#I’ve grown so much in the past 6 years it’s incredible and I actually might cry about it

[leadmetothegardenbetty]

absolutely insane to me that two years ago I was getting ready to go on my first international trip with my company and my anxiety was so bad my stomach was screwed up for months beforehand, I was more miserable than I’d ever been and I could barely even function and now I’m leaving to go on my third international trip and for the first time I can actually be kinda excited about it???

[babynonbinarywitch]

Supernatural Creatures AU - Arcane

Part 2

Since it’s practically everywhere, I’ve been having thoughts about this in the past couple days, specifically around Jayce (and Mel and Viktor)

I’m thinking specifically about dragon Jayce

With human mage Mel and siren seer Viktor

Important Lore Details

Dragons are one of the few actually immortal creatures, and as such age extremely slowly in their true forms

Dragons also grow as they age until they hit about 300

Jayce, being only 35 when main canon (Happy Progress Day onward) hits, is still teeny tiny in full dragon form

Ximena is close to 350, and so is full grown and massive

The blacksmith is also full grown and older than Ximena, around 500

At some point in the past, Noxus made a sport of hunting dragons as a way to prove ‘might’, one of their pillars of strength

Unfortunately, this has the consequence of hunting dragons in anywhere Noxus invades to near extinction

Most do flee to neighboring nations (one of the many reasons Noxus and Ionia go to war), but sometimes they’re caught unaware by hunters and have to flee immediately with no planning

This is what happens to Ximena and her husband/mate, with Ximena weaker than usual because she had just laid Jayce’s egg not even three days ago

She’s forced to flee with Jayce’s egg in her claws and flee northwards, further into the mountains to find a place to let Jayce’s egg grow and hatch, while her partner holds off the Noxian hunters and is killed

Jayce’s egg take roughly 50 years to hatch, between his mom having to find a warm enough spot and having to get a stockpile of food so that she can actually incubate Jayce long enough for him to hatch

But when he’s about 6, a severe blizzard forces them to move south again, severe enough that Ximena isn’t willing to risk Jayce’s wings to the cold and have them fly, but catches them off guard and this is when the mage steps in and saves them, transporting them not too far from Piltover, where they are able to start over again

Important Plot Points

Thinking that Piltover & Zaun are both mainly mixes of vampires and werewolves, with a few rarer exceptions

Jayce and his mother are refugees to Piltover

Jayce is obviously a little hatchling when they get to Piltover, no more than 6, so Ximena is incredibly protective of him

With them being immigrants to Piltover, I can see his common/English not being as good/extremely accented to the point it was hard to understand at first and he gets bullied enough for it that Ximena makes the decision to pull him out of school and teach him what she knows after only a couple of months because like hell is her hatchling going to go through taunting that he can barely understand

Also it happens to be safer for Jayce to be sequestered in the home/nest until he’s older and able to adequately defend himself

Even in a place like Piltover, there’s still plenty of opportunities for a young dragon hatchling to be stolen right from under his mother’s nose and sold off for parts/as a pet/etc.

But without a partner to watch him in the home/nest, Ximena is pretty much forced to take him along on any outings to keep him by her side

He doesn’t particularly mind, but he’s easily distracted by books and often asks his mama to get the book(s) that capture his attention, and this causes a separation from Ximena exactly once

It doesn’t happen again after he starts tearing up before he hears his mama yelling his name outside and he runs out to her, abandoning the book he had been reading

Ximena had noticed her hatchling was missing and turned back in the massive market and started yelling his name, eventually she was noticed by a certain Lady Kiramman in her youth, who helps calm her down enough to guide her back to the bookstore and Jayce bolts out and attaches himself to Ximena, shaking and tearing up

The young Lady Kiramman may or may not escort them home and Ximena thanks her for her help and they stay acquainted through letters, and Jayce may or may not receive ‘anonymous’ gifts of piles of books to add to his slowly growing hoard over the years

Over the years, Jayce learns everything he knows about blacksmithing by apprenticing to one of the only other dragons in Piltover who offers after they discover each other as dragons and he realizes just how young Jayce is by dragon standards

He still goes through university, and after the trial, he’s still on the edge of the building’s rubble, and Viktor still interrupts him and they still work on Hextech, and they still break into Heimerdinger’s lab

Difference is that when they’re flying it’s a little more familiar to Jayce than to Viktor, who still finds his way through it, almost as if it was water instead of air but still moving forward

He starts nursing two crushes that night

One on the most gorgeous man he thinks he’s ever seen, who has a brilliant mind to go along with amber eyes that almost look like a forge ember

And one on the most beautiful woman he thinks he’s ever seen, with eyes like jade glass with a spark in them, and golden implants that sparkles in the light of the Hextech

He doesn’t realize it until much later, but he does recognize that he admires both of them, however little he knows them so far

[lin-nin]

Tribulation & Tenderness - Chapter 3

Ship: Main Technoblade x Reader, some Dream x Reader

Plot: You're a princess in a Kingdom suffering a years long famine. In a desperate attempt to help your people, you accept one simple offer: Marriage to the crown prince of a neighboring kingdom. Anything to help your people survive. Surely it can't be too bad, can it?

Chapter List: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 Disclaimer:   Cross-posted on Wattpad (discontinued) and Ao3. This is based off of everyone's CHARACTERS. I do not write fanfic based off the actual people.

--

Chapter 3: Deceit

< | Previous Chapter Your parents had managed to keep their pleasant composure while they talked to the King. You, eventually, had broken eye contact with the Prince. Technoblade, as you found out at some point through the conversation. The air felt tense and you really just wanted to get away. It wasn't like you could just walk out, though. So you stood, looking at your parents and shifting rather restlessly.

Your mother finally clapped her hands together, brown eyes focusing on you with a level of seriousness you didn't want to question. "Be a dear and show Prince Technoblade around, maybe to his room for the next couple of days?" It was phrased like a question, but you knew it was not. Plus something about the way she said Technoblade's name was a worry. You nodded, stepping down and looking expectantly towards the pink haired man.

Once he approached, you offered a smile. You were at least versed well enough in diplomacy and hospitality to hide the fact that he was even more terrifying beside you. His height didn't help. "Pleasure to finally meet you, Prince Technoblade. I'm Princess-" You began as you led him down the halls, away from where you were pretty sure you just heard your father's voice raise.

"Techno. Just Techno," He had interrupted you, voice plain. Monotone. You blanched a little, peering at him in your peripheral. You simply nodded, finishing your introduction. He simply nodded at you, letting the pair of you lapse into silence. The only sound was your shoes on tile, and the occasional sound of his swords hitting one another.

"So… are you liking it here so far?" You started after a few moments, resisting the urge to twiddle your thumbs. You sneaked another glance over to him, trying to guage his reaction. Yet the damn skull plastered to his face prevented that. Here you thought Dream was hard to read.

"From what I've seen it's not awful here." Another empty response. You tried to not huff in frustration. You were supposed to be married to him? How the hell were you going to be sure he wasn't going to cut you down at any moment?

"Right. Just arrived here." You continued to lead him through the halls, letting silence fall again. You would point out important rooms every now and then, and he would reply as plainly as he did every other time. It was incredibly difficult to handle and work with. It didn’t really encourage you to speak to him for too long. You supposed that was something you would have to get over. You would deal with it after your marriage was concrete.

“This is where you’ll be staying for the next few days. Uh, you obviously aren’t stuck in here! You can come and go as you please. I can come back by before dinner, if you would like?” You stammered awkwardly. The combination of the intimidation Techno carried, combined with you just not knowing how to act was a mess. You could hear him exhale, lips twitching just the slightest. Was he… laughing at you?

You resisted every urge to pout, though an embarrassed heat rose to your cheeks. “That’d be… nice,” He relented. You swore you could hear amusement hiding in that monotone voice. Was it already getting easier to read him? You would take it, though. If you were, it would make your future rather easy to deal with.

“Right. Alright. Okay, I’ll… I’ll see you then.” You fumbled out words, raising your hand for a little farewell wave before you turned. You had to resist your urge to run down the hallway, well aware of his lingering gaze on your back. However, once you heard the door click shut, you let your feet carry you as fast as possible without running. He was far too intimidating for your liking, and you were pretty sure it was one of the reasons your parents were so upset.

Speaking of, as you approached the throne room once more, you could still hear their raised voices. Even your mother. You paused outside the closed doors, pressing your ear to the thick wood. It was hard to hear through the material, and you could only catch an occasional word. A few mentions of the word ‘lie’, as well as ‘wrong prince’. You could feel the tension from out here, and you had absolutely no desire to go in there. Whatever they were arguing over, you didn’t want to know. You would much rather stay out here. Or somewhere.

An utterance of your name brought you back to the situation, making you glance over your shoulder. George stood there, looking tired in a way but still offering you that soft smile. As he almost always did. “George,” you had started out softly, lips pursed. You pulled yourself away from the door, and to his side. He was always good at stealing you away from tense moments.

“Walk and talk.” Was his simple reply as he led you along. You didn’t even need to think twice about falling into step beside him. It was natural, something the two of you had done many times before. Just as natural was the destination. The gardens were where the two of you had many talks in the past. Was it where the two of you would have your final talks together?

The thought brought an uncomfortable pang to your chest. You loved George. Very dearly. You had always grown up close, even with differing roles and responsibilities. The thought of leaving him did hurt, but it was always inevitable to an extent. He would be King one day, so you wouldn’t always be able to see him. Evidently, you would be Queen one day. Life was funny sometimes in the way things played out.

“They’re upset. What did I miss? I thought this betrothal was a good thing?” You finally breached the heavy silence with the question. You looked to him for guidance, eyebrows furrowing. He heaved a sigh, closing his eyes.

“Technoblade wasn’t the prince they had in mind when they accepted the offer,” George finally replied after a few moments of thought. Oh. That would make some sense. That raised even more questions, though. Were they able to be answered?

“There was another crown prince?”

“Yes. I don’t know too much, but he was my age. We don’t keep too close tabs on the kingdom, so we were only vaguely aware of Technoblade’s reputation. We do not know when the… change happened. You were not supposed to marry this prince. Our parents feel deceived.” You listened to him intently as he spoke, and you could only sigh.

“I assume his reputation is not… a good one.” George nodded in response to your statement. You sighed, turning your gaze to the flowers nearby. You reached out, fingers running over the petals. “I don’t need to know the details. I already made the agreement, and I stand by it. Our people need help.”

His hand gently came to rest upon your shoulder, concern in his eyes. “Is it what you want, though? You could change your mind, there’s a life for you here as well.” He reasoned with you and you paused. Your thumb ran over the petal of the flower slowly, feeling the softness of it. The fragility. Too much pressure and it would break and tear. Sometimes you felt like the delicate pink flower. You tilted it, eyeing the thorns hiding along the stem. Perhaps you were a flower, but not this one. You were not dangerous, you had no thorns.

“I don’t know if I was set for a life here. I’ll never know. I need to do this, though. Leaving might be good for me.” You dropped the flower, turning to George once more. You smiled over to him, and he returned it. Though it didn’t reach his eyes like his normal smile. This one held a touch of melancholy to it.

He approached you, holding his arms out for a hug. You didn’t need to give a second thought, finding your way into his hold. It was comforting, the way he squeezed you tight against him. “If that is what you want, I won’t stop you. Just know there’ll always be a place for you here, should anything happen.” He murmured into your hair, and you simply nodded.

He rubbed at your back gently, letting the hug linger before the both of you pulled back. “You know I’ll always write to you. I’ll have many letters to write. I think I’ll head for the library for now though. I want to get my mind off of things,” You grasped his hands, squeezing them tightly. You needed to think, and calm your frazzled nerves. Too much was going on, and you had no idea if you should be worried about the deceit taking place. Techno didn’t seem too awful. Right?

Next Chapter | >

[wienerbarnes]

Much Ado About Nothing (2/6)

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 2,368

Warnings: enemies to lovers, feelings talk

A/N: second part!

MAIN MASTERLIST | MUCH ADO MASTERLIST

Steve and Sam occupy the common room one early morning after a workout. They converse casually among themselves, Sam with a book in his hand and Steve with a newspaper in his. Out of the corner of his eye, Sam sees Bucky slip into the kitchen a few yards away.

Sam clears his throat casually to get Steve’s attention. He glances at Sam, watching as Sam flicks his eyes to the kitchen behind Steve, and Steve gives an understanding nod in return.

“So, Sam, what was it that you told me last night?” Steve says at a low volume, knowing that Bucky’s ears will pick it up from that distance.

“You told me that our very own Geeky is hot for Bucky?” Steve throws out.

Bucky’s entire body freezes at the sound of that. There’s no fucking way on God’s green earth that I heard that right.

“Yup,” Sam confirms, popping the ‘p’, “I never thought that woman would fall in love with any man, let alone Tin Man himself.”

Am I awake right now? Am I alive right now? There’s no way I’m hearing what I’m hearing. Me… and Geeky? And love? All in the same sentence as each other?

“I’m glad, though. I’m glad that she’s fallen in love with a guy as good as Buck.” Steve says, enjoying this knowing that Bucky’s probably on the verge of having a heart attack in the kitchen behind him.

“Well… Maybe she’s just pretending.” Sam argues.

“Could be.”

“But… Man, the way she spoke about Bucky, there’s no way anyone is that good at pretending.” Sam explains.

“Well, what is it that she says?” Steve allows Sam to fish the bait.

“Well, she always tells me that she feels confused about it all. You, know, falling in love with someone she thought to hate this whole time.” Sam begins before his brilliant idea strikes him.

“She says she starts these letters, confessing everything, before tearing them up and starting over. She’ll spend hours on ‘em.” Sam tells him, and Steve struggles to hold back any kind of smile or show of amusement.

Fucking love letters? Is he on another planet or something? Alternate universe? Geeky… His Geeky… Well, not his Geeky, but, his Geeky! In love with him! He’d think this was all a prank of some kind if it were just Sam or Tony, but Steve’s too shit of a liar to pull this off. He puts down the fruit containers he was going to use to make a smoothie, appetite now gone as he concentrates on listening to their conversation.

“She says that she knows he’ll make fun of her for it. And she cries and cries and cries, because she’s done the one thing she always swore she’ll never do - fall in love with a man.” Sam finishes. There’s no way the fish didn’t take that bait.

“And Bucky doesn’t know anything?” Steve emphasizes.

“Not a thing. She refuses to tell him and says she never will.”

“Well, someone should.”

“And what would that do? Knowing that buzzkill, he would make fun of her for it. He’d turn it into a joke and she’d never live it down.”

“Even I’d give him a talkin’ to if he did that.”

“And you’d be right for doing so. I mean, Geeky’s a pretty amazing woman. She’s beautiful, she’s funny,” Sam lists.

“And there’s no doubt she’s virtuous,” Steve adds.

“And she’s incredibly smart,” Sam continues.

“Except for the fact that she likes Bucky.” Steve jokes.

“That’s what I’m saying! Shit, if it were me, I’d marry that girl in a heartbeat.”

“I think I might mention it to Bucky, see what he has to say.” Steve suggests.

“I think she’d die; I mean, she’ll die before he finds out, she’ll die if he doesn’t love her back, and she’ll die if he does and she has to hold back one of her usual insults when he goes to woo her.” Sam explains.

A pause from Steve, “Yeah, you’re right. I should just let it be. She’ll get it over it sooner or later.”

It relieves Bucky that Steve mentioned that last part. All of this is a bit overwhelming; he’s been thinking back on just about every conversation he’s ever had with her now. Were her insults just flirting in disguise? Was he ever too mean to her? Has he been hiding his own feelings underneath these insults because he’s scared? Is she scared too? His mind is going a mile a minute, and only speeds up when Steve adds,

“Or her heart will break. Whichever comes first.”

Great, you punk.

“By the way, I’ve meaning to bring you up to speed on this mission coming up in a month or so, want to go to the conference room to talk about it?” Steve changes the subject, allowing an exit for the two of them.

“We should get Miss Geeky to tell Bucky to meet us there, too.” Sam whispers.

“If he doesn’t at least think about her differently after all that, I’ll never trust our intuitions again.” Steve whispers quietly back to Sam as they walk out of the common area.

Bucky hears them leave but doesn’t make to move from his spot leaning against the kitchen counter.

He’s always been afraid of relationships and commitment in general; a lot has changed socially since the way he was brought up and was taught about love. A lot has changed for him in general, too. He wouldn’t know where to start when it comes to a new relationship. And he knows you’re in a similar predicament.

You’ve never spoken about it, perhaps only to Nat or Sharon, but you’ve had some pretty horrible boyfriends in the past, some that have left some pretty nasty scars on your heart causing you to be the way you are now. Snarky, closed off to men, and overall very quick to shut a guy down.

Nothing of what Steve and Sam said was a lie, either. You are beautiful, very beautiful, actually. He’s always known that; he’s known that since he’s met you. But he supposes it never got in the way of your constant arguing - he can think you're pretty and make fun of you at the same time. And you are nice, maybe not to him, but you’ve shown your loyalty to not only the Avengers, but to the people who have now become your family. He can confidently say that you would do anything for your family. And, as much, as he’d hate to admit it, you’re very smart. Probably the smartest person he’s ever come across, besides maybe Shuri or Banner.

You’re an expert in anything that has to do with technology and hacking, having created the new software used by not only the Avengers, but countless other government agencies. You’ve caught countless things from international terrorists to hidden HYDRA bases to missing people, and more. You’re damn good at your job along with being smart.

Well, being smart, except loving him, apparently.

Why did I ever hate her in the first place? I suppose I hated her because she hated me, but, why does she hate me? I haven’t done anything to her, at least not that I can think of.

As though he dreamed her up, she pops her head into the kitchen, “Against my will, I’ve been asked to tell you to meet Sam and Steve in Conference Room A.” You tell him.

“Oh - Okay, thanks, Probie, for, uh, taking the time to tell me.” Bucky tells her, changing up the insults for once.

“It didn’t take any more time for me telling you than you thanking me. If it was going to take a lot of time, I wouldn’t have said yes to Cap. And, you know my probationary period ended, like, almost two years ago. You can’t call me Probie anymore.” You explain to him.

“So, you took pleasure in delivering this message to me?” Bucky teases and ignores her correction, unable to hold back.

“Ha! Just about as much pleasure as eating garbage straight from the dumpster. If you don’t want to go to the meeting, it’s not my problem.” You tell him before leaving the room.

Bucky smiles to himself, going over the conversation in his head. ‘It didn’t take any more time for me telling you than you thanking me’ is pretty much the same as ‘Anything I do for you is as easy as saying thank you’, in my opinion. Now, if I didn’t think that was sweet, I’d have a heart of stone. How couldn’t I like her? I can’t believe it’s been in front of me this whole time!

Bucky feels a lot better than he did before, heart a lot lighter, too, and he finally makes his way towards the conference room.

...

“Okay! Okay! He told her! He told her!” Nat quickly walks back over to where Sharon is standing waiting for her in the middle of the Avengers garden outside.

Sharon told Nat to find a way to get you out here in order to trick you into eavesdropping. So, Nat got Sam to tell you to look for them out here and that it was extremely important. Important, it is, alright, we’re taking over Cupid’s job, here.

“Okay, remember, we’re only gonna be talking about Bucky, you handle the praise and compliments and I’ll handle the whole he’s in love with her stuff.” Sharon reminds her of the plan.

They hear distant footsteps and begin casually walking down the paved pathway of the garden, making it seem as though they’ve been engaging in conversation this whole time. The both of them can tell by the quick footsteps that are all your own that you’ve now entered the garden and are looking for them.

Sharon and Nat can tell that you are separated from them by a thick shrub, and you should be able to hear them clear enough without them knowing you’re there.

“So you’re sure that Bucky loves her this much?” Nat begins.

“Said so by Sam and my future husband.” Sharon confirms.

“And they told you to tell Geeky?”

“Yes, but I told them I’d hold off on it. I also told them that they should tell Bucky to hold off, too.”

“But, why? Shouldn’t Bucky get a chance to woo and charm Geeky just as any other guy?” Nat asks.

“Sure, he deserves the chance, but it’s just… her. She’s grown to love herself so much; she’s grown so protective of herself that her heart is stronger and tougher than I’ve ever seen. I’m not even sure she’s all that capable of love.” Sharon explains.

“I guess you’re right… It would be horrible if Bucky confesses his love for her and she teases him for it.”

“Her wit is also a lot sometimes, especially when it comes to men. They’re always too tall, too short, too talkative, too quiet. There’s always something wrong.”

“So,” Sharon continues, “I think it’s best to hold off on Bucky telling her anything and save him the pain of getting mocked at.”

“I still think you should tell her and see what she has to say about all of this.”

You stand on the opposite side of the tall shrub, concealed by the leaves and branches as you overhear this conversation. But, you’re not all too sure what you’re hearing. Bucky, love, and you, all in the same sentence? They have to be joking; this can’t be a real thing they’re talking about. Did Bucky put them up to this?

“I always wondered why they’d butt heads all the time. I mean, Barnes is a friend, but he’s handsome, he’s smart, he’s funny. And although he’s been through a lot, he has a big heart. And I think she’s in the same position. Two people who have a lot of love to give, but don’t know how to go about showing it all. So they board their hearts up instead.” Sharon thinks aloud.

Maybe they’re not joking. You have never heard Sharon talk about neither you or Bucky like this; perhaps they really don’t know you’re here and they’re telling the truth. What reason would they have to lie, anyway? Or help Bucky follow through with a dumb prank?

But if they’re not joking, that means that Bucky has feelings for you. Good feelings. Warm feelings. Feelings of love. And affection. For you. From him.

That’s weird to think about.

Why have you never gotten along with Bucky? They’re not wrong in the way they describe him; he’s kind, to everyone except you at least, and it doesn’t take a genius to see that he’s very handsome. You’ve alway admired Bucky as a person, like Sharon said, he’s been through hell and back and still strives to be a functioning human in a world he was never meant to live in. He cares so deeply about his friends and is always trying to see where he can improve himself as a man. Except for in the aspect of relationships, apparently.

