#I’m sad I missed it but I’m praying it’s on YouTube

[onestrangechild]

What your fav Legion says about you, from some nerd on an app

Ultramarines:

I like to think of you guys like Glock owners. Yes, on paper, you guys are the least creative but that means you guys are the most reliable. Guilliman was probably the best primarch to come back to the setting because he was the most stable, and it shows in his marines, who don’t have trauma for the sake of plot. You admire the other legions, but it’s the no nonsense approach they bring to battle that you respect the most.

For honor and glory.

Blood Angels:

You think Vampires are dope as Fuck, and you’re right. Your favorite TV show is probably season 1 of Netflix’s Castlevania (same) or HELLSING, and play the Vampire Counts in the Total War Warhammer games. You go into a seething rage at the merest mention of the WarMaster, and probably wanna rip Erebus’s hearts out and lay them before sanguinius’s feet. You’re probably a bit annoyed with people hiding their gear from you because they think you’re a Blood Raven, but you’ll forgive them in time.

Dark angels:

You think Medieval Knights are dope as Fuck, and you’re right. You dig the chivalry and honor they embody at all times, think dark green and gold looks drippy (it does), and think the Lion is an absolute badass (he is). You also probably grieved for what the honored 1st could’ve been before GW wrote them to all be paranoid douchebags, and can’t wait for the returned Lion to make some changes around his legion. Also, you’re extremely tone deaf, please learn to read the room yall

Salamanders:

OUT OF THE FIRE, AND UNTO THE ANVIL!

Whilst I’m more of a Blood Angel or Iron Hand myself, I have Immense respect for the sons of Vulkan. You think blacksmithing is cool as fuck and probably watch clips of Forged in Fire, or any of the various Blacksmith YouTubers there are. You also think Fire is cool, and think that Astartes should be nicer to Guardsmen in lore.

Imperial Fists:

As an Iron Warrior simp, suck my toes you Imperial Favorite. Now that that’s out of the way, the Imperial Fists is an entire legion of Engineers including you (probably). You think Emotions only make Simple things Complex and thus think as logically as life will let you, fair enough. Youre as tired of the “Imperial Fists are as cold as their home world” about as much as you are of Perturabo’s complaining, miss your genefather, and can feel the happy chemicals SURGING in your brain looking upon a reinforced defense manned by soldiers who’s only concern is holding the line.

Iron Hand:

As an Iron Hand myself, I know the “daddy issues” joke is fruit hanging lower than Ferrus Manus’s head rolling around on the floor, so I won’t. You’re a lot like an Imperial Fist, critically logical and as stalwart as Iron, but unlike imperial fists you’re allowed to have a personality! Unfortunately that Personality is tempered by a healthy dose of Trauma! Your hatred for the Emperor’s Children is just as violent as the Blood Angels and the Sons of Horus, and you pray Fulgrim gets a model so you can personally shoot him in the mouth.

White Scars:

You’re a vehicle guy, and you like going Fast. You also have a great appreciation for cultures like Feudal Japan, Ancient China, Mongolia, etc. idk what else to put here since I’ve never really… looked into their lore… (-(

Raven Guard:

You’re a quiet person, maybe you’re emo/punk, maybe you like dressing up gothic, but you’re definitely the quiet type. Whether that’s social anxiety or just a person of few words doesn’t matter too much, you vibe with the sad raven boys cuz they’re badasses. Unfortunately I cannot take those beaked helmets seriously.

Space Wolves:

I heard an explanation that I agree with once. You guys have such a rich history, a badass primarch that’s probably gonna return (eventually), and a very well developed Viking aesthetic that Is appreciated by those willing to dig into it… but to everyone on the outside you’re just a furry. And it’s kinda tragic…

Anyways, this is all just my opinion which means obviously this is Fact and should be Definitely taken as such

[lord-lawnmower]

Can I come to your merch table and act strange and unusual?

[iamred-iamyellow]

ok this is very random (as im not sure how much of an ls2 defender u r)

BUT

every new thing that James bitchass stanky dummy shitty Vowles says abt the Logan situation just pisses me off more. makes me even wonder how logan dealt w everything for as long as he did.

Swear if Logan wasnt backed by Duracell and all the other US companies that bring in sm bank, Vowles would have dropped him even without meeting Franco...

Logan might have underperformed but his car isnt good to begin with, strategy was practically a DIY youtube video every fucking race weekend and not to mention that out of what 10-12 races his teammate has only managed to score 6 points...(no saying Albon is bad at all just goes to show that even a decent driver cant do shit in that fucking half charged golf cart 😒)

As a CS55 girlie im praying for the best for Carlos and that the team figures itself out over the new year break bc the way things r going i wouldnt be fucking suprised if Carlos opted to race for another team or just become a reserve driver after one year w bitchass Williams.

Truly a shame that a driver with such potential (LS2) and an excellent teammate and great driver with consistency (CS55) have ever had to deal with James stanky Vowles ( even tho Vowles is a D1 national level Sainz glazer 😭😭)

UGHHHHH i just know next year is gonna b...interesting to say the least.

Praying for Franco too 🥺💯 I've really come to like him so far after Monza and think he has great things in store and can rlly prove himself too 😞🩷

How it feels being BOTH a LS2 and CS55 gal btw;

as an american i think im obligated by law to be a ls2 defender 🫡🦅🇺🇸

“strategy was practically a DIY youtube video every fucking race” TRUTH!!! 

i will forever be a defender of our four williams babies alex carlos franco and logan because they were dealt some fuckass cards 

i just cannot believe that logan didn’t have enough time to develop in f2 and williams didn’t even TRY to give him more opportunities to train during his f1 seasons. they literally tossed him in a car and said GO they set him up to fail and then got mad that he didn’t exceed their expectations 

don’t even get me STARTED on the comments james made about mick i am PERSONALLY offended omg 

i’m really gonna miss franco at the end of the season but i hope he gets more opportunities from what he’s proven he can do in f1

and speaking of carlos his journey is just one that ends up being really sad for me. he jumps from team to team and proves himself EVERY TIME but he has the worst luck when it comes to it. he was teammates with max first and therefore the second fiddle because christian was set on max being his everything. then he moved to renault which was uhm renault. then mclaren where he could’ve technically been seen as first driver or equals with Lando but Lando to Mclaren is Max to RB. He got a win at mclaren and just brought out the absolute best vibes for the team. Then he moved to ferrari but it was too late bc again Charles to Ferrari is Max to Red Bull. He always ends up second to a teams golden boy and as much as i love all those drivers it really sucks that Carlos does so much and will never truly get the recognition he deserves.

[ssturniolo92]

matt sturniolo-right where you left me

pairing-matt sturniolo x reader

genre-angst

warnings-crying? heartbreak?

a/n-no happy ending sowwy😭

fight part 1 fight part 2

i felt my phone buzz, pulling it out i saw it was from matt. i felt my heartbeat speed up in anticipation.

hey, i’m in town. can we meet up?

i responded quickly, not caring what he thought of my quickness.

sure, our spot?

our spot was the only fancy place in town. i hadn’t been there since we were actually together, but what the hell right?

sounds good. tomorrow night, 8pm?

see you there.

i could hardly wait to see him. ever since christmas i couldn’t wait. i thought about him ever he day. we would text or facetime on occasion. but since his career has skyrocketed in the last year he’s been busy, so the calls and texts have been less frequent.

the next day i picked out my best dress, the one he liked the most on me. i pinned up my hair in a bun, but i had to use around 10 pins.

i was ready by seven, and just sat around waiting until 7:45, which is when i left my parents house.

as i drove all i could think about was what he wanted to meet up for. maybe he wanted to get back together? maybe he missed me? the endless questions filled my mind. i could barely handle the excitement.

i walked in the restaurant at exactly 8, and saw him already sitting at a table near the window in the corner. our table.

i walked over with a smile and he smiled back. i missed this feeling. last time we saw each other was confusing, maybe he wanted to make things official?

“and you’re, sitting in front of me. at the restaurant.”

“so how have you been?” he asked, clearing his throat.

“i’ve been good, really good.” i said, unable to contain my smile.

“schools good?” he asked.

“when i was still the one you want.”

“yeah, i love it.” i told him. “how’s youtube?”

“cross-legged in the dim-light everything was just right.”

“good. we’re busy. thinking of going on tour soon.” he said, and i noticed he was avoiding eye contact.

“so, did you wanna talk about something?” i asked hopefully, attempting to make eye contact.

“i could feel the mascara run.”

“yeah actually.” he said and i could tell he was about to continue. my mouth was dry from the nervousness, i brought my glass of water up to my mouth as he spoke.

“i met someone.”

“you told me that you met someone.”

i felt my stomach drop, as everything just stopped. i didn’t even realized i had dropped the glass until i rested my hand on the table and felt the sharp edges.

“glass shattered on the white cloth.”

i felt like i was going to throw up. this was worse than leaving him all those months ago. how could i move on from this?

“everybody moved on.”

i couldn’t bear to look at him. he met someone? i never expected him to say those words. never in my entire life. i felt stuck. like i couldn’t move. couldn’t breathe. this moment would be trapped inside of my brain forever. i felt like i would stay here forever.

“help. i’m still at the restaurant.”

[time skip]

“still sitting in a corner i haunt.”

i still found myself dreaming of that night. even weeks later. i just couldn’t handle the thought of him leaving my life completely, i guess i should’ve known this was coming when i walked out on him.

