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gojo-x-reader · 4 years ago

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Confessions in a Drunken Night

Relationship(s): Gojo Satoru x F!Reader

Warnings: excessive drinking, mentions of sex (not related to drinking), getting drunk, job stress

Tags: communication is key

AO3 Link: here

Words: ~2k

Request: “ Hey, I hope you're doing okay. I have read your scenarios and I fell in love with them They are so cute and adorable . If you take a request would you mind taking mine. About a f/reader who is depressed about her job pressure and Gojo not being home lately so she would be drinking at home not knowing that Gojo had arrived and was sleeping and he would wake up because of sound and he would find her saoul , and he would try to make up with her , with a lot of fluff please , thank you .”

You heard the door hurriedly slam from the other room and sighed. This was the third time just this week alone that date night was interrupted with you and your boyfriend, Satoru. Every time, he promised that nothing would come up, but every time something did. You didn’t understand why exactly his job was so important for him to just leave like that. He was just a high school teacher.

You sighed again, then picked up the uneaten dinner you cooked for the both of you. You placed the food in containers for later, if there was a later with him. You might end up eating both portions by yourself. You finished up cleaning up the romantic date you had prepared, now incredibly sad and frustrated.

You started pouring yourself a glass of whiskey. You weren’t a fan of the stuff straight, but tonight seemed like the night to drink. How many hours of overtime did you put in this week just to try to have an evening off to spend with your boyfriend? How much sleep did you lose just to stay ahead? How many times did your boss scoff because you asked off not one night, but three nights this week? You’d be lucky if you could get another night off in a month after this week.

You sipped on the whiskey, cherishing the warmth it brought to your core. You grabbed the bottle and glass and took them the to couch. The whiskey bottle was less than halfway finished; might as well finish it tonight. You lounged on the couch as you brought the glass to your lips and reminisced about your relationship with Satoru.

You had been together for over a year now, but it didn’t feel like it. You were practically in a long-distance relationship, despite only living twenty minutes from each other with how scarce you got to see him. He was always busy on “business trips” or whatever for his job. The thought that he was cheating on you crossed your mind a time or two, but Satoru didn’t seem like the type.

The two of you met in your favorite bakery just down the street. You had fought over the last piece of tiramisu, which he eventually gave you in exchange for your number. He was incredibly easy to talk to and within a few weeks, the two of you were going on your first date. He was suave, but you soon learned that was just a front he put up. The true Gojo Satoru was a dork with an almost insufferable personality that somehow you were able to stand.

You were sure that in the year you had been dating, you had only gone on three successful dates with Satoru and well over fifteen attempted dates. The three successful dates all had a special place in your heart.

The first successful date was your first date. It was a cozy café date followed by a nice walk through the nooks and crannies of Tokyo you never saw on your work commute. You remembered how you gained the confidence to hold Satoru’s hand on the first date, only feeling like there was a literal wall between you two for a few seconds. It was strange, but it was the only incident, so you never brought it up to him.

The second successful date was a few months later with another failed attempt in between the first and second. This one was a trip to a fancy restaurant in the heart of Tokyo. This was the date you learned that your boyfriend was loaded. Not just well off, but rich enough he could spend a couple hundred thousand Yen and it was just pocket change to him. Somehow, the reveal left more questions than answered them; namely, how did he become so rich with a teacher’s salary? Was he part of some kind of Old Money or something?

He never told you where you were dining, so of course, you dressed like it was a casual outing. Before heading to the restaurant, he bought you a dress that was worth more than two years of your yearly salary (against your protests). It was a gorgeous dress, in your favorite color. It still hung in your closet; while you wanted to sell it for some extra money, you didn’t want to upset Satoru.

The third and final successful date was your first anniversary. Neither of you wanted to go out, so you both stayed in. The two of you cooked dinner together; you were pleasantly surprised to learn that Satoru had a talent for cooking and wanted to taste more of his cooking. He insisted you were a much better cook than him, but you disagreed.

After dinner, one thing led to another until you were swept off your feet literally to the bedroom.

You smiled fondly at the memories of your first time together. It was only two months ago, but nothing had happened since then even though you desperately wanted a repeat of your anniversary tonight. Ah, you remembered why you were drinking. You swallowed the rest of the whiskey in your glass, grimacing as it burned in your throat.

You were already tipsy after one glass. You were a lightweight; you were sure you would be shit-faced before the end of this bottle. Satoru never drank, yet he always had the audacity to make fun of how much of a lightweight you were.

Who knows how long passed before you finally swallowed the last drop of whiskey. At that point, you were fighting your eyelids that were trying to close. Without Satoru there to entertain you as you were tipsy, you became a tired drunk. You just wanted to go to sleep but didn’t want to leave the couch. If you got up, you’d probably stumble and fall back anyway. So, you grabbed the blanket draped across the couch and wrapped yourself around it.

A sudden wave of sadness washed over you right as you closed your eyes. You missed Satoru, desperately. It felt physically painful being away from him at the moment. You brought a hand up to your eyes and wiped them, rolling over and finally going to sleep for good.

You woke up to the feeling of someone shaking your form. You groaned. Your head was pounding from dehydration, you were still sleepy from the alcohol; who dared interrupt your sleep?

You blinked a few times to find Satoru and his beautiful blue eyes staring at you. He appeared slightly worried, but also tired.

“Time?” you asked, not even forming coherent sentences yet.

“Almost 3am,” Satoru answered.

You groaned. “Let me sleep.”

“How much did you drink?”

“Does it matter?” you snapped back. You then realized how hostile you sounded, then started crying. “Please don’t be mad at me,” you said between hiccups.

Satoru took you into his arms, soothingly rubbing your back to calm you down. You suddenly felt worse because you were a mess, just because he left for an emergency with work? Pathetic.

Your sweet, incredible boyfriend helped you slowly sit up, then obtained a glass of water for you to drink. You chugged it, not even realizing how thirsty you were. Satoru refilled it for you, urging you to instead sip the water.

“What’s wrong?” Satoru asked as he sat down next to you on the couch.

“...Nothing,” you answered.

“Nothing? I come home to find my girlfriend passed out on the couch drunk off her ass and sad. You’re upset, and I want us to work through this. Now, what’s wrong?”

“I’m sad,” you admitted.

“Obviously.”

“I don’t feel like you--” hic “--love me as much anymore. You keep leaving during our dates, you don’t spend much time with me anymore, and my job is just so stressful because I keep having to work overtime to get days off and I doubt I can get another day off for a month now. That just makes me so fucking sad because I wanna see you every day but I can’t--”

Satoru gently placed a hand on your cheek. His gaze was filled with so much love it rendered you speechless. “That all?” he asked. You nodded.

Satoru tenderly placed a kiss on your forehead. “I’ve been keeping a secret from you,” he admitted. Suddenly, your brain raced through all of the possibilities, fixating on the idea he was cheating on you. Oh, no, here it comes…

“I’m a jujutsu sorcerer.”

“Excuse me?”

That was not at all what you were expecting. What did that even mean?

Satoru backed away. “Here, try to grab my hand.”

You reached out to him, feeling the familiar wall like you did on your first date. “Oh!”

“This is Infinity,” he explained. “As you get closer to me, you slow down, unable to reach me. It’s a jujutsu passed down through my family.”

“I think I’ve felt it before. On our first date.”

Satoru sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck. “I always keep my Infinity going at all times, 24/7, even when I’m asleep. I only let down my guard around you because I trust you with my life.”

“So. What does this all mean? What else are you keeping a secret? Your job too?”

“No, I really am a high school teacher. For the first years, to be exact. The bunch this year are… interesting to say the least. So I’ve been having to stay late to train them, and I actually do go on business trips. A lot of them are overseas.”

“What are they for?” You were now very invested in your boyfriend’s secret life he had been hiding from you all this time.

“We exorcise curses.”

“Curses?”

“The evil beings of the jujutsu world. I have to go on more missions than the average person because I’m one of the very few Special Grade jujutsu sorcerers in the world. It’s the highest rank a jujutsu sorcerer can reach. And your boyfriend is the strongest in the world.”

“Are you really, or are you self-proclaimed?” you asked, knowing his personality. Satoru pouted. You pinched one of his cheeks gently, then dragged his face to your lips, pressing them against his cheek. “I’m just kidding.”

“I really am the strongest, though,” Satoru continued to pout. “Anyway! I think it’s time for us to sleep. Tomorrow, I can take you to see my school and you can meet my students!”

“Really?” you asked, excited. Finally, your boyfriend was allowing you into the part of his world you were always curious about.

“Really,” he promised.

You yawned. The sun was just starting to peek through your windows. Suddenly, you felt yourself being lifted and carried to your room. You weren’t quite sober and made sure to warn Satoru about that, lest he moved you too fast and caused you to throw up on the two of you.

(“It wouldn’t get on me, though,” Satoru argued. “I can just activate my Infinity and I’ll stay clean.”)

Satoru tucked you into your bed, then made his way to your side. You were actually kind of glad you decided to get drunk tonight, as the liquid courage gave you the confidence to speak your mind to your boyfriend instead of keeping your feelings inside like usual. Tonight, you learned a side of your boyfriend you never thought existed. It brought you relief and curiosity to learn more about him and his life.

But for now, you needed sleep. Meeting part of Satoru’s world could wait until tomorrow.

#gojo satoru #gojo satoru x reader #gojo x reader #jjk x reader #jjk #jujutsu kaisen

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seethingballofhatred · 3 years ago

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Alador Blight and why I think he could be redeemed

copy/pasting a rant I just did in Discord at 3am so its not worded well

THIS IS NOT MENT TO START DEBATES, AND IM NOT HERE TO DEBATE WITH THOSE WHO DISAGREE, I AM MERELY SHARING MY VIEW OF THIS CHARACTER. IGNORE IF YOU THINK IM WRONG.

Tw’s for discussions of my own abuse experiences

Alador is not irredeemable Hes not a good parent at current, but hes very obviously gripped under Odalia's abuse along side his kids, hella neurodivergent, and likely hasnt fully realized how much damage Odalia has done due to his heavy work load. Hes very clearly more of an absent parent than an abusive one, again not great but not irredeemable

GENUINELY I SEE ALOT OF MY OWN PARENTAL SITUATION IN THESE TWO!! My dad was and is hella emotionally abusive, and very much so was to my mother, who when we were kids was extremely busy with college and work to support a 5 person household She couldnt always protect us!! She tried her best, especially with our older brother, who nearly got physical abuse several times!! but she was an extremely busy woman at the time. Me and my siblings dont blame her for that! Infact after she got away from dad we all grew alot closer because shes a good ass mother. Obviously not perfect, no parent is, but shes one of my most trusted people and Im so glad I didnt lose her.

I see Alador as very similar!! He stops Odalia when he can, does his best to stay on her good side while doing so. And is incredibly busy making abominations so the family can keep up their lifestyle. Hes not a good parent by any means, but he isnt actively harming his kids, and isnt just "quietly using them for power"!! He's just so caught up in his work that he cant always help his kids. And I genuinely think that Amity's rebellion in their episode will spur Alador into some form of redemption, and we'll at least see the start of him rebuilding his relations with his kids. Fuck Amity is around the same age my brother and I were when my mom left my dad, which is just another parallel. Its also worth noting w/ the blight kids its always "dont tell mom", none of them worry about what Alador will think, which is very similar to my own childhood Alador has so much potential to be an amazing father, and getting out from under Odalias thumb is just the begining of that reformation.

People keep acting like Alador is just "Odalia but quiet", when Odalia is the prominent one through the whole episode, Alador barely speaks and half the time he does he's fucking half asleep. (I get this can tear apart my argument to, but Im reiterating that I saw this exact behavior in my mom when I was young) We mostly get facial expressions from him, which show that he's noticing Amity's ability and growth, pointing it out to Odalia to make her take it a bit easier on Amity

They also mention his smirks, or smiles to Odalia during scenes and it is again worth pointing out that he is extremely adhd/autistic coded and could VERY WELL BE MASKING TO NOT ANGER ODALIA. People would think that would involve a bit of noticeable fear but you'd be surprised how well nd's can fake emotions!!

I know most of the fandom disagrees with me here, but thats exactly why I needed to share this, as someone who relates alot to Amity and how her mother treats her. Escaping Expulsion just made me relate to her even more, and sympathize with Alador all because I’ve seen this all before in my own life.

You do not have to agree with me, I will not force anyone to, and again this post isnt made for debate, but I don’t want to start seeing people attack Dana if Alador ends up getting away from Odalia in some way and being a better father.

By all means, see him as irredeemable if you want to, just know that at least one person has lived a very similar toxic family structure, and sees his potential to grow.

#The Owl House #TOH #Alador Blight #Odalia Blight #Amity Blight #Edric and Emira Blight #TOH: Escaping Expulsion

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imagineclaireandjamie · 5 years ago

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Shielded. Chapter Four

Happy Sunday all, back to the usually scheduling this week. I hope you enjoy the next week of lockdown with Jamie and Claire <3 Mod MBD.

Anonymous said to imagineclaireandjamie:

It does not matter what you bear, but how you bear it. [Seneca]

CHAPTER FOUR: WEEK TWO - Home and Away.

As Monday rolled around again, the weekend having passed by in a blur, Claire sat at the breakfast table with a fresh cup of coffee in her hands. Having ventured down during the day on both Saturday and Sunday, she had hoped to bump into Jamie and pass on her thanks to his generosity but he had been out before sunrise each day and she had been asleep before he’d returned home.

Resolute, however, she chose to spend her day downstairs and hopefully get something on for dinner before he came back so she could at least start the week off right.

Fate, however, wasn’t on her side. By 10pm, with the lasagne tucked away, wrapped in foil, in the fridge, she covered her mouth with a yawn and pulled herself up the stairs to bed.

The crash and smashing of a glass bought her out of her sleep as the clock beside her bed clicked over to 3am. Pulling herself from beneath the sheets, she crept downstairs, eager not to scare him as she approached the kitchen.

“Couldn’t sleep?” She asked, knowing full well he had only just returned home.

He was stood by the sink, cold lasagna on the countertop and his mucky boots still on his feet. With the fork held to his mouth, he smiled as he took another bite of the pasta, chewed and then shook his head. “I havena ever been the best sleeper but it’s lambing season, aye? One of them got into bother and I couldna leave her until I knew she was safe.”

“And she made it?”

“Aye. I was luckier tonight than I was at the weekend.”

“Oh, dear...that doesn’t sound good.”

“It’s the job, I’m afraid. If I didna lose at least a handful a year I’d be shocked.”

It was the first real (and longest) conversation they’d had since she’d arrived and she was suddenly grateful for the company. He was calm, grounded and relaxed in the way a lot of city dwellers weren’t. She could tell in the slump of his shoulders that it didn’t matter how long and awkward his day was, how messy or how little sleep he had gotten the night before, he was still weightless almost, free of the constraint modern living brought to most.

“I wanted to say thank you,” she broke in, remembering the reason she’d half-blindly stumbled down in the middle of the night, “you’ve been so amazing - to get me materials for a garden, that’s...above and beyond the call of duty.”

“Ach,” shaking his head, he finished the last of his supper, balled the tin foil up and placed it in the bin, “dinna fash yersel’ about that. It’s no’ a problem.”

He was embarrassed, she could tell. Abashed, his accent had become incredibly thick and almost impossible to understand. But it was quiet enough here that there was no background noise to blot out his sentence and luckily she didn’t have to ask him to repeat himself.

“Well, nonetheless,” ignoring the slight reddening of his cheeks she continued, “I am very grateful to you. For everything.”

With nothing more to say between them, she waved, smiled and backed off, feeling strangely pleased with herself for breaking the silence between them. Hopefully, she thought as she climbed the stairs back to her room, there would be some evenings in the future when they could eat together and she could show her appreciation by making him something warm and fresh.

-- --

By mid-week, she had yet to see Jamie again. His work was intense, and yet, despite that, he had still managed to begin construction of her tiny garden.

In her haste she had forgotten that she wasn’t allowed outside the house and, as she’d watched the greenhouse foundations being laid, she had become almost inconsolable about the fact that she probably wouldn’t get the chance to tend to any of the produce grown in it.

She knew, however, that safety was more important than new hobbies and she chose, instead, to make detailed lists of the daily needs of each of the seeds and plants Jamie had procured for her.

She started with the tomatoes and grapes, which needed to be contained within the glass walls in order to collect enough light and heat to survive. She noted water levels, soil PH and balance and daily rituals which would need to be abided by in order for the best crop to be formed. It filled most of her days and when the sun went down, she’d swap her notepad for the computer as she researched all the differences she might see in her fruit and veg determined all by the way they were treated as they grew.

Though she had never been an artist, she started to search for youtube videos on how botanical art could be created. Having no coloured pencil crayons or watercolours, she stuck to pencil sketches and began to leave more post-it’s, this time with future predictions on what the garden might produce for the household.

Once again Jamie enjoyed coming home. There had only been a few days lapse in her communications but when he didn’t see her for days, it was the one thing he could rely on to buoy his spirits.

They were different, in so many ways, but on a subconscious level, he pondered to himself at night as he held the drawing of some rare cabbage in his hands, Jamie felt as if they had very many similar quirks. He’d been pleased that his idea to leave her be for as long as she needed had been a success and was grateful she felt at home enough to reform her life around his. Her asking for the garden made him realise how easy it might be for someone else to fit into his own life without causing him much grief.

It was only a small thing, but to him it had made a huge difference. Having lived alone for so long, he had almost forgotten how malleable people could be. Though, he thought as he rifled around in the fridge for more pre-made meals, he had probably just gotten lucky with Claire.

The thought also occurred to him that she had been inadvertently raised more suited to this life than her old one, but he didn’t know enough about her to advance on the notion.

It wasn’t until late on Thursday when they came face to face together. After another heavy day and late night, Jamie finally toe-ed off his work boots at nearly midnight and made his way, quietly, through to the kitchen.

He had not expected to nearly bump straight into Claire has she dished up what looked like a very tasty stir fry.

“I thought you might be sick of reheating pasta dishes, so I thought I’d try and wait for you this time.”

“Ye didna have to, it’s very late.” He scratched the back of his neck bashfully, even she couldn;t find the truth in his words and she smiled as she placed a fresh bottle of soy sauce in the centre of the table. “But this does smell delicious.”

“It’s taken me a few attempts to hone it, but I’ve been practicing most evenings this week to try and get it perfect, flavour as well as how long I need to cook the veg for.”

“What’s the meat?” He asked, watching as his stomach rumbled audibly.”

“I used the duck, I hope you don’t mind. I used chicken earlier in the week but I couldn’t seem to get it as tender as I wanted it and a few forums online suggested that duck might be a better substitute if I wanted meat with a bit more moisture.”

“Perfect. Use any meat you want from the freeze, for anything. Honestly, I forget most of the time what I’ve got in there.”

Placing several bowls filled with various meats, vegetables and sides, she went back to the sink to wash the remaining stickiness of her hands before beckoning him to start without her. “I had hoped you weren’t saving anything for a special occasion.”

“Ach, I think the virus has put pay to anything like that for a while,” he began, filling his plate with noodles, duck and beansprouts, “my sister - she lives in Canada now - had planned a summer visit, but we’re no’ sure of anything at the moment.”

“Is she the one in the photo,” Claire enquired, taking a mouthful of her own concoction and swallowing back the relief when it tasted nice - a mixture of sweet and savory that wasn’t as overpowering or as dry as it had been earlier on in the day when she’d made the first of the final tests. “The one with brown hair?”

“Aye, she is. Her partner, Ian, got a job out there a few years ago and they emigrated. We talk as often as we can on Skype and FaceTime but it’s become sporadic recently wi’ my erratic work hours. She’s a nurse, ya see, and works odd shift patterns too. But we try and keep in touch at least once a month.”

“Do you miss her?”

“I didna really think about it, we were close....until we werena. Then they moved away and I fell into a new routine.”

He had begun to speak without thinking, filling up the silence with answers to her questions as they ate in between conversation. He had, though, had the forethought to stop before giving too much away. The thought hurt his heart and he had to inhale between a bite of his dinner to gather himself back up. He knew, given time, that he would be alright with sharing his past (as he hoped she would be with hers) but tonight wasn’t the night for revelations.

Sensing his reluctance to continue, she moved on, understanding that she herself wasn’t in a place to open up about her own family life.

“I can imagine Skype is about the only way most are communicating at the moment.” Sighing, she started to collect the empty dishes and load the dishwasher. “I’m quite grateful, actually, that I don’t have anyone to keep in touch with. It’s all...quite scary.”

It was the first time Jamie had consciously thought about the pandemic, being cut off from the outside world had its benefits and he felt relieved that he could separate himself from the constant barrage of news that he supposed others would be exposed to. He realised that both he and Claire were unique now, part of a smaller section of society where being remote was almost a blessing rather than a curse.

“If you ever need to talk, lass,” standing, he helped to clean up the remaining mess from dinner, his hand almost brushing against hers as he wiped the countertop down, breaking only to hover for a second before returning to his job, “ye know where I am. Please dinna think you have nobody...if yer concerned, aye?”

“Thank you Jamie.” Pulling her fleece cardigan across her chest she walked slowly to the kitchen door, pausing for a second in the doorway just to make sure she’d left nothing out to go cold and mouldy overnight. “The same to you. I’m a good listener, I promise, if you ever need to talk, or if you need any help.”

She’d been thinking about his life on the farm for a few days now, watching the rolling hills out of her window, seeing the sheep and cattle on the horizon and -very occasionally- seeing the silhouette of him roaming his land. There was little she could do from indoors, she knew, but there had been chores around the house that she could potentially complete. Putting herself to task, she had learned new basic kitchen skills but only this morning she’d noticed the beginnings of a hole on the seam of his trousers as they dried on the rail in the courtyard and she thought it might be something she could tend to...should he be alright with it.

Leaving with the quiet settling calmly between them, she noted the relaxing of the muscles in his face as he smiled and nodded as she turned and carried herself to bed.

Resting against the faux-marble worktop, Jamie closed his eyes as he waited for the soft slam of her bedroom door before he followed her up. She just might, he thought to himself as he undressed himself, taking a towel from his radiator and making his way to the shower, be better equipped for this life than I am.

