#I’m really looking forward to writing the Mal scenes | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

severepeanutartisanhands · 3 months ago

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You just do not miss in anything you write. It’s banger after banger after banger!

There is already a difference in the intimacy scenes compared to that first one, it’s very notable how easy it is for R to slip into a different mindset but be pulled back/fight to pull back into the moment with Taylor. Taylor’s experience is definitely what R needs as it allowed Taylor to recognize there was a problem, identify it, understand, and offer a solution to the problem at hand. That was a really beautiful thing to see. The whole relationship is beautiful. The way R is trying to help with Taylor’s relationship with food while Taylor now tries to help R in her relationship with intimacy, Taylor knowing R in a way not even her teammates know her (the coffee order) and being protective… overall being someone and giving to R what she previously felt she had been, or actually was, missing, it’s all very chefs kiss. I also love seeing the way they take care of each other so effortlessly!

Mal 🤨 the way I want her to see how R is now getting everything Mal denied her and more cause I’m petty lol. I also want someone to say ya snooze ya lose cause girl had four years 🤨 On a serious note I am curious as to who will and how will they address Mal and make her see the borderline emotional abuse (?) or manipulation of the previous situationship and how she is unentitled to feeling and behaving the way she currently is. That feels like a weird way to word that sentence but you get the point. Also now that I think of it, it might just also need to be brought up to or further explored by R as well. I do admit it’s a tough thing to address considering how young they were and how inexperienced. Whatever happens I do trust it’ll all work out as it should in your hands. (But that whole “you used to like it being my business” thing????? Well you used to like R not being your business—as in, only being a fuck buddy for you—so how’s that for a mini dose of your own medicine)

It’s also exciting to see the origin of Alex and R’s conflict in more detail. Unfortunately, I’m not super sure as to what Alex can really do in regards to helping R not give her the hot and cold treatment, but I am excited to see how this storyline plays out as well.

Another thing I’m looking forward to is either further exploring or resolving the tension and issues between R and the certain people that are mentioned that she clearly has a distaste for (see: the film sessions mention, the manager, etc), and even her struggle to climb out of Alex’s shadow. I know R is a grown person but it’s nice to see people in her corner and willing to and actively fighting for her (Tree setting up the living arrangements, R now having a protection detail, etc).

I could honestly go on forever gushing about every letter in this whole series, but alas I shall end this rant here and instead sit by the window (doom scroll through the same three apps on my phone) as I await my husbands return home from the war (a new chapter/more content from you)

Eras of Us- Era 3: Ugh Oh, I'm Falling in Love (Taylor Swift X Morgan!Reader)

Eras of Us master list

This is the Era where they're falling in love, learning more about each other, and how to navigate their relationships with their friends and families.

warning- Sexual content in this chapter.

Author's note: Hey everyone, i'm so sorry this took so long. theres just a lot of stuff in this chapter that i really wanted to get right. I hope you enjoy it! let me know what you think. comments are literally my favorite thing.

February 2017 'Cause you could be the one that I love I could be the one that you dream of

As it turned out, being Taylor’s girlfriend was far easier than you imagined it would be. It wasn’t all that much different than when the two of you were just friends, actually.

You two still texted continuously, now each message was dotted with a heart or a little kiss. You two still talked on the phone all of the time, though you had developed a bad habit of falling asleep on late-night calls with her.

The only thing that had really changed was that now the photos you sent her were slightly more… suggestive on purpose.

And now you actually got to kiss her, which was fun, except you had barely seen her since you two started dating.

Between the holidays and dealing with your shitty agent about yet another fucked up trade, you hadn’t had time to fly to her, and she had been tied up with her family and recording her new album to fly to you. But the two of you made due (ie falling asleep on the phone with her nearly every night).

It still sucked you wouldn’t get to see her until after January camp. At least you only had 1 more game to play in.

“Hurry up you two,” Rose called over her shoulder, idly swinging Emily’s hand next to her.

You groaned, adjusting your grip on Mal’s legs as her arms squeezed more tightly around your neck. “It’s not my fault this koala demanded a piggyback ride,”

Mal had been insanely clingy since the start of camp, draping herself all over you at every opportunity. It wasn’t something you noticed at first, but it had become so constant, that it was beginning to grate on your patience.

Especially after she interrupted you every time you tried to talk to Taylor. The only moment you had gotten alone was at 3 am, and you had been too drowsy to do more than stare at her.

“I’m not that heavy ducky,” Mal hugged, pinching your ear.

“No, but it’s been like 2 miles,” You huffed, tilting your head away from her, and picking up your pace so you were even with Rose and Emily.

Emily rolled her eyes at you. “And whose fault is that?”

You shrugged as much as you could with Mal on your back. “Cheney said they have the best mochas,”

“And it’ll make it very hard for Alex to beat you this week,” Rose snorted, gesturing towards the shiny watch on your wrist. “If you’re gonna make us take a hike to a coffee shop, you should at least be honest with why we’re taking it,”

“She should be more active in her rest time,” You said, earning another eye roll as the four of you finally made it to the cafe Cheney had mentioned when you talked to her over the holidays.

It was just a bonus that Alex would need to find 4 extra exercise miles to match you in her stupid little app. It’s what she had done to you with Kelley’s family’s stupid 10 mile Christmas morning hike after all. You had to go on a beach run to make up for it.

“Or maybe you should be less competitive,” Emily grumbled, holding the door open for you and Mal to walk through. Her gaze stayed glued out the door even after you stepped through.

You rolled your eyes. “And what fun would that be?”

You dropped Mal’s legs as you got in line next to Rose, and she landed on her feet, but she didn’t let go of your neck like you had hoped she would.

“We would be behind in the practice scrimmages against the vets too,” You added as you turned your attention to the menu above the cashier.

There weren’t any… normal drinks. They all had fancy names, so you had to read the description to figure out what the fuck it was. You sighed internally, deciding that you absolutely shouldn’t have listened to Cheney, because long complicated descriptions like delectable dark roast, mixed with Dutch hand-made chocolate ganache, and essence of citrus aurantium topped with creamy dreamy whipped cream and powdered orange blossoms: written out in small, tight together cursive was going to take you forever to decipher.

Especially with the way all the L’s and E’s kept flipping places, and how Mal kept shifting your entire body each time she moved.

You were going to have a headache by the time you actually made it through the menu.

“Ok, those guys are totally following us,”

You blinked in the direction of Emily’s voice, and away from the migraine-inducing menu. You followed her hand to where she was pointing at two men wearing aviators sitting at a stable near the back of the café.

The one facing you was older, with dark salt and pepper hair, wearing a leather jacket, while the other was younger and blonde with his back to you.

It made you roll your eyes again.

Tony and Zach had been your shadows since you and Taylor started dating. You saw them outside your apartment building in Chicago, and ran into them everywhere you went, even when you attended a Bears game against the Chiefs.

You could tell that they were trying to be discrete since you had brought up the issue with Taylor the first week you noticed them, but it was still annoying that she wouldn’t budge on her stance.

“I’ll take care of it,” You grumbled, carefully untangling yourself from Mal’s grasp, ignoring the high-pitched whine she let out at being displaced. “Just order me the closest thing to a mocha please,”

At least now you didn’t have to read the menu.

You ignored the feeling of their eyes on your back as you walked up to the table your two bodyguards were sitting at, knocking on the wood when you were close enough. “I thought I made it clear that I don’t need a babysitter,”

“I prefer the term watchman,” Tony hummed, barely even looking at you.

Zach nodded. “Watchmen is a much better term,”

You glared at the blonde man, before turning back to Tony. “I prefer that you don’t follow me around and creep out my friends,”

Tony paused, lifting a finger to shift his aviators down to the end of his nose so he could peer at you over the rim of them. “We’ll try to be more discreet,”

You shook your head. “No. You will stop following me,”

“Can’t. Bosses orders,” Tony shrugged, readjusting his aviators back over his eyes. “And frankly, the team doesn’t have enough security,”

Your glare deepened. “Because no one knows who the fuck we are,”

“Still, I shouldn’t have been able to get your room number from the front desk receptionist,” He countered. “or have Zach get into the changing room at the practice field,”

“Normal people don’t do that shit,” You grit back.

His point proved nothing.

No fan was trying to sneak into your locker room to leave notes in your cubby and no other people had interest in your room number.

Sure, the note and the peanut butter cookies Taylor had delivered to your room were cool, but two men staking out every place you went certainly was not. Not when Emily wouldn’t shut up about your mysterious friend being in the mob because now you had people following you.

She couldn’t give up on the angle, going so far that even Mal was annoyed with her.

You had been annoyed 5 weeks ago when she brought the idea up for the first time during New Year's when she spotted them after you came out of a fried chicken place in Atlanta.

Tony sighed, fixing his leather jacket.“If you're really insistent about this, you know who you need to take it up with. Otherwise, I think Ms. Sonnett, Ms. Pugh, and Ms. Lavelle have finished ordering,”

It irritated you that he always referred to your friends so formally, even if he had never met them.

“I will,” You grit out, already pulling your phone out of your pocket. “Because you two are ridiculous,”

Tony made a face, dipping his aviators to peer at you again. “And Taylor is ridiculous for caring about your safety?”

You opened and closed your mouth several times. That wasn’t fair.

Tony slid his glasses back into place as a waitress brought them 2 coffees.

Your jaw clenched and you didn’t your best not to glare at the smug way he sipped the steaming glass. You hadn’t even seen them order.

“Your friends have chosen a table,” He hummed, tilting his head to where Emily, Mal, and Rose were all staring at you with wide eyes.

“This isn’t the end of this conversation,” You muttered, grabbing one of the 3 chocolate chip cookies that had been delivered with their coffee.

“We will try to be more discreet,” Zach said, passing you a napkin.

You took a bite of your cookie. “You better,”

“We’ll do our best,” Tony chuckled, gesturing towards your friends with his chin again. “Go enjoy your overly fancy coffee,”

You made a low noise, turning on your heel and heading back over to your friends, who were overtly staring at the men now.

“You’re in the mob right?” Emily asked before you were even fully seated in the chair next to Mal.

You didn’t reply, instead breaking the cookie into 3 and passing the larger part to Rose for her and Emily to share and the other to Mal, who was already wrapping herself around you again.

“Emily stop,” The forward whined loudly in your ear as she took the cookie.

“Oh come on, just answer the question,” Emily said, her lips pulling into a teasing grin. “it’s totally obvious,”

“I’m not in the mob,” You grumbled, taking a sip of your coffee and frowning.

You liked mochas, they were your go-to order, but this one had caramel in it, and was far too sweet. You would drink it anyway though, because one of your friends had paid for it.

Rose leaned forward in her chair, resting crossed arms on the table in front of her conspiratorially. “Then why was our coffee already paid for?”

You frowned, your cup hitting the table with a low thud. “What?”

“I gave them my name and she said someone had already paid for us,” Rose said, her voice low.

Your eyebrows pulled more tightly together. “Who?”

“Someone named Athena,” Rose wiggled her eyebrows at you, and you rolled your eyes.

It had been Taylor. Of course, it was her, she had even sent the goons she had following you coffees and an extra cookie.

Of course that was the name Taylor used.

She had been making fun of her nickname since she found out that it was her contact name in her phone, and you blushed through your explanation that she was a goddess and the smartest person you knew.

“See, totally a mob boss name,” Emily said accusingly, gesturing wildly with her hands. “who else would call themselves Athena,”

You were afraid that if you rolled your eyes again they would fall out of your head, so you refrained.

No matter how good it would have felt.

You pulled away from Mal and wrestled your phone out of your pocket. You flipped to your messages, ignoring the one aptly named Athena for now, opening the thread you shared with Alex to get it to stop buzzing.

Alexandria🐬: Did you have to walk to a coffee shop across the city? Haven’t you ever heard of an Uber?

MiniMorgs: Wanted to get some fresh air, and Cheney recommended it

Alexandria🐬: More like you wanted to win this week’s challenge. Was it worth the walk?

MiniMorgs: I didn’t have to read the overly complicated menu, so yes. #dyslexic problems

Alexandria🐬: LoL. Maybe we should get you yellow-tinted glasses to help with that

MiniMorgs: Whatever. Good luck catching up on miles

Alexandria🐬:🖕🏻

Another coffee cup landed in front of you with a clink, and you blinked up from your phone at the waitress.

You frowned up at her. “Ugh, thanks?”

You hadn’t ordered another coffee.

“The person who paid for your order also asked us to make an extra mocha, no caramel, no whipped cream, and no sweetening syrup,” The young girl explained quickly, her hands fidgeting in front of her. “it also comes with a heart and a little winky face,”

“Oh, thanks,” You sent her a genuine smile, the dimple on your left cheek poking out just a bit.

She blushed.

“No problem,” she said, turning away from you and your friends very quickly before practically running back to the counter.

You didn’t watch her as she left, instead sipping your new coffee and sighing in content.

It was exactly what you wanted. The perfect cup of coffee if you did say so yourself.

You glanced back down at your phone, flipping through your messages to the one labeled Athena👸🏼

Thanks for the coffee. It’s much better than the sugary shit Emily ordered.

“Do you have to flirt with every woman you see?” Mal scoffed, placing more of her weight on you as she draped her arms over your shoulders.

You grunted, slipping your phone in your pocket and adjusting in your seat so she didn’t knock you over. “I wasn’t flirting, I was just being nice,”

You practically felt her roll her eyes as Emily snorted across from you.

“What? I was!” You bit out, your voice dripping in incredulity.

“You used the smile you use when you’re trying to get into someone’s pants,” Mal hummed, her lips caressing the shell of your ear as her hand dipped its way under the hem of your Alexia Putellas Barça jersey. “I would know,”

You jerked away from her, nearly spilling your coffee. Your chair squeaked as you pushed away, creating space between the two of you.

You didn’t want her touching you.

Not like you had in the past.

There was a time when you craved her touch. Where you twisted yourself into knots to be worthy of her affection.

You allowed yourself to get closer to her than you had to anyone else, and in the end she had decided that you still weren’t good enough.

She decided that you would never be good enough for her. Not like Dansby was. But even after that you had pined after every little scrap of care she sent you, and you allowed yourself to believe that it was all you deserved.

That it was real.

Even in your short time with Taylor, you knew that real was something very different. She didn’t make you feel like you were always making up for something. Like you had to earn her care.

She made you feel worthy and had butterflies flapping in your chest. She made you feel seen, even before you were together, and you wouldn’t do anything to put that in jeopardy.

“Whoa, easy there,” Emily chuckled. “Didn't think you were so sensitive to the mention of your history,”

You shifted uncomfortably, fixing the edge of your jersey.

“Just tickled me,” You muttered, taking another sip of your coffee as Mal didn’t even hesitate to wrapped herself around you again.

You ignored the knowing look Rose sent you, and cleared your throat. “We should probably head back though. Think you can walk on your own this time?”

You gently elbowed Mal, sending Emily a cheeky grin when she wiggled her eyebrows.

Mal sighed heavily, her lips returning to near your ear. “I don’t think so. I think I still need a piggyback,”

You huffed at her pouted words, shoving your extra coffee cup into her hands as you stood. “You have to carry the cups though,”

“Deal!” She cheered, already trying to climb on your back.

You didn’t have the heart (or the stomach) to tell her that you didn’t want to carry her back. You couldn’t when it made her light up so much.

“You’re such a pushover,” Rose muttered as she held the café door open for you.

You shrugged as much as you could with Mal on your back.

You were a people pleaser to your core, and you couldn’t help that. Mal was your friend and you liked to make her happy.

Taylor would understand.

*****

You were sweating your ass off by the time you made it back to the team hotel, and your legs felt like you had just played 90 minutes.

You supposed walking 4 miles with a fully grown forward on your back would do that to you, and the detours Emily kept taking because of the “Mob Guys” following you made the journey more like 6. Dawn was not going to be pleased, and you felt like you needed a recovery day to recover from your recovery day.

You dropped Mal’s legs as you stepped into the welcome AC of the lobby, ignoring her yelp at the move.

“I’m done being your pack Mule,” You muttered, breathing hard. “Use your own damn legs,”

“Not a mule. A graceful stallion,” Mal hummed, leaning in and placing a kiss on your cheek before she skipped off. “Thanks for the ride,”

She missed your eye roll. But Kelley didn’t. “Coming on a bit strong, isn't she?”

You blinked at Kelley, pulling your sunglasses up to rest in your wavy curls, taking in the way she was shifting awkwardly from foot to foot. “Don’t they always?”

“You didn't have a friends-with-benefits relationship with most of the people who hit on you,” Kelley shrugged.

You made a sound low in your throat, scratching the back of your neck. “I’m not interested in continuing that,”

You didn’t know she knew about that.

“I know,” Kelley nodded, her hand landing warm and grounding on your shoulder. “You’re interested in burrito girl,”

You hummed.

You were more than just interested in Taylor, and Kelley knew that. She had been getting regular updates after she talked you off the ledge the morning after, and it was kinda nice to get to share with someone.

Kelley shifted again, and you scratched harder at the back of your neck as a very uncomfortable silence settled over you.

“I didn’t bring you coffee,” You said, finally looking at her.

Your eyebrows pulled tightly together. She was spinning the ring on her forefinger more rapidly than you had ever seen, and shifting like she was… nervous.

“I know,” She said, her eyes flicking up to meet your blue before rapidly looking away. “Can we chat though?”

You frowned. “What’s up?”

Kelley bit her lip and led you over to an isolated meeting room, closing the door behind you.

She took a steadying breath like she was stealing herself as she turned to look at you. “I’m going to ask your sister to marry me,”

You stared at her, your mouth dropping open at her words.

She was going to ask your sister to marry her.

Her and Alex were going to get married.

But weren’t they practically married already? They had been together since you were 10. They lived together, had 2 dogs and were actively looking for a team to transfer to together.

You shouldn’t have been surprised, but you were. So you did what you always did when you were caught off guard.

You painted a playful smirk on your face, wiggling your eyebrows. “Alex right? Because I don’t think Jen or Jerry will react well,”

Kelley sighed. “I’m being serious. We’ve been together for almost 7 years. I love her,”

You raised an eyebrow at her, your smirk melting a little. “Ok, and?”

She spun her ring a little faster. “I’m not asking your permission, but-“

“You want my blessing or some shit?” You cut her off, your eyebrows furrowing impossibly deeper. “Jesus Kell, her and I haven’t had a proper conversation since I was like 12. My opinion doesn’t matter,”

You actively avoided conversations with your sister. She barely knew anything about the adult version of yourself.

There was no way she could care what you thought about her marrying Kelley.

Kelley shook her head, closing the distance between you and catching your hand. “I think your opinion is one of the only ones she cares about,”

Her voice went very soft, and you swallowed hard. You weren’t at a place to consider what she meant. You couldn't deal with all of the baggage that came with the implications.

Yes, you were fairly content to interact with her through the stupid app the two of you competed on, but that was nothing deeper than just that. A competition.

It didn’t mean anything. Not like Kelley was assuming it meant.

You shook your head, swallowing down your feelings and locking them into a little box in the center of your chest.

“She might be my sister, but I’ll kick her ass if she hurts you. Or says no, even though she’s not going to say no. She loves you. I guess I’ll kick your ass too if you hurt her so don’t,” You said softly, drawing up the courage to meet Kelley’s eyes again.

A brilliant smile broke across her face, and her eyes lit up like the two of you had just won the World Cup. “I promise I won’t kid,”

“Good,” You ran a hand through your hair, sucking in a long breath through your nose. “Is there anything else?”

“Don’t you want to know how I’m going to do it?” Kelley asked, her eyebrows furrowing.

Your shoulders lifted and fell.

Maybe a part of you cared about whatever romantic thing Kelley had planned for her, but the larger part just… wasn’t interested. It wasn’t like you were involved in Alex’s life. You didn’t get to see the ins and outs of her relationship with Kelley, and that was your own choice. If you got too close, you knew you would get hurt.

You had before anyway.

“As long as it’s not during or directly after sex, I think it’ll be fine,” You huffed out, covering your wavering curiosity.

Kelley rolled her eyes. “I’m going to do it when we go to New York. I have a reservation for the top of the Empire State Building,”

“That’ll be pretty,” You hummed, your voice going soft.

You knew how much your older sister loved city lights. It was nearly as much as she loved to look at the stars.

When the two of you were young, you would sit on the roof outside of her window for hours staring at the sky, naming the constellations. It was what got you so into Greek mythology after all. You wondered if she still remembered all of the stories.

“She loves the lights,” Kelley agreed, watching you carefully. “We’re going to have dinner after. Jen and Jerrie will be there,”

You nodded. “I’ll be there too,”

“Excellent,” Kelley’s smile just got wider.

“Yeah,” You said, trailing off and looking towards the door. “I told Alyssa I’d watch film with her before the game tomorrow, so are we done?”

Kelley chuckled, not at all surprised that you wanted to escape this conversation. “Wouldn’t want to keep the head of the Department of Defense waiting,”

You always pulled away when your family was mentioned, and that habit was only magnified when emotions were also involved.

“Nope,” You muttered, practically running towards the door.

She wished things were different.

Alex was making the steps to bridge the gap in your relationship, and for the first time in a long time, you seemed willing to meet her halfway. Neither of them were sure exactly what had caused the rift, or why you had always been so… reluctant to let her fix it. Or to talk about it in general.

She hoped that the little steps would actually lead to something this time. She hoped that you would let your walls down. She hoped that you would actually let yourself be happy.

*****

Rain pounded down around you as you tracked the ball across midfield.

Games like this were your favorite.

The USWNT was up by 4 and there was only 30 seconds of stoppage time left. You had a goal and 2 assists and you had played incredibly well. It was 75 degrees so the rain was like the mist from a shower, warm and comfortable.

It let you take your mind off of the stupid phone call that had come just before you loaded up the bus to head to the stadium. It drowned out Roary Dame’s voice explaining that you were a great play, just not what they needed.

Explaining that he had put your name in the trading block for the highest draft pick they could get. So they could finally have their star striker because you were the wrong Morgan for that.

This game made you feel… good. It made you feel powerful.

You smiled at Sam as she came to a stop beside you.

Alex and Mal were getting ready to take a time-wasting corner to end the game, and you and Sam were just there in case Jamaica got a counter opportunity.

“Emily says you’re in the mob now,” She said conversationally. “And that you have two huge dudes following you around,”

You rolled your eyes. “I’m not in the mob,”

“But you do have 2 dudes following you,” She asked, tilting her head to the mouth of the tunnel where Zach and Tony were huddled under an umbrella.

They were right, it was kinda scary how far they could get without any real security clearance. They shouldn’t have been able to get into the stadium, much less on the field, but here they were.

“I have a very overprotective friend,” You muttered as the ref blew the signature three whistles to signal the end of the game. You paused before you ran off.

Taylor wasn’t your friend, she was something much much more. You didn’t feel right calling her a friend.

You turned back to Sam, scratching the wet hairs off the back of your neck. “Well, a very protective more than a friend,”

A smile broke across her features, and you couldn’t help but match it. “Don’t mention that to anyone though,” You added, suddenly nervous that she would tell the team, and then the rumor mill would start.

You weren’t ready to answer questions about Taylor yet. Or to listen to your teammates tease you. You also didn’t want to share her yet.

Sam winked at you. “Your secret is safe with me,”

“Thanks,” You said, heading towards the tunnel, pausing at a young girl waving a soaked-through Morgan sign a few feet away from the tunnel.

You could see a big 13 painted on the sign, so you knew it wasn’t meant for you, but still it was your name too.

“Hey, I like your sign,” You hummed, flashing the girl a million-dollar smile, ignoring the phones pointed in your direction. “Even if it has the wrong number on it,”

The girl blushed deeply. “I like you too. I just wasn’t sure what number you would be wearing,”

It was a good excuse, you thought. Or it would have been over a year ago before you made the switch to number 12.

You hated when they pretended to give a shit about you just because you were the one standing in front of them. You knew the only Morgan they really cared about was your sister, and you wished they would just own it.

“Well thank ya,” You winked, ignoring her little lie. “I know it’s just because she’s a striker. Everyone loves a good goal scorer,”

The red in the girl's cheeks got even more pronounced, and your grin turned slightly wolfish. She didn’t hear the bitter note in your voice.

Everyone wanted the star striker, something you would never be.

“Do you have something you want me to sign?”

The girl shook her head, looking at her friend who also shook her head. The girl looked back at you, biting her lip.

“Can I get your jersey?” She asked hesitantly, and your smirk only got wider.

“I think I can do one better,” You said, turning back towards the field. Your eyes roved over the players until you found the one you were looking for.

“Hey Al,” You called out, cupping your hands over your face to amplify the sound.

Her head snapped in your direction, and you waved her over. You tried not to let it bother you that the girl's squeals got so much louder as she jogged over, a questioning smile on her face.

“What’s up?” She asked as soon as she was close enough, and you could hear the slight surprise in her voice. It was one of the first times you had actually spoken to her since last camp.

You tilted your head towards the fans beside you. “You’ve got a fan and you owe me because I beat you 5 weeks in a row,”

“And?” She raised an eyebrow at you.

“I’m cashing in,” You said, again tilting your head towards the fans. “She would like your jersey,”

Alex never took her eyes off of you as she stripped off her soaked-through jersey, and passed it to the girl. It was like she was trying to figure out what you were thinking. But she had lost the ability to read your mind years ago.

“Thanks,” You said, flashing her a grin and turning back towards the girl. “Now you’ve got the jersey you actually want,”

Alex’s lips pulled downward at the sarcasm in your tone, hidden by false cheeriness. It was the same tone you used when something was annoying you, but you didn’t know how (or have the courage) to vocalize it.

“Oh my god, thank you!” The girl cheered, looking at Alex instead of at you.

“Both of you,” She added quickly when Alex raised an eyebrow at her.

You waved her off, throwing a “No worries,” over your shoulder as you headed towards the tunnel to get out of the rain.

Alex waved at the girls too, sending them a smile before jogging off after you. There was something so… off about that interaction, and she wasn’t willing to let it go anymore.

Her and Kelley had discussed it, and while she understood the defender's advice to not push you. To let you come to her, she was tired of waiting.

The texting was nice, but it didn’t carry over to your real-life interactions and that was… frustrating. It wasn’t getting her anywhere.

She caught your arm as you rounded the corner to the locker room, spinning you on the spot and stepping into your space so you were pinned against the cold concrete wall of the tunnel, unable to run away this time.

“What the fuck was that all about?” She asked, keeping her voice level, even though the two of you were nose to nose.

Your eyes flashed up to meet hers, identical blue boring into yours. It made you feel like she could see into your soul. Like you were naked in front of her. You so badly wanted to look away but you couldn’t.

“She had a Morgan sign with a huge 13 on it, so I went to say hello,” You shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant, but Alex saw through it. “And they asked for a jersey, but I knew it wasn’t mine they wanted,”

There was something in your voice, in your posture that she couldn’t place.

“But they asked you for it?” She pressed, and your eyes flicked away from her as you gave her a barely perceptible nod.

“It would have been a consolation prize. They wanted yours,” You said, twisting your arm free and finally squeezing out from where you were trapped. “Everyone always wants yours,”

You muttered the last part under your breath as you tried to make your way down the hallway, but Alex heard you anyway.

She again caught your arm before you could walk away, again spinning you around to face her. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing Alex,” You grumbled, shaking your head and again breaking her hold on you. “Just drop it,”

“No. I will not drop it,” She bit back, not letting you walk away from her. “I’ve been dropping it since you were 10 and look where it’s gotten us. I can’t fix something if I don’t understand what’s wrong,”

It was as if she let you leave. If she let you go before she understood you would be gone for good. You would lose the progress you had made.

Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Fix it?”

What did Alex mean that she wanted to fix it? She didn’t have a Time Machine.

“Yes. Fix it,” She said, fighting to keep her volume low and her tone even. You didn’t respond well to exasperation. “We were so close and now it’s like we can’t even stand each other. I don’t want us to be this tense for the rest of our lives,”

You stared at her like she had 3 heads. There was nothing that she could do. No magic wand she could wave to change it.

The world preferred her over you, and they probably always would. You had learned from the time you were small that you weren’t worth as much as Alex was. You were invisible when she was there. You accepted it. The only person who didn’t make you feel that way was Taylor.

You shook your head. “There is nothing to fix Alex. You can’t do anything. Now let me go,”

Her face fell, and something broke in her eyes. It made your heart hurt, but it was the truth.

You twisted your arm out of her grasp and turned on your heel heading into the locker room. Alex stared after you, something you said gnawing in her brain.

Everyone always wants yours

It was nearly as bad as the “Now that everyone is watching you care. Now when it’s convenient” you gave her on the practice field in November.

She wasn’t sure what had happened between the two of you, or why you were so… frustratingly stubborn about allowing her to build a bridge over the mile-wide gap between you.

Your attitude shifting was also giving her whiplash. You seemed so… open over text. So willing to interact. She didn’t know how to navigate it all, and it seemed that you weren’t at all willing to help her.

“You good?”

Alex jumped at Kelley’s voice in her ear and gentle hands on her shoulders.

“No,” she shook her head, relaxing back into the defender's grasp.

Kelley hummed, and placed a kiss just below her ear, soothing her. “What happened?”

“Y/n called me over to give a girl my jersey, and then told her that she had the one she actually wanted,” Alex explained, frustration evident in her voice. “and when I asked, she told me that everyone always wants mine,”

“Al, we talked about this,” Kelley sighed, as your sister pulled away from her.

“I know,” Alex grumbled running a frustrated hand through her soaked hair.

They had many conversations about it. They both agreed that the best move was to take it slow. To let you dictate the pace, but neither of them expected you to be so… passive-aggressive.

Not when you let people push you too far because you didn’t know how to set limits, or you just pretended like they didn’t exist.

She didn’t know how to act when you went out of your way to interact with her and then tried to run away.

“But we never accounted for this,” She gestured wildly towards the locker room door. “She called me over,”

“And then you chased after her,” Kelley countered. “Because she told you a snippet of what’s bothering her that is supposed to make sense, but it doesn’t because you don’t have context. And you need to understand. I know,”

“She said I can’t fix it, Kell,” Alex’s voice finally broke, and Kelley was quick to pull the striker into her chest as her shoulders shook. “What am I supposed to do?”

Kelley closed her eyes, resting her cheek on the top of Alex’s head, holding her tightly.

She could see it from your side.

Alex had spent years unsure of how to bridge the ever-widening gap between you. You had spent years being compared to her, being crucified by the media for not being her, so it made sense for you to be wary. For you to try and protect yourself. What didn’t make sense was the hot and cold way you were going about it.

“I’ll talk to her,” Kelley said, holding your sister together as she crumbled. “But we need to take this at her pace. And that means one step at a time,”

*****

Slipping out of the locker room undetected was far easier than you expected it to be, but then again you had retreated to the showers long before most of the team was even off of the field. You hadn’t been planning to escape, but when the text came through on your phone, it was a no-brainer.

You smiled widely as you made the final turn down the tunnel, revealing Taylor leaning up against the large Visitors sign texting. “Fancy meeting you here, I thought you had album stuff,”

“Heard you didn’t like my henchmen,” She smirked, pushing herself off the wall and meeting you halfway. “So I thought I’d come to check on you myself,”

You nearly fell with the force of the hug, burying your face in her neck and squeezing her tightly to you. “I don’t like the henchmen. I don’t need babysitters,”

She hummed, leaning back just enough to look you in the eyes and brushing your wet curls out of your eyes. “You don’t need babysitters, but you do need protection. Let me be a little overprotective of you,”

You could feel her breath on your lips, and you couldn’t help but lean in and connect your mouths. Your hands slipped into the back pocket of her jeans and you squeezed lightly.

It was slightly scary how addicted to her you were. How you craved her touch.

She made a low sound in the back of her throat. One of her hands hooked into the hem of your sweats, and the other wove into the short curls at the back of your neck, pulling you tighter to her.

You stumbled forward molding yourself to her, as the kiss changed. Her tongue slipped into your mouth, running against yours, and you could feel her desire.

