#I’m still not super sure about myself and my identity

[mossy-enigma]

Jumpscared by this guy I didn’t come out to calling me by my preferred name-

[nyancrimew]

oo if we’re doing queer confessions i got a bit of a long one

first relationship, classic story of not realizing we were into eachother for the longest time, even after regularly kissing and cuddling for almost a year lol (calling him bf 1). went really well actually after we properly got together

after about a year or so, bf 1’s ex (not on any sort of bad terms INITALLY) (calling him bf 2) who was my best friend asks if we wanted to just be in poly relationship together since we all had confessed to eachother at once point and we say yeah sure we still all like eachother, it took bf 1 a few months to think over first which was fine by all of us, so we just continued all being close friends for a few months till then. few months later, he says yea sure that’d be fine and so we started trying it out since we had all been really happy with eachotehr up to that point

literaly the same exact night that happened, bf 2 changed his attitude towards me completely and despite being very good friends before this and loving eachother he started ignoring me and claiming he just didn’t have energy to do anything ever, while constantly showering bf 1 in overwhelming affection and hundreds of smaller things like that where i’d get left in the dust while he would get mounds of attention. he was just as unnerved by it as i was.

i was a bit dumb and so didn’t really act on this for a while despite realizing immediently it was weird, and after a few months me and bf 1 started talking about it privately and realized he was just flat out lying to both of us and expected us to like. not talk about it?? like super blatant things llike telling me he didn’t value sex in a relationship at all and didn’t want it with me while minutes later telling bf 1 that sexual intimacy is the thing he valued most and wouldn’t want a relationship otherwise

one of the worst thing though (atleast in terms of how much it damaged my understanding and acceptance of myself)) was despite him being nb (he/they) and even experimenting with being a girl for a while he started constantly hanging our own gender identities over our heads and sayin shit like “well i’m gay so if you start identifying as a girl i’m gonna leave” to me when i brought up to him, the first person i talked to it about, that i wanted to be a girl which stunted myself growth by years and similar things to bf 1 who was very openly nb (which, wow i’m relazing as i’m typing this how casually mysoginsitc he was, he made all sorts of “jokes” about how inherently disgusting traditionally feminine bodily features were)

after about a year of this (me and other bf were just too scared to leave, but we definently should of) he actually broke up with me , and tried to speak on behalf of bf 1 claiming they just both wanted me out of the polycule, also just a straight up lie as when i talked to him about it . after talking for a while and asking some mutual friends we figured out he told literally every single person a different, conflicting story and putting the pieces together we came to conclusion that he was just using me as a throwaway tool to get back together with bf 1 to squeeze himself in the relationship, and tried dumping me out so he could be monogamous with him only.

needless to say bf 1 dumped his ass less than a week later after we finally were able to decipher the literally 10 different conflicting stories, and this story actually does have a really happy ending!! me and bf 1 are still besties and kiss a lot while he found another much sweeter and nicer boyfriend, i got another girlfriend with a shared pet kittygirl shortly after that helped me through the whole thing and i’ve never been happier about my body image/self image and gender identity in my life. IM FINALLY A CUTE GIRL WITH A CUTE GIRLFRIEND WE MADE IT NYALL :3!!!

(and as a nice bonus ontop, the only time i hear about him now is from other people realizing how scummy he was and cutting him off, leaving himself to rot in a hole of his own making surrounded by people jus like him. feels great to be away from that whole toxic friendgroup in general. freedom.)

(anyway thanks, “but we stay silly :3” was a quote regularly said to myself during the recovery of all this )

yipppeeee, we really do stay silly!!!

[bullshit-tqia]

As a psychology student, I'm interested in how you say in your bio that you'll debunk transgender identities through logic. As someone who has written essays approved by college professors about transphobia, gender dysphoria, and gender identity, I would like to know what's your main argument against transgender identities (trans women, trans men, non-binary people, and so on).

You can refer to me in any way you want. He, she, it, they, I don't care. My identity isn't important, only my arguments and knowledge are. Let's talk about it.

-📚

I’m going to assume you’re a B.A. in psychology, not a B.S. in psychology-which is an important distinction. Most psychology majors are B.A. majors.

But also, I graduated college so you saying “approved by college professors” doesn’t mean much to me. What does "approved" mean, I got consent to write about 'XYZ' for my term papers sometimes, is that what "approved" means? I also wrote essays and got A+’s on them. I don’t see myself as an authority on the history of the U.S. South or Southern legal history. I graduated college feeling like I didn’t know enough to ever consider myself as an authority on the topic. I felt like I knew nothing. Which is why I’m going to law school.

My arguments against transgenderism are based on the “treatment” of gender dysphoria. I think gender dysphoria does exist, but I don’t think it is biological in nature like many trans theory states. This is why the distinction between a B.A. and a B.S. matters. A Bachelor of Arts focuses more on the humanities, so reading and interpreting studies through a linguistic and theoretical lens, while a B.S. focuses on conducting research and interpreting studies through a quantitative and objective lens.

In logic, it is very important to point out assumptions in people’s arguments. Many arguments for transgenderism are based on assumptions, things assumed to be true, but not things proven to be true.

For example, the fact that transwomen have “female” brains.

This study (very narrow in sample) compares the white/grey matter content of female, male, and transwoman brains.

The graph corresponds with the amount of white and grey matter in the brain, meaning that the more "female" a brain, the more grey matter it'll have, and the more white matter a brain has, the more "male" it is.

0 is female, 1 is male, -1 is super female, and 2 is super male. This study looks legit at first until I point something out.

There's only one person that was slightly below 0 in this graph in the transgender woman violin plot, half of the men meet the "obscure brain sex zone" and a little less than half of the women also meet this "obscure zone," and the majority of transgender women meet this zone.

More of the transwomen stretch into the "super male" zone than into the "super female" zone. Only one did, while a little over half of the females did.

This is supposed to prove transwomen have female brains? It seems like it does the opposite. Because of the obscurity, none between 0-1 really matter as they overlap. It is the extreme cases that matter the most. No males go below 0, no females go above 1. Many transgender women go above 1, but only one went below 0, and just barely. This can be doubted based on this one person's brain was mismeasured.

And the key assumption is, what these scientists ignored and simply assumed was true:

How does an increase in grey matter in a male's brain lead to gender dysphoria? What is the connection between grey matter and transgenderism?

Sure, they pointed out that 1 male fit into the "female" range, and that was only after meeting a prerequisite: identifying as transgender. As for the "cisgender" people, it's never specified if they included lesbian and gay men.

If they tested for that, could we have seen even more overlap? And if gay men dipped into the "female sexed brain" and lesbians rose into the "male sexed brain" then the whole study is bullshit based on these gay men still identifying as men despite having "female brains" and lesbians identifying as women despite having "male brains." But we don't know this because they didn't test for it. If it is true, then something else leads someone to identify as transgender and white matter & grey matter have nothing to do with it, but to me that is already established as the majority of the people sampled overlap each other.

The primary differences seem to be based on the influence of testosterone and estrogen in the body. None of the trans-identified men were on HRT. This is based on their natal hormone levels.

Another assumption is that in the womb, trans-identified people were exposed to more testosterone/estrogen in their brains while their body was exposed to more estrogen/testosterone. This is an assumption because:

We don't even know if this is possible, how does testosterone/estrogen begin to collect and localize to one place

How come we have never observed this in any other body part, it is the excess of androgens/insufficient androgens that cause intersex conditions, not a localization excess of estrogen in their genitals or something like that

Why haven't we tried to observe hormone flux in the womb and do long-term studies on their gender/sexuality first before assuming that HRT/SRS would fix everything?

If there is no biological basis for transgenderism, then why are we trying to fix it through biology?

If it isn't like my fucked up & misaligned teeth, something observable, then why are we assuming that the solution is just as observable as inverting a penis or stitching on a flesh tube?

If it is not something objectively measurable, how can we truly determine who is trans and who isn't?

Correlation ≠ Causation

[alphajocklover]

Hello, basic 40 year old flabby, short, wimpy nerd nerd here. Been trying and failing to get fit and transform into a stud since I've been thirteen to no avail. Pretty much decided that that the project is genetic. I don't suppose you can genetically graft me to a hypermasculine dad or maybe a hypermasculine brother so puberty could have dealt me a way different hand?

Huh. I’ll admit, I’ve never really done anything like that before. I mean, I’ve talked about changes that alter someone’s past in previous post, and I performed one myself using time travel (I fucking hate time travel), but what’s you’re asking is so much more intense. You want me to make it so that you grew up with a super manly dad or brother. You want me to make it so your genetics are different, your history is different, so that you’re basically an entirely different person. I’m not sure I’ve ever altered anyone that much before. But… I’m willing to give it a try.

You’re an only child right? And you never knew your dad? Raised only by your mom? Good, that will make this much easier. Now, I should warn you that we’re going to have to be very careful. We’re going to use an artifact that my Uncle left to me. I’ve mentioned him before. I really should tell you all about him one day. Anyways, what we’re using to change you might not look like much, but… it’s very powerful. We need to use it carefully.

Ok, I know what you’re thinking. It’s a little statue of a metal tree. Yes I know I sound crazy but in a world with time travel, an app that turns people into meatheads, and reflections that can swap places with the person they’re reflecting, I think you can give me the benefit of the doubt. The little statuette doesn’t look like much, but it’s one of the most dangerous magic items I own. It’s known as the Family Tree, and it allows the user to, well, alter their family tree. Literally. All you have to do is press your thumb to the wooden base, and the tree grows and changes until it resembles your own family tree, complete with pictures. Then it’s as simple as moving some things around, or adding a picture to the tree. So, let’s get to work.

You asked for a super manly dad, or a super manly brother. But since we’re already changing your family, why not give you both? First let’s change out your deadbeat dad for someone a little more… impressive. A real man, a man’s man, one so muscular and sexy that if he walked out on your mom you’d still thank him for the amazing genetics. But don’t worry, your new dad isn’t going to walk out like the old one. He stayed with your mom (who as it turns out is a real babe with the right man encouraging her), and raised you to be just like him. He taught you how to play sports, how to workout, how to shave your hairy face, even how to make a girl putty in your hands. You were always especially talented at that last one. You’re starting to remember it aren’t you? Everything your dad taught you, how far you pushed yourself because you wanted to make him proud. You especially remember him showing him how to throw a football. In this world you were a natural.

Next is your brother. I don’t wanna give away your identity, or his, so let’s call him Brad. He’s actually your younger brother, not your older brother. You were the one who taught him how to be a man, how to be a stud, and in doing so, became an even better one yourself. As reality changes you remember growing up with him, teaching him the ropes, playing and working out with him. You even remember the girls you’d sometimes fuck together. You remember the first time you and him spitroasted a bimbo, how hot the girl looked and how proud and manly your brother was.

But let’s move on to you. In this life you took after your dad and your little brother, being a natural stud. You were a strong kid, an active kid, but puberty hit you like a dump truck. You shot up, your shoulders widened, and you gained an almost obscene amount of muscle and hair. You’ve got a different personality too. Cocky and confident, a constant flirt and a total bro. You thought you’d never settle down, fucking a different girl every night. Until… you met your wife. Yes, in this world you have a wife. She’s a bit of a bimbo, but the kindest person you’ve ever met. She enchanted you, and soon… while, you were married, and have stayed married for almost 20 years.

You’ve changed your past, your future, and everything about yourself. You’re finally the man you always wanted to be… but your kids are really the lucky ones. They’ve got awesome genetics, killer bodies, and a great dad to show them how to use it, just like how you did growing up.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for calling my boyfriend babygirl

let me clarify upfront: my boyfriend has never expressed discomfort with this, and says he likes it, so it’s potentially a non-issue, but it’s still bugging me. this has been ongoing for a little over a month and i feel like i’m going nuts. forgive me if any of the language i use here isn’t correct, i don’t know how else to get the ideas across - feel free to correct me if i could be saying things more inclusively. sorry that this is rambly also. small nsfw warning (nothing too explicit)

i (22m) have been dating my boyfriend (19ftm) for a little over a year. i’m cis and he is trans. admittedly i’m not like… the most well versed in trans issues but i love him more than life itself so i really try to be respectful of him. he was bullied pretty severely in highschool, not just for being trans but his gender identity was no small part of it, and even though he’s not super dysphoric day to day he’s definitely got some boundaries about it. there are certain compliments he likes and some that upset him (he doesn’t enjoy being called pretty or cute, typically) and he’ll snap at people for referring to him with feminine names or titles like “sis” “girl” etc even if it’s done jokingly.

the thing is he’s rarely, if ever, done that with me? i call him pretty and cute all the time (because he is) and he’s always been fine with it. admittedly the first time i did it i didn’t know it was something that usually bugged him, but he’s never said anything to me about it. everytime i have he’s seemed happy. he’s very outspoken, i pretty firmly believe if it was a problem he’d say something about it - again, he has no issues being firm about this boundary with any of his other friends and family. i was doing this before we started dating, so after we started dating it sort of bled into pet names

again, it was never something i asked him about expressly, but at some point i started calling him, like… princess, babygirl, etc. i only ever do this in private, when its just us or when i’m pretty sure only he can hear me, for a few reasons. my boyfriend doesn’t really pass (entirely his choice. he doesn’t bind his chest and he doesn’t want any gender affirming surgeries or hrt - again, he’s not super dysphoric day to day, he only gets upset when it’s commented on and he can bounce back from it pretty quickly) and again, it seems like it’s always made him happy. at the risk of tmi, it especially seems to make him happy in the bedroom, which is another reason i avoid dropping these pet names in front of anyone else. it’s private and i don’t think it’s anyone else’s business.

so. to put this mildly. we went to a house party together recently and i got super smashed. it was a pretty big party so we were sticking by each other, and when you’re drunk and your partner is there… well, yeah. i was admittedly being pretty handsy. he didn’t tell me to knock it off or anything, he was reciprocating. at some point he started talking to his best friend from highschool (19mtf, i’ll call her Z) so i reigned myself in but i was definitely still drunk and horny and being clingy. i don’t know Z all that well - she and my boyfriend are very close but she can be pretty harsh, and i appreciate all she does for him so i like her, but we never talk unless he’s there. i’ve had maybe one one-on-one conversation with this woman ever.

they’re talking. i’m also there. i’m not trying to rush him but i definitely want to get home. the conversation lulls and i take the chance to ask my boyfriend if he wants to leave soon, and because i am aforementionedly drunk and horny i drop one of those earlier pet names. before he can respond to me, Z snaps at me. she says not to call him that and that i was being a creep - this alarms me and was kind of frustrating since i wasn’t even talking to her, and i recognize i’m not in a headspace to argue? with her? so i just tell my boyfriend to come find me when he wants to leave and i wander outside. he finds me about 5-10 minutes later and we head home.

it doesn’t get brought up again that night but a day or so later i text Z to ask her what she meant by me being a creep, because it was bugging me. she says that it’s obvious i’m fetishizing my boyfriend’s gender identity, that the fact i call him those things brings up major red flags, etc. i tell her that my boyfriend doesn’t have an issue with it. she says it doesn’t matter and asks me why i want to call him those names in the first place, and posits that maybe i don’t actually want to be dating a boy - that i just like the idea of dating a boy and actually want to be with a woman. i’m gay, so this is VERY out of pocket to me. i tell her my boyfriend is not a woman and end the conversation there, but it DOES stick with me. so, very belatedly, i ask my boyfriend what he thinks of all this. i adore him so much and i hate hate hate the idea i could’ve been treating him like that, even unintentionally. he says the pet names never bothered him and he’s never felt like that, and that he’s fine with me specifically doing it because he trusts me and knows i don’t see him as a girl.

so, whatever. she has a problem but me and my boyfriend don’t. i try to move on, but the next time i see her she asks if i’ve apologized/reflected at all. i tell her no, because my boyfriend said i have nothing to apologize for and it seems like a non-issue. she is now avoiding me, refuses to be in the same room as me, and will declare to anyone who asks that she doesn’t want to be near someone who fetishizes trans people and she doesn’t feel safe around me. my boyfriend tries to talk to her but she insists i need to apologize at the bare minimum, but to who? even if i did apologize to my boyfriend i wouldn’t mean it and he wouldn’t want it. Z is his long-time best friend, i can’t exactly go the rest of our relationship just avoiding her. so i have no damn idea where to go from here.

on some level, i worry she’s right? i honestly don’t know why i started calling him those things. i think it started as a joke but i just kept doing it when i noticed he seemed to like it. in hindsight that was maybe shitty of me, but i trust him to tell me when something i do is making him uncomfortable. it’s not like i can do that over, but if he ever told me to stop i would. it’s definitely true that if you saw my boyfriend on the street you’d probably assume he’s a woman, but i’ve never been attracted to anyone who actually identifies as a woman before. i’ve only ever liked men, and no matter what he looks like he is a man. this whole situation did make me think about how i think about him, and i’ve realized that, like… i want to have kids with him one day, and ideally i’d like him to carry them. ideally, but id never make him. if he decided tomorrow that he wanted to medically transition and go the whole nine yards i’d support him. he’s my whole world, i just want him to be happy. but does the fact i want him to carry children prove her right?

i’m just. confused. i feel like i’m running myself in circles. Z knew him in highschool so she was there when bullying over his gender was at his worse, so i get why she’s protective. she’s also trans herself so she undoubtedly understands this stuff better than me. but i’ve heard it’s normal for trans people to have complicated relationships with gender, so it’s normal to be okay with gendered language from some people and not others (like only letting close friends use certain pronouns for you). i figure it’s like that, but it’s not my gender so… i don’t know. should i just stop calling him those pet names altogether, even though i know at this point he enjoys them, to be safe? am i an asshole for calling him those things in the first place / would i be an asshole if i kept doing it?

