#I’ve been thinking about checking my DMs because well let’s be honest I’m always thinking about that

[polyamorouspunk]

Hug

*hug*

[lokicat5]

Helloooooo Tumblr!

Wow, does it feel nice to be back! I missed this hellsite a lot more than I thought I did. 😅💖

Apologies for being away for so long, school’s been ✨fun✨ and with my first round of exams, trying to get a 13th year, friend-group drama, and all the other stuff that you deal with at the end of high school, it’s been harder to find the time to spend here. BUT I’ve also been working on a lil something, or, well, a couple lil somethings, that I think you’ll all enjoy 😄

Also, I still have no idea how to do the “long post” page break, so please bear with me 😅 it’s been a while, but I’ll remember my way around in a day or two.

SO

I know that way back when, I promised you guys some of my writing. I really did mean to share it, but I kept getting distracted and honestly, * laughs nervously * /it’s so bad/ 😅 and besides, I’ve got better things for you now anyways!

1. While I was gone, I started doing art (which I have to thank my best friend’s D&D campaign for, for inspiring me to try lol). And surprisingly, it doesn’t look half bad. It’s not the calibre of my friends’ art, it’s not even close, BUT I think it looks neat, and I’ll share some of it with you in a little bit. :D

2. I started writing a ✨novel series✨ that I’m pretty sure you’ll like. Do I have the whole plot in my head (or at least “had” before my latest project moved in)? Absolutely! Could I explain it all to you? 100%! Do I have it written down? Well… I do have basic plot written in one of my friend’s discord servers (because let’s be honest, ranting about it long-distance gets more written out than actually sitting down and /writing/), but I ALSO have a nice 12 page excerpt that I’d be happy to share once I figure out this long post thing 😅

And last but CERTAINLY not least I’ve got my latest brain-hog:

3. My campaign. Now, the friend’s D&D campaign from before is one of several being run in our little D&D group, and we all (will) take turns making and DMing a campaign (whether we’ve finished a campaign (or any campaigns) yet or not). I decided I’d start coming up with mine early on because I’d just get stuck and panic when (not if) I left it to the last minute (because procrastination go brr). Anyways, I used my friend’s campaign (the one I did art for) and my cousin’s crazy awesome campaign as inspiration, because if there’s one thing they’ve both got down, it’s lore. Lots, and LOTS, of lore. Like, almost-200-pages-worth, across-2-documents-and-they’re-going-to-make-it-a-novel kind of lore. The gods from their campaigns gave me the inspiration to be able to write mine, and so far, well, I think it’s going pretty amazingly.

Seriously though I’ve got so much brain rot it’s not even funny. I’m always happy to take questions if you’re interested, but I’ll be making a side blog (my first!!) to go into all the details about Tanavellar (my world :D) and the lore of the place.

I know it’s a lot for my “welcome back, me!” post, but I just want to share it all with you guys, and hope it can be as exciting and cool for you as it is for me! I also know that everyone here gives amazing feedback, so considering I grew a huge amount here (and that this is where I really started to come into my writing abilities), I feel like being able to work on things here with the guidance of much more experienced writers, artists, and DMs will really help me up my game. 😄💖

I want to say thanks to everyone who didn’t wander off while I was on hiatus, whether you meant it or not the loyalty’s appreciated 😅 I really am so excited to be back in this wonderful community though, and I can’t wait to see everything that I’ve missed!

UPDATE:

I’ve got my side blog up and running! If you’re interested and want to come check it out (which you totally should, but don’t worry if you don’t), you can find it all at @godsoftanavellar (please excuse the background stuff, it’ll get better as I finish more art 😅). I’m super excited for this, and I hope you enjoy it! :DDDDDDD

[foreverindreamlandd]

Bucky wanted to read her fanfictions and she always declined. So he begged and begged and begged... until she finally gives up and let him read one. 'Cause who could really say no to Bucky making puppy eyes?!

Let me know what you think about it

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Plus Size!Reader

WC: 1.5k (I am apparently incapable of writing a drabble)

A/N: Thank you again for another awesome request! I was basically cackling the whole time I wrote it. Want to read about how Bucky and this reader got together? Check out their origin story in my To Be Wanted series! Only warning in this one is the usual swearin’ like a sailor.

----

“See, this is why I always order Thai food. I can never do it justice.” You frown over your wok, mixing the noodles around with a wooden spoon hoping it will somehow make your creation taste better.

“I’m sure it tastes great, doll.” Bucky walks up next to you and grabs a noodle, tilting his head back as he drops it into his mouth.

His eye twitches almost imperceptibly and you groan.

“It’s good,” he coughs out, trying with all of his strength to regain his composure. “I think you just went a little too hard on the chili paste. I can feel my sinuses clearing up though, which is good, right?”

You roll your eyes. “Can you check the recipe on Pinterest again? I swear I put in the right amount.”

Bucky walks over and picks up your iPad. Right as he’s scrolling to find out if you should have used 2 tablespoons or 2 teaspoons of chili paste, a notification banner pops up and he accidently taps it, opening up your Tumblr app.

Omg! This fic is amazing! The way Bucky is there to support the reader. My heart completely melted! Your Bucky stories are amazing, Y/n! <3

Above the comment is a photo of him. It’s a shot from the news where he’s helping a civilian stand up after one of the attacks made by The Red Hand.

“Uh….love? What’s this?” He holds the iPad up to you and you shift your gaze over to him.

You drop the wooden spoon into the wok as all of the blood drains from your face. You’re frozen in place for a millisecond before you pounce on Bucky to grab the device from him. He’s never seen you move so quickly and it catches him off guard.

“Bucky give me the iPad right now,” you fling your arms toward it and he pulls it away, both amused and a bit concerned by your reaction.

“Wait, what is this? Is it something I should be worried about?”

You see a flicker of panic flash in his eyes and you stop flailing. You close your eyes and let out a deep sigh.

“No, I mean, I should be concerned because if you read that I’m probably going to combust and you’re going to dump me and run for the hills.” He furrows his brows in confusion and you slowly lift up your hand. “Can I please have that back before I have a mild panic attack?”

He stares at you, trying to gauge your emotions. All he can see is panic and sadness and it breaks his heart so he instantly gives in and hands you the iPad.

“Don’t worry about it, love. I trust you.” He leans forward to give you a chaste kiss.

You let out a pained groan against his lips and Bucky is once again confused.

“Ughhhh I hate hiding things from you.” You lock your iPad so the screen goes dark. “Okay, fine, I guess this conversation is happening. Remember when we first started dating and I, uh, mentioned I used to read and write stories about….us being a couple?”

Bucky nods, trying not to reveal any emotion to you that might make you spiral into a panic, and you continue.

“Well, that was one of those stories I wrote. I stopped looking on Tumblr basically as soon as I met you because it got all weird and meta and I got super uncomfy by the idea of reading fanfics - that’s what they’re called - about my new friend/now boyfriend Bucky Barnes. And then we started dating and I was all happy and shit and I totally forgot that those fics were still out there. Obviously I haven’t written any since then because that would be weird for...many, many reasons. Someone must have found an old one and commented on it. I’ll delete it. I’ll delete all of them. I swear. I’m so sorry, Bucky. I should have been more on top of this.”

Bucky stares at you, lips pursed and you grimace, afraid of the next words that are about to come out of his mouth.

This is so weird, Y/n. How could you do this?

No wonder you didn’t date anyone before me.

Obsessed much? (Okay, he probably wouldn’t say it like that but STILL).

No, what Bucky said next was much, much worse than what you could have imagined.

“Can I read one?”

Your mouth drops. Closes. Drops again. You blink rapidly.

“I’m sorry, I just hallucinated. What?”

Bucky points to your iPad, a sly grin forming on his face. “I want to read one of your stories.”

You take a step back from him, horror stricken as you pull the iPad closer to you as if you were protecting your collector’s edition of ‘Throne of Glass.’

“Absolutely not.”

Bucky steps forward and you step back. He chuckles. “Come onnn, doll. I want to know what your fantasies were about me before we got together.” He laughs harder as the look of horror on your face grows more manic.

“Bucky, I know you’re a super soldier and could probably punch me into the sun with your metal arm, but I promise I will fight to the death before I let you read one of these fics.”

You and Bucky continue this dance of him stepping forward and you stepping back until you feel your legs make contact with your couch and you fall back into a sitting position on its arm. Bucky uses this opportunity to tower over you, his arms resting on the couch so that you’re pinned between them.

Then, he pulls out the big guns.

His gaze softens, blue eyes shining into yours. His bottom lip puffs out and he gives you the most adorable, sexiest pout you’ve seen in your whole life.

“Please, love?” He says it with a slightly higher pitch, almost like a whine and it still sounds like honey to your ears. He even nudges your nose with his like a freaking sociopath.

Damn.

You close your eyes, let out a breath, then open them back up to him. “I hate you.”

His pout turns into a boyish grin and he gives you a quick kiss. “You love me.”

You groan. “Hopefully you still love me after this, Buck. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

You stand and open up your iPad, scrolling through your masterlist and finding what used to be one of your favorite fluff pieces. You begrudgingly hand it to Bucky and he sits on the couch.

Unable to sit still during this agonizing experience, you proceed to pace around your apartment like a crazy person and resort to cleaning the inside of your microwave which you haven’t done in a few months so it’s a good thing that Bucky is reading your fic so that you could get that out of the way. You probably won’t have a boyfriend in a few minutes but at least your microwave will be spotless.

You only steal a few glances at Bucky as he reads, mortified each time as you see his eyebrows move in every possible direction. Up, down, knit together, were they criss-crossed at one point?

Finally, after what feels like the longest ten minutes of your life, Bucky lets out a soft grunt, placing the iPad down on his lap. He looks up to you and you give him a weak smile.

“Alright, let me have it, Buck. Give me your worst. Be honest. Also, I love you.”

Bucky glances down at the iPad and then back at you.

“Well, I have a few questions.”

Your right eye twitches. “Hm?”

“Now that you’ve met me, do you still think my eyes are an all-consuming storm of blue?” You groan. He grins. “Or do you think my jawline was cut from marble created by the gods?”

This time, you breathe out a laugh and you walk over to sit on his lap. You take hold of his chin.

“Bucky, I don’t think I could ever come up with the right words to describe you. The real thing is quite literally a million times better than anything I’ve ever written.”

His eyebrows raise. “That is...probably the best compliment I’ve ever gotten in my whole damn life.” He leans forward and kisses you, and you sigh into the feeling of his mouth on yours, relief flooding through you.

You pull away, eyes skeptical. “So, you’re not thinking about how you can escape and never see my crazy ass again?”

“On the contrary, love, I’m thinking about how I can convince you to buy this gorgeous green dress you apparently wore as my wedding date. The one that showed off your cleavage in a way that made Bucky’s brain melt.”

The two of you burst out laughing and you lightly shove his chest. “Sure thing, Bucko. How about I work on the dress situation and you work on ordering us Thai food so that we don’t lose our taste buds from whatever the hell I just made.”

-----

Thank you for reading! Feel free to check out my other stuff here. :)

Taglist: @ceo-of-daichi @biiskuitx @forgetthisbull @eclipses-and-moondust @abcdefxkyou @jackiehollanderr @billionsofbeans @abitgryffindorky @lovelylostminds @mija-just-breathe @semlohkratz @bratty-longbottom-replies @carrotfantasimp @cremedelabrulee @ant1r3al1ty @th-e-mg@laura-moehrchen @emma-the-duck17 @sunnyjane4 @rosaline-black @parodsal000 @vicmc624 @abrunettefangirlnerd @officiallykuute @edityourwishingwell @mymindslabyrinth

***This was the original tag list for the To Be Wanted series. If you would like to be removed from the taglist for any other stories related to this series, feel free to DM me! And let me know if you would like to be *added* to the taglist for any other future stories featuring these two knuckleheads. :)

[bestiesenpai]

youtuber Sukuna

I beg you to read the shitposts I made about this, they are delicious. You don’t have to of course but...if you loved me you would :) s/n = screen name, and I hope you chuckle at Sukunas screen name

Content warning: uhmhm lowkey incel shit(mean internet comments and whatnot)

part two --- part 3

Name: Sukuna. Age: 25. Height: 6 foot 5 inches. Occupation: toxic Youtuber, fitness trainer and hot guy.

Sukuna wasn’t exactly known for being kind. He wasn’t nice to others, rarely having anything good to say about anyone, and he’d made a successful Youtube career out of it. First starting as a fitness trainer at his gym, through encouragement from his clients and the notion of a quick cash grab, he started Youtube.

He didn’t care about it and that reflected in the quality of his videos and editing. He didn’t have consistent uploads, just filming and posting videos whenever he wanted, analytics be fucked. But somehow, that worked out for him, and he quickly found himself with over two million subscribers just frothing at the mouth for his next video.

And those subscribers were some of the worst people. Sukuna didn’t care about fostering a safe space online for others, not in the slightest. His comment sections were atrocious, both on his Youtube and his Instagram. It was full of toxic men one-upping each other constantly and dragging on each other for not being able to work out as much as Sukuna did.

Sukuna was a large part of why his fanbase were so toxic. He himself often made bad comments about others, whether fellow creators or people that happened to appear in the backgrounds of his videos, and on more than one occasion he’d been ‘cancelled’. None of that mattered though, all he cared about was shitting on other people and making money.

Sometimes he played video games and posted it, but not too often. Sukuna often stated he wasn’t so much of a fucking lonely loser that he’d play video games all the time, and so the gaming videos he did post were few and far between. He played angry shooter games and GTA, mindless button clicking he could get lost in for a few hours for a video.

Laying in bed one night after uploading his most recent video, one where he rages at 12 year olds on GTA online, Sukuna was just scrolling through his phone mindlessly. After he uploads video game content, like clockwork, he gets recommendations for gaming channels. He only watches a few of them, mostly leaving mean comments saying what losers they are, but one catches his eye.

He’s never been recommended this kind of video before. The thumbnail is light and bright with some pink aesthetic lights in the back. But the most enticing thing is the person in the middle, cute pink cat ear headphones on and a bright smile.

“Let’s see…” Sukuna mumbles to himself, mindlessly clicking the video. He hasn’t even read the title, he only clicked it because they were cute, and here he is nearly blinded by the bright setup they have.

“Hi everyone, it’s (Y/N) here and I’m really excited today! We’re going to be playing this new game I found!” Sukuna is immediately enraptured by the sound of your voice, watching how your face changes as you talk. His eyes drift off to the decor behind you, cute plushies and healthy plants, and some twinkling fairy lights. There’s books as well, and your chair is one of those ergonomic gamer chairs he has as well but in pink.

Sukuna watches the video dumbly, totally in the dark about whatever you’re doing, but loving it all the same. All he knows is that he likes the sound of your voice, and when you laugh and smile at a funny part in the game, it makes a light flush come to his cheeks.

It only takes one video for Sukuna to spiral into more of your content. He watches a video on your gaming setup, and he’s surprised that so much technology can come in pink. He watches a video on how you edit, a few of you cooking in your kitchen, and even a few vlog videos.

He quickly subscribes to your channel, and when you plug your social media, he immediately goes there. Pulling up your Instagram, he stares at your profile picture and almost audibly coos at you for being cute.

Your profile is just as cute as your videos are and Sukuna barely remembers to follow you before he’s going through your whole feed, liking every picture he sees. Sometimes he leaves comments, only one word though, ‘cute’. He’s never liked something so outright cute before, it wasn’t who he was and it definitely didn’t fit with his brand.

Falling asleep after following you on every platform, Sukuna wakes up thinking about you as well. And he also wakes up to hundreds of comments from all his accounts, bombarding him with questions and screenshots from last night.

‘SUKUNA WHY WOULD YOU LIKE THIS SHIT?!’

‘OMG Sukuna liked (Y/N)s posts!!’

‘Sukuna is so gross and toxic, you better stay away from (Y/N)!’

‘SUKUNA YOU GAY NOW’

‘EW why the fuck do you like this bitch?’

There were hundreds of comments that he waded through. Most were from his fans, expressing disgust at how many photos of yours he’d liked and wondering why he, Sukuna, most heterosexual alpha male on the planet, would like a pretty in pink Youtuber who had bubbly intros and whined when their animal crossing villagers wanted to move away.

Other comments were from your fans, some in awe that he would like you considering how much he said he hated overly cute things. Other fans expressed concern, worried what this might mean for their favorite Youtuber. Did Sukuna want to cause problems, potentially hurting you? He did have a reputation of bullying others, so this wasn’t far fetched.

Checking your Instagram, you didn’t make any comment about it. There wasn’t any update or anything, but on his end he was being tagged in endless Twitter threads with screenshots of him liking your posts and commenting under them.

“For fucks sake.” He grunted, clenching his phone in his hands. The amount of notifications he was getting were starting to upset him and he nearly threw his phone to get them to stop.

Ignoring his phone for the rest of the day, Sukuna went to the gym like he always did and trained with his clients. Some of them brought it up to him, asking him if he had a mind break last night and forgot what he was doing. Sending them harsh glares, Sukuna refused to talk about it.

“Oh my fucking god.” Sukuna nearly wailed when he got home, finally checking his phone. His name and yours had begun trending, and the hashtag #protect(Y/N) was also. Muttering angrily under his breath, Sukuna turned on Instagram live.

“Okay what the fuck!” He shouted, seeing the live become instantly flooded with people all screaming about you and him. “You’re all fucking annoying, you know that?” Glaring harshly at the camera, he read some of the comments that went by.

‘WHY’D YOU LIKE (Y/N)S POSTS FROM 2017’

‘Are you two secretly dating??’

‘COLLAB!’

“Who gives a shit why I liked their stuff, you’re a fucking weirdo for keeping track of me. And we aren’t secretly dating, dipshits.” Rolling his eyes, Sukuna scoffed as more comments came in begging for a collaboration. “And think about it you morons, why would we collab? Our shit is too fucking different, what would we even film about?”

Sukuna stayed on Instagram live for nearly an hour answering questions asking about you. Every time he had to answer that you weren’t secretly dating, he got a little more annoyed. Not at the comments themselves but at the fact that it was true; you didn’t even know he existed.

Ending the live in a huff, Sukuna didn’t feel any better than before, and it was made even worse by the fact that everything he said was being relayed to Twitter, and you were tagged in every tweet.

“These idiots!” Staring at his phone, Sukuna couldn’t believe what he was seeing. On your Instagram stories, you’d posted a q&a for your followers, and nearly all of the comments were about Sukuna.

“Hi everyone! No, me and Sukuna aren’t dating!” You said, laughing a little to ease how uncomfortable you were. “To be honest, I’ve never even heard of him before! As you know, my content is very...different from his, so our circles don’t exactly intersect. But I’m always happy to have new followers and potential friends!”

“Fuck me.” Sukuna groaned, cringing at how uncomfortable you looked having to address the sudden onslaught of questions. For once he wished he’d actually given a shit about his online presence, so that maybe one day your circles could intersect. He knew he scared you, he scared a lot of people, and this was just proof.

“Uh, Sukuna if you see this, hi it’s nice to meet you!” You said in the next slide, puffing out your cheeks and waving cutely at the camera. It made Sukuna blush, and he hated it. “Thank you for following me and liking my content! I was very surprised that you found me!”

“Of course I did, idiot, you’re fucking cute.” He muttered under his breath.

“I know a lot of people are asking for us to do a video together and I know our content is really different, so don’t feel pressured to respond or anything, but the offer is open! If you’d like, we can collab on something.”

“On what?” He asked like you were there.

“I cook sometimes, and I know you cook too! Maybe we can make a cooking video? You can teach me how to make healthy food or something!” Sukuna could tell a fake laugh when he heard one, and you definitely had one right now. “Anyways, thank you! Bye Sukuna!” But hearing you say his name cutely like that made him not care.

He nearly responded right away, accepting the collab offer now that you’d spoken about it, but he didn’t want to seem desperate. He watched through the rest of your Instagram stories, going back and replaying the parts where you talked about him over and over and his heart clenched every time when you said his name.

In the dead of night, Sukuna DM’s you after watching your latest video and leaving the simple comment ‘check your DM’s’.

“Fuck, what should I say?” He’s suddenly stumped as he looks at the keyboard. Typing and retyping a message, in the end all he can say is hi. He doesn’t expect a reply, ever, but when he gets a vibration on his phone two seconds later he jumps to read it.

(S/N): hi Sukuna! :)

(cursedgod): hey

Real fucking smart, repeating what he just said.

(S/N): is there something you wanted to talk to me about?

(S/N): I hope you haven’t been annoyed at all the notifications you’ve been getting!

