#I’ve also cried over them like 5 times this week

[halfhissandwich]

I would like some royality shoved down my throat pls

I am always prepared to shove royality down peoples’ throats, this ship is so agonizingly underrated

[sharlsworld]

༘˚⋆𐙚｡⋆ horn dog - 𝐂𝐒𝟓𝟓 ⚘

（ 𝖼𝖺𝗋𝗅𝗈𝗌 𝗌𝖺𝗂𝗇𝗓 𝗑 𝗐𝗂𝖿𝖾 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽𝖾𝗋 ）

（ 𝗌𝗎𝗆𝗆𝖺𝗋𝗒 ）𝖼𝖺𝗋𝗅𝗈𝗌 𝗌𝖺𝗂𝗇𝗓 𝗂𝗌 𝖺 𝗅𝗈𝗍 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀𝗌．𝗁𝖾𝗌 𝖺 𝗌𝗈𝗇，𝗁𝗎𝗌𝖻𝖺𝗇𝖽，𝖿𝖺𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋．．．𝗁𝗈𝗋𝗇𝗒

𝗇𝗈𝗍𝖾 ✫ originally this was called work wife and it was gonna be about lando and carlos and the reader teasing them but i had a different idea after i thought of one comment 😭 also i’m so sorry for being inactive i just lose motivation when i can’t find the right pictures

🝮

carlossainz55

liked by pierregasly and 2,184,643 others

carlossainz55 I went golfing with Lando

charles_leclerc Very nice thank you for sharing with the class Carlos

yn yeah and he asked me to pack them lunch & cut the crusts off their sandwiches

⤷ landonorris what can i say? i’m a man who knows what he wants 🤷‍♂️

⤷ yn you cried and locked yourself in the bathroom when a bee landed on your shoulder last week

⤷ landonorris hey. it was a wasp alright

⤷ yn yes yes very manly

carlando y/n is so over this bromance

maxverstappen1 Very much hurt that I wasn’t invited.

⤷ yn the last time we went golfing the club flew out of your hands before you even touched the ball

⤷ maxverstappen1 Why am I catching strays?? 😨

yn cute. the hat, not you guys

⤷ carlossainz55 I love you too baby ❤️

⤷ yn get home now

⤷ carlossainz55 Yes ma’am

⤷ oscarpiastri Walk em like a dog sis walk em like a dog 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

⤷ carlossainz55 Don’t make me block you again

⤷ oscarpiastri Again?

🝮

carlossainz55

liked by fernandoalo_oficial and 3,379,802 others

carlossainz55 Date night with my one and only ❤️

georgerussell63 Oh jeez here comes baby #3. Brace yourselves everyone

danielricciardo Okay who let them out for dinner unsupervised?

scuderiaferrari Betting 500$ that it’s gonna be another boy.

⤷ mclaren Get your money in order.

⤷ f1 This is inappropriate behavior. Jk I’m betting on another boy

⤷ carlossainz55 ??

⤷ f1 And if I said twins then what?

⤷ carlossainz55 ???????

landonorris be expecting a pregnancy reveal in about 3 weeks everyone.

⤷ yn well just fuck me then i guess

⤷ carlossainz55 I did?

charles_leclerc Leave that poor girl alone Carlos goodness gracious

pierregasly Lets keep this PG carlos

⤷ carlossainz55 You cannot be talking

⤷ pierregasly You right you right 🐶

alex_albon you dirty dog 😏

⤷ georgerussell63 No. Not the vibes

⤷ alex_albon oh…

alex_albon is anyone else getting hot? 🌶️🥵

⤷ georgerussell63 Just stop trying. It’s getting sad

⤷ alex_albon alright then!

🝮

yn

liked by sunisalee and 7,826,917 others

yn 💌

landonorris wait a damn minute

georgerussell63 Very confuzzled

pierregasly Teach me your ways Carlos

alex_albon does bro have super sperm??

landonorris your already pregnant??

⤷ yn BEEN 😇 that picture carlos posted was from 4 months ago

⤷ landonorris i feel very betrayed right now

⤷ landonorris THIS IS WHY WE HAVENT BEEN HANGING OUT? 💔💔

⤷ yn well we can hangout now

⤷ landonorris ok i’m coming over

♥︎ by author

lewishamilton Congratulations you two!! I’m so happy for you guys 💙

alexandrasaintmleux Hardest secret to keep 😫 So happy we can finally have our shopping dates back

⤷ carlossainz I’m not. You guys go out everyday

francisca.cgomes cutest ever 🥹🥹 i’m so excited for baby sainz #3 <33

lilymhe Hottest mommy 😉🩷 i love u all

carmenmmundt Congratulations pretty lady I’m so happy for you and your family 🩵

charles_leclerc HAHAHAH I’VE KNOWN SINCE DAY 1 YOURE ALL LOSERS

landonorris CHARLES AND ALEX KNEW ME BEFORE ME?!?!?!? CHARLES IS SUCH A BIG MOUTH THOUGH

5 minutes ago

landonorris i’m turing around right now. i just need a minute to process this.

5 minutes ago

landonorris ok i’ve processed this i’m standing outside open the door

4 minutes ago

🝮

carlossainz55

liked by georgerussell63 and 1,174,823 others

carlossainz55 The past week

alex_albon big back big back, carlos ate all the big mac’s 😍🌶️🥵😇

⤷ georgerussell63 Alex please

yn oooh hey fattie 🫶🏽

⤷ carlossainz55 Hello baby 😘❤️

francisca.cgomes baby emilio 🩵🩵

charles_leclerc I think carlos jr jr and emilio want to have another sleepover with leo and uncle charlie 😇

landonorris yum 😋 not the pizza, you 😉

scuderiaferrari Our favorite family ❤️

⤷ yn clearly not

⤷ yn who said that?

alexandrasaintmleux This is the most unaesthetic post I’ve ever seen

⤷ carlossainz55 Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today

⤷ carlossainz55 Hold on are you saying my wife isn’t aesthetic?? And my son?? How dare you

⤷ alexandrasaintmleux No y/n and emilio are always aesthetic I’m saying you don’t know how to put the right pictures together

⤷ carlossainz55 I don’t want to hear it

lilymhe only here for my girl and the babies

⤷ carlossainz55 You’re girl??

⤷ lilymhe yes MY girl 😂

⤷ charlos4eva carlos is always fighting for his life in the comments

hoeforsainzzz y/n still being salty is so real

all4lando what i would do to be that piece of pizza isn’t okay 😫😫

operationsainz55 i’ve missed lando always being with them 🥹

sharls_leclercussy baby emilio appearance!! now we need baby los

georgerussell63 Emilio did NOT want to hand that flower over

⤷ alex_albon “emy just pretend like your giving me the flower okay?”

⤷ carlossainz55 You two are the BIGGEST haters I know. BIGGEST if yk what I mean 🐽🐽

⤷ georgerussell63 What are you trying to say Carlos?

⤷ carlossainz55 I’m say you guys are fatties, might wanna cut back on the drinks, you girls are getting beer bellies

⤷ georgerussell63 How dare you, you bastard. I do not drink beer.

charles_leclerc Biggie & biggie jr ❤️

🝮

yn

liked by meretmanon and 2,234,890 others

yn i love you nyc

alexandrasaintmleux We need a girls trip to nyc

⤷ yn omg yes i’m already writing ideas in my notes app

⤷ alexandrasaintmleux Already making a mood board

⤷ carlossainz55 We’ll be back in December everyone

⤷ alexandrasaintmleux we?

⤷ yn as in me and alex?

⤷ carlossainz55 Wow

⤷ charles_leclerc Wow

landonorris me and the boys just got done absolutely demolishing some dino nuggets

⤷ yn that sounds very fun lando thank you for sharing with us

⤷ alex_albon they left you guys at the hotel? 😭

⤷ landonorris no they shipped me and the babies back to monaco to have some “alone time” if yk what i mean

⤷ georgerussell63 The baby doesn’t get hurt?

⤷ maxverstappen1 I don’t think it’s big enough to reach 😂

⤷ carlossainz55 Excuse me? I’ll let you know that I have bruised her cervix many times

⤷ landonorris Carlos sainz are you saying your saying you rough up your wife? 🫢 you dirty dog

⤷ alex_albon oh so he can say it but not me?

⤷ carlossainz55 What can I say she likes it that way

⤷ georgerussell63 You don’t need to be big to bruise someone’s cervix

⤷ carlossainz55 Tell that to her belly bulge

⤷ alex_albon and how would you know that George Russell? 🤨

⤷ georgerussell63 Google ho 🤣

⤷ oscarpiastri who is this DIVA💜

⤷ lewishamilton Wow sometimes I forget your not a middle aged man

⤷ oscarpiastri Like you? 🤣🤣 might be time to hang up the helmet old man💀 and rookie Alonso

⤷ fernandoalo_oficial What he say fuck me for??

⤷ yn idk leave me alone

scuderiaferrari Hope you all are having the best time in NYC ❤️

⤷ mclaren Read the fucking room?

⤷ redbullracing Ooh someone took the lead and don’t know how to act 🙄

⤷ mercedesamgf1 I HATE YOU ALL

⤷ f1 ho is u coo?

🝮

landonorris

liked by pierregasly and 1,121,672 others

landonorris life as a single mom

BEING A MOM IS A JOB TO GUYS!!

yn oh shut your face

⤷ landonorris can you not yell?? i just put the boys to bed jeez

⤷ yn are you being cereal right now 😐

⤷ landonorris someone didn’t get d down last night

⤷ yn i’m gonna punch you in the throat when i get back to monaco

⤷ landonorris carlos!! control your woman!

⤷ carlossainz55 No thanks she scares me 🥰

⤷ landonorris at least give her some of that d man

⤷ carlossainz55 She’s been gettin it trust

⤷ yn why is our sex life always the topic of conversation??

⤷ carlossainz55 Bitches wish they were us

⤷ landonorris ooh we love a sassy man 💋

⤷ yn what is wrong with you

⤷ landonorris please don’t use that tone with me i’m feeling very sensitive right now

⤷ yn aww is it that time of the month

⤷ landonorris i’m the sweetest girl in town so why are you sooo mean? 💔😞🖤😖

oscarpiastri They always look like they just got back from war after being with you for more then 24 hours

charles_leclerc Let’s pray you don’t have kids until your at least 30

⤷ yn you’re*

⤷ oscarpiastri you’re*

⤷ lewishamilton you’re*

⤷ alexandrasaintmleux you’re*

⤷ landonorris your*

⤷ landonorris fuck i can’t do anything right

⤷ charles_leclerc I GET IT DAMN

⤷ charles_leclerc hahaha lando go back to school

⤷ landonorris you coming with me genius?

⤷ charles_leclerc damn

danielricciardo Now why would they trust you with two kids under 5

⤷ landonorris you’d be surprised with how much they trust me with…that’s right guys i know their dirty secrets 😏🍆🍑

⤷ carlossainz55 I’ll spill all your dirty secrets if you spill any of my dirty secrets

⤷ geogrerussell63 How are you guys getting that font??

⤷ landonorris it’s a secret

🝮

yn

liked by oliviajade and 4,769,106 others

yn surprise surprise,

mathéo & matthew 🤍 our little miracles

alexandrasaintmleux So much love 🤍 I’m obsessed with them already 🥰🥰

landonorris two more godsons to love 💙

f1 What did I say? Congratulations you two we are all so happy for your family 💙💙

carmenmmundt How precious 🥹🥹

alex_albon so what i’m hearing is carlos DOES have super sperm?

scuderiaferrari Does this mean we get 1000?? 😁😁

⤷ mclaren I was jking I knew it was gonna be a boy

⤷ f1 Hahahaha you have to pay both of us now 😂🫵🏽

francisca.cgomes so much boys 😭🩵🩵 i can’t wait to meet them 🥹

lewishamilton double trouble 💙💙💙 beautiful blessings truly

landonorris 4 is the best number 😏

⤷ yn don’t make me get pregnant again just to make it 5

⤷ landonorris gonna go cry in the bathroom brb

⤷ yn don’t come back ❤️

⤷ landonorris my heart can’t take this anymore

georgerussell63 You poor girl how are you surviving with all these boys??? 😦

⤷ yn i love my clingy boys

charles_leclerc Can’t wait to get them on the track

⤷ carlossainz55 You and me both brother

⤷ estiebestie i’m not okay

danielricciardo Congratulations on expanding your football team 💙

lilymhe milf 4x 😉 in awe of them 🩵

pierregasly Carlos Sainz the man that you are

carlossainz55 I love you and our sons more then life itself baby, I couldn’t imagine doing this with anyone but you ❤️

⤷ landonorris SOMEBODY SEDATE ME

⤷ maxverstappen1 Come on grandpa, let’s get you back to bed

[vlrghoes]

What Once Was | Chapter One

author’s note: I edited and proof read this after coming back from the club so if you see something wrong don’t be afraid to point it out as I’m quite friendly anyway!

I still don’t know if I like this chapter but overall I’m just shy about sharing my work because I’m hyper judgmental of my own work but I still wanted to share this with you guys anyway.

The chapters after this will be set a few years after this (which will be clarified in the chapters)

I’m English so if anything is wrong in terms of America and the health practices please forgive me!

I’m literally yapping now but I do want to say that I can’t promise chapter two will come in under 2 weeks as I’ve just finished my law degree and landed my dream job (not related to my degree) and I start training next Sunday and it’s for 5 weeks, really intense and with exams almost every day and if I mess up I lose my job. (Not sure if it’s obvious what my job is but anyways.) Also it’s my birthday on Wednesday and I’m celebrating Thursday so less time to write!

cw/tw: death, pregnancy complications, heavy angst, references to mental health and body dysmorphia/body image issues

word count: 4370 (I never usually write more than 2k so this is weird for me)

tag list (ask to be added): @trippinsorrows @cyberdejos2 @maeb99 @southerngirl41 @callmekayd @trentybenty @tian-monique @rose-bliss (if your name isn’t in grey, it’s not letting me tag you but I’ll try in the comment section)

masterlist

“You’re choosing that stupid title over your family again.” Ayanna’s voice cracked, the finality of her words hanging in the air as Joe stood frozen, his guilt palpable and his resolve wavering. She had spent all day running around the house and decorating for their special day. She spent hours preparing a nice steak dinner for the two of them, however it had been left untouched, the wait quelling her appetite as she now only felt sick. The dress she picked out now felt too revealing, no longer complimenting her body. Suddenly it clung to all the wrong parts and accentuated her weight gain, making her feel like a whale instead. The candles in the house had melted to the point where the fire had flickered out and the playlist she had queued just sounded like white noise at this point. Nothing matters anymore because Joe is late, late home once again and Ayanna is reaching breaking point. She spent hours waiting for him after she prepared their dinner, but all the effort didn’t matter anymore because instead of romance, the air was filled with tension and dread. “You know they’re due any day now, Joe how could you do this to me, to us. How can you still be wrestling so soon to my due date?” She said, her voice filled with emotion as she tried to steady herself. She didn’t want to cry, she had cried so much this entire pregnancy and she felt miserable. Instead of having that pregnancy glow like Rihanna, she had the life sucked out of her and she just felt lifeless.