It didn’t surprise you. You knew what she wanted. What she expected. It was the same thing that every girl expected from you, so you just let it happen.

You let her pull you into the closet (unsure of how it appeared out of thin air, or where her shirt had suddenly disappeared to), pushing her against the only wall not covered in athletic equipment, and pinning her there with your hips.

Your lips dragged across her neck, and you longed to pull the velvety skin into your mouth. To place a mark, a claim out in the open where everyone could see. But you didn’t.

You trailed down to her collarbone, skimming your teeth along it as your hand slid into her pants, past her underwear, and through her warm wetness.

You couldn’t help the smirk that graced your features. “Is this all for me?”

“You’re hot when you play,” She keened as you teased at her entrance, gathering her slick on your middle finger. “And even hotter when you’re drenched and you kept pulling your shirt off to wipe the rain out of your eyes,”

You hummed, tracing her lower lips and brushing your middle finger across her clit. Her hips jolted, knocking into your thigh and it reminded you of how players always fought you for ball possession.

How they would press back into you while you tried to tap it through their legs. How they always bucked back to keep you from picking their pocket.

Taylor’s head hit the wall, and you worked your lips back up her neck, lingering on the underside of her jaw. “Please y/n,”

You hummed, dragging your teeth along her chin, and slipping your finger inside. She was warm and tight, squeezing your fingers as you dragged them against her walls.

Her hand tightened in the short curls at the base of your neck, while the other clawed at the bare skin of your shoulders.

She tasted like sweat and rain, and something just so Taylor.

It was like the sun on your face during the perfect practice, using your arm to wipe the sweat off your upper lip after you sank a ball past one of the keepers. It was like your teammates pulling you into tight hugs, running their fingers through your hair after you scored on a scorching summer day, their hands slipping through yours as they headed back to their starting positions.

She shuddered against you as you curled your fingers, finding the spongy patch inside of her, and you carefully ran your teeth across the special spot right below her ear.

It made you feel… powerful to have her so on edge already. Nearly as powerful as when you were 5 goals up on a team, or when a player couldn’t make it past you in midfield.

“Y/n,”

It was like playing with Mal, and how you knew where she was going to be before she moved, so you could pull the opposing players and set her up for a goal.

Except it was better. It was what you imagined scoring in the World Cup would feel like. Or assisting in a goal.

“Y/n,” Taylor panted, using the hand in your hair to tug you away from her neck.

“What baby?” you asked, glassy eyes blinking blearily up at her as you again curled your fingers.

Her head fell back and hit the wall with a thump. “Oh my god,” She moaned low in her throat, fighting to get out whatever she was saying. She swallowed hard, her hands keeping you from continuing your ministrations. “The door,”

As if on cue, three loud rasps sounded from the door just to your left. “I know you’re in there Y/n. We need to talk. Now,”

Your head fell forward and landed heavily on Taylor’s shoulder as you let out a groan at Kelley’s voice. “One second,”

Why did she always have to pick the wrong moment?

You pulled back, meeting Taylor’s eyes. “Just stay here,”

She nodded, sucking in a deep breath as you removed yourself from her, and ran your hand through your hair, trying to straighten your ever-messy curls. Your other hand fixed your rumpled shirt, and she frowned. She could have sworn you took yours off when you devested her of hers.

You opened the door just a crack, pushing your head out and glaring at Kelley. “What? I’m busy,”

Her eyebrows were pulled tightly together, a frown firmly set in her features. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

You felt Taylor’s hand on the top of your back, warm and heavy, comforting in a way you weren’t sure you would ever really deserve.

“A lot of things,” You grumbled, shifting so Kelley couldn’t get a good look inside the closet. “I’ll need more information to give you a more defined answer,”

Her eyes narrowed. “You told Alex that she couldn’t fix it between you,”

“She can’t,” You shrugged. “Are we done?”

“No,” Kelley bit back, her hand finding the door to prevent you from slamming it closed. “Not until you talk to your sister and fix this shit,”

You were already shaking your head. “Talking is not something that Alex and I do,”

Kelley snorted. “But you’ll text,”

You shrank a little at her tone.

The texting was different. It was safer, more controlled. She wasn’t close enough to hurt you. You needed that distance.

You felt a hand on your back, rubbing gentle circles at the point that always grew so tense when you were stressed.

You let out a breath. “That’s different. We only text when one of us is winning,”

“Is it?” Kelley pressed, unwilling to let it go. “Because from the outside, it looks like you share more than just your exercise routine,”

The hand grew more insistent, and you closed your eyes. “I don’t want to argue with you,”

You could understand why Kelley was upset. She was protective over the people she loved, and while you knew she cared for you, it was nothing compared to how much she loved your sister. She would always choose Alex over you.

And that was ok. It would be weird if it wasn’t that way.

“No, you just want to get back to your quick fuck,”

Kelley's mouth twisted around the words, and it felt like a knife slipping into your chest.

You flushed red, and a hand caught the back of your collar as you jerked forward. “Don’t call her that,”

You knew what your reputation was, but you never expected Kelley to try and use it against you. Taylor was far more than a quick fuck. You cared about her more than you cared about nearly anyone.

his was why you hadn’t told Kelley yet.

Kelley took a step back, sucking in a calming breath through her nose. “Look, all I’m saying is that you need to cut Alex some slack. It’s not fair for her with your hot and cold routine. You at least have to meet her halfway,”

“I’m trying,” You sighed, running a hand through your wild curls. “What else do you want from me when my own team is fucking trading me because I’ll never be the striker that she is,”

Kelley frowned. “What?”

“Those kids said they didn’t know my number because it was new. I changed it over a year ago. They didn’t have anything for me to sign, because they didn’t want my signature. They wanted Alex. Everyone always wants Alex, and that’s not something she can fix,” You explained, your voice going soft and… honest. “I wasn’t being cruel. I was being honest,”

“Oh,” Kelley’s frown deepened, as your comment to Alex suddenly made sense.

The fans had lied to you when you were already hurt from the trade. They made you feel more unwanted.

“Yeah oh,” You said, running another hand through your hair. “We text when one of us is winning. That’s our relationship, so just leave it. Is there anything else?”

Kelley shook her head and cleared her throat. “Bus leaves in 30,”

You painted a smirk across your features.

“Cool, I’ll see you in 29 then,” You said, as you slammed the door, and turned to lean against it. You slid down until you were seated, drawing your knees to your chest and letting your head fall against it with a low thump. “Fuck me,”

Why did Kelley always have to make things difficult?

Sure she was kinda right, but why did she have to remind you of that and get you to admit why you were upset? It was so infuriating that she wouldn’t let you keep her at arm's length.

“I would but I don’t think that’ll help,” Taylor chuckled, settling down beside you, resting a hand on your knee.

You groaned, blinking at her. You had nearly forgotten she was there. And that she was shirtless…“You’d be surprised. There’s something very… freeing about losing yourself in someone else,”

There was something freeing in having all of a woman’s attention. Of you just being enough for them even if it was only for a moment. Of having something Alex never had, and of being in the only situation where you couldn’t be compared to her (though a few girls had mused about it afterward, it’s why you started skipping the after-cuddling).

Taylor made a low noise, shaking her head. “I think talking will help you more in the long run,”

You shrugged. You didn’t want to argue with her.

“I’m sorry Kelley interrupted before you could…you know…” You blushed deeply, rubbing harder at the back of your neck. You couldn’t say the word orgasm.

Taylor frowned, her thumb pausing on the inside of your knee. “Y/n,”

You didn’t stop though. You didn’t let her ask you the hard question.

“I’m surprised the goon squad didn’t stop them, especially since your goons are here too,” You said, scratching your neck, and tugging off your sweatshirt by the hood. “Here,”

You passed her the item, watching with rapt attention as she pulled it on, and her abs flexed.

“Jason is getting the car, and Tony is at the end of the hall,” She hummed, doing the button on her pants once your hoodie was on. “I don’t really like having an audience,”

You wiggled your eyebrows, painting a charming smile back on your face, even though it took too much effort. “And you assumed I’d jump you?”

It was slightly alarming how easily you locked your emotions away. How you could pretend like there wasn’t something bothering you when it had been so obvious just seconds before?

It set off red flags in her brain because a talent like that wasn’t inherent. It was learned.

“No,” She shook her head, deciding not to comment on how easily you flipped that switch. “I just knew how much I missed you,”

Your mask fell slightly. “I missed you too,”

You meant it. Being away from Taylor was harder than your pride would let you admit.

You had never been so… taken with someone. So addicted to them. But she made you feel seen and safe. It made you want to spend every second with her, wrapped around her.

“Can I take you to dinner?” She asked, squeezing your knee.

You shrugged. “I have to go back to the team hotel first to do cool down and check-in,”

“I can pick you up afterward,” Taylor suggested.

“That sounds agreeable,” You nodded, your lips twisting into a devilish smirk. “But what are we going to do in the,” You looked at the time on your phone. “25 minutes we have before the bus leaves?”

Taylor matched your smirk, catching the front of your shirt and pulling you closer. “I can think of a few things,”

OoOoOoO

March 2017

I, I loved you in spite of Deep fears that the world would divide us So, baby, can we dance Oh, through an avalanche?

You didn’t particularly enjoy fancy restaurants. You didn’t particularly like most restaurants to begin with, but ones with a dress code always made you uncomfortable. Their menus always had a small font, and the white tablecloths never stayed white.

The stuffy atmosphere usually lent itself to stuffy conversations, and it reminded you too much of business lunches or dinners with your parents to ever really enjoy yourself.

You had learned over the years that your opinion didn’t really matter. That everything wasn’t about you. So you were fairly adept at painting a charming smile on and acting normal.

It has worked for most of the night with your sisters and Kelley anyway.

It was easy when Jen and Jerri were gushing over the new diamond ring on Alex’s finger. When they kept asking for every little detail of how Kelley proposed on top of the Empire State Building.

And you played along, never speaking directly to Alex, but not being weird enough that anyone would notice. You wouldn’t ruin this for her, or for Kelley.

“You alright over there space cadet?” Jerri asked, nudging your shoulder and pulling your brain from where you were trying to decipher the tiny writing on the menu.

You blinked up at the four women, realizing that they (and the waiter) were staring expectantly at you. “What?”

“Kell asked if you were ready to order,” Jen supplied patiently.

You were just grateful that no one giggled, but you blushed anyway.

You tried to cover it by snapping your menu closed. “Oh, yeah,”

Kelley blinked at you, gesturing towards the waitress. “What are you going to order?”

You felt the heat in your cheeks travel up to your ears, but still, you tried to play it off. “Oh, you guys can go first,”

Jerri shook her head, placing her hand gently on your arm. “We already have sweetheart,”

You frowned, squinting down at your closed menu. You had missed them ordering, and now you didn’t have time to try and decipher the hieroglyphic font the restaurant had chosen. Not that you would have been able to.

The letters tended to go more haywire when you were stressed, and you would be damned before you asked someone to help you. Your jaw worked as you thought of what to say. What could you say?

“You love chicken parm, and I heard it’s good here,” Alex said casually like it was normal to suggest food items after everyone else had already ordered. “or they have a very good salmon in pink sauce if you’re feeling something lighter,”

Your eyes darted to her for the first time since you had sat down at the stable, and your jaw hung open.

Alex intervening so seamlessly when you were struggling wasn’t something that had happened since she moved to Berkeley (you couldn’t help how you sneered the word in your head).

Jerri nudged you again, and you cleared your throat, your eyes still glued to Alex.

“The salmon sounds good actually,” You mumbled, finally getting your voice to work.

The waitress hummed, and you heard her little ticket book close. “I’ll go put that in,”

You were sure that Kelley or Jen responded to the girl, but you didn’t look away from Alex.

It was just so…not Alex of her. For her to have options ready and waiting meant that she had to have thought that you might have trouble. She had to have consciously decided to look for options that you would like too, and to have more than one so you actually got to choose.

It meant that she cared.

You swallowed very hard. That thought was too overwhelming.

Now, at the dinner, after she just got engaged was not the time to contemplate if Alex even had the capability to care about you. It would again make the evening about you when it most certainly was not.

You could feel the eyes of Kelley and your sisters, despite the way they restarted their conversation. It was like they were watching a car crash or a roller coaster derail.

You felt like a spectacle. Like you were drawing attention when you absolutely should not be. It had alarm bells ringing in your ears.

What would your parents say when they heard you had ruined your sister’s engagement dinner?

It was like the walls were closing in, as the conversation at the table blended with the noise from the restaurant around you. It was suffocating.

You didn’t think before you pushed yourself to your feet, nearly knocking over the chair behind you.

“I’m gonna take a bathroom break,” You said, turning on your heel without waiting for a response, not that you would have registered it through the pounding in your ears.

You needed to get away.

To leave.

To put space between you and this version of Alex that somehow gave a fuck about you.

You bypassed the hallway that led to the restroom, knowing that someone would eventually find you there. You turned right, brushing past the hostess and out the glass doors into the city.

The chilly air hit you like a gasping breath after being underwater for too long. Like water after a practice in Houston in July.

You paused just outside the crystal doors, filling your lungs like you had been drowning.

You knew you couldn’t stand there forever, blocking the entrance to Osteria Carlina, so you headed left, in the direction of your favorite hole-in-the-wall pizza place between Canal and Broadway.

You didn't plan to eat there, but you thought that maybe the walk would help you clear your head, and you could be back in time to eat your overpriced salmon. Something about the smell of fresh sauce and baked cheese always made your thoughts clearer.

It reminded you of when you were tiny and Alex would take you for pizza after your u6 games. It reminded you of riding on her shoulders on top of the world, even if none of the goals actually mattered.

Even if you lost.

You just needed a minute to not think, so you could go back and pretend like everything was fine. Like you didn’t feel entirely out of place with your sisters and Kelley. And you knew that the sounds of the city and the familiar comfort would do that.

You could already feel your airway opening, but you reached up and undid the top two buttons of your shirt anyway as though it would help. It was all in your head anyway.

It was always all in your head.

You ran a hand through your hair, your nose scrunching involuntarily at the sticky gel you had used to keep your curls in place. You had forgotten your normal wax in Chicago, and the CVS near your hotel wanted 15$ for it.

You wanted to look nice for Alex and Kelley, but 15$ wax was not in your budget. Still, you couldn’t not do anything with your hair. Wild curls would draw attention to you, and you couldn’t do that.

You couldn’t make this night about you and ruin it for them.

God, you probably already had.

“If you’re going to ditch us can you please slow down? It’s the least you could do,”

Your heart stopped at Alex’s voice, and your feet paused before you consciously decided to listen. You had to swallow down a groan.

Of course, she had come after you.

It was such an Alex thing to do.

You ran another hand through your hair and turned to face her. “What are you doing?”

Her eyebrows pulled together as she finally caught up with you. “I’m making sure you’re okay,”

She said it like it was obvious. Like it was normal. Like she wasn’t sure why you would ask.

“I’m fine,” You mumbled, your hand dragging through your curls to the back of your neck. “Go back to dinner and I’ll rejoin you in a bit,”

Her eyebrow arched. “I think running out of the restaurant constitutes just about anything other than fine,”

You couldn’t help how your nose scrunched.

This was the part of your relationship that you had forgotten about. The one that had been masked by annoying persistence since she moved out for college.

The one where she actually cared enough to force you to admit when something was wrong.

She was pushing you, but it didn’t feel like it was for her benefit. It was for you.

Your hand fell. “I just needed some air,” Your voice came out horse, strained.

Alex hummed, stepping closer to you. “You got overwhelmed.”

It was a statement, not a question, and it struck you how well she knew you, even though the two of you hadn’t had a real conversation in nearly a decade.

You stared at her, trying to understand her game. Trying to figure out why she was pretending to care. Trying to dissect how this would benefit her and her perfect image.

“What do you want from me?” You were thrown off by how small you sounded. How young and… terrified the words that left your lips were.

Alex caught your arm pulling you into her, closing the little space left between you. “I want you to talk to me,”

“No,” You instantly pulled away from her, tangling your fingers in your messy curls yet again. “I will not be a distraction,”

“What?” Her eyebrows pulled more tightly together.

Your fingers caught in a curl at the back of your head, the one that always seemed to tangle no matter what you did. You harshly tugged at it, the little pinpricks of pain helping you stay grounded.

Except this time it didn't help.

It didn’t give you enough to focus on to crack some smart-ass remark or shove your feelings into a tiny box.

It was too much.

“It’s all I’ve ever been,” The words spilled from your lips before you could stop them, like blood gushing from an open wound that you had tried and failed to stitch together too many times before.

Alex softened, and she took a step towards you, gently catching your arm and pulling it towards her, effectively stopping your from ripping your hair out.

“Monkey,” She said softly.

You jerked away, like a wounded animal. You would not let her pretend that she didn’t think that. That she didn’t hate how you followed after her when you were young, that she didn’t despise how you distracted from her.

“No! I heard you. I’m just the spare Morgan chasing after you, taking people’s attention off of you, and joining in uninvited on your opportunities. This will not be like that. I won’t fuck this up for you. You need to go back, and I’ll be there in a few minutes,”

The words forced themselves out of your lips like they had been waiting to leave for forever. They broke you apart as you choked trying to hold in your emotions. As you fought to close the lid back on Pandora’s box.

Alex caught you again, pulling you into her, and you quaked against her chest, sucking in strangled breaths. Her arms wrapped around you, squeezing you tightly, just like she did when you were little after a busy trip to the mall when the crowds had made your tummy flutter.

You didn’t fight her, instead burying your face in her neck, curling into her like you hadn’t since she left for college.

She held you like the two of you had all the time in the world. Like you weren't on a random sidewalk with random people walking around you.

She didn’t pull back until your trembling had slowed and your breathing had evened out, and she very gently ran her thumb under your eyes.

You hadn’t even realized you were crying.

“What the hell are you talking about?” She asked when your eyes met her identical blue.

“You said it,” You mumbled, sniffing lightly.

Alex’s eyes scrunched and a crinkle appeared between them. “When?”

“I was trying to surprise you at Berkley. Mom thought I had practice, and I took the bus. I heard you,” You said, your eyes closing as that day played back through your head.

It had taken some serious convincing from Jen that Alex missed you, and that she was desperate to see you since you had gone radio silent on her. You had been so excited as you waited near the Berkeley bleachers for their practice to finish.

She had been walking with one of her teammates, and they were talking about someone Coach McGuire was going to invite to practice.

“It just makes no sense, why would he extend that kind of an offer to a kid?” The girl you didn’t recognize said, nudging your sister as they stepped off the field. “Like fuck, it has to suck to always have your younger sister getting opportunities off of your hard work,”

Alex hummed, shifting her bag over her shoulder, and you moved to be more hidden under the bleachers.

The little sound was like a knife in your chest, deflating the balloon of excitement that had been there since you snuck out this morning.

Alex didn’t want to see you. She thought you were getting things off of her hard work.

“Don’t they understand that you want something that’s yours?” The girl continued, and you bit down hard on your lip to stop the tears from leaking down your cheeks. “You should have to deal with her being a distraction from your greatness,”

You would never cry for Alex again.

You shook your head and refocused on Alex in front of you, shoving away the cracking feeling in your stomach.

“Go back to your dinner. I’ll be there in a bit,” You said, forcing your voice steady. Emotionless. In control. “I promise Alex. I just needed some air,”

“No,” Alex said sternly, her arm tightening around you so you couldn’t pull away. “Don’t do that. Don’t shut down on me. I'm not going anywhere,”

You blinked at her, fighting to swallow the warmth that spread through you. It couldn’t be real. She couldn’t be honest about this.

You had already resolved that she didn’t actually care about you. That she loathed the responsibility of you from when you were younger. You couldn’t wrap your head around anything else.

And before you could stop it the strangled “Why?” Fell from your lips.

She chuckled, running her thumb under your eyes again and wiping away the tears that would not stop. “Because I fucking love you, and I can’t read your fucking mind, no matter how many times I told you I could when you were little,”

You knew the comment was meant to draw a chuckle or a smile, but it didn’t.

Alex ducked her head when you tried to look away, not letting you break eye contact. Not letting you bury your emotions and draw back into yourself. Making sure you heard her. “I want to fix our relationship. I’ve wanted to fix it since you stopped talking to me when I moved out. I don’t understand what happened, even though I probably should, and I can’t if you don’t tell me,”

You sniffled, unable to stop yourself from leaning into her touch as her thumb ran circles under your eyes, clearing away the tears as they continued to fall. It warmed your cheeks, and traveled down to your tummy. It made you feel… safe. Something you hadn’t really felt that way (aside from when you were with Taylor) since you were 12.

The two of you stood like that for a long minute, stuck in your own bubble, uncaring of the crowds rushing around you.

It took you another moment to realize Alex’s eyebrow was raised, and that she was looking at you like she always had when she expected a response.

You swallowed hard. “Ok,”

The word was simple but held a weight not lost on either of you. What you were agreeing to wasn’t lost, and neither was the vulnerability it took to let it out.

Alex’s head tilted, a smile tugging at her lips. “Ok.”

You nodded, finally pulling yourself out of her grasp and wiping your face with your arm. “I’ll try. Old habits die hard,”

“I know,” Alex hummed, and you knew she was saying more.

She was saying that she knew how hard it was for you to voice your feelings sometimes. How difficult it was for you to be open.

She was saying that she knew you.

And it had a warm feeling filtering deep in your tummy.

You looked away, clearing your throat. “We should go back. It’s your night and you should get to enjoy it,”

Alex sighed.“ This doesn’t change my ability to enjoy my night. If you need more time, we have plenty,”

Your shoulders rolled, and your back straightened. Your fingers tangled in the baby hairs at the back of your neck.

It was something Alex had seen a million times. The way you pieced yourself back together, even when you didn’t necessarily have to. Even when you weren’t ready to.

It was unsettling, how little this part of you had changed.

“The only bad thing about the city lights is that you can’t see the stars,” She said, watching how the abrupt change in subject took an immediate effect.

You blinked at her, your eyes instinctively glancing upward towards the sky, and your shoulders relaxing.

Bingo she thought.

You might not have had a conversation with her in years, but she still knew you. And your obsession with astronomy… well more like your obsession with Greek mythology and stars… hadn’t changed.

You hadn’t changed all that much. Well, most of you, no matter how much you wanted to pretend otherwise.

“Canis Minor is there,” You mumbled, pointing up at the sky barely visible surrounded by the neon lights of the city. “And Vela and Volans are there. It’s hard, but you can make them out,”

She hummed, not at all surprised that you could pick out the constellations even when you could only see a small part of them. But that wasn’t the point.

The point was how you relaxed.

You looked back towards her, your hand dropping as you let out a shaky breath.

“Let’s go back,” You said. “I don’t want your food to get cold,”

Alex nodded. “As long as you’re ready,”

You made a low sound in the back of your throat and turned back towards the restaurant. “Let’s go,”

She signed, reminding herself that everything wouldn’t be fixed in a day. You wouldn’t be fixed in a day. It would take baby steps, and you had given her more today than you had in years.

“Ok,” She agreed, letting you lead her back towards the restaurant, and your family.

*****

“You sure you don’t want a ride kid?” Kelley asked, wrapping an arm around your shoulder.

You nodded, forcing a smile across your lips. “Oh yeah, I’m good,”

The end of dinner had actually been nice.

No one had said a thing when you and Alex returned to the table, just before your food arrived. The conversation had been light, focused on the proposal, and no one had tried to force you to join in.

They hadn’t even batted an eyelash when you pulled out your phone to text your girlfriend about where you would be sleeping, and made eye contact with the two men who had taken up a table in the back corner of the restaurant.

Desert had been… almost pain-free, which set you on edge.

Nothing in your family came without a cost, and you wondered what it would be. Especially since Alex had come after you.

But everyone said their goodbyes and headed to their cars with very little fanfare.

All except for Kelley who was worried when you lingered near the entrance of the restaurant.

“You don’t have to stand here with me,” you said, glancing down the street, looking for the familiar black Escalade you assumed Taylor would be sending to retrieve you. You figured Tony was driving, since he had disappeared, leaving Zach to linger a few feet away from you. “I'm just waiting for my Uber,”

Kelley made a low noise. “And while I’m sure your new mob friends could take care of you, Alex would kill me if I left you here without knowing your plan,”

You blew out a breath, a strange warmth in your stomach at the thought that Alex would care. “My ride should be just around the corner. You can go, and I’ll be fine,”

It didn’t even bug you that Emily had apparently convinced her you were in the mob too.

“Burrito girl?” She asked, her features softening.

You nodded, glancing sideways toward where Alex was standing. “Satisfied now?”

You weren’t ready for your older sister to know yet. You weren’t ready to hear about how you weren’t mature enough. Or how your reputation would impact your relationship.

You didn’t want to be lectured about how much older Taylor was.

Kelley wiggled her eyebrows as a black Escalade pulled around the corner. “Very,”

“You’re far too smug about this,” You huffed, again glancing towards your sister, who still seemed oblivious to your conversation.

Kelley followed your eyes, and her smirk softened. “You know she wouldn’t be upset that you’re seeing someone right? She just wants you to be happy,”

“I know,” You mumbled, feeling the kid you had forced over your emotions rattle in your chest. You had already been too vulnerable tonight. “I just… I’m still figuring it all out, and I don’t want the pressure yet,”

Kelley made a low noise of agreement in the back of her throat. Like she wanted to argue with you, but knew you weren’t in a place to listen.

You wondered how much she knew about your earlier moment with Alex. How she knew so well not to push.

The black Escalade came to a smooth stop in front of you, and Zach stepped up from behind you to stand near the rear passenger door.

You appreciated that he didn’t say anything.

“Tell your burrito mob boss hello,” Kelley said, patting your back. “And I’ll take care of your sister,”

You rolled your eyes goodnaturedly at her before Zach opened the door for you and you slid into the backseat of the car.

Zach closed the door behind you and was in the passenger seat before you could think too hard about what Kelley had said.

“To Taylor’s apartment?” Tony asked you, glancing at you in the rearview mirror. “Or did you want to make a pitstop first?”

You blinked at him, not expecting to have a choice in where he was taking you. You figured Taylor had given him instructions already. That he would do whatever she told him to because she was the one paying his (probably incomprehensibly expensive) salary.

You cleared your throat, meeting his eyes in the mirror. “Taylor’s apartment is fine, thanks,”

“No problem kid,” He winked, his eyes returning to the street ahead of him.

Zach reached forward and flicked the radio, letting quiet pop fill the car, and you relaxed back into the leather seats.

It was weird. This was weird. You felt so… off balance after your moment with Alex. It made you feel so vulnerable.

You needed to get rid of the raw feeling in your chest. You needed control.

You swallowed hard and looked out the window as the lights of the city passed.

*****

One thing you absolutely loved about Taylor’s apartment was that it was always stocked with sweets. And since you had started dating, your favorites seemed to appear alongside the treats that she enjoyed.

“How was dinner?” She asked you, passing you the container of chocolate frosting as you sat on her kitchen counter.

She was dressed in short shorts and an old Philadelphia Eagles shirt, her feet bare. She was relaxed and comfortable. Which felt like a stark contrast to needles prickling in your stomach. The pins tingling the back of your neck.

She had been waiting for you near the elevator when the SUV pulled into her private garage, and she welcomed you with a hug that was so… warm that it almost made you forget how raw you felt.

She held you as you ascended to her apartment, and all the way into her kitchen, asking if you were up for a bit of dessert.

You were surprised she hadn’t immediately tried to get you to talk about dinner with your sisters and Kelley. That she didn’t pry into it the second she had the chance like Mal would have.

Now you found that you didn’t mind the question.

“Fine,” You shrugged, sticking a spoon in the frosting and twisting it around, lifting it to examine the scoop you had made. “They mostly gushed over the ring Kelley picked, and how romantic it was to propose on the Empire State Building,”

You licked your spoon, pulling it into your mouth, and your eyes closed at the taste.

It was silky and smooth, much better than the cheap frosting you always brought.

“You don’t think it’s gush-worthy?” Taylor asked when your eyes fluttered back open.

You paused, thinking about it for a long second as you got another scoop of frosting.

You actually thought Kelley’s proposal was sweet. It combined some of your sister’s favorite things and one of her favorite places. It made sense.

But it was so cliché.

“For Alex it is,” You shrugged, sticking the spoon in your mouth, swirling your tongue around the ridges to get all of the delicious chocolate.

Taylor hummed, stepping up between your legs, her hands running gently over the dark denim of our jeans. “But it’s not what you would want?”

You shook your head, scooping a bit more frosting on your spoon.

“I think I’d want something more creative,” You said, your lips quirked up, as you held the spoon out for her. “You know, like under the Eiffel Tower,”

“So original,” She rolled her eyes, letting you slip the spoon past her lips.

Sharing food with her was a habit you had picked up. Something that settled the nagging feeling in the back of your mind that she was too skinny. That there was something… wrong with her relationship to food.

Her fingers tightened around your thighs and you tilted the spoon up and her chin tilted to follow, exposing the long lines of her neck. You traced them with your eyes, swallowing hard.

It had want bubbling in your stomach alongside the needles. It had you leaning into where you knew this evening was heading. Into the coping mechanism that hadn’t failed you yet, even though you so desperately wanted things with Taylor to be different.

But maybe tonight they didn’t have to be.

You hummed, pulling the spoon away.

She let her tongue trail along it, her eyes fluttering open to make eye contact with you. “That’s good,”

“You bought it, so I would hope you like it,”

You dipped the spoon back into the container, pulling up a glob of frosting and bringing it to your lips.

She watched you intently, waiting for the spoon to leave your mouth with a little pop before very slowly leaning in. It gave you enough time to pull away if you wanted to, but you didn’t want to.

You needed this. To feel in control.

You leaned forward, connecting your lips in a languid kiss. Her tongue gently pressed against your lips, and you opened your mouth to grant her access.

It carefully explored around your mouth, dancing with your tongue in a slow waltz, licking the residual frosting from every surface it touched.

She let out a low noise in the back of her throat as she pulled away. “That one tasted better,”

You wiggled your eyebrows, dropping the spoon back into the container. “Did it now?”

“It did,” She nodded, her thumbs running up and down your thighs.

You leaned forward, connecting your lips again and slowly sliding off the counter. Your hands landed heavily on her hips and her arms draped across your shoulders, pulling you closer, her fingers playing with the baby hairs at the back of your neck.

It was easy for you to snatch control of the kiss, Taylor gave it to you willingly.

It should have smoothed over the frayed edges of your nerves. It should have quieted your thoughts and made you more present.

Instead, you slipped farther into your head.

You replayed the feelings of Alex’s hand in your hair, the weight of her arm around you. How you had made a promise you weren’t sure you really wanted to keep.

Your lips never left her as she took a step back towards the hallway that led to her room, and you slipped your fingers under the hem of her shirt, skating along the waistband of her shorts.

You loved the smooth skin there, and the goosebumps that trailed after your light touch. They distracted you so much that you didn’t notice her turning down the hallway until you were stumbling over your feet to keep up.

Her lips tilted into a smirk as she used her newfound leverage to switch your position.

Your back hit the wall with a low thump. Her lips reattached to yours, one hand tangling in the hair at the base of your skull, and the other cupped your chin as she pressed you into the wall, her thigh landing heavily between your legs.

It was more demanding, more needy, more in control.

It jarred you out of your head. Out of the rabbit hole of how being honest with Alex would help you link the back line to the front line better. Of how it would allow more line breaking balls through towards the edge where your sister always danced to stay onside.

“You didn’t think I was a pillow princess did you?” She asked, winking at your surprised eyes.

You let out a sigh at the pressure against your core, doing everything in your power to prevent your hips from pulling back when she rocked against you.

This you weren’t used to. This you had never done with anyone besides Mal.

You sucked in a breath through your nose, deciding to focus on the things that you enjoyed. You leaned into the kiss.

You liked the way her tongue explored your mouth. You liked how her fingers twitched against your jaw before they made their way to your collar.

Your head tilted to give her more room as she began trailing warm, wet kisses down your neck.

