#I’ve had a plan for this since 2021 and have been looking forward to moving on campus because this is what I mean

[whimsycore]

I have been paying bills and paying for groceries every month since I’ve been home. I regularly help my mother out and don’t mind it. Why did this woman just call her family on speaker to say “well she’s not moving out anytime soon” and the relative busted out laughing like. What really kills me is how y’all will play in the faces of people you actually need.

[amltdaily]

Before last weekend, I had no idea that Gary Mendez’s death and my mom’s had anything to do with each other.

(This is a TV story, I promise. Just stick with me.)

Last week, I had the honor of moderating some panels at ATX TV Festival in Austin, Texas. I love moderating, funneling a ton of preparation and research into what — if I do my job right — becomes a fun and illuminating conversation. One of my panels was titled “TV Screens for Cancer,” and it was sponsored by Hollywood, Health & Society. Despite what might at first glance seem like very grim subject matter, I was really looking forward to the opportunity to ask a bunch of TV writers about the cancer storylines they’d crafted over the years.  

I had a personal reason for wanting in on the discussion, too. My mother, Susan Roots, died in May 2021 from Stage IV breast cancer.

The fact of that sentence, by the way, is still as surreal to me as it was the week she passed. I don’t have much memory of when, in a fog of grief and distracted by funeral arrangements, I contacted ABC publicity to let them know I couldn’t make a prearranged phone interview with A Million Little Things creator/showrunner DJ Nash. I’d covered the show since its start; I vaguely recall being grateful, given the tight timelines related to broadcast finales, that our Season 3 finale call was moved to a time more convenient for me.

The conversation I eventually had with Nash, though, stands out in clear detail in my brain. I sat at my parents’ white kitchen table, wearing a shirt of my mother’s because I hadn’t brought enough clothes with me when I rushed home. I was about to launch into my questions when he gently interrupted.

“Tell me a story about your mom,” he said.

If you’ve had the experience of witnessing a loved one in the terminal phase of an illness, you know how tough it can be to think of any time when your shared lives didn’t revolve around the soul-grinding details, and how hard it is to think about anything else once the person has passed. When to administer morphine. Which hospice nurse is coming today. Which setting on the hospital bed brings the least discomfort. Nash’s kind, simple request delivered me from that for a moment.

I told him about a car ride I’d had as a kid with my mom, her mom and her aunt. The horn malfunctioned while we were on the highway, honking randomly, loudly and with abandon at the unsuspecting drivers all around us. My mom, grandmother and great aunt couldn’t stop laughing. My mom gasped for breath, wiping at her streaming eyes as she tried to hold it together so we didn’t run off the road. I cackled too, partly because the horn really was ridiculous, partly out of the novelty of seeing these three women lose themselves in such unhinged fashion.

Nash listened. He chuckled. When I was done, we went on with the interview as planned. I’ve been lucky to have a lot of great conversations with people who make TV over the years, but that one stands out — even more so now, for reasons I’ll get to in a minute.

For those unfamiliar with A Million Little Things, it was an hour-long drama that ran on ABC for five seasons. It followed a group of friends in Boston. At the end of the series, one of the friends — Gary Mendez (played by James Roday Rodriguez), whose experience as a breast cancer survivor was an integral part of the show — died of lung cancer.

As A Million Little Things’ boss and the arbiter of Gary’s fate, Nash was a great fit for the ATX panel last weekend. He was joined by fellow TV writers Erica Green Swafford (New Amsterdam), Adam Weissman (The Good Doctor) and Stephen Hootstein (Chicago Med), all of whom generously engaged with my questions about how to balance realistic portrayals of cancer and making good TV.

Remember how I said I like to be super-prepared for panels? Nash knocked all of that askew when, in front of the audience, he revealed something he hadn’t shared before.

“There’s a moment in the finale that was put in for you,” he said, referring to our conversation years before. “When Walter says to Rome, ‘Tell me a story about Gary.’”

ATX (which is owned by TVLine’s parent company, PMC) filmed the event, so you can see my surprise in the video at the top of this post. I was touched. I was flummoxed. I turned an even deeper shade of red than I normally do while public speaking. Reporters are taught to cover news, not make themselves the center of it. So while I was (and am!) flattered by Nash’s gesture, it was a little unsettling suddenly to find myself on the other side of things.

Most of all, though, I felt a deep gratitude that my mom’s existence was, in an indirect yet careful way, immortalized in a medium she adored.

When the panel was over, after making Nash swear to me yet again that he was telling the truth about the origin of Walter’s line, I confessed that I’d since stolen his story thing and used it when I didn’t know what to say to someone who was grieving. I recommend it.

So there you go: A brief moment of human connection in an industry that traffics in transactional conversations left us both with something meaningful. And somewhere, my primetime-drama-loving mom is absolutely overjoyed that she’s now a part — however far removed — of TV lore.

[savelonkar]

Parental Alien Nation - the world I live in

"Parental alienation is an emotional act of violence that is aimed at an adult, but critically wounds a child" - Steve Maraboli

Parents, you know that feeling of peace and calm, when you are first to wake up in your house, and you savor a nice cup of joe while your kids are all cozied up in their beds? I have not known that peace for a long time. It’s a distant feeling for me. I bought a house last summer, and my own kids have not ever slept in their rooms. I tend to avoid that part of the house, as the empty beds are stark reminders that I, Brian Lonkar, am a father of six who only see their dad a few hours every other week. It gets worse.

On top of this lonely life I’ve been trying to live these past few years, I continue to experience the fallout from my ex’s parental alienation, also known as emotional child abuse. According to the National Center of State Courts (2023), parental alienation is a campaign strategy whereby one parent intentionally displays unjustified negativity toward the other parent, with the goal of wielding that unjustified negativity to get the kids to turn on the other parent.

What is her motivation to behave this way? What good can come from this concerted effort of kid-brainwashing and dad-bashing? It’s not healthy and it’s not right. Why does she hate me so much that she fabricates stories and untruths to my children, not to mention all around town to anyone who will listen? You would think that since her own father abandoned her and lived in the same town for years, you would think she would not want to recreate the same scenario for her own children. When did this start? More importantly, when will this end? What has this looked like? How has this affected the mental health of myself, and more importantly, the mental health of our children?

In the hopes of thinking this through, what follows is a brief timeline of events in the past few years.

In the spring of 2021, shortly after an emotional blowout marriage counseling session, Cherrie filed for legal separation. I was the sole provider the first 15 years of marriage, yet once she started making some money, she was crystal clear that her money was HER MONEY, and her rapidly growing business was HER BUSINESS. While vacationing in the panhandle with a friend, she called and asked, “Separation or divorce?” She demanded a decision then and there, as then her lawyer would know what papers to file. I told her I didn’t really know the difference. Even though I was 99% sure this would lead to divorce, there was maybe a 1% chance of hope of still working things out. Well maybe less than 1%. So I said, “Separation, I guess”

A month later, in June 2021, she drove me around to a dozen apartments in town, and then she personally recommended the apartment complex for me to move into. Her rationale was that I had to move somewhere close. She chose this particular complex, as it was less than five miles from her house, and the kids had been to birthday parties there before. In addition, the kids had some pseudo-grandparent figures that lived there during the snowbird season. She asked me to leave the house immediately, but reluctantly agreed with my proposition that I needed a week to figure this all out, mentally prepare for my uprooting, and the big life changes that lie ahead for the whole family. A week later, with nothing but a backpack and clothes, I moved into an empty 2-bedroom apartment.

Less than a week passed and I told her my decision to move forward with a divorce was official. She had had a 2-week vacation planned to take all the kids to Michigan. Even after the decision to file for divorce, she asked me if I could go with her to Michigan and pretend we were still married, as she did not want to tell her family. I balked at the idea, and said there was no way I could do that, that she should just tell her family. So, she left for two weeks with all the children.

Little did I know that Cherrie was already working on her web of lies, telling the world, “Brian is a father that abandoned his kids and was drinking, drugging, and that’s what led to the divorce.” When did these false claims start? Just this past weekend, someone informed me that that ^^^ is exactly the story Cherrie told them back in June 2021 while they were vacationing in Michigan and visiting Chicago, my hometown!

Did I mention that I was completely sober for the last few years of our marriage and through the separation and divorce?

Back to the story. Back to the truth. So it’s June and the kids are with Cherrie in Michigan. The kids called once or twice while they were there. Shortly after they returned, the Department of Child Services launched an investigation of me for child abuse. DCS interviewed the kids, myself, and my ex, and they confirmed there was nothing to prevent me from seeing our children. I had lawyered up by then, and my lawyer sent her lawyer a request for me to see the children. My ex agreed to the kids Facetiming at a certain date/time. There were no court orders to prevent me from seeing the children, but she was “worried for the safety of the children,” and might agree to supervised visitation. Further, she stated that it was under the advisement of the Department of Child Services that I have supervised visitation. Only THAT was not true. She was completely making that up. DCS NEVER made that advisement. DCS never said anything about me not being a safe parent. So, I had my lawyer asked to setup Facetime calls with the kids. For 15 years, the only time I had left the kids was for a day and a half when I went to surprise my father for his 60th bday in 2009. Now my fatherhood was reduced to a few Facetimes. The situation grew ever bleaker.

Cherrie would tell me the kids wanted to speak with me, but when I called, she told me that they were already in bed. She would then try asking me questions about the case she was soon to be filing against me. It was weird to say the least, and I would not partake in that type of discussion. What was this woman planning? Through my lawyer, I requested parenting time, as it had been too long already that I had not seen my kids that lived just down the street. Cherrie told her lawyer that “per DCS” she was advised that “visitation was not permitted.” Again, there were no court orders in place. She was intentionally using the kids as pawns, purposefully keeping my kids from seeing me. She was going rogue and making things up, with false claims and fabricated endorsements from authorities, social workers, and any friends and employees that would help reinforce her lies. Parental alienation written all over it, right? Let’s call a spade a spade. There was an intentional 24/7 smear campaign to destroy me and my relationships with all my children. You would think that after 20 years of devotion and building a family, there might be an ounce of respect, right? WRONG! A day or so later, she filed a case in Family Court, and a judge issued emergency temporary orders that BANNED me from seeing the kids till September when a court date was scheduled.

So that was on July 16th, 2021, when the motion for emergency temporary orders was filed in family court. In the filing, DCS went on the record stating there was no need for a safety plan to be put in place, even though Cherrie’s lawyer had asked for this. DCS also said that Cherrie stated she had been keeping the kids at home during summer, as she feared that I would come and grab the kids if she took them to any camps or other public places. What the what? Parental alienation. School was about to start in early August, and my ex said the kids would be “exposed to the danger of the Father picking them up from school” (exact words). I hadn’t seen the kids since June 16th, before they all went to Michigan. I also had not had any contact with any one of them since that time, and I had not once gone to go see them, as any efforts to do so would have been used against me in court for sure. My ex said, “Brian is pressing to see the children and he is aware that the children will still start school, where he could pick them up if there were no court orders preventing him from doing so.” She also said that there were multiple complaints from the children of physical abuse. These fictitious claims were again all in her campaign to alienate me from my kids. Parental alienation. She told the judge of my DUI in 2017, and said she believed I had been drinking. She said Brian has “undiagnosed mental health issues and/or an untreated mental health diagnosis,” said I was “bipolar,” “likely using drugs and/or alcohol,” and requested a mental health evaluation. Cherrie claimed domestic violence, questioned my mental health stability, and had concerns about the safety and welfare of the children. In that same filing, she also said she would be filing for an Order of Protection for the children. Her lawyer requested the judge:

Award her temporary sole-decision-making

“Award” Father with supervised visitation

Submit a full panel of drug/alcohol testing

Order documentation to support her claims of my mental health instability

Order me to pay for all her legal fees

Since this was an “emergency filing,” the judge immediately granted her temporary sole custody, and set the court date for an evidentiary hearing on August 16, 2021.

I went two full months without seeing or speaking to any of my six children. I lived down the street from them, in the apartment that my ex chose for me, and was barred from seeing or speaking with my children. Can you imagine? My guess is that you cannot. Oh and during this time, my ex also rehomed our two 2-year-old dogs to some place in Georgia, and moved our oldest child to her friend’s house that was thinking of starting a developmental group home. I did not find all these things out until later.

On August 16th, both lawyers presented their case. The judge said, “Wait. You have not seen the kids in two months? They are coming over to your place today, and they did. He said custody would be 50/50 and a future court date was scheduled for November to discuss the dissolution of the marriage (i.e., divorce agreement).   

In November around Thanksgiving, our divorce agreement was filed. 50/50 kids, mutual decision-making. You would think there would be some finality when the divorce was final. You would think there would be some peace. But no, that could not be further from the truth.

Cherrie does not like following the court orders, especially when they do not benefit her. She was not sharing the kids with me 50% of the time. I told her that if she would not agree to the 50-50 kids that was court-ordered in November 2021, that I would just bring her back to court to get them to enforce it. Since I had brought up court, we went to the 50-50, and I thought it would be smooth sailing from there. Side note, by that time I had gotten an app called Our Family Wizard. I highly recommend it for parents that get divorced. Getting that app was a lifesaver for me, as before that time I had been receiving a barrage of texts and emails at all hours of the day and night. Ever since we split, my goal was to create a happy, peaceful life and reestablish my connections with my kids, as they, like any children of divorce, have to learn to navigate a life lived in two different homes.

A quick funny here just to lighten up this blog, then we’ll get back to the parental alienation bit.

While the kids were at my place, I sat them down for an important family meeting. I asked them some questions. I said, “When we were all in the same home, who was the president?” “MOM,” they all screamed in unison. “Who was the vice president?” “You/Dad,” they replied. “Who do people remember, the president or the vice president?” “The president!” they said. “Now, we live in two different homes. You have a life with your mother, and a life with your father. Who is the president now at mom’s house?” “Mom,” they exclaimed. “Who is the president at dad’s house?” A few of them still said “Mom!” Um, no.

Please read my “All I Wanted for Christmas” blog for details on the crazy events of Sept-Dec 2022.

Back to this story. So, it’s September 2022. My ex filed another emergency temporary order, a copy/paste with all the same claims against me, and for the past year I have only seen my kids every other Saturday. When you add up the hours I have seen them, it will add up to 8 days by the time this is all said and done. Her parental alienation, her emotional child abuse efforts, have been consistent ever since June 2021. That has not changed. Not once have any of her claims against me been validated or substantiated. Not one. Not by DCS, not by the police, not by the courts, not by anyone. Why is this so? BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL LIES. Unfortunately, my relationship with all of my kids continues to suffer.

There is so much more. If you remember, though I cried and begged the judge to allow my kids to come to my PhD graduation, they were prevented from going. My ex has blocked me from attending performances, orientations, even told schools I am not allowed to see my kids there (which is not true). She discovered I was at one of our kid’s tennis matches, and called him telling him he had to leave the meet early. Many of the kids have diagnoses or conditions that are "only at dad's house," though I see them just hours every othre week. These are just a few bullet points of my dad-bashed life over the past few years riddled with parental alienation.

