#I’m too tired to self regulate someone take the internet away from me

[mommalosthermind]

Random thought-

Did anyone else’s friend group in high school just wake up completely batshit one day and you were just like…okay I guess this is happening, why not.

I mean. We were. A very motley bunch of deeply fucked up kids from deeply fucked up places but. Other People claim this was Abnormally Abnormal. I had no frame of reference tbf I’d never had friends before, I barely knew how to pass as Relatively Human, I didn’t even try for Socialized or Well Adjusted.

I’m remembering that one year where everyone randomly decided sailor moon Was Real, and was our friend Jess. Something something, the school was gonna blow up and they’re gonna save everyone except staff because they wanted us to wear IDs and were trying to push for uniforms. (Seriously fuck both ids and uniforms but that is not the point) And also then assigned the rest of us roles. I was small and violent so I got Saturn, which still cracks me up ngl but— what triggered this. WHO started it. Why did not a single one of us go ‘this is fine but I need you to admit we are actively choosing to role play right now. As a group. Tell me you don’t believe this is fact.’ still have no idea. Showed up at the breakfast hangout spot and everyone was like oh my god I had a dream, did you awaken as a sailor yet? I was half sure I somehow did drugs with my cereal that day. And then it. Stopped being talked about. Just as suddenly.

Can’t remember if that’s the same year half of the group suddenly also claimed to have like, vampire blood and/or be housing several people in one brain for (it’s not cheating if I’m two people) ….reasons

The funniest part of this to me, now, is that none of us knew what the fuck d&d was yet. Obviously, we should have.

Man. I wanna say that was peak ridiculousness but. I don’t think I can. It’s been like 20 years since high school, I have a long list of stupid shit. Oh my god it’d been 20 years since high school what the fuck even is time.

[toomanysurveys9]

Making a survey because I have no internet access! mixeberryvodka 1) If you had to make a six hour cross-country journey, would you rather take the train, fly or drive? How come? I would rather drive. I enjoy road trips. Flying scares me. 2) How long do your earphones tend to last before the connection goes and you have to replace them? I’ve had the ones I am currently using for YEARS. But it definitely depends how much you spend. The cheap ones I usually buy don’t last very long at all. 3) If you could dye your hair any colour in the world, assuming it would look perfect with your colouring, what would you pick and why? Maybe a dark blue. 4) Are you a fan of musicals? If you are, what ones have you seen live and which ones would you like to see? I guess so. I have seen Shrek the Musical live not too long ago because a coworker was in it and my boss bought everyone tickets.  5) If money was no object, and you could go on a two-week vacation with one other person, who would you take, where would you go and what would you get upto? I couldn’t pick one person. I would have to take both of my kids. I could not be away from them for two weeks. I would go crazy. But I would love to go to Louisiana with them to visit Leslie. I’m not sure what we would do exactly. Just a lot of kid-friendly exploring.

6) Are you someone who needs to have time alone?

I am very much an introvert, so yes. 7) What’s your opinion on couples who do literally everything together? Are you like that, or is that like one of your worst nightmares? I don’t really have one. I’m definitely not like that. Jacob and I could probably definitely do better making sure to spend more time together but he’s working two jobs (his choice). I think it’s important to have balance. 8) Have you ever had to give up something you were addicted to? Did you actually succeed? I used to engage in self-injury all the time. Jacob said I had to stop or he was gone. So I mostly stopped, at least the physically hurting myself. 9) Does your favourite food vary depending on your mood or on the time of year or anything? I would say it varies depending on my mood for sure.   10) Do you know anyone whose views/opinions are the complete opposite of yours? Do you find it hard to get on with them as a result, or can you generally ignore it and find something else to talk about? Oh, I am sure there are. In most cases, we don’t usually talk about it.  11) Have you ever had to work (or study) with someone that you really didn’t get along with? How did you deal with it (ignoring them, being nice, etc.)? I’ve worked with people like that. I’m pretty good at being civil with people, and if I can’t for whatever reason, then I just ignore them. 12) Have you ever had any problems with your wisdom teeth, or have they been taken out already? I haven’t had problems, so I still have them. 13) Which one of your senses would you miss the most if you lost it? Probably sight. I would hate to never be able to see my kids again. 14) Do you ever listen to CDs anymore? Last week I listened to a couple CDs throughout the week. Usually I just use Pandora but I just wasn’t in the mood. 15) What’s your favourite type of fast food? Is it something you eat a lot or do you try and limit it? I don’t know. Does Subway count? I don’t eat it that often usually. 16) Do you find your mood changes when you’re hungry or tired? Does eating or sleeping automatically cure your of a bad mood? It definitely does change if I’m hungry, or especially if I am tired. Those things sometimes help if they’re why I’m in a bad mood. 17) When you see cute animals, do you just wanna pick them up and cuddle them or fuss them? Yes! Although I obviously have sense to not do that if it’s a strange and/or wild animal. 18) What’s the stupidest fight you’ve ever gotten into? Did you make up with that person or did you end up losing them over it? One I remember is fighting with someone because I wouldn’t leave Jacob when his marriage fell apart on him.. Jacob and I were married and expecting Wyatt at that point. 19) Do you find yourself using people as footrests and pillows if you’re sat next to them? Not usually, no. 20) Have you ever gotten really bad travel sickness? Has this put you off travelling or going by certain modes of transport in case it happens again? Not that I can remember. 21) What’s your opinion on prostitution? Should it be legal and regulated, or is it something that needs to be gotten rid of completely? In most cases, it is not something I approve of. In a lot of cases, the people who seek these services tend to not be the best people and whatnot. Not to mention human trafficking and how often the people in this.. profession.. suffer sexual and physical abuse. I don’t know. I just feel as though it’s one of those things that would be better getting rid of completely.

22) If it was a case of prostitution or being evicted from your home, which option would you pick (assuming you’d tried everything else to make money first)? It would never come to this, but I would pick eviction. I could find my family another place to live. But there is no telling what would happen to my family or myself with prostitution. 23) What would go into your ideal sandwich? Do you eat that often or is a treat for you? Italian-style bread, turkey, pepper jack cheese, mayo, spinach, black olives, and tomato. 24) In general do you prefer modern art or more traditional art? Or do you really not care? In general, I do not have a preference. 25) If you want (or don’t want) kids, is this something you’ve always known or have you changed your mind as you’ve grown up? I’ve always known I wanted to have kids. Ever since I was very young. Just like I have always known I wanted to be a foster parent too. 26) Do you believe “once a criminal, always a criminal” or do you think that people can really change and become better? People can definitely change and become better in a lot of cases! There are definitely some that cannot, for whatever reason, though. 27) Have you ever read a quote or a poem and really connected with it? Yes. 28) What’s something that really puts you off a person (bad hygiene, whatever)? Are you willing to look past that in order to get to know them properly? Abusiveness. I am not willing to look past it. 29) Are you into piercings and tattoos? If not, do you judge people who are, and vice versa? At one point I had nine piercings and three tattoos. Now I’m down to two piercings, and still only the three tattoos. I don’t judge people with or without these things. 30) What’s your opinion on places like Seaworld? Do you think keeping whales and dolphins in such small enclosures is cruel or a necessary evil? I think it’s cruel, and I hear often about them being treated poorly. So I have never gone and have no interest to go.

[eldritchsurveys]

623.

do you ever do these surveys with your SO? we do all the time >> That’s cute. But no, Sparrow doesn’t take surveys.

have you ever totally lied or made up ridiculous answers for surveys? >> Well, I’ve made up ridiculous answers for questions I was tired of answering, or questions I didn’t have a real answer for (and was tired of skipping), but I wouldn’t consider that lying. I was just being a pill.

do animal furs upset you? >> No.

who picks the music when you're riding in the car? >> Sparrow usually plays her iPod in the car. But sometimes on long car rides we’ll alternate (like, her iPod on the way, my phone on the way back).

do you have a waste basket in your car? >> No, but that sounds like something I should put in there for Sparrow’s sake, lmao.

what's the Spanish name for your favourite food? >> ---

do you know anyone who regularly uses a bike for transportation? >> No.

do you consider audio books not really reading? >> It obviously isn’t the literal act of reading -- as in, moving your eyes over the written word -- but that doesn’t mean anything when it comes to the consumption of a story. Someone who’s listened to The Gunslinger has the same information in their mind as someone who’s read The Gunslinger. So, who the fuck cares?

strangest thing you've ever put in the trunk of a car? >> I don’t recall ever putting anything strange into a trunk.

do you carry matches or a lighter? >> I carry a lighter.

do you keep socks with a hole in them if they are your favorites? >> No. If I liked them that much, I’ll buy another pair like them. Hopefully they’re still purchaseable.

have you ever mended clothing? >> Yeah.

last time you wore clothes that were too small on you. >> Not too long ago. I don’t think I ever fully adapted to the fact that I don’t wear the same sizes I used to four years ago, and also my particular body shape really gives me trouble when trying to find bottoms that actually fit properly. It’s very frustrating (and is partly why I’m so avoidant of clothes shopping).

have you ever frightened someone on purpose. not as a tease but to seriously >> No.

have you ever had something taken away from you by airport security? >> No. I’m pretty diligent about following TSA regulations. Because I hate going through airport security, and I want to make the process as quick as possible.

what's the last wild animal you have seen? >> A whole bunch of deer in a field on the way back home on Sunday.

something you were surprised to learn about your parent's childhood? >> ---

do you store any non food items in the fridge? >> No.

have you ever told a friend you thought their parent was hot? >> No.

what was the last thing you bought from a gumball machine? how long ago was that? >> I haven’t bought anything from gumball machines in recent memory.

have you ever destroyed another person's belongings out of anger? >> Probably.

plain band aids or fun ones? >> I don’t usually use band-aids, but I like the fun ones. (We only have regular ones in the first-aid kit here, though.)

which pain killer do you use? >> Naproxen (Aleve).

have you ever used someone else's Rx med? >> Yeah.

have you ever borrowed underwear from a friend? >> No.

would you like to be part of a wedding party? >> No.

last pair of shoes you threw out and why? >> A pair of old sneakers. Because they were old and I had gotten new ones.

have you ever thrown anything up to hang on the power/phone lines? >> No. have you ever really stayed up all night to do homework? >> No. have you ever had anything stolen from you? >> Yes.

have you had your house broken into? >> No.

if you could make up one rule for all your friends, what would it be? >> ---

do you pay attention to people's posture? >> Not usually.

do you have a creepy uncle, or have a friend who has one? >> I had a creepy cousin.

alarm clock, or do you use your phone? >> I use my phone.

have you ever backed into a cactus? ouch! >> No.

do any of your relatives not have home internet? >> ---

when you get the munchies, do you want sweet or salty? >> Salty, like 98% of the time.

something you taught yourself how to do? >> Draw, write, make websites (when I did), play video games... almost everything I know how to do is self-taught.