What are these acronyms?

[rawserhh]

hello!! i'm super interested in DID and if it's not too uncomfortable for you, i'd like to ask a few things! i'm really sorry if any of this comes across as disrespectful, by the way.

how did you 'meet' your alters, for lack of any better phrases? what does it feel like for each alter when they're fronting? if they all split from your body for a day (i'm picturing like Yin-Yang in season two), would they all look identical to you or would they look like different people? have you ever had any alters split/fuse/go dormant?

i partly ask because i find myself switching between personalities (i like to call them modes) sometimes, but they're not really independent to be their own people. i don't really realise i do it until a few hours after and i'm not too sure if it's like a result of trauma/DID or just kinda strange.

sorry again if this is way too many questions for you or way too personal! i know you aren't a doctor, too…

-🪴

hiiiii! and don’t worry it’s not disrespectful at all to be curious . i’m open to expanding on my disorder the best way i can for people interested. just be aware that some systems prefer to keep private and that’s totally okay too 🤍.

it’s very hard to describe what it’s like meeting an alter for the first time . for some people it may be exciting, like seeing an old friend or family member. for the majority of other people i’ve met though, along with myself, it’s very scary and dissociating. it can feel like someone is in your head without your permission and somehow knows things about u . it really is just another person there , with thoughts and feelings and a personality . for me, it isn’t like someone just pops in one day and decides to stay. they might fade in or out of my head before i actually can tell a clear identity. the best way i can describe it is someone in a dark cloudy alleyway, and u can only see their outline and hear their voice, but they appear distorted and scary .

for fronting , it really depends . i’m a covert system, meaning it’s not easily noticeable when i switch to a different alter . sometimes they fade in and out. for me, it’s like a few people riding a horse. the person in front may be guiding the horse perfectly fine, when the person behind them grabs the reins and pulls really hard . obviously, that would really scare the horse!!!!! in all honestly it’s not too fun switching , which is why on tumblr i normally only post art without talking much . as you grow, u adjust to change which can make it a bit easier

the yin yang comparison is a good way to describe it ! i guess i wouldn’t really know just because my alters are very foggy compared to my friends’ that have very clear visions of them . i assume it would be something along the lines of being their own person, but still very confusing and disorienting. like throwing a surprise party almost, but it isn’t your birthday lol . alters are still their own people, and some may look like an identical twin or a whole different species . it really depends on who u ask

i’ve had alters split, fuse and go dormant . all of the above ! i’m sure u get the gist by now that it can be confusing and scary . sometimes someone will split from another and it’s like meeting a completely different person . fusing is something i can only due through therapy, or at least right now. sometimes people have a goal to fuse their whole system , which can also be a hard process . thats not really my own personal goal though . dormancy is really interesting to me, because sometimes it can still feel like meeting a whole new person even if they have memory of being in the system before . it can also be the other way around, when everyone remembers them being in the system but themself .

i always recommend seeing a doctor or therapist for any issues with identity . while there is a chance it could be DID, it could also be puberty or another disorder that needs to be treated differently . there’s no shame in researching or asking friends/family u trust ^_^ my best of wishes to you

[too-much-tma-stuff]

As Weak as You are Strong

Part 2 of Mutually Assured Disaster, as usual this isn’t edited so if you see any errors let me know!

-----------

Training Danny did not go the way that Hood had expected it too. First off it started way sooner then he had expected or wanted, he had wanted Danny to rest and fully heal before they started anything, maybe settle in fully to Gotham. But by the end of the first week he had realized that keeping the boy still was a fucking impossible task, he was so fucking restless! Jason attempted it for another four days before realizing that he had to give Danny something controlled and safe to do before sitting still drove him crazy and he did something stupid.

The easiest way to do that just then was to start training Danny, he was able to put it off a few more days by telling Danny he wouldn’t start training until he was signed up for school because the teen didn’t want to go back to school. But it was only a couple days before he seemed to decide that even school would be better then nothing.

Danny accepted being given a new identity, Danny Nightingale and let Hood forge paperwork to have legal guardianship and then enroll him in a decent school. Though he wouldn’t be starting till next semester to give him a chance to settle in to his new home. Jason wasn’t entirely sure when he’d decided Danny belonged with him, but he had, and was looking into bigger apartments for him and his new ward. After all it was official now.

“Okay the first step will be for you to show me what you can do to get a baseline, so we’ll go to gym I usually use after breakfast,” Jason finally said one morning as pulled a bottle of milk out of the fridge. Usually he cooked breakfast for them but it was a bad idea to eat to heavily before a work out, he’d take Danny out for lunch afterwards instead.

He heard Danny pause from where he was digging around in the cupboard grumbling about how healthy Jason’s cereal options were, as if he wasn’t the one who’d already eaten the box of sugary shit Tim had left here. The silence went on for too long and Jason scowled, turning to put the milk down on the counter and stare ad Danny hard.

“What’s the issue Wisp?” Jason asked sounding more annoyed then he actually was.

“Well, it’s just, I’m really strong and I have, like, a lot of powers? A Lot, I don’t even remember all of them half the time! I think it might be better of we leave town for me to show you? Like, if you want to see my most powerful ability that’s my Ghostly Wail, which is a pretty powerful sonic thing I don’t have great control of and I’m worried if I tried to do it inside I might bring down the building.” Danny rambled as casually as he could while he went back to digging for cereal and brought them over to the table.

Jason blinked as he processed that and then nodded slowly. “Okay, we haven’t talked about this much, what powers do you have?”

“Well, the sonic scream I mentioned, super strength, flight, intangibility, I can make and control ice, I have enhanced senses, I can shock people though that’s a hands on attack… Oh, I can sort of hypnotize people, I can possess people as well but I don’t like doing it… I can shape shift a bit though I’m not very good at it yet.” Danny said, counting them out on his fingers and looking a bit unsure as if he might have forgotten some.

“Damn Spooks what Can’t you do?” Jason asked, making light of how genuinely shocking Danny’s power level was.

“I think eventually I’ll learn how to shoot lasers.. Oh! I forgot my ecto beams! I can shoot ecto from my hands with some force, it’s corrosive to humans. And I can’t duplicate yet, the one older member of my species I met could so I assume I’ll learn eventually? I’m not really in a rush to learn though, I already kind of scare myself,” Danny admitted, looking away and rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Alright, can you show me everything accept the wail inside?” Jason asked tapping his fingers absently against the table, before Danny shoved the box of cereal across the table to him and he remembered they were supposed to be eating.

“I think so, as long as I’m careful. But if I break anything you’re paying for it,” Danny joked around a mouthful of cereal, pointing his spoon at Jason.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” Jason said automatically, forcing himself to power through the realization he was fucking parenting this kid. “If I have to pay for anything you’re grounded.”

“You can’t ground me, you’re not my dad,” Danny shot back with an exaggerated pout, at least his mouth wasn’t full this time.

“So you’re not living under my roof, eating all my food, and asking me to train you?” Jason asked, raising his eyebrows, Danny stayed silent, pouting and poking at his cereal, steering the last few bits around the bowl. “If you have so little control of your power that you would break something you might seriously hurt a human in the field even if they don’t deserve it, and we don’t want that so if you break anything you’ll be grounded and it’ll be longer before you get into the field. Until we’re both confident in your control,” Jason explained firmly, he watched Danny consider that then deflate and nod.

“Fine,” He mumbled, drinking his cereal milk and bringing his bowl to the sink, washing it quickly.

Jason let it go, he knew Danny didn’t want to hurt anyone, he was a good kid, he was just disappointed. It wasn’t like he hadn’t had a shit attitude when he was Danny’s age as well. Jason finished his breakfast quickly, cleaning up before he grabbed the keys to his bike. “Alright let’s get to the gym, I already made sure it would be kept empty for the morning, so no one will see what we do.” He had been going to this place for ages and no one had found out he was Red Hood after all, in Gotham businesses that catered to vigilantes and rogues were deeply valued.

Danny nodded and grabbed the helmet Jason had bought for him in the first couple days. He left the apartment and went down the stairs ahead of Jason as he locked up. Danny bounded down, jumping a flight of stairs at the time and waiting on the landing for Jason to catch up before leaping down the next one. Jason didn’t understand why he was doing but he had learned gravity didn’t affect Danny the same way as most people did so jumping that way wouldn’t hurt the kid. And if it made him happy Jason didn’t give a shit, he just hurried to keep up.

Danny sat on the back of Jason’s bike, making him think about how he should really look into getting a sidecar or something, even though Danny seemed to enjoy riding on the back. Actually, it was the first time Jason was genuinely considering switching to a car for regular use, that would be safer right? And what if Danny wanted to have a friend over once he started school? Jason couldn’t bring both Danny And a friend home like this. Ya, he should definitely get a car.

God fucking damn it, he was a dad.

They reached the gym no problem and Jason lead the way this time, Danny hanging back just a little, clearly nervous. Jason marched on ahead, leading by example that there was nothing to be afraid of, and Danny hurried to keep up. There were a few people there still there so Jason whistled loudly and reminded the room at large the gym was privately booked out for the next couple hours and it was time to clear out. There was some grumbling but everyone went, it wasn’t exactly the first time this had happened.

“Okay the first thing is a test of strength, help me move all this shit out of the way,” Jason said, he was joking really but Danny didn’t seem to notice. He nodded firmly and went and grabbed one of the pieces of exercise equipment, lifting it and all the weights attached with no trouble at all. Jason had to pause to process that, watching as Danny moved it off to the side. “How much exactly can you lift?”

“I don’t know, I lifted a bus once and it wasn’t to hard,” Danny told Jason casually, as if that was fucking normal! Jason really had his work cut out for him with this kid. He sighed at Danny and then went to grab some targets since Danny had mentioned some sort of blast.

“Alright now that we have a clear patch show me what else you can do,” Jason said once he’d set up the targets. Danny nodded with a determined set to his jaw and in a flash of light that made Jason blink Danny had changed, his hair turning white and his eyes a green that would have made Jason’s stomach turn if he wasn’t already half used to Danny’s eyes flashing that colour randomly.

Over the next hour he watched as Danny blasted the targets with green beams that seemed to melt through what they hit and then eat through the rest, shock, freeze, and fight. When Jason told him to hit a punching bag as hard as he could Danny fucking broke it! The chain snapped and the bag flew across the room.

“I’m so sorry!” Danny yelped as soon as he realized what he’d done, before Jason had fully processed it. “You told me to hit as hard as I could! I should have known to hold back a bit but-“ Danny cut off on his justifications, ducking his head and biting his lip.

Jason took a deep breath, watching the sand that spilled from the split in the punching bag and trying not to think about what that force could do to a human body. “It’s alright, I did say to hit it as hard as you could. Now I need to see if you can punch just hard enough to drop a person without hurting them badly,” he said, ushering Danny over to a bag that wasn’t broken. He wanted to spar with Danny but he needed to make sure it wasn’t overly dangerous to his health first.

“I can do it in my human form,” Danny offered, eager to be helpful. “I have some access to my powers when I am but they’re much weaker when I am so it might be safer.”

“Safer for others but what about for you? You’re more vulnerable when you’re in your human form right?” Jason demanded and Danny winced, nodding reluctantly. “Alright then we’re going to work on you being able to control and restrain your strength in this form. You should be able to do that anyway, pulling a punch takes just as much strength as following it through and the control is even more impressive.”

“This is going to take forever,” Danny groaned.

“Well then we’d better get started then shouldn’t we?” Jason said, repressing his smile in case Danny thought he was making fun of him.

Danny groaned dramatically again, wallowing but only for a moment before the determined set to his jaw returned and he nodded. “Good, do you think you can spar with me without throwing me into a wall?” Jason joked, Danny wouldn’t want to hurt Jason so it really was the best way to help him practice.

Danny barked a startled laugh and grinned. “Oh ya! Don’t worry I’ll go easy on you~” Danny teased making Jason laugh in return, the kid really liked to banter.

“Don’t hold back to much, I’m plenty strong,” Jason shot back as he lead the way to the mat. “After this though I’m taking you to the shooting range. A gun with rubber bullets will be a good way for you to have a ranged attack without shooting fucking acid, and it’s a lot gentler then you can hit. The last thing we need is for you to get worked up or spooked in the field and really hurting someone by accident.”

“Turns out I’m not a gun, I’m much, much worse,” Danny joked and Jason rolled his eyes at the movie reference.

He dropped into a fighting stance once he reached the mat. “I’m on the attack now, I just want you to show me how well you can dodge and block Without using your powers.” Once he had Danny’s confirmation and the younger man was in his stance Jason lunged without a count in.

Danny wasn’t bad for someone who didn’t have any actual training, he was quick and his reflexes were good but he was clearly used to relying more heavily on his powers and took a couple pretty hard hits. Just as importantly though he took those hits, stumbled, recovered, and kept going. They could never avoid every hit, being able to keep going in spite of it was a crucial skill in this line of work.

Jason pushed it until he could see Danny starting to get frustrated so Jason had a good measure of both his abilities and his capacity and then backed off. “Alright we need to work on that, and your patience,” Jason said as he left the mat for a moment to grab their water bottles.

“Why?” Danny asked, maybe a little petulantly, he was eager to get out on patrol and he had always been able to rely on his powers before. Still Jason chose to answer the question in good faith.

“What if your attacked as a civilian and need to hide your powers? What if some day you’re up against something who Can actually hurt and hit you? They obviously exist given how you found me. What if some day you lose your abilities?” Jason pointed out. “Your life is the most important thing so if you have to use them so be it but we need to make sure you can handle yourself decently without them.” He handed Danny his water bottle and they both drank while Danny processed and valiantly attempted not to sulk, he was still a teenager after all and a bit immature.

“As for your patience, you don’t have anger issues like mine but if you lost your temper you could do a lot more damage.” Jason noted the way that made Danny flinch, he’s ask about that later.

“Alright now your turn to attack, show me how you fight without those powers of yours. You can turn back now if you want to, though I think you should patrol in this form so you should learn to control your strength like this. It’ll help keep your identity secret too. Though if the people in this city haven’t figured out who Nightwing is their obviously fucking idiots,” Jason told Danny as he put down his bottle and returned to the mat.

