break from the pressure and realize you needed to receive joy. I wasn’t able to give it to you but to think someone else would, contrasted the happiness and pain. “It’s time to let go” I opened my eyes slowly as I thought and saw the moonlight. I snapped out of my thoughts and cleared out my head. Because no matter what happened in between us, you crossed my mind in a second. And that’s when I knew, I still loved you despite the bittersweet rain.

10

[CHRIS POV]

  I heard sirens in front of the place that doesn’t feel like home anymore. Why? I heard how young and innocent the girl was and it was a pity to see her leave. It was a shock for me to the point that I hadn’t shed a single tear. Empty, hollow. It was all I could feel at the moment. Was she gone? Did she conclude to leave her out of my life?

Paper. That’s all I’ve seen on the desk. It’s prohibited to enter but I couldn’t believe what I’m seeing. The paper was crumpled and I believed you took the time to read this. Was my perspective wrong about you? Wasn’t this about you? I read the paper without further thinking and realized how I painted her as an angel. She is human, she was a human. Yet I’ve acted as if she was happy all the time, trying to save me from being a mess. Did I take a look back at her? No, instead I assumed too quickly. But what could that change? I was late and you’ve already given up. I was this close to preventing this but because I was so into writing a song made for you, I had forgotten the purpose to the point that it doesn’t seem like you anymore. Can I turn back time? If only I could. I needed to feel your warmth, I needed to see you one last time. I need you.

“Excuse me, do you know the victim?” A man from the authorities asked.

“Yes.”

Mixed emotions were vivid. I felt guilty but hoped you were happy in your last breath. The context of mines was complicated and I didn’t even notice it before. I abandoned to treat, as what I comprehend. Miscommunication rode the tides but it was undoubtedly true when I started to ignore people that surround me. I want to focus on you without realizing I left you. Is that even possible? It is now that I’ve seen it. Just like CDs, everything was played out in deja vu. People were different but things were just the same. It was how I became just like the person I despised all my life. But I did it for a reason, it’s not like I forgot about you. I just didn’t think how your feelings are right now but pursuing this song, is how I still remembered every bit of you. Would the ring I held on be given if I arrived earlier? No, I should’ve realized. I should’ve loved and made you feel how important you were to me in the days back then. In times you felt a hole in your chest, I should’ve been there to feel it up with love. I should’ve been there when you felt insecure. I should’ve been there when you felt all alone. But no matter how much I hurt myself, tear myself apart, it all ends with “I should’ve.” I’m sorry I couldn’t show you what I wanted to. I’m sorry I couldn’t love you until the very end.

I continued explaining to the man, 

  “She was my fiancée”

would you love me if I let go?

[the-writer-muse]

Rating the Books I Read in January

The Secret History by Donna Tartt - 3/5 stars

Technically I started this one in December, but I finished it in January, so I’m going to count it as a January read. I was a bit conflicted on how to feel about this book. On one hand, I love the prose, the twists, the exploration of morality, and the influence of literary classics.This book is a near-perfect blend of literary classic and thriller, and the best one that I've come across so far. However, I disliked the frequent, careless slurs, microaggressions, and stereotypes that were thrown around so casually in this book. On a related note, I would advise looking up trigger warnings before reading this book, for more reasons than just the ones mentioned. Finally, the ending seemed rushed and I wish I had been given more time to process the last chapter of the book before the epilogue.

A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder by Holly Jackson - 3/5 stars

I had really high expectations for this book because I’d heard so much about it on social media, but unfortunately it just fell flat for me. It wasn't terrible, but it was definitely not great. I related to Pip in some ways, most of them academic. However, I never saw Pip's non-academic personality, and she didn't feel real enough to me. I liked Ravi but I couldn't really connect to him or any of the other characters for that matter. Also I know this book is just fiction, but some of the events just bothered me and/or were highly unrealistic. I ended up rounding the original review of two stars up to three stars because I truly liked the friend and family dynamics and banter throughout this book. I'm disappointed that it didn't live up to my high expectations, but I suppose it’s my fault for reading books solely for the hype.