[simplyhasanah]

Healing the Marriage Crisis (Pt 7)

Read Part 1 here.

Read Part 2 here.

Read Part 3 here.

Read Part 4 here.

Read Part 5 here.

Read Part 6 here. 

The following notes are transcripts from a lecture video here.

Question received Online: I have a friend who works in the sexual health field and she speaks of how many young Muslim men and women have distorted views of intimacy and their own sexuality and how they don’t see pleasurable intimacy as part of Muslim marriage so they seek it outside islamically condoned context. How do we as parents/elders help ourselves, our children and our youth have a healthy view of intimacy in relationships growing up and living in the context of an oversexualized and pornography centred world and when sexuality is so taboo in our Muslim circles. What is your advice for both men and women who are already impacted by this and bringing it into their marriages?

Answers:

Shaykh Walead Mosaad: Bismillahir rahmannir rahim, I think the questions that were pointed out the pertinent issues- it is a hypersexualized world out there. you know, maybe 30 years ago, when someone would actually have to go to the magazine stand and hide it under the bed and it would be something that they have to work for it to find that type of thing. Nowadays, it’s a click away. And you can put ‘incognito’ google chrome window and won’t be on your history and all that type of thing. You know, one estimate that I read a few years ago said that 75% of internet traffic is pornographic. 75%. And that something like 60-65% of males between the ages of 16-25 have seen pornography within the past week.

Moderator: And if I can jump in with a quick comment, the highest rates are in the Middle East.

Shaykh Walead Mosaad: I saw that one- I’m skeptical. Because I think- you know, Allahua’lam. I think it is an issue there but I think definitely it’s an issue everywhere wherever the highest rate maybe. So, the problem is it’s so ubiquitous, it’s everywhere. That- again we go back to the Tarbiyyah issue. So, there has to be a very strong programme of Tarbiyyah. And I think parents at early age, for the children have to set rules about their internet use and advocate that people, they shouldn’t have like the internet in their bedroom with their door room closed. That if they want to use it, it’s on full view in front of everybody else. Even the adults have to practice that as an example. And that you shouldn’t be sitting locked away in your bedroom with the internet on and the kids to see that – and they think, well, it must be okay because they’re doing it. This has led to very unhealthy expectations in terms of sexual intercourse to the degree now that many men who have been exposed to pornography over a long period of time are no longer sexually functioning and so they can’t actually “do it” except via the warped pornographic images that they’ve seen and they don’t even know how to be intimate with a real woman. This is the thing- I don’t know if there’s a pathology behind it- they made it a sort of disorder, I don’t know if we’ve reached that level but this is what is occurring in our societies. So, we have to protect ourselves first and foremost, we have to be aware that this filth is out there in some of the vile ways- you know, I’m kind of bewildered in societies here in the West that kind of talk about female empowerment and equal rights and so forth, and how vile this pornography can be. Vile perpetrators against women, disgusting things- you know, bodily functions and excretions and things of that sort and all of this depicted in pornography. If you want to read about it and just become disgusted, you can read Chris Hedges’ the Empire of Illusions and it has a whole chapter on Pornography and just how vile and disgusting the whole thing is. So, I think it’s important that we train our young men and our young women because it’s becoming an increasing issue as well that to regulate their use and imagery in general- they have to be careful about. We have now this body image issues both for men and women. Those images you see in the magazines that you see are not real. Those women actually have blemishes, their thighs are actually not that thin and this is increasing and there’s more awareness about it but still, the consciousness in one’s mind remains. So, people have unrealistic explanations about that.

So, I think if you read the books of the Fuqaha, if you read Al-Turath, the classical books, you know, I’ve read some of it and- oh my god, I can’t believe they’re talking about this. You know, they actually go into some detail and into some length about not just what’s allowed and what’s not allowed- even some of the books of Adab talked about approaches what one should do and what they shouldn’t do. You know, Shaykh Ahmad Zarruq, he talks about in his books and he’s a faqih, he’s mutasawwuf and he’s known as muhtasib ulama’ wal awliyya but he goes into certain even about sexual prowess and techniques and what should be done and not done. So, I think there’s no inherent shame in that- it’s not ‘aib, it’s not a taboo, it’s maybe become a cultural taboo. But in terms of our classical text, it’s certainly wasn’t taboo because they talked about it. I think, again going back to mentorship, it would be quite difficult for parents to be in that kind of conversation with their kids but if they had like older big brother, big sister, or that someone who’s kind of that figure in society then some awareness about this has to be obviously raised and some reasonable expectations as well. Definitely have to be part of the conversation. I think nowadays- you know, one of my close friends and teacher, Habib Ali Al-Jufri- he told me, as soon as my children hit puberty, I’m going to talk to them about this stuff. Because it’s already out there. You can’t pretend it’s not. They already know, believe it or not. You think your innocent 12-year old doesn’t know some of these words mean and you know, they do know. And so, if they’re not getting a proper kind of direction and channelling from the parents, they’re going to get it from outside. And they’re going to look for it from the outside and they’re going to google searches and all those things- inevitably the images will come and that’s the slippery slope. And that’s how it starts. 

We have to be probably more active parents than all the previous generations before us because we don’t have that like I said, community social support and we have all these things that are kind of working against us that are right in the middle of our house- it comes in via the television satellite or the line, they don’t have to go outside, they don’t have to go to New York Times Square anymore, it’s right there. So, this means we have to be more active. I know parents get tired and I know the easiest thing in the world to do is to put your kids in front of TV to get some time by yourself and then mesmerized but- it’s actually detrimental to their health. And now people are saying let the kids be creative on their own, don’t feel always that you have to keep them entertained. If the child comes say to you, I’m bored and I don’t know what to do. Don’t tell them what to do. You go find out what to do. In those moments of boredom, they’ll find something to do.

And I remember when we had our kids and we were living in Syria, and we didn’t have TV, we had nothing like entertaining in the house- the kids would do these sort of make up dramatic things and they take the cushions from the couch and they built this castle and they’re each holding a sword- they have this big scenario and they pretend and make believe. Make believe is very healthy for kids. We used to do that when we grew up. We make believe with what you see adults doing. It’s kind of the way that they learn. That’s an active way to be a child. But nowadays everything is very passive. When I was a child growing up, they had to go fetch me from outside because it’s getting too late- I was riding my bike in the woods and the dirt, and we used to live by the coast. Now, you have to beg the kids to go outside. They don’t want to go outside. They want to stay inside and watch Netflix. They want to play the games console. They don’t have an interest to go outside. Kids have to have that interaction and have a more active approach to life.

This hyper consumerism is really what’s behind the passive personality that we have and then we consume everything and we’re just passive receptors for pornography and for the latest TV show. We’re watching life go by instead of living life. So, if we start living life, it’s very hard to say to people, ‘no, don’t do this’ if we don’t have alternative. Okay, no, don’t do that, no, don’t do this. So, what do you want me to do? We have to have healthy alternatives. Again, here we go, back to the community. Once the community has healthy alternatives, kids should be learning crafts, young boys should be learning- you know, how to change a tire, how to build a table, carpentry, things like this, they should know how to slaughter an animal, skin it, these are skills that kids are supposed to learn, young boys and young girls should be learning some sort of self-defence- techniques, martial arts, even team sports, fine, but anything that is going to be more of an active thing- building skills, and they get used to the idea that ‘I have a skill or I need to build it and I need to put practice in, right, these were skills early on. Just a generation ago, oh I need to play the clarinet, I have to practice, I have to practice this, I have to practice that. But now the whole thing is like- things are just being given to you.

That Star Wars movie- the new one- where she has the lightsaber and she defeats the bad guys and she flies the millennium falcon like Han Solo couldn’t do it beforehand. Shaykh Abdul Hakim Murad was making commentary on that- he said it’s part of new scenario where everybody kind of- how did she do all that, she didn’t get trained? At least Luke Skywalker had to go to the Tatooine (which is actually in Tunis, right?) and he had to train with Yoda and he had to go through many difficult things and mentorship and “Shaykh”- and moved AND THEN, then he goes and fight Darth Vader but he gets his hands cut off anyway then he completes his tutelage with the “Shaykh” Yoda then he comes back and so forth. So, at least that was the scenarios in the ‘70s. But NOW, she, like, knows how to do everything- fly the thing all by herself so people have this idea like ‘I just have to want it’, just to go there just to grab- you know, this instant gratification, there’s no training and building things up and things like this. So, this is the life skills that have to be taught early and they can have many manifestations. You know, when the Prophet SAW said about three things to teach the kids- he told them about archery, about swimming, and he told about equestrian sport- horse riding and when I read that, I think about it, it’s not just about those three things because each one has a particular life skills teaching. If you want to become good in archery, any type of firing a weapon from a range and hit the target, there are two things that you’re looking for: accuracy and precision. So, you want to hit the bullseye, and you want to be consisting hitting the bullseye, those are two separate skills but you learn them, practice and practice, and to be consistently doing the same thing, the same way over time is what builds our skills up.

