#I’m so scared of wasting them even though I bought them to be used

[robo-milky]

How to use up stickers…

[Comments]

Yes, that is Rook nendo’s reflection in the apple logo

Decided to try out toploader deco since I need to use up my stickers somehow- Rollo was an experiment to test out different techniques and see what works, and I really liked how Rook’s came out (maybe it’s cause I actually planned that one more- and it had a coherent theme). It’s okay- Rollo deserves a dogshit toploader deco if he even gets one at all 😔

During the process of printing… I have to say… ROLLO’S GODDAMN PICTURE HAD NO RIGHTS TO BE PRINTED SO WELL???? Like wow, gotta give myself a pat on the back for fine tuning the colours- and Roookkkkkk my boyyyyyy- your pigment- 😔 (I’ve been printing like over 40 of these and the colours always mess me up-)

Do I have an entire Rook album? Yes. Will I show it? I mean… only if anyone asks or seems interested

I dug up my old iPhone 4 and it still works! Epel on an apple haha… I’ll leave 😔 I may not be like one of those Y2K girlies with a vintage digicam but this is close enough

Too much cuteness… gotta dial this all back in the next few days

[fashionteahouse]

Soo what about sam and paul reaction when reader kisses Emily on her lips

so reader was playing games with the other pack members and she loses so they dare her to kiss Emily in front of sam

ooo juicy😭 hope you enjoy :)

infatuation - paul x reader

It seemed as though their motivation was at an all time high. Their eyes were focused as you smushed the buttons on your controller. A bit of your tongue pokes out your mouth due to concentration of your own.

Fatality

A booming voice from the television speaks out in a loud rumble.

You sigh in defeat, watching as Embry’s character viciously does his last move on your character. Blood splatters as Embry stands over your dismembered corpse.

Embry does nothing but chuckle as he sets his controller down.

“I thought you were the best?” Embry teases and you scowl at him.

“Shut up. Plus, I play better when I’m alone.” you wave off.

“You got that right. You got whopped by all of us.” Jared cackled out as the rest of his pack brothers follow.

Embry nudges you, “A dare is a dare.” he reminds you.

Earlier that day, before Sam and Paul came back from patrol, Jared had bought a new game that just came out. Wanting to be included, you played the saga before, so you speak out as they all gawk over the game on his console.

“I’m good at that game.”

“Yeah, right.” Jared says to you, shaking his head not believing you.

“I’ve played the other games before. My rank is the best online.” you tell him.

“You would’ve even last against us, let alone me.” Jared says.

You roll your eyes hard at his claim, “Scared you’re gonna lose?” you then taunt.

“Hell would freeze over before you beat me.” Jared counters back.

“Just let her play.” Embry butts in, not wanting to waste time arguing.

“Fine. But she has to 1v1 all of us.” Jared tells him, for circling his finger to include the pack brothers that were in the room.

“Cool. What’s my prize.” you say sarcastically as you pick up the controller.

“You win, I’ll give you ten bucks.” Jared says.

“If she loses?” Quil pipes in, instigating the situation.

“If she loses…” Jared says great full for Quil’s suggestion, “You’ll have to kiss..”

“No! I’m not kissing any of you. I don’t know where any of your mouthes have been.” you tell him.

Quil gets up and whispers in Jared’s ear. Jared’s face forms into a shit eating grin as he follows Quil’s whispers. Quil sits back down with a mischievous expression.

“What?” Embry asks, catching wind of this.

“If you lose you’re kissing Emily in front of Sam.” Jared says laughing.

Your jaw drops. Sam wouldn’t hurt a fly but you were scared that if you did it, that would be the first time Sam would consider violence.

“You’re trying to get me killed.” You say.

“Just do it. Put that online rank to work.” Jared says as he starts the game to make you choose your desired character.

Before Jared pressed start, he holds out his hand. You give him a look.

“So, you won’t back out.” He says smirking.

You limply shake your hand with his. You played against try hards in the past, online before so, you figured this wouldn’t be any different.

You almost beat him, but he prevailed. Jared passes the controller to Seth. You won, but the guys pass it off as Seth letting you win. You just shrug. Seth passes it to Jacob. Emily emerges from her bedroom, fresh out of a shower and sits to watch, once she sees you with a controller in your hand. She’s on your side of course.

“She will win. Y/N, don’t give them any satisfaction.” she pumps in you, referring to both the game and dare.

Jacob beats you quick and with no problem as tosses the controller to Quil. In the middle of the match with him, Sam and Paul walks in beat. They flop on the couch to just watch. Quil really got his head in the game, the battle turned intense.

You don’t know if you got nervous with both Sam and Paul there, but Quil ended up defeating you.

“How did you get beat by Quil?” Paul says to you but you wave him off. Quil gives the controller to Embry and pats him on the shoulder before walking back to his seat.

If you thought the match was intense, it had nothing on the match with Embry.

You just stare at the screen as if it was the glowing television’s fault. You fish in your pocket, pulling out ten bucks. You thrust it toward Jared.

“Take it or leave it.”

He looks at it as if it was contaminated then back to you, “We shook on it.”

You shove it back in your pocket.

“What? She has to lick the bottom of your shoe or something?” Paul asks trying to bring a smile to his face.

Jared just chuckles and looks to you, telling you with his eyes to go carry out the dare. He didn’t care about the mean look you gave him as you stood in the middle of the sitting room.

You sit down, feeling your legs being jelly. Sam was sitting right next to Emily. Thankfully, Emily just gets up and sighs a carefree sigh and sits in front of you with a kind smile.

Both Sam and Paul lean forward. Sam with a look of concern and Paul with a look of anticipation.

“Emily has to slap you?” Paul asks you in a stunned voice but you shake your head as the guys around you laugh at this.

You take a breath due to nerves but Emily gives reassurance, “Don’t worry, Y/N. You’re more than an infatuation. We’ll be quick.”

This makes your lips turn up a bit.

“Quick with what?” Paul questions.

“Would you shut up? Jeez.” Jared says as he watched with great enjoyment.

Paul gets up and walks behind you, eyeing the situation with caution. Sam scoots to the edge of his seat.

Eyes follow the two figures lean forward and lips press against each other. Noises of excitement quickly follows at the sight.

At the same time, Sam grabs Emily’s shoulders and Paul grabs your shoulders and pull both of you away from each other.

“What the hell?” they both say in a synchronized voice.

“It was a dare for Y/N.” says Emily, trying to bring light but neither men were having it.

Paul helps pull you up to your feet and turns you around to face him. One good look at his disapproved expression was all that you needed to see.

“I told you.” you turn your head and cry out to Jared. Jared just covered his hand to hide his laugh.

“Why would you agree, Emily and Y/N.” Sam’s voice says to you.

“I thought I could do it. I thought I could beat them.” you say sheepishly.

“You know better than to listen to these dumbasses.” Paul tells you as they still snort and laugh at the situation that you’re in.

You cursed Jared with your mean look. You wanted your look to kill him right on the spot. To him, this experience was worth more than ten bucks.

[xoxodiluc]

lapis dei | zhongli ( genshin impact ) x female! reader

— part four.

series genre romance, angst, smut, fantasy mafia! au

summary in your family, being married and giving an heir to a certain man you’re married to is a must. after zhongli lost his wife guizhong — he was devastated. but there’s no time in wasting to find another woman who shall be his wife, and you were chosen.

cw in this chapter mentions of pregnancy, threats, mentions of blood, violence, character death, use of guns, use of sword | please read at your own risk, and please send an ask if i missed any content warnings here. not proofread.

word count 1.5k

notes + at the end this is a reupload!!! since this app wanna act up… epilogue soon :)

one | two | three | four ( you’re here )

You haven’t seen Zhongli much after the incident in the dining room a few days ago. Even if you bump into him, you doubt he would notice you.

“Madam Y/N?” A maid knocked on the door, and you told her to come in. She bowed as she entered. “Breakfast is ready.”

You nodded, thanking her before following her to the dining room, and to your surprise, Zhongli was there drinking tea.

But he didn’t acknowledge you.

It only took moments before he got up and went to his office, much to your disappointment.

He was so confusing.

Lately, you’ve been feeling tired even though you were only always lonely and bored in the mansion, and you’ve been feeling nauseous.

If you were pregnant, you were scared about what Zhongli’s reaction would be. He’ll be glad you finally gave him an heir...

But what about you?

You cursed your family for requiring you to be in an arranged marriage. Because now you were in love with a man who won’t love you back.

“Madam, you called for me?” Arya, one of your trusted maids, showed up in front of your room in no time.

“Yes. Can you keep this a secret, please?” When she nodded, you continued. “Buy me a few pregnancy tests.” She was surprised for a moment but nodded in understanding nonetheless.

“Of course, Madam.” She bowed when you thanked her before walking away, and you sighed as you closed the door.

“And if I am pregnant,” You whispered, looking down at your stomach, “What would I name you?” You scoffed, “Or would Rex Lapis name you instead?”

After Arya bought you pregnancy tests, you went to the bathroom to test them and waited for the results, and you were right.

You were pregnant.

You were elated, finally having a child, but you weren’t happy with your marriage.

Sighing, you walked by the window and noticed a letter sitting there. It was unsettling because there wasn’t any sign of who it was from. Slowly, you opened the letter, and you gasped.

‘Now, you shall perish.’ Written in blood.

“Don’t move.”

Your breath hitched when you sensed someone behind you, “W-Who… How—”

“Don’t speak. Just come with me.”

The person covered your mouth with a cloth, and you lost consciousness.

“What’s up with you these days?”

Xiao’s voice interrupted Zhongli’s thoughts. “…Hm?”

“You’ve been acting… weird.” He crossed his arms. “Is there something wrong?”

“I’d rather not talk about it. It’s not that big of a deal.”

The Yaksha was worried, but he just shrugged it off. “All right. Also, there are still no reports about your superior’s death. We’ve been investigating it for so long…Tch.”

Zhongli sighed, “We just need to try our hardest.”

A few moments later, Ganyu came bursting through the door. “Mr. Zhongli! Madam Y/N is missing! And she has received a suspicious letter… There isn’t any sign of who it’s from!”

“What?” Ganyu gave him the letter, and when he opened it, his eyes widened.

Immediately, he ordered Xiao, Ganyu, and the Millelith — “Find my wife. Now.”

“I told you to kill her, not bring her here…! Have you fucking lost your mind?!”

“I-I’m sorry… I couldn’t bring myself to!”

You slowly gained consciousness. It took a few seconds to realize your hands were tied up as you lay on the ground of an empty warehouse.

“You’re finally awake.” You recognized that voice, Raiden Shogun!

You looked up at her, glaring. “Zhongli will fucking kill you. He’ll come to find me.” You didn’t know why you said that. It slipped out of your mouth.

But you knew he wouldn’t come to find you.

“Oh? When he does come to find you, he’ll also see the woman he actually loves.”

Your eyebrows furrowed. “W-what?” As if on cue, a woman came up behind Raiden.

Lady Guizhong. Zhongli’s former wife, she’s alive?

She gave you a pitiful look, and you looked back at Raiden, a disturbing smile forming on her face. “She’s not dead. She killed Morax’s superior for her beloved husband to be the leader.”

Oh my God.

You were overwhelmed. It was slowly making sense. Raiden Shogun had probably planned this for so long — Lady Guizhong had killed Zhongli’s superior for Zhongli to be the leader, and Raiden Shogun somehow found out who the killer of his superior was, then used her in her plan.

But what would happen to Lady Guizhong now?

“Didn’t I tell you to count your days, Y/N? I’m gonna get rid of you.” Raiden Shogun pointed her gun at you, and you closed your eyes, your heart pounding so loud that you could almost hear it.

‘I’m sorry, my future child.’

You waited for the gunshot, but then Raiden hummed. “Or what if… Guizhong just kills you instead? Wouldn’t that be so fucked up?” She let out a laugh.

You opened your eyes immediately, and Lady Guizhong shook her head. “N-No please, I can’t—”

“I’m ordering you. Kill your former husband’s current wife.”

Guizhong sobbed as Raiden pushed her gun into her hands, and she looked at you. “I’m sorry.”

