#I’m so salty too because I’ve been too depressed and cold to shower and it took all my spoons to get in there

[emjoyy]

I think I just put face wash on my body rather than lotion and that’s how the start of my work week is going.

[achillieus]

let you down. (sebastian stan x reader)

summary: it's a universal truth but it's worth repeating; feelings eat us raw. or just an actor and a girl falling in and out of love over the course of three months.

(this was inspired by sebastian's visit to greece for his movie, monday, and is based on that, so that means in the story we’re in 2018. also i have this posted on ao3 too but while i’m writing the last parts i thought of posting it here too)

pairing: sebastian stan x reader

warnings: alcohol, sexual references, implied depression, sebastian desperately needs to hug the reader, infidelity, it's kinda slowburn because i love the yearning, this part is full of angst and built up tension,

part: 3/6

(other parts)   (masterlist)

Being Sebastian Stan is not a simple thing. Some days it makes him feel like he is only a porcelain face on screen. Nothing more than photographs and rumors. He had once told an interviewer he was scared people would never know the real Sebastian. What he meant was that he was worried he’d wake up one day and the real him would be vanished.

The world would have eaten him alive.

Walking you home, in empty streets in a small country makes it all easier. His mind is clear of dazzling thoughts and his heart is not racing up. He can smile and no one will be there to take a picture of him.

Somehow that makes him smile more.

And when he does, it feels like Christmas. And you are certain there will come a day where you’ll be so close to oblivion and unable to remember what mint tastes like or what your favorite color is, but you’ll still have the turned up corners of his mouth painted in your head.

He stops walking. You look at him confused. He’s fidgeting with his fingers.

“Back at the party,” he takes a long breath as if trying to slow down his heartbeat, “You were talking with that tall guy.”

He sounds terrified. You don’t understand why. He thinks it’s better that way.

“Yeah I was.” There’s a flicker of surprise in your voice.

“Do you know him well?” You realize you have stopped in front of a pharmacy, the halogen light above you, turning your skin a sick green color.

“I know he’s an actor.” You take a step, finding the courage to walk away from him. “He’s kinda famous here.”

You can hear him move close behind you.

“Do you want me to ask Argyris if he’s single?”

There’s mockery in his voice. It makes you feel intoxicated. It’s your turn to stop walking. Your gaze falls on his face and Sebastian can feel his eyes sting but he keeps them open; wide and pale blue.

Almost green, under this light.

“No.”

“Oh don’t be sh-“

“No, I mean it. I would never date a famous guy.”

“Why?” A hasted breath escapes his trembling lips. And for a moment you think of kissing him right there; in the middle of the street, but you never do.

His world moves too fast for people like us.

That’s what you want to yell back at him, but then you remember;

The evening Sebastian fell asleep in your couch, he was more than a famous guy. He was clutching on your pillow like a kid and he was humming to himself like your father used to.

And he smiled as he fell asleep.

There is no argument left in you. He’s just a boy.

“I’m scared.” Your words slowly suffocate him. He feels the weight of your heart pulling him down.

He nods.

/

The next two days pass in a blur. You can hear him laugh with people as they walk up the stairs to Argyris’ flat. You’re not used to him not stopping at your door. It makes your cheeks red and your eyes filled with salty tears.

You haven’t realized until now, but you’ve become dependent on his presence.

So when you open your eyes at 4am with your phone buzzing with an Instagram message, you bite your cheeks.

Are you awake?

You stare at the screen to make sure you read it all correct, until it turns black and then lights up once again.

Why are you scared?

You don’t have to be scared with me.

I’m trying. You want to answer. Help me. You want to answer. Please.

You put your phone away until the words turn blurry.

/

He’s back at your door the following night. He’s wearing a white tank top and his rings. He must have just finished shooting.

You keep staring at each other, both tongue-tied with the words you’ll never say. He looks worried and desperate. You look tired and desperate. Taylor Swift is playing in the background.

“No more AC/DC?” He laughs and your eyes smile.

“Do you want to talk?” He asks.

You shake your head like you’re at war with yourself.

“Do you want to just stay here?” Your voice is too silent but it’s almost deafening him.

Sebastian thinks that he wants tons of things. He wants to hold you. And he wants to touch you. Everywhere. And he wants to know why there’s sorrow surrounding you. And he wants to take it all away.

And he wants you.

But he knows that he can’t tell you that. These words are too heavy for you to carry on your shoulders. At least for now.

“I’ll stay.” He says with a breath.

You give him an almost smile and all you can feel is gratitude.

/

You lay in your bed together. You’ve slept with other guys in that bed before. And it’s been nude and sloppy and brutal. But this is different. This is intimacy in its purest form. You’re both fully clothed but you both feel naked. And so close. So close.

All Sebastian can hear is the sound of your breathing and every bone inside him is breaking. He is afraid he’s turning paralyzed.

And then you move your body and bring your forehead next to his. Sebastian inhales deeply. You smell of faded vanilla body cream.

You look at him and you know then you can get used to that. You bury your fingers in the hem of his shirt. You want him to come closer. He knows.

“I’ll stay love,” his voice is steady and sincere “Anytime.”

He calls you love because there’s nothing else to call you. He calls you love because you both need him too.

“I don’t think that’s possible.” Sebastian thinks you’re always too sensible. It’s something you keep between the hollows of your body. “But it’s okay.”

His hand is in your hair. It soothes you.

“What happened? What broke you?” he whispers.

You don’t know what to say. You don’t know how everything started. It's hard to remember but there is one image in the back of your eyes that crawls through your skin and makes you shiver. You try to ignore it.

“I don’t know.” He turns his gaze at you but you look at the cold ceiling. It’s so much easier this way.

He doesn’t answer. He just draws circles in the back of your palm and places his lips against the scalp of your head. And while you’ve never been much of a science person, you’re certain this is how a nuclear attack emerges.

/

When the sun rises and you wake up, he’s not there. Earth moves slowly as the cold sheets press against your skin.

It’s early, there is a soft breeze coming in from your open window. A man is bickering with this wife across the street.

You can hear her call him a liar.

I’ll stay love.

You can hear him yell his apologies.

Anytime.

Why do people lie? Why do we lie?

You don’t try to search for him. You take a shower and drink some chocolate milk. You pay attention to the silence in the room. You almost forget your heart is still beating.

/

You bump into Argyris’ girlfriend while taking out the garbage. You like her a lot. She’s strong and pretty and smart. You wonder sometimes, how exactly that feels.

You pray she doesn’t mention him. It doesn’t work.

“He must be flying right now.” Suddenly you feel as if there is something rotten inside your chest. It makes you want to graze your skin and throw away everything that's inside.

You look at her slightly confused.

“He’s flying to Toronto; he has to attend a festival there.” She smiles. You’ve noticed she always smiles.

You just nod and step out of the building. Her voice stops you.

“He’s coming back in some days.”

“I don’t care.” Now she laughs.

“There’s no need to lie.” You take a sharp breath. “He cares too.”

You want to believe her words but they seem like choke chains.

You throw your garbage away.

You keep your rotten chest.

/

Sebastian sits back at his seat and orders a hundred and one drinks. The airplane is chasing the sun. He’s chasing his thoughts. Neither will ever catch up.

He used to like travelling. Airports, suitcases and foreign hotel rooms made him feel free. Now they make him feel the opposite.

The material on his seat is rugged. He wants to go back to your soft sheets. He can’t.

And then he imagines a place and a time where he could just kiss you without any possible consequences. He imagines a place where you could rest your bodies together for a long time without worries weighing you down. He imagines a place where he gets what he wants. A place where that thing between you two is more than enough.

The sun blinds him. He closes the small window and then his eyes.

Being Sebastian Stan is not a simple thing.

Some days he can’t take it.

/

You’re sitting on the floor and it’s almost 9 in the morning. You’ve calculated the time difference and it’s 2 in the morning where he is. That sounds wrong. Almost scary.

He left three days ago but he’s everywhere. There are photos of him wearing stupid floral shirts and posing in a sophisticated way. And there’s Nicole Kidman next to him.

God. I’ve become infatuated with a man who plays in movies with Nicole Kidman and Robert Downey Jr.

That’s what you think and you know you’re doomed.

You expect him to send you a message or a picture at first, but he doesn’t. You wonder if your time together was only a blurry puzzle of disconnected memories that somehow fits in his past.

He’ll simply forget all of it.

You try not to think about him but then you meet Argyris in the lobby and you have to bite the inside of your mouth so his name doesn’t jump out from your lips.

You go to bed early that day. You hold onto your pillow and you count the hours that separate you.

(13 hours with a plane)

(25 days with a boat)

You count and you fall asleep.

And you fall in love.

/

It’s not uncommon to rain in Toronto. But today rain feels heavier on Sebastian’s skin. He remembers the day he met you; it was hot and the sun made the window glass look like it was about to melt. That memory is the cause of his shivering.

Once upon a time he was in love. He was in love with a girl who had ethereal written all over her body. He was in love with a girl who was destined for divinity.

But those were the old days; they are dead and gone now. Your skin glistening under the Athenian sun changed it all.

It’s not easy to feel this way. The sky understands so it opens up and pours down on his dark hair. He presses his eyes closed with his fingers. And he tries to imagine a version of himself that doesn’t think about you that often.

He can’t.

Not even when he has a deity as his girlfriend.

/

The next time you see him, his hair is a little longer and much messier than you remember. And you have to devour all the sense that’s left inside you as not to touch it with your bare hand.

He has a cigarette in his fingers and a dark jacket thrown around his shoulders and everyone’s asking him about the festival. You just sit on the corner of your neighbor’s flat and listen to laughter and glasses clicking against each other. And you smile.

Smile; because he’s here.

And then he notices you and you’re pretty sure his eyes linger on your face a little longer than it's normal for humans. And his gaze is so brilliantly blank and loony that you don’t know how to respond. And then he starts to cough. And he never looks at you for the rest of the night.

You want to believe it’s better this way.

But it makes you so angry; you want to clench your teeth hard.

/

It goes like this; you don’t exchange any words for the next two days and it feels like your lips will start to bleed.

And you don’t know but his head feels like battlefield.

“When do you know you can’t stop it?” He asks Argyris. He feels ashamed.

“When you don’t want to stop it.”

He grabs the beer can and drinks his confusion away. He hopes alcohol will send his thoughts to sleep but instead it sends him to your door.

He rests his head against the wooden material. He can hear water running down and he can hear you humming a song.

And the foreign words make no sense to him but somehow they sound like lyrical poetry.

He waits for the water to stop and then he knocks.

/

Your hair is wet and sticks to your blue shirt. Your eyes grow wide when you see him standing there.

“I thought you’d never come at my door again.”

He looks at the floor.

“I shouldn’t.”

He sounds defeated; defeated by his own self. And you can smell the flammable liquid on his breath. And you can see that he has his nails pressed against his palm. You take his hand in yours and he closes his eyes. You caress the little cuts with your fingers. There are no scars but the skin is still red and painted with fear. You understand and it makes you feel dirty and obscene.

You look thoughtful for a moment and then you decide you can’t go on like this. It will split your souls.

“How’s Canada?” His eyes fill with surprise and he laughs. It gives you pride.

“Never been?”

He takes a step inside your place and his eyes fall on the empty bottle of pills at the kitchen table.

He doesn’t say a word about it.

You love him for that.

“I’ve never been anywhere.” Your cheeks are flushed with a soft raspberry color.

Sebastian realizes then that he wants to show you the entire world. Every corner of it. He wants to hold your hand as you walk beneath the Corsican stars. And he wants to memorize the Northern lights with you by his side. And he wants to see you laugh as he falls off his surf board in New Zealand. And he wants every cliché thing there is to do.

His heart stretches at the thought of it.

“Canada is beautiful in its own way.” He looks out of your window.

You wonder if he’s trying to find some more constellations in the sky, but then he turns around and walks towards you.

“I’ve been there a lot of times.”

Of course you have, you think.

He brushes a strand of hair behind your ears. It’s still damp and cold.

“Have you been to a lot of places?” He smiles and nods.

And then you can sense it; the sharp feeling of heartbreak crawling under your skin. You try to ignore it.

“I used to be grateful I travel all the time.”

You place your hand on his chest. The beating makes you calm.

“You’re not grateful anymore?”

He rubs his palm over his face.

“I am,” he inhales “But sometimes I just want to stay where I am.”

Yeah, I know.

He leaves an hour later, still drunk.

Still in love.

/

On Sunday, he takes you out for dinner. You tell him you don’t like dates. He promises it’s not a date.

You know you’re both lying.

He orders some red wine and he drinks as he watches you eat. It all feels natural to him. Somewhere at the back of his head though, there’s still some rationality left, that makes him think, this can’t be wrong, when it feels so natural.

He doesn’t drink any more.

/

You’re playing with the maraschino cherry on your dessert when his phone rings and your world comes crashing down.

You don’t intend to but you see the caller ID.

Love.

He had called you love one night.

He feels too guilty to look at you so he grabs the device and gets out of the place.

You want to throw the ice cream on the floor.

And then you want to hit the wall; with your head. But you can’t. So you just bite down at the cherry and wait for him to come back.

And when he does, things are different.

He doesn’t to try to make jokes and you don’t laugh. His eyes are everywhere but on you and your hand stays away from his.

You tell him you’re done with dessert so you can leave.

He has never felt more relieved.

/

Your pace is fast, but he catches up. You can’t outrun him.

His breath quickens as he comes closer. It’s almost innocent and childlike, the look he gives you.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers and it makes you laugh. You laugh and you shake your head and it’s not enough.

“Why?” He can taste the bitterness all over you. “This wasn’t date. So why are you sorry?”

You keep walking and his breath keeps echoing in your ears. You find the entrance of your building.

You’ve seen the place a hundred times but only now you notice how old it looks. It makes you disgusted. It makes you want to vomit.

It starts with him saying he doesn’t want to hurt anyone.

And then you rest your body at the soiled wall, trying to remind yourself you’ve had your heart broken before. And your eyes are not dry anymore. And you can taste salt in your lips. And he comes closer and he holds you.

You swear you see tears in his cheeks too, but he’s too fast to wipe them away.

“Have you ever done anything only to regret it a second later?”

You’re not certain which one of you asks but you can hear your bones breaking as you throw your head around and he arches his back.

His hands touch the dried tears on your face and it stings like sewing needles. And his lips touch yours. And for a brief moment you feel like you’re stealing from life.

And he can taste all of you; raw.

And it feels like fists that punch him.

And when you pull away you both have already regretted everything.

“Now you have something to be sorry for.”

You wonder if perhaps a broken dignity is better than a broken heart.

/

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[midnxghtsunwrites]

“ IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT ”

PAIRING —

andy barber x black! pregnant! reader

SUMMARY —

y/n knew something was wrong the moment she woke up with blood soaked sheets and a tightness in her chest.

WARNINGS —

this imagine will contain possibly extremely triggering content such as mentions of infertility, pregnancy irregularities, loss of pregnancy ( stillborn pregnancy ) , explicit language, sadness, and possible anxiety & depression under the cut

proceed with caution, viewer discretion is advised.

IT wasn't the cool draft of breeze flowing from the vent or the soft hum of the AC that woke you up from your sleep. It wasn't Andy shifting on his side of the bed or the loftiness of your two pillows or the fact that your bonnet slid off during the night.

What made you stir was the long forgotten sensation of something running down your inner thigh — the sinking feeling in your belly. Of course, you've felt it before when you were far from pregnant and set to start your period. Usually, however, you would have a gut feeling the night before which often prompted you to wear a pad to bed.

Tonight was different.

You stuck to just panties as pajamas since pregnancy made you hot when you're supposed to be cold and cold when you're supposed to be hot.

When you switch on the lamp on your side of the bed, Andy is spurred awake by the snap of the switch and the sudden influx of light. Since he was laying flat on his back, he just turns his head to look at you with squinted eyes, still adjusting to the brightness.

He furrows his eyebrows as he takes in the look of worry on your face. He knows you well enough to see that you're freaking out internally.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" He begins to sit up, "Is it the baby?"

You don't want to look. You don't want to give yourself less faith than you already have. You can't look.

You've already endured years and years of being told that you would never have a child — and the one moment of happiness you got when you found out you were pregnant with your husband's baby is being stripped away. Just like that.

"I think I'm bleeding." Your voice shakes as you speak.

Andy was always the level-headed one in the relationship. Five years of being together and three years of marriage taught you that. You've seen him through his highest highs and lowest lows — lost cases and cases that kept him up at nights. But you have never seen him so panicked at something you said.

Even though his body language screams alarm, his voice is level and calm. "Okay, let's go to the hospital. I'll call ahead."

You nod, squeezing your eyes shut in frustration, "Okay." You whisper.

THE gel is cold against your stomach, shocking you into reality. You listen for the sound of your baby's heartbeat — the one that will let you know that everything is okay.

Everyone seems to be frozen as your gynecologist shifts the wand along your smooth bump. When the room is deathly silent, the only sound to be heard is your heavy exhale, Andy shakes his head, distress on his face.

"What does this..." He can't even finish his sentence. You squeeze your eyes shut. "Why can't we hear a heartbeat?"

Dr. Moore gives her patients sympathetic glances — this is the last thing she would ever wish on any woman. "I'm sorry, Andy, Y/N. It seems... Your baby doesn't have a heartbeat."

It felt like you were struck by an entire planet. Your thought maybe you didn't hear her properly. "What?"

The doctor bows her head in shame, "I am very sorry. Your baby died in utero a couple of hours ago."

Her words seem to be blocked out as you shake you head profusely. You can't breathe, you can't see, you can't even function. You felt it.

"This cannot be happening." You mumble under your breath. This doesn't feel real. Your cheeks are stained with tears at the news.

Andy is by your side, running a hand over your hair that you barely managed to pull back before you entered the hospital. He's holding back tears, but watching you break was enough for him to allow a tear to roll down his red face.

"I'm going to give you guys some time. A nurse will be in soon to discuss your options with you. I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Barber." Dr. Moore reiterates one final time before leaving you to grieve.

When she closes the door behind her, you take no time to grab on to Andy's hand and curl into him. He rests his hand on the back of your head as you sob into his shoulder.

"I know, baby. I know. I'm right here."

ANDREW was right there when the doctors induced your labor. He was right there when you had to endure a painful delivery to your baby girl. Your beautiful baby girl. He was there when you held her for the first and last time. He was there for the next week when you'd decided to stay in the hospital, needing time to come to terms with how quickly everything happened.

With just a picture of her captivating face as a memento, you guys went home. Without your baby.

You felt frozen — stuck in your mind, thinking of what it would've been like had things gone differently. You would be walking in your house with a car seat and a sleeping or babbling baby, a wide smile on your face. Andy would've been absolutely amazed at what you two had made.

Now? You don't even know how you walked out of the hospital or into the house without breaking down and getting yourself admitted into psych.

You're fixed to the threshold of the door — you couldn't move even if you wanted to, struck by a sudden wave of melancholy. All you can think of is the talks you and Andy had about your shared excitement.

"Honey." Andy's voice draws you back to earth. He's stood behind you, going through his own tide of emotions.

He couldn't even imagine the toll this is having on you.

You close your eyes and lean forward, the palms of your hands pressing against the door jamb. "I just need a minute."

"Okay." Andy nods in understanding, resorting to rubbing your back, gingerly.

Moments pass before you finally step into the house, your breathing shallow with anticipation. Andrew is close behind you, eyeing you cautiously and lovingly. He just wants to hold you, but he knows you need some time to yourself.

That's why he simply nods when you suggest that you should go take a shower and lay down.

"I'll make you some food." He tells you.

Your footsteps seem to echo against the walls seeing as you kept your shoes on. You weren't sure you had the energy to care about tracking dirt inside.

Entering the bedroom, you're overwhelmed with a surge of anger and disappointment.

The bed hadn't been touched since the night you went to the hospital and now you can see the sheet is strewn in the center of the mattress, a pool of long-since dried blood staring at you — "Fuck," You run a hand through your matted hair.

Part of you gets to scrubbing because how else would you take the nap you told Andy about? The other part wants to scrub away the reminder of that night. The panic and pure fear in your veins — in Andy's.

On your knees, sleeves rolled up, and fatigue ramming through you like a train, you attempt to wash away the painful memory. No matter how much elbow grease you put into it, the stain doesn't budge.

Thoughts flood your mind — is this a punishment? Am I getting punished for all the harmless things I've done in my life?

You press down further, sinking the springs in the mattress. The frustration is clear in your gaze — exasperated sighs escaping you. You're so caught up in your action that you don't even realize when a loud and defeated wail renders you a sobbing mess.

You don't hear Andy run up the stairs at the sound and stand at the door, eyebrows furrowed in worry and tenderness. He watches you for a second as you hunch forward and hit your hands against the bed in anger.

"I'm so sorry," You cry to no one in particular, "I should've known something or done something — I should've taken more care of you."

Tears gather in your husband's eyes as he hears your words. He wastes no time in stepping towards you and resting a hand on your shoulder. You flinch slightly, not expecting Andy to have heard you.

You can't even look at him, so disappointed and ashamed of yourself that you can't gather the courage to look your husband in the eye.

"Y/N, come here." He gently goads you to stand, his hand warm on your shoulder. When you rise to your feet, Andy pulls you into him, not caring about the snot or tears that transfer from your face to his t-shirt. He rubs a hand down your back and another over your hair and sniffles, "Don't you dare blame yourself for what happened. It wasn't your fault."

In that moment, his words meant nothing to you. They just drowned under the grief you were experiencing. It was only during the silent night when you two were laying on the couch of the living room after dumping your mattress that you realized how much his words meant to you.

With your head resting on his chest, you crane your neck up and gaze at him, watching as he stares up at the ceiling in thought.

"Andrew?" You whisper, voice cracking after hours of weeping.

He shifts his gaze to you, giving you his full attention. "Hmm?"

You take in his blue eyes which have seemed to lose its sparkle. "I love you."

He presses a sweet kiss to your lips, layered in salty tears, "I love you too."

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[clumsyclifford]

dearly depressed and brokenhearted (i’d like to let you know that boys cry too)

it’s been a hot sec since i’ve properly posted a fic on tumblr but whatever i have the time and this one isn’t too long

anyway shoutout to @httpsgfg for the idea for the so much therapy playlist, which i somehow got through the entire three and a half hours of whilst writing/posting this. also shoutout to @rotten-candie for helping me pick a title & summary

to be perfectly clear: this is a gen fic. it is centered on a friendship. i’m not in charge of you and if you’re so inclined to read it as pre-slash then i can’t stop you, but if it’s all the same to you, it’s a friendship fic to me

tw i guess for angst, possibly hints at depression, crying, etc there are better tags on ao3 if you need them

title from how do you feel? by the maine

read here on ao3

-

It’s Saturday, or maybe Monday. Luke has stopped keeping track.

Rain is coming down, slowly but surely. Going outside is sure to end in getting soaked to the bone, probably shivering. Especially if Luke doesn’t bring a jacket.

He goes anyway.

The chill in the air wraps around him like clingfilm, settling under his skin. For a moment outside it would be bearable, but Luke plans to be outside a bit longer than that. He’s going to be cold. He is probably going to lose feeling in his fingers. It would be best to go back inside. Grab some gloves. Maybe a warm coat. Drizzling rain follows the wind and sprays in his face. Luke takes the front steps, one, two, onto the damp grass, which gives under his footsteps. Another. Another. Water soaks through the front of his shoes; his socks are going to get wet and soon he’ll lose feeling in his toes as well. 

He’s not trying to go numb or anything. Maybe he’s a bit of a masochist, but who isn’t? It’s not like the cold is going to give him permanent damage. He’ll go back inside when he can’t handle it anymore, but he has time before he reaches his threshold. Outside is the only place Luke can possibly fathom being right now. Everywhere else is wrong. Too bright or too loud or somehow otherwise just wrong.

Here, in the elements, his hoodie barely protects his face from the biting wind. Sleeves over his hands only do so much, even if he curls the ends of them into his palms. Jeans are not the right trousers to wear when it’s below freezing. The rain is only making it all worse.

Luke keeps walking.

He keeps his head down, watching his feet as they carry him forward, one in front of the other with no clear destination except away. Away will eventually circle around and lead him home again — he’s not trying to permanently escape. Something about the rain feels like a reset button, and that might be exactly what Luke needs. 

The thing is, this walk is supposed to be clearing Luke’s head, not weighing it down. Not weighing him down. Nothing is really wrong. If Luke tries to parse through his day, or the last couple of hours, he could probably single out a couple of things that might be to blame — calling home always makes him a little more fragile; call ended digs into his chest every time in a way that feels tragically, unjustifiably final — but he’s tired of having a reason for feeling heavy. Sometimes life is just hard. That’s the issue with the question what’s wrong, Luke thinks, blinking at the lights reflecting off the glistening road. Often, nothing is wrong. Does something have to be wrong for me to feel bad? he wants to say, except nobody has even asked him, and this entire conversation is happening inside his head.

Even in his head he’s creating problems where there aren’t any. Awesome.