(cursedgod): No it’s okay

(cursedgod): we can collab if you want

Good Sukuna, good. Play it cool, don’t let them know that your fingers are actually trembling because you’re nervous.

(S/N): do you want to?? I don’t want to pressure you! I know we’re pretty different haha

(cursedgod): yeah, let's do it. Cooking?

(S/N): sure!

Looking around his home, he was suddenly assaulted with the fact that he didn’t have any furniture. He barely had a proper bedroom, just a mattress on a bare frame and a dresser. His lounge room was the same with his computer setup in one corner and then nothing else. There was only a couch, a mounted TV and a fold out table and chairs for his dining room.

(cursedgod): I know a studio kitchen we can use, I’ll send you the address

Thank god he’d done promo work for a brand in a studio one day, otherwise he’d be fucked.

(S/N): awesome! I’m free next Saturday!

And just like that, it was a date. Well, a meeting. Sukuna knew it wasn’t a date, but his heart still thumped like it was one. Confirming the time, he ended the conversation with a curt goodbye and obsessed about it throughout the night.

When the day to meet you came, Sukuna nearly ran late trying to pick out his clothes. He’d never cared about looking good or presenting himself well in front of others, whatever version of him he turned up in was what they got. But for you, he wanted to try a little harder.

Waiting outside the studio space, Sukuna rubbed his hands together nervously. You’d messaged a day or two ago offering to put the video on your channel since it probably wouldn’t fit his aesthetic, so he didn’t have to bring his shitty camera equipment.

“S-sukuna?” Snapping his head up, Sukunas mouth fell open looking at your curious face a few feet away, an Uber driving off behind you. You were even cuter in person, just his fucking luck. How was he expected to act like a normal person when his recent obsession was here looking better than he could have imagined.

“Hi.” What comes out is a grunt, not the smooth word he’d hoped. He can see you eyeing him up, taking in all the thick and corded muscles of his body. It made his chest puff out a little, he worked hard for this physique and to have you so openly looking at him made him happy.

“It’s nice to meet you!” Sticking your hand out, you smiled politely at him.

“Same.” Shaking your hand with a firm grip, Sukuna could feel the difference in your palms. Yours was soft and nicely moisturized and he had callouses everywhere and a few cuts and scrapes.

Opening the door for you, Sukuna led you to the studio space he’d rented out. It was a clean and modern kitchen, not unlike his own, but it had appliances and looked actually lived in. Helping you set up a few camera angles, Sukuna felt a pang of nerves hit him in the stomach.

“Sukuna, can we take a picture together?” You asked before starting, and Sukunas brow furrowed deeply. Why would you want to take a picture with him? His expression must have scared you, because you quickly backtracked. “F-for promo for this video, on Instagram and stuff!”

“Sure.” God, did he feel bad or what. He shouldn’t have made that face at you, now you wouldn’t look him in the eye. Crouching down to get the right angle for you, Sukuna watched you pick a cute animal filter.

“Just do what I do.” Throwing up a peace sign, you cutely tilted your head from side to side and smiled. Sukuna tried to do the same but he looked awkward, and most of all he was blushing pretty bad.

You snapped a multitude of pictures, some at different angles and some with different filters, and in all of them Sukuna was blushing at least a little. He managed to smile more as it went on, even laughing at one of the filters.

“Thanks! I’m going to post these really quick and then we can get started!” Giving him a brief smile, you turned back to your phone and set about editing some of the pictures. Looking over your shoulder, Sukuna could see that he looked like a blushing high schooler meeting their idol for the first time and not a grown man.

Once the photos were posted and you tagged him in everything, it was time to start. Setting up your marks on the floor, you took a generous drink of water and cleared your throat.

“Are you ready for the intro? I’ll start it and introduce you, okay?” You’d actually prepared a script for yourself, and showed Sukuna as well.

“Okay.” Stepping in front of the camera, Sukuna bristled at feeling you so close to him. Your arm brushed his casually as you were fixing your shirt, and Sukuna was glad he’d worn his most expensive cologne for this.

“Hi everyone, welcome to today's video! As you know, I’m (Y/N), and today we have a special guest today!” Throwing your arms in the air, you motioned to Sukuna.

“Hi.” He nodded, barely cracking a smile. He could feel you looking at him like you wanted to say something, but he didn’t look.

“So, many people have been asking for us to do a collaboration and it’s finally here!” Clapping your hands lightly, you rocked on your heels and nudged his shoulder with yours. “Do you want to tell them what we’ll be doing today?”

“Uh-” The playful nudge you’d given him was enough to make Sukuna short circuit. “I-I-” He suddenly couldn’t remember how to speak. “Rice?”

“Let’s try that again.” You laughed. “Do you want to tell them what we’ll be doing today?” This time, you didn’t nudge him with your shoulder.

“We’re gonna…” the words were on the tip of his tongue, they wanted to come out and be spoken but he couldn’t do it.

“It’s okay, it’s okay!” Nodding reassuringly, you took a deep breath in and out, and Sukuna shakily copied. “One more try?” When he looked at you, Sukuna expected to see a hint of annoyance in your face, but there was none. You were just smiling softly at him, waiting for his answer.

“Yeah. I’ll uh, I’ll get it next time.” Stepping away from the camera, Sukuna took a drink of water and cleared his throat. Cracking the bones in his neck, he took a deep breath and came back. “Let’s do it.” No more fucking embarrassments.

“Do you want to tell them what we’ll be doing today?” You asked for the third time, slightly swaying your body side to side this time.

“We’re gonna make katsudon today.” Finally, the words he wanted to say came out.

“That’s right! As you can see, Sukuna is really fit!” You immediately hopped in, giving his arm a brief squeeze. “And he knows how to make a ton of healthy meals!”

“Mhmm.”

“So I asked if he could help teach me, and all of you at home, how to make it!” Smiling at the camera, you waited a few seconds before relaxing and turning it off. “Did you like that? We can refilm it if you want.”

“No, it’s okay.” Running a hand through his hair, he pointed to the bag of rice he’d brought. “Let’s get started on this shit.”

Taking fifteen minutes to film the two of you filling up the rice cooker, when it was over, you set about getting aesthetic shots of the other ingredients. Sukuna tried to seem casual off to the side on his phone, but he was really watching you.

Getting started on chopping the ingredients, Sukuna somehow managed to say the things he was supposed to without stuttering too badly. He was amazed that you could make the things he was doing sound so interesting, your narration as you held the camera and tried to do things yourself was impressive to the man that barely knew anything about cameras.

“Sukuna, I need help cutting the meat.” You whined, tapping the meat on the cutting board with a knife. “I don’t remember how you showed me.”

“Here.” Without thinking, Sukuan grabbed your hand with the knife in it and moved it for you. “You just have to move your wrist more, it’s not that hard.” Doing it a few times, when Sukuna felt your chest expand with air against his, that’s when he realized how close the two of you were. “S-sorry.” Immediately jumping back, he stared at the floor.

“Thanks!” Giving him a smile, you kept at it.

“I’ll fry the meat.” Stepping in as soon as you were done, Sukuna already had the hot oil ready. He was eager to cook and do something with his hands instead of - what he felt like - was awkwardly watching you off to the side.

“Okay!” Grabbing the camera, you focused on the pan. “You’re really good at this, Sukuna!”

“T-thanks.” Staring directly at the pan, Sukuna didn’t look away. Even with the hot oil popping up from the pan a few times and burning his fingers, he didn’t flinch at all.

“Ow!” But you did. Your hand had gotten too close, and when Sukuna flipped the meat, some of the oil had gotten on your hand.

“Shit.” Abandoning the pan, Sukuna was ready to drag you over to the sink for some cool water.

“I-it’s okay, it was only a little.” Shaking your stinging hand, you point to the food. “But I think the meat might burn.”

“Shit!”

Narrowly avoiding disaster with the meat, when it came time to cook the eggs, you made a joke about how you liked your eggs in the morning and Sukuna burnt them almost immediately. While not an overtly sexual comment, the implications of the words still affected him.

Somehow, he managed to make the dish come together and while his plated dish didn’t come out the best, yours looked at least halfway decent with overcooked meat and burnt eggs. The only things not messed up were the rice and vegetables, and even then Sukuna was surprised.

“We did it everyone, we made katsudon!” Holding up the bowls, you smiled big and nudged Sukunas shoulder again. “You saw we had a few mishaps along the way, but that’s okay, that’s what made it fun.”

“Yeah, it was fun.” Sukuna chuckled. Despite him being more nervous than he’d ever thought possible, he had fun cooking alongside you.

“Sukuna, will you try mine? I made it super pretty and everything.” Holding your dish up to him, Sukuna wasn’t expecting you to do that. Now he felt bad that his looked so ugly and like a teenaged boy made it; he almost said no.

Eating yours though, somehow it tasted better than he was expecting. It must have been how you prepared it, and the fact that you cared so much about the presentation. Eating it in silence, he let you eat in peace as well for a few minutes and compliment the food to the camera.

“Alright, that’s the end of the video!” Putting your bowl down, you turned to Sukuna. “I had so much fun today, thanks for filming this with me.” Now was his chance to make everything better. Putting his bowl down and bolstering himself with confidence, Sukuna threw his arm over your shoulder and pulled you close to him.

“Thank you (Y/N), I really did enjoy today. I hope we can film again soon!” He squeezed your shoulder and smiled really big at not only you but the camera as well. He knew he was blushing, he knew that even the tip of his nose was a nice rosy shade, but he didn’t care. If people teased him for it, then so be it. But he wanted you to know how he truly felt.

“R-really? You want to?” You asked, looking up at Sukuna from your place smooshed against his body.

“Really.”

“Aww, well you heard it here first everyone! Sukuna wants to shoot another video with me!” Clapping your hands a few times, you waved at the camera. “Okay, bye everyone!”

“Bye.” Sukuna waved too, waiting a few seconds before letting you go and turning off the camera.

“Sukuna, did you really mean it? You want to film another video with me?” You were in utter disbelief. All this time, he’d just seemed very standoffish, if not a little awkward around you. You were happy to film this video with him, he had way more followers than you and it would help boost both your channels, and to hear him say that just made it even better.

“Yeah, I was serious.” Sukuna spoke around stuffing his mouth with the food he still had left. He was more hungry than he thought, the nerves doing a good job of twisting his stomach during the video. Now that it’s over, he can finally relax.

“That makes me really happy.” Eating the rest of your food as well, you leant against the counter. “This is gonna sound kind of mean, but I was really scared to film with you today. I thought you were going to be really mean.”

“Shit, you did?” He grimaced, letting out a sigh. “Sorry I had you worried.” He could already imagine the comments you would get from his fans.

“It’s okay! You’re actually way nicer in person, I was surprised!”

“That’s good.”

“And you’re really buff, you have muscles in places I didn’t even know were possible!” You laughed bashfully at that comment, and avoided looking at him when he stared at you in shock. “I couldn’t help but notice…”

Were you checking him out? Had you been checking him out this whole time and he didn’t even realize? He had seen you eyeing him up when you first met, but were you looking at him like that at other times as well? Now he’d really have to watch your video to see if it was true.

“Thanks, it’s my job.” Could he have said that any lamer? “My job outside of all this, I mean. I’m a trainer at this fancy gym downtown.”

“Oh, I’ve seen some of your videos at your gym! I know which one you’re talking about.”

“You do? You’ve seen my videos?” If he wasn’t surprised before, he was now.

“Yeah, you know I had to do a little research beforehand.” You nodded, beginning to clean up the dishes around you. “And I know you’ve already watched almost all of my videos, so it only seemed fair.”

Did you have to bring that up? Now Sukuna was embarrassed again.

“Y-yeah, I did.” Clearing his throat, Sukuna helped gather the dishes. He took up washing them, another task he could do to get his mind off you. As you took down the camera equipment, he nearly broke several dishes and utensils from scrubbing too hard.

“I’ll call you an Uber.” He said when all was said and done and you were back at the front of the building.

“You don’t have to, it’s okay.”

“No, I want to.” Quickly calling you a ride, Sukuna fiddled with his phone a little more. “Uh, could I- could I-” His voice kept leaving him, and he had to cough a few times. “Can I get your number? I really liked your camera shit and I want to improve mine.” Okay, it wasn’t a total lie. He did like your setup and wanted to make his just as good, but he really wanted your number to potentially talk to you more about things outside of Youtube.

“Sure! Go ahead and type it in.” You were quick to give him your phone, a cute pink phone case on the back of it. Typing it in, he can’t help but notice the little devil emoji you add by his name. He wants to ask, but your ride is already pulling up.

“Bye!” Setting all your camera gear inside the car, you turn and wave goodbye.

“See ya.” Just as you’re about to close the car door, Sukuna gets a burst of confidence. “Text me when you get home, okay?”

“Okay!” And off you go. Sukuna watches the car drive off until he can’t see it anymore. He takes his time getting to his own place, eagerly awaiting your message with every step. But even when you do message him, all he can do is send a thumbs up back and nothing else.

It’s about two and a half days after that that you text him again, letting him know you’re done editing and that you’re going to post the video soon. It wasn’t a very long video to begin with, so the editing was simple enough. Sukuna replied with what appeared to be a lackluster ‘can’t wait’, but on the inside he was shaking. He’d already screenshot all the pictures the two of you took together and added them to a folder.

“Here we go.” As soon as the video went live, Sukuna watched it. He was mortified as soon as it started at the blush so evident on his cheeks, and how it stayed throughout the whole thing. He groaned at the part where he helped you cut up the meat, he almost wishes you’d cut it out. Every little detail that made him embarrassed was there, every little nuance of his actions you’d managed to capture and make it cute.

(Y/N): How do you like it??

You texted him after twenty minutes, eager to hear his thoughts.

(Sukuna): it’s good, good editing and stuff

(Y/N): yay! I’m going to read comments in a few hours, you should too! I bet people will be really shocked!

(Sukuna): yeah no doubt

Oh, he was definitely going to read the comments. Whereas you were going to wait for a fair few to come in before commenting, Sukuna frequently refreshed the page and read the new ones as they came in. You were right, a lot of people were surprised, but he also saw a lot of his fans as well.

‘Ew Sukuna really cooked for that bitch? They can’t do it themselves?’

‘Yeah, why do they have to rely on him? Useless as fuck lol’

‘Sukuna only did this to get laid, (Y/N) looks like an easy fuck’

All of those comments, and many more, made his blood boil. Usually, he wouldn’t care at all about the comments, letting them fester in his comment section and spiral out of control. But for you, it was different.

‘Fuck off and die you pieces of shit. Leave (Y/N) alone or say it to my fucking face’

Sukuna sent that message, along with a variety of other threats, to all the people that insulted you. He didn’t care that this wasn’t his channel and that you would deal with it in whatever way you wanted to. He needed to defend you against the unwanted audience he’d brought you.

Luckily, after seeing Sukunas messages, all of his fans backed off. They knew how serious he was about his threats and there were many rumors that he actually did go and beat people up who said things he didn’t like. No one wanted to be on the receiving end of his torment.

With Sukunas name attached to the video and his heavy presence in the comment section, the video easily went viral. It was easily the most viewed video on your channel, getting on the trending pages of several different platforms.

(Sukuna): hey

It’s nearly a week after the first video that Sukuna messages you, and the hype is still going strong, and your follower count grows greatly from it.

(Y/N): hi! What’s up?

(Sukuna): do you want to film a video for my channel now? We can play a game, I have a few

(Y/N): sure that sounds fun!

Oh how wrong you were. The game Sukuna chose was a scary game, a shooter game with scary zombies and a lot of possible jumpscares. He doesn’t tell you either, so on the night of filming - he insisted on it being nighttime to get the full scary effect - you were caught off guard.

“I don’t know about this.” You whined once you saw the title. The two of you were video calling alongside playing the game together, and Sukuna’s eyes flicked to your figure on the screen.

“It’ll be okay, I’ll carry you, don’t worry.” He had started filming as soon as he’d set up the game, and you were filming yourself as well for him.

“You promise it won’t be too scary?”

“If it’s too scary just close your eyes and I’ll protect you.” Smiling softly at you, he started up the game. The beginning was fine, just a quick introduction to the game, but as soon as things started to get moving, you were scared.

“Sukuna a zombie is eating me!” You screamed, frantically pushing buttons in an attempt to get it off.

“It’s okay!” He quickly got rid of it, and made sure to stay close to your character as the story progressed.

“(Y/N) stay by me, there’s about to be a whole lot of them.”

“Close your eyes there’s about to be a jump scare here.”

“Don’t worry about getting that item, I’ll grab it for you!”

Sukuna nearly forgot he was being filmed, saying sweet things to you to help encourage you and make sure you weren’t overwhelmed. There were many parts where you screamed in fright and Sukuna was there to coo at you and tell you it was okay. He made sure that your character never died, making sure to keep you close until the end of the game.

“Sukuna, that was so hard!” Squishing your cheeks in your hands, you looked at him through your phone.

“It was fun though, wasn’t it? I had fun with you.” Completely abandoning the game, he stared down at his phone with a soft smile on his face.

“Yeah, when there weren’t so many zombies.” You stuck your tongue out at him, and it made him laugh. Leaning his head into his hand, Sukuna grinned when you yawned.

“Aw, are you tired? Better go to sleep soon.” His voice dropped to a lower volume, like you were right next to him.

“I will.” You yawned again and it made Sukuna yawn as well.

“Get off the phone and go to bed, you’re making me tired too.”

“Fine.” Whining out the word, you waved sleepily. “Goodnight Sukuna, I’ll send you the video files in the morning, okay?”

“Night.” Waving back, Sukuna waited until you hung up to turn his stuff off as well.

In the morning, Sukuna was ready to edit. What usually took him a week to edit out of laziness, he took only a day to edit this video with you together. Rewatching the footage, he nearly gagged at seeing how soft his face got when he looked at you, and most of those parts were left in because he couldn’t stand to watch them and fix them.

(Sukuna): videos up

The next day, he messaged you. Once again Sukuna patrolled the comments, swiftly deleting any that said even a hint of a bad thing about you. There was less this time, what with Sukuna adding a warning at the beginning of the video threatening anyone that talked down at you.

This video, like the first, went viral. But for a much different reason. Since Sukuna was emotionally unable to deal with how sappy he was and edit those parts out, everyone got to see how soft he was for you. If the comments weren’t mean, they were screaming about how you and Sukuna must be dating now, because why else would he look at you and talk to you like that?

And much to Sukuna’s dismay, there were also fancam edits of you two together. Any clippable moment of him being sweet on you in the videos you’d made together along with the photos you’d posted on Instagram were edited together and posted on Twitter. You both were tagged in every single one, making sure Sukuna saw all the videos of you and him together. He saved all of them too, delighting in the way you looked with him with all those pretty filters.

By the end of the day, people were trying to put a ship name together for the two of you and he’s seen you repost a few fancams with cute messages of thanks as well. Seeing you receptive to the fans screaming about the two of you made him happy, even if he was still too nervous to text you about anything outside of Youtube.

As more comments came in, people on Twitter were begging him to do a vlog with you. You had quite a few on your channel, going to cafes or filming what your day or week was like. Sukuna had watched them all and was jealous of every single person that appeared alongside you.

(Y/N): hey I’m doing a live on Instagram if you want to join me! I know people really like us together lol it’ll be great for views

(Sukuna): sure

Did you want him to join now? He’d just gotten out of the shower and thrown on a pair of sweats, he wasn’t exactly decent. But he didn’t want to waste time getting ready only for you to end the live.

“Hi Sukuna!” You smiled and waved when he appeared on the screen.

“Hey.” He waved back, not caring about the angle he was holding the camera in. He saw hearts begin to fill up the screen and comments started to fly by, almost all in caps about the fact he was shirtless talking to you.

“Guys, don’t be weird! Who cares that Sukuna is shirtless?” You tried to stop them, but it was clear you were flustered as well. You weren’t looking at him, peeking at him through the screen a few times.

“God you’re all thirsty as fuck.” Sukuna finally looked at himself on the screen. He was shirtless and in bed, hair slightly damp and tousled on his pillow. Reading a few comments, he shot up. “Of course I’m wearing pants, you nasty fuck!” Storming out of bed, he stood in front of the only mirror in his house that wasn’t in the bathroom and turned the camera around. “See, look!”

“Oh.” Gasping softly, you were glad Sukuna didn’t notice you screenshot the live. Clad in only gray sweatpants, Sukuna’s freshly cleaned skin gleamed in the light of his bedroom and every single muscle and edge of his body was on display.

“There, told you I wasn’t fucking naked.” Rolling his eyes, he flopped back down on the bed. None of the comments had gotten any better, all of them talking about how hot he was and how you were so lucky to know him in real life.

