#I’m thinking it would be either X Joel because I love that ship it X Scott because classics and also I love it as well

[meteor752]

Debating on in the modern dlsmp kids au I should have Jimmy and Tango still be together with Johnny, or if I should have them as coparents, because I was never really the biggest Team Rancher shipper (I still like it tho, just not my cup of tea), but I do adore Team ZIT and quite a lot of Jimmy ships

[poeticpascal]

I've Got You (Dbf!Joel Miller x Reader)

Masterlist | Request here!

Summary: When a date set up by your father goes wrong, your secret boyfriend and Dad's best friend races to protect you.

Word count: 5.2k

Warnings: smut, 18+, MDNI, attempted sexual assault, abusive language, reader's date is a tory prick, soft!dom!Joel, blowjob, unprotected sex, use of pet names.

A/n: So... this is my first time writing smut. I am super proud of this one, so please let me know what you think! Requests are open so for more Joel/Pedro action, you know where to find me x

Dating your Dad’s best friend is hard. And stupid. Really, you have no clue why either of you thought this'd be a good idea. But you were so far down this path now, so entangled in late night meet-ups and whispered phone calls and unspoken thoughts that sounded a lot like ‘I love you’, that it was too late to turn around and steer the sinking ship of this utter mess back to shore.

More than anything, you hate not having any normalcy with him. You can’t fall straight into his arms after a hard day. You can’t cuddle into his side with a bowl of popcorn watching crappy weeknight telly. You can’t go to the store together, holding hands and making him laugh as you insist on buying a flavour of ice cream that you know he’d love. And it sucks.

Because everyone said Joel would never be one to settle down. He’s too wild, too rough to fit into a polished little box like that. And you’d thought the same. Until you fucked him, then fucked him again, and kept going back until you could see the pain in his eyes each time you left. You could practically feel the heaviness settle in his stomach as you left his bed to sneak back home. It hurts him as much as it does you, and if you weren’t so incredibly in love with him, that would’ve been enough to make you run.

Despite how long you’d kept this going now, a good 6 months at least, it never got any easier. Especially when your Dad started talking about dating. He was protective, but more than anything he wanted to see you happy. So when you suddenly became distant, hiding in your room more often and going out on dates much less, he was concerned. Nowhere near as concerned as he’d be if he found out why you were acting that way, you thought, but concerned all the same.

So when he came home one day, beaming and shouting for you to come downstairs, you thought nothing of it. When he explained there was a new apprentice at his work that he thinks you’d like, you weren’t surprised. And when he told you he’d set up a blind date with said boy, you felt sick.

Because you really couldn’t get out of it. You tried.

“Dad, I just don’t feel like dating right now.”

“Oh come on, you used to have a new date every few weeks. I’m just worried about you. Matthew's really nice, and he likes the same shitty music you do-”

“It’s good music.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I just…” he paused, his worry painted on his face, and there's no way you could’ve said no to him. “Honey, I want you to be happy. I don’t know what’s gotten into you recently” - your best friend, you thought - “but I just need to know you’re okay. So give this a go, for me, alright? And if you have an awful time, that’s it, I’ll never set you up again.”

You sighed. He was right; it’s just one night, one date. One box you have to tick to relieve the pressure that comes from having an affair with your next door neighbour, the one more than twice your age, the one your Dad would call a brother. And besides, your Dad would be working an overnight job, so you’d be spending the night at Joel’s anyway. Something to look forward to.

“Okay, yeah. I’ll go. For you.”

He pulled you in for a hug, tight, and you hugged him right back because you really do hate having to keep this from him. He pulled away, smiling - “great! It’s tonight at 7. He’ll pick you up.”

“You already arranged it?!” You near enough shrieked, but he’d already sauntered off to the kitchen, giggling as he went. 

Typical.

So that’s how you ended up here, at 6:55pm, waiting by the front door for Marcus - or Michael, or something like that - to pick you up. Your phone buzzes, Joel’s name flashing on the screen, that alone making you feel that much calmer.

You’d text him as soon as you talked to your Dad, letting him know about the date. He understood, and you loved that about him; he was mature, compassionate, and he was more than secure in the fact that no matter who you talked to, who flirted with you on nights out, who you were set up with… you’d always come back to him. 

Don’t worry about tonight, baby. It’ll go quickly. I’ll leave the door unlocked for when you get back. Text me if you need picking up. J x

You smile at his initial at the end - it’s such a Dad thing to do, but it makes you happy, especially when he adds a little kiss. He only does that for you.

The sudden sound of a car door closing snaps you out of your thoughts, Joel’s text left on read as what you assume to be your date heads up the driveway. You take a deep, nervous breath, smoothing out your dress and heading to the door just in time for his knock.

You open the door, take a good look at your date, and he’s… okay. Not unattractive, per se. Though you’d come to accept a little while ago that being with Joel had soured your perception of pretty much every other guy. His dusty blonde hair is slicked back with gel, his teeth are way too white, and he’s dripped in designer clothing that just screams, “I have a trust fund.”

“Oh, hi! I’m Matthew.” Right. Matthew. “You must be (Y/N).” He leans in to peck your cheek, and all you can think about is how smooth his skin is as it grazes yours. Nothing like Joel’s coarse stubble that you love so much - especially when it leaves red patches on your cheeks, and your neck, and if you’re really lucky -

Matthew leans back a little, confused, and you’re brought out of your daydream. “Sorry, yeah, that’s me. (Y/N).” 

Well, that was awkward.

You just need to get through these next few hours, you think to yourself, smiling at the boy and letting him lead you out of the house and into his car. You can’t help but glance towards Joel’s place across the street; it looks quiet tonight, though his truck is in the driveway, and as soon as you look up you’re sure you catch the living room blinds suddenly draw shut. You smirk.

──────

The date was going… okay. About as okay as a date you don’t want to be on, with someone you have no interest in, and another man constantly on your mind could go. You could see why your Dad liked him; smart enough, well-polished. His father was a partner in the company, you learned - oh, he’s a ‘Daddy’s credit card’ type you’d thought - and by all intents and purposes he was the sort of guy any parent would hope to see their daughter end up with.

It’s never that easy though, is it?

Because he isn’t rough around the edges like Joel. He doesn’t have his stature, or carry himself with the same brute certitude. You can’t imagine him fucking you up against the wall, working himself up until he’s almost animalistic, somehow using you and worshipping you at the same time. And you can’t see him wrapping you up so tightly afterwards, holding you close and whispering how good you were for me, how proud of you I am.

No, only Joel could do that, and that’s how you like it.

The bill comes, Matthew suggests you split it. You don’t mind. He takes out his credit card, flashing it in front of you. “This is my Dad’s. I can use it as much as I want.” He’s smirking like he’s got something to be proud of, and you really had to fight the urge to roll your eyes. Instead you just smile, before paying your share and making small talk as you head out the door and towards his car.

“So, I thought we could head back to my place.”

You freeze. Yeah, no, not gonna happen. He’s got this shit-eating grin on his face, one you knew all too well from past college boyfriends - that’s a boy who thinks he’s getting some tonight. You shudder, wrapping your arms around your waist and trying to sound sincere as you reply, “this has been lovely, but I’ve got an appointment early in the morning” - not really a lie, if staying in bed with a man over twice your age getting fucked or cuddled or both counts as an appointment - “so I’d rather just head home.”

You reach for the passenger side door, but it’s locked. You try again, pulling on the handle, but it doesn’t budge. You realise then that he’s stepped closer, too close, crowding your vision as you turn to face him while keeping one hand on the door’s handle. He leans an arm against the roof of the car, right beside your head, staring you down. 

“Oh, come on, (Y/N). I’ve got the house to myself tonight, it’ll just be us. I know that’s what you want, don’t be shy.”

His free hand pinches your chin, his touch aggressive where Joel’s is rough but careful, and he tries to close the already too-small gap between you.

You dodge him quickly, slipping out from under his arm and backing up, away from the car, away from him. Matthew just watches you, incredulous, before laughing to himself and taking a step forward. “Look, baby, I know you want this. What is it, are you scared your daddy’s gonna find out?”

“What? No, I-” you splutter, but he interrupts.

“Get in the car, (Y/N). You don’t have to worry about anyone finding out. I can see the way you look at me, I bet you’re dying to fu-”

A heavy sickness has flooded your stomach, your nerves shot from the sudden escalation of what was supposed to be a quiet, albeit tedious, night. But his words hit you, and before you can even think, you’re shouting back at him. 

“You seriously think I want to fuck you? You can’t even pay your half of the bill with your own money. Fuck that. I’ll make my own way home.”

The smug look on his face is quickly washed away with anger, and you continue to slowly step backwards as Matthew follows you. A lick of fear sets in now as the pale streetlights cast shadows on his darkened expression, and you scold yourself for opening your mouth.

“The fuck did you just say to me? Do you know who my Dad is?” - this really isn’t a good time to roll your eyes - “You think you’re too good for me, you bitch? I’ll show you.”

He stalks you, and your eyes frantically dart back to the restaurant you’d just left, though you’d backtracked far enough to be almost at the door again.

People are dining and laughing, some just sitting and watching the world go by. You’re well within their view, and you turn back to see that Matthew’s gaze has followed your own and he’s connected the dots. He can’t do anything in front of them. He locks eyes with you again, scoffing, heading back to his car and loudly shouting something that sounded a lot like “fuckin’ bitch.” Nice.

He drives away; you’re safe, out of the situation, and as the relief floods you the adrenaline does too and tears prick at your eyes. You sit on a small bench just outside the restaurant, dotted with shrubbery and stains from spilt drinks you assume, and take out your phone.

Your last chat with Joel is already open, and you breathe slowly in an attempt to still your shaking hands as you type quickly,

Please come and get me. He was trying to get me to go back with him. Wouldn’t take no for an answer. He’s gone now but I have no ride home.

The text is marked as ‘read’ almost as soon as you send it, though you receive no reply. You didn’t expect to; Joel wasn’t much of a texter. Like, at all. He was slowly getting used to it, what with it being one of the only ways you could really talk when slipping over to his place was too risky. 

In this particular instance, you already knew he’d have read the text, dropped his phone without a second thought and hurried to his truck while muttering to himself what he’s gonna do to the kid, how he won’t see what’s comin’ to him.

Just how badly Joel might react worries you. He’s protective, incredibly so when it comes to you, and that combined with his white hot temper was surely a recipe for some sort of disaster.

Secretly, though, you loved it. And so as you sat on that little bench, frosty air nipping at your skin, you couldn’t help but revel in the warmth that pooled in your core at the thought of what sort of beast Joel would become tonight.

──────

It only takes him around 10 minutes to reach you, and you know for a fact he must’ve ran a red light or two because normally it’s a 20 minute drive at least into town. You stand, walking over to his truck, but before you can hop in he’s already storming out and wrapping you up in his arms, shielding you, eyes darting across the street.

“Where the fuck is he?”

“Joel, I-”

“(Y/N) where the fuck is he? I’m gonna kill that little bastard. Fucking-”

His body is tense, far more so than usual, and anger pours from him in buckets. You pull away to look up at him, his eyes still searching for the boy long gone, and you sigh. “He’s gone, Joel. He left.”

He finally meets your eyes, a cold frown etched on his face, and he somehow looks even angrier than usual. “Did he touch you?” His hands roam your body, searching for you didn’t know what, but you let him do whatever he needed to relax. To know you were safe.

“No, Joely, he didn’t. I’m fine, I promise.”

It usually softens him right up, your little nickname for him. Joely. The first few times you used it, he’d just scoff or roll his eyes, but the small smirk that crept onto his face each time let you know he loved it. Quite how much he loved it was a different story; you hadn’t got together then, though the both of you wanted it, and as your relationship blossomed you became the only one he ever let call him anything other than Joel.

It doesn’t work this time, though, and he remains stern, finally letting you go and searching your eyes for even a hint of anxiety or fear. “What happened?”

“He tried it on, I said no. He tried again, I backed up and made sure there were people watching,” you nod towards the restaurant, still bustling with life. “And he left.”

Joel nods. “You tell him to fuck off?”

“‘Course i did.” 

It seems as if he finally lets up then, giving you a proper hug, one arm around your neck and the other around your waist. He presses a kiss to the top of your head, hard, and the tension leaves him. “That’s my girl.”

You squeeze him tight, burrowing into his shirt and inhaling the scent of him that you loved so much. With one arm around your shoulders, he guides you back to his truck, opening the door for you and helping you. He does it everytime, but it still makes you blush, and you’re sure his lips smirk slightly as your cheeks turn red. Worth it.

The ride back to home is quiet, only the sound of his radio and passing traffic echoing between you. He keeps a hand on your knee, always protective, and every now and then you rub your palm over it to let him know you appreciate it. To say thank you.

Joel was never good with words, and you’d learned over the last few months just how much he relies on touch to express himself. To show love. You’d picked up on his habits, his little signs, his way of telling you his deepest thoughts without having to speak a word.

And when you reciprocated, when you wrapped your hand around his, or brushed his side at the neighbours’ BBQ, or kissed his shoulder in the kitchen, you knew just what it meant to him.

Your driveway is empty as Joel turns onto your street - your Dad must have set off for work already. You sigh in relief; you didn’t have the energy to explain all this to him, and certainly not the energy to try and sneak into Joel’s without him seeing.

Joel steps out first, taking a quick look around to make sure no nosey neighbours were watching, a precaution you were both used to by now. He grabs the door for you again, holding your hand and helping you out, holding you close to his side as he unlocks the door and you both slip inside.

“What do you want to drink?”

“I’m good, thanks.”

He pauses, looking at you, concerned. ”No. You need somethin’ to drink. You need to- to lie down, or somethin’.”

You follow him into the kitchen as he stalks past you, not giving you time to answer and filling a glass with water and ice. “Drink,” he hands it to you.

You take it, thanking him and sipping as he watches. It’s sweet; he cares about you, so much, and when he looks at you like this you can’t help but feel butterflies swirl in your stomach.

“I’m sorry.” It’s almost a whisper, so quiet you wouldn’t have heard if it weren’t so still already in his house.

“Hm?” You look at him, confused.

“I’m sorry he did that to you. S’not - s’not right. I mean, shit, what if you couldn’t get away?” He was spiralling.

“Hey, hey. Joel, it’s okay. I’m okay.” You set down the glass and take him in your arms. He calms, instantly, holding you tightly against him and cupping the back of your head with his hand.

“You shouldn’t have had to go through that.”

“I know.”

He sighs. “I just wanna protect you, honey.”

“I know.”

He pulls back to look at you, framing your face with his hands and running his thumbs along the edge of your cheekbones.  You lean in, letting his lips capture yours in that sweet but desperate way that only Joel can, and moan into his mouth. He slips his tongue against yours, letting one arm fall to your waist as his hand lingers around the hem of your jeans.

The kiss becomes desperate and you reach for his belt, your arousal becoming unbearable as the memory of him so full of anger and protectiveness spins in your mind like a carousel. He breaks the kiss and you groan, chasing his swollen lips with yours.

“We don’t have to do this.” His southern drawl is slick with need, his eyes closed as he rests his forehead against yours. The moment is so sweet, so intimate, that any thoughts of what had happened today were long gone and your mind was full with sweepings of him.

“I want to.”

He grunts, pushing himself further into you so his nose brushes yours like a cat. So much so, you almost purr into him, and it makes you giggle. You curse yourself as he pulls back, cocking an eyebrow and giving you that stare you’d come to know all too well; you’re a pain in my ass, it says. But the corners of his lips turn upwards, and you step forward so you’re once again pressed right up against him, pressing gentle kisses to his jaw.

“You’ve had a big shock today, sweetheart,” he sighs.

You know he’s given up. You know he needs this as much as you do. But you humour him, and tip his head down so you can kiss his lips again. 

“So make me forget.”

It snaps something within him, and you shriek as Joel sweeps you up in his arms, your legs wrapping around his waist in instinct and your head burying itself in his neck. He laughs at the sound you make, something you’d always known to be so rare for him, but that he does far more often now he has you. 

He carries you upstairs, gripping your thighs with his large hands, and the way he holds you so easily just turns you on more. He kicks his bedroom door open, all but throwing you on the bed and watching as you bounced softly on the sheets, undoing his belt that was already half-opened by your shaky hands.

“On your back. Lay your head towards me.”

You did as he said immediately, though your movements were slow, languid. He let you take your time; a part of you thinks he likes to watch you move for him, the way you put on a show, keeping your eyes locked on his and your lips slightly parted and puffy from his kiss. 

You lie on your back, your head dangling off the edge, looking up at him upside down. The hard outline of his cock is just centimetres above you, swollen already, and your desperation to taste it must’ve shown on your face because Joel groans out a soft, strangled “fuck.”

“You need this cock, baby? Need your throat fucked?” You just nod rapidly, desperate for him to do something other than just stand there and watch you, your arousal becoming unbearable. Joel seems to break, too, pulling down his jeans and boxers and gripping his hard length in his hands. 

It’s big at the best of times, but from this angle, his balls level with your eyes and his cock the only thing you can see when you look up at him, it’s painful how bad you need him.

You’d only discovered this position recently, on a night you’d spent at his place while your Dad was away with work, not unlike tonight. Joel had been floored, consumed with pleasure as the stretch of your spine made it so easy for him to slide himself through your mouth and down your throat, the muscles tensing around him and drawing his release much sooner than he’d have liked. 

He slides the head of his cock over your lips, painting them in his precum. You whine, lapping at his taste, desperate but you know better than to lift your hands off the bed. No, you give him control, and he lavishes it.

“Open up, babygirl.”

You comply, parting your lips and moaning as Joel pushes inside, giving you no time to breathe. You try to control yourself, inhaling through your nose and letting your muscles relax before he bottoms out, his groin almost entirely covering your face and your throat full of his thickness. 

It’s filthy, degrading, resigns you to nothing but his to fuck and use as he wants. 

You love it.

“Such a good girl, baby. So good for me, ain’t ya?” You can hardly even nod as your tongue flicks along a particularly swollen vein. He begins to move, pulling out almost entirely before slamming his cock back into your mouth. You moan again, and it hurts, in that delectable way that’ll spend the next few days reminding you of this moment.

Joel’s got one hand on the wooden foot of the bed, keeping himself steady. The other finds its way to your neck, and he stalls as he feels his cock beneath your skin, rapidly pushing in and out. He moans your name, his hips rocking into you harder and harder, chasing a release you knew he wouldn’t let himself have just yet. 

You’re completely at his mercy now, too consumed by his scent and his touch to think, and you hardly register him reaching for your hand and taking it in his own. He starts to mumble, and you only catch a few words - “my good girl. My girl. So- so fuckin’ pretty for me.”

He swells, your tongue working faster against him, his hand squeezing yours and his legs faltering when he suddenly pulls out and stands back with a whimper. Your eyes are glazed over, your sore throat misses him, and your pink swollen lips are trying to say something but you’re not sure what. It feels like his name.

“Come on, pretty girl, come here.” He sits beside you on the edge of the bed, wrapping his big arms around your back and guiding you into his lap. 

His fingers dance over your entrance, collecting the slick that soaked your thighs before pushing a single finger inside, revelling in your arousal. He admires you as you squirm, rolling your hips against his hand, desperate for more and moaning against his lips. 

It’s almost embarrassing how easy you unravel for him, and if it weren’t for your utter infatuation for the man, you’d have hidden your pleasure and at least tried to hold onto some sense of dignity. But you were obsessed, addicted to him, and he knew it. Because god, was he addicted to you, too.

He kisses you, letting another finger slip inside and catching your hiss with his mouth. “So fuckin’ perfect,” he mutters, opening his eyes to look at you, his cock twitching against your thigh. 

“Tell me what you need, angel.”

“Y- you, Joel. I need you. Please.” You hardly register yourself saying the words, but they do the trick, as Joel removes his fingers and instead lines the tip of his cock with your soaking wet entrance. 

“Please, please, fuck me. Fuck-” 

He snaps his hips upwards, driving his cock into your cunt and you gasp as he stretches you. You grip at his shoulders, sure to leave marks, but you know he loves it. 

He sets the pace, guiding you to bounce on his cock as his hips snap upwards again and again, fucking you so hard you can almost see stars. 

His head is buried in your neck, kissing and nipping at the delicate skin, and you try to regain some autonomy and roll your hips side to side making him mewl. 

“So - oh, fuck - so good baby, keep doin’ that.” He spurs you on as your breathless moans and the heavy slap of skin on skin fills the room, lewd but addictive.

The pace is brutal, unforgiving as your thighs tremble and you wonder if he’s feeling the burn of his movements. If he does, he doesn’t show it, just ramming into you and moaning your name against your ear. 

His hand falls from your waist and finds its way to your clit, making you gasp as he circles his thumb around the spot. The near pornographic moan that falls from his lips as you roll into his touch is nearly enough to make you cum right there, but you know better than to cum before he tells you to.

Instead he hoists you further up, giving him better control of your hips, and angles his cock so it hits that perfectly raw spot deep inside you that has tears in your eyes.

“I- I’m gonna-” 

“I know, baby. Just hold on for me. I’ve got you.” You cry at his denial, though it’s quickly forgotten as he flips you over onto your back, his head still tucked under the crook of your neck, his cock still buried inside you. He resumes his fast pace, reaching even deeper inside you with your legs locked around his waist, and you moan so loudly you worry someone’s going to hear you.

Joel doesn’t seem to care as he pulls back to look at you, marvelling at how utterly fucked-out you look for him. His pace starts to falter, each thrust more desperate than the last, and he frantically pushes his tongue into your mouth as you moan in unison.

“Cum for me baby, cum all over my cock, that’s it.” You release on command, crying out as waves of pleasure spread like fire through your body, and the uncontrollable spasms of your orgasm make Joel groan as he spills inside you, still rocking into you and carrying both of your highs.

He doesn’t let his cock slip out of you as he wraps an arm under your back and rolls onto his side, holding you close as he brushes the matted hair away from your forehead and replaces it with a soft kiss. You hum, snuggling into him and trying not to gasp at the feeling of his cock inside you while you were still so sensitive. He can see you flinch and smiles, though he just wants you to rest for now.

“You okay, babygirl?” You just hum again, but he taps your chin and you look up. 

“Answer me, angel.”

“I’m good. Tired.”

Joel nods, running his hand through your hair and agreeing, “me too.” 

You’re quiet for a moment, almost dozing off as the heat that radiates from him lulls you gently to seep, when he breaks the silence again. “What’s his name?”

“Hm?” You reply, too fucked-out to really understand what he was saying.

“That little asshole. What’s his name?”

He’s looking down at you, brows knitted together, and you just sigh. “It doesn’t matter, Joel. He doesn’t matter. I promise.”

“But-“

You cut him off with a kiss, and the tension that built in his shoulders is quickly dissipated. “No ‘but’s. Get some sleep.”

“Aright,” he resigns. “I love you.”

It slips out, sudden, and he freezes before he realises the joy that’s spread across your face from his words. It’s the first time either of you have said it, and the way your eyes light up are enough to let him die a happy man. You nuzzle his nose, your hand gently lay on his chest, your eyes falling shut again. “I love you too, Joel.” He wraps you up tighter, grinning, happy. In love.. “And no asking my Dad, either.”

He scoffs, “I wasn’t going to!” You just cock a brow, eyes still shut, and though you can’t see him you know he’s rolling his eyes. “Let me get you cleaned up, sweetheart.” 

He pulls out of you slowly, making you wince at the loss, and sits up on the bed. When you can still feel his weight beside you, you crack an eye open to see him quickly typing something on his phone, and you frown. “Joel?”

He startles and drops his phone, turning to you and kissing the top of your head. “Sorry, baby, I’m going - just gimme a sec to get you a warm cloth.”

As he leaves for the bathroom you snatch his phone, already knowing what he’d done. Your Dad’s name is at the top of the screen, the chat from just moments ago still open:

What’s the name of that kid (Y/N) went out with?

Matthew Wicks, he’s the new apprentice at work. Why?

Just wondered.

You’re weird, man.

Joel creeps out of the bathroom, frozen as he sees you lock his phone. He offers a small, guilty smile, quickly wiped away as you grab his pillow and playfully launch it at his chest. 

“JOEL!”

──────

Thank you so much for reading! As ever, comments and weblogs are so appreciated, and please let me know if you'd like to be tagged in my future fics!

[the-somwthing]

Looking at all these ship tierlists and seeing the negative tiers makes me realize how much I refuse to dislike ships hahaha. Where are my hot takes???

So, I’m now going to brainstorm any ships I might possibly have a negative opinion on. Warning for ever so slight negativity towards ships

HMMMM HMMMMM man im a lover at heart this is tough. Scott x women is cheating (even then I don’t think I dislike it as much as other ppl there’s some nuance but still generally not for me)

ALRIGHT. TIME TO DIG FOR ANY NEGATIVE FEELINGS.

Was never much of a fan of grumbo/mumscarian. BUT!!! This is because I’m MOSTLY LIFE SERIES VIEWER!!! I only casually enjoy hermitcraft and don’t watch it often. And I KNOW that’s where the ships come from, so all of the life series version of the ship just feels so forced. Which sucks cuz I do actually see some potential for it in like Last Life that would be a hilarious ship!! I definitely lean Grumbo because even in the life series you can see it, tho I see it mostly grian-sided with mumbo technically reciprocating it but not realizing how problematic it is to be dancing around the feelings in the middle of a death game. But that’s just me.