When you’re swimming, this is a completely foreign environment for you, you’re in the water. We’re not used to being in the water. We’re used to walking on land. So, you’re navigating something that is foreign to you and moving through it. But that’s a skill that you get in life, too. You navigate things that you don’t know about. And then you learn how to ride the horse. And we tell her when to go, when to stop, when to trot, when to gallop, and so forth, when to canter, all those things. This is a huge, powerful animal. And also, you’re controlling something much bigger than you in a physical aspect, which is another life skill. That thing may seem daunting, ‘I can’t possibly do that. Look at the size of that horse��. But with riyadhah and tarbiyyah, you’re making tarbiyyah of the horse, but really, it’s making tarbiyyah of you- you’re the one who’s actually learning at the same time, you have to have control of the source. So, we have to reinvigorate people’s childhoods especially from the age 7-13 that area right before puberty is critical because if we don’t work on those particular ages, this is when all the difficulties will happen once they hit puberty and they didn’t get that training in the beginning. There’s a lot more I can say but inshaAllah, another time.

Shaykh Hamdi Ben Aissa: SubhanAllah, it’s so sad, we get kids at the age of 3, 4, 5, 6, they have all the attention from their parents, from the relatives, from the society and once they’re at the age of 14, 15, suddenly they’re left alone, ignored and they have to figure out on their own. Building life skills is very, very important. I know two brothers from the same father and same mother. Both of them I love them. The difference between them is one of them has a problem with watching porn movies, consumerism and he was always asked what to do even though he is a very good man but he has this indecisiveness, not knowing how to jump. He and his brother are like day and night. What made the difference? Boxing. What made the difference? The brother was younger and he went to do boxing. And they could see boxing helped- he was mentored, he was trained, his ego was tamed- because with a coach, coach and boxing. So, he understands. He gets it very easily. The other one- if you yell a little, or if he has a challenge, he just gives up. The other brother, he will continue and he will know how to go through, etc. so, these are very important things to teach people skills. Indeed, statistically speaking, you think about all this porn movies and being addicted to that comes from qasad – the lack of the leisure time, the empty time, I would say the lack of investment, when you’re not invested in a project of building yourself or building of something, if you’re not invested, you’ll be an easy prey to be consumed and to go and consume things and to have that attitude of a consumer.

Sexuality being a taboo- we’re not meant to talk about sexuality with kids. This doesn’t mean when we say sexuality is a taboo, it shouldn’t be a taboo. Sexual problems shouldn’t be a taboo with people as Habib Al-Jufri said, when they reach puberty, when they are there- when they are exposed to these things because they’re already there. But we shouldn’t make sexuality over exposed to kids. The ideal thing is when you have kids who are not, who are never exposed to any filth and who get married young and naturally, they will find their way in that. That’s the ideal context. Like the family of habaib in Tarim, they have their kids, boys at the age of 17-18 and girls at the age of 15-16, and they have their relationship and they are mentored by the families. Why not? Because in Canada, they get their first sexual relationship and they start living together at the age of 15 and he has a girlfriend at the age of 13 and this is not rare to see today. Why not facilitate this through a marriage? And the families need to play a role that can protect our kids from that and get them married early enough before getting really exposed to that filth. But the main solution, as Shaykh Walead has pointed is to get them busy, get them involved with in a project, let them have a sense of belonging, a strong sense of belonging, let them feel that they belong to a big project, give them a higher purpose, let them have a purpose in their life, give them a sense of transcendence so they feel like all these qualities that they need to cultivate in themselves- it’s all about transcendence. Patience is about transcendence. Gratitude is about transcendence. Accepting is about transcendence. Treating others nicely is about transcendence. And also give them a nice story so they need to feel like they are part of a bigger story. He’s from a good family, he’s from this, etc. so, he needs to keep that legacy, he needs keep that story, he’s from a big and great religion, and he has a mission on earth. Being invested in something is the solution, seriously, and not being invested in just being like that- al-hamish- marginalized it you’re an easy prey to all of that.

Now after marriage, if someone is exposed to all of that and that was the question. So, the question was, how do people who are exposed to all of that and after they marriage, how do they deal with that? We are Muslims right. We believe that Allah SWT- here is a matter of faith- we try not to have accommodate that delinquency – because there are two approaches and I have seen it. First, is the Muslim activist approach- they will tell you, ‘You know what? Let us accommodate the delinquency, let us accommodate the sickness. So, yes, you have to put yourself out there, sister, you have to make up for your husband. You have to go and buy this- you have to compete with prostitutes, basically.’ Right, we’ll say it like that in that plain way. You have to go and buy that ugly underwear, and buy ugly makeup, and you have to watch movies and learn how to do like these people because otherwise your husband will be looking for that elsewhere and you’ll be responsible for that. Yes, there are discourses there in the masajid and imams would say that to their people. And the blame is always on our sister because in the beginning she’s wearing makeup and she’s taking care of her body. After she has a child, she’s not taking care of herself, she’s no longer going to the gym, she’s not setting her hair, makeup, etc. NO. This solution is not to accommodate delinquency because it’s nafs, it’s whims and desires. It’s black hole. The more you give it, the more it will demand. The more you feed into it- and after porn movies, after that homosexuality will come, it’s like that, after the soft drug, there is the hard drug, after the soft sex, there is the hard sex, and they will ask for more and more and more. The more you feed into the delinquency, the more delinquency will grow. It’s a body- it’s something within you and it will ask for more food. The approach is not that. Wallahua’alam. We have to really, there- faith comes. Allah SWT is able to purify what we cannot purify. Go with the true tawbat to Allah SWT. Let us invest our faith. Islam is not a burden. It’s a liberation. And Islam is a treasure. Let us get some benefit out of it. We are carrying Islam, we are defending Islam, we are suffering because of this Islam, let us try to get some of it, let us to get, to invest it, to benefit from it, really. It has many solutions to our life. Faith is not a burden. It’s a real thing! When you know Allah SWT is able! Able to make you forget all of that- even if you are addicted. 

Two things for someone who has problems of addiction. He needs two pillars, two legs that you need to walk on: 1) to know that Allah is Able to help you, 2) do not justify your mistakes- close the doors! Don’t say, “Yeah, it’s better than zina. To save myself from zina, I found myself watching porn movies or something like that’ which is worse than zina- mental health. I’m waiting for muftis with courage to tell you- even in shari’ah legal speaking- is actually worse than zina. But we have psychologists who can tell you that watching porn movies is way more harmful than getting into an unhealthy physical relationship. Watching something in virtual screen affects you more. Actually, watching a war movie leaves you with traumas more than the physical wars- it traumatized the brain. This is known scientifically- something filthy like that, with that big image, etc. and people being abused and oppressed in that business- you know, these are girls who are acting there- their passports and their IDs are taken from them- they are held hostages, and they were given drugs and are addicted to it- after that, they won’t give them shots until they come and do what they asked them to do. And you, Mr Muslim and brother, reading the Qur’an and you go and watch that? Go to hell. You are going to hell, absolutely. You will burn there. You pray, you don’t pray. You fast, you don’t fast. You have to hear this: You are abusing them and will be asked. Zina with one girl is better than abusing 100 and more girls. Every movie you watched, you are promoting it- you are making it more popular online, you are encouraging that business. What are your ethics? So, may Allah SWT protect us ala kulli hal. So, it comes from that lack of manhood, lack of investment, in the solution after marriage when make tawbah. Make tawbah. We have to make real tawbah. 

I have known people, physical beings. I have studied with them and we have known each other when we were together at the university. They have come to me and declared that they were homosexuals and they acted on their homosexuality. Okay, now that they are the best fathers I have ever met, seriously, and everything was washed (they made tawbah). And I’m coming from a position that homosexuality is a sexual delinquency like porn movies. So, it’s something like that. It comes from the same thing. It comes from whims, emptiness, etc. I have known people who were addicted to porn movies before, I know prostitutes and now they have beautiful lives. Allah SWT can bring dead things back to life. So, let us ask Him, Al-Muhyi and with mentorship, it’s not too late for yourselves to invest yourself, go and busy yourself with something good. It’s not too late. Do your jihad. You have invest yourself in something, and khalas, get out of this whims and desires and become a man. Man up! Become a woman. Become mature. It’s not too late. And that’s it. And that jahiliyyah will become just childishness and let us transform being a Muslim from a burden. Let us have an asset, just be a man of God- it’s a privilege. You can pray. You have the One that can actually change the heart. Let us think, invest and meditate on that relationship. It will transform everything. That’s the elixir. Get ourselves out of our bubble and invest in a bigger cause and you see it will heal us. May Allah SWT protect us.

Ustadha Shehnaz Karim: I just want to recommend a website in answer to this question and talks about a lot of matters of marriages called www.marriageinfaith.com. It has some articles that relate to this topic. I think it’s a very question that was asked. I think we’ve left a void definitely in terms of talking about intimacy and into that void has come whatever else is out there- it’s just filled the void- whatever else that we see in society around us and that tends to be all influenced by pornography even in society here because there wasn’t a strong religious framework to support people because Christianity and Judaism – in the way they were expressed anyway- such a negative relationship with this aspect of life. And so, I think that it’s really important to have a mentor who can speak of this matter in a spiritual way. Every single aspect of a Muslim’s life has to be spiritual. There’s no such thing as something that’s only for pleasure. If you just look at the matter of eating and you want to compare the two. You need to eat and eating can be pleasurable but above all, it has to be an active worship. There’s a way to begin it, there’s a way to end it, there’s a way to engage in it. Just because it is halal, technically speaking, for me to take this cup and pour it all over my face or to go and lick it like a dog doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing to do. We have to be very careful about that because we kind of giggle when we tell people- and I remember being a teenager going to retreats and camps and stuffs like that for teenagers and it’s all like - ‘Once you get married, you can do whatever you want’ - that’s not true. It’s not a free for all. God is still watching us. We still have Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam who was married and we only have to think about how he must have engaged in that to understand that it’s a holy thing. And as soon as you reduce it to consuming person or making it how the other person looks, or what they can do for you. You’ve become very selfish in the process. And it’s as if you’re engaging with your own self. The other person might as well be a doll.