“L-let's talk about something else.” You stammered, not showing your face on camera for a few minutes. Sukuna laughed at the comments teasing you for being embarrassed, agreeing with some of them under his breath.

“So, what the fuck are you all doing here?” Sukuna posed the question at the chat, but at you as well.

“Well before you came everyone was talking about you...and you know how everyone has been begging for us to vlog?” You started off slowly, peeking an eye at his face.

“Yeah?”

“I wanted to call you to ask how you felt about that?” How he felt? Why did you want to know?

“You couldn’t have texted me that?” That wasn’t necessarily what he wanted to say, but it made you chuckle, so it was okay.

“No! I wanted to ask so everyone could know!”

“I don’t mind it.” If you wanted to vlog with him, he would do it in a heartbeat.

“So…” Worrying your lip, you looked off camera for a few seconds before looking directly at Sukuna. “Would you like to be in a vlog with me, at a cafe? It’s outside the city, kind of far, but we can rent a car or-”

“Yes.” Sukuna interrupted, nodding his head quickly. “I’ll come. We don’t have to rent a car, I’ll drive.”

“Really?” The comments were just as shocked as you were. Sukuna never filmed anywhere but his home and the gym, this would be a monumental occasion.

“Did you want me to say no?”

“No!” You screamed immediately, nearly dropping your phone. “I just- I wasn’t expecting you to say yes!”

“Well I did.” Sukuna bit his lip, running a hand through his hair and flexing his arm. “So I guess it’s a date, huh?” His normal asshole confidence was back now that you were appearing through a screen and not right next to him. A surprised sound came from the back of your throat, and you nearly dropped the phone again.

“Y-yeah! A date!” It felt good to have you flustered for once and not Sukuna. Laughing heartily at you, Sukuna smirked at the comments.

“Was that all you wanted to ask me or was there something more?”

“No, that was it!”

“Alright.” Licking his lip and letting his tongue hang out of his mouth a little, Sukuna watched you bite your lip as well. “Well I’m gonna go, I got stuff to do, but I’ll text you later (Y/N).” Dropping his voice as he said goodbye, Sukuna left the livestream.

“Holy fuck.” As soon as his phone was off, Sukuna let out a breath he’d been holding in. His heart was pounding hard despite how confident he was in his actions. Flirting was nothing new to him, but with you it felt different and like he’d never done it before in his life.

He watched the rest of your livestream while he finished getting ready for bed, laughing at the comments still teasing you about getting flustered with him. The notifications for Twitter were going off as well, and he knew for sure that there were new fancams for him to check out later.

(Y/N): Sukuna!! You’re so embarrassing!

Texting him after your stream, your cheeks were still burning at the memory.

(Sukuna): hey, you said it would be good for views and it was

(Y/N): I know…

(Y/N): did you really mean it, about coming with me?

(Sukuna): of course. If I didn’t want to I would have said no

(Y/N): that’s good lol!

There was a lull in conversation, and Sukuna nearly fell asleep waiting for you to either text him again or for him to figure out what to say next.

(Y/N): so, a date huh? Are you going to bring me flowers?

Now he was awake. He didn’t expect you to bring that up again, and his eyes flew open. Sukuna’s fingers hovered over the keyboard, mind going blank on what to say.

(Y/N): lol just kidding! I know you only said that for the stream! I’ll text you later about the details, I’m about to knock out

(Y/N): goodnight :)

Well shit. Now he definitely wanted it to be a date.

[aliwritesss]

~ Labyrinth

Pairings: Eric x reader

Genre: fuckboy au!

Warnings: angst, slightly suggestive, slow burn, swearing

Based on this AU! Highly recommended to read it before you start the series, but can be read alone.

1/? Masterlist

-“… And remember! The deadline for the essay is in three weeks.”- You hear your History teacher’s voice but no one listens to him. The bell just ringed and that meant freedom.

-“ It’s Friday!!! Let’s do something fun.” You hear Kevin’s voice next to you. You thank the heavens and stars to have him in your life, you don’t know what you would have done without him all this time.

-“ What are you thinking?”

-“ Well… You know, everyone’s been on the edge these past months with the exams and all. So Juyeon thought I’d be fun to do a small gathering, only close friends.” He says with the smallest voice and you feel all your body tense up. If you knew one thing is that you couldn’t go to parties, not yet. Not when it’s been so long since you’ve seen him and you’re actually starting to move on. To wake up and not think of him.

-“ It sounds fun! But I think I’m gonna pass this time, I better start working on this assignment.”

-“ Cmon (Y/N), it’s been a month. You gotta go to your old self, I miss you. I miss us having fun.” It pains your heart to hear Kevin, you’d love to have the balls to go to their dorms and be yourself, to dance again till you can’t stand up, to laugh freely but you feel that the spark inside of you has died and you’re afraid that if you go, it won’t light up anymore.

-“ I promise you I’ll go back to my old self. You’ll get back your partner in crime, my little moon.” You say hugging him and exiting the class. -“ Just give me a little bit and you’ll get back your star.”

-“ The world better get ready once the moon and star duo comes back.” He says giving you one of his best smiles and you feel a little bit better. You’ve known him for so long and clicked since then. One day you two were in class and someone said you looked like the team rocket from Pokémon, always together being mischievous. And since then you baptized your friendship as the moon and star duo.

As you walk outside you feel his comment nag you in the back of your head. “Why do I have to feel so bad when he’s doing fine? Was everything a lie? Did he truly love me?” These thoughts have been bugging you lately and you’re starting to get annoyed. You thought you were doing fine but sometimes these dark clouds will come and shake you down. And it seems like today was one of these days.

“ So… Juyeon is doing a gathering huh? Do you realize that it means half of the campus is going, right?”

-“ Yeah… We told him only close people and Changmin said that meant around 50 friends.” He says, rolling his eyes. -“ Thank god we have Sangyeon and Jacob to keep him in check or else It’d be a nightmare.” And that makes you laugh because it’s true, you remember one night you were staying the night in their dorms and suddenly Sunwoo and Chanhee started arguing about the smallest thing. Sangyeon only needed to look at them to make them stop. It was so funny, you don’t want to mess with an angry Sangyeon to be honest.

-“ And… Here we go. I knew it.” You hear Kevin’s annoyed voice. -“ They’re asking me to buy drinks, it seems like more people are coming tonight. I have to go now bubs, but we should do something fun this weekend okay? Just the two of us.” He says while hugging you and you nod. Maybe that’s what you need, to start slowly coming out of your cave.

You start making your way to your dorm thinking about the million things you have to get done in these two weeks and you can feel your anxiety already coming. The pressure you’ve been feeling these past few days it’s getting worse everyday. And the worst of it, it’s that you don’t have anyone to talk about it. Unconsciously, you touch your necklace, feeling a little bit better. You look down to the tiny shiny star and remember the night he gave it to you.

-“ I’ll be your star, ready to guide you even in the darkest times, even when there’s no moon shining.” He said softly in your neck. You smiled at him and looked at the charm. It was a little star filled with crystals. Stunning.

-“ When you feel like giving up, remember that I’ll be here with you. Faintly.” Eric said, touching your necklace.

“Where are you now? Where are you now when I need you the most?” You think for yourself, It’s not like you weren’t starting to move on from him, which you are doing. But you were not forgetting him, and you wish you could.

You wish you could erase all these sweet moments, act like nothing happened. Act like him, cold and unbothered. Why did him have to play you? Was everything a lie? Everything he said, was just a trap to only have fun with you? You couldn’t trust your memories, it seems like you only could remember the good ones.

But what about that night you two had a fight on a party because he was with this girl, laughing and talking the whole night while you were alone? You still remember his words: “ Stop being a pain in the ass, if I wanted to hook up with her dont you think I would have already done it?”. And you being a silly naive girl in love, acted like it didn’t hurt you. Like he didnt had the power to destroy you in matter of seconds if he wanted.

And that was the reason you broke up with him.

Everyone knew you were his girl and god forbid anyone who dared to touch you. But that’s it, you were only that, his girl. He didn’t bother to put a label, you were there for him and that was enough.

-“ Eric what are we doing?”- You asked him the night you two broke up.

-“ What do you mean?”-

-“ What are we doing together? What is this? Are we exclusive? Are we truly in a relationship?”- You asked trembling, you weren’t ready to hear his answer.

-“ Not this again (Y/N). I told you I don’t want to talk about it and you keep bringing this up. I said you are my girl and that should be enough.”-

-“ But it isn’t. It isn’t when there’s a queue of girls waiting for you to get tired of me and drop me like a toy. And I had enough, I need to know what I am to you.” You said sitting in his bed.

-“ You are making me tired with all these questions. I said drop it, (Y/N). You know how I am and still chose to be here with me.”-

-“ I chose you bc you said that you couldn’t do this without me, Eric! You told me that I was special and-.”

-“ So? That gives you the right to be called my girlfriend?”- And that was the last straw. You couldn’t believe what you were hearing, it’s like someone snapped you back to reality. Like you just woke up from a beautiful dream and got hit with the true world.

He loved you, but not in the right way.

He cared about you, but not enough.

You got dressed and started to pick yoiur things while crying. You needed to get out as soon as possible, even if it was 3 in the morning.

-“Cmon (Y/N) don’t be like this. I got mad and you know I say things I regret later. Please let’s talk in the morning when we are calm, okay? Babe please-“

-“ Don’t touch me, Eric. I’ve had enough. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep falling in love with you more and more when we are not in the same page. Not even in the same book.”- You said putting on your sweatshirt, well, his sweatshirt now yours.

-“ Are you serious? Are you going to be like this? After all we’ve been through?”-

-“ Exactly, after all we’ve been through you still think I don’t deserve to be your girlfriend. And let me correct you, you’re the one who doesn’t deserve to be my boyfriend. I’m tired of your shit.”

-“ I know you’re angry (Y/N) but I swear if you leave this room that’s it.”- He said staring at you. You gave him one last smile and closed the door. It was so late at night and you decided to bring this topic up��� That was a stupid move of you to be honest, but it needed to be done.

You can feel your vision getting blurry with all the tears falling but you don’t care anymore.

-“ Star? Is everything ok?”- you feel Kevin’s sleepy voice coming from the other side of the hallway and you let out a sob. -“ Hey, Hey. What happened bubs? Why are you crying? Where’s Eric?”-

-“ I… I- I think we just broke up.” You said hugging him and starting to sob even harder.

- “ Oh gosh…” He said quietly while stroking your hair.

And after that everything was a blur, you only remember him and Haknyeon taking you to your dorm and sleeping there. Everyone knew what happened because they heard you two arguing but no one could bring the topic up. It was typical of you two to argue, but in a matter of hours everything was cleared. But this time was different and both of you knew it.

This time the damage was done and there was no going back now.

A/N: So it’s finally here!! The first chapter of this little series. Thanks to all of you for liking so much the AU and for telling me what you preferred to see on this series. It’ll be after the break up, but I thought it’d be nice to have a little context of why did the discussion happen and to see the dynamic of the relationship. Honestly speaking, I love Eric’s fuckboy vibes so much.. But still it pains me to see him acting this way :( I apologise for any typo or mistake! And remember you can ask in the comments or dms to be tagged and that requests are open!!

TAGLIST: @asherbl @fairycob @givememunjang

[vkelleyart]

Thoughts on fandom: inclusion and engagement.

(Art credit to the kindhearted @penpanoply​!)

There’s been some stuff floating around on Tumblr about strife in the CO/WS fandom, and though I haven’t been explicitly named-dropped on anything public, my DMs have been... active. lol Rather than rehash what’s been said already, I just want to impart a little wisdom and perspective in the hopes it may soothe frayed feelings and offer a way ahead for cultivating a respectful community. As someone who has been an active participant in online fandoms since the mid-’90s, which was the advent of online fandom content creation (shout out to my fellow X-Philes!), and who has also spent a chunk of her professional life managing social media for the federal government and for activist groups, I can promise you it’s all gonna be okay.

Here’s some context for why strife happens and what we can do to create a more inclusive and communicative fandom environment. 

1) It sounds cliché, but fandoms go through growing pains. 

In the case of the Simon Snow fandom, what was once a small and cozy space untouched by cataclysmic events (such as the release of *gasp* a sequel) has grown exponentially in a relatively short amount of time following the release of Wayward Son. Newcomers are eager to find a home in this space at the same time as folks who’ve been here a while may be consciously or unconsciously wary about widening their circle, and It’s important to remember that this is not necessarily an expression of bad behavior on either side but just human psychology doing its thing. 

The byproduct, however, is that tension and stress builds over time from the lack of meaningful communication across the divide, which subsequently fuels misunderstandings. Ironically, the interfaces we use to communicate don’t help with this because any existing communication about the tension happens in tiny vacuums until a trigger goes off and bad feelings go public. 

Way Ahead: These moments of destabilization are opportunities to see where we can be more self aware about how we engage with fandom and the kind of community we want to be. Can you promote, support, or befriend someone trying to gain a foothold? If yes, please do! Each person must reach their own decision about what they can do within the confines of their available energy, health, and time, but a little self awareness goes a long way as long as you’re honest with yourself and others if applicable about what you can contribute. Anyone who judges you for it isn’t worth the strife.

2) In a fandom comprised of vulnerable/marginalized people, it’s more accurate to say that cliques are “bubbles of trust.”

This one's important. Just by nature of the source material, the CO/WS fandom includes fans with a wide array of backgrounds and experiences, especially when it comes to those who identify with the characters’ queerness, mental illness, and/or trauma. I really believe––based on individual conversations/group chats––that the difficult lived experiences that so many of our fandom peers have endured has produced one of the most open, aware, and accepting fandoms I’ve had the pleasure of participating in. Our vulnerability is, in a real way, our strength.

That said, a community of survivors also has the side effect of cultivating small circles of engagement that I call “bubbles of trust.” When you’re a survivor of abuse, marginalization, mental illness, fill-in-the-blank, it’s often quite hard to risk casting a wide net and expanding your circle to include new faces––which can subsequently be internalized by equally sensitive and vulnerable newcomers as rejection, judgement, or inadequacy.

Way Ahead: First of all, there may indeed be gatekeeping and exclusion going on. But before internalizing someone’s cagey behavior as gatekeeping or purposely exclusionary, ask yourself if you have all the information. Many people are private (I include myself in this assessment) because life has regrettably taught them to be this way, and so they may insulate themselves to a small group of people who have earned their trust. Some people might also triggered by certain content (case in point: smut triggers my anxiety) so they don’t engage with it. Others might have something in their pasts that define how they handle certain subjects (for example, a person of color should not be tone policed for getting angry when confronted with a racialized microagression, however accidental it was). You just don’t know what you don’t know. 

The solution here is to regularly check your privilege and ask questions in a private space if you sense you’re being treated unfairly by someone. If you go public with your grievances in hopes of mobilizing the mob, you may accidentally find yourself stepping into the role of the aggressor instead of the victim.

3) Social Media is not built to help you get engagement. It’s built to help itself make money off of you.

Repeat after me: Hits/likes are not a measurable indicator of talent or worth. There are ridiculously talented folks on Tumblr and elsewhere who, for whatever reason, haven’t had their viral moment, and it’s not their fault. Loads of factors come into play where things like likes, reblogs, and comments are concerned, among them being posting frequency, subject matter, the time of day, the day of the week, the week of the month, the month of the year, the current administration, the stock exchange, the concentration of middle class users, who just won the Superbowl, a madman trying to steal an election and undermine the democratic process, a PANDEMIC, do you get where I’m going with this?? lol

At the end of the day, my humble successes have been helped along by good luck, good timing, high profile signal boosters, and an absurd amount of work. (This is why I try to signal boost new work whenever I get a chance over at @vkelleyshares.) 

So while you cannot control Tumblr’s interface, trends at large, or your fellow users, here’s what you can do to ensure you give your work the best possible chance of exposure.

Have an image ready to go with your post. Tumblr is a visual platform (no matter what it says about being good for text). Not good with images? Set up a Canva.com account and get access to free graphic software with a gazillion templates to create whatever attractive image you want to attach to your post.

Keep the outward facing text brief and easy on the eyes. Too long and eyes will glaze over. Put excess text behind a “read more.”

You may think you’re being cute when you do this, but don’t put yourself down in your posts. (Don’t put yourself down in general, of course.) Doing so acts as engagement repellant. If you don’t believe in your work, no one else will.

Related: Be your best cheerleader. Confidence is a magnet, and if you don’t have it, go ahead and fake it until you start to convince yourself you are worth the buzz. So promote yourself! You have gifts that only you can impart. Use that knowledge to fuel everything you do from your art/fiction writing to your outreach with other content creators, and by golly, if someone’s done it already, acknowledge that contribution and then tell the world that this is YOUR unique take on it.

Treat your fellow fandom creators as human beings, not art/fiction/content boosting machines. I cannot count how many times I’ve had folks slide into my DMs with offers of friendship only to disappear once they realize I’m not available to draw a picture for their fic. It hurts because it’s manipulative and it makes me want to hole up and not signal boost anyone. Creators who truly support each other will not give off a transactional vibe. I want to help you reach more people, but not if that’s all I’m good for in your eyes. 

The long and short of it: Lead with compassion, do your best with the opportunities at  your disposal, and remember that fandom belongs to everyone in it. ❤️

What saves a fandom made of sensitive and vulnerable souls from imploding when it goes through growing pains is radical compassion from those who can offer it. Begin with the assumption that your fellow fandomers are not trying to harm you, and wade into the water knowing that your insight into the lives of your peers is limited by default and you may need to temper your words or actions accordingly. If you’re a content creator, save compassion for yourself as well, as there are indeed challenges to gaining an audience, and lack of engagement does not mean you lack talent or skill. Be your best advocate, and if you have the bandwidth to lift up a fellow creator and make a new friend, please, go ahead do it! 

And finally, fandom belongs to everyone, and no one has a monopoly on characters, tropes, or themes. Create and consume what you love (with respect for your more vulnerable peers), and bask in the variety, my friends!

That’s all I’ve got in my head at the moment, although I’m sure there’s more I’m forgetting. Thanks so much to @penpanoply for letting me use her art for this and to everyone else, hang in there and try not to judge each other too harshly. These are unprecedented times, and most of us are doing our best in circumstances that are pushing us to our limits. 

As always, if you have questions or want to sound off on anything, shoot me a message or an ask, or ping me on Discord. It might take me a second to respond (thanks, Covid) but I’ll get to it! Love, love, and more love to all.

[tar-oh]

Pick a Pile: What You Need To Know

Well, this is my second time posting this because the first time was before I even got everything on the post. Apparently accidentally hitting enter means it will post it, which is something that took over a decade on tumblr for me to figure out lol. Sometimes tumblr’s formatting frustrates me to NO END!!! I’m going to keep this brief since it’s my second time trying to post this: This is a smaller PAP with 3 piles looking into what you need to know at the moment. I find these extremely helpful because not only do they bring to light things that might be overlooked otherwise, but they also help me get more into the groove of readings again.