“cross-legged in the dim light.”

i still remembered every time we met there, our first date, when he asked me to be his girlfriend, when he first said i love you. everything happened there. that place was where we started and ended.

“they say what a sad sight.”

i still went there, when i really missed him. i would pray that i wouldn’t see him and this girl that he had met there, but i guess he knew that that was our place, a place frozen in time.

“i, i stayed there.”

the employees knew and felt sympathy towards me, i could tell. but i didn’t deserve it. i should’ve known this would happen. ever since that night.

“dust collected on my pinned up hair.”

i saw pictures of them online, the whole internet was happy for them. i was too. i just couldn’t get out of that loop. that feeling that i should wait for him. that feeling of nostalgia and longing.

“i’m sure that you got a wife out there, kids and christmas.”

by the time the holidays came around i was sure they were serious, and i was happy for him. as happy as i could be. she looked nice. she was pretty. she had a nice smile. she wasn’t frozen in time like me.

“but i’m unaware, cause i’m right where-”

while i didnt know every single detail of their relationship, i knew they were happy. so instead of moving, i moped on. unaware of the world around me.

“i cause no harm.”

i had gotten multiple texts from chris and nick asking if i was okay. i hadn’t posted on any social media in months, as far as everyone was concerned i was frozen in time, simply stuck in the past.

“mind my business.”

and even if i did go out, i preferred to stay quiet. during lectures and classes i refrained from raising my hand or talking. and i was sure everyone knew why by now, dating someone who’s sorta famous has its cons; especially when you break up.

“if our live died young, i can’t bear witness.”

i feel like maybe things could’ve been different in another world. so instead of facing it, i turn my head away from the truth. choosing to stay. where you were staying, you didn’t know.

“and it’s been so long.”

you would walk the streets, feeling the sympathetic stares from the other people. you tried to come home to boston as often as you could, and you heard what they said about you.

“did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen?” “time went on for everybody else she won’t know it.” “she’s still 19, inside her fantasy.”

“did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion?” “breakups happen everyday you don’t have to lose it.”

“but if you ever think you got it wrong, i’m right where you left me.”

you knew that if he ever decided to come back to you, he knew where to find you.

“you left me no, oh you left me no, you left me no choice but to stay here forever.”

you didn’t have it in you to move on. you knew that. everyone knew. so you would just stay here forever.

[acethatlovesdinos]

I made this a long time ago, when I was first struggling with undiagnosed, unmedicated, and untreated depression and anxiety. (I think I was like 13 or 14???)

I've always been better at processing physical words, so writing and poetry became a strong outlet in that time frame.

When I wrote this, I was in a bad place, I would like to make that clear.

My mom showed it to my doctor when I finally spoke up about the issue, and he, as well as a few other professionals, told me I had put the topic of Depression into clearer words than many adults they'd treated in the past, and that I should publish that writing one day, because maybe it'd help some other people make sense of things too.

Anyway, here that is. It's completely unchanged from the day I wrote it, just a copy/paste from the original document.

Trigger warning for blatant description of severe depressive and anxiety symptoms, as well as brief mentions of self harm and suicide.

(btw I am now 19, I am okay, I got help years ago, everything is fine. You aren't alone, either. No one is beyond saving. I love you!)

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I think it's depression.

I mean, why else would I feel like this? This is definitely not a way normal people feel and think. They don’t feel worthless or hopeless or like they’d be better off dead. They don’t stay awake until past eleven and wake up at 3 in the morning. They don’t spend half their nights crying silently because they’re worthless and broken and a waste of space. They don’t pray only to ask God why they’re like this. They don’t fall into tears about the most stupid things and act totally numb about the biggest tragedies.

They don’t think about what would happen if they caused physical harm to themselves. But I do. I feel worthless and hopeless and like I'm a waste of space. I spend hours at night just staring at my ceiling wondering why. Why I exist. Who would miss me if I wasn’t there? Who would even notice? Who would care? I wonder if death hurts sometimes. But I wouldn’t kill myself. Suicide doesn’t end the pain, it just passes it on to someone else.

Should I tell someone about this? Probably. But the biggest problem is that I can’t explain it. I can’t explain what’s wrong. I feel scared and sad and tired. All the time. And people ask me why I’m scared or what makes me sad, I can’t say why because I don’t exactly know myself. There’s just this constant feeling following me around and I don’t know why. Then they’ll say something like, “then stop being sad!” or “Don’t be afraid!” But they don’t understand. Fear isn’t a thing you can just…turn off. Especially when you don’t know what it is you’re afraid of. No one understands me because I don’t understand me.

I’m scared. I’m scared because I don’t know what it is. I’m human, okay? I fear the unknown. But I’m even more scared to identify the unknown. Because if I have depression, I’m broken. If I have depression, I fall under the category of “sad” in most people’s radar. When people think of depression, they think sad. They think of crying all night wrapped in blankets and watching youtube on your phone. But that’s only the tip of the very, very, very, very deep iceberg.

You can still feel happy when you’re depressed. It’s just that the feeling doesn’t last. You feel like everything that goes wrong is your fault. And you’re not always sad. If you were sad, at least you’d be feeling something. You just feel…numb. You don’t feel anything and struggle to focus or notice anything unless it’s right in front of your face. Even then, you hardly realize what it is. I wish people would understand this. But no one understands.

When people ask, “Do you wanna talk about it?” The answer is no, I don’t want to talk about it. I want to box up these feelings in a steel chest, lock it with a combo lock, tie it with chains, weld it shut, and throw it into the bottom of the Mariana Trench so I don’t have to think about it ever again. But I know I can’t do that. I’d like to, but I can’t. Because feelings aren’t physical objects. They aren’t something you can just throw away and forget about. They can’t be traded or lost. They can’t be sold for extra cash. The only things you can do is lock them away or share them.

It’s quiet. Terrifyingly quiet. Or it’s loud. Deafeningly loud. There’s no middle ground. Likewise, you either feel utterly alone or like you’re in the constant spotlight with everyone looking at you. You don’t control which one it is, you don’t control how you feel.

When you’re in the backseat of your own mind and you can’t see the driver, it’s one of the scariest things in the world. You’re not in control. You don’t know where you’re going. You think you’re going to crash. Then you don’t. You swerve out of the way and keep going. This happens again and again until you’re tired of it and actually hope you crash so it will end. You’re dizzy from the turns and you feel sick. You want to pull over, take a five minute break from going ten thousand miles an hour. But it doesn’t stop. It keeps going.

The only reason you don’t lose your lunch is because you likely didn’t eat any. For whatever reason, your appetite changes. Either you’re eating too much or not enough.

You lose almost everything that makes you happy.

For me, part of me knows this feeling is totally irrational and there’s no reason I should feel like the sad excuse of a human being that I feel I am. Time and time again, I try to change my mindset, make myself feel like what others praise me for. But it doesn’t work. Part of me wants to just give in to these feelings and reduce myself to a sad blanket-lump.

I try to ignore it. I try to fight it. But the fight never ends.

Do you know what insanity is? The true definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time you do so. So I’m insane. I fight those thoughts, each time expecting them to stay down, to let me win. But they keep getting back up. When I get knocked down, I get up, despite knowing it’s going to knock me down again. That’s just further proof of my insanity.

I’m tired. I’m tired of putting on a fake smile. I’m tired of saying I’m fine. I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of yelling. I’m tired of being tired.

I’d like to give up, but school is in the way. School doesn’t matter anymore though. Grades? They’re just stress numbers. Numbers that somehow define your entire performance. I used to have good numbers, good reviews of my performance, but I’ve stopped caring. I’m more worried about surviving a school day with dry eyes than quadratic functions. I’m more worried about making sure I don’t break down than moon phases. I’m more worried about just surviving overall than trying to read in a language I’m just going to forget after a few weeks of summer.

One might think: If you’re hurting this badly, why haven’t you told anyone? If you’re hurting so much, why didn’t you ask for help before it got this bad? I didn’t tell anyone because I was afraid of becoming a problem. I was afraid of becoming a burden, dragging you down with me. I was afraid that this might be contagious, so I kept myself shut up so that no one has to suffer like I do.

And that, right there. “Suffer like I do.” That makes me sound like I’m the middle of the universe, doesn’t it? ‘Oh, woe is me! I cannot function because I feel sad!’ I’m afraid people will view me like that if I open up.

But it’s gotten too bad to hide at this point. I’m to the point where I have trouble with finding the urge to get up in the morning. I can’t find the urge to go to school. I can barely find the urge to even just live sometimes. I just want to give up and go back to bed.

-----------

I promise. None of you have to suffer alone in whatever you're going through. People can and will help you, if you let them. I understand that it's hard to ask for help, personal pride can genuinely get in the way of things. But if you want help and are truly looking to improve, you can and you will. I love you dearly, and I hope you're doing well. 💜💜💜 just know that there's always someone who cares. You're loved and cherished, each and every one of you! :]

[tutuandscoot]

I just got hit with a strong sense of “god damn I miss vm I wanna see them dance again so bad.” I can’t explain it… 😂 I’m not feeling sad… Like I am totally fine with them doing other things with their lives now. It’s more that I am feeling a completely unrealistic sense of neediness/greed, if that makes sense, for new vm dance content. Particularly off ice, idk why. Do you ever get hit with that? 😩 how do you fight it off??