“Anyway, I wanted your help in picking some colors for my nail polish for the wedding. I don’t see Geeky anywhere so we can just tell F.R.I.D.A.Y. to tell her to meet us in my room.” The two women follow the rest of the path out of the garden and back into the building.

You linger among the bushes and flowers for a few moments longer.

Maybe you've been harsh on Bucky in the past. Were you using insults and fights as a defense mechanism for your own fear of relationships? Has Bucky been good all along?

Guilt starts to rise in your chest, feeling more and more awful the longer you think about every single thing you’ve ever said to Bucky. You’re not even sure what started your rivalry in the first place, you always told yourself that you were mean to him because he was mean to you, but neither of you ever did anything wrong to each other in the first place. Was there ever a reason for ill feelings besides the lies you’ve been telling yourself?

[supraveng]

Moving On (1/?)

Summary: you have to confront your past....what could go wrong

Characters: former Bucky Barnes x reader, current ?? x reader, Tony Stark, Natasha Romanoff, Sam Wilson, Wanda Maximoff, Steve Rogers

A/N:  here is the angsty piece, it will have at least 2 more chapters; does not follow any MCU story line; flashback in italics; attempting an MCU/SPN crossover; let me know if you want to be tagged in the next chapters

@mythandmagik​

Pulling up to the compound you weren’t sure what you expected, but surprisingly you were a lot calmer than you had anticipated.  You hadn’t seen most of the team in the 4 years since you moved to the SHIELD office in DC and you were excited but so much had changed.  You took a deep breath and grabbed your bags before exiting the car and heading inside.    

Tony greeted you immediately with a huge hug, it always amazed you how calming his hugs would make you, you pulled away after a quick kiss to the cheek and followed him through the compound.  “Your accommodations are right this way” he told you with a smirk.  “Wow, billionaire, genius and bellhop?  I wasn’t expecting that” you giggled.  

“I expect a good tip” Tony remarked as you followed him to the elevator.  “How about I pay you with kisses from your favorite niece?” you asked as you pressed a kiss to your daughters head “once she wakes up that is”  “That is perfect payment!  She looks even bigger than when i last saw her” he mentioned gazing at her as you all headed out of the elevator.  

“Morgan has been asking all week when you were arriving, I think there is a tea party scheduled for this afternoon”   

“Well, that works for me, I’m honestly surprised she’s still sleeping.  What time is the briefing?” you asked as you headed into the apartment followed by Kevin, carrying your bags, and Tony.   

“About 10 minutess, I can push it back if you need to settle in but I thought you might want to rip the band aid off, so to speak” he smirked.   “No, Kevin will be here with her, I can freshen up quick and be on our way” you smiled as you settled your daughter in the crib Tony had waiting for you.  “GIve me 5 minutes, and I’ll be ready” you headed into the bathroom to wash up quickly.  

Chatting with Tony on the way to the conference room felt like you had never left, you loved working with him and missed seeing him on a daily basis, but you had actually grown much closer to him since you had moved away.   You took a deep breath before entering the room and looked around to all the Avengers eagerly awaiting Tony’s arrival and the start of the meeting.  

“Ok, we can start, Special Agent Y/L/N, will be running the show” Tony announced as he made his way to the head of the table.  You smiled looking around the room, your eyes landing on his before you walked in and got to work.  Clearing your throat you began handing out the briefing you created “this is my surveillance notes for Mr. Dick Roman over the last 4 years, he has various aliases depending on what country he is in, but no matter where he is, he leaves a mess in his path when he leaves”  

“Hold up, you are not coming in here and talking about so whack job, being all Ms Business without even a proper hello”  You chuckled “I’m sorry Wilson, I wanted to get through the briefing so that we can properly form a plan before getting into personal greetings, but if you need a hug Sammy, I am more than willing to oblige” you stated as you walked towards him.  

“Damn right I do” Sam responded while pulling you into a bone crushing hug “and it’s Special Agent now, huh?  Running up the ranks in DC, I see” he winked at you as he placed a kiss on your forehead.  “What can I say?  I guess they like me” you shrugged as you stepped back.  

“And who wouldn’t” Steve quipped as he pulled you into a hug “we all miss you” he whispered in your ear before kissing your cheek.  “Thanks Steve” you turned toward Bucky who was awkwardly standing behind you.  

“Got a hug for me, doll?” he asked almost as if he was afraid of you.  “Of course, Bucky” you hugged him and as soon as he touched you, all the months of incredible memories between the two of your flashed in your mind as if they were just yesterday.  

You took a deep breath before releasing him “you look good, Buck, I like the short hair” you smiled before being pulled into a triple hug with Wanda and Nat. Laughing immediately when they started tickling you.   “Ok, please stop” you squeal.  “And this is why I was wanting to get through the documents first” you shook your head and got back to work.  

It was only about an hour later when you all decided to break for lunch and head to the common area.  You heard crying as soon as the elevator doors opened and knew the inevitable had happened.  Rushing into the room you find Kevin trying to rock Joy in his arms, trying to calm her down.   Reaching over you rubbed her back, when she looked up and whimpered “mama!’  

“I’m sorry, she woke up a few minutes ago and was a bit disoriented, we tried reading a book and singing but she wasn’t having any of it” Kevin told you with a sympathetic smile.  “It’s ok, I figured the new space might be a bit confusing.  You’re ok, right, Joy?” you asked as she climbed in your lap and wrapped her arms around your neck.  Mumbling something in your neck you couldn’t understand, but you heard her sniffles and the attempt to regulate her breathing.  

“It’s ok, mama’s here now” you hummed in her hair as you rubbed her back.  Looking up you came across a variety of faces, some confused, some shocked and some in awe of the sweet moment.   “Sweetie, do you want to meet mommy’s friends?” you ask hoping the change in subject will help calm her down. She huffed a no in your neck and tightened her grip.   

“Oh, but uncle Tony is here and he said that Morgan wants to have a tea party, but you can’t do that clinging to my neck” you told her softly.  She pulled away to look at you “unca-to-ee an mogan uh heew” you hummed confirmation before she slowly turned around to the room full of people watching your interaction. She gasped when she saw Tony “unca-to-ee! An Nat!” she shouted before climbing down and running to her two favorite Avengers.  

“Thank you Kevin. You can enjoy the rest of your day in the city, I got it from here”  you patted his leg and rose from the couch to follow Joy over to the group.  “You’re sure? I don’t mind sticking around” he responded only for you to quirk an eyebrow at him “of course you’re sure, I’m out, call me if you need me” he responded shaking his head at the fact that he questioned you.  

“So, everyone, this is Joy, Joy sweetie, these are mommy’s friends” you told her “can you say hi?”  “Hi fwens” she shouted as she waved at everyone.  “I hungee, can i hav a nack?” she asked as she looked up at Nat.  “Of course you can!  Let’s see what we can find” she told her before sweeping her up in her arms and heading to the kitchen, Wanda and Tony following behind.  Bucky, Sam and Steven were still in a bit of shock.  

“You have a daughter” Steve stated  “She’s adorable, Y/N, she looks just like you” Sam told you with a wink before heading to the kitchen.  “Thanks, she is a handful, but completely worth it” you responded with a soft smile.  

“How old is she?” Bucky asks, almost frightened of the answer.  “She just turned two last month” you smile remembering the fun little party you threw for her.  “So she’s not…” he started to say but trailed off, with a look that you didn’t recognize, not sure if it was relief or disappointment.  

“No, Bucky, she isn’t yours, I would have told you if that was a possibility” you respond softly.  “Sure” he states before looking at his feet.  “Yes, if i was pregnant with your child, I would have told you” you were defensive now, that he would think otherwise.  “I can’t do this right now, I thought we could work together and be civil but I guess I was wrong” you state as you head towards the kitchen hearing him mumble something under his breath you stop in your tracks.  Turning toward him you walk over slowly, as if you were afraid to spook an animal ‘what did you say?  I couldn’t hear you”  He took a deep breath before looking at you “I said go, that’s what you’re good at” And just like that you were transported back to the day when everything in your relationship crashed 

“Doll, we need to talk?” he stated as he sat down next to you on the couch.  “Okay, what’s going on Bucky?”  “I really care about you Y/N, but I don’t think this is working, I think it’s best if we go back to being just friends” he tells you, barely looking you in the eye.  “Oh…. and why the change?  I thought things were good” you respond trying to keep yourself from crying .  “Nothing changed, it’s just not working” he responds again remaining vague and just expecting you to agree.  

“Is there someone else?” you whisper knowing that something had to have prompted him to dump you after dating for the last 6 months, the best 6 months of your life, but apparently not his.  “No, there’s no one else, I wouldn’t do that to you” he tells you reaching for your hand to comfort you but you pull away.  

“Come on Bucky, we’ve been friends for years, I’ve seen the women you’ve been with, I’m not stupid” you spat at him, knowing there was always a prettier woman on his arm the moment he got bored with what you used to refer to as his flavor of the month.  “There is no one else, Y/N, I promise you” he’s nearly pleading with  you to believe him.   You shake your head as you stand up, the tears rolling down your cheeks now, but you don’t care.  

“That’s actually worse, you’d rather be alone than with me” you chuckle humorlessly as you head toward the elevator, you had to get out of here before breaking down completely.  “Don’t touch me!” you screech as he lays his hand on your shoulder.  

“Doll, I’m sorry, but I still want to be friends, we’ve been friends for years, I still care about you”  he tries to console you but at this point you feel so rejected that you want nothing but to get away from him.  

“I don’t care what you want, you certainly don’t care about me” you yell just as Sam, Steve and Nat come in to see what the yelling is about.  “What’s going on?” Steven asked, looking concerned.  

"Nothing important, just your friend getting rid of his latest fling" you bitterly spit out as you glare at Bucky. "Have a nice life Barnes" then you are stepping into the elevator just as Natasha comes in before the doors close.  You start sobbing and she pulls you into a hug.

"What the hell man?" Sam asks as Bucky drops his head and leaves the room.

"You are the one that ended us, don't make me be the bad guy for taking a job out of town to try and get over you" you tell him barely above a whisper.  Bucky looks at you with regret "I messed up, but I find out from Nat that you aren't even in the state any more. I didn't get a chance to fix things, to fix us" he tells you reaching out for you.  

You just shake your head "Fix us? When were you planning on doing that?  Between which supermodel did you even remember my name?" you spat as his eyes widened.  "Not even a week after you were done with me did I have to see you with another one of your flings, so don’t stand there and pretend like you wanted to fix anything.  You got bored, like you always do, and you tossed me aside.”  

“That’s what you think?  I got bored and moved on?” he questioned looking hurt.  “What else am I supposed to think, Bucky?  You gave me no explanation, nothing.  You were just done with me.  So, yes, I took a job at the SHIELD office in DC so that i didn’t have to watch the man I loved parade around all the beautiful women who were just waiting in line for their turn” you tell him as you think back on making the decision to leave all of your friends and colleagues in NY.  

“Loved? As in past tense?”  he questioned.  

“Yes, honestly Bucky, we knew each other for so long that when we started dating, I thought you were it for me.  You knew all my baggage and dirty secrets and you still wanted to be with me, that had to mean something, right?  But it wasn’t meant to be”  you whisper and feel the tears pricking the back of your eyes.  

“We still could, we could start over, I owe you an explanation, but it’s not too late” he tells you, pleading for you to give him a second chance.  

To say you were shocked by his statement would be an understatement, you hadn’t spoken in 4 years and now he wants a second chance but before you can respond, Joy comes running back in the room. “Mama, com on, is yunch time!” she says as she grabs your hand and pulls you toward the kitchen.  

Lunch was more relaxing than you expected, especially after the short conversation you had with Bucky.  This isn’t what you expected today, not that you really knew what to expect but him asking for a second chance after all this time, really surprised you.  By the time lunch was over, Joy had more energy than normal, she was quickly acclimating to her new surroundings and loving all the extra attention.  

Walking over to Bucky after cleaning up your plate “Look, we should talk, but this mission takes priority.  When Roman is under lock and key, you and I can sit down and try to restore our friendship, but until then, we need to remain professional and leave our personal lives out of this.”  Bucky only nodded in return as he watched you pick up your daughter and head out of the room.  

PART 2

[codenamebooks]

10 Best Books of 2020

I’m super excited for this post because this has been my best reading year since early high school. That means that I got to read many books that I really liked so it was actually kind of hard solidifying the entire list. I had been updating it after every book I read but for this post I made a few tweaks.

Of course, as a fair warning, these are simply my opinions. If you hate these books, that’s perfectly fine with me but I personally loved them and gave them all 4 or 5 out of 5 stars.

1. A Court of Thorns and Roses series (#1-#3.5) by Sarah J. Maas

Although two books separated the series in my ranking, I thought it’d be unfair for 4 out of my top 10 to be from the same series. This series seriously blew me away. It was the first time that I had to buy the next book immediately so I could read it. I was hooked into the drama and fantasy world quicker than I have with any other fantasy I’ve read. I believe it was the first book that really pushed me toward fantasies for the rest of the year and I’m happy with that.

2. The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab

This is my favorite novel of the year but, as I said, the entirety of the ACOTAR series trumped it. Regardless, I’ve never been so drawn into a story and plot. I finally understood what reviewers meant when they claim that a story is “atmospheric”. The entire time I felt like I was experiencing every little thing with Addie because of how beautiful and lyrical Schwab’s descriptions are. I really, truly hope that, if/when I become more serious about my writing, that I will be able to write like this.

3. Isla and the Happily Ever After by Stephanie Perkins

This was my contemporary romance of the year! Oh my gosh did it make me so happy and giddy with excitement and laughter, even sadness. Out of all of the books in this trilogy, this was definitely the most mature and therefore my favorite. Nothing felt ridiculous or over done like in Lola and not immature like some themes in Anna. Josh easily moved towards the top of my list for fictional boyfriends because he was honestly so cute and real. The depth was amazing!

4. All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven

The book that made me sob at 2 a.m. This book holds a special place in my heart because it’s only the second novel to have made me cry so heavily. Finch and Violet were such brilliant characters and I loved their arcs individually and together so much. Even though for a few pages I could see it coming, my heart still broke into little pieces over the last however many pages after. Although it had it’s funny and heartwarming highs, I really felt the lows.

5. We Were Liars by E. Lockhart

The third book that has ever made me sob. This was a narrative structure that I’ve never seen before and I didn’t hate it’s mysterious plot twists and turns. Although I feel like there are some hints that I might have missed, I still fully grasped the weight of the book. It broke my heart in the third part because of how much I had grown to love our four liars. So much so that I started to dislike them due to their very consistent (yay!) personalities and habits leading me to be even more upset.

6. Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng

This was important and impactful. The way that Celeste Ng managed to encompass so many histories and storylines and futures was beautiful! It takes true talent to have so much control of so many characters and relationships. The way that she hands the question of morality to the reader, that the narrator doesn’t justify anything, just tells us the story and let’s us decide needs to happen more!

7. Carve the Mark duology by Veronica Roth

Once again, a series grouped together because they didn’t rank far apart. This duo was specifically boosted for me due to the second novel, which I found was also the case for many others on Goodreads. The experience of the growth in writing was brilliant! This was fun and adventurous and the world is so expansive. I really loved how the plot and pace in both books were handled. Nothing was ever rushed or ignored and no plot holes were left open. That’s all I ask for, especially out of such a short series.

8. The Darkest Minds by Alexandra Bracken

This was another dystopian fantasy read that I enjoyed because of how fun it was. I liked the way that Bracken handles writing younger characters in a traumatic setting. It felt more real than the 16 year olds in YAs from my middle school years who just knew everything immediately or fell in love in .2 seconds. Ruby grows and builds her strength and abilities throughout the entire novel so that she’s able to use them in the chaos at the end, and we’re proud to see that she’s taking control of her powers, not only in a life or death situation. The relationship between Liam and Ruby (and Chubs and Zu) is adorable and the slow build into friendship and the drive to protect each other and then to love (?!) is the sweetest thing.

9. City of Bones by Cassandra Clare

There were a lot of ridiculous things in this first book but it was entertaining. The world is so expansive and I believe that when Clare grasps it in the later books it’ll be even better. The pacing is what keep me afloat in this book because it was constantly moving towards something new. Although that allowed plot holes to open as we flew past subplots, I’m sure they’ll be addressed in due time. I mean, Clare and this series/world wouldn’t be popular if it didn’t get better, right?

10. Lola and the Boy Next Door by Stephanie Perkins

I didn’t include this with Isla and the Happily Ever After like I did with other series because it didn’t meet the level of love I had for Isla. It was fun but it was incredibly dramatic and unrealistic on some fronts that I couldn’t manage allow. But I laughed and I swooned exactly where I was supposed to. Even with it being ridiculous, the exaggerations were endearing because it felt like a world further away from mine than most contemporaries. People need to admit, extremes can add to the appeal more than it takes away.

[freckledoriya]

“my eyes adored you” (izuku midoriya x reader fic)

WARNINGS: slightly angsty at times, but happy ending! 

WORD COUNT: 1.7k

SUMMARY: You were best friend with Izuku Midoriya when you were little, but went your separate ways. What happens when your paths cross again, years later? 

LINKS: ao3 | masterlist | ask box

TAGLIST: at the end of the post, message me to be added/removed!

AUTHOR’S NOTE: this is kind of (really) trash, but hey, it’s been a while and I’m trying to get back into writing. take it easy on me. 

inspired by frankie valli’s “my eyes adored you” 

You’re standing at the register of your local coffee shop, working a hundred miles per hour during the morning rush. It’s a job that you’ve had for a while now. You tell yourself you’ll leave when you find what you’re really destined to do, but the day has yet to arrive. With no current ambition and no quirk, you’re seemingly left to take coffee orders for the rest of your days. 

Today starts to blend in with all the days before. You hear the bell of the shop door sound, and sigh before preparing your best “how can I help you?” face. And that’s when you see him. Izuku Midoriya standing in front of you.

You and Izuku Midoriya have known each other for longer than you could remember. The two of you grew up together, learning how to read side by side while thumbing through hero magazines. As a pair, you two were inseparable.

“Let’s play ‘heroes!’” five-year-old Izuku chirped with a bright smile, running up to you. He sticks his hand out for you to take. “I’ll be All Might!” 

You can’t help but smile back, giggling at your best friend’s unmatched enthusiasm. “You’re always All Might,” you tease, taking his hand in yours. 

You don’t know it then, as a naive toddler, but that feeling of pure happiness that rushes through your veins when you interlock hands with Izuku, is love in its beginning form. A love that will grow so strong, it will dominate your life and never let you free of its hold. It’s the kind of love that will keep you up at night, always wondering if tomorrow will be the day when you finally get over it, knowing damn well that tomorrow will arrive and your feelings will have only grown stronger. But right now, you’re five years old, and liking a boy is icky. 

You stick with him through everything. Through him finding out he doesn’t have a quirk, to the endless bullying he endures throughout elementary and middle school because of that. You spend nights camped out in your parents’ backyard, staying up late past your bedtime to talk about each other's feelings. Comforting him through tears, you wrap your arm around him. 

“I don’t have a quirk either,” you say. “And you still think I’m pretty great, right?”

He sniffles and nods, looking up at you and giving you a slight smile. 

You're not sure why at the time, but his smile makes your heart flutter. 

It’s not till you’re in middle school, walking home along the river as Izuku carries your books for you, that it dawns on you that you want nothing more than him to be your first everything- your first date, your first kiss, your first boyfriend. That’s when he becomes your first crush. Little did you know, that crush would seemingly endure the test of time. 

Time isn’t the only thing that tests the magnitude of your crush. After middle school, something changes. Izuku somehow gets a quirk and enters into the hero program at the prestigious U.A. high school. You could tell that he didn’t mean to leave you behind. The two of you would text every so often, vowing to meet up soon. But things never seemed to work out. He was always busy training or hanging with his newer, cooler friends. By the time of high school graduation, you two barely talked anymore. And then one year, he forgot your birthday. And then the next, and then the next.

You watched him from afar, climbing up the mountain to becoming the number one hero that he is today. Working his fingers to the bone to get himself a name, you saw the hell he went through to achieve his dream. And you admired him for it.

Some days, you’d find yourself daydreaming the day away, wishing you still were a part of Izuku’s life, but knowing full well that things could never be. He’s a top hero with fangirls, and you work the counter at a coffee shop. That humbling thought brought you back to reality.

“Can I have a coffee, please?” 

You assume that’s what Izuku says, but honestly, you’re too lost in your own thoughts and in his gorgeous, green eyes to comprehend that he’s speaking. He smiles a little bit, making your heart flutter in a way that it hasn’t in a long time. 

“M-Midoriya,” you whisper, his name falling out of your lips. 

He looks at you and slightly cocks his head to the side. Then, suddenly, you see it hit him.

“Y/N?” he asks, his eyes growing wider and wider. 

You can’t help but smile at the way he says your name. After all these years, he still says it like he’s talking to his best friend. 

“Oh my god, Y/N!” he almost yells. “I can’t believe it’s you!”

“It’s me!” you giggle. “I’ve missed you so much.”

That last part was meant to stay in your mind, but slipped out. Thankfully, Izuku is too distracted by processing that you’re in front of him to really think about it. 

“Ahem,” the person in line behind Izuku clears their throat. “I hate to ruin this moment, but some of us are in a rush to get our coffee.”

The two of you blush and mutter apologies. But then you start to panic. No, this can’t be goodbye again. You can’t let him slip out of your life again. Do something. 

“I’ll be on break in 15 minutes, if you wanna go hang out and catch up?” you say, your voice cracking at the end from nerves. 

“I’m actually on parole soon, so I can’t right now. But I’ll be done with work later tonight... We should have dinner!” 