In Deeper Waters by F.T. Lukens - 3/5 stars

If you like queer, romance-centric fantasy books, this is the book for you. I, however, being a high fantasy snob, found it slightly too shallow (sorry for the pun) for my taste: the politics, government, and magic system felt extremely underdeveloped. And yes, I understand that the romance is the main part of this book and it’s not fair to rate it like a high fantasy book. However, even if I’m just rating it according to my entertainment level, I don’t feel particularly strongly about it one way or the other. The romance was easily the best part of the book; it was both sweet and shippable. I really liked the main character, Tal, and his character arc. Other than that, I don’t have too much else to say except that it was a decent read.

Fable by Adrienne Young - 4/5 stars

The second pirate-y book I read this month! If there’s one word I would use to describe this book, it would be “atmospheric.” Adrienne Young excels at bringing settings to life, as I learned in Fable. The descriptions were absolutely amazing and the worldbuilding had genuine depth (get it? okay I’ll see myself out now-). I liked how Fable was tough and resourceful, but she also had a softer personality and wasn’t afraid to show her vulnerable side sometimes. I also feel as though the crew of the Marigold was genuinely a found family instead of a bunch of friends, unlike so many other YA novels. The romance was sweet, although I wish Young had delved into West’s character more. I was a little disappointed at the ending, which I think could’ve been foreshadowed better. However, I'm excited to read the sequel soon. Thanks to @queenie.the.writer and @twoscomplemented_ for bringing this book to my attention!

Iron Widow by Xiran Jay Zhao - 4.5/5 stars

I actually knew about the author before I knew about the book! I followed their YouTube channel and TikTok page (they’re hilarious and well-informed, so I highly recommend checking them out!). The book itself did not disappoint. Zetian’s internal monologue had me laughing out loud and I loved her depth as a character. Don’t even get me started on her arc, because I could go on about it all day! In contrast, however Shimin and Yizhi seemed slightly shallower and could have been fleshed out more. I really liked their collective relationship and dynamic, but I wish it had been given more time to develop. The uniqueness of the mecha/Chinese dynasty-inspired setting and worldbuilding really appealed to me as well--I only wish that I had learned more about the history of the world itself. I would recommend this to anyone who enjoys female corruption arcs, feminism, and fast-paced action!

Daughter of the Deep by Rick Riordan - 5/5 stars

I was deliberating between 4.5 or 5 stars on this one, but I decided to just round up and rate it by how much I enjoyed it--which was a lot! It’s quite interesting seeing how Riordan’s writing matured from Percy Jackson. I also thought the entire main cast was fleshed out really well, which is a compliment coming from me--if you haven’t noticed from the previous reviews, I always pay close attention to the personalities of the characters I read. In this case, I found myself appreciating and relating to all of them in some way! The only fault I found with this book was the unrealistic ages of the characters. If they had been aged up a year or two, I think it would've been more realistic. Some of the worldbuilding also seemed like a large stretch. However, that didn’t stop me from enjoying the book. Reading this book reminded me of why I list Riordan as one of my inspirations. Humor, pacing, action scenes, worldbuilding--reading his books is like watching a master at work! I would recommend this to anyone who’s looking for a fun but high-stakes middle-grade sci-fi!

Scythe by Neal Shusterman - 5/5 stars

I was initially reluctant to read this book because I thought the premise was outlandish, but I decided to suspend my expectations, and I’m so glad I did! This book explores the best--and worst--of human nature. The worldbuilding is intricate, imaginative, and best of all, interesting! Usually in books I see worldbuilding as a good backdrop. Scythe, however, puts its worldbuilding at the forefront of the book, and that makes it so much stronger! The format of this book is engaging, with both journal entries and present-tense narratives, and the pacing flows quite well. Rowan and Citra were so intriguing and I thoroughly enjoyed following their journeys throughout the book. Thanks to @the-demi-jedi for recommending this book to me!

[alethiometry]

Edward Kenway for character asks!

ooooooo okay i should open this with a disclaimer: i have not finished black flag yet (about 2/3 of the way through i think? i need to level up my ship so i can beat the next story mission lol) so everything i'm saying here is based on the game up to thatch's death, and everything we know about edward in ac 3: forsaken and the comics that came out a couple years ago.