A chill has taken up permanent residence in Luke’s body. He curls inward, trying to pretend like the wind isn’t blowing around him, like the rain isn’t stinging his face and the exposed strip of his ankles that his jeans and socks don’t quite meet to cover. It’s starting to come down harder; Luke’s hoodie is sticking to his shoulders and back and he might as well be wearing nothing at all for all the protection it’s providing him from the cold. He knows that this is the wrong thing to wear in this weather, but that had kind of been the point. It feels right to be doing something wrong on purpose. It certainly feels better than doing it wrong by accident. Or by virtue of it being beyond his control.

He’d expected to be cold, and he is. A sick sort of comfort arises from having predicted that cause-and-effect.

Luke’s mental clock is rubbish, and though his phone is in his pocket he can’t take it out and check it or it’ll get wet, so he has no idea how long he’s been out when it rings. Buzzes. Luke sighs. He digs his phone out of his pocket, cradling it to his chest to keep it out of the rain, and answers the call. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

Luke waits for Michael to say anything. Eventually: “Where are you?”

“Outside,” Luke says. He looks around. “About five minutes away.”

“Away? Where did you go?”

“I didn’t — I was just walking.”

“Oh.” Michael pauses, and Luke knows what he’s going to say before he says it. “In the rain?”

“Is it raining?”

“...Yes?”

“Then yes, in the rain.”

“Okay. Well. Um, are you going to be back soon?”

Luke sighs again. “I don’t know, maybe.”

“Are you, uh…” There’s a moment of silence. Luke glances around himself, turning his back to the wind. The constant motion of his walk had been the only thing keeping him from becoming a glacier of a man, and now he’s lost that.

“Don’t worry about me, Mike,” Luke says. “I won’t be out too long. Promise.” He can’t, or he’ll get hypothermia or frostbite or something.

“Okay,” Michael says. Luke can tell he’s struggling not to ask if Luke is okay, and it makes Luke feel inexplicably affected. That Michael wants to ask, but knows Luke well enough to know that Luke won’t want him to. 

“I’m okay,” he says as a compromise. It’s not really true, but it’s what he would have said if Michael had asked him anyway.

“Okay,” Michael says again, more quietly. “Love you.”

“Love you.”

There’s a long silence. Then Michael hangs up.

The hand holding Luke’s phone slowly lowers, shoving it back into his pocket. Luke stares down at the ground. He blinks back tears, but they come faster than he’s able to stop them. There’s no mistaking tears for rain, actually, not in this weather, because these tears are hot and salty when they slide down his cheeks and into the corners of his mouth. The incongruity of warm tears on his freezing cold face almost makes him laugh, except when he opens his mouth to laugh what comes out instead is an unsolicited sob.

Shit. Fuck. He hadn’t meant to cry. He really hadn’t wanted to cry. He’s not going to become a blubbering mess in the middle of the road at midnight. Being sad is acceptable when nothing’s wrong, but crying when nothing’s wrong is crossing a fucking line. 

Why, why is it that hanging up the phone just stabs him in the heart? What the fuck is his problem?

One minute, he tells himself, crouching down because the smaller he is, the warmer he’ll be; one minute of crying and then you’re going to stop crying, because there’s nothing to cry about. One minute.

And for one minute he cries.

After one minute, he’s mostly out of tears anyway. Sniffling, he wipes under his eyes with his damp sleeve. That’s enough, he thinks firmly, sniffling again. Enough. It’s enough.

Before he stands up, he closes his eyes and takes a deep, deep breath. It doesn’t alleviate the weight on his chest, the weight of nothing being wrong, but blocking his vision allows him to tune into his other senses. It’s freezing cold and he shivers, listening to the rain softly hitting the pavement. This isn’t a panic attack, but Luke always finds it helpful to zero in on his senses. Quiet rain like static in his ears, the denim of his jeans creased behind his knees in his crouch, lingering salt on his tongue from the last of the tears, tight skin on his cheeks, his shaky inhales and exhales as he fights for a steady breathing pattern.

He’s okay.

Five minutes from home. Luke straightens up, hugging his arms around himself. His fingers and toes have all but frosted over by now. The world is awash in pale yellow and ashy grey, punctuated with almost-black in dark, unlit corners. On either side of him, familiar houses urge Luke onward, promising one more familiar than the rest if he just keeps walking.

So he does.

Five minutes feels very long, though Luke’s sense of time is, of course, warped beyond recognition, and for all he knows it’s ten minutes before he sees their house. Or two. 

Luke stands at the curb before the walkway. It’s freezing cold. He should go inside and warm up. He should make a cup of tea. He should take a hot shower.

Through the window it’s bright, though, so bright, far too bright for the gloomy mood still clamping down on Luke’s shoulders. Even if he went through the living room and shut himself in his room with the lights off, it wouldn’t be the same. The mood is uninterrupted and he doesn’t want to break it with anything.

As Luke stands there, shivering and indecisive, the front door opens.

“Luke?”

“Hi,” Luke says again, like he did on the phone. 

“It’s below freezing,” Michael says. “Are you coming in?”

“No.” He’s not. He can’t. Not yet, anyway. Maybe in five minutes. He can go five more minutes before frostbite becomes a real possibility.

“It’s cold, you’ll freeze,” says Michael.

“It’s not that cold.”

“And it’s raining. Cold and raining.”

“I’m not really cold,” Luke lies. “I’m okay. I’ll just be a few minutes.”

Michael stands on the stoop, watching him. From this distance it’s hard to see his expression, but Luke can pretty much guess it’s a mixture of disapproval and concern. Michael has perfected it.

“Be right back,” he finally says, then slips back inside, leaving the door slightly ajar, before Luke can tell him he really doesn’t need to come back. Luke waits, though he contemplates just leaving for another walk. He’s not a dick. Although if Michael returns with Ashton or Calum, Luke will probably be annoyed. He’s not a child and he doesn’t need mothering, which Ashton is sure to do, nor is he in the mood to be cheered up, so Calum won’t be any help either.

Michael returns. He’s wearing a jacket and a beanie and there’s a blanket from off their couch in his hands.

“Michael,” Luke says. 

“Please,” Michael says. “I’m obviously not going to convince you to come inside, but I don’t want you to freeze.” He takes the steps, footsteps falling where Luke’s had, and comes close enough to Luke that when he offers up the blanket, Luke reaches out and takes it. “I know you don’t wear jackets,” Michael explains.

It feels like cheating. The masochistic walk should be all-or-nothing. But Luke can’t bring himself to refuse it. It’s not about the blanket, is the thing, really; it’s not about being warm. It’s about the gesture, about accepting the love and concern of a friend when Luke obviously needs it.

The blanket unfolds in his hands and he wraps it around himself. Some of the chill subsides. A new warmth blooms cautiously from within, starting in his sternum and spreading outward. It moves slowly and with difficulty, thawing the ice that’s formed inside Luke’s chest from all of his internal insistence that being cold had been the solution, but it doesn’t back down.

“Can I stay?” Michael asks. “You can say no.”

“Stay for what?” Luke glances around. “I’m not doing anything.”

“Yeah, I know. I just. Thought you might want to do nothing but…with a friend.”

Luke considers saying no. Michael would shrug, eyebrows drawing together in more concern, probably. Okay, he would say. Come inside soon. He would probably shift on his feet, trying to determine whether or not it would be okay to hug Luke, and ultimately decide against it. The door would close behind him and Luke would have the big, empty, glacial outdoors to himself. That had been the goal, when he’d left. To be alone. To have all the room in the world, with the hopes that attempting to fill it would spread his sadness too thin to hold weight. Except that hadn’t really worked. He’d just grown dense, stodgy instead of risen. The rain must have iced his sadness in. 

“Would you?” Luke says quietly, swallowing.

Michael nods. He does a very good job pretending like he hadn’t desperately wanted Luke to say yes, although Luke knows he had. “Are you still walking?”

“I think I was going to sit,” Luke says, glancing down at the curb. “You don’t have to.”

“I don’t mind,” Michael says, and Luke really believes that. Luke takes a seat on the curb, even though the frozen rain seeps through his jeans, and Michael sits shoulder-to-shoulder beside him. They both stare out across the street. 

After a moment, Michael speaks quietly out into the air. “What — uh — I don’t really know what question to ask. Or if I shouldn’t ask anything.”

“Just as long as you don’t ask what’s wrong,” Luke says wearily. “I’m sick of what’s wrong.”

“Fair enough,” Michael says. There’s a beat of silence. “What are we doing out here?”

“You’re keeping me company.”

“And you’re…?”

Luke shrugs, pulling the blanket tighter around himself. It’s still raining and even the blanket is going to be soaked through soon. Luke’s hands are inside his sleeves, which are inside the blanket, but they’re still numb. “Wallowing.”

He really is wallowing, the most self-indulgent kind of sadness. Hardest to let go of, easiest to drown in. 

“Oh,” Michael says, a soft edge in his voice. “That makes sense.”

“It does?”

“I don’t know, yes?” Michael reaches out with his converse, tapping the side against Luke’s calf. “You’re a wallowing kind of guy. Sometimes that’s what you need.”

For the second time tonight, Luke feels abruptly like he might cry, but this time he doesn’t. “Uh. Thanks. I think?”

“I can wallow with you,” Michael says simply. 

“Aren’t you cold?”

“Yeah. Aren’t you?”

A small smile tugs at the corners of Luke’s lips. “Yeah,” he admits.

“Yeah,” Michael says, like he’s just made a point. “But you shouldn’t wallow alone. You should at least have company.”

Luke takes a deep breath. He pulls his hood further over his head and glances over at Michael, who’s just watching his own feet with interest. 

“Okay,” Luke allows, chewing the inside of his cheek. “Just a couple more minutes. Then we can go inside.” He wonders if this had been Michael’s ploy, to guilt Luke back indoors by offering to freeze for him. But he’s pretty sure it isn’t a trick. Michael isn’t manipulative. He’s just loyal.

“Whatever you want,” Michael says, kicking carelessly at a loose piece of asphalt.

Luke hesitates, lingering in the bubble of silence between them that almost seems to mute the rest of the world. Michael looks over at him finally. When he meets Luke’s eyes, he quirks a transient smile. The warmth defrosting Luke’s insides grows hotter.

Luke leans his head on Michael’s shoulder, and Michael only shifts to accommodate him. “You can wallow with me. We can wallow together. If you want to. If you don’t mind.”

Michael tilts his head against Luke’s and hooks his foot around Luke’s ankle. “Yeah. Wallowing together. I can do that.”

It’s bitterly cold, and the icy rain and wind are doing them no favours. But when Luke closes his eyes this time, the only sensation that seems to matter is Michael’s shoulder solid under Luke’s weight, and he doesn’t feel quite so heavy anymore.

[adventures-or-death]

Road Trip Notes 8/24 Thur 8/28

Covid put the kibosh on visiting my Dad in Florida so we canceled our flights, hotel and rental car and made a last minute decision to go on a road trip instead. It wasn't hard to figure out where to go because we love the beach and have road tripped from Las Vegas to California many times before. Our last road trip was to Newport Beach, California, which was nice, but it was crowded and touristy. Before the Newport trip we went to San Diego and stayed at the Hampton Inn near Seaworld, but the location was too far from the beach and I didn't feel good about the crackheads running around outside 24/7. We always take our dog with us on road trips. The last time we visited San Diego we found Dog Beach, which is a huge off leash beach dog park located in Ocean Beach. Shooter loved it and we loved watching him and all the dogs play in the sand and swim in the ocean. So going to San Diego again was almost a no brainer for us. I booked an Airbnb a couple blocks from Ocean Beach, which is right next to Dog Beach.

The goal for this trip was to chill out. No running around seeing the sights. We’ve done that before in San Diego. It's a gorgeous place and I love seeing the sights, but this time I needed some time to decompress.

Day 1

We arrived, plopped our bags on the bed and took the dog for a walk to get the lay of the land. Before going, I did a little research about Ocean Beach and learned that the town of Ocean Beach was laid out in the late 1800’s, but it didn’t really take off until the first decade of the 1900’s when electricity and paved roads arrived. It became a big vacation haven until the depression hit in the 1920’s. The town tanked for a while, but the 50’s came along and the population exploded. The 60’s brought in a heavy hippy surfer vibe, which still strongly remains today. I’ve been told that Ocean Beach is one of the only original California surf towns left in California that hasn’t changed all that much since the 60’s. The town motto is “Keep Ocean Beach Weird.” Perfect for us!

We left the cottage, walked the dog two blocks to the beach, made a right, and just past the rocks, Dog Beach begins. Dog Beach is one of the country’s first beaches for dogs to run freely off leash. Not many rules apply at Dog Beach except you must pick up your dog’s poop and make sure your pup behaves well with other dogs and humans. We’ve been to Dog Beach a couple times on past road trips and have never seen a vicious dog fight. Dogs of all breeds, shapes and sizes zip around the beach in harmony. It's fun to watch them smash in to waves while fetching balls and playing with each other in the water. After watching surfers ride in waves and exhausted Shooter with exercise and play, we made our way back to the cottage. Before going inside, I hosed Shooter down with fresh water and did the best I could to get the sand out of his coat. Once cleaned up, I went inside to do some organizing. The first thing I noticed when entering the Airbnb was the heat. I looked for the air conditioner right away and that's when I realized there wasn't one. How did I overlook this detail? I looked down and saw a small box fan and let out a laugh. Seriously? I looked up and there was one ceiling fan over the main bed. Oops! Thankfully San Diego weather is perfect almost all year around, but the heat inside the place was really noticeable. I also noticed no television. Great! I can't stand the TV on while on vacation. The place was quirky to say the least. It was decorated in a cute beachy way and had two queen beds, a kitchenette and a bathroom. The shower was almost too tiny for Mark to fit in to it. We laughed. Ocean Beach is old! The cottage floors sloped and felt spongy in some places. Outside we had a big picnic table, umbrella, barbecue and a thankfully we had a dedicated parking space in the back (This is extremely important in Ocean Beach). After unpacking and turning the fans on full blast, we walked a few blocks to a Mediterranean food truck for dinner. The falafel was great! We brought the food back to our picnic table and sat outside in the cool salty air talking the rest of the night away.

Shooter G.

Beach Cottage

Day 2

Went to breakfast at Day Break Island Grill on Bacon street. I had sourdough waffles and Mark ordered an omelette. We were the only customers so I worried about the quality of the food. Turns out the food was amazing. So much so that we went the next day and I ordered some delicious peanut butter, banana chocolate oat bread breakfast thingy that I wanted to eat every day for the rest of my life. The staff was laid back and super friendly. Businesses in Ocean Beach encourage you to bring your dog. It's probably the most dog friendly town I've ever been to. As soon as we walked in to the restaurant they plopped down a water bowl for Shooter and gave out menus for us and our dog. They have a doggie menu! I love that. After breakfast we changed and went to the beach. The Pacific Ocean is cold. Mark went in up to his waist and waded for a while. I stayed by our chairs and watched the world go by. The beach is my happy place. I practically grew up on a beach, so whenever I get the chance, that’s where I’m going. We walked Shooter in to the waves and all along the coastline. It was a pretty day.

After the beach we returned to the house, showered, rested for a while and went out for seafood. Shooter is the most well behaved boy! We're so lucky. He quietly lays under the table and watches things while we eat. After dinner we spent the majority of the time outside at the picnic benches then went to bed. The sun wore us out! Thankfully the cottage cools when the sun goes down.

Day 3 We went back to Day Break Island Grill and chatted with the waitress again. She was telling us about the town and how most of the people there aren't tourists. She said some of the homes are Airbnb's, but most are either owned or regular yearly rentals. It made sense because the area didn't feel touristy to me. It's extremely laid back and really quite. I expected it to be rowdy at night because I assumed all of the houses were vacation rentals, but I was wrong. You could hear a pin drop outside once the sun goes down. After the beach we grabbed some lemonade and walked through a tent festival where a bunch of legit hippies were selling all sorts of weird shit that only made sense to them. They had a giant bongo circle where twenty or so people slapped bongos while smoking giant blunts. The smell of patchouli oil was strong and the smoke was thick. I felt old. After getting a contact high at the festival we walked to the pier and around town to check out the sights. I didn't see one big box store. It was like the town was frozen in time at that 70's peak surf town time. Perfect.

Got home, took showers and slathered on as much lotion as possible to keep my skin from leathering. We hung out at our picnic table and talked a lot again. Yay for no television! Eventually beachy breezes fanned us to sleep.

Day 4

No matter how much sun block I slathered on to my body, I still managed to get a sunburn. I didn't bring an umbrella from home, but I still wanted to go to the beach. It was our last day! I called a couple surf shops and none of them rented umbrellas. Why would they? I took a shot and called an equipment rental place and they told me that they had one umbrella, but they didn't rent it out. They must have heard the desperation in my voice because they broke down and rented it to me for 15 bucks for 24 hours. Yes! The place was within walking distance so I picked it up. It was one of those big half dome umbrellas that you pitch like a tent. Even better! Mark wanted to check out Coronado Beach. We ran out of time the last time we were in San Diego so we gathered everything up and spent the day there. Coronado Beach sand has a mineral in it that makes the sand sparkle like there are diamonds in it. It's beautiful. The town is ridiculously rich. Nothing like Ocean Beach at all. The homes are in the multi-millions. Ridiculous. We pitched our half dome tent and went for a really long walk along the shoreline. Everything sparkled. The waves were big. Many were out swimming in the chilly Pacific. After our walk, we hung out under our half dome for a long time talking. Mark went in for a swim while I zoned out. Towards the end of our stay, we went for another long walk in the opposite direction. I didn't want to leave. Got back to the cottage in the late afternoon/early evening, took showers and walked to dinner to a Thai fusion place in Ocean Beach. The food was great. The air cooled down our sunburns. We ate outside and watched people pass. Shooter was under our table and was being the goodest boy. Sadness sunk in towards the end of our meal because we knew it was our last night. We had to go back to the Airbnb and pack up for an early departure the next morning.

We'll definitely go back to Ocean Beach. I hope the town stays the just the way it is and doesn't turn in to one of those instagram tourist traps.

Thank you for a great time Ocean Beach!

[starlightsoulwriting]

L’appel du Vide

Cliff Unger x Reader

L'appel du Vide (n.) The unexplainable desire to jump when on the edge of a cliff Call of The Void AO3 Link

Porters are going missing. You and Fragile are at each other’s throats, and you’re still reeling from your incident ten months ago. And, on top of all your shit, life decides to drop a Cliff on you.

[x][1][2]

Prologue 

The first time you met Cliff was on the beach.

It had been weeks since Sam had gone after Amelie to stop the Last Stranding. Things had calmed down on the outside; Die-Hardman was establishing his presidency, not that any of you were focused on that. You, Heartman, and Mama had been searching for Sam the whole time.

Your ability was an odd one, as far as DOOMS goes. You couldn’t teleport your whole body like Fragile could, but you could send your Ka to the beach - even to other people’s beaches if you had a focus.

The day you met Cliff had been hard.

You’d had an honest to god, knock-down, drag-out fight with Fragile - it would have gone to blows had Heartman not dragged you away. You escaped to the beach after that.

You’d been doing that a lot lately.

You started at Sam’s beach, like you always did. But you wandered for hours, coming up with nothing. You were for sure in someone else’s by now. The borders between beaches were all fuzzy now - it was easy to slip into one you didn’t mean to. You could feel the change in your gut, energy shifting. There were people here, you could feel it, but the strands were so tangled you couldn’t tell them apart. So you picked one and went with it. Maybe he had wandered off this way, too. He had a hell of a head start on you, though.

You kept stumbling on until you heard whistling in the distance. You’d found someone! So you took off at a dead sprint towards the sound, even as you were telling yourself it probably wasn’t Sam.

As soon as the man came into view, you deflated. You hated when you were right.

He was tall, and handsome, and strong-looking, but you were disappointed all the same.

Because he wasn’t the porter that saved your life two.

You let out a childish huff and plopped out onto the dark sand, exhausted. You would just lay down on your back and stare at the sky for a minute. Gather your energy. Then you would go.

The guy must’ve noticed you lying like a depressed starfish, though, because you heard footsteps, and then a crunch of sand as he sat down next to you. You didn’t bother looking over, instead opting to shift upright and stare at the waves instead, arms curling around your knees. The waves were more interesting than clouds, anyway.

“I assume you’re not having the best of days, either?” His voice was warm and raspy, almost saying it like a joke as much as it was a real question.

You had to barely stop yourself from barking out a laugh, looking at him incredulously, but you were amused nonetheless. His eyes glinted with playfulness, a wry smile on his face, like your reluctant, surprised smile was exactly what he was going for. You rolled your eyes and looked back at the sea. “That’s a hell of a question to ask someone wandering around purgatory.”

“I’m not wrong though, am I?”

You sighed, wistful humor draining out of you as you came back to reality. Your day had been shit. You shrugged, curling in on yourself even more. “ I had a horrible fight with one of my only friends. She made a decision to let a bad man handle his own shit. I think she should have killed him”

Oh, god, you were such a downer.

He didn’t seem to mind though, and looked thoughtful. “I’m sure she had her reasons for doing that.”

“Yeah, she wanted him to suffer the consequences of his actions or whatever, but, like.” You took a shaky breath in. A pit of dread opened up in you - you were starting to get upset again, chest clenching painfully. The cool air began to feel hot, suddenly. “He nuked a city. The world would be safer without him.” You clench your fists to stop your fingers from trembling and squeezed your eyes shut to stop the tears. Your heart hammered in your ears and for a moment you were back in your shelter, trapped and helpless again. You could still feel the blood all over you - your stomach, your hands. His voice.

A brush on your shoulder made you flinch back with a gasp, but you opened your eyes and there was no skull mask staring back at you, only warm brown eyes and a sad, sympathetic look on his face. You were on the beach, looking for Sam. You were safe.

“You still with me, there?” He said gently, like talking to a frightened cat. You wished you knew what was going through his head, but at the same time didn’t have the courage to ask. Instead you nodded and worked on following grounding exercises, focusing on slowing your breath. “Need help?” You shook your head and stayed quiet, looking back out at the ocean.

Sand between your fingers. Salty sea air filling your lungs. The taste of the ocean. The heat of the person next to you.

Awkward silence weighed down upon you.

But you eventually calmed down.

You took one last breath and spoke, voice still unsteady. “I’m looking for my friend. He’s lost somewhere in here. I just need to find him so we can go home,” You glance at him. “You see a tired-looking dude about six feet come through here recently? Shoulder length hair, scruffy beard, porter gear on?”

He shook his head. “Can’t say that I have, sorry.”

You shrug, sighing and getting to your feet. You had expected that, but it still sucked. “Thanks anyway.” You gave one more look around the beach before you got ready to re-enter your body. “See you ‘round, I guess, if you don’t move on by the time I’m back.” You began to walk towards the water. You needed a cold shower to scrub off all your ugly feelings. You waded past the breakers, walking to hip-height. The next bit was always the trickiest - returning to your body from the seam. If you did it wrong you would wake up in the afterlife instead of your room.

A murmur from behind gave you pause, though. “I’ll be here.”

You look at him questioningly. Most souls didn’t feel like lingering on the beach for long.

“I’m waiting for my son.” He says simply and with the same resolve you had, deep in your bones, that you would find Sam.

You gave him a small smile and a wave goodbye. It wasn’t often you met people out here. And this guy was nice. He had a warm voice and soft eyes. Not to mention the fact he was handsome. You ignored that, though. You didn’t need to catch feelings for a dead guy.

You’d decided you liked him, though. “I’m Y/n.”

“Cliff.”

As you dove into the Seam and past the surf, you heard the faint sound of whistling pick up again.

You hoped he found his son soon.

--

You saw him three more times before Mama found Sam - and joined him for short chats each time. Only a few minutes long each, just as the first had been, but just as comfortable - he steered topics away from his family, though. You didn’t pry at obviously healing wounds, and he didn’t ask about your panic attacks. So instead you talked about the stars, and your plants back home that were probably dying, and how well the UCA was doing now that people were connecting.

You liked talking to him. It was easy, really. He drew star charts in the sand for you, telling you about constellations and their stories, about Orion and Hercules. And you told him about your greenhouse, and cheesy action movies, and your cat, Rocky, and how to make little paper cranes. He whistled just to fill the silence.

Then Mama had found Sam, and your little “We-Love-Sam” club had been all hands on deck trying to get him home.

Even after you got him back, the rest of the world was a whirlwind of activity and bureaucracy and you were just trying your best to adjust to your new nightmares that had replaced the old ones, and trying to repair your relationship with Fragile, and setting up new software systems with Lockne.

It wore you down more every day. You weren’t meant to be at Bridges, really - you were just a nerd who got pulled into this mess against your will. Being on such a short leash here in the city felt claustrophobic. And you were exhausted, barely able to sleep because every time you closed your eyes all you saw was masks and blood.

You didn’t visit the beach for three more weeks.

You needed to go home, back out west past Lake Knot City. Where you had all the breathing room you wanted. No surveillance-state wrist cuffs or shitty cafeteria food. Come to think of it, your plants had probably all died by now. At least your mom had taken care of Rocky while you were away.