I also need to post a small disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes. Not all of this is going to come true for everyone since it’s a general reading. Please take it with a grain of salt. If you do find that it resonates, I do readings starting at $6. DM if you’re interested. I also accept tips if you feel as though you want to (but they’re obviously not required). You can tip me here:  cashapp $sararms paypal: paypal.me/sararms So, for the 3 piles, I have 3 Sandra Bullock movie posters because why not?! Choose away:

Pile 1:

Cards: 7 of wands, the moon, 10 of wands, alter, rooted (reversed), intuition (reversed), conviction, seeing the best, divine timing, vitality, following your heart, self-love "You gonna cry about it or boss up?" "Look at the fuckin' moon!" "There are people who dislike you because you don't dislike yourself." I haven't even gotten to pile 3, but I keep wanting to call you pile 3, so I think maybe if you were torn between the two piles, I'd check that one out too because there might be something over there for you as well. This 7 of wands is interesting. She's sitting like she's meditating or something, and she's in a bubble. I think this is you, kind of doing your own thing, trying hard not to get distracted by external things. And, maybe you are being distracted really easily right now, and maybe the moon comes into this with you worrying that if you're distracted you're going to have more trouble (whatever that means for you), and it'll end up being the stress of having to carry all of those wands? But, this 10 of wands is always interesting to me too, because she's not carrying all of the wands. In fact, a few of them light the path up the hill. 3, to be exact, and if we subtract 3 from 10, it's 7. So we're back where we started, with that 7 of wands. I think there's a message in here telling you to find the balance between trying to do it all yourself and allowing yourself to drown in whatever "it all" is for you, but also, being able to tune "it all" out too? Like, she looks like she’s sitting in a snow globe in the 7 of wands. I know it's supposed to be a circle of protection, a defense system, but I see a snow globe here. And there's a wand, poking at it. So, it's like the outside world is trying desperately to get to you. And, maybe it's not even bad. Maybe it's you closing yourself off because there are all these fears so then you're trying to do things on your own, independently. But, I think the message in that, along with finding a balance, is that there are people who see you struggling and trying to tackle all this by yourself and they want to help. They want to help carry those remaining 7 wands, but you're so stubborn about it. There's a need to let some things go. Maybe, not taking too much on your plate right now. I got the deck Spiritual AF, and I wanted to try and pull only about 2 cards for these piles, but 3 came out for you. They're kind of interesting. One corresponds with the moon, because it literally says "Look at the fuckin' moon!!!", and I think that's saying literally look at the moon. Maybe you feel a connection to the moon or just other things in outer space? But I also think it's telling you to take a moment and sit in silence, kind of like the lady on the 7 of wands. A moment of taking in the good things, and surely the moon is a good thing? It illuminates the night sky. I just accidentally typed night school, lol so maybe some of you are taking night courses? Is that a thing anymore? Or maybe if you're in school you do a lot of your work at night? I personally do, so maybe there is a draw to the moon. Maybe you feel more energy under it? The other cards from the Spiritual AF deck are interesting too. One is, "You gonna cry about it or boss up? (Pro tip: Do both.)" I think this is kind of less advice and more what you're doing right now. I see that in the 10 of wands. I think you're working through your discomfort. That's not the word I was originally looking for, but I think for some of you it is discomfort. But, for all, I see it as you working through the challenges. I think the message in that, is again, you don't have to take it all on on your own. Also, that you don't need to bottle up that discomfort. There are people trying to get into your globe to help you. For a small bit of you, it's not people trying to get into your snow globe to help, instead I feel like it's people who are egging you on and maybe they're the reason behind you working so hard. Like, you're trying to prove to them something. The other card from the Spiritual AF deck was "There are people who dislike you because you don't dislike you." For those that have people who are trying to get to you instead of helping, I think this is just a message to 1) keep up the hard work but also 2) make sure you are balancing it, though. I think there's a fine line between working hard and overworking, and I think you're at that threshold. Some have already crossed it. I definitely get a tired feeling from the moon and the 10 of wands. But, because this particular 10 of wands doesn't look like it's as much as a struggle as other versions I've seen, I can see that it's like close to being that struggle. So, you need to be careful you don't get there. Take care of your mental health, please. With the witches oracle, two cards fell out reversed before I could fully ask the question. I hesitated to take them, but I don't often get reversals with this deck, so I felt that it was for you. And, to be honest, they make sense to me. Especially rooted reversed and alter. Alter talks about literally making an alter to talk to spirit, or, making a sacred space within yourself. I kind of think of it as a safe space, like when you meditate or when you're able to just sit in silence, or even just listening to music. Whatever it is you do to unwind when things get really stressful. And, if you don't have something like that, I think you need to figure something out. There's a wide variety of things you can do. For me, painting, journaling, yoga/pilates, or even just listening to my favorite music is how I help calm myself down. Sometimes even going on a walk. It doesn't have to just be sitting and breathing, it's gotta be what feels right for you, ya know? So, that being said, I think once you're able to find this safe space for yourself, you'll start to hear messages. Whether it's from outside of you, or within your own mind. Intuition being reversed tells me you're having issues following it right now. I think getting that safe space is going to help you start to hear your intuition, or at least follow it better. To stop doubting it. I understand how that can be hard, I personally need cold hard facts before I can follow my intuition. I find that when I don't follow it because I lack sufficient evidence for my mind to think it's worth following, my intuition always ends up being right in the end. So, I think you're being asked to stop doubting yourself and your intuition. But, then there's a few of you who are daydreaming or are up in your head too much. So much so, you're lacking action. Maybe this is in the form of procrastination, too. Which, hey we're all guilty of that once and a while. But I think this is a call for you to be more action-oriented than. The booklet for the witches oracle mentions that this message is especially true if rooted is pulled too, which, it was. However, it, too, was reversed. So, I don't think it's a message for all of you. I think it's for a few. For all, though, even those who are trying this already, you need to find a way to better ground yourself. I personally have a few carnelians that just holding helps me feel more connected to my body. But, other things too. I listen to water, like waves. I do it with homework. Specifically Lake Superior waves because it's a lake I've been to, so I feel more connected to it. But, it could be anything for you. Water noises like waves or waterfalls. Birds? Even traffic noises. There's a need to feel whole within your body (something I have issues with a lot, myself, so I'm right there with you), as well as feeling safe to? I think some affirmations might help, because once they stick in your head you start to believe them. Something like, "I am safe. I am grounded. I am whole." These are a few things. I think you should look into other things because these are just my own ideas and I think it's going to be different for all. I also got two of those Affirmations! decks, the normal one and the creativity one. I wanted to pull a couple creativity cards for you guys who are into creative stuff, but I think they can apply for all of you. These two cards are Conviction, and Seeing the Best. Seeing the Best talks about taking something you have made and seeing only the good qualities in it, even if you think it's absolute garbage. It's about being proud of what you've made, but also your accomplishments, no matter how big or small. I think if you've been feeling like you're almost overworked, this is something needing to be done. Like, sitting down and mapping out all that has been done by you so far. I think you'll find, once you've done this, that you've accomplished so much and that sometimes it's hard to see in the moment, but those accomplishments are still there, no matter what. Conviction talks about being as authentic as you can be. Being yourself and not watering that down for anyone. I think with seeing the best, it means that those little quirks you have that other people don't, are so good. They're yours, and yours alone, so why would you want to hide them? They make you you. So, if maybe part of this stress and having people dislike you for being you (which, hey if that's happening, fuck them!!! You let Sara know who it is so she can give them a talking to!!!!), I think you're meant to take what makes you stand out and shout it louder than you have been. As that card states, people are going to dislike you for being you, right? So, why would you give into that? I personally think the best revenge (and the card even says this) is to just keep being you. I hate having to conform and I hate being told what to do, so to me that is perfect revenge. The biggest Fuck You that you could possibly dish out. The regular Affirmation! cards are following your heart (!!! intuition!!! being you!!!), vitality, and divine timing. Not gonna lie, when divine timing fell out I had to groan. That paired with the moon made me think that this was my pile, lol. Like, I'm so sick of having to be patient, but this message is that you need to know that this work will pay off. That you following your heart and your intuition will not lead you somewhere you don't want to be. Rather, it will lead you to exactly where you want to be and where you're meant to be. I think there's something you're being prepared for, but the moon tells me it's not supposed to be known yet. With all those cards about getting grounded and following your intuition, I'd say you're being prepared for something. I can't tell you what, because, like I said. You're not meant to know yet. It's supposed to be a surprise! And, damn do I hate hearing that, so if you do too, don't worry. You're not alone. We're just not meant to know yet. But, with two wands cards and one being a 10, I'd say you're close to ending a cycle or are in the process of doing so. Even though the intuition reversed can talk about all thinking and no acting, I think that was where you needed to be prior to right now, and now, you're meant to act. That's going to be different for everyone, because this is still a super vague reading. It's pretty general and I'm sure many people can find something within this, but depending on what's going on in your life, you're being asked to act. I also think vitality is asking you to act too. It talks about being alive and being grateful for that. So, I think it's telling you, you're alive, so you might as well act. Which, again, I kind of hate that message too, but clearly I'm getting it for myself as well lol, so if you're in the same boat as me. Your wild offering card was self-love, and I definitely was getting that vibe overall from this pile. I mean, from being told to value who you are and not to water it down for anyone, to being told to find your safe space and ground yourself, I think it's just overall telling you that you need to be your #1 priority. This is going to mean different things for everyone, again. Like, first off, you all do need to ground yourself, or work on it more. But also, making sure you don't have too much to handle right now, and learning when to ask for help. Self-love isn't easy at all, and sometimes I find we're our worst enemy. But, those are the times when we need to love ourselves the most, right? So, I'm just here to remind you that you're a wonderful person and that you are whole and okay. Please take care of yourselves! I love you guys! Really, I truly do, and I want you to love you too! Also, side note, again, with that self-love card, I'm thinking you need to look at the moon, or the stars. Or just, the night sky. Hell, even the day-sky. Also, I'm noticing that there are more blues and greens in this spread than other colors. Or just, less color than there could be, especially warm colors like red. I think that's another sign that maybe carnelians are good for you, or anything red? Like, red, orange, yellow (bright yellow). Idk! Just a thought! Also, I'm meant to tell you that with the divine timing, you're being watched over. Whether that's by the universe or a higher power or your ancestors? The bottom deck card for the witches oracle was the ancestors card which talks about being watched over, bottom deck for wild offering was trust, and your bottom deck for the tarot was 3 of swords. So, for some of you (or all of you?) you're feeling a lot of pain/heartbreak over a situation right now. Or, in the recent past you were. I think these are just saying, "hey, we see your pain and brighter days and things are ahead", so again. Being prepared for something, but something good I think. Just remember to take care of yourself in the mean time! I didn’t write down as many songs as I normally do, so I’m only doing 1 for each pile and yours was House on Fire by Black Taxi. Not sure how it applies to you, but there might be something within the lyrics? Or you may like it! Who knows! I know it was part of my huge playlist of like 1800+ songs and so it wasn’t a song I’d heard in years, so I was surprised! Pile 2:

cards: the devil, temperance, 9 of pentacles, journey, wolf, good things to come, everyone's a teacher, vitality, bravery, trust "Sometimes crushing it means asking for help" "You are the product of what you believe." "Your gut knows what's up. Trust that bitch." Right away, with that devil card, I'm hearing "A wolf in sheep's clothing". So, either someone is lying to you about who they truly are, or you're lying to someone? Someone is lying here. And, I'm not sure if it's entirely too bad. I definitely see that with this devil card comes a lot of temptation. Like, this one is a hot guy just kind of holding his hand out saying "Here, take my hand.", but like with taking his hand comes maybe a less than ideal situation? Whoever this is, they have mesmerizing eyes, so if this is someone lying to you, that's a clue. Light colored eyes too, like a really light blue or gray, maybe even green? That's not going to be for all of you, but for someone out there...Watch out. Two major arcana...I'm getting some Sagittarius and Capricorn vibes, especially Capricorn with the devil and the 9 of pentacles. So, aside from that message about someone lying, I read this as someone trying to balance out their materialistic side? Like, maybe they have a lot of abundance right now and they're tempted to spend money they don't need to be spending on things they don't need? The 9 of pentacles talks about stability, like independent stability. It's often read as a person who's single. But, this card is reversed, so it could be about....Oh. Okay, for some this is about a relationship where there is shared finances. I'm seeing this as trying to balance it out, between saving and spending. Like, knowing when you can indulge and when you need to hold back. But, for some, it's also just someone in your life trying to control your finances. Like, I think you are fairly independent, especially with what you make financially, but there is someone who is mooching off of you, or maybe just controlling how you deal with your earned finances? With the temperance, I think it's you finding where to allow interference and where not to. For some, it's not about money at all, and about a relationship, whether its between you and someone who is really controlling. For some this could be an abusive situation, but for most I think it's just that one of you has a tendency to try and control things. Maybe it's like, you're the 9 of pentacles and maybe it's reversed for you because you bend easily? Like, maybe you're a people pleaser and so, its like this devil energy comes in and is easily able to control you. For some it's bad, like manipulative. For others, it's just not on purpose. Maybe they just have a personality that just kind of is louder than yours? For some this is you being tempted by this devil character. Like, it could be someone you're really attracted to, and so maybe it's learning how to tame the temptation/attraction? But, this 9 of pentacles suggests that maybe...I don't think you need to tame it? I think it's like, you do need to find a good balance (again, so much balance!), but that this temptation in moderation isn't a bad thing, in fact, it's a good thing? Like, I get that some of you are needing to loosen up (lmao, me too, though) so this devil comes over, lends a hand with that. Which. Oof. Okay, definitely getting a lot of sexual energy here. Like at first I was joking a little like, oh that devil is hot! But now I'm like. Ooo. Okay, like really hot. Like I get a lot of attraction here between you two and I haven't even pulled more cards lmao, so while for some this is about materialism and controlling it and what not, for most its about another person. This person is super sunny too. Like, originally I was going off of the "wolf in sheep's clothing" (which could very well still ring true) and like go off of more darker meanings of the devil, but I think for most this is just a case where there's this person who is just super devilishly charming? Like, have you ever met anyone like that? Because I've met a few and PHEW. It's always something. So, I think to add to that, I think they're just really sunny. Like, have you ever met anyone who an embodiment of the sun to you? Again, I've met a few and it's always something. So, to say this person is something is an understatement. There's so much green so far, too. So I'd say this person is going to bust open your heart. Make it melt a little. I'm really warm, so, make you sweat a little. The bottom of the tarot is the emperor, so !! Yes. This person is kind of the Real Deal. A sunny person who also has a super seductive quality to them. They may get to be a little controlling, I don't think they mean it though, so make sure your boundaries are strong. This person wears boots for some of you, or like, they have a pair they like to wear. Maybe hiking boots? For most I see timbalands lmao Also tattoos and darker hair colors. Longer hair too. Their skin is darker, or they tan well. Don't take this to heart, this could just be for a few of you. The most interesting thing has happened. I pulled the wolf card in the witches oracle deck, which is so funny because I got that saying, "a wolf in sheep's clothing" in my head. And, I think this might be that there are two groups of you. So, I'll try to be as clear as possible. The first is that this is someone who may come off one way, but is actually another. This person is good though. I don't think they meant to come off the first way, and it could very well be an assumption on your part. We all do that sometimes. The other group is dealing with someone who, again, is coming off one way but is another. This one is not so good. I don't get horrible vibes, though. I just get that they're not as good as the person the other group is dealing with. This person I think is a test in your believes and your self-worth. Well, I think they both are, but one is karmic and is here to teach you to love yourself and to put yourself first. The other (the “good” one), while they're here to teach you that, I think they're also here to learn it with you rather than just teach you. I also am thinking that you will know which group you’re in, even if it hasn't started for you yet? The wolf card in the witches oracle talks about trusting ones instinct. You got another card that literally tells you to follow your gut, so that part where I said you will know which group your apart of? Yeah. You will. If you don't and you're in a situation that may be similar to this, then maybe this isn't really your pile and maybe you're meant to come back to this at a later date? Oh. Ear is ringing, so yeah. If you're reading this and are unclear about what it is, either come back another day/time, or check out another pile for now. If you do know, then please stay lol. Another card that suggests, to me, that you know what's going on, is trust. It talks about trusting oneself and the process one is going through. Divine timing wanted to come out but, I put it back because it was a part of a chunk of cards, so I was like if it needed to work its way out, it would. And, it did in a way. This Trust card suggests it to me. So, if this is a connection and you're feeling impatient, you're meant to trust this process and try to be patient about it. Whether that is about getting away from this person (if you are part of the group where they’re not so great), or things moving forward with them (if they are “good”). Everyone's a Teacher talks about learning things from everyone you meet. This reinforces the idea to me that this this person was put into your life to teach you something, and I think one of those things is learning how to trust your intuition. Another is loving yourself and knowing you're enough. The "being enough" card says just that, that you are enough. "You are enough. Nowhere to go, nothing to get, nothing to change. No need to grow more deserving. You, yes you, are Love." So for the group of you that this person is teaching you about self worth in a more deceptive way, I think this message pertains to you more. I think you need to know that. Also, "you are a product of what you believe" is telling you this too. It even talks about how if you think you're a turd, you're going to think you're a turd. So, please don't think you're a turd!!! Gross!!! You are not gross!!! And if this person makes you think that, then kick em to the curb! You can do that and still learn this lesson! You're already enough, anyway. I know it says you don't need to grow or be more, but I think it's like. You're already whole as you are, right? It's just this is a lesson that is teaching you that you need to love yourself, and so you're growing while...being told you don't need to, so its a little confusing, but its good! Journey also confirms that these are lessons! I think with Bravery, it's talking about how you're going to get more confident with this self-love you're starting to feel (for the first time or again). I think it's also going hand in hand with Vitality, like you're feeling more confident to do new things? I got vitality for the last pile, and I read that more as them being grateful. I think you are going to be feeling more grateful soon, but I also think this time it's more that maybe you're lacking energy and maybe this person either is taking it away (the wolf version), or they're restoring it (the sunny, not a wolf version lol). But, overall, for all of you this situation is going to end with something good. Whether it's that they leave your life or they stay there and add to it, something good is coming. Good things to come tells me this and I think this is just a sign that there are good things coming, but you're not meant to know what they are quite yet -which was what I got for pile 1, so some of you may want to check that one out if you were torn between the two. I do also think that this pile is learning how to ask for help when needed (another message from pile 1!)? So, even if you know in your gut if this person is for you or not, I think it doesn't hurt to get other people's advice. I just wouldn't let their advice go straight to your head and become the end-all be-all. I would take it into consideration and if your gut is saying, "yes, that is right" then, yeah! Listen to them! But if not...? Just, keep it in mind but don't take it to heart. I think this card may apply more to some of you who are having issues with finances, like those who relate to the 9 of pentacles and the devil kind of working as you having issues with overspending (because I think while this devil is another person, I also see it as a whole situation too). So, if you need help with that, it doesn't hurt to ask. I just wouldn't ask this devil person if they're not who they say they are and you know it's not the best thing for you. Gosh, I hope this is helpful and that it makes sense? I think there is a lot going on for this group, but it mostly is a situation with someone else. I want everyone to be safe, remember to keep boundaries. Follow your gut, but be safe in the process. And, remember, no matter what comes from this, you are enough! A song that got stuck in my head while doing this pile was Selfless by The Strokes. It’s a song I don’t listen to often, though I’d say it is one of my favorites by them, so it felt significant for you! Pile 3:

cards: 9 of pentacles, 8 of swords, judgement, self-sufficiency, power, get centered, beauty, forgiveness, showing up, unicorn voice, all hallows eve, banshee "Maybe you just need to shake your booty?" "Grab your own booty." "Go outside and do shit" I think some of you who picked this pile are worried you're not doing things right. Or that you're not on the right path, but you definitely are. Judgement is here to tell me that. It also tells me that there are some things that might show up from your past (like lessons) that need to be revisited, but again, this is all on your path, okay? 9 of pentacles tells me that some of you are already stable within yourself, whereas others of you are almost there. Like, literally just an arms reach away - like in the card how she’s reaching. The 8 of swords tells me you are a very logical person. I think you're in your head a lot and I think you have the tendency to overthink. This could be why you're wondering if you're on the right path, but again: you are! Again, I said that some of you are already stable within yourself, or are an arms reach away from this. By this, I mean independent. Self-sufficient. And right after I said that, the Self-sufficiency card came out for you! For some, this is a reminder that you are whole (a theme throughout all 3 piles today). For others, this is a reminder that this is where you're headed, and not to worry (another theme!!). You will get there in your own time. This card talks about relying on God, and I personally am not super religious. I consider myself somewhat spiritual, but not religious, so I'm not reading it this way. However, if this is how you want to read it, it still applies! I just think, over all, this is telling you that you're strong and reliable and when you rely on yourself, it's okay because again, you're reliable. I don't think it means to only rely on yourself, but I think it means to make sure you do when you need to. Like, you're capable of taking care of yourself and others. So, judgement and banshee paired together seem pretty powerful to me. I hate that I pull banshee for one pile every time I pull out these cards, but clearly I need to tell you this as a warning. For some this is about not allowing yourself to overthink things. That's a dangerous cycle to get stuck in. However, while it's a warning, I also see it to mean that this is a cycle that is coming to a close because it talks about endings and new beginnings. "Go outside and do shit" is just telling me that this is maybe one way for you to end this cycle. Like, to get grounded (get centered was one of your cards!), and sometimes the best way is to go outside (if it's possible where you live, it’s only just warming up here), if not just do something related to nature. Or, anything that you know/think will ground you. I think this will get you out of that 8 of swords energy, or help relieve it. Forgiveness, also, is something to think about. Banshee wanted to come out reversed, but it did so sideways, so its only for a handful of you. That handful of you are angry, and I do wonder if this independent energy you're in is your form of revenge? Either way, it's a warning to make sure you're not being vengeful. I think with power, and forgiveness, it's telling you that you're really powerful as a person and this can hurt people when used wrongly. You're being asked to forgive those who did you wrong, and to forgive yourself in the process as well. I do want to say, however, that forgiving someone does not give them the right to be in your life, however. If this is someone who you let go of because their actions/words were harmful to you, don’t just accept them back in because you forgive them. That being said, you're being asked to see your power. See that you have everything you need within you. Two of the Spiritual AF cards talk about butts, so I think you probably have a great ass so, ya know, feel good about that. But in general, I think you're a really good looking group. I mean, those paired with beauty!? And 9 of pentacles!? You're probably really beautiful! I mean, we all are, but I bet you're like STUNNING. And that independent energy, I think, is actually really drawing people in. I think this is telling you to stay true to yourself and your beliefs, and not to let anyone change you. And if this is something that happened to you in the past, forgive and let go. All Hallow's Eve, unicorn voice, beauty, power and showing up (even "grab your own butt. Love yourself") are all about self-love and loving yourself for who you are. There is a strong self-love theme throughout all the piles, but this one had the strongest. I think you're well on your way to getting there (for some, you already have a healthy dose of it), but it doesn't mean that you're not always feeling it. So, I think this is just a reminder that you're The Shit and that you're powerful and perfect just the way you are. And, I think if you're having issues seeing things this way, or having issues letting go of control (like, maybe a workaholic, I could see that for some of you), I think you're in need of shaking your ass like the "maybe you just need to shake your booty?" card suggests. It says that if you can stop taking yourself so seriously, then things can lighten up, so for some of you, you are being told to lighten up but to also remember you're the shit too. Also, a side note to say that showing up is also a card that talks about being present, but also being able to "show up" for yourself, even if that means giving yourself a few minutes to work on a project/hobby a day. Or just doing something you love. You're showing up for yourself that way, and it's important to remember that. Especially for my workaholics (I'm definitely included in that message lol). If you were drawn to any of the other piles, but this one won over the others, I really need to let you know that there are messages in the other two for you if you felt drawn to the others. I mean, even if you weren't there may be messages within them for you, but this is especially for those drawn to more than one pile. I think that this is a standalone that could go with either of the other piles to be honest. This one I think was the shortest of the 3, but it was a pretty quick one because everything tied in so nicely. So, remember, love yourself because you're the shit and that you're on the right path right now. You're self-sufficient and badass and even though you may need to keep yourself in check (please forgive and let go if at all possible!), you're still the shit! For a song for you, I got Okay by Chase Atlantic, and in my notes there’s just a “???” next to it because I’m not sure why this felt significant, but I had to write down that it came on while reading for you. Maybe you’re a Chase Atlantic fan or something, but that’s your pile’s song!