Please keep me and my children in your thoughts and prayers. The date to settle custody will likely be close to the end of this year. Hopefully, the nightmare will be over then, at least, until she creates the next nightmare situation. Even next week, I go to court for criminal charges by her. I guess that means you can expect another blog next week. Ugh. Life should not be this hard, especially when all I want is peace.

I created this blog to raise awareness and bring the truth to the surface in this nightmare that is my unfortunate life at this time. I do have a GoFundMe to assist with the legal fees that continue to incur as I am in the fight of my life to get my kids back. Whether you donate a dollar, share my blog with others, or just keep me and my kids in your prayers, I appreciate the support of my friends and family during these trying times. From the depths of my daddy heart, I thank you for reading and thank you for your continued support.

GoFundMe: https:gofund.me/8a71bc5e

[amplesalty]

Christmas 2022 - Day 2 - Home Alone: The Holiday Heist (2012)

On t he second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

...two thousand dollars worth of tools!

Oh hey, we’ve reached the point where they got embarrassed about the number of sequels they were making. We took a diversion last year to look at the newest entry in the franchise, Home Sweet Home Alone, but we’re going back into the archives now to check out the last new to me entry actually set at Christmas. I’ve never seen 3 but I know that’s not set at Christmas and doesn’t involve the McAllisters either but maybe I’ll look at that one day as a random review just for the sake of completeness. With this coming out in 2012, it almost sort of maybe looks like they’re going for a ‘once a generation’ thing where they draw in one bunch of kids, then hit the next batch when the others have grown up. I mean, you had the original and the sequel at the beginning of the 90’s, 3 came out mid-to-late 90’s, then 4 was early noughties, now this one in the early tens and finally HSHA in 2021. At this rate I suppose we can look forward to the next entry in the early 2030’s. Maybe by then it’ll be set on a terraformed Mars.

I don’t know why but I’ve somehow always managed to misjudge this art for the film. I think something about the hair looking floppy made me think he was a spoilt little rich kid. Plus what is quite plainly a hoodie I’d somehow seen as like a blazer of sorts with a tie. I can only assume I only ever glanced at this and didn’t pay too much attention because boy is that ever a wide of the mark assessment. Indeed, this is the story of your average American family with 2.4 kids who have moved all the way from California to Maine in aid of mom’s new job.

At least he’s doing the whole ‘scream’ thing here to immediately remind you of the old movies. They even mention the painting at one point and the kids get oddly embarrassed at their parents doing the pose. I don’t know if he’s really selling fear here though, he just looks slightly appalled by something.

Fittingly for Maine the house is allegedly haunted by the spirit of an old timey bootlegger but we’re not exactly going into Stephen King territory here. It does give extra reason for our young protagonist, Finn (played by Christian Martyn), to be scared senseless but he doesn’t exactly need any help since he’s pretty much scared of his own shadow most of the time. It’s also the motivation for our obligatory gang of baddies as they plan to steal a painting which is said to reside in the house.

And hey, there are actual recognisable people in these roles again! Malcolm McDowell makes another appearance on our Christmas list, this time as the ringleader Sinclair. Alongside him he has Jessica played by Debi Mazar who sort of looks familiar but I don’t think that’s down to some of the more logical places I would have seen her like Goodfellas or Empire Records. She’s apparently Madonna’s bestie as well and she’s been in a whole bunch of her videos.

Maybe it’s because she looks like she’s come straight out of that Jim Carrey Grinch movie at one point. Definite Who vibe off her here. Plus there’s Eddie Steeples who was ‘Crab Man’ Darnell Turner on My Name is Earl and was also in Would You Rather that I watched during Halloween a year or two back.

Say what you will about these sequels being cash ins but they put their hand in their pocket sometimes to get people you might actually know. Granted, McDowell is very much a working actor and whilst thoughts do obviously turn to A Clockwork Orange, you can just as easily find him providing voice work to Pinocchio 3000 (okay that sounds stupid and I kinda want to see it) or Tom and Jerry Meet Sherlock Holmes (...same) so it’s probably not an amazing ‘get’ but I imagine he doesn’t come cheap.

Another recognisable face is Edward Asner who just feels destined to turn up in so many Christmas films. I swear it’s either him or the goddamned Northen Lights. At least he’s not playing Santa this time. It’s kind of a weird performance because he’s hosting this Christmas party and the mum is his new hire, only they’re trying to play him off as being massively drunk but it’s not that far removed from just being a vaguely senile old man.

The whole former bootlegger house does very nearly come close to giving this movie a gimmick and some sort of identity as pretty early on Finn inadvertently finds a hidden safe in the basement. Eventually he and his sister find out that it has a hidden wall that has a speakeasy behind it which, when his sister tries to steal a bottle of alcohol, triggers the door to shut behind her and lock her in. The idea of the house itself having these sort of traps built in and leftover from it’s former occupant would’ve been a new dynamic and you could potentially have moments of peril from Finn accidently finding himself on the wrong end of one. But it doesn’t really come up so we’re just left with the results of Finn’s imagination; icing up the front porch (a classic), pouring oil over people or baking poisoned cookies full of hot sauce. Hey, Home Sweet Home Alone took that one! That movie has clearly sunk to a new low if it’s having to rip off this movie. Thinking about it though, the kid in these movies is meant to be the viewer analogue, the little boys and girls watching at home are meant to be able to imagine themselves being the one setting the traps and getting their own back on all the mean grownups so it doesn’t exactly work if the kid isn’t the one actively setting the traps.

His big secret weapon is the power of sexual harassment as Jessica gets stuck in a window trying to break in so, when he two partners in crime try to pull her out, Finn keeps firing things at her that smack her on the arse and makes her think the guys are trying to cop a feel. A swift mule kick to the nards sorts them right out though. I don’t know if I want to run the risk of upsetting the moderation bots of Tumblr again though in order to show you, I’m not sure what the party line is on a nice bottom.

The traps feel a little tame in comparison to the other movies, especially when you consider the multiple times Kevin nearly killed the Wet/Sticky bandits with blunt force trauma, electrocution, burning, falls, Birdemic... Honestly, the most violent act isn’t even directed at the bad guys, it’s when he’s convinced the house is haunted so tries to collect evidence and ends up shooting his own Father with a taser. I know these kids are shown to be resourceful in these movies but where did he get that from?!It’s like the reverse Chekhov’s Gun as it never shows up again.

Or when this one guy pretty much gets Swatted and maced by about a dozen cops.  See, there’s this whole subplot where Finn just wants to play videogames and not make any actual real life friends, only it comes across vaguely weird when the one guy he’s talking to online is this one dude in like his mid 20’s. Finn kinda has this whole borderline social issue though as he seems geniunely anxious at the thought of any human interaction with his peers. His sister is portrayed as being obssesed with her phone so it’s very much the type of writing you expect from that relatively early period of smart phones where adults are complaining about how their kids just wont get off the dang cell phone or those violent viddy games!

Then there’s this whole scene where Finn tells the guy they’re being robbed so he hacks Finn’s gamertag, gets his mum’s mobile number from the account details and calls her to tell her what’s happening. Only it turns into this whole misunderstanding where she thinks he’s grooming her son and has her daughter locked in the basement. Oh, noncing and child abuse, what japes we have.

Honestly, this one wasn’t too bad. It’s massively derivative and there’s no reason to watch it over 1 or 2 but it’s not the worst thing in the world. It’s just a very safe rehash that makes absolutely no attempt to try and stray from the formula, it just settles into the well worn arse groove that the original movie and the sequel already made and is quite content with that. It’s just the same movie but adjusted 20 years down the line with some new possibilities thanks to the advancement of technology.  Still, because it’s giving itself such a low bar it didn’t really come across as making any massively glaring faults. Whereas last year I think Home Sweet Home Alone kind of forgot it even was a Home Alone movie for large portions so it’s a lot easier to pick fault with it. Maybe that one just set some low expectations for me that this one was able to meet.

It’s not to say there aren’t problems. Like Finn is just a massive dweeb who seems to have this sad look on his face the entire movie. Plus, him being scared borders on the ridiciousless on occasions. Like there’s one moment where he manages to run screaming out of the secret room, through the basement, up the stairs, through the kitchen, up another flight of stairs, into his room, throw off the covers and then dive under them. It feels like one of those jokes where someone is falling for a really long time so they have to stop to breathe before starting to scream again. Granted, Kevin was pretty scared in the first movie but he was a good couple of years younger, was actively left alone for days on end rather then just a couple of hours whilst his parents went to a party and the Wet Bandits were a lot more intimidating the guy guys on show here.  These guys are only interested in the painting and even when they do discover Finn and his sister, they just try to keep them out of the way. The Bandits though, they took that shit seriously when Kevin was fighting back against them and you really did think they were going to kill him before Old Man Marley showed up with that snow shovel. I suppose this is a kids movie after all though and you’ve got to keep the menace and fear to a minimum.

[patiently-onward]

“A lot can change in a year.”

I think it’s been three years since I’ve logged onto here. And man, life is so different compared to how things were then. Between COVID, family issues, my delayed nursing career, etc., it was as if God had allowed everything I’d planned for the future to fall apart. With my love life, I was so disheartened. I started getting to know different guys but nothing felt right. At one point, I tried online dating, which didn’t work for me either. I’d pray about each person, but every time, He’d given me no peace about moving forward. Eventually, I realized there were still a lot of things I had to work on and work through before being in a relationship. So, one of the ladies at church helped counsel me on that too. Overall, I felt so lost and broken in that season of life. And in 2021, God began allowing me a sneak peek into what He had in store for my future. But honestly, I had no idea at the time.

That July, I was a bridesmaid again (this was my eighth wedding as one) and Rachelle and Joy were doing our hair and makeup that day. While we were getting ready, Joy said something to me along the lines of, “Hey, you should date Joel!” But I just laughed it off not thinking anything of it. He and I had grown up together but we’d never really talked before. Even so, I never thought he’d see me that way.

Fast forward to the fall and winter of that year. I was asked to help coach speech for the Christmas film at church. And to my surprise, Joel was one of the actors. I respected him for wanting to be involved since he seemed more the behind the scenes type of person. Knowing he’d be there, I’d try to look nice for practices or filming time. I felt like a schoolgirl with a crush. I remember how he came up close to me one time asking for help with his lines. And I fumbled my words and handed his script back to him. My feelings were getting the best of me and I hated it. One time, there was a 90s song he was thinking of that I, for some reason, randomly started humming which shocked him. And he laughed when I helped translate one of his jokes when the others didn’t get it. We’d talk here and there, but nothing happened after that. Though I wouldn’t have admitted it then, I’d always keep an eye out for him. When he wasn’t in Sunday school or church, I’d get a bit disappointed.

In the spring of 2022, there was a guy from Philippines that I’d been getting to know. After a few weeks of messaging and video calling each other, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I told him I wanted more time to get to know him more first which he was understanding of. But after a couple months of talking and praying about it, I didn’t think he was the right person for me. So that was that.

There was a young adults event at the beach in the summer of 2022. And Joel was there. I swear I saw him in my peripherals staring at me. He came up to chat about that viral “corn” song and we laughed. But then I quickly ran off in fear. There was another time when Sunday school ended and he brought up college schedules and if I remembered having certain classes. I swear, it was as if he was trying to make conversation with me. But I was skeptical, thinking "there's no way he's trying to get to know me."

My constant thoughts were, “he could never see me like that,” “I might be too much for him,” and so on.

And then I went on a trip to Cuba. And the whole time I was there, I prayed about Joel. It was there I finally admitted that, yes, I had feelings for him and it freaked me out. It was October 14, 2022 when we flew home. And on the plane, I thought about Joel and how he could never have feelings for me in return. So I asked God for sign: if nothing with Joel happens by the end of 2022, then I would move on with my life.

Then Christmas happened, and while we were at church, I spontaneously asked him to spend the day with me and my family. I didn’t think he’d say yes. I didn’t think he’d show up. And an hour later, there he was at the door. We spent the whole day talking, and we had way more in common than I’d thought. It was 11pm and right before he left he asked me out for a coffee date. And when he came back from his trip to Nova Scotia, we went on our first date.

He asked me to be his girlfriend on January 17, 2023. Our first kiss was on January 21 in my parents' living room after I told him I couldn't believe I was his girlfriend. He told me he loved me on Valentine's Day. In April, he said he wanted to marry me, and I told him I've known I wanted to marry him since he first came over at Christmas; so he said he'd buy a ring. On June 2nd at the art gallery, he asked me to marry him. We were married at the church we grew up in, in front of our loved ones on Saturday, October 14, 2023.

And every day, I get to come home to the person I’d prayed for since I was seventeen. Joel is everything I’ve hoped and prayed and waited for and more. He is sweet, loving, thoughtful, patient, kind and so handsome. He loves me greatly. I love him greatly in return. I can’t believe I get to call him my husband. And I can’t believe God had him right there beside me all along.

Ephesians 4:20🧡

[klcthebookworm]

15 November 2023 Metrics

Previous Word Count: 61,734 New Words: 621 Total words for the first draft: 62,355 NaNo 2023 Cumulative Word Count: 15,139 What I Accomplished in the Narrative Today: Skipped a scene with Peg that would be nothing but active introspection on her part since I’m kind of introspected out of by today and started David, Raven, and Ferris conference scene instead. Fave line: “We only have an hour before he has to go and we need to know what the hell happened last night, so get your bony ass out of my bed already!” What Else I Accomplished Today: Started off with a bit of introspection this morning in the lastEUfans Slack. I had made an observation last night that has been lingering in my mind that I was doing good reaching my daily word count goal of 600, but less well hitting the 1667 NaNo daily word goal and went to bed. Which got me honest push back that the NaNo’s word goal “is intense by design. I’m not sure how people do it while still doing life at all.” (I honestly think they dump the life aspects on partners or other family members or roommates or they are much better at the word vomit than I am.) That push back triggered some unpacking for me, which is going here so I will do math in December to smack my expectations with evidence.

I’ve had 600 words as a daily goal for years because I’m equally confident that I can write that in an hour and if I don’t, it’s not because of other things getting in the way, the only reason that I can fail at such an easy attainable goal that only takes an hour is because I am lazy and undisciplined, and will never be a published author because I am lazy and undisciplined.

This is not new territory. The writing blog I started back in 2004 is titled Discipline Under Fire, because OBVIOUSLY my willpower and dedication and discipline to stick to my desires was sorely lacking and needed a bit of public accountability.

I like to think I have mellowed out on myself in the nearly twenty years since that. Reading Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price Ph.D. helped but I think I may have to have it handy for a reread in December when I confront myself with math evidence with all the word count tracking spreadsheets I keep. Because I honestly typed: “Most days I can move through (meaning writing and being happy with the words I achieved) without waking up that brain weasel (having my jerkbrain scream abuse at myself because I’m a failure that so clearly deserve abuse);” the utter honesty at 4:30 a.m. when I should be getting dressed. The brain weasel is sleeping. It is not dead, it hasn’t moved out, it’s just having a nap to get ready to tear into me again.

Back on why I need math evidence topic. The weasel is sleeping but my unrealistic expectation that I can obviously write 600 words in an hour is getting the equivalent of a finger flick to the forehead because I am putting in a rough average of at least two hours a day to just Strix: Forget the Sun and its metrics for NaNo but not getting much higher than 600 words a day. What I can actually write in an hour and plans to strengthen that muscle has to wait until December when I have time to pull out spreadsheets and crunch.