I USED TO BE A GRITHO HATER (but not a full on hater. Just the slightly negative feelings as portrayed here). I remember during limited life I kept seeing gritho stuff and I was like “it’s not gonna happen 🙄” then it happened and I was like 🤯 and bowed down to all the gritho shippers. I also had divine intervention in the form of a dream telling me to ship gritho and now I love them.

Flower husbands is a complicated one that is seen on many negative tiers and I will admit I don’t always like it. But sorry guys I like it just don’t watch Scott’s 3L otherwise you will be traumatized for life

I LOVE RANCHERS but I DON’T LIKE RANCHERS FANS. SORRY. Don’t take this personally either there’s no one in this fandom in particular I dislike (to my memory) but like there’s just something off with rancher fandom idk. It feels like a lot of them are missing the point. My sister is the one who got me into ranchers and even she agrees that a majority of the rancher fan content out here just isn’t it. I feel like it’s the general treatment of Jimmy and the also kind of ignoring Tango in favor of making him just Jimmy’s supportive bf idk. BUT AGAIN DON’T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY I LOVE RANCHERS AND THERES BANGER CONTENT OUT THERE!!!

^ also due to the ranchers vs fh war I feel the need to point out that while I seem nitpicky on ranchers but gave fh a free pass it’s because my problem with ranchers is purely fanon while the problems with fh exists within canon. I do also struggle with fh fanon not being what I want (give me liml fh NOW!!!)

Bringing forth another hot topic YOU WILL NOT BE SEEING BIGGRI HATE FROM ME. Sorry pal they are NOT on this list. I don’t know WHY it’s seen as “soo bad” by like ALL SIDES like ok. HUH? I especially don’t get the stance that ppl hate Biggri cuz it always gets used as a stepping stone for scarian. Like ok so you don’t ACTUALLY hate biggri you just hate scarian. I promise you nobody who says “I love biggri” shares that same sentiment on it that you hate so much. Literally why in the world would someone go “I love biggri soo much because I get to completely ignore it in favor of scarian 😍” like HELLO? I understand if that treatment makes the ship leave a bad taste in your mouth but why is the hate directed at the people who ACTUALLY CARE 😭 I MUST be missing something

SO ON THAT SUBJECT!!! I AM A DL SCARIAN HATER. I LOVE Scarian SOO much but in DOUBLE LIFE… *growls and eyes glow red* STOP VILLAINIZING GRIAN FOR FALLING IN LOVE WITH BIGB!! STOP MAKING SCAR LOOK INNOCENT WHEN HE WAS TERRIBLE TO GRIAN!! To be clear I get it. It’s the scarian soulmate AU. I believe there are ways to do it right but in general I just don’t like the way people do it. GIVE ME TOXIC DL SCARIAN OR GIVE ME DEATH!!!

My blog title says “#1 Scott x Joel HATER” but that was a lie sorry guys 😔 I only hate them because they take up 75% of my brain usage

Humm haww idk if I can come up with anything else. Maybe I’ll come back if I remember anything but as I keep saying I AM A LOVER AT HEART!!!

And just to be PERFECTLY CLEAR. I do not care if you have the complete opposite opinions. I don’t hate you!!! Even if I had said “people who ship this are the WORST they’re all BAD” and your url was “that-ship-u-hate-shipper” I WOULDN’T THINK LESS OF YOU!!! I would interact with you like a normal person because I believe in NUANCE and the fact that OPINIONS ON COMPLETELY FICTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS IS NOT A BIG DEAL. We can still be friends ❤️

[witchthewriter]

Hi! How are you? I was wondering if I could have a level 6 ship with ACOTAR, Twilight and House of the Dragon if that’s not too much trouble?

So about me :

Gender: Female

Pronouns: She/her

Sexuality: I think I’m straight…

Height: 170cm/5’7 ft

Body Type: Inverted triangle

Skin tone: Olive skin

Hair: Armpit length, dark brown and wavy

Eyes: Almond shaped, dark brown

Style: Casual chic

Zodiac signs: Taurus Sun, Virgo Rising, Cancer moon and Aries Venus

Mbti: INFJ

Moral Alignment: Lawful Good

Hogwarts House: Ravenclaw

Favorite food: Ice Cream

Things I love: reading, drawing, writing, cooking, walking, daydreaming, sleeping, rainy days, cookies, gardening, listening to music, animals, cherries, watching Youtube and surfing on Tumblr.

Love Language: Acts of Service and Physical Touch

Personality : I'm an introvert, but I can act as an extrovert. I'm really sarcastic, I hate confrontations, from the bottom of my heart, and most of the time I'm more of a diplomatic person. I’d describe myself as stubborn, intelligent, argumentative, hard-working, patient, emotional, creative, empathic, bossy, helpful, kinda bitchy when I’m angry and sensitive. 

I'm a really loyal friend and the mom of the group. I have all kinds of things in my bag: tissues, lip balm, pens, emergency numbers, etc. I'm the eldest, and I love my siblings, even though they drive me crazy most of the time. I love learning new things, reading new things.

My favorite colors are blue and purple, my favorite flower are cherry blossom and lotus and my birthstone is an emerald.

And I think that's it ^^. Thank you so much and have a nice day :)

Want one? Here be the rules 🦋🌈

𝐀𝐂𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐑

𝐷𝑒𝑠𝑐𝑟𝑖𝑝𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛    𝐼 𝑠ℎ𝑖𝑝 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝐴𝑧𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑙! You would show him the softness that he needs. He’s been through a lot, especially in his childhood, and isn’t a very open person. His quiet personality would work so well with you, because although you aren’t the most loud person, you can hold a conversation. And you would keep him comfortable in both social and intimate settings. 

𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠

・Doesn’t want you to feel like you have to be with him. So committment was very difficult for Az. But once you prove to him that you want to spend the rest of your life with him, he’d tie himself to you in every way possible

・Doesn’t like going out all that much, prefers to stay home and spend time with you. Loves laying on the lounge with you on top of him, reading while the fire is crackling. 

・Towers over you - and makes you feel like a Hobbit at times, especially when you haven’t got heels on. 

・Calls you ‘sweetheart,’ ‘darling,’ ‘my heart.’But only when you’re alone.

・Being protected even when he isn’t there. Either there’s someone shadowing you so that no one will step out of line and hurt you, or socially everyone knows you’re Azriel’s, so no one starts anything with you. 

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒆 𝑺𝒐𝒏𝒈:

Young and Beautiful by Joel Sunny

𝑹𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔: ↬ Similar Personalities ↬ Morally Grey (Az) x Always Tries To Do The Right Thing (You) ↬ Would Die For Each Other

𝑹𝒐𝒎𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒄 𝑷𝒍𝒐𝒕 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔: ↬ Soulmates

𝑇ℎ𝑒𝑖𝑟 𝑓𝑎𝑣𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑖𝑡𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑦𝑜𝑢: He loves that you’re the mum friend. You’d become a member of the Inner Circle, and basically become everyones mum. High Lord Rhysand hasn’t eaten? EAT RIGHT NOW. I’LL MAKE YOU A SANDWHICH. Amren, the most fearsome person you’ve ever met? If you don’t drink that glass of water, you aren’t getting dessert! 

  He just loves how you aren’t afraid to fluff over people. And you know what? The whole Circle absolutely fcken loves it. 

𝑌𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑏𝑒𝑠𝑡 𝑓𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑛𝑑: Would be Feyre! I think she would love how much you care for others. The fact that you labelled yourself the mum of the group; she'd absolutely adore you.

𝑊𝘩𝑖𝑐𝘩 𝑐𝘩𝑎𝑟𝑎𝑐𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝐼 𝑡𝘩𝑖𝑛𝑘 𝑦𝑜𝑢’𝑟𝑒 𝑚𝑜𝑠𝑡 𝑙𝑖𝑘𝑒: From Nesta's book 'A Court of Silver Flames', I think you're most like Gwyneth Berdara! Not sure if you've read the book, so I'll do my best not to spoil it. But she's a very gentle-natured diplomatic young woman. She's so gentle and caring and would do absolutely anything for her friends. Like Elain ... but more badass....

𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒑𝒆𝒕:

It was by accident. Complete and total accident. You didn’t even know magical creatures could become domesticated! Let alone ... well, see for yourself:

The poor thing had a broken wing and you took pity on it. For weeks you had been visiting the creature, until Azriel followed you one morning and scared the living day lights out of you. 

   “I thought you had been seeing someone else-” He said with a sigh of relief.

”Ugh, nope. Just...” and then you stepped aside and showed Az the creature. 

𝐓𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭

𝐷𝑒𝑠𝑐𝑟𝑖𝑝𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝐼 𝑠ℎ𝑖𝑝 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝐸𝑑𝑤𝑎𝑟𝑑 𝐶𝑢𝑙𝑙𝑒𝑛! He would be the best match because you need someone who is emotionally mature and aware. You would get fed up with someone who is absentminded. Edward would remember everything about you. 

𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠

・Always stands up for you, and if you’re ever in a bad situation, he’s always the first person who will help you

・Likes when you hum, or turn the music up and dance. Your happiness is his happiness

・He would be so awkward around your family for a while. Especially if you had siblings. He would want to get as far away from you as possible - he doesn’t want to take you away from your family. But you want him in your life. And he’s just going to have to deal with that!

・His love language is quality time and acts of service. You always have a clean car, perfect tyres and the best stereo. He wants to give you the best of everything actually.

・His nicknames for you are variations of your name. But the way he says it is always different from anyone else who does. It’s like he says your name with so much love that you always melt.  𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒆 𝑺𝒐𝒏𝒈:

Into My Arms by Midnite String Quartet

𝑹𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔: ↬ Tough on the Outside, Soft on the Inside (Edward) x Soft on the Outside x Soft on the Inside (You) ↬ Mum Energy (You) x Dad Energy (Edward) ↬ Forbidden Love 𝑹𝒐𝒎𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒄 𝑷𝒍𝒐𝒕 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔: ↬ Beauty and the Beast

𝑇ℎ𝑒𝑖𝑟 𝑓𝑎𝑣𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑖𝑡𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑦𝑜𝑢: Edward loves that he doesn’t have to change himself for you. That you don’t want anything but him. Sometimes he can think he isn’t enough, but you remind him that he’s perfect the way he is. 

𝑌𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑏𝑒𝑠𝑡 𝑓𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑛𝑑: Alice Cullen. I think you two would have a lot of fun together. She would take you to the best shops and want to pick out new clothes for you. You love hearing about the visions she’s having. 

𝑊𝘩𝑖𝑐𝘩 𝑐𝘩𝑎𝑟𝑎𝑐𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝐼 𝑡𝘩𝑖𝑛𝑘 𝑦𝑜𝑢’𝑟𝑒 𝑚𝑜𝑠𝑡 𝑙𝑖𝑘𝑒: I think you’re a mixture of Angela and Esme. You’re very kind-hearted and intelligent. You’d never leave anyone out, and people love being around you because of how attentive you are.

𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒑𝒆𝒕:

Given to you when you were younger by your parents, this little kitty has been by your side for everything. Named after Betty Boop, she wasn’t so sure about Edward for a while. 

𝐇𝐨𝐭𝐃

𝐷𝑒𝑠𝑐𝑟𝑖𝑝𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛

𝐼 𝑠ℎ𝑖𝑝 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝐴𝑒𝑚𝑜𝑛𝑑 𝑇𝑎𝑟𝑔𝑎𝑟𝑦𝑒𝑛! He would absolutely love that you have such a big heart. He would find how much you care quite odd. And the fact that you show your love so openly - it astounds him. 

𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠

・Feels the most safe, and welcomed is when he’s with you. He honestly doesn’t feel comfortable unless you’re around

・Whenever you’re upset, he will get ready to literally kill that person. You’ve had to calm him down on multiple occassions because he was actually going to.

・His love language is acts of service and words of affirmation. The latter is how he likes to receive love. 

・Will always bring you back gifts whenever he’s off travelling. Not that he travels often, but when it calls for it, he will bring you something special. 

・Likes when you braid his hair. He’ll wear it to bed and wake up with wavy hair. 𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒆 𝑺𝒐𝒏𝒈:

True North by Joseph Trapanese

𝑹𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔: ↬ “I love you!” (You) x “You shouldn’t!” (Aemond) ↬ Chaotic Dumbass (Aemind) x That’s My Chaotic Dumbass And I Love Him (You) ↬  𝑹𝒐𝒎𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒄 𝑷𝒍𝒐𝒕 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔: ↬ Only One Bed

𝑇ℎ𝑒𝑖𝑟 𝑓𝑎𝑣𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑖𝑡𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑦𝑜𝑢: Your loyalty. That you always have something in your satchel that will help any situation. 

𝑌𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑏𝑒𝑠𝑡 𝑓𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑛𝑑: Would definitely be Rhaenyra! She would take you out of your comfort zone, and give you the confidence that you sometimes lack. I think you’d also be like a big sister-mother figure, with your caring ways and gentle aura. 

𝑊𝘩𝑖𝑐𝘩 𝑐𝘩𝑎𝑟𝑎𝑐𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝐼 𝑡𝘩𝑖𝑛𝑘 𝑦𝑜𝑢’𝑟𝑒 𝑚𝑜𝑠𝑡 𝑙𝑖𝑘𝑒: I think you’re a mix of Rhaenys II and Heleana. Both dreamy but alert and responsible.

𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒑𝒆𝒕: You would be the rider of Dreamfyre, the she-dragon who had hatched during the reign of Aegon I, the Conquorer. She’s smaller than Caraxes but larger than Syrax. 

[naraki]

Hello here is my Troy x abed pinning playlist analysis I made,,,,,, very sad

Y’all ready for this,,, this consists of whos povs I think go with who and reasons why

Solitary confinement- everyone worries about Owen

- Abed pov

- Him trying to convince himself he’s okay with Troy being gone

- Failing as a director

- Just feels like life is falling apart

- Late season 5 him isolating himself from everyone

Death cup- mom jeans.

- Abed pov

- “Might cry in front of you”

- Finally letting down his walls

- “I didn’t want you to feel like it was your fault” he doesn’t want Troy to blame himself for how disfunctional he is

- This whole song is just abed realizing he can’t tell Troy he’s heart broken because he knows Troy would come home in a heart beat if he was sad and not go on his much needed journey

Cigarette daydreams- cage the elephant

- just fits the vibe

Two sized mattress - the frontbottoms

- abed pov

- Defiantly more of an au song

- Like a high school au and Troy has internalized homophobia and probably ends up running away after people find out hes gay

Sick of loosing soulmates- dodie clark

- both of them

- They are soulmates but now separated

Letter home- childish gambino

- Troy pov

- Writing letters to abed but thinks abed has already moved on

- Letter in a bottle but he knows it won’t get to him

Mr. Blue - Catherine feeny

- Troy pov

- He probably did tell abed he loved him before he left or at least wanted to

- Wanted to tell him everything will be okay

- This song is everything he wanted to tell abed before he left

Buddy- willie Nelson

- Troy pov

- He always calls abed ‘buddy’

- Cries

- I just feel like he would sing this

I love you, I’m sorry - Mel bryant & the mercy makers

- could be either pov which ever angst you want

- In the rain crying and screaming confession the night before Troy leaves

- The other is just in shock

- The angst we deserved

Mr. Lover man- Ricky Montgomery

- Vibes

- Both pov

- This is just the perfect pinning song

Supercut- Lorde

- abed pov

- “Supercut” movie lingo

- He would do everything this song says

- This is just his thinking

Somewhere out there- Troy and abed

- explanatory

Human- dodie Clark

- Troy pov

- Once again him just thinking about abed

- This is before he leaves

- Like season 1&2 him trying to figure out who this cute nerd is

Vienna- billy Joel

- this is just a Troy song

- Not pov this song is just him

- It just is

Old friend- bedroom/boredom

- Troy pov

- It just is

Lonely eyes- the front bottoms

- Troy pov

- Him towards abed, trying to figure him out

- Similar to human

Scott pilgrim vs my gpa - mom jeans.

- Troy pov

- When they fought during abed buying all those actors

- He’s just upset and scared

- It’s okay Troy,,, it gets better

Dark red- Steve lacy

- just both of them

- Just works with the pinning

Holy ground (Taylor’s version) - Taylor swift

- Troy pov

- Abed pulling him into his antics on day 1

- Him first falling

Starlight (Taylor’s version) - Taylor swift

- more of that happy first falling era

- Could be either pov

Sad beautiful Tragic (Taylor’s version- Taylor swift

- Both pov

- :(

Come back...be here (Taylor’s version)a Taylor swift

- abed pov

- The title

- This song was made for abed nadir post season 5 episode 5

- Just replace plane with ship

- Feels bad for missing him

Hoax- Taylor swift

- More sad angst

- Could be either if you think betrayal

- Thinking more Troy pov

- When he thinks he just abeds side kick and that’s all abed wants him to be

- Doesn’t feel like abed cares for him that much

- It’s okay abed proves you aren’t just a side kick

- He’s in love with you

Enchanted- Taylor swift

- Troy pov

- Hoping abed doesn’t fall for anyone while he’s gone

- That whole bridge is him

- He’s praying to god that abed likes him back and doesn’t loose those feelings

- He is defiently writing love letters rn and LeVar burton is just like “it’s okay buddy you’ll see him again”

I love you so- the Walters

- abed at himself

- Once again feeling bad for being sad Troy is gone

- ABEDS convo with dreamatorium Troy

Save your tears- the weekend

- them at each other

- the sad goodbyes

- just tell each other you are in love

Two birds- Regina Spektor

- bird who leaves is Troy

- Bird who is scared is abed

- Their last convo be like

Motion sickness- phoebe Bridgers

- abed pov

- Just is

- he misses him so much

Thank you for reading I hope you cried

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0j63sMLqkzfNQWCgfdpd1c?si=Yv7gHuXVTYCVAJrDSqjS-g

[tloujm]

Part XXI: In Our Room

Author’s Notes: Just a short little thing.

Genre: Smut. Can’t have a honeymoon without smut.

Summary: Day 3 of the honeymoon. Joel shares the dream he had of you. 

Ship: Joel x Fem!Reader

A soft incandescence of orange blanketed your bedroom from the setting sun. The window was left open, allowing the summer breeze to flow in and the smell of sex to drift out. You and Joel had spent the whole day in bed switching between fucking, pillow talk, napping and making love like it was a cyclical trend. The only time either of you got out of bed was to refuel and freshen up for the next round. 

The sheets were only covering one leg while the rest of your body was exposed to the warm air. You laid on your back and replayed memories from earlier that day. Joel, just as naked, was laying on his side gazing at you. His fingers drew lines up and down your torso. You were used to his touch, but it still left a trail of goosebumps in its wake. Restless yet lazy, you turned over onto your stomach. He crawled on top of you, allowing his legs to drape over yours. You felt his cock slide up between your ass cheeks as he hovered over you. He dipped down and let his tongue glide along the length of your spine. He nuzzled his face in the small of your back. Every so often, he would pucker his lips and kiss your warm skin. 

“Do you know,” He began before leaving another kiss on your back. “My favorite part of your body?”

“I’d hope they’re all your favorite parts.” You replied with your eyes closed.

He let out a light chuckle. “Ya got me there, darlin’, so believe me when I say it was no easy feat to choose one. It’s right,” He began to kiss your skin again, but this time a little bit lower. “Down,” He left another kiss. “Here.” The sensation of his lips at the top of your thigh made you ticklish and it took all your strength to not squirm away from him. “I’m crazy for this crease right here.” He let you know exactly where he was talking about as he nuzzled his nose against the space where your ass met your thigh. You could feel the cool breath from his nose and the ginger scrape of his beard. It left goosebumps on your skin.

“That’s your favorite?” You asked.

He swiftly nipped your left ass cheek before moving back up your body. “Like I said, it wasn’t an easy decision to make. There are so many things I love about you for different reasons.” He kissed your left shoulder. “And those are just the physical things.” He proceeded to lay his body directly on top of yours. His head rested between your shoulder blades and his arms snaked their way around your stomach. “Is this alright?”

You smiled and nodded. “Yeah, I like feeling your weight on me. It lets me know you’re here. You’re like a warm blanket.” He chuckled before letting his eyes close. 

*****

“Finally. I missed you!” You said softly as you watched Joel wake up beside you.

“I was here the whole time.” He said with a heavy amount of rasp in his voice.

“No, I missed you!” You replied, meaning his soul, his being. 

“I’m happy to know you’re not just using me for my body.” He responded jokingly.

“Did you dream about me?” You teased.

“I did actually.” Joel stretched before propping himself up on his arm to get a good look at you.

“Care to share with the class?”

A smirk broke onto his face. “We were in this strange building, nowhere in Jackson. It was cold and there was a blizzard outside so we decided to take shelter in it. I was buildin’ a fire in the fireplace and you were scavenging I think. Once everythin’ was said and done, you came back to me in the living room. You said you were cold so I pulled you closer to the fire. You struggled to get warm; you were shiverin’ violently, so then I proposed an idea.”

“And what was that?” You asked.

“That we take off our clothes. Combine our body heat.” He looked up at you coyly. “I laid a few blankets down on the floor and stripped you down. You kept shivering so I got on top of you,” He moved below the sheets to hover over your body. “and brought the thick blanket over both of our bodies. I couldn’t take my eyes off you.” The memory of the dream replayed through his mind as he cupped your cheek. “The light of the fire flickered across your features. I spread your legs open with my knee before lowering myself onto you. Your one leg wrapped around me and your arms snaked around my neck. You clung onto me so tight.” You wrapped your hand behind Joel’s neck and guided him down to kiss you. With your other hand, you gently pressed down on his back so he could lower his body onto yours. You widened the space between your legs to accommodate his body. “I licked and kissed the curve of your neck to help warm you up.” He said before doing the exact same thing to you in bed. His voice then lowered to a whisper. “First, I kissed your top lip, then the bottom lip.” He let out a moan as he continued to reenact. “I grinded against your soft thigh and rubbed your shy, little button between my fingers. I kept going until I felt how wet you were. Then, I slid my cock over your slit and back over your clit; my cock now slick because of you.” He licked his fingers and reached down. He rimmed his fingers around your folds to lubricate them before giving attention to your clit. His breath began to quicken in pace as the pressure grew in his cock. He tucked his face in the curve of your neck to give it attention in between words. “I asked you if you were warm yet. You told me that you were starting to get there.” You were happy to hear that his job wasn’t done. “I wrapped your other leg up ‘round my back and slipped my middle finger inside you. I knew I’d reached that spot you liked by the way your back arched up into me.” 

His finger flexed and danced along the bundle of nerves inside you. He took it out without warning, much to your dissatisfaction, and spread your collected essence along his length. You could feel him holding it in his hands as you bucked your hips up toward the only thing your body was craving. He lifted his hips a bit and looked down at your middle before guiding his cock inside you. Slowly, he slid it in, not stopping until he bottomed out. He was careful to listen to the way your breath kept hitching in your throat as you anticipated his touch. His second stroke is just as long and deep. The tiny curve in his cock was just enough to tickle the spot inside you. His strokes became thrusts as he increased the speed. He held onto your thighs to keep your legs in place behind his back. His moans only got deeper and yet breathier while yours sounded like you were holding on for dear life. He swiveled his hips as he tried to go deeper in an attempt to give attention to every single nerve ending inside you. The wet, squishy sounds your entrance made every time he found his way back in made you even more aroused. You could tell he was about ready to explode with the way his head twitched against your walls. The movements were erratic. You reached down between your bodies and gave a gentle squeeze to his balls and that’s all it took. He let out this long, strained moan and ropes of warm cum spilled out of him. That very sensation was your own trigger. He continued to thrust into you, albeit sloppily. The sounds became wetter as you felt the juices from your own release mix with his inside you. 

Joel collapsed onto you. He felt your skin slick with sweat and knew that he succeeded in his mission of raising your body temperature. As much as he wanted to watch his cum dribble out of you, he stayed there inside you. He glanced at you; your eyes were still closed in ecstasy. After a few moments, he  looked down at the vision underneath the sheets as he watched his slick cock slide out. With the subtle sound of a ‘pop’, his head left your entrance and a narrow stream of cum dribbled out in it’s wake. It glistened down your folds and onto the bed. He couldn’t be mad at the scene, knowing that he must have filled you to capacity. 

It wasn’t until Joel laid on his back and let the air hit his sweat did he realize the atmosphere he was in. He was not in his dream anymore. It was summertime and the breeze that flowed through the window was too warm to cool him off. He knew that you probably felt the same. 

He turned to you and slid his hand up and down the space between your breasts. “Want to share a bath?” 

Still with your eyes closed, you smiled. “I thought you’d never ask.”

[i-love-side-characters]

What did you think of the end of The Toll?

!!! TOLL SPOILERS !!! PROCEED WITH CAUTION !!!

Scythe Cult:  @honorablescythecurie @honorablescythefaraday @palli-x @book-limerence @lochscinders @a-lonely-tatertot @shellyseashell

bored? send me serotonin please <3

Okay now lets get a couple things out of the way. I haven’t read Toll in a little bit, and it’s taking forever to come from the library. Also, yes I did have it downloaded before, but I kept rereading Faraday’s journal entry when he find out Curie is dead. I know, I’m trash for them but honestly let me have this #curiedeservedbetter2021 #faradaydeservedbetter2021 #curadayforlife

Now that we’ve established that I’m just lonely and so I cling onto healthy (ish) fictional couples for my source of love, let’s proceed.