First impression

oh boy... to be honest, one of the reasons it took me such a long time to get around to playing black flag (it was one of the first ps4 games i bought when i got my console in 2016, and i didn't start until about a month ago) was because i didn't really feel particularly strongly about edward's character design. i was vaguely interested in That One Pirate Assassin Game after having watched (and loved) black sails, but was afraid i would be let down; to me edward just looked like Some Dude, and i was still hung up on the black sails gang. to me, black sails and its characters were so genre/time period-defining that any other piece of pirate media just seemed lackluster in comparison.

i'd also heard a lot of praise for edward and for ac4 in general so i was aware that it was a very popular and well-received game. but since i mostly heard that from reddit (didn't join tumblr ac fandom until odyssey in 2018) i kind of discounted it, bc gamer reddit tastes are... questionable at best.

Impression now

I LOVE HIM!!! i always think i want stories about virtuous characters who believe in goodness and kindness and aren't motivated by gold or glory but aren't afraid to do what needs to be done to help others who can't help themselves. and sometimes that's true (coughratonhnhake:toncough). other times i end up clowning on myself because i realize that it's so much fun when said good/kind character has a rough and rugged exterior, and is motivated by personal gain (i think edward and kassandra are kinda kindred spirits across time and space in that regard, but maybe that's another rant for another time). sometimes you just want someone to be a little bit of an opportunistic bastard, and boy does edward fit that to a T. he's an incredibly complex man, and i think what really got me was that even as he was impersonating assassins and then templars and then assassins again, all for personal gain (pickpocketing the templars in havana while he gains their trust and agrees to do their dirty work lmfao my beloved <3), his primary motivation for doing so was to prove to caroline and her family that he is someone worth a damn, that he is capable of great things and that he is worthy of their love and acceptance. and i know from ac forsaken that the marriage with caroline doesn't last (though i haven't played ac4 far enough to see if that happens on screen, or if it occurs between the game and the novel) which makes his backstory in the game all the more heartbreaking. but his optimism and perseverance and determination to prove himself are all what make me love him.

so that's edward the romantic. now let's talk about the way edward is with adewale, his crew, and his friends. and let's also put the rest of this behind a readmore bc girl i am RANTINGGGGGG

he has several lines that he says to adewale that make me physically cringe (namely: "many of [these men] wouldn't accept you as captain" or "what was it like being enslaved?" like i get that someone like edward would be asking that question in good faith and genuine curiosity but also JESUS CHRIST UBISOFT). but on the flip side - cringey as those questions are, he also takes the time to actually listen and learn, and i think he genuinely values the perspective that he gets from adewale allowing him to open these lines of trust and communication. there's a patience and mutual respect there that i adore.

i also love how much edward loves his crew and his other pirate friends. those scenes of him + kidd + thatch + adewale + hornigold (lol) drinking on the beach and having a grand old time and talking about establishing - to borrow one of my favorite chills-down-my-spine phrases from black sails - a nation of thieves, for people like them to live and prosper, free from the chokehold of civilization. and i know he's not as outwardly invested in counterculture/independence/anticolonialism as thatch and vane and kidd are, but the fact that he so wholeheartedly supports his friends' goals, lofty and impossible as they are, speaks volumes about his love for his friends.

Favorite moment

every scene he has with kidd when kidd casually and softly reminds him that they see that he is a good person beneath his opportunistic and rambunctious exterior. i especially love when they discover julien du casse's mansion containing orders for templars to go out and hunt down assassins: the way kidd immediately knows that edward wants to help the assassins as a way to make up for the damage he did while masquerading as a templar, even if he hasn't voiced it aloud himself. the way that they don't force edward to admit anything about himself before he is ready, but still constantly remind him that he has a good heart. they give him space to come to terms with his compassionate side in a world/environment that more often than sees compassion as something to be stamped out or cast aside. i don’t love when characters are forced to be the Moral Compass for a main dude character, but i think it works for edward and kidd.