But I honestly have more unpacking to do on this whole thing because I have buried that it was a thing. At this point of my day, it’s becoming a procrastination tactic to avoid the fiction writing. Don’t worry, these words get counted toward my NaNo goals too. I should’ve made a category for that but forgot to back on November 1st, but they go on the spreadsheet and get counted under the Cumulative NaNo total.

Where I am leaving this whole messy thing right now: this is Day 15 and I haven’t tossed Strix: Forget the Sun aside as unwritable for another year has made this NaNo a success. I have already made more words this year than I made in NaNo 2019 (3780 words) or in Camp NaNo 2021 (13,317 words). What I'm looking forward to: I have a massage tomorrow. And then my weekend plus a vacation with Thanksgiving. What I'm not looking forward to: Travel with my parents to see my sister for Thanksgiving. Very, very unsure how it’s going to go.

[aveunalliv]

you guys so much has happened since ive last been on here

i graduated high school in 2019 and went to college three states away. my freshman year the boy who all of my posts were ab came back into my life for a short time and promised me everything i’ve ever wanted. my mom even gave me letters that he had been writing that she had intercepted and kept from me for years. just like the notebook, can you believe it?

and during our reconnection i realized that he wasn’t what was meant for me anymore and i was at peace with that finally. shortly after he met his future wife. they got married last year and im friends with her on facebook. a part of me mourns for the future that 16 year old me was hoping for with him, but i feel so happy knowing that we’re both where we need to be.

second semester of freshman year i met my second serious boyfriend. covid happened and i moved back home for a bit, and we fell in deep love. it was magical until it wasn’t. looking back it was the most toxic relationship but it helped me grow more than anything else ive been through. when they say that you meet the worst person you’ll ever know when you’re 19, they mean it.

december of 2020, i dropped out of my dream college. it was incredibly hard and i don’t know if ill ever really recover, but the sun still rises every morning regardless.

toxic boy and i broke up march of 2021. the first time i could feel my heart physically breaking in my entire life. between this and being a college dropout, i was at the lowest point in my life ever. no one knows how broken i really was.

met my best friends in february of 2022, and life really changed. i was 21, worked all the time, and went out constantly. made some character developing bad choices and made some really incredible memories.

summer comes around and i got the opportunity to move to the college town near where i grew up with live with one of my best friends from high school. i decided to go for it, applied back to college, and one of my best friends who i made a few months prior moved with me. we went out way too much and i broke up with my very casual boyfriend who i had met that summer. and for the first time since i was a teenager, i finished my semester with a 4.0. i cried genuine happy tears when I checked my final grades knowing that i wasnt allowing myself to give up on my future.

so fast forward to now, i just finished another semester living in the town i said i would never live in, going to a school i said i would never go to, and embracing the fuck out of my plan b. ive officially cut off toxic boy (yes, the one from two years ago) for the final time and ive never felt better. im living by myself for a month while i try to find a new roommate since mine graduated and moved. it’s scary but im finally getting to build a space that i truly love for the first time ever in my life with all of my own stuff. the best friend i moved here with started dating a boy that she met at the place that we work at together.

im sad that i didn’t get to graduate at the college i started at and the time i was “supposed to” but im trying to find the best bits of my life that i get to experience and that i wouldve never gotten if i didn’t make the exact same choices that i have made up until this point.

i don’t know if anyone will even read this, but i hope you had fun getting a glimpse into my life for the past 4 1/2 years.

[fasa-umich]

Ashley Bouse, FASA's 2022 - 2023 Co-External Chair

Hi FASA,

As I’m writing this testimonial the day it is due (shoutout to miss media milly) I’ve reflected on my experience as a general member turned FASA intern turned FASA board member.

But first I’ll start with some context:

I was born in Dearborn, Michigan at the ripe age of zero, and after living in Detroit for the first two years of my life, my parents made the decision to move us to somewhere smaller… much smaller. For the most part, I lived and grew up in a teeny tiny town (literally a village 💀) in rural Michigan.

Those of you also from middle of nowhere towns in Michigan or honestly anywhere in the Midwest probably know what it's like. I was the only Asian student in my grade for pretty much all of K-12 and was the only Asian student in my entire graduating class. It’s interesting to hear how some schools had entire Asian/Asian-American organizations and even their own Filipino clubs. If my high school were to have had an Asian organization, it would’ve consisted of only three members (i.e. me, Alexa, and Tommy Yang).

Anyways, fast forward, I’ve been accepted into U of M and am living in Bursley Hall. 😭 I had heard about FASA but was pretty hesitant to join. I showed up to Fall Mass Meeting at Rackham (with Bryson 😎), went to the LinkedIn Photoshoot at the Law Quad, and quickly despawned from all FASA events in the Fall.

Photo taken Fall 2021 during LinkedIn Photoshoot by Michelle (aka “media meesh”)

I wasn’t an active member of FASA until the Winter semester of my freshman year. I had a lot of hesitations about joining, but I applied to the FASA intern program on a whim, thinking I wasn’t active, qualified, or even “Filipino enough” to be accepted. However to my surprise, a little less than two weeks later, I received an email that read:

Slay.

I basically forced myself into being active in the organization by becoming an intern. It was both a sense of obligation and eagerness to learn as much as I could about FASA, especially about how the organization operates behind the scenes. I went into the program knowing very little about FASA and had only attended a small number of events. I didn’t know any of the other interns besides Angeli and Andrew who were in FIlipino class with me, however I was excited to get to know all of the other interns and board members.

FASA INTERN GALS ✨

I grew close with the other interns, went to “Teen Beach Movie Night” (iykyk), helped plan and eventually had the intern capstone event, went to many FASA events and made many maaany more memories. I got to know my fam (Xfam = best fam), my sexy lineage (Darago <3), and so many people in the FASA community.

Darago Lineage: Jbapo, Ate Janielle, Ate Kennedy, Kuya Colin, Bry-Bry, Krystelle, Zainab, and adings Ash and Nicole + not pictured: Ate Carina

(also not pictured: the Darakunawa alliance)

EXTERNAL EVENTS

Filipino Americans Coming Together (FACT)

Filipino Americans did WHAT???

The Filipino Americans Coming Together (FACT) conference was the first external trip during my sophomore year. To be honest, I wasn’t really sure what FACT actually was at first. It had been a few years since they had an in-person conference, but this year they were in-person. I sent out my silly little Google forms, texted everyone and their mom to figure out logistics, and toiled on the master spreadsheet until cars, houses, itinerary, and all of the other details that go into planning external trips were figured out.

FACT itself was a little rocky because UIUC’s first in person conference in a while. I heard that many of the workshops went well, however, the quality/structure varied with each. We attended the FACT Variety Show (sorry Ashley Mehta), many of us pushed Joes, and went on our pilgrimage to Seafood City and Jollibee in Chicago. Looking back, it was a challenge trying to figure out how to manage such a large group of people. We had 55 members attend the conference, but Mikey and I managed to ensure no one perished or got abandoned in Chambana, so overall I’m happy with how the weekend went.

One thing that FACT taught me is that you cannot plan everything down to the T and expect it to go smoothly. The unknown of what could happen on an external trip always has made me a little anxious, but sometimes all we can do is plan, put in the effort, and then leave things to their own accord. This position has taught me that you can’t try to perfect everything. When [REDACTED] hits the fan, you must always be ready to pivot and adapt to what the new situation or challenge brings.

Battle of the Bamboo

FASA takes on Chicago

Battle of the Bamboo (BOTB) this year had about double or nearly triple the number of attendees from the year prior. For me, last year’s BOTB was one of my favorite FASA memories and also a big reason why I feel close with many of my friends in the organization today so I urged everyone to go (or else they’d get severe FOMO).

This year’s BOTB was particularly special because of performance chairs and FASA’s exhibition performance of Pagapir. From a planning perspective, we were more relaxed with overall planning for BOTB and focused a lot of our logistics around ensuring that specifically performers made it where they had to be well in advance. We had 55+ attendees with housing being spread out among several different locations. Many people got the chance to explore Chicago, try new restaurants, sing karaoke, etc.

External quick tip: An easy and relatively harmless way to ensure that Filipino time does not demolish your plans/external itinerary is by accommodating for a 30 minute (or more) buffer time and saying that people need to be places earlier than they actually have to be. We cannot get rid of Filipino time, however we can try our best to plan for it and ensure it does not deter us too much.

One big takeaway I had after Battle is that there is a sliding scale between trips being hands-off and trips being planned down to the minute. That being said, there are pros and cons to both sides. If the trip is way too structured, it can be 1.) too suffocating for attendees and 2.) very stressful for externals to maintain this structure. On the other hand, if there isn’t enough structure then people do not feel secure/reassured during the trip. Meaning that in both planning and execution, you need to aim for the external trip to fall somewhere in the middle of this range.

Additionally, things may seem good on paper but there can be flaws and problems that arise the day of when the plan is in execution. It is our responsibility as external chairs to make the trip fun and equitable for everyone, and it is also our responsibility to try to make things right when they do not go to plan. Battle weekend allowed a lot of necessary and valuable dialogue to be brought up/discussed, and I am looking forward to seeing how external trips progress and grow in future years.

Philippine Culture Night

I remember my first Philippine Culture Night (PCN) in vivid detail. From the “sinigang” to the Toledo coconut boys, the Tinikling set, speeches, poetry, speakers, and so on. However, I wasn’t on a committee or a part of a performance group but I knew I wanted to be more actively involved in the night in the future.

For this year’s PCN, I managed the new External Outreach committee with Mikey. It was a bit of a headache to figure out, but we made sure nearby external PSAs were able to reserve tickets and make it to our PCN.

In addition, I also signed up for a PCN dance at the last minute. I’m terribly uncoordinated (e.g. Tinik on the Diag) and dancing has never been my strong suit. That being said, I cannot recommend enough that people join one of the PCN dance groups if they have the time in their schedule for it. Dance practices, as long and tiring as they can feel, became something I really looked forward to during the week. I enjoyed getting to know the other dancers and bonding with them over jokes, shared exhaustion, and a great PCN performance at the end.

Like all things in life, what you put into FASA is what you get out of it. In order to get the most out of the organization, you need to step out of your comfort zone. Sign up for silly little dances and committees and make the most of all of the opportunities to get to know all of the amazing people that make up the FASA community.

To my Co:

Dear Mikey,

We met at Mass Meeting in the fall of freshman year, but my real first impression of you was at the [REDACTED] mixer during the beginning of winter semester when you accidentally butt-dialed 911 on my phone. I thought you were a complete goon, but little did I know that we would end up becoming co-chairs just a few months later.

With that being said, I cannot put into words how thankful I am to have you as a co-chair and friend (among other things). You’ve grown so much since I first met you, and I admire how driven, caring, and considerate have always been. You make me want to be a better person.

Sometimes planning external events/trips have made me want to explode into a million pieces, but you’ve always been there and have given stability to me through it all. From board retreat to organization collabs, external weekend, late night toiling in the Fish Bowl, FACT & Battle, and everything in between, there’s no one else I could’ve done it all with. Now that our tenure is coming to a close, I can truly look back and be proud of everything we’ve accomplished in the past year. Thank you for always supporting me unconditionally and for always being there for me. We did it!! :)

FASA Executive Board 2022-23

To FASA Executive Board:

I’m so lucky to have served my tenure on board alongside each and every one of you. I’m definitely biased, but this year’s board is such a special and talented group of people. Thank you for making Sunday board meetings something to look forward to, and thank you for all of your support, hard work, and dedication this past year.

To the seniors:

Senior farewell hasn’t happened so I don’t need to be too sappy yet. However, as you all go on to do immeasurably great and impressive things, remember that FASA is always here for you and proud of you.

To those considering external chair or FASA e-board in the future:

FASA board has historically followed a trend: People are a part of FASA, become interns, get elected onto e-board, and then burn out over the course of the year. Although this trend doesn’t apply to everyone, it is important that we each do our best to manage burnout. For the sake of the FASA board and the wellbeing of your fellow boardies, please try your best to alleviate burnout and help out each other as best as you can.

If you need help, feel free to reach out to your predecessors. We’re always here to help and we want to see FASA and the new board succeed. 

Learn to say no. Say no to events you don’t want to do. Say no to events you don’t want to go to. Additionally, know when to take a step back, especially if the FASA calendar is overpacked, realistically ask yourself what you would like to see/accomplish this semester.

I’ve heard this from past and present boardies a million times and I’m definitely sounding like a broken record, however this is one of my most important takeaways after being on board: Responsibilities in FASA cannot be black and white, either your problem or not your problem. Such a dichotomy could never exist because in a cohesive board, it is everyone’s job for events to run smoothly. If someone needs help in FASA, it is everyone’s job to step up (if they can) and assist their fellow boardies when they need it.

In closing:

As Winnie the Pooh (and Celeste at Sunday board one time) once said:

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

It’s hard and bittersweet to say goodbye to FASA board, but I know it will be in good hands. Thank you to all of FASA and board for your support, love, and friendship this past year. I’m looking forward to seeing what the future board is scheming.

I am also excited to push Sound Bar next year at Battle return to general membership status (joke lang).

It’s been real FASA <3

2022-23 Co-External Chair

Ashley Bouse

[fever-comfort]

Persistent Cough

Sicktember 2021 - Day 2

It had seemed like A was getting better by the time they left. But when they came back it was a different story. The dry cough they’d started to shake had instead moved deeper down their chest. The light sniffles had been exchanged for completely blocked up sinuses, and their body was wracked with chills.

*cough* *cough cough* snxxx…guh *cough*

The telltale sounds of illness reached B in the kitchen. They frowned. A had woken up. They’d hoped A would be able to sleep a little longer.

It had started with a tickle in A’s throat two weeks ago. The tickle turned into a cough, accompanying the massive head cold they were coming down with.

And it might not have gotten any worse, had A not insisted on going on the stupid camping trip last weekend, B thought. B said it wasn’t a good idea, but A promised that they were feeling better, that this had been planned for months, and they were driving and didn’t want to let the others down.

Well. A was a grownup and could make decisions for themselves, no matter how ill-advised. And their partner B sure thought this trip was ill-advised. But there wasn’t much they could do about it.

It had seemed like A was getting better by the time they left. But when they came back it was a different story. The dry cough they’d started to shake had instead moved deeper down their chest, the light sniffles had been exchanged for completely blocked up sinuses, and their body was wracked with chills.

B shook their head in frustration. It was so unnecessary. They weren’t sure if they were more angry with A for leaving, or with themself for not fighting harder to convince A to stay at home.

But when B got up from their make-shift desk at the kitchen table and walked over to the living room and saw A, all anger melted away. Left was just sympathy, along with a small but growing seed of worry.

A looked so tiny and frail as they lay there on the couch. Covered in blankets pulled tight to their body, propped up by pillows to help them breathe. It looked like they were being swallowed by it all.

The coughing which woke A up had subsided, but A was left awake, staring blankly into the room. They blinked slowly and then caught sight of B.