Things I remember:

 - Rowan and Citra go zoomy zoom into spacey space, but Citra’s deadish because Goddard pulled some shit and so Rowan’s going to wait a couple hundred years for her to wake up

 - Total hottie Ayn Rand shanked Goddard which is honestly a power move you go girl

 - Faraday and Munira unleashed the failsafe, which basically infected a whole bunch of people and now Scythes just kill the infected people so that there’s no suffering

 - Jeri!!! and Greyson!!! Babeys!!! Smol Beans!!! My genderfluid babey with my weird Jesus man it’s a match made by the Thunderhead (because it literally is)

 - Rowan and Citra (who renounced her Scythehood) are going to start a new colony on some random ass planet

Things I don’t remember:

 - Whatever happen with Cirrus

 - Whatever happen with Joel the Jobe Man

 - Whatever happen with Loriana and Munira who are totally in love Shusterman said Sapphic rights 

Okay Akki stfu lets move on:

Okay. I didn’t really like it. I did like Rowan’s sarcasm, but the ending fell a little flat. Compared to the other books’ endings, I didn’t really think it measured up. It was just a bit bland. Here’s why.

The end goal:

Let’s just work our way through the series to show why The Toll just didn’t really work for me.

Scythe - Book 1:

Goal/Climax:

The goal/climax of the book was clear. Citra and Rowan are fighting for the ring. Only one can get it, and the winner has to glean the other. 

The ending:

Citra wins the ring, and is ordained. Instead of actually killing (gleaning) Rowan, she slyly grants him immunity by punching him so that his blood’s DNA would transfer to the database and no Scythe could kill him.  We also got a confession scene where they tell each other they love the other. It ends with Rowan finding out that Faraday did not self-glean.

Why it works:

It is tense. We are watching the two main characters have to either kill the other or be killed. Neither want to. It is clear from their actions throughout that they harbour feelings for each other. This is a high stakes situation. And it flows nicely. We don’t have any unnecessary dialogue/scenes. We don’t have a dumb solution to the problem where a bunch of unnecessary events happen like a character death/romantic scene. They do tell the other that they love them, but the moment is quick and is not the focus of the moment. The focus is on the actual ordainment ceremony and the challenge. The solution directly addresses the main conflict of the book.

Thunderhead - Book 2:

Goal/Climax:

Goddard and Citra (now Anastasia) are presenting their arguments as to who will win the inquest. The inquest was called because Anastasia and Curie needed time to gain more votes in favour of Curie for the position of High Blade. 

The ending:

Anastasia and Curie win the inquest, and Goddard must complete a full new apprenticeship in order to train his new body. Goddard, however, has tricks up his sleeve. He had made a plan prior to the events on Endura to cripple the Grandslayers tower. The plan changes, but works to his favour and destroys the entire island. Curie, in a desperate attempt to save Rowan and Citra, locks them in an airtight chamber that will preserve them so they can be revived. With this sacrifice, Curie is forced to self glean.

“She thrust her blade inward, directly into her heart. She fell to the ground only seconds before the sea would wash over her, but she knew death would wash over her faster. And the blade hurt far less than she imagined it would, which made her smile. She was good. Very, very good.”

-Thunderhead, page 499

Why it works:

*violently screams in my head* I’m good don’t worry

It is a logical ending. If Curie and Anastasia had won the inquest and survived Endura, there would be no need for a third book, unless Shusterman had decided to write a book about Curie being High Blade and Goddard sulking in the shadows and plotting to kill her. That wouldn’t work because I don’t think there is any possible way Curie wouldn’t catch Goddard in two seconds because she’s a boss.

Many people say that Curie should have gotten Rowan to lock her and Anastasia in the vault instead of him. Rowan would have died for Anastasia, it makes sense, but that takes away from the very essence of Curie’s character. She is a truly Honourable Scythe. She knows that Anastasia loves him, and she cares deeply about Anastasia. Letting herself survive would have been completely out of character. She also knows that Anastasia is the future of the Scythedom. While it would be a great help if Curie didn’t die, as well as sparing us emotional trauma, it doesn’t make sense for her character.

This ending also directly “solved” the issue in the book. While the villain won, it was a satisfying ending. Curie is dead, that was a very smart move, because obviously Goddard wouldn’t survive two seconds if she was there. It gave us a good reason for the Thunderhead to disappear.

 *violently screams again* Curie died, yeah, no, I’m okay

The Toll - Book 3: *note that some details may be wrong

Goal/Climax:

Faraday, Rowan, Jeri, Munira, Loriana, Anastasia, Greyson, and Cirrus need to figure out what to with the frozen Tonists, all unknowing that Scythes Goddard and Rand are heading towards the island. They still need to beat him in order to make sure that the non-Scythe population won’t be subject to bias/malice/aforethought/Goddard’s ego. 

The ending:

Rowan, and Citra, who renounced her Scythehood, travel to another planet that can support life with the frozen Tonists, as well as 42 other ships carrying Tonists. Cirrus is copied into 42 different versions in order to save humanity. After being offered Citra’s old ring, Munira (I believe) returns to the Library of Alexandria. Faraday follows through with the failsafe and gleans only the suffering. Greyson and Jeri stay together on the island, and become romantically involved. Scythe Rand is the one who eventually kills Goddard.

Why it DOESN’T work:

Okay, there’s a lot to unpack here. I’m just going to go character by character and by the plot.

1. Plot - It just doesn’t make sense. The hero’s solution doesn’t in any way stop Goddard, who is the main villain. We’ve led up to this for a very long time, and Rand is the one who gleans him. If I’m correct, The main characters don’t interact with Goddard for nearly the entire book, save Rowan. The solution, to save humanity by colonizing other planets would, without Rand’s interference, let Goddard wreak his havoc on the world. Only Scythe Faraday and Morrison could truly challenge him, and even then Faraday is old and hasn’t kept his abilities refined, and Morrison is young and inexperienced and wears a denim robe.

2. Rand and Goddard’s Arcs - Rand is the one who kills Goddard. I think that this was a very interesting move, and one that made a lot of sense. Goddard has treated her terribly, it would satisfy her arc of turning against him, as well as giving her a redemption arc that would also avenge Tyger’s death. I think that this is actually a really good arc, were it not for the fact that Citra and Goddard never fought/interacted with each other. If there had been a fight, and Rand had killed him then, that would have been better and would have better satisfied the actual conflict in the book.

3. Rowan and Citra’s Arcs - In terms of Citra’s arc, I think it was emotionally impactful to have her renounce her Scythehood. But Rowan didn’t have as much of a part to play in this book as he could have had. Citra and Goddard also never interacted, which would have been very interesting since he was the direct cause of her mentor and canon mother figure’s death. It would have been an interesting scene that could have played out really well. Based on Discord texts from a conversation I had, I know an reminded that the last two pages of The Toll were incredibly impactful and beautiful. I don’t have much to say about Rowan since I don’t remember much of his role.

4. Jeri, Greyson, Loriana, and Munira’s Arcs - I paired these four together since their doings aren’t very solid after the books. Jeri and Greyson are canonically together, which I think was a great move by Shusterman. Having a main character in a healthy relationship with a canon LGBTQ+ character was incredibly impactful for me, and it satisfied Greyson’s thoughts about how he doesn’t care if Jeri is a boy or a girl, he just loves them. Loriana didn’t have as much of an arc, but Munira did have a small one. Her refusal of the Scythe’s ring let her dispense of her hatred for Scythes and their system, and let her let go of her bitter feelings about not being ordained. 

5. Cirrus’ Arc? - I do not remember enough to speak about Cirrus’ role in the books.

6. Faraday’s Arc - This is probably the one I have the most to say about. I am sorry in advance. Faraday is an emotional character. He has cried canonically twice as far as I can remember, once when he gleaned a child, and the other when he found out Scythe Curie and Anastasia had died on Endura. He is also openly disgusted with Scythe Goddard and his practices, which is why I supremely dislike his arc. It would have been so interesting to see how he would have reacted if Scythe Goddard and the heroes had interacted during the end scene of The Toll. We know he is an Honourable Scythe, like Curie, and upholds the Scythe Commandments, especially after his punishment over his breaking of the 9th commandment “Thou shalt have no spouse nor spawn.” It would have been so. interesting. to see whether Faraday would snap and attack Goddard, if he would try and talk to him, how he would react. Like with Anastasia, he would have been interacting with Curie’s murderer. The potential of that moment! Don’t forget that Faraday is definitely still in love with Curie, based on his elevated heart rate in Thunderhead, and his journal entry in The Toll. I think it would have been so interesting to see him confront her killer.

Summary:

Okay that was much longer than I intended, and I have more thoughts, but it’s 2:40 am and I haven’t slept in a while. So my summary. I liked The Toll. It was a solid book, that had funny moments, jaw dropping moments, heartfelt moments, and emotionally impactful scenes. It was a solid book.

I don’t think it compared as much to the other two, especially Thunderhead. The ending fell a little flat and didn’t carry the arcs as well as I would have liked, but honestly, I still reread it. Shusterman really managed to pull at your emotions.

Because I just beat up on the book for the last couple paragraphs, let me tell you some of my favourite parts of the book.

1. Literally any scene with Possuelo and Anastasia that dynamic was so good and him calling her “meu anjo” literally made my heart do a little happy dance the father-daughter dynamic was what we needed. It also offered a nice levity to tough scenes.

2. The Rowan-Anastasia Reunion. They ran towards each other and knocked each other off their feet. Ohhhh my god, they ran towards each other and knocked each other off their feet! That was so cute, and as someone who was a strong supporter of platonic Rowan & Anastasia, I honestly loved it.

3. Faraday-Anastasia Reunion. Him dropping to his knees in front her her, her initial confusion as to who he was, and the “perhaps the greatest of all Scythes was kneeling in front of her” part killed me. Their reunion was so well written and heart-wrenching.

4. Anastasia Cries about Curie’s Death. I feel like WatchMojo right now. Anyways, the way her emotions break after trying to repress her sadness over her mentor’s sacrifice for her.

5. Rowan’s sarcasm. Beauty. What a power move to sass the guy who’s going to set you on fire in front of 3000 people.

6. Scythe Constantine and Rand. What a dynamic I wasn’t ready for. Rand’s cool comebacks with Constantine’s sly personality just made for the most amazing dialogue opportunities. 

Thank you anon!

[hitbythunder]

Chandrilan Moons - 2

A Kylo Ren x Reader story with much angst, possessiveness and dark themes (warnings will be updated as the story progresses) –> Read also on AO3

Summary: Growing up under the loving care of your foster-mother, Leia Organa, there had been nothing for you and Rey to want for. Though not of kin, you loved Rey as your sister and spent a happy childhood with her on Chandrila. But when the boiling galactic politics demanded for Leia to take action, for the Resistance to rise and fight, the girls could no longer evade the cruelty of the world. Kylo Ren sought a map as a key to revenge, to freedom, and had no use for a force-unsensitive young girl like you. You were simply a means to an end. Until his darkness latched onto you, drawn in by your light as you were by the demon that is Kylo Ren - inevitably gravitating towards each other, bound to be one. Like the Chandrilan moons.

****

____________________________xXx____________________________ 2- Prologue II

It was the following afternoon, when we had lunch with our friends Poe and Rose, as well as two other pilots of Poe's unit.

Dean and Jared? Jack? - I really should pay more attention to such things, if I want to get better at socializing.

Most of the time I felt somewhat uncomfortable even among friends, while Rey seemed to be just in her element, conversing in a charming and slightly flirting manner with ease.

"So what's this about you super-secret mission Poe?" Rose inquired over desert.

"Well it is terribly dangerous and absolutely top-secret, I can assure you." the curly-haired pilot replied, smirking sassy as he leaned with one arm on the table, body twisted casually to the side. He hadn't touched his chocolate-pudding, which he never did actually, and because Rey was too proud to ask for it they would engage in cunning banter before he would eventually give it to her. I had watched the process far too many times by now and thus had begun to bring my holopad to lunch, zoning out in between to read the latest news across the galaxy.

"Oh come on, Dameron!" one of the unnamed pilots groaned, obviously envious of Poe's status as most proficient pilot and commander of the starfighter-fleet.

"Yeah, Poe, give us at least a hint. I know you're dying to boast about it!" Rey grinned from ear to ear, far too much enjoying teasing her friend, while Rose snickered like a little girl with giddiness. In her opinion, Rey and Poe were the perfect couple and the way they stared at teach other with moony eyes was just so romantic - or so Rose had described it to me a few weeks back.

They surely are a handful together, I mused as I watched the exchange, soon choosing to return my attention to the holopad in my lap, browsing through some news.

"Sorry, ladies. My lips-" Poe closed his mouth, index-finger brushing languidly across his full lips in an almost sensual manner. "-are sealed." Pilot #2 whistled indecently, Rose blushing even harder, while Rey remained cool and just glared at Poe. "Fine. I won't tell you of our super-important mission either." she leaned back in her chair and gestured between me and herself.

"You're allowed to go on a mission?" Rose almost jumped out of her seat at the news and the guys too looked rather surprised. Rey's proud smile widened, sitting up straighter in her chair. It was common knowledge around the base that the General stubbornly refused to let her girls go off-planet despite our persistent pleading.

"No way you got the General around on this one." Poe shook his head incredulously, fluffing up his curly brown locks by doing so. Stars, no wonder half of the base's population (aka the female part) fell for the rhoughish pilot.

"You bet we did." Rey scoffed beside her, folding her arms across her chest. "She can't keep us on the ground forever, anyways. In two days we're off and finally get to see someplace else!"

"But you're not in for something too dangerous, are you?" Rose, to the other side of Rey, brought genuine concern to the discussion, the worried expression on her round face most endearing.

"Of course not. Just an easy one, in and out. We'll be back before you know it." came Rey's reply that seemed to put poor Rose at least a little at ease, but pilot #1 apparently didn't bother as he said:

"In and out like on Felucia, you mean?" meant as a joke, his words hung like a dark cloud above the small group, no-body laughing. Rose sat motionless, eyes big and watery. Reflexively, I put my hand on Rey's forearm, sensing her anger as she glared at the pilot from across the table.

"Kriff, Joel!" his comrade hissed at the same time as Poe hit him at the back of his head, not too hard but enough to make him shut up.

Eight months ago, a Resistance unit had been sent to negotiate with possible new allies on Felucia, an insignificant jungle planet with few inhabitants and little natural resources. Thus making for an ideal meeting point if one was to avoid unwanted attention. But after years of (partially open) war, which only marginally impeded the growing influence and military power of the First Oder, the few parties that had maintained their neutrality so far weren't all too eager to change that. It had taken all of Leia's disarming charm, experience and then some convincing to even agree on that meeting on Felucia. And it had ended in a disaster.

Through a well-placed spy, as confirmed later, the First Order had been aware of the meeting and seized this opportunity to remind the rest of the galaxy of the consequences should one merely even consider to side with the Resistance. The knights of Ren, rumored creatures of legend and vile descent, the First Order's most effective and feared unit had been sent there, led by none other than Kylo Ren, rumored heir of Darth Vader. In their wake they had brought destruction and death upon Felucia, hunting and slaughtering every living soul in a blood frenzy. Rose had lost a brother that day, the Resistance yet another straw of hope to turn the tides of the war.

"It will be nothing like that." said I and leaned towards Rose, who nodded in reply and forced her tears away. Hopefully, though, fate wouldn't prove me wrong.

On my way to the private quarters of the base, I walked past the canteen, stopped there as I could make out cheerful voices from within. A moment later, as I was about to peek further into the small hall, Poe appeared in front of me.

"Sorry for Joel's behavior yesterday. He's just a tactless idiot and I know how close you are with Rose." Poe began with a rueful tone, rubbing the back of his head which caused his locks to fluff up even more. It was an unexpected exchange and although he was wrong about me and Rose being besties - that was more Rey to be honest - I felt somewhat flattered by his concern for my opinion about him or his comrades.

"Thanks, Poe. Though he should be apologizing to Rose but that's not your responsibility." I replied and when his face lit up more, I quickly averted my gaze. An odd silence fell between us, which the pilot didn't hesitate to fill in his charming manner.

"Anyways, we're just hanging out before the mission tomorrow." he gestured towards the occupied table at the back of the otherwise empty hall, paused, then turned fully towards me. "Wanna join us?"

As if on cue, when our gazes met, my heart quickened and I felt heat rising to my cheeks. Now he was indeed flattering me, because so far I had only been invited along with Rey to such gatherings and never personally. Since I hadn't had that much experience with guys in my young life, this sudden attention of the handsome pilot surely felt exciting. But as tempting as it was, I had to decline.

"I'd love to, really, but I have meditation-lessons with Rey... and Leia will know if I skip them."

Not that I'm improving that much recently... Still no force-connection in sight...

"Oh, don't bother." how easily Poe waved of a rebuff, so sure of himself, and added without an ounce of doubt: "Then we'll grab a drink together when I'm back."

With a disarming smile and a wave of his hand, Poe made his leave to return to his comrades, while I remained standing at the doorway as if in a stupor, my mind still turning over his words.

Does he mean 'we' as in 'you and I', like the two of us? Have I just been asked out by Poe Dameron?!

"Yeah, great! I-" I stumbled most awkwardly and was probably red as a tomato by now, whispered all to myself as I proceeded down the corridor with a smile. "I'd love that."

+++

+Present day - on board the Finalizer, orbiting Jakku+

Deadly silence hung over the command center of the ship, officers in grey and black uniforms tapping very quietly at their workstations, while General Hux and Kylo Ren had a small stand-off in the middle of the bridge. Although everyone was curious about their conversation, eaves-dropping wasn't a feasible option because the Commander would know immediately if someone's mind was not occupied with their work.

Kylo sensed the staff's unease at his presence, their distrust bordering on superstition regarding his powers, but by now he didn't care much about it. In fact, to have his subordinates tremble at his name gave him a distinct kind of satisfaction as well as affirmation that he was becoming a major entity within the galaxy, a person not to be meddled with. With that in mind, he let his gaze sweep over the sheep beneath him and felt the Force rippling with their fear. If not for his helmet, one could have spied the tiny smirk tugging at his lips then.

"The Supreme Leader will be most displeased if we don't acquire the map soon." Hux's voice brought Kylo back to the task at hand, his helmeted head snapping back towards the ginger-haired man.

"Then why did it slip your grasp twice now?" his voice a hiss, barely concealing his contempt for the man as well as his methods. But before Hux could even think of a snippy reply, an officer to their left announced that the droid containing the sought-after map had been sighted on Takodana.

"Excellent!" Hux beamed and barked a few commands to get a squadron of troopers on-site immediately, a sudden agitation filling the room as everyone was eager to comply.

"Prepare my ship!" Kylo ordered a nearby officer, then said to Hux in a no less commanding voice: "I'll go in myself and get that map."

"How gracious of you to join the efforts." the General sneered, but could not hide his wounded-pride at the repeated failure of his men regarding that blasted map. As reserved and in control Hux might think himself to be, his beetle-eyes betrayed his every emotion so that Kylo didn't even need the Force to have a good guess at the man's thoughts.

"It's not my head that rolls first if this gets fucked up again." he stated boldly and loud enough for everyone to hear, leaving behind a fuming Hux as he marched out of the command center. Truth as it may be that Snoke wouldn't punish Kylo for the loss of the map - not severely and perhaps not even directly - Kylo couldn't let that chance go wasted. If he wanted to shed his former life and become stronger in the Dark Side he needed to best his old master, his cursed uncle, once and for all.

First Luke Skywalker, then Snoke himself, so that there would be no one left to challenge him.

[harryspaceshipmchale]

Is it just me or does Joel never actually answer any Jeff x Annie question lol like idk if he hates the J/A ship (or just doesn’t like talking about ships in general) but it just seems like he always either avoids talking about J/A directly or manages to somehow change the topic? I mean obviously he’s entitled to his opinion if it’s not his cup of tea but the only thing he’s said about it that I can find is his story about one of the Russo brothers shouting “Now that’s a finale!” about the J/A kiss in 1x25... but even that isn’t actually his opinion on J/A as a couple... I have a feeling that he prefers J/B (which makes no sense to me but whatever lmao)... thoughts?

Wow long time no Tumblr but felt like I couldn’t ignore a Q!

Tbh, I think when it comes to plot, storylines, character arcs etc, Joel doesn’t really ever say much or express what he thinks should or shouldn’t have happened. He always tends to go back to the point that Dan is the creator of the show and he knows what’s best - for example, he never gives a serious answer as to what Jeff would be doing post-S6 because he thinks Dan should be in control, SO, I think this applies to J/A too. 

I also think he’s very aware he doesn’t want to upset people - if he shows support for J/A, he’s letting down people who ship J/B and vice versa, so, I think he usually stays neutral. 

I’ve never heard him saying anything *explicitly* anti-Jeff/Annie but he has made jokes (like in his book about the age gap) but... I’m not surprised. He makes jokes about everything!

I would love to hear his sincere, thoughts. I just don’t think that will happen *sigh*

[quintessence-sentimentalist]

Hey, thanks for answering my Hay LinxEric question. Now, how would you fix IrmaxJoel?

Sorry for the delay on this—I haven’t been in quite the right mindset for the in-depth analyses as of late, and the question of how to fix this couple is a tricky one.

Don’t get me wrong, it is a very good one. Compared to a number of the other relationship fix-its I’ve considered (CxC, Nigel x Taranee) where I haven’t had a particular attachment to the couples, I actually have a lot of feelings about and adoration for Irma and Joel. And while that can also be said about HLxE, my perspective on Irma x Joel is a bit different.

Namely, the fact that I love their platonic relationship as it was presented in canon, and would actually have been pretty aligned if they were kept that way for the rest of the series.

(But of course, we couldn’t even have that, as any sort of acknowledgement of their relationship was wiped out of existence, and then referenced out of nowhere and without explanation many, many issues later with Joel thinking on how “Aw, we used to be friends, but not anymore.”)

I’m not saying I don’t ship them romantically (I do, and we’ll get into my fix-it of that later on in this ramble), but it wouldn’t have necessarily been a deal-breaker if they didn’t end up together. Admittedly, I’d probably be eating those words if Irma and Joel were still hanging out by the time Stephen (or, really, any brand-new love interest) came into the story, if only because throwing Irma into a romantic relationship without any real on-page emotional buildup doesn’t sit right with me no matter how I slice it. To be fair, that’s also just a me thing, because I prefer my ships to have a strong personal foundation over having the characters be drawn together primarily because of looks, etc., so there’s definitely room for different views. 

For me personally, though, the only way I’d really be behind a non-IxJ endgame is if a) Irma didn’t end up with anyone (which could have been great! The other girls were single at various times in the series, but having Irma be the one who’d never been in any sort of relationship would have been good to show that it’s more than okay to not have a significant other at that age), or b) Irma ended up in a relationship with someone else with whom she already has a long-established emotional connection (i.e. I’m not counting an old summer camp crush that we’ve only just learned of when it’s convenient to the in-story events). Seeing as that second option pretty much leaves us with either the other girls (which is fair) or Martin (not as sold on this one, but it’s a little bit better than their animated series counterparts), that would potentially have to be a fix-it as well.

Regardless of Irma’s relationship status—in a similarly meaningful one or not in one at all—let’s look at a fix for platonic Irma x Joel. Honestly, this one can just be summed up as LET THEM REMAIN CLOSE FRIENDS.

Really, it’s… it’s not that hard. Kandrakar knows that I love these girls and their bond, but I also like to see their lives outside of Guardianship, and that means that they can have other friends beyond each other. (Which they did try to do with Taranee and having Luke and Sheila, and I appreciate the effort, even if it wasn’t really executed in the best way.) Irma and Joel were something special, with their shared adoration for Karmilla and complementary senses of humor and, frankly, the fact that neither of them initially considered each other in a different sort of light. They had so much in common, their personalities resounded with each other so beautifully—all these qualities building up to what I’d dare call soulmate material—and all either of them can think is, “Hey, this is an awesome friendship!” And I adore that.

Which is why I can’t fathom why they’d suddenly do away with a relationship that had been lovingly (and largely platonically) tended to on the side for a number of story arcs.

I’m going to caveat that I have only read New Power and beyond but once in my life so far, and a good number of years ago, to boot. I have no actual recollection of whether or not there was any sort of explanation for why the two of them stopped hanging out (besides that offhand comment that they just don’t anymore, which was given to us… oh, three or four arcs later?). No idea if there was any sort of confrontation between Joel and Stephen and Joel out-of-character gets jealous—I wouldn’t put it past them to have done this (which is awful), but given the notoriousness of vanishing things without any warning that inspired this whole damn fix-it series, there’s a fighting chance for it to have gone either way. 

Regardless of what actually happened in canon, there is no concrete reason why Irma having a healthy, happy friendship with someone of the same gender as her new significant other had to be done away with. Even if it could be argued that Irma and Joel had romantic chemistry and ooooooohhhh that could be a threat to her new relationship (um, no.), the two of them had already dealt with those potential feelings back at the end of the Book of Elements/beginning of the Ragorlang arc, and while they didn’t deny that the potential was there, there was unspoken agreement that both were more comfortable as friends at the moment. If we were to use that attraction as a justification against keeping their friendship around while one or both were in other relationships, it just wouldn’t—in a very apt turn-of-phrase—hold water. And there isn’t a reason at all to drop it if there’s no romantic relationship(s) happening whatsoever.