People are really having intimacy with their own selves only today. They have no thought of the other person. They have no thought for the understanding that this is building something together. That even your physical relationship- even in our Western society, it’s called making love- it’s not called just using someone to get your thrills out of them because as Shaykh Hamdi said, thrills get old and you need something new after that. If we treat food in that way, we get sick and tired of the same old nutritional, nourishing food. We want to get new “highs” – there are people like that. There are people who want to eat for example, monkey brains, they want to try snakes because it’s not enough anymore to have just a healthy meal. Because they’re looking for a new kick all the time. So, we have to be very careful how we approach this. And we have to recognize that this is something spiritual above all. And like I said, look at this website and it has very good articles, it’s drawing on other sacred traditions that were untouched so far by Western paradigm of pornography such as old Hindu traditions and other ancient traditions that referred to this aspect of life which are about the spiritual content of it and the spiritual meaning of it and how to understand that it’s about energy, a shared energy and it’s not about how the person looks. So, we remove ourselves hopefully from this very childish and ridiculous level of discourse that we find inside marriages that unfortunately we get exposed to because people come and tell us about how pained they are about how their spouse chooses to speak to them about this where people are saying that that’s my right: ‘It’s my right that you dye your hair everyday because you need variety.’ And this kind of ugly discourse where you know, outside you’re a person of God, you have a beard and you attend the Masjid and inside, you’re worse than even her colleague at work. And it really has come to that. There are many non-Muslim men who have far higher moral integrity in treating their partner and honouring her and accepting her and loving her exactly as she is than men coming from ‘religious’ home where they talk down to their wives, they threatened her that they’re going to marry someone else, and they think they have a right within Islam to speak to her like that. This is ABUSE and it has to end. We have to stop this contradiction of “Oh yeah, we dress so nicely but on the side, we like to do this and that- behind closed doors, we’re also consumers of Victoria Secret and La Senza. BE CAREFUL. There’s a way to do everything. There’s a beautiful way to do everything and it robs nothing from the experience, it actually enhances the experience when you understand that modesty obtains no matter where you are no matter what you’re doing- it even follows us into the bathroom – how can you think that it won’t follow you into this relationship? It doesn’t even make sense. Just think about it. So, there’s a lot of guidance on this and it’s very important that we address this because people feel very dehumanized when they’re reduced to just objects for somebody else’s pleasures. It’s not about pleasure above all. It’s about LOVE. And so, we have to really take care of that and be willing to explore that in there and no one loses in that experience, no one loses. No one is going to be denied- many husbands, ‘Oh, I won’t get what I want.’ It’s not the case. Every time you reach for a higher meaning, you’re actually are more fulfilled by the experience.  

End of Lecture.

[our-dailyimpact]

7 Tips to Make a Positive Change in Your Life

1. Make a detailed listing Of everything you're upset With for your lifestyles

You may fix a hassle, in case you don’t know what the problem is.  So step one in reworking your lifestyles is to turn out to be crystal clean approximately what the problem areas are.  What are you unhappy with exactly?

Here's a list of possibilities to get you began.

Bodily nicely-being Sleep/strength ranges Workout Food plan Stress tiers Mental well-being Tension Depression Other Relationships Enormous different Children Prolonged circle of relatives Friendships Work The form of paintings you are doing The vicinity in which you work The people you are working with How an awful lot of cash you are making Pastimes & interests What you do for fun How much time you need to dedicate in your pursuits Where You stay Metropolis/city Neighborhood Your rental or house If these prompts don’t get your wheels turning – in case you simply have a vague feeling which you are unhappy, but you aren't sure why – then work on #2 first and come again to this step.

2. Create A imaginative and prescient Of Your ideal existence

You'll by no means be able to construct the type of existence you want to stay in case you don’t know what that existence is like.  So the following step is to figure out what exactly you want and create an in-depth vision of your best lifestyles.

How do you want to experience?  What do you want to do?  Who do you need to be with?

In order to finish this step successfully, here are some matters to maintain in mind:

Self-focus is key You need to find your real self.  You need to turn out to be aware of your genuine options, your character tendencies, your strengths, and your weaknesses.  This is the most effective way to create a lifestyle that may be a suitable suit for the particular character that is YOU. That is approximately What YOU need The handiest manner to create a lifestyle that you are satisfied with is to focus on what YOU need from life.  Permit pass of other humans’ expectancies from you or for you.  Allow pass of what you have got been taught you must want and discern out what you truly want. Liking something In principle is not the same as Liking something In practice Liking the idea of something, isn't similar to honestly playing it.  Given my interest in psychology and supporting humans, I just like the concept of being a therapist, but I understand that in practice interacting with humans all day long would be way too onerous for an especially sensitive introvert like me. Admiring a person Doesn’t imply you'll Be glad residing Their lifestyles We can have great regard for some people and admire what they are doing with their lives, however, recognize that we might be miserable dwelling their lives. Settling Will placed You proper again To where You began You need to change your existence, due to the fact you're sad with it as it stands.  In order you create your imaginative and prescient, let move of self-imposed obstacles with a view to depart you settling for just a specific style of sad.  Let move of “normal”.  Allow cross of “affordable”.  Permit yourself intention high.  Permit yourself a dream. You're Allowed To keep Adjusting Your imaginative and prescient As people, we are converting, growing, and growing all the time.  We are constantly learning new things about ourselves and the world.  Don’t be afraid to preserve direction correcting and adjusting your imaginative and prescient, as doorways open to opportunities you didn’t even recognize existed earlier than. Exercises And Articles For Brainstorming Your best lifestyles For greater help with creating an imaginative and prescient in your ideal existence, test out the Self Discovery phase of my internet site.

3. Placed The existence regions To Be modified Into precedence Order

You genuinely CAN exchange your complete life, however you couldn't trade your complete existence overnight.  Every time I have attempted to put into effect too many adjustments right away or on every occasion I have tried to gain too much in too short of a period of time, I've ended up proper lower back in square one: beaten, stressed out, and sad.

So positioned the problem areas in precedence order and work on them in that order.

All of us have our unique priorities in lifestyles and also you have to stay authentic to yours.  In my personal life, I have found that bodily properly-being has to remain precedence #1.  If I’m tired and now not feeling nicely, it’s very tough for me to paintings on attaining any of my other desires.  So enough rest, right nutrition, and everyday exercise are sort of the inspiration on which the entirety else in my lifestyle is constructed upon.

Here are my easy regulations for the way plenty of trade to take on at any one time:

Work On One dependency At A Time In case you are changing a habit, work on ONE dependency at a time.  Whilst that ONE addiction has become automated, work on the subsequent one.  For instance, whilst my infants weren’t infants anymore, I wanted to begin workout again and improve my food regimen.  I centered first on organizing a workout habitual.  After some months, it had emerged as 2d nature for me to head for a run-first aspect every morning and best then did I begin making adjustments to my weight-reduction plan. Don’t Compromise Your health Or Relationships That be counted The most When running to obtain different existing goals, most effective take on as a great deal as you may without compromising bodily nicely-being and relationships that are most crucial to you.  For instance, I’m operating on converting my career in the interim, however, it’s happening very slowly, due to the fact I’m a wife and mom first and fundamental and due to the fact I make taking care of myself (sleep, exercising, and food) my number one precedence.

4. Learn how to transform Your lifestyles – One vicinity At A Time

Considered one of the biggest obstacles to converting your existence for the higher isn't always knowing exactly a way to move about it.  This has been a reoccurring topic of my depression as nicely: I’m unhappy, however I don’t recognize the way to trade matters.  And after I don’t recognize how to change things, I start questioning it’s in all likelihood now not even viable.

But right here’s the factor.  Anything problem you're struggling with, someone else in human history has struggled with as well.  Certainly an entire lot of someones have in all likelihood struggled with the equal problem.  And a number of the ones someones are out there talking about overcoming that hassle. Or recording podcasts.  Or crafting blog posts.  Or even writing complete books.

Take the gain of those human beings.  Learn from them.

Start together with your life location precedence #1 and research how different people have managed to make a similar alternative.  Google it.  Pinterest it.  Order an ebook from Amazon.  Take a look at out the growing library of existence change “how to’s” right here on answers To all your problems.

A few pieces of advice you run into work for you, but some of it will.  Keep what works for you and ditch the rest.

5. Set particular dreams And Create detailed Plans For attaining those dreams

You understand what you want and you know the way different people have gotten exactly what you want.  It’s time that allows you to begin taking action.

But motion can be horrifying.  It’s new and specific and OMG what in case you fail?!

Here are two matters I've found out to do to make motionless horrifying:

Set smart goals Smart goals are:

Unique

Measurable

Practicable

Sensible

Time-certain

For example, “to get in shape” isn't a clever purpose.  “in order to run for 30 minutes three months from now” is a smart goal.

Create Plans With Itty Bitty child Steps Large dreams are frightening, due to the fact they're massive.  They are large and OVERWHELMING!  But they turn out to be a lot less so, if you damage the whole thing into itty bitty workable infant steps.  Allow’s take the “run for half-hour three months from now” example.  Here are the primary itty bitty baby steps one should take to obtain this intention:

WEEK 1

Purchase a couple of exact strolling footwear Locate secure garments to run-in Make a playlist of song to listen to at the same time as workout WEEK 2

Day 1: three mins of strolling + 15 mins of on foot Day 2: four minutes of walking + 15 minutes of on foot Day 3: five mins of walking + 15 minutes of on foot

6. Take control Of some time

Making life modifications takes time.  If you want to steer a healthier way of life, you possibly want to discover greater time for sleep, workout, rest, and cooking.  In case you need to exchange careers, you possibly want to discover time for gaining knowledge of new abilities.  In case you need to hook up with your great different greater, you likely need to discover extra time for placing out.  And so forth and so on…

Right here are three ways to address the inevitable time troubles:

Start Time blocking Here’s what I imply through time blockading: start planning your days out in advance with the aid of writing down how you may be spending every half-hour block inside the day.  It sounds excellent simple, but it works magic in phrases of assisting you to be more intentional about how you're spending it slow. Persist with Your Priorities Always maintain YOUR non-public priorities in thoughts whilst you are putting in place your day by day schedule.  While you don’t have time for the entirety, the things that are not pinnacle precedence want to be cut.  And yes, because of this you need to start pronouncing no to some humans and activities you used to spend time on. Gradual development Is higher Than No development From time to time you won’t be capable of spend as a good deal time as you'll preferably like on something life aim you're running on in the meantime.  When that occurs, simply do what you have got time for.  Take into account that slow progress is better than no progress!  Although it takes you ten years to get to where you want to be, it’s better to get there in ten years than to not begin in any respect and nonetheless be stuck ten years from now.

