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yesimwriting · 3 years

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hiii, this might seem weird but do u have any head cannons for when the reader is pregnant and how the Darkling would react?

a/n love this concept,, it's not weird at all!! i feel like there's so much here!! also i leave for college this month and im lowkey starting to freak out so ive been watching star wars movies for comfort 😭and now i have half a mind to write for them, especially the prequels (cough, cough,, anakin) 😭 😭 that should tell you where i am mentally

anyways lets get into the headcanons:))

- okay so like most of my headcanons, this is probably going to be all over the place bc i feel like so many different things could change how he would react. Like if the darkling x reader have been trying to get pregnant, or an unplanned pregnancy with someone he really likes, i also think whether or not the reader is a grisha affects his reaction too

- in general though, i think he'd lowkey have a breeding kink he'd def find something about the thought of you having his child really attractive bc for one thing, he wouldn't have to worry about being left alone and now he has an excuse to be a real 'protector'.

- also if youve read my other headcanons i am 100000% convinced that he has this thing where if he really likes someone he needs them to need him (let's all remember the whole 'i will strip you of everything you know and love speech until I'm your only shelter' speech he gave to Alina)

- also i kinda want to write a fic or blurb series or something that's just the darkling being super toxic in super thoughtful ways LMAO if that makes sense, like he's being super sweet but it's to make sure the reader is dependent on him

- and he def wants to be the protector to give himself some sense of assurance bc he's so desperate to not be alone anymore and bc the reader is the only person he has/loves, he wants to feel in control and like he's the less attached one

- okay,, let's get back to the pregnancy thing, anyways, your pregnancy is most definitely activating all of those senses and this was meant to be a sub plot but it kind of became it's own thing lol

- so lets get to the actual pregnancy reaction

if you two have been trying to get pregnant:

- when you tell him, he kind of like, pauses bc it's not every day that he gets surprised so it takes him a moment to register that he's experiencing shock lol, so he tenses and goes islent

- and then after he realizes that he's surprised and that it's bc of a good thing, he manages to relax

- meanwhile you're kind of freaking out bc he got so quiet?? you start to wonder if he's regretting ever wanting a child with you? and you're like two seconds away from a downspiral and then he...

- he touches your cheek and looks at you in a way you've never seen him look at anyone,, not even you

- the look is so warm and strong and full of fierce admiration that you feel foolish for ever thinking he didn't want this. And then he says something about how you're carrying his child and how he didn't realize he could adore you more and then he kisses you and it's all :)) warm:)

- he doesn't want anyone to know that he's expecting a child as long as possible bc of how many enemies he has and how he has to worry about you enough when people just know that you're his 'lover' (a title you never really liked, but one he tells you is necessary to make sure no one realizes the extent of his attachment)

- if you really want to tell your mother or someone of that relation, he won't be mad about it, but he just needs to know

- Genya is the only exception bc the darkling basically instructs her to look out for you,, but when you tell her she's like oh?? you guys just found out?

- miss girl most definitely noticed like a day and a half ago after you cried bc she couldn't find you ice cream the other night 😭and she just assumed you knew but weren't ready to tell anyone

- okay so this what i think is his most problematic expecting father trait would be. So i just ranted about how important secrecy would be to him but he's also the most overprotective person in the entire world,, like he was bad before but once he knows your with child?? yeah, if a man asks you about the weather, he's done for

- he's next to you in a second, ordering either you or the man to do some asinine task

- if you get mad about this (rightfully so) or even just point out how nothing is wrong and you having a casual conversation with a man who isn't even looking at you sexually won't hurt you or the baby, he'll lose rationality

- it depends on how much you push, but it'd be super easy to make him super possessive bc like i said, being bonded by a child has made him so much more intense (and he was pretty intense before)

- and if you push too much he'll lowkey forget about how cautious he's trying to be with you and pin you against the nearest wall and say something along the lines of 'are you already forgetting you're mine? that i own you, body and soul--is my child growing in you not enough of a reminder? because i'll give you another one if you need it.' (AH--i want to write a whole fic based on this line)

- also if the reader is grisha, especially if she's a sun summoner/special grisha like him, he def talks about the power that they've created and how proud he already is and how he can't wait to train together and be the most powerful family in the world

- not everything is perfectly happy though, bc now he feels more pressure to complete his plan and establish the world he wants his child to be born into

- so sometimes when he's working extra hard or is extra aggressive for no reason, you have to work at calming him down and reminding him that the best thing he can do for his child is be there for them (and the child's mother,, lol)

- sometimes he'll respond by actually listening to you and trying to make up for his absence or his aggression by being extra soft until you finally forgive him

- you never last that long, it's hard to be mad at him when he's coddling you and whispering such sweet things about he's so happy to have you and your future child

- overall, his first reaction is to swell with emotion, which he isn't used to, and so he becomes super protective but also extra lovey and you know that his overreactions are just him trying to show that he cares about you and your future child more than anything

If the pregnancy was unplanned:

- the initial reaction is pretty similar, only his state of shock lasts longer

- like i said at the beginning, he's not used to being surprised and an accidental pregnancy is so much more surprising than a planned pregnancy

- this really sucks for you bc he's not exactly known for his patience so you just kinda sit there and genuinely wonder if you're going to be a single mom or if you're going to want to deletus the fetus or something

- but then he takes a step towards you and you see how he's looking at you and you just know that that fierceness has to mean something good

- and at this point you're scared and nervous and feel so alone so tears are pricking at your eyes,, so he wipes his thumb across your cheek to wipe away tears you won't let spill

- he then whispers something really sweet about how you two are now together forever, as you should be

- it's really relieving bc you felt so alone and uncertain and he's such a smooth speaker that by the end of the night, you feel like this is a good thing

- if youre still hesitant/weighing your options, he's not above trying to (gently) manipulate you into thinking that what he wants may be the only way

- by that,, i don't mean outright tricking you bc he means everything he says, but he def is pushing the keeping the baby agenda,, especially if you're a grisha,, and even more so if you're a grisha with similar power levels to him

- he won't get angry at first bc he's not so out of touch that he's unaware of how shocking a pregnancy is to a woman who wasn't planning one,, but his patience is limited and if you fight it too much he will get mad and yell

- but unless you really don't want to have a child, it won't get to that bc he makes the idea of having a baby with him sound so perfect?? like you genuinely don't understand how he did that

- he chases away all of your worries and assures you that youre not alone and that even though it isn't planned he wouldn't rather anyone else carry his child

- the initial conversation would probably end in you two sleeping together again bc he finds the fact that you're carrying his child so attractive and bc being aware of the pregnancy makes him more possessive

- it's also a good way to fight any of your doubts

- speaking of being possessive though,, i feel like he could be a little more possessive/protective of a reader who didn't plan on getting pregnant bc your relationship has been less established

- no one sees you as anything to him and he doesn't want to start rumors now bc it's important to him that his enemies don't find out about you or his future child so he doesn't want that to change

- but he almost forgets about all of those reasons each time he sees a man get a little too close,, especially if that guy is flirty

- it takes all of his will power to not just go 'she's mine and if i wasn't worried about the stress that witnessing something violent would cause our unborn child, you'd be dead already, but if you're not gone by the time i turn around, i'll forget about caution'

- lots of close calls ngl!! at one point youre like 'if it bothers you so much, maybe you should tell someone??' and he's like 'no,, maybe,, shut up' and then you raise one eyebrow and he just closes his mouth and is like 'i mean,, i'll kiss you to shut you up, haha--dont be mad'

- youre the one that's pregnant but sometimes you think he might be the one experiencing the mood swings i swear 😭

- so your little theory gets tested,, he's not the type to gossip with his besties and be like 'guess who's officially my girlfriend, i knocked her up but it's not like it sounds--'

- so he's like ig you can tell genya

- once again genya is like ?? yall thought you were keeping that secret? couldn't be me

- but having it a little out in the open helps ease him just enough that youre actually capable of consoling him when he becomes jealous

- still though,, he's quick to go into possessive/pregnancy kink sex

- youre most def not mad about it,, unless pregnancy has you particularly sore

- he's normally pretty understanding about that and def doesn't mind pulling his weight in the bedroom when he needs

- honestly he'd be really good at being a source of calmness at the beginning, but as time goes on he becomes more and more worried about finishing his plans bc he didn't expect to have a child right now

- so he'd be more adamant about working/becoming more tense and would be more difficult to console if it was an accidental pregnancy

- when you call him out on it--or on anything while your pregnant--it's frustrating for you both bc the number one thing everyone knows is stress is bad for baby, so he's trying to keep you calm without backing down

- these argument always end with one of you clinging to the other,, and then the more angrier of the two just like shuts up, rolls their eyes, and lets go of the argument...at least for now

- the main difference between an accidental and intentional pregnancy would probably be how you perceive him,, bc an intentional pregnancy means youve talked about things but since you havent talked about anything your shocked about how soft he becomes ??

#headcanons #headcanon #darkling x reader #the darkling x reader #the darking x you #aleksander morozova x reader #general kirigan x you #general kirigan imagine #grishaverse imagine #grishaverse #shadow and bone #shadow and bone x reader #aleksander morovoza x reader #aleksander morozova imagine

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miracleonice87 · 3 years

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7 for our boy barzy bc he’s justins biggest fan lmao🥰

you're right, and you should say it 😜 hope you enjoy!!

I say "I love you" under my breath / More times than you can digest / Music every time I hear your name (2 Much, Justin Bieber) - Mathew Barzal

Everywhere you went, Mat followed hot on your heels like a lost puppy. Every time your brother Anthony or one of his teammates mentioned your name, no matter how trivial the conversation containing it, Mat’s ears perked up and he began asking after you, earning automatic eye rolls from Anthony and the boys. And every time you entered a room, you sincerely took Mat’s breath away — like every cheesy love song from every genre — without even knowing it.

So when you entered his and Anthony’s shared apartment one evening with a tear-stained face and gasping breaths leaving your lungs, needless to say, Mat sprung to action. He jumped up from the couch where he had been laying before you even realized he was in the room. He spoke your name as a question, crossing the living room in long, rushed strides as you realized that he was there.

“What happened, bub? Come here,” he said, pulling you into his chest.

“Wh-where’s Anth?” you cried, your sobs racking your shoulders.

“He just went to the bar with a few of the guys,” Mat explained, caressing your back slowly as he panicked over your labored breathing. “Hey, hey, shh,” he cooed. “It’s alright. You’re safe now. Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out.”

You eventually calmed yourself enough that Mat was no longer worried about your fainting right there in his arms, and as you let out a long exhale, Mat finally pulled back to get a good look at you, his big hands firm on your shoulders.

“I know I’m no Beau, but do you wanna talk to me about it?” he asked, smoothing his palms up and down your arms.

You sniffled, swiping at your damp face with the sleeves of your sweatshirt.

“There’s not much to talk about,” you replied with a half shrug, but your trembling voice told Mat otherwise. “Chase cheated on me.”

Mat immediately popped his jaw, breathing out an angry, fully unamused chuckle, his grip on your upper arms tightening.

“You can’t be fucking serious,” Mat spat. “He cheated… on you?”

You could only nod, your chin quivering as another round of tears overcame you. Once more, Mat drew you in, resting his cheek against the top of your head. This time, you allowed yourself to melt into him, your fingers closing tight around the material of his black t-shirt, your chest fully resting against his.

Mat could kill the kid. If he wasn’t so goddamn worried about you, he would’ve already been in his car on his way to threaten the prick with his life… or, worse, take matters into his own hands, literally.

But right now, and always, if he was truthful with himself, you were Mat’s biggest concern. He had you in his arms, and even though your tears and despair shattered him, he had wanted you close to him like this for a long time now. Even longer than anyone in their circle likely knew.

And he wasn’t letting that pass him by.

Mat pressed a chaste kiss to your forehead and patted your back.

“C’mon, let’s go sit,” he said softly, taking your hand in his and guiding you to the sofa, the fingers of your other hand brushing at the freshly fallen tears. He nodded to the couch, encouraging you to have a seat, and to his surprise, you slipped off your sneakers and laid down instead, curling your hands under your swollen cheek and resting your head on a throw pillow. He offered a sad smile and pushed back the mussed hair from your temple, his fingertips lingering along the skin, and you allowed your eyes to flutter closed at the soothing touch, making Mat’s heart melt.

“I’m gonna go get you some water, and then I’ll-”

“No,” you pleaded suddenly, wrapping your hand around his tightly. “Please don’t go.”

Mat nodded slowly, caught off guard by your uncharacteristic neediness, and sat down at your feet, prepared to scoop them into his lap as you laid resting.

Again, your hand caught his.

“Will you just… will you just lay with me?” you requested, your voice barely above a whisper.

Mat gulped, unsure of what the best action to take was in this situation. He thought maybe he should leave you be, but you had specifically asked for him not to. And truth be told, he didn’t want to.

And so, Mat nodded again, and stretched himself up to rest his back against the cushions of the deep sofa, allowing enough space between the two of you, he hoped, to not make you uncomfortable. He allowed one hand to settle firmly on your hip, the other sliding beneath the crook of your neck.

Shocking him once again, you turned onto your back, closing the gap between your bodies. You heaved a great sigh, your puffy eyes closing and opening again in long blinks as Mat tried to maintain his composure with beautiful you in his arms.

“I’m so tired,” you mumbled, allowing your eyes to remain closed.

Mat hummed in understanding.