“Look baby, I'm sorry.” Joe began, trying to figure out mentally how to get himself out of the trouble he was in. It wasn’t his fault, the media day for Wrestlemania was meant to finish much earlier but they took longer to set up, in turn making Joe’s interview (which was last) late. He had intended to be home earlier but it just seemed like the universe had other plans.

“Don’t even bother” Ayanna sighed, playing with the ring on her finger which now felt like it weighed a tonne. When they first got together, he gave it to her as a promise he’d marry her and whilst he did deliver on that promise, since getting pregnant and no longer being able to join him on the road she wondered if it was worth it sometimes. It’s not that she didn’t love Joe, hell sometimes she thinks she loves him too much. However she now isn’t sure if he loved her more than that title. He used to be so romantic; he’d bring her flowers every single day no matter what, he’d take her on dates, even small ones that weren't as lavish and she loved it. But the more he climbed up the ranks of WWE, the less the romance was there. Then shortly after he became champion everything stopped. Their marriage hit the rocks as he was never home and he started to miss things such as birthdays and christmases, so to save their marriage Ayanna gave up everything and joined him on the road. It was all going great until her later stages of pregnancy which stopped her from travelling with him but the most important thing for Ayanna was that he never missed an anniversary.

Well that was until now.

“Do you even know what day it is?” Ayanna asked, her voice quiet as she watched his mind tick, the cogwheels visabilly spinning with his face scrunched up in confusion, dull eyes squinting until it all finally clicks and he looks at her horrified. “You know, as bad as you’ve been lately, I always used to say ‘at least he’d always remembered our anniversary’ but it seems I can’t even say that anymore.” She spits, her heart breaking as the words leave her mouth.

“Yana” he started, feeling dizzy as he watched her flinch, a look almost of disgust flashing within her eyes. The nickname didn’t bring the butterflies it used to bring anymore, instead it forced a swell of emotion that made her feel like she could spew her guts any second. She used to look at him in adoration, but as the years passed the glimmer in her eyes decreased daily until they were fully extinguished. “Baby things are going to change after wrestlemania, I promise. Just one more match, after this I promise I’ll ask Vince again for some time off, I’m sure he’ll give it to me this time.”

The both of them knew that he was telling her what he wanted her to hear, the same conversation being repeated so many times to the point where they felt like they were in limbo. The last time Joe had asked, Vince told him he couldn’t have time off as he was their top star and Joe simply didn’t ask again. He always seemed to lack a backbone in situations that require him having one, but is happy to have a backbone and be stubborn when he doesn't need to be. Ayanna was exhausted, carrying one baby is hard enough but of course Joe carried the twin gene so she was carrying two instead and it felt like they were draining the life from her body. “I just want you to be present Joe, I feel like a single mother despite being married.” She pleaded, her voice filled with desperation. No one ever mentioned how lonely pregnancy is. She had lost many friends as she couldn’t go out to the club or drink anymore which meant that she spent days on end staring at the four walls of her bedroom watching the time pass as she waited up for Joe to come home. She sighed, tears threatening to well in her eyes which made her mentally curse. Stupid baby hormones. “You made the same promise last time, I don’t think you understand that one day I may not be here. You’ve missed so much already and you will never get this time back.”

She waited for Joe to say something, anything that could save the situation and at some points she felt like he was. But he’d then swallow the words back with a bitter taste and instead just looked at her in defeat. Nothing could save Ayanna for the despair she felt and she felt stupid even having this conversation with him. Instead, she gives him one more look over, a silent plea to say something or do something but the window of time closes as soon as she opens and she ends up turning on her feet and going to bed. She kept her room door ajar, hoping he’d come and knock, give her the tight hugs he used to give her and shower her in kisses and apologies but it never happens.

Joseph himself didn’t know what to do. They had the fairytale romance all their friends envied when they were younger, he was the promising D1 football player and she was a shoe-in to be a future Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. They looked good together and spent years in their honeymoon phase, yet somehow as they grew older the fairytale had started to wear off. He looked around the room with a frown, his stomach twisting and his heart aching as he realised exactly how much effort she had put in for their anniversary dinner and in that moment he felt like a horrible person. He knew he needed to pack as he was leaving at 5AM to get a jet for Wrestlemania but a large part of him wanted to go and fix the situation. But he knew nothing could ever fix it. They promised each other that they’d never go to bed without resolving an argument but that promise got broken several times to the point of which it no longer had any weight. So instead, Joe went into the walk-in closet and packed his things, believing that there’s nothing he could do to fix the situation.

That night, for the first time in their marriage the couple slept in separate rooms. Joe in the guest room tossing and turning in his own guilt, whilst Ayanna tried her hardest to muffle her sobs in the pillow. Her tears soaked the case through and her heart shattered in the pieces.

The next morning, Ayanna woke with the worst headache. Her head was pounding so intensely it hurt to open her eyes, however she put it down to the fact she spent all night crying and didn’t sleep. She called out for Joe, hoping he’d be home still so they could make up after their argument and wish him luck tonight as no matter what she loved him and didn’t want to continue on with another argument. But as she made it to the guest room, she realised it was too late and he was already gone. Her heart splintered like fragile glass, and she wept until the well of her tears ran dry, leaving her hollow and desolate.

“Fix your face uce.” His cousin Joshua says with a nudge. Joe having a face like a slapped ass and a snappy attitude had become too common these days and the twins, Joe’s only confidants, knew exactly what was going on. They’d grown up with Joe and practically spent their whole lives with Ayanna through her association with Joe, meaning they had been privy to almost all of the couple’s relationship issues.

“He’s right, every day you walk around here with the face you used to have when my dad used to whoop us all for breaking the window with the football.” Jonathon adds on, a small chuckle escaping from his twin brother as the memory of that day flashes through him. The twins and Joseph had grown up together due to their parents living next door to one another. Rikishi, the twin’s father and Joe’s uncle would say the twins were a bad influence. However everyone who knew them knew that it was actually Joe, he always managed to get away from it all by snitching on the boys before they could save themselves. Which is what led to all of them getting chased with a broom stick as children after Joseph broke the window as they were all playing football, but instead of admitting it he blamed the twins whilst the twins blamed him so the punishment was collective.

“Are you fighting with Yana again?” Joshua asks, earning him a dirty look from both his twin brother and Joseph as the answer was the most obvious thing in the world. The two of them somehow manage to fight more than Joshua and his baby mother, and the pair of them were never even together, just a stupid one night stand.

The pair wait for Joseph to say something but it becomes more and more obvious that he has nothing to say, but the situation is clearly bothering him. Jonathan, the self-labelled “mature” one out of the twins, felt it was best to offer some advice, even if Joe didn’t ask. “Man, I don’t know what’s going on but I know you two have been together since you were both thirteen, whatever it is you’ll make it through it. You guys have always found a way.” The advice, albeit sweet, doesn't really make a difference for Joe. But thankfully he gets called for his press conference anyway so he doesn’t have to engage in the conversation further and he shifts from vulnerable ‘Joe’ to the formidable ‘Roman,’ like a Jekyll turning into Hyde, shedding his worries and fears to become the stoic, unyielding figure everyone dreads.

Joe never really cared for press conferences, however since he was the face of the company he was obligated to fulfil every duty in his contract. He was always used to giving the cookie cutter answers to the usual questions like “what are your expectations tonight?” and “how do you feel about your opponent?” However, he gets caught off guard when someone in the crowd asks "with the demands of your career, how do you balance your professional and personal life, especially with your wife expecting?" The question then places a pang of guilt in his stomach once more as he’s forced to remember their argument from last night. He really wanted to speak to her before he left but he didn’t want to wake her up and his flight was too early for him to stay. He took a thought and tried to compose an appropriate answer before taking a small breath.

“It’s a challenge, no doubt.” He began, slightly sounding defensive whilst making sure to try and make eye contact with the journalist in the crowd to make sure he appeared engaged in the topic. “But I’ve always believed that if you’re committed to something, you find a way to make it work. My family understands what this career means to me, and I make sure to be there for them as much as I can. After tonight, I’m looking forward to some quality time with them.” The words feeling hollow knowing his home life isn’t in a good place.

At home, Ayanna rubs her temples trying to quell the headache that has seemed to intensify from earlier on. She sits on the sofa, her head spinning from the pain when a sharp, twisting pain in her abdomen causes her to shift positions. “It can't be.” she mumbles, it was too early. The twins were not meant to be due yet, she had an entire plan for Joe’s mother to come down and stay in the guest room and help her for the last week of her pregnancy up until the babies hit six months, this can’t be happening. Her phone lay on the coffee table, just out of reach. She stared at it, debating whether to call Joseph or not. But he was probably in the middle of his press conference. She didn’t want to worry him—she could handle this.

She bided her time, until the pain suddenly intensified, radiating from her abdomen up to her chest. Ayanna’s breath hitched, panic creeping in as she realised something was seriously wrong. She forced herself to stand, but her legs buckled beneath her. The room spun, and she fell back onto the couch, gasping for air. She gave in and phoned Joe first, his phone going straight to voicemail as she thought before hanging up, her hands trembling as she dialled 911.“Please” she began with a gasp, struggling to even breathe, “I think something’s wrong I'm pregnant, and I—” Her voice broke off as another wave of pain hit her, harder this time as she screamed, the sound of her pained yells bouncing off the walls.

Joe, pleased with his answer to the first question, felt like he was in the clear and that would be it for the interview but then another question hit him. "There have been rumours that you were considering taking some time off after this match. Can you confirm or deny that?" The question made him feel hot under the collar, he didn’t want to give a definitive answer as Vince had already turned down his request and he didn’t want to put himself in a position that gets him in trouble. He hated it about himself and in a way he also hated Vince for putting him in this situation, however deep down he knew that he was at fault. No matter what, he was a coward and tried to avoid rocking the boat at work but all that has done is cause problems in his marriage.

He once again flashes that million dollar smile that he knew the ladies loved the most before positioning his answer. “Right now, I’m focused on tonight. Whatever comes after, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. I’ve heard the rumours, but my priority is to go out there, put on a hell of a show, and take care of business. The rest will fall into place." He was cool and composed, everything a champion should be, however, the answer in itself was very evasive. It was as though he had mastered the art of saying much while revealing nothing, leaving everyone guessing what truly lay beneath.

Ayanna’s vision blurred as she tried to focus on the operator’s voice. “Stay with me, ma’am, help is on the way,” the voice said, but Ayanna could barely hear it over the pounding in her head. She doubled over in pain, clutching her stomach as the baby kicked wildly inside her. Her thoughts were a jumble of fear and regret. She should have told Joseph—should have insisted he stay home. But it was too late now. The darkness at the edges of her vision crept closer, and she knew she was running out of time

Joe looked at the crowd, wanting to go backstage and get ready for his match, a sigh of relief leaving his body as he’s told this is the last question of the conference. "Any plans to celebrate after the match, or will you be rushing home to be with your family?”

Joe smiled, the question feeling so bittersweet as he’d love to have Ayanna in the crowd like she usually is tonight, but that isn’t the case. "We’ll see how the night goes. My family’s always been my anchor, so I’ll be getting back to them as soon as I can. But first, I’ve got to take care of business in that ring."The reporters nodded, satisfied with his answer. Joseph glanced at the time—just a few more minutes, and he could get back to his routine. But he had no idea that his world was about to shatter.

Ayanna’s strength was fading fast. She clutched her phone, the operator’s voice a distant echo in her ears. “Hold on, ma’am, the paramedics are almost there,” but Ayanna’s world was already slipping away.

The last thing she felt was the sharp pain in her head, then—darkness.

The crowd was electric as Joe stepped into the ring, his face stoic as he played with his wrists to loosen them up. The glamour and feel of Wrestlemania never gets old, but he stayed focused, his mind locked in on the match and his eyes focused on his opponent. He couldn’t afford any distractions - not tonight.

The bell rang, and he moved with precision, every punch, every kick calculated. He could feel the weight of the championship on his shoulders, the expectations of the fans, the promise he had made to himself to be the best. Minutes felt like seconds as the match intensified, the crowd on their feet, chanting his name. With a final, devastating move, Joseph pinned his opponent to the mat. The referee’s hand slapped the canvas—one, two, three.

The crowd booed as Joseph was declared the winner, his arm raised in victory, gutted that their golden boy Cody Rhodes had lost the title. The championship belt was handed to him, and he held it high, basking in the glory of the moment. For a few seconds, everything was perfect. But beneath the cheers and jeers, he felt an uneasy feeling run through him, it was almost as if his body was trying to warn him that this victory came at a price—one that would haunt him long after the spotlight dimmed.

After the match he walked backstage, sweat dripping down his face but a victorious smile plastered on his lips. Fellow wrestlers patted him on the back, congratulating him on another win, another title defence. He had done it again—proven why he was the best. But it didn’t feel the same without Ayanna there to give him a kiss and tell him how proud she was of him. He longed to have her sweet floral scent dancing though his nose, he simply missed her and he was going to make it his mission to call her immediately and apologise and make it up to her. In fact, he was going to ask Vince again for time off or just go to Hunter and get him to explain to Vince.

As he headed toward his locker room, he saw Vince stood them with a solemn expression. His heart dropped, usually if Vince looks at you like that you’ve done a terrible job and you’re about to be pulled off TV. “Joe, we need to talk,” he said, his voice tight with urgency.”

Joseph frowned, still riding the high of his victory. “What’s up, Vince? I’ve got some celebrating to do and I need to call my wife.”

Vince hesitated, his face pale. “Joe, it’s Ayanna… She had a stroke during labour. She had tried to call you as she was going into labour but you were in the press conference.”

The words were like a punch to the gut, knocking the wind out of him. “What?” he whispered, his heart plummeting. “No… no, that can’t be right.” His mind scrambled to reject what he’d just heard, clinging to disbelief as though it could keep the truth at bay.