Suddenly, you heard gunshots outside the empty warehouse.

“How?!” Raiden Shogun angrily exclaimed, and Guizhong took the opportunity to remove the rope tied up around your wrists as soon as the Millelith crashed into the place, shooting Raiden’s soldiers.

“I left the letter you received in your room on purpose so there was evidence you were kidnapped, and I hoped they could come and save you.” Guizhong flashed a sad smile, “I’m sorry once again.”

“Raiden Shogun. I knew you were suspicious ever since you visited Liyue.”

Zhongli… He came.

He ran towards you but slowly stopped once he saw Guizhong.

“You… You’re alive…?”

Guizhong shook her head, “I’m sorry. Please. Save Y/N and forget about me.” He stared at her in shock.

“Ah, my plan is all ruined!” Raiden Shogun spoke up, holding a tachi in her hand. “Guizhong killed your superior for you to become the new leader, Morax. She deserves to perish, doesn’t she?”

Slash!

And just like that, Guizhong was dead. Zhongli’s breath hitched.

Tears formed in your eyes as you grabbed the gun Guizhong was holding and pointed it at Raiden Shogun. You shot her in the shoulder as she cried out in pain. “You…!”

Zhongli immediately grabbed your hand and pulled you towards the door to escape, but you felt Raiden’s sword slashing your back, making you groan and fall. He looked back furiously to shoot her, but she managed to flee the warehouse.

“Go! I’ll take care of this!” Xiao yelled out as he shot Raiden’s soldiers. Zhongli picked you up, starting to panic when he saw you losing consciousness as he ran out of the warehouse. Ganyu then showed up and helped Zhongli carry you.

“Y/N... Live. Please.”

That was the last thing you heard from him before you passed out.

You opened your eyes slowly, attempting to get up, but it hurt like hell. “Ow!”

“Finally.” You heard someone say, then saw Zhongli giving you a small smile. “Don’t try to get up yet. You’re still not well.”

You slowly sat up and looked away from him, making him frown.

Didn’t he tell you to fuck off because you aren’t his real wife? Why is he here?

“Um…” You started, “How did you know where I was?”

“You received a threat, right? Then you went missing. I immediately ordered Xiao to do everything he can to find you. The first person who came to mind is Raiden Shogun, who’s been suspicious ever since she visited Liyue. I was right.” He sighed, “And I was scared… You’d be dead as soon as we got there. I’m glad you weren’t.”

You huffed, “Why would you be scared?”

“Because… I love you.” You looked at him, surprised at his sudden confession. “After Guizhong ‘died’, I was scared of falling in love again. That’s why I said those foolish things and started avoiding you because I realized I was falling in love with you. I’m sorry for that.” Zhongli held your hand, “But trust me, I do love you.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” He said, “Fuck the contract. I’m willing to break the contract for you. Only you.”

You swallowed a lump in your throat. “How do I know you’re not lying?”

“I’ll prove it to you. I’ll do anything. Please.” Zhongli — Rex Lapis got on his knees, looking up at you as his hands clasped yours tightly. “I beg of you, believe me when I say I love you.”

Take the risk or lose the chance.

Because even after all the unfortunate events, you still loved him.

You sobbed, pulling him up to his feet and hugging him. “I believe you.”

“We still have a long way to go,” He kissed your forehead, and you saw tears in his eyes as he looked down at your stomach. “We’ll take care of this little one, too.”

“You knew?”

He intertwined his hand with yours. “I saw the test before we came to find you. Thankfully after the incident, our baby is fine. You’re so strong.”

You smiled, and it quickly faltered when you remembered the previous events. “What happened to Raiden Shogun?”

His face suddenly turned serious. “She managed to escape after attacking you, which is unfortunate. Fear not, I made sure you’re completely protected and no one is taking you away from me now. I won’t allow it.”

You laughed. “Noted.”

notes that’s it for zhongli’s series! idk i kinda feel eh about it 😭 but there might be an epilogue :) thank you so much for reading! 💖

taglist @dori-mon @angel-of-requiem @xxshinimakixx @aclairysm @celesther @pluviophilefangirl @eternallyvenus @shrynkk @diachibaby @rimsthebest2 @byundumb @youngpainterpizzalawyer @swirrley @deimmortales99 @whattaweeb @hoanganhduong @kyomihann @puppieee @dancing-hillary @limelightsuperhero @beef-stew @local-mr-frog

xoxodiluc © 2022 | all rights reserved. do not claim as your own, modify, copy or repost.

[badwithten]

camping with skz hyung line - delulu head cannons

PAIRING SKZ hyung line (Bangchan, Lee Know, Changbin & Hyunjin) x fem!reader

GENRE fluff

WORD COUNT 1.6k

this is very self indulgent but it is 11pm on my 18th birthday when i’m writing this and my mother is sleeping and we are in the middle of no where camping/staying in some cabins with no power or reception so i’m writing this on notes app bc i can’t sleep early so i am just up and i want to be delusional and go camping with skz (changbin but lets give them all a chance ig 🙄) 

in saying that its self indulgent its more of a warning that i’m writing this reader based on me! usually i don’t do this and try to keep everything as neutral as i can (ik i still only write fem!reader but still i try make it as inclusive fem as i can be!)  but for this y/n is def based on how i am camping which happens to be kinda stereotypical girl “omg im scared of bug come save me” which i know isn’t true for all fem people but it is for me and its my birthday so let me be delusional! 

with that in mind, if you still decide to read these i hope you enjoy! might expand onto the maknae line if this is something that is received well? i’ve never really written headcanons so we’ll see!

also also, i know since lee knows camping vlogs theres be a lot of camping with skz stuff but once again, idc bc i am camping now so this is what i want lmao

chan 

chan is definitely the ‘i am prepared, I’ve got you babe’ which quickly turns into ‘omg this fire isn’t staying lit and its cold af right now”

like he comes well prepared, buying and packing the best gear money can get

but no matter how fancy the tent, it is no use if you can’t put it up!

using the limited knowledge the two of you have, you manage to wrangle the tent up just before dark

although this wasted all of the time you had to do any hiking or adventuring for the day. you can’t say you’re to mad to skip to the cuddling

once again, he purchased a whole lot of fire starters and fancy lighters, but the two of you still struggled to get a stable fire going

eventually though, you’re both warm and feed by the fire

he bought his guitar and plays your favourite songs for you

you’re lucky that you’re out on such a clear night, able to watch the stars and listen to your partner sing for you

after a long day of getting lost in the endless pages instruction pamphlets, its finally time  to call it a night

chan thought it would be cute to get matching animal sleeping bags

he got a wolf and when he asked which one you were gonna get you chose a regular adult one

he was disappointed in your lack of humour but now he regrets not doing the same

the child size sleeping bag not even fighting one of his legs

“room in there for two?” how could you say no

lots of cuddles and late night talks, its the first time its truely just been the two of you for a long time

no sounds of the city, no loud neighbours and none of the kids disturbing the peace!

when you wake up though its a sweaty mess, tents get so hot in the sun and waking up to a warm body pressed against you is the last thing you want!

minho

ok this one is a bit hard to be crazy for bc we’ve seen him camping

but that doesn’t make it any less,,, writeable? 

if we saw a chart of “thinks their prepared, is not prepared vs thinks their prepared, is prepared” where do you think chan and minho would sit??

the camp site we’ve seen in his vlog and then his bubble messages is his little get away when his life gets too crazy

its just him and nature (plus some cats. that man is a legit cat magnet and i am so jealous!)

he doesn’t even want to bring any of the members or his friends there

its his place, all he has to worry about is himself

and its not even a worry! he enjoys cooking so feeding himself is a simple task,,, and thats all he’s sorta required to do there

but not long after he started dating you, he realised he wanted to experience the peace of his camping with you

if he was stressed and couldn’t get away, he would turn to you. both of his stress relievers in one place would be a dream come true! (that sounds sexual, i promise i didn’t mean it like that 😭*turns 18 and writes smut right away*) 

despite being there bc he’s currently stressed to the max, he can’t help but care for you still

he cooks the most delicious meals for you

lets you shower first and for as long as you want, not minding the cold water for himself if you use up the supply of the hot

and then when you’re out, makes sure you’re comfortable and warm in bed to ensure you don’t get sick on him

but its not all him caring for you! he knows this as well, loving the way you look out for him

yes he does all the cooking but you’re right by his side, helping to prepare any food he needs to create his dishes

he knows how long you shower for at home so he knows you’re conscious of him by only taking short showers despite how much he insists he doesn’t mind the cold

you’ll wait up for him while he showers, sometimes stealing his side of the bed to make sure its warm when he gets back

you even made sure to pack cat treats incase he attracted anymore strays

needless to say, camping with lee know is a break from your busy lives where you can look after each other

recharge together before heading back to work

changbin 

the man of the hour! why im writing this for hehe (he’s my boyfriend and you can’t change my mind on that idc)

biggest baby!

i’ve been having to boil hot water for drinks over a gas stove

and can you imagine doing that for him while he holds the light and just makes commentary the entire time

like i imagine it going how that one vlog went with his sister where she’s cooking for him and he’s standing there pretending to help but really is being more of a nuisance than anything

but you love him for it

you’re setting up the gas tanks and dealing with fire, he can’t help but just be impressed

not only can you hold your own, but you look after him!

he always is expected to be the caretaker in relationships, being a big strong guy and all, surely he wears the pants in the relationship

but both of you have one leg each in these pants, both of you struggling to walk in the pants. its like a three legged race but worse bc now there’s 4 legs, all out of sync (in the best way possible)

you will make him hot chocolates and deal with the gas stove top

you’ll rub his head in the spa while the two of you soak in the hot water

but he’ll carry you across the river when you two go exploring, not wanting you to get your shoes wet

he’ll make sure to watch out for any mosquitos in the area, swatting them away before they get to you

hes a bit like minho, both of you looking out for each other but a lot less prepared to do so in a campsite 

“yo binnie you know how to set this thing up?”

“y/n i’ve even seen one of these before today” he says as he swings around a tent pole and almost takes you out with it

but its ok bc both of you end up getting the tent up after a long while

he’s just a big baby and i want to give him a hug and make him a hot chocolate ok! it’s all i’ve been thinking about

you two wouldn’t be able to sleep so early into the night so you sneak out to go make hot chocolate’s and sit around the dying flame of the fire pit

its like your teenagers sneaking out despite having paid your bill to stay at the camp ground, knowing you can come and go out of your tent as you please

but that excitement is always something you’ve felt throughout your relationship with changbin and you can’t see it ever leaving

hyunjin

mr dramatic over here would be so distraught at the sight of any bug in the area

and news flash you’re outside in forest, there’s gonna be bugs

all jokes aside though, camping with hyunjin would be such a freeing experience!

he’d definitely use this time to unwind and really get into his painting, with no distractions he’s able to get the creative flow going and create some beautiful works of either you or the landscape around him

and if you’re a writer reading this, then you can do what i’m doing right now and take your boredom in the fact that there’s no power and write as well!

or really if you create anything (art, writing, knitting, any creative outlet!), you’d be right by him doing the same

you’d also do lots of exploring with him!

you’d set of on the hike only to stop every five minutes to look at something

if its somewhere you’ve been before or the two of you are camping somewhere you are knowledgeable about (like camping near your home town or something) then he’d ask lots of questions about the wildlife and plants around you!

but if its new for both of you then it would be so fun discovering everything together

i just imagine sitting by the river bank with him, watching as small fish and other strange water creatures swim through the rock pools

pointing to each and every little movement to make a comment about it

“yo that fish kinda looks like you though”

the comments soon lead to a water fight which ends in the two of you swimming

unlike any ocean or pool the two of you have swam in before, the current drags you down the river

you allow yourself to float for a bit before you’ll both swim back up to where you started

just chatting and relaxing against the river and all its sounds

eventually though one of you remembers all the fish/insects/creatures you saw swimming in there just moments ago and freaks out thinking about it swimming against your skin

so you retreat back to shore, having to hike back to your campsite soaking wet and cold

lots of cuddles to warm up in the tent though

both of you so exhausted you just crash

but it was such a good experience with him. like the two of you are so comfortable with each other that being in by yourselves camping in the woods is such a amazing time 

(but both can’t wait to get back home and enjoy the comfort of your own bed again)

[wormdolls]

Nail-Biter

I found an old story in my Google Docs from last year that I actually enjoyed re-reading. I might rewrite it one day but as of right now I'm not doing anything with it, so I figured I might as well post it here. I hope y'all enjoy!