“Hey, love,” B said as they made their way to the sofa. “Think you can go back to sleep?” they continued while brushing away some stray hairs from A’s forehead. While there they gently pressed their palm to A’s forehead to feel for any change in the fever. It wasn’t down. Maybe even up a little. B’s brow knit in concern.

A didn’t respond, they just shook their head weakly.

B moved their hand down to cup A’s cheek and looked into their glassy eyes. “I don’t like this fever,” B said, more to themself than to A.

When A had come home it was clear they were running a fever. Since then it had gone up and down but never quite gone away.

A’s breath suddenly caught and they started coughing. It was a deep, chesty cough which made A lean forward with the force of it. B could only imagine how much it must hurt. They wished they could do something, anything to help alleviate the pain and make A feel better.

“There, there,” B whispered as they rubbed circles on A’s back until the coughing stopped.

A leaned back against the pillows, slightly out of breath. They swallowed thickly and winced at the pain in their throat. B noticed a tear rolling down A’s cheek. B carefully wiped it away.

“Oh, love… Is there anything I can get you? Anything at all.”

A looked at B for a few moments while trying to catch their breath.

“Could yo-,” A began but their voice gave out. They cleared their throat and tried again.

“Could you stay? In here? Please,” A finally managed in a gravelly voice.

B threw a quick glance towards the kitchen before looking back at A.

“Yes, of course,” they replied with a soft smile. “I’ve just got to fetch the laptop so I can finish an email, then I’m clocking out for today.”

“I can see that I am needed more urgently elsewhere,” B added, smiling properly now and winked at A.

A grinned back, but the moment passed when another coughing fit wracked their body.

B went out to the kitchen to fetch their laptop. But when they spotted the freezer they suddenly had an idea.

When B returned to the living room A had closed their eyes, but it was clear they weren’t sleeping.

“I’ve got something that might cheer you up,” said B with a mischievous grin.

“Oh yeah?” A rasped, looking up at B who was standing by A’s feet, laptop in one hand and the other hand hidden behind their back.

“You know how we keep some things around the house for when your nephew comes to visit?”

“Hmm…?” A wasn’t following.

“Well, I realised you might appreciate one of these right now.” B proudly held up what they’d been hiding behind their back. “A popsicle!” B announced triumphantly.

This was an unusual show of playfulness and theatrics from B, and it made A laugh. It was the best sound B had heard in days.

B smiled and handed the popsicle over to A. In a more serious tone they then continued.

“I thought it might be soothing do your throat.”

“Plus, I’m worried you’re not getting enough sustenance in you since you won’t eat much. That fever of yours keeps eating up all your energy reserves and we need to keep your strength up,” B added, sounding more severe than they had intended to.

“That thing,” B continued in a lighter tone, nodding towards the popsicle A was now enjoying, “is basically sugar water in solid form, so while it’s hardly nutritional it might at least give a small temporary energy boost.”

A’s mind was too foggy with fever to take in most of what B said. They just nodded and enjoyed the cooling and soothing effect of the popsicle on their raw and sore throat.

B sat on the edge of the couch and quickly fired off a few emails before putting the laptop away. By this time A had finished the ice pop and had burrowed down into their pillows again, pulling the blankets up to their neck.

A started coughing a bit again, but it wasn’t quite as harsh now as it had been, and the fit ended quicker.

B fetched the TV remote and while standing, leaned down and placed a soft kiss on A’s head. They then returned to the far end of the couch, gently lifting A’s feet and sitting down, putting A’s feet on their lap.

B turned on the TV on low volume and then slipped their hands below the blankets to give A a gentle and relaxing foot rub.

“Think you can sleep for a bit now?” B said quietly as A was watching the television with heavy-lidded eyes.

A nodded faintly. “Yeah I think so,” came a hoarse reply.

“Good.”

B knew this was far from over, but hearing A laugh had made them feel so much better. Even though they knew A’s condition was unchanged, the small burst of joy had somehow made everything seem a little brighter. Hopefully now A would be able to get some sleep, and with some luck they would feel better tomorrow.

And if not, there were plenty more popsicles where the first one came from.

[annibtj]

26th august 2022

hello! how have you all been? i know it’s back to school season for a lot of you - i hope you’re taking care of yourselves and enjoying the start of a new semester!

i wanted to come on here and just have a chat, it’s been a while...

i feel like, while i may have posted the occasional photo here and there, i haven’t actually been very present, and while i post on instagram and youtube a decent amount, i always find myself missing this space.

i do feel like it’s hard for me to post here, a place where i used to document my studies and my productivity, now that i am no longer studying/a student/being productive in the ways that i used to. 

in case you missed it - i graduated end of 2020 and started a masters in the first half of 2021, but dropped out because it wasn’t the course for me (my advisor literally told me to drop out and save myself the money. lol)

while i do think i still want my masters (maybe in english, instead of creative writing specifically) and so i hope to return to academia at some point, you might be wondering what i’ve been up to for the past year.

2022 has been more crazy than 2021, where i was working a hospitality job trying desperately to recover from academic burnout and my anxiety that had been running mostly unchecked while i was studying. my anxiety has got significantly worse before getting better (and i still think i have a ways to go before i have somewhat of a handle on it) and my hospitality job demanded way too much of me physically, actually.

really, i’ve spent the first half of this year riddled with anxiety attacks and back pain, which hasn’t been that great.

but in june i moved house, quit my job, and have been focusing on building my mental and physical strength back up since then - i am so lucky to have a partner who not only has a well paying job but who is willing to support me and in fact, encouraged me to quit my job and focus on myself for a bit. words cannot describe how blessed i have felt to take this break and kind of ‘sort’ my life out.

but as i’ve said, i’ve been missing this blog, i’ve been missing ‘being productive’ in an odd sense, and most of all, i’ve missed writing. if you’ve followed me since i was studying for my undergraduate degree you would know i majored in creative writing and also got a minor in english studies. and while i obviously am no longer studying, i have always wanted to talk about what i love - books, and writing, and writing my own books.

essentially, when i dropped out of my masters last year, my academic burnout was creative writing burnout. i have barely done any writing over the past year. and i’ve been patient with myself, even though the itch to be doing something, the itch to get back to what i love, has been hovering over me for months, i am finally feeling up to scratching that itch, and getting back to it. and not only that, but sharing my work as well.

i would love to write for a living - novels are my dream, and will probably be what i talk about the most, but there isn’t really an income in novel writing (if you’re like me, with no signed book deal to go off) but my partner has been pushing me to start a patreon, which is something i would honestly love to look into, a way to share my writing with you all but not totally fall into the starving artist stereotype. patreon is something i need to plan more, and will probably be something i talk more about, but in the mean time, i’m excited to start sharing more writing related content with y’all. this is how i’m going to be being productive, this is what’s going to be taking up my time, and this is going to be my future. 

i’m looking forward to bringing y’all along with me x

[likeastarstar]

The Pianist

(A/N: Thanks to @xjoonchildx and the anon who recommended me to her for this prompt! The pieces mentioned in this fic are what I listened to while writing it, they're beautiful and I recommend them. Feedback is appreciated!)

masterlist.

You didn’t sleep very well most nights.

You didn’t really understand how people just laid down and fell asleep instantly, it just didn’t happen for you. You had tried everything but ASMR creeped you out, Melatonin didn’t work, chamomile tea just made you have to get up to pee a million times. Nothing worked for years- until the apartment above yours got a new tenant.

You weren’t sure when exactly they moved in but you were certain of the day they got a piano.

January 12, 2021: The day you were given the gift of sleep.

At this point, it was apart of your routine. Every night, after showering and brushing your teeth, you’d lay down and listen to soft melodies you couldn’t quite place pouring through your walls.

Now, you found yourself rushing back home in the evening just in case they decided to start playing early.

“Hold the elevator, please!” You called, rushing over to the closing doors.

A hand stuck out to block them from shutting at the last minute and you gave a sigh of relief- you’d be on time now. You rushed into the elevator with a pleased smile on your face, your eyes falling on a man who you could only describe as the most interesting person you had ever seen. Dressed in all black with thick rings around the hand that had stopped the elevator, he should’ve been intimidating. If it wasn’t for the soft slope of his nose and pink doll-like lips, you would’ve turned the other way in fear.

“Oh-“ You said awkwardly, staring at him with wide eyes for some reason. He looked at you awkwardly and smile slightly, pulling his lips into a thine line. His dark eyes blinked slowly, molten mocha peering down at you with mild interest. “Thank you- for the elevator.”

“No problem, you seem like you’re in a hurry.” He said politely, his quiet, deep voice rumbling in your ear comfortably. You found yourself leaning towards him and snapped yourself out of it, pressing your floor’s button quickly.

As beautiful as he was, you got distracted from the man quickly, refocusing on trying to guess what the pianist would choose to play tonight. You left the window cracked just to hear more of the classical sonatas, timing your breathing just right to the pacing of the tunes. As time passed, you grew accustomed to the presence of the music, reading the pianist’s mood by their choice of song.

Reverie, for calm evenings in the summer when your apartment was bathed in golden light, warming your skin. A jazzy rendition of Manhattan when you assumed the pianist had an absolutely wonderful day, sending you off to dream of fluffy clouds and creamy skies. Nocturne No. 1, when they were troubled and you physically had to stop yourself from crying upon hearing the emptiness in the notes that flooded into your ears.

As luck would have it, you stumbled across the man in the elevator again too, crossing paths in the mail room, where he held the door open as you lugged out copious amounts of packages from online shopping. You would’ve tried to strike up a conversation, only it was already dusk and the pianist would start practicing soon.

“You’re always rushing, aren’t you?” He quipped, an endearing smile on his face. You admired the way his cheeks fluffed up a little when he smiled.

“I have plans with a friend,” You excused, naming the pianist as a fond companion. You didn’t want to reveal what you were really rushing for. The pianist felt like your own little secret, a world you could immerse yourself in when real life got too overwhelming.

If only you had known you’d soon lose the one consistent relief of tension in your life. You assumed things in his life had gone south, because after a week of music that tore your soul apart- the music stopped. Gone were your nights of angelic tunes, gone were your nights of sleep.

You waited for him, laid in bed with an antsy heart waiting to hear something, an aggravated smash of keys, a simple chord, even a single note would set you at ease. It had been a week since you had a good night of sleep, your companion suddenly stripped away.

You trudged into the elevator one morning sleepily, barely registering a familiar man standing beside you. Your hands met as both of you rushed to press the ‘close door’ button, the button shocking both of you at once. You jumped in surprise, flickering your eyes towards him sheepishly, “Sorry.”

“Not your fault,” He mumbled. It wasn’t until then that you took in his appearance, slightly disheveled with his hair fluffy and messy. It was bleached now, faded with the roots grown out too far.

The pair of you rode the elevator down in a comfortable silence, filtering out together without a passing glance. You walked in different directions, both consumed in your own thoughts. You figured the pianist would be back by now. When nothing came, you decided to do take action, composing your own masterpiece. You tacked the letter you painstakingly rewrote a million times, setting for a simple note of flattery that you hoped would entice whoever it was playing the piano to return the gift you had cherished back to you. You expected nothing, maybe music returning back. Instead, you were greeted two days later with a simple knock at your door.

You answered quickly, shuffling your feet towards the entrance of your apartment. You opened the door to a familiar face, the man from the elevator. This time, his hair was freshly dyed, denim blue with one side sleeked back. His eyes were bright, alert as he looked at you with a surprised expression. You skimmed the length of his body, noting the tailored pants and soft looking sweater, stopping suddenly on a familiar piece of paper between long fingers adorned with rings.

Your note.

“You’re the pianist,” You realized, staring at the note. The paper of the note was faded, fraying at the ends and softened at the creases. It had clearly been folded and unfolded a million times, pulling at your heart.

“You fall asleep to me playing?” He asked, eyebrows raised in surprise.

“I have trouble sleeping- you, your music helps.” You said lamely. “I’ve missed it….I thought, I mean, I noticed that you were playing more sad pieces than normal and then you stopped playing altogether. I figured something was wrong- Are you okay?”

He tapped his foot on the ground and shifted his weight, looking down at the ground awkwardly, “I was going to stop playing. I just…I didn’t see the value anymore.”

You felt panic sweep over your body and widened your eyes, leaning towards him instinctively, “Your music feels like a friend. It’s so beautiful and calming, it’s the only thing I have to look forward to some days. It- It has value. A lot of value, to me.”

He looked up at you and smiled, eyes crinkling slightly, “That makes me feel better- I’m Yoongi. Min Yoongi.”

You smiled back at him, tilting your head slightly.

The music came back after that, new songs playing every evening. You spent the mornings tracking down all of the songs he played the night before, listening to them while you went about your day, melting away time until you could listen to Yoongi practice again. You saw Yoongi a couple times in the elevator, exchanging shy smiles and excited suggestions of what you think he should learn next.

It wasn’t until you awoke one morning to the soft musings of a piano that you realized- you loved Min Yoongi. You recognized the song playing instantly- Dawn from Pride and Prejudice. You had suggested it awhile ago and how romantic you thought the piece was. It had been a slip of the tongue you thought he had forgot about it by now, since he hadn't played it. You remembered the small smile he gave you, nodding slightly when you blushed furiously at even the mention of romance. But now, listening to the music you knew he played for you, you were glad you had said it. It was fitting for the hour, the sunrise pouring cool colored light through your windows, a soft breeze filling your room because you had never gotten out of the habit of cracking your window to hear Yoongi play.

You smiled, laying in bed for a moment and soaking in the light keys. Eventually, you got up and walked to make yourself a cup of tea, stopping when you saw a piece of paper that had been slipped through the bottom of your door.

You picked it up quickly, opening it at once.

Would you like to have dinner with me? - Your Pianist.

[findingjoynweirdstuff]

Dream SMP Recap (August 3/2021) - A Year Later

Jack celebrates a lonely birthday and makes a decision about his life moving forward.

Wilbur and Ranboo visit the ruins of L’manburg and find Tubbo there, mourning the country.

---

VOD LINKS:

Jack Manifold

Wilbur Soot

Foolish

---

- It’s Jack’s birthday. He sings to himself alone at the top of the hotel, with a cake

He hasn’t left this room in 80 days. He’s been drinking a lot and he keeps blacking out. He’s dressed up in his old L’manburg uniform

- Jack hasn’t gotten many customers in the hotel. The one he’s managed to get is a skeleton

- He decides to go outside and look around

- He finds Tommy’s new house and meets Shroud

- Jack goes down into the sewers and remembers when he first joined the server and he, Tommy and Quackity (still in juvie at the time) did their heists

- He’s pissed off that everything he cares about on the server gets destroyed or taken advantage of. He’s not sure he even wants to be here

- Tubbo logs on while he’s monologuing

Tubbo: you smell of shit

- Jack goes to Las Nevadas to see how it is after Quackity promised him a business deal so long ago

Tubbo: shit smellin lad

Jack: “You know, at least he logged on. At least he logged on to say something to me.”

...

Jack: “This is kinder than anything else anyone has done as of yet. Therefore, you’re alright, Tubbo.”

- Jack reaches Las Nevadas and sees that it looks pretty done. Quackity didn’t hold up his end of the bargain

- Jack decides he no longer wants anything to do with anybody. He wants to do something for himself. He wants something new, completely different.

