#I’m truly just a hole
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Crazy how they cut me giving him sloppy, wet, freak nasty head out of this pic.
#like bruuuhhh#I’m feral today#I’m not sorry either#like I’m climbing the walls#am I ovulating???#prob#I’m gonna throw something I swear#rafe cameron#rafe outer banks#rafe obx#I’m truly just a hole
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I would be the gayest redneck little shit.
I’d be unstoppable/j
@thescarletnargacuga I did it ✨ I didn’t know if you actually wanted to be tagged sdjh
#my stuff#tree makes an appearance#genderbend#genderbent sona#I’m aware of the irony of redneck and gay in the same sentence that’s not lost on me /hj#that’s how a was raised baybeeeee#In a log cabin with no running water but a lake full of patience and a forest full of good aim! 🦌🎣#90% of my personality would be the same#just add a dash of chaos#I’d wanna be more rambunctious#not truly harmful behaviour#but like- shooting a barely eligible sign I found in the woods full of holes with a pellet gun#tossing exploding targets into a campfire 👍🏻#drive by mooning someone#mayyyybe a lil spray paint graffiti on the side of a train#just more shenanigans#I grew up too goody goody for shenanigans and tomfoolery -v-#Also I feel like Evan would suit me I’ve always liked the name Evan#tree rambles
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t!hole may have been mined out very quickly but it was still fairly methodical right? bc of the machines? whereas f!hole is mined out slowly yes but very chaotically. which I think is very interesting for their characterisation
#squole#qsmp#i haven’t seen how t!hole was mined out sorry guys I’m just guessing#but have you Seen how felps mines his square#truly just bouncing from section to section no process there
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Chappel Roan saying she’s sad she’s demisexual and then there’s me being aroace as a whole like don’t you think I’m even more sad 😭
#not saying she’s not allowed to feel sad at all#just makes me think about myself LOL#I hate being aroace it’s like everyone’s part of a secret club I will never be a part of#and that people don’t tend to understand and if they do they never uphold that fact#like I actually have thrown up before from the concept of being in a relationship because it’s horrifying#and disgusting to me in a practical sense#like I don’t want to throw up every time I start thinking about those things I just want to be normal#and not panic like a relationship sounds like even worse than a death sentence#ppl think aroace is cute and problem free but it’s literally so uncomfortable and inconvenient when you’re in a world which a) doesn’t#understand wth aroace is b) doesn’t respect it at all c) has shit povs on what friendship is and how it can be more fulfilling than somethin#and d) how badly it impacts some ;-; like ik it sounds easy but try telling yourself omg I want to have a forever bestie#but then said forever bestie will never end up truly putting you first because they’d have a partner who will be their number one#and as usual you won’t even be second place you will be last like always#because I’ve noticed that the moment ppl get a partner suddenly they become their forever bestie role and then I can’t have that cause it#freaks me out and disgusts me all at once so I’m literally just cursed with forever feeling lonely and not meaning anywhere near as much to#someone who you wish could even look your way the way you do to them …#honestly by the day these reminders make me feel more and more aplatonic but it’ll simultaneously always feel like a hole in my heart#because apparently being aroace is like being some weird person and some freak#and not in the 𝒻𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝓎 type of connotation LMAO I mean just plain freak#and then that loneliness will always accumulate and accumulate and accumulate until I physically cannot handle it anymore or I take matters#into my own hands and just off with her head to myself LMAO#dora daily#and that is why despite aroace being cool to me it’s just not placed in an environement which makes it cool#as those assholes tend to say oh meh meh meh you never struggled girl … we’re in the 21st century every person in the lgbt community is#living the life dating who they want and being with who they want#but allegedly it is but a crime I can’t like anyone and that nobody fucking listens to me when I say I have an attraction deficit#and that they take it upon their hands to define what I’m attracted to or head canon me as whatever they are#I swear I’m not even fucking worth that shit just leave me alone 😭#I promise like if I was with somebody they will regret the day they were born by being with me LOL I am not all that in fact me being aroace#is saving them from torture ☠️ anyways ! rant over :3