Idea for a story

not an edward story per se, but there are 2 povs into edward's life that i would cut off (someone else's) limbs for:

jenny's pov growing up in the kenway household. from haytham's pov it seems that she knows way more about his past than haytham ever did (it was hinted at that there are rumors about edward’s past as haytham was growing up that he wasn’t privy to, but i don’t think at any point in the novel does haytham ever find out definitively that his father was a pirate) and i want to know how she knew so much, and more into what her life was like - through her eyes rather than haytham, who is like 10 years younger and by his own admission barely understands her and barely has a functional relationship with her. i'll expand further on edward and jenny in the next question/prompt/bullet point, actually, bc i have a LOT more to say.

connor's pov learning about his grandfather from... idk? who's around to tell him? what's so goddamn sad is that by the time connor rebuilds the colonial brotherhood he's kinda the only one left. sure there's aveline down in louisiana, but as far as we know everyone who was around in edward's generation is dead now, and i'm not sure how much of the kenway saga is preserved for connor to discover, or if all this information about their family line was discovered in the modern-day, by your abstergo employee character, and later by osto berg in the comics. which is why i so badly want a revelations-style game where connor traces his assassin heritage back to the caribbean, relives some of edward's memories, and then makes the trip to london to see his aunt jenny. it would have been such a cool way to round out the kenway saga.

Unpopular opinion

idk how popular or unpopular this is bc i rarely see other in-depth posts about it on my dash, but edward was a terrible father to jenny. he was every bit the wonderful and loving father to haytham for the 10 years that haytham had a father, but i wish we'd seen more of jenny's perspective than just a few lines of dialogue in haytham's diary: i hate the way edward sidelined her and raised her in the same manner that any other wealthy person of the time would have raised their daughter - that is, for the sole purpose of sitting pretty and marrying her off in an arrangement that would benefit the family. it's especially hard to reconcile because in ac4 there are female assassins in the americas, and there are female pirates in the caribbean, so it's not like edward isn't aware that women have as much right as any man to live life on their own terms. it just seems like by the time he returns to england and settles down with his family, he's reverted back to the societal norms and gender roles that the pirates fought (and lost) against, and it's hard not to be deeply disappointed by that.

to be clear, i don't begrudge edward settling down and becoming a Rich Society Man. dude deserves to live comfortably with his loving family. he has every right to dote on his wife and children, and leave behind the hardships of being a pirate. but i think "fightning against deeply-ingrained cultural norms/expectations is a long and bloody struggle, and after losing so many people he cared so deeply about, i think it's understandable that edward wouldn't want to continue that fight alone (and also adewale is still fighting the good fight) (do NOT @ me about ac rogue I Pretend I Do Not See It)" and "i don't love the way edward sidelined his daughter into societally-expected gender roles she did not want; it makes me think that he did not continue drinking his Respect Women Juice as much as i thought he did/wanted him to" are two opinions that can coexist.

Favorite relationship

i don't know that i ship edward romantically with anyone, actually. i thought he and caroline were cute in the beginning, but it's hard to want to ship them knowing that she leaves him eventually. and ofc there'd edward/tessa in ac forsaken, and we know they were very happy together and that he loved her so so much. but we don't see that relationship except through haytham's eyes.

as for non-romantic relationships, i already talked at length above about his relationships with adewale and the other pirates and kidd, and i'll just leave it at that. i'm also vaguely aware that edward's got some upcoming scenes with anne bonny, but i'm not at that point in the game yet so i don't have much to say about the two of them. so far i've only seen them say a few lines to each other at the nassau tavern.

Favorite headcanon

kassandra absolutely rubbed shoulders with edward at some point during his time in the caribbean; i like to think that she needed to lie low for some reason (maybe she was with the assassins idk) and joined his crew. i just need my best stabby gal and my second-favorite stabby dude to be pals!

finally, this isn't a headcanon per se but it is obligatory that any time i talk about kenways i yell for a bit about the fact that EDWARD WOULD HAVE LOVED CONNOR SO SO SO MUCH AND I'M FOREVER DEVASTATED THAT HE NEVER GOT TO MEET HIM. at the same time, if edward hadn't been murdered and haytham not been indoctrinated into the templars the way he had, i'm not sure connor would even have existed. and in a way i'm glad that edward wasn't around to see how broken and cynical and depressed haytham became, because i think that would have absolutely broken his heart.

send me a character!