“I don’t have a lot of practice fighting humans, just other ghosts, so until I get a better feel for that I think I’d rather spar as a human as well. I mean, I’m still strong like this,” the same flash of white light around Danny and he once again had black hair and blue eyes. “But not as strong so it’ll be a good way to ease into it right?”

“Sure that makes sense, come on,” Jason said beckoning for Danny to come at him. Which he did, sloppily. He was fast, but he was untrained, his strikes were wide and telegraphed, Jason dodged and grabbed Danny’s arm, flipping him and putting his back on the ground before letting him up. Danny stood up again, looking a little more wary this time, he took a moment to consider Jason before attacking again, his attacks a little more considered and precise, but still pretty damn obvious.

Jason blocked and dodged mostly, letting Danny land at least one hit to see how hard it would be, he pulled it pretty well actually, it might leave a bit of a bruise but it didn’t even knock Jason over. Jason took Danny’s moment of triumph for landing a hit as an opening to put Danny on the ground again with a chuckle, he had to keep the kid humble after all right? He offered Danny his hand to help the boy up giving him a warm smile.

“Alright, not bad but there’s a lot you could learn. I think we’ve got a good baseline of what your capable of, and I’ll start training you in MMA and other fighting styles tomorrow, and shooting lessons this afternoon. First lunch, what do you want to eat?”

[bimbosanddolls]

State of the Bimbo - New Year, Same Kiki

Hi Barbie!

A new year is approaching and, after the emotional roller coaster that was 2023, I’m deciding to dedicate 2024 to being the best version of myself because honestly… I deserve it. 

With that in mind, there is something that I've been debating telling you all for a long time. I’ve hinted at it in asks and such for a while, I’ve talked openly about it with people in DMs, but I’ve never actually said it outright on my blog.

I am a trans woman. I have always been a trans woman. I am also a bimbo. This isn’t just a kink for me; it’s a big part of who I am and who I'm becoming more and more every day.

So why did I wait so long to say something? Time for a quick history lesson and some Kiki lore. When I started this blog like 10 years ago, there was a super popular bimbo creator named Summer (also known as @bimboisbetter) and there was a huge controversy because Summer came out as a catfish. She was a man pretending to be Summer. Looking back, part of me wonders if Summer wasn't also trans… but it really isn’t my place to speak on that. (Also, that being said… Summer, if you’re still out there somewhere and reading this, I hope you’re doing well) Anyway, people were super upset because Summer deceived them. I, despite early accusations of being a woman, claimed I was a guy because I was masc-presenting and not even sure if I was trans or not at this point. I also RPed frequently as a tgtf (transgender transformation) that would get bimbofied. And playing a girl just… made sense. In retrospect, it felt more authentic to who I actually would realize I am way more than the masc person I believed I was “supposed” to be. But all I knew for sure that I didn’t want to face the same criticism Summer did, even if our situations were super different. Flash-forward a few years, a couple hiatuses, and a whole lot of soul-searching later, I’m now very comfortable with my identity. I know who I am. I know I was always her, even when I was making awful jokes like this. I’ve always been KIki; it’s just in the last few years that I’ve truly let her emerge from her cocoon. And I can’t wait to keep growing and becoming the best bimbo barbie I can be!

xoxo,

Kiki 💖🏳���‍⚧️

[anonmousegosqueak]

Okokokok. So I’m nonbinary (she/they, afab) and I tend to switch presenting masc or femme fairly often. So what about Poly or platonic 141 and reader or oc who is similar? Like with a she/they who presents both ways but leans towards masc?

If you’re not comfy with it that’s fine! No worries if you don’t write it. Just thought I’d send a little potential inspo your way ☺️ have a nice evening

Spaghetti. I'm literally the same, if I were to write about an OC it would just be my super cool awesome self insert who everyone loves and has fifty billion boyfriends and they all smoke weed. Specifically self insert- as I am also they/she and tend to switch between masc and fem presenting.

But while I love and cherish that oc, I also understand that not everyone wants to see that. I made them for myself, not to plague the online with "Mary Sue" or whatever.

Anyways- I guess poly!141 x reader? I'm still not sure how to title stuff sooo~ I'm also gonna be smart and put a cut in now because I *know* I'ma get carried away and write till my fingers break.

Gonna break this up into individual reactions/responses (dw it's nothing but fluff)

Okay let's start with the boomer who isn't actually that old (38 is not old...) but it's funny to pretend he is:

Surprisingly enough, Price not only understands, he 100% hypes you up. He tends to default to they/them pronouns but will (if you're okay with it) absolutely call you "one of his boys" masc or fem. After his shithead father was... Him. Price kinda took it upon himself to be a good mentor to y'all, especially if your own dad isn't great- or even if he's fine tbh, this guy snatched up Kyle despite him (in my hc) having an alright dad. So yeah, he may or may not teach you 'man-ly stuff'.

For example: date night to the club. You want to dress more masculine?

Price: "Luv- are you planning on wearing that? Borrowing one of Simon's shirts? No doll, here take one of mine. It brings out your eyes~"

The shit in question is the most old-man flannel you could imagine, like sir- w h y.

Granted, it does look pretty good on you...

Date at the club, looking more fem?

Price: "Stunning as always- pretty thing. I think this necklace would pair well."

To be fair, he'd think you'd look beautiful in anything (or nothing).

Would absolutely buy you a binder if you want, he makes sure you practice safe binding as well. Wouldn't want his wonderful partner to break a rib! That's Johnny's thing.

Listen, Price may or may not have dabbled in some drag when he was younger. While it's not the same, he understands presenting in a way different from your gender identity. He always loves when he can use she/her pronouns while you look masc af, it makes him do that ugly quokka smile he does.

Besides, you'll always be his lovely partner no matter gender or presentation.

Little kitty meow meow sunshine baby boy princess:

Ghost is... Well okay- does he understand? Not really. Does he care? Also no. As long as you're happy, he'll do whatever the hell you want him to. Something as simple as using whatever pronouns no matter how you dress? Bro, he's used to shooting people for his partner, this is nothing. Mate does not give a heck about SAAB, presentation, or identity. Just tell him what to do and he'll do it.

Tell him you prefer she/they pronouns? Okay luv. Tell him you wanna take his shirt because you want to dress masculine and you think the oversized look would be cute? Alright, here you go. (You meant one of the ones from his closest, not what he was wearing but okay)

Bro would care more if you microwaved tea than whatever gender stuff makes you comfortable.

Also- 100% would knock the lights out of anyone who tried to disrespect you. He's already punching homophobes, why not add transphobes to the list?

This one is the shortest because he really does not care. As long as you're happy, he's happy. He might not go out of his way to support you, more because he doesn't know how than because he doesn't care (in a rude way). Similar to his sexuality (check out my post :3 about 141 sexualities), he doesn't fully understand terms or even the actual definitions, he just knows he likes you and you like being called certain things and dressing certain ways.

MEN 13IN1 Shampoo Conditioner Body Wash Toothpaste Mouthwash Deodorant Peanut Butter Gatorade Milk Tin Foil Tennis Shoes Dental Floss Eye Drops:

Bro- Soap is literally so gay

But nah, again referencing my earlier post- Soap doesn't give a heck what your gender is, he's gonna hit that no matter what. He's also got a bit of a foggy view of his own gender, often dressing however he wants masc or fem.

Y'all are trading clothes, no questions asked.

He's much more likely to talk about it, making jokes and such. Whereas Simon quietly accepts you, Soap is a lot more vocal about it. He thinks a good date is heading to a pride parade, he's 100% right.

Sometimes he will get it wrong, calling you the wrong pronouns or something, but you better believe he'll be begging on his knees for forgiveness. Just a silly guy. He loves you, no matter shape or size or presentation or identity.

Soap: "Oi- Bonnie! Can I wear your skirt?"

That's right, you won't be taking his clothes but he'll be taking yours. Well... You could wear his clothes but you won't be wearing them for long. He gets excited at the very idea. One time you put on a random hoodie, not seeing the hole MACTAVISH on the back, and within ten minutes of seeing you he was holding you up like a trophy and showing you off.

Soap: "Lookit my pretty lass! They can wear a skirt or a suit and look absolutely stunning!"

So yeah, like a puppy in a pride bandana.

hghhhhhnnnn... Must bite hussbannnd...

Uh- Gaz. Yeah. Mhm. Please ignore that, my inner demons wanted a word in.

I think he's a perfect mix of Johnny and Simon. Very supportive, but also much more chill. He's also the most likely to ask you questions, like 'what pronouns do you want me to use?' and 'are you okay if I call you baby?' and 'i noticed your wearing a lot more masculine clothes, do you wanna go shopping for more?'. He's a firm believer in communication, no matter what.

He's also a certified pretty boy™, if you match outfits with him he will literally get down on one knee right there.

He's also particularly fond of complementing you no matter what. You could be fresh out of bed and not even properly dressed yet, he'll be saying you're the hottest thing he's ever seen. Masculine, feminine, he thinks you're amazing.

He also likes making outfits with you. Please tell him if you wanna dress up today, he'll be right next to you looking through clothes and asking you what you wanna wear.

Idk man, he wants nothing more than for you to be happy and would do anything to make sure you're comfortable in your skin.

Uhh- I may have lost track of what the og ask was, I got distracted thinking about how heckin adorable these guys are. Tldr: peg them.

Okay bye <3

[secretlovesoftheheart]

oops Mouthwashing incorrect quotes part 2 I have no self control

Anya: The results are in, I’m afraid you have updog… Jimmy: What’s updog? Anya: Daisuke! Get in here, I told you I could do it!

Curly: We’ve found the person who stole your identity and was impersonating you. Jimmy: Where were they? Curly: Eating cheetos and crying in their car. Jimmy, impressed: Damn, they really went for it.

Daisuke: If I run and leap at Swansea, he will most certainly catch me in their arms. Daisuke, running towards Swansea: Coming in! Swansea: No! I’m holding coffee! Swansea: Drops coffee and catches Daisuke

Jimmy: I WOULD DESTROY THE WORLD FOR YOU! Curly: Okay, can you do the dishes? Jimmy: No!

Police Officer: You have the right to remain silent. Jimmy: I choose to waive that right! Jimmy: screaming

Curly: Do you take constructive criticism? Jimmy: No, only cash or credit.

Curly: What do we say when life disappoints us? Anya: Called it! Curly: No.

Anya: You’re not ascending to godhood, you’re just dehydrated. Curly: Outta my way, gaygirl! I’m about to liberate myself from this mortal shell! later Curly, texting Anya: hopital

Anya: Whoa, Jimmy, what’s up with that angry face? Jimmy: Daisuke won’t stop talking about how “Ancient Egyptians were furries”. Daisuke: But they were! Just looks at all their gods- Jimmy: Oh my god, SHUT UP!

Curly: What is the one thing I told you not to do? Jimmy: Burn the house down. Curly: And what did you do? Jimmy: I made dinner. Curly: Jimmy: Curly: Jimmy: And burnt the house down.

Jimmy, holding a toy lightsaber: I’m Darth Vader! Swansea: I’m done with everyone’s bullshit.

Jimmy: Wow, they really hate us. Curly: Yes, perhaps they’re homophobic. Jimmy: But we’re not gay, Curly. Curly: Jimmy: Curly: We’re not?

Curly: Oh man, you have any shaving cream? Daisuke: No, I don't like the way that it tastes. Curly: Wait… you eat shaving cream? Daisuke: No. Why would I eat it if I don't like the taste.

Swansea: A sprite is anything not static. Daisuke: A sprite is a variable object, be it 2d or 3d. Curly: A sprite is a fucking soda. Curly: You god damn geekass bastards.

Anya: Coca Cola can remove rust from metal, imagine what it’s doing to your body. Daisuke: Pfff, getting rid of the rust, idiot. Anya: THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS! Swansea: Hmm… I've been drinking soda and my body's rust free… not sure where you're getting your facts from…

Curly: Are you alright? Anya: Short answer or long answer? Curly: Short? Anya: No. Curly: Long? Anya: Nooooooo.

Jimmy: You have Crayons? Daisuke: Yes, I have— Jimmy: You're— how old are you? Daisuke: YES I AM AN ADULT AND I HAVE CRAYONS, I HAVE A BOX OF EMERGENCY CRAYONS IN THE CABINET UNDER THE TV BECAUSE EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS SOMETIMES, OKAY? EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS.

Daisuke: That sounds super! Doesn’t that sound super, Swansea? Swansea: No. Daisuke: I think I speak for Swansea when I say it sounds really super.

Swansea: What the hell is wrong with you? Jimmy: I have this weird self-esteem issue where I hate myself but still think I’m better than everyone else.

Daisuke: Wow, this parking is as straight as I am. Jimmy: I know I should be focused on the fact that you just came out, but HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY PARKING!

Jimmy: I feel awful about killing you. Curly: Jimmy: Even though technically you never even died, so I don’t know what you’re bitching about.

Daisuke: I have a bad feeling about this… Jimmy: What do you mean? Daisuke: Don't you ever get that little voice in your head that tells you if you're going to get into trouble? Jimmy: No? Swansea: That actually explains so much.

Daisuke: How are you so calm?! Anya: I’ve passed beyond “stressed”, beyond “hysteria”, into the gray misty indifference of complete shutdown of all but emergency services in my brain.

Curly: Jimmy's first detention, I'm so proud. Anya: Whoa, back up. Why did they get detention? Swansea: Because they're an idiot. Daisuke, terrified: They can do that??

Anya, Entering Curly's room: Jimmy did it again. Curly: Peace disturbance? Anya: What no- Curly: Arson..? Anya: NO, JESUS CHRIST, HOW MANY- Curly: uh….Attempted murder? Anya: NO, HE ATE ALL THE FOOD IN THE FRIDGE, BUT WHAT THE FU-

Curly: Can you please just apologize to Anya? Jimmy: Fine, but I have to warn you that this may make me a nicer, better person and that is not who you feel in love with.

Swansea: Where’s Daisuke? Jimmy: Around. Swansea: Around? Swansea: You don’t have any idea, do you? Daisuke, dropping down from above: Did you know there’s a space above the ceiling?

Daisuke: Adulting is hard. Daisuke: How do I quit? Swansea: Time travel. Jimmy: Die.

Swansea: Daisuke, what does IDK, ILY, and TTYL mean? Daisuke: I don’t know, I love you, talk to you later. Swansea: Alright, I love you too, I'll ask Anya. Daisuke: Wait- Swansea, no-

Swansea: Can you keep a secret? Anya: Do you know anything about my life? Swansea: No, I don't. Good point.

Jimmy: Punch me in the face. Swansea: …Punch you? Jimmy: Yes, punch me, didn’t you hear me? Swansea: I always hear ‘punch me in the face’ while you’re speaking but it’s usually just subtext.

Swansea: All of your existences are confusing. The Squad: How so? Swansea: Your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to any of you upsets me.

Daisuke: shoves their hand in the slot of a toaster Swansea: … Daisuke: …I get confused sometimes. Swansea: Me too.

Curly: What’s something you guys are better than Jimmy at? Daisuke: Mario Kart. Anya: Yeah, video games. Swansea: Emotional vulnerability.

Jimmy: Just trust me. Have I ever put you in an unsafe or uncomfortable situation? Anya: All the time. Jimmy: Then you should be used to it by now.

Jimmy: Be careful, I thrive on negative attention.

Curly: Look, Anya, it's the third time this week you had a mental breakdown and its Monday.

Jimmy: Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to fear how much they love me.

Daisuke: I’ve never smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once at a party. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there was no pot in the brownie. It was just an insanely good brownie.

Swansea: I would never say that my partner is a bitch and I don’t don’t like them. That’s not true… My partner is a bitch and I like them so much!