#anonymous #ask #shielded #Jamie X Claire #;mod mbd

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basilsbestpainting · 4 years ago

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Together on the farm

I WROTE MY FIRST FANFICTION BITCHES!

It’s all below the link because I don’t really like long fics on my dash. Timkon. General I guess. Idk how to give descriptions. It’s in first person from Tim’s perspective. That’s all I can write sorry.

Flash forwards to the future, Ma died a quiet death and left the farm to Kon. He and Tim have live there together for about a year.

It was quiet on the farm. A little too quiet. I could never get used to this, but it’s not too bad. We’ve been here about a year, at least it’s been a year since the funeral.

Ma passed quietly from a cancer she never told anybody about and left the farm to Kon. We’d been together for a while and he said I didn’t need to come with him.

I didn’t quite believe him.

We moved out to Smallville and settled down on Ma’s farm after the funeral. Bart helped us move in, they made it very quick. Jon and Clark stopped by every now and again. It’s nice. But the quiet. Some nights it gets to me. I know Kon hears me get up and leave the bed. But sometimes it helps.

I take a walk through the farm, remembering everything from the past year. About a month after we got here, Kon got a brilliant idea to buy some horses.

“Tim. It’ll be great. We have the money. You’re loaded!” I signed and pinched my nose. I retired from my positions, but kept some investments so we had a back up income in case something failed on the farm. I’ve also been working part time as a science and business teacher at the local high school, but apparently my care for finances is going above my boyfriend’s head.

“Fine. One horse. Can you even ride a horse Kon?” He just smiled at me.

Two weeks later, two horses appeared at the barn. A mare and a stallion. One was black like our former costumes, and the other was a yellow color, soft like the sun. Kon smiled at me

“I said One. One horse.”

“Say hello to Bruce and Martha! I was just getting Bruce because he reminded me soo much of somebody we both know when Martha wandered up…” his voice trailed and I looked at the mare and understood. She reminded me of Ma too.

“Oh alright. We’ll keep both.” He smiled and I felt the familiar grasp of Kon’s TTK around my waist. “What are you doing?” I inquired.

He placed me onto Bruce, the Stallion, and followed suit. “Oh, I just figured I would ride us off into the sunset before I proposed.”

“Hm?” I turned my head and the horse took off.

“So, Timothy Drake, would you like to marry this old farm hand?” he asked as we rode bareback across the farm.

“I’d love to. You realize it’s not sunset, of course?” I replied

“Well, I’m impatient.”

I was standing in the kitchen, staring at the barn, when I felt two large, gentle arms come around my waist. I leaned into them and sighed, looking at the clock on the old microwave. It was about 3am. Kon placed a gentle kiss on my head before guiding me back to bed.

Who am I to argue?

#Timkon #Nocapes #Farmboys #fic

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1dcraftawards · 4 years ago

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November Author of the Month...

Drumroll please.... our November Author of the Month is none other than the incredibly talented...

@all-things-fic !

Congratulations to a wonderful author, Liz! You can check out our interview with her below!

1.Did you start writing fanfiction for One Direction, or was there another fandom that you wrote fanfiction for before this?

I have one fic that I wrote for One Direction Fanfic Archive, that will never see the light of day. It was really awful, but everyone starts somewhere. I’ve shared it with two people on Tumblr and we just laughed about it.

I’ve also written a Niall Horan fic which has been flagged for how explicit it is, which is quite laughable as it’s tame in comparison to the Harry stuff (eek!)

2. How old were you when you started writing fanfiction?

I was a teenager when I first started writing fics. I don’t know if I would consider it “proper” fanfic though as it was riddled with cliches.

3. What’s been your favorite fic that you’ve written to work on so far?

For the longest time I was proud of the second part of Divorce Harry and specifically the second part. It just felt real to write. I can’t even explain what it is about that piece.

I think at the time it stemmed from an ask I received where I was asked if I was a parent - I’m not - but this someone said I portrayed aspects of a marriage and how children can tip the balance really well.

The sheer bitterness of two people in love and the juxtaposed feeling it brings was an interesting dynamic. Being bitter and in love? How? It happens. You love someone, but bloody hell don’t you hate at the same time.

And I think on the hand Quarantine Harry is the opposite side of the same coin. I love it because it’s so happy. When you’re smitten and basking. Your baby waking you up at 3am and meeting your husband on the landing with the freshly made bottle is a time to enjoy because you’re doing it together.

But soon enough the third child is sprawled out in your kingsize bed and their foot is pressed against your ribs and you're tired. This isn’t me saying the two stories are linked (I do get those theories quite a lot haha)

4. Do you prefer AU or OU?

Definitely more of an OU gal. I’m massively into writing things “realistically” because I think it’s so relatable and helps draw readers in more so. Especially if the writing uses and references visuals that readers are aware of.

5. What’s your favorite trope to write?

Would we call a long-term relationship / established relationship a trope? If so then this is my favourite. Writing characters who know how to push each other’s buttons, knowing what they can and can’t say to get the other going. Being able to write two people who can share as little as a glance and know what the other is feeling.

Sprinkle a bit of angst on the top for good measure.

That’s my kryptonite.

6. What’s your ideal space to write in?

I tend to write when I’m in bed quite a bit, usually really late at night and on my phone rather than my laptop. Often lying in the dark. Sometimes first thing in a morning.

7. How do you get motivation to write?

This one made me laugh considering I’m unable to finish a single piece of writing at the minute.

Pictures are quite inspiring. New images of Harry can usually start something in me. The images of him in the whacky joggers for example from set have inspired a scene in Quarantine Harry (who knows for which part just yet!).

8. Do you typically like to listen to music when you write? If so, what do you listen to?

Very rarely listen to anything when I write, I tend to like silence really. Sometimes this is so I can dictate into my phone.

9. Your dialogue is some of the best I’ve ever read on tumblr, how do you plan conversations in your fics?

Thank you for the compliment, it’s really nice to read that you think so highly of my dialogue. I don’t really plan them - conversations or my fics. I’m quite visual in how I write, so anything that you’ve read I’ve most likely had it play out in my mind and typed it as it’s moved. For dialogue I tend to speak out loud as I’m typing to try and get the pacing right for the conversation.

No, I don’t try to do a Manc accent… Just in case anyone is wondering haha!

10. What is your writing process like?

I write what I see and then hope it fits. Honestly it’s pretty chaotic. The only time I tend to plan is when I’ve got a lot of different scenes written and I need to know if they’re suitable for an update or what order to place them.

Then I read through them and think about the characters and how they would be a certain time and move the documents into another document. Then I close all the tabs and cry cause my motivation is nonexistent.

11. What’s been your favorite scene to write from Quarantine Harry?

One that hasn’t been shared haha! I’m joking (maybe).

From part one my favourite bit has to be the part where she makes up with him by taking him a cuppa and he gets a dig in about how she hasn’t brought any biscuits with her. Also the bit where he says “come an’ love me” meaning he wants to cuddle. I’m quite conscious I don’t really ever write soppy fics, so when I’m writing “fluffy” aspects they’re more so everyday affections. Like, you know someone is properly in love with you when they’re doing the washing up cause you’re busy, or they’re taking out the bins on bin day. That kinda thing.

From part two absolutely the entirety of the morning where she takes the pregnancy test. That was the part I had as clear as day and I worked backwards to the opening scene. I really loved the idea of Harry knowing his partner is pregnant before said partner knows. Him knowing his lovers body like the back of his hand so much so that he’s able to pick up on the smallest of things. I knew I had to write it.

And how he casually suggested she took the test, by pressing a kiss into her back. His face finding that test and then being an insufferable sod and pleased with himself cause he’s in the know about the outcome before the MC.

12. Is there a schedule you follow in terms of when you write? Or are you more impulsive and just write where and when you can?

So impulsive it’s actually embarrassing. I cringe at myself. I know I’ve mentioned this loads but I really write what I see. So if I’m not seeing anything, I’m not writing. It’s quite frustrating.

13. What is one thing you wish you would’ve known before you started writing?

To not talk about your writing before you’ve finished it. I feel like I massively let people down when I post sneak peeks and then I can’t deliver because life gets on top of me!

14. What do you prefer writing, multi-chaptered fics or one shots?

One shots and then if they develop into something more that can be exciting!

15. What's your secret to portraying such a complex and interesting relationship between your main characters??

Personal trauma…… *tumbleweed at another one of my poorly thought out jokes*

I’m a bit stumped on how to answer this one. I think being well read(ish) helps you create complex characters and relationships, not saying that I am but I’ve read a fair few books. Life in general helps too, sometimes personal relationships. Just growing up. My fic when I was younger was nowhere near the type of things I’m writing now but I’ve got a couple (okay, more than a couple!) of years on myself since then.

I think just apply your own lived experiences and call upon emotions you may have felt through certain times that you’re writing should you have experience it.

Partly I also think so many of us are a little bit nosy. Sometimes we all kinda want to be the fly on the wall in the home of couples to see if everything is a rosy as it seems or as intimate. Or whether it is just raw passion with a couple of arguments thrown in for good measure.

16. What Harry era/mood/look/vibe/song/etc. do you get most inspired by?

What’s weird is my favourite era of Harry is 2014, but I wouldn’t want to write him like that. The current Harry is quite marvellous. I’ve never known anyone like him, he really is fine wine (the real album title…. ‘we’ll be a fine wine’)

If you’re asking what mood I like to see him in, it’s either when he's pensive and looks a touch pissed off with a crease to his brow or when you watch his joke his eyes before he’s even said it and he’s amused/pleased with himself.

His current look, mainly late 2019/2020 is quite something (hence the quarantine fics)

I tend not to get inspired by his songs but my two faves if I had to pick would be Woman and TBSL. I think they’re massive Scorpio energy and would make great premises for a one shot sometime!

I’m not sure if I even answered this how you wanted it answer but hopefully it was something haha!

17. Who or what inspired you to start writing?

I’ve always loved writing, I think it’s because I do a lot of it with my line of work. The person that gave me the push on this site was actually an account called @meetyourmouths. The lovely Iz is no longer on tumblr but she wrote a Harry piece that just made me think ‘fuck it’ and I posted Practicing. If you go to that piece the authors note makes mention to Iz.

I would also say @stylishmuser was one of the first people to reach out to me and be encouraging which has always stuck with me. Massive love for, P and still talk to her all these years on.

I’m now sat here thinking about listing all the lovely lovely people who have been so nice to me both in regards to writing and outside of it and I’m conscious I’m not mentioning them. The troubles of being a bit of a people pleaser. Hopefully those people know I love ‘em… You know?

18. Some readers are wary of leaving feedback because they're unsure how the writer will take it, how do you personally like to receive feedback? Do you want to be critiqued, or would you like to just know if they did or didn't enjoy what they've read?

First thing I’d say is please don’t ever think as readers you can’t be negative. Sure there is a way to present the feedback to the author cause writing can be quite personal, but everyone has room for growth.

Just come chat to me. Can be about anything and everything. A simple ‘loved the update’ to ‘this bit was rubbish’. I’m open to all feedback.

One thing to remember is there are a lot of writers out there so there is something for everybody. If a fic isn’t for you there are tons out there waiting for you to go and grab ‘em!

19. Is writing a hobby or do you have aspirations of writing professionally outside of fanfiction?

I used to think it was mainly more so a hobby, and I do still lean towards this. However, now I’m not so sure. My problem is I tend to have long spells of not being able to find balance in my ‘real life’ job and the extra-curricular stuff.

I’m dragging myself here but I don’t think my fics have much plot to them. I’m more so about writing the everyday life and I don’t think there is a market for that really (unless you have something explosive happen somewhere).

20. And finally, What's your purpose for writing? What do you hope to accomplish?

For a while I wanted to write Harry being insufferably British. I found it quite hard to find writings that I thought wrote him using Britsh-isms (is this even a thing?) and types of phrases that are common over this side of the pond. I wanted to put that out there for someone who may have once felt like me.

Mostly, I just want to put pieces out that take people elsewhere, even if only for a couple of minutes. A lot of the world is a bleak place, if you find my little corner on tumblr and it makes you smile, that’s achieved something, hasn't it?

#author of the month #aom #November2020 #aomnovember2020

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azumastan · 4 years ago

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can I live happily ever after?

characters: muku sakisaka, kazunari miyoshi - DO NOT tag as ship

genre: fluff/light angst? idk bro. there’s a little crying.

word count: 1356

ok so it is nearly 3am and i just finished this. it has minimal proofreading because i’m just proud to be done and it’s my baby boy’s birthday.

also, it’s the first fic i’ve posted on here!! wow!! how does it feel to be so special, muku?! so, comments and constructive criticism are welcome. i know some folks get picky about how their best boys are written, so i hope i do them justice and tell me how i can do better!

here we go~

Muku loves fairy tales and stories of romance. His dream is to be a prince like in the tales he loves so much. If he could be the kind of gentleman that comes to the rescue of a beautiful girl and they dance through the night, he would be as happy as can be.

But every time he loses himself in that fantasy, there’s no girl. Not really. Sometimes there’s a figure in a dress, but not anyone really specific.

It’s not a big deal. He’s not even in high school; he doesn’t HAVE to fall in love. It sounds so nice, though. Love has to be wonderful if he was able to fill a whole bookshelf with manga about it. The pounding heart, sweaty hands.....well, maybe not that part. Muku knows what anxiety feels like all too well. But to feel that way around someone special, and have them feel the same about him, that’s a dream that could come true.

What if there’s no princess for him?

The problem isn’t that he’s worried no one will fall for him, though that’s certainly crossed his mind.

No, that’s not it. The problem is that Muku likes boys.

Probably. It’s all really confusing and he’s only ever been sure about like, four things in his life, but he has a hard time picturing himself taking a girl out on a date despite reading hundreds of scenarios, and there’s this guy in his class who has some really interesting things to say about the book they’re reading. And maybe Muku laughed a little too hard at some joke he had made during algebra and maybe he turned redder than a tomato when he bumped into the other boy playing basketball in gym class.

So, he’s realized he might be gay, and he can’t stop thinking about how he’s supposed to have his happy ending now. There’s no fairy tales where the prince rides off with a kind kitchen boy on the back of his horse. No shoujo manga where the strong, silent guy offers to share his umbrella with the shy, pretty boy from class.

What kind of fantasy lies in Muku’s future then?

He laid there in his dorm bed, tears pricking his eyes. Ugh. He sniffled. How pathetic am I, crying over my non-existent love life because now I don’t know if I’ll ever get the happily ever after that I’ve read about? Muku wiped his watering eyes with his pajama sleeve and sniffled again.

“Mukkun?” Kazunari sat up in his bed, trying to see the boy with pink hair across the dark room. “Are you okay, Mukkun?”

“Oh! Kazunari! I’m okay, I swear! I’m sorry to bother you. Go back to sleep.”

“Nope.” Kazunari turned on his phone flashlight, climbed out of bed and turned on a floor lamp. “I was just scrolling through Instablam, anyway. You can talk to me,” he said, plodding over to Muku’s bed to look the younger boy in the eyes.

That was what broke the dam, sending tears streaming down Muku’s face. Kazunari hesitated before climbing up next to him and placing his arm around his sobbing roommate.

“Hey, hey. Mukkun, shhhh....... I got you,” he murmured.

In a minute, Muku’s tears stopped flowing so freely. After the whole room was silent for a little while, Kazunari asked “Do you want me to go get Juza?”

Muku shook his head, and, voice quivering, he replied, “I think — I think I just needed to cry, Kazu-kun. Really.” He punctuated this statement with another sniffle, causing Kazunari’s brow to furrow. Still doubtful, the blond boy took his arm back, giving Muku some space if he wanted it. Muku didn’t seem to notice the absence of Kazunari’s arm, but he did turn his head towards him.

“Hey, uh, Kazu-kun? Do you have any gay friends?” Muku’s voice trailed off at the end of his question, a little uncomfortable with what he was saying and afraid Kazunari would know what he was getting at before he said anything explicitly.

Kazunari smiled. “Totes! I’ve got loads of LGBT pals! Wait.” He laughed a little. Muku’s heart sank. Did he know what Muku was thinking? Was he going to laugh at him? Oh no, no, please, not that…..

“Dude, did you think I was straight?! LMAO, it’s not like I try to hide it.”

Muku’s jaw dropped. “You—? But you’re always going on about all the cute girls outside when we do street acts.”

The young man shrugged. “Yeah. I do like girls, but I like boys too. I like a lot of people.”

“Oh.” Muku sighed, feeling weirdly light after what Kazunari admitted. “Sorry I assumed anything, I just thought, hey, Kazunari has a lot of friends, maybe he knows some people who fell in love like in a shoujo manga and it didn’t matter that they didn’t like girls—“

“Hey.” Kazunari ruffled the middle school boy’s pink mop of hair. “Would that have anything to do with what had you so upset, Mukkun?”

He breathed in, and in what seemed to be one long exhale, Muku managed to speak practically a whole chapter. “UhhhhhhsureIthinkI’mgayandit’snotabigdealIthink. Isitabigdeal? Idon’tknowandIguessItrynottodwellonitbutifIwanttobeaprincehowcanIdothatifIdon’twanttomarryaprincessand-“

“Whoa there! Slow down, bro!” Kazunari took Muku’s hand. “I got most of that, but you need to breathe, Mukkun! Okay, go on.”

Taking a few deep breaths at his roommate’s suggestion, Muku continued. “I think, maybe, I’m gay? Because I can’t really picture my future princess, and you know about my imagination, hahaha. And there’s a boy in my class that makes my heart pound like crazy and it’s just like a shoujo manga says it should be, but that’s about boys and girls and I know it’s not…..wrong, but it doesn’t feel….right, exactly. Princes get the girl, that’s how it always is. And I don’t want to give up on that dream,” he finished as his voice started to break.

Kazunari sucked in his lips, trying to think of a response that would calm him down and cheer him up, but he didn’t want to confuse the young boy any farther. He knew himself what it was like to be in school and fall for other boys, and Muku, notorious for having his head in the clouds, made a lot of very good points. There aren’t any gay fairy tales or gay princes. And while Muku didn’t need any help getting lost in a fantasy, it can’t be easy when every romance he sees is showing him that straight is the default.

Well, he could do something about that.

Kazunari put his hand on Muku’s head again, and said, “I’m really glad you told me about this. I wish I had something more helpful to tell you right now, but I’m beat, and you probably are too. We should try to get some sleep. But you don’t have to forget about your dream, okay? You’re gonna be the best prince there ever was.”

“Okay. Good night, Kazu,” he said with a yawn. Guess Kazunari couldn’t have timed that better.

“Good night, Mukkun,” Kazunari pushed himself off of Muku’s bed, walked over to turn out the light, and then crawled back into his own bed.

------------------

The next afternoon, Muku went to his room to drop off his school bag when he noticed a folded piece of paper on his desk that read “Prince Mukkun.” Dropping his bag and picking up the mystery paper, he opened it to find a gorgeous pencil drawing of himself in a fine military uniform, wearing a crown, and sitting atop a white horse. Even more surprising, there was a black-haired boy with a regal looking tunic and a sword standing next to the horse. There was a caption at the bottom of the page that read “The Prince and the Knight.”

Muku’s face broke out into a smile. He hadn’t signed it, but it was undeniably the work of Kazunari. Grabbing a push pin, he put the picture up on his bulletin board next to the calendar. Then, he left the dorm room to sit in the courtyard and mentally continue the story Kazunari had started for him.

#a3!#a3! actor training game #a3! act! addict! actors!#a3! fic #a3! fanfiction #muku birthday #muku sakisaka #a3! muku #kazunari miyoshi #a3! kazunari #ideally i wanted yuki in this too but. roommates. also i need to get some sleep wow i really had kazu call me out when i wrote this 20 min #ago. oops. also this definitely is not inspired by my real feelings.#I GREW UP ON DISNEY BUT THIS DON'T FEEL LIKE DISNEY #AJR was really onto something there huh

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imanativeofswlondondahling · 5 years ago

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Hidden In Plain Site (2)- Tom Holland x Reader

Word Count: 2348

A/N: This was inspired by this wonderful post by @starsholland. Without it this would not be happening. This will be a multi part fic, but I don’t know how many chapters or when it will be posted so if you’d like to be tagged let me know:) Welcome to Tom being undercover on Tumblr. Quick notes- Y/T/B = Your Tumblr Blog

Chapter One || Master List

The edit turned out better than you thought it would. You had decided to use blue and red, since they’re Spider-Man colors and it honestly suits Tom and Haz so well. You still are wondering when the picture is from since you scoured the depths of Google and Tumblr to no avail. It’s either really old, or not really posted. Either way it made an adorable edit and will look great in your edit’s tag. It’s also sparked some ideas for a friendship imagine. It’s been so long since you wrote anything, with work and family stuff weighing you down, but you can picture the outline in your head so as soon as you finish the last touches on your outline, you click open a new document and drop a few lines down to get going.

“What you working on?” Your brother calls to you from across the living room. He knows that once you’re home for the afternoon, it’s not normally work stuff, but sometimes your graphic design projects run into your post work day.

“Just some edits. Nothing too big.”

“Bringing work home?”

“Nope, just working on some extra stuff.” You type some more into the document, wanting to make sure that everything is hitting the moment right. In your browser, you pull up your tumblr and make a new post.

Ask me stuff while I work on my latest imagine. Give me a number 1-100 and I’ll give you a song from my writing playlist and a memory attached to it.

Across the ocean, Tom can’t sleep. It’s nearly 3am, but something is keeping his mind from sleeping. He should be able to sleep just fine. He isn’t working on any movies that have him worried, he doesn’t have any auditions coming up, and he doesn’t have press for a few weeks. So why can’t he get to sleep?

Lifting his phone in his hand he sees a notification from Tumblr saying that Y/T/B has posted. He swipes across and waits for the post to load. You want questions? Well, he can help with that. Plus, he’s interested in learning about what kind of music you’re interested in.

Anonymous Asked:

33?

Anonymous Asked:

86?