“I’m sure. You’ve gotta be emotionally exhausted,” he said, knowing he was pushing the limit as he lifted his hand to comb through your hair.

You groaned at his words, but even still, Mat felt you relax beneath his touches.

“That feels nice,” you whispered after a beat.

A smile pulled at the corners of Mat’s lips, and he was grateful that your eyes were still shut as it did. His fingertips drew mindless patterns along your scalp as he watched a more peaceful expression cross your features.

“Get some rest, bub,” he said softly. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

But as he heard your slow, even breathing, he was pretty certain that you had already drifted to sleep, your body responding to the stress and trauma of your day by shutting off and giving yourself time to recharge. He dared not move a muscle, still propped up on the arm that rested beneath your head, his other hand slowing its ministrations in your hair. He watched you sleep with a sort of concentration and presence of mind that he rarely put toward anything else, and before he could stop himself, he whispered, “I love you, bub,” under his breath and hoped that maybe, just maybe, somewhere in your unconscious, sleeping mind, that you had heard him… and that you felt the same.

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poguesofthebau · 4 years

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ssa silent treatment

summary: spencer starts acting distant, and when you notice and realize he won’t talk to you about why, you give him the silent treatment. your being so close to him but refusing to speak to him slowly but surely drives spencer insane.

word count: 3.5k pairing: spencer reid x female!bau!reader

a/n: y’all know i had to have reader lowkey tease spence for being spence at the end of this, bc that is what i do. tease him, but in a wholesome way bc i also simp for him <3 so here it is!! also gonna tag @jamesdeerest here! enjoy y’all!!

spencer was acting weird. you weren’t really sure why he thought you wouldn’t notice, but you did.

it was a tough case, and everyone was locked in because of it. despite the multiple victims, trips to crime scenes, medical examiner’s reports, and statements from witnesses and families, you still hadn’t caught your guy, and it was beginning to take a toll on everyone-- you simply weren’t catching a break. because of that, you thought spencer was just stressed at first. it had been a long three days for everyone so far, so you understood his reasoning for being a little short with you while you were at the police department. but, when hotch sent everyone back to the hotel for the first night since you’d arrived, you thought spencer’s attitude would shift at least a little. you heard, “go back to the hotel, get some sleep, and come back with fresh eyes tomorrow,” and you expected spencer to deflate a little, relax his shoulders and wrap an arm around you on the way out the door, maybe even grab your hand on the ride back to your room. however, you didn’t get any of that.

when spencer heard this dismissal announcement, he seemed to tense up even more. it was morgan who verbally disagreed, insisting that if the team pulled one more overnight shift you would somehow see something you’d all been missing for the past few days. spencer, on the other hand, remained silent, and when hotch stood his ground, you saw his jaw clench a minuscule amount before he rose from his seat, grabbed his bag, and followed morgan (who was angrily storming away) out the door. at spencer’s exit, jj looked to you, concerned over spencer’s behavior and expecting you to offer an explanation. you shrugged, shaking your head at the blonde as you gathered your things. “i have no idea, jj.” she gave you a sympathetic look then, waiting for you to get your belongings together before the two of you wordlessly walked out side by side.

when you stepped out of the building, you spotted morgan and spencer sitting in an suv. you were a little surprised that the two obviously agitated men had actually waited, but neither you nor jj questioned it before hopping in the back seat. morgan took off as soon as he heard the clicks of your seatbelts, and you silently watched spencer in the side-view mirror. the expression he wore wasn’t unfamiliar to you-- frustration, upset, and desperation, all in one look-- but it was one that didn’t make much sense to you in this situation. usually during a case like this, one that had the entire team stumped for days at a time, spencer would be visually exhausted by the time hotch finally sent everyone home. when you thought over the past three days, you couldn’t remember seeing your boyfriend smile once. the realization made your stomach drop, and the worry set in immediately. along with the worry came the paranoid thoughts. what if he had started to get a migraine? what if something had happened in the course of this case that had done something to him? what if he wasn’t okay?

luckily for you, those thoughts hit you the very moment derek put the car in park. you’d arrived at the hotel. through the fog of your own concern, you heard jj sarcastically announce, “home sweet home.” you let a chuckle fall past your lips at the comment as you opened your door, finding spencer a few feet closer to the hotel already, waiting for you to catch up. once again, you were reminded of how different he was acting when he didn’t put out a hand for you to grab, but you kept your mouth shut because of the relief his waiting for you again had provided. the rest of the walk through the building, including the elevator ride and the few moments it took for spencer to get the hotel room door unlocked, were the same. uncharacteristically quiet, with a suspenseful weight to every motion. when you were both finally in the room, spencer still hadn’t spoken, so you took initiative.

“are you okay, spence?” your voice was light, trying to simultaneously bring up the mood and open the floor for conversation.

“fine,” he said curtly, barely glancing at you as he tugged off his tie at the foot of the bed. “are you?”

your face contorted at the tone of his voice, and suddenly you were defensive. “what does that mean?”

“what do you mean? you asked if i was okay, and i asked if you were. i think that’s pretty straightforward.”

for a couple of seconds, you were stunned into silence. spencer was giving you an attitude-- that much was obvious-- but you had no clue what you’d done to deserve it. after opening and closing your mouth a few times, you shut it and simply nodded. spencer was sitting on the bed now, looking at you with false innocence. if he wanted to play this game, so would you. “fine, reid. i’m fine, too.”

“what, so now you don’t want to talk?” you heard the falter in his voice right away. he knew he’d pissed you off at that point, and although he wasn’t going to come right out and say it, he was already regretting his sourness. regardless of how he felt now, it was too late to turn back, and he still wasn’t ready to talk about what was really bothering him, so he continued the trouble he’d started.

“i’ll talk to you when you talk to me.” you turned out the light, finishing getting ready for bed in the darkness and sliding under the covers, keeping your distance from the man beside you.

the next morning, the air in the hotel room was suffocating. spencer had woken up a few minutes before you, and he was buttoning his shirt when you pulled yourself out of the bed. “good morning,” he greeted, hesitance in his voice.

“morning,” you said effortlessly. there was limited conversation between the two of you for the remaining time you were alone. for the most part it was a mumbled ‘excuse me’ or two, but no conversation, casual or serious, ensued. slowly but surely, you could feel yourself growing more annoyed with spencer-- you didn’t see why he wouldn’t just say something. it was you. he knew he could tell you anything, no matter how nerdy or rude or overly sweet. it didn’t matter to you. you always wanted to hear what he had to say, so this rare case of him refusing to speak his mind was bound to get on your nerves.

when you met up with the rest of the team in the hotel lobby, they all knew something was up. even morgan had a new mindset after a decent night’s sleep, so you and spencer still seeming so tense stuck out like a sore thumb. “hey, lovebirds. you two good?” hotch, rossi, jj, and emily looked to you and spencer expectantly when morgan asked the question, but neither of you flinched.

“ready to catch a serial killer, as always,” you replied with mock enthusiasm. morgan laughed, but he knew your deflective answer said more than your actual words had, so he let it go. the ride back to the station was the same. you didn’t speak to spencer, and spencer didn’t speak to you.

when you arrived at the destination, you quickly lost track of morgan and reid, not having seen the older man pull your boyfriend into a hall to further question him. “hey, pretty boy. what’s going on up there?” as he spoke, morgan gently tapped the side of spencer’s head a couple of times. after a few moments, spencer was still just glaring at morgan, clearly unwilling to speak his mind. “seriously, reid. what is it? you and y/n get into a fight or something?”

spencer scoffed at that, rolling his eyes at the suggestion. “she won’t even talk to me. i was mad, and then i got her mad, and now she won’t speak to me. and the worst part is, i’m still mad, and i wouldn’t even tell her why.”

morgan’s ears perked up at the confession, and he leaned casually into the wall behind him as his mind shifted into advice-giving mode. “well, why don’t you talk to her then, genuis? i mean, i’ve never heard of a time that spencer reid couldn’t tell y/n y/l/n anything.”

“it’s not that simple, morgan,” spencer sighed as he spoke, the frustration he was feeling toward the situation becoming clear in his body language. “it’s just--”

“morgan, reid. we’ve got something.”

spencer sighed again at the sound of hotch’s voice, shaking his head slightly at morgan, who patted him on the shoulder as the two regrouped with the team. a second after spencer dropped into a seat at the conference table, you came around from the other side, placing a coffee on the table in front of him and taking a sip from your own. before he had the chance to say thank you, you were walking away, over to where emily sat at the other end of the table, without even looking at him. spencer looked to morgan, who’d witnessed the moment, with a distraught look in his eye. morgan chuckled lightly, shrugging and throwing his hands up in response.

for the next fifteen minutes, spencer was forced to focus on something other than you. during the first five of those fifteen minutes, the team was verbally bouncing ideas back and forth, and everyone had their first glimpse at the chance to finally catch this killer. for a moment spencer felt hopeful that they could close this case and he could get you to speak to him sooner than later. then, though, the room’s population increased by two.

as the chief of police and one of his detectives walked in, you were speaking, spewing out a possible occupation of the unsub. when you finished your sentence, the detective announced their presence by stating a simple, “that would make a lot of sense.” you spun in your chair to see the source of the voice, giving him a tight-lipped smile in response when you spotted the detective who’d been working with the bau on the case. after smiling at him, the detective gave you what could only be described as a lovesick expression, and you immediately deflected the look by spinning your chair back around so he was out of your line of sight. the police chief spoke then, updating the team on another new victim that had been found that morning.

unbeknownst to you, spencer was fuming for the next ten minutes. he wasn’t surprised that you didn’t spot the anger on his face, seeing as you’d refused to lock eyes with him all morning, but everyone else in the room seemed to recognize it immediately. there was an uncomfortable weight in the room that you were aware of, but your stubbornness kept you from realizing that spencer (and you, unintentionally) was the source of it all. you continued to participate in the conversation, even directly replying to the detective at one point, despite your persistent refusal to make eye contact again. every time the detective spoke, spencer got angrier. by the time the impromptu meeting had ended, he was seeing red. he heard the police chief say, “alright, well, us two will head out and see if we can find anything, maybe bring somebody in,” and he was basically flying out of his seat.

“really glad we could all do this,” he muttered sarcastically, exiting the room as soon as he saw the two men go out the front door of the station.

“reid--” hotch began to call out, but when he saw the look on your face-- one of concern, confusion, and determination-- he knew you would handle it. hotch nodded to you, and before the rest of the team could get a word out, you were following spencer.

“hey,” you called out, hoping your boyfriend would realize you were finally talking to him. unfortunately, he either didn’t hear you or chose to continue ignoring you, and stalked out the station door without looking back. holding in a frustrated groan, you picked up the pace a little and jogged after him. as you stepped out of the station, head whipping around a few times to keep track of where the man was going, you stopped in your tracks when you saw him pacing back and forth a few feet from the door. “spencer.”

you caught his attention that time, and his face was painted in surprise when he heard your voice so close. your eyes locked for the first time since the previous night, and the look of surprise quickly morphed into a grimace. he began shaking his head, turning away from you and tilting his head up to the sky. you took a few steps closer, crossing your arms as you waiting for him to return your gaze. eventually he did, and his expression had once again changed-- this time, he looked remorseful. “i’m sorry. i’m really, really sorry, y/n.”

your eyes softened at the desperation in his voice, and the rest of your body followed suit. your arms uncrossed, shoulders deflating a little. “what is it, spence? just talk to me.” there was still some frustration laced into your words, but spencer was finally able to remember who you were. it was y/n. his y/n, the one he could tell any passing thought, any uncalled-for statistic, any traumatic childhood memory. anything at all.

he sighed, brows furrowing a little as he prepared to finally admit to what had him so upset. “that stupid detective, y/n. i mean, i’m used to working around airheads on cases like this, but that guy--”

“hold on a second,” you interrupted, holding up a hand. “are you-- do you mean detective beefhead?”

“if detective beefhead is the one that came into the conference room just now to simply ogle you, then yes. detective beefhead, y/n.”

the hand you’d been holding in front of spencer then clamped over your mouth, but the boisterous laugh you were trying to hold in fell out anyway. “oh my god. i’m sorry, spence, but seriously? not only are you jealous right now, but you’re jealous of a guy i just referred to as detective beefhead? is your iq still 187, or are you feeling sick?”

he threw you a dirty look then, crossing his arms. “you know, you told me to talk to you, and now that i am, you’re laughing at me. if i remember correctly-- and we both know i do-- you said you’d talk to me if i talked to you. not laugh at me. talk to me.”

you were able to stop laughing then, but the smile on your face wasn’t going anywhere. “spence,” you said, stepping close enough to him to forcibly uncross his arms and wrap them around you instead. “i’m sorry for laughing. really. but... that’s ridiculous. why would you feel threatened by him?” still slightly defensive, spencer tried to remove his arms from around your waist, but you leapt forward even more, grabbing his face with both hands and steering his head so he’d have to look at you. “c’mon, spence.”