Jimmy: Things will get better! The Squad: Jimmy: Okay, maybe they won’t. Jimmy: But they will be terrible in new and interesting ways!

[velvetvexations]

--- somehow i don't think the trans radfem movement thinks aphobia is a fine word to exist

It's almost quaint. Almost.

Why is there a wave of trans radfems defending 4chan boards

I'm going to need to be pointed to this if only because I'm going to get dinged for spreading malicious lies about trans women being "Nazis" otherwise, but lmfao if true.

wtf kind of hill is txttletale dying on now?

I mean she's still a tankie fuck but apparently now she's also getting in on the transmisogynistic harassment campaign game.

isn't "doll" specifically a fetish term? that is really not something people should be applying to other people without making sure it's ok first.

No, it's a Black ballroom term that trans women started running with.

People on this site are taking pissing on the poor to a whole new goddamn level “telling people that this person is/has sexually harassed someone who was a minor is calling everyone with their identity a pedophile”, I’d blame the school system but that really was a choice not to actually read and relay

it's definitely malicious

joan jett in the mv for i hate myself for loving you is like, unbearably beautiful

so true

it’s so obvious that these people choose to isolate themselves in a dimension crafted out of their own self-hatred that they care more about hurting their oppressors (and people who don’t even oppress them) than uplifting people hurt by systems of oppression. sometimes i think i’m bad but then i come across people like that and realise i’m relatively well-adjusted

inspiring innit

post addressed to trans women from a trans woman about trans women –> trfs in the notes: “why are you telling me to be nice to trans men?”

they have their priorities

absolutely wild to say that transunitists are 2010-reddit-style mras and then say things like "afab privilege." yeah those afabs with their wielding of power. and i bet they get free drinks at every bar and their bosses promote them for being pretty, huh.

they get upset at having their logic compared to MRAs because it's implicit misgendering (never mind that they directly call random trans men MRAs and radfems as well) but I'm not sure what they expect when they talk at length about how all of those fucking evil AFAB bitches are just waiting for their chance to screw you over with a false rape accusation

"pick me" is AAVE, and, like all white girls, they're overusing and misusing it until it has no meaning left 🙄

I actually wasn't aware of that. Neat. Disputed? See replies.

a lot of this going on is just reminding me once again of the intense monogenderism that really never gets worked on. It’s super awkward as a multigendered individual and an intersex one

it also just really feels so fucking tone ignorant the way people talk.

society still calls traits of men or masc, some even actively choose to agree while still being a counter to it gender but obviously real trans women don’t so attacking those things would never hurt them, and multigender trans woman who are also men? Obviously fake.

the English language is so fucking insufficient

I honestly wish every asshole who seems to think the ability to mask as complete cis and definitely just your assigned gender is a privilege had to live in my head for the holiday season. I am entirely in the closet with my family because of bigotry I have no other choice than living with my family for multiple reasons I just spent the entire winter holiday pretending to be a woman answering to my deadname being called aunty and sister and daughter and not being able to say jack shit about it without even being able to retreat to the solace of my friends afterwards because they are all busy with their own families. I want those assholes to experience the emotions and thoughts I just went through and come out the otherside and see if they still think that this is a fucking privilege.

Love you anon. <3

that anon telling on themselves so hard saying transmisogynys "far deeper" than transphobia. literally why on earth would you phrase it like that if the point was anything besides "my *special* oppression is way more poignant and meaningful than your boring regular oppression"

lmao right though it's so obviously just trying to mark their thing as having more dramatic flair

do you keep a backup of your blog with a program like tumblthree? there's a lot of valuable posts on it, and tumblr is almost distressingly transitory.

I don't, but noted.

[1whore1gang]

Ghost Drabble

“I thought you were dead.”

Hey friends!! Ghost won the pill so here’s a short and shitty little drabble for y’all.

It’s not super inappropriate, lots of grief, mentions of losing a child, lots of foul language.

Love you guys!!! Enjoy and PLEASE lmk what you wanna see! You guys are the readers after all so i wanna cater to YOUR ideas!! 🫶🏻

“No. I-“ She took a deep breath as she focused on her word choice. “Why, no- how are you here? I don’t get it.”

“Please, just let me explain.” Simon tried to reason with her as his heart beat out of his chest. “Please you have got to hear me out.”

“I’m listening but you better talk fast.” Her tone was a mixture of fear and command.

“It’s not what you think. When I joined this team, I wanted a new identity. I didn’t want to be who I used to be, the one who was tortured, the one who went through all that loss and pain. It’s not like I had anything left in my life anyways-“ Before he could finish with ‘but you’, she cut him off.

“You didn’t have anything?! Simon-“

“It’s Ghost here, they don’t want anyone leaking my identity.” He quickly corrected her and she looked at him offended, tears turning her eyes glossy. She paused for a moment her mouth agape.

“First of all, it’s not ‘ghost’.” Her words were mocking the name. “It’s Simon, because that’s who you were to me. You were Simon Riley, my Simon.” She accentuated her words. “Do you not understand what you meant to me? What weight you held in my life?” She paused, almost waiting for an answer, but he didn’t even open his mouth. “Second of all, you had me. You had our life. You had our daughter.”

Her statement bit him. It felt like a knife had went through him. “And when I was grieving her death you know what else I was doing?!” Her tone escalated to one of anger. “I was mourning you!!!”

Her face was now etched into his mind forever, sure to haunt his dreams from now on. Tears were streaming in rivers down her face, staining the collar of her shirt. Her eyebrows were furrowed in sorrow, her lip quivering. “I’m so sorry.”

That’s all he could muster. He knew no excuse would suffice for what he left her to endure alone. “Where were you?” She asked in a pleading voice, needing answers.

“They wouldn’t let me see you. Said it was for my privacy and identity security.” Simons voice began to crack, and she began to soften, it was something she’d never seen. “I wanted to run to you, hold you in my arms, apologize for leaving you the way I did. It tore me to shreds knowing you were battling it alone, and it haunted me knowing what I did.”

Simon took in a shaky breath as tears of his own formed. “I dreamed of coming home to you, comforting you. They wouldn’t fucking let me.” His voice went quiet as he cursed his superiors. “If I wouldn’t have been faced with serious consequences, I would’ve broke every rule, but the consequences would’ve set us further apart.”

She stood speechless. She was so lost in this moment, not knowing how to go about Simon this way. From childhood to now, this is the first time she’d ever seen him cry. “Simon…”

“It was my plan to eventually have you find me, I just didn’t think it’d take this long.”

Again, she stood evaluating every movement of his face, the expressions, the way his eyebrows twitched when she met his eyes. She couldn’t deny the pang in her chest, the one of pain. “I know I don’t deserve it, but would you ever grace me with your forgiveness?”

He waited in silence, his nerves tingling with each passing moment. Simon carefully watched as she opened her mouth before hesitating and closing it again. “Simon, it’s been almost 10 years since you faked your death and I got that dreaded phone call. I was only 20 years old with a 2 year old all alone. You should’ve known at the age of 25, that I was too young. I was still a kid myself in ways. You left me to raise a kid when I was barely an adult, the pain I went through at such a young age because I let my childhood best friend give me his last name.”

Simon nodded, agreeing what he did was wrong. “But, when she passed, I felt like I had aged 10 years because I had to mature fast to be a mom raising her child by herself. She was only 4 Si, and she never even got to see her dad, let alone know him. But, in the end, I know what this job can do.”

Her chest raises as she takes in a deep breath. “I know what they can ask of you and how easily it is for the wrong person to know your face, your name. I don’t forgive you right now, but I’m willing to work on it on one condition.”

Simon answered almost too quickly, “Anything.”

[nyxtickled]

You said your partner is disabled like is it okay if you wanna tell what happened to her cause in the videos she seems fine ?

Ohh and don't respond if it makes you uncomfortable I will understand.

Thankyou 😊

hi anon. i know there are two possibilities here: 1) you truly don’t mean any harm and you are just confused and curious, or 2) you’re well aware that this question and the way it was worded is a bit short-sighted, ignorant and potentially even rude so that’s why you asked anonymously.

i tend to always give the benefit of the doubt when i receive questions like this because my goal in kink is to educate rather than to shame, so i want that goal to carry over into all of my answered asks, whether about kink or not, even if they have the potential to be written with the utmost audacity. as such, i’ll respond to you as though you’re representing option 1.

there are a plethora of disabilities that are considered “invisible” or otherwise unnoticeable to many from an outsider looking in. my gf (and myself as well, if you’d like to get super technical but this is about her so we won’t talk about me here) has quite a few of these, including hypermobile joints as a result of a connective tissue disorder (hence how bendy and flexible she is when she restrains me in crazy surprising ways in our videos), postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome which causes spikes in heart rate and drops in blood pressure almost every time she stands up and causes her to get dizzy and have to hold onto something (i actually have this too but not quite as severely), and chronic fatigue syndrome which causes an unending sensation of debilitating and intense exhaustion even with little to no exertion (i have this severely and the best way i can describe is to tell you to imagine how exhausted you feel when you stay up all night and then have to go to work or school the next day, except imagine feeling like that every time you wake up no matter how much sleep you get).

these are only the top 3 of many that she deals with daily, but they are the best examples of disabilities that cause a major impact on one’s daily life that aren’t necessarily visible to the naked eye. she hasn’t been able to work since 2022 due to fainting and busting her chin open on the job. being disabled is so much more than having to use mobility aids, or missing limbs, or having an injury that makes it easy for total strangers to think someone’s disability is valid.

what i show everyone here on my blog consists of our best tickle moments together. what you don’t see is the buildup that led to us being able to film, like pep talks, excessive planning, taking medication to alleviate pain, etc. what you also don’t see is the recovery time, exhaustion, soreness/inflammation my gf might experience from rolling around with me and using her hypermobile joints and flexibility to wrap around me and pin me in crazy ways, the flare-ups that can last days as a result of us having a particularly rowdy session with each other, etc. this is why i have to ask everyone who discusses custom commissions with me to be patient, so if you’re reading this and you’ve ordered a custom but you’re still waiting, i appreciate you very much. and i’m sure i have probably already told you this, but it will be made, no doubt about that, we simply can’t rush it and we can’t predict our limitations.

in the future, anon, i would encourage you to leave out the part where you say “in the video she seems fine” when you ask someone what their disabilities are. many disabled people “look fine�� and once you realize that, you may be able to understand more about the spectrum of disability as a whole. it’s like autism, or adhd, or gender, or literally anything else on a spectrum. it’s not defined by what you see at first glance, and there are many different ways to identify. and that identity has nothing to do with how you appear on the surface.

exene & i are hugely open to talking about/advocating for anyone with chronic illness/disabilities in public spaces, so it’s not the question itself that was problematic. it’s just the presumptions that came along with it. i hope this helps 💓

[starspangledspanks]

In Another Multiverse: Book 2

In Another Multiverse: Book 2

(Hi again lovelies! Please enjoy book 2 to my Coulson series. Events take place in Winter Soldier. After this book things may take their own turn as I progress the characters. NOTHING IS MINE LIKE NOTHING BESIDE MY OWN CHARACTER!!!!)

It had been two years since the events that happened in New York. Two years since I had lost my father. The road had been long and lonely. I had decided in the end to leave New York and throw myself into work. Traveling from place to place doing Furys dirty work. The training was endless but my skills had been honed to perfection. I was a top agent now. 

“Your superiors should not have put you in this position, Widow.” I was currently hanging upside down, hands tied behind my back, this idiot currently interrogating me.

“Widow?” I laughed. “You jackasses don’t even know who you’ve captured.” 

“You are not the widow?” The men looked around confused.

“No dipshit…I’m not.” I rolled my eyes.

“No matter. SHIELD will still come for their precious agent, then we will get what we want.”

“Ok so wait let me get this straight. You thought I was the Black Widow so you captured me banking on the fact that SHIELD would come for me, but now I’m not Widow and you still they’ll come for me but I’m only a level 3 agent so…I wouldn’t hold your breath.” I said lying through my teeth. 

“Shut up!” The man yelled before slapping me across the face. The blood pounding in my cheek as the blood rushed to my head from being upside down.

For a moment I thought back to what had gotten me into this position in the first place. I hated boats, yet here I was in the middle of the sea on a ship that had been taken over by some french jackasses. Swinging upside down with a case of mistaken identity. The loser in charge hadn’t even been down to interrogate me. A loud fluster of activity had shaken me from my daydream before a flash of black came springing into the room and taking down the 3 men who had me tied up. She easily made work of them, her red hair swishing as she kicked ass. When she was done she turned to me with a smirk.

“Nat?” I asked, still swinging.

“Sarah. Good to see you again.” she said coming over to help untie me.

“What the hell are you doing here? They thought I was you.” I said looking down at the men.

“I could ask you the same question,” she said, crossing her arms.

“I was sent here to gather intelligence.” I shrugged.

“So was I…” she trailed.

“Why would Fury send both of us to do the same job?” I asked her as she started to walk away.

“I’m not sure. Rogers thinks this is a standard rescue mission. I’m sure we’ll have to answer to him later.” 

“Rogers?” I asked, thoughts trailing off again. After New York we had had a lovely date, we talked for hours. 

~

“So what was Brooklyn like when you were younger?” I asked as we strolled the walkway of the bridge. After the attack it was basically empty. People still in fear to leave their homes so soon after the attacks.

“It was a lot quieter, less people, things were simple…” he said hands in his pockets.

“Sometimes I wish things could be simple. Simple is good.” I smiled breathing in the air. It still smelled like sulfur from all the gun fire just a few days before.

“Have you thought some more about what you’re gonna do?” he asked, hands in his pockets.

“I talked to a realtor. She said with everything going on people are going to be looking for none destroyed houses. I think I’m gonna sell and drop of the face of the earth for a while…” he shot me a sympathetic smile.

“No more SHIELD?”

“I don’t know. I can’t help but feeling like maybe Dad would’ve wanted something more for me. A life, kids… But then another part of me thinks he’d want me to become some super badass and kick butt for a living.” I giggled.

“Hard to know what your fighting for if you don’t have a reason.” he answered.

“And what’s your reason?” I asked.

~

“Earth to Sarah,” Nat said, waving a hand in front of my face. I hadn’t even realized we’d made it to the control room.

“Sorry, I’m in my head all the sudden. I’ll snap out of it.” I said.

“I’m gonna back up these files. If Fury is after something we should be able to get it directly from here.” She said pushing the stick into the computer before hacking into the system.

“So what was your thing here,” she said, gesturing to the computer.

“My directive was to accompany the crew to their destination and gather whatever files I could on those onboard. Fury was suspicious there was a plant. I was doing just fine until these pirates showed up. I fought my ass off but there was too many for me to handle before they drugged me. They thought I was you,” I laughed.

“A plant?”

“You know you can’t ask Fury questions, Nat.” I said putting my hands on my hips. We were interrupted by a large mass falling through the door, the dark figure knocking out the man on the ground before standing up to look at us.

“Well this is awkward,” Nat said, smiling at him. Steve's form looked larger than I had remembered. His suit now dark, his eyes darker.

“Backing up the hard drive, it’s a good habit to get into,” she joked.

“Rumlow needed your help, and what the hell are you doing here?” he said, coming to stand in front of me, his dark eyes falling to my face.

“Getting my ass saved by you guys apparently.” I stated. His eyes flicked to the computers.

“You’re saving SHIELD intel.”

“As much as we can get our hands on.” I said.

“Our mission was to rescue hostages.” He said.

“No, that was your mission, this was ours.” Nat said, handing me the stick after pulling it out. “And you’ve done it beautifully.” she smirked. She turned to leave before he grabbed her by the arm.

“You two just put this whole mission in jeopardy.”

“I think that’s over-stating things.” She answered.

“I was here to do this before you even came. The only reason you're here is because these wanna be pirates.” I stated. He shot me a dark look. Batroc suddenly jumped up, tossing a grenade at us. We all jumped different directions, Steve and Nat landing through a window in the meeting room, me behind a large desk across the room. The force of the explosion sent me back into my thoughts from earlier.