A shiver ran down your spine when she hit the spot just below your right ear, and you let out another low sigh. She echoed the sound, her fingers deft as they undid the first button of your shirt.

She let the blunt nail of her pointer finger graze your collarbone, trailing after her as she moved to the next button, leaving flames in its wake.

Goosebumps erupted on the newly exposed skin, and you felt her smirk against your neck.

Her long fingers splayed across your abs, tapping out a rhythm you couldn’t define.

“Do you know how amazing these are?” She asked, her warm breath hitting the damp skin of your neck and sending a shiver down your spine as her fingers tapped you a bit harder. “I think about them all the time. It’s not fair that I’ve only gotten glimpses of them, especially with how much you show them off,”

“You were a bit distracted,” You smirked, projecting confidence that you didn’t feel, your fingers closing around her hips, trying to maintain a sliver of control.

She flexed her thigh again to prevent you from flipping your positions though.

“Hmm,” She hummed, a devilish smile cracking across her lips as she dropped to her knees. Your breath caught in your throat, and you splayed your hands on the wall behind you, trying to hide how much they were shaking.

You didn’t know how to handle this. How to do this.

“Well I’m not distracted now, and I’m going to give them the attention they deserve,” She said, her hands moving the edges of your shirt out of the way.

You raised an eyebrow at her. “Are you now?”

Your voice barely wobbled as you spoke, and you took it as a win.

“I am,” she nodded, determination glinting in her eyes. She leaned forward, placing an open mouth kiss on the abb right above your left hip. Her tongue followed the ridge of the muscle to the other side.

you bit your bottom lip and allowed your head to fall back against the wall with a low thump.

You liked this touch. More than any touch you had ever had before. You had never let anyone get this far before, not even Mal really.

Things had been quick with her, like touching you was an unpleasant chore. One neither of you had ever been fond of.

This. This was different.

Taylor took her time, lavishing each individual muscle as her warm mouth traveled around your stomach. A chill trailed after her lips, the air landing on your wet skin sending goosebumps across your flesh, stoking a foreign fire in your belly that was almost enough to quiet the growing dread.

Almost.

She made her way up your stomach, placing a line of kisses up your chest and collarbone before she again landed on the special spot on your neck.

“Let’s get you out of these pants,”

You sucked in a harsh breath through your nose, forcing yourself to remain relaxed. You tried to enjoy the feeling of her hands tracing the residue left on your stomach. Tried to focus on the softness of her lips on your neck and the scent of her perfume.

Tried to let it drive away ghosts of calloused fingers and gruff voices.

It almost worked.

Then her thumb flicked open the button of your jeans, and you couldn’t temper your reaction. You couldn’t quell the growing anxiety in your chest. You froze, every muscle in your body going rigid for a split second before you could force them to relax again.

You hoped that Taylor wouldn’t notice, but she did.

“Y/n?” She said softly as she pulled back, her hands retreating from their position at your waist to cup your cheek, and her leg falling from between yours.

Your eyes slowly fluttered open and met very worried blue. You could see the questions forming. The concern dripped from her form.

But you knew you couldn’t answer. You weren’t ready to unlock Pandora's box yet. Not when you knew you would never be able to shut it again. You only knew one way to stop her from asking. One way to regain control.

You surged forward, your hands on her hips giving you the leverage to push her back against the wall opposite of you. Your mouth landed hot against her neck, lavishing the soft skin with open-mouthed kisses, and your thigh slotted between her legs pressing into her core with the perfect amount of pressure to distract her.

“I’m ok,” You muttered hotly into her ear, pressing more firmly into her center. “Let me make you feel good,”

She sucked in a breath, her hips stuttering like they wanted to grind against you, but she wouldn’t let them.

You dragged your tongue down her neck, letting your teeth just barely graze her sensitive skin, and rocked your hips. Your thumbs scared along the sliver of skin just above her shorts trying to convince her to just go with it.

To let her let you distract her.

You thought for a second that it had worked, as a low groan left her lips. You thought that maybe you had… derailed her enough to forget about your momentary lapse in the hold you had on your emotions. But just as you went to slip your hand into her pants she stopped you.

Her palm pressed firmly into your chest, insistent until you pulled away enough to make eye contact with her.

“I want us to both feel good,” she said sternly.

You swallowed at the comment, fighting to keep your face neutral.

“Making you feel good will make me feel good,” You said, trying to lean back in, but the hand on your chest stopped you.

“Y/n you tensed,” She said, her blue eyes burning into yours, looking for answers, the charge between you melting away.

You sighed as you pulled away from her until your back hit the wall opposite of her. You ran a hand through your messy curls and glared up at her ceiling, unable to look at her.

You were afraid that if you did, she would be able to read your mind. She would see the… brokenness you fought so hard to hide. But you had never been able to hide from Taylor.

Even before you were dating, you had let her closer to you than anyone had ever gotten before. She was scarily perceptive and had been able to read you from the beginning of your friendship even better than Mal could (and that was saying something). Her abilities only seemed to get more acute as you got closer.

This was the only area she hadn’t seemed to pick up on.

You let yourself slide down the wall, your eyes closing as you sucked in another breath. You still felt so raw from your talk with Alex. Too… vulnerable. Like opening up again would finally crack your chest in half.

“I’m,” You started and stopped, unsure of what you were actually going to say. “I’m not good at receiving,”

You settled on the phrase, drawing up the courage to finally open your eyes, pulling your knees close to your chest and resting your chin on them.

You were surprised that Taylor had slid down her own wall so she was sitting across from you and mirroring your posture.

She made a low sound in the back of her throat, and her eyebrows furrowed. “You’re not good at it?”

There was no judgment in her voice. None of the disgust you expected.

“I can’t ever get out of my head enough to… enjoy it I guess,” You cleared your throat and looked away from her, ignoring the heat in your cheeks. “No one’s ever noticed before”

It was a semi-truth. In your slew of hookups, no one had ever cared. No one had pushed back when you stopped them. No one had ever not let you distract them.

But then again, Taylor was nothing like your hookups.

You actually had feelings for her that stretched beyond self-loathing and the need to be in control of something. To be good enough. There was nothing quite like the rush that came from making a beautiful woman fall apart under you. It was irrefutable evidence that you were capable.

Taylor’s eyes tightened. It physically hurt her that none of your past partners (if she could call them that) had cared enough beyond their own needs to see the obvious. And that you were willing to bypass your own comfort so someone else could feel good.

She wanted to kick herself for not noticing that something was wrong sooner.

“You’ve never talked through limits or likes and dislikes with any of the people you’ve slept with?”

You ran another hand through your hair (making it impossibly more messy) and let out a very long breath.

You shrugged. “We were never doing anything beyond vanilla and it never progressed past a few one-sided orgasms,”

You had never let any of them touch you. Hell, you hadn’t even gotten undressed for most of them. The thought of doing anything… kinky sent a shiver down your spine so you hadn’t. It was just easier to keep distance from the people you slept with. It was safer that way.

Taylor shifted, very slowly scooting towards you, reaching out to place a gentle hand on your foot like she thought you would freak out if she moved too fast.

“Well, I think there’s a need now,” Taylor said, watching your every movement.

Your eyes were scarily hollow, accented by the red that rimmed them from the time you had made it to her apartment. She had wanted to ask about it. Pushed just a little to find out if you had been crying, and why. But you didn’t seem to want to talk about it.

You had pivoted to sex almost as soon as she tried to bring it up. It sent red flags up in her mind. Red flags that only got brighter.

She couldn’t help but replay every interaction the two of you had had in her mind. There would be time to agonize over every little detail later, but even now, your… reluctance to undress, or allow her to touch you was glaringly obvious. How the moment she flipped your typical script, you couldn’t hide it anymore.

She was slightly ashamed she hadn’t noticed it before. That she had ignored the signs of your discomfort, even if they were well masked.

Have you ever wanted to have sex? Had she put you in a position where you didn’t feel like you could refuse?

She never wanted you to feel forced, whether that was about talking about how you were feeling or having sex. She wanted you to feel comfortable enough to tell her when you weren’t ok with something.

Your nose dipped behind your thighs, your forehead pressed into your knees, and you squeezed your arms more tightly around them like you were literally trying to hold yourself together.

Her heart broke a little more at the barely audible “ok” that left your lips.

She scooted closer to you, her hand carefully drawing up your shin and weaving in your curls. Her nails scratched gently on your scalp, and you practically melted.

Your shoulders relaxed and you let out a long breath before you shifted to look up at her, your chin balanced on your knees.

She brushed a curl from in front of your eyes. “When did you start to feel uncomfortable?”

You scrunched your nose. It was a hard question.

You weren’t sure how you were supposed to explain that your mind went to soccer as soon as anything remotely intimate started. How were you supposed to explain that you were just defective?

But maybe you didn’t have to.

She didn’t ask you that. All she asked was when you started to feel uncomfortable, and that answer was easy.

It was the moment your back hit the wall. The moment you were jarred out of the safe space in your head.

The moment she forced you to be present, unlike every other girl you had ever been with.

But you weren’t entirely uncomfortable. Maybe at the start, but you had enjoyed parts of being with her. You wanted to enjoy being with her. But you were just… incapable. Defectives

You settled for a shrug, curling tighter into yourself. You didn’t want her to see how… fucked up you were. It would only push her away.

That’s what pushed Mal away. And Alex. And your parents.

You would never be good enough, and you had just wanted to pretend as long as you could. You weren’t ready to lose Taylor yet.

“Ok. It’s ok,” Taylor’s voice was gentle, and her hand trailed to tangle in the baby curls at the back of your neck. “Let’s try something else. Can you tell me what you liked?”

Your eyebrows furrowed. “This time?”

“Any of the times,” She said soothingly, her fingers never stopping their gentle scratches at the back of your neck.

You closed your eyes, leaning back into her hand. “I like it when you do this,”

She hummed, and you could hear a smile in it. “Anything else?”

“I like kissing you,” You mumbled, feeling the red flair in your cheeks.

Her lips always tasted like coffee, and something so… Taylor. They were addictive in the best way.

“And I like holding you,” You added. There was something comforting about having her in your arms. Something that made you feel safe. “And I like it when you hold me,”

“But the rest?” She asked you gently.

Your shoulders lifted and fell. You did what was expected of you. What you knew worked.

You went with the flow just like Emily told you too, and then had been too caught in your head to savor the moment. To take in all of the little details that you wanted to remember. No matter how hard you fought, you just… couldn’t.

You quite liked touching her too, but you knew there was something wrong with your inability to remain in the moment when you did. You knew that she deserved for you to be present.

“I’m just not good at receiving,” You repeated, misery leaking into your tone.

It was the only response you could come up with. The only explanation that remotely made sense. This was when she would realize you were… defective. This was when she would leave. But she didn’t.

She gently squeezed the back of your neck. A silent request for you to look at her and a comforting touch that told you that it was ok. It took you a second to gain the courage to look up, but when you did, you didn’t see the disgust you expected.

Her eyes were soft, sad, and they held another emotion you couldn’t quite put your finger on. “I like holding and kissing you too,”

She shifted a little closer to you, so her knee was touching yours. “And I’ll hold and kiss you for as long as you’ll let me, at whatever pace makes you feel comfortable,”

You made a low noise.

It was strange. Conceptually, you could understand what she was saying, but you had never been with someone who didn’t judge you based on your ability to give them an orgasm. You wondered how long her patience would last. How long would she stay when she realized how deeply you were fucked up.

“How about we go cuddle on the couch and watch a movie?” She asked, squeezing the back of your neck gently.

Your nose scrunched as she pulled away, pushing herself to her feet and holding her hand out to you. “You know I don’t like movies,”

You didn’t have the attention span for them, and you would inevitably get bored halfway through.

She hummed, wiggling her fingers so you would take her hand. “How about survivor then?”

Your tension melted at the mention of your favorite show, and your easy smile returned to your features.

“Yes! We have to watch Heroes vs Villains so you can see Russel at his finest,” You said, allowing her to pull you into her side.

“Whatever you want sunshine,” She kissed your forehead and guided you back towards her living room.

It felt like going to her bedroom was too much, too fast. She didn’t want you to think she had some… expectations despite the clear signs that you were not ready to progress past cuddling. Not while you would so easily compromise your limits.

Not while your limits still felt so unclear.

She knew that it would take time to work through that, and she was willing to wait and help you for as long as it took.

*****

Soft morning light filtered into your consciousness, waking you gently. You breathed in deeply, shifting on a bed that you knew wasn’t yours.

It smelled like lilacs and Taylor’s perfume, sweet and inviting and safe. You could hear soft music from somewhere else in the apartment and felt cool sheets next to you.

You frowned, pushing yourself to a sitting position with a yawn. It was rare you woke up after Taylor. That you slept in in general.

But it shouldn’t have surprised you with what had happened last night. Sure, the two of you had fallen asleep together just after Pavarti and Russel had schemed to take down the Hero’s tribe during the merge. Taylor held you just like she promised, but you should have known it wouldn’t last.

A good nights sleep had opened her eyes. She had reflected and decided you were too… broken to be worth it.

“Fuck,” You mumbled, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes with the palms of your hands.

You should have stopped her before she got to your pants. You should have been more subtle and slipped your position instead of tensing.

You should have been prepared to lose hold on the iron box that held your emotions. You should have had more control.

But you didn’t, and now you were most likely going to lose your girlfriend.

She would break up with you in the sweetest way possible. She would say that it was her. That she was the problem, and you would accept that.

You would nod along, and make it easy for her. Just like you had with Mal when she told you that Dansby was her soulmate. That he was so good and perfect.

You dragged your hands up your face, and into your hair, ruffling your messy curls as you pushed yourself out of bed. There was no point in drawing this out longer than it needed to be.

You stretched, pulling your shirt down over your boxers as you padded out of Taylor’s room towards the sound of the music. You could also make out soft voices as you got closer. Your eyebrows furrowed. Who was Taylor talking to?

You peeked your head around the corner, your frown deepening when you saw a redhead sitting at the island across from Taylor, a large stack of papers sitting to the right of her, drinking a cup of coffee and humming to a song you had never heard before.

Why was she here?

Taylor turned from the stove, catching sight of you before you could hide back behind the wall. “Hey babe, good morning,” She said brightly, smiling widely at you.

“Morning,” You said slowly, stepping out from behind the hallway wall.

She gestured to the woman across from her. “This is Tree,”

“Hello,” You waved awkwardly at the redhead.

“She just swang by to hear a bit of the new album,” Taylor explained easily, turning back towards the cabinets. “Do you want some coffee?”

Tree smiled brilliantly at you, showing off perfectly white teeth in a way that surprisingly didn’t feel forced.

But you could sense the lie in Taylor’s explanation of why her publicist was there. Of why the woman who handled all of Taylor’s outward appearances appeared with a massive contract right after you had shown her how defective you were?

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” She said, pushing out the stool next to her, a clear invitation to sit.

You shifted awkwardly from foot to foot and dragged a hand through your hair.

Neither of them seemed… angry. Or like they were plotting the fastest way to get you out of the apartment. But you didn’t trust it. All of your instincts told you not to.

“Nice to meet you too,” You said slowly, stepping towards the stool and gesturing to the stack of papers. “Listen, I’ll sign whatever you want me to sign. Can I just take a shower before you kick me out?”

“What?” Taylor and Tree said in unison, Taylor nearly dropping the mug she was holding and Tree’s eyes tightening.

“I just hate to put on clean clothes without showering,” You scratched more insistently at the back of your neck, your fingers tangling in the tight curls at the base of your skull. “And Alex and Kelley would think it’s weird if I show up to their house in what I wore last night, and I won’t be able to accurately answer their questions,”

Taylor’s eyebrows pulled tightly together and she set the mug down, stepping closer to the island. “Y/n, slow down,”

You ignored her. You knew you were rambling at this point but you couldn’t stop yourself. “I promise I’ll be in and out in like 5 minutes. I won’t even do my hair,”

“Y/n stop,” Taylor moved around the island, catching your hand as it began to tug at the roots of your curls.

“What are you talking about?” She asked you softly, ducking to catch your eye.

“You’re going to break up with me because of what happened,” You rushed out, catching her frown and immediately backtracking. “Which is totally fine. I understand that you want someone… with less baggage. I just want to take a shower before you make me leave,”

“I’m not breaking up with you,”

You blinked at her. What was that supposed to mean?

Was she going to make you do it so she could be the good guy? Was her publicist there to witness it so they could write a story about it?

“Do you want me to break up with you then?” You asked, softly. You hated the fragility in your voice.

Taylor’s head cocked to the side and she raised an eyebrow at you. “No,”

It was your turn to frown. “I don’t understand what’s happening,”

“I’m not breaking up with you. You’re not breaking up with me,” She said like it was simple, tugging you towards the stools. “You’re going to sit down and drink your coffee while I make breakfast. You can talk to Tree if you like, or just listen to some of the tracks from my new album. But no one is getting kicked out or leaving,”

“Oh,” You breathed out, your shoulders dropping. “I don’t like eggs,”

“I know,” Taylor rolled her eyes, an amused smirk on her lips as she turned back towards the counter. “I’m making pancakes,”

“With chocolate chips?” You asked, watching her warily as you took the seat next to Tree slowly.

You felt like you were in a stupid rom-com that Alex would like. Like you were the idiot boyfriend who was lost.

“Of course,” Taylor hummed, sliding you a mug. “Drink your coffee,”

“So I heard you’re going to be playing for Washington this season,” Tree said, and you really looked at her for the first time.

Her eyes were kind, and she actually seemed… interested.

“If they ever get me a place to live,” You shrugged, clearing your throat. “Their manager keeps giving me the runaround and preseason starts in like 2 weeks,”

Her eyebrows pulled tightly together and she tapped her perfectly manicured nail on the edge of her mug, just beside the tea bag string. “They haven’t figured that out yet?”

“No. The only option they sent me doesn’t allow pets, which is a serious problem for my 3 huskies,” You sighed, pinching the bridge of your nose.

To be honest, your move to DC was nearly as painful as the one from North Carolina to Chicago. You just hoped that this time there wouldn’t be a dismembered toe in whatever apartment they put you up in. And hopefully, you had working AC…

The redhead's frown deepened. “Don’t you have a manager that takes care of that?”

Your nose scrunched. “He’s not helpful,”

Your manager, Travis, had never been… involved. You were one of his 70 clients, and he preferred to do nothing besides collect his paycheck while teams fucked you this way and that. He rarely ever answered your calls, and when he did, he acted like a total slimeball. One more than one occasion he had insisted that he could turn you straight.

Taylor turned away from the stove, meeting Tree’s frown. You could tell there was a question on the tip of her tongue, one you probably didn’t want to answer just as much as you didn’t want to talk about what had happened last night.

Tree shook her head slightly, a movement just barely perceptible, making a low sound in the back of her throat and pulling out her phone. “I’ll take care of it,”

You blanched as Taylor turned back to the stove, flipping a pancake.

You reached for Tree’s arm before she could fully stand from her stool. “No, that's ok. I can figure it out,”

You didn’t need anyone else to get involved. You didn’t need to make a big deal out of this. You were sure it would only make it worse for you when you arrived.

You’d heard that the Washington coach Richie was no better than Paul or Rory, and you knew the only way to deal with it was by not making waves. By gritting your teeth and keeping your head down.

Tree smiled, squeezing your arm and grabbing her phone as she stepped towards the back balcony. “I’ll be right back,”

You sighed when she disappeared through the glass doors, sinking into the stool, looping your hand through the mug handle, and taking a long drag of your coffee.

It was perfect. Sweet and light exactly how you liked it, and the soft music playing in the background only made it better. You had never heard this song before. It was just a guitar track, with Taylor’s voice and you found yourself entranced by it.

I know that it’s delicate, delicate.

You pressed your fingers into the side of your mug as you took another long sip, your eyes following Taylor as she hummed along to the song while flipping the pancakes onto a plate.

She turned back towards you, sliding the plate across the marble island, and leaning against it. She waited for you to take a bite of your favorite breakfast, smiling when your eyes practically rolled back into your head at the taste.

Her new music wasn’t the only reason Tree had visited. But she knew she had to explain that very… carefully. She didn't want to set you off, especially when you still seemed so frazzled from the night before. When you thought she would kick you out for tensing.

She had her suspicions about why your reaction had been so strong, suspicions she had briefly discussed with Tree, but she knew she had to tread carefully. She had the feeling that if you felt too vulnerable, you would shut down entirely.

But considering the pictures the news media had tried to splash across the headlines, she wasn’t surprised that you had tried to use sex as a distraction (or something else she couldn’t quite put her finger on). It seemed like it was your go-to method, and explained why you had been so content to leave a trail of bodies in the wake of your reputation.

She also wasn’t surprised that it had ended… the way it did. You had already been emotionally vulnerable. Too vulnerable to have the kind of sex that was deeper than just movements and orgasms.

She sighed. She would have to tell you why Tree was there, preferably before Tree herself told you.

“Paparazzi got pictures of you and Alex last night,” She said, trying to stay casual. Trying to make it seem like no big deal.

You paused, fork full of pancake freezing midair in its trajectory to your mouth for a brief second before you dropped it with a clatter back onto the plate.

“Fuck me,” You groaned, dragging your palms over your face and through your hair. “Fuck me hard,”

It was another problem. Another thing for you to deal with. When honestly, you just wanted to pretend like last night had never happened.

All you needed was for the fans to get ahold of a photo of you crying.

She suppressed a chuckle. “It’s ok, Tree already took care of it,”

You paused, your fingers scrunching in your hair before you dragged them back down your face and picked up your fork.

Your eyes stayed closed for a long second before they opened slowly and you resumed eating like nothing had ever happened.

It was like watching an actor pull on a mask, how you folded all of your emotions up neatly and pushed them inside. It was… incredible and sent alarm bells blazing in Taylor’s mind.

“Oh. Um. Thanks,”

You could feel her eyes appraising you.

“It’s no problem,” She said with a little shrug, bringing her own mug to her lips.

You went back to your pancakes, the only sound between you the scraping of your fork on her plate and the song playing again in the background. Your mind wandered through the chorus, enjoying the way the beat drop tickled the little spot in the back of your head. Your eyes swept across the kitchen landing on the giant stack of papers in front of Tree’s empty stool.

“What are the papers?” You asked after a moment, pointing to it with your fork when the music died down and the song restarted.

Taylor reached for it, placing it between you and spinning it so you could read it. You didn’t. The print was small and close together, and you didn’t want to give yourself a headache.

“You said that no one has ever discussed limits and boundaries with you, so I thought it might be nice to do that,” Taylor explained carefully.

You raised an eyebrow at her. “So you printed a packet?”

“Well, no,” She shook her head. “I know you said that you had never done anything beyond vanilla, but I have, and I think it’s important to thoroughly know my partners limits,”

You let a teasing smirk play across your lips, sinking into the teasing to cover how… off kilter you felt.

You had never discussed limits. With anyone. And it scared you what she could discover. What if something you said turned her off? What if she didn’t want you after you filled out her packet?

“I didn’t know you were kinky Miss Swift,” You said, wiggling your eyebrows. “Or is there some other title you prefer?”

A bright red blush spread across her cheeks, traveling down her neck, and she looked away from you.

Before you could follow up, to make the gorgeous red color travel further, the sound of the glass door opening echoed through the kitchen, and Tree stepped back inside.

“Ok. I’ve got your housing settled, and I ordered a moving crew to help you,” Tree said as she sat back down beside you, seemingly oblivious to the tension between you and Taylor.

Or maybe she was just better at ignoring Taylor’s reactions.,

You blinked owlishly at her. “I’m sorry, what?”

“All you have to do is text this number with the date you want to move and they’ll help you get all of your belongings down to DC,” She said, handing you a sticky note with a number on it.

You had no idea where she had gotten it, but you were thankful for it.

“Oh, uh, thanks,”

She nodded. “If you have any more issues, call me and I’ll take care of it until we can get you a good manager,”

You swallowed your surprise. You weren’t even sure how to go about finding a new manager, and you doubted you could afford one. You weren’t entirely sure how the whole thing worked actually. But Tree seemed to know exactly what to do.

You turned back to your plate, taking another bite of your pancakes. They were like heaven, second only to the Pancakes Kelley made. But something nagged at the back of your mind. Taylor didn’t have a plate in front of her, and there wasn’t one in the sink. You supposed she could have placed it in the dishwasher.

“Aren’t you going to eat?” You asked, your fork pausing midair.

She shook her head. “I’m not hungry,”

A frown pulled at your lips. Now that you thought about it, Taylor was not hungry a lot. She rarely ate snacks when you did, and you were pretty sure she had never finished a meal with you.

“Then I'm not hungry,” You responded, already pushing the half-finished plate away from you, despite the way your mouth watered for more. “Unless you want to share these?”

She sighed heavily, but took your fork nonetheless, stabbing a tiny piece of pancake not drowned in syrup and bringing it to her lips.

“Happy?” She asked you, and your smirk turned real.

“I’m always happy when I’m with you,”

*****

“I don’t understand what that means,” You muttered, reading number 372 of Taylor’s limit questionnaire.

Touching while under sense deprivation

Most of the list had been easy. Things you knew you liked (like kissing), and things you knew you would never want (impact play with a cane). The rating system had also been easy to understand: things you liked and had done, things you wanted to try, things you would only try with lengthy discussion, and things you never wanted to try.

Taylor highlighted her preference in green Sharpie and you did yours in orange as the two of you worked through her packet cuddled on her couch. She had been insistent that the two of you fill out the packet after lunch, and Tree left to give the two of you some privacy.

“It means the use of a blindfold or headphones that cut off one of your senses,” She explained, already highlighting a would like to try in her green highlighter. “It can be fun. When one sense is taken away, others tend to heighten,”

You swallowed hard, biting your lip as the red in your cheeks got impossibly darker.

“I,” you swallowed hard and looked away from her. “I don’t want to do anything where I can’t see you,”

You had enough problems remaining in the moment with her. The idea that you wouldn’t be able to see her terrified you.

It scared you to think about where your brain might take you.

“Ok,” She agreed easily, placing a perfect orange swipe over never try, already moving on to the next one.

It made your head spin how… comfortable with this she was.

It was like she had done this before. She said she liked to know her partner's limits, so maybe she had. You had never asked about past relationships before.

“This isn’t your first time going through this list, is it?” you asked, but the question was more of a statement than an actual question.

She paused, halfway through reading hands restrained while partner touches- giving and looked at you.

“No, it’s not,” She admitted gently. “I… I would rather be over prepared than cross a line that I didn’t know was there,”

Your head tilted, and you raised an eyebrow at her. “And you were doing kinky shit like touching your partner while their hands were restrained?”

“Sometimes,” She shrugged, her eyes narrowing. “But I feel like that wasn’t the question you actually wanted to ask me,”

It was slightly scary how well she could read you sometimes.

You bit your lip. Your questions weren’t polite, but then again you were discussing allowing her to restrain you while you had sex. It was more… intimate than anything you had done with any of your partners, but Taylor seemed… comfortable.

She had done this before, and you wondered… how many others had been in your position.

“You’ve had relationships before?” You asked slowly, picking your cuticle and looking away from her.

“Yes?” She asked back, using a finger under your chin to gently get you to meet her eyes again, as she raised her eyebrow.

“I was wondering if you would tell me a little bit more about them,”

“I’ve had a few, some vanilla, some not so vanilla. A few with men, but the serious ones have only been with women,” She said, her voice soft, like she knew you were insecure about asking. “Is there anything specific you would like to know?”

Your fingers picked more instantly at your thumb. “Were you-… did they-…”

Her thumb ran over your elbow. “Relax and take a deep breath,”

You did, except it didn’t help you. You felt like a fish gaping out of water. You forced your mouth to close, dragging in a deep breath through your nose.

“You said you weren’t a pillow princess,” You mumbled, and a rye smile crossed her lips.

“You want to know if I was tying people up or if they were tying me up?”

You gulped but nodded. That had indeed been your question.

“Well. The dynamic I had with my partners changed with each partner,” She explained thoughtfully. “I found early on that I preferred to give rather than receive, but sometimes it’s nice to just let go and let someone else take care of you,”

You made a low sound as you took in the information. Really, it should have been obvious with the way she already took care of you. She waited for you to ask a follow-up, as the silence stretched between you. When it became clear that you weren’t going to ask, she asked a question of her own.

“Can I ask you a question?” Her head tilted, and she waited for you to nod. “The situationship?”

Your nose involuntarily scrunched. “What about it?”

“I was wondering if you would tell me a little bit more about it,” she mimicked your phrasing gently.

You pulled your chin from her hand and looked away from her again. It was… hard for you to talk about what happened with Mal. It still stung in a way you didn’t expect, even though you didn’t… want her anymore. Not like you had.

“It was a teammate. We were under a lot of pressure, and it just kinda… happened,” You mumbled. “I got hooked and she didn’t, so she chose someone else,”

Taylor made a low noise of understanding in the back of her throat. “But not before stringing you along,”

Your lips pressed into a thin line and you shook your head. “No,”

You didn’t want to give her more details, to let yourself remember the agony of how it all devolved. How it felt like she was running you over broken glass every time you interacted. Giving you hope just to swipe it away at the last second.

“For how long?” Taylor asked softly, drawing your eyes back to her.

“Almost 4 years,” You sighed, running your hand through your hair and massaging the back of your neck. “The last time we hooked up was like 3 months after you and I became friends,”

Her eyes tightened as she did the math in her head. That would make you 13 or 14 when it started. A shiver went down her spine. “So young,”

You shrugged, your fingers digging more deeply into the skin on your neck. “Weird things happen at youth camp,”

“Apparently,” She muttered.

Your reaction to her trying to touch you was starting to make sense. If you had started young, and had a… bad experience…

You cleared your throat. “How long was your last relationship?”

She blinked at you, pulling out of her thoughts. “5 years and some change,”

“Do you talk to any of your exes?” You asked. “Like the serious ones?”

“No, those bridges went down in flames, but I keep up with a few of the less serious ones,” She shook her head. “I’m assuming you still talk to your ex situationship?”

“She’s one of my best friends,” Your shoulders lifted and fell, and your lips formed a very thin line at calling Mal a friend. You disliked how she UNC all over you, and things were… weird when you interacted, but you couldn’t exactly do anything about it. She was an integral part of your friend group and of the team. “Does it bother you?”

“No,” She said thoughtfully, reaching over to catch your hand as it again ran through your hair. “Because I trust you,”

“I trust you too,” You said back, and you meant it with everything in you. You trusted Taylor more than you trusted nearly anyone.

She smiled gently at you. “Do you want to continue this list?”

You nodded slowly. “Let’s do this,”

You glanced back down at the stack of papers between you. Yes, it was uncomfortable, but you trusted Taylor.

OoOoOoO May 2017 You come around and the armor falls Pierce the room like a cannonball Now all we know is don't let go

“You are too fast for your own good,” Ali Krieger sighed, settling down on the bench beside you as you squirted more water into your mouth.

You shrugged. “You and Dydasco keep leaving a gap for me to split, and Mal is good at finding space,”

The Washington Spirit captain hummed, sipping her own bottle.

The defender had taken you under her wing as soon as you stepped foot in DC. She had shown up at your apartment ready to help you unpack, only to find it immaculately set up. She had taken you to lunch instead and introduced you to the rest of the team.

They were wary at first given your reputation, but they were slowly finding out that you weren’t what everyone claimed you were.

“Dude, that little through ball is sick!” Mal said before Ali could respond, throwing her arm around you and sitting on the bench practically in your lap. “We can totally use that against Sky Blue,”

You shuffled away from her as far as you could without being obvious, taking another long sip of your drink. “Kelley will be looking for it. She’s seen us do it too much,”

Ali had noticed that there was something… odd about the way you interacted with Mal.

The two of you were inseparable, and your chemistry on the field was entirely unmatched. But there was just something she couldn’t quite put her finger on that bothered her about how Mal was with you.

How you tried to squirm away from her without drawing attention to it, and how Mal would only move closer. How there was a depth to your relationship with the forward, a history, that Ali hadn’t been aware of before.