I used to bite my nails.

Usually when I say this, people start to reassure me that they do so as well, and that it’s not anything to be ashamed of. What they don’t realise is this: when I say I used to bite them, what I really mean is I used to chew them down into pink stubs, tearing right into the quick, and nibble at the skin around them too. Frankly it’s incredible I didn’t get an infection from that old habit, but my fingers were always red and sore, with a tendency to bleed. But I kept biting. Whenever I was nervous, or agitated, or even just a little absentminded, my teeth would find my fingers and bite them until I physically couldn’t anymore. Then I would feel stupid and insecure for having such a shameful habit.

I used to joke about it, too. Whenever my more fashionable friends commented on their own nail polish, I would feel the need to bring up those little warped gravestones on my fingertips, as if by drawing attention to them they would become less of a burning point of inadequacy for me. I’d go even further and say I took pride in that rather ruinous part of my personality.

One day things changed—or more accurately, I forced the change upon myself. I went out and bought myself a tiny little bottle of black nail polish. That set me on a vague path to recovery, forcing me to consider whether it was worth wasting nail polish just for that momentary relief. It wasn’t an overnight change by any means, and I definitely chewed off more coats than I care to admit (and accidentally consumed more polish than can possibly be good for someone) but it gave my poor hands a chance to heal and made my nails much easier to look at in the process.

Months went by and my nails were now at a decent length for the first time in my life. It may sound trivial to some, but I felt good flaunting my progress, and they looked even better. I had even graduated to various other colours. It feels ironic that on the morning that changed I was painting them black once again. I was just finishing my pinkie finger when my phone rang, almost scaring me into smudging them. I answered knowing full well it would be my mum—nobody else would call when a single text would suffice. Sure enough, I heard the sour notes of her voice greet me. She sounded upset, and since I was unclear on whether I was the cause, I decided to treat her as one treats a landmine.

“Hi, mum.” My voice rose a few notes and I winced, blowing absently on my nails to dry them. “Is something up?”

“I’m just wondering,” I flinched at the accusatory tone—so I was the cause after all, though I’d be lying if I said I knew what I’d actually done, “Why exactly have you been lying to me.”

“Lying about what?” I said, but my mouth was dry and my chest was starting to fill with fear. I began to raise my hand to my mouth.

“Lying about your boyfriend. Or do you not remember? Come clean, Alice, I know you’ve not really been seeing him.”

“No mum,” I mumbled through my fingers, “I told you I stopped.”

I heard her irritable sigh through the phone and felt my ribs tighten. Mum always had liked my boyfriend much better than I had, enough that when we broke up she refused to listen to my reasons and instead insisted we still see each other. I may have told her, aeons ago, that Maybe We’d Try It Out Again, but I certainly hadn’t told her I was seeing him nowadays. She continued to sink her talons of disappointment into my brain with her next words.

“I don’t know why you didn’t stay with him. He was the best you’re ever going to get.” These words made my sore eyes overflow, and I started to sniffle. I don’t remember the rest of that dismal conversation. In all honesty I was just trying to get off the phone as fast as I could, but what I do remember is that when I did put the phone down, I realised that my hand was now free of polish and that my fingertips looked red and wet with spit. I almost howled in outrage—it was just like that woman to take my one good accomplishment and turn it against me.

In the next few weeks, I tried everything to set myself back to rights, but it was all for nought. As my mother’s words played on repeat in my head, my mood sank lower and lower, and my nails seemed to get shorter and shorter. My fingertips started bleeding again. I stopped wanting to show them off.

It all culminated in one particular night. It was raining outside and instead of being out with friends, I was just staring at the wall of my bedroom and biting relentlessly on what remained of my fingers. I could feel the warmth of blood trickling down my hand as I tore into my flesh but I couldn’t stop. My face was numb. Everything was numb, all sensation centred on my hands, as I ripped into them like a starved animal. My breathing sounded weird. My eyes were tearing up. The sensations intensified and I started to pant, sweat dripping down my face. And then…I wrapped my hands around the first bottle of nail polish I could find, and stared at it hatefully. If I hadn’t started painting my nails, I wouldn’t have had the fragile illusion of recovery, and I wouldn’t be stuck in this rut now, feeling so weak and helpless and…and…

Crash.

I don’t allow myself to be around my nail polish anymore. I scrubbed for weeks, but the neon green is never coming out of that wallpaper. I don’t really care anymore though. My fingers are worse than ever and I’m pretty sure one of them is swelling up, but I don’t care about that either.

I just can’t stop biting my nails.

[katzell]

The Bear Season 2 - Initial Thoughts

Mainlined season 2 today. I have no idea why I thought I would take my time with this. I certainly didn’t with season 1. I suppose I anticipated the same anxiety levels as the previous season. I planned for chill out breaks, and yet here we are!

I really appreciated how this season’s remodel gave each character time to look inwards and do work on themselves. I loved that Carmy facilitated these journeys, even if he never fully appreciated how meaningful they were to the people around him. Richie got a win! I had no idea that was something I even wanted and yet the satisfaction of seeing him finally find his lane was everything.

I’m tagging this for spoilers, but I don’t think I’m ready to talk about the Seven Fishes episode. It was amazing. Give Jon Bernthal all the awards. Bob Odenkirk scared the hell out of me. John Mulaney gave a surprisingly nuanced performance. Lets give some awards to Jamie Lee Curtis as well. I thought they were wasting Sarah Paulson and then I watched her eyes well up and her façade crack…clearly there are no small parts in this show.

Speaking of, hello Will Poulter! Seems like Hollywood just realized you’re hot now.

But no, I’m still trying to understand what The Feast of Seven Fishes means for Carmy, Sugar, and Richie. This episode could teach courses on “show don’t tell.” The family dynamics that continue to haunt everyone are on full display. Tragedy is so close to the surface and yet so mixed up in love and joy.

Carmy’s family scream I love you when they are simultaneously ripping into each other. I love you means calm down. I love you means I’m not hurting you. I love you means stop hurting yourself. They say it a lot. They mean it. But its part of the chaos.

At the very end of the season, we hear those often spoken words again, this time from someone outside the family. When Claire says “I love you,” she says it in a moment of quiet during her day, and Carmy hears it when he is literally locked up, alone with his thoughts. The contrast to Richie screaming the same thing moments before is heartbreaking. In losing Claire, Carmy lost a different kind of love, not just that it was romantic, but that it was calm and easy.

I liked Claire and really bought into her dynamic with Carmy. They felt like two formerly awkward kids reconnecting. She was someone who could have really understood his life without being part of it. She could have been an oasis for him, and Carmy, who is actually really good at listening to and supporting others, could have done the same for her. But he’s an infant at relationships. He hasn’t done this before. He could salvage this one, but at the moment he doesn’t value himself enough to try.

Carmy’s relationship with Sydney though continues to be a fascinating and lovely work in progress. I could see them together at some point in the future. But for now, I’m glad for storytelling reasons Sydney isn’t carrying that burden. The vortex of chaos that surrounds Carmy would subjugate Sydney to his emotional journey. For now, I want to watch Sydney grow into a leader who speaks with assurance and commands a room. I want to watch her continue to build her network and reputation. And I’d like to see her date other people to see what that side of her is like without Carmy. And if all the while they continue building the trust and respect, I will probably be delighted to see them kiss.

Or if Sydney and Richie want to hate fuck that would work for me too

I don’t know what the hell is going to happen to tv in the US as we move into this new phase of streaming, but we better get at least three more seasons of Jermey Allen White as an introverted depressed chef and his loud, weird, wonderful family.

[skyderman]

find the word tag

thanks for the tag @saintedseraph!

i'm tagging: @scmalarky @hallwriteblr @junypr-camus @hd-literature and you :)

your words are: hunt, read, cover, and waste.

my words are: drink, necklace, time, and scent

drink from "The Narrator"

It’s gotten dark outside. The blinds are drawn on your window, but the fluorescent bulbs have a different flavor at night. They’re yellower. The cafe will probably close soon, which is fine. You still have a little more coffee.  It’s cold, though. You finish the drink off, getting a little bit of that sludge near the end, the dregs. Even those last few sips from a drink half-forgotten or drank too slowly are worth it.

necklace from "Fairy Friend"

My mother’s face grows dark again. “One day,” she says slowly, like she’s not even speaking to me, “you came inside crying. You said that your fairy friend had tried to give you something. A silver necklace, I think… But whatever it was, it scared you so much that you ran right home. That was the last time I heard about him, and the first time I wondered if you really were talking to someone else. “Then you showed me your hand, and you had a burn.”

time from "Postcard Memories"

Jen, That sounds pretty amazing! I wish I could see them. Then again, I’m seeing all those photos move in real time before I take them… and photos will never be able to replace pure memories. But… it would be nice if we could remember things in such clear detail, huh? What do you think, is it better to remember your fondest moments perfectly, or to let time make things a little rougher around the edges? Wish you were here! Love, Sable I bought a lot of picture frames that year.

(fun fact, i apparently use the word "time" SO. MUCH. it was so hard to choose a single instance)

scent from "Moon-Madness"

Grey could not find his way home. He knew the scent, but in the dark he was nervous. Out here he was surrounded by noises the likes of which he had never dreamed of, and they drove him in circles, or perhaps deeper into the belly of the outside world. He found a corner to shelter in, and slept until the dawn broke, at which point Grey realized he was entirely alone and lost. He would never see his home again.

[thedovahcat]

Gorillas, Orchids, and Programming

It’s that Time

In the last two weeks I’ve bought a couple of orchids and let me tell ya going from lucky bamboo to whole ass flowering plants is sure a doozy. Hardy or not, I haven’t gotten the hang of these fellas yet and they’re currently not doing so well.

I hope they live! I don’t have a green thumb though certainly.

Small gardening woes aside though I’d been trying to learn Java on my own and so far it’s going very slow. I’ve been on the self taught route with the math and now this since January and I feel pretty stressed about it and am starting to pitter out but,  I feel like if I stop then I’m going to lose my momentum. One’a those kinda feelings. Plus the justification even if it might not be good is that ‘how am I going to handle a stressful workload when I’m in/out of college and or have a job?’

Not that I haven’t done it before... But I suppose the only point of reference I have is my old job and the thought of being stuck in that kind of position forever makes me physically ill.

I guess the motivation may be fear and some spite at this point but more fear than anything else. I at least enjoy the fact that I’m learning I’m not stupid at least. ...Not with math and programming anyway. The brain just needs to rearrange and get used to it is all.

Lately too I’m not really satisfied with any of my hobbies, I feel like I’m always wasting my time when I could be pushing myself to do more, but I know that’s a big mistake waiting to happen and like I’ve discussed with friends... It’s probably not a good idea to keep pushing myself this hard. The difficult part about that is me battling thoughts of “now you’re just being lazy”. Specially with the folks hammering down occasionally. Less mom, more dad. But he’s just that way. No one’s going to be givin’ me grief when I’m bringin’ in the bucks so I just have to bide my time until then.

...It’s just working to get to that point is what’s so difficult. The delayed gratification. It’s very hard when I don’t get rewards or tangible marks of success to keep me going.

A lotta folk have been busy over the spring, which is great! Like man, I wish I could pay attention to IRL and put more emphasis on that. But really I just wanna sit and play games and stuff like before :(  Typing that sounded extremely childish to me but I don’t know any other way to describe it. I guess being in la la land all the time is a bad habit of mine. Or it’s turned into one.

Not to mention my mood swings and I guess ‘pseudo manic phases’ make it very difficult for me to enjoy one thing for a very long or substantial time.