~

“What do you mean you can’t do this?” Steve asked, gesturing between the two of us. After our date we had been almost inseparable. He had helped me with everything after my dads death from the funeral to the cleaning of the house. I could feel my heart growing for him and I was terrified. We surely couldn’t be involved with the lives we lived. Fury had offered me a position in DC that morning. I didn’t have the heart to tell Steve I was leaving, that I had feelings for him, so breaking things off was the only logical option before I fell for him.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore Steve.” I said hauling the bag into my car.

“I just don’t understand. Yesterday everything was fine and now you're acting like you’re leaving,” he said gesturing to my packed bags sitting in the trunk.

“Steve, we've been together non-stop for weeks. I think we both need to find our own paths.” I said leaning against the open truck, arms crossed. 

“What happened to something simple?” he quipped.

“You and I both know that life isn’t possible for us… You need to go figure things out. Get more in touch with this century. I can’t help you do that anymore, I have to move on…” I said.

“So you are leaving.” he snapped.

“I need to be on my own for a while… get my head straight.”

“So you don’t feel anything for me then?” he asked.

“Steve-”

“No, I get it. You can’t admit that there might actually be something here so you’re running.” he said gesturing between the two of us. All I could do was hang my head. He had clocked my game, not that it was a good one to begin with.

“I-I’m sorry…” I said walking to him and looking up at his beautiful eyes. Eyes that now had watched me as I had shared so many of my secrets. Eyes that knew me. He reached out quickly, grabbing my face before kissing me deeply. I felt so many emotions portrayed through it that it made my eyes water in sadness. This poor man had been through so much and I was just leaving him. I was an awful person. He pulled back looking for something in my expression that was anything but sadness. But there was nothing. Only the need to protect my own heart. He nodded his head then, knowing that nothing had changed for me.

“You have a nice life Sarah..” he trailed, taking a step back. I hesitated for a moment, before turning back towards the car and opening the door. Shooting him one more glance before getting in and driving to my new life in DC.

~

“Coulson!” I heard a shout over the flames in the room.

“I’m good,” I said, snapping out of my stupor and pushing my sore body off the floor. The entire ride back to DC was eerily quiet. I hadn’t seen Steve in a year and a half. He was bigger somehow then I remembered. No doubt training and combat fine tuning his skill like they had mine. Nat sat across from me, her gaze back and forth between me and the Captain.

“So like, what’s the story here?” She said pointing to the two of us.

“There’s no story.” Steve snapped, arms crossed over his chest. She shot me a knowing glance and I sheepishly returned a smile and a small shrug. When we landed in DC, we all filed out of the jet in awkward silence. Before Nat turned to me.

“Drinks soon?” she asked.

“Wouldn’t miss it,” I smiled before she turned and left. I turned to walk the other direction but rather bumped into a large wall of muscle. Steve was standing there like a statue, a disapproving look on his face.

“Sir?” I asked, looking up at him.

“Cut the bullshit, why were you really on that ship?”

“I told you. Fury wanted intel, I was there to get it until I got jumped.”

“I don’t believe it. Why would Fury send Natasha to do the same if you were already there?”

“You know Fury. Mission over man. My comms were down, he didn't even know if I was alive.”

“Agent Coulson, you’re requested in Director Fury’s office.” The announcement rang through the hangar.

“Duty calls Cap,” I said, finger saluting him and turning to leave again when he grabbed my arm.

“This conversation is not over.” he said, eyes searching mine, I could see the look of confusion and concern.

“Fine. You wanna talk? Let’s talk.” I said.

“Meet me at my apartment at 21:00 hours” he said before giving me his address. I nodded and left him, heading to Fury’s office with the intel I had received.

“You called for me sir?” I asked to enter his office. He waved me in.

“Excellent job Coulson, you have the package for me?”

“Yes sir, " I said, stepping forward and handing him the stick.

“I’m sorry for the trouble. I wouldn’t have sent you alone if I had known there was going to be a takeover.” he said.

“I know you wouldn’t have sir. At the end of the day I’m okay. The Captain and Romanoff were very helpful.”

“So you’re saying you trust my judgement?” he asked. An odd statement coming from him.

“Sir?” I quipped confused. It wasn’t my job to question his judgement.

“You trust me?” he restated.

“You’ve never given me a reason not to.” I answered.

“Very well. You are a dismissed Agent.”

I nodded to him before turning to leave. The whole encounter threw me off. Fury wasn’t one to ever be questioned. Why did he care if I trusted him or not. He was my boss. The meeting played on my mind the rest of the day as I made myself busy with paperwork and reports. I filed all I needed to about the job before using the Triskelions gym showers and pooping on some clean clothes before driving over to the address Steves had given me.I was heading up to his floor when I heard an exchange…

“I’ll keep my distance.” Steve’s voice sounded.

“Well hopefully not too far,” a woman said. She passed by me on the stairs a moment later. She quickly averted her eyes, as she passed. I could swear I had seen her before. I stopped for a moment pondering as she disappeared down the stairs.

I reached the landing seeing Steve standing stiffly in front of his door, music floating through the door and into the hall.

“Were you just hitting on your neighbor?” I quipped. He shot me with a hush finger before pointing to his door. Immediately jumping into agent mode I got close behind him and drew my weapon. He slowly unlocked the door, entering quietly and swiftly grabbing his shield. We navigated through the dark apartment, music getting louder as we approached the living room.

He turned the corner before relaxing some and leaning on the wall.

“I don’t remember giving you a key.” he said. I turned next to him to see Fury.

“You really think I’d need one? My wife kicked me out…” since when was Fury married.

“Didn’t know you were married.” Steve said.

“There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me.” he said shifting seemingly uncomfortably. 

“I know Nick. That's the problem.” Steve said, flicking the switch for the light. We quickly noticed his disheveled and bloody state. He quickly motioned for us to be silent, before switching the light off manually and turning his phone screen to us.

“EARS EVERYWHERE” it said. Steve and I glanced to each other before looking around.

“I’m sorry to have to do this, but I have no place else to crash. I didn’t interrupt date night did I?” he said before showing us the phone again.

“SHIELD COMPROMISED”

“No worries… who else knows about your wife?” Steve said, playing along. Fury stood up showing us his phone again.

“YOU TWO AND ME”

“Just… my friends,” he said.

“Is that what we are?” Steve said sarcastically.

“That’s up to you two,” he said. Suddenly shots rang out, powerful rounds driving through Furys chest. Steve grabbed me, throwing me behind him before grabbing the injured Fury and dragging him to the other room. I shrugged off my jacket trying to hold it over Furys wounds as he bled and coughed. He looked up to Steve, handing him the flash drive I had given him earlier before griping.

“Don’t… trust.. anyone…” he said before passing out. Steve and I shot each other worried glances before a loud banging came from the door. I woman's voice calling out.

“Captain Rogers,” she said, gun at the ready as she entered. “Captain, I’m Agent 13 of SHIELD Special Service. I’ve been assigned to protect you.” 

“On whose order?” Steve asked. 

“His” She noticed Fury laying on the ground and came to meet me, checking his pulse before helping me apply pressure to his wounds.

“Foxtrot is down, he’s unresponsive, I need EMT’s” she said through a radio she pulled out of her pants.

“Do you have a twenty on the shooter?” she asked us. I clocked him through the window on the roof.

“Steve!” I said pointing to the roof across the way, a shadowy figure ducking and running. Steve took off after him as I stayed to help the women do chest compressions on Fury before the ambulance could arrive. By the time we had made it to the hospital I was covered in Furys blood. It drying and cracking on my skin. Hands, arms, and clothes covered. The room looking into the operation was cold and scary. The doctors working frantically in front of me, Steve, Nat, and Maria.

“Is he gonna make it…” Nat trailed.

“I don’t know…” I said touching her shoulder.

“Tell me about the shooter.” she asked not wavering from her stare from the man on the operating table.

“He’s fast, strong…had a metal arm.” Steve said. I looked to him in shock. A fuckign metal arm? What is with the world.

“Ballistics?” Nat asked.

“Three slugs, no rifling, completely untraceable.” Maria said.

“Soviet-made.” Natasha stated. I could see the wheels turning in her head.

“Yeah…” Maria breathed. Fury then started deteriorating right in front of our eyes. I tried to hold back tears as they worked. His condition worsened before they called it. Fury was so important to me but he was even more so to Natasha. I tried to be strong for her. We all kind of silently hung around until they told us we could say our goodbyes.

Natasha spent the most time with him. I felt numb, standing back against the wall with Steve. I needed to feel grounded, even just for a moment. I slipped my hand into his without asking. He looked down at me, I could tell without turning my head. I was fixed on Nat. His hand squeezed mine in reassurance, not minding our past, knowing I just needed support.

“I need to take him,” Maria said from beside us. Steve lightly dropped my hand before heading to Nat.

“Natasha.” he said lightly. She placed a hand on Furys head before turning and storming out.

“Natasha!” I yelled after her. Steve hurriedly followed me out after her as well.

“Why were you at Steve's apartment?”

“Nat…” I trailed, almost hurt by her accusatory tone.

“Fine you won't answer me, maybe he will.” She said looking at Steve. “What was Fury doing in your apartment?”

“I don’t know…” he said.

“Cap, they want you back at SHIELD. Coulson, you too.” Rumlow chimed from down the hallway.

“Yeah, give me a second.” Steve said.

“They want you now.” Rumlow restated.

“Okay.” Steve said in a more authoritative tone.

“You two are horrible liars.” Nat chided before turning and walking off. I gave Steve another sympathetic smile before turning to walk towards Rumlow. Steve joined us a minute later after looking after Nat and I wondered if there was something between them.

“STRIKE move out,” Rumlow said as we followed him down the hall to the vans.

“Coulson you take the back vehicle,” Rumlow said pointing to a separate van then the one Steve was getting in. We both shot each other a look of suspicion. Everything in my body was screaming that something was wrong and I couldn’t place my finger on it. The ride back to the Triskelion was quiet, members of the STRIKE team on either side of me, something I had never had before. The escort felt like I was a prisoner.

Once back we were back we were escorted into the building by STRIKE. 

“Pierce wants to see both of you in his office in 20 minutes.”  Rumlow said. The team was still lingering. I needed a way to get Steve alone. I placed a hand on his arm.

“Captain Rogers, do you mind escorting me to get a coffee before we head up?” I said. He caught on to my ploy. We needed to convince STRIKE that we had no clue what was going on.

“Yes Agent Coulson,” he said before we both turned against Rumlow and walked off. 

“Somethings not right, I have a bad feeling.” I said as we walked.

“I picked up on that too. I think we need to suit up.”

“I agree. Suit up and let’s meet back at Pierces office in 10.” he nodded in agreement before turning on his heel and walking towards the men's lockers. I slipped into my stealth suit, much like Natashas and headed to Pierces office. Agent 13 was walking away with a solemn look on her face. Unfriendly words passed between her and the Captain.

“Ah Captain. Agent Coulson. I’m Alexander Pierce.” The older gentleman side shaking both of our hands.

“It’s an honor sir,” Steve responded.

“The honor is mine, Captain. My father served in the 101st. Come on in.” He said, motioning us both in. He handed me an older looking photo, I studied it for a moment before handing it to Steve.

“What is this,” I asked.

“That photo was taken five years after Nick and I met. When I was at State Department in Bogota. ELN rebels took the embassy, and security got me out, but the rebels took hostages. Nick was deputy chief for the SHIELD station there. And he comes to me with a plan. He wants to storm the building through the sewers. I said, "No, we'll negotiate." Turned out the ELN didn't negotiate, so they put out a kill order. They stormed the basement, and what did they find? They find it empty. Nick had ignored my direct order and carried out an unauthorized military operation on foreign soil. He saved the lives of a dozen political officers, including my daughter.” Pierce explained.

“So you gave him a promotion?” I asked.

“I’ve never had any cause to regret it.” He said as we all sat. “Captain, why was Nick in your apartment last night?” he asked.

“I don’t know.” Steve responded.

“You know it was bugged?” 

“I did because he told me.” Steve said.

“Did he tell you he was the one who bugged it?” Pierce said before turning to me. “And why were you there Agent?” I could feel Steve's eyes boring into me. I needed to come up with something he would shy away from. Clearly it needed to be unimportant. I realistically didn’t have a good reason for being there.

“Captain Rogers was loaning me a record.” I thought back to the small details I noticed about his apartment in the brief moment I was there. Agent 13 clearly had been keeping tabs on Steve so I needed a reason to only be there once. Pierce shot me a look. It had worked for now.

“I want to show you something.” he said using the clicker to put something on the TV. It was the pirate from the ship we had been on days prior.

“Is this live?” I asked.

“Yeah, they picked him up last night in a not-so-safe house in Algiers.”

“Are you saying he's a suspect? Assassination isn't Batroc's line.” Steve said.

“No, it's more complicated than that. Batroc was hired anonymously to attack the Lemurian Star and he was contacted by e-mail and paid by wire transfer. And then the money was run through seventeen fictitious accounts, the last one going to a holding company that was registered to a Jacob Veech.” Pierce said, handing Steve a file.

“Are we supposed to know who that is?” I asked.

“Not likely. Veech died six years ago. His last address was 14-35 Elmhurst Drive. When I first met Nick his mother lived at 14-37.”

“Are you accusing Fury of hiring the pirates? Why would he do that?” I quipped.

“The prevailing theory was that the hijacking was a cover for the acquisition and sale of classified intelligence. The sale went sour and that led to Nick's death.” I could feel Steve’s eyes on me again. Pierce clearly had no clue about me or Nat’s directive on that ship.

“If you really knew Fury you’d know that’s not true.” Steve said.

“Why do you think we're talking? See, I took a seat on the Council not because I wanted to but because Nick asked me to, because we were both realists. We knew that despite all the diplomacy and the handshaking and the rhetoric, that to build a really better world sometimes means having to tear the old one down. And that makes enemies. Those people that call you dirty because you got the guts to stick your hands in the mud and try to build something better. And the idea that those people could be happy today, makes me really, really angry.”  he hesitated for a moment. “Captain, you and Sarah were the last ones to see Nick alive. I don't think that's an accident, and I don't think you do either. So I'm gonna ask again, why was he there?”

“He told me not to trust anyone.” Steve responded.

“I wonder if that included him?” Pierce said.

“I'm sorry. Those were his last words. Excuse us.” Steve said, getting up and putting his shield on his back, it clicking quietly in place.

“Captain.” Steve stopped turning to look at Pierce as I stood from my chair to meet him. “Somebody murdered my friend and I'm gonna find out why. Anyone gets in my way, they're gonna regret it. Anyone.”

“Understood.” Steve said.

“Oh and, don't forget, SHIELD is very strict about their fraternization policy.” He gestured between the two of us.

“Yes, sir.” Steve said before turning on his heels and walking out. I followed him down the hallway to the elevators.

“I think we need to split up.” I said.

“Operations control.” he said as we entered the elevator. “Think you can sneak down to Furys office and see what you can find on Project Insight?”

“I can try but with Furys death who knows who's gonna be down there and Project Insight?” I asked.

“I’ll catch you up to speed when I can.” He said, just then the doors opened. Rumlow and a couple other guys looked up to see us. We made eye contact as I exited the elevator.

“Sarah?” Steve said.

“Yes?” I turned back.

“Be careful…” he said before greeting Rumlow and the elevator doors shut.

I quickly rushed down to Furys office, it was crawling with agents ripping things apart.

“Pssst.” I quickly looked behind me to see Natasha hidden in the corner of the hallway.

“What are you doing…” I whispered back. She waved me over.

“We have to get out of here.” she said. “You’re in danger.”

“I’m aware of that…” Just then an announcement sounded from above.

“Mobilize STRIKE units, 25th floor.”