Fragile was feeling better and was making runs again; she had agreed to take you home, despite how tense your friendship was. You felt bad for being so pissed at her, but every time you looked over your shoulder or thought you heard Higg’s voice, you got upset again. She wasn’t the one who hurt you but it didn’t matter. You weren’t safe and it was her fault. You didn’t know how long it would be before things were okay again.

Everyone else was staying for a while after Die-Hardman’s big speech, at least for a bit. And even though you knew to the core of your being Higgs wouldn’t dare show his face at Bridges ever again, you still had to leave before you broke completely. It was only a matter of time before you lost your shit cooped up like this. You needed your mountains back.

You had gotten Sam back and made sure he was okay. You weren’t needed here anymore. You needed to set up a new shelter, one that didn’t hurt you just to see. Maybe closer to the rest of your group this time. More secure. Better to get started now then wait.

You were on your way to meet Fragile when Deadman stopped you.

“Y/n, I know you’ll probably be busy back home, but I could really use some help. I’ve been looking into this Captain Unger figure that kept trying to take Sam’s BB, but I haven’t been able to get to the rest of his file,” He started, and you didn’t like where he was going with this. He needed something from you. “I know that it’s hiding there, somewhere in the network, but it has so many layers of encryption I can’t get through it myself.” He made a pleading motion with his hands, tilting his head and looking like a hopeful golden retriever.

This guy’s been pulling stuff like this for two months.

And you caved every damn time.

At least this time it was something interesting and not some stupid password algorithms. You sighed. “Yeah, yeah, sure, send it to me. But I’m still leaving now, Deadman.” You looked away from him as you pulled him into a hug, uncomfortable and blushing. You weren’t good with goodbyes or physical contact. “Take care of everyone, okay?” You mumbled into his blazer. Your voice almost broke.

“Of course I will.” He gave you a hard squeeze. You didn’t protest. “But you need to take care of yourself, too.”

It was bittersweet, really. You cared about everyone so much, but you were being suffocated. You needed to go home.

And so you did.

Although, later that night, after settling into your new, empty shelter, and enduring dinner with your entire family like it was Christmas, you were already missing everyone.

You settled into your bed and opened your tablet, replying to Heartman’s sappy messages, assuring him that you would absolutely message him every day and would always visit him on the beach if he needed company. That was how you’d met in the first place. Lockne had run a few ideas through your DMs, but it was mostly just her way of working out a problem. It was clever shit, too, it was hard to feel helpful with her sometimes.

By the time you got around Deadman’s message your eyes were drooping and you were fighting back yawns - but you figured you would read through what he already had before getting started in the morning. Just a quick skim-through, no big deal.

It was a big deal.

Because when you opened the file, you shot up with a gasp, eyes bulging practically out of their sockets. Your Cliff and Sam’s Cliff were the same Cliff! Holy shit!

You got up and paced restlessly, hands moving from your mouth to your head to your hips.

Fucking hell! He’d shot at Sam! Motherfucker!

But he was so nice? And made stupid jokes, and helped keep you grounded?

You sat back on your bed, Rocky staring at you like you were nuts, and you ran through everything Sam had told you about Cliff. You fished through your memory, for when he recounted what nutso things Amelie had told him.

“Apparently that Cliff guy was brought back to teach me a lesson or something? I don’t know what she meant by that, but it did seem like he was pretty out of it most of the time. I don’t know if he’ll be hanging around beaches again or not, but he shouldn’t be botherin me and Lou anymore, and that’s all that really matters.”

Ah, screw sleep, you needed answers. This was going to keep you up all night, you just knew it. So you unpacked your PC and got cracking.

By the morning, you sent Cliff’s fully recovered file to Deadman. Sam deserved to hear news like that in person. His dad was… badass, honestly.

After that you slept until three PM. Then you went to the beach.

The world lurched around you as your soul left your body.

When you got to Cliff Unger’s - Sam’s Father’s - beach, there was no one there. Just the whistling of the wind.

He was gone.

You told yourself it was for the best.

You didn’t need to catch feelings for a dead guy, after all.

[superthiccthighssavelives]

Oceans

anonymous  asked:

could you do one where taron & his wife haven’t been intimate in a while because of their newborn and their getting kind of stressed, so one night he plans a super romantic night with just the 2 of them and it’s sweet and passionate? xx

Ok so, this was now my 2nd fanfic, and usually the kind of topic I am not good at writing, I wanted a challenge, and it took me all day, but I present this to you, anon, I hope this is what you wanted and that you love it! Please let me know. Thank you so much for giving me an opportunity to branch out and expand my story palette.

So again, music played a giant part in the overall emotion and tone of this story, I suggest listening to these couple of songs to set the mood:

Oceans - Seafret

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpdXBjwXbMg

Angel - Massive Attack

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiK2JlBpzvI

I have a whole playlist, if anyone is interested, anyway, enough babbling! Here we go...Oh, obviously there is sex involved, some sweet nothings and a bit, very small bit of depression and insecurity. Onwards!

I stumbled sleepily down the hall, rubbing the remains of sleep from my eyes. I'm on autopilot now, no thinking or questioning it anymore. If you asked what I've done this month since (baby) was born, I could not tell you. Other than the obvious. I don't know when I've last spoken to my friends, or even my mom. It's been exhausting. Tiredness was now just 75% of my personality. The nightly tasks were routine;  change, feed, burp, rock. Like clockwork. Sometimes I fell asleep in the rocking chair to be woken by Taron in the early morning hours. He'd take over and I'd collapse back in our bed. I don't think we've spent too much time together in months. I can't lie and say it's been easy. If we talk, which is rare, it's about the baby. He's just returned from a movie shoot, and while I'm thankful he's home, it doesn't fix the distance between us at the moment. I don't even feel like a person right now. I'm just...here.

I never imagined my life going this way. Don't get me wrong, I was happy, I had a beautiful new baby, a lovely home and an amazing husband, but something was definitely missing lately. We hadn't been out just the two of us in over a year, I don't even remember when the last time we were intimate. Not that I've thought about it much recently, who has the time? I lived in leggings and tops covered in baby spit-up. I didn't bother to do my hair or makeup, I was permanently and officially a mom. I didn't want to complain, nothing was actually wrong. I was, for the most part, as previously mentioned, happy. When Taron was away, we'd facetime or he'd give a quick call before a shoot that day. But it was a bit few and far between. The last trimester of pregnancy made me tired all of the time. I'd go to work in the morning, and come home crashing to bed at 7pm. I missed him, he's here, and I miss him. I wouldn't blame him if he wasn't attracted to me anymore. Look at me. Permanent eye bags, messy hair and post-baby body. I've lost most of the baby weight with all the running around I do, but getting to the gym was out of the question. I barely have time to shower. My insecurities were becoming more prominent.

It was a rare afternoon where the baby was asleep, the house was quiet and we were both home. I sipped my coffee, staring out the window. I'd say I was lost in thought but my mind was blank. I wanted to stop thinking and enjoy a moment to myself. I was startled by Taron's arms encasing me from behind. He kissed the top of my head stating he was going to run some errands. I wanted to be mad, why does he get to go off and do whatever he wants and I have to sit at home alone, taking care of everything? I knew my emotions have been a little, well a lot, heightened lately. I tried to keep them in check, but my mouth tends to run before I think. "Oh, great, yeah go ahead, I'll just sit here and do everything" I felt my face getting hot, and a million awful words running through my head ready to spit out of my mouth. I don't remember the last time we had a fight, it definitely was not a regular occurrence, if it all. I was stressed out, tired and I wanted to feel human again. I was ready for a battle. He stood there looking a bit stunned. "I won't be gone long, I promise" I could tell he was trying to keep the peace. He had this look in his eyes, I couldn't tell if it was pity or guilt. Either way it wasn't making me feel any better. I was starting to see red. My heart began thumping loud, and hard, so hard I could feel it pulsing in my ears. "Well go on then." "Go...do whatever it is that's so important" I felt my eyes begin to water, but I refused to cry. I knew this was coming. He wanted to get away from me. I've failed. His mouth was open, words trying to escape. "Y/N ...I..." "GO!" I was a bit louder than I intended to be and pulled myself back, I was going to wake up the baby. I got up and headed up the stairs.

I broke down a bit, tears flowed a little more now. I somehow ended up in the bathroom on the floor. What was happening? How did everything change so drastically? What could I do to fix this? I stood up, taking a long look in the mirror, which made me want to cry more. I didn't recognize this person. There was a gentle knock on the door, Taron's voice calling my name. "Are you alright love?" I squeezed my eyes shut tight, trying to stop the salty flow of pain coming down. "Y/N?" I opened the door, slowly. I almost couldn't bear to look at him. "I'm fine" I said rather coldly as I walked past him. I didn't want to keep this argument going but my mouth wouldn't shut the fuck up. "Don't you have somewhere to be?" I still couldn't look at him, I knew if I did, I'd melt, and I did not want him to see me looking like this. "I promise, It will be quick, I'll be back before you know and we can have a nice night together later yeah?" "Taron! God, go already, just fucking leave" I knew I was being irrational and probably seemingly insane, but that control to stop didn't exist.

I felt him behind me, rubbing my arm, he placed another kiss on the top of my head. "I'll be quick" He turned and walked out, leaving me a mess.

I let out a heavy sigh and sat on the bed, I wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my Gerber banana encrusted sweatshirt. God, I felt awful, why am I like this? I gave myself a minute to get it together before I checked on (baby). She was still fast asleep looking like a tiny angel. She was beautiful and carried so many of Taron's features. I pulled her blanket up to cover her and crept out back downstairs.

I dumped my cold coffee into the sink and just stood there. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was startled by a knock at the door. 

Taron's mum was cheerfully grinning, hugging me right away. "Hello dear, I am here for the baby, it's time to share her with the world." I was confused. "What?" "(Baby) needs time with the grandparents, not to worry sweetheart, she will be in good hands, we've been dying to take her for a night" I was still confused, and a bit reluctant. (Baby) was only a few weeks old and I haven't let her out of my sight since we brought her home. She gave me a gentle pat on the arm and a sympathetic smile. "I will collect her things, go have a seat dear" I plopped myself on the sofa, I couldn't tell her no, and as much as I hate to admit it, it would be nice to take a long bubble bath and relax. She appeared again, diaper bag in hand, fully stocked. "I'm going to put her things in the car, I'll be right back for the baby"

It's been an hour since she's left with (baby) and I think I may have fell asleep sitting here. Has it been an hour? Two? I checked the clock, it's been three. I don't know how I fell asleep sitting up, but my neck was aching. 

I slowly made my way upstairs to the bathroom to draw myself a bath. I felt so relaxed I thought I might fall asleep again. I could certainly use this time to catch up on a bit of sleep. It was still early in the day, and I was at a loss of what to do. 

It's been ages since I was alone. My phone caused me to slightly jump as it went off. There was a text from Taron simply stated "Tonight" "What?" I watched for the 3 dots to appear, but nothing did. "What are you talking about?" Still nothing. I resigned myself and dressed in something the baby hadn't been near, which didn't give me a lot of options. The sound of my phone rattled through the room once more "Get ready" "Taron, what the hell are you on about, get ready for what?" I am once again, confused. "Us" This was frustrating. He stopped responding after my numerous "WTF are you talking about?" texts. I had no idea what I was supposed to "get ready" for. Are we going out? Are we staying in? Is he going to drive me out in the middle of nowhere and murder me? Who knows!

After mulling it over for much too long, I styled my hair, once I remembered how to. I threw on some makeup, giving me some color back in my cheeks and dressed myself in a cute floral sundress, I almost felt like 'me' again.

I sat at the table again, looking out to the perfectly blue sky, feeling a small sense of excitement for the first time in quite awhile. "Come outside" I grabbed my denim jacket and wondered what awaited me when I got there. Taron was in the car motioning for me to get in. I climbed in and felt a twinge of nervousness, we hadn't been alone together in so long. "You look lovely" He smiled so heartily, it made my heart flutter. I was struck with butterflies dancing around my belly. He encased my hand in his and brought it to his lips, giving it a sweet kiss. "Where are we going?" He smiled again, not answering. I rolled my eyes, knowing at this point, he wasn't going to tell me anything. It was really cute though. He looked so happy and excited. I couldn't help but smile, and feel a hard lump of guilt inside of me.

Honestly, it didn't matter where we went, as long as we got this time together. He was my favorite person in the entire world and I had almost forgotten that. Time tends to rip you apart in places if you let it. 

We ended up somewhere in the countryside. It was absolutely breathtaking. Taron led me out of the car and held my hand as we walked. He carried a basket in his other. It was quiet for a moment, I was unsure of what to say. I felt terrible for how I was behaving earlier but I didn't want to bring it up and potentially ruin what we were about to have. We made our way up a large lush hill, resting at the peak for a moment before heading down to a secluded beach. Taron laid out a blanket and unpacked a picnic lunch. It was still rather quiet between us

"This is amazing" I felt overwhelmed with guilt and sadness. He had left earlier to put this together and all I did was give him a hard time. I felt a bit emotional again and tried my hardest not to let my tears push through. He took my hand again, gently tugging me toward him where he placed the sweetest kiss on my lips. My head was swimming, the smallest touch of his lips gave me life. I'd forgotten what this felt like. It took me a moment to open my eyes to see his gorgeous face smiling back at me. "I miss you, Taron, I am so..." He cut me off. "Let's have some food then, shall we" I wanted to apologize and tell him how much  he and all of this meant to me, how much I loved and appreciated him, but instead I shoved a triangle shaped sandwich slice into my mouth. The waves were crashing causing gentle chaos around us. There was a slight warm breeze blowing through our hair, it was so perfect. We sat finishing our food, just taking in the beauty around us. Taron stood up, reaching down for my hand. "Let's take a walk"

We strolled down the beach, the sky glowing golden and spectacularly changing to pink and orange and purple as the sun was setting. We remained quiet, just enjoying being by each other's side. "Can we stop please?" I looked at Taron, I needed to say something, it was eating away at me. He quietly nodded, looking at me with a bit of worry on his face. "Thank you, this has been wonderful, I know things have been...off, but I wanted to tell you how sorry..." He put his finger to my lips. "I know" "Let's not worry about that, let's enjoy our time"

I agreed, but still feeling somewhat melancholy. We were frozen, staring out into the vast ocean. I wanted to hold on to him forever. He was my home. I leaned into him, my head falling to his shoulder, our hands still entwined. He squeezed my hand tightly and tugged me back towards our picnic. He quickly packed up and we began our trek back to the car. 

I was hoping this night wasn't over yet, and we'd get more time together. Taron had a new movie shoot coming up and he was leaving in a week. The night was looming, the sky fading into greys and navy blue darkness. Taron drove for a bit, and finally reaching a destination that lead us to a car park downtown. He lead me to an elevator, I had no idea where we were but I trusted it would be wonderful. The doors opened up to a hotel lobby, with marble floors and extravagant furnishings. He checked us in and again, back into an elevator, making our way to a room. The room was small but cozy, the bed took up a good portion of it, which was easily the most comfortable bed I had ever been in, in my life. I sank right in, the mattress curving to encase my body in pillowy contentment. I felt sleep creeping up and quickly sat upright, I was not wasting this night with my eyes closed, at least, not in that way. Taron excused himself for a moment and I took to the window to check out the view, it was a dazzling display of lights making the city look like it was shimmering. 

A moment later he was back at my side, with another gentle kiss on my cheek. "You don't have to do all this, I am just so happy to be with you, alone" He turned me to face him. "Sweetheart, I know it's been difficult these past few months, but I want to have this, I want you to have this" "It's been increasingly harder to be without you and now with (baby) I can't bear to be away so much" His eyes bored into mine, searching, his hands reaching up to rest on either side of my face. "Look how beautiful you are, I can't believe how lucky I am to have you" "Are you kidding? I think you have that backwards, I'm the lucky one...and I'm sorry, I know you haven't  been attracted to me lately, and I don't..." "Stop, Y/N, you are just as beautiful to me as ever, you're incredible, how can you think that?" "I...we haven't...I mean, look at..." I gestured vaguely at myself He shook his head, "You are absolutely mad!" "You. You are gorgeous, everything about you makes me wild, please believe that, I am completely enamored by you." I watched his lips as he spoke, craving them on my own. "Look at me Y/N" "You, are, everything" He took small pauses between words to emphasize their meaning.

My eyes were glued to his, the intensity in his stare giving me goosebumps. "Taron" I don't even know if it came out of my mouth loud enough for him to hear, my voice was cracking. I said it once more, whispering. 

His lips were on mine in an instant, I felt the crave in his kisses. I wanted it just as much. Our mouths moved in a sweet rhythym, never getting enough. Our breaths became heavier, with want and intention. I pulled back, just long enough for him to miss my lips near his, making him lunge toward them again. I made this a game, the tension growing stronger. His mouth hastily found its way to my neck, languidly moving to the most the spot near my ear where he knew it drove me crazy. His tongue peeked out, licking the soft, sensitive skin there. His breath was hot and full of need whispering in my ear, drawing out my name.

I let out a small moan, my head falling back to give him full access. His hands moved up my body reaching my waist, squeezing me tight. I tore off my jacket and wrapped my arms around to caress the back of his neck, my fingers kneading up and through his hair. It's been so long since we've touched like this, it felt new but so familiar. He released his lips from my skin, leaving me desperate for his contact again. 

In an instant my legs were around his waist as he picked me up. I felt the cool wall on my back and Taron's hands holding me up under my dress. His body pressed into me firmly, once again his eyes searching mine. "Y/N" was all he could say before his lips came back to mine. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest, the feeling was so much more intense than I had imagined. It was like the first time.

I slid slowly down as he let me go. He reached for the zipper in the back of my dress and watched as it fell to the floor. I felt a bit exposed, as I had not felt confident about my body since the baby, but that feeling was quickly forgotten when he dropped to knees to kiss my stomach. I ran my fingers through his hair once again, pulling him closer. His hands caressed my hips, reaching further back, running his palms over my ass. He looked up at me, his eyes so full of lust and passion, it made me shake. 

"You are absolutely fucking amazing" 

I wanted to freeze this moment, and live in it forever. I had never felt such intense love like this before. I couldn't believe I had it now, with him. 

He watched his hands move over my body with incredible attention, slowly, taking in everything. My head fell back against the wall, never wanting this feeling to end. I felt his lips on my thigh and fingers so so slowly and softly tracing the lace detail of my panties. I shivered when his tongue moved from my thigh to my most sensitive spot, eliciting a quiet, breathy show of pleasure. The feeling was so heightened I thought I might explode. His mouth felt like heaven as it licked, nibbled and sucked until I was ready to fall apart.

He sensed I was close and was quickly up again to place me on the bed. He undressed, his eyes never leaving mine. He crawled slowly toward me, a look in his eyes I can't explain. His eyes trailed my body, his hands following, removing what was left clinging to my body. I heard him whisper "Gorgeous" before his lips met my breasts. His body was pushing me down, his mouth giving me the sweetest bliss. I felt his hand grip my thigh, bringing it up to meet his waist and hook around his back, his fingertips gracefully moved up it, leaving goosebumps. 

I was most definitely ready to bust. I grabbed him to bring his face back to mine and allow me to show my gratitude. I nudged him to roll over so I could reciprocate and show him how good he made me feel. I wanted him to experience it too. I kissed his lips, then moved them to his forehead, gently placing the most softest quiet kisses on his cheeks, his nose, his jaw. I drank him in, this perfection below me. His hands never left me, his breath hitching when my lips met his neck. I couldn't help but let out another moan, enjoying the feel of him against me. 

My tongue was eager, ready to please. I left a trail of wet kisses down his chest and stomach and finally to where I know he wanted it the most. I took all of him in, hoping I was giving him as much gratification as he had given me. I was drunk with want, enjoying every moan and staggered breath that was released from his lips. I moved back up, placing myself close to where we were about to join. His hand reached up, caressing my cheek, with that look in his eyes again. I felt his hand move down between us to feel what he had done to me. I was ready.

We both let out an exclamation of intense pleasure as I felt him slide slowly inside me. My head rolled back, wanting more. He gripped my hips, moving me how he wanted me but not letting me go as fast as I had craved. It was excruciating, I wanted to cry. It felt amazing, and dizzying, I just wanted him. He quickly flipped us and covered me with his firm and heavy warm body. HIs lips made their way back to me, his tongue tasting mine and then moving down again to my neck. I felt his teeth grip the delicate skin as he moved in and out of me. The tempo picked up slightly, the air getting heavier. To hear my name coming from his sweet soft lips in an all-consuming display of revelry made me even more turned on than I've ever been. 

It was even hotter when he whispered "Fuck, baby, you feel so fucking incredible" while bringing his hips farther  down to meet mine. I couldn't control myself any longer, I dug my nails into back while my head flung back, thrusting upwards to feel the increasing momentum. I couldn't stop saying his name, over and over, until my voice turned into quiet whimpers begging him not to stop. Watching him over me, his face dressed in ecstacy, was the most beautiful and amazing thing I would ever see. 

Our pace slowed, neither of us wanting it to end. Our lips met again,  a slow cadence of breaths expelled into one another. The pressure was rising, I could feel the heat creeping, my body tingling like I was being set on fire in the most delectible way. "Y/N, look at me" I could hardly open my eyes, the feeling was so amazingly intense. His eyes gazed down at me, feeling like he was staring into my soul, I trembled. Our bodies were in perfect rhythym, our eyes only fixed on one anothers, the burning grew, and I was ready to come undone. 

It felt like time stood still, all I saw was him, his eyes, his lips saying "I love you", the pressure became too much, I shattered. I let out a gutteral whimper as I reached the apex of this moment. Taron gripped my hips and gave one last fervent thrust. I had never heard such sweet music from his lips as when he let himself go and gave into the moment. He fell to my side, out of breath, smiling. "I've missed you" I couldn't help but smile back, turning to him to caress his face. "I love you, I'm sorry" "Shush, come here" He enveloped me into his arms, planting tiny sticky kisses on my lips. "I feel like I could sleep forever now" my words trailing lazily as I drifted off. Taron settled into my side, giving me one last squeeze before sleep took him over.

[marvel-lously]

A Kiss For A Slip

Words: 3000ish

Genre. fluff

Pairing: Zendaya x reader

A/N: I had this scenario in my head for far too long and I am now finally putting it into words. This is a little different than the rest of Zendaya fics I’ve seen so far. I am actually quite proud of how it came out and I sincerely hope you like it too (in fact, I am thinking of writing a smutty next part so tell me if you’re interested). Reblogs and comments are greatly appreciated :D

All photos belong to amazing @really-bad-pauses

Tags ‘cause I am a bit of an attention whore (but tell me if you want to be untagged): @supersoldierfreak @ryleighisapanda @one-big-dreamer @santahollands @spiderrrling @hollandroos @lauxxury @itsholyholland @peachyhollands @lesbianfalcon @screamholland @ginatoldmeso @theassetseyeliner @no-aaaahhhh @aw-hawkeye @falseosterhollandfantasies @zophora @angelpparker @allithewriter @likechadwick @purespidey @petalparker @astral-parker @cindysmoonss @spideymybabe @afilmbypeterparkr @mj4president @mandatheredpanda @princessunicorn13 @talkfastparker

»Yo Paddy, help  me out with this will you? Y/N's coming home today.« Tom yelled from the bottom of the stairs, sighing frustratingly after getting no response. »I swear to god Paddy I will spoil the Endgame for you, if you don't come down and help me right away!«

Loud rumbling could be heard, coming from Paddy's room. »Okay I'll help you, I'll help you, just, don't you dare spoil the movie for me.« Paddy shouted, running down the stairs, almost falling in the process.

»Good, now let's get on with it.« Tom smiled, clapping his hands.

»Where are Harry and Sam? Why aren't they here to help?« The youngest of the brothers asked, making a dissatisfied face.

»They are, they went to the store to get some of the missing ingredients.« Tom gave his younger brother a pat on the head. »Don't be like this, you know how Y/n always does things like this for us, so, don't you think it would be kind if we do something nice for her, for a change?«

Paddy seemed to give  Tom's words a considerable amount of thought, then nodded. »You're right Tom«, he said shyly, fidgeting with his hands, »but I don't want to be the one who only washes the dishes all the time, I want to be real help!«

Tom looked at him, smirking. »Okay, fine, you're in charge of cooking the bechamel sauce for our lasagna, deal?« Tom offers his hand out for Paddy to shake in agreement.

The boy just gawked with wide, but excited eyes. »Deal.« He quipped, firmly shaking Tom's hand.

The bell rang.

»I'll get it« called Tom from the kitchen, quickly drying his hands with a kitchen towel.

You squeezed Tom in a tight embrace. You haven't seen your brother in what? Three months? College was hard.

»Wow, Y/n, I see you still look... stressed, depressed...« he looked you up and down »not even well dressed, I see.«

You gasped mockingly. »Why thank you my dearest brother and you still look like a 12 year old. Honestly, has Paddy outgrew you yet?« You joked, ruffling Tom's hair.

»I missed you too sis.« He laughed, hugging you once more.