Anonymous Asked:

69;D

Three Anons come in right after another. You weren’t expecting that quick of a reaction. Sure you had a couple hundred followers, but you didn’t tend to get that many reactions to your posts. At least not back to back. But you’ll take it, and reply. As soon as you send the edit to that blog that asked for it.

You pull up the thread between you and tomholland2013. You click the camera button and upload the edit you had done.

Hey, here’s that edit. Hope this works for you!

Surprisingly, whoever is behind the account messages back immediately.

That looks awesome! Thanks so muchX

Hows your night going?X

More like afternoon here lol. I’m just getting some work done after getting home earlier.

How about you? Is it night there?

It’s like the middle of the night here and I can’t sleepX

If it’s middle of the night there, did you see the news?

What news?X

That Tom saved Spider-Man?! It’s been all over Tumblr since I got home from work.

It’s kind of the reason I made your edit in red and blue tbh.

I hadn’t had time to look at my dashboard to be honest. I’ve been busy with work stuff most of the afternoon.X

It wasn’t a lie. Over the past few days having talks between him, Bob and Tom trying to smooth everything over, there wasn’t much time to glance over the explosion that had happened since the original news had been released. But after clicking send on his message to Y/N, he clicks over to your main blog to see the reaction to the news. There are some general reblogs of the news announcing Spider-Man returning to the MCU but then there were also some general posts about Spider-Man and Peter Parker. Your tags are what really get to him. Some like hashtag my-baby-is-back-where-he-belongs and hashtag get-tom-drunk-more-often-if-it-saves-my-baby. He can’t help but laugh at the last one. True he hadn’t exactly been sober when he and Bob had first talked about getting Spider-Man back in the MCU, but he didn’t think that story would take the world by storm.

Going into his settings, Tom quickly updates his picture with the edit you had done for him. Honestly, it looked better than he had hoped for. You had done Spider-Man colors and if he wasn't trying to keep this blog on the down low, he would share it on his Instagram so his fans could see how talented Y/N was. As he hits save, another message comes through from you.

Do you mind if I use the edit I sent you as inspiration for an imagine?

A what?X

An imagine. It’s a specific type of fanfic. I had a great idea of one while I was working on the edit for you, but if you’re not cool with it, I’ll find a different picture.

You did all the work on it. Feel free to use it. What kind of story?X

Basically like a Tom x Reader with hints of Harrison friendship notes in it. It’s hard to explain lol

Have you written other stuff?X

I think everyone on this site dabbles in it from time to time, but yeah I’ve written a few pieces over the past few years.

Do you have a list of them?X

Sure, it’s here.

You had linked a page in your message. Apparently dabbling meant one.. Two.. three… his finger drags down the page as he counts the stories. Holy hell, you’ve written fifty stories about him, Peter Parker and even some of the other Avengers. But most of them revolve around him and x Reader, whatever that means. You had mentioned it in your message, but he wasn’t sure what it meant.

Ok, I’m new to the whole fanfic thing, so pardon my stupidity but what does x reader mean?X

It’s a self insert fic. Basically anywhere that it says Y/N or you, you put yourself into the fic. They’re one of the most popular types of fics.

Before he can reply to your message, a notification comes up saying that Y/T/B has posted a new post.

Anonymous Asked:

33?

Y/T/B/ Answered: Heather by Conan Gray. So I love this song and totally have screamed along with the chorus of this song when I’m alone at home and writing or in my car driving places (otherwise I would freak my family out). When I wrote a fic called The Smell of Your Sweater, on my master list here, I listened to this song on repeat for three days straight to be in the right mind set. Honestly I could probably listen to this song until the end of time and never get sick of it.

Tom reads over the answer and can picture someone jamming out to a song so much that they love it. He pulls open his Spotify app and pulls up the song, because he wants to feel closer to you, even though you’re time zones apart from each other. The fact that it’s afternoon where you are and nighttime where he is makes him think that you’re in the United States.

So reader insert are some of the most popular type of fics, but what are your favorite to read?X

That’s not even something that I would share on a first date lol you’ll be waiting a bit to find out.

Is sharing that you write fanfic something that you don’t talk about on a date?X

Not normally. Talking about it with tumblr friends is one thing because I link it on my blog, but what I read is a whole nother thing. It literally says so much about you with who you read, what ships you ship, and especially what kinks you look for.

KINKS? IN FANFICS?X

You haven’t read much yet have you?

Literally no. I’ve only been on tumblr since I messaged you the first time. That was the day I made my blogX

So you’ve been on for a month? And you’re deciding to get into fanfics?

No I’m thinking I should stay away from it still. It seems like virtual porn.X

It doesn’t have to have anything smutty in it. Just click on ones that say fluff or don’t say smut next to them. You can also block certain tags so they don’t come up on your dashboard. Like Starker is a popular one to be blocked for a lot of people.

I don’t think I even want to know what that is if people are blocking it who are into this porn esque writing. X

It’s not porn lol You seem to have only found smut so far. We need to find you some fluff. Maybe some Tom x Reader?

Maybe I’m just not ready for it after all.X

Does he want to read about himself? Not at all. That seems creepy. But other people write about him too. It’s not just Y/N. He decides to research this further. In the search bar he types in Tom Holland Fanfic. The first four post all say smut or NSFW so he’s not going to bother reading them, but the thing that catches his eye is the fact that they all have over 2,000 notes on them. Two thousand people have liked or reblogged about him in a sexual way? What the actual flipping hell?

Before he has the chance to flip out even more, another notification from your blog pops up.

Anonymous Asked:

86?

Y/T/B answered: Praying by Kesha. THIS WOMAN COULD MURDER ME AND I WOULD THANK HER FOR IT. Plus that chorus makes me want to write some epic breakup scene and have one of the people begging the other to feel the same as they are feeling. Oooooo maybe I feel a one shot coming up. Anyway, a memory of this song- my best friend and I blasted this song while we drove from California to Philly to visit a school. It literally got us through so many hours of that drive. Kesha is bae lets be real. Or is that not what the cool kids say?

When he sent you these asks, he thought he would get one or two sentences in response, but he’s learning so much about you from all of these asks. Maybe he would send you some non song related ones, maybe some To- Peter Parker ones to see what else you liked. Purely science based research.

If you’re not ready for it, don’t push yourself. Fanfics can be a weird mindset to put yourself in. I used them at first to distract myself from some shitty family stuff that was going on, but now I read and write them for fun too. I think I mainly read Avenger ones at first as well as some TV shows too. Plus would I be a teenage girl if I didn’t read a few Twilight fanfics back in my day?

Twilight? Like Rob-Tom makes himself type out Rob and Kristen’s full names like a fan would-ert Pattinson and Kristen Stewert Twilight?X

That one exactly. I was the generation it was aimed for and so fanfics galore were my teen years. But I’m proud to say I’m a recovered Twihard.

Glad to hear it darlingX

What about you? What were you into as a kid?

I’ve always been a fan of Spider-Man, ever since I was a kid.X

Comics or movies?

Comics. They’re the originalsX

Which Spider-Man is the best?

Is that a trick question? Obviously HollandX

Was that conceited? Maybe. But hopefully, Y/N doesn’t think so. Oh wait she has no idea-

It was a trick question. A trick question that you clearly got right.

Another notification pops up and you suddenly remember the last number that you sent Y/N. Well hopefully the number doesn’t seem like you.

Anonymous Asked:

69;D

Y/T/B Answered: Noice.

But the actual answer is Bad Religion by Frank Ocean. This song got me through my last bout of depression lol. I remember sitting on the floor of my bedroom with the lights off and just playing this song on repeat. Always open about that here. It also gets me to channel some deep emotions into some pieces that I’m working on because it reminds me of being in that dark place. I also really like the beat of this though, like how it sounds like a mix of an electric piano and an organ. So if I ever name a one shot Bad Religion, it’s probably named after this song.

Tom feels like a weight is sinking in his gut. Almost like someone slammed an anchor into the lower part of his bowl. He didn’t mean to bring up something so dark with that number. He was hoping it would actually make her laugh. So guess he will send her one more number, but this one won’t be on anonymous.

Tomholland2013 asked: 36

Huh, he must have seen all the responses you posted. Between posting and replying to him, you hadn’t gotten much work on your imagine done, but you could post once more before jumping back to your word document.

Tomholland2013 asked: 36

Y/B/N answered: The Night We Met by Lord Huron. I literally saw them in concert with my friends last month so a lot of the memories I have of them are about this. But I have a great fanfic idea for this song specifically. To not spoil it completely I’ll just leave you with three spoilers- first date, first dance, secrets spilled. It’s a work in progress.

Now it’s time to get off the internet and back to writing, or else you’re going to Tumblr your day away.

Taglist: @ serendipitous-amor @im-still-tryin-to-find-it

#tom holland fanfic #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #tom holland imagine #imanativeofswlondondahling #imanativeofswlondondahling asks #hidden in plain sight

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honeyopinion · 4 years ago

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20/20 Albums of the Year

Circles by Mac Miller | Hip-Hop, Soul, Funk Released: January 17, 2020

Best Album For... Pouring One Out for Mac

I wrote a few different drafts of this album summary, and none of them felt like they really fit the impossibly large bill of accurately describing the posthumous importance or brilliance of this album. If you are a fan of hip-hop or soul music of any kind, try to give this piece of work a chance. I for one, used to judge Mac based on his early frat rap days in the late 2000s. But a decade later he came to leave the world with one of the most surprising and frankly impressive artistic evolutions that I’ve been able to witness in real time. RIP Mac.

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Start With: “Circles” or “Everybody”

Marigold by Pinegrove | Alternative Country and Folk Rock Released: January 17, 2020

Best Album For… Passing Through a Small Town on a Cloudy Winter Day

Pinegrove was one of the last great concerts I got to experience before the pandemic. And it was my favorite performance of theirs from the last 6 years of seeing them play live. Is this my favorite album of theirs? Honestly, it’s not. But I still find it extremely enjoyable, and the memory of seeing these songs performed live, along with some of their classics, was enough for me to include it on this list. This is an album that marks Pinegrove’s exit from their pop punk roots. It’s still sentimental, but much more country and folk rock focused vs. anything trying to be associated with emo or punk.

Spotify Apple Music YouTube Pandora Start With: “The Alarmist” or “No Drugs”

Watch This Liquid Pour Itself by Okay Kaya | Synth Pop, Art Rock, Folk Released: January 24, 2020

Best Album For… Crywanking at 3am, Bathed in The Dull Light of Your Overheating Laptop

What if Feist and Father John Misty had a secret love child? They might sound something like Okay Kaya. Self proclaimed “Singer ~ Crywanker,” Okay Kaya brings serious BDE to weirdo art pop that she seems like she could be a plant from the mind of Nathan Fielder. Kaya delivers with such deadpan precision as she rolls out line after line of sarcastic joy, staring blankly at our dystopian reality. “Here I am, the whole world is my daddy,” “Netflix and yeast infection,” “Sex with me is mediocre,” “I just want us to do well like Jon Bon Jovi’s Rosê,” and, “My parasite and I are blushing / In the zero interaction ramen bar,” are just a few examples of some of her memorable and biting lyrics. The entire album is both a critique and nihilistic fondness for the absurdity of our lonely technological society, not quite sure how to deal with taboos like repressed female sexuality, depression, and codependency.

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Start With: “Baby Little Tween” or “Asexual Wellbeing”

UNLOCKED by Denzel Curry and Kenny Beats | Hip-Hop Released: February 7, 2020

Best Album For... Nodding Your Damn Head To, Feeling Cooler Than You Actually Are

I had to double check that this was an album. Clocking in under 20 minutes, this collection of songs feels more like an EP, especially with the track titles that purposefully look like file names and placeholders. But for a short album, Denzel wastes no time, furiously zigging and zagging effortlessly over Kenny Beats’ 90s New York-indebted production (ad libs and all). Kenny pulls out samples of an array of pop culture references made by Denzel (like quotes from movies and weapon sound effects like a lightsaber) — as he rotates his flow between admirable impressions of DMX, Nas, and Joey Bada$$.

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Start With: “So.Incredible.pkg” or “DIET_”

Cardboard City by Zack Villere | Pop, Electronic, R&B Released: February 14, 2020

Best Album For… Pal-ing Around With Your Friends From High School, Maybe Quoting Superbad At The Same Time

The first time I watched a music video from Zack Villere, I noticed the top comment said: “how did frank ocean get trapped in mark zuckerberg.” And while that definitely gets at the heart of how Zack Villere presents himself, he is not a phenomenal singer like Frank Ocean is, nor does he come off as an asshole like Mark Zuckerberg does. I would say that he is just a slightly awkward nerdy white guy who loves hip-hop production and R&B melodies. So the better question is really, “how did drake get trapped in michael cera?” This premise should not work at all, but somehow it does. This is only Villere’s second album, but he shows some serious production and songwriting chops, plus a commitment to his delivery that comes across as genuine, charming, and unique.

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Start With: “Grateful” or “Superhero Strength”

The Slow Rush by Tame Impala | Psych Rock, Synth Pop, Disco Released: February 14, 2020

Best Album For... Throwing a Silent Disco For One

Tame Impala continues on their now 10 year streak of psych rock dominance. Along the way we’ve seen Kevin Parker master and stretch the boundaries of psychedelic production. This has resulted in his music coming as close to sounding like the best aspects of The Beatles, while also expanding into hip hop drums, R&B hooks, plus more and more electronic elements. This is an album that I was not super impressed with when it initially came out, but as we entered the pandemic and were tasked with finding small joys in staying at home all the time, I found myself going back to this album and appreciating the themes of solitude and self reflection that Parker has drawn from throughout his career.

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Start With: “Posthumous Forgiveness” or “One More Hour”

1988 by Knxwledge | Hip-Hop Released: March 27, 2020

Best Album For... Pumping Your Brakes and Driving Slow, Uh *Homie* Although this album is named after a year in the 80s, the sound here is a perfect portal back to 90s golden era hip-hop, with all the gospel, soul samples, and the kind of deep bass you want to feel in your chest. This is the rare, largely instrumental hip-hop album that I find myself going back to, other than works from the legendary J Dilla and MF Doom. Knxwledge is good friends and a frequent collaborator with Anderson .Paak (in the form of NxWorries). Here we get Anderson to grace us with his presence on the track “itkanbe[sonice]”, and of course it sounds just like an authentic vintage soul sample. When I hear this collection of songs it makes me wish I still had a car, so I could inevitably damage my speakers listening to this.

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Start With: “dont be afraid” or “thats allwekando.”

Future Nostalgia by Dua Lipa | Pop, R&B, Funk, Disco Released: March 27, 2020 Best Album For... Alarming Your Pet With Your Enthusiastic Lip Syncing

This album is a pure sugar rush. Like Bruno Mars with the help of Mark Ronson, or Calvin Harris a few years ago, Dua has harnessed a nostalgia (it’s even in the title, wink) for disco, funk and R&B, and is instantly a sexy, catchy, not-so-guilty pleasure. It’s sad that the majority of these songs are all bonafide club hits that didn’t have a proper home this year … except for my living room. And hopefully yours.

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Start With: “Pretty Please” or “Future Nostalgia”

Hold Space For Me by Orion Sun | Alternative R&B and Hip-Hop Released: March 27, 2020

Best Album For... Wishing Frank Ocean Was Your Dad

“Alternative R&B” is a contentious term, but what else would you call one of a few R&B singers cool enough to make it onto (NYC indie darlings) Mom+Pop Records?? On one hand, she brings the vulnerable and introverted lyrics of an indie singer songwriter like Tracey Chapman, crossed with the raw presence and sweet melodic delivery of a true R&B star like Aaliyah. I’d even go far enough to refer to her as the musical stepchild of Frank Ocean and SZA.

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Start With: “Ne Me Quitte Pass (Don’t Leave Me)” or “Lightning”

You and Your Friends by Peach Pit | Indie Rock and Dream Pop Released: April 3, 2020

Best Album For... Going Back To Your College Town To Crash A Party

Peach Pit seem like they would be cool dudes to hang out with. You have no problem picturing them as the band playing a house show in an indie movie about college kids. And that’s because there’s a familiarity to the scenes that their songs portray, of stumbling through your 20s, either being too dumb or having too much fun to notice. It’s funny to refer to this as “Indie” rock since this is Peach Pit’s major label debut with Columbia Records. But It has all the trappings of Indie; sticky melodies, gentle reverb, an “I’m not trying that hard” vibe, and lyrics that are oddly specific enough to be interesting, but still vague enough to be relatable.

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Start With: “Feelin’ Low (Fuckboy Blues)” or “Shampoo Bottles”

Heaven To a Tortured Mind by Yves Tumor | Psych Rock, Indie Pop, Post-Punk, Alternative R&B, Experimental Electronic Released: April 3, 2020

Best Album For... Tearing Up The Fucking Dance Floor With Your Hot Robot Girlfriend

If Tyler the Creator, Alex G, King Krule, and Blood Orange all got into the studio together and dropped a shit ton of acid on Halloween, their recording session might sound something like Heaven To a Tortured Mind… And even then, you still might have trouble putting your finger on exactly what you’re hearing. “Dream Palette” is a good reference track for Tumor’s most wild and mesmerizing qualities. The biggest styles of the past half century of music have been loaded into this gleefully effective genre blender, with blades of dissonance slicing everything up, creating a surrealist sonic smoothie.

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Start With: “Super Stars” or “Dream Palette”

The New Abnormal by The Strokes | Indie Rock, Dirtbag Disco, Synth Pop Released: April 10, 2020

Best Album For... Mixing Yourself Another Drink This Saturday Night

Back from the dead, The Strokes return with their first album in 7 years to turn some heads and settle back into some old habits. The charming messy haired garage rock of the early 2000s still pops up here and there, but this is really a record where the group is mature enough to show you that they actually are trying, and are unafraid to take joyous swings for the fences. Julian Casablancas pushes his scratchy alley cat yelp of a voice into something more vulnerable, sunny, and sweet, like he asked for a piña colada (you know, with one of those little umbrellas) instead of a double shot of scotch before hopping up on stage… Or maybe he did both. But these days, everyone is looking for some sort of break from our groundhog day lives any way that we can. Sometimes that sounds like selling out, or depending on how you look at it, stepping up. This album is the result of a group of old friends who got together to make music they simply want to make for themselves. Now far removed from the 2000s New York scene where their younger selves were acting too cool and disaffected to care about having fun.

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Start With: “Eternal Summer” or “The Adults Are Talking”

The Loves of Your Life by Hamilton Leithauser | Indie Rock and Alternative Country Released: April 10, 2020

Best Album For... Drinking Down At The Docks, Watching The Sun Set

While I am a fan of The Walkmen, I have no idea what their frontman Hamilton Leithauser looks like or how he dresses. But hearing these songs off of his latest solo, I imagine the following: a member of Mumford and Sons if they were edgy and cooler, giving off a “cowboy rocker meets depression-era dock worker” aesthetic. That’s exactly how his music comes off to me. It’s a convincing blend of blues rock, Americana, and old timey country music. All expertly narrated by dusty country guitars and standup bass, tarnished horns and flutes, and what I imagine to be a restored saloon piano. The Loves of Your Life originally started as a collection of short stories, each about characters based on both people he knew and strangers. Leithauser then wrote the music separately, and finally came to mix and match their parts together in a surprisingly convincing fashion to create the album.

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Start With: “Wack Jack” or “Cross-Sound Ferry (Walk-On Ticket)”

What Kinda Music by Tom Misch and Yussef Dayes | Neo-Soul, Electronic, Hip-Hop

Released: April 24, 2020

Best Album For... Cooking For Someone You’re In Love With

Exactly what kind of music do Tom Misch and Yussef Dayes make? It’s orchestral, it’s jazz-infused, it’s hip-hop beats joined with gentle soul. It’s a little sexy, it’s a little mysterious, and you’re going to want to listen to it a whole lot. That’s it. That’s what kind of music it is! Send tweet.

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Start With: “What Kinda Music” or “Storm Before The Calm”

Petals For Armor by Hayley Williams | Electronic Pop and Art Rock Released: May 8, 2020

Best Album For... Browsing Depop for Your Next 80s Normcore ‘Fit

Hayley, Hayley, Hayley. You are too good for this wretched world!! After exploring more adventurous sounds and genre hopping over the last few Paramore records, Hayley decided to go out on her own. This really frees herself from the expectations that come along with being the face and heart of a wildly popular band for the last 15+ years. Thom Yorke fans rejoice, because Hayley Williams has a clear admiration for Radiohead’s haunting indie electronic vibe, while emoting some pain and darkness atop her love for 80s pop and art rock (think Genesis, Devo, The Talking Heads). This is a promising new avenue for Hayley to explore herself and process her pain and desire completely on her own. I see this new project of hers only blooming further from here.

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Start With: “Simmer” or “Sudden Desire”

Set My Heart On Fire Immediately by Perfume Genius | Indie Pop and Art Rock Released: May 15, 2020

Best Album For... Daydreaming That You Were Somewhere Else

For his 5th studio album, Perfume Genius enlists production wizard and guitar god Blake Mills, along with Grammy Award-winning arranger and multi-instrumentalist Rob Moose to create a beautiful swirling mosaic of 80s pastel pop that also packs serious classic rock grandeur. Bass guitar dances between satin smooth lines on one song to churning distorted currents on the next. Sparkling string arrangements and organs bleed together to expose a fading sunset that you’ll want to try and hold in your hands to keep it in sight. Perfume Genius is unafraid to challenge traditional masculinity, packing a 21st century queer machismo into both the quiet moments and jubilant explosions.

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Start With: “Without You” or “Describe”

græ by Moses Sumney | Indie Pop, Art Rock, Neo-Soul, Psychic Folk Released: May 15, 2020

Best Album For... Astral Projection 101

I mean this in the best way possible, but I think that Moses Sumney is a witch. Or maybe a wizard? There’s no other reasonable explanation for the level of creativity and wonder that he summons. This album feels like a private concert by a waterfall (similar to one on the cover), with ethereal pleas, and heavy ideas—like meditating on what lies beyond the constraints of the physical self and reconsidering how well we can actually trust memory and the mind. Sumney layers his voice to create the effect of a ghostly choir, accented by a stark intimidating falsetto that reverberates through the ruins of an abandoned temple where Sumney is the only one in attendance.