“C’mon!” She said darting off and to the stairwell. As we fled, a team started chasing us down the stairs. Guns drawn, we both made whatever shots we could. Nat throwing multiple stingers as we fought the men off.

“Agent Coulson STAND DOWN” another announcement sounded. After a flurry of fighting, guns, and escaping we managed to grab a SHIELD vehicle and tear it out of there.

“What the hell is going on.” Nat asked.

“Pierce said something about Fury hiring the pirates to gain intelligence from Lumerian Star. He wanted to know what Nick said to us that night in Steve's apartment.”

“So they’re after what we took from the ship?” she asked.

“It’s the only thing I can think of. The 3 of us were the only ones who knew about the drive.” I said.

“Well Steve’s surely in the wind now, we’re gonna be on our own.” she said. I thought for a second when it dawned on me.

“Wait…maybe not. We need to go back to the hospital.”

~

I was in hiding waiting for Steve to make his way back to the hospital. My theory had been right, and Nat was more than happy to chomp on the gum that had been hiding the drive with me. He showed up just as I had suspected, an oversized hoodie hiding his identity. I stepped behind him popping my gum in the reflection. He saw me before whipping around and pushing me into teh empty room Nat and I had been hiding in.

“Where is it.” He said gruffly.

“It’s safe.” 

“Do better.”

“Where did you get it?” Nat asked from next to us. He still had me pinned to the wall.

“Why would I tell you?” he snapped at her.

“Fury gave it to him.” I said. He whipped his head back to me.

“What’s on it.” he asked.

“We don’t know.” I said nodding to me and Nat.

“Stop lying!”

“I only act like I know everything, Rogers.” I snapped back.

“You knew Fury hired the pirates, didn't you? That’s why you were there first.” he said.

“Excuse me?”

“The ship was dirty. Fury needed a way in and so do you.” Nat quipped again.

“I’m not gonna ask again.” Steve said dangerously close to my face. His eyes were flicking back and forth over my features. Our breath subtly mixing in the close proximity.

“I know who killed Fury…” Nat interrupted us. “Most of the intelligence community doesn't believe he exists, the ones who do call him the Winter Soldier. He's credited with over two dozen assassinations in the last fifty years.”

“So he’s a ghost story.” Steve said still locked on me.

“Five years ago I was escorting a nuclear engineer out of Iran, somebody shot out my tires near Odessa. We lost control, went straight over a cliff, I pulled us out, but the Winter Soldier was there. I was covering my engineer, so he shot him straight through me.” She lifted her shirt and showed us her scar. “Soviet slug, no rifling. Bye-bye bikinis.”

“Yeah cause I bet you look awful in them now.” I joked, Steve's eyes neer wavering from mine.

“Going after him is a dead end. I know, I’ve tried. Like you said, he’s a ghost story.” he finally turned to look at her. She took the drive from her pocket and handed it to him.

“Then let’s go see what the ghost wants.” he said, a hint of a mile playing on his lips as he looked at me.

~

The three of us walked through the mall all dressed like normal people now.

“First rule of going on the run is, don't run, walk.” Nat joked.

“If I run in these shoes they’ll fall off.” Steve said. I giggled and he smiled at me. The glasses he was wearing made me weak in the knees. Close proximity to Steve again was hashing up old feelings and I wasn’t sure how long I could keep the ruse.

“You guys go. I’m gonna split off and keep watch. No comms so we’re running blind. I’ll meet you at the escalators in 20.” I said breaking off. Steve watched me leave as I walked away. I kept watch as they entered the apple store. They had nine minutes to track the info and get out of there. I kept time before watching them leave the store. Steve clocked me from the third floor and I split off in the other direction. I could see the tach teams following from in front and behind. I quickly took the stairs by the food court and over to the last set of escalators they would be taking. I walked to the end just in time to see Steve and Nat fully kissing on the escalator. 

So my earlier suspicion of their budding relationship was accurate. My spirits immediately fell. My heart broke just a little watching them walk toward me. I pretended I didn’t see but I caught Steve’s eyes.

“Let’s go.” I snapped at them. We booked it to the parking lot where Steve hot wired a truck and took off.

I was sitting in the back, arms crossed, in a pissy mood.

“Where are we even going?” I snapped looking out the windows.

“New Jersey,” Nat answered. “Where did Captain America learn how to steal a car?”

“Nazi, Germany,” Steve said. “And we’re borrowing. Take your feet off the dash.”

Nat huffed, sliding her feet off the dashboard and sitting up.

“Alright, I have a question for you, oh, which you do not have to answer. I feel like if you don't answer it though, you're kind of answering it, you know?” Nat started rambling.

“What?”

“Was that your first kiss since 1945?” I couldn’t even believe she was even acknowledging it. I saw his eyes flick to me in the rearview mirror.

“That bad, huh?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Well it kinda sounds like that’s what you’re saying.” They bickered back and forth.

“No, I didn't. I just wondered how much practice you've had.”

“You don’t need practice.”

“Everybody needs practice.”

“It was not my first kiss since 1945. I’m ninety-five, not dead.” He said eyes flicking to me in the rearview again. This time I caught them and we both silently stared for a moment, before I rolled my eyes and looked away.

“Wait a second…so there IS a story here. I knew it.” She said sitting up proudly in her seat and looking back and forth between the two of us triumphantly.

“There’s no story.” I said, crossing my arms.

“There could have been,” he said.

“Did you guys hook up?” Nat asked.

“NO.” Both Steve and I said loudly.

“That’s right, Sarah would’ve told me. Are you still a virgin?” She said, looking at me. My eyes went wide in embarrassment.

“NATASHA.” I shouted.

“Oh sorry…” she apologized to me smiling.

“I’m gonna kill you.”

“You couldn’t if you tried.” she quipped. Steve was laughing in the driver's seat.

“I don’t know what you’re laughing about Rogers.” Nat joked.

“Don’t bring me into this.” he said, throwing the hand that wasn’t on the steering well up.

“It’s a personal choice.” I snarked, crossing my arms over again.

“And you made this personal choice becauseee” she teased.

“My dad made me promise when I started high school, and then I just got busy.”

“Busy?” she laughed.

“Yes busy, and then I lived with dad and after he passed it just didn’t seem…important.” I shrugged.

“Well let me be the first one to tell you you’re both wildly missing out.” She laughed.

“I said don’t bring me into this!” Steve quipped again.

“Just so you know. We kissed because Rumlow was coming up the escalator.” Nat winked at me. I blushed out of embarrassment that I had been so upset.

~

After a while we pulled up outside an abandoned military base.

“This is it,” Steve said.

“The file came from these coordinates.” Nat said as we all piled out.

“So did I,” Steve said. “This is where I was trained.”

“Changed much?” I laughed.

“A little.” he said. I could tell he was going over memories in his head. 

“This is a dead end. Zero heat signature, zero waves, not even radio. Whoever wrote the file must have used a router to throw people off.” Nat said. Steve clocked something a couple hundred feet away.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Army regulations forbid storing ammunition within five hundred yards of the barracks. This building is in the wrong place.” He said as he urging us to follow him. With one swift swing he cracked the lock open on the barracks door. We pressed inside and I located a large switch. I pushed it up and the lights came to life revealing the old office.

“This is SHIELD.” I said.

“Maybe where it started.” Steve said. We pushed forward, coming to a room where there was portraits lining the walls.

“That's Tony’s father.” I said.

“Howard,” he stated.

“Who’s the girl?” Nat asked, looking at him. We were ignored but I knew who it was. Nick had talked about her, and my dad had gushed many times about Peggy Carter when he regaled me of the stories of Captain America. My heart broke for him. We stumbled upon another room that was lined with large bookshelves.

“If you're already working in a secret office…” he said, pushing back the book cases to reveal a secret door. “Why do you need to hide the elevator?” I looked to him tentatively, and Nat shot me the same nervous glare. We got in teh elevator, riding it down to a secret room full of computers.

“What is all this?” I asked.

“This can't be the data-point, this technology is ancient.” Nat said before she noticed something. She walked over to the computer and placed the stick drive in a port. The computer came to life.

Initiate System?

“Y-E-S, spells yes. "Shall we play a game?", “ she looked at Steve. “It's from a movie that-”

“Yeah I saw it” Steve rolled his eyes. A voice kicked up shortly after startling us.

“Rogers, Steven. Born, 1918. Romanoff, Natasha avalia. Born, 1984. Coulson, Sarah. Born, 1994.” The voice said, a camera following us.

“It’s some kind of recording.” I said.

 “I am not a recording, Fräulein. I may not be the man I was when the Captain took me prisoner in 1945, but I am.” The computer showing a face pop up in static.

“Do you know this thing?” Nat asked.

“Arnim Zola was a German scientist who worked for the Red Skull. He's been dead for years.” Steve answered.

“First correction, I am Swiss. Second, look around you. I have never been more alive. In 1972 I received a terminal diagnosis. Science could not save my body, my mind, however, that was worth saving on two hundred thousand feet of data banks. You are standing in my brain.”

“How did you get here?” I asked the screen.

“Invited,” he quipped.

“It was Operation Paperclip after World War II. SHIELD recruited German scientists with strategic value.” Nat said.

“They thought I could help their cause. But I also helped my own.”

“HYDRA died with the Red Skull.” Steve snapped.

“Cut off one head, two more shall take its place.” Zola said.

“Prove it.” Steve said.

“Accessing archive.” The computer screen started to show old footage of Zola and the Red Skull. “HYDRA was founded on the belief that humanity could not be trusted with its own freedom. What we did not realize, was that if you try to take that freedom, they resist. The war taught us much. Humanity needed to surrender its freedom willingly. After the war, SHIELD was founded and I was recruited. The new HYDRA grew. A beautiful parasite inside SHIELD. For seventy years HYDRA has been secretly feeding crisis, reaping war. And when history did not cooperate, history was changed.”

“That’s impossible, SHIELD would have stopped you.” Natasha said.

“Accidents will happen.” The screen showed files from Howard and Marias death all the way to Furys. “HYDRA created a world so chaotic that humanity is finally ready to sacrifice its freedom to gain its security. Once the purification process is complete, HYDRA's new world order will arise. We won, Captain. Your death amounts to the same as your Life; a zero sum.”

Steve got angry and punched the screen cracking it.

“As I was saying…”

“What’s on this drive?” I asked.

“Project Insight requires Insight. So I wrote an algorithm.” Zola said.

“What kind of algorithm? What does it do?” I urged.

“The answer to your question is fascinating. Unfortunately, you shall be too dead to hear it.” Zola said, we all whipped around to look towards the elevator. The doors were closing. Steve hurled his shield but it was too late. 

“Guys, we got a bogey. Short range ballistic. 30 seconds tops.” Nat said looking at her phone.

“Who fired it?!” I said.

“SHIELD.”

“I am afraid I have been stalling, Captain. Admit it, it's better this way. We're both of us...out of time.” Zola continued. I frantically looked around to find something, anything that we could do. Steve grabbed a metal grate in the ground and tossed it out of the hole. 

“Here!” He shouted. Nat and I both rushed to the opening jumping in and huddling together as Steve covered all of us with his shield. The missile hit and covered us in ash, debris, and rubble. Darkness fell over us. I looked up to Steve as i'm in his arms.

“Are you okay?” He asked. Our heavy breath filling the silence as the aftermath settled.

“I’m okay. Nats knocked out.” I said checking her pulse and her body for injuries. He started pushing the rubble up, the heavy concrete making it difficult for him.

“C’mon,” he said, picking up Natasha fireman style. Once out of the rubble we were able to take in our surroundings, or what was left of them.

“Steve, there's drones coming,” I said. We took off back towards the truck, putting a groggy Natasha in the back and getting the hell out of dodge.

~

“Is she okay?” he asked, speeding away.

“She’ll be okay. Just hit her head. I’ll check her for a concussion when she wakes up.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes I’m fine Steve.” I reassured him.

“Like, mentally I mean.” he rephrased.

“I’ll be okay. How are you? That’s a lot to take in. You died for the cause Steve, and it was for nothing.”

“I guess I’m in the wrong business.” he said.

“I owe you my life Steve.” I said.

“If it was the other way around I know you’d save mine.”

“And you’re sure about that?”

“I am. I’m always honest.” he laughed.

“Is that a symptom of the serum?” I teased.

“Symptoms of being a good person.” he said. His free hand was resting on the center console of the truck. I took it in mine, interlacing our fingers. He looked over to me and smiled.

“I’ve missed you.” he blurted after a couple moments of silence.

“I’ve missed you too.” I admitted.

“Are we ever going to talk about it?”

“Do you want to talk about?” I asked.

“I’ve never stopped thinking about you Sarah. Nats even tried sending me on dates and I always just come back to you and the time we spent together after New York.” he said.

“What about your neighbor?” I teased. He dipped his head, ears red.

“She’s not you…” he said. We both smiled at each other.

“Are you two gonna get a room?” Nat said from the backseat, startling us.

“How are you feeling?” I asked, turning around in my seat.

“Like I got hit with a brick.” she said sitting up and rubbing her head.

“Where are we going?” she asked.

“To somewhere safe…” Steve trailed.

~

Soon we were out of the truck and walking up the side porch of a smaller white house. We all looked like shit. Covered in soot and disheveled. Steve knocked on the door and a handsome African American man answered.

“Hey man…” he said.

“I’m sorry about this. We need a place to lay low.” Steve said.

“Everyone we know is trying to kill us.” I added. He paused for a moment before stepping to the side to let us in.

“Not everyone,” he said. He let us clean up in his room for a while. I was in the bathroom when I could hear Steve and Nat talking for a while. I didn’t want to interfere so I left them to their own devices.

“I made breakfast…if you guys eat that sort of thing.” I heard Sam’s voice chime before there was silence. Knowing the coast was clear I gave my hair one last brush before stepping out to go and join them. Though an empty room was not what I was greeted with. Steve was standing in the corner waiting for me.

“Is everything okay?” I asked.

“We need to talk.”

“About-”

“Yes.” he said, going to sit on the edge of the bed.

“Why did you leave?” he added.

“Steve, you know why I left.”

“I need to hear you say it.”

“Steve-”

“Say it.” he said. I joined him on the end of the bed sitting next to him.

“I was scared. I had feelings for you, and it was too much. You had barely started joining the world again. I couldn't stop you. Everyone I love dies…” I said. He took my hands in his running his thumb up and down my hand.

“You HAD feelings?”

“I did…”

“And now?” he asked.

“Steve…” I breathed.

“Look, you don’t need to answer now. Just promise me that when this is all over maybe we can start fresh.” The look of hope in his eyes with his words made my heart shatter. I wanted to give him the world, but my fear was far greater than my feelings. I wasn’t sure how to answer. I caressed his face in my hand, drawing him into me instead. It had been two years since we had kissed and it was still as electric as I remembered our goodbye kiss to be. Our lips expressed everything we were feeling. His tongue darting out for permission I welcomed as our kiss deepend. 

“Hey are you guys eat-” Nat interrupted. “Oh I’m sorry.” She quickly walked out after catching us. Steve and I smiled at each other, our hands returning to each others.

“So do I need practice?” he laughed. 

~

“So the question is: who in SHIELD could launch a domestic missile strike?” Nat asked.

“Pierce.” Steve answered.

“Who happens to be sitting on top of the most secure building in the world.” I quipped.

“But he's not working alone, Zola's algorithm was on the Lemurian Star.” Steve said.

“So was Jasper Sitwell…” I trailed.

“So, the real question is: how do the two most wanted people in Washington kidnap a SHIELD officer in broad daylight?” Steve asked.

“The answer is you don’t” Sam said, dropping a file on the table.

“What’s this?” Steve asked taking the file and skimming  through it.

“Call it a resume.” Sam answered.

“Is this Bakhmala? The Khalid Khandil mission, that was you.” Nat said looking at one of the photos. “You didn't say he was a para-rescue.” She said to Steve.