Mal grabbed your water and squirted some into her own mouth while squeezing your shoulder. “Maybe we can discuss a new game plan over drinks?”

Ali raised her eyebrow. “You’re both underage,”

“Hasn’t stopped Y/n before,” Mal shrugged, nudging you with a giggle. “She can take down a case of beer all on her own,”

You scrunched your nose, and brought your free hand to the back of your neck, pressing deeply into the skin.

“Um, no thanks,” You said. “I have plans,”

Mal froze, dropping the water bottle into your lap, and inadvertently getting your pants wet.

“Plans?” Mal’s eyes narrowed at you, and the edge in her voice made you shiver. “Which one of our teammates are you fucking tonight?”

A grimace crossed your features, but you smothered it under a mask of indifference, as you brought your shoulders up to touch your ears. “None of them,”

Mal relaxed, ever so slightly. “Ah, so you finally got the app Lindsey suggested?”

“No. I don’t use straight dating apps,” You huffed, righting the water bottle. “I don’t need the internet to pick up interested parties, but I’m not seeing some rando either. Not that it’s any of your business,”

“Who was in your pants used to be entirely my business,” Mal mumbled, pressing a finger into the spot right below your ear, dragging it down the curve of your chin, and using it to tilt your head to make eye contact with her. “You liked it being my business,”

You stared her down, something passing between you that Ali didn’t understand.

“And you made sure that it wasn’t anymore,” You said, your voice cold as ice as you pushed her hand away, and squirted more water into your mouth.

“Ok,” Ali said, breaking the tension between you and the forward. “So Kelley will be wise to the through ball, what do you suggest?”

She had never seen you be so… direct.

You put more space between you and Mal, your lip caught between your teeth for a long moment before you shrugged. “I’m sure Richie has a plan. He’s the master strategist isn’t he?”

“You’ve had enough film sessions with him, so you tell me,” Ali countered.

A dark look crossed your features, there for a split second before it was gone. Replaced by an easy smirk that Ali was learning wasn’t so easy. It was the face you made every time something made you uncomfortable and you didn’t want to talk about it.

You took another sip from your water before you squirted it at Mal. “I’m sure he’s got a plan for his superstar,”

You pushed yourself off the bench and ran off towards the midfield coach before either of them could stop you, and Mal went tearing off after you.

Ali shook her head. If only she had as much energy as you two. But still, there was something… nagging in the back of her mind. Red flags she couldn’t quite place.

*****

You hummed quietly to yourself as you lit the final candle on your dining room table.

The table was set. The dinner was in the oven set to the exact temperature Kelley recommended (after she walked you through how to turn it on), removed from its take-out containers and placed in glass dishes, and the trash had been removed taking with it any evidence that your meal hadn’t been created in your kitchen well before Taylor arrived at your apartment (and you had sworn Tony and Zach to secrecy).

You had cleared off the counter in your kitchen, save for a thick off-white envelope, and a bottle of the red wine you knew Taylor preferred. It would be the perfect date night.

Taylor had flown in from Nashville to spend the midweek break with you, and you were fucking stoked. The two of you had seen each other in passing, but getting really quality time together during the season was rough. Nothing would stop you this weekend.

“This is gorgeous,” Taylor hummed as she stepped into the kitchen area. “And it smells amazing,”

You smiled widely at her, pulling out a chair. “Thanks. I was just about to pull it out of the oven if you wanna sit?”

“Such a gentlewoman,” She said, as she sat, and you felt a bit of red color your cheeks.

You had been called many things, but a gentleman (woman- whatever) was never one of them. People tended to believe your reputation and take you at face value.

You were pretty sure Taylor was the only person to ever look past it.

You turned away from her, moving towards the oven. “Only for you,”

She hummed, and you felt her eyes as you got the food out of the oven, and turned off the device before you brought it over to her.

“It looks amazing,” She said as you placed the cookware on the table, and more red bloomed across your cheeks.

“Thanks,” You mumbled, joining her at the table. “It’s coconut curry with chicken, broccoli and rice. It’s got a lot of good fats and protein,”

It was a habit you had started in March, listing out the good parts of your meal. You noticed that she never saw food as fuel or something to be enjoyed. It always seemed like a chore she dreaded or a part of her day she just omitted entirely. You worried and you hoped that your little talks might change her view. So far you had been (mildly) successful.

Taylor hummed and spooned herself a good portion. “I like coconut curry. I have it a lot after shows,”

“Good,” You smiled as the red bled up your cheeks towards your ears. “It’s one of my favorites during the season because it meets all of my macros and is filling,”

Taylor hummed again. “What’s the envelope on your counter?”

You rolled your eyes at the thought of the off-white envelope, with your address written in perfect cursive. “A wedding invitation,”

Taylor’s eyebrows pulled tightly together. “I thought they got engaged in March? They’re already setting a date?”

“We have to plan around tournaments, so they picked the only time everyone will be available,” You mumbled, chewing your too-large mouthful. “Spring of 2018”

“Still seems like a fast turnaround,” Taylor said thoughtfully.

You shrugged. “They’ve been together for like 10 years. Alex has probably been planning this for years. She can read minds, and she’s a control freak so she probably knew Kelley was going to propose as soon as Kelley started looking at rings,”

“Ah, I see,”

You fidgeted in your chair, your fork aimlessly scraping your plate. “Do you want to be my date?”

It nigged in the back of your mind that the two of you might not even be together in a year and a half, and that you were probably asking her to be your date way too far in advance.

“Unless you hate me by then,” You added, forcing a playful smirk across your lips.

She rolled her eyes at you, swallowing her bite. “I won’t hate you by then, and I would love to be your date,”

You nodded. “I’ll talk to Alex and Kelley about getting a plus one,”

Taylor hummed and took another bite, chewing slowly. “I also wanted to talk to you about maybe trying something new,”

You raised your eyebrow at her. “What did you have in mind?”

“Well,” She started. “When we filled out the limits sheet you mentioned that you didn’t like all touches, so I thought we could maybe walk through those boundaries, and I’ve never seen you naked, which is kinda criminal,”

“So? You want to what?” You asked, watching her carefully.

“Shower together,” She said, meeting your eyes. “This way it’s something we’ve done, just-“

“I’ll actually take my clothes off this time?” You asked, meeting her eyes.

“And you can show me where you’re comfortable being touched and where you’re not,” Taylor continued gently. “I think it might be a good exercise in intimacy without expectations,”

You nodded, taking a shaky breath. “Ok,”

“Ok,”

*****

Water cascaded down your body in ripples, rolling over the goosebumps that littered your skin. Your fingers tapped against your hips, as you tried to force yourself to relax.

“We don’t have to do this Y/n,” Taylor said from behind the shower curtain.

You thought that this would be… easier if you get into the water first. That it would ease the bubbling anxiety in your chest.

It didn’t. But you weren’t ready to give up yet. You wanted to trust her.

“No,” You said, your voice more shaky than you would have liked it to be. “It’s ok. You can get in,”

You turned towards the water, letting the spray hit your face, as you heard the distinct crinkle of the shower curtain.

You felt her warm presence behind you, though she didn’t reach out to touch you.

You took a deep breath, steeling yourself before you turned back to face her.

“I want to do this,” You mumbled, meeting her eyes, trying not to scan down her body. You appreciated that her blue orbs remained steadfastly locked with yours.

“As long as you’re sure,” Taylor said softly. “You can tell me to stop at any point, and we will. Red, yellow and green still apply,”

Your lip disappeared between your teeth and you nodded.

You understood the stoplight system that the two of you had discussed. Red for stop, yellow for slow down or discuss first and green for good. You swore you would try for her, so you would.

“Remember that I need a verbal?” Taylor asked you.

“Yes. I’m ok. Green,” You said, your voice shaking more than you wanted it to. “Just…”

You looked away from her, finding a spot on the wall above her head. “Just go slow,”

“Of course,” Taylor promised you. “We’ll go at your pace. Even if today we just stand there, that’s ok,”

You nodded again.

You didn’t like how… vulnerable you felt without your top on.

It was too close. Too intimate and that’s part of the reason you had never done this with anyone before.

But Taylor wasn’t just anyone.

You wanted to give Taylor this.

You closed your eyes and let out a long breath. It shook as it left your lungs, disappearing into the steam building between you.

You reached out slowly, catching her hands. “Let me show you where my boundaries are,”

You went to tug her hands forward, but she resisted.

“Can you look at me while we do this?” She asked, her voice gentle. “I want you to be present, here with me,”

It took you a very long second for you to open your eyes, and another for them to drag down her forehead and meet her blue.

She smiled softly at you. “Thank you,”

Your head bobbed briefly, and you squeezed her hands. It shouldn’t be this hard for you to let someone touch you.

The two of you stood there for several minutes before you gained the courage to pull her forward again. She went with you this time, letting you bring her hands to the hard lines of your stomach just below your belly button.

“Here is ok,” You said, trailing her fingers up the center of your abs to your diaphragm before you moved them out to your sides and back down to the original level.

“My whole back is ok too,” You murmured, feeling her nails dragging across your lower back, meeting at your spine.

Your eyes slipped closed at the feeling. At how you could feel the body heat rolling off of her because of how close she was to you.

“Color?” She asked, and you could feel the words on your lips.

Your eyes blinked open, meeting the fire burning in hers. “Green,”

“Good,” She said. “Stay with me, ok?”

“Ok,” You breathed back, as her fingers moved up your spine like she was counting each of them.

You did your best to remind yourself that it was her hands on you as they finally reached your shoulders. They outlined your collarbone, and her thumbs brushed against your neck.

It felt like a warm flame traveling from the point of her touch up to your cheeks, and down in your chest.

“Will you let me wash your hair?” She asked, and her thumb swiped around your cheek.

“Yeah,” You breathed out, making no move to grab your shampoo. You were afraid that if you’d turned, you would forget it was her.

Her head tilted to the side. “Color?”

“Green, right now,” You murmured, more red flooding into your cheeks. “I just… I need to be able to see you when your hands are on me. When we’re… like this,”

“Ok,” Taylor agreed easily like it wasn’t a big ask at all. “I’ll stay where you can see me,”

You nodded, swallowing hard again. “Maybe we just do this today,”

“That’s ok too,” Taylor hummed, her thumb running over your cheek to the sensitive skin behind your ear. “We’re doing this all at your pace,”

You swallowed hard again. “Thank you,”

Her lips tilted upwards. “Anything for you. I want you to enjoy our time together too. We’ll work up to the rest. My main concern is your comfort, and maintaining your boundaries. We’ll take it one step at a time,”

You could do that. You could do this. One step at a time.

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incomprehensiblelentils · 4 years ago

Text

Bering and Wells Reunion Panel Transcription (4/17/2021)

This is from the ClexaCon Virtual panel with Joanne Kelly and Jaime Murray, with Dana Piccoli as moderator and Mark as ASL interpreter. I spent around six hours on this and there were really only a couple of brief bits I couldn’t make out - I tried to make this as thorough as possible even though the audio quality was iffy at points and there was a lot of overlapping talking. I also included all of the ums and uhs in the interest of thoroughness so sorry if that gets annoying. Let me know if I’ve gotten any screen names wrong.

Content notes: brief discussion of on-set injury, allusions to homophobia from higher-ups, discussions of hostile workplace experiences due to gender, brief discussion of the ovarian cancer subplot, Jo misgenders Mark once and then corrects herself.

Dana: And I think we are live! Hey everyone, welcome, welcome, this is day 2 of ClexaCon Virtual. So glad to be here with you for our Warehouse 13 Bering and Wells panel. What a great video! I believe that was Mal that made that. Fantastic work! [They showed a fanvid prior to the panel on the stream.] Uh, I want to take a second to introduce Mark, our ASL interpreter. Thank you so much for being here, Mark. Well, I know that the Bering and Wells fandom is still going strong and, um, I’m so excited to be able to present this panel to you today, so without further ado, let’s get started. It’s been seven years since we last embarked on the wonderfully quirky world of Warehouse 13 and we’re thrilled to have not one, but two of the show’s stars here with us, Bering and Wells in the flesh, please welcome Joanne and Jaime!

Jo: [laughs] Hi!

Jaime: Hi guys!

Dana: Hi!

Jaime: Oh my goodness, I was tearing up watching that, that was just...

Dana: It’s so good, right?

Jaime: And Mal made it, of course, I mean just, the fandom is so amazing, that we have a fan who made that amazing movie, and I’m sitting here... were you tearing up, Jo?

Jo: Yeah... [laughs]

Dana: She’s like, I can’t talk right now!

Jaime: Aww.

Jo: Yeah, it’s, you know, it’s like, it’s like a, a wormhole, it’s like going in a wormhole, really, to see that put together in that way, and just, that somebody did that is, um, crazy, wonderful.

Jaime: Yeah.

Dana: When, when we are in person in, uh, in, in Las Vegas, I’m often backstage with the actors as they see these videos maybe f- for the first time, and your reaction is the reaction that everyone has. They all get teary, they all just like hold onto each other, it’s, it’s really sweet and wonderful.

Jaime: Oh my gosh, I, I wish I could go back in time and like, we film more of it and, and enjoy it more, because sometimes when you’re in it, you’re just going so fast and, you know, you don't even realize the meaning of, of, of what you’ve created until you see it through the eyes of the fans and what it meant to them, and then I, I wish I could lean into it more. [laughs]

Dana: Well, we’re certainly gonna get into that. [laughs]

Jaime: [laughs]

Dana: Alright, well, let’s kick things off! Uh, as of a we- a week ago, I was prepping to interview Jaime, and then suddenly the heavens opened up, and what was one became two. [they laugh] Joanne joined the party! How did this crazy kismet even happen?

Jo: I’m trying this new thing where I say yes. [laughs]

Jaime: [laughs] Well done!

Jo: Thanks. [laughs] Um, it’s a new thing I’m trying. Um, Jaime texted me and she’s like, I'm doing this thing, we had talked about it, I think the last panel we did at Dragon*Con maybe?

Jaime: Yeah.

Dana: 2018.

Jo: And she had told me about ClexaCon and I was like, that, because I really enjoyed that panel that we did, it felt, you know, I think one of the reasons, and I think that the work between us is, and I look at it now and I’m so touched because I, and I also just think the world of Jaime as an actor, I think she’s brilliant and her choices are so clean and-

Jaime: Ditto.

Jo: -full heart forward, like I, I’ve always been a fan of what she bought, and just personally on set I was in a, it was a very male environment, and Jaime came and I was like, oh my god, like, someone to talk to, someone who cared, and she took care of me, like she really - so I just, I don’t know, when she reached out I was like, of course, yes, yes.

Dana: Like it’s in two days, sure! Let’s, let’s go!

Jaime: We missed each other as well. It was also an opportunity to hang out, like, we missed each other!

Jo: Yeah.

Jaime: We had this flurry of texts of like, checking in with each other, and what-

Jo: What have you been watching? what are you doing?

Jaime: Yeah.

Jo: Where are you?

Jaime: Yeah, so.

Dana: Oh, that’s amazing! So you’ve maintained this really wonderful friendship since, since the end of the show.

Jo: Yeah, I mean, actors are nomads and we’re very sort of, I feel, Jaime, I don’t know if you feel the same way, but it’s like those friends that you have that you don’t see forever, but when you see them you fall back into a rhythm automatically, there’s never, it doesn’t feel push or pulled, it’s just, it’s just nice.

Jaime: I, I think also for us, um, I think there’s a sisterhood as well, you know, I think that, you know, Jo just touched on it. You know, often in a cast there’s, um, it’s changing and it’s evolving all the time, and this was seven years ago, and it was seven years before that, it started, so like fourteen years ago-

Jo: Oh my god. [laughs]

Jaime: But there’s, ninety nine point five percent of the people behind the camera are men, the majority of the parts are often men, or it’s, it’s male and women, but the men have the more heroic bits and the funnier lines and you’re kind of struggling with that and you’re glad to be working so you’re kind of making good and making it okay, but you’re kind of like, you know, getting feels, and, you know, as, as Joanne said, it, you know, you’re laughing at dick jokes when you don’t find them particularly funny- [all laugh]

Jo: Like wow! Oh! [sarcastic thumbs up]

Jaime: And so when I came in, I saw Jo - I had been on shows, like I was on a show called Hustle, I was the only girl in the cast, and then everybody, uh, behind the camera was, um, all men. Um, on Warehouse we had one female writer on some episodes, um, we never had a fe- uh, um, a female director on anything or a producer-

Jo: No we had, we had Tawn- [presumably about to mention Tawnia McKiernan] we had two fem- we had a few, but we were-

Jaime: No- no- not on my, not on my episodes.

Jo: Oh, on yours.

Jaime: But it was just like, I came in and I saw Jo and I understood, and I knew what her experience was, and so there was this kind of kinhood, this sisterhood, and I think it, it’s not a male-female thing, but it’s, it’s a minority and majority thing. When you’re in a minority and the majority is doing something, you either have to get down with the program and go with that flow, or you get kind of fe- you feel like you’re difficult or annoying to everybody. And I kind of came in and I just was like, oh like, I get it, it’s hard, and I’m gonna give this woman, like, my, my energy and my love and, so it was-

Dana: So you were like I- you looked at Joanne and you were like, that is someone I can smash the patriarchy with!

Jaime: [laughs] Yes.

Dana: Let’s do it!

Jo: No, I read a lot of books [laughs] when we weren’t filming. I would like get on my chair and just be like this. [mimes holding book in front of face]

Jaime: Yes!

Jo: [laughs] Like I’m doing this now, I’ll see you guys when we’re rolling again, you know, it was really- and, but also, you know, it’s so, and it is changing, it’s changing and evolving in a really, um, at a wonderful rate, but also I would get so excited to be in a scene with another woman that wasn’t about a man, you know, or that we weren’t- uh, it was just so nice to have girl-girl scenes. That never happens, it hardly ever happens. Like, the majority of scenes that you do are about love or acrimony with men, um, and it’s so nice to have a relationship with a woman that’s, um, sort of reflective of how relationships with women actually are. Um, I’ve been, I shifted into writing because of frustration with just not reading stories that I felt were reflective of our, my experience as a woman, you know, that sort of, um, and I think that Bering and Wells sort of in, I mean, that’s when that ship turned for me, as well.

Dana: Well ho- hold that thought, we are, we are going there!

Jaime: And, and also because it wasn’t, it actually wasn’t written. Um, there was, in a way we were able to steer that ship, and then we’d already kind of given a road map for the way this energy was, so it wasn’t written in the conventional way. Like, even like, when a, when a, when a, when a woman will have a love interest it’s, it’s often written by men and it’s o- often in a conventional kind of way, whereas our relationship, at a time before people were even kind of, uh, exploring this that much, um, now, now much more, thank god, it’s more, more inclusive. But it was more kind of, um, uh, complicated than, than maybe would’ve been written about, so it was given more nuance, yeah.

Jo: You mean like, do you mean like actual relationships? [laughs]

Jaime: You what? Say that again?

Jo: Like actual relationships! [laughs]

Jaime: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughs]

Jo: You know, that don’t come in and you have a “where they start and where they finish,” like that we, oh, we know where they’re gonna end up so we’ll just gonna-

Dana: Right, right.

Jo: -move them around like chess pieces. It was actually an energy that Jaime and I created, and the story sort of evolved from that energy as - it was inside out as opposed to outside in, which I think made it a real relationship.

Dana: Well, so my friend Dorthy Snarker, she once said that HG and Myka’s storyline has been main text pretending to be subtext, which feels really apt to me.

Jaime: Yeah!

Dana: So at what point-

Jo: Very smart.

Dana: What point in the show did it really click with the two of you that this connection that HG and Myka shared was something much deeper?

Jo: Jaime just had, Jaime, you just explained this very coolly in, in, um-

Jaime: One of our chats.

Jo: Yeah, yeah. Why don’t you speak to this, why don’t you take this?

Jaime: Well, well, first of all like I said, there was like kind of this sisterhood when I came in and, um, Jo, uh, Jo wasn’t like, like it wasn’t like I came in and she was like hey let’s be friends. I came in and she was behind a book, and she wasn’t particularly accessible, and she wasn’t, like, she was a bit grumpy, you know. And so I was like, my personality type is like, how do I crack this nut? [laughs] How do I make this woman love me? [laughs] This is the most unaccessible woman-

Dana: That explai- Jaime that explains a lot! [laughs]

Jaime: This is the most unaccessible women on the set, the mo- the most unaccessible human to me. How do I make her fall in love with me? So it’s like partly my narcissism-

Jo: [laughs] Jaime Murray in a nutshell, everyone!

Jaime: -and my ego, um, so I was kind of winning her over off set, and then, you know, as she was opening up to me and, you know, she was kind of telling me about some of the challenges she was coming up against, I was like, yeah, that’s, that’s not fair, and yeah, I completely get that, you know. So we were kind of like having that kind of journey, I’m like, like, I’m like, oh no, you’re not crazy, everyone else is crazy! Like, let’s smash the patriarchy!

Jo: [laughs]

Jaime: And then, and then unfortunately, um, Jo hurt herself really badly doing a stunt, and, um, you know, there’s no time to hurt yourself on a film set, and there’s no time to take time and, and kind of heal your back or anything like that. So she was taking some pretty strong painkillers and she was working through it, and I had spinal surgery, I, I know what back pain is like, it’s, it’s the worst. I mean, it’s literally everything, you know, you feel like an old person. And so I was, um, taking care of her as best as I could, and we had the scene, and it was the scene in the street where, I, I think it's the first scene that, where I get the grappler out-

Dana: Oh, the grappler.

Jaime: And I shoot it into the air and I put my arm around her and we shoot up-

Dana: We’re very familiar with this scene. [laughs]

Jo: [doing grappler motion] [laughs]

Jaime: Yeah, so, so it’s like, it had like, physicality, and also it was a really, um, we always laugh that Toronto has about five seasons in one day, so you’ll like start shooting the scene and then suddenly there’s a, like a snowstorm! Bright sunshine!

Jo: Then it’s sunny! Then rain!

Jaime: Torrential rain, wind - and it was one of those, and we had to move to a new location, we were really behind in the day, and she had this one pice of hair that kept on like blowing in her face-

Dana: Oh, I know where this is going, Jaime. [laughs]

Jaime: And she was, the thing was, she was like, also these painkillers-

Jo: I was like, I can’t even see with the hair, I was like, I was hopped up on so many painkillers...

Jaime: Yeah, she was hopped up, she was like, I can’t even get my hair out of the way!

Jo: I think I actually called that day, it was the only time where I was like, guys I can’t work anymore, like, I literally, the doctor was like, you need to rest and I’m like I can’t. And the first AD came over to me and he was like, you’re gonna have to say stop, because nobody is gonna stop the filming, and I didn't wanna do that because you don't want to be the person that, that loses the day.

Jaime: That’s part of it, isn’t it? You’re, you can’t be, you can’t have any vulnerability or be a woman in any way, any shape or form on a film set. [laughs]

Jo: Yeah.

Jaime: So I knew in the morning, and so I’d been like trying to take care of her and had, had like this experience of having spinal surgery, so I was like caretaking as much, as best as I could. I’m a Cancerian as well, so it’s in my nature.

Dana: Sure.

Jaime: And, um, and we‘re in this scene and we’d had to kind of cut so many times, and this hair just kind of-

Jo: [laughs]

Jaime: -came over her face like this, and I just lent forward and on my line I just moved the hair out of her, um, face and put it back, and there was this, this look of genuine-

Jo: [laughs]

Jaime: -surprise and shock in her face because we hadn’t rehearsed it and, and, and you know, we rehearse everything, and then, and then Joanne, what did you say that you-

Jo: I said I had this feeling, you know, when she did that I was like, oooh, um, what’s happening? [laughs]

Dana: [laughs]

Jaime: What are these feelings I’m having?

Jo: I did not expect all these feelings.

Jaime: Someone is being nice to me in this hostile world!

Jo: I was like this is so, it was like, pink light came up and there was glitter all of a sudden, and a unicorn in the back and, um-

Dana: Yep.

Jaime: They were really good drugs, you can’t, they’re illegal now, you can’t get them now cause they’re illegal now, but-

Jo: [laughs] No, no! But that point I’d say that the storyline really developed from inside out, you know outside, it was actually something, she did something that made me respond in a certain way, and as an actor you have those openings and you can choose to go, you either close them, like if, if I don’t like an actor [laughs] and someone does something, I might go like, no, I don’t wanna gonna go with that- [laughs]

Jaime: Yeah.

Jo: -and change the track, but because I love Jaime and, and that happened, I sort of just was like I’m gonna go with this energy and see where it leads. And so it was a very organic, and it took me completely, and I had not expected it, it took me completely- but I liked it, so I started, then that...

Dana: So you are the reason, you two are the captains of the Bering and Wells ship. You made that happen!

Jaime: Yeah.

Jo: Yeah.

Jaime: But also I felt like HG, you know, she came from an era when the suffragette movement was, um, happening, and she was active in that, however, she had to write under her brother’s name, um-

Dana: Yeah.

Jaime: And as a woman, you know, she couldn’t be even open about her brilliance and she had to let her dimwitted brother take credit for it, and then she was frozen. So she was an activist before her time and suddenly she’s waking up in a world where there’s this dynamic woman, gun-toating woman kind of using her wits and brainpower and like, god bless Pete [laughs] but he was a little bit, like, she was the brains and the brilliance, and often he would be kind of like, you know, taking the credit for it or like having the girls flirt with him, and I just felt like if I grow up, if I woke up from, you know, a dream of, of being a suffragette and I woke up and I saw Myka, surely I would be more fascinated-

Jo: [laughs]

Jaime: -by this woman who is everything that I had ever wished to be, so I started playing off this fascina- I was fascinated by her. Pete was just as stupid as my brother. [laughs]

Jo: And I do have to say, I do have to give the showrunner Jack Kenny credit here too, because Jack really let us run with it and started to lean into it, and the writers were all very accepting, so it was, and, and Jack particularly, you know, we had a lot, we had our creative differences, but he was really generous in this storyline with us, like I think, he gave us a lot of rope to play with-

Jaime: Yeah.

Jo: And it was interesting rope, because they never-

Dana: It was attached to a grappling hook is what it was!

Jo: Yeah, and they never, like what i really loved about it is the never like put it on the nose it was always very elliptical, we always had room to breathe, um-

Jaime: Well partly I don’t, I think that it was, it was, it’s funny to talk about it now because it doesn't seem that long a- long ago, but it-

Jo: But it was so long ago...

Jaime: -it was unusual-

Jo: For that.

Jaime: -for the genre and for the audience that we were going for to, to actually go there, um,

Dana: Yeah. Seven years ago, you’re absolutely right. Things have changed tremendously, and especially in the last five years.

Jo: Yeah, yeah.

Jaime: And, but I think that Jack and Drew, they were kind of excited about what we were doing, but actually, you know, we weren't sure what the network would say or what the advertisers might think, and so, um, you know, I’m really proud of the work that we were able to, to say-

Jo: Yeah.

Jaime: You know, being the first in some ways.

Jo: It’s interesting, you know, like Jaime texted me, she sent me this video and I was looking at it and I was just so proud-

Jaime: I sent you Mal’s video, I sent you one of Mal’s other videos.

Jo: She’s wonderful, so like shoutout to her!

Jaime: Yeah

Jo: That’s, yeah, it was gorgeous, and I was really proud of the work, you know, after, it’s, you create these things in a bubble and, I haven’t se- I haven’t seen Warehouse, I never watched it. [laughs] so I’m always very surprised to see these videos, it feels like I’m cracking open-

Jaime: And I want to say as well, you know, when we say we haven’t down and watched all the shows, or you know, in some peoples’ cases, many of the shows, you know, it’s, it’s not because we don’t love the show and we don't love the work that everyone else has done, done, it’s actually a lot of actors don't watch, um, their own work. It’s, if, if you’ve ever heard your own voice on an answer phone or something and you're like, who’s that? Oh my god, that’s me!

Dana: [laughs]

Jaime: Like, so when you see yourself on TV or screen it’s like that on crack, it’s absolutely terrifying, and, and you’re like oh my god, like behind a pillow, like-

Jo: Filled with self loathing and despair. [laughs]

Jaime: Yes.

Dana: That’s okay.

Jaime: Which is a work in progress, I’m trying to deal with that now.

Dana: Well, when, at what point did you realize that queer people were actually starting to flock to the show to support this direction with these characters?

Jaime: We, we didn't know, we didn’t know-

Dana: No?

Jaime: Well, we, um, I, um, Jo’s not on social media so I don’t know when she knew, other than maybe when I told her. I saw replies on twitter-

Jo: Comic Con.

Dana: Somebody didn’t like hire a plane and like, around the area with like, a Bering and Wells forever…?

Jo: I, I remember, I remember going to Comic Con, for me because that’s’ when I had the fan interaction, um, because I wasn’t on Twitter-

Jaime: Yeah, there were fans that told us.

Jo: And, and, uh, a lot of the women, I remember being asked some very specific questions during panels, and, you know, there's a lot of guys who like to talk at those panel so I didn’t get to talk a lot but I made it quite, I, I made it quite clear about how important that storyline was to me and it, it, I realized very quickly that it was important to a lot more women than me. I didn’t really realize, too, that storytelling wasn’t represented in that way, at that point, you know. I didn’t feel that. I didn’t feel like that was a groundbreaking choice, to choose to be attracted to a woman in a scene to me is life, it’s how I live my life, I, I’m you know, I don’t have those, I’m not in a box [laughs] and it so when I realized, it was a eye-opening moment. I’m like, I’m like, wait, wait, this is, this is something new that’s not being done?

Dana: You guys were kind of on, you were like right here [miming going up a hill or mountain] and then shortly after Warehouse, it started going like [woosh noise of going down the other side of the hill] and this wave of representation started happening.

Jaime: Well, ev- even in Warehouse, there was an openly gay character in, in Warehouse.

Dana: Right, yes!

Jo: Yeah, yeah, there was Aaron.

Jaime: But it’s been, it’s been incredibly, um, powerful for, for, for, for me, um, you know, I I, think that a lot of people, some people are like oh my god, you know, I wish I could go back to my childhood or my teenage years, I, you could not pay me anything for, I would not go back to my teenage years for love or money. It was, it was a incredibly painful time for me, um, and not a particularly happy time for me, and, um, you know, just awkwardness, you know, all the stuff that, you know, all the stuff people feel in their teens, all the bad stuff I felt in my teens, so when I’ve spoken to people at conventions, um, and they've’ spoken to me about, um, Warehouse having, and our relationship in Warehouse having a positive effect for them in their teen, in their painful teenage years, it’s, it, it, it can bring me to tears, because i- if I could have imagined having kind of that, some kind of impact when I’d been a teenager maybe I wouldn't have been so miserable, but, um, I’m really humbled by it. it’s really lovely.

Dana: Yeah, you, you most certainly have had a tremendous impact on a lot of peoples’ lives and I’m so glad that you are able to take that and keep it in your heart.

Jaime: Yeah.

Dana: Speaking of this kind of sea change of the last few years, do you think that if Warehouse had been airing now that things might have ended differently? Do you think that maybe that subtext really would have been pulled much more into main text?

Jaime: You’d know better, Jo.

Jo: I...don’t know the answer to that question, um, perhaps, actually, absolutely! It’s twenty twenty-

Jaime: If we were writing it, maybe.

Jo: I mean, that’s what I’m trying to do. [laughs] Um, yeah, I think so. Maybe we would have been able to lean more into that storyline, um-

Jaime: Maybe we would’ve had a, be a stronger voice in shaping the narrative there.

Jo: It, yeah, I mean, Jack was, Jack was great about it, but it, it was a different, it was a different era. I think now is, is really a beautiful time for storytelling in the sense that it is really becoming so much more inclusive and we have representation, which, I mean, seeing ourselves represented in stories is how we understand ourselves in the world, and that’s, it’s so important, you know, it’s so important where we’re going, um, and I wish there could have been more of that in Warehouse, but I’m glad there was what there was.