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Start With: “Cut Me” or “Polly”

WILL THIS MAKE ME GOOD by Nick Hakim | Psychedelic Neo-Soul Released: May 15, 2020

Best Album For... Playing Pool in a Hazy Dive Bar

Nick Hakim is a silky smooth smokey crooner who paints with warbly piano loops, dreamy reverb-heavy guitar, boom bap beats—not to mention a falsetto that would make Smokey Robinson jealous. Clearly a fan of Motown and 60s jazz, Hakim could be considered a peer of Thunder Cat and Anderson .Paak’s to a degree. I remember seeing him perform at Music Hall of Williamsburg a few years ago. The performance ended with him falling down on stage (presumably from being under the influence of multiple substances). But while the song continued he popped back up and belted an impressive high note like it was nothing, drink in hand. And it’s that kind of messy beauty that also makes this album so engrossing. Like watching the eye of the storm get closer and closer, but unable to look away from the sheer magnetism that nature can wield.

Spotify Apple Music YouTube Pandora Start With: “All THESE CHANGES” or “ALL THESE INSTRUMENTS”

RTJ4 by Run The Jewels | Hip-Hop Released: June 3, 2020

Best Album For... Making Your Next Protest Sign

Run The Jewels’ fourth outing might be the most unapologetically angry rap album in the “fuck this” year of 2020. And it reminded me that I should absolutely still be furious about everything that happened during this groundbreaking yet terrifyingly familiar year: country wide protests over the continued murder of innocent black people at the hands of the police, government drone strikes and detaining kids in cages, the state of our environment worsening—and that’s not even addressing the pandemic or election. Killer Mike and El-P are here to scream from the rooftops that our current system of cutthroat capitalism and white supremacy is killing the planet and its inhabitants, and I’m glad that they’re using their platform to continue to sound the alarm.

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Start With: “out of sight” or “ooh la la”

Your Hero Is Not Dead by Westerman | New Wave Revival and Indie Pop Released: June 5, 2020 Best Album For... Wanting Your Old School MTV

The cover of Westerman’s first proper album is mostly black and white, except for the title, which is scrawled out in lettering which spans the Crayola color spectrum. It’s an album that on the surface is cold and buttoned up, but when these choruses open up, the maximalist 80s power pop bursts like the bulbs of a neon sign. There’s a level of even-keeled cool and confidence in small moments on display here that makes this relatively new artist seem well beyond his years. Having seen him play at Rough Trade a few years ago (opening up for the stellar Puma Blue), the songwriting growth on display on this record is impressive. I’m only sad that there wasn’t an opportunity to have seen him play these new songs live.

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Start With: “Easy Money” or “Confirmation (SSBD)”

Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers | Indie Rock and Alternative Country Released: June 18, 2020

Best Album For... Burning Incense and Breaking Out a Ouija Board to Talk to The Ghost of Your Former Self

This is without a doubt, a career defining release for Phoebe. Taking everything she’s learned from writing, performing, and touring with the likes of Lucy Dacus and Julien Baker (in boygenius), and Conor Oberst (in Better Oblivion Community Center), Bridgers levels up to become the truly prolific singer-songwriter she’s been telling us she would always be. Bridgers has explained her personal definition of “a punisher” as a well meaning person who’s, “just talking to you and they don’t realize that your eyes are glazed over and you’re trying to escape.” Vital to understanding this album and its central message is that Phoebe finds herself caught between the contradiction of falling victim to this phenomenon while also doing it herself, especially if she ever met her musical idol, Elliott Smith. Punisher serves as a warning to her audience that if you focus too much on trying to find yourself through other people (via escaping through fandom, drugs, toxic relationships), you’ll always feel lost and dissatisfied, without the proper self awareness to ever quite know why.

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Start With: “Garden Song” or “ICU”

Women In Music Pt. III by HAIM | Rock, Pop, Folk, R&B Released: June 26, 2020

Best Album For... Preparing For A Better 2021, lol

With this album, HAIM skyrocketed to the #1 position of family bands that start with an “H.” Sorry, Hanson! But seriously, HAIM has outdone themselves on this one. If there was one album from this list that I would dub my personal AOTY, this would be it. You might wince at any tracklist longer than 10-12 songs these days (I know I usually do), but almost every song proves itself worthy, pulling at a different thread of my heart until there’s nothing left. Sunshine State Beach Pop? Check. Blues Tinged Dad Rock? Yup! Dive Bar Country? Mmhmm! No, wait, what’s that you say, Glitched-Out R&B? Yes, yes, and yes. You can have it all, sister! ‘Cause when you’re Haim, you’re family! ;) And these three “women in music” continue to prove that they are just about the best Assorted Pop Rocks(™) act in the world right now.

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Start With: “I’ve Been Down” or “Don’t Wanna”

Lianne La Havas by Lianne La Havas | Neo-Soul and Indie Pop Released: July 17, 2020

Best Album For... Sipping Coffee and Journaling on a Weekend Morning

This album exudes a warm vulnerability, like a comforting hug we all needed this year. On her third album, Lianne La Havas makes the risky decision to self title it, a move that artists make when they believe that it is the piece of work that they most want most directly associated with their name. It’s one thing to name your first album after yourself if you can’t think of anything else at the time, but to make a self titled album in the middle of your career, it means that you are sure about having captured who you really are and who you want people to remember you as. “If I love myself, I know I can't be no one else,” La Havas admits on the standout track, “Paper Thin.” She knows that she will meet her destiny and reach self actualization, but only through self love. And finally, I cannot overstate how breathtaking La Havas’s voice comes across on this album. The strength and control on display in her vocal tone and vibrato is quite a spectacle.

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Start With: “Paper Thin” or “Sour Flower”

Limbo by Aminé | Hip-Hop and R&B Released: August 7, 2020

Best Album For... Trying and Get Over Kanye With

On Limbo, Aminé establishes himself as one of the torchbearers of soul-sampling, lyrics-driven hip-hop that still cares about storytelling, skits, and presenting vocals clearly. Kanye West, Drake, and J. Cole all paved the way for someone from the next generation like Aminé to keep the dream alive and avoid succumbing to the “feel good, don’t think” form of passive listening that mumble rap has made the standard for mainstream hip-hop.

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Start With: “Pressure In My Palms” or “My Reality”

Shore by Fleet Foxes | Folk and Indie Rock Released: September 22, 2020

Best Album For... Running Along The Beach With Your Arms Stretched Out

It was really kind of Robin Pecknold and co. to have released an album this triumphant, calming, and awe-inspiring during the year of our Lorde 2020. On behalf of myself and anyone else who suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder, the SAD people of the world really needed this, man. And to anyone who is quick to judge these beard-o’s of being boring, you’re simply not using your ears properly. Yeah, you know those two things on either side of your head? Get the gunk out of them! That way you’ll hear the choir of angels with acoustic guitars who are here to guide us through quarantine and beyond.

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Start With: “Can I Believe You” or “A Long Way Past The Past”

Listen to all of these albums together in our playlist.

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takerfoxx · 5 years ago

Text

All right, so long as we’re playing catch-up, let’s address exactly what I was doing over the weekend that cut into my activity, why I posted “finally” at 3AM Sunday morning for seemingly no reason, and why at that very same time I was kneeling on the living room floor in front of the television, a luchador mask pulled down over my face, a Los Ingobernables de Japon towel draped over my shoulders, stomach full of Pringles and candy, and tears of joy prickling at my eyes.

You see, something happened at that moment, something I’ve been waiting to see for two years, something that brought me the most genuine joy and relief from any story in an exceptionally long time.

Yes, this is going to be about wrestling. Deal with it.

But honestly, it was more than just my favorite wrestler winning the big one at the big show against the big rival. It was the culmination of a five year journey, a story with twists and turns, one about failure and redemption, starring the coolest anti-hero ever and that happened almost entirely by accident.

Let’s wind back the clocks a bit. I’ve been a fan of pro wrestling for pretty much about half my life now. I got into it at around seventeen when I saw the Undertaker on tv, remained a devoted fan for several years, and even when I stopped watching due to life circumstance I still kept up with what was happening through internet news and would pick up the occasional PVP DVD from Best Buy. And over time I became as equally fascinated with what was going on outside the ring as inside it, with how these seemingly normal men and women would craft intricate second identities that they would embody at almost all times in order to stage violent battles over extravagant prizes. Wrestling is basically live action anime, and has been my longest lasting passion.

But unfortunately, at that time wrestling was entering something of a dark age. The WWE crushing all of its competition had left it without any reason to really try, and the quality dropped. Sure, there was the occasional bright spot, the occasional revolutionary storyline or character that would make waves, like the Shield, CM Punk, the Broken Hardys, Daniel Bryan, etc. All well and good, but these bright spots were just that, and overall the landscape seemed bleak. And when I traveled to Florida for Wrestlemania to see the Undertaker’s grand finale, I sort of considered my own grand finale with the WWE, a way to close the book on that chapter of my life. I saw my idol, the man that got me into wrestling in the first place, reach the end of his story, and so I could move on.

And then something magical happened.

In early 2017, the wrestling world suddenly started clamoring. Apparently, a match in Japan had happened between two wrestlers I knew little about that was supposedly the greatest match of all time, a transcendent masterpiece that dwarfed all other contests. These two men were called Kenny Omega and Kazuchika Okada, and the match was at an event called Wrestlekingdom, for a promotion called New Japan Pro Wrestling.

Now, I knew what NJPW was, of course. I had read several wrestling autobiographies, and many of those wrestlers had done tours there. And I knew of the famous Bullet Club through several of its members coming to WWE and bringing that attitude with them. And of course Shinsuke Nakamure also going to WWE and Kota Ibushi working the Cruiserweight Classic tournament put NJPW in a spotlight. And yet, until that moment, I hadn’t actually really checked it out. I had checked out a couple matches here and there, but they weren’t really my thing, so that was that.

But I had to see this match. I had to see what all the fuss was about. So I hunted down a recording and watched now.

Now, my experience probably wasn’t the same as a dedicated fan watching it in full live. I was someone going in cold, watching it in chunks here and there over a couple days. But it was a damned good match. I could see why it was so highly praised. But it wasn’t enough to make me keep watching.

But then, as a listened to several wrestling journalists and commentators discuss the match, one made mention of its very slow start, pointing out that it had to start slow because it was following another fantastic and highly anticipated match that had gone on right before it. So my curiosity got the better of me, I looked up this other match for the Intercontinental Championship between a couple of guys called Tetsuya Naito and Hiroshi Tanahashi, and…oh…

dailymotion

That. That’s all it took. Tetsuya Naito’s entrance, right there. I had never seen anything that cool before in my life, from his fancy suit and skull mask combo, to his overall languid disdain for everything around him, to how the giant eye opens up on the screen behind him right as he removes his mask, to the way he tosses his championship belt around like he couldn’t care less. He was absolutely mesmerizing.

This match clicked with me in a way that the other didn’t, and it was all because of Naito. His trollish persona, his mindgames, his over bastard demeanor had me hooked, and I simply had to know more about the man!

Well, it really looks like I know how to pick them, because not only was Naito a fascinating character, he had an actual bonafide backstory, the sort that would make any anti-hero jealous. And rare for a wrestling character, it happened almost by accident in a manner that came incredibly close to sabotaging his entire career.

To explain why, we have to go over to the man he was facing that night. We have to explain Hiroshi Tanahashi.

Tanahashi. The Ace of the Universe. The Once in a Century Talent. The Savior of New Japan Wrestling. The man that took the company on his back and singlehandedly lifted it out of its darkest days.

Tanahashi’s persona has been described by many as being the Japanese John Cena. Certainly there are parallels, in that’s he’s portrayed as an ultra-wholesome do-gooder, the ultimate superhero, an incorruptible paragon of good that was always the top champion, was always in the main event spot, and almost always won.

However, that comparison also does Tanahashi a massive disservice, because while John Cena’s supposedly unbreakable goodness and winning streak made large swaths of fans turns against him, the crowd in Japan never stopped loving Tanahashi. That is in part because he came around when the company was in a bad place financially and creatively. Multiple bad business decisions had left it in a rut, and poor attempts to course correct had only made things worse. But Tanahashi was exactly the man they needed, someone who could take Japanese workrate and combine it with Western flashiness and pageantry to turn himself into a genuine must-see star, and unlike John Cena, whose wrestling skills never seemed to be equal to his billing until fairly late in his career, Tanahashi was an amazing wrestler from the get-go, one who had a knack for pulling the best performances out of his opponents and make them look like a million bucks, so that even when he won, they came out of it looking better for having battled against the Ace.

Tanahashi saved the company. He brought back the fans, filled the seats, and got people buzzing about NJPW again. Hell, he pretty much was the only thing keeping the company afloat until other stars, such as his arch-nemesis Shinsuke Nakamura, Prince Devitt and the aggressively Western Bullet Club, and others could come along to help shoulder the load. However, while having all those other stars was great, they could not fill Tanahashi’s role, and too many were being tempted away with big WWE contracts. Tanahashi wasn’t going to be around forever. Sooner or later, a new Ace needed to be created.

To this, the company decided to have not one, but two stars at the ready, one to fill the role of Ace, the ultimate good guy, and the other to be his rival, the ultimate bad guy. For this, they chose two of their most promising rookie, a pair of prodigies that had all the tools they needed to succeed. The one chosen to be the bad guy was one Kazuchika Okada, the Rainmaker.

And the man chosen to one day replace Hiroshi Tanahashi as the Ace of New Japan was Tetsuya Naito.

In Okada’s case, the plan worked perfectly. He spent some time in America, where he studied various tapes and characters and came up with the gimmick of the Rainmaker, an ultra-arrogant rich boy who draped himself with gold and acted as if he was owed the world. And it is with this gimmick, this character, that Okada was rocketed into an immediate rivalry with Tanahashi himself, where he then showed everyone that he could walk the walk and was, despite his youth and inexperience, one of the greatest wrestlers walking the earth. His and Tanahashi’s rivalry has become the stuff of legends, as the upstart newcomer battled against the aging veteran for the top prize in a series of matches that are simply breathtaking in their quality. When it came to Okada, his place was secured.

At the same time Okada was being built up as the man who deposed Tanahashi, Naito was being groomed to be the man to replace Tanahashi. He built up a following as a white-meat babyface nicknamed the Stardust Genius, an enthusiastic, high-flying underdog hero that the fans could get behind. He was even turned on by his tag-team partner to build sympathy. Over time, he rose through the ranks, gaining popularity and esteem, until finally the time came to pull the trigger.

Okada had already taken Tanahashi down and claimed the Heavyweight Championship for himself, so someone had to be the one to confront him at Wrestlekingdom. That someone was, of course, Naito, who won the prestigious G1 Climax tournament by besting Tanahashi himself and earning the right to challenge the champion at Wrestlekingdom, and he did so to rapturous applause. Everything was working out great.

And then, just when it seemed that Naito the Stardust Genius and Naito the actual person had finally achieved everything he had ever dreamed of, it all came crashing down.

As Tanahashi was being led to the back, Naito got on the mic to make his celebratory promo, in which he declared himself to be the Shuyaka, or top star, of New Japan.

This was a mistake.

You see, it was still in Japan, and Japanese culture still puts great stock in its elders, those who have established themselves as successful leaders, and there was no veteran wrestler as beloved as Tanahashi. So for Naito to brazen declare himself to be the Shuyaka right there when Tanahashi was still in the room was akin to a slap in the face.

Now, unlike WWE, New Japan does not script out their wrestlers’ promos. More often than not, they simply improvise, say what they want, so long as they hit the right points. So this little comment came directly from Naito. Perhaps it was a heat of the moment thing, something he just spouted off in the giddiness of having won the G1? Maybe it’s something he planned out in advance. Regardless, it doesn’t matter, because right at the moment that was supposed kick off his rise to the top, it instead was the beginning of the end for Naito.

Now that the main event spotlight was upon him, it was up to Naito to back his arrogant words up, and he outright bombed, and bombed spectacularly. Oh, he was still an excellent wrestler, but he just didn’t have what it took to be the next Tanahashi. He didn’t have Tanahashi’s irresistible charisma, Tanahashi’s godlike connection with the crowd, his knack for eliciting sympathy while under attack and making the place erupt with cheers when he made a comeback. Instead of making both himself and his opponent look good like the Ace should, Naito would look weak even in victory. Everything about Naito just seemed off, like he was trying to wear someone else’s clothes that were not made to fit him, and it was clear that he was completely out of his depth. And little by little, the crowd who once chanted his name began to turn on him.

Cheers dulled to polite applause, which weakened to apathy. Naito was dead in the water. Instead of riding a tidal wave of support and momentum into his clash with Okada, he was being greeting by silence, which is the worst response for a wrestler to get. Negative reactions were one thing; any wrestler worth their salt could work with getting booed when they ought to be getting cheered. It’s what turned the Rock into the blazing star he became, after all. But Naito was getting absolutely nothing at all. And things finally came to a head when he came out to a wall of silence to formally challenge Okada for the Heavyweight Title and once again called himself the Shuyaka.

And the audience laughed at him.

They laughed. They mocked him. Naito wasn’t a anything anymore. He wasn’t the hero, he wasn’t the valiant underdog, he wasn’t a rising star, he most certainly wasn’t the Shuyaka. He was a joke.

And New Japan noticed.

It bears repeating that this wasn’t supposed to happen. Wrestling is fixed and staged, yes, with storylines and rivalries being written out in advance backstage and the wrestlers themselves only feigning hostility and working together to make the matches as exciting as possible, but things don’t always go according to plan. The crowd was supposed to be cheering Naito. They were supposed to be chanting his name. Instead, the loudest reaction he was garnering was laughter. And with him already penciled in to face Okada for the Heavyweight Title in the main event of their biggest show of the year, New Japan was in trouble.

However, they had an out. The crowd might not care one bit about Naito vs. Okada, but they were intensely interested in the undercard battle for the Intercontinental Championship, which was to be between none other than Shinsuke Nakamura and, you guessed it, Hiroshi Tanahashi. The writing was on the wall. The crowd didn’t want this inferior new model. They already had a perfectly good Hiroshi Tanahashi, and would accept no substitutes.

For the first time ever, the company took a fan vote. Which match did they want to headline Wrestlekingdom? The battle for the top title by the two young up-and-comers, or the match for the lesser title by the established stars? By a factor of 70%-30%, people voted for Tanahashi vs. Nakamura, thoroughly rejecting Natio.

Now, I’ve seen video of the moment Naito was laughed at by the crowd. I’ve also seen clips of when the results were announced. And in both cases, Naito looked absolutely heartbroken, like he had a lump in his throat and was trying not to cry. And why shouldn’t he feel that way? This was his dream, the moment he had sweat and bled for years to achieve, the moment he had done everything that was asked of him in order to earn! It wasn’t his fault that he wasn’t Tanahashi! It wasn’t his fault that they had told him to be something he was not! It wasn’t fair!

Fair or not, the decision was made. The Naito experiment had failed, and while it isn’t known if he was originally scheduled to win the title, he certainly couldn’t be allowed to hold it now. In quick succession, he lost the Tokyo Dome main event, the match itself, the undercard title he was already holding at the time, and slipped down the card. He was booked to lose most of his matches now, and the crowd continued to be absolutely merciless, turning from apathy to outright hostility. The man who had been rising to the top of the mountain was now little better than a jobber. Naito had lost.

And so, after little more than a year of enduring abuse and ridicule for something that really wasn’t his fault, Naito left the company and departed for Mexico in disgrace.

Naito’s first excursion to Mexico as a rookie wrestler years later had been rough, and he had been constantly bombarded by racist taunts from the crowd. This time, however, things were different. This time he had friends waiting for him, specifically a luchador named La Sombra, whom Naito had befriended a couple years earlier. And as it so happened, La Sombra knew exactly how Naito felt. He too had tried to play the wholesome good guy only to be flatly rejected by the crowd. He had tried to do the right thing only to have it thrown back in his face. And so he had decided that if he was going to get booed anyway, then he was going to do something to earn it.

La Sombra had turned heel, rejecting the crowd like they had rejected him, and gathered a small group of like-minded individuals. Callings themselves Los Ingobernables, they embraced being outright bastards who did what they wanted, how they wanted, and wallowed in the crowd’s hatred. For poor Naito, the experience was life-changing. No longer hampered by New Japan’s restrictions, he was allowed to cut loose, unleashing his pent-up aggression out on his opponents and the crowd alike. He was finally allowed to be the bad guy, and it felt good.

As such, when he later returned to New Japan later that year, the Naito that the Japanese crowd was a very different person than the one they had rejected.

Gone was the excitable good boy who was happy to be there. Gone was the attempts to pander to the crowd and do the right thing. This new Naito was a lazy, dickish malcontent, one who straight up didn’t give a fuck. He regularly refused to do his part to win matches for whatever team he was assigned to, would regularly abandon his partners, lounge around when he was supposed to be wrestlers, and walk off during beat-downs, leaving his partners to the wolves. He showed disrespect to everyone and anyone, spitting in people’s faces, cheating whenever he felt like it, screwing with the referees and ring crew, and generally just being a really unpleasant person. The only thing that he seemed to care about at all was his Los Ingobernables hat and the group it symbolized, the only people in the world to ever accept him.

If the crowd disliked him before, then they outright hated him now, and before too long Naito was the most hated man in the company. And he just relished in their anger. Yeah, that’s right! I tried to be the good guy, and you rejected me! So now here’s the new me! Enjoy!

But it didn’t stop there. Naito might now be a lazy asshole, but he still had his ambition, and over time he started to gather disciples of his own, such as the psychotic Jet-Black Death Mask BUSHI, the self-proclaimed King of Darkness EVIL, and the silent and sinister Cold Skull SANADA, and later on the lovably deranged Ticking-Time Bomb Hiromu Takahashi and the deadly brawler known as the Dragon Shingo Takagi. Together, they formed the Japanese branch of Los Ingobernables, known as Los Ingobernables de Japon. And together, they cut a swatch across New Japan, using their uncanny coordination to overwhelm opponents with their numbers and pick them apart. What was more, in a company that revolved around faction warfare, this small group, easily the smallest of the New Japan factions, stood out. Others were alliances of convenience, or several individuals working together toward a common goal, or friends who occasionally had each other’s backs. But LIJ was a brotherhood, a family of outcast miscreants.