Yess boo I’m hit with it constantly it’s called depression knowing pure brilliance when you see it and being simultaneously grateful yet devastated something so perfect can’t continue forever.

How I cope with the feels is by praying reminding myself that the earth is 4 billion or whatever years old and how rare is it that I exist on the planet at the same time as them and YouTube exists and the technology to follow their journey and reminisce and continuously be inspired by them and share my love of them with all of you. 💖

[blogging-thots]

May 15 2023

My first week of break and tmr I got a Dr appointment for blood drawn , so hopefully I’m healthy :)))

I’m very glad I passed my DANB ICE EXAM bc sheeeesh I was soooo nervous about it and was ready to cry LOL

When time comes for the DANB radiology + chair side , I PRAY I PASS THOSE TOO 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏💛💛💛💛💛💛

thank goodness I finished 2nd semester successfully , even though I was on the pass or fail line ! SKAJSJSKDNWKSNKQNDWJJSS NEVER AGAIN !! I NEED TO KEEP MY SELF UP AND TOGETHER BC WOOOOOO THAT WAS TOUGH

Summer semester , I guess I’m ready 😭🤣

Remember to always read the book 💀💀💀

3 months anniversary of dating Trae is in 2 days ,,,, crazy

I don’t think he remembers 💀💀💀

For some reason today , I’m feeling toxic and decided not to respond to him , but I did reply to his Good Morning message but after that I just didn’t

Idk whats wrong w me , maybe bc it’s almost my period day , and it’s supposed to start tmr ,,, it’s also been really hot bc summer is about to start

Idk why I keep doubting Trae,,,, maybe bc of my past 2 relationships that was in HS 💀💀💀💀💀 but I know Kass said not to bring those feelings into this relationship bc this is a new start and that it’s not fair to Trae if I’m being toxic with myself like this ,,,, ugh I hate my brain

I wrote Trae another anniversary letter and gave it to him on May 9 , but he never gave me a proper response ,,,, he did say that the translation app couldn’t translate it well ,,, but idk about that bc I sent the other 2 before this and I think it was fine ,,, but whatever ,,,, I don’t think he even really cares for those letters even tho he said he likes them ,,, I kinda expect him to respond with something meaningful,,, but I guess a “Thank you baby” is enough ?????? I shouldn’t expect much from him like Tanya said bc in the end , I’m only hurting my feelings and no one else.

I was also supposed to write the 2nd letter in my hand writing since he wanted a hand written one for memories instead of the printed one , but I’m not doing it bc I don’t think it’s needed since I don’t feel appreciated enough with the letters I wrote.

I don’t think I’ll be writing anniversary letters to him anymore , I think that 3rd letter is final, it’s just a waste of my time to write those letters, if I’m not getting a proper response from him.

On May 1 , he was worried about me bc he thought my parents blocked him from my contacts , so he wasn’t focusing well at work and kept making errors, and so Vicky sent him home , so he could rest.

^^^^that’s what Vicky (Co Boss) and Manager told me when I went to go buy a to go during that week.

So idk why acting toxic , and not responding to him today ,,,, but I did this night when he texted jokingly on Snapchat that he’ll need to call 911 since I’m not responding. And I responded back with “🤣💀 they’ll call you stupid” and responded with a sad character sticker and I opened the chat but didn’t reply and that was around 11pm I think and now it’s 12am and he didn’t text back,,,, so whatever.

I know he worked today and doesn’t have time to text me constantly , but idk why I keep thinking this way.

I don’t think I’ll reply to him tmr , maybe just the morning message I’ll respond but after that I don’t think I will ,,, he doesn’t even have any decent / in depth conversation with my thru text messages. It’s all “I miss you and love you baby” “I want to kiss and hug you” that’s about it thru out the whole text messages and I really appreciate that he miss me , loves me, and what’s to kiss and hug me, but where’s the conversation???? There’s nothing, so it causes me to be bored and don’t even want to talk.

I’m always the one trying to have conversations thru text w him , but he doesn’t even do that with me ,,, I think in person we’re fine but thru text it’s awful that I don’t even want to talk to him ,,, I rather watch YouTube all day than text him probably.

I used to ask him the basic questions like “how’s work?” “How’s he feeling?” “Did he sleep well?” “How was his day overall?” But now I don’t bother to do so bc he doesn’t even ask me those.

Whenever I’m having toxic thoughts, I think about breaking this relationship off , it’s bad that I think that but I can’t help it.

I guess him worrying about me to point that he can’t focus on his job properly should be a sign that he truly does care about me , but idk ,,,, I really do love him ,,, but whenever I keep thinking more and more , I start to think that I will be better off single than be w him.

I guess I’ll hold on a for the time being and if I’m still not happy with myself being in a relationship with him then I guess I will break up with him.

Sometimes I want to tell him to stop texting me bc I’m tired and don’t have the energy or capacity to talk but I don’t want him to think it’s bc of him , bc sometimes it’s not and it’s just my brain being toxic to myself again.

I told him before my 3 week break started that I’ll be working May 22 & 29 @ Pizza , so he could come see me ,,,, idk if I want him to come any more ,,,, I guess I’ll try not to talk to him as much during this week and see how it goes, maybe he might not show up bc of me not responding back to him frequently.

I feel like I always want to get to know him more by asking questions about his likes and dislikes ,,, but to me it seems that he doesn’t want to get to know me more or even care about that. Or maybe the reason he doesn’t ask is bc he doesn’t want to weird me out and rather learn what I like and dislike along the way.

I really hate my thoughts ,,, they always get to me to the point that it’s toxic for my mentality.

[ladyofluxure]

My level up Journey - 2023

- RANTING PART : Wake up call -

I am 23 years old. I’ve been escorting for the past year and a half. I am on the heavy side (205lbs for 5’5’’). I make on average 10-15k/month profit but I tour often and my life is pretty hectic. I have a curvy hourglass looking body and it saves me but I’m SOOOO tired of being fat. Outside of my job, I don’t go out and I don’t date either because I already know that it would be harder for me to attract the kind of men that I want (wealthy providers) so I don’t even bother. I don’t have friends like that. I used to be close to a girl but we got into an argument and she said some things that made me want to cut her off or at least take my distances… overall, I am okay with my life. Financially, I’m doing fine and I’ve saved up a great amount of money (120k saved up currently). Other than that, I am not happy with the way that I look, I am not happy with my love life, I am not happy with my networking skills (I want to make more friends from the right circle) and I also want to do other things than escorting (have a side-business that will allow me to tour less often) … I love the job but it can get mentally draining sometimes. I would also like to up my rates (800/h + .. eventually 1,000/H + and only cater to the wealthy men)

I’m writing this pissed off, sad and feeling lonely on a Wednesday night. I’m tired of looking at my life and feeling like I’m missing out big time because of the way I look. I’m fat and insecure. It is a bit weird because I’m also a professional escort and make a good living for myself. I know that I am attractive to certain men but escorting and marrying rich are not the same thing.

I am a well-built 205lbs, 5’5’’ woman. I hold most of my weight on my ass, thighs and boobs. It’s easy to find a guy who want to drop a couple of hundreds or a few thousands on me BUT I want a man who will FUND my lifestyle. Who will buy me cars, properties, invest in my future and give me a good amount of money every single month (minimum 10k/month).

I've decided to no longer be my enemy and instead be my own best friend and take care of myself this year and ALL the other years to follow. Here are my goals for this year.

GOALS OVERVIEW:

1. Lose weight. Get down to 70KG by August (lose 50 lbs in 5-6 months) *Most important*

2. Have started my side-business + register it too (business account, incorporate myself, set PayPal) *Hardest*

3. Get my driver's license by July. The latest. *Easiest*

4. Get plastic surgery (BBL, 360 Lipo and chin lipo)

5. Get Lasik Eye Surgery [done]

6. Network; meet new friends

7. Get back in the dating scene and date with a purpose (spoiled girlfriend, have a roster of high earner guys)

8. Start free styling for sugar daddies as well

9. Have a total of 200k saved up from hoeing by the end of the year. (Already saved up 120k right now)

10. Have a clear and healthy skin

11. Grow my side-business and make 5k/month

12. Keep my place organized and clean

13. Finish laser hair treatments (face & body)

14. Get a car! Either buy one or get it gifted by a generous suitor

15. Have hobbies and try out new activities; yoga, golf, arts, photography, etc.

16. Travel abroad at least once for leisure (not for escorting)

17. Get closer to God (bible study, pray more)

18. Rebrand my escorting persona and up my rates

19. Invest in my looks and be put together as much as possible (hair, nails, makeup, clothes, perfume, etc.)

Phase 1: Weight loss, clear skin and get driver’s license

Duration: Late February to July 2023 (5 months)

Weight loss

Duration: 6 months (From late Feb to July)

Goal for August 1: 70kg (BMI: 25)

Work on your emotions and thoughts around food! Listen to Brooke Castillo's podcasts on youtube -

Follow hunger cues and only eat when hungry. Stop eating when comfortably full, not stuffed. Use hunger scale.

Intermittent fasting and no food late at night (past 8PM)

Mostly eat whole food (veggies, fruits, leaner cuts of meat, whole grains, etc.) and keep junk food and sweets to a very minimum - especially the first months.

Have occasional treats but plan them.