“Is this Riley?” Steve asked him.

“Yeah…” Sam answered. I placed a hand on Sams shoulder. I didn’t need to hear to know he had been killed.

“I heard they couldn't bring in the choppers because of the RPGs. What did you use, a stealth chute?” Nat asked.

“No. These.” Sam said handing us another part of the file.

“I thought you said you were a pilot.” Steve quipped, impressed.

“I never said pilot.”

“I can’t ask you to do this, Sam. You got out for a good reason.”  Steve said.

“Dude, Captain America needs my help. There's no better reason to get back in.” Sam answered.

“So where the hell do we get one of these things.” I asked.

“The last one is at Fort Meade, behind three guarded gates and a twelve-inch steel wall.” Sam replied sarcastically.

“Shouldn’t be a problem,” Steve said, throwing down the file.

“Sounds like a good time.” I laughed and we all smiled at each other.

~

“Coulson, are you in position?” Nat asked over comms.

“Affirmative.” I said perched on the roof across the street from the target, gun at the ready.

“Making the call now.” Sam said. We all heard the phone ring for a moment before Sitwell picked up.

“Yes sir?” Sitwell said.

“Agent Sitwell, how was lunch? I hear the crab cakes here are delicious.” Sam said.

“Who is this?”

“The good looking guy in the sunglasses, your ten o'clock.” Sitwell looked around not seeing Sam. “Your other ten o'clock. There you go.”

“What do you want?”

“You're gonna go around the corner, to your right. There's a grey car, two spaces down. You and I are gonna take a ride.” Sam said.

“And why would I do that?” Sitwell asked. That was my cue. I readied the weapon taking aim directly at Sitwells chest.

“Because that tie looks really expensive, and I'd hate to mess it up”

It wasn’t long before Sitwell was with us on the roof. Steve tossed him through the door to the building I was on, Nat following closely behind.

“Tell me about Zola’s algorithm.” Steve urged.

“Never heard of it.” Sitwell answered.

“What were you doing on the Lemurian Star?” At this point Sitwell was backed all the way up to the ledge. Almost tripping before Steve grabbed him by the suit jacket.

“I was throwing up, I get seasick. Is this little display meant to insinuate that you're gonna throw me off the roof? Because it's really not your style, Rogers.” Sitwell taunted. Steve gave me a look and shook my head.

“You’re right it’s not.” Steve said fixing Jaspers jacket. “It’s hers.” Steve stepped to the side giving me the perfect opportunity to send a kick to Jaspers chest heaving him over the edge of the building. As Jasper fell Nat used the silence to bug us further.

“So like would you guys be losing your virginity to each other or…” We both shot her a glare before Sam came flying up the side of the building with Jasper in hand before dropping him in front of us.

“Zola's algorithm is a program...for choosing Insight's targets!”

“What targets?” Nat and I chimed.

“You! A TV anchor in Cairo, the Undersecretary of Defense, a high school valedictorian in Iowa city. Bruce Banner, Stephen Strange, anyone who's a threat to HYDRA! Now, or in the future.” Jasper sang like a canary.

“The future? How could it know?” Steve asked before Sitwell laughed loudly.

“How could it not? The 21st century is a digital book. Zola taught HYDRA how to read it. Your bank records, medical histories, voting patterns, e-mails, phone calls, your damn SAT scores. Zola's algorithm evaluates people's past to predict their future.”

“And what then?” Steve asked.

“Oh, my God. Pierce is gonna kill me.”

“Not if I do first.” I joked.

“What then?” Steve repeated.

“Then the Insight Helicarriers scratch people off the list. A few million at a time….”

~

We all rushed to the car, throwing Jasper in before taking off down the highway.

“HYDRA doesn’t like leaks” Jasper chimed next to me. How I got middle was beyond me.

“Shut up.” I said next to him.

“Insight's launching in sixteen hours, we're cutting it a little bit close here.” Nat said playfully.

“I know. We'll use him to bypass the DNA scans and access the Helicarriers directly.” Steve said.

“What?! Are you crazy? That is a terrible, terrible idea-” Jasper was cut off as a loud thud came from the top of the car. A metal arm breaking through the window, grabbing the man, and throwing him out of the vehicle to his death.

‘What the hell?” I shouted, pulling my weapon and firing it into the car roof. At this point there waa a frenzy of bullets. Nat was in Steve’s lap and I was covering Sam. A hand coming through the windshield and yanking the steering wheel right off of the car. Sam and I locking eyes when that happened in a ‘did you see what the fuck just happened’ moment.

“Hang on!” Steve shouted loudly as the car started to roll, all four of us somehow piling on top of Steve and skidding on the street on top of the car door. Sam and I quickly rolled off as the door slid slower. The Winter Soldier was hot on our trail, a grenade sending Steve to the street below the underpass. Nat was gone and Sam and I were fighting the goons.

“Grab that AR! I’m going down there!” I yelled as I noticed the Winter Soldier dropping to the street below to chase Nat. Sam did as he was told, providing cover fire. I attached my keeper to a car quickly as I ran, jumping off the overpass and down to the street below. The soldier was after Nat, firing his weapon and hitting her.

“Солдат!” I yelled from behind as I tackled the soldier. I needed to distract him long enough for Nat to get away. He quickly tossed me off his back, rolling to the ground before I stood back up proudly ready to take him on.

“Принес пистолет на ножевую драку? Кажется несправедливым.” (brought a gun to a knife fight? Seems  unfair) I said taking out my blade. He smirked before holstering his weapon and taking out a knife of his own.

“Ну что ж, тогда это будет честный бой.” (ah well, a fair fight then). He charged at me with those words and we began our dance of violence. The fight was close and dangerous, our skills wielding a blade fairly closely matched. I was able to get a few licks in slashing the exposed skin on his upper cheek, which made him that much angrier. Done with the knife fight he must have decided it was time to use pure strength, lifting me by the neck and throwing me against a nearby vehicle. I groaned as I tried sitting up, the  wind knocked out of me. I stared at him intently as he repulled his weapon and pointed it at me, about to kill me before Steve jumped in from nowhere.

“Run!” he shouted as he began a combative dance with the soldier now. I hadn’t even realized he had cut my arm until I made it to Nat.

“You’re bleeding.” she said concerned. 

“You are too.” I said pointing out the gun wound and we both sorta painfully chuckled. A moment later sirens wailed from all around us before we were all surrounded and thrown in handcuffs.

~

“It was him. He looked right at me like he didn't even know me.” Steve said sadly.

“How's that even possible? It was like seventy years ago.” Sam said.

“Zola. Bucky's whole unit was captured in '43, Zola experimented on him. Whatever he did helped Bucky survive the fall. They must have found him and…” Steve trailed off.

“None of that was your fault Steve.” I said, shooting him a sympathetic smile.

“Even when I had Bucky I had nothing…” he trailed again.

“Can we all just acknowledge how badass Sarah is? You just had a knife fight with the Winter Soldier.” Sam said impressed.

“You guys would’ve done the same for me.” I said shyly.

“Uh no- I was trying to get the hell out of there. That was seriously hot Coulson.” Nat said before shifting uncomfortably, both of us were covered in our own blood at that point.

“We need to get a doctor here. We don't put pressure on that wound she's gonna bleed out here in the truck.” I said to the goons in the back referring to Nat. The guard whipped out an electric stick waving it towards me before knocking out the other guard. We all looked confused as the person took off their helmet revealing Agent Hill.

“Hill!” I said excitedly.

“Ugh that thing was squeezing my brain.” She said looking around, her eyes falling to Sam. “Who’s the guy?”

Hill quickly broke us out of the van before loading us into a new vehicle and taking us to a secret location. Sam helped Nat of the van carting her off after Maria. Steve helping me as he visualized my wound for the first time.

“You need to get that looked at…” He said concerned.

“It’s just a flesh wound. I’ll be fine soon.” I sent him a smile as we walked behind the group.

“GSW. She's lost at least a pint.” Hill said.

“Maybe two,” Sam chimed.

“Let me take her.” The doctor that was running towards us said.

“She has a bad cut too,” Hill said motioning to me. “But they’ll wanna see him first.”

Steve and I both looked at each other confused. They led us to a room where much to all of our collective shock Fury was laid up in bed. Very much alive. The doctor started working on us, Hill giving me stitches as he held Nats wound.

“Lacerated spinal column, cracked sternum, shattered collarbone, perforated liver, one hell of a headache.” Fury listed.

“Don’t forget your collapsed lung.” The doctor sang from the corner.

“Oh, let's not forget that. Otherwise, I'm good.” Fury chuckled.

“They cut you open, your heart stopped.” Nat said.

“Tetrodotoxin B. Slows the pulse to one beat a minute. Banner developed it for stress. Didn't work so great for him, but we found a use for it.”

“Why all the secrecy? Why not just tell us?” I asked.

“Any attempt on the director's life had to look successful.” Hill said, cutting my sutures.

“Can't kill you if you're already dead. Besides, I wasn't sure who to trust.” Fury said, looking to all of us.

~

Later after our wounds were treated we all gathered around a table, tired and beaten.

“This man declined a Nobel Peace Prize….” Fury said holding a photo of Director Pierce. “He said, "Peace wasn't an achievement, it was a responsibility." See, it's stuff like this that gives me trust issues”

“We have to stop that launch.” I said next to Steve.

“I don't think the Council's accepting my calls anymore.” Fury joked before opening a case and showing us 3 chips.

“What’s that?” Sam asked.

“Once the Helicarriers reach three thousand feet, they'll triangulate with Insight satellites becoming fully weaponized.” Maria showed us on a computer.

“We need to breach those carriers and replace their targeting blades with our own.” Fury said.

“One or two won't cut it. We need to link all three carriers for this to work, because if even one of those ships remains operational a whole lot of people are gonna die.” Maria added. I sighed and crossed my arms. Steve looking to me he could tell I was frustrated and tired.

“We have to assume everyone aboard those carriers is HYDRA. We need to get pass them, insert the server blades, and maybe, just maybe, we can salvage what's left-” Steve interrupted him before he could finish.

“We're not salvaging anything. We're not just taking down the carriers, Nick, we're taking down SHIELD.”

“SHIELD has nothing to do with it.” Fury responded.

“You gave me this mission, this is how it ends. SHIELD's been compromised, you said so yourself. HYDRA grew right under your nose and nobody noticed.” 

“Why do you think we're meeting in this cave? I noticed.” Fury said.

“And how many paid the price before you did?” I said for Steve. I knew where this was going.

“Look, I didn't know about Barnes…” Fury trailed.

“Even if you have, would you have told me? Or would you have compartmentalized that too? SHIELD, HYDRA, it all goes.” Steve finished.

“He’s right.” Hill added.

Fury looked to us all.

“Coulson?” he asked me, I could feel the eyes in the room shift to me.

“Dad would have never let this continue… SHIELD goes for him too.” I said before Fury looked to Sam.

“Don't look at me. I do what he does, just slower.” Sam said referring to Steve.

“Well... Looks like you're giving the orders now, Captain.”

~

I noticed Steve’s absence a little while later. 

“Sam? You know where Cap went?” I asked.

“I think up to the bridge… Wanna go with me?” He asked.

“Sure.” I said following him to the outside doors and up the stairs to the top of the bridge we were in. He was standing in the middle taking in the view, no doubt lost in his thoughts.

“You go first,” Sam said, gesturing to Steve. I gave him a look before going up to the super soldier.

“Penny for your thoughts.” I said.

“Just thinking about Bucky…”

“Would be hard not to.” I said.

“I’m sorry he- he isn’t Bucky anymore. The way he didn’t recognize me? He would’ve never hurt you.” he said.

“Well we know somethings not right. The way you vouch for him… I know he’s worth fighting for.” The look in Steve's eyes when I said that twisted my heart.

“You have no idea how much it means to hear you say that,” he said. “Just- whatever happens today. Promise me you’ll be safe?” 

“You know me Steve. I’ll do whatever it takes to make things right.” he turned to me when I said that taking my hands.

“After this is all over… Stay with me.” he said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Steve-”

“No. You don’t have an excuse now. SHIELD, work, all of it will be gone. Just promise me you’ll think about it.”

“I’ll think about it…” I said. He shot me a small smile before Sam interrupted us with a cough.

“He's gonna be there, you know?”

“I know.” Steve responded.

“Look, whoever he used to be, the guy he is now, I don't think he's the kind you save. He's the kind you stop.” Sam said.

“I don't know if I can do that.”

“Well, he might not give you a choice. He doesn't know you.” Sam said.

“He will. Gear up, it's time.” Steve said before kissing my hand and turning back to the doors to walk away.

“You gonna wear that?” I asked.

“No. If you're gonna fight a war, you gotta wear a uniform.” he said smiling back at us both. Sam and shot each other a look before heading back inside.

“Coulson.” Fury said from the table, calling me over.

“Yes sir?” I asked him. He stood up after some discomfort and  walked round the table to me.

“After the battle of New York I thought it would be best to keep my eye on you. You have proven yourself at every twist and turn I have given you.”

“Thank you sir.”

“That being said. I spoke to Mr. Stark to help me commission something for you.” He said picking up a remote and pressing a button. A whoosh came from a box next to us before it opened and revealed what was inside. I was stunned as I approached the suit. It was all black, the seams being an electric blue. It looked like a mix of Nats suit and Tonys.

“He calls it Nano tech. Something he’s working on. He calls it Shadow.”

“Shadow…” I said, running my hands over the suit.

“Whoa! That is seriously cool!” Sam said walking in behind us.

“Welcome to the Avengers Miss Coulson.”

~

A little while later, after slipping on my suit we all met in the woods outside the Triskelion where Steve told us to be. Fury and Nat slipping to their respective places. We heard Steve approach us and whipped around, seeing him in his sold uniform from the 1940’s. He looked even better than the photos had portrayed.

“Nice suit,” I chimed. I was fully enveloped in mine at this point.

“Sarah?” he asked, eyes wide.

“Pretty cool right?” I said doing a twirl showing off the new suit.

“Where’d you get that?” he asked.

“Fury had Stark make it for me after New York. I’m not even sure what it really does yet. Calls it Shadow” I said.

“You know I really don’t like the idea of you being up there.” he said.

“We need 3 people to take down the carriers and Nat is the only one who can bust Pierce’s computer. I’ll be okay.” I promised.

“C’mon, Natasha should almost be inside. We need to move.” Hill said before leading us to the Triskelion. We managed to sneak into the tech area without being noticed. A young technician opening the door wide eyed.

“Excuse us.” Steve said politely before making his way to the desk, hitting the mic.

“Attention, all SHIELD agents. This is Steve Rogers. You've heard a lot about me over the last few days, some of you were even ordered to hunt me down. But I think it's time you know the truth. SHIELD is not what we thought it was, it's been taken over by HYDRA. Alexander Pierce is their leader. The STRIKE and Insight crew are HYDRA as well. I don't know how many more, but I know they're in the building. They could be standing right next to you. They almost have what they want: absolute control. They shot Nick Fury and it won't end there. If you launch those Helicarriers today, HYDRA will be able to kill anyone that stands in their way, unless we stop them. I know I'm asking a lot, but the price of freedom is high, it always has been, and it's a price I'm willing to pay. And if I'm the only one, then so be it. But I'm willing to bet I'm not.” 

“Did you write that down first, or was it off the top of your head?” Sam asked Steve.

“Kinda makes me feel patriotic.” I joked before we all ran to the carriers.

“Hey, Cap, how do we know the good guys from the bad guys?” Sam asked.

“If they’re shooting at you they’re bad.” Steve responded before Sam extended his wings and took off. A second later shooting erupts and Steve and I go into fight mode. 

“Hey, guys, I found those bad guys you were talking about.” Sam said over comms, he was also getting blasted at.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“I’m not dead yet!” Cap and I ran through gunfire as we made our way to the center of the Helicarrier. Minutes went by as we fought for position but managed to get the first carrier done.