My brain’s a mess, I dunno how to cope with getting adult life settled or worked on lol. It just takes time. Logically I know this but haha, feels wise? Ahhhhhhhh. Just one day at a time... I really shouldn’t expect so much from myself in that I worked a shitty job for like 5 years and now I’m spring boarding into a new career. It’s not going to be instant. Still scared that I’m wasting my time and what have you but, I don’t see any other alternative at this point. Want to cope with my comfort activities but sadly those have a social aspect to them, and I will just have to be patient. I feel extremely selfish in that I guess a lot of those activities and  games were things that got me through the day. But they became a crutch, now I’m stumbling when I really need to work on learning how to walk. I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it... I kind of have to.

Again I could go round and round repeating myself but if anyone’s read the past entries of this series then they have a fair idea of how I am already. I just like to complain rhetorically. I’ve already over-analyzed everything 20 times over, believe me. I know what to do/what I should be doing but I don’t feel that way. Etc etc etc...

In the meantime... I reeaallly really want to fix up these orchids... That’s what’s bothering me the most right now. I don’t wanna kill them by being a dumdum regarding plants ;-;

[terrible-twst-oc-ideas]

3 Terrible Three Questions - Halloween Edition

Question 1: How do you celebrate Halloween? Do you do anything specific to celebrate?

🌰 Oh! My granny and I always used to go pumpkin picking. We’d pick out one pumpkin each, and then go home to carve them. They were never very good jack-o'-lanterns, but we had fun making them. The best part though was what we’d do with all the innards afterwards– we’d bake with them! We’d always make roasted pumpkin seeds and pumpkin nut muffins, and then pick out a new recipe to try, usually one that seemed weird. Last year, we made pumpkin pasta, and it was actually really good! I won’t be home to bake with her this year, but I am still planning to keep up the tradition while I'm at school. Granny even sent me a few recipes to try.

🎶 Not particularly. When I was still attending school in Fleur City, we’d usually participate in the Topsy-Turvy festival instead of celebrating Halloween. Our teachers would have us gather in the square and allow us to enjoy the festival at our leisure. I never liked it much – it was always too bright and chaotic – so I’d usually try to sneak off somewhere quieter. One year, I think when I was about seven or eight or so, I got it in my head that I’d simply walk all the way back to the school. I only made it to Noble Bell College’s main street when I was found and promptly returned to my teachers by one of the students, who’d recognized my school uniform. I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but it probably saved me a lot of trouble…

🏹 Well, when I was younger, I used to compete with all the neighborhood kids at trick-or-treating. None of us would ever play fair, but that was part of the game – we’d all find the sneakiest way to collect as much candy as possible without getting caught cheating. Like, if you just bought bags of candy from the store or got it from your house, you’d get caught for being too obvious, and same for saving candy from previous years or holidays. I always had a winning strategy, though: I’d start early, get my brother to trick or treat with me for double the candy, and have him drive me around to different neighborhoods for maximum candy-age. It definitely worked every time.

Question 2: Do you enjoy horror media?

🎶 I don’t like horror movies, but I do appreciate a gothic horror novel every now and then, especially in the colder months. The idea of exploring an old, secret-filled castle or mansion has always stirred up my imagination, ever since I was a kid listening to my hometown’s old legends… It's admittedly my favorite thing about living in my dorm.

🏹 Uh, yeah, of course! I’m a horror movie champ. I can watch any of those movies no prob, and totally don’t get scared and wanna hide behind my brother or anything… I’ve never understood why he likes all those movies so much…

🌰 Um… no. Horror’s admittedly not my thing. Though, I might entertain seeing a horror movie on a date. The idea of cuddling a partner during a scary scene does have a particular romance to it...

Question 3: Do you usually dress up for Halloween? If so, what are you going as this year?

🏹 Yup! And this year, I'm going as a chimera! Been planning the costume since August, and I’ve already got all the stuff for it. It’s totally gonna wipe the socks off of the judges of the school’s costume contest this year.

🌰 I do enjoy dressing up when I can, usually in something elegant. This year, I’m planning on going as a ghost prince. I found this lovely sparkly white suit on clearance at the formal wear store in town, and I can’t wait to wear it.

🎶 No, but that hasn’t stopped Delano from trying to get me to wear something. He even went out of his way to buy me this vampire costume that... does have a particular classical and gothic quality to it… hmm. I think I'll probably end up humoring him and wear it, just so it doesn’t go to waste.

[the1975attheirverybest]

Hi I asked you earlier about if I talk to you about something, so, I've been a fan of the 1975 and Matty himself since november last year, immediately I got obsessed haha, started a having page, and bought the ticket for their show, like half year ago, this was something that let me go through a lot of bad times,i was thinking about it everytime I was feeling done with life, I thought it's going to be the best day of my life, I was waiting for it, imaging how will it go, like I thought it's going to be crazy for me, but right before the show I had conflict with my mom about how will I get there, I went with her but she wasn't feeling good, It was super rushed because I didn't know how and if I'll get there, I wasn't really mentally prepared, I didn't have time to be happy and excited about it before, all I was feeling was stress, while I was there I met some people that were distracting me, Was trying to record but all the footage is useless because my camera was broken, I wasn't fully present in that concert, I wasn't fully there, I didn't fully enjoy it, I feel like I ruined it for myself, could be the only time that I was able to see them ever, and I ruined it, I don't feel good, excited like it was fun like I just seen fucking Matty Healy on stage and WTF is wrong me what kinda fan and person I am, i am being really sad and depressed today , feels like a whole half of year was pointless and went to waste idk im sorry for this being so long but I wanted to talk to someone about it, how am I fan and have all these feelings but feeling nothing about the concert that I was sorry if it's too much Hope it makes sense

Awwww, honeyyy I’m so sorry to hear this. Sending you lots of hugs 💗💗

It sounds to me like your feelings aren’t necessarily about the show or the band or the moment, but about the rough day that you had that night. Which makes total sense to me. I’m almost scared to go with people to my show in August just cuz I don’t know how my brain will handle trying to socialize AND be absorbed in the show. And, I don’t know about your mother, I hope you have a better relationship with her than I do with my mom, but if mine was there we would just end up stressing each other out and it would 100% ruin the moment.

You’re a fan of the boys, yeah, but you’re also a human being and you can’t control how you feel so why judge yourself for it, you know? By all accounts, you had a crappy day. And it’s hard to be mindful and present when all that has happened and was happening around you at the same time as the show. But you still got the ticket and went even though you had a difficult day, and that means something! And, hey, I’m almost certain you’ll get a chance to see them again. They don’t seem like they’re ending the tour any time soon. And now you know what to expect/prepare for and you know to prioritize your peace of mind over anything else when the opportunity comes again.

So, what kind of fan are you? The human kind. The kind that has a full complex being and life. All of which can get in the way sometimes. That’s totally normal. I bet even Matty has those days. Where he’s excited to preform cuz he loves us and loves his job but has whatever else going on in his life as well. And George was looking “angry” the other day or whatever it is that people were saying. Everyone has moments like that and it doesn’t make you any less of a fan. I bet Matty Fuckin Healy would 100% understand. We all definitely do. Don’t be so hard on yourself, love 💗

[purplesurveys]

1650

do you ever do these surveys with your SO? we do all the time I never did when I had one; I like that this is one of the few things in the world I can keep for myself.

have you ever totally lied or made up ridiculous answers for surveys? There’s absolutely no reason for me to lie on these lol.

do animal furs upset you? Yes.

who picks the music when you’re riding in the car? I drive alone most of the time; otherwise when it’s my family headed out it’s either me or my sister who connects to the Bluetooth 50%-50% of the time.

do you have a waste basket in your car? Nah, I just shove trash in whatever bag I’m bringing at the time and then toss it out once I can find a trash can. 

what’s the Spanish name for your favourite food? Is there a Spanish word for sushi...? If there is, I have no idea what it is.

do you know anyone who regularly uses a bike for transportation? In this extremely bike-friendly country? Hahahaha. Everyone I know either drives, has a driver, or takes a Grab.

do you consider audio books not really reading? It still is. Just not my preferred way of doing so, though. My attention span is like...3 seconds long.

strangest thing you’ve ever put in the trunk of a car? A MEGA FUCKton’s worth of dog food. I handled a dog food brand for work and stupidly agreed to pack 50 influencers’ worth of PR packages, so all the damn food bags got sent to me. It was like 10 boxes of 2kg and 5kg bags, and then there was also a fucking army of 10kg and 15kg bags sent over. Didn’t even all fit in my room, so some of them I had to briefly store in the trunk. Worst experience ever, didn’t get to sleep in my bed for like two nights, my mom was understandably fuming, and I’m never doing something like that again.

do you carry matches or a lighter? Neither, I’m scared of fire lol.

do you keep socks with a hole in them if they are your favorites? I don’t have a favorite pair, but I’m also not the type to throw out a sock just because it has a hole. People don’t even see socks most of the time, so I don’t see the point in immediately getting rid of it.

last time you wore clothes that were too small on you. Can’t recall. I’m usually too tiny for clothes, lol.

have you ever frightened someone on purpose. not as a tease but to seriously? Good question. I don’t think I have; I hate the idea of terrorizing someone on purpose like that. Does it count if I’ve been forced to say something to someone that I know will scare them, even if I didn’t want to scare them? It happened a couple of weeks ago when I had to tell my mom that Cooper bit my face and that it was bleeding everywhere.

have you ever had something taken away from you by airport security? I know my mom and I got stopped for a bit at Shanghai because she apparently had something in her bag that shouldn’t be there, but the language barrier was rough and we couldn’t figure out what it was they wanted us to take out. Anyway, eventually we found The Thing but I can’t for the life of me remember it anymore hahaha.

what’s the last wild animal you have seen? Idk...do birds count?

something you were surprised to learn about your parent’s childhood? That my dad’s family’s financial situation got super dire at one point that he was once sent home from school by the nuns in charge so they can explain to his parents that he could technically be kicked out, but because he was doing so well in school they were going to let him stay. Also, my mom’s family got robbed once and they managed to get their grand piano.

do you store any non food items in the fridge? Just face masks – the skincare type, hahaha. Funny how you have to clarify that now.

have you ever told a friend you thought their parent was hot? Not really hot but I have told a few friends that their mom is really pretty.

what was the last thing you bought from a gumball machine? how long ago was that? Well...a gumball hahaha. Not sure, must have been over a year ago.

have you ever destroyed another person’s belongings out of anger? I would never do that. Anger fades out; the things you say or do in the moment won’t.

plain band aids or fun ones? I never got the cartoon Band-Aids as a child so that’s what I stock up on these days to heal my inner child lmao. Just this weekend I got teddy-bear themed ones.

which pain killer do you use? Paracetamol.

have you ever used someone else’s Rx med? No.

have you ever borrowed underwear from a friend? Nah.

would you like to be part of a wedding party? Sure, I haven’t been to one since 2007 so I’m just waiting for one of my friends to get hitched lol so I can experience what weddings are like now.

last pair of shoes you threw out and why? My high-top Chucks; wasn’t wearing them anymore. have you ever thrown anything up to hang on the power/phone lines? I have no reason to do so.

have you ever really stayed up all night to do homework? I never cared all that much for school, so no. For work, latest I’ve stayed up was around 2 AM. I’d never pull an all-nighter for something that’s separate from my personal life.

have you ever had anything stolen from you? Yep.

if you could make up one rule for all your friends, what would it be? Idk, seems weird and dickish to make them follow something.

do you pay attention to people’s posture? Well, only if it’s noticeable enough I guess. do you have a creepy uncle, or have a friend who has one? Not when sober at least.

alarm clock, or do you use your phone? Phone. Never had an alarm clock. have you ever backed into a cactus? ouch! Nopes.

do any of your relatives not have home internet? It’s very unlikely.

when you get the munchies, do you want sweet or salty? Salty most of the time. something you taught yourself how to do? Read Korean. And basic embroidery.

[the141ghost]

Simon didn’t even try stifling his laugh over the fact that Johnny immediately called him out on his shitty description.

He shrugged half-heartedly. “Yeah, well… Not like I’m there enough t’be able to give you a good an’ proper description of the place, am I?”