Stay well hydrated (2L /day) and sleep 8H/night

Exercise 5-6x/week even if it’s only brisk walking. (Walking, hot yoga, regular yoga, ballet, pole dancing, gym, etc)

Weigh in once a week and keep track of it

Once you’ve reach your weight goal, keep the healthy habits up otherwise, the weight you’ve lost will creep back up babe. It’s a lifestyle change. ❤️

Clear skin

Face

Follow daily skin care routine morning and night: cleanser, toner, moisturizer, SPF

Exfoliate, masks, etc. weekly

Professional peeling glow once every trimester

Eat healthy and drink lots of water. Keep sweets and junk food to a minimum

body

Dark inner thighs

Cleanse area with Kojic Acid Soap

Apply Glycolic Acid on the affected areas

Add lightening cream on affected area (Kojiglo, Hydroquinone, Kojivit)

Driver’s License

I’m literally 23 and I don’t have my driver’s licence yet… I’m done with all my courses but I just need to practice a little more, study and get it over with. I know I can do it!

Pay for new driver’s licence

Study driving lessons 15 minutes to 1 hour 3-6X/ week

Paid practice 1x/week, practice as much as possible with my sister (1-3x/week)

Do the knowledge test in March, do the road test in May/June

🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

Things to do during that phase

- Start my side business (high income skill)

- Save up an extra 25K (hoeing) during that phase because I'll be off work for a few months after surgery

- Keep my place/room organized

Phase 2: Plastic surgery and recovery

Duration: August to October 2023 (3 months)

Surgery: BBL, Lipo 360 and chin lipo

What do I want from my bbl?

I want a natural looking slim, curvy look. I already have a great foundation. I just want to enhance what I already have. Slimmer waist, fill up my hip dips, lipo arms and inner thighs

Contact surgeon assistant as soon as I reach 80kg (176lbs) and schedule surgery for 3 months later to give myself some time to lose the remaining pounds (10kg/22lbs)

Stop touring 3 weeks before surgery date to get ready

Start packing and buying essential surgery supplies a month or 2 before surgery

Already research your post-op care (masseuses, Faja brands, etc.) before even getting surgery

Take iron supplements to make sure that my hemo level is good

Surgery: boob job *2024*

Breast lift with implants booked for March 2024

I want bigger boobs but not the porn star aesthetic. I want to be a trophy wife more than a play doll

Lift and add 300-450cc implants (round silicone moderate plus implants)

Phase 3: Start going out, network and date

I want to meet more likeminded girls, have a roster of quality high earner men and network with people in the right circle. I plan on getting out of my little bubble once I look the part (weight loss, style, makeup, hair, etc.). I already know that people judge one another based on their looks. Look the best to attract the best

A few tips ✨

It’s important to have the right attitude. Smile often and ask questions. Don’t push it and also let them reciprocate.

Clean up your social media and remove pictures that don’t reflect the kind of woman you want to be (too sexy, trashy, etc.)

How to meet likeminded people?

Be aware of the events going on in your city (or others if you plan on traveling somewhere) and go to places that resonate with the lifestyle that you want

Sign up for workshops and classes about things that you enjoy doing or want to get better at (ex: yoga, cooking, arts, ballet, pole dancing, etc.)

Join bumble BFF, MeetUp or other tech platforms that would help you meet people

Volunteer with a local nonprofit

Find a church or other spiritual service

Go out often and always smile and look approachable (no resting bitch face) + have on a nice perfume.

Elegant lounge and have a drink while reading a book

Go out shopping and if you see a girl who seems nice, ask her if the dress that you want to buy would suit you

Go to an nice coffee shop and work there

Sign up to group classes and always look your best and approachable

Specific to dating

Dating apps (not more than 2 at the same time) ex: bumble, tinder, blk, match.com, POF, etc.

Always look your best and go out often in the nice area of time. (grocery shopping, gym, restaurant, cafés, malls)

Look up conferences or other big events that high earning men will attend and make sure to be there or to have lunch somewhere close

Have a roster of minimum 3 guys

[lostcryptids]

the movie selfie dad is an actual movie about a failed comic from the 90s that has a life he hates like his wife makes him sit in church and he hates it but starts making youtube videos and becomes happy after. truly this man was miserable before because his parents are dead, and in a sad backstory moment he talks about how his dad’s heart exploded while he was at a traffic light. like in the movie his cause of death was his “heart exploding” i’m not saying that for comedic effect. then the movie becomes super religious and some guy at work writing his thesis about jesus convinces selfie dad that he needs to read the bible because he cannot communicate with his children by just speaking with them. like selfie dad is talking about how he can’t get control of his life because there’s a thing that happens in the movie where his teen daughter goes missing and they call the cops and the cops ask for dental records and the movie gets REALLY dark and they start praying that she isn’t dead. also his son called him a liar because he said he would let him edit his youtube videos and he never did. i forgot to mention youtube in this movie is called UTOO. and selfie dad posts a video on his channel about how he loves the bible and then he gets a bunch of hate comments and everyone unsubs from him. he also gets arrested at some point for not giving the cop his license and offering him a selfie dad mug (a bribe) (he is filming this whole thing) at some point a woman that owns a comedy website comes onto selfie dad and sends him what we can only assume is a pussy picture, despite only meeting him once. he sends her a text back and says something about how he could never betray his wife. and his wife later reveals she SAW THE PICTURE and was praying for him all night. they don’t address the fact that his wife goes through his pictures and texts at all. basically what this movie is leading us to believe is that selfie dad turning to the bible ruined his life in multiple ways. well the movie ends with selfie dad’s bible jesus videos becomes really popular and there’s a montage of real people, stock footage, and a religious song playing at the end. also his teenage daughter starts dating the grown man that made him get into the bible. ok 

[surumarssi]

It’s been a long time since I made Future from Sayer Podcast another playlist.

Annotations under the cut. I will make a youtube version if someone asks.

The Silicone Veil - Susanne Sundfør

I'm a larva wrapped in silk; I am dying in burning flesh Let me out, let me ache Let me out, let me ache and itch

-

I carry their caskets, I sing them good night They're better off without me

Stay Ugly - Crim3s

I'll watch you fade away Won't think of you as gone Forever in a dream, you'll never be alone I'll watch you fade away Won't think of you as gone Forever falls away and now you're lost in memory Stay ugly, stay ugly, stay ugly for me

-

Together in a nightmare, we're always alone I'll watch you breathe the day Through sadness live on Together stays forever and believes in sympathy

Running Up That Hill - Chromatics

You don't want to hurt me But see how deep the bullet lies Unaware I'm tearing you asunder Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts Is there so much hate for the ones we love? Tell me, we both matter, don't we?

Beta Beast - Machine Girl

Sound like a freak on a leash (All of humanity) A dog with sharper teeth (All of humanity) I bite through it (All of humanity) The free will to lose it (Fuck all humanity x8)

-

Pick your poison lots of poison pray to god it ends your torment

If Life Is A Gift, It’s In Very Poor Taste - Street Sects

I gave all I had to a fantasy Now my only desire is to quiet my mind My future will never appeal to anyone When I'm alone in my chair I swear Never again Will I trust anyone

Cop Car - Mitski

I get mean when I'm nervous like a bad dog I get mean when I'm nervous like a bad dog I want to jump into blue water And I miss riding horses, I miss running fast I miss riding horses, I miss running fast I was meant for running fast I pretended you were mine, it made me calm, babe

Coul as a Ghoul - The Voidz

The House Is Alive and The House Is Hungry - The Paper Chase

I love you, do you love me? Let's set our hair on fire Let's twist our bodies down over coals Let's give them something they can't ignore I love you, do you love me? Let's set our house on fire Let's cast a mirror right back at fear Let's show this world we were here

Vena Cava - Angelspit

You look very beautiful (beautiful) Deranged, debauched, denude on that stainless steel cot Enter Herr surgeon Take up the Bowie knife and play join the dots

Atoth a Go!! Go!! - Machine Girl

Teardrop - Massive Attack

Animal Rites - John Congleton and the Nighty Nite

And this is a plan for full dressed mayhem An unquiet mind, biology kicks virtue's ass every time I am a bad man What I want is release and you can give that to me Go on and call the police, I am happy and good But goodness you all have to look out for me, that's right

Violent Games - POLIÇA

Confessions of a Blackheart - Genitorturers

I'm strange but I'm sane Won't play their game

Scroll of Sorrow - Machine Girl

My ugliness is not my fault I know God just made me wrong Bang my head against the wall I hate myself the more you talk

-

Is it all just smoke and mirrors? Am I a victim of your theatre? Retribution for your bliss I consumed it all just like a tick You're me improved, it makes me sick You turned my heart into a fist You need to know how I have felt I'll drag you down with me to hell

Wreak Havoc - Angelspit

I am beyond god, I am human I am the razor blade on the Communion tray I am a freak in control, not a control freak I am the sheep that got away I am burning but never consumed Determined with nothing to lose I am who I am, who I am, who I am Who am I?

Грустная Сука - IC3PEAK

я никогда не точила клыки // I never sharpened my fangs

я сразу была рождена острозубой // I’ve been sharp-toothed since I was born

грустная сука, грустная сука // Sad bitch, sad bitch

да, это мой осознанный // Yeah, it’s my conscious choice

-

здесь мне никто не хозяин // Nobody owns me here

лакшари лайф - не мой стайл // Luxury life’s not my style

я люблю грязь - это мой кайф // I love dirt, it’s my bliss

улыбаюсь только кусая // I only smile when I bite

Splatter! - Machine Girl

I'll rot and fuck up my life But I thrive inside the terror I am a wasted universe I am not a lost cause, watch me-

[eveenstar]

ᴄᴏʟᴅ sᴛᴀʀs (ᴍᴀʀᴋᴜs x ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ)

Summary: You’ve been a gifted child since you could remember, and even though most say it’s a good gift, you feel like this is more of a curse. A death curse.