»Y/n!!« Sam, Harry and Paddy, came barging through the hallway door, throwing themself at you, wrapping you in a giant hug.

»Hey Paddy! Wow! You've grown so much!« you said, your voice astounded.

»Come on, let's go eat before we all start crying. The English are salty enough as it is.« Harry chuckled, pushing you towards the dining room.

»Where are mum and dad by the way?« You asked curiously.

»Oh, they just went to pick up Z, they should be back in half an hour.« Tom shrugged nonchalantly.

»I'm sorry, what?«  You asked, gulping.

»Yeah, Z's coming to London for filming for a couple of days and since we're friends I thought it'd be okay if she stays with us.« Tom raised an eyebrow. »Why? Is there something wrong with that?«

»No, nope, all good here, I'm just... imma go to the bathroom real quick.« You said, already backing out of the room.

What the fuck? Zendaya is coming to your house? Without as much as a single warning from Tom?? How fucking dares he?

Your mind was all over the place, you had to take deep breaths in order not to freak out.

You splashed some cold water in your face, hoping it would pull you back from wherever the hell your train of thoughts was heading.

It's just another one of Tom's friends staying here for a sleepover, nothing unusual, except... this time it was your crush.

You had the biggest crush on Z ever since you saw her in Homecoming. She was this cool, talented, beautiful, smart girl and you were... you. There was nothing special about you, or at least so you thought.

You decided to head back before the boys got suspicious.

»Y/n? Is everything alright with you?« Sam's expression was clearly worried.

»Yes, yeah of course, I'm just a little tired from the ride here and everything.« You offered a reassuring smile.

You ate your dinner quicker than ever before. Every bite burned your throat and by the end of it, you thought you were breathing fire.

The doorbell rang once again. You panickingly grabbed your napkin, wiping the meat sauce off your mouth.

»Hey Z!« You heard Tom's greeting from the hall.

»Y/n! Your mum and dad came rushing through the door, each enveloping you in their arms.

You hugged back. You missed them more than you will ever admit, but you still let go fast, not able to shake this nauseous feeling you got when you saw Z standing behind them.

»I believe we haven't met yet.« She smiled, stretching out her hand. »I'm Zendaya« Her voice chimed and you could feel goosebumps forming on your skin.

»Yeah, I know«, you forced a smile, giving her hand a lousy shake, »I'm Y/n.«

The most beautiful smile you had ever seen graced her lips. »Yeah I know, Tom told me a lot about you.« She almost sang.

Oh god, of course he talked about you, you could only hope he left out a few of the embarrassing things you have done.

»I sure hope they were good things.« You let out a nervous laugh.

»Absolutely.« She chuckled, giving your shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

˝Oh god, oh god, oh god. Okay Y/n, don't freak out, don't freak out, just play it cool. Just fucking play it cool.˝ You thought to yourself.

She must've felt you tense under her touch because she soon let go and mumbled a timid sorry.

»I... I'm gonna head to bed now.« You stuttered.

»Already?« Tom asked, surprise clear in his tone.

»Like I said, I'm super tired and I don't want to fall asleep on the couch again.« You smiled, heading to your room.

»Was is something I said?« Zendaya's concerned voice was the last thing you heard before locking yourself in your bedroom

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

˝Y/n, you good?˝ -Message from Sam.

˝Yeah?˝

-Your message.

˝Wanna talk about it?˝-Message from Sam.

˝Do I WaNnA TaLk AbOuT iT??!˝

-Your message.

˝Well do you??˝-Message from Sam.

˝It's just that Tom didn't tell me about Z coming over and I was a little unprepared that's all.˝-Your message.

˝Y/n, I know you, that's not it. Tell me what's rly going on.˝-Message from Sam.

˝Oh you think you know me?!˝

-Your message.

˝Well believe it or not Y/n, we've been siblings for over 19 years, so yeah, I do know you. And where tf do you even get all those pictures??˝-Message from Sam.

˝It's a secret.˝-Your message.

˝*gasp* you dare to keep secrets like this from your own brother˝

-Message from Sam.

˝*double gasp* you dare to interrogate me about my secret meme stash?˝-Your message.

˝Ugh, you're trying to distract me... just tell me what's wrong already.˝-Message from Sam.

˝Ugh, fine grumpy. I have a crush on her okay?˝ -Your message.

˝And why is that a problem??˝- Message from Sam.

˝Because she's a gorgeous and I am a potato???˝-Your message.

˝You're not a potato... okay maybe you're chips, but those are pretty nice anyways so I still don't see your point here.˝- Message from Sam.

˝Anyways, mum's telling me to put my phone down, plus she said we have to go shopping tomorrow so... we'll talk about this tmrw??˝- Message from Sam.

˝k˝- Your message.

You sighed in frustration, putting your phone  on the nightstand, you hoped you'll be able to get some sleep despite all that has happened that day, knowing you're going to need a lot of energy to deal with all of it the next day.

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You woke up early, wanting to have the bathroom for yourself before the four of them come crowding in and there's no way in hell you can do your makeup or anything for that matter.

You stripped down, ready for a hot shower to wake you up. You tried your new ginger lemon shampoo your friend bought you for Christmas. It smelled heavenly.

You barely managed to grab a towel before Zendaya opened the door.

»Jesus!« You shouted, startled by her sudden appearance.

»Y/n, oh gosh, I'm so sorry, I thought the toilet was free« She started apologizing, her cheeks getting warmer by second.

»It's... we don't usually lock the door I am afraid.« You mumbled incoherently.

»Right... I'm so sorry, I'm just... I am gonna leave now.« She said, stammering over her words and promptly leaving the spot. »And go jump off a bridge.« She murmured to herself.

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»She just came out of nowhere. Oh god Sam, I didn't even have my legs shaved, I must've looked like a freaking grizzly bear to her. What's she going to think about me now?« You whisper-yelled panickingly, pushing the trolly.

»Y/n, just calm down will ya? It's not like she came in to check whether or not you're regularly shaving your legs.« Sam rolled his eyes.

»But I am regularly shaving my legs, well... except for winter... but that's beside the point, I mean what even? She's this beautiful goddess, sent to destroy my sanity as it seems.« You sighed, subconsciously pulling on your hair in frustration.

»Wow, you're really crushing hard this time, aren't you?« Sam chuckled.

»If you say as much as a single word to her, I will make sure Tom knows you were the one who tried on his suit when he was gone and tore it.« You threatened, pointing a finger at him.

»Ugh... you're impossible!« He groaned, rubbing his face with his hands in hopelessness.  »Fine, I won't say a word.«

»Pinky promise?« You asked untrusting, offering him your finger.

»Pinky promise.« He sighed, hooking his pinky around yours.

»I don't understand though, why won't you just talk to her?« He asked, wanting to understand your logic in this situation.

»Because... Sam, I don't stand a chance. She's so amazing and cool and intelligent and I am...«

»You're strong and kind and hardworking and smart and caring and pretty. Y/n, stop putting yourself down like this.« He said, looking you straight in the eyes.

You smiled, Sam's words somewhat lifting your spirits up. »Plus, she's so cute I could literally die.« You laughed nervously.

»Then perish.« Sam said in the most serious tone he could master, before you both burst out laughing.

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»She looked so cute, like a scared puppy or something.« Zendaya rambled, her voice a few octaves higher than normal. »But I'm so embarrassed tho, I just barged in, like what does she think of me now? If she didn't like me before, she sure as hell doesn't like me now.« Z nearly cried hiding her head in the pillow on the couch.

»I think you're exaggerating now.« Tom tried to reassure, rubbing her back soothingly. »I’m sure Y/n likes you, she's just shy around people she doesn't know well.”

»Oh yeah? Tom, when I touched her she tensed like I just poured ice on her.« Zendaya’s voice was desperate.

»Like I said, she's... really shy.« Tom tried to  comfort her.

»I don't know... I still don't think she likes me very much.« She murmured into the pillow.

»Maybe you two need to go out and do something together, like some sort of bonding time you know?« Tom suggested.

»And what do you suggest we do?«

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»Harry, Tom, we're home.« You yelled carrying a bag of groceries.

»Come here, we're just watching a movie.« Harry yelled from the living room.

You let down your groceries, heading towards the living room.

»Aww, it's Me Before You.« You smiled at seeing one of your favorite films playing on telly.

You sat on the sofa. »Come here Tess!« You pated your legs and Tess immediately left Tom's lap, jumping on a seat next to you.

»Oh I see, I thought there was only one traitor bitch in this house, but I see there's two.« He feigned being offended.

»Jealous much?« You laughed, giving him an evil grin.

»I'm back!« Zendaya's voice rang from the hallway. You immediately froze. You wanted to be around her so bad, but at the same time, you wanted to bury yourself alive from how awkward you were around her.

»Hey Y/n« She greeted, offering you a smile.

»Hi« You tried your best for your voice not to tremble.

»What's up?« She asked, plopping down next to you and Tessa.

»Nothing much, I was just about to leave before I start full on crying because of this movie.« You tried to offer her a smile, already standing up.

You got yourself four incredulous looks and a judgemental one from Sam.

Soon after you went upstairs, so did Zendaya.

»Okay what's going on with Y/n?« Tom asked, your behavior making absolutely no sense to him.

»She has a crush on Z« Sam sighed, running his hand through his hair.

»Oooh, well, that... still doesn't explain why she's acting the way she is...?« Tom waited for an explanation.

»Well, she doesn't think she stands a chance with Z.« Sam explained.

»Oh my god, are you serious right now?« Tom asked, staring unbelievably at Sam.

»Yeah tell me about it, but try convincing Y/n into it... you know how she is.«

»I told Zendaya to invite her to do something together, to bond you know?« Tom said, his voice hopeful.

»Are you sure you won't just make things more awkward between them this way?« Harry questioned, sceptical.

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There was  knock on your door.

»Y/n? Can I come in?« Zendaya's muffled voice made your heart skip a beat.

»Uh, yeah, sure.« You cleared your throat, quickly grabbing a few of the clothes laying around the room and hiding them under your bed. »What's good?« You asked once she stepped in.

»Well, I got this spa cupones today and I was wondering if you wanted to join me?« She asked, playing with her sleeves nervously.

Her words sent your brain into overdrive. Oh my goodness, Zendaya just asked you to come to a spa with her. Zendaya freaking Coleman asked you to go to a spa with her! But... what if you make things awkward, what if she's only asking you to be nice and doesn't actually want you to come with her, what if...?

»Y/n?« Her voice broke your trans. »I'm sorry, you don't have to go if you don't want to.« There was a genuine disappointment in her voice.

»No, no, I...« you cleared your throat once more, »I would love to go.«

Her face lit up like a Christmas tree. »Oh that's wonderful!« She chipped. »Come on, let's go!«

»Wait... right now?« You gulped nervously.

»Well yes, unless... you don't want to go right now?« She raised her eyebrow in question.

»No, it's okay, just give me a second to get ready okay?«

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You were walking down the pavement, your hands freezing. How could you be so stupid to forget your mittens at home, in this weather. You tried pulling your sleeves over your hand in hopes it would help, unfortunately it proved out to be useless.

»Jesus Y/n, your hands are literally turning blue from the cold, here«, she said, taking a hold of your hands, »let me help.«

You had to bite your tongue in order to stop yourself from squealing. Not only were your hands getting warmer, your entire body was.

When you arrived at the spa, you two decided to go to the pool first, you both needed to warm up a bit, after walking the entire way over here, in this icy weather.

You had to force yourself not to gawk at Z like a madman. She looked stunning, her olive green swimsuit complimenting her beautiful tawny complexion.

»Last one in the pool buys hot chocolate.« She yelled, running towards the pool.

You quickly ran after her, but just before you managed to reach the pool your foot slipped, sending you face down to the ground.

Zendaya rushed back to you, helping you get up. »Shit, Y/n, can you stand?« Panic was clear in her voice.

No, no you couldn't, but no so much because of the pain, but because you just face planted in front of your crush. Oh god, you were a mess.

You clutched hard on her arm. »I am a little dizzy.« You admitted.

»Yeah, no wonder, you're bleeding«, she rubbed soothing circles on your back, »come on, let's get you cleaned up.« She said, allowing you to lean almost your entire weight on her, taking you to the toilets.

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You were sitting on a toilet seat, while she went to get first aid.

»I am sorry, this is my fault.« She said, pressing a damp cotton ball to the side of your forehead, where your wound was.

»No, no it's not, you're not the one who was careless enough to ignore the fact that floor was wet and full on sprinted to the pool.« You laughed, hoping your words would reassure her.

She gave you a tight smile, not once removing her eyes from your wound.

The feeling of her hot breath send shivers down your spine, every nerve inside of you seemed so much more sensitive when you were around her.

»There« she said, after she finished cleaning the gash, pressing a gentle kiss to it.

After she realized what she has done, she froze, her soft lips promptly leaving your skin.

»I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that.« She stammered.

Your mind quite literally exploded.  You looked at her and you could see she was just as much of a mess as you were.

You took a hold of her hands, giving them a comforting squeeze. You stared deep into her eyes. ˝Oh hell, it's now or never, be brave for once in your life˝ you thought, slowly leaning in, your foreheads now touching. You gave her enough time to back away, but all she did was close her eyes before you softly brushed your lips against hers.

After a while, you slowly broke the kiss. She didn't even give you a second to think, before she pressed her lips back to yours, only this time, with much more passion. She grazed her tounge against your bottom lip, begging you to give her entrance and you happily obliged, the feeling of her tounge like a drug to you.

A knock on the door broke your makeout session. »Is everything okay in there, do you need anything else for the wound?« It was the receptionist who gave Zendaya the first aid.

»No, we're good.« You yelled back, a little out of breath.

»Come on, let's go back before they call you an ambulance«, she smirked, »We'll continue this later.«

[mariahschoices]

Together Was Perfection

Here I present to you a slightly AU Perfect Match fanfic (no Eros plot line). This fic consists of some plot/background, a little fluff, and a lot of smut towards the end. PB couldn’t pump out chapters quickly enough for me to satiate my Damien fix, so I had to write a fic of my own. ;)

Characters and some dialogue have been borrowed from Pixelberry.

Rating: NC17 / NSFW

Word count: 10,999

Trigger warning: brief non-con scene / attempted rape

_______________________________________________________________________

"UGH! Just go without me!" Nadia mumbled with the last of her breath, before firmly stuffing her face down into the pillow.


Kai sat at the edge of the bed, peering at her cousin over her shoulder. 


“Are you sure? I mean, I can stay here with you again tonight. It's not really a big deal,” Kai protested. Rubbing Nadia's shoulder and eyeing her with concern, she continued, “It's not like movie night is any big thing. We can all just meet up next week."


Nadia lifted her face off the pillow just enough to enable one eye to peer above the cushion, the rest of her face thoroughly smooshed and removed from view.

"No! Go... really. I mean it,” she smiled softly, letting Kai know she really was doing okay enough to let her leave.


"Okay, if you insist. I'll text Damien."


Kai left the room as she pulled her cell phone out of her pocket, quickly texting their mutual friend. "We're on for tonight if you still want to come over. Nadia won't be joining."


Moments later, Damien texted back, short and sweet as usual. "Sure. See you in 15."

Nadia and her boyfriend, Steve, had just broken up, and Nadia had become a complete train wreck. Her eyes were puffy and swollen from all of the tears she’d shed, and her bedroom floor was covered in used tissues. Not that Kai was monitoring her that closely, but she was also fairly certain Nadia hadn't even showered in at least three days.


Damien had seen Steve downtown with another woman - a woman who was most decidedly not Nadia. It turned out that Steve had been living a complete double life, and that he was secretly married with two kids during the entire duration of he and Nadia’s relationship. Steve had fooled them all, but Nadia truly felt as if her life had been brought to a grinding halt when things ended.


 After all, Nadia had bought an apartment in the city with this man. She had been convinced that he was going to be her future husband, but as it turned out, he hadn't proposed to her yet because that role had already been filled. Nadia had left their apartment with nothing but the clothes she had on, and she had moved back in with Kai and blocked Steve from all forms of contact. Whoever the next guy Nadia brought home would be, he would have to be fully vetted by Damien before things got serious.

Kai busied herself making a bowl of microwave popcorn in preparation for movie night. As she poured the popcorn into a bowl with m&ms, her favorite sweet and salty combo, the doorbell rang.

Kai walked to the door and opened it without looking through the peep hole. Damien walked in with a bottle of Bacardi in hand, smiling softly at Kai before sitting the bottle on the kitchen island.


"What's that for?" Kai questioned, motioning with one hand towards the bottle. "I didn't realize it was a special occasion."


"I thought you might need this, what with babysitting Nadia all week and all,” he chuckled lightheartedly before adding, "How is she doing, anyway?"


"About as good as to be expected for someone who found out the person they thought was their soulmate is actually a piece of shit dirtbag who has been living a double life."


Damien nodded in agreement, stepping towards the cabinet where the drink glasses were stored, pouring a double shot for each of them.

Kai joined him behind the counter, and they each threw back their shots. Kai made a face and Damien chuckled lightly at her, a sound barely audible to the untrained ear, but Kai knew him well enough to know what to look for.


Kai and Nadia had first met Damien over four years ago. As a popular gallery artist, Nadia had met and schmoozed with hundreds of fellow artists and fans, but a certain fan of hers had been a little too enthralled with Nadia, and he was obsessed with gaining her attention. He had found out her home address and began sending her explicit drawings of himself and Nadia, engaging in deranged sexual activities together. 


The drawings started showing up about once a month, gradually increasing to once a week, then finally multiple times a week, to the point where Nadia had finally contacted a private investigator to hunt down who this nutcase was that had been trying to get her attention. 


Damien had come highly recommended to her by a coworker, and he ultimately led a stakeout that discovered the creep’s identity within a weeks time after he was hired. After Damien had helped Nadia get her life back during that difficult time, Kai had suggested that they all go out to dinner together to show their appreciation for his efforts. He agreed, and they realized over dinner that they had a lot in common, quickly becoming close friends soon after. Now, they had weekly movie nights on Fridays to get together and catch up at the end of a busy week.

"I guess I'll be nice and let you pick the movie, even though it's my turn to pick,” Damien interrupted Kai’s trip down memory lane. “I figured you might need the mental escape, since you haven't had a moment to yourself all week."

Looking slightly apprehensive, Damien continued, "...even if it's one of the ones from that pile that I've been saying no to every Friday,” Damien pointed towards a bordering-on-impressive collection of predictable, yet endearing, romantic comedies.


"Seriously?!" Kai nearly yelped in disbelief.

"I mean, we can watch Blade Runner again if you'd prefer. I'm always cool with rewatching a class - "

"No! I mean... a rom com is good,” Kai stopped him before he could finish his statement or revoke his offer.

She selected The Notebook from the pile, and settled into a spot on the sofa across from Damien, grabbing the popcorn bowl and sitting it between them so they could share.


About halfway into the movie, characters Noah and Allie are reunited after years of being apart, resulting in a rather steamy sex scene. 


Hmmm... maybe I should have picked another movie. I mean, I don't want Damien to feel uncomfortable watching this with me, Kai thought, as she reached into the popcorn bowl to distract herself from what was happening on the screen.

Damien must have been on the same wavelength, because Kai's fingers slightly grazed against his as she reached for an m&m at the bottom of the bowl.


"Oh! Sorry. You have it,” Kai blushed, removing her hand from the bowl quickly as she felt her cheeks getting warmer. Thankfully, all of the lights in the living room had been turned off, so Kai was hopeful that he wouldn't notice the color in her cheeks and call her out.

Damien held out his hand, offering up a few pieces of popcorn along with the last m&m that Kai had just been reaching for. "What's mine is yours,” his eyes glistened, the reflection of the TV illuminating the smug grin that had revealed itself on his face.


"What a gentleman," Kai noted, rolling her eyes sarcastically. "Thank you," she mumbled, as she plucked the candy from his hand, wishing that he wasn’t always so observant.

They finished the rest of the movie in comfortable silence.

____________________________
___________________________________________

The next morning, Kai threw her head back against her pillows as Damien nipped her hip bone lightly. His hands glided up her body to steady her as he lifted up, slightly running his nose along her inner thigh, leaving kisses in his wake.


"Damien," she called out softly, ready and wanting.


"Kai," he said, as she felt a smile forming on his lips that were pressed against her skin, kissing her further and moving closer towards her center.


"Kai," he said again, a little louder this time. She smiled, knowing that he was getting closer to where she wanted him to be. She could almost feel his breath on her, softly teasing and tempting her body into submission.


"Kai!" she heard her name again, much louder this time, only it wasn’t Damien's voice.

"Huh?" Kai's body jolted upright like a dog at the sound of the treat jar being opened. She opened her eyes, met with the sight of Nadia standing in the doorframe of her bedroom, freshly showered and looking like a human again after her week long depression. Kai's dream of Damien was brought to a startling halt. Nadia might as well have poured a bucket of cold water on Kai’s head.


Damien? Oh shit.... Kai thought to herself. She had just been having a sex dream about Damien. It had to be that movie last night. After they watched the movie, she has shared a couple rounds of shots with Damien before he left around midnight, and she had quickly fallen asleep without any sort of… relief. Yea. It was just a dream. Not a big deal, she told herself.

"Sorry Kai, but I had to come and tell you the good news. We're going out tonight! I'm not going to let Ste - er, he who shall not be named, dictate my life anymore," she beamed, more confident and determined than Kai had seen her cousin look in a while.

"I want to get a head start on moving on, and I was hoping that you'd be my wing-woman tonight. Maybe you can ask Damien to come too, so that you have someone to talk to while I'm on the prowl?" Nadia smiled brightly, moving her hand like a jungle cat whose diet consisted solely on men.


"Sure,” Kai smiled, happy to see her cousin acting more like herself, and trying not to think too much about the dream she had just been having about the same man she would be seeing again later tonight.


"By the way, what was that dream about?” Nadia smirked, walking away before Kai could give a response. _______________________________________________________________________

"Are you ready yet? Damien will be here in 5,” Nadia urged, tapping her foot eagerly against the floor as Kai put on her last pass of lip gloss.

"Sure, sure. Do I look okay?" Kai asked. She had clothed herself in a short, sleeveless dress with a sweetheart neckline. The skirt was covered in sparkles that would add an eye-catching glisten whenever the lights in the club flashed her way.


"You look great. I'm sure Damien will approve," Nadia remarked with a saccharine smile. Before Kai could respond to her cousin’s remark, the doorbell rang.


"I'll get it!" Nadia chimed quickly, scurrying away in a hurried frenzy to let Damien into the apartment.


"You ladies ready? I have a car waiting for us downstairs,” Damien declared.

Damien focused his eyes on Kai, and she could swear that a flash of something had registered itself in his gaze as he took in the sight of her. He quickly broke eye contact, turning to head downstairs to the waiting car before Kai was able to decipher what that something was.
 _____________________________
__________________________________________

"What the hell is that?" Damien announced, as Nadia paused to sit down a pair of pink drinks at their booth, complete with paper umbrellas and sugared rims.

"I'll have you know that these came highly recommended from the bartender, Damien. I'm sure you two will love them."


Kai pulled the drink closer to herself, taking a shy sip whilst making eye contact with Damien to see if he would play along.

"Come on Damien, I know you're not going to waste the alcohol. There's rum in this."


"Whatever," Damien grumbled, before taking a drink. "It's not so bad, I guess."


Moments later, a tall, slender woman with light brown hair and perfect, plump lips paraded towards their booth near the back of the club.

"Hi there, I'm Alana,” she spoke in Damien's direction, not making eye contact with the other women. "Would you like to dance with me? Or, maybe I can buy you a drink?" she eyed the pink cocktail that Damien held in his hand with a look of barely disguised disdain. "I promise I'll make it something better than that."


The gears seemed to churn in Damien’s mind while he sized up this new person who had just entered their space. "Sure, why not?" Damien agreed with a cocky smile, before exiting their booth to follow her onto the dance floor.


"Who the hell is that, am I right?" Nadia remarked, asking the question aloud that Kai's eyes had been saying just moments before. "Damien doesn't dance," she finished.


"Apparently he dances with hot Indonesian women,” Kai stated, barely audible above the club's music and trying not to sound too bitter.


"Well, he doesn't get to have all the fun," Nadia stated with newfound vigor. "Let's go," she continued, grabbing Kai's arm and pulling her onto the dance floor as a new beat started to play.


Nadia and Kai threw their arms in the air, dancing to the beat without a care in the world. It was a welcome distraction from whatever was going on across the club with Damien and his new 'friend.'

Without intending to, Kai turned and managed to lock her eyes on the sight of Damien and his new dance partner. His moves were effortless and smooth. He clearly knew what he was doing, and he looked relaxed, but also like he was enjoying himself. A sideways grin made its way onto his face, which was directed at his new companion.


He really is quite handsome, Kai thought to herself as she studied his features. His bronze skin glowed with alternating flashes of red and gold under the club lights. His hair was slightly overgrown, a groomed sort of disheveled that made him look carefree, yet still put together. The two-day-old stubble along his jaw attributed to his rugged, macho man persona, which was fitting for his career as a PI. His lips... not too thick or thin, but perfectly kissable... she caught herself thinking, right before locking eyes with him as he turned to face her and Nadia.