7. Preserve your self motivated

Making lifestyle changes is difficult and takes time.  How do you stay inspired to keep going?

In my enjoy, right here are the conditions that need to be present in order that allows you to persist with it for the lengthy haul:

You're excited about Your purpose Whilst you nail down #2 – developing the vision to your ideal life – it becomes lots less complicated to discover the inducement to take the steps you need to take.  You will be EXCITED to do what you want to do, because this is something YOU sincerely want.  More than you have ever desired something else.  (And if that’s now not the way you feel about your imaginative and prescient, then it’s lower back to the drawing board!) Your To-Do listing Is achievable The greater you're able to interrupt the obligations in advance of you into child steps, the more achievable they end up.  Set outrageous end dreams, but smash them down into itty bitty child steps. You have A boom attitude Make the words yet, but your new mantra, as in “I don’t recognize the way to do this yet, however, I'm able to analyze.” Yes, changing your existence is hard. But it’s even harder to live caught in a existence you don’t like.

Start operating on your new life nowadays!

P.S. Wanna analyze more approximately growing A life You virtually Like? If you are critical about reworking your lifestyles, you are probably inquisitive about my loose video magnificence.  You’ll examine:

The secret to creating a lifestyle that maximizes happiness and minimizes strain. The simple 5-step framework for turning your lifestyles round even supposing it appears way out of attain and you don't have any clue how to get started out. The three vital mistakes that maintain human beings stuck in life and the way you can keep away from them.

[itdans]

read on ao3.

This was paradise.

Or as close as Shiro thought they could come to it. Keith had been right, he’d set the perfect destination for their sometimes aimless roadtrip and their last few days would be spent here, miles away from civilization with no one but each other for company. Even if they’d never made it as far as Keith had hoped, they’d found a way to make the most out of their roadblocks. They’d already set up their tent and gathered up firewood, taking advantage of the golden late afternoon sunshine. Shiro planned on getting the campfire started before the sun went down, but right now, all he wanted to do was sit and relax.

The woods were lush green in the summer heat as birds and squirrels dashed among the leaves. Their campsite opened up to a small lake, almost as round as a coin, and completely isolated. The water was so clear that Shiro could see the smooth polished stone at the bottom and the quicksilver fish that darted away whenever they saw his shadow. It was quiet and peaceful, except for the faint sound of their portable radio and Keith loudly crunching Doritos in his ear.

“How did you even find this place?” He asked as Keith scooted closer, holding out the chips like an offering. Shiro grabbed a handful.

“Internet? I had a lot of time last week to look up camping sites where we didn’t have to fight a hundred RVs with screaming kids.”

“Good call.”

“Thanks.” Keith waited until the moment Shiro meant to swallow his chip before adding, “Still wished we could’ve gone to that Musume. I wanted to see if aliens were real.”

Shiro choked and laughed, and Keith couldn’t be anything but shamelessly smug.

They settled in a comfortable silence, reveling in the quiet satisfaction of finally being able to stretch their legs. In the background, a lazy humming melody came on air that made Shiro want to inch closer to the fire and close his eyes for a little while. It struck Shiro then, a calm, undeniable clarity that he’d last felt right before sending in his application to Kerberos. Maybe that had been a mistake, he couldn’t be sure, but he’d never felt so light.

“There’s no one I would to share this more with than you.”

Keith quirked a brow. “Good, since I’m the only one here.”

“Lucky how that turned out.” Shiro said with a lopsided grin.

“It wasn’t luck, there was a lot of hard work and planning that went into it.” Keith lapsed into silence before he asked the question that he’d been holding tight in his chest for days. “When did you know?”

“Hm?” Shiro looked over, one eyebrow quirked. “Know that I was on a trip with only you? Probably about two days in, I was pretty suspicious of that rolled up sleeping bag for a while. It looked pretty shifty.”

“Shiro, I’m serious.” Keith leaned over to bump his friend with his shoulder, unable to hide his smile. “I mean, me. Us. Whatever this is. When did you know?”

“Oh.” He chuckled a little and wrapped his arm around Keith’s shoulders, pulling the other man in against him. “That’s easy. I guess it started back the first time I saw you fly the simulator in your first year, you were just a freshman and it was clear you were something special. You had this look on your face when you got out that was half-proud and half dare, like you were expecting someone to try and take your score away from you. I had such a crush, it was embarrassing.”

Keith felt heat creep up into his face. “So long ago?” He barely remembered that test, it was just another obstacle like everything had been back then. A delay towards his dream of flying, bogged down by rules and regulations. Shiro had been the only one who bothered to try and know him, but he had no idea that his feelings had lasted all this time.

“Were you tutoring me then?” Keith sounded ashamed, but he hadn’t pulled away, so Shiro held on tighter, even if it made Keith squirm.

“Yeah, but also a little before that.”

Shiro watched recognition bloom across Keith’s face, before everything shut it down, like Keith had pulled a mask over his smile. “I hated you back then.”

And Shiro realized it was embarrassment.

“I wouldn’t say hated, but I could tell a little, yeah.” Shiro laughed, because Keith looked so contrite, as if they’d only learned to get along yesterday. “You wouldn’t talk to me about anything other than the lesson plans. Getting you to speak was like pulling teeth. You’d ask a dozen questions at the start of every session, then go mute. It drove me up the wall.”

“I thought you were reporting everything I said to Iverson,” Keith said, flustered like not even gun fire could make him. He was equal parts apologetic and defensive, but in the end, regret won out in a big way. “I had enough black marks on my record. I thought you expected me to impress you. I’m sorry.”

“You always impressed me.” Something about that made Keith turn away, cheeks pinked in the light of the setting sun, and Shiro didn’t care that he had to crane his neck to see. It was worth it. “It’s fine, you weren’t rude or anything. You were the single most driven person I’d ever met. I didn’t think anything could get in your way. I just… wanted to talk to you more. But I think we worked out okay.”

“Yeah, I think we did.” Keith’s smile was tentative, testing out this new feeling and these new boundaries. It was a strange and fragile sort of feeling, a hope that he’d given up on too many times. He reached out and took Shiro’s hand, twining his fingers with the cool metal of Shiro’s and looking back out over the lake. “I wanted to tell you before Kerberos, but the right time never came up. I thought I’d lost you without ever telling you how I felt, and when we found you again…”

“Everything was different.”

“Not everything.” He squeezed Shiro’s hand. “I was lost without you, I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t come back. And next time if...” Keith’s voice dropped, afraid to say the words out loud like they could come true if he acknowledged them. “It could be any random Galra attack or an accident. It’s dangerous. We might never come back.”

Shiro hesitated, a quiet sort of surprise settling over him before he confessed, “We’ve never really talked about that.”

Keith shrugged because, no, they hadn’t. It was an unavoidable risk that they’d all shouldered. This was the first time any of the paladins had the chance to walk away from it, but this entire trip had been about choice. They both deserved that.

Then Shiro slid his hand free and reached out to tip Keith’s head up to look at him. He traced his thumb down the side of his face before he leaned forward and stole a kiss. Sweet and gentle and oh so willing, Keith opened for him, sharing a startled breath before melting into it. “We decided to take that risk, and I want to take this one too. Whatever happens, I want to be with you.”

It was terrifying to think about how quickly this could all come apart. Their enemies weren’t always going to be powerful and intimidating, but they didn’t need to be. All it would take was one lucky shot in the worst sort of circumstances. It was a possibility they all knew could happen. Or Keith could decide he changed his mind about all this. Then Shiro didn’t know what he would do, because without Keith, he would be lost too.

Shiro knew there were some things they wouldn’t let happen, even if whatever they had didn’t work out. They were both too determined and too focused to let it hurt Voltron. Maybe they were just used to their personal concerns taking a backseat to their responsibilities. They hadn’t lived lives that allowed for much selfishness. And this thing, their bond, almost felt too selfish. Shiro didn’t know how it could feel this way, delicate and new, casting an unfamiliar glow on a well-worn friendship and turning it into something that looked completely different, but only for as long as it took him to recognize his best friend. It was fragile in one breath, but indestructible in the next, weighed down and braced by too much history and undeniable respect.

Shiro slowly combed Keith’s hair out of his face, tucking an errant strand behind his ear. “Please don’t stop being my friend, Keith. No matter what happens.”

He watched shock and confusion cut across Keith’s face, every emotion painted in broad strokes with too much honesty. When Keith told the truth, he told everything. And when fire lit behind his eyes, Shiro thought he would burn with him.

“Always.” Keith swore, pushing himself into Shiro’s space. The sudden weight of him made Shiro’s human arm buckle, but Keith just kept pushing. “No matter what, that won’t change.”

There was always the fear that what they built together in these quiet days wouldn’t last when they returned to space. They would have to face down their responsibilities again under the eyes of everyone they knew, but Shiro hoped that it would last. There was so much between them that was good and real, so much that shouldn’t change, but it was time that other things did. They’d been still too long, too afraid to take that next step or give words to their confessions. He wasn’t going to let them go back to their self-imposed silence ever again.

“Come on.” Shiro leaned in to steal a quick kiss with a casual intimacy that stole Keith’s breath away. “Let’s go swimming.”