It was partially true.

He was barely there, there wasn’t exactly any use in leaving around nice furniture for a burglar to take if they ever broke in. But, another reason he didn’t want to put down too solid of roots was because he knew he was already running on borrowed time. Between his life before the military and his life during, it was amazing that he’d managed to avoid kicking the bucket so many times.

He was well overdue a bitter reality check, but for now, it would have to wait.

Now, he had Johnny to think about. He had Johnny to decorate his house for, to get proper, nice furniture for, though he would most likely have to intervene with Simon's shoddy attempts at decorating. Was it even an attempt if you didn’t do it at all, actually? He didn’t think he had a single decoration in the whole house. 

He had the necessities; a mattress, a fridge, a microwave and kettle, and a fully functioning bathroom. There wasn’t an oven in the house when he had moved in, and he’d never bought one to fill the gap between his counters. He wasn’t going to be there, let alone actually use the bloody thing, so why would he waste the money?

Johnny might ask him to buy one. He’d just tell him to pick his favourite, he could use it whenever he stayed over, as much as he’d like.

And Simon decided, very quickly, he’d like it if he stayed over a lot.

He was, unfortunately, very well aware of his… questionable cooking attempts.

Hence why he has a secret stash of Dairylea Lunchables in his office on base, he’d even bought a little fridge for the sole purpose of putting food away. He did typically need to devour at least five of them at a time to sate even the tiniest bit of his hunger, but after that, he would usually manage to find himself some real food.

Johnny… maybe didn’t need to know that yet, actually.

“Alright, you can cook,” he agreed, one corner of his lips curling up into a lazy smile. “So long as I get to watch you.”

The comment about Johnny telling his mum he didn’t want to go with Simon did amuse him, however. While he fought the urge to mock even the idea of Johnny ever saying something like that, he managed out a fairly coherent sentence, though it was still laced with humour.

“Well, whatever little Johnny wants, yeah?” He may have spoken teasingly, but it was the fucking truth. 

Whatever Johnny wanted, Simon would find a way of getting it to him, no matter what it was. Considering that Simon would wholeheartedly say he’d never felt like this about anyone before, Johnny was really shoving him headfirst into the deep end. Simon didn’t have the best survival instincts when it came to the Scot, though. He took it all in, finally allowing himself to stop his lungs from burning and aching, and to just… feel what he’d desperately wanted to for all these years. Like taking that first breath of water when you were drowning, it almost felt like a high. Everything stopped hurting, you weren’t scared anymore.

Simon quite liked the idea of drowning in John MacTavish, and now, he could. He wasn’t scared, not of Johnny.

Never of Johnny.

He didn’t know why, but hearing that Johnny had a ‘thing’ for him nearly elicited a reaction that would have put everything else to shame. Hearing that Johnny loved him? That, quite truthfully, might be what actually kills him.

But, hearing something so casual and yet so much of a turn-on…

Well, that nearly fried Simon’s brain altogether. A thing. What did that even mean? And why was Simon’s entire body flushing with heat at the insinuation of what it might mean?

God, he needed a cold shower…

His touch-starved side only reared its head further when Johnny continued, making him into even more of a blushing mess than he already was. He wondered if he should feel stressed that Johnny’s mother would find out. But, from their brief interaction, she seemed respectful and kind enough. And, she was kind to his Johnny, so as long as Johnny was happy with it, then Simon was, too.

Simon was sure that the first time Johnny referred to him as his boyfriend, he would genuinely die. The crushing warmth that he imagined Johnny saying it with would rival the fucking sun itself. He’d let it all burn to hear those words come from Johnny’s mouth.

It was going to be an absolute minefield to navigate, Simon was sure, especially while at work. He was still Johnny’s superior after all, he wouldn’t want anyone to accuse Johnny of trying to climb the ladder unfairly or him giving Johnny any special treatment—even though he already did.

They’d have to keep sneaking around on base, at least at first. They’d stick to formalities—or as formal as they usually were, changing anything now would just add suspicion—especially around their higher-ups.

Simon would make it work, though. So long as it was Johnny, he’d always make it work.

A small frown teased at his lips as his mind continued to wander. Would Johnny find it hard to take orders from him now? That wasn’t really something that should happen in a relationship, should it? It should be equal, everything, at least that was what Simon had heard. Once they were both better, he’d risk broaching the subject, make sure that Johnny wasn’t getting cold feet about the situation.

Honestly, Simon didn’t find he was too worried about the prospect of having to sneak around while at work. They’d pretty much been doing it anyway, though now they could actually find a private moment to themselves to do things that Simon had only dreamed of doing with Johnny. 

Price clearly approved. If he knew the man well enough, and he liked to think he did, he was probably already making mental plans of what paperwork he needed to edit or ‘lose’ in order to keep his boys safe and secure.

Worst case scenario, he’d have to edit it himself. If, for example, he and Johnny had gotten together when they were both Sergeants and only later had Ghost been promoted to lieutenant…

Well, that wasn’t breaking any rules, and it wasn’t something anyone could try and deny, either.

“You’re probably going to be in here longer than I am, mind you,” Simon began, stretching his legs out with a quiet groan. Everything fucking ached. “Or… at least some hospital. Could always get your surgery recovery done at one closer to my place, get you into PT up there, too. Unless, y’know, you fancied hanging around closer to base while you got fixed up enough to travel. Gaz and Price probably know more about, uh… that kind of thing. Feeling wise.”

Simon really had to fight the urge not to call it ‘our place’ when he was referring to his house. Johnny had shown interest, and that was more than enough for him to hand the fucking keys over then and there.

“A- Johnny, if at any point, you change your mind about all this… Just… Tell me, yeah? I’m a big boy, I can take it.”

It won’t break my heart. It was already broken a long time ago. You would have just given me a little more life, a little more hope. More warmth in a soul that was so frigid I didn’t ever think it would be able to thaw again.

“I’m happy you fancied coming back with me. And… As fucked up as it sounds, Johnny, I’m happy we almost died together. If we hadn’t… Fuck, this wouldn’t have happened, would it? Would’ve just continued dancing around each other until one of us took a round to the head.”

Johnny rolled his eyes at Simon’s ‘description’ of the house. “I asked wha’ it’s like, not what the bleedin’ listing fer it was,” he said with fond exasperation. He didn’t think he was going to get anything better than that out of him though, so he had to make do and imagine from that basic description.

He had always imagined Simon living in a flat in some city, probably either London or Manchester, so to find out he lived in a bungalow in a lovely neighbourhood was a bit of a shock, though not an unpleasant one. It sounded like an idyllic little place, something that was so completely opposite to Ghost that he found himself somehow even more excited to see this place, to explore this corner of Simon’s life that he had apparently predicted completely wrong. It sounded like someone else’s life entirely.

Also, he’d mentioned there was only one bed in the house…

The idea of doing something as normal and boring as going food shopping suddenly sounded like best day plans he’d ever made, if he was doing it with Simon. And going on an IKEA trip with him, too? It sounded perfect, like a couple moving into their first house together.

The thing that really stood out to him, though, was Simon’s mention of ‘every time’. Every time? Like he was already planning for this to be a regular thing, Johnny staying around at his, like it was something they might do every time they had leave. Or maybe even just take leave, unprompted, to spend some time away from work with each other… Now wasn’t a nice thought?

Simon seemed almost shy to be sharing this part of himself with Johnny, like he was nervous he might judge him for it. Which was a ridiculous idea, honestly, because… well, okay, depending on what he saw he might judge him, but it was never going to put him off. If it turned out this place was a shithole? Or that it was as undecorated as his room on base? Well, Johnny would just have to help him redo the place.

As best he could with half his bones broken, that was.

“Aye, that sounds perfect,” he agreed, realising he hadn’t spoken yet, too caught up in his dreaming, “And ye better be lettin’ me cook, I’ve seen some o’ yer attempts here. Disgraceful.”

Johnny was going to reply nicely, until Simon called him that.

“Well, I was gonna say she will be, but maybe just fer tha’ I’ll tell her I dinnae wanna go,” he scoffed, “Bastard.”

But, because he was nice, he still gave Simon a proper answer.

“She’ll be fine wi’ it, don’ worry. She, uh… ye probably already guessed she knows I, y’know, have a thing for ye, bu’ I reckon she’s probably worked out it’s mutual by now, too,” he thought specifically of them staring into each other’s eyes with Johnny’s hand pressed against his heart, “So… when I tell ‘er I’m staying wi’ you, she’ll probably work out we… talked about it.”

He really wasn’t sure what language to be using here. Made it official? Had they done that? Was Simon alright with Johnny calling him his boyfriend, provided it was not in a work context and would not get them into trouble?

God, he hadn’t even thought about that yet. Their relationship was definitely not allowed. How on earth were they going to dodge around that?

[riverstardis]

step right up:

here we go😬

“there he is! dr quickdraw! firing off resignations like there’s no tomorrow” “it is heartwarming to know that my career’s such a joke to you” “don’t sulk nibbles i’m just glad you chose us over that trip down under” “really?” “now i can throw you the best welcome back night out ever! i’m talking shots, strippers, dancing on tables til your feet bleed” “ooh yes you know me so well”/s sjskkfkfkg i miss themmm also it’s funny to think that cal didn’t even know he was leaving and would’ve only found after he’d decided to stay because he wasn’t on shift in the previous ep

ethan’s new mantra “find good in every scenario. positive internal mind projection” yeahh that ain’t even gonna last into next episode i’m afraid bestie😭 cal’s like “you do realise that spells pimp?” he obviously didn’t sjskf “your new lifestyle choice is the way of the pimp! finally a profession to be proud of!” “shut up”

lmaoo big mac puts a photo of dixie up in the ambulance station and says to iain something about him missing that cheeky grin already and iain’s like “you’re joking aren’t ya? that’s not a grin, she’s gloating. we’d all love to shoot up the cornish coast, mac, christening every b&b with our new sexy lesbian lover. but alas, some of us have got responsibilities” 😭😭😭😭

charlie points out to cal that emilie’s there

sjsjjff dylan says to ethan “so i hear the big australian adventure is off, is it? i thought all people of your age wanted to travel to hot countries and bungee off canyons?” and he says “err no stomach for heights so not on the bucket list” they’re making sure to let us know he’s scared of heights ready for him facing that fear later in the episode

i wonder if he’s going to go to australia when he leaves next year then? though i’m sure his fellow passengers on that long ass flight will love him for travelling with a 2 year old💀

lmaoooo robyn “ethan, i just wanted to say i’m really pleased that you’re staying, especially after dixie left us for that hottie” “er, well, not much chance of that happening with me” “all you gotta do is ask!” SKDKFKFKF he just raises he eyebrows and robyn carries on “anyway, i bought us some celebratory doughnuts, and i saved you a jam one especially” “oh thank you, i’m actually allergic to the preservatives in those. it’s like hive city” 💀

emilie flirting with charlie sjskfkfk

“well that’s all i am really, local eye candy” gross😭

lol of course ethan ends up treating emilie, even after cal was looking for another doctor but specifically not ethan

but when cal comes in he tells him that lily needs his help and he’ll take over with emilie

“people usually think she’s just kicking off and i tell them that she’s autistic and i can see their brains thinking dustin hoffman, gambling genius. well i took her to vegas and she didn’t win us a penny so, total waste of a holiday” thank god she’s not an Autism Mom(tm) and has a sense of humour that isn’t about how much of a burden her daughter is

aww the autistic girl sash asks if she can wear ethan’s glasses and he’s like “of course, just don’t ask me to do any surgery without them” skdkdkkf

lmaooo rita’s like “i thought you said she wasn’t good with strangers?” and the mum’s like “oh no i taught her to only acknowledge the cute ones”

emilie calling cal son😬

lmao lily’s over-explaining the ct scanner to sash while she’s distressed and ethan asks her if all this is really necessary and she says that studies show people with autism respond best to descriptive imagery and like to know plans in advance and he’s like “yeah sure but they also say that everybody on the spectrum is different and i think you might be scaring her” and lily nods like yup sjskdkkf okay lily bestie don’t tell me you didn’t read those studies and relate an unusual amount hm?

aww sjskfj emilie notes that cal’s still so protective of ethan and starts telling a story “on holiday, seaside caravan. you were 4, michael- ethan just turned two. both ran off, hunting for crabs” before cal interrupts her

i really want to hear the rest of the story😭 i also wanna know why they went to a seaside caravan in the christmas holidays💀 (cal would’ve been in reception so it was probably in a school holiday, and with cal’s birthday being in february it could possibly have been half term except ethan just turned 2 so it must’ve been christmas)

another thing that interests me about this is that presumably if she was taking them on holiday it was before she started to struggle to look after them which means that it must’ve been some time after this that they were taken into care so cal must’ve been at least 5

cal offers to take ethan out for lunch instead of the wild night out and ethan says he’s far too busy but he does appreciate the gesture “uncharacteristically thoughtful as it is, it’s sort of rather touching so thank you” don’t be too touched bestie he’s just trying to get you off site so you don’t find out who emilie really is😭😭

“just because i wasn’t fit enough to be your mum, doesn’t mean i never wanted to be” :((((

okay but how did sash get from the hospital back to the fair so quick though??? and on her own???

poor emilie :(

actually that reminds me i was looking for a fic that i read ages ago and i was gonna make a post asking if anyone knew it but since i’m thinking about it i might as well ask here first before making a separate post. it was the lead up to them being taken away told in the form of letters to and from emilie. i don’t remember where i read it but i’ve checked my ao3 bookmarks and my ffnet favourites so it might’ve been on here, it is considerably more difficult to find fics on here after all

now how did she even get up there???

go ethan!!