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it’s so weird i’ve been a loner my whole life i need alone time or i will go crazy even if it’s people i love. i had zero problem growing away from people during covid like if anything that specific part of it was a relief to me. but lately i’ve felt this loneliness i never ever have before and it is actually tearing me apart
#also i have destroyed so many relationships/friendships bc my mental health got so bad when my parents started having health issues#like i just could not maintain ANYTHING during that period of time i was so traumatized and exhausted truly the worst period of my life#now that im starting to come out of it a little it’s like i’m just now noticing the giant fucking gaping hole of having nothing#i mean irl ofc i love my online friends but it’s no replacement for irl relationships#i want to crawl out of my skin#but the thought of trying to rekindle friendships or make new ones. especially when im still very much not doing Good. is almost equally as#bad as just being alone.#slamming the ‘go back’ button so hard it cracks i think i wld rather be overstimmed than this
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boo *exu calamity au’s your bad kids*
#riz cerrit gorgug laerryn kristen zerxus fig loquatius adaine patia & fabian nydas btw. if anyone cares#(nightmare king era cass as asmodeus… obviously w/ fig instead but ayda evandrin… ANYWAYSSS)#i can’t remember her name but that One Bitch patia & laerryn hated is kipperlily copperkettle… patia as adaine for that let’s go haters!#need to do a rewatch honestly just to Remember shit also to maybe fully flesh this out#like i have a lot of thoughts here that i could expand upon rn but i’ve forgotten SO many parts of calamity atp bc i’m not into cr &-#have only watched it fully the one time & just generally rewatched certain parts idk how many times#me trying to explain how nydas’s perspective shift with the prophecy is sooo fabian but i can’t remember literally anything: so uh… because-#fantasy high#the bad kids#listen these tags might not be saying much of anything but when i say fig gorgug ayda loquatius laerryn evandrin TRUST ME ok… it’s sooo#same w/ zerxus asmodeus kristen nk!cassandra#also thing i think is funny: purvan or whoever is tracker & trackerbees are still exes and there’s just CRAZYYYY gay tension in every scene#wait i’m sorry even more stupid idea: yk how nydas has the hodmedods? fabian has those rats that show hole. there’s truly an army of them
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[ * hmmmm. Maybe using the name Star is a good explination for how I’m feeling ]
#Random Ramblings#vent#sorta#anyways. I feel like I’m going to explode#supernova or black hole there is something emotional inside me and it would very (un)kindly like out#I have things to do though so it just. Gets to sit there.#idk#I always wish away the one real trouble in my life#as if there aren’t billions other suffering far worse#I am fortunate that I deal with things so trivial#truly I am
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Annika vent time bc im losing my mind. Im so fucking panicky rn, and when that happens, i have to go into complete shutdown mode just so i don’t start having an outward episode, bc once one of those starts, its so hard to stop (so i have to just let it eat me alive from the inside to minimize the consequences). I’ll just scream and scream forever and everything starts feeling worse & I start getting embarrassed and I start raging & then it’s game over.
however, complete shutdown mode takes a while to get into, while slipping over into a full episode can happen so quickly it makes your head spin. like the worst thing to happen when I’m fighting off an episode is for someone to try to interact with me (even just looking at me or being near me). sometimes I can manage it if it’s short and I don’t look at them that much and I can silently move on, but holy fuck the second I have to open my mouth to say something—god forBID someone asking if I’m okay, holy shit—the demons fly out.