[phantomnostalgist]

Ethan Freeman Phantom interview

An interview with Ethan Freeman from about 1994 or 1995, printed in “Beneath the Mask” #8 (which I haven’t found my print copy of yet, but the interview was reproduced on our old POTO fan site). 

Also of note about Ethan: at the time he was one of the two youngest actors to have played the Phantom - he and Anthony Warlow were both 28 or 29 when first cast in the role.

Are there any differences between London and Vienna - if so, what are they? The general tone of the production in Vienna was slightly more Operetta-like, probably due to the language, the sound of the translation and style of acting of some of the players. The tempo was also at some points quite different depending on who was conducting, and would undoubtedly feel strange to me now. The audience tended to be less tuned in to the humorous moments in the show in general, and some scenes like "Managers I & II" for example, simply run better and are more clever in English.

How did you get the role? I got the role of the Phantom after auditioning for Hal Prince and Gillian Lynne and the Viennese producer and musical staff. They appeared very excited about the audition. I'd sung "Music of the Night" which they praised in a friendly manner (Hal is always positive and encouraging), and they sent me off to learn the segment from the Final Lair "Order your fine horses... This is the choice. This is the point of no return!" When I came back the next day to do it (the Phantom candidates appeared by then to have been reduced to three) Hal said "OK Ethan I want you to scare me!" So I did the section with as much power and venom as I could muster (Id never seen the show - I think Id heard the record once or twice...) and after it was done, Hal just said "Great. You scared me!" and that was that really. Later that day they explained to Alexander Goebel and me what they would like and would we be willing to share, obviously with Alex, who was very well known, being the dominant of the two. So we split 5/2 which frequently ended up being 4/3 as the run went along.

How did you research the character? I read the novel finally, all the way through. Ruth Hale, my partner in "Cats" at the time, later to premiere as Mme Giry in the Hamburg production, gave me a copy as a present. I'd seen several of the films over the years so I knew there wasn't much to be mined from those - although Lon Chaney Snr did display some magnificent body language, and I've nicked at least one dramatic gesture from him. Principally though, I had several long meetings with Hal in New York to talk about the role and show. He instructed me to go watch Michael a few times then come back and talk some more. Crawford was magnificent, at the peak of his vocal power and still fairly fresh in the role and I was moved and impressed as I have not been since by a Phantom. (Though Dave Willetts, I must say, also made a huge impression the first time I saw him, for his power and well-delineated psychotic behaviour.) At first I thought boy, you've got your work cut out for you on all fronts. So, I would say my "research" of the role was principally based on my own discussions with Hal and also largely on my own thoughts and feelings. Obviously most of the physical manifestations of the role, make-up, costume, blocking, etc were predetermined so there wasn't much scope for change. To be honest, I feel some of the Phantoms I've seen tend, in an effort to be different, to stray from the basic line of the drama and weaken themselves as a result. Michael's acting was extreme, yet very clear and economical at the same time, and I also try to offer the audience a complicated and ambiguous character going through clear, unambiguous moments of his life - otherwise it's so easy for the audience not to "get" everything that's there - or to "get" things that aren't intended to be there at all.

How do you feel on stage? So varied in thought and feeling that I can't really give a concise answer. I feel quite differently now to how I felt 600 odd shows ago. I used to have to concentrate on staying concentrated - now it just happens. I know what to achieve and just try to let it happen. I'd say I'm both in and out of Erik at the same time and he in me.

Do you think it's based on a true story ie. did the Phantom exist? I doubt it - I haven't read this newer novel "Phantom" yet and don't intend to until I finish playing the part. However I've been to the Palais Garnier and in all senses of the word it is a 'phantastic' theatre, one which easily conjures up many stirring images - beautifully represented in the Phantom designs, I'd say!