New Manifoldland

- He travels far into the wilderness to find a spot to make his new land

- Wilbur sings the L’manburg anthem, asking if Ranboo knows it. He tells Ranboo the story of how Wilbur based it on the tune of Hallelujah because of Tommy singing it to the tilled dirt

- He and Ranboo walk down the Prime Path, noticing the beets. They visit Eret’s museum. Ranboo’s been working on the Ranvan

- Wilbur wants to go to L’manburg. Ranboo says it’s called L’manhole now, but Wilbur doesn’t approve. It’s called L’manburg

- Wilbur’s excited to see how the crater’s changed now that the glass is gone. He sees the flag at the bottom and hops down

- They spot Tubbo over on the ruins, singing the anthem quietly to himself

- Wilbur sees Tubbo wearing the suit and tells him he looks like a mirror in it. Tubbo just put on the suit since it’s been a year

- Wilbur hasn’t seen Tubbo much since he was first resurrected. He asks if Ranboo’s met Tubbo and says he’s calmed down now, gotten settled

- Wilbur apologizes to Tubbo, for making him the president of a crater

- Tubbo tells him this crater wasn’t all him, and he forgives Wilbur

Wilbur: “Man, my little Secretary Treasury, remember that?”

- Ghostbur put effort into rebuilding the place. When Wilbur points out the obsidian grid, Tubbo mentions Dream and Wilbur starts talking about how he loves Dream. Tubbo says it was Techno and Phil who did this

- Wilbur is confused. Didn’t Techno and Phil live here? Tubbo tells him they hated the government, but Tubbo rebuilt this place

- Wilbur is touched

Wilbur: “I was so pressed about not having a grave — screw a grave! I built something that you loved, that you — that you wanted to preserve! That’s—“

Tubbo: “Yeah, I really — honestly—”

Wilbur: “Tubbo, that’s worth more to me than a grave.”

- Tubbo’s been lost without L’manburg, all his core beliefs died with it

- Wilbur has something, though. He has a burger van and plans for it — Paradise — and he’s wondering if Tubbo wants to come join him. Tubbo is unsure. He’s forgiven Wilbur, but he still isn’t sure that he trusts him

- Wilbur has been thinking for thirteen years. He’s really, truly sorry

Wilbur: “I’m not gonna hurt you again, I’m not gonna, you know — I know you had that — at the Festival, with Technoblade? I never spoke to you properly about this. I…I could’ve saved you.”

Tubbo: “But you didn’t.”

Wilbur: “I — Tubbo, I’m reaching out to you here man, I’m on my knees bro, I — I’m sorry, I’m really really sorry and I — literally your forgiveness means so much to me but it doesn’t give up what I did to you and it doesn’t give up how I failed you as a friend, you know, as — fuck being as a coworker, as, you know, anything! Ranboo, you might not have known all of this, I can explain later on, but Tubbo — man, I wanna make it up to you, and you know what? I appreciate that you don’t trust me. I do.”

Tubbo: “Wilbur, in order for you to gain my trust back, you have to prove it first. I can’t just give it out anymore. I used to be able to, but I just — I just can’t.”

- Wilbur wants to prove to Tubbo that he’s worth being trusted

Tubbo: “You know I still have dreams, right? Of the explosion, and — and of the fireworks, and — and all of it. I still — I vividly see all of it, every day. It hurts. It hurts a lot, Wilbur.”

- Wilbur understands he needs to earn Tubbo’s trust

Wilbur: “Tubbo, do you know how fucking strong you are? And I’m not just trying to say this, I’ve got your forgiveness and I know I need to earn your trust but man I just want to let you know, I — you’re so strong man, genuinely. Just the fact that you proved to me just there that you have these memories and you have these nightmares and you still found it in your heart to forgive me, that’s…You’re a fuckin’ champion, man. You’re a — you’re a hero.”

- Wilbur invites Tubbo to see Paradise, but Tubbo wants to stay. He gives Tubbo the lucky rabbit’s foot Tommy gave him and leaves with Ranboo

- The two of them talk about L’manburg’s history. Wilbur tells Ranboo something he’s never told anyone, not even Tommy:

He told Tommy that he didn’t care about L’manburg, but that’s not true. L’manburg was really important to him and still is to this day.

- Everyone’s moved on from L’manburg, but Tubbo is still the last connection

- Wilbur doesn’t want to string Tommy along too much

Wilbur: “When I look at him, when he’s helping me out, building things with me, I — I see the same eyes that looked at me when…when…they weren’t some fun times in the ravine of Pogtopia, I wasn’t a very well man, and I can just see Tommy from that day.”

- They reach the Wilburger Ranvan and Wilbur likes the decoration Ranboo’s added. Wilbur asks him again why Ranboo trusts him, and Ranboo says he knows what it’s like to not be trusted

Ranboo: “If no one’s with you, then how can anyone really know when you’ve redeemed yourself?”

Wilbur: “You wanna be here to see the fireworks, huh?”

(Thunder booms)

- Wilbur says Ranboo’s got exactly the mindset he’s thinking of and he knew he could trust him. He tells Ranboo when Tubbo comes over, they can get to know each other better

- Wilbur leaves Ranboo at the Ranvan

- Foolish plants ridiculous amounts of bamboo

—-

Upcoming Events:

- Wilbur’s 10(?) planned streams

- Egg Finale Stream [possibly this week…possibly soon?]

- Tales From the SMP: “Space Race”

- Ponk’s prequel stream

- Ponk’s current-day lore with Sam

- Puffy’s Lore Cast

- Sapnap’s lore

- Dream’s lore video

- Quackity’s casino opening

- Captain Puffy’s lore stream

[landinoandco]

Mick Schumacher x reader

A timely confession

Request from @gpiggy98

Warnings: fluff:)

Word count: 1.8 k

Rating: Teen and up

When Guenther had announced that Mick Schumacher was going to be joining the team - the whole of Haas were ecstatic. There were many ways to describe him, his kind and nurturing nature, his dedication to any job he sets out to do and his gentle manner that could put anyone at ease. As gutted as you were to not be Romain’s assistant going into the 2021 season, getting Mick was definitely going to make up for it. The day you were scheduled to meet him, to go over the pre-season press plan - you were excited to show him around, introduce him to the team and talk about the new challenges you were going to be facing together. What you hadn’t expected was the inability to form a proper sentence whenever he came near you - which, as his assistant proved to be less than practical. 

“Hey, it’s lovely to meet you.” Mick had said when Guenther had introduced you that day. 

“I - uh - likewise. I’m really looking forward to working with you this year.” You had stuttered. Never in your career before had you stuttered when introducing yourself - a pink flush creeped up your neck betraying you completely. Fortunately for your sake, Mick smiled innocently and shook your hand, when he clasped your hand in his you couldn’t help but feel your heart flutter. 

Guenther watched on in amusement, obviously thoroughly enjoying the experience of you making a fool out of yourself. 

After the tour - in which you had tripped over your words a fair few times - you said your goodbyes and trudged angrily up to Guenther’s office. Slouching on the chair in front of your desk, you sighed loudly. “What a day.” You uttered, pinching the bridge of your nose with your thumb and forefinger. 

“How did it go?” Guenther asked, passing you a glass of water. 

“I kept tripping over my words, to be completely honest with you it was slightly traumatic.” You replied honestly, taking the glass gratefully and taking a sip. 

“You get the chance to work with Mick and you call it slightly traumatic?” Guenther mocked, the corner of his lips turning up. 

“Tomorrow’s a new day - maybe I’m coming down with something.” You wiped your forehead in anguish. 

As it turns out you were coming down with something but unfortunately it wasn’t really something that could be cured in a matter of days. You finally worked out what was wrong when Mick had asked you to grab a little bit of lunch with him before the first race in Bahrain. You had to keep reminding yourself that it wasn’t a date, it was for work and only work. 

It was a well known fact that Mick was a heartthrob, a real life Prince Charming who drives cars for a living. His crystal blue eyes were seemingly easy to get lost in - perhaps that was half your issue. The way he was so softly spoken, lulled you into a trance. His mannerisms resembled that of a golden retriever pup and after that you realised - you were falling for Mick Schumacher. 

You were sitting in a terraced cafe, looking over the city landscape near to where the track was. Picking on chips, as Mick asked about your career up to this point. 

“What made you want to become an assistant?” He asked, passing you the plate of chips. 

You picked one up and waved it at him, “I’ve always been in love with the sport and what better way to experience it first hand than work with the drivers. I could never have been one so join them, I suppose.” 

“Did you ever race as a child then?” He asked, leaning onto his elbows, a lopsided grin plastered onto his face. 

“I did for a while.” You nodded and took a bite of your chip. 

“Maybe, during the summer break, we should go go-karting. Show me some of the good tracks in the UK.” He declared, completely oblivious to the effect it had on you. The familiar pink tinge that had gotten too used to creeping up onto your neck, the corner of your eyes crinkled as you gazed into his eyes. 

“I would really like that.” You stayed transfixed, gazing longingly at him. If only he knew how you truly felt or even better - if he felt the same way. You knew he never could, at the end of the day he had been given an opportunity to drive in formula one and you knew he wasn’t going to let a girl he worked with distract him from that. 

You cleared your throat and tore your eyes away from him - as much as it pained you - and stood up but as you turned back around, you realised that he was still watching you, his eyes glinted and the corner of his mouth quirked up. 

“I suppose we should think about getting you back, wouldn’t want them thinking you’ve gotten lost.” You said, forcing a smile onto your face. 

A few weeks later and it was time for the race in Imola, the rain was pouring down and the team’s strategists had re-grouped to come up with a strategy to fit in with the weather. Unlike for people at home, watching a wet race as part of a team was never enjoyable - the tensions thick throughout the race. Over the few weeks that you had been working with Mick, your feelings only grew stronger but since the season was well underway you found yourself spending more and more time with him. It was an impossible situation that you wished upon nobody. 

You had never been good with nerves and that was clear as you paced up and down his room. 

“Liebe.” It was his new nickname for you. “Why are you so stressed. When you start stressing, so do I and do you really want me to-” You stopped pacing and sat next to him, he placed his hand on your shoulder in an attempt to calm you. If anything it made you worse. 

“I know, I’m sorry Mick.” You exhaled shakily and looked around the room. You had seen a fair few wet races in your time and not all of them had ended nicely, in fact the majority of the time someone ended up in the wall. “Racing in the rain always makes me nervous.” You looked down at your lap, toying with your fingers. You looked at him desperately, “Just promise me you will be careful.” 

“Damn,” He whispered, “You know I was really considering driving off the track today. A little off-roading never hurt anyone.” He laughed at your horrified expression. “I’m only teasing, Liebe. You know I will be careful. Extra careful so I won’t get a telling off from you - or Guenther.” You allowed yourself to chuckle slightly, he nudged his knee with yours and tried to catch your eye but you deliberately avoided it, nibbling on your lip and furrowing your eyebrows. 

He placed his finger under your chin and lifted it to meet his gaze then placing his hand either side of your face. Breath hitching in your throat and your heart having an absolute field day, you blushed profusely, once again unable to look away from his intense gaze. 

“What’s on your mind?” He asked,  you could feel his breath fanning across your face. You shut your eyes, hands clammy and you didn’t know whether you could trust your voice. 

“I care about you.” You managed to stutter, your eyes still closed. At least this way, you couldn’t see his expression when he realised. 

“I care about you, Liebe, but you already know this-” He began carelessly. 

“No, Mick.” You opened your eyes, his brows knitted. “I care about you more than I should.” Your tone was hushed, his eyes flickered with realisation, his mouth curved into a beaming grin. He moved his face so your lips were only a tantalizing distance from each other, “Why didn’t you say so sooner.” His lips brushed yours as he spoke and when you didn’t answer he closed the distance. Capturing your lips with his, it was like two puzzle pieces had been put together. 

There was a knock at the door and the pair of you jumped apart - a voice called out: “Mick it’s time to head to the track.”

Reluctantly he got up, brushing down his race suit and held out his hand to help you up - instead of letting go once you got to your feet, he proceeded to pull you into his chest. “We shall talk about this after the race, Liebe.” He kissed the tip of your nose and walked out the door, leaving you lost for words behind him. You could still feel the ghost of his lips on yours, relishing in the events of a couple of moments ago - playing it over and over again in your head. 

It was a tense 2 hours in the Haas garage - the race far from lacking action; with Latifi crashing into the wall on lap one then on lap four Mick losing the backend of his car whilst under the safety car and crashing into the exit of the pitlane. Fortunately with a new front wing he was able to carry on and finished the race 16th. They weren’t the only two to crash as Bottas and Russel came together - even Hamilton ran off the road. Imola was proving to be savage in the rain. 

As soon as Mick crossed the finishing line, the whole garage relaxed, hugging and cheering. He had matched his result from Bahrain and managed to finish in front of Nikita. As far as Haas was concerned - it was a successful day. As his assistant you were to meet him at Parc fermé to take him to his weigh-in and post-race interviews. As soon as he saw you he took his helmet off and wrapped you into his arms, your feet coming off of the floor. You giggled and placed your hands either side of his face. 

“I was as careful as I could be.” He assured, a smirk toying at the corner of his lips. You shook your head at him, your mouth curved into a wide smile. 

“You did a good job.” You said to him, he wrapped his arms around your waist - pulling you closer into him. Then he dipped his face and connected your lips, rain falling around you. It was atmospheric and cheesy all at the same time.

There were wolf-whistles and cheers around you, as passing drivers walked by. You pulled your face away, both of your cheeks resembled tomatoes but it didn’t really matter. You knew you could never be happier with Mick by your side.

They say home is where the heart is and as long as you were with Mick - you were home.

[aestherians]

Choice or Chance?: Exploring voluntarity and categorization in the otherkin and therian communities

Under the cut is the full script for my Othercon 2021 lecture, in which I examine the way we categorize nonhumans based on the perceived amount of choice they had in their identity and how this practice is detrimental to both questioning people and our community as a whole. At the end, I propose a new way to define otherkind and otherlinkers to hopefully move our community forward.

Reading time: 30-40 minutes.

The focus of this lecture has changed a bit since I started working on it. My earliest idea was to discuss the grey area between otherlinks and kintypes - in fact one of my working titles was Grey Zones and Silver Linings. And I still plan on talking about this, though not in the way you might expect. I originally wanted to argue that those who found themselves in this grey area should be able to choose how they wanted to refer to their identity, but the more research and thinking I did, the more I realized that this would still leave a bunch of people torn and confused and wouldn’t solve any of the greater problems in our community. It also seems like such a water-is-wet statement with how the conversation has developed… and you know me, I’m only happy when I’m starting controversies.

So I went looking for the root of this whole categorization debacle.

The nonhuman community, as we know it, didn’t always exist, and though we often say it has roots in elven communities from the ‘70s, that’s only half the truth. While the Elf Queen’s Daughters and related successors such as the Silver Elves are the earliest known organized nonhuman communities, they’re by far not the only pioneers.

Because nonhuman identifying people have always existed, and our numbers have always been relatively small, some of us ended up grouping together without even being aware of the other groups that existed. And of course, all these independently formed groups ended up with their own cultures and traditions and philosophies.