Tags/Warnings: Attempted suicide, overall angsty and sad. 

Note: This is probably the most heavy one-shot I’ve written so far. Also, this is my first time writing for Detroit: Become Human so hello people and let’s pray Tumblr doesn’t mess up my tags again :D I wrote this with Markus bc he’s my favourite and one of my comfort characters. The idea came up with this vid youtube and bc this day has been rather dull for me. Please, anyone who struggles with depression (or any other) and has suicidal thoughts, you are not alone and I’m here if you want a listening ear. 

You glanced over to the glowing street lights. The diverse cars going left, right or straight ahead to their future. You wish you could have that future, but you couldn't. At least, you felt like you couldn't. Focusing enough, you'd hear the sirens, the phones ringing and the chatting of the people above you. This building was tall enough to almost touch the sky, but that was your imagination; it only took you 10 minutes to climb up the stairs and get to the rooftop. Was this really the ending for you?

You let out a nervous breath, your mind floating into old memories. You were a gifted child since you could remember, but everyone around you overlooked that. You knew you were special, you knew you were different from the others. However, it didn't matter anymore. Your life was ruined because people were careless. Why have a child if you don't plan on loving them? You were left with your own conclusions to why you were different, so you distorted it and later, you felt guilty for being different.

The cold wind kissed your cheeks as you stared at the pale moon, which seemed to be gloomily staring back at you. All those stars out there, hanging on the dark sky, remind you of yourself. They all seem so alive, yet if you look close enough, they're dead. Just like you. You stared at the even vaster buildings in front of you, then back down at the busy streets. Your heart jumped at the thought of falling. Would it hurt much? Or maybe you weren't going to feel a thing.

Markus.

How would Markus react to your death? He probably hasn't noticed you've been gone for long, but he most definitely did. He's not a human, he's much more intelligent than one. Is he looking for you right now? You wished, you deeply wished you wouldn't hurt him but you can't take the pain anymore. Not just any pain, it's the hollowness inside. You laugh, you smile, you have your happy moments but the emptiness is still there. Eating you alive, destroying and burning you from the inside out. Maybe in an alternate reality, you're happy. Not this one thought, this one has been a bumpy road of life.

Cold tears fell from your eyes, they were as cold as your hands. You tried warming them, but you weren't wearing any good winter clothing for that, and now they're red. Probably not a good sign. The snow reminded you of christmas, and in fact, it would be in two weeks. You told Markus you wanted to decorate the tree this weekend, and now he'll have to do it alone. A quiet sob escaped your lips; how much you missed to do that every single christmas, for some reason you found it peaceful. Not that christmas is a huge thing for you, because it isn't, it stopped being important after childhood. After you realized how much in your life is wrong. After that hollow hole in your chest grew. You can't remember how it was to live without any trauma or mental issue. You could use a hug now.

"(Y/N)?"

You gasped and quickly turned around, just to meet Markus, your boyfriend.

"Markus?"

There was a silence, an extreme silence. You didn't know what to say, but you also didn't need to. He already knew what you were planning to do, and if he arrived just a couple of minutes later, you'd be gone in the blink of an eye. But for now, you were here. Markus tried analyzing your expression; Despair, fear, sadness.

He stretched his hand to you, silently begging you to take it and leave the edge of the roof.

"Please," Markus said, "Come to me, sweetheart."

As if time had stopped itself, you stared at the android. A part of you wanted to accept it, and the other didn't.

You don't know what happened, but your feet moved towards him and you rushed onto his arms. Letting out uncontrollable sobs and apologizes, you hid your face in his chest.

"It's okay, it's okay, I'm here now, " A harsh breath escaped past his lips, "I love you so much, I'm here for you. We'll get through this together."

He almost lost you, the love of his life. He'll make sure you get all the help you need, and Markus will make sure you know you aren't alone in this journey. 

[the-mercurial-star-o-vesper]

I HEARD A SCREAM...

… in the woods somewhere.

What do you know about the Walten Files?

Theater Ahead. I like a good dramatic show, so I’m going to add some flaire. Some will be references, some will be questions, some will just be me being weird. Its all good fun, I assure you. Stuff like this usually is. The song being referenced is Hozier’s “In the Woods”.

Horror Ahead. Do Not Consume after Dark. Do Not Consume until 18+. If you cannot stand blood, body horror, horror and terror, the dark, and murderous robots, this is your final warning. Turn away. For some things should remain in darkness, and we only have a lighter for company…

Spoilers Ahead. If you haven’t seen the Walten Files, I’d watch them. I’d recommend some theory videos then, to make some sense of what you saw. We’re plunging into the dark and the deep, and the story here has both a helpful narrative and a malicious one. Someone is trying to help us, but someone is trying to stop us…

 [Safety in Pills, Sophie]

A brief summary, the Walten Files (made by Martin Walls on Youtube) are a VHS style horror-mystery series on Youtube, taking inspiration from both the Lost VHS FNAF videos and FNAF itself.

Our (Main) Animatronics this time around are: - Bon, the Bonnie-inspired central character. Definitely, explicitly, implied to be possessed by one Jack Walten, who is the center of our supernatural stuff. Whatever is going on, it leads back to Jack. We have not seen Jack Walten’s death scene, and that’s one of our biggest mysteries. Bon is HOSTILE DO NOT TOUCH. - Bannie, a purple female bunny character. Explicitly implied to be possessed by one Susan Woodings. She have a lot of implication of her death, but nothing confirmed. - Boozoo, what appears to be a human(like) circus master looking character. Implied to be possessed by one Charles (Walten?); we have not had any scenes, as of this writing, on when or how Charles died, only implication that he is possessing Boozoo. - Sha, a white female Sheep character (too easily mistaken for a Poodle). We know she’s possessed by one Rosemary Walten. We watched it happen. - Billy, a Clown animatronic. Likely possessed by one Ashley P, as we got to listen to her death screams as Bon stuffed her into the animatronic. Billy the Clown has a list of names on a tape, overriding a birthday party song.

Now, I’m not gonna go through any Mass Story theories and I’m not going to make a timeline, but I am going to point out some things I saw and found. Minitheories, probably, lots of speculation, maybe, and mayhaps, we’ll get some stepping stones. [You do not have all the clues to solve this]

 0. DEATH OF THE AUTHOR (OF THE RECORDING) … I clutched my life, and wished it kept.

Notice how every File ends in a Death? Mostly the Deaths of the Employees who made the ending video? File 3 is going to be interesting…

CONSIDERATIONS: - If the 3D distorting face was Bon’s recognition software, does it also have something to do with why Brian’s face was beyond recognition? A horrifying turn of events, if Bon was actively trying to make his head as the 3D imaging was trying to make the Identification fit some sort of Criteria.

 1. CRYING ANIMATRONICS … I saw new eyes were watching me.

One thing that separates Bon’s Animatronics from FNAF’s is that these guys cry. When in cartoon form, they’ll do one of two kinds of crying: Actual sadness and tears, which is to be expected from cartoons, and the black stream, which is to be expected from horror.

But there is importance here.

For one thing, they only seem to do this (except in one case, but we’ll get to that) when encountering certain entities.

For example, our mystery sprite, which I’m dubbing the “Shadow With Eyes”.

In the cartoon, where Sha introduces us to the K9 Facility, the Shadow With Eyes appeared on the second time we entered the Basement, blocking the bottom doorway. [How odd, I remember we visited this room already]

When she finally appears on screen, Sha starts crying with tears. (Her poster has blacked out eyes). When she attempts to go down to the blocked doorway, either into or through the Shadow With Eyes, the scene glitches / crashes.

The poster is crying the dark streams, and so is Sha.

Not long after, we’re introduced to the story and death of Rosemary.

We are treated with the image of her cartoon dismembered corpse, and to Bon, with bloodied hands (and a bloodied leg?), as he stuffed the pieces into Sha. However… He’s caught in the act, as the screen turns from black to white (lights on?) and the Shadow With Eyes walks through the Employee’s Only door. Sha is distorted…

But Bon is crying Black Streams.

We have been introduced to this before. The first animatronic who “cried” was Bon from the first File, with the dark streams, implied to be blood. And when he did this, it was in the middle of Brian Stells’ video recording.

Is it possible that the Shadow With Eyes is an Employee? Perhaps even a Facility Caretaker? It does appear in the K9 Facility, and the purple uniform is shown being worn by an Employee in the Relocate Project video as they pack Billy into a moving Van.

But wait.

What about Bannie? She cries tears, then cries black streams / blood. But there doesn’t appear to be anyone around.

But her room was glitching too, wasn’t it? She couldn’t leave, the doorways kept her inside. She was trying to get out, trying to get the “Owner’s” attention.

Perhaps… She had a Witness who ignored her.

[There’s something missing here…]

QUESTIONS: - Who is the Shadow With Eyes? Are they a Facility Caretaker? - Who was the poor bastard who walked in on Rosemary’s murder? - Does this give reason why Bon attacked Brian?