What do you think of Erik? I wish he'd let me have a little more time to myself! Oh, I don't know. He's a sad, bitter, brilliant man. He has a great brain and can be a real bastard. I find him easy to understand - he's motivated by a terrible profound loneliness and has been forced to create his own universe which has its own laws. Anyone who has known some kind of loneliness or feeling of apartness when they were children or growing up can tune in to this crucial aspect of the Man, which is his great mythical attraction. He is so powerful, awesome, in control and yet so hurt and vulnerable. He must epitomise great beauty and great ugliness at war with each other, reason and insanity, God/Satan, Id/Ego battling it out. In the end, he learns about sacrifice, shows mercy and is redeemed by love - a great, archetypal Romantic drama - another reason why the story has always been so popular. I can't stand it when I see Erik played as a "nutter". Yes, he goes "crazy" a few times, but in general he is not insane in the pathological sense. I feel if he is played as a schizophrenic or a psychopath, the romantic ideal of the story is dashed, because both of those conditions would indicate a "determination" that makes any hope of redemption impossible, and would break with the "Romantic" style. He is very melancholy, angry, egocentric, neurotic perhaps, and goes off into rages of frustrated sexuality, but he is not insane. And I'll kill anyone who thinks otherwise!

What do you think happens to him at the end? That's our little secret! I think the different fan magazines have probably spent pages on that so I don't see I need to contribute. He goes!

Why do you think the show is so appealing? Some lovely songs, great orchestrations, a nice mixture of melodrama and light comedy, some stunning sets and a lot of good theatrical magic: and on the thematic side, many of the things I've mentioned before, which I suppose you could define as the archetypal Beauty and the Beast scenario which, if honestly portrayed, can tug the heartstrings of even the most urbane Japanese businessman.

What is your favourite role of those you've played? Obviously Phantom is the supreme role in my repertoire to date. I did however, really enjoy my stints in other Lloyd Webber shows as well. Che in "Evita" was very cool to play and Gus/Growltiger, while exceedingly 'uncool' thanks to the heavy knitted costumes, was a joy to play, despite being totally knackering, and one that I was surely born to do. I really enjoyed doing Hajj, the Poet in "Kismet" with the BBC Radio 2 last year, working with the composers, and would love to have the chance to do that again on stage someday.

What role would you like to play? I'd quite hope to have a go at Sweeney Todd somewhere down the line and would still like to play the Celebrant in "Bernstein's Mass" at some point. (I've nearly done that a couple of times.) Add to that a heap of great operatic roles I'd love to do but probably never will and whatever new, unknown roles lie lurking up ahead. We'll wait and see!

End note from me - Ethan’s wrong about schizophrenia, but hey, this interview was 25 years ago and actors can’t be expected to be experts on mental illness. But I really love this interview, the depth he goes into, and how his sense of humour comes through too.

[ouyangzizhensdad]

I wonder sometimes where the fandom perception of/jokes about Lan Xichen being wangxian’s biggest fan/supporter came from. Because, based only on the events of the novel (disregarding all the potential impact of fan interpretations of cql becoming general fanon applied to the novel), we are shown very clearly that lxc is ambivalent toward their romantic relationship: not against it, but wary of wwx due to his actions in general and, more importantly, how he perceives wwx has acted towards his little brother.

“wasn’t he encouraging their relationship when he invited wwx to come along (waterborn abyss )?”: lxc  had no idea of the depth of lwj’s feelings at the time . He saw that lwj was partial to wwx, and it was his wish that his little brother make friends his age and just open up to others more generally. In fact, up until the moment lwj fights off the 33 elders, we can infer that every time lxc encourages their interactions, it is not because he means to encourage his little brother’s crush/love. A proof within the narrative is that, when they have the conversation about lwj wanting to bring “someone” back to the Cloud Recesses, lxc doesn’t know who he’s talking about--if he knew of lwj’s feelings for wwx, the answer would have been crystal clear.

“but that still means lxc thought lwj being around wwx was a good idea”: but that was before everything that happened during and after buyetian. lxc clearly resents (to a degree--i mean, he’s still lxc!) and holds wwx responsible for lwj hurting his clan members and getting punished. 

Wei Wuxian, “Whip scars?!” He grabbed Lan Xichen again, “Lan-zongzhu, I really don’t know. Please tell me, just how did he get those injuries? How could they possibly be related to me?!?”

Anger could be seen on Lan Xichen’s face, “If it were not related to you, could he have done those to himself without a reason?!” Zewu-jun had always been an extremely patient person, but now that Lan Wangji was involved, he was truly angered. ”

“lxc allowed lwj to bring wwx back to the Cloud Recesses after the whole ordeal at jinlintai bc he was rooting for them”: But he did it not (only) because he wants his little brother to be happy and safe, but because of his own sense of righteousness and justice. He does not know whether wwx is truly guilty or if he’s being framed--but it’s important to note that he’s not just taking wwx at his words, he’s simply offering him an opportunity to prove his claims.