“Let’s do what?” Keith made a loud noise of protest as Shiro pulled away and stood up. He made a distinctly less protesting noise when Shiro pulled his shirt off and set it carefully beside the tent.

“I’m tired of not taking the risk, so you and I are going to enjoy every last second of our time here. And I mean every second.” Shiro’s voice took on a playful note as he unbuttoned his pants, and Keith’s mouth fell open slightly. “I’m not wasting any more time.”

He liked the way Keith’s eyes tracked down his body and the way the tension in the air had pulled wire tight. This was another step and another limit, learning how to bring it all down so they could build something new. Besides, it had been a long time since anyone had looked at him like this with his body scarred and burned. Keith didn’t see scars or demand stories, and Shiro was never so grateful.

Shiro turned his back to Keith and pulled his pants down over his hips, letting them fall to the ground. He stretched back on his toes, showing off the muscles of his back with calculated purpose.

“You are such an ass, you know that? No one else ever believes me.” Keith rasped.

“And no one ever will.” There was a hint too much arrogance in his voice, but it was the satisfaction of a job well done, and Shiro looked over his shoulder just in time to watch Keith fight back a smile.

“Come on, Keith. If you’re scared, I can help you into the water,” Shiro said, in a tone that could have been supportive if it wasn’t pitched just so he could push every single one of Keith’s buttons. Keith growled, a sharp little thing soaked in annoyance, and as he pushed himself to his feet, gravel shifting beneath him, Shiro took off running.

The first splash of water was cold beneath his feet, and he inhaled sharply, ready to take things slower. Until long arms wrapped around his middle and he was tackled into the lake. Shiro didn’t even get to scream, the water cloudy with a thousand bubbles coming up around him. Then something kicked hard at his shins, and Shiro watched as Keith flailed his way to the surface. He came out sputtered, long black hair plastered to his face, and relieved. Then Shiro yanked him back under.

It was messy and silly, and Shiro vaguely remembered the first time he tried to spar with Keith, back when anger was his best friend’s shield and desperation his sword. Except this time Keith was sputtering and laughing, stuck between fury and delight, and when they finally got their balance back, he let Shiro hold him close, gasping for breath.

“You are such a jerk!” He yelled as Shiro just laughed and tickled his ribs until Keith splashed him.

“Here I was thinking you didn’t like my competitive side.” Shiro teased.

“I do, just when it’s something useful and not trying to show up some random Midwesterner.” Keith wrapped his arms around Shiro’s neck, pressing in closer to see how far they could go. There was nothing left between them but cool water and the last reflection of the sun’s light as it slipped between the surface.

“Mmm, I’ll keep that in mind. I’ll try harder next time.”

Keith pulled him down, sealing his mouth over Shiro’s, emboldened by the feel of slick bare skin across his own. He fit his body against his friend, daring and vulnerable all at once, as Shiro’s hands gentled and carefully slid down Keith’s sides. When he pulled away, they were both flushed despite the chill of the water, Keith’s lips shiny pink and so pretty that Shiro had a hard time looking away.

“I want you to know.” Shiro started, voice so hoarse that he had to clear his throat and try again. “I want you to know that whatever happens, that I’m glad I choose this. You and I are going to see this whole Voltron thing through to the end, that’s just who we are. Even if the others… However hard it gets, we’ll do it together.“

Keith quieted, his eyes flitting away as an old discomfort rose. The Red Paladin always looked so reserved, but Shiro knew that more than a little of that came from Keith not knowing if he was allowed to speak out. Not knowing if anyone would care to listen. Shiro wouldn’t push, but he would hold him, until Keith was ready.

"Do you think they’ll stay behind?”

Keith spoke like he was crossing a mine field, and the weight of the last two years turned its head. If Shiro tried, he knew he’d be able to find Her. His lion. She was always in his periphery, never obstructing, but a beacon he could find his way back to, if he chose to search. The Castle Ship was waiting for them just past Jupiter, somewhere the Alteans considered Earth’s back yard. And why not? With enough motivation, that was only a few seconds away. Shiro had once thought he’d spend his entire time on Earth remembering the new home he’d left behind. He wasn’t entirely wrong.

“Maybe.” Shiro conceded. It was a bitter sweet admission, one he’d tried to ignore ever since the offer was made.

“They’d deserve it.” Keith said. On anyone else, Shiro would have thought the words angry, but there was no one quite like Keith. “They deserve to be happy.”

He turned towards the sky, gaze faraway and misty, and Shiro thought Keith could find where his lion was too. But with his profile touched by moonlight, shadows sharpening the angles of his face, he didn’t look like he belonged on Earth. He looked like only the stars could touch him.

“They do.” Shiro agreed, and no matter what their team chose, they would celebrate not mourn. Because family was supposed to be on your side, even when it hurt. “Keith… Where would you go, after Voltron? If you could go anywhere.”

It broke his heart a little when Keith’s brows furrowed with hesitation.

“I don’t know.” The question seemed to take him by surprise and Shiro watched him grapple with the unfamiliar gifts of freedom and future. He’d trained his whole life for a single purpose, reaching the stars. He fought for others, putting his life on the line over and over again simply because someone had to. He faced down impossible odds to learn where he’d come from and had been ready to give up his quest, sacrificing his wants for everyone else. It was clear Keith had never even considered a time when he would be able to have the chance to decide his own fate, and Shiro ached for him.

“C’mon.” Shiro coaxed gently, tangling their legs together beneath the water. “Anywhere you want to go, anything you want to do.”

“I guess…I’d try to find out more about where I came from. I want to know where my family came from and how they got all the way to earth and why-, why everything.” Keith hadn’t ever said those words out loud to anyone before, wanting something for himself had always felt too selfish, but there was a piece of himself that was missing. A history that could fill in all those questions about who he was and what was his place in the universe. “It sounds stupid.”

“No, it’s important.” Shiro wouldn’t let him back down. “You’ll find the answers, I know you will. I’ve never met anyone more determined in my life.”

Keith tensed as he pressed closer, quietly hiding from the praise, but he still muttered a quiet thank you. “Maybe we’ll get an alien dog instead, it might suit you better.”

Shiro laughed, caught off guard and pleased by it. He could feel Keith’s grip tighten around his waist, his toes just barely touching the lake bed, and as the moon crawled across the sky, Shiro couldn’t think of anywhere else he’d rather be.

Then Keith surged up and dunked Shiro under the water.

[effect-of-games]

Impact of Video Games on Communication (Results from Google Form poll)

Questions posed within poll: 1. What video games do you think have some sort of impact? Why/how (if you know)? 2. What are some of your favorite video games? 3. Why do you play video games? 4. Is there anything else you think is important when talking about video games?