[gallickingun]

ding, dong, the witch is dead!

honestly, who didn’t see this coming? lol. but, anyway. i guess this is goodbye! i’ll ramble more below the cut, but just know that over the next couple of days, i’ll be exporting my blog so i can keep what i want, and then this will be the only post left here.

thank you to everyone who i’ve had the privilege of meeting, and those of you who have been so kind as to leave lovely notes on my works, and interact with me over our silly anime crushes. i really appreciate all the kindness i’ve been shown in the anime fandom. some of my best friends i’ve met through this stupid app, but overall, it’s just not a healthy space for me. i’m not blaming anyone else for what this has become, at the end of the day, i created a hell for myself. i’m just tired of trying to rebuild, rebrand, whatever. i’m just tired.

that being said, obviously not everything can always be so lovely. i don’t care about the discourse or the drama or the whatever, but i’m just hoping this post will bring me some closure, and maybe some for those i’ve hurt, whether accidentally or intentionally. if you click read more and you’re upset with what you see, well, idk what to tell you, friend.

i hate that tumblr can be so insignificant, and yet so all encompassing all at once. yes, it’s “just tumblr” and “it’s not that deep” because at the end of the day, it’s just an app. but, unfortunately, behind this app and these blogs are human beings. which means you create real bonds and real friendships, and real feelings get hurt.

i came back to tumblr during a really sad, dark time in my life. and that was honestly my first mistake. i latched on to whoever would pay attention to me, craving some sort of friendship that i never needed before because i always had someone in real life. but i had just moved away from my family, and was starting the process of what would end up being a notsogreat divorce. i felt alone, and was struggling a lot with my self worth, so instead of choosing to be kind, i chose to lash out. regardless of whether or not that was in private dm’s of those whom, at the time, i’d considered friends, it was still inconsiderate and childish of me. i thought i had to be some hateful version of myself in order to prove to other people that i wasn’t as sad about myself as i truly was. the words i said in private were rude, nasty, and just... not who i want to be? and, without going into immense detail, some of those things i wanted to move on from and no longer felt, were then used as weapons and spread around to others who i never intended to see what i’d said.

please, please, PLEASE — be careful what you say. you really never know who is watching, who is going to manipulate you, etc. what you say holds weight, and even if you don’t intend for it to hurt anyone, even if it’s just venting.. i dunno. just, be careful, okay? check yourself from time to time, friend. make sure that you’re not allowing the overall negativity of the world, of your own mind, of others, to affect you to the point that you don’t recognize yourself.

if you don’t know about my lovely little exposed blog, well, you’d probably be the last to know. at least, it feels that way. although in the beginning maybe it was justified? in some right? i’m not sure anymore, really, but regardless—it turned into some sort of stalking experience. at one point in time, i received 35+ messages telling me how horrible i was, telling me to off myself, telling me that my ex did the right thing by leaving me “on the curb”, etc. my full legal name was being released, with the intent to doxx me i’m assuming? i was being told i was “being watched”, which i fully believe was happening, with the consistency of the updates. people who claim to hate me, still followed me with the intent of watching my every move to “see if i’d changed”. i only have received updates through friends, because to be perfectly honest with you, seeing your worst mistakes splayed on the internet and turning you into some shounen villain is NOT the best thing for your mental health. that, and some of the “truths” were half-honesties twisted because i’d be a hypocrite to post private dm’s debunking these things when i was upset with the very same people for posting such things. i’ve addressed some things, such as the racism, so i won’t go into that again, but some of these other instances are stretches, to say the least.

the irony of the whole thing is not lost on me. the very same people who say i only do things for notes/recognition, are doing those very things. those who say i only care about tumblr, are proving that by running a blog dedicated to exposing some twenty three year old idiot on the internet. those who say i use my friends are the same ones who literally lied to my face so they could collect receipts behind my back and then leave me when it got convenient. those who say i talk to “insignificant” blogs to appear invested are the ones calling those blogs insignificant, i never once believed anyone i’ve interacted with was insignificant, contrary to popular belief. everything they focus on ends up being nothing but hypocrisy in the end.

that being said, obviously i truly hurt whoever all is behind this blog. intentionally, or otherwise. and i know that sometimes what you do/say isn’t meant to hurt anyone, however, you don’t get to control how what you’ve done effects others. all you can do is apologize. but, i know a few of them, because based on the “receipts” they’ve pulled together, the stories are too specific to be anything but those people i’m thinking of. i don’t enjoy blanket apologies, but i’m leaving this hellsite, so it’s all i’ve got left.

i’m sorry for giving you the fuel to your fire for this petty agenda, i’m sorry for creating the monster of myself that allowed you to string along this storyline for what seems to be the better part of a year. i’m sorry that i gave you material to fixate upon, rather than providing you with friendship and something better to focus on. i truly hope you can move on now that i’m gone from tumblr, and honestly i don’t plan on coming back, lol. i genuinely, truly, deeply feel sorry for you, and pray that you can turn this obsessive focus from me to something more productive, something healthier.

the angry part of me wants everyone to realize that the start of this, the matchups/refunds situation, was born from this stalkerish behavior. it has taken me months to put the pieces together, because i truly didn’t think someone who i’d called my friend once would ever string together such a lie, or rather an exaggerated, adulterated truth, but i guess it’s what happened, in the end.

there are a lot of, uh, conveniently timed “releases” of receipts even though they were months after the initial occurrence of the offense. i can’t go into each one, because, frankly, there are too many. i just hope that in the wake of all of these horrible exposes of things i’ve done, others are able to reflect on their actions. telling me one thing while currently speaking to another individual and telling them another, blatantly LYING, etc. are all things that i’ve been accused of, and yet they’ve also been done to me. doesn’t justify what i’ve done, nor am i seeking some sort of absolution, however i just hope that these individuals can see their hypocrisy and move forward.

which leads me to my final point — regardless of how shitty someone is, disallowing them the room to grow, stunting their moral/mental growth, is truly the issue. i am not going to sit here and play holier than thou. i know i fucked up. i was a nasty bitch because i was angry at the world, and then that anger was fueled further by consistent situations where i made the wrong friends at the wrong times in my life. but the fact that this exposed nonsense has been dragging on since... july? august? i’m not really sure, but whatever. since it’s been going on, i have been battling with myself and my ability to do the things i love, talk to those i care about, etc. all because i’m afraid of saying the wrong thing, hurting the wrong person, etc. and in trying to avoid it, i’ve been doing the very same thing i hoped to keep from doing.

i never felt like i could apologize to those i wanted to apologize to because it might be received as disingenuous due to the nature of the exposed blog’s very existence “forcing” me to apologize. don’t get me wrong, some of those who the blog tried to coerce me into apologizing to can suck a dick, because there are people that i truly do not feel deserve my apologies, and therefore, will never get them. but, i do feel bad for those i didn’t get the chance to apologize to that i really wanted to. the last thing i’d want is for my apology to be turned into something it’s not, but hopefully everyone who has been affected by my actions can move on with my absence.

and to those of you who feel the need to make public denounces of my name, i hope it provides you the closure you’ve been seeking. truly, i do. but know that i never did anything i’ve ever done with the intent to get ahead or buy someone’s friendship or take advantage of anyone else. if i truly only cared about the things people say i cared about, i would have never made this blog in the first place. i would have leeched off the popularity of my main blog if popularity was all i cared about. i was searching for a home, which, in the end, i burned down myself. me, joking around about follower count and notes, was literally nothing but sarcastic banter that’s been taken out of context. but, i digress.

i am very thankful for those who i can still call my friends, who are willing and ready to have honest discussions with me about the things i’ve said/done and analyze them and help me move forward. therapy, medication, life choices, etc. all have been rolled into me deciding that i’m done letting a silly little app stunt my growth. if the internet was unplugged tomorrow, i know who i’d have and what would matter. i have REAL LIFE to focus on. i am in love and i have beautiful friendships that i want to foster with honesty and kindness. i can only hope that you all have the opportunity to have those very same things.

will i stop writing? nah, dude. no way. i’m just getting started. in my absence, in choosing to stay away from a place that makes me sick to my stomach with anxiety, i’ve delved into my original characters and i’ve written thousands of words that i haven’t felt the pressure to post about. i’ve learned that just because i’m doing something i love, i don’t have to do it for anyone else.

the internet is a funky place, folks. just be careful who your friends are, okay?

anyway. peace out, girl scouts. i wish you all the best 💖

[ramen-rambles]

Quid Pro Quo

Pairing: Kirishima Eijirou x Reader

Warnings: 18+, mutual masturbation, suggestive texts 

Word Count: 2.7K

Summary: From being a total stranger you met on a dead Discord server, to literally becoming one of your best friends — Kirishima was one of the most amazing things to ever happen in your life. But what happens when you accidentally screenshot his nudes?!

A/N: My first BNHarem server collab! I was really close to naming this fic Penis Pals, if I’m being honest LOL It’s a lot shorter than I wanted but I hope I did my baby justice. Thank you to my fellow Bakugou Fanclub members for hyping me up and helping me edit this piece. I literally couldn’t have done it without you guys, ILYSM! Read all the other amazing fics in this collab, here.

Taglist: @lady-bakuhoe @bratwritings @redbeanteax

♡ ⌒*ﾟ.❉・゜・。. ♡ ⌒*ﾟ.❉・゜・。. ♡ ⌒*ﾟ.❉・゜・。.

Ever since you were in high school, you had always looked up to Crimson Riot — a pro hero who’s strong, manly, and fearless. I mean, who wouldn’t like him? Now that you were in college, there have been many other heroes worthy of being called the best, but Crimson Riot was still going to be Number 1 in your eyes. So, to pay homage to your all time favorite hero, you decided to join a Crimson Riot Discord server. 

You had started looking for any server invites through all platforms of social media. Google, Twitter, Tumblr, but nothing came up. You had started to lose hope, until you stumbled upon a very old server link on an equally old Reddit thread. You looked at the date it was posted and it seemed to have been made all the way back when you were in high school. You clicked on the link hesitantly, definitely not expecting it to work. However, much to your surprise, the link brought you straight to the server! 

“Finally! Something that actually fucking worked!” You thought to yourself, after hours of scrolling though numerous pages of the internet. 

You were a bit hesitant at first, not really knowing what to expect. Were people going to think you were weird for being such a nerd? What if people thought you were annoying? Or worse, what if no one liked you? 

But that didn’t seem to be much of a problem… Considering that the server was rather dead. 

You clicked through the channels — #general, #merch, #photos, #announcements; the last time anyone really said anything was nearly six months ago. “God dammit.” You should have known. All you wanted was a place to fangirl over Crimson Riot, was that too much to ask for?! You got all your hopes up, just for it to all come crashing down. Feeling a bit dejected, it seemed like you had no choice but to leave the server. Not like there was much of a point in staying anyways. 

But then you saw a notification pop up on your screen.

RED RIOT [Today at 7:56 PM] 

@Y/N Hey! How are you doing? I’m the admin for this Crimson Riot Discord. The name’s Kirishima. It’s nice to see a fresh face here :^) 

Y/N [Today at 7:56 PM] 

Oh hi! I’m doing good! I found your discord link on a really old Reddit thread so forgive me for asking but… Is this server still active? I was scrolling through the channels and everything seemed kind of dead tbh LOL

RED RIOT [Today at 7:57 PM]

Well, if I’m being honest, it’s fucking dead LMAO 

Y/N [Today at 7:57 PM]

F

RED RIOT [Today at 7:58 PM]

It used to be pretty active before but people just kind of... stopped. I made this server back when I was in high school because I just LOVED Crimson Riot so much, ya know? He was the one person I really looked up to. Anyways, how did you even find this link? You must have looked real hard LOL

Y/N [Today at 7:58 PM]

HAHA I did, actually! Took me for-fucking-ever to find a server link that actually worked :( I’ve looked up to him since I was a kid too and so I really just wanted a place to express my gratitude for the role he played in my life. Sorry LOL I’m getting cheesy 

RED RIOT [Today at 7:59 PM]

Well Y/N, I’m glad you found this server! You sound like a really great person and I’d love nothing more than to talk to you about our shared love for Crimson Riot, but this server is whack as fuck. Are you down to move to DMs instead?

Y/N [Today at 8:01 PM]

Fuck it. Why not? 

You and Kirishima had been talking for a while now. Ever since you came across his Crimson Riot server, you two would talk almost every single day. You learned that he actually lived near you too. Call it fate. Exchanging phone numbers, following each other on social media, starting Snapchat streaks, meeting up with each other — the chemistry between you two made it seem like you’ve known each other your entire lives. The both of you had practically become best friends. 

To you, maybe it felt a little bit more than just friends. 

Currently, you were mindlessly scrolling through your Twitter feed when you saw that you had received a Snapchat notification, from, you guessed it. Kirishima. You were expecting it to just be a bland streak of his room or something but you saw something that made your fucking jaw drop.

A picture of Kirishima in a tight fitting tank top and a very noticeable bulge that was covered by a pair of dark grey sweatpants. 

You felt your cheeks heat up, a red blush painting across your entire face. In a state of panic, you fumbled the phone in your hands and in the process you had heard a very audible click. You fucking screenshotted his snap.

Fuck. 

You quickly went into your messages and texted him to try and explain yourself. 

[Y/N]

WAIT SHIT. KIRISHIMA. I DIDN’T MEAN TO SCREENSHOT THAT. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. I SWEAR 

Replying almost immediately, you anxiously waited for what Kirishima had to say about your little mishap. You were seriously hoping that he was just going to let it go and you could both just act like nothing happened.

[Kirishima] 

Wow, I didn’t think you’d be the type to screenshot people’s snaps like that, Y/N :( 

[Y/N]

YOU DIPSHIT. I SAID IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. AND WHY ARE YOU SENDING ME SHIT LIKE THAT HUH?!

[Kirishima]

You telling me you didn’t like what you saw? 

[Y/N]

Okay, fine, you looked good, SUE ME. Is that what you wanted to hear?

[Kirishima] 

It’s only fair you send me one back, don’t you think?

You stared at your phone. What the actual fuck. Was Kirishima asking you to send him a fucking nude? You knew it shouldn’t have, but the thought of Kirishima wanting to see your body turned you on. A small shiver running down your spine at the possibility that he liked you in return. 

[Y/N]

Excuse me, sir. I am NOT sending you a nude. 

[Kirishima]

I didn’t ask for a nude, all I said was that you return the favor. Quid pro quo, ya know? 

[Y/N]

Using big words like ‘quid pro quo’, smh. Since when did you become such a politician? 

[Kirishima]

But, if you want to send a nude, who am I to say no? ;)

[Y/N]

Fucking fine. If I show you one, will you shut up?

[Kirishima]

Depends.

[Y/N]

On what, exactly?

[Kirishima] 

On how good it is

Your eyes narrowed at his response. What does he even mean by that, ‘how good it is’? He should be grateful that you even considered sending him one! Based on your replies, it seemed like you were pissed, but in reality, your heart beat faster with every passing minute. You were never the type of girl to send nudes to anyone, but for Kirishima, you were willing to make a small exception. 

You got up from your bed and rummaged through your closet, looking for something that was a bit more provocative. You picked out a red lace bodysuit that hugged your curves and cupped your perky breasts. Sitting in front of your mirror, you touched up your makeup and fixed your hair, checking yourself out one last time before you started taking pictures. You opened up Snapchat and tried multiple poses, making sure the camera captured your sultriness and how good your tits looked. To mock his teasing from earlier you captioned the photo, “Quid pro quo, my ass.” before hitting the ‘send’ button. 

[Y/N] 

Was that good enough for you? 

You heard no response from him for a good five minutes. You started worrying. “Shit. Was that too much? Did I push it too far?” You chewed on the inside of your lip, anxiously waiting for any sort of reaction. 

And then, your screen lit up again. Another Snapchat notification from Kirishima. But this time, it was way more revealing. He had sent you a picture of him palming his erection, and all it said was, “You’re not even here, and look what you did to me :(“ 

Feeling cocky and with a sudden burst of confidence, you cheekily replied, “Why don’t you come here then?” 

In all honesty, Kirishima didn’t live that far from you. You two were only 15 minutes away from each other, meaning that he frequented your apartment whenever he felt like it. He came over a million times in the past, but this time was different. Very different, in fact. Anticipation was building at the pit of your stomach, but so was a familiar heat that began pooling in the middle of your underwear. 

You tried denying your feelings for Kirishima but you couldn’t help it! Everything about him was perfect. His personality, his humor, his voice, his face, his body… You could go on and on about all the things you loved about Kirishima. 

You would have been lying to yourself if you said that you’ve never thought about him with your hands in between your thighs. Thinking about his massive cock fucking your tight pussy, his fingers rubbing your clit in all the right places, or the way his tongue would feel sucking on your hardened nipples. 

You’d always wonder if he ever felt the same way but he didn’t really seem like he was. 

That was, until tonight. 

You stared at the clock on your wall and saw that 10 minutes had passed, a loud knock on your door making you wake up from the dream like trance you seemed to be trapped in. You quickly turned the doorknob, letting Kirishima inside of your apartment. 

Without saying a word, he pushed your back against the wall and began to roughly grab the side of your face. He captured your lips with his, meeting his kiss with the same aggressiveness, making your head spin at how good it felt to finally get a taste of him.

“Do you know how long I’ve waited for us to do this?” He panted, moving down to place sloppy kisses against the crook of your neck, leaving sharp bite marks and dark bruises littered all over your pretty skin.  

“Haaaa, that should be my line” you moaned, “You know how many times I’ve touched myself to the thought of you?” You whispered teasingly, biting the soft flesh of his earlobes. “How many times I wished it was your fingers inside of me instead?” You trailed your fingers down to his, intertwining them with one another before you dragged him into your bedroom. 

You pushed him down onto the mattress, gently getting on top of him and straddling his waist. Grabbing his hands, you placed them on top of your tits, giving them a rough squeeze before you began grinding your wet heat against his clothed cock. 

”Fuck, Y/N, are you sure?” He groaned, “As much as I want this, I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with —“ 

“Eiji, shut up. If I didn’t want this, would I be this wet for you?” You slipped your panties off to the side, two of your fingers dipping into your cunt, showing off the slick that stringed in between your digits. “Here, see for yourself.” You brought your coated fingers up to his mouth, making him suck it until not a drop was left. 