Vince’s eyes were filled with sorrow as he continued, “I haven’t heard anything else, however I would suggest that you take the jet and go to the hospital now. We will cover you in the post match press conference.” The championship belt slipped from Joseph’s grasp, hitting the floor with a dull thud. The noise of the backstage area faded into nothingness as Joseph stood frozen, disbelief and horror washing over him.

Joseph’s heart pounds as he bursts through the hospital doors, the sounds of WrestleMania’s victory still ringing in his ears. But as he’s confronted by the white walls of the ICU, his triumph feels meaningless, distant. Joseph’s hands trembled as he pushed through the hospital doors, his mind a whirl of fear and denial. He moved as if in a trance, barely registering the people around him as he demanded to be taken to Ayanna.

“Where’s Ayanna? Where are my kids?” he demands, his voice edged with panic.

The receptionist’s eyes flickered with sorrow, looking around in desperation as she did not want to be the one to be here when the news was broken to him. Luckily for her, the doctor steps forward. “Mr. Anoa’i, I’m so sorry. Your wife suffered a massive stroke shortly after going into labour. By the time she got here, there was nothing we could do to reverse the damage. Her brain activity ceased before we could save her.”

Joseph’s breath catches, his world starting to crumble. “What… what do you mean? Where is she? Can I see her?” His voice wavered, a desperate plea for a reality that was slipping through his fingers.

The doctor hesitates, his tone measured but heavy. “We had to make a decision quickly, Mr. Anoa’i. We kept her on life support long enough to deliver the twins via emergency C-section. It was the only way to save their lives.”

For a moment, Joseph just stares, unable to comprehend the words. “You… you kept her alive just to deliver the babies?” His voice is raw with disbelief and rising fury. He couldn’t believe what was being said to him, Ayanna being reduced to a baby making machine made him feel beyond sick. They could’ve had another baby, but he could never have another Ayanna. “She wasn’t just some fucking incubator! She was my wife! She is my wife, why didn’t you save her?!”

The doctor’s eyes hold steady, though full of sympathy. “She made that decision herself. Your wife signed an advanced directive, instructing us to prioritise the babies if anything went wrong. She knew the risks and chose this course.”

The words hit Joseph like a sledgehammer. Ayanna had known this could happen and made a decision without him—a decision that had ripped her from his life. Anger surged and then ebbed away, leaving a hollow ache where it had been. He had spent his life with her, and now, learning to live without her seemed an insurmountable challenge, a cruel twist of fate.

“Where are they?” he finally whispers, his voice barely audible, eyes vacant.

One of the nurses gently guides him to the room where the newborns lie in their incubators. They’re tiny, fragile, and perfect. But as Joseph looks at them, he’s overwhelmed not with the joy he expected but with a deep, unsettling mix of sorrow and resentment. They’re here, alive and breathing, but Ayanna is gone. She sacrificed herself for them, and Joseph can’t help but feel a stab of resentment toward these tiny beings who cost him everything. He stands over the incubators, his hands shaking as he touches the glass. The twins stir slightly, their small cries echoing in the sterile room, but all Joseph feels is an unbearable, suffocating grief—and an anger he can’t reconcile. Whilst he was angry at the world, he was also mad at himself. What sick bastard resents an innocent child? He thought, trying to force the feeling out of his heart, but it was no use. He just couldn't stop himself being filled with disgust when he looked at them, especially as they both look exactly like her. It felt like some cruel punishment from the universe for his wrongdoing.

Finally, he forces himself to pick up one of the babies, holding the child close to his chest. The warmth of his newborn is supposed to bring him comfort, but instead, it feels like a weight pressing down on him, reminding him of what he’s lost. Tears blur his vision as he collapses into a nearby chair, the sound of the twins’ cries filling his ears. But instead of the joy and love he once imagined, all Joseph can feel is a hollow emptiness and a dark, creeping resentment that only deepens his guilt. The nurse gently touched his shoulder, but Joseph barely noticed. He sank into a chair, the twins still wailing in his arms, as tears streamed down his face. The world had stopped making sense. He had won the match, but in doing so, had lost everything that truly mattered, as if triumph had come at the cost of his very soul.

[st4w3]

Right Where You Left Me(??)

pairing: Five Hargreeves x (hargreeves)reader

notes: this is my first writing piece so sorry if it’s bad I’ve just been wanting to write something for the umbrella academy, if you like this then tell me if you want more or give me feedback tyy(:

btw used vanya instead of viktor since this was when they were kids just wanted to clarify that

summary: the day five left and the affect on you

When five first told you about wanting to time travel you thought he was an idiot, your father would never approve. You thought he wasn’t ready yet but he didn’t listen to you he never listened to anyone, he was always so stubborn.

Then one day at dinner, five had interrupted the silence in the room and had announced that he wanted to time travel, father had told him the same thing you had said but he of course didn’t listen to him and had stormed out the room.

You wanted to chase after him but father had looked at you with a stern look so you just looked down at your dinner and ate it.

An hour had passed by and you were started to get worried about Five wondering if he was gonna come back soon. Vanya obviously noticed as she was also worried, “hey he’ll be back soon don’t worry about him” she said trying to give you some sort of comfort.

2 hours passed, 3 hours, 5 hours and nothing of Five, you didn’t know what to do. You had gone looking for him at his favorite places where he always went to when he was sad but nothing. You were starting to become stressed out and no one knew how to comfort you.

They always knew you had a special thing for Five as you always went everywhere together so Five leaving was especially hard for you. Days had soon began to pass by and nothing was heard of Five. Your father had done nothing to look for him, he was being far too stubborn telling you, “i warned him” was all he said and you soon began to think of the worst.

“I miss him Vanya” you said as you hugged her and cried into her shoulder “what if he’s out there all by himself.” Vanya had said nothing, she didn’t want to think of the worst but it had been weeks since Five had been missing and not one trace of him. The other Hargreeves were worried but had soon started to stop thinking of him, assuming that it was better to forget then to keep thinking of him.

You and Vanya however had never stopped, you constantly still went looking for him at his favorite spots. One day you had even confused a boy for him, running after him and screaming his name but it wasn’t him. Vanya had soon started to realize how affected you were and urged you to forget but you couldn’t, you loved Five.

Vanya had soon started moving on with her life as 8 months passed by but you stilled stayed there stuck that he would soon come back.

Soon years will go by and Ben would die leaving you even more depressed than you were before. Ben’s death had took a toll of you, first Five and now Ben. You didn’t want any of your other siblings to leave you but as more years went on they soon did each and every one of them building a life for themselves.

Vanya urged you to move on and eventually you did, Five wasn’t coming back and it was time you stuck that in your head. You soon met somebody and every memory you had of Five was soon erased and was replaced by someone else. Years would go by and you soon would become a different person.

Then your dad died and you were back at your old house with your other siblings, it was nice to be back but seeing Fives picture over the fireplace would hurt you. Vanya would be there with a hand on your shoulder giving you a weak smile. You hugged her, “I missed you” and she would repeat it back. She asked about your life and you told her how you had a family now and were now happy, how even though you still missed Five he was just a memory now.

However, you soon heard loud sounds from outside and your siblings would meet out there as some sort of black hole appeared. You and your siblings would all huddle together and soon you were met with a familiar face, a small Five. He hadn’t aged one bit, he looked at you but even though he still hold that caring look towards you, things were now different. You had moved on and had your own family and you were now an adult while he stayed in his same body when he first left. You looked at him knowing things were never going to go back to things they used to be.

[suckerfordylansstuff]

New Journey (S.H.) Chapter 5 Season 4

Pairing: Steve Harrington x henderson!reader

Summary: Back to Hawkins for spring break. Y/n believed it would just be a quiet time to cherish with her loved ones, but one day in and another mess had already began.

Warnings: cursing

Notes: This chapter is slightly longer than the rest because I realized this season is going to be like... idk 15 chapters by the time I finish, so... yeah. Getting closer to the action so excited for you to see that. Enjoy this chapter and stay safe!💕

Chapter 4 << Masterlist >> Chapter 6

You arrived at Hawkins High quickly, rushing to get inside and find the rest. When you spotted Steve and the kids, you felt relief to see them alive. But that feeling was quickly replaced by dread as Steve was over Max who was lying on the floor.

“It was here. Right here.” the redhead explained to you after she got off the ground and calmed herself down. She was looking forward to a wall in front of you, searching for something that clearly wasn’t there.

“A grandfather clock?” Nancy asked.

“It was so real. And then, when I got closer, suddenly I just… I woke up.”

“It was like she was in a trance or something. Exactly what Eddie said happened to Chrissy.” Dustin’s face was filled with worry, even though he wanted to mask it. Hearing his words made you all imagine the worst about your dear friend.

“Fred and Chrissy, they both came to Miss Kelley for help. Uh, they both were having headaches, bad headaches that wouldn’t go away. And then… then the nightmares. Trouble sleeping. They’d wake up in a cold sweat. And then they started seeing things. Bad things. From their pasts. And these visions, they just… they kept on getting worse and worse, until eventually… everything ended.” Max explained to you and the girls who had missed their part of the plan.

“Vecna’s curse.” Robin stated.

“Chrissy’s headaches started a week ago. Fred’s six days ago. I’ve been having them for five days. I don’t know how long I have.” you immediately opened your mouth to argue but Max shot her hand up, stopping you before moving on “All I know is that, for Fred and Chrissy, they both died less than 24 hours after their first vision. And I just saw that goddamn clock, so… looks like I’m gonna die tomorrow.”

Before any of you could say anything, clanging began echoing through the halls. You tensed up and looked at Steve to see his next move. His eyes fell on you and without hesitation took the responsibility in his shoulders.

“Stay here.” he told all of you before picking up a lamp that was next to him, leaving the room and you behind. You knew that he was never scared to confront anything that came your way, but he also knew that none of you ever listened to him, so it was a matter of time before he heard footsteps following him.

You were right behind him, ready to assist him in any way possible. You focused on the noises, the sound of footsteps coming closer and closer to you. Steve lifted his arms and the lamp, ready to strike when he saw the intruder round the corner you were in. However, a yelp fell from your mouth the moment you saw the face before you was a familiar one. Luckily, Steve’s reflexes were quick so he stopped his movement before he could hit Lucas, who started screaming along with the rest of you.

“It’s me!” the poor boy exclaimed, his voice heavy as he panted.

“Lucas?” Nancy asked out of pure confusion.

“It’s me!”

“Jesus. What’s wrong with you, Sinclair?” Steve yelled at the kid.

“I’m sorry.” Lucas exhaled deeply, trying to find his breath.

“I could’ve taken you out with this lamp.” your boyfriend cried out, clearly shaken up over this.

“Lucas, what are you doing here?” you asked, trying to find some answers to this whole mess. Why is he here? Did he follow you?

“I’m sorry, guys. Sorry. I was… I was biking for eight miles. Give me a second.” he held up his finger to you, as he took deep breaths in and out “Shit. We’ve got a code red.”

“What?” Steve asked, the lamp now on the floor next to him.

“Dustin.” Lucas walked up to your brother “I’ve been with Jason, Patrick, and Andy, and they’ve gone like totally off the rails. They’re trying to capture Eddie, and they think you know where he is. You’re in terrible danger.” your eyes opened wide at his words.

“All right, yeah, that- that definitely sucks, but we’ve got bigger problems than Jason right now.” Dustin looked over at Max, Lucas quickly following his eyes. You watched as the boy’s face fell and the realization hit him the moment he saw the girl he loved. Something was wrong and it was far bigger than Jason.

After last night’s crazy adventure, you returned back to safety but this time you spent the night at the Wheeler’s basement. It was kind of weird being here without Mike. You kept trying to reach out to the rest in California, but the line was always busy. Dustin blamed Joyce’s new job.

So, since you couldn’t find anyone else to help, you figured it was up to you to solve this mystery. Just like old times you thought.

Nancy and Robin had talked with you early in the morning about what they were planning on doing. You nodded as you listened to the plan “Your only job right now is to inform the rest about what we found. Easy peasy.” and sure, you would have agreed with Nancy’s statement if you weren’t dealing with three boys who share three brain cells.

“Okay, be honest. Uh… You guys understand any of this?”

“No.”

“Pretty straightforward.”

You were showing Steve, Lucas and Dustin, the newspaper article you had found at the library, and your brother, being the group’s, know-it-all decided to showcase his smarts to the rest who clearly weren’t having it, especially your boyfriend. He was pacing back and forth as he read the papers in his hands, while you were sat in the armchair, the kids on the sofa next to you.

“Oh, straightforward, really?” Steve asked Dustin impatiently.

“Well, what’s confusing to you? So far, everyone Vecna has cursed has died, except for this old Victor Creel dude Nancy found. He’s the only known survivor. If anyone knows how to beat this curse, it’s him.” Dustin explained as you sat and listened to their conversation, waiting for a moment to let you explain your findings.

“Yeah, that’s assuming he was cursed, Henderson, which we don’t even know. How can Vecna have existed back in the ‘50s? It doesn’t even make sense.” Steve said, mostly to himself as he scratched his head, trying to make sense of what you told him.

“As far as we know, Eleven didn’t create the Upside Down. She opened a gate to it. The Upside Down has probably been around for thousands of years. Millions. I wouldn’t be surprised if it predated the dinosaurs.”

“Dinosaurs? Okay, what are we-” Steve was ready to argue with him when Lucas’s voice cut him off.

“Okay, okay, but if a gate didn’t exist in the ‘50s, how did Vecna get through?”

“Oh, and how’s he getting through now?” Steve pointed at Lucas, continuing on the question.

“And why now?”

“And why then? Just pops out in the ‘50s, kills one family, and he’s like, ‘Eh, I’m good’. And poof, he just disappears. Just… gone? Only to return 30 years later and start killing some random teens? No, I don’t buy it. Have you guys thought of anything?” your eyes landed on Steve when you realized he was asking you something, but you were quick to turn down his hopes over an explanation.

“Not anything that you haven’t said right now. I mean, it makes sense that this is connected to the Upside Down, you can’t explain it any other way. But how is it connected? How he came into our world now and then is something we haven’t solved. I just- I don’t know…” you sighed and shrugged your shoulders, accepting defeat.

“See, Henderson, it’s 3 to 1. Straightforward, my ass. You know, honestly, a little humility every now and then, it wouldn’t hurt you.” your eyes followed Steve who moved to sit on the armchair opposite to you, pointing his finger at Dustin.

“Sorry.” he said, but you could tell he didn’t mean it.

Silence filled you for a moment before Dustin’s interest picked up again when his eyes fell on Max “Any idea what she’s writing?” you and the rest followed his eyes and watched the said girl, hunched over the desk in the basement, writing on papers without ever stopping “Did she sleep?”