“heights. why does it have to be heights?” sjdkfkfkkf

the obvious green screen😭

welp there go his glasses

this is so unnecessarily dramatic skskdkfkf

i swear his glasses just broke but now they’re intact?? maybe they’re a spare pair

oh yeah lmao sash points out his glasses are wonky and he says they’re his spares

lmaoo noel’s like “i didn’t think you had it in you buddy” to ethan and he’s like “positive internal mind projection” and noel goes “…pimp?” 😭😭

oop when i said ethan and jack never interact again apparently i lied

“the dynamic duo: mac-man and heartthrobin!” heartthrobin😭 there’s a hardy joke in there somewhere too😭😭

aww ethan thanking lily for convincing him to stay🥺

“it struck me today with sash, we make the perfect team” “yeah?” “you deal with the face to face interactions, allowing me to cut straight to the medicine, avoiding all unnecessary distractions” “by that do you mean people?” “precisely. go team!” SJDKFKJF I MISS THEM SO MUCH😭😭 also relatable

“huntingtons, it’s been known to affect mental health. sometimes years before symptoms show. when you felt you couldn’t care for us, the depression, it wasn’t neglect, it may have been your condition” :(

“emilie isn’t just a patient, she’s our mum” YOU MIGHT WANNA EXPLAIN A BIT MORE THAN THAT BESTIE😭😭 okay i know they probably just wanted a dramatic bit for the end of the episode and he presumably explains fully afterwards but still😭

edit: i just read this and crystal yu talking about lily and ethan’s friendship is just🥺 but she also confirms that the actress who played sash is autistic herself and this was her first tv role!

[letterstobojack]

How the hell do I say this

I've done a lot of terrible things in my life. I've hurt people, and knowing that it stings them, burdens me. Although I have not committed problems on a scale as yours, but it just feels... relatable to know how much your past mistakes will chase you wherever you go, and you can't do anything to remove the trauma that you've caused, and you feel extremely bad for it.

Watching you on my laptop screen didn't really fix me, it didn't flip my life. But what it did taught me is that I should be questioning the things I do around me. The terrible things I have done were because I didn't know any better because I'm just an 18 year old person.. the terrible things you've done were because your family never taught you moral values like parents should. But that doesn't excuse both of our bad behaviours, as it still affects the world around us. Our actions matter the most even if a lot of people say things like "saying sorry is the first step". And that's going to suck because bad habits die hard.

I don't want to waste this youth I have right now repeating the same mistakes I've done before, push away the friends I have, act all high-headed when I'm at the top.. I will be more self-conscious of myself. And you; BoJack; are are case study of what not to be. I swear to god, I was rooting for you when you became a professor, and when you agreed with your friend Diane that you should be coming clean first then continue with your already-improved life that had the new you in it, but then you turned back into the old you.. I don't want to be like that. I'm scared that I might because it's a possibility especially when you're in panic mode, but I really don't want to be like that.

About that letter from Hollyhock.. I don't know what the contents inside of it are. I felt bad for you because she was the only family member you had and you would never hurt her, you tried to made amends for her, but she looked at this issue with you under a different light, and I wouldn't blame her for cutting ties with you. A part of me wishes that your half-sister would forgive you in the future but that can only happen if you start to make genuine improvements. And that's where the hard truth comes in; reputation is so easy to tarnish, yet so hard to get. Which is why I would want to be more self-conscious about what I do from now on to prevent that from happening. That doesn't invalidate your ability to be better though, I've had multiple people not forgive me for causing stings to them but I need to face it.

Ironically, a few days ago I sent a letter by post to my ex, sending her back a pin she bought for me. Felt like I needed to do so because it was emotionally exhausting to be with her knowing the circumstances of our breakup. So why should I feel bad about BoJack receiving a letter from someone who genuinely think he's a selfish murderer and borderline pedophile if I myself cut ties with my ex using post as well.. Maybe its' because I'm looking at your views of the story.

I love you BoJack Horseman. I genuinely believe you're a man with conflicting feelings just like I myself am. I want to be a better person while still learning and admitting to my past mistakes. I want to be better. This show motivates me to do that, even though I made you a negative case study. And I hope you do too, whether your friends are there or not... after being persecuted in the courts, I really want a good ending for you.

[matryosika]

Day 7: Aphrodisiacs with Jisung

Wordcount — 5,144 words

Includes — Use of aphrodisiacs (their effects might be exaggerated for the fics' purpose, haha). Best friend!Jisung, perv!Jisung, conversation about sexual topics and mentions of sexual fantasies, dirty talk, penetrative sex, unprotected sex, creampie, fantasies of free use in the end.

Author's Note — Yeah I don't know what happened with the wordcount. Let's pretend I'm actually not a sucker for Han, but really... This was a special occasion haha. Please remember that english is not my first language so I apologize in advance for any grammar/spelling mistakes!

They weren't supposed to work. 

Or at least that much you thought, underestimating the cheap candies once you bought them at a local sex-shop, with no hopes whatsoever that you were spending your money on quality products. 

“I can assure you this is a waste of time,” you had told Jisung when you perceived him reluctant to follow your silly plan. “But we have nothing else to do, so we might just give it a try”. 

“Can't believe you spent money on this,” he sighed, shaking his head while he saw you going through all the flavors you had bought. “I am telling you, they are a scam”. 

“Well I got them already,” you huffed, almost giving up on convincing your best friend to try them out with you. “And I bought so many, so I might as well share them with you”. 

“I'll pass,” he rejected you, returning his undivided attention to the screen in front of you. “You don't even know what they are made of, we might as well catch some stomach virus or something”. 

“Is that it?” you asked him with a taunting grimace. “Or are you scared about the idea of them actually working?” 

“Come on,” he scoffed, avoiding the intense gaze staring at him. “You know they are bullshit”. 

“So have one,” you insisted, bringing the citrus flavored candy to him. “If they are bullshit, they won't work”.

He looked at you and then at the candy, intriguingly resting on top of your palm. In reality, he did think those products were a scam —they were nothing but a placebo effect. But in the back of his mind, he knew the possibility of them working was there.

And really, what would he do if the aphrodisiacs actually affected him? Even worse, what would he do if the aphrodisiacs affected him while being with you?

Jisung would never say such things out loud, mostly because he is ashamed of what goes on in his head, but he was truly afraid that the aphrodisiacs unleashed that part of him that he had tried hard to repress.

“What’s in it for me?” 

Typical Jisung.

“I’ll do your laundry,” you proposed, but he didn’t seem too invested. “For the rest of the year”. 

It was a good deal, he couldn't lie.

“All my laundry?” he asked, cocking eyebrows. “Socks, underwear and everything?”

“All,” you nodded. “Up until December 31st”. 

Jisung hesitated, but he finally reached out to grab the cherry flavored sweet. 

“How long does it take to kick in?” he asked you, fingers ripping the package open.

“25 minutes?” you replied, turning the candy wrap to see if the back of it had any helpful information. “I’m not too sure, I think that’s what the lady at the sexshop told me”.

He nodded and ate the sweet in one bite, chewing it slowly. “It doesn’t taste as bad as I thought,” he murmured, “I mean, it’s not the best, but it’s savory”. 

“Yeah, this isn’t bad either,” you said. “I’m pretty sure the citrus one is going to taste way better though”.

Jisung scoffed. “How many flavors did you buy?”

“All the flavors there were”. 

After 30 minutes and no signs of any kind of effects from the aphrodisiacs, fully convinced that they were not going to work, you and Jisung managed to empty the plastic bag full of colorful candy. 

At first, you were both hyper-alert to see if you could spot any weird feelings or sensations —a slight chill and a faint tingling sensation on your legs were pretty much all you felt throughout the waiting time, but it wasn’t anything out of this world and, at moments, you and Jisung even believed it was part of the placebo effect.

Fools.

“I’m so pissed,” you exclaimed, chewing on the last peach flavored candy. “I knew they weren’t going to work, but it would’ve been fun if they did”. 

For Jisung, it would’ve been everything but fun.

“It’s almost like you have never been aroused, ever,” he mumbled with sarcasm. Why were you so invested in aphrodisiacs, Jisung wonders? It’s not like you haven’t experienced real arousal before. 

“Yeah but aphrodisiacs don’t work just for that,” you explained. “Apparently they make you more sensitive, and everything feels ten times more intense. I don’t know, I saw a video a while ago and I haven’t stopped thinking about it ever since”.

Jisung wanted to ask what kind of video you were talking about, but he stopped himself —for his own sake, it was best to not know. Otherwise, if you were to tell him that you actively watch porn in your room, he would have ended up jerking off to that very thought that night. 

“Well,” your best friend murmured. “At least they were good”.

“At least,” you sighed.

And that sigh was followed by a comfortable silence that dawned upon the both of you, the only sounds flooding the living room coming from the movie Jisung chose for the night. A comfortable silence that was interrupted by your sudden need to tell your best friend all about that clip you watched. 

“The girl in the video came like… 3 times in less than 10 minutes,” you spat, recalling the aphrodisiacs video you found on twitter not too long ago. “It was in another language so I couldn’t understand a thing, but it seemed fun”. 

When you said that, Jisung felt a pang on his cock. It was too quick, too faint and almost imperceptible, but he blamed it on your words —there was no way on earth it was anything else but your voice saying such a thing.

“I felt pure envy,” you murmured, laughing. “She was lost in her own world, squirting and coming over and over again until her legs were shaking. I've never experienced that, so I thought about trying aphrodisiacs”.

“What would you do if they had worked?” Jisung asked you, not daring to make eye contact with you.

“Shit,” you sighed, amused by the thought. “I don’t know. Probably lock myself up in my room and just- I don’t have someone in mind who I would call in times like these, if that’s what you are asking”. 

“That’s not what I asked,” Jisung shook his head, swallowing thickly when he felt as if you had discovered his intentions. “I was just curious”.

“What would you do if the aphrodisiacs had worked?”

Jisung didn’t really want to know. 

Without aphrodisiacs, he was the horniest, neediest and desperate person he had ever met. He was the type to get hard at anything, especially by you.

And that was something that truly haunted him —you could be doing the most trivial, innocent things and his cock would find a way to get hard inside his pants.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I didn’t think about it, I wasn't even hopeful that they would work”.

“Well, think about it,” you told him, tilting your head. “How do you think you would act if you were stupidly aroused?”. 

Jisung didn’t need to think about it because he knew the answer. 