And then, something fascinating started to happen.

The tide began to turn on Naito, and the crowd began to appreciate El Ingobernable in a way they had never appreciated the Stardust Genius. In a culture built around conformity, seniority, and submission, there were many among the younger fans who also felt left behind by society, unappreciated by their employers, overlooked because of their youth. To them, Naito became something of a symbol, a man who had both company and society turn their backs on him, and who turned his back on them in turn. And unlike the manufacturedness of the Stardust Genius, this was something that felt real. The crowd’s rejection of Naito had been real, as was his betrayal by the company, so everything he did now felt completely honest, and they appreciated that about him. They empathized with him. They understood him. And what was more, for the first time ever, Naito was actually cool. His new detached contempt made him hotter than he had ever been. Instead of the plucky hero, he had turned into the edgy renegade, the man with a grudge and chip on his shoulder, and every reason to feel slighted.

The boos quieted, and in their place Naito began to hear what he had craved for so long. People were cheering for him. People were chanting his name. LIJ merchandise became New Japan’s hottest selling item, supplanting even merchandising titans that were the Bullet Club in some places. Because Naito had tapped into something that few other wrestlers other wrestlers had managed to reach. He had touched the zeitgeist of a generation and become something real. He had turned himself into a movement.

However, unlike other anti-heroes that had found themselves unexpectedly popular, Naito did not lose his teeth. Instead, he took all of that support and channeled it, feeding upon it and using it to drive himself further and further up the card. He embraced his new legions of fans while not caring one whit for anyone else. To his mind, if you were with Los Ingobernables, then you were cool. If not, then fuck you.

Now with his brothers at his side and his supporters at his back, Naito once again went after Okada, whose star had only risen higher in Naito’s absence. Okada had recently managed the impossible and defeated Tanahashi at Wrestlekingdom to claim the throne that was meant for Naito. Using his new talent for mind games to bewilder and stall Okada, and having his brothers swoop in with sneak attacks time and time again, Naito finally managed to get the better of Okada and claim the Heavyweight Title.

Which he then tossed away like a piece of trash.

See, it wasn’t about fulfilling his dream anymore. It wasn’t even about proving himself. It was about making a statement. It was about getting back at those who had left him in the dust. In Naito’s mind, he had already reforged himself into the biggest star in the company, and he did it on his own without the higher-uppers’ help. So why should he treat the title like it was a big deal? He was a bigger deal than it, and so long as he held it, he was going to treat the top prize of New Japan with as much disrespect as New Japan had shown him.

Naito’s time as top champion was ultimately a short one, but that didn’t slow him down. He instead then focused on gaining the Intercontinental Championship instead, which he did. However, this time wasn’t coldly disrespectful to the title, he was outright malicious and abusive! He wouldn’t just toss it around like it didn’t matter, he would actively try to destroy it, by kicking it around, throwing it against the steel steps and ring posts, spitting on it, leaving it behind in the ring, and at one time trying to use it to pay for snacks at a convenience store. It was that title that had robbed him of his coveted Tokyo Dome main event, and now he was going to get his revenge.

And the more vile and abusive Naito was toward NJPW’s treasured prizes, the more people loved him. The Ungovernable Army was growing by leap and bounds, and soon Naito was being cheered when going against Tanahashi. The message was clear. Naito had absolutely been the right choice to place at the forefront of the company, but not as an artificial Tanahashi clone, but as himself. He had tapped into something real, and it was carrying him forward on a wave of momentum.

But Natio wasn’t done. He had rebuilt himself as a star when the company couldn’t. He had founded a movement of the mistreated and disenfranchised, one that embraced him as their standard-bearer. He had even held the top title, albeit for only a short time. He had claims victories over both Okada and Tanahashi. But though he had gotten his revenge, he hadn’t taken back what had been denied him.

He had to main event Wrestlekingdom.

He had to win back the Heavyweight Title in the main event of Wrestlekingdom.

He had to prove that he really was the Shuyaka. The crowd now believed in him. Now it was time for those whose shadows he stood in to understand as well.

See, despite all of his contempt and disrespect, despite having shed the Stardust Genius, despite for all of his tranquilo disinterest, deep down inside Naito still cared. That driven young wrestler with stars in his eyes desperately wishing to ascend to the top of the company that he dearly loved was still there. The wound of rejection still gaped open, and he desperately needed to prove to himself that he was worthy of being the Shuyaka.

After finally losing the Intercontinental Championship (to Hiroshi Tanahashi no less), Naito powered through the grueling G1 Climax, winning his block and again progressing to the finals. But waiting for him was none other than Bullet Club leader Kenny Omega, the man who had won that same tournament the previous year and was gaining a reputation as possibly the best wrestler in the world.

What followed was a spectacular battle between two alpha anti-heroes, each of them heading immensely popular villainous factions and vying for the same prize. Naito and Omega gave each other everything they had, taking greater and greater risks and nearly ending their own careers several times. And at one point, Naito seemed to have finally gained the upper hand and laid Kenny out. The crowd roared in delight, certain that their hero was going to win the big one.

And then Naito made a mistake.

Overcome by the prospect of victory and giddy with emotion, he did not go for the cover or set up his finishing maneuver, the Destino. Instead, he turned and pointed at the top turnbuckle, signaling for the Stardust Press, the finishing move of the long-abandoned Stardust Genius persona. He believed that by winning with that move, he would prove that he had always been worthy, that even as the Stardust Genius he had still been deserving of being the top star.

The crowd roared with anticipation. They too understood what move meant to him. They knew his story very well.

Unfortunately, Kenny managed to roll out of the way, causing Naito to come crashing down.

It was almost the end then, but Naito managed to rally and finally put Kenny Omega down with a pair of Destinos, once again winning the G1 Climax, and this time as the beloved star he was almost meant to be. And with the G1 trophy in hand and his fellow Ingobernables all around him, he got on the mic and once again proclaimed himself to be the Shuyaka, and this time there was no objections whatsoever. Everyone agreed with him.

That ought to have been the catalyst to his ascension to the top. Finally, the Wrestlekingdom main event was his, and he had done it on his own! Tickets to Wrestlekingdom were selling better than ever, everyone wanting to see the Ungovernable One finally achieved his Destino. And on that, fans flocked to the Tokyo Dome and tuned in to the stream from around the world, all of them with one thought. This had to be it, right? Naito had to win the big one. It was his time!

Unfortunately, reality can often be a cruel mistress.

Despite all he had achieved, this was Naito’s first Wrestlekingdom main event, and in his excitement he forgot the tranquilo attitude that had brought him his success. Whereas Okada had main-evented not only multiple Wrestlekingdoms at that point, he had become perhaps the greatest champion of all time, striking down every challenger and sending them hurtling back into the abyss. To him, it was just another title defense. As wrestling’s self-proclaimed Final Boss, no one had been able to touch him, not Tanahashi, not Kenny Omega, no one.

Not even Naito.

Naito again began playing to the crowd, pulling out moves he hadn’t used in a long time, including two more attempts at the Stardust Press, but none of them succeeded. Okada had his eye on the prize, and he took advantage of Naito’s lack of focus to turn his pandering back against him, rallying and taking him down. One, two, three.

When that pinfall was counted and Okada declared the winner, fans all over the world felt the air get sucked out of their lungs. What had happened? Why had Naito lost? This was supposed to be it, his big moment! How could he fail.

Then, as Naito left the ring in defeat, Okada got on the mic and called him out, mockingly asking him how it felt to main event the Tokyo Dome, and suggesting that if he liked it, he could try again. In answer, Naito gave a nonchalant smirk, but inside his heart was breaking. He had finally gotten everyone to rally behind he, and he had let them down.

Over the next two years, Naito would try and fail to regain the same momentum that had led him to the Tokyo Dome, only to see obstacle after obstacle. He would get eliminated from the New Japan Cup twice. He would score high on the next two G1’s, only to choke in his last matches, failing to gain enough points to qualify for the finals. And, as if to mock him, his fate seemed entwined with the Intercontinental Championship.

Despite his disinterest in it, the title seemed to keep finding its way back to him, and he would find himself battling the likes of the sadistic Minoru Suzuki, the brash foreigner Christ Jericho, and his supremely talented “frenemy” Kota Ibushi for the title. Though he would lose it every now again, circumstance would bring him once again in contention with whoever he lost it to, and the title would once again be his.

As this happened, he found himself reconsidering how he felt about the belt. Certainly it had been the source of his downfall years later, and he had made his hatred for it clear. But over time he began to reconsider. Perhaps he had been looking at it all wrong. Perhaps the title would be the key to his redemption.

As 2019 rolled by and NJPW began its march toward the next Wrestlekingdom, Naito saw his opportunity. As Japan was to be hosting the Olympics next year, Wrestlekingdom was going to be expanded into a two-night event in celebration. And as his worthy arch-rival Kota Ibushi ended up winning the G1 Climax that year, he was set to main event one of the nights.

But what of the other?

Showing a rare instance of like-mindedness, Naito and Ibushi proposed an idea. As Naito was the current Intercontinental Champion, and Ibushi was gunning for the Heavyweight Championship the first night, should they both come out with gold around their waists, why not face each other in the main event of the second night in a winner-take-all match to decide the first ever double champion? If Naito could accomplish that, then he would finally achieve something that none of his peers had been able to do. Not Okada, not Omega, not even Tanahashi. He was going to be the first.

Enter Jay White.

In the years since their G1 encounter, Kenny Omega had since departed both the Bullet Club and New Japan to see his fortunes elsewhere. And in his absence, the Bullet Club had come under the control of the sinister and dangerous Switchblade Jay White. Under the Switchblade’s rule, the Bullet Club had returned fully to its villainous roots, becomes a despised and despicable faction that ran down all in their path. And once he heard of the Double-Gold Dash tournament, Jay White saw an opportunity for himself to insert himself into contention, to not only be the first double champion himself, but also deny the prize to the man who needed it the most.

Using the fact that he had defeated Naito in the G1 Climax, Jay White targeted Naito and his Intercontinental Championship, claiming that he was going to take the title and insert himself into the Double Gold Dash in Naito’s place. And Naito, who had supposedly written the book on mind games and opportunistic sneak attacks, suddenly found himself under attack by a mind more wicked and devious than his own. Jay White stalked and harassed Naito for months, the two trying to one-up one another and psyche each other out. But at the end, it would be Jay White that would come out ahead, wielding the Bullet Club as a weapon to take Naito down and steal his title away, leaving him with nothing.

For Naito, it seemed like the end of the road. He had lost his ticket to the Double Gold Dash, which had been his idea to begin with! He had lost the title, lost his spot, and also seemed to lose his spirit, becoming languid and dead inside. And with that weakness seeping in, the sharks came out for blood.

One of Naito’s long-time rivals, Taichi from the nefarious Suzuki-Gun faction, came after Naito. He had also beaten the Ungovernable One during the G1 Climax and had been hoping to challenge him for his title as well. But with it now in Jay White’s hands, that opportunity was gone, and he was going to take it out on Naito. He began to come after him like Jay White had, only this time Naito seemed to muster barely any will to fight back. What was the point?

But when the two finally had their singles match, Naito finally snapped. He struck back, firing up and finally defeating Taichi. And with his fire back, he decided to go after what he had lost. After Jay White still needed to defend his title on night one. Who better to challenge for it than him?

Naito had managed to wriggle his way back into the Double Gold Dash, but he still had a long and difficult road ahead of him. After all, with Jay White going in with the Intercontinental Championship, Okada with the Heavyweight Championship, and Ibushi with the G1 Climax contract, Naito was the only participant entering the tournament with nothing. It was do or die for him. The others could bounce back, but if he failed, then he would never recover.

First order of business was Jay White, who was as crafty and malicious as ever. Furious that Naito had managed to get back into the tournament, he attacked viciously, but wisely, breaking down Naito’s body and spirit with a series of brutal and calculated attacks and taunts, all the while with his Bullet Club allies waiting on the outskirts. Naito, however, was not going to fall this time. He couldn’t afford to. And it was time to show this upstart punk who the real Alpha Asshole was around here.

Naito rallied, countering Jay’s moves and foreseeing and countering the Bullet’s Club’s offenses as well. And with the Switchblade staggered, he managed to get the upper hand and take him down with a Destino, winning both the match and the wretched Intercontinental Championship as well.

One down, one to go.

Unfortunately for him, a complication had emerged. In the main event of that night, his friendly rival Kota Ibushi took on the nearly godlike Kazuchika Okada. Now, Ibushi might be one of the most skilled and resolute wrestlers in the world, but this was Okada, and Wrestlekingdom was his domain. He was called the Final Boss for a reason, and before everyone, he took Ibushi’s best shots in a long and absolutely brilliant match before felling the Golden Star and retaining the championship.

This was a problem. See, Naito had beaten Ibushi before, and of the two of them he was the only one who had ever main-evented Wrestlekingdom. If it was Ibushi he was facing, then he would have the advantage. But not against Okada. Twice already he had tried to best Okada at Wrestlekingdom only to come up short, and the only recent victory he had over the Rainmaker was due to Los Ingobernables’ help. But in this, he had to do it himself. He had to defeat the man chosen to be his arch-rival on his own.

The second night arrived, and Naito came to the ring battered and weary. This was it. This was his final and most important chance. It was a true clash of titans, between the two biggest stars in the company, hand-picked years ago to be the ones to carry New Japan into it’s future. In this, Okada had succeeded beyond anyone’s wildest dreams, while Naito had choked and choked hard, and had to reinvent himself completely in order to finally become the star he was meant to be.

The two were complete opposites, Okada being the shining champion on top of the world, while Naito was the edgy renegade with a chip on his shoulder. Okada’s success and accolades were at a level that Naito would never be able to touch, while Naito had the love and support from the fans that Okada could never hope to equal. The two were equally jealous of one-another. Why should Okada be treated like the face of the company when it was Naito that had the crowd support, Naito that was selling the tickets, Naito that was moving all the merchandise? And why should Naito be in the main event when it was Okada who had succeeded, Okada who had risen higher and higher against Tanahashi when Naito had crashed and burned, Okada who had helmed the company and taken it to its greatest heights when Naito had left? It was like Rameses vs. Moses, a tale of two brothers.

This was going to be Naito’s greatest challenge yet.

The match started off slow, the two working their way through familiar moves, almost seeming nervous to make a mistake. Then the pace started to pick up. Naito started to feel himself and took greater and greater chances, but for everything he tried, Okada had an answer. After all, this was Okada’s world, and Naito was out of his element.

The two continued to fight, bringing the crowd to a rage. They traded finishers but each managing to kick out, neither willing to stay down. The damage was piling up, and Naito’s bruises were being felt. Ten minutes went by. Fifteen. Twenty-five. Thirty.

Now things were at their most dangerous. The few times Okada had been defeated, it was usually done within the first twenty minutes. Long matches were his specialty, and the longer it went, the more the odds favored him. Naito hit him with everything he had, move after move, counter after counter.

And then it happened. He laid Okada out, and looked to the ropes. The crowd rose to their feet in anticipation while the commentary team begged him not to do it. He couldn’t be trying for it again, could he? It had failed every time, and the last time he had faced Okada, it had cost him the match.

Not this time though.

This time there was no hesitation, no second thoughts. Naito leapt to the top rope and took flight, finally, finally, finally hitting Okada with the Stardust Press, just like he had been supposed to all those years ago.

But this was Final Boss Okada, and not even the Stardust Press could keep him down.

Another quick flurry followed. Okada try to fell Naito with a Rainmaker Lariat, but Naito ducked, and nailed him with a huge buster. It was time. He got the groggy champion to his feet, wrung his arm around, took a running start, and leapt.

Okada had countered the Destino so many times, grabbing him partway and bringing him crashing down again. Not this time though. Naito’s feet went up and up, completing a full revolution and brining Okada crashing down again. Naito then hooked the legs as the referee counted, all the world counting with him.

One!

Two!

Three!

Naito had done it. He had finally defeated Okada in the main event at Wrestlekingdom. He had claimed both the Heavyweight and Intercontinental Championships at the same time, both the title that had been denied him and the title that had denied him. And he did it as the most beloved wrestler in all of New Japan Pro Wrestling.

And as Okada was led away, Naito got onto the mic, reminded him of his words two years prior about main-eventing Wrestlekingdom again, and suggested that they should do it again in the future. And rather than be angry, Okada simply smiled, and raised his fist in acknowledgement that his little brother had finally done it.

Naito’s story certainly has not stopped there. The fact that KENTA of the Bullet Club saw fit to attack him during his victory speech tells us that Naito’s problems are far from over, and there is still Jay White waiting in the wings. But though the story goes on, nothing will ever be able to take that moment away from him, the moment when he became the first double champion, when he was able to slay the demons that had haunted him ever since his days as the Stardust Genius, when he finally ascended to the top, not as the Stardust Genius, not even really as the Ungovernable One, but as Tetsuya Naito, the Shuyaka.

And as someone whose love of pro wrestling had been reignited largely in part thanks to him, who had been following him for the last couple years as a loyal Ingobernable, who had experienced a rare moment of starstruck when I finally got to meet him, I will continue to follow every step of the way.

Tranquilo.

#njpw #new japan pro wrestling #tetsuya naito #naito #los ingobernables de japon #kazuchika okada #okada #hiroshi tanahashi #tanahashi #jay white #bullet club #wrestlekingdom #tokyo dome #pro wrestling #kenny omega #stardust genius #iwgp heavyweight championship #iwgp intercontinental championship #tranquilo

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neoneversleeps · 6 years ago

Text

the sun, the moon and the stars | m.tl

pairing: moon taeil x reader (hanahaki!au)

genre: angst

warnings: major character death, mentions of blood, mentions of underage drinking

description:

She was the sun and he was the moon, and you were the stars that burned with the desire of attaining something unattainable.

words: ~6k

notes: hey guys! this fic has been a long time coming and im so happy to have finally finished it. this is also the first time im writing angst so bare with me if its not that good. hope you enjoy it nonetheless !!

- lilac

Moon Taeil. The name was fitting, really. Every time you thought of him, you thought of the moon. You thought of the nights all those years ago where Taeil drove the both of you to the hill outside the city in his hand-me-down car in the dead of the night because you just needed to get away. How the both of you sat on the grass looking up at the moon, his hand gently resting on yours and the soft night breeze drying your tear stained cheeks. he was your shoulder to cry on in those times. A comforting presence. Much like the moon in the night sky, Taeil had become a constant in your life from the very beginning.

You remembered the time when you were young and stupid and drank way too much at some house party. How the both of you stumbled through his garden at 3am, you desperately stifling your laughter as you tried to maneuver Taeil without him falling flat on his face. He was even more of a lightweight than you. You ended up tripping over your own two feet and sending both of you crashing onto the ground. Laughter flitted from you both as you stared at the moon in the sky. Suddenly Taeil leaned up and hovered over you. You didn't even have time to think as his lips planted a kiss on yours, and you kissed back. His kiss was warm and soft, hot breath fanning against your lips in stark contrast to the cool air around you. You couldn't quite remember how you ended up falling asleep in his room that night, but you definitely remembered the morning after.

Waking up the next morning on the mattress next to Taeil's bed, you had looked at the sleeping boy with newfound hope. Hope that your pathetic little (or not so little) crush on Taeil would be reciprocated. However, when he finally woke up he had no recollection whatsoever of the night prior. Your first kiss, forgotten so easily by the boy who had held your heart in his hands for as long as you could remember. Life went on normally after that, as if nothing had changed. But something had changed, and you were terrified because of it.

You were scared, so, so scared but you pushed every thought of the dreadful disease that plagued your world to the back of your mind. You weren't in love with Taeil, right? It was just a crush. It would fade. Its wasnt love. It wasn't. It couldn't be. He was your best friend and your love for him was purely platonic. These were the word you repeated to yourself over and over in your mind, hoping that if you said them enough they would become true.

You knew, however, that you were lying to yourself. Still, repeating the mantra in your head seemed to keep the disease at bay for quite some time. There even came a time where you thought you had successfully avoided it all together.

You were wrong.

It was the day Taeil's college acceptance letter was said to arrive. You had already gotten yours and had a confirmed spot at the University you were both aiming for. You were just as nervous as Taeil about his results and were headed over to his house for moral support (and to calm your racing heart). But as you turned the corner onto the street where Taeil lived, said boy was already running towards you, a piece of paper held high in his hand, chanting “I got in! I got in! I got in!”. He reached you and immediately picked you up in his arms, swinging you around a couple times. You were taken aback at first but soon laughed with the overly happy boy. He set you down again and as you looked into his eyes, the ones that shimmered like the moon in the night sky, you just knew.

He hugged you impossibly tight and whispered in to your neck: "I'm so happy we'll get to stay together. I don't know what I would do without my best friend." And you smiled, because you knew that his words were sincere and warm but there were tears pooling in your eyes at your sealed fate. He pulled away and the smile on his face morphed into a concerned frown at your teary look. "Are you ok?" His worried eyes bored into yours. "Yes," you responded, "I'm just so proud of you." The smile he gave you after that was worth the ache you felt in your heart.

That night, the seed was planted in your lungs, and a few months later you coughed up blood for the first time. You were a goner now.

It had been almost five years since that day and somehow, you were still alive. It seemed that the universe wanted to draw out your suffering for as long as it could. Both you and Taeil were now finished with college and well into your work-life. You had decided to become a graphic designer, as it was your passion since you were young. It only provided you with some odd jobs and didn't exactly guarantee a loaded paycheck, but it made you happy and you figured, with what limited time you had left, you might as well enjoy it. You worked mainly out of the comfort of your small apartment. It wasn't much, filled with tiny fake succulents and vintage knick knacks you had collected over the years, but when the golden hour settled throughout the city, the warm light bathed the apartment in an orange glow. And at night, you could perfectly see the moon shining down at you from where you sat at your desk, distracting you from your work countless time as your mind drifted to the man who shared it’s name.