“I mean… would you?” Lucas asked him.

Just then the door at the top of the stairs opened, revealing Nancy and Robin who had just returned after perfecting the plan you had come up with.

“Okay, so… We have a plan.” Nancy announced, passing to you the 2 folders she had on her hands. After checking out their work, you handed it to the rest of the group.

“Thanks to Nancy’s newspaper minions, we are now rock-star psychology students at the University of Notre Dame.” Robin started explaining enthusiastically. She was leaning on the staircase while Nancy sat on a stool next to her.

“I’m now Ruth.”

“And I’m Rose.” Nancy and Robin told you one by one.

“Ruth?” Steve questioned as he looked over one of the folders.

“Nice GPA.” Dustin started which made Nancy smile.

“Thanks. So, we called Pennhurst Asylum, told them we’d like to speak with Victor Creel for a thesis we’re co-writing on paranoid schizophrenics-”

“To which they said no.” Robin cut in, her words making you scoff.

“Can’t imagine why.”

“But we landed a 3 o’clock with the director.” Nancy informed you.

“Now all we have to do is charm him and convince him to let us talk to Victor.” Robin continued the plan.

“And then maybe we can rid Max of this curse.” your friend’s eyes fell on Max’s figure.

“Yeah, about that? We’ve been doing our Victor Creel homework, and, uh… we got some questions.”

“Lots of questions.” Lucas agreed with Steve’s statement, to which Nancy and Robin could only nod their heads to.

“So do we. Hopefully, Victor has the answers.”

“Wait, wait, wait a second.” Steve said immediately after Nancy stopped talking. Confusion had filled his face as he pointed between the two of you “Uh… Where’s ours?” he held up one of the folder’s, chuckling as if he missed a vital piece of information.

“Steve. We’re not going.” you explained to him as a matter of fact.

And with this simple sentence, chaos erupted. You were now following behind Steve, who was following Nancy to her room to get prepared for the plan, arguing about his place in the group.

“You guys are outta your mind if you think I’m babysitting again.” Steve’s voice was loud as you stepped inside Nancy’s room.

“We need to keep them safe. What don’t you understand about that?” you argued back, your hands on your hips. Nancy was ignoring the situation as she started searching her closet.

“I know, but why does it always have to be me?” his body was now facing you, throwing his hands around with exaggeration.

Suddenly Robin came through, which pulled your attention from the arguing “Oh my God, you have a Tom Cruise poster. You have a Tom Cruise poster.” her smile was sly and aimed at Nancy who immediately got flustered.

“That’s old. It’s just. Can you please not touch anything?” you shook your head, removing yourself from that conversation, and returned to the one that mattered to you.

“Steve, what is the problem? Please, just say what you’re thinking for once.” you pleaded him, and after a moment of stuttering he pulled his thoughts together.

“I just- I can’t- I can’t do anything here to actually help. Do you feel like you’re helping?”

“Max is in danger, Steve. There is no way she’s staying here alone without an adult to help her. You don’t think that’s important?” you looked up at him. You knew you sounded like a mother scolding her child, but when he’s acting like a kid not getting his way, your behavior was called for.

“No, of course I do, but I do kind of want to get out into the field just once. You know maybe I can truly help with the asylum director. Maybe, like, turn on my charm.”

“Not the kind of charm we need.” Nancy interrupted you, which made Steve turn his head to her, a frown on his face.

“Ouch.”

“No, I just… I did a little digging last night, and it turns out this Dr. Hatch is a distinguished fellow of the American Psychiatric Association and a Harvard visiting scholar, okay? This is a lifelong student of the world, and if we’re gonna win him over, we’re gonna have to convince that him we are too. That like him, we are true academic scholars.”

“Holy shit. There’s a little ballerina in here.” Robin was once again in her own little world, making Steve scoff.

“Academic scholar? She’s giving you an academic scholar vibe? Yeah.” he said sarcastically making Nancy shrug her shoulders.

“Well, Y/n refused to join so we didn’t really have a choice.”

“You would have gone without me?” Steve whined at you.

“Did you miss the part where I said no?”

Before you could continue disagreeing, Nancy took your attention by holding up a pink dress she had pulled out of her closet “But it doesn’t matter because anyone will look the part with this…” the silence made Robin look up and stop her snooping when she realized the dress was meant for her.

“Oh, please, tell me that you’re joking?”

Steve had never felt more defeated as he sat on the couch, squished between Dustin and Lucas, trying to find something to focus on except for Max who was sitting right opposite of them, still writing.

“I know you guys are staring at me.”

“What? Sorry?”

“You said you needed something?”

“Just hanging out.”

“Yeah.”

You all told her at once, grabbing anything nearby to act as if she didn’t catch you staring at her. You busied yourself with a yo-yo that was lying on the floor.

“How do you think your eyes boring into the back of my head is protecting me from Vecna, I don’t know.” you could see from the corner of your eye that Max was now out of her sacred chair and was walking towards you, but you were still focused on the very tangled yo-yo on your hands “You can look at me now.”

You let out a breath, letting the yo-yo fall from your hands back on the floor and lifting your head to watch her from your seat on the armchair.

“For you. For you. For you. For you, and, um, you.” you frowned when she began handing each of you letters “Oh, and, um, give these to Mike, El, and Will. If you can ever get a hold of them again.” she handed the rest to Lucas. You stole a glance at the guys and began opening the letter when Max’s voice stopped you “Hey what are you doing? No, don’t. That’s not for now. Don’t open it now.”

You lifted your hands up as if you surrendered to her demands when Dustin spoke up, asking the very thing you were all thinking “Don’t. Okay. I’m sorry. What is this?”

“It’s, um… It’s a fail-safe. For after… You know if things don’t work out.” your mouth fell open after hearing her words, your defense, or better denial, walls lifted up.

“What? Max, no.” you shook your head.

“Things are gonna work out.” Lucas tried to reassure her as well, but you quickly realized that this wasn’t what she was looking for.

“No! No, I don’t need you to reassure me right now and tell me it’s all gonna work out, because people have been telling me that my entire life and it’s almost never true. I mean, of course this asshole curses me. Should’ve seen that one coming.”

You teared up at her words, because even if you didn’t want to believe it, even if you knew all of you would do anything in your power to help her and keep her safe, the Upside Down was cruel, never showing mercy. You feared that her words were true and her fate was sealed, but till anything happened you were okay with being in denial. Just for a moment.

Max’s gaze traveled along the basement, finally landing on one of the radios on the table. She grabbed it and turned to ask Dustin a question “If we go to East Hawkins, will this reach Pennhurst?”

“Of course. Yeah.”

“Wait, why are we talking about East Hawkins?” you waited for an answer to come after Steve’s question, but instead of words, Max responded with a look on her face that made you incredibly anxious “No. No. No!”

“Max, we’re not going anywhere.” you stood up, trying to stop the kids from getting ready, but before you knew it you were running after Max who had walked out the basement door and headed straight for Steve’s car.

“Max! Max. Seriously. Seriously, we’re not joking, okay? I’m not driving you anywhere.” Steve’s tone was firm, but Max’s was firmer.

“If you two think I’m going to spend what is likely the last day of my life in the armpit that is Mike Wheeler’s basement, then you’re out of your minds. So, either take me where I need to go or you’re gonna have to tie me down, which is technically kidnapping of a minor. And if I live to see another day, Steve, Y/N, I swear to God, I will prosecute.” she failed to open the car door, which made her even more frustrated “Open the door.”

“Uh, no.” Steve was assertive. You, not so much.

“I know a good lawyer.” Max glared at you. She knew you were the easy one to crack, especially when deep down you knew she was right.

“Open the car.” you told Steve, making him whip his head to stare at you.

“Y/n?”

“She scares me.” you explained and nodded towards the car, silently telling him to open it. He looked into your eyes for a second before sighing and doing as he was told.

“Henderson, that super walkie of yours better reach Pennhurst.” you got inside after he unlocked the car and placed yourself in the passenger’s seat “And you’re wondering why I wanted to go on team Pennhurst. If I’m gonna be bossed around, I would prefer it not be kids doing it.” Steve was mumbling under his breath, his words winning a chuckle out of you.

“Drive.” Max demanded.

“Fine!”

The first stop you made was to her and her mom’s trailer. It was easy to get there now since all the cop cars, ambulances, and reporters had disappeared. You waited longer than you would have liked but when you were ready to go search for her, she appeared as if out of thin air, instructing you to start the car without any explanation as to what had happened or where you were now heading.

She just kept giving you the directions as you went along your way. By the time you had realized where she was taking you, you didn’t know if it was the right choice to come here, but if this was what she felt she needed, then it was the correct one.

“I feel like I’m gonna throw up just sitting here.”

Just because it was the right choice didn’t mean it was easy for any of you. You couldn’t even imagine how Max was feeling.

“Yeah, me too. It’s been long enough.” Steve agreed with you, already taking off along with you to check on her.

“Please, just give her some time.” Lucas told you, but you wouldn’t listen, worry taking control over your body.

“I have, all right, Sinclair? I’m calling it. She wants to get a lawyer, she can.” Steve answered for the both of you.

As you walked up the mill, you began calling out for her “Max? Sweetheart, is everything okay?”

“Time to giddy up, Max, yeah?” you crouched before Max, Steve’s body a little behind you. He stood there waiting for a response from the redhead, but all he got was a gasp and a cry for help coming out of your mouth.

Vecna had Max.

That’s all you could think about. Panic filled you as you and Steve tried to snap her out of the trance he had put her in. Watching Max’s still body and her blank eyes made your insides do flips.

Steve eventually calls out for the kids to come and help. After seeing that shaking your friend’s body is unhelpful, you tell Dustin to go and quickly call Nancy and Robin, to see if they have found anything useful.

It wasn’t long before your brother returned, carrying something in his arms. He let the stuff fall to the ground, in front of Max. It was then that you realized he had brought you Max’s Walkman and some of her music.

“What is this?” Lucas questioned, unable to guess how this would help at all.

“Her song. What’s her favorite song?” Dustin asked him, his voice raised.

“Why? Why?”

“Robin said if- if she listens- It’s too much to explain right now. What’s her favorite song?” Dustin was yelling at this point, making your brain go blank.

“It’s here. It’s right here! I got it!” luckily Lucas found the tape, and passed it to Steve, who put it in her Walkman. You placed the headphones on her head and signaled for Dustin to hit play.

You waited for something to happen but still tried calling out to her. However, when her body began lifting up in the air, you all lost your voices. You stood up, your eyes never leaving her levitating body. You yelled out her name again and again, desperately trying to wake her up.

After feeling like you were screaming for an eternity, Max’s body surrendered to gravity and fell to the ground, quickly coming out of the trance scared and panicked. Lucas took her into his arms to calm her down.

“Hey, Dustin, this is Eddie the Banished. You there? Dustin, can you hear me? Dustin?”

Your eyes fluttered open when a voice interrupted your slumber. You lifted your head up, trying to focus on the voice. You were sleeping uncomfortably on one of the armchairs, while Steve was sleeping even more uncomfortably on the floor next to you, his back supported by the armchair.

It wasn't hard to let sleep take over you after the eventful day you had yesterday, but the sleep felt short, so you were cursing the person who was right now interrupting your one moment of calm.

“Earth to Dustin.” you looked around the room to locate the noise and when you realized it was coming out of the walkie-talkie, you rushed forward to answer Eddie, careful to not knock Steve’s head.

“Yeah, Eddie, it’s Y/n.” your voice was harsh, so you slightly coughed to get it back to normal.

“The other Henderson! Hey. Um, I’m gonna need a food delivery, like, really soon, unless you want me going out into the world.” Eddie told you but you shook your head at his words.

“No. No, no, no. Don’t do that. Stay there, and we’ll come as fast as we can.” you heard a groan from your right and you looked over to see Nancy waking up due to your talking. You gave her a quick smile before focusing back on Eddie’s voice.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, um… can you pick me up a six-pack? I know, it’s stupid as shit, drinking right now, but uh… cold beer would really calm my jangled nerves.”

You opened your mouth to agree with his request, but Nancy spoke up, catching your attention “Hey. Where’s Max?” your head whipped around to look at the couch Max was supposed to be sleeping on, finding it empty.

“Sure, um… I have to go…” you turned the radio off and shook your brother’s body.

“Dustin!” the boy just groaned “Wake up.”

“What?” Dustin asked, his whole body jerking him awake. In the process, his head rolled back and hit the TV making him groan again. You rolled your eyes, Nancy taking the detective role.

“Aren’t you supposed to be on Max watch?”

“Yep. Yep, yep, yep. Sorry.” Dustin rubbed his eyes, forcing himself to wake up.

“Okay, well- Then where is she?” you questioned.

“She’s right there.” Dustin answered quickly, for a moment thinking you were dumb for not seeing that Max was right there, but his eyes widened when he saw the makeshift bed empty, realizing he had screwed up “A second ago. I swear, I just dozed off for…” he checked his watched and cringed “… an hour.”

“Shit.” you exclaimed and got up to look for Max. Nancy followed behind you. Your first thought was to get out of the basement and search the entire house. Luckily you didn’t have to get more stressed, because when you entered the kitchen you saw that Max was as safe and sound as she could be at the Wheeler’s residence, sitting with Holly at the kitchen table, drawing.

“Morning, girls. Everything okay?” Karen, Nancy’s mom, asked you. She had the sweetest smile on her face. You nodded your head at her question even though it was a lie.

“Yeah. Yeah, everything’s okay.” Nancy answered her mother. Dustin was now with you after exiting the basement, looking at the breakfast Karen had prepared.

“I think it’s so sweet that you guys are sticking together like this.” the woman told you, but your attention was focused on Max who had just noticed you.

“Could try sticking together at a different house for a change.” you ignored Mr. Wheeler’s snide comment and headed over to the table, sitting opposite Max and next to Nancy.

“Hey.” the girl said after removing the headphones from her ears.

“Hi. You okay?” you asked with a soft voice.

“Just couldn’t sleep. People kept blasting music in my ears for some reason.” you both chuckled a little at her joke “But Holly let me borrow some of her crayons. We’ve been having fun, right, Holly?” the little girl hummed but was clearly not paying a lot of attention to the three of you, focusing on her own toy.

“Is this… what you saw last night?” Nancy pointed at the red drawings filling the wooden table.

“I mean, it’s supposed to be. I thought it’d be easier to draw it out than to explain it, but… not so much.”