With or without aphrodisiacs, he jerked off at least 2 times a day —when he woke up or took a shower, and right before going to bed. Not only did he do it to relieve some tension or stress, but because he was always turned on. And it didn’t matter how many times a day he made himself come, it was never enough.

“Uh…” What was it that you wanted to hear? He could tell you were pushing the topic of conversation, but you didn't seem like you wanted to get anywhere with it. “Jerk off?”

“How many times?”

“God, I-” the questions kept getting more and more ridiculous, but a part of him insisted on giving you a proper answer. He could have stopped the conversation at any given time, really, but he didn’t. “I don’t know”.

Question after question, Jisung started to feel his skin getting hotter. It was almost as if the living room was shrinking in size, leaving him trapped in a small space just with you.

“Well, if the aphrodisiacs had work, I would’ve spent the whole night with my hand inside my underwear,” you scoffed, tilting your head. “Would try and make myself come like the girl on that video”.

When he felt another pang on his cock, way more intense than the last one, he couldn’t ignore it. 

“You would?”

Tonight, your words were coming out with no filter. Jisung didn’t need to ask about the video for you to fill him in on what it was about, and he definitely didn’t expect for you to answer bluntly honest to any of his questions.

“Yes,” you sighed. “Fuck I- I even purchased a few toys not too long ago. I haven’t tried them all yet, but I’m planning to. Maybe tonight, or during the weekend when you are not around, I don’t know”. 

When you said that, Jisung remembered the package that arrived at your doorstep a few days ago. You weren’t home so he texted you to see if you had purchased anything online, and your reaction was rather strange.

“Leave it in my room,” you had told him over the phone, weirdly nervous for such a trivial thing. “Uh, it’s for… it’s a gift, my friend’s birthday is coming up”. 

Not only were you a terrible liar, but Jisung was an exceptional lie detector. 

“The package you received on monday?”

It didn’t make any sense how hard you tried to prevent him from snooping through your stuff only to end up admitting what the package was about a couple of days later.

“Yep,” you laughed, pushing a few strands of hair away from your face. 

“What kind of toys?”

The idea of you noticing how nosy he was being scared him, but you didn't seem to mind. And because you didn’t seem to mind, he didn’t seem to care —the more you answered, the more he questioned you.

“I bought a dildo, a wand, even some nipple clamps…” you couldn’t recall every single item you had bought online, but that was more than enough of an answer for him. “I tried the dildo already, but I haven’t taken my time with the others”. 

The image of you, laying on your back with your legs spread and your hand forcing a dildo inside your cunt was something that he couldn’t let go of that easily. 

“What color is it?” Jisung asked you, visibly eager to know such a random fact.

It might’ve been random for anyone, but not for him —if you were giving him the opportunity to lore into your deepest secrets, then he was going to get as many details as possible. 

He was much more a detail-oriented person rather than one who took into account the bigger picture.

“A clear one,” you replied. “Transparent. It looks cool”. 

He unconsciously stared at your thighs, fantasizing about the image you had engraved into his mind —your hand moving roughly against your pussy, burying the toy deep inside you while you desperately tried to hit that one spot that could assure you the pleasure that the girl in the video was feeling.

He felt bad for even thinking about you that way —you, who had been nothing but a sweet, caring best friend. More often than not, Jisung thought it was inappropriate to have such perverse thoughts about you, especially because you had never done anything for him to think them in the first place. 

He might’ve been staring at your thighs for too long, because he didn’t even feel your palm resting on his knee, softly stroking it while your eyes were fixed on such a scene.

“Didn’t think they would kick in, huh?”

When you asked him that, he immediately stared at his crotch, noticing what he had been fearing for all the years he had been living with you.

His first instinct must have been to try to hide his erection with a cushion, or perhaps lean over himself to prevent you from seeing his bulge. But, in the midst of things, Jisung did nothing.

“I didn’t think they would kick either,” you continue without taking his eyes off him.

You were shamelessly staring, and he was shamelessly showing himself off —it was a weird dynamic, but none of you bothered to change anything from it. “But I can feel it now”.

Your nipples were painfully erect underneath your t-shirt, and your cunt was soaking wet to the point that your folds were sticking to your underwear.

“What exactly do you feel?”

Jisung’s question was ambiguous, but it awakened endless responses in you.

“I feel desperate,” you replied, tilting your head at him. “I can’t stop looking at you and wondering how it would feel to have you inside me”.

You didn’t know if it was you or the aphrodisiacs talking, but those were thoughts you already had prior to that day. Maybe the candies gave you the courage to say so out loud, but your attraction towards Jisung was definitely not a product of the whole situation. 

“How do you think it would feel?”

Your hand was still on his knee and your eyes were fixed on his crotch, his words looping in your brain while you tried to explain yourself.

“Good,” you barely managed to say, feeling the skin on your palm burning because of the contact. “Feel like- you can fill me up real good. Even better than the dildo I bought”. 

“It doesn’t feel as good as the real thing?”

“Nu-huh,” you replied, shaking your head. “Bet you would feel a thousand times better”. 

“Me?” he asked you, luring you into saying something else so he could act on it. 

“Yeah,” you replied. “When was the last time you fucked?”

The question took him by surprise, but he still answered it.

“3 or 4 months?” He exhaled, licking his lips while feeling your touch going higher and higher on his thigh. “I- don’t know. I’ve been busy these days”.

“That’s a lot of time,” you purred, gripping his thigh softly. “Aren’t you stressed?”

You were practically putting yourself on a silver trail for him, and Jisung liked that as much as he hated it —on one side, his cock was twitching in excitement for the possiblity of being able to fuck you, the main character of his wet dreams; on the other, he hated how shy he was acting. Up until that point, Jisung was sure he was giving you the wrong impression.

“Where are we going with this?” he asked you, out of the blue. It had been minutes of teasing and beating about the bush —you were provoking him to do something, but it seemed as if that was the only initiative you were willing to take.

“The aphrodisiacs worked on us,” you spat, as if the elephant in the room wasn’t obvious. “And we are here, we both need- I think we need each other, and-”. 

“You want me to fuck you?” Jisung’s heavy breathing and your loud heartbeats resonated through the living room, even while the movie was still playing in the background. It was a risky move, but he knew you were not going to reject him.

You definitely wouldn’t. 

“Yes, but I don’t think we should,” you sighed, followed by a frustrated groan. “Fuck, I can’t- think straight”. 

Perfect.

He copied your actions and placed one of his hands against your thigh, the warmth of your skin burning his palm. 

“We don’t have to talk about this,” he proposed. “Hm? What do you think?”

“I can’t just not think about it,” you murmured, half-lidded gaze making eye contact with him. “I’m not scared about things getting awkward between us- I’m scared of not being able to stop”. 

“What do you mean?”

“Like,” you let out another frustrated groan and shifted your position on the couch to face him. “If we fuck tonight, I’m sure it is going to happen again. And again. And again.” 

“And so?”

“We live together” you exhaled, as if the answer wasn’t rather obvious. “It is going to get weird”.

“So you don’t want to, then?” his hand moved from your thigh to your hip, and you melted under his touch.

His hands were big, and somewhat rough, and the fact that he was touching you in places he had never touched before was only making it worse for you to think clearly. 

“No, I do want to-” you sighed, hypnotized by his intimidating gaze. “I need you, really need to be fucked”. 

“But?”

“But you are my best friend!”

“And you are mine,” he exhaled, murmuring his words with a husky voice. “That doesn’t mean I don’t fantasize about you all the fucking time”. 

It was supposed to be a secret but, in the midst of things, Jisung didn’t seem to care about the information going out of his lips.

It was almost as if the aphrodisiacs were some kind of drug that forced you to speak the truth. 

“God,” you sighed, pushing your hair back nervously. “You aren’t making this any easier”. 

“Why not?” he asked you, dragging his hand from your hip to your waist. “This is kind of your fault”. 

The aphrodisiacs.

“What do you suggest, then?” you asked back with a pinch of sarcasm. “You suggest we fuck and then forget all about it?”

“Why not?”

There were a million reasons why that suggestion was anything but right; there were another million other things you two could do to try and ease the aphrodisiac’s effects, yet you knew you needed Jisung more than he needed you. The endless nights of masturbating to the thought of his voice, his hands and him were proof of it.

“Promise we will forget about it?” you queried, melting underneath his touch. “Pretend it never happened and never talk about it?”. 

Jisung’s eyes were fixed on your lips, his cock twitching at the idea of getting to feel them against his. 

“I can’t promise you that,” he whispered, voice turning deeper the more aroused he got. “I don’t think I could ever forget how it feels to be inside you”. 

You closed your eyes in defeat, blaming the aphrodisiacs for not allowing you to think logically.

But really, what else could you do if not give in? The mere touch of his hand was burning against your skin, you felt tingles all over your body and the way he whispered those dirty words got you wondering what he would sound like while fucking you.

“Don’t think I could ever forget how pretty you look while having my cock inside you,” he murmured, lips approaching yours.

Jisung knew it was only the beginning. The more he talked, the more your body reacted, and he couldn’t ignore how you squeezed your thighs together every time he said something dirty. 

“Best friends do this kind of stuff all the time, anyways,” he murmured against your lips, too close to feel his breath caressing your face, yet too far to be able to taste him for the first time, ever. “Okay?”

Okay.

You didn’t answer, but you didn’t need to —your lips were already pressed together, parting them ever so slightly so that your tongue could meet his. You've kissed many lips before, yet none of them felt like Jisung's did —they were wet, and bold, and they tasted oh so good that you craved to kiss him more, even when you were already doing so.

It was just a kiss, yet your body reacted as if it was something else. Your hips were grinding unconsciously against his touch, your clit was aching to be played with and your nipples were poking through your shirt, begging for his attention.

“Fuck,” you whispered in between kisses, a few beads of sweat forming on your forehead and nape. “It feels so weird”.

More than feeling weird, Jisung felt pain. His cock was so hard it hurt, and he seemed too desperate to take off his clothes.

“Can’t fucking wait,” he groaned, trembling hands finding the hems of your shorts. “Please let me- Want to know how badly you want me”.

His fingers slipped inside the elastic of your bottoms, guiding them expertly to that one place he was dying to explore. He needed to feel your warmth, to be sure that your body reacted the same way he did.

“Don’t tease me,” you swallowed thickly, eyes fixed on the veins of his hand and arm. The cold rings on his fingers made you shiver, and the anticipation of getting to feel his touch somewhere he hadn’t touched before made your heart skip a beat. “Please”.

“The fact that I’m your best friend doesn’t matter anymore, hm?” he scoffed with cockiness, the tip of his middle and ring fingers pressing against your swollen clit on top of your dampened underwear. 

“Shit,” you sighed again, rolling your hips against his hand. 

You were much more sensitive than usual, and Jisung wondered if you had always been this way or was it just the aphrodisiacs’ effect.

“So wet,” he groaned, tracing your clothed slit. “Just like I’ve always imagined”.

Perhaps it wasn’t much of a secret that Jisund dreamt about fucking you for as long as he can remember —you clearly recalled a few times you caught him staring at you in an odd way. But the possibility of him being attracted to you wasn’t as arousing as him actually telling you all the filthy and perverse things he thought about you, even while you weren’t aware of it.

“What else have you imagined?” you asked him, desperate to get rid of your clothes. “Want to know all of it”.

Jisung licked his lips while he stared at you undressing for him, exposing yourself completely to him for the very first time.

And definitely not the last one.

He stared at your breasts for what felt like ages, before he caught a glimpse of your glistening, swollen cunt that was asking for him to use it. 

“You,” he murmured in awe, his cock leaking precum and staining his pants and underwear. “Sucking me off, letting me come inside your mouth”.

“What else?”

You’ve always been a sucker for dirty talking, but hearing him saying all those things was completely different from what you were used to. 

“Fucking you raw,” he continued, feeling his skin burning when your hands desperately reached for the hems of his shirt and helped him get it off. “Getting to come inside you a couple of times a day, watch my cum leaking out of your pussy while you thank me for it”.

When your hands sneaked inside his pants and touched his hard bulge without a warning, Jisung bucked his hips against you.

The aphrodisiacs did wonders on turning you both more sensitive, and you couldn’t figure out if you liked it or hated it. 