You breathe a sigh of relief. “Sounds like a plan. Meet me here at 6?”

“Yeah!”

A beat passes of awkward silence as the two of you look at each other. 

“Um…Y/N?” he asks, his eyes looking into yours. 

“Yes?” you whisper, seemingly under his spell again. 

“...Can I get that coffee?” 

That snaps you out of it. “Yes! Of course! Coming right up!” 

The day passes painfully slow at work as you wait for 6 o'clock to roll around. The day is full of you playing back memories of you and Midoriya as children-- laughing, crying, being there for each other no matter what. It felt so good to see him earlier, like a piece of your life had been missing and you didn’t feel complete until he was standing in front of you.

You sit outside the coffee shop, waiting for him to arrive. 

… But he never does. 

It’s not till 8 that it starts to hit you that you’re being stood up. You practically feel your heart start to break. 

Because, who didn’t see this coming? Izuku Midoriya has better things to do than to hang out with you. You’re stupid for thinking otherwise. Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

He’s a superstar hero, and you’re nothing compared to him. Dust. Insignificant dust. Look at him, saving the world by taking out one villain at a time. And look at you, stuck in a dead-end job with no ambitions or dreams. Crushing on a man that removed you from his life for a reason.

You feel the tears well up behind your eyes. 

How pathetic. Look at you, sitting on a bench under a streetlamp, crying. You’re an adult, hopelessly in love with someone who forgets that you even exist. Why can’t you move on? You’re crazy, that’s why. You’re insane for even entertaining the idea that someday, somehow, Izuku will come to you with his arms open. 

You can’t stop the stream of tears coming from your eyes as you break down and cry. Softly sobbing, you put your face in your hands, wanting to hide from the world forever. Then, you hear it. Someone saying your name. No, not someone. You’d know that voice anywhere. 

You look up and see Izuku kneeling beside you, eyes wide and concerned.

Immediately, you see why he was late, and you feel stupid for not thinking of it sooner.

He is beside you in his hero costume, sweaty and bleeding in various places all over his body, obviously just coming back from an intense battle that went longer than expected.

“A-are you okay?” you ask immediately, wiping your tears away with your hands. 

Izuku furrows his eyebrows. “Me? Yeah, I’m okay. It’s just some cuts and bruises… Are you okay?”

“I-” you begin to speak, your brain telling you to say ‘I’m fine!’ and make up a story about why you were sobbing on a bench by yourself. 

But you can’t. Your heart won’t let you.

“I’m so scared to lose you again,” you confess, the tears coming back to your eyes. 

Izuku's face softens. “Lose me? What do you mean? You never lost me, Y/N.” 

You sniffle and shake your head. “You went on to do such incredible and amazing things. And I’m so proud of you. But I just wish I could be part of your life again.” 

He gently places his hands over your shaking hands, his touch feels impossibly electrifying and soothing at the same time.  

“I am so sorry,” he says. His eyes drift to the side and he gulps. “I… I was scared of how I felt about you.”

“How’d you feel about me?” you ask.. 

You can see a slight blush form on Izuku’s cheeks. “Like… I really liked you.” 

He looks up at you for a response, but you’re frozen in place, your brain working overtime to figure out what he’s saying. 

He must take you silence as something negative, because he begins muttering.

“I know, it’s stupid, it’s like we were best friends and you were so great and I was so not great but our relationship was so wonderful and you made me so happy like I never would have been able to get through middle school without you and I just adored you and-”

“And now?” you interrupt. 

He stops and looks at you, eyes searching yours for answers that you’ve kept hidden and locked away for years. 

“And now… I… I… I just want to be near you.” 

You don’t think. You just hug. 

You pull Izuku into you, wrapping your arms around his neck, breathing in the scent of him and reminding yourself that this isn’t a dream. It takes a second for him to unfreeze and hug you back, but when he does, you could swear that you’re flying. 

(TOLD YOU IT WAS TRASH IM SO SORRY PLS DON’T HATE ME)

TAG LIST: @prismaroyal @wesparklebitch @bnha-violetnote @sunflower-kami-boi @shoutosteakettle @strwbrry-lia​ @birds-have-teeth​ @ee-blue @shoutodoki @denise-the-death-goddess​ @sadistiks @knifeewifee @viceofaladriel @saltie @khemz1312 @frenchspeakingfilipina @tessaisalbright @katsumi-kaminari @pixxiesdust @izukuwus @knaite-solo @inochaos​ @kiripimarules @dnarez

[shoutogepi]

top 10 posts of 2020

thanks to @katsushimaa and @todosweetheart for the tag! 💗

~~ generated using this site ~~

1. Taking Care Of Their Drunk S/O After A Girls’ Night Out ft. Bakugou and Kirishima: these hcs... man, i usually suck at writing hcs, but these ones?? idk HOW i even did these, bc i’ll reread them even to this day and feel so soft. i know yall are bakuhoes but kiris was my absolute favvvv. ugh, we just stan incredible, loving boyfriends. 

2. Shinsou Says ft. Shinsou: ummmmmmmmm im so surprised this is the top fic?? i mean, not to toot my own horn or anything but this fic did indeed smack. i’ve reread it a lot and at the end im always like... damn me. gj buddy. LOL KIDDING okay but seriously im actually really happy this is my top fic bc i was really proud of how this one came out and honestly, toshi needs more love <3 

3. Red Roses ft. Kirishima: this fic. o man. this was my first (and only, so far 👀) size kink fic and it was also my first attempt at dubcon!! well, if u could even call it that. but anyway, this one was so fun to write. i loveeeeee a big beefy kiri who has a dark side, and ugh the tats and the ponytail?? legs = spread.

4. Jealousy Has Its Perks ft. Todoroki: prob the most self-indulgent fic i have ever written. jealous, dom sho?? pffft hello there sir. and then i had to put in a lil sweetness in the confession at the end cuz yanno... those post-orgasmic feels are too strong. and also i love him. perhaps too much. 

5. my masterlist: LOL IDK WHAT TO SAY ABT THIS?? thanks to all y’all for bookmarking my fic library?? lmao

6. Spring Pollen ft. Hawks: ugh this one... idk man, hawks stans must just be really hungry bc honestly i hate this fic and think it’s so mf badddd

7. “Fuck You!””I Just Might.” (FYIJM) ft. Bakugou: omg this one. one of my first posts i think? still working on the third and final part now, hopefully it will be complete soon <3 it’s really long so it’s taking me a while to finish, sorry for the delay~

8. You Want Me To Call You Baby Girl? ft. Todoroki: my very fist fic for bnha. just pure filth, self-indulging my daddy kink and honestly i hated this fic for a longggg time but recently have come to terms with it being... dare i say it.... alright. LOL

9. Heart of the Storm ft. Todoroki: this one.... this one is probably the most favorite fic of mine that i have ever written. i just... todo was such a gentleman and then so hot. i... i have @lildreamer93 to thank for helping me make this masterpiece, we talked about it endlessly for weeks heheh. it was really fun to write the scene-setting as well, with all the ice and snow... mmm... keep me warm, sho~~

10. Pull Of The Moon ft. Kirishima: so this fic is actually a fic that i had on my old GOT7 blog!! i reread it and was like... damn, i made the main kinda sound like kiri here.... so i took the ball and ran with it, just replaced the names. i have a shameful past with werewolf fics (cough cough wattpad) and this one was another self-indulgent one that i really enjoyed writing!!

thanks to all my readers and friends for supporting me this year. i can’t believe how much this blog has grown and how many great friendships i have because of it. i love you all so much!!! hope this next year treats us all well, here’s to the happiness and friendships that are to come/grow in 2021!

tagging (pls ignore if you’ve already been tagged): @todoscript @todorokiakina1​ @queensynderella​ @kingtamakimurder​ @whats-her-quirk​ @hoe-doroki​ @gallickingun​ @bnha-free-writing​ @fanfic-me-up​ @liltodo​ @wakaoujisenhime​

[snowdice]

Big Bang (Sort of) Editing Story [Day 60]

I started writing this fic while editing my Big Bang story, but am going to continue doing it for other things now that Kill Dear is out. I will write and publish 100 words of the story every time I finish doing whatever task I’m doing. If you’d like to block these proceedings, please feel free to block the tag proofread stories. I will reblog this post with the parts of the story I do today. Edited chapters are linked; everything else I’ve done so far is under the cut.

My Master Post Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27

Okay. Not sure how long I’ll go today, but let’s work on this for a bit. Just gotta finish this side quest and then we can get back to the plot. ;)

Chapter 28

Thomas did not have to be told that something had gotten Helen Heart in a tizzy. He could tell just by the amount of food she had sent up on his dinner tray. She always made and pushed more food when she was stressed, and he couldn’t help but chuckle when he found both a hearty serving of roast beef and a mini chicken pot pie on his plate along with three vegetable side dishes and a side of macaroni and cheese.

He could also guess what had happened to illicit such a response. Thomas had caught up to Jeffers Deknis in his garden and they’d spoken at length about Logan and Patton’s new friend.

There was no way that after said discussion, Jeff had not mentioned Virgil (and more importantly his friendship with Patton) to Helen during their daily gossip sessions. There was also no way that Helen had heard the words “child” and “too small” in a sentence and hadn’t flipped. From there the inevitable sequence of events was clear: Patton went home, Helen talked his ear off until he agreed to bring Virgil to meet her, Helen met him and immediately committed herself to making sure he ate three square meals a day as well as multiple snacks.

Thomas had sussed all of that out before the kitchen worker bringing him his dinner had mentioned what had happened that day.

 That in mind, he decided to wait until after dinner should have been cleaned up before walking his own dinner leftovers down to the kitchens.

Thomas was unsurprised to see Jeff already in the kitchen. He was sat at a small table off to the side where kitchen workers usually took their breaks. The only person other than Jeff and Helen left in the kitchen was a dishwasher who was finishing up. Helen usually spent a couple of hours after dinner in her kitchen or her office organizing for the next day and in case anyone needed food on an off hour, and then there was a night cook who would take over so she could go back to her set of rooms.

 Helen took the tray of leftovers from Thomas herself and shooed the dishwasher out of the way. “I’ll handle the rest myself,” she told the girl. “You can leave.”

She nodded and started to take her apron off. Helen dumped the tray on the counter without care and turned back around to usher Thomas into one of the kitchen chairs. Thomas went willingly and she turned to fill the tea kettle with water and set it on the stove.

“It take it she met Virgil,” Thomas said to Jeff.

“She’s adopted Virgil,” Jeff replied, taking a bite out of a cookie.

 “And what of it?” she asked. “Someone obviously needs to feed the boy. Speaking of, you’re grounding your son by the way.”

Thomas took one of the cookies for himself. “Why am I grounding Logan?” he asked.

“He was worried enough about his health to make him a nutrition potion, but still did not bring him to me,” she harrumphed.

“I see,” Thomas replied.

“In Logan’s defense,” Jeff interrupted. “the boy seems rather timid. He may have worried about you scaring him off.”

Helen slapped him with a dishtowel.

“Actually,” Jeff continued. “From what I’ve gathered he didn’t have contact with anyone since the time I saw him a couple of weeks ago until now.”

 “Any adults,” Thomas corrected with a frown. “I’m pretty sure he, Patton, and Logan must have been around each other considering how close they already seem to be.” He paused, “Logan implied he wasn’t particularly… comfortable around adults.”

“I did get that impression, yes,” Helen said, pouring the hot water from the kettle into a tea pot and carrying it and some cups over to the table.

“He was incredibly jumpy,” Jeff confirmed. “I imagine he does not have good experiences with many people, but he seems to have grown attached to Logan and Patton. He defers to them in most things and seemed a bit protective.

 “Where did he come from?” Thomas asked.

“I’m not sure,” Jeff said. “I found him hiding in the garden shed a couple of weeks ago.”

“Did he sneak in?” Thomas asked.

“That’s what I would have thought,” Jeff replied, “but when I asked, he said he wasn’t trying to steal anything and that he was supposed to be in the castle. So, I’d assumed that meant he was the child of someone living in the caste.”

“But neither of us could find anyone who knew him,” Helen said. “Of course, we didn’t even know his name until now.” She seemed to decide the tea leaves had sat long enough because she started to pour them each a cup of tea.

Thomas took a sip. “Earl Grey,” he commented. “I guess I’m not sleeping much tonight.” It was her ‘planning tea.’

 “We need a plan,” she said, “but we’re going to have to be gentle.”

“At least with Virgil,” Jeff said.

Thomas laughed lightly, “and what do you plan to do with the other two?”

“I have my ways.”

Helen rolled her eyes. “You say that,” she said, “but you’re too soft. The two of them learned to run circles around you and your powers years ago.”

“We should talk to them though,” Thomas said. “Separately from Virgil.”

“We should,” Helen agreed. “I already spoke to Patton a bit yesterday, but I will again. We should see if we can ask around and find out why he’s in the castle. We don’t even know how long he’s lived here. Or who brought him here.” The look on her face told Thomas she wanted to have a talk with his guardians whoever and wherever they were.

 Helen took a drink of tea, it seemed to calm herself. “We need to make sure whatever has been happening to him is not happening in these walls,” she said.

Thomas had honestly… not thought about that. He’d assumed whatever made Virgil so skittish was in the past, but it was possible that it was ongoing. The thought made him sick.

“Perhaps you should try to talk to him, Thomas,” Helen suggested.

Thomas winced. “I am not sure that is a good idea...”

“Why not?”

“We don’t have the best track record… I don’t think me being around him would be a good idea.”

 “Oh, please, Thomas,” Helen said disbelievingly.

“No, you don’t understand,” Thomas said. “He seems disproportionately afraid of me. I think it’s a mix of me being king and how we met.”

“How did you meet?” Helen asked.

“I… gave him a bit of a fright,” Thomas admitted. “Logan and Patton weren’t in the room and I didn’t know who he was. He… ended up under the bed. Then… the second time I saw him he accidently ran into me. He freaked out again.” The memory still made Thomas feel gross. It also made him think there was a lot more to his backstory than the three of them understood.

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“Perhaps Jeff can try to talk to him then,” Helen said. “It sounds like he was calmest around you. I’ll push Patton towards taking him to the garden more often. I bet fresh air would do him some good anyway.”

Jeff nodded. “I will try to talk to him a bit more.”

“Great,” Helen said, but Thomas already knew the conversation wasn’t over. “Now we need to talk about strategic events to throw over the next few months that Patton and Logan to invite Virgil to. We’ll start slow, but we need to make sure he feels welcome in the castle.”

Thomas met Jeff’s eyes. Yeah, it was going to be a long night.

  Chapter 29

Virgil finished eating the breakfast Patton’s mom had sent for him. It had been going on a week since she’d made the menu for him. She sent up little cards with each meal and he was supposed to rate each thing she sent on a scale from 1-5. Logan would read it to him before he ate, and Virgil mark the little box on the card. Usually, he would put a 4 for everything (he had tried to do 5, but Logan had told him 5 was reserved for things like chicken alfredo). Three was for things that he was neutral on, 2 was for things he didn’t like but could tolerate, and 1 was for things he didn’t like. So far, the only 3 was the unseasoned porridge she’d sent one day.

 “Finished?” Logan asked.

“Yeah,” Virgil said.

“What would you like to do today?” Logan asked. “Patton is busy until after lunch, and then we thought you might like to go back to the garden again. It’s supposed to drop in temperature over the next few days, so it will be the last good day for it.”

“Sounds good,” Virgil said. “I don’t care what we do today though.”

“Well, there are a few options,” Logan said.

“What do you want to do?” Virgil asked.

Logan made an expression, and Virgil titled his head. “I’m don’t have anything in particular I want to do,” he said.

“You’re lying,” Virgil said immediately.

 “You would not be interested in the activity I wish to partake in,” Logan said.

Virgil squinted at him. “I’d be interested in laying on the ground and staring at the ceiling.”

Logan chuckled. “No, truly. The activity I would do if you were not present would involve reading.”

“You can read to me,” Virgil suggested.

“…In Sanskrit.”

Virgil frowned at him. “Isn’t that, like, some sort of dead language?”

“It is,” Logan said. “I taught myself to read it to read a specific book called the Pragilium Text. It’s an encoded book that leads to a magical location that I have been trying to decode for years.”

 “That’s fine,” Virgil said. “You can do that.”

“It would be in the library,” Logan said.

“Okay.”

“But…” Logan said. “It would in no way be interesting to you.”

Virgil shrugged. “Like I said. I’m content to lie on the floor for a few hours.”

Logan frowned. “I can’t make you do that.”

“You wouldn’t be making me,” Virgil said. “I want to go. Maybe you can find me an easy book I could try to read?”

“Are you certain?” he asked.

Virgil nodded, decisively.

“Very well, get dressed and I will show you the library.”

Virgil stood to do so and a few minutes later, Logan was leading him out of the royal wing.

 Both of the guards greeted him kindly, and Virgil hunched his shoulders in a bit, but said a soft “hi.”

The library didn’t end up being too far away. It was through the small dining hall and to the left where the staircase to the kitchen was to the right.

“This is not the main library,” Logan said. “It is just a smaller one. The royal librarian comes here only about once a week to organize. Some other castle residents might come in too, but it is usually mostly empty.” Virgil could tell just by listening for a few seconds that the place was likely empty (unless someone was lying in wait).

 “I’ll look and see if there is something simple for you in case you’d like to read. You can explore a bit if you’d like,” Logan said.

Virgil nodded and stalked off into the shelves to secure the area. There were many books, not that he could quite read any of the spines. The bookcases were mostly cramped into the space. There was the open area where they’d come in with a few comfy chairs and Virgil found a desk near one of the windows. It had stacks of books including one pretty large and old one. He looked at it curiously.

 Virgil heard Logan’s footsteps approach from down an aisle. “That’s the Pragilium text,” he said.

“It’s pretty,” Virgil said, looking at the design etched into the cover.

“Yes,” Logan agreed. He reached forward to touch it and opened it carefully. The print was small and didn’t look like the letters Logan had taught him so far. There was a small map on the side that Virgil could at least guess at the meaning of.

“You can read that?” Virgil asked.

“I can,” Logan said. “Very few people can though.”

“Wow, you’re really smart.”

“Thank you,” Logan said with a smile.

 “Now,” Logan continued. “I found you a book. I apologize as its subject matter is for younger children, but it has many pictures that can help give you context when you don’t know something. You don’t have to read it if you do not wish to, especially as we haven’t gotten very far in our lessons, but I thought you might like the challenge.

He handed him the book and Virgil took it with a smile. “I’ll try to read it,” he said.

“Well, you have free reign of the library. Feel free to continue to explore and to interrupt me if you need to.”

 Virgil nodded and took the book before deciding to finish his sweep of the library. It turned out that appearances were not deceiving, and the library truly was empty. Once he was certain about that, he looked around for a comfortable place to settle down and try to read the book Logan had handed him. He found a sturdy looking bookshelf near where Logan was reading at his desk. He scaled it quickly. It was a little bit dusty at the top, but it wasn’t a bad place. It was close to the ceiling and kept him hidden pretty well, but still gave him enough room to pop up onto his elbows. If he looked left, he could see Logan down bellow with his head in the book, but if he looked right, he could see the entrance to the library.

 He pulled the book in front of him and looked at the cover. It was covered in drawings of different colored flowers. One simple white flower was in the center and there were three words on the cover. He squinted at it and silently tried to sound it out based on what Logan had taught him so far. He could guess that the larger word was ‘flowers’ based on context. So, he was pretty sure it read How Flowers Grow.

He flipped open the book. Logan was right, there were many hand drawn beautiful pictures. He could pretty much understand what was happening just from them even if he couldn’t read all of the words.

 It was an interesting book even if he couldn’t read it and it was obviously made for small children. Judging by the pictures it seemed to be detailing how plants, or at least, flowers grew through some kid planting and caring for a flower over the course of some amount of time.

Virgil had, of course, known flowers grew from seeds, but it was interesting to see things about how the stem would pop out of the seed in the ground and things about the roots growing.

He more looked through the pictures than read it the first time but had flipped back to the front to try to read the words when he heard the library door open.

 Virgil perked up in awareness, but then settled when he recognized Patton’s footsteps. Virgil tilted his head to watch as he walk directly to Logan’s hideaway.

“Hi,” he said, gaining Logan’s attention.

“Hello, Patton,” Logan replied. He glanced at the window and must have seen that time had passed because he closed his book and shuffled his papers.

“The guards said you came here,” Patton said, glancing around. “Where’s Virgil?”

Instead of letting Logan answer that question, Virgil pulled himself forward, with the book in one hand and slid off the bookshelf to land lightly on his feet next to Patton.

Patton screamed before slapping a hand over his mouth.

 Logan had placed his hand over his heart. “Where on Earth did you come from?” he asked.

Virgil blinked at him and then pointed to the bookshelf he’d been on top of.

“How long were you up there?” Logan asked.

“Pretty much the whole time,” Virgil answered.

“I…” Logan said. “I didn’t even know.”

Virgil squinted at him. “You need to learn to look up.”

Patton giggled.

Virgil turned on him. “You need to learn to case the area.”

“Oh honey, your shirt is all covered in dust,” Patton said instead of responding to his very valid criticism. Virgil frowned. “Let’s get you changed and then go grab some lunch.”

“Lunch?” Virgil asked.

Patton chuckled and grabbed his hand. “Yes, sweetie, lunch. Then garden.”

“Fine,” Virgil said. “But you do need to learn to be more observant.

“Yes, yes, whatever you say,” Patton said.

Logan just rolled his eyes.

  Chapter 30

After lunch, Patton and Logan took Virgil out into the garden to walk around. They let Virgil lead them around wherever he wanted to in the garden. A bunch more flowers had died since the last time they’d been out here, and Patton felt sad despite having never felt very sad about that sort of thing before. But, Virgil seemed to really like the flower he’d found last time, so Patton thought he was probably sad on the boy’s behalf.