“y/n,” he sighed, eyes closing for a second before he looked back at you and continued. “you don’t see yourself how i see you, or how anyone sees you.” your head tilted at the statement, and spencer’s arms tightened slightly around your waist as he shook you lightly for emphasis. “i’m serious. you are... you’re perfect, y/n, and i know how absurd that sounds to you, but it’s the most truthful thing i’ve ever said out loud, or thought, or known. and, frankly, i’m not the most outwardly-- or inwardly-- appealing person. i know that. i’m not like most people, and i know you think that’s endearing, but it’s hard for me to sit back and watch other guys come around and try to take you from me. my heart stops when i think that maybe you’ll look at someone else one day and completely forget about me, and us, and everything. it just-- it scares me, and when i get scared, i get defensive, and then i was acting so childish toward you, but it was all because i’m scared.”

for a few moments, all you could do was stare at spencer. you knew you should’ve said something right away, but for some reason, all you wanted to do was look at him. maybe it was because you knew you saw him in a way he didn’t see himself, and in a way nobody else could ever see him. when you looked at spencer, all you saw was everything, because that’s what he was to you-- everything. the thought of him feeling so unstable in your relationship crushed you, and the way he felt in that moment only reminded you even more of who you truly knew him to be.

you thought back over the last few days of working on this case, and all the times you’d come into contact with the detective spencer apparently felt so threatened by. he’d brought you coffee three times, but you’d denied it twice, having either just gotten coffee for you and spencer, or spencer having just brought you a refill. the one time you did take it, it was more in hopes that he’d retire his efforts after one small success. then there was the time you’d caught him leaning over your shoulder as you read the m.e.’s report. you’d asked him if he needed a copy of his own, and he’d told you that he had his own but liked appreciating the notes you’d scribbled into yours more than his own bland copy. you’d told him there was nothing bland about an innocent person who’d been murdered, and he’d basically run away from you. and then there was the interaction in the conference room that your team witnessed entirely. you realized then that spencer must’ve seen all the other approaches detective beefhead had made, and you internally cringed at spencer’s misinterpretation.

“you’re wrong.” those were the first words you spoke, because they were the most honest. “i know it’s gonna be hard for you to believe, but you are just so wrong right now, spencer. honestly, after all the time i’ve had with you, i kind of thought you’d know better to ever get jealous. and i know that sounds ridiculous, because everyone gets jealous, but i think i just hoped you’d see by now that it’s literally not possible for me to see another person the way i see you. literally. impossible.”

“i mean, it’s probably not really impossible, but--” at your pointed look, spencer cut himself off. “okay, fine. it’s impossible.”

“hell yes it is. because i love you, doctor reid. not detective beefhead, not some guy who tries to hit on me at a bar, not anyone else. just you, okay?”

he nodded, finally feeling for the first time in three days that you were still his. “i’m still sorry, though. you were so mad, and i-- i just made it worse, and i’m sorry for that.”

“i was only mad because you weren’t communicating with me, spence. so, if you’re sorry, you can make up for it by working with me a little and just telling me when something’s wrong.” he nodded rapidly, a smile finally breaking out on his face for the first time in days. “and also, you’re welcome for the coffee.” his face fell then, and as he opened his mouth to argue, you laughed and pulled his mouth to yours to keep him from bickering. for a second he resisted, determined to correct your statement, but he quickly realized that would get him nowhere. just as he succumbed to your touch, the door to the police station was swinging open again.

“oh, thank god,” you heard from the door. it was emily, a bright smile on her face as she spotted the two of you kissing in front of the station. at the sound of her voice, you and spencer pulled apart, both looking to her innocently. “hotch needs you both back. i’m glad to see you’ve sorted out whatever the issue was.”

you looked at spencer one last time before smiling back at emily, pulling yourself out of spencer’s grip to re-enter to building. spencer followed behind you both, relieved to know he was out of the doghouse with you and had no other guys to worry about. “spencer was jealous of detective beefhead.” you spoke quietly (and tauntingly, knowing your boyfriend could hear you), causing emily to let out an understanding, “ah, good ol’ detective beefhead. reid, kid, you got nothing to worry about there, trust me.”

“hey, don’t tell them!”

“you talk to me, i talk to you, we talk to the team, spence! it’s the circle of communication!”

“i’m never communicating again.” and that was spencer’s last grumble before you all got back to work.

#spencer reid #spencer reid imagine #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds fic #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid fic #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #ssa silent treatment #spencer reid x reader

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lilosaur · 3 years

Note

hi hi! okay so, i really like your work and i find them very fluffy and adorable— so! can i request a scenario (chifuyu, kawata twins, baji and mitsuya) where s/o comes out as non-binary and the boys are extremely supportive about it? again, i really love your work!

Aha thank youu! Yess! I hope u enjoy reading, this was fun to write. Also this was with 5 people but my limit is 4 so be sure to read rules next time (I just did one twin) :)

♡‧₊˚ Coming Out As Non-binary :*₊‧✩

⟶ ticket no. 12 ɞ

w/ Matsuno Chifuyu | Kawata Nahoya | Baji Keisuke | Mitsuya Takashi

ʚ Matsuno Chifuyu ɞ

You and Chifuyu were on a little coffee shop date, you had stayed up all night debating weather you should tell Chifuyu about you being non-binary. Once you successfully decided with yourself that your non-binary you wanted to keep it secret for a while but now it’s time to let it out. You were so nervous “what if” thoughts started to wander in your head. Would Chifuyu still view you the same? Would he start to test you differently? Maybe he’d just dump you on the spot and leave you in tears. No no you couldn’t think like that right?

So many doubts clogging your mind you only have one idea left, you had to blurt it out in one shot just break the ice and say it.

“Fuyu..I have something to tell you.”

Chifuyu's facial expression changed a bit he was now intrigued at what you had to say. His own mind starting doubting him too, we’re you going to break up with him right here and now? Did you not love him anymore? Both of you looked at each other worried about what you would both say.

“Fuyu I just wanted to let you know that I’m non-binary”

Chifuyu looked at you and his face was so much more calm now. You really scared him for a moment, honestly he didn’t realize what you said until a few seconds later after calming himself down.

“Oh, so wait does that mean your not a male or female right?”

“Yeah so..”

You continued to help educate Chifuyu on what exactly non-binary meant and which pronouns you’d prefer him to address you by. He's just an uneducated baby but he’ll understand as you explain more things to him.

When you feel insecure about it Chifuyu makes sure to step in and make you feel loved, sometimes he buys you a gift, someone’s he gives you extra cuddles or extra kisses. Once fuyu even bought you a little non-binary flag! He 110% supports you and wants to learn more about it, he doesn’t even view you any differently your still the same sweet Angel he fell in love with.

༚༅༚˳❃˳༚༅༚

ʚ Kawata Nahoya ɞ

You and Nahoya were watching movies and cuddling on a Saturday night, you’d debated ever even telling Nahoya about you being non-binary. You felt like he wouldn’t really understand or just be unsupportive of you. However you came to the conclusion that you have to tell him about it at some point.

“Uh Nahoya…can I tell you something..” You asked silently he could barely hear you.

“What’s wrong y/n?”

“Um…Nahoya I just wanted to let you know…but um I’m non-binary.” You mumbled it kind of whispering too he really just could barely hear you.

“Oh y/n wait I heard that before, what does it mean again?” He looked at you in confusion hoping you’d answer his question.

You took a little sigh of relief as you explain to him what non-binary means and how he could help support you and make you feel more comfortable. He was nodding his head along the whole time but you could tell he was definitely invested. The best part was he never once dropped his smile, which means he doesn’t view you any differently!

Nahoya still needs some practice as he may address you wrong but he’s still in his early learning stages of it all, he’ll always correct himself. Once you told him Nahoya gave you a nice cuddly hug and a kiss on the forehead, he told you he’ll love you no matter what because your still you!

༚༅༚˳❃˳༚༅༚

ʚ Baji Keisuke ɞ

You thought Baji might actually have a normal reaction, but when you called him to hangout and said you have to told him something your thoughts completely changed when you were in person about to tell him. You two were walking around town he was waiting to hear what you had to say, tbh your kinda scaring him..

You decided to just spit it out, no more holding back on him he has a right to know, right? You tried to calm yourself and mentally prepare yourself for all the outcomes of this situation but it’s barely working…

“Um so, Baji…we’ll I’m non-binary.” You almost mumbled it, your hands clung to your shirt messing around with your nails as nervousness began to break into your mind with his silence.

“Oh. Okay, what should I do to help support you y/n.”

Baji grew such a light and warm smile on his face now, giving you a look that seemed to be saying ‘don’t worry’

You explain to Baji what non-binary meant/is and he’s trying his best to understand and remember it all. Honestly he really doesn’t bring it up much he uses your preferred pronouns/name and always makes sure to tell other people your correct pronouns if they address you wrong. (With ur permission ofc.)

Baji's love for you will never change, your such a sweet person to him and you have a very special place in his heart. how cute

༚༅༚˳❃˳༚༅༚

ʚ Mitsuya Takashi ɞ

Mitsuya always showed how much he loved you, weather it was through gifts, actions, or words you always knew. So why were you in doubt of Mitsuya? Would he really just stop loving you? Ever since you made the final decision that you are indeed non-binary you’ve been terrified to tell anyone. At some point he’d need to know though, it’s scary even when you see him it feels like a big secret. You two already had plans to hang out tonight at his house, but was this good timing?

It was already too late to think about it, you found you and Mitsuya sitting on his bed just talking about your lives and what’s been going on. It hit your mind again, is this good timing? He literally just asked if anything new is going on in your life, how do you tell him though? Beat it around the bush or straight forward?

“Um y/n is something wrong.” I guess you were quiet for too long and zoned out a bit, his voice was so soft and gentle. Yes now is good timing.

“Um Mitsuya..I have something to tell you and it’s kind of big.” Mitsuya grew a worried expression once you said it was a big thing, so many possibilities filled his mind. Your both stressed out now.

“Mitsuya I’m non-binary.” As that sentence left your mouth you started to hold your breath, hoping, praying, wishing everything would still be the same without any change.

“Y/n! I’m so happy for you, that’s great!” He said with a smile on his face. You let yourself breathe now, he was okay with it? So bizarre but not really..

“Y/n I hope you know this won’t change anything though, your still the y/n I fell in love with.” His words broke through all the bad thoughts and endings you started to think of, Mitsuya really did accept you.

In fact Mitsuya has been questioning himself too, he’s been studying all kinds of pronouns, sexualities, and overall what he wants his identity to be. So he understand and you two will work with each other to help you guys find your true selves!

beep boop, aha I procrastinated this a lot bc of schoolwork so sorry for not posting for two days 😅 Anyways I hope you guys enjoyed this one! Remember you're all valid, don’t let anyone get you down your so special in this world no matter what you identify as or who you love. 🤎

#chifuyu matsuno #chifuyu x reader #nahoya kawata #nahoya x reader #baji keisuke #baji x reader #mitsuya takashi #mitsuya x reader #tokrev fluff #tokrev hcs #tokyo revengers #tokrev #tokyorevengers #tokrev x reader #chifuyu fluff #baji fluff #nahoya fluff #mitsuya fluff

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meganshinsou-tm · 5 years

Text

the best alpha’s. (f)

☙ pairing: bakugou x reader x kirishima

☙ theme: a/b/o, domestic dads

☙ cw/tw: profanity, a/b/o characteristics, scenting, slight self-doubt, baku needs a hug, cute alpha dads with their pup.

☙ a/n-request: Baku and Kiri (separately but also maybe poly??? is 3 different scenarios too much?) being absolute fuckin badass units on the job kickin ass and sassin reporters (lookin at u Explodo 👀) but the SECOND they walk thru the door and see their lil omega and pup they melt into Soft Dad Mode ™ and just wanna scent their precious beans bc they love them so much and there is just a lot of “wow I’m happy to come home to you” 🥺🥺🥺

** so I just did them in a poly ship, hope you like it. ^-^

“Where the fuck is she?”

The moment you hear that gruff voice and smell not one but two annoyed alpha’s you freeze for only a second before smiling and poking your head out of the kitchen. Down the short hallway, Bakugou and Kirishima are both seen removing their shoes and duffels, using each other to lean against in the process.

Kirishima is the first to pick up your happy and excited scent, his nose sniffing the air and face turning in your direction with one of those famous sharp toothed grins. He rumbles loudly and shoves Bakugou off so he can take massive strides in your direction. Soon there are large calloused hands cupping your face and you’re nuzzling each other’s cheeks. The scent of mountain rapids fills your nose and has you purring loudly along with Kirishima’s steady rumbling in his chest, sharp teeth softly nip at your cheek and cause you to chirp happily.

“Man I missed you.”

You chuckle and pet Kirishima's chest. “You saw me this morning.”

“It’s been a long day,” he breathes out after taking in a giant lungful of your honeysuckle scent.

Pulling away, you let the alpha hug you close while eyeing the other who was quickly approaching. You reach out a hand when Bakugou gets closer and his scent of flint and a sweet campfire mixes with Kirishima’s. Bakugou doesn’t waste a moment in pressing his cheek to the inside of your palm, his hand coming up to hold it there while he takes in numerous breaths of your scent in order to calm himself.

“I saw.”

Kirishima chuckles and pets the top of Bakugou’s head teasingly, earning a growl but no movement from the blonde alpha.

“That reporter was asking stupid questions.”

You laughed and moved to hug Bakugou next when Kirishima finally released you, now nuzzling him instead. His arms wrapped around your waist and pulled you close, his inner alpha clawing inside of his head to get any sort of comfort from you.

Like Kirishima said, it had been a long day. They went hard nonstop against multiple villains and at the end of it, reporters caught up to the alpha duo to pester them with pointless questions about their day. Most of the time Kirishima handled the on the spot interviews but today Bakugou was just at his limit. Maybe it was because he was hungry and tired, and maybe because his rut was going to start within the next two weeks and it was making him more antsy than usual.