Moon Taeil. The boy you had met as just a child had now grown into a man. He had become a true virtuoso on the piano (musical instrument he had mastered in his teen years). He was sought after by many theaters and often played shows that were sold out in the blink of an eye. In addition to his musical work, he had also taken on a day job as a music professor at the Uni you both studied at. He was as happy as could be, and you were happy for him. All these years your love for him had never faltered and even though it meant bloody petals would force their way out of your throat every once in a while, you didn't regret loving Taeil. You never did. It was just so easy to love him and to you, it felt natural. No matter how much it hurt.

However this did mean it hurt unbearably to see him happy with someone else. Tanaka Michiko, a Japanese transfer who had moved to Korea 2 summers ago. Taeil fell head over heels for her, and you couldn't blame him. She was gorgeous. Her sooty black hair fell in waves just above her shoulders, soft freckles dotted around her nose, a permanent dazzling smile on her face and honey skin which was warm to the touch.

His face brightened every time he would talk about her to you, about how much he wanted her to be his. Hours he had spent telling you about every detail that defined her as his head rested on your lap, your fingers combing through his tresses. From the way she talked, a cute accent highlighting every word that left her mouth, to the way her nose crinkled when she laughed. With every miniscule particularity you had learned about the girl, you were sure you could draw her from scratch in your mind.

So, finally, one night you had smiled at him and with a heavy heart and petals scratching at the insides of your lungs, and told him to go after her.

He chased after her for some time, but it wasn't long before she too fell for his charms. How could she not? Taeil was the perfect man. Handsome, thoughtful, kind, talented. It was impossible not to fall for the guy. A few months passed before they were official, and Taeil had proudly introduced her to you. You felt that you should hate her. Hate her for taking Taeil away from you, taking up his time, for having that which you have always hoped for. But you found that you just couldn't. Because she was sweet and understanding and kind and most importantly, she was good to Taeil.

You could see how much love she held for him in the way her eyes lingered on his face every time he smiled. You'd know that look anywhere. It's the same one with which you looked at him. When the two of them were together, it was like she was the sun and he was the moon, an absolutely perfect pair. Both of them completely opposites but a faultless match nonetheless. When you sat facing them in yours and Taeil's favorite diner, you felt as though you were the stars looking onto their love, but never getting to touch or feel the love you so desired for yourself. Always watching from a distance. Always longing for the warmth they held. But much like stars in the freezing expanse of your universe, you were left out in the cold.

Two years had passed since they first got together. Their anniversary was coming up and Taeil had begged you to help him come shopping for something special, claiming he needed your help choosing "the right one”. You had asked him what he meant on the phone but he was evasive.

Now you were being pulled through the crowded streets of Seoul by a very excited Taeil. "I've already narrowed it down to this one shop, but I just can't decide which one she would like better and I *need* your opinion." He explained through quick breaths as he moved through the huge number of people that surrounded you, all heading their separate ways. You were still very confused as to what he meant. "What do you mean, Taeil? Which wha-" you were cut off by Taeil's shout: "Here it is!". You looked up at the sign above the quaint little elegant looking shop in front of you.

The name Manon's Bijouterie was printed above the entrance, elegantly curled in a feminine looking font. Your stomach dropped to your feet. You should of seen this coming.

He was going to propose.

And of course he wanted his best friend to help him choose the perfect ring. You gulped and looked up at the man beside you, a sheepish grin on his face. "You sure you ready to pop the question?" You asked him, trying to keep your voice a teasing tone, despite the shakiness hidden underneath. He laughed nervously but answered determined nonetheless. "I'm sure." He smiled at you, genuinely happy. You couldn't help but smile back, surprised at the fact that it was genuine as well. Then again, all you ever wanted was for Taeil to be happy, and he was, so by default, you were happy too.

The two of you spent the next hour and a half deciding on a ring. He ended up buying a small and delicate silver ring with a beautiful golden shimmering quartz stone. "It reminded me of her warmth." He had told you, a warm smile spread across his face. "You know, kinda like she's the sun and I'm the moon". He giggled slightly at his confession. “It’s silly i know.” You felt unable to respond in any way, instead resorting to chuckling bitterly at the irony of the fact that you had made that same comparison in the past. Fate really loved to rub salt in your wound. Taeil didn't notice your little change in demeanor though, he was far too immersed in thought as to how he was going to make his proposal as perfect as possible.

That night ended up with flowers once again forcing their way up your throat, scratching at your inner walls and taking drops of blood with them. Hanahaki ,as you had discovered, also had a cruel way of always choosing a flower that reminds you of your unrequited love and for the past years the petals you had coughed up had always belonged to the same flower.

The moonflower.

Ipomoea alba, sometimes called the tropical white morning-glory or moonflower or moon vine, is a species of night-blooming morning glory, native to tropical and subtropical regions of the New World.

“The moonflower requires full to partial sun, so it is important to find it a place where the sun's rays can easily reach it.” This particular sentence had stuck out to you as you had looked up the name of the flower during one of the first times it happened. You almost laughed at how much the universe seemed to love irony.

In all your time living with the disease you had gotten pretty desensitised to the flowers crawling up your throat. Tonight, however, you broke down in tears. And for the first time in a long time, the fear of death plagued you nightmares.

It was becoming more and more noticeable that your health was slowly deteriorating, gradually becoming worse in the months leading up to the fateful wedding. Taeil and his future wife were far too busy with preparations and their own jobs to realize there was something wrong. In fact, most of your friend group were too wrapped up in their own worlds to notice either, which you were thankful for. You didn't want any questions. You had never told any living soul about your little “issue” and you promised yourself you never would. Unfortunately for you, your good friend Johnny was very perceptive.

He invited you to coffee and you had innocently accepted. How were you to know that he would end up interrogating you? "Y/N, I know there's something wrong. You've been looking really under the weather lately and I'm concerned. Also, before you say anything, know that I won't let up until you tell me." His tone was firm, one of his hands resting comfortably on yours. You loved the fact that Johnny was so caring, you truly did, but right now it was very annoying. "How many times do I have to say it? I'm fine, Johnny. I just have this cold that's been clinging on for longer than it should. That's it." You say as nonchalantly as possible, itching to just change the topic. "Well, I don't believe you." Johnny states matter-of-factly. You roll your eyes at him. "Fine, don't believe me then, but that's all there is to it." He gave you one last disbelieving look but dropped the questions. You released a sigh of relief. However, from that point on you were careful to cover up the paleness of your skin whenever you were around Johnny, aware that he still had his suspicions.

Time had a habit of slipping through your fingers. In seemingly only the blink of an eye it was the night of the rehearsal dinner. You talked with some of the guests and greeted Taeil's parents, admiring the beautiful beachside location the couple had chosen for their ceremony. The venue had a breathtaking view of the ocean, full moon standing tall in the night sky and perfectly visible from the small balcony where guests mingled throughout the evening.

You had started to wear heavier makeup to hide the bags under your eyes, the paleness of your skin and the hollowing of your cheeks. You gave your speech perfectly and had the whole audience, including Taeil, tearing up at your emotional words. You were so numb to the pain in your chest by now that delivering the speech was an easy feat.

That night, as you laid in the bed of the hotel room close to the venue that Taeil had rented for you so you wouldn't have to drive back to your apartment in the night , you looked out at the sky through the huge balcony windows. The same full moon from earlier looking down at you. The moon had caused you so much pain over the years, serving as a constant reminder of the boy whose heart would never be yours. Yet somehow, even after all the suffering, the moon still brought you comfort. Still reminded you of those many nights where you and Taeil gazed up at it's beauty, all your hardships and concerns being swept away by the wind. You smiled at the memory and, somehow, you felt at peace.

There were no flowers that night.

The next day was strangely enough one of the happiest days of your life. You had expected to be close to bursting out into miserable tears every second or to be so numb to everything around you that you wouldn't be able to utter a single word but instead, you found yourself waking up with a weight having been lifted off your shoulders. The whole day you were filled with a sense of happiness.

You sat in the prep room with Michiko, talking and laughing about all kinds of things together with the other bridesmaids. You even told them childhood stories about you and Taeil, something that would normally bring back painful memories. You told them about the times the two of you had secretly snuck out candy from your local convenience store or how you would always prank Taeils older sister on april fools day each year. You even recounted some drunken Taeil tales that had Michiko clutching her stomach in laughter, her makeup artist desperately trying to keep her still as she tried to do her job.

Shortly before the ceremony was set to start, you had located Taeil's fitting room, rasping your knuckles lightly against the door before he uttered a "come in!". You slipped inside the room. Taeil was standing in front of the mirror, nervously arranging his bowtie with a thin sheen of sweat covering his forehead. He looked handsome. In that moment you thought back to the scrawny Taeil you had grown up with. You were so proud of how far he'd come.

Picking up a napkin, you went up to him, turning his body so he would face you. You lightly tapped the napkin against his forehead to remove the droplets of sweat before moving to perfectly set his bowtie. Taeil sighed and smiled at you. "What would I do without you?" "Crash and burn, probably." The both of you chuckled. Taeil looked nervous so you laid a hand on his shoulder as you spoke to him. "Taeil, you're an amazing person and you deserve all the happiness in the world. You both do. And I know you're going to be the best husband ever." He seemed to want to retaliate but you didn't let him. "You can do this. Deep breaths.This is just like playing a sonata in front of a bunch of people. You've done that loads of times." "Yeah but this time I'm not playing the piano. And as far as I know a sonata does not require a lifelong commitment." You gave him a pointed look. "You know what I meant." He smiled at the look on your face and took a breath. "You're right. I can do this." He hugged you before you stepped back out of the room.

"Go get em tiger."

That day you walked the aisle, not as a bride (as you had many times imagined) but as a bridesmaid, and yet, the smile you wore was still blindingly bright. It was like the happiness that filled Taeil on this day was within you too. You found it weird, of course, but there was no itch in your throat and no ache in your heart so you were content.

Everything went smoothly and after the ceremony and the cake-cutting, the real festivities started. You danced with God knows how many people that night and drank quite a few cocktails. You were pretty sure you had danced with Taeil as well at some point. You still faintly recalled seeing his face in front of you as he moved rather dorkily to the music. Your own laughter rang in your ears. It felt as if you were on cloud nine.

Little did you know, that you would soon plummet from said cloud very quickly and very painfully.

You were growing tired and Johnny had offered to walk you down to your hotel room.

That's when it happened.

It was like everything hit you at once. There was a pang in your chest as every ounce of heartbreak you had felt came crashing into you, the pain making you cripple over. You could barely hear Johnny's concerned words over the ringing in your ears, could barely feel his hands trying to hold you steady as every moment of rejection you had ever had played in front of your eyes like a broken record. Suddenly, your throat seared with a burning heat and you were throwing up more flowers than you ever had, the white petals contrasting with the angry red of your blood as they lay on the ground in front of you. The world around you was muffled. You could hear someone's frantic shouting and footsteps but it was distorted, could see flashing lights in your peripheral but everything was spinning. Soon enough, your vision faded to black as you collapsed onto the floor.

You woke up to the beeping of a machine. Slowly trying to open your eyes, you were met with a bright white ceiling and pale blue walls, a window with the curtains only half shut, letting in enough sunlight to let you know it was daytime. You turned your head to the side. A heart monitor. That confirmed the fact that you were, indeed, in a hospital. Your throat still burned slightly, a bitter aftertaste of blood in your mouth.

The door opened carefully and a nurse’s head popped in. "Oh, you're awake!" She spoke chirpily as she met your eyes. "Your friends will be happy to hear that. I'll go let them know as soon as I take your vitals. Is that ok?" You nodded, afraid that if you opened your mouth to speak, a river of flowers and blood would spill out. Her gaze met yours a couple of times as she took your vitals. She always smiled at you, but there was an underlying sadness behind it, maybe sympathy or pity. You couldn't blame her, you were in a pretty pitiful situation.

She left the room and soon after, Johnny appeared before you. "Hey you." He smiled, trying to sound as happy as he was normally, probably to make you feel better. It didn't, but you were appreciative of his attempt. "Johnny." You croaked out and his eyes flitted to yours.

"What happened?"

Johnny explained that he had called the ambulance as soon as he saw the petals and that Taeil had come running frantically as he got wind of the situation.The ambulance had promptly arrived near the chapel and he guessed that most of the guests knew by now. Taeil and Michiko were both here at the hospital all night, same as Johnny. They had only stepped out half an hour ago to get a late breakfast.

You frowned. You felt bad for ruining your best friend's wedding, one of the most important events in his life. You were brought out of your thoughts by Johnny. "Just a cold that's been clinging on for longer than it should huh?" He quoted your words back to you and you shrugged, not really knowing what to say. You felt bad for lying to Johnny too. He let out a frustrated sigh. "How could you not tell me about this? Or anyone, for that matter? I mean, I can understand that you wouldn't want to tell me, maybe we aren't close like that.” You winced at his words. “But not even your family? Not even Taeil?" You laughed bitterly at that last part, which then turned into a choked sob, tears gathering at your eyes. "Oh God. It's Taeil isn't it?" Johnny whispered in realization. Then you burst into tears. Too much. This was all too much. Sobs wracked through you as Johnny held you, softly patting your hair as he whispered sweet nothings to you.

You calmed down after a few minutes, just in time for the doctor to walk into the room. "Good morning." He greeted the both of you. "I have a few things to discuss with the patient.” He glanced at Johnny. “Normally only family members are allowed to be present but if you want your friend to stay I can allow it." You squeezed Johnny's hand as you turned to talk to him. "You wouldn't mind if I spoke privately with the doctor, would you?" Johnny gave you a reassuring smile as he squeezed your hand back. "Of course not". He gave you a kind smile once again, nodded politely at the doctor and left the room.

"So, miss y/l/n. According to our test, you have had this disease for nearly a decade. Am I correct?

"Yes."

"And during all these years, you were the only one with knowledge of you having this disease?"

"Yes."

"And were you aware that there was a procedure to remove the roots from your lungs?"

"Yes."

"And you knowingly chose not to have this procedure?"

"Yes."

Of course you knew about the removal. That in the early stages you could remove the roots slowly growing inside your lungs before they became too many. Was the reason to not have this removal stupid? Maybe for some people, but not for you. It might sound crazy to anyone else, but the feelings you had for Taeil were a part of you, they were woven into your soul and had, for as long as you could remember, been a part of your life. Losing those feelings would be like losing a part of yourself. Besides, the procedure removed all feelings of love towards the person in question. Wouldn't that also mean you wouldn't even feel platonic love towards Taeil? You couldn't risk losing your friendship with him. Taeil was one of, if not the most important person in your life. You couldn't lose him. You couldn't.

The doctor sighs thoughtfully. "To be honest with you. It's a miracle you've even survived this long. Most people suffering from hanahaki die in the first two years if they do not get it removed.” He looks at you for a reaction, but you do nothing. “The fact that your body has held it off for so long is medically unprecedented. However, the disease has become so advanced that we don't even have the possibility of removal now. And the flowers inside your lungs just keep on increasing in quantity. At this rate, I'm afraid the time you have left is at best... three days." You swallowed hard at that last sentence. All these years you had known this day would come. You had prepared for it, trained yourself to not feel fear in the face of death. Yet here you were, and the thought of your life ending still absolutely terrified you.

Seeing as you didn't respond, the doctor figured you might want some time to process the information he had just loaded onto you, so he cleared his throat. "I'll leave you to-" "Is it possible that my friends not be informed of how much time I have left?" The doctor blinked a few times before he answered. "Legally, we only have the obligation to inform your family of your condition so yes, your friends do not have to receive that information. But are you sure-" You cut him off again. "I'm sure" You spoke firmly and the doctor nodded, turning to exit the room but you stopped him once more. "One last question." He turned back to face you. "Does it hurt?" You asked, voice barely above a whisper. The doctor looked at you with sympathy in his eyes. You didn't have to say it, he knew what you were referring to. "I wish I could tell you otherwise… but death by hanahaki disease makes the person suffer a great deal." You nodded at him to continue. He sighed. "The plants will build up to the point that they pierce through the tissue of the lungs, filling them with blood, which the person will then start to cough up as the lungs tear apart from within and the person will start choking as they are no longer able to breathe. The whole process can take up to a few minutes." He spoke calmly and you absorbed all the information, leaning back on your bed, not being able to avoid picturing the scenario in your head.

You told the doctor he could go so he left the room. Only a few minutes passed before Taeil entered the room. His hair was slightly tousled and the dress shirt he wore was wrinkled and untucked. He looked tired and stressed out and your heart ached at the sight. He came to sit down on the chair next to your bed, clasping his hands together and placing them on your bed before laying his head on top of them, his face not visible to you. He inhaled and exhaled deeply, as if preparing for something. Slowly he lifted his head but his gaze still wouldn't meet yours.

"Is it me? Is it because of me that you've suffered all these years?" Taeil's voice came out raw and pained, the quiet sound would have barely been heard if it wasn't for the fact that the room was deathly silent. You bit your lip, you had to tell him. Your hand moved to comb through his hair and he let you,the gesture a comfort to him as much as it was to you. You didn't quite know how to start so you just went with your gut feeling "I don't regret loving you. If I did, I would have had the roots removed but I couldn't-" "Why didn't you?" Taeil stood up abruptly, his voice suddenly much louder in volume. "Why in the hell didn't you get it removed? Why? Why? When you knew that it could kill you!" He was yelling now, tone strained and desperate and you felt hot tears gather in your eyes all over again. "I couldn't risk losing you! I've loved you my whole life Taeil!" "But I haven't. I never loved you like that and you knew it." Your heart broke at his words. It was one thing to be aware of it but another entirely to hear the words directly out of Taeil's mouth.

He raked his hands roughly through his hair in frustration. He was angry, that much was obvious. "Why couldn't you just think of yourself for once? And why did you have to be so-...so stupid as to not tell anyone? Why-" His voice gave out at the end, a sob threatening to spill from his throat. Taeil had always loved you, just not in the same way. The fact that this was the reason that you might lose you was excruciatingly painful for him. He looked over at you, saw the silent tears rolling down your hollowed cheeks and the way your formerly vibrant eyes seemed to have lost all it's color. It felt horrible to see you like that and he mentally cursed himself for not noticing sooner. For not helping. For being a terrible excuse for a best friend.

Neither of you said anything for a while until you broke the quiet. "I'm sorry..." You looked at Taeil as you said it. You were sorry. Sorry for Taeil and the fact that he was the one you fell in love with, which wasn't his fault. Sorry for your friends and family whom you had kept this a secret from all these years.

But most of all, you were sorry for yourself, for falling in love with the one boy you would never be able to have.

Taeil stepped towards you and enveloped you in hug. Unbeknownst to you, you had started crying once again. You were tired of crying by now, tired of everything, in all honesty. As Taeil held you and tried to calm you down it was like you knew that your end was close, even closer than the doctor had predicted.

In that moment, you made a decision.

After a few more minutes your cries had ceased. "Taeil? Could you do me a favor?" His eyes met yours as you talked. You saw anger, sadness but mostly fear swimming in his dark orbs. obrs that still shimmered like the moon in the sky, even after all these years. He nodded nonetheless. "Remember that bakery we used to go to all the time when we were in college? It had my favorite chocolate muffins ever. If I recall correctly, it's somewhere near here. Would you mind getting me one, please?" Taeil's brows scrunched up slightly at the odd request. "Please?" You added, trying hard not to sound desperate. "Of course." He said and gave you a small smile.

He stepped towards the door, opening it before glancing back at you one last time. "Should I tell the others to come in?" He asked. "No, that's ok. I'd like to get a little rest to be honest." You chuckled softly and gave him a reassuring smile. "Ok." His eyes flitted over you briefly. Clearly, he was nervous about leaving you alone. Eventually he gave a light sigh. "Well, I'll see you later then."

"Yeah, see you later Taeil."

The door clicked shut behind him and you reached for your phone. There was something you had to do. You scrolled through your notes until you found the one labeled "for my parents" which was a letter you had written a while ago in the event of your death, to say goodbye. You copied and pasted the text into an email and sent it. Then you went through your files to retrieve a video labeled as "taeil". You had recorded the video months before, on a night were you had coughed up so many flowers you had thought it would be your last. You attached the video into another email, finger hovering above the send button. You waited about twenty minutes, the itch in your throat and the ache inside your body getting worse every minute until it was almost unbearable. And as the flowers started to force themselves out, you hit send.

Taeil knew something had happened as soon as he entered the hospital wing you were stationed at. His phone buzzed in his pocket and he fished it out, looking at the notification that lit up his lock screen.

[1 new email]

from y/n

goodbye taeil

(no body)

[1 attachment] - taeil.mp4

His blood ran cold and suddenly he was running frantically to get to your room. His phone had started buzzing again. He turned the corner and his eyes met Michiko, taking notice of the tears running down her cheeks as she held her phone next to her ear. He stopped dead in his tracks, the squeaking of his shoes alerting Michiko to his presence. She slowly lowered the phone as she locked gazes with Taeil. His eyes flitted downwards as she mouthed the words “I’m so sorry.”.

It was then and there that Taeil’s world froze in place. No. No. No, no, no, no, no. This was not happening. This was not was not happening. This wasn't real. It wasn't. She couldnt be dead.

Could she?

He felt the impact of Michiko running up to him and wrapping her arms around his shoulders. Felt her nails digging into the fabric of his jean jacket as she held him tightly, desperately trying to ground him. He noticed as his tears dropped onto her shoulder, heard his heavy intakes of breaths ringing in his ear, but he felt as if he wasn't truly there.

You. The one person in his life he had taken for granted. The one person who was always, always there. A constant presence he could count on. You weren't supposed to leave. You were supposed to be there forever.

But now,

you were gone.

And you were never coming back.