Of course, Patton thought, perking up, eventually it would be spring, and Virgil could get to not only see flowers but see all of the flowers grow. Patton couldn’t wait to see him amongst the garden then.

 Virgil took them wandering through the orchard for a while, but most of the trees had been stripped of their fruits. They ended up in the food garden after a bit, and Virgil finally seemed to decide on the direction instead of just ambling about.

A few seconds after Patton noticed Virgil seemingly decide on a destination, Patton noticed Mr. Deknis kneeling on the ground a few feet away. Had… had Virgil been looking for him? Patton wondered. That was adorable.

Mr. Deknis looked up as they approached and smiled at them.

“Hello, Mr. Deknis,” Patton said as they came closer.

 “Hello you three,” Mr. Deknis said. “Getting into trouble?”

“No,” Virgil said, shaking his head.

Mr. Deknis gave him a flash of a smile. “I know, I’m joking,” he said. “Especially since there isn’t much left in my gardens for certain princes to destroy with experiments.”

“Oh, okay,” Virgil said. He tilted his head. “What are you doing?”

“I’m getting the last of the acorn squash out,” Mr. Deknis replied. “It’s the last crop to get finished. Good thing too, it’s supposed to start snowing soon.”

Virgil looked down curiously at the dark green squash.

“Would you like to help me pick a couple?” Mr. Deknis asked.

 “Sure,” Virgil said, sounding interested. Mr. Deknis patted the ground beside him and Virgil knelt down to watch him.

“They’re not too difficult to harvest,” he said. “You just cut the fruit off the stem. You want to leave about a hand’s width of the stem left over which will help preserve moisture. The earlier harvests, I left in the field to cure in the sun for a couple weeks, but the frost’ll ruin them so we’ll take them inside the green house and let them sit in the sun for a bit there. We also want to keep the leaves. You’ll probably be eating those for dinner tonight since they have to be cooked up within about 24 hours after they’re picked. Patton’s mom makes a good side dish with them and she’ll be making some curry tomorrow, probably. Maybe some stew if there are some leftover.”

 “Put the squash in this wheelbarrow and the leaves into this pile, okay?” Virgil nodded and Mr. Deknis handed him the extra pair of gloves and shears he carried with him in case one set broke. “These might be a bit big on your, but they should work for now.”

Mr. Deknis looked up at Patton and Logan. “Would the two of you like to help?” he asked. “I can get some more equipment.”

“I can help out if you want, but you don’t need to stop and get more equipment just for me,” Patton said.

“The same for me,” Logan said.

“Well, if you’d like to help still, you can sort the leave. Give your mother a head start.”

 “Sure,” Patton said. He and Logan went to do that while Mr. Deknis and Virgil worked on cutting the squashes from the vine.

“What do you do during the winter?” Virgil asked curiously. “If this is your last crop.”

“Well, at the beginning, I mostly will be working on making sure things are stored correctly along with some of the kitchen staff. There’s some drying to do and some canning. After that’s done, I’ll spend some time organizing and planning. Then, before the spring comes, I’ll start preparing seedlings in the green house.”

“Seedlings?” he asked.

“I let seeds start to grow in the greenhouse that I replant once it gets warm enough.”

 “Why don’t you just plant them where they’re going?”

“I do for some,” he said, “but giving some a head start is good for them.”

Patton watched as Virgil continued to ask questions about gardening while working on harvesting the squash. Mr. Deknis continued to answer them in a calm, soft tone that Patton didn’t think he’d ever heard from the often gruff man before.

Patton wasn’t surprised when, after finishing getting most of the squash off of the vine, Mr. Deknis asked if Virgil wanted to help him with canning some pears in a couple of days. Virgil immediately looked over at Logan and Patton as though asking permission.

“Say yes if you want to Virgil,” Logan said.

 “Yes,” Virgil said as soon as he was given permission. Mr. Deknis smiled at him softly and started loading the last of the squash into the wheelbarrow. Patton offered to run the squash leaves to the kitchen while Logan and Virgil helped Mr. Deknis take the actual squash to the green house.

He dropped the leaves off to a kitchen worker since Mama was busy and headed back out to the garden. By the time he returned, Logan was already back from the green house and sitting by one of the more decorative trees near the castle.

“He’s exploring,” Logan said, nodding at the large patch of bushes.

 Patton chuckled. “I see.” He sat next to Logan. Every so often he’d hear the bushes rustle, but he couldn’t tell if it was actually Virgil or an animal.

“He’s adorable,” Patton commented, keeping an ear out.

Logan hummed.

“I’m glad we kept him.”

“He isn’t a pet, Patton.”

Patton rolled his eyes. “I know, but I’m still glad. I’m glad he’s making friends with Mr. Deknis. Once he knows how to read better, we should get him a book about gardening. He seems interested.”

Logan nodded. “Having a hobby would be good for him. Clearly he has a fascination with the garden.” He nodded to the blur of dark hair that could be seen through the bushes. It seemed Virgil had stopped his exploration and was now laying down in the bushes a few feet away.

 “I’m going to go see what he’s doing,” Patton said. “I’ll be right back.”

Logan nodded and Patton got to his feet. The bushes were part of a small maze that was filled with flowers during the spring and summer months but were mostly just green and brown bushes for now. Despite the fact that Patton had been able to see him only a few feet away, it took him a while to wind through the path to where he was. When he finally turned the last corner and he came into view, Patton gasped softly.

“Ghost kitty!” he said, making sure to make his voice as quiet as possible.

 Despite how soft he made his voice, two pairs of eyes shot over to him. The completely black kitten was perched on Virgil’s lap like she belonged there. Ghost Kitty hissed slightly, but Virgil reached forward to pet her head gently.

“This is Ghost Kitty?” Virgil asked. “I thought you said she was hard to pet.”

“She is,” Patton said. He lowered himself onto the ground from a few feet away from them. “How did you get her to come to you?”

Virgil glanced down at the cat and shrugged, scratching one of her ears. “She just came over to me and let me pet her.”

 “Wow,” Patton said softly. He looked at the cat. “Could I pet you sweetie?” he asked, holding out a hand in her direction. She hissed again.

Virgil frowned down at her. “It’s Patton,” he said as though he expected to understand his words and the exasperation in the tone he said them in.

He pet the cat’s head to soothe her and then reached over to grab Patton’s hand. He pulled and Patton carefully leaned a bit closer until his hand was within sniffing distance. Ghost Kitty sniffed his fingers contemplatively and then bumped her head against it. He barely restrained a squeal, knowing that probably wouldn’t be taken well.

 He carefully turned his hand over so he could stroke the top of her head. He gently scratched her ear, not daring to go for under her chin yet since she didn’t know him well. “Hi,” he said softly. After a moment, she started to purr softly. Virgil reached over and scratched under her chin and she purred louder. “Oh, you’re a good girl,” Patton breathed, letting a hand trail gently down her back once and then again. Patton settled himself carefully into a seating position continuing to pet her. After a few more moments of soft petting, she hesitantly stepped her front paws onto Patton’s thigh so she was sitting in both of their laps. Patton laughed softly. “Hi sweetie.” He glanced over at Virgil who had a wide smile on his face as he pet the cat. This. This was adorable. They continued to pet the cat for a very long time.

  Chapter 31

Logan waited for a while after Patton left to check on Virgil, but the two never resurfaced. It was odd, Patton would usually remember to come back and get Logan or at least tell them where they were. With a sigh, Logan climbed to his feet to go find them. It took him a while to weave his way through the maze of bushes to them especially because they were suspiciously quiet (Well, suspicious for Patton. Virgil was often unnervingly quiet when alone.) Luckily, he knew the bushes enough after all of these years not to get lost and managed to find the two after a few minutes.

“Ah,” he said, immediately identifying the reason for Patton disappearing.

 “Logan!” Patton said, his voice excited, but also quieter than normal. “We found a kitty!”

“I can see that,” Logan responded, taking a step closer. The cat hissed at him in response. The hissing was so intense and wild that he’d suspect the thing was feral if it wasn’t happily on Virgil’s lap having had it’s head in Patton’s lap before Logan had approached.

“No,” Virgil told the animal as though it could understand words. “That’s Logan. Be nice.”

The cat still glared at him and swished it’s tail back and forth threateningly. Virgil pet the top of it’s head and it broke eye contact with Logan to purr.

 Patton seemed delighted by the purring, reaching to stroke under the thing’s chin carefully. “We should give her a name!” Patton said.

Virgil frowned. “I thought her name was Ghost Kitty.”

“That is ‘Ghost Kitty’?” Logan asked skeptically. From what Patton had said about that cat, it was terrified of people and no one could ever get near it, even him. Now it was in Virgil’s lap?

“But that was a temporary name,” Patton said, “for before we officially met her. Now we have to give her a real name.”

“Do not give it a name,” Logan said. “You will get attached.”

 “How do you name a cat?” Virgil asked.

“Do not name it,” Logan said.

“You give them names based on their personalities, how they look, or even just because it’s a cute name,” Patton explained. “Like, remember Mittens? I named her Mittens because she has white fur and black paws!”

Virgil looked at the cat. “She’s completely black,” he said.

Patton hummed. “So, we could give her a name based on that like Midnight or Shadow.”

“Those are fine,” Virgil said.

“No, no,” Patton said. “I’m just giving you examples. You get to name her yourself.”

“This is a bad idea,” Logan said.

 “Just throw out some names,” Patton said. “Anything you can think of.”

“Uh,” Virgil said. “Knife.”

“…Just Knife?” Patton asked.

“Nightmare.” Virgil seemed to think about it. “No, that’s mean.”

“How about things you like?” Patton suggested.

“Alfredo?”

Oh no, Logan thought, he was worse than Patton at cat naming.

“Good start,” Patton said. “Logan, do you have any suggestions.”

“Cat,” Logan said.

“Real suggestions,” Patton scolded.

Logan sighed and thought for a moment. “Aphrodite.”

“Catphrodite!”

Logan glared at him. “Helena.”

“Helenpaw.”

“Claudia.”

“Clawdia.”

“Persephone.”

Patton smiled at him, cheerfully.

“…Damnit!”

Patton turned to Virgil again. “Like that! They don’t even have to be serious. Like, uh, you could name her Madam Fluffywuffykins the Great!”

“Do not name her that,” Logan said, scrunching up his nose.

 Logan sat on the ground, the cat eyeing him, but no longer hissing. Logan gently guided them towards more sensible names despite Patton trying his hardest to drag them into stupidity.

Virgil still didn’t quite get it. He mostly tried to name it after foodstuff, and often not even appropriate foodstuff such as “Corn” and “Acorn Squash” and “Sandwich” and occasionally would drop in semi violent ones such as “Razor,” “Nightshade” and “Void.” Patton suggested names like “Fluffers,” “Bobette” and “Darling” as well as some that were puns. Logan tried to direct them towards more sensible ones like “Salem” and even went so low as to suggest the contrary “Snowball.”

 It quickly seemed to become less about actually naming the cat and more of a game. Patton had taught Virgil about playing with cats and had even gotten out a ball of yarn he cared around for his crafts. Both Virgil and the cat seemed to find endless entertainment with that. Logan hoped Patton had another ball of yarn that color because, he was never going to get that ball back.

The barrage of names fizzled out into naming things around them like “Leaf” and “Bush” until they stopped suggesting names altogether. Patton and Logan sat back and watched Virgil play with the cat.

 Logan watched as they stopped playing suddenly and Virgil and the cat squinted at each other. “Marisol,” Virgil said, pulling the name out of nowhere. “That’s her name.” He said it with a certainty that was surprising considering how he’d treated the naming process with confusion and caution earlier. If Logan did not know better, his tone of voice would indicate that the cat, or Marisol he guessed, had gotten bored of them coming up with stupid names and decided to tell him her actual name herself.

The cat made a sound and batted at Virgil’s face without claws to grab back his attention.

 He turned back to it and bopped its face with a finger in kind. It attacked his finger, but in a clearly playful matter as it still did not extend it’s claws and its teeth did not draw blood.

“That’s a great name, Virgil,” Patton said.

“Much more pleasant than any that Patton suggested all afternoon,” Logan said. He received an elbow to the side for his quip.

“A pretty name for a pretty kitty,” Patton said, scooting over to where Virgil was sat and attempting to pet Marisol’s head. Marisol, however, was too keyed up and batted at the hand.

 “I love you too!” Patton said.

Logan rolled his eyes, but he had long since resigned himself to watching the two of them play with and coo over the cat for the rest of the day.

Eventually, though, it started to get darker. Even after Logan pointed this out, it still took over an hour for them to relent and leave the bush maze to go to the door. The problem was of course, that the cat had managed to grow very attached to Virgil in the last few hours and she followed them all the way to the door with manipulatively heart breaking mews.

 “You’ve got to stay out here,” Virgil said, when they got to the castle door. He pet her ear softly and she shoved her head into his hand. “I’m sorry. I don’t have anywhere to put you.” He sounded horribly sad about that fact and Logan felt himself shift uncomfortably. “I basically live in a closet and Logan doesn’t like cats in his room anyway.”

Logan immediately felt unreasonably guilty, probably more so because Logan did not think Virgil was trying to make him feel guilty. “…Bring the dammed thing inside.”

Virgil blinked up at him. “What?”

“It will get cold soon anyway,” Logan said.

He frowned at Logan from where he was crouched. “But you don’t like fur in your room…”

“I will have to find a potion that works,” he said with a sigh, “and we’ll have to say it’s mine to the guards and Father since it will be staying in my room, but it is yours in every other way. That means you are going to feed it, clean it, and clean up after it.”

Virgil nodded immediately and swooped Marisol up in his arms. The cat went without complaint. “Thank you!” he said. “I love her.”

“I know you do,” Logan said, already regretting it already. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to even consider recanting the offer considering how happy Virgil seemed to be. They had a cat now, he guessed.

  Chapter 32

“What are you doing?” Helen asked a few minutes after her son walked into the kitchen and started looking around as though he were trying to find something. It was a few hours into the afternoon, and she and a few workers were already prepping for dinner.

“Uh,” Patton said. “Have you seen Virgil?”

“No,” Helen said. “Why.”

“Er… Logan and I sorta, lost him,” Patton said. He was wringing his hands anxiously. Helen put down the knife in her hand.

“What do you mean you lost him?” she asked.

“Well, see, we were trying to teach him how to play hide and seek, um, but then we didn’t think to tell him that he eventually had to come out if we didn’t find him, and now we haven’t seen him since breakfast.”

 “He didn’t know what tag is?” she asked. That was just one more thing to add to the list of why Helen worried about Virgil and where he came from. Every morsel of information she’d managed to wring from Patton despite his evasions made her lists of concerns grow larger, even little things like him not knowing about simple childhood games. Actually, thinking of concerning things having to do with Virgil. “Wait, so he hasn’t eaten lunch.”

“Um, we don’t know that,” Patton’s mouth said while his eyes said ‘no.’

“He needs to be on a consistent diet, especially when he’s still taking the malnutrition potion,” she scolded.

 “I know, Mama, I know,” Patton said. “I’m trying to find him. I’d kinda hoped he’d gotten hungry and snuck down here. He probably wouldn’t want to risk being caught stealing food though.”

Helen grimaced. Yet another concerning thing.

“Wait! I have an idea, I’ll be right back.” Patton turned and ran out of the room. Helen frowned at the space he’d been and finished chopping the carrot on the cutting board in front of her. If it had been any other person in the castle missing, Helen wouldn’t have worried, but she had literally never seen Virgil without Patton and/or Logan by his side. Even when he’d gone to help Jeff can some fruit, Logan had reportedly hung around to read a book.

 Considering that Logan had never exactly been clingy even with Patton, she imagined that either Virgil asked, or Logan thought he should stay with him for his comfort. So, she was surprised that he was apparently hidden away somewhere in the castle where neither of the other kids could find him.

Still thinking about this, she walked over to the entrance to the cellar below the kitchen where they stored most of the vegetables, planning to grab some more carrots. She was confused for a moment when she heard movement from deeper in the pantry. She reached over and touched the panel near the door that controlled the magic lights.

 The newly illuminated figure startled as the lights came on, whipping around to stare at her with wide eyes.

“Virgil?” she asked.

“Sorry,” he said immediately, taking a step back.

“It’s fine,” she said immediately, “but what are you doing here?”

He considered her for a long moment, but apparently, she passed some sort of mental test, because he relaxed, at least as much as he’d ever relaxed in her presence. “Where are we?” he asked.

Her brow knit together. “The cellar under the kitchen,” she said, “You don’t know that?”

He shook his head.

“The only entrance is from the kitchen.” Now that she thought about it, she hadn’t seen him go through the kitchen at any point.

 “No, it’s not,” Virgil said. “There’s a tunnel.”

“A-a tunnel?” she asked. Actually, taking a closer look at him, he seemed a bit grimy. He had dust all over his front and dirt on his nose. She thought he might even have a couple of cobwebs in his hair.

“Yep,” he said.

“Where’s the tunnel?” she asked.

“It’s right over here,” he said. He took a couple of steps and pointed to the ground. There was an open square hole there that clearly had been made a long time ago but which she had never noticed in all of her time working here.

 “How did you find this?” she asked.

“We were playing hide and seek,” Virgil explained. “Logan said I could hide anywhere inside the castle. I hid on top of a dresser upstairs in some unused sitting room. There was a hole in the wall above it, so I climbed into it. Then, I crawled a little bit and it let out into a hidden passage in the walls. I wandered around in it until I found another hole in one of the walls. I thought it was a way out, so I squeezed into it, but it took me to a different hallway where I found an old room. There was a different hole in that room that had probably been covered by something because it was in the floor but whatever it was had rotted away. I crawled though it into a tunnel and came out here.”

 She couldn’t help but laugh a bit at his explanation. “Well, it sounds like you went on an adventure,” she said, “but Patton and Logan have been trying to find you. You missed lunch.”

He tilted his head at her. “I know. I was supposed to hide.”

“Yes,” she explained, “but you are supposed to come out at some point if they can’t find you for things like food.”

“Oh,” he said.

“They probably should have explained,” she said. “For now, why don’t we get you something to eat? You must be hungry.”

Virgil frowned. “But I missed lunch.”

“You can still eat even though it’s not in normal hours,” she said. “You could even if you had made it to lunch.”

 “Really?” he asked, he looked tragically confused by this offer.

“Of course, sweetie,” she said. “In fact, I insist you get something good to eat right now. How about I made you a grilled ham and cheese sandwich? Maybe some cookies too!”

Virgil titled his head. “You are Patton’s mother,” he stated.

Helen laughed softly. “He gets its all from me,” she said. “We should probably go find him and tell him you’re okay. He was worried.”

“I didn’t mean to worry him,” Virgil said with a frown.

“I know,” Helen said. “It’s okay. He’ll probably laugh when he figures out where you’ve been, and Logan will interrogate you all about the secret passageways.” He seemed happy about the prospect of seeing his friends. “Come on, let’s go upstairs for a bit,” she said.

  Chapter 33

Patton’s mom had already made Virgil sit down at the small table in the corner of the kitchen and had handed him a sandwich by the time Patton barreled into the kitchen, Logan coming after him at a more sedate pace.

“Virgil!” he said, sounding surprised and relieved.

“Patton,” Patton’s mom scolded. “No cats in the kitchen.” Patton had brought Marisol in with him and had let her go as soon as he’d seen Virgil. She immediately plodded over to him and hoped onto the table to sniff at his face in greeting.

“But she’s the princess!” Patton argued.

“No,” Logan said.

 “Yes, she is!” Patton said.

“The stupid cat is not a princess.”

“Don’t be mean to your little sister, Logan.”

“I regret every life decision that has led me to this point.”

While Logan and Patton were distracted squabbling and Patton’s mom was distracted watching them squabble, Virgil tore off a bit of the ham in his sandwich and offered it to Marisol. Marisol gracefully took it from his grip and ate it.

“So, this is Logan’s new cat I’ve been hearing about?” Patton’s mom asked.

“Indeed,” Logan said, his lips thinned. He and Marisol were mostly amicable when alone with just them and Virgil, but Patton had a habit of cooing over the kitten and needling Logan into being irritated.

 “Mmm, yeah,” Patton’s mom said. She glanced over at Virgil right as Marisol basically slammed her face into his chin in a bid to get pets. “Your cat.” She shook her head. “But Princess Kitten or not, I do not want fur in dinner,” she said.

“Sorry,” Patton said, honestly not sounding sorry at all. Virgil was always a bit surprised when the insolent shrug garnered nothing more that a scowl that did not reach Patton’s mom’s eyes. “I thought she could help me find Virgil, but you already found him.” He turned to Virgil. “Where have you been all day?”

 “Found a tunnel,” Virgil said. He had to use one hand to hold Marisol back from his sandwich as he took another bite, but then gave her a bite of cheese.

“You found what?” Logan asked.

“There’s a tunnel under the cellar,” Virgil said. “It goes to an old closed up room and also to a set of secret passageways.” It was a bit of a security risk honestly, though clearly no one had used it in years by how dirty it was. He did plan to go back into it and make sure the sprawling tunnels didn’t go to anywhere more dangerous like the royal wing.

 “A closed-up room?” Logan said. He could see a bit of curiosity already building in his eyes.

“Yeah,” Virgil said. “Where the door used to be seemed like it had been bricked over.”

“Really? Can you show me.”

“Sure,” Virgil answered.

“Ah, perhaps we should be a bit more cautious about climbing through random tunnels we don’t know the stability of,” Patton’s mom said.

Logan’s frown edged on a pout.

“Talk to your father,” she said. “I’m sure he can get someone who understands these things so you can safely investigate.”

“It was safe enough for Virgil,” Logan pointed out.

 “No, Logan.”