So before Kirishima could calmly engage with the reporter, Bakugou snapped and may or may not have gone on a tirade about how fed up he was with reporters being stuck up his ass and many other profanities. All while Kirishima struggled to literally hold the blonde back from destroying the mics and cameras with his teeth.

“He has to make a public apology in a few days, after some mandatory off time.”

Kirishima spoke, trying to hide his grin while patting Bakugou’s back and kissing his cheek and yours. He decided to give you a couple more minutes and wandered into the kitchen to make himself and Bakugou some drinks.

You shifted slightly and Bakugou whimpered, arms tightening around you. His scent suddenly turned distressed and you crooned against his cheek.

“It’s okay alpha, I’m not going anywhere.”

Bakugou relaxed at that and buried his face into your neck, seeking out more of your calming pheromones as you tousled his hair and rubbed his back.

“I just … fuck, I thought I had gotten better and I then I fucked it up.”

“Katsuki, look at me,” you demanded in the softest way that only you could do.

Bakugou sighed and pulled away from the crook of your neck to look down at you with red eyes full of shame. If he had ears, you were sure they would be flat against his head. With a smile, you cupped his cheeks in your hands and leaned forward to kiss his lips.

“You had one bad day, it’s not the end of the world. Your job is one of the most gruelling and stressful ones out there - you’re entitled to a blow-up here and there, shit happens. Maybe you could’ve handled this one differently but then again, maybe not. You can only take so much and I think a few days off will do you some good.”

Bakugou grumbled.

“You’re not a bad person for one bad day Katsuki. You’re a good alpha - the best alpha.”

The sound of Kirishima clearing his throat from the kitchen rang throughout the air, making you and Bakugou snicker.

“You’re one out of two of the best alpha’s.”

Instantly loud purring could be heard from the redhead and you smiled before kissing Bakugou again. He rumbled and chirped while scenting you and being scented just a few seconds longer.

“I’m the best alpha,” he breathed out against your scent gland, loud enough for only you to hear.

You smiled and nodded, nipping at his cheek then pulling away.

“I know someone who will be very happy that you’ll be home for the next few days.”

At that Bakugou perked up and his happy scent grew tenfold. A genuine smile stretched on his face and he rubbed the tip of his nose against yours, earning a giggle. Suddenly though, the sound of Kirishima bolting from the kitchen caught yours and Bakugou’s attention and soon enough Bakugou was growling with narrowed eyes. He quickly pecked your cheek before taking off after Kirishima towards the living room.

“No way Shitty Hair, me first!”

You rolled your eyes and started to walk after them.

“It’s been seven months now you overgrown pups - fucking share!”

Kirishima barked out a laugh while Bakugou cackled, the two of them dropping to the plush rug on the living room floor the second their red eyes landed on their pup. Thankfully she was waking up from her nap, surrounded safely by soft barriers of a mini nest you made for her. The moment her own red eyes landed on the two alpha’s kneeling before her she squealed and made grabby hands in their direction while spouting out gibberish.

Bakugou snarled when Kirishima went to scoop her up. The redhead sighed and sat back, letting Bakugou take her first with a pout.

“You’re not fair babe, you’re gonna get three whole days with her!”

“Shut up, I deserve it.”

You giggled and stood behind Kirishima, bending over him and giving him an upside down kiss in order to distract him from Bakugou, basically gloating. He hummed and lifted a hand to pinch your cheek, kissing back. When you pulled away, you let the alpha’s be, going back to the kitchen after giving Bakugou and your pup a kiss.

Bakugou held the small pup close, scenting her chubby cheeks and tiny hands that grabbed at his face. She smelled like you, too young to have presented yet and have a scent of her own. But it wouldn’t be long before your scent was gone and completely masked with his and Kirishima’s. After getting his small fill, she was handed over to her other papa.

They redheaded alpha smiled and cooed, always the more talkative one with your pup.

“Hi there princess. Did you have a good nap?” He chimed, kissing the inside of tiny little hands.

She responded with a smile that flashed her singular sharp tooth that had started to grow so far and a giggle. Kirishima scented her as well, lifting her high in order to blow against her pudgy tummy and sides, earning more squeals and heart stopping giggles.

Bakugou sat back and watched happily, already feeling more and more relaxed and content. His stresses from the day were quickly fading away the more he and Kirishima played with and scented the blonde little pup. All three of them rolled around on the floor, crawling and playing peek-a-boo. Then came the alpha’s favorite game which was Bakugou holding his pup by the hands to stand on excited bouncy legs, maneuvering her like a doll to beat up Kirishima. Bakugou would laugh and snort while making her kick and punch at his alpha mate, lifting her up to swan dive onto Kirishima’s rumbling chest. All while Kirishima played his part of the villain, pleading and faking hurt very dramatically.

You’d watch on from the kitchen, continuing dinner with a smile and purring happily. Once you got to a point where the food could be unattended, you set the timer for thirty-minutes and made your way into the now quiet living room. In the floor laid both alphas, snuggled up close on either side of your pup with their hands resting on her tummy and chubby thigh. All three of them were peacefully napping.

Soft rumbles came from Bakugou and Kirishima in their sleep while a tiny purr could be heard from your pup. You smiled and lowered onto the floor, moving to lay where Bakugou and Kirishima’s heads were, curling around them and alternating between petting their heads.

They really were the best alpha’s.

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harryhandstan · 4 years

Text

gotta get better

gif credit

This concept has been in my head for a while now and it took me like a month to write and edit and just get it all out! I had surgery two years ago today and it was one of the most emotional, stressful experiences of my life simply bc I’m just a big baby lol. This is just something to celebrate that day and the fact that I’m still so happy it’s all over! Fluffy af as usual cause that’s all I know how to write. :)

Thankful to @bfharry�� and @bopbopstyles for not only inspiring me with their amazing writing but pushing me towards finishing this and reaching (even going over) my personal 5k goal! I appreciate you both so much!!

I recently saw a post about tagging triggers properly so I’m gonna do it that way but if I do it wrong or it doesn’t work PLEASE let me know and I will fix it immediately (just want to be sure all my bases are covered)

// needles tw, pills tw (prescription), anxiety tw // (if I missed anything I should’ve tagged please please let me know!!) and I’m sure there are some medical inaccuracies bc that whole day is kind of a blur for me haha

as always likes/rbs/comments are welcome but absolutely not necessary :)

final word count: 7.1k

"Y'nervous, angel?"

"Hmm?"

"Bout to chew your finger off. I know there can't be much of a nail left."

Your hand drops back to your lap. You hadn't even realized you were doing it. A bad habit of the nervous child you thought you'd long forgotten. He offers his left hand and you accept it, thumb swiping over the cross painted across his skin. He knows it's one of your favorites and you're thankful for the comfort. You don't know how many times he'd teased you about how you would eventually rub it off one day and he'd have to get it redone.

"S'a routine surgery, I bet they do them all day. You're gonna be fine."

You'd been over all this a thousand times before. Harry had to ban you from looking up the procedure online at one point. You became obsessive with worry. What if you're still awake when they cut into you and you can't talk? What if you feel everything and can't tell anyone? What if you don't wake up? He had shot down every one of your horrifying theories.

"How much longer before they take me back?"

"Nurse said it would be about 10 minutes when we checked in. Shouldn't be too much longer. Want me to check the board again?"

Checking in had only consisted of a nurse taking your name and giving you your bracelet for the day with an ID number. The number would help Harry stay updated on where you were throughout the whole process. The "board" was simply a tv mounted to the wall that frequently cycled through each patient's last name and ID number.

"No, no," You cling to his sleeve like a desperate child, "Don't leave again. She said they wouldn't update anything until I went back anyway."

Harry had left you only briefly when you first arrived. Hands in his pockets, wandering around like a lost child around the big, open expanse of the waiting room. He stayed where you could see him and the whole time you had anxiously chewed your bottom lip until he returned. You hated it, but you knew he was just as nervous as you. So you let him have that moment. To check his surroundings and release some of the nerves so he could come back to you, calm and cool as always.

When the nurse does call your name, you almost jump out of your skin. You freeze, unable to move. Harry stands and flashes the nurse a quick smile before turning back to you and offering his hand.

You shake your head, "I can't do this, H. I feel like I'm gonna throw up if I move."

"You're not, promise. Remember those breathing exercises we practiced? Do those. C'mon..deep breath in. Pause. Slowly let it out. Do it while we walk."

Slow deep breath in. Pause. Slowly let it out.

You remember how silly you felt the first time you did it. How it made you giggle at first. This is never going to work. But eventually it did. Anytime you got upset or started to overthink about this day, Harry made you stop whatever you were doing and sit down. Breathe.

It was a little difficult to do while walking. Your body wanted to pause your steps when your breath paused, but Harry tugged you along, you almost hiding behind him until you made it through a set of heavy wooden doors to a small space with a hospital bed and a curtain drawn in front of it.

The IV had had been your biggest dread, the fear overriding any logic that it was something you needed, instead of something the nurses decided to do simply to torture you.

Your face twists into a wince of pain when the needle goes into your vein, Harry standing over you, his face a mirror of your own as you squeeze his hand. When the nurse pulls away with a triumphant "all done!" you flash a look of surprise between your arm and Harry.

"Not that bad, eh? Think ya overreacted a bit about how bad that was gonna be?" He raises his eyebrows, waiting for you to shoot him a nasty look for teasing you.

"Maybe a little." You pinch your index finger and thumb together, indicating a minimal amount.

"Tiny bit more, babe," Another nurse appears from around the curtain and he laughs before speaking to her, "it's all she's worried about all morning."

"Honestly that's everyone's least favorite part. The rest of the day should be aces if you can handle that!"

Harry settles himself into a chair while the nurse goes through a myriad of questions. Any other surgeries? Allergies to medications you know of? Do you smoke? Drink?

Harry snorts when you say no to drinking, but quickly clasps his hand over his mouth when the nurse's head snaps to look between you and him.

"The occasional drink is fine, no worries. Nothing this morning though, right?"

"No, ma'am."

Your eyes meet his, a mischievous grin still plastered across his face. He mumbles a quick "sorry" while you try to pull your concentration back towards the nurse and the remainder of her questions.

"Alright, time for the good stuff," she passes you a small clear cup with two white pills, "First one is just something to keep you calm and relaxed, second one is to prevent any pain after the procedure. They'll give you something to make you sleepy when you get to the OR, but this might make you a bit loopy for now."

"This should be fun." Harry claps his hand in front of him, rubbing them together quickly. He leans forward in his chair, as if ready for a show.

"Yeah? Is she a happy drunk?"

Harry had only ever experienced you high on any sort of prescription medication once, almost a year ago when you went on a girl's trip with your best friend and twisted your ankle in an attempt to make it back to her car after dinner out one night. You calling him from an unknown ER in the middle of the night had terrified him enough to start packing a bag to fly to you before your best friend could grab your phone and assure him you were fine and she would put you on a plane home to him in two days as planned. He had teased you endlessly when he picked you up from the airport and for the next few days afterwards as you limped around on a bruised, ACE bandage wrapped foot.

But after too many wine drunk nights to count, he had enough stories to humiliate you with and the thought of any one of them being told now had you sinking further into the hospital bed.

"You could say that. Last time she.." His voice trails off at the sight of your eyes, wide as saucers, begging him to stop.

The nurse grins, her face kind and sympathetic to your silent cry for help.

"We're a little behind schedule this morning so it may be about 20 minutes before they come transport you, okay?" You nod, the effects of the sedative already working its way through your system, "Keep an eye on her? Make sure she behaves?"

"Yeah, I got her. We'll be fine, thank you so much." He's closer now, standing next to you again, a hand sliding up your arm to settle on your shoulder. You manage a thumbs up and a sleepy "thank you" as an affirmation that you appreciate all she's done for you.

"You're more than welcome. You'll have a different set of nurses in recovery but if you need anything until they come get you, just let me know, alright?"

"We will, thanks." His thumb ghosts across the front of your collarbone, the lightest of touches to soothe you, his eyes still focused on the nurse.

"Good luck! You're gonna do just fine, I promise."

The second she's around the curtain, Harry nudges you lightly, "Scoot."

"Huh? What do you mean..Harry, there's not enough room for you in this bed." Your head feels too light to deal with his nonsense now.

"Yeah there is if you scoot. C'mon. Hurry before we get caught. M’supposed to be keeping an eye on you, remember? Gotta make sure you don't fall outta the bed."

He's already wedged himself next to you, trying to make his tall frame fit into the limited space.

You move over as much as you can, the rail of the bed poking into your hip.

He tucks one arm behind your head, the other one thrown behind his own as a cushion.

"You feel more relaxed now, lovie?"

You scrunch down in the bed, just enough that you can tuck your head under his other arm, "A little. I don't feel sleepy enough though," Your eyes dart up, seeking the comfort of his face, "I'm scared, H."

"I know you are, baby," the hand behind your head shifts to cup around your arm, pulling you closer, "Just pretend you're home with me and we're taking a nice little nap together, yeah?"

"But you won't be there with me, not really."

"I'll be there when you wake up though. First thing you'll see when you open your eyes, promise." He runs a finger along the curve of your nose, "Close your eyes. Try to sleep, hmm?"

You shake your head, turning towards him to hide your face in his side, inhaling his scent.

"Want me to turn the light off? Would that help?"

"No," You toss the arm that isn't trapped between you two over him, holding tightly to his shirt, "Stay."

"Alright, then. We'll just wait," He tilts his head to rest closer to yours, "Have you thought about what you want to eat after?"