I literally said one word—“sorry”—and i started feeling like i was falling and going blind and turning evil. it’s so fucking frustrating man I hate this life I’ve been dealt LOL
now I just have to wait for my fuckass brain to swing over to the other side…equally distressing, but whatever
#annikuh’s speakin#it’s literally real Panathir hours#and just like him I also have no idea how to deal with this effectively. At least he can stab holes in the wall#I’m petrified man i feel like I haven’t been this close to full raging in a while and it’s truly coming at the worst time possible#AUGH I HATE I HATE I HATE#IM SO SCARED IM SO MAD I HATE THIS#SUCH a bad time for my hysterical bitch disorder to act up
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new emotion unlocked it’s called tracy chapman fast car 3am breakdown
#idk if it’s just bc i havent updated this app in literally like idk 5 years or if everyone has this#but if someone likes or reblogs an old post and you click on it itll send you to your own blog and show you#your own suggested posts on your own blog but like old posts. idk i’m sure everyone can do that but anyway#everytime some random person likes a super old post i click on it then i go down these rabbit holes or reading my own posts from like 2013#or 2016 or whenever and it’s like god. it’s truly like time traveling bc i read those posts and i’m like i do not remember typing that#but i Do like i was there but was i like u know what i mean and i just get engulfed in reading my own personal posts trying to figure out#what the fuck i was complaining about that day and then i also remember how much happier i was then even though i wasnt but like idk idk.#it’s just the nostalgia bait and i know it but also is it lmao like. id go back in a heartbeat#then i read my own posts talking about my dogs and i want to die or i read about me talking about my ex and i want to die#or just anything like i’m addicted to just looking back into the past just helpless like i can’t warn this bitch about anything#that’s going to happen and she was so clueless she was sooooo naive like she couldve fixed everything and yet.#anyway yeah it’s literally 3am and i have fast car on repeat so no i’m not okay goodnight <3
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why am i sooo deeply unloveable lol
#sooo tired of people being like omg no ur not!!! whenever i say this#when it seems like absolutely no one is wants to be around me#every time i think i Do have friends they regularly hang out without me and it’s like. what am i doing wrong#i don’t even get invited to shit#i feel like ppl just talk to me bc i’m there but they don’t actually Like Me#i genuinely don’t understand how to be close to people i don’t know how to form relationships and no one ever sticks around long enough#for it to happen#i feel like such a whiny bitch but i truly don’t know what i’m doing wrong. it’s so impossible to make friends and be likeable#i need to start doing drugs again i was way more fun and interesting#i go down this same rabbit hole at least once every two months but it never gets easier lol
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#this is not a fully formed thought#but i’m just thinking that if buddie does go canon#one of the things the writers could deep dive into is#how they both have kind of complicated relationship with sex#i’ve been thinking about that post about eddie and does he know he can say no to sex#and how buck used to try to fill#heh pun not intended#an empty hole inside himself with meaningless sex#and how bothered he was that he might have not been able to please all his former partners#so i just think it would be such a good character study opportunity to have them figure out those things when it comes to their sex life#just. you know. have eddie learn that he is allowed to say no#and have buck understand that it doesn’t mean#that he failed as a partner#and that there are other forms of intimacy#that aren’t better or worse than sex but equally important#and even when you KNOW the other person#like really truly know them#you still need to communicate#because even in a commited relationship that is based on trust and love and devotion#you still can’t read your partners thoughts#and even if it’s hard at first it will make your relationship even better when you just talk#and that sex isn’t just some wordless agreement that just happens naturally when two people are attracted to each other#but it’s something that you NEED to talk about#and figure out what works best for everyone involved#i don’t know i have other thoughts about this but like i said#they’re not fully formed and i’m not able to articulate them#🤷🏻♀️
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Would yall believe me if I said the Zaa’Vadal shit might be the most unpleasant chapter I’ve ever written just bc it’s taken me SO long and I’m just like 🧍 I’m tired of this
#it’s also so far the closest in plot to the OG episodes and I’m like#eh#we know what happens#except I can’t think of a way that they truly#genuinely#want to take time out of their mission to restore the aeons#and I don’t know. who tf. would even figure out the aeons and creatures are the same thing#this was such like 1) a mess of an episode#2) an episode to introduce a conflict for April in the future#ugh#I lied it’s not close but it is like#things happen. similar beats.#like I guess Karai would figure it out but NO ONES gonna help her#bc they have OTHER SHIT GOING ON#like I’d just scrap it if it weren’t the first piece of the black hole generator they find
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what would the butterfly effect be if we went back in time and made hawkeye share the spotlight enough with trapper so wayne rogers didn’t leave m*a*s*h. like bad bad?? or just inconvenient?