He sighed but seemed to concede. That was another strange thing about living here. By all rights Logan didn’t have to obey anyone except the king, but he often listened to those around him, not just the adults but Patton as well. It was interesting though it sometimes made the hierarchy hard to figure out. Virgil did sometimes stress out about the hypothetical situation where he got conflicting orders from two people, and he wouldn’t know which one to obey. So far it hadn’t been a problem luckily. They always seemed to work it out amongst themselves in some give and take social interaction that was a bit too complex for him to understand.

 Patton walked over to where Virgil was sitting. “I’m glad your safe,” he said. “We should probably put a time limit on hide and seek in the future, so you know when to come out.”

“Did I win?” Virgil asked. He’d honestly forgotten they’d been playing a game until Patton’s mom had asked how he’d found his way into the cellar.

Patton laughed. “I’d say so, yeah,” he replied. He leaned over to kiss Virgil’s forehead, but drew back immediately with a pinched expression. “You are… very dirty,” he said, rubbing his mouth.

Virgil nodded. “Your mom made me sit on a tablecloth,” he said gesturing to the fabric she’d laid over the chair.

 Patton snorted out a laugh. “We’ll get you into the bath when you’re done eating and you can tell us all about your little adventure.”

“I would also like to hear about your discoveries,” Logan said. “Though you are not allowed to sit on the bed until you do not have spider webs in your hair.”

Patton’s eyes widened and he jumped away from Virgil, startling both Virgil and Marisol. The latter hopped from the table onto Virgil’s lap. “Spiders?!”

Virgil tilted his head at him in confusion.

“He isn’t a fan of spiders,” Logan informed him, his voice amused at Patton’s reaction.

 Apparently deciding that she was no longer startled, but more confused by the noises Patton had just made, Marisol jumped out of Virgil’s lap to investigate, wrapping her way around Patton’s legs. He bent down to pat her back, though he still looked a bit startled.

“Your cat, huh?” Patton’s mom asked Logan once again. Virgil studied her. She had apparently missed Logan mentioning that he allowed Virgil on the bed. Or perhaps Logan was correct in his insistence that it wasn’t actually that big of a deal here. Virgil would rather not test that assumption, however, so was glad that it had been distracted from by Patton’s outburst.

 “Creepy, crawly death dealers,” Patton mumbled into Marisol’s fur, having picked her back up. Virgil made a note to not inform Patton of all of the different types of spiders he’d seen skittering around in the castle walls today. Maybe he’d talk about them with Logan once Patton left. He’d probably be interested. Virgil had seen some he’d never seen before! Logan probably could even help him figure out what their names were. “You’ll protect me, won’t you kitty?” Patton asked Marisol.

She made a little ‘burrrr’ sound in response, which Patton seemed to take a confirmation.

“Aw thank you, baby! Such a good baby.”

50234

Virgil popped the rest of the sandwich into his mouth. Patton’s mom turned away and grabbed a plate stacked with cookies. She handed it to Logan. “Take these, and please get the health hazards out of my kitchen,” she requested.

Logan took them without complaint. “Come on, Virgil,” he said. “Let’s go get you clean.”

“We’re going to need so much soap,” Patton said.

Virgil looked down at himself. “I can go outside and get most of it off if you get me a bucket of water,” he offered.

“Virgil, it’s below freezing,” Logan said as though that had a baring on what he’d just said. Logan sighed. “No. Bathtub.” Virgil shrugged. “Honestly,” Logan said. He turned with the plate of cookies in his hand, clearly expecting to be followed. “You’re not going to catch your death pouring a bucket of water over yourself in the cold when there are literally over a hundred perfectly good bathtubs in this castle. For goodness sakes.” And well, Virgil wasn’t going to complain.

  Chapter 34

Patton, to be completely honest, was not all that interested in the room that Virgil had found. Beyond just the fact that it would definitely have creepy crawly death dealers in it, he really did not understand the intrigue. If it had just been him, he probably would have just let a castle worker deal with it, but it was not just him. Logan was ecstatic with the prospect of investigating a secret in the castle. People who didn’t know him well may not believe it considering he spent most of his time with his nose in a book, but he was an adventurer at heart.

 Thomas had been easily swayed into finding someone to help tear down part of the wall into the secret tunnel near the room (so no one would have to crawl through the kitchen cellar like Virgil). It had taken a few days, however, and Logan was practically bouncing off the walls waiting. Virgil, despite having already seen the room before, also seemed excited, though if that was because of his own curiosity or because he was just excited that Logan seemed so exited remained to be seen.

“They are silly, aren’t they,” Patton asked Princess Marisol. He was laying on his stomach on Logan’s bed and Princess Marisol had just put her little paw on his nose.

 “Yes, I agree,” he said. “Don’t they know that we’re literally going to be 2 feet away from the normal hallway?”

“It is not silly,” Logan defended himself. “Any number of things could go wrong.” He sounded far too excited about the prospect of something going terribly wrong. “The tunnels could cave in and block off the exit or there could be some unknown pathogen in the air.”

Patton did not ruin his fun by mentioning that Logan’s dad had definitely basically baby proofed the tunnels for them ahead of time. Instead, he just said, “Don’t let Virgil hear you say that sort of thing. It will just stress him out.”

 “Yes, yes, of course,” he said, waving off Patton’s concerns as he mulled over two different weird green planty things (potion ingredients, Patton assumed) before setting one aside and sticking the other in his bag.

“So silly,” Patton cooed at the cat. Logan let out a huff but did not choose to say anything about it this time.

Speaking of silly, Virgil came back from Logan’s bathroom then, and Patton tried not to giggle. “Is this right?” Virgil asked, sounding and looking confused. Logan, in his overexcitement about adventure had commissioned Virgil an outfit that actually fit. Said outfit, however, very much made it look more like Virgil was going on a safari instead of a two-foot detour from the normal castle hallway.

 “Almost,” Logan said, “Here, let me.” Logan started straightening everything out and flattening the collar, reminding Patton of an overbearing parent on picture day. Virgil accepted the fussing without protest. It was adorable. Well, the outfit was ridiculous, but still, adorable. “There,” Logan said. “I think we’re ready to go now.”

It was about time. Patton was sure people were already waiting for them downstairs. Patton got up and patted Princess Marisol on the head. She looked up at them with interest.

“You can stay here, sweetie,” Patton told here. She seemed to consider it and then hopped down from the bed to go rub up against Virgil.

 Patton guessed she was coming. It didn’t matter too much since Logan had given her a magical collar that allowed her to open most doors in the castle and everyone knew she was the royal cat now, so if she decided she wanted to come back to the room and nap, she could. (She was very aware of the power she held.)

She pranced happily by Virgil’s side all the way down the steps to the first floor of the castle. She was such a good kitty.

Well, she did hiss angrily at everyone who came too close to them, but still, a very good kitty.

 Patton did lean down and pick her up so they could actually talk to the man waiting for them at the large hole in the wall. Logan went to talk to the castle worker while Virgil half hid behind Patton. He was clearly listening very intently to the conversation however, at least more intently than Patton was. Patton was busy shaking his head fondly.

“Yes, yes, Princess,” he said to the cat. “I know we do not trust the strangers, but I promise this stranger is perfectly safe.”

“How do you know?” Virgil asked.

“His name is Chester and I’ve known him since I was 9.”

[longinglook]

I may or may not have spent my entire Sunday binge watching all of I told sunset about you and Gaya sa pelikula and now I have so many thoughts and feelings that I need to write about them so here we go! Under a read more (if tumblr allows me to) because it’s 2k words hehe

First of all, I knew next to nothing about both shows before starting them. I had seen a couple of gifs here and there, but really had no idea what I was in for.

I started with I told sunset about you, which has 3 episodes out of 5 out. All I knew is that it was going to be beautiful and possibly sad, and it was. Everything about this show is so high quality, from the audio to the dialogue to the locations to the acting, just wow. The production is better than a lot of movies I’ve seen, and every technical aspect is perfect. I am really loving the plot so far as well, I find the childhood friendship to stubborn rivalry to grown up friendship again very relatable. I think it’s a very common experience for a lot of non straight folks to develop an extremely close bond with a same sex friend when you’re too young to realize what you’re actually feeling for them until you’re a lot older and suddely the jealousy and possessivenes all make sense.

I love the recurring themes sprinkled throughout the episodes, starting from the chinese vocabulary that expresses the core thoughts of the two main characters: rival, intimacy, secret, male protagonist, as promised. They could easily be the episode titles, or the names of imaginary sections the show could be divided into. It’s a great way to integrate metaphors and deeper meaning into the plot.

That’s how most of the communication goes in this show, deep emotions are never conveyed through words because words are scary and loud and they can’t be taken back once they’re out there. The plot advances though stares and gestures and touch and gorgeous shots of the landscape. The pace is slow with hour-long episodes that could each be a movie of their own. This worried me a bit before starting, and I have to admit that at times I struggled to stay focused, especially during scenes that set the mood but don’t do much plot-wise. This is just a personal preference, though, and in no way I see it as a flaw. 

The dancing around each other the main characters do, sometimes literal, is frustrating but it determines an emotional build up that’s just starting to reach its peak. This is one of those shows that has me screaming if only they talked to each other, but the silences and unspoken words are so well directed and acted that it works. I struggle a lot with keeping in mind that they’re still in high school, they’re very young and I can’t expect them to act rationally just yet. 

I was really worried about Teh possibly going the insufferable Theory-of-love-khai way, and I am still not 100% sold on him. When he started helping Oh-aew again it felt like he was just doing it to make himself feel better about the whole thing. It was frustrating to see him so possessive and jealous while also so deeply in denial about his own feelings, to the point where he had me rooting for Bas instead. He was getting better, but then he fled at the end of episode 3 and now I have no clue what’s going to happen next. About this, I really have no idea if they’re going for a happy ending or a sad one. I’m really hoping it will be good, because so far there has been barely any emotional payoff for all the repressed longing and misunderstanding the show has put us through.

I do like their dynamic a lot though, I have a weak spot for childhood friends reconnecting and an ever weaker spot for informal mentor/mentee relationships. Oh-aew asking Teh to tutor him until he passes the admission exam was an almost exact mirror of Yuri on ice Yuri begging Victor to be his coach until he retires and I loved that a lot.

Now on to the one issue I have with this show: it feels too much like an art film. It reminds me of Moonlight and Call me by your name, in the way that I wasn’t able to connect with those movies because they are too perfect. They are so beautiful and carefully crafted that I can’t fully immerse myself in them. There’s a filter that stops me from relating to the characters and constantly reminds me that this is not reality. It’s pretty, it’s extremely well done, but it feels like art. It has some quirks, some scenes that feel too artificial. One scene in particular, the one where Teh buries his head in the paper Oh-aew wrote with his coconut scented pen to sniff it, which is a direct parallel to Call me by your name, bothered me in particular. Just as it felt over-the-top and purposefully weird in the movie, so it feels in the show. It’s a way of showcasing how a confused teen deals with attraction he barely understands, it’s raw and animalistic in a way, but it’s so quirky that all it accomplishes is to remind me that I’m watching an lgbt show. It makes me wonder if a scene like this would make sense in a straight relationship because here it seems to highlight how different and primal his attraction is. If I had to pinpoint it, I’d say that I have a problem with media showcasing queerness though peculiar, purposefully awkward scenes like these instead of normal kissing and cuddling.

Overall, I can’t wait to see how this show ends and I still think it’s one of the best bls to air in 2020, if not ever. It’s refreshing to see something with a big budget used well! So far my rating is 8/10, which I know is a lot lower than what everyone else seems to think but it’s still very much subject to change! Just hoping they won’t pull a Make our days count, but I doubt they’ll go there.

And now Gaya sa pelikula. Wow. Again, I knew next to nothing about this show before watching, and I was coming from a 3 hour I told sunset about you binge watch, so the bar was pretty high.

And boy, did this show deliver. I was blown away by the depth and the humor of it. It feels like the writers had fun taking all sorts of common tropes and stereotypes just to show everyone how well they can be evolved and made complex. Two strangers who somehow find themselves sharing an apartment sounds like the start of so many fanfictions out there, but it’s so well executed and interesting that you don’t even stop to think about how weak the premises for their meeting are. It doesn’t matter and it’s not even that far-fetched, either. The sister and the neighbor are also two characters that start off as extra stereotyped, but in just a few scenes they unveil an incredible depth and backstory. It blew me away.

Each character is so realistic. Everything they do and say makes sense, they all have their reasons and their past and they react accordingly, it’s so coherent. It’s impressive how everything takes place inside the house and you barely realize it because things happen and the plot moves anyways, and the way information about external events and people is conveyed is so seamless that you don’t even notice it. In only 7 episodes (so far) they have managed to give everyone a complex background and personality through the use of objects and small details and wow don’t get me started on the music.

The soundtrack is SO GOOD. I never really pay attention to music in shows but it plays a very important role here in my opinion and, well, it’s exactly the kind of music I like listening to and ahhh I just spent 4 hours playing the first kiss song on loop so I might be biased. Right from the start in episode 1, when Karl gives in to Vlad’s music and starts dancing to it, it’s established that it’s an important element to the mood of each scene. I love how the dancing I talked about for I told sunset about you comes back here, but while I saw it as a hesitant dancing around each other there, here it’s the opposite, it’s freeing and it’s about accepting yourself. And the end of episode 6 highlights this, with the beautiful quote “You are entitled to a love that lets you dance without fear and shame.” It made me cry a looooot.

I think the development of their relationship is masterfully done. It doesn’t happen too quickly nor too slowly. Karl goes through some needed shocks that act as his wake up call. When I’m watching bl shows I care the most about them feeling real and relatable. I don’t want to feel like they were written by a straight person trying to guess what it’s like to be gay. Now I didn’t look anything up about the Gaya sa pelikula writers, but I’d be very surprised if they were straight. I can relate to both Karl and Vlad for different aspects of their stories and their worries and thoughts. There was one part in particular that hit so close that I had to take a few breaks because it hurt too much. I am a lesbian, I’ve had relationship with a girl that lasted over a year, I am out to some friends but not all. I never came out to my parents, who are both very open minded and friends with a lot of gay people and would love me just as much if I told them, and yet I can’t. It’s not just that, I am terrified by the idea of them already knowing or being able to guess. When Karl freaked out over his uncle guessing, it hit me so hard because I’ve felt the same way so many times.

Episode 7 was amazing. I hate badly written drama the most, and 99% of shows can’t come up with any good reason for drama but they have to put it in there anyways and it sucks. This was the complete opposite, I adored it and I say this as a lover of fluff. It feels right, I think it’s an issue that would come up between two people like them. They are both right and the only thing that could happen there is what actually went down. I definitely think things will be fixed by the end and I am looking forward to it, but I am very glad this issue was included because it’s so important and so true to many lgbt people’s lives.

Another aspect I absolutely adored are the multiple references to lgbt theory and language, and Vlad has some of the best lines I’ve ever heard coming from a bl. When he tells Karl not to be afraid of the word, when he explains that “you don’t look gay” isn’t a compliment, when he scolds his sister for not acknowledging the things she used to say to him by covering them up with her ally act, those are all such important and educative moments that I hope everyone listens to. I love that Vlad is not correcting some ignorant bad guy, but it’s his accepting and loving friends and family that make the mistakes, because sometimes being supportive your own way isn’t enough if you’re not actively learning from the ones you want to support.

This is a 10/10 for me right now. I can’t find anything I don’t like about it. It never feels boring, it never feels overdone, it never feels cheap or unoriginal. It went straight to the top of my favorite bls.

And now I can’t help but compare the two a bit, because yes they are two different shows but right now the relationships they portray have reached the same point: there has been a climax and now the one who is more confused about his sexuality is panicking and taking a step back. It’s a coincidence that I watched both shows on the same day when their last aired episodes end in such a similar way, but it really leads me to compare the two. I don’t want to put them one against each other or say which one did it better because that’s not the point of this, they are both two amazing and important shows who are excelling in what they’re doing. 

Gaya sa pelikula is down to earth, it’s explicit and it’s straight to the point in explaining what’s going on inside each character’s head. It feels like watching real people deal with real struggles. I told sunset about you is a lot more subtle and quiet, and since we don’t really have a clear insight in the characters’ heads sometimes it’s hard to completely understand what’s going on with them. It’s a completely different way of narrating, and while Gaya sa pelikula makes me feel like I’m a part of the events, I told sunset about you feels like I’m just spectating from an outside perspective. They are different choices, but one of them ends up feeling a lot more emotional to me than the other.

To wrap it up, I highly recommend both shows and I can’t wait to see how they’ll end! They are both among the best shows of the year, both free of all those annoyingly stereotyped characters and plot points that most bls tend to overuse.

[lihikainanea]

No hate because I don't mean to offend it's just I've always been told otherwise and I'd like your input. Genuinely, how do you fight against a grown man that's twice your size when you're so small??? Like could you throw Bill around for example? I just don't understand how that works. I've always been told that no matter how strong a woman is, if a man twice her size takes her on she'll lose. And that martial arts won't win against a guy who street fights and you need to defend yourself.

No offence taken, bubs. I get this question a lot, and I’m always happy to explain these things to people who ask out of genuine curiosity. For people who ask out of arrogance (ie: usually dudes), I tend to prefer a more demonstrative approach.

There are a few things that make this whole “martial arts is useless against people bigger and stronger than you” thing a total misconception, so let’s outline some of them.

1) Martial arts is never about strength or force. Well, not your own anyway. The concept of martial arts was created with one very, very obvious thing in mind: That you will usually get attacked by someone bigger and stronger than you. I can’t speak for all martial arts, but as a kyokushinkai, I can tell you how we train and what we believe. Martial arts is not about your strength, or your force--but rather, it is about using your opponent’s strength and force against them. Have you ever thrown a punch at the air? I’m talking a real punch, one with your whole body weight--ever throw a haymaker like that at absolutely nothing? Let me tell you what happens: you go flying. More specifically, you pitch forward at the waist, you lean your upper body forward, you step into it as you try to regain your balance--and then your body’s natural inclination to counter that weight kicks in, and you lean back to try and regain your centre.

Now, imagine that as you throw that punch, the person in front of you just hooks a hand behind your shoulder and guides you even more into the direction you were already catapulting yourself in. Then imagine as your body is pitching forward from your own force, all of that forward momentum driving into one sole place--imagine the person in front of you just raises a knee, sinks it into your gut. All of this--every modicum of it--is your own force. Not theirs.

Additionally, there are also spots on the body where you can cause maximum damage with minimum efforts--these are called pressure points, most people don’t have more than a basic understanding of them, and they are a bitch. There are a lot of them in a lot of easy to reach places, and none of them require much more than a tap. Take your fingers--your index and your middle finger--and put them on the spot under your earlobe, right where your jaw connects to your skull. Push down there--that’s pretty sensitive, right? Now look at your hand, where your thumb connects to your wrist. Tuck your thumb into your palm.

If you tap someone on either side where their jaw connects, with that bony part of your hand--and you have a solid 5cm of space here, so you can miss and still be fine--you will knock them out. Every single time.

How this is applicable to the argument: People tend to think of fighting as a Rock’Em Sock’Em game. You stand in front and you punch each other. If that’s how fighting worked, then punch for punch--yeah, a dude who is 6′4 and 240lbs is stronger than me. But martial artists are craftier than that--and if I know that I won’t win the brute force game, then I don’t play the brute force game. After 12 years of training, I have 238975854569 other games that he doesn’t.

So yes, I could throw Bill around. But the whole point is--I would never have to. Strength would be his fight, because he’s a big dude. If I know my strength won’t win, then I won’t fight that way.

2) Speed and accuracy

Again, I can only speak as a kyokushinkai. But something that we emphasized was that there was a need, when you train, to constantly be uncomfortable. Are we throwing punches? Okay great, here put a weighted belt on only one side of your body and also these rubber bands on your wrist are connected to a guy behind you who will pull your hand back every time you try to throw it forward. Are we practicing defending against surprise attacks, or accuracy? Great, here kick this tiny ping pong ball using only this part of your foot, and wear a blindfold while you’re at it.

12 years of this.

I will reiterate that standing in front of a dude, square on, throwing timed punches--I will lose. He will be stronger than me. But thankfully, that’s...not ever how a fight works.

What allows me to win against a guy of that size is my speed, and my accuracy.  Let me tell you a little something about how people punch: people don’t know how to punch. Their features pinch in their face, and their neck tightens. An arm is drawn back--way back--and usually, the leading foot is raised just a tad, on the heel, so it’s just the ball of the foot on the ground. The fist comes through the air in a circular arc, reaching to connect to the side of your face as the person steps forward. The punch’s natural progression is from one of your shoulders to the other--if you can imagine that pathway. The entire thing is circular, it is energy-consuming, but more than that--it’s predictable.

I have spent 12 years getting punched by men stronger than me, who were trained to punch. Men who spent 20 years training to punch. I don’t see those coming, for a few reasons: they’re too fast, but mostly, we have been trained to not “give away” our strikes. Our faces don’t twitch anymore. We give no indication that a punch is coming, until we’ve actually punched you. There’s no wind up. There’s no arc. There’s no shift in weight--it is a direct line, and it is immediate. And devastating. We punch to break cinder blocks. Your face is not as strong as a cinderblock.

Fighting these dudes who give nothing away, I can say that in a street fight against someone--things are moving in slow motion for me. And I can confirm this, because I’ve been jumped twice in my life. Everything the opponent did, it looked like he was moving through molasses. I recognized the sudden tensing in his facial features (as competitors, do you know where we look when we fight? At the hollow of the neck on our opponent. Because of the involuntary way it clenches when they’re about to throw a strike.) I saw the arm wind back--way the fuck back. It gave me a half a second--but that’s a half a second head start, and that’s all the time I need. I can deflect. I can stop. I can strike back.

How this is applicable to the argument: Strength and force don’t even come to the party when an opponent is faster than you, because you can’t exude force against something that you can’t grab or strike. You also can’t exude force against something that strikes you right as you’re attempting to strike it.