“Is that what you think when you masturbate?” you asked, stroking his clothed erection. From time to time, Jisung’s hips twitched because of your touch, and he couldn’t help but feel pathetic for being desperate. “Don't think I don't know what you do when you lock yourself in the bathroom for hours”.

“Would that satisfy you?” he panted, breath hitching every time you squeezed his cock a bit too rough. “To know that I jerk off thinking about fucking you at all times?”

“Mhm,” you sighed, feeling your cunt clenching around thin air while you stroke him off. “And I can’t wait for you to actually do it”.

“Are you always this desperate?” he hissed, lowering his pants to reveal his hard, veiny cock. He wrapped his hand around the tip of it and smeared the precum all along it, moaning for you while doing so. “Or are the aphrodisiacs talking?”

“Both,” you admitted, eyes fixed on the way he played with his dick. “I’m always aroused but this- just made it worse”. 

“And have you ever thought about me this way?” he asked again, guiding you to sit on his lap with your cunt aligned with the tip of his length. 

“Yes,” you bit your lip, rolling your hips against his while your own fluids lubricated his cock. “It’s not- It’s just not the aphrodisiacs, I do want you. I’ve always wanted to feel you”.

Jisung traced your slit with two of his fingers, getting them all wet and slippery while your body trembled on top of him, “Yeah?”.

Before you could reply, Jisung lifted his hips so that his cock could enter you deep; the stretch was so sudden that it made you gasp, and the way your walls clenched around him almost aggressively at the unexpected stimuli made him groan loudly.

“G-god!” you cried, breath getting caught up in your throat the more he bottomed out. 

“This is what I feel like,” he hissed with a shaky voice, too lost into watching you falling apart on top of him. “Don’t need to imagine it anymore”. 

You bent forward to kiss him while having his cock deep inside you, forcing him to stay like that for a while as you got used to his length. Your lips hungrily attacked his in a sloppy kiss, one who knew neither rhythm nor gentleness —it was like you both were too fucked out now to reciprocate each other’s kiss, but you didn’t care.The messier the kiss was, the more you clenched around him and, although his cock was already inside you, it still hurt.

“Can I fuck you now?” he whimpered in between kisses, his voice sounding unrecognizable to you —the husky, deep tone was long gone and was replaced by a whimpering, desperate one. “Want you to come around my cock”.

You nodded, still with your hands cupping his face and your lips devouring his. After that, Jisung lost no time in starting to move inside you at a slow pace at first, helping you get used to his cock while he deliciously explored your cunt. 

His hands grabbed your arse while he fucked your cunt with rough and deep thrusts, letting you feel all of himself inside you.

“Touch yourself for me,” Jisung asked, half-lidded eyes taking in all of the sight in front of him —his cock was going in and out of you with ease, your wetness providing the most delicious friction while your legs trembled in pleasure. “Want to see you playing with yourself while having my cock fucking you”.

He didn’t need to ask you twice before your digits were already rubbing your clit in circular motions, matching the same pace his thrusts had. 

“You feel so- hard inside me,” you moaned, struggling to maintain your position while your body threatened to plop down over his. “So fucking g-good”.

“You think your toys will ever feel as good as I do?” he groaned through gritted teeth, the pace of his thrusts becoming sloppier every second that passed by. “Don’t worry, I can take care of you”.

“Shit,” you whispered, closing your eyes when you felt the knot tightening inside your lower abdomen. “No, they don’t- feel as good, no”. 

“It’s okay,” Jisung murmured, forcing you to plop down on him while he continued fucking your pussy. “I can be your toy from now on”. 

The filthiness in his words were pushing you to the edge, one of your hands grabbing his shoulder for support while the other continued working on your clit, rubbing it sloppily and carelessly with the sole purpose of getting you to come. 

“Ji-” you cried, burying your face on the crook of his neck. “Yes- want to fuck your cock more”.

“Yes?” he queried, “Want my cock to be your toy? To be available for you to use whenever you feel like it?”

The thought he just engraved in your mind was the last push you needed to reach your orgasm —thinking about getting fucked by him every time you wanted, in all the different ways you craved, was more than enough to make you come around his cock. 

“Coming,” you cried, increasing the movement of your fingers while he did the same. “C-coming, Ji-”. 

He fucked you through your orgasm with rough thrusts, making your legs tremble and your eyes roll to the back of your head while you pathetically resented the effects of aphrodisiacs. It felt all more intense, more long-lasting. 

“God,” he groaned, hugging you tightly while you trembled on top of him and managing to keep his cock inside you, even while your body spasmed. “You’re going to make me come”.

“P-please,” you murmured quietly, trying hard to overcome the sensations your body was feeling. “Please come”.

He never stopped moving inside you, not even when he was hugging you and keeping you in place. He was just a few seconds away from his orgasm, but he wanted to keep on fucking you for as long as he was able to.

“You want me to be your toy then, huh?” he queried, licking his lips while he swallowed thickly. You nodded against his chest, moaning and crying in overstimulation every time his pubic bone hit your swollen clit. “Then, it’s only fair you get to be my toy too, let me fuck your tight cunt whenever I want”.

“Yes, yes, yes-” with shortness of breath, you agreed to everything Jisung was saying.

And that was not the aphrodisiacs’ fault, but your own.

“Yeah?” Jisung asked, too far gone to think the whole thing through. “I’m going to fuck you all the time, bend you over any surface and use your cunt as I please,” he hissed, feeling chills all over his body while his cock twitched inside you at the idea. “Gonna make you come as much as you ask me to, make a mess- out of you”.

When you cried and begged for him to do exactly that, Jisung couldn’t hold any longer. 

“Fuck I- Where do you-?”

“Inside,” you whimpered, straightening your body so you could see his face. “Want it there”. 

With sharp, deep thrusts, Jisung milked himself inside you until the last drop. He could even feel your walls squeezing him harshly, almost as if they were begging for more, and it made him feel dizzy.

It was truly something he had never experienced before.

You stared at him while he filled your pussy to the brim, hazy half-lidded eyes looking at you while he tried to stabilize himself. 

You both came hard, but it seemed as if the pleasure was elongated. You were both sensitive, and still aroused, and trying to figure out how to describe the experience you just had.

Trying to figure out what happened in the first place.

But it was safe to say that neither of you regretted it. At all.

[doomdays]

van gives her an amused grin,  even more curious now than she already was about what to expect from mikayla now that she’s out —- and here, with her, in a way so different than they’d ever been before.   ❝  that’s fine by me.  if you start acting too nice,  you might just scare me off,  ❞   she teases.  it’s not true, though — they’ve waited so long to get to here,  to a place where she and mikayla can be together in some capacity,  and van definitely isn’t about to waste that.  

their tongue clicks at the roof of their mouth,  eyes glancing up to avoid looking at her just yet.  a smile starts to spread over her lips anyway,  and she lets out a soft laugh that’s filled with something so light,  something she hasn’t experienced in so long.  ❝  i mean, i wouldn’t want to get in the way of whatever prison wife you’ve got now,  ❞   she claims,  finally looking back at her now,  only grinning more.   ❝  i don’t think that’s a claim you can make yourself.  you could probably only rely on someone who’s been with you before  .  .  .   ❞    spoken casually, as if not obvious they’re referring to themself.  but she’s definitely right about one thing — van isn’t all that sure that she could handle it,  because she imagines even just the lightest of touches from mikayla might set her on fire,  reignite something that has been shut down for so long now.   

she looks down,  hoping she’s not saying the wrong thing to mikayla,  because they can’t even begin to process what it’s really been like for mikayla these years locked away.  it couldn’t have been any real relief from their previous situation, which is why she’s so determined to really make her freedom worth it now.  ❝  yeah.  i can’t complain about being too bored.  i mean,  i’ve watched,  like,  a shit ton of movies over the years— and,  yes,  i do have a list for you to start,  ❞   she insists,  because of course she was thinking of her,  wondering if she’d like something and hoping for others.  

van scoffs,  raising a brow.  ❝  why not?  you definitely make the look work.  ❞   cheeks start to redden again,  and she grins back at her.  ❝  or maybe i just like seeing you in my clothes,  ❞   they admit.   she takes a moment,  allowing her eyes to wander down,  really taking in the sight of the woman she’d been surprisingly missing so much these past few years.  ❝  mikayla,  ❞   she says her name softly,  her teeth gnawing at the inside of her cheek for a moment as she tries to refocus.   ❝  it’s your first day of freedom.  whatever you want, i’m going to take care of it.  ❞    it’s both a general, honest statement and an agreement,  that yes,  mikayla’s chances are already great — if that’s what she actually wants and this isn’t just playful banter.  

mikayla doesn’t need to explain,  van already nodding their head as she starts to drive towards where the best burger in town is — at least,  based off the many list she’d mentally saved to prepare.  ❝  just a few blocks,  i think,  ❞   she says,  fingers gripping the steering wheel to remind herself again to not get too caught up in the flirting,  afraid that she may just pour too much hope into this just to lose it immediately as mikayla gets comfortable with her freedom again.  in a few minutes,  they’re parked at the restaurant,  and van glances back to mikayla again.  ❝  the door—  ❞   she starts to say,  almost feeling embarrassed by how shitty her truck really is now that someone else is actually in it,  even though she takes pride in having bought it herself,  but it gives her the opportunity to come close to mikayla,  even if it’s nothing.   ❝  it jams,  so you gotta  .  .  .  ❞   she starts,  scooting over slightly,  then leaning over mikayla’s body to grab onto the handle,  using her strength to try to push it open,  a small grunt slipping from her lips as it opens.  she’s closer now,  her heart beating faster,  and it’s too hard not to let her eyes find mikayla’s,  even harder not to let them glance down to her lips as she starts to pull back and away,  no longer leaning over her.  ❝  —- burgers?  ❞   

not nicer, exactly, but mikayla no longer feels the need to be excessively angry—she still harbors some, because she doesn't know how to let go of the most consistent feeling she's ever known, but it's not as suffocating as it used to be, because it's easier to breathe now that her father is dead. the urge to keep the entire world, especially van, at arm's length is no longer as pressing, because there's far less to be afraid of now. “ well, yeah. i said nicer, not nice. ” she doubts she'll ever be capable of that, considering the way she grew up, the way she had to be for the entirety of her life, but it's still some progress, regardless of how little.

when they were younger, mikayla wasn't able to find satisfaction in doing anything to make van blush, because she'd have to shut it down immediately instead, terrified of actually being open to it, but it's not like that anymore—finally, she's allowed to be smug about van's reaction, her head tilting to the side slightly. “ oh, is that why you picked me up? to get laid? ” she knows better than that, because all of the conversations they'd had over the past few years had to mean something more, even if mikayla isn't entire sure what. “ i'm better than i was last time. i don't know if you'll be able to handle it. ” that might not be entirely true, mikayla doesn't know—she had been some of the other inmates, mostly just to waste time, because she could, but it wasn't some excessive amount, both because mikayla could hardly stand the majority of them, and in later years, she found herself more looking forward to talking to van than anything physical with anyone else.

she does feel comfortable, although it has little to do with the clothes and more to do with just being here—outside the walls of prison, knowing she was free, that her father could never touch her again, that she was actually around someone who cared about her, despite her giving van every reason not to at one point. “ at least you were able to be bored out here, not in there. ” in some ways, being locked up reminded mikayla of being back in the wilderness again—the earlier months, at least, before everything got worse, spending every single day bored in the cabin, just waiting for rescue. at least in prison, she knew it would come eventually, while back then, there was no way of being sure. “ i don't usually wear sweatpants on dates. ” not that she's even been on one since high school, and even then, she hardly remembers them, because all had been for show and nothing else, a means of making her father happy, not herself. “ but sure, if it helps my chances of getting lucky tonight. ” she teases, mostly aiming to get another reaction out of them, now that she's able to actually see it—calls and letters weren't nearly as satisfying. “ considering what i've been eating for the past five— ” ( six, really, but she doesn't want to bring that up ) “ —years, i don't think i'm able to be picky anymore. but a cheeseburger would be nice. ”