So yeah. Base-level fix-it for Irma and Joel is keep their friendship.

But let’s take it a step further and look at a fix-it for an IxJ romance. I’ll admit that I volleyed around a couple different thoughts about this, even going so far as being sold on an end-of-series-payoff slow-burn like I originally thought we got with Cornelia and Peter (back when I thought the series ended at issue #74 like the Philippines comics did). And while that could have worked for them, I thought back and realized that so many of the canon ships had big moments like that. Will and Matt have their Big Damn Kiss after facing off against Cedric and Matt discovering the truth. Hay Lin and Eric have their joyful spur-of-the-moment kiss when Hay gives him the CD he wanted. As mentioned, Cornelia and Peter have their supposedly-final issue culmination of long-brewing chemistry. And of course, let’s not forget Cornelia and Caleb’s fairytale romance in the early days.

Really, all the relationships—except Taranee and Nigel, although the tradeoff for that was long, drawn-out conflict—officially kick off with a fireworks-level big bang. It’s a Moment when the couples come together, something to be remembered. And with Irma being Irma, loveable loudmouth as she is, it’d make sense for her to have something like that as well—a blurted confession, maybe, or a deep, passionate first kiss.

That’s why I’m of the camp that would have a quiet, but no less meaningful resolution to Irma and Joel’s romantic feelings.

We all know Irma’s the outgoing type—natural comedian always on-hand, outspoken to a fault, passionate and unabashedly loud. But a number of times over the series, we’ve seen her have to get introspective or at least a bit more low-key (oftentimes in the wake of an outburst that hurts someone else). These quieter moments usually offer some great character studies and development for Irma, and I’d like to think that, if given the chance to accept and want to act on her deeper feelings for Joel, it would happen in a similar way.

Just give me the two of them hanging out like usual, but maybe with not as much chatter. Joel is playing his guitar, Irma’s kicked back with a magazine that she’s only half-paying attention to as she listens. Eventually, the magazine drops further and further from her face as her gaze drifts fully to Joel and that goofy face he makes whenever he hits that one chord and that warm fond feeling she gets…

Her thoughts skitter to a sudden stop, but she tries not to let it show outwardly. It’s been a long time since Irma’s thought of Joel in any more-than-friendly terms, probably not since the mix-up with the note to Karmilla that first brought the idea to her mind. It had been an accident, and maybe she hadn’t fully realized—or at the very least hadn’t been ready—to confront those feelings by that point, but the inklings were there. And they’re still here, and maybe a little bit more than just inklings, and maybe she’s actually ready to admit them.

So Irma sets down the magazine altogether, and carefully slides a little closer to Joel’s side. The movement doesn’t go unnoticed, but he looks up only in faint curiosity—not at all startled or displeased. Irma just returns with a small smile, maybe a little nervous (is this too much too fast? Does he even feel the same way anymore?). But there’s no need for worry—or even words, for that matter—as the two of them have always been so in-sync, and are in perfect alignment on this in particular. That’s clearly proven when Joel grins back and carefully shifts his body and guitar so Irma can comfortably settle in right next to him.

(There are words later, of course, if only to make absolutely certain they’re both on the same page, and just because hearing it out loud makes it feel so real. And really, things don’t change that much in their relationship—they still laugh and crack jokes and tease each other to no end, just with a bit more cuddling and kisses and comfy quiet between them, where neither feels the need to fill the silence just because.

And because I’m predictable, a situation wherein Joel gets clued in to the Guardian Secret would involve Joel being very understanding and patient… and also terrifyingly aware that he is never again going to win in a water fight against his girlfriend.)

So. Apparently I had more thoughts on Irma and Joel fix-its than I thought, but I also have zero regrets and too damn many feelings.

[ella-se-vuelve-loca]

Chapter 6

Grand Masterlist , Series Masterlist

Wanna be tagged for future fics?

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Previous Chapter

I know these chapters have been kinda shit lately lol but please, bare with me. I’ve never written a series before awsedrf anyways, I’ve written the rest of the chapters and I can’t wait to share them with y’all! I hope you guys enjoy chapter 6! x

~~

“Joel, you’re making a big mistake.”

“If you really like someone, you shouldn’t give up on them so easily.”

Richard just doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m not making a mistake –  I know what I’m doing. Sure I feel bad about this, but this has to pay off in the end, right?

I have to be honest with myself though… (Y/N) is actually pretty cool and funny. If I wasn’t doing this, then we might actually be great friends. I do wonder how long this little thing will last though. I don’t want to drag her too deep and have her fall for me because then that would be cruel… I mean, what I’m doing right now isn’t good either, but this is different.

It’s been a couple days since I’ve last seen my group of friends, but it’s definitely been a couple of minutes since I’ve last spoken to (Y/N). We’re currently playing Battleship through GamePigeon on messages.

Chime

‘Oh you little fucker. You’re cheating somehow >:(’

I smirked and wrote back to her, finishing my turn. Sinking, yet again, another one of her ships.

‘You’re a sore loser :P you just suck at hiding your shit from me’

I laughed at her comments and continued beating her at this little game we’re playing. “Joel?” I looked up from my phone and saw all the boys’ faces on me. “Hmm? What?”

“We’ve been talking to you for the past couple of minutes. Who are you texting?” Erick asked as I noticed Christopher had a knowing look on his face. “Uh just a friend..” I quickly put my phone in my pocket and cleared my throat. “Just  a friend?” Zabdiel asked, wiggling his eyebrows up and down playfully. “Oh my – ”

Chime

I didn’t dare look down at my phone as they all waited, looking at me with anticipation. “… You gonna get that?” Richard asked. He especially cannot know about (Y/N) and what I’m doing. I shook my head and patted the phone that rested inside the pocket of my jeans. “No, I’d rather talk to you guys.”

“Dude, it’s okay. No need to get embarrassed.” Richard smiled. “We’re just teasing a little.” I nodded at him as they got back to what they were talking about. I waited a few minutes before looking down at my phone.

‘Aha! Gotcha! I finally found another one of your ships!’

I chuckled and wrote back to her.

‘So? I know where your last two are ;) prepare to accept defeat’

We continued texting each other until Yoandri decided to call me. I excused myself and walked out of the room until I knew no one could hear me. “Hello?” I asked. “Hey! It’s me.” I heard him say. “Hey.” A smile immediately plastered itself onto my face. “How are you, bro?”

“I’m doing okay. I’m just out with Johann and Sam right now getting some food and we were wondering if you wanted to join? It’s totally cool if you can’t or are not feeling up to it. You’re not obliged to say yes.”

“Oh uh..” Quick! Think! I would love to go, but the whole reason why I’m even going out with (Y/N) is so I don’t seem too available. I have to make it believable somehow. Doing this will make you-know-who want to spend more time with me. “You know what? I’m.. actually busy right now. I’m going out with someone later on today and I have to get ready.”

“Hey, it’s no problem!” I heard him chuckle and shuffle in the background. “Yeah, I’m really sorry man. We can hang out later on in the week?”

“Joel, it’s no big deal haha I get that you’re busy, so don’t worry about it... who are you meeting up with?” Innocent question, but I can’t quite tell him the whole truth. I could hear him chuckle on the other line as he waited for my answer. “What? Uh no one.. it’s just a girl I’ve been seeing..”

“Oh my God you finally got someone?” He exclaimed. “Scream it out for the world to hear, would you?”

“Oh come on! This is big news! How can you keep this from me?” He laughed. “It’s not a big deal.” I chuckled. “Does anyone else know about her?” I shook my head and almost forgot that he can’t see me. “Nah, just Chris but that’s about it.”

After a few minutes of him trying to pry more information out of me about her, he hung up the phone as I stood out into the hallway. I bet (Y/N) would be willing to go out today. She’s probably free anyways.

‘Hey, you wanna get dinner together later on? x’

I sent her a text and received one in return moments later.

‘Aahh I can’t today :( lol sorry! I’m having a night in with my girls :) x’

Well then.. there goes those plans.

‘When can I see you again? x’

‘Patience is a virtue, Pimentel lol I’ll let you know soon. x’

‘I’ll be patient for you, princesa. I’ll wait. x’

I don’t know why I called her “princesa”, it just slipped out. Hmm… I’m sure Chris is willing to go out. I walked back into the room where the rest of the boys were and walked up to Chris. “Hey man, you feel like going out right now?” I asked as he smiled. “Do you know me? Of course.”

The rest of the boys didn’t seem to mind that much as their attention was on the TV screen. A game of Mario Kart was being played. “Oh my God Erick, you really suck at this game!” Richard exclaimed as he made a sharp turn. “Ay cállate! I’m trying my best!” Erick laughed as his character bumped into Zabdiel’s. “Hey hey hey! Ten cuidado - me voy a caer!”

Christopher laughed, stood up and put her jacket on. “Vamanos.” He mentioned over to the door and started walking. “Ayo! When you guys are out, do you think you can bring back some food?” Richard asked as he passed the finish line, coming in 3rd place. “Sure thing. Any requests?” Chris asked as Richard shook his head. “I’m not picky.” We walked out the door and made our way towards his car.

“So, where do you feel like going?” He asked me as he started his car up. “No where in particular. Maybe we can just go out for a drive and we’ll see.” He nodded his head as we left.

“How have things been going with that girl you’ve been seeing?” He asked. “(Y/N)? It’s okay right now, she couldn’t go out today so..”

“Oh, I see.” He chuckled. “I’m your back up plan.”

“What? No, I – I didn’t mean..” He laughed and shook his head. “Dude, it’s fine. I don’t mind.” My face turned a bit red from embarrassment. “What’s she like?” His question caught me off guard. “What?”

“I’m sorry, but ever since I found out about her, I’ve just been curious of who she is.” He smiled. “Uh.. well.. I don’t know much about her yet, but I know she’s very sweet and really funny.” I said as I thought back to our text messages earlier. “One of her favorite drinks of Café de Olla, she wants to travel but her job doesn’t pay much so she hasn’t been able to go out in a while.”

“Where does she work?” He stopped at a red light and waited for me to continue. “At a HomeGoods somewhere around here. I bumped into her one day when I was there buying my stuff I needed.” I talked about her for a few minutes more, stating the facts that she’s told me on our coffee date a few days ago as realization now settled into my brain of how much I actually know about her. I guess playing 20 questions paid off for this specific moment.

“She sounds like a nice girl.” He smiled as he drove up to a Popeyes drive-thru. “Yeah, she is..” I guess I must have been paying attention to her more than I thought. Christopher started to order the food while I looked down at my phone. Maybe I just felt bad about doing this that I thought the least I could do was listen to some of her stories. Yeah, maybe that’s it.

He drove up to the next window, paid with his card and grabbed the food they handed him. “Have a good one.” Christopher smiled at the lady as she returned his smile. “You too.” He handed me the bags as the smell of chicken filled the air in his car.

“I wonder if Erick finally won a round of Mario Kart.” Christopher laughed as he started driving off. “Probably not, but I guess we’ll see when we get home.” I chuckled and looked out the window.

“Hey, Joel?” I turned to look over at him. “Yeah?”

“About (Y/N)… I’m actually really happy for you, bro. You know, to be in the puppy love stage in the beginning of a relationship is the best because everything feels new to the both of you.” He stated. “I’m happy that you found someone. I hope I get to meet her one day.” He smiled. “Yeah, I uh.. I guess we’ll just see.” I’m sorry, Chris, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen… I have to remind myself that she’s not the one I want. There’s someone else…

Next Chapter

[last-flight-of-fancy]

fatedeniedhope replied to your post “* sees people confused over various kh plot points * * is not people i...”

I would like yo know a bit. Only play kh 1 and chain of memories and half way to kh 2

oh boy there is a *lot* to cover here then!

I don’t mean that to sound intimidating, kh just has a tendency for long, sprawling interconnected plots (many of which are still unresolved even now)

i am also doing this entirely by memory, so if i’ve skimmed something i shouldn’t have its because my brain has stopped registering it as important; feel free to ask for clarification, i wrote this in one sitting because i was avoiding doing laundry XD

putting a cut because i am overviewing a Lot of game here and tbh there’s still a lot of stuff i am skimming or skipping entirely. I’m just trying to hit the highlights.

i don’t know where you stopped in 2, so i’m just gonna give a brief overview

-there is a boy named roxas

-he’s being hunted by these strangers called nobody’s

-things get weird

-turns out he’s sora’s nobody, as nobody’s are created when a person is turned into a heartless (which sora did during kh1)

-roxas returns to sora (”looks like my summer vacation is.. over...” whoops there goes my heart) and normal sora gameplay resumes.

-DIDNEY WORLDS

-turns out everyone forgot sora for a year bc of what happened in chain of memories (and also 358/2. dont worry about that yet we’ll get there). kairi sends out a bottle to “the boy she can’t remember” trying to call him home. (yes this is important)

-organization 13 (all what? eight of them left?) pops up, xemnas is cryptic, and they say their goal is to recreate kingdom hearts via sora killing heartless, since apparently only killing heartless with a keyblade sends the trapped hearts to Kingdom Hearts

      -this version of the tale persists through 358 as well. it’s.. half right.

-bla bla bla, shenanigans. there’s ansem (the boss from kh1) and a guy named diz. That isn’t who either of them actually are. It’s actually Riku (who tapped too far into the darkness trying to capture roxas for the whole twilight town scenario at the beginning of the game, thus altering his appearance to look like the guy who posessed him for a bit) and THE ACTUAL ANSEM (ie, the ruler(?) of radient garden before it fell, and the guy heartless ansem stole his name from.

-anyways

-sora goes off searching for riku, bc as far as he knows, he’s still lost out in the darkness.

-he’s not, he’s fine, but he’s super embarrassed about the whole ‘looking like the enemy’ thing and won’t let sora find him.

-sora casually murders most of the remaining organization members (only most of whom shot first)

-this continues on until axel attempts to kidnap kairi, who ends up in twilight town for a bit hanging out with the hayner/pence/ollete trio, before being slightly more successfully kidnapped a second time.

-and then she gets kidnapped again by saix. Axel apologises to sora over this. in his defence, he’s pretty desperate at this point (he just wants his friend(s) back)

-sora storms The World That Never Was, kairi is rescued by Namine.

-the trio finally meets up (namine disapeared at some point? yknow, i actually dont recall what happened to her in between these scenes), sora and kairi share a slightly awkward but sweet hug, and after a moments trepidation over ‘Ansem’, kairi tells/shows him its riku, at which point sora bursts into tears.

-i ship a lot of ot3′s, but sorikai is the OG ot3

-anyways

-namine and roxas have a very symbolic moment refusing with their Other’s, Namine opens a portal back to destiny islands so they can go home.

-everyone except sora and riku make it through, and thus commences several final fantasy style boss fights

-they win, of course, riku’s injured in the line of battle, and they limp out, having traversed several realms during the course of this battle, they’re now trapped on a beach in the realm of darkness. it’s the same beach everyone else seems to end up on in this place. There is only one beach in the RoD apparently

-they stay there a while, and then they pick up a message in a bottle; it’s from kairi, “to the boy she can’t remember”

-Feelings make a door to the light open, and sora and riku fall like actual comets from the sky and everybody’s reunited and happy. huzzah!

-.... well for a while anyways.

-should i get into the whole xemnas/xehanort/ansem thing here?

-eh

-okay so

-lets swing back into Birth By Sleep for a bit

-(im sorry if kh can’t hit any of its plot points in order i think its fair neither do i)

-BBS takes place roughly nine years prior to kh1, with the exception of bbs’s prologue, which i would estimate as being an additional four years prior to that

-during said prologue, we meet Master Xehanort, an incredibly old dude with brown skin, gold eyes, and a white beard. even newcomers to the series will probably recognise that only one type of person gets those colours in these games.

-we also meet baby Ventus, Xehanorts apprentice. He looks exactly like Roxas.

-shenanigans happen, Xehanort splits Ven’s heart in two, creating Vanitas, who is Ventus’s darkness.

-Vanitas’ whole shtick is he wants to be reunited with Ventus, ostensibly to create the X-blade (yes it’s pronounced exactly the same as ‘keyblade’ and yes, every single kh fan ive ever talked to has found this annoying af)

-unfortunately being split in two like that puts ven in a coma, and xehanort takes the unresponiseve body to destiny islands to dump it like unwanted ravioli

-luckily for ven, “a brand new hear” hears his hurt and reaches out to help, filling out the gaps left in his and allowing him to start recovering

-the heart is sora

-actual, literal baby sora reaching out to help people before he can even walk yet. 

-the game never spells this out explicitly, which makes it an easy plot point to miss if you aren’t paying attention

-ven doesn’t recover immidietly though, and xehanort sends him to live with his old friend Master Eraqus and his two teenage apprentices, Aqua and Terra

-here’s where we time skip, ventus is fully recovered, terra and aqua are young adults and about to take their Mark Of Mastery exams for becoming keyblade masters.

-Terra fails because he has darkness in his heart and also xehanort rigged it against him

-aqua passes and becomes a master. I love her very much.

-terra journey’s out to try and figure out where the darkness comes from

-vanitas taunts ven saying terra’s leaving him bc ven’s stupid or something and ven panics and chases after him (he’s like 14 and has a bit of a hero worship thing, stupid decisions are par for the course)

-eraqus sends aqua out to both spy on terra (he words it nicer but thats the gist of it), which aqua doesn’t particularly like but trusts her masters judgement and does it, and bring ventus home, which she is more on board with

-the biggest tragedy in bbs is that no one talks to each other

-stuff happens, they learn some stuff, aqua’s route has So Many Lesbian Feels with every single princess she runs into it brings me great delight

-Ventus learns the whole ‘fight your darkness to become the X-blade’ plot, eraqus learns this too and tries to kill ven. Terra busts in at the last moment and saves ven, at this point using his dark powers fully.

-#terrawasright

-eraqus dies, which i don’t think terra fully intended to do (he just wanted to save ven) and if you recall the scene in kh1 where kairi catches a falling sora only for him to burst into a bunch of floating glitter? imagine that but with two grown men

-aqua’s just trying to figure out whats going on. she gets to meet kairi (saves her from some heartless and then puts a charm on her necklace to keep her safe) and then meets Mickey, who will be our future duex ex machina

-they all meet for the final battle.

-ven asks his friends to murder him

-no one does that

-what the fuck ven

-they fight, and a lot of stuff sorta happens at the same time

-1: terra fights xehanort, who has essentially been spending the whole game prepping terra to be his next host. xehanort is a body snatcher confirmed. xehanort wins, terra becomes the fanon-named terranort.

-2: ventus fights vanitas. vanitas reveals his face, and he looks exactly like a colour swapped version of sora. (also voiced by the same voice actor! it’s actually surprsingly difficult to notice this if you don’t have some kind of clue already because haley joel osment does and *amazing* job). ventus wins, the X-blade is not forged, but as a lot of this battle takes place in his heart, the effects are bad and ven falls into a coma (he reaches out once more, and another hearts answers. “you can stay here a while, I don’t mind” says the other heart. yes its fucking sora again. too good, too pure)

-3: aqua gets knocked out to start with, but then she fights vanitas controlling ventus’ body, which eventually gets sorted out. terra’s dissapeared at this point, and she takes a comatose ven and hides him in the land of departure, which she uses a secret mechanism to turn into Castle Oblivion (and thus, impossible to navigate  without her key)

-aqua goes to hunt down terra(nort), and finds him in radiant garden. they fight, aqua wins, but when he begins to sink into the darkness she sacrifices herself to save him (which is how he ends up as one of ansem’s apprentices and mostly without any memories)

-aqua will spend the next ten years in the realm of darkness

-bbs is such a goddam tragedy

-OKAY

-time to fast forward

-so sora and ven are connected, which is why vanitas and roxas look the way they do, which brings us to

-the case of xion

-and 358/2

-the worst game to play but my absolute favourite in terms of slow-burn pacing and emotionally investing you in the characters

-this game pretty much just deals with the year sora spent asleep, and the kids time in the organization.

-roxas wakes up with no memories, is inducted into the org, and told “kill heartless with your keyblade”. He’s more or less a zombie at first, and accepts this without question.

-a week later, a new member is introduced, named Xion, who also has a keyblade, and is also a zombie with no memories at first

-Axel, the org’s assassin, is basically told to babysit them both

-he’s not really into it at first, but those natural Big Brother instincts kick in Hard about five minutes later and from that point on he’s mostly just trying to keep them both alive.

-oh, also Lea, Axel’s somebody, met Ventus in bbs, so that was probably a little weird for him.

-as the game goes on and these kids essentially learn how to human and try to figure out what makes them different, the Big Plots stew in the background. Axel and Saix have some kind of plan that Axel apparently isn’t sticking to, and Axel questions his loyalties more as the game goes on and circumstances force him to choose between two kids Who Did Nothing Wrong, and his oldest friend.

-Xion learns they are a replica, a la Repliku, created as a backup to roxas if he could not fulfil his duty in creating kingdom hearts. their connection with roxas, and through him sora, has the unintended side effect of flitering memories and feelings into and through Xion.

-this is why putting sora back together takes so long

-Xion, between the pressure of being an org member in general, and the mental load from being caught between three+ people in a very literal sense, has a breakdown. Riku finds them, and despite a pretty rocky start between them, helps them through it.

-Xion leaves at two different points, the first time, Axel brings them back. “please don’t hold back, Axel. Promise.” “Everyone always thinks they’re right”

-excuse me i have to lay down again after thinking about how emotionally wrought this scene is.

-(the alternative is he has to kill them. he does everything he can to avoid that, but it’s clearly approaching an unsustainable situation; the org is running out of patience for dealing with the ‘clearly defective replica’, xion doesnt feel this situation is right, and axel just wants to keep everyone alive.

-yes typing ‘clearly defective replica’ physically hurt me. xion is a perfect bab and xemnas can fite me

-Xion leaves again

-Roxas, learning pieces of this but not all, runs away from the org. cue titular “no one would me” “that’s not true!” scene from 2

-(this leads to what is a hilariously depressing scene of roxas on the clocktower looking at his life and going “where could i even run to? I havent got anywhere to go” because he’s never known anything other than the organization and whoops i made myself sad again)

-namine explains to xion that sora can never wake up so long as they have his memories. The only way for them to release the memories is to die. It’s a hard decision.

-Xion meets roxas on the clocktower, feigns insanity, and goads him into fighting them (”do you see my face, roxas? is it a boys face? don’t you see. I have to make you a part of me too.”)

-cue more ff style boss fights

-xion dies

-look i can’t go into detail on this one i’ll start crying again, xion dies, everyone forgets they ever existed, and roxas gets to watch them shatter into dust in his arms.

-in the brief period where the memories are quickly vanishing but Not Quite Gone Yet roxas goes into a Roaring Rampage of Revenge and storms the World That Never Was

-this is where Riku catches up to him, and from there its a pretty straight shot into the beginning of kh2

-which im sure if you played these in chronological order would be *some kind of mood whiplash* i bet

-okay what have i missed

-recoded happened. the only important part here is that malificent and pete find out about the black box and malificent being malificent of course she Has To Have It

-”but whats the black box??” you ask

-good question

-we still dont know

-its  origin point is in KHUx though, 

-which is the multiplayer mobile game set during the Keyblade War of ages past. each weilder also has a companion dream eater named chirithy

-there are five unions, each headed by a leader and represented by an animal (unicorn, bear, snake, fox, and leopard)

-#anguisforlife

-these five (plus one more, named luxu) are each given roles by their master (the Master of Masters, or also known as MoM). He also tells them there is a traitor amongst the warriors of light. it’s unclear at this point how much of this he is directly steering. He also doesnt specifiy Which warriors of light, probably on purpose so everything happens as it should.

-so figure, trying to figure out who the traitor is is a pretty direct cause to no one trusting each other and eventually going for each others throats

-there is a page from the book of prophecies he gives only to luxu, who he tells that his role is to see the future with this Special Keyblade (and specifically the Eye in it). You might recognise it as xehanorts keyblade (and then you’ll start to see the Eye in a whole bunch of other ones too, notably in soul edge, way to dawn, and void gear)

-luxu fucks off, and everyone else goes about their business

-the first half of khux details how these unions came to  be rivals, and then how they fell into war with each other and destroyed the light. the second half detailed how Ava, leader of the fox union, created a fifth group known as the dandelions, specifically picked to survive the fall of the light and rebuild.

-ventus and lauriam are two of these leaders. No, we still don’t know how they got from one point to the other.

-one of the replacement leaders, strelitzia, got murdered and replaced by someone else. i think this plot point has been resolved in japan but i havent checked yet

-strelitzia is lauriam’s sister. she also knows elrena.

-and if you’re bad at anagraming like i am, lauriam=marluxua, and elrena=larxene

-so yeah figure that one out for me

-also i love strelitzia she has like two scenes total and i was already ludicrously attached help

-(Yes i screamed very hard during that One Scene in 3. we dont even see her face but it’s heerrrrrrrr)

-anyways

-right the black box

-luxu is seen carrying it off in the Back Cover movie as he wanders into exile. we still dont know whats in it. and that’s basically that.

-which leaves just Dream Drop Distance

-sora and riku take a Highly Modified mark of master exam under yen sid.

-things go wrong almost immidietly

-sora gets trapped by the xehanorts in a deep sleep, where they plan to use him as one of their 13 vessels of darkness

-there has to be 13 for some reason

-13 darknesses, and 7 lights, and when they clash it’ll make the X-blade

-because reasons

-it’s fate or something

-riku rescues him

-there is time travel involved now

-because at this point the 13 darkness now include; heartless ansem, master xehanort, xemnas, young xehanort, xigbar, and saix.