 2. LOOKIN’ FOR FRIENDS … I called your name till the fever broke.

Bannie introduced us to the Animatronic expressions, and while it doesn’t appear to be relevant yet. I should note, that when Bon (or someone) called Rosemary backstage at Bon’s Burgers… His eyes were also in “LOOKING FOR FRIENDS” mode, before settling on Rosemary. The same mode Bannie was tested on, before settling on the Viewer / Recorder.

QUESTIONS: - The Mode was introduced by the Revisions, so how the Hell did Bon have it years before? - Bon talks?

3. BACKROOM … I turned and ran, to save a life I didn’t have.

In the introductory cartoon with Sha, Sha tries to explain what the three doors have. But when she gets to the third door [Oh what does it Hide], her face distorts. With small blank black eyes, and a mouth that was clearly edited to be upside down [make that smile turn into a frown].

We do see this later. With Ashley P’s portrait with her friends, as she is being murdered or worse by Bon… After going into the Backrooms.

Every Facility Caretaker (and Tech it seems) is given a small key, and that small key goes to the Backrooms.

The Backrooms hide something, and its possible that it hides Billy (an Animatronic implied to have been on Stage, but not stored with the other Stage Animatronics) and a tape with the names (A hitlist?). But the end text says that Ashley “Saw” something, not listened.

QUESTIONS: - Was the Third Door the Backroom as the editing Implies? - Why are the Main Animatronics stored separately from all the ones in the Backrooms? - If the Techs were supposed to repair the animatronics, why not just take the endoskeletons and other parts from the Backroom, and place them where they can be easily found and thus make things go faster? - What did Ashley see, if it wasn’t the tape? Was it Billy? Another strange animatronic? (the Gray Rabbit?) - If there is something in the Backrooms meant to be hidden, why give a Key to the Employees at all? Why not keep it with those who are “in the Know”? Its almost as if someone wants something to be found… Murderous Bunny notwithstanding.

4. NAMES ARE IMPORTANT ... I prayed my mind be good to me.

The names of the characters all have meanings, and some of them might be important: - JACK - Gracious; Supplanter; Man - WALTEN - Foreigner; Wood; Wall; Stream; Ruler - ROSEMARY - Rose + Mary - SUSAN - Lily Flower; Rose - WOODINGS - Wood Cutting; Mad (?) - CHARLES - Man; Free Man; Warrior; Army - BRIAN - High; Noble - STELLS - Stella? Star. - ASHLEY - Ash Meadow; Ash Tree Meadow - ANTHONY - Son of Herakles; Priceless One; Flower - FELIX - Lucky - KRANKEN - Suffer (... Now that’s an interesting last name) + MARY - Bitter; Beloved; Rebelliousness; Wished-For-Child; Marine; Drop of the Sea. + HERAKLES - Glory of Hera + HERA - Beloved; Air

- SOPHIE - SOPHIA. Wisedom; Skill; Cleverness; Intelligence [Be Wise] CONSIDERATIONS: There are themes of knowledge, light, darkness, blindness, and last I checked... We do have a “holy” entity, Sophia, from Gnosticism and Gnosticism deals in themes of Knowledge, Light, Darkness and Blindness. A demiurge that created a suffering world... A world in darkness... A world where man suffers...

Hm...

[... With knowledge but never with...]

5. Sy05 (?) [?] … I spoke no words, no sound he made.

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

 To be continued as the series continues.

How many years I’ll know I’ll bear I found something in the woods somewhere.

[brooklyns-writing-corner]

This short story is inspired by WarpSpeks’s Kirk and Bones video on YouTube! The song is I’d Lie by Taylor Swift, and lyrics will be used in the story as a challenge for myself. Note: Some lyrics were either replaced by other words, or changed up a little bit to make sense.

I’d Lie

It’s a little past midnight as I drove the rental car across the city of San Francisco to get to the police station with a displeased look on my face. Once again, Jim got in a bar fight, and now I have to be the one to bail him out. “Like always,” I sighed aloud, shaking my head.

I turned at the last light and there stood the station—on my right, one block down. I pulled into the parking lot and parked in one of the stalls before making my way out of the vehicle. I felt embarrassed, considering the amount of times I came here before to pick up my friend.

On some occasions I would go to the bar with him, have a few drinks (but I made sure not to drink as many). It was one of the only ways that I could keep him out of trouble, but this week I couldn’t—the long hospital hours kept me. 

I entered, a few individuals glancing over at me before going back to whatever they were doing. In a seat on the far side of the room, sat Jim Kirk holding his head in his hands. Earlier I had called the precinct that I would be coming, and I sighed again to myself, but it was more soft this time. I walked to the front and paid the fee before making my way over to the blond. I nudged his shoulder.

Jim looked up almost instantly, which caused him to wince and bring his hand to his face again. “Oh, hey, Bones,” he smiled meekly. “What are you doing here?”

“Don’t you act innocent, kid. You know what I’m here for.” I tucked a hand under his arm and hoisted him up out of his chair, guiding the swaying man outside. It wasn’t until I helped him get in the car and whatnot that I began driving us back to our dorm. I spared a few glances at Jim as I drove; I don’t think that passenger seat has ever looked this good to me. 

It wasn’t long before we arrived back at our place at the StarFleet Academy grounds. I have Jim’s arm slung around my shoulders, listening to him as he tells me about his nights… And all I can do is count the colors in his eyes.

I let the blond collapse onto his bed as I started to take off his shoes and jacket, leaving them by the door. “I’ll never fall in love,” he swears groggily as he lazily runs his fingers through his hair. I’m now laughing ‘cause I hope he’s wrong. I know what I’m thinking! It’s just… 

Jim’s always getting into someone’s pants; always doing one-night stands. You could even say I’m a little jealous. Not like I’m saying I want a one night thing; I want an actual relationship.

I’m not saying that I hate what we have already. I’m not saying I don’t want to be friends with Jim anymore. I’m saying that I want something more than just friends; I wish I could say I want something more than friends.

And I don’t think it ever crossed his mind—he tells a joke, I fake a smile—but I know all his favorite songs.

Days pass at a time—it’s been almost two and a half years since I met him—and I already know so much more about him than anyone else—which surprises me most of all. And I could tell you his favorite color’s green. He loves to argue a lot (mostly when it comes to certain subjects like StarFleet protocols), born on the twenty-second, he was.

Although what got to me was when he started to call Nyota ‘sis’ (“Thanks, sis,” Jim said once to Nyota after she said he could borrow her notes for xenobiology). But thank God he explained soon after: he and Nyota grew closer as friends—spending more time together in xenobiology, going out shopping on some occasions—and soon they both started calling each other ‘bro’ and ‘sis’ subconsciously (“Subconsciously my ass,” I joked). But, no matter, she is beautiful.

He has his father’s eyes, I noticed, when Jim was showing me pictures of him and his family. I could see the sad look on his face when bringing out pictures of his father. I understood his pain, more or less. Losing a father was difficult, yes. But losing your father on the day you were born was different. I wrapped an arm around his shoulders in a side hug, rubbing my thumb on his bicep to comfort him. 

And if you asked me if I love him, I’d lie.

It was now Monday morning, the sun hadn't risen yet and I saw Jim sit up in his bed (even though I wasn’t fully awake yet). Eventually I do get up, though, and I head to the bathroom. Coming out newly dressed, I can see as he’s now looking around the room, obviously innocently overlooking the truth that he’s had another date over. “Shouldn’t a light go on once you’re awake?” I ask the computer to turn up the lights and head to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Sometimes I just wonder: doesn’t he know that I’ve had him memorized for so long?

He sees everything black and white.

Never does he let nobody see him cry. 

There have been a handful of times when he’d cry in front of me—and from what I know, I’m the only person he allows himself to cry in front of. I was always there for him: I would get him a glass of water before sitting next to him on the bed, holding him in my arms. Before then he’d be asleep, and I’d help him under the covers. And if it ever came to him missing a class, I’d write him up a doctor’s note and leave him a message.

I care about him like that. And I don’t let nobody see me wishing he was mine.

And if you asked me if I love him, I’d lie.

A few times each week we’d have lunch together, listening to each other rant about the teachers we hate or the long hours of work. And whenever it was time to part ways to our different classes, he would stand there, but then walk away without another word. My God, If I could only say, “I’m holding every breath for you.”

He’d never tell you, but he can play guitar. I had caught him playing the instrument, coming back from the hospital at 2000 hours. His back was turned from me, and I had to be quiet coming in. I couldn’t help but stand there in amazement at how good he was. Although, it wasn’t until I accidentally dropped my bag that he stopped playing, whirling around to look at me wide-eyed. 

“Shit, I, uh, I’m sorry!” I rush in saying, stuttering as I reach for my bag again. I could feel my face heat up in embarrassment. I stand up again, and this time he’s standing too, his guitar strap still on his shoulders. 

“Don’t apologize; it’s okay.” Jim chuckles a little nervously. “I didn’t know you were here. I’ll go ahead and put this awa—”

“No!” I cut him off, making him go silent. “Sorry. I mean don’t stop playing. That sounded great! Why would you put it away just because I’m here?”

He shrugs. “I just never played in front of anyone before. It’s just something I do when I’m alone.”

“Oh, well, I’m sorry for disturbing you.” I say sincerely.

“Again, it's fine, Bones.” He chuckles again, but it doesn’t sound nervous anymore. It was silent before he asked, “Want to come sit with me?” 

And then there we were: sitting close together on Jim’s bed while he plays the guitar. He even let me play a few strings, and we’re smiling. We look at each other, and I think he can see through everything but my heart. 