 Shit, she thought, looking away quickly from his dark brown eyes, woven with threads of warm golden honey that made them seem endlessly deep. Damn, I guess that dream affected me more than I thought, she acknowledged to herself as she felt her cheeks growing warmer.


For some reason, Kai's path had never aligned with Damien's in any sort of capacity beyond friendship. During the times that she had had a boyfriend, he had been single, and whenever he had a girlfriend, she had always been free as a daisy. She had never put much thought into it before, but as she felt the pit of jealousy that was welling in her stomach, she started to wonder why they had never even tried to go on a date to see what would happen. He had always been such a good friend to her. Maybe he just didn't want to push things? Maybe he wasn't even attracted to her, she admitted to herself begrudgingly.

Kai bit her lip, mulling over these thoughts in her mind before looking back in Damien's direction. The woman was gone.

_______________________________________________________________________

A few weeks later, Kai, Nadia, and Damien were seated in their favorite booth at the local cafe.

"I can't do movie night this Friday, guys. I have a conference to go to in San Francisco that is 'absolutely mandatory,' per my grade-A douchebag boss,” Kai announced, before taking a bite out of her biscotti.


"San Francisco? You know my family is from there, right?" Damien responded, seemingly in another world the way his eyes drifted, focused on everything and nothing at all at the same time.


"Oh, I guess I had forgotten. When was the last time you went home for a visit?"


"Oh... uh..." Damien looked around, avoiding eye contact and sitting stoically still. The silence seemed to go on for minutes rather than seconds.


"Are you okay, Damien?" Nadia intervened. "You look like you've seen a ghost," she giggled halfheartedly, trying to lighten the mood.


"No, it's fine. It's just.. it's been a long time since I’ve been home to see them. Since before I met you guys. Maybe four and a half years? It was before I left the force."


"Well maybe you should come with me," Kai prodded gently. "It sounds like you're due for a visit, and I could use a companion at the charity banquet the company is sponsoring. It’s on the last day of my trip. My boss thinks I have no social life as it is, so maybe if I bring a date, he won't insist I continue living at the office like I have been."

"Alright, sure I guess,” Damien conceded, sounding more unsure than she’d ever heard him be. "If you don't mind that I tag along," he added. "I'll even put on my good suit,” he smiled, recovering almost flawlessly and moving quickly past his moment of weakness.


Kai studied him cautiously. Not wanting to pry, she finally announced, ”Great! It's a date,” she smiled at her two best friends.
 _____________________

Damien knocked on the door of Kai's hotel room, ready to escort her to the charity banquet that was being held in the ballroom of her hotel. Kai's footsteps could be heard through the thin walls of the hotel room as he waited patiently in the hall.


"Just a second," Kai called out.

Kai opened the door moments letter, and Damien couldn’t help but study her appearance, fully enraptured by the sight of her. She wore a long, emerald green gown with a deep V neckline, and a layered, silver chain necklace hung from around her neck. Her long locks were loosely curled, flowing like water over each shoulder.


"You look great. I mean - you look good," he muttered. "I mean, you clean up well, Kai."


Kai felt a blush growing in her cheeks under receiving such scrutiny from Damien. "You're not so bad yourself, Nazario."
 Noticing that Damien hadn't moved from his spot in the doorway, Kai smiled and lightly touched his arm, moving them further out into the hallway.

"Let's go. I have a boss to appease and some money to raise!" she walked towards the elevator, leaving Damien two steps behind. He quickly shook off his brain fog, reeling himself in to be able to keep up with his date for the evening.
 _______________________________________________________________________

"Kai, there you are! I wanted to introduce you to my nephew, Hayden," Kai's boss, Mr. Young, bellowed in her direction, ignoring Damien entirely.

"Hi, Hayden. It's lovely to meet you,” Kai responded, keeping it friendly but still professional. "Mr. Young, Hayden, this is Damien," she smiled, gently touching Damien's arm to bring him into the conversation.


"Oh, I didn't realize you were seeing someone, Kai," Mr. Young asserted.

"Oh, Damien? I mean, he's my date, but not my date date. We're just friends," she responded, glancing in Hayden’s direction with curiously.


Sure, Damien had given some indication that he might find her appealing as more than a friend, such as his reaction whenever he saw her in her gala dress, but Kai figured she may as well explore other options until one of them worked up the nerve to act of their feelings. Right now, Mr. Young's nephew looked like a pretty appealing option in his maroon suit jacket and bow tie.


"Well, that's a relief," Hayden responded. Mr. Young took the moment as an opportunity to escape to the buffet for another shrimp cocktail. 


Kai moved to turn towards Damien, not wanting to abandon him completely after he had graciously agreed to be her date for the evening, but he wasn’t there. He had already slipped away, escaping silently into the night. 
 _____________
__________________________________________________________

The next morning, Kai met Damien downstairs in the cafeteria for breakfast. Damien hadn’t spoken a word to her all morning, and she decided it was time to break the slightly uncomfortable silence. She busied herself by pouring maple syrup on her pancakes, avoiding eye contact with Damien.

"Where did you go last night? I turned around to ask you about staying for dessert, but you were already gone."


"I, uh, I had some business to attend to," he said, offering no further explanation.


Deciding it was probably best to move on, Kai inquired, “Are you finally going to visit your family today? We’ll need to be at the airport by 8, so you still have enough time to get a decent visit in. If I didn't know any better, I'd almost think you were avoiding your main reason for coming here.”


"No, no.. it's just, you know that I haven't seen them in a long time. Too long." he lamented, before taking a long swig of his black coffee. "Would you come with me?" he asked, holding his breath in anticipation as he waited for an answer. "I don't know if I can face them alone," he added finally, letting Kai see the true reason behind his hesitation.

"Absolutely,” she smiled softly at him, gently placing her hand over his on the table for reassurance. “It's the least I could do to return the favor for accompanying me last night.” Releasing him from her grip, she continued, "Not that I mind, but can you at least tell me what it is you're so worried about? They're your family, Damien. They love you."

"I know... I just haven't seen them since I was in the force,” he answered hesitantly, deciding on how much of the true story he really wanted to reveal to Kai. Acknowledging to himself that Kai was a true friend who would be there for him no matter what skeletons were in his closet, he continued, "We got a call to the station late one night - what seemed like your average domestic dispute..." he wrung his hands through his hair, his eyes cloudy and distant as he continued, reliving the memory of that night.

”We arrived on location to speak with the husband, but he was just a red herring. I didn't put the clues together quickly enough. A mother and child died because I was too stupid to see the signs," he continued, closing his eyes to avoid looking at what he assumed would be a mix of pity and disgust on Kai's face. It was a look he was used to receiving, at least in the past when he had told the few people in his life the story of why he had really left San Francisco.


"I had to get out of the city after that. I left my family and all of my friends behind. Everything about that place reminded of what happened, and I just couldn't cope with the guilt.” He risked a glance in her direction, met with an open, receptive and non-judgmental smile from Kai.

"Damien, I'm sorry," she squeezed his hand reassuringly, "but you can't blame yourself. Mistakes happen. You are a good man, and I know your family would love to see you again."


"I know you're right," he squeezed her hand back.


Thankful that Damien had finally shared the truth about his past, Kai moved the conversation forward, out of the darkness and into the light of day.

”Now, let's get out of here and go see your family! Your mom is going to be so surprised," Kai beamed at him.


"Let's go," Damien returned her warm, infectious smile with one of his own. __________________
_____________________________________________________

"¡Ay, por Dios! Mijo! Is that really you?" Damien's mother exclaimed, moments before wrapping her arms around him and squeezing, burying her head into his hair.


"Mama," Damien started, slightly embarrassed. "I missed you too. Kai, this is my mother. Mom, this is Kai."

"Oh," Damien's mother, suddenly noticing that he wasn't there alone, extended her hand in Kai's direction. "Kai, it's so nice to meet you. Damien has never brought a girlfriend home before. You must be very special to him!" she smiled excitedly.


Kai started to correct her, but Damien intercepted. "Yes, mama. She is very special to me. Are any of the girls here?" Damien asked, moving away from the topic at hand.


"Oh, you know your sisters, mijo. They're always running around. Hope moved out a couple years back after she got engaged to a lovely young man. You would like him!" she smiled, clasping both hands around one of Damien's. "Isabela is in class, and Carina took on an extra shift at the shop. Lucilla is at softball practice. She should be home soon."


"Of course, mama,” Damien looked around, soaking in the feeling of being home after so long.


Noticing her son’s expression, Damien's mother intercepted, "Damien, why don't you show Kai around the house? I kept everything in your room exactly the same. I had hoped you would come visit your poor mother one of these days," she prodded, a grain of seriousness behind her joke.


"Oh, I would love that!" Kai started down the hall like she already knew the way to her destination. Stopping in front of a small, simply decorated bedroom with a burgundy bedspread and an assortment of family photos covering the walls, Kai turned to Damien. "Is this yours?"


"How'd you know?" he responded as he stepped inside the room, the smell of home bringing him back to a simpler time before things in his life had gotten so complicated.

Kai looked around, waiting for Damien to say something. This was his home territory after all.


"You know, meeting you and gaining your friendship after what happened meant a lot to me," Damien started, seemingly out of nowhere. Unable to stop himself from sharing his feelings with Kai in his childhood bedroom, he continued, "You got me to laugh again. You kept me from drinking alone and you invited me to places," he admitted. Kai could swear she saw a slight blush show up on his tan skin.


"Damien! That might be the sweetest thing you've ever said to me. You know I'll always be here for you," Kai stood up quickly, advancing towards a stunned Damien and wrapping her arms around him in a long, warm hug that seemed to go on forever.


"I know. You have been the one constant good in my life, because you've always been there for me when I needed you," he finished, finally locking eyes with Kai, whose lips were slightly parted with shock, eyes bright and shiny like a tear might spill out at any moment.


Kai's eyes darted back and forth between Damien's lips and eyes, finally settling on eye contact. Damien's eyes were already readied towards hers, studying her face curiously. His eyes reflected a depth of emotion she had never noticed before, or was it that she simply hadn’t taken the time to see it? A flash of light reflected on something gold beyond Damien's cracked closet door, distracting Kai from the moment just long enough to break the intensity of Damien’s gaze.

Realizing that the gold object in question was Damien’s badge, still pinned onto his deep navy police uniform, Kai exclaimed, "Oh, my god! Is that your old uniform?!"


Damien followed her light of sight. He couldn’t help but smile at Kai's excitement. "It is," he responded proudly.


"You know - women love a man in a uniform," Kai declared.


"That's been my experience," Damien responded confidently, directly a slightly cocky grin in Kai’s direction.


"Would you try it on for me?" Kai insisted, trying not to sound overly excited at the thought of Damien in uniform.


"If you insist," he chuckled slightly. Upon noticing Kai, unmoving and perched on the side of his old bed, he continued, "If you'd like to wait in the hall?"

"Oh! Right!" she blushed, slightly embarrassed at herself for the racy thoughts of Damien undressing that had suddenly intruded on her mind.

________________________________
_______________________________________

A few moments later, Damien spoke up. "Kai, you can come in now."


Damn, Kai thought as she entered the room. People weren't lying when they talked about a man in uniform, but Damien looked especially good. He smiled confidently in her direction as she soaked in the visual. His dark navy, long sleeved shirt was complimented with a pin on each lapel. His badge that had first caught her eye shined brilliantly on his chest, as if it had just been polished. Her eyes trailed down the long black tie that led its way down to his....

"Oh!" Kai prosed, hoping that her ogling hadn't been too obvious. If it had been, Damien made no indication.


"What? Are you an exception to the uniform rule? I can change back," he joked, moving towards the pile of clothes that he had arrived in.

"No!" she blushed, realizing what she had just said. "I mean.. What I meant to say was….” she fumbled over her words, taking note of a flash of skin, giving her an out from his interrogation. “You missed a button!"

She took a few steps in his direction to stand directly in front of him, running the back of her hand down the center of his chest. Her touch was feather light as her hand reached for the aforementioned button.


Not meeting his eyes, she moved her hand to push the button through the hole on the opposite side. Her shaky hand slipped nervously, causing her finger to slide under the gap in his shirt, grazing his firm, sculpted chest. Kai tried to ignore the warm, electrical buzz she felt from touching him in this way. A slight gasp escaped his lips before he could stop himself. He studied her actions with renewed interest.


Refocusing her attention on the task at hand, Kai successfully threaded the button before she could embarrass herself any further. She stepped back to admire her handiwork.

"You look great. Let's go show your mom. I'm sure she would love to see you in your uniform again,” Kai quickly darted out of the room before Damien could respond to what had just occurred between then.
 _____________________
__________________________________________________

Three months later, Kai, Nadia, and Damien were gathered around Kai's living room, chit-chatting before their weekly movie night. 
 "So, my boss' nephew, Hayden," Kai paused, backtracking, "You met him at the banquet, Damien, remember?" Continuing before Damien could respond, Kai added, "Anyway, I guess Mr. Young gave him my phone number. He -“

“Hold up, he gave him your phone number? That is highly inappropriate. Would you like me to say something? I can - “ Kai held up her hand, cutting Damien off.

“Seriously, you don’t even like your boss. Why would he think you’d like his nephew? Blegh!” Nadia argued exaggeratedly, in agreement with Damien.

“I get it guys, I really do, but he texted me after the gala. It turns out he actually lives here in the city. We've gone out on a few dates. He really has been a pleasant surprise in the midst of all my work drama."

Sure, Hayden was a little boring. Nice, but predictable. He hadn't done or said anything that was particularly off-putting, but at the same time he hadn't done or said anything that was truly intriguing enough to flip her switch, either.


"We're going out for lunch tomorrow. I think maybe he wants to make things official," Kai beamed, looking at both of her best friends for input. Damien had been eerily silent most of the night, which made Kai a bit uneasy. Did he know something that she didn't about Hayden? It wasn't like him to be silent. Usually he had to add in his endearingly sarcastic two cents at every turn.


"Sounds great, Kai. Whatever makes you happy," Damien responded without emotion, keeping his expression as unwavering as possible.


"Um, okay. I was hoping for a little more input, but you're right. I think maybe he does make me happy."

“Whatever happened with that girl from the bar, Damien? You two seemed to be hitting it off,” Nadia inquired, moving on from Kai’s love life for the moment.

“I want someone who is loyal. Someone who knows the real me and knows what they want. She wasn’t it,” he answered honestly, locking eyes with Kai.

Nadia took the silence that followed as the perfect opportunity to start the group's movie choice for the evening.


Left to mull over her thoughts in silence, Kai's mind moved to Hayden. She supposed he was a perfectly acceptable choice for her and her dating life. Admittedly, she had been hesitant to accept his advances at first, but she didn't want to piss off her boss by turning Hayden down, especially since he had been the one to introduce them.


Hayden had been very sweet and gentlemanly, opening doors, pulling out chairs, the whole nine, but their conversations had remained very topical. They had kissed, but it had yet to go further than that. Their schedules were both very busy, and their previous dates had to be arranged between meetings by secretaries or by Hayden's assistant, Sloane, which had left little time for intimacy. Hayden had scheduled the day off tomorrow, and Kai thought that maybe this would be her opportunity to finally test if they had any real chemistry.


Kai gave Damien one final glance out of the corner of her eye, who was seemingly engrossed in the film, before forcing herself to shut down the racing thoughts in her mind to focus and enjoy movie night.
 _______________________________________________________________________ 
 The next day, Hayden and Kai sat across from one another at a new farm-to-table restaurant in the city, adjacent from the cafe that Kai and her friends often frequented.

"So, have you decided what you want, yet?" Hayden asked, interrupting Kai from re-reading the same line on her menu for the third time.


"Oh, um... the chicken I think. With microgreens?" Kai was having trouble focusing, her mind on Damien and his reaction during their previous discussion about Hayden.


"I'm sorry. Is this restaurant not good enough for you?" he accused sourly.

He had been checking his phone every few minutes since they had arrived at the restaurant, responding periodically to emails or text messages from his coworkers. Kai had thought that sharing a more significant amount of time with Hayden would lead to developing more of a spark, when in reality it was allowing her to examine behaviors of his that she hadn't previously noticed. Behaviors that she didn't like.

"Let's just go. I can escort you to somewhere else that I think you may like better," Hayden continued, before Kai was able to respond to his previous accusation. Hayden smiled a thin, tight smile at Kai, and his eyes flashed with an unrecognizable look before calming himself. Hayden stood from their booth, throwing a few bills on the table to cover their drinks and a tip. He held out his hand toward Kai, "Shall we?"


Not wanting to ruin their entire day, Kai stood to join him. Maybe Hayden had reconsidered trying that burger joint down the street that she had heard good things about. She really wasn't a "microgreens" type of gal, and a beer and a burger sounded like exactly what she needed to lighten up her mood and save the evening.


Walking out into the crisp evening air, Hayden grabbed Kai's hand, leading her down the street with renewed purpose. He turned down an unfamiliar street, quickening his pace and tightening his grip on Kai's arm.


"Hayden? I thought maybe we were going to try DuMont Burger. Where are we going?"


Hayden responded by spinning Kai around, cornering her between the brick wall of the alleyway that they’d cut through, and a trash can that was spilling over with filth.

"Kai, I've been patient with you, but things haven't progressed as I'd expected. You know what a busy man I am..." his words spilled out like venom as his hand moved towards Kai's leg, exposing more of her thigh as he slid up the hem of her dress.


Kai was frozen in shock. Things had taken a turn from boring to downright dangerous, and she took in her surroundings with increasing fear. Hayden's hand continued to slide upwards as he pressed himself against her roughly. She finally found her voice as her fight or flight response began to kick in.


"Get the fuck off of me. I don't want this! I don't want you!" she yelled at him, getting progressively louder with each word. She pushed at his chest trying to get him off of her, but he was firmly cemented in his stance. It felt like she may as well have been trying to push over a 100 year old oak tree with her bare hands.


Kai saw a flash in the corner of her eye, and before her mind could recognize what was happening, an arm shot out and punched Hayden in the side of the face with such ferocity that he was knocked out cold.


Kai's eyes darted around in the darkness, zeroing in on a brown leather jacket that she knew all too well.


"Damien?!" she yelped, before attaching herself to him as if drawn by a magnetic pull. "What are you doing here? Oh my god!" she panted, trying to steady her breath that she didn’t realize she’d been holding.

"Really, that's the first question you ask?" he scolded Kai, before realizing maybe it wasn't the time to scold her, taking her face gingerly between his hands. "Are you okay?" he urged.

She nodded, allowing him to relinquish his hold on her.


"I was working a case up the street. I thought I recognized you right before you turned the corner into this alley. I knew there could be no good reason for him to take you here, and then I saw..." he stopped himself. He didn't need to explain anything to her. She had lived it after all.


He reached a hand into his pocket, retrieving his cell phone and entering a phone number from memory. Kai could hear a voice on the other end answer, “Walker.”


“Walker, it's Damien. I'm at Bedford and 2nd, in the alley behind Oslo Coffee. Are you in the area?"


"I'm two blocks down. What can I do for you Damien?" the voice responded.
 "I've got a live one," Damien paused, "- unfortunately. I will wait here for you to come pick him up."


Damien ended the call before the voice could follow up with a response, resuming eye contact with Kai.

"You shouldn't have to wait here with me. An old cop buddy of mine from the local division in coming to take care of this piece of shit. I'm going to wait here just in case he wakes up. You should wait for me at the cafe. I'll come pick you up and take you home when it's all over, okay?" he eyed Kai cautiously, like she was a porcelain doll that had teetered too close to the edge of the shelf.


"Okay," Kai answered, blinking away her tears and resolving that she would be okay. Damien had saved her.

_______________________________________________________________________ 
 A deceptively long twenty minutes later, the chime above the cafe door tinged, alerting Kai of Damien's arrival.

"You okay?" he asked again as he approached Kai, not sure if he was asking to reassure himself or her. Kai nodded in response, slinking out of her booth to follow Damien out of the cafe. They walked to the car and rode in silence the entire way back to Kai's apartment. Damien followed her inside, and once he was entirely certain that she was safe and sound, he made his way towards the door to leave. "I'm glad you're home safe. Let me know if you need anything at all, okay?" he finished, his hand posed on the door knob.


"Wait," Kai yelped abruptly, speaking for the first time since they'd left the cafe, her voice creaky from the tears that she’d shed while she waited for Damien.
 He stopped dead in his tracks, turning to face her. "What's wrong, Kai? Tell me. Whatever you need, I'll do it," he said sincerely, moving a few paces in her direction.

"Would you stay with me tonight? I really don't want to be alone,” she admitted quietly.


"Of course, Kai. I can sleep on the couch,” he reassured her. _______________________________________________________________________

Kai tried her best to fall asleep. Her body felt exhausted, but she couldn't shut off her mind. She had tossed and turned for over an hour before she decided to give up and forage for sustenance in the kitchen.


All the lights in the apartment were off, but she could see someone sitting at one of the barstools behind the kitchen island. Her breath hitched momentarily as her heart leapt into her throat, before regaining her sanity as she realized it was just Damien. He sat in the dark with a half empty bottle of rum, sipping slowly out of a glass he had pillaged from the cabinet.

She studied his face for a few moments, his features aglow from the city lights shining in through the window. "Couldn't sleep?" he interrupted her studying.

Damn. He caught onto everything eventually. Kai moved out of the hallway and into the dimly lit kitchen, joining Damien in the seat beside him.


"Would you like a drink?" Damien continued. Kai nodded, spawning Damien to retrieve another tumbler out of the cabinet before pouring her a drink. "Kai..." he started again, seemingly having an internal debate with himself about what he wanted to say.


"Damien..." Kai intercepted. He held up his hand to gently stop her.


"I need to say this, Kai, while I still have the nerve,” he asserted, as he took another gulp of liquid courage. “When you starting seeing Hayden and you two seemed to hit it off, I was so angry with myself. I thought I'd never get the chance to tell you how I felt," he paused, before continuing his speech in an effort to answer the question in Kai's eyes.


"After what happened today," he faltered, "what almost happened, I knew I couldn't live with myself if something had happened to you without telling you the truth," he paused, finishing his drink quickly. "I care about you, Kai. More than I've ever cared about anyone. No matter how dark my life gets, you're always there, lighting it up again. You're everything to me, Kai. I really lo- iiiike you very much," his eyes bulged, stopping himself to pour another drink, breaking eye contact with Kai. He didn’t know how he would face her if things got too awkward - if she didn't feel the same way or worse, if his admission ruined their friendship.


Kai reached her hand up to cradle Damien's cheek, forcing him to look at her. Studying his face, as open and honest and handsome as she had ever seen it, she bit her lip nervously. She leaned in to kiss him, pouring over four years of emotion and pent up frustration into the kiss. Damien faltered only a moment, In a state of utter shock, before returning the sentiment and kissing her with all of the passion that he could muster. A small, husky groan escaped from the depths of his throat.


"I really liiiiiike you too, Damien," she smiled, the first real smile she'd exhibited all day. She stood to leave the kitchen, feeling a little braver after Damien's confession, adding, "I can't sleep. Will you come to bed with me?"


Damien, a gentleman at the core, started to protest. He wanted Kai with his entire being, but he didn't want her to feel like he was taking advantage of her during a time of weakness. Knowing Damien all too well, she read his face and followed up with, "Not for that. Just... I don't want to be alone anymore, okay?"

Damien followed Kai into the bedroom. He had been there before, but he was seeing it all in a new light, as if for the first time. Perfectly girly, clean, organized, and just so Kai. She slipped under the covers, patting the spot beside of her gently.


Damien pulled his shirt over his head, causing Kai's eyes to bulge slightly and her cheeks to flush. Before she could ogle him too much, he slipped under the covers beside her. She curled into him, resting her head on his chest. She fell asleep before she could count to ten sheep, her tired body finally surrendering in the safety of his arms.

_______________________________________________________________________ 
 Kai yawned, stretching her arms out to the sides of her bed with a jerk. Remembering that she'd had a bed companion the night before, she quickly yanked her hands back. Upon opening her eyes, she realized that the bed was empty aside from herself.

The evidence was still there, Damien’s shirt on the floor, and the imprint of where his head had been remained distinctly pressed into the pillow. She knew she wasn’t imagining things. 


Mid-quandary, she heard sounds coming from the kitchen and smiled. Guess Damien is an early riser, she thought. Early bird gets the criminal or something like that. She curled out of bed, clothed in only a shirt and a pair of boyshorts. She covered herself in an oversize hoodie that would provide her a little more decency now that she would be facing Damien in the broad of daylight.

“Morning,” Damien greeted her as she entered the kitchen. The room already smelled like freshly brewed coffee, and a stack of pancakes was quickly piling up on a plate in the center of the kitchen island. Damien topped off the stack as Kai seated herself on one of the bar stools to admire his handiwork endearingly.

"Damien, I didn't know you cooked," Kai quipped.