-more time travel will be involved later, but to keep this in mind the rules of time travel here are

     -you cannot take your body with you

     -you lose any future knowledge you gain if and when you return

-things are obviously wibbly here because it’s half in the dreamscape, but just. keep those rules in mind when you play 3.

....... im sure im missing a bunch but i just spent two hours writing the most casual pre-kh3 synopsis ever i hope you can forgive me XD

[satelliteofmstielove]

K19 Hangar 18

                                  Aliens or something, I don’t know

General notes

          I always remember that this movie is K19 because it’s Hangar 18 and that for some reason strikes me as mildly funny. From the title I expected it to be about airplanes, but it’s actually about spaceships. Made in 1980, starring people from things. Nothing really to note about the episode. Everyone’s here for the whole thing this time, so let’s get a-rollin’.

 Prologue

Joel pops up from under the desk sounding like he hit his head.

No real intro this time, no Mads. Joel just tells us the name of the movie and we go straight into Movie Sign. Maybe they were pressed for time this week.

 Movie pt. 1

I can’t tell when the guys get into the theater because the version I’m watching is such bad quality. Any black backgrounds make it impossible to see the guys. Later on they started putting a slight filter on the movies to make the silhouettes stand out better.

At 3:22, Joel asks why made-for-TV movies always look different than normal movies. Tom informs him, correctly, that Hangar 18 was shown in theaters. Why is that, actually? It is related to how they’re shot? There’s even a difference in look between different types of TV shows, so I assume that’s why. Does anyone want to inform both me and 1989 Joel?

When the movie astronauts are checking switches and things on the space shuttle at 5:39, Crow asks Joel if he remembered to check their switches and things. Joel doesn’t answer. Several seconds later at 5:47, Servo asks him the same thing, and he says no. Servo seems slightly distressed but lets it be.

Crow’s comment about the movie satellite makes Tom/Josh laugh at 7:26.

Joel messes with the on-screen controls at 7:43, but again, you can barely see him.

Something about Crow’s incredulous tone at 9:10 is really funny.

When you can finally see them, Joel and bots look like they’re sitting closer together than usual.

At 9:54, Joel makes a joke about prune-flavored Tang, and Josh laughs mockingly at it.

So far this whole movie has been half black screens. VHS movie played on UHF TV x old VHS recording + YouTube upload = hard to see.

76° at 6:13, when the time and temperature come up at 12:46. Looks like the Twin Cities are making their way toward summer.

Tom calls commercial at 13:25, Jeopardy-style, and Joel commands it more forcefully at 13:31. They don’t fade out until 13:38, though.

Joel reads the setting caption at 13:47, and Crows remarks a bit petulantly that he can read.

Holy crap, those are big lights on that police car. Also, why does this guy have such a strong Southern accent when they’re in Arizona? And I’m already sick of these captions.

As they leave the theater, Crow says he wants a soda, as if that’s the reason they’re leaving. Servo says he wants some saltines.

 Host Segment 1

 Crow’s wiggly fidgeting is cute. He’s such a little kid in the first few seasons.

Joel tells Crow he’ll need to borrow some of his RAM chips later to increase computing power for some other part of the ship. He doesn’t explain which, but maybe it would be common knowledge for Crow. Apparently, a dangerous meteor shower that could puncture holes in the ship is heading their way, and somehow the extra RAM chips with help with that? Maybe he can use it to increase the ship’s shields (which may or may not exist), or maybe he needs it to calculate a course away from the meteors or something. By the way, is it still called a meteor shower if it’s in space?

The bots have been really into irritating Joel in the past few episodes, and the trend continues here with Crow asking “Why?” and “So?” to everything Joel says. At first he seems sincere, but it quickly becomes clear that he just wants a reaction. It’s not clear if Joel catches on, but either way, he continues patiently explaining.

I love it whenever the bots cuddle up to Joel. Crow seems to know it’s cute and is using to his advantage.

Joel mentions that if he dies from lack of oxygen, the bots with have no human to play Parcheesi with, and implies that always ends badly. Having seen how the bots get along when Joel’s not around, I can imagine how that goes.

Mid-morning pleasure stimulation? Okay…I mean, I’m sure that’s not weird but it sounds weird.

Crow finishes off the whole thing with the classic “Daddy, what’s Vietnam?” and laughs, telling Joel to lighten up. Joel does not think it’s funny and finally snaps. Joel’s interesting; he’s almost impossible to rile, but once riled, he’s got something of a temper. You can see it in segments like his attempted barbershop/soda fountain in Giant Gila Monster [402] and the end of Castle of Fu Manchu [323]. Here he actually tells Crow to go get his belt! I can’t tell if he’s really going to use it on Crow or if he’s just playing along with Crow’s game by being the angry dad. Hope it’s the latter.

Similarly, I can’t tell if Crow’s reaction is real or if he’s still just in little kid mode. Again, I hope the latter is true.

 Movie pt. 2

Crow is making sounds of pain as they come into the theater. Joel tells him to quiet down and Tom teases him and laughs about the ordeal. I guess he really did use the belt. That’s the not the right way to discipline your robot children, Joel.

He also seems to be fixing Crow’s arms or something. They are kinda flimsy.

At 29:57, Crow says something about a “safety seal” and Servo barks like a sea lion. Just made me laugh.

Joel says when he was in 4th grade, he had the same kind of biohazard suit from the movie at 30:31. I’d doubt it, but it’s not impossible, especially given that a) Joel’s weird and b) this show takes place in a version of reality where satellites, robots, and mad science are a pretty casual affair. So who knows? But Joel also says it didn’t have the big mask, so he might have just been talking about a regular raincoat. (Or maybe it was a joke, because riffing. But that’s no fun.)

30: 56- I love Crow’s straightforward approach to things, hahaha.

At 31:09, they’re talking about Meatloaf (the singer) and Crow mentions he likes ketchup on his meatloaf. It’s not related to the joke, but it makes me imagine tiny baby KTMA Crow trying to eat meatloaf at the table with his dysfunctional little arms, which is oddly adorable.

The aliens really do look like Uncle Fester…when the guys sing their version of the Addams Family song (at 36:43), you can hear all three of them snapping (well, at least two). The bots must be able to generate snapping noises.

At 39:20, Joel mentions “Joe Namath Netted Slingshot Briefs”, which become a running comment throughout the rest of the series, especially the Joel era. I’m not getting a picture for this one; I think the BVDs picture from the last entry was enough trauma for all of us.

Wow, mentions of Jackie Coogan and Tor Johnson back to back at 39:55. Little did they know then how many opportunities they would have to talk about Tor Johnson (so many episodes, including The Unearthly [320], Bride of the Monster [423], and The Beast of Yucca Flats [621]). By the time they got to Jackie Coogan (The Space Children [906]), though, none of these original three were there. Here’s a picture of Jackie Coogan for no reason.

Now this airport guy has like a half-Boston, half-Southern accent. Though it is in the southern half of the country, Arizona is not really The South, filmmakers.

At 44:49, Tom goes on making fun of the possibly-crazy airport guy for so long Crow mutters that Joel spanked the wrong bot. That prompts Servo to ask him how his “bot” is; Crow doesn’t respond. 

Crow makes a zing! joke at 45:22, and Joel tells him to “take the laugh” like Dr. F told Larry in the previous episode. Crow says it hurts when he laughs, which makes me wonder how badly Joel spanked him with that belt. Oof. Tom also mentions that load pan-emptying will hurt later. The more I hear about load pans, the more I don’t want to know the details.

As they leave the theater, Crow says he need to get a pillow for some unspecified part of him.

Host Segment 2

Joel attaches what he calls a coupling device to Crow’s head so they can look through his memory and decide what’s worth keeping.

The first memory in the list is “On”. I’m not totally sure what that means, but I’m assuming it’s a necessary function. Maybe it’s the code that allows him to turn on?

Crow knows how to play Heart and Soul? I’d like to see that.

Nobody wants to go through “load pan training” again. My earlier sentiment about load pans has not changed. I would also like to see Tom and Crow’s bunk beds. What do you think the membrane that Crow mentions is? Apparently it’s less pleasant than load pans.

Nobody wants to keep the King Family specials.

They don’t feel like keeping a bunch of Highlights magazines, STP commercials with Mario Andretti, every episode of Punky Brewster, Lyle Waggoner’s penile implant show (???), Joe Something-or-Other’s business school (I wonder if that’s a local thing), Robert Vaughn’s Helsinki Formula, Aaron Gray’s cellulite show, or George Hamilton’s skin care hour. They do, however, want to keep a still of that one Farah Fawcett poster. I won’t bother to put a picture of that here because you’ve probably already seen it.

Joel smiles when Crow makes his buzzer noises.

He asks Crow where he picked up these weird infomercials, and Crow tells him he fell asleep while watching TV23 one night. It sounds like the Brains thought their channel played too many infomercials.

Movie pt. 3

I guess stunt driving isn’t part of the training to become a government agent. Also looks like their car was a Pinto.

The Apache Plaza Joel mentions at 58:03 was local mall in St. Anthony that was damaged by a tornado and then snowmelt. River Place is another spot in Minneapolis.

At 58:43, Crow notes that aliens have nipples like Joel does, as a human. Joel says his are a little more ”pouty.” I don’t know what that means, but ew.

Ah, thank you, movie, for cutting away instead of showing them cutting into the alien, proving once again that you are better than City on Fire. But you can really stop telling us where we are every single time we change locations. If the time is important, fine, put that, but if you’re just moving between places we’ve already been several times, you don’t need to tell us again.

Time and temp pop up again at 1:02:09, 75° at 7:15.

Tom calls commercial at 1:03:12.

Crow makes a good point at 1:05:44- why did it take them so long to even try to figure out where the government was hiding the ship?

Hey, a swear bleep at 1:08:45. The guys react to it, obviously knowing they would have to cut it out for the episode. Servo proceeds to make some “ship” jokes.

You know, these government agents would be a lot less conspicuous if didn’t wear suits everywhere. Also, even if the brakes don’t work, wouldn’t the car, you know, slow down if he stopped pressing the gas? Cars don’t just maintain momentum forever even if they can’t stop. And I’m already predicting this whole petroleum plant thing is going to explode in firey ball of death, killing the new set of G-men, while the astronauts get away.

Wow, Crow makes the same guess at 1:11:28.

Well, I was sort of right. Crow was more right than I was.

Crow’s little “c’mon, c’mon” as they leave the theater is adorable.

 Host Segment 3

They’ve hooked Crow up to the coupling device again, and take a look at his first memory ever.

For some reason the memory isn’t from Crow’s point of view…Anyway, Joel sings a song while finishing Crow up, then whacks him lightly to turn him on. His first sound is a baby cry until Joel whacks him again. Joel tells him name and he asks why, and Joel tells him it stands for “Cybernetic Remotely Operated Woman.”

Current Crow is very surprised to find out he’s a woman, but seems to get over it very quickly.

Joel tells him he’s actually a hermaphrobot because he ran out of parts. Why would running out of parts mean that he had both- you know what, never mind. 

I guess being a woman or hermaphrobot turns Crow into a stressed mother.

But it’s actually a joke anyway ha ha ha, Joel made a fake memory to tease him. Joel tells him that he only made him in the first place so he could play that joke on him in the future. Harsh, man. Joel’s kind of a big jerk in this episode.

Movie pt. 4

 Hey, it’s the plot-relevant radio station, like Invention Exchange from Giant Gila Monster [402].

Crow makes another good point- will the people inside the spaceship survive? It didn’t get burnt up on re-entry when it landed, so maybe they will. OoooOOOOOoooo mystery….

At 1:34:31, Crow also makes a call-back to City on Fire [K16].

Oh, they did survive. Did the guys preview this movie, or are they just that eerily smart? Maybe one of them had seen it before in the past?

Conclusion

This segment is very short, just the guys mentioning that the fan club is almost up to 1,000 members, and showing off the fabulous demon dog that 1,000th member can win. They mention it’s from the opening credits. Demon dogs will show up again in the next season in The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy [102].

Is Crow carrying something over his shoulder? I can’t tell what it is.

The credits cut off in this recording, so hopefully there was nothing terribly interesting or new.

Thoughts on the Movie

          Forgive me the unkindness, but his movie is full of mostly rather ugly people. And Darren McGavin looks like the general from The Iron Giant, and/or Tommy Lee Jones. Which makes sense because the general from the Iron Giant looks like Tommy Lee Jones. Beyond that, I don’t know how I feel about this one. It’s really not that bad, it’s just sort of dumb. I feel like it would have made a more interesting television series than a movie. It has some good moments, but it felt like it was trying to tell two different stories. The longer the movie went on, the more it seemed to lose its focus. On the other hand, I actually cared some when Lou died, which is more than I can say for a lot of movies, even non-MSTed ones. Ending was kinda stupid, though.

          The other main thing that kept bothering me was why the government kept letting the astronauts poke around and potentially muck up the their big cover-up. Why do they even let them out of D.C. or Houston or wherever they were? (I really should remember because of the excessive captioning.) Can’t the Feds just keep them where they are until they’re done lying about the U.F.O.? I mean, that doesn’t sound legal, but neither does tampering with and lying about important scientific information to keep people happy until the election, and they’re already doing that. Half the plot could have been avoided if they’d just been smart enough to stop Bancroft and Price from running around. I guess that’s why they didn’t. But that’s not a good enough reason to suspend my disbelief on that point.  

          Oh yeah, and then it gets into the tired old sci-fi trope of the aliens who are almost exactly like humans and trying to explain with actual science. I don’t have any real problem with human aliens in fiction (Superman, for example, has never bugged me), but when they try to pretend like it makes any sense, that’s where they always lose me. The whole “humans are descended from them” just doesn’t work for me. If the two species were able to breed, wouldn’t they have needed to be very similar to begin with? Then that brings us back to the parallel evolution thing, which makes very little sense in an attempt at hard sci-fi. So yeah, not quite a bad movie, just a mediocre one. It would probably make good material for a modern riff.

Review

          This one was alright. It seemed like they were a little distracted by a semi-watchable movie, so there wasn’t much riffing. I didn’t laugh a whole lot during this episode (favorite riff- Tom: Maybe they’re just a couple of yahoos from Arkansas.) The spots they did riff had a lot of energy, but they seemed to lose it as the movie went on. Maybe the movie wasn’t stupid or infuriating enough to keep them firing. That’s another good reason they wrote and practiced the riffing when they moved on to the wonderful world of cable.

           Not related to the review, but I have a question for my six or seven readers. I mentioned a lot more of my thoughts on the movie in the notes this time- is that annoying, or do you prefer it that way? I got back and forth about whether I should include that there. On the one hand, it’s part of the experience of watching and episode. On the other hand, it’s not really the purpose of this guide. I’ll do whatever works better for you guys, so let me know if you have a preference. Thanks!

[tube-thoughts-blog]

Vol. 12

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

---------- Everything Is Terrible:

*Skittles Commercial 1989: A beach slob is out of luck at a not-so-sexy French beach in an animated skittles ad from France.* 2 stars

*The BAR-B-Q-GURU!: Basic grilling techniques (for example: use a whole bottle of lighter fluid) by a broke ass middle aged black dude.* 1 star

*Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Behind the Music: From scarfing pizza to snorting ants with Ozzy. Not really. More like a pathetic attempt by corporate America to exploit dumb kids and dumb parents.* either zero stars or close to 2 1/2 stars (for proof of said b.s.)

*Cowabunga! can do great things: Say something stupid, and feel good.* 2 1/2 stars

*Call Me Fantasy: Unintentionally awkward hardcore-phone-sex commercial.* 3 stars

------------------------

Cartoon Network Summerfest: (2002)

*Longhair and Doubledome - Good Wheel Hunting: Pre-historic odd couple.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Utica Cartoon: A bear gets in over his head in a all you can eat without paying (as long as you can eat them) hot dog bargain.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Yee Haw & Doo Dah - Bronco Breakin Boots: Yosemite Sam-esque cowboy and his talking horse are squatters in Central Park.* 2 stars

--------------

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Reinke Goes Ballooning *Over the rainbow and into the magical land of unicorns (not uniHorns) and Asian sluts.* close to 3 stars

----- Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Barbarella

*Drive In Totals: 14 dead bodies - 1 vicious parakeet attack - 1 Roman orgy - 1 portable brainwave detector - Shag carpeted spaceship - 2 crash landings - 1 giant rubber stingray 1 vicious biting sharp toothed doll attack - demonic children - flower eating - sea through man - flying pod attack with fireballs - 1 burning outer space city - Snowball Fu - Green Laser Fu - and finally the Famous Lovemaking Tube

*TNT NFL Sunday Night Football commercial featuring New England Patriots' then quarterback Drew Bledsoe. Seems like ages ago before Tom Brady dominated the sports news media.

*Joe Bob talks about how the two sci blockbusters of 1968 were Barbarella and 2001. He says that critics wanted to call this one "2002: a Space Idiocy." HA!

*Jane Fonda is a terrible actress. Really terrible.

*Hippie / progressive logic is vomit enducing. "Free love" in this movie is made so confusing and non-fun.

*WCW "Rage in the Cage" FallBrawl commercial featuring Jim "The Anvil" (I believe)

*Joe Bob says this movie is like "Dante's Inferno meets Disney on Ice." Ha

*Hey, 90s business professional lady, don't be afraid of new technology. Get a Nokia cell phone with car lighter adapter for only $9.99. Offer good through 9/30/97

*Joe Bob's advice to the hopeless: talk of lesbos with the very sexy Reno the Mail Girl and Joe Bob helps deliver a viewer's baby (not literally, of course).

*Jane Fonda saves the galaxy by being as silly acting as possible and having softcore, no nudity no action, sex with every humanoid alien she meets.

1 star for the movie (It's more up Joel Schumacher's and Tim Burton's campy alley than mine.) between 1 1/2 and 2 stars for the commercials and 3 stars for Joe Bob's hosting

-----------------

The Greatest American Hero: My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys *Poncho and Lefty.* 3 stars

Manimal: Scrimshaw *I am the walrus (literally).* either 1 star or between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

U.S.S. Alabama (Unaired FX network pilot) *Obviously this was gonna be Reno 911 meets Star Trek, and that's exactly what you get. Poking fun at the genre's tropes and adding the humorous element of inter-galactic govt. red tape getting in the way of space adventuring.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars (The hit or miss ad-libbing is probably why this series never got picked up.)

----- TV CARNAGE:

*The Unfriendliest Town In America: "Can you help me out, buddy?" BAM! Knee the person asking you that in the groin.* 3 stars

*Stripping Lessons From The Insecure: You need a book about striptease allure from a lady that doesn't even feel sexy herself.* 2 1/2 stars

*Sad Sex Sillys!: Uncomfortable advice and uncomfortable laughter.* 1 star

*No More Free Blow Chobs: RICK, she's not some kind of oral sex machine. Stop coming into her dorm room and getting completely naked, while she's in the other room getting erotic candles for the two of you, you horny frat boy you.* 2 1/2 stars

*You Call This Relaxing: Neo-Nazis crucifying another Neo-Nazi* 2 stars

----------------------------------------

---Commander USA's Groovie Movies: CHUD

*For those not familiar with Commander USA, he's a tv movie host from the 80s. He looks like The Comedian from The Watchmen (he predates him, I believe) but he's more like a street wise version of Mr. Rogers. He likes to paint his right hand up with a smiley face, using ashes from his cigar butt, call it "Lefty"  and talk to it like a sidekick friend. It's weird and almost painfully unfunny at times, but this is an afternoon, if I'm correct, movie show and not something late night like Joe Bob. Though, Svengoolie uses a lot of cheesy humor on his near-late night monster movie show.*

*Carefree bubble gum commercial. "Now with more flavor than ever." Was it sort of bland before? Were they holding back on the flavor? In the ad, a lot of very active and olympic level folk were blowing bubbles while performing. I can't picture people of the 20 Tens fitness culture even chewing any kind of gum. It's probably not gluten free, anyway.*

*An awesome USA network preview commercial for "Night Flight" "Where would your weekend be without it?" 11 pm eastern 10 pm central. Cool music videos and shorts. Generation X laments for MTV's glory days, well these other cable channels' attempts at MTV style programming were just as good, if not better.*

*Christopher Lee and Joan Collins in "Dark Places" TONIGHT 8pm on USA's Saturday Nightmares I'm tearing up thinking about how good old school cable used to be. Now, they'd probably have a four hour block of a reality show or a forensic detective show or a douchebag movie featuring The Rock, and never in a million years program a horror / mystery movie block followed by late night music videos and animated short films and stand up comedy. You sat in your acid washed jeans and watched this with only your remote, a bowl of popcorn, and a Pepsi. You didn't have an iphone, snapchat, twitter, facebook, netflix, redbox new releases only (barf), hulu, game of thrones, orange is the new black, pandora, real housewives of the kardashians, kanye west butchering bohemian rhapsody. We lived in ye good ole days.*

*One of the "Wet Bandits" from Home Alone is here in the 1980s NYC running a soup kitchen for the homeless. What a difference a decade and meeting Goodfella Joe Pesci makes.*

*Kolchak the Nightstalker would be right at home in this movie's environment. In fact, they have a haggard looking, snooping reporter who's almost a version of him.*

*Commander USA is carving meats for his footlong sandwich right after the scene where the photographer / hero goes down into the underground, with his homeless pal, and checks up on the injured homeless guy's chewed up and festering leg. Ewww. Ha.*

*An 80s nerd is playing bomber pilot in the mirror as he treats his zits with Oxy 10. He's so obnoxious, he deserves leprosy. However, I do miss uncool 80s teenagers who weren't afraid to be uncool.*

*Nabisco Brands logo on a BabyRuth commercial featuring two good looking male and female models in BabyRuth logo letter jackets. One: the Nabisco logo of the 80s gave off some kind of hypnotic feel good illuminatti trance vibe. Must love this corporate brand. Two: Why do they always show chocolate being poured in its melty form? The candy bar is gonna be solid and only melted if it's in your ass pocket and you sit on it or leave it on the dash of your car. Hot, melty chocolate is so damn much better it's like crack was in the 80s. More subliminal, chocolatey, illuminatti shit.*

*A 1-800 number ad featuring feel good American craftsmanship, sportsmanship, patriotism... uh ship and other propaganda for joining the National Rifle Association of America. The 80s were conservative as fuck, motherfucker. Have your VISA or MasterCard ready for your $20 NRA member baseball cap and 10,000 dollars worth of "accidental death" insurance with the NRA. Because you will kill yourself or a loved one or a hunting buddy. It's your 2nd amendment right.*

*Commander USA parodies the scene where the little girl is traumatized after her dad gets jerked out of a phone both by a C.H.U.D. Commander USA uses a blow up doll in his own personal phonebooth to re-enact the scene. Kind of black humor on the part of the old Commander. This was a sort of family friendly afternoon movie show with a basic cable edit of the film, and here they still mix in some bleak humor. Gotta love the 80s. They would not even show this kind movie in the afternoon on basic cable anymore. Sure, SYFY shows monster movies on Saturday afternoons, but they don't show 80s monster movies. They show 2000s crapfests and Asylum mock monster horror shitfests.*

*A yuppie couple is playing their morning game of tennis. The husband is sluggish because he didn't have his Kellog's Branflakes, while the wife is running circles around him. Yes, he didn't have his morning dump, and she did. These ads were effectively satirized in the 90s when Saturday Night Live did their "Colon Blow" cereal commercials.*

*AT&T wants to help 80s, pre internet business communications, small businesses become more successful. Sure, a big corporation really just wanted money like they always would. Truth is they'd like to merge with other super corporations and make the six headed corporate dragon of the apocalypse and suck the souls out of every small business, small business owner, and slug citizen of the global economic slavepit like a high speed slurpee.