First thought when I wake up is “My God, he’s beautiful.” I realized that I must’ve fallen asleep on his bed the previous night.

Slowly I sit up, careful not to wake Jim as I then tip toe into the bathroom. I sigh, the door closing behind me with a soft hiss. So now I’m getting dressed, and praying for a miracle.

Yes, I could tell you his favorite color’s green. He loves to argue, oh, and it kills me. His sister’s beautiful, he has his father’s eyes.

“And if you asked me if I love him,” I choke back tears. “And if you asked me if I love him…

“I’d lie.”

[excatholicatheistace]

My Cult Story Part II: A Prayer to Take Authority

If you missed part one, go look for it! I'm sharing about how I accidentally joined an obscure Catholic Charismatic cult as a college student and endured Spiritual Abuse (Trigger Warning!).

.

The alleged Visionary who started the group (The official name of the group was "the Sharers of the Word") was a woman out of Canada named Frances Phillips. She claimed to hear the voice of God like we hear our friends and neighbors speaking to us. God allegedly gave her messages about how to navigate the modern world, particularly about how to unlock the gifts of the Holy Spirit and about the dangers of Satan and Demons.

It's hard to find information about her as the group kept things very secretive. Her writings are hiding where only a select few people can find them. She claims God instructed this because, "People would only misunderstand them." And so, instead of sharing her writings with the world, she developed a model where she taught a select few people (one of them being our leader, Fr. Brad) the teachings and they would bring them out to people in the form of prayer groups. This was supposed to help retain accuracy.

It's been over a decade since I was in the group and I realized I never tried to seek out other survivors. So, I tried to find any evidence of this group existing, hoping to find an obscure forum somewhere where people talked about the abuse they went through (or even just mention of a prayer meeting). But if it ever was searchable via Google, they did a great job of scrubbing the internet. I think it's more likely that people are too intimidated or isolated to talk about it. (I have reached out to some of my peers at the time and none of them have felt comfortable talking about their experiences in any sort of public fashion).

The only things I was able to find after searching for days:

- A Public Facebook group called "Sharers of the Word on the Rez." The group doesn't seem very active. The person running it posts a YouTube video with prayers every so often imploring people to try to get to 2,000 Hail Marys.

- A few blogs where it was obvious that the priests running them had encountered the group and were utilizing some of the teachings, but never said they were affiliated with them officially.

-And (for some reason this one unsettles me and I can't explain why): one of the prayers Frances Philips wrote to help "combat evil." It exists on a few different websites. None of them attribute the prayer to her or to any author.

.

The prayer is called A Prayer to Take Authority. I don't want to take up too much room by adding it here, but if you Google it, you should be able to find it easily. The prayer is about using your authority via baptism and the Name of Jesus to to bind evil spirits in the air, water, ground, etc.

I always found the prayer odd when I was in the group. I was Catholic at the time and this was supposedly a Catholic Group, but Catholics don't really believe lay people should "take authority" over spirits without proper training. The friar who was teaching us assured us that this prayer was given to Frances Phillips directly from God and that it had a "powerful anointing attached to it." We were supposed to pray it every single day in the morning before we "prayed for the anointing*" otherwise demons could ruin our prayer time and we wouldn't receive the anointing*. They also encouraged you to pray it before entering a car, before going to Mass, before taking exams, before bed, and any time you felt like you were experiencing a "spiritual attack" (something they believed to be a common experience that most people simply aren't aware of).

*"The Anointing" is Frances Phillip's main teaching. It's supposedly a manifestation of the Holy Spirit upon you that guided you throughout the day. They claimed you could feel the anointing on your hands as a tingling or burning sensation when you open your hands in an open posture to receive it. They also claimed you might feel it on your head, like oil dripping down. You could lose the anointing if you sinned or otherwise went against God's will. You can receive the anointing in many ways, but they believed the most powerful way was to pray A Prayer to Take Authority and then do Praise and Worship (complete with tongues). There was a formula for the Praise and Worship for it to be the most affective as well, always ending with the same song (https://hymnary.org/text/spirit_of_the_living_god_fall_iverson)

.

I ended Part One by sharing how Fr. Brad told me not to go home for the summer. He warned me about the evil spirits there and that I would miss out on "blessings" because everyone else was going to Canada to meet with a peer of his (another understudy of Frances Phillips), who had a powerful gift of healing. He told me that this would be my opportunity to receive the Gift of Healing for myself (He knew I was drawn to it, because I wanted so desperately to help people).

I do genuinely feel like this was an attempt to isolate me from my biggest support system, my family. Luckily, I didn't listen, but as I left I felt a deep sadness at the possibility of missing out on something that I cared deeply about (The Gift of Healing). On top of that, all my friends were staying and were going to Canada with him. I was the only one who didn't stay behind.

That summer I didn't pray A Prayer to Take Authority every day and I didn't pray for the Anointing every day despite calls from the friars. They reminded me of the dangers I was encountering at home and implored me to keep my guard up. But, deep down I knew it was bullshit and I just lived my life.

(To be continued)

[ilegnangeli]

Random June Thought #1

I think I may have to be the most sentimental person I know. Or maybe not sentimental but mental. Just kidding. So I’ve shared that whenever I go back home, I get pretty sentimental. And it’s really true.

Maybe because I get to see my parents. My aging parents. And I get reminded of how fast and finite life is.

I have so many things planned for them but I feel like I’m running out of time. Whenever people ask me what I want to have in the future, I don’t answer them with having a family of my own but instead I want to see my family members safe and healthy. I want to spend a longer time with them. Never mind getting married or having a family of my own. Just seeing my family members’ good health and seeing them living a good life will be more than enough for me.

The thing is I almost always get to do heart to heart talks with my family when I meet with them. I get to speak with my father and his plans for the future. I get to chat with my mother about where she wants to go and what she wants to do. I get pretty sentimental because I love these people. I love my parents so much. And I want to honor them as much as I can, spoil them as much as I can. But I’m so short on time. I only get to visit them once a month and it pains me that I need to say goodbye ever so often.

I’m not a kid anymore but I still am a kid in my parents’ eyes. I love that my parents are so loving and unconditional when it comes to providing love, care, and attention to us—their children and of course, grandchildren. I love that I grew up with the parents I have now. I’m grateful that I get to experience life with them as my parents. I love that I have a generous father and a loving mother. Their combination is perfect. So thank You, God. Thank you for giving me these parents. I am eternally grateful.

Today’s Father’s Day. It's funny because since the ‘rents, me, and my younger sister are vaccinated, we get to celebrate together. With my aunt and cousins, too. And little Batuti who had to come along because there will be no one to look after him in our condo. Lmao

Anyway, today was a really good day. An emotional one, too. On the way home, as my cousin drove us back to the Metro, my aunt and I had this conversation about the future. She asked me about my plans. She asked me about my plans for the house where my parents are living. She asked me about the future—my future. I told her I don’t think about getting married. Because I feel like in the short span of time remaining with my parents, I just want to spoil them. I want to give them the life they deserve. I just want to provide for them. Because no one else will do that for them. All my older siblings are married, busy with their lives, and busy their own families.

Plus, I’m afraid of becoming a parent myself. I don’t know if I could be as loving or as caring as Mama Duay. I don’t know of I could ever be as hardworking and generous as Papa Henry. I don’t know if I can call myself a mother, a parent in the future. I’m not sure if I want my future children to grow up in this specific environment. I don’t know how I will be able to raise strong, independent, and caring children. I’m so afraid for them to experience pain and suffering here. I’m not sure if I could take it—just watching them grow up while struggling. I don’t know. I don’t want them to feel the same things I’ve felt—I'm feeling—here. I’m not sure they deserve this kind of life. It’s so hard to live here. My God, just thinking about this makes me tear up.

Life is hard. And I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want to raise children because I expect them to give something in return for the life I’ve provided for them. I don’t want that.

But then I think about my parents. What they want for me. I feel like sometimes, when I talk about my crush during meals, my dad gets pretty silent and a little jealous because I seriously sound like I want to settle down. Lmao I feel like my mom always says that my crush is gay because she feels that—at the same time—she doesn’t want to give me away. (Dear crush, if you only knew how much I have thought about our future together lol. Thank God, you’ll never know though.)

What’s funny is that sometimes I feel like my parents WANT me to settle down with someone. So that they could be at peace. Damn, this is going to make me cry so hard. I don’t want to cry, I’ve been crying over the weekend. My heart can’t take it anymore lmao. If the world gave me money for every tear I dropped or every ounce of tear that came down my face, I’d be swimming in a pool of money. Dammit. But life, life is much harder. And I can only write about life because that’s how I roll. So in case you’re reading this in the future, SELF. I hope you’re in a much better place. I’m praying for the future of us. This is me from the past saying hello.

On our drive home, I spoke with my aunt about how I was planning to travel with my parents before the pandemic. I wanted to bring my parents abroad. I wanted to bring them to the places I’ve been and experience those places with them. I still want that. I will do that. Please COVID-19, go away.

I also told my aunt that I wanted to bring my dad back to Ilocos. He loves that place. My parents are both from Visayas. Papa is Waray, Mama is Bisaya. How they ended up together? That’s a story for another time. But my dad was stationed in Ilocos for some time, way before I came into their life, and they lived there for some time with two of my ugly ass brothers. Sorry I always call my siblings ugly asses—it’s my endearment. While my elder sister and eldest brother were in Samar. Parents married early, both were 18 at the time of marriage. But despite that they were able to raise their children. I feel like writing about their life—maybe one day I could write about our lives. Soon? Lol anywho, Papa loves Ilocos and I want to bring him back there. With the fam. If God will give me enough time with my parents, I hope to be able to bring them abroad, too. At least once.