Damien busied himself with pouring a cup of black coffee, two creams, one sugar, before sitting it in front of Kai.

I suppose after over four years of knowing each other, he must have picked up how I like my coffee, she entertained with amusement.


"I cook sometimes," he smiled in her direction, "for the people I care about."


Kai's thoughts returned to everything that had occurred the previous night. Hayden's sudden transformation from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, Damien showing up out of nowhere, the way it felt to lay in his arms all night... If she was honest with herself, Damien had felt like more than just a friend for a while. He was her best friend, but he was also a good man, strong and handsome and stubborn. He was the type of man she could truly picture herself settling down with.

Damien and Kai ate their pancakes in a comfortable silence, while simultaneously deciding what their next moves should be. 


"I need to..." Damien started.


"I should tell you..." Kai interrupted, both incidentally attempting to speak at the same time.

"Go ahead," Kai smiled. She had resolved to tell him exactly how she felt, regardless of what he had to say. She had to at least give it a shot, after everything he had done for her throughout the years.


"Kai..." Damien started again, “being with you like this... it's the happiest I've been, in a long time. Holding you last night was..." he faltered, stumbling for words. "All I've been able to think about for a long time is how badly I wanted to feel you in my arms, and now I finally know," he admitted. "Just say the word and I'm yours, Kai,” he finished, finally looking up to make eye contact and gauge her reaction to his confession. 


Kai stood, meeting Damien on the other side of the counter, She looked him in the eyes, running her hand along the side of his scruff, pushing her back fingers further to run them through his shaggy hair. He closed his eyes, waiting for her to say something with trepidation.

She leaned in just enough for him to feel her breath on his lips, causing him to open his eyes quickly, parting his mouth to say something before her kiss swiftly quieted him. She kissed him, long and slow, returning all of his feelings with a gentle caress. She leaned back, smiling, waiting for him to say something. 


"Kai, if this is going to happen, I want to do it right. I've waited four years to be with you," he reached his hand up, stroking her cheek gently. 


"Damien, I've wanted you for a long time. I just wasn't sure if you felt the same," Kai responded in turn, leaning down to kiss him again, harder, letting him know how serious she was about her desires. "You've more than proven your patience over the years. I want you," she admitted, her eyes turning darker as her pupils enlarged with hunger. 


Damien responded by quickly wrapping his arms around her, picking her up and carrying her down the hall as she wrapped her legs around him for stability. He gently sat her down on the bed that they had shared mere hours ago. He slid his fingertips up the side of her body, gently pushing her sweatshirt up, inch by inch, revealing more of her skin to him.

He leaned over her, whispering in her ear with a deep and husky voice, "Kai, I want you more than I've ever wanted anything. I want to explore every part of your body, bringing you pleasures that you've never felt before...but I will stop now if you want me to. Just say the word," he finished, stilling himself against her as if frozen in time while he waited for her response.


Kai answered him by sliding her hand down the front of his body, gently brushing against his member that she could feel growing firmer by the moment. "I want you too, Damien. All of you."


Damien groaned in response, leaning up to peel Kai's hoodie over her head. The fabric clung to her shirt beneath, pulling them both off at the same time. He devoured her with his eyes, taking in the newly exposed skin. He kissed her lips once again, sucking her lower lip into his mouth, running his tongue along her flesh. His lips grazed across her jaw, leaving butterfly kisses in his wake. He moved to her neck, sucking her skin and then running his tongue over the same spot as if to seal everything in. He kissed along her collar bones, taking her bra strap in between his teeth and moving it out of place enough to begin sliding down her shoulder. He moved between her breasts, breathing her in and kissing along the soft skin of her stomach.

"Roll over," Damien instructed, pausing his onslaught to give Kai directions. Filled with lust, Kai studied him only for a moment before doing as she was told. Once in position, Damien continued his previous action with renewed momentum. He moved her hair to one side, kissing the smooth skin on her slender neck. He kissed down her back until he reached the clasp of her bra, making quick work of it and unfastening it with one hand. He couldn't resist slowly running his right hand up the back of her thigh, grabbing a handful of her cheek and kneading it slowly.


Damien's hand roamed to the front of Kai's body, pressing slightly to signal she turn back over onto her back. Damien's eyes scoured every inch of her, stilling his actions momentarily in awe.


"Fuck, Kai. You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen," he divulged with the utmost sincerity. 


Damien moved down the bed, getting on his knees to move between Kai's legs. He kissed her center through the outside of her clothes, feeling the heat and desire emanating from her core. He continued his onslaught of gentle kisses, roaming from thigh to thigh and rubbing his finger just along the outer edge of her underwear. Kai began to whimper in frustration, longing to feel his touch in her most intimate area. 


He could feel her growing wetter, and he finally surrendered to his own desires as he grasped the last barrier between them in his teeth, peeling her underwear down her legs. 


The first touch of his tongue to her center caused Kai's legs to jerk together. She threw her head back, thoroughly squeezing Damien into place so that he couldn't go anywhere, even if he had wanted to. He chuckled slightly at her actions before continuing, running his tongue along her slit from bottom to top. He lavished her body in long, slow licks, sliding his tongue inside her and tasting her completely as her desire grew. He drank her in like he was dying of thirst before moving up to lay a kiss on her most sensitive spot. He licked her there, softly, before taking her into his mouth, suckling her clit and making her cry out with desire. Her body tightened up like a spring about to pop, and he stopped himself abruptly before it could burst. 


"What the fuck, Damien?" Kai groined, causing Damien to snigger, offering her a cocky smile. He stood up quickly, a man on a mission, making quick work of his clothes and stripping until nothing remained that could block his body from Kai's.

Kai openly admired his physique, perfectly toned, tan, and muscular. He was the perfect picture of a man, there was no doubt about that. He was thick, and longer than average, and her mouth salivated as her excitement grew over what was about to occur between herself and the appendage that hung between Damien's legs.


He laid himself on top of her, making eye contact and pausing one last moment to make 100% certain that this was what they both wanted, before lowering himself slowly to enter her. He paused while she adjusted to his size, before pressing himself up against her until he was fully inserted. Her eyes glazed over, roaming his features until she found his lips, kissing him greedily as she felt herself being filled up with Damien's manhood. 


He began pumping into her, long slow strokes that quickly brought her back towards the edge of desire. Kai wrapped her long legs around Damien's body once again, making as much body to body contact as she could possibly obtain. 


"Ohhhhhh, Damien," she moaned, causing him to grunt and press firmly into her, quickening his pace as he pumped faster into her. His member was fully gripped by her, and finally having her in this way was bringing him near the brink himself. He pumped in and out of her rhythmically, and he could feel her wetness growing around himself, dripping onto his thighs and the bed beneath them.


Damien reached his hand between their bodies, wetting his hand before finding Kai's spot and rubbing it in circular motions as he continued pumping in and out of her. He felt her body begin to squeeze down on him as she began to scream.

"Oh, my God.... oh God... fuck...Damien!" Kai cried, finding her release as he pleasured her body thoroughly. Damien made love to her as her orgasm ebbed and flowed, following her into climax only moments later before laying his body beside of hers, fully spent.
 _______________________________________________________________________

A few weeks later, Kai, Damien, and Nadia were seated in their favorite booth at the cafe. Nadia had been busy with her latest gallery showing, and it had been a while since they were able to catch up with each other outside of text messages.


Nadia beamed, smiling from ear to ear in Damien and Kai's direction, who were seated snugly beside of each other on the opposite side of the booth. "You know that I love you both, but I'm so glad you two finally stopped being idiots. It was obvious to anyone who saw you together that you were-" Nadia paused to make goo-goo eyes and exaggerated kissy faces at them like she was a cartoon character.


"Thanks, Nadia," Damien responded sarcastically, though he couldn't stop the smile that spread on his face as he turned to look eyes with Kai, whose own face was starting to break out into a soft blush.

Kai took a bite of her pancakes, and Damien whispered in a voice that was below Nadia's register, "Do you remember what happened the last time you and I shared a plate of pancakes together?"

Kai's blush darkened as Damien squeezed her thigh gently under the table. She couldn't wait to share more than pancakes with him later in the evening, after their date. 
 ________
_______________________________________________________________

Damien and Kai returned to Damien's apartment after their evening of fun. They knew each other so well that all of the awkwardness that usually inhabited the early stages of dating had been bypassed, allowing them to fully enjoy each other's company and be completely themselves. Damien's gentle caresses and looks had been winding Kai up all evening, and she had given as good as she got, leaning her backside into him while they played pool and licking her lips seductively after taking drinks of her cocktail. They were both ready to take things up a notch from sweet to sultry.

Kai sat on Damien's lap, who had seated himself down on the couch to take his shoes off. She wrapped a thigh around each side of his body, leaning in close to him to run her hand up the center of his chest.

“Should I wear your shirt to bed tonight, Damien, or would you prefer I sleep naked?" she teased.

"You know, you've been teasing me all night, Kai, but just say the word and I will fuck you until you're too tired to do any more teasing,” Damien retorted confidently, connecting his lips with Kai's as he gripped the nape of her hairline, pulling her closer into him.


Kai answered him by grinding herself into him, feeling him grow through his jeans in response to her body. Damien growled, quickly stripping off the articles of Kai's clothing that he could reach while they remained seated. Kai returned the favor, stripping off Damien's shirt and running her hands along his chest and biceps. 


"I don't think you're nearly naked enough, baby," Damien groaned, as they both stood to continue undressing each other. Once the last piece of clothing has been removed, Damien pressed Kai up against the wall, sucking on her neck and running his rough hands along her breasts, pressing against the side of her hip with his manhood.

Kai pressed her hands against Damien roughly, pushing him back and switching their positions against the wall, dropping to her knees in front of him.

"Kai..." Damien started, as she reached a hand up to stroke him.

"I really want to do this for you, sir" Kai whispered, causing Damien to visually shiver and throb in front of her. She didn't think his member could get any harder, standing firmly at attention for her. Kai glanced up at him, his eyes dark and ravenous with desire, before gently closing her eyes to move forward and take him into her mouth, causing a guttural groan to escape his lips.


She took him deeply into her throat, moving her hand up to stroke any areas that she couldn't reach. She tasted him, dragging her tongue down his length of him before licking around the end in circles. She opened her mouth to take him deeply again, nearly swallowing all of his length. She moaned around him, sending vibrations down his member. 


His hands found her hair, tugging it into two piles on either side of her head, gently holding on like a pair of handlebars and she bobbed up and down. Finally, she removed herself, more than ready and wanting to feel him inside of her. She turned to walk away, looking at him over her shoulder seductively as she made her way to the bedroom. He quickly followed behind her as they tumbled into bed together.


She fell on top of him, adjusting herself to sit atop his chest. She moved, intending to straddle his manhood, but he grabbed her ass with both hands and pushed her forward until her thighs straddled either side of his face.

He quickly went to work, darting his tongue inside of her and lavishing her body as she had just done to him. He wrapped his lips around her sensitive bundle of nerves, sucking on her and quickly bringing her to the brink of orgasm. She moaned for Damien and encouraged him in barely coherent bursts, moaning louder and louder as she drifted closer to the edge. She reached down to pull him into her by his hair, making him groan. He lavished her body hungrily, not stopping until the dam burst as his soft, warm tongue licked up everything she gave him.


Once Kai had had a moment to catch her breath, Damien's smooth voice commanded, "Get on your knees for me." Kai was more than ready to finally have him inside her, and she willingly moved her body into position.

Damien moved behind her, leaning over her body to barely touch her opening with his manhood. He slid himself up and down her opening, her wetness rubbing onto him, shining on his member. He leaned down further over her body, entering her slightly, grinding his hips back and forth to tease her with shallow thrusts. "Tell me what you want Kai," he whispered seductively. 


"I want you, Damien. Fuck me! Please fuck me.... I want to feel you inside me," she barely finished her sweet command as he slid himself completely inside of her with one long, hard thrust.

She gasped, filled up entirely with him, mentally teleporting her to a state of complete bliss. He moved one hand up her body, pulling her back into him as he massaged her breasts, teasing her nipples and rolling them between his fingers. His other hand moved down the front of her body, finding her clit and massaging it as he quickened his strokes, withdrawing completely out of her with each pump before slamming back into her, reaching the deepest depths of her core and stretching her body to fit around himself.

"Ooooohhh, Damien...." Kai moaned, completely under his spell, as he brought her closer and closer to complete nirvana.

"You like that, Kai?" he groaned animalistically.

"Oooohhhh, Damien.... Yes! Yes... fuck me!" Kai moaned, her commands coming out like a junkie who couldn't get enough. 


His hand that wasn't busily pleasuring her center moved up to her shoulder for more stability, pushing her down and angling her body so that her ass was in the air. He darted his hips to fuck her harder, groaning with each thrust as he watched himself plow into her body.

Finally, the combined sensations from Damien massaging her clit and completing owning her body brought her over the brink. He removed himself from her, laying beside her on the bed as she recovered. 


Kai's cheeks were beautifully flushed, her hair a mess of tendrils around her face. She scanned his body as he laid back on the bed watching her, noticing that he was still rock hard. Smiling devilishly, she set out to finish what she had started, leaning up to sit on his lap and slowly dropping down onto his member.


Her eyes closed blissfully, and she leaned her head back, her long hair dangling down her back, barely grazing the skin on his thighs. Together, with their bodies entwined as one, was perfection. She moved her hips forward and back, working in circles to buck on him like a rodeo bull. She fixed her eyes to look at him, and he stared back at her hungrily. She leaned down over his chest, placing her hands on either side of him as he reached around to grab her hips, lifting her up and thrusting his hips to pump into her warmth.

Kai grabbed his wrists, pinning them overhead to regain control. They both knew that he could regain dominance if he wanted to, but watching Kai take power over her pleasure - watching as she rode him, writhing in his lap - well it could all end right there and he would die a happy man.

She ground herself down on him, holding him in place as she slid up and down his pole. She moved her thighs to slam up and down on him, grinding in such a way that her bundle of nerves was also getting stimulated with each thrust.


 Kai could feel Damien throbbing inside of her, about to burst. She pressed herself firmly against him one last time, striking the match of her own orgasm as her muscles clenched, squeezing down on Damien's hard knob, bringing him over the edge right along with her. He pumped a few short final bursts into her before releasing inside of her, both finally satiated. _______________________________
________________________________________

After fully exhausting themselves, Damien and Kai curled up together in Damien's bed for a nightcap.

Thinking back over their night together, Damien admitted, "Kai, you make me want to give you the world. I'm so glad we found each other," he finished, sighing contentedly. 


"Me too," Kai agreed. "You are my world, Damien," she smiled shyly, peaking up at him underneath long eyelashes from her spot on his chest. 


Studying her face, he leaned down to kiss her forehead.

"I love you, Kai," he stated calmly, not expecting a response, but just wanting to get it out after so many years of it going unsaid.

Kai leaned up to sweetly kiss Damien on the lips, smiling as her eyes met his.

"I love you too," she admitted, before curling back into her spot on his chest - a place she never wanted to leave again.

[lalka-laski]

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? There are so many reasons why that’s an absolute NOPE. 

2. You talked to an ex today, correct? Hell nah 

3. Have you taken someone’s virginity? Supposedly 

4. Is trust a big issue for you? If anything I am TOO trusting. So it’s an issue for me, just not in the conventional sense. 

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? We live together & spend almost every waking/non-working moment together. And surprisingly never get sick of each other! 

6. What are you excited for? Mexican & margs tonight with my ladies! Also, I’m getting my latest Starbucks addiction when I get out of work: iced oat milk brown sugar shaken espresso. SO GOOD!

7. What happened tonight? Tonight hasn’t happened yet. But see above for my plans^ 

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? I’d be the biggest hypocrite of all hypocrites if I thought that...HA 

9. Is confidence cute? Absolutely. But sometimes I find it off-putting just because I’m salty & jealous that *I* can’t feel that way about myself. 

10. What is the last beverage you had? Ginger & turmeric tea

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? 2-3ish 

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? It’s what I’m wearing right now 

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? That’s tonight 

14. What are you going to spend money on next? Food & drinks tonight  15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? Sure am 

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? Yeah

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? Glenn, my sisters, my best friends 

18. The last time you felt broken? I had a really bad depressive episode a month or so ago. It was awful. 

19. Have you had sex today? Nope 

20. Are you starting to realize anything? Uhh...  21. Are you in a good mood? Yeah, all things considered. I don’t have much to complain about! 

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? No thank you 

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? Yes, although his are more blue and mine are more green.

24. What do you want right this second? My Starbucks drink! And maybe a breakfast sammy while I’m at it. 

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? Oh I would LOSE MY ENTIRE MIND. Good thing that’ll never happen. 

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Nah, I dye it significantly lighter. 

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Nah

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? A Tiktok that Nat just sent me 

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? Yes

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Most of the time, yes. 

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? Considering I live with him & am engaged to him, I’d hope not! 

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? Ha see above 

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? Nah, I wish though. I love sugary drinks. 

34. Listening to? Just my desk fan 

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? Never 

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? He’s home

37. Do you believe in love at first sight? Not really

38. Who did you last call? Kathleen 

39. Who was the last person you danced with? Glenn 

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? 'Cause I was leaving for the morning & saying goodbye

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? It’s been a minute. I’m not much of a cupcake person. 

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? No, I won’t see them 

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? I embarrass myself in front of EVERYONE 

44. Do you tan in the nude? I don’t tan, period. 

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? No way 

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? No, I went in the bedroom hours earlier than Glenn & just passed out cold. 

47. Who was the last person to call you? Grubhub, lol 

48. Do you sing in the shower? Mhm 

49. Do you dance in the car? Totally 

50. Ever used a bow and arrow? Yes actually 

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? It’s been awhile. But HOPEFULLY we will take our engagement pics soon. 

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? They can be, but it’s part of the fun.

53. Is Christmas stressful? It is but it’s an acceptable kind of stress. For me, anyways. 

54. Ever eat a pierogi? BITCH DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM 

55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Cherry or dutch apple 

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Author & illustrator 

57. Do you believe in ghosts? Mhm 

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Frequently 

59. Take a vitamin daily? Yep 

60. Wear slippers? Sometimes, but most of the time I prefer to just be barefoot

61. Wear a bath robe? Sometimes. I have a few really cute ones that I should wear more. 

62. What do you wear to bed? Usually just an oversized tee shirt or night-gown. No pants

63. First concert? Teddy Geiger

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? I guess I’d choose Target but I’m not gonna lie. I love walking around a Walmart. Everyone makes fun of me but I don’t care! Plus, you can get some really great deals.

65. Nike or Adidas? No preference

66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Cheetos ALL DAY 

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Neither

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? I really like the song Paper Rings from Lover. 69. Ever take dance lessons? Nope

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? He’s an acupuncturist 

71. Can you curl your tongue? Yep 

72. Ever won a spelling bee? I’ve never been in one. I feel like I should’ve been though? So that’s kinda bogus! 

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Oh OFTEN! 

74. What is your favorite book? I couldn’t possibly just choose one.

75. Do you study better with or without music? Without. Or maybe occasionally something instrumental but even that can distract me

76. Regularly burn incense? Nah, I hate the scent & all incense smells the same to me. 

77. Ever been in love? Yep, currently

78. Who would you like to see in concert? The Killers (again)

79. What was the last concert you saw? Mat Kearney 

80. Hot tea or cold tea? Hot

81. Tea or coffee? Both! 

82. Favorite type of cookie? Chocolate chip or oatmeal! (NO raisins, though) 

83. Can you swim well? Decently. I kinda wanna take lessons to learn some actual strokes though 

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yep 

85. Are you patient? Quite the opposite  86. DJ or band, at a wedding? We are leaning towards a DJ just for cost’s sake but I’d LOVE a live band. I’d actually love to have Janine’s band play my reception but she will have too many bridesmaid duties that day- dang it! 

87. Ever won a contest? Mhm 

88. Ever have plastic surgery? No but I have a list of work I’d like done if I could ever afford it

89. Which are better black or green olives? I don’t like either 

90. Opinions on sex before marriage? Do you boo! 

91. Best room for a fireplace? The living room.

92. Do you want to get married? We intend to :)

[achillieus]

let you down. (sebastian stan x reader)

summary: it's a universal truth but it's worth repeating; feelings eat us raw. or just an actor and a girl falling in and out of love over the course of three months.

(this was inspired by sebastian's visit to greece for his movie, monday, and is based on that, so that means in the story we’re in 2018. also i have this posted on ao3 too but while i’m writing the last parts i thought of posting it here too)

pairing: sebastian stan x reader

warnings: alcohol, heavy sexual references, implied depression, infidelity, this one is very angsty, it's kinda slowburn because i love the yearning, this part is not my favorite but it also is

part: 4/6

(other parts)  (masterlist)

When you both go to sleep that night,

What you say to yourselves:

It is just a kiss.

The truth:

Sebastian can’t forget your scent and your taste. And it’s everywhere. And it’s everything. He’s not sure if he can breathe anymore. He tries to put himself together but he loses; he lets a moan escape his quivering lips, as he comes hard, alone in bed, your lips a picture in his head.

You can’t forget his warmth. He’s long gone but his heat is making your body sweat. And it’s becoming annoyingly addictive. You try to fall into a dreamless sleep but you can’t. You grab onto your sheets, trying to shallow down his name when you have two fingers inside you.

It’s a study in remorse and guilt.

/

“Please breath,” you whisper in front of the bathroom mirror. “Breath in. And out.”

It’s been two days and one night since the doomed night. You have not heard of him ever since.

Your heart beats with the power of war tambours. You want to find him and tell him you’re sorry. You want to promise you don’t mean to cause any trouble to him. You want to let him know you don’t belong in his life. He will pass through you like cars pass red lights.

Violently.

“I’ll find him tomorrow.” You lie down and rest. “I’ll tell him everything tomorrow.”

/

Argyris can see the disorder reflecting in Sebastian’s eyes the second they pass in front of your door.

The Romanian drops his eyes on the floor and quickens his pace. Argyris is smart enough to not comment on it; at least not when they have an all night shooting in a while. He doesn’t want to distress him.

He doesn’t have a choice though; because Sebastian stops as soon as they reach the third floor.

“I’ve made such a mess.”  His voice can’t give away how nauseous he feels.

Argyris exhales loudly. This is precisely what he was afraid of. This is precisely what he had warn you both about.

“It’s not the right time” he starts quietly “We have a lot to do.”

Sebastian sighs.

He feels as though there will never be a right time for the two of you.

/

You can’t sleep. The sky is dark behind your closed windows. It’s almost four in the morning and everything around you is quiet; until it’s not anymore.

You can hear people laughing as they enter the building and you can hear the lady from the first floor yelling at them.

Suddenly you’re thankful for the terrible insulation as the whole place grows alive at the sound of noise. You’ve grown tired of silence.

You slowly open your door. You want to hear more.

Argyris is trying to apologize when the old woman starts calling them uncivil. You want to laugh.

But then you hear steps coming closer and, in a breath, he’s standing right in front of you.

“Did we wake you up?”

The others are still arguing in the lobby.

No, I couldn’t sleep, too busy thinking of your lips.

“Yes. All the noise scared me.”

He comes closer. He tries to clear his head of images he creates at night. Images with you.

“I’m sorry.” He says and it sounds like his chest feels lighter afterwards “I’m sorry for the noise.”

You nod, a blank expression across your face.

“We went for a few drinks after the shooting and people got drunk and dragged themselves hear to continue the party. It’s not Argyris’ fault.”

You turn your head away from him. You don’t dare to look at him for a long time.

“I can bet that.” Your words feel heavy inside your mouth. “He has never caused any trouble before you came.” Your words feel bitter inside your mouth.

He laughs. He calls your name. It makes your throat dry.

“You can see that I’m not the one who’s drunk and arguing downstairs.”

The space between you two starts to dwindle.

“You should go.” You whisper. “There is no reason for you to be here.”

He says nothing for a while. He just stays there looking at you with an unreadable expression. His breathing hits your face. It feels cold.

“Right.” He answers, building his guard back up, posture fixed and face blank.

And then with one last glance he leaves you alone.

/

You wake up not much later, the sun meeting the horizon.

You clean the kitchen and you water your flowers. You decide to take a walk. You haven’t done that in a very long time.

Not a lot of people are awake at that time. The streets are almost empty. You find that comforting. You pass the familiar streets and there’s a heady feeling in the air; the mouthwatering smell of fresh bread in the small bakery, the sound of a dog barking and an old man carrying around a barrel organ.

Lately you seem to forget how much beauty there’s around. Lately you seem think true beauty is only a pair of light eyes and the sound of a foreign accent. You feel selfish; your ardor for him has blinded you and everything seems too little.

You feel stupid.

/

And then you blink and it’s Sunday and you remember Argyris telling you they’re leaving on Monday to shoot scenes in some islands. You can’t decide if you want them to leave sooner or never at all.

The latter makes you forget to breath.

You take a shower. But water never washes tears completely away. They stick to your body and your pores like leeches.

The white towel feels rugged against your skin and you think of throwing it in the trash can. You don’t.

Instead, you get dressed and make a sandwich for dinner.

A knock at your door stops you.