“Is that?” Nancy couldn’t finish the question, just took the drawing in her hands. You leaned over to take a look, your eyes widening when you realized who she had drawn.

“It was like they were on display or something.” the girl could not shake the memory from her mind, seeing Chrissy and Fred’s bodies like this was unforgettable “And then there was this red fog everywhere. It was like a dream. A nightmare.” Max explained, her eyes almost distant.

“Do you think it was on purpose? Trying to scare you?” you asked her.

“With Billy? Yeah. But when I made it here… I dunno, something was different. He seemed surprised, almost.” you took a glance to your left and saw Dustin sit next to you, his plate filled with pancakes “Like he didn’t want me there.”

“Maybe you infiltrated his mind. He invaded your mind, right? Is it that big of a leap to suggest you somehow wound up in his? Like Freddie Krueger’s boiler room.” Dustin suggested and Holly’s head lifted up, his words catching her attention.

“Freddie Krueger?” the small girl questioned.

“He’s a super burned-up dude with razors for fingers. And he kills you in your dreams.” Dustin told her like it was not a big deal to say something like that to a girl.

“Dustin! Seriously?” Nancy told your brother who, after taking a look at your scolding face, realized that what he had said was wrong.

“Sorry. It’s a movie. It’s not real.” he said to Holly and quickly got back into the matter at hand “Just… think about it. What if you somehow unlocked a backdoor to Vecna’s world? Like, maybe the answer we’re looking for is…” he took one of the drawings in his hands “…somewhere in this incredibly vague drawing. God, we need Will.”

“Yeah, no shit. But I tried them all this morning and it’s the same usual busy signal.” Max complained.

Dustin placed down the paper he had grabbed and your eyes landed on it while the rest talked. Something about it felt familiar to you, and when you realized how, a gasp fell from your lips.

“Nancy?” the girl hummed at the mention of her name “Doesn’t this look like…” your finger pointed at the sketch. Nancy grabbed the paper when she saw it.

“Is this a window?” she asked Max, who nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Stained glass with roses.” you told Nancy, the gears already turning in her head.

“Yeah. See? I’m not so terrible after all.” Max said.

“Yeah, well, it helps that we’ve seen it before.” Nancy began aligning the papers to make out the image you had in your heads. She took one of the markers from the table and lined out the outlines of the house that had formed from the drawings.

“It’s pieces of a house.” Max said in realization.

“Not just any house. It’s Victor Creel’s house.” you looked at them, your words widening their eyes.

You stole a glance at Nancy, before you both got up from your seats.

“Where are you going?” Dustin asked Nancy, his mouth full of pancakes.

“Waking the others.” Nancy answered him.

You made your way back to the basement, your first stop being Steve.

“Get up. Get up. Get up.” you shook his shoulder. A groan left his lips.

“Just five more minutes.” he tried to sway your hand away, but you continued to shake him.

“Now.”

He recognized the seriousness in your voice so he opened his eyes, even if the light hurt them “Hey, what’s the matter?”

“We have a lead, so we need to go. Now!”

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[blouisparadise]

Upon request, today we have a rec list of A/B/O fics with touch deprivation! If you enjoy our rec lists and want them to continue, please be sure to like and reblog this post to help spread the word.

1) Get Nesting & Soft Knots | General Audiences | 5,714 words

Note: It is also locked and can only be read by AO3 users.

AU where Omega Louis who runs a nesting materials Youtube channel meets Alpha Harry who knits his own blankets.

2) Every Time We Touch | General Audiences | 5,806 words

Note: It is also locked and can only be read by AO3 users.

Louis laughed when he heard the term professional cuddler for the first time. His doctor let Louis laugh and then explained the purpose behind the profession and how it could help Louis. It took a few weeks but Louis finally scheduled an appointment, now all he had to do was leave his car and walk into the house.

3) Tearing Me Apart | Not Rated | 6,079 words

Louis knew his heart was breaking and there was nothing he could do about it. He knew the day his best friend finally presented as an Alpha that he was his alpha but Harry kept breaking his heart. He kept bringing random omegas into their shared apartment and Louis just cried each night with a hand over his mouth to stifle the noise. His touch deprivation was getting bad but his alpha didn't know.

4) Everything Comes Back To You | Explicit | 8,643 words

Harry and Louis are childhood best friends. What happens when Harry has to move towns just as they are starting their secondary gender presentations? What happens when fate brings them back together years later in the most unexpected of ways?

5) Night Out | Explicit | 9,741 words

Note: This fic is the prequel to fic #xx on this list. It is also locked and can only be read by AO3 users.

Symphony hall was the first place Louis had felt at home in this city, and he always had the box to himself. Until tonight. Symphony hall was the first place Louis had felt at home in this city, and he always had the box to himself. Until tonight.

6) Unfortunate Fortunes | Not Rated | 9,793 words

There are three stages of touch deprivation. Stage one is very mild, stage two leads to itchy skin and restless nights, but stage three is the worst. Omegas with stage three touch deprivation, rarely survive because the only cure for it is finding your true mate. Louis Tomlinson is an omega with stage three touch deprivation and Harry Styles is his new alpha neighbour who also happens to be a famous boxer-not that Louis knows.

7) Breathe Me In, Breathe Me Out | General Audiences | 14,263 words

Louis is drawn into a quaint candle shop in his desire to find ways to soothe himself while struggling with touch depri. It takes him two more run-ins and with the lovely alpha sales assistant, and a drop, to figure out the source of the scent that imprints upon him and calms his omega. Idiots to lovers.

8) Just Let Me | Explicit | 14,714 words

Note: This fic is locked and can only be read by AO3 users.

The party was going well. So well, Niall had already sworn undying love to one multi-tiered chocolate cake, two friendly corgi-poodle mixes, Zayn’s hair, and the entire population of Los Angeles. So well, Zayn had only laughed and ruffled Niall’s hair and not even twitched towards a cigarette. So well, nearly everyone had spilled far past the boundaries of the night’s original plans, extracting bottles of vodka from the cabinets and losing a lot of clothes. Harry had proclaimed that he was finally going to throw a small and very grownup dinner party and of course here they were three hours later, fifty people half-naked in the pool. Soon to be full-naked, if Louis had to guess. Everybody in LA loved a heated pool. Everybody loved Harry.

9) Captain Cupid | Not Rated | 15,331 words

“Right,” Niall started, finally getting the opportunity to unleash his horrible plan. “Well, as you both know, I’m an excellent matchmaker. A human Cupid. The best of the best at finding one's mate. And I’ve decided it’s time to make money doing it.” “Oh, God no,” Louis groaned, picking up his empty plate and placing it in the sink. He needed to escape as quickly as possible. Or the one where Niall enlists his friends to help start a speed dating side hustle. Things don't go as planned... or maybe they do?

10) Your Touch Is The Only Thing I Feel | Mature | 15,979 words

Liam. Liam was finally here. Louis kept his eyes closed and cuddled farther into Liam’s side, revelling in the pheromones Louis’ body desperately needed. He wasn’t sure how long Liam had been holding him, but Louis figured it had to have been at least an hour by the way his body had loosened. The need of an alpha’s touch seemed to have been temporarily lifted from his mind. Louis listened to the sounds of the pub around him. It was louder than before he had fallen asleep and he briefly wondered why Liam hadn’t just woken him to go back to their flat. “Who the fuck are you?” Louis’ eyes flew open at the sound of Niall’s voice, and the arm that had been around Louis shoulders lifted in the same instant. He missed the warmth immediately. Louis looked from Niall’s stormy face over to the person who was definitely not Liam. The alpha Liam impersonator, who smelled a lot better than the actual Liam now that Louis was alert, looked back at Louis with wide eyes and familiar furrowed brows.

11) Etched In Salt (Is A Cathedral Of The World) | Explicit | 24,417 words

Note: This fic has mentions of BH.

Louis asks for very few things in life, and they are: to solve cases, to keep bad people from doing their bad things, to get good coffee, to go home to a spacious apartment with nobody else in it, and to manage his stupid telempathy powers with minimal interference. And now he's stuck in a tiny cabin in a snowstorm in the middle of god-awful-nowhere with Harry Styles. Because of course he is. Louis asks for very few things in life, and they are: to solve cases, to keep bad people from doing their bad things, to get good coffee, to go home to a spacious apartment with nobody else in it, and to manage his stupid telempathy powers with minimal interference. And now he's stuck in a tiny cabin in a snowstorm in the middle of god-awful-nowhere with Harry Styles. Because of course he is.

12) You Go Undercover (You Cross Your Fingers) | Explicit | 25,815 words

Louis didn’t think that motherhood would be easy, but he certainly wasn’t prepared for just how challenging it would be. He also wasn't prepared for a certain alpha called Harry appearing each time he needs help until accepting is no longer a difficult thing to do.

13) Dont Know Its Lost Til You Find It | Explicit | 30,614 words

Maybe it’ll be better this way. Maybe Louis just needs to distance himself, get over his crush so Harry doesn’t have to worry about his obsessive friend who feels too much and says too little. He wonders what this girl is like. What she looks like, what conversations they had to make Harry fall for her in three days. If maybe she’s just stellar in bed. If she smells like heaven or if it’s just the fact she’s a girl. He wonders and wonders, resists the temptation to stare at the alpha, and gets exactly no work done.

14) Compass To My Soul | Teen & Up | 31,439 words

Harry Styles, alpha, is 1/4 of the perfect pack, and 1/5 of world famous boy band One Direction. He spends his time touring the world with his best friends and family. Louis Tomlinson, omega, is 1/5 of world famous boy band One Direction. He spends his time hoping his bandmates don’t notice him.

15) Here, And Where You Are. | General Audiences | 32,852 words

In a world where astrology is real and advanced, Harry finds out that Louis is his soulmate. The catch? Louis’s at the heart of a protest for omega/soulmate rights against the very case Harry is representing at court. Before they pass each other too many times, the universe takes it upon themselves to make them meet.

16) Too Young To Know | Mature | 35,412 words

Louis blinked awake and quickly wiped the tears from his eyes. This was the second morning in a row he had woken up after dreaming about Harry. “Babe, what’s wrong?” Eric asked as he held Louis tighter in his arms. Louis liked being the little spoon, except for when he’d rather be holding someone else. Which were the past two days.

17) Picking Up The Pieces | Explicit | 37,607 words

Louis returns to his hometown for the first time in ten years for his high school reunion and is faced with memories he’s long since tried to forget.

18) Give Me Love | Explicit | 41,041 words

Louis doesn't feel like a good omega, Harry doesn't remember how to be an alpha, and they figure it out together.

19) All I Want For Christmas Is You | Not Rated | 43,248 words

A Christmas AU in which a soft alpha with gorgeous green eyes and an even prettier smile moves into Louis' apartment complex and turns the omega's world upside down during his most favourite time of the year - featuring christmas decorating, christmas markets, cookies in the making, and copious amounts of mulled wine (and kisses).

20) Your Touch Shouldn't Make Me Feel Like This | Explicit | 48,883 words

Uni AU in which Alpha Harry has been in love with his omega friend for the longest time and one motorbike trip to the countryside with Louis made him realize that he could no longer hold back his feelings.

21) Hold On To Your Heart | Explicit | 54,183 words

The Proposal AU, where Louis is the no-nonsense editor in chief of one of the largest publishing houses in the country, and Harry is the unlucky assistant that gets roped into a fake engagement to prevent his boss from being deported. Things don't go as planned.

22) Your Gift is Wasted On Me | Not Rated | 54,472 words

Omega Louis has severe touch deprivation and is averse to touch. But he’s fine. Really. Alpha Harry is the new neighbor who loves to bake cookies and is very curious about the omega across the hall.

23) Lost & Found In Oblivion | Explicit | 74,779 words

Omega Louis decided to hire an alpha for his heat to ease his touch deprivation, but little did he know everything would grow into so much more.

24) Invisible String | Explicit | 84,911 words

Louis swears on his life that that man came out of literal nowhere and he thanks each lucky star for having good breaks in his car. This strange alpha also happens to be the most beautiful being Louis has laid his eyes on. For some unknown reason, the omega feels safe around the alpha. It might seem strange, but you can't always explain why or how things are the way they are. All you can really be sure of is that they happen for a reason. There's a higher power (call it what you want) that knows better and definitely knows more than you do.

25) Saving Symphony Hall | Explicit | 124,766 words

Note: This fic is a sequel to fic #xx on this list. It is also locked and can only be read by AO3 users.

“I think I have an idea,” Louis said. Slowly, and reluctantly, but with a growing sense of the inevitable. “God damnit, I think I have a really good idea.” “Oh christ, that's the problem-solving face,” Babs said. “Last time we saw that face, he sold a company.” “Wait, what?” Zayn asked. “Right place, right time,” Louis said. “Also, fuck my life,” “What?” Zayn repeated. Niall patted his hand. “I usually just roll with whatever Louis is about to do,” he said. “It’s better for us all.” “That’s the attitude,” said Louis, “I’ll tell you tomorrow. Tonight, I need to do some research. Zayn, give me your number. I’m gonna save our symphony.”

26) The Longer the Waiting the Sweeter the Kiss (It's Better My Darlin' I Promise You This) | Explicit | 160,589 words

It all started with a letter from his grandmother's Executor of the Estate. His life had been just fine in New York, he'd had a great internship, more friends than he knew what to do with, and a powerful family name to provide a million opportunities for him. But the minute he'd received that letter a desire for more was born. That was how he wound up here, stranded on the side of a dusty old road with a broken down car and a carry-on full of dreams.

Check out our other fic rec lists by category here and by title here.

[vampziry]

some things i’ve manifested using the law of assumption —note that i’ve been using it to manifest for years, i was around 8 or 9, so it’s a lot—

1- when i was 8, i remember leaving the church and going home. i really wanted to go to the mall that day because it was almost xmas eve and there’s a lot of activities in my country, i also wanted to see the big xmas tree by the electric stairs. i remember that i affirmed everyday only one affirmation, i didn’t pay attention but lately i realized that ive always been living in the end and didnt realize because my affirmation stated the desire already fulfilled. i affirmed the whole day, i even went to the backyard and looked at the sky as if i was talking with god or something similar. i started affirming around 11 am and by 5 pm my mom was getting ready and i asked her “where are you going?” and she literally told me: i received your school grades, they are all good for me so im taking you to the mall. i lived happily the whole week because i thought that was my first encounter with god or something 😂😂

2- this was in my freshman or sophomore year, i really cant remember the time really well in this one but i do remember that my friend and i had fought and i was really scared because he ignored me everyday and we used to be really close so i reminded my subconscious everyday for like 3 days straight that they were not mad, they were just dealing with stuff or busy (yeah the gaslighting 😘😘) and nah, by day 4 he talked to me again and everything was back to normal like nothing happened.