*Roger Clemens lip-syncs in a non-redneck voice and gets naked behind a towel (for 80s chicks who wanted to see that. Surprised that he was ever considered a hunk. But whatever) in a "Zestfully Clean" ad. Cheesy, and wouldn't have been my brand of soap in the 80s, but nowhere near as obnoxious and off putting as modern Old Spice soap or Axe body wash.*

*Chef Dom Deluise doesn't wanna say goodbye to his Summer vegetables, as he sings a song to them about saying goodbye, in a Ziploc freezer bag commercial. He really needed to spend less time in the kitchen singing to food. R.I.P. Dom Deluise. He's dead, right?*

*Capn Lou Albano has to be dragged off screen in his 1-800 talk wrestling phone ad. Rejects from The Village People bust into his living room and do this, for some reason. There had to be some moron to call this number and listen to Lou ramble incoherently about Luigi and Jimmy Superfly Snuka.*

*"Dream Away" overnight weight loss tablets. I'm guessing these 1980s biggest losers sweated to the oldies with Richard Simmons in their dreams and all those fat cells just  drifted away down into their waterbeds. Every moron in the 80s had a waterbed.*

*In the 80s, it took a magician named "Blackstone" and a series of motivational cassette tapes to get people to stop smoking. No one ever smoked after this and those annoying TRUTH ads featuring dying smoking victims talking out of their neckholes, that you have to hurry and look away as you flip the channel during dinner, never took place. What a wonderful alternate reality we live in.*

*C.H.U.D. and They Live would and probably has made a great double feature. Both have themes of the govt not caring about the people on the bottom level of society.*

*Another reason why this is a great movie is they're taking their sweet time to build up the tension of really getting a good look at the monsters. Sure, we've had glimpses of them. But nothing really lingers on them. It's all quick edits. When they finally show themselves to the people of New York, and the movie viewer, it will be worth the payoff. If this were a SYFY Asylum mock-monster-mock-movie we'd already had seen the shitty CGI croco-cerebus-cheetah in the first five minutes when it devours Caitlyn Jenner.*

*This movie also meets Joe Bob Briggs' rule of any good horror movie which is "Anybody can die at anytime." And they do, there, in the sewers of NYC in C.H.U.D.*

*Get Dianetics at Waldenbooks. The pseudo-psychology pseudo-religion selfhelp zeitgeist of 80s yuppies.*

*One more inspid bit of 80s propaganda by conservative Ronald Reagan America and corporate America: They would have "By Mennen" ads featuring babies and new moms with the 1950s tv mom standing over her shoulder giving her instructions on every "how to" and all the mother know how life advice she'd need. Basically saying, "Don't think for yourself. Make the 80s just like the good ole 50s."*

*"FDS Woman." Yes, ladies of the 80s used a huge aerosol can of feminine deodorant spray to keep their smelly vaginas in check, and that, coupled with their big hair, that needed to also be aerosol sprayed, is the reason that we have a hole in the ozone layer and now everyone has smelly genitals from the swamp crotch caused by a greenhouse gas oven climate that we all endure for most of the year.*

*There's no irony being noticed by anyone, here, that this movie that came out in the 80s and featured a plot about radioactive waste coming back to bite everyone in the ass is being shown on television, in the 80s, sandwiched in between all kinds of products that we have to destroy our bodies with using and our environment in making. Nope, none. Ha.*

*"Go back to sleep America. Your government is in control." -Bill Hicks*

*Nice government citywide coverup of the night of horrors and incident.*

*And a great cameo by John Goodman as a NYC cop in a greasy spoon diner, when the CHUDs show back up for the gotcha horror ending.*

*Commander USA puts on his trench coat and heads out the door after the credits roll.*

*The USA network voice over guy tells us to tune in tomorrow at noon for All American Wrestling featuring the voice talents of Mean Gene Okerlund. Can't get much more 80s than that.*

3 stars for the movie (even being on basic cable and edited) 2 1/2 stars for the Commander and finally either 1 star or close to 3 stars for the cheesy, despicable ads

----------------------------------------

---- Marc Summers' Mystery Magical Tour:

*For some reason Marc Summers is out on a stormy night, on a desolate road, after watching a movie with a group of kids, when his convertible gets a flat tire and he has no spare. One: that's just not responsible adult behavior, but what would you expect from the host of Double Dare. Two: Why is the top down when it's gonna rain? And where is this movie theater out on a winding mountain road right out of a David Lynch movie?

*The Addams Family's John Astin makes a cameo as a disgruntled magician, breaking the 4th wall and airing grievances, before quitting his magician job at a spooky, old dark house in the middle of nowhere.

*Guess who happens to pull in front of the house seeking help. Marc and kids.

*Of course, per requirement for a creepy mansion, no one is there to open the door and it is a case of just letting one's self in.

*It's gonna be Marc's own personal "Hotel California" as a creepy, gloved hand slides Marc's picture into the frame on the Now Appearing Act sign outside the mansion.

*Marc is proving why more game show hosts aren't asked to act. This is a labor of magician love, so he gets to star in his own pet project on Nickelodeon.*

*There's the old googly eyes behind the painting following around Marc and kids. A staple of old dark house horror.*

*Secret passageways and locked doors, spooky setting, ominous David Copperfield esque magician playing an old phonograph record using telepathy, but Are You Afraid of the Dark this ain't.*

*"Connect Four" singing faces commercial from the 1980s. Another awesome board game that caused many a sibling argument.*

*Johnny is the coolest 10 year old. He wears his jean jacket over his shoulders like a matador would wear a cape. Every kid in town has gathered to watch him take on Milton Bradley's Simon electronic guessing slap game.*

*The kids are running around without Marc who got disappeared into a skeleton in a phone booth. Now, the kids are pulling the old 3 Stooges "Knock it off" things happening behind the others backs routine.*

*Now, a maid has shown up to do a Carol Burnett mime routine. Sad and beautiful.*

*Lance Burton starts having a swashbuckling sword duel with the killer ghost character from Wes Craven's Scream.*

*The silky voiced and animated bear from the Golden Crisp commercial. Whatever became of him?*

*A Converse "Conasaur" commercial featuring pre-historic lizards from King Kong's Skull Island and the old black and white Lost World movie. Nice.*

*Tyco Dino-Riders toy commercial. Dinosaurs ruled the earth once again in the late 80s and early 90s and kids back then had awesome toys, cartoons, and movies to show for it.*

close to 2 1/2 stars for Marc, and kids, inside Lance's lunatic magician's mansion. close to 3 stars for the kid friendly retro ads

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Twitch City: Killed By Cat Food *Art imitating life without merit. Without Hope. So, Curtis finally leaves the apartment  and finds Hope, again.* 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Clean Butt: Hands free shitting experience that's very dignified.* 2 1/2 stars

*Disney World, One Kid's Opinion: Although the lines are long, it's worth it.* 1 star or 5 Mickeys according to this kid

*Exercise Awareness Week: "The Wu Tang Clan of exercise shows" featuring an 80 year old govt hating bible thumper.* 2 strange stars

*Inline Skating Is Fun: Wear a helmet or have a sweet ponytail to protect your fragile egg shell of a head.* 2 1/2 stars

*Memorial Day 2000: For the land of the free and the home of the show us your fuckin' tits!* either zero stars or close to 3 stars

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Spicy City: An Eye For An Eye *Cyberspace better than the shark tank. Tragic song and dance in a chat room lounge.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Robocop the series: What Money Can't Buy *A sick kid needs the "Sultan of Detroit Swat," Robocop, to hit a homerun off of a curveball thrown by an organ snatcher.* either 1 star or between 2 and 2 1/2 stars (This show is at odds with itself. On one hand you have the clever Robocop style adult satire of society, and on the other it's a dumb, mainstream, early 90s, PG-action tv series with all the cliches and flaws of those kinds of series.)

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Reinke in Roswell, New Mexico *"All Chinese look alike just like all aliens look alike." -Stanton Friedman, UFO expert.* close to 3 stars

Casey and Friends: Episode 10 "1989" *The setting is late in the 2000s decade. Some hipster-nerd teenagers find their dad's old VHS cam-corder and set out to parody 1980s era, "cool Christian" teens television shows that they still show on Saturday afternoons on the religious channels. Unfortunately, the "too kewl for Sunday school" teens come up short on the satire and humor.* either between zero and 1/2 a star or between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

----------- Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: The Beast Within

*Joe Bob is all for mutant-insect sex with humans as long as it produces monster horror flicks.

*Drive In Totals: 16 dead bodies... 1 dead dog... Neck munching... Embalming needle through the chest... Electrocution... Disembowling... Head rolls.. Hand rolls..

*Joe Bob will be with the viewer all night for "all the insect sex info"

*Monster/murder/rape mystery and returning to a hicksploitation town where it happened

*Joe Bob knows about deep, dark southern mysteries involving can opener / electrical chord murders

*Yep, it's a strange one. Effeminite, elderly newspaper man patting out raw hamburger and flirting with the delivery boy who turns rabid and chomps on the raw flesh of the weirdo old man, killing him. Plus, Designing Women's man's man Meschach Taylor is one of the town's deputees. Ha.

*Joe Bob is making toy grasshoppers hump and questioning the strange, sexual tension of the movie. Like the romantic strolls, with a deranged redneck's daughter, by a swamp full of body parts.

*Joe Bob wants to know why adults can't watch innards, 'cause of censors, even after the midnite hour on Turner basic cable. I agree.

*Joe Bob threatens to go on Jerry Springer and air his complaints, because he loves the violence on that show.

*Being embalmed alive has to rank pretty high on the horror movie kill list hall of fame.

*The town drunk has figured out who the killer is, but the sheriff won't listen and tells him that he looks like "The high noon of a coon dog just leaving the swamp."

*The young lead/monster of this movie looks like John C. Reilly playing a teenage Dewey Cox / Lon Chaney Jr. Wolfman

*Joe Bob exclaims how Monstervision is better than Turner Classic movies, because instead of pointing out facts about Liz Taylor getting hickeys from lovers in 1957, he talks about dead Baptist ghosts in spooky Mississippi hospitals where they film horror flicks

*Joe Bob questions the logic of turning into a cicada monster that's never explained in the movie.*

close to 3 stars for the tv edit of the movie and 3 stars for Joe Bob

------------------------------------------------

---- John Candy in "Summer Rental" on AMC (American Movie Classics)

*National Lampoons Vacation comparisons, but Candy is more endearing than Chevy. His movie family, on the other hand, terrible... so far

*Stuck in a moving station wagon with a farting dog, yet this movie still is charming and nowhere near as bad as a 2000s era awful comedy with someone like Martin Lawrence or Adam Sandler taking their families on vacation.

*AMC is airing this Summer themed movie during the Christmas holidays, and showing a commercial for their upcoming Holiday hit movies. Bill Murray's Scrooged is gonna be ran for 24 hours straight. Who started this shit? I love Scrooged, I used to love a Christmas Story, Home Alone 1 & 2, and Christmas Vacation, but I'll be damn if they did not run these movies into the ground. 24 hours straight of the same movie is insane and enough to make fans start hating their favorite movies. They play Home Alone and Christmas Vacation every other day on cable starting around Thanksgiving up until Dec. 27. ENOUGH!

*Hallmark digital Holiday cards featuring the overused Charlie Brown song and more awful insurance ads guilting family's into life insurance. They're raking in the bucks off of sentimental feelings

*Shaq is sitting by a warm fireplace attempting to read a corporate Christmas story (buy our stuff!) to a bunch of multi-cultural tv commercial kids. How, sweet.... humbug

*Renters versus Owners. A Ronald Reagan type rich yuppie gets Haiwaiin shirt wearing John Candy's table at the fancy restaurant, after Candy waited forever in line, and his lobster dinner. Basically, the rich, who can live in the vacation town all year long, against the 40plus hour a week white collar worker who can only rent a condo for a couple of weeks in the nice vacation area.

*Rip Torn is a pirate in a rundown dive bar / Captain D's

*John Candy is one of those take all kinds of crap dads on a vacation from hell.

*J.G. Wentworth sure likes bad opera singing and people yelling out windows

*Run in with the evil Ron Reagan guy while sailing. After beach hiijinks and moving in to a crappy shack on the beach after getting kicked out of their nice condo by the real owners.

*Wife and kids go to a movie during a rainstorm, while Candy is laid up cripple after a sailing accident, and mom forgot her wallet leading to John Laroquette picking up the tickets for them and hitting on mom.

*John Candy's character should just kill himself now.

*Footloose Kevin Bacon poster on the lobby wall and teen daughter is listening to Wham! on her walkman headphones. Barf on both, but 80s nostalgia nonetheless.

*Flinstones gag where Candy gets locked outside, in the rainstorm, by his dog.

*Candy is nursing a hurt leg in a kids plastic pool while his wife is on a speedboat with a douchebag like Laroquette.

*AH, his luck might have changed for the better? The bikini beach bimbo shows up on his sandy lawn... with pity

*Corporate America has no shortage of insipid holiday commercials. They even try to be clever about being aware of this in some of the commercials. Bill Hicks would note that they're going for the "hating the holidays" dollar.

*There's a nude boob scene that Candy gets to be in (not his boobs, thankfully) and I wonder since this is an 80s flick, even though I'm sure PG13, if there were actual boobs shown. Since it was the 80s, and 80s PG13 was edgier, I'm thinking maybe they did show naked boobs. AMC doesn't, however, 'cause it's the Holidays and we still have Pilgrim and Puritan overlords and Santa watches everything.

*The 80s version of Larry the Cable guy has taken over Candy's bed, and taken up with his dog, while watching the Smurfs, during a beach bum party takeover of Candy's vacation house. It happens when Candy is next door checking out the neighbor's brand new boob job.

*Rip Torn and John Candy have a drunken debate. Who's tougher? Jimmy Cagney or Sylvester Stallone

*Ron Reagan voter is signing business papers on the coffin of Candy's condo's former owner. Uh, oh, 'cause Candy has shown up in beach shorts and a white sports coat at the funeral home. Candy's being evicted. Lesson: don't rub the rich the wrong way.

*Crooked rich guy's boat is called "The Incisor."

*As per requirement for all Summer fun movies, there's a challenge thrown down between the good guys of Candy's / Rip Torn's haggard pirate beach bums and the yuppie rich sailor who happens to be Candy's evil landlord. It's a sail off. Winner takes all.

*Candy's clan wins the battle of waves.

*Whatever happened to the Laroquette and Candy's wife subplot? Who cares....

*This movie just isn't as satisfying as Chevy's Summer vacation, though it had some decent moments. Sick of Chevy's Summer vacation, however, and never need to see it again. Ever. Cable has played it so much it feels like the other 9 months of the year and not a vacation at all.

2 1/2 stars for the movie 1 1/2 stars for the ads

-----------------------------------------

Northern Exposure: Sex, Lies, and Ed's Tape *A high concept man with his head on the bar.* close to 3 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Reinke in Alaska *Where one's pee turns instantly into a popsicle.* close to 3 stars

Cartoon Network Summerfest: (2002)

*Maktar: A group of kids are playing flashlight tag, on the lawn, one Summer night. The light somehow shoots through the cosmos and is received as an act of war by a planet of oddball as well as kaiju controlling aliens.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Test Drive: Some white trash teens find a Transformer type robot in a junkyard and rebuild it. A zero suit Samus chick, from the future, arrives to reclaim it, and they aid her in a smackdown to stop aliens from destroying earth.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

----------------------------

USA UP All Night with Rhonda Shear: Beach Fever & Nightmare Sisters (1992)

Host segments for Beach Fever:

*Ritzy, early 90s UP All Night has just as good an opening video as Saturday Night Live, of the same time period, had.

*Rhonda thinks Beach Fever has feminist vibes because it has bikini babes relaxing and enjoying themselves on the beach while also karate kicking dudes in the neck

*Viewer mail: A guy named Ralph wants to exchange footcream in order to see Rhonda wiggle her toes in cheesecake. Rhonda shows off her comedic chops (which would sound surprisingly good to some, and they are) when she impersonates a New Yawk advice columnist, looking like the receptionist of Ghostbusters, complete in red wig. Reading a letter from a lady whose son is wearing her panties. Ha.

*More viewer mail: Rhonda reads a letter, while stretched out in a red miniskirt on a white bed, from the president of the "foot fetish society of America."

*Rhonda writes her wishlist to Santa while the rockabilly classic "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree" plays in the background

*A viewer writes in to tell Rhonda how he and his wife, inspired by Rhonda's succulent cheesecake covered toes, took a chocolate pie to bed. Kinky weirdos, but fun anyway

*More letters rolling in prove the value of old school late night movie hosts. People are not watching for the subpar flicks, they're watching for an entertaining host. If more networks still did this, they'd get more value out of their late night tv library & ads.

*Other viewers write in to USA network wanting them to put that "space mutant" Gilbert Gotfried off of the other late night hosting spot and send him to where he belongs, "SciFi" network, instead. Ha.

Beach Fever:

*Kato Kaelin and not Jackie Chan have beach high jinks against pimps/pushers, muscleheads, and sexual zombies.*

USA UP All Night Late Night Advertisements:

*A yuppie douchebag is tired of being alone at night and having horny air bubble thoughts pop up above his empty head. So, he spends a dollar a minute to call up "Singles Connection Hotline." next thing you know, he's dry humping bimbos on the dancefloor, just like his pal.

*Lonely gals and guys call "Phone Partners" for 99 cents a minute and find friends in the same town or across the country. Social networking difficult back then. More saxophone soothing, but expensive.

*Call the "Mind Maze" for 5 bucks a minute (wow, expensive!) and get X-Files esque phone sex, I guess, with a creepy guy back lit by what I'm guessing is an alien searchlight peeping through your closed blinds. Creepy.

*TeleFriend. For 4.99 a minute, you too can have a female "friend" to talk to.

Host Segments for Nightmare Sisters:

*A viewer is mad that "Macho Man" Randy Savage touched Rhonda, on a previous night's UP All Night, and the viewer crushed his beer can, spilling suds, in a rage. Ha.

"Nightmare Sisters" starring Linnea Quigley (1988):

*Sorority Babes in Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama meets Revenge of the Nerds. This time with succubus and a decapitated genie's head, named Dukey Flyswatter, in a crystal ball.*

3 stars for Rhonda close to 2 1/2 stars the advertisements close to 2 stars for Beach Fever and close to 3 stars for Nightmare Sisters

--------------------------------------

Erwin C. Dietrich's "High Test Girls" (1980) *In a picturesque European village nestled in the mountains, six scandalous Swedish sweeties service a softcore-sex-soaked gas station / grotto. Sex antics with plenty of tongue in cheek humor.* more than 2 1/2 stars

"High Kicks" (1993) *Jean Claude Van Damme meets Tommy Wiseau, without enough awkwardness to warrant a cult following or even viewing. A toothless & bloodless attempt at rape-revenge exploitation. Shot on video at Venice Beach. A mullet hairdo sporting Patrick Swayze type zen martial artist / drifter (private pleasure sailor) helps an aerobics chick learn basic self defense to fend off a haggard gang of goofy stereotypes. One villain sounds/looks like Artie from Howard Stern's Show, another acts all Carlos Mencia, there's even a Fat Albert body double, and the required Asian kung fu gangbanger.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

---- Red Letter Media.com presents Best of the Worst:

*Lady Terminator: Skanky Lara Croft has her vagina possessed by a snake goddess and becomes a Lady Terminator. Makes about as much sense as Terminator Genisys.* close to 2 stars

*Lost In Dinosaur World: A kid friendly, and painfully boring, 90s Jurassic Park cash in and half assed attempt at advertising for a theme park full of barely mobile animatronic dinosaurs.* 1/2 a star

*Low Blow: A kung fu Charles Bronson wannabe, who's inept and elderly, versus a could-not-care-any-less cult leader.* 2 stars barely

Red Letter gives a tie for best between Lady T. and Low. B. Lost in Dinosaur World gets melted by a hot iron.

--------------------------------

1201Beyond.com presents Riff You A New One: Raiders of Atlantis *"I downloaded a copy of a mustache." I don't know what that means, but I think it pretty much sums up watching this flick. It's an Italian exploitation mixture of Raiders of the Lost Ark, Miami Vice, A-Team, Road Warrior, Gilligan's Island, and Fulci's Zombie.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing and between 2 and 2 1/2 stars without riffing

"Asylum For Shut Ins: Video Psychotherapy" (2004) *A twisted, beatnik(?) ventriloquist dummy screws with the viewer's head for watching clips of screaming scream queens, acts of depravity, and horror gore. Often repetitive and headache inducing.* running from close to 2 stars down to 1 star down to zero

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Goes Noodling In Oklahoma *Savoring "gettin' some!"* 2 1/2 stars

Ripley's Believe It Or Not!: Episode 1 (1985) *Jack Palance pisses up a rope.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Obscurus Lupa presents: Gymkata *The Cold War had everyone olympics caliber athletics crazed. Beating Ivan Drago, having a Miracle on Ice, or scoring high in Tetris meant something. So much that Ronald Reagan's Star Wars nuclear program depended on the C.I.A. getting a gymnast into a Soviet neighbor backwoods inbred country's Ninja Warrior obstacles of death challenge in a Eastern European forest. The winner getting one wish. Ronald Reagan used that wish to launch a laser sky cannon and crumbled the Berlin Wall.* 2 stars for the flick and 2 stars for the fun review

Forever Knight: Dying To Know You *A psychic gets a little too close to the fire trying to fly with a vampire. I miss how 70s, 80s, and 90s action dramas would always end with lite humor, despite having a heavy story to the show. In this episode, a police psychic gets killed in the line of duty, after getting personal with our hero. He broods about it during a thunderstorm, and then the episode ends with the four lead cops having a laugh about protein shakes and tofu burgers on their lunch break. Game of Thrones and others should try this. *wink* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: I Never Promised You A Rose Marvin *This town might be more corrupt than Gotham. There's a bully SWAT team with a tank for a toy. Corrupt politicians try to cover up their crimes using corrupt high ranking police. And kooky doctors think that dangerous mental patients are just misunderstood and shouldn't be behind bars. Lucky for everyone, there are more than a few James Gordon quality cops down at the Hill Street precinct.* 3 stars

Viper: The Face *Suffers from the flaw of many movies and tv shows of the time period. Too much emphasis is placed on the comic relief and it gets in the way of the plot. That being a noble ex-con stuck between a rock and a hard place.* either 1 star or between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

"Samurai Cop" (1989) *Set in a bizarre alternate universe where Tommy Wiseau makes Tony Scott style action movies. Three things that no one would have thought would go together so sweetly: buddy action comedy, softcore porn scenes, and Japanese warrior code.* 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Even More Proof - Swords and Blowguns: Tips on how to have unsafe fun with deadly weapons for sale from the same guy giving the tips.* 1 star

*Hair Again: A picture of someone, with hair, is worth a thousand words, but the same picture, with someone wearing a wig, is pretty much worthless.* 3 stars

*How To Be A Real Man: Banditos get loco for HeyZeus.* 3 stars

*Star Search Audition - Nick Gomez: Carlos Mencia would have gotten zero stars on Star Search.*

*Video Guide to Successful Seduction: "Plan something different." "In public." Do it in public...* 3 stars

----------------

Max Headroom: Lessons *They're censoring Sesame Street.* 2 1/2 stars

1201Beyond.com presents Channel 32 Bloopers (1989) *Hijinks from a local t.v. station in the Midwest. It's always the businessman, who's too inept to be his own commercial spokesman, that steals the show. See also: Punch Drunk Love's "Mattress Man" plus the internet legend "Winnebago Man."*  between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

"Broadcast Babes" ---XXX--- (1985) *So, big haired (also boobed) lady, you wanna be be a glamorous news reporter mindlessly reading teleprompter info about family housefire deaths and funning it up with the weather guy? Well, first, you gotta lay it all out, on the casting couch, with Ron Jeremy's wiener cousin.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Future Schlock Vol. 1 *"It literally takes you to Funky Town." "My dad lives in a downtown hotel." "Girls like guys who get high." A mixtape with just the right amount of attention deficit disorder.* 3 stars

Wizards & Warriors: The Caverns of Chaos *Trust sprouts from bitter roots.* 3 stars

Look Around You: Health *"Between you and me, I wish I had never gotten out of bed this morning." That was before meeting MediBot. A 1950s sci fi style robot & mobile surgeon.* 2 1/2 stars

---- Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Soylent Green w/commentary from director Fleischer

*Talk about how this was an early environmental film in a dirty decade, the 1970s.

*New York has a population, here in 2020, of 40 million people. There's mass overcrowding and a huge divide between the the have(s) and those who have not.

*Romero would take this timeless, universal notion and apply it during the Bush Jr. years in Land of the Dead.

*Total dystopia happening here.

*When society is hanging on by a thread, women become property. It always happens.

*Joe Bob loves Chuck Heston in this flick. He thinks he's nasty and tough in a harsh setting. Joe Bob hates cutesy sci fi flicks. The ugliness of this one appeals to Joe Bob as he stands in front of kitschy, skull trailer decorations.

*You know it's a heavy film when Edward G. Robinson is crying over vegetables, because he hasn't seen any since his youth due to crop shortages and world starvation.

*A lot of social barriers have had to come down, due to circumstance, in this movie's world, but still armed men have to loom over like Hendrix's song "Watchtower."

*Joe Bob tells his audience to slow down and accept the slow pace of the film.

*Poetic dinner scene where Robinson gets to introduce Heston's character to a meal that he's never had before.

*Planet of the Apes, Omega Man, this flick... Heston was the king of thought provoking mainstream 70s sci fi

*150 bucks a jar strawberry jam on a spoon, from a suspect's kitchen, retrieved by the cop character of Heston. It's part of the plot and another scary, little aspect of the flick that really needs to be noted. In our real life, the prices of certain foods are always fluctuating depending on some issue. Right now eggs have gone up because of a bird epidemic, last year it was pork for similar reasons. This film is all too real.

*Heston's character is our hero, but, as noted by the director, he's lacking some of the more noble qualities of Robinson's older character who saw more earlier brighter days. This is saying that we're preparing a world for future generations, through our ignorance and arrogance and destructive deeds, where they'll have less and less humanity.

*Joe Bob, in character maybe, is getting bored with the film and thinks it needs a lesbo orgy. Maybe he thinks this will be above the heads of most of the drunk, late night TNT crowd.

*Chuck interrupts a lounge full of sexy ladies, and bums a drink and a smoke from one of them noting, "If I had money, I would smoke 2 or 3 of these everyday." In the seventies that would be a joke for different reasons than it is now. Back then, smokes were cheap, but now, he's right, you would be lucky to afford a pack a day, and soon it will probably be the way it is in this movie.

*Noting that the female character is nothing more than sexy dressing to the scenes and the lives of the men. Like sleak 70s furniture. Kind of like the whores in Game of Thrones.