Mailing lists, like the Elfinkind Digest, were generally open for anyone to join and read. But they also weren’t widely known or easy to stumble upon for folks who didn’t already have an interest in these kinds of spirituality and identification. This resulted in a culture where people’s self-identification was generally respected, and they would only be questioned if they made extraordinary claims.

Compare this with the newsgroup Alt.Horror.Werewolves, which was open for anyone to access on Usenet, and which was originally created as just a place to discuss werewolf media. On AHWw, the therians (or ‘weres’ as it was back then) would frequently have to defend their existence against strangers who just found them by coincidence. This would lead to a culture more focused on appearing respectable, which in turn would lead to grilling of new members and shut-downs of “fluffy” topics.

Other independent groups, such as Alt.Fan.Dragons, which was centered around dragons, or Always Believe, which was centered around unicorns, had their own cultures as well. For example, AFD generally accepted dragons from modern fiction, which would not have been tolerated on AHWw.

The Silver Elves is another semi-independently evolved group of elves, fae and similar beings that still exists to this day. They only represent a fraction of our community, but for today’s discussions I find their writings very illustrative. They’ve written about choice of identity on multiple levels. For starters, they believe a lot of elven spirits have actively chosen to incarnate into human bodies. More provocatively, and more interesting to me, they’ve stated multiple times that simply wanting to be an elf means you are an elf.

This is in contrast to the therian community on AHWw, where there was a big focus on involuntary shifts and theorizing on why some people were born with and animal side. I think it’s reasonable to assume this focus on involuntary experiences is due to the werewolf narrative that the community stemmed from. In werewolf media, a person’s wolfish side is rarely, if ever, a choice, while in new age and spiritual communities, like that of the Silver Elves, there’s a greater emphasis on choice of spirituality and subsequently on choice of identity.

It wouldn’t be right to say that every therian back then shared the same idea; however, the idea that involuntary shifts are a core trait of therianthropy does seem to persist in the AHWw’s userbase. Nearly all introduction posts include a line about involuntary shifts. Another idea that repeats itself is that the therian either had a “sudden awakening” or “just always knew” they were animalistic; contrasted with the Silver Elves’ idea that simply wanting to be an elf is enough for you to be one.

-

There are two main ideas about origins that seem to persist in all of this: That one is either born nonhuman or becomes nonhuman. Both are equally true. The ‘born-this-way’-narrative is quite a bit more common than the ‘becoming’-narrative, though that’s not to say that the idea of becoming nonhuman is rare, or even all that controversial in most communities - with a few caveats, that is.

The idea that one can become nonhuman tends to rest on the idea that what we become is outside our control. On the more metaphysical side of things there are stories of people being spiritually transformed into an animal after encounters with an animal spirit, or of having a shard of a god put into them. And on the more mundane side, there are stories of imprinting on a species during early development, or of taking on the experiences of a character after being engrossed in a piece of media. Most people I’ve talked to don’t have a problem with these ideas of ‘becoming’ as something outside your control.

What really gets people’s goat is when someone describes specific choices they’ve made on their journey, which ultimately led to their nonhuman identity.

This finally leads to the theme of this lecture: The topic of choice itself and how we categorize others based on the perceived amount of choice or chance there’s been in the development of their identity.

Questions I’ll discuss include: What kind of choices do we have regarding our identities? What the heck does ‘choice’ even mean in this context? And how does the idea of choice (or lack of choice) affect the way our community functions?

There are many kinds of choices that we inarguably do make on our journey of self-discovery. Probably the first universal choice is to undertake the journey and to seek out a nonhuman community. Choices that naturally follow include choice of labeling - whether we want to call ourselves otherkin, therian, fictionkin, nonhuman, and so on - and the choice to accept or reject whatever feelings caused us to seek out a nonhuman community in the first place. In this line of thinking, being otherkin is a choice - you choose to label yourself as otherkin. However, the feelings, on which you base your decision to label yourself, are not a choice. The feelings that pushed you towards the community were already there.

Another choice that follows pretty naturally in this line of thinking is the choice to strengthen whatever connections you already have. This is something I’m intimately familiar with, as I’ve been doing it since I awakened as a bison. Before I even became aware of my species identity, I knew I was nonhuman. I’d been having simultaneous bison and gnoll feelings for a few years, but couldn’t separate them, and had, without much introspection, decided that I must be some weird kind of wolf. I think a lot of us with uncommon theriotypes have gone through a phase like that.

However, one day I experienced a very strong flashing image - basically a flashback - of being physically a bison. The vision was so vivid and tactile, I immediately knew what it meant, and for the next few weeks I ignored every experience that wasn’t quite bison in nature, and just examined the recognizably bovine feelings. This helped strengthen my bison identity, and in total my questioning process only took around 2 months.

Though I’ve settled in my identity as a bison, and I’m comfortable referring to myself as a bison, I never quit reinforcing it. While I didn’t create the original bison-like feelings, I’m very conscious of the fact that I do choose to connect every trait to my bisonhood that I can. Whether I see the traits as a cause of my current bisonhood, or a result of it, things like being stubborn, preferring physical fights over verbal ones, and even liking the taste of those Beanboozled jellybeans that are supposed to taste like grass… all these traits, that any human could have, are things I connect to my identity as a bison.

I’ve experienced some pushback towards this idea from a few therian communities. A very common rebuttal I’ve run into in introduction threads and grilling threads (which, introduction threads should never be grilling threads in my opinion, but that’s another story)… a very common rebuttal to considering these kinds of traits part of your nonhuman identity is: “Isn’t that just a regular human thing?”

I have so many problems with that question, I’m honestly not sure where to even begin. Yes, those traits are experienced by humans all the time. I think some of the only experiences in the community that regular humans don’t experience are, perhaps, species dysphoria and shifting. But if your identity began and ended with having dysphoria and experiencing shifts, it would hardly qualify as an identity. Treating an identity like just the sum of its parts, rather than a whole and complicated construct, is reductive and it doesn’t just hinder discussion, it stifles discussions.

I don’t know, maybe I’m the odd one here, but my whole nonhuman identity can not be encompassed by my horn dysphoria or the fact that I sometimes feel more like a prey animal than an apex predator. My identity is so much more than that. It’s how I view the world and how I view myself in relation to the world. It’s how I react to things, what I like and dislike, and what I want out of my life. When you envision an identity in this way, as a way to describe who you are, rather than a summary of every individual thing you experience, you absolutely will see some overlap with humans, like it or not.

Another reason I dislike the question “Aren’t those just human traits?” is that it’s often asked in communities where the consensus is that you were born nonhuman, and that your identity is somehow more real or ‘valid’ if it can be corroborated by childhood memories.

While looking back at your childhood and seeing how your current identity might have formed or changed throughout the years can help paint a picture of the identity as a whole, that kind of reminiscence should always be secondary to what you are currently experiencing. Your identity is not based on the fact that you played dog when you were a toddler. Pretty much every human child has played dog or been obsessed with cats or wished they were a dragon. It might be related to your current identity, but if those were your primary nonhuman experiences you would hardly consider yourself nonhuman, nor would you find a home in the community.

No, your identity is based on who and what you are right now, and what you’re experiencing this moment. The validity of your identity should not be judged based on the number of times you pretended to be that creature in kindergarten. Your kintype should be determined based on your current experiences. And if your current experiences include things that humans can also go through, that should have no impact on the validity of your identity.

-

Alright, back on topic: Hopefully, we can agree that there’s no shame in strengthening your connections, reinforcing what traits you already have, and in drawing connections between a nonhuman identity and seemingly human traits. Which is a nice segue into a statement that might ruffle a few feathers:

Linktypes are typically based on preexisting traits that are reinforced to fit a certain narrative or ideal. A copinglink or an otherlink is rarely if ever pulled out of thin air. You just can’t craft an identity from nothing. Yeah, crazy, I know?

This parallels otherkin identities, which, as I mentioned earlier, are based on preexisting experiences and connections that one chooses to give a name and to strengthen.

The process of becoming a linker usually starts with recognizing certain traits that one either wants, or already has but wants to reinforce, by focusing them through a linktype. For example, wanting to become better at handling stress can be difficult to accomplish on its own, but is made easier by thinking about what a specific character or animal would do in a stressful situation.

But you can’t just establish a connection to any given character. There needs to be a resonance between you and the linktype, and if you don’t already have that resonance with the character, it’s impossible for you to craft an identity around them. And in that sense you could easily argue that there is an involuntary aspect to linktypes.

Once the prospective linker has recognized a connection with a character, they will begin the process of reinforcing the identity, which can include anything from writing fanfics in 1st person to wearing clothes reminiscent of the character to asking people to treat you like the character. All things that an otherkin or fictionkind might do when first establishing their identity.

A key trait of linking is that a linktype should fade away once you stop reinforcing it… Linktypes are supposed to go away if you just ignore them and push them away long enough. They’re built to be temporary.

However, a significant number of linkers or former linkers have talked about their linktype becoming an inseparable part of how they view themselves - even the ones who might be able to force their linktype away would at this point become completely different people if they did so.

In other words, their linktype has become an inherent part of who they are as a person. This integrality can appear regardless of how much effort they put into creating the linktype in the first place, and regardless of how nonexistent the linktype was before they created it… What I’m getting at is that some people describe creating an identity from scratch by their own choice, which later becomes an irreversibly ingrained part of them. It’s an experience completely contrary to the idea that we are born nonhuman. I’ll refer to these people as ‘linkers-turned-kin’.

There are a few regular rebuttals I’ve seen to this idea: That linkers-turned-kin just had a late awakening. Or that, perhaps, they felt compelled by their inner true species to seek out the identity. Or even that they were actually born nonhuman, but just didn’t realize until later.

All these rebuttals are disrespectful of the linker-turned-kin’s experiences and intelligence. I won’t even try to hide it: They make me angry. The rebuttals ride on the idea that the born-this-way idea of nonhuman identities is a fact rather than a common belief. I know that for a lot of people the born-this-way narrative rings true. I see you and I am not trying to invalidate your beliefs. Instead, I want you to acknowledge that others may not have the same belief as you. For several people in our community otherkinity is an identity that develops in response to certain traits they have - for some, those traits are inherent, something they’re born with. For others they’re traits that developed later in life, or that were worked towards. And I want to argue that, for some, these traits were expressly chosen.

The reason these arguments against linker-turned-kin make me so angry, aside from the fact that they’re built on the idea that linkers-turned-kin don’t understand their own experiences, and the assumption that your idea of how nonhuman identities work trumps someone’s lived experience… Another reason the arguments make me so angry is that they prescribe more importance to the why than the how of our identity. When you define otherkin by the way our identity formed, you’re basically saying that the cause of otherkinity is more important than the experience of otherkinity.

-

We can’t talk about this without also exploring the community’s animosity towards psychological beliefs.

Through my years in the community, I feel like I’ve had to handhold some folks through the concept of religious tolerance. I remember a little over 4 years ago someone on tumblr asked me my opinion on fictionkind - it would be another 2 years before I had my own awakening, so my response was basically that I was fine with fictionkind, though I didn’t understand their experiences and the only way it could fit into my own worldview was as a psychological phenomenon. Even after my awakening, the latter still holds true. My fictionkinity is primarily psychological. But yeah, somehow my statement that I didn’t believe fictionkinity was caused by past lives got twisted into me saying that fictionkind were all just roleplayers.

Rereading the whole debacle that ensued, this twisting of my words had little to nothing to do with my own personal beliefs - it instead exposed a widespread antipathy towards psychological otherkin. When I have talked about my current experiences as a gnoll, my shifts and my flashbacks and my hiraeth, people generally accept it without a second thought. But when I mention that I believe it’s caused by various psychological phenomena, I have on multiple occasions been told that it must not be a real identity. Some people have even treated my parallel life as just an elaborate fantasy, rather than something that’s completely real to me. I have, word for word, been told that there’s no way I could identify as a nonhuman, or be another species than a human, without believing I have a nonhuman soul. A direct quote: “To say “I am fae” when [you] don’t believe in fae is illogical.”

What I take from these kinds of responses is that a subset of people within our community take it for granted that whatever beliefs someone has about the origin of their identity are objectively true, rather than understanding that our beliefs about our origins are just that: Beliefs. Whatever conclusion we’ve reached based on our experiences, reincarnation or imprinting or something else entirely, and no matter how much we believe in it, it will always be a belief and never a fact. I’m fully convinced that my bison identity is caused by a past life, and that my gnoll and Ben 10 identities are caused by various psychological phenomena. But if that doesn’t fit into someone else’s worldview, they have all the right in the world to explain it away however they want. I have friends who believe my bison identity must be caused by something psychological, and I have friends who believe my gnoll identity must be caused by something spiritual. That is their prerogative.

It doesn’t matter how people make sense of my nonhumanity, as long as they’re respectful towards my own experiences with my identity and don’t try to impose their beliefs on me. If you have to quietly believe that someone really has a faerie soul in order to accept that they’re really a fae, so be it. As long as you don’t try to deny the reality of their current identity. As long as you don’t try to claim that they aren’t really nonhuman, just because they have the quote-unquote “wrong” beliefs about their origin.

There is another, more recent and more prominent, example of the animosity towards psychological otherkin that comes to mind. I will not mention the term itself for fear of people harassing its creator. For the purpose of this lecture, I’ll refer to the concept as “nonhuman by birth”, which is essentially its meaning. If you know which word I’m talking about, I ask that you please don’t mention it in the chat. If you need to know, you can DM me. Also, don’t misunderstand this as me hating on people with past life or soul beliefs. Remember, my own bison identity is based on a soul from a past life.

So, last year a rather old community member on tumblr coined a term, separate from ‘otherkin’, to refer specifically to those who believe they have a nonhuman soul. Which wouldn’t be a problem in and of itself. After all, terms like animafidem and cerebrumalius have been around for half a decade with no issues. However, “nonhuman by birth” is specifically described in its coining post as a “less bastardized” alternative to the word ‘otherkin’. What this post describes as “less bastardized” is spiritual experiences, and specifically those spiritual experiences that are based on soul transfers and reincarnation. Essentially “nonhuman by birth” defines all other beliefs as bastardizations of what otherkinity is supposed to be. All beliefs, including spiritual beliefs that aren’t based on souls or past lives, psychological beliefs, beliefs of becoming nonhuman, beliefs based on magic, neurological beliefs, and archetypal beliefs… None of these are quote-unquote “true otherkin” according to the “nonhuman by birth” concept.

The word thankfully never gained much traction off tumblr, but I have seen individuals use it, and it always, without fail, makes me feel unwelcome, and unwanted. Not because there’s anything wrong with a strong belief in past lives or souls, but because those who choose to use that label specifically believe themselves to be the only true nonhumans. Because the term itself is not based on a respectful, individual belief, but on what its coiner believes to be an objective fact. Because this subset of our community has an almost-evangelical conviction that all nonhumans have nonhuman souls, and those who don’t have nonhuman souls are not nonhuman.