You’ve missed that sound.

You close your eyes.

You feel as if you’re being thrown back in time, to the first time he came at your doorstep.

There’s another knock.

Maybe it’s not him. You take a step. Even if it’s him, it’s a dead end. You place your fingers around the handle, without making any motion to unlock.

You stand there for some seconds. There’s no more knocking. You smile at yourself. You were always good at hiding behind closed doors. Maybe not good enough; because now you can hear him talk.

“I’m glad you’re not here” his voice makes it sound like he’s aching “Or that you’re here and don’t want to open up.”

Your hand swifts around the knob.

“I’m glad, because if I was looking at you right now I would-”

He stops when he meets your gaze. You’re close now. And it’s hard not to wrap your arms around him, but you force yourself to just look straight ahead and do nothing.

“You would what?” You voice sounds like a mourning song.

You watch as he runs his fingers through his hair and lets a quite sigh.

“I don’t know.”

“You’re lying.”

He laughs and it’s dry and sharp. And then he grabs you by the shoulder and you’re both inside your apartment and he closes the door with a shudder.

His eyes are swollen and for a moment you’re scared. Only for a moment.

“Yes I am.” He still has his arm around your shoulder. “What do you want me to say? That I would do everything? That I would kiss even your eyelids?”

You’re shivering. You feel almost sick.

“I can’t say any of those things.” He swallows hard around the lump in his throat.

You look at him starry-eyed. 

“You can.” You’re stepping closer to him. “You can say everything. There’s no one here. Just us.”

“That’s not enough.”  He says, with a look that promises all the sorrow and the suffering in the universe.

Your face splits.

“Then why did you come?”

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

“We’re leaving tomorrow.”

I know, you almost say. But he talks again, before you can say anything.

“I want you to come with us.”

You feel like choking on the world’s most expensive rosé. You start coughing.

He caresses your forehead, tucking some hair behind your ears.

“No, Sebastian, this is bad.”

His fingers can feel a tear dripping down your eyes and your cheeks and your lips. Slowly. He’s not certain if it’s yours or his.

“I know.” He blinks. “But we don’t have much time. And I want to be around you. We can try to be friends again.”

There's a feeling in your stomach that makes you want to throw up when he says the word friends. It makes your mouth taste sour. It's pathetic.

“I don’t know if I can do that.” You murmur.

And then his eyes pierce through yours.

And you think of that evening that you saw his eyes for the very first time. And you think how this version of events had never crossed your mind back then. Ever.

This was not supposed to happen.

You were not supposed to grow close to him.

And he was not supposed to show you the stars and dry out your salty tears.

And you were not supposed to kiss him.

And now he was not supposed to go.

“Please, promise me you’ll try to be friends with me.” He breaths into your lungs. “Promise me you’ll come.”

You smile softly. It reminds him of something sweet, like honey and cherries.

“I can try.”

Sebastian can feel his heart almost stop; like a clock that’s reminding him you do not have much time left together. This month will come and go and so will he.

And his heart knows.

So, he presses his forehead against yours and mumbles a sincere thank you.

It sounds poetic. But it’s more of a war declaration.

/

When you agreed to go with him on the trip, Sebastian fell into a world of bliss and anticipation. He had been worried you wouldn’t want to see him again after everything that occurred between you two. He had spent nights sleepless, just lying awake and trying to fathom things.

But not tonight. Tonight, he’s packing his bags and dreaming of the sea and you.

The sea. And you. Those are the things he loves most right now.

Love. It’s funny because sometimes Sebastian thinks he could have fallen in love with you, if only time allowed. But he has less than two months. He has calculated everything.

( 60 days )

( 59 nights )

He’ll probably never see you again afterwards.

He knows you were never meant to be.

He sighs.

The screen of his phone lights up and he’s certain it’s his girlfriend, because it’s 3am in Greece. Who else could it be? And that gives him an ache because he loves his girlfriend. But not right now.

He’s wrong though, it’s a message from you.

I’m sorry. I can’t come with you tomorrow. I’m sorry.

His heart falls.

It’s funny because sometimes Sebastian thinks he could have fallen in love with you, if only you allowed. Sometimes he thinks it’s better this way.

/

You read your message again and again. Your eyes scan each world like your whole life depends on them. You can’t go to the trip. It’d be like you set yourself up only to fall apart some time later. And you’d have no excuse. You don’t even know why you had said yes to him in the first place.

Perhaps because that’s what Sebastian wanted to hear and you love Sebastian. It’s very painful and all kinds of fucked up, but you do.

At first you try to close your eyes to it. You think, whatever it is between you, it’s not love. It must be something else.

But it’s not.

You always knew that.

Your heart splits at the realization.

/

Everyone is drinking and dancing. They finished shooting last night and Argyris decided to throw a small beach party. Once upon a time, Sebastian would have been thrilled about it. He always loved partying.

But those were the old days. All he can think about now, is a girl with braided hair and nails painted dark blue. That’s how you looked the last time he saw you.

It’s been a week since that time. It’s been a week and he’s getting desperate. And his curly haired co-star is moving her body too close for his liking. He’s trying to flee.

The woman smiles at him. He knows she probably asks for more than he can give. She smiles at him and she looks beautiful, so beautiful. He almost thinks it’s unfair and selfish of him to ignore such a beautiful smile.

But the woman’s hair is curly and not in a braid. And her nails are painted red instead of dark blue.

/

You don’t see him for one more week. You want to send him a message. Call him. Do something. You do nothing but check his Instagram profile almost every hour. It’s sort of becomes a habit.

At your room the walls whisper and scream about that night you fell asleep next to each other. You try not to listen.

Some nights you can picture him smiling at you and his smile feels far too heavy. Some nights you try to imagine a version of him that could grow old with you.

You can’t.

/

It’s 8:10 am. The first time you meet again. You call the elevator on your floor and when the door opens, he’s there. You didn’t even know he was back, before now. You almost get out and take the stairs instead. You hide yourself at the corner as far from him as possible. Sebastian notices for the first time how small you look.

“When did you come back?” Your mouth opens before you can stop it.

He turns to look at you. You can see he has a little tan. It looks great on him. Dammit.

“Last night.”

Your hands are shaking. You’ve missed his voice. Dammit.

Two more floors. You can make it.

You wait for him to turn his back at you again, but he doesn’t.

“Not coming with me,” his breathing breaks and his throat dries out instantly and he feels on the verge of collapsing “It didn’t help.”

It takes you a while to get what he’s saying. Why he’s saying it.

The elevator stops.

“Did it help you?” No, of course not.  

“Sebastian, please.”

You try to say something more but his voice stops you.

“Do you know any quiet places?”

You nod.

“Take me.” You shiver. “Please.”

The door opens and he grabs your hand.

You think you’ll never really understand Sebastian. He’s been so many people with you. A pretty face on screen, a stranger and then a friend. And then a lover? Maybe.

Something intimate, anyway.

Intimate, in the way pain is.

/

You’re at a small park just behind your house.

His hair has grown the last few days and he’s playing with a strand. You watch him and he watches back. He puts one hand in the pocket of his jeans and another at your cheek.

You had almost forgotten how it feels. Soft and rugged simultaneously. Almost like a transfusion, it revives you.

“We’ve screwed up, haven’t we?” His voice sounds like an old song.

You think you can hear your bones straining under the weight of his words.

“Yes, I guess we have.” You try to smile at him. Your lips don’t move upwards though. They can’t. You can feel your eyes get wet.

Sebastian can’t bear looking at you like that. He puts his hand behind your neck and brings you closer.

At that moment, by falling into his arms, you lost the battle.

Your body is cold, worn down by all the sleepless nights. You’re not sure he knows exactly what you feel at this moment. Neither do you.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come to the trip.”

“I understand.” He nods.

“Sebastian,” His breath hitches when you call his name. “I don’t know if I want to see you again.”

Lies.

He blinks. You don’t.

His face looks like he’s about to growl. Then his features relax.

A tear falls down your cheek and he’s quick to swipe it away. His eyes soften.

“I know,” he says in a whisper “We just keep hurting each other.”

You laugh bitterly. “When did I hurt you, Sebastian?” You push his hands away from your body. He doesn’t fight it.

He lets out a shaky breath.

“We spent the night together and you left without even saying something.” Your eyes are wide and rabid. “You keep acting like we’re something special and you have a girlfriend back home. And when I kissed you,” you pause for a second, remembering everything. “You kissed me back.”

You’re talking a little too loud. An old man passing by, turns to look your way. Your cheeks flash red.

“I wanted you to kiss me.” Your heart clenches. “I’m so sorry. I needed you to kiss me.”

He takes your hands in his. He looks at you half like he wants to apologize, half like he wants to kiss you again. Maybe, he does.

“Every time I see you, I want you to kiss me.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s the truth.” Surprisingly his voice is steady and his hands grab yours tighter than before.

“It can’t be the truth.” You exhale roughly. “It will ruin everything.”

He looks at you for a while and then he does the most human thing possible; he wraps his arms around you. You hide your face at the crook of his neck.

Your breath hits his skin and it’s warm and tender.

“Not us.” He whispers in your hair. “It will save us.”

At that moment, Sebastian lost every battle.

/

Things you felt when Sebastian kissed you later that evening:

Divinity and tragedy. The feeling of going over the speed limit. The despair in his mouth. The booming in his heart. Fear for the distant future. His arms creating a shelter from the rest of the world. Affection. And affection. And affection.

Thing Sebastian felt when he kissed you later that evening:

Your heartache in his hands. The faded cherry lip balm in your lips. Your nails digging into his skin. A raw satisfaction. Madness and power. Your warmth making his heart beat fast. Freedom. And love, so much love.

/

It was never his intention to cheat on his girlfriend. Sebastian is not that kind of man. But then again, everyone is.

You try not to think about that while his mouth devours the skin above your collarbones. It makes your pores sweat and your core beat. Time spins by as you both lay on your bed.

It feels like he’s a sweet lover. Dewy eyes and warm fingertips. He makes love to you at sunset, when dreams start to form and cotton sheets stick to his skin. Yearning gets the best of him, his movements become sharper, his bones turn to steel.

You don’t mind. That’s what you need right now. Burning lips at the curve of your hips. You can almost taste it; the silage of his after shave. Eucalyptus. That’s what he tastes like.

/

He’s drawing archways in your skin. He touches the part between your breasts. Softly and gently at first. And then digging his teeth. He wonders if you want this as much as he does. It’s nearly tearing him apart. His ribs and his lungs are full of eagerness and you.

You, you, you.

To him, there’s nothing to do but kiss every inch of your body.

He knows there’ll be a cacophony soon. You’re both equipped with love that has an expiration date. But he wants to beat time. He wants to feel all of this for as long possible. For a minute, he becomes greedy. He wishes everyone would die, so that he and you could live in this world alone. But together.

It takes great strength to shake this thought out of his head.

“Please,” You say between heavy breaths and he's getting worried he's going to tell you he loves you. “Please I need you Seb.”

You've never called him that before. He can't decide if he likes that or the fact that you need him, more. He complies.

You feel him inside you as he's stroking between your thighs. You close your eyes, his heated sounds soothing everything. Your lips are red, from you biting at them.

He looks at you, with his hungry face and he finds everything about you so delicate and so beautiful.

He can keep going forever.

You're grateful.

/

Lying naked in your bed, you’re watching him struggle to keep his fevered blue eyes open. His hands still tangled in your hair.

The room smells of sweat and eucalyptus and everything in the universe feels softer.

“I think I love you.” He says, and as he falls asleep, he smiles. “I’ll tell you when I’m sure.”

“Please don’t.” That’s the most selfless you’ll ever be in your life.

/

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[ao3-writer]

The Shell of a Man (2/2)

[THIS ONE’S FROM TYLER’S PERSPECTIVE. IT’S GREAT.]

 The phone’s ringing woke Tyler, the vibrating and clattering off the kitchen table was what got him to get up. Tyler sighed. This was the first time he had managed to drown the pain out and get some shut-eye.

 His hand slapped against cold tile before eventually finding his phone within the dark. No sign of damage, except maybe the man behind the call. Tyler answered without hesitation.

  “H-hello?”

  “Where the hell are you? You said you’d be here,” a voice sharply spoke. Tyler looked up at the calendar hanging in his kitchen and found that the days had slipped by. It was already Amy’s birthday, smack in the middle of May. 

  “Shit,” Tyler whispered.

  “You’re a fucking asshole. Don’t even bother anymore.” The phone call ended sharply, Tyler left in a stupor as he let his arm fall with the phone as his paperweight.

 Tyler cursed to himself as his head began to throb even more than before. He tried not to let the demons in, the voices that threatened to do harm, but he was losing his strength with each passing moment. Beating like a heart, Tyler’s head thrummed violently and he felt himself sway a little as he stood up and went to the medicine cabinet in his bathroom. Turning on the blinding white lights slammed his head even further.

 He reached into the swinging door and grabbed the family size bottle of ibuprofen's and swigged down two. He managed to control his intake, but he wanted more to drown out the throbbing. Tyler turned off the lights as soon as he got what he came for. His vision as if drunk, his body feeling like lead, his ears following the thrum inside his temples. All he could feel was the soft paper lining the walls of his apartment and the rugged carpet with dried with alcohol, tears, and vomit. Tyler made it two feet into his living room before he collapsed.

  “P-please go away,” Tyler whispered, the ground shifting from one angle to another as he lay still. “It hurts. It hurts!” He shouted, curling into himself and holding his head between his hands. The man clawed at his forehead, blunt nails scraping against the reddened skin as he tried to physically pull out the pain. Tyler felt his fingers become slick and he removed them to see.

 Finger tips coated in blood, nails sickening and chewed off. Tyler felt his eyes droop and relief filled his heart. He could sleep this one off. He just needed to will himself to sleep. Just... Sleep...

The morning after was quiet. There was no throbbing. There were no pains. He felt clear. Tyler opened his eyes to find the ground was flat as he lay on it. He looked at his hands, dried blood remained. He slowly stood up, carefully turning his head around so that it wasn’t just a dream and the darkness would consume him again. Then Tyler was set off by the realization that the blinds were wide open and the light that poured him no longer bothered him. His back ached, muscles tense and his legs were sore. Tyler finally stood upright and stared at his living room. God it was a mess.

 Then he noticed the man that quietly stepped in, stopping in his tracks.

  “T-tyler?” Ethan froze and dropped the towels in his hands. Tyler stared at Ethan in confusement before the smaller man sprinted down the hall.

  “Ethan, wait!” His voice hoarse as he stumbled, almost forgetting how to use his legs. Ethan slammed close the bathroom door.

  “P-please don’t. Please! I’ll leave. I’ll leave as soon as possible!” Ethan exclaimed through the door, stepping further inside as he feared the other man would break through the door.

  “E-Ethan what’s going on. Why are you in my house?”

  “I--”

 Tyler jiggled the door handle. He needed to get Ethan out of that bathroom before he found the hellish things Tyler put himself through.

  “Ethan?” He pounded on the door lightly and hear the key unlock. Tyler slowly opened the door and found Ethan staring up at Tyler with near tears in his eyes.

  “What’s happened to you?” Tyler stared back at Ethan for as long as he could before he cast his head down. 

  “I... I can’t explain it--”

  “Razor blades?! There’s blood all over this floor and on the curtains a-and you’ve got tons of empty bottles of pills littering here. This is just your bathroom! Tyler, there are six-- SIX BOXES full of empty alcohol bottles. Your place smells like crap and so do you. You missed Amy’s birthday even after you promise Mark you’d show up. What’s the matter with you?”

 Tyler was quiet as he stared at his bare feet, almost covered in dried blood. Tyler sighed.

  “I was... hurting. I was more than hurting, I was in so much pain and... and I couldn’t tell anybody. Because I felt like... Like there was a part of me that wanted to consume me. And... and I let him!”

 Ethan stared at Tyler like he was crazy, but the more he spoke, the further the fear crept into his voice and the tears slipped into his eyes, Ethan understood that Tyler was being honest. And that he was scared as hell that these... Dark Thoughts would come back.

  “I’m just so scared!” Tyler sobbed, feeling the salty tears reach the corners of his mouth and the wet stains trail down his scarred cheek. “And I don’t know what to do, Ethan, I don’t know what to do if they come back!”

 Ethan hushed the taller man as he crumpled, falling to his knees and holding on as tight as he could to Ethan’s waist so that he could anchor himself. Ethan slid a hand over his messy hair, greasy as it was. Ethan settled on wiping his tears and crouching so that they could be face-to-face.

  “Tyler... you should’ve told someone. Not just us, but a therapist or something. Yo-you could have died and we wouldn’t have known. Your family wouldn’t have known. You life isn’t your own, Tyler. If you go down, so do we,” Ethan whispered, feeling a tear slip past. 

  “E-ethan... i’m so sorry,” he whispered, voice shaking violently along with his body as he sobbed through his words. “I-i’m sorry f-f-for being such an a-asshole. An-an-and for being so distant a-and I just-- I just-- I just cant apologize f-for all the bad things that I-i-i’ve done.”

  “Don’t apologize. Please don’t. You just need to forgive yourself. Yeah. Forgive yourself first and we’ll forgive you too.” Ethan looked like he was trying so hard to remain strong, but Tyler could see Ethan was in pain. Tyler was in pain. A series of knocks at the door were merely background, but when the door opened and Mark stormed in, it became even more real.

  “Ethan what’s taking so long--!” Mark was growling before he stopped and saw them down the hall, crouched on the door. “You. You lying fuck. You lied to me! To Amy!” Mark shouted, stomping angrily down the hall before he came close enough to see their tear-stricken faces. “...what’s going on?”

  “I’m so sorry,” Tyler whispered, letting go of Ethan so he could stand up and face Mark with what little honesty he had. Mark puffed his chest, Tyler deflated his. 

  “For what? Which part? Leaving us? Or was it when you left Ethan here to pick up the pieces? Or when you ditched your friends to wallow in your self-pity? What was it Tyler? What had you holed up in your house like some coward while the rest of the world went on?” Mark’s questions were fueled by Tyler’s broken presence and added kindling to the fire in Mark’s eyes.

  “Back off, Mark,” Ethan tried to say as he stood up and wiped his eyes.

  “Oh what now? He’s got you in it too? Jesus Tyler, you really can’t handle anything by yourself can you?” Ethan shoved Mark and Tyler tried to whisper to Ethan to stop.

  “He’s been through a lot Mark! He was depressed and suicidal! Jesus fucking Christ, lay off!” For being so small, Ethan’s voice sure packed a punch, causing the other man to flinch. Ethan’s anger faded as quickly as it appeared. Mark looked between them and then scrunched his nose. He looked down at the carpet and found himself retching in mock. 

  “Jesus. Fine. Fine. Let’s just.. clean this place up and then we’ll talk. Tyler, go take a fucking shower,” Mark mumbled. Tyler nodded solemnly and stumbled back with a limp to the bathroom. The second the door closed Ethan found himself grabbing Mark’s shoulder and spinning him around to punch square in the jaw.

  “FUCK!” Ethan held his hand in pain.

  “What the hell as that for?!”

  “For-- oh shit -- for being a dick without analyzing the situation first,” Ethan mumbled as he stretched open his hand.

  “You can’t blame me. I thought Tyler was holed up here and was trying to talk you into some bullshit,” Mark grumbled, holding his jaw. Jesus, the kid held some muscle and firepower.

  “Right now, that’s not Tyler. You’re right about that. But what we need to do now is help him back on his feet. Cause right now? Right now we’re stuck with the shell of man. The shell of Tyler Scheid. The man who made hearts turn and changed the lives of so many people. Including us. So help me fill that shell with memories and care before he empties himself again. Got it?”

 Mark stared at Ethan, the intentness in his eyes gave away that Ethan would probably do anything to save Tyler at this point. And after all the childhood memories, Mark would too. He scoffed, turned his head to glance at the room in disgust. His eyes met Ethan’s once more and caved in.

  “Got it.” When the shower turned on, Mark and Ethan got the cleaning supplies out of Mark’s car. It’d be a long road ahead of them to pick Tyler back up, but in due time... it’d be worth it.

-’-’-’-

[steamishot]

Habits

I’ve been making some lifestyle changes lately. Most, if not all my life, I’ve done things in a rush. I tend to value speed (maybe because I find the task more challenging and more fun if I race against time lol) when I complete tasks, and I realize I’ve been quite unaware that I do this. Little everyday things, like getting ready in the morning, taking a shower, peeing, washing my hair, combing my hair, applying lotion, blow drying my hair- I realize I rush through it and just hope I show up presentable. I wasn’t that aware until Matt pointed it out a few times, and I realize it when I’m on a trip with a few other girls and how quickly I’m able to get ready and how little effort I put in. I’ve been taking small but promising changes towards self-care. I’m slowing down during the shower and enjoying my time there more instead of viewing it as task that I just wanna get over with (kinda like how I view washing dishes or doing laundry). In a sense, I’m learning to embrace my feminine side and be okay with the time and effort I spend on myself. I only get one face and body in this lifetime after all.

I’m also translating this onto my hobbies/work out goals. In the past, I’ve focused on results, and wanted results quick. I would work extra hard in the beginning and then burn myself out and then stop altogether. I’ve been listening to a podcast called GeniusBrain. The hosts are Asian American youtube entertainers, and I think they provide a lot of good life advice and insight, while presenting it in a way that is authentic and funny. In one episode, as they talked about fitness, they mentioned that it is very common for people who are new to working out to want to see results quickly. And they described the same thing I went through multiple times. Their advice for someone who was completely sedentary and wanted to become more active was – JUST START WALKING EVERYDAY. Easy enough goal right? I only realized that more important to having big goals was the ability to be disciplined and form habits. My work out endeavors in the past didn’t really work for me, in hindsight, because the routine was too complex for me to absorb. I would follow youtube videos with weight training and cardio, but without the videos, I was at a loss. Maybe around Fall 2019, I started doing a mile run after work. I remember taking like 13 minutes to run a mile, but being so out of breath and lightheaded after I completed it.

In December, I made a goal to do 10k steps at least 5x/week. This is easy to accomplish during a workday, but I don’t track it as much during the weekend. I’ve consistently been taking my two breaks each work day to walk, and my body has significant improvements. Most days (excluding the days when I’m super exhausted from lack of sleep and/or traveling) I run 2+ miles on a treadmill at home. If I have a hours of free time over the weekend, I’ll do 5 miles. This is mindless, as I don’t have to think too much about following a youtube video, but instead I get to run while watching a show, which makes exercising much more bearable and fun. Now when I get home and don’t work out, my body feels weird and craves a workout. I’m happy to have formed a habit!!! I didn’t even run this much when I “trained” for a half marathon a few years ago. I eventually want to incorporate this ten minute muscle toning work out into my routine, but I’ll wait until my running habit has really developed. But my lesson is, doing less consistently is actually more in the long run.

This is the same with drawing. It helps when I am drawing things for other people, as it holds me accountable. At the same time, it is much more fulfilling to draw for a purpose – to bring joy to others. I know that I try harder when I’m drawing for other people than for myself. It’s only been a few weeks so far, but I’ve been drawing more consistently than I ever have since like high school. I think as an adult, hobbies can easily be seen as a waste of time if you’re not it for some monetary or health value, at least IMO. But I think illustration is a valuable skill in the design world, and it’s something I can add to my portfolio. In any case, I think doing something/building on any skill is better than not doing anything at all.

Notable events-

My bro and wife just bought a pretty expensive house in Gardena. They will probably move into it the end of the month. It is by far the nicest/biggest house in our family and they were able to do it with their parents’ help (mostly her parents). There was a joke that Trevor Noah did, about what college degree is the most useful- and the answer is rich/successful parents. I am happy for them. At the same time, I feel like there was no struggle on their part, but kinda leeching off parents. Her parents are still fairly young, so I don’t mind too much, but I get sad seeing that my parents are getting old, and they sacrifice so much just for their child to have a less stressful life. I am happy to know that my parents give what they can “for the next generation”, but they also have firm boundaries.

My grandma has 7 kids, and some send her money every month. Lately, my grandma has been giving me more money than before. She always wants to pay when we eat out, and gives me money every time I go on trips. I used to be uncomfortable accepting it, and always declined it. But now, I understand that it makes her happy that I accept her support. So now I just take it and say thank you. In my perspective, I think she thinks her time left is limited, so she’d rather “invest” in me because it’s more worthwhile.

Also, my SIL told my mom she’s pregnant.

I am leaving to NYC tomorrow! The more I go, the less ideas I have of what to do when planning out our itinerary, but I am just excited to be able to cuddle and give each other tight hugs and be there physically with each other. We had one of our worst fights over the weekend, and it spanned like 4 days, just because our free time doesn’t overlap enough to finish arguing lol. It is funny but it also is a really sucky feeling, because we both end up going to sleep upset and can’t talk about it until after work the next day. I am trying to make light of it now, but I felt pretty depressed going through it. Deep breathing helped. 