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mildlincrs · 5 years ago

Text

hi, tumblr — it's been (way longer than) a minute, but i'm back from the chaotic journey that was junior year! and with that, i wanted to continue what i started with my advice for rising freshmen and rising sophomores; i’ll be writing a final post for rising seniors once i (theoretically) finish high school.

note: i'm currently attending high school in the united states, so there are certain points i mention that may not apply to you if you aren't also studying in the u.s., but i still hope that you get something out of this post!

note 2: this post is pretty long -- a lot longer than the previous advice posts -- and also pretty personal. i go in-depth on what junior year was like for me (spoiler: not great), and subsequently, i have plenty of advice to help avoid some of what i ended up experiencing.

my junior year experience

for reference, click [here] a list of my junior year classes (along with classes i’ve taken and plan to take). i took two ap courses, and the rest of my courses with the exception of band were honors courses.

to be blunt -- junior year was one of my worse years of high school, academically and mentally. sophomore year was definitely one of my lowest points, too, but junior year was really shitty in a lot of ways. i was busy working (trying to) nearly all the time, and i found myself constantly under stress, struggling to maintain my grades -- especially in my calculus and physics classes. at a certain point in the year, i subconsciously stopped caring, i think, to the point where i couldn’t focus at all when i was working, instead opting to do things that were considerably less productive. i’d study for up to five minutes at a time, only to stress myself out of studying and go to sleep -- yes, i stressed myself to sleep. other nights, i’d stay up doing absolutely nothing, in spite of the massive amounts of work and studying i still had left to do. i was close to failing my physics class, at one point, too, and physics was arguably the class i studied and worked the hardest for.

another reason that this year was pretty terrible for me was the fact that i was recovering from several injuries. in june of 2018, i injured my knees -- for reasons i’d prefer not to disclose -- and though they were healing over the summer, with marching band, the injuries were only exacerbated. if you want an idea of how bad they were, i struggled to simply walk short distances if i didn’t have any sort of support. marching band is basically dignified, faster walking, so you can imagine the kind of stress that i was under. because of this, i had to stop dancing and take a season of winter guard off -- two of my biggest emotional releases in life. without both of those things for over six months, i felt pretty directionless, and i ended up relapsing (i have chronic depression). that along with the business of junior year made life feel pretty damn miserable. physical therapy didn’t help me, i had virtually no time to schedule a meeting with a therapist or other mental health professional, and i was exhausted 24/7.

all this being said, junior year still had its good moments! i got to take two astronomy semester courses, both of which only reinforced my love for astronomy -- i’ll be doing astronomy-related research in the fall - i got to play some pretty damn good music in band, qualified and made all-state band for the first time, and i became closer with my best friends and got to make new ones. i completed a year-long research paper (while missing quite a few deadlines on the way) that turned into what’s probably the most vulnerable piece of writing i’ve ever produced (message me if you’re interested in reading it!), and i didn’t fail any of my classes. good stuff.

more on not failing my classes: 2nd semester was kind of weird for me, in that my grades went up in some classes, but slowly sort of decreased in others. for example -- i studied and worked my ass off trying to improve my calculus grade during 1st semester, but my exhaustion caused me to fall asleep during a lot of classes, meaning that i would always miss the material being taught, and by the time i got home that day, i was so exhausted that i would just fall asleep until the next morning, not even bothering to figure out what i had missed during class. with physics, worked harder than i ever had during 1st semester, but i continued to receive low scores on tests and heavily relied on my lab and quiz grades to keep me afloat. i cared less about japanese more and more, (which SUCKS because i really loved the class and language but my effort just went downhill) and i can distinctly remember not studying for several of the tests that were administered, and as such, receiving subpar scores. i did, however, pass all of my finals and ap exams, which was definitely a plus.

tldr: my work ethic went to shit, and i salvaged it somewhat, at the cost of losing a lot of sleep and not eating for multiple days at a time WHICH IS NOT HEALTHY. DON’T DO THIS PLEASE. junior year was worse than sophomore year in a lot of ways, but i fucking MADE IT so who’s the real winner here

advice for junior year

my number one piece of advice is to take care of yourself. you’ve probably heard it before, but that’s because you should do it. i’m 100% serious when i say that it can really make a difference. i mentioned that i lost a lot of sleep and didn’t eat sometimes during the school year, and because of that, i was super super sick at one point which only made my mental health worse, which only decreased my ability to focus and work properly. please stay healthy ahh like hydrate, get some mf sleep, and eat well! if you have to choose between studying for a test and sleeping at 3am, then go the fuck to sleep. and it’s not just about being healthy enough to do well in school! it’s literally your own wellbeing. put your physical and mental needs first, no matter what.

for ap courses: highly recommend looking on the collegeboard website for practice questions! the website also outlines the test structures, which i found helpful for me when i was studying for the exams. if you’re hoping to score a 4 or 5 on your ap exams, it’s in your best interests to go in prepared as possible. iirc the website also provides overviews of all the content that should be studied/is covered on the exam, which can help structure your studying, too!

another thing on ap courses: while if you score well enough on ap exams, you might be able to transfer those credits to your college courses (if you enroll at a u.s. college), i wouldn’t recommend loading your schedule with ap courses. they’re college-level courses for a reason; they will be fast-paced and involve a lot of work on your part. a rule that i used when deciding what ap courses i would take in high school: if i didn’t particularly like the subject, then i took the honors version of the course. otherwise, if i felt like i could challenge myself, was interested in the course, and if it was available, then i signed up for it. i knew from sophomore year that i wasn’t good at dealing with both school and my mental health, so i recognized that i’d need to lessen my ap coursework as much as possible so that i didn’t throw myself into an even worse situation (i took zero aps sophomore year).

don’t spread yourself too thin involving yourself in things in and out of school. sort of similar to my philosophy of not overloading my schedule, i made sure that i only committed myself to extracurriculars that i cared about and enjoyed doing. i personally marched my third season of marching band, and remained involved in my school’s urban dance club as much as possible (though when i took a break from dancing, that was definitely harder, but towards the end of the year, i was able to participate in a few performances with my friends). i also participated in an outside wind ensemble every week, and that was plenty for me -- i had a lot of music to practice both for that group and my school’s band, and then i had to balance THAT with practicing music for private lessons & auditions, and with schoolwork. i know there are people who are involved in so many extracurriculars, which i wouldn’t recommend. devote yourself to what you love in high school; that will also give you something worth writing about in things such as college applications! better to pursue what you love with passion and authenticity than to sign-up for a club for the clout even if you’re not remotely interested in it.

if it’s offered where you live, i would recommend taking the sat and/or act during your junior year. i’d also recommend taking subject tests if you have the time for it. the earlier you take these tests, the more likely you are to have an opportunity to retake them if you don’t score as well as you hope. you can also start taking these tests during sophomore year -- i took sat subject tests in june of my sophomore year, took the sat twice during junior year, and i will be taking the act in july. i’ll also be retaking an sat subject test and taking a completely new one.

while it may be daunting, start thinking about college -- whether you want to go to college or not, where or what you’d like to study, etc. since i plan on majoring in music, i started researching sort of early so that i could give myself enough time to finalize a list of the colleges i am applying to and the repertoire i need to learn and practice for auditions. but regardless of what you decide to do with your future, no one is expecting you to have every step of your life labeled out. things can change, and that’s okay! that’s literally how life works. definitely reach out to your counselors if you want advice from them! i’d also recommend sitting down with your parents and talking about the college application process with them and what they can do to help you.

there’s a lot of pressure during junior year -- it’s the last full year of high school before college applications, and typical for students to be busy 110% of the time. that said, find time for yourself to destress and do nothing school or work-related. if it helps, schedule specific times of the day where you just relax and do something that makes you happy. finding a work-life balance can really make a difference (i say, not having one, though i have many friends who talk about this to me).

if you need help with anything at all -- talk to someone about it! feeling super stressed and shitty? talk to someone you trust, whether they’re your closest friend or a teacher (which reminds me, if you plan on asking a teacher for a rec, take time to talk with them if you can, it makes a difference). you are not alone. i know for some people (especially for me, actually), it can be super difficult to open up about what you’re dealing with, but it’s arguably better than trying to push your way through it all on your own.

best of luck during your junior year -- i believe in you<3

love, fei

#mine #mmp #mp #studying #studyblr #high school #study #studyspo #advice #tbhstudying #studyquill #lookstudyblr #obsidianstudy #heysareena #focusign #study tips #school

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porchwood · 6 years ago

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Okay, here goes. The incredible @everlarkedalways created a GoFundMe to help me out through present circumstances, but before I share that link, I wanted to explain a bit of what’s been going on. I feel awful accepting financial help, in part because I’ve been such a dry well for the past 18 months (I have nothing creative to give back/say “thank you” with) and also because so many of you have previously contributed monies to help me through other crisis points over the past five years (yes, it’s been that long and no, it doesn’t seem to be getting any better). But things are maybe the most desperate they’ve ever been and I really can’t say no to badly needed help.

Because I’m long-winded, I’m going to try to condense this into a simple chronological order. Things have been relentlessly bad since my car accident on December 26, 2013, but this is where the current run really started:

December 2017: The day after Christmas, I went to the ER at 3am with excruciating chest and upper back pain, a bad experience all around (terrible staff, indifferent care). Their best guess was that I’d had an acid reflux attack, something I’d never had before (but have had since, alas :/).

January 2018: The ER bill saga began, and after loads of paperwork/headaches applying for any kind of aid/bill forgiveness, they put me on a payment plan for the $1,343 balance (and yes, that was "after” insurance - Marketplace policies are crap and all they did was “adjust” the total; nothing was covered). Meanwhile, I started taking Lucky to an acupuncturist over an hour’s drive away, desperate to find something to ease her severe separation anxiety (nonstop barking and howling when I was gone, which we have been struggling to treat, with varying degrees of success, for over two years). The sessions were very expensive (around $400 for one month - I had to put them on a credit card that I’m still chipping away at) and actually made her WORSE.

February 2018: The downstairs neighbors left a mildly threatening note about Lucky’s howling - the day before my birthday. In a ridiculous twist of luck, I managed to find a great sitter who only takes little dogs and was (and still is) able to watch Lucky for me as needed, but it cost me $25/day. (At most I would use her two days a week, but you can see how quickly that would add up.) At the same time, I also started administering CBD drops (suggested by our new vet) to Lucks when I had to leave her at home.

July 2018: After increasing the dosage multiple times, I finally started seeing improvement in Lucky’s behavior from a combination of the CBD drops and SAMe, which was huge (note the timespan), but these therapies cost about $100 month. I resolved to make it work somehow.

September 2018: I found out that my workplace had been bought out by an area salon and would be changing hands soon. Shortly thereafter the new owner sent us the employee handbook, which stated that we could not have another job in the same field (many massage therapists in this part of the country work at multiple places as there simply isn’t enough work to go around, especially in the off-season). The new owner was originally okay with me keeping my second job (on-call work at a yoga studio), and then I learned that that position was switching from a subcontractor to an outright rental (I would have to pay up front for the use of the room and possibly make none of it back while having to promote myself as a business), so for several reasons I decided I would leave that second job at the end of October and try to pick up more hours at my “main” job. One bright spot in all this: the downstairs neighbors moved out at the end of the month, but...

October 2018: ...the day after the neighbors moved out, the landlord informed my roommate (a THG fandom friend and content creator) that the owner of our building had sold the property and that we had 30 days to vacate. I can’t even begin to articulate how stressful, expensive, frightening, and exhausting that time was. By the end of October our only real option was a little house approximately 10 miles from town, and miraculously we got ourselves moved out there - to the tune of lots of $$$ and insane energy expenditure.

November 2018: Because I now lived about 20 mins from work and I have to come home at lunchtime to take Lucky out (and give her a booster of anxiety drops), I had to switch to split shifts. If you’ve ever worked split shifts, you will understand why this sucks (you’re never home, you’re always tired, and you never see or spend time with the people you live with). My new boss put me on the schedule for two additional days a week (I initially had just two days a week, period, hence the second job), which initially seemed very promising, but neither myself nor the rest of the staff realized that the new management had an either/or policy when it comes to pay. (This is messy and frustrating to explain, but in a nutshell: instead of getting paid commission for massages and hourly for the rest of your clocked-in time - laundry, desk help, etc - you get paid ONLY commission, i.e., nothing for all the extra things you do, unless the commission divided by hours amounts to less than minimum wage, in which case they pay you minimum wage for the week instead, including for your massage hours. Which is not cool but is, apparently, legal.) So I was driving about an hour a day (20 mins each way, twice, to the tune of about 300 miles/week) just to make minimum wage (we were entering the dead season for massage and I’m the perpetual “second string” therapist anyway, so some weeks I had just four clients in four days :/), which was exhausting and disheartening.

December 2018: Daylight glimmered: my sister (with whom I am extremely close and who I hadn’t seen in a year and a half) flew out to see me after Christmas. A coworker agreed to cover the whole week and a half of her visit for me, and I was a little nervous about taking the time off (unpaid, of course) at such a rotten financial time, but I hadn’t had a vacation of any kind since moving to Maine nor a weekend off since August of 2017. I resolved to be extra frugal during her visit and my work schedule was going to be almost full after she left, so I was pretty sure I could squeak through somehow.

I saw her off on her return trip, and that night I was carrying some dishes down from our living room when I took a very bad fall down the stairs. These are awful, steep “Maine stairs,” and in my fall my left leg shot out through the open side of the staircase and wedged the knee against the bookcase in the dining room below. When I tried to get up I realized that something was very wrong with my knee, and my roommate helped me to bed with ice, a brace, ibuprofen, etc. The following morning I went to the hospital and was directed to the same stupid ER (the last place I ever wanted to go again, but they don’t have urgent care out here and wouldn’t let me just see a GP, so I broke down and cried in admissions). The care I received was middling, if not as bad as on my previous visit, and the nurse-practitioner ordered no weight-bearing for three days, which meant losing the rest of that (desperately needed) work week, and advised following up with orthopedics the next week if the knee wasn’t better.

My wonderful roommate made all kinds of accommodations for my comfort for those three days, and I implemented all the extra therapies I could think of (turmeric, arnica, l-glutamine, Epsom salt soaks, etc). I asked my employers about the possibility of picking up non-massage hours (covering the desk, laundry, etc) but was given the impression that there was nothing for me to do till I could return to massage again. I went to the orthopedic doctor last Thursday and his diagnosis was an MCL (least concerning of the knee ligaments) sprain or tear. I was already strides ahead on his self-care recommendations (getting myself off the crutches, constantly wearing a good brace) and he was supposed to refer me for some PT, but I haven’t heard a peep on that front, and I’m not particularly concerned because, Lord knows, my insurance probably wouldn’t pay for that anyway. He estimated 4 weeks to full recovery but I’m determined to get back to work before that.

So, here’s where we’re at: I’m out of work at the worst time of year, and at the very least, I’ll lose 2.5 weeks of pay (on top of the planned week I took off, plus Christmas and New Year’s were unpaid holidays). Because we live in Maine where everyone has beastly heating fuel, even in a decently insulated house (as I believe this one to be), it costs us around $350 a month to keep the place at 58 degrees through the winter months. (Yes, 58 degrees. 60 if we’re splurging.)

My credit cards are maxed out from car repairs and copious Lucky expenses (including an emergency vet visit - she ended up being fine but it was one of those things that happens after hours/over a weekend and you really shouldn’t wait several days to have checked out).

Oh, and just for fun, our January rent payment got lost in the mail. The landlord was very nice about it and we promptly sent out a replacement, but this meant paying $35 for a stop-payment on the missing check (did I mention that I had to buy checks, to the tune of almost $30, just for paying rent?).

Those of you who have already donated: you are quite literally keeping me going right now. You covered Lucky’s rabies booster yesterday and refills of her food and supplements (all of which, naturally, were running out at the same time), and Lucky is absolutely the reason I’m still alive, so her care honestly means more to me than my own.

I have no idea what my medical bills will look like at this point. I’m assuming the ER visit will be around $1000, and I’m sure the orthopedic visit will be up there somewhere too. As soon as bills start coming in I’ll apply for aid (or, likelier than not, a payment plan), but in order to do that they’re going to want my new tax returns, which means I’m going to have to get my taxes done (probably in Feb) just to find out what my ultimate medical expenses will be. (I used to do my own taxes cheaply through TaxAct, but I was a subcontractor for part of the year, which complicates things and means having to pay someone $$$ to do them this round. I may actually owe on my taxes this year, which is terrifying.)

The healing has been going well overall and I’m hoping to be able to go back to work next week, but I don’t want to assume my knee will oblige. To add insult to injury, I just got hammered with a terrible cold (the kind that levels you in bed), so my body is triaging itself and I’m not sure which is going to get the care first. Surprisingly enough, Lucky’s being a great little nurse, but recovery is a difficult and very lonely process, especially when you get saddled with illness on top of injury.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. I’ve been reluctant to talk about the miserable past year, but in light of the fact that I’m receiving (and, I guess, asking for :/ ) help, I thought you should know what’s been going on. Thanks for listening and blessings on your day. <3

#bad stuff #gofundme

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thebrochtuarachs · 6 years ago

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If they want me (a fan) to talk about it, I’ll talk about it.

Outlander S4 PR has been doing so well until this (IMHO).

My take on some Q&A from Cait’s Parade article.

It’s 3AM where I am and there will be grammatical errors on this but I had to let it out.

Really lengthy, snark, rant ahead. You’ve been warned. ✌🏻😊 Feel free to pass if not your cup of tea. I mean, I probably wrote a bunch of woozy anyway. But this is my space and yeah, haha!

1. What’s with the title?

Yeah, Sam’s name just had to be inserted somewhere here to make it clickable, sure. I don’t know if the motivation for “total opposite” was to show “how different Sam and Cait are” or “how Sam and Cait will never be” - but all I know is...opposites attract. If it meant to hurt shippers, well, were just getting started here.

But seriously - If I get a chance to chat with Caitriona Balfe about season 4 scoop, I’d prefer that instead of talking about fans and using the name of her supposed platonic co-star to speculate some clickbait on the article. If the latter was the goal, they probably succeeded a bit cause here am I writing this loooong post.

2. A great mystery - Who is Maestro?

First of all, Caitriona is NOT newly engaged - ITS ALMOST BEEN A YEAR. Second, I am yet again confused as to the nationality and job of the great maestro. I asked this once in my blog and an anon came through with a thorough explanation of Maestro’s “history” but I guess I’ll just go back to “NEVER being sure who he really is” again.

3. Oh, I grew up watching car races and now I’m in a racing movie!

I get the PR - Cait grew up watching car racing and now she’s in a car racing movie, what a way to come round full circle.

But I’ve read a couple of articles from Cait about her life in Ireland before and never have I seen before that she’s mentioned that watching car races was part of their family tradition holidays up until now. (or is there? I may be wrong. I’m not sure, could be. Some other people can share it, if there is) But nonetheless, true or not, it works well with the PR.

Also, Cait, I know a guy (Sam) who goes and watches F1 races from the paddocks. Why don’t you guys drop by sometime and you know, watch together? *wink wink* It’ll be good for research and stuff. Not to mention going out with one of your best mate, am I right? ✌🏻

4. I spend the weekends by myself - as shown in the way this statement is filled with singular pronouns

She drags herself alone to go out for some food, She reads alone, she walks alone, she prepares her own food and putters around the house. (I am my own, independent person regardless of my “soon-to-be hitched” status)

Okay, the way I see this - she really doesn’t want to be defined who she’s in a relationship with or who she’s engaged with. Look how independent the statement above is. I get it - she wants to be known more as “an actress” and not as an “engaged and extremely in love with my fiancé actress”.

Basically it kinda says “sometimes forget I’m engaged at all except when Sam and I are being too touchy-feely with each other.”

But seriously, Cait, not screaming/vibing engaged here! Meaning saying his actual name and weaving your relationship in the public face, inviting him to pose with you in red carpets and events despite his “shy” stature, etc. Erm, maybe just don’t be engaged at all and don’t get married yet - I didn’t say break it up or anything, just straighten the confusing narrative first?

5. I am not exactly like Claire but Sam, my co-star only, will be the first one to disagree.

Why do I feel like “and the other people who know me very well” line got added after a pause cause Sam got mentioned and she cannot mention only Sam because fans will suspect. Hahaha! (And suspect we well cause isn’t that the purpose of this article?)

Also, but why not “Tony, my fiance, will be first to disagree because he knows me so well” rather than her “were super platonic only” co-star?

Oh, cause of the narrative.

Which narrative again? I am getting confused now.

Oh, the one where Sam Heughan is just her friend who loves her and knows her so well.

Great.

6. SINCE SAM GOT MENTIONED THE QUESTION BEFORE ITS ONLY NATURAL WE TALK ABOUT HIM...

OMG, my English grammar mind is like screaching those dangling modifiers. “Sam Heughan, who plays your soul mate...” HAHAHAHAHA! That’s the first thing that I noticed. Second, the question would be much clearer if phrased “Are you good friends with Sam Heughan, who plays Jamie Fraser, your character’s soul mate?” - SEE sentence construction HERE, we would be talking about the show and its characters and not see anything else. But then, this is just me.

Also, why ask Cait if she’s good friends with Sam? Of course she is! (and I truly believe this regardless of whatever situation they chose). Other wise, if she says “no”, just imagine the PR nightmare it would entail. The repercussions, the bad PR from tabloids how the two leads “don’t get along”, the possibility of not getting renewed after season 6, a lot of bad will follow if she said the wrong answer. Hahahaha! Either this or the writer (don't know his history with OL) is super new to the fandom who don’t have an idea just how close Sam and Cait are.

Oh goody, we get the Hyde Park walk mentioned again! I always love this memory of theirs.

Comment on Paragraph 1: Why do I feel like Cait got caught off guard rehashing this story. The answer, if verbatim, is so jumpy and incoherent. Like I could summarise the story in shorter sentences. Eitherway, I’ve always loved that they spent the time together at the beginning and realised just how much of a relationship they were going to have. Also, the line” Who knows what this is going to be?” which they asked even before they started filming - so loaded the possibilities of the meaning of this simple question.

Comment on Paragraph 2: Shouldn’t it be maestro’s job to be her biggest supporter, the first person she calls to have talking to about stress? Also, love the “vice versa”. Sometimes, I can’t imagine Sam being the stressed one between the two of them but I just love their dynamic. OH AND THEY HAVE SIMILAR PERSONALITY TRAITS (where is the complete opposite part?! (*see next question*, here we go)

7. HOW TO DESCRIBE BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP 101

Here it is....how opposite Sam Heughan and Caitriona Balfe are that it’s impossible to think of them ever being in a relationship.