And like I mentioned earlier: The cause of otherkinity can affect the experience a lot. That’s why we have these discussions in the first place - we come together due to our similarities, and we try to understand each other and ourselves by discussing our differences. And this is exactly why proclaiming any version of nonhumanity as the One True Kind of Nonhumanity is so damaging. It completely stifles any exchange of ideas. It makes it impossible for us to understand our differences, and it leads to more and more narrowly defined subcommunities that all believe themselves to be more real than the others.

To define is to limit. We need some limitations, otherwise a dog is a cat and no words have meaning. But we need to be extremely careful where we want those limits to be, otherwise we end up with a community where psychological otherkin are bastards, and only those who are born with nonhuman souls are really nonhuman.

-

The next thing I want to discuss is subjective truth… Subjective truth is one of the most important concepts to understand and really internalize if we wanna have fruitful discussions and respectful experience sharing. In short, a subjective truth is something that is not real because it can be proven to exist through scientific measurements but is instead real because a person experiences it as real. If I make the claim that tea tastes better than coffee, for example, you cannot refute that simply because you think coffee tastes better. We have to understand each other’s experiences and accept that we experience the world in different ways. It’s equally true to say that coffee is better than tea and that tea is better than coffee. This is what I was talking about when I said that the “born-this-way”-narrative and the becoming-narrative are equally true.

So, how does subjective truth apply to this discussion?

A phenomenon in the community I’m sure we’re all aware of is kin memories. If you’re somehow not aware of them, in short they are images, episodes, sensory information, and similar experiences that are thought to stem from another life, usually a past life. They have all the qualia of a memory, except they didn’t happen to the body currently recalling them. These experiences, though, are not restricted to those who believe their nonhumanity stems from a past life. They aren’t even restricted to spiritual otherkin. Plenty of folks with psychological beliefs, mixed beliefs, and other beliefs report the exact same experience: Images, episodes, and sensory information that does not originate from this world or from this current life.

For decades there’s been a lexical gap in the community to describe these memories that aren’t memories. Which is where I can’t avoid tooting my own horn a bit. I have an extremely rich and detailed parallel life as a gnoll, from which I can quote-unquote “recall” events, people, traditions, names, and so much more. It’s all integral to my nonhuman identity.

However, because I believe it all stems from some deep unconscious part of my brain, and because it feels like a parallel life, not a past life, I never felt right calling these things memories. So almost two years ago at this point, I undertook the quest to fill that lexical gap. And after looking through dozens of obscure web pages and dictionaries and articles, I found something useful: The word ‘noema’. Noema is a rarely used Greek word that translates to concept, idea, perception, or thought. And I’ve been very happy to see the term catching on in my corner of the community, where it’s often used as a broader alternative to ‘memory’.

In philosophy, a noema is defined as “the perceived as it is perceived.” At first this might sound a bit vague or esoteric, but when looked at through the lens of subjective truth it suddenly starts to make sense. A subjective truth is something that’s real just because a person experiences it as real. A noema is the perceived as it is perceived. So when we’re using noema as a substitute for memory… when we’re discussing memory-like experiences in the community and we explicitly refer to them as noemata, instead of referring to them as memories, the actual cause of the noema is then irrelevant. The only thing that matters is that it’s in one way or another perceived as a memory. When talking about noemata, it’s completely and utterly irrelevant if they’re real in any objective way - the only thing that matters is that the individual experiences the noema as real. Essentially the word ‘noema’ makes the cause irrelevant, so we can instead focus on the experience alone.

And I think the fact that this word has caught on (at least on tumblr) hints that our community might be moving in a positive direction. I at least dream of a community where we care a lot less about our origins, and a lot more about our actual presence in the world.

-

I had a conversation with a friend a few months ago, about this community-wide worry about the origins of our identity. And just to reiterate, I’m not saying your spiritual beliefs are irrelevant, because they can be really important when forming a whole picture of your identity. I’m more so saying they can be a bit of a distraction. In my opinion, the whole discussion about spirituality vs psychology is a red herring. Most of us didn’t seek out the community because we had certain spiritual beliefs. We sought it out because we felt not-quite-human, and it was only later that we reached any conclusions about why we feel nonhuman.

So, my friend and I talked about the role this discussion of origins plays in our community, and we reached a few interesting conclusions. For starters, it’s really upsetting to some folks to have to earnestly consider the idea that reincarnated souls are no more real or ‘valid’ than psychological imprinting, or any other non-spiritual beliefs for that matter. That’s part of what started the whole ‘nonhuman by birth’ idea I mentioned earlier. And it seems this uncomfortableness stems from a place of insecurity.

At the risk of offending some folks, I’m gonna draw a parallel to the trans community. In the trans community there’s a discussion of origins that parallels the one in the kin community and is likewise an attempt to draw lines between the quote-unquote ‘real’ trans people and the so-called transtrenders - which are supposedly people who pretend to be trans for clout. Those who attempt to draw these lines proclaim that being trans is a medical condition that they wouldn’t wish on their worst enemy, and one that’s marked by intense dysphoria and stress. They’ll also regularly state that being trans is only real or ‘valid’ because it has been proven through MRI brain scans that some female-assigned people have supposedly male brains, and vice versa.

(And just to make things clear, those brain scans are not real. It’s malicious pseudoscience spread by people who want to ‘cure’ transness by preventing trans kids from being born.)

But I think this attempt at validating your identity - in this case with science - stems from a dislike of one’s own traits, or more likely from the outside world’s dislike of those traits. When certain trans people try to prove themselves more valid than others in the eyes of the public, it’s not because they just hate those they deem ‘not trans enough’ - it’s because they’re afraid of being rejected by the rest of the world. These people are basically saying: “I didn’t choose to be trans. This is how I was born, so you have to accept it because it’s unchangeable.” It’s a cry for acceptance in an unaccepting world. And all this is not to say that some trans people aren’t born trans; I really think most trans people have a narrative like that. I’m more so trying to get across that, someone else’s narrative of choice should have no impact on your narrative of involuntarity. Both are real ways to experience being trans. And in many ways, having a narrative of choosing to be trans is necessary for the community, because it closes the doors for eugenicists who would try to eliminate quote-unquote “the trans gene”.

Viewing transness as a purely medical phenomenon where you need to meet certain requirements to get a trans diagnosis is a really reductive way to look at identity. Like I mentioned earlier: An identity is not just the sum of its parts, and it cannot be summarized by being forced to feel dysphoria. The fact of the matter is that we don’t know trans people are real because we have brain imaging technology, or even because certain people meet the medical criteria for having gender dysphoria. We know trans people are real because there are real people who identify as trans. We should be able to trust that people are trans when they tell us they are. And I think we need to look at nonhuman identities the same way.

Before I move on to the conclusion, I want to explain why this topic has become so important to me. A couple of months ago, after a good year or two of introspection, I realized I had created a hearttype. Not a kintype, but nonetheless an equally integral part of how I view myself and engage with the world. And changing something so fundamental about myself sent my thoughts racing.

When I was a kid I picked up a fear of spiders. It wasn’t bad enough to give me panic attacks, but it was bad enough that I couldn’t pick up a spider and carry it outside, even though I could do so with other bugs. I was around 10 years old when I decided that this was dumb, and I wanted to change it. So as a tween I quickly started on my own exposure therapy, looking at photos of spiders, reading about them, photographing them in nature, and after several years it had gotten to the point where I barely had a reaction to seeing them. But as I continued on, getting used to the idea of holding them and touching them, something changed in me.

Where I had previously felt fear, I started to feel admiration and love and a sense of familiarity. I wanted to surround myself with these animals, I wanted to work with them, and I started spending a not-insignificant amount of money on terrariums. And now, after more than a decade of rewriting my own thoughts and changing a mild fear into a love so deep it affects my sense of identity itself, I feel confident saying I created a hearttype. It was not an easy process. Like I said, it took more than a decade. Changing your entire mindset like that can’t be done with just a snap of your fingers. But evidently, some people are able to do it.

Though I have to add that, even here, it’s very easy to argue that there was some level of involuntarity. I already had an emotional response to spiders when I was scared of them. I don’t think I could form this kind of relationship with something I’m completely indifferent to, like, I dunno, a Toyota or a Marvel character. You can’t really form a relationship from nothing. And I appreciate this argument, because it really highlights just how confusing the entire concept of choice is, and how it doesn’t make sense to define ourselves by our lack of choice, when we can’t even define what counts as a choice.

But yeah, realizing that I created a hearttype, an identity that at the time was considered involuntary… realizing that I didn’t just play a part in creating this identity, but that I did create it, period. It sent my mind spinning, and I couldn’t stop thinking about what else might be possible. If I could create such love in myself, could I also do the opposite and tear down my own hearttype and recreate the phobia? Not something I want to test. But I think I could. And which other identities could be created like this?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the creation process has no impact on the nature of the identity itself, and I ended up posting a really controversial thing on tumblr. In hindsight I understand why some people got so pissed off about it, but I still stand by those thoughts. I’ll read it to you in full: “Theoretically I probably could force myself to not be otherkin. But it would take a decade or more, the way my hearttype creation did, and it would require constant work throughout those years. However, I see no way I wouldbenefit from that work, the way I did when I unintentionally created a hearttype in the process of getting rid of a phobia. It would just rid me of a part of myself that’s intrinsic to how I recognize myself. That’s not something I in any way want - and because I don’t want it, and because the choice would have to happen continuously on a timescale I can barely comprehend, I couldn’t make that choice in practicality.”

A very long and very complicated discussion came out of this post that I’d need a whole separate lecture to recap. But a few important ideas were developed, which I need to mention here. For starters, when discussing shadowwork and the Jungian archetypes, Jasper accidentally coined the term ego alteration. Through that discussion we ended up defining ego alteration as the process by which you proactively alter your conscious mind, your self-perception, and your thought-patterns. It’s not something to be taken lightly, as you’ll essentially be changing your sense of self by it. And it’s also not something everyone has the ability, desire, or drive to do. To integrate something into your sense of self, or to remove something that’s currently a part of your sense of self is serious business, and, like my hearttype creation, is something that should be thought about on a decades long timescale. I don’t have time to get in-depth about it here, but to consciously change your identity and your sense of self is definitely possible for some folks, and it’s nice to have a name for the concept.

Something else that came of that discussion is my own thoughts about how we define otherkin. The most common definition I’ve seen is “to identify, wholly or partially, as something nonhuman on a nonphysical level, by no choice of your own.” … I suggest we drop the last bit.

Okay, it’s a bit more complicated than just deleting a few words. In order to drop the “by no choice of your own” bit, without losing the meaning of otherkinity completely, and letting kin for fun take over, we’d need to rethink that entire definition.

Instead of defining otherkin by the amount of choice we had in the formation of our identity, I suggest we define otherkin by how integral our identities are to us. It was briefly mentioned on in one of the other panels (though I forget which one), but a pretty big source of conflict is that kin for fun just don’t understand the gravity of otherkin identities. If we define otherkinity as something that’s inseparable from who we are as individuals, it would not only make it clear to kin for fun that this is, well, not for fun. It would also get around the problem of people who worry that their identities might be invalid because they’ve made certain choices.

Your otherkinity is inherent, and by that I mean you would be a fundamentally different person if not for your kintype. At its most basic level, your kintype is what you recognize yourself to be. It’s the kind you belong to, rather than, or in tandem with, belonging to humankind. You kintype is an intrinsic part of you, and even if you could get rid of it, it would fundamentally change who you are is a person. If you chose not to be otherkin, you would also choose not to be you. In that sense, I suppose otherkinity is involuntary, in that you yourself can’t choose not to be otherkin, because as soon as you make that choice, you aren’t you. Though you could also argue that it is a choice because you wake up every day and choose to be you. And thus, the topic of choice leaves us running around in circles like it always has.

Being otherkin… being otherkind has never been about being forced to feel species dysphoria. It’s about being of another kind. It’s about knowing and recognizing humankind, and accepting that, in one way or another, that does not describe us.

And all this is not to say that copinglinking shouldn’t be a concept, but we need to rethink that as well. From the very few copinglink writings that exist, one topic I’ve seen several times is the idea of copinglinks becoming inseparable from you. This is not the point of links, and those who do go through a change like that find themselves more at home in the kin community than the link community. I don’t want to impose myself on linkers, but if we want these two words to make sense and have a use, we need to redefine both. I suggest defining copinglinks and otherlinks by their lack of integrality or by their ability to be dropped when necessary.

The line that has been drawn between otherkin and copinglinkers doesn’t help anyone as it is. There are far too many nonhumans who straddle the line, who feel torn between either community, or who only call themselves linkers because they feel pressured to do so. There are far too many nonhumans who don’t feel like they have a community they can call home.

So, I’m gonna propose a new and much more inclusive definition: To be otherkin is to identify as something nonhuman on an inherent or integral level. There you go, clean and simple. No more caveats or nested sentences.

[gb-patch]

Ask Answers: August 8th

Well, doing big posts all together worked for a while but lately I’ve been putting it off because it takes a long time to get them done. I think I’m gonna try switching back to answering asks whenever I can fit it in and posting them one at a time instead of waiting until I’ve filled out one of these major collections.

But for now, here’s more ask answers! Thank you for the questions and for all the kind words along with them ^^.

Hello!! I'm here to ask if its possible to get  the game and its dlcs on steam and play it on android?

I’m afraid not. Steam doesn’t have Android builds on their own site and Steam is not cool with keys for other sites being given out for Steam purchases, so you don’t get the Itch version from buying on Steam.

Hello! Sorry to bother you but, I had a question, if we buy the Game on itchio do we get steam keys or would we need to purchase it twice? 

You would have to buy it twice if you want it in both places, I’m sorry. To repeat myself a little, Steam doesn’t like the key trading thing. Itch may support giving keys for another site, but the reverse isn’t doable with Steam and Steam doesn’t even really want you to get a Steam key for buying somewhere else either. So we just don’t mess around with that.

hey, sorry if this is frequently asked, but is step 4 free dlc or paid for? some of your sources are contradicting each other. 

It’s free! There’s a paid wedding DLC, but Step 4 itself is entirely unpaid.

Hello! I just had a quick question, for the Baxter and Derek DLC's will we be able to confess our feelings to them or let them confess to MC? or will it only be one way? (they confess to MC)

Both type of options will be available!

Hey there! I wanted to ask whether or not the Derek DLC is still on track to be released in August since on the steam discussion board it says it will be released mid 2021. I totally understand if it isn't, I'm just really looking forward to it! If you answer then ty! And keep up the amazing work :D 

It’s not, aha. Unfortunately, 2021 wasn’t easier than 2020 as we hoped so things are still slower than planned. It’ll come out late 2021 or early 2022.

Hi! Firstly I just want to say that I LOVE Our Life. I have played a bit of similar games but this one instantly wins for the best one! Everything about it is amazing! I just wanted to ask if Derek would ever lose feelings for MC, like if they make the deal and then MC gets with Cove would he move on? and even if you don't, after "losing contact" would his feeling fade or would he still like MC? 

If you don’t really keep in touch with him and clearly move on with your life, Derek will too and he’ll be over it. But if you are still close as best as you can be, he’ll still think the MC is special. Though, he’ll always support your relationship with someone else if that’s what’ll make you happy.

Hello! Sorry if you've answered this before but: 'How's Lee related to us? Though which momma? And does she share our player-chosen last names? Also, do you know if Noelani took Pam's last name or did it happen the other way round? 