*Joe Bob points out that Chuck is a feminist because he wanted the female lead to show angst about her situation in life, before taking her to bed. Ha. Touche.

*In this next scene, the governor of New York is taking his family to see the one tree in the state in a hothouse. In current, real news, the mayor of Portland, Oregon, took his family on the parade route of the Rose Parade through downtown Portland after a vicious homeless sweep to get the homeless off the streets so they wouldn't be an ugly reminder during the pretty parade.

*The director is commenting that there is no middle class in this movie. Only the very rich and the very poor. Again, it's where we're heading as a society.

*Joe Bob points out how the police, govt, and the rich would love to use bulldozer garbage trucks to scoop protesters off the street. Wouldn't they!

*One of the first movies to tell the truth of corporations being the new evil of society.

*Another scary dilemma of society in this movie, and possibly where we're heading with governments wanting to take internet freedoms and rights to share dissent away, the small group of humanitarian people are gathered in the one remaining library to read what information that they have left and maybe get down to finding out what the Soylent corporation is truly up to. Modern corporations would love to take our ability away and make us not be able to know what they're up to.

*The euthanization sequence with the sterile setting and the pretty music and pictures. I think it says something about 21st century people and our veal calf lives of pleasure.

*A classic gloom & doom tale about global warming and corporate greed.

*And remember, Chef Boyardee is Soylent Green.

*We end with Joe Bob talking about the next flick, on Monstervision, the Legend of Boggy Creek. And how the director was meticulous about detailing the true accounts of Bigfoot in a Texas/Arkansas swamp. This film was made around the same time as Soylent Green. Again, fast forward to modern day, we have real global issues happening in the world, and corporate channels like AnimalPlanet waste time and viewers' attention on shows like "Finding Bigfoot." History will repeat itself until the apocalypse.

3 stars for Soylent (the movie, not the product) close to 3 stars for the director and actress commentary and more than 2 1/2 stars for Joe Bob

---------------------------------------

TV CARNAGE:

*Keep on rocking forever baby boomers!: Roll on with that broken hip. You have medicare.* 2 1/2 stars

*Gullible as shit: Believe anything a trio of Asian gangbanging greasers have to tell you.* close to 2 stars

*Need my medicine: Benji, the dog, and Chuck Norris on a drug bust.* between 2 and 2 1/2

*Mighty Fine Man: You Pay TOO MUCH!* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Pay day: Don't be nervous, 'cause you're gettin' laid.* 1 1/2 stars

---------------------------

Six Feet Under: The Foot *And a heavy hand. I'm once again starting not to like any of these characters (except for the cop; as a person).* close to 2 1/2 stars (biased rating not reflecting quality)

Spicy City: Sex Drive *A Sin City Marv type butts heads with his cop partner. A real crooked dame.* 3 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*Milk is sweet, bro: The cream always rises to the top. So, chew your cud, bud.* 3 stars

*Vitamix - Catch the Vision!: It takes 3 seconds to grind meat and dust mite feces.* 3 stars

*Woman versus computer!: You've pushed the wrong button, bitch!* 3 stars

*BUBBLES!: "They're your friends." If you get high a lot and talk to puppets. It helps.* 2 1/2 stars

*It all ends soon!: Feral agony.* 2 1/2 stars

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"Blue Ice" ---xxx--- (1985) *Nazi exploitation mixed into a noir San Francisco setting. Spliced together with so much grit that one would believe they're back in the 70s at some 42nd St. New York grindhouse theater watching it.* close to 3 stars

---- Memory Hole:

*The power of the Dark Lord: to create zany mishaps at church.* close to 3 stars

*God bless America: that old soft shoe soul of a nation.* 2 1/2 stars

*Real men meow: it's okay to admit it and to be timid about it.* 2 1/2 stars

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Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: EZ-Mart Hostages vs. Woman with Rifle *Shoppers, redneck cops, & even the gun wielding psycho lady are all saved by a vigilante, female impersonator.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Bad Movie Beatdown: Just Go With It *An angry British guy takes a very anal (no Adam Sandler potty humor pun intended) look at another awful Adam Sandler effort. Just go with it. Lazy, uninspired filmmaking. Just go with it. Awful, horrible people celebrated. Just go with it. Rampant product placement inside the film. Just go with it. The very opposite of funny in a comedy. Just go with it. Movie studios and ticket purchasers paying for millions of dollars exotic vacation for Adam Sandler and his friends in place of an actual movie. Just go with it. And they go.* zero stars for the movie & 2 1/2 stars for the review

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Horror of Party Beach *"The day the mudskippers fought back."* 3 stars with riffing & running from close to 2 stars to close to 2 1/2 stars without riffing

A Haunting: A Haunting In Florida *Home ownership is hair-raising anxiety. Especially on sacred swampland once belonging to Native Americans.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

--- Beach MTV w/ Antonio Sabato, Jr. & Daisy Fuentes (1995):

*I used to have a teenage crush on Daisy.

*Antonio is wearing overalls and a wife beater. Douchebag attire.

*Before social media, everyone loved giving shout outs, especially from the beach.

*Stupid human tricks... First is a back-hand-spring, which is stupid, according to MTV, even though gymnastics takes a lot of talent, dedication, & training.

*Promo for the 1995 MTV Movie Awards hosted by Courtney Cox & Jon Lovitz (Odd couple there) with guests - A Baldwin (not Alec), Cindy Crawford, still a druggie & not an Iron Man Robert Downey Jr., Ice T & Chris Isaak, still an A-list actor Val Kilmer, and america's sweetheart of the time Alicia Silverstone. Performances by Boyz 2 Men, Blues Traveller, TLC & More...

*MTV is sponsored by Sunkist soda, a soda to drink outside, so they claim. Plus there's Eagle Snacks "What You Feed Your Face." (That sounds like a corporate slogan from the world of Mike Judge's Idiocracy).

*A Gen-X couple are on a jungle safari with Jolly Ranchers juicy candy and end up in a jolly rancher candy controlled temple

*"Drink in the waves! Ay! Drink everyone! huh!" A Sunkist commercial with beach party animals pounding 3 liter soda in the surf and dancing around with cases of Sunkist soda. If it was that popular, why is it so obscure now, and rarely seen on store shelves or on tv ads?

*An awesomely surreal Eagle chips ad where a guy scares off his hot date, because he has a creepy, chip munching face in his kitchen cabinets.

*Nothing says "fun in the sun" like a MTV artsy station logo reminder featuring a skeletal, black bird poking blood out of a still beating x-ray of a heart with white background.

*Next week MTV becomes MJTV as Michael Jackson takes over leading up to the premier of he and Janet's Scream video. Scream sucked, but they're also gonna show Thriller. Young ones don't get how big a deal Thriller was. They only played it on special days. There was no Youtube to go watch it on like any video ever. You could maybe own a VHS copy of it, but if you were just casually interested in seeing it, you had to wait.

*"You think you've heard it all? Listen to this!" Blockbuster is holding a sale for all their cd's for $11.99 or less. Even hot & new band Hootie and the Blowfish

*"What do you want?" "BROWNIES!" Duncan Hines "Hot Stuff" Pot sold separately.

*Visa, it's everywhere you want to be. Including the beautiful Pacific Coast Highway

*Arthouse ad for Nike & supposedly the Boys & Girls Club featuring Penny Hardaway's hoop dreams and struggles.

*A year after Kurt Cobain's suicide. Gen X can't mourn forever. So, here we are in South Beach, Miami. Woooooooooo! No more rainy Seattle

*Couples challenge... where a buff Guido (the type who'd get their own MTV show a decade later) guesses that a timid beach-babe looks up to Madonna (no duh! amirite, my sistaz?!) and they are pronounced "hot" by hooting admirers and get to "hook up."

*99 cent Batman Forever collectible glasses with carved images of Jim Carey's Riddler and other characters from the Summer blockbuster are available at McDonalds

*Bass Bomb 1-3 mix cd's from THUMP Records

*MTV News break... someday MSNBC news lady, Alison Stewart, talks about Eddie Vedder having to cancel a concert. Now she's pimping Hillary instead of Eddie

*Antonio & Daisy name drop how cool Dennis Hopper is for some reason. I agree. Can't imagine modern MTV personalities namedropping a badass actor over 40 much less 50

*It's also strange to look back at the era of MTV video disc jockeys. They've gone the way of the dinosaur. Maybe some other music channels still have them, but they're gone from basic cable music channels (which I still have). If you can call them music channels.

*Now, MTV is reality tv and MTV2 (which was supposed to take over as an all music channel when MTV began running mostly shows)... MTV2 is the Wayans Bros. & Martin Lawrence sitcom marathon station. Why this channel programs like this, and is able to survive, is beyond me

*Odd juxtaposition by MTV creative as we go to break with Ice Cube & Dr. Dre's hit song Natural Born Killers booming over images of beach hotties swimming underwater

*Launch Media interactive CD-Rom ad featuring a rip off of the rambling Aussie roadie from Wayne's World

*McDonald's superhero burger. It's what vigilantes obssessed with their parents' deaths eat while crying in their car after breaking a mugger's arm in three places

*Punk show 95, in Long Beach, featuring Sublime, among others, and a lazer light show. I didn't know punks liked that sort of shit. Thought it was only hippies.

*Six Flags Hurricane Harbor water park. I wonder if guys with fake Jamaican accents ever get tired of promoting the fun of whitebread families in vacation commercials

*Someone must have flipped the channel on this tape, because there's an ad for Dr. Katz. Man, I miss Penn as the voice of Comedy Central.

*TIMM, the interactive multi-media monitor for a computer. It even comes with a remote for dummies. Seems silly, but now there's netflix, hulu, xbox live, Twitch, all these apps we pretty much use on our tv in a similar fashion. TIMM might not have caught on, but the idea eventually would.

*One of the Friends (the one with the monkey) signs up for AT&T long distance savings  and flirts, nervously, with the tele-services lady. Lame.

*John Madden is a wizard ogre who can make jocks' feet catch on fire if they don't use his foot fungus healing potion.

*A male hotbody contest followed by a Bryan Adams music video. MTV, barf inducing.

*MTV News Break talking about the upcoming Michael Jackson & Lisa Marie interview with Diane Sawyer. Strange days, indeed.

 2 1/2 stars for Daisy, 1 1/2 stars for Antonio, 1 star for MTV, zero stars for those beach goers, and close to 3 stars for the goofy commercials

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Deadpit.com presents Retro Wrestling Night: WCW Beach Blast 1993               (a review) *Just two Kentucky guys talking about wrestling, while in a bedroom, just in their socks.* 2 stars or zero stars for the zero production values and shaky camcorder recording

Predator in Mortal Kombat X (2015) *Whoda thunk that a monster/alien from an 80s action movie would endure interest for two decades? While lesser creatures from the likes of Independence Day & Battlefield Earth reside in purgatory, this ugly son of a bitch creeps through the collective horror / sci fi fan subconscious. Collecting trophy skulls from popular video game characters, like Johnny Cage, and having horror fan dream-match battles versus Jason Vorhees.* 3 stars

"The Slayer" (1982) -uncut- *Edvard Munch paints a portrait of Freddy Krueger.* 3 stars

TV Carnage: Ouch Television My Brain Hurts *"3 weeks ago I was running for president. Now I'm on t.v. with a guy in a bug suit."* close to 3 stars

Red Letter Media presents Scientist Man Explains Terminator Genisys *Marky Mark escapes the ape planet and his tardis crashlands on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial during President Biff Tanner's 2017 inaugural speech. Meanwhile, in the crowd, Travis Bickle bumps into Morpheus who hands him the remote from Adam Sandler's movie Click. He uses it to pause the actors, on the set of Pineapple Express, in 2007(?),  while they're having an existential high moment. Therefore, Rise of the Planet of the Apes never happens. Or does it? Yet? Or it already has...? maybe in another timeline.* 3 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Church calls - Fart Demon: It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival.* close to 2 stars

*Disabled Postman: Inconvenienced by the impaired.* 2 1/2 stars

*Church prank calls - sex offenders: I'm required, by law, to tell you that I'll be there, on Sunday, in your house of worship, with my parole officer.* close to 3 stars

*Food Stamp Tacos: "Thank you for not making me any."* 2 1/2 stars

*Google streetview - There goes the neighborhood: concerns of the rich.* 2 stars

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WWF Summerslam pre-show (1989) *"A one way trip to the sun" featuring Hulkster, Tiny Lister, Macho Man, Scary Sherri, Brutus the Barber, Ravishing Rick, Andre the Giant, Ultimate Warrior, Bobby the Brain, and Mean Gene. Okay, Gene looks like he'd be a better barber than Brutus would.* 3 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*God's muscle: Have you payed your protection money to the Lord or are you gonna sleep with the fishes?* close to 3 stars

*Join the military!: "I knew it was awesome, but not this awesome!"* 1 star

*Don't trust adults!: Especially the Zucchini Bros. Band.* 2 1/2 stars

*Let's get flairing!: Entertain drunks by juggling.* zero stars

*Bio-magnetic touch healing sensual rubdown: "When in doubt, just touch" the sensitive areas of naked men. "Aloha."* 3 stars

--------------------

"Super Mecha Kucha Happy Fun Monkey Bash DX Part 4" *If thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, dip it in wasabi and put it back in skull.* close to 3 stars

"Summer of Tears in American Gladiators" *A sketch comedy group splice themselves into a "classic" & cheesy, reality competition.* 3 stars

"Snog Marry Avoid" season 6 episode 3 *The fashion-nightmare spawn of Boy George meet a fascist, ice-queen robot in a wardrobe.* 2 stars

--- USA Up All Night w/ Rhonda Shear (1992): Summer School Teachers (1974)

*Rhonda is dressed up like a sexy cowgirl at L.A. niteclub Denim & Diamonds

*This is a country/western line dancing bar around the time that "Achy Breaky Heart" (barf) was popular.

*It's nice to see Rhonda twist her hips, though

*Rhonda flirts with some big hunky urban cowboy yuppies

*Rhonda jokingly says that Ross Perot is in Summer School Teachers

*Rhonda recommends football strategy to prevent pregnancy

*Another strong women of the 1970s sex comedy from Corman's New World Pictures.

1 star for the honky tonk 2 1/2 stars for the flick and 3 stars for Rhonda

----------------------

"Summer Beach House" (1980) ---xxx--- *The thing that stands out most in this flick is the dingy yellow color scheme. It's on everything from the walls, furniture, floral bed sheet pattern, lamp shades. Nightmarishly probably still in the never redecorated homes of cat ladies, everywhere, on Dead End St. USA. In the malaise of their nicotine stained reclusive lives, they'd pull back their gown to reveal, to a stranger, a frighteningly wiry figurative pussycat. Also, I wanna comment on old school lady massagers. So white and antiseptic. Like a suppository. Now, dildos are mostly medieval looking & hot pink.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

--- Joe Bob's Drive-In (1991): Fred Olen Ray's Beverly Hills Vamp (1989)

*Joe Bob pontificates on what it would have been like if Wilfred Brimley & Regis Philbin, among others, had discovered America

*Drive In Totals... 9 dead bodies.. 11 breasts..

*Jerry Lewis wannabe Eddie Deezen is on the menu for fanged vixens. Highlights: dripping with love for kitschy Hollywood. Priest, producer, secretary, and butler steal the show. Deezen sucks. Bauer seduces as usual. Britt Ecklund underused. Some scenes like with the convenience store lady & motel cleaning lady felt more like the joke was our time watching was being wasted instead of the scene being funny, like it was an injoke on the set (don't do that, Fred). Tim Conway Jr., talented somewhat.

2 1/2 stars for Joe Bob (TMC didn't give him enough time to talk) & running from 1 1/2 to between 2 & 2 1/2 stars for the flick

-------------------

--- Phone Losers:

Dead Lawn Hippies: "My free speech is no to your free speech. I'm a loose cannon and into being organic." close to 3 stars

Convenience Store Confessions: Fine line between anarchy and being an asshole for no reason.* close to zero stars

FedEx Box of Ticks: "I know no one in New Mexico and I didn't order a box full of ticks." 2 stars

---------------

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Reinke in Sante Fe, New Mexico and Colorado *Riding the sky snake while with dry sinuses.* 3 stars

[tloujm]

Part III: Birthday Surprise

Author’s Notes: The plot and setting may look familiar to you guys in this. I mixed Abby’s trip with Owen with Joel’s trip with Ellie. While I could have made the museum romantic, I figured the Aquarium was more so. Also, this takes place several months after the 2nd chapter. To help imagery, it is late Autumn/fall. It’s cold and flurries of snow fall but not a full fledged winter yet.

Genre: Fluff

Summary: It’s your birthday and Joel has a surprise for you. Despite being distant with him, you decide to go along and feed into your feelings for him. If you were waiting for cute, romantic Joel, this is it. This is the beginning.

Ship: Joel x Reader

Joel has loved you since he made the choice to leave the hospital with you in his arms. That was when he admitted it to himself at least. He constantly tried doing little things to make you feel better, especially after having a fight. Sometimes, that just meant giving you space. He held on tight to the moments he got to have with you that did not involve you bringing up the incident. In those moments, he caught a glimpse of what life could be like with you and he had a strong desire for that. All he wanted to do was protect you and forget about the Fireflies. 

The day before your birthday, you responded to a knock on your door only to find a wood carved version of your horse with a note attached sitting on the ground. You could tell it was from Joel by his handwriting. It explained that he had a surprise for you and it involved an early start. It was your birthday, so your positive disposition allowed you to accept his surprise.

He wasn’t kidding when he said early start. Joel was at your door knocking before sunrise. You groaned before lazily throwing your legs over the bed. He knocked again with more force before you made it to the door. He wished you a happy birthday before walking into your makeshift living room. Your eyes were tired, but you gave him a smile nonetheless when you thanked him. He sat on the couch, rubbing his hands together in front of your space heater while he waited for you to get dressed. Apparently, the surprise involved a hike to get there so you dressed in layers. 

By the time the two of you made it past the gate with your horses, the sun had begun to rise. It was not often that you got up while it was still dark. Sunsets were more of your thing. Watching the sun rise, however, was a different kind of beautiful. The sky turned brighter shades of blue as the two of you rode through unbeaten paths. At one point, the woods became too thick for the horses and you two had to start hiking. Joel secured both of the animals before guiding you in the direction of the surprise. 

“Alright, c’mon.” Joel said.

“I’m going to start guessing now.” You stated.

“You want to spoil your surprise?” He asked.

“I’ve held out long enough.” You responded. “Is it an alien crash site?”

“Stop trying to guess. I ain’t tellin’ you.” He said with his back to you.

“Okay.” You let silence fall between you before guessing again. “So is it a nice, new car? With heated seats and one of those tvs that hang from the ceiling to watch movies on?”

He sighed playfully. “You’re not gonna guess.” You fell quiet, trying to think of something even more outrageous. The two of you approached a ledge as the path grew narrower. Joel pushed back a bare branch to give you just enough room to scoot by without falling over the edge. “Mind your step.” He warned as he gestured for you to go first. 

The walkway was so narrow that there was no other choice but for your backside to brush up against Joel’s body as you walked past him. You took it slow as to mind your step. He was so close, you could feel his breath on the back of your neck. Back in the day, you would have used this opportunity to flirt with him just to watch his face go red. After safely making it passed, you did the same for him and held the branch down while he walked across. 

“Fuck it, I’m done guessing.” You spoke up, filling the air with sound. 

“Oh, good.” He replied.

“But really though, is it a movie or something?” You got really excited before he could answer. “Don’t tell me you found some old abandoned theater and dusted off the projector and somehow figured out how to power it back up.”

“Um, no.” He said, slight disappointment in his voice. “Would you have liked that?”

“I would like anything you give me, Joel.” You replied genuinely. After a few more minutes of walking, the two of you come upon a clearing riddled with frozen over puddles. In the middle of it all was a huge temple front building. You approached the steps ahead of Joel. “Is this it?” You asked with a smile on your face. You didn’t quite know what it was, but having earned an art history degree, you had a penchant for big, old buildings.

He nodded. “Yes.”

You run up the steps like Rocky during his famous training scene in Philly. The grand doors had a faded logo painted on. It appeared to be of a dolphin and a whale swimming together like the Pisces sign. You waited for Joel to catch up with you before opening the doors. He watched as you made your way inside the large lobby. There was an enormous whale hanging from the ceiling with two grand staircases on either side leading to separate wings. The dead remnants of overgrown plants decorated the dark blue walls. As you walked closer to the information desk in the middle of the room, snow began to fall from the ceiling. You looked up and noticed that part of the roof was missing. It looked dilapidated rather than the result of an attack. It allowed in the only source of light, bouncing off the walls to cast a grayish-blue atmosphere. As you made your way further in, you found a mural on the wall of different aquatic animals.

“I think this is one of those zoos but for fish.” Joel quipped.

“Shut up.” You said playfully. He chuckled.

You walked up the stairs and immediately became attracted to a room with a shark head adorning the doorway. You headed in that direction first, but Joel warned you not to. You asked why, barely giving him the time to answer before you ignored his plea and continued to the door. It looked like a lounge room for adults. The walls were really just floor-to-ceiling windows. It gave an amazing view of the small lake behind the building. There was a bar, a large tv and multiple couches. You made your way around one couch and realized why he didn’t want you to go in the room. A skeleton, mostly decomposed, was lying on it, resting, waiting. 

“I didn’t want to move the body.” Joel spoke up. “He looked too comfortable.” He referred to the pillow behind the skeleton’s back and the blanket draped over the legs. You notice a piece of paper lying on his lap; his boney fingers keeping it in place. “(Y/N), no.” Joel protested as he watched you reach for it. 

“If it wasn’t meant to be read, then it wouldn’t have been written.” You responded. The paper had all kinds of stains on it, most likely from the decomposition of the body. The writing was faded and barely legible. “ ‘I’m taking Max away from here. He can’t spend his life inside this rotting building. All he’ll do is take on your weaknesses. I want Max to see what it looks like when people are willing to stand up for what they want. The world is harsh. It’s up to us to change it. Maybe we’ll come back someday. If we do, I hope you’re not still sitting in your stupid, fucking chair’. Wow. His kids ran off and left him.”

“Jesus.” Joel mustered.

The two of you go back downstairs and eventually find a doorway shrouded by dead vines. You pushed passed them, holding open a space for Joel to follow. Painted in large white letters are the words “Max’s place”. On the other side of the doors was the gift shop. You guessed that Max used this as his room while his family stayed there. Joel let you look around the pamphlets and trinkets. He watched on with a wide grin before he beckoned you over to the open elevator. 

“C’mon over here.” He said.

            You approached the opening and looked down. “If I knew you’d brought me out here to kill me by pushing me down this shaft, I would have stayed home”. 

“I’m not gonna kill you, darlin’, but we are going down.” 

“You’re joking.” You said flatly. 

“Nope.” He popped the “P” sound playfully as he climbed onto the ladder against the elevator shaft. He held out his hand for you to take. “It’ll be ok.”

“It better be.” You whined. He took your hand and guided it onto a rung. He began to climb down and you followed. 

He jumped off the ladder first, causing the elevator wires to shake. It made you nervous but you persevered. You gently hopped off the ladder onto the elevator roof and followed Joel through the opening of the new floor. It was very dark save from the light coming through the glass windows. You were in the basement level because there was nothing but water on the other side of them. You walked up to the plaques in front of them and read about the animals that were no longer there. You wondered if they’d been hunted or simply died when there was no one left to take care of them. Joel stayed until you were done reading. He followed you around the corner and stopped in front of a large fort made of cardboard boxes. It had a child’s touch as it was painted over with cartoonish figures. 

“Solid fort, Max.” You said.

Joel approached the entrance. “Ladies first.” He held the flaps open. You got on your hands and knees to crawl through. 

“Oh my God, Joel!” You exclaimed in a breathy tone. “You gotta see this! Have you seen this?”

He nodded. You turned to him in disappointment. “I had to secure the place before I showed it to you. ‘Sides, it’s your surprise, not mine.”

“How did you find this place?”

“I found it a few months back when it was warmer. I was on patrol with Nick. We came in from back where the lake is.” Joel explained.

“This place is beautiful, Joel.” You said, almost in a whisper. The room that you had entered was semi-circular and it was all glass. Even below your feet was glass. You couldn’t lie, it scared you for a moment. You were taken off guard when a small school of fish swam by underneath you. “Joel! Did you see that?”

“I sure did.” He replied with a smile. Through the algae and seaweed covering the windows, light peeked through and projected a dark blue glow. As the water on the other side moved, so did it's reflection on your skin. Joel gazed at the sight before him. You looked ethereal and it damn near took his breath away. He watched as your eyes filled with wonder. It was the purest thing he’d seen since the world fell apart. He allowed himself to gaze at you a few moments longer before he slid his backpack off his shoulders. “Now, this took a mighty great effort to find.” He said to get your attention. You turned around as he reached into his backpack. He pretended to dig around to prolong the suspense.

You rolled your eyes. “Joel!”

He chuckled. “Okay, okay. Here.” He pulled out a light brown ukulele. “Happy birthday, (Y/N).” He watched as your face broke into a smile. It was a wholesome experience and it made him warm inside. 

She whispered a thank you and took the ukulele. “I can’t believe you remembered. You said that you’d teach me how to play the guitar and I said--”

“You said you didn’t want to play the guitar. You wanted to learn how to play the ukulele and I said I didn’t know if I could help you with that.”