Lan Xichen nodded, “Wei-gongzi, no need to worry. Before the truth is entirely revealed, I will not be partial to either side or reveal your whereabouts. Or else, I would not have allowed Wangji to take you to my Hanshi or helped with your injuries.”

Wei Wuxian, “Lan-zhongzhu, I’m grateful that you gave me this opportunity. The fact that Chifeng-zun’s head is inside of Jin Guangyao’s secret chamber is nothing but true. Not only have I seen it, I’ve seen some other things due to having been affected by its energy of resentment. Maybe this could offer some proof?”

Lan Xichen replied calmly, “Wei-gongzi, perhaps you have seen some things indeed. However, you cannot prove that you saw those things within the secret chamber of Jinlintai.”

“lxc tells wwx about his mother and about how steadfast lwj is!”: Yeah, and if that’s not a “stop messing around with his little brother and please take his feelings seriously” speech, i don’t know what is! He’s also literally telling him: “my understanding of my parents’ relationship is that my dad’s love for my mom, who didn’t love him back, ruined his life and hers”--let’s wonder why he thought that that was a relevant thing to point out to wwx at this moment in the narrative. lxc is not against the idea of lwj and wwx getting together--he’s ambivalent. The same way he is ambivalent about the memory of his mother. 

“My shufu… has always had a frank personality to begin with. Because of how my mother caused my father to destroy his own life, he began to hate those who behaved improperly even more.” 

[...]

“He was still too young to understand what ‘gone’ means. No matter how much others comforted him, how much Shufu scolded him, he would continue to come back here every single month, sit down in the hallway, and wait for someone to open the door for him. When he grew older, he understood that Mother would not come back anymore, that nobody would open the door for him, but he kept on coming here.” 

 Lan Xichen stood up. His dark eyes looked into Wei Wuxian’s, “Wangji has been this stubborn ever since he was young.”

[...]

He spoke, “Lan-furen must’ve been a very gentle woman.” 

Lan Xichen, “In my memories, Mother had indeed been so. I do not know why she did such a thing back then. And, in truth, I…” He took in a deep breath before confessing, “Do not want to know either.” 

After a few moments of silence, Lan Xichen closed his eyes. He took out Liebing. A gust of night wind suddenly sent forth a sobbing note of the xiao. The sound was deep, like a sigh. Wei Wuxian had heard Lan Xichen play Liebing before. Its timbre was just like Lan Xichen himself, as warm and graceful as the breeze and the rain of spring. Yet, now, although his technique was as excellent as ever, the tone evoked a strange mixture of feelings.

“but the whole speech in guanyin temple is about lxc helping wangxian get together”: Is it? Talking of the events after butyetien, he ends up calling wwx the “only mistake” lwj has ever made in his life. I would like to think that means he’s not going to be starting the wangxian fanclub anytime soon. 

“With the ways in which he looked and talked to you when he saved you and hid you in that cave, even someone who was blind or deaf could perceive his feelings, which was why Shufu was in such anger. Wangji was a model for the disciples when he was young, and a prominent cultivator when he grew up. In his whole life he had been honest and righteous and immaculate—you were the only mistake he made!”

but perhaps more importantly, lxc is not saying these things to wwx so that he can make sure wangxian gets together. He’s saying these things because he wants wwx to stop hurting lwj. From his pov, wwx knows of lwj’s feelings, and simplu keep using them to jerk him around

“And you say… And you say you do not know. Wei-gongzi, after you returned in your body, how did you pester him and confess to him? Every night… Every night, you had to… And you say you do not know? If you did not know, why did you do such things?”

TLDR: Lan Xichen is not trying to get wangxian together; he wants his little brother to be happy, and sometimes that means he is wary of wwx and their relationship, and other times that he is open to seeing that their relationship is what lwj wants and makes him happy. His ambivalent understanding of his parents’ relationship further colours the ways in which he is able to contextualize lwj’s and wwx’s actions until they officially become a couple.