Cait is bullish and Sam calms her down before she gets too frustrated.

Sam is a little passive and Cait gives him a nudge and a strength to stand up for something.

OH WAIT

Erm, what you guys just described about each other is “being in a good, healthy relationship” - thanks, bye. Again...opposites attract. The statements just show that they’re both not as strong as one seem and really feed off strength from each other’s lives and company. Like, you know, being together or something to that effect.

Also, if you guys, Sam and Cait, are dropping the fake narrative soon, you know - Cait can nudge Sam to stand up for them and publicise their “real” relationship and then when the reality of their “real score” being revealed gets too frustrated, Sam just can calm Cait down. It’s honestly, a win-win, guys.

8. ONTO THE “BEST FANS EVER”

This question was actually fine until the follow up...

9. WAS ASKING THIS QUESTION FREAKING NECESSARY?

I think I’ve mentioned this before but IF PR WANTS TO STAY AWAY FROM FANS TALKING ABOUT SAMCAIT, then they have to stop allowing these kind of questions. They could’ve asked the author to not include this question in the publishing because what is the freaking point. If the writer have done his research, he already knows the answer to this (heck we know from various and numeous sources). And if he knew the climate of the fandom, this should not have been asked published - yet again. I’m sure Sam and Cait hate answering these questions because, lets admit it, it takes away some of the magic. But here it is and there again is their punchline and I’ve seen this same answer as before.

But Cait had to add something new: “But I think things are pretty clear now that I'm engaged to someone else. Everyone gets it now” HMMMMMMMMM...So was the purpose of the engagement to put off the stench and speculation that Sam and you aren’t together? That the main purpose was for all shippers to stop shipping you and Sam cause you’re engaged some someone else whose name you’ve yet to mention yourself in public or social media and your fans have no total idea who he is and what he does for a living?

Oh and uhh, Cait - NOT EVERYONE GETS IT NOW. If anything, were all the more confused. Also, regardless of what you guys do, you can never ever avoid the shipping (real or show) cause that’s just fanning is. Oh, and you’re not the first and only ship with OTP that have spouses. Seriously, you’re not the first nor the only experiencing this and the other fandoms have actually embraced this instead of trying so hard to shut it down.

9. REHASHING SEMI-FAMOUS FANDOM HISTORY

Seriously.

If the author had done his/her research, these are semi-famous stories already from before and he could’ve asked about book 4 or season 4 or anything RECENT that would make sense why this article was even written in the first place.

I just think it’s a missed opportunity to ask something else, something new. Meh.

10. Cait’s Faves

Maybe it should be Cait’s current fave things.

TSWDM as her favorite movie? I mean no offence to TSWDM but considering how deep her book choices are, I thought she’d choose a “deep, serious” movie as her favorite but choosing her “platonic” co-stars recent comedy flick as her choice (maybe in support of them having each other’s backs, you know) she chose that one - or maybe she really, really loved the movie too.

Race Car Documentaries - lets push the PR for her upcoming movie, yes!!

The Fiery Cross - EARLY PROMO FOR NEXT SEASON!!

Yeah, so I wouldn’t assume this is Cait’s “all-time” faves...

SO, WHY DID I DO THIS?!

BECAUSE I THOUGHT I’D FIND A POINT ABOUT THIS ARTCLE AND NOT SOME OBVIOUS HIDDEN AGENDA BEHIND IT?

WHAT EXACTLY WAS THE POINT OF THIS ARTICLE? WHY DID IT NOT TALK ABOUT OUTLANDER OR SEASON 4 AT ALL INSTEAD OF FANS AND NARRATIVES?

WHAT IS THIS PUBLICITY ALL ABOUT?

TO REITERATE THE “THEY’RE NOT TOGETHER” NARRATIVE CAUSE THE “SHE’S ENGAGED TO ANOTHER GUY” WASN’T ENOUGH OR DIDN’T WORK? TO PROVE JUST HOW WEIRD SOME CORNER OF THE FANDOM IS (as per the writing of this lengthy, rant post)

SERIOUSLY. I AM FLARING.

BECAUSE ALL THESE IS IRRELEVANT TO THE PROMOTION OF OUTLANDER SEASON 4 AND IT IRKS ME THAT THEY HAD OR TRYING TO PUT SHIPPER FANS IN, YET AGAIN, A BAD LIGHT, WHEN WE’RE TRYING TO STAY IN OUR LANE FOR MOST OF THE YEAR AND MAKING SENSE OF WHAT’S GOING ON.

IS THIS WHAT THEY WANTED? FANS TALKING AROUND HOW IRRELEVANT THESE THINGS ARE? OR SPECULATE HOW WEIRD OR AMBIGUOUS EACH ANSWER IS?!

Oh, Lordy.

COME ON, PR.

SELL YOUR SHOW.

NOT THE “NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP”.

NOT THE “BEST FANS EVER”.

NOT THE “DELUSIONAL” FANS WHO NOW FINALLY “GETS IT”. (cause, as per this article, we still don’t)

SELL YOUR SHOW AND WHAT IT’S ABOUT - JAMIE AND CLAIRE FRASER.

BECAUSE ALL I WANT IS OUTLANDER SEASON 4 COVERAGE.

TALK ABOUT CLAIRE AND JAMIE. TALK ABOUT BREE. TALK ABOUT THE BOOK. TALK ABOUT THE RIDGE. TALK ABOUT THEIR CHARACTER’S AND BOOK’S LIFE.

SUCH A WASTE OF SPACE AND TIME AND ALL FOR WHAT?

TO IRK SHIPPY FANS TO MORE EYE-ROLLING MOMENTS?

TO GET RID OF THE 20 SHIPPERS REMAINING?

CAUSE GUESS WHAT OUTLANDER/STARZ PR?

THE (RESPECTFUL) SHIPPING WILL NEVER STOP EVEN IF CAIT AND SAM ARE MARRIED - EITHER TO EACH OTHER OR OTHER PEOPLE.

THAT’S JUST HOW IT IS AND HOW ITS GOING TO BE CAUSE THAT IS FANDOM AND THAT IS SHIPPING.

SO, JUST FOCUS ON SELLING THE SHOW AND WHAT ITS REALLY ALL ABOUT.

JAMIE AND CLAIRE FRASER.

NOTHING MORE. NOTHING LESS.

Thanks.

*end of caps lock writing*

It’s 4AM and I’m going to sleep.

Updating this the following day after reading some comments and theories as to why this ever seen the light of day:

1. Could this be a follow up “aggressive shipper” article by EW?! A ploy put into place by Sony/Starz to, yet again, attack the “shipping” community?

IT COULD VERY WELL BE. WHY ELSE PUT UP THIS NONSENSE OF AN ARTICLE THAT DOESN’T PROMOTE THE SHOW ONE BIT.

Like to control shippers yet again after the love fest the past two weeks at cons? To control shippers after releasing S4 promo photos of Jamie and Claire?

I mean if they put this same effort in shutting “shippers” down to promoting their show, they might increase their ratings and subscribers!! UGH.

2. Could Caitriona be that Caitriona did NOT actually say some of the things said?

Possibly. I mean, now that I think about it, some statements were contradictory to what she’s said before and the language seems a little too forward that she usually is (e.g. “But I think it’s pretty clear now. I’m engaged now so everyone gets it”). Yeah, maybe it doesn’t feel like Cait saying this - cause I think she knows it’s NEVER clear but - yeah, could be. Could be that the this article was written deliberately to counter the “aggressive shipping” happening since the cons and using Cait’s “engagement” was their weapon of choice this time.

#personal #WHO LET ME HAVE A BLOG #Why did I write this #I got too caught up with just everything #had to let it out #I may probably be wrong in some aspect #but this is just me #putting it out there #for ...I don't know exactly #whew ill just find out tomorrow how this one goes #peace #love

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georgialouisea · 7 years ago

Text

I Hope She Was Worth It - Part 2

Pairing - Sam X Reader, Dean, Jody, Claire, Alex. Warnings - Angst, swearing, cheating, nausea, vomiting, pregnancy. Word count - 2.7k. Summary - Life with Sam was amazing until he broke your heart. A/N- Part 2 of a brand new series I have loved to write.

Part 1 - Series Masterlist

Pulling into the 24-hour store you threw the car into park, reaching for your phone you clicked dial.

“Y/N, what’s wrong?”

“Jody, I’m about an hour away can I stay with you for a little while?”

“Of course you can, are you okay?”

“Thank you, no, please don’t tell them where I am.”

“I won’t just drive safe okay?”

“I will, promise.” Pulling your phone away from your ear you rested your head against the window blinking away the tears that were rapidly forming. “Get it together.” Whispering to yourself you carried on to Sioux Falls.

“Y/N! We’re home!” Sam called as Dean shut the bunker door behind him, all the lights were off, every single one. “Y/N?” He called again as he reached the bottom of the stairs he pulled his gun out, silently his bag hit the floor as he started towards your room. He quietly crept towards your room, his gun cocked and out in front of him as he walked into the room he froze.

The room was a mess, you’d never willingly leave it in such a state, you got beyond pissed at Sam when he’d leave his socks on the floor. Sam’s clothes were everywhere, drawers and cupboards were open all your clothes gone, on the floor lay his old laptop was smashed a dent in the wall above it made his stomach drop.

“Sam! Sammy!” Dean shouted from the war room.

Spinning he ran towards his brother's voice, his gun still in his hand. “What? Did you find her?” He asked walking into the now lit room.

“Erm, no.” His eyes fell to the table. “You should.” Dean took a few steps away from the table.

Sam’s brow furrowed as he walked closer, his eyes first finding the sonogram he picked it up his thumb tracing over it as he dropped his gun onto the table. “She’s pregnant.”

“Sam, look again.” Dean’s eyes dropped as he swallowed hard.

Sam’s eyes returned to the table.

‘I hope she was worth it.’

Your handwriting scrawled across a notepad, your engagement ring sat next to it.

“She-”

“You fucking idiot.” Dean’s fist clenched by his side. “Fucking idiot.”

“Did you know?” Sam spun to face his brother. “Did you know she was pregnant?” He raised the sonogram as he shouted at his brother.

“No, of course, I didn’t know, I kind of suspected she was but I didn’t know for sure.”

Sam slumped into the chair picking up your engagement ring. “What have I done?” He whispered.

“You fucked up, majorly, that’s what you’ve done.”

Knocking on Jody’s door at 3am she flung it open pulling you inside. “What is it?” She asked holding you at arm's length.

Shaking your head you felt your knees buckle slightly, Jody held you up, her grip helping you to the sofa bed.

“Okay let’s get you changed and get some sleep.” She settled you against the kitchen counter as she hauled your bags inside, she searched through them as you slumped to the floor.

“What the f… Y/N?” Claire rubbed her eyes as she walked towards you sitting on the floor next to you.

“She’s staying with us for a while.” Jody zipped up your case handing you some mismatched pyjamas.

“Do you want my bed?”

Shaking your head you stroked her hair. “No, I’m okay with the sofa bed, I’m okay.”

“Sure you are.” Claire rolled her eyes at Jody.

“Claire-” Jody snapped making you flinch. “Sorry, okay, go change into these, you want anything to eat or drink?”

“Water please.” Standing up Claire helped you up her hands ghosting over you.

“You sure you don’t want the vodka?” She raised a brow at you.

“Yes, but I can’t.”

“What - oh my God you’re pregnant!” She looked up at you.

“Yeah, I am.” Nodding you turned around to go and change in the bathroom. Opening the door you listened to Claire and Jody talk.

“She’s not here, she’s not pregnant to your knowledge and you haven’t seen or heard from her from a believable point in time, okay?” Jody whispered.

“Got it, what about her car want me to move it?”

“Bobby’s sorting it.”

“Is she okay?”

“No.”

“Can I stay with her tonight?” Claire asked.

“If she’s fine with it yes.”

“Okay.”

Throwing your clothes into your open bag you crawled into the creaky sofa bed, pulling the covers up around you.

“Y/N, can I stay with you tonight?” Claire whispered. Nodding you pulled back the covers for her to get in beside you, she shuffled under the covers trying to keep her distance. “Whatever happened I’m sorry.” Her voice was low as you watched Jody walk around the room and turn off the lamps.

“Shout if you need me.”

“I will, thank you for letting me stay.”

“It’s fine darling, goodnight girls.” She smiled turning off the last lamp.

“Y/N?” Claire whispered.

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“I will be.” With a sigh you reached out for her in the darkness, as soon as your hand touched her shoulder she rolled over hugging you, her head resting on your shoulder.

“Are you-”

“Can we please not, not tonight.”

“Okay.” You felt her arm wrap across your waist. “I’m here.”

“I know.”

Claire had been like your little sister for years, you’d pulled her out of many a struggle or squeeze. She was a strong hunter, sure she made mistakes but she was strong, she felt like your responsibility she wasn’t family through blood but she was family. Having her close made you feel safe, for once you felt like she could protect you more than you could her. Closing your hand you felt her hand grab yours squeezing it over your stomach.

“Good morning.” Jody stood over the sofa bed a smile on her face. “What can and can’t you smell and eat, I know I was hell when I was pregnant.”

“Probably easier to make you a list.”

“Sure I’ll grab you a notepad.” Looking down she smiled again, Claire was hugging your side, her arm thrown across your waist. “I can’t believe how fast you’re the big sister again.” Jody handed you a pen and paper.

“I know, I’ve missed you guys.”

“Us too.” Scrawling down a list you handed it back to her, your hand falling onto Claire's head. “This it?”

“So far, just kick me out when you want to eat.”

“Nope.”

“I’m a guest Jody, you eat what you want to.”

“So It doesn’t matter.” Jody stopped talking when her phone rang for the tenth time this morning alone. “Hello?” She picked it up glancing at you. “Hey, Sam, long time, what? … No, I haven’t why what’s happened?” She sat down next to you. “Oh, no I haven’t heard from her, If I hear anything I’ll call you right away.” She smiled at you. “Yeah, see you later, stay safe boys.”

She pulled the phone from her ear and put it on the table next to the sofa bed. “You want to talk about it?”

“Not yet.”

“Okay, well we’re here, we all are.”

“Thanks.” Smiling at her you shook Claire’s shoulder. “Come on get up.”

“No.” She mumbled into your side.

“Yes.”

“With the Mom voice already?” She asked sitting up scowling at you.

“Yup.”

“We’re in for a great few months then.” She sighed running her hand through her hair.

“I need to find her.” Sam pulled his phone out of his pocket loading up the app to locate his contacts, as he loaded it up it said you were right by him, turning around he found your phone smashed in the library.

“Sam.” Dean sighed. “Why?” Dean’s hands still flexed by his side. “Why did you do it?”

“Shut up, I need to find her.”

Dean took a few strides towards his brother, his fist connecting with his cheek, Sam stumbled backwards his hand flying to his cheek. “What the fuck?”

“No, just shut up.” Dean snapped. “Just shut up.”

Everyone fell into a new routine at Jody’s, Alex was so happy to have you staying, she hadn’t seen you in months so to see you every day she was elated. Claire stuck by your side daily and insisted on sleeping in the same room as you, every night you didn’t miss the gun she slipped under the pillow or the blade and holy water under the bed. Jody lied to Sam daily, when her phone rang and she left the room you knew it was Sam on the other end, she left you with either Claire or Alex when she left for work.

It had only been 6 days since you’d been living at Jody’s but it had also been 6 days since you left the house or been outside, you needed to get outside. After a day of shopping and hanging out with Claire you walked back into Jody’s dropping your bags to the floor you fell onto the couch, Claire falling down beside you. Alex emerged from the room In her pyjamas rubbing her eyes.

“Afternoon,” Claire smirked.

“I’ve been on a night shift.” Alex yawned.

Opening your arms you smiled at her as she staggered forwards flopping down onto you, her head resting on your chest.

“You want anything?”

“A hug.” She squeezed you.

“Want to watch a movie?” Claire asked.

“Yeah.” Alex sighed.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go back to sleep?” Running your hand over her hair you smiled as she relaxed into you.

“No, I’m good.”

“Great, so Mean Girls or White Chicks?” Claire asked as the door flung open hitting the door. Claire was up in a second her gun pointed at the door as you shielded Alex from the possible threat.

“It’s only me.” Jody held her hands up with 2 full bags of shopping in her hands. “God Claire, calm down.”

Someone was shouting downstairs, no screaming, sitting up you got out of Claire’s bed, pulling your jumper over your head you padded down the hallway.

“No!” Jody hissed. “Shut up Alex is sleeping.”

“Hell no, tell me where she is.”

“She’s not here.”

“Then where?”

“I don’t know Sam, If I did I’d tell you.”

“So she’s not upstairs?”

“No, she’s not.”

Walking downstairs you kept your eyes on the floor, the last thing you wanted was to see him. “Leave.”

“Y/N, oh my God, you’re okay.” Sam’s arms wrapped around you. “You’re okay?”

“Leave.” You fought against him. “Get off me.”

“Sam.” Dean’s voice was deep and laced with warning.

Sam’s arms dropped from you, he took a step backwards. “Let’s go home.” He held a hand out towards you.

“No, Sam leave.”

“Y/N.”

Looking up at him you wiped away the tears from your cheeks, Jody, Claire and Alex stood in the room their eyes on you.

“Leave.” You repeated as your heart hammered in your chest.

“Y/N let me explain.”

“No, no, you don’t get to come here acting like the scared and worried fiance after what you’ve done.”

“Let me explain.”

“No, just go.” You took a step forwards. “Leave.”

“Y/N.” His voice dropped.

“You want to explain go ahead.”

“I think we should talk alone.”

“No, you want to explain so badly, go ahead, explain why Sam.” The rage you’d suppressed was now fueling you. “Explain to me why you’ve been fucking another woman for God knows how long.”

“What?” Jody snapped.

“Y/N.” Sam tried again.

“Go ahead, explain.”

“I…”

“Get out.” You sighed resting against the wall.

“Y/N?” Dean took a step towards you.

“I’m fine, please go.”

“Sam, come on.” Dean grabbed his brother's arm.

“Y/N please -”

“Why? Why wasn’t I good enough, why wasn’t I enough? Am I not pretty enough? Did I do something wrong? Am I too fat?”

“No.”

“Then why?” You screamed at him.

“I don’t know why.”

“Okay, this is over, Dean get him out of here.” Jody took a step forwards.

“No.” Sam pulled his arm from Dean’s grasp. “No Y/N, please let’s talk.”

“Out,” Claire growled cocking her gun.

Sam only glanced at her before he took a step towards you. Claire squeezed the trigger aiming right next to Sam’s head leaving a hole in the wall.

“Jesus Claire, what the fuck?” Dean yelled.

“Get. Out.” Claire spat.

“We’re leaving.” Dean grabbed Sam’s arm and pulled him towards the door.

“Y/N.” Sam looked at you with tears in his eyes. “Please.”

“Go fuck yourself, Sam Winchester.” You watched his face drop as Dean shoved him out of the house and Jody slammed the door shut.

“He cheated on you?” Alex whispered walking towards you.

“Yeah.” With a nod you slid to the floor.

“Oh my God.” Alex sat down next to you.

“Y/N - I…” Claire stammered.

“Don’t.” You looked up at her. “Please don’t.”

“Okay, come here.” Jody held her hands out taking them you were helped to your feet. “Let’s get something to eat.”

No one said anything during dinner, you all ate in an awkward silence helping Jody clean up you quickly disappeared up to Claire’s room, when she wasn’t using it, it was yours.

Crawling under the covers you pulled them up to your chin, closing your eyes you took deep breaths trying to calm yourself down.

“You okay?” Jody asked settling on the end of the bed.

“I’m fine.”

“Don’t lie.” She smiled at you.

“Okay fine.” Sitting up you squeezed your eyes closed when your head spun. “Okay, I’m pregnant with twins, homeless, single and the love of my life has been fucking someone else for - well I don’t know how long.”

“Twins?” Jody’s brow furrowed as she tried to fight a smile.

“Yeah.” You smiled at your non-existent bump.

“Well okay, for one you’re going to be an amazing Mother, you’re not homeless you’re living here and Sam is an idiot.”

Taking her hand you gave it a squeeze. “Thank you.”

“It’s okay.” She smiled at you. “We’re going to be okay.”

Every day for 2 weeks Sam sat outside Jody’s until she had a patrol car stationed outside her house. Each day they’d escort Sam off her property.

“Sam stop it.” Dean drove along as his brother stumbled along the road towards Jody’s. “This is going to end with you in the car or getting arrested again, and Jody won’t go easy on you this time.”

“I don’t care.”

“Well, you should.”

“I need to see her, tell her.”

“Sam, she doesn’t want to see you or talk to you.” Dean sped up in front of his brother throwing the Impala into park he walked towards Sam meeting him halfway.

“She does.”

“She doesn’t and Claire will kill you if you go near Y/N again.”

“I need her.”

“We all do but you threw that away Sam.”

“Why?” Sam fell against the trunk of baby. “Why did I do it?”

“I don’t know, you’re a fucking idiot, you had everything and you fucking threw it all away.” Dean hissed as he opened the door for Sam to get into. “Get in, now.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No, I need to see her.”

“You see her when she wants to see you, for now, you get in the car we get you sobered up and you stay away.”

Watching from one of the upstairs windows you knew Sam was drunk as he staggered alongside the Impala, Dean tried his best to move him into the car and away from Jody’s house. Your window was open and you could hear everything Sam was shouting.

“I love her.”

“I know you do but you need to get into the car now!” Dean shouted. “Get in the car now! Don’t bother her, or stress her out, it’s the least you can do for your babies and her okay, leave her alone for now!” Dean shoved Sam into the car.

Watching from a distance your chest hurt, everything hurt, you felt sick as you watched Sam stagger about and Dean push him into the backseat.

“If you want to talk to him we’ll sober him up.” Jody offered from the doorway.

“No, I can’t talk to him, not right now, I just want my Sam back and I know I’ll never get him back.” Your head rested in your hands as you heard the Impala’s doors shut in the distance.

Part 3

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