And because we train so much on accuracy, it means that I can hit the spot that I mean to hit, with the force I mean to hit it with, under most circumstances. Including on a moving, erratic, unpredictable target. And if I miss, then I have the reflexes fast enough to strike something that was just made available to me in my miss. Example: I go to strike a groin, and he covers? Most men have an incredibly fast reflex to cover their groin. That’s fine, because it means that his hands just went down to block my strike. And when his hands go down, you know what he’s not protecting?

His head. Off with it.

(it’s also important to note that the first thing we are ever taught to protect, is our head. This is so deeply engrained in us. And the number one thing that people always punch for, is the head. When you spend 12 years protecting it against 5th degree black belts, believe me some drunk dude in a bar is not even going to get close to it without dying first.)

3) Tolerance for pain

I mentioned before that if you have never gotten punched before, it is an incredibly jarring experience. You panic. You freeze. Your knees give out. You maybe scream, you probably start to cry, you get really freaked out. There’s so many things that play on the brain in those situations--that you’re in danger, that you’re under attack, that you don’t know what to do, that the punch caused some serious damage, that you’re in pain, that somebody tried to hurt you. All of these things are terrifying, and they’re a very natural panic response to the situation.

Over the course of 12 years, I have gotten punched and kicked at full force--my face, my stomach, my chest, my head--millions of times. Millions. It doesn’t incite panic anymore, but it sure does incite rage.

Kyokushinkai go through various exercises to numb ourselves to pain. We punch telephone books covered in burlap, to kill the nerve endings in our knuckles. When we’re past that, we move onto concrete. We whack our shins with baseball bats to break down the microfibres in the bone, so they’ll not only grow back stronger--but they’ll grow back numb. We stand there, and we let the entire class punch us. Kick us. We don’t block--we absorb it. In kyokushin tournaments, if you show pain, you automatically lose. That means that if I take a kick to the head and I grimace, if I grunt or suck in a breath or otherwise show any emotion--I forfeit the fight. Immediately.

All of this takes the shock value out of experiencing pain, and more importantly, it re-programs your brain to replace it with something else. We have been, essentially, reprogrammed. That’s the only word I can think of for this. The normal brain is programmed that when you get punched, you feel pain. The kyokunshinkai brain is programmed that when you get punched, you feel fucking blind rage.

How this is applicable to the argument: He might be stronger, and he might land the hit. But I have been punched much harder by men who have been trained to use their bodies as weapons. I have submitted my body to that for 12 years. So he may land the hit. But it won’t hurt me, because for 12 years, I have been through worse. And if he lands the hit, refer to item 2 on how I can still win. Most people throw the punch thinking it will end the fight. It’s rather shocking when you throw the punch and a harder one lands on you 2 seconds later.

4) We understand body mechanics.

This is kind of all of the points rolled into one. Martial artists have an innate understanding of pressure points, how to manipulate them, but more than that--we understand how the body moves. We understand actions, and counter-actions. We understand involuntary muscle twitches. We understand the ebb and flow, the sway, the centre lines. Gravity.

Up top I mentioned that in competition, we stare at the other person’s throat when we fight. This is not only because it’s one of the places where your peripheral vision is most effective (you can see all movement in their arms and legs), but because the body basically gives involuntary muscle twitches there before any other movement is made. If something there twitches, then something is about to come flying at your head.

But we also understand that for anybody who hasn’t been trained, a contortion of the facial features precedes strike. It’s a running joke amongst martial artists, this idea that “a punch comes from your face.” It does. there is always a constriction of the facial features before a strike.

We understand the body mechanics of a poorly thrown punch. We understand that to get more force, people will swing back, shift their weight to their back leg before pitching forward, planting their front leg, swinging their arm way behind them as their gravity shifts to the front and they launch it. A martial artist would look at this situation, and manipulate it.

So when the dude shifts his weight onto his back leg and draws his arm back--you break his back leg. Chop it down like a fucking tree, which is easy to do when his weight is on it. Or you let him throw the punch, and you move--just a slight toss to the side, guide his arm where it was going anyway if you want to, and with a little downward momentum this guy is eating pavement. And again, it’s his own momentum. You’re just nudging him to where he was already going.

As martial artists we understand centrelines and counterbalance. We understand that sometimes you need to swing things up to have enough momentum to bring them down (a double collar grab), we understand that you need to oppose the force to gain enough momentum to go with the force (a double wrist grab on you that turns into a forearm lock on them).

How this is applicable to the argument: if I could hone in on something here, and it’s only because it’s something that took me a long time to learn: we understand how to force someone to fight our fight. For years and years I would adapt to someone else’s fight. If he was a garbage truck on the mats, standing there and pounding on me, I would morph into a garbage truck too and just stand there, take it, and punch back--instead of working my angles, getting off his centre, not giving him the access to get into a punching rhythm. And against a big tall dude, a big strong dude--no, I can’t reach his head.

But I can make his head come to me.

You learn that a groin kick will lower an opponent’s hands, and it will buckle their knees in protection. Cause them to crouch. You learn that a well positioned punch low on the abdomen--say, the bladder--will fold a person in half, which brings their head much closer to you. You learn to get what you want. You want the back leg? You put yours forward. Offer it up. You hand it to them on a silver platter and let them believe they have it. You want the ribs? You throw up high, so their hands come up. You want the groin? You give them your hands. Because essentially--they don’t have your hands. You have theirs, and then bullseye.

Which brings me to my fifth and final point....

5) Adaptability.

As martial artists, we have options. We have a lot of options. We like options. We don’t believe in one fight. We don’t believe you’re ever really stuck.  But we do believe in something else, that is very dear to us. A philosophy, of sorts, and it goes like this:

Every single part of me is a weapon and every single part of you is a target.

We know how to use what’s left, we know how to use what’s available. If you have one of my hands, I have 3 other weapons I can strike you with. If I kick for your groin and I miss or you block, I now know that your head is unprotected and you’re hunched over. It means I can knock you out, it means I can reach and literally rip your ears off (sorry kids, self-defence is nasty). If I throw a punch for your solar plexus and you move, I can hit you from any angle within a 5 foot radius because that’s how I’ve been trained. If you break my leg, then I’ll remember that time that I broke my leg in competition and I still finished the fight, because I know that my adrenaline is so far off the charts that I still have a good 20 minutes before I’ll feel the pain.

If I kick and you block, I know how to throw another 3 kicks before my foot lands--all at different areas of the body. If I punch and you block, I know how to punch another 6 times and kick another 3 and one of them is bound to land, and hurt you.

How this is applicable to the argument: Everybody’s got a plan ‘til they get punched in the face. Most people start a brawl with some semblance of a plan in mind--even if that plan is just “I’m gonna throw this punch that this fucker won’t ever see coming and knock him the fuck out.”

Martial artists don’t have a plan. Martial artists wait until you reveal your plan, and then we just make sure we don’t let you carry through with it. I hope this helps shed some light, bubs <3

[summernightskyy]

My Top The 100 Men

So, @nomattertheoceans​ tagged me to post about my Top 5 The 100 Women, and while I was doing that, I got curious about who her Top 5 The 100 Men are (I’m almost positive I know at least one person who would be on her list, and I think he might even be number 1 haha). So I decided to do my own and then tag her in this! This was very hard, but in a different way from the women for me. I knew who my number one was, no doubt. But #2-5? I love every character on this list a lot, so really almost everyone else is tied for second place hehe.

1. Bellamy Blake

Oh Bellamy. My journey with him has been a long one. I started out the series nearly hating him, but then as we got to see the motivation behind his actions, I started to not only understand the character, but love him. Now, he’s one of my favorite characters across all media - potentially even my absolute favorite male character of all time. He’s an extremely nuanced character, and I love getting to see different sides of him. I love getting to see a lead male character express emotion the way he does (and not just anger); I love seeing a male lead get to cry, and not be portrayed as weak I think we need that more on TV and in movies. I grieve for the childhood both of the Blake siblings had, and I’m so proud of them (is it weird to say I’m proud of a fictional character?) for turning out the way they have. Bellamy, who was burdened with so much at such a young age, who probably never thought he would get to have a life outside of Aurora and Octavia, for fear of Octavia getting discovered. Octavia, who knew nobody outside of her brother and mother for what, like 15 years? Who probably thought she’d never get to have a life of her own either? (Ugh, I get so annoyed when I start thinking a little too much about Aurora and the decisions she made. She doomed both her children. I don’t know how she thought either of them, especially Octavia, would ever have normal fulfilling lives. If Octavia hadn’t been sent to the ground, they wouldn’t have.) Yeah, they’ve both lost their way at times, but I LOVE the Blakes (especially the eldest one haha). Season 7 has been pretty good so far, but I somehow became even more aware of just how much Bellamy (and B.ob, because he’s an amazing actor and portrays Bellamy so well B.ob antis DNI!!!! Regardless of what anyone thinks about him as a person, I think he’s a great actor) brings to the show for me with his extremely limited presence so far this season. I really enjoyed 7x11, even if it ended up with my boy being brainwashed. I stood by him even after he wrongfully and stupidly participated in the grounder army massacre, and I’m sure as heck gonna stand by him now too. @clarkegriffinlovebot​ said they would watch Bellamy Blake watch paint dry for 45 minutes, and I totally agree. (Is it weird that I’m tagging you? I don’t know you and I’ve never interacted with you past liking that post, but I wanted to give you credit haha) The show is just so much better for me when this adorable mythology and history nerd is in it.

2. Nathan Miller

Onto number 2! I chose Miller because although we *unfortunately* haven’t seen much of him or delve into his character that much, I’ve loved all the little bits we’ve gotten to see. He’s just so sassy and snarky, and I love it, in addition to him being loyal (sometimes to a fault) and trustworthy (lmao, that’s funny considering he’s a thief - but I don’t know, in my eyes he’s trustworthy when it counts 😂). I love him, and him hating all the planets they’ve been to is so, so relatable. I would be just entirely done and tired as well. I also really enjoy Millamy and Millarke as brotps (although I don’t think I’d mind if Millamy was a romantic ship haha). There’s quite a few things I would change about this show, but two of the things highest on that list would be 1) making Jarod Joseph part of the main cast so we could properly explore Miller as a character and give him his own full story line(s) and 2) making Miller x Monty canon, even if it was just for a little bit! Marper was cute, and Mackson is alright, but I think these two would have been cuter, and I’m so salty the show didn’t go down that route, especially since both Jarod and Christoper Larkin seemed to be on board.

Also, I really need to learn how to make my own gifs, because I was really hoping to find one with Miller saying “In other words, get the flock out of here!” I actually died during that moment. Maybe someone did make one, but if they did, I didn’t see it. That’s fine, though. I needed motivation to start trying anyways, because its something I’ve always wanted to do.

3. Gabriel Santiago

Everyone else on this list has been on the show since season 1, and I definitely didn’t expect to love a character who was introduced in the penultimate season as much as I love Gabriel. At the end of season 6, I was really hoping they’d keep Gabriel around, so I was super happy to hear they were going to, and I haven’t been disappointed. I love how he literally seems to thirst for knowledge. (I clearly have a thing for attractive, nerdy guys, okay?) I also find it incredibly brave that he pushed so hard for the Primes to stop what they were doing, because he had to know that all of them, including the love of his life, would turn on him. It was obvious that Ryker wasn’t fully okay with what was happening either, but he didn’t do what Gabriel did and fully renounce the practice. He clearly has a pretty strong moral compass, even if he was lead astray from it for awhile. I also really liked seeing him bond with Echo, Hope and Orlando. He’s smart, hot as hell, subtly funny, and not afraid to do what’s right even if that’s gonna end up making the people he cares about mad at him. 

4. Monty Green

Monty has been one of my favorites from the jump, and I miss him so much. He’s just so adorable and kind, and literally one of the best people on this show. He suffered through and lost so much, and I wish we could have had more focus on him dealing with those traumas. I hate that we never really got to see how he dealt with what happened at Mount Weather. The focus tends to be mostly on Clarke and Bellamy, but even then mostly Clarke. I think it’s easy to forget that while, yes, they pulled the lever, Monty made pulling that lever possible so he could save his friends. We also don’t really get to see much about him dealing with the trauma of having to kill his own mother, and even Jasper’s suicide was relatively swept under the rug. I mentioned earlier that there’s quite a few things I would change about this show, and when it comes to Monty, I wish we could have seen him process these events and heal. I also think credit for saving the day tends to go to Bellamy, Clarke, Octavia and Raven - but Monty has been instrumental in many instances. Those five, in my opinion make up the core five characters of the show, and honestly, the show hasn’t been the same without Monty. I love Jordan, he’s adorable and genuinely good just like his dad (and mom) but Monty’s part of the soul of the show to me. Also, how cute is it that Monty taught Jordan Korean?!? (I really think Jordan might be onto something about Cadogan and the Disciples interpreting the text incorrectly - so look at that, Monty might indirectly save the day again)

Also, shout out to @thelovelylights​ for making this gif - it’s one of my favorite moments of Monty, I’ve been following her for a long time, and her blog is amazing.

5. John Murphy

Honestly, I didn’t realize just how much I’d come to like and care about Murphy as a character until this season. I’ve been sooo stressed out watching every single episode he’s been in, worrying that he would end up dying. I’m a sucker for well depicted character growth / redemption arcs, (I mean lol, there’s a reason that some of my favorite characters include Bellamy Blake, Zuko, and Jaime Lannister), and Murphy’s had a great one. He was such a dick in season 1 who, unlike Bellamy - who clearly cared about Octavia at least, really seemed not to care about anyone but himself. It’s been so amazing to see him grow into the person he is now; a person who cares so much about the lives of random people, who was genuinely scared when he realized Madi was in danger, who reassured to her that she was safe and helped calm her down. I really hope the theories about a Memori baby end up becoming canon, because Memori has grown sooo much over the course of this series and they would be absolutely amazing parents.

Honorable mention: Lincoln Kom Trikru

Lincoln was just such a great character. I miss him so much 😭

Tagging @nomattertheoceans​ and anyone else who sees this and wants to do this!! 

[let-it-raines]

Catch Me If You Can (38/40)

298 days. That’s how long Killian Jones was away from a baseball field. It’s less than a year, only part of a season for him, but it might as well have lasted a decade as he alternated between physical therapy and spending an excessive amount of time sitting on his couch.

But then he came back and won the World Series. 

It’s something no one saw coming, and it’s certainly not something anyone who knows about his arm would predict. Now it’s a new season with new possibilities, and anything could happen. On-field reporter Emma Swan will be there to cover it all even if she is not his biggest fan right now.  

Asking her out live on-air will do that.

Rating: Mature

a/n: Thanks to @resident-of-storybrooke​ for being my beta, @imagnifika​ for the cover art, and all of you for being awesome, whether you read this story or not ❤️

AO3: Beginning | Current

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-/-

The thing about being a starting pitcher is that Killian rarely plays. It’s every five days usually, and Killian is too competitive to simply be able to sit and watch while everyone else gets to be out there on the field. If it wasn’t absolute murder on his shoulder, he’d be in Al’s office every damn day asking why he can’t be out there.

Understandably, having to watch his teammates play without being able to help has been killing him more in this past week than it did while he was out on injury, and that was actual hell.

Rob did a fantastic job that first night clinching the first game for them by making it nearly impossible for the Dodgers to get on base, and Killian, while he didn’t play his best, pitched a good enough game and had help from Eric’s three-run homerun for them to win the second. It’s simply that everything after that has been a bit of a nightmare.

They lost two incredibly close games in a row in California to tie things up, won the next one, and now they could clinch the entire Series at home in New York.

Tonight.

With Rob pitching and Killian sitting on the bench.

And as much as Killian would love to get to be an active part of it all like he was during the winning game last year, he would give absolutely everything for them to win tonight so that he doesn’t have to get up on the mound tomorrow. The pressure and desire and want  is so damn intense that it makes Killian’s heart ache, but he knows that this isn’t really about him. No part of him could be selfish enough to want to lose today so that he could have the possibility of the glory tomorrow.

That would be ridiculous, and he doesn’t know what the hell he’d do if he wakes up tomorrow morning with a stiff shoulder and he’s got to get out there and play.

Sighing, Killian stretches out his legs to the seat in front of him as a whisper of wind whirls through the stadium to bring in the late October chill. He fiddles with the sleeves of his sweatshirt, pulling them down to cover his wrists where chill bumps are rising, and he wishes that he had a hat on to protect himself from weather, his ears likely red from the cold. It’s only seven in the morning, most of the stadium completely empty except for the maintenance crew and a few people in the offices, but Killian knew that this would be his only time to take it all in with no one around him.

An empty stadium is nearly as magical as a packed one.

He’s spent his entire life building up to things like this. Sure, there were times when he had other goals. He wanted to be a teacher, wanted to get his degree and help others, but that was always the fallback goal. It was never the main one.

Baseball has been his life.

Lately, though, Killian’s been thinking about life outside of the game more than ever. It’s insane because he feels like he’s one of those obnoxious people who only lives and breathes baseball all the time, especially with what’s going on right now, but his mind has managed to find a way to wander elsewhere.

There are saved searches on his phone about going back to Vanderbilt to finish his degree and a sent message in his email to an advisor asking if it would be possible for him to finish in New York instead of having to take classes in person. He hasn’t told anyone that he’s thinking about it, not yet. Telling someone makes it real, and Killian’s not entirely sure that he wants it to be real quite yet. He’s a grown ass man, but change is still terrifying when he’s grown comfortable in his life.

Baseball isn’t forever, though, and while he may still work in the sport later on, he’s not going to be someone who goes throughout his entire life living out the glory days through memory.

Tonight, might be another big moment that defines his life, but the past six months have been pretty life changing as well. Hell, the past year has been.

Things are changing in ways that he wants and ways that he doesn’t, and that’s simply how it is.

“So, we woke up at the ass crack of dawn so that you could sit out here all by yourself?”

Killian twists his head to the side to see Emma standing a few seats over dressed in a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, scarf wrapped around her neck and Yankees cap on her head. He was so wrapped up in his own mind that he didn’t even hear her move toward him.

“Hey, love,” he smiles, reaching up and holding out his hand so that the cool tip of her fingers touch his as he intertwines their fingers while she settles down into the seat next to him and props her feet up on the seat in front of her. “I told you that you didn’t have to come with me.”

Sitting here reminds him of another time in San Francisco when he put his heart on his sleeve and willingly handed it over to Emma to crush before they decided that they would give the two of them a go and simply see how things worked out. If she had said no that day, he could have listened. But damn is he glad that she said yes.

Or, well, technically, he was the one saying yes.

Either way, everything in his life shifted.

“I know, but you get all moody and introspective, and I didn’t want you psyching yourself out.”

“I would not do that.”

“You’re a liar.”

“Just a little bit.” His hand flexes against hers, shifting his fingers the slightest bit so that he can get a more comfortable grip on Emma’s hands. “What have you been doing while I’ve been sitting here being introspective and psyching myself out?”

“I was taking some pictures. It’s kind of cool to see the calm before the storm, you know? And then David called me with some work stuff and to give me shit about us making out being all over Instagram, so I sat on a bench and talked to him for awhile.”

“He called you this early? Is he crazy?” 

“I think David forgets that not everyone wakes up this early, and he has no qualms about waking me up. Usually I’m much meaner to him.”

“I’m surprised you’re not being mean to me.”

“The coffee we had at home really works wonders.”

Killian almost opens his mouth to say something about Emma referring to his apartment as home. But only almost. They’re both aware of the living situation, have joked about it to each other and others before, and they don’t need some kind of official discussion about things. It’ll all happen naturally, and when the time comes, they’ll talk about it. For now, things are perfect just as they are.  

Life has been crazy with his injury and then Walsh and Brennan and the aftermath of them being absolute assholes. It’s gotten crazier with the World Series and how much press he’s now getting, both for the games and for his relationship with Emma, much of which is now weirdly being caught on camera. All Killian really wants is a bit of normal here.

The sun continues to rise in the sky, darkness shifting into an orange glow that will eventually turn into bright sunshine that makes it difficult to see without a pair of sunglasses perched on his nose. The grass on the field is wet with condensation, water coating the blades, and if it wasn’t freezing out there, he thinks he’d go out and sit along the edge of the back wall instead of in a stadium seat.

Bringing Emma’s hand to his lips, he presses a kiss to each of her knuckles before pulling their joined hands back down to rest on his thigh.

“I think,” he starts, not entirely sure where he’s going, “that I could stay out here forever. I don’t know…maybe I feel things too deeply compared to everyone else, but this place has always felt like home. I can’t imagine what things would be like if I’d been drafted somewhere else or if I’d never been called up at all.”

She hums next to him, and Killian looks down to see Emma’s thumb rubbing across his knuckles like she always seems to do. “What’s that thing you’re always saying? There’s no such thing as ‘what ifs.’ Not in life and not in sport. What happened, happened.”

“Doesn’t keep me from wondering.”

“It doesn’t keep anyone from wondering, twenty-nine.” Her hand squeezes his again, and Killian’s mind dares to ask once more what his life would be like had he not met Emma. It’s a question he doesn’t want an answer to. “What if my parents had kept me? What if Ruth had never decided to foster a shitty teenager with an attitude issue? What if I had never met Neal or Walsh or Ruby or anyone who has impacted my life they the way they have? What if I never met you?”

“You’d be missing out on the best sex of your life.”

Emma knocks her foot into his as he snickers at his own awful joke. “You’re full of yourself.”

He shrugs. “It happens. And I know. I’m just – my stomach has been in knots over all of this for an entire month. I’m not sure my body is going to make it ten more hours. Or hell, possibly even thirty-six. I’ve had to hype myself up for all of this, and I’m a little…fuck, Swan, I’m exhausted and excited, and I’m scared I’m going to have some kind of adrenaline crash.”

It’s Emma’s turn to bring their hands together so that she can brush her lips over his knuckles. His heart stutters at the movement.

God, he loves her. It’s actually insane how much. Truly, it shouldn’t be possible.