"Not really. M'too nervous to think about food."

"We'll think of something good. Whatever you want."

"You're gonna get us in trouble, better scoot back to your corner like a good boy." Your words come out unintentionally slurred and you weakly push yourself up and away from him as he slides off. He doesn't sit though, just stands near you, an anxious look flashing across his features.

"Hey, c'mere. Gonna be fine, routine surgery, remember?" You stretch your arms out to him, a plea to be near his warmth again.

He sits on the edge of the bed, facing you. You tug lightly at the sleeve of his cardigan, a feeble attempt to pull him closer. He indulges you, his brow still creased with distress.

"Know ya gonna be fine, just hate you have to go through it at all. Wish I could take it from you without all this." He gestures to the IV he knows you despise so much.

"You have helped take it from me. All the sleepless nights you spent up with me, holding my hair back when I got sick. All the days after when I was too drained to get out of bed. You were there for as much of it as you could be. And you pushed me to go see the surgeon in the first place. You've helped me more than you give yourself credit for."

His fingers intertwine in yours, the pad of his thumb soothing over the front of your hand.

"Make sure you keep my phone with you, my mom will probably call you every 30 minutes for updates." A yawn stretches across your face, "She has your number too, bullied me into giving it to her last week when I called to tell her about the surgery."

He nods, patting his pocket to make sure both phones are still nestled there together.

Another yawn threatens to escape and you muffle it this time, more content to fight sleep to stare at Harry; his hair a perfect mess of curls under the harsh brightness of the hospital lighting. His face is more relaxed now, his eyes still focused on your fingers tangled together. He catches you, your eyes glazed over, too heavy and threatening to close.

"Darling, please close your eyes. I can see how tired you are," His fingertips sweep delicately over your nose again, as if he was lulling a baby to sleep, "You don't have to stay awake for me."

"Closing my eyes for just a second, alright? Not because you told me to though. I want to. Wake me up in 2 hours, don't wanna sleep too long."

Your eyes are already drifting closed, the last thing you hear is a chuckle; effortless, light as air, "I will, promise."

Soft kisses pressed across your face, "Sweet dreams, love."

His voice is the first you hear as you wake up in the dimly lit recovery room. Well, really it was more like a big cubicle, another space with a curtain drawn in front of it. Even with the floaty, dreamy feeling flowing through your system, you can still detect the worry in his voice.

"Harry?" It takes your mind a minute to catch up and process where you are and what had happened.

Oh yeah. Surgery day. No more annoying gallbladder. No more sleepless nights. Freedom to eat what you want and not be haunted by nausea and sickness from what you ate.

"How are you feeling? Any pain?" Suddenly a nurse in bright blue scrubs is there, way too animated and loud at the moment, "Pain scale 1-10?"

"I don't have any pain. Zero." You're aware of how high you sound and a giggle escapes through the haze. That earns you a smile from Harry, one that lights up his whole face and makes his dimples shine through.

"Awesome! Well then as soon as you're good and awake we're gonna get this IV out and go over some paperwork for both of you to sign. I want you to drink something for me too, so what would you like?"

You request a ginger ale and as soon as the nurse leaves to retrieve it for you, Harry scoots the chair he's sitting in as close to the bed as possible.

"How long was I out?"

"Couple of hours," He absentmindedly fixes your hair, looping various curls back around to their respective places, "Took a little longer than expected, you had a small infection so they had to make sure it hadn't spread."

"How much longer?"

"Long enough you had us all slightly worried." His hand trails down your cheek to cup your chin gently, urging you to look at him, "You sure you're not in pain? Now's not the time to do that stubbornly brave thing you do where you pretend nothing's wrong."

"I feel fine, really. Just a little tired, ready to go home."

He studies your face, trying to find any trace of dishonesty. When he's satisfied you're being truthful, he stands and extracts your phone from his pocket.

"Already talked to ya mum, but your co-workers were all texting you, asking how you were. Figured you'd want to handle that yourself, didn't know how much detail you would want to give them."

"Did you give my mother all the details? Infection and everything?"

"Um, no. I knew better than to do that. Promised her you would call when I got you settled at home."

"You promised or she demanded?"

"Okay..she politely asked that you call her when we get home."

"That sounds more like her." You roll your eyes, pushing yourself so you're sitting more upright in the bed.

"She just worries about you." He adjusts the pillow behind you, fluffing and tucking it where you direct it, against your lower back.

"I know. I'll FaceTime her when we get home to prove I'm alive."

"It's been a while since we've seen them, maybe we should plan a visit?" He plops himself back in the chair, leaning back as far as he can go; hands behind his head, eyes closed. You'd both gotten very little sleep the night before, you were too anxious and he was too gracious to let you suffer alone.

"Oh please, I'm lucky I even got time off to do this. My boss would never allow another break so soon."

"Maybe for the holidays?"

"Maybe..but only if you can go with me, you know they love you more than me by now anyway."

"They do not," He peeks one eye open at you, "They love us both equally."

You shoot a quick text to your co-workers, using the group chat between the few of you to make it easier.

I'm out! Feeling okay for now but that might change later lol

The nurse is back, apologizing for taking so long, "We've been so behind all day, it's crazy busy. I had to wait for your doctor to sign off on your release." She hands you a can of ginger ale, white bendy straw already poised and ready for you.

"Just need you to sign here," She holds a clipboard and a pen out to you and you balance the can dangerously in one hand while you scribble something that resembles your signature. Close enough. She gestures for you to pass the clipboard to Harry, "His signature goes under yours, just says he's responsible for you for the next few hours until everything wears off."

"This means I'm the boss, right?" He leans over to grab the board, a wink thrown in your direction. He's enjoying himself way too much at the thought of being in control of you for the next few hours. Smug son of a bitch.

She takes the clipboard back and pulls off a yellow sheet of paper, "This is just your copy of what you signed, and also has post op instructions for your bandages. Your prescription's been sent to the pharmacy, and there's a brief summary of pain management information on the bottom there just in case you need it."

"Thank you." You transfer it right to Harry's waiting hand, knowing he'll be the one surveying every word, making sure you follow everything to the letter.

"I know you mentioned earlier having a little bit of a drive home, so probably once you get her some food and pick up her prescriptions, it'll be time for another round of meds. Okay?" She turns to you again, "I know it sounds silly, but one of the most important things after this particular surgery is lots of walking. Otherwise you'll be miserable. Rest for a while when you get home, then get up every 10 minutes or so until bedtime. Don't let her skip that part, alright? Very important."

"I heard you weren't a big fan of this thing," She nods towards the IV in your right forearm, "So this'll probably be the best part of this whole process for you. We'll get this out and then you can get changed and we'll get someone to wheel you down and out of here, alright? Don't look and you won't even know when it's gone."

"Hey, think about what you want to eat, huh? Your first freedom meal. Yay!" He slips his hand into your left, raising your connected hands victoriously. You didn't think it was possible for you to love him anymore until this moment. The way he could so easily erase your fear was one of his many gifts you adored him for, "What are we having, babe?"

You don't even hesitate before answering, "Pizza, from Milano's. It's my favorite, other than that one place in Italy you took me to. Please? Oh and one of their salads, with the little bread knots on the side!"

He glances at the nurse, awaiting a reprimand for your meal choice.

"As your nurse, I feel I should remind you that while you can have anything you feel like eating, we usually recommend something small and light at first. Broth or soup with some toast, maybe. The salad may be fine, but the pizza might be a little heavy. Taking it slow would be best. But everyone is different."

"So..just cheese then? Maybe some mushrooms?"

You let your head fall back against the pillow, a foggy haze settling over you, "Plain cheese, no mushrooms."

"Alright, sounds good. Why don't I go call it in and pull the car around? Meet you out front?" He leans closer, a quick peck to your cheek before pulling his hand loose from yours and turning to leave.

"Hey, wait," You attempt to tug at his wrist, but fail, your brain still set to slow-motion. He takes pity on you and returns to your side, "Let's eat there. It's in the mall so we can window shop after we eat."

"You sure? You still seem a bit tipsy, honey."

You don't feel tipsy. Just tired, and hungry. Very hungry. As if on cue, your stomach makes a remarkably loud noise; an objection at not being fed for the past 12 hours.

"Alright, alright, calm down. " You let out an embarrassed groan when you realize he's talking to your stomach, "We'll eat there."

He kisses you again, closer to your mouth, "Missed."

"I did, huh?" He chuckles, close enough to your face now your noses are almost touching, "Let's try again."

This time his lips meet yours and you know he missed on purpose the first time by how amused he looks when he pulls away.

"One more for luck?" You can't resist letting the back of your hand wander over his face, before resting the palm of your hand against his cheek.

"I think I can handle that," He smiles before landing another quick peck to your lips, "Be good for the nurse while I'm gone. I'll have the getaway car ready in 10, yeah?"

You're certain Harry would have fed you if you would have let him, right here in the mall food court in front of everyone. But you refuse, insisting even, on carrying your own tray to the table. He chuckles when you pull your phone out of your sweater pocket to take a picture of your food, quickly uploading it to Facebook.

He watches you closely as you take the first bite, even pulling his own phone out to sneak a photo of you when you temporarily close your eyes to appreciate the indulgence of being able to eat one of your favorite foods again; free from that anxious feeling of whether or not it would settle right with your body later. You open your eyes the very moment after he captured the image.

"Harry!"

"You just looked so happy! I couldn't help it. You know I'll never post it anyway. Snagged a few of you earlier in your little blue cap they made you wear too." He flips back through to show you. You try to snatch the phone away, but he's too quick to pull his hand back and stash his phone in his pocket.

"When??"

"After you fell asleep, right before they came to take you back."

He takes a bite from his own generous slice of pizza in front of him before gesturing to your tray, "How is it?"

"Amazing. Even better than before, if possible."

His smile is bright, loving the satisfaction of seeing you actually enjoy food again.

Your plan to walk around the mall was cut short, you could barely make it through one store without yawning. You cling to Harry most of the way back to the car, his arm securely wrapped around you to keep you steady.

You doze off on the drive home, and when your eyes flutter open you find him opening the passenger door, offering a hand to help lift you out of the car and up the stairs into the house. Your foot stumbles on the first step, failing to make contact and you almost fall back.

"Easy," He giggles, an arm thrown behind your back to catch you before encouraging softly, "Try again."

When he's confident you're stable enough on your feet, he lets go to unlock the door.

You're greeted by a bouquet of flowers, a colorful arrangement of roses and lilies from Harry's band mates. You immediately recognize Sarah's handwriting on the card and make a mental note to shoot everyone a thank you text later. You don't know if it's the medication still in your system, the exhaustion of the day, or the overwhelming amount of love that makes you teary eyed.

Harry stands behind you as you admire the flowers and the card, arms curving around to hug you, careful of the large bandage on your upper abdomen and the two smaller steri-strips on your right side.

"How did they know pink roses were my favorite?"

"They love you, peach." He rests his chin on your shoulder, "Besides, you've only mentioned growing up with a pink rose bush in your Nanna's garden about a hundred times."

"I always loved it. Still do."

Your mind travels back to your earliest memories spent there; summers when you practically lived at the small house on the hill. Helping pick tomatoes and peppers from the garden, too warm afternoons spent with a book in your lap under the shade of a peach tree, your grandfather's corny jokes and loving smile. Your Nanna's too generous portions of food contributing to the few extra curves you still carried with you to this day.

You don't even notice the tears at first. They slip down your cheeks and land on his arm. Once you realize, you try to quickly wipe them away, but Harry sees.

"Hey..c'mon, I think your high's wearing off a bit, bub. Pajamas, meds, nap. Sound good?" He turns you to face him, using the sleeve of his shirt to brush away any tears that still linger at the corner of your eyes.

"What time is it?"

"Almost 3..why?"

"No nap. I'll never sleep tonight, and you know how grumpy I get when my sleep schedule is thrown off." Even with your declaration of not wanting a nap, you can't help but rub your eyes, a weak attempt to keep yourself awake. Any resolve Harry had to try to convince you to nap melts away. A smirk on his face, he knows you'll eventually crash later, most likely on his chest or in his arms. He's content to let you be stubborn for now.

"Okay, then. New plan. Pajamas, meds, movie. Better?"

"Better. You get everything ready and pick the movie while I change?"

"You don't wanna pick the movie?"

You wave him off, already shuffling towards the bedroom, "You're the boss today, remember?"

You take your time gathering what you need to get cozy for the rest of the day, selecting an oversized, well-worn tie dye t-shirt and leggings from your dresser. You even take a moment to dip into Harry's extensive sweatshirt collection, grabbing your favorite one. It's amazingly soft and still smells of him, a faint scent of his cologne and well..just Harry. You couldn't imagine anything more comforting.

In your pursuit to feel more lucid, you venture into the bathroom, taking a moment to wash your face. The cool water instantly refreshes you and pushes you closer to feeling like yourself again. Wanting your hair out of your face, you pluck a scrunchy from your shared collection of hair accessories. You quickly recognize that your arms still have that too heavy feeling of unconsciousness and after a few attempts to gather your curls into some sort of up-do, you give up and loop the accessory around your wrist to try again later.

Harry senses your frustration when you find him in the kitchen, two small green pill bottles sitting on the counter in front of him. He's already filled your favorite cup with ice water, and you gratefully take it and drink from it.

"What's wrong?" His brow creases with concern and you feel guilty for making him worry over something so silly.