Name/Gamer Tag: Poizened 1. If I under stand what you are pitching then I’d say any game with co-op/ multiplayer features make a great impact and a perfect example would be Rainbow Six Siege. Rainbow Six Siege is a multiplayer game that requires communication unlike any other game. You talk and get to meet cool people (even the toxic ones) and just off that game alone I’ve met some cool people in real life and personally games have helped me to communicate to people on my home area since I don’t talk or get out much cause I have social anxiety. Playing video games every now and then help me on my people skills. 2. Call of duty, rainbow six siege, and resident evil 3. I play video games to escape from reality, to play with friends, and to practice my people skills (verbally). 4. I also believe video games help with functional skills in a sense. What I mean by this is that I have seen my reaction time improve days on end as well as I remember the smallest types of situations that I wouldn’t have before. Also I feel as if I’m more aware of my surroundings. Name/ Gamer Tag: Mathew Jelicks/Le Pooch 1. Hardcore survival or competitive games. I feel these emphasize a strong reliance on communication skills, and because of this players become better at communicating things they want/need to say 2. Halo, Escape from Tarkov, League of Legends, Starcraft 2, CSGO 3. I play video games to relax from everyday life, take over as a specific character to see how their life feels, and as a way to better myself at a hobby. 4. Video games don't always produce violence in people, let alone turn innocent kids into delinquents. It's a matter of control and having people to still remind you of the difference between games and reality. If you let someone young sit there for days on end just playing a game, of course they're gonna see negative effects, it's up to everyone to make sure that regulations are set to make sure that negative effects don't occur. As with anything in life, not having a form of regulation or checking up on the activity could lead to serious negative effects. Name/Gamer Tag: BigLettuce 1. Different games have different effects. Team based games require more cohesion where as individual games are more dependent on self sufficiency. The team based game forces you to cooperate with others to achieve some kind of common objective and in theory the objective takes president over the individual. This can be true and false to varying degree's. Individual games or team based games you play independently tend to lead the player to act in their own interest. 2. Minecraft, Hearts of Iron 3. Mainly to pass the time, play with friends. I've grown further away from them as I've grown older but I still play on occasion. 4. I believe video games can and are a good outlet for expression. On the other side of the same coin I believe they can lead people to believe they are spending some kind of time with others when no actual social interaction is being accomplished. Isolation and inability to socialize irl can be possible side effects but I believe that is for the individual to decide how much they want to play. Name/Gamer Tag: Hoss 1. Most if not all, excluding mobile games 2. Planetside 2, runescape 3, Dead Space, Metro 3. To escape the dull, boring, unforgiving thing that is reality. 4. Shitty lootbox mechanics aka "surprise mechanics" Name/Gamer Tag: Bree / chainbreeaction 1. I think competitive video games have the most impact. They aren’t my favorite but I know a lot of people like to compete and interact with other players in that kind of setting. I’m out of touch with competitive games but I’m pretty sure Fortnite is still big. It definitely made an impact. 2. (Any) Pokemon, legend of Zelda, animal crossing, assassins creed, Spider-Man (ps4), uncharted 4, Batman Arkham city, (any) silent hill. Those are just a few! 3. I play a lot of video games for the story. I’m invested deeply into quite a few franchises. But also sometimes, escapism. 4. When it comes to competitive play online, there’s a HUGE sexism problem. Women of all ages sometimes don’t even bother turning their mics on while playing because they don’t want to be insulted by male players. It doesn’t even make sense because the percentage of men and women who play video games are very close to 50%/50%. Name/Gamer Tag: TheH0lySpirit 1. There are some games like "Life is Strange," and "Little Nightmares" bring a different perspective on life as well as connect deeply with certain people who have been through traumatic incidents, moments or feelings that largely have impacted their lives. These games almost become therapeutic and a way to cope with those emotion. However, other games that require teamwork and large amounts of effort like Dead by Daylight, Rainbow Six Siege or Overwatch bring people together and forge bonds with people you meet on the internet. 2. Rainbow Six Siege, Far Cry Series, Dead By Daylight, Endless Space, Stellaris 3. Its almost therapy to me. Working in a volatile environment like the FX Market can be stressful, leading classes all the time and being stuck watching numbers can be stressing. However, at the end of a long day, a session with friends or just brainless play helps me get tired. Due to my insomnia, it helps me fall asleep and get a nights rest eventually. Its also a great way to blow out steam in games like Killing Floor 2 4. Many people think it's not a valid career or that kids shouldn't be encouraged to play. Honestly, it can be the reason why kids are so environmentally aware or even crafty. Most games have aspects of fantasy but they aren't completely unrealistic. Its obvious kids learn these games and pick them up very quickly. If games could be incorporated in things like education, further study, therapy, and other subjects, these normally hard to grasp subjects would become much easier to understand Name/Gamer Tag: CreedBlade 1. Story driven games, I feel, have the greatest impact on us. Humans are storytellers by nature. We thrive on a good story. We hold our breath for the next moment in a good tale. Games that bring forward a good story, like the later Assassin's Creed games, Fire Emblem, or Shadow of Mordor, can evoke powerful story elements and bring the player in. They go beyond mechanics and graphics to entice the player to explore and find out what happens next. Stories have the power to change lives. Its why tabletop games like d&d work too. Because good stories draw us in. 2. Hollow Knight, Assassin's Creed Black flag and Origins, Fire Emblem 3 houses. 3. For fun, for adventure, for challenge, for entertainment 4. Video games are a medium that give a player control over what happens. Agency is a powerful thing. We constantly clamor for it in our everyday lives; but the agency we find in games can allow us to do more. People like video games that allow for agency and choice, even if those choices are limited. Name/Gamer Tag: Logan Kreger / Trumpet | Thrax 1. Every sort of game has an impact on communication, being a popular form of entertainment, but more specifically, multiplayer games have had a massive impact on communication, connecting people around the world and giving them a common interest and goal. There are both positive and negative aspects to this, allowing some people to make new friends, while others are hostile towards other players. Overall, they allow new interactions between people that otherwise would never meet. 2. Warframe, the Civilization series, Rainbow 6: Siege, Factorio, Portal (2), Stellaris, Command & Conquer Generals 3. entertainment, story, interaction with friends 4. In regards to communication, I believe its important to note that video games have their own language in regards to the way that they convey ideas, especially surrounding level design and controls. Name/Gamer Tag: Bear 1. Biggest impact games are game that encourage you to communicate and devise strategies with others. If you take it seriously and you exercise proper communication skills, you will more often than not be successful at what you do.  2. Some of my favorite video games are shooters and RPGs/MMORPGs such as Escape From Tarkov and World of Warcraft. 3. I play video games because I use it as means to keep up with friends. It exercises my brain and I am able to interact with different people daily. 4. Just have fun, and enjoy responsibly. Name/Gamer Tag: DreamSong 1. Assuming this is impact for an individual, I'd say all games. I believe any game can have an impact on any individual, because every person, views each game differently from another person. Two people may both enjoy a single game, but the way it impacts each person in their lives is different. One never knows what someone is going through, and therefore may not know what helps them in their daily lives. I've played plenty of games that I'll admit weren't great games, either through quality or other. But some of these games were able to help me through tough times where other games, or people couldn't. Long story short, any game can have an impact on any person if it's presented to them at the right time. If you meant impact on a larger grouping of people, then I say games that are wildly popular, or wildly unique/controversial, are the games that tend to impact communities, and groups of people. 2. I really like games that are mechanical skill based, and competitive. Games like super smash brothers where it's a one on one, all mechanics, all skill. I like games where I know I beat my opponent because I'm better than them, or they beat me because I need to improve. I like games that tend to be more black and white, and have obvious ways of showing you where you need to improve.Inversely, I also really like sandbox games. Games like Minecraft, or Animal Crossing really appeal to me, because I really like organizing. In sandbox games I feel like I have all the freedom I want to organize, and personalize my stuff. It's nice. 3. Primarily for fun, and as an escape. I was introduced to games very young, and became attached to them. When younger, I don't think I was really using games to hide from the world, but as I grew older it changed a bit. Video games were still something I sought after to play and have fun, but the older I got and the lonelier I got, video games became an escape. Having 5 siblings meant I was never really alone, but due to the age gaps, and personality differences, there were many times where I couldn't relate easily. My only sibling sharing the same gender is 8 years older than I am, so I tried to feel close to him, but being an 8 year old, trying to get the attention of a 16 year old with their friends was hard. So overtime, I turned my love for games from something that I was able to enjoy with my siblings, to something I would enjoy when my siblings weren't willing/able to hang out. Long story short, games are fun, I enjoy playing them. It's nice to feel challenged sometimes. 4. I would just say be wary that there are different games, and different people playing them. Everyone who gets into games, got into them for their own personal reason, even if it ends up boiling down to the same general idea. Each person is different, and each case, is by case. Name/Gamer Tag: Sapientis 1. Call Of Duty, Siege, Arma 3, etc. They are stress relievers and Arma is a military simulator that can allow some people to see how certain tactics for infiltration of a enemy strong hold works. 2. Rainbow Six Siege, Anthem, Valorant 3. Been playing them since I was a kid, always have fun while playing and they help me relieve stress. 4. Having fun is the key part to playing video games, if your not having fun, than you are playing right.

[sorryforthephilosophy]

A Very Messy Utopia

Fictional utopias tend to be clean and simplistic, presenting an orderly and predictable society.  That always struck me as wrong, even off-putting.  I suspect it is for others as well, and perhaps that’s why we’ve turned away from utopian imaginings in recent decades.

The problem, I think, is that a simplistic, orderly utopia wouldn’t meet the needs of a diverse population. Diversity is messy, and diverse populations need to be dealt with in many different ways.  A simple, orderly utopia presumes a homogeneous population and culture.  Such a utopia is not a place where all kinds of people are welcome, and then can it truly be called a utopia?

But is a messy utopia possible? What would it look like?  As a long-time student of the history of New York City, I can cast my mind back to all the times and ways that New York has helped its inhabitants.  NYC has not always done good things for its people, but sometimes it has.  If I focus on those times, I think I can envision what a messy utopia would look like:

You’ve got a big, crowded city.  Millions live here.  Every day more arrive, from all over the world, from places where there is little hope or safety, to try to make better lives.  There’s no cost to get in (besides the cost of transport), no contract you have to sign to get in, you just have to be prepared to try to make it in a place that is unlike anywhere you have ever lived before.

Traffic is a bitch in this city, and there’s hardly any parking, but that doesn’t matter because most don’t people don’t own cars, don’t need to.  A complex but efficient system of busses, trains, subways and ferries gets people everywhere they need to go quickly and cheaply.  Public transport is just one piece of a massive system of public works that rivals those of entire nations in its complexity and capabilities.  The systems that deliver water and power, that take away sewage and trash, are humbling in scope, but they run so well, thanks to the hard work of thousands, that most don’t give them a second thought.

The city is incredibly diverse.  On the streets, on the subway, you’ll see every race, hear every language, see young and old, able and disabled, wealthy and not-so-wealthy, every style, every religion, every type of gender performance, every facet of neurodiversity.  A woman in a full hijab sits on the subway car next to a young punk who purposefully has one boob hanging out of a ripped t-shirt.  This is a place where people from all over come when they are being judged and discriminated against.  They know they will find a thriving subculture here of people who are just like them.

People are not generally friendly.  It would take too much emotional energy, or require you to be ingenuine, to act like you care about all the thousands of people you meet in a day who you will never meet again.  Instead, people know to mind their own business.  When you’re in public the fact that you’re reading a book, looking at your phone or listening to headphones means you don’t want to be spoken to, and people know to respect that.  Rather than friendliness, people learn not to step on each others’ toes.  Spread your legs too much on the subway so that nobody can sit next to you and some grandma who is too tired to take any shit, is going to yell at you until you put your knees together and apologize.  Through being yelled at, you will have learned a lesson on how to get along with others.

Yet when you need help, there will be someone in the crowd who will not only step forward to help, but have the skills to do so.  If you’re choking, someone who knows the Heimlich will step forward.  You fall onto the subway tracks with a train oncoming, some buff dude is going to jump down and haul you up just in the nick of time.  These everyday heroes are nightly celebrated on the local news.  And everyone sees that the city’s heroes look just like them, and resolve to be ready to be a hero whenever and wherever they can.

The government is scared of its people, and not the other way around.  Politicians are worried, harried creatures, constantly aware that displeasing their constituents may leave them out of a job.  Every citizen who comes into their office to complain about a pothole or bad smells from the fish-ball factory has to be given an audience.  Every working hour is spent trying to serve one’s constituents.  

The city government is a massive, expensive bureaucracy, but only because it needs to be to do all the things the city does and serve all the populations it serves.  Hundreds of thousands are employed by the city to help people.  Unions are ubiquitous and make sure that workers, government and private, are treated fairly.  Every government worker, from the garbage collector to the nurse at the hospital to the cop on the beat knows that in exchange for their honest and committed labor they’ll be rewarded with a living wage, good benefits and a comfortable retirement.

The city has its problems, but it deals with their harms.  Rather than punishing drug addicts, prostitutes, gambling addicts and homeless people, the city does what it can to keep them safe and give them a chance to improve their lives.  That might mean allowing them to indulge in a self-destructive vice in the safest way possible, e.g. getting clean heroin with clean needles from a clinic.  