I wish I could win the lottery. So that I could do all these things faster. Buy that house I’ve always wanted to have in Presello lmao. Give the life I want to give to my parents and my younger sister. Spoil my nephews and niece to oblivion. And prolly purchase a guy who would love to settle with me. I’m just kidding. I always joke about becoming rich and just buying men. But that also scares the shit outta me. Imagine, what if he’s a serial killer? And he only marries me because he wants my money? Hmm, those are some thoughts to ponder. So much for watching true crime shit on YouTube.

So I’m going back to my original plans. Get those education units. Get that teaching license. If God permits me, get that graduate degree. Leave the country. Never look back. LMAAAAOOOO, girl. Hopefully these aren’t wishful thinking. Because istg, I want a better life for my family. If it means I’ll never get married, then so be it. HAHAHAHA.

Anyway, happy father’s day to all you dads out there. I hope you had a great celebration with your families. I had a great one today. And I loved every moment of it. I wish I could celebrate more with my family. I miss us eating out together. We’re big bunch, you see. And I get a little bit too sentimental when I get reminded of the past because right now, in this pandemic, we can’t do that. But thank God for technology, right? We get to video chat our loved ones and celebrate with them even when they’re far away. But then again, these social media networking sites aren’t meant to substitute for real-time, face to face conversations. They’re just here for interim purposes (this line reminds me of my journalism paper back in uni yo!).

I have so many things I want to share, so many things have happened today. Actually over the weekend and I want to write about it. But let’s just leave this post here. Let’s park this topic. Oh man, my brain wants to write more but I don’t want to end this on a sad note.

Mondays are the worst. I want to face tomorrow with a smile. I want to work harder, become better, and then leave with a light heart. My God, I pray for this anxious heart of mine to please calm tf down. Hahaha.

Cheer up, self. Things will get better.

P.S. I am addicted to TWICE's Alcohol Free. This song is my last song syndrome.

[headtothecoast]

buzzfeed unsolved!geraskier

monsters do very much exist and geralt is still a witcher who is approached during the winter to join buzzfeed after their recent hire jaskier suggested he wanted to look at mysterious historical disappearances and monster lore and do a series on it. the problem is a lot of the information is false and they need help debunking online rumors. so jaskier finds geralts witcher service online (yen dealt with that, basically twisted his arm into having a website) and calls him asking if he’d be interested in doing the series.

hunting isn’t reliable work and having fairly steady income would be nice, even if the guy is a little annoying so geralt agrees to fact check except then jaskiers cohost gets sick (not what really happened to the guy before shane) and he asks him if he could please film an episode or two they were so close to finishing the first season for release and no one else knows the material so geralt agrees to that to.

and when he meets the guy face to face he’s wearing heels and looks a little embarrassed saysing sorry, one of the other series needed a guy to wear heels for a day and i’d already agree to the filming for their episode. hope you don’t mind.

and geralt definitely doesn’t mind because the guy looks good in heels and then geralt is being pestered about being a witcher and wow your hair and eyes, you look like a -

and geralt waits for the word monster with clenched teeth but it doesn’t come

- model! seriously, i’m surprised no ones tried to scout you before...

and while geralt doesn’t exactly listen to the rest of that, he is relieved that the guy isn’t scared of him.

so they get mic’d up and jaskier is explaining how it’ll go and that usually there’s some banter back and forth so if geralt has any thoughts on what he’s talking about to please interrupt him because it’ll lighten what they’re talking about for audience you know and geralt nods and they’re ready to begin.

so jaskier is setting the scene and doing a voice over that is downright lyrical and he’s talking about information on vampires and that the family thought to have gone missing because of one bought several pounds of garlic and geralt snorts quite loudly and jaskiers like what, not enough garlic?

and before he knows it geralt is saying, no it’s just i know who started that rumor, friend of mine knew a guy who was allergic so when he went around complaining about vampires trying to find him by friend told him to fill his house with garlic.

were there actually vampires after him? jaskier asked, smiling.

oh hell no, the guy was anemic. vampires and witcher’s can smell that from miles away, he was having us on and lambert decided to give him a taste of his own medicine.

and the rest of the episode goes like that, geralt reading stories and jaskier commentating and asking questions and between takes geralt asks jaskier why he was so interested in monsters.

well, originally it was because of the songs. you know, the factually inaccurate but beautifully written ballads about werewolves and vampires and harpies and i wondered how much was true? buzzfeed didn’t like that so instead we changed it to more disappearance type stuff because apparently i get too sucked into musical theory... and geralt has no doubt that’s the case.

little by little they become friends. jaskier invites geralt out for drinks and geralt invites jaskier to his house to see the remains of recent kills so jaskier can make the episode more real.

when the first season is released jaskiers cohost quits for unrelated reasons and jaskier is heartbroken, going to geralts house unannounced and crying because he had thought it was good and now no one else would do it with him and before he’s aware of what he’s doing geralt is agreeing to do the series with him. so long as it doesn’t interfere with hunts and jaskier is hugging him and geralt offers to make dinner and that’s that for the night.

except people love the series and it has an almost overnight following and yes some youtube comments are mean but most people love geralt and his dry humor and jaskier for his bright personality. and sure, sometimes jaskier will read a comment about being over talkative or geralt will find the comments calling him terrifying and monsterous but they always make sure to send each other the good ones.

and maybe during the off season of shooting jaskier has plans to visit geralt but is a little early and doesn’t think he’d mind but when he lets himself in geralt is shirtless and has a nasty wound in his shoulder and is just continuing to bleed so of course jaskier rushes over panicked and helps him stitch himself up and lays him out on the couch because there’s no way he could carry him upstairs so he sleeps on the other couch and prays for geralt to be alright.

and in the morning someone opens geralts front door and it’s a woman with bright blonde hair who’s smiling as she lets herself in and says sorry didn’t mean to wake you, i forgot my laptop and i have a group project later. tell dad to call me when he wakes up so i know he’s alright. thanks for patching him up, when i was over last weekend he told me all about you so it was nice to meet you jaskier and then she’s gone and jaskier is sitting dumbfounded because he didn’t know geralt had a daughter

and geralt is sitting up and looks confused but relaxes when he sees jaskier and says you know i meant to tell you about ciri but it really never came up. i don’t see her mother very often and she spends most of her time there. thank you for fixing me up last night, didn’t realize there’d be two and then he’s standing and jaskier is rushing to sit him back down you could have died did you know that? and geralt is smiling lightly as jaskier talks about how worried he was and oh goodness you must be hungry i’ll bring you something but melitele above don’t you dare stand up again until after breakfast

and then that’s just how things are with them spending the night at each other’s places between prep work for the show and jaskier patching geralt up on hunts until one day jaskier brings up the next topic of the show and geralt freezes.

see, there’s this story about someone called the butcher of blaviken, killed almost 40 men and there’s rumors about what type of monster it was but - geralt? are you okay? geralt!?

and geralt doesn’t realize he’s leaving until he’s in his car and jaskier is calling him but he shuts his phone off and just he couldn’t handle hearing jaskier call him a monster or reliving what had happened.

and thankfully jaskier gives him a day all to himself and doesn’t call him or show up at his place or anything and geralt tries to push those memories out of his head but fails and decides to sleep it off and when he wakes up he can smell something cooking and goes downstairs to see yennefer making breakfast like she had when they were married and his chest feels tight but he sits down and waits for the explanation.

so ciri called me last night saying that a friend of yours, glad you have one of those by the way, had called her crying and saying you had left his place looking upset and you wouldn’t answer your phone and it was maybe something he said about blaviken so she called me. i know you’ve got that little youtube show going and i can only imagine that what this is about but geralt, you can’t keep running from it forever. and her smile is soft like it used to be before they just stopped talking like they used to and he lets himself remember how he’d loved her and he gets up from the table and says thank you yen, for breakfast and gives her a hug which startles her and when she leaves it’s only after geralt texted jaskier to come over to talk

and jaskier comes over anxious and sad and geralt tells him everything about renfri and blaviken and stregobor and jaskier listens quietly and at the end geralt’s face is tucked into jaskiers shoulder and he’s crying and jaskier is telling him they don’t have to do that episode ever and he’ll throw out the file and oh geralt i am so sorry, you’re not a monster sweetheart, it’ll be okay i promise

and whenever people tweet out mean things about geralt on social media jaskier goes feral and doesn’t care about the ramifications and geralt starts to lighten just a little and then one night they’re at a bar and someone sneers at him and jaskier lays the guy out, breaks his nose and geralt is hauling him out of the bar saying what the hell were you thinking you could’ve been arrested jaskier and jaskier isn’t even listening he’s still shouting at the man but he looks and geralt and says serves him right the bastard - i’m not letting people say that shit to you anymore, melitele knows you don’t deserve it. you’re the best man i know geralt you don’t deserve to be treated like shit if i want to punch someone i’ll damn well punch them because no one gets to -

and geralt cuts him off with a kiss because never has someone cared this much, to be angry over the words of others and to resolutely stick with him and defend him. and when jaskier kisses back geralt knows he’ll do anything to keep this man at his side.