"Nothing..just wanted my hair up out of my face but my arms wouldn't cooperate." You try to laugh it off to put him more at ease, "It's not a big deal."

You know it's only the weariness of the day still making you feel so emotional, clear-headed you would not be upset over something so small.

"Here. Let me try." He slides the scrunchy from your wrist and pulls you closer to him, moving behind you to gently work long fingers through your hair, gathering it all in a loose ponytail on top of your head before securing it around a few times with the scrunchy.

You let your shoulders drop with a deep sigh when he's done, it was such a simple thing, but it made you feel so much lighter. He spins you around to face him, a charming gleam of pride at his handiwork adorning his face, "Too tight?"

"No. Much better. Thank you, Harry. You take such good care of me always, but today..I don't know what I would've done without you. I made such a big fuss and probably made you miserable with all of my worrying." You're suddenly very aware that you are rambling, but when you catch a glimpse of his face, his smile is wide. So bright that the skin around his eyes is crinkling.

He leans towards you, lips stopping whatever words may have come next, arms wrapping around you to pull you closer in a soft, warm embrace. When he pulls away, his eyes bore right into yours, and your heart swells with more love than you could ever imagine having for one person. But he wasn't just any person. He was your person, your whole word staring back at you.

"I'm SO proud of you. You've been so strong today, always knew you had that strength in you, but seeing you take that leap of faith..doing something you knew you should despite your fear, that's all you, love. I can't take any credit for that. You've made me anything but miserable, trust me."

His face is still close enough to yours that you nudge forward, pressing your forehead to his, a silent appreciation of his affection.

"Any pain yet?" He pulls back, a thumb across your cheek, eyes still locked on yours.

"My head kind of hurts? And I still just feel kind of..drunk."

"You have always been a bit of a lightweight, babe. And a thief too, I see. S'that my sweatshirt?"

"Have not!" You swat playfully at his arm, "Maybe. Is that my hair clip in your hair?"

"Possibly." His eyes dart up to the swoop of curls on top of his head, a black plastic clip twisting it back and away from his face.

"Guess we're even then."

"S'pose we are." He tries to keep his eyes narrowed in a mock attempt of annoyance, but it quickly fades into laughter.

You decide against FaceTiming your family, hoping that hearing your voice will be enough. It seems to satisfy them at least for the rest of the day. You assure them that Harry is taking very good care of you and that everything went as smooth as could be expected.

He raises one eyebrow at you as you hang up, "As smooth as expected, huh? You aren't going to tell them the truth?"

"What's to tell? I had an infection and now it's gone. I'm fine, there's no sense in worrying them. We can give them the full story later."

He shrugs, fingers working to open one of the green pill bottles before passing one of the white pills to you, "For your headache, lovie. There's something here for nausea too if you need it. M'worried the pizza might've been too much. Maybe you should take one of these..just in case?"

"Harry, I promise I will tell you if I feel anything other than fine." Your hand runs from his shoulder down his bicep, squeezing gently, "Besides, I cannot take a whole one of those. If you think I'm a lightweight now..I'll sleep for the whole week if I take that."

He slips the bottle in his pocket, pulling you in to press a kiss to the top of your head, "We'll keep it close just in case, okay?"

"Sounds good," Your hand trails back up to his neck to work fingers through his hair, "Hey, thought we were watching a movie? What'd you pick?"

"Thought we could decide together. C'mon, let's get you comfy in bed."

"Ever the gentleman, always trying to get me in your bed."

"Hey! I am a perfect gentleman, thank you very much," He chuckles, a hand coming to rest on the small of your back, "Just thought you'd be more comfortable, you can prop up and stretch your feet out."

You let him tug you along for the second time today, thankful it's the luxury of your shared bed you get to settle into this time. He tucks you in softly, propping pillows behind your back and head.

"Comfy? Need anything else?"

"No, just need you to quit babying me so much and relax with me for a bit."

"Since when am I not allowed to baby you?"

You roll your eyes, "Never said you weren't allowed. Just want you to stop worrying so much, that's all."

"Good. Cause y'are my baby," No matter how many times you'd heard him say it before, it never failed to make you blush, "Do anything for you, y'know that, right?"

"I know," You look down at your hands, trying to slow your racing heart, "You never let me forget."

"Hey," He pokes your cheek, pulling your gaze back up to him, "I love you."

"I love you more, H."

He kisses your forehead, "Impossible. I love you most."

The reference to one of your favorite movies has you smiling at him, that dreamy feeling falling over you again, "Can we watch Tangled?"

"Sure, princess."

He sinks next to you, head propped up on your shoulder, navigating easily through Disney+ to find your requested movie.

Your eyes drift closed right about the time the lanterns are being released in the sky, a moment that normally leaves your face wet with tears, the soft vibrations of Harry humming along the perfect lullaby to push you further into your dream.

He wakes you later in the evening.

"Dinner's on the table if you want to join me."

"Time's it?" Your voice is still heavy with sleep.

"7. You were sleeping so deeply I didn't want to wake you, thought your body could use the extra sleep today."

"Yeah. It was nice, thank you." You stretch your arms forward, reaching for his hands to help pull you up.

"How do you feel?"

"A little sore. More sober, for sure."

Dinner is simple; a bowl of plain broth, salad, and toast. Exactly what the nurse suggested earlier. There's even a warm mug of tea waiting for you.

"With honey for my honey," He's so proud of his cheesy expression of love you cannot help but smile.

You look at him curiously when he sits next to you, the same boring meal set out for himself.

"Harry..you can eat what you want, babe. Seriously you've done enough today, more than enough to be supportive. It wouldn't hurt my feelings if you made yourself something different."

"Nah. S'fine. We're in this together, yeah?"

You raise your eyebrows at him playfully, "Did you have an organ snatched from your body today?"

"No, I didn't." He laughs, "I just meant food wise, love. It's vegetable broth, by the way, hope that's alright."

"It's perfect."

You nudge him lightly, an elbow to his side, shifting closer to ask for a kiss. He meets you the rest of the way, lips planted firmly on yours. When you don't pull away, he quickly adds another.

After dinner is done and you have another round of meds, the two of you end up in an awkward ball of cuddles on the couch. Harry flips through the channels on the tv before finding a show you both agree on.

But you're too restless, unable to find a position comfortable enough for you. You shift a few times, finally giving up and letting out a frustrated groan before tossing the blanket off the both of you and springing up and off the couch.

Harry doesn't panic, just grabs your hand before you can get too far away or lose your balance, keeping his voice low when he asks, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing hurts. I just can't get comfortable, and I don't feel right."

"What doesn't feel right, angel? Explain."

"I don't feel like myself. I don't know how to explain it. Just feel off."

He sees you're on the verge of tears and ascends from his spot on the couch, arms quickly enveloping you before placing a finger under your chin to pull your face up to look at him.

"It's probably gonna take a day or so to adjust, baby. Yes it was a minor surgery but it was a major change to your body." He's bending now to look right into your eyes, searching them, "How can we fix it tonight, hmm? What do you need?"

Tears are free flowing, falling on the front of your t-shirt and down to the floor.

"Take your time. Breathe." A large hand smoothing warm circles firmly across your back; a balm for your restless spirit.

You pause, deep breath in before slowly letting it out, "I think I just need to move around for a bit."

"Let's go for a walk, eh? A quick one and then back to bed. Your mind needs more rest. How's that sound?" He taps your forehead softly.

"Okay, yeah." You nod your head, an approval of his plan.

"Don't worry about it, okay? Everything's gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine."

You nod again, scared your voice will break if you try to speak. He knew that those words held a lot of weight for you, he'd repeated them often throughout this whole process and to hear them now was a reminder of how safe you were. That with him, you would always be safe and loved.

Being dark outside meant you gracelessly padding through the house, up and down the hallway a few times and back to the living room. Harry stays close, encouraging you along with little claps and kisses to motivate you. When your stomach starts to feel uneasy, he urges you once again to take something for nausea. You agree to take a half a pill, knowing it'll help you sleep.

Despite the nap you had earlier and only being awake for a couple of hours, it doesn't take much convincing for you to settle back into bed.

"Harry?"

"Hmm?"

He's already reclined next to you, book in hand, the soft light from the lamp illuminating one side of his face. You're smushed against him, drifting between that sweet space of almost asleep and wanting to stay awake to enjoy any spare moment you get with him. His hand working through your hair helps push you towards the former of the two.

"I'm sorry to be such a burden today," Your words are slurring together but you continue on, just needing to get your thoughts out before he can stop you, "I don't deserve you and I shouldn't have overreacted so much about something so simple."

"Hey, none of that now," He lays the book on the nightstand, careful to save his place for later before pulling you closer to him, "You were not, nor have you ever been a burden to me. Just because you needed a little extra help today does not mean you aren't deserving of me or my love. You will never have to earn that. It's yours, always has been, will be as long as you decide to keep me around."

"Thank you. For all of it. I'll always want you."

"Always? Y'might change your mind someday, angel."

"I won't. Promise."

"Yeah? Me either."

A kiss laid delicately to the top of your head has your eyes dangerously close to falling shut again before another thought navigates its way through your mind and out of your mouth before you can stop it.

"H..what am I gonna do with a full week off from work?"

"Let me take care of you?"

And that's exactly what he does.

Mornings spent sleeping in, late breakfasts made together and afternoon walks. Evenings consisting of the two of you preparing dinner together or ordering takeout from some of the forbidden places you couldn't eat from before. Mugs of herbal tea before early bedtimes, you sweetly falling asleep to the sound of his voice reading to you most nights.

But his favorite part was that the scent of lavender was no longer cursed for you. Some nights before your surgery, when you simply could not fall asleep the pain was so unbearable, you would fill the tub with hot water and lavender scented bubbles to try to calm yourself enough to be able to drift off afterwards. It never worked, the heat always doing more harm than good. Harry would always be waiting for you, open arms and a soft towel to wrap you in.

So the smell became one you hated, memories of sleepless nights and nausea. But now you were free to use it again for what you always loved it for before it was cursed. In your body wash, lotion, even your laundry detergent; spreading the scent all over your shared space in as many ways as you could.

He even mentions it one night after dinner, when the two of you are pressed impossibly close together on the couch. His nose buried into your neck, inhaling deeply, pulling away to announce, "You smell like you again, love. Missed it so much." He burrows back in, placing kisses from your neck to your shoulder, ignoring your giggles and protests of how much it tickles.

A week later, the alarm wakes you sooner than you've become accustomed to, reminding you of your return to work. Harry's arm thrown over your waist pulls you closer as you try to leave the bed, a sleepy "Don't go." mumbled in your ear.

You do your best to peel yourself away from him, admitting silently to yourself how much harder it is for you to leave the warmth of your bed as it is for him to let you go.

2 years later, you have a scar you swear didn't heal right, and a man who loves you even more because of it.

#harry styles imagine #harry x reader #my writing #so happy this is finally done and being posted!#soooooo many times I almost just deleted it bc I didn't know how to feel about it #but anyway hope y'all enjoy!

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puppy-phum · 4 years

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pingxie thoughts (and prayers) pt. 3

hello friends and pals and random peepers! it’s been a while again, mostly bc i’ve ended up binging way too many other dramas instead of rewatching ultimate note. but now i’ve watched three more episodes and finally got to one of the scenes that actually made me start this whole damn thing! so please enjoy (or suffer, your pick)!

and ah, as a side note: am very grateful that they have removed the chinese subs from the episodes! expect a ton of new edits from me in the future ^^

Xiaoge and the meaning of food

This is a random tiny detail I’ve paid attention to bc of some personal stuff am not going to talk about. It’s just very interesting to watch Xiaoge doing normal, mundane things when he’s been so strictly honed into being something infinitely more. You don’t always come to think about the great Zhang Qiling and his relationship with something as natural as eating.

(placing under cut once again bc this got longer than expected!)

I am especially paying attention to two scenes in this (with a third one on the side as an extra): the moment in episode 9 where Xiaoge finds the extra food Wu Xie left for him, and then the scene in episode 11 where they have survived the night with the snake invasion. As an extra, I also consider the beginning scene of episode 11 where Xiaoge returns and Wu Xie very petulantly offers him the asked food. On all occasions there are some heavy meanings placed on food (and sharing it?), and as someone who always wonders about Xiaoge’s relationship with his own body, I came up with a couple of interesting thoughts.

First of all, I think the whole fandom knows and agrees on Xiaoge being very… dissociative when it comes to his own body. He has been brought up via pain and fighting, he has learned to trust in his own blood as a weapon, has become overly aware of his body’s every function bc he always has to know his condition, and while doing that, he has forgotten how his body feels. He has forgotten how it feels to want to be touched or his boundaries being respected, and bc of this, he has learned to treat his own body as an instrument for survival instead of something to be taken care of or valued.

And here, in walks Wu Xie. Young and naive and very, very physically affectionate Wu Xie (and Pangzi, let’s not forget our resident cuddler). You can see it in TLT1 and 2 when Wu Xie just keeps getting close to ppl and giving shoulder pats to everyone and having no issues with any of that. We see it in Ultimate Note when Wu Xie lets ppl to just cuddle him in his sleep (I keep saying he’s everyone’s chosen body pillow for a reason). The same thing continues in Reboot where we get possibly the cuddliest Wu Xie to date. But that’s not really the point here. The point is – Xiaoge doesn’t have boundaries. No one has ever allowed him to have those. For him, physical touch is mostly violent. No one really treats him as a friend and then we have Wu Xie.