She’s related to Pamela and Pamela’s last name is the one they use, so the MC has the same last name as Lee.

Will we be able to choose which (they or he) we tend to call Qiu by more often, or will it randomly change depending on the moment? 

Qiu knows which pronoun they’re comfortable with at a time and you’ll call them what they’re happy with. And it doesn’t change between lines, it takes multiple scenes or even full Steps for it to switch. So for extended periods Qiu will be totally a guy or fully agender.

Will Step 4 of OL2 have moments?

It’ll be an epilogue like it is in OL1, so it won’t have a bunch of different Moments.

Hello! Just a quick question, is Sunset bird from OL1 based on a real location? If so what's it called? I wanna visit it +_+

ps i love your games so much <3

It isn’t based on one specific town you can go to, but there are a lot of little coastal towns in Cali that have a similar vibe!

Heyaaa ( I hope you're all well ), umm… it might seem kinda stupid to ask but did Patreon members can have a key for the dlc's ( all the steps-released dlc ) even if they became a member this month or later ? (me? saying this cuz it's my case? maybe ;-;), and once again thanks for absolutely all the amazing works on all the games ! u-u 

You wouldn’t get the DLCs for backing there. The Patreon is for extra bonus content/early access, rather than being a storefront to purchase the normal DLCs. Rarely we give them out as a side gift, but it hardly happens and if what you want is the DLCs it’s best to ignore the Patreon and  buy keys for those directly from Itch or Steam. I’m sorry for the confusion.

Hey y'all, love what youre doing w/Terry. Trans rep outside of player customization is so rare and important to see more of so thank you so much. I do have a question and its that does he have a canon sexuality? I know Miranda was said to be straight ace but I dont believe anything was stated for Terry probably because he wasnt revealed to be a guy which changes things. Im also curious if well get answers on how long hes liked Miranda since he may have liked her in step 3 before she liked him 

Terry likes women and Randy likes men! And he did like Miranda back in Step 3.

Will the Wedding Dlc release at the same time as Step 4? 

They’ll come out separately with Step 4 releasing first.

I really love Our Life so much! I've spent over 20hours playing it even though I only got it a week ago! I was wondering if I could make a fangame for Our Life with a different love interest but same plot. Next-door neighbors romance, multiple steps, etc? I'll probably make it on Google Slides though- 

Sure! I hope you have fun with it and I’m glad you love the game.

How does Cove feel about poly relationships? 

He’s got nothing against them for the people they work for, but he’s 100% monogamous and would only be comfortable with a partner who was willing to be monogamous with him.

Idk if this has been answered before but will Step 4 include the option to advance your feelings towards Cove? 

Yep, you’ll be able to determine your feelings and what your relationship is.

In step 4 will there be a chosen to say we live with Cove even as just friends? 

Yeah, you can choose to live with Cove and that can be done when you’re friends.

I just played the game with the MC and Cove being best friends and omg it’s still so damn cute like the wholesomeness of it all is too much for my heart I swear ^.^  Now with that all said I was wondering can we still marry Cove? if we only love him as a friend like let’s say we’ve made deal with him similar to the one we can make with Derek because let’s real no one could compete with what the MC and Cove have even if they aren’t in love. 

It’s great to hear you enjoyed the friendship story! You can live with Cove, but you can’t marry him platonically. Cove has familial affection for the MC if they’re best-est friends. He wouldn’t think to marry someone he loves like family and even grew up with as though they truly were siblings.

Are you still going to be making a DLC for XOBD? :] 

Yes! We’re slowing adding voiced lines and fixing errors.

It makes me laugh that Shiloh's last name is Fields because that's what I put as my last name! So in Our Life when he talked about "Ms. Fields" picking him up I was extremely confused, lol. That dude mimics personalities so much that he stole my surname!

Oh, wow, that’s a very funny coincidence, haha.

hi !! i cant seem to be able to get the scene where mc is able to propose to cove despite being at the 'love' stage and telling him i'd want to get married, are there any other details that im missing out on? the options just dont appear at the end... 

Maybe you missed telling Cove you were in love with him even if you mentioned wanting to get married or you might’ve accidentally said earlier in the game that you don’t want to progress your relationship further with Cove. We haven’t removed them, so you can get the scene again. It’s just kind of easy to miss since there’s multiple requirements. You can read a little guide in the FAQ.

wait what di you need to do to be able to propose to cove? I've been trying but haven't had much luck 

You can check out the FAQ linked above!

does cove only develop a crush on the mc if the mc is also at crush/in love with him? 

Technically, yes. We treat the non-romantic relationship options as truly non-romantic since we don’t want to bait and switch people. But there’s nothing wrong with headcanoning that Cove does have feelings developing for the MC even before the MC has.

Is there a way to make/allow Lee and Baxter to date?

No, they just don’t have enough time together.

We also got a group of asks related to Tamarack in OL2, but I’m afraid the way they talked about people with larger bodies made me not want to post their words, even if the person didn’t say they’re trying to be hurtful. I will separate out the core question and answer it though, so people can know that info.

Does Tamarack lose weight in later Steps?

No, she doesn’t. As for the other questions included, to be honest, I don’t have to explain/defend having romance options of different sizes. I’m sorry if you’re dealing with unhappiness that’s connected to body image, if that’s where the negative emotions are coming from, but even so I can’t meet you on that level and pretend it’s a problem that needs an answer. A girl who simply isn’t thin being a main love interest is just not an unreasonable concept. Also, Tamarack isn’t a lesbian. Yes, she can date a female MC, but that doesn’t undo her actual sexuality, so I’m not sure where that one part at the end was coming from.

I wonder... can we "fight" with Qiu over leader status? 👀

Not really, haha. No matter how cool your MC is, they’re never gonna replace Qiu for the other kids around. So you can either partner up with him, follow him too, or not be a part of all that group politics stuff.

So when I play the game, sometimes I mentally call Cove “Covie/Covey” and that made me wonder, how does Cove feel about being nicknamed? Not like Romeo/Space Cadet/etc. but like pet names relating to his actual name

It’d depend on his age, personality, and your relationship with him! When he’s younger he’d probably be embarrassed, when he was grown he’d probably be more casual or happy about it.

will you be able to date baxter in step 3 while at crush with cove (but not dating him ofc) sorry if this has been asked already. i really love baxters step 4 design btw!! 

Yeah, you can be crushing on Cove and date Baxter if you weren’t already dating Cove. You just can’t be truly in love with Cove and then switch to Baxter.

I just got my friend into our life, and they adore shiloh and derek sooo will there be more of them in the second game? 

I’m afraid not. But you can see plenty more of Shiloh in XOXO Droplets/XOXO Blood Droplets, haha.

I see you haven't gotten any xoxo droplets asks recently but I'm still obsessed with these boys!! I was just wondering if Nate would curse under any circumstance? 

Yeah, Nate does use certain swear words (damn, hell, bastard) on very rare occasions.

Hi there! I have a question about the wedding dlc. Will we be able to plan a honeymoon during the planning stages of it or would it be something that Cove and the mc would rather plan later on? Thank you! Absolutly love the game by the way, definitely one of my favorite games! 

The focus will be on the wedding day itself. The topic of the honeymoon might come up a bit, but there won’t be any choosing of the exact location and such.

Hi! I have two questions and it's completely understandable if you only answer one/neither and I'm sorry if you've already answered either before! First, is there a set year in which OL:B&A takes place (ex: Step 1 being set in 2010 & Step 2 being set in 2016, etc.) or is it simply up to interpretation? Second, have you guys thought about doing a coming-of-age game where the MC has a tough home life or upbringing? (like one of their parents is an addict, a parent being transphobic whilst the player has the option to be trans, or having friends that are influencing them to do drugs, etc.) That's all! Thanks for making beautiful games. <3 

There is a set timeline!

Step 1: 2006 Step 2: 2011 Step 3: 2016 Step 4: 2021 

And we don’t currently plan on making a game like that. The Our Life series exists to be a safer environment for people to play around in and if we did do a brand new series that was harsher edged it’d be something more fantastical and/or plot-driven instead of a different type of modern day slice-of-life growing up story. I’m sorry.

i don’t know if you’ve already answered this, but do you have a guess on when phase 4 will come out? as well as ol2? i’m so excited for both of them, the inclusivity in this game is amazing, you guys should be really proud of it! 

Step 4 will be coming out very soon! OL2 is gonna take until 2023 to be anywhere near completion. But we might episodically release the Steps one at a time as they get done instead of waiting for three to be finished before launch like we did with the first game.

Hello, I was curious if there was an official or unofficial discord server for the game? 

We do have a discord! You can join by clicking this link HERE.

how long do you plan to keep ol's patreon running? 

Hopefully for at least a few more years.

Are you considering ever making merch? 

Yeah, but I don’t know when it’ll happen or what exactly we’ll make, aha. It’s something we want do, just nothing is set.

hi! i just found out about your game a couple of days ago on tiktok (so sorry if you’ve already answered this question) and i was wondering if y’all are ever planning to release it on iOS? 

I have no idea. It’s hard for a small group to get Apple approval and I honestly can’t say if it’ll ever happen or not. Maybe someday, though!

Hi, I love the art style of Our life and I would like to know if the artist has a Twitter? Also, could it be possible to fund more CGs for the game from him/her? So many times, I wish there was one like when the cutscene of the sunshower. 

That’s nice of you to offer. He doesn’t have a Twitter, at least not one that’s public enough to be shared with me. And I’m afraid not. The issue is that the CGs take huge amounts of time rather than there not being a budget for it. He’s gotta make CGs for Step 4, the DLCs, and new character sprites, too. There isn’t space in the schedule for even more. Sorry for that.

Hi, how are you?!

Are you planning on accepting new writers or is it always the same people who write your stories??

Thanks!!

Our Life: Beginnings & Always won’t be getting new writers, but we will be hiring a new team of writers for Our Life: Now & Forever eventually!

perhaps this counts as nsfw and I'm sure it has been answered before but what does Cove prefer, chests/boobs or butts? or perhaps both :3c thank you for this wonderful game (and the patreon bonus moment, it was worth all the waiting and more ♥) 

He’s a “chests of all shapes and sizes” kind of guy, haha.

i was wondering- did any of the writers actually grow up by the beach? as someone who's lived in a beach town all their life it really did feel nostalgic to play through our life 1 

I was born and raised in Cali! Though, not right by the beach. We still had to make trips out, but the setting is based on my own childhood memories of small beach towns we went through.

In Derek’s upcoming DLC, will we be able to reference the pact we made as teens? (love olba and xod/xobd so much btw you’re literally amazing) 

Yep, you will be able to talk about that!

Oh, sorry about the Cole being secretly L ask, then!

If you wanted context: Death Note is about this one guy who finds a notebook that kills anyone who you write the name of in there. The guy eventually develops a God Complex and starts mass killing criminals and stuff. L is the one trying to find out who is killing all these people.

Me and my sister first joked about it because I couldn't remember how to translate a word about the way Cove was sitting, so I just did the pose, and it looked a lot like how L himself sits! Then we just snowballed from there, with more and more nonsense connections.

That’s okay! Thanks for explaining. I’m sorry I didn’t know what you meant.

[cuuzca]

Hey there guys! Wanted to do an update since I haven’t officially done that in quite a while. It’s nothing totally new but I do want to bring you all into the loop below!

Health

I had big plans for this year! Including my shop, commissions etc. My plan was to celebrate my birthday and during the summer, take a small hiatus and continue forward with my project and unveil it all by the end of the year!

Unfortunately, I hit a giant road block when my neck injury from January of 2021 returned with a vengeance this past August. That really felt like it threw a wrench into plan and feel as though I’ve been stumbling since. It started out when raising my arm after pulling something and had the same dullness as before, until one day unfortunately I sat up in the wrong direction and the pain shot throughout my body and left me virtually immobile because it hurt so bad. I was alone at the time and had to use different things near me to prop myself up again because I could just not use my neck or left shoulder without a lot of pain.

This lasted on and off for a few weeks until September and even the month of September was all a blur and October was hectic and we had DQB2ber which was nice! And here we are. Occasionally, I still have to be careful how I move my neck.

I expected this to take time for me to heal physically but what I didn’t expect was the mental toll it would take. I should have known but it still took me by surprise? I felt bad because I couldn’t get the things I wanted to done. And because I was gone for a while not making anything, a few of the passerbys or folks who used to support me kind of dropped off the face of the earth. And on top of that, even after I started to heal, I started to self doubt myself so much if what I do even makes a difference? I still enjoy and love to draw so much! I love it so much and I love to share it and read everyones responses. But if i get sick again, does that mean i just get forgotten? I still don’t know how to answer that. But I’m working on the mental aspect of my healing journey right now. I’m working on keeping myself content in what I do because i enjoy it, not to appease anyone else. But because this is who I am and this is my joy. So I’m slowly getting the hang of it again.

Shop

Because of my physical and mental health, keeping the shop open to make orders and sell was out of the question entirely. I had it open during the summer but right after the neck injury, I temporarily “closed” it for maintenance. (Sucks that they still charge you for your shop even if its under maintenance, thats $40 down the hole because I kept forgetting to end the payment plan, oops ;;;)

Even now, the link won’t work if you want to reach my shop. I was hoping to at least get it back up and running for Black Friday sales but I can’t see that happening where I’m still trying to upkeep basic internet presence :,) Regardless! I still plan to sell later on and make more stuff! That won’t change! For now, the new plan is to hopefully do some irl maintenance, clean up my devices storage and irl storage in order to open back up soon!

The current plan is to open up shop again during January! There will be the same stock as before on sale. Afterwards, I plan to make new merch & expand on other series to include in the shop! :) Diversify stock and have lots of new goodies. Wish me luck!

Projects

I’m still going to try and work on the project I had planned for this year. I won’t reveal what it is but I’m still very excited about it. ^-^

Other small projects include upkeeping my ko-fi page! Each time I use it, I discover something new and exciting so I want to continue focusing on my kofi page since there’s so much I can do that I didn’t realize before. So please look forward to that! ♡

Wishlist

I’ve been working up the courage to do so. This summer, I also opened up a Throne wishlist! Some kind friends helped me set that up very quickly and was able to put some necessities and goodies I’ve been wanting for a while right away. But, I had felt guilty for wanting to ask for them. 😅 But thats the whole point right? Asking for something is okay. A wishlist is for letting someone else know what to give you if you could give them a gift right?

So I’m finally worked up the courage to share my throne wishlist!!! :)

I’ll do so during black friday sales so if anyone does want to gift, it will hopefully not be as expensive! <3Its not an obligation to gift but I would just be really appreciative anyway ^-^

Afterword

Anyway, it’s the season for being thankful. So, I want extend my thanks to anyone and everyone who has still stuck around for my absence, who is always there to react and support my work, who always had a kind word to share with me and have patience with me. I’ve learned a lot about myself too and have tried to better understand and thus afford some of that patience for myself too. Sometimes we can be our own hardest critics and thats not fair right? I just want to again say thanks to everyone. And thank you all for taking the time to read this. Thank you all :)

Lots of love,

-Cuzca!!

☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