Dana: Yeah.

Jaime: I, I, I also think that, um, you know, it’s changed so much in just such a short space of time, but particularly in the last couple of years, like, women were always, um, portrayed like, like, women always had to be perfect and kind of cute, and, you know, there had to be kind of something attractive or charming about them at all times, you know, and so we always had to put a bow on a woman to make her acceptable. And one of the things that I’m really loving is, you know, that women can be flawed and they can still, you can still love them and, you know, one of the things that always stun- stunned me is that I’ve been so welcomed into a community of kind, inclusive, um, you know, powerful activist, um, women, uh, um, and I’m like, why do these amazing women even like my characters when I’ve played such, um, a bad character, and it’s like-

Dana: But, but we love that! Queer women love a villain!

Jaime: Well, it’s like, flawed characters, and it’s like, and then recently I watched this show called, um, I hate Suzie Pickles [actual title of show: I Hate Suzie], um, there’s a show called, um, uh, I May Destroy You. They’re British shows, actually, both are.

Dana: Oh, yeah, it’s so good.

Jaime: And they, these are complex, um, women who make bad choices, and they self sabotage and they do things that are kind of frowned upon in society, and yet I love them, these women, and it’s like, if I can love these women for all their flaws, then maybe I'm okay too. And I think that we, we have to allow women to be flawed and lovable instead of just being cute little heroines that kind of support men at all times. I mean, it’s changed so much, that’s kind of, like the old, the old order of what it used to be, like, but yeah, it’s exciting.

Dana: That happe- That was what was written in my yearbook! Just, Dana Piccoli, flawed but lovable.

Jaime: Ah! [laughs]

Dana: So I totally, I totally can appreciate that.

Jaime: Was it that? Was it- that would be the best!

Dana: [laughs] I love that.

Jaime: Flawed and lovable, not but.

Dana: Oh yeah, yes, flawed and lovable, sorry, sorry. That’s, that’s what, that’s where I went wrong in the yearbook.

Jaime: Exactly.

Dana: Uh, J- Jaime. A lot has been made of this, the apples scene.

Jaime: Yes.

Dana: Do you think I smell apples is basically saying “I love you”? Were you, what do you think that Helena was trying to express at that time?

Jaime: I, I, I think that it was, um, a sense of, uh, acceptance, and, um, and, and, and, and, and love, I mean, uh, because Helena had always been such a, kind of a troubled character in so many ways and she had kind of, um, these struggles and this darkness and these mental health issues and I think that “I smell apples” was a, a, a wa- wa- was, she, she’d kind of come to the light, you know, she, she had, had kind of accepted herself, and it was such an altruistic act of love, she was sacrificing herself in order to save the others, that it was true love, like she’d overcome the darkness. So it was, uh, I, I, I, I, love that, uh, moment, yeah, that kind of-

Jo: I know we wanted, uh, one of the most beautiful definitions of love onscreen is recognition of your soul in someone else.

Dana: Mhmm.

Jo: That’s really what happens, and I thought that when Jaime did that, there was a very beautiful, I mean it’s sort of like Romeo and Juliet. You see this moment of, and we talked about it earlier, that energy, that to me is that. what that is-

Jaime: Yes.

Jo: -the scene is, “I smell apples.” It’s these two people who see each other in each other and are profoundly connected, whether, in whatever way that it is, it’s just a profound connection, you know, and so often we find boxes to put these connections in, you know, as humans, we want to make sense, we want to make logic of them, you know, which is, I think, um, why storytelling suffers in the representation, because you want to define what a thing is and kind of, um, the most beautiful things about some of the most special relationships is they, they're beyond what you can say they are, they’re beyond categorization, they are, you know...

Jaime: I, I, I definitely think that, although it wasn’t written in that way, I mean, if you actually go back and look at the footage, I’m saying “I love you” to, uh, uh, HG is saying “I love you” to Myka and Myka is is let-

Jo: I only think that’s what she was saying.

Jaime: -letting, letting it land.

Dana: Confirmation, folks! Confirmation, um, everyone!

Jo: In here. [points to head]

Dana: Write it in your vows, write it now in your vows!

Jo: Dana, you’re funny! [laughs]

Dana: Thank you!

Jaime: But wh- when, when did I come back and I was like, married to, what-

Dana: You, you weren't married, you were with a gentleman, and he had a, a young child and-

Jaime: And he was a bit of a drip as well!

Jo: And the house was very suburban, that’s all I remember was, I like walked into this house and I was like-

Jaime: That was, was that, I don’t really know the chronological, um, ordering, but like, I had like a ponytail, and I had a, possibly-

Jo: You were probably like driving a minivan.

Dana: You were teaching, you were teaching, weren’t you?

Jaime: Cause wasn’t I [indecipherable]

Jo: It’s okay, Jaime, I [indecipherable]

Dana: You were like in Phoenix or something.

Jaime: Yeah so, so what was that, after a bit I, so like “I smell apples” was the ending of my character, right? So like that, was that after a bit-

Dana: Right, and then you got rev- you were brought back-

Jaime: Right.

Dana: And then you kind of disappeared for a bit.

Jaime: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dana: Yes. Yeah, um-

Jaime: Yeah.

Dana: The, um, the, the, uh, the fans [laughs] were, um, confused by that, were like what?

Jaime: I d- I’m confused, I’m confused! [laughs]

Jo: Not just the fans, not just the fans.

Jaime: Well, I actually, um, I, I, I really want to go back and see that scene, um, I, I feel like you came to, I don’t, I was living in like suburbia-

Dana: Mhm.

Jaime: And, and didn’t you come to-

Jo: I don't remember.

Jaime: -the house and I, I think you came to-

Jo: I remember that horrible house though, because it was like, it… [makes disgusted face]

Jaime: It was so weird and I was like hello, I’m kind of like a completely different woman!

Jo: It was like very Stepford, I like, I walked in and, I don’t know why Myka was so accepting, I would’ve taken a baseball bat to the house, gonna be like, we’re leaving!

Jaime: So, so, so, so, I, so I, Jack, so Jack, Jack-

Jo: Get out of here, you drank the Kool Aid!

Jaime: I remember Jack was there and I was like, um, uh, oh, like this, like, like this doesn't work because of this and this doesn’t work because of that, and I was having a little, kind of like a creative difference with him, and, and he left for the day, he left for the day, and I really want to go back and see that s- that, that scene, because I remember I was asking him if I could, yeah, I know it’s, it says this but could I play it like this? And I do- I remember he didn’t want me to for the storyline, but I remember he left. [laughs] So I’d love to go back and see, I, I remember think- feeling like I was quite naughty, that I actually got away with it, but, uh-

Dana: Oh, I am loving all the subversive shit that was happening behind the scenes. [laughs]

Jaime: Yeah. [laughs]

Jo: Do you remember the park bench as well? Remember that scene, it was-

Jaime: Oh, yeah, a bench.

Jo: Wasn’t that a bench?

Jaime: Oh, that was a love scene, that was a love scene.

Jo: That was a, yeah, we really went for that one. [all laugh]

Jo: Everyone was like, what? And I’m like, well, we’re doing it. Might as well!

Jaime: [laughs] And we’re in like, Toronto, and everyone behind the camera, like, they’re very blokey, and it’s not in the script, and then they're like, “oh I didn’t, they’re, they’re, oh I didn’t see that coming!” [laughs]

Jo: They were like, what are you guys doing? We’re like, we’ll figure it out! [laughing]

Jaime: Exactly! We’re just doing our own thing. [laughs]

Dana: Oh, a little, a little mutiny, a little bit! [laughs] Well we, we, we’ve ha- we’ve had such incredible conversation so far, and I have so many fan questions for you, and if we were onstage everyone would get to come up to the mic-

Jaime: Aw.

Dana: -and ask you questions, but I do have a bunch of questions that were sent in, um, so I do want to get to your fans, because your fans are so integral to keeping this like-

Jo: That’s why we’re here.

Dana: -story alive. Uh, let’s see here. Let’s kick it off. Alright, so wellsbering wants to know, what personality traits do you share with your characters?

Jaime: Well I think, I think that, um, I, uh, definitely always get cast as the baddie for whatever reason, but then I think that, um, really the quirky mess that I, I, I morphed into is basically me. [all laugh]

Jo: I like that answer, that’s great. Um, I, uh, am very A-type when it comes to certain things, and Myka very much, I’m very like, flowy, Myka wa- didn’t flow, but there are certain parts of my life where I’m not flowy around. My work is one of them, writing is another one. Um, and I’m very afraid of letting people down. I think that’s why I've been, I was te- telling a lot of the people that I was talking to today that, you know, the reason I didn’t do this a lot when the show was on, I couldn’t understa- i was like, why do people wanna meet me? They're gonna meet me and be disappointed.

Dana: Ohhhh.

Jo: Yeah.

Dana: I think everyone thinks that though, I think that’s very common.

Jo: I think tha- yeah, I think that’s the human condition, right?

Dana: Yes.

Jo: Um, but, but I think Myka and I share that sort of reserve, you know, that thing where you’re like I don’t, no, don’t get too close. I’m like a Monet, stay back. [laughs]

Jaime: And I, I think that was part of the chemistry as well, it’s like, you have that kind of like, you know, protectio- protective-

Jo: Yeah.

Jaime: -kind of like, edge. And so it’s like, if, I think that i- in a way, the gift that we had by it not being written for us is, if had been written we would’ve, the characters would’ve made each other, um, accessible to each other far too quickly. It was like the slow burn of, Myka could be quite prickly, and my character was completely messed up so it was kind of like, this kind of like energy between them where they were kind of like, you know, like working each other out, feeling each other out-

Jo: Is there? Is there an energy there?

Jaime: And then the laughs were well earned, and the smiles, and the deciding to work together was well earned. There was a, a lot of suspicion around each other, and when they opened up or they kind of let their guard down, it was hard earned, and and it was like, you know, something you would wanna rejoice at.

Jo: Yeah, aw, I love that.

Dana: Um, okay, so this is from mayberrycosplay, uh, you may remember mayberrycosplay, I believe one of them dressed as HG at a con, uh-

Jaime: Oh!

Dana: -but they wondered-

Jaime: I’ve seen a few HGs.

Dana: You’ve seen a few HGs.

Jaime: [laughs]

Dana: This is for Jo about, uh, Myka’s experience with ovarian cancer and, uh, like, how the awareness of this silent killer of women, like how that storyline, what that storyline meant to you and how it felt to portray that?

Jo: I was really nervous about that storyline, you know, anything that has affected people and their families and, and it’s always, I, you know, difficult territory to walk as an actor, especially in a show like Warehouse where there's so much happening on such a grand level that I’m like, are they going to pay attention to this? Are they going to really honor a storyline like this? was my concern, you know, like very often things like that are added like, uh, it’s like putting a robot arm on a story, and you're like oh, and by the way, there’s ovarian cancer! And so I was really, you know, concerned about showing up for that and, and, and and serving it in a way that people understood and, and could identify with that, you know, it’s such a catharsis, that’s what I think it’s supposed to be. Um, so it was, uh, I, the fans told me I pulled it off, that’s the only way that I know.

Dana: Well it meant a tremendous amount to, to mayberrycosplay and so that’s why they, they sent that in because it, it really affected them because of their own personal-

Jo: Yeah.

Dana: -you know, family journeys and such.

Jo: Well I’m so, so, thank you, I mean, I’m still wondering, you know, I worked really hard to make sure that was in there. We’ve all lost somebody to cancer, we all know what that’s like, we all know- I mean, I mean, I certainly have, to feel a lump and be like [does the Home Alone face] you know. I have two friends right now who are going through it, so I try to honor it in the best way. I- it’s one of the things that makes me want to be an actor, uh, that I think is so special about it is that you get to tell stories that people, it’s a group catharsis, you know, so I’m glad that, glad they think I, the only thing that, if they think I sh- I showed up then... [laughs] yes, good, good, good.

Dana: Um, let’s see here, cloxy813 wants to know what was your favorite, favorite scene to film together?

Jo: Probably the heaving bosoms scene. I was excited for the heaving bosoms scene, which was all like [mimes placing gun to forehead] kill me!

Jaime: [laughs]

Dana: Hashtag heaving bosoms scene.

Jo: It was so hot that day, I remember my tank top-

Jaime: So hot, oh my god, it was like-

Jo: It was like, my tank top, I would like look down and find, I was like, my boobs are out, um. [laughs] I just saw him sign, them sign, um.

Jaime: We were by that lake, I just wanted to dive in there. It was-

Jo: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I loved, I loved, I loved doing that scene, I have to say. And, and the chess scene, I remember that.

Jaime: Oh yeah.

Jo: I remember that very well. Um, I really enjoyed my work with Jaime because I, as I said, you know, there’s not a lot of scenes that are two women just being women. It was so, it was like a breath of fresh air and so I, I wasn't, I was, uh, you know, a lot of the times Myka was there to witness Pete-

Jaime: Or, or, or to laugh, or to kind of laugh and sigh at his super funny jokes.

Jo: The funny jokes... um, so, so it was so nice to not ha- be in a scene from that point of view. So often women are are written as accessories-

Jaime: Yeah.

Jo: You know, and, and this was a storyline where I felt like she was a whole person and I could be like a whole, real person, I didn't have to be like-

Jaime: I, I, I, I, I was on a show called Hustle and there was a character on it called Danny Blue, and he had all the funny lines, and one of the refrains that I had was “oh Danny. Oh Danny,” where every time he said something cheeky or naughty or a joke I’d go “oh Danny,” and I remember just being so excited to get the job, but then after awhile like me saying “oh Danny” really wore thin, especially as off camera I feel like I was more witty! [laughs] In that space I was much more funny, but all the funny was written for him, and I was going “oh Danny.” So when I came in I really, I kind of, um, you know, I knew the frustration of playing the, kind of, you, you know-

Jo: Straight man.

Dana: The “oh Danny.”

Jo: -if you were playing, right, right, the brainiac, uptight brainiac, and Pete had all the funny lines, so obviously we were in a lot of scenes with the rest of the cast and keeping the story going, but I felt as though all the character stuff that we had as, as women came from the scenes when we were on our own, and obviously that first scene with the grappler, um, you know, was, it was kind of the first scene where I’d been playing kind of like a little, kind of kind of like sneaky little looks and curiosity and fascination with this woman-

Dana: Yeah, we noticed.

Jaime: And, but, but, I, but, it wasn’t until the grappler scene that I thought that, that i was starting to get this, kind of, this chemistry going, and then there was a scene, do you remember the scene where I didn’t know how to work a computer or open it, it was like a, I was like a monkey-

Jo: Yeah [laughs] yeah.

Jaime: I was like a, it was like, I didn’t know what this is, we were-

Dana: Well, I mean in, in f- in fairness you had been in bronze for a long time.

Jaime: -we were in like a stu- a student room, a student's room, it was-

Jo: Yeah, we were at the college, we were at U of T.

Jaime: And, and. and we’d, it was the first time we’d deci- you’d, you’d kind of begrudgingly decided that we could work together, and HG was kind of a little thrilled, and you were a bit begrudging and-

Jo: Yeah.

Jaime: There was all, we, we still had to, ‘cause like, in sci-fi there’s a lot of storyline and exposition and kind of fantastical stuff, which is super fun, but actually as actors you really get excited about the character stuff and there was always just this great character stuff whenever we were on our own with a scene-

Jo: Yeah.

Jaime: -um, because we didn’t have to worry so much about servicing all the other characters, we just serviced each other.

Dana: Well, you know, there are only two kinds of queer women. It is thrilling or begrudging, it’s one or the other. [all laugh]

Dana: They fit perfectly in there.

Jaime: I mean maybe that’s why it resonated so well, and maybe it was the reason it was so great, that it wasn’t written, because you had these two kind of like, kind of sli- slightly spiky kind of like flawed women, kind of like o- one, you know, one not particularly into the other at all, you know, so-

Jo: It was interesting, I still remember, I still remember receiving that energy and receiving that stuff and realizing, sort of plotting, cause I’m like, how long would it take Myka to figure this out?

Jaime: [laughs]

Jo: Seriously, I was like, cause, Joanne is not her,, I’m, you know, I’m wasn’t in the box that she, I always thought, Jack’s like, you’re exactly like that character, I’m nothing, I’m not- [laughs] I mean there’s a part of me that’s uptight but there's a part of me that’s most definitely not, so I was like how, and I really wanted to do the discovery of it within her, the like, this, the, this feeling started, and then her sort of, and M-Myka to me as a character as a whole was always somebody who was afraid, this is somebody who was always very scared of everything and presented themselves in this very [mimes acting stuffy and uptight] way because there was so much going on here [gestures to heart] and it was slow in the five seasons, I really wanted her to like, you know, relax and start laughing and not be so, and I was like, there’s a certain amount of wonder that was like-

Jaime: Endless wonder.

Jo: -ohhhh, ohhhhh, ohhhh, like you kind of see her, one of the things about that journey is you start to see her discover sort of herself and her own feeling surrounding that, which I thought was really special.

Jaime: And also you, um, you, you kind of ended up, you, you know, HG was kind of like a tricky character and she was always one step ahead, um for, that first season, but then when she started to fall apart, you were the one that kind of put her together, and then I felt like there was also this humor introduced, this lightness introduced to your character through the humor el- elements-

Jo: Yeah.

Jaime: -and the surprise, which was, um, really lovely for your character.

Jo: Yeah, I, I think for m- for me, you know, it was a decision I made like in season two that I k- she had to evolve and grow and sort of, um, I couldn’t, I was, I was, I was like, I can’t keep coming to work and putting a giant stick up my ass [laughs] like we’re doing, like I need just to like expand her and go towards her relaxing and really finding, I think for her the big thing was always finding connection, you know, this-

Dana: Sure.

Jo: -we, we see in the beginning of the show is, it’s very cut off, very isolated, very like, and I, she lost her partner, that was, when I read that script, immediately I was like, this is someone who’s so scared of losing people again that she’s never gonna let anyone else in, and that was sort of like my understanding of her. And when Jaime came on, it was such a great way to explore that, Myka opening, you know, as feelings developed, her opening, you know-

Dana: Well, that, the growth, the character journey that both of your, your characters went on, I think that is what makes the show still so enduring to fans, like why they feel so connected to it, because we do, we saw that journey, you know, both of you had your own journeys to go on and you somehow managed to cross, cross paths, and it may not have ended the way fans had wanted it to, but we still go so much out of it.

Jo: I’m so glad.

Dana: I wish it was endgame, but what can I do?

Jaime: We, we, we need a spinoff show for Jo and I, we, we need a spinoff show.

Dana: Okay, yes, the spinoff, okay! You need to talk about that because-

Jaime: Who do we need to talk to to make that happen?

Dana: I got in a lot of trouble on Twitter yesterday for not asking a spinoff question, uh, what, like, what would a spinoff look like between between HG and Myka?

Jo: I think it would be have, to be now, which we-

Dana: Yeah.

Jo: And we’d have to get her, there’s no ponytails in this story, there’s no suburbs, there’s no fucking ponytails, um, no-

Jaime: I won- I won- I wonder if, um, it could be now, but, or, I wonder if I, I had to come in for a mission and then I actually pulled you back into my time, that might be an interesting way to turn it on its head.

Dana: Ooh, Jaime Murray, there we go!

Jaime: If we both had to go back-

Dana: I love me some period.

Jaime: -into my time or you know what made me think that [she does the Jaime Murray hair flip™] what I-

Jo: [laughs]

Jaime: I saw that, I saw that ne- The Nevers-

Jo: I miss that hair flip!

Jaime: -the, the, the a- the adverts for The Nevers on HBO, and I’m like that is the HG Wells spinoff right there, and I was like super fucked that I wasn’t in that, and then I read that Joss Whedon was a consultant and I was like [inaudible] really bad, so, but, anyway I think that that’s what we should do. I, I’m also obsessed with that time period.

Jo: I mean, yeah, and also like it was real, yeah-

Jaime: It was the beginning of ps-

Jo: Yeah.

Jaime: -psychology, of like Tesla, of of like different thoughts, there was like, they were like spiritual, um, kind of scientists and atheism and there was all it this opportunity for change, which actually wasn’t taken, but it was actually, it’s super interesting right at the time, there was suffragettes-

Jo: Also a fish out of water for me would be so wacky, because I’m a fish out of water too, alright.

Dana: I’m curious if yo all saw the Saturday Night Live sketch the other, uh, last week with, uh, lesbian period drama-

Jaime: Oh!

Dana: -and how, how every lesbian, like anything that features lesbians now has to be- [laughs]

Jaime: Well have you e- have you ever-

Dana: -it’s like the Edwardian or, like the Edwardian times.

Jaime: Have you guys read Sarah Waters, do you know this?

Dana: Oh, of course!

Jaime: Like, so, and maybe that is actually what helped me get to HG Wells, but I loved those books when-

Dana: Oh, they’re so amazing.

Jaime: -I was growing up and I feel like we should make those o- we should remake one of those b- Jo, you’ve got to read those books, and then-

Jo: I’m writing it down! I’m taking notes!

Jaime: Oh, it’s amazing.

Dana: You two would be amazing in her most recent one.

Jaime: She writes these amazing Edwardian, Edwardian kind of wanton lust and then there’s like, like the vervain or whatever, that kind of drug that they used to take back then-

Jo: Opium?

Jaime: -so it’s like slightly, kind of like psychedelic, oh, it’s amazing, yeah, she’s amazing.

Dana: [laughs] Well, we unfortunately are out of time, and it’s been so much fun to talk to the two of you, and I, I love the love that you have for your characters, for your friendship, for the fans, uh, it’s, it’s so lovely to see, and thank you so much for making this work in your schedules, I know you’re both super busy doing your own projects, um, and I want to think Mark. Mark, you’re amazing, thank you so much for, for interpreting.

Jaime: Thank you, Mark!

Jo: Thank you, Mark!

Dana: Um, do you have anything you want to end with, to say to the, to the Bering lesbians out there?

Jaime: Well, first of all, I want to say that, um, if anyone sends me messages to, you know, pictures or anything that that Jo needs to see, I’ll make sure that Jo, Jo gets it, ‘cause she’s not on social media, and I’ll, I’ll share stuff with her so that she can kind of know the love from the community.

Dana: Yeah, great.

Jo: I think, um, I’m actually gonna try to put together a newsletter because I’m trying to get my shows made and I could use this community, you know, to help-

Dana: Oh, we will support you to the end! We will march off that cliff with you.

Jaime: I could help you make a Twitter account, just for our community.

Jo: I don’t wanna do Twitter, I wanna do a newsletter. [laughs] I don’t wanna, I don’t know how many characters are in it, but it’s not enough. [laughs]

Jaime: But Jo, Jo, you have to actually read some of the fanfiction. The fanfiction is epic.

Jo: I have a book that I got, somebody wrote a book-

Jaime: Unbelievable, oh my god.

Jo: -like a novel.

Jaime: They’re brilliant, these people are brilliant, like best fans ever.

Dana: There is some really incredible work out there.

Jaime: Well, do you want to-

Jo: I just wanted to say thank you to everyone, um, you know, I don’t do these very often, and just like, the outpouring of love, like just the connection, I really appreciate it, I’m so grateful, so thank you.

Jaime: Yeah, it’s such a beautiful community. I feel really proud to have been welcomed into it and, uh, very grateful.

Dana: Well, we’ll hope to see you another time, and thank you all who turned in to this panel. [Jaime blows kisses]

Jo: Thank you.

Jaime: Bye, guys.

Dana: Do you smell apples?

Jaime: Bye, Jo, I love you so much.

Jo: Do you smell apples? I love you too. [blows kiss] I’ll talk to you soon.

Jaime: Yes, I’ll see you later. Bye bye, darlings.

Jo: Bye.

#bering and wells #myka x hg #hg x myka #joanne kelly #jaime murray #warehouse 13 #clexacon #clexacon 2021 #myka bering #hg wells #helena wells #nerdsbians

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hamliet · 4 years ago

Text

The Crows Summon the Sun

Or, Hamliet’s review of Shadow & Bone, which gets a 4.5/5 for enjoyment and a 3.5/5 in terms of writing.

The true heroes of this story and the saviors of the show are the Crows. However, the problem is that the show then has an uneven feel, because the strength of the Crows plotline highlights the weaknesses of the trilogy storyline. But imo, overall, the strengths overshadow (#punintended) the weaknesses.

I’ll divide the review into the narrative and the technical (show stuff, social commentary), starting with narrative.

Narrative: The Good

It’s What The Crows Deserve

I went into the show watching it for the Crows; however, knowing that their storyline was intended to be a prequel, I wasn’t terribly optimistic. And while it is a prequel, the characters have complete and full arcs that perfectly set them up for the further development they will have in the books (which I think should be the next season?). Instead of retreading the arcs they’d have in the books, which is how prequels usually go, they had perfect set up for these arcs. It’s really excellent.

Jesper, Inej, and Kaz are all allowed to be flawed, to have serious conflicts with one another, and yet to love each other. They feel like a found family in the best of ways. Kaz is the perfect selfish rogue; he’s a much more successfully executed Byronic hero than the Darkling, actually. Inej is heroic and her faith is not mocked, yet she too is flawed and her choices are not always entirely justified, but instead left to the audience to ponder (like killing the girl), which is a more mature writing choice that I appreciated.

Jesper is charming, has a heart of gold despite being a murderer and on the surface fairly greedy, and MILO THE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT GOAT WAS THE BEST THING EVER. I also liked Jesper’s fling with Dima but I felt it could be better used rather than merely establishing his sexuality, like if Jesper and Dima had seen each other one more time or something had come of their tryst for the plot/themes/development of Jesper.

Nina and Matthias’s backstory being in the first season, instead of in flashbacks, really works because it automatically erases any discomfort of the implications of Nina having falsely accused Matthias that the books start with. We know Nina, we know Matthias, we know their motivations, backgrounds, and why they feel the way we do. It’ll be easy for the audience to root for them without a lot of unnecessary hate springing from misunderstanding Nina (since she’s my favorite). Matthias’s arc was also really strongly executed and satisfyingly tragic. Their plotline was a bit unfortunately disconnected from the rest of the story, but Danielle Gallagan and Callahan Skogman have absolutely sizzling chemistry so I found myself looking forward to their scenes instead of feeling distracted. Also? It’s nice seeing a woman with Nina’s body type as a romantic and powerful character.

Hamliet Likes Malina Now

Insofar as the trilogy storyline goes, the best change the show made was Mal. He still is the same character from the books, but much more likable. The pining was... a lot (too much in episode 4, I felt) but Malina is a ship I actually enjoyed in the show while I NOTP’d it in the books. Mal has complexity and layers to his motivations (somewhat) and a likable if awkward charm. Archie Renaux was fantastic.

Ben Barnes is the perfect Aleksandr Kirigan, and 15 year old me, who had the biggest of big crushes on Ben Barnes (first celebrity crush over a decade ago lol), was pretty damn happy lol. He’s magnificantly acted--sympathetic and terrifying, sincerely caring and yet villainous in moments. Story-wise, I think it was smart to reveal his name earlier on than in the books, because it helps with the humanization especially in a visual medium like film. Luda was a fitting (if heartbreaking) backstory, but it is also hard for me to stomach knowing what the endgame of his character is. Like... I get the X-men fallacy thing, but I hope the show gives more kindness to his character than the books did, yet I’m afraid to hold my breath. Just saying that if you employ save the cat, if you directly say you added this part (Luda) to make the character more likable (as the director did) please do not punish the audience for feeling what you intended.

I also liked the change that made Alina half-Shu. It adds well to her arc and fits with her character, actually giving her motivations (she kinda just wants to be ordinary in a lot of ways) a much more interesting foundation than in the books. Also it’s nice not to have another knock-off Daenerys (looking to you Celaena and book!Alina). Jessie Mei Li does a good job playing Alina’s insecurities and emotions, but...

Narrative: The Ehhhhhhh

Alina the Lamp

Sigh. Here we go. Alina has little consistent characterization. She’s almost always passive when we see her, yet she apparently punches an officer for calling her a name and this seems to be normal for her, but it doesn’t fit at all with what we know about her thus far. Contradictions are a part of humanity, but it’s never given any focus, so it comes across as inconsistent instead of a flaw or repression.

I have no idea what Alina wants, beside that she wants to be with Mal, which is fine except I have no idea what the basis of their bond is. Even with like, other childhood friends to lovers like Ren/Nora in RWBY or Eren/Mikasa in SnK, there’s an inciting moment, a reason, that we learn very early on in their story to show us what draws them together. Alina and Mal just don’t have that. There’s the meadow/running away thing, but they were already so close, and why? Why, exactly? What brought them together? The term “bullies” is thrown around but it isn’t ever explored and it needed to be this season. If I have to deal with intense pining for so many episodes at least give me a foundation for their devotion. You need to put this in the beginning, in the first season. You just do.

A “lamp” character is a common metaphor to describe a bad character: essentially, you could replace the character with a lamp and nothing changes. Considering Alina’s gift is light, it’s a funnily apt metaphor, but it really does apply. Her choices just don’t... matter. She could be a special lamp everyone is fighting over and almost nothing would change. The ironic thing is that everyone treating her like a fancy lamp is exactly the conflict, but it’s never delved into. We’re never shown that Alina is more than a lamp. She never has to struggle because her choices are made for her and information is gifted to her when she needs it. Not making choices protects Alina from consequences and the story gives her little incentive to change that; in fact, things tend to turn out better when she doesn’t make choices (magic stags will arrive).

Like... let’s look at a few occasions when Alina almost or does make choices. For example, she chooses to (it seems) sleep with Kirigan, but then there’s a convenient knock at the door and Bhagra arrives with key information that changes Alina’s mind instantly despite the fact that Bhagra’s been pretty terrible to her. If you want to write a woman realizing she’s been duped by a cruel man, show her discovering it instead of having the man’s abusive mother tell her when she had absolutely no such suspicions beforehand. There’s no emotional weight there because Alina doesn’t struggle.

When she is actually allowed to carry out a bad choice, the consequences are handwaved away instead of built into a challenge for her. Like... Alina got her friends killed. More than once. I’m not saying she’s entirely to blame for these but could we show her reacting to it? Feeling any sort of grief? She never mentions Raisa or Alexei after they’re gone, just Mal, and I’m... okay. They were there because of you. Aren’t you feeling anything? Aren’t you sad? The only time Alina brings up her friends’ deaths is to tell Kirigan he killed her friends when they were only there because she burned the maps. She yells at Kirigan for “never” giving her a choice, but she almost never makes any, so why would he? Alina has the gall to lecture Genya about choices, but she herself almost never has to make any.

Which brings me to another complaint in general: Alina’s lack of care for everyone around her when they’re not Mal, even if they care for her. Marie dies because of her (absolutely not her fault of course) but as far as we know she never even learns about Marie. She certainly doesn’t ever ask about her or Nadia. Alina seems apathetic at best to people, certainly not compassionate or kind.

The frustrating thing is that there is potential here. Like, it actually makes a lot of psychological sense for an orphan who has grown up losing to be reluctant to care for people outside of her orbit and that she would struggle to believe she can have any say in her destiny (ie make choices). It’s also interesting that a girl who feels like an outsider views others outside her. But the show never offers examines Alina’s psychology with any depth; it simply tells us she’s compassionate when she is demonstrably not, it tells us she makes decisions when it takes magical intervention to do so. It’s a missed opportunity. This does not change between episodes 1 and 8, despite the episodes’ parallel structures and scenes, which unintentionally reinforces that Alina had little real development.

Inej and ironically Jesper and Kaz embody the concept of “mercy” far better and with far more complexity than Alina does. The Crows have reactions to the loss of people who even betray them (Arken, etc), learn, and course-correct (or don’t) when they are even loosely involved in having strangers die. They’re good characters because they change and learn and have their choices matter. When they kill we see them wrestle with it and what this means even if they are accustomed to doing so. Jesper can’t kill in front of a child. Kaz wonders what his killings do to Inej’s idea of him.