But this post is not about physical touch bc at this point, that is pretty much established. Pingxie are very comfortable with touching each other (for as long as censorship is fine with it too) tho they don’t touch as often or as excessively as Wu Xie and Pangzi for example. For them it’s small bc Wu Xie knows that Xiaoge has never been allowed his boundaries (and especially in Ultimate Note he comes very aware of this after we learn about Ah Kun) and he doesn’t want to force Xiaoge into anything as long as he doesn’t know what he wants. So, physical touch aside, what else are we left with? Xiaoge taking care of himself. And more specifically: eating (bc Xiaoge’s blood obsession is another topic, and I guess we all are aware of his (and Wu Xie’s) issues with that and Xiaoge getting hurt in general).

So, in episode 9 we see this brief moment after Xiaoge has chased after the mud man (his acquaintance, Chen Wenjin) and Wu Xie and the others have inevitably moved on without him, where Xiaoge returns alone to their previous camp. He discovers his backpack and Wu Xie’s note which says: “Xiaoge, we’re off to look for Sanshu. The rainforest is dangerous. Be careful.”. Before reading the note, he’s gone through the supplies left for him. Chen Wenjin points out that there is extra food, and Xiaoge tells her instantly that Wu Xie left it for him. It is implied that it’s an occurring theme in their relationship: Wu Xie leaving Xiaoge some extra food.

From what I know of Asian cultures in general, sharing food, eating together, and making sure that your loved ones have eaten is a big thing. It’s not even limited to proper meals, continuing to simple things like snacks and drinks too. But then we put in the aspect of survival and food being a slowly dwindling resource. Here, Wu Xie has deliberately decided that Xiaoge needs this food more than he himself does. He has, in some sense, decided to go hungry in favor of Xiaoge. It’s like him saying, “Here, take this from mine. Because I know you get hungry too. Because I know you are human in that way too even if you tell me you’re fine.”

In relation to this, I wanted to bring in the “extra” scene I chose, the scene we see in the beginning of episode 11 (which is also probably all of our favorite silly Pingxie scene, right? At least I get a stupid smile on my face every time). In that, Wu Xie is following suspicious footprints to one of the tents. He is expecting a fight (Boy has a damn shovel! He’s ready to whoop ass!) and rushes in – only to find (a very muddy) Xiaoge looking for what other than food. Apparently, his stock has run dry. His only words to a furious Wu Xie are, “Food.” I don’t even blame Wu Xie for instantly melting at that, it’s so sincere.

I think about this scene a lot (for other things than Wu Xie’s adorable crumbled face as he shakes his tiny fists in fury). I wonder, how often does Xiaoge ask for food like this? Bc I somehow can’t believe that it’s often, knowing who he is. Maybe it’s a distraction technique against Wu Xie bc he knows that Wu Xie is worried about him, and what better way to make Wu Xie think about other things than to look miserable while attempting to get food? It’s working perfectly imo. Tho Wu Xie is still asking about things and Xiaoge refuses to answer bc well, he can’t stop Wu Xie from asking. But it’s somehow so funny to me that Xiaoge’s go to tactic for making amends is allowing Wu Xie to take care of him in this very simple and mundane way.

Then finally to the scene I based all of this around. This is a scene at the end-ish of episode 11 where the day has come again after their hellish night of fighting against snakes. Pingxie have crawled out of their shared and collapsed tent to see the mostly destroyed camp. They are eating porridge. Or Wu Xie is eating it bc here’s the deal: Xiaoge isn’t eating at all.

I dunno why on my first watch of Ultimate Note, this was the scene that totally broke me. I didn’t cry before this bc everything managed to be so light with all the humor but then I saw them sitting here and it just opened up a faucet. The moment Panzi asks if Xiaoge is alright (boy was poisoned during the night and Pangzi didn’t even know if Wu Xie succeeded at getting the serum to him, gosh the stress) and Xiaoge doesn’t really answer and then Wu Xie reaches out to squeeze his shoulder like he’s making sure – yeah. That was a lot to take in. Bc then Wu Xie says, “Have some porridge.” And Xiaoge nods and proceeds not to touch his plate.

What I gathered from my thoughts – once I was done sobbing that time and now, after watching this again – is that I’m not sure how often Xiaoge has forgotten to eat. He is going through stuff basically every day. He goes to places where eating isn’t always an option or even a possibility. He has learned to survive, yes, and he knows that food is a necessity for that but how often has he convinced himself that he doesn’t need that either? How often has he just not eaten, especially if there are others around? I must say that I think it’s quite often.

Because, think about it: even here, with his friends, after one hell of a night, he sits with a plate in his hands and doesn’t even touch the porridge on it. He acknowledges that he has food at all only after Wu Xie has told him to eat. Wu Xie looks so worried while saying that (and his shoulder squeeze before this seems like he’s noticing how skinny Xiaoge is). And I don’t really know how to put this into words but I just feel like Xiaoge needs guiding with his eating habits? He has eaten whatever or nothing at all for so long that it just. Isn’t a habit anymore. Food feels foreign to him. Enjoying food feels even more foreign. Regarding food as something he, too, needs, instead of allowing others to take it as they are more human than he is – that’s something he needs to learn again. And I dunno how it’s going but Wu Xie and Pangzi are doing their utmost best.

So, yeah. Food is a weird thing. I dunno how any of this really came out but my point is: Xiaoge has disconnected from his own body in so many ways and so deeply that even these basic human things sometimes feel foreign to him. And only in relation to Wu Xie (and Pangzi), he’s finally recognizing that. That is probably also why they work so well, why Wu Xie becomes so important to him. Why Wu Xie, as someone who tries to bring out Xiaoge’s humanity, works so well bc he’s so thorough in showing that. His attempts at convincing Xiaoge of him being human don’t stop at him trying to show that Xiaoge is a good man but go deeper, into these very basic, instinctual things like touch and rest and eating which Xiaoge has also forgotten bc he’s not been allowed to be.

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makerkenobi · 4 years

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this can’t happen obi wan x reader

a/n: yay!! first post on this blog!! this will probably have a part 2 bc it needs one! my inbox is open for requests- welcome everyone! i’m so excited to be here! ignore typos i didn’t proofread

join my taglist!

warnings: cussing, battle scene, grief, lots of angst, reference to passing out, i’m not sure what else- if i missed anything please let me know

word count: 2421

Being a Jedi was quite difficult, actually. You were constantly going on missions, and never had time to make connections with the people around you. You traveled planet to planet, but you could never take time to appreciate the beauty. You had a mission on each and every one, and you knew you would never be able to settle down somewhere for the rest of your life. You were okay with this though, you were prepared to commit your entire life to being a Jedi, this is who you are. You understood why Jedi’s are not allowed to form attachments, because nothing is certain for them. Correction, nothing is certain for you. You often forgot your role as a Jedi, you have been training your whole life, and yet sometimes you would forget; this is your reality.

You loved being a Jedi, or maybe you hated it- just a little bit. Your whole life was spent training to protect others, and not grow attached to others. Your identity was based on this fact, that you could love, but not too much. You could be friends, but nothing more. Maybe this was selfish of you, but you couldn’t really agree with this part of being a Jedi. You did your very best to not form an attachment, to not fall in love with him, but your efforts were in vain.

“Master Y/L/N, what do we have here?” Obi Wan asked as you attempted to mediate in the Jedi temple.

“Master Kenobi, I’m sure you know better than to disturb a Jedi while they’re mediating,” You replied, opening your eyes to look at him.

“I am aware of that, y/n,” He paused. “However, I sensed you weren’t actually mediating. Do you want to discuss why that is?”

He put his arm out to you, and you placed your hand into it as he helped you up from the ground. You tried to wipe off the creases that were made from sitting in your cross-legged position.

“I have a lot on my mind,” You whispered. “I can’t seem to focus on anything.”

Obi Wan nodded his head in understanding as the two of you walked out of the room, and down the hallways of the temple.

“Perhaps we should discuss what in particular you have on your mind?” He prompted. “May I?”

He was of course referring to using the force to reach out to you, to read your thoughts.

“Another time, Master,” You responded rather quickly. “I have to prepare for a mission.”

Obi Wan nodded, you knew he sensed your hesitation, yet never questioned it. You started to walk away from him, heading towards your room to prepare before you heard him call out.

“Y/N,” His voice gentle. “May the force be with you.”

You gave him a smile, and nodded your head before walking to your room. When you entered, your room was dark and quiet. You sat down on the couch, taking a breath to prepare yourself for what you were about to walk into. Your heart was aching, a cloud of sadness followed you wherever you went these days. Maybe it was the weather, you thought. That’s what’s making you so blue right now. Only, it wasn’t the weather- it never is.

You changed into your uniform, clipping the belt on, and adding your lightsaber to it. You did a couple jumps to make sure your belt would stay, you even whipped out your lightsaber and practiced moving it back and forth to get your head back to what really mattered; the mission.

You made your way to the transport dock, conversing with the other clones coming with you. You were leading the mission, everyone was counting on you to call the shots during this. You were concerned, this mission was particularly difficult. You were providing aid to an air attack happening in the outer rim of the galaxy, Anakin was already there but requested assistance.

The fact that Anakin was requesting more people did concern you, because he was never the best at deciding when to call off an attack. So, you really had no idea what you were walking into.

You walked into the ship, getting seated down next to the pilot as the clones went onto the other ship, and prepared for take off.

“You didn’t think you’d be going alone, little one?” A familiar voice called out from behind you.

You smiled, shaking your head as you turned around to be met with Obi Wan’s piercing blue eyes.

“Should I be worried that the council is sending you, Master Kenobi?” You questioned. You hoped you didn’t do anything to make them doubt your abilities to lead a mission.

“Actually, y/n, the council isn’t sending me,” He admitted. He sat down beside you, strapping himself in while talking. “I decided to come on my own.”

“Had nothing else going on?” You joked. He let out a small laugh, then stroked his beard while he looked over at you.

“I needed to see Anakin’s shenanigans for myself,” He responded, half joking. Obi Wan had discussed his concerns over Anakin’s recklessness with you on more than one occasion, and you agreed with him every time. Anakin was reckless, but an excellent Jedi.

You filled Obi Wan in as the ships made their way to the location of the attack. Anakin was facing a separatists ship with only a few star fighters. Anakin had requested you and your clones’s presence for reinforcement, but you weren’t sure if this would end in contributing to the battle, or convincing Anakin to leave.

“You okay?” Obi Wan whispered in your ear. You looked up at him, and nodded.

“Yeah,” You responded. “Just thinking about the mission.”

“You’re worried,” He pointed out. You were about to answer “yes” but you were interrupted by seeing the battle in front of your eyes.

You immediately unbuckled yourself, and started talking to the clones through the comm link, discussing plans on how to help. You ordered the clones to use the clone Z-95 star fighters that were aboard their ship.

You felt useless, you essentially were only here to overlook the battle, and help the clones with where and how to attack. Obi Wan being there made it a little less stressful, he could help you during the attack.

“Finally!” Anakin yelled over the comm link. “What took you so long, y/n?”

You rolled your eyes before you spoke, “We came as fast as possible, Anakin. The clones are coming towards you right now.”

Obi Wan shook his head, then went back to stroking his beard. He was deep in thought.

“Anakin,” He spoke. “Be smart about this, know your limits.”

“Master Kenobi!” He yelled. “What are you doing here? Master Y/L/N, you are a traitor for this!”

You and Obi Wan laughed while watching the clones head towards Anakin to help him. You had hoped to get on to the Separatist’s ship yourself, and take it down from the inside, but you were now realizing that idea was not going to work. Your eyes widened as you started to watch your clone’s ships get blasted by the Separatist ship.

“I don’t know about this, Obi,” You let out. You were shaking your head, thinking of what to do next. He looked at you with great concern, he was realizing this attack was getting out of hand as well. The Separatist ship started releasing fighters as well, and they just kept growing in numbers.

“I’m calling it,” You announced, and Obi Wan nodded his head in agreement. You voiced your concerns to the clones over the comm link, begging for them to retreat.

“What? No! We can get them!” Anakin yelled back. “Don’t retreat!”

“Anakin, please!” Obi Wan screamed. Your eyes widened, as his voice was right next to your ears. You had never seen him this angry before.

“Yes, Master,” Anakin groaned, and began to retreat.

“With all due respect, Master Y/L/N, we’re not going to retreat,” Rex said over the intercom. You slammed your hand on the empty space of the control center.

“And why the hell not?” You yelled back.

“We can take them,” He replied.

“No, you can’t, Rex” You shot back. “Please come back.”

There was silence, and you looked at Obi Wan, his face just as concerned as yours. You let out a sigh, and ran your fingers through your hair. He put his hand on your shoulder, his eyes gently catching yours. You placed your hand on top of his own, acknowledging his effort to comfort you. Anakin had reached the other ship, retiring his star fighter for the night. You and Obi Wan stood next to each other as you watched the battle unfold in front of you.

There was a lot of shooting, and you were glad Obi Wan was beside you as you stood there in such a helpless position.

You felt it before it even happened, the force was calling out to you, warning you. One of the Separatist fighters had hit Rex’s fighter, and you screamed in agony. You saw his ship go down, and you cried out after him. You fell to your knees, one of your best men had just fallen. Everything was such a blur, but you think you remember Obi Wan yelling for the rest of the clones to retreat now.

He picked you up off the ground as sobs consumed your entire body. He took you to the med bay in the ship, sitting on the bed as he continued to hold you. Get it together, you thought. You needed to be stronger than this, your men needed you.