I want to document this so I can remember in the future - what happened was during/after night shifts, he just never “bounced back”. I stayed getting not as much attention (which may be the normal amount of communication in some LDRs, but it was a drastic change for me, perhaps because he used to spoil me before). We barely texted, barely got to talk in depth, and he was learning to be more efficient with his time and have more self-care (sleeping early, unwinding more, drinking less coffee) that he came off cold and distant to me. I accepted it as the norm during night shift, but was expecting that he return to “normal” afterwards. Anyway, because I was already in an insecure state of mind due to the perceived difference in behavior, I took it really personally when I was trying to plan out moving in together and he couldn’t give me an estimated timeline. I started feeling like he had some reservations about me that was preventing us from moving forward. His explanation was that - he doesn’t know what program he will be going to (will find out if he gets in on Match day), and doesn’t want to plan ahead because he doesn’t want to get his hopes up. I didn’t understand this, because to me I was just talking hypothetically. However, I didn’t really consider how emotionally heavy Match day could be to him. He did work very hard for a decade to get where he is at, and his future is still not guaranteed. So, even though I feel like my life is “on hold”, I can be patient and wait another month to find out. 

Got a pap smear done yesterday. 

Work updates: there was a period of time when things were quite slow for me. I noted in a blog post about how guilty I was feeling, and how odd I felt around my supervisor. I tended to hide in my room and not interact with my supervisor. Thankfully, work is picking up as we are preparing for the incoming and terminating housestaff. I’ve been making a bigger effort to build relationships with people, and interact more with my supervisor.

Edit: these days feel pretty sucky to me. I think I’ve been extra lonely because my best hometown girlfriend has a boyfriend now, and we barely hang out anymore. Although in the grand scheme of things, I am very fortunate. I told my coworkers I was going to NYC this weekend, and one of them responded, “you’re so lucky!”. These days have been more challenging, with more questions of “is it worth it to put up with this relationship” as I’m feeling pretty neglected and unhappy. But I know it’s the combination of things - feeling stagnant with my life, not as challenged at work (although work is sometimes quite enjoyable), not having my close friend around a lot, etc. 

Sometimes I look at how my bro and his wife just lounge and relax and go out on dates. And I think about how that different that is from my life with Matt. Everything between us is fast paced, we are always on the go, and tired. Today, I received notice that I got a speeding ticket in NOLA. I also received a fine from the car rental company. Driving there was stressful and tiring already. I was also a bit salty that I drove the entire trip, and no one offered to help out. This is my first ever speeding ticket and I’d hate to have to pay it fully. This news made me feel shittier. I tried to think of positive things, like that I randomly received a tax refund from 2016, and the check would cover my tickets almost exactly. And another positive thing was that I forgot my iPad on the plane and was able to get it back. Lastly, if these are the things I am sad about, then I have it pretty good. 

Second edit: I realize I feel better when I talk to friends/acquaintances/work friends about things. It helps put my situation into perspective. I was feeling like a victim regarding my parking ticket, but $140 isn’t bad compared to the $300-500 speeding tickets in LA. My work mom just laughed at me saying, you? speeding ticket? HAHAHA congratulations. It reminds me that I do take my life too seriously sometimes. My friends on the trip are also “donating” to this cause, so it also takes the load off and I appreciate it a lot. 

[dioskourixx]

Don’t Crack Under Pressure

I should probably get up. I know I’ve been cooped up in this room for days. How many? I’m not sure. I started to lose count. It had to have been at least a week though. Yeah. I’m fairly sure that it’s been about a week. Should I at least get up to eat something? No. That means facing my roommates. I don’t want to see them right now. I can hear them both out in the living room. Watching t.v together. Trying to ignore the fact that the house is now filled with tension. And it’s all because of me. I’ll just curl back in my ball under my heavy blankets and go back to sleep. I’ll eat and shower when they both leave the house. I don’t want to face them. I can’t. I don’t want to see anybody actually. My face is wet again. Another night of useless crying that won’t change a damn thing. Yeah, it’s best if I just go back to sleep. I’ll try again tomorrow. I’m thankful that it’s the weekend now (I think). No classes. Which means, no reason to leave this room.

I’m not sure what time it is, when I hear someone enter the room. Probably my roommate Jenny, tiptoeing around the room looking for something. She hasn’t spoken to me in a week. Although, I haven’t exactly made myself approachable. I know she feels awkward around me. She doesn’t even sleep in our shared room anymore. The second night I started acting this way, she grabbed her blanket and favorite stuffed animal and camped out on the couch. I feel guilty. I should say something. Explain my odd behavior. Get her to understand that it’s not her, but me. But I can’t bring myself to even look at her. Let alone speak to her. So, I do what I normally do, and pretend to be asleep. I keep my face buried under my pillows, not daring to sneak a peek at her. I imagine her tiny frame trying to make herself invisible as she bustles around the room to find whatever it was that she was looking for. The door soon closes and just like that, my opportunity of talking to her is gone. I feel empty, frustrated, and cowardly. Silent tears fall from my eyes for the fourth time today, and based on how bright it was outside, it couldn’t be no later than 2 o’clock in the afternoon. One quick look at my phone confirmed that. It was a quarter till 2pm. As I look at my phone for the first time today, I see all of the missed calls and messages from various family members and classmates who wanted to make plans. One particular text message stood out more than the rest.

“Hey babe. Are you ok? Haven’t heard from you in a while.-Youngjae”

And he’s right. I haven’t had spoken to him ever since I sent that pity message a few days ago. And that’s only because I didn’t want him to worry. I don’t respond to his message this time. I don’t want to drag him into whatever it is that I’m going through. However, I desire his company the most. Maybe he could help me through this. Getting even more frustrated with myself, I bury my head further under my blanket. More tears fall and I feel my breathing getting shallow. Another attack. I try to calm myself as I count backwards from one hundred. I need to stop. I don’t want my roommates to hear me if I start hyperventilating. I usually do that in the shower, when everyone has left the house. No one can hear me then.  The salty tears flow so easily and it angers me. It takes about two minutes for me to calm down. Last time it took me almost five. Wanting to escape for the moment, I drink a fair share of cold medicine. In about twenty minutes, I won’t feel anything. Not anxiety, depression, doubt…nothing. The tears continue to fall until the medicine has worked its way in my system. My lips curve slightly upwards as I feel its effects on me. Unconsciousness slowly envelops me and I welcome it. I won’t feel anything. I’ll just fall into darkness and escape.

I wake up hearing voices. Other than that, the house is dead quiet and it’s no longer light outside. If I pay attention, I can make out what’s being said.

“Well what else are we supposed to do Jenny? She won’t talk to us. When we tried approaching her, she just brushed us off. She’s been holed up in that room for almost a week now. We don’t even know if she’s eating.” My other roommate, Abby, sounded exhausted. And I feel even more guilty.

“I know. I just wish it didn’t have to come to this, ya know. I just wish she’d talk to us.” Jenny sounds like defeated, and I can’t listen anymore. I turn over and tune them out. Soon I was unconscious.

I woke at a decent time surprisingly, and the house was quiet once again. I got up from my bed and peeked out of my bedroom window. Abby’s car was gone and it was safe to assume that Jenny was with her, since they talked about going shopping a couple of days ago. Taking advantage of this opportunity and made my way to the bathroom. Stripping myself from my clothes, I stepped into the shower and turned the shower on, making sure that it was as hot as possible. While I had this time, I brushed my teeth and attempted to rake a comb through my hair. I didn’t look extremely dead on the inside now, but I still didn’t look like myself. After getting dressed, I scrounged the kitchen for something to snack on. I wasn’t really hungry, so I settled on some chips. I should try to be productive today, right? Maybe today will be the day that I can explain myself. I know I had a ton of school work to do with fast approaching deadlines. And just the thought of it, almost made me go into a panic. No. I can’t do this right now. I quickly retreated to my room and clutched at one of my stuffed animals, trying to will my breathing to stay normal. Sleep. I just needed more sleep. That’s all. Grabbing the cold medicine once again, I took a couple of gulps from the bottle, and waited for the effects to kick in. It took a little longer than usual for me to fall asleep, but I was grateful either way, when I finally slipped into the darkness of unconsciousness.

I thought I was dreaming. It seemed too sweet for it to be real. I felt this sense of warmth envelop me. It was as if a summer’s breeze had embraced me. Comforting. The scent that invaded my nose seemed familiar, but I couldn’t exactly place it. There was humming as well. A light voice humming next to my ear. Light as a butterfly’s wings. It all felt soothing. Something I haven’t felt in a while. I felt my consciousness breaking through and a whine escaped me. I didn’t want this to end. I didn’t want this feeling to end. Please. Just grant me a few more minutes of sleep. I can’t lose this. But of course, the universe couldn’t allow that. As I begin to wake, I feel a tear roll down my cheek, leaving a trail of wetness behind. That’s when I felt it. A warm hand brushing against my face, it’s movements slow and gentle. My eyes opened slowly, trying to decipher between the remnants of my dream and reality.

“Youngjae?” A smile crept its way on his plump lips.

“Hi beautiful.” He said while stroking my hair softly. I felt my body start to fully wake up as I sat up in my bed.

“What are you doing here? How did you even get in here?” he sighed, letting his hand fall from my head.

“Well, your roommates called. Said that something was up with you. When I asked what, all they said was that they didn’t know. That you wouldn’t even talk to them. As for how I got in the house…Jenny left her key with me for the day. She wasn’t sure if you’d answer the door if I just knocked.”

I only stared at the stuffed bear laying at the foot of my bed. I guess it was a good thing that I had showered earlier. I felt his hand on my back, rubbing circles without much thought. The feeling made me less tense, and I was grateful for the contact.

“So, what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours babe? You’ve been somewhat distant with me, but I figured it was because you were busy. If I had known that you were like this, I would’ve came over sooner. Hey, are you okay?”

I didn’t notice that my face was becoming wet with fresh salted tears until I felt his thumb rub at a tear that managed to escape my eyes. His arms pulled me into himself as he layed down on the bed, taking me with him.

“Ssshh. It’s okay. Just take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”

I couldn’t control my tears from falling. I felt so much comfort with him just being here. Him holding me. Hearing his strong heartbeat underneath me. So different from mine the past few days. The room was quiet as we stayed like this for several minutes until my tear stained face dried, and no more water threatened to spill over. Youngjae was the first to break the silence.

“Is it family related? Friends? Us?” he asked. And I shook my head to each one.

“Ok then. Is it because of your classes? Are you stressed?” I gave no response this time as I just closed my eyes.

“Aaah. So, that’s it huh? Babe why didn’t you tell me? Did you have a panic attack again? Was it worse than last time.”

I nodded my head to answer both questions. I felt him sigh under me, still rubbing circles on my back.

“How many this time?”

“I don’t know. I lost count.” I finally croaked out. I felt him nod this time.

“Okay, don’t freak out with this next question, but how much work do you have to do and what are their deadlines.”

He must’ve felt me tense up, because his hold on me got tighter as he murmured encouraging words in my ears. He shifted us into a sitting position, facing me towards him so that I was now looking at him. He placed both of his hands on my cheeks, looking me square in my eyes.

“Listen. Whenever you feel like this, I want you to tell me, alright. I don’t want you to deal with this alone and push people away. I’m here for you no matter what, okay?”

He quickly pecked my lips for confirmation and I couldn’t help but to smile at him.

“Understood.”

“Good. Now you need to get up and wash your face from all of the crying you’ve done. While you do that, I’ll go order your favorite. We’ll eat and watch TV together for a while, and after that missy, we’re tackling your schoolwork…together. No matter how long it takes alright. You’ve got this. You just put a lot of pressure on yourself, that’s all.”

He moved to leave the room, giving me a few minutes to collect myself. Soon I was in the living room, for the first time in days, snuggled next to Youngjae watching some show he had chosen. I still felt anxious, but it wasn’t at the same severity as it was before. I will have to talk to my roommates soon to thank them for calling him. And to apologize for my weird behavior.

“Youngjae?” My voice came out in a timid whisper.

“Hmm?” He was now looking at me.

I reached up to place a kiss on his soft lips.

“Thank you. For everything.” A sweet smile spread across his face.

“Anytime beautiful.”

[hotcocosharing]

REQUEST: My Dream My World (Shuichi’s Smut)

Anonymous said: Hi! Could you do a longish Shuichi fluff (I guess??) where he finds the mc's blades or sees fresh self harm marks on her arm? Sorry if it seems a little graphic, but I've been feeling down lately

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Fandom: Kissed by the baddest bidders Category: Smut Character: Shuichi Hishikura Notes: I AM SO SORRY this is long overdue! You requested this cux you’re feeling down, I am terribly sorry. No fluff came to my head luckily season 3 was out and I got a better understanding of Hishi, so here you go, I hope you approve. And thanks for your support

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They have been traveling a lot lately, back and forth from Tokyo, Dubai and England, fortunately as one of the auction sponsors Eisuke permits her to travel with Shuichi as long as she works in the hotel.

Work, that's all there is to her.

Shuichi is always busy, it would be a president visit this week then a party to prepare next week, there's always something to organize, never a quiet week at the embassy.

But she never says anything, he's busy enough. There is no point in gaining his burden, complaining about her day would be bothersome so as wanting to go on a date. He should rather rest and she should spend more time to study, to catch up to his level.

English, Economy, Geography and Politics. Four subjects a week, endless textbooks and references everyday after her shift. Life sure has kept her occupied and fulfilled ever since she begins to date Shuichi, he's an ambassador, she is well aware of what she's signed up for when she decides to follow him.

She knows it all too well but none of these painful facts change her emotions, how depress she gets whenever she studies alone all night long in the empty suite or the loneliness that creeps under her skin each night when she crawls onto the huge vacant bed. There's only one thing that makes her feel better, to feel the stress slowly leaves her tiny body and trap soul.

One day Shuichi comes home early to surprise her, he hasn't seen her for two whole months, he really misses her smile. One look at her happy face, her sweet voice and gentle touches, every little thing about her brightens him. He enters and finds the suite empty as expected, she should be at work so he has few hours to settle. Maybe he'd get some flowers, get housekeeping to quickly re-decorate the room and orders a nice romantic dinner set. That would go perfect with the gift, he can't wait to see her cries in tears of joy.

He's in the bathroom as his boxer brief hits the floor, just as he's about to open the glass door something shiny by the bathtub has caught his attention. And he's not mistaken, it is a razor blade with stain of blood, his heart stops and his world stands still.

Every part of his body is aching while he is lost in haze, he has no recollection how he managed to get in and out of the shower or how long it's been till he finds himself sitting on the edge of their bed. It's ice cold, not a hint of warmth but her scent is all over, that's the only proof of her existence he'd find between the sheets.

He asks and asks himself, why is she upset? Is it because of how little time he's for her? Is it work? She never talks about it. Is it those idiots? No, they adore her. Is it him? Does he not satisfy her? Does she want to leave? He hates the unknown, the fact that he has no clue how long she's been hurting herself and the reasons behind it. He's worried sick and for the first time in his life, Shuichi Hishikura feels powerless. He can't help but chuckle mockingly, he who wants nothing more than revenge and justice for his father, it has been his life time goal to rise up to the top and clears his name. But what good does it do when he has all the power and influence if he can't even protect his love one? Or the fact that she isn't even willing to show and share her true feelings with him? What has he been doing this whole time? Wasting their lives and throwing their relationship down the drain, how could he be so oblivious?

"Shuichi!?" Her sudden voice startles him a little but he sits still, slowly lifting his head up to face her. A movement so easy seems utterly heavy, "You're home!!" He nods with a weak smile, searching for a good way to ask. "What's wrong?" She tilts her head, looking dumbfounded.

She has no idea how worried he is, the pain from his torn heart. "How are you? Everything's okay?" He hopes his tone is calm and natural, "Yes and you?" She sits next to him, blushing a little at his naked form. "Umm, I know you are a nudist, Shuichi but...." She pauses, eyes down and swiftly back up to meet his questioning gazes. "... You are completely naked... Maybe you can cover yourself up... a little?" She murmurs and pulls a blanket, he grips her wrist instead, turning it over to see her wounds. She tries to flee but he's much stronger.

Gently brushing the half healed cuts, he kisses each and one of them carefully as if they are so delicate that a bit of force would crush them. Tears begin to drop from above, Shuichi cups her cheek and wipes them away. "I am here for you and always will be." He whispers, closing the distance and places a kiss on her forehead first, then to her nose. Looking straight into her captivating eyes before his lips touch hers, sliding his tongue inside and tasting her salty sorrow with his aching heart.

"I love you, _______" He pulls away ever so quickly, "So damn much." And seals their mouths again, one hand still caressing her wounds while the other on her waist, slowly moving to her thigh. She could see the semi erected member from the corner of her eyes, reaching down hesitantly while he deepens the kiss. The warmth of her hand send sparks to his cock, making it twitches and Shuichi can't help but shivers as her index finger begins drawing circles on his tip.

"Wait," his breath uneven, "I... Sex is not what I'm trying to..." She places a finger to his lips, he stops to listen. "I miss you, Shu, so so much. All I want is for you to come home, to lay beside me, to hold me while I sleep, to be here."

Her head touching his, "To hear you say I love you again, that's all I need."

"But I'm always away."

"You'll come back to me."

"No, I'll quit tomorrow."

She breaks away, "Wait, what?! No, your dream is.."

"You are my dream," he interrupts, "my world," he pulls her close again, "my life. I am nothing without you and I'll never make you sad again."

She freezes at his words till they finally all sink in, deep into her heart. She pushes him down and straddles on top, he's surprised but smiles with delight. "And you are mine, Shuichi Hishikura."

The night is long, they're kept busy and steamy till the sun rises. Nothing will ever come between them for their hearts and souls have become one.

[devilishlyvintage]

Cold Shower (BH6 Fanfic)

Cold Shower

The pungent reek of smoke remained on his skin, mixed in with the stench of salty wetness and general uncleanness. It had been days since his last shower, and Tadashi Hamada was ready to draw the line and give up, though a desire to keep pushing forward was the one and only thing that actually motivated him to continue.

A moonlit starry sky would usually bring Tadashi comfort as he would often look up towards the Heavens and dream of something better, perhaps in a sense it also made him feel at peace with himself. But not tonight, if anything it only made him feel more depressed than he was already feeling; his once tough heart was beginning to shatter like the little shards of glass that pierced it.

I didn't think this would ever happen to me. I guess life is full of misadventures, huh?

The entire neighbourhood was sprayed with the scent of a fight, the smell of unfaithfulness between two intimates and the constant barking, howling (almost crying) of dogs filled the air, making Tadashi want to heave. Instead he rubbed his coat covered arms, a chilled yet quiet 'brrr!' sounding from the eighteen year old male whilst he walked, gaining stares from the neighbourhood's residents but paying no mind to them; he didn't care what others thought of him.

He was dirty, starving and sleep deprived, so all he wanted as of right now was to just find somewhere safe to stay for the night and hopefully he would be back on his feet by morning.

Night time felt like an eternity, at least to Tadashi.

The tough surface of a wall would have been uncomfortable in normal circumstances, but not to him. No, Tadashi could only find it within himself to feel relief when he was able to sit down on the cold, hard ground. Sighing, he took off his fedora and ran his hand through his greasy hair, knowing it was in desperate need of a wash. How he'd love a good bubble bath right about now, with soapy suds cleansing his skin.

"What am I doing?" he asked himself, knowing well he would not get any kind of response from anyone. "I...I should have just gone home, at least I would be safe there. Right now, I can't help but feel like everybody in this place is watching my every move. I've gotta be careful."

Leaning his head back, he caught the moment to stare directly at the Heavens, the moonlight paling his skin and serenity overcoming him as he transported himself into his own world, hoping to find somewhere better than this dump.

The tickling wind almost seemed gentle now, not harsh or angry at the fact an intruder had wandered into the fairly unknown part of San Fransokyo. It was as if said force was greeting Tadashi, welcoming him into its territory with open arms...unless it was the tiredness that was kicking it, perhaps that could have explained the sense of tranquillity.

Aspen Murdock, a fairly small girl of eighteen, held plastic bags in each hand as she strolled on the sidewalk, the contents of each carrier causing the material to dig slightly into her unusually pale skin, though said young adult didn't mind it- she was rather used to the pressure.

"I sure hope this'll be enough for tomorrow's dinner, I really wanna make the new place feel like home." she said, something within the corner of her bluish grey (more so grey) eyes making her stop in place. "I wonder what that could be..."

Turning to walk forward, Aspen cautiously took the first few steps to her new discovery, calling out to see if she had found a person rather than a pile of trash in black liners. "Hello? Is someone there?"

Tadashi was brought out of his calm state as soon as he heard Aspen's sweet sounding Texas accent, the type of voice that would come across as being annoying to some and straight up hot to others. He however, didn't find it to be either grating or attractive; all he could hear was a gentle woman asking him if he was okay. Quickly putting his hat back on his head, he took a place of hiding behind a bag of garbage, hoping he wouldn't be seen.

"You don' have to be afraid, whoever you are," Aspen said, unbeknownst that her sweetness had softly touched Tadashi's heart, being it was the first time he had been shown any kindness in a while. "I won't hurt hurt ya. Come on out so I can get a better look at you. You poor thing, ya must be freezing like a flower in Alaska because of this darn cold weather."

Slowly, Tadashi built up his courage and got to his feet, grimacing at the pins and needles in his legs because he hadn't had much rest over the past few days. Aspen placed her groceries down, brushing her hair back so that it wasn't in the way.

"Guess you're not much of a talker, huh?" she took a few steps closer, her expression immediately changing upon seeing Tadashi's full form. "You're...homeless?"

Tadashi, for one reason to another, couldn't find it within himself to speak, the back of his throat throbbing and the uprising of remaining ash caused him to put his hand over his mouth as he coughed, shocked at the sight of burgundy pooling in a small crack in the ground as it lightly seeped within the gaps in his leather gloves.

Is that...blood?

"You're not in good shape at all, how long have you been out here?" Aspen asked, equally as surprised to see blood being brought up rather than mucus of a traditional cough and cold, but even she could see it was more than a winter illness. "Please, come with me so I can help you, I couldn't bear it if I left you out here all alone."

Tadashi didn't know whether or not taking this mystery woman's offer was a good idea, he'd asked (pleaded even) for help and nobody gave him a second thought, tossing him to the side like he was nothing but an out of date newspaper ready to throw away. He supposed that was all he was, old news that needed to be trampled on in order to get rid of it.

Who knew the world could be so cruel? How could he have not seen it before?

I can't be a naive little kid anymore...

"You don' have to let me help you if ya don' want me to, but don' ya think it'd be nice to have a nice hot shower, clean clothes and warm food?" Aspen said, hoping Tadashi would make the right choice and allow her to help him in getting better. "I can see you haven't eaten in a while, which is why I want to help. My name's Aspen, Aspen Murdock."

Aspen Murdock...Aspen...a pretty name for a pretty girl. She seems so kind and trustworthy, and she doesn't talk or act like all of those other people. Maybe this is it for me, maybe I was meant to meet her...

Making his final decision, Tadashi extended his arm forward and both he and Aspen shook hands, it was nice to get the formalities out of the way, though there was something missing.

"Can you tell me your name, mister? I might be able to contact friends or family for you, I think they'd be happy to know that you're okay. Unless you don't want me to, I understand if you don't want them to get involved."

Tadashi shook his head, with Aspen nodding in understanding.

"Right, of course. Well, you can tell me your name later if you're not comfortable talking now. We can sort things out at my place, it's just up ahead."

Aspen went to pick up her bags, but was pleasantly taken aback as Tadashi got them for her, giving her a smile behind his concealing look of dark lensed glasses and a red scarf softly ringed around his neck. She thanked him for his polite act, buttoning up her coat when she felt that the atmosphere had begun to grow colder.

"Not just a homeless guy, but a gentleman too. You don't see that every day."

Tadashi had a feeling that he was going to like Aspen, she was unlike anyone he had ever met before, in a way she reminded him of Honey Lemon, with her sense of feminine yet casual fashion and the way she had her locks styled and presented. Her skin was light, but well taken care of at the same time. It was odd, but an interesting kind of odd.

"When summer arrives, I hope I can get a tan. I'm tired of looking like a snowman." Aspen said, her choice of words confusing Tadashi.

Snowman? Surely nobody else thinks that, do they? I haven't even known this girl for five minutes and even I can tell she's beautiful, there's definitely something about her, something wonderful.

****

"Sorry if they're not your kind of thing, dude, there were the only clothes I could find that would fit you."

Zachary "Zach" Evans, originally from California (though born and raised in Florida until he was three) handed Tadashi a folded set of clothes, the Hamada giving a thankful nod before taking them into the bathroom, hanging them up as he took of his dirtied items of clothing and put them into the woven wash basket, stepping into the shower and turning the metal faucet to the coldest setting, briefly gasping as the water came into contact with his skin. All he did was stand there, pressing his arms against the glass and staring at his feet. Salty, burning tears ran down his face along with the water, sobs each different in tone hitching from his dry lips.

I'm so sorry, everyone...

Wow! It sure feels great to be writing for BH6 again, i’m so glad i’m back to writing these! I have more ideas now which means you will be seeing more of these in the future. Thanks for reading!