Narrative: The Mixed Bag

Tropes, Themes, Telling vs. Showing

So the show’s themes in the Alina storyline are a mess, as they are in the trilogy too. Tropes are a very valuable way to show your audience what you’re trying to say. They’re utilized worldwide because they resonate with people and we know what to expect from them. The Crows' storyline shows us what it wants us to learn.

Preaching tells, and unfortunately, the trilogy relies on telling/preaching against fornicationBad Boys. It’s your right to write any trope or trample any trope you want--your story--but you should at least understand what/why you are doing so. The author clearly knows enough about Jungian shadows and dark/light yin/yang symbolism to use it in the story, but then just handwaves it away as “I don’t like this” but never does so in a narratively effective way: addressing the appeal in the first place. If you really wanna deconstruct a trope, you gotta empathize with the core of the reason these tropes appeal to people (it allays deep fears that we are ourselves unlovable, through loving another person despite how beastly they can be), and address this instead of ignoring it. Show us a better way through the Fold of your story. Don’t just go around it and ignore the issue.

The trilogy offers highly simplistic themes at best--bad boy bad and good boy good, which is fine-ish for kid lit but less fine for adult complexity, which the show (more so than the books) seems to try to push despite not actually having much of it.

Alina and Mal are intended to be good, we’re told they are, but I’m not sure why beyond just that we’re told so. Alina claims the stag chose her, but in the show it’s never explained why at all. Unlike with Kaz, Inej, Jesper, and hell even Matthias and Nina, we don’t see Alina or Mal’s complex choices and internal wrestling.

Like, Inej’s half-episode where she almost killed the guy they needed was far more character exploration than Alina has the entire show, to say nothing of Inej’s later killing which not only makes her leaps and bounds more interesting, but ironically cements her as a far more compelling and yes, likable, heroine than Alina. We see Inej’s emotional and moral conflict. We can relate to her. We see Kaz struggling with his selfishness and regrets, with his understanding of himself through his interactions with and observations of Inej, Alina, the Darkling, Arken, and Jesper.

We don’t explore what makes Mal or Alina good and what makes them bad. We don’t know what Alina discovers about herself, what her power means for her. We are told they are good, we are told she knows her power is hers, but never shown what this means or what this costs them/her. Their opportunities to be good are handed to them (the stag, Bhagra) instead of given to them as a challenge in which they risk things, in which doing good or making a merciful choice costs them. Alina gets to preach about choices without ever making any; Inej risks going back to the Menagerie to trust Kaz. Her choices risk. They cost. They matter and direct her storyline and her arc, and those of the people around her.

Production Stuff:

The Good:

The production overall is quite excellent. The costumes, pacing, acting, and cinematography (for example, one of the earliest scenes between the Darkling and Alina has Alina with her back to the light, face covered in his shadow, while the Darkling’s face is light up by her light even if he stands in the shadows) are top-notch. The soundtrack as well is incredible and emphasizes the scenes playing. The actors have great chemistry together, friend chemistry and romantic when necessary (Mal and Alina, the Darkling and Alina, Kaz and Inej, Nina and Matthias, David and Genya, etc.) All are perfectly cast.

The Uncomfortable Technicalities Hamliet Wants to Bitch About:

The only characters from fantasy!Europe having any trace of an accent reminiscent of said fantasy country's real-world equivalent are antagonists like Druskelle (Scandinavia) and Pekka (Ireland). When the heroes mostly have British accents despite being from fantasy Russia and Holland, it is certainly A Choice to have the Irish accent emphasized. The actor is British by the way, so I presume he purposely put on an Irish accent. I'm sure no one even considered the potential implications of this but it is A Look nonetheless.

The Anachronisms Hamliet Has a Pet Peeve About:

The worldbuilding is compelling, but the only blight on the worldbuilding within the story itself (ignoring context) was that there are some anachronisms that took me out of the story, particularly in the first episode where “would you like to share with the class” and “saved by the horn” are both used. Both are modern-day idioms in English that just don’t fit, especially the latter. The last episode uses “the friends we made along the way.” There are other modern idioms as well.

IT’S STARKOVA and Other Pet Peeves Around the Russian Portrayal

Russian names are not hard, and Russian naming systems are very, very easy to learn. I could have waved “Starkov” not being “Starkova,” “Nazyalensky” not being “Nazyalenskaya,” and “Safin” not being “Safina” as an American interpretation (since in America, the names do not femininize). However, “Mozorova” as a man is unfathomable and suggests to me the author just doesn’t understand how names work, which is a bit... uh okay considering a simple google search gets you to understand Russian names. They aren’t hard. I cannot understand why the show did not fix this. It is so simple to fix and would be a major way to help the story’s overall... caricature of Russia.

Speaking of that... Ravka is supposedly Russian-based, but it is more accurately based on the stereotypes of what Americans think of Russia. Amerussia? Russica? Not great.

The royals are exactly what Americans think of the Romanovs, right down to the “greasy” “spiritual advisor” who is clearly Rasputin and which ignores the Romanov history, very real tragedy, and the reason Rasputin was present in the court. The religion with all its saints is a vapid reflection of Russian Orthodoxy. The military portrayal with its lotteries and brutality and war is how the US views the Russian military. The emphasis on orphans, constant starvation, classification, and children being ripped from their homes to serve the government is a classic US understanding of USSR communism right down to the USSR having weapons of destruction the rest of the world fears (Grisha). Not trying to defend the Soviet Union here at all, but it is simplistic and reductive and probably done unconsciously but still ehhhh.

However, I’m not Russian. I just studied Russian literature. I’ve seen very little by way of discussion of this topic online, but what I do see from Russian people has been mixed--some mind, some don’t. The reality is that I actually don’t really mind this because it’s fantasy, though I see why some do. I'm not like CANCEL THIS. So why am I talking about this beyond just having a pet peeve?

Well, because it is a valid critique, and because it doesn’t occur in a vacuum. The Grishaverse is heralded as an almost paragon for woke Young Adult literature, which underlines itself what so frustrates me about how literary circles discuss issues of diversity and culture. Such praise, while ignoring its quasi-caricature of Russia, reflects a very ethnocentric (specifically American) understanding of culture, appropriation, and representation. All stories are products of their culture to various extents, but it bothers me on principle what the lit community reacts (and overreacts sometimes?) to and what people give a pass to. The answer to what the community reacts to and what it gives a pass always pivots on how palatable the appropriation is to American understandings and sensibilities. There’s nuance here as well, though.

I'm not cancelling the story or thinking it should be harshly attacked for this, but it is something that can be discussed and imo should be far more often--but with the nuance it begs, instead of black/white. But that’s a tall ask.

#s&b #hamliet reviews #shadow and bone #six of crows #kanej #jesper fahey #kaz brekker #inej ghafa #alina starkov #malyen oretsev #the darkling #darklina #malina #aleksander kirigan #netflix shadow and bone #s&b review

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floralseokjin · 2 years ago

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⤑ 9 months to fall in love 10 replies.

@starbtslove replied: The second hand embarrassment killed me during Seduce Seokjin Mode. Oh my good god 😂😂 literally had to shut my phone, laugh and then continue to read again 😂

Poor Oc :( 😂😂 she just wanted some action lol

@jaegerlst replied: I WAS LAUGHING MY ASS OFF THE ENTIRE TIME OC WAS TRYING TO SEDUCE SEOKJIN 😭😭

I’m glad it amused you 😂😭

@nanied93 replied: This was great!! The make out in the kitchen was 🥵. And I loved how as soon as she decides to seduce he decides to abstain lol. They’re so cute. I’m glad Seokjin confessed why he doesn’t want to go all the way for now. Also I can’t wait for Jungkook and Yuna to meet! They are so similar they either won’t like each other or would be best friends lol .

Seokjin cockblocked himself 😭 and omg I never thought of that, but you’re so right 😂 Imagine if Jungkook and Yuna hated one another... they’re both like “he/she’s so annoying” lmao

@hobiiiiiworld replied: This is way too funny! Thank you for giving me a laugh 😍

and thank you for reading! 😘

@fr41l7y replied: Omg I can’t wait to Yuna and Jungkook to meet 🤣 this chapter was amazing, I was laughing the whole time, may have woken up my neighbours 🤣🤣 the make out session in the kitchen was ✨chef’s kiss✨ thank you ♥️ + If someone hasn’t started reading this fic now is the time because it’s just perfect! The character chemistry, the writing, the humour! It’s all so addictive ♥️🙌🏻

I can’t wait for them to meet either! It will happen one day! and wahh thank you! I’m so happy this chapter made you laugh (and possibly wake up your neighbours lol) 😂

@murphbearr replied: This is so great!! I loved how the oc was getting embarassed while seducing. Nonetheless, they becoming so cute. Also the make out scene.. Damn!! Overall it was such a great chapter like always! ❤

They really becoming so cute 🥺 Thank you for reading!

@sweett-nightt replied: omg im Yuna this whole chapter BABE 😭 I WANTED YOU TO GET DICK TONIGHT this had me because i was like that !!! i’m still loving slow jin and oc i’m sure the wait will be worth it 💜

Yes! The longer the wait, the better it will be 😏 Thank you for reading!

@violetfeelz replied: such a good chapter as usual!! loved the yeonjun name drop and finally meeting jimin. your writing is always so good cant wait for the next one!

Thank you so much, happy you enjoyed this chapter 💖

@seokjinsyoonji replied: I finished all 9 chapters last night and saved this one for today and honestly, now I can't feel my lungs bc I laughed so damn hard! I am also borderline understanding the sex situation but going crazy and impatient at the same time, from both oc and seokjin's behalf :) hope she gets the d soon lmaooo

I hope she gets the d soon too 😩😩 girl deserves it! Thank you for reading, soo happy you’re enjoying!!!

@yoontaethings replied: this is so funny 😂 literally the same with @starbtslove had to turn off my phone for a while to digest that seducing scene and continue reading. i'm glad they decided to take things slow though if i'm being honest i just cannot wait for them to get down and get dirty lol also looking forward to yuna and jungkook meeting! i can just imagine the chaos that ensues 😂🤍

The seducing scene was painful in a funny way 😂 I wonder how long they can take it slow for..... Thank you for reading!

@bri-mal replied: Yuna be stressing me out! She's so funny but I can get why OC gets whip lash 😂 I too am excited for the Jungkook and Yuna meeting, I'll be with Seokjin and OC eating popcorn! I am loving the developments being made. And I can see where the Positively Yours vibes trickle in 😊

Yuna made Oc’s first grey hair appear, I’m sure 😂 and oh god, just IMAGINING those two together is giving me a headache lmao! Thank you for reading!

@lookhere-2seok replied: yuna is a menace!! 😭😭😭 this was such a great chapter!! seokjin and oc are so smitten for each other, it’s so cute 🥺 can’t wait to keep reading ! 🤍

Thank you so much for reading 🥺💖

@majamarantha replied: Am I bad thinking Yoongi can do something about that? 😏 Seokjin, my man.. you are too slow!! Hahahaa can't wait for the next chapter

JDHJSHJ why would you say that?! That would be so evil of me (and OC!!!) Thank you for reading and for giving me a good laugh 😂

@hamsterclaw reblogged and said: I love this! I love all the amazing and funny supportive characters and the wonderful MC. It’s amusing and so so warm and lovely to read.

Ahh, thank you! I’m so happy you’re enjoying the story <3

@purest-expressionofgrief reblogged and said: i love them. i love oc and seokjin and all the supporting characters so much. but man THAT BREAST MILK SCENE 💀💀💀

That breast mile scene was for all the lactation anons 😂😂 Thank you, I’m so happy you’re enjoying!

@munirecs reblogged and said: hawt dawg im so into this couple ,, EYE wanna be glob so bad stfu rn 🤡love how comfortable they’re getting w each other and how their lives are falling into place ,, meeting each others friends, bonding but also,, daily life, etc… it all feels so subtle and real 🫶🏻JUNGKOOK TRULY IS MY UNI WET DREAM U R SOOOO LOUD FOR THAT ONE JORDAN!!!! nd oc being h0rny 🥺🥺🥺 dick her down DISRESPECTFULLY MR SEOKJIN IDC IDC IDCCCCCC

DICK HER DOWN DISRESPECTFULLY 😭😭😂😂 I’m sure he’ll get that chance soon enough....... and lmao! Jungkook really is everyone’s past uni self’s wet dream 🤧😮‍💨 Thank you for reading!!

@purpuravm reblogged and said: I'm with Yuna, this is the real slow burn 😭Anyway, I love their interactions, they're so into each other 🥺, but made sad noticed how Yoongi knows that y/n is in love with Seokjin. Btw, I love Yuna, she made laugh a lot 😂

I adore slow burn so much 🤧 I feel for Yoongi, but he’ll be okay, I promise!! And I’m happy you love Yuna, she’s great lol

@jjungcookie reblogged and said: This chapter too was amazing. Yuna really needs to stop trying to set the mc up it isn't working😂 Jin by the way is amazing, I love him. He is respectable and sweet and with the things the mc and yuna do to him he has seen everything he possibly could hahaha. I can't wait to see what more you have prepared for us❣️

Yuna is TERRIBLE at it. I don’t know what her goal is 🤣 and I feel like Jin doesn’t bat an eyelid at Yuna’s behaviour because he has his own male version (i.e Jungkook LOL) Thank you for reading!

@rj-moon reblogged and said: The amount of times I’ve had to stop reading because I was getting so flustered. Justice for yn going through her maybe she’s just horny or maybe Seokjin is just too damn fine phase. When he’s literally avoiding yns advances at all costs had me ON THE FLOOR. I seriously melted when he was trying to explain why he doesn’t want to screw things up with sex. He wants everything, her, glob, the life with them so bad he’s willing to just suffer a stiffy. I would do anything for this man. Ty for making me fall in love with yet another fictional characterization of Kim mf seokjin.

“maybe she’s just horny or maybe Seokjin is just too damn fine” sums it up perfectly! Which one is it?? probably both 😩 and LMAO “suffer a stiffy”. He’s suffered sO many 😭 Thank you for reading, so happy you’re enjoying 💕

#fic:9mtfil #replies

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harper-hook · 4 years ago

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Into The Woods | Harry Hook x Reader

Request: Can I request a Harry X reader where the reader is Peter Pan's daughter and they hate each other at first but then things get really heated between them and it turns into full on smut?

Warnings: Oral sex

Author’s Note: This almost killed me to write tbh

The familiar scraping of metal on metal made you groan mentally and slam your locker. “what do ya want now, Hook?” You snapped, unfortunately used to your father’s enemy's son bothering you. “Just came to see me favorite little sprite.” He replied with a wide grin, seeing how it got under your skin.

You stopped yourself before you yelled at him and caused a scene. It was the day right before Spring Break and you didn’t want to damper your spirits by earning after school detention as soon as you got back. “Well you saw me. Now back off.” You ordered.

Harry stepped back, faking a wounded look. “My plans don’t involve backing off.” He smirked. “Quite the opposite in fact, seeing as you’re heading back to Neverland.” You groaned and rolld your eyes. This again.

“If you let me tag along, I’ll make it worth your wild.” He practically purred, getting up in your personal bubble. You sneered at him. “Listen, Hook and listen good.” You poked him chest with your finger. “You will never! Set foot in Neverland if I have anything to say about it!” You hissed.

Harry’s smirk dropped and he adopted an angry glare. You were a bit nervous but you couldn’t back down now. “Then we’ll just have to hope nothing happens to ya!” He hissed. You growled, getting in his face and bawling your fists.

“Hook! Pan!” You snapped out of your rage as Fairy Godmother came bustling around the corner, catching you both. Uh oh...

One long and infuriating detention later, you were finally packing up. “Stupid Hook and his stupid face...” You ranted to Ben over the phone. Ben sighed as you leaned against the side of your car, trunk still open. “Didn’t you think he was cute when he first came here?” Mal asked, joining Ben on the other line.

The good thing about being over the phone was no one could see you roll your eyes. "That was before he opened his mouth." You huffed. “So you’re gonna talk to Tiger Peony about the trade deal between Neverland and Auradon, right?” Ben changed the subject.

“Yeah I’ll do your job while on my spring break, Ben.” You rolled your eyes. "I appreciate it, you know?" He said. "Uh huh. See if you can lower my detention sessions when I come back." Ben sighed, confirming that he said he would see what he could do.

You said your goodbyes and promised to call once you arrived; Ben always the worrier. Hanging up, you quickly slammed your trunk shut and climbed in the driver's side.

Taking one last look at Auradon Prep in the mirror, you pulled out and started on your long 6 hour drive.

-----

The first couple of hours of the drive you didn't mind. Plenty of sunlight and good music made the time fly. But thanks to Fairy Godmother's detention, you'd left 2 hours late and now the sun was going down quick.

Driving at night didn't bother you but driving through Summerwoods at night bothered you. You turned your music down and took a deep breath, trying to keep calm. Now you really regretted turning Herkie’s invitation for a ride. “(Y/N), you’re a fucking moron.” You hummed to yourself.

Then it sounded like a gun shot went off. You let out a small shriek, thankfully not swerving your car off the road. You slowed considerably, still confused and terrified. Then you heard it, what sounded like a horse’s snort, the spluttering of air. Your heart sank, grip tightening on the steering wheel. “Are you fucking serious right now?!”

Slowly limping your car to the side of the road and putting it in park, you practically threw yourself out of the door, mood souring at the telltale signs of a popped tire. You glanced to the right and saw the back tire, flat as paper.

You groaned, you held your head in your hands. Ok, keep yourself together, you thought. I’m a strong independent woman and I can change a tire, that’s what I keep a spare for, you reminded yourself.

You ran to the back and popped the trunk open again. “Hiya!” You screamed, stumbling backwards and falling on the ground. You laid there in complete shock, breathing heavily and heart thumping. You could hear Harry wheezing in laughter.

After a few seconds, you sat up, gasping for air. “What the fuck?” You rasped out. Harry climbed out of your trunk, still shaking in mirth. Shakily, you stood to your feet, narrowing your eyes at the boy in front of you.

“What in the actual fuck do you think you’re going?” You screamed, no longer shaking in fear but in anger. “I’m going to Neverland, what does it look like?” He said with a slight eyeroll like you were stupid. This just pissed you off more.

“It looks like you’re some kind of fucking stalker!” Harry stopped laughing, looking at you with a positively poisonous glare. He stomped up to you, clearly trying to intimidate you. You were too angry to care.

“You might wanna loose the attitude, lass. We’re all alone out here.” He sneered. It was your turn to roll your eyes. “Just get out of my way.” You pushed past him, peering into your trunk. “Where’s my spare tire?” You questioned, looking back at Harry who looked like a pouty kid caught in the cookie jar.

“Was awful cramped in there with that thing.” He muttered. He continued at your deadpan look. “Threw it out at the school.” You took a sharp, deep inhale, fists clenching and unclenching. You turned and slammed your trunk shut, putting your arms and head down on top of it.

You couldn’t help but laugh. The whole irony and bullshit of the situation was honestly laughable. It would’ve been funnier if it hadn’t been you. “Pan?” You heard Harry call. “What?!” You snapped, raising your head.

“Ya okay?” Your eyes widened as you spun around. “I’m gonna pretend you didn’t just ask me that when you literally ruined my entire evening!” You screamed at him. Harry marched up to you, forcing you back against your trunk. “I thought I told you to loose the fucking attitude.” He snapped. He grabbed the hair at the base of your neck and practically bent you over backwards on your trunk.

He leaned in close to you, cocky smirk on his face. You snarled and bared your teeth, leaning closer to his face. “Am I supposed to be scared of you? There’s 1000 things in these woods alone that are scarier than you.” You and Harry’s gazes locked. His eyes were so... blue. You really hadn’t noticed before.

His glare softened slightly and he released his grip on your hair, stepping back. You straightened up, keeping a close eye on Harry. You’d never admit that he scared you a bit. Never.

It was silent now. You looked away into the forest. It was completely dark now. Crunching sounds from the forest made the hairs on your arms raise. You and Harry shared a look to confirm you both heard it. A nearby wolf’s howl made you gasp and reach out, a firm hold on Harry’s shirt. He held your wrist.

“C’mon. C’mon.” He ushered you to the backseat and practically shoved you in and climbed in after you. You sighed and tucked your knees under your chin. Fuck, this was bad. “Call Princey. See what kinda magic he can work.” Harry murmured, like he was afraid to talk too loud.

“Hey, finally a smart suggestion from you.” You said with a sarcastic smile and leaned forward to your car’s center panel. You had both knees on the middle storage compartment, waiting on the phone to ring.

“Hello?” Ben answered after three rings. “Ben!” You were instantly filled with relief. “I need some help. My car blew a tire in the Summerwoods.” You explained. “What about your spare?” He asked. You turned to glance at Harry who gave a sarcastic wave. You flipped him off and turned back around. “It was a bad spare.” You lied. “Can you send help?”

“Uh, yeah. It’s gonna be a couple of hours though.” Ben said. You groaned at the fact you already knew. “Thanks, Ben. I’ll make it up to you one day, I swear.” You smiled at Ben’s laughter. “Yeah, just hang tight.” With that, he hung up and you tossed your phone back into the center console.

You moved to sit back down in the backseat, instead moving into something solid. While you were preoccupied, Harry had slid into the middle seat right behind you. “What are you-” You squeaked as Harry pulled you down into his lap.

He wound his hand into your hair again and bent you backwards, leaving your neck exposed. His other hand had a firm grip on your hip. You gasped as he licked a stripe up your neck, blowing on it to make you shudder. “W-what are you doing?”

“I can see it, ya know? I saw it earlier. Ya look at me the way I look at ya.” He murmured, low and close to your ear. “You lie and say you hate me but have still fantasized about this. About me.” He placed a kiss on your neck. Your shaking hands found their place on his knees.

“Say you want this. Say you want me. Or I’ll let you go and we never have to speak again.” Your heart hurt in an unexplained way. This bickering love-to-hate routine you and Harry had fallen into naturally, for it all to stop one day? It seemed Harry Hook had somehow managed to worm his way into your heart.

“Harry...” You murmured, looking up at him. “I want you. Now.” You said with more confidence that you’d anticipated. He looked surprised but quickly adopted his signature cocky grin. “Atta girl.” He helped you turn around to straddle him.

You bent down to kiss along his jawline before planting one on his lips. It started innocent but quickly turned rougher and more passionate. Harry raised his hand and brought it down hard on your ass. You gasped into the kiss and pulled away, looking at Harry with an indignant look.

“That’s for the fuckin’ attitude you’ve been giving me for the last 4 months.” He growled, voice deep and husky. “You’ll get a lot more later.” He said, his tone of voice making you realize you were in for a world of hurt later.

He tugged on the bottom of your shirt before pulling it off. He grinned and pulled you back for another kiss, slowly grinding his erection against your leg. You scratched his shoulders as you pulled away.

“I’m not fucking you on the first date.” You said matter-of-factly. He looked at you, confused and a bit annoyed. “Technically it’s not even a date. More of a car invasion.” You crossed your arms, smirking at Harry. He narrowed his eyes before grinning himself.

“Either way, I’m still gonna rock your world, luv.” He smacked your ass in the same spot, making you hiss in pain. You climbed off his lap and leaned up against the door, Harry right on top of you.

You gripped the seat as Harry kissed down your neck, teeth scraping your skin. Your head was tossed back as he moved lower and lower. "Look at me." You glanced down and could barely make out Harry kneeling between your legs.

He started tugging on your jeans and you lifted up to help him. In one fluid motion, your jeans were tossed into the front seat. You whimpered, feeling exposed. Harry shushed you, breathing close to your lower belly. "Trust me."

Your heart lurches in shock as cold metal dragged its way up your leg and hooked into your underwear, tugging them down. You felt like your face was on fire.

You took a deep breath as Harry threw one leg over his shoulder and the opposite leg was pushed to dangle over the floor boards. You flushed again as Harry kissed gently up your thigh. You shrieked as he nipped your inner thigh.

"Fucker..." You stammered. Harry laughed before he leaned down close to your heat. He slowly dragged his tongue up your slit. You moaned loudly, one hand reaching to Harry's head, pushing him down.

You sighed and moaned into your hand as Harry continued his ministrations. "I- I wanna hear you." Harry murmured into your thigh. "I wanna hear how good I'm making you feel." His voice barely more than a whisper.

"Harry!" You moaned loudly as Harry blew cool air over your slit. "That's my girl." And he went back down on you, more aggressive this time. The air in the car felt thick and foggy, just like your thought process.

Harry moved to your clit, clearly tracing a pattern. He used one hand on hold your bucking hips down as he continued. "Are you-" You trailed into a high pitched whine. "Tracing your fucking name?" You shook violently.

You could feel Harry grin against you. He moved up into your face, noses nearly touching. "Yeah. And what are ya going to do about it?" He sneered, attack your neck again with a rigorous fever. "Mine." That one word sent a fire burning through you.

One of Harry's hands moved you your slit, two fingers slipping in easily. "Harry..." You moaned, tears coming to your eyes. He was still sucking and biting at the base of your neck and collarbone, clearly trying to leave a mark. You dug your nails into the back of his neck, making him let out a few curses.

Harry curled his fingers against your G-spot relentlessly, your legs shaking and your hips bucking wildly. "Harry!" You sobbed as you finally came, back arching and world going still.

It was quiet for a moment and the only sound was both of yours heavy breathing. Harry pulled his fingers out and wiped them on his pant, sitting back on the other side of the backseat. You sat up and pulled your legs back to you.

You winced, pain shooting through your body. "What the fuck did you do to me, Hook?" You muttered. Your legs and back were cramped up and it felt like you'd been punched in the neck. He laughed heartily. "Fucked ya up good, huh?"

You rolled your eyes but couldn't help but agree. Between your dried tears on your cheeks and messy hair from rubbing against the window, not to mention all the bruises.

You glanced over at Harry who was looking at you curiously. "What?" He asked. You smirked at him, leaning over him. You ran you hand down his chest and iver the bulge in his pants, making him buck into your hand. "It's my turn now."

#disney descendants #descendants #descendants imagine #descendants harry #harry hook x reader #harry hook imagines #harry hook

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4stars-uswnt · 4 years ago

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Surprise Animal Trivia [USWNT x Reader]

requested by anon: I don't know if requests are still open but if they are can you do one where the reader just doesn't really talk a lot but they find out one way to have a conversation is to talk about animals since she loves them. Sorry if it doesn't make sense

A/N: this was super fun to write, and i actually learned some things about dolphins and discovered what an okapi is, so thanks for this request!

“Hey, kiddo! It’s good to see you again.” Kelley smirks, as she wraps her arm around your shoulder, ruffling your hair.

“You saw me two days ago.” You deadpan, rolling your eyes at your club teammate. At only 18 years old, you had been on the national team for the past two years. You were a naturally quiet, timid person, but you became even more shy when at camps, not only because you were surrounded by many of your role models but also because you were scared to mess up as the youngest on the team.

“You ready for camp?” She asks, as the two of you make your way to the team meeting.

You only nod in response. Kelley chuckles, opening the door for you.

Upon entering, you receive many cheers and greetings.

“It’s my favorite youngster!” Ashlyn calls out.

“(Y/N), come sit by me.” Pinoe waves you over.

“(Y/N/N)!” Sonny shouts.

You sheepishly duck your head and make your way to the front of the room. Although you were one of the best midfielders in the country, you always took team meetings and film sessions very seriously because you wanted to prove to the coaches that you deserved to be here.

As the meeting starts, you listen intently and keep to yourself, whereas a couple of your teammates were whispering and cracking a couple of jokes.

“Alright, well I’m excited to get started.” Vlatko claps his hands together. “I’ll see you all out on the pitch.”

—————

On the field, you were a completely different animal. Although you weren’t the most vocal or the most celebratory, you tore up the field, scoring goals and making your own teammates look like fools.

“Damn, kid. You did not come to play.” Kelley huffs, after you beat her and slot the ball in the lower corner past Ashlyn.

You look down, a small smirk on your face, as Vlatko blows the whistle, ending training for the day.

“Thank goodness you were on my team today.” Alex smiles.

“Jeez, (Y/N), you couldn’t take it a little easier on me.” Ash teases, pulling her gloves off.

“Uh, thanks guys.” You mumble, rubbing the back of your neck.

“(Y/N/N)! You were incredible! You’re definitely gonna play this weekend.” Mal jumps on your back, kissing your cheek.

“Thanks, Mal.” You blush.

“Alright you two, let’s get going.” Christen laughs, moving you along towards the bus.

You slide into your window seat, Kelley following right after you. As your scrolling through your phone, you can feel the defender staring at you with a large grin across her face.

“What?” You turn to look at the other woman.

“What’s going on with you and Mal?” Kelley smirks.

“Nothing!” You exclaim.

“You sure? Not even a little crush.”

“I’m sure.” You insist, your cheeks flushing.

“Mkay.” The freckled woman hums and turns across the aisle to talk to Alex and Allie.

You put your headphones on, contently listening to music for the rest of the bus ride.

—————

The team had decided to go out to dinner in downtown LA that evening, Christen and Alex knowing the best restaurants in the city. On the way there, you stuck with the youngsters not really saying much. Noticing your quietness, Mal drifts over to you.

“Hey.” She wraps her arm around your waist. “How are you doing?”

“Good.” You lean your head on her shoulder.

Mal furrows her eyebrows at your short response. “Are you nervous?” She asks, genuinely curious.

“Mhm. I’m just a little shy.”

Mal softens at your confession. “You’re cute.” She cheekily grins.

You blush, giving her a small smile. “Thanks.”

Mal nods, beaming, before she returns to the crazy story Emily was telling.

—————

As the team waits for their food, the table is filled with boisterous and energetic conversation.

“(Y/N)!” Ashlyn call from across the table. “Did Kelley really beat both Becky and Chris in Monopoly?”

“Huh?” You tilt your head, confused by the randomness of the question.

“We’re trying to settle a debate here. So did she?” Megan explains.

“No.” You bluntly confirm, resulting in a burst of laughters and howls from the veteran side of the table.

“So, (Y/N), how are you settling in with the Royals?” Tobin asks.

“I like Utah.” You nod.

The older forward chuckles. “You still a little shy?”

You bashfully shake your head.

“Tobes, you know (Y/N). She’s our shy little baby.” Kelley coos, pinching your cheek.

“Stop, Kel.” You mumble, swatting her hand away.

Once the food arrives, you immediately dig in. The team continues exchanging stories and cracking jokes, all while shoving food into their mouths. After the meal, as you’re all waiting for the check, Kelley pulls out her phone.

“Janice, did you see this post?” She shows the forward a photo of a dolphin with their nose against a pregnant woman’s stomach.

“Ha! Al, you should’ve done that.” Allie snorts.

“What is that even for?” Alex rolls her eyes at her best friends.

“The dolphin can detect the baby inside her stomach because of their echolocation. It basically acts like an ultrasound.” You explain, overhearing their conversation.

Everyone stops and turns to stare at you, surprised that you’d spoken more than a couple of words.

“How do you know that?” Megan asks.

“Uhh.” You shrink under the gaze of your teammates. “I just know a lot animals. Like did you know that dolphins don’t even chew their food? Or that they have two stomachs? Or that they only sleep with half of their brain?” You vibrate with excited energy.

The rest of the women smile at you, amused by your mini rant.

“I didn’t know you liked animals so much.” Mal pipes from next to you.

“Yeah. I mean, obviously, there are so many different kinds of animals, so there’s just so much to learn.”

“So what’s your favorite animal?” Christen asks.

“Hmm.” You purse your lips, considering your options. “Probably the Okapi.”

“What the hell is an Okapi?” Emily calls out.

“It’s the only living relative to the giraffe, but it looks like a cross between a deer and a zebra.” You elaborate, as you search up a picture to show the table.

“Aw, it’s kinda cute.” Rose coos.

You nod in agreement. “What’s really cool is that they have scene glands on the bottom of their hooves to mark its territory!” You wave your hands enthusiastically.

“Ha, I guess we should just bring up animals if we wanna hear you talk.” Kelley teases.