Crime is fought in the city, but it is also prevented: by education, by social work, by family planning, by providing excellent mental health care, by giving people support when they need it, and by banning guns.

Cops are working class men and women, members of the community they serve.  They don’t generally carry guns, because neither do the people they are there to protect.

There is capitalism in this utopia, even thriving capitalism.  The city has an incredible infrastructure: freeways, docks, harbors, internet, dependable power, a healthy and educated workforce, consumers with money to spend, and this is an incredible boon for any business that operates here.  There are taxes and a high minimum wage, but these are not enough to stifle business.  Every kind of business, from mom-and-pop corner store, to heavy industry manufacturing, to high-tech R&D happens here.  Competition between private industry and government makes sure that citizens get the best of both.  For example: any company that wants to sell internet access has to make sure it can provide better or cheaper service than the municipal internet or else that business isn’t getting off the ground.

Capitalism does the one thing it’s historically done well: provide creativity and innovation.  Any person can work an honest job, save up some money and start a business.  If they think they can run a better pizza place, or a better web hosting company, or publish a better comic book than the competition, then they’re welcome to try.  If they truly have figured out some better way to run their business, they’ll thrive.  If they haven’t, their business will fold, and they’ll go back to being someone else’s employee again.  The failures are many, but nobody’s life is ruined, and the successes make the city a better place by making the services people want cheaper and better.

Some people can become wealthy, and live in fancy condos, and eat at expensive restaurants, but they have to pay a heavy tax, their fair share for being able to enjoy living in the most exciting city on earth.  They too feel safe walking the streets, don’t see any need to sequester themselves away from the poorer population.  Some of the best places in the city, the parks and the nightclubs and the street fairs, are free to attend, and there the wealthy mingle with the less-wealthy as equals.

There are a lot of laws.  Lawyers will do brisk business because there are more laws than any lay-person can wrap their heads around.  Most all of the laws concern how people can treat each other: how a landlord can treat a tenant, how an employer can treat an employee, how a factory can treat the air and water that everyone shares, etc.  The laws aren’t to protect any elite, they’re to protect the people.

The city is not clean.  It’s messy, and often ugly.  Many of the buildings are old and patched up.  In this city, you don’t pull down a building just because it’s old, you get up on a ladder and hammer on some scrap wood.  People love parts of the city, even the ugly ones, and will fight to protect them, getting them listed as historic landmarks.  That ugliness takes a lot of pressure off of everyone.  You will never lose customers because your retail spot or office is a bit shabby.  You can leave your apartment in last week’s sweatpants and not be judged by anyone.  You don’t have to have the latest clothes or a brand new car.  That money can be saved up for something that will actually improve your life.

Some people will live here all their lives.  Some will live here, make their lives better, climb a few rungs on the socioeconomic ladder, or make a better life for their kids, and then leave, making room for the next person coming in wanting to make a better life.

Thinking about this messy utopia, I can hear the angry voices of those who think it sounds more like a liberal dystopia.  For them it’s not a utopia if there are lawyers, social workers, gay people, Muslims, if there’s taxes and environmental regulations.  Even these assholes are welcome in the messy utopia, where laws will make sure their assholery won’t harm anyone else.  On the other hand, I’m sure their vision of a utopia excludes people, and I’d want no part of that.

The more I think about it, the more I think a messy utopia is possible, that there’s a way to get there from here.  I think we stopped demanding utopia because it stopped being something we could imagine.  I hope that can change.

[cyan-nightshade]

Instruction Manual

They've always told me that poetry is power, And I agree. Words flowing from a poet's mouth Stronger than any river could ever Hope to be. Enough force behind words to build an army Or to break one. I listen to these poets, To their powerful linguistics, Hearing the bravery in each articulation As they share their stories of struggle And overcoming. I hear the tales of rehab, relapse, Rehab, relapse, And the methods of which it is done. The power of the poet is unparalleled, A sharp kitchen knife with a tiny black handle, Its purpose mundane, But with the ability to be so much more. I listen to these stories And the knife grows closer to my skin, Only it is not the poet gripping this edge. It is me. The words of others my own justification As I allow the steel to slice my skin, Beads of crimson blossoming in the form of inspiration. Instead of learning from this power As it was intended, I'm learning everything I had done wrong. I begin to take notes in a margin As thin as she (I) wants me to be. I learned to count calories That's what All of the pretty girls in the poems do That's how they all start Shoot for under 1,000, No more than 1,500 Making mental notes of what I eat At a meal so I can look up The calories later That is, If I can't sneak a look at the box it Came in I start to memorize the values The numbers The calculator in my head ticking Every time something is put Into my mouth It's funny how much everything Can start to taste like calories Like self hate Like wanting to be thin All of the poets say "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" And I've learned that to be true Anger comes when I eat something I know I could've gone without Red anger, as red as an apple Did you know just how unhealthy an apple is? 95 calories 95 too many Tearing myself up for not being lower 1,000 is too much 900 is too 800 is It’s all too much I control this I count I count to numbers that might as well Equal infinity Any number becoming Far too high I remember a day my net was 300 And it felt like 3,000 It’s never enough I learned to starve, To empty myself to make room For love Hungry became comfortable Full became repulsive I listened to the stories of the Thin, pretty girls who talk about Being so empty, Of being able to feel cold water Slip down into an empty stomach And now I know what that's like Food begins to taste Like bile Water tastes like heaven Pure and empty and clean As pure and empty and clean As I want to be It was hard at first, Emptying yourself of all things Inside, But it became a second nature An instinct that I must pursue It became easy to be sick And starving Happiness and hatred became synonyms with the feeling of being so empty, somehow both so incomplete and complete as long as i'm curled over myself screaming at the pain that screams in my stomach, hands claws and fingers curled and hair falling out and nails breaking and scratches down my arms and pain Pain, but so blissfully empty So blissfully starving Eating in front of mirrors so I know just how disgusting i appear So I know better next time So next time it'll be a fetal position and soft sobs I feel the prettiest When I am starving I learned how to purge I used to shuffle my way to the bathroom an hour later as the self hatred began to set in, but i learned that you can't wait for the feeling to come that you must rush to the toilet and vomit up the loathing before it can attack Only the feeling still comes Just this time it's for not shoving your finger down your throat quite far enough I wonder often how i'm supposed to hide the habit when a mint has 25 calories and gum has 5 The taste of vomit that lingers my shame and my pride Knowing that it hurts but knowing that it's worth it Cheeks puffy and insides curling, twisting, trying to figure out a pattern of how and when I'll destroy them this time, a mind shouting yes as a stomach shouts no every time I kneel in front of a toilet Excuses of being sick and a stomach hurting, of just needing to use the bathroom at lunch when i stand to leave every day They must know Or perhaps I just hide it well enough Hide it beneath the surface Like a secret that could take the world down, only this one destroys only myself in being kept so well I learned to diet, something I'd formerly found so dumb and useless, something I'd turn my nose up to every time someone said they were starting one Now, a skeleton, I scour the internet for something that would work, that would make me thin I try everything and every restriction, trying to find something that will take away the hate but it only always adds Not strict enough Not taking it far enough Not committed enough Never enough Not enough I learn my ABCs all over again and fast when i'm told, doubling calorie amounts on the days i am weak Told to do the skinny girl diet instead, but those values are far too high I will practice my ABCs until I lose every last piece of myself I don't care about safe I care about loss About being thin About being able to see my ribs as if there were no skin at all Merely tissue paper on top of bone, protecting a heart that begs to stop beating, to stop taking care of a body that's being destroyed by its owner What's the point in a beating heart in a body that's falling apart? In a body that's controlled by a diet that involves fasting at least once a week? By a body regulated by a diet actually called boot camp? A diet where you bleed until you don't and cry until you can't? I learned that binging is normal Well, when you have ednos that is When you’ve starved yourself for So long And you just can’t take it any longer And you just break You give it Food tastes like giving up Of giving in to something so much Darker I feel the hatred rise as I take the First bite of 100 Trying to chew slowly But end up not even tasting It all tastes the same Like poison Like regret Like I will never be good enough Gorging myself on every last morsel I can get my tiny, pale hands on Did I take a sip of water Or is that my tears? Streaming down my face as I devour all I see Devour the semblance of love I had For myself Swallow it whole It hurts, Giving in so easily when I know I could’ve lasted I know the cycle too well though The disgust toward myself, The not taking care of myself, The binging until I feel like I’m going To vomit And at that point I might as well The food is all of the love I want Eliminating room for it No one can love this pig Rolling around in her own Self loathing As she stuffs her face with slop Bloated and full of poison This might kill me more than The starvation The despising nature I carry toward Myself Fingers and hands shaking as I Shovel more and more within me Broken Sobbing Eating Dying I learned to exercise A past source of depression and Exertion Something so studiously avoided Because it always made me feel So unworthy But now I know it’s necessary It is vital in become thin It becoming a skinny Legend Do the elliptical, do they leg lifts Burning calories Toning Trying to do anything to help The cause Exercising on an empty stomach Feels like floating Or is it dying? I can’t tell My mind is too foggy My body screaming at me to stop When I’ve already made so much Progress Wanting to vomit But wanting to be thin even more Is it worth it? This pain? My muscles aching the next day My body hushed by my hell brain That tells me this is what it takes When I feel like quitting I just think of all of the people I will have let down because I couldn’t do what was necessary To become as thin as I possibly could Giving up on a dream that Always seems to slip through my Fingers, like the handles of an Elliptical that I so weakly try to hold The calories I burn Never seem to be enough, Telling myself only 50 more, Only 100 more, Let’s burn 500 It hurts to the core To be so miserable And so unable to stop I think I blacked out eventually So tired So weak So incapable of even doing just this Of stopping Of taking breaks What a failure I’ve learned so much So much that contradicts All I’ve been taught The mirror reflecting an image that i can no longer tell is true Skin not spread quite thin enough across my ribs Bones resting not close enough to the surface Notches in my spins showing through like stones when i need them to look like mountains, jagged enough to keep away the love i don't deserve