3- food. yes, the thing i manifest the most is food because i adore eating. i used to live with the assumption: my mom is bringing me chocolate/cheesecake or pizza from work today. EVERY WEEK. and it would happen, i got used to it and stopped assuming random things that had to do with food.

i cant remember any other one, dementia patient right here 🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️

as for my recent ones, ive got a bunch. im a very anxious person and tbh manifesting before was way easier than now. the pressure is killing me but i still managed to manifest stuff from 2021 to this day.

1- a boyfriend. yes, i manifested a boyfriend around april 2021. i didnt go into detail but he had everything i was looking for + he was amazing (at first ofc), he later changed and i had to start attending to therapy sessions cause i got diagnosed and im still traumatized. i forgot to script the loyalty part… so yeah he definitely did cheat and gaslit me. but he made me feel amazing while it lasted. we broke up around 2 months ago and we had 2 years together. i didnt manifest the break up, he did. which is good. the universe sent me signs cause days later after the break up i found out messages and stuff of him cheating the same week of the break up.

2- i manifested for my attachment to go away. note: im the type of person to get attached emotionally to people, i was emotionally depending on my ex, so as soon as we broke up i had a dream where somebody told me to just go out the day after and spoil myself. buy whatever i want and spend some money cause i was working so hard to buy the flight to go and see him. 4 days later when i found out he was with another person i cried in my way to work and i was feeling so well that day that i literally did my hair and makeup but it got smudged :(( but that was the last and first time i cried over him after everything was over. next day i woke up feeling positive and i suddenly let everything go. bad people eventually get what they deserve in life so i just got over it and im not attached to him or the old story anymore!!

3- i manifested new friends plus i contacted my old friends back. most of them were in bad terms with me cause i blocked them out of nowhere because of my ex, everything was so messed up but they forgave me and they are very good friends after all, they text me and hype me up every day so i cannot be more grateful :D

4- i manifested my sp :D after these 2 months i thought to myself: if that person could move on, you can too. so i did, although my sp and me are not fully prepared for a relationship rn, we’re both aware of our mutual attraction and promised to give us time until we were both fully healed 🫶🏻

5- MONEYYYYYY. yeah it sounds like im too ambitious when it comes to money but im soooo silly. i spend everything i get plus i need to pay for my own stuff at school. i dont like bothering my parents with my expenses —even though they are supposed to provide for me but i feel like a problem when i do that so—, i manifested money like 4 times this year??? first, my parents never give me more than 100 for my birthday and all of a sudden they gave me 500$??? i even posted about it my happiness was out of the roof. i went to the cinema w my friends to watch an anime movie that got released on my birthday yayayaya. later, i started working and got like 1,200 in the summertime and now i manifested more money this week TO SAVE. i literally by assuming got into the void and manifested a bag full of money. i wont stfu about it IM AMBITIOUS in a good way with money, i need to move out and start building my future (bro im still 17 😔)

6- clothes and makeup. uMmm im not a fan of makeup tbh buttttt i wanted to have some in case one day i decide to put some on, my skin has always been clear and pretty, my lashes are super long and my eyebrows are really thick so i only worry about doing a perfect lip combo. i got a box and 2 bags full of makeup <3 especially makeup of my favorite brands 😙😙😙 i also was able to buy clothes online very similar to the ones that i had on my pinterest boards ^^ but i kinda forgot to buy shoes.. BFFR 😭😭😭 ive been repeating the same 5 shoes, but im gonna buy some new ones soon!!

7- colognes and jewelry 😘😘😘😘😘 yes, im a fan of these too!! my dad gave me a box full of earrings and rings. but not any kind of earrings, LONG AND BIG EARRINGS W UNUSUAL DESIGNS just how i like them. and some cute rings w rabbit, figures, etc. the colognes smell really well!! i got the nicki minaj perfume in all versions, dior colognes and a box with like 8 different types of victoria’s sprays 🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️

8- a good school year. its only been a month but ive made friends and i find a lot of people WHO SUDDENLY KNOW ME, waving at me in the hallways and im like OH YEAH HI even tho idk who they are?? it feels so goodddddd i feel like an it girl omg 😭😭😭 and also my grades are MAGNIFIC, i got accepted in our honors program and im currently a staff cadet in our military program I DID NOT EVEN KNOW IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO ACQUIRE A HIGH RANK HERE BUT I DID ITTTT I DID ITTTT IM LEADING :D

yeah i cant remember more but thats all i’ve accomplished so far, see u dont need the void to fucking manifest 🥱🥱🥱🥱 gurllll-

[harryforvogue]

i’d DIE for the hurt/comfort trope would you pleaseee feed us some yasmine and harry hurt comfort?? like it’s even easier than for other couples because poor yasmine is hurting 80% of the time 😭😭 if you don’t wanna do it for them because it’s too obvious save the idea for another couples night please!!!

Harry eyes Yasmine holding her fork with a death grip. Normally, he’d laugh about it and ask her what's wrong, but by the way she refuses to take her eyes off her food, he thinks it’s a little more serious than that. Best not to make a joke about her wanting to kill him.

So he puts his own utensils down and waits for her to say something herself. It takes some time, but when it happens, it happens very quickly. One second Yasmine’s cutting into the steak Harry’s prepared for her, and the next, her knife and fork are clattering on the plate and she’s pressing her hands into her eyes, her shoulders shaking. "Fuck!" she whispers.

Harry immediately stands and rounds the table to get to her. “Hey.” He sits beside her, cradling her head. “Yasmine. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

She cries softly as Harry pulls her into an embrace. Despite her moodiness and frustration, it’s rare to actually see her cry. And if she does end up crying it’s out of pain. That is something Harry can handle – it’s fixable. This? This is still new territory.

“It’s okay,” he whispers, kissing her hair. “Whatever it is. We’ll do something about it.”

When she finally starts mumbling what’s bothering her, it takes him a while to piece everything together. He understands that she’s upset at herself for canceling a dinner with her friends and that it’s not the first time. And because she’s done it so many times, she thinks her friend hates her. It’s also that friend’s birthday, which makes it all the worse.

He holds her tighter, bringing his chair so close, she’s practically in his lap. “It’s not your fault,” he murmurs, resting his cheek on her head. “Oh, Yasmine. You can’t control that.”

“It’s just that she always reschedules the dinner for a weekday. If she did it on a weekend, I’d have enough time to feel better between therapy and all, but first she chose a Wednesday.” Yasmine suddenly raises her head. Harry’s heart breaks at the sight of her red eyes. “Wednesday! I need Wednesday to relax! I already hate going to work Wednesday morning, you know?”

“Yes, baby, I know,” Harry murmurs. He runs the heels of his palms over her eyes. She sniffles. "Take a breath, please."

“And then she picked Tuesday. Which is when I go to therapy.”

“Yes.”

“And then last Friday but…” she trails off.

“You went out with me that night,” he recalls.

“And she probably thinks I hate her. And this is how I lost all my other friends. I never saw them. And all my excuses were so stupid and I didn’t want to tell them what was really happening because then people treat me differently and you know I hate when people do that.”

“I know.” He cups her face, tilting it upwards. He presses a few kisses to her cheek. “But, Yasmine, like I said, this isn’t something you can control.”

“I can control it if I take like 5 Advils before I go out.”

“Which I don’t want you to do.”

“I don’t want to either but now it’s been three weeks since her birthday and I haven’t seen her and I’ve only given her excuses, and–”

Harry shakes his head. “That’s okay. You come first.”

“It’s her birthday!” Yasmine argues, tears spilling down her face again. Harry never sees her like this. It’s so difficult to look at her face. “She comes first!”

“I understand it’s her birthday,” he soothes. “But I’m also sure she wouldn’t like it if you had to leave the dinner early because you weren’t feeling well. Wouldn’t it be worse that way?”

Yasmine’s brown eyes remain glossy and utterly devastated. Her eyelashes stick to each other. “If she reschedules, Harry, I don’t think she’ll invite me.”

“Then that’s completely on her.”

She doesn't say anything, letting Harry pull her back into his chest. She wraps her arms around him and cries softly into his shoulder, Harry’s hand rubbing her back gently. 

“I hate it so much,” she says between breaths. “I hate this. I hate it all. I want to be normal and have friends again. I don't want to hurt anymore."

Harry’s jaw tightens and he closes his eyes, fearing they’ll begin to tear up as well. Her voice breaks, long hair unraveling from her usual bun, sticking to her face. He holds her tight as if he’s the glue keeping her together from breaking. She trembles in his arms, and Harry decides that he hates this feeling the most in the world. It’s as if he’s being torn apart from the inside, a brief twinge in his chest.

“Yasmine,” he whispers, pushing her hair off her face. “It won’t always be like this.” He forces himself to look down at her wet face. “Just this morning you were telling me about how much stronger you feel. How usually you get tired by 4, but recently you’ve been making it until 6. That’s progress.”

“I can’t wait for it to get better,” she says, a desperate whimper emerging from her throat. “It’s been years. I can’t take more years of this. Harry. Before you…before you it was so–” She balls her hands into fists. “I can’t do that again.”

“You can,” Harry says. He wipes her face again, his entire palm drenches with the residue. “And when you look back, you’ll see how brave you were. How strong. I tell you all the time, don’t I? You are the strongest woman I’ve ever met.” He gives her a small shake. “I can only dream of being half as strong as you.”

To his horror, Yasmine only cries harder, hiding her face again. He swears under his breath and holds her wrists, trying to see her face again.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to–! Fuck!” He pulls her back into a hug. “I’m the worst at this. I’m sorry!”

Yasmine only shakes her head, throwing her arms around his shoulders. “I love you,” she says into his neck. “And I hate you for that.”

“For what?” He clutches her so tight, she squeaks. “For loving you so bad? Unfortunately I can’t regret that. You’ll have to suffer for it, it seems.”

“For making me cry again!”

“I was trying to comfort you!”

“You did!” She sniffles, taking several deep breaths to calm herself down. Harry could stay here for days, just holding her – minus the crying of course. He could do the rest of his life without seeing a single tear shed by his baby. He wants her to laugh at him. He’ll happily take her brooding over this. He’ll even take her anger. Anything over this.

So to fix it, Harry does the only thing he knows that will make her stop crying. He dramatically clears his throat. “I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new–”

Yasmine groans, melting into his chest. “Please no.”

Their dinner has gone cold. Harry reaches for her plate, about to tell her that he’ll go reheat it for her.

Her phone on the table suddenly begins to ring. Slowly, she unwinds herself from around Harry and reaches for her phone. She returns back to him, crawling into his lap. He loves her weight on him.

“It’s her,” she whispers, panic in her eyes. “Should I pick up?”

“Yes.” Harry tucks her hair behind her ear. “Let’s hear her out.”

Yasmine nods several times, swallowing. “Yeah. Yeah. Okay.” She answers it, putting it on speaker. “Hi.”

Yasmine’s friend says, “Hi Yas! Good news. I was able to reschedule the dinner plans without being charged so how’s Friday for you? I thought before I made the new reservation that I should ask you.”

Yasmine glances up at Harry. “This Friday?”

“Yup!”

Harry smiles encouragingly and nods. He takes her hand and kisses her palm.

“Give me one second, I’m going to check my schedule.” She scrambles to put the phone on hold. Harry raises his eyebrows mid kiss.

“We made a plan to go out with your family on Friday,” Yasmine whispers, worrying her lower lip. “I can’t go to this dinner. I’d rather–”

“Baby,” Harry laughs softly, holding her chin. “Tell the bloody woman you’ll come.”

“But I promised you–”

“It doesn’t matter. I see you every day and I can’t take you away from your friends.” He runs his knuckles over her cheek. “Go on. It’s okay.”

“Will you be upset with me?”

“Not even in the slightest.”

“Will your parents?”

“No, baby, they’ll be fine.”

She swallows. Then nods. Takes a few breaths. “Hi,” she says when she unmutes the call, “that sounds great. I promise I’ll be there.”

“Great!” her friend chirps. “And hey. You can talk to me about anything, you know?”

Tears form in Yasmine’s eyes again. She pulls the phone away from her to sniffle. “Yeah.”

“I’m just assuming you’re going through something, and I want you to know that even if I can’t help you, I’ll always listen.”

Yasmine’s lower lip begins to wobble again. “Thank you.”

Harry leans in and kisses the corner of her mouth. She then softly says goodbye and ends the call. She shifts her head down and kisses Harry properly. His lips are warm, his kiss the sweetest it can be, and his arms are around her, making her the safest person in the world.

“Thank you,” she whispers against his mouth. The tears slide down her cheeks. “Thank you so much.”

Harry doesn’t have it in him to tell her off for thanking him. Instead, he lets the love he feels for her take over, and he brings her back for another kiss.

[trips2saturn]

didn’t do last week’s but here it is: TOWL EPISODE 5 SPOILERS BELOW!!!!!!!!!!!! ❤️‍🔥

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ANOTHER LEGENDARY EPISODE FOR THE TWD HISTORY BOOKS. can we get a round of applause please? 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 yes. great. perfect.

you already know what i’m about to scream about. THE RICHONNE PROPOSAL™️ HELLODHSJDHSKBDJSHSHSSBSBSJEISNS DID I NOT PREDICT IT YES OR NO. YES I DID!!!!! THE RING 😭😭😭 HIS SPEECH 😭😭😭 HIM GETTING ON ONE KNEE AND THEN SHE GETS ON HER KNEES TOO?!?1?2!$:)!/!:/& HER RESPONSE TOO?! SEDATE ME THIS IS ALL I’VE EVER WANTED. imagine thinking we haven’t won the damn lottery with this ship it’s neverrrr over for us i love them i love them so much they’re going home next episode, and we’re going to see the ring on her finger WATCH THIS SPACE ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹🥺😁

not even five minutes into the episode and i was being ambushed with both admiration and TORTUROUS PAIN. the cute little callback to 7x12 of them just being on the road, scavenging, surviving, and loving on each other was sooooo cute. rick kissing the back of mich’s hand. DOES THIS SHOW WANT ME TO DO SOMETHING VERY CATASTROPHIC BC I WILL.