“Uh, I guess. I mean I could go on about animals.” You scratch the back of your neck and chuckle nervously. “And I’m sorry I don’t really talk a lot. I’m just really shy and wanna impress you guys.” You mumble out a confession, looking down at your fidgeting hands.

“Kid, you impress us all the time.” Tobin assures.

“Seriously, (Y/N). You’re one of the best midfielders in the world right now, AND you’re not even twenty years old yet!” Alex exclaims.

The rest of the woman add their own comments, boosting your confidence

Mal smiles softly and takes your hand into hers, giving you a comforting squeeze. “You are an amazing person and player, (Y/N), and we love you just the way you are, so if you don’t like talking a lot, we’ll still love you.”

You feel your cheeks redden and your heart burst. “Thanks you guys. I really do see you guys as a second family, having practically grown up with all of you.”

“AWWWWW! We see you as family too!” Kelley cries, placing a wet kiss onto your cheek.

“OK, that’s enough, Kel.” You scrunch your nose, playfully wiping your cheek.

“But you’re my little kiddo, and I’m your team mom.” The defender pouts.

“Hey! I thought I was her team mom.” Christen interjects.

“Both of you are my team moms.” You roll your eyes at the two women. “And Becky.” You look at the blonde woman, acknowledging her with a small smile. Beck nods, a silent thank you.

“(Y/N/N), you ever been to the LA Zoo?” Alex asks.

You shake your head. “I’ve actually never been to a zoo before.”

Many of the women’s jaws drop, especially since you’d just revealed your immense love for animals.

“You’ve never been to a zoo?” Ali blurts.

“No.” You murmur. “My parents were always working when I was growing up, so we never really did any of that kind of stuff.”

“Well, we have the day off tomorrow.” Alex sings. “Wanna go?”

“Yes!” An earsplitting grin breaks out across your face, as you nod eagerly. “Can the whole team come?” You sheepishly request.

“Duh!” Kelley responds, causing you to smile and the rest of the table to cheer.

You can’t help but shake with excitement, bouncing in your seat. You were looking forward to the trip to the zoo tomorrow and couldn’t wait not only to learn about the animals you were so passionate about but also spend time with the women you loved so much.

#uswnt x reader #uswnt imagine #uswnt imagines

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dalasteller · 4 years ago

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shadow and bone spoilers! malina/mal fans this is not for you but it’s not pro-darklina either. i’m an alina x alina supremacist

so, somehow, the show made me like book!malina more than show!malina after weeks of thinking the opposite would be true. i don’t even like book!mal/malina, but my neutrality towards them is nothing compared to how much i detested show!malina.

I WANTED THE TV SHOW TO MAKE ME LOVE THEM. the trailers made me think i would!!! i'd heard screeners and reviewers talk about this epic love story that transcends everything—these two people who would do anything for each other—and i don't disagree, they definitely would. i just wish they would shut the fuck up about it.

sorry.

looking back, i'd rather the show gave us mal with flaws, who wasn't perfect to alina, who would die for her, but still said the wrong thing and flirted with other girls and was afraid of her power at first. archie did a great job. he just couldn't make me love mal, and neither could the writers opting to make him main character no. 2 and alina’s prince in shining armour who supports her endlessly and has never done anything wrong in his life ever. writers, please, why did you think that was a good idea? when i said i wanted a more likeable mal, i meant i wanted his flaws accompanied by positive traits, by compelling backstory, by personality outside of being alina's hot best friend who never noticed her. i didn't mean i wanted a guy who could be wrapped in a gift box and sold as a robo-boyfriend designed for romance.

no, i mean, they really did write him that way.

what i definitely didn't mean i wanted was over an hour of the show dedicated to watching mal’s perspective of hunting the stag and making besties with his military bros and writing letters to alina and getting shot at a bunch of times instead of letting the book characters who were already beloved by fans get the screentime they deserved. what i wouldn't do to have gotten more genyalina and well-written zoya instead of mal dissecting deer shit...

you would think with how much talk about malina basically being soulmates, childhood flashbacks, fighting and nearly dying for each other at least four times (and did i mention more narration about being soulmates?) that i would take the bait and just let malina set sail. but this show held me at gunpoint for eight hours straight and told me that these two are going to have the same cultural influence as new romeo and juliet and that if i disagree i am going to be killed on the spot. because of this, i have now died.

don't tell me what to do, narrative, because i'm not going to do it!

i am also annoyed that they took the time to redesign mal in perfect childhood-friends-to-lovers dreamboat fashion but refused to retcon zoya's stupid misogyny-fueled bitchy YA girl arc and instead made it even worse by having her be racist to alina? what was the thought process there? they seriously fucked her over. i tried to pretend it didn't happen moving forward but why do they want to use racism as a tool for developing a "bully" character anyway, especially a woc? am i meant to forget about it? they lost me there. i feel like the female characters, with the exception of inej, generally weren't given the same care the male characters were. there was a lot of sidelining in favour of mal's redemptive rewrite and the darkling's 15 minutes of half-assed backstory and crying in every scene for some reason. “make me your villain” .... okay, simpboy, i’ll try my best.

i've already talked about why i hated mal's role (i clarify his role, not his character, because there was literally nothing wrong with him and that’s why i hated him so much) but i'm going to address it from the perspective of my love for alina and why i think this decision was so disrespectful to her. alina in the books was already in need of more characterization, time for herself and her internal development as opposed to her relationship with the three male love interests she acquires through the series. somehow this show took a main character already underused in her own story (though at least the books are told from her pov) and neglected her even further. alina is tied almost entirely to her male counterparts, mal especially, but i'd say the darkling is used as a narrative rebound. i think they both have chemistry and can serve a purpose in the story but the emphasis on codependency is impossible to ignore.

in the first four episodes, every scene that could have been alina struggling to settle into a new life and dealing with the emotional weight of her pressure as a saint was instead about mal. she writes him letters, and cries over him, and slips him into conversations that have nothing to do with him, and gets sad after slipping him into conversations that have nothing to do with him, and can't use her power because she's thinking of him, and then only decides to fully accept her power because of his absence.

alina's feelings are lended to nothing but her missing mal. he isn't just her best friend and love, he's this colossal piece of her identity that she doesn't get to exist without, even when he's gone. the show's exhaustive attempt to make mal loveable and make malina an epic love story turns our female protagonist into a sulking, miserable shell of a character everytime he's mentioned, which, by the way, is like, every two minutes. and apparently it's necessary to draw parallels to the same three flashbacks in all of them. i knoowwwwwwww, they held hands and now they can't anymore, i knowwww. they ran through a meadow, i knowwwwwwwwwwwwww.

watching her scenes almost drove me to printing out a bechdel test and ticking off as many boxes as possible.

i hated it. it made me sad.

i wanted more alina. i want her power to be her own. i wanted that tension between her and mal in the books because his flaws gave her a chance to stand up for herself and say that she liked being powerful. that summoning is a part of her and she would never give it up. that there was a tinge of corruption, of greed, of wanting to be the sun summoner, and it was intriguing! mal's issue of not accepting alina's power allowed her to express how much it meant to her. i wanted the alina who said "the night was velvety black and strewn with jewels. the hunger struck me suddenly. i want them, i thought." i wanted a hint of the sun summoner who decided when it got dark and relished in it (yes i know this can be expanded upon in s2). alina has a cocky side, her insecurities are explored and she finds strength in her new gift and eventually has to find strength outside of it, but in the show the catalyst to her powers is mal. always. is it romantic? sure. but it's hard to enjoy the romance when all we see of alina is her romantic connection to mal. can't she be more than that?

#anti malina #i dont use tumblr and i hate discourse so just block if this take bothers you because i can’t be asked to engage in an argument on here #sab spoilers #shadow and bone #shadow and bone spoilers #tgt #alina starkov #anti malyen oretsev

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flying-elliska · 4 years ago

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Shadow and Bone Season 1 Review

Ok so I got distracted by a need to watch all of Ben Barnes' filmography (lmao) but here is my review : It was really fun to watch and it was clearly made with love which is already the main thing with YA fantasy, which is often turned into a soulless moneygrab when put on screen. The actors were GREAT. I did think that the Crows suffered from being mashed up with the Shadow and Bone story, but they were still a highlight. I also think it was a bit rushed, esp. when it came to Alina's training. The costumes were beautiful, I want a kefta now. Plus the crossover fanfic interactions btw the SaB characters and the Crows were just pure joy. Also Milo, obviously <3 I'm in hyperfixation mode so here, have an essay :

The "Shadow and Bone" Characters :

- Jessie Mei Li !!!!!! She really made me like Alina so much more than in the books, she absolutely is the 'human embodiment of literal sunshine' and she was a joy to watch. Her character's arc is cliché but her acting is so expressive and endearing, I really felt for her all the way through. (maybe I'm biased bc Jessie talking about her ADHD and seeing her thrive at the same time is like!!! i love them they deserve all the best.) I like that they made Alina more proactive - even though she does make some stupid decisions... but I just don't understand people who put that down as bad writing, like ??? have you ever met a real person who only makes wise, good decisions ?? a character like that would either be at the end of their story or just in the background because that makes them static. The things with the maps in the beginning does a good job of illustrating how she is just this one girl making rash, erratic decisions out of fear and loyalty and doesn't have a sense of the bigger picture, caught in the tide of bigger events. It works for her character. When it comes to the choice of making her half-Shu, I do think it really makes sense re: her character feeling like an outsider but I do understand the criticisms that the microaggressions felt too relentless and one-note. I am really looking forward to them introducing Tamar and Tolya and hopefully connecting to them over her heritage in a more positive way.

- Mal in the books was one of the most annoying YA characters I've ever come across, so I really liked that they made him much more of a loyal, devoted friend. I found his relationship with Alina cute, it really gives us the sense that these are two orphans who found a home in each other, childhood best friends (and potential sweethearts) separated by war, two army grunts and ordinary people caught up in the wheels of power and war that usually crushes people like them, it's a great way to introduce the dynamics of their world and it's a trope that always makes me emo. It felt a bit too one note to me, though, and too heavily on the nose, like Mal's only personality was his attachment to Alina (and his resentment towards the Grisha) and too much of her emotional arc also relied on him. Them hitting us over the head with the meadow scenes felt like pure telling instead of showing and it ended up being super repetitive and kind of annoying. I am willing to like this pairing, but I wanted more scenes of them just having conversations about things and really understanding why they like each other beyond the whole childhood friends bond that we're asked to accept exists at the beginning. So I hope there's more depth there in next seasons.

- Ben Barnes!!!! Just jksdfhgkdjghdf. I'm not a big villain stan usually and I hated the Darkling in the books but DAMN his performance is just amazing. They managed to make him more sympathetic and human while at the same time making clear the stuff he does is deeply horrible. There's the Magneto-aspect of 'well clearly his methods are fucked up but he's addressing a terrible injustice nobody is doing anything about' that makes it very tempting to root for him ; and again, well, like, Ben Barnes is so hot and charismatic it feels uncomfortable (which I guess is part of the point lol). His loss of humanity is, up to a point, understandable, brought about by despair, loneliness, grief and a sense of powerlessness - living so long he starts to see other people as disposable, losing so many people he stops caring, seeing over and over how hate never seems to stop, etc. It's a logical explanation for going insane.

But the hunger for power is also very much present as a motivation and this ambiguity is there constantly. Does he maybe come to genuinely care for Alina or is it totally bullshit ? I think he does, he's just so fucked up that it comes out as possessiveness and a need to control her. He wants Alina to be his equal but he's incapable of treating her that way. It's tragic, in a sense, but the show doesn't excuse his actions either. Like his monstrosity is a product of this world full of injustice, yes, and that warrants some compassion, monsters are always a symptom of their environment in some ways and dehumanizing them completely is an excuse ; but at the same time, he sabotaged his own cause anyway the moment he started to treat other people like things, as he does with Alina, because that just perpetuates the cycle of violence and hate. At some point he started feeling like he was the only solution and he was owed power for his sacrifices, and he's using his cause as an excuse. When Alina came to him, there was a possibility for redemption, taking down the Fold, and it's a test because there is finally someone on his level of power. But instead of seeking to remedy the power imbalance between them, he made it worse, by lying to her, manipulating her, etc, and the antler collar is the ultimate sign of this.

I love those scenes towards the end (the antler-based body horror has big Hannibal vibes, so messed up). I like Alina telling him they could have had this, that she had compassion for him and his cause, that they could have worked together, and he's the one responsible for screwing it up and this time his claim that he's the misunderstood victim ("Make me your villain") appears delusional and self-serving instead of somewhat justified. The almost-lovers to enemies vibes, the sense of lost potential, and the angst of the whole 'oh you could finally have been loved by people, too bad you fucked it up !', very juicy. There is this fundamental idea that power/respect/love is not something you are owed no matter how good your intentions are or because you're strong or you have suffered or you're willing to commit horrible drastic actions, you have to keep proving you deserve it, and trying to claim power without responsibility of care turns you into a monster. The thing with the stag was an excellent metaphor of the fact that there's things you can't take, they have to be given to you, and the wonderful power there is in understanding that is what allows Alina to harness the stag amplifier's power. This is really when she escapes his grim utilitarian outlook and a different way forward and owns her own power fully on her own terms.

Anyway I hope Alina gets to beat the shit out of him at some point that would be very sexy but I'm also looking forward to see how their arcs parallel and diverge from each other as Alina starts to grapple more with the implications of her power and the harsh dilemmas of war and her own dark side. I want to see him become scared of her, and I feel it will be more visible than in the books where he just has this cold aggressive facade all the time. This one feels a lot more openly emotional which is just a lot more interesting.

- As for the other characters ; Zoya mostly made me sad. The actress has the perfect vibes but I'm not sure I love their take on her character so far, it does make sense in terms of the later books - that she has internalized prejudice regarding her mixed-race heritage, that she is jealous of Alina because of how hard she's fought to get where she is and Alina kind of takes it away from her, etc. But I would have liked to see a bit more of her being badass and sharp-tongued in a clever (even if mean) way instead of spending most of her time being rejected by men and being racist towards Alina. I did like the ending though, of her actually seeing the monstrosity of the Darkling in action and the mention of her aunt. And her brief bonding with Inej was great, just because it was badass but also maybe because it could be a part of Zoya learning to accept her Suli heritage in turn, maybe not right away but in time, when thinking of that part of herself, she won't only think of her parents' ruined marriage and all the pain it caused, but also of that badass and brave acrobat girl who went toe to toe with these really scary monsters without even having any powers and !!!!!

- Also Leigh's cameo was so cute and as an aspiring writer this is just such wish fulfillment

- I honestly think that having the Crows there actually made the S&B story better ? Not only in terms of the much needed levity breaks but also in terms of themes. For instance, Matthias and Nina's story gave us a really raw and visceral view of how the Grisha are hunted. And Inej's relationship to Alina really gave us a sense of what Alina actually means to people who believe in the Saints in a way that doesn't feel just like 'ugh those superstitious people' because we know that Inej's faith is part of what makes her who she is and a person with morals, and something that saw her through the worst moments of her life. It feels so special that she got to meet Alina and given a sign that maybe the world is not completely shitty. And Alina's kindness towards Inej really gives you a sense that she might be, or become worthy of that belief in time, or at least that she wants to, that she's figuring out her power to really touch people's lives might be a good thing, and that she's starting to accept this responsibility more fully. And her arming Inej is a nice parallel to that. I'm very emotional about this scene, because one of the first things we see of young Alina is her taking out a knife to defend Mal from the bullies, because she's protective and brave, but she's also aware the world is a shitty place, and so her giving that knife to Inej is a sort of spiritual transmission and recognition of sorts, that she trusts Inej with that fighting power, that she'll use this knife to defend herself and her loved ones and not abuse it. It's so interesting. And a counter point to the Darkling's fucked up relationship to power that Alina might at some point get afraid she'll replicate. That you could see Alina trying to gather followers and using people's admiration for her like he did but instead she sets them free and empowers them. It's great. And I feel that when Inej takes to the seas, she'll think about Alina. (I do hope somebody tells her Alina's not dead at some point though god). Girls giving each other knives is my spirituality, honestly.

- And I also noticed an interesting parallel between Kaz and the Darkling in terms of being two emo dudes who like to wear black, are prone to violence and have a thing for two very powerful women they think are special and want to have at their side, but of course, they go about it in very different ways. The Darkling comes at it from a place of power while Kaz comes from a place of utter powerlessness, first of all, and he understands why it's important to set Inej free. Him spending the entire season trying to earn enough money to pay off Inej's indenture is the opposite to the Darkling putting that collar on Alina and while I do have issues with how the show portrays him, I do love that. Love is about setting the person you love free !!!! And that confrontation scene was so powerful, when Kaz tells the Darkling Alina was tired of being a captive ! Drag him !

- As for Genya, I liked the actress and her chemistry with Alina, but I'm not sure they did a great job of making her arc very clear, for instance what it means for her to get that red kefta, her relationship with the other Grisha, etc. Her and David are already very cute though. Also very much looking forward to see where that goes.

So yeah I think they did a great job with this bit actually, I enjoyed a lot more than I think I would and even though it is a very tropey story, there's plenty of depth there too.

The Crows :

- I'm a bit more nitpicky about this because I care about these characters so much. I think overall the problem is that the SaB story in the books happens on this massive scale with enormous stakes, and that next to that the Crows' issues feel less important ; it's like their impact is distorted by the gravity of the much larger story. Like for instance, Kaz in the books is very much at the center of everything, this larger than life trickster figure who knows and controls almost everything by sheer cleverness, and he has this sense of allure and mystique that can't happen here, and so his aura just shrinks. On top of that they're not on their home turf. Being introduced to these characters before they've reached their full levels of badass is weird - there is a reason why prequels generally happen after the main stuff, because they count on the love you have for these characters at their full potential to make you interested in their story when they were less badass and interesting. So I had several moments where I was like 'oh this feels wrong'. Tbh the idea that they would even volunteer to kidnap Alina in the first place, what with Inej's backstory, feels kind of wrong, esp since they had no idea of what would happen to her if they succeeded.

- But I still enjoyed a lot of it though, especially the fact that they were this force of chaos in the midst of this bigger narrative that's a lot more self-serious. The bits with the train, or the circus acts were very clever. A lot of the best moments in the show happen when they come to disturb the other plot in unexpected ways. I'm still dead over the whole 'Alina jumps into their carriage' scene, that was fucking gold. The team up at the end !!!! Alina and Kaz making a deal ! Inej stabbing the Darkling !!!! Them stealing the Darkling's carriage !!! They don't give a shit that the story is supposed to be super dramatic it's great.

- Jesper is the one character they completely nailed from start to finish and he's probably my favorite part of the whole show. He's very funny without being reduced to the role of comic relief ; he's just so! damn! cool!!!!!!! I honestly feel this is a thing they actually did even better than in the books, or at least Six of Crows where I felt Jasper kind of disappeared behind Kaz and they insist a lot on his flaws and issues. So before we dig more into those problems I love that they gave him time to be this ultra badass who saves the day several times ; while at the same time, hinting at further developments like his powers or his gambling issues. Kit Young is just perfect, confident without being arrogant, a bit cold when it comes to crime while at the same time being so obviously caring with Inej - I loved their friendship, that was so sweet. My main criticism is that they should have made it clearer he was bi because there are already people calling him gay and that's very annoying. I know some people had a problem with his hookup and like...I can see it's a bit of a cliché...the charming badass bisexual adventurer....it's a trope I kind of love though lmao and the scene itself felt kind of cute and fun. He's not the only person who is shown to have an active sexuality and he's also not the only queer person around and we know he's going to have a more substantial romantic arc later so eh. On a larger note I loved the little casual hints of completely normalized queerness - Nadia thirsting over Zoya, Fedyor and Ivan, Poppy, etc. Having grown up with fantasy where queerness was either completely erased or very tormented and problematic, this was refreshing as hell.

- Inej and Kaz...my faves... They have a kind of relationship which feels so rare and unique in terms of what exists on TV and while I don't feel they entirely replicated it, the core is still there - the mutual respect and building of trust, the longing, the repression, the trauma, etc. One thing I really like is their arc around faith - in the books, Kaz is dismissive of Inej's faith in ways that often feel really shitty and I like that he learns to be more respectful of it. It's very much linked to hope/survival ; Inej keeps this token from her parents and she hopes to find them again ; Kaz tells her it's no use and she'll survive better if she gives up. He believes Alina is a fake, while Inej wants to believe that myths can come true and there is hope for good things in the world. Kaz comes to accept that Alina is the real deal and, out of respect for Inej's faith, to stop pursuing her. I loved the bit about Inej struggling to kill as well - it's the dilemma of what her survival and that of the people she really cares about are worth in such a shitty world - her compassion is a good part of her but so is her survival instinct, and that's the part Kaz represents - that even after she's been through hell, broken in unfathomable ways, even if she gave up all hope and faith in the world, even she becomes dangerous and ruthless to survive, she will still deserve dignity, and to be treated better. And meanwhile she is willing to break her principles, which she holds so dearly, to save him, when he's never had anyone who cared for him like that - enough to keep him alive. That bit in the church !!!!! God !!!!!! Bye !!!!!!! And then him basically calling her his own version of a Saint, that he doesn't believe in miracles but he does believe in her !!! It's very emblematic of their whole arc ; he empowers her to survive in a ruthless world and loves her at her most dangerous ; but he loves her laugh too, he finds her a ship and her parents, he honors her capacity for love and hope even when he can't share it. And she sees that he's capable of doing better, that he's worth caring for. This whole thing kills me honestly and I can't wait to see where they take this next. I'm not mad they're a bit more soft and obvious than in the books, Kaz would just have come across as an an asshole otherwise.

- That said, there are bits of how they introduced their backstories I don't like. I get that making it so Inej was still tied to the Menagerie gave them a very powerful reason to want to kidnap Alina beyond greed so that they wouldn't look like very shitty people. But in the books Inej is terrified by the idea of simply seeing Heleen or the Menagerie and the way they have her interact with her feels weirdly casual and dismissive of her trauma. Also, in the books, the fact that Kaz had to convince Per Haskell to buy Inej's contract through a lot of effort, that he wasn't the one holding that above her head either, made the power dynamics more palatable. I especially disliked the scene where Kaz says he won't free other girls because just Inej is special, it makes him look like he has the power but he's just too much of a callous asshole to do it, and that he just freed Inej because he liked her which is absolutely not what their relationship is about at the start, it's a lot more about seeing Inej's dangerous side behind a facade of powerlessness and relating to her, in a sense, and this scene made it all feel cheap.

- Also, what was that about Inej having a brother ? Not a fan of that either. I'm afraid they're going to make her story all about finding what happened to him, and that's 1) too on the nose similar to Kaz's story and 2) it kind of cheapens her own arc, a female character realizing that what was done to her was wrong, reclaiming her own power and dignity and then making sure it doesn't happen to anybody else, harnessing her personal experience to save strangers, that's so powerful - making it about a family member at first, especially if it's about revenge, it's so much more simplistic and unoriginal and the perspective really annoys me.

- Also not a fan of Per Haskell not being there because he's a very important part of Kaz's evolution, so I hope he shows up eventually - and the way they introduced Pekka Rollins was kind of like...weird and out of place. I just found the Crows' introduction scenes stilted and not as cool as they should have been - well, Jesper and Inej were very cool, but we needed to see Kaz in action first, we needed to see why he's such a menace before we see him flounder later, and I just...I don't know exactly but it didn't work for me. Also this is a very petty thing but I wasn't crazy about the Ketterdam sets, I know this is probably a budget thing but in my head it looked like this incredible mix of Amsterdam and Venice - specific locations in the book directly remind me of parts of Amsterdam I know very well - and instead what we got felt like this very generic London-ish fantasy setting....so boring. Also a lot of scenes that felt to exposition-y. I don't mind that Kaz was a bit softer than in the books, like many people have said some things work in books and don't work on a screen, and you need to make the character's inner dynamics more explicit. But I do agree that, at the same time, he should have been more ruthless towards people outside of his group. Loved that scene where he faces the Inferni though, and how well they illustrated his disability and aversion to touch.

- I don't have that much to say about Nina and Matthias ; I'm still not super sold on the whole 'haha misogyny!' thing and I dislike that so much of Matthias' change of heart relies on the fact that he finds Nina hot. But I did think that the actors had enough chemistry to make their scenes together interesting and cute ; I loved the waffle scene. Even though it's disappointing that they didn't find an actress who was more clearly plus size for Nina, I still think Danielle does a good job bringing her bold, unapologetic energy. I'm really looking forward to seeing the Crows as a whole team.

So yeah, even though the season didn't feel like a perfect, coherent whole, it was just a lot of fun and I really hope they get renewed. In particular I feel like tying the first trilogy to the Crows' story could create such interesting parallels in terms of themes, about power, the cost of survival, hope, trauma, etc etc

#shadow and bone #shadow and bone netflix #grishaverse #six of crows #leigh bardugo

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sparrowmoth · 4 years ago

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whenever i read a jaylos/ot4 thing on ao3,,, im always linked to you, or bunny-lou. i liked the recent fic btw, the part with jay almost looking embarrassed was accurate imo

Aww, thank you so much! I juuuust saw your latest comment on AO3. I really appreciate it! You’re very sweet. I’m so glad you’re enjoying my stories. That means a lot to hear! ♥

@bunny-lou absolutelyyy writes god-tier OT4 and Jaylos content! You have good taste! Everything Bunny writes is perfection. I’m in love with literally every word I’ve read. ♥

I don’t know how much you’ve dug around the fandom archives, so maybe you’re already familiar with these other lovely writers, but juuust in case you’re not, I’ll take this opportunity to recommend some gems (off the top of my head) if you’re in the market for more Rotten OT4 and/or Jaylos:

The Wedding Date by @telli1206 is one of my favourite stories in this fandom! Telli’s Jaylos content is utterly divine. The relationship build-up is so, soooo good, I’m obsessed. I’ve read every chapter like five times jkdjkljsaklgdsa. I’d also recommend Cat Scratch Fever (Beelzebub fic!!) and You’re So Fine, You Blow My Mind (Cheerleader!Carlos cuteness) andddd The Only Time I Feel Alive Is When I Find Something I Would Die For (AU with Evie and Mal as Carlos and Jay’s younger siblings, respectively, and it’s so fucking cuuute, ugh). Just literally anything involving Jaylos under Telli’s username is amazing. ♥

Recently on the scene with some high quality Rotten OT4 content (and more to come!) is @hoodpane with Good Days, which is gonna be a super long fic, so lots to look forward to! The three chapters that are currently out have been wonderful reads and I’m really looking forward to her upcoming Jaylos oneshots, too! (More about those on her Tumblr.) ♥

For OT4 content (with some beautiful Jaylos in the mix), I have to recommend @fuck-you-i-am-spiderman (KittyKarnstein96 on AO3)’s The Origin of ‘Baby Dragon’ (some really soft OT4 smut in this one!) and Who needs a crown, when you can wear a helmet? (tourney!Mal-centric OT4) as well as Lost in Lace (Evie-centric OT4).

Also by @fuck-you-i-am-spiderman, there’s some utterly GLORIOUS Jaylos in her fic, Get in Losers, We’re Going Roadtripping (chapter 2 is my FAVE so far, but the whole fic thus far has been ADORABLE and so, so soft, it melts my heart). ♥

For even MORE excellent OT4 content, I must point you toward @inertiazz (recently moved from @eahateblog, so some fic stuff will link to the old blog). I’m obsessed with Fairytales for Children with No Souls, so I MUST recommend that first and foremost. It’s a gorgeous poetic series that is beautifullyyyy word-smithed. @inertiazz also has this amazing Urban Fantasy AU that he’s talked about across various posts and it’s just so damn good, I’d honestly recommend a deep dive through his blog for all the excellence.

An absolute legend in the fandom for Jaylos content is @unapologeticallyjaylos and I’d recommend literally anything under her AO3, but I’m especially in love with Sound of Silence. It’s such a unique Jaylos story and it’s utterly amazing all the way from start to finish. Highly recommend!

And finally, though Jaylos isn’t the usual focus (as you might guess from the username), I’d be remiss not to include @bloodshotmalvie‘s you’re so annoying (but you’re everything i want). It’s the cutest fucking werewolf!Carlos fic to ever exist and it’s literally one of my favourite things to exist in general, SO. ;)

Yup yup yup this just became a spontaneous rec list, what can I say... haha.

Anyway, thank you so much for dropping in! Made me smile. Happy reading! ♥

#descendants #rotten OT4 #jaylos #descendants fanfiction #the ask box #descendants fandom #bunny-lou #telli1206 #fuck-you-i-am-spiderman #hoodpane #inertiazz #eahateblog #unapologeticallyjaylos #bloodshotmalvie #I really really hope I'm not forgetting anyone #if I did you have permission to smack me with a pillow #:')

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welllpthisishappening · 4 years ago

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Welllp These Are Books: the January 2021 Edition

Tumblr’s gif search leaves a lot to be desired, so there’s no actual gif of her slamming the book shut, which is—y’know, disappointing. Still, the continued ability of the public library system to send books to my Kindle ensures that I continue to read every romantic comedy and fantasy story I can find. Of which I have plenty of thoughts and opinions. But, like, what’s the point of having thoughts and opinions if you’re not putting them on the internet? There isn’t one, obviously. Books and links and feelings and more ridiculous headlines all under the cut.

BEST BOOK AWARD WINNER OF A VERY WEIRD JANUARY THAT HELPED DISTRACT FROM A VERY WEIRD JANUARY

The Wrath & the Dawn by Renee Ahdieh Every dawn brings horror to a different family in a land ruled by a killer. Khalid, the eighteen-year-old Caliph of Khorasan, takes a new bride each night only to have her executed at sunrise. So it is a suspicious surprise when sixteen-year-old Shahrzad volunteers to marry Khalid. But she does so with a clever plan to stay alive and exact revenge on the Caliph for the murder of her best friend and countless other girls. Shazi’s wit and will, indeed, get her through to the dawn that no others have seen, but with a catch . . . she’s falling in love with the very boy who killed her dearest friend. She discovers that the murderous boy-king is not all that he seems and neither are the deaths of so many girls. Shazi is determined to uncover the reason for the murders and to break the cycle once and for all.

This was so good?!?! I finished the first book and them immediately started the sequel, like no break whatsoever?!! I wish they weren’t teenagers?!! But seriously I wish they hadn’t been teenagers. Like, I get it. It’s YA. That probably sells better, something about markets that I don’t understand. I don’t care. It was weird that they were teenagers. Also, some of the plot points just kind of...happened? And I’m not entirely sure they were ever resolved. (Although there are a bunch of short stories, so. Maybe I just haven’t gotten there yet.) Despite that, the writing was gorgeous, I remain as prone to swooning over sad boys patent pending as I was when I was sixteen and Shahrzad was a fantastic heroine. Nine out of ten (would have been ten if they weren’t teenagers) and have already put holds on other books Ahdieh has written.

OBLIGATORY RAGE-INDUCING ROM-COM

Head Over Heads by Hannah Orenstein The past seven years have been hard on Avery Abrams: After training her entire life to make the Olympic gymnastics team, a disastrous performance ended her athletic career for good. Her best friend and teammate, Jasmine, went on to become an Olympic champion, then committed the ultimate betrayal by marrying their emotionally abusive coach, Dimitri. Now, reeling from a breakup with her football star boyfriend, Avery returns to her Massachusetts hometown, where new coach Ryan asks her to help him train a promising young gymnast with Olympic aspirations. Despite her misgivings and worries about the memories it will evoke, Avery agrees. Back in the gym, she's surprised to find sparks flying with Ryan. But when a shocking scandal in the gymnastics world breaks, it has shattering effects not only for the sport but also for Avery and her old friend Jasmine.

I stopped reading it. Honestly. I got, like, 46% of the way through, kept complaining to Justin about how goddamn annoying Avery was and how no one had any personality and I wanted them all to fall off the beam and he was like—stop reading it, then? And I was like—I can do that? And then I did! Also, I understand it needed conflict, but the “shocking scandal” in the description is a sexual assault that was not only NOT my cup of tea, but felt like a massive attempt to be topical by using what happened at Michigan State without actually saying it was about Michigan state.

PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW SPORTS WRITE SPORTS AND DO IT OK

Evvie Drake Starts Over by Linda Holmes In a sleepy seaside town in Maine, recently widowed Eveleth “Evvie” Drake rarely leaves her large, painfully empty house nearly a year after her husband’s death in a car crash. Everyone in town, even her best friend, Andy, thinks grief keeps her locked inside, and Evvie doesn’t correct them. Meanwhile, in New York City, Dean Tenney, former Major League pitcher and Andy’s childhood best friend, is wrestling with what miserable athletes living out their worst nightmares call the “yips”: he can’t throw straight anymore, and, even worse, he can’t figure out why. As the media storm heats up, an invitation from Andy to stay in Maine seems like the perfect chance to hit the reset button on Dean’s future. When he moves into an apartment at the back of Evvie’s house, the two make a deal: Dean won’t ask about Evvie’s late husband, and Evvie won’t ask about Dean’s baseball career. Rules, though, have a funny way of being broken—and what starts as an unexpected friendship soon turns into something more. To move forward, Evvie and Dean will have to reckon with their pasts—the friendships they’ve damaged, the secrets they’ve kept—but in life, as in baseball, there’s always a chance—up until the last out.

I am admittedly a sports snob. Writing about sports is my thing and I’m super particular about reading about it. But this sounded good and for the most part it was good. Emotional, too. Like, “jeepers, that was intense” kind of emotional. But also some of the things Dean talked about were just...not how sports work and that drives me nuts. Also another story that was, as mentioned, super emotional only to get tied up in this nice little bow. Which, cool, but also...not? Just felt rushed at the end.

IN WHICH SHIPPING IS QUESTIONED AND I JUST LIKE BEN BARNES

Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo Soldier. Summoner. Saint. Orphaned and expendable, Alina Starkov is a soldier who knows she may not survive her first trek across the Shadow Fold—a swath of unnatural darkness crawling with monsters. But when her regiment is attacked, Alina unleashes dormant magic not even she knew she possessed. Now Alina will enter a lavish world of royalty and intrigue as she trains with the Grisha, her country's magical military elite—and falls under the spell of their notorious leader, the Darkling. He believes Alina can summon a force capable of destroying the Shadow Fold and reuniting their war-ravaged country, but only if she can master her untamed gift.As the threat to the kingdom mounts and Alina unlocks the secrets of her past, she will make a dangerous discovery that could threaten all she loves and the very future of a nation. Welcome to Ravka . . . a world of science and superstition where nothing is what it seems.

I wanted to like this so much. So, so much. And sometimes I did. Sometimes I did not. At all. World building is my weakness and this has got it in spades, but the characters are kind of—boring? I couldn’t really bring myself to care about Alina and I wanted to kick Mal in the shins sometimes. The only interesting one was The Darkling who’s like the embodiment of all evil and I am not here to ship-shame anyone, but it’s kinda weird to ship him and Alina. I pictured Ben Barnes the entire time. I’m still excited for the show. I’ll read the sequel at some point, probably.

BEING A JERK IS NOT ROMANCE, YOU’RE JUST A JERK

Would Like to Meet by Rachel Winters It's Evie Summers's job to find out. Because if she can't convince her film agency's biggest client, Ezra Chester, to write the romantic-comedy screenplay he owes producers, her career will be over. The catch? Arrogant Ezra thinks rom-coms are unrealistic—and he'll only put pen to paper if Evie proves to him that it's possible to meet a man in real life the way it happens on the big screen. Cynical Evie might not believe in happily ever after, but she'll do what it takes to save the job that's been her lifeline . . . even if it means reenacting iconic rom-com scenes in public. Spilling orange juice on a cute stranger? No problem. Leaving her number in books all over London to see who calls? Done. With a little help from her well-meaning friends and the adorable father-daughter duo who keep witnessing her humiliations, Evie is determined to show Ezra she can meet a man the way Sally met Harry. But can a workaholic who's given up on love find a meet-cute of her very own?

I love cliches. Love ‘em. Want to read about ‘em, want to write about ‘em. Here for happily ever after. Much less here for the overused and antiquated cliche of dude doesn’t believe in love like girl does, dude ridicules girl’s belief, dude was secretly in love with her the whole time. It’s super dumb. And we should stop writing it. Also really done with rom com girl can’t figure out her life! she’s overworked! she doesn’t have time for her friends! Super duper dumb. I don’t know guys, this book happened.

FAST-PACED ROMANCE ISN’T AS WEIRD WHEN IT’S WELL WRITTEN AND THERE’S A MOOSE INVOLVED

The Tourist Attraction by Sarah Morgenthaler He had a strict "no tourists" policy...until she broke all of his rules. When Graham Barnett named his diner The Tourist Trap, he meant it as a joke. Now he's stuck slinging reindeer dogs to an endless parade of resort visitors who couldn't interest him less. Not even the sweet, enthusiastic tourist in the corner who blushes every time he looks her way...

Two weeks in Alaska isn't just the top item on Zoey Caldwell's bucket list. It's the whole bucket. One look at the mountain town of Moose Springs and she's smitten. But when an act of kindness brings Zoey into Graham's world, she may just find there's more to the grumpy local than meets the eye...and more to love in Moose Springs than just the Alaskan wilderness.

This story of Alaska marries together all the things you didn't realize you needed: a whirlwind vacation, a friendly moose, a grumpy diner owner, a quirky tourist, plenty of restaurant humor, and a happy ending that'll take you away from it all.

I’m not one for slow burn, but I also have a hard time believing romances that happen in, like, a blink. Not the case here! It was so goddamn cute! There was a moose! Graham kept calling Zoey darlin’ and it made my heart try to explode in my chest! Stars Hollow-levels of small town with lots of side characters and a good plot and a restaurant that everyone always went to! You guys know I’m trash for everyone always going to hang out in the same restaurant! I’m reading the sequel now, so that’s how much I enjoyed it.

AMAZON BOOKS THAT CONTINUE TO BE WAY BETTER THAN THEY SHOULD BE

Elodie of the Sea by Shari L. Tapscott (part of the Eldentimber Series) Eight years have passed since the marriage tournament that decided the fate of Princess Pippa of Lauramore and strengthened alliances between the kingdoms of Elden. The competitors have moved on with their lives. Some have found adventure; some have found love. Prince Bran of Triblue, however, has put his life on hold, preparing for his father's crown. Two days before Bran's winter coronation, just when the prince cannot afford distractions, a girl washes onto the Triblue shore. She has no memory of her past life, no clue who she is or where she belongs—nothing but a ring on her finger and a peculiar marking on her cheek. And the newly crowned king has more than a mysterious girl to worry about. The sea has become unpredictable. Storms claim ships in the dead of night, and sailors return with horrifying stories of monsters from the deep. It soon becomes clear the girl and the bizarre events are connected. The girl came from the sea... and the sea wants her back. But Bran isn't willing to give her or his kingdom up without a fight, even if it means he must request help from every corner of Elden.

Listen, sometimes you have to read about a mermaid who lost her memory and the soon-to-be-king who’s, like, immediately in love with her. I mentioned Tapscott’s books in the 2020 post and the sentiment remains the same. You ever read a book that reads like fic? Lots of banter, some romance, steady pacing. That’s what her books are like. There are five in the Eldentimber series, all about a different princess in a different kingdom, but they all connect so characters pop up again and again and then they kiss. It’s real good.

#book reviews #the wrath and the dawn #laura reads books #i'm making my way through some of the recs you guys sent last time around too #but don't hesitate to send more #seriously i am down to read anything #welllp these are books

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cartoonfangirl1218 · 3 years ago

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Winner’s Curse: Epilogue

Note: Wooo boy, it’s over. Now I know not many people may have read this, it may not have the best editing and some parts are a bit vague and not the best. In fact I’ll probably revise some parts at a later date or if I ever decide to post on A03, but I am still super proud of it. I think I did some great character parts and there are some sections that I’m just super proud of. I’m also happy that I actually finished it. It’s my longest fic to date and I actually completed it! 30 chapters. Well 32 if you include the prologue and epilogue. So cool! Plus I wrote what I really wanted, which I’ll admit was not the plot. The plot was a bit wonky and maybe I had too many characters that I didn’t juggle well and didn’t give them all equal exploration. Also action scenes were hard for me to write so those were not the best. But still- getting to explore these characters and their relationships and include several of my favorite Disney characters. Very fun. Also thanks to @edream93 for encouraging me when this was just a little idea, looking over some sections and offering advice and for overall being an amazing person. Check out her WLTF and other descendants fics like London Fog Nightcaps. And for the final time, hope y’all enjoy reading.

Flash forward to summer break in Agrabah

Jordan stretched, cracking her back after sitting hunched at her desk for the past hour editing her latest video How to Date a Djinn Episode 3. She had finally convinced the tech-averse Calix to join her in making satire videos of all the most terrible dates she had been on. Initially, she had planned for it to be a serious thing where she reminded her viewers of genie autonomy and the idea they had feelings behind their wishing powers, but Calix was never good at playing emotional PSAs.

Besides it was more fun that way to spoof how terrible, and sometimes ridiculous her romantic suitors were. Plus the hilarity kept her from thinking too much about the bitterness of the memories.

She cracked her neck and poofed outside to Aziz’s room where her lamp laid on its usual perch. Outside she could hear the thump of running feet and the screech of confused peacocks.

“Malik! No riding the peacocks!” A servant shouted

“Yes, riding peacocks!”

“No, Noor, Fahran, that’s not allowed. Get off of them!”

Jordan shook her head in amusement at the kids' antics.

Noor and Fahran were having a blast hanging out with their new “little” brother as they called the 5 year old. Though they were family in a way. Jade was the half sister to Aladdin’s half brother, Mozonroth. And Malik was their nephew. Even though the family tree was a bit tangled and confusing to visualize in your head.

And where Jade and Malik were concerned, Jay was also included as Aladdin had originally planned in inviting the former thief to Agrabah so they could get to know each other, and Jay, to get in touch with the more savory side of his heritage. Jay and Aladdin had especially hit off as they compared lives on the streets and bragged about some of their more daring heists so any concern of whether the Jafar connection would sour things was gone. All together, Jay, Jade and Malik were new, though unofficial members of the family. Aladdin, and Jasmine decided to hold off any official adoption in respect to Jay and Jade’s feelings.

Though, having three new members meant triple the chaos, the running in the halls and inevitable breaking of antique objects. It was still triple the fun.

Razoul, predictably, despised the decision. But hey, he wasn’t the sultan.

Jordan peeked out to the hall, no sign of peacock racing or frazzled servants anywhere. Since she’d been inside so long she decided to go outside to the backyard.

Passing the living room, she saw Jay playing some sort of Wii-fit game against Carlos, Lonnie and Gil whose scores were also reflected on the screen even as they played millions of miles away in their own living rooms. Jordan checked the time, ah it was 2’o clock on the doubt. Jay always called his friends at this time since it was when the time zones converged suitably for all of them to chat.

Jade was lounging on the couch, facetiming her girlfriend, Yzla. Jordan waved, and Jade waved in return, focusing mainly on their conversation which involved some llama prank with Empress Malina. Yzla was staying with Emperor Kuzco and his family. A arrangement Kuzco had initially been against but his wife and son overruled him. Which was for the best because apparently Yzla and him were hitting it off like two peas in a pod, scaring Malina, by tricking her into thinking Kuzco had changed into a llama again.

Huh, that reminded her, she hadn’t checked social media in a few hours. So she scrolled through, looking at Ben’s new post that there was to be a new class in the fall. Magic 101 with Flora, Fauna and Merrywhether and many surprise guest lecturers.

The Magic 101 class had been one of Uma’s many ideas for the new and improved Auradon. She told Ben of Alexandria’s reasoning for the revolt, explaining that the pressure for magic creatures to deny their magic was a strong reason for resentment, and most importantly, unfair. And Ben, who had been present at several meetings where mermaids, fairies and others stated their petitions of complaints, agreed. King Ben had removed the magic ban and decided to institute the Magic 101 class. Contrary to the name, the class wasn’t for magical beings, they already knew how to deal with their powers and not use them to affect others or supposedly cheat at life. The class was a requirement for Auradonians to learn about their fellow beings, how it was a vital part of them and the greater natural world.

Ben had actually suggested that she’d be the magical liaison and teacher assistant for the new Magic 101 classes but she had politely declined. She did accept going as a demonstrator whenever it was time for her Dad’s guest lecture.

But a fulltime TA? It sounded like too much work, her powers were not applicable to the greater magical population, and most importantly, she really wanted to get back to doing her auratube show. Especially now that she was bound to have so many new subscribers thanks to her newfound fame for helping to defeat the Coven.

Jordan had considered doing a series about the Isle mission against the Coven in order to get the story straight and not create too wild legends regarding their month and a half there. And okay, there was also the fact that she wanted to renew her hits after losing subscribers after not posting for a month.

But she ultimately decided not to. It was their mission, only they’d get what happened in that wild untamed place of evil and poverty. Besides, it was very personal and she didn’t want to have to go into her fights with Aziz and Jay on Auratube. Or her encounter with Antiquam.

No she’d rather not think about the latter for a very long time.

Dismissing those thoughts she scrolled through several more posted announcements like the newly formed Minority Kingdom Council made up of representatives from Atlantis, Atlantica, Arrendelle, Kuzcoropia, and Pydrian, who were overrun by environmental and tourism concerns as Alexandria brought up. There was also a new class of Vks that were coming in. Basically the teen population of the Isle.

The orphans and kids from the Isle were sent to boarding elementary schools around Auradon as well as foster care with professional trained therapists for the abused youngsters.

Ben’s decision to bring the whole teen population in had been a controversial one. But he had stood by it, stating that he was taking the advice of his people, the ones from his generation who were to make up the future generation and a schoolwide vote had agreed that the Vks should be let in.

Granted it had taken a two month lobbying campaign led by Mal and Evie with Lonnie, Carlos, Jane and Jay’s help. But they did, they persuaded lots of royal kids that it was better to bring Vks over. It also helped that Mal, Jay, Evie, Carlos and Uma had been pronounced Auradon’s saviors thrice in a row so…

Though it wouldn’t be until August that all the Vks, with a few exceptions like the resolutely bad CJ Hook and Prince Lars, and Antiquam, would be able to get to Auradon. But they would, Uma was making sure of it. Even Zevon and Ginny were coming despite their actions in proudly helping the Coven, Ben believed they just needed to be removed from the negative influences of their mothers.

Some Vks had already come over like Carlos’ cousin. Diego had refused to enter the VK program through school, but through the work progrm. Now he and his band, Rotten Apples, could introduce Isle grunge rock to Auradon’s farmer populations and inspire them to use music to express themselves. Carlos informed them that Diego wasn’t too into that inspiration and empowerment stuff, but he was loving the popularity. And he often crashed to the Radcliff house to catch up with Carlos and get a break from his adoring fans.

Harriet Hook, also in the work program, was working in Neverland, serving as guard for docks and a pretty mean one too, Jordan heard. Any tourist that tried to sneak

Not that everyone was residing in the homes of their parents’ enemies. Celia Facilier was living with her sister Freddie, and Freddie’s girlfriend, Ally at the Mad for Tea Shop. Also as a student by day and helping her sister as the evening entertainment at night. Singing only. FG was still wary of introducing such sketchy magic as card readings. Celia did choose to be a TA to her sister’s class, Goodness 101. Freddie was taking over for FG to make it a revamped, less patronizing seminar of how to act in Auradon with Ally popping in for politeness lessons and Carlos with therapy dogs. Though FG still stayed in the room to supervise and make sure the class stayed on track and not turn into “Everything that’s wrong about sappy sweet Auradon.”

Dizzy was reunited with her mother, her aunt Anastasia, her uncle, the Baker and Anthony Tremine and they lived in the faculty building of Auradon Prep. Easy for Anthony and Dizzy to get to school and for the Baker to go to his new job as school cook.

His baguettes were to die for, so flaky and crispy. Even Chad reluctantly agreed to their goodness when she interviewed him for student reactions to the new cook. Anastasia and Drizella were the new cosmeticians in training at the school’s day spa even though the two still argued over what was a better color and such.

Also working in Auradon’s kitchen were Gil, and Cosette’s mothers who had taken in their other’s sister’s sons, Gaston Jr, Gaston the Third and Gaston (IV) the Great. Their mother had been deemed just as abusive as Gaston and was to stay on the Isle with him. Gil had been nervous about living with his brothers again but he had Cosette by his side and Harry and Uma just a street away. Harry was just as fiercely loyal as ever to his crew and to Uma, who he’d wait for outside of Ben’s office, waiting for their meetings to end.

Gil also had Jay on his side. And though Jordan had absolutely no proof, she just felt something between them, and she was planning to use this summer to sniff out just what it was.

It had been more controversial to bring back some adult villains like Anastasia and Circe, but Ben had explained that he was not in the business of tearing families apart and adults were able to change too. Smee, for instance, wanted to retire from swabbing desks and wanted his second act in life to follow his lifelong dream. Be a clockmaker, ironically enough considering his boss’ fear of the ticking. Same with other low level henchmen like Jace and Harry, and Hun soldiers that had been following the battle orders and propaganda Shan Yu had fed them.

Ben had promised not all adults would come over, especially not ones that had abused their children, and that he, Mal and Uma were designing a careful vetting process for this program.

As for the Auradonian bred villains. Morgana and Morgaine hadn’t stayed in the dungeon for long. One day the guards had come down to give their food and they were just gone. No one knew where they went and no magic had been able to locate them. Merlin said it was no use trying. The Le Feys were tricky and wouldn’t reappear again unless they wanted to.

Kyro, Victoria and Alexandria were in therapy now in a new building away from the dorms and those who would shun them for their actions like the media that had reviled them when the news leaked out. It was a bit of a depressing building Jordan thought since one could see it if they leaned far out their windows. The outside of it looked like an insane asylum but Evie enthused about how open- aired and peaceful it was inside. The point of it was to clear the outside world, and focus on healing. What’s more, since Uma learned of FG’s somewhat oblivious and condescending advice from Alexandria, they hired a new counselor. A Dr. Mickey Mouse.

So yeah, things seemed to wrapping out into a happily ever after for all.

Jordan walked into a door, rubbing her head of the bruise and cursing herself for not looking up. Tucking the phone in her pocket, she was about to open the door when Aziz opened it for her, heading inside from hanging out on the hammock.

He didn’t even look at her as he entered, he was busy chatting on the phone with who else, his new girlfriend.

Aziz had stayed true to his word that he and Lala were just friends, and remained just friends for three months. It had irritated Jordan to no end to watch them sneak discreet looks, study together since Lala only knew the Atlantean alphabet and not the English, and dance around their feelings as if the obvious wasn’t there. And it took all her self control to honor her vow to not meddle and send a flying carpet in to speed things up.

At least Aziz did not shut her out completely and still went to her advice for what to do when he asked her to be his girlfriend.

“What if she says no? Or doesn’t know what that is. Jay did say it was only gang activity. Or maybe she’ll just say no because she thinks she’ll go crazy like her mom. But I really want her to say yes. Oh Allah, what if I mess it up instead by acting like an idiot. Or she already thinks that. I walked into a wall yesterday.”

“Aziz, she likes you,” Jordan reassured him, “I’ve seen the way she looks at you. Like a leopard with dinner, she totally wants to eat you. In a sexy, hungry with desire way. Not cannibal way. And really, walking into a wall? That’s not a dealbreaker or even embarrassing. If you want to talk about embarrassing, nothing can top the time you popped in front of that yoga instructor you were trying to impress.” “I had food poisoning from the oysters!” Aziz yelled indiginantly.

“Doesn’t change the fact that you shitted during downward dog,” Jordan smirked at Aziz’s flustered angry face, “Nor was it like that time when you tried to impress Anxlin with a butterfly knife and ended up-”

“Will you stop bringing up the past?” Jordan decided to change tactics and be the serious, comforting big sister that he wanted, “Just speak from the heart. You’re on the same page with so many things, and you talk so much. Sooo much, it’s kinda annoying. Especially when you’re yapping in my room when I’m trying to watch a movie. But anyway, I think when the time comes your heart will guide you to say the right thing. And if not… your lips can speak for you.”

So with that fabulous advice if Jordan said so herself, on the last day of school, before they went their separate ways for vacation. Aziz went to her room and asked her.

And while she said she wouldn’t meddle, Jordan totally turned into a bee to go through the keyhole and eavesdrop on their conversation. For moral support. Just Aziz didn’t know about it.

It was endearingly awkward as Aziz stammered through some rambling monologue of how he liked her a lot, and only if she was okay with it, but he really thought they had something so woud she maybe consider being his girlfriend.

Aziz should probably have gotten some lessons from Jay on the art of smooth, but Lala seemed to get it. “So if we’re in a relationship we do what we do now… but with kissing?” she clarified.

“Yes!” Aziz agreed eagerly, then tried to dial down his excitement, “I mean sure, if you want.”

“I would really like that,” Lala bit her lip nervously but her expression was hopefully as Aziz leaned in.

Their kiss was short, two seconds at the most. Jordan would have given it a three out of five. It was unsure and the two seemed to be surprised they even did it. But it was clear from the look in their eyes, that they only saw each other and the rest of the world was already fading away for them, that that small kiss was perfect to them.

So they kissed again. Much more purposefully this time. Oh Allah, Jordan was so proud when Aziz added some passion and slipped tongue first. He was really growing up.

And they kissed again, and again and soon they were making out on Lala’s bed, which was starting to get kinda gross and Jordan was feeling weird about watching them. So she took that as her cue to leave.

But now she had plenty of new things to annoy Aziz about so she took it as a plus.

Grabbing him by the arm to stop, Jordan grabbed his camera.

“Hi, Lala, how are you?” Jordan waved, mugging for the camera as Aziz grabbed it back, and tried to push her out of the frame. The white-haired girl was dressed up in Evie’s new line of summer clothes with her hair up in a bun, and most startingly, her brown eyes were human.

It was silly that Jordan was surprised by Lala’s human eyes, she had been the one to change them when in a burst of good will offered all their allies on the adventure a wish. Lala hadn’t used the offered three wishes, just one, which was to remove the leopard spell Queen La had put on her. She lost her cat eyes and the habit of walking on all fours, but she still had her cat-like grace which Jordan chalked up to natural ability. It had been three months since that wish, but she had been so used to Lala’s cat-like slits with the dilated pupils. It had been a unique marker like the scar that everyone could see on Lala’s leg when she wore shorts.

“I’m well. Aziz sent me your new vlog about Odiferous, it was very interesting.” Lala nodded curtly. Jordan knew Lala was usually guarded against everyone so the coldness didn’t bother her as much as it used to. Thanks to hanging out with Aziz and Jade, she was starting to slowly warm up to people she wasn’t close to even though her tone didn’t reflect it.

“How are the Porters?” Jordan asked, cutting off whatever Aziz was about to say next. He glared at her, but she ignored. Hey, she said she’d stop mothering him. So now it was back to annoying big sister privileges.

“They’re well. Kerchak and I are going tree surfing tomorrow.” Lala answered. When Ben put up the invitation of Vks in need of foster homes or adoptive families, the Porters offered to take in Clay Clayton, and Lala. Clay refused and went with his Aunt, Lady Waltham who was thrilled to meet her surly nephew for the first time. Lala joined the Porters where she was helping their gorilla reserve, connecting with animals instead of hunting them for food and survival.

It was bound to be awkward considering their daughter’s actions, but Auradon seemed to consider it part of their penance even though they hadn’t known what Victoria had planned to wrought. But according to Lala, they did their best to skirt around that sensitive issue and treat her like a guest, and she was starting to befriend Kerchak. He even gave her a leopard of her own which she named Euware II though the pet made Tarzan a bit wary. Still, Lala had to stay in her room on weekends when Victoria visited from therapy.

“That’s great. When are you coming to visit? I know Jade is just dying for you to visit. It’d be fun. We can go sand surfing, oh and explore some of the caves under the citadel. Oh, oh and I just know Aziz wants to show you some of the secret alcoves in the palace. They’re great for making out and-” “Go away!” Aziz waved her off

“You want me to leave? But who will chaperon you two? Who will tell Lala all the embarrassing stories from your childhood? I’ve been holding onto blackmail for a reason, Aziz. I must tell her,” Jordan turned to the screen, “But seriously, come visit. I’ll leave you to it.”

“Thank you!” Aziz sighed in exasperation, “Give me 5 minutes, I’ll join you to go to the bazaar later, Jord.”

“See ya!” Jordan called over the shoulder as she headed to the palace kitchen, still hearing some snippets of Aziz’s conversation about his summer psychology classes. His new passion since Jordan had suggested that since he liked overanalyzing and counselling other people's problems, he could research into being a psychologist.

Upon reaching the outside, Jordan took a big breath of the sweet summer air with a hint of jasmine and the coconut and sighed.

Life was good.

Of course, life was always good when it was summer vacation but it was more than that. She had really committed to what she had learned on the Isle. She lived in the present now, and tried not to wallow in the anger and resentment that extended to almost every human she met.

Did that kind of positive mindset always work? Hell no, sometimes, someone would grab her arm, requesting for a wish, rubbing her jacket as if that was the lamp and not her. Yeah, that stupid event would irritate her all morning but she didn’t go into her spiral of how all humans were greedy monsters, her life sucked that she had to walk among them and so on and so forth. She learned to vent to Aziz and let it go.

She would always meet bad people in her life, when that happened, if the situation was appropriate, she would blow a mini sandstorm in their face and move on.

She’d also gotten more sensitive about complaining about humanity in front of Aziz. She tried to complain of an individual person and not make broad generalizations about the mortal race, and repeat that Aziz and his family were the exception.

Well Aladdin’s family, and Uma, and Jay, and Lonnie, and Calix and Ben, and she was starting to realize her circle of those she trusted was expanding.

It felt good to have that knowledge.

Even if Aziz might not always be there, though she’d kill him if he wasn’t, she still had others who cared about her.

Then again, she, Calix, Aziz, Jay and Uma had been through a harrowing adventure that nearly destroyed the world they knew, and had to face their greatest fears and insecurities to do so. If that didn’t make you trust a person, what would?

There were also her parents. Her parents always had her back.

That was another thing she’d been committed to doing since she got back from the Isle and saved Auradon.

Her parents had been the first ones to get there, magical teleportation after all and were laying out the blue carpet and making plans for the greatest party in all of Agrabah for their daughter, the hero. Instead of getting annoyed by their zany antics as usual, and annoyed at how they ignored the fact she faced possibly life-ending danger against their enemies, she just hugged them.

The act had clearly surprised them because both of their jaws broke off and fell to the floor before snapping back up like a ball. But they loved the change in her nonetheless.

Ever since then, she’d been going out with them every other weekend, be it ice skating on Saturn’s rings or clubbing or going out to drink in celebration of the banning of the Magic Ban.

She had thought for so long that if she let herself act even a little bit like them, she’d be signing herself to a fate of servitude, never being taken seriously, and becoming a negligent oblivious person who only wanted to focus on fun.

She had worried that if these things didn’t come naturally to her, she’d have to fake it in order to fit in and be palatable to her own parents. So they wouldn’t become bored with her. She hadn’t liked thinking about it, but she always felt that was the underlying reason they left her.

But she lived in the present now and shoved all those thoughts away. She did what she wanted without thinking of the implications. And she found that actively listening to what they were saying, how they constantly suggested ideas for their next adventure, how it was too bad she had school and couldn’t come with them to their trip. They didn’t think she was a damper on their party style, they wanted her to be with them. And she usually said to each invitation.

YOLO, right. Well more like YOLFSMAWEI.

(You Only Live Forever So Might As Well Enjoy It. Not as catchy but infinitely more accurate)

Family time was a lot more enjoyable that way instead of brooding that once it was over, they were going to forget about her and go about their lives as if they didn’t have a daughter.

Although, Jordan still did crave for a meaningful talk where she got to tell them about some of her issues with their lack of parenting oversight, and maybe delve into how abandoned she felt when they wouldn’t discuss such issues like her rape, they still weren’t ready for that.

Though Aladdin was talking to her dad on her behalf, and it seemed he was starting to soften to it.

Until then, she had two sets of parents. Aladdin and Jasmine, probably the first humans who she trusted, and respected. The first ones who saw her as a child and not a being for wishes. They gave her the love and attention she had craved when she needed it. They stood by treating her like everyone else, as she wished, even when it meant disregarding her excuses that her genie-ness exempted her from getting in trouble. They were always present her lives and were the ones that reminded her that her supposed fate was not a fate, that no one could shackle her, not unless they went through them. They encouraged that there other sides to her besides being a genie. That she should work hard, be kind, be honest and be independent.

Her mom and dad, who loved her with all their hearts and thought of her as their best friend. It wasn’t the most parental relationship but she had started to accept that it would never be. They were genie parents, not human ones, and it was finally sinking in that the rules would always be different from them. No matter that Jordan looked human and was raised by them. But that’s what made them special. No one else in the world would get her quite like her mom and dad.

Aziz opened the door, knocking her in the back and she moved over so he could wait beside her.

She checked her phone. Her parents were supposed to come here five minutes ago so they culd go to the bazaar together.

They probably weren’t going to come for another twenty minutes.

Ah genies, Jordan sighed, they were never going to be punctual. She wondered how many years it would be before she started viewing time as an unimportant mortal construct.

She was about to pose that question to Aziz, whether it would occur in his lifetime or in her 5,000s when a green and blue poof popped up in front of them.

“We’re here!” The two blew the smoke away to reveal the pair in matching red and white striped tuxedos with a blinking “Genie and Eden” sign hanging behind them.

“It’s Genie and Eden!” Eden announced

“Eden and Genie!” Genie intoned.

Then with a snap of a finger, the props and costumes disappeared, and Genie sat thoughtfully in the air, “We can’t quite choose which sounds better.”

Eden went back to a form-fitting black leotard with a black bowler hat, smoking a cigar in her best Liza Minelli voice, “Whaddya think, daughter dear, whaddya think?”

“I think we should go to the bazaar and have the people decide which is better.” Jordan suggested, knowing that if they did it here, they wouldn’t leave.

“By george, she’s right!” Genie exclaimed transforming into a nerdy account, “Statistically, it is always better to test things with a test audience, and according to my calculations that the Agrabah bazaar has the best cross-pool of audience with 10% bearded, 40% kids..” He transformed into his usually big blue self, “Aaand let’s get outta here!”

“Wait up!” Jay yelled, nearly running into the four of them with Jade at his side, “I wanna go to the bazaar too, there was that awesome scimir I wanted to buy.” “Yeah me too, I want to steal things too… I-I mean buy. Buy with money. That I did not steal from the mean guard.” “His name is Razoul, and you really shouldn’t. He already doesn’t like you.” Aziz shook his head.

“I don’t like him, and that’s what makes it so tempting.” Jade defended.

“Yeah, he kinda has it coming,” Jay agreed.

“Now, now, we won’t say anything about it. But you must stop,” Eden warned in a prim British accent, poofing into a blue serge suit like a certain famous nanny, “Now spit spot, hurry up, we don’t want to be late to the bazaar.”

Genie transformed into a Bert to his wife’s Mary Poppins, adding, “Come ‘ere ye kiddos and ‘urry it ‘up.”

Jay and Jade stared at each in the classic “What the hell?” expression that bystanders always had whereas her parents were concerned. Aziz and Jordan just shrugged and smiled.

And so they went off to the bazaar and as the sun beated down on them, and Jordan whipped up a hijab from air to keep off the heat, she hummed a familiar tune which Aziz and her dad easily picked up.

“As you wind through the streets at the fabled bazaars with the cardamom-cluttered stalls. You can smell every spice while you haggle the price of the silks and the satin shawls. Oh, the music that plays as you move through a maze in the haze of your pure delight. You are caught in a dance. You are lost in the trance of another Arabian night…”

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