“Alpha locked.” Steve said.

“Falcon, where are you now?” Hill said.

“I had to take a detour!” The sound of gunfire was evident in his ear. “Oh yeah! I’m in! Bravo lock.”

“Two down, one to go.” Hill chimed.

“I think we need to split up.” I said to Steve.

“Are you crazy?”

“They’re gonna come after us with everything they’ve got to stop that last carrier. If we stay together we’ll be sitting ducks.” I said. He thought for a moment.

“Fine.” he said. I gave him a nod before running off. 

“Alright Tony lets see what this thing has got.” I said still running tapping the display kicking it on.

“Welcome Miss Coulson,” I heard a voice in my helmet.

“JARVIS?” I recognized the voice from working that summer with Tony.

“Yes Miss Coulson.” he responded.

“No way man good to hear your voice. What does this thing do?” I asked.

“This is a fully functional stealth suit with reflective technology making you almost invisible. Including repulsor rays and flight capabilities.” JARVIS said.

“No way! I can fly?”

“Yes ma’am. I would highly encourage you to try a test flight before you-”

“Too late!” I said diving off the edge of the helicarrier. Free falling for a moment before JARVIS activated the repulsors shooting me through the air.

“Welcome to the sky.” Sam said flying past me.

“Charlie Carrier's forty-five degrees off the port bow. Six minutes.” Hill said. I could see Steve running from HYDRA agents on the second ship.

“Hey Sam I’m gonna need a ride!” Steve shouted over comms.

“Roger let me know when you’re ready!”

“I just did!” I could see him falling off the ship.

“ARE YOU INSANE” I yelled flying right behind Sam. He managed to catch him mid air before pulling him and placing him on the carrier. We all landed and began walking towards the middle of the carrier.

“You know you’re heavier than you look.” Sam joked to Steve.

“I had a big breakfast.” Steve said before Bucky came out of nowhere and pushed him off the edge before turning to me and shooting me with a grenade launcher sending me into the side of a jet. Everything went dark…

I awoke a few moments later to a couple HYDRA agents surrounding me. I quickly pounced up, taking them out in a moment.

“Hill talk to me, I was knocked out.” I said.

“We have 65 seconds to satellite link.” She said.

“Cap, where are you?!”

“Stand by. Charlie…” He said, then nothing. I took off the edge of the carrier flying below to the glass dome.

“Steve talk to me, I can’t get in there.” I said.

“Firing in three, two…”

“Charlie lock.” Steve came back on just in the nick of time.

“Okay Cap get out of there. Shadow you too.” Hill said.

“Fire now.” Steve responded.

“Steve.” I said.

“Do it! Do it now!”  Suddenly the Helicarriers all turned and started firing at each other. It was a mess of explosions and bullets.

“I can’t hold my position, I don’t see Steve!” I said dodging the mess of bullets.

“Sarah, get out of here!” I heard him yell before Sam came over comms.

“Please tell me you got that chopper in the air!”

“Sam, where are you?” I heard Nat.

“41st floor, north-west corner!” Sam yelled.

“We're on it, stay where you are.” Nat said. I took off in the direction of the building to see the Helicarrier crashing into it.

“NOT AN OPTION!” He yelled as he dove out of the building. The helicopter was too low, I was able to catch him, protecting him in my suit as we fell. Fury turned the helicopter to catch us and the suit stopping our fall before we fell out the other side.

“41st floor! 41st!” Sam yelled with adrenaline.

“It's not like they put the floor numbers on the outside of the building!” Fury yelled.

“Where’s Steve? You have a location on Rogers?” Nat asked me. I shot her a scared look.

“He’s still in there.” I said firing up the repulsors.

“Sarah you can’t! The gunfire is too heavy!” Sam said.

“I have to do something!” I said.

“You can wait! Steve will never forgive himself if you get hurt. He can do this.” Nat said. I sighed powering down the suit. Fury landed the helicopter at a safe location as we watched the final carrier fall. 

“I need to scan for him.” I said.

“What if the Winter Soldier is there?”

“Then I’ll deal with him.” I said, face mask dropping and taking off. 

“JARVIS I need to scan for the Captain. Look for any heat signatures in the water and surrounding area that aren’t where they’re supposed to be.”

“There are two signatures to your northwest.” he responded. I quickly approached, seeing Steve laying on the shore. The dark soldier staring down at him. I landed to the left of them, repulsors at the ready.

“Bucky. Stand down.” I said pointing my hand towards him.

“He’s my friend…” he trailed. With the realization I assumed he was trying to figure things out. Not wanting to make the situation worse I dropped my hand and opened my mask. I was scared as all hell.

“His name is Steve. Steve Rogers…” I said calmly.

“I-I recognize him. I don’t want to hurt him.”

“And we don’t want to hurt you…”

“Then let me go.”

“You’ve killed a lot of people…” I said carefully.

“Let’s not add another then. He needs medical help asap. Let me go and I won’t kill you and you can help him.” he said. I nodded at him in agreement and he stalked off into the woods. I ran to Steve checking for his breathing. It was there but he was hurt bad.

“Guys I found Steve. I’m taking him to the hospital now. He's hurt really bad.” I said a tear playing at my eyes.

“Was the soldier there?” Nat asked.

“No…” I lied before lifting Steve as carefully as I could and taking off to the hospital. We were there for hours as they worked on him. The bullet wound in his abdomen was the worst but he would recover once they removed it. His face was beaten badly. I had sat with him for hours before Sam came in.

“Hey.” he said, going to the other side of the bed and setting up a speaker.

“Hi.” I greeted. I was still in my battle clothes from under the suit.

“Have you been looked at yet? That face gash looks gnarly.” he said.

“I’m fine.” I brushed him off.

“He was there wasn’t he?” Sam asked. I just looked at him.

“Alright fine don’t tell me. But if he was you need to tell him when he wakes up.” I stayed silent.

“Why don’t you go home? Get cleaned up. I’ll call you if he wakes up. You look like hell I’m sure you’d like to be a little less smelly when he sees you again.” he laughed.

“Alright, fine. But only because you said I smell…” I said getting up. I gave Sam a hug before I headed off back to my apartment. The warm quiet apartment I hadn’t seen in days. It smelled like apple pie, a scent I kept burning on the regular when I was home. I undressed and got in the shower. The warm water easing my soreness and washing away all the grime. I got out and dried my hair before my phone rang.

“Hello?” I asked.

“Hey Sarah, he's awake. He’s asking for you.” Sam said.

“Alright I’ll be there in 30.” A smile played on my lips. I hadn’t gotten any chance to think more about Steve's offer. He was right, nothing was keeping me from him now. I had no reason to deny my feelings, except that’s what WAS keeping me from him. I was so scared to lose him that I couldn’t let myself have him in the first place. We lived dangerous lives. It was only a matter of time before one of us was hurt and wouldn’t wake up. I threw on a pair of jeans and a sweater before making my way back to the hospital. I stood in front of his room for a moment, taking a breath before letting the guard let me in.

Sam and Steve were laughing about something. A tray of food in front of the super soldier. His face was still healing, the bruise yellow and swollen. When they saw me they both smiled.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Sam chuckled before getting up. He gave me a little hug before walking out.

“Hi…” I breathed.

“Hi.” he said, putting down his toast.

“How are you feeling?” I asked, sitting in the chair beside him.

“Better thanks to you. Sam told me what you did.”

“What I did?” I asked.

“Yeah you pulled me from the river and brought me here right?” Damn you Sam.

“Well I flew you here yes but… I didn’t pull you from the river Steve,” I said fidgeting with my sleeve.

“Then who did?”

“Bucky.” I deadpanned.

“Did he hurt you? What happened?” I saw him flick his eyes to the angry gash on my brow.

“No he didn’t do this. He didn’t do anything to me.” I said standing back up and pacing.

“Steve, he knew you. He recognized you. He said you were his friend and he didn’t want to hurt you.” 

“And? Where is he now?” he asked enthusiastically. I sighed.

“He just… Walked off.” I turned to him when I said it. I knew he would be disappointed.

“Walked off?”

“He told me if I didn’t let him go he’d kill me. You were barely breathing and bleeding to death on the bank. I didn't exactly have time to get into it with him. I don’t even know if I would have been able to take him even with the suit. Steve I’m sorry I know you’re probably disappointed but-”

“Sarah stop.” he said. I looked back up to him, his brow furrowed in seriousness. He waved me back over to sit so I did.

“You did the right thing. I’m not disappointed. We’ll find him again.” He took my hand in his.

“Did you think anymore about what I asked?”

“To stay with you?”

“Yes.” he said.

“Where will we go?” I asked.

“It doesn’t matter, we will figure it out. All I know is that when the dust settles I don’t want to wonder where you are again. I want us to figure it out…together. I’ve waited too long once before I’m not doing it again.” he said, rubbing circles on palm. I looked up to him, the look of longing in his eyes.

“Ok.” I said.

“Okay?”

“Okay.” I smiled.

~

A few days later we found ourselves at the cemetery. Sam, Steve, and I looking down on at the stone that said “Nicholas Fury.”

“So, you've experienced this sort of thing before?” Nick said coming up behind us in disguise.

“You get used to it,” Steve chuckled.

“We've been data-mining HYDRA's files. Looks like a lot of rats didn't go down with the ship. I'm headed to Europe tonight, wanted to ask if you'd come.” Fury said.

“There's something I gotta do first.” Steve said.

“How about you, Wilson? Could use a man with your abilities.”

“I’m more of a soldier than a spy.” Sam stated.

“Coulson?” Fury asked. I could feel Steve's eyes on me. The offer of work made him no doubt jumpy that I would take.

“I made a promise. I think I’m gonna fulfill it this time.” I said looking at the blonde. He gave me a smile.

“Alright then. Anybody asks for me, tell them they can find me right here.” Fury said, shaking our hands before walking off.

“You should be honored, that's about as close as he gets to saying thank you.” Nat said from behind us.

“Not going with him?” I asked.

“No,” she said as we all walked towards each other.

“Not staying here?” Steve asked.

“I blew all my covers, I gotta go figure out a new one.” she smiled.

“That might take a while.” Steve said.

“I'm counting on it. That thing you asked for, I called in a few favors from Kiev.” She said handing a file to Steve. She leaned up to kiss him on the cheek.

 “Be careful, Steve. You might not want to pull on that thread.” she warned. She gave me a hug before walking off. Steve opened the file, information about Bucky prevalent.

“You’re going after him?” Sam said.

“You don’t have to come with me.” 

“I know. When do we start?”

[mlb-a-rewrite]

Chat Noir is Adrien

That seems pretty obvious, they are literally the same person. Honestly, I don’t know if this was ever a point of contention in the fandom because I’ve never been, like, properly in the fandom but I remembered hearing about this a while ago and thought I talk about it in regard to my Rewrite :)

Adrien and Chat Noir are the same person, again, obviously, but they act very differently from one another, particularly in the show. Adrien is always polite and carefully spoken while Chat Noir says anything and everything. They act like different people, but they aren’t.

I think every person goes through an identity crisis in their life. Mine has been ongoing but it was pretty bad a few years ago. I felt very lonely because I didn’t have anyone who knew me, but that begged the question, Who am I?

Depending on the situation I act differently. I make different jokes around family than I do around friends. I speak and act differently at work than I do in my house and at school I behave entirely differently, but all of these are me.

At school, I am naturally quieter and more withdrawn. It would be unnatural, not authentic if I were to be super outgoing and sociable. That is me.

But with friends, I make crass jokes and laugh about dumb shit. I instigate conversations and go out of my way to spend time with them. That is also me.

Neither of these versions of me are facades, they are all me, but reacting to different situations. I don’t particularly enjoy school so I go into low power mode, but when I do happen to enjoy a topic or have a friend in the same class then I am more invested. I am fluid and changing and all different “versions” of me are still me.

To apply this to a fictional teenage superhero, Adrien acts a certain way at school, and as time progresses he gets more comfortable in the “version” of him he is at school and settles into it. When he transforms and becomes Chat Noir, another “version” of him surfaces. One isn’t more valid or authentic than another; Adrien is simply adapting to his circumstances.

One minor issue (yes it’s only minor this time around) I have with the show is that they never show bleedover between the different “versions” of Adrien. I may be wrong, but I believe they do with Marinette early on where they show her gain confidence as Ladybug and that transfers over to her as Marinette, but they never do anything like that with Adrien.

Going back to my example from before, in class, I am typically quieter and more withdrawn, but if I have a friend in that class or was just talking to my friends before I went to class, that may change and I end up being more talkative and involved. If something bad happens in my personal life, I will be unfocused and tired in class. These different “versions” of myself are all connected and they bleed together, they impact one another.

As a whole, I think the show should look into this more. Or, if they don’t want to dive into that, they just ignore it entirely, but a lot of the show’s main struggles are with the heroes, Marinette in particular, dealing with having “two lives” that are at odds with each other. It would make that struggle more interesting if they dove into how they personally struggle with this outside of just being stressed, you know?

In my rewrite, I’m not planning on diving into this in great detail, but I want to make sure that the connection is present. I see how changes in one “version” of a character impact the others. 

When Adrien gets his miraculous and becomes Chat Noir, he suddenly has unlimited freedom and gets to experience something new. As a result, he starts to discover himself more in this newfound freedom and realizes he likes making jokes and goofing off but that he likes to do so because it makes the people around him smile. 

As Adrien, he makes the people around him smile not primarily through jokes, but by acts of service. He spends time with them and connects with them on an emotional level to support them. Adrien still makes jokes, but they aren’t his go-to as it is for Chat. Chat likes to connect emotionally with Ladybug, but can’t fully because of their secret identities.

Adrien and Chat Noir are the same person but just put names to that same person in different circumstances.

[pagerspages]

Transgender Imposter Syndrome

Gender update #?

I used the phrase transgender imposter syndrome today. I have another genderqueer friend who I talk to every so often and we’ve been talking about hair lately. I have super thick curly dark hair. The place I used to go to get my haircut closed down last year. I think I used that as an excuse to just stop cutting my hair. I haven’t had a haircut in like 10ish months. Lately I’ve enjoyed the length because it’s more of an androgynous style. You look at me from the shoulders up from behind and I’m not sure you could tell what gender I look like. If I shave everyday I even look a little androgynous from the front although I do still present pretty much all masc out of laziness and survival seeing as the area I’m in isn't real kind to trans folks.

Anyway, my friend and I were talking about how we never had a stylized haircut until later in life. I always just had a buzz cut with the number 3-4 guard on until like 15. I never wore my hair curly until after I graduated high school and had my own money to buy products because my mother couldn’t afford the stuff that was good for my hair and had no idea how to keep curly hair healthy or style it. I’m constantly fighting with my hair. It’s just long enough to get in my eyes at this point and it’s a sensory nightmare. I really want to cut it but everyone tells me it looks really good. I get comments on my hair like 5 times a week from customers at work. I secretly love my curls but they’re so much work and I’m so tired. I’m also worried about looking to masculine if I cut my hair. 

Every so often I’ll slick my hair into a more “feminine” style just to see what it looks like and I don’t know if I’ve ever admitted it to anyone but one of those times I looked into the mirror and saw the girl I could never be. This is where the phrase transgender imposter syndrome comes into play. I don’t think I could ever see myself as anything but at least a little bit of a man. No matter how much I don’t want to be a man or don’t feel like a man I will always see a man when I look into the mirror. I hate that. How can I call myself nonbinary if I see myself that way? I feel like I’m soiling the trans identity.

I know there isn’t a right or wrong way to be trans. I know that your gender identity journey is going to be a lot of ups and downs. I know that it sometimes won’t make sense. I know that everyone's identity is valid. I know all of this I swear. My brain just won’t translate these things to include me into them. I’ll get there someday, maybe soon. ( I pulled this last line from a song called robert’s place by Simon Robert French. You should really go listen to this song. @simonrobertfrench)