BOOM. immediate anguish right after their cutie scene because what does rick do? OH RIGHT HE PULLS OUT THE PHONE OF CARL’S DRAWING AND STARES AT IT SOLEMNLY. CATASTROPHIC THOUGHTS ARE FORMING EXPONENTIALLY LITTLE TUMBLR PEOLLE 😭😭😭❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹😔😔😔😔 i can’t do this anymore no more please. i cried so hard last episode i’m tired brother

that brief scene of rick wanting to bring a gift home for rj. that’s his baby. michonne saying that he’s the brave man, and that just him coming home to them was enough. i need like three days to process this episode it was SOOOOO SOFT

“tasteful noods?” they’re idiots but they’re my idiots. i am also an idiot because just before she said that, i paused the show and read the truck and laughed out loud at the brand. i swear we’re so tethered. michonne and trips, sisters in another universe <3

im not going to sugarcoat anything. idgaf about jadis’s death. in fact, i am celebrating!!!!! will byers is NO MÁS good damn riddance.

ALSO HELLO GABRIEL? i was quite comforted to see a member of the group. those random meetups with haircut were interesting to say the least, especially the kiss because ummm was he not still dating rosita? idk idc i can’t keep up with the timelines anymore it’s not that serious unless it’s rick and michonne

also thank you GABRIEL for the wedding ring, and thanks jadis for giving it to rick. haircut was good for something in the end i guess. doesn’t matter what her ending was, i didn’t feel any reconciliation or compassion. she’s still a piece of shit who stole a great portion of rick’s life from himself and his entire family. burn in the hottest depths of hell. xo!

WAS THAT A PAINTING OF GLENN IN JADIS’S FLASHBACK? IF SO HOW AND WHY IM GENUINELY CONFUSED SOMEONE PLEASE REPLY OR DM ME ASAP

the callback to 6x10?!?!?? spearmint and baking soda?!?! I WAS IN LOVE WITH MY SONS BEST FRIEND!!!!!!!???????? danai and andy took the little richonne file in my brain and STUDIED it to make sure that they filmed every scene that i’ve ever wanted to happen to them. no source just trust me they did it

RICK GIVING MICH A BRAND NEW “M” NECKLACE OHHHHH 😔😔🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 THEYRE SO LOVEBUG. LIKE WOAH OKAY TROY AND GABRIELLA 🥺🥺🥺🥺😭❤️‍🩹 she deserves it so much! and then their kiss inside of the cabin afterwards, and them falling back onto the bed urgsjdvajdbabbs cutie pies!!!!!!!!!!!

every jadis scene pissed me off, so I won’t go into detail too much. you guys know how much i hate her. anyway, michonne using the axe to slice jadis like a cold cut… mother. love her. ALSO her rage when speaking about haircut too, yeah that was the perfect amount of dialogue that i wanted to see from her. her stealing rick’s time of seeing rj’s birth, first steps, etc. UGH. so excellent, you could feel her burning anger in her voice.

all of these callbacks throughout the episode but the best, most important and evident one was the mere fact that they’re a team again. kicking ass, and simply leading each other because that’s what they’re the best at. before any of their romance began, they were trusted confidants who worked so well side by side, and in this episode we got to see and feel the satisfaction and elation of having that back again!!!!!

i felt like i was at a drive thru restaurant ordering the entire episode. can i get some flirting, with a side of ass kicking, and ummm let me get a side of poetic, confessional yearning from rick grimes. yeah, that’ll be all.

rick telling gabriel that he wanted to marry michonne on the bridge. 🥺……. 😡 AND THEN EVERYTHING GOES TO SHIT AFTERWARDS. IMAGINE THE WORLD IF JADIS NEVER KIDNAPPED HIM. THEY WOULD HAVE FOUND HIM EVENTUALLY LIKE HE WAS RIGHT UP THE STREET?? oof — i cannot. we waited so long to hear this admirable dialogue but at what cost. it’s so sad, but at least we’re here now as michonne would say!!!!!

okay. ❤️‍🩹 there’s still so much to unpack but that’s enough out of me for the moment. brain’s still scrambled eggs. last but not least, michonne grimes is the hottest character ever. THE BOXERS?! she looked fucking amazing in every single outfit. if i were rick, i’d be kissing every inch of her neck too HELLO

don’t forget to stream the ones who live episode FIVE 5️⃣ on amc+ and don’t forget to watch it tonight on amc’s channel at 9pm!!!! ❤️‍🔥 so stoked for episode 6. it’s going to be the best one ever. it’s so hard to rank them at this point and i don’t want to either. every episode is better than the last! REAL TELEVISION IS BACK. 🫶🏼❤️‍🔥

[curioussubjects]

Feedback Fest 2024

Since everything I've read for the past 1.5 years has been pilots, all 10 of the fics here are Kara/Lee from Battlestar Galactica. I'm only listing one fic per author, so be sure to check individual author pages if you liked their style.

(go here over on @transformativeworks for more info!)

1. In the Whole World by pennyante (M, ~80K, WIP)

Summary:

The Cylons aren't quite human, and the humans haven't quite forgiven them. Political stability is less certain than ever now that the war is over: Lee Adama finds himself up for re-election, where being defeated will mean a Gemenese theocracy puppeteered by Leoben Conoy. Meanwhile, Kara Thrace has nothing but questions about her death and destiny. The only answers available come in the form of the vision of a temple, and from her hybrid/comatose husband's cryptic ramblings about a sister artifact to the Arrow of Apollo.

There's violence in the air. Civil war looms. Can Lee and Kara save each other, and keep the fledgling colony whole?

Thoughts: The best season 4 fix-it, lives in my head rent free, rewired my brain, etc. Also I've read it, like, 3 times (and I cried).

2. We're Not Friends by ninety6tears (M, ~25K)

Summary:

When two soldiers in the middle of a war can't seem to like each other, baptism by fire is apparently the natural solution. (AU in which Kara never knew Zak and first meets Lee after the fall of the colonies.)

Thoughts: I love a different first meeting AU, and this one takes pilots on a fun rivals to lovers spin that works surprisingly well. They're still very unwell about each other, though, make no mistake.

3. Artemis Rising by clairza (M, ~11K)

Summary:

The next morning Lee makes a few phone calls, and when everything has been organized and his credit card has been used for the first time in three months, and he’s had the pleasure of telling his mother that no, he has plans this week, he tracks Kara down in the quad. 

She's lying on her stomach poking sticks upright in the grass. He sits down beside her, and he can see the tension in her shoulders.

“So,” he says casually, and he’s very proud of the way his voice doesn’t shake at all. “I hear the Aegean Peninsula is nice this time of year.”

“It probably is.”

“I’ve booked a unit.”

“Where are you going with this, Lee?” Thoughts: I have a huge soft spot for fluffy academy pilots and this fic absolutely delivers. Happy baby pilots go to the beach five stars no notes.

4. An Arranged Meeting by lark_ral (E, ~11K)

Summary: Even outside of wartime, you might be surprised by the pressures our service men and women are under. The most effective among them either have, or need a release valve. Thoughts: Lee and Kara are scene partners for years, then the Cylons come. Somehow less messy than the show, but still delicious.

5. Rota by leda13 (E, ~2K)

Summary: The days are arbitrary, in space. Bereft of the guide of a planet's rotation around the sun, they live in slices of time, stealing as many as they can. Thoughts: Emotional support curtain fic of pilots sneaking around.

6. Sufficient to the Day by rachelindeed (T, ~1.5K)

Summary: At the sound of Lee’s voice, she feels her stomach twist and drop. Reluctantly, she opens her eyes and sees him come to a stop an arm’s length away, settling one elbow onto the corner of the bleacher behind her. His jacket is unbuttoned, his hair mussed, jaw ghosted with stubble, and the frakking sun is rising behind him. The look on his face is casual and fond, but he breathes as if he’s been running. Thoughts: Mandatory UB morning after fix-it...sort of. I really like this one because all I wanted was for Lee to get to Kara first. Or for him to call her bluff. This fic is both. It's not a showdown on main street like I enjoy joking about, but it's quiet and it's them (so it's better!).

7. Contrecoup by Fahye (T, ~2.2K)

Summary:

Contrecoup (n): A concussion or shock produced by a blow or other injury, in a part or region opposite to that at which the blow is received, often causing rupture or disorganisation of the parts affected. (One story told right-way-up, the other told upside-down, but both in the same narrative.)

We begin at a single point in time. The present goes forwards. The past goes backwards.

The story is AU-within-canon and set after episode 1x11, "Colonial Day."

Thoughts: I can't say too much because I don't want to spoil the fic. So: a bit angsty, a lot sweet, with a side of Kara's amazing problem-solving skills.

8. Lee's Emo Coffeehouse by haycorn (M, ~2.9K)

Summary: Lee has a bar, and sometimes Kara makes his life more interesting. Thoughts: I love cute modern AUs in general, and I love them even more when there's pining involved. There's not nearly enough of this type of fic for pilots, either! Many thanks to the author for their service. Would read 100K of this 'verse.

9. Breathing Room by callmeonetrack (M, ~12K)

Summary: Kara and Lee adjust to their new, very separate lives on the Pegasus. Badly.

Thoughts: My favorite Pegasus fic! Being on the Pegasus sucks, but then Lee and Kara find each other and things get better. Chef's kiss, peak pilots.

10. And I Feel Fine by hazellazer (M, ~2.4K)

Summary:

“That was… that… why?”

Her hands stay firmly on his face, thumb brushing over his cheek. “I was just thinking—”

Cutting her off, he smirks. “You think?”

She swats at his arm, hard enough that it might actually bruise. “I thought you were dead, Lee.” Her gaze is harsh on his, voice rasping, before something softens. “And I should’ve done this the second I knew you weren’t.” Thoughts: Season 1, but Lee and Kara are together. It's nice, refreshing, and plain good.

[convulsionofhonesty]

top 10 books of 2022

i read 50 books this year and i’m going to share my top 10 and what i loved most about them (in no particular order)

1. writers & lovers by lily king - this book legitimately changed my life by reminding me of how desperate i am to lead a creative life. there are certain books that make you want to be a writer. this is one. featuring clean-cut, economical prose that gets straight to the point, and the point is diving into one of the most compelling characters i’ve had the honor to spend a story with. i read it twice this year because i will never be ready to part with this main character.

2. last night at the telegraph club by malinda lo - this was a reread for me and i appreciated it infinitely more the second time. the vividness of the writing strikes me as a particular triumph of this work. you can feel every emotion, see and hear every setting. that and a deeply engaging narrative make it one of those books that i continue to think about constantly.

3. crush by richard siken - my favorite poetry collection i have read, and reread, both within this year. he is one of those writers that reminds you how amazing it is to be a human that can feel and say so much. sharp images, glorious repitition, and stunning formatting that has inspired much of my own adventure into the world of unique poetic structure on the page.

4. homegoing by yaa gyasi - probably one of the most ingenious books i have ever read. to this day i fail to understand how it is possible to cover so much in so few pages and not leave the reader feeling like something is missing, but she certainly does it. sweeping multi-generational story where each chapter reads like both an exquisite short story that could stand on its own and a part of the richly woven whole. phenomenal novel that i wholeheartedly believe will be a classic in the future.

5. the idiot by elif batuman - another character that weaseled her way into my brain and has never left. a plotless, indulgent, meandering character study that struck such a cord with me. i read this at the exact right time in my life and for the week that i was making my way through it, there was no distinction between the narrator and myself in my mind. i don’t know how to explain this, but i was narrating my own life through this character’s eyes. captivating.

6. piranesi by susanna clarke - an exemplary work of fantasy that explores the nuances of knowledge and gratitude, balancing expertly between critiquing the pursuit of knowledge and power and exalting wonder, curiosity, and science. a book written in journal entries which flows perfectly and never feels choppy. leaves you thinking differently about the world.

7. open water by caleb azumah nelson - a short novella you can read in a day, and you will have to, as it is so enchanting and haunting that you cannot stop. it fully took over my mind until i finished it. it features second person narration which creates an unmatched level of closeness between reader and narrator. triumphantly evocative, intimate, and precise prose. the most poetic novel(la) i've had the pleasure of reading since on earth we're briefly gorgeous.

8. the great believers by rebecca makkai - the highlight of this book is the dense prose; every sentence feels perfectly chosen and hits you just as hard as the last. there is never a break, never a breather from the stunning writing. for that reason it is a slow book to move through, but in the best way. also accomplishes using dual pov/timelines in a way that does not detract from the fluidity of the work. very heavy subject matter but imbued with hope, gratitude, and affection.

9. the starless sea by erin morgenstern - prior to reading piranesi, this was my favorite fantasy read of the year. the world is so engrossing and the formatting of the novel is unique and inventive. vivid world builidng and a meandering, cris-crossing plot that enthralls from the beginning. an ode to humanity and the interconnectedness of the stories we tell.

10. babel by r.f. kuang - a lengthy novel that is well worth the time it takes, featuring a slate of morally ambiguous young people bumping up against the limits of their social power. similarly to piranesi, it embraces curiosity, drive, passion, and learning while chastising the intrenchment of power in academia. kuang cements herself as figurehead of the historical fantasy subgenre, tapping into its full potential.

[books-and-kids]

My safe families coach (caseworker equivalent) is going to call me today to discuss the details of someone else taking Deshaun. I feel so guilty and inadequate not to be able to finish out his hosting but I can’t figure out a way to. I’m sick and not getting enough sleep, to the point that I felt lightheaded and dizzy last night, but I could grit my teeth and make it through that for 2 more weeks. The problem is work. He’s not allowed back to daycare until he tests negative and is symptom free for 5 days. That’s totally reasonable from daycare’s perspective, but he’s still coughing and very snotty so I suspect it will be many days until he meets that criteria. And while hes home I can only half-work. He needs constant access to me. I’m wearing him in the carrier for many hours each day, but he won’t accept that all day and the rest of the time he has to be near me, climbing all over my lap. If I ignore him he cries. If I try to type, he grabs at the laptop. I can take some calls, but it’s a crapshoot what his mood will be like. Yesterday I had an important external call that I had to take off camera and mic, listening to someone else explain my work while Deshaun screamed in the background.

My job has been incredibly flexible and supportive but it’s been a week (we tested positive last Thursday night) and I don’t want to push it. Right now is busy for me also — I’m leading an important project with a firm deadline based on external factors we can’t change, and it’s already behind schedule. If I don’t finish my pieces of it within the next 1-2 weeks, it won’t happen in time.

There’s just no slack. If daycare is out as the childcare option, there’s nothing left. No partner to trade off childcare with. I’m not allowed to hire a babysitter (safe families would require them to be certified, there’s no prudent parenting standard), and even if I was I can’t imagine finding someone who’d risk getting sick, and even if I could I couldn’t afford it. I have family in the area, but nobody who’d volunteer to babysit a sick child while I work. (Mostly when I hear about people with that kind of family support it’s from their mom, and my mom is dead.)