#perhaps worth it??!#everyday I get closer to the end of season 3 and I’m clenching my teeth#I say nothing of mclean stevenson bc imo he gets considerable attention stories and screen time#while there are so many episodes where trapper is truly just sidekicking#such a waste!!#love how I was like hey I’ll watch mash instead of greys and my favs won’t die or leave the show lol#but re henry I did go down a rabbit hole reading about stevenson’s career#and how he hopped from show to show trying to become the main guy the star and ended up w some regrets#feeling some kind of way about it !!#you chase the big good thing but where are you running! what you had was the best things would be#it’s so horribly human 😥#mashblr#mashposting
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i’m so baffled anytime i see people with alien ocs for the avatar movies. i genuinely cannot believe that anyone who watched those movies 1) remembers literally anything from them and 2) cares enough about it make their own characters
#there are many creative works I see people making OCs for and am so ?? at the impulse to do so but avatar might be number one for that#i know i’m on the fandom websites but truly i will never understand this drive in people#like even when i Do like specific settings and their worldbuilding i almost Never touch the main plots they focus on. i’m digging#a hole into some weird corner and doing my own thing entirely. Just don’t really get self-inserts or OCs that interact with and affect#main characters/plots in major ways. like you do you but i will simply never understand you. especially if you’re making avatar ocs.
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so I think I got to that absolutely devastating thing in witch hat last night—that hurt :,)👍 literally was not expecting qifrey to wipe oru’s memory after everything the story seemed to be building up for between this hurdle for them
like….that was such an important moment for them. Oru had been so willing to help him despite qifrey become so insanely fixated on stopping the brimmed hats and….qifrey made the decision that he’d rather oru remember him as the qifrey he’s familiar with than whatever he’s become now. put me down like an old dog—that HURT
AGOKNEEEEEEEEEEEE
#QIFREY BROKEN AND ANGRY AND TROUBLED MAN THAT YOU ARE#that part DID make me cry btw. not the weeping that came later but I had to put down my phone and grieve for a bit#WITH YOUR OWN HAT QIFREY……….. WITH THE TASSEL HE GAVE U QIFREY………..#anyway now u know the full context of what I’m talking abt when I say I wanna throw myself into that tangled mess#it adds another layer to a scenario where oru shows back up w u in tow. qifrey being borderline aggressive towards u makes a lot of sense#and him taking it so hard when u and oru r more openly affectionate…….. sleeping together in Oru’s tower working together all holed away#while qifrey just. cant let himself get closer even if he wanted to so instead he lashes out at you for almost putting a spotlight on things#ask.🌧#demxnscous#ITS ALSO LIKE……… it’s not even that qifrey has changed as he grew up#he’s ALWAYS hidden this part of him#it’s been festering for so long and he’s so desperate now but it’s Always been there#I don’t think he’s necessarily putting on an act but………. I think HE thinks he is#he thinks he’s been lying to everyone he cares about his whole life. AUGHSBHDJE agonyyyyyyy#Jjdbfknef GAHHHH I went back and reread the chapter an MANNNNN he’s so scary oru looks so so scared and worried WAAAAAAAA#it kills me truly
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I do think that all people who are in a relationship should kill themselves if i’m being real
#I think people who have partners but say they’re lonely should kill themselves#people who have partners but claim they are unlovable. what a fucking disservice to your partner dickhead.#me when I have neeeever ever in my life been someone’s number one priority#me when I am incapable of expressing how I truly feel#me when I kill myself every day trying to make other people happy when in reality i’m just making everything worse#and trying to make things better for my own sake not theirs.#meeeeeee when there is a hole in my heart and I have no idea who I am and I am incapable real human connection#me when i’m a leech and cram myself into other peoples lives and problems and try to fix them just so I can feel wanted just a little bit#me when I meeeeee
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