“For one, getting up and coming to the stadium before the sun even fully rises is not something that’s going to help with your exhaustion.”

He twists his head to look at her, and she’s got mischief in her eyes and a smirk stretched across her lips that he has to kiss away. She still tastes like coffee.

“Also,” she whispers against his lips, kissing him again, “you’re not going to crash. Not yet. I know you’re really big on not riding on what happened last year, but you’ve got to do that. You’ve been through this before, and you made it. Those butterflies in your stomach are being felt by everyone who’s involved with this team, and hanging out by yourself the entire time isn’t going to help things. Why don’t we go get breakfast together? Or maybe go back to bed?”

“How about a game of catch?”

“What?” Emma laughs as she pulls back from him with furrowed brows? “I am not playing catch with you. Are we five?”

Killian shakes his head and chuckles as he stands from the seat and begins to stretch his shoulders out, letting go of Emma’s hand and rolling his shoulders back as he laughs at himself.

“We’re twenty-eight. I know you remember your birthday last week. And come on, Swan. I play a game of really expensive catch for a living. It’s part of my job to work on my arm today, just in case, and I need a practice partner.”

“That’s what Will and Eric or August are for.”

“Yeah,” he smiles, reaching forward to tug her up only for her weight to go dead so that he can’t move her, “but they’re not here. You are.”

Emma closes her gaping mouth, and her lips move in different directions while her nose scrunches up so that little crinkles appear around her eyes under the shade of her hat. “Okay, but if there’s one misogynistic quip about me throwing like a girl, I’m breaking up with you on the spot.”

“There’s nothing wrong with throwing like a girl, Swan. It’s pretty badass. But there’s something wrong with throwing like shit.”

“I’m not going to throw like shit.” Killian starts walking over the chairs, easily maneuvering through the stands with Emma following behind him. “But I ask you to remember that while I pride myself in my fitness, it’s in things like Pilates and running or boxing. It’s not in baseball. You, meanwhile, do this for a living.”

“These sound like a hell of a lot of excuses.”

“That’s because they are.”

“There’s no excuses in baseball.”

“I thought it was crying.”

“Fuck no,” Killian scoffs. “There’s a lot of crying in baseball, and anyone who tells you something different is a liar.”

“I can’t believe you just called Tom Hanks, America’s sweetheart, a liar.”

They have to go back through the tunnels to get a bucket of balls and some gloves as well as a few towels to wipe the grass in the bullpen down since it’s wet and neither of them are wearing the right shoes for this, but they do eventually get to the point where he can lightly toss the ball back and forth between the two of them. He’s not going to pitch at full speed, not until he has Will later, but it’s soothing to simply be out here getting a little movement in. He’s been back for two weeks, practicing for four, but it’s still all brand new again to him and shaded under a light that wasn’t there before.

Emma isn’t bad at all. She’s actually rather good, a natural some might say, and he jokes with her that if sports broadcasting doesn’t work out for her, she might take up a career in this. Naturally that gets him an eye roll or two, but she keeps on throwing until the sun is high in the sky and the day has truly begun.

Killian’s ready for it.

Everything seems to pass quickly then. The entirety of the Dodgers team walks out onto the field for their scheduled practice while he and Emma are still messing around in the bullpen, somewhere between still doing a bit of practice and Killian backing Emma up against the wall to make out with her. No one sees them, though, the loud blaring of music startling the two of them away from each other, and Killian presses Emma a little further into the wall while he buries his face in her neck so that he can muffle the sound of his laughter.

He’s not entirely sure that works, especially when Emma is doing the same, but they eventually manage to grab their things and slip inside so that an entire professional team isn’t aware of the fact that he was using the early morning stadium to kiss his girlfriend.

That would certainly have been something.

There is an actual practice that Killian has to attend today, an hour of which needs to be spent with him running on the treadmill and then getting massaged by Archie to work out any knots and kinks in his shoulder and to make sure that it’s not inflamed. Killian is always terrified that he’s going to be told that his shoulder is inflamed again and that he won’t be able to play on a day where he thinks he’s going to be able to. That would completely screw up the lineup, and…No, now isn’t the time to think about that.

Killian tells Emma that he’ll see her later, that he’ll probably come bother her wherever the network has her sitting even though he’s splitting the time in the game between the dugout, the clubhouse, and the suite where his family is going to be sitting. She has to go home and get ready for the day, and even if she didn’t, he very much doubts that she’d like to stick around and watch him run.

And then they’re both off.

Let the game begin.

-/-

“Are you guys going to win today?”

Now, that’s the question of the day, isn’t it?

Killian looks down at Roland who is dressed in head to toe Yankees gear, all his dad’s of course, and there’s a nervous smile on the kid’s face. Roland is almost never nervous. He has that childlike faith in everything even with all of the tragedy in his life of having lost his mom, and he nearly always believes that things are going to work out. There’s no good or bad, just the belief that things will work out the way you want them to simply by the power of wanting them to.

If only it were that simple.

“I don’t know, lad,” Killian answers honestly as he reaches down to pick Roland up, easily putting him on his shoulders as Killian walks him down the hallways to the suite he’s staying in for the game. Roland was in the clubhouse for all of the pre-game celebrations, and the kid heard and saw things that he probably didn’t need to hear for several more years.

A decade, really. Maybe two.

Yeah, definitely two decades. There was some creative swearing.

“Why not?”

“Well, because we can’t predict the future, and the other team is really good too.”

“But I want to win.”

“Me too,” he sighs as he pushes open the doors to lead to the suites. “And everyone is going to try their best. But you know what?” “What?”

“I think if you cheer extra hard, it might help your dad out, okay? He might lose because the other team is good, but you’ve got to cheer him on no matter what.”

Roland’s ankles hit against Killian’s collarbone, and Killian pretends that the bony lad doesn’t hurt like hell when he hits him. “I can cheer really  loud. Like, Grandma says that it makes her ears hurt.”

“If you’re not making Grandma’s ears hurt, you’re not cheering loud enough.”

That sentence pretty much sums up why he’s the best uncle in the world, Killian thinks. It’s basically the equivalent of giving kids a pint of ice cream right before they go back to their parents.

Killian pushes open the suite doors and ducks down underneath them so that he doesn’t knock Roland out. Everyone is situated on the couches and around the tables in front of the TV, and no one pays him any mind as he puts Roland down so that he can run to where Addy, Lucy, and Leo are. He imagines that between the four of them, they’re going to make everyone’s ears hurt from their screaming.

Maybe Killian will go spend time sitting in the dugout instead of in here, but it’s a long game. He’s got time to move around as long as he does make time to study Robin’s throwing patterns against each batter.

“Hey,” he murmurs to Elsa in the kitchen area while she pops a chip into her mouth. “I don’t know that it’s good that you’re playing hooky from work and letting the girls do the same with school.”

“Shut up,” she says in between crunchy bites of food, her hand covering her mouth. “You think that joke is funny every time, but it’s not.”

“It is.” Killian dips his head down and presses a kiss to Elsa’s cheek. “But I fully approve of the skipping work thing, especially when your husband’s lazy ass took the entire week off.”

“He’s supporting his baby brother.” 

“Younger, Els. Younger. I don’t need you encouraging that.”

Her bottom lip sticks out. “But it’s so fun to see your ears get all red with embarrassment.” 

“Every single thing I’ve ever said about me being glad to have an older sister in you and Anna? Yeah, I’m taking all of those back.”

“You can’t.” She swipes another chip through the dip. “They’ve been said, and I keep them all in my heart right next to where Addy told me that even if she got to choose her mom, she’d still choose me.”

“Classy.”

“I know,” Elsa laughs. “Where’s your better half?”

“She’s working.” Killian pinches his brows together. “So we’re not even going to pretend that I could possibly be the better half?”

“Nope. Just like Liam isn’t the better half either. And don’t make some quip about being equals. Just let me have this. I’m already stress eating chips.” He laughs while reaching forward to drag the bowl away from Elsa so that she can’t eat anymore, but she doesn’t let him, grabbing onto it and pulling it back. “I didn’t say to stop me. World Series week is like the holidays. The calories don’t count until my jeans feel a little snug next week.”

“Ahh,” Killian sighs in understanding. “That’s likely a good thing for how many baked goods I’ve sent your way.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be in the dugout?” Ariel questions as she steps up to them with her glass of water in her hand. “It’s kind of a big game.”

“It’s also kind of the top of the first inning, and I’m not playing.”

“Excuses.”

“A legitimate one. How’re you holding up, A?”

She waves him away and reaches for the pitcher of water. “I’m fine. Eric is the nervous wreck. I have enough confidence in you guys that I won’t worry until, you know, we’re losing.”

“Only worrying when we’re losing? What kind of method is that? You have to worry all the damn time.”

“That’s how you have a heart attack, and I have not suffered eating healthily and exercising so much to have a heart attack this young.”

“This is where Liam would tell you that it can happen to anyone in any age.”

“Where is Liam?” Killian questions as he looks around the suite for his brother only to have him nowhere to be seen.

“He and David are sitting in David’s regular seats because David was complaining about Mary Margaret and Leo not wanting to use them. I imagine he’ll be up here soon when he realizes how expensive food is to buy.”

“They’re such old men.”

“Says the man who was wearing a sweater while drinking a cup of tea and reading in his apartment last night instead of coming out to dinner with all of us.”

Killian sputters a bit as he narrows his eyes at Ariel. “First of all, there is nothing wrong with doing any of that. Second of all, how could you possibly know that?”

Ariel shrugs, mischief in all of her features. “Emma sent it in the group text.”

Of course she did. A man can’t even relax in his own home without being called out for it.

“Who is in this group text exactly?”

“Oh, just me, Elsa, Anna, and Belle. Don’t worry. Not everyone gets to see the embarrassing pictures of you drooling in your sleep.”

He’s going to kill Emma.

Or get his revenge. Somewhere in between those two.

There’s a loud groan from everyone watching the game, and that’s when Killian is reminded that there’s a game going on. He didn’t know that he could possibly forget, but apparently being teased about how he spends his nights will let him do that. When he sees what’s happening out on the field, though, Killian wishes that he’d been able to completely and totally forget about the game.

There are three men on base for the Dodgers, only one out, and one of their best hitters is up to bat.

Fuck.

This is not a good start.

This is a long game, but bad starts can change the momentum of absolutely everything. It gets in everyone’s head. The losing team is convinced that they’re going to lose, that they can’t come back from this, and the team that’s ahead gets all the belief in the world with their abilities.

Momentum shifts are everything, and it’s not time for the momentum to shift. Not yet.

And yet it does.

Robin throws what Killian knows is a good fastball and Rob’s specialty, but Stewart hits a sharp line drive down past third base that Arthur doesn’t get to. By the time that he does, the Dodgers already have two runs, Stewart is on second, and Ferguson is sliding into home before the ball can get there.

0-3 for the Dodgers eleven minutes in.

Shit.

Now it’s time for Ariel and everyone else to get nervous.

And it never gets better. Not really. There are times and chances and shots that have Killian grabbing onto his hair in frustration, but nothing comes of it. Nothing at all. Every single time there’s a real chance, something happens: the Dodgers have an unbelievable get, someone fumbles when the Yankees should have an easy chance at a double play, or every single person somehow forgets how to hit.

Until they don’t.  

Because now it’s the bottom of the ninth, and after an absolutely incredible eighth inning, it’s now 7-9.

They’re only down by two runs.

(Two runs.)

Killian is pacing back and forth in the dugout now exhausting every bit of emotional energy he has left in him. He left the suite the moment that first inning was over, texting Emma and Liam that there’d been a change of plans and he wouldn’t be meeting up with them after all. There was no way that he was going to be anywhere other than with his team when things were going to hell.

Being two runs behind is both nothing and everything.

There have been plenty of times when they’ve come back from a deficit like this. There have been plenty more when they’ve blown a two-run lead. And yet, like fifty-five thousand people in this stadium know, this isn’t any other game. This is The Game, and they’re closing in on the golden hour of chances.

It’s win now or come back tomorrow for one last chance of glory or crushing defeat.

Best of seven means nothing when there’s the possibility of there only being one game left.

“You’re going to exhaust yourself if you don’t sit down,” Robin tells him from his seat behind him on the bench.

Will has just stepped up to home plate, his bat in hand and feet in position, and Killian can’t breathe. His lungs have stopped taking in air.

“How could you possibly be sitting down for this? Is your blood not on fire?”

“I just pitched five innings, mate. My adrenaline high is gonedown. I’m exhausted.”

The ball is launched through the air toward Will, and Killian immediately knows that he shouldn’t take a swing at it.

He does.

Strike one.

“Shit,” Killian murmurs, kicking his foot at a water cup on the ground. “Shit, shit, shit.”

“You’re going to give yourself a heart attack.”

“Funny, Fisher, I told your wife the same thing. Aren’t you supposed to be warming up?”

Killian doesn’t even have to look to know that Eric is rolling his eyes. “I’m grabbing my stuff to do just that.” There’s a warm hand on Killian’s back, and he turns to look at it just as a “ball” is called. “Take some deep breaths, man. We’ve got this.”

“Aye,” Killian sighs, “we’ve got this.”

Strike two.

“Shit.”

Ball two.

Ball three.

Foul ball.

Killian’s phone buzzes in his back pocket, and he opens it up to see Emma’s name.

Emma: They’re having to censor you on television right now.

Emma: Just thought you might want to know that. Literally every time they show the dugout, you’re cursing. Ruby is getting a kick out of it.

Killian moves to text her back, to say something witty in response, but then the wood of Will’s bat is making contact with the ball and it’s flying gone, gone, gone…

Until it’s caught in the outfield.

Out one.

“Fuck.”

They’ve still got a shot. They have to. And as much as Killian hates cheering for Arthur King and hates that he only got a monetary fine for what he said to Emma and about her, he’s exactly who Killian has to cheer for now as Arthur hits a line drive that enables him to get on first base.

That’s progress.

It’s even more progress when Eric hits a triple sending Arthur into home.

8-9.

Holy fuck.

They might do this. They just might.

Killian still can’t breathe, but this is obviously his natural state now. This is how he’s going to have to live out the rest of his life.

Emma: Okay, now I understand all of the cursing. I’m freaking out.

Killian: Me too. We make quite the pair.

Emma: The best pair. It’s all going to be okay, twenty-nine.

He smiles down at his phone, his lungs taking in a bit of air at that.

Killian: It will be. I love you.

Killian: A frankly ridiculous amount.

“Out,” the umpire yells, and Killian immediately rests his head against the dugout railing, his nails digging into the hem of his sweatshirt as sweat drips down his back even with the late October chill whipping through the stadium as the night fully comes into effect, the sun long since gone.

Out two.

“For fuck’s sake,” Al yells, throwing his hat to the ground and slapping his hand against the railing. “Why would you swing at that, Whale? You could have fucking walked, and then we’d have two men on base with one out. That changes everything.”

It’s not Whale’s fault. It’s not. He messed up, sure, but it’s a team effort. Killian doesn’t always believe that when he’s the one pitching. It’s hard to get that out of your head when you’re being yelled at by managers and fans and people online sending death threats, but it’s true. It’s not one person out there even when it feels like it.

Killian’s going to have to remind himself of that tomorrow.

No.

He can’t go there. They’re not going to play tomorrow. Booth is up to bat, and he’ll get Eric home. Then it’ll be tied up, and they’ll have their shot to close this out right here and right now.

Hope bubbles up in Killian’s chest, his throat closing up with excitement and anticipation, and that lack of breathing thing comes back again as his knuckles go white from the strength of his grip on the railing. When he looks to the right, he sees that Robin’s knuckles are just the same.

They might do this.

Roland and Addy have to be screaming their heads off up in the suite. Killian almost wants to text Elsa or Liam to see what’s happening, but his eyes are glued to the field as August swings his bat at the very first ball.

It’s a fucking foul.

Strike one.

“Come on Booth,” Will shouts out, clapping his hands together. “You’ve got it, man. Be smart about it.”

“I’m not entirely sure that’s helping, Scarlet.”

“It is, Professor Jones. I’m a great motivational speaker.”

Killian’s lips stretch into a smile, a bit of calm returning, until the ball flies from the mound again, whipping through the air and curving into the strike zone at the last minute.

August doesn’t swing.

Strike two.

The stadium absolutely erupts then, hands clapping together and feet hitting against the floor while thousands of people scream, a mix of cheers and boos for August. If anyone can handle this kind of pressure, can handle the weight of world on his shoulders and the pressure, it’s August.

Pressure is a privilege.

He’s likely not feeling too privileged right now.

And as suddenly as the noise started, it calms down. While there are still people talking and cheering and making all kinds of noise, Killian can’t focus on any of it. All he can focus on is what’s right in front of him.

One. Two. Three.

Foul.

One. Two. Three.

Foul.

Killian’s stomach flips, his entire hand going white, and Will is grabbing onto Killian’s forearm so tightly that he could break the bone there.

One.

Two.

Three.

There’s a thwack of ball against Booth’s back, and it absolutely flies into the air. It’s flying, and Killian nearly jumps out of the dugout to get a better view of where it’s going. It’s got to be a home run. It’s got to be. That’s where it’s headed, and Killian’s arms break out in gooseflesh beneath the thick material of his sweatshirt.

They’re about to win the fucking World Series for the second time in a row.

Holy shit.

But then the ball dips.

It dips, right at the line of the back fence, and the ball is caught.

The. Ball. Is. Caught.

The ball is caught, Booth is out, and the game is over.

And just like the ball, Killian’s mood dips, every high hope crashing down around him and weighing down on his shoulders while his stomach flips before everything heavily settles in its place. This isn’t how today was supposed to end. They were supposed to come back from their bad start. They were supposed to win.

They didn’t, though. They lost, and even though Killian tries to be encouraging to everyone around him as they all finish up their post-game on-field routines, in his head he knows that they’ve only got one more shot at this.

They’ve got one more shot, and a lot of it is resting in the palm of his hands. Killian has been a screw up for this team so many times before, and he doesn’t know if he can do that again.

He can’t let everyone down again.

The mood is subdued in the clubhouse as everyone strips out of their clothes, just a constant murmuring of curses and complaints. Even Al is quiet when he’d usually be fired up yelling at everyone, a combination of disbarring comments and encouragements, and that may be the most shocking part of it all.

Reporters begin to fill the room as well as agents and wives and the occasional child, and Killian sits in his locker with his head between his legs taking several deep breaths to calm himself down. His heart is beating far too quickly. It’s thumping in between his ears, and that’s not how it’s supposed to be.

It’s simply not.

“Hey.”

The voice is soft and very much Emma’s, and Killian looks up to see her softly smiling down at him, Jeff no longer trailing behind her with his camera.

The smile that stretches across his lips is forced and half-assed, and he knows that Emma can tell. She steps in between his knees so that his head rests against her stomach while her hands brush through his sweaty hair. They don’t say anything else, simply stay there together while Killian breathes in the scent of Emma’s perfume on her sweater and shivers run down his spine at her touch.

He is undeniably a fan of every part of her, but being able to simply be, to exist, with her is one of his favorites. There’s nothing quite so soothing as knowing the person you love will always be by your side no matter what happens.

They lost. They did. It’s what happened, and there’s no changing it.

Tomorrow is the last chance.

It all comes down to the last one.

-/-

-/-

Tag list: @onepunintendid​ @authorarsinoe​ @stunningswan​ @eala-captian @galaxyzxstark @xellewoods @mariakov81 @ultraluckycatnd @royalswan @shey-starsfury​ @superchocovian​ @sals86 @iam2307 @ashley-knightingale @karenfrommisthaven @scientificapricot @captswanis4vr @ultimiflos @jamif @idristardis @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @tiganasummertree @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @notoriouscs @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog​ @cs-forlife @andiirivera @jonirobinson64 @qualitycoffeethings​ @carpedzem​ @tornadoamy​

[jokeringcutio]

Debunking Arthur Fleck Fluff HC’s

As a reply to questions I have received about Arthur’s ideal partner, his mental state, living with him, and much more, here’s a little background to the darkness in my tales and some thoughts on the matters.

Oh, look, he’s so sweet. So romantic. Such a good boy. He would be such a great boyfriend, such a good partner, such a nice protective father. He just needs cuddles and lots of love.

Welcome to my *essay*.   Ever wondered why my depiction of Arthur Fleck is as gritty and dark as it is in some of my recent fics? Oh yes, I have written fluff and kind fics as well. But here are some reasons why I think that if Arthur Fleck were real, you’d better seek yourself a different guy to fall in love with.

Hold your horses:

1. Arthur Fleck’s mental health issue. 2. He is unpredictable. 3. He doesn’t see reality. 4. His humour is dangerous. 5. You would be emotionally and physically drained. 6. He murders people, including his own mother. What guarantee do you have he won’t kill you or your child? 7. And would you truly want a man like that to be the father of your children?

Warnings: This post contains sensitive content, such as topics of self-harm. Be aware of this and decide whether you wish to continue reading or click this away. This is purely explaining my own experiences and how they effect my view, explaining rather than convincing you how I got to this point of view I use in some of my darker fics.

My main points: 

Let’s break it down.