You looked up at him and met his eyes. “But you said you’d try.”

He took a step closer and watched as you fiddled with the strings. You experimented with the sound of each one before making up a little, silly tune. It was not perfect, in fact it was far from it. Still, you enjoyed playing. You even did a little dance as you plucked the strings. You twirled around and caught a glimpse of a shadow. You knew it wasn’t Joel; it moved too fast. The high pitched sound of the ukulele faded out as you stepped up to the glass. There it was again! Was it a large fish? It was too small to be a dolphin. What could survive in this cold water? You watched and waited. Joel came up behind you and did the same. A seal swam out from its hiding place and swam up to you. It's big black eyes gazed at yours. You were probably the first person that it's come across in a very long time. You let out a breathy chuckle as you watched it swim away.

“I do okay?” Joel’s voice filled the room. It was the softest you ever heard him speak. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” You turned to him with a smile. His grin spread wide to match yours. “Thank you, Joel.”

He continued to gaze at you with loving eyes. It made your heart flutter and stomach do back flips. You weren’t sure what was going to happen next but all you knew was that the atmosphere was perfect. You wanted to kiss him, but was too scared. He took another step forward and you let him. Now, the two of you were close enough to touch. He leaned down and closed his eyes as he did. You saw what he was doing and you wanted it so bad but…

“Joel.” You said his name while pulling your head back. 

“I’m...I’m sorry.” He looked down at his feet. 

“No, don’t be sorry. It’s not you. I just...I’m scared.”

He playfully scoffed. “Don’t tell me you’ve never kissed anyone before.”

“No, it's not that.” You paused for a moment. It sounded logical in your head, but you were afraid it’d sound stupid out loud. “But what if I infect you?”

Joel looked taken aback. “What?”

“I’m a carrier of the disease. What if I'm contagious? I can spread it to you from a kiss like it was a cold.” You spoke with genuine worry.

He let out a small laugh. “You know how many times you’ve sneezed in the house without covering your mouth? If spores would have come out. I would have breathed them in and I’d be long gone by now.” 

You look down in shame before laughing yourself. “I’ll remember to cover my mouth next time.” 

Joel caressed your cheek, prompting you to look back up at him. You smiled, inviting him to try again and so he did. Joel leaned down and this time, you reached up and met him in the middle. You took his bottom lip between yours. His beard brushed against your skin but it was a welcome feeling. The two of you stopped for a split second before going in again for another kiss. Joel was the first to pull away. He knew it was the first time that the two of you had kissed and didn’t want to ruin the moment by going too far. He looked down at you and realized he was ready to go as far as you’d take him, however far that was. Kissing you was a heady sensation and it was something he’d been wanting to feel for a while now. 

******

You start to let Joel in more. Your romantic feelings for him overcame your apprehension. It still lingered in the background, but you convinced yourself to focus on the present. What happened at the hospital had already been done, right? You thought to yourself. What if Joel was telling the truth? You rarely allowed yourself to play that angle. Joel and his brother respectively left the Fireflies for a reason. Maybe they did something that rubbed him the wrong way and he didn’t want to stay there and wait for me to wake up. You couldn’t help but trust Joel after he fought to keep you alive during the journey out west. He must have had a good reason, whatever it was. 

Preparing for the Jackson winter was harsh but focusing on the present was easy and your present was with Joel. He walked you up to your door the night you two came back from the aquarium. He stood there awkwardly as if he wasn’t the one who initiated a kiss from you first. The long ride back showed you that you hadn’t infected him after all, which gave you the confidence to pull him into a goodnight kiss. You caught his eyes widening in shock as you pulled away. It was so different from the Joel that you were used to. Moments like these excited you in discovering more about him. 

It’d been a very long time since you were in a relationship and quite honestly you weren’t in many of them especially after the zombie apocalypse. You could only imagine it was the same for Joel given his guarded demeanor and the fact that he never talked about any past relationships. The morning after your birthday, he made you breakfast. He did a damn good job with what little he had in the fridge. It was easy to tell how much effort he put in it between setting the table and plating the food. The rest of the day was a whirlwind of attention. You were never good at hiding your feelings, but with Joel, you didn’t want to. People in the settlement noticed the change in your demeanor. The glow on your face. The pep in your step. Lynn definitely noticed and she wouldn’t let it go. You spilled everything to her. She soaked it up like a sponge but couldn’t believe it. “Joel?” She kept asking. Unlike you, Joel was much better at concealing his feelings. He always came off as a tough nut to crack. After a year and some change in Jackson, the townsfolk found him easier to get along with, but he was still a closed book. It made you wonder if even his own brother would be surprised by how gentle he could be. 

You didn’t see Joel again until later that night after his shift had ended. You left a note on the fridge door letting him know that you’d be down at The Watering Hole, the only bar in Jackson, if he wasn’t too tired to meet you there. You sat around waiting for him, nursing your gin and tonic. You missed cell phones for this very reason. If he was running late out on patrol or was too tired to come out, he could just call or shoot you a text. This blind waiting was almost too much to bear. You figured that you would just meet him at home and come back out later if he was up for it. Just as you got up, however, you spotted him walking through the door. You watched as he said hi to the barman before scanning the crowd. He smiled when his eyes found yours. You beckoned him over with your finger. 

“Perfect timing,” You began as he sat across from you. “I ordered you a dinner a while ago, so it should be out here any minute.”

“Thank you.” The skin around his eyes wrinkled as he smiled. You noticed that he looked tired.

“We could go home as soon as the food comes if you’re tired.” You suggested. 

He waved his hand at the idea. “No, no. I want to be here with you.” He laid that same hand down on the table, palm up, encouraging you to lay yours on top. You did so and his fingers enclosed your smaller hand, giving it a squeeze. It was his first public display of affection. On the outside, it didn’t look like much, but it meant a lot to the both of you. 

“Joel,” You paused, not knowing how to start the conversation burning in your mind. “I, um....” You were nervous and you didn’t know why. What happened to that confidence you had on your birthday. Just as you decided to begin again, the barman came over with Joel’s food and drink. 

He thanked him before turning back to you. “I know there’s somethin’ here, (Y/N). I’m not alone in thinking this am I?”

You shook your head fervently. “No, Joel. I want this, whatever this is, to be something.”

“Whatever this is, huh?” He repeated. “Well how about this,” With his hand still grasping yours, his voice turned serious. “Go steady with me.”

You raised your eyebrows. “Go steady? I don’t think the kids say that anymore.” You lightly made fun of his wording. Still it was everything you wanted to hear.

His face broke into a half smile. “Well, we ain’t kids are we?” The smile turned sly as he watched for your response. 

You shook your head. “Not at all.” You said coyly. 

[tloujm]

Part X: Sweetbitter

Author’s Notes: So...Yup...this is me coming back to the series after that whole Google Docs ordeal. I feel like a 19th century novelist who just finished typing the first copy of their book on a type writer and was about to hand it in to their publisher, but then their house catches on fire and burns down and the only copy of said book  was lost in said fire. Was that too dramatic? Melodrama is the only entertainment I get these days. With that being said, though, I’m happy to be back. I had the drive to write, but trying to rewrite what I lost just bummed me out. I remembered bits and pieces of what I originally wrote. This is where I wanted part 10 to be, but it’s still not the same. I don’t like this rewrite as much as I liked the original, but this is the closest I’m going to get to it. It was a difficult chapter for me to write both before and especially after the loss. I went back and forth on whether I wanted to include Sarah and I eventually settled on the fact that Joel wouldn’t be the brooding man that we grew to love if Sarah didn’t exist. Trying to capture a parent’s grief was hard and I also wasn’t in the mood to write smut, but that’s what I wanted for this chapter so *shrugs shoulders*. It’s not perfect but I hope y’all like it. I usually don’t include word count, but this one is particularly long and it is at just over 4k words. I know it’s been a minute since the last installment, so time line wise, this takes place right after the last chapter (snow ball fight). 

Genre: The whole platter aka Smut AND Angst AND Fluff

Summary: You and Joel fulfill your fantasy and make love on the kitchen island. There’s post sex cuddles, mentions of Joel’s past before the outbreak and his view point on the pregnancy scare. 

Ship: Joel x Reader

Joel walked in the direction of his place, hoping that you would follow. Your gloved hand stayed glued to his as he led the way across the snow covered settlement. As soon as the two of you made it inside, Joel took your coat and proceeded to light a fire in the living room. In the corner of his eye, he noticed you enter the kitchen. Impatient for your return, he followed only to find you sitting on the island, casually swinging your legs. Your eyes were lustful and glued to his.

Joel leaned against the threshold. “So this is why you never joined me by the fire.” He said with a coy smile.

“I was thinking that now was a perfect time to try again.” You returned the look.

“You got me right where you want me, darlin’.”

You shook your head. “No, I don’t.” You proceeded to spread your legs wider, beckoning for him to stand between them. It didn’t take him long to catch the hint. He pushed himself off the wall and sashayed over to you until his middle touched yours. Your legs immediately wrapped themselves around his waist, pulling him even closer. “Now, I do.”

Joel put his hands down on the counter, one on either side of you. He leaned down to take your lips into his but you gently pulled back to tease him. Now, it was his turn to look at you lustfully. You leaned back on the island counter until you were supported by your elbows. He slid his hands up the surface, causing him to hover over your body. He never broke eye contact as he stretched his jaw muscles. He proceeded to lower himself until his lips could once again reach yours. They engulfed your bottom lip and you could feel the soft yet coarse hair of his beard against your face. The innocent pecks quickly turned into deeper, open mouthed kisses. Your tongue slipped between his lips first. For a moment, it danced with his before you slipped it back out to suck on his bottom lip.

You felt his hands slide under your shirt. The sensation of skin to skin contact always excited you. For a moment, his fingers lingered to caress your waist, but then he slid them back out to lift the shirt off completely. His hands returned to your now bare rib cage to gently coax you back up into a sitting position. As soon as your arms were off the counter, you wrapped them around his neck. In one slick move, his index finger and thumb unclasped your bra. You felt the straps fall down your shoulders. The only thing keeping the bra in place was the fact that the two of you were sandwiched together. His hands left your waist to slide the straps down the rest of your arms and moved away to allow just enough space for your breasts to escape the fabric. He let it slip out his hand and fall onto the kitchen floor. Before he could move to close the space between you, you reached up to unbutton his shirt. You damn near ripped off the last one, you were moving so fast. He wouldn’t have minded. You smirked at the thought. After he shrugged it off, you reached up to kiss him again. Your hands caressed his cheeks and your breasts were pressed against his chest. Joel loved this particular skin to skin sensation. He could feel you intentionally rubbing your nipples against his chest hair. The friction aroused you both. 

“I know what you’re doing.” Joel said in a deep whisper near your ear.

“Then touch me.” You replied.

Joel was about to take them into his palms, but stopped himself. A sly smirk graced his lips before he licked them. He took one quick glance at you before moving back and propping his hands on the edge of the counter to be eye level with your chest. You crawled back on your hands to better expose yourself. He kneaded your left breast for a moment before sticking your nipple in his mouth. Both grew erect at the tingle his tongue caused when he flicked it. Gently, he grazed it with his teeth before sucking. He massaged your other breast in his hand before sandwiching your nipple between his fingers. He watched the nub slide up and down. 

The taste and texture made him salvate. He was hungry for you and wanted more. He undid your pants and tapped your thigh so you would lift up. With your ass hovering over the counter top, he pulled your panties and jeans off all in one go like a magician doing the tablecloth trick. You leaned back onto your elbows, expecting him to attack your breasts again, but he gently dragged your ass to the edge of the island and lifted your legs over his shoulders. He again positioned his eye level to meet you, but this time it was your entrance he was gazing at. Joel could see that it was wet like his mouth and he was ready, willing and able.

“Wait!” You spoke up.

“What’s wrong?”

“I just...um...I didn’t know you were gonna go there.”

“You’re not ready?” Joel questioned. He genuinely desired your answer. He was nothing but patient with you whenever you wanted to take things slow here and there. He had never gone down on you, not for the lack of trying. After the two of you became a couple, he felt comfortable with pushing the boundaries and tried to do it, but you told him no. He was respectful of your decision even though it hurted you to refuse him. You were just self conscious of so many things: the color, the smell, the asymmetry, the hair and the list went on. Honestly, you were mortified that he had already looked straight at your lower lips. Your nervousness was starting to kill your arousal. The last thing you wanted to do was bring up your insecurities to kill it even further. 

“I’m just afraid.”

“Of what?” He asked playfully to lighten the mood.

“What if I suffocate you and you die?” You responded bluntly, to which he bursted out in laughter. The notion did sound ridiculous out loud, but it stemmed from a genuine place of worry. “I’m ticklish! Especially down there!” You began to explain, looking up at him with his face still between your legs. “I’m like a venus fly trap. If I so much as feel the ends of your beard against my inner thigh, I will squeeze them together. I won’t be able to help it! And then what if you can’t breathe because---”

“Because my head would be stuck between your...what did you call it that one time? your ‘nani’ and your legs? I imagine I’d die a happy man, so don’t worry about me, darlin’.” He flashed you a devilish grin but it soon faltered when he saw the worry still on your face. “I won’t let you kill me yet. There’s a lot I’m meanin’ to do with you before that happens. I’ll hold you down if need be. I bet you’ll like that, won’t you.” The last part he mumbled as he repositioned himself, but you still heard him. You let out a light chuckle and relaxed your body as much as you could. 

Joel lifted your middle up toward his mouth, causing your back to lay flat against the cold, hard surface of the island counter. He kissed your inner thigh and there went your composure. You began to clench them together, but Joel kept a strong grip on them like he promised. He laid his tongue flat against your entrance and he licked slowly from the bottom up until he reached the hood of your clit. One stroke of his tongue and he was already a mess. To taste you in a way he never had before was an intoxicating experience and it left his beard wet. While still gripping your legs in place, he lovingly drew circles on your outer thighs with the pads of his thumbs. His tongue danced around the clit, over and under the hood, like an ice skater performing a figure 8. Your breathing became heavier. The sensation felt good, yet so foreign. Your instinct was to control the overwhelming feelings that he was causing you, but you didn’t know how. Your whole body was fidgeting and quivering on the countertop. It wasn’t like the bed where you could grip the sheets or pillow. Your hands flailed about, trying to find something to hold onto as he began to suck on the bud of nerves itself. Your one hand settled on gripping his salt and pepper hair while the other knocked over a metal container of wooden spoons on the floor. The loud bang of the crash did not break Joel’s focus on you or his pleasure. It was your light tugging on his hair that kept him driven. It was telling him that he was doing it right and that gave him confidence. 

Joel came up for air, his beard soaked. “You’re so wet. Should I come up and show you?” He teased, starting to lower your legs. You shook your head profusely and hummed a no. “You want more?” He looked down at your face as you nodded. From that angle, you were a vision to be seen. “Gotta speak up, baby girl.”

“Yes! I want more!”

“What my baby wants, my baby gets.”

With that, Joel repositioned your legs, but before he went back down, he stuck two fingers in his mouth to lubricate them. You watched as he slid them out and he tucked his mouth down between your legs again. He resumed attention on your clit while the two fingers entered your hole. The level of coordination that he was able to pull off was sensational. The hooked pumping of his fingers were in tune with the way he flicked your clit. He single handedly drove you to a place of overwhelming feelings, both physically and emotionally. Like a button opening an elevator door, the pad of his tongue applied pressure to your little, sensitive bud and you released. You came and a warm feeling spread over your body starting in your core and spreading outward. Joel felt the warmth too as you squirted a bit in the process. He did his best to lap it all up. He could feel the warm juices drip off his beard and onto his chest. The continued sensation of his tongue on your slit helped you prolong your high. 

He let you rest for a moment after finally removing your legs from his shoulders. With haze covered eyes, you watched as he wiped his mouth and beard with the back of his hand. Your legs laid limp over the edge of the counter. They were numb and tingly and you didn’t even want to attempt to walk on them for the next half hour. 

“I’m not done with you yet.” Joel said after watching you ride the orgasm. 

“I can’t imagine so.” You said, eyeing his erection.

You began to prop yourself up, but he hummed a no. He spread your legs open as wide as they could go before stepping between them. His eyes locked with yours as he took his member into his own hands and began to glide the precum up and down his shaft. He, then, caressed your thighs with his wet, sticky hands while drawing shapes over your folds with the head. You gave him a small smile. It wasn’t coy, but loving. It melted his heart.

Joel leaned forward, bracing his hands on either side of your chest. Little by little, he slid his way into you. It was a familiar feeling that he embraced. On one hand, he loved the warmth of being inside, but on the other, he loved the friction that you caused when you clenched around him as he slid back out. Like before, he wanted to be the one that teased you; the one that made you unravel. He continued to slide in and out slowly until he bottomed out. He picked up the pace with each pump, gazing at you while he did to make sure he wasn’t hurting you. Joel thrived at the sound of your wet folds mingled with slapping skin. It drove him to go harder, faster. He slightly wiggled his hips with each pump so the head could tickle your core. He felt your walls begin to clench around him tighter and tighter. Taking one hand off the counter, he placed it on your breast and began to massage your nipple. You struggled to control the pace at which your walls contracted and it drove you to flail about again. Blindly, your hand latched onto his arm that was still planted to the countertop. He grunted with each pump as your breathy voice filled the kitchen with expletives. 

“Fuck! Im so---” You tried to speak as you felt your climax approaching.

"Me too!” He replied between grunts.

“I know. That’s why I need you to pull out, love.” Your voice was so sweet when you made the request. He couldn’t deny you at all. He did hesitate, however. He’d almost forgotten about the accidents he made last time and how tonight was all about making up for both of them. Being inside you felt so good, though. “Unless you want to make sure I get pregnant, then you need to pull out now.” 

As the last word left your mouth, you came. You were trying to hold out for him, but the orgasm snuck up on you. The high distracted you from noticing if he came too and where. The sensation of your juices releasing around his dick immediately triggered his own release. He held it in as long as he could until he was completely outside of you, but your clenched walls didn’t make it easy. Joel let out a loud bellow of relief as he exploded all over your stomach. Your head was too heavy to lift and watch, but you felt the warmth of his seed nonetheless. He fell back onto one of the barstools and rested himself for a moment before grabbing a fresh dish towel out the drawer. He dampened it under the kitchen sink and walked back to your still limp body on the island. Gently, he cleaned you up. 

“C’mon, let’s go to bed.” Joel said as he tossed the towel in the sink and picked you up. Your arms wrapped around his neck as he secured your legs in his arms. 

“Joel,” You began in a sultry voice. “That was…” You playfully exuded a variety of sounds out of your mouth to describe how you felt. “I don’t know how else to put it.”

He smirked at the very recent memories. “It was, wasn’t it.” Joel pulled you into his side as the two of you layed in bed. After a few moments of silence, he spoke up, his mind clearly still on the earlier activities. “Daggum, woman!” He shook his head, at a loss for words. “You know how to make a man weak.”

“That’s the goal!” You playfully responded to which he pinched your side. 

The two of you enjoyed each other’s embrace in comfortable silence for hours after the kitchen session. Despite that, he couldn’t lay like that forever without talking to you about the elephant in the room. He took a deep breath, but no words followed. He wasn’t sure how to start. 

Joel never thought about becoming a father again after Sarah. Even before the outbreak, she was more than enough to fill his life. Maybe it felt that way because he was doing it all by himself. It was just him and her against the world. After her mother left, he held his daughter closer than ever and their bond was unbreakable. Her leaving also meant that Joel had to play both parental roles and that meant having no time to date. He was human, however, and the desires were still there. From time to time, he would have one night stands, but they were few and far between. He convinced himself that those types of relationships were all he could have. Between being a single parent and working to pay the bills, Joel didn’t have the time. Secretly, he didn’t want the time. If he could bring himself to admit it, he was afraid of being walked out on again because it would not only affect him, but his daughter too. 

He and his first wife got married the last year of high school. Instead of a prom dress, she shopped for a wedding gown and got it tailored to fit around her bump. Joel thought back to the first time he ever saw her; he was a sophomore. Immediately, he had a crush on her. He remembered his little brother finding out and teasing him about it. He didn’t think she’d say yes when he asked her out, but she did. The rest was a whirlwind. For all of junior year, they dated on and off. As cliché as it was, they had sex at the junior prom and she got pregnant.

He cared for her, but if he really thought about it, he didn’t love her. When he proposed, he figured the love would come later, especially after their family was completed. Waiting was something he could live with so long as the love came at all and it did, but not in the way he expected. When his daughter was born, he found himself in love for the first time, but it was a kind of love that he was not completely prepared to feel. Throughout his wife’s pregnancy, people would tell him their experiences of becoming a parent for the first time and he believed that he would be no different, but he couldn’t imagine just how much his heart would swell until he held her for the first time. 

Life wasn’t easy; Joel had to grow up quick. He liked to think that he tried, but with each passing year, his marriage fell apart. He knew that she wasn’t happy, but there was only so much he could do to keep his family afloat. He suspected that she had cheated, but it was only a passing feeling, so he never confronted her about it. It wasn’t until he came home to the house empty, did he begin to think seriously about the possibility. He called out for her, but all he was met with were empty drawers and a note only stating that she dropped Sarah off at Tommy’s. She was the mother of his child, so he couldn’t stop caring about her as he worried over her whereabouts. He also couldn’t forgive her for what she did, though. It was one thing to leave him because she wasn’t happy with the life he provided her, but it was another to abandon her child altogether. There was no discussion or fight. She was just gone. Joel worked overtime to afford a divorce lawyer. He was told that the papers were issued, but she never returned them signed. At the point of the outbreak, he was technically still married to Sarah’s mom, but he had long stopped wearing his ring. 

Joel came from a broken family growing up. He even sensed that his own would be doomed to repeat the same history when he got married, but he didn’t want to admit it. For the longest, that was the reason why he never wanted to be a father again. With you, however, there was a pang of desire that he hadn’t felt since Sarah was born. He loved being her dad. Once a father, always a father. 

He pulled you in tighter. That pang of desire to have another child was there because of you. There was no one else he wanted to do it with. With you, he didn’t feel doomed to repeat the past. He had never given a thought to becoming a father again after Sarah, but when he did think about it, laying there with you in his arms, he realized there was nothing he wanted more. For the first time, he could have something that he never had as a child or even an adult; a solid family of his own. He just wished that Sarah was there to be a part of it. 

“I’ve been finding myself having conversations with her in my head recently.” Joel finally spoke up. You lifted your head off his chest and looked up at him. After a moment, you realized who he was talking about. You didn’t know everything about Sarah, but what little you did know, Tommy told you. A while back, when the two of you were on your way to the hospital, you tried to bring her up in conversation. Needless to say, it didn’t go well and that was the last time she was ever brought up.

“I would have loved to meet her.” You said to him.

“You two would have gotten along. You have a lot in common with her. I know she would have loved you.”

“Do we? Like what?” You genuinely questioned.

He smiled at the memory of her. “For one, you two both love giraffes.” You thought back to that time when you and Joel ran into a trio of giraffes grazing off the overgrowth on the building the two of you were walking through. You were so excited to see them but so intimidated by their size; you had never seen one up close before. Joel gently petted the animal first, then took your hand and guided onto it’s head so you could do the same. 

You smiled. “What else?”

He pondered for a moment. “You both like sci-fi stuff. I mean she was more into the ones with a romantic plot, but they had werewolves and vampires in them.”

“Are you talking about Dawn of the Wolf? I remember that movie. Was she team vampire or team werewolf?”

He looked down at you and rolled his eyes at the memory of being dragged to see that movie. “Team werewolf.”

“Good girl! If you really analyze the story, those vampires were really just a bunch of bitches. They wouldn’t have stood a chance against the werewolves. That’s why Izzy chose the werewolf in the end.” You passionately explained.

He sighed. “Don’t tell me you were into those movies too.”

“Only the first one. I read all of the books in the series and I wanted to watch the movie to compare them. Too soapy for me though.”

“You’re a nerd, you know that?” He responded.

“Well I did go to comic-con a few times.”

“Comic who?”

“It was a convention where people who appreciated comics and other forms of sci-fi media could come together. It was kind of like halloween but in the middle of summer because people would come dressed as their favorite comic characters. People would share and sell their fan art and they could listen to forums and meet celebrities. It was a big deal to us nerds.”

He chuckled. “I think Sarah would have liked that.” The two of you fell into a comfortable silence until he finally spoke up again. His voice was more sullen. “I forced myself to stop thinking of her because when I did, It’d either make me happy or sad and I couldn’t control which one I’d feel until the memories started. I didn’t want to feel that grief anymore, so I decided not to risk it and not think of her at all. No matter how hard you try, though, I guess you can’t escape your past.” 

“Don’t push her away.” You said tenderly.

“I won’t.” You felt his chest rise as he took in a deep breath before slowly letting it out. You hoped he felt better after talking about it. “I know she would have liked being a big sister. She was always good with sharing and just being around other kids.”

“What if I am pregnant?” You asked him seriously.

“Then we’ll raise the baby together. We’ll love ‘em and protect ‘em as best as we can.” He said simply in an almost whispery tone.

“And what if I’m not?”

He kissed the top of your head. “Whatever happens, it doesn’t change the way I feel about you.” To that, you smiled and kissed his chest. He sighed. “So what happens now, (Y/N)?”

“We wait. We wait and see if I get my period next month, then go from there I guess.” You replied. Joel nodded.