“It’s okay, y/n,” Obi Wan reassured. “It’s okay, Anakin’s got your men. Don’t worry.”

You nodded as you started to collect yourself, and brought yourself off of Obi Wan. You sat next to him, your head in your hands as he placed a hand on your back, rubbing it gently. You sat up to look at him, his blue eyes sparkled in the light of the room. You sniffled, then placed a hand on his cheek. His beard felt rough against your calloused hands. You couldn’t look away, you couldn’t even take your hand off of his face.

“What are you doing?” He questioned while putting his hand over your own, and brought it off of your face.

“I’m sorry,” You whispered. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Attachments are strictly forbidden,” Obi Wan said sternly. He stood up, leaving you on the bed alone.

“I know,” You agreed, nodding your head. You looked at him as he stood in front of you. He looked confused, like he was processing what had just happened.

“What were you thinking?” He ordered you to answer as he ran his hand through his hair.

“I wasn’t,” You responded. You shook your head, then looked down. You couldn’t stand looking at him, how disappointed he was with you.

“You’re smarter than that, Y/N,” Obi Wan continued. “I’m quite shocked at your actions.”

“Master Kenobi, it was just a hand on your cheek,” You defended yourself. “Nothing happened.”

You looked back up at him, and he shook his head. You could feel tears start to swell as you have started to realize he does not feel the same way. He doesn’t think about what it would be like to kiss you when he’s trying to fall asleep, the way you do with him. His heart doesn’t ache every time you are apart, like your heart aches. You were realizing this, and you couldn’t dare be in this room anymore. You just lost your best Commander in a battle you didn’t want to be apart of, and now you’re about to lose your best friend.

You stood up, not saying a word as you walked towards the door. Your hands at your side, you tried not to look back to see Obi Wan one last time. You were certain he was going to turn you over to the council, and you couldn’t bare the thought of that. Before you could reach the door though, his hand wrapped around your arm, pulling you back.

You spun around to face him, your lips only inches apart. You felt his breath on your face, he was breathing so heavy. Your eyes widened in shock, looking down at the hand around your arm then back at his eyes. He stared at you, as if he was contemplating his next move. You went to open your mouth to say something, but he stopped you.

“Not another word from you,” He demanded.

You nodded your head, and he dropped his hand from your arm. Your bodies were so close, you were almost touching him. One small step, and you were his. You inhaled sharply as his hand met with your lower back, his actions startling you. Your hands were still at your side, you couldn’t decipher what his next move would be.

Obi Wan parted his mouth open, as if he was going to say something, but didn’t. The hand that was on your back pushed you gently, so your bodies were touching. You were on fire, the anticipation was killing you. Your stomach filled with butterflies, his beard gently scraping your face. You couldn’t take it anymore, you threw your hands on his neck.

He placed his other hand on your jaw, and pulled you into him. His mouth tasted like salt and mint. Your lips moved together in sync, as if you’ve done this a hundred times. His beard scratched against your skin, and you loved it. The two of you stood in this room, kissing just as you had imagined it. Your lips tangled with one another as the passion and lust encapsulated the entire room. You were aching for more an-

He pulled away from you, putting his forehead on yours and breathing heavy.

“That can’t happen again,” He let out, then walked out of the room, leaving you all alone. You brought your hand to your mouth, and your eyes searched the room for answers. You turned around to look at the door he just walked out of, then put your hand on the wall beside you as you felt dizziness rush over you. You then leaned your entire body on the wall, and your legs gave out beneath you. The last thing you remember was calling out for Obi Wan, then the room went black.

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hesther-mcg · 4 years

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chained

➥ pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader

➥ summary: the one where two people are chained to one another, hopelessly in love but every bit of wrong for one another

➥ rating: angst, song fic, biker!bucky au

➥ warnings: explicit language, mentions of toxic relationship

➥ a/n: happy valentines day! in the name of irony i’m going to post this today, bc i can. this has been rattling around in my noggin for a bit now and i actually rlly like this. i hope u do too. i highly recommend listening to the song while reading, its also available on spotify.

chained :: elle king ft. cameron neal chained marvel m. list

We can run away, but we can’t hide for long

And all that lingers harms us

She’d tried it—moving houses, running away from the problems she was used to, changing things. She’d already tried it, and it had worked beautifully at first. The high of being in a new place, a place all to themselves, it was wonderful. And it had brought out the man she had started to believe was gone, the man she’d loved for so many suns and so many moons; years of her life having been spent growing alongside him, and she felt nothing short of complete satisfaction.

“Thanks for running away with me,” she’d whispered to him in the late hours of the night, head rested on his bare chest and his calloused hand running up and down over the delicate skin of her back.

“I’ll go wherever you want me to, babe,” was his promise, spoken softly into the dark with a tenderness reserved for her heart and ears only.

But all good things came to an end, and her life had brought truth to that statement. Things settled, routines came back and everything that lingered became visible. The issues that remained, the unspoken anger and unresolved conflicts rearing their ugly heads once again. She’d tried to pack up her life and her love and run away, but she was learning that she couldn’t hide for long.

I can lie to you, but the truth comes alive

Every time I die saying goodbye

Everything was a slow progression, the honeymoon phase wearing off slowly but surely; the conflicts creeping in where they weren’t welcomed. Again, everything was fine at first, they seemed to move as a team and it filled her heart with a warmth almost indescribable—they were so much of the same mind, in her eyes.

But then things drifted off course, the scales tipped in every which way except balanced—right where she wanted, and irritation grew to be the default when she saw his hands reach for the motorcycle keys. Betrayal became the default when she looked away from him and nodded her head, giving a flat and unconvincing ‘I’m okay,’ or ‘have fun.’ Hurt became the default when she bit her tongue until her mouth filled with the taste of crimson copper and her sobs shook her entire body, the sound of a roaring motorcycle engine filling the house.

She could lie, but he always knew. They had their problems, they battled through their conflicts, but they were still positive and negative forces magnetically pulling the other closer, two links in a chain stuck together for eternity.

Cause I don’t want to change

but I can’t stay this way

Love was a lot of things; sometimes she thought of it as something warm and familiar and safe, and other times she was convinced it was the chain that kept her around. She loved him, god damnit did she love James Barnes, but she knew that she was nearing her limit. Her heart could only take so much before she’d lose herself completely, and then she was done for beyond that point. Forever damaged; irreparable.

When Y/N thought about a life where she was on her own, miles upon miles away from the man she only wanted love and comfort from, her chest felt similar to how she imagined a sinkhole made the earth feel. The memories they shared, the laughs and the cries and the endless fun, it would forever haunt her if she were to leave—but one could argue that they already haunted her, already plagued her thoughts and dreams and every second she was breathing.

“What do you want?!” He’d screamed when she’d brought up her concerns, arms raised in the air and brows furrowed.

“Things can’t stay this way, James,” she’d stressed, fingers knotting her hair as they frantically ran through the strands.

And I don’t even mind staying chained, and thinking of you

Thinking of you

“What if I don’t wanna change?”

The breath had caught in her throat at his words, heart sinking to the pits of her stomach as her teary eyes bore into his, his figure blurry but radiating frustration.

“Then I’ll leave,” she threatened, the words burning her mouth as she spoke them. “I love you but I won’t let that stop me.”

But she always did—when he crawled into bed with slow movements and gentle hands, words soft, sweet, and oh so guilty. Apologies and false promises, admissions of love and sweet nothings, it mended her heart for the time being and she remained in the same place.

Is it up to me?

It’s always been up to you to find the peace we needed to

Strength had been dwindling, strength to fight for a relationship immersed in chaos. When things blew up, when the road grew rocky and dangerous and sometimes even lethal, it’d always been her to struggle putting the pieces back together. His words of affirmation and endless charm was the glue that only temporarily mended the cracks, but it was her will and her strive that got them there in the end.

Strength was dwindling, and she was starting to give up. “It’s always been up to me, James,” she’d told him, voice quiet, scratchy, and broken. “It’s always been me, but it’s on you now.”

He hadn’t responded, lips slightly parted as he took in the way that she didn’t even bother looking at him. He knew he’d been digging a grave, and he was starting to see that eventually he’d have to lie in it if he didn’t straighten up. The problems in their lives, in both him and her, they were deeply rooted and while she’d been trying to hack away at them, he’d only been watering them.

Is it said and done, is it carved in the stone?

How many days is it gonna take ‘til we get back home?

Most days, he did nothing but convince her that their fate was sealed—that their ultimate demise on the horizon and refused to move for anything. She’d tried and tried to tell herself that that wasn’t the truth, exalted all resources willing into existence the fact that they were meant to be—stuck together for the trials and tribulations that life undoubtedly bring them.

Things could change, and perhaps they would; nothing was said and done for them because only Y/N could write her story and only she could choose her ending.

But the harder she held on, the longer the path seemed to be. If what they had was a journey through struggle and strife, then the journey seemed years and years long—an endless battle to just make it through the days to even see the end of the road, and it more often than not left her wondering how long it would take before they would make it back home. How long would it be before they returned to where they started—sickeningly sweet, head over heels in love and willing to do anything under the sun for one another.

Cause I don’t want to change

But I can’t stay this way

If this was what growth was, then she wished someone had told her of how painful it was. It felt like scratchy throats from screaming matches, aching chests from nights spent clawing away at the burning skin, and so many more things that weren’t even worth listing. The point of it was that she was finally reaching the point where the door was opening, creaking slowly and revealing the outside world where she could escape.

Y/N didn’t want to escape, but she was starting to see that maybe it was what she needed to do. At one point she had loved her life because he had made the sun shine brighter every day and the stars twinkle a little more each night, and while she longed for that version of James he was not anywhere in sight—and hadn’t been for a long time.

She knew she couldn’t stay this way, she knew it and felt like a complete idiot every time she saw her own reflection, but, much like the aforementioned growth, this change was just as painful. And pain was something she’d felt enough of.

And I don’t even mind staying chained, and thinking of you

Thinking of you

The doors had all been slammed, every single one had the unfortunate fate of being in the path of an angry James, and a few of them hadn’t survived and refused to close completely.

“Why do you want to leave so bad, huh? If you don’t wanna be here then just fucking leave!” The emotional torment was clear as day in his voice as he screamed to the top of his lungs, and it tore her heart to shreds.

“You know damn well why!” She’d shouted back, face beet red as her chest violently heaved. “I don’t fucking deserve this, Buck, and I’m sick and tired of it!” Her nerves buzzed under the surface of her skin and she could feel her pulse in her face, and the man before her only stared back with dark eyes.

“You won’t change,” she’d sobbed. “You won’t and you know it, and if you loved me you would.”

“Y/N—” he’d started, taking a step forward but she’d held her hands out, pushing herself against the wall to get further away.

“No.” Her words were shaky yet void of fear; actually, James could hear the grit that she’d developed after dealing with his shit for so long and he felt his chest cave in slightly. “You stay there and you listen to me.”

Will you wake me up? Will you shake me up?

Cause I’m losing my way in the game

The cracks and creases on her heart deepened greatly, and when they did so she felt every bit of it. The way his eyes bore into hers, as if he was searching her soul like he’d done so many times before, made her look away—for this time she couldn’t trust him to search with good intentions.

“I’ve tried for a long time to make this work, and you can’t tell me you don’t see it. You’re not stupid, James; don’t pretend to be.” She’d shook her head with her last statement, hair going every which way and tears almost filled his eyes because she was right. “But it wont work if something doesn’t give and I’ve given enough!”

He nodded lamely, because that’s all he could think to do. He knew she didn’t want his words, they didn’t matter right now.

“Are you even serious about this? About us? You know this isn’t a joke, this is MY life! It goes way beyond just you and your issues and your anger,” her arms waved around in the air. “James, I’m losing myself in this and you’re supposed to save me!”

The tears did fill his eyes then, stinging the blue orbs and causing him to blink rapidly. He felt like shit, and every bone in his body ached with guilt.

Even at our best, my love

Neither one of us was ever really good enough

The realization that some things truly weren’t meant to be, that some people really weren’t meant to be together, was a tough pill to swallow. Y/N felt herself choke on it multiple times throughout the years, but it was finally down and done with. She couldn’t say if they were never meant to meet, or just never meant to stay together, but either way she knew that they were a recipe for disaster.

Her chemicals and his mixed together didn’t make the love that lasted a lifetime, the kind that made it through the dark and the light of the rocky road through life. They made poison, a stunning and paralyzing formula of toxic traits and deep rooted issues. They weren’t a match; even at their best they were never compatible—just too blind and in love to see it.

“I don’t know why I can’t change, and I will always stay this way,” she sang softly, her heartbreak shining through under the bright lights of the stage in a bar miles and miles away from the man she loved. The band behind her kept up well, putting the raw emotion behind every beat and note that this song required, and for that she was grateful. It was a slight break in the constant dull that she felt, a break that she was beginning to believe she wouldn’t see in her lifetime.

“And I don’t even mind staying chained,” the drawl in her voice was nothing short of old soul and broken dreams, and it wouldn’t have fit in anywhere other than the rundown bar filled with folks of a similar kind. She’d worn heartache daily long before she walked away from that house, but now it never seemed to wipe off. It was never ending, and so was the thought of him. She truly was chained to him, and sometimes in the middle of tear filled nights she told herself that he was still chained to her as well. “And thinking of you.”

Thinking of you, thinking of you, thinking of you.

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