“Shit, you taste so fucking good,” He smirked, “Why don’t you show me how you touch yourself, princess?” 

You slowly made your way off of him, leaning back to position your body against the plush sheets. Slowly spreading your legs, you made sure he got a good view, your pussy practically dripping from how aroused you had become. You snaked your hands down back against your thighs, fingers finding its way onto your throbbing clit. Kirishima was sitting in front of you, all of his clothes still on.

That didn’t seem very fair, now did it? 

“Stroke your cock for me, Eijirou. Quid pro quo, right?” You said wickedly. You stood up quickly to remove the rest of your lingerie, Eijirou’s eyes glued to your body, watching your every move as you moved your hands back to their previous position. 

Kirishima let out a small laugh before he finally stripped himself of his clothing, pulling down his boxers to reveal his impressive length that was already oozing precum. “Is this what you wanted to see?” You nodded desperately. 

“You wanted to see me jerk off while I watch you touch that pretty pussy of yours?” Kirishima began moving his hand against his girth, gathering spit in his mouth before letting it drip onto the head. Lubricating his cock with a mix of precum and spit, he slowly started moving up and down his length. Matching your rhythm, as he watched intensely at the fingers that were still stuffed inside of your cunt. 

Soft moans started escaping your plush lips, the collective sound of small whines, and frantic gasps beginning to fill the room. “Fuck, Eiji. You look so hot stroking your cock like that. Do you imagine that it was my pussy, instead?” You say, panting intensely. 

“Fuuuuck. I’m gonna pound your tight little cunt so hard that you’re not going to be able to walk for days.” He sped up his pace, you quickly following suit. Your fingers pumping vigorously, you continued to rub tight circles over your sensitive clit. 

You were getting closer and closer to the orgasm you craved so much, and the look that Kirishima had on his face indicated that he was too. Your cunt clenched tightly around your digits while Kirishima’s fist held a vice grip on his cock. You had been waiting for this moment for so long, the intensity of your orgasm was surely going to rip through you like a plundering tidal wave.

 “A-ah, Eijirou! I’m so fucking close for you.” Your eyes squeezed shut as you felt yourself cum all over your fingers, your arousal gushing onto the bed sheets and covering the inside of your thighs. 

Kirishima quickened his strokes, the sight of your pleasure the catalyst for his own release as he continued to jack hammer his cock at an animalistic pace. “Please, baby, cum for me, I wanna see you cum all over yourself.” You whined, watching closely as you patiently waited for him to reach his end. Your filthy words were the last push he needed. 

“F-fuck Y/N! I love you so fucking much” he groaned loudly. A few more pumps, and ropes of his cum started painting his chest white, covering his sweaty body, as the remnants of both your orgasms stained the bed. 

You both looked at each other with half lidded eyes, still trying to come down from your intense highs. Breathing heavily, you looked at him greedily and whispered, “You know, I’ve always wondered how good it would feel to fuck myself on your cock.” 

“Well, I did say that I’d pound your cunt so hard you wouldn’t be able to walk for days...” Kirishima cooed as he ran his fingers along your exposed thigh,

“I’d be more than happy to show you, Princess.” 

♡ ⌒*ﾟ.❉・゜・。. ♡ ⌒*ﾟ.❉・゜・。. ♡ ⌒*ﾟ.❉・゜・。.

[neptunetheplanet7]

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 - 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 & 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

DM ME IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE PUT ON THE TAGLIST!!

;mikasa ackerman x fem!lesbian!reader

;modern au, band au

word count: 2.1k

warnings: swearing, slight angst in the beginning but not really, fluff

i owe you guys an apology. i’m not very active on tumblr as of posting. i’m sorry about that. school has been hard on me and i’ve been very stressed. i’ll try to do better in the future :)

listen to the music masterlist

prev | next

Armin was discharged from the hospital only a day after the accident. The doctor said there was nothing extraordinary to worry about. But of course, even with this information, Eren still made a fuss. That much was clear when he walked through the door with Armin's arm slung over his shoulder.

"I didn't break my leg, Eren. I don't need to use you as a crutch," Armin grumbled as the two walked into the kitchen from the garage. He reached back to shut the door with his free hand.

Eren rolled his eyes. "Well, excuse me for supporting you in these trying times."

"I don't need your support," they scoffed. He unwrapped his arm and made his way across the room.

Eren gave him the finger, rather aggressively. The gesture wasn't reciprocated since the blond already disappeared into the hallway.

Sucking on a freeze pop, you leaned back against the cool countertop. "Welcome home, lovely. Have fun?"

Eren sighed loudly as he walked toward the freezer and got a popsicle for himself. He grabbed a pair of scissors and cut the top of the wrapper off into the trash.

He said sarcastically, "Oh, absolutely I did." He paused and shook his head disapprovingly. "He's a lot bitchier when it's us two. How's it been here?"

You shrugged. "So, so. Pretty quiet."

He nodded and pushed up the pineapple-flavored ice. "Thought so. Jean's gone today, obviously. Is Mikasa here?"

You huffed softly at the mention of her. "I haven't seen her since breakfast. She's been upstairs all day."

He frowned. "Oh, I see. Armin told me about the kiss, by the way. At first, I was gonna make fun of you for passing out but now that just seems cruel."

"You think?" You laughed lightly and rested both arms on the counter.

The sound that followed from him was more of an exhale than a laugh. "Listen, Y/n, even if she's avoiding you right now, I know she'll come around. Just wait and see."

"You're right," you mumbled, sticking the freeze pop in your mouth again. Armin basically said the same thing. Eren sent you a quick smile and patted your shoulder before leaving through the hallway.

You swallowed the remaining ice and threw away the wrapper. Noticing the bin was full, you took the trash to the bigger bin outside. Maybe doing some chores would distract you from Mikasa for a while.

Plus, today was the only day that allowed you to do so. Practices for the band's upcoming performance were every day until the date of it. You'd be rehearsing 24/7 since it was scheduled on such short notice.

It was going to be at a middle school some of your friends went to. The DJ they booked before flaked and your manager was kind enough to offer your talents.

Jean was meeting with Hannes and the school administrators to work out some extra kinks before the practices began.

The only day there wasn't a rehearsal was on Eren's birthday. You all decided it'd be best to take the day off to celebrate and set up for the party that would be happening later in the night.

The day passed easily as you got caught up on chores that weren't done over the past few days. The house was messier than you liked it although it hadn't been long at all since the previous clean-through. However, it had been a hectic week.

Speaking of hectic, when Zeke was there, he sure made himself at home. That much was clear when you made it to the living room portion of the basement.

Eren probably couldn't find time to clean up yet. Either that or he was just lazy because at that moment he was more focused on a pinball machine than the state of his living space.

His brother's suitcases were lying open by the couch. To be honest, you didn't love the idea of a criminal's possessions lying around your home. So, you decided that throwing them in a storage closet was the best option. 

When you finished tidying up, you started a game on the pinball machine next to Eren's.

His birthday was in three days. The house looked a lot better than it did when you started, which was perfect for throwing a party. You could only hope it would stay that way.

After a few hours of playing games with him, Jean came down the stairs to let you know he was back from the school. He left when he saw neither of you were interested in what he had to say.

Once it got dark outside, you left Eren to his own devices and went to your own room to chill out some more.

Unfortunately, when you flopped down on your bed, Mikasa started to consume your thoughts again. In an effort to fight them, you turned on a show to distract yourself.

For the slow hours you spent staring at the screen, you couldn't focus, not once. No matter how hard you trained your eyes on the screen, you still thought about her.

Sighing, you got out of bed and walked to your bedroom door. You were careful of the creaking hinges, it was around midnight. Everyone would either be asleep or close to sleeping.

Except for Armin. You had no idea what he did at night but you knew better than to ask. However, he was probably pretty tired from the time spent at the hospital. So, there was a solid chance he actually was asleep.

You crept outside, checking that the front door didn't make too much noise. Your car was parked in the driveway since there was never room in the garage. The gravel underneath your feet made noise as you walked toward it. You pushed yourself onto the hood and leaned back against the windshield.

Drawing in a long breath, you stared up at the sky. You needed to calm down and clear your mind. This would help, as it usually did.

Even if it was a little chilly, it was warm for a night in March, especially this late.

The stress that bubbled inside you simmered down the longer you watched the thin clouds dim the stars.

Any negative thoughts you had about the situation with Mikasa or the previous days seemed to disappear the longer your focus was on the sky.

Gravel crunched and you snapped your gaze toward the noise. Sitting up, you were surprised by what you saw.

Mikasa froze when she realized she'd been caught. She held a white blanket in her arms and still had one foot on the porch steps.

"Hi," she greeted quietly.

"Hey." Your breaths were a tad ragged from the initial scare.

She came closer to the car. "What are you doing out here so late?"

"I could ask you the same thing." You took the blanket from her arms and she pushed herself up to sit beside you.

"The door to your room was open when I came downstairs for a drink. I thought you'd be out here."

"Oh." She knew you better than you thought.

She spread the blanket over both of your laps and leaned down on the hood of the car.

She looked at the sky but your eyes were still on her. "Why did you come out here?"

After a moment of silence, her gaze finally shifted to you. "I wanted to apologize. Ignoring you was immature. Plus, I remember how you used to come out here when you were upset. Above all else, I wanted to make sure you were alright." A blush coated her cheeks when she finished talking.

You took note of that and couldn't help but blush yourself. "I'm okay. I understand why you'd ignore me, though. If you didn't want it, that was probably your only option since we have to see each other so much."

Her brows furrowed and she sat up again. "What? Y/n, did you think I didn't want to kiss you?"

You blinked stupidly. "Well, yeah."

She laughed. "You can be so ridiculous sometimes. I've always wanted to kiss you like that. I'm just not great at expressing it."

Even more heat rushed to your face. You gawked at her and she looked down at her feet. Many things were running wild in your head. For some reason, though, there was one thing that was so prominent in your mind once you remembered it.

Out of all the questions you could have asked, this one came out rather bluntly. "What did you mean in your letter? What should I know?"

Her eyes widened, she didn't expect you to ask about that yet, and quite frankly, neither did you. Nonetheless, she answered anyway. "If only you knew. That's what I wrote. That's easy to answer now. If only you knew how long I've loved you."

She turned her face and made direct eye contact with you. She seemed to know the next question on your mind. "You never knew it but I've been in love with you since high school."

That can't be right. This is a dream. You're dreaming, Y/n. What the actual fuck?

"Are you sure? Then why did you ask Jean out when we were seniors? Why did you break it off with me mere weeks before?" Your mind was racing and it translated into sentences quickly spilling from your lips.

She still looked straight at you. Her facade of confidence was making you nervous. "I'm sure. Back then, I was so afraid of what I felt for you. Pretending the feelings weren't real and projecting them onto Jean seemed like my easiest option. For years I convinced myself I loved him. But it was never him. It was always you. I felt so awful when I realized what I was doing."

And just like that, the facade fell. Her words were no longer held confidence. She was afraid of how you'd react. She had little idea that you were ready to be just as vulnerable as her.

"When did you realize?"

Looking up at the dark sky, she pushed a stray tuft of hair away from her face. She continued, sighing softly before she spoke, "When I saw him that night with Marco, I was relieved that I didn't have to be with him anymore. When I tried to figure out why that was, I could only think about you. Every feeling that scared me before came back. I got so scared that I left. But, even then, they never went away."

You were having some trouble believing that this was actually happening. Mikasa loved you back this entire time. If she hadn't kissed you before, you would've thought this was only possible in your dreams.

However, things were actually starting to make sense. That whole time it was your fault. Every night of those two years you spent wondering about what you could have done to make her stay. It turns out you did enough. You were the reason she left. 

But maybe you were the reason she came back as well. You could recall something Jean had told you a day before she came home.

"Why did you come back? You needed to do something?"

She looked back at you again. "I've just done it," she said.

Before you could process her words, she was leaning closer to you. Her lips were so close to brushing yours but she paused before they could fully touch. "Can I?" she whispered.

"You don't even have to ask."

When she kissed you, you felt everything. Her feelings, your feelings. The world was minuscule compared to you two. Anything else meant nothing at that moment.

It was the first time in a long time that you felt fully complete. You were a puzzle and she was the missing piece. It was like before, only this time, you knew for sure what you wanted.

Pulling away, you managed an, "I love you too, Mikasa." 

There were no other words that would feel so good to finally say out loud.

Everything was clear. You understood. 

Now more than ever, you wanted to be with her.

posted: 9/26/21

neptunetheplanet7© 2021

no reposts, edits, or modification to my work by anyone other than me.

[sisterssafespace]

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته، أخوات

i have some bad coping mechanisms because of situations i’ve been through as a child. honestly, i’m trying to change & find better coping mechanisms - journaling, gym anything positive. but, it is a slow process because i’m still healing. ‎الحمد لله على كل حال

i think these coping mechanism are starting to influence those around me? for example, i shutdown a lot when i’m triggered by something or upset; now they do too. i purposefully distance myself from other when i’m upset; now they do too.

it’s sort of discouraging because i feel like i’m trying so hard to change. yet i can see them doing what i’m trying so hard to leave behind?

then i start to think what if they had always been like this. however, i’m only noticing now but, i feel like this is less likely because i’ve known them for years.

not once have i seen these negative traits in them. now, i see these traits in them more & more with each day.

i want to speak to them about it but, everytime i do they say ‘i have always been like this.’ i feel as though it’s not true because with me they have never been like that.

sometimes, i think it’s because my actions have hurt them? so, when i’m upset& i distance myself from them they are hurt. by copying what i do i end up feeling the same way they do. الله أعلم

these are only my thoughts. if you could offer some advice it’d be a great help too.

-🤍

و عليكم السلام و رحمة الله و بركاته beautiful soul 🍃

I hope you are in the best shape of health and Iman.

Reading your asks I had two seperate ideas pop up in my mind: it reminded me of a conversation I had with my therapist a few sessions ago about coping mechanisms, and of Mufti Menk's last khutbah this Friday that was posted on YouTube about heart breaks. I will start with the latter because it is a very brief idea. Mufti Menk said we do talk about being broken hearted but how much of our doing did break other people's hearts. - well this is about the part you mentioned about the thought that you might have hurt those people around you by isolating and distancing yourself in the past - I really don't mean anything with it, your words just reminded me of the khutbah and I wanted to share, you might want to check it, it's there on YouTube. I can link you the video if you want 😘

Moving on to the main point: coping mechanisms, and I quote my therapist (shhh don't tell her 😅) : coping mechanisms are tools that come with our personalities. They are not something we choose. They are related/ specific to each personality type, and we dont get to judge or evaluate if they are good or bad. /End quote. However, depending on the level of our self-awareness and knowledge, we can identify the patterns that are 'unhealthy' and try to replace them with healthier ones. Which is something you are already doing sis! You are finding your escape on journaling, gym, etc. That's great! I really congratulate you on this transformation. Proud of you! Allahuma barik ✨ The thing is, we can't always control our reactions? Because they are steaming from the emotional part in our brain, and the rational part needs a bit of buffering before it takes the wheel? So maybe sometimes we catch ourselves doing the unhealthy behaviors as an immediate response, then we take a break, we rationalize, and decide to break/ stop that pattern and opt for something healthier, with little damage? What I am saying is, it is not a work of magic, nor is it a software code, even if we try to condition our brain to work the heathier way, sometimes we find ourselves falling into our old traps, and when that happens, we shouldn't be upset or disappointed in ourselves (or in therapy for example), we should just take a breath, understand ourselves, understand our triggers, break the pattern and switch to the healthier coping mechanisms. I remember my therapist referring to them as " emotional paracetamol " pills, that should be always in our pocket and we should take them whenever necessary.

Now, I need to stop myself from deviating. Referring to your story, tbh, I do believe that these people in your life could be honest when they said that they have always been like that, maybe you really never noticed, because you lacked the self-awareness before? And when we don't know/ can't identify something, it is evident that we wouldn't see it in others, when we see it we can't identify it, we can't name it.. with that being said, maybe growing up and in your teen years with all the emotional tornment that comes with adolescence, you never really paid attention? So my advice on this matter is : let it go, don't give it heavier weight, and forgive yourself. Don't stay hung up on the past and what you can't change, rather invest all your energy on the present and how you can be there for them. Also, it is very normal if you find that person a bit reserved when you start trying to connect with them and get them to open up. Usually we tend to feel weird and wary when someone starts to behave differently towards us? Even if the new behavior is the healthier one, the behavior we had always waited for them to adopt and wished for..? It's confusing tbh, and we start doubting their intentions maybe because a part of us don't want to get our hopes up to be crashed again? Maybe because we have trust issues? Do you get my point? So I think you should be persistent even if they don't show compliance at first, you should show them that you are in it for the long run and that you really are there for them, you want to support them, fix whatever is wrong and help them heal and grow.. so basically what I am saying is don't be discouraged if they are still closed off, don't back down, keep trying.. in shaa Allah eventually they will open up and they will be grateful you didn't give up on them.. 🤍 And it's only then when they feel safe that you can start talking about the unhealthy coping mechanisms and the 'negative traits' like you said, because at any point before that trust is built, they will feel probably feel attacked and they will feel offended, yk? So be patient, and take it slow with them, nobody said this was easy, but it's only the 'special ones, the strong ones' do decide to break toxic cycles and unhealthy patterns, the average continue to exist randomly aimlessly and continue spreading and repeating those cycles, in vain. I am proud of you sis 🤍

May Allah swt help you break the cycle, and cross the bridge to a healthier stage of life. May Allah swt mend your heart and fill its cracks with light and Iman. Ameen. 🤍

P.s. A special thank you wa jazaki Allahu kulla Khayr for sending this as anonymous even tho we can (already had) have this conversation on DMs (or at least a bit of it), I feel like the reason behind your anon is that you are trying to spread awareness, encourage sisters who have problems to seek help and share their stories, and to actually take the first step and in shaa Allah more sisters will follow and the chain of comfort, help and support will start forming .. 😍 so thank you thank you thank you habibty, your encouragement and support to me and to this page means the world to me ❤️

- A. Z. 🍃

[etherealino]

mixtape: on track – scb

synopsis: “i can’t let you go, how can i ever let you go?” 

genre: idolverse!au, post breakup!au, radio dj!reader, angst, fluff uwu

warning(s): one curse word. changbin went ooc, oops.

word count: 3423

a/n: i had this plot since forever and when mixtape: on track was released, i realized it fit changbin so well. djbdjsdj,,,,,, hope this doesn’t suck :]

“First song of tonight, my people, Song Request by Lee So Ra, featuring BTS’ Suga. Just send in your requests, problems or if you just wanna say hi, just mention me, @/sleeplessy/n.” You said through the microphone and you lowered the volume of the microphone, muting it as the song played through the whole station—in every radio, that is.

Every night, all you did was talk about everything that comes into your mind—you’re good at it, actually. Plus, to everyone seeking advice comes to you, one of the reasons why you can’t lose topics to talk about. That was your job. From 11 pm to 3 am, for four hours that’s what you do.

This was your job ever since you broke up with your boyfriend of 2 years. Your boyfriend was none other than Seo Changbin of Stray Kids. You two were so happy, you were sure of it. Changbin was making you happy, you were making him happy. You knew you two were drifting apart when fights became a sudden routine every night, shouting until voices get hoarse. Then just this one night, Changbin came home, he picked a fight with you probably due to how stressed he is and he took it out on you. You two were on each other’s throats once more, when suddenly you shouted, “You know what? Let’s just break up. It’s best for the both of us.” You know you should’ve took it back when you saw Changbin’s expression fall, but then he glared at you again, but you still saw the tears pooling in his eyes, even though he shouted back, “Fine! I’ll pick my stuff up tomorrow.” Then, just like that, he left.

And ever since then, you can’t sleep properly. So you thought, it would be nice to look for a job instead of stressing over on how to sleep. And here you are, Sleepless Night with Y/N from 11 pm to 3 am—you became everyone’s favorite DJ in just a snap of a finger, it’s crazy when you think about it. You always loved the idea of being a radio DJ, if you were being honest. It’s been two months since you and Changbin broke up, and ever since then, you never listened to Stray Kids anymore, knowing you would just end up going to YouTube and binge his videos and fancams all day long—then cry.

You heard that Stray Kids have been having soft concepts lately, different from their usual concepts, and sometimes—a lot of times—Stray Kids’ songs were everyone’s requests, but you pretended not to see. Stray Kids would always have a guesting in your station, and you knowing the schedule would not go to the time allotted for them to avoid seeing Changbin. It’s been two months, but you were still undeniably hung up on Changbin. Everyone could see right through you.

“Once again, people, that was Song Request by Lee So Ra, featuring BTS’ Suga. How have you guys been? Still can’t sleep according to your tweets.” You said as you let out a small chuckle. You scrolled through the computer in front of you, looking at the tweets that were sent in as you talked about nonsense. “Shout out to some users that says they want to be in a relationship asap. Take your time, my people, savor it while it lasts instead of rushing, hm?”

Truth be told, you were looking for a certain user. This user would always say hi, giving you an update on what happened in their day. It would always end with, “How was your day? :)”. They would always tweet something that cheers you up. They would just randomly tweet you heart memes, even at daytime. Weird enough, even though you followed this user, they never sent you a dm. There was this weird feeling at the pit of your stomach that wants you to send them a message, but you also didn’t want to. So, you let it be. 

Weird enough, they never sent anything today. You frowned, going to their profile, refreshing the page but nothing. It’s crazy when you think about it, missing someone you never met at all. But there was just something about this user that gravitates you towards them.

 You didn’t even notice at all until your phone silently went off, vibrating, serving as a signal that it was already 2:30 in the morning. You have 30 minutes to wrap up the show. You always have that alarm or else, you will get carried away and you don’t want to ruin the schedule. “Time check, it’s now 2:30 in the morning, my people, send in your problems and I will try my best to give you the best advice I can.” You announced. Your Twitter blew up and you scrolled and scrolled. You went back up, refreshing your notifications. And finally, your favorite user has sent you a tweet. But it was different from their usual tweets. “From user sleeplesscb,” you announced. It was honestly unusual, they never send in a problem to ask for an advice, so you were kind of worried for them. “Hi, DJ Y/N, I used to have a girlfriend, she really means a lot to me. It’s been awhile since we broke up but I can’t seem to let her go. I really wish I could turn back time to take everything back so we would still be together.” You read. You sighed, biting your lip. “Well, user, if you really do love her, let her know. If you’re lucky, she might feel the same way as you. Tell her how you feel, make her feel loved and do everything you think you should do before you regret it.”

What if this is Changbin and he wants to—

 You pushed the thought away, shaking your head as you bit your lip. It couldn’t be Changbin—it’s impossible. Changbin’s too busy for stuff like this. More importantly, Changbin would never feel that way. You just have to accept that your once shared love with Changbin is just now one-sided.

 “If you end up really doing what I just said and doesn’t end good, you can hunt me and shoot me down.” You chuckled as you refreshed the page once more and you saw that the user sent another tweet saying, “Can you play Mixtape: On Track by Stray Kids? Heard that the group’s rapper, Changbin wrote it and it’s how I feel.” You bit your lip. Are you ready? You inwardly sigh, giving yourself a nod. Just this once, for them. “Since it was your problem that I gave advice, I suppose I can grant your request.” You announced, searching the song to play it. You took a deep breath before announcing, “Here’s Mixtape: On Track by Stray Kids.” 

Even a fool knows this, you’re the best thing I’ve got.

Just that line. That single line was enough to make tears pool in your eyes. Changbin’s voice went through the whole station and you muted the microphone again to prevent any noises to be heard—your sniffles, to be specific. You listened to the whole song. Just like what you expected, Stray Kids are still great—greater, even. But the fact that Changbin wrote this song made your heart flutter. He probably wrote it after your breakup, but you refused to listen. Funny how the universe just finds way to make you do what you’re supposed to, even if you’re against it. Did he actually write this for you or he just got an inspiration out of it? You don’t know, but it feels nice to hear the boys again—Changbin, especially.

 You feel like jumping and throwing the things around you when Changbin’s part, “I can’t let you go.” came. You wanted to scream. You felt that. Changbin put so much emotion into this song, more tears streamed down your face and you sighed. Then it was followed by Felix repeating it. Then another line from Changbin, “How can I ever let you go?”

“Yeah, how could you?” You whispered as you aggressively wiping your cheeks as if you were actually talking to Changbin. By the last line, it was Changbin again, he changed the first line to “I know it because I’m a fool and can’t live without you.”

You really wished he really did write it for you. You wanted him back more than anything. How could you be so stupid to yell those words that led to your breakup?

When the song was finally done, you finally turned the microphone on.  “And that’s it for today’s show everyone. I feel like I was a little bit boring today, it was tiring today after all. I promise to make it up to you tomorrow!” You said through the microphone and to your surprise you actually sound stable as if you weren’t a crying mess just before. “Time check, 2:55 in the morning, may you finally sleep in peace after a whole night of soft love songs. Tune in again tomorrow—or later tonight, rather for more advices, blabbering about whatnots, and songs to play for your situations as cheesy as that sounds. This is DJ Y/N, signing off, leaving you with Day6’s I Smile. Good night, everybody.”

And just as you said, she played Day6’s I Smile and queued more songs that are enough until the next program which would be at 8 am. You turned the microphone off, removing the headphones off your head as you neatly placed it to where it belongs. You went out of the studio room, the radio producer smiling at you. You closed the door behind as you went to pick your bag and coat. “I’ll see you tonight.” You said to her and she smiles.

“You did great today, just like always.” She said with a smile and you bowed, thanking her for the compliment. “Stay safe, take care driving.”

“Yes, stay safe, too.” You said as you waved bye to her. You exited the building of your radio station, going to the parking lot, ready to go home. You climbed in, starting the engine on as you decided to listen to the songs you’ve queued. The drive home was peaceful. City lights and soft music as you drive at the middle of the night; just your aesthetic, this was what you used to do with Changbin. Yes, Changbin was still at the back your head. You really wanted to know if it was for you. But other than that, you wanted to know how is he doing. Did he go through the same as you did? Was he better now? How is he? Did he find another person to finally replace you?

As you arrived home, a soft sigh escapes your lips. Why were you thinking about Changbin again? Oh, because that’s what you always think of every night. Can he sleep peacefully every night unlike you? Can he move around without thinking about you? Does he listen to your program every night?

Anyway, you got off your car with your coat and bag as you arrived in front of your house. Head down as you fiddled with your keys, walking up to your doorstep. You sigh. You were tired, but you were not sleepy. You have this tendency to be a bit clumsy when tired. So, as you were walking to your doorstep, you dropped your keys. You sigh loudly, bending down, sitting on the back of your legs to pick it up.

But someone has beat you to it.

You looked at the shoes in front of you, freezing. His scent finally filled your nostrils, his hand that was holding your keys out for you, the oversized black hoodie. You’d know those anywhere, everywhere. You bit your lip, looking up at the person to confirm if it really was him. And it was. You don’t need any confirmation to know it was him. Just his scent alone was enough to prove that it was him.

You shakily grabbed your keys, standing up as you look into his eyes.

Was it really him? Or did everything got into your head that it led you into imagining things?

He breathed out as if he was nervous, then he spoke, stuttering, “H-Hi.”

It really is him. It’s Changbin. 

“What are you doing here?” You mumbled, not being able to properly process what’s happening. Why is he here? Is he here to get the shirt he forgot to take with him? Psh.

Changbin clears his throat, looking at the ground then up to you. “The DJ in the radio said, I..” Changbin trails off as he tries to find the right words. “I should tell you how I really feel about you, and.. I..” Changbin trails off once more, being really nervous as he avoids your eyes.

Woah, wait. 

Your eyes widen as you look at Changbin. “That user was you?” 

Changbin looks up, nodding as he says nothing. You bit your lip, but a soft chuckle escapes your lips. That’s why you keep on gravitating towards the user. Seriously, how does the universe does that? You looked at Changbin who was looking down as he breathed out, trying to find the courage to speak up to you.

“Fuck it.” Changbin whispers to himself then turns to look in your eyes. Then he started to speak, “Firstly, I’m sorry for taking all the stress out to you every night when we were still together. It was really shitty of me to do that. I’m sorry I wasted the chance you gave me. I’m sorry for taking you for granted. I’m sorry for failing your expectations on me. I’m sorry I never became the man who you wanted. I’m just.. sorry for being shitty at showing you how much you mean to me. You should have someone who would love you the way the universe wants you to be loved—the way you deserve.

“I’m in a very big risk right now—we are in a big risk right now. Anyone could be somewhere here, take pictures of us and expose us, but I don’t care. But if ever we get into trouble because of it, I will protect you even if I’m at risk. I just want to let you know what I’ve been hiding for the past two months. It was eating me up. I was just happy on making you smile through the memes I send, through the little messages I sent, but I craved for more, Y/N. I want you back.

“I was in love with you. We were happy but we suddenly drifted apart because of me and my stupid pride. I knew better than that, but still I picked a fight with you almost every night when all you did was try to calm my nerves. I shouldn’t have let it get that far for you to yell those words. Up until now, Y/N, I’m still in love with you. You’re always here. You’re a part of me, Y/N. Every minute of every hour, you’re all that I think about. It bothers me to think that what if you already found someone else. Every time you giggle through the radio because of my messages, I regret my actions of letting you go just like that even more. I love you, Y/N. I still do.”

Changbin finishes with nervousness swimming in his eyes as he looked at you, but you only blankly stared at him. He knows that look. You’re not interested anymore, he thinks, but he was so wrong. He’s the only thing you wanted, nothing else.

“Before anything else, I know you haven’t been listening to our songs, considering you never played any of our songs despite a lot has requested and it’s impossible for you not to see it. But what I’m trying to say is, the song I requested was written for you.” Changbin says as he nods as if he was approving into his words, thinking he said the right words. He looks at you, who still blankly looked at him. “You.. can hit me now.”

“I can’t believe it was you.” You mumbled as you looked down, then to your side—everywhere but Changbin. Changbin chuckles nervously.

“I thought you were going to find out since I put my initials at the end.” Changbin said. Right. The ‘scb’ in the end. You were a bit oblivious to things. Okay, you just didn’t want to get your hopes high.

“How’d you know I have a radio program every night?” You asked as you look at him.

Changbin shrugs, looking at the ground. “Stress was getting into me, so I went out to get a bit of fresh air. Drove into the city in the middle of the night, around 1 in the morning, just like we used to. I turned the radio on and then I Loved You by Day6 was playing. I decided to stay on that station for a bit because it was one of your favorites. And then, I heard your voice.” Changbin explains. He looks at you, biting his lower lip, then he softly adds. “You know I know your voice anywhere—everywhere.”

You lick your lips, looking at the side. You shake your head lightly as you feel tears pool in your eyes. “I hate you.” You mumbled, just as the tears have cascaded down your face. Changbin looks at you, lowering his head as if he was ashamed.

“I know.” Changbin mumbles back.

“I hate you for making me love you so much. Why is it so much easier to love you than hating you? Up until now, it still feels like the first day when we broke up.” You said, wiping your tears off. Changbin holds himself from reaching out to pull you in his arms.

“I’m sorry for hurting you.” Changbin apologizes and he looks into your eyes. “I’d do anything for you to forgive me, I really will.”

You cock your head to the side lightly, raising an eyebrow. “Anything?” You repeated, asking with emphasis. Changbin nods as he looks at the ground, not being able to say anything knowing where would this lead to. He can seriously imagine you saying ‘Never show up to me ever again.’ He was so scared, but if it would make you happy, he’ll do it. 

“Stay with me.”

Changbin’s head snaps up, eyes looking into your tear-filled ones. Stay with you? Didn’t you hate him? “Objections? Hey, let me tell you, I got this job because I didn’t want to dwell into stressing myself because I can’t sleep. So I said, why make a job out of it. You know why I can’t sleep?” You said and Changbin shakes his head. “Because I can only properly sleep with you beside me. You owe me two months of peaceful sleep!” You pouted as you told Changbin these things. Changbin couldn’t help but chuckle, smiling at how you suddenly turned cute. “Stay with me, Changbin. Please.”

Changbin cautiously takes a step, and when you don’t take a step back, he takes this a sign that he can pull you in his arms for a hug. So, he did. Changbin wrap his arms around your shoulders as you wrap your own around his torso. You laugh lightly through your sniffles, finally feeling complete after two months. Changbin kisses your temple, keeping his lips there as you tighten your grip on him. 

“Every night, if you want.” Changbin mumbles.

After two months, you finally slept properly and peacefully again. When you woke up, Changbin was already awake, playing with your hair with a wide smile on his face, giving you a kiss on your nose, forehead, cheeks and finally on your lips. You two were back and you were sure that you two are stronger this time. The universe really does have a funny way to make things right again. And as you are working, talking about the most random things, your eyes shift outside the studio where the waiting room is, you see Changbin watching you with a smile on his face. He gives you a wink, lightly raising his fist, mouthing, “Fighting! I love you.”

“A great person just told me that you deserve to be loved the way the universe wants you to be, so don’t rush into anything, the right person is just there.” You said through the microphone with a wide smile.

You mouthed back, “I love you, too.”

sksks when changbin sang that did you feel that? i cant relate and i felt that.

[alpacaparkaseok]

Check in with B - Survey Answers

Thank for to those of you that took my survey! It really helps me to know what I need to improve here on my blog and gives me the awesome opportunity to check in with you individually and see how you’re doing! 

First, to those of you who expressed feelings of depression, anxiety, or even darker thoughts, please please utilize my dm’s as well as kokobot. You can search it up in Tumblr and use the chat feature, where you can express your feelings and receive love and encouragement from other Tumblr users! There are also mini-courses on how to better deal with anxiety and other personal issues. 

I’m here for you (LITERALLY, THAT’S WHY I’M ON THIS SITE YOU GUYS) and am always ready to listen and love you. 

Now! For answering some of your questions regarding myself, my Tumblr schedule, and other things! I’ll put a “read more” right here so this doesn’t take up your whole dash, but here are your answers! 

Happy reading!

What happened to Friday Followers?

For those of you that don’t know, I used to do a thing every Friday where I would select 10 random followers and pose a question for them to answer. I stopped doing it because people didn’t really interact with it anymore...but I want to do something like that again! 

Do you know when you’ll be updating the Taehyung series you have on hiatus?

More or less! I’m reworking it at the moment to become one long post, rather than a series. That just wasn’t working out for me. As of right now, I have a couple of things I need to post first, but hopefully it will be up within the next couple of weeks! Thanks for remembering it and checking in!

What was your favorite story you’ve written, and what was the hardest thing about writing it?

This is such a hard question! Looking through my masterlist, I can remember which ones were really hard and which were easy for me. (i.e. “Mine” came to me so easily, whereas “Where You Should Be” did not!!) I think if we’re being honest, “7 Secrets” has to be the one because it’s what got me started on this site. The hardest thing was letting go at the end, honestly. It’s always so hard to let go, especially when those characters feel like home. (that’s why there’s so many drabbles for it lol)

A fan favorite (and personal favorite, of course) is The Pact! I genuinely enjoyed that series so much because I was basically just projecting what I wanted into the series. The hardest thing though was writing the last chapter. I was doing finals that week at uni, and so my brain had officially stopped working. But hey, we made it!

Ok, I’m grouping these ones together:

How do you write and plan out your longer fics?? And how long does writing and editing take? They're so clean and immersive.

Can i ask how you organize your writing/posting schedule? I feel like your so organized with it and have like a bazillion notes.

I was wondering how you always find the motivation to write such amazing stories and how your writing process goes. Where do you find ideas to keep your story going.

I HAVE A QUESTION?! HOW THE HECKETY HECK ARE YOU SUCH AN AMAZING WRITER AND HOW ARE YOU SO SWEET AHHHHH I ASPIRE TO BE A WRITER LIKE YOU!!

Organization: Fake it til you make it, my friends. 

Also, I have a whiteboard that has a section named: “Whatcha workin on?” where I write the fics I’m supposed to be working on that week, and I utilize my calendar to map fics out! I’ve been more sporadic due to the summer and being busier than normal/not have a set routine, but yeah. 

How long does it take?: Tbh, so long haha. But I have this thing where I usually crank most of a fic out the same day I’m writing it. So when you see me post, “How to Sell Sunshine’s next chapter will be out tonight!” that means I literally have written a couple of paragraphs and feel like I’m inspired enough to finish it the same day. Posting about it keeps me accountable. As for time, I’d say anywhere from 3 to 8 hours per chapter. (i.e. The Pact’s “Shocker” took me all day. All day. Until like 11pm. That one was one of the longest.)

Motivation: YOU GUYS ARE MY MOTIVATION!!!!!!! Like, I cannot stress that enough. Knowing that you’re out there, that you’re interested in what I write and want to see more of it, is the most motivating thing I get. 

I also have a personal beta-reader that doubles as my big sis, @baepsaetay​, and she keeps me fueled with excitement and encouragement, as well as helps in making my fics readable lol. So three cheers for her!! 

Also, never doubt the power of Pinterest. I have a board dedicated to my Tumblr fics, all sectioned out. Look, I’ll show you what my oneshot on Monday looks like in my Pinterest board!! 

So that helps me a lot to go back and get a feel for the story and get motivated to make something beautiful. Hope you’re excited for Slytherin!Tae on Monday!!

As for the last question...uwu. That is all. I’m sure you can be an even better writer than me, love!

Where are you from? What do you do? How are you feeling?

I’m from the Western United States! I’m a college student/part-time employee. I actually just quit my job last week, so I’m currently in-between jobs at the moment. Hopefully will start my next one in a week! And I’m feeling great, thank you. 

Like really really how are you and are you happy? Do you dance around when you are happy?

How did you know I dance around?? I actually do! Constantly. I am happy! I have a lot of things to be grateful for, and I’m very happy. I do write angsty things because I enjoy evoking emotions out of others and myself just as much as the fluffy stuff. But I’m doing great and loving summer!

ok! I think that wraps up this quarter’s survey! I’ll see you guys again in a few months with another survey, HOWEVER, please don’t let that stop you from chatting with me. I literally live to talk with you guys, so don’t hesitate to reach out! I’ll still keep posting random things begging for you to come chat with me, too. My dm’s are always open, the anonymous setting is on for asks, and also, if your native language is Spanish and you feel uncomfortable speaking in English, you can talk to me in Spanish! I lived in Mexico for a year and a half, so I speak good ol’ Mexican Spanish. 

Love you guys! Please stay safe this weekend, and have lots of fun! See you soon!

[jidai]

jidai’s budget mutuals/friends appreciation

Hi, all! I’m quite late with this but I decided to put a small friends and mutual appreciations post in hopes of brightening up the end of this year a little bit. ❤️ If you were tagged, please make sure to check below for a small little message from me. However, I want to make it very clear that I truly appreciate all of my mutuals. You guys brighten up my dash and always reblog or create so many funny and creative posts. I just wanted to give a few special shout outs to those that have taken out the time to reach out and interacted with me past my ask box or we just see each other often.

The messages are ordered by your URL, so you might have to scroll for awhile before you see your messages. I’m so sorry lmao. 

Happy New Years, everyone!

@25th​​, Nonnie, the Young Genius. bro, remind me how old you are 🧍‍♀️ Like my brain CANNOT fathom the thought that you’re so skilled at SO many things and you’re not even in your twenties??? PLEASE SPARE THE TALENT. i will even accept crumbs. But I’m writing to tell you that you are such a wonderful presence on my dash. I always look forward to your gfx. They’re so SO good and you’re improving from one post to another. Like WOW. Now, you’re even starting an art blog, too? You’re so dedicated to the arts. I respect that a lot. Your hard work and commitment will bring you very far in life, whatever you decide to do. 

I love interacting with you. You’re such a big sweetheart and full of positivity and energy. I look forward to seeing more of your art and gfx ❤️

@biscuitwalk​, Dann, the AK Wiz. Dann, I know you’re not as active on here so idk when or if you will ever read this but I want to say that I miss you and your creations so, so much. I will say it a hundred times over and OVER but you inspire me so goddamn much. You have no fucking idea. Your works are absolutely gorgeous and unique. I can look at it once and I can instantly recognize your style (and your cute lil’ pufferfish <3). The way you utilize colors and implement various techniques, shapes, textures into your work. Goddamn, you’re so good. I always look to your work if I ever need inspiration and they help me brainstorm. God, I wish I could put it into words how much I adore your works.

We didn’t really talk for long but you seemed like such a kind and fun person to be around. I wish you the best in your future endeavors, wherever you are. Stay safe <3

@elriccs, Mirai, the Short King. 🧍‍♀️ ok look I know, I know I’m TERRIBLE at replying to you and I’m so fucking sorry. I absolutely love to talk to you but my dumbass cannot seem to reply in a timely manner LASELKSAL. That’s on me and I gotta do better. Anyways!!! Thank you SO fucking much for always leaving such kind messages on my work. I swear to god you’re one of my biggest hype man and I ALWAYS look forward to reading your tags. They’re so funny and it makes me all tingly and happy inside. Bro, like, you just radiate big fun vibes, bro. I really hope that I can get to know you better so I can just insult you until it’s too late to walk away </3

And of course, let me also remind you that I love your works so much. They way that you utilize your textures and those muted colors... OOMPH *chefs kiss* I will always love--

@lockhvrts​​, Em the Soulsborne GOD. hi em 🥺 it’s been awhile since I’ve had a proper conversation with you and I hope you’re doing okay! I miss you and our conversations where we do nothing but geek out and complain about the game industry lmao. if you manage to read this, I just wanted to let you know I miss your presence here. It’s been kinda dull not seeing your beautiful soulsborne gifs and your game rants. Let’s catch up soon. <3 stay safe and well!

@nathanprescutt, Benn, the Man. BENNNNNNNN.  I love you a lot bro. I know we haven’t had long conversations for some time and I hope I can change that! You were my first friend on this blog and I will always appreciate it. I remember us just geeking out over your works and how I would always send you a gfx request like once a week LMAO. The one thing that I have always appreciated about you was the fact that you’re very opinionated (if not, very vocal on your stance on things) and you hold your ground. There were a few time where you encouraged me to speak on topics that I think I shouldn’t and that stuck with me for quite awhile. I’m still a nervous rambling mess when it comes to debates but just know that the one time you supported me to voice my opinion--I hold it very dear to my heart. 

While I don’t spend much time together, I will always remember our animal crossing session. It was  so much fun just trashing and chilling on your island. Especially the bar :( that bar was fucking AMAZING. Maybe once FFXVI comes out, we can geek out hehe

Also, thank you so much for sending in photos of all your doggos, omg. I miss seeing them so much I hope they’re doing well. Stay hot, my German bro lol. Ich bin sehr dankbar, so eine tolle Freundin zu haben. ❤️❤️❤️

@noxdivina​, Lin the Big Dick Daddy Kind. The church is open for business bitch and I’m here to preach the GOSPEL.

Okay, jokes aside, I’m really happy that we became mutuals. You’ve always give off this like, mysterious cosmic vibe (????? huh). And your selfies just further proves that you are wtf. But you’re always so kind to those that you interact with. You’re an absolutely sweetheart and like I just want to give you a giant hug every time we interact. You’re such a soft human being. It’s so nice being around you. It’s like being tossed in the oven and baked at 250 degrees F for 25 minutes. And to boot you’re really talented, hello? God really said let there be a perfect human being and yeeted you into the universe. Thank you for always leaving such kind messages and words in my DM/askbox/works. I cherish them so much. I hope I can get to know you better in the future bc you’re rad, bro <3

anyways, updated drawing of u and maya:

i always assume you’re in a black fur parka 24/7 and maya is coatless neck down. also deck me with those jacked arms of yours thanks  🧍‍♀️

(edit: fuck i forgot to draw a PARTY HAT ON MAYA IM SORRY)

@rokuseis​, Sei, the Dumber.

i have nothing to say to you go away you banana hater ASELKSAEKL

BITCH, you doo bee getting on my nerve 24/7/365 🧍‍♀️ you were an unexpected but a very welcomed addition to my life. I can’t believe we really went 1 fuckin’ year without speaking to each other and then suddenly our friendship blew up because over a stupid BANANA. Now you gotta deal with me and my stupid, random, crude ass messages daily. I cannot. Clown to clown communication. But thank you so much bitch for being there for me and telling all of these funny ass stories and life experiences.

I know I don’t say it a lot because when we talk it’s literally just dogs barking at each other but I want to make it clear now: I love your humor and vibe so much. You never fail to make me laugh anytime I talk to you and I appreciate it so much. I can’t tell you how many times I felt better after talking to you. Even though sometimes your fucking jab hits hard and I end up actually inSULTED BY IT. But thank you for becoming my friend and I look forward to all of our stupid moments together. Looking forward to shitting in your sink when I finally fly to your home <3

@wolfamongthem, Anna, the Grinch. Please don’t hurt me for that title. I'm just saying if someone needs a live casting, it’ll be u. Anyways, did you know that I was so fucking intimidated by you for a long ass time, even before we became mutuals aseljas LMAO. I always see your gifs around on explore and they’re so gorgeous and then I look at your text posts and it’s u roasting people like there’s no tomorrow- 🧍‍♀️ bitch I was SCARED OF U KSKS. Now that I’ve talked to you a few times, you’re really funny like where do you find those reaction memes????? Like bro you and your shitposts is my morning cup of coffee. 

Anyways, in 2021 I expect a full-fledge review of all AAA games from you-- no more shit talking in the tags let it all out BITCH. Thank you for being such a great mutual! I look forward to see what weird shit you will send me the next time we talk lmao

@zenien​​, Selm, the I’m-gay-for-Lady-Maria-or-anything-that-moves-in-BB-Bitch™. ok bitch if I’m being honest I wrote yours last so my brain is FRIED. so everything i say from here is raw from the HEARt cause that’s all I got left. But anyhow, we savin’ the best for last! honestly, i didn’t expect you to barge into my life like that. i really didn’t. i was just gonna keep admiring with my 7 feet (2.1336 meters) pole. I’m glad you made the first move because look where we are wtf 🧍‍♀️ friends??? I wouldn’t believe you if you told me that in 2014 when I first followed you lmao. 

You’re such a kind soul. I know you may disagree but I’m determined to convince you. I can’t tell you how much I want to thank you for taking the time to talk to me during my rough bits. It’s like sitting on a wooden bench in a park during sunset and you sit next to me, just enjoying the vast sky. You radiate such peaceful energy. It’s very calming. Or you know, 2 seconds later i’m suddenly suplexed by your 40 tons of insults like what-- 

Thank you for everything, so far. Truly. It’s been so fun listening to you talk about your Bloodborne journey and see your reactions live. It’s been so fun to see you post your graphics and it continues to blow me away. It’s been so fun hearing about your life and the stories of your adulthood. Every words that we have exchanged, I hold dearly to my heart--more than you ever know. Love u bitch.

[daltonsden]

So, a couple things.

I think there may be a few things worth addressing because this has just spiraled into something that does not remotely resemble reality anymore. This is likely to be my last lioden-related interaction on here for a long time. I apologize for the novel.

First of all, any of the things, which I am still confused about what all you folks are going on about, has not happened in the Breed Only Beauties discord server. I don't understand what exactly these anons would prefer for me to do. I can't ban individuals based on alleged actions outside of my server, that doesn't seem logical or right to me. I can’t moderate actions outside of my server. If something happens in the in the server, create a ticket. I am not psychic and can not address things I am not made aware about. Everything that we are made aware of is addressed promptly.

Second, there's a ticket system in the Breed Only Beauties discord server which will connect you immediately with the admins and has an average response time of about a minute. So to say admins/moderators aren't doing anything is simply not based in reality. Many users have received warnings and have adjusted their behavior. You can also typically get an instant response you if DM any of them directly. Helpers, by the way, can not see tickets. If you are curious what most tickets are about, it’s failure to use trigger warnings. Well, actually most tickets are people testing the ticket system (please do not do this), but that doesn't really count. If you need something in the sever, create a ticket if it is actual issue in the server. For everything else, create a Tumblr post apparently.

Some, well at least one person, has complained about the choice of Aggy. I will not be demoting Aggy from the helper position. I am unaware of the alleged actions of Aggy that would warrant this (besides of course the favorite crime of guilt by association), and Aggy was chosen as a helper due to merit. They have exhibited nothing that would contradict this initial assessment, and has been doing an excellent job. If you have an issue with Aggy and believe you have evidence of why they should not be a helper, please create a ticket in the server or DM me. I am always open to being proven wrong.

Fourth, no I will not arbitrarily kick an individual because you do not like them or do not get along with them. This applies to people on "both sides". They will have to break the rules either severely enough, or enough times to be kicked. You not liking them is not an appropriate reason to have someone banned from the server. Pretty much everyone has been and will be given a chance in this server, even if I get DMs from people bemoaning their entry. So no, everyone, I will not be kicking someone because they are a clown gang, I will not be kicking someone because they are friends of Jax, I will not be kicking someone because you think they may be the user that bought out your mispriced trade last year or kinged a lion similar to yours. None of these are valid reasons. If you have a valid reason, please create a ticket or DM me. We will instantly kick users who underage, who engage in clear-intent scams, steal art, or engage in any activity that would result in a ban from Lioden.

Unfortunately, I can not dedicate my entire life to volunteer to watch every channel in a pet sim server for a small community. Realistically, this is not even dependent on my mother's condition. I just humanly can't do that, because sleep is a thing, and nor would I want to. I don't even want to spend most of my free time doing it. If you see something, report via the ticket system. As much as the salt blogs care to insinuate, I do not bear the weight of responsibility of the actions of individuals who sometimes chat in a server I set up for everyone to enjoy. I am not these people’s parent, nor can I control any individual’s actions. Also, if I were to chose to leave the server be and let the weeds grow wild, that would not make me a “bitch” as one anon so eloquently put it. Anon, you are not entitled to the volunteered time I put into building a little community for Bob. Everything I, the admins, and the helpers, put in is volunteered and not at all a given, or requirement. If I can not drop everything in a moment’s notice to service a voluntarily run discord, that does not make me a “bitch”. It is not, and will never be, my sole or number one responsibility in life. It’s a game. And to insinuate that I am somehow less than or a bad person for not being able to manage the server 100% of the time is unreasonable and cruel. Look, I’m only human. And the users chatting in Bob are only human. And there's going to be squabbles, and people are going to complain about stuff, and not always get along, and that’s okay, because that's part of being human. But I’m not always going to be online to catch it, so please use the ticket system.

Also, on to the anonymous user who posted and the salt blog who permitted this comment,” hey fun fact anon, i'm aware she's dealing with her sick mother but that doesn't excuse the terrible moderation. if she told her mods to step up or do something, they could do something so she could do what she needed to do. she's a bitch, and terrible owner. she has the power to do stuff, but does nothing.” What is wrong with you? How on earth does this progress anything, and why was this permitted to be shared? I understand everyone enjoys salt, and everyone is stressed due to the global circumstances stances right now, but moderators and posters please keep in mind there is a human on the other end of the keyboard, and thanks to the 2020 energy I think everyone is going through something. I have my mother's situation, but everyone has something right now. I have an open DM policy with players in and out of my discord, where if you have anything you need to talk about I can always provide a safe and confidential place to talk, and many, many users have come to me upset about even just the tiniest thing shared on these blogs. These words and comments genuinely hurt people, and it doesn’t take needlessly calling someone a “bitch” because they can not dedicate their life to moderating a discord server to do that. You can hurt people with much less. This request is to everyone, including individuals in the Bob discord server. I don't think anyone deserves to be just berated or cussed out needlessly by anonymous randos, not myself, not Roxanne, not Jax, not the clown gang, not Noluck, not BO breeders, not applicator lovers, not the Lioden staff. All these individuals are people who are just doing the best they can right now, I'm sure. Even Roxanne and Jax are nice, normal and understanding people if you talk to them one on one.

Yes, my mother is dying from liver failure caused by cancer. It is an awful and ugly death, especially for someone who is far before her time. Her medication to manage the pain and rising liver toxicity she is has made her very not herself, though we are finding a better combination. There are still some good days ahead I hope. She is combative, physically and verbally, and can not physically do most basic actions herself. She keeps fighting us to go back to chemo, even though it did nothing to help the tumors and would just quicken demise. It breaks my heart because I know she just wants to live and wants to fight it, but she is going to die where she lays. I just really hope I get to have a fully aware conversation with her before she passes, and that she knows I love her so much despite me being a bit of a hellion in my teens. I think it would be hard to watch if I was an observer, unfortunately I am active participant.

On the matter of me deleting things that violate our rules in server. The alternative would to be leaving up things that violate our rules, which would be the same as deeming it acceptable. This is just the strangest complaint I've seen on here. If there was a delete, someone is essentially being spoken to/receiving a strike/ECT. According to Tumblr, I'm quite the paradox, apparently, I somehow both manage to completely disregard the server while still managing to delete stuff every time insert your favorite salt blog character here does anything. Congratulations Bob, you got yourself a girl that can do both.

At the end of the day, the Bob server is a pretty mundane lioden server. If you don't like breed only marks/bases, it’s probably pretty boring. It’s really nothing like how it’s portrayed here. If it’s toxic then my vocabulary is far too limited to describe the anonymous culture on platform you’re reading this on. Usually I would suggest joining us and checking it out, but after watching the last 48 hours on Tumblr, I think I’m likely aquantited with enough users from this platform for now. If anyone is still reading, thank you for your time, I'm appreciative of it. Writing this really helped my headspace regarding the community. I should have never read the blogs to be honest, so some of this does fall on my shoulders. I won't likely answer questions, I apologise in advance. I still love you all, and I know this is just a tiny fraction of the Lioden community, but today it just feels incredibly bad.

[whoson1st]

Are you in the official King Falls server at all? Just trying to get an idea of what's going on and who knows what's going on

Hoooooo BOISE.

So, long story short, yes. Yes I’m in the discord, yes I know what’s going on, and it’s all really, really stupid. I think that there were mistakes made on a lot of fronts, but I also think that the end result is, in a lot of ways, a long time coming.

I haven’t been responding to things I’ve seen on social media for the most part, and wasn’t REALLY keen to respond to this, but there’s also a lot of misinformation happening due to hurt feelings. There’s plenty of abridged accounts of what’s going on, and I’m pretty sure you know that. I’m taking this question on good faith that it’s genuinely asking and not setting me up to get torn down but...honestly, either way, I don’t care. I’m not on tumblr much these days anyway so it doesn’t really matter, and internet drama is just….it’s always dumb. But there’s a lot of “evidence” being put forth that is out of context or in bad faith, and the people who are being the loudest are a whole lot of the problem, so I’ll put in my account and opinions.

Anyway, I’m putting everything under a cut because it’s...a lot.

So first off, full disclosure, I used to be a mod on the discord. I left the team at the beginning of the year of my own volition because I’m an adult with a job and a life and things to take care of that aren’t that and needed a break. I’m still friends with all the current mods, and talk to them regularly, as well as being on good terms with the cast and creators. Just in case you’re dead set on hating any of them, you should know that. I try to keep a pretty good perspective, and I’m a little more removed than I was a few months ago, but I won’t say I’m totally free of bias either. If that’s what you’re into, just go ahead and skip this.

This all started with a piece of fan art, which honestly should be a clue as to how petty this all is. The fanart included The Dirt in a BDSM outfit as part of a larger work, and it was posted in the fanart section of the discord. It was bordering on NSFW, and the artist maybe should have asked the mods and/or put it behind a spoiler tag--which is probably as far as the mods would have gone had they been consulted, because it was 1) part of a larger thing and 2) canon compliant (it’s Jacob Williams, what do you want?). Neither of those things happened, people complained, the art was taken down. Then Kyle Brown, one of the writers, retweeted the copy that had been uploaded to twitter on his personal account--his account, not KFAM official--and someone complained that it made them uncomfortable and was not safe for work. Another cast member, Trent Shumway, replied that twitter isn’t a safe for work site, which it’s not. Which then led to both Kyle and Trent being socially crucified for not taking more care in what their followers see on their personal accounts on an open social media platform that is not dedicated to any single person or work.

It was already stupid. Really, really stupid. Especially since this is not a SFW podcast. It never has been. Everyone remember the third episode with Archie’s pomchies? And I know that certain aspects of that make people uncomfortable but if you are choosing to listen to the show regardless of that, it’s on you. An artist isn’t going to repaint something because you’re not a fan of green. And the SFW rule on the server has always been “within the guidelines of the show”.

So then, someone made this post that has since been deleted but I’m including mostly because if other people want to go ahead and pull receipts, I’m also going to.

Before I go ANY further with this, I want to say this: this person has been a problem for a LONG TIME. Months, at least, since before I left the mod team, and is honestly part of the reason being a mod became so difficult for me. They have displayed a pattern of abuse of the mods, the creators, and other members of the community on both twitter and tumblr, and have made people on the discord server uncomfortable enough that they either don’t participate or have left completely. This one person. And they have a bully squad behind them. And it sucks. But in the end, it was always decided that we couldn’t police what people did on their individual accounts or single someone out who hadn’t technically broken guidelines in the server, despite numerous complaints, because the mods and creators want to make everyone feel that they’re included. This decision was made...numerous times. After multiple incidents. For months.

I had my own issues with this decision, but that’s neither here nor there, and doesn’t really matter anymore. Because that post was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Kyle, misunderstanding the term, took it as a threat. Not hard to do, given the already heightened emotions, the tags, and this person’s history. So the person was immediately banned. The fact is, even without misunderstanding, that’s a really shitty post. That’s hating one a writer and a cast member and still wanting to pretend they have nothing to do with the THING THEY CREATE because this person doesn’t like what they said on twitter.

Following that, one of their friends--who had also been a longstanding problem--attempted to start a knockdown dragout in the general chat with one of the mods over this, and was upset when the mod in question first said they’d be happy to talk on DM but not on the server, and then ignored them when they repeatedly tried to carry on the argument.

Then they lit a candle in the channel the banned person had pitched a fit in order to form, as if the person was dead and not just a jerk. And then they made this post:

They also got banned, because OBVIOUSLY. Again, misunderstanding or not, that’s a horrible way to deal with it. You can’t possibly expect to call someone an illiterate fuckwad and still want to be included in spaces they created, much less EXPECT to be. 

And then several other people who were attempting the same nonsense publicly. And then invites were taken away when the mods got word that there was a possible plan in the works to spam the server. And there’s a weird campaign to EXPOSE THE CREATORS FOR THE ASSHOLES THEY ARE.

And that’s...about where things are at now. A lot of people are upset and hurt across the board. And it sucks.

Here’s the thing. Mistakes were made. Kyle misunderstood Death of the Author, and has a tendency toward knee-jerk, unedited reactions. The mods should have been more on top of the problem and not let it fester. There were ways that this could have been mitigated and done better. There always are.

But this was always going to happen in some fashion.

Podcasts and podcast communities are not new anymore, folks. But it still seems like people have a hard time grasping their actual level of involvement in the creation because of how active some creators are. You’re free to say whatever you want, but you are not free from consequence. And you’re not exempt from being wrong. This isn’t just a matter of the creators of KFAM--or any work, to be honest--not being able to take criticism, this is a matter of people thinking that their criticism is 100% correct 100% of the time, and the entitled attitude that comes with that. KFAM isn’t perfect, I have my own criticisms of it, because I have criticisms about basically everything under the sun, so it’s not just blind following. But it is trust in the creators and the people around them to find the best way to tell their story, to the see their problems and strive for better. And we’ve literally seen that happen in KFAM, in changes made to Walt, in Emily’s storyline, in Lily’s...everything. In the addition of “guys, gals, and non-binary pals”. They’re trying. They’re not perfect, but they’re not deaf. They’re also not obligated or beholden to everything their audience says regarding their story.

The whole argument that they can’t take criticism is undercut when it’s being made by people who think that everything they say should be taken as gospel, and treat every instance where someone disagrees with them as a personal attack. The scope of hypocrisy here is just...breathtaking.

Also, when not withstanding some nonsense attacks, they’re all genuinely kind and friendly. I already admitted some bias here, but seriously, they go out of their way to check on people and respond to people and lift people up. It’s total horse dookie to act like they don’t care about their fans.

And as for the discord--god, just get a life. The mods there work SO HARD to make everyone feel included, to encourage participation, the create a positive environment for people to talk about the things they love and make friends. They have meetings and spreadsheets and calendars and work together as a team and with Kyle to keep the place working smoothly even though there’s FIVE of them running a HUGE server. The person who was initially banned was forever complaining about the discord and how the mods ran it, even while some suggestions they had were implemented. But that discord has like 1500 people in it, gang, it’s not about what one person wants all the time. And that person has their own server anyway so just go be unhappy there and leave everyone else alone. It’s what you were doing anyway.

TL;DR: There was a lot of manufactured outrage over something incredibly dumb, and some misunderstandings, and resulted in actions that had been looming for a long time and just finally popped off. Kyle and the mods aren’t perfect, but they aren’t the villains. The people who were banned have a history of negativity and bullying that led to the decision to remove them.

If anyone takes anything from this, please let it be that it’s a GODDAMN PODCAST. If it makes you angry, if you don’t like it, go watch a movie. Eat a snack. Knit a sweater. Take a nap. Listen to a new music album. Literally anything. There’s so many things to do in this life that aren’t LOOKING for things to be upset about.

Remember the golden rule, and don’t be a dick.