What am I missing? I know single parents exist and manage sick kids. Do they accept the need to take significant PTO and the limits that places on their ability to perform at work? Do they accept getting no sleep so they can catch up on work after the baby is asleep? I guess if I was truly committed I’d do some combination of those things. Am I a terrible person because I’m not willing to? (I should also say — my job is really important to me. I work for a nonprofit doing the most important work I can think of. In terms of helping people, my job does that more than hosting does. And, I’m in my early career and I want to build my reputation as a top performer. I know there are different considerations for different people.)

Of the three hostings I’ve done that involved daycare, all three have had kids home unexpectedly. Charlie was home for a day and played independently and it went fine. Bella was home for 7 consecutive work days and it wasn’t great, but she watched a lot of Barbie Dreamtopia and we muddled through. Now with Deshaun, today is the 5th consecutive work day (one day off and then 4 days working while also caring for him). Is that level of daytime childcare need typical in yalls experience? If I’m not able to manage it, does that mean I’m not cut out for hosting and should stop doing it?

[everytimewetouch-dot-mp3]

today has been such a good day 😭 it took forever to return my router to the wifi store, and i’ve got the worst headache + cramps combination i’ve had in a year, BUT:

tl;dr: so many good things have happened recently, and i’m trying to trust that sometimes good things happen and don’t have to be balanced out by horrible things. i’m so grateful for the good things that have happened, and i’m trying to acknowledge that i had a part in bringing them into reality

i got the keys to my new apartment, and it’s the nicest place i’ve ever lived. like i’m waiting for them to take my keys back and tell me it was a prank, obviously they’re not gonna let some WIC beans-and-rice, food stamps-raised, homeless in high school fuckhead live in such a beautiful building. but they are. they approved my cat, they’ve got my move-in fees, i’ve got the loading dock reserved for move-in day.

my new apartment isn’t infested with roaches. i cried just being in the space for the first time and feeling like. a real person. not like a shameful creature who can’t let their friends come over because of the infestation.

i got to see my best friend, the (platonic) love of my life. it’s not a rare occurrence for me to see her, since we live like 5 (soon 3!!!!) metro stops apart. and she came with me to see the apartment. she asked the questions i didn’t know to ask, and i was able to give her remote access to the building, which is as close as i can come to giving her a spare key

i got an incredible deal on a new bed. the mattress i have now has sunk in the middle and there are a few springs poking through, and it hurts so much to sleep on it. i was resigned to sleeping on my couch for a month or so while i saved to get a nice bed, because ive never had like a Nice Bed. and just idly checking wayfair, i saw a bed frame i loved that was at a $900 discount. nine hundred us dollars off. i never would’ve been able to get something like that if it was full price. and then i found a mattress that was well-reviewed and firm and also discounted. so now i’ll only be sleeping on my couch for like a week.

i was notified that they’re processing my upcoming promotion at work. it’s a $14.3k raise. that’s not a number that would ever have existed to me before, and now they’re processing it, and like. it’s real. that’s happening to me. they’re trusting me with a big like, mission-critical project and they’re increasing my pay and it’s because i earned the trust and the raise, not just because they felt bad for me???

i’m so overwhelmed. when i was a kid i thought all i could ever be was somebody’s wife and somebody’s mother. and now im neither of those things, and im loved and im safe and im finally moving out of this apartment full of shame into a place i can feel proud of.

[chaoticace2005]

Tagged from @xxqueenofdragonsxx I clicked new post instead of reblog on accident I guess and it would let me copy it over so I’m just gonna do it here:

1. Were you named after anyone? Yeah, my parents idea for my first name came from someone famous. Middle name is passed down through family (although I hate it)

2. When was the last time you cried? Hmm I don’t really know… a couple weeks ago?

3. Do you have kids? No, I might adopt in the future or smth because I figure there are a lot of people who need homes. And if I want to be a parent I can help out someone who needs it, rather than bringing a child into the world. (Also I’m aroace so reproduction is iffy.) But I’m gonna wait until I settle down with my career.

4. What sports do/have you played? I did a few seasons of soccer when I was younger (although I wasn’t super good) and I did a summer of water polo. But I’m not really doing anything right now. Although if there was a sport for napping I’d probably do well. Honestly I’ve gotten more bruised/Injured in theater though than sports.

5. Do you use sarcasm? Yes, sometimes, I try to make it obvious when I do though because a lot of the time what I say doesn’t come out right or lacks the correct tone. It can be hard for me to catch when others use it though.

6. What is the first thing you notice about people? Hmm I don’t really know? I kind of get a basic outline of their face and hair, and go from there. Although eye color can be someone that catches my attention, although that requires me to make eye contact which can be difficult sometimes.

7. What’s your eye color? Like golden brownish? Amber?

8. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings! I can’t watch horror. I already get anxious regularly, I don’t wanna make myself MORE for fun. Plus once I’m scared/set off it’s hard for me to recover, so I try to avoid stressors.

9. Any talents? I do theater sometimes, and I really like sciences.

10. Where were you born? The US

11. What are your hobbies? Reading fanfic, watching shows, puzzles, writing, walks in nature, baking.

12. Do you have any pets? 2 chihuahua mixes back with my parents, and a leopard gecko at my dorm

13. How tall are you? 5 feet. I’m short but it’s also an easy height to remember.

14. Favorite subject in school? Science! Anatomy, chemistry, biology, they’re all great!

15. Dream job? Audiologist. Working specifically to help people who may usually not have access to services and also helping to give people options when it comes to their lives. Rather than forcing a certain medical model and expectation onto them.

Tags (no pressure): @ozzersauce

[dovetart]

So, I might’ve been fired from my job because of my disability but I’m not quite sure because they’re not communicating with me.

So, long story short (not really, I accidentally wrote a lot here lmao), I got a survival job at a grocery store pushing carts. At the time I wasn’t really fully aware of just how physically disabled I was. I knew I had chronic pain and fatigue but for some reason I thought taking such a physically taxing job would be ok? Idk maybe I was thinking more of my mental disabilities, thinking it could lessen the barriers that I have with those disabilities (which it didn’t lol my mental health is always bad but it definitely got worse in a few ways while working that job). Or maybe I was just reinforcing that toxic mindset that’s been hammered into me my whole life to just ignore my pain and push through it. Like, I needed that job to be able to get off the street and get an apartment and I was so desperate I decided to ignore the fact that it would be bad for my mental and physical health.

But after working this job I finally cannot deny it anymore. I’m disabled. Which, looking back on my whole life, it should’ve been obvious because I was always struggling with pain and fatigue. I’ve never been able to have a job for a long time. I can’t stand for longer than 4 hours, even then I’m still in a lot of pain. And I don’t have a car so I still have to muster up the strength to walk back home and then pass out on my bed for the rest of the day. The only way that I have survived this far is by taking copious amounts of pain killers so then the pain in more of a dull ache that I can ignore better.

And after a really bad day of work; a coworker yelled at me because I was resting before clocking out so I could have strength to walk home after a 5 hour shift, I cried… of course… and since I was already struggling emotionally that day I went home and had a psychotic meltdown where I almost ended myself. And after that I was talking to my therapist and she agreed that I shouldn’t be working. That I should take some time off. That my life and health was more important than this job. And, me, who is already someone who doesn’t like corporate companies and (thanks of years of therapy) now knows my worth, of course agreed with that and talked with my career counselor to work things out with my job so I could take the week off. I specifically told her that I needed a week off and then after that I was planning on talking to management to try to get accommodations and then work on getting onto disability while still working so I can still have an apartment. Then after I get on disability then THATS when I would quit, y’know?

But, evidently my career counselor told them “I don’t know how long they’ll be out for” even tho I clearly told her a WEEK. And, after just a couple days, I was talking on the phone with my doctor, trying to get a permission slip to take the week off (which, unrelated, why does it take so long to get something like that when I’m in a crisis and needed it right there and then 😭) when my work called me. And since I had used up all my energy that day talking to both my therapist and doctor over the phone, I didn’t call them back.

But… erm… I wasn’t scheduled this week. And I was like “ok, maybe they got my doctors note and that’s why got off this week also.” But I haven’t been scheduled for next week either… and I usually get my schedule for the next week by now. And I’m starting to think that phone call I missed BECAUSE I WAS TALKING TO MY DOCTOR was them calling because I missed my shift that day and it might’ve been them telling me I was fired because I missed it.

And it’s starting to make me nervous because I legitimately do need money. And I’m starting to get scared that I will be homeless again. I have no where to go if something like this is happening. And I think it’d be hard to get another job especially since I now know that I legitimately can’t work because of my disabilities.

And my new social worker… omg it’s so unprofessional… I was supposed to start meeting them back in July, but I haven’t heard ANYTHING from them and it’s September now. My therapist even tried to get in contact with them, said they would contact me, but they STILL HAVEN’T!!! And it would be really nice if I could get a social worker because that would help me out a lot. Like I definitely can’t fight to get onto disability all on my own, I can barely make phone calls!

And I’m not going to lie, I don’t think my career counselor or doctor realize how bad I’m doing right now. My therapist does and it feels like she’s the one always trying to get in contact with those other "professionals" to tell them to do their jobs because what I'm going through is legitimately effecting me horribly. But, I'm too good at pretending I'm doing fine when in reality I feel like I'm dying. I think that's why I was denied disability last time, because I masked too well during my evaluation smh Feel's like no one will take me seriously when I tell them how much I struggle.

Worst part is, is that I don’t even know what physically disability I have because I’ve been undiagnosed my whole life with like everything that I have because my parents refused to take me to the doctor as much as possible and never ever let me get a therapist until I was forced to because I ran away, tried to end myself and then was sent to the hospital by the police. What sucks is that all the experiences I have had with doctors and medical environments have all been quite traumatizing and filled with medical malpractice and gaslighting, so I’m not even sure my doctor will believe me. And idk if I would even trust her. No I don’t. I don’t trust most medical professionals. In fact I have had blood tests taken with this doctor already and my results all “came back normal” so “there’s nothing wrong with me,” right? (There is definitely something going on with my body here…)

And, I’m still not sure if I’m fired or not because they don’t communicate with me. Like, no offense, but l feel like they should put more effort than just one phone call that’s easy to miss, no voicemail or anything, to tell me that I’m fired. But what else am I supposed to assume when they’ve gone radio silent on me? I’m going to wait for the end of the week to see if I do eventually get a schedule… but after that I’m for sure contacting my career counselor to figure things out and start working on getting a new job.

I’m just mad that I possibly lost a job because of something I can’t control. But a part of me isn’t that mad because that job was taking SO much from me.

Idk but I’m just going through a real shit time right now. I mean, when am I not, right lol I’ve been struggling with this my whole life, and I’m tired of fighting. Part of me thinks I would be better off dead than having to continue to try to prove to others that I’m “disabled enough” to get accommodations. I really don’t want to be homeless again. Trying hard to survive today and focus on one day at a time.

Sorry, I don’t usually make posts like this. I just needed to get this off my chest somewhere. Thanks if you read all the way through.

[animechick2015]

Anime I Watched in 2022: Part 3

21. Summertime Rendering 1,000,000/10

Anime of the year award goes to this masterpiece. This show was so severely overlooked that it should be considered a crime against humanity. This was the best time travel anime I’ve ever watched. The MC was so incredibly smart that it was such a breath of fresh air. Every time you think you understand the plot BAM something unexpected happens. Folks if you haven’t watched this as yet please, please, please give it a watch.

22. The Deer King 4/5

I know a lot of people said that this plot was predictable and the movie was bland but I absolutely loved it. The characters were so endearing that you just fell in love. The animation was stunning and the soundtrack was lovely. Also that doctor looked so much like Xie Lian that I almost cried.

23. Cyberpunk Edgerunners 3.5/5

Urghhh. *SPOILERS AHEAD* Everyone loved it. I wanted to love it. The problem was he was warned so many times about overusing his equipment to the point where I knew he wasn’t to live at the end. Even the communication between him and Lucy was so painful to watch. Their story could’ve gone so much better if they’d only communicated with each other. Props to the studio for the top class animation as well as a killer soundtrack but even that wasn’t enough to make me like this series.

24. Magi 4/5

This one has nostalgia all over it. It reminded me of the anime I looked at when I just got into anime. The characters were all so well done and the development was perfect. The plot was somewhat predictable but again nostalgia made up for it. I heard the manga gets better so I’ll definitely check that out

25. Cautious Hero 5/5

This is a perfect example of how to do a comedy anime right. You never knew where the plot was heading. The comedic timing of the FMC was just right and the jokes never got repetitive or tiresome. When you think it’s just comedy the tragic plot slaps you in the face bring you back to reality that the world is a cold dead place. But seriously everyone should watch this to understand how a comedy anime should be done.

26. The Yakuza’s Guide to Babysitting 5/5

Ahhhh this was just kawaii!!!! No more explanation needed. Just a dangerously hot guy Babysitting his boss’s daughter. Folks enjoy!

27. Yuri on Ice infinity/10

This show called me single, sad and lonely in so many different languages. I went into this one completely blind and I was hooked from the intro. I’m not kidding, when I saw the intro for the first time I burst into tears; don’t ask me why and don’t get me started about the ending. The animation in this was smooth, the storyline: gripping, the romance: superb. I heard a movie is in the works so I’m absolutely looking forward to that

28. Is It Wrong To Pick Up Girls In A Dungeon 4/5

This is where I’m reminded of my mother’s words of don’t judge a book by its cover or in this case an anime by its name. This kept showing up as a recommended for me to watch but I kept ignoring it until boredom got the best of me. While the plot was not perfect, the animation, ost and characters made up for it.

29. Romantic Killer 5/5

When I tell you that I laughed out loud with this one I sincerely mean it. Holy shit this one caught me off guard. I think this was probably the only anime I binged in one sitting; it was that good. A lot of critics said the plot was predictable but nuts to them because I had no idea what was going on. I was too busy trying to get oxygen back to my brain from laughing so much. My favorite thing about this show was that there was absolutely no ecchi scenes! Just a regular high school girl trying to live her regular reclusive life.

30. Raven of the Inner Place 5/5

I don’t know what drew me into giving this one a chance but whatever it was I’d like to thank them. This was another hidden gem for this year. A mysterious plot, intriguing characters, LOTS of angst, combined with a touch of barely there romance made a crave for more each week. I really, really hope we get another season because it’s cruel to end it where they did.