1. Arthur has a real bad mental health issue, which is said to involve self-harm, negative thinking, hurting himself, hurting others, having delusions. Now why would that be a bad thing that you can’t overcome? - I’ve seen a large amount of Joker fans on Tumblr thinking that if they were there, they could help fix Arthur. And perhaps, they could. If they can, Arthur would not transform into Joker. But realistically, he would still need to take his medicine every day to keep his mindset as docile as it is at the start of the film. _ > Dangers: People who are on meds for their mental health have the tendency to, once they feel normal and happy, stop using their medicines and have a relapse. Which is very hard to see and you will have to use all your energy to help them back on track. _> A medicine can stop working. A mum of a friend of ours had this happen to her, where she became immune to her meds and had tried so many, some being taken off the market, others losing their effect after months or years of usage. She was tired of having to go through the whole process of finding a new one that worked. When it stopped being effective, she killed herself. _> A medicine can be taken off market. And whenever something happens to the meds, will your love be enough to keep Arthur standing tall? Because it might be bad luck, but the instances I have seen where people have had a serious case of reoccurring depression, or borderline syndrome, it always ended with the loved ones, despite giving it their all (their time, losing their jobs loving and taking care of them, their money, all of their possessions, their body and their soul, giving up friendships, other family members and what not), only to end up with it never being enough. That is to say, yes, there are many different mental conditions and each has different levels  of severity. That is to say, every level can be severe, but while some give hope that the person suffering from it can function normally, or can find happiness, I think with all that the film has shown us, Arthur is at such a stage that we can assume it will not be cured miraculously. And you should wonder if anything you do could ever be enough.

2 & 3. He’s unpredictable. 

This is part of his mental health issue. He has delusions as we noticed from the film. He doesn’t see reality. He imagines an entire relationship with his neighbour, who makes it quite clear she hardly knows the guy.

_> Danger: No matter what you do, you have no grip on the image he has of you in his mind. His reality differs from whatever it is you do. It will put you in immediate danger. -- Now why is this a terrible, terrible problem? Someone very close to me has mental issues and delusions. So I have first-hand experience. It is frightening! For years on end I have been careful about what to say, never to say something that will upset them, always say yes to whatever suggestion they give. Even if it ruins your own life. Even if they tell you all sorts of things that are wrong with you, or with people you love. You accept it out of fear because they are so instable and you want to help them forward. To give them the space they need, to look after them in times of need. And it is FRIGHTENING. Because this person I know changes personalities as well. In a way that we can argue Arthur changes personalities when he becomes Joker, but this person I know has over ten personalities and you never know who is coming out next. One personality is capable of doing normal grown-up things, the next is a small child, but all of them are angry, jealous and mean. -> Which is a big difference with Arthur. Let me make it clear now, I don’t think Arthur falls in this multiple personality disorder category. There’s a clear transition between him and Joker, possibly helped by the lack of medicine available and the effects of it waning. Arthur is unstable and unreliable because of what his own mind makes him perceive, not necessarily for being different personalities in one body.

To expand on my personal experience: This person imagines the weirdest and scariest things and to them, this is reality. Now this person is a very extreme case I won’t expand on, but they see things that didn’t happen. In a quiet room, they imagine a fight. People talking about the weatherforecast are in their mind plotting this persons death. Someone showing kindness is often in their mind someone doing something horrid or lewd and they can flip about it and shout, and throw stuff, and cause a whole scene. 

So yes, no matter how kind you will be to Arthur Fleck, if his reality of you watching television is a contorted delusion of you telling him you want to walk out on him, and he places you inside his ‘bad people’ box, you might be up next for the chop. It’s how family drama’s occur, it’s one of the reasons why some people kill their loved ones because they don’t want them to get together with someone else, or live without them. Only, you don’t even have to actually want to walk away from him. He just needs to imagine it and your safety is gone. Another thing I like to think this person I know and Arthur might have in common is the obsessive and possessive way they would deal with partners. This person slowly made a web around their partner, isolating them from friends and family, making them even have to give up their job for them. They control their mobile, their email, stalk them online, send messages out of their partner’s name. Nothing that reaches the partner hasn’t run by this person, and this person takes their partner out of groups without telling them. They control everything of this persons live, and it grew so silently, so slowly, that the partner didn’t notice until it was too late. And now the partner doesn’t care. No one matters to them, no one except this person who they try with all their might to keep happy.. Which is incredibly sad. Because we can see the partner fading away, ill, unwell, with little to no joy left. And that is the bleak reality I have been faced with and still am faced with. And which I can’t ignore when looking at Arthur. The idea that he too could and would slowly create a web around the one who has taken his fancy, isolates them, makes them dependant and care only for his well-being.  4. A sign why he is dangerous. His jokes include murder, giving a glimpse of his brain. And though some might find his morbid humour funny, how would you feel if you were happily married, had a beautiful son you loved dearly, and someone would say “knock knock, your son is dead” and hold up the dead body of your son. Because think about it, his humour isn’t just humour. His humour is part of his fantasy, it is part of what he starts doing. It is a mirror of the darkness in his mind. And we have seen reasons why the murders he commit can be ‘justified’. But if you have to be realistic, can any murder be justified? A murder is still a murder, still bad. He still kills people. People we happen to know little about except that they took the piss off someone (or did they? read the note underneath this paragraph). But they have family members, friends, a mother and father. They have people who love them, who wait for them at home. How would you feel if your child, your brother or sister, your best friend, your lover, would not arrive home one day because someone thought they were bad because they ...let’s say... accidentally bumped against them in the street, or happened to look them in the eye, and were killed for it because the one they bumped against or looked at thought it was his right to do so. You would not laugh about it. You would be fucking livid.

- note: As the film is an account by Arthur, do we even know if the guys on the train actually abused him? What if they were just minding their own business and Arthur imagined being struck down by them? I mean, we do see bruises on his body, but it is his ambiguous account. Has anyone considered the possibility that the abuses took all place in Arthur’s head and he killed these men because of his own fantasy running wild and dark and morbid? I don’t think it went this way (I mean, there’s the textual evidence of Arthur having been abused in the past and what-not), but suppose for a moment that even that evidence is what came from his mind as he tells the tale, his reality. In a way we can’t trust anything that we’ve seen in the film..... 5. Ever lived with a borderliner? Then you will know how draining it is emotionally and physically. (Now, if you are diagnosed or consider yourself a borderliner don’t instantly take offence. I am talking about severe cases here, and as always there are gradations. And I do hope for you and everyone who loves you that your gradation isn’t as bad as the one I am about to describe. And if it feels it is, know you ARE LOVED.) Because if you know Borderliners you know this: They are usually the most glorious people you’ll ever meet. They shine bright, you can’t help but to instantly fall in love with them. And as such, I have never understood why they feel the need to be this self-destructive or why they never seem to understand how much they hurt all those around them who love them. But I’m not here to dwell on the hows and why’s and my own thoughts and experiences in this. I bring this up because people who are self-destructive, they suck the energy out of their loved ones. Or rather, if you love someone who wants to hurt themselves, it is emotionally draining. Because every time they want to hurt themselves, it feels like you failed, like you are not enough to them either. You can try to help them, keep them on track, and they can use your energy to keep standing. And with some people it works, with others unfortunately not as much. But now take Arthur Fleck who is an extreme case. He wants to hurt himself as well. You need to keep in mind that you will have to use every trick up your sleeve to stop him. Often. It can be little things as well. It can just be that he feels down and you have to tell him things to make him see the bright side again. But keep in mind, this won’t be once. This might be several times a day. It can be he has had a delusion that upsets him. You will have to put time and energy in to get him out of his dark mindset continuously. And if he’s anything like people I have experienced in the past, you might expect for him to bring extra drama when you’ve gone out and have a fun day, or part of a day, without him. Because he will be jealous, or feel left out, and he will probably have ruined the pans in the kitchen and burnt his own food and without words show you that you actually can’t leave. He might make hurtful or embarrassing comments when other people are around and his behaviour might scare of others, slowly isolating you from your friends. Until you are dependent on him, and constantly busy with him. And constantly trying to help him exist, and be sort of normal and sort of happy. Or in the worst case, you are constantly trying to keep all triggers away that will make him relapse and fall back into his dark thoughts. From experience, you’d think no one can handle that for long. But reality is that quite often, they persist, because they love the other THAT MUCH. Even if the one they love doesn’t understand, doesn’t seem to see, how much they sacrifice for them. But almost always they stick together till the end. And people can last for years like this. Years and years. It would count for you too.  Once you’re in, you don’t want to get out because of your love for him. But you are constantly tired, you are isolated, you miss all the opportunities life offers you, you are always setting aside everything to make sure Arthur won’t flip. And even then, he flips. Constantly. But you don’t see how odd the live is that you stumbled into. After several years of slowly slipping into this life, you don’t see reality anymore. You don’t see what you miss. You are just surviving. And taking his hand to survive along.

That is what I have seen and still see. That is the basis on which I analyse a character like Arthur Fleck. That is why I can’t imagine you could have a truly happy ever after with him. 6. But worse than what I am witnessing in real-life, where the person I know who reminds me of Arthur’s mental quirks a lot is known for talking about murder, is the fact that we know Arthur Fleck is actually capable of it. And we also know that no matter what you do, if something in his brain makes the flip and he suddenly thinks bad of you, you might be up the chopping block next. This has nothing to do with whether or not he loves you. At this point we assume his love for you is real, it is strong, it is probably a lot like an obsession because once he has found you he doesn’t want to let you go again. And if he so much suspects you want to leave him, he might just make the choice that you won’t get away from him. Or if he thinks you have turned against him, what then? So consider this, are you truly save with this man? Because I don’t think you are. 7. Now, you have chosen to risk all above. You help Arthur take his meds and they work. He is sort of stable. He has his occasional sudden outbreaks where he is upset, tries to harm himself, laughs uncontrollably, and if he’s fine he makes morbid jokes. And you want a family with him because hormones and all of that stuff. Now imagine you are a child and you grow up in this small flat. Imagine it like this: You grow up. Now replace Arthur as your father with someone you don’t find physically attractive. Replace him with your own real life dad for instance. Imagine that you are born from your actual parents, but you live in a crappy small flat and your father wastes his money mostly on cigarettes (so the place stinks, but hey, if you can stand it kuddos). Imagine that your father has this laugh like Arthur, whenever he is upset. It comes out at random and sometimes unexpected times. And since you grew up with it, it frightens you, because it means your father is either sad or angry. And a kid’s initial reaction is they want their parents to be happy, so if a parent cries they cry along. It’s imbedded in children. Your father being upset upsets you too. He’s unpredictable and suffers from moodswings. One moment, he smiles at you and says he is proud of something you did, the next he is angry and shouting. Sometimes he snaps at you for something you didn’t do. A lot of the times he ignores you as he’s caught up in his own mind.  When you are smaller, it is easier for him to be around you and he doesn’t show his ugly side as much, but when you grow older it gets worse. He is so familiar with you and your mom that he shows his bad side, his sadness, his irrational side, all of it, whenever he wants to. How will that make you feel? Scared? Uncertain? Not worthy perhaps, because of the way he snaps at you and blames you for things you didn’t do? Scared to say the wrong thing, to react in the wrong way. But as you grow up you discover that there is no right way to say things. When he is in one of his moods whatever you say is wrong, because a lot of the things are going on in his mind and he won’t or can’t share them with you. Sometimes you think he doesn’t like you because he’s distant, you can’t get him to respond to you and you might think he ignores you. He puts a lot of attention on himself with his unpredictable mood changes and the way he can be very dramatic about wanting to die, which can come out of nowhere and gives you the feeling you, as a kid, are not good enough. And it SUCKS. It sucks to feel that way. To be scared of your own parent all of the time. To be scared of what you say to him, what you do.

But the bright side, when you grow older you recognise parts of him in you. And if you can get through to him, he will recognise them too. And when you reach your twenties you’ll be able to talk. At first, it won’t be easy. But when it is, it is because you say you understand how he feels and you describe it to him so well, he believes you are pretty much a failure like him. He will say so in his own words. And you will accept it, but you won’t think you are a failure. Not anymore. Because you learnt how upsetting his behaviour can be, and you’re determined not to be that way. You show some of the symptoms, but not nearly as bad as him. And he reflects himself on you, thinks you are worse than you are, sees himself when he looks at you and takes it for a fact. Another of his delusions in which you play along because finally, finally, you two can connect.

You’d be so thrilled to leave the house and move to a place of your own.

Anyway.

 TLDR;   

-        Accept the fact that you can’t change Arthur, which also means you can’t erase his negative thoughts.

-        Would you be safe in this relationship? If you can’t control the reality he makes in his mind, and he actually starts murdering people, who can guarantee he won’t kill you next?

-        Even if you don’t care dying by his hands, the relationship will probably be physically and emotionally draining for you.

-        Still want to settle down? Do the test: Imagine your own father in Arthur’s role, behaving his way.

 In conclusion: I don’t think anyone would live a happy live with Arthur Fleck. I think probably the most stable relationship, that will last the longest and have some semblance of a happy life, would be with a partner who is quiet, innocent, unexperienced, and who would sacrifice everything to keep him from tumbling into his dark mind. And he will tumble, even with all the best efforts. And it will still be a tiring, numbing and draining experience. But such relationships do exist in the real world, and unfortunately, I am still witnessing one that has been going on for years. And that’s why, I can’t see, from this distance, how anyone would be happy with the character of Arthur Fleck. He is too far gone. On the aspect of love: I feel I need to make it clear that love is, in all cases above, not a point of issue. Love will not diminish because someone has troubles of body or mind. For this, I imagined the love between Arthur and the other, both-sided. And no matter the hardships, I believe that once love is there it won’t falter. By the way he might ensnare you it might even feel as if it’s deepened, strengthened. And if you recognise yourself in some of the points I have mentioned above but struggle with yourself or your feelings, then know that no matter what ails you, there will always be someone who can love you, and health issues don’t equal the end of relationships. Not at all. From what I have seen, most partners stick by their loved one till the end. So don’t ever think that you could not find love for having a ‘fault’, or for simply being somehow different.

On my personal view of Arthur: He is still hot as f*ck though and I understand fully why people wanna tap that arse >) Arthur Fleck is a character that has not only his appearance going for him, but also all the mystery and complexity that make him interesting to write, read and fantasize about. Joaquin brought something alluring to the character, not just by the dubious glances and the paradoxical character he is playing (sweet and helpful caretaker versus revenge seeking murderclown), but the fraility of his character, both his emaciated body and his compassionately brought complicated emotions, are enough to lure anyone in. Because he makes us believe he is vulnerable. And he makes us want to get out there and hug him. While at the same time, all of us know that he can stand up for himself and that he is stronger than you would have given him credit for at the start of the film. And I believe, his character of Arthur Fleck / Joker would be stronger than most of us clown lovers. But that will not detain me. And I will continue to write about him doing smutty things and stuff, just because I can. And I will fantasize good things happening to him, and him being fluffy and ok as well, and write that down too. But in reality, we all know it probably wouldn’t be ok. Hence why I bestow you a few Dark Arthur Fics to balance against the pile of fluff I occassionally drown myself in. We can’t take just the good side of him, when there’s the complicated less prettier side to take into account as well. And perhaps, perhaps I can show us that we can love him for it just the same. We’ll see....

. . . .

And now I pose the question to you: We base a lot in life on assumptions. We are extra sensitive to the emotions of those we love the most. Keeping all this in mind, Can you truly be happy with Arthur Fleck?

[azaleablue]

Believing Lila Rossi

One of the reasons I hate all the “how could anyone believe Lila” stuff is because I WAS LILA. I hated myself so much, and I would lie to people I wanted to like me to get them to find me interesting because I didn’t think I was. I’ve told worse lies than what Lila said and people still trusted me; I never bullied anyone or threatened anyone because of it, but you would be surprised to see what people will believe. I’ll give you an example of a REAL story that some people still believe.

Me: *To my drama teacher* Oh yeah, I competed nationally at musical theatre and placed highly and did a performance in front of hundreds of people. (Note: Mostly fake. I did do singing competitions, but they were all local and I never placed).

Drama Teacher: Oh wow that’s really cool, maybe you could do it in front of the class one day.

Me: At some point maybe, I’d love to!!

(Day Rolls around)

DT: Blue would you like to maybe sing for the class today? I think they’d love to hear you considering you placed nationally and all.

Rest of class: Oh wow, please do!

Me: (Lying) I’m so sorry DT, I can’t sing today as my voice teacher asked me to save my voice for a competition I have this weekend.

(Later)

Popular Senior: WOW you must be so talented to have placed that highly.

Me: I guess you could say that, I’ve just been practicing for a while that’s all.

Him: I wish I could hear you sing sometime.

Me: (Lying) Actually, one of the national competitions I placed at had me do a recording that they went and put on Spotify.

Him: Oh my god, that’s so cool, could you please play it for me

Me: Of course! *Plays “all grown up” from Bare recorded in 2008* (Note: I was 6 in 2008)

Him: You should so try out for the musical, this is so incredible, I can’t believe this is you! (It wasn’t)

Me: oh yeah, I’m actually the debate captain (Note: This is actually true: I had been in that club for years and actually did that competitively and placed well, never at national tournaments though, still working on that!) so I don’t have time anymore. I did audition for the play a few times and never got a callback.

He then, being a popular senior and often casted in the show, begins to argue with the drama teacher on my behalf because I was “The best singer in the school” despite the fact that he had never heard me actually sing.

People tend to be trusting, especially with people they believe to mean well and when the lies are harmless. If I were to full on accuse someone of cheating, they would check it I agree, but if there was evidence and they think I mean well, no one would second guess it. Common sense is not as common as you think it is. At this point, everyone trusts Lila and they don’t believe that she would ever mean harm to anyone, so what they are doing matches with what I have seen in the past. The reason that you guys think it is is because you have confirmation bias, you know that they’re lies and so your brain will connect the dots that prove your confirmed belief, but if we take that away and put you in one of the classmates postition’s, you might just believe Lila after all. People who are way smarter than I ever will be beloved that crazy lie that I told, and still do to this day. While it is a kids show so it’s a little over exaggerated, there are some things you’d believe that, in hindsight, you would see not to be true.

I very personally hated how the show treated Lila, I was like her because I wanted to make friends, but I would never have tried to hurt anyone like she had with Marinette. If someone exposed me like the way that ladybug did to her with Adrien, I would certainly have a problem with them and not immediately forgive them after they had hurt me badly on lies that were in no way harmful to them. I don’t really understand why people had expected her to forgive ladybug, it was messed up what she did and Lila had a right to be angry toward her after that point, but I would never work with someone to attempt to bring them down through any means possible.

TL;DR: Common sense is not as common as you think. People believe more than you think that you would, and you probably have to. I was like Lila and I hate the way the show treats her because a liar doesn’t necessarily mean a person that is cruel at heart.

(Yes this post was originally just a reblog, but I wanted it to have its own post)

[newfeel91]

As well as we learn those patterns as children and in adolescent years, I don't think there's a decade as definite as your 20's. Every experience is fresh, the drama of high school is left behind, and you're beginning to blossom into the person you were supposed to be. But it will make or break your financial success.

That's why it's so beneficial to understand these 7 habits right now — so they can replace negative thoughts before it's too late. But even when you've passed the 30 mark and beyond, there's still hope! Employ these same rules, and you will easily turn your journey into one of success.

Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

1. Learn How to Cook

And if you haven't grown up knowing how to prepare easy recipes, it's time to get a cookbook, browse Pinterest, and master the basics right now.

Having food at home is going to be hands down cheaper than going out, and it will have the most effect on your spending. As a 20-something, I know how fast it is to get a burger out of the drive-thru or survive off the delivery of pizza, but you can make food that's just as yummy and convenient with a few basic ingredients.

When you have the hang of cooking, you can start preparing your menus in advance, and even try your hand at the fridge.

2. Learn How to Budget NOW

Even if you've never set up a working budget before, now is the best time to get started! Budgeting can sound restricting, but it really isn't. Instead, this habit gives you the right to tell your money where it should go, and it also allows you to spend beyond your means.

If you're new to the entire budgeting idea, but a easy explanation is to write down all the costs that you actually have, and find out how much you need per paycheck to finance them. Then you should use a cash envelope or computer device to watch what you're spending on.

If you have money left over from this exercise, it's always nice to start planning for the long term and pay down any outstanding debt that we'll cover next!

3. Continue to Educate Yourself

I've come to understand that constant learning is incredibly necessary when attempting to live a frugal lifestyle. There's still something new to do, or useful advice to listen to from people who've already been there.

It's quick to hide behind pride and believe we've worked out this whole "life thing," but it's all right to admit that you don't. In reality, you're going to be valued even more if you don't try to get the answers for anything.

Encircle yourself with friends who inspire you, as well as older people that push you. Subscribe to financial planning blogs and frugal lifestyle blogs and search out a few money-related books in the library.

4. Save on a Long Term

The 20's are indeed a wonderful time to think of the career and what lies ahead of you. Would you like to buy a house? Maybe you're investing in a rental property? See the universe, huh? Buy a more powerful vehicle, huh? Start stashing your savings money away? Anything you like, you need to write down these targets, and then save to make them possible.

Be diligent and live as frugally as you can to save money for the things you really want. And even if retirement feels miles away, putting any extra you can to a 401 K or IRA account will finally pay off.

5. Invest in Quality Items

Although living frugally is a must, there are certain things you either don't want to buy cheaply, or you're practically paying double, even triple over time for things that don't last.

An example of this would have been a automobile. Paying $2,000 or less for a clunker might sound fair, but how much would you end up paying to repair all those costly parts in the long run? It's always safer to do some homework and find a decent car that's going to last you past the 200,000 mile mark.

The same goes with appliances in your home — looking for energy-saving and water-saving appliances — or even furniture that doesn't fall apart, nor stands the test of time. Yeah, it's going to be more money in the long term, but you won't have to replace it for a long time!

6. Start Paying Student Loans and Credit Card Debt

You need to get rid of any and all debts as soon as possible before you save for future dreams. If you're paying college debt, or if you've earned credit card debt from mindless spending, then you have some extra work to do! Use this time to get a second job, or do odds and end up putting money on each balance. These could be things like pet sitting, house cleaning, or even virtual assistance. Don't be scared of hard work — learn to accept it!

7. Learn to Be Content

Satisfaction doesn't come easily for me, and I bet it certainly doesn't come easy for you either. To stop competing and stop trying to "catch up" with others who are farther down the track than we are, it's something we must challenge ourselves with daily.

It takes practice to be content right where you are, but your spirit will be filled with so much love, and you will be able to translate every